#ive been going through it again and idk why every time i try to get help it backfires and makes me feel worse again

[quebrntahuesos]

.

#ive been going through it again and idk why every time i try to get help it backfires and makes me feel worse again #finally managed to make a call for my diagnosis again but there's no appointments available this year and #instead of having a waitlist they want me to call again in fall #which great #chances are i will forget because of #the very disability i am trying to get treated #and i'm also so insanely unhappy with uni i don't know how to deal with it #i also miss my friends but i feel bad contacting them because i have been unintentionally ghosting some for years #i'm not good at holding conversations online and idk man i love you all but i keep forgetting and feel bad about it and its a never ending #cycle of dread and anxiety #i don't blame people if they think i'm annoying either but id love to not feel like that about every connection i make #no matter who i talk to i always feel like they hate me now and its tiring #don't mind me crying because i can't tell some of the people i appreciate the most in my life that i miss them #personal #rant #ignore me

[m0llygunn]

i wish i had met you earlier (eddie munson x reader)

cw: depressing pillow talk and comfort idk, reader was sad and lonely an: a nod to the only boy ive ever loved who coincidentally became the only man ive ever loved. we grew up together and i still wish i had met him earlier. wc: 1k

“I wish I had met you earlier,” you whisper.

“Earlier?” he smiles, nose scrunching at the silliness, not knowing the depth of your sentiment. 

“Yeah,” you smile back. It’s hard not to do— to smile, when his eyes are so soft, and his lips are that plump, just kissed colour, and your body still hums from the evening behind you. His lashes flutter the slightest bit, blinking away your flattery with a bashful roll of his eyes. 

“You’d be sick of me already if we met earlier,” he lightly huffs, cheek squishing further into the softness of your shared pillow, crooking his smile. 

If the lights were on, you’re sure you’d see a flush suffuse across his face. It would highlight the curvature of his cheeks that accompany his boyish simper, and it would emphasize the winsome rounded tip of his nose. When he blushes like that, your heart always adds an extra beat into its rhythm, one that lives for him. You can picture it so clearly, your heart flutters all the same— that’s not the point of this though. 

“I wouldn't be sick of you,” you promise.

“No?”

“I'll never get sick of you.” 

Tactile as always, he draws his affection over your features, trusting his touch to communicate what he feels. His fingertips dance over your cheek bone, daring to grace close enough to your eye to feel the very tips of each silken lash, flittering with every reflexive blink. He feels the fan, every feathery gust of air, and it affects him in magnitudinous ways— feeling any part of you is like that, a full-hearted reminder that you are here. You are here and you are his. 

His palm settles to your cheek, fingers curving just below your ear, cradling the edge of your face. His own version of a promise, he shares his warmth and oath-taken heart through his touch.

“When would you have wanted to meet?” he asks curiously, blinking his own thick lashes at you as his gaze meets yours. 

“Just before high school.”

He smiles widely, “you answered that quickly,” he says, thumb tracing once over the hill of your cheek and back down.

“I’ve thought about it a lot,” you smile back. You lean into his touch and he draws his thumb across again. You close your eyes for a moment and he does it another time. 

“Why?” 

The softness inside you hardens momentarily at the question. Swallowing thickly, you also know the answer, but it doesn’t come out as quickly. It gets stuck to the roof of your mouth, stuck to the tip of your tongue. His eyes encourage your honesty, and on the sole notion of knowing him and knowing his heart, you trust him with this part of you.

“Maybe if I met you then, I wouldn’t have been so lonely.”

His thumb glides across your cheek and you watch as his eyes give way to his realization that it wasn’t a light hearted question for you. It wasn’t just pillow talk like it was supposed to be.

“Maybe if I met you then, I wouldn’t have been so sad,” you continue, trying to smile.

“You were sad?” His brows turn up, worry lines settling in. It’s a sorrowful look he gives you, not pity, but a softness, a grief, a regret. 

For a split moment, you think that maybe you should lie— make it all go away. Maybe you should lie, but you couldn’t, not with him. Not when his hand is so graciously connected to you, and the warmth of his bare chest radiates into yours, and your shared pillow smells like your shared shampoo, and the sheets smell like the laundry soap you picked out together, with hints of your lotion and his body wash scattered throughout like every kiss you’ve ever shared here. Maybe you should lie, but you couldn’t— especially not when you love him and he loves you. 

“I was so sad, Eddie.” 

You muster a smile, but it betrays you, trembling just under your lower lip. The corners of your mouth remain pointed high, but it’s not a smile, not with the way your lips purse tightly, holding back what your eyes cannot. Your lash line fills, but less than a few side fallen tears survive the heavy blinks that draw them back inwards.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, thumb tracing under your eye this time. He pulls you forward with the lightest touch, a gentle encouragement, and a purposeful reminder that he’s here. He's here and he’s yours. 

One day you’d like to explain it all, but it’s a hard feeling to understand. You’re not sure if it’s wholly a feeling to begin with— it’s more like a ghost. A haunting of all the feelings that used to exist. It washes over you in fast moving gray clouds, settling into your chest like heavy smoke in your lungs, lingering only long enough to remind you of how it was. Just enough to make you sputter, but not enough to hold the bleak weight of it all once again.

Breath coming out heaving and choked, Eddie’s palm glides to the back of your neck. His thumb presses soothingly into the tensed and taut muscles, and as soft as air he breathes a whispered apology against your lips— a simple ‘sorry,’ but it translates to so much more when he holds you like he does. 

Sorry for bringing it up. 

Sorry for the ghosts in your lungs. 

Sorry for the years of you that died all alone with nobody to mourn them. 

Sorry that no matter how many flowers you bring to their grave, they still come back, just like this, to haunt you.

Sorry— breathed against your lips and into your lungs, filling you with the gift of a life with him in it. 

“It’s not your fault,” you answer.

“I know,” he replies.

“I’m still glad I met you when I did,” you say. 

He looks into your eyes, steady gaze sincere with a tender adornment. Entirely loving, but his usually gladness is hindered by the gravity of the moment. He moves in closer to you again, lips just barely brushing yours as he speaks. 

“I wish I had met you earlier,” he whispers.

———

ty! <3

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie x fem!reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson angst

[bratphilia]

would it be a bother to ask for a fic w a tomboy reader and william afton? ive been on such a kick w william afton x reader fics here since i watched the movie and i love all of them but i am not feminine in the slightest so if you could write one id be so grateful!! and age gap and size difference too would also be sooo 👌👌👌. thank you so much!!!

note ✧.*‎ this was a lil hard for me to write considering im on the girly-er side so if anything looks weird in relation to the premise i apologize in advance!! also so sorry for getting this out a lil later than promised.

pairing ✧.*‎ steve raglan / william afton x reader

cw ✧.*‎ age difference (reader is 18-21, william is 45-50), degrading, spanking, approximately two slaps to the face, blow jobs, rubbing through jeans? idk what to call that, coming in pants (fem)

taglist ✧.*‎ @dilfity

synopsis ✧.*‎ while attending yet another meeting with your career counsellor, he has a few choice of words for you.

jeans (w. afton x reader)

you sit in mr. raglan's office, trying to sit straight up, legs crossed, not bouncing. he slightly shifts in his chair as he reads your file, moving his spinning chair from side to side, as he mentally scrutinizes your report. it's nerve-wracking. anyone in your shoes would feel this way, but the way he's intently reading over every little detail makes you squirm.

the worst part is, this isn't even the first time you've been in this exact position. it wouldn't be so bad if mr. raglan wasn't such a hard ass on you. always practically demanding answers of why you keep getting let go from the jobs he gives you, criticizing the tiniest details. nothing gets passed this guy, and yet here you are.

(there's something that almost riles you up about the way he talks to you, though. he has a habit of talking with those big hands of his in a way that makes your insides twist.)

"so you sit here in front of me..." he pipes up suddenly, looking at you then lifting a brow, "wearing jeans to a meeting, for christ sake, asking for yet another job, so what? you can get 'let go' again?"

"well, yes," you say, a little dumbstruck at his comment on your attire.

mr. raglan laughs shortly. "i got news for you, kid. people with your kinda track record don't exactly find jobs as easy as you think they do."

you hold back from rolling your eyes. your fists clench at your side angrily. you speak through gritted teeth, "look, i just need a job. i'll take anything, i'm desperate."

