#she could be intentionally messing with reality and building the world she wants around her | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lifewithsyfe · 3 years

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PLAYING WITH FIRE

Not quite sure how to put this into words, but someone else needs to know what I know. This story can save so many people and I won’t feel right until it’s consumed by as many as possible. I can’t express how many times I’ve tried to get this out. I almost even gave up on it, but God wouldn’t let me. So, let me make another attempt at it - this is how I escaped the devil:

It was a Friday night, April 5th, 2019.

I’m at El Rey on U street, having a few cold ones by myself. Just got off work, taking it easy...

Then, I end up running into and old “friend” I used to hangout with. Known him for about 7 years at the time: (Dave) - tall, black, dreads, above average build.

After a couple of drinks, he asks if I want to hangout at one of his friends house. Said we can smoke there and that she has a lot of drugs.

So I accepted cuz I was originally going to let the night unravel on it’s own and it didn’t sound like such a bad idea at the time.

It was a habitual routine I developed during my heartache…

I’d go out alone, run into a group of people I knew, bar hop ‘til we ended up at an after hours spot (or someone’s place) and shamelessly sleep my next day away.

So we get to the front of his friend’s building and it’s like a 60sumn-year-old lady:

(Robin) - fat, white, short, blue hair, top row gold grill and “ride or die bitch” tattooed on the back of her neck (amongst a couple others, but that one stood out most cuz it was in my face, while she was unlocking her apartment door).

At first, I thought it was a descriptive-type of tattoo. Like, she was saying that that’s what she was.

But in retrospect, it was almost like it was something she was saying to me - you’ll see what I mean later, if you don’t get it now.

Oblivious to what was about to happen next, I continued to walk through that door...

Something felt off, but I just figured it would be something low-level weird.

I’m always seeing signs that show somebody dabbles in magic or the dark arts, but I figured “if I’m not actively practicing divinity or doing weird rituals, it won’t personally affect me…if I don’t create a ceremonial invitation, then I’ll be okay.”

Now, I’ve already had a good amount of spiritual experiences at this point (good and bad), but for some reason I just didn’t think anything like this would happen…at least not to me.

I thought I had it all figured out, cuz I thought I’d seen it all - or at least enough.

I should’ve known though…I was just so emotionally numb at the time, I was doing anything to feel anything.

I mean aesthetically, she looked like she’d have a few good stories or something. Needless to say by now, but I ignored the red flags.

So, moving forward...

We walk in, sit on the couch, watch skate videos and start breaking down.

After a few minutes of small talk, they offer me some acid from a vile. Emphasizing how it was very high grade stuff - but I didn’t need much convincing anyway.

I was very into psychedelics and considered myself extremely experienced in that realm.

But just because I did it a lot, didn’t mean I was. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t though.

It was usually my go-to for when I needed that unrivaled escape from reality.

So yeah, I took the witch’s brew thinking it was something I considered fun.

Once it starts to kick in, I can feel her beginning to stare at me from the end of the room - with a big grin on her face.

She then suggested that I take my jacket off cuz I’m going to end up getting really hot, and cackled like it was the funniest thing the world to say.

It was something she said a couple of times too. At first I didn’t know exactly what she meant, I just thought she was a basket case - but she was implying that I was going to end up in Hell…you’ll see what I mean.

A few moments go by and they suggest we move the party to the rooftop cuz her place was limiting and we could see more from up there.

Plus, she wanted to blow bubbles…and I figured “tripping indoors is boring anyway, why not?”

Now because I took my jacket off and left it in her apartment, I began shivering after a while.

I didn’t expect for it to be that windy, I wanted a nice little breeze.

So she says she’ll get me one, cuz she had to go in for more soap anyway - comes back and asks to put this fur coat on me.

It was a nice coat, so I let her.

So I’m cozy now and she gives me a tour, showing me the cool visible parts of the city.

Telling me not to be afraid of my true potential and that I can obtain everything I want.

I was feeling pretty good about those words, until I thought “that sounds familiar…what if she isn’t speaking in general?” - but I just chalked it up to her being an old hippy.

She then grabs my arm and tells me to look at this red wall, as we walk to the other side of the building. I figured it’d be something visually enticing she was trying to share, but this was going to be her first attempt at hypnosis.

She asked if it felt like my soul was being massaged - encouraging me to ride it out. Essentially, trying to get me to put my guard down, saying “this is where dreams become reality.”

Then, I began seeing holographic outlines of people in the wall. The traces reminded me of a glowing snail trail.

Right after, I saw myself turn into a block of flesh and almost being slid into the wall if I stared any longer.

But like I woke up in one of those falling dreams, I snapped out of it.

With a laugh attached, she says “damn, almost!”

And that’s when I stopped letting myself be completely naive. The veil was clearly being lifted before me and I needed to be alert. It’s just, I had this slight muffle surrounding my common sense.

Now I knew hallucinogens were considered sorcery in the Bible, but I figured - one more time won’t hurt. It’s not like I wasn’t still smoking and drinking.

It’s just crazy, cuz it was after learning about what the fallen angels taught us, is when I decide trip again.

I blatantly chose to play with fire and defy God that night.

See, these hypnotic spells are telepathic contracts. Once the manipulator is installing a vision, it’s at the last second where it becomes your choice to see what happens next.

It nudges at your curiosity, feeling like it’s a part of the trip you’re supposed to let ride out.

But every time I almost did, my heart wasn’t having it and I’d snap out of it again.

Every time she would cast a spell, I could feel my soul almost getting pulled out - with a malicious presence surrounding me.

The goosebumps I got from this thing, felt like it was ready to defile me in every way possible.

In disbelief that what I thought might be happening, wasn’t - I tell myself “let me not cause a ruckus for no reason, I am trippin’ after all. Think of something positive.”

But now my eyes are shifting everywhere, cuz I keep getting a glimpse of whatever’s approaching.

Even with that many peculiarities, something kept me in denial.

Still though, she tries another set-up and tells me to look at how high up we are, as she gestured for me to look down from the rail. As if I didn’t already know, but I go cuz I also didn’t want to be rude.

So I grab the rail and lean over…

(Dave) says “don’t let go,” giving me this wide-eyed look with a smile and said “you feel it, don’t you?”

Then just like that, my heart jumped and my mind began getting flashes of demonic symbols and images like subliminal messages.

My vision was about to go black, like the circle closing at the end of a cartoon…until I snapped out of it and backed up with my head on a swivel, angrily questioning them.

That’s when I caught (Dave) behind me, quickly hiding his hands.

Now I’m on survival mode and it feels like I can’t even make a step without risking my soul. I can feel that I’m being made a fool out of, but of course they gaslight me and try to calm me down…

I still didn’t want to believe I was in this kind of mess, but I’d be naive to let all that slide so easily.

So with caution, I’m trying to plan my escape - playing it as cool as I can, but my body is getting heavier by the second.

She then lifts her speaker and says “listen to these different frequencies, it can change your mood.”

I really wasn’t trying to listen, because I needed to leave and I didn’t trust her at all now. Especially not with anything sound related.

But then out of nowhere, I hear a distorted garble come out of the speaker and hit my ear.

I said “huh!?”

Then (Dave) was like “oh, you heard that...?”

I looked away and acted oblivious, cuz I felt that if they knew I could hear that, they’d bring out the big guns.

(Dave) laughed, saying to Robin “wait, he still don’t know what this is yet?”

Unintentionally, or intentionally letting me know.

So I tried to leave and they started laughing. Trying so hard to keep me there…

(Dave) said “you already ‘bouta do it, it’s better this way anyway.”

Then he was like “look at my hands, this shit trippy, right?”

Followed by him creating an infinity symbol with his waving hands.

Now this infinity symbol was made of light and floating in mid-air in front of him after he did it.

Right after that, he did the hermaphrodite/goat-headed deity’s pose, flipping his hands and head perfectly in a stiff dance.

Which then caused me to see it’s true form in my minds eye. I snap out of it once again, trying to get a hold of my reality.

Once I can see them again, it’s like time stood still and only I could move.

I’d look around and they’d be frozen.

At this time, I can hear them having two conversations, simultaneously.

All I caught was (Dave) say “he can’t hear us in this plane.”

Then as he slowly got up - like I was tuning through a radio, I hear a screeching static clear up. The sound then becomes like an electronic bleating and bellowing from a goat, in-sync, surrounding him.

At this moment, I’m a part of their their collective conscious conversation - essentially telepathy.

Then they began letting me know who they were.

Saying that they were angels, that they were around before us and that I can be like them.

The whole time they were talking to me, they were trying to weaken and hypnotize me with hand signs - trying to convince me. Thing is, when they did try to convince me, they’d always talk around the subject at hand - but once you know what the subject is, the situation becomes clear.

A lot of people might think they’d get physical and get out of there. I just don’t think they’d understand how it is fighting sleep paralysis, awake.

I also knew that one false move would take me to the ‘sunken place.’

I knew I couldn’t just stand there though, but right before I grab the door to get to the elevator, (Dave) says “okay, you gon’ be waiting on that elevator forever; this is a REAL trip…c’mon, I thought you liked this shit.”

Mockingly he asked “yeah, I guess you gon’ think twice about taking LSD again huh?”

I was thinking in my head “fuck, did I really just lose my soul? Is this how it happens? Is this where it all ends?”

I thought that was it, so I was about to give in and accept the offer - see what benefits I could get, if any.

Then from there, every time we almost sealed the deal, I would feel a hungry fire approach me from behind.

The one time I decided to look for where it was coming from, I got a vision with an orange blur in it - slowly materializing, until I could make something out of it. With the bit that I saw, I knew it was me being swallowed by fire and not dying.

Immediately after, almost as if I had touched the flames themselves, I yelled in confusion “wait, what? No! Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior!”

To which (Dave) nonchalantly responds “okay, you do that...that [N-word] died a long time ago.”

I look at him with disgust and continued to pray.

Telling God that He would never abandon His children if they encountered evil and that if there was a way for Him to save me to do it.

(Dave) says that I’m blowing his trip and leaves to the gas station.

At this time I could’ve left, but I still didn’t want to be alone in an elevator with him.

So as I’m praying, I begin to feel the dark grip they had on my heart loosen up. It was like my heart was pumping electricity throughout my body, then all around it. I could feel the forcefield - Christ had arrived and I could move my body freely. No more fear in taking the wrong step.

So on (Dave’s) way back, (Robin) announces it and says let’s go downstairs and get him. That’s when I hear (Dave) say - not yell, “open up” from all the way downstairs and I was amazed...I was like “wait, can he still hear me?”

With him responding “DUH! Damn, you some shit!” and continued on his way.

So if I was to leave, this was going to be my chance.

In the elevator she tries enchanting me again, but I rebuked every attempt.

I’m trying to maintain focus the best that I can, so I don’t slip - which made this elevator ride unnecessarily more intense than it needed to be.

Once the elevator door finally opens, I see (Dave’s) silhouette behind a thick glass rail, carrying an ominous slouch.

Walking towards me, he notices that I’ve calmed down. So when he sees my face, he smiles and asks “oh, you’re good now?”

I replied “I am and I’m not with the goofy shit y’all up to - I’m gettin’ the fuck outta here.”

So as I’m walking towards the exit, he yells “that’s not the way out!”

To where I respond “fuck y’all!”

You would’ve thought I opened the door before touching it, the way I left out so fast.

As that door closed, I did a little jog to get across the street.

But a few seconds later, I feel this tingle in the back of my brain, as though it had neck hairs that stood up.

I look over my shoulder and noticed he decided to follow me…of course. Shortly after I noticed him - with that bull-like slouch, he started running.

