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milla-frenchy · 3 months

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3k3 | Javier Peña x reader ; Steve Murphy x reader Summary: Javi walks away from you, and you don't know how to handle the situation anymore Warnings: 18+ mdni. Infidelity, angst, light dacryphilia, oral (f/m), masturbation (m), piv. No age specified. a/n: as always, thank you so much Kate @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog for correcting me, and for the last minutes adjustments 💕🫶 Follow @millafics and turn notifications on for fics updates The tittle is from some lyrics of Affection by Between friends ao3 | masterlist

Steve looked at his partner. They had worked together for years and had faced the worst. They had supported each other every time Escobar had escaped from them, every time they had found themselves in the ambassador's office. They had spent countless evenings in bars. And despite everything, Steve couldn't help but betray him.

You had met Connie while working at the same clinic as her, and you two quickly got along well. You were both American, and your situation as expatriates and partners of DEA agents had brought you together. The four of you, with Javi and Steve, had become quite close, often going out to bars or restaurants, or had dinners at home. You really liked Steve. Since then, Connie had left, and Steve was your only friend in Bogota. You often confided in him when you felt the need and supported him as well since he was alone.

One evening, you went to his house, worried and jaded, because Javi was moving further and further away from you. Or rather, from anything that wasn't related to his job.

Escobar was an obsession and Carillo's murder had broken something in him. He stayed later in the bars, and when he came home, he smelled of whisky and frustration. You tried to help him, to talk about it, but he kept getting more and more withdrawn. You no longer waited for him to go to bed, and he no longer woke you up as often as before when he came home in the early morning. For a long time before, you had loved feeling him lying between your thighs while you were barely awake, covering you with kisses, flooding you with his “mmmm… cariño, I missed you so much today. You missed this cock?” as you would respond with “oh god, Javi, yes! Yes, fuck me, please.” And he would sink into you, making you scream on his shaft, to the point where sometimes he had to cover your mouth with his hand, to prevent the neighbors from pounding on the apartment door, while he was pounding you on the bed.

He had never got tired of eating your pussy, but now he dove between your thighs less and less. He even asked you to get up, one evening when you knelt between his knees to blow him, to make him forget everything else.

It was that evening that you left, first driving through the streets of Bogota. And without really realizing it, you found yourself in front of Steve's house, hesitant before knocking on the door. You told him everything, no longer holding back your tears.

Steve hesitated before hugging you. “Fuck,” he thought. He wasn't going to leave you like that, without consoling you, when you already felt rejected at home. Your cries gradually gave way to sniffles, and his cock twitched. “Fuck,” he thought a second time. He wanted to turn slightly away, not wanting you to notice his bulge. But you clung to him reflexively, afraid he would move away, and he felt you freeze.

“I’m sorry, I…” he started to say.

You looked up at him, and both of you lost your mind. Your wet eyes made him lose his mind. A moment, frozen in time, turned into a searing kiss, so impatient and urgent, that none of you stopped while you undressed. He held you close to have your bare skin against his, your breasts against his torso. And finally, you looked at each other. A moment in time, wondering if you were really going to cross that line. Steve broke the silence, asking “what do you want, baby?”

“Wanna feel you Steve. Please. Make me feel something.”

He nodded and grabbed your hand, leading you to the couch, where he asked you to lie down. Kneeling on the floor, he took off your panties, so slowly that you felt yourself melt, and he spread your thighs to open you up for him. The moonlight was illuminating the room, and he looked at your body. He placed his hand on your cheek, and slid it gently down your neck, between your breasts, and watched your nipples harden after his touch. His breathing accelerated, while his hand continued to move down, to your belly that he caressed, then your crotch. He placed his hand flat on your pussy and felt your warmth against his palm. You arched your back, feeling him against you, seeing his gaze on you. He wanted you, he really wanted you, and you no longer knew what it felt like, until now, on his couch. You realized how much you missed it.

He moved his thumb up along your folds, after having covered it with your wetness, until he reached your clit that he gently caressed. He looked at your body and your skin, the way your hairs stood up under his touch. Your back arched again, when his mouth covered your pussy. He licked delicately between your folds, feeling you flinch against his tongue, and took your hand in his. As if to reassure you, or to reassure himself, he didn’t know. His heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was going to explode.