"hate to break it to you, but things just don't work like that—"

you've had it. "will you just stop being such an asshole and give me my damn options already?! i didn't come here to be lectured."

you're seething, breathless from your outburst. your heart is pounding but nothing can beat the jaw-slacked look on his face. there's a deafening silence that has you on the edge of your seat. then, shortly, "you come here for advice, and i'm giving it to you."

you want to say something again, you open your mouth to do so, but he raises a hand to silence you promptly. "you said you're desperate, hm? want my real, useful advice?"

you stare at him, not liking the direction of this conversation or his weirdly tone of dripping malice. "get the fuck on your knees then."

it's hot, you'll admit it. and he's the whole package too, total dad-i'd-like-to-fuck and all. this isn't your type of deal, but if he's gonna offer it to you, fuck it, you'll take it. you'll take everything this man gives you. "mr. raglan—" you say, purposefully furrowing your brows, trying to act scandalized for godsake—

"get your ass over here," he scoffs with a roll of his eyes.

you shut up, perking up at that, and make way to the open space between his legs. "look at you, you degenerate thing. on your knees for such a cause."

your head swims and the buzzing between your thighs becomes far too apparent to be ignored. but you're willing to wait for that relief. you part your lips expectantly, hoping he'd get the message to undo his pants and he just laughs at you. "filthy fucking thing wants my cock in her mouth so bad."

"uh-huh," you say, mouth still open.

he does away with all the restraints and guides his cock into your mouth. eagerly, you take him and lick up the underside of his dick, eliciting a groan from him. he makes a fist around your hair and guides your mouth up and down his cock, not caring about what you can and can't take and you fucking love it.

the noises of him hitting your gag reflex is music to the mouth of your ears. the way you push him out only for him to slide back in is truly a marvel. and the grunts, groaning, and degradations that come from him makes you want to take him even faster, more than what your body can handle, and he just laughs it off, commenting on much of an "eager, filthy thing" you are.

when you feel his helping hands thrust your mouth more erratically is when he decides to pull you off. he uses your hair to stand you up and practically shove you against the desk, back facing towards him. you yelp in pain, only adding to the ache in your stomach. he stands to his full height and you gulp. fuck, he's so much bigger than you, of course he can just throw you around like that. when you ask him if you should remove your clothes, he pauses for a moment, thinking. then, mischievously, "no, i want to make good use of those jeans."

curiously, you look back at him, but his fingers are pressing against your clothed pussy. he presses hard, letting the fabric grind on you. "oh, fuck," you moan.

"yeah? you like that?" he asks gruffly, rubbing your clit through your pants from side to side. usually this stimulation wouldn't be enough, but fuck you were so hot for him that you didn't care. "fuckin' dressed like a boy," he scoffs.

tears burn in your eyes, partly from his words, the other part from the stimulation. then he slaps you across the face. "i asked you a fucking question."

"yes!" you cry, moving a hand to rub at your stinging cheek. he grabs your hand and then slaps the other side of your face, just for fun. a few tears slip down your face at his physicality, but doesn't change that fact that you, "love it so much!"

"think you deserve to come?" he asks. "after that shit you pulled. you think you deserve it?"

you sniffle, knowing damn well what his answer's going to be. "well, i don't."

he removes his hands then promptly wipes them on his pants. you sob out, grasping for his hands but he pushes off of you. "you better come back with a better attitude if you expect anything more than what i gave you."

#asks #fnaf #fnaf x reader #five nights at freddy's #fnaf smut #william afton #steve raglan #william afton x reader #william afton smut

[newtkive]

pixels [newt x reader - modern text au]

ch. 1 - the gc birth

in which two online friends navigate a romance through a minecraft groupchat with their stupid friends

or, newt, the quiet, stoic boy, and y/n, the bubbly girl both curse the world for keeping them apart, but at least they can send each other cute emojis and hope the other doesn't notice their blossoming feelings.

warnings: strong language, mutual pining, none really.

➥ m.list

__

notes: hi :p im very new to writing on tumblr (but ive always been a reader) so pls bare w me! and im trying to revert back to being 14 (im 23 lols..) so im revisiting my old favs including the maze runner/thomas (bc i binged the artful dodger and now im obsessed again). there will be non-text chapters in the future as well, when everyone eventually meets. this will be newt focused so enjoy !! also everyone is like a realistic age from 23 to 28

__

THE GLADE

[ 7:45 PM ]

alby added minho, y/n, newt, tommy, and gally

alby: Hello, guys.

minho: wtf is this

newt: uhhhh

tommy: hi :3

y/n: so this is why you asked me for my # in private

gally: i didn’t consent to this when i gave you my number

newt: don’t give strange men your number y/n

tommy: oh that’s y/n?

alby: Wait, Newt you had Y/N’s number already??

newt: yea

tommy: o.O

y/n: i gave it to him like two weeks after we met lmao

tommy: SO HE HAD YOUR NUMBER FOR A YEAR AND I DIDNT????

y/n: well he asked and you guys didn’t :p

newt: lmao

minho: ik he smug as fuck rn

not u asking for a girls number lmao simp

newt: stop

y/n: we all talk in discord anyways so i didn’t really think about it

plus you guys are friends irl so idk

it felt kinda weird to insert myself heh

minho: we’ve known you for a year and a half y/n

we play games all the time

call all the time

we even send packages and shit

you’re very much considered our irl friend

y/n: REALLY?? 🥺🥺

tommy: internet friends are real friends 😍❤️

minho: the heart eyes are crazy

but yes dude

newt: of course you’re our close friend. just cuz we live near each other and you’re a bit far away doesn’t mean we don’t adore you

minho: ADORE IS CRAZY LMFAO

but real ig

y/n: AWWWWW YOU GUYS LOVEEE MEEEEEE

hahahahha

HAHAHHAHJFIEKMGOR

I LVOE YOU GIYYYYSSSS IM PUTTING ALL OUR MINECRAFT BEDS TOGETHER LATER

gally: i do not want my bed to be infested by you guys

minho: gally sleeps in the corner

gally: no i dont i sleep in my mansion

y/n: cherry blossom mansion*

gally: and you sleep in a shed

y/n: cherry blossom shed* its pink and that matters.

tommy: love you y/n 😊🥰

y/n: love you tommy <3333

minho: that’s actually nasty stop now

y/n: u mad ur unloved

i love how the gc name is our minecraft town name :((

newt: aw it is

minho: can we talk about why tf this was made when we have a perfectly good discord

alby: I’m done with Discord.

newt: you got your shit hacked didn’t you mate

minho: mate 💀💀

british people so crazy

alby: Yes maybe..

I don’t want to make another.

y/n: or your old ass doesn’t know how to

minho: LMAO REAL

alby: Gonna ignore that. But I am getting too old for it. I have a new promotion at work so that means I won’t have time to play with you guys as much anymore. So I decided to make this groupchat in hopes to talk to you guys more to make up for it :)

minho: every group always has the old head with the job 💀💀

newt: minho admitting he’s jobless

minho: you work at a library be so fr rn

newt: i have an income. you have a room in your grandmas basement. we are not the same.

gally: LMFAOOOOOOO

minho: stfu :////

y/n: AWWWWWWW ALBYYYYYYY

tommy: YAAAY!!!!

im going to text you guys all day

tell you every meal

every thought

every interaction will be meaningful and glorious

newt: you are 24 years old you don’t have to do all that

minho: no fr im turning off my phone if he starts this shit

why not just do it before in the discord ??

tommy: easy access now and i tried before but stopped since no one really replied..

y/n: i say we all do it :D i will too tommy

newt: ok second thought that’s fine

minho: .

gally: that’s wild.

y/n: YAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!! NEWT YOU GO FIRST

newt: first with what

y/n: say what u ate today

newt: didn’t say i’d do it.

tommy: i ate muffin, monster energy drink, and hamburger :3333

you guys next

minho: that’s all you had bro..

y/n: hot cheetos and french fries and coffee :D

minho: ??????? BRO

how are you guys alive

y/n: it's my day off and no class so i just wanna rot in bed and that means no cooking

newt: please eat and drink water.

like for real and document it

y/n: ok wait

there

tommy: yum!

