#mentioning hypersexuality just made me want to make the reminder | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cheesesoda · 2 months

Text

calling you out based on your favorite triplet!

it’s ya girl back at it again with the call out posts

cw: mentions of mental health issues, sexual trauma, and EDs

nick: if you’re a nick girl/boy/person, i get the feeling you’re the oldest. you sometimes tend to feel sorry for yourself and then you feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself and it becomes a vicious cycle. you probably have either dealt with body image issues or an eating disorder (idk every nick person i’ve met has dealt with that). you’re probably pretty insecure and you constantly compare yourself to all your friends and it’s tearing you apart. you have a hard time accepting compliments because you simply don’t believe them. i think there’s a lot you don’t talk about but then you blame others for your secrecy and feel bad for yourself, as if they just don’t understand. maybe try letting people in and let them have a shot at trying to understand you. you’re not an enigma.

songs you remind me of:

prom queen by beach bunny

not strong enough by boygenius

idontwannabeyouanymore by billie eilish

sippy cup by melanie martinez

orange juice by melanie martinez

tv by billie eilish

matt: if you’re a matt girl/boy/person, you’re probably the quietest one of the group. you possibly grew up without many friends and you often feel left out or unseen. you were the quiet kid and never really talked. you’re very nurturing and you try to take care of all your friends because you want them to know you see them. you’ve most likely dealt with mental health issues (specifically anxiety and/or depression). you tend to overthink a lot and you probably have a lot more to say than you actually say. you were probably the one who walked on the grass, the one who was the photographer but never in the photo, and the one who sat alone at lunch. as a kid, you went unnoticed but now you’re not. as a result, you end up purposely excluding yourself from your current friend group(s) because it’s what you’re used to and then you end up isolating yourself but you don’t realize that you’re doing it to yourself. i hope you’ll see that people do notice you and they do care about you. you’re not invisible.

songs that remind me of you:

the archer by taylor swift

chosen last by sara keys

letter to my 13 year old self by laufey

nobody by mitski

afraid by the neighbourhood

everything i wanted by billie eilish

chris: if you’re a chris girl/boy/person, i think you grew up too quickly. you probably had to start looking out for yourself at way too young of an age and now you have a hard time accepting nurturing and loving treatment. i get the feeling that you were sexualized from a young age too and you probably have some sexual trauma. as a result, you act hypersexual because it’s what you’ve been made to believe you’re supposed to be. people don’t take you seriously, probably because you are the funny one or the pretty one but you’re actually very observant and analytical. you notice things most people don’t. you’ve often been the butt of the joke in the friend group so now you make fun of everyone else before they can make fun of you. you might come off as mean but i think you’re just scared of being vulnerable. you definitely have commitment issues which probably stems from your childhood trauma (including but not limited to family issues). you end up getting yourself into dangerous or unhealthy or self destructive situations because it’s what you’re used to and you think it’s what people expect from you. you don’t have to follow your self fulfilled prophecy. you don’t have to be what others tell you that you are.

songs that remind me of you:

goddess by laufey

labyrinth by taylor swift

safeword by tv girl

don’t miss me by claire rosinkranz

brand new city by mitski

first love/late spring by mitski

#cheesesodaspeaks #christopher sturniolo #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nick sturniolo x reader #sturniolo triplets

654 notes · View notes

livingbrother · 23 days

Text

LO and it's portrayal of S/A

A rant by someone who just finished EP. 98 and is incredibly furious

Cw: Mentions of S/A, it's effects, too much swearing, ED mention, personal stuff that happened to yours truly, lots of other stuff too, just no idea what to tag it as

Don't read this if you're not mentally doing well, I don't want you getting hurt because of my post, I love you, feel better soon

Boy. Oh fucking boy. I just got through episode 98 of this shit show and, I'll just say, I am beyond furious. Livid, in fact.

For context, I am a survivor or sexual abuse and mental abuse, I have dealt with those who act sort of like Apollo, I was never raped, but I was molested as a child. I, as a survivor, feel nothing but rage at how Rachel portrayed Apollo being a rapist. The way he acts is incredibly unrealistic for an abuser, as somebody who dealt with two abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I'm not saying everyone who has NPD are villains, I'm just saying what I went through), I see what Rachel was trying, but oh so tragically failed, to do. He tried to control, manipulate, and gaslight Persephone. Only for none of it to work, that's not how ANY of it fucking works!

Where is the fucking control, other than just fucking raping her? I get he wants to take the power away from her and be the one to control her, but I've seen none of that! I get she has PTSD over it (I'LL GET TO THIS POINT AGAIN). I NEVER GOT THE SENSE THAT SHE WAS POWERLESS EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SCENE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER QUESTION IF THAT WAS HIS INFLUENCE PICKING HER DRESSES, OR FUCKING EVEN HER FOOD! WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH ONE OF MY ABUSERS, SHE'D PICK OUT MY OUTFITS, ONE'S I HATED, AND I STILL CHOOSE SOME OF THOSE OUTFITS, TO THIS DAY! WHERE WAS HER LOSS OF CONTROL? SHE NEVER FELT ISOLATED, SHE NEVER FELT LIKE SHE WAS TRAPPED. YES. SHE WAS TRAPPED IN THAT ONE ROOM WITH HIM, BUT EVEN THEN! SHE HAD LEVERAGE OVER HIM WITH THE FUCKING LYRE. Ugh.

About her realizing she was raped, um. Excuse me? A lot of victims don't realize they were raped or abused until like, months or years later. I'm glad for the ones who instantly realized it, good for them. Given Persephone's personality and experience with the world, she wouldn't have known it was rape because she's not accustomed to dating and sexual culture. On top of that, she isn't really seen actually distressed when she remembers, oh, and lets not forget that she WAS FUCKING FINE WITH TOUCH AND PHYSICAL FLIRTING DAYS AFTER HER ASSAULT. Let me remind you that I have been through this thing myself, you do not just omg I was just assaulted! time to go let someone touch me! Nonono, you spend years jumping when people touch you, years of moving when someone tries to grab your shoulder, years of pushing someone's hand off your arm, years screaming when you get a hug. And then, maybe from flashbacks, maybe from googling things, you discover you were molested! And then it alllllll makes sense. I understand if she became hypersexual, cause same, but that usually doesn't set in until a good long while.

I also hate how Apollo is written, he should have stayed as a shitty ex boyfriend or whatever the fuck Rachel was gonna make him, he just comes across as a cartoonish villain than an abuser. The man just fucking rubs his hands together and fucking goes I'll get you next time my pretty! I fucking HATE his writing so goddamn much. I understand wanting to make him pushy, egotistical, and insecure, they're some of the hallmarks of the pushy nice guy she was going for. But when it comes to him being abusive, it's like watching a bad joke. Rapists don't usually, you know, CATCH FEELINGS FOR THEIR VICTIM (correct me if I'm wrong), unless it's to lure them back in to hurt them again. She made him so obviously evil it hurts, abusers don't usually act that way, they put on a pretty smile, act kind, and behind closed doors, act shitty. I respect 97-98 for getting that part right, but too many times, too many fucking times Rachel has gotten that wrong. I have dealt with this myself, my mother did this exact thing, she even put on the pretty smile for me so even I, somebody who knew he was being tormented, questioned whether or not I was being abused! We never see this with Persephone! We never see her getting gaslit with this, she never questions her reality! She knows everything that's going on for sure! I know what Rachel was aiming for, and she failed miserably!

God, on top of this, we never really get to see Persephone's PTSD unless the story fuckin says Apollo's here! She's never really fucking affected by her rape, we don't see her jump from touches, refuse sexual advanced from Hades, yeah, sure, we see her afraid of camera flashes, but that's about it!!!!!!!! She never really experiences the effects of s/a! I developed an ED and agoraphobia from my abuse! Where the fuck is that?! That would have been a lot more fucking interesting than the slop we fucking got!

I know I've missed some things, but I need to calm down before I pop a blood vessel. I might revisit this post when I'm less angry, I just needed to rant.

#lo critical #anti lore olympus #anti lo #rant post #rant #cw s/a #cw: ed #huge ass content warning

31 notes · View notes

alostlittleriverlotus · 2 years

Text

I have mentioned I have high empathy or am hyperempathetic. And yes, that is true. I have also mentioned I have gaps in my empathy, often caused by trauma or my disorders. But how I have come to see it is I have fluctuating empathy. While yes, I am hyperempathetic lots of the time, it is t just gaps. It's like sometimes it's entirely different. Even situations that can be where I'd normally feel so deeply that it could give me a panic attack, I feel cut off.

I don't know if there's a real term for this, but I am aware it is trauma based. Obviously my empathy has never been perfect lol, but it genuinely changes as much as my moods. It reminds me of my aceflux. Sometimes one thing can make me feel sex repulsed and another time it's hypersexual or it's just normal or just none. And that's how it's come to feel with my empathy. Yes I'm naturally hyperempathetic, my childhood proves that, but due to the trauma I've faced, how I developed, and how unstable my identity is, I sort of just change. I just feel fluctuating empathy describes it. I see other autistic folks and people with C-PTSD mention they experience this and asking if others do too. So I know it's trauma based. It's just some thoughts I had. Seeing One/Henry be revealed in the Stranger Things episode tonight sort of made me really think about it. Cause normally that much death, blood, etc. would make me have a panic attack. Because I've had them before. But I looked at them and I felt nothing. No usual pain in my body like before, no sickness, not triggers.

It happens with true crime too. Sometimes I can't even think about it without nearly having a breakdown and imagining myself in those spots and it nearly destroying me emotionally and then other times I'll only be slightly affected and sometimes not at all. And it's confused me for a while. But I think I'm coming to understand it.

Apologies is this is poorly worded, it is also an extremely simplified explanation. I also struggle to explain how things can feel in me as they are abstract and often just experiences. Not to mention how I feel I have to rationalize to avoid being berated or mocked because of trauma. So I tried my best to explain it and I'm still coming to understand it myself. But right now it was on my mind and I felt like saying something.

Minor spoilers for Stranger Things season 4. When you see the "💜💜💜" then that's the end of them and anything below it is safe to read!

ALSO WHERE WERE THE LIES IN *ANYTHING* ONE/HENRY SAID?!?!?! I GET HE'S THE VILLAIN, BUT WHAT HE SAID IS VERY TRUE ABOUT OUR WORLD! HE LITERALLY JUST DESCRIBED HOW PEOPLE TREAT NEURODIVERGENT FOLKS AND LITERALLY EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS A MOOD!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, that is my rant.

💜💜💜

But fr. I just had it on my mind and thought to explain it. It really makes sense now to me. At least in some form. I used to feel so guilty and awful. And I'm glad other people experience it and I'm not alone even if it's not the exact same. Also I used Aceflux as a comparison because in my experiences, that's how the spectrum of empathy feels along with my spectrum of sexuality and sexual feelings. So to me, they are comparable. That is why I used that analogy.

So anyway, that's just my little thoughts tonight. I'ma go watch some more spooky shit. Laterz!

Edit: I wanted to add that some people have their hyperempathy shut off cause of burn out, but it isn't like that for me. Two scenarios can be the exact same and I just go into them differently. It feels like my aceflux, but it also feels like my BPD like how something can trigger me one second and then the next I'm like "dude what? It's totally fine. Whether it's like me or others, differences in empathy can happen! Empathy can be learned or emulated! It can be many different things! It's not some singular understood thing and it doesn't account for sympathy, compassion, or one's actions. It is simply one's ability to understand another's emotions in a different way. Fluctuating is entirely normal for some people, it may not even be trauma related, but mine is. That is just me. And wherever or however you experience empathy whether it's rarely, none, changing frequently, changing at burnout, high, average, often, whatever. You are incredibly valid and empathy really doesn't mean shit :p it's just something that people experience in vastly different ways and some may not experience it at all. Like hopeless romantics, those that need romantic relationships, those that feel little or feel it rarely, or feel no romantic attraction at all. It's another spectrum that a human may be anywhere on or ever fluctuating! And so there's nothing wrong with low, none, rare, or fluctuating empathy. Whether it's causes by trauma or just how you are or some burnout thing or rare instances of feeling or not feeling empathy, all incredibly valid! It's unique to you and no one can tell you what you feel or experience!

