#many guys I found attractive in high school came out as gay

[malebodyexhibit]

A Second Chance (a Next Door Boy tale)

Do you think someone could do a better job at your life than you could?

That’s my friend, Erik. We were best friends growing up, but slowly lost connection with each other in middle school. He was more sports oriented than I was. He tried out for football, hockey, and basketball (basically all the sports), and he became the star of many people’s eyes. He was the object of many girls’ affection and the goal most guys wanted to be.

I thought I wanted to be like him, but I realized I had a crush on him. This truth just drove a deeper divide between us as we moved onto high school. I became more bookish and defined myself by becoming the opposite of him. When he got a sports scholarship and became a star athlete in college, I got an academic scholarship and became an honors student. He got a fiance and body other guys only wanted. I struggled to maintain a long-term relationship and was a certified twink.

No doubt I fit some’s idea of cute and sexy, but it never lasts. Everyone wants bigger. Everyone wants someone like Erik.

Because we were at the same college, I heard the news in class when it happened. He was rock climbing with friends when his hand slipped, but his gear (was it a belay?) failed to function and he suffered a fall.

The following weeks hung with a held breath as his fans waited to hear news of his recovery, but it released in a flood of sobs when it was found out he wouldn’t fully recover. There were loads of support, but also other athletes. He was respectfully replaced. The world had to move on.

So did his fiance after a year. “What he needs is a caretaker, not a wife,” she said when releasing a statement. “He won’t even be able to complete his marital duties.” Erik dropped from school shortly after. He didn’t feel like a real person anymore. Just a hushed tragedy why you shouldn’t take your health for granted.

I, on the other hand, failed a few classes, dropped from the honors program and did nothing remarkable for the past year. My last boyfriend cheated on me with his personal trainer. I walked in on them fucking on my bed.

But honestly, I’d cheat on me to if I had a chance with that hunk.

But what changed my life was finding the Next Door Boy agency. I fantasized living a life as some hunk getting pounded by older men. But alas, I was poor. When I wondered if I could become talent, the agent for Next Door Boy scoffed at me and said, “Who would want to be a scrawny gay nerd?”

I left pretty dejected and my thoughts went to Erik. He’d have no problem becoming talent before the accident Anyone would want to wear the skin of an attractive, undergrad athlete. But I doubt he’d do it if it was available then. He was honest and kind hearted. He worked for his goals and he would probably find the idea disgusting.

But now in his current state, would he consider leaving his life behind? The idea struck a fire in me and I finally looked him up all these years later. When I arrived at his family’s home, it seemed to be held in a state of quiet. After letting me in with smile that spoke of remembering her son’s childhood friend, she led me to Erik’s room. It was no longer an elementary kid’s room who loved card games or Tony Hawk. It was an almost hospital-clean room with him at the center.

It was hard to describe or be there. The reality of the situation hit me, but we spoke timidly. We reminisced about the old days, then he wanted to know more about my life. Each day, he’d pry a bit more as if wanting something from ‘real life.’ Finally it came out that I was depressed and the past few years flooded out. He listened intently and tried to comfort me. A good guy like him shouldn’t face this fate.

When I got the nerve to ask him about the Next Door Boy agency, his face twisted into a venomous and spiteful grimace. “Don’t mention them again.” It turned out that his ex-fiance had a series of arguments with him before she left about the agency. She wanted him to take all the donations, some loans, to find someone willing to house his mind in their body. She would even help him find the perfect body, but it was too much. He would rather not be a parasite and buy athletic performance and live someone else’s life. Then his parent’s brought up the idea a couple times, but he shot it down.

He then confided in me that he had thought about it. But there was just no money. The donations couldn’t afford it all and his adoring fans moved onto the next hot star. His parents would have had to take out so many loans. Imagine getting out of this broken body and falling into soul-crushing debt.

Also, who would give up their body for him?

“I would,” I said. I initially said it reflexively, but as I said it and saw the expression on his face change, I knew it was true. “We’ve been friends, Erik. You’ve always been someone I idolized even after we stopped talking. Especially since we stopped talking, because you kept doing your best and pushing yourself to new challenges. I can’t seem to even exist without failing. And there’s something else…”

I told him about how I felt growing up with him. About my crush on him and how I pushed him away because I was afraid of him rejecting me.

When I was finished, his eyes glistened with tears, we sat in silence for a moment, before I said, “If you’re okay with it, we can speak with NDB. This is something I want for you.”

And that’s how it happened. We spoke with the NDB agent and the process was available. Because we were providing the bodies (how morbidly put), the cost was vastly cheaper. As long as I could prove I wasn’t coerced into this decision, it was a go. We went through the procedure to place the implants and went over what to expect.

Unlike the usual subscription other clients get where one mind goes in and one mind goes out, we opted for sharing the same body. Erik wouldn’t have it any other way. “We’ve been apart long enough, let’s spend this together.” It was touching, but we also couldn’t afford a replacement body for me.

The agent mentioned that this was a proven safe method of co-habitation. It couldn’t be that we take turns in control. One of us would always be ‘watching’. Erik almost volunteered himself, but I interjected. I made him promise to live his life and let me experience it. The agent mentioned that this set up would lessen risk of something. I didn’t hear it.

When the procedure was finished, I watched as Erik as me stood up. He struggled for a bit orienting himself. He worked with a physical therapist to gain more confidence in his movements. When two weeks passed and he was able to spend an entire day doing normal activity, it was decided he could attempt strength training.

I could feel the effort he poured into the body as he lifted the dumbbell over his head (no longer can I call it my own). What had been my soft stomach was now glistening in sweat as he pulled himself up in a sit up. He gasped for breath and the start of a washboard stomach flexed with each exhale. After his workout, he stood in front of the mirror and flexed his biceps. What had been twig arms now bulged with muscle newly acquired from Erik’s training. He still wasn’t at his pre-injury form and probably won’t be for many years, but he taken a non-athletic body to such a piece of meat.

“Thank you so much,” he said.

“You don’t have to thank me,” I said in his thoughts. “You thank me everyday, but this is all you. I could never have done this.”

“I will keep thanking you until the day we die. Well, it’s time to shower.” He walked to his gym locker and stripped his underwear off. His cock flapped down. Before he had been hesitant to touch it without apologizing to me, but now he absent mindedly adjusted it. He started his strut towards the showers when a guy exiting the showers glanced at him. The man looked at Erik’s package and was about to say something when Erik said firmly, “Sorry, dude. I don’t swing that way. Got a girlfriend back home” He continued on his way.

After lathering his body and drying himself off, Erik pulled on some clothes. He has a great fashion sense and it looks great on his muscular frame. If I tried to dress that way before with my twink body, it’d look embarrassing.

Erik took out his phone and dialed his girlfriend. They got together several months after the procedure. He already worked my body semi-presentable, plus with a good haircut and a great personality, he snagged an awesome girl. My sexuality never passed onto him and I watched on many occasions as he rode his girl to climax. I never knew my dick would be so awesome in the hands of another guy.

“Hey, babe,” Erik huskily whispered into the phone. “I’m headed home. I worked myself hard, but I think I still have energy left in me for tonight. Yeah, I’ll pick some up on the way home. I love you, babe.”

I thought I’d be hurt to hear those words, but as Erik hung up, we both released a sigh of contentment.

#possession #male possession #male body possession #male takeover #gay male story #gay to straight #male transformation #male body exhibit #a next door boy tale #next door boy #jock #mental change

[curvylizzie]

Let me be open with you for a second

As you all know, my name is Samantha. That name was not given to me by my parents, but rather it is the name I chose for myself.

At the age of 11 I experience my first crush on a male, at the time I thought I was gay but then at the age of 13 I realized I was still able to have crushes in girls. So I realized I was bisexual

The guy I had a crush on was 4 years older than me. And I was extremely fond of him, so much so that I adopted his look, and made it my own. That’s why I love wearing plaid shirts.

I used to disguised this attraction by saying that he was like an older brother to me. That was my excuse but deep down, I had a crush on him just like any 11 year old would have a crush on their babysitter let’s say

But then at 15, my world shattered.

For more context; I was born to immigrants. My parents immigrated to Canada when I was very little, I don’t remember much of our home country. I grew up without grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts.

Because I never had these connections, and because I changed schools so frequently due to dad’s work, I was never able to make friends.

I was a very lonely kid.

My parents and siblings were my whole world, and I came to realize that without them, I would have no purpose

So back to 15. My parents divorced. My Dad called the cops on my mom for false accusations of domestic abused. My mom tried laying charges back for mental domestic abuse as well. I remember talking to one of the cops, asking if I was okay. I don’t remember my response….

My dad left us after that night. He went onto live outside and we rarely ever saw him.

That same year, me 15, my sister 11, and my brother 7 were faced with a choice that should never ever be imposed on any child; mom or dad

If we chose dad, mom threatened to go back to our home country and we would never see her again. But if we chose mom, we still had the possibility to see dad. The choice was clear

And although we chose mom, she made it next to impossible for us to form any sort of bond with dad

I hated her for this, I hated her immensely. She fell into a severe depression, and was taking meds at the times for which she became addicted to.

Every night, for the next year, I had to sleep close to the kitchen. She would walk there in the middle of the night and grab a knife. I caught her once about to commit suicide.

It was the darkest time of my life.

I fell into my own depression. But my life, my well being was put on hold.

I failed most classes in high school but I didn’t care. I had to find a job because mom wouldn’t.

I found something at a daycare, and gained a decent salary to help buy groceries, because of this, I was unable to build up enough credit to attend university. So I gave up on it.

My relationship with mom deteriorated further, and so did mine with my siblings.

Subconsciously I took on the role of a parent figure for them but they did not see it that way. I was trying to protect them from mom, but they didn’t think I was. And so my relationship with my siblings, specially with my brother, broke

My world was shattered. The only people I knew were fighting and moving apart from each other. I fell into a depression that I never bothered to get checked

I attempted suicide myself many times. But everytime I would do it, I would say to myself “they need me. I can’t go yet”

That kept me going

I joined the army to be able to provide even more, my salary was good. I was able to provide with food and rent. I stayed in for 5 years. And I left due to them not paying me on time in several occasions

During this time I had cut dad completely out of my life. Mom kept showing me court documents trying to brainwash me into thinking my dad was and I quote “the worst human being to ever exist and if I don’t see it, I must be as bad as him”

During the summer of 2021 I decided to stop the army work. I enrolled in a trade school for something I had a passion on, but was not my dream job; a mechanic. And in the month of January 2022, I started classes

At this time I had already made this blog without really thinking much of it. But I also had more time to explore my mind.

I realized there was so much more than what I thought, my sexuality for one.

I started wondering why kids in my school always treated me like a girl, saying I’m “too girly to be a boy”. Why I loved wearing long hair and it made me feel better about myself. Why wearing a towel as a skirt made me feel nice

I talked to a couple of people and then realized, I might be trans.

May 25, 2022. I start a discord server, for which people rapidly started joining.

I was this enigmatic server owner people knew next to nothing about. Some started thinking that I was a woman behind the screen, for the way I talked and treated others in and I quote “a motherly way”

This made me feel better, and made me realized finally; I was a trans woman.

With that in mind, I knew if I told my family, they would not accept it. So I went months practicing makeup, dressing the way I wanted to dress, all in secret.

Moving to December 2022. My sister showed interest in what’s inside my head. I came out to her. I told her everything and she said “I did not know you had all this built up. Why didn’t you say anything?” Because nobody ever asked.

The thoughts of suicide started creeping up again. My friends online will remember this, and thank you again for saving me.

January 2023, I tell mom. And I tell dad. My dad at this point lives in a different province. I never see him anymore

Mom was not accepting of me, but she assured me that she would still love me, but would rather see me in boy clothes.

With all this, my family started distancing themselves because they could not believe that I was trans. Or rather they just didn’t wanna accept it.

I felt lonely

I felt scared

I felt anxious

I wanted to die

I had no more reason to keep living. My family didn’t want me around.

Last night… I could not see the light anymore. I don’t have a family to keep working for, they were my world and now they don’t want me.

I felt lonelier than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Ever.

I cried, and I screamed. My sister said to “submit to God” and brushed me aside

I walked up to my apartment. I grabbed a knife.. I looked at it for 30 minutes, trying to find a reason to stay. I couldn’t find one.

I placed the knife to my heart, but couldn’t do it. I layed on the floor, crying. And that’s when my brother came in, he was looking for something. And he found me. Asked me if I was okay, I said no…

I grabbed the knife once again, and he saw what I was doing, he took it away from me, and sat with me.

He saved my life last night.

When you lose a friend irl, you have at least the luxury of knowing, but someone online… they just wouldn’t show up anymore and you wouldn’t be able to know if they’re still around anymore or not.

Im sorry to all of you for almost doing that.

My life has been one with so much loneliness, I would never ever wish this on anyone. Ever. That is why I focus on helping others socialize, that is why that whenever someone comes to me for advice or because they need someone, I drop whatever the hell im doing, even if I’m crying my eyes out and go to talk to them.

I do so much, and rarely I ever get anything in return. But that is fine by me, because I’ve been able to build a community of people who now not only they follow this example, they send messages to me re-affirming what I believed; that I’ve saved them.

So thank you all for reading up to the end of this post. It was long and I won’t lie. But I had to make it.

You guys have helped me find myself, and have saved me before.

I promise to work on myself everyday so to stay with you all for as long as possible

Sam

[millerflintstone]

I found out someone who was a friend a very long time ago died suddenly last July. He was 49. That's doing my head in. I've rarely blogged about him. About Eric. But we were inseparable for a while.

He was a manager at the movie theater along with Unfriendly, though they only worked together for about a year or maybe less. Eric also ended up at that theater due to a general manager move, like Unfriendly. And Eric was one of that manager's assistants. He was 19 at the time in 1992, and I think the youngest assistant manager for the then small FL theater chain. He had braces! I was 18.

We ended up becoming really close for a couple of years. He was gay but not fully out. I had a friend from high school, also gay, who would visit me at the theater and he developed the biggest crush on him. Eric was gorgeous.