minho: y/n..

newt: cereal does not count

y/n: I DONT HAVE ENERGY TO MAKE ANYTHING OKAY

im a 23 year old broke college student my fridge is bare

newt: alright what do you want?

y/n: wym?

newt: like if you could pick.

minho: that’s so cruel 😭😭 just making her imagine it

i like it go on.

tommy: i want chick fil a

minho: i knew you hate the gays

tommy: I AM THE GAYS?????

y/n: ugh that does sound good

mmmm chickem sandiwh waffle fry I Want that Os mYch

newt: that’s what you would order?

y/n: mmmcm yeahshhhhh

newt: ok

minho: that’s it?

i thought soemthing would happen

tommy: me too

like a spell! magic 🪄

y/n: sigh

my cereal tastes bad now

newt: well it is cocoa puffs.

minho: L cereal

y/n: DTOP SAYING L ITS SO ANNOYITIGJNGGGGG

minho: she so madddd 😂😂 L

newt: you're annoying minho

minho: youre just saying that bc shes saying that

newt: no ive always said it. and i will continue to. youre fucking annoying

minho: who bought you your coffee yesterday

newt: ???

myself

and i paid for yours too

im the one with an income

minho: .

well i didnt think youd remember that well.

newt: it was literally yesterday.

minho: yeah but ur old

newt: IM THE SAME AGE AS YOU

minho: yeah but im 🤗✨ 26 ✨🤗and youre... 26😬😔

tommy: guys stop fighting

newt: we aren't fighting

maybe this gc was a bad idea

tommy: NO!!!!!!!!!

y/n: NOOOO!

tommy: this is like y/n is here w us irl

y/n: awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

minho: no it's not. we would smell a foul stench if she was

y/n: i ahte you sooo bad.

wait there is a knock at my door im scared

newt: answer it

minho: aren't you supposed to say don't open the door for strangers ????

newt: well usually yes

y/n: no im not expecting company

newt: just do it pls

y/n: ok :D

minho: bruh..

i hope she gets robbed and u feel bad forever newt

newt: why would you want that

minho: bc she owes me money

newt: YOU owe ME money

minho: yes but i have a good reason she just wanted robux

tommy: Y/N DONT DO IT!!! I HAVE SEEN DATELINE

y/n: :o....

tommy: Y/N?????????

OH GOD THEY GOT HER

minho: why would she text a silly face if she got got

tommy: clearly its a surprised face

maybe its not her

its like those cut out magazine letters murderers use

y/n: who got me chick fil a!!!!!!!!!!

minho: me

newt: you literally did not

minho: shut up

y/n: newt it was u i see ur name on the receipt

newt: well

y/n: :(

newt: what why are you sad?

minho: im hungry too

y/n: u spent ur money :(

newt: you're hungry are you not?

minho: she's not but i am

y/n: yeah but..

i feel bad you shouldn't have

newt: just eat it or i'll be mad

minho: i think i want red lobster

newt: it's really no big deal y/n

y/n: thank you newt :(((((

newt: you're welcome

go eat and watch ur show or smth

minho: i owuld love to eat and watch a show rn <33 ohhhh im starving

newt: can you shut up

gally: im muting this gc if this means i have to deal with your guys' shit more than usual now.

minho: thank god

newt: good

tommy: good

y/n: good

the food is good too <3

newt: good.

_

lmk if you want to be tagged!

#the maze runner #the maze runner fanfic #tmr #tmr newt #newt x reader #newt imagine #the maze runner newt x reader #the maze runner newt imagine #the maze runner newt #thomas brodie sangster #thomas brodie-sangster #thomas brodie sangster x reader #dylan o'brien #reader insert #text au #modern au #newt x reader au #fanfic #the maze runner imagine #newt tmr #thomas brodie-sangter x reader #hi #idk #reader is funny #kind of a self insert obvi #tbs #tbs x reader #tbs imagine #thomas the maze runner

[firesnap]

i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.

ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?

its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?

im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.

This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.

I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.

This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.

My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.

With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.

Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.

(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)

But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.

#the current state of things

[serenequeenofeverything]

Daily pull-a-card reading

Daily pull-a-card, is a daily tarot reading in which ill pull one card for every group.

Disclaimer: sometimes i might pull an extra card or two that i wont mention but will definitely take into consideration.

Lots of grammar mistakes ahead bc fuck english.

For September 8-9th 2023

Group i, ii, iii, iv, v, vi

i

The high priestess

U seem to be very connected and in touch with ur emotions, you are at ur peak intuition-wise but why do i see you doubting urself? Why are u so unsure? Almost ur not giving urself the benefit of the doubt, actually quite the opposite. You are not sure of urself whatsoever, but im here to tell what the universe (god, the angels or whatever u believe in) wants you to know : you are on the right path. U are exactly where u r meant to be. U are as connected to ur higher purpose as one can be. There is nothing to fear. You are on the right path. Your own path. Trust yourself a bit more.

A song recommendation (which i reallllllllly urge to listen to bc u cant imagine how strongly this came through, U MUST LISTEN TO IT) :

ii

Ten of wands (r)

Let go of it. The burden you are carrying is not worth it, i don't exactly know what it is, it might or might not be important but here's the thing love, you are more important. U r really precious, u truly don't deserve to carry this baggage, it is just weighing you down. So free yourself, love. I know u can do it, you too know too. My bird of paradise, fly.

A song recommendation that i really wish u to listen to:

iii

The world

My god, you are the girl. Darling you ARE THE GIRL. honestly i dont even need to advice u, all im gonna say, you are the girl. you are the one, i truly truly love your energy. Baddest bitch in the game lmaoo.

I said im not gonna advice you, but i cant stop me, so here it goes, STOP LOOKING INTO THE PAST. What's past is past. Fuck him, fuck them, they didnt deserve you. Look ahead so much is waiting for you, somewhere is waiting for you. And this time, they will deserve you. U will watch it begin again, only better.

A song recommendation that i NEED you to listen to (make sure u listen to taylor's version only tho 🔪🔪)

iv

9 of swords

Hey love, listen to me very carefully, YOU CANT BALANCE IT ALL. whatever you are trying to balance, is taking a toll on you. It's too much work and it's fucking you up mentally. It's too much and read to this even more carefully YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Ur only human. Either give one of it up, or just free yourself from both( i suggest this). Life is much more than this situation that you are in. And there's better days to come. But you take this decision. U need to take this decision.

A song recommendation that im certain you already know but i think would a good awakening for u :

v

Knight of cups

He is very close. Nearly here. And my god, ur night in his shinning armor is one hell of a night ( THE BEST INTENTIONS LITERALLY ) . Idk girl what u have been manifesting, but that shit is CLOSE, very freaking close. My advice? Just keep doing whatever ur doing. U r doing good, and u will do even better.

Song recommendation(huh... interesting, idk i got this song, but it came very strongly, so listen u never know what's in it for u) / interestedly three things came on strong 1. "Combat" 2. " they see right through me, can you see right through me" 3. "Cause all my enemies started off as friends"

vi

Page of wands

Oh my god, this was like the messiest group everrr! Here's the thing lmao u got many cards, but it just kept going back and forth but one thing im certain about is the page of wands energy all over you. So this group are just very young compared to the rest, or just not in control of their life whatsoever.

For some i see patents getting divorced, families arguing, not very good home environment. And then there's u, amidst all this mess, the shinning one. U have many goals, you are a seeker and a dreamer, u want more. Im hearing " an art deco, Shining like gun metal" and u want more. U want more for you, u want the light, the fame and everything else too. A hungry soul.

" i want my cake and i wanna eat it too"

My advice? It dont matter. U will do as u wish, no one can stop u nor change you. U remind me too much of myself, i know ur ache.

Your song recommendation? Art deco. That song describes you perfectly.

Anyways now that's over, y'all better follow me, i mean who will do u better than i?

Alsooo u can always submit what u want me to do a reading on next by simply commenting ur subject of interest ( no private readings bro i aint got no time for that)

Anyways peace out, bye.

