#like im impressed that i made it through thar

[1hellofacookie]

this has nothing to do with my art but bare with me

[ This is a ramble about my mental health and how much better it has recently gotten. ]

so, I think I've finally made it through my depression? Like. The past two months were the the happiest of my life, I've never felt better. And it made me realise a lot of things.

What makes me think that I've put my depression behind me is the fact that I'm no longer seeing the world filtered though that cloud of... sad. The cloud of sad that while you're depressed you don't even know doesn't exist for others. At least that's what's the case for me. I thought everyone is able to feel this shit and others just feel a little less shit.

While talking to my friend about this I came up with an analogy; it feels like you've been wearing a backpack all your life thats filled to the brim with the heaviest of rocks and you go about life believing that others just have less rocks in their backpacks and your challenge is to find a way to carry it better or get rid of some rocks. Only for you to find out that the others don't even carry a backpack at all.

I'm only 18 and I've been struggling with depression for the past few years. I can't pinpoint since when exactly, but I just know that it's incredibly hard to remember a time without it. Which makes sense, I barely remember anything about my childhood, especially not my feelings, and my teenage years were consumed by the big sad. So I have absolutely no frame of reference what life without that numbness feels like.

Meaning, everything I experience right now is so new. I did not know life could feel like this. It makes sense now that people say all those clichés to people who struggle with depression. They can't imagine what it's like. It's not the same scale you're on.

I finally get to hope. I wake up and am excited for the day, I experience bad things and get to just shrug them off, knowing that it'll get better. Things will happen in my future and I'm not happy about them but I get to go "huh yeah that will suck. It'll be fine tho. Let's see how I get through that" , and my brain thinks that automatically.

I was so weirded out when I caught myself thinking that way. It's entirely unfamiliar to me.

I get to be so. damn. happy. I'm so new to all of this. I've never felt this way before.

I get to experience negative emotions entirely different as well. They don't hit nearly the same way they did before. It's not that they don't cut deep, it's not that I don't feel them because I certainly do. But they feel different. Easier to touch, easier to handle, not as devastating, as crushing. I'm looking at everything from a very different perspective.

Looking at everything like this it makes so much sense that people, like, live. Of course you get up every day because yes, it's so worth it. I see that now too. I'm so sorry that I didn't before.

My final year of school has just started and I've been so scared of everything that comes with it the past few years. But I feel ready to take on the challenge, and it's a feeling I cannot even describe. I cannot yet grasp that I'm even feeling that. But I'm so grateful that I get to experience it. All of this.

Everything still feels a little like I've been thrown into cold water every now and then because of the novelty, because for the first time I actually get to be human, get to live. And that right when life is supposed to start with all the other new firsts. I do mourn the fact that I didn't get to live all my life like this a little but I also find a surprising amount of compassion within myself for past little me.

I still haven't found the words to describe all this properly but that won't stop me from trying, so prepare for maybe a couple more posts like this one (though hopefully not that long).

I really, really hope that the big sad does actually leave me alone for now. It's not entirely gone, it's still flaring up every now and then, but not nearly as severely as before, and I'm more than fine if it stays this way.

This post got so much longer than I expected it to, I am so sorry. But there were some anons a long time ago (I think is actually been two years already) that told me they wish for a time where I'm not hurting anymore. And if they're still here and following me, I just want them to know that that time's here now. I've stopped hurting. I'm finally healing, properly.

If you did actually read the whole post, thank you, I love you <3

#this also made me realise how severe my depression was #like im impressed that i made it through thar #*that #also I can count the bad days I've had the past two months on less than one hand #its insane #personal post #long post #? this counts as long post #depression mention #mental health #I still dont feel like ive said everything

[zuzuslastbraincell]

tbh... since i'm doing unpopular headcanons today... i really like lesbian suki as a headcanon as much as i like bi suki (before anyone gets on my case - 1. I like both 2. suki isn't canonically bi, so it isn't erasure).