9 notes · View notes

farmverse · 7 months

Text

andif i posted writing. what th

cw; adult discussing his own hypersexuality and as a teenager, mentions of teen pregnancy

“My history is… complicated,” he says lamely. His new jeans are still stiff. He hasn’t properly worn in his boots yet. His only options with his jacket are to keep it on or hold it in his lap, and his prosthetic makes taking it off and putting it back on easier said than done anyway, but it’s uncomfortably warm in the uncomfortably quiet room.

“What isn’t, these days?” The man sitting across from him reminds him almost of his mother. His laminated nametag reads Dr. Marvin Campbell, and his blond hair is starting to thin, covered with a white little hat that Farm forgets the name of. “With that Scarab guy showing up and attacking the city, I mean. Since then, nothing has been the same.”

Farm examines his fingernails. Over the years, he’s mastered the art of biting them cleanly and evenly, since he can’t hold a set of clippers with the claw of his prosthesis. “My complications go back further than that, I’m afraid. I’m… like that Scarab guy, in a way.”

“That’s right — you and your family came from another timeline…” Dr. Campbell’s fingers move lightning-quick over his exceedingly loud keyboard. Maybe the horrible sound is supposed to help him type faster. “Your original world had magic, didn’t it?”

“Not always.” Farm’s kids aren’t here, so he doesn’t bother censoring himself. “I didn’t fuck with it. Tried to stay as far away as I could. At first, I just didn’t believe in it, but…”

Boy, that old fartbag sure proved you wrong, huh!

Technically, the so-called “Vampire Queen” hadn’t done much. That had been Finn.

Farm.

The crown.

And me!

Farm flexes his left hand forcefully, then shakes it out in an attempt to banish his nerves. It sort of works. Almost.

“…It did some shit to me that I’ve… just had to learn to deal with. And I didn’t always do the best or smartest thing. I-I know that. But I’ve… I’ve done my best. Tried to give my kids a safe childhood. Keep them clothed and fed and happy.”

“And that’s commendable. You should be proud of that, Farm.”

He wants to believe it, but it feels empty.

“…But I’ve also done some things I’m not proud of.” He sighs heavily. “When I was a teenager, I put on a magic crown that granted me ice powers and fractured my psyche. I… hurt a lot of people. My own family included. And, afterwards, I made some particularly bad choices.” He shifts. “I think I felt like… I had ruined the morale of the people around me. So I had to boost it, somehow. And, one thing led to another…”

“What do you mean by that?”

“…Please don’t make me say it.”

“I just want to make sure we’re on the same page, here.”

Farm meets Dr. Campbell’s gaze, at once both reluctant and deliberate. “I told people to use me however they wanted. And they did. And I-” (Fuck, why is his throat choking?)

Dr. Campbell is so fucking patient. The look he’s giving Farm now is the same look Minerva Mertens gave him when he first tried to tell her at sixteen that she was going to be a grandmother. But he’d thrown up and stumbled out, and she had never known.

Deep breath. Slow down. Cool off. You got this.

When he tries to speak again, he manages to keep his voice level. “…I gave birth to my first son when I was seventeen. I still don’t know who his other parent is.”

There’s a brief pause before the next question. “How old is he now?”

The question nearly makes him flinch. Its silly, really. But he answers anyway, because to hide away from it would just be pathetic. “He’s almost fourteen. Does great in school, polite, good-hearted — he’s the reason we moved here, honestly. If he and Dez hadn’t snuck out, we’d probably all still be in Farmworld.”

“Farmworld?”

Farm blushes a little. “Uh, my original timeline.” He rubs the back of his neck, idly tucking his light hair back under his cap. “Fionna came up with the name, and it stuck.”

Dr. Campbell laughs. There’s a moment of recognition, like he’s just speaking with a friend’s father, before the veneer of professionalism goes back up over the conversation.

#yeah. um. no real plot. just a way to get my feelings out ig.#benefits of a creative system i guess?#there are so many small and dumb things hidden in here. anyway #farm speaking #farm tag #scrapbook #art time #fictblr

1 note · View note

abbatoirablaze · 2 years

Text

Fated, Chapter 4

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: mentions of sexual urges/smut A/B/O dynamics, mentions of knotting/spining, violence, mentions of blood and broken bones.

Jake felt amazing when he woke up. On top of the world even as he opened his eyes and saw the small water nymph tucked into his side, exhausted from the very satisfying sexual encounter last night. He moved some of her light hair out of her face and she snuggled tighter against him rather than facing the light. Jake felt like he’d been given a dozen shots of adrenaline the way his heart swelled in his chest.

He'd done everything perfectly last night. He’d been the perfect alpha. Praising her for taking him so well. Giving her his knot multiple times. Providing the right amount of aftercare to lull her to sleep after the exhaustion of their activities. Jake knew he was only this hyperactive because he’d missed his pills yesterday, and had no intention of taking them again, and had expected to feel a breakthrough rut. But he hadn’t expected to be so hypersexual so quickly.

Jake smiled, “little nymph…”

A small giggle came from her lips as her fingers danced across his chest, before dipping beneath the blankets. Jake playfully growled at her, and she opened her eyes; bright blue orbs making Jake lose focus momentarily.

“D-do you want me to stop, master?”

“What?”

Jake looked at the little nymph, confused, “what?”

She removed her hand from his abs, “I-you froze…d-do you not want me to touch you master?”

He looked at her scared eyes and he shook his head, “I-I like it when you touch me…a-a lot. Wolves are very physically charged. I will always want you touching me, little nymph…I-I just got lost in your eyes…you are so beautiful, Rain. And I feel like a very lucky alpha to have been able to acquire you.”

“Oh,” she smiled softly. A blush tinged her cheeks pink and she bit down on her lip, “I-I thought I offended you or something.”

“Never…never, sweetheart…” Jake smiled, his hands reaching up to grab the nymph once more, “what do you say that we get up and have some breakfast…then I can take you to the basement and show you the fortified rooms for each of you. You can stay in yours if you like, just as your sisters will have the option, or you can stay with me...”

“Okay!”

None of the brothers bothered to go with Jake or Rain down to the basement. They were all discussing the best plan of action for the volcano. Rain had informed them that Ember lived with a colony of fire nymphs, and that it could potentially be difficult. And while Curtis was adamant that he wasn’t going to be involved in helping them, he had managed to laugh at their attempts at creating plans, calling them every name in the book as he taunted them.

But the brothers quickly stopped arguing when they heard Jake and Rain going at it again. Curtis sneered, and made himself scarce, while Steve gave a pointed look to Ari.

“What?”

“The grumpy bear is right.”

“I’m not talking about that, Steve.”

“He’s getting awfully attached, really quick,” Johnny added, leaning back against the counter, “they went at it just about all last night…I hardly slept.”

“I slept perfectly fine,” Ari lied, ignoring his youngest brother. He looked to the basement and shook his head, “listen…he just needs to get it out of his system, okay? He’s not taking the suppressants or blockers, so we might be dealing with this for a little while.”

Steve’s jaw clenched and Ari knew that he was jealous. He saw the way that his younger brother looked at the water nymph. She was his type to a tee. His and Johnny’s. He rolled his eyes. Eager to please. Bubbly. Typical.

“Well, I’m not walking away from the volcano without Ember,” Johnny said quietly, “those two going at it is reminding me just how long it’s been since I’ve had some fun…”

“Get in line,” Ari groaned, “Steve and I get first shot at the next one we catch, “if I’m helping than we go by seniority.”

“Are you kidding me?”

Steve put a hand on his youngest brother’s chest as he looked at him, “he’s right…if either of us are attracted to the fire demon, we get her first.”

“Seriously?”

And in that moment the basement door opened, Jake holding the door open for the young water nymph who was positively swimming in his shirt. He gave her a playful smack on the ass as she passed him, her small frame waddling slightly as she walked a little off. Steve chuckled, knowing that it was probably because she was such a tiny thing and had taken his knot. And he suddenly had a moment of self-doubt and insecurity.

He was a big cat…

He didn’t have a knot.

Big cats spined.

Could a nymph handle that? Would she be able to handle that? He shook his head, knowing that he’d probably never have the opportunity if his younger brother was so truly taken by the young water nymph. But he felt the doubt weaving through him, pulling at him.

He became nervous as he stared at Jake getting the nymph settled into one of the chairs and then grabbing her a plate full of food and a glass of juice so that she was properly taken care of.

“Can a nymph handle spining?”

Jake nearly coughed up the juice that he’d been drinking from as he looked at his older brother. Ari and Johnny looked at Steve with a curious gaze before everyone’s attention turned to Rain.

“W-what?” Rain asked, her brows furrowing in confusion. Steve paled. Suddenly Steve regretted asking the question. But Johnny bit his lip, holding back his laughter. “W-what is spining?”

A few hours later, the avoidance of one very awkward question, and the re-planning of the original plan because Rain believed that if they attempted to get Ember the way they’d been planning for most of the morning that the fire nymph colony would murder them all, they ended up at the base of the volcano. And the lawyer was right. There was a thick plume of greying smoke that had been brewing, that they had been able to see for miles around.

Meanwhile, Jake had not so subtly been sniffing the air like mad. His eyes held a thin amber ring around the normally beautiful blue/green eyes. He hadn’t taken his suppressants and blockers and he was now on day two. The fact that he’d already been having sex like wild with Rain only escalated his oncoming rut. And while he wasn’t feeling the affects of it just yet, he knew that it was only a matter of time, as the smells had become so much more intense.

He could smell fire, cinnamon, and vanilla, and it reminded him of when he was younger, and how Steve and Curtis bonded with him because they were all large predator animals that preferred the forest, while Ari was a prey animal that preferred water, and Johnny was a fire-breathing air bound creature.

He looked over to Steve, who was far beyond paying attention to the excitable wolf. Ever since he blurted out his awkward question, he hadn’t been able to look at anyone, and had been extremely agreeable with whatever anyone suggested. When there was no real response from any of his brothers, he began to look at the volcano more closely. And he noticed the closer he got the more he was able to smell the fire, cinnamon, and vanilla. It made his wolf howl in delight.

MATE!

Jake’s eyes went wide as he looked back to the clearing where Ari, Johnny, Steve, and Rain were all standing, Ari leading the plan with Johnny, while Steve pretended to be paying attention. His attention, however, went to Rain. He’d spent the better part of the past eighteen hours fucking her brains out, and now that they were at the volcano, he could smell his mate.

What kind of alpha would do that? He bit his lip and a whine pushed itself from his throat.

Maybe he wasn’t cut out to be an alpha.

Maybe he didn’t deserve a mate.

“JAKE!” Ari called, waving his younger brother over, “get over here, before the fire nymphs see you…”

Jake was quick to rush to his brother’s side. And that’s when he noticed that Rain hadn’t looked at him once. Her eyes were locked onto Steve. She looked at him as though he were the most interesting thing in the world. And Jake bit his lip.

You’re not her alpha.

His gaze went back to the volcano, “my mate’s up there…I-I’m going up.”

Johnny raised his brow at his two oldest brothers. Ari put a hand on Jake’s shoulder, “we’re sticking to the plan, Jake...the volcano is too active. It could blow at any minute. We need to send Johnny up.”

“My mate is up there!” Jake repeated, not bowing down to his older brother’s orders. He looked to Rain, “the colony of fire nymphs is up there, right? RAIN!”

She jumped and nodded, finally looking away from Steve, “y-yes.”

“Well, if there’s a colony of them up there, it could be any of them,” he growled, “I-I’m not interested in her if she’s not my mate…but I can smell her. I can smell my mate, Ari.”

“You mean to tell me we’ve let you have your way with Rain and she-“

“Johnny!”

Jake bit his lip as Ari held Johnny’s words back. He knew that it made him seem like he couldn’t make up his mind. And honestly, had he been in their position, he probably would have thought that himself. But he could feel it in his bones. He knew that his mate was up there. He could smell her.