#occult #pac reading #tarot #tarotdaily #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick a card reading #pick a photo #free tarot #daily tarot #tarot reading #free tarot reading #song recs #red taylor’s version #lana is god #lana del ray lyrics #lust for life #Spotify

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 6

welcome the the sixth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. Chapped Lips by Creatortan

Lance's lips were a distraction, sometimes. Keith just couldn't keep his eyes off of them.

i read this one and forget to bookmark it and it haunted my mind for WEEKS as i desperately tried to find it again. i went bonkers bc i wanted to reread it so bad, bc it is EXCELLENT. its fun and gay and the team as family dynamics are AMAZING, no team bashing here!! and as usual the pining was chefs kiss.

2. Mine by Anonymous [EXPLICIT, ABO]

How do Lance and Keith react when the other is kidnapped?

Keith goes feral. Lance becomes deadly.

yeah, yeah, i know. another omegaverse. absolutely feel free to avoid this one if it’s not ur thing, i know it’s not for everyone, but it was one of my first pieces of bamf unhinged lance and i refuse to be ashamed of liking it lmao. also i think it’s fair to say that this fic inspired my unhinged batshit lance fic, at least a little. give it a try if ur like me an abo is a guilty pleasure lmao

3. the way i love you by @taylortot

quiet moments in which keith and lance fall in love. and kiss a lot. post s7.

words cannot explain how much this series means to me. genuinely a series that is so poetically soft and loving that it makes tears well in your eyes. i started reading this series right when i turned 16, and idk it truly made something crack in fizzle in my brain, it made me realise how careful and choosing love is. i have read this series more times than i can count, definitely one of the top ten, and there are lines from this fic that i repeat to myself when i am looking for hope. i know it hasn’t been touched since 2020 but i will be watching it carefully and hoping for years to come. (my favourite, in the series, although it was hard to choose, is i want to kiss you there)

4. Read Label: Lance McClain’s Boyfriend by @bleusarcelle

“You know I’m not ashamed, right?” Lance meets his gaze sheepishly. “Like, I’m not ashamed of you, of us. Far from it, babe, I swear –”

“Lance,” Keith cuts in kindly, smiling warmly at the teen in his arms. “Believe me, I know but I do want to tell the world what you mean to me. I wanna start with our team, our family.”

“You should come with a warning,” Lance whispers, stroking Keith’s chin fondly as he drops his voice. “Caution: words that leave these lips may cause falling deeper in love. Thank you for shopping at Mullets4sales.com.”

Keith throws his head back as he shakes with laughter. Lance grins proudly at sound before he props himself on the bed and drops unceremoniously on top of his giggling boyfriend’s chest.

“But yeah, yes; let’s tell them after dinner.”

[Or the one where the team is on their way back home and stop on a planet where a pissy prince drugs Keith with a love potion and Lance has to endure watching his secret boyfriend being lovestruck on someone else that isn't him.]

bleusarcelle always has and always will be one of the core founders of this fandom fr. trust me when i tell u their work was THE work. i remember greedily reading every fic of theirs several time, and i still read several of them regularly. but i will always be a sucker for the secret relationship trope. and this one managed to have that trope with none of the team bashing or miscommunication garbage so it’s a banger from the get-go fr

5. When Moonlight Touches Us by @pmwrites-blog1

Branches scratched his cheeks as he ran through the woods. Out of breath and covered in mud, Lance eventually crawled back under the fence onto the school grounds. He stopped at the large fountain in the plaza, leaning heavily on it. He splashed his face to wake himself up.

It didn’t work. Keith was real.

-

Based on 214b's Gargoyle AU

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE VOLTRON FIC OF ALL TIME. i dont know why. i have no idea why ive latched onto this fic so specifcally, what about this fic just makes me want to reread it again and again, but if i could print this aand bind it and keep a hardcopy with me every day of my life i would. im obsessed with it. beauty and the beast who?? like this fic is everything to me. i cannot recommend it enough. im fully convinced this fic did something fundamental to my brain. nothing i write will ever be so dear to me as this fic and that’s literally okay. the stars aligned to make this fic possible. is it the fact that i know there’s pretzellus art for it and so the whole story was cemented into my brain? possibly. i truly do not know. but i am fully obsessed with this story and likely will be for infinity

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!  

#i love all of these but im especially excited to share that last one with yall its ten billion out of ten #vld #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #keith #keith kogane #klance #au #established klance #fluffy klance #klance au #fic rec #fic rec friday #longpost

[thegeminisage]

ok, it's star trek update time. tonight we watched ds9's "playing god" and tng's "eye of the beholder."

playing god (ds9):

i'm trying. SO SO SO HARD to get into dax and it's just not working

out of the 3 dax episodes we've had so far this one included two of them have been mid and one of them was just slightly better than average mostly for the questions it prompted in my mind palace, not necessarily the questions asked by the episode itself

in s1 dax had basically no personality, but in s2 when she does have a personality it seems to be a different one every time. like in one episode she was very prissy and in others she's just one of the guys! and then at other times she reverts to this very buttoned up bordering on bland science officer from s1 again

and then every once in awhile she'll be like oh yeah i LOVE sex i LOVE being a super hot woman who everyone wants to FUCK!!! i can get whatever i want with my SEX APPEAL even though my hair is WEIRDLY SHAPED. and look i am so happy for her and she should literally get some but it borders on the kind of misogyny that starts genuinely annoying me. it is kind of like that anime trope where the teen boy gets put into a body with tits and he can't stop messing with them. its like. idk reducing her to a body, or reducing her to jadzia's body, which dax is taking for a ride to feel hot and fuckable?? it's very blurry what's jadzia and what's dax

WHICH is the most fascinating part of dax, which is where the trill ends and the symbiant or however you spell it begins, but we don't get into that quite as much as i'd like

anyway i guess a shifting personality is a natural result of living 7 lifetimes but it doesnt FEEL like thats why theyre doing it, it FEELS like they just cant seem to keep her consistent

that said. while i did not like this episode or this little guy dax was showing around i DID like the implication that curzon was actually a huge fucking asshole. i love that he can be loved by many people but was still an asshole. it's complex. and now one of the people he abused (?) or at least was an asshole to is now. his successor. IT'S COMPLEX!!! what are he and jadzia to each other...imagine meeting curzon dax and then just becoming him. that's wild. so, points for that! genuinely. it just feels like the trill thing is fascinating because of trills and not because of jadzia dax in particular. i'm gonna keep trying to like her. maybe once she starts banging worf things will be different

eye of the beholder (tng):

ohhhh i hated this one so much (suicide cw for this one lol)

firstly, i don't trust tng to handle the subject of suicide any more than i trust them to handle multiple personalities, but they tried to very special episode it anyway. all of them were so shocked at the very THOUGHT of it i guess because they eliminated all mental illness in tos?? but it was so funny in the rage-inducing way like "maybe he needed to think of the obstacles in his life as challenges to overcome!" come on.

also lmao picard like ive never had to report a suicide before...........girl you have literally told 2 people to kill themselves

and then they dropped the very special episode plot halfway through for this psychic mystery...

here's the thing. if everyone had been searching for a REASON someone who seemed to be perfectly happy would do this, and in the end the answer was just "nothing was going on, he was just hiding a lot of pain, even if we don't want to believe that" that would have been a STELLAR gutpunch. but there literally was foul play involved

AND NOT ONLY THAT! BUT THEY FAKED ME OUT WITH WORF E DEANNA

my ONLY consolation was that they were finally kissing and then later fucking but NO!!!! all a dream

i was already conflicted because deanna e worf means a temporary breakup from deanna e riker but i wanted it anyway and i was so happy when they gave it to me and then they KILLED IT? maybe the actors hated it because it fucking sucked

like, no wonder everybody let deanna walk around unsupervised when there was a high suicide danger. she was dreaming. no one in real life would ever allow this

i wish also that creepy men would stop coming to deanna's quarters to be creepy to her

final note: was told the creepy man was in spn. clocked him as alistair almost immediately. faceblind WHO

TOMORROW: ds9's "prophet and loss" and tng's "genesis" (dread).