Now I was a little ahead of him, so I didn’t start running yet. I had to make sure I knew where I was going before exerting my energy.

Every time I moved my head, I could feel the tingle coming from his direction.

So there was no losing him - but I am fast.

I couldn’t call a ride because my phone was dead and I couldn’t go to anyone’s house at the time, cuz it was around 5am now.

As (Dave) got closer, I felt my vision going black and my body getting heavy again. A lot stronger this time…time to kick it into high gear.

Once it clicks into my head that the easiest place to catch a taxi in such a heated moment would be in Adams Morgan, an opportunity presented itself.

Ahead of me was a crosswalk and the orange hand was counting down it’s last seconds. Everything I ever learned told me I wasn’t going to make it, but I wasn’t going to stop running either.

So when my foot lands off the sidewalk, is when the cars to my left and right begin to move.

That’s when everything moved in-slow-motion…and a burst of energy launched me across the street.

I’ll remember that moment as my own Air Jordan.

That moment bought me time, but he kept going too. This is when I start hearing echoed garbles crawl off buildings and jump into my ear “you acting like a bitch - come back!”

Perfectly as if he was next to me…I look behind me and it’s like he hasn’t broke a sweat. Completely focused.

From the gas station diagonal to the 9:30 Club, to the McDonald’s in Adam’s Morgan.

My body wanted to give out most of the way, but soul wouldn’t allow it.

I just had to keep running until I found a taxi - which I did.

That’s when (Dave) caught up, yelling “you look like an unk right now!” cuz 4 taxis stopped for me in that intersection.

To where I respond “I don’t give a fuck, I made it out alive!”

I get in the car and tell the taxi driver to drive towards Maryland, that I’ll give him the address on the highway.

Finally, after surviving a living nightmare, I made it home.

I went to my room, played some worship music, got on my knees and wrung myself out of tears to Christ.

Afraid to sleep because I knew they could contact me in my dreams.

So I didn’t until the drug wore off in the afternoon the next day…

I even felt that burn on my back as if it was sunburn for the next couple of weeks.

I’m so grateful to still be alive, because I’m 100% positive I’d be in Hell (with something else in my vessel) if I didn’t call on God that night.

It was like I was tiptoeing on a needlepoint to keep my soul.

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thelifetimechannel · 4 years

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“So what the fuck was all that” or, I acknowledge that we laid all this plot stuff out like 3 years ago so if you forgot here’s a rundown of what Coda’s Deal was

As some background, when we first started this project, the main idea was to have the versions of the kids we were invested in win the game. But as we kept working, and as the world around us got progressively nastier (and listen, I drafted this explanatory post months ago, so the ride don’t stop on that account), that didn't feel like enough. The game is sick. The game is broken. The game tortures children and builds new worlds off their backs. SBURB is what gave Caliborn the power he used to become the monster he did. How would simply playing by SBURB's rules and giving it a win be a victory? To quote TLC!Roxy,

TG: when the meteors start coming down again do we just watch? TG: when we get 2 the new universe callies gonna b there and we have 2 let her suffer bc the loop says so TG: so if the rules are still gonna force us 2 do shitty stuff do we ever rly get out?? TG: how do u win a game like that?

And so, the game became the last villain. Or what the game represents: an endless cycle of profiting off torment, promoting creation at any cost. I wanted the kids to break the cycle, since so much of the story centered around breaking out of bad patterns (personal, societal, structural). Especially in light of... everything going on in the world, I wanted to tell a story about a bunch of people who had gone through absolute hell and said, No one else should ever have to do this. I wanted to tell a story about survivors saying, Tomorrow is going to be better than today, and we are going to make sure that happens. That's a conclusion several of the characters start to come to in the later parts of the comic, until Rose directly states that her goal is to make a better system (following in her Act 4 footsteps after having learned to balance destruction with creation):

ROSE: There has to be a better way to perpetuate reality. ROSE: We may be trapped in a time loop when it comes to the cherub session, but beyond that... ROSE: I don't know what, or how, but I want to do something for the world we create, if that's where we're spat out. ROSE: If we let it keep selecting a few malleable lost children as the sole survivors to keep this cycle going, we're no better than the puppetmaster we're trying to escape.

How to accomplish that? Well, one of the forces that serves as an antagonist is the Alpha timeline. Characters who make perfectly good decisions that simply deviate from what the Alpha demands are punished with death and banishment to the furthest ring.

ARADIA: working within the alpha timeline can be frustrating ARADIA: sometimes in my role as the maid of time i had to doom timelines where we succeeded because it would cause a paradox down the line ARADIA: for example you had to create the cancer in the humans genesis frog, otherwise a whole chain of events contributing to our own existence wouldnt be! ARADIA: there were realities where you didnt make the same mistakes ARADIA: there were some where we all did great

TG: it sux that it works this way TG: that u need some sort of hacky workaround 2 not die bc someone down the line fucked up or mayb u were just in the wrong place at the wrong time

In canon, it is established that the Alpha timeline is based on Lord English, as Scratch explains by saying,

The path which alone has my absolute mastery is the alpha timeline, a continuum I define as that which boasts exclusive rights both to my birth and to my death, two circumstantially simultaneous events.

Which means, without the Lord of Time forcing all viable timelines to feed into his being, multiple timelines could hypothetically coexist as long as none of them break other pre-existing loops.

ARADIA: english narrowed the options to direct all energy toward his desired outcomes much like a virus repurposing a cells production mechanisms to reproduce itself instead ARADIA: but he is gone now ARADIA: there are plenty of realities my selves left behind that could have survived if not for his loops and his insistence on wiping clean all offshoots that did not contribute to him ARADIA: an insistence that bled into the very laws of the universe ARADIA: but with his defeat the way forward is much broader

The alpha timeline isn't the only oppressive force at play, however. The other is the game and behind that, Skaia itself. Skaia is portrayed as a benevolent force for creation, but it supports a system where killing children isn't a bug. It's a feature. It's very devoted to the bigger picture and the greater good at the expense of the people caught in the system's gears, which sounds... familiar. Sure, Skaia could just exist, but Homestuck is an origin story. Almost everything has a starting point, so why not Skaia and the game too?

DIRK: The point is, this game didn't come out of nowhere. DIRK: Someone had to make it.

It made sense to me to have a benevolent cherub behind that, just as a malevolent cherub is behind the alpha timeline. So, enter alt!Calliope.

CALLIOPE: through the rules of the game that brought you here, i gave you my blessing. CALLIOPE: in doing so i hope i have created a battlefield for soldiers to rise up against him, even as my efforts brought about his own birth. CALLIOPE: both he and i labor bound to our own path from creation to destruction, locked in an ouroboros that will only end when you have passed through the final door.

JADE: just to make sure im understanding you correctly JADE: youre behind the game that ruined our lives?

And if one Muse of Space got us into this mess...

CALLIOPE: if she'd grown Up with friends like i had, she woUldn't have bUilt it that way, i know she woUldn't have. ROSE: Maybe this is your chance to set it right. CALLIOPE: what? ROSE: You're a Muse of Space too. ROSE: If she had the ability to craft the inner workings of an entire multiverse-spanning system and set it in motion, you must have that potential too. ROSE: Maybe you can change the rules.

In the walkarounds, Rose starts making her case to the other characters.

ROSE: Your mistake with the DNA affected our game session, which means the frog's construction influences how SBURB games launched within it are played. ROSE: If you did that accidentally, we might be able to influence future SBURB sessions intentionally.

And in the last update before our two flashes, they make their plan and put it to a vote.

ROXY: we need 2 come up w/ a world we like

That brings us to Coda. The alpha timeline (red snake) winds around the dream bubbles filled with ghosts who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Skaia's influence (green snake) winds around the events it engineered. We see the characters digging into DNA readouts, temple carvings, etc. to figure out how to reverse engineer the game. Then Calliope makes it happen, banishing the ouroboros of the two cherubs' influence so they won't poison the new universe. But of course, if we are banishing the alpha timeline and saying any number of realities can exist concurrently, we can't see any of them. That would be pinning us down to one. So, as Calliope works her magic, the viewers lose sight of the characters, so they can finally be free. Because if we're rebelling against authority, even we authors have to step aside in the end.

And so, for now, let’s drop the curtains and take our bow. :) As for what’s behind those curtains, who’s to say? Maybe us. Maybe you. Maybe everyone.

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bluemoonpunch · 4 years

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Regarding spirituality, which stage of conscious awareness has reached each Bangtan member? [anonymous @ bluemoonpunch(.)com]

I thought this was kind of interesting because I haven’t done a reading like this for them in a long time. This is focused purely on the state of their conscious level awareness, which can relate to aspects of the ascension process and their personal integration process, as well as their separation, however, it is more geared towards personal thought process and self-awareness as it relates to the expansion of personal perspective.

Overall, collectively, between the seven of them, there is the 9 of Pentacles which gave me this image of a full basket, like someone just went to the grocery store and filled up a basket and they’re getting ready to check out. They’re not fully out of the store yet, but they have what they need. Their state of mind, their outlooks, are what they need to be right now, their perception of themselves and the world around them are exactly what they need at this current moment. It’s stabilized, it’s grounded, it’s all kind of rooted in and come into bloom as the 9 of Pentacles would suggest, but there is that limited feel to it. Like what blooms will surely wilt, what you have in your basket will surely run out at some point. It’s temporary, as all perspectives, mindsets, and outlooks are, but, again, it’s as it should be right now.

Namjoon — 10 of Cups

This is a massively optimistic outlook, but it’s so massive that it’s like he’s really trying to build it up and maintain it. It feels like he’s trying to paint the picture of the 10 of Cups big enough that it completely blocks out anything else that he may come across or experience. He wants to — I think we all know this — see the bright side of everything, see the potential in everything, and see life in general as this limitless abundance. The 10 of Cups does feel like a dream, it is just Water energy, it’s very internal and emotional, so it does feel like there’s the awareness of this not being “realistic,” as in it’s not something that can be experienced without an effort behind it. The world isn’t just going to suddenly be sunshine in rainbows on its own, there is a conscious level choice to specifically focus on the positive and to find the positive. He’s learning how to do this and, as I mentioned a million years ago in his Elemental Alignment reading, he teaches while he learns, so this is being spread to people that pay attention to what he says and does.

Jin — The Moon

This isn’t that different from what I usually get for him other than that this is very internally focused, or more like it’s externally focused, but from a deeper internal perspective. Usually Jin is kind of looking at everything from above, seeing things and doing things outside of everyone else’s line of sight and from there he operates flawlessly and progresses really smoothly. I kept seeing this as going back and forth between the Sun and the Moon in terms of his perspective. Both are in the sky, both are looking down on everyone and everything else, being observant, but the general energy or mindset from which they look down on everything is very different. In the last like 15 or so readings that I’ve done for BTS, I’ve talked about the integration process and the symbolism of integrating the Sun, or the will of the soul. This is what that is making me think of. The perspective of the Sun is very charged up and will-oriented, very Divine Masculine, while the Moon is more receptive and intuitive, very Divine Feminine.

Jin is looking at things as he always has, but he’s doing so in a way where it feels like he’s finding more meaning in things that he once only looked at superficially. He’s finding significance in people, places, things, experiences that settle with him on a deeper, more emotional level. He’s taking things in more. “Stop to smell the roses,” is a phrase that comes to mind with this. He’s sort of enjoying the moment, living in the moment, rather than fully being wrapped up in what’s coming next, what he has to do, where he has to go, who he has to be.