His tongue entered you further, licking up all the wetness that flowed from your core. He sometimes felt it dripping from his chin, and became more and more intoxicated by you, his nose brushing perfectly against your clit. Your free hand squeezed one of your breasts, and you matched the movements of your hips with his tongue, rolling them against him.

Steve pushed two fingers into your pussy and slid his tongue up to your clit. He looked at you, as the tip tickled where his nose was a few seconds ago. Your eyes were closed, and this vision of you, lit by the moon, made him obsessed. He kept fingering you, slowly, and then placed his lips around your clit, sucking gently, and you moaned. He pulled his fingers out and stroked himself with your wetness, before he started gently jerking his hard as steel cock, matching his rhythm to his tongue, now swirling on your clit.

He parted his lips for a few seconds, still fucking you with his fingers, and said “I ain’t gonna fuck you. Ain’t gonna cross that line. But you’re gonna cum on my tongue.” His tongue on you again, he squeezed your hand tighter, and his wrist tightened on his shaft too.

“Steve…”

“I know, baby, I know. I can feel it coming. Let it happen, baby. Let go for me.”

Yet, he couldn't stop himself from moving his tongue from your clit to your folds, even though he knew it delayed your orgasm. He wanted to lick all your wetness coming out of your soaked hole. To eat you all. Until you grabbed his head with your hand, making him keep his tongue on your clit.

“Wanna come Steve, please. Please, make me come.”

He squeezed your hand tighter, jerked himself harder, his tongue now focusing on your clit. He heard you moan louder, and your hips tilted up towards his mouth. You tensed one last time as your orgasm hit you, and he came as you said his name, sending his cum all over his thighs and on the couch.

He caressed the soft skin of your belly, until your breathing finally calmed and returned to normal, occasionally lapping at your pussy, still thirsty for your taste. He stopped before overstimulating you, and you sat up. He reached up and kissed you, running his hand along your cheek.

When you went back home, Javi was sleeping. You slipped into the sheets, very carefully, so as not to wake him up. Guilt started twisting your stomach. He placed his hand on your belly in his sleep, and your throat tightened.

The days passed without anything changing between Javi and you. You tried not to think too much about that night at Steve’s. Javi had told you that things had been a bit tense between them, and that they had come to blows.

You and Steve hadn't seen each other again, until the day when you were waiting for Javi in your car, in the DEA parking lot. He walked over to you when he saw you, and asked kindly how you were going. You smiled shyly at him, telling him that it was pretty much okay. But it wasn’t, and he knew it. Javi arrived, and Steve wished you a good evening as he left for his car.

You came home, and the evening passed almost in silence. You looked at Javi, his eyebrows furrowed. You were both so close and so far away, a distance that seemed insurmountable. When you were ready to go to bed, he took his jacket and told you he was going out. The door closed behind him and for two minutes you stood at the bedroom door. “Fuck you, Javi”, you thought, grabing your jacket and slamming the door behind you when you left the appartment.

“What happened?” Steve asked when he opened the door.

“He fucking left. I was going to bed, and he told me he was going out.”

You took your pack of cigarettes and lit one, before sitting down on the couch next to him. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Steve. I understand your job is stressful, I really do. And this fucking Escobar is always getting away. But I would like to be there to help him, you know? I can help him more than the whiskey he drinks in bars.”

You shook your head and tears gathered at the corner of your eyes but you quickly wiped them away.

“Javi told me you two had a fight. What happened?"

“Photos that I kept in the office ended up in the wrong hands. I thought Javi had leaked them.”

“Steve, come on. You know he’d never do that to you.”

“Yeah, like he would never think I’d - ” He cut himself off before finishing his sentence, shaking his head without looking at you, but you knew too well what he was thinking. You lit a second cigarette, immediately after putting out the first.

“Why did you react like that? And cut the crap.”

In a low voice, he said “you know why.” He looked at you and it made you regret asking. There was too much affection in his eyes.

“Because I care about you. Because you’re not happy. Because if we were together I wouldn’t be in a bar right now.”

You frowned when you heard his words. “Fuck. I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry.”