#personal #star trek blogging #ds9 lb #tng lb

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community #in need of advice #queer advice #aroace #aromantic #asexual #bisexual #questioning #help. me. #utterly confused 💥

[bananafire11]

vent

please dont read if youre not in the right space rn. heavy on anger and feels. just wanna type it out somewhere and this blog is my safe space so

i am so fucking angry right now. like the kind of anger thats pent up and bubbles beneath the skin and is ready to implode out at any fucking second and i hate it so much. i dont feel like i have very good reasons for feeling this way either. or maybe im downplaying those reasons, i dunno

i dont want to bother any of my friends with this shit. i feel guilty because ik they have their OWN struggles. ik feeling this way is silly because i help them through so much, and am so glad to do so. but theres always this doubt.

anyway. on discord, i put my status on DNIUC sometimes because i just need space and ik that most of my close friends will see this and know to be careful that day. or if they text and im slow to respond, ik they understand. but theres these friends who KEEP spamming. and its driving me FUCKING MAD. one, who is very close and gosh i love them so much, sends me so much every day. youd think after the first few times i didnt respond, he'd get the fucking jist and think "ill stop there" but instead he KEEPS ON. ITS OVERWHELMING. and the subject of these texts isnt bad or anything, but its always about him and his bf. i dont have the energy to talk about them 24/7. im beyond happy for him, that hes happy. but FUCK. im asexual and never have been in a relationship, and sometimes it feels like a fuckyou to me?? ik he doesnt mean it that way at all!! but!!! idk, sometimes its like theres a longing for a bf of my own. but i dont want to settle. ill wait for the right boy. right now, hes not here. and im not actively looking for a relationship, i have so much shit going on. so, i usually ignore this guys dms as long as i can. i feel guilty, but at the same time fucking furious that i even have to do it in the first place, if that makes sense. i love him dearly, but it's forced me to just put my status on 'invisible' so it looks like im offline. better to avoid people, ig.

theres another guy, who isnt as close, but ive made great friends with thus far in the time ive met him over a game i enjoy. but again, doesnt know when to stop. why are you texting me when it says dniuc!!! YOU ARENT CLOSE. ive explained 'close' is friends ive known for a year or so, which isnt exactly true actually... but i needed to tell him something that wouldnt hurt his feelings. after i clarified for the second time, he let up. but still. people are fucking annoying and its so FRUSTRATING that i love them because that makes shit so complicated.

then, family. ive been snowed in with my mom and sister for over a fucking week and I NEED OUT. i never thought id say this but I WANT TO BE AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM HOME. my neighbors, who are more so aunt and uncle to me and my sister, let me go over and stay hours with them when i need it. but i dont feel like trecking thru the fking snow to get there. last night i stayed over and watched a favorite movie of mine with them and it was great, but having the energy to do that feels exhausting tonight.

im trying to distract myself with art, but its not working like it normally does. and its goddamn hard. tried videogames, youtube, but nothing is bringing me true relief. but i dont want to sleep either. ugh.

vent art, anger.

#banana brain blurbs #vent post

[punkbxt]

dime the takes. por favor.

*gets real close to the vending machine* quiero pepsi

okay all seriousness tho imma try to do this in a way thats like idk semi respectful towards janeway but i also need yall to know i do NOT reallyf fuck with her. idk if ive explained why before but i guess here we go

unlike most people that enjoy star trek i didnt really get into it till 2018 and then the demmy hit n i had nothing but time to consume every star trek imaginable and thats how i found voyager. yeah sure make fun of me for not knowing what star trek is but i need YALL to know that it is white and usamerican culture to be raised on trek and I DONT CARE. the only reason i got into star trek is bc a white friend introduced me. all this to say i was introduced to janeways actress through oitnb red ilu so much red best evil white lady <3

anyways i know janeway gets hate for having been the only lady captain and i always preface anything i say about her with this so yall understand that this is not the reason i dislike her but in reality it doesnt help either

also its tiring as fuck to include my opposing argument but it has to be done bc ppl are like “what about- pkay but you didnt consider how- yeah but- actually youre wrong bc-“ like fuck man im doing my damndest i literally hate voicing my opinions bc yall INSIST people of color dont actually get it n its tiring

if youve followed me since i started voyagerposting you may have noticed ive only actually drawn janeway twice and its cuz as a person she rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons

janeway gets put in this impossible position of being the top of the hierarchy pyramid to a crew that doesnt think theyll ever make it home again. shes deemed a mother figure by a LOT of characters but im gonna talk abt her dynamics with b’elanna, and seven because if i were to talk about the dynamics between janeway and harry thatd have to be its own post

when i get into a show, i loooveeee knowing what was happening behind the scenes because i love it!! i love set design i love character design i love costume design i love seeing what the actors are like outside of the show and how they feel about these characters bc these things ARE important. (writers too pero i have beef) behind the scenes is the biggest influence to the final product bc its the reason the final product exists in the first place and behind the scenes so many things went wrong. and when actors are mistreated or dont get along with eachother it becomes pretty apparent. well at least if you analyze things the way i do

so heres my issue with janeway seven and b’elanna. b’elanna is typecast to be the ugly character. klingons gave always gotten the short end of the stick and the case with her isnt as harsh bc her actress is a mixed puerto rican (information that has actually only recently been revealed bc when i tried to find out what roxan’s ethnicity was in 2019 i literally could not find anything definitive except for shes latina) but she STILL gets a lot of shit

one of my favorite things about voyager before the introduction of seven was how b’elanna and janeway actually got to bond a lot over science and when seven took on the roll of pretty girl on the ship, b’elanna and janeway suffered a LOT for it. we have an interesting dynamic between a maquis engineer and a federation captain genuinely not getting along bc b’elanna doesnt see janeways as an authority figure. not until chakotay has something to say about it and also until b’elanna and janeway actually talk about shit n get over their differences. the issue is when ppl purposely skip the earlier seasons to get to seven and then a lot of important interpersonal character building is missed I SAY THIS BC PEOPLE OFTEN FORGET THAT VOYAGER HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG BEFORE AND EVEN THE WRITERS LET IT SLIP THEUR MIND N ITS LIKE BRO U HAVE GOLD TO WRITE WITH N U JUST LET IT COLLECT IN THE CORNER

seven is a unique and interesting character when she is first introduced. seven looks like any other borg and is so COOL. and then immediately all the cool interesting things about the way seven looks is basically negated to a few shiny parts. and yes janeway is partly to blame

BUT! what is the easiest way to gain the trust of people who already have bad history with who you once were? assimilation of course! seven goes from being one of many to the outcasts outcast

but punkbxt! what does any of this have to do with why you dislike janeway as a character? if anything it sounds more like you dislike seven. as long as the character is white ill always hold a lil disdain for them in my heart <3

janeway symbolizes the best of starfleet. she is an accredited officer and an extremely capable scientist. she is a beautiful white woman in THE position of power something that was revolutionary for her time. the issues with white women being put in positions of power is they they have NEVER had the interests of black and brown people to heart. “yes they-“ SHUT UP and let me speak before you decide to comment on this goddamn post

feminism throughout the centuries has focused on white women and while a show is merely a fraction of the lived reality of its time the effects are still extremely clear. white feminism JUMPED at the character of janeway and celebrated her and rightfully so! the issues came about when women like b’elanna got attacked and pushed to the side. this directly affected janeway within fandom and she got and still is recognized for accomplishments SHE DID NOT DO. she got put on a pedestal and once that happens to a character they suddenly can do no wrong. except she does because shes a human and shes white and shes a character with writers behind her

b’elanna has never actually been a super popular character and the wave of love for her is actually pretty fucking recent and not to toot my own horn but i definitely was a big part of the b’elanna love resurgence. when i got into voyager and these dates ARE important, i used to scroll through her entire tag easily a couple times through a DAY. fans occasionally created art for her and yeah! she got fics but nowhere in comparison to her other peers. surrounding yourself with people who also love her and want to create for her does help with recognition of b’elanna but its super recent stuff. and to add onto that any white fan that has an opinion about her will always be biased because they just do not understand what it is like to exist as a latina woman of color

this is where me myself and i come into the story because wowowowowow star trek is so cool! star trek preaches on and on and on about diversity love acceptance hate oppression and all that good stuff so who wouldnt love it??? and then??? OMG THERES A LATINA CHARACTER IN ONE SERIES OMG OMG OMG. imagine my disappointment when i found out that she a main character barely was getting any love. it hurt. because even within a narrative of inclusion somehow characters of color just seem to always be pushed to the side. especially when a fandom has such a majority percentage of white people

watching her story was SO personal to me. i could see myself in her struggling with living in america. i lived my childhoods in puerto rico and in many different parts of usamerica, surrounded by family and people like me until that wasnt the case anymore. i spent my life living as a nomad with no place to call home for on average no less than a year and no more than three. i could understand b’elanna with her struggles of living in a klingon monastery and then being thrust into an unforgiving and unaccepting world where humans/white people are the most important. the internalized racism that i grew up with was horrendous and to this DAY i am still trying to learn and better myself and connect with my culture in any way i can. because in a black ans white world, where is the space for those of us that dont fall under either? we are ignored and erased and with b’elanna is has been the same

the rejection b’elanna had to her klingon side was something i could relate to incredibly. but it still isnt enough. because even though i could connect with her through her klingon-ness, her latinidad is simply a label. throughout the show you see her change and grow and assimilate to the federation standard and it HURT. the narrative that i was directly picking up from her story was yeah you can be a part of the club but only if you do it how we want you to do it. and dont you EVER even talk about being latino unless its to shit on your deadbeat of a father. and i did. i learned how to adapt at an extremely young age. ive been told its one of the things i do best (sad isnt it?)