anyway, can absolutely see baby closeted lesbian suki going for sokka because he's the first boy who isn't from the village that she's seen in ages, as the unagi + the war have drastically lowered foot traffic in the area. even though sokka largely made an ass of himself and gave a terrible first impression, maybe she feels like she has to like boys to "prove" she's a proper girl to others on some level (this can work for both cis or trans suki imo - either way lesbians often are denied womanhood because liking men is seen as a core component), and kinda throws herself at him on impulse. maybe she kinda views that assholeiness that sokka displays, that lack of respect, as key to heterosexual relationships (it isn't, for the record - but i know as a kid i used to romanticise romcom hate-love relationships a lot and that's what im basing this off). then the girls in the kyoshi warriors giggle and gossip about how she's got a crush on sokka for the next three months or whatever until she sees him again and she ends up kidding herself into believing there was something genuine there maybe. Sokka stops being such an ass, grows up, their dynamic mellows and is now this great friends to lovers things, & they become great friends in the end which makes it a little confusing to parse - because it takes her a while to realise there was never any romantic tension, she doesn't actually like him! But eventually she figures out that she's very much going through the motions because she can and their relationship is very highschool in that sense.

like for the record i also really like the bi suki headcanon, especially from the angle of suki thinking she's a lesbian and realising she's bi (listen as someone who's played the 'bi or lesbian' game for years and gone from lesbian to bi himself i really appreciate that depiction of bisexuality). I also feel like that equally works with trans suki as i know a lot of trans women who've done egg (cishet "boy") -> trans lesbian -> trans bi woman as a journey. I like the idea thar kyoshi island was an environment where she realised she was sapphic / a wlw and maybe found comfort in the lesbian label but realised that it wasn't true to her experience eventually. I think as sokka begins to deconstruct his gender and realise he's non-conforming or less masc than he thought suki realises that she can still have this complex relationship r.e. gender while dating men as a bisexual woman.

(although on one level I just wish in this scenario suki wasn't with a guy once known as the most prominent misogynist amongst the main characters yknow, because i think sometimes people end up misidentifying due to negative experiences with men / belief that relationships with men can't be healthy, when they can if you're with the right man. anyways. I still do like sukka just yeah. I wish they hadn't written sokka as a misogynist really because I think they get on super well.)

anyways. I think both bi suki and lesbian suki are interesting headcanons and i think both can work.

#suki #sukka critical

[shooter-nobunagun]

Orphanage of the Cosmos [Bloodborne AU]

//Covers lore and events from Upper Cathedral Ward through the Orphanage; usual spoiler warning.

“Tell me something; why are you really here?” The hunter acted as if he hadn’t heard the other man, only continuing to etch the rune patterns along his skin but Adam knew he was listening. “You Executioners only care about the Vilebloods, and you certainly don’t need our strength.” There was no response still, and Adam felt his eyelid twitch.

“What is it you’re really after?”

The pick was laid down with a soft “clink”, Tell methodically bandaging up the scars until the etchings healed and the rune’s power would take effect. “Adam Muirhead. That is a question I could ask you myself; Your strength is impressive and your hunts, even moreso. Why you would take such an interest in a newcomer I do not know, but it’s not just for her skills.”

Though Tell didn’t say anything explicitly, Adam felt his pulse increase. Just how obvious was their relationship becoming... Even though he was sure they were taking enough precautions around each other, and hell it wasn’t as if anything more happened after the kiss in the gardens (and there had been nobody else around, he’d made sure of it). Regardless, if Tell was subtly hinting he was aware of this bond between them, then anything was game.

“...This hunt, it’s different than the past ones, somehow...I know you can sense it,” he replied, though avidly looking away. “It ain’t my first, and I’m not stupid enough t’ turn away help for the sake of pride.”

“Different, you say...?” Tell’s voice carried only a hint of further knowledge, but it wasn’t enough for Adam to make a judgement of whether or not to push for more. “In any case, it’s none of my business; as you so rightly said, I am merely with your band for the time being because I find it an interesting change of pace. I do not need your strength to survive.” 

“Then keep yer bloody nose outta this,” Adam muttered, wondering if Tell really was a threat or simply a hunter who’d been on too many hunts, and now merely found ways to keep himself amused during the never-ending nights. “Call us interesting if yeh want, just don’t stir up unnecessary trouble.”

Tell hummed a questioning note, before finally strolling over and eyeing Adam face-to-face. “Unnecessary trouble...I have a feeling it’s not me who’s at risk.” It was unnerving, both the double entendre and also how close Tell was standing to him, those dark eyes piercing his own.

It felt like forever before he blinked and stepped away, Adam letting out the breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. Shit; Tell was definitely onto them but unlike Mirza, it didn’t seem to be malice so much as curiosity, or perhaps even caution.

