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georgette-mademoiselle · 16 days

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Name: Georgette mademoiselle

Physical Age: 30

Height: 5'10

Fandoms: fandomless oc with her own story but is tied with kny, Castlevania ( still in progress )

Born: Wallachia

𝕭𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖘𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖞 ⚰️🥀

Raised in the dark ages where bieng born with red hair were immideatly shunned out by society as witches and Even persecuted and thus left her with having no friends or anyone to talk to all except for her mother. Her mother had completely sheltered her in her home never to see the outside world ever again for the sake of avoiding the whole village to come for her and herself. To make sure that Georgette would never walk out the door again her mother inflicted poison in her mind that nobody in this world would ever treat her like a person because she was cursed forever with her crimson apperance that the villagers would do the absolute worse if they ever saw her again and that all she needs is right here in this house because mother would protect her.

It was like this for years nothing but isolation away from the world if Georgette ever went near the door her mother would scold her and retell the awfullness of humanity that its safer here than out there. This constant negativity of the world left georgette scared and anxious not only that but she began having existential crisis of wishing she was never born at all if people viewd her as some devil child.

Her breaking point was at age 18 finally having enough of just bieng locked in and having mother treat her as some helpless child that needs to be sheltered she confronted her that all she ever did was make her feel nothing but fear of people and especially her her own mother her actions of " protection " only ever felt like bieng a prisoner. This infurated her and soon later georgettes face was met with a smack. Eyes widen with tears then bottled up rage crawled within her and shoved her out to the side to open that door but immideatly her grabbed her by the collar of her dress dragging her to her room where she would lock her there for two years now at the age of 20.

Despite everything georgette was taught since childhood she truly belived that there was good in this world perhaps it wasnt in her village but maybe just maybe somewhere out there good will and people truly existed maybe somone would actually love her crimson locks perhaps even view her as an equal human bieng and not some sorceress. Shed daydream a life that would never occur then think about it so much that shed dream of it and on this dream a handsome man apleard before her false fantasy hed listen to her woes how she feels like a burden the man would hold her close and give her his wisdom but one word stood out "one day..someday fate will bring us closer" little did she know this fate was about to become reality.

On that day she was sound asleep but just as she would soon enter the dream world her mother awoke she was in a state of panick that she had no time to explain herself and dragged her out of bed leaving out through the back door in her own words " run my child! Run and dont turn back!" It was soon realized why she was in so much fear as the yelling of blasphemy upon the villagers began rampaging through the house setting it on fire but soon somebody would see them and immideatly made no hesitation to run after them.

Her worst fears had finally come true they've come to taken them both to burn to death and so Georgette ran like shes never ran before that she even surpassed her mother she didnt care that her mouth tasted like blood or her legs giving out she refused to stop. What felt like hours of running soon her mother would become to weary of it all and soon enough she fell to her knees completely exhausted hearing the loud thud stopped Georgettes footing and turned to look at her. Genuine concern with tears overflowed for once despite everything she was still her mother and so with wobbly legs she would make her steps to get until she shouted " NO! RUN SAVE YOURSELF LEAVE ME TO THEM SO YOU CAN FINALLY BE FREE..." those words would be the last she heard before she took one last good look at her before bolting outta there as the mob reached closer with the torches flames bieng seen.

Entering deeper into the woods she would run into a man with the same hair and eye color who was out collecting wood she froze in death she thought this was the end that the man would alert the villagers to her althou she craved the thought of death she didnt want her life to end this brutal.

The man noticed she shared the same hair and eyes and soon realized exactly why she looked scared and exhausted he assured her that he wasnt going to do anything that he aswell has been hiding away from the village for the exact same reason. learning that georgette was not alone in this she felt great relief though held back tears of joy she followed the man back to his cottage where she would take shelter for the next few years.

He was however an actual witch he had been practicing ever since he vanished he ended up finding comfort in spellworks and watching the moon and so georgette became his helper in collecting herbs, moon water and other necessities she also became his housemaid cleaning around his home whenever he hadnt had the time.

With enough trust georgette would finally come to tell him her story of how life was back at home always having scornful stares bieng called devils child by the children and that her mother would eventually just keep her locked in her room so that she would never experience such ruthlesness again yet even in her own home she felt the same way as she felt about the outside world despite her mother doing it for the sake of keeping her safe she only felt terrified of her.

The man felt nothing but empathy for her and wanted to help her view the world in a different light than what she was taught. The world is not always as evil as it is there is good its just that the human nature of greed and selfishness gets in the way of ever seeing that. Finally somone that understands no more had she need to rely on her daydream this beautiful gentleman of crimson locks would share the same view that the world isnt necessarily evil perhaps one day the two would run away from this place and experience the life that they wished would give them hope of a healthy lifestyle. By this point she begged of him to teach her the arts of witchcraft and he did so.

Things where finally taking a turn for the better for georgette until she hit 30 and everything reversed back to how it was but worse.

Georgette had gone out to doing her usual routine for the next full moon of the gentlemans spells only on this particular day it was taking a long while for her to find it and when she did she would return to the cottage all burned away by the flames of torches along with the man that Georgette grew fond of.

Her world shattered right before her eyes before she could even attempt to stop it the villagers all came out in hiding and pierced her with there weapons then burning her until she looked unrecognizable. once they felt that they have purged the devil within her they would put her in a coffin and leave her to die.

She was barley clinging onto dear life but in her final moments she didnt even fought to stay alive. She was done with it all feeling betrayed of ever thinking that there could ever be good in this world was foolish now. Mother was right all along...she should have just been a good girl and stayed locked up nobody in this world wanted her alive that they had to take matters into there own hands. But most of all how foolish that man was to ever have thought of such foolishness...death was the only answer for her to have true happiness and thus just as she was about to take one last her lips where met with a gentle warm kiss and soon enough she felt her blood flowing again, her wounds slowly healing. She took a huge gasp of air she had risin from the dead.

Lifting her arms no longer pale her skin cold with bluish purple of decay. looking around she realized she was now in a dark red chambers that gave of a dark presence. She would get up and see a mirror next to her and sure enough she was no longer human.

Echoes of footsteps would be heard coming down the etheral stairs what looked like a man yet isnt walked towards georgie. A demon with a red cloak and venitian mask would greet her.

From here on now her life has been transformed to something she never would have expected she has now become the embodiment of the title that plagued her for many years except this time she held power.

The world is indeed a cruel place he told her and now she can take sweet revenge as she pleased he planted it in her mind to spill blood of your enemies shall lead you to a grander path. And so memories flashed before her eyes that rage set in looking at the demon with his grin loving this new version of her.

And so the village was no more.

And thus her adventure begins with her master the red death of pestilence along with two other friends she makes along the way boris and allen ( will eventually draw them).

𝖂𝖍𝖞 𝖌𝖊𝖔𝖗𝖌𝖊𝖙𝖙𝖊 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖘 𝖍𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖌𝖚 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖈𝖑𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘

They have something in common and thats both of them where shunned by society and seen as monsters

For georgette was because she was born with unique features

For hantengu was because of his mental illness that caused him to act reckless and steal things from people not to mention literally murdering his wifes and kids

Yet despite what he has done Georgette felt a sort of pity for him perhaps deep down there was a cry for help of wanting to be understood but because mental illness had yet to be understood at that time period nobody bothered to

For hantengu she had been one of the few people to have tried to understood him and be there for him in his most vulnerable of moments.

He loved having somone that understood the nature of bieng an outcast.

As for the clones? There a part of him despite there different appearance and personalities it was him regardless theyve all been through the same thing as he has

And then sekido..

Sekido was the one that reminded him of the crimson gentleman of her past he was very kind but often was quite and kept to himself that it made him look like he was in a bad mood often calling him a silent rose.

And thus she gifted him that nickname to sekido.

In conclusion all the clones including sekido have been through alot with no love only viewd as monsters just like herself and thus that gives them a bond to connect with aswell as bieng able to feel comfort in showing vulnerability when there all together

This experience also helped boost back her old views of there is such thing as good in this world

And that good is that there are people out there that have never experienced a positive life because of there upbringing so be that positive change for them

And thats exactly what happend both partys of the black sheep came together realizing that they are not alone they have each other now

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arsenicflame · 1 month

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i think, ultimately, the problem is that i dont want to get better.

its more nuanced than that, obviously. i would love to be better. i would love to exist and grow without pain and suffering and just. i want to be better.

but better for me doesnt ever look like that. the best hand ill get is a life of constantly fighting to feel stable, to be anything resembling ok. ill never be over this and ill never have to stop fighting and its. so fucking hard.

i try to see hope in the every day. i love my friends with everything ive got, i do the things that make me happy, i make my own joy where i can but. its never enough. its never going to be enough. none of these things are ever going to outweigh the burden of everything else. i get so fucking drained trying to live a normal life, i cant even do half the things a person is expected to do to exist. i dont think i ever will.

i think. i dont think the person i would be if i was better is someone i truly want to be, either. i dont think im fun to be around or a particularly good friend or anything. i find myself abrasive and too intense and in general, not someone people truly enjoy, and it would only be worse if i wasnt weighed down by my own issues. i dont think the person i am or would be is someone worth fighting for. and i know, i know i would never think these things about anyone else but. here we are. here i am. acknowledging it takes work to find stability and i dont want to, dont have the energy to, the motivation to put that work in for myself.

i wish i did. i really wish i did but i cant change the fact that i dont. the future is a black hole of nothingness and misery for me and no amount of small hopes change that.

the future is the night sky and yes, theres sparks of light in there, but theres so, so much darkness to get through to find them.

and im already so tired.

im gonna log off now for a bit i think, if youve got me somewhere else ill probably still be reachable there (or as reachable as i ever am, i guess) but i think im gonna take some space to think things over.

i appreciate everything anyone has ever done for me but you cant help me if i cant help myself, and i dont expect you to.

i want the world for you, i want you to keep fighting and find hope and have happy and fulfilling lives surrounded by love. i hope you can have that. working on getting better is so hard, but i hope the world is kind to you, i hope your effort is worth it. i hope you keep being someones star, because i know you were mine. i love you.