You got up and went to the window.

“Have you heard from Connie?”

“No. She’s been very clear last time. We're taking a break, at best. At worst, it's over.”

He joined you by the window, walking silently with his bare feet, and told you that maybe you should go home, that Javi might be worried. You nodded and brushed past him on your way to the front door but he grabbed your wrist. You stayed like that, side by side, without daring to look at each other for a few seconds, his hand frozen on your wrist.

“Tell me you want me to leave,” you whispered.

“I don’t want you to leave”, he replied.

A few seconds passed before you spoke again, telling him that Javi and you hadn't had sex, since the other night. You turned to him, knowing you shouldn’t have told him that but unable to resist either. You added, “I guess he didn’t want to. Neither did I. Was thinking about you.” Your voice was nothing more than a thin trickle that he could barely hear.

This time you didn't hold back the tears that were rolling on your cheeks. His cock got hard, and he couldn’t help but stare into your watery eyes.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to not go further than last time, you know…”

“Well I don’t think I want you to stop, Steve.”

You pressed yourself against him, your crotch against his, and you gasped when you felt his cock against you. His hands rested on your cheeks as your starving lips devoured each other, and your tongues mingled. Your hands were pressed against his back to hold him against you.

Still kissing him, your hands finally slid up to the nape of his neck and you heard him growl in your ear. You continued to roam his body, your hands slowly moving down his torso. You barely touched him the night before and this time you wanted to feel him under your fingers. You wanted to feel his skin and imprint the sensation in your mind. When your hands reached his waist, you pressed his body against yours and feeling his bulge made you moan into his mouth.

You slipped your hand in his sweatpants. All you wanted was to touch his cock, to feel every inch of him. Delicately, you took it in your hand before taking it out, then you slid his sweatpants down his thighs, and removed them entirely, while you knelt before him.

“You don’t have to….but shit, yeah…wanna feel your lips on my cock.”

You could see his cock in the shadow of the moon, and it was gorgeous. Long and thick, slightly curved. You ran your thumb over the slit, spreading the precum on the tip, before looking up at him and sucking your finger.

“Fuck, babe”, he said, and you smiled. You wanted to please him, and knowing that he wanted you, was craving you, made you drool even more in your panties. You took his tip in your mouth, your tongue gently swirling around its slit. Your hand squeezed his cock and your thumb caressed one of his balls. Your lips rounded around his shaft, your tongue pressed against his skin, you applied yourself to suck him, feeling him shiver in your mouth. When you were able to take him fully into your mouth, you stopped at the base of his shaft, letting his tip wiggle against the back of your throat. You heard him groan, as his hand squeezed your shoulder, and he whispered “wait, sugar please, uh…It's been a while since... this and I ain’t gonna last if you keep doin’ this.”

You stood up and he covered your cheeks with his hands, searching for your lips then your tongue hungrily, before grabbing your ass with his hands and pressing you against him. Then his fingers fought against the buttons of your blouse as you pulled his t-shirt over his head. When he took off your clothing, you wanted to unhook your bra, but he stopped you, saying "no lemme... lemme look at you. Please."

His voice was wavering and on the verge of breaking. You let your arms fall to your sides, while he ran his fingers from your neck to the roundness of your breasts, taking them in his hand while following their shape. He unhooked your bra, and his thumbs caressed your nipples, so delicately that they became even harder. His gaze left your breasts to meet yours, and all you saw was the fire burning there. He knelt down to remove your shoes, pants and panties, and he kissed your mound, making your clit twitch instantly as the memory of the previous night hadn't left you. His tongue slipped between your folds, and he groaned as he felt your wetness, his hands clenching on your ass. But quickly he stood up, and said “I need to fuck you baby, or I’m gonna lose my damn mind”, and you knew he meant it, deep inside.

Kissing you, he led you to his bed, where you lay on your back. Steve asked, “spread your legs for me” but he couldn’t wait and gently pushed them apart with his knee before settling between your thighs. He waited for a few seconds, searching for your eyes, but quickly grabbed his cock and pushed it into your entrance, as if he was afraid that you would change your mind, or scared to read the doubt in your eyes. He ran his hand over your cheek while you got used to his girth, but your need to feel him was too strong. Too urgent. You grabbed his ass to press him against you and moved your pelvis towards him, fucking yourself on his cock.