Yoongi — 4 of Cups

This card actually came out two times for him. The first time I was shuffling for his card a whole heap of them flew out onto my desk and the 4 of Cups was the only one upright and I thought that was the card, but I’m like really annoying and refuse to take cards when they’ve been rude and flung a whole stack all around and made a mess. So, I put it back and shuffled again and the 4 of Cups came out again on its own — much more polite.

This energy feels really weird for Yoongi like it feels… small? Or it feels much more contained than what I’m used to feeling for him, especially considering the last big reading that I did for him in the current state was his External Alignment reading last year which showed his energy to be very strained. Of course, we are just looking at the conscious level perception, so the fact that this feels so small may be because there’s an effort in… shrinking that strain… you know what I mean? Like, the 4 of Cups always hits me in two ways — either someone is trying to meditate and receive something, or someone is being handed something and they’re not aware of it because they’re sleeping, but here it feels more like the 4 of Swords, which is about intentionally allowing yourself to rest and relax, to unwind and drift. With the focus on Water energy here, it feels more intuitive, energetic, spiritual. So, if I were to really force my perspective, it would be like he actually is meditating more, or he’s allowing himself to step back and take a break, or he’s not trying to force himself one way or the other.

With his energy, a lot of the times, he really pushes and pushes and pushes against certain currents that he’s in, like he’s genuinely got a fighting spirit in that sense, but here there is a conscious level attempt to just not do that anymore. He’s trying to honor his Water energy, honor his natural flow, and kind of let his Fire energy relax a bit. Similar to Jin, it’s just this vibe of not leaving the current position, but approaching the current position from a new lens.

Hoseok — 10 of Swords / Kook — 8 of Swords

Hoseok and Kook have the only “negative” cards in the mix and they’re both of the suit of Swords, both dealing with very conscious level mental energy, logical thought. There’s not a lot of stimulation here to the aspect of communication on either side, it’s very personal and very isolated. They’re both kind sitting in the same space, going through the same process, but because of their different levels of progression as well as maturity and experiences, they are definitely going through the motions of this very differently.

Both sides are purging a lot of old mindsets and outlooks, making room for something new. Hoseok, with the 10 of Swords, is like almost aggressively trying to shift himself consciously into a new frame of mind, but it feels like he’s trying to fit his perception emotionally to what he sees through a more objective lens. I was seeing this as him trying to completely eradicate any mentality that does not align with what he experiences externally, as in getting rid of any self-doubt, insecurity, fear, or resentment that doesn’t fit his experience with his life now with all of his success, both personally and with the group. He’s trying to initiate a complete collapse in his PERCIEVED reality in order to completely see things separate from his emotions — very Aquarius of him.

Then Kook is over there pulling some Virgo shit, doing the exact same thing, but he’s doing it piece by piece, which seems tedious and annoying because it’s almost like once he puts down one thing to focus on another, the thing he just put down starts to fester again. I was seeing his card, the 8 of Swords, as this process where the woman, is aware that she is blindfolded and bound — bound to limiting mindsets — and so she actually is proactive and tries to get out of it. However, her way of doing this involves her like feeling the swords around her, touching them to see which one is the sharpest or the cleanest, or the whatever. She’s trying to pick which sword to pull out of the ground and use to cut her own bindings even though she could totally just pick one at random and call it a day.

It’s almost like he doesn’t have the capacity the way Hoseok does to just kind of take everything on at once in terms of internal assessment and clearing, so he has to break things down. He’s doing it as if this is a process of deliberate action, but really this is more like a very slow and tedious process of becoming a bit more self-aware.

The best way to really show the difference here is to look at the images of the 10 of Swords and the 8 of Swords. They share similar compositions with all 10 or 8 swords being presented stood up vertically across the entire image. The only difference is that in the 10 of Swords, the person is laying horizontally on the ground, stabbed and pinned by all ten swords, while in the 8 of Swords, the person is stood up vertically alongside all of the swords, still blending in with them. It’s almost like Kook is trying to compromise or find an easy method to pulling things out — actually, no that’s what it is.

It’s like Kook is trying to pull the swords out while Hoseok is trying to push the swords in. These are two different methods to which people will approach emotional and mental clearing when it is being initiated consciously. They will either try to simply yank out the issue or the block by the root and release its influence over them, or they will try to integrate the mindset, the experience, whatever in order to understand the purpose or the lesson of it, and from there operate with it from a more positive and beneficial perspective.

So, yeah, they’re doing the same thing, but with different methods and the matter of maturity or understanding is coming in as this thing where Hoseok has enough self-awareness to know that he has to reset and heal broken bones, while Kook, a bit more lost in the wind, is trying to just amputate a broken limb.

Jimin — 8 of Pentacles / Taehyung — 7 of Pentacles

Just like Hoseok and Kook, Taehyung and Jimin are in the same boat, but they’re actually doing things in a mirrored or balanced process. This could mean that they are in a state of working together to kind of better themselves or they’ve made similar goals in terms of how they want to see themselves and the world around them and they’ve kind of teamed up in a way to help each other do this. It actually seems kind of straightforward and obvious, but I still can’t figure out exactly how to explain it, so I’ll just try to break it down as finely as possible and hopefully, it will just spell itself out.

So, first off, these are both Pentacles, they’re both Earth energy, very physical, very grounded, very superficial. Compared to everyone else, they are very externally focused and driven, but not in a way where it’s like FIRE energy, action-oriented kind of focus. It’s just a hyper-awareness of the physical form or of the superficial aspect of themselves.

Jimin is there with the 8 of Pentacles. He’s carving his physical form, his superficial presence out. With all of those pentacles, it’s like there’s this sense of trial and error, trying things on, trying on different ways of being in order to see what really fits and what balances between his internalized true self and the external persona that is more for the audience. Then on the other side, you have Taehyung with the 7 of Pentacles, which I was seeing as him having finished his pentacles and already having them on display for people to see as they are, no tampering, no carving, just kind of there.

For anyone that’s read a lot of my BTS readings where Taehyung and Jimin are featured, perhaps you’ve noticed something interesting. Compared to what they usually project, it’s almost like they’ve switched places.

Typically, as I’ve seen it for a long time, Taehyung is one to “carve his personality,” — flashback to his Elemental Alignment readings (part 1 + part 2) with all the masks and the split core — while Jimin was always very on display in his readings, to the point where I had to constantly take stuff out of my notes and out of his readings because it was just too “on display,” he’s almost too open to people. They’ve traded that here in this process and now Jimin is trying to carve his persona, while Taehyung is trying to display himself as he is without any tampering.

Now, with how they operated before with Taehyung having his masks and Jimin being an open and honest beam of light, there was a lot of negative, or just hindering results which caused Jimin to be very receptive to and open for criticism and attack from external influences (hate and shit) while Taehyung was very tightly wound and would only express solid emotion when it was literally too much for him to hold — I said before in a post somewhere that if he’s crying openly and it seems like he’s at a level 4, he’s really at a level 9 in terms of emotional distress. And yes, even tears of joy would be considered distress for him because he would be experiencing an overload nonetheless.

So, they are supporting each other here because they are adopting each other’s methods, but in a way where it balances out their own previous perspectives. When they combine both of those aspects together within themselves as individuals, it becomes open honesty with clear and necessary boundaries, it becomes more healthy in how they understand and express themselves with others.

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jinjjarang · 4 years

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my twinkling star

summary: park jimin is part of a band on their college, and they’re famous because of it. one day, he bumped into a girl and i guess you can say that his life was changed forever. the good thing is, it was the same for her.

[friends to lovers!au, college!au]

chapter 1

pairing: park jimin x female reader

a/n: hello! i’m going back to work during this pandemic, so i thought of finishing this au as soon as possible. please do leave comments or feedback regarding this, i deeply appreciate it! i hope you enjoy reading this update.

Chapter 2: How many stars are there?

Today was an awful day.

I messed up at work, and I think I’m getting fired soon. It was a part-time job to help me sustain my needs as a student. If I end up losing this one, I think I’ll just go back to tutoring. Aside from that, my professor in a major subject suddenly decides that instead of a group project, our final assessment should be done individually and to be submitted next week. That works for me because I’m having a hard time meeting with my teammates anyway, but that also meant that I have to stay up late at night to be able to finish it at the given time.

Tonight is the start of my sleepless nights in order for this project to be done, but I’m a little distracted by the crumpled paper with the phone number lying on my desk. I took it while contemplating on what I should do with it. It has already been two days since that incident. Should I text him? What am I gonna tell him? Hi, I was the one you bumped on the street two days ago. How you doin’?

I sighed.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of in this world, it was that he’s the most beautiful person and not even Brad Pitt can relate.

I typed in his number on my contact list, and opened a new message. I blankly looked at the blinking cursor on the ‘Type a message’ section, thinking of something witty to send but I must have been too tired as I slept the night away and woke up with my phone clutched within my hands.

I have no time for boy problems at this moment in my life anyways.

The days went by so fast. I was able to finish the assessment on my major subject, and the first semester is finally going to an end.

I was texting my tutee while on my way home (yes folks, i got fired) when I suddenly bumped into someone. I looked up to say sorry, but the person who I bumped into was the one who gave me the number of the beautiful human being a week ago. Yoongi, was it?

“Yo, why didn’t you text him?” he said, while clutching the strap of his guitar bag.

“Hyung!” shouted a man coming our way. He has silver hair, and he’s wearing a plain black shirt on a black skinny jeans.

That moment, the world went into a halt.

Every motion stopped except the person now slowly running into our direction. I could hear the angels singing in the background, and I could see how the sunlight is touching the features of his face softly.

He looks mesmerizing.

I looked at him in awe. “Right, Jimin ah. Did you pass your final assessment?”

“Yup! Hoseok hyung helped me at the last minute. Do we have practice today?” the guy responded. He smiled widely, and though he looks like a baby he also looked like an angel who was brought down into the world to make it a better place.

“Yeah, we do...” I noticed that Yoongi looked at me sideways, but I couldn’t really help staring at the silver-haired angel in front of me. Is he even real? Or am I making these up? “Hey so, you didn’t answer my question.”

I blinked hard and looked back at Yoongi, dumbfounded. “Uh… Huh?”

“Oh, who’s this? Your friend?” the Jimin guy said. He’s still wearing the most beautiful smile.

“No/NO!” We both answered and he laughed loudly. God, that was the most endearing laugh I’ve ever heard in my whole life. Laugh again, please.

“Okay, chill. You do look familiar though...” he stared at me while smiling still. Mama, God wants me to go with this angel and I will comply. Does he ever stop smiling?

“That’s cause I was the one you stole from.” I blurted out. I don’t know where I got the courage to say something like that because I’m actually an introverted person, but God lend this weak bitch the strength to move forward.

He frowned. “I’m not a thief..? I didn’t steal anything from anybody.”

“You did, so we’re going to the police and sue you right now.” Okay God, this might be too much of a strength here.

“Wait wait, hold on! What are you talking about?” He looks utterly confused now, but he still looks like an angel.

Yoongi laughed beside me, which was really surprising to be honest and Jimin looked like he was surprised too. “Hyung! You’re LAUGHING? What’s so FUNNY about this? I didn’t steal anything at all!” he pouted and wow, his cheeks are so fluffy I wanna squish.

“Oh, you did Jimin ah. That’s harsh of you to forget, you know. Considering that it’s a really big crime. Think again.” he turned around, and continued, “By the way, I’ll go ahead now. Will wait for you at the practice room, or if you can’t go, that’s fine as well. Just text me.”

“Wait, hyung!” he turned to look at me and thought again. “Okay, for real, what did I steal?”

