#the amount of serotonin i get from watching this every morning on my way to work is unbelievable 😭💕

[sarah-yyy]

a few of y’all have asked me about new life begins, and i’m procrastinating over work so............

BASICALLY this story revolves around the royal family of xinchuan (head of the nine states). xinchuan has a tradition wherein the other eight states send eligible women over to marry the xinchuan princes. the show opens with all these women coming into xinchuan for this selection

this is our main character li wei

bbg does Not want to be selected as a bride for any of the princes. she comes from jichuan (one of the least wealthy states, most of them are farmers) wherein people marry for love and men aren’t allowed to have concubines, she is Not Into this xinchuan polygamy bs, and is doing all she can to be sent back home asap so she can live her chill life

this is the sixth prince yin zheng, unloved (for now!) and mostly unnoticed (also for now!!) son of an unfavoured concubine. he’s introduced as being sickly and of little note in the political field. he mostly gets along with his brothers by virtue of having little interaction with them and keeping a real low profile

this boy is way smarter than he presents to outsiders!! he knows that the least favourable political marriage will be assigned to him, so he figures he might as well get ahead of it and voluntarily ask for the nominee from jichuan to be his wife

li wei ends up yin zheng’s concubine!!! which is the worst!!! not only does she have to conform to this xinchuan polygamy bs, she’s not even his main wife!!! she’s depressed for a few days until she catches wind that yin zheng only has a few weeks left to live (fake news) and it just kickstarts a whole bunch of hilarious shenanigans in which she tries to be nice to him before he dies and she gets to go home to jichuan as a widow

cue yin zheng (who doesn’t know what li wei is thinking) going: she’s??? nice to me???? mayhaps..........she be.........in love with me??????

(uhhhh because she’s adorable???? i like her) 

ANYWAY y’all get the drift, it’s the whole arranged marriage, strangers to lovers, pining after my spouse vibe that i absolutely love!!! 

but it’s not just that!!! it’s also that the female characters are all well-written and the friendships between all of them are so cute!! 

first left is shangguan jing, fifth prince’s wife! she’s from danchuan which is a matriarchal society. she’s good at martial arts and very straightforward. does not really want to be married to xinchuan (much less to the fifth prince who starts off liking someone else), but is Doing Her Duty. i am SO INVESTED in her relationship with the fifth prince ahhhh, he’s a wimp (affectionate) who, this far in the show, has come to love his wife and is fretting constantly over how to make her happy/make her love him 

first right is hao jia! she’s the second prince’s concubine and li wei’s bff. she’s sweet and well-natured and essentially Good At Everything. the second prince is kind of a dick with obvious dv tendencies, but he’s the eldest son of the emperor’s wife and next in line for the throne. i am just HOPING we get to see hao jia go off on him one day soon 😭 (side note: i’m actually also curious about the second prince’s wife - i wonder if she and hao jia will team up to get rid of the second price ugh)

this is yuan ying junzhu, my li wei’s yin zheng’s wife. hoooo boy folks, when the emperor ordered yin zheng to marry her against his Very Strong Objection, i thought we were going to start in on the angst and the whole jealous wife arc, but!!! she’s got zero interest in him, and they decide that she’ll basically stay at the manor as his advisor/li wei’s tutor! she 100% likes li wei more than she likes yin zheng lbr

not pictured but also a+++ characters that i love: the third prince’s wife + his harem of concubines (he’s named them all after the 24 traditional solar terms); the seventh prince and his wife (both of whom are adorable and just try to stay low-key and out of trouble); song wu²; all the servants at the sixth prince’s manor

ANYWAY this show is light-hearted and fun and an absolute delight to watch!! it’s been awhile since we’ve had a romcom-ish cdrama that’s had actual budget to produce something to this quality 💖 11/10 would rec!!! 

where to watch: iqiyi // viki // youtube status:  this updates every sunday to wednesday (local chinese time), with 2 eps being released every day. 22/40 eps have aired so far, i think iqiyi subs are up to date with the current airing schedule but i can’t be sure? someone correct me if i’m wrong! 

#tv rec #new life begins #cdrama #the amount of serotonin i get from watching this every morning on my way to work is unbelievable 😭💕 #thank you new life begins for giving me the will to live every monday to thursday #usual disclaimer: i don't watch cdramas with eng subs so idk the quality of the subs VENTURE IN AT YOUR OWN RISK

[jungk0oksthighs]

jungkook drabble “Stop! Please, stop! You’re going to kill her!” 

mafia!jungkook, toxic!jungkook | Word Count - 800 

warnings: heavy angst, swearing, explicit drug use, mentions of blood and violence 

Jeon Jungkook is many things. A mafia leader, drug lord, underground fighter, tax evader, shady businessman, and a complete asshole. It’s 10PM on a Wednesday night, his nostrils are almost fully blocked from the sheer amount of cocaine he’s snorted over the course of his now four day pity party. A feeble attempt to get you out of his head. You. The only woman he’s ever loved. The only person he ever felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. The self and same woman who upped and left him, four days ago.

“I can’t do this anymore! I can’t live like this!”

He remembers the sound of your cries when he came stumbling home at 9AM that morning after guess what, another pity party. When Jungkook doesn’t get his own way he has a tendency to go off the rails, sometimes completely off the radar for days at a time. He knew it wasn’t fair on you, sitting in his apartment every night waiting for him to call – maybe even for the police to call, perhaps even alerting you of his death after he’d taken his lifestyle too far.

He's lost count of how many times your life has been endangered because of him. The rival gangs constantly monitoring your every move just waiting for the right moment to strike, the private investigators hired by families of his victims trying to corner you for information, sometimes using force. One time it was actually Jungkook himself who nearly ended your life, his inked hands clasped so tightly round your throat during an argument about something not important that he saw the light begin to fade from your eyes.

“Stop! Please stop! You’re going to kill her!” His friend Jimin had screamed, had he not been there that night god only knows if you would’ve survived his vice grip.

Jungkook scoffs humourlessly, fists balling with anger before he pours more white powder onto his coffee table, slicing it into thick white lines with his golden credit card.

It’s unfathomable how he has the audacity to miss you after everything he put you through. Coming home with blood-stained hands and a bad attitude stemming from a serotonin comedown, viciously snapping at you every time you asked questions. It hadn’t always been like that though, there was a time where he treated you right, told you how beautiful you are, kissed you every morning, took you on dates, listened to your worries and offered his shoulder to cry on. He was everything you ever wanted in a lover, before he turned into someone he promised he’d never become. A stranger, a liar, a twenty seven year old cocaine addict with secrets and anger issues.

He wastes no time snorting the slugs of snow he’s made, having to sniff extra hard to overcome the build up of substance that’s already there. It’s been four days since he heard from you, four days since he saw the blind hatred mixed with desperation behind your eyes when you finally left this life, his life, four days since he realised it wasn’t you who broke his heart at all.

It was him. He’s the one to blame for this, for all of this.

The sudden rush of forced ecstasy clouds his judgement, winning him to pull his phone from the leather pants he wears and dial your number for the twenty eighth time that day.

Voicemail. Of course it’s gone to voicemail, you’ve probably blocked his number by this point or maybe got a new phone altogether in an attempt to forget about him and everything he’s done. Jungkook’s heart hammers inside his strong chest, his brain vividly recounting the memory of the last thing you said to him.

“I can’t sit back and watch you do this to yourself anymore! You need to choose.”

Jungkook had the cheek to laugh in your face, unbothered by your tears, “Choose between what? You and coke? You and killing people? You and my fucking sanity?! How do you think we can even afford a place like this, hm? If it wasn’t for me and what I do you’d still be cooped up in your shitty little box apartment, you wouldn’t even have a pot to piss in.”

You swallowed, a single tear cascading down your cheek when you picked up your suitcase, “At least I’d be happy.”

Frantically brushing his hair from his face he reaches for the cocaine again, this time pouring the lot onto the table and not bothering to evenly line it up. He takes his straw, messily inhaling the whole pile without a second thought.

Happiness. 

Something Jungkook didn’t realise he had, until four days ago when he lost it.

x

A/N: thank u for ur request i hope this is okay angel :) x

#jungk0oksthighs drabble game #jungkook drabble #jungkook oneshot #mafia!jungkook #druglord!jungkook #badboy!jungkook #toxic!jungkook #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #jungkook mafia au #jungkook mafia #jungkook x yn smut #jungkook reaction #jungkook cocaine #jungkook imagine #jungkook bts #bts imagine #bts drabble #kpop mafia au #bts angst

[plutowrites]

hi pluto how are you?? May i request how the aot boys would help you destress from school? i'm kinda drowning in all my work and need this serotonin boost👅.

Hi darlingg! ugh you and me both :((( i wanted to answer this one fairly quickly so you can get that boost you need ♡ finish the semester off strong, you got this! 💌

AOT Boys + Helping You Destress

Levi

he thinks the best way to help you destress is taking some weight off your shoulders with your school work. pls we’re talking about the president of acts of service ™ here

“Do you want me to edit that essay?”

“I found you a study guide for that course online.” 

btw he’s actually the one who typed out that study guide for you. would never admit it unfortunately. 

draws you bubble baths. claims it’s because you stink and need to wash up but it’s really because he knows it will relax you, or at least that’s what he wishes it will do ♡

Eren

he didn’t notice how hard you were working until you started to flake out on dates and take forever to respond to his texts. he genuinely thought you were going to break up with him-- when he found out you were acting this way because of exam szn and not your lack of interest in him, he could have cried from relief right then and there

always asking if there’s anything he can do for you, always thinking of things to do for you

makes you a studying playlist 

makes you a lot of studying playlists***

thinks you're the smartest person in the world and admires how hardworking you are

loves sending you funny things he sees on the internet to make you smile

also fully expects you to respond to each and every thing he’s sent you or else he gets pouty

king of bringing you snacks (that he’ll eat most of)♡

Armin

if you haven’t taken a break for awhile he will physically stop you by grabbing your hands and kissing them

“That article you’re reading will still be there in the morning” he’ll murmur after gently closing your laptop

mr. big brain loves helping you study to ease some stress off you-- he works with you to create a schedule and remembers your deadlines 

teaches himself the material you’re not getting because he’s a thoughtful bf that would bring you the moon if you asked

also reminds you to eat something, drink some water, and take lots of breaks in between

will bait you into relaxing by suggesting to watch a favorite movie of yours or playing the movie loud enough for you to hear in another room to coax you away from your laptop

don’t worry, he will rewind it back to the beginning just for you ♡

Reiner

M A S S A G E S

pls he’s so good at them!! he knows exactly the right amount of pressure to put on your body 

loves holding you in his big, strong arms afterwards

takes walks with you!! morning, afternoon, night-- doesn’t matter! Just really wants you to get some fresh air

praises you for being so dedicated to your studies but reminds you to not burn yourself out

if he notices you at your desk looking overly tired, he won’t hesitate to burrito you up with a blanket and carry you over his shoulder to your bed

cuddles will follow shortly after ♡

taglist: @bunny-xoxo 

pspsps if you wanted to be added to a taglist lmk ♡

#aot #attack on titan #aot headcanons #levi ackerman #levi headcanons #eren jeager #eren headcanons #armin arlert #armin #armin headcanons #reiner #reiner braun #reiner headcanons #snk #aot x reader #levi x reader #armin x reader #eren x reader #reiner x reader

[kuroosweakness]

omg stop i’m so glad you appreciate my hcs :,) i love writing them and sharing them w you makes my heart so happy!! thank you for taking the time to read them <3

more kuroo hcs for you 💌 :

whenever people ask when the two of you are gonna get married, he puts his hand in his pocket and turns to you saying “well this is awkward... i wasn’t planning on doing this now bu-“ and you know he’s joking just to make a scene but you both start laughing at his antics as he gets down on one knee and pulls out a breath mint PLEALSKE

he’d get incredibly happy and blushy if you tell him that he was in your dream bc even when you’re asleep, you’re thinking of him :,( he just feels so loved!!!

if you’re out and you’re feeling drained or tired, he’d place his hand on your head, smoothing your hair back as reassurance that once you get home, you’ll nap together

if you wear rings, he’ll gently take your hand in his and open your hand out so he can admire all the rings on your fingers. he’d lightly play with all of them and imagine sliding a huge diamond ring on your finger one day :(

if you guys are hanging out w his friends or coworkers and he starts to feel his social battery run out, he’ll lightly tap your hip or lower back twice as a silent “let’s go?” and he’d make up a random excuse to leave (although he’s an extrovert, i feel like being surrounded by a lot of people all the time is overwhelming to him). he truly appreciates how understanding you are bc of this :(

when you visit him at work, he’d let you sit in his nice comfy rolly chair and he’d sit in another chair and do his work bc he likes seeing you make yourself at home in his office! he’d do anything for you to be comfortable and happy (he’d even offer to bring you coffee just the way you like, not even bothering the interns to make coffee bc only he knows how you like it) omg would kuroo roll you around his office in the rolly chair when he gets bored? definitely.

he does so much for you so you feel happy, but what do you do for him that makes him feel like he’s on cloud 9? when you fix his tie for him, when you offer to do the dishes/chores even when it’s his turn, when you hug him first thing in the morning, when you text him randomly throughout the day or send him pictures of what you’re doing

when he first asked you to move in w him, he set up a separate bedroom for you in his apartment bc his parents used to sleep in different rooms sometimes when he was younger. they used to tell him that even married couples need space. although you two weren’t married (yet), he wanted to be considerate of your space. his heart beats incredibly fast when he hears you come into his room and slide under the warm blankets w him every night :) (sorry this is kinda sad omg i might have projected a teeny tiny bit 😩)

i feel like he makes really stupid purchases. like one summer, he bought a snow cone machine :// tetsu bub you can make that at home w the ice in your fridge :// but you let the man have fun w his gadgets bc of the shine in his eyes when he hands you a red snow cone (his favorite color looks extra pretty on your lips)

when you guys are watching a show together, he likes to share his thoughts and also hear yours. he’d pause once in a while to make up theories about what’s gonna happen and you guys get super excited when either of you are right, flailing your arms at eachother in excitement (pls it takes y’all 1 hour to watch a 25 min episode lmAODJDK)

it’s missing kuroo hours w lia and 🧸 anon :,)

- 🧸 anon

no, THANK YOU for taking the time to write these :' they give me an overwhelming amount of serotonin every time i read these 😫

AHHA THE PROPOSAL PLS him pulling out a breath mint lmaoo i'd love him for that, but also elbow him for making a scene :'

awww i need to dream of hi more :'( imagine it was a really weird dream though where he was floating in the air in purple pajamas

:((( he's so sweet and caring. the soft gestures are really making my heart melt here

RINGS well, looks like it's time for me to buy some 👀 (and yes, we would love a huge diamond ring on our left fourth finger :')

yes yes yes :((( his silent way of communicating with you is <33 kuroo would be so understanding of social batteries running out :'

YES BIG COMFY ROLLY CHAIRS !! the way he'll laugh when you get dizzy from spinning too much. him bring you special coffee :'(( OMG HIM PUSHING YOU AROUND <3

(and he'll plop himself on your lap and look around the room like "where'd y/n go??" :)

aww we'll make sure he stays on cloud 9 forever :'

OMG YES THE MOVE-IN PART he's too considerate >:(( and the way you'll take turns sleeping in each other's beds together!

not married....yet 👀

AHAHAHA a snow cone machine is not a dumb purchase! he knows investment when he sees it >:)) man, i haven't had a snow cone in so long :'

omg the red color!! pls, he'll kiss the flavor off of your lips <33

YESS making theories and hearing each other's thoughts!! and when something stupid happens, he'll wince and complain about it to you ahhaha

missing kuroo hours is somehow open 24/7 :' again, thank you sm for sharing these with me 🧸 anon D: i hope you have loveliest day ever!! <33

#lia convos #🧸 anon #lia misses kuroo #kuroo headcanons #kuroo x reader #🧸anon

[trashballerina]

Jojo Fic Recs Because Brainrot

 ALSO PART SIX IS GONNA GET ANIMATED 

So this little funky dude  ⭐ means I really like the fic and highly recommend it lol.