“Fuck, baby what ya doin’? Gonna hurt yourself.”

“I wanna feel you. Please, let me do it. Don’t let go of me, I can take it.”

“Ok ok, I won’t, I’m right here. I’m with you.” His eyebrows furrowed looking at you, as you couldn’t help but gasp, feeling every inch of his cock spreading your folds, but you wanted to feel him more, always more. Until he was balls deep inside you. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he pulled back before thrusting in again, pounding you into the mattress with slow but deep strokes. You didn’t take your eyes off each other, except for the rare moments where he kissed your forehead or your lips, his hand caressing your cheek.

And you had forgotten it, this feeling. Of being desired, wanted. Your own desire to melt into someone else. He was giving you all of this in this moment, and you felt your heart flutter, as you were drinking up this long-forgotten feeling. Your hips now accompanied his, as if in a dance, as if you knew each other for years, intimately. But you didn’t, and it heightened your feelings tenfold. Your eyes were fixed on his, and you read in his furrowed eyebrows and his stare, the same perplexity that seized him, about your proximity.

“Fuck… yeah, keep moving your hips like this. Shit… gonna cum if you keep goin’, baby.”

“I won’t stop”, you murmured and stroked his biceps, then squeezed them with your hands to prevent him from escaping from your embrace.

“I need you to come, baby. Need to feel your pussy clench my cock,” he added, pressing his torso to yours, and you started to rub your clit against him. His face buried in your neck, and his hand resting on your cheek, he continued to fuck you, at a very slow pace this time, and you whimpered, “Steve, I’m so close…” just before you came on his shaft. “Fuck, baby… you’re coming so hard for me,” he managed to mumble. “Where do you want me?”

“Inside”, you breathed out. He didn't ask if you were sure, he knew you were. “Look at me…fuck, you’re takin’ me so good”, he groaned just before pulsing inside you. And you hugged him as tight as you were able to, already dreading his pulling away from you. Once you milked his cock, you felt his body relax over yours and he kissed your neck. You lay against each other without speaking, your fingers running up and down his forearm. When you sat up a few minutes later, he slipped his arms through an old shirt that he probably wore to sleep, without putting it on, and as you were about to get out of bed he pulled it over your head, to hold you against him. You looked at each other but it created a lump in your throat. “What now?”, you thought.

“What are we gonna do, Steve?”

“I don’t know, baby”, he replied, shaking his head slowly.

He released you and you got dressed, holding back the tears that appeared in the corners of your eyes.

When you got back to the apartment, Javi was lying on the couch smoking a cigarette, and he stood up looking at you with a worried look.

“Where have you been, cariño? I was worried.”

“Went out to get some fresh air. I’m going to bed, Javi.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I know I'm not there for you like I should be. But I will try, I promise.”

You nodded and went to bed, and as you lay there, his torso against your back, you hoped he wouldn't slip his hand into your panties, as Steve's cum was still dripping lightly from your pussy.

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buckychristwrites · 10 months

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Could This Be | Chap. Seven | j.t.

Pairing: Jamie Tartt x F!Reader

Summary: One minute, you're single and working for AFC Richmond as the team's medic. The next minute, you're in a fake relationship with the team's handsome striker who you know next to nothing about.

Word Count: 3.9k

Warnings: Discussions of Previous Emotional & Physical Domestic Violence. Cussing. Fake Dating

A/N: Just a lil chapter. I hope you guys enjoy :)

Masterlist | Could This Be Masterlist | Main Blog

The last week had been a lot, to say the least.

Work had been average, but it was outside of work that had been hectic. With the bomb Jamie had dropped about the movie premiere, you found yourself in a rush to get a proper outfit. From the details you got from Keeley, it was necessary to dress up, but not necessarily in a completely formal fashion. It took the better part of the week, but you eventually found a dress that you deemed appropriate. It took up a majority of your free time, stressing over this stupid event that you didn’t even really want to go to.

Which brought you to this moment, in the car next to Jamie, on the way to the premiere of a movie that you didn’t even know the title of. All you knew about it was that it centred around European football, which meant many big name players were invited, including all of the AFC Richmond players.