#nyxtalks #vent #long post. sorta

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overgrownmoon · 10 months

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ventpost below i need to yell into the void some more

ok i had dinner and i feel better but man there’s a lot on my mind right now and if i don’t yell about it somewhere i might explode. the problem is i don’t really know who irl might be able to genuinely help me with this issue. let me get into it, while trying to not give out too many personal details.

my baby brother is 17 years younger than me. yea, big gap. he’s actually my half brother, my stepdad and mom got married a few years ago. look, i love my stepdad. i love my bro. but… man, do i have complicated feelings.

i’m terrified we’ll never be close due to the age gap. we might never relate to each other or find common ground. i mean, im gonna move out and he’ll spend most of his childhood knowing me as someone who doesn’t live with him. will he see me as a sibling? will i just be another annoying family member mom makes him say hi to?

how can i even say that part of me is angry he exists? how can i say that and feel good about myself? listen, i dont like feeling that way, but there is a part of me that is so upset that he was born.

my younger brother and I were sat down and told the news when mom was a month pregnant. i spent the moments leading up to that reveal praying that this wouldn’t be a pregnancy announcement. then I had to pretend i wasnt thinking that. i told mama i was happy and felt so guilty, like i was lying. i’m not sure if i wasn’t.

we were never consulted. at no point did mama or my stepdad ask us how we would feel about a new sibling. never were we included in that conversation. i’m sorry, don’t i live here? isn’t this my family? don’t i have a voice in this? it felt unfair, like i wasn’t even considered as someone who would have feelings about this. it’s a huge life change, i would’ve liked to at least be asked! i still feel betrayed. and i feel selfish that i do.

no, i didn’t want a new baby in the house. i was happy with my younger bro and my new stepsister from stepdad’s side, who lives in a different state than me. i thought our family was enough. when the baby was announced, i suddenly felt that maybe i wasn’t enough. maybe me and my brother weren’t enough.

are we not enough? why did mama want another? did we not love her enough? did my stepdad not love us enough? why would they have felt that they needed a new baby between them, a new child born from their marriage, when we kids were already there? what sort of need did they feel to “validate” or “deepen their bond?” y’all are married, we had the ceremony and everything, was it not enough? i don’t understand.

it’s hard for me to understand. i have tokophobia, the fear of pregnancy. i describe it as a phobia since the very mention of it makes me feel sick and upset. i get uncomfortable just seeing a visibly pregnant person in public. the idea of a being growing inside me and using my energy frightens me, and the whole ordeal that is birth sounds like a torture scene from a horror movie. i can’t fathom why someone would want to go through that a third time! i can’t even imagine wanting to do it once!

i know it’s not my baby bros fault. he didn’t choose to be born. he’s here, and we can’t undo that. i’ll do my best to love him and raise him in this home. i’m so, so scared of the future, though.

i’m scared because i see so much of my own childhood fears coming through. as a kid i felt like a burden. that i was a leech on my parents money and time. i felt guilty for having the problems and issues every kid has because i felt that i was being an undue burden, some kind of obstacle against my parent’s happiness. i thought they would be happier if i didn’t exist, and if they were free to go travel and vacation without a needy child to take care of. in many ways i’m still shaking off those old thoughts about myself; i still find it hard to ask for help without feeling like i’m just making more problems for everyone.

will the baby feel like that? will he watch me and my brother move out, get jobs, while he has to live at home for another decade? will he watch other folks my parents age, whose children are out of the house and are free to go and do whatever they want, and feel that he is the reason his own parents can’t? will he feel that he is the burden of the family, like i did?

i hate that feeling. i don’t want him to feel that way. no kid should feel that way. i especially hate that sometimes i feel myself thinking that way about him; being annoyed that i have to watch him instead of going somewhere, that we have to be back in time for his nap instead of staying out, that we can’t go out at all because we don’t have a sitter for him. i hate it. it’s not his fault. i know that. but after going a few years where we as a family could be spontaneous, could go and do and be out for however long we wanted, and then be put back in a restrictive schedule - it sucks. i liked that freedom and i want it back. that’s not fair to him.

i don’t feel like a very good big sibling, or a very good person saying all of this. i don’t feel good at all. i struggle talking about this to anyone because that’s mum family i’m talking about, a little boy, and how dare i speak so evilly about my little baby brother? i feel like a monster. i’m could never say anything about this to mama; she’d be so hurt, because that’s her baby i’m talking about. it sucks because i can talk to mama about anything else but this. we have always been so close and i feel like this is driving. a wedge in that, because i don’t think we will ever be able to see eye to eye and understand each others views. mama had always wanted children; i will be happy with none. i dont think we’d ever be able to find a solution.

i don’t know what to do. of course i’ll never take it out on the baby, but i’m so scared of this turning into resentment that i can’t help but show around him. i can’t do that to him, make him think i hate him for something he had no control over. yet, how does one ever figure out these complicated thoughts? i don’t think i ever will. that’s terrifying to think about.

uh, thanks for reading, i guess. irl moots please know i’m fine, currently. just really in the weeds at the moment. im tired.

shit, man, family. i thought mine was already complicated enough.

#clownponderings #venting #vent please ignore #sighhhhh complicated feelings time #tw pregnancy #just in case #doomposting

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baddiewiththesaddies · 1 year

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Dear diary

this will be the way i get my voice heard... shit even just to purge these thoughts from my mind..... with all the hatred i have in my heart its easy to get blinded by the darkness... the more i try to fight it the worse it gets.. honestly i just wan to disappear not really die but like if could be erased off this earth like i never existed so i dont hurt anyone by leaving..... bc ik my death will effect some and i cant stand the thought of them hurting bc i cant take my brain and life. my mouth gets the best of me sometimes.. but all im left with is speach so i say things i dont mean.. that comes from not wanting to self harm or hurt anyone around me... not that i have hurt anyone but for some reason im seen as this violent person. when reeally im hurt tired nd fed up. i hurt myself before id hurt another person.... been down that road and im not doing it again. so i say things aggressively that i dont mean.... i talk outta my ass to try and get this energy outta my body so i dont harm myself ...... and see at that im trying to deprogram my brain from fight or flight yk....survival mode... i wish i could just make all that trauma go away as fast as i got it. i try to find spiritual reason but i am still left with why... why is it me that has to break generational curses....why is getting help so complex... no i dont want to sit for hrs and be questioned 100000000x about the same shit over and over for them to tell what ik already.. i promise i wouldnt make up being this tormented by my own mind. no i dont just want drug. I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL..whatever that may be i really just want to know what it likes to wake up calm no night Terros.... no ugly thoughts in my head.. i just want to not have this anger and these burdens that were given to me by ny parents by ex lovers and ex friends... ppl romanticize metal illness like its a designer bag. like its some type of limited edition collectable. but in reality its hell in hell... this world is hard enough to naviagte thru without being at war with yoursef constanly.... i fight to have patients to have to fight to be heard i fight the voice of trauma tell me to destroy without a thought of consequence. i fight the feeling of being that doormat of a person i used to be. i suppose im now talking in circles.... so ill end todays entry here... and although rn you dont feel it we will be at peace. till then remember the pyramids werent built in one day. Rome wasnt built over night and overcoming trauma wont happen over night so plz be kind to us....

sincerely

your heart and brain </3

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cookiestblrcorner · 2 years

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TW: depression, self h*rm, eating issues, sexual issues, su*cidal thoughts, abuse, etc

I’ve told my self that things will get better but it’s been 20 years and I’m so scared. Will it? Can I truly ever heal from everything? Can I live for myself or will I always live for everyone else? Is my existing important enough? Am I only here to help others? What about me? Ever since I was born. All I’ve been doing is living to survive and help others. But I always feel so alone and helpless when it comes to myself. My moms an narcissist, mentally scarred, selfish, reckless, angry alcoholic. My dads a selfish alcoholic too. My brothers dad sexually abused my mother for years. I spent years trying to help her and protect her while witnessing everything. My first relationship seems to have some sexual abuse involved too, people just seem to want my body. My minds a mess. I never fit in at all. My aunt and cousin seem like they no longer care about me. Probably because I’m not straight and perfect. My mom gets frustrated and mad at me at times and trauma dumps everything on me and vents to me all the time. My dad decided he wanted nothing to do with me and said he wished he never met me. My first love made me feel insecure about my speech impediment, about my learning disabilities, and the things I understand and can’t. Made me feel insecure about my interests. He also made me feel like I wasnt good enough. That I was an burden at times. And wanted sex a lot and guilt me into it a lot of the time. I felt like I was suppose to pleasure him anytime he wanted. That how I felt didnt matter. My best friend recently died in January. I had to move, I feel so alone sometimes and I can’t stop thinking about self harming myself or taking my own life. I cant sleep, eating is so hard and I can’t ever gain weight. Everyone mentions how skinny I am. I barely sleep. I don’t know how to function, and don’t understand how I feel or know what I want. I’m 20 and yet I can’t remember much, and my brain can’t process much anymore. I just feel like such an mess. I just don’t see why I’m here sometimes or how I really help anyone. Im always tired, working, dumb, boring, irritated, empty, or emotional. I’m tired of pretending my life is fine and that I don’t go through all this stuff. I don’t know what a normal life is. I feel so out of touch with others and it’s hard to connect with others. I feel like all I am is trauma. And I hate that. Im so insecure and scared to let people completely in. I don’t know what’s heathy love or heathy sex. I feel like I don’t know anything really. It hurts. Im struggling to manage through everyday. I hope it gets better because I don’t want to hurt anyone but this pain I feel. It’s so intense and painful. :(( i just want to be happy, get better, and understand who I am and why I’m the way that I am. I’m worried how far I’m falling again and I hope I don’t end up losing to this pain.