But it felt all too right. Johnny gave his older brother a warning look before shifting, and flying away from them, heading up towards the volcano. Steve, Rain, Ari, and Jake went back to the foot of the volcano to see Johnny flying around it. It was then that Rain spotted her sister.

“EMBER!”

Her head whipped over the ledge that she was perched on, and her eyes went wide.

Ari’s breath caught in his throat as he saw her. Even from the base of the volcano he could see her eyes lit up, glowing a bright white. The scraps that covered her body were simply that. Scraps. She had one band wrapped around her breasts, and nothing more than a faded loincloth covering her lower half. Her skin was covered in ashen designs, and a yellow/golden glow lit from beneath it. Her matted raven hair had a crown in it, dragon’s horns tied into it to make her seem more intimidating. And as Ari watched her tail curl around her, he was instantly in love.

She sneered, turning back to face the airborne intruder.

“Oh no,” Rain whimpered, her hands going up to her mouth. Johnny was looking for a place to land, a safe place to approach her, when he got too close and Embers’ tail caught him, ripping him from above, and sending him crashing to the ground, “JOHNNY!”

None of the men were quick enough to stop Rain as she ran up the volcano towards him. He had shifted back into his human form, and had a gash above his brow, and he was holding his arm. It was obvious that it was broken. Rain was quick to take Johnny’s face in her hands, tears already streaking her face as the top of the volcano blew, sending ash and rubble into the sky. The ground shook beneath them, but Johnny’s focus was on the little water nymph as he used his body to shield her.

“Hey, it’s okay!” he tried to reassure her, “I got ya, sweetheart, I-“

“Johnny, you’re hurt,” she whimpered. She tried to put herself under his good arm, so that he could use her to lean against as they walked back, after seeing that he had limped when trying to get up, “we have to leave, master…please…”

He agreed softly, but as the two of them got up, Ember saw the other fire nymphs preparing to shoot their arrows at them. Thinking on her feet, she did a baseball slide across the ledge she was on, and broke it, sending the ledge down into them. She used her tail to stab into the volcano side, and whip herself back around to a different ledge. Grabbing the arrows from her quiver, she shot at a few more of the nymphs, “THE WATER NYMPH IS MY KIN! CEASE FIRE!!”

A few of the fire nymphs shot her a look, especially after she’d taken out four of them without hesitation. And after a moment of arguing between them, she agreed to go down to them, and they would halt their ministrations. By the time she reached the base of the volcano, Rain had already deposited the weredragon off with a number of other men who looked similar to him.

Her breath hitched when she gazed at two of the men.

“EMBER!” Rain squealed, running towards her. She nearly tackled her in a hug, but her eyes didn’t leave the two brothers who weren’t checking up on the dragon. The older of the two, well over six feet tall, had oceanic eyes and a full beard. His hair was loose and shaggy. He reminded her of the ocean, and she couldn’t quite explain it. But it was strangely comforting.

And the younger, shorter spiked sandy hair, thick circular glasses, and a goatee, all resting on a well-built frame. He had to be a few inches shy of six feet, but he still would have towered over her; a small fire nymph. She could smell his scent. And she’d be lying to say that there wasn’t an obvious attraction as her thighs clenched together ever so slightly.

“You need to leave,” she said quickly, not breaking eye contact from the older brother, “they’ll hurt Rain if you don’t.”

Steve and Johnny’s eyes shot up at her words. But it was Jake that stepped forward with the necklace, some realization working its way onto his features as he unclasped it, “I’m not going anywhere without you, little mate.”

Meanwhile, back at the house, Curtis looked in the direction where he knew that his brothers were going to be. He could see the blackened smoke plumes from the volcano, as it had erupted mere moments before. Sighing to himself, he lifted his ax, ready to split more wood for the furnaces. Despite it being a warm day, winter would be coming soon, which meant that he would have to get the chores done.

And since he was a lumberjack by trade, there was no doubt in his mind that his brothers would ignore the wood chopping duties. But Curtis didn’t mind. As he lifted his ax once more, and split another log, he found himself in a moment of peace. Splitting the wood was his solace, his moments alone within nature, where he could take out his aggression and feel like part of the earth. It was cathartic.

He found that often with an ax in his hands or running through the woods. Only, Curtis didn’t know that for the past hour he hadn’t been alone, as a woodland nymph had been curiously studying him in his work.

Chapter 5

26 notes · View notes

traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

Note

tw for sexual assault, hypersexuality, and mention of csa. Looking for validation

Intrusive thoughts have been going through my head alot along with intrusive sexual thoughts. I end up having gronial responses to either intrusive thoughts or stress and I feel gross and I feel like a creep. I've been through csa and recent sexual assault and I have to see my sexual assaulters and their friends everyday at school, and ontop of that one of them and their friends rides my bus.

Even one of my teachers triggered my intrusive thoughts and gronial responses because literally one of them thought it was okay to bring up child molestion which made me cry for the rest of the day.

Yeah but anyways I feel like a creep because when something or someone brings up something related to my abuse it triggers my hypersexuality ._.

Hey anon,

You are absolutely not a "creep" for experiencing intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are not something that you want or something that you choose. You are not a bad or gross for experiencing those intrusive thoughts.

Here is a link talking about groinal responses. It's in the context of OCD, but I think it is helpful.

This link talks about how: 1. All bodies are open to sensations 2. Not all parts of the body have the same amount of nerves or are open to sensations to the same degree 3. The genitals are saturated with nerves and are therefore more open to sensations 4. Genital sensation does not equal sexual desire/arousal 5. Anxiety can increase blood flow (so you might get a groinal response due to the intrusive thought being so anxiety-inducing 6. The groinal response itself makes you focus on it 7. Which results in your brain remembering your response last time you experienced an intrusive thought, causing it to become more likely next time, and so on

All of this is to say, it's not your fault that you're experiencing these thoughts and feelings and they do not represent your wants, needs, or desires. There is something physical going on in your brain when you have intrusive thoughts, and your brains is just doing what it knows to do.

When you're constantly reminded of your trauma, it can be really hard to recover and process things. Please go easy on yourself. Give yourself patience and care right now.

I'm sorry your teacher thought it was okay to bring up such a loaded and potentially triggering subject. It's valid to be upset by this.

Some tips for intrusive thoughts.

Worksheets for intrusive thoughts: One and two.

A blog post by a fellow mod on hypersexuality and sex repulsion.

Here is a PDF called, "Coping with Flashbacks, Nightmares, and Intrusive Thoughts"

Here are 101 distractions.

- Mod Misa

#trauma talks #mod misa #tw SA #tw hypersexuality #tw intrusive thoughts #tw csa mention #tw genital mention

24 notes · View notes

neotrances · 3 years

Text

hi im using this post bc people want to accuse me of things for engaging in black butler despite me making multiple posts discussing how triggering it is for me bc of being a trafficking victim myself and how much i hate the author + entire carrd i made dedicated to talking about black butlers issues

you donot get to pick and choose which csa victims you care about or defend, if i am talking about the effects of abuse and discussing the issues of the show and how it relates back to my trauma i donot need to hear from people who aren’t victims that i’m “faking” my experiences etc for seeing myself in characters or that i’m “promoting” it when i constantly say i dont want people to watch or read it for the very reasons i have listed below

a link to the card with ALL of black butlers issues, tw for mentions of pedophilia, racism, and transmisogny

main points below —

• no, the show is not a porno, if it were i as a csa victim would not be able to bare watching it as the show is already triggering for me for touching on sexual abuse, a majority of the show is regular plot with unsavory parts unfortunately sprinkled in bc the creator is a freak, i view ciel and sebastian as father and son strictly and i’ve made that clear multiple times, and have blocked god knows how many people that think sexualizing kids let alone a parental relationship is ok,

• explaining the plot

• how yana toboso the creator does not understand hypersexuality or trauma responses because she’s too busy being a freak and writing for pleasure rather than caring about victims

i donot ship minors and adults i am not okay with any form of pedophilia, that includes fictional relationships, i donot tolerate pedos anywhere near me i am not ok with any form of sexual content involving minors and the bb post i do make are about the characters being a family that’s it, there are actual pedos on this site who deserve your anger, not me, and i’ve said it countless times that i donot defend or condone people that say that bc they’re victims they can ship minors with adults or make pedophilic content, csa victims such as myself are not excused from participating in pedophilia just bc they’re victims, i know this, and i despise people that use their victim status to ‘get away’ with consuming cp of any form

literally anyone that knows me knows i donot tolerate or excuse pedophilia or transmisogny and i am always completely transparent whenever watching something that needs to be discussed critically, with that being said (hopefully u actually read the links) i donot appreciate people labeling me a predator etc for literally talking about how much i hate the pedophilic undertones to the show and making a whole carrd just to discuss that in one easy to reach place, you need to watch how you speak to victims bc it’s literally disgusting seeing the way some of you talk about and discredit us, i relate to the mcs because of our shared trauma and as always i dont recommend it to people for that very reason, i never tell anyone to engage and make it a point of avoid me or at the very least black list the tag if you choose to stick around, and with that said another reminder that this is my personal blog for me and i’m gonna post what i want i’m not making another blog to post what i want bc this is my personal blog, i don’t exist for anyone but myself and i am not a “funnyman” who makes jokes all day for your entertainment, this blog is my own and belongs to me for myself

also i do not want to hear shit from blogs that post hxh, jjba, bnha etc when all of those pieces of media have the same exact issues with pedophilia, have predator authors or some being worse (like jojo for example with lynchings, pro nazi rhetoric) we are in the same exact boat, if you donot like me or me discussing the issues with black butler you donot have to associate with me, it’s that simple, we are online remember that curating your online space is a normal thing that everyone should do

again i cannot control who follows me and i do not care about notes nor do i want popularity or anything like that i donot force anyone to follow me and encourage whole heartedly to block and unfollow for whatever reason im just sick of having accusations thrown toward me as a trafficking victim when ive stated so deeply that i donot tolerate pedophilia of any kind, and that my post regarding bb are only that of a reimagined version of the characters being family and the mc getting the help he needs to recover

#bb #bb crit #<- this tag has the rest of the post of me discussing this

66 notes · View notes

psychomorphary · 2 years

Text

So I just had another revelation, related to my last post about hypersexuality.

BE AWARE THIS POST HAS REFERENCES TO DEATH AND SEXUAL EXPERIENCES IN CHILDHOOD!!!

When I get triggered over something {which is usually death, loss, being alone, being abandoned, not being accepted}, various symptoms rear their ugly heads, one of which is hypersexuality.

I remember at least one period in high school, I spent a lot of time on my laptop in my room. I found myself on forums and chatrooms, talking to older people: adults. I was sexualized, but I fed off of that, giving out photos, video-chatting, etc. I'm pretty sure that I'd lost my best friend before this happened. We were best friends one school year, and the next, we were strangers. We had really clicked, and I admit that I loved her. {I'm just not sure if it was romantically or platonically.}

I think losing my best friend and being alone again subconsciously reminded me of the death of my mother when I was six. I think that memory has been triggered several times. I know it's been triggered into my present several times throughout my relationship with my husband. We've had some rocky roads; we've fought. Just like anyone else has. But I've never been able to handle that normal day-to-day stuff. If I feel rejected at all, my body is on the alert, and I immediately go into thoughts of, "He's gonna leave, just like everyone else." and "You're gonna die alone because no one could ever love you!" And it doesn't have to even be real rejection. It doesn't need to be anything drastic. The other person might not even do anything, but if I perceive anything negative in the interaction, I automatically think they hate me and are leaving. I feel the exact same way that I did when my mom died.

Now, I can get a wide range of symptoms after being triggered. But the one I want to talk about is hypersexuality. I already mentioned the episode in high school. I've had two periods of this during my marriage. Late Winter/Early Spring 2018 and Summer 2019. They started with simple arguments that went to me feeling like I was abandoned. So what did I do? I told him we were getting a divorce. He moved out both times. Each time, I started finding people online and meeting up with them for sex.