It wasn’t until Jamie gently pulled at your hands that you noticed you were picking at your fingernails.

“Ya alright?”

The sudden contact was only jarring for a brief second, but you were becoming accustomed to the touches from Jamie. From cheek kisses to hand holding, they were all becoming part of the routine when around people, but the consequence of that was that the behaviour bled into the moments alone. So much so, in fact, that you weren’t being as strict with making him follow the rule of letting you know before he touched you. For the most part, though, he still did.

“Just anxious.”

You knew that he knew better. He saw it in the way you flinched when he had told you that many Premier League players, current and former, would be at this movie premiere. He saw it in the panic you had shown all week in regards to the topic. And he could see it now, as you sat tense in the seat. You hadn’t outright said anything about it, but the closer the two of you got to the theatre, the more fear and unease filled your chest.

Your fingers were still tenderly held in his. With your tongue pressed hard into your cheek, you were having a hard time looking at him, opting instead to continue staring out the window.

“Hey.”

Letting out a sigh, you finally looked over at him. Underneath his deep blue blazer was a white button up shirt, the top few buttons undone and the collar looking sloppy. But he looked striking in

It. You knew the whole night would be filled with everyone struggling for his attention.

But in this moment, it was all on you, as he leaned his head forward to make sure you were looking right into his eyes before saying, “It’s me and ya. I won’t let anythin’ happen to ya.” When you didn’t immediately respond, he raised his eyebrows.

You didn’t need him to say it. You already knew that much.

The theatre arrived faster than you were prepared for, and before you knew it, the car came to a complete stop. Through the tinted windows, you could see the crowd of people filling the red carpet with a swarm of cameras, photo and video alike, trying to capture every moment. As the driver climbed out of the car, you felt your heart in your throat. Jamie gave you one last look.

“Ready?” It was a whisper. You nodded.

“I am.”

The door opened, and you were suddenly blinded by the flashing of cameras that flooded the world around you. Once Jamie climbed out of the car, you were then deafened by the screams coming from fans, who were barricaded along the sidelines.

Jamie turned, giving you a loving smile and an outstretched hand. Only for a few seconds did you hesitate before you placed your hand in his and climbed out of the car. A moment was needed for your eyes to adjust, but once you could see again, you allowed yourself to have a proper look around.

Over the years, you had watched many movie premieres on the telly, or online. But being on the red carpet yourself was another experience in itself. The feeling was incredibly surreal. Celebrities that you had watched on the big screen surrounded you. Paparazzi were taking pictures of Jamie, but with you pressed into his side, they were also taking pictures of you. Jamie turned his head so his lips were just millimetres from your ear.

“You gotta smile.”

Without intending to, the words made you laugh. When you turned to look at Jamie, he was laughing as well. The flashes from the cameras were so bright that for a period of time, the only thing you could see was Jamie’s laughing face, eyes like crescent moons.

He led you down the carpet as you tried not to look at any of the video cameras that were following his every move. You kept close to him, the smell of his cologne overpowering everything else. In the near distance, photographers were shouting Jamie’s name, demanding his attention. He continued to walk though, with his hand pressed to the small of your back. An area was set up specifically for posing for photos, and Jamie approached the area to wait.

“Do you want me to wait elsewhere?” You asked him, pointing to the other side. He looked at you like you had grown three heads.

“Why would ya do that?” He asked. You put your hands together.

“So you can get your picture taken…” He waved a hand.

“Oh no,” He said, wrapping his arm around you and pulling you close. “You’re taking pictures with me.” The surprise filled your face.

“Why?”

He leaned in close to your ear again before whispering, “Gotta include me girlfriend, yeah?”

Your cheeks grew very hot, and stayed that way up until Jamie and yourself made your way in front of the photo backdrop of the movie logo and other sponsor names. The yelling began immediately, begging Jamie to make specific poses or to turn in their direction. You plastered the best, most natural smile onto your face.

“Jamie! Jamie, over here!”

“Give us a smoulder, Tartt!”

“Can we get one by yourself? Step aside, love!”