Gemini Dream by batringlamb

After the war is won, Giorno tries to give his deceased associates a new lease on life. And it works! It works well.

There's just some unexpected side effects.

In which Leone Abbacchio finds himself sharing his body with the soul of Bruno Buccellati. Discovering someone else’s hopes and dreams has never been so literal.

(Came back for you. Glad to see that you came too.)

Thoughts: YEAH IM CRYING SO WHAT. Dude this fic is so good. I’m not gonna specify, but there’s this sequence near the end that is so beautifully written I reread it for serotonin. It’s just such a cool concept. I really also love Giorno’s characterization in this because he like, “I have everything under control” and proceeds to not have everything under control. Great fic. Brb, gonna go read again. 

The Teenage Feeling by etymologyplayground  ⭐

"You're a cat dad," Narancia gasps. Abbacchio rolls his eyes. "Of course. So you want to die surrounded by cats?"

"Yes, but more importantly, I want them to eat my corpse when I die," Abbacchio says, an awful grin spreading across his face.

Thoughts: This fic is just peak Bucci gang interactions. It’s really funny, heart-felt, and captures just how weird everyone is. It’s somehow stays lighthearted while being morbid. This fic always manages to make me laugh and some of the quips are really funny. Highly recommend. 

Should Have Known Better by  inmyopinion

Suzie Q's death brought about immeasurable pain, and an unexpected visitor.

Thoughts: PAIN AND TEARS but also a really good read. The description tells you what is going to happen, but it still hurts. The beginning starts with some brief but soft Joseph and Suzie but quickly gets angsty from there. Sorry. But you should read it. 

Gold and Sapphires by  Yuki1014o

Giorno was not fazed by anything--almost anything. You could say that the invitation to a family reunion startled him.

Alternatively Titled: Giorno goes to Japan and finds a family

Thoughts: Good fic. Good balance between angst and wholesome. While the family seems ready to accept Giorno, he feels hesitant and I really like seeing how hesitant he is about the idea of family because of his background. Also, Shizuka is in this so I’m automatically biased. But seriously Giorno has some really great moments while interacting with the different Joestars and extended family. 

Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon by  Blinky_Winky_Nod

In the afterlife, a system exists where dead parents may watch their living children grow up.

Thoughts: I’m sorry most of these are part five centric, it’s not even my favorite part lol. I really love Jonathan’s POV whenever he watches Giorno. Like he’s such a deep, loving person, but seeing his inability to help and just watch hurts me. Also Dio. That’s it, just Dio. I really like this fic for the differing POV’s and characterization of Jonathan. 

Scary Monsters ( and Super Creeps) TheAuthorWishesToRemainAnonymous (on-going) ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐

He had a horror of rooms / He was tired / You can't hide beat / When I looked in his eyes they were blue but nobody home / He could've been a killer / If he didn't walk the way he do, and he do / He opened strange doors that we'd never close again

Another JJBA Fantasy/Magic AU that nobody asked for. White Witch Bruno Bucciarati becomes adept in the care of magical creatures, after finding himself running a home for misfit cryptids

Thoughts: MY FAVORITE ON-GOING FIC. I think I’ve reread it like three times so far. For one, I love fantasy au, especially the cryptic sort, so much. Seeing Bruno adopt an assorted bunch of cryptics is beautiful. I think the author gets really creative about some of monster traits and how their family functions. And while Bruno has a good heart, he keeps the kids around for other reasons--nothing horrible or anything. Some chapters have just really great descriptions too and its quality found family.

My Right Hand Man by  TheDisc (TheDisco)  ⭐

Though every day of the following week was identical, Kira savoured it. Perfect peace in his quiet life, unnoticed and left alone—he couldn’t ask for anything more.

Before work on a Thursday morning, Kira checked his mailbox. He flipped through, sorting the junk from the important letters, almost mindlessly, until he got to an unmarked manilla folder at the bottom of the stack. Kira set the rest aside and opened the folder.

His heart stopped.

Inside were photographs. Photos of himself, taken through a window, kissing his girlfriend in his kitchen. Photos of him lovingly painting his girlfriend’s nails. Even photos of his girlfriend, from all angles, sitting out on the table and in the fridge, taken from inside his home.

Violent nausea washed over Kira. His stomach twisted into a knot, his chest clenched with anger.

As Kira slid the photos back into the folder, he noted a letter tucked inside. Despite the waves of sickness washing through him, he managed enough coordination to read it.

And then he read it over again. And again. And again.

(Kira gets blackmailed into spending Christmas with his new neighbours.)

Thoughts: Look, we all have that one rarepair that just doesn’t get the content it deserves and any existing content doesn’t exactly pique your specific interests, but this one really makes up for a lot of the lack of content. Its kiraboss. Kinda messed up but they’re serial killers, so obviously lol. I like this fic an unreasonable amount. Kira’s POV is very good and I’m a sucker for the descriptions of his emotions--especially anxiety. 10/10

#jojos bizarre adventure #jjba #fic reccomendations #fanfiction #jjba fanfic #kiraboss #bruabba #fanfiction recommendation #fic recs

[my-writings-and-musings]

Hello! Just wanted to say that I really enjoy all your writing, it's the only thing that gives my tired body some serotonin. Can you do some berth-sharing headcannons with Ravage and human reader, please? Free to refuse if you're uncomfortable with it

(sorry for bad grammar, English is not my native language)

Aw, that's so incredibly nice of you to say! You just made my day! That's absolutely something I can do, and your English is perfect, don't worry at all. I hope you like what I have for our beloved kitty boy!

Ravage

·Being over six to eight feet tall at the shoulder, this big boy is absolutely massive compared to you, so his first bit of happiness upon your joining of the crew came from not being the smallest one on the ship anymore. Thanks to a bit of warning you also knew he wasn't a pet, so your polite respect quickly got you in his okay book, and eventually he decided to keep an optic on you when he's not guarding Megatron.

·Initially he'd hang out in the vents by your room and just... sleep in proximity to you. He wouldn't watch while you sleep or anything creepy, but he always wanted to be nearby just in case. Had he ever been caught he'd have brushed it off as ensuring the safety of the squishiest crewmember, because someone has to, right?

·Eventually he approaches you about being roommates, and you swear his darkly colored cheeks betray the faintest hint of a blush despite how incredibly casually he asks the question. Knowing how hard it must have been for him to even consider making this request, you don't point his bashfullness out, and gladly accept as you enjoy his company. You're certain the brightening of his optics and the delighted wave of his tail in response must have been an illusion.

·He's actually not a bad bot to share space with, but him being so unobtrusive occasionally results in him scaring the absolute daylights out of you, especially if you get up at night for a drink or something and there's just unexpectedly a giant cat in your path. He's actually embarrassed when, after one occasion, you ask why he always gets up when you do and he flounders for an answer. He mumbles something about his sensitive hearing waking him up.

·When you unexpectedly fall sick with an unpleasant but not dangerous illness, he's pushed to new levels of concern, especially when you're encouraged not to leave the room and to rest for the duration of your symptoms. He's worried beyond belief by this sudden increase in your vulnerability, even when he's told you'll absolutely survive. You were always fragile, but now you're tired and disoriented, and staying in the same place at all hours means a potential attacker will have no trouble finding you. Drastic measures must be taken.

·He half asks and half insists on sharing a berth, emphasizing the considerable amount of space that a bot sized one has for two beings of your size, as well as how he refuses to allow you to remain unguarded in such a brazen tactical error. You're almost certain your fever is giving you hallucinations before he sighs and places a tender paw over your hand, speaking plainly that he... appreciates your presence on the ship and just wants to be cautious. You agree while still partially convinced this isn't real.

·Thanks to good medicine and lots of rest, plus ample gifts and care from worried bots (who must pass an intimidating screening from Ravage before entering), you start on the path to recovery quickly. A clearer head allows you to see his promise of space on the berth fade each night, with his curled up form inching closer until his back is just an arms length from your body by the time your fever breaks. You never bring up returning to your old sleeping arrangements, and neither does he.

·Once you convince him the sickness has run its course and you're indeed all better, he seems to change in his own subtle way, as if the threat of losing you shocked something new into him even if it was hardly a possibility. There's a softness in his optics and a loosening of his always tense shoulders when the two of you are together.

·When you're up a little late on your phone one night, not in any hurry to go to bed, he quietly gets your attention with a little cough that sounds oh so much like a tiny meow. With his head laid between his paws and his ears tilted outwards in anxiety, he's undoubtedly blushing as he asks if you'd mind resting in... much closer proximity to him than usual. Just for tonight, even. Of course he'll understand if you say no, he just likes knowing you're alright. Your casual yes throws him for a total loop.

·For the first time ever you hear him purr. He doesn't just do it when you agree, but also in his deep sleep after he curls his body around the little mattress you sleep on, and the new closeness allows you to observe how his tail and ears and claws twitch in his sleep. You keep the cuteness of this discovery to yourself.

·His comfort around you grows beyond this newfound intimacy during bedtime, and eventually he gets downright friendly with you in public: swapping snarky quips, playfully pushing you with his shoulder, and even gently bumping his head against you on occasion throughout the day. On one especially upbeat evening he picks you up like a kitten in his surprisingly careful mouth and leaps onto the berth to get you there more effectively.

·A friendly pat on his shoulder in thanks immediately makes you panic; he hates being treated like an animal, what if he took that as unwanted petting? But before you can apologize he rubs his helm against you in a warm gesture of reasurance, explaining that he actually loves a good pat or scratch and that it's just the entitlement from most he can't stand. Friendly little touches are more than okay. For you in fact, so long as you ask permission, straight up petting is also okay.

·It turns out to be more than okay when he rests his helm just beside your mattress and requests some ear rubs, if you don't mind... The power of his purr is felt all the way up your arm as you happily do so, watching as his tail happily flicks all the while and he smiles softly while resting. The underside of his chin is another favorite spot.

·From that point on he essentially snuggles you in a manner similiar to a gigantic house cat, and every morning you find he starts to prefer waking up with you, stretching out completely before the day and encouraging you to do the same. If he thinks you're being lazy or if you have somewhere you need to be, he'll helpfully wake you up in his own way, bumping you with his nose or straight up lifting you out of bed like a misbehaving kitten.

·At one point he'll confess that he's missed sleeping with company something awful. Before everything changed, he and his friends would often huddle through the night for warmth and safety, and losing that connection hurt more than he'd ever admit to anyone but you. Having this back, curling around you each night and feeling you safe and alive beside him, has brought an unknowable kind of peace to his spark.

#transformers #more than meets the eye #mtmte #maccadam #lost light #idw #tf #transformers headcanon #requests #anon #my writing #my asks #ravage #self insert #human reader #ravage x reader

[script-nef]

Fluff alphabets | Hinata Shouyou

Others: Kageyama, Oikawa,  Tsukishima

Category: fluff

Affection: How affectionate is he? How does he show affection?

Hinata constantly wants to be holding you in any way available to him. He shows his love for you through countless kisses, hugs, texts, phone calls—just about anything.

He’s not afraid to proclaim his affection for you on live TV or in interviews but that subsequently means a lot of articles are written about you. Every single one of them is about how much of a doting and loving boyfriend is.

Baby: Does he want to start a family?

Yes.

Children between you and him? Of course he wants them! He’ll wish for them to be carbon copies of you because you’re the best person he knows and by his logic, that means his children will also be the best!

Thanks to his experience with Natsu, he’s skilled in taking care of babies and showers them in endless love. Would spend all of his spare time with you and the kids and every other parent will be envious of you.

Cuddles: Does he like cuddling? How often does he like hugging?

Hinata leaps at any chance to be around you.

He’ll use the most trivial excuse or reason to hug you: you look down, I’m hungry, your hair was flying around and you looked pretty, I wanted to check if your shampoo changed and whatnot.

You pointed out that since you’re going out with him, he doesn’t really need an excuse you cuddle with you. That made a lightbulb spark and now he just attacks you with surprise hugs whenever he wants.

Date: What is a typical date?

Exploring hidden corners of the city. This boy cannot sit still and requires physical activities or he’s going to go insane with the amount of energy that stockpiles.

He would scour them online or get some recommendations from friends when visiting their cities, or even his fans in the form of comments. It would mainly be cafés/restaurants or trinket shops so he can buy you loads of presents.

Experience: How much has he dated before? How does that reflect in this one?

He was an adult when he met you and he went out once or twice before, but it didn’t go for very long. This relationship with you is the longest yet!

He learnt bits and pieces from his previous relationships like how to treat your significant other and what not to do when dating, but it’s mostly useless since he’s somehow very intuitive in this area.

Fight: Do you fight often with him? How does it usually end?

Fights are incredibly rare, nearly none each year. The fact that you’re both so understanding and kind plays a factor. 

He also hates fighting with you because he believes every moment with the person he loves needs to be happy, even though that’s unrealistic.

He’s incredibly stubborn and will argue with you if he thinks he’s right. The fight can drag out for days but you eventually reconcile through talking and spend the rest of the day cuddling.

Gentle: How does he treat you?

Hinata isn’t gentle, despite popular beliefs. He’s driven by his emotions way too much and won’t realise when he’s putting physical pressure on you. Of course, he’ll back off once you say it.

Once he realises you’ve been saying that a lot, he’ll try to restrain himself but it doesn’t work. The second he sees you it’s just “!!!! [Name]!!!” and all control is chucked out the window.

Hand: Does he like holding your hand? How often?

When walking down the street or relaxing in the house, his hand is always glued onto yours. He uses it to tug and maneuver you around crowds and streets to arrive at your destination quickly.

Sometimes he draws little characters or writes with his thumb on your hand and asks what he wrote. It’s always things like simplified versions of your favourite anime characters or “I love you”

Impression: What was your first impression of him?

“Who is this absolute sunshine and how can I love him?”

Hinata tried to help you find your way after you were lost but he’s directionally challenged as well so… In conclusion, you spent around an hour walking aimlessly around the town. In that time, you somehow fell for him and asked for his phone number first. 

Even though it was obvious that he was as lost as you, he did his best to calm you down and led the way with unearned confidence which stole your heart.

Jealousy: Does he get jealous easily? What sets him off?

This boy cannot feel jealousy. At least in the romance area.

His heart is too wide and pure for any ugly emotions to rear their head in. If someone is constantly around you he’ll think “[Name] is so popular! I’m so happy everyone knows how cool they are!” and that’s it.

He’ll get kind of pouty if you say Kageyama is cool in front of him though. Hinata knows Kags is incomparable in volleyball skills so it’ll set his competitive fire even stronger.

Kiss: Is he good at kissing? When does he kiss you?

He likes innocent pecks all over your face whenever the mood strikes him. He doesn’t kiss deeper than that voluntarily. Sure, he’ll do it once you say it but not by himself.

He presses longer ones to your lips when he’s absolutely elated and cannot express his emotions in any other way. 

Love: Who said “I love you” first? And when does he say it?