We did go out clubbing a lot and just hung out quite a bit. We were best friends for a time. Everyone at the theater assumed we were dating. We weren't, obviously. The term "beard" wasn't popular then, but that's what I was. And since he was attractive and approachable, women were just drawn to him. I would get such the stink eye from this one model gal who would also visit him at work and flirt with him. And now that I'm thinking back, he got the equivalent from dudes who were interested in me.

I was such a good friend that he wanted me to meet his mom. She loved me. She told Eric he should marry me at one point (!), which he told me about. I can't remember when he came out to her but it wasn't when we worked together. She even had me over for Thanksgiving when she found out I had never had a traditional turkey dinner.

Ultimately, he was not a good friend. By the time I went to UNC in 1996 to finish college, we weren't talking anymore. I reconnected with him a couple of years after graduation. His mom was excited about that.

We were supposed to get together when Unfriendly and I were visiting his family in FL for the holidays that year. 2000. Eric was flying in from CA and was fully out by then. I vaguely remember talking to his mom on the phone when he was late because I was worried and he wasn't answering his cell phone. But he stood me up. I did leave him an angry voice mail, but I never heard back. Never got an email or anything.

But we did have such a blast hanging out for a couple of years. He loved Depeche Mode. He gave me all of his old DM cassettes when he got everything on CD. We saw them for their 1993 Songs of Faith and Devotion tour. I've been on a DM kick lately. I got to thinking about him yesterday while listening to DM and decided to go searching. That's how I found the obituary.

I'm in shock. Sad that we couldn't be friends and that he never explained why he never showed up to catch up but that's minor. Really feeling my mortality, mostly. He was very fit and the obituary doesn't say how he passed. His partner has a lot of public Facebook posts but no one made a comment about what the cause of the sudden death was. Just that his partner was at his bedside in the hospital. They lived in Atlanta. I knew that his mom and stepdad moved to GA when we're emailing / talking on the phone in 2000, so that wasn't a surprise.

I'm happy he found a good partner. They had been together for 12 years. And Eric was well liked and successful. People shared so many pictures in the memories section. One was a picture from 1993 at his mom and stepdad's wedding. That made me smile. I remember that version of him.

Sadly, she passed as well. The last time I went looking for him it was her obituary I found. I think if he had predeceased her, I'd reach out to his mom. I feel way too weird about things to leave a memory on the obituary page or anything like that. Though I did see a familiar name of a guy that was a friend to him that I met and hung out with. That guy commented that they had grown apart as well in his condolence post.

I could look through my journals and pictures and maybe I will eventually. But not today.

#grief blogging #I'm ok #a weird gut punch but ok #gbf #in terms of the timeline #Unfriendly started at the theater the next year #Eric stayed on as a manager for a while #ugh I'm 49 #death feels like Russian roulette at this point

[braveblackbutterfly]

Farewell to The Owl House: a personal essay (warning: this a long post)

When Steven Universe ended in 2020, I didn’t think I would ever find another animated show that I would grow to love dearly.

And then I found The Owl House a couple of months later.

I started seeing gifs (like this one) and posts about this cartoon on my dashboard, similarly to how I discovered Steven Universe. Eventually, I decided to check it out on Disney Now. I watched the first episode and immediately liked it. So I watched the next episode and the next til I caught up a week before the episode that rocked the world (or at least the fandom’s world).

Enchanting Grom Fright. 

I have seen a few epic moments/episodes in children’s animated shows like Steven Universe and She-Ra. But there was just something about the lumity dance scene and the episode as a whole that just warmed my heart. And when Dana Terrace confirmed that Luz is bi (and later that Amity’s a lesbian), I was over the freaking moon.

Growing up, I never saw much if any (good) representation of bisexual characters in the media. I just assumed people were either gay or straight. I recognized my attraction to boys when I was a kid and immediately assumed I was straight, ignoring any signs that I liked girls too because I liked guys, so I can’t be gay, right?

Right?

It wasn’t until college and meeting one of my roommates who was bi and being introduced to her queer group of friends that I began to realize “yes, people can like men and women, or any genders for that matter.” And I finally allowed myself to ask the question: “do I like women too?” The answer was yes and I began identifying as bisexual (or queer when people act like they can’t understand bisexuality *eye roll*).

So finally seeing a show with a bi protagonist whose also a girl of color and neurodivergent just made me felt seen all these many years later. To know that kids and teens (and yes, adults too) can see a character like themselves or realized that bi people actually exist and are actually you know...people who deserves love and respect.

Luz is one of my favorite characters in the series, and I relate to her a good amount. But I relate to a few other characters too, particularly Amity.

I talked about this in another post I made last year (or was it 2021?) but going to talk about it on here too.

Lost in Language is one of my favorite season 1A episodes, for many different reasons. But mainly because of the progression of Luz and Amity’s relationship (from Amity wanting nothing to do with Luz to admitting she was harsh with her and them hitting the reset button).

I have been an Amity in the past. Not the mean/bitchy attitude Amity back then, coming from a rich or esteemed family. But I was the top student of my class too.

I had to be.

Not because of my parents like in Amity’s case. But because I had no other social standing in middle and high school. Students knew my name because of my high grades, my awards and eventually graduating as salutatorian. Yes, I’m still a tiny bit disappointed about the salutatorian thing. It was a battle between me and another girl throughout our 4 years in school, but she ended up becoming valedictorian.

In middle school, I had a Luz at my school. She kept trying to be my friend, but I wanted nothing to do with her. It always felt like whenever I was around her, something bad would happen. Especially this one incident. I was at my locker, ready to go home when she came by. She was twirling her baton, and it smacked me on my head. I got pissed and told her off. She profusely apologized, but I was too mad to accept her apology, and I left.

Looking back, I know I was too harsh with her. It was just an accident. She didn’t mean for the baton to hit my head. But at the time, I didn’t want her around. So unlike Luz and Amity, we never became friends.

I have slowly but surely grown to not care about being the best student, the best employee, the best child, the best this and that. I am an awesome person because of the person I have grown into, making changes and opening my mind and falling in and out of like/love with my friends (and more than friends). And no one can dictate the path I choose for myself.

I typed all of this to simply say: I love The Owl House.

I sometimes hate admitting it because Steven Universe still means a lot to me, but The Owl House has become my ultimate favorite cartoon of the newer generation (I’m a 90s baby and 90s/early 2000s cartoons still have my heart).

Besides relating to the characters and enjoying both the lighthearted and heartbreaking moments, this show has awakened the creativity in me.

I am a writer...or at least I love writing. But I haven’t done or shared that many projects of mine online. But in 2021, I gave drawing another chance, specifically redrawing screenshots. I liked my work and had the bravery to share my artwork on here, which I still do. I have to admit that my drawing skills have improved throughout the years. I still don’t feel ready to make art inspired by my own ideas. If I did, I would make and post a hundred black racebent Amity/canon Luz fanart. 

And this year, I posted my very first fanfic. I have written fanfics before, but never ever shared them with anybody, especially not for the whole world to read. But again, this show inspired me so much that I just had to start sharing it.

Plus, my creative projects has helped me make some of the best friends I have ever made on here. And I love having their support and supporting them when they share their projects.

I’m not ready to see this amazing show come to end tonight. But I don’t think I will ever truly be ready to say goodbye. I’m going to miss this show. All the laughs, all the cries, all the shipping moments.

Thank you to the creator, the cast, the crew, and everybody who helped make this cartoon come into existence.

Us weirdos will always stick together.

#bbb butterfly #the owl house #toh #luz noceda #amity blight #lumity #bi representation #leeann art #i do not own these gifs

[purplecatghostposts]

Nobody asked for this but here are my Marble Hornets sexuality/romantic orientation HCs because it’s PRIDE MONTH

- Brian- Has been openly bisexual ever since he learned what the word meant. His mom is really supportive and while not everyone else has been, Brian doesn’t care. He’s comfortable about it and doesn’t shy away from it. Thinks he might be on the asexual spectrum but isn’t sure yet.

- Jay- Has known he was gay since he was young but kept it within small circles of people he trusted, his moms included. Came out in high school, got some bad reactions but ultimately came out alright and has gotten more confident about it in college.

- Alex- Didn’t realize he was bisexual until 8th grade but stayed firmly in the closet as his family is pretty shitty. Accidentally ended up in a queer friend group in college, came out to them casually and has gotten more confident about it since then

- Tim- Didn’t think about romance a whole lot until he actually got to college and isn’t really sure about labels so he just goes by queer and keeps it at that. Doesn’t bring it up a whole lot but enjoys going to pride and such.

- Sarah- Assumed all girls found other girls attractive until she brought it up to some other girls and learned that no, not everyone felt that way. Experienced some backlash for being openly queer but her guardian/uncle always had her back so Sarah bounced between a few different labels before ultimately settling on Bi.

- Seth- Didn’t experience a whole lot of crushes growing up and figured he’d just date when he was older. Dated a bit in high school and while he didn’t experience much romantic attraction, he did like doing romantic based things. Used to go by Aromantic but MH Cast ended up being the people he first experienced romantic attraction with so he now goes by Demiromantic.

- Amy- Doesn’t really have a defined label as she didn’t figure out she liked girls too until late high school and didn’t have anyone she could talk to it about it. Thankfully she met and joined the group, fitting right in, and now has a lot more people she can talk to about it.

- Jessica- Learned she liked girls and not guys early on but kept it to herself as some people around her made it sound like she was a bad thing. However, she got picked up by a queer friend group in late middle school and introduced to the term lesbian and now proudly goes by it.

- Bonus: Taylor- Didn’t figure out she was a lesbian until college and is still feeling it out but is slowly getting more confident in the idea about it. Hasn’t gone to pride yet because she wants to go with someone but really wants to.

Also all of them are polyamorous across the board because I think many of them have kissed before.

#marble hornets #SB Speaks #I would do gender hcs but those constantly change #I am a huge fan of transfem Amy though #that one stays the most consistent but the rest all shift #Which. makes sense considering MY gender does that #anyways. these bitches gay TO ME. #homophobia m #there is some projection here but good luck finding out which ones.

[psycholojosh]

Six Lessons from My Coming Out Experiences

I have been pretty much been gay most of my life. When I was 7 years old, I had my first instance of same-sex "attraction" at a birthday party I attended that had a paired game involving a lot of running and contact. At 12, I decided to engage my self-identity more proactively. At 13, I had my first boy crush on my cute chinito classmate in freshman year. At 14, I admitted to myself that I "wasn't straight." And by 16 onwards, I was for sure a "Kinsey six" gay. And now, I am currently a 24-year-old gay man who is fussing about academics and making a living for himself in a world full of chaos, excitement, confusion, exploration, triumphs, and tribulations.

Knowing my authentic self had a lot of ups and downs, but these experiences gave me the sense of importance this liberation I feel today. Since we're all limited by our pandemic and I'm committed to exercising my journal writing and blogging, I wanted to share six out of the many lessons I've learned as a queer person.

This is for all you queer kids out there who are searching for themselves and fighting for the liberty of their identity.

First of all, why only six?

Why not ten? Or a hundred, if I say there are a lot?

Well, I could sit here in write about the many anecdotes that evidence my gayness. In fact, I could write a coming-of-age themed book about it now. But, the number six isn't really anything tied with superstition, yet it has its relevance. As hinted earlier, 'six' in Alfred Kinsey's 1948 scale (which measures homosexual feelings and behaviors) is a score that signifies total or utmost homosexuality. And, that's as sentimental and sexy as it gets (at least for me).

Without further ado, here they are...

Lesson 1: Explore, explore, explore!

My first coming out experience was to my then-gay, now-transwoman friend, Pao, in junior year of high school. Pao and I studied in an all-boys Catholic school, so you could just imagine the internal and external conundrum for us queers - closeted or out. We were very close and I considered her (I'm using her current preferred pronouns) to be one of my closest friends because we just get along in many ways and enjoy a lot of pop music and gay anthems together. Although, she had her own clique of queer friends from our batch which she would hang around with way more than myself. Likewise, I had my own barkada - it was all good.

On the week that I finally came out to myself, the first person I wanted to share my latest self-discovery was Pao. I told her about it on a school day after our classes ended. As people were leaving, I approached her and broke the news. Without alerting the straight (we assumed) guys around us, her eyes widened and a smile was shown.

"Ahh, okay!," she said, "So anong nararamdaman mo?" "Masaya. Pero, ano na ang sunod?"

She paused briefly and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Basta i-explore mo lang yan. Explore ka lang!" A very brief exchange followed shortly of me asking questions and her answering them the way she knows how. Then, she gave me one more smile and a tug on my shoulders, before she picked up her things and left to go home.

I didn't appreciate this piece of advice until I reached college. Granted, high school was a different story with all the institutionalized stigma. I was fortunate to have broken out of that culture and into a university that has a more progressive view on queer identities. I found more acceptance and nonjudgment to be explorative. At 16, it was hard to know where to start.

There are many gateways we can approach a deeper getting-to-know with your queer self. One is being educated. In my freshman year in college, I attended many talks about SOGIE 101. Various experts and advocates have shown me the different dimension our sexualities are integrated. At the time, I knew I was cisgender. I was sure that boys were the sex I had attractions to. And - gosh, there were many ways I maximized my exploration on this, from crushes to casual things. Some regrettable, some enjoyable to remember.

However, my gender expression was what I initially had a struggle with. I wasn't sure if how I wanted to present myself in terms of the gender spectrum. While I knew I was secure about a more "masculine" expression, I often found comfort in being "feminine" as well. It wasn't until I had my therapy and my heart-to-heart with my mentor (a gay therapist, who's in the US now) that I realized that I can be both, and that it depended on who I was with -- such as our social behaviors.

What I am currently exploring further is my sexuality. Dating has been an eye-opener to me because it wasn't something my parents discussed with us as kids or teens. I learned through experience, which I'm sure a lot of queer kids do. But, being adventurous about your sexual and romantic exploration entails accountability and responsibility. I often had to do a lot of trial-and-error to establish my personal limits and boundaries clearly. What I found helpful was to talk to my fellow gay friends back in college. Our heart-to-heart talks seemed to have paid of well.