“Nope!” Jamie called, that being the only comment he responded to. “She’s not goin’ anywhere. So fuck off.”

He turned to face you, his smile wide. It was hard not to return it. Though you weren’t in love with your photo being taken, it wasn’t as bad in this moment, with him by your side.

You couldn’t help but stare into his eyes, as they twinkled in the light. God, is he fucking handsome.

“I can go, if you want,” You said quietly. He shook his head.

“I want ya here.”

The warmth in your cheeks deepened. The photographers were long forgotten about, as the two of you opted to continue to look at each other. Jamie’s smile faltered slightly, his eyes dropping down your face.

“Give us a kiss!” A photographer shouted. The other photographers chimed in with the same sentiments.

It must’ve been the adrenaline, or maybe it was the fact that you were already looking at him, and he was already looking at you, with his eyes bouncing between your eyes and your mouth. But whatever it was, without hesitation, you leaned forward and planted your lips against his. You expected him to recoil, to even pull away, but instead, he brought his hand up to your head, his fingers curling into your hair as his thumb pressed against your cheek.

A chorus of “Oooooooooooo”s came from behind. Jamie smiled against your lips before slowly pulling away. A laugh broke through your mouth as the two of you were swarmed by the other members of AFC Richmond. Sam and Dani grabbed Jamie’s shoulders, excitedly shaking him as Colin, Richard, Isaac, Bumbercatch, Jan Maas, Coach Beard, Roy, and Nate Shelley all surrounded the two of you. It was hard to be upset over the ruined moment when you were surrounded by so much excitement and love, but then it dawned on you: the moment you just experienced? It wasn’t real. There was nothing to be upset about.

So why were you so upset about it anyway?

The cameras were really going off now, the yelling even more intense now that there was a whole crowd of people in the shot and not just two. It was hard not to feel slightly overwhelmed by the whole thing, but you smiled anyway.

“First red carpet, yeah?” Isaac asked you, pulling your attention from the cameras. You nodded. His smile only grew wider.

“It’s weird, innit?” Colin asked. It was clear by his expression that he was sensing your discomfort. You let out a laugh at his question.

“Weird is a bit of an understatement.” You felt like you were living someone else’s life. In their shoes, in their dress, on the arm of their man. But you couldn’t very well tell them that, could you?

As the team began to disperse again, a voice called out from behind you.

“Richmond. My friends.”

Your blood ran cold, feet frozen to the ground below them.

Jamie turned when he realised you weren’t with him, a smile still on his face. When he looked at your expression, it instantly vanished.

“What’s wrong?”

“I- I have to-” You stammered, your eyes wild as they searched for an exit. When they found a bathroom, you pointed in its direction. “I’ll be-” You couldn’t even finish your sentence, the air trapped in your throat as you rushed away. The world around you began to spin, your ears feeling like they were filling with water. You thought you heard someone call your name, but you continued towards the bathroom.

When you entered, you shut the door behind you before throwing the lock. You didn’t even realise how nauseous you were until you were falling in front of the toilet, dry heaving without anything coming up. The pounding in your chest was like a drum. On the other side of the door, you could hear someone knocking loudly, but the panic stopped you from moving.

He’s here.

He’s fucking here.

You knew there was a chance, a high one, that you would see him. But now the moment had arrived, and your mind and body weren’t anywhere near ready.

You’re safe.

You’re fucking safe.

Jamie won’t let anything happen to you.

Slowly straightening, you turned to face yourself in the mirror. The tears were streaming down your face, and you were thankful for waterproof mascara and setting spray at this moment. Carefully, you took a paper towel and dabbed at your cheeks until the dampness was gone. The pounding on the door continued, and you could hear Jamie calling your name. Sighing at your reflection, you gave yourself a nod before heading to the door. Shaky fingers unlocked the door before pushing it open.

“What’s happened?” Jamie asked, rounding on you the second you walked through the door. You opened your mouth to speak as his hands reached for you, holding your head on either side as he searched your eyes.

“Jamie-”

“Jamie Tartt.”

You closed your eyes.

Pulling away from you, Jamie turned towards the source of the voice.

“Zava,” He said.