#vent post #childhood truama #ptsd vent #tw depressing stuff #anxitey #mental health #mentally tired #scared #frustrated #stressed #exhausted af #tw alchohol mention #sexuality #abandoned #tw death #tw self destructive thoughts

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bloodycassian · 3 years

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Azriel x Reader - Trying.

TW- DEPRESSION//sadness - Thank you anon for this request. I have struggled with Dysthymia for almost my whole life. It felt good to write this little piece of representation.

Nothing but a ghost. Like the two wraiths that waited to serve you at your command. The wraiths that had nothing to do. Granted, they had tried pushing food on you, or books or paints or whatever other form of entertainment or sustenance but you ignored them. Knowing that if you had put up the fight to say anything you may lose your control completely and break down. You could let the time pass, numbly without a care. It was better than having to deal with the reality of not being alive at all.

Rhysand had set you up in a beautiful room in the house of wind after the village attack. You could see the entire city below and the ocean beyond. It did nothing for you. If he was hoping for some kind of gratitude he didn't show it. He simply explained the house would provide if needed and that he would check in weekly. You were surprised he wasnt asking for more - that he wasnt going to try to get any information from you about Hybern's forces on the continent. After months of war you had become numb to the idea of peace. It never seemed like an option anymore. Perhaps the two generals he had brought with him to save your village had gotten all the information they needed.

Weeks of sleeping later and you felt your eyes getting heavy again while looking out to the Sidra. The bright city below seemed buzzing with excitement about the upcoming summer solstice. You couldn't wait until you could go to bed. The tower of books on the table beside you casted a shadow over your feet, then your legs, up to your arms. Until finally, it was dark on the balcony, the stars above twinkling like the white caps on the ocean. Dread twisted in your gut, and you slowly got up, letting your body adjust to the change. Dark spots edged in around your vision.

You could feel the chasm open inside you. The pit of loneliness - the empty void of demons waiting to take you as soon as you dropped your guard. The head rush from getting up made you want to vomit. The acid in your stomach churned, burning up to your throat. Fasting for so long would make Rhysand force your hand to eat, you knew. But you couldn't bring yourself to even try. You felt weighted, like there was a tired blanket over your being and you couldn't get it off no matter how hard you tried. The demons pulled at you.

The pain was good though, a solid reminder of why you would not eat. Why you could not eat. You did not deserve such a pleasure. You doubted you could stomach anything more than crackers anyway after weeks of fasting. Rhysand was not subtle with his advances of trying to get you to try food when he visited. The smell of some of the treats he brought made you gag at times. Your stomach howled at you now though.

The knock on the door didnt surprise you. It was time for the high lord's weekly visit where you would tell him everything was fine and you didnt need anything. And he would try to get through your shields, and there would be a flash of disappointment on his face at the obsidian stone you would slam down on him. Then he would leave. And you could let the sting of that disappointment burn you alive until you were on the bed sobbing.

"Enter, your highness." You smiled to yourself slightly, knowing the title would bother him. The voice that came once the door opened made you whip around. Not Rhys. "Actually..." The spymaster. The general that had guarded your village while the other barreled through the enemy lines. "Rhys was busy. He sent me instead." He stood in the doorway, tentatively.

"Oh.." You felt your cheeks go red at the embarrassment of him seeing you like this. From the defender of your village to..what? A tired being that craved nothing more than to simply not exist anymore? "What is he doing?" You asked out of courtesy only. You were used to the high lord seeing your mess of a room, but Azriel was.. different for some reason. You walked over to the bed and kicked the sheets under the frame. Attempting to tidy up even slightly. The rest of the room was a mess of clothes and empty containers, drink cups. Nerves made your heart race.

"Nightmares?" He asked, stepping inside and closing the oak door behind him. He leaned on it, arms crossed over his chest. His simple tunic seemed to eat the light in the room, not reflecting a thing.

Your face burned. You felt your eyes sting. Clearing your throat you nodded, folding your arms over your middle. Your ribs seemed to jut out more now that he was watching you. You watched him, as his shadows snaked around his shoulders and curled around his ear. They searched the room. You sighed, going to the closet beside him -ignoring the mirror mounted there- and pulling out a folding chair. You placed it next to your own, facing out to the starry sky. You sat in the familiar padded chair, leaning on the arm rest. The half cup of cold tea next to the book tower rattled slightly on its plate as he approached. A bubble of tranquil quiet seemed to encapsulate the area. A feeling you recognized as relief flowed through your bones. You felt the tension in your body fade slightly. You breathed a bit easier, like he was taking a weight off your chest.

He sat next to you for a long while before he spoke. "I used to hate night time." His voice was level. You tore your eyes away from the most interesting spot on the floor where you were thinking of nothing to look at him.

He kept his eyes out to the balcony, a cool wind gusting through. His wings were folded in tight behind him, the shadows coiling over everything in the room. The trees below sighed at the caress of the breeze. The night seemed to finally speak as he spoke. He brought his hands together in front of him, rubbing over the scarred texture there. "I would hear absolutely everything in that basement. I could tell when night fell, even without windows. I could hear the beasts hunting outside, or my bastard father getting drunk and-" His hands clenched, and you thought you heard his teeth grind together. "He was a cruel male. To everyone, even my half brothers."

A shudder rippled through you. You wondered what he had done to Azriel, if his father was cruel to his more beloved children. They had forced him into that basement, even when they knew first hand how Illyrians craved the sky. He knew of total darkness and silence - of pain that seemed to stretch on without end. He knew loneliness, he was locked up with it for the first part of his life. His shadows circled around your ankles like a cat, like they recognized you. Your voice was little more than a whisper as you spoke. "I dont even know whats wrong with me." You were relieved your tears didnt spill over. They pricked your eyes but you blinked them away.

He was quiet, taking in the information. "I didnt either until I found out what a shadow singer is." He paused, glancing at you as you tucked your legs up under yourself. "It dosent mean anything is wrong, it just means you need help sometimes. To figure out exactly what you need." He stood from the chair and flexed his wings, the shadows collecting around him like a puddle.

He held a hand out to you, patient even while you considered. Getting out of the chair seemed like so much work with such a tired body. Tired soul, tired spirit. Anything beyond existence seemed like a complete burden. But his hand there, waiting, unwavering. Challenging. it made you sigh and finally, stiffly get out of the chair that housed you. The chair that had sucked you in, prisoned you for months.

His smile was stunning. His dark eyes seemed to light up. He led you on to the balcony and leaned over the railing. The pines far below rustled with the breeze. You swore you could hear the Sidra as well, bubbling with the current over the rocks. "How did you get out?" You asked, your eyes locking into his. He looked at you without sorrow, no fear or judgement lurked there. Just that half smile that had stayed since you stood from that chair.

"I was.. released by my father, but I still had to battle the darkness that I had learned. It wasn't until I met Rhysand and his mother that I began to... cope." He contemplated for a moment, his wings moving slightly with the wind that came through. "I'm familiar with what you're feeling. I ask that you try. I can come back again if you'd like." He left it as an open ended question, not as a demand or promise.

"Just try? You're not gonna make a checklist for me?" You mocked, he just shook his head. "I think I would like that." You answered. At least he wouldnt pester you as much as the high lord did. At least he could bring this feeling of relief to your bones. He nodded, and the shadows seemed to spike, receding from the room and joining him, wrapping around his body and melding him with the night. "I'll be back tomorrow, then." He said simply, raising himself on to the balcony railing with ease.

You nodded, wringing your hands with nerves as you watched him flare his wings, preparing to fly. "Dont let the bed eat you, Rhys wouldn't be happy if I had to break more of his furniture." He said over his shoulder with a wink. You felt a fleeting smile come to your lips as he jumped, wings catching him as he glided on the wind. You made a note to yourself to ask what other furniture he had ruined.

He disappeared quickly, the shadows and the comfy bubble of silence gone. When you closed the door to the balcony and turned back to your chair, there was a plate of crackers and fruit waiting there. Your stomach rolled at the thought. Instead, you went to the closet, putting his chair away. You made a mental note to get a different seating option for him, to accommodate the wings. Knowing he was coming back, you saved yourself the future embarrassment and began picking up your clothes, putting them into the corner bin where they disappeared. You didnt pause long enough to check to see if the clothes were reappearing clean in the closet, you just kept cleaning. Trusting the house to understand you were in fact, trying. You dared not pause, knowing if you stopped there wouldn't be a beginning again.