Hinata said it first with such ease and energy. Like it was something obvious and common.

It was as he was leaving for his morning jog and you called after him to take a jacket. He kissed you on your forehead and yelled “I love you!” as he was slipping out of the door. It left you dumbstruck and frozen from your spot until you melted with a blush.

It was, of course, returned when he came back with tons of kisses and hugs.

Memory: What’s his favourite memory with you?

The moment he saw you after winning his first match with you watching from the crowd. His head snapped to you as soon as the last point for the match was won and you had the most dazzling smile on. 

It just filled him with such joy and happiness to see that you took the time out of your busy schedule to watch him. His heart basically just exploded when you hugged him afterwards and gushed about how amazing he was flying around.

You came to plenty of his matches after that, but nothing ever beat that rush of exhilaration he felt from the first time.

Nickname: Does he give you a nickname? Do you have one for him?

You have plenty for him: sunshine, love, tangerine, cutie, Shou, my light and more cheesy ones in private. He once asked you why you don’t call him those ones in public in front of all his friends and teammates while listing them off which basically killed you.

Once he realised that it was slightly embarrassing, he exclaimed that he loves hearing the nicknames in your voice and you should never be embarrassed. But he still understands if you don’t want to call him that.

His nicknames include shortening your name or adding “-chan” to the end of it.

Open: How open is he about his feelings?

So open. Hinata will shout how much he loves you from rooftops and mountain peaks if he feels like it. He never lets you doubt his love for you and constantly reassures you

The first time he mentioned you by “I’ll be back in time for dinner, [Name]-chan!” before running to the changing room made everyone double-take. After that, even when he received a scolding, he always says “I was able to perform better because [Name]-chan was cheering for me!” or something like that

PDA: Is he fine with PDA? How far can he go?

King of PDA right here, does not give a damn where you are. If you’re next to him and he wants to hug or kiss you? Then you’re going to receive them affections, there is no escape.

A private room of a restaurant, in the middle of a busy shopping centre, in a couple’s seat in the cinemas, nothing matters to him other than you.

Quirk: Habits or something he does which is unexpected?

Likes hiking in the afternoon. He started it first because the rough terrain would be a good workout for his leg muscles and help him in volleyball, but eventually does it whenever he’s feeling restless or bored. He’s super thankful that Japan is like, 70% mountains and tries to visit a new one every week.

Begs you to tag along because the scenery is wonderful and he wants to share it with you. Hinata wasn’t lying when he said the sunset was beautiful, the view is stunning.

Sometimes brings a picnic basket whenever you’re feeling a little down and feeds you a mountain worth of food while watching the sky change into red and orange.

Relax: What activities do you do with him to relax?

Playing video games together, often competing against each other.

Hinata received a variety of popular video games from Kenma a while back and is determined to clear all of them. He spends hours and hours of free time with you, glued on the sofa with you on his lap. It doesn’t really last though, since you wiggle and squirm so much during Mario Kart.

It usually starts in the afternoon until dinner, just hours and light competitiveness and fun. The loser usually has to clean up after the meal is finished.

Support: How supportive is he of your dreams? What do you do for him?

He’s like a serotonin boost that even being around him makes you feel more energised and motivated. Whenever you feel wiped out or exhausted, he’s right there to say positive things and encourage you to finish the assignment which is causing a massive migraine.

When you’re done, he’ll have some chocolate and warm tea to help you relax.

You pack him cute lunch boxes if you have time in the morning and put sticky notes of loving messages in it. His teammates get jealous when they see him giggling and texting you a response. 

But the best way to support him is to attend his matches and cheer for him.

Talk: What does he like talking about?

He loves talking to you about the experiences he had overseas. How different and free Brazil is, how lively and funny everyone is. Or the new players he met and trained with when he has practice matches against them.

He loves it when you talk about your childhood and all the things you went through before meeting him. There’s always something new to find out about you and he won’t stop until he knows every single detail about your life.

Umbrella: What’s his favourite weather/season?

Hinata’s favourite weather reflects his personality: a warm summer’s day. Not one of those unbearably hot and humid ones but one where the cool wind blows and the sun is pleasantly warm on your skin. 

He uses these days to go on a walk around the neighbourhood with you, mostly ending with a stroll around the park. Of course, he slathers on sunscreen on the both of you because safety first and he really needs to get rid of the remaining suncream from Brazil.

Vaunt: Does he like showing you off?

Hell yes, this boy flaunts you to everyone who’s willing to listen. Why wouldn’t he? You’re literally the best person he knows!

Not obnoxiously like “[Name]-chan is better than anyone else!” but more of a fanboy style. For instance: “I went to one of their presentations secretly and they were so eloquent and perfect, I can’t believe they’re dating me” like he isn’t one of the most sought after athletes in the entire country.

It’s to the point where his fans can recite facts about you and it leaves you confused.

“Shouyou, why does the public know all these things about me?” “Ummm…”

World: Where does he take you for vacation?

Definitely Brazil, specifically the same city he spent two years in. When he arrives, he’ll try to introduce you to all of his friends and acquaintances with the biggest smile.

He acts as a tour guide and shows you all the hidden favourite spots he found in his time there. Also teaches you some Portuguese and learns Spanish with you.

Of course, playing beach volleyball takes up a large amount of time over there. You joined in a couple of times even though your skills were considerably lacking than the other side.

It was mainly just for fun and experience (and ogling at Hinata ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

X-ray: What happens when you’re injured or sick?

This is painful—because of his memory of The Fever, he always tries to keep his body in tip-top shape. So your concerns of him overworking himself or falling ill get reduced to a minimum.

If you’re the one that’s sick, then he’s by your bed 24/7, ready to do anything you want or need. He calls up Iwaizumi and his teammates for advice and writes everything down, following it to a T.

Yearn: How much does he miss/pine for you when apart?

So damn much. This boy misses you the moment he steps into the plane and texts you until the flight attendant tells him to put the device away. It’s mostly heart emojis and selfies so he can look at them while flying.

It becomes a ritual that no matter what, no matter the difference in time, you have to call each other at least 3 times a day. It doesn’t have to be meal times but it has to be at least 3 times.

If not, he’ll be sad for the rest of the day and sulk the entire time he’s off the court. Eventually, his teammates all call you to please help this moody wing spiker.

ZZZ: Does he have sleeping habits?

Fidgets and moves around a lot in his sleep. Always wakes up in a different position and he’s so confused and disorientated. 

This kind of makes it hard for you since you sleep together so the solution was: buy a king-sized bed. It was like a whole new experience.

It works well until he once pushed you off. Your yelp woke him up and he apologised so much and nearly cried even though you were laughing and said it was okay.

#hinata x reader #hinata imagine #hinata shouyou x reader #hinata shouyou imagine #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu!! imagine #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! headcanons #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #hinata #hinata shouyou #fluff #alphabets #gender neutral reader

[hazard-and-friends]

Month 11

What the fuck. Holy hell buddy.

The focus here will be catching us up with the missed months and then next month I’ll do a 1 year retrospective.

The last time I posted one of these was January 9th. In late February, we moved from FL to WA; at the end of the month we moved into a new, one bedroom apartment. In mid-March I started a part time job which I adore (running puppy camp at a R+ facility! in the next few weeks I’ll start teaching swims and puppy play groups!). So first we did a massive amount of prep for the move, and then we did even more prep for post-move things like “meeting my family” and “oh shit there’s hills now” and in between the two we’ve made huge strides on the cat thing.

The details!

Night time: We have completely stopped putting him in the crate at night. There were two reasons for crating to begin with: 1) We didn’t know where Penny wanted to sleep and didn’t trust them when we were asleep and 2) to create good sleepy associations prior to the plane flight. #2 is no longer relevant and a) Penny wants to sleep Up or in the bed and b) Hazard laaaaargely doesn’t care about her once the lights go off. So he sleeps on the floor, after a VERY exciting 4 nights at the airbnb where he got to sleep in the people bed with the people (Penny slept on top of the catinets cabinets).

Crate in general: I spent 2 months working on the plastic crate not being the actual devil, and he did end up being happy in it. But he’s regressed to thinking that crates in general are prison spaces due to the plane flight, so it’s all to the good that he doesn’t have to go in at all anymore. Regular crate training (for trials) is on the task list.

Medications: He was on trazodone through late March. For the flight itself, I started him on gabapentin (100 mg 3x daily) 24 hours before the flight, and gave him a double dose when we left the apartment. All of this was cleared with his vet first, consult with your own etc. No side effects and the gabapentin definitely helped--but he was still upset at takeoff and landing. One of the reasons I wanted him to see a vet in March was to switch off trazodone and onto something actually validated in separation anxiety. He’s now on Reconcile, 24 mg once a day. At 2 weeks in: No lasting side effects (the first 48 hours were a little weird), and overall anxiety is decreasing.

Anxiety in general: IT’S BEEN A FUN TIME Y’ALL. Because trazodone and prozac (Reconcile) both affect serotonin, he had to come off trazodone for 4-5 days before starting Reconcile. Which confirmed a bunch of things:

Trazodone wasn’t doing very much at all. 90% of the time he was unchanged.

He is WAY more anxious on car rides than anyone realized. Once off trazodone, he started whining continuously on the way out--the way back is fine, either because he’s exhausted, he knows we’re going home, or we’ve already been to the superfunexcitingplace.

Trazodone wasn’t doing SHIT for his separation anxiety, which was unchanged.

He was only slightly more reactive to the cat and no more reactive to strangers. Cool.

Now that we’re 2 weeks into Reconcile: Starting to see big improvements in separation anxiety (more on that later) and cat tolerance is back to baseline (ditto). Car rides are still chatty but rapidly improving. No side effects, still playful and happy and silly.

Separation anxiety: Over a month, we achingly worked our way up to 90 seconds of me gone, or 30 seconds of me gone if I had done one preparing-to-leave thing. And even that was unreliable. That’s not right, guys. That’s the big reason we switched medications. Because keep in mind that all of this is while Jo was in the room with him. Yesterday I left to run errands with no prep and he just watched. I love Reconcile. It took about 5 minutes for him to settle down, but still. Plan is to bust ass and get to 15 minutes with no pre-departure cues and then add them back in.

Cat: Two steps forward one step sideways. While he chases her every other day or so, there are no gates in the new apartment. Sometimes we close the door to the bedroom so Penny can be unmolested, but often she’s the one who wants out, and she’s finding more and more places to chill. Moooost nights Hazard gets tied (harness to longline to my desk) but that’s more so that we don’t have to be constantly watching. At night there’s sometimes scuffles, but those end with Penny wherever she wanted to be and Hazard under the bed.

Weight: Vet had him at 44 lbs but he hadn’t pooped that day. He’s now on diet Hills SD, 1.5 cups, but he also gets around 100 pieces of treats a day so that’s surely impacting things. He’s looking better and better though--nice thigh muscles.

Formal training: I have completely jumped the shark and started teaching rally cues. As soon as the budget balances I want to get back to doing rally with Sydney’s trainer, and he’s picking up the basics really fast. Also, recall?? Is coming along fabulously?? Amazing. Love it when I don’t have to do anything.

I jest, I did a lot. We did a bowl game where I put him in a wait, put food in his bowl, then went to the other side of the room and called him. He had to come to me before going to the food, and that really helped recall click in a way that other games hadn’t.

Handling: After 11 months I admitted defeat and took him to the vet for nails. The vet tech’s verdict is that he sang at her but she got them done in 5 minutes so hey. We’re going back to the very basics and doing it to enthusiasm, not compliance, this time. Sigh.

Good note: I did teach him a chin rest and he now LOVES offering it. Amazing. Love him so much.

Stranger danger: the BIGGEST progress. In the last month he’s met both my parents, my grandparents, one of my siblings, and a friend. 6 people, 3 genders, aged 19-77, and a whole array of builds and heights. They’re all white but you can’t have everything. A growing theme is he’s much better in novel environments than in his home base, so probably we’ll be meeting people outside and then walking them in. But still, seeing huge improvements in his willingness to associate with strange humans and let them touch him.

Walks: 40 min morning/20 min evening, except for once a week when it’s a 50-60 min hike or sometimes we rent the field at my work... It’s hard to be a dog ;) Fitness is less his problem on walks than focus for that long, so the hike is actually easier for him than 40 min along a 35mph road. Still, we’re getting lots of nice perky behavior out and about.

#ELEVEN MONTHS SORRY WHAT #training log #april 2021 #hazard to society

[chaotic-tired-cat]

I highly enjoy all of your stories! Can’t wait for an update! You are an amazing writer! <3 <3 <3

Aaaaaa thank you so much!!! This ask made me so happy💙💙💙💙

Not sure when im gonna be able to update, so here’s a deleted snippet from the Grasshopper dorms to help till then:

Ochako clatters her way down the stairwell shortly after four in the mourning with no care or regard for who may hear her. If Hagakure is right and there are ghosts in these buildings, then that's their problem. Any and all spirits are trapped in here with Ochako, not the other way around. Also, she wants to make haunted friends.

So she’s going to make tea.

Every night.

For her ghost friends who she hasn’t met yet but will, just wait and see, Tsu.

The common room is not as empty as she had hoped. It’s disappointing. What kind of self-respecting ghost is going to appear in front of two people and a cat? Theres no drama in that, no intrigue. Cats don't respect anyone regardless of mortal status.

Regardless, Hitoshi is melting into the couch and barely reacts to her arrival. He apparently didn’t sleep at all last night, and solved that by downing a truly obscene amount of caffeine to make it through the day. Ochako had counted the energy drink cans and sorted them into groups of five while Izuku bore witness with the air of someone who has seen and done much, much worse. He probably has.

It’s now Saturday morning, so. Small mercies. Ochako approaches cautiously, and takes the lack of glaring as permission to pet the cat.

Hitoshi acknowledges this with a dull stare.

“Hey, you know that a cat’s cheeks are called the peanut pouch?” Ochako boops Beans on the nose and makes a delighted noise when the cat’s cheeks poof up even more. “It’s the little circles of floof on either side of his nose.”

Hitoshi’s eyes widen to twice their size. “What,” he squeaks with rare emotion that can only be summoned through thirty-six hours of continuous consciousness.

“A peanut pouch.”

“Oh my God,” Hitoshi whispers, barely holding back tears. Beans gets up and resettles down on Hitoshi’s lap. He pets the cat with utmost gentleness. “I know now.”

Ochako sits next to him on the couch to watch this new exciting breakdown with all the delight it deserves. “Are you crying?”

“It’s the serotonin,” Hitoshi croaks through tears and barely-suppressed laughter. “Hey. Hey, Beans, did- did you know? You have peanuts pouches.”

“A peanut pouch.”

“You have a pouch-“ Hitoshi manages before laughter bubbles up and he has to stop and breathe before carrying on. “You have a pouch for peanuts.”

“Just one,” Ochako corrects. She had no idea telling Hitoshi the scientifically inaccurate name for a cat’s cheeks would result in nearly breaking him, but it’s certainly worth it. At least this appears to be a good mental breakdown. Some moments need to be recorded for prosperity, so Ochako dutifully bears the title of archivist. She opens her phone’s camera.

“It’s because his whisker-cheeks look like a peanut,” Ochako says, hoping to prompt a further breakdown. She is not disappointed when Hitoshi wheezes a laugh and hugs Beans shakily. Beans wheezes mid-purr, prompting further hysterics.

“You have a pouch,” Hitoshi garbles to the cat who has already begun to fall asleep again, “for a singular peanut. I’m so proud.”