and okay how do seven and janeway have anything to do with this? well they are the white women who we literally have to conform to and for. thats it period

seven as a character had an amazing opportunity to challenge gender and sexuality because of her story (one that would have been better suited had she been an indigenous woman which ive spoken on before but thats for another post too) and then the people in charge decided that she just HAD to be the sexywoman instead of leaning into just how much she was no longer human and how humanity itself doesnt actually have one right way to be

this narrative is given to us by janeway time and time and time again correcting seven and telling her that seven simply is not himan enough and still has to learn. (things autistic ppl can suuuuuper relate to which is a reason i could connect with seven at all). no matter how you want to look at it (whatever canon you want to decide isnt canon anymore for the sake of a fucking ship) janeway was directly written to be a mentor and mother figure to seven. janeway is there to help her learn when in reality she can never understand what its like to be an outcast within the federation and to take it a step further be part of a eace which is treated with hostility by humans. something b’elanna CAN understand and relate to because at the time of voyager shits still om the rocks between klingons and humans. janeway pushes seven to accept and embrace humanity as if thats the only option seven has to become a better character but its just not true. the story woven between janeway and seven is one of white women and femininity and how to be the perfect white woman and how to be a good lover. by actively ignoring the help and influence b’elanna could have provided for seven to learn and adapt to a majority human world they put all that weight on janeway. something that affects ALL three of them negatively and results in a narrative of “well b’elanna could never understand and relate to seven in a way that matters” which is beyond true because they are so interwoven even unintentionally so. it simply just wasnt taken further and its a true shame

and this isnt even touching on how badly seven’s actress was treated by janeways actress for being the pretty new doll at the time of filming and how that affected how i felt about janeway/seven as a ship (similarly how castle and beckett did not get along behind scenes i could no longer enjoy that show anymore)

i simplified this IMMENSELY and this shit is already long enough as it is so im sorry about that but yeah thats it. also sorry if things got repetitive ive been told i tend to do that when i write. these are my feelings and i am a real human behind this account so keep in mind how you react to this post. i have recieved countless hate anons most of which ive deleted throughout my short lived time as a fan of this franchise. i used to be MUCH more vocal about representation within star trek and people got mad so i left. but im back because the people that love b’elanna and that love that i have things to say about her matter so much fucking more than any angry person ever will

#to add a lil statistics to it b7 barely breaks 200 fics on ao3 and numbers like that classify them rarepair within a fandom as big as trek #AND I BARELY TOUCH ON THE SHIPPING ASPECT TOO LOL #b’elanna torres #seven of nine #captain janeway #star trek voyager

[moonchildstyles]

thinking again....

pretty girl and h going to a halloween party with their friends and i don't really know what they'd dress up as, but they'd be so hot whatever it was and she'd get a little more drunk than him (he knew he was going to have to take care of her after the party because she just wants to have fun but ofc he won't drink as much he LOVES her) and it's such a safe atmosphere with everyone they know and so she feels okay to let loose a little and she's pulling him to dance with every song she hears that she likes, and only sitting in his lap no where else bc she will be >:( his pouty girl if she has to sit beside him and the later it gets the more clingy she is, holding his face and kissing him all over and they get tucked into a little corner of the house on a sofa while everyone is still partying and he's just entertaining her bc she's all giggly and her makeup is smudged from all the dancing they did and she's just drunkenly babbling to him about anything and everything and he never takes his eyes off of her, even denying grabbing another drink with one of his friends because she's got his hand wrapped up in hers, playing with his rings and trying them on and why would he leave her to get a drink ? she's literally his everything and he is more than happy to have her in his lap for three hours straight if that's what she wants, and after he gets her some food from the kitchen since it's been a while since she ate, maybe it's just a cute little halloween cupcake Tawny made, she's getting sleepy just yawning and curling into him and mumbling tiny cheers whenever she hears a song she really likes and he knows its about time to take her home before she actually falls asleep and the entire ride home she's just sleepily rambling about how much fun she had and "did you have fun honey?" and h is just melting bc honey ): and ofc he did and she makes him play cheesy halloween songs in the car and when they get home and he sits her on his bed to grab some makeup wipes and when he gets back (literally gone for 10 seconds) she's fast asleep in her little costume and he's ): bc she literally partied until she couldn't keep her eyes open and she'll have a hangover tomorrow but she'll still be his smiley girl bc of how much fun she had and GOD I JUST WANT HIM SO BAD - 🍓

stop I LOVE the idea of them at halloween but youre so right I have no idea what they would dress up as either:((((( like I could maybe see her being like a fairy or something but idk what he would dress up as to go w it:( idkidkidk but they look cute!!!!! and her being a mushy drunk:( ive only written her being a sad drunk in the main piece so I would love to do something soft and like actually give her a good night out sufshgfuhs but her getting so excited over certain songs and getting him to dance w her and twirl her around and :(((((( ON THE CAR RIDE HOME "did you have fun honey?" FHISFHSUFHSI BC:((((( EVEN THO SHES OUT OF IT AND SHE REMEMBERS THE NIGHT AS SO MUCH FUN SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE HAD FUN TOO BC SHE WOULD BE SAD IF HE DIDN'T :(((( BUT OFC HE HAD FUN HE GOT TO SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT W HER AND IM :((((( IN CONSOLABLE:((((((( but omg if he came back to his room seeing her all passed out he would def def def still follow through and get her makeup off her face and putting something on her lips so they aren't dry in the morning and getting her out of her costume as gently as he could before putting her in a big shirt of his and a pair of shorts :((( and ofc shes a little grumpy in the morning not getting up when he does like she usually does but when she does come down he can tell shes trying her best to stay in a good mood even though shes not really talkative and just wants to eat everything around her so it'll settle her tummy and when he pulls her not his lap is so sweet and "feeling alright pretty girl?" and she hums into his neck like yeah:( just sleepy and a little sick this morning:( but its so worth it I had so much fun last night h:) and hes :( so in love w her :(

#anon #ask #🍓 anon #prosecco inspo #concept

[blood-injections]

talk 2 me about H Shoe Crab... (if u like) (I'm in a... Crabby... mood... heh)

I will GLADLY talk to you about Crab!! also fucking amazing pun i love puns. Okay so as you maybe know ive been putting the suitehearts through the genderweird beam between Sandman being. I mean just look at that guy hes so genderfluid and going oh what if i saiddd she/he Donnie but while Donnies thing is just like she doesn't care shes not transfem shes just, well, Donnie. Unfortunatly Benzedrine's the token cis guy until I maybe change my mind. Anyway I've been thinking about hitting H Shoe(is it Horseshoe or H Shoe is there a difference or is H Shoe just like shortened? I mean the canon is the last thing about any of this but what actually is it because I've seen it every way is there a right way?) Crab with the transfeminator because. Why not. Plus look at her. Also Crab and Jet Star would so be transfem partners in crime.