Exploration is the number one thing us, queers, have to enjoy most of all. After all, when the world is rid of queer-phobias and stigma, you only have yourself to find or make your happiness. As the saying goes, "The world is your oyster." I better hope that you and I find our own pearls. Trust me, as a 23-year old gay man, this is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

Lesson 2: Coming out to others is not a requirement, but it sometimes helps.

I didn't realize the sensitivity of the coming out experiences of us, queers, until my first encounter back in high school. I'd like to first mention that my coming out to Pao - and subsequently to my closest friends, was brief yet liberating. As a young teen, I immediately thought that coming out was something 100% helpful, hence every queer person should do it. (I also had the mindset that the more people who out themselves strengthens our visibility and, therefore, our pride.)

Needless to say, the mindset that young me had was misguided...

Yes, coming out has its perks; but it also has its risks.

No, coming out isn't something that everyone should do.

Why is that?

When I got my first SOGIE 101 talk (courtesy of my history professor who invited a queer rights advocate), it was the very first time that i heard the words, "Coming out is not a requirement and should be a personal decision - no one else's."

Immediately, I realized past experiences that I witnessed or experienced that deviated from this notion... and ended up regretting some of them. The coming out process is truly personal. It definitely was for me. The process of wanting liberty to be myself - to shed my true rainbow colors in front of my chosen public's eye - was something internally developed. While not purely, it is not regularly motivated by the external rewards of performing the act. Even the definition of "liberation" is subjective. Some people may find that liberty is when they do other ways of integrating their queer identity. Even so, some people may or may not find coming out as important to that integration process.

After all, do straight people come out? Nope.

Will it harm anyone if you prefer not to verbalize your gender identity? I don't think so.

But should one ask one's gender identity anyway? How do we know where our fellow birds of the same feather would be? This was a simple question with a tricky answer. Asking someone's gender identity isn't something to be avoided. In fact, most queer people find the gesture affirming because it entails your own sensitivity to queer communities. But, you often find that queer people who answer this question more comfortably have come into terms with their gender. Conversely, those who have yet to do so, may not refuse to answer you or cloak their answer in heteronormativity. Queer people can and should choose who to come out to. No one else gets to take that opportunity away from them.

What I learned as I met more queer people in my life (or even those who are questioning) is to be more nonjudgmental. To craft a safe space, not only for yourself, but for other queer people around you. And you do that by being knowledgeable (or at least sensitive to) about the process of coming out, and to be respectful of another person's self-identity and decisions. Things like, "I'm here if you want to talk about personal things," is something I've said effectively to open up the conversation. But again, only do so when you know they are ready. In this way, you avoid being the douchebag of outing someone prematurely and uncomfortably. You offer them the respect as they deserve it.

So, my dear queer reader, don't come out unless you are ready to. Until you find a more personal and uplifting reason to do so.

Lesson 3: Your sexuality is only your business - not anyone else's.

In connection to the past lesson, this third one comes with both personal experience with mistakes and delving more into questions I have answered back in college.

The concept of sexuality is actually quite vast. For one, we understand this as an identity. On another, we also construe this as a pattern of acts - not necessarily related to sex or the like. How I understood it was well enough of both - an identity and an act - mainly because I believe that the concepts of actions and identities have an interrelationship. Sometimes, how we know ourselves is how we behave; and other times, we identify ourselves by how we view or label ourselves with. And there are two key things that this idea has brought out to me.

Firstly, when sexuality is yours, it is only yours to begin with. No one else owns it. No one else can shape it, command it, control it. Only you, just you. And the beauty of this is that this makes us feel more in touch with ourselves. Having a stronger sense of self is always helpful when we are searching for authenticity. And this subjectivity is what makes us rainbow unicorns unique. Even if we share commonalities in how we see ourselves as queer people, we often find that the spectrum has a spectrum of individuality within. Too profound? Well, that's how deep it gets, really.

But let's make things a bit more simpler. There are many ways we can own our sexuality. Some of us prefer to express it in certain ways we present or express ourselves, like clothing, language, or mannerisms. No matter how hyperfeminine, androgynous, or hypermasculine we choose to behave, the most important part of them all is the way we feel within. Do you feel good with how you express yourself? Do you find comfort speaking like that? And so on.

On the other hand, some other people explore their sexuality in their attractions, relationships, and sex. This, I think, is a subject for another article, but worthy of explanation here. Another fun thing about queer culture is that we pay neither reward nor ridicule to promiscuity. Most, if not all, believe that it's part of our human nature. And regardless how much of that instinct is expressed by you, you are still considered valid and worthy of celebration. In exploring this side of yourself, you have to ask yourself how much of this side of yourself do you think matters to you. Not everyone finds it to be so, while others find it completely important - and either is perfectly okay! There is no harm in experimenting on what define your sexuality. What matters is how you make your sexuality feel like you - as long as you remain safe and secure.

Secondly, as I have been hinting for the past paragraphs, comes the idea of accountability over what we own. I'll explain more in detail later, but for now, you have to understand that we are not beings simply living just to be. We also have our own responsibilities as human beings, let alone people who belong in our social or cultural spheres.

Moreover, your sexuality is your story to tell. How you want anyone, regardless of intimacy or closeness, would like to perceive you is totally up to you. No one else gains the right to have a say on what you think, do, or say with your body and mind - especially when it has to do with your true self. And regardless if you are queer or not, this should be the standard for everybody.

If and when you come out, understand by heart that you do it for yourself, by yourself, and with yourself. And whether or not you choose to do so, your celebration of yourself must be noted.

Lesson 4: We make or choose our family. And sometimes, they come to us too.

There have been only a few stories I have heard about that had happy coming out stories to their own nuclear families. Often, especially in the traditionally Filipino family, the outcome is being outcast. And there is a vast sea of stories that share common themes of challenges, successes, emotions, and realizations. Like I said, coming out is not a requirement. But if your goal is to liberate yourself for whatever reason or from whoever you think deserves to meet you for you, I cannot guarantee that you will not face challenges, both internally and externally.

In my personal experience, coming out to my family was calculated. I first came out to my brother in my family. I remember doing so over one of my depressive episodes. I wrote down on a piece of paper, "I'm gay," and showed it to him in tears during one of our arguments. While my brother was not necessarily affectionate, I appreciated his acceptance. My female cousin - younger than me - was the second to find out. It was smoother, and didn't take more than five minutes. And to no surprise, she celebrated it. But my mother and father had two different occasions but similar reactions.

"Ang sakit magka-anak na bakla. You need to be successful as Boy Abunda to be a gay person." (in tears)

"Oo, alam ko na! A teacher told me and a classmate [of yours] confirmed it!" (in an angry tone)

There's a whole lot of quotes I could relay, but I choose to focus on these two who came from either of them. You could probably guess which one is which. But two recurring themes here is how much we feel invalidated and that we have conditions set upon us. Hearing these words from them hurt like hell. I'm often a hard rock in emotionally laden situations, but not everyone can be like that. Being made small, unimportant, or even unworthy to be asked about yourself from the people who you once trusted for care creates a dent in our sense of self and individuality. And depending on a lot of things, some of us recover faster than others.

It has been better ever since I came out to my parents. I found that a lot of the times, they're just worried about how life or society would treat us for who we are. In my own way, I try to probe and investigate where they are with tolerance or, even better, acceptance. And I do my best to educate them on things they are still confused or ignorant of in the most polite way. I still love my parents - albeit with complexities. But, I'm fortunate to see (at least one of) them try.

But, if you find yourself not relating to this story, I understand! Not everyone has been fortunate with their own families. Which is why... the power of self-authenticity is we get to gravitate towards the people who we can call our own. A chosen family is better than none at all.

Finding your own chosen family shouldn't be too hard these days, but it will take a little bit of putting yourself out there. I didn't find my own queer niche until I came into college. Granted, the university I attended is a very progressive one, finding your queer friends isn't all too hard if you learn how to express yourself comfortably and - more importantly - ground yourself on self-love and self-appreciation. I met my first group of queer friends when I joined my college org and started doing projects. While we were in it for the work and the advocacy of the org, we all wanted to make friends and have a gay (pun intended) time.

For me, it didn't come out as ideal at the beginning. When I was still discovering my sexuality, I struggled with a lot of insecurities about my image, behavior, and self-worth that I forgot to enjoy things as they are, to enjoy relationships as they bloom. In turn, it made me feel ironically disconnected with the queer people in my community and left me feeling alone to some extent. But later on, I realized that people are there to love me and celebrate me - so why not I do so myself? Later on, I grew closer to my gay friends (and queer-allied friends). I found that they'll always be there for me flaws and all. Even now, while we're on our separate career paths, we still choose to seek each other out through thick or thin - especially in these trying times.

While a lot of us find ourselves to be the lone wolf surviving in the woods - you can't deny that it's a tough life to live. You have to find that emotional support and connection that can cultivate your queerness and help you become a better person in every way possible. And you can do that, with the people around you. Shake away any worries, feel comfortable in your own skin, and go meet the world around you!

Lesson 5: Embrace vulnerability, accountability, and authenticity.

One of my passions as a psychologist-in-training is to help queer people with their queer struggles. Part of the training is for us, trainee therapists, to understand the value of three things: experiencing vulnerability, upholding accountability, and being with authenticity. These three aspects cut across many emotional challenges that people face, regardless of gender identity. And as trainees, we usually have to deal with this ourselves before we even begin teaching this to our clients.

So far, the journey I've had in this was very rocky -- as it should. Many a time, I've been faced with different kinds of challenges as a queer person that affected my personal understanding, my relationships, and even my mental health. The thing that I had the most difficulty grasping is marrying vulnerability and accountability to 'walk' myself towards an authentic life I deem worth living. A lot of the time, I used to redirect blame for my negative emotions in response to challenges to anything - or even anyone - but myself. For example, I used to blame my upbringing in a broken family for the way I learned how to hide my gay-ness from the people closest to me, especially friends. But, I later realized that, just like embracing my choice to come out as gay to my family and friends, I must embrace the emotional experiences that arise from vulnerable moments. In this way, I learn how to understand myself a bit more especially when faced with challenges tied to my identity. Stigma from other people, self-stigma, self-loathing, insecurities, and envy of others who have a "better" queer life than mine. When I acknowledge how I feel as it is, I learn how to respond to the experience with a bit more compassion and effectiveness. Granted, there are matters in which the blame may be redirected elsewhere validly. Yet, we cannot always shake the feeling of taking ownership of our experiences -- regardless of how much agency we have in them. In fact, it might not be the healthiest thing to do.

Insofar as my training goes, I noticed that a lot of the queer clients I've taken under my wing (mostly gay young men) have expressed a similar notion: struggles that root themselves with the fear of embracing their vulnerable selves with accountability. When my queer clients tell me that they refuse to acknowledge the roles of their emotions, their choices, and even their self-concept, I often witness how much suffering they experience. Perhaps this suffering may be stemming from the impasse on a journey towards being "themselves." While I cannot claim any expertise in this matter just yet, I did observe how helping people realize that owning up to vulnerable experiences makes them less afraid to deal with the suffering that comes along with coming out, warranted or not. There is strength in being vulnerable just as there is liberation in accountability. What matters most, I believe, in helping people realize this is that they matter and their experiences -- from the most positive to the most negative -- are key to understanding the essence of living a fulfilling, authentic, queer life.

This process will be one of the most painful parts of the journey. But trust me... it will be the most necessary step into a life that you and I want for our queer selves. Just remember that you are not alone in this.

Lesson 6: Love yourself now more than ever.

I cannot stress this enough. While cliché is an appropriate term to use in this lesson, you can never deny the power of showing yourself the love you deserve from yourself. And I know what you're thinking, "How does one even learn how to do that anyway?" Good question.

There is no single answer to this because all of us are different. We've had our own journeys to get to where we are. What I think underlies a lot, if not all, of these experiences, is the amount of value we put on ourselves. However you wish to do that depends on you. But there are a couple questions you can ask yourself as you decide how you want to practice self-love:

Do I learn something new or enrich something I already knew about myself?

Does this act of self-love add to my value or keep my dignity intact?

Do I do this out of caring for myself as if I were selfless acting this onto others?

Do I feel liberated from my worries and self-doubts, even just by a little?

The more we say yes to each question shows how much our choice of acting in self-love reflects an authentic and liberating one.

Needless to say, a genuine and healthy kind of self-love is a "cure" to many problems we experience inward, We not only prevent ourselves from spiralling down on ourselves, but we also protect and build strength against the adversity of a cold, cruel world. We learn how to navigate through suffering as if it were an experience that's part of the ebb and flow.

Like the fifth lesson, I realized the importance of understanding your own self-worth. Queer people, I believe, are a universal gift. We make magic through our talents and beliefs. And we show compassion through our drive. In one conversation I had with my mentor sometime in 2019, one of the most painfully beautiful things about being queer is that there are things that only we know. Our unique experiences become a beacon for others. Let's keep practicing that through showing ourselves the right kind of love. Who knows, this may also lead you to finding the right love for yourself?

Wrapping it up...

Coming out is a journey. It's not like a light switch that turns off or on and is no in-between (unless you count the dim-lights setting). On this road ahead, we get to have encounters with different people who want to learn about who we are. It's just a matter of making space for them to walk beside us - especially those who choose to do so.

Happy Pride!

#lgbtq #coming out #personal growth #RPmNotes #queer stories #lgbtq stories #lgbtq pride #pride 2022

[rowanswriting]

uhm. So.

Growing up in a small conservative town, wasn't bad I had lots of good memories. Most of my family is not conservative so I got to have both views of things which was nice but

I went to church because my parents were like....higher ups? If that makes sense. And I still love God, still read my Bible. But the church I went to growing up was anti LGBT. Okay? So, my parents don't go there anymore. My parents are cool. They are okay with it *got in fights with people at the other church and basically left and started their own because God is love right and anyways not gonna get religious*.

I had some friends there. I was still friends to this day with a guy. He was sweet and kind and- well he checked all the boxes if that makes sense. Everything you'd want in an ideal partner...and I felt nothing. He liked me. I turned him down and we remained friends. We still hung out and were close. That was about 4 years ago now? We both moved to different areas but kept contact. He dated other girls and I didnt date anyone. He's relevant later.