“Just remember, Muirhead; anything more than the occasional midnight visit will come back to bite you, sooner or later.” Adam nearly dropped the tool he’d been holding while embedding a blood gem into his gun. There was a chance Tell was simply poking fun in jest, but after all that, he had a feeling the Executioner knew.

About his true feelings for the huntress.

“Adam...? Is everything okay?” Speak of the devil. His head turned and there she was, eyes large and questioning as she handed him the turnscrew he’d dropped. “Did Tell do something?”

“...It’s nothing.” He took the tool and turned back to the workbench, Sio looking a bit hurt at his abrupt attitude but he couldn’t risk revealing anymore than they already had. If only he could find some way to be sure they could get some privacy, he could tell her... “Oy, Sio—”

But when he turned around again she’d already disappeared. ---- “Tha’s a mighty long face ye’ve got thar, lass. Sumthin’ the matter?” The surgeon gave her a friendly pat on the head but Sio’s expression remained unchanged, only focused on tuning her blunderbuss. “Och, somethin’s got yur goat; did that Muirhead do sumthin’ again?”

Sio barked out a laugh. “Ha! More like not do anything...” she muttered, hands going through the motions of oiling the locks and switches along the gun’s shaft. “Even now, I feel like he’s so hard to get a read on...one minute he’s being all nice, the next he ignores me like I’m a brat,” she growled, tossing the dirty rag into the supply trunk. “If you’re just using me for your own pleasures, then why the hell did you say all that in the gardens...”

Hunter raised an eyebrow at the insinuations Sio’s words carried, but kept it to himself. “Well, tha’s how he’s always been, fer as long as I’ve known ‘im. Hell, I’d say he’s actually gotten a lot better, since we’ve started traveling wit’ ye. Take it easy lass, it’ll take ‘im some time t’ get used to...uh, well,” Hunter cast her a sheepish glance, not sure if he should reveal the fact he already knew about their relationship. “A-Anywho, I’m sure he’s got his reasons; ‘f there’s one thing I can assure you, it’s that he isnae th’ type of man t’ act carelessly. Well, least I dinnae think so...”

“Well, if you say so...” Sio grumbled, not entirely convinced. Then again, what did she know about love and relationships? This was her first one, and with a veteran hunter from Yharnam, to boot. Maybe displays of affection were rare among their kind? Or maybe she was thinking too far in him giving her anything beyond the occasional compliment or even kiss. ‘Seriously Sio, you couldn’t have fallen for a more normal guy?’

A tap on her shoulder nearly sent her jumping out of her skin again, but to her relief she managed to control it—even moreso after she realized who it was that wanted her attention. “Oh! Uh, William Tell...right? Is there...something you need?”

“I was discussing the state of things with Vidocq earlier; he mentioned you and Muirhead were able to communicate with a Great One—Rom?” 

A familiar shiver crawled down her spine at the mention of that topic. Surely Tell wasn’t suspicious as well...she hadn’t sensed anything foreboding from him, but he could very well have an ulterior motive, like so many of their fellow hunters. 

“U-Uh, y, yeah...I-I mean, I wouldn’t really call it...communicating, but more like...” She twisted a lock of her hair nervously, wonder how wise it was to reveal everything. On one hand, if Tell already spoke to Vidocq then there wasn’t a point in hiding it. But on the other...who knew what he wanted this information for. “Um—can, can I ask...why are you interested in this anyway? It’s not like Rom’s around anymore...and to be honest, I’m not sure what more I can tell you that Vidocq already hasn’t; if anything, he could probably tell you more, considering his research...”

To her surprise Tell shook his head. “Actually, I am asking because I know someone who might be helpful in figuring this out.” She stared at him blankly, not sure what to make of this. “Sio Ogura, are you interested in learning more about why you are able to hear those thoughts? With creatures beyond any imagining, and what they mean?”

“H-Huh?” Now she was really confused. “W, Wait, what do you mean...Tell, do you know what a Great One is? Can you also hear their voices?”

“...Not really. Well, I suspect not as well as you can. However, an acquaintance of mine recently wrote to me about a great discovery that may shed more light on this...phenomenon. He is an elite member of the Healing Church; the Choir, if you’ve heard of them.”

Sio shook her head slowly, still trying to grasp everything. “O-Oh, I...see.” Though she wasn’t truly interested in figuring out a mystical entity that was probably best left alone, a part of her curiosity couldn’t help but be piqued. Perhaps this would yield a way to break that strange connection somehow, or at least explain it. The blood sickness was bad enough, she didn’t want another potentially fatal condition to deal with. Besides, these Great Ones and the beasts they fought had to be connected somehow...right? Though Sio didn’t know how exactly, instinct told her they co-existed for a reason. “Where is this friend of yours?”