My husband wasn't intending on leaving me when we got into those arguments. But I've felt abandoned and alone all my childhood, which is constantly rearing its head again and again. I've also dealt with and witnessed a lot of criticisms, arguments, and straight-up screaming matches while I was a kid. I think both of those helped make me feel that I was bad, unlovable, and would always be alone. So now when I'm criticized or get into an argument, those feelings and memories flood back and I get overwhelmed.

I left my husband both those times because I just knew that he was going to leave me, so I should do it first to get it over with. But I felt so alone, so I reached out for one-night stands in a desperate attempt to not be alone, to be accepted by someone. I just don't realize that's not the kind of acceptance I want or need.

I think my shadow self is tied into this because growing up, I was taught that sex wasn't talked about. Sex wasn't talked about because it was bad. And because it was bad, you shouldn't think about it or get involved with it. But I was a kid, and I was curious. My peers and I were quickly starting puberty. The other kids were talking about puberty and sex. A lot said that their parents had "the talk" with them. They didn't talk about it a lot with their parents, but they still talked a lot more than my dad and I. All I got was "It's bad; leave it alone." But I was curious, and being told no just made me more curious. And all the other kids seemed obsessed with sex. I wanted to fit in, but I felt like an outsider because I had no idea what they were talking about.

I had tried to push this down since I was told it was bad. But I think I made it my shadow self. And when I get triggered, various aspects of my shadow self show themselves. Sometimes, it's hypersexuality. When hypersexuality shows itself, I think I'm trying to do two things: 1. Acknowledge/accept/love my shadow self and 2. Get acknowledgement/acceptance/love from others.

I think initially, my shadow self might just start a mutiny and take over during trigger moments. Sometimes, I fight my shadow self, or my shadow self just quickly retreats back into its hole. But sometimes, I cling to my shadow self being out in the open. I think it's subconsciously validating for me to do this; my shadow self craves this. And thus, I think it becomes a sort of coping mechanism for me, albeit a destructive one. It's validating and comforting to finally give into my shadow self, even if I might know that it's not good for me. I think this is because I never truly accepted my shadow self or learned how to live in harmony with it. So my selves are constantly fighting with each other, and my shadow self is constantly looking for love and validation.

I think if I can learn to accept my shadow self and give it a voice then my selves will properly merge, and my moods/personality won't be at such extremes all the time. I think if I can finally work with my shadow self, it will chill out and not be so extreme.

#revelation #mental health journal #mental health #shadow work #weed thoughts #weed revelations #childhood trauma #hyper sex drive #hypersexuality

2 notes · View notes

chooseyouovereveryone · 3 years

Text

Brittana Analysis Part 5: Season 6 (Coming Full Circle, Parallels and Callbacks)

It’s a long one, but it occurred to me the other day when watching the performance of Home in S6 just how much all the main Brittana S6 scenes parallel and call back to their earlier scenes/obstacles. We all know S6 was fan service and it was a way to tie up their story and had various nods to the past, but I didn't realise how many direct parallel's their were until the other day. Maybe I was sleeping on something most of ya'll already knew but...sharing anyway.

So breaking it down to their 4 episodes and some key obstacles/moments in their story and how they full circled it in S6:

Homecoming- Friends with benefits and Santana's denial and hypersexuality with men

Jagged Little Tapestry- Duets make out scene and Landslide

What The World Needs Now- Santana coming out

A Wedding- The break up and Santana's insecurities about Brittany's love, Artie, Sam etc.

Warning this is super long, and uses the word full circle like a billion times, but it's the whole point of this post 😂

Homecoming 6x02

So I'm starting off with the performance that sparked the theory. I'd say the Home performance is their most significant scene in the episode, the others are all either with other characters or background moments, but in Home they get a moment just to themselves. So here's how I see that performance.

Santana is referenced to be some form of former Homecoming Royalty in that performance, whether that be she was Homecoming Queen off-screen in her Senior Year or Homecoming Princess in another year, maybe the beginning of Sophomore Year just before she breaks up with Puck (as shown in S1). That would make sense because Puck appears to be her running mate, and Sophomore Year is the only year it would make sense for them to be voted in together. Perhaps that's what made Santana go for Puck in the first place, in the same way she used Karovsky to try and win Prom Queen. Perhaps she saw Puck's chances of being nominated and pursued him, then when she got what she wanted and won, broke up with him (using his poor credit score as an excuse). Anyway, that's going off on one, but point being that the scenes show us a flashback to what used to be; Santana and Puck.

Knowing what we know now, we know that Santana was never happy with Puck. She was a closeted lesbian using him for status and to deny her feelings, while she fell in love and slept with her best friend. Meanwhile, Brittany had to watch Santana do all this. She had to watch the person she loved ignore what they had and refuse to talk about what they were doing, and fake it all with Puck instead. She even has to hear Santana say she's just using her while Puck's in juvie- ouch! To sum up, I think it's fair to say that the Puck and Santana dynamic caused both of them a lot of pain and it was probably the first obstacle they had to overcome.

Homecoming is the first episode Brittana appear in on S6, therefore it's the first full circle moment. And that first full circle moment comes with a parallel to their first obstacle. The scene starts with Brittany leading Santana out to the pitch where she's about to partake in this Homecoming Royalty Alumni ritual. They are giddy, they are happy, they are in love. Santana is about to fulfil this commitment with her ex-boyfriend, and it's something that's probably going to transform her back to another world. A world where she was unhappy and scared for the future. It also may take Brittany back to another world, a world where Santana refused to be hers and where she had to watch her all over Puck instead. But in this world, in the here and now, the two of them are happy and you can see that in this scene. Santana may have to stand with her ex boyfriend for a few minutes and be momentarily taken back to her old life as Brittany watches from the sidelines, but Brittany is the one who walks her proudly to the pitch as they eskimo kiss in public (another testament to how far they've come), because that's where they are now. They're together and all that hiding and fear and pretending with Puck is long gone and put in the past. Santana might be standing up there with reference to the fact she was once Puck's homecoming queen/princess, but in reality she's Brittany's queen. That was hella cheesy, but you know where I'm going with it! & that's the full circle of it all. The lyrics they sing are also poignant "man oh man you're my best friend", because as we all know that's how they started out and how they've always remained throughout their relationship and even during their break up.

As Santana and Puck walk around with the sparklers, Brittany looks nervous. It might be because she's nervous for Santana in undertaking her duties, or nervous for how Santana might feel being transported back to that time with Puck. It might be that she herself feels uneasy seeing Santana up there with Puck because it reminds her of what used to be. Or it might be that she's just nervous that her girlfriend is walking around clutching a stick with fire on 😂 Whatever it is, as Puck and Santana do their duties, we then get a shot of Brittany shrugging which indicates that any feelings she used to have about Puck and Santana are now firmly behind her. She can watch her girlfriend up there with her ex because Santana is hers now, and she's no longer scared to lose her to denial, rejection or fear. The Home performance takes us right back to Brittana's rocky start where Santana used men to push her feelings away, and finishes that chapter for us showing how it's come full circle. Also pointing out that while Brittany is watching Santana, she is seated next to her own ex Sam, and next to him is her previous ex Artie which is again a nod to the past and a reference to the fact it's all water under a bridge. Both girls can stand by their exes and it will be okay both with themselves and with each other (there's no jealousy involved).

Jagged Little Tapestry 6x03

A big episode for them, once again their main scenes have direct links back to their past. Starting with the bed scene which is a parallel of the Duets scene from 2x04. The clue alone is in the way the scene starts. Both start with long shots of Brittany's room and when the camera pans up you see Brittany and Santana on the bed in both scenes. They also begin both scenes by talking about scissoring (🙄). I definitely think the mention of scissoring in 6x03 is done deliberately because it's meant to parallel the 2x04 scene. Another parallel is the fact they are discussing duets to perform in Glee Club in both episodes. The difference between both scenes is of course the dynamics of their relationship and their attitude.

In Duets, Brittany is nervous and tentative to suggest singing a duet with Santana as a gateway for her to express her feelings, in Jagged Little Tapestry she is confident and happy as she initiates a kiss with Santana and freely expresses her feelings and love for her. The Santana that we see in Duets is closed off, defensive and harsh but the Santana we see in Jagged Little Tapestry is open and expressive as she tells Brittany how much she loves her and she is super soft in this scene. Santana can't even bring herself to talk about doing a duet with Brittany in 2x04, but in 6x03 she's the one initiating a talk about their future, which shows how far they've come. Long gone are the days of rejection and Santana telling Brittany she is just using her while Puck is in juvie, this scene is all about their love for each other and their future together.

When Brittany tells Santana she will love her until infinity, Santana smiles although she's probably heard countless times how much Brittany loves her, but there's potentially another parallel within the parallel here and it could be a nod back to Santana telling Brittany she loved her for the first time - "please say you love me back". Even though Brittany did tell Santana she loved her back, it wasn't in the way Santana wanted because Brittany said she loved Artie also and stayed with him and we watched Santana's face crumble. In this scene, we get to see her smile because she's secure in the infinite love Brittany has for her. Something else this scene refers back to is the fact Santana was always seen as mean, and Brittany was always seen as stupid, but Brittany could always see the good in Santana and Santana always thought Brittany was a genius. This is replicated again in this scene with Brittany mentioning Santana's giant, generous heart and Santana calling Brittany a genius. But the main parallel is between 2x04 and 6x03, and both scenes end in a similar shot of Santana looking on. In 2x04 she is only thinking of the short term future, and who she's going to do a duet with since it definitely can't be Brittany, whilst a disheartened Brittany watches her from the bed. In contrast, 6x03 shows Santana thinking of the long term future, as she considers her life with Brittany and the fact she is about to propose to her and spend forever with her, while Brittany is cuddled up with her on the bed. With this episode, the writers replicated one of their first iconic scenes but showed us how far they had come and how things had changed for them.

Later on, in this episode, another iconic early Brittana scene is paralleled, the Landslide scene from 2x15. With Landslide, Santana and Brittany are scared, emotional and need the shield of Holly there to do the performance with them. Though initially opening herself up and allowing herself to be vulnerable, Santana immediately shuts down and gets defensive when Rachel mentions sapphic charm. She was brave enough to sing the song, but she doesn't want to be labelled. In contrast, their performance of Hand In My Pocket/I Feel The Earth Move shows them happily singing and dancing with each other and showing their love to everyone. This time, they don't need Holly in between them and they're so proud of their love that at one point of the performance they go to the back row and sit in between everyone. This is also a nod back to the past because it’s where they broke up, now they’re sat there in between all their friends right before Santana proposes.

The proposal is of course a parallel in itself, with Santana directly referring back to moments in their past about Brittany wanting her to be herself and “no matter how many times we tried to put our thing down and walk away from it we can’t”. But the biggest parallel is the comparison to the Landslide scene, where this time Santana is not scared to be labelled after singing with Brittany, she goes and puts a label on them herself by proposing to Brittany in front of everyone. She’s gone from defensive to literally wanting to scream her love from the rooftops. Like with Landslide where their moment is interrupted by Rachel, this time it’s Kurt who interrupts their moment but the two reasons for interrupting and by default the reactions from Santana are complete opposite. The two reactions Brittany has in the Landslide scene vs this scene are also very different. In Landslide she is happy that Santana has finally let her guard down, but as soon as Rachel opens her mouth you can see Brittany's face instantly drop. She knows that Rachel's comment is going to set Santana back and she is crushed when Santana walks away. But in this scene, Brittany gets to see Santana stand proud and demonstrate her love for her in front of everyone, promising to love her forever, and naturally Brittany is emotional at that and we get to see her happy tears in the realisation that nothing is going to come between them now and they've got to where they wanted to be. I’m saying it again, but this scene is literally full circle.

What The World Needs Now 6x06

This episode is less a parallel more a redo, because I see it as fan service in giving the fandom some of what they craved so much but didn't get with I Kissed A Girl (3x07). One of the main criticisms of that episode, was how Brittany didn't even speak. We were robbed of getting a conversation between Santana and her girlfriend, and seeing how Brittany could be there for her. What The World Needs Now gave us that, because it was all focused around Brittany noticing how upset Santana was that her Abuela wouldn't be at her wedding and trying to rectify that, and later being there for her and sticking up for her when Abuela said she wouldn't be attending.