There was a moment of silence. He looked nervous as if doubting himself for a second, and I just had the urge to hug him and tell him that it’s alright but I also want to tell him off for stealing my heart. But I have no right, in reality??

“My heart.” This courage--I thank whoever has bestowed this upon me.

“What?”

“You stole my heart when you bumped into me weeks ago. I told you I’d sue you for not taking any responsibility for it.”

He stared at me, straight into my eyes as if waiting for me to tell him it’s a joke. “You want to sue ME because I stole your HEART?”

“Uh, yes. It happened almost a week ago, I guess. We bumped into each other on the street, and I shouted at you when you ran away.”

He looked bemused, then he laughed. “I remember now!” Then, he looked serious. Okay, wait a minute. I cannot handle the roller-coaster of his emotions. I am: overwhelmed.

“Will you let me off if I let you come with me right now until the end of the night?”

“WHAT?” What does he mean until the end of the night??

“No, like, have dinner afterwards or something. What came into your mind?” he smiled--a deadly one. He’s aware of his powers, and it’s scary.

“Nothing.” I looked away.

“You sure? Because to me, it looked like you suddenly thought of something embarrassing.”

“No, there wasn’t.”

“So, is that a yes? Because this practice is really important to me, I don’t wanna miss it.”

I nodded without looking at him, and when I caught a glimpse I saw him smile a little. Is it okay to admit that I have fallen in love already? This soon??

We walked silently until we reached the Arts Building and the people we passed along the way each greeted Jimin with a smile. It’s not a surprise that he’s famous because he’s literally an angel. “Are you a student here?”

“Yeah, why?”

Nothing, I just thought of why I haven’t known or ran into you before when you’re this popular on campus. I felt like my whole life was a waste.

But the thought died in my mind as I chose to not answer his question. “Freshman?” I asked instead.

He smirked at me before answering, “Nope. Do I look that young?”

I suddenly got shy and felt my cheeks burn. I was about to counter his question when he stopped in front of the room labelled as ‘Practice Room 3′ and he turned to look at me nervously. “Okay, so we’re here. You’ll meet Yoongi again, and I have a couple of friends who stay here and I don’t want it to be awkward so just be calm. No need to freak out, alright?”

I chuckled because he looked like he was the one who's already freaking out. “Hey, don’t worry. I won’t mind at all. Besides, I’m the one intruding.”

He smiled warmly. “You say that now, but they can get overwhelming…”

When he opened the door, I saw different kinds of instruments and there was a big couch on the right side of the room where four people were sitting, each one focused on their phones. I saw Yoongi looking up from his phone and he was surprised when he saw me then he looked at Jimin who was scratching the back of his neck, and then he looked at me again and back at Jimin.

“Sorry if I’m late. Should we start?”

They all focused on him now, and then stared at me with surprised looks on their faces. It did get me more embarrassed so I decided to just look at the set-up of the instruments in the room. “Wait, you’re part of a band? Like, a real band?” I asked as I looked at Jimin.

“Uh, yeah. You didn’t know?”

“No. I didn’t even know you study here, too.”

“Wait, so you’re serious that you only met me when you bumped into me a week ago? And wanted to sue me right that moment?”

“Yep. What, you thought I already knew you before then?”

“Uh huh. I thought maybe,” he looked away “you know, that was your way of, I don’t know, like getting close to me?”

I scrunched my brows at him. “What, you’re so full of yourself. I would never go that far.”

“Oh, so suing me for something I didn’t intentionally do is not going that far??”

He has a point.

“Well, how do I know that wasn’t inten--” I was interrupted when we heard a sputtering burst of laughter from the other guys in the room. We both looked at them, flustered.

A guy with plump lips and I believe to be a descendant of Aphrodite said, “Ya Jimin-ah, is this the girl Yoongi was talking about? I didn’t believe it was true.”

The one with big doe eyes and who looked like a cute little bunny when he smiles nodded. “Hyung, you’re looking very shy right now.”

Then, a blond guy with dimples so deep stated, “I didn’t think you’d bring her here. This is unexpected, truly.”

“I second that. I thought you’d leave her alone or talk it out somewhere.” Yoongi said.

Jimin looked at his friends and pointed at Yoongi. “You’re the reason she’s here! You intentionally bumped into her a while ago.”

It was my turn to ask. “You did?”

Yoongi avoided my gaze, and stood up going straight to the piano. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, kid. We should start practice.”

The others started standing up from the couch. Jimin went to the mic and held the bass guitar, the blond guy with the dimples went on the other side of the room where there was a laptop and a lot of wires and other equipment, the bunny guy went to the drums, and the descendant of Aphrodite went straight to me. He extended his hand and introduced himself.

“Hello, it’s nice to finally meet you. My name’s Kim Seokjin, but you may know that already.”

Kim Seokjin. Kim Seokjin. Kim. Seokjin. Doesn’t ring any bell at all. Is he part of the university council?

I shook his hand and smiled. “Hi, I’m Y/N. I’m sorry, but I really haven’t heard of you before.”

He looked surprised and laughed again while slapping his thighs. “Okay, that’s really cute. So you already know Yoongi, I guess?” I nodded. “Then, let me introduce you to Jungkook, the one playing the drums and there’s Namjoon who’s in charge of recording and other technical stuff. Anyway, you can go ahead and sit on the couch while--wait, I’m assuming you’re waiting for Jimin?”

“Uh…” I looked at Jimin and he was looking at us. He mouthed a ‘What?’ directed to me. “Should I be waiting for you?”

He looked flustered and avoided my gaze, then he nodded. I looked back at the descendant of Aphrodite, and smiled at him. “Sorry for intruding.”

He was suppressing a laugh and he nodded twice before telling me to sit comfortably on the couch as they will take some time with practice. I said I don’t mind and went to the couch. I looked at Jimin and his friends. How can good-looking humans be allowed to be friends? This is so unfair but I also want to thank God because I was alive to witness it.

While they were tuning their instruments, I decided it would be a good use of my time to do some of my unfinished requirements. I started to clean up on their table as it was full of plastic cups, and instant ramen bowls, when the door suddenly opened and a tall sophisticated man came in. He was wearing glasses, and he looks like the second descendant of Aphrodite. He looked at me and blinked thrice before he went to Seokjin and whispered something. They mumbled to each other for a while, and I continued what I was doing. When I was done, I sat up quietly and started to work on my paper.

To be honest, I was never able to do any of my work. When I was about to start, they started playing a song. Jimin looks like the main vocalist of the band with Seokjin the second with the acoustic guitar with him. The song was Pop Rock, and it was very pleasant to the ears. If Jimin already looks like an angel, how can I describe how he sounds like when he sings?

Is it justifiable to say that his voice sounds so serene to that point that it feels like you’re going to heaven despite all the bad things that you’ve done your whole life just because you’ve listened to him sing?

Throughout their whole practice, I found myself speechless and completely stunned. They work so well together. It felt like they’re already recording an album of their own, or like they’re already performing in a stadium, and their voices sounded so perfect. There was no flaw; truly astounding.

Guy in the glasses who was sitting beside me suddenly spoke up, “Are you with Jimin?”

“U-uh, yeah.” I don’t know why I stuttered, but listening and watching the band feels like I was in a completely different world and the question just brought me back to Earth.

He smiled and I noticed that it was one of those boxy smiles that actually looks like a grin, but this one’s a natural. “Ah, so you’re that girl! Nice to meet you, by the way. I’m Kim Taehyung. I’m Jin hyung’s boyfriend. You can just call me Tae. I’m from the Arts department, and my major is photography. How about you?”

“Oh, I’m Y/N. My major’s Comparative Literature so you may see me spending most of my time at the library writing or reading stuff. It’s very nice to meet you too.” I said as I started to pack my things little by little while I maintained a decent conversation with him.

“Hey, that’s nice! What’s your favorite book?”

“I have a lot. Please don’t make me choose, I can’t do it.” We both laughed.

“Well then, recommend me some books that you like, and I’ll give it a read. Can I have your number? We should keep in touch for that book recommendation.”

By the time I gave him my number, the band had already stopped playing the second song. They went for a break, and sat on the sofa while discussing some ‘band stuff’ that I couldn’t relate to so Tae kept me company.

Taehyung and I were able to talk about a lot of random things and I found it very comforting. He has a way with his words that makes you feel like whatever you tell him is okay, and he’s ready to listen to all of it. I don’t usually like talking with others that much because I can’t keep a conversation going, but I really was able to open up to him more than with anyone else before.

The group went back to practice one last song, and Tae looked at the band softly as if it was a very fragile thing; as if looking at them could break them. He was smiling dearly and he whispered, “I just want to let you know that Jimin doesn’t usually interact with anyone else aside from us, so I’m really happy that he brought someone with him. These people… they’re very important to me. They’re my whole family.”

“It’s nice, having a family...” I wanted to ask him more about Jimin but it seems like I’d be invading a more intimate topic and I’ve only known them as of today. I’ve already been intruding too much.

“It really is.”

“Oh, that reminds me. I’m sorry if this is out of the blue, but I’m really curious. How did you guys know about me?”

He looked at me, contemplating on what to say. “Actually, we didn’t hear about you from Jimin. Yoongi hyung was the one who told us. He said something about an interesting girl who likes Jimin, and that’s that. Said you guys only bumped into each other, but he gave you Jimin’s number. Hyung always had a great eye for people; it’s as if he sees something that we don’t.”

I stared at him. I don’t know what to do with that information.

“It’s just that when they both came late that night, Yoongi hyung kept reminding Jimin to check his phone from time to time as he may receive a text. So all of us kind of waited for the text and since nothing came up, we accused him of lying. We must’ve been creepy because we all knew about you. Sorry.” he smiled apologetically.

I was quick to dismiss it because I felt embarrassed. “No, it’s okay. I’m actually very embarrassed because I know I’m intruding, and we didn’t really meet normally, you know. I don’t know what you’ve heard from Yoongi about how we met. Also, this is only the second time and we haven’t introduced ourselves formally--”

“Wait. You still haven’t introduced yourselves to each other? You and Jimin?”

I smiled shyly at Tae and looked at Jimin. “Yeah. I only know his name is Jimin because that’s how Yoongi called him a while ago. Also, I’m not sure as to why he brought me here or something, I’m just going with the flow? I’m really sorry.”

It was his turn to laugh. “Oh my, you guys are so funny! I have absolutely no words.” The band started wrapping up by this time, and I suddenly want to run away when it all sank in how unusual and totally embarrassing I am.

As soon as I saw Jimin walking to me, I immediately want to disappear. He smiled at me and asked me if we should already go. I feel hot all over, it’s as if I’m going to have a fever. I don’t have the courage to look at him anymore, the one that was lent to me has already expired. I just want to be swallowed whole by the ground.

“Hey?” he tried to look into my eyes, and I looked at Taehyung asking for help through telepathy and he just laughed at me.

“It’s okay, you guys can go. We have already finished talking, anyway.” He said while flailing his hands dismissively, and left us both on the couch. Noooo!

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked, worry evident in his eyes.

I tried to look at him, and failed. “Uh, sure. I mean, yes. Let’s go. Oh. Where are we going?”

He smiled at me. “How about we talk at the park behind the building first?”

“Okay, sounds good.” No, it doesn’t sound good. I did not think this through. I’m not ready for this.

Jimin waved goodbye to the group, and I smiled at them before leaving. We walked silently towards the park, and the people greeted Jimin the same way they did when we got here.

He’s glowing. Wherever he goes, it’s like the light follows him.