Ochako, delighted at the sleep-deprived theatrics, scoots closer with her phone. “Peanut pouches.”

“Peanut pouches,” Hitoshi sobs in confirmation, just as the tell-tale click-click of Izuku’s crutches announces their TA’s arrival.

“Peanut pouches?” Izuku asks distantly. He rounds the corner and stops, bewildered at why Ochako is filming Hitoshi crying on the couch at four in the morning. Beans has begun to snore.

“Pouches,” Hitoshi whispers brokenly through the tears like his life depends on it. “For peanuts and whiskers.”

“Pouches,” Izuku repeats slowly, before glancing down at his ace hoodie pocket. “Y’all put peanut shells in your pockets? That’s nasty.”

“It’s for whiskers and wholesome Beans,” Hitoshi tells him. Ochako gleefully zooms in on Izuku’s confused face because she fully intends to treasure her highschool memories. Once they’re all well-rested and she has permission to post it, this is absolutely going in the class group chat.

Izuku squints like he’s trying to be angry but is too confused to pull it off. “Beans has a pouch? Listen, I know my cat weighs more than a brick shithouse, but implying he’s got some sort of kangaroo genetics is fucked up.”

Hitoshi cackles brokenly, which wakes Beans back up. The cat blinks at all the attention Hitoshi immediately bestows upon him, and yawns before tucking his nose into a fold of Hitoshi’s hoodie. This only serves to make his cheeks and whiskers poof up. Hitoshi blinks through his tears with immense effort.

Izuku half-squints, half-glares at Ochako. “I don’t know how you did this, but I know it was you,” he tells her. “Stop antagonizing him.”

“I didn’t do anything. Well, almost anything.”

“...Uh huh.” Izuku carefully steps over to inspect Hitoshi’s breakdown before deciding nah, better let it take its course.

He wanders off to the kitchen and pulls down an entire bag of massive marshmallows instead. Ochako perches on a stool by the counter to watch the proceedings. Hopefully Hitoshi will actually be able to fall asleep while they’re distracted.

Izuku takes out an entire baking pan, greases it with butter, and sets up graham crackers on the inside. He breaks three chocolate bars inside, tops it with the marshmallows, and throws the whole health hazard into the oven. 

He then hunkers down in front of the oven and stares at it.

Ochako waits until it’s clear he’s intent on staying there until the smoke alarm goes off again. “What’s that?”

“Science.”

“Isn’t that gonna burn the pan?”

Izuku grins with all his teeth at his soon-to-be-charcoal snack. “Absolutely.”

Wild.

Ochako wants in.

She grabs a pack of oreos, checks the clock - 4:35 am, nice. Aizawa’s going to be so disappointed in all of them - and hunches beside Izuku as a second kitchen gargoyle.

#anon #tired cat asks #grasshopper #fic snippet #here u go anon i hope u like it

[carrotcakesweetie]

Please, Sit and Stay for a Awhile...

We have all been a victim of it, but yet we all swear we haven't. We wake up everyday thinking we need some kind of morning routine to be more proactive, we watch makeup tutorials and product reviews, we read over endless forums on skincare and hair care and what are the best products and what celebrity uses them. We go shopping for the latest trends and the serotonin from that new outfit you've gotten lasts only about a day or two. We see pictures of girls in wigs, and we bring them to our hairdressers with unrealistic expectations. We sit in the long drive-thru lines to pay for an expensive cup of coffee, that we could have made in the comfort of our homes.

                * I find myself on the floor of the shower one day, unable to bring myself to stand and allowing the hot water to fully submerge my face. A few moments pass, and finally, I take a gasp of air. My mind riddled with these thoughts, almost constantly. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I have been a prisoner here since I was merely 11 years old. The very first year I knew what it felt like to compare myself to other women. It gets a little stale in this prison I must admit, there are so many women here that it's hard to make my way around. Sometimes I bump into women that change their outfit 7 times a day, and I don't think I've ever seen that one red-headed girl without false eyelashes on a day since she's been here, oh yeah! there is that new girl with beautiful brown eyes that I see pretty often but she doesn't eat much of anything. It's kind of impossible trying to make conversation here, sometimes I can't tell if someone is being friendly, or if they are holding a sharp dagger behind their back. Anyways... as I've stated I have been here for many and many years. The strange thing about this prison is that no matter how much time has gone past it's still the same. Different styles and colors every now and then...but the people remain the same. *

- As I stand wobbly like in the bathroom, I hunch forward over my bathroom vanity and give myself a deep look in the mirror and I ask myself why I am allowing myself to remain imprisoned in these thoughts-

                                                   *So Pause*

                In order to take control of my life again, I needed to state some ground rules

As someone who has always been guilty of maybe bending the rules just a smidge, I knew this would be quiet the challenge. However, it's frankly now or never and no in-between. I have already wasted so much delicate time and for that, it is already difficult to forgive myself. Yet I must set sail.

                                                      Rule #1

      Stop Being So Judgemental: Now whether we consider ourselves to be good people or not, we are all guilty of being judgemental in some way or some form. Being judgemental to me looks like this:

Having a preconceived notion about someone or something that you don't understand or don't know right to be true. However your opinion is upmost absolutely certain, and nothing can change your mind. (Point Blank. The END. PERIOD)

Getting past this is not only crucial for your own mental well being, but it also helps you to forge better relationships with people. You are on your way to becoming a much more compassionate human being. My relationship will be thankful for it. My future relationships will be grateful.

                                                         Rule #2

Not Overreacting or Taking Things Personally: This was/is a HUGE DEAL for me. I am guilty of being a tad bit overdramatic you could say, and I had a difficult time not letting things get to me.

Not taking things as personally has helped me to understand that everyone's situation is different and that just because I might think someone has shown me disrespectful behavior, that shouldn't warrant any emotional response. Let's face it, emotional reactions are not that pleasant. It makes things uncomfortable and sometimes awkward. Overreacting at the moment can lead to regret in the future. Though I may be freaking out on the inside, I have found it much more functional to remain calm and unbothered. Though sometimes, this can lead me to seem a little dissociative, I have found it to bring a lot more zen into my life.

                                                          Rule #3

  NO MORE BEAUTY GUROS: This rule is very special and unique to me. This was the most difficult thing for me to swallow. I have made it a personal goal this year, to completely feel comfortable without makeup and in my own skin. Makeup has been nothing but a crutch for me since I was a teenager. My relationship with it is very toxic. This is not unique to me, but like many women, I have never considered myself to be beautiful without it. Whenevenever I started my minimalist journey, the hardest thing for me to part with, was my makeup. Now I am glad to say I am down to one small makeup bag and I'm looking to keep knocking it down.

     Remember this: I am not talking down about the artistry of makeup. I understand many women use it as an art form. I have just been riddled with acne for almost all of my teen and adult life and turned to cosmetics for confidence.

I feel like letting this go will be my biggest challenge to overcome in life (which is rather sad to admit), but even downsizing and progressing to a more natural look,  has honestly done wonders for me. I save SO SO much money, by not frequenting cosmetic stores and I feel SO much better about myself when I'm not burying myself in makeup and skincare tutorials before bed every night, searching for answers I'd never find. It's scary how much I was consumed with always wanting to look a certain way. The truth is, no amount of makeup would ever make me feel complete.

& ALSO MY HAIR-  After graduating beauty school, I thought for sure that I'd like to "FIXUP" my hair all of the time. I used to be very insecure about my hair texture and I often wore it short for that reason.

                 Now You'd be lucky to see my hair brushed, and Honestly, I love it.

                          A little chaos never hurt anybody, but only a little ;)

                                                          Rule #4

GOODBYE FAST FASHION, HELLOW SLOW FASHION: Good quality items Ladies!

Whenever I shop, I like to make sure I know exactly what I'm looking for. I want to make sure my clothes last, they fit well, and they are good for my skin and the environment! I used to ALWAYS look for a bargain deal. The truth is, you're spending less money now to have to replace it with more money in the near future. I like to make sure whatever it is that I buy will be timeless. This means it will never not be in style and I will always have clothes to wear for many, many years to come.

The truth is, that your clothes, your body, and your hair are the least most interesting things about you. Unless fashion is YOUR LIFE don't let it have yours.

                                                    Rule #5

  QUALITY LIFE AND QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS: We all know the famous quote "life is short"

We are always making inspiration boards, Saying "I WISH" way too often, and sometimes even "MAYBE ANOTHER TIME".

Will there be another time? One of the most common things people tend to say on their deathbeds is that they wish they would have spent more time with someone they loved. I don't want to be that person.

I think that sometimes we are so focused on the number of people in our lives, versus the quality of the relationships you already have. How many people in your phone can you call and talk to and trust them to have your best interest in mind? Ok, now how many people do you have stored in your phone?

                             YES, I DECLUTTER MY LIFE IN PEOPLE TOO.

Not everyone is going to add value to your life, and not everyone has your best interest in mind. Whenever you have fewer things bothering you and surrounding you...you start wanting more out of life and turn to the people you are closest to.

These are some of the biggest rules that have helped me with my growth and truthfully finding myself as a woman. I feel like having a simpler approach to life, is the very key to happiness. We as humans like to over complicate things, but who needs the added pressure.  If you always imagined yourself frolicking in a field of daisies on a stormy day, and coming home to a candlelit home in the middle of nowhere. Wearing long and comfortable dresses, and making homemade bread all day. Then you do it! (Maybe that's just me, but I embrace my childlike dreams) Only you are in control of the world you live in. Don't feel pressured to live everyone else's. <3

To whomever is reading this, I hope you at least can take this on with you. Learn to love the way you look (and I mean really look), learn to love both the child and the woman within you, learn to love other women and encourage them to find their true selves, and learn to not pass judgment and hopefully you will inspire someone else to do the same...we are all in search of a quality life.

                                                                     Let us escape this prison together,

                                                                                        Carrot Cake Sweetie

#motivation #cottagecore #womenempowerment #womensupportingwomen #minimalist #dark and moody #moodyphotography #food photo blog #feminine #traditional femininity #Homemaker #Homestead #lifestyle #lifelessons #Christian #photography #slowfashion #vintage #slow living #hyggestyle #makeup #skincare #beauty #decor #fall aesthetic #autumn

[zwiezraczek]

Blurb request! 20 She/Her Y/N joins the team, but gets hurt when she "dies". Thank you 😊

Love at First Sight [Blurb]

20. “I think I just found somebody to love” // You get hurt as you join the team

Part 2: Wounded

(No problem about the pairing haha ^^)

You were the big brain and not the reckless person you pretended to be. You only pretended, never showing how lonely you felt at work when your co-workers invited you to go and get a drink with them. Loneliness scared you, but people were scarier. Their judgment, their looks, their words, everything. If you could, you would curl up in your bed, binge-watching another show, a useless one, the kind of show that didn’t require any IQ and then, you would binge-eat. The perfect plan. Nobody would care if you died, they would be relieved and you knew that. Maybe your parents would cry for a moment because they always saw you as the happiest girl of the family: the one with a great job, with great abilities, with money and everything. Everything but happiness. Serotonin stopped flowing through your brain as soon as you started working for this evil company, wanting money, more and more, never enough as you sunk into more anxiety, maybe depression. But you didn't care, right? You had human contact, you even called your mother everyday and laughed with her, and as you hung up you got yourself a cup of tea before beginning to over-think how all your high-school friends were married, had children, a house and a debt. And you? You had none of these.

This was when One stepped in, during one night, as you were lying on your bed, under your blanket, maybe crying, maybe not, looking at the ceiling. Failure. Big big failure. You wished that you weren’t here, and somehow, feeling someone’s presence eased your mind: did our time come?

“Wow,” the man said as he approached the bed looking at you. “People tend to put gun against my head telling that if they pull I’m dead.”

“Pull the trigger if it amuses you, take whatever you want too, don’t care,” you muttered still looking at the ceiling. You accepted it, it was only a matter of time now.

“Okay,” he said, sitting on the bed next to you. “I’ll need your brain right here, for more greater good than money y/n,” the stranger said, and you immediately looked at him. A murderer would know your name? Not impossible. “I’m a kind of Robin Hood, stealing from rich bastards to give to poor people.”

“Wow, where were you Robin when I needed you,” you asked, looking back at the ceiling.

“Looking for you, I, we, me and my team, will need your abilities to track the bad people and to help the ones in need. You’ll be more than a stain in the whole painting, a bug in the system with your small legs and antennae wiggling you know,” he said as he put his hands against his temples, miming antennae. “You in?”

You thought about it for a second, maybe you were more reckless than you thought when you accepted to be part of this crazy thing, without even knowing what it was about. You maybe were desperate to be needed, to help others.

~~~

Unfortunately, nothing was as easy as it seemed. You had to die. Legally speaking of course, you had to jump of a bridge, with many people around, into the cold water, with one of your co-workers coming “too late” to save you. You began to sweat, your palms moist as you stepped on the edge of the huge bridge, you first sat as people used to do there. Somebody is down there waiting for me if I lose my shit, you thought as you squeezed your hands together. Nothing could go wrong, right? You were so far from the truth. You got up, you knew you had One’s eyes on you from afar, him telling you when your co-worker arrived, you looked at them and smiled. Finally some relief. And as you prepared yourself to jump, hearing vaguely your name coming from the mouth of your co-worker, you slipped. This wasn’t how you were supposedto die, really. You feel the air hitting your face, water being closer and closer as you fell down, you felt death, for real. You closed your eyes, a splash, darkness, water and coldness. Slowly, your body began to sink, cold taking over your body as you fell asleep, for a long moment it seemed…

~~~

Fuck, Four muttered as he saw you slip from the bridge. He knew how dangerous this situation was for both of you, because he had to put an oxygen mask on your face, but with you being unconscious, everything became way more difficult. She had to slip from that fucking bridge, she fucking had to. He swam up to you, seeing you drowning, eyes closed and put the oxygen mask on your mouth, he touched your neck to look if your heart was still beating and thankfully it was. If he could sigh, he would. He wrapped his hand around your waist, delicately not knowing how to handle this situation underwater because you had to swim for a long moment with him, to reach somewhere when nobody would notice you coming out, a place where Five stayed with Three in order to greet you. But you were unconscious, and Four had to swim for two, struggling as he never did, cursing under his breath until he reached the spot the boat was waiting for them.

Four dragged you out of water, looking at your pale face in this foggy weather. He quickly found himself overwhelmed by the amount of beauty he saw, your rosy cheeks and nose as you breathed slowly, eyes closed, visibly cold. He held you against his chest to bring you to the boat, having a closer look on your face, you were freezing to death and he wished his body could provide enough heat to not let you die, you seemed too angelic to die. And if you would, he would kill One for this. And as he reached the boat, Five hurrying him up to get you up there as she knew what happened, and left you in Three’s arms to bring you inside, he whispered to himself “I think I just found somebody to love…”

~~~

Four sat by your bed everyday, you were in a small coma for a few days after your bad fall, with a broken hand too. And he is here, waiting for you to wake up. It became his morning routine, to go and say hello to you, to look at your face, to hold your hand. He didn’t know you, he felt weird about it, but at the same time he wanted to be the first one you would see when you would open your eyes. He even practiced his lines, imagining every possible dialogue, day dreaming about you opening your eyes – which color were they? Would they shine? Would they look at you the same way he looked at you? During these moments, Three would appear in the medical trailer, laughing a bit as he saw Four all worked up about their new recruit, Eight, you.

“Don Juan de la Ukraina,” he would tease him as he put a sandwich on the small table next to your bed.

“Fuck you, fuck Two,” Four would reply, with a grumpy face.

“My pleasure, of course Don. Hope your girl will wake up soon so you can woo h…”

“Stop it,” he would stop him as soon as he could, face becoming reddish.

“Oy papi, you are so much in love,” he would laugh and go out, Four still hearing him from where he was sitting.