There are some parallels in the episode too, such as:

The conversations with Santana's Abuela. In both 3x07 and 6x06, Santana takes the same angle of telling her Abuela how much she appreciates her and about the lessons Abuela has taught her. She then goes on to talk about her feelings and love for Brittany to try and get Abuela to accept her as a lesbian.

Abuela walks out on Santana in both episodes, leaving her devastated.

The Glee Club sing for Santana to remind her that she is loved and accepted, as they do in 3x07.

The differences are that although Santana is rightfully devastated by her grandmother's rejection, in 3x07 she tries to plead with her, but in 6x06 she stands proud and takes Brittany's hand and shows Abuela that this is who she is, and if Abuela doesn't like that she can walk right out of her life. She is visibly emotional infront of Abuela in 3x07, but in 6x06 she waits until Abuela has left the room before she finally rests on Brittany and lets that vulnerability seep in. It's likely a mixture of both having Brittany there with her this time, and being older and more comfortable with herself, but it shows how far Santana has come in her own acceptance.

A Wedding 6x08

As the final chapter in their story, this episode has many parallels and nods back to the past. Abuela is brought back and there's finally a happy ending on that when she comes to the wedding and accepts Santana for who she is, and one of my favourite parallel's is Santana walking happily and proudly down the aisle towards Brittany, a stark contrast to the Santana we see in 2x15 who walks down the school corridor towards Brittany to tell her she loves her for the first time, nervously glancing around and in fear of her secret getting out.

The scenes in this episode aren't as direct parallel as the infinity bed scene is with the duets bed scene or as Landslide and Hand In My Pocket/I Feel The Earth Move, but I feel there are a lot of references to their break up, the wedding of course being (saying it again) full circle of that. In the vows they talk about their earlier struggles and how they'd suffer it all for the tiny chance of being here getting married, so we can assume that's about both their confusing friends with benefits days and their break up.

The pre-wedding talk scene they have is one of their most prominent scenes, and in this I think there are some full circle moments, the biggest being when Santana says "you love me, and I love you, and no silly superstitions are going to change that". In the beginning of their relationship Santana struggled with a lot of doubt and insecurities, not only with her sexuality but in her relationship with Brittany too. She clung to the fact that Brittany didn't say she loved her back (2x18), even though Brittany did in fact say it, and she had to listen to other people doubt Brittany's love for her aka Finn (3x07). I feel like Santana worried a lot in the early days of her relationship that she was going to lose Brittany, and then when they broke up and Brittany ended up dating Sam and "choosing" him (which I think she only did because she wanted Santana to chase her dreams and go to New York) those insecurities were further recognised. I think that's why she made the comments she made to Dani about "straying for penis". I don't think Santana was innately biphobic or had a problem with Brittany's bisexuality at all (she verbalises her support for it on other occasions), and though her comments were wrong, I think they came from hurt and worry. Because of previous experience with Artie and her later seeing the same thing with Sam, and because of her own insecurities, I think she used to worry Brittany would leave her for somebody else or love somebody else more. I also think part of that was what held back her decision in getting back with Brittany straight away, because she was scared to be hurt. This scene in the wedding talk shows the development and the complete 360 Santana has had. By now she's confident in Brittany's love for her and she verbalises that. She's confident in their relationship, in their future. She knows they don't need to follow any traditions or superstitions because their love is strong and valid, and nothing is going to change that or take that away from them. Another reoccurring theme that's put in this scene, is the way Brittany and Santana struggle with any form of distance between them. It's the reason they broke up, and it's clearly a worry for Santana as she mentions Brittany moving to New York and them living together on two separate occasions so it's obviously something on her mind. She wants Brittany in New York with her because she finds long distance too hard, and in this scene she can't even go an hour without seeing Brittany before the wedding.

So to sum up, I'm so grateful for the S6 episodes because they really did tie everything up for us and it gave us most of the things we asked for. I really love the direct parallel's back to the earlier obstacles they faced, and I love how we got to finish their story seeing their relationship in a solid, strong place with lots of mutual love and appreciation, as well as seeing Santana comfortable and happy with who she is and secure in her relationship, and Brittany able to express her love and feel it back from Santana without any of the earlier fear, beards and confusion.

If you made it to the end, honestly congrats!!!

#brittana #brittana s6 #brittana season 6 #brittany and santana #santana and brittany #brittanalysis #brittana analysis #glee analysis #brittany s.pierce #brittany pierce #brittanypierce #glee brittany #glee brittana #santana lopez #santanalopez #glee s6

17 notes · View notes

nesta-stan · 4 years

Text

Why the "Trauma and mental illness isn't an excuse" argument about Nesta doesn't make any sense

I don't hate the state but when some one usually says it the thing being excuse are the

ACTUAL SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMA AND MENTAL ILLNESS

Like you do realize that trauma and mental illness isn't a personality trait or this thing that makes you "sad."

I saw a video once that mentioned that comments like this are actually kinda of ableist. Which I think is true.

It reminds me of when I was labeled a "disturbance" when I would breathe and cough very loudly. I have asthma. I was told to try to "control it".

So what I hear when someone says this is "I acknowledge that you have a disease. I just want you to try really hard to pretend you don't by never outwardly displaying your symptoms because it makes me uncomfortable."

Like do people who say this even KNOW what the D in PTSD stands for

" mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function. A mental illness can make you miserable and can cause problems in your daily life, such as at school or work or in relationships." -Mayo clinic

When someone has a mental illness it can hurt the people they love but their sick. They have a disease. It really isn't their fault. Which is why psychiatrist are considered actual medical doctors who can prescribe medicine.

I did a post with a link how Nsata's "laziness" was linked with depression but here are some more quotes.

Nesta's anger issues as it relates to child abuse

"Physically harmed children (relative to nonphysically harmed children) were significantly less attentive to social cues, more inclined to attribute hostile intent, and less able to manage personal problems. They explain possible cognitive deficits in abused and neglected children by suggesting that physical abuse affects the development of social-information-processing patterns, which in turn lead to chronic aggressive behavior. The experience of severe physical harm is associated with the "acquisition of a set of biased and deficient patterns of processing social provocation information" - the national academies press

Nesta's anger issues as it relates to ptsd

"Anger is also a common response to events that seem unfair or in which you have been made a victim. Research shows that anger can be especially common if you have been betrayed by others. This may be most often seen in cases of trauma that involve exploitation or violence.

The trauma and shock of early childhood abuse often affects how well the survivor learns to control his or her emotions. Problems in this area lead to frequent outbursts of extreme emotions, including anger and rage.

How Can Anger After a Trauma Become a Problem?

In people with PTSD, their response to extreme threat can become "stuck." This may lead to responding to all stress in survival mode. If you have PTSD, you may be more likely to react to any stress with "full activation." You may react as if your life or self were threatened.

This automatic response of irritability and anger in those with PTSD can create serious problems in the workplace and in family life. It can also affect your feelings about yourself and your role in society.

Researchers have broken down posttraumatic anger into three key aspects, discussed below. These three factors can lead someone with PTSD to react with anger, even in situations that do not involve extreme threat:

Arousal

Anger is marked by certain reactions in the body. The systems most closely linked to emotion and survival — heart, circulation, glands, brain — are called into action. Anger is also marked by the muscles becoming tense. If you have PTSD, this higher level of tension and arousal can become your normal state. That means the emotional and physical feelings of anger are more intense.

If you have PTSD, you may often feel on edge, keyed up, or irritable. You may be easily provoked. This high level of arousal may cause you to actually seek out situations that require you to stay alert and ward off danger. On the other hand, you may also be tempted to use alcohol or drugs to reduce the level of tension you're feeling.

Behavior

Often the best response to extreme threat is to act aggressively to protect yourself. Many trauma survivors, especially those who went through trauma at a young age, never learn any other way of handling threat. They tend to become stuck in their ways of reacting when they feel threatened. They may be impulsive, acting before they think.

Aggressive behaviors also include complaining, "backstabbing," being late or doing a poor job on purpose, self-blame, or even self-injury. Many people with PTSD only use aggressive responses to threat. They are not able to use other responses that could be more positive.

Thoughts and beliefs

Everyone has thoughts or beliefs that help them understand and make sense of their surroundings. After trauma, a person with PTSD may think or believe that threat is all around, even when this is not true. He or she may not be fully aware of these thoughts and beliefs.

If you have PTSD, you may not be aware of how your thoughts and beliefs have been affected by trauma. For instance, since the trauma you may feel a greater need to control your surroundings. This may lead you to act inflexibly toward others. Your actions then provoke others into becoming hostile towards you. Their hostile behavior then feeds into and reinforces your beliefs about others." - U.S department of veteran affairs

Nesta's Hypersexuality as it relates to assault

"The survivor of trauma is left with unmetabolized rage which is directed both internally and externally. Simultaneously, the traumatized individual is actively attempting to escape the emotions and the loneliness of their constricted, damaged state. Their sexuality awakens early, without direction, and is often intensely driving them to seek out partners. It is this highly ambivalent state which characterizes sexual compulsivity. Their vandalized love maps (which were previously discussed) are trauma-bonded and therefore predispose them to seek out destructive partners. transactions and sexual interactions. Compulsive behavior is a means to numb-out when beginning to think and feel. This behavior also produces a high which allows the person to know she is still alive and human when feelings of depersonalization, numbness, emptiness and physical and emotional analgesia pervade. Compulsive sexual behavior becomes a solution - a means of feeling something in the dissociative fog, an experience of perceived control when feeling powerless, an illusory sense of safety connection and temporary escape from the aloneness." -U.S department of justice

Nesta's drinking

"Substance abuse and addiction is commonly connected to co-occurring disorders like PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Among people seeking treatment for PTSD are 14 times more likely to also be diagnosed with a substance abuse disorder (SUD). Attempting to self-medicate can be a cause to why many people with PTSD also abuse substance. The thought is that by abusing substances, a person with PTSD, will null or avoid PTSD symptoms. Those with PTSD with a SUD are more likely so abuse alcohol over drugs, such as cocaine. Research has found that service members and veterans that have heavy drinking tendencies are more likely to have PTSD, depression. War veterans with a PTSD diagnosis, who also drink alcohol, tend to be diagnosed with binge drinking...One of the highest risk groups for both PTSD and addiction is the veteran population. According to the U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, veterans who seek out treatment for a SUD are often diagnosed with PTSD. This is most likely due to the emotional stress, physical demand, and mental strain of combat.10 Service members that were deployed overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan are at a higher risk of developing PTSD. In addition, PTSD has also been linked to veterans that have been sexually assaulted or harassed during their military service or experience. Military service trauma can happen to any service member, of any gender, during their military service. Sexual trauma includes sexual assault, sexual abuse, or sexual harassment.About 1 in 5 female veterans have been diagnosed with military sexual trauma by Veteran Affairs (VA)." -American addiction centers

85 notes · View notes

endexe · 3 years

Text

Whew, okay, uh, ya star child, Mori, here whipped out a fucking long ass essay just regarding to the things I realized while writing Zero and how much Zero means to me, especially on the personal level. Some heavy areas are to be touched as warned ahead in the sixth paragraph, but I promise I’m okay! I simply have a lot of thoughts and emotions whirling around in me that I need to place somewhere! But to summarize: Thank you all so, so, so much for loving Zero Orez, my one and only bestest foolish glitch child, and for giving me the safe and gentle space where I can be at my most joy and comfort having him here. <3

So the concept of Zero was created this month on April’s Fool, which is the second most ironic thing to happen with him ( the first is honestly the fact that within the same month, Zero have interacted with five muses who share the same faceclaim as him, like lmfao poor Zero, he’s just not having it --- shoutout to Mercy ( maskeraide ), River ( wxrldkiller ), Oli ( teletropic ), Vi ( heartbetween ), and Grace ( evermxre ) for having me so delighted and entertained by this concept, it makes my experiences writing with Zero so much more fun ). I created him for this episodic novel series Let There Be with Noble and Grim, the angel and demon respectively, who are private investigators. I had the concept of how there would be eldritch monsters trying to take over Earth by using the elements of the horror genre, which created mundane appearing but still supernatural linked cases that Noble and Grim had to solve when no other ordinary humans could, and the monsters were linked to their respective tarot card. Zero was considered to be the Fool.