Tell was about to speak when another voice cut in. “Oy, what’re you two doing...” The look Adam was casting him could only be described as daggers, but the other hunter didn’t seem to mind at all.

“Ah, Muirhead. Nothing much, was merely asking Miss Ogura if she would be interested in heading to the Orphanage at the top of the Upper Cathedral Ward.”

“An orphanage? Whatever for...” Adam’s eyes narrowed at that comment. He’d never heard of anything at the top of the Cathedral...though it was true, there were rumors of a locked gate leading to a secret place where only the most skilled and wise hunters were able to venture. “This isn’t the time to be taking any grand detours—”

“—You are not interested in why you could hear her? Rom, the Great One?” Adam tensed at the mention of that battle. “From what I’ve learned during my travels, not every hunter hears them, you know. The Great Ones...and to be able to understand more than just feelings and images...”

“...What are you insinuating?” A cold sweat ran down his spine. “I—yeh, sure, it would be nice to know, but I don’t think it’s anymore important than finishing the hunt—”

“—Is it?” Both Adam and Sio could only stare at Tell, unsure of what to do. “You have never wondered, how these beasts came to be in the first place, why this night continues so?” He was walking in circles around them, pose non-threatening as usual but Adam slowly gripped the handle of his pistol underneath his coat. 

“The Orphanage. At the very top of Upper Cathedral Ward." He held up an elaborate, rusty key. “I will see you at the headstones if you wish to accompany me, and seek the truth.”

And then Tell left, coattails swirling behind as the girl collapsed on her knees while he continued staring, and wondering.

“Oh man...that was intense,” Sio shuddered, slowly picking herself back up.  “What the heck was all that...”

“I don’t know; this Tell figure, I don’t get what he’s doing...bloody hard to figure out,” Adam muttered. “Sio, you alright? He didn’t do or say anything, did he?”

“N-No, it was kinda the same as he told you...he asked, if I wanted to know why I, I can hear those...things,” she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to erase those horrible memories. “I-I mean, I know you’re right and we don’t have much time, b-but I can’t help but wonder...what if he has a point? He said he has a friend or something there...a part of the Choir?”

A member of the Healing Church? Adam raised an eyebrow, but didn’t dismiss Sio’s words. The Church was definitely not his favorite group of people, but at least they were better than the Vilebloods. Marginally. “It’s true, I’d rather not take anymore unnecessary detours...but I am curious as well. And especially for you...”

Sio blushed with embarrassment and guilt. “A-Ah, I’m sorry—seriously, it’s not like Tell is forcing me to go, he just asked; honestly, we probably should just get on with the hunt—”

She stilled as he leaned over her, a somber expression on his face. “If you really want to Sio, then it’s your right and your choice. You don’t need my approval for everything; least of all something that so deeply affects you.” There it was again, this weird change in attitude he only showed sporadically. Still Sio couldn’t tell if really cared about her, or just put on a front to make her feel better.

“Erm, yeah sure...by the way, this isn’t related to anything, but...what’s with you?” She gave him a pointed stare. “I don’t want you to coddle me or anything, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t just dismiss me at the drop of a hat.”

Adam winced internally at that stare. Of course, Sio never let anything slip her by, not even when he brusquely brushed her off. “Ah, look, about that earlier...I apologise, I didn’t mean to. It’s just...” He glanced around, before nodding his head towards the more secluded part of the woods just beyond the gate. “There’s a reason I don’t want others t’ catch on about...us. Anymore than they already are.”

“O-Oh...makes sense.” Suddenly she felt guilty, thinking back to all the possible moments she might’ve let slip that they were involved now as more than just allies. “Sorry...you’re right, I should be more careful myself...I’m pretty sure Hunter’s already put two-and-two together by now—”

“—Hunter we can trust, and yeh, like you said he...pretty much already figured it out,” Adam muttered bashfully. “I’m talkin’ more about the others. Not just folks like Tell...but also Geronimo...and Mirza.” His eyes narrowed at the thought of those two. More than once already, they’d each hinted at how Sio was special somehow, not just as a hunter but to him, personally. “Especially those two; hate to admit it, but I’m startin’ to regret keeping them around...”