~~~

You felt light on your eyelids. You felt warmth, a weight on your hand, cologne. You felt again, after a few days of dreaming and wandering. Your fuzzy mind only remembering the moment you fell, water, bubbles, darkness. Slowly, you began to open your eyes, struck by the light. Your throat still dry, and your mouth felt like paper as you wanted to ask where you were, and who was probably holding your hand, but the weight disappeared as soon as you began to open your eyes. And you saw him, these blond locks and blue eyes looking at you, fondly, with care. A look you forgot, nobody looked at you with so much care and passion, and even your fuzzy mind could figure this out. He gave you some water to drink, carefully as you gulped half the glass. He smiled.

“Who are you,” you managed to ask, with a weak voice as you looked at him, thankful.

“The guy who got you out of trouble when you fell off that bridge,” he answered, putting his hand on your shoulder. “I’m Four, welcome in the Ghosts crew, Eight.”

#ben hardy #four x reader #four!ben #four/billy #four ben hardy #ben hardy four #6 underground ben hardy #6 underground #six underground ben hardy #six underground #ben hardy imagine #ben hardy blurbs #blurb

[isitreallyok]

Super Hero Time and My Very Own Kamen Rider Club

[A quick note before we get started here.  In this post and likely in all posts to come names of people in my personal life have been changed to maintain anonymity.] After last week’s heavy topic regarding the pressures of positivity, I thought it would be better to at least start this week off lighthearted. It’s very likely that the vast majority of the readers of this are going to be from the US and as such likely have grown up with or at least seen an episode of Power Rangers. While there are a lot of things that the Power Rangers franchise does that are beyond silly and seem absolutely ridiculous to many of us that see them as adults, the things that are presented in these shows seem absolutely incredible to their target audience. These shows are marketed towards children in case that wasn’t obvious.

Power Rangers is a nostalgic thing to watch for me and I still greatly enjoy it!

Well dear reader, I am glad we agree on that. I grew up watching Power Rangers and as time has gone on I have found that I still enjoy the monster fighting, transforming, masked heroes presented therein. There are even a number of series in the franchise that I have enjoyed even as an adult. Though as I have grown older, and in turn begun to use subtitles on everything I watch, I have developed a fascination with Asian television as a whole since it tends to feel vastly different from most of what is made available in the US. This fascination extends to tokusatsu television shows including but not limited to Super Sentai and Kamen Rider.

For those who aren’t aware, Power Rangers is actually based on the long standing Super Sentai franchise in Japan. Each week on Sunday mornings, similarly to the Saturday morning cartoons of yore, a television block called Super Hero Time airs. This consists of the most recent annual series for both Super Sentai and the annual series of another long standing series called Kamen Rider. Both of these play into the gimmick of transforming masked heroes that have a different theme with each season. Of late I have been enjoying watching episodes of each of these series with a small group of folks on Discord and let me tell you all about the joy of finally finding a group of lovely people that are interested in these series the same way I am.

Sounds like it’s time for a story. Shall we queue the “Long Ago In A Galaxy Far Far Away…” scrawl?

You know what. That sounds fun. Lets imagine this as an opening to a cinematic experience. Lets travel back to June of the COVID times, a mere six months that feels like it is 87 years ago . At this point depression had grabbed a hold of me and thrown me so deep into the pits of despair that I wasn’t sure where I was going to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I had just been through a breakup with my first girlfriend in four years, I was living at an extended stay with my father taking care of him as best as I was capable, all while sacrificing my own ability to take of myself and cope with the emotional break down that was happening as my social life and many of my friendships were falling to shambles.

Enter Kenshiro. I started interacting with Kenshiro on Twitter earlier in 2020 and saw that he posted a lot about One Piece (which I was actively catching up on at the time) and things in the tokusatsu genre. Eventually I noticed that he had posted about a small group of folx who ended up getting together on Tuesday nights to watch Sentai together. I managed to quickly, and very temporarily, overcome my social anxiety and asked if it would be possible for an invite to this group. Kenshiro had a “the more the merrier style” approach to this group and I was welcomed in with open arms. Thus beginning a journey that has lasted six months and is still going today.

I think it’s wonderful that you managed to overcome your social anxiety to get into the group, but don’t social interactions overwhelm you regardless?

Though I was able to get an invite into the server and start enjoying these watch parties with the crew, the social impact was still quite overwhelming. On any given night that we were watching Sentai shows there were between 14 and 20 people all typing (we mute our mics when we watch) at the same time and the wall of text that forms while there are four to six different discussions going on about the show was really overwhelming at first. I struggled to really feel like I belonged even though people were engaged and encouraging me with everything that I was talking about.

That all changed when Ex-Aid started up Rider Time on Thursdays. When I first joined up we were watching intermittent episodes of both Carranger and Gokaiger on Tuesdays and it was a blast. Carranger, the series that Power Rangers Turbo was based on, was easily the most 80s nonsense I’ve seen in a long time with multicolored jobber baddies that ended up being completely over the top and I loved every second of it. Eventually though we moved towards watching Gokaiger, a pirate themed anniversary season of Sentai, in its entirety. Once we moved to the stick to a single series and watch it all the way through it only made sense that someone would start up a different night for us to watch Kamen Rider.

This was originally an effort spearheaded by Ex-Aid to further the scope of the tokusatsu shows that we were watching as a group. We were running Sentai on Tuesdays, Kamen Rider on Thursdays, and Ultraman on Fridays. It was a wonderful time to have such an incredible community to surround myself with even if I was a little bit intimidated by the amount of interaction on some of the busier nights.

It sounds like a really nice time. How did you manage to overcome your social anxiety though?

Oddly enough, it came pretty natural to me when I started actually plugging myself into the Thursday night crowd. When we first began the Thursday night watch parties it started off with Kamen Rider Drive. This was a series that I had tried to get into before but never really managed to enjoy so I was a little hesitant to go through it because I didn’t think I’d enjoy it. Since we were only watching 3 episodes a week I figured I could carve out an hour and a half of my time to watch some stuff with like minded individuals even if I wasn’t the biggest fan of what we were watching. Guess what, it turns out that my gut reaction to the series was completely wrong and now I absolutely love it and am excited to revisit it when the show is a little less fresh in my mind.

The first few times I tuned in on Thursdays I was a little bit shy. I didn’t say much, I didn’t want to really engage because of the smaller atmosphere, and I sure wasn’t willing to divulge anything going on in my personal life to this new found group. Within two weeks that all changed. I began to joke around with people and participate in the call and response type stuff that we now do during opening and endings even if it’s just typing in all caps the English lyrics in the opening song.

I think the small environment really did wonders for my anxiety because since I wasn’t heavily invested at the start if I felt like I butted heads with any of the group I could have just politely backed out and stopped watching with that small group. By having this group of four to six other people instead of the routine fifteen to twenty that we were drawing on Tuesdays, in time, I felt much more comfortable putting myself out there and letting my voice and opinions be heard. In a very short time, I managed to get very comfortable with this small group and even was more confident and open during the Sentai streaming on Tuesdays with the larger group as well.

Though I absolutely adore the entirety of this community that has been built surrounding both One Piece and tokusatsu shows as a whole, I particularly enjoy the time that I’ve spent with my very own Kamen Rider Club!

Kamen Rider Club?! Frankly that sounds a little childish when worded like that.

It kind of does, doesn’t it? It is what we in the Thursday night crew call ourselves. It is also a reference to what the main cast of Kamen Rider Fourze call themselves. One thing that this weekly gathering of the fans has taught me it is that its okay to enjoy childish things. I’ve even bought myself some of the toys that have come from various Kamen Rider series as I have seen them during our very own show and tell segment where we all showed off our collectibles and various toys. So while yes show and tell is a bit of a childish thing to do it brought joy to our little group. The amount of serotonin I have generated in the last few weeks by playing with the aforementioned toys is astounding. Getting in touch with my inner child and remembering that it is actually rather fun to play pretend has been a real delight.

As adults, we often work ourselves day in and day out to take care of mundane tasks that are essential to our survival. We wake up, go to work, come home, make or order some dinner, eat, and then get ready for bed. I’ve chosen to add finding happiness in doing the things I wasn’t able to do as a kid to the list. Staying up late to find that next save point in a game, buying toys neither myself or my family could afford as a kid, watching nostalgic b movies that brought me some joy as a child, and following along with all the tokusatsu shows my heart can desire are just a few ways I’ve managed to embrace my inner child and cater to my own personal and emotional needs in doing so. There is nothing wrong with being a little childish from time to time. Doing this has introduced me to so many people that I never would have met otherwise.

It really does sound like you’ve managed to build yourself a group of friends here. Isn’t it pretty cool what can happen when you trust that others aren’t going to have your worst interest in mind.

You’re right. I let some people in and was actually surprised with the results. I absolutely adore this little crowd I’ve got. They have all done so much for me without ever realizing it and I am beyond appreciative. Ex-Aid started the KRC on Thursday nights and drops some incredible trivia all over the place. OOO and I have a ton in common and they are an absolute delight to talk to. I am always excited to see them pop into a conversation on the Discord because we tend to have a similar line of thought and form of humor we do have some differences in personal taste that account for unique perspectives and I absolutely love hearing about them. Epsilon and I both are not afraid to make lewd jokes about what we are watching. Tastefully of course. … Most of the time. Epsilon has also offered to be a conversation partner as I continue to get back to my study of the Japanese language! Zi-O has managed to convince me to revisit series I had otherwise written off because I didn’t think they would be of interest, but they managed to sell me on them so I now have an expansive list of series that I want to watch and a planned order to revisit them. Kiva and I aren’t particularly close as I haven’t done much to actually talk to them, but I’m excited to see things develop more in that regard because they seem like a really fun person to talk to. Finally there is Chaser. They are our newest member of our Thursday night group and they have managed to have me laugh so hard I’ve done spit takes. I appreciate each and every one of our little Kamen Rider Club more than words can ever say.

Quick aside and mushy feelings bit here, but if any the KRC are reading this I want you to know that you all have absolutely made 2020 better for me. We’ve had an incredible amount of laughs together. We’ve seen each other through being both happy and sad. Frankly, you all have reminded me that I do have people who I can call friends on days where I didn’t think there was anyone who wanted anything to do with me. I appreciate you, I absolutely adore each of you, and words can not express my gratitude for the warm welcome that I have received into this lovely community. You all have helped me grow as a person in ways that I didn’t expect going into this group. Shaking off my depression blues and finding confidence to embrace my love of these silly kids shows has been in large part thanks to you all. I love you all. Thank you.

Outside of our usual Thursday crew there are so many more people in this community that have put a smile on my face and some joy in my heart, but there is one other person that I would like to take a moment to express some gratitude for. Scipio was one of the first people I actually felt comfortable bantering with in the Tuesday community before the creation of our Rider Time segment on Thursday. They had an incredibly warm and friendly demeanor about them and naturally I didn’t mind bantering with them during the Sentai watch parties. After a while I followed them on Twitter and recently I reached out to them there and they were willing and able to listen to me when I was feeling overwhelmed about the state of chaos in my life and that alone solidified my feeling of being appreciated inside of this community. Thank you Scipio for taking the time to support a stranger and make them feel like they are a part of something bigger.

I’m so glad that you managed to find these people. It seems like they are really helping you in a lot of ways.

They truly are. The joy of it is that they aren’t even doing anything special. They are simply treating me like a comrade and that alone has done wonders for my self esteem. This year has been among the most challenging in my entire life for a myriad of reasons and just having this community to be a part of has honestly saved my life. I don’t know where I would be without them, but I do know that I would be a lot worse off.

So to wrap things up here for today I want to challenge my readers to do two things. Firstly take a moment to appreciate the people in your life that make you happy. If you feel inclined to tell them how much you appreciate them that’s great. If you just take a moment to reflect on it that’s great too. Secondly, I want to challenge everyone to embrace the things that might embarrass you if you talked about it to your friends with more conservative interests. Embrace the wild things that you enjoy. Don’t let anyone take the joy that these things bring you away. Finally as a reminder to all of you, you are stronger than you think, you are beautiful, and by goodness you are worth it. Lets go into this week ready to kick some butt and join some fandoms.

#tokusatsu #inner child #friendship #fandom #Mental Health Awareness #depression #coping mechanism #watch party #appreciation post #Kamen Rider #Super Sentai

[artificialqueens]

Not Nineteen Forever (4) (Branjie/Scyvie)- Ortega

a/n: i am absolutely hanging out my arse so editing and re-reading this chapter made me feel vaguely ill. i’ll pass it off as method acting xo thank you so much for the continued love and support for this fic, the fact that each chapter so far has broken 100 notes makes me piss my pants with excitement (watch now i’ve jinkxed it and this one’ll get like 8). in this installment Scarlet finds it hard to believe that she isn’t Victoria Beckham.

Trigger Warnings: explicit drug use, alcohol. unaaay.

Summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree

***

Scarlet had to admit, she was enjoying the high life. As she sat up the back of the lecture theatre in the new fur coat she wasn’t planning on taking off anytime soon, blinking heavily with her £75 lash extensions, drumming her £50 acrylics against her notepad, she smiled to herself. This was definitely the kind of life she was suited to. Okay, she got a bit of a shock when the rent left her bank account, as well as her gas and electricity bills, but she still had a good amount there. Clenching her stomach, Scarlet thought about the number on her banking app. £3713.65. Slightly giddy, she pressed her lips together as she thought about it. How could she have spent over a thousand pounds in the space of two weeks? She thought through it in her mind. Rent, £550. Electricity, £30 split with Ra’Jah. Gas, £25, also split with Ra’Jah. But that only came to what…just under six hundred pounds? There was still so much unaccounted for. Scarlet thought about how much she’d paid for on nights out, the two shopping trips she’d been on since her scratchcard win, and the many, many Ubers she’d taken pretty much everywhere. It was time to reign the spending in.

It was crazy how much confidence it was giving her, though. Even on the group chat Scarlet felt self-assured enough to throw out barbs every so often, the girls all responding with keyboard smashes and capitalised laughter and giving her a boost of serotonin. It had even made her feel more confident around Yvie. Scarlet felt weird about the whole Yvie thing. Now that she’d realised she liked her, she didn’t really know what to do about it. She knew she would do something, she promised herself, as if she ended up in a situation like Vanjie’s she would scream. Scarlet cast a glance to the girl beside her, frantically typing notes into her laptop and listening intently. Bored, Scarlet took her fluffy-topped pen and wrote on her notepad, pushing it Vanjie’s way.

Lunch after this?

She watched as Vanjie looked down at her writing, looked back up, then nodded once. Scarlet smiled, glad that she had something to look forward to. It had been a while since she’d had a catchup with Vanjie, and part of her was excited to see if there had been any progress made between her and Brooke. Scarlet then realised it was a little selfish of her to think that way and, realising she hadn’t confided in anyone about her crush on Yvie yet, she decided she’d let Vanjie in on her secret.

When the lecture finished up they decided they would go for lunch at the Mexican place in town. It was a slightly longer walk than anywhere on campus but Vanjie was good company, chatting away happily about something funny her Mum had done back home and distracting Scarlet from the cold weather. They eventually reached the restaurant and got sat at a table, despite the fact Scarlet could have stood under the heaters that were blasting by the entrance forever. She watched as Vanjie shrugged her huge coat off then leant forward.