I was excited to make Zero be a side character of the novel, the foolish and childish character who would constantly help and betray both sides of the series, one side being Noble and Grim, and another the Arcane. But I didn’t know what more to expect from him. I was reading the tag within the post I made in Noble’s and Grim’s blog that was the NPC introduction of Zero. It’s so funny that I said I didn’t know if I’d end up writing him on here because I thought Noble and Grim, my impossible lights, would end up taking all of the muse from him. BUT IN THE END... They were the ones who I set up the indefinite hiatus note few days ago while Zero’s still thriving, and I find that so bizarre because I thought Noble and Grim were the ONES who I’d always have the muse for. You know how you’d have that thing where you’d expect something to happen with your muse, but they would do the exact opposite as you least expected? Zero’s like that ALWAYS, but the fact he pulled the UNO reverse card on my impossible lights? Truly wild and now here I am, writing him for almost a month!

And... creating him, writing him is the BEST choice I had ever made in my entire life. Yes, Noble and Grim had helped me a lot, especially I do face a lot of struggles when it comes to the matters of hope and despair, what Noble and Grim embody of respectively but Zero eventually become so many things to me. The vent character, the comfort character, the character who I can channel my childish and curious energy into when I was rarely given the chance to let them out in the real world when I was younger, the character who is a learner but as slow and easily frustrated as me and a lover of life like me despite everything / anything. I realize also that I have so much fun and easier times writing him than I had with Noble and Grim, I won’t lie about this. Noble’s and Grim’s aesthetic and energy seem to attract more of an urge to write a bit more purple prosey with a hint of seriousness to it, and... it was so time and energy consuming to write them with these expectations I had on myself. And for some reason, I sometimes had trouble plotting with them, maybe because, again, I felt like they had to be these serious characters having to be put in serious situations. Few of the things I love about Zero is he have bare limits to his character as he can be anything and anyone I want him to be. He has about everything that I can use to develop and have fun with. I love how ultimately, Zero is ever unbound to labels and he is ever changing.

I’m just amazed realizing how many writings and developments I have done with Zero within a month than I had with those two, but that’s because with Zero? He is truly... all over the place. He is so messy, chaotic, flawed, but also, he is loud and open and FREE. Having to get into his energy makes me feel my most self where I can be too loud and loving, and not care too much about how I write and format my posts, unlike with Noble and Grim. He makes me so so SO happy and comfortable, and there is a lot of times I’d think about him and sometimes with my friends’ muses, and it’s a lot more than I had thought of Noble and Grim. The love I have for Zero is endless and beyond, always. He reminds me that original characters are so fucking important when they can be anything and anyone you want them to be, and as long as it’s nothing of harm to others and yourself, whoever and whatever they are, they are more than good enough when they provide you so much joy and comfort.

[ trigger warning: mentions of ( child ) abuse and traumas ] Zero have... about about everything I’ve ever loved in general from my interests to tropes ( adorkable, the fool, fourth wall breaking, etcetera ) to my love of aesthetics ( such as glitchcore / cybercore / kidcore / weirdcore ), and so many more. As well as he have learning disability, hypersexuality, tendency to be so distracted and forgettable like me. Along with he does these things that I do as stimming like he’d just rock or always love to touch blankets that have very soft materials. As well as he have experienced so many traumas that resulted him having so much trouble remembering and wanting to be childish as hating to be responsible, which is what I have. I don’t remember anything of my childhood or honestly, majority of my life but traumas. I don’t remember much of what I did yesterday. I don’t even remember if I had breakfast yesterday or what I ate if I did because I had been through so much mainly involving abuse from my own mother, still do unfortunately as I live with her, that makes my brain shut down, which also makes me have so much trouble being in deep thoughts when my brain is just. Numb. When I’m going to be more real here, despite how I appear online here, I do have trouble experiencing and expressing much emotions because, again, of the traumas I have dealt with for so long.

From all of these things I had gone through in life, I have dealt a lot with these concepts of who I am, what I am, like Zero does, and having him, I eventually realize how extremely important he is to me, so much more than any characters I ever created. He is my biggest coping mechanism and my gentlest reminder that it’s never too late to be... free. Just enjoy everything that I’m so fortunate to get from life. Draw clumsily, listen to music loudly, love too much and just let my heart be louder than the thunderstorms and crashing sea waves combined. Just be free and happy, despite everything, anything. I said before with Noble and Grim that I hadn’t been this happy before writing them, but I was so wrong. With Zero, I am so much more happier than I could ever be, and there are so many people on here who I am beyond lucky and grateful to be friends with who let me have him with no judgement like over how ridiculously overpowered he is or how much I self projected myself into him. And all of the connections Zero made on here so far are very touching and wonderful. I didn’t know what to really expect when I decided to give Zero his own blog, but having him for a month, this decision brought me so many beautiful things that I will always cherish.

I also wanna give a quick shoutout to River for. Fuck, everything. They’re truly the biggest reason why I decided to keep writing Zero and even make me love him more. They had made me talk about so many things with Zero I probably would’ve never thought, or wouldn’t have thought about so soon. I always extremely enjoy everything River and I would go over about together, and... literally, River, if you see this, know that you’re truly a wonder to have. I am so beyond thankful to have you as, honestly, already my close friend. Thank you so much for giving me that extra push to keep Zero and one of the most meaningful reasons why Zero still exist today, and for being just an amazing friend.

Just thank you all so much, to those we had known each other from the other blog and those we just became mutuals, for giving me and Zero a chance to be a bit more free and happier at least when our life won’t let us have that so often. Just thank you, thank you, thank you.

#* ❪⠀ 📺⠀❫ : 𝚎𝚙𝚜1.2:outofcharacter.𝚝𝚊𝚐 //#( I'm not expecting anyone to read it I just. again I had so many thoughts and feelings on this that I had no where to put but here )#( but again and again thank you everyone for this <3 )

5 notes · View notes

melodiouswhite · 4 years

Text

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde rewritten - Ch. 48

48. Slow recovery

“Good morning, gentlemen! Oh, so gay today?”, Lady Summers observed, when Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde and Mr. Utterson came to her room, grinning at her and her doctor like no tomorrow.

“Indeed”, Dr. Jekyll responded. “But so are you two. If you pardon my indecency, Milady, but I know my friend – you finally talked about you-know-what, didn't you?”

Lady Summers and Lanyon exchanged a glance. Then they realised, that they were still holding hands and chuckled.

“Yes, Doctor”, she finally answered and settled back into the pillows.

Then she let her eyes wander over the trio and frowned. “But as I see, Mr. Hyde didn't listen to my instruction to stay in his room?”

He looked away sheepishly.

“No”, Mr. Utterson confirmed with a hint of frustration, “He crawled into ours and woke us up at three in the morning.”

Dr. Jekyll nodded.

Mr. Hyde threw his arms up. “Oh come on! I didn't want to fuck or anything!”

“Really?”, Jekyll interrupted sourly, “Then how come you couldn't keep your hands off me, when Gabriel and I were trying to sleep?!”

“Oh shut up, you miserable hypocrite! You couldn't keep your hands off me either!”

Lady Summers sighed and pinched her nose. “This kind of nonsense is why I didn't want you two to share a room. Mr. Hyde, just a friendly reminder, this is my house. And I'd rather not have to deal with the noise you two make, when you do … well, that. I would never be able to get them – or the images – out of my head, which I'd rather avoid, thank you very much.”

Mr. Utterson blinked. “What do you mean?”

Her dear doctor answered no-nonsensically: “These hypersexual bitches are loud.”

The looks on Dr. Jekyll's and Mr. Hyde's faces were so priceless that Lady Summers doubled over with laughter.

Poor Mr. Utterson almost fell from his chair, but somehow that made her laugh even harder.

As a result she spat blood, but that was worth it!

Oh, hanging out with these men was better than any burlesque!

“So you two are officially together now?”, Utterson asked, as soon as everyone had calmed down.

The Lady chuckled. “Well, only officially to you, but yes.”

“That's wonderful!”, he cried, “I'm so happy for you!”

“Thank you, Gabriel”, Lanyon replied warmly.

But Jekyll was feeling a light sting in his chest.

He was happy for them, he really, genuinely was.

But it was bittersweet.

Lanyon was happier with her than he'd ever been with him. And he deserved it, God knew he did! But it had taken so long for him to find that happiness, because he had wasted fifteen years of his life on him. Jekyll would probably never fully comprehend, how Lanyon had been able to put up with him for this long in the first place.

Lady Summers' voice brought him back to the moment. “Now, now, Dr. Jekyll. Let's not look back on our past relationships.”

“On one thing we have to look back, though”, Utterson spoke up. “What those people did to you is unforgivable.”

She nodded grimly. “I know it's unforgivable. And I certainly haven't forgiven them a single thing. And to think that it first happened in 1845, where people died from surgeries more often than they recovered-”

“That's only one thing”, Jekyll spoke up. “Notwithstanding your miraculous survival, only to be robbed of your dreams and crippled for the rest of your life – pardon my language, Milady.”

“Don't worry, no offence is taken”, she assured him. “I am technically a cripple, after all. Since-”

Another fit of blood spitting only served to confirm that statement.

“Since I suffer from this, because of all the things they did to me.”

“I have a question, though”, Hyde spoke up. Then he corrected himself. “Wait, no. It's two.”

She answered them, before they were even spoken: “I managed to fight you off that one night, because of my rigorous training. After our match I was indisposed for a week, but my condition would be a lot worse without the training. Learning to control my belly muscles was quite helpful, actually. If it wasn't for that I'd likely be quite dead by now.”

“Speaking of your condition”, Mr. Utterson spoke up. “We need to talk about pressing charges against your attacker.”

She raised a brow. “Baron Cleranescu? I don't think that will be necessary, considering he made a fool of himself and will never be able to show his face on British soil again. This is the worst thing you can do to someone belonging to the upper class.”

“He must face justice!”, Utterson insisted angrily, “You said yesterday night, that it's worse than usual and I will not accept the prospect of him hiding away and moping in some old castle in Rumania, while you're suffering from internal injuries! Not on my watch! I bet he wouldn't have dared to do this, if you were Lord and not Lady Summers!”

Oh right. Jekyll always forgot how adamant his love was about women's rights.

Lady Summers gaped at him.

Then she chuckled. “No, he definitely wouldn't have. He's as misogynistic as most men are, if not more.”

“That much was clear”, Hyde threw in, “I was there, I heard it all. She handed his arse to him with each sentence she spoke! Then he talked shit about Lanyon and his own wife, the Lady informed him that she's cheating on him with the king of Rumania and he lost it.”

Jekyll's jaw dropped. That bastard had kicked her in the abdomen – right where her weakest spot was – just because she had told him that his wife favoured another man?!

“I have an idea”, Hyde continued, “How about instead of suing him, we sic Alma onto him? She would love to-”

“Did somebody say my name?”, the very person asked, as she walked into the room to the Lady's bedside and took her hand.

“How are you feeling, Luise?”, she asked worriedly.

The Prussian chuckled. “Well, I'm spitting blood and my abdomen hurts, but apart from that, I'm fine.”

“It's that bastard's fault”, Miss Donovan snarled, “I'll cut his junk off and shove it into his mouth, before setting him on fire!”

“Sounds good, I'll help you”, Hyde agreed nonchalantly.

“No!”, Lady Summers spoke firmly. “You will do nothing of that sort. You will not get violent on me. Be the better person-”

“To hell with being the better person!”, Miss Donovan snapped, “I don't give a damn! That bastard hurt you and your health is already fragile! He must suffer! At least let me castrate him!”

Lady Summers frowned. “Give it one month and see what will happen.”

The red-haired girl huffed, but nodded.