We arrived at the park he was talking about, and we sat side by side on a bench waiting for someone to start a conversation. We both were looking at the students passing by the park and kept silent for a while until I started to have the courage to talk to him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things awkward for you and your friends. Also, I must’ve creeped you out with how we met or the things I was saying. But it was true, you know. I mean, just some of it. I won’t sue you, I promise.” I blurted out.

He laughed at look at me intently. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m not mad or anything. But shouldn’t we get introduced with each other first?”

“Right. I’m Y/N and I major in Comparative Literature. I’m graduating next semester.” I extended my hand to him for a handshake and he took it immediately while smiling.

“I’m Jimin. I major in dance. I’m also hoping to graduate next semester.”

We talked for a while about our major and how he bumped into me that night due to the gig that they were catching up to. Jimin was a kind person, his smile never faded the whole time we were talking and I found out that it was very easy to make him laugh. He shared a lot of stories about their gigs and their adventures as friends. It was normal and simple talk about his life and some of mine. He kept the conversation going, and he never ran out of things to say.

It was already dark, and the lamp posts started to lit up. Jimin was still talking about his professor who keeps forgetting stuff, and I’m just staring at him. His eyes turn a crescent shape when he smiles, and he looks genuinely happy. The kind of happy when you give a child a lollipop or candy.

He was like a twinkling star when he talks. He lights up the darkness surrounding us. Looking at him on this moment makes me think how many stars are there in the universe. It also makes me think if anyone can shine bright than the one star in front of me--I bet not.

#bts au #bts jin #bts namjoon #bts jimin #bts taehyung #bts jeongguk #bts j-hope #bts suga #bts yoongi #college au #college au bts #bts fluff #bts crack au #band vocalist!jimin #my twinkling star

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bluehhj · 5 years

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listen to me — chapter 10

LISTEN TO ME — 0010

listen to me masterlist;

WORDS: 1.4K

Jisung didn't sleep well at night, which caused a slight torticoll on the left side of his neck, contributing to the progress of his morning irritation. Tired, he wore only a dark blue sweatshirt, this being the first he found in the room, and the jeans he was already accustomed to, soon getting on the motorbike and following the path of college, carrying with him all the discouragement of the world. When he arrived at the entrance gates, however, something made him wake up minimally, since he didn't receive such curious looks from people he didn't even know, but he decided to leave the fact aside and make his way through the campus. In the middle of the journey, he met Kim Yugyeom, a classmate with whom he exchanged a few words once or twice, but who now made a point of greeting him with enough presumption.

"Hi," Jisung replied, still unfamiliar with that sort of behavior.

"I'm not even going to ask how you’re doing, because I've already seen that you're doing very well." Yugyeom smiled enigmatically and walked again in the opposite direction to which Han was going. "See you later, huh?"

Jisung frowned, but didn't have much time to think about it, for soon his eyes found a set of specific features near the entrance of one of the buildings and any kind of thought that didn't involve that face was deleted from his mind. Before he could tell, his jaw had already cracked and his discouraged gaze became piercing, sour, laden with palpable grief. Yet, in the eyes that stared back at him could see only concern, shame, and perhaps a little regret, but it wasn't as if believed in that farce.

"Jisung-ah?" Hyunjin called him, touching his arm, but Han's eyes remained fixed in the same place. "Did you see the rumors? Or aren't just rumors? If it's not just rumors, I'll pretend I wasn't upset that I wasn't the first to know. "

"What are you talking about?" he sounded harsh, though his anger wasn't directed at the other boy.

"Look" Hyunjin handed the phone and finally managed to make Jisung change his focus, then watched Han's eyes widen as they scanned the bright screen. "I hadn't even seen the notifications from the group in my class, who asked me about it was Chaerin, when I went to try to understand the mess that happened between the two of you."

"Chaerin saw that?" Jisung felt a chill in his belly, referring to the photo in which he and Jinah appeared hugged in an almost compromising manner.

"She did." Hyunjin shrugged with some disdain, dismissing anything that involved the girl who hurt his best friend. "She said that she wanted to talk to you right, but apparently you were already much better."

Jisung stared again at his ex-fiancee, but she didn't look at him again, so he returned the phone to Hyunjin and stamped out. Hwang called him, but he paid no attention and continued with his furious strides to any place that didn't allow him the sight of Chaerin's stupidly pretty face. The floor could burn under his sneakers, so much was his anger.

Jisung hated when people intruded into his life, and he hated it even more when they invented things about him. There was nothing between him and Jinah, dammit! If Choi hadn't hugged him that way, he probably wouldn't even have touched her intentionally, there was no reason to say otherwise.

And there was no reason for Chaerin to believe such false speculations.

That was it, after all. What was making Jisung angry was the fact that his ex-fianceé was assuming that he had already begun to move on, and the reality was completely contrary. As stupid as it was — and he knew it was — Jisung didn't want to close the way, because, deep down there, he had little hope of Chaerin going back and realizing that her decision had been a complete mistake. He shouldn't even consider forgiving her, had it not been for his damn heart beating so fast, then, yes: if Chaerin said a single word, Jisung would return to her arms without even thinking twice, and Han hated himself for it, but it wasn't something he could handle. He loved her so much that he couldn't act rationally.

His eyes fluttered unperturbed, but they went back to normal as he closed them tightly as he heard Jinah's voice calling him from somewhere.

"Leave me alone!" he replied gruffly, still walking.

Jinah sighed, sad. She already imagined that Jisung's reaction after those pictures wasn't one of the best, but it wasn't her fault. Well, maybe it was a little bit, since it was her idea to hug him in public, but she didn't think they were so famous as to attract a paparazzi.

"I think I screwed up," she murmured, her pink lips pouting, her hands tucked into the pockets of her gray sweatshirt.

"Stop, it wasn't your fault." Chan squeezed her shoulder warmly, trying to comfort her. "Jisung, he-..."

"He's an idiot," Jade said, with as much anger as Han, and went after the boy. "But he'll see just what I'm going to do."

"You're going to do what?" Changbin took the girl's arm, making her turn around quickly.

"I'll fucking slap his face."

"Jade!" Jinah warned, her incredulity being remarkable from miles away.

"I told you I wouldn't be quiet if I saw him treating you wrong again, didn't I?"

"But you don't have to try to slap his face, either!"

"I agree," Changbin said. "I still wonder where such violence came from."

"You have five seconds to let me go." Jade directed her lethal gaze to Seo, who swallowed and hesitated for the next three seconds, but when it reached the four, the fear spoke louder and made him drop his girlfriend's arm, who turned and continued her way toward Jisung.

"Let me supervise," said Chan, so the aussie boy followed the american at a safe distance.

Jade turned away from some groups of college students and entered the building that Jisung attended. At that point she had already lost sight of him, but she believed that he had come in because there were only a few minutes left before the first class began. Her suspicion was proven when she caught sight of him at the end of one of the less-traveled corridors, and narrowed her pace to catch up.

"Hey!" she caught his attention. Jisung turned and looked at her with a bored face, but Jade wasn't intimidated. "Who do you think you are to talk to others like that? Even more so than someone who's foolish enough to swallow your rudeness and just try to help you! Besides, it wasn't Jinah who came out spreading these rumors, there's no reason for you to revolt with her like that!"

"It's so good to take care of your own life, have you tried it?" Jisung's tone made it clear that he wasn't open to discussion.

"You're really an idiot" not that Jade hadn't known that before. "But okay, stay there with your ignorance. It's even better, because you don't deserve Jinah's or anyone else compassion, and if I didn't like you before, you better know I hate you now!"

"Shall I tell the papers?"

"Go to hell. And you," Jade shifted focus as Jackson passed by them "go take care of your life, you unoccupied!"

The Chinese boy widened his eyes, checking his surroundings to make sure it was with him.

"Emr... Good morning?"

"Don't play dumb! What kind of future journalist goes through news stories without being sure of their veracity? Y'all are a bunch of incompetents!"

Jisung took advantage of the girl's lecture on Jackson and jumped out of the way, unwilling to carry on the disagreement with Jade.

No one had to say, he knew he didn't deserve Jinah's friendship, just as he didn't deserve anyone's friendship. His fickleness, impulsivity, and irritability kept him from the others, and, as the american had said, he had them hated. Hyunjin and Yoorim were very persistent, otherwise, they would've lost their patience. And all Jisung could do, even if he didn't admit it, was to feel sorry for being so complicated.

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belovas-vest · 5 years

Text

an analysis of chloe beale:

+ family background

+ internalized homophobia

+ minor family headcanons

I’m here to discuss the longtime headcanon that many of us have had: that Chloe Beale comes from a loving family; sometimes with and sometimes without siblings. However, I’m here to knock that lovely, fluffy headcanon out of your hands and serve you some good ol’ angst on a glistening silver platter.

For many that I’ve spoken with and from the fanfictions I’ve read over the years, I’ve commonly seen Chloe Beale’s family represented as a loving and welcoming family, opposite of Beca’s dysfunctional and toxic one. Many of us also have a certain distaste for the way Chloe is portrayed in the second installment. Many of us see someone who had been a beaming light in contrast to our protagonist, get chopped down into replacing another lead character (Aubrey) for dramatics and possible laughter. We also have a dislike towards the idea of Chloe being a complete and utter mess in front of someone in the third film because it feels so out of character for her.

However I firmly believe this isn’t the case. In fact, I think it’s more likely that Chloe too comes from a dysfunctional and toxic family, perhaps even more damaging than Beca’s (depending on your own personal headcanons). I believe that the reactions and behavior in these films that followed the first simply shed a little light on our beloved character.

I’m mostly going to be drawing examples from the second movie as well as parts of the third, as lot of us have been vocal about our dislike towards Chloe’s outbursts and seemingly out of character reactions. Below is an in depth explanation as to why her reactions in this extensions to the first movie might not be so far fetched and why the above comment regarding Chloe’s family is more likely than not.

“This [the Bellas] has been my family for 7 years.”

This is something spewed from Chloe’s mouth with fear and frustration towards Beca, who is so ready to move away from the Bellas and college life. It feels a little dramatic, it feels like Chloe should just move on already, and begin her life after college as so many of us do after we graduate.

However, this isn’t the case for Chloe. She’s clinging onto something that feels her family; something I suspect she wouldn’t otherwise do if she came from a nurturing home filled with love and acceptance. This idea that she has that she has to fail in order to be a Bella, to be part of a family, and to call a place home just comes from the fact that she’s longed for such a thing. Again, something someone wouldn’t do if they came from a place that provided such things beforehand.

It explains Chloe’s intensity in the second film, explains her lashing out. She feels the only family she has is going to slip through her fingers in a matter of months (or whatever time is left). She’s desperate to hold onto anything, to hold on to any piece of something that feels just a little like family. She attaches so intensely to anything and anyone, specifically the Bellas (and arguably Beca, regardless whether those feelings are romantic or not). Not to mention, why ever move on when all you’ve known is home and school? Where school is a safety net and an escape from whatever trouble looms over at home and anything else feels daunting or terrifying, because school has sort of turned into this place associated with family.

“And without the Bellas then my life will have had no... meaning!”

A quote that, personally, made my chest constrict. What a dreadful thought for Chloe to have, what kind of life had Chloe been living until the Bellas? There’s something to unpack here, something that comes from feelings of uselessness that makes me want to wrap Chloe into a blanket and protect her.

It’s other comments from her that also make me question Chloe’s family and the place she comes from.

“This group is my life.”

“I’ve intentionally failed Russian Lit three times so I could be a Bella.”