Sio felt a shiver of fear at Adam’s words. Just from working together with them, she’d learned the two were not to be trifled with; things were uneasy enough with her blood sickness, but if Adam was starting to become concerned, then there could only be consequences down the road if they weren’t careful. To be sure, Geronimo was always polite towards her, but her intentions towards infected hunters were painfully clear. And Mahesh Mirza...

“U-Uhm, Adam?” He gave her a curious look, but didn’t interrupt. “A, About Mirza...I, I don’t know, if this means anything--ah hell, maybe I was just imaging it—”

“—What is it Sio? Did he try anything with you?” She was surprised by how alarmed Adam seemed at the mere mention of the man, his expression changing and quickly he strode over to her. “What’s wrong?”

“U-Um, well...it’s just, you know how I was sleeping...in your lap, right after we came back from Cainhurst Castle, right?” A nod. “W, Well, this was right when I woke up, b-before you were awake...I, I noticed him just...staring at me...” Adam’s hand gently laid itself on her shoulder, the weight comforting her even as Sio felt her stomach twist at the memory. “I...I-I mean, I didn’t see him directly...it was only because, of the angle and where I was lying...I could see his face in the Stakedriver’s reflection...I-I don’t know if he could see back at me, o-or what, but...”

His grip on her shoulder tightened slightly but Adam didn’t say a word. So, his suspicions were correct...Mirza was indeed after the huntress, and not just on a flirtatious level. ‘This must have something to do with her blood sickness...and perhaps the ability to hear the Great Ones...’

“A, Adam... I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this earlier, but...” He shook his head, gently patting her on the back as she tried not to cry. “I, I was just so shocked by it, a-and then we were getting ready to all go to Yahar’gul, I-I didn’t want to cause unnecessary trouble at a time like that...!”

“It’s all right Sio; I understand.” Adam sighed heavily before sitting down next to her. “Honestly, it’s my fault; I should’ve kept a closer eye on ‘im myself...and also not made it seem like things would be fine as long as I was around.” He should’ve known Mirza would find a way to get what he wanted, even with him and Hunter practically standing guard around Sio. “Thanks for telling me that, Ogura. And next time, trust your instincts. Hell, I’d trust yours more than I’d trust mine at this point...”

Sio nodded, burrowing her head slightly against his arm and was rewarded with a small embrace. “Thanks, Adam...but I’m just curious; how come you and Hunter always talk about Mirza like he’s some sort of...well, vagabond? Yet he’s part of our group?”

“Oh boy...now that’s a story.” Rubbing his temples, Adam wondered how much he should tell or where to even begin. “I guess the best way t’ put it is, he’s a bit of an...enigma. Born into a rich family, stable life and all that—then for some reason he throws it all away and goes about acting like a hunter and ends up gettin’ disowned by his parents...guess he’s got some skills, but it’s just...” Adam gave an aggravated sigh as he leaned back against the stone pillar. “It’s just, something about him doesn’t add up; he claims he just wants to ‘see the glory’ of being a hunter, and yeh he ain’t half-bad on the field, but still...he’s hiding something, that much I can sense. There’s just something about his actions and intentions that don’t make sense. He’s a hunter, but not for the reasons he says... And that’s not even counting his womanising behaviour. So yeh, tha’s why me an’ Hunter are wary of him...but I figured, it was better than lettin’ him wander away where I can’t keep an eye on him.”

“I see...” Sio contemplated Adam’s words with her own musings. Her suspicions weren’t far off either, the sense that Mirza was definitely after something, yet he acted with just enough charm that made it difficult for them to pin any sort of accusations of underhanded doings. ‘The type of person who knows how to get what they want, how to play the game without getting caught...’ The man reminded her of a snake, lying patiently in wait until the prey was close enough for a single, deadly strike. “In any case, I’ll be sure to watch myself around him...”

Adam nodded in agreement. “Yeh, I’ll mention to Hunter as well tha’ Mirza’s likely to try something if he thinks he can get away with it...hopefully two people might dissuade him from doing anything stupid...”

“Have you worked together with him in the past before? With Mirza?”

“Hmm? Well...wouldn’t exactly call it working together. After you’ve been in this business for a while, you tend to know who’s around and who’s likely to not get killed. We’ve teamed up once or twice to take on some particularly nasty beasts but that’s about it—went our separate ways pretty quickly afterwards, no need to stick around.” Adam shrugged. “Back then, my policy was t’ mind my own business, even if those I worked with weren’t exactly...trustworthy.”