Still before the evening all of London knew of the incident at the gala.

A foreigner had attacked and gravely injured one of the most high-ranking aristocrats of England, who was now bed-bound.

The Prince and Princess of Wales had requested that he be stripped of his rank and diplomatic immunity and the ambassador of Rumania had already complied.

The baron had already fled London.

Lanyon wasn't satisfied with that. He wanted the bastard to suffer for hurting his Lady. He wanted him to writhe in agony and beg for mercy.

“Now, now”, Lady Summers spoke up, when she saw him frown at the punchline on the newspaper. “Things need their time. Now that he no longer has his diplomatic immunity, he can be charged for his crimes. And if it doesn't happen in England, it'll be in Rumania.”

Lanyon hoped that she was right, he really did.

Lady Summers was unable to leave her bed for two weeks.

So when Lanyon allowed her to get up briefly and move around in a wheelchair, she was ecstatic.

It was a wonderful day, so she used the opportunity to get some fresh air.

“I really would love to go outside again”, she said. “And I hope that I won't be assaulted by a bunch of news reporters, who want an interview. Jesus Christ, I never asked for all this hustle!”

Mr. Utterson opened the window and looked outside. “I don't see any out there”, he told her.

She nodded in satisfaction. “Good. Perhaps I will enjoy just a few moments in the park, between all the people who recognise me and ask what happened.”

Dr. Jekyll lifted an eyebrow. “Considering how prominent you are? I doubt that.”

The Prussian huffed: “Crush my hopes, why don't you!”

Unfortunately, it turned out that Dr. Jekyll was right.

The group needed ages to get to the park; Lanyon had to stop the Lady's wheelchair every thirty feet, because someone recognised her and inquired after her wellbeing.

But finally they made it there and by the time it was forenoon, when most people were at home or at work.

“Perhaps it was good that it took us so long to get here”, Lady Summers remarked, “I love when the park is so empty.”

“I reckon you do”, her dear doctor remarked.

“And I can't sense anyone stalking us”, she continued cheerfully, “I think this will truly be a good day!”

Mr. Hyde cleared his throat, making her turn her head. “About that … I was wondering …”

“Yes?”

“Should Jekyll and I be worried too? That …”

“Absolutely.”

Maybe not the most reassuring answer, but they all knew that it was true.

The organisation was hunting for test subjects and if they found out the truth about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde …

The two needed to watch their backs in the near future.

“I have a question too”, Dr. Jekyll spoke up. “Those strange friends you mentioned … do they really live here in London?”

Lady Summers nodded. “Oh yes! They live in Soho, actually. Not that far away from Mr. Hyde's flat. I'm sure he passed by their house several times, without knowing.”

She chuckled fondly and shook her head. “You would like them, Dr. Jekyll. They're a lot like you.”

The blond doctor chuckled as well. “You attract people like me, don't you?”

“Somehow I do”, she replied nonchalantly and shrugged. “But you know what? I think I should introduce you four to them. I have told them a lot about you and am sure that they would love to meet you as well.”

Dr. Jekyll beamed at her. “I would love to meet them!”

“Same here”, Mr. Hyde agreed, “I'd be delighted to learn whose house I passed by without knowing.”

The other two men nodded as well.

Lady Summers was quite pleased at that. “Perfect. I will send them a note and inquire, if they receive.”

#The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde #Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde #Dr. Jekyll #henry jekyll #Mr. Hyde #edward hyde #Mr Utterson #Gabriel John Utterson #utterson #Hastie Lanyon #dr lanyon #oc

14 notes · View notes

boglog · 5 years

Text

Soooo I'm gna get mauled here but tumblr's unquestioning praise of Killing Eve as a progressive, prestige show about womanhood and sexuality is... looking like a problem to me.

This is not to shame people who watch the show or even to guilt people out of enjoying it, especially seeing as I've done both, (unabashedly admiring Phoebe Waller Bridge's distinctly quirky humour and Fiona Shaw's deliveries). This is to say, though, that the Killing Eve franchise is something to think more critically about before we give it more praise, more money. We can be critical of media we like, not limit activism to media criticism and not feel that media criticism in some way robs us of something. In my opinion.

[tw for discussions on sex, rape, pedophilia, violence, death, q slur]

[[more]] <---more --!>

Firstly the generation-wide age gap: Eve's original portrayal in the book is 24, exactly two years Villanelle's senior so the only logical excuse for it be added in the adaptation was bc the crew were desperate for big name actors. And while I love Sandra Oh, it was not worth it to create bizarre sexual tension between a forty year old and a twenty year old. This isn't even the first time Jodie Comer was the on-screen love interest to a middle aged person (see also Dr Foster), which is doubly messed up. Ideally replace Oh with an actor Comer's peer or replace Comer w someone Oh's age. It's not that hard.

Second, the age gap is exasperated by Villanelle's "mental age" which is far below twenty. Honestly the fact that both these problems were added into the adaptation by female actor/writer Phoebe Waller-Bridge makes me wna scream. Book!Villanelle was appropriately mature enough—emotionally, psychologically, intellectually—to warrant her high-ranking status as an assassin. Her behaviour, while still devoid of empathy, manages to be a believable portrayal of an upper-class 20 yr o behaving like a thirty year-old. Phoebe Waller-Bridge (and co)'s reinterpretation has Villanelle being a hyperfeminine, materialist, petty teenager that slowly spirals into impulsive outbursts and a scene where she's crawling around a suburb in a onesie. How do we reconcile Villanelle's lust and her love of violence with this childish persona? How is Eve's attraction to her justified? How do ppl think that's hot? It's comedic shock value flirting with homophobia, pedophilia, and the Born Sexy Yesterday trope. Not to mention the violent little girl trope. Despite all of Luke Jennings' flaws, he at least did not do That and my God is the bar low.

Both book and show heavily overplay Villanelle's sexual promiscuity to the point of being voyeuristic. Villanelle's sociopathy is largely an excuse for her violence, sex life, and lack of empathy to be over-the-top, even comedic, especially in the show adaptation. Villanelle's only true human connection is her infatuation with her language teacher, Anna. Which, rather than explore the show's pedophilic undertones, only serves to justify it via backstory.

The show does handle this way worse though: through Anna's dialogue, we're assured that the attraction was mutual ("She seduced me.") and that they've had sex. Which at the time would be when Oxana (Oksana) was in her late teens as she was still a high school student under Anna's tutelage. In the show, Villanelle murders Anna's husband partially out of revenge and possibly bc she took Anna's joke too literally. Book!Villanelle meanwhile castrates Anna's rapist. The former attempts to draw parallels between Eve and Anna, Nico and Anna's husband, treating the story like a melodramatic Shakespearean love triangle while once more reminding us of Villanelle's immature social skills. Which, again, serves to justify age gap lust. Meanwhile, the book attempts to question Villanelle's warped attempts at human connection via vignettes of violent shock value, it's marginally better than the adaptation but in the overall scheme of things I'm not sure Jennings makes enough commentary on violence against women to warrant this.

Finally sexuality in the franchise is a big question mark. Eve and Villanelle's attraction to each other is explained simply by obsession and lust intermingled with violence. Villanelle and Anna's relationship devolves into much the same in the show. Eve and Nico have a relatively stable yet dispassionate relationship meanwhile Bill is implied to be bisexual with an open marriage, though this is never seen and he's murdered shortly after this confession. A Chinese politician has a hospital fetish and, in the book, a right-wing fascist has a kin/kink for Eva Braun which leads us to a highly disturbing transphobic scene involving an exploding dildo. Notably, Villanelle's on/off frenemy romance with Lara (who is... you know... her age) in the book is cut and replaced Nadia, whom she basically kills as soon as possible.

The relationship between Oxana and Lara is explored more in the book (and it's post-season 1 sequel) though ultimately, Lara dies and Villanelle can't feel remorse let alone love. Both book and show have Villanelle hooking up with various people but the book goes into painstaking detail about her sexual promiscuity being motivated by her desire to manipulate peole. Clearly, Jennings shows that Villanelle's sex life includes all genders yet with little regard for her intimacy and level of attraction for anyone. She is "bisexual" (or "lesbian") only insofar as actual physical sex is concerned. Emotionally, she is attracted to no one. Which let me just say is a capital y Yikes.

And the cherry on top of course is that the show is getting accused of queerbating due to the heavy marketing a nd WLW undertones despite Sandra Oh's denial of any romance btwn her and Jodie Comer's character. 🙄

All of these play heavily into existing homophobic stereotypes. The predatory lesbian. The hypersexual bisexual. The manipulative, hedonistic, childish, lustful qu**rs, who, having foresaken family values to screw anything and everything, are not emotionally mature enough to be first class citizens. From watching the show and reading the book, the writers play with these "dark" themes with little introspection to how these relate historically to LGBT politics, how their use of sociopathy and age gaps has political and sociological significance. There's little real deconstruction or reflection on gender, sexuality, violence etc to be considered satirical and these aspects are largely thrown in for entertainment's sake.

Jennings and Waller-Bridge have both, respectively, made attempts at thematic critiques of wealth and gender. Neither of which in my opinion saw its theme through enough to be satirical. There's something to be said about how PWB converted Jennings' anti-materialist subtext into "empowering" aspects of literally weaponised feminity (i.e. all of Villanelle's weapons are high-end women's products) almost as a critique of cultural dismissal of femininity and it's association with materialism. PWB seemed to want to create a comedic, empoweringly gendered, spy movie but this theme of weaponised femininity nose dives at Villanelle's immaturity not to mention its superficiality. Weaponised femininity directed at whom? The show seems much more fascinated with Villanelle herself than the fact that she's employed by The Twelve, which obscures the importance of who Villanelle is killing, who Villanelle exerts weaponised feminity against and why. Not to mention the concept of the feral, empowered or weaponised woman has always been positively attributed to white women, which to make a long story short is not new or progressive or empowering.

I'm not too puritanical to understand the use of taboo themes in satire. This is not satire. KE's appeal seems to be the sexualisation of its deuteragonists at the expense of nuanced conversations about sex, violence, and gender. PWB was way more fixated on comedy than I think she should have been, and both creators rely most on shock value than anything else in how they construct what they believe be the most entertaining and well-structured narrative. There's little evidence that they regard the responsibility they have in portraying bisexual women in positions of power, in age gap relationships or as violent characters in a political espionage thriller. This is not satire this is a very eclectic comedy with clumsy homophobic caricatures at best.

Lastly, there are essays on why leftist fixation on "representation" is a symptom of our digital hyperreality and at best will never truly address material problems faced by real people. Big ass metas on tumblr is not necessarily activism and as I'm sure you know the revolution will not be televised. But should show runners and co be rewarded for so called groundbreaking dark comedy that in fact seems to support harmful stereotypes? And goddamnit am I tired of people unironically romanticising Villanelle and Eve. Thank you for listening to my TEDtalk.

#killing eve #ke #sandra oh #phoebe waller bridge #jodie comer #luke jennings #long post #u #c #onion post

20 notes · View notes

cliquestitsandicks · 5 years

Conversation

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

#the bold type season 3 #the bold type #katia #kat edison #tia clayton #TBT S3 SPOILERS #i rewatched the whole season today

32 notes · View notes

winterheart17 · 6 years

Text

Saiansha just shot me in the heart

I’m going to put a Read More break so as not to clog up anyone’s feed but @saiansha , I cannot stop re-reading or tearing over this beautiful love letter you’ve written to You Had Me At Loki. Seriously. Thank you.

Sorry, it's me again. I read "You Had Me At Loki". You owe me a couple of painkillers, a few nights worth of sleep and a couple of glasses of water. The painkillers are for the headache I had from all that angst and emotion, the sleep for all those nights/mornings I stayed up till 4 just to finish the chapter/begin a new one and the water for all the times I had to calm myself down and rehydrate myself after all the dehydration from crying. I tried to remind myself countless times that this is just a story and that you, thankfully, are not an orphan and have been brought up with a lot of love, so calm the heck down and stop behaving as if it’s your heart being torn asunder here. This is Arwynn, and she may look like you and this story is written in first person, but for the sake of your sanity, stop wondering if this is what you would be like if you were in her circumstances.