“So, how’s your lovely flatmate?” Vanjie asked, Scarlet letting out a snort and rolling her eyes.

“Our oven’s broken. She’s saying I broke it,” she explained, Vanessa tilting her head with intrigue.

“Why? What did you do?”

“I don’t know. Used it to cook food,” Scarlet said, her laugh giving away her monotone voice and causing Vanjie to giggle too. “It’s exhausting living with her! She just hates me for no reason! I swear she’s going to turn up by my bed in the middle of the night with a knife and her pillow to smother me with.”

“But then she’d have no-one to blame for the shit that goes wrong in the flat.”

“True. If I’m ever found murdered, though, you know who it was,” Scarlet raised her eyebrows knowingly, Vanessa having to stop herself from laughing as a waitress arrived at their table and took their drinks orders. Vanessa ordered a Corona and Scarlet almost joined her, then realised that beer on a lunch break when she still had a lecture in the afternoon was risky. She got a blood orange San Pellegrino instead. As the waitress walked away, Scarlet continued. “How’s Silky and Akeria? I’ve not seen them since last Saturday.”

“They’re good. Akeria’s stressing about Masters applications, even though I keep telling her every uni is gonna be fallin’ over themselves to accept her. Silk is fine. She’s always fine. I think she’s made peace with the fact she’s probably going to get a 2:2.”

“Nothing wrong with a 2:2,” Scarlet shrugged, even though she knew that if she was on course for a 2:2 she’d be crying as if her life was over.

“That’s true. Degree’s a degree. Still gon’ cry like a baby if I don’t get a 2:1 though,” Vanessa frowned, brightening up as the waitress returned and put their drinks in front of them.

“You will,” Scarlet said. It hadn’t been a lie- even though she only saw Vanessa working towards part of her PPE degree, she always seemed on the ball with lecture notes, got good grades in her essays, and you could never shut her up in tutorials. The other girl still narrowed her eyes at her as she took a drink.

“You have to say that, though. You’re my friend,” Vanessa said, Scarlet brightening up at the validation of her friendship. She’d never known if Vanessa had liked her at first, but over the years they’d eventually settled into being comfortable with each other. Vanessa sighed. “I worked out that if I want a 2:1 I need to get above 65% in everything until the end of the year.”

“That’s doable!” Scarlet insisted, pouring her can into the glass in front of her. She frowned and shook her head. “Anyway, let’s not worry any more about uni. How’s Brooke Lynn?”

Vanessa slid down in her seat and covered her face with the menu. “I don’t know, bitch, ask her.”

“You know what I mean! How are things going? Any progress?”

Vanessa screwed up her face. “I mean, I don’t know. Kind of? Maybe? It’s so hard to tell with that bitch.”

“What’s the maybe?”

“So last Monday we went for a drink after we went to the library. We were just talkin’ and somehow…I don’t even know how we got onto this topic…we started talkin’ about how we were…y'know, like in bed.”

Scarlet let out a screech. “OH my God. Amazing. How is that a maybe in any way?!”

“Nah, well, you know,” Vanessa smiled bashfully, fanning herself with the menu which neither of them had so much as glanced at. “It started to get deep and then I did my classic ha ha ha what a big joke this is I’m definitely not takin’ this serious in any way thing I always do with her. I think I made it awkward, ‘cuz I’ve not seen her since then. I mean we’ve talked on the chat but…yeah.”

Scarlet pouted, feeling sorry for her friend. “Oh, Vanj, no. It won’t be that at all. You know her and Plastique have got their portfolios due next week, she’ll just be busy!”

Vanessa bit her lip, then smiled slowly. “How about if I organise a lil somethin’ to take her mind off her work, then?”

Scarlet took a sip of her drink. “You’re going to turn up to her flat wearing nothing but a massive bow playing The Stripper through your phone speaker.”

As Vanessa howled, Scarlet realised a little too late that someone had come to take their order. She asked for five more minutes, neither of them having looked at the menu yet and having only used it as a prop for embarrassment.

“No, bitch,” Vanessa wheezed, finally getting her breath back. “Let’s see if we can get her to come out tonight.”

Scarlet felt her brows pulling together involuntarily. “On a Wednesday? She’ll be too responsible.”

Vanessa sighed and gave the menu a cursory glance. “Couldn’t we at least try? I just need to know if I’ve made things awkward so I can go about trying to fix them. Although how the fuck I’d do that, I don’t know.”

“I guess you could put it on the chat?” Scarlet shrugged.

Gleefully, Vanessa bounced about in her chair and grabbed her phone decisively, immediately typing. She put it back face-down on the table almost as quickly as she’d picked it up. “It’s sent. Although now we’re running the risk of everyone being free apart from Brooke Lynn, and if I’m honest I really don’t have the energy to go out otherwise.”

“We’re getting old,” Scarlet shrugged, her eyes scanning over tostadas, taquitos and empanadas without really being able to focus on any of them. “Do you remember the days when you could manage two nights out back to back?”

“I remember the days I could manage two nights out in one night,” Vanessa laughed, running a hand through her hair and exhaling. “Scarlet, why am I nervous? Tell me why I’m nervous.”

“Because you’ve just orchestrated a night out with our whole friendship group just so you can see one member of it. Instead of, you know. Asking her on a date,” Scarlet smiled teasingly, Vanessa laughing in self-depreciation. It occured to Scarlet that she still hadn’t told Vanessa about Yvie. “That reminds me-”

Just then she was cut off as the waitress appeared again at their table. Scarlet couldn’t bear to send her away again so she quickly ordered some fish tacos and some sort of cheesy beany quesadilla she had no idea the other ingredients of. Vanessa rapidly fired off an order for a pulled chicken burrito and pork taquitos which, Scarlet could glean from a quick glance at the menu, seemed to be served with radioactive levels of spice. As the waitress walked away, Scarlet frowned.

“Are those taquitos not really spicy?”

“Meh. I don’t mind spice. Worst case scenario I’ll have to install scaffolding round my ass for the next three days after I eat ‘em,” Vanessa shrugged and then leaned forward, hardly giving time for Scarlet to laugh at what she’d just said. “You said ‘that reminds me’ after we were talkin’ about dates, what’s up with that?”

“Oh uh, nothing,” Scarlet smiled shyly as she picked at a bit of dripped candle wax on the tabletop. “Just that I’m joining you in the crushing-on-my-best-friend club for the foreseeable future.”

Vanessa’s face lit up. “What is this?!”

Scarlet felt cheeks flush red as she said it. “I…think I have a crush on Yvie.”

Vanessa let out a quick screech of delight, drawing the gaze of a dining couple sitting at the opposite side of the room. Hushing herself, she leant close to Scarlet and continued. “Oh my God! Bitch! I love this. This is amazing. Aw, you’d be so cute together! I knew you were touchy with each other but I always thought that was just how your friendship was.”

“It is how our friendship is!” Scarlet protested, then put her head in her hands to cover her cheeks as she smiled. “I just…realised I like being touchy with her a little too much to be friendly.”

“Oh, I got it. You wanna be touchy with her in a different way,” Vanessa winked suggestively, Scarlet squealing in mortification and both the girls ending up howling with laughter. As the laughter died down, Vanessa smiled. “Well, welcome to the world of crushing on a friend, boo. It’s amazing, electric, and largely horrific. And painful. I’m not selling this well.”

“It sounds slightly sadomasochistic.”

“That’s actually what you get if you Google it,” Vanessa nodded faux-seriously, then put on a funny, posh-sounding voice. “If you liked getting shocked by a disused electrical socket twenty-five times in a row, perhaps you’d like: crushing on your best friend!”

Scarlet laughed, then shot a glance down at her phone as it sat face-down on the table. “I’m kinda hoping Yvie comes out tonight too now.”

“Ooh! We should check the chat,” Vanessa said, pouncing on her phone and her face dropping as she looked. Scarlet opened her own to see what had been said.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: me n Scarlet wanna go out tonight who’s down

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: BITCH ARE U CRAZY WE AINT FRESHERS ANY MORE

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: I GOTTA DATE WITH BRADLEY WALSH AND WHOEVER THE CHASER IS TODAY

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Girl we all know The Chase starts at 5pm you gotta think of a better excuse

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Sorry boo I’m out

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: BITCH BACK TO BACK EPS ON CHALLENGE TV FROM 7 THANK U NEXT

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Need to be at the library early if I wanna get that 1st

Kim Kardashian-West: Placement :((((((( sorry babyyy

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: I’ll see yall at pres though

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: I’m guessing they’re gonna be at ours

Okay Then: Sorry girls our portfolios are due in like 9 days

Okay Then: big celebrations after though!!

Dave the Laugh: i’d actually be down

Scarlet felt guilty as her heart gave a jump, Vanessa sitting dejectedly across from her. “Hey, chin up! She’s not replied yet.”

“If Plastique is sayin’ no, she’ll be a no too,” she jerked her mouth to the side in a pained attempt at a smile. “Your girl’s down though, that’s good!”

“Stop. She’s not my girl.”

“Yet,” Vanessa smiled, a glint of disappointment still present in her eyes. Just then, Scarlet’s phone lit up in her hand.

mose: I’m going to follow the tradition of my entire university career making poor life choices and say yeah I’d be up for a night out

Scarlet looked with anticipation across to Vanessa, whose eyes were wide with excitement. She didn’t seem to know that she had a beaming smile on her face, and Scarlet couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, happy for the girl opposite her. “See? Good news!”

“Oh my God. It’s gonna be me, you, Yvie and Brooke Lynn. Fuckin’ double date night out,” Vanessa’s eyes scrunched up as she laughed happily. Scarlet felt her pulse start racing, nerves taking hold of her already. She was excited, though, for some time with Yvie in a slightly smaller setting. She hadn’t grabbed a coffee or done anything with just her in a while, and even though this wasn’t the ideal setting, it was still an opportunity. Vanessa was back typing quickly into her phone, and Scarlet watched the group chat progress.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: yall suck apart from Yvie and BrookeLynn

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: come to mine for 9 then bitches! Xoxoxoxo

Mose: See ya then boo

Scarlet turned over her phone and raised an eyebrow at Vanessa. “You’re her boo.”

“Yeah fuck y’all bitches, I’m Brooke Lynn’s lil’ ghost,” she smiled and gave her hands a quick clap together in excitement, Scarlet spluttering a laugh at her friend’s adorable reaction. Just then, their food arrived and got placed down in front of them.

“Oh hey, can I grab another Corona?” Vanessa asked, holding up her empty one. The waitress took it and nodded, and Vanessa gave Scarlet a guilty look. “I should really head to the library after this but I’mma go back home and nap, then spend the next four hours gettin’ ready. Fuck, I don’t even know how I’m gonna afford goin’ out tonight.”

Scarlet took a bite of a taco, then thought. Lunch was only going to come to about forty-ish pounds altogether, and really, what was that out of her winnings? She swallowed, looked to Vanessa, and smiled.  

“Hey. I’ll get us lunch,” she shrugged, shifting a little in her seat as Vanessa blinked at her.

“Serious? No, Scarlet, I can’t let you do that.”

“Honestly! My loan came in early,” she said, looking down at her plate as she lied. “Think of it as a celebratory, double-date-crush-night-out-whatever-the-fuck-this-is treat. And you can buy me a drink or something when we go out, call it even.”

As a waiter came by and placed another bottle in front of Vanessa, she gave a smile and raised it. “To coming out on the other side of tonight with girlfriends?”

Scarlet smiled as she clinked her glass against Vanessa’s beer. “Let’s not push it.”

The rest of her lunch with Vanessa passed by comfortably, Scarlet paying the bill when they were finished without a second thought and the girls saying goodbye with a hug and an excited squeal in anticipation of later on. Part of Scarlet wanted to head straight to the shops to look for something new to wear but she stopped herself, instead getting in an Uber and going back to the flat, the prospect of her returning to campus for her 3pm lecture growing thin. Turning the keys in her front door, she sighed when she heard loud music coming from Ra’Jah’s room. Scarlet had hoped she’d be out by now. Walking through to the living room to dump her shoes, coat and bag, she paused when she saw something on the messy, cluttered coffee table that she was sure hadn’t been there before.

It was a tiny, clear, plastic ziploc bag filled full of a white powder. Scarlet frowned as she picked it up, transferring the bag between her fingers and watching as the powder inside crumbled and broke up, the same sort of consistency as flour although slightly looser and whiter. The realisation of what she was holding suddenly hit her like a bus, nearly making her drop the bag. She stood silent for a couple of minutes, completely unsure of what to do. Then she heard the music in Ra’Jah’s room get turned up and that seemed to make her decision for her.

Storming back through into the hallway, Scarlet banged on her flatmate’s door. “Ra’Jah!”

The music got cut off and there was an eerie buzz of silence in the flat. The door in front of Scarlet swung open to reveal her flatmate, her face unimpressed. “Yes?”

Scarlet held up the bag, hoping it would elicit some emotion out of the other girl. It did not. “Can you not leave that shit lying around our flat?”

Ra’Jah smiled in amusement, showing a set of slightly uneven teeth. Scarlet felt her top lip curl up in a sneer. Ra'Jah wasn’t able to pull them off, not like Yvie with the cute gap she had between her front teeth. Fuck, was she really thinking of Yvie right now? Ra’Jah leant on the doorframe cockily. “What, a girl ain’t never seen cocaine before?”

“Of course I’ve seen it,” Scarlet lied, gripping the bag tight between her fingers. “I just don’t want the flat looking like a fucking crack den. I mean it’s not a potted plant, Ra’Jah, it’s a fucking class A drug. It’s not decorative.”

“Class A, ooh,” Ra’Jah mimicked mockingly, irritation washing over Scarlet. “Don’t shit yourself, bitch, it’s fine. I only put it down for, like, two seconds anyway. Just give it and I’ll put it somewhere safe.”

Scarlet went to pass it back to her, but something held her back. She looked at the powder again and a flash of thoughts flew through her head, of skinny, glamorous models and nightclub toilets and champagne. It was an illegal drug, and everything Scarlet had been brought up to believe told her it was fucking disgusting, and dangerous, and led to a spiral of addiction and debt. But still part of her was so insatiably curious, like she was addicted without even having tried it yet. She watched Ra’Jah’s expression change as Scarlet curled her fingers back. “Where’d you get it?”

“What is this, twenty fuckin’ questions?” her flatmate snapped back, rolling her eyes. “Just give me my narcotics, bitch.”

“Can I, um. I’ll buy it off you?” Scarlet stumbled out, causing Ra’Jah to look at her in disbelief.

“You want to buy cocaine?” she raised an eyebrow at her, speaking through a slight laugh. Scarlet’s hackles were up.

“Or give me the number of your dealer.”

Ra’Jah let out a small snort, shrugging her shoulders. “Ain’t any need to involve anyone else. Alright, that’s a gram. Give me sixty and it’s a deal.”

Scarlet felt her eyes widen involuntarily, Ra’Jah chuckling in response. “Girl, what did you think it was gonna be? Naomi Campbell snorts this shit for a reason, people use rolled up hundred dollar bills to snort this shit for a reason. It ain’t fuckin’ Cabbage Patch kids weed we talkin’ ‘bout here.”

Scarlet frowned and took out her phone, opening up her banking app. Just before she transferred the money, she looked at her flatmate suspiciously. Ra’Jah rolled her eyes.