The huntress hugged her knees and thought about Mirza’s behavior, and now Tell’s mysterious words. “So...do you, wanna go to the Orphanage, then? With Tell? I-I mean, I...personally, I kind of want to...if only I can finally understand why... Plus, I feel he at least has more morals than Mirza.”

Adam stood up at her words, lending a hand to the smaller girl. “Hell, why not. Hopefully won’t be a long detour...and I am kind of curious myself. Plus, there’s no way in hell I’m lettin’ ya go by yerself, ‘specially now,” he gave her a slightly roguish grin to which Sio blushed, “Tell himself asked me if I was curious as well...which makes me think this phenomenon concerns more than just you.”

The two strode in a comfortable silence to the headstones where the stoic Executioner awaited, eyebrow slightly raised but otherwise un-surprised to see them. The trio knelt at the headstones as the fog encompassed them, unaware of a fourth who then knelt down right behind them. ----- “This...can’t really be an orphanage...can it?” The foreboding atmosphere, thick fog and onerous shrieks that greeted them the second they arrived...and that wasn’t even counting the steps leading into the Upper Cathedral Ward, which were littered with countless grotesque, larval-like creatures that tried to spit acid on them with every step. “Ouch—damn this acid—!” The pain in her foot burned, but even worse was the familiar feeling of losing herself, her control slipping away and giving in to that frenzied bloodlust... Growling low in her throat, she transformed the Rifle Spear, charging it up towards those stupid larvae—

“Oy Sio, careful! Here, drink this,” and before Sio could push him away a dark, pungent liquid pushed past her lips, the girl swallowing clumsily and coughing as she choked on the thick sedative. “There...feeling all right now? Have some water as well.”

“Ugh...ooh, what the...” Still coughing, Sio wiped her bloody mouth with her sleeve, flinching as she noticed the crimson color. “What th—wh, what did you just give me?”

“A sedative; concocted at Byrgenwerth, it helps calms those whose nerves are easily frayed...such as yourself, Miss Ogura.” She turned to the voice of William Tell, who was picking off the creatures with several molotovs. “I noticed it when you were fighting in Cainhurst, and again in Yahar’gul...but you have an affliction towards frenzy...do you not?”

Sio could only nod helplessly, upset and frightened this hunter had figured her out so easily. Not just that...but what he could do with such knowledge... Even with Hunter and Adam’s support, it wouldn’t be wise to strain things anymore within the group. “Y, Yeah...I guess it’s pretty obvious by now...but, wait a minute, you called it frenzy, and this...sedative, you knew...this place, the Choir...” Tell was looking at her with an almost amused gaze, as if he enjoyed watching the huntress putting the pieces together at last. “You...know about this condition. And it’s related to the Great Ones...and how I can hear them...isn’t it?”

As she finished her hypothesis Sio knew she was correct, judging from the rare smile Tell was giving her. “Again, you astound me with your insight and knowledge, young huntress. You are correct; the reason you tend to go into a frenzy, is because your mind is particularly vulnerable to the whisperings of those Great Ones...so whenever you come in contact with them or one of their kin, you are at risk to lose your mind to whatever madness they try to tell you.” 

“B-But then, that means...a-are you saying I’ll eventually go insane? And why the hell are they trying to talk to me?” Sio felt herself go numb with dread, wondering how much her sanity was already gone. 

“That’s what the sedative is for. It will help to counteract and strengthen your mind against such probings,” Tell answered, “though as with any form of blood ministration it should be used sparingly, so it’s best to avoid coming in too-close contact with any of them. As for what and why...well, perhaps my colleague will be able to answer it better than any of my own delusions.” 

Sio nodded mutely, still distraught over her own realizations and the fact that she’d just swallowed an entire bottle of human blood. As if having to inject blood vials wasn’t bad enough...but if she wanted to protect herself from any more madness, what choice did she have?