You went as far as requesting a mop and bucket from the Wraiths. They were wide eyes with shock at your room, at your abruptness. But they said nothing about it, just bringing you the items you requested and then some. Naula snuck in a plate of meat and cheese, leaving it next to the crackers on the end table now that there was more room with the book pile cleaned up.

You requested the extra chair. They promised it would be in the room by morning. You made your bed, and once you were satisfied with the shining floors you stood back to admire your work. It looked like a different space, clutter gone and the books organized again. You had given the cups the Cerridwen before they left, thanking them both.

You went to your chair, hesitant to sit. The wear marks on the arm rests and the seat were apparent. Instead, picked up the plate of fruit and crackers and took it to the bench at the end of the bed, picking at the more neutral fruit as you went. A spark of something bloomed in your chest at the thought of Azriel coming back. Of what his reaction would be at the clean look of your room. You dared to hope that he would notice at all. Something told you though that he would consider this trying. He made it sound so easy.

The bed welcomed you, clean sheets caressing your legs as you fell into the most peaceful sleep you had in a long while.

#acotar fic #azriel #azriel x reader #acotar insert #acotar reader insert

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yellowbluemoonshine · 2 years

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What do you think about Akito and Shiki relationship?

Good but also unhealthy. Shiki seems to really admire her mother, respects her, loves her. Same for Akito. She loves her son the point she wont mind sacrifice her life for him. She tries to separate her past from her son so that her son can be happy. She wants her son to have his own life and be happy.

Their relationship might defined as ideal mother son relationship but there are some unhealthy parts. Such as; Akito never had a chance to live her childhood, thats why she learnt everything together with her son. Its almost as they grow together as "siblings/friends", not as child-parent. Also because of everything happenned, Akito seems to deal amount of guilty to the point she starts self destructing. She is suicidal and of course watching her mother being like this traumatized her son too. For some reason, Akito (and fandom) thinks Shiki can be happy, if he just leave from here while all Shiki wants her mother to not be in pain. Because people harrass her, abuse her and she says she deserves it. And obviously calling this "payment/redemption" is bullsh.t too.

Basically, Akito unintentionally hurts her son by being "suicidal" and "self destructive" because if a mother is sad, obviously her son will be sad too. which is why her son wants to stay in Sohma place, to save her, instead of finding his own dream. Because his dream seems to become saving his mother/happiness of his mother cause well, Akito is suffering and unhappy as hell. And the fact that Shiki deciding that its his job to save his mother means he doesnt trust other people enough for it cause apperantly, they dont do anything to help Akito. Basically, its such a nice warm relationship but its also tragic one :')).

To be honest, i find it weird too cause yeah there could be another place they meet but i guess, it doesnt really matter anymore because Sohma place is changing and its not unsafe place for them anymore. And seeing Akito wouldnt change,. Like, they dont have to run away since Akito isnt chasing them. She is not their god, they can interact normally since there is no curse anymore. Having curse/god in their life was what made them want to run away, not really Akito person. Also since she changed, its fine now. Also it might be memorable place for them, idk, i guess. It was unnecessary really. They could meet in somewhere else too to avoid uncomfortable situtions. Maybe it wasnt problem for them but it was for Shiki and Akito so ://///.

I think Akito doesnt interact and talk with them while bringing her son. She puts her distance so that they wouldnt feel uncomfortable. I dont think any of zodiac members have a grudge for her. If we look at the timeline, this is at least after 20 years so i dont think they would care that much. I think most of them (maybe all of them) forgive her but it doesnt matter since Akito will not be there anyway. And of course her son would feel uncomfortable. Everyone's parents are there except his mother. Her mother is being outcast and he knows it and what is he supposed to do? Ignoring this?

And the fact that he thinks "there is a side he should be" its such a big burden for child to bear. Though, if i was in his place, i would choose my mother : )). Its such a weird sitution. I dont know why Akito thought her son should/can be friends with zodiac's children. She probably didnt want her son to be not part of the group cause of her but i think its still so unnecessary. That there is still some group exist. And her thinking that everyone should be part of it except her. I wonder she secretly wished to be part of that group (like, still wishing) but she knows she cant so she wants at least her son to be cause she thinks thats how she can make her son happy, maybe...ooof.

I think it doesnt including her but the fact that he says this is another proof of he never seems to look at his wrong actions. And seeing a person you love as something you obtained, giving up everything (your job etc) to beside with them is not love. Its a classic toxic relationship. Its an obsession. This is NOT love.

I actually talked about this before in this analysis. Yes, Kureno is passive enabler and people pleasure and he chose to ignore things so yeah he is also responsible for the abuse but he is not the only enabler in zodiac. Hatori is also passive enabler (though cause of curse, Hatori didnt much have another choice) and Sh.gure is even worse cause he is active enabler means someone who intentionally provokes other person to be destructive. I found the "you should have left Akito" advice very stupid cause that would make things worse.

Actually, there wasnt much thing Kureno could do in that sitution. Kureno's biggest problem was he decided that he is the one who should be her savour when there was nothing he could do at that age and alone. If only he get some help from someone else/done adult figüre like Kazuma, things would change a lot. At the end, Kureno says "this place is no good for you, lets change, Akito", i am not sure what he was planning to do. If he tried to help Akito earlier as taking her to somewhere else or getting some help from another adult, then yes, Akito would change earlier.

But its no surprise Akito didnt believe in him and said "all you do is talking" because Kureno keeps waiting Akito to decide when Akito has no idea what to do. She desperately needs someone authority figüre who will out some rules, dicipline, someone who can say "no" to her. Not just constantly asking "what should we do?". Especially, Akito knows that Kureno doesnt actisllywant to be with her, forcing himself.

What is Akito supposed to do? She knows Kureno doesnt want to stay but she cant say "leave" cause then she will be lonely. She cant say "lets leave from here" cause her father's legacy is here and she is terrified of outside. This is why in tension moment she stabs Kureno and says that "you are killing me with your Pity". Imagine, you are completely alone and desperate for any human affection. Only person who stays with you stays not because they want to but because you need it...

Yes, it was toxic for Kureno too but he chose this while it was such a torture for Akito. This is why the one who reach out to Akito wasnt older zodiac's pity, sense of responsibility or obsession, it was empathy. Just someone choosing to be friends with her.

Hmmm. I mean i always saw zodiac-god relationship as some kind of weird family meeting and they all basically grow together so its hard to not miss them. I think if she ever had a outside life friends love, even she had those things, sometimes she could still miss them time to time. There wasnt much good memories and she feels guilty a lot but its eventually something she needs to move on so :')).

This is why Fruits Basket's ending is sucks. So many things arent adessed, unnecessary drama and pain, even though they should have been happy already. Akito deserves better.

#anon ask #sohma kureno sh*gure and blah blah #fruits basket ending shiki another or whatever #sohma akito deserves better #toxic relationship #writing criticism #akito x happiness

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blackmommingdaily · 3 years

Text

Can I share my story? This is a long post & im hoping my story will inspire someone.,

Tonight God led me to post my story. I don’t know why but here it goes.

Growing up:

Growing up I didn’t come from a stable home. My mom is OCD Paranoid Schizophrenic & my father is an alcoholic. You can imagine how their relationship went.

They divorced when I was two due to my dads abuse & controlling ways. (For example: he locked my mom on the property with a barb wire fence. Because he believed she was cheating with the father of her first child who’s deceased).

I moved around from family members homes after my dad threw my mother and I out in the rain when I was barely a toddler.

CPS:

Fast forward I was taken from my mom in elementary school because she was bathing me in bleach 😭😢. Destroying my school property, paranoid that my deceased sister had been kidnapped. ALLOT!!! My dad gained custody of me through DCFS & life grew worse.

The step mom:

He cheated on my mom with a woman who later he deemed as my step mother. He forced this woman to accept me even though she wanted nothing to do with another child.

Emotionally as a kid I knew I didn’t belong in her house or her life. I struggled allot especially knowing this woman HATED ME. I remember her forcing me to pick up microscopic pieces of paper out of the carpet on my hands and knees, even though she owned a vacuum. Not allowed to open the fridge, cupboards, deep freezer or pantry. I wasn’t allowed in her room or her daughters room. If I sat on the floor I couldn’t sit on the sofa. If I was thirsty, I had to ask someone to give me a cup to drink warm faucet water because I wasn’t allowed to get ice.

If I told my dad he’d tell her & she’d confront me calling me liar making my punishment worse for speaking up. I remember I’d write notes to her saying “Thank you for letting me stay here.” In hopes that she’d be “nicer” to me.

I didn’t have a bed. For 4years I slept on a Futon in her spare room, the lining I was given was raggedy & every morning I’d have to put all of my bedding in a trash bag next to the sofa.

I’d beg my granny to please let me stay at her house. I’d cry my eyes out every Sunday night because I knew that woman did not want me there.

My Granny ❤️:

Fast forward my dad pulled a shot gun on her daughter & she threw us out. 🙏🏽 (Nobody but God) I remember God answering my prayers that I’d live with my grandma ❤️

After being unloved for so long my granny was the best mom & dad. Entering middle school I was considered the weird bum kid. 😢 or whatever.

I remember my granny made me sleep in the bed with her until I was in the 6th grade. When I finally got a room she made sure I locked my door every night. 🧐🧐 I never understood why. I remember things like my dad being upset because I wouldn’t sit in his lap. The one time I did I felt something hard & jumped up😞. He blew a vein because I refused to let him rub vicks on my chest when I was “developing” & remember my granny bringing me in her room & locking the door.