Okay I'm just gonna dump all the Crab things I've come up with while fleshing out my suitehearts stuff. So I think he'd be the only suiteheart that doesn't mind the fab four and that the fab four don't mind bc the crews totally have a weird rivalry all the suitehearts hate the four except for sandman but thats sandman. And also Crab bc hes just like cool like that. And the fab four all hate the suitehearts except for Crab bc again. He's cool like that. Like they respect him more where they dont the others and Benze especially. Again sandmans kinda an outlier tho the fab four dont hate him they just all think hes fucking annoying. Except for ghoul and kobra but thats ghoul and kobra. But like benz and party? At eachothers throats all day every day and not in a cool sexy way. But they all like crab and i think crab and jet would be best friends i think party would be like jealous of that but theyd like crab anyway cause hes just a cool zonerunner with a sweet face and you cant stay pissy at that. Kobra probably wouldnt care for him that much but he wouldnt mind him either and then ghoul would be like lowkey obsessed with him in like an annoying little brother that NEEDS to prank him kind of way but crab lives with sandman and is literally. Untouchable by mischief. Ghoul tries to prank him and Crab somehow Knows and always turns the situation around and Ghoul's just the one that ends up getting pranked instead or hes caught in his own boobytrap. Its bc ghoul and sandman are the same flavor of little shit.

Anyway. Horseshoe Crab fuckinggg. That guard dog post i think you know the one. Hes the loyalest fucker ever to Benze especially, I'm still deciding what like suitehearts ship to put for background shit in my funsandkid frankenghoul thing oh man whatd i title it. Um. Haunted and Holy. Yeah. Like. Benzecrab... but also with the way benze is characterized in that and what i have planned for like crab and ghouls interactions idk if itd work in it. Still tempted to try it though. But like Benzecrab or should have there be something between Crab and Donnie hhhfhh i cant decide. But yeah Crabs so fucking loyal to his friends especially Benze, in Haunted and holy not so much because benze going crazy and making a person and not treating him like a person is like. Not trustworthy behavior. But until that happens and in anything else. Super loyal especially for benze. And totally a big brother to Sandman like after meeting him was like okay this guys my dude now and claimed him as like a little brother so hes also fiercely loyal for them but more like protective rather than like. For benze hes loyal in that guard dog way where he has such extreme loyalty its become devotion and he'll obey his every command way, while for sandman hes loyal in protective older sibling way and like not guard dog but rather stray dog that sandman fed one too many times and so now hes claimed him and will protect him with his life but won't stop doing so if it commands him to. Protection out of chosen love not earned loyalty. If all that makes sense. And I kinda really want to write what would happen if there was a divide in the suitehearts and Crab had to choose between those things like if he had to choose to take the side of the guy hes devoted to and maybe loves if its benzecrab or the side of his little fucking brother even if theyre not related by blood it would be so sadistic of me to him and myself writing to make him choose between the guy he saved and pulled off the streets and who was his first crewmate versus the guy that saved him and kept him alive and actually made their crew. His leader thats earned his loyalty and respect versus the guy who was family to him before he ever met Benzedrine. But both equally loved by him in their ways. Imagine if he had to choose between them hehhehehege supervillian cackle.

I feel bad for not mentioning Donnie as much in this but i think crab and donnie wouldn't have as strong of a connection like they're best friends and crew theyd kill for eachother like anyone yes but i think theres not as strong as an emotional connection there as there is with sandman or Benzedrine because i feel like theyd both kind of be like. the underdogs of the suitehearts? Like they both have their own thing going on sometimes with crab being a zonerunner and donnie being a busy mechanic and not having met donnie until later like benze they wouldnt have bonded as much and i also hc Donnie as like distant? Like eventually thatd change but i think it takes Donnie like years to fully come around to them all. By then crab and her could be super close but i just dont think donnie would hold as big a candle compared to benze or sandman in crabs mind in the theoretical suitehearts split thing. Anyway can you tell I'm normal about them.

#uhhh i could probably think of more i could definitely think of more but im done for now 👍 #americas suitehearts #benzedrine's monster #horseshoe crab

[lion-buddy]

Hey! I love your blog :)

Can you go into detail about why Nezuko is your favorite character?

oohhh. ive been, enabled.

Ty anon

Just to begin, nezukos design already checks a lot of boxes for me:

- multi colored hair 

- purple/pink/orange/red color scheme (she looks like a sunset :]) 

- The long socks/legs wraps (idk the correct term sry)

- Fangs and claws and cat eyes >:3c

- Star-like pattern on her kimono 

     I also really like her voice. (Tho I Adore all the voice acting in kny. It never misses) I think Akari Kito does a really good job at differentiating her human and demon mannerisms, even if most of the time it’s just conveyed through muffled hums and grunts. She does an amazing job where it really counts ESPECIALLY especially especially in ep 7 season 2. Not to fangirl but Oh my god I don’t think I’ve ever anticipated anything more in my life. You have No idea how excited I was for the ep to drop. Every week I was just counting down the eps, trying to predict what weekend it release. And it was so worth the wait. It was. SO GOOD. The animation was amazing, the score never missed a beat (i already have a whole ramble talking abt the ost in that one scene), and the voice acting was perfect on all ends. I will always love how Akari Kito lowered her voice to better fit the berserker nezuko persona. I love how ufotable added these nice little details that helped each scene transition so nicely. The sound design was so good. Words cant describe how much adrenaline was running through my body while watching all that! And I know that sounds weird, being that excited abt a single ep, but I had been waiting for that for years dude. And, the idea that it would drop almost didn’t seem real. Nezuko vs Daki is probably one of my favorite fights in the series! From the initial reveal to when nezuko falls asleep, I adore the way it develops nezuko and tackles the issues around being a demon that I was hoping would be addressed! How despite her initial intentions, strong emotions can block out reason and thought, and cause yourself to become blindsided from logic. And in this case, it let’s her demonic tendencies take control. It’s. SO INTERESTING AHH. 

and while i love all that potential for her character set up that ep, i don’t like how berserker Nezuko was handled later. As in how after the RLD arc, berserker nezuko is not really addressed again despite what almost happened. And when she does come back she’s perfectly fine and in complete control and tanjiro doesn’t seem worried at all despite the fact that the last time he saw his sister like that he had to restrain her from trying to eat someone. But never mind that, I don't want to be bitter. My point is that I really really like that ep and what it sets up for nezukos character (even if what was set up was not acted upon as much as I hoped it would be later) and it will always have a special place in my heart.

     And on the topic of fights, I also think her fighting style is super cool and fun to watch (and this is aided by the beautiful animation). It helps her stand out from the rest of the cast in which a majority fight with swords. And, I also think her not talking is an important character trait.  Because with a main cast of 4, 3 of which are all varying levels of loud, having nezuko not talk helps her stand out in a group that is constantly yelling. And all of this holds up for me despite having an au entirely focused on if she could talk. that is purely for my self indulgence <:D. 

      Ok so. Want to address something that is always kinda a constant “Elephant in the Room” for me because, as a character in the story of kny, if I’m being honest with myself, most of my interest in nezuko doesn’t come from the actual story we’re given. Hell, my favorite dynamic is the nezuko and makomo friendship we see in the side series and it’s not even canon nor ever could be :,) (read kimetsu academy). Dont get me wrong tho, i get so happy any time i see nezuko. i cant think of a moment in the series where i wasn't happy to see her on screen. But, compared to other characters, especially as secondary main character, her development is harder to follow. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any tho, she’s just kinda, sidelined. And since she doesn’t speak, it means development she does get isn’t spoken, which I think is both consistent with her character while also being sort of a detriment. 

     Ok so, initially this next section was a 5+ paragraph ramble that I decided was too negative to keep in and could honestly be it’s own post. and on top of all that was. kinda hard to follow. I don’t want this to be a critique of the series, I want it to be abt why I like it :D. So to put this short a sweet, a lot of questions i had weren’t given a lot of attention. Or, weren’t always handled amazingly <:). i.e Berserker Nezuko.  because the thing is, Nezukos story has a really really intriguing beginning. You're left there asking so many questions. Is nezuko going to be able to stay in control of herself? How is she going to ensure that? Can she talk without the muzzle? How is Tanjiro going to handle not being able to interact with his sister? How is she going to react to other people? How are they going to turn her human? Does she need to eat? Does she remember what happened to her family? 