“Look, I’m not taking you for a ride. I got it for fifty, a bitch wants to make a profit. Sixty is standard in some places. Others you’d be talkin’ seventy. Google it if you don’t believe me.”

“No, I believe you,” Scarlet simply said, hitting a button and just like that, sixty pounds flew out of her account. A nervous heartbeat felt entirely too fast and too loud in her body. Another hundred pounds gone.

“Thanks, bitch. This was great fun, maybe I’ll drop out and become a dealer,” Ra’Jah laughed, Scarlet saying nothing in reply as the door swung shut in her face. The bag seemed to make her right hand tingle, and a surge of nervous excitement shot through Scarlet like propane.

She got ready for the night ahead in a sort of daze, as the panic and the gravity of what she’d actually done began to sink in. She’d just bought a gram of cocaine for a night out. What the hell was she planning on doing with it? There was no way she’d be able to actually do any. Or was there? That was what Scarlet had always said about weed and now her and Yvie got high together all the time. Her pulse thrummed at her wrists when she thought about the other girl. Scarlet imagined bringing the small bag out in a toilet cubicle with her, watching her eyes grow wide, imagined her thinking holy shit, I never knew Scarlet was this type of girl at all. Imagined them both cutting it up with Scarlet’s bank card and snorting it, then hitting their high on the dancefloor, turning to her and letting Yvie lean in and kiss her in a haze of euphoria and lust.

Scarlet felt a throb of heat pulse between her legs, her doubts gone. This was a good decision.

Scarlet showed up to Vanessa’s flat only running a tiny bit late, ready with a bottle of vodka the size of her head and a couple of mixers in case any of the girls wanted to share. She got buzzed in quickly and was welcomed into the flat by Akeria who was looking a far cry from her usually-glamorous self, her hair piled on top of her head in a towel and a pair of pink flannel pyjamas on. Scarlet was shown through to their kitchen where she found Vanessa, Brooke and Yvie all sitting on the sofa or on chairs beside Silky who was also in her pyjamas and, just as she’d promised on the chat, was watching The Chase. The girls gave a small cry of delight as Scarlet walked in, Scarlet not missing the way Vanessa was sat on Brooke Lynn’s lap. Part of her prickled with jealousy, wishing that her and Yvie were in their place, but she didn’t mind too much. She was happy for Vanessa. Scarlet grabbed a glass, took a chair to sit in, and began pouring a drink as the girls continued to watch the TV.

“Low offer of minus four thousand pounds, high offer, please?”

“Fifty-one thousand pounds.”

“We’re watching The Chase,” Vanessa explained to Scarlet.

“I gathered.”

“If he takes the minus offer, I’m gonna reach through the TV and stab him,” Brooke said seriously, her face displeased.

“Nah, he’s gonna stick in the middle. I trust Nigel, 52, from Stockport,” Yvie drawled, taking a sip of her drink then smiling at Scarlet from her position on the chair beside her, reaching across and squeezing her hand. “Hey, girl, how are you?”

“I’m good, thanks,” she smiled shyly, giving Yvie’s hand a small squeeze back and admiring her crushed-velvet red dress. “You look good.”

Yvie momentarily looked as if she was about to say something cute in response when her eyes were suddenly ripped from Scarlet’s and back to the screen as the girls groaned loudly.

“He’s a fucking TRAITOR,” Silky yelled, launching a cushion at the TV. “Sheila brought back forty-five thousand for this asshole to take from it? NO MA’AM!”

“Well this is the most lit pres I’ve ever been to,” Scarlet deadpanned.

“I hate this motherfuckin’ game show. Silk, turn this shit off,” Vanessa rolled her eyes, her flatmate loudly complaining.

“It’s my fuckin’ flat too, hoe!”

“Yeah, some of us actually have to do work tomorrow,” Akeria piped up from her position at the oven, checking on whatever she’d put inside. “How come you’re out tonight anyway?”

Scarlet caught Vanessa’s eye and she just stopped herself from smiling. “Oh, you know. Sometimes you just fancy going out.”

“It’s called being spontaneous, Kiki. You should try it,” Brooke joined in as she brought both hands up around Vanessa’s waist, the other girl giving a happy sigh and Scarlet staring at them, jealousy burning under her skin. As the other girls bickered, Yvie turned to face her again.

“Hey. You alright?” she asked, concern etched on her face and making Scarlet’s heart swell up.

“No, yeah, I’m good!” she smiled, blinking and trying not to come out with the truth of I’m insanely jealous of how close and cuddly Brooke and Vanessa are being right now and I wish Silky would get up off the sofa so we can join them. Satisfied with her answer, Yvie smiled.

“That’s good. No sad allowed at pres,” she joked, then tapped her gently on the nose. “Also you’re not allowed to be upset, you’re, like, my favourite person. Don’t tell the others.”

Scarlet felt something akin to a tidal wave flood over her whole body. Boosted, she gave Yvie a small wink. “I won’t. I promise.”

Something behind Yvie’s eyes seemed taken-aback, but not in a negative way. Almost as if she hadn’t expected Scarlet to come back with something so flirty so quickly, and Scarlet had to hide her smile behind her hand when she saw Yvie’s cheeks turn slightly pink.

Two hours later, all of Scarlet’s vodka had been drank and the four girls had managed to navigate a drunk Uber ride and entry into one of the fanciest clubs in the city. Usually none of them would have been able to afford the entry fee, but Scarlet had paid the ten pounds for each of them without batting an eyelid. She probably should have cared, but Scarlet had hit that stage where the alcohol had her convinced that life was wonderful, she was invincible, and she would be young and rich forever. She laughed as she cast her eye around the small circle the girls had formed on the dancefloor. Vanessa was dancing, frankly, like a stripper, and Brooke seemed to be living for it, her hands on the other girl’s waist protectively. Yvie was bouncing and flailing about, completely intoxicated, and yelling along to whatever song was playing- Scarlet didn’t know it, but she didn’t really need to. Turning to Yvie, she grabbed her hands and laughed. Yvie looked at her curiously.

“You look like those things…those car lot things…they go like this in the wind,” Scarlet explained, suddenly demonstrating to Yvie and throwing her hands in the air. Yvie buckled over with laughter, her hands on her knees, and Scarlet was so pleased she’d made her laugh.

“Bitch you started doing the floss to Miami 2 Ibiza, shut the fuck up,” Yvie snorted, Scarlet howling beside her. Casting her eye again to Brooke and Vanjie, an idea planted itself in Scarlet’s head.

“Yvie, watch me dance like Vanessa,” she commanded, suddenly feeling emboldened enough to throw her arms around Yvie’s neck and push her body up against hers. She ran her hands through the other girl’s hair messily, Yvie’s eyes half-lidded as she laughed gently at her.

“Girl…messing up my hair,” she muttered, Scarlet smiling back brazenly.

“It was messed up when you did it,” she smiled cheekily, tapping Yvie on the nose like she’d done to her earlier. Without giving her a chance to respond, Scarlet dropped down onto the floor in a move she hoped would make her look irresistible. Instead, she toppled over and ended up flat on her back against the sticky floor, the crowd parting around her like the Red Sea. She looked up to see Yvie laughing hysterically, holding both her hands out to her. Scarlet took them gratefully and she was pulled up, beside Yvie again only this time with just a fraction of the confidence. Yvie must have seen her pouting as Scarlet felt her strong arms being wrapped around her in a hug.

“Aw baby, I like your dancing the way it is,” she slurred into her ear, a tingle shooting down Scarlet’s spine at the proximity of Yvie’s lips to her skin. Scarlet was about to do something, say something, when she suddenly felt herself being wrenched away from Yvie and dancing beside Vanessa, who was gripping her arm. Scarlet was confused until Vanessa leaned in close to her and yelled above the music.

“I got an idea,” she said, her voice thick with alcohol. “Gonna make them both jealous.”

Scarlet’s eyes widened, an electric shock running through her veins as Vanessa pulled her close, then tilted her head up and kissed her. There was little to no hesitation and Scarlet felt herself kissing back, feeling the eyes of the other girls on them both. Vanessa kissed as if she’d known Scarlet’s lips her whole life, hot and passionate, and it briefly ran through Scarlet’s mind that Vanessa probably had a certain Canadian blonde on her mind as she was doing it. She desperately wanted to open her eyes, to look over to Yvie to see if she even cared. Show over, Vanessa pulled away, beaming and laughing, and Scarlet felt herself laugh back. In her drunk state, the situation was funny- the pair of them getting with each other to try to make their two other friends jealous. It appeared to have worked, certainly in Scarlet’s case, as Yvie took her hand and pulled her back, an odd sort of smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She shouted over the music at Scarlet, something that she couldn’t quite hear.

“What?”

Yvie raised her voice a little more. “I didn’t know you liked Vanessa like that!”

Scarlet laughed. “I don’t!”

Yvie gave her a funny look, a multitude of questions no doubt running around her head. Scarlet felt her confidence peak and she leaned in close to Yvie’s ear, Yvie’s arms snaking round her waist instinctively. “You jealous, girl?”

She felt Yvie’s body shake in a laugh Scarlet could tell was affected. “No…bitch.”

Scarlet leant her head on her shoulder and spoke against her neck. “Hey, 'f you’re lucky it might be you next time.”

She pressed a tiny kiss against Yvie’s skin and pulled away laughing, Yvie looking momentarily shaken then joining in with Scarlet’s laughter. Scarlet ran her tongue over her teeth. Fucking yes. Suddenly, she remembered the tiny bag she had in her bra. She caught the attention of the other girls and shouted over the music again. “Guys. Come pee with me.”

She began to make her way through the crowd to the toilets, hearing Vanessa and Yvie laugh at Brooke singing a parody of Come Fly With Me but replacing the word “fly” with “pee”. They eventually all managed to cram into a cubicle together, Scarlet counting her blessings that there was no toilet attendant on duty who would almost definitely have bundled them all out. The girls looked shocked as Scarlet turned around from locking the door and produced the bag from her bra.

“Is anyone down?” she asked lightly, Brooke letting out a nervous laugh beside her. Vanessa flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“What the fuck is that,” Yvie asked, her face set in a hesitant, concerned smile. Scarlet shrugged.

“It’s exactly what it looks like.”

Vanessa spoke first with a blase shrug. “Yeah, bitch, let’s do it.”

Scarlet smiled happily, part of her quite surprised at how readily Vanessa agreed to the whole thing. Her eyes darted to Yvie, who was still looking at the bag cautiously. Obviously noticing her eyes on her, Yvie gave her a look that Scarlet couldn’t quite decipher, then screwed her face up. “So this is a thing we all do now?”

Vanessa narrowed her eyes at her. “Aw Jesus, Yvie, it’s one key in a club on a night out, we’re not all about to turn into fuckin’ junkies.”

Scarlet’s confidence had been given a knock. She hesitantly caught Yvie’s eye. “I mean, you don’t have to, I just thought-”

“No, girl, I’ll do some. ’M not a fucking pussy,” she frowned, taking a breath that seemed to be shaky and turning to Brooke, who was still looking with wide eyes at Scarlet. “Brooke, you doing this?”

It occurred to Scarlet that this was the first time she’d ever seen Brooke look anything other than completely sure of herself. She was laughing awkwardly, almost nervously. Scarlet watched as Vanessa put a gentle hand on her arm. “You don’t have to, baby.”

“No, well, y'know me. Try anything once,” she slurred, leaning into Vanessa’s touch. “Okay, fuck, let’s do this shit.”

Scarlet moved to empty the bag out onto the toilet cistern, but Vanessa put out a hand to stop her. “Woah, girl, the fuck you doin’? Just take a key, ain’t no need for all that fuckin’ credit card shit.”

Scarlet frowned at her, confused in her drunken state. “Keys?”

Vanessa seemed to shrink back into herself as she saw all three girls looking at her intently, wondering how she knew so much about the process. Wordlessly, she gestured for the baggie and produced her keys from her gold clutch bag. She calmly opened the small plastic bag and fished into it with a single key, balancing some of the powder on the length of it. With a short glance up at the girls, she pressed a finger to one nostril and gave a quick, harsh sniff with the other. As quickly as it had appeared, the cocaine was gone. Vanessa rubbed quickly at her nose, sniffing awkwardly.

“Alright, who’s next?” she questioned. Scarlet could feel Yvie’s eyes on her.

“Well since Scarlet brought it, she should go next,” she said, something off to her tone and her stare that Scarlet couldn’t quite pinpoint. Scarlet shrugged stiffly, Vanessa reaching back into the bag with the key and holding some out for her. The butterflies in her stomach almost overwhelming, Scarlet leaned forward and mimicked what Vanessa had done. The first thing that she felt was the all-encompassing smell of petrol, followed by a horrific stinging at the back of her nose and mouth, Scarlet briefly being reminded of jumping into swimming pools when she was little and water shooting up her nose. She gave a cough and a big, follow-up sniff, Vanessa chuckling lightly.

Well, that just happened.

Nervously thrilled, Scarlet felt the butterflies in her stomach dissipate as she watched Vanessa hold a key out to Yvie. Yvie frowned and shook her head.

“Nah. Changed my mind. I’m out,” she said darkly, shooting Scarlet a glare that made her feel like a reprimanded child.

“Come on, Yvie, it’s fine,” Scarlet offered, the other girl scrunching up her face.

“No. It’s not happening. You guys have fun.”

Scarlet felt dejected. She wished she knew what she’d done wrong. Trying to push her feelings aside, Scarlet watched as Vanessa turned the key to Brooke. Brooke was looking from the key to the lock of the toilet stall, nervous. Vanessa reached up and touched a lock of her hair.

“You don’t have to, Brooky.”

“No, I will, I will. I’m just nervous. And excited,” she stammered out, Scarlet thinking she couldn’t have judged the girls’ reaction to this entire situation less accurately if she’d tried.

“You can rub it on your gums if you don’t wanna snort it,” Vanessa explained, part of Scarlet wishing she’d told her that before her turn. Brooke tilted her head, considering, then wet her finger, reached into the bag and took some. Then she put her finger back in her mouth and maneuvered it around, her eyes on Vanessa.

“You tryna flirt, boo?” the other girl questioned, her eyes half-lidded as she locked eyes with her.

Brooke let out a laugh. “Bitch I’m trying to take fucking drugs!”

Vanessa, Brooke and Scarlet burst out laughing, Yvie shushing them.

“Right, let’s go, junkies,” she said irritably. Scarlet frowned, sad that she seemed to have upset Yvie in some way. An idea came to her as they left the cubicle and wandered past the judgemental line of waiting girls.

“I’m gonna get us a bottle of champagne,” Scarlet decided, sure for a second that she saw Yvie roll her eyes, but she wasn’t too sure.

“Vanjie, does it look obvious we’ve been doing drugs?” Scarlet heard Brooke yell over the music, Vanessa laughing gently.

“Everyone here is on drugs, baby. Just chill. It’ll kick in in a minute,” she winked, taking both of Brooke’s hands and jumping a little on the dancefloor.

Scarlet watched as Brooke’s eyes darted to a security camera on the ceiling. “Guys. They can see us. They know.”

“Brooke, relax, nobody gives a shit,” Yvie rolled her eyes. Brooke turned to Scarlet, panic filling her eyes.

“Scarlet, what was in that? Is it all okay, yeah? It’s not got anything through it?”

“Oh, good. Well done, bitch, are you seeing this?” Yvie glared at Scarlet before she had a chance to reply to Brooke. “Brooke! It’s fine! You’re okay!”