So, growing up around an area we're LGBT wasnt ok, even tho my parents were cool with it, I got bullied. In middle snd high school. Got called a f**, a d**e, and like lesbian. Because I never dated a guy. I was the perpetual single friend. People claimed "well if she won't date a guy then she must be gay" which is stupid to think. I focused more on school then guys so I didnt care. But it caused all LGBT stuff to have a bad connotation in my mind i guess? The bullying was harsh. Had my number posted on all sorts of sites and got so many calls I had to change my number. Twice. Got slapped a few times, because girls don't punch supposedly. It was just not good.

I met a girl when I was 21 , she was 30. She was a proud ally supposedly. This was a few years ago.. She had a 13 year old who came out as pan and non-binary. Good for them. The kid told me they liked my vibes, and came to me for just general advice. This "friend" always would try to find out what we talked about and claimed I was helping them "with that gay stuff". I was straight...and this friend tried to out me. They forced me in situations where we went to a gay bar (I didnt know at the time) and paid someone to kiss me...to prove i was gay because I didn't push them away (I was shocked??). They outed me at work, but made it a joke (like oh yeah she doesn't like dick, haha, wink wink nudge nudge. And I'd be like no I do?? And she would laugh and be like oh you joker). She left me alone with a guy who had a crush on me, who touched me while I was drunk, and she knew. That whole situation was fucjed up but she knew he would try something I later found out and she knew I was so drunk I could barely stand. She knew and the next day she said "well you won't like men now huh". She never apologized and then went on asking if I was going to come out now. I didnt. She talked our other friend away from me claiming I was in love with her, I wasnt. The other friend ended up getting in a car accident and...she isnt the same, long story short. And I cried and cried because she was my friend!! And this girl claimed I cried because I missed my opportunity to tell her my feelings. Its insane to think of all the shit she did and i let her because she was so good at convincing and manipulating. And after our other friends wreck it was like..she understood? She was closer??She played the victim well if you ever pointed a finger at her. She kept asking if I was a virgin or if I slept with anyone, and I would never really answer and she claimed I must still be a virgin cause a man didn't fuck me, I must have slept with a woman. Anyways it ended with her when I moved again...

So anyways, for all these reasons I've never felt...comfortable? My best friend and I have talked about men AND women we find attractive. And its comfortable. And I thought it was normal because to me and her it is normal to be like oh I'd totally fuck this woman... which apparently is not normal. Back to the guy I mentioned the one who's got it all (good with animals and kids, financially stable, kind). We...aren't friends anymore? Because he called me a lesbian in a v condescending manner. Which I thought he was an ally because his sister is a lesbian?? But then he started making comments and calling me a slut and how I lead guys on and saying slurs and-

I dont. I've never dated a single male. But it just made me feel worse about myself? But recently...I've realized huh maybe I am..not straight?

Its hard to go through my feelings as stated above, but to be quite honest the religious aspect is like barely even a reason I just threw that in there so you knew what the area was like. My parents were okay with it so I thought they knew everything growing up, hell they started their own church so like??? Like all the other stuff made me feel worse, being bullied and the girl and my ex friend.

But I think I do like girls? I mean, I've never been with one but im pretty sure straight girls don't think about kissing other girls? And like the thing is I also think about men? I guess I'm bisexual? Like I've only kissed a man and I enjoyed myself. To be quite honest I've thought about all genders and lack there of. I dont have any issue in my alone time finding a thought if you know what i mean. And you're probably like why are you telling me this but...idk seeing your posts and seeing you interact and be YOU. It had an impact on this realization. Like...its okay to be gay (which is so weird like I never thought it was wrong for other people like I went to pride parades with my trans friends and my other friends who were out, like it was great for them and I supported them, and my parents loved them so I doubt I would have any issue with my parents, but like when it came to ME it suddenly wasn't ok? Which is bullshit?)

Anyways...thanks for being you. You've helped me more then you can realize.

I am so happy that you are finding who you are sweetheart and reading this and seeing the outcome that you are finding yourself warms my heart! And I am so happy that I had a good impact on you being yourself! That is so sweet and means so so much to me honey! 🥹❤️

#coven’s asks ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ #anon asks

[burnedbyshoto]

peeping tom(mina)

— Mina finds a peephole in her room that looks directly into your room and discovers a sight that slightly rocks her entire life.

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pairing: ashido mina x fem!reader

warning: 18+, smut, voyeur!mina, mutual masturbation, vibrator, dildos, finger fucking, cursing, peephole, lesbianism

word count: 2,815

a/n: sorry its a day late!!!! have some pervy roommate mina rn and some abo shiggy in about a few hours!!!!

kinktober day 11 main kink: voyeurism | kinktober masterlist

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Mina has a dirty secret.

And just thinking about it makes her shy, and she has never been a shy girl.

Since she could fully understand what sex was, she had always been someone who was incredibly sex-positive. Mina was also a full-body worshiper, someone who found everyone’s bodies hot and attractive. It never really surprised anyone when they found this out. She was always the type to point out how that person’s ass looked hot in jeans, or how that shirt made that person’s boobs look full, soft, and luscious. She held back at absolutely nothing, making sure to let everyone know her opinion on how and why she currently found them attractive. 

So the ones she would eventually bring to bed were also unsurprised by the enthusiasm she held when she kissed down their bodies, fingers massaging every piece of skin and muscle as she moaned praises. To Mina, bodies were a temple, and when she was visiting, she was going to make sure you knew how fascinating she thought it to be.

Even now, at twenty-two, she never hated pointing out what she thought to be positive about people’s bodies. It was almost second nature.

“Can you please tell me why your legs look hot as fuck in those sweats?!” Mina practically screamed, dramatically fanning herself when you walked into the kitchen.

It was Saturday night, and Mina found herself in her apartment, blinds are drawn open, blankets were strewn around the living room, and hot homemade food sizzling on the stove. You were her roommate, and you’ve been her roommate for about seven months now. Both of you had met in a college class, being paired up multiple times for a few projects in the year had created an unlikely friendship that resulted in a roommate contract because you were moving to Tokyo after graduation, and hey! So was Mina!

You snorted by the stove, flipping the sweet crepes you had been making for the both of you in the pan. Turning your head to look at Mina, you playfully winked at her, posing your body in faux-seductive ways while you dipped your head back. 

“What can I say, the sweats of a heartbroken ex always look hotter on a champions fat ass.”

Mina laughed loudly, her hands bringing her sweet rosé to her lips, taking a long, deep drink of the alcoholic beverage. “I can’t believe you keep your exes clothes! I burn all of mine,” Mina states as if the two of you hadn’t already had this conversation a thousand times. 

“I don’t think you can talk!” you scoff, spatula in hand, flipping the light sweet into a roll. “You’re the one who goes and buys actual metals for every successive man you fuck! And you have sooo many metals!”

Also, something that had been repeated a million times, and yet never failed to get either one of you two in some laughing flush. 

“I do have so many metals,” Mina sighs, the grin on her face bright and proud while you walk over, crepes in hand. Thanking you for the food, Mina waited for you to settle down next to her before resuming the movie the two of you had decided to watch. “I promise, y/n, if you just look a guy in the eye and tell him you like his shoulders and his thighs, you’ll get him in bed in a blink of an eye.”

You hum, taking a chug of the rosé straight from the bottle, releasing it with a small pop that made Mina’s eyes rest on your swollen, wet lips. 

“Yeah, no. You see, I’m not really interested in that sort of stuff,” you admit, taking a bite from the crepe as the movie slowly becomes background noise.

“You haven’t dated anyone since high school,” Mina more than points out, tugging at the indeed high school logoed sweatpants. “That was like, four years ago, and you don’t sleep around?! What is it? You waiting for the Prince of some unknown country to come and wed you without you realizing he’s a prince? I mean, you can totally do that, especially with that hot bod of yours, but I know all the princes our age, none of them are even remotely hot!”

Mina watched as your eyes dropped to your food, the smile on your face small, maybe a bit... sad?

“It’s not that,” you shrugged, your eyes moving to lock on Mina. “Mina, I’m gay.”

What?

Processing Data…

Processing Data…

Processing Data…

Data Processed. Please Continue.

“WHAT?!”

A shit-eating grin spread on your face, and you nodded, taking another gulp of the rosé and shoving more crepe in your mouth. 

“YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU ALLOWED ME TO HAVE HETEROSEXUAL SEX WITH YOU IN THE APARTMENT AND DIDN’T TELL ME?!” Mina shrieked, suddenly mortified with her actions as her fingers clenched her curly pink hair. “WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE MEN I TRIED HOOKING YOU UP WITH?! I mean, I know you didn’t fuck any of them, which ended up all fine because I would have cried if Kiri, Denki, or Sero stopped showing up.”

“Mina!” you laughed.

“I can’t believe you allowed me to force men on you; I’m so sorry, sweetie!”

Mina froze when your warm fingers suddenly grabbed onto hers, pulling her cold palms near your chest as your slightly glazed with alcohol eyes took her in.

“Listen, Mina, I’ll say this once, and I’ll repeat this. I didn’t tell you because I don’t care to share my sexuality. Not only that but all those men you introduced me to almost made me wish I was straight! Almost, but they’re a bit too…” Mina watched you trail off, your hammering heart a gentle smooth on her fingers.

“Stupid?” Mina tried, and you laughed as you nodded.

“Yeah, stupid.”

Mina gulped, her head nodding while you finally let go of her hands and sighed.

“Don’t be weird about it, Pinky,” you muse, shoving your shoulder against her. “I won’t hit on ya.”

Mina scoffed, clearly offended, “I think you should, though, my body is hot, and my kisses are just as good.”

It was said in jest, and Mina’s heart fluttered at the way you laughed with her in good spirits. That was normal, right?

Eventually, the contents of the rosé disappeared between the two of you, the movie long done, and the crepes sitting warm and sweet in your stomachs. Mina smiled brightly as she waved at you a simple goodnight as she needed to reorganize her snacks cabinet. Hearing the small click of your room door, Mina slumped against the counter, a weird feeling in her brain at the sudden revelation from you.

It didn’t make you any different in her eyes, she wasn’t a bigot, but there was something different.

Something new.

The cabinet wasn’t fixed up at all, Mina’s attention span forbidding her from reorganizing the cabinet until she turned off the lights and dragged her feet back into her room, conveniently located directly next to yours.

The apartment layout was weird.

Instead of a typical hallway separating the two rooms, it was a single, thin wall.

Now, Mina would categorize herself as many things, but dramatic was never one of them. But the way she had slammed her door in an attempt to clear the muggy storm of her thoughts might have been dramatic of her. Maybe a bit too dramatic. 

A loud tear came from the right side of her room, and Mina gasped loudly as the shelf showcasing her plethora of medals for all her sexual conquests tore the wall as it fell off. Stupid heavy bitch! Racing over to the wall, Mina frantically grabbed at the tearing cheap wallpaper, her eyes wide with worry as she tried to fix the shelf to no avail.

“M-Mina, are you okay?” a gasped breath came from the direct another side of the wall. 

“It’s all good!” Mina laughed loudly, her heart pounding because she was going to confess what was going on the second you asked again, as you usually do. But the only thing that followed was the roaring of her blood and heart as she stared at the wall.

Weird.

Mina didn’t dwell on it for too long, her hands throwing the medals off the shelf and onto the bed as she picked at the wall. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

She grazed the center of the wall and watched in horror as the wall crumbled at the touch, and she bit her tongue to keep from hysterically sobbing as a hole opened up from your room to hers. All things considered, it wasn’t a big hole, no bigger than the diameter of her pinky, but it was still a hole in the wall.

Despite the crack in the wall, Mina swore or prayed that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Pressing to the hole, she peered in and froze immediately. 

There weren’t many things in the world that made Mina freeze, but this was one of them. Her eye pressed to the wall saw that you were on the bed. Your sweats dropped around your ankles, shirt bunched above your breasts so that your fingers twisted and pulled at your nipples. The other hand held a vibrator to your clit.

Your face was scrunched up, the low hum of the vibrator suddenly piercing through the small crack in the wall, alerting Mina of a straight fire that erupted between her thighs as she watched you fuck yourself. The arch of your back when you come off the mattress makes her thighs rub together, and how your lips part in what she knows to be the most delicious moan, she’s ever managed to hear.

Mina isn’t sure when you stop masturbating that night, or even more importantly: when her panties became as fucking wet as they are.

She manages to put the shelf back onto the wall, her face absolutely red as she turns off the lights, ashamed to even go to the bathroom despite the discomfort of the slick between her folds. She dreams of having your mouth between her legs that night.

It doesn’t stop there, Mina’s ashamed to admit. 

As a matter of fact, she’s probably obsessed. 

She definitely didn’t keep her ear to the wall, desperately waiting to hear the low hum of the vibrator through the wall. She definitely didn’t pull the still broken shelf from the wall to peer through that crack to watch as you fucked yourself. She definitely does not, and she means, does not rub her fingers against her clit as she watches you.

But what was she currently doing when she heard the all too familiar consistent humming of one of your plenty of vibrators? She was stumbling off her bed, throwing the shelf off the wall, and using the crack in the wall to stare into your room. Except as she now unashamedly moved her fingers into her swats, fingertips grazing her already humming clit, she froze at the new sight she saw.

Typically, when you masturbated, you would lay along your bed. Your body laid out flat from the side for Mina to see. She never actually saw the slick of your cunt, or the way your pretty cunt would look like as you fucked yourself against a dildo. But today? Oh god, today was different.

You were propped up against the wall, your legs pressed open for Mina to see in all your glory. Your slicked, pretty pussy revealed for her eyes, and your head leaning against the wall as she watched. 

Mina moaned as her fingers began to rub her clit, the already fluttering, simmering sensation radiating from her bundle of nerves too tight, too demanding to ignore. She circled her clit as your fingers dipped into your core, and she bit her lower lip at the refined look of elation that wiped over your face. 