   So asking all this, a lot of my thoughts are more inspired by what could have been, or trying to interpret or expand on moments we are given. And, fun fact, on the side Ive actually been taking the time to write out and reason why nezuko is the way she is because I’m. Just like that I guess! Not everything needs an answer, but I like to try and connect dots where I can and come up with an answer myself. Cuz something I always address when talking abt nezuko was how underutilized she was. And while just spatting a doc full of head-cannon info is one thing, (which will probably never see the light of day because. My god that thing is a transcription directly from my under stimulated school brain and is therefore incomprehensible) it’s more fun to think abt this info being conveyed through the story. And on that note, here are a few plot points that the series sets up that I think could have been neat and given Nezuko more meaningful screen time!

- more talk with Tamayo and demon biology. I think it’s super interesting and could lead to some interesting conversation and an explanation for beserker Nezuko. (Because if I’m genuinely bitter abt anything it’s the beserker nezuko plot line). I also like Tamayo and sad we didn’t get see her that much. Tanjiro is the Concerned Older Brother I and I feel he would have questions to ask, especially after the RDL arc. 

- More downtime focus between her and tanjiro. (This is a Big one for me I think abt it A Lot). We get hints of it like after Mugen Train and I think could have been really interesting to see how the two communicate despite their circumstances. we also get a bit between them in the side stories with that flower short and i literally cried when i read that. :’) i want more content of them so badly 

- A nezuko arc that covers the time when tanjiro and the rest of the gang are recovering from the events of the entertainment district. I wanna know what was she up to! (I do have wip a comic written and sketched abt this exact question but. Motivation is a bitch </3)

- Nezuko and zenitsu. I’m so sad the anime cut what little bit we had in the manga I wanna see them hanging out in a flower field being friends. It would make their end game seem more, natural, seeing we don’t get a lot of content about them vibing sunrise countdown.  - More interaction with the pillars. Maybe not with nezuko specifically but I just want more pillar content outside of battle, maybe with some focus on the enigma that is Nezuko. how having a demon in the corps affects their moral codes a whatnot.  

- I wanna see Inosuke and Nezuko fight together. I feel their fighting styles would complement each other well

- NEZUKO AND GENYA. The two foils should have been allowed to interact together after the swordsmith village. It could give Nezuko an opportunity to talk more now that she can. I feel nezuko and Genya are really similar not just in abilities (and yknow. Being foils and all) but personality. It could be an opportunity for her to finally share how she feels about being a demon with someone who also knows how it feels. There’s. SO much potential ough. 

(i would expand on these ideas myself in this post but my brain does not organize like that so </3. i love to think abt nezuko as a character A Lot, but putting those thoughts down in a coherent manner takes a lot of effort for me, so if i ever do they would be their own posts.)     

but either way, I go crazy when people make Nezuko content especially around concepts like these. they are so much fun to interact with. But. Yeah, Nezuko gets side lined a lot in kny, and despite that she’s still my fav because she had so much potential. But kny is a shorter series with not a lot of in-between fluff, especially in the later chapters, so ofc not everything would have time to be addressed. I just think it’s fun to, instead of being upset at this, just make what I wanted to see, and look for content by others to see how they interpret the character. Because people have such good ideas. there are a lot of cool people in this fandom and I’m happy to be apart of it :D

#organizing this was. really difficult!! #it took forever but i think i need to stop messing with it and let it loose in the tags #be freeee #kny #demon slayer #Kimetsu no Yaiba #nezuko #lion speaks #ask #anon #lion art

[v-arbellanaris]

some ~critical~ thoughts on my exp with pillars so far under the cut for negativity ig

so i gave up on pillars (for now?) and i might pick it up again later but right now, i'm really, really frustrated with it. i'm really stressed out, and frankly, upset. i'm not having a good time playing it, and every attempt to just stick it out is making me MORE frustrated and upset. the "tutorial" barely did anything, i'm still incredibly lost most of the time for combat. and idk, i dont wanna just say the combat system is garbage, but if i've been playing it for a week, and it's still really difficult to navigate or play, i have to wonder at the "mystery" behind it. like why make it so impossible to play the game, why make it so difficult to figure out the combat system, why isn't there an actual tutorial or actual helpful instructions on the system??? i'm playing on EASY because a) new combat system and b) i want to know more about the story but i just keep getting bogged down by all these stupid encounters that KO multiple party members, even when i have the chara ai switched on and everything, and it's really aggravating and upsetting. i explicitly DID NOT sign up for a hard time, so why am i getting a hard time from the game???

it's also not super RSI friendly to me? the amount of clicks i would have to go through just to cast a spell or cast a healing spell is absurd - i have pause, then click the character, strain to click the tiny thing in the corner of their character portrait to pull up their abilities, find the ability, aim it, etc etc. and presumably there's an easier way to do this but - you guessed it! there's no tutorial on how to do it. i had to fucking google how to select my whole party at once because it's not intuitive and i had to manually click each character AND their summons to move them. it made my RSI flare up so badly a few days ago that i couldn't use my arm at all that whole day.

and finally, it's really hard to get into the story for me because it's so, so heavily text-based. there's a lot of dialogue, there's a lot of descriptions around the dialogue - and there's some conversations you can't revisit so you just miss key details. i don't feel like i know anything about the companions, or feel particularly close to them - i don't even really feel all that much interest in my pc - and the amount of text to read per conversation really really bogs me down; there's a lot to read and a lot to process, to the point of it being overwhelming. going into the cyclepedia or whatever doesn't help me, i feel like information is scattered everywhere and there's so much that it's difficult for me to filter it. ive played text-based games before, so i know it's not a problem with the text, but it feels like it's not anchored in anything and it's really difficult for me to process it. i can't remember specific conversations with my companions - only some lines are voiced, and others are not, and there's no way for me to anchor those specific conversations in more memorable lines or anything like that. i remember a few of eder's ambient dialogue, because it's funny or witty or interesting, but i can't recall what the other party members have said or remarked???

and i think that really sums up my experience with this game so far; it's too overwhelming, and it feels like the game really does not want me to play it, it's made for other people and at times it feels like actively hostile to players like me, who are not familiar with the system. idk, i know loads of people enjoy this game, so there's obviously good things about it, but this feels really unwelcoming to my adhd and my RSI, and i'm upset bc i wanted to have a good time playing and i didn't. i bought both games during the autumn sale, and i cannot get through the first one. i feel like i spent so much money on a game i can't even enjoy playing (because i've been trying, thinking it's a scaling issue and maybe after i'm a couple of levels in, this will stop happening. im at level 5, and it's still happening, and i'm STILL lost) and i'm really upset abt it

#vee plays pillars

[spade-club]

Okay big mental breakdown incoming so like, trigger warning, for everything

I keep panicking and looking to my left because thats where I used to keep things I could hurt myself with. Ive also had a lot of soft relapses lately, none of the usual things but just resorting to pain to feel better in general. I know this is like, just how summer goes for me, not sure exactly why that is?? Ive been trying to figure that one out for years, but I dont remember much at all about my summers growing up, and in later years its been a better time because my friends didnt have school. Its not like theres a good reason for this to be the time it worsens?? Idk, but summer is ending now and its still bad, getting worse. I'm really scared its going to start up again, I'm also really scared someone is going to do something drastic and I just... idk. Its more possible now than it ever has been because I've always been caught up in "if I kill myself it has to be the right way" and until recently there was something wrong with all of them!! Now I literally have a plan. And I've known about this plan for months. But theres nothing I can do to stop it. I also am too scared to be put in a ward or something but I also think like. How am I supposed to know if I'll need to until its too late? And involuntary hold sounds like it would be literal hell for me and make things a thousand percent worse if that happened, which is all the more encouragement to go through with it when I know no one will be able to save me. Idk, its like. Really fucking hard to figure out what to do. Right now I'm like. I want every possible outcome all at once right now. I want to hurt, I want to die, I want to live. Its so overwhelming. I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this. I dont know what to do. Whats wrong with me? Am I going to be okay?? I dont want to. I dont want not to. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to do.

#I wrote all of this out and immediately feel stable but I know I'm not #idk its just. a lot of feelings going on right now I guess #I'm sure I'll be alright. i always am. its just like... hard and I want attention but I can't talk about anything else #also specification. I used the word I the whole time but I just kinda mean the amalgamation of all the thoughts and feelings in all of me #I'm aware theres alter shit going on here I'm just a lot of different things at once and it's too hard to distinguish any of it