The music seemed as if it had been turned up louder. Scarlet scrunched her eyes closed. “Brooke, it’s fine, okay? I’m going to the bar, who wants something?”

“Ugh, of course you are,” she thought she heard Yvie mutter. Suddenly irritated, Scarlet whipped around to face her.

“And what is that meant to mean, huh?” she snapped, Yvie’s eyes widening a little at being challenged.

“You, bitch! What the fuck is up with you these days?”

“Nothing’s up with me? What is this?!” Scarlet cried, a couple of heads turning their way then slowly turning back. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest as if she’d just drank fifty Red Bulls back to back, although she was unable to tell if this was the effect of the drugs or just how annoyed she was.

“Something’s off with you. Fucking…cocaine, champagne, this constant…buying everything for everyone like we’re all charity cases, behaving like you’re a fucking extra off Gossip Girl? This isn’t you, Scarlet!” Yvie yelled back, suddenly grasping her by the wrists and giving her a shake. “The normal Scarlet would have shit herself at the thought of doing a key, the normal Scarlet would want to go to Levels and pay a pound for entry instead of going here to dance around with a bunch of fucking Love Island rejects!”

Yvie’s words stung harshly at Scarlet’s heart. She knew the other girl could sometimes grow argumentative when she was drunk, but Scarlet had never had it directed at her. It wasn’t nice. Scarlet felt her tone switch a little as she spoke. “Yvie, you’re being kind of a dick.”

Yvie gave a laugh of disbelief. “Well breaking fucking news, Scarlet! So are you! I mean do you have any idea how shitty it is to see your best friend grow into a total asshole over the space of two weeks?”

“Guys,” Vanessa suddenly interrupted out of nowhere, and Scarlet had no idea how long they’d been fighting or at what volume. “Me and Brooke are gonna go. She’s not doing well.”

Yvie looked at Vanessa, panicked. She cast Scarlet one last withering look before dashing through the crowd, presumably to pick up their jackets. Scarlet felt a bubble of upset prick at her throat. She turned to Vanessa instead. “What’s happened?”

“She thinks she’s having a heart attack. I mean, she’s not, it’s just the drugs, but I’m still worried about her,” she frowned, biting her lip. Vanessa jerked a thumb back to where Yvie had slinked off. “The fuck was that all about?”

Scarlet shook her head silently, not trusting herself to speak unless she began to cry. She didn’t understand how she’d managed to fuck everything up so badly. Vanessa saw her upset and pulled her in for a quick hug.

“Baby. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

The four of them got their coats and joined the taxi queue in a blur. Yvie wouldn’t even look her way, and Scarlet didn’t trust herself to try to speak to her in case she managed to make things even worse. She seemed more concerned about Brooke anyway, who was chattering away, her teeth clicking together in the cold night air.

“Is the taxi driver going to know? Will he just drive us to the police station and hand us in? Do you think he’ll phone the police? What if the police were to just come here right now and say they’re giving random drug tests to everyone in the line? What if-”

“Oh my God, what if you shut the fuck up?” Yvie snapped, Brooke looking taken-aback. Vanessa wrapped her arms around Brooke’s waist protectively.

“Brooky. It’s alright. The police aren’t coming, the taxi driver isn’t gonna turn us in. We’re going back to your flat and we’ll get you into bed safe. You’ve got us, nothing’s gonna happen to you.”

Brooke let out a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a sob. She buried her face in Vanessa’s hair. “I love you, V’nessa.”

Scarlet saw something shut down behind Vanessa’s eyes as she squeezed Brooke tightly. “I love you too, baby.”

Scarlet couldn’t stop herself from casting her eyes across to Yvie, selfishly longing. If she hadn’t fucked everything up, maybe something could have happened. Now, though, it looked as if she’d have to piece their friendship back together, never mind anything more.

The line moved up, and they found themselves at the front. Brooke and Vanessa spilled in, then Yvie. Scarlet went to join them when she found the door getting pulled across in her face. Yvie scowled at her. “No. You’re not getting in with us. I don’t even want to speak to you right now.”

Scarlet could hear Vanessa protesting. “Yvie, for fuck’s sake-”

“You’re not coming with us, bitch. Make your own damn way home,” she reiterated, slamming the door shut.

As the taxi sped away, Scarlet couldn’t fix the slack-jawed look of complete hurt she could feel on her face. As the reality of what had just happened sank in, she felt her face crumple like a paper bag as she began to cry, stood on her own at the taxi rank in the small hours of the morning, and all she could do was wait.

#rpdr fanfiction #tw drug and alcohol use

[joeys-piano]

Do you wish you were more popular? I love what you do and I'm glad that people are getting introduced to your music and stuff, but it makes me sad that you're not recognized by more people. You have so much talent and creativity; it's a huge disservice that you don't get enough love.

TL;DR: Having experienced the extreme end of what it felt like to be “popular”, I wouldn’t wish experiencing that again on myself. I’m content with where I am. I wouldn’t have met the people I consider my friends if I remained as who I was, and I would’ve been a very different person.

This may surprise you, Anon, but I’m pretty chill with how things are.

Would most content creators want more engagement with their audience and to know that their work is being reblogged/shared/introduced to more people? Yeah. That’s a valid thought and concern for most content creators. Whether they be writers, artists, musicians, cosplayers, gif-makers, content editors, comedians, vloggers, and the whole shabang of people that identify as content creators. It’s almost natural or second-nature to figure out ways to engage with your audience and how your audience can engage back with you.

From a general content creator perspective, audience engagement can give you a relative trend on what’s interesting to them and how you can work out something that makes you both satisfied with what’s happening.

By that informal definition, you’re probably wondering why I wouldn’t want more of that. As you stated, Anon, you made a quasi-factual yet legitimate statement in implying that “not many people” know who I am or interact with what I do. I can understand your concerns, and I can guess that it frustrates you. But here’s another way to look at the lack of activity or audience participation, so to speak.

It’s easy to gauge a number and compare it as higher or lower from a preconceived value that you think is acceptable or satisfactory. The interesting thing is that the preconceived value in everyone’s head is uniquely different no matter who you ask. What’s high and amazing to one person might be below satisfactory for another. Adding to this, in looking at audience participation as a number and regarding it as such, it strips away the human factor.

I don’t know about you but when I think of the number 30, I think of it being a middle of the road kind of number. When I think of 30 people, I’m both honored and amazed that these 30 people took the time to listen or read what I created and are showing their support in a way that feels comfortable to them. Because you know, time is the one thing we can never get back and yet, these 30 people gave me their time. That, alone, is very valuable and is another way of showing support. Heck, a reasonable thought is that more than 30 people gave me their time. Although it’s not visibly shown in a reblog, comment, or like, that doesn’t invalidate or lessen how valuable that support is. At least to me.

I don’t wish I was more popular because where I am now is relatively comfortable for me to maintain and it doesn’t tax as heavily in terms of energy and personal, recovery time.

Three years ago in the Yuri!!! On Ice fandom, I got my fair taste and dessert of what it felt like to be popular. I was 16, riddled with anxiety, gradually succumbing to another identity crisis, and it felt like the entire world was watching everything I did. Because of a really good person I was friendly with, my fan compositions exploded. Overnight, I’d get between 1500 to 3000 notes per audio post whenever a new YOI episode came out. There would be 50 to 75 new followers each week. Sometimes 100+ on some weeks. If it took me 2 years to get 1900 followers on this blog, it took me 3 months to get to the same number during the 2016 YOI extravaganza.

Crazy is an understatement to describe what the Hell even happened. Because everywhere I turned, people knew who I was, they knew what I did, and did everything they could so that they knew that I knew that they supported me. Was that awesome? It was. Dopamine and serotonin flooded my body every morning I checked my activity page and it would take me an hour or even two hours just to read everyone’s tags and comments and support and whatnot. My poor phone would glitch on me and my internet browser would crash because there was so much engagement and activity.

You would think that’s a good thing and it probably was a good thing but for me, it was mentally and emotionally overwhelming. Because like I said, I was riddled with anxiety and succumbing to another identity crisis. I used these numbers to cope and when numbers are used to cope, that’s a very dangerous position to be in. Because in the February of 2017, I crashed and wiped every trace of myself off the face of the planet and just disappeared. It was just easier that way. Because even though I knew people supported me and I appreciated that, I couldn’t handle the sheer volume of it in such a short amount of time.

It broke me.

Having experienced the extreme end of it, I’m very content with where I am now. I’m very content that I can manage things at my own pace, I have time to build more meaningful connections with people and actually get to know them, and I’m happier because not that many things are tying me down. I know I’m older and you could argue that I could handle the bigger audience better now than when I was younger, but I’m not taking my chances. I know what it felt like and know what it did to me, and I much rather prefer having a quieter place.

#2016 was a very strange year #many believed it was a blessing in disguise #for me it felt like a demon that haunted me but i didn't realize i was possessed yet

[lafiyahenry]

I broke up with Grey’s Anatomy...

Hi, my name is Lafiya and I love binge watching TV Series. 

Around June I decided that I wanted to start Grey’s Anatomy. If I complete Grey’s it would be the longest show that I have ever binge watched. The longest series I’ve ever completed to date is all 10 seasons of Friends (one of my fave shows ever) and 7 seasons of USA’s Suits -but Grey’s Anatomy trumps them both at a whopping 15 seasons! I decided to take on the challenge. Do not get me wrong, I love this show! I love the show so much that me loving the show is the problem. That’s why I’m breaking up with it. 

Recently I went on a three week trip with a group of people. We went to the United States and visited more than 3 States in our time there. We spent a lot of time moving around and taking planes and trains, it felt like we were always on the go. Being away from home for that long and being as awfully busy as we were, I scarcely realized when I started breaking my morning habits. Usually when I wake up, I would do devotions or meditate or write in my journal and I started doing just that until I didn’t have time to anymore. I paid no mind to it. The only thing that I was doing religiously is watching episodes of Grey’s every night before I went to bed. I know you may think that these two things have no correlation but just stick with me. 

I flew back into Trinidad on the 24th of August and honestly I hadn’t been feeling my best. I blamed it on exhaustion and tiredness from the trip. I just couldn’t wait to sleep in my own bed. Imagine my surprise when over a week later, even though I slept ridiculous amounts, the shitty feeling that I had, followed me home! Let me tell you, I’m not boasting or anything but my life is really good right now. I recently won a $15,000 scholarship to go to a University in Tennessee. I am in the third year of my degree (one more to go!), I am employed, I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me like the Princess I am and my 21st birthday is also in less than a month. I have way more blessings than I have problems at the moment but yet still every morning I woke up and my spirit felt so heavy. So, I did the only thing that was comforting to me... watch Grey’s Anatomy in bed and feel shitty. 

As can be expected,I didn’t feel better. I love Grey’s Anatomy but it’s some of the most depressing shit I’ve ever bared witness to. I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t meditating but I slowly started journaling, just to make sense of what I was feeling. I blamed other things for my bad mood. I told myself I just needed more attention to feel better. I started my workout regimen again in hopes to get some serotonin flowing but they were all temporary fixes because I came home, opened my laptop & started binging Grey’s again. A never ending sob story. Let me just say at this moment that if you know something is bad for you then just stop indulging in it no matter how much you may love it. 

So, as you can probably tell by now, Grey’s Anatomy had a big emotional impact on me and how I was feeling. I was shocked when I finally put two and two together because a TV Show had never affected me to this extent before.

Safe to say, when I wasn’t binging Grey’s Anatomy and crying every other night about some other character that Shonda Rhimes made up, I felt slightly better. A large chunk of me still misses the show and one day I will be back to the emotional stability that I need to finish the series but until then, I’ll be dreaming about Meredith Grey &  Derek Shepherd. 

#blogger #greys anatomy #derek shepherd #meredith grey #shonda rhimes #shondaland #binging

[sustainablestandup]

Emotional eating in the lead up to the climate zombie apocalypse

Berlin is still in a heatwave and it is uncomfortably humid and hot.  I have just started reading the bleak yet important ‘The Uninhabitable Earth’ by David Wallace-Wells.  And this morning I weighed in at 66.5 kg, whereas five months ago, I had made it to just below 60 kg.

After weighing in this morning, I went to my favourite Taiwanese restaurant around the corner and ate a big portion of their tasty brunch.  I took Wallace-Wells’ book with me and the serotonin from the food seemed to counter-act the increasing overwhelm from the book.  And then I went onto Facebook and started looking at what was happening in Hong Kong.  And I hit a new emotional wall.  I watched the protests in HK, with the frightening, escalating violence from the police.  Back in 1993, I did a semester abroad in HK, and I went back in 1997 for the handover, and I was there twice as part of my Using Improv to Save the World (and me) trip.  I know and love the place, and have people there whom I deeply care about.  It is so difficult to watch a thoughtful, peaceful protest over specific basic freedoms, which at this point has lasted over 50 days, be met with increasing violence.  Love can’t conquer fear if the lovers are dead.

I feel that the protests in Puerto Rico, HK, and from Extinction Rebellion are all connected, and are showing the rest of us that we need to fight, now, all of us, for the dissolution of the current structures of power, and for the creation of deeply compassionate institutions and systems which honour human dignity, diversity, and which create regenerative relationships with our Earth on a local and global scale.  And we need to do that this year.

I am watching all of this from my apartment which has no air conditioning and one fan which I have going constantly and at almost full tilt.  My apartment is even hotter than ‘normal’ because last week, in my kitchen, the construction guys installed a big moisture-extraction machine to dry out my ceiling and wall before they fix the leak which makes it rain in my kitchen over the electrical wires of my ceiling lamp every time my upstairs neighbours take a shower.  The neighbours are now showering at mine, yet that machine is pumping out a crazy amount of heat in this heatwave and still miraculously finding water in the walls.

All of this is swirling around, and then I read a line that broke me.  Someone reposted a tweet from Franny Armstrong, “This summer will most likely be the coolest or one of the coolest for the next 100 years.”  And she is fucking right.  We will miss what this heat feels like because it will feel like a cakewalk by comparison to what is coming.

Having hit my wall, it was time for yoga.  I needed to do something that felt healing and would help my stressed body and mind to relax.  On my way to yoga, I passed a man walking his huge, furry Leonberger dog who was panting like crazy, and I thought that neither the dog nor I are built for this heat.  Recent research at Stanford shows that the suicide rate increases as we encounter spikes in heat, and I get it.

Walking and then getting on the metro to yoga, I felt like I was in the pitch black cave that I talk to my comedy students about.  The one where we have to sit reverently in, and wait for the light that only we can see to appear.  So we can share that light, that unique insight, that better way of holding a piece of information, with the world instead of sharing our pain.  

What I had forgotten about was that when we sit in the cave, it is not just reverent attentiveness that we are feeling.  I was ‘on fire sad’.  The expression is usually ‘on fire angry’, but the unprecedented heat plus humidity left me feeling sad, not angry.  I am reluctant to let myself feel anger as I have seen too many in the Sustainability movement let the fire consume them and in the process burn others savagely. It seems to completely evaporate their compassion and causes them to vent at people who if loved or at least empathised with, could become powerful allies. 

And anger turned inward becomes depression.  Which is not great during a heat spike.  For Leonbergers or Belinas.   The yoga helped.  Stepping away from external input, after looking at it deeply with an open heart, helped.  Tonight, I am also going to meditate.  And tune in to my gratefulness about what is still here.  Yoga class, although hot, is still here.  Cool water to splash my face is still here.  Gorgeous you, reading this, are still here.  

What helps you find the light in the cave?

(Me as a little kid.)

#climate change #climatezombieapocalypse