Your fingers moved in and out of your cunt, and Mina was hooked on the very exact angle your fingers were going in. Her mind wandering as she imagined that it was her in there with you. That it was her holding her fingers to your cunt, and not just fantasizes that drove her insane. Mina gasped as suddenly the dormant warmth in her legs sparked into a growing fire that made her legs shake and had her resting her forehead upon the wall.

Her eyes struggled to open when your feet kicked up off the mattress, toes curled to the balls of your feet as you keened loudly. A whimper left her lips at the way you moaned, the soft, beautiful sounds making Mina sink an impatient hand in her core.

She fucked herself, her eyes fluttering, lips gasping for air as she pressing her warm fingers against her even warmer walls. Mina gasped your name, her eyes trying to focus on that wall, and was absolutely frozen at the sight she saw next. 

You were holding a double ended dildo to your cunt, fucking your sopping wet cunt that Mina swore she could hear from her room. The vibrator was still on your clit, and Mina snapped her hips further, stronger into her scissoring fingers. It felt like you were teasing her with the toy as if you knew she was watching in and were teasing and testing her limits. Mina could feel herself shoving that dildo as far up her cunt as she could get it, her hands holding on to your beautiful thighs and bringing you in so that your slick cunts could grind against each other, fuck each other properly. If her brain wasn’t so muddled, she wouldn’t be thinking you were looking at her right now through the peephole, and she wouldn’t be thinking about the million different ways she’d fuck you given the opportunity. She wondered if you had a strap. Would you wear it if her fantasies were to ever come true? Would she? 

Mina couldn’t dwell on the secrets she wished to know because suddenly, you let out one of the loudest, most lewd moans Mina had ever heard emitted from your swollen lips. The slick of her heat and the wet of her essence easily letting her fingers glide about her clenching walls with practiced, well-known ease. You gasped, your eyes fluttering to the back of your head as your hand holding the dildo became more frantic, sloppier, before stopping altogether, and although you had reached an orgasm — Mina swore she saw god. 

Your orgasmic euphoric face was unlike anything Mina had ever seen.

The flustered, quiet pleasure reeking from every small line in your face, the way your mouth dropped just enough so that your pink tongue was on full display, the way you fought between biting down on your lip or letting yourself moan in your high. But it was the way your eyes crossed that sent Mina’s forehead slamming against her fist on the wall, muting the way Mina felt her walls clench wildly and tightly around her curled, lithe fingers.

She breathed in her descent, her cheeks burning with the same and bliss she always felt after orgasming. It wasn’t fair she came so soon watching you fuck yourself, especially as she knew she typically took so long in bed with men to make cum.

“Do you want to try it out?” your voice slipped into the room, and Mina froze, her blood suddenly turning ice cold. Her eyes snapped back to the dirty peephole to see that you were, in fact, staring into the hole, hand sliding the dildo into your cunt still, still willing and ready to go more round. “It gets a little lonely putting on a show for you night after night, Mina, and for you to never come and collect your prize.”

Mina swallowed, her eyes blinking owlishly at the way you shifted forward, turning so that your ass was in the air, knees, and chest on the mattress.

You knew.

“Come and collect your prize, please.”

“Y-Yes!”

Mina learned two things that night.

One: she especially and equally enjoyed having listless amounts of body worship mantra on her skin. The feeling of wet lips and hot breathes with things she was so used to giving made her cum around your pretty little fingers much more than she’d ever thought possible.

Two: you had known after the first night that she had caught you masturbating. Apparently, Mina was much louder than she thought herself to be, and when whining your name — she doesn’t remember even speaking — you had known and did all you could to finally getting your impulsive roommate to fuck you.

Oh, and I guess there is one more thing too!

Three: Mina had the absolute hots for you and was going to take you out for a proper date, tomorrow.

#mina x reader #mina smut #bnha #bnha x reader #mha #bbs kinktober 2020

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Travis has had both boyfriends and girlfriends since high school. But when his coworkers discovered his dating history at a board game night, they told him he couldn’t be bisexual. “Bi men don’t exist,” they said. “You’re just a confused gay guy.” Travis, 34, had brought his girlfriend with him that night, but they started calling her his “roommate” after they found out he was bi.

Santiago got an even harsher reaction when he came out to his family. “‘Bisexual’ is just code for insincere gay man” is how he said one of his relatives reacted. “He didn’t use the term ‘gay man,’” 24-year-old Santiago told me, “but I won’t repeat slurs.”

In the past couple of months, I’ve heard dozens of stories like these from bisexual men who have had their sexual orientations invalidated by family members, friends, partners, and even strangers. Thomas was called a “fence-sitter” by a group of gay men at a bar. Shirodj was told that he was “just gay but not ready to come out of the closet.” Alexis had his bisexuality questioned by a lesbian teacher who he thought would be an ally. Many of these same men have been told that women are “all a little bi” or “secretly bi” but that men can only be gay or straight, nothing else.

In other words, bisexual men are like climate change: real but constantly denied.

A full 2% of men identified themselves as bisexual on a 2016 survey from the Centers for Disease Control, which means that there are at least three million bi guys in the United States alone—a number roughly equivalent to the population of Iowa. (On the same survey, 5.5% of women self-identified as bisexual, which comes out to roughly the same number of people as live in New Jersey.) The probability that an entire state’s worth of people would lie about being attracted to more than one gender is about as close to zero as you can get.

But the idea that only women can be bisexual is a persistent myth, one that has been decades in the making. And prejudice with such deep historical roots won’t disappear overnight.

👬👫👬👫

To understand why bisexual men are still being told that their sexual orientation doesn’t exist, we have to go back to the gay liberation movement of the late 1960s. That’s when Dr. H. Sharif “Herukhuti” Williams, a cultural studies scholar and co-editor of the anthology Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men, told me that male sexual fluidity got thrown under the bus in the name of gay rights—specifically white, upper-class gay rights.

“One of the byproducts of the gay liberation movement is this…solidifying of the [sexual] binary,” Herukhuti told me, citing the Harlem Renaissance of the 1920s as a pre-Stonewall period of relatively unstigmatized sexual fluidity.

Four decades later, the gay liberation movement created a new type of man—the “modern gay man,” Herukhuti calls him—who was both “different from and similar to” the straight man. As Jillian Weiss, now the executive director of the Transgender Legal Defense Fund, wrote in a 2003 review of this same history, “gays and lesbians campaigned for acceptance by suggesting that they were ‘just like you,’ but with the single (but extremely significant exception) of [having] partners of the same sex.” Under this framework, attraction to a single gender was the unifying glue between gay men, lesbians, and straight people—bisexual people were just “confused.”

Bisexual people realized that they would have to form groups and coalitions of their own if they wanted cultural acceptance. But just as bisexual activism was gaining a foothold in the 1980s, the AIDS crisis hit, and everything changed—especially for bisexual men.

“AIDS forced certain bisexual men out [of the closet], it forced a lot of bisexual men back in, and then it killed off a number of them,” longtime bisexual activist and author Ron Suresha told me.Those deaths hindered the development of male bisexual activism at a particularly critical moment. “A number of men who would have been involved and were involved in the early years of the bi movement died—and they died early and they died quickly,” bisexual writer Mike Syzmanski recalled.

The AIDS crisis also gave rise to one of the most pernicious and persistent stereotypes about bisexual men, namely that they are the “bridge” for HIV transmission between gay men and heterosexual women. As Brian Dodge, a public health researcher at Indiana University, told me, this is a “warped notion” that has “never been substantiated by any real data.” The CDC, too, has debunked the same myth in the specific context of U.S. black communities: No, black men on the “down low” are not primarily responsible for high rates of HIV among black women.

For decades, bisexual men have been portrayed—even within the LGBT community—as secretly gay, sexually confused vectors of disease.

In 2016, bisexual men are still feeling the effects of the virus and the misperceptions around it.

“We’re still underrepresented on the boards of almost all of the national bisexual organizations,” Suresha told me, referring to the fact that women occupy most of the key leadership positions in bisexual activism. And in a new, nationally representative study of attitudes toward bisexual people, Dodge and his research team found that 43% of respondents agreed —at least somewhat—with the statement: “People should be afraid to have sex with bisexual men because of HIV/STD risks.”

For decades, bisexual men have been portrayed—even within the LGBT community—as secretly gay, sexually confused vectors of disease. Is it any wonder that they are still fighting to shed that false image today? It’s hard to convince people that you exist when they barely see you as human.

👬👫👬👫

It’s not that bisexual women have it easy. Both bisexual men and women are much less likely than gay men and lesbians to be out of the closet, with only 28% telling Pew that most of the important people in their life know about their orientation. Collectively, bisexual people also have some of the worst mental health outcomes in the LGBT community and their risk of intimate partner violence is disturbingly high. Bisexual people also face discrimination within the LGBT community while fending off accusations that their orientation excludes non-binary genders. (In response, bisexual educator Robyn Ochs defines “bisexuality” as attraction to “people of more than one sex and/or gender” rather than just to “men and women.”)

And on top of these general problems, bisexual women are routinely hypersexualized, stereotyped as “sluts,” dismissed as “experimenting,” and harassed on dating apps. Their bisexuality is reduced to a spectacle or waved away as a “phase.”

But it is still bisexual men who seem to have their very existence questioned more often.

Suresha pointed me to a 2005 New York Times article with the headline “Straight, Gay, Or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited,” the fallout of which he saw as “a disaster for bi people.” The article reported on a new study “cast[ing] doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men.” The study in question measured the genital arousal of a small sample of men and found, as the Times summarized, that “three-quarters of the [bisexual male] group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men; the rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals.”

“It got repeated and repeated in all sorts of media,” Suresha recalled. “People reported it in news briefs on the radio, in print, in magazines, all over the place.”

As the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force noted in its response to the article, the original study had some clear methodological limitations—only 33 self-identified bisexual men were included and participants were recruited through “gay-oriented magazines”—but the Times went ahead and reported that the research “lends support to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and stable sexual orientation.”

“Show me the quest for scientific proof that heterosexuality exists. It begins and ends with even just one person saying, ‘I’m straight.’” — Amy Andre, Huffington Post

The article fueled the devious narrative that male bisexuality was just homosexuality in disguise. The lived experiences of bisexual men don’t support that narrative—and neither does science—but its power comes from prejudice, not from solid evidence.

And unsurprisingly, the 2005 study’s conclusions did not survive the test of time. In fact, one of the co-authors of that study went on to co-author a 2011 study which found that “bisexual patterns of both subjective and genital arousal” did indeed occur among men. The New York Times Magazine later devoted a feature to the push for the 2011 study, briefly acknowledging the paper’s previous poor coverage. But many in the bisexual community were unimpressed that the scientific community was still being positioned as the authority on the existence of bisexual men.

“Show me the quest for scientific proof that heterosexuality exists,” Amy Andre wrote on the Huffington Post in response to the feature. “It begins and ends with even just one person saying, ‘I’m straight.’”

👬👫👬👫

One of the most tragic things about society’s refusal to accept bisexual men is that we don’t even know why it is still so vehement. Dodge believes that his new study offers some hints—the persistent and widespread endorsement of the HIV “bridge” myth is alarming—but he told me that he would need “more qualitative and more focused research” before he could definitively state that HIV stigma is the primary factor driving negative attitudes toward bisexual men. (Research in this area is indeed sorely lacking. The last major study on the subject prior to the survey Dodge’s team conducted was published in 2002.)

In the meantime, bisexual advocates have developed plenty of compelling theories, many of them focused on the dominance of traditional masculinity. For example, Herukhuti explained that “we live in a society in which boundaries between men are policed because of patriarchy and sexism.” Men are expected to be “kings of their kingdom”—not to share their domain.

“For men to bridge those boundaries with each other—the only way that we can conceive of that is in the sense that these are ‘non-men,’” Herukhuti told me, adding that, in a patriarchal society, gay men are indeed seen as “non-men.” The refusal to accept that men can be bisexual, then, is partly a refusal to accept that someone who is bisexual can even be a man.

Many of the bisexual men I interviewed endorsed this same hypothesis. Kevin, 25, told me that “it’s seen as really unmanly to be attracted to men.” Another Kevin, 26, added that “the core concept of masculinity doesn’t leave room for anything besides extremes.” Justin, in his mid 20s, said that “men are one way and gay men are another way [but] bisexual men are this weird middle ground.”

Our society doesn’t seem to do well with more than two—especially when so many still believe that there’s only one right way to be a man.

And Michael, 28, added that bisexual men are “symbolically dangerous”—a “big interior threat to hetero masculinity” because of a shared attraction to women. It’s easy for a straight guy to differentiate himself from the modern gay man, but how can he reassure himself that he is nothing like his bisexual counterpart?

The answer is obvious: He can equate male bisexuality with homosexuality.

The logic needed to balance that equation, Herukhuti explained to me, is disturbingly close to the racist, Jim Crow-era “one-drop rule,” which designated anyone with the slightest bit of African ancestry as black for legal purposes.

“For a male to have had any kind of same-sex sexual experience, they are automatically designated as gay, based on that one-drop rule,” Herukhuti said. “And that taints them.”

To see that logic at work, look no further than the state of HIV research, much of which still groups gay and bisexual men together as MSM, or men who have sex with men. Dodge, who specializes in the area of HIV/AIDS, explained that “when a man reports sexual activity with another man, that becomes the recorded mode of transmission and there’s no data reporting about female or other partners.” Bisexual men have their identities erased—literally—from the resulting data.

“A really easy way to fix this,” Dodge added, “would be to just create a separate surveillance category.”

But when it comes to categories, our society doesn’t seem to do well with more than two—especially when so many still believe that there’s only one right way to be a man.

👬👫👬👫

The situation of bisexual men is not hopeless. Slowly but surely, they are expanding the horizons of masculinity. The silver lining in Dodge’s study, for example, is that there has been a decided “‘shift’ in attitudes toward bisexual men and women from negative to more neutral in the general population” over the last decade or so, although negative attitudes toward bisexual men were still “significantly greater” than the negativity directed at their female peers.

“Put the champagne on the ice,” Dodge joked. “We’re no longer at the very bottom of the barrel but we’ve still got a ways to go.”