Running away from home:

At 15 almost 16 my granny went into the nursing home. I was pulled from regular school (beginning of 7th grade) & had to be homeschooled to take care of her. But in reality my dad could’ve cared LESS about me learning. I wiped, cleaning, bathe, fed my nanny like her own children should’ve been doing.

I graduated from high school early because I forged my dad’s signature to enroll in online public school & got a family friend to pretend to be him on the phone 🤷🏽‍♀️ God forgive me because I wasn’t about to stay in that house with roaches 🪳 his dirt & filth (I won’t go into details but he was a drunk that couldn’t hold his bodily functions at all!!) when my granny was sent to the nursing home I lied and claimed my mom had a illness & I needed to see her. (He would lock me inside of the house with master locks & would leave me without food or clean water).

When I ran away to live with my mom I weighed 92pounds 😞😢

Moving with my mom:

At 16, I moved in with a combative schizophrenic, started trade school, found a job as a receptionist at a pediatrist office. ❤️ I was okay with my mom fighting me & cursing at me, because I knew she was truly sick 😞 I felt responsible for my parents being the way they were.

I blamed myself and carried that burden because I thought that would FIX my parents or make them “love” me. I cried SO MANY nights because I was convinced I was the problem. If I didn’t exist as a child everyone would’ve been better off.

Now I’m almost 23, married with a child and it took time and therapy for me to realize IT WASNT MY FAULT. Your child hood was NOT YOUR FAULT. Your parents being dysfunctional isn’t your burden to bear. Let go and let God. I wanted to prove to everything I wasn’t crazy & I wasn’t going to be like my dad.

I didn’t owe anyone anything. I didn’t owe my dad an apology for being born, escaping & disconnecting myself from toxic behavior. I wasn’t wrong to grieve our relationship and accept that I wasn’t in his eyes good enough. It’s been years since I’ve spoken to him one because I physically fear him & two because I OWE HIM NOTHING! I wish nothing for him. I only ask that God bring me peace daily.

My message to you is you’re growth isn’t measured in what you’ve obtained. You’re not your parents & you owe them nothing. You don’t deserve to be abused because “they are your parents”. No title should keep you from fully loving yourself & saying enough is enough. God said to respect & love. Not that you must continue a relationship that only brings you harm. Your body is a temple & so is your mind. Anything that disturbs your peace, GET RID OF IT, TOSS IT OUT, PRAY & Let God handle it!!

#abuse #blackmoms #self love #mental health #trauma #childhood #healing #trustyourself #letting go #inner peace #painful

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houseki-no-suffering · 5 years

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honestly in pad's perspective, them being in a coma didnt make rutile happy and them being healthy still didnt make rutile happy so it's like fuck you. try fixing me then, here's a piece of something that fixed me, see if you can replicate it if youre so stubborn about it. meanwhile, im gonna pay back the gem that actually helped me by giving myself to them cause you clearly only care about being able to fix me and not my recovering itself

after trying to answer this concisely, I found out that i had a lot of thoughts.

So have a meta about Padparadscha’s wish for death, Rutile’s insecurities and why Padpa came back to Rutile.

to latch onto your ask, the only time padpa speaks about making rutile happy is when we first see them.

they just woke up from a centuries long sleep and rather than spend time with rutile, they go for a walk with phos, the ‘youngest little squirt’ who always tagged along sensei. the little jewel Padpa probably didnt have that close a relationship with, compared to other gems they have known for a longer time.

during this conversation, we quickly realize how similar these two characters are. Both of them need constant replacements: phos breaks all the time and the seventh treasure theory pushes them (unbeknownst to them) to lose and acquire new parts of their body. This is similar to padpa’s condition, with the difference that padpa’s has a much harder time accepting new pieces.

it’s ironic. phos could live the same life padpa does if their body wasnt so accepting of replacements (and we get a glimpse of it when they acquire lapis’ head and during the 220 years time skip). Padpa could live the same life as phos as well if their body wasnt as picky. Add pain, loss, the weight of a meaningless but timeless existence, of war, of crushing self-hate and helplessness.

You can see that padpa and phos are aware of the similarities they share. So padpa moves it one step forward.

Padparadscha says they want rutile to give up on assembling them because they dont want to be a burden. For this we can assume two things:

1) like most of the old gems (and some of the young ones too), padpa has lost any interest in living.

they arent alive for their own sake or because there is something they want to do or prove or see. Even after they go to the moon, they say they will sacrifice their whole being in seeing that phos’ mission is successful. They want to help phos and maybe they have new faith in change thanks to phos’ revolution but, ultimately, they still end up sacrificing themselves.

Padpa never stopped considering their life like a chip they could bargain, they never stopped thinking about death.

2) Padpa doesn’t hate Rutile and they are living for Rutile’s sake out of kindness and resignation. perfectly aware of Rutile’s obsession with fixing them.

To be “discreet and composed” is possibly the most recurring advice in HnK: be prudent, think before you act, have patience, wait, consider everyone else’s feelings, dont rush. Ultimately, this is just a cute wrapping for what these pieces of advice really mean: let it all go.

Padpa let it go when they decided not to confront Rutile and they always stayed true to their resolution. They’re fond of Phos and fascinated by Phos’ ability not to let go, the one that made them an outcast, but even while helping them Padpa is still nonchalantly putting their life on the line.

Padpa let it go. They dont speak with Rutile during the night raid. they dont think that communication will solve their problems. And the same is happening now.

Padpa’s face when they salute Rutile and give them a piece of their gem is like that of a mother who sees their lost child. If the child just doesnt understand, what good is to speak about things?

They’re resigned, there’s tenderness in padpa’s eyes. It’s like they’re telling Rutile: “here, i’m back, sorry for the trouble. i did the thing i was meant to do. I’ll give you this piece so you can say you fixed me, like back then. It will be like old days: I’ll live for your sake again.”

This is directly connected to Yellow’s line in chapter 70, the one that sums up Rutile and Padpa’s relationship perfectly: “Padparadscha woke up! Isn’t that what you wanted?”

It isn’t.

What Rutile wanted was to have absolute authority over their craft. If anyone can fix padpa, what’s Rutile’s skills good for? If they are disposable in a society where your worth and your value depend on how essential you are for the survival of the species, what good is Rutile?

It is ironic and profoundly sad and it shows you just how messed up the lustrous society is.

I can think of few gems who are as un-disposable as Rutile. Euclase maybe, because they have a good grasp of the defects of their society and made themselves irreplaceable, Sensei, Bort… But Rutile is the only doctor, an excellent doctor. They truly are useful and their craft is praised and acknowledged as indispensable. And yet they too are disposable, because anyone can do their job if they train hard enough. Sensei can do their job better than Rutile.

So Rutile decided to embark on an impossible mission. They would fix Padpa. If they could succeed where everyone else had failed, where sensei had failed, they would be irreplaceable. They would be unique, needed, useful, worthy.

Rutile is the umpteenth victim of the system.

They didn’t tie their destiny and their self worth to a lost cause because they’re a psychopath. They’re just profoundly insecure, because insecurity is the only ground upon which a society and a community that refuses to mature emotionally and that teaches apathy can be built.

This is not to say that Rutile doesnt care at all about Padpa. Rutile is probably unaware of the true meaning of their actions, but if you read between the lines you get a glimpse of the truth. For Rutile, it didnt really count whether Padparadscha woke up or not, what counted was that no one else but Rutile had a chance to wake them up. As long as the gems agreed that Rutile was the most suited for this task and could progress further than anyone else could, it was enough.

This is where Phos was wrong. Taking padparadscha away didnt make things easier for Rutile, it took away from them their very mission, their self-worth, their guarantee that they were important and needed and worthy of existing in the lustrous society.

This is why Rutile isnt devastated when Padpa falls unconscious after talking with Phos. This is why rutile tries to take Padpa’s replacements away during the night raid, this is why the say that they want to make Padpa worth something again “by my own hand” in chapter 62.

This is why Padpa comes back to Rutile.

The problem is not whether Padpa can make Rutile happy or whether Padpa wants to upset Rutile and show them that Phos is the one that helped them in the end. Because yeah, Phos did, but Padpa wasnt looking for help. This is the umpteenth problem Phos couldnt fix: Padpa had let go.

Padparadscha is a keen observer. They are smart. They have been living for Rutile’s sake for hundreds of years, perfectly aware that they were not a person but a project, a puzzle that cannot be solved. By fixing padparadscha, Phos and the moon people have thrown away Rutile’s reason d’etre, they have stepped on their self-worth and destroyed their sense of security and confidence in their skills. They have taken away Rutile’s place in the world. Rutile cannot forgive them.

Padpa knows, and that’s why, I believe, they never stopped thinking that they had to come back to Rutile. They have let it all go, with cold, simple rationality. They did what they could to help Phos, now they come back home. It doesnt matter if Rutile will decide to cure Padparadscha or not now, what counts is that, with that piece in their hands, Padpa has given back to Rutile power of life and death over them, purpose, meaning.

“Here,” they tell a mad Rutile, tossing their heart into the air for them to catch, “I’m yours to fix as you please.”

#houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #hnk spoilers #padparadscha #rutile #meta #best #anonymous #edit: sorry i forgot to put the cut

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fipindustries · 4 years

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The ludomancer

So you heard of parahumans fans using their own lives to come up with triggers and create their own fan capes? well, that is more than well trodden ground so i figured lets take it an extra notch and figure out my own fan practitioner, my own fanctitioner! (disclaimer: many of of the personal details here were either exagerated or fabricated for dramatic effect)

backstory

i had open heart surgery when i was 6 months old, and if niccolette belanger is anything to go by, having big openings in your flesh at a very young age is free real state for persky spirits. Just imagine this giant entrance direct to my chest, leaving my heart ridden with holes and openly exposed.

Now this was in a very modern hospital in and incredibly sterile enviroment so is not like there were a lot of grisly phantasmagoric spirits crawling all over the place, you i was covered head to toe in technology, multiple wires and tubes and god knows what else all poking out of my chest, back in those days i was more machine than human. So with that in mind i like the idea that perhaps some fairly young spirits of electricity, technology, science and artificousness got inside me.

nothing too wild and powerful considering these things were all relatively recent by the standards of the practisce, but enough to have an influence. The general result is that i would be naturally inclined towards STEM fields, mad scientists, math and engeneering as a kid. I would constantly find myself getting involved into these enviroments (even when i didnt want to) such as going to a course in robotics, going to a high school soecialized in mechanics, studing computer science in college, etc.

my life would go on more or less like normal, the spirits slowly growing inside of me but always kept in check by my own essense and sense of self. Until...

Awareness

i changed careers and went to live at a college dorm in the middle of nowhere, five kilometers away from the nearest city, a small oasis of technology in the desert and the central hub for the Wi Fi of my state. As the years went by i became more and more isolated, my Conections grew weaker, my own sense of self got thinner and thinner (exacerbated by me finally questioning my gender identity). my prescence on the world was almost non existant, spending most of my time in my dorm in my computer not interacting with anyone, browsing ever incresingly more niche or obscure websites.

in this oasis of technology in the middle of nowhere, with my personal conections and sense of identity growing weaker, the spirits within me started to grow stronger and stronger, starting to screw with my very perception of reality, pushing things so that i would start to go down weird rabbit holes online, reading strange texts in impossibly formatted websites that would introduce strange ideas about the nature of reality, some times even downright attempting to posses me (i would try to rationalize these episodes where i would experience derealization as just panic attacts).

The spirits of technology would introduce me to forbidden ideas online, dangerous memetic cognitohazards, basiliks that would force me to perform obscure rituals to summon demonic entities from lost planes of reality, not aligned with human values. They would try and convince me that reality was a simulation and coax me to pierce the veil and see the true subyacent reality, that subatomic particles were capable of experiencing suffering, that i could be tortured for eternity if enough people were kept from getting dust specks in their eyes. If things had gone like that for much longer i would have probably ended up summoning or becoming an Ex Machina and probably an entire wing of the college campus would have been condemned.

Luckly in my college there just hapened to be a young dabbler who got wind of my situation. They took notice of me and were kind enough to put me in touch with an online community of witch hunters who specialized in cases like mine (the dabbler didnt take care of it themselves because they didnt want to accidentally reveal to me more than strictly necessary about the magic world, the group of witch hunters had a lot more experience solving this problems without the karmic burden of awakening someone)

The witch hunters were a fairly niche group within the larger community of witch hunters. They specialized in bayesian techniques. Using the tools of rationality to dispell illutions, glamours, mind tricks and half truths. They established firm rules for thinking and percieving the world so that Others wouldnt be able to decieve or manipulate them. Calling bullshit on the impossible. Their organization, the Magical Interference Restriction Institute, coordinated the efforts to develop safe protocols for the practisce in the digital age.

They exorcised most of it, gave me a few basic mental tools and rituals to keep the spirits in check and recommended me to try and forget about the whole affair. But fat chance about that, by this point my eyes had been opened.

The awakening

When i finished college and moved to a different city i did everything in my power to enter in contact with the practitioner world again. Walking around the city, reading craiglist adds, looking into different organizations. Of course i wasnt acting blindly, i was guided by some of the things that i had picked up during my posessions, the things the spirits had revealed to me, the forbidden texts that i had read and some of the advice the witch hunters gave me.

Eventually i managed to follow conections and came across a small cabal of practitioners who put the front of a board game club to recruit people and have a place to reunite while looking legitimate and not arising suspicion from the mundanes. The way the club would work was that on the front it was a normal place to play things like Catan, Carcassone, king of tokyo, etc. But on the back room they would “play test” new “games” between the senior members of the club. when in reality they would workshop new rituals to perform.

They would focus on a fairly recent branch of magic caled Ludomancy. Focused on the idea that any boardgame is in the end a ritual. it would be this communal activity with rules and mechanics, supported by the illution and the beliefs of the players who would manipulate symbols and idols across intricate diagrams.

they saw my experience with rules, logic and technology applied to magic and saw enough potential in me that they allowed me to join. Their awakening ritual is a bit different than most since they customized it based on their findings and experiences with rituals. Instead os sitting in a circle the circle is inscribed in a board. The piece that you use to move through the board has to be carved by you and has to be composed of elements that represent you and that are meaningful to you and it has to hold within a couple of drops of your blood.

You throw the dice and move across the board and depending on what places you fall in on of the cards will be drawn from the multiple decks. These cards will either give you challenges to overcome to prove yourself, make declarations and impositions on the kind of practitioner you will be once you awaken or just be criptic messages and riddles that wont be relevant or mean anything to you until many years down the line. You have to overcome the challenges, answer the questions posed by the cards and most of all, play the rules cleverly so that you can make your piece reach the center of the board and scream jumanji to complete the ritual. Now the rules of every awakening playthrough change and they can be incredibly intricate and complex, it can take a lot of cleverness of a lot of luck to finish this ritual but once you do you find yourself in a much firmer and powerful grounding than most begginers do.

the practice

i would probably focus on shamanism, collecting spirits here and there, slow and steady accumulation of a power base. i would like to get into constructs, acumulating spirits, helping them grow, give them a bit of my own power to help the process along, like sacrificing one drop of blood every week, or establishing small rituals of worship, and then mix and mashing them together to build more complex spirits, also i would probably offer small favors to the local practitioners in exchange of tibdits, trinkets and sources of power, always keeping it low profile and not too ambitious, something like helping with a ritual here and there, being a pair of extra hands, mostly giving help establishing magic circles and drawing diagrams, running small errands, sending messages. it would help let other people know that im not too much of a concern and hopefully they would let me be

if you need help or want to make an exchange with me you could come to my house and i would offer to play a game (usually one i made up) and in the process of playing the game i would perform the magic that you need or arrange the cosmological and quintessential pieces inside and outside of you according to your request.

My implement would be a set of D&D dices that i can use to make a bit of augury, affect probabilities, dictate outcomes and, in times of need, cheat at my games a bit. the rest of my equipment would be booklets and notebooks filled with my own designs, rulesets and texbooks, lots and of graph paper and one actual RPG supplement that i would use to bluff some of the more out of date Others by claiming that i have tomes filled with arcane spells and a full compendium of magicl creatures.

eventually i would try to diversify, focusing more on crafting and building, going more for the angle of the toy maker rather than game designer. I would build complex structures in papercraft, small mechanisms with cardboard, intricate contraptions with some clockwork and some springs.

i probably wouldnt get a familiar, i just dont see my self commiting to a life long companion. i would desperatly try to establish a demesne but that would also be rather complicated since i dont see my self owning property any time soon either.

#pale #pact #parahumans #wildbow #fan art #fan fic

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dondonblubstudio · 3 years

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A nonsensical mess of how I have been feeling lately

Idk why I am posting this here on tumblr, I guess its because I dont have any friends who go like use tumblr and in all honesty

I dont have any friends lol so I might as well blog more often.

What an awful time I have been having in life lately.

So, I will tell my none existent blubs.

i am 25 I have accomplished literally nothing except basically fucking up my own life. I should’ve been a bit further then this. Unlike most people I have few excuses' on why I am in the current circumstances in my life. Accept for the fact that I am just very very stupid. And therefore have the tendency to make stupid decisions.

If one were to give someone like me two paths, and clearly one path which would be the right path would lead to a wonderful realm of joy, success and like wealth.

And the left path clearly I can see dragons on the horizon, it reeks of blood and rot.

I would likely go down the left path because, it looks cool, and I would be sure I would be fine.

____

The sheer level of my stupidity, honestly is fascinating from an outsiders perspective. Thats why I am sure people who have bullied me or currently think poorly of me are often provided with absolute entertainment.

Tbh I am just honestly tired. I am so tired of hating myself. and I desperately wish for just a short period of time I can simply like myself.

Tbh I wish I had friends again and I can see people again. And I dont think anytime soon that will happen. Its difficult cuz I have literally noone to talk to about my horible distress. And instead I am constantly grabing my feelings and depression and self doubt and throwing it into a basically already filled pit in my mind.

I dont really know what to do anymore, except continue working harder and harder, and moving further forward, with the meer hope that a year or a couple years from now, I could have accomplished enough to feel satisfied.

In a way I know its all just perspective, I am perceiving myself as a failure, and also its laziness. I am to lazy, I could do more I really could I just need to get out of this lazy mindset.

Its sad but the only satisfaction in joy I get is by the idea of staying busy and working hard. I hope to work so hard, not for any aspect of success. But so I get sick or it completely destroys and exhausts me.

___________________________

Its sad in my adulthood all my friends are gone, I basically only have one. I am not pretty or happy anymore.