Considering Chloe has been able to attend college for 7 years, I’m going to lean towards a more emotional disconnection within and from her parents rather than a physical disconnect or abuse. A type of family that’s love is filled with expectations and conditions, filled with secrets behind closed doors, and a “control your emotions” type of growing up. At the same time, the type of family where Chloe’s the last child to go to college, the least cared about because her parents already have successful children and there’s bound to be a fluke (potentially causing feelings of inadequacy and uselessness). This gives Chloe to ability to continue to attend college for so long.

I think there’s a lot of superficial things going on in the family. Her mom perhaps finding romance with someone else while her father is away on business (which is frequent) and Chloe seeing it. Being told to keep the affair quiet or else and watching her father continue to be loyal towards someone Chloe’s not entirely sure deserves it. Superficial expectations like keeping a proper image of oneself and being sure appease others because, perhaps, that is what a woman is to do in her family.

(But that’s just my personal opinion and you’re free to feel and headcanon whatever you’d like. This is just for explanation sake and my own personal thoughts.)

Which, could very well explain Chloe’s attraction to someone like Aubrey, who becomes (what we assume) her best friend throughout the years. Someone like Aubrey is familiar with rules, attention to detail, traditional habits, and “if you fail, give up, and never try again” type. It explains her tolerance for what many of us would never tolerate from someone we consider our best friend (or anyone at all).

It also explains her attraction Beca (again, romantic or platonic). She’s drawn towards someone who’s a little jaded by the world, a little closed off just like her family, and stubborn in her ways, regardless if they’re healthy habits or not (just like Aubrey). Beca feels familiar to her family, but not so much so that Chloe fears her or feels the need to run the other direction. She sees a person who is unafraid to speak her mind, to do whatever she wants, and to feel whatever she pleases without worrying about other people. Chloe admires those things so intensely and so freely. And Chloe doesn’t want Beca to feel the loneliness she has felt for so long and so deeply, she wants Beca to feel listened to and accepted, especially within this family Chloe is trying to build (specifically in the first movie). She doesn’t want Beca to shut the world out like, perhaps, her own family.

In return, Beca makes her feel confident and safe. Beca that helps her find a family that she refuses to leave for 3 years, because without Beca, the Bellas might not have continued to be together after Chloe’s first senior year. Beca helps Chloe find safety in a new family, something she’s been craving for so long. Together they have these wonderful, amazing girls who create a house that’s filled with love and acceptance, a place where life is found in every corner of the house. A stark contrast to what Chloe grew up with.

“You know, one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t do enough experimenting in college.”

And it’s Beca who shatters that safety into pieces when Chloe whispers those words and feelings she’s probably been so afraid to admit.

How could a Beale ever stray from ‘tradition’ and the American Dream? In a family that holds certain expectations, Chloe might never have actually been with anyone but men. It might have always been “men or hit the road” kind of thing and without having anyone to fall back on - and perhaps still holding love and respect for her parents because that’s just the kind of person she is (again, family is everything to Chloe) - she’s too afraid to stray from what’s expected.

But one could admit such questions and desires if surrounded by people such as the Bellas, those who offer such a safe landing. One could admit those feelings to an especially trusted person with others around to fall back on if the worst possible outcome comes true. And so Chloe does. She admits those feelings and Beca waves it off.

Being brought up the way she had, where your own personal feelings come second to the image you need to show the world, it’s easier for her to swallow whatever personal emotion she has in reaction to Beca’s “you’re so weird.” It’s easy to just smile and say “thanks.” When the reality of the situation is she’s been dealing with this internalized fear and possible self-hate.

“I just love, love.”

A scene which has many of us irritated had been the interaction between Chicago and Chloe. Chloe, who had been so confident in the shower scene (although, arguably she had the upper hand over Beca, but that’s another conversation to be had), now standing in front of a man, being a complete and total ‘fool’. Arguably, it could very well be said that through her own growth, and very much thanks to Beca, Chloe has been able to move on from being confident about her body, to being confident about her thoughts and feelings. Beca had been almost like a guiding light for Chloe in that sense; showing her that she too could say what she wants without worrying about others expectations. Again, having that safety net that is the Bellas makes Chloe feel a little more free to do and act how she feels.

TL;DR Chloe’s family isn’t loving or nurturing, it’s filled with expectations and demands to hold up an image. It explains her intense need to be a part of Bellas and stick around for so long instead of moving on with her life as well as her attraction to people like Aubrey and Beca.

#chloe beale #pitch perfect #bechloe #u: pitch perfect #mine: writing #long post #character analysis

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catflowerqueen · 4 years

Note

Number 2 of your prompts, please!

I’ll assume that this was in response to the first set. If it wasn’t, just let me know and I can talk about #2 from the second set in another post.

2. Grovyle’s new family situation

This one is probably one of the more subject to change, since I’m still figuring out the logistics of things, and one that is going to require a fair amount of build-up.

One of the biggest issues facing the denizens of the changed future is the fact that what essentially happened is that the new reality and the old, alternate reality got smashed together and aren’t quite clicking the way they should. Dialga managed to do a lot in terms of physical rebuilding and fixing things, but due to the nature of the event and the fact that the “higher power/tier” that he alluded to during the special episode had never done something like this before and only really had a basic idea of how to actually accomplish what they were trying to, he couldn’t get everything. So part of what Grovyle and the others do as part of the New Planetary Investigation Squad is to go and… well, investigate, and help out where they can.

But as I said, that is just the physical aspect. And only a part of it.

Something that will eventually get brought up in story (hopefully) is how powerful Relatia really is, and the way she utilizes those powers. A large part of what she does is simply to make sure that time and space are flowing smoothly with no unresolved paradoxes or issues, which is something that was briefly touched upon in the epilogue, and sometimes this necessitates going back through time. As one could imagine, and given the very premise of why Dusknoir was trying to stop Grovyle from changing the future, making big changes in the past can and will often have extremely detrimental consequences on the future if one doesn’t know what they are doing. This is also a big factor in why the celebi species has to be so careful about what they do, and why they are biologically drawn to spend most of their time on a linear path, in the time period they actually come from originally.

It is entirely possible, and, indeed, has actually happened, that Relatia must go into the past and alter the future somehow. Typically the changes are small and people do not really notice, outside of feelings of deja vu. Sometimes this results in her splitting timelines apart and isolating some in special spacial pockets that cannot be interacted with. But when she can’t do that and the changes are too large… you get a situation like what would have happened to the denizens of the dark future had the being Dialga alluded to not intervened. In a case like this, Relatia would do her best to keep everything as similar as possible–engineer situations which would still allow peoples’ ancestors to meet so that they could still be born, working with fellow Pantheon members to ensure natural disasters and whatnot happen when they should so that certain things happen, etc., but that doesn’t mean that she can preserve everything, which is… kind of the point, really, since the entire idea was to change things. But she makes sure that no one remembers the alternate path so that they won’t feel any pain about alternate events which can never happen now. Also so they don’t get confused by all the things that are now different.

Unless, of course, she decides to isolate people from the time stream while she makes the changes before dropping them back in. In which case they would remember everything that happened in the other timeline and, typically, also have memories of the new one they’ve been added into. Which can lead to some confusing situations at times, since it means that they would basically have double memories.

The thing is, Relatia generally only goes for this route when she gets so incensed at someone that she wants to punish them for something. She can get very, very wrathful at times, and if she wants to mess with the timeline and make it fray and break apart or take unnatural paths, she totally can. You were a ruler in the original timeline, who had everything you ever wanted at your fingertips? Too bad, Relatia is mad at you and now you are a penniless nobody with all the memories of things that you can now never have again because your situation has changed, and you’re the only one who knows it. Oh, and the love of your life who, tragically, died young in an accident? Well, they might be alive now because of the changed circumstances… but they now have no clue who you are, and your attempts to tell them the “truth” just make you come off as a crazy person. Oh, and somehow, in some unexplained way the children you had with the love of your life in the old timeline still exist, and, yes, those really are your kids, a DNA test could probably prove it, even though–again–you and the love of your life never met in this life… but they don’t know who you are either. You do have some vague memories now of donating your genetic material, however…

So you can see how something like this would be a devastating punishment.

But in a case like the Dark Future… would that still be the case? Yes, things would be a lot different than you remember… but wasn’t that the entire point of what the Planetary Investigation Team wanted to do? And you fully agreed to nonexistence in the hopes of fixing the problem, but now you get to live! And, sure, sometimes it gets a little confusing when you have memories both of growing up in a dark world and one filled with light… and the memories of the dark world often aren’t the nicest—in fact, some of them are downright cruel, and you were often a jerk, and yet… isn’t it good to have them both? They prove that you survived a terrible ordeal and still came out fine on the other side, and now you don’t have to be a jerk to survive any more. You can just… heal. And you aren’t alone in this either—everyone who was still alive at the time that the future was saved is in the exact same boat as you. And, hey, with all the skills you gained, you can totally help the ones around you who do not remember the ordeal you went through–because they were either dead at the time or circumstances made it so that they were never born in the first place—survive all these weird paradoxes and anomalies that have now cropped up. …As well as help them move the giant piles of rubble and crumbling buildings that Dialga couldn’t get to for whatever reason.

So that’s what essentially happened here—rather than everyone disappear into non-existence, those that were alive at the time of the future being saved were re-integrated into the new timeline in the same manner as how Relatia does it when exacting punishments. Of course, given how wonky that entire situation was, things get complicated when it comes to establishing ancestry. Some pokemon who got together in the dark future would not have in the fixed one, so not everyone would get doubled memories since they literally would not have existed in any form without the intervention. And some people are obviously going to have an easier time integrating those memories than others, not to mention that there a bunch of people who will only remember the fixed future, so there is definitely going to be an adjustment period for that, and some things/people might never get reconciled fully—luckily everyone pretty much knows what/why this all is happening, because the Partner (Paula) did as promised and spread the story around, so people are going to catch on pretty quick to what is going on when people start freaking out and shouting about how surprised they are to still be alive when seconds ago they were very calmly eating their lunch or whatever. (Don’t ask me exactly how many generations have passed. I don’t really know at this time, and am trying to be intentionally vague about it).

So then, getting back to your initial request… Grovyle’s problem is that he now has a living, biological family… that remembers nothing about the dark future, since his parents and grandparents both died when he was still a child—and an only child, at that. In this life his father is still dead—a tragic accident during a routine exploration/rescue mission years ago—but his mother had retired from that life so that she could raise him and his little sister—who did not exist in the dark future. This causes a lot of friction, since he now has trouble relating to them, and reconciling the mother he once had to the one he has now. Don’t get him wrong—he’s extremely grateful that they are alive, and that they exist, but… it’s hard, when the formative memories that resonate with him most strongly now are those from the dark future.

Luckily for him, according to his memories from the fixed future (which eventually catch up to him… probably the next day? Once the group on the Pinnacle descends and gets the chance to rest and re-group with the sableye gang) he had already more or less left home in order to follow in his father’s footsteps as… a member of the Planetary Investigation Team? Who work under Dialga? Huh. Well, okay then. So basically as far as that goes, he and the others just decide to continue on their way and just make the new base which I’ve already posted on my tumblr… uh… quite a while ago.

It was admittedly a shock for his family when they finally figured out that he wasn’t just a normal grovyle, but THE Grovyle from the famous Paula’s story, but they’re taking things in stride. And I’m still deciding whether or not one of his new-ish female family members is named Laura (for… reasons—which in this case are actually personal and related to the original Laura, and not just because of the way the name spiked in popularity after the story got told. Not that the spike was necessarily that large to begin with, mind you, given all the strange naming conventions that pokemon in this world can have—some do give their kids personal names, some just stick with species names).