That distance will likely be shortened by a rising generation that is far more tolerant of sexual fluidity than their predecessors. Respondents to Dodge’s survey who were under age 25 had more positive attitudes toward bisexuality, perhaps because so many of them openly identify as LGBTQ themselves—some as bisexual, some as pansexual, and some refusing labels altogether.

That growing acceptance is starting to be reflected in movies and on television, once forms of media that were, and still often are, notoriously hostile to bisexual men. A character named Darryl came out as bisexual with a myth-busting song on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and, as GLAAD recently noted, other shows like Shadowhunters and Black Sails are starting to do bi male representation right. The HBO comedy Insecure even made biphobia into a powerful storyline when one straight female character, Molly, shunned her love interest when he told her that he once had oral sex with a guy in a college. But other shows, like House of Cards, are still using a male character’s bisexuality as a way to accentuate his villainy.

Ultimately, bisexual men themselves will continue to be the most powerful force for changing hearts and minds. I asked each bisexual man I interviewed what he would want the world to know about his sexual orientation. Some wanted to clear up specific misconceptions but so many of them simply wanted people to acknowledge that male bisexuality is not fake.

“It’s important that bisexuality be acknowledged as real,” said Martyn, 30, adding that “there’s only so long someone can hold on to a part of themselves that seems invisible before it starts to make them doubt their own sense of self.”

“I am happy being bisexual and I’m not looking for an answer,” said Dan, 19. “I’m not trying things out, I’m not using this as a placeholder to discover my identity. This is who I am. And I love it.”

Samantha Allen is a reporter for Fusion’s Sex+Life vertical. She has a PhD in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies from Emory University and was the 2013 John Money Fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Before joining Fusion, she was a tech and health reporter for The Daily Beast.

#bisexuality #bi #bi tumblr #support bisexuality #bisexuality is valid #bi pride #lgbtq community #lgbtq #lgbtq pride #pride #bisexual #bisexual community #bisexual men are valid #respect bisexual men #bisexual men #bisexual nation #bisexual education #support bisexual men #bisexual men exist #biphobic gay people #end biphobia #biphopia #biphobic #bisexual pride #bisexual erasure #bisexual men allies

[softtrobed]

hm would you write a fic about annie coming out to jeff? i love their friendship and brother/sister relationship :)

thank you so much for this request! i honestly got a bit emotional writing this. annie coming out to jeff is something that can honestly be so personal...

there's some focus on annie coming out to other members of the study group, but it does mainly focus on her and jeff. i hope that's okay :)

Annie had decided to come out to her friends in the same way she tended to do most things: efficiently and beginning by making a list.

Well, she supposed the most efficient way would be to come out to all of them at the same time, but this way would be more effective in the long run. She knew they’d all have very different reactions, different questions to ask, different levels of surprise, so if they all found out at once, most likely no one’s questions would get answered (not just the ones she would politely ignore), the group would start talking over each other, someone would yell at Pierce and it would almost be forgotten what the point of the conversation even was. This way, although it would take longer, everyone would hopefully be satisfied.

She told Troy and Abed first. That was the easiest, as because the two were a couple, she had no doubt they’d be accepting. Additionally, in the time they’d lived together, she had a feeling they’d already picked up on some of her not-so-straight behaviours: the girl-crushes she formed on the pretty women in the movies they watched together and her disinterest or non-romantic affection towards the men she knew she was ‘supposed’ to swoon over; the way she giggled and twirled her hair while on the phone with a certain girl from Greendale she’d recently reconnected with; the one time she didn’t delete her search history from the apartment computer and Abed may or may not have seen her recent searches, which included among others, ‘am I gay test,’ ‘comphet meaning’ and ‘can you be straight but think girls are really pretty and rarely have long lasting feelings for men?’

She’d come out to them over breakfast one day, and they basically had the best response she could have wished for. They were totally cool with it, but didn’t make it a big deal. They joked about how she was no longer the token straight roommate, she hugged both of them, and the day went on as normal.

Annie had crossed their names off her list with a big smile on her face.

Next had been Britta. Annie had also guessed that she’d be accepting, as what had happened with Paige last year had been a bit misguided but well-intentioned. At least Annie didn’t have to worry about Britta only wanting to be her friend because she was a lesbian, because they were already friends, and Annie suspected Britta had learned her lesson.

As expected, Britta reacted well. Perhaps too well, loudly proclaiming her supporting for the LGBTQ community before asking a string of questions about what it was like dating girls and if kissing them was different if you were sobre and/or not doing it to prove you weren’t homophobic. Annie explained she didn’t know - she actually hadn’t kissed a girl yet - but did wonder if Britta’s questions weren’t just due to her being an ally. She could be wrong, but she had read something about queer people having a way of spotting each other. Still, it wasn’t her place to assume anything, and she put the thought out of her mind as she crossed off Britta’s name.

Next was Jeff. This was a bit trickier. Once again, she didn’t think Jeff would be at all homophobic (unless he turned out to be one of those men who only viewed relationships between women as hot, but she’d cross that bridge if she came to it), but coming out to him made her nervous for another reason. Ever since they’d kissed at the Transfer Dance, his feelings for her had seemed unclear. At first, he’d seemed determined to forget it ever happened - which she’d found unfair at the time, but now appreciated - but lately, it was possible he had actually become interested in her. It felt… really weird, when she thought about it for too long. Not only was she definitely not interested in him, but, partially due to their age gap, their relationship felt too close to a father-daughter or older brother-younger sister relationship to be romantic. Sometimes she wondered why she’d ever liked him like that at all.

Although, since she’d extensively researched what comphet was and realised that was undoubtedly what she’d been experiencing, she could understand a bit better she’d never really liked him to begin with, she’d just latched onto a seemingly unattainable man to convince herself she could be attracted to guys, yet again.

As everyone packed up their stuff to leave the study room, Annie remained seated. “Um, Jeff,” she said. “We’ve both got a free period now, right?”

“Right,” Jeff replied, not looking up from his phone.

“Would you mind if I talked to you about something?”

He looked at her curiously. “Yeah, sure.”

Troy, Abed and Britta had clearly all realised what was going on. Abed gave her a small, supportive smile, Troy gave a quick thumbs up, and Britta winked in a way Annie guessed was meant to be subtle, but no doubt everyone in the room saw.

“Come on, guys,” she said, ushering the others out of the room. “This sounds important, and private, and we’ve all got classes to get to.”

Shirley stopped, muttering that she’d forgotten a textbook, but Britta practically pushed her out of the door as Abed said in a deep voice, seeming to have taken the opportunity to act like a security guard, “Keep it moving.”

Annie smiled as she watched them leave, her friends dramatics a pleasant distraction from what she was about to do. She turned back to Jeff to see he’d put his phone down. Clearly, he knew this was serious. “So,” he said. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Annie opened her mouth, let out a squeak, then closed it. This was going to be difficult. Maybe she should have just come out to everyone at the same time, the consequences be damned. That way, she would have got it all over with at once.

“Annie, is everything okay?” Jeff sounded so genuine in his concern, a relatively rare sight. “You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you?”

“No, everything’s fine,” she assured him, finding her voice, but he didn’t look convinced. She took a deep breath. “I was thinking recently about that time we kissed.” He looked confused for a second. Didn’t he remember that night? Not that she cared, of course. “You know? During the dance at the end of our first year? I had just decided not to move to Delaware with Vaughn-”

“Right, right,” he cut her off. “I remember. Sorry, go ahead.”

“Thank you,” she said curtly. “So, I’ve been thinking about our kiss, and-”

Once more, he interrupted her. This was just getting annoying. “Annie, look, I know I’ve been giving… pretty mixed signals about my feelings for you, or if I even have any, but lately I’ve taken a good look at myself, and realised that it would never really feel right to be with you. For many reasons, none of which are your fault. It’s just that you’re much younger than me, and you often feel like a little sister to me - as well as a friend, of course - so I’m sorry, but-”

“Jeff.” Her firm tone silenced him.

There, she thought. How does it feel to be interrupted?

“I don’t want to be with you either!”

“Really?” he checked. “Because it wouldn’t be your fault if you did, I’m the one who needs to keep whatever feelings I have for you in check. Plus, I mean, I wouldn’t blame you…”

She rolled her eyes, but a smile began creeping onto her face. “I swear. I was going to say that I’ve been thinking about that kiss because of how, back then, I thought I really liked you. In a romantic way, I mean. But recently, I’ve realised that I just made myself think I liked you, even loved you. I wanted to convince myself I could be attracted to men, so just like with Troy in high school, I picked an unattainable - or so I thought - man. In his case: someone cool and popular who I thought would never notice ‘little Annie Aderal.’ With you, a cool, older guy who just saw me as a child.”

“Annie.” Jeff’s tone was serious but not annoyed. “Are you saying what I think you are?”

She nodded, her lips a thin line. “I’m a lesbian, Jeff. I really hope this doesn’t change things between us, although, honestly, knowing you don’t want to be with me is a big relief, because I was worried I’d break your heart or make things weird, but…” She paused. She was getting ahead of herself. “Well, have I made things weird?”

“Of course you haven’t! Thank you for telling me, that was really brave, especially if you thought I was still interested in you.”

“Thanks,” she said. She quickly added, “It’s not that I thought you’d react really badly. I don’t see you as someone who thinks he’s somehow entitled to any women he has feelings for, but still… I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He stood up, walking around to her side of the table, presumably to remove the physical and metaphorical distance between them, and gesturing for her to stand up as well, which she did. “You haven’t hurt me at all, Annie, I promise. I care about you, so much, even - no, especially - as a friend, and I just want you to be happy. Even if I was madly in love with you - which, thankfully, I’m not - I could never be upset at you, or anyone, for this.”

Annie could feel tears forming in her eyes. “Aww, Jeff!” She practically threw herself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug which he happily returned, laughing.

“Okay, we don’t have to make this all dramatic,” he said, but Annie was sure he sounded a bit choked up.

They came apart, smiling at each other for a few seconds before Jeff hesitantly reached out and gave her a pat on the head. “For old time’s sake,” he explained.

Annie had never felt happier while being given a head pat, which didn’t say much, she knew, but it was accurate, as she’d probably felt happier in general at some point in her life. Still, this was definitely in her top ten.

That night, she crossed off Jeff’s name, remembering the days she would doodle hearts as she wrote down his name, or paired her first and his last. This time, she instead drew a little smiley face. That was far more accurate, she thought. The thought of Jeff no longer made her heart flutter in her chest, but he made her smile, and she was more than happy with that.

#community #nbc community #annie edison #jeff winger #troy barnes #abed nadir #britta perry #shirley bennett #pierce hawthorne #lesbiannie #trobed #community fanfic #my writing #ask #lesbiannie-rights

[demi-queen]

So I realized I was demisexual/romantic in high school- or at least, something similar. I did my research, asked my friends, did some introspection- you know, all the things, and realized that I had never once in the entirety of my human existence ever felt any kind of sexual attraction. The closest I’ve ever felt is curiosity about why other people found that sort of stuff pleasurable and trying to fit in by proclaiming that I had a crush, when really I just picked the first guy that I figured I probably wouldn’t hate being in a relationship with. It’s been a few years and neither of those things have changed. I had my therapist ask me why I thought I was demisexual and not just asexual and the truth is that I don’t actually know. I think that I could probably get to a point where I might feel some sort of sexual attraction but I haven’t even got to the point where I’ve ever really felt any kind of attraction to someone beyond anything platonic or familial. My parents know about it and the most they’ve said is to not be caught up in labels, which I already knew (sexuality is fluid, don’t feel like you have to stick with something just because you came out as something years before. You could come out as gay and then realize later that you’re bi with more same-gender leanings or smth like that). So anywho, I decided what fit best was demi. It was a little while later, when scrolling through my character-inspiration Pinterest board to try and make some decisions about a character I was making when I noticed the numbers of how many posts belonged to each category of pictures. Now, idk about you, but when I’m making characters, characters that I like, I tend to give them more aesthetically pleasing characteristics- usually subconsciously. Now I’m not someone who has ever looked at anyone and thought man, they’re hot even in passing without any true attraction attached. I just don’t ever really register someone’s physical appearance at first. A sketch artist would probably hate me because all I would have, even if the person was my best friend and I’d known them for years, was a vague idea of what they looked like. Sure, I’d be able to pick them out of a crowd easily and I could give descriptions like “taller than me, brown hair, freckles, people often mistake us for sisters” but the minute you ask how much taller or what shade of brown I’m completely lost. I couldn’t even tell you if it was lighter or darker than mine. If someone has strawberry-blonde hair my first reaction would be to call them a red-head, even though their hair doesn’t actually look red at all.

So anywho, the point of all that was that I don’t notice physical features all that well so when putting pictures on my character-inspiration Pinterest board, I don’t even realize that I’m picking them because I think they’re objectively attractive until I go back and really think about it.

Now as someone who use the believe I was a hetero-demi, this doesn’t make much sense, does it?

679 pictures versus the 82 I have of guys? Clearly, I’m not as hetero as I thought I was. I mean, I know I have a type. Anyone who knows how to tell which character is going to be my favorite in any given show or movie would be able to tell you what my type is, but I never realized how non gender-specific it was until I noticed those numbers. And thought back to all my favorite characters (there is a great many more male characters who fit my type than females, but I think that’s more to do with gender stereotypes in media more than anything).