You know, I open a story and mutter a prayer, “Please let me be gifted with a strong female protagonist.” And when I say ‘strong’, I do not mean a woman who is necessarily mouthy and bold with a razor-sharp wit and intelligence. Those are nice traits to have, of course, but I look more for women who know their mind, who know when to say “enough”, who respect and love themselves before others and who call out the men on their bullshit. And when I see that a story does not have such a woman, who over the course of the story learns how deep this inner strength is, I feel disappointed.

In that sense, Arwynn disappointed me at first, because she was a woman who defined herself solely with respect to Loki. And I understood that that is obviously because in a life where all you receive is apathy and disregard at best and spite and contempt at worst, even the smallest smile and simplest act of kindness warms you the way no fire can ever. And when you have nothing else to go on for, nothing else to dream about, then you become determined to follow that kindness and hope and love to wherever it takes you. But understanding is not quite the same as realising something for yourself, I feel. As the story went on, I realised that I am looking at this wrong. This is not a story about a strong woman who realises her strength. This is a story about a woman who becomes strong. One of my favourite quotes is from Doctor Who and it is as follows: great men are forged in fire; it is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.

And this is exactly what happened … in this story – the likes of Odin and Lorelei and yes, even Loki for the bigger part of this story lit this flame and out emerged an Arwynn who found herself and understood that love was not just about loving someone without any heed or regard for anything else, but also loving someone even after they’ve hurt you but at the same time, loving yourself as well. Love was about knowing when to stay and when to go and when to come back. And Loki. Oh god, Loki. It hurts... Your Loki is so true to himself, so accurate that it hurts.

When I read fanfiction, I seek out a Loki who is at relative ease, who has scars but not open wounds, or is at least willing to let someone dress and soothe those wounds. A Loki who is definitely not free of anguish and rage and doubt but can still afford to be playful, mischievous, charming and sensual. Because hey, it’s fanfiction, and this Loki is easy to read and love and brings a smile to my lips and a series of “awww”’s out of my mouth. But your Loki was so hard to read, so hard to like and downright impossible to love most times. And that is exactly how he should be. Maybe I’ve become soft after reading all those easy-going Lokis. Or maybe I never had Arwynn’s devotion or strength. Or maybe I’m too invested in your story. But this Loki, the one who is so hard to like, is the one I loved reading. I am honestly tired of “dark” Loki being interpreted as some hypersexual rapey guy who picks up scared, unwilling women off the streets and dumps them in some sort of a harem. Your Loki is what is truly “dark!Loki” – Loki whose possessiveness at first comes not from love but from his insecurity and the need to stake his claim, Loki who is willing to cruelly hurt other people because he is worried that they will hurt him first. Loki, who as Frigga says (bless that woman honestly, just bless her) is so perceptive about everyone but himself. And I think truly that that is what Loki’s darkness about – not knowing, and worse, not willing to know, and confront his own self.

And honestly, your fic is making me ask questions that I really shouldn’t waste my time asking. If in some goddamn crazy occurrence were I to meet Loki, would I ever be able to love him? Would I ever be able to allow myself to love him? Am I too rigid and unyielding to love him? Will I have the strength and the humility to keep putting myself out there, knowing that I will have to do this for a very long time.

Sorry, Tumblr stopped me from sending any more asks) …because no one else has for this man’s entire 1000 years of existence? And most importantly, will I ever want to have this kind of love, humility, patience and strength for anyone? Because I think until you fall in love for real, you are always more in love with the idea of being in love. And I think I am too proud and shut off myself to allow someone to call me theirs without being able to call them mine from the onset.

And this, then, is why I love Arwynn even more, because although I can’t emulate her, she has still taught and shown me so much. Heck, I think she can teach the “Little Writer” too a lot about love and Loki. Now that would be a crossover worth reading. Urgh, I am so sorry for all these ramblings but honestly, your fics have just done that to me. They have made me feel and ask myself all these questions shamelessly, and perhaps more openly and explicitly. I think it’s best for both our sakes – your time and patience and my sanity – if you don’t write any more long stories. You won’t hear any complaints from me if you do, just an askbox brimming with feelings.

Before I conclude (about time, really), allow me to give Lady Katja an honourary mention. She is a non-toxic version of Severus Snape and I was so, so thrilled when you mentioned that she didn’t just love Eir, she was in love with Eir. I am the first one to insist that not all love needs to be romantic, but I also don’t like when people incorporate so much passion and vehemence and anger and frustration (especially in same-sex relations) only to pass it off as platonic love. Platonic love is no doubt strong and shouldn’t be underestimated, but it will never inspire the sheer fury behind the words that Katja uttered, so thank you for that. And thank you for this fic. I really do hope you write more Loki fics =)

First of all, please allow me to apologise for taking so long to get back to this amazing piece of… I can’t even bear myself to call it feedback because of how beautiful, eloquent, and thought-provoking it is. Plus, I need to pinch myself at how it’s 1,287 words long! It’s been a long, loooonnnng month and I’m just about recovering from a bout of fever and flu.

Okay, here goes: woman, your piece brought tears to my eyes. Tears! I remember reading and re-reading your words over and over again – hardly able to believe that a story of mine could invoke such strong emotions and the ability to push someone over the edge in such a manner. I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am that you stumbled upon my account and stories because you have been nothing but a ray of light and blessing in my inbox. You remind me all that I love about writing and why I even started in the first place. Not because of the beautiful comments and heartwrenching feedback I get (although those are always welcome and appreciated), but because I always feel that with each piece I put out in the world, I’m putting a piece of my heart and soul out there – light that I hope each reader will find at the end of their very own dark tunnel as they follow my characters’ story. It’s why I like to write complex characters with the central focus being on their emotions and how they evolve. I think as human beings, we don’t spend nearly enough time getting in touch with how we truly feel – preferring to shove things beneath a rug because it’s safer and it feels more comfortable. And I’d like to think of my stories being forged with the intention of being the proverbial bandaid that is ripped off to let sunlight flood all the dark and dusty corners most steer clear of.

Growing up, I’d always been fascinated by love and if you were to ask any of my highschool friends, I’d perhaps been more obsessed with the idea of it than as you put it, truly being in love. I wanted the pain, the sacrifice, the tears, and the heartbreak – I believed that nights spent sobbing into my pillow would amount to something. I believed that love would and could conquer all. Fast forward to college and after 5 years spent crushing on a guy whom I’d barely even had a decent conversation with (I was in love with the idea of him and projecting what I thought should be love onto him) – I met my first love. That was the first time I tore myself open and handed my heart and everything I had on a platter to him. Think: Arwynn at the beginning of YHMAL. We never did end up together (though he’d tell me I was one of the most important people in his life and that had been enough for me) – he got back with his and threw away our friendship by ghosting me completely.

But when I wrote YHMAL, I wasn’t in love. It had been about 3 years since that last devastating heartbreak and I had pulled myself together (I still had to see him around university though as he attended the same one I did). Still, my fascination with love continued and what saddened me tremendously was hearing how my friends approached their relationships and their views on love. My thoughts on love were labeled as ideal while I was frustrated at how the whole world seemed to be so jaded and cynical. Don’t get me wrong – as beautiful and whimsical as Disney fairytale endings are, I don’t have rose tinted glasses on. I may not believe in the thousand roses and fireworks in the background dream – but I believe in how enduring love can be. And that was when I just knew I had to write a story about that. About how love can conquer all – and I don’t mean it in a sappy, cliché sorta way. And by conquer, I don’t just mean two star-crossed lovers getting together, but by overcoming inner demons and growing as individuals as well. It was my way of saying and putting it out in the universe: “Listen, I may not have gone through it and it may never come for me, but I believe that somewhere out there, true love exists. And if this story can give someone the same hope I have, so be it.”

I feel that a lot of myself went into Arwynn at the beginning – all my hopes, dreams, wants, desires, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. I wanted the buildup, I wanted the sensuality tied in with the emotions so that when the heartbreaking scenes happened, it would hurt twice as much. I wanted to showcase Arwynn’s tenacity and how even if the rest of the world called her stupid and weak, she’d hold on tight. Because that too, in some form or another, is her strength. That determination and unwavering devotion.

I’d always had that ending in my head. A strange fact about all my stories – I always have the ending first before I develop the main plot and start of it. And while I’d always meant to write her growing stronger and realising that there was strength too in knowing when to walk away and when to prioritise yourself first – something else happened in my real life. I became deeply involved with someone who wanted nothing more than a fling. I’d never been with a guy and at the age of 23, he was my first kiss. With him, it was everything I’d envisioned a passionate relationship to be. I’m sure you can tell by now that I’m the sort of person who cannot separate emotions and sex. We never did go all the way – but our physical chemistry burned bright enough that when he realised I was looking for something deeper, he pulled out and I was the only one left torched. I was so badly affected by it, I had to go on a hiatus with this story. It wasn’t love – this much I knew. But I knew it could have been. Given time. Given effort on his part. It was difficult and painful to write a story about love when all I wanted to do was run from it. It was damn near impossible to write Loki when so many aspects of that character reminded me of the one guy who had reduced me to nothing but a hot mess on the floor – figuratively and literally (fun fact: his name is also Tom, so, double whammy!).

But I’m thankful for that experience. I’m thankful for how it’s made me grown and made me realise all the things I wanted and didn’t want in a partner and relationship. It taught me to never settle for less and that I should never again shortchange myself for someone who would never prioritise me. Suddenly, it became more imperative than ever that Arwynn carved her own path. That she realised that sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean giving up – it just means you’ve realised throughout it all, you’d forgotten the one person who should matter the most: yourself. I wanted a character who refused to be jaded and cynical about love, but also had grown enough to realise that it was okay to love yourself. And that loving yourself is often hard (especially if it means giving up something or someone you’ve loved for so long) but oh-so-necessary. And bless my friend who throughout it all, once told me: “Promise me, Li-Wei. No matter how heartbroken you’ll get, never stop reading your romance novels.” So, while I’ve always had that vision in my head, I believe I could have never written it in such depth or with such temerity had I not gone through that rough patch.

In a way, it almost saddens me and perhaps that’s why I’m so protective over this story. I’m not sure if I could ever produce such a piece like that again simply because my head and heart space are no longer the same. I’ve grown – and it’s a good thing – but sometimes, I do miss the girl I was when I was writing this piece. I also felt I was more in tune than ever with Loki (again, your thoughts on my dark!Loki brought tears in my eyes) – those motives as you’ve so eloquently put, are exactly what I’ve always envisioned his to be. He’s like a wounded animal – lashing out to hurt others before they can hurt him when all he really wants is genuineness and kind love.

It was difficult to write some parts – truly. Especially how he reacted when the book was initially burned. It was a hard decision to make because I knew in doing so, it would have pushed past a boundary. When it comes to “asshole” characters in books, I always have these visual boundaries. They can be snappy and snarky, but once they overstep that boundary – that’s it for me. I can’t bear to read on. So, it was interesting for myself to try to pick up the pieces and for me to make sure in a way, he redeemed himself. I needed him to stay true to character and I believe he would have reacted so initially and I needed a cutting point for Arwynn to realise that sometimes, what you put in (all her devotion to him), isn’t necessarily what you’ll get back. That was the first time it really sank in for her.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. Truly. I can’t even tell you what a joy it has been to read your masterpiece on YHMAL. I actually can’t wait to wrap up my How To Love A Writer series because I want to get back on track with my other Tom series which needs rewriting. That one is going to be emotionally draining as it navigates various aspects of what it means to be married. Other than that, I do have another idea for a Loki fic planted in my head but only after said Tom fic is completed. But till then, I will forever carry with me the lines: “As the story went on, I realised that I am looking at this wrong. This is not a story about a strong woman who realises her strength. This is a story about a woman who becomes strong.” And for them, I can never thank you enough.

#love #feedback #yhmal #you had me at loki #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #love for you had me at loki #love for yhmal #answered #omg #i love this #saiansha

22 notes · View notes