The thing about the memories, though… for some reason there seems to be a strange omission when it comes to the fate of a certain human turned treecko… which does get resolved later, but for quite a while it is very unclear what actually happened to her, and most assume that she died at the time the future was saved. The whole situation is both sad and weird, and it will be quite a while before it gets cleared up to anyone in the future—Dialga included, oddly enough. Chalk another one up to the person performing this miracle being new to this and mostly winging it—a familiarization with the concept and minimal basics, if you will.

But it ends up not really being enough of a problem that Relatia will need to come and smooth things out once she finally regained access to the world, so at least there’s that.

And roughly a third of the issues probably come from other weird things that will happen in the past/present with Paula, Laura, and the others over the course of the World’s Treasure, so there’s that, too.

Wow, this ended up really long… why can’t it be this easy to write the essays that I have to do for school?

#the world's treasure #grovyle #spoilers #pokemon mystery dungeon #explorers of sky #wow this got long

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i-want-to-bethlieve · 5 years

Text

Steve Rogers’ Ending and its Horrible Implications

Let me start by saying I was very disappointed with the entire Avengers Endgame movie. I didn’t like the plot, the humor, or the action, but I feel the ending for Captain America perfectly encapsulates everything wrong with the movie; not enough thought was put into it. This is basically all of the gripes I have with Steve’s ending. It’s late, but I had to get it all out.

The writers (Markus and McFeely) and the directors (Russo Brothers) don’t even agree on what happened to Steve at the end of the movie. Which is pretty embarrassing considering they worked together on this story for 4 movies. The Russo Brothers say Steve Rogers goes back in time and creates an alternate timeline. He marries Peggy, and is free to change whatever he wants because it has no effect on the main timeline of the MCU. As for explaining how Steve was able to show up on a park bench in the main timeline at the end, their only non-answer is “maybe there is a story there”. In other words, they don’t know. Markus and McFeely say Steve goes back in time, marries Peggy, and lives out his life in the main MCU timeline, which is why he just shows up on a bench at the end of the movie without using the time machine. To them Steve has apparently been Peggy’s husband this whole time.

The most disappointing thing about either ending is the character assassination of Steve Rogers. Whatever scenario you choose to believe, Steve Rogers makes an incredibly selfish choice to go be with Peggy. Steve knew Peggy had moved on and had a family. She tells him she has no regrets about that part of her life. He saw her children and knew she was married, but he goes back to be with Peggy anyway, which shows him blatantly disregarding the life she made without him. He makes the decision to change her life without any thought about what she wanted. It was all about his own happiness. Never mind that they shared only 1 kiss before being separated. Never mind that two of his teammates just died to restore the current universe he was living in. Never mind that his two closest friends literally came back from the dead a minute ago. All of that was disregarded so Steve could live in his fantasy. That is what Peggy was for Steve at that point. She is more an idea than an actual person because they just didn’t know each other well enough. They were never a couple. They never went on a date. It was all speculation. A ‘what-could-have-been’ for both of them. I’m not saying there was no love between them. They played important parts in each others lives, but Steve believes she is “the love of his life” and doesn’t seem to care whether she felt the same way about him. She was happily married with no regrets. How does he know her husband (who Steve wouldn’t know was himself if you believe the writers) was not the love of her life? Honestly, if you look at this decision from anyone's perspective other than Steve’s it is all very horrible.

When you break down both the writers and directors’ theories the story only falls apart even more. Lets say you believe the Russo brothers and think Steve created an alternate timeline. In this scenario Steve can do whatever he wants because he intentionally created an alternate reality to live in. We can assume he is able to prevent many tragedies from happening (stops Bucky from becoming the Winter Soldier, stops Howard and Maria from dying, prevents Hydra from taking over SHIELD etc.) and the movie shows us he gets married to Peggy. This seems great on the surface, but the minute you start thinking about how the story would have to play out to get there, it becomes a bitter pill to swallow. In order to marry Peggy, our Steve Rogers (OSteve) had to keep alternate universe Steve Rogers (AUSteve) stuck in the ice for 70 years. That’s a pretty cold (ha) thing for OSteve to do, but it also means Peggy went along with it. You would think Peggy would want to go find AUSteve as soon as she realizes he survived the crash, and that would mean she wouldn’t want to marry OSteve because the man she just said goodbye to is out there alive somewhere. If Peggy marries OSteve we have to assume Peggy agreed to leave her Steve frozen for 70 years. There is also no reason to keep AUSteve in the ice except for selfish reasons. In this scenario OSteve prevents the events of the Captain America trilogy from happening, so Steve would not be needed in 70 years the same way he was in the main MCU timeline. OSteve and Peggy would knowingly choose to keep AUSteve frozen in the ice even though they have every ability to save him. That’s some skeleton in the closet.

In this alternate reality it is true Steve can save his friends, but it does not erase his friends in the original timeline, or the trauma they went through. Steve getting to "fix" everything he did not like about his life sounds great, but it is hollow if you abandon your old traumatized friends for new ones without baggage. He is really just living in fantasy land as far as anyone in the main timeline is concerned. No matter what he does, Steve does not belong in that alternate timeline. He has a life he is leaving behind with people who care about him, and who he is supposed to care about. Steve can pretend all he wants, but the alternate timeline is not "his" life. What would AUSteve think when he wakes up and finds out a man came from some alternate universe and stole his life, keeping him frozen for years when he could have been saved?

There is also the moral dilemma of playing god. Is creating an alternate universe for yourself okay just because you’ve been a good guy in the past? You have to be pretty arrogant to think you are good enough to create a universe for your own happiness. Is it okay to have the supposedly most moral character in the series do this? Does it go against everything the character is supposed to stand for? We watched Thor and Tony speak to their dead parents without attempting to save them. Why is that? Why does everyone except Steve have to avoid creating alternate timelines? Why are we worried about the consequences of messing with time travel when apparently there are none? The directors did not care enough to ask themselves these questions, and Steve Rogers’ character, and the movie, suffers for it. The Russos created an arrogant, and selfish Steve Rogers who is willing to change Peggy’s world to the one he wants without knowing if she would want that too.

If you believe the writers and think Steve went back in time and was Peggy’s husband all along, things still don’t add up. First of all, Steve going back in time would change the past, meaning there would have to be an alternate timeline. It makes no sense given the rules of time travel Endgame gave us, that Steve did not create an alternate timeline when he went back in time. Second of all, the reveal that Steve was Peggy’s husband all along does not fit into what we saw in any of the previous Captain America movies (written and directed by the same people who made Endgame). In ‘Captain America: the Winter Soldier’ the video at the Smithsonian shows Peggy mentioning Steve saved her husband during the war. Why would she say that if Steve has been her husband the whole time? She has to be lying about that, even though there is no reason for her to be saying any of this at all. In the same movie Peggy tells Steve her only regret is knowing Steve never got the chance to live his life. This doesn’t make sense because she knows he will get the chance to live his life. Yes I know that part can be explained away because Peggy seems to be suffering from some for of dementia or alzheimer's, but this opens another plot hole. We assume Steve was involved in Peggy’s life after he came out of the ice. How is it possible he never met her husband? In ‘Captain America: Civil War’ Steve goes to Peggy’s funeral. Are we meant to believe that Steve would not have given his condolences to Peggy’s husband? Steve being at her funeral also means Peggy’s friends and family are in on the lie too because no one mentions how strange it is that Peggy’s husband suddenly looks 50 years younger. And last but not least of this theory’s problems, if Steve was Peggy’s husband the whole time that would mean Sharon Carter knowingly makes out with her uncle. Yikes! Personally I refuse to give that theory any credibility. The writers clearly did not plan this ending from the beginning. Unless of course they are just that bad at their job.

Besides breaking all of the time travel rules Avengers Endgame established, the writer’s theory also fails to keep Steve in character. Steve “I can’t stand aside when I see a situation going south” Rogers would have to stand aside his entire life knowing Natasha and Bucky were becoming brainwashed assassins killing countless people, including Tony Stark’s parents. He knows that his wife is working with Hydra agents who will undermine everything she helped build with SHIELD and kill countless people. He has to live with knowing every horrible thing that will happens in the MCU, and do nothing to prevent it. That life for Steve does not sound like a happily ever after ending to me. In ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’ it is established skinny Steve is constantly getting beat up because he can’t stand by and watch someone be disrespectful, or allow injustice to prevail. So what character growth did the writers give Steve at the end of Endgame? He has grown over these last 11 years into a man that chooses a life where he has to stand aside knowing his friends are suffering? He leaves his friends in a present where the world is rebuilding to go live in a past where he can kick back and relax while injustice rages around him. Is that the type of character growth you want to see for Steve Rogers?

It is a huge mess no matter which way you slice it. And the whole thing is so contrived. Bucky, who has been at the center of the Captain America trilogy, does not get a proper reunion or goodbye scene with Steve. Steve does not have a moment to mourn Bucky or Sam during the entire movie. Instead we have multiple scenes of Steve looking at the picture of Peggy he keeps in the compass. He doesn’t mention losing Bucky or Sam when speaking to a therapy group about moving on after the snap. Instead he brings up losing Peggy aka "the love of his life". That was done not because it is true to the character, but so the audience would be more likely to accept Steve’s ending. If we saw a movie where Steve misses his friends and desperately wants to get them back, the ending would not work. Steve leaving them just after getting them back would feel out of place, and inappropriate. So the writers and directors committed the ultimate story telling sin and forced the characters to fit inside their story, instead of creating a story to fit the characters. It is a huge injustice to fans who have invested years into watching these movies. Steve Rogers’ story ends without him experiencing any growth at all. Steve’s entire journey is disregarded in a way because he has not gained anything important enough to stay in the present for. He is still longing for the past after all this time, and if you disagree, think about this. Even after returning to Peggy in the 1940s, Steve remains a man out of time. He does not belong in 1940 more than he belongs in 2023. That is some other person’s life he is living. A life he was never meant to have because he chose to sacrifice it. Choosing to take it back undoes everything we are suppose to love about Steve Rogers.

Many people argue that Steve deserves to be selfish for once. He has earned the right to go and live the life he wants. I say those people are just in denial about how badly the movie screwed up Steve’s character. All of the Avengers have earned the right to retire if they want to, and Steve could retire (though I would still argue it was out of character). If the writers and directors wanted Steve to end with making a decision for his own self-interest, retirement would have been a great option. But that is not what we got. He didn’t just make a decisions for his own self interest, he literally created an entire universe where his happiness was the priority. That is out of character for Steve. Steve Rogers is beloved because he is not selfish. He is beloved because he wants to do the right thing, even when doing the right thing is difficult (especially when doing the right thing is difficult). Steve is suppose to be the character willing to do “whatever it takes” to help people. Not do whatever it takes to get his own happy ending. So while Steve getting his dance is a lovely image to end on, the Russo brothers, Markus, and McFeely had to destroy everything you love about the character to get him there. That is not a good or satisfying ending.