“This place...it’s so dependent on blood—no, they’re obsessed,” she muttered to herself as they proceeded inside the dilapidated hall. Adam and Tell took the lead as they scouted ahead cautiously, while Sio waited until a signal for her to either charge forward or else stay back as they handled the numerous brain suckers, werewolves and other horrors present inside the cathedral. A terrible shriek and shattering of broken glass startled her out of her thoughts, as a pair of monstrous werewolves crashed through the thin frame and into the crowded corridor where she waited. Shaking off the glass, she didn’t even wait for the two men to catch up before her Rifle Spear pierced deep into one of them, shooting the second to fend it off while she finished the first. The floor was slick with blood and entrails by the time Adam and Tell returned from dealing with the third, Sio already wiping up her weapons while two massive corpses lay at her feet. Though he didn’t say anything, Tell gave her an even glance, before the three of them continued up through the center of the mansion.

Even as a group of three, and her increased experience, still Sio felt the constant dread of fear, hanging just out of reach to prevent it from overwhelming her completely, yet enough unease remained to keep her pulse high and all senses hyper-focused for any potential threat. Despite its innocuous name, Upper Cathedral Ward was anything but mundane; beyond the numerous threats of werewolves and brainsuckers was the building itself, rotting and dark with stairs that creaked ominously and evidence of hideous experiments strewn about. 

As they reached the top Sio’s eyes slid over to a curious statue, posed with arms outstretched in peculiar manner. If it weren’t for the gravity of the situation, she might’ve even laughed. Still, when Adam and Tell were taking a breather, Sio couldn’t help but raise her arms as well, mimicking the strange pose and then it seemed as if she’d...gained something, although nothing physical happened.

“That’s an interesting gesture you’re doing, Ogura.” She yelped in embarrassment as the two men came rounding the corner, Tell raising an eyebrow and Adam giving her just the slightest of winks, as she mumbled something about ‘just stretching’, before following the two in an awkward silence. When would she be able to act like a real, grown-up hunter instead of a bumbling newbie?

The anxiety eased slightly as they finally reached the tall doors, which Tell handily opened with the key. The actual orphanage didn’t seem to be much better, though the outside air was an improvement compared to the stale and fetid damp that stuck to her nostrils no matter how much she breathed. They were now in some sort of garden, filled with large flowers she didn’t recognize that faintly glowed whenever she approached them. 

“What are these flowers? I’ve never seen them before...” She was tempted to reach out and touch one, their soft light lulling her into a bit of a trance-like state.

“Lumenflowers; for some reason, they’re quite common in this area. To the best of my knowledge they’re not dangerous, but one does wonder why they glow like that...” 

Sio quickly withdrew her fingers after that comment. Better to be safe than sorry, especially in a place like this. Still, the garden was much needed after fighting the dark for so long; Sio didn’t even notice how tight her grip was until they paused for a break, having to pry her fingers from the dirty bandages that wrapped around the Rifle Spear’s shaft.

“Oy, how’re you holdin’ up?” It took every fiber of her being to not jump suddenly as his voiced pierced her ear, even as she welcomed his presence. “A bit jumpy, huh...don’t blame yeh; been gettin’ weird vibes this entire time...and it’s not just the unwelcome company.” Adam gave a slight glance around the area. “I just hope this friend we’re supposedly meeting ain’t gonna be another lunatic we need to worry abou...” His voice trailed off and Sio felt a sudden quiver of unease run through her, the very air itself becoming charged with a kind of energy that set all the hairs on her neck straight up. 

“Wh-what’s, what’s going on...there’s, something...”

“...It seems we’ve company to deal with first, before meeting up with Nostradamus...wonderful.” Sio barely caught the name of their contact before strange, little blue pygmys streamed into the room, their bulbous heads aglow with an ominous light as they ran on spindly little legs that somehow did not snap under their own weight. They did not growl like the usual monsters, only gibberish as they ran around the hunters, the circle growing increasingly tight as Sio felt the suffocating frenzy building up again...ignoring her own disgust, she forced another bottle of sedative down, resisting the urge to heave. No matter how repulsive she found the blood to be, there was no denying it did help to keep her calm, to focus on the task at hand instead of blindly charging forward.

“What the hell are these things?” Adam’s Stakedriver was working full-time in knocking out the seemingly endless wave. “They’re not beasts, are they?”

“No; from what I’ve gathered, and Nostradamus’ notes, these creatures were once human, but did not turn into beasts. Rather, they’re something else entirely...” Tell’s arrows fired effortlessly into the distance, picking off the stumbling blue blobs one-by-one. “Tch...there’s no end to these things...”