And this is the story of how I realized I was probably a bi-demi on top of everything else going on in my life

#asexuality #demisexual #bisexual #demisexuality #bisexuality #asexual #aromantic #demiromantic #biromantic #sexuality is fluid #all the pretty people #identity #self discovery #lgbtq #lgbtq community #seriously though why are people attracted to breasts #they’re just milk sacks #attached to someone’s beautiful brain #don’t even get me started on the whole attracted to peoples genitalia thing #like #gross #why #i don’t understand #you people are weird #I know that for evolutionary reasons I don’t make sense #but I stand by what I said #why have sex when you could have cuddles and be nerds together #clearly the superior option #even kissing is weird #like I don’t understand why people enjoy it so much

[bowie-boy]

Favorite LGBT+ headcanons for X-Files characters? Mine is that pretty much every main F.B.I. agent(including Krycek) is either bisexual or asexual(or both)! :)

This has been in my inbox for months and I keep forgetting about it I’m so sorry but TODAY IS THE DAY!!!! Happy TDOV Fox and @himbo-mulder (this is my response to your ask too)

LGBTQ X-Files Headcanons Because Someone Asked

Fox Mulder:

Bi and trans icon

The first person he told was Samantha

She accepted him immediately as her big brother and told him he should name himself Fox (it was her favorite animal at the time)

He was going to make his name William Mulder Jr. up until she disappeared, in which he actually decided to make his first name Fox (he misses her 🥺)

Came out to his parents sometime in high school, both took it badly

Bill was hella transphobic—he was already pretty shitty to Mulder but this added a whole new layer to it

Teena was more passive aggressive about it but still made withering comments about how she “lost two daughters now”

Some high school friends (*chants* PHOEBE AND GIMBLE PHOEBE AND GIMBLE) helped Mulder start T and change his legal name on government documents before he left for Oxford

Mulder wanted to go stealth while he was there but came out to Phoebe

When they broke up, she outed him to everyone

Things got so bad that he almost dropped out

Mulder joined the FBI, excited at the prospect of knowing no one and being able to go exclusively by his last name

He was somewhat happy of his solitude in the basement—no one really looked into him past his spooky nature, so no one could find out he was trans

Since Samantha, Scully was the first person who was truly accepting of who he really was

Got top surgery sometime before Colony

Definitely fell in love with Scully right after reading her profile skrjnwkdjwka

Mulder and Krycek were definitely an item for a hot sec until Krycek went evil

Mulder is 500% faithful to Scully but kinda had a crush on Doggett for a little bit

Mulder just wants to be a better dad than Bill 🥺🥺🥺

Mulder helped Byers realize he was trans!!! More on that later though

Dana Scully:

A bi queen

Definitely experimented in college and had a couple girlfriends there and through med school

Ending up breaking up with a girl she was really close with because Scully’s job was just putting too much strain on their relationship

It was really hard on her and made her swear off serious relationships for a long time

She thought Mulder was adorable from the moment she saw him but was really scared of actually developing feelings for him so she pushed it down

And kept pushing it down until she finally realized Mulder was never going to hurt her and actually let him in

I’m just ranting about MSR now oops

100% faithful to Mulder but thought Reyes was super hot

Scully is just a distinguished bi idk what else to say

Walter Skinner:

You can’t adopt THAT MANY LGBT agents if you’re not LGBT yourself, right?

Definitely bisexual

Grew up in a really conservative family and didn’t even consider it an option until he moved out

Skinner was attracted to a lot of guys in his squad in Vietnam but he thought it was just because there were no women around

(Spoiler alert: it wasn’t)

Skinner fell in love with John “Kitten” James and he fell hard

Absolutely did everything possible to protect that man

He was terrified of his feelings though and pushed them down, eventually starting to resent his best friend for making him feel things he couldn’t understand

When Kitten got infected by that gas, Skinner put his values over the man he loved, not just because he thought it was the right thing to do, but because he was terrified that he might be bi

He has regretted it ever since

Married his wife after the war and had a pretty good relationship until he became too consumed with his work

Their breakup was really hard on him and he delved even more into his work

Sometime after Avatar (maybe by season 5 or 6), Skinner meets a really lovely man and that man becomes his boyfriend

It’s really hard at first, but the guy helps Skinner to open up and allow himself to be okay with who he really is

They make time for each other outside of work and are really happy together!

Skinner’s boyfriend is 100% okay with the fact that Skinner has basically adopted all these agents

Skinner is everyone’s dad!!! No exceptions

John Byers:

Trans man!!!!

Discovered it pretty late in life, like he knew earlier but he Repressed it

First person he ever came out to was Mulder (as in my fic 😌)

Lots of internalized transphobia in this man but Mulder and the Lone Gunmen really helped him break out of that

Langly and Frohike obviously went with him to get his first T shot and chanted “MAN JUICE” while it happened (scaring a lot of the nurses)

Met Susanne before he transitioned so seeing her again in Three of a Kind was a little terrifying for him

She accepts him though and is a bi icon herself

Byers wears suits so much because they make him feel really validated

Ringo Langly:

Non-binary and gay!! Langly uses any pronouns (gonna stick to he/him for this list to keep things simple though)

Grew up pretty unaware about gender as a whole, just living his life

Moving away from home to a city was huge for him, he started going to gay bars and really realized that he was gay

Eventually started to experiment with his gender, using different pronouns etc., and found out he was non-binary!

Came out to Frohike shortly after learning Frohike was bi (more on that later)

Goes by Ringo because it’s somewhat gender neutral

He isn’t dysphoric very often but when he is it’s very hard for him to cope, Byers and Frohike are always there to support him and help however possible though

Langly gets way more dates than Frohike and loves to brag about it

Melvin Frohike:

We stan one funky little bi king

HE WAS AT STONEWALL I’LL DIE ON THIS HILL

Frohike had a mega crush on Mulder when he first met him and it persisted all the way until he met Scully

And then when he met Doggett he crushed on him too

Frohike is just kind of a hopeless romantic okay I love him

Absolutely bonds with Scully and they always debate which celebrity is hotter while they get more and more drunk

John Doggett

GAY MAN

Doggett was really repressed for a lot of his life, not because he thought his family would hate him for being gay but mostly because of his environment

(He was a drama kid though)

The military REALLY repressed him and thoroughly fucked him up

It wasn’t until he met Reyes that he started to accept himself more

At first Reyes being a lesbian totally freaked him out and he was really upset, leading to a huge strain on their friendship, but one night he broke down and told her he was pretty sure he was gay

Reyes really helped him through everything, especially his divorce from his wife and the loss of his son

Doggett eventually came out to his dad, who was super accepting

It took Doggett a long time to be comfortable enough to date but he started and met a really great guy, one who he’s now married to

One day he mentioned his boyfriend in passing and the rest of the Spooky Squad totally flipped out because they had no idea he was gay

Doggett just straight-faced “I didn’t think it was relevant?”

Sings musical theater songs in the office when no one else is there

Monica Reyes:

A lesbian

There isn’t a straight bone in her body have you SEEN her???

Absolutely crushed on Scully for the longest time at first, totally backed off when she realized she was involved with Mulder

Total mlm/wlw solidarity with Doggett

Reyes is super comfortable with her sexuality

I’m convinced that she’s married and she and her wife live in the same neighborhood as Doggett and his husband

Running out of brain power at this point but I just love her so much??? Mwah

Alex Krycek:

Gay rat

Everything he did against Mulder and Scully was fueled by spite at his ex-boyfriend Mulder

Daddy issues

Sometimes he breaks into TLG’s base and vibes with them for a few days

Rat (affectionate)

Deep Throat:

Gay :)

Bonus: Melissa Scully is a trans lesbian and Samantha Mulder is bisexual and they’re dating

#jack’s posts #the x files #txf #x files #fox mulder #trans fox mulder #bi fox mulder #dana scully #walter skinner #alex krycek #john byers #ringo langly #richard langly #melvin frohike #john doggett #monica reyes #melissa scully #samantha mulder #long post

[sadachmesarthim]

yes this is a rewrite, feel free to fry my ass on anon about it.

content: starker being mean to each other, peter parker has Supportive Friends™, tony has daddy and mommy issues, quentin beck is a Mean Boss™, smoking, secondhand smoke.

word count: 3.0k

square filled: coffee shop au  -> link to playlist here

part two is here!

a little vocab lesson before continuing: mobster = really high up in the chain of command for this group of coffee shops. they go around training new hirees, and often decide who gets to move up the line of command. they get to travel on company money, and are very well respected in the workplace. mobsters usually come in groups - siblings, hires from the same groups, etc. 

Tony didn't like Richland.

Sure, okay, it was a serious step up from Federal Way. He was free from his parents, he could do whatever he wanted in a house all to himself, no one knew who he was - it was a refreshing change, one he definitely needed now that he was graduated, all grown up.

He'd moved back east about two months ago. He'd wanted to get as far away from home as possible, stretch his legs - he went under the guise of missing his grandma, wanting to go to school. He wasn't a terrible liar, either. Howard and Maria'd eaten it up, encouraging him to go as soon as he could.

"If you go now, you could get there in time for summer classes. Maybe even get a job before they stop hiring seasonally. You never know, but you might as well try!"

So here he was. Still jobless, still not yet enrolled in school. Enjoying his time in the (now autumn) sunshine, biding his time before he ran out of money. He'd planned well - he had enough cash to keep him covered for a while, as long as he didn't go blowing it.

He'd blown it.

He was a sucker for good coffee, though, and he missed Outback. He'd worked at one back home for almost a year before he left, and now... now, it was like an itch he couldn't scratch - he needed the interaction, needed to go make friends. He was too much of a social butterfly.

Yet again, he found himself in his truck, on the way to the nearest stand. He was pathetic, really. Here he was, wasting more money on coffee, when he could be out hiking or climbing or... literally doing anything else.

He knew it was worth it the second he pulled in. The cutest kid was running lines that day - shorts hugging his tight ass deliciously, in a way Tony knew his operator would get in trouble for if a Mobster or Coach saw.  Christ, they lettin' just anyone work here now, that it?

He had to keep his thoughts to himself, though - the kid had just finished the cars in front of him, and was headed straight for Tony, iPad in hand. He took a breath, putting on his best poker face. He needed a fucking cigarette.

"Hey handsome! Welcome to Outback, what're we drinkin' today?" Shit, he's cute. All bright and cheery - it might be fake, sure, customer service voice and all - but boy, did he play the part well. All big eyes and wide smile. He looked up at Tony expectantly, right hand hovering over the screen of the runner iPad. Shit, he still has to order something.

"Hi, just a small iced white vanilla breve please." Tony watched as the kid pressed a few spaces on the tablet, shocked at how fluidly he moved. Tony'd never seen him at this location before, but he obviously knew what he was doing. Location transfer, maybe? Mobster? He wasn't sure.

"Perfect! I've got you in - anything else, love?" God, he was too much. There's no way this was just the sickly facade Outback enforced - no, this was all him. "Nah, I'm okay. I'm paying card today, too." He reached his hand out for the tablet, wanting to tip this kid specifically.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, this card reader's broken. The one up at the window's working though! My girl Maia'll be up there waiting for you!" He turned with a smile, skipping off to the next car.

Jesus, who was this kid? And what did Tony have to do to see him again?

•|||•

Return an application, apparently.

Maia, the girl at the window, had let him know that they were hiring. He didn't have to feign interest - he had relevant experience, could work his way up if he needed to - and he'd get to see the mystery boy again. She'd ran and grabbed a small stack of papers for him, which he dutifully filled out and brought back a couple of hours later.

The closing shift lead had briefly interviewed him, practically giving him the job on the spot. Apparently she'd met his sister on a Mob trip, before - it paid to have connections, but damn... someone in town already knew who he was. Oh well. Not a big deal. These were still new people, fresh faces - he could make a clean reputation for himself, a fresh start...

It was exactly what he needed. And if he needed to use a bit of his influence with his sister to get it... so be it.

•|||•

"Emma, please, just... don't be a dick when he calls you. I need this job, it'll be good for m-"

"Save it, Tony. I don't want your excuses. If I say I'll do it, will you leave me alone?" She was being unusually short with him. Fuck. She and Rhodey were fighting again.

"Yes, yes, anything. Thank you so much." He was met with a bored sigh.

"Whatever, dude. I'll put in a good word. Talk to you later." She hung up before he could say anything else. Whatever - it wasn't the worst conversation he'd had with his sister, but it left a lot to be desired.

They hadn't been doing well since she & Rhodey got together. It was on-again-off-again... and they were honestly both to blame. Neither one of them was good at commitment, and it showed.

It put strain on both of their relationships with Tony, and didn't do much to help keep him in Federal Way. He sought comfort in the isolation of a new town, but it didn't seem to be helping anything.

Leaving never did, but it was really all he knew how to do.

•|||•

Peter hadn’t been at Outback long, but he’d enjoyed every minute of it.

He’d gotten hired almost immediately after graduation, not wanting to waste a second of his summer not making money. It was a bit of a difficult transition - he wasn’t a big fan of Beck, his boss, and training was really overwhelming. But after he’d hit that twelve week mark... it’s like something just clicked.

He was a whiz on bar, he was making friends right and left. He and Maia’d even gone to get tattoos together a couple weeks ago during a flash sale. He was getting faster and faster at running cars, he knew almost all of his regular customers. He genuinely felt like part of the family.

That didn’t really change when Beck hired a new group, either. There weren’t too many of them, helping keep their group small. They’d been spending a bit of time in the stand here and there, going over the rules, the ins and outs of making coffee, taking their menu test.

The three he was introducing today seemed okay enough. He just barely caught the tail end of Beck's “congrats on becoming a full employee” monologue before the man set the fresh meat loose. Not that they could really go far - it was maybe a good spit's distance from corner to corner. But, if it helped them get their bearings...

He was pulled from his thoughts before they could take off too far. “Hey, Parker! Come say hi to the green beans!”

•|||•

The red haired girl was nice enough. They'd introduced themselves, exchanged snap usernames, gushed over Peter's tattoos, and bonded over the typical new job anxiety. He'd forged a sweet new friendship with Bri, and was hopeful she'd stick around. He'd seen people like her get chewed up and spit out in this industry, and he liked her.

The tall guy... was pretty boring, actually. He stayed on his phone for the majority of the introduction, opting to ignore Peter entirely. It was fine - he'd probably be gone by the end of the month. Not like they’d miss him - he barely passed his menu test, from what Peter’d overheard.

Then came Mr. Short, Dark, and Brooding - Tony, apparently - Peter remembered him from a few weeks ago. He’d given Peter a poorly concealed once-over, tried to take the runner iPad from right out of his hands... if he wasn’t so attractive, Peter’d pin him for a fuckboy.

Despite how much he looked like he’d wanted to back then, when given the opportunity, he didn’t really engage with Peter. He apparently wasn’t the type to keep eye contact, go in for a hug, make small talk. 0 for 2. Disappointing. Oh well. That’s fine - Peter was perfectly content as the only guy at this location (sans Beck, of couse). Too much testosterone didn’t foster a healthy working environment, and they all knew it.