#anti endgame #anti steve rogers #i guess #anti endgame steve #avengers endgame #fuck that movie #endgame critique #anti russo brothers #anti markus and mcfeely #had to get this off my chest #had this in my drafts for a long time #but I don't want to think about it anymore #so here it is

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xhold-on-tightstay-stongx · 5 years

Text

I have another rant... sorry

So... I have been off my meds for a while... and it's been causing problems between me and my family... I'm not off of them by choice... I lost my insurance and have been having problems with the insurance company. So anyways, I baby sit some little kids that live next door to me and I do it so I can have some extra money and be an overall good person and maybe even be a good mom someday... but, the thing is, my mom and I have been doing nothing but fight the last few days and I often find myself wondering if it's because I haven't had all the medications that keep my brain functioning like a normal persons... even more, I know that it in all reality is my fault we're fighting so much. I spend a lot of time on my phone and doing stuff for other people that it's like I dont do anything for my mom. But I would do anything for her if she wanted me... I dont know if I am intentionally trying to build up walls around myself to make it less painful for when I leave or if I am trying to distance myself because I don't want her to see how shitty I've been doing lately. I love her with my whole heart that every time we fight I end up crying and thinking she hates me... which I know isnt true and I know that she loves me and supports whatever I do in my life. But we still fight and argue and everything is a mess because I cant function like a normal adult because I can't control my moods or emotions or stay focused on something. And that's the major problem for me... I get distracted and then I end up going into my own little world of whatever and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to be a good daughter... I've been trying to be better than I was yesterday for the last 5 years. Some days I'm good at it... some days I utterly suck at it... I've only had one big achievement in my life and that was getting past the ideation and the self harm and made it to the next day. All my other achievements were pretty minor... I graduated on time... I started college... I turn 20 tomorrow... but honestly... what I really want is to be able to make my mom happy and it not be a constant fight between her and I anymore. I dont like fighting with her and I don't like knowing that it could have been avoided if I was just able to function normally. I would love for a day where it could be just me and my mom without her feeling bad or me feeling bad and for us to get along and for us to have fun together again... I miss being able to go do things with her and not stressing out about if things got done at home or if my dad will be in a bad mood when he gets home or anything like that. I want to be able to have my mom back to where we used to be... before I was fucked up and had to rely on my medications to make me feel normal and for me to feel like I wasn't on the edge of a mental explosion constantly or waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I miss the days when things weren't bad and when it was ok for us to argue about something and then we would make up with an "I'm sorry" and a hug. Now any more it's an "I'm sorry" and it gets twisted around into something even worse than before.

I know it sounds prolly stupid to alot of people and like an excuse for my actions and why I've been such a shitty person and lousy daughter but I have been dealing with Bi-polar type 2 for the last 5 years, anxiety, different forms of depression, insomnia and, constant migraines, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and have been on medications for all of this since the diagnosis. 5 years ago, I wanted to kill myself it was for reasons that I don't want to get into at the moment. I spent a week in the hospital getting the help I needed and my mom was always right there with me saying that we would get through it together. And we have, but lately it's just felt like she's tired of my shit... I try and get things done for her, but I either don't do it right or I start one thing then move to another then another and then another and one project never gets finished before another one starts or I get distracted by something and I forget to do what she asked...

I know that she feels under appreciated and like she does nothing but clean, but without her being the amazing woman she is I would never have gotten as far as I am now and I wish she would understand that.

I feel like such a horrible daughter because I can never do things the right way or I inevitably start a fight for something minor. And I was even told by one of my doctors that I tend to lash out at the people I care most about and trust the most as a defense mechanism and because I know that they wont leave me for it... but I still feel like I am the one who is the problem when I have little control over things that I do...

I hope people reading this will understand that I am not just some entitled little brat that is bitching because her mommy yelled at her.

I am writing this because I need to get what is eating at me out and hopefully someone will care enough to check in on me but if not that's ok too.

I also want people to understand something. I've almost lost my mom 4 different times. The first time was the night my little sister was born... my mother almost died that night along with my sister. She was in an accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance and was really hurt for along time. Third time was an accident that should have killed her, it is a honest miracle that I still have her to this day. She was rear eneded at 55mph while she was at a dead stop and she suffered from head trauma amongst other things. The fourth was right after she was in the last accident. She had a severe allergic reaction to the nerve pain medication that they gave her. I said that I wouldn't be as strong as I was or where I am in my life without her. And that's why.

I am a total mommy's girl. And I can't imagine a world without her in it.

I wish she knew that though. I wish she knew that she is my entire world and my heart stops every time I hear sirens and that she is my hero. My mom is my best friend and the woman I look up to most in the world and some day I hope to be just like her. Strong and resilient. She's been my rock when my world was being swept away and she held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok when I wanted to die. I wish she could see the amazing woman I see when I see her.

I know that this rant was a bit all over the place but I really needed to get everything out...

#possible triggers #trigger warning #rant #sorry i needed to vent #anxeity #bipolar #adhd #depression #my thoughts

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moonfireflight · 6 years

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6 10 & 25 for Saeyoung! those options are all so cute

Thank you for your patience, @itsmeohmyo ! I got a little carried away xD

Mystic Messenger - Saeyoung Choi Romance Headcanons

6. How they go about confessing their attraction

Since we’ve already gotten to see how Saeyoung confessed his attraction in the game, I’m trying to think of a fun way to answer this one.

This popped into my head the other night. It’s either an alternate reality, or sometime before the last time he had to “disappear”.

***

Saeyoung sat on the floor, his primary PC laid out in it’s individual parts before him. Yep, that confirmed it. The power supply was dead. At least it wasn’t the motherboard. The hard drive wasn’t a worry as he had that data backed up in triplicate.

You know, the one with the cat pictures. Obviously.

He sighed and got dressed, ready to trek down to a local PC repair shop so he could make his purchase in cash. Besides, he liked the place. It was always quiet.

As soon as he opened the door, he stopped dead in his tracks. There was a new employee. A female employee. He felt like the temperature in the room had gone up several degrees and he was waiting for his heart to start again when she turned to smile at him and welcome him to the shop.

He stood there confused for a few moments and pointed at himself, and squeaked out a tiny “me?”

She laughed, sweetly and melodically with no malice. “Of course! You’re the first customer I’ve had all day!”

He finally got his bearings and let the 707 mask slide back into place. He strode into the shop and looked around a bit before saying, “well, that’s just not right. Kids these days and their Alienwares and their other prebuilt garbage. They just don’t understand the joy of building your own machine.” He glanced up at her, curious about her thoughts on the matter. Did she just work there, or was she also an enthusiast?

She smiled and nodded in agreement, gushing about her current machine, and how it just feels so much better to know you’d done the work yourself. As well as the satisfaction of booting up a new build for the first time.

Saeyoung just stared at her until she trailed off nervously. “Um, sorry. I just get really enthusiastic about this sort of thing. That’s why I took over the shop from my brother. He was bored with it and never really enjoyed…”

He cut her off suddenly, surprising himself. “Never apologize for that. There’s nothing I love more than seeing someone being passionate about their favorite thing. It’s beautiful. Whoever taught you to feel bad about that is an idiot.”

Realizing he might have gone too far, he laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair, making it even messier than usual. “Um. Well. Anyway… my power supply died a horrible suffering death this morning and I came here for a replacement.”

She had to take a breath to recover from her sudden shyness as well, and finally said, maybe a little too loudly, “I have just the thing!” before running to the back room beyond the counter.

“Saeyoung. What the hell are you doing?” he muttered under his breath. His heart was still racing. Was it all of the Dr. Pepper he’d consumed this morning? The early signs of heat stroke? Heart failure? There had to be a logical reason for this that didn’t involve the cute girl who…

… oh

She returned to the counter and placed a box in front of him, rattling off information about the specs and pricing. He wasn’t even really listening, but he nodded along, until she said, “by the way, my name is ____.”

Before his brain could catch up, much to his dismay, the following words tumbled out of his mouth:

“Hi ____, I’m single.”

-FACEPALM-

“I’m Luciel, and I’m a giant idiot who will purchase this power supply and then vanish forever into my cave in complete embarrassment. Thank you.”

He was too busy staring intently at the countertop to see that she was absolutely brimming with happiness. She carefully slid the receipt into the small portion of the counter that was his current field of vision. Above the printed text was a phone number and a tiny heart scrawled with green glittery ink..

Saeyoung’s head snapped up and he met her eyes, feeling like he would drown in that smile. “Well,” she said. “There’s a condition for purchasing that, you know?”

“Huh?” He blinked in confusion.

“You have to come out of your cave again sometime soon, okay?”

Nodding slowly, his brain finally caught up. “Ah, yeah. That sounds nice.” He looked around the shop again approvingly, before focusing on her again, grinning slyly. “The outside world isn’t that bad after all. Some things make leaving my cave worthwhile.”

***

10. Personality traits they find attractive

A sense of humor (bonus points if you laugh easily over cheesy jokes) and the ability to laugh at yourself, kindness and empathy, intelligence, with a hefty pinch of perviness. He doesn’t need someone who’s a ray of sunshine every minute. He’d find grumpiness adorable so long as you are sweet to him and don’t intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings.

25. My Muse’s thoughts on their experience / skill in bed

So… I probably think about this probably more than is healthy, let’s be real.

In “The Crime of Freedom” I made Saeyoung a virgin at the time of the story for the sake of letting me be a real bastard to the poor man (I’m sorry, Sae!). It’s easy to headcanon him as one before meeting MC, since he’s Catholic, an oddball, a nerd etc.

But I feel like his lines in his after ending are a little too suave and sure of himself for that to really be the case. I mean this line: “I want to hold you tight and love you all night so that you can remember me forever. Will you let me?” If he were unsure of himself, I feel like he wouldn’t have asked that so much as just starting kissing MC and seeing where it led, with a lot of “are you ok?”s and “is this OK?”s and plenty of “are you sure?”s.

My headcanon is that back in college, when he was training to be an agent, knowing that he wasn’t able to form lasting connections with anyone, maybe he had a fling or three, just stressed out people in a pressure cooker environment needing to blow off steam. Hell, maybe he assumed he might end up in some 007 scenarios where being completely inexperienced would blow his cover or ruin the mission.

What about now in “I Could Teach You” canon? You make him feel like God Seven. Knowing that he can take a strong woman like you and turn you into a moaning, twitching mess is his absolute drug of choice. As he struggles from time to time with self esteem and depression, he doesn’t always feel this way, but you are good at putting a lot of those fears to bed, so to speak.

#mystic messenger headcanons #707 #luciel choi #saeyoung choi #mystic messenger #romance headcanons #I kind of went overboard with this oops #moonie writes

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holographicstatic · 3 years

Text

TESTIMONY

It was a Friday night, April 5th, 2019.

I’m at El Rey on U street, having a few cold ones by myself. Just got off work, taking it easy…

Then, I end up running into and old “friend” I used to hangout with. Known him for about 7 years at the time: (Dave) - tall, black, dreads, above average build.

After a couple of drinks, he asks if I want to hangout at one of his friends house. Said we can smoke there and that she has a lot of drugs.

So I accepted cuz I was originally going to let the night unravel on it’s own and it didn’t sound like such a bad idea at the time.

It was a habitual routine I developed during my heartache…

I’d go out alone, run into a group of people I knew, bar hop ‘til we ended up at an after hours spot (or someone’s place) and shamelessly sleep my next day away.

So we get to the front of his friend’s building and it’s like a 60sumn-year-old lady:

At first, I thought it was a descriptive-type of tattoo. Like, she was saying that that’s what she was.

But in retrospect, it was almost like it was something she was saying to me - you’ll see what I mean later, if you don’t get it now.

Oblivious to what was about to happen next, I continued to walk through that door…

Something felt off, but I just figured it would be something low-level weird.

Now, I’ve already had a good amount of spiritual experiences at this point (good and bad), but for some reason I just didn’t think anything like this would happen…at least not to me.

I thought I had it all figured out, cuz I thought I’d seen it all - or at least enough.

I should’ve known though…I was just so emotionally numb at the time, I was doing anything to feel anything.

I mean aesthetically, she looked like she’d have a few good stories or something. Needless to say by now, but I ignored the red flags.

So, moving forward…