I just have hit a situation. A metaphorical rock in the road and shattered to peices. And became a fragment of what I once was. But as I rebuild myself maybe it is a good thing, because I wasnt anything special in particular, maybe by constantly rebuilding, I can become special.

At this point everything I am saying is probably becoming gibberish.

But hopefully on my tumblr I can become more honest with myself at least, since I cannot be honest with anyone else, I have to be a grinning jester. And just stay happy and put together and well.

Because thats the nature of adulthood and even motherhood, is to be put together no matter what as to not burden others with things as trivial and silly as having feelings.

But I often wish I could be human, and have nervous breakdowns like other human, or cry, but I cannot. I have to be strong. Even though I am glass and broken glass, at that. I have to be strong broken glass.

____________

I was watching a youtube video about DARK SOULS and theres a character in it based from the OV Angels Egg.

I dont really no much about either but from whatI gather.

Dark Souls a woman of godly illusion of a female character, is asleep and holding a massive broken egg against her bussom the egg is broken. But shes asleep. When the main character wakes her sheopens her eyes sees the broken empty egg and it turns to dust and she I presume dies.

In the story Angels Egg, it is also similiar, a young cute girl is running around with an egg she found in a post apocalyptic world, she meets a traveler who ponders why she carries the egg. The girl says she thinks there is a bird inside. She cares deeply about the egg. Later on in the story the traveler I think does break this egg.

In both stories this egg, represents illusion, hope and religion. Its isnt whats inside the egg, whether with the goddess asleep holding it dearly or the little girl carrying it around. Its rather the illusion of hope that keeps people going and keeps pushing us forward. Whether the traveler of Angels Egg, Or the main character of Demon Souls. It takes a character to break this illusion, that then destroys the goddess, or little girl.

My egg(illusion) is the belief in a better life. I am not even sure what a better livelihood would mean to me. I guess something stereotypical, where I have friends and hobbies and can afford a decent lifestyle for my daughter. A plausible world where I can no longer dislike myself.

This is an illusion because in reality I have depression, that I leave untreated, because I have anxiety and a sickly sweet personality that people find annoying or bizarre.

But I still hold onto this egg. I still will continue striving and failing and striving and failing. Maybe this is something that I can be proud of myself. Is because no matter how many times I fail, and my mental health deteriorates, I can not stop working hard. Even if I wanted to I am incapable of stopping.

I have to truck forward, I am just really tired. And lonely. Because every step forward I do make, my failures blow me 10 steps back

So yea that was my feelings.

I just wanted to talk about it. There not important so.. yea thanks for reading.

__________________________

If anyone wants you can follow my instagram: @dondonblub

#lonely #journal #depression #diary #anime #sad #black

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koyurim · 4 years

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its okay to not be okay 15-16 (fin)

the payoff of a tightly-woven, effective story is the happy ending feels so earned and emotional. even though we’re saying goodbye to our trio, i know that they’re going to be staying in my heart for a very long time.

cw: blood, choking, attempted murder

in these last two episodes we get a bunch of satisfying reversals!!!!!!!!! now that moon-young is trying to create distance between her and the moon brothers, the moon brothers are the one who stubbornly stick to her side. typically, i despise the ‘we must separate bc you wont ever be happy with me’ plot device that typically appears at the tail end of a drama, but this felt really in line with moon-young’s growth and ability to understand herself. in the beginning, moon-young does whatever she wants without regard to how she imposes herself on others, however, with her mother’s reappearance, she really pulls back because she now sees that she can cause harm AND she cares about kang-tae/sang-tae and DOESNT want to harm them anymore!!!!! so this withdrawal didn’t feel pointless/just there to create drama.

however, as kang-tae learns from director o, just because we harm and are harmed, doesn’t mean we can live alone (humans are social creatures). human relationships are messy and hard and acknowledging that your relationship wont be perfect, but that doesn’t mean you’re not willing to put in the work to be messy together!!!!!! kang-tae winds up saying many of moon-young’s former lines to her, and in this way, she sees that her impact on him is not just a negative one. his confession was a hilarious and powerful moment where we see how much he’s learned to lean into his emotions and how much restraint shes grown herself. she’s helped him grow so much and he’s willing to fight for them to be together even though it may be a hard path to overcome the reality of what happened with their mothers.

moon-young also gets love from everyone around her, from sang-tae, juri and her mom, and jae-su. and this community helps her understand that the warmth we show each other keeps us going and keeps us grounded. and she decides to accept the love they give her into her life. from accepting this love and learning that she has the capacity to love, i think moon-young’s reached a point in her journey where she no longer has to write fairy tales to communicate with the world. and im SO PROUD of her.

and through this, we at last, we get our HAPPY ending!! but this ending is not theirs, it’s only their beginning. as juri’s mom says, they all have a lot of learning and growing left to do, but they’re now in the position where they can actively pursue that instead of just coping!!! kang-tae can learn to nurture himself and pursue what he wants in his future studies. sang-tae is learning to be independent and grow up apart from his brother. these brothers finally have developed a secure enough attachment, where the show can end with them parting ways for the first time in their lives. and moon-young gets to have the family that she didnt grow up with and live with the care of those around her/that exists within herself. they still fight and bicker, but they also get a chance to BREATHE now that theyve formed healthy boundaries. their camping trip feels like a reset before they face the world again on their own terms, to find their own happiness.

our side characters also get the conclusions they deserve!!!!! particularly JAE-SU!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so happy he got the recognition for being such an amazing friend to kang-tae all these years. when kang-tae finally called him hyung, we see how much kang-tae’s grown to understand having a big brother is not a curse/burden. and he finally is at a place where he can accept all the love that jae-su gives him. jae-su also gets a great moment with sang-tae where sang-tae decides to quit. we see that jae-su has also been relying on the moon brothers for company and friendship, but now they’re all at a place where they can healthily pursue their own paths while still holding each other in their lives. im excited for jae-su to make his own life!!!

juri’s mom also gets the appreciation she deserves from the moon brothers, as their ‘fake real mom’. she’s truly the BEST mom in the world! she doesnt try to control any of the characters and just speaks truthfully to them, encouraging them to grow while looking out for them!!!! ugh! juri’s a lucky daughter.

juri and sang-in’s ending was also cute enough for me, but not too much! i think their relationship will be slow going and im glad that nothing was rushed. the decision to stay in the countryside was also nice, i love that we dont have to ‘go back to the city’ to resume/have lives that are worth living.

we also get to see how much the patients have grown on their journey. there’s still lots of healing to be had for each of them, but they’ve grown so much. it was heartwarming to see old patients come back and smile with each other, they’ve all formed a really supportive community. and (again) im so proud.

overall, this finale felt so well earned. the growth didn’t come out of no where and the emotions were all so raw and human. i still didn’t believe that nurse park was moon-young’s mom, but i dont think the point is how believable that part is, rather the focus and point is the emotions that moon-young goes through when she faces her mother who’s haunted her for so long. even though, i wasnt convinced by how moon-young’s mom became nurse park, i was glad the show didnt focus on those logistics, because, truthfully, they are irrelevant to our character’s growth and journey. i keep saying this over and over again, but i am in love with the emotional journey and growth that this show took us on. the story was so well planned and written and i think there were very few missteps in the drama. im so sad to part ways with the troublesome trio, but i know they’re going to be starting journeys to find their own paths and they’ll all have each other along the way.

additionally, when it comes to moon-young and kang-tae’s relationship, i really appreciated the frankness that the show approached sex and intimacy. it wasn’t some taboo subject, but it wasn’t overhyped/things weren’t needlessly sexualized. also once, moon-young and kang-tae settle, touch is effortless/not made into such a big deal and their comfortability with each other was a fantastic touch. i can continue to see them growing with each other, calling each other out on the other’s bullshit, loving and supporting one another, and finding new adventures each day together.

thank you to moon-young, kang-tae, sang-tae, and the rest of the cast and crew for your vulnerability in bringing us along with you on your journey. i wish you all the best!!

#kdrama #Its okay to not be okay #psycho but its okay #im so emo #with this MY becomes my new icon #shell prob be here to stay for a long time

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pokefanbri · 3 years

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I still have all our convos thru text & messanger, i didnt even realize til now or even existence of the still there photo we took together on our 1st date lookin like 2 hot messes lol. Ive done the math correctly this time lol & actually looking at the calendar its another stab to the chest...3 and a half months under the same roof, but almost 6 months together in full...im telling u, it wasn't enough time 😔😭 makes me wanna slit my own throat.😫What the actual fuck!!!🤢🤮

he said this to me earlier this yr 20 days after I moved in.