The girls, especially. They all gushed over Peter - apparently being the token gay guy in the stand somehow made him exempt from the targetted harassment. Nearly every guy they’d hired had left within 9 months - coffee was definitely a female-dominated field.

Peter was excited to see how these two fared.

•|||•

The tall guy was gone within a week. Didn’t even leave notice, just up and stopped showing up to his shifts. Not that it was the end of the world - he was still in his probationary period, so he wasn’t even making tips. No sweat off Peter’s back.

Bri did really well, in comparison. Beck was unusually strict with her - lashing out during her initial first shifts, generally being a hardass. It was unnecessary, and everyone knew it - Peter often found himself having fridge or bathroom meetings with her to help calm her down. But she kept showing up, kept trying, and after a few weeks she was doing just as well as Peter and the rest of them.

Tony was even better. Peter’d heard through the grapevine that he’d worked at a different location when he was still in school. Why he had to go through training again was lost on Peter - Beck tended to be thorough when it came to these kinds of things, but Tony was arguably more experienced than some of Peter’s coworkers...

Apparently, it’s because he wasn’t one to play nice.

•|||•

It took them quite a while to work together. Peter’d found himself getting the shit end of the schedule, working 7-1s religiously. It was by far his least favorite shift - dealing with the morning and lunch rushes were nothing, if not exhausting. But he pushed through, and finally got a say in what he worked - a very comfortable 5 - close.

Tony seemed to fill the between-shift gap - 2-8 was his jam. He liked working later, but still getting home before dark. Apparently being a newbie meant drawing the short straw sometimes -

And the short straw just so happened to be barring with the twink from a few weeks ago.

He hadn’t been... avoiding him. Tony just... didn’t like the way he worked. Peter was flighty, always moving. It irked him... he was just so much, it made Tony’s head hurt. If he wasn’t so engaging he might actually piss Tony off - but he knew the kid had nothing but good intentions, and that made it bearable.

It didn’t translate to the bar, though.

It seemed nearly impossible for them to work well together. Tony’d been assigned the milk station for the last three hours of his shift - a long stretch, but nothing he hadn’t done before. Peter was on shots almost the entire time. Poor kid.

Tony’s sympathy ran dry when they actually began working. They were almost always on top of each other - Peter crowding his space and trying to do too much. It grated on Tony’s every nerve, made it difficult to function. Peter didn’t seem to notice at all - or if he did, he didn’t care.

It came to a head when Peter went for the fridge. 

It was a pretty well-known rule that the person on shots doesn’t reach for the fridge. Not only was it too far away from their position on machine, it requires them to go behind their bar partner, which is dangerous in a shop this small. Hot liquids, ice, sugar... they can cause spills, burns, falls... 

So of course this dumbass goes for the fridge. Opens the door. Grabs a can of cold brew with his bare hands before turning back around. 

And running into Tony face first. 

This would have been fine if it were literally anything other than a cold brew. This would have been fine if Tony wasn’t holding a fresh drink! But no - the universe lined things up just right, laid out the most well-planned disaster. 

As they made contact, Peter’s hands flew up in shock, dropping the very pressurized can. It exploded as it hit the concrete, spraying nitrogen and foam-y coffee all over them. This caused Tony to let go of the drink in his hand, coating both of their lower halves in hot, sticky milk. 

It was picturesque, the mess they made. 

Tony looked up at Peter in absolute shock. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?! Why were you in the fridge?!” 

“I was just trying to help! You were busy, I figured I could-” Tony cut him off before he filled the stand with more hot air. Not in the mood for his bullshit excuses. 

“I don’t care how busy you think I am - you ask before doing something outside of your station. Do you understand me?” The look in his eye was one Peter’d never seen before - it probably should have scared him, but frankly, it just made him angrier. 

“Who do you think you are to be giving me orders?” He was huffy, he could feel his cheeks burning red. He was an angry crier, and knew he was struggling to control his face. 

“My sister’s a Mobster. I think I know what I’m doing.” Oh. That explained it - his experience, his proficiency on bar... why he was such a dick. Peter’d never met a Mobster he liked, and if this guy was related to one... shit just made sense. 

•|||•

He spent the remaining few hours of Tony’s shift hiding in the back. They were better off separated, and neither complained. Tony could handle himself up front, and Peter was productive enough. He had chores to do, dishes to finish, the closing list to start... Getting an early start benefitted everyone. 

By the time 8 rolled around, the atmosphere in the stand had relaxed. They’d both had a chance to clean up, the girls on window had helped ease the tension with casual conversation. Bri had been running, and Peter spent plenty of time in the back with her, hushed enough to avoid the ears a few feet away. 

“I don’t see why he gets to walk all over us. You’ve been here longer, and the attitude isn’t necessary.” She was sitting on the edge of the sink, goldfish making their way to her mouth between words. “You know I don’t like him. I don’t see why you keep trying to be nice.”

Peter sighed. He knew she was right. “I just... I don’t want anyone here to feel left out, or like I did at the beginning. Beck can be mean... I want all of you to feel welcome.” It wasn’t a lie, either - he’d made a point to make everyone feel at home, to make this stand a family. Until Tony showed up, he’d been doing a great job. 

“I know buttercup. Just... don’t go bending over backward for someone that won’t even look you in the eye.” With that she hopped down, ready to clock out. 

Tony shuffled past them both, excited to do the same. Maia’d taken over the bar for him, alleviating him just before the four minute window was up. He didn’t even excuse himself, just inserting himself in their personal space without concern. 

Bri shot Peter a look before she left. Talk to him! 

He opted for bravery. He deserved an apology for Tony’s harsh words earlier today, and he was going to get it. 

He checked the cameras before walking back, making sure Maia wasn’t gonna wind up swamped if this took longer than necessary. Tony was collecting his things - he had to do this fast. 

“Hey, listen.” Tony looked up, unamused. “I know we didn’t exactly have a good shift, and yeah I’m partly to blame for that... but Beck doesn’t really vibe with hostility, and the girls...” 

Tony cut him off halfway through. “What, it makes them uncomfortable? They don’t like it when a man takes charge, has a little outburst? Sheesh, y’all really are a mess.” What the fuck?

“Okay, seriously. I tried to be nice. You owe me, and the rest of us, a serious apology for today, or I’m going to Quentin about it. It’s not that hard to say you’re sorry, Tony.” Good job Parker, firm boundaries. 

“I’m sorry? Sorry for what, doing my job? Fuck that, man. I’m out of here.” He opened the door and left, skipping past an oncoming car and heading toward his own. 

Peter followed him. It was stupid, sure - but he needed to assert himself here. This was his stand, his home - and he was damned if he was going to let some... some asshole trample all over his home like this.

He caught up to Tony quickly, stopping him before he could open the driver’s door. “Why are you such an asshole? The girls are obsessed with you, you clearly have a leg up against everyone else in your group. There’s no reason for you to be acting like this, dude. You’ve been here all of what, a month?” 

Tony took a long drag from his cigarette before answering. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. Now be a good little closer, and run inside. Finish your shift.” He exhaled the smoke into Peter’s face, getting into his car and driving away without another word. 

What a douchebag. 

#sorry i just flat out didn't like this #sfsummerbingo21 #starkerfestivalsevents #starker #peter parker/tony stark #peter parker x tony stark #coffee shop au #.mine #i'm so sorry mads #i know i'm a pain in the ass

[its-reddie123]

A head cannon of Richie Tozier being a hoe:

Okay first of all we don’t slut shame in this house so even though Richie is a massive hoe we respect him for it: (also note obviously they are all of age in this) (and it’s over several years/months not weeks)

-has Richie slept with all the losers? Yes yes he fucking has, do any of them know? No they definitely don’t

-the first one surprisingly wasn’t Eddie it was Stan, things had got heated one night when they were joking around in the club house when everyone had gone and Stan kissed him (partly just to shut him up), now by this point Richie had basically kissed all the losers because he’s that type of friend to suggest spin the bottle and shit like that but this time with Stan it was different and they both got very into it 👀

-Stan was the first to start taking off clothes and Richie gay panicking stumbled getting up to join him that he fell over😂 they both continued kissing and though they don’t go all the way by the end they were both spent, they almost got caught the next morning by Mike coming into the clubhouse but luckily they heard him coming before it was too late

-the next person of course was Bill, Richie had the strongest crush on him out all of the losers and for the longest, he admired him so much so it was only a matter of time before he put his foot in his mouth and let it slip, he always hinted he had crushes and all the losers but hid it behind his jokes but what happened with Bill was not that sort of situation

-At a party both Richie and Bill had found there way to the roof, both considerably drunk (but not enough that they weren’t both fully aware of what they were gunna do) Richie, actually fucking quiet for once in his life sat there trying not to stare at Bill but Bill noticed laughing “what?”

“You’re fucking gorgeous!” Richie said giving him a small shove

“What??!” Bill laughed

“You are so beautiful!”

“Shut up stop joking around” Bill laughed

“I’m not I will keep telling you till you believe me! You’re a literal god Bill and I’ve had the biggest crush on you forever...”

Then Richie realised he had got carried away and what he had said so stopped in silence he blushed

“I didn’t know you llll..liked me like that”

“Don’t go telling anyone” Richie continued to look at his feet

“Of course I won’t, ...you know I really like you like that too” Richie looked up smiling and both of them leaned to kiss

-did they do stuff on that roof? Yes yes they did, and after decided to keep things staying casual as friends cause Richie confessed he really loved Eddie and Bill understood

-who was next you may ask? well Beverly of course they fully fucked several times to tell the truth, mostly when the hung out to get high together but also just if they happened to both be horny, as they talked the most of the losers there little to absolutely no secrets between them and they both loved to be with each other as they confessed several times, they kept it very secret though and always as a friends with benefits relationship until one day they decided just be pure friends instead

-then came Ben, aaaaaaaa I can’t think of a situation Ben and Richie would ever hook up cause I see Ben as straight, you know what I got this far I’m following through

“What’s up Haystack?” Richie sat next to him on the floor of the high schools hallway leaning against lockers,

“Oh you know...stuff” tears rolling down his face as he tried to crack a smile

“What sorta stuff?” Richie said looking concerned

“I don’t feel so great about myself, and I feel very lonely sometimes”

“Marsh still hasn’t sorted her shit out?”

“No”

“Look Ben you’re an amazing guy, I think you are literally perfect, don’t worry if it’s just taking some time for others to see this”

“I’m not perfect!” he chuckled

“Did I ever tell you that I’m bi Ben?”

“ no... i didn’t know that... how’s that related though?”

“Well if you hadn’t guessed already I am totally head over heels in love with Eddie, has his noticed yet? No, am I hopeful yes cause it’s just bound to happen”

Ben leaned on Richies shoulder as the last tears fell from his face

“I’ve never kissed anyone before, no ones gunna want me” whispered Ben

“Ah see ah see well Benny boy how about we change that? I have plenty of experience” Ben lifted his head looking at Richie

“No strings attached” so Richie holding up his hands

“Okay but outside under the bleachers” even though everyone was in class it was still to risky to do in the hallway

-they kissed, Richie guiding him through making out and showing tips of where to put his hands he even through in some things he knew Beverly liked (without saying her name of course)

-Mike the man, the farmer, the rock of the group, the king, he loves Richie gets very protective over him (over all the losers tbh but Richie the most) it’s something about knowing he will keep putting his foot in his mouth and Mike knows he means no one any harm, there have been several fights Mike has broken up and saved Richies ass many times, one day they were running from Henry Bowers and his gang, after losing them a couple of blocks back they found themselves in the woods

“You okay?” Mike looked at richies black eye and broken glasses

“Well I can’t see a fucking thing but yeah I’m good” touching his under his eye gingerly “thank you for saving me! My knight in shining armour!” He said going to hug Mike but then he tripped and Mike caught him there faces very close Richie leaned in (not really sure where exactly to aim for) and kissed Mike, he pulled back realising maybe Mike wasn’t into guys out of all the losers he wasn’t really one to talk about that stuff

-but as soon as he pulled away and inch Miked lips instantly came back Richie shocked managed to trip again! And this time took Mike down with him they both laughed and continued to make out on the forest floor, did things happen?yes, yes they did, did it go all the way? yes, yes it did (I will leave it up to you to decided who was bottoming)

-so yeah Mike was richies first time fully being with a guy but of course Eddie was his second! Finally to the relief of all the losers cause the sexual tension was becoming fucking unbearable, they hooked up but not before both confessed their love each other one time when left alone at a party, Richie did also tell Eddie this wasn’t his first time but Eddie didn’t mind it was his first time and he knew Richie could/would take care of him👀

-then we come to the point of a very interesting game of two truths one lie several years later, everyone was out of their heads drunk, Richie and Bev were also stoned as hell and Richie decided this was the perfect time to say a truth of he had basically hooked up with all of the losers without any of the others knowing, his other truth was he was bi (which everyone of course already knew) and the lie that he was once abducted by aliens, so it was pretty clear straight aware it was the truth, Eddie actually found this hilarious completely understanding cause he found most of the losers very attractive as well, everyone else was in complete shock Richie immediately being bombarded with questions, but in the end everyone just ended up laughing about it and Richie was named the hoe of the group

#richie tozier #itmovie #it #it 2017 #mike hanlon #ben hanscom #beverly marsh #bill denbrough #losers club #stanley uris #reddie #eddie kaspbrak #IT #it losers #it chapter 2

[filmmakerdreamst]

How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

#if this doesn't convince you to watch the show i don't know what will #i love this article so much! #xena #xwp #xena warrior princess #xena x gabrielle #gabrielle #gabrielle x xena #xena/gabrielle #renee o'connor #lucy lawless #tv show #lgbtqia #lgbt #article #quote #passage #xena & gabrielle #gabrielle/xena #xena: warrior princess #subtext #lesbian #bisexual #lesbian subtext #queer subtext #analysis #review #discussion #xena and gabrielle #gabrielle and xena

[faerielleart]

Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.

yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can

first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid

alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.

thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️

one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.

several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️

she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this

anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that

march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.

and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.

what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.

and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️

i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