“There must be a leader of some sorts...I’m sure if we can find and take it out, the underlings will lose their direction and be easy enough to pick off.” Sio tried to scan the creatures to discern which one could be different, but they all looked the same. But their behavior...her eyes narrowed as she noticed a particular creature standing around, not running or attacking. ‘Wait a minute, why’s that one not doing anything...? Maybe...!’ Without another word she shoved herself through the fray, ignoring the bumbling blue hands that tried to hold her back and their arcane magic that left painful burns through her clothes. Those could be healed up, but not if they couldn’t stem the flow...

“Tell! Adam! I think I’ve got it!” The two men turned towards her shouts, as Sio’s spear sank into the blue creature. “Over here!” Although this particular creature hadn’t been attacking, now that she was effectively ripping it to shreds, it too started to become hostile. The more she struck, the larger it seemed to grow; until suddenly there was a burst of light and the creature instantly swelled in size, now with additional tentacles sprouting from its head. “Uh oh!”

“Sio!” Adam tackled the girl down just in time before both of them got hit with an arcane blast. “You hurt? Damn, th’ thing’s huge now!”

“True, but at least we finally have a target!” Her face was pulled back in a wide-eyed grin, Adam feeling a little uneasy about her battle lust but at least she seemed to be resisting their frenzy. “Come on, let’s take it out!” And without even waiting for a response she tore back into the alien, firing a shot to disable the tentacles as she tore out its guts in another visceral attack as Adam attacked its flank. 

With their combined efforts and Tell’s arrows, soon enough the creature toppled over, the smaller underlings vanishing in an instant and all was silent in the gardens again. Adam took a quick glance over at Sio, who was panting with exhaustion but otherwise seemed none worse for wear. The dangerous grin she wore during battle had faded, replaced with a tired grimace. “Oy, you all right? Here, we should patch up your burns...”

“Oh, it’s not a big deal—yeeoow!” Sio couldn’t help but jump from the pain as Adam swabbed her burned skin with an antiseptic, all the while giving her a look. “O-Okay, maybe I should take care of these...ow, don’t press so hard!” She winced as he went over a particularly deep wound.

“Sorry, my bad...” He was no Hunter when it came to the gentle dexterity needed to not unintentionally hurt patients, but sometimes the basics had to be enough. “Apologies; this better now?”

“Y-Yeah...thanks.” He nodded and then stood up, using his body as a curtain to give her some privacy while she quickly changed into a spare shirt, the breeze chilling against her bare skin.

“So what, is this friend of yours ever goin’ to show his face? Or was this all for nothing?” Adam eyed Tell with a wary glance as the archer came trotting up. “Unless there’s more...”

Adam didn’t even finish his sentence before they all heard the slow clap, clap, clap, footsteps now approaching the trio from seemingly nowhere. He was a young man, with orange-red hair and slightly shorter in stature compared to Tell, dressed in the classic uniform of The Choir: billowing white robes, long black glove and their signature blindfold cap, signaling their desire to commune with the heavens and their debt to Master Willem.

“My, my...you did not inform me you were bringing guests, dear friend? Let’s see...two additional hunters, one male and one female...one who is on the verge of succumbing to the blood sickness, and both...ah, I understand now, Tell. I understand all too well, why it is they came with you...”

“Muirhead, Ogura. My contact from The Choir, Michel de Nostradamus.” Tell nodded towards the man, who bowed slightly in return. “Do not be afraid; I can promise he does not mean any harm towards you.”

Sio found his words hard to believe, instead shrinking back towards Adam who subtly wound a hand around her shoulder in a protective manner. Despite the blindfold, Nostradamus had identified them with an astonishing degree of accuracy; not only who they were, but her affliction, which she didn’t even think Tell knew.

“Oh dear, perhaps I’ve frightened them?” Nostradamus gave a tinkling laugh. “Come come, there’s no need to stand around like strangers. Please, come this way, and I shall explain everything. He continued beckoning them towards the other building, able to navigate the hallways as if he didn’t have a blindfold at all. 

Part of her wanted to just forget about this wild goose chase and return to the dream, but another part was burning with curiosity. That, and the fact they’d already fought their way through this entire Cathedral and then the gardens, meant they might as well go through with whatever secrets this Nostradamus held. There was an encouraging pat on her shoulder and she turned to see Adam giving her a small smile, Sio nodding silently as both of them followed the other two inside.

#documentation #hunt or be hunted #//wow i am in update mode #//kind of #//more like a bunch of chapters were hanging for a long time until finally figured out how to continue #//my bad #//feels bad for taking so long...i know folks were waiting on this one