"To answer your post on Facebook Some change is not bad leaving your comfort zone to better your self is not change it's the right thing to do for your body your mind controls. I've left my comfort zone behind and making changes that impact all around me if you can't see the work I'm putting to make you a better person that your missing the point why we are together to better each other I won't stop trying to make you a better person because I feel some type of way I don't feel about anyone else"

Isn't that what we do everyday, to be better versions of ourselves. We most definitely have changed for the better over time this yr, small amounts at a time...u cannot rush these things or force change onto another.. Though it starts with you for your own betterment, You can't make someone else change or be better if they're a bit stubborn to change little things that may be upsetting, but you can surely help them through it. One has to step into the shoes of the other & realize something isn't right...but how do u help or approach someone struggling with a problem..& bring them out of the darkness, being there for them, a simple hug or cuddle, compromises, a safe space to talk things out...taking action to help them heal is all thats needed. As I reflect on everything we've said to eachother.. I know he cares about me or loves me too at the very least..even if he can't bring himself to ever admit, I know its within and has been apparent many times. He may think he's not good enough for me, or I for him due to my own issues...but everyone has them, it doesn't mean your weak. If one is in a state of weakness the other is there to help them up & assure them that their stronger than they give themselves credit for. And the purpose of going through things good or bad together, learning what to do & what not to do..its all a normal part of the experience..it brings you personal growth & even bring u closer as you go, work out your issuse & become stronger together. When u love someone, u love them with all their scars & wounds, broken or damaged..& would do anything to bring them comfort & pick them up when they're down. This is how I feel toward him. Though I wasnt given alot of support myself, being next to him & holding his hand was all the support I needed most the time, he was my rock as much as I was for him. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to notice he had any of his own..though he hid them well so I had no clue. If u want to be better do it for yourself & it would reflect on those around you. And when you're with someone, you do it together with strength & determination to see it though til u make it through. Im strong without him but still so weak without my rock to guide me. With him I was free but still stuck in my own poisonous prison, it wasn't meant to be his burden too, & his onto mine respectfully. He was stuck within his own walls just as much. We both didn't know how to come out of our individual depressed stinks, incapable of giving we needed, we weren't equipped with the right tools necessary to lift eachother & lost sight of what was important..we quit bettering ourselves & got worse..stuck under 1 roof without much to do..our own personal cell....and not doing anything to help the other, we didn't know how. If I knew then what I know now, it wouldn't have been that way 100%. After a few months there was less trust & eventually we both got scared of what we thought of the other til it got under our skin & I could sense him pulling away. All we needed was to be heard, cared for...and genuinely loved. We were the best of friends the whole way through nevertheless, but we lost eachother in the end, heartbreak hotel ever since. My heart has been putting back the pieces but still burns for his 2,000 miles away. I feel we didn't experience a whole lot..& the story was & still is far from over. I cant help but feel this way, I just can't stop it...its not easy at all to let go of him when he's the missing piece. Its so fucking hard when ur heart is tethered to someone elses. And it hurts so much that I wanna die. But I cant give up, cause if I did he may too. Im lost without him. But even if he's not here beside me, even if I need his warm embrace to tell me im safe from the storm, ill continue to better myself..for my own growth, & for him. I promise this

We lost the battle, but we didn't lose the war. Keep fighting my King of darkness with all your heart & your Queen of light will do the same. I hope to God one day we find eachother on the front lines when the dust settles

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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Do you like Chanel purses? no

When was the last time you had Pepsi? ages ago

Do you know anyone with exaggeratedly big muscles? not personally

What is your favorite endangered animall? elephant

Can you name someone with the same last name as you? my parents

Who was the last person to scream your name? ...

By the way, that wasnt meant to be perverted. too late I have no idea why I thought about that - no one ever screamed my name this way and nobody ever will :x

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? it seems Name something that you are doing tonight. nothing and I realized that I don’t want to go to sleep more than ever before, I just don’t want to wake up tomorrow and yet I’m scared of dying (suffering)

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? nah

Would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now? too young for me Are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions? words I guess Do you have an easy time falling asleep? I wish Are you a crier? crybaby Do you like to wear makeup? no Do you have a high tolerance for people? pfft Do you like your bed? why not How many times have you been to the ER? few

Are you wearing shorts? basically never

Do you eat randomly, just whenever the hell you want? ...

Did you have trouble getting up this morning? yeah What’s a few things that automatically make you go, “Awww”? cute little dogs Do you have soft hands? Do you like holding hands? do I? I like to hold hands tho What’s your opinion on perfumes that are REALLY expensive? dumb, I hate perfume but expensive - that is ridiculous! Have you ever really hated a teacher and practically made it clear you did? Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? I’m just a cautious person in general If you could live next door to ANYONE, who would you want to live beside? love of my life, I mean - we can live together but for now it would be cool if we were neighbors at least, you know what I mean? Do you think your friends are pretty? Do your friends think your pretty? what friends... Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? maybe mom about that one particular thing that starts on S and ends with X

What is your opinion on air pollution? less cars!

Were you forced to read ‘The Odyssey’ in high school? from what I remember

Who was the last person to come visit you? M.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? recently

Do you own any superhero shirts? nope

What is your opinion on the “Team Edward/Team Jacob” shirts? I dislike Twilight

If you had to teach a class, what would you teach? if I really had to then art

How did your parents meet each other? personal

What profession do you think is the most under-appreciated? garbage collectors, those who clean the streets or hospitals, postmen etc.

Have you ever drawn on someone while they were sleeping? don’t do that

Does time really heal all wounds? Or is that just a trivial saying? trivial saying

Where is your favorite place to take a nap? I don’t do naps but my bed

Would you rather lose all your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? not be able to make new

Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I don’t drive

What’s a tradition you hope never dies out? it’s a secret

Do you have any exes you’d consider dating again? I’m dating my ex

Have you ever went a year without getting your hair cut? yes Do you think you could go a week without sugar? without sweets? I already do, I don’t even drink tea with sugar Would you be willing to go one day each week without meat? absolutely Do you feel comfortable telling people how much you weigh? whatever Are you any good at sewing? I know basics Have you looked at any old photos of yourself lately? this year Do you carry a calculator around with you everywhere? I don’t need it that often Do you like to plan things out or just go with the flow? plan but not strictly

Do you garden at all? If so, what types of things do you grow? I help my parents which I find pointless because there is always much more work than results Do you consider cooking to be an art? when done right How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? too many considering that I barely wear ‘em ^^” Are you a fast or slow reader? fast Would you ever spend $500 on concert tickets? hell no Do you know anyone who looks like you? there was a gal who was similar to me on tumblr but younger than me, I lost contact with her Do you get nervous when you go to the doctor? yeah :( Are you a short tempered person? oh well...

Does it take a lot to gross you out? I’m easily grossed out Last time you seen an ocean: never saw ocean in person Do you collect sea shells? not as much as I used to

What is one change you need to make in your life this month? lets not talk about it, ok?

Would you have sex with the last person you texted? done Are you planning on kissing anyone tomorrow evening? she’s gonna be busy working Do you require a lot of private time? yasss Have you ever told a guy you were a lesbian to get him to leave you alone? it’s because I’m a lesbian lmfao If you have a favorite television show, who’s your favorite character? in my most fav shows plot was more important to me than characters tbh, it’s hard to explain, I hope I’m not the only one who thinks this way haha but in Buffy I didn’t like Xander and Angel was annoying even though he was necessary, I wasn’t a fan of Faith and didn’t understand Riley existence in the universe, also Dawn changed a lot for worse but I swallowed it with patience, in Call the midwife I felt crappy when they took Chummy and Jenny away, I didn’t watch newest episodes so I have no idea who Lucille and Valerie are, I horribly miss sister Evangelina :(

What’s the best part about flying? don’t ask me, I’ve never been on a plane

Did you ever watch Sailor Moon? fragments

Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream? vanilla

If you had to get glasses would you wear contacts? I’d prefer glasses

Are mac’s really better than PC’s? I’m a PC gal

D0 y0u l1k3 t0 t@lk l1k3 a 5c3n3 k1d? *cringe*

When you were red and green clothes do you feel like a Christmas Tree? lol

What TV show has the best theme song? hard choice

New Year’s Plans? I don’t plan to live that long

Would you agree that Sex and The City is the best show ever? no way, I didn’t even care enough to watch one episode of it

Do you call your friends with red hair “ranga’s”? wtf

Have you ever been surfing? me? surfing? r u kidding?

Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? excuse me, I’m into women exclusively

Name a thing in your room that other probably don’t have in theirs: me ha!

What’s your best jacket like? comfy :3

What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? nothing

If you could pull off any hairstyle, what would it look like? I have couple of ideas ;)

What is the worst thing that happened so far today? my failed appointment as I didn’t get any answers nor help for my heart condition and allergies and that was the last attempt, I have no other ways of fixing things to survive next months, my life;s officially over, I only have suffering and fear left, I’m a burden and I want to kill myself sooner than food or cardiac arrest

Did that ruin your day? it ruined my LIFE

What’s something good you’re looking forward to? sweet relieve of death?...

What’s something that you think is really cute?

*wish it was mine

Describe your feet: eww, why, better not

If you see somebody crying, do you start crying too? depends

How do you like your hoodies? oversized, without kangaroo pocket in front and/or a zipper, yuk

Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? it is to me at least

Were you a cute baby? I was a red haired potato

Are you talking to anybody right now? online

How tall are your tallest socks? I kept my rainbow knee high socks but I don’t use them anymore

Are you waiting for a phone call? at night?...

Do you look forward to swimsuit season, or get really nervous? I was skipping swimsuit seasons for over 10 years until this summer - I bought the cheapest and went to stand/walk in the water and sit on a beach despite my insecurities

If you could live for a year with any foreign family, where would you go? don’t wanna, scary

What do you wish people would pay you to do? browse the internet XD

Do you take good pictures? I try

Should you be doing something else right now? wash my hair, drink water, commit suicide - who knows

Did that question make you nervous? that question made me sad

Why don’t girls like porn? some enjoy it

Tell me a memory of this summer: this summer is all about romantic love, illnesses and nostalgy

Do you think it’s pretty when 100s of balloons are let loose into the sky? a waste but still pretty, sorry love, I know you’d be irritated so don’t worry - I will never do smth like that to ya

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