Opening your eyes, you were greeted by the face that had haunted you for over a year. His long hair was pulled back, as it always was, and he was dressed in a cream coloured suit with a white undershirt. His eyes were trained on Jamie, as if he didn’t yet notice the presence next to him. You cowered behind Jamie, trying to remain unseen.

“How are you, my tiny friend?” Zava asked, holding his hand out for Jamie, who stared at it for a moment before taking it in his.

“Don’t recall us bein’ friends, exactly.”

You pressed your lips together at the bluntness of the statement. Everyone in AFC Richmond knew how much Jamie hated Zava, and it was never appreciated by you more than it was at this moment.

“Nice to see ya, mate,” Jamie said, in a clear closing of the conversation, before turning back to you. You watched Zava intently, waiting for him to leave. He turned to walk away, but at the last possible second, his eyes met yours, causing him to pause.

Your name rolled off his tongue, and your entire world felt like it was going up in flames.

Jamie’s expression changed from annoyance to dumbfounded as he turned back to look at Zava. He was forgotten by Zava now, however, as his attention was completely on you.

“You look lovely tonight,” He said quietly, taking a step towards you. Instinct had you taking a step away, your eyes jumping back to Jamie.

“What-” He said quietly, tilting his head further to understand. Lips pressed together in an effort not to cry, you reached forward and took Jamie’s hand in yours, giving it a squeeze. He stared at the contact, subconsciously entwining the fingers as everything came together in his mind.

The transition from confusion to realisation was a painful one to see cross over his face.

Jamie turned to Zava quickly, placing himself directly in front of you, like a shield. His hand, however, was still holding yours.

“Alright, mate,” He said firmly. To anyone who didn’t know Jamie, they wouldn’t hear the anger in his quiet voice. But you did. Part of you was thankful for the public backdrop, or else you wouldn’t know what he would do with it. He began to lead you away, careful to keep himself between you and Zava.

“I’d love to get together sometime,” He called after the two of you, and when you turned, you found his eyes exclusively on you. “For tea. Or dinner, perhaps. To… catch up.” You began to shake your head, but Jamie was faster with the response.

“I don’t think so.”

There wasn’t time for another word to be said, for Jamie turned and walked so quickly down the carpet that you were almost running to keep up with him, mostly in fear of being dragged. He led you inside the building, where people were slowly starting to file in for the start of the movie. Glancing down an empty hall, he pulled you a great distance down and waited a second before turning back to you.

“I’ll kill him.” He sniffed. “Say the word and I’ll kill him.”

There wasn’t an ounce of humour in his voice.

You watched as he ran a hand down his face, before pointing in the direction of the door. His eyes were filled with a fire you had never seen before.

“If that prick eva comes near ya again, I’ll murder him with me bare hands.” He was damn near shouting now, his hands trembling in anger.

You were overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with fear, overwhelmed with anxiety, but in this moment, overwhelmed with something else, too.

Placing your hands on his shoulders, you brought him back to reality. Back to you. He froze, turning to face you once more. You held eye contact for a second before closing the space between yourself and him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and laying your head on his shoulder. A few moments passed before his arms snaked around your torso, burying his face into your shoulder. All you could smell was his cologne, and it was keeping you centred.

“Let’s go watch the movie,” You mumbled. He pulled away, still close as he leaned down and placed his forehead against yours.

“We can leave,” He mumbled. You closed your eyes as he grabbed your fingers and ran his own across them. “If you want. I could take you home.” You shook your head lightly against his.

“Let’s stay.”

He nodded, taking your hand and leading you back down the hallway. You felt lighter in this moment, lighter than you had in a long time. For even with a person who you viewed as a threat being so near, you knew you were safe.

The auditorium was filled by the time the two of you had made your way in. So much so that the only seats were in the back. The two of you sat down, looking around anxiously. A few rows ahead, you could make out the Zava’s outline, making you recoil slightly in your seat.

“Can’t believe you fuckin’ dated him,” Jamie mumbled, as if reading your mind. “Ain’t he married?”

“Divorced now,” You told him. “After she found out about me, of course.” Though you refused to look at him, you could still feel his stare. Your eyes began to well up again as you wondered how Jamie would react to this news. The idea of him view lesser of you was unbearable.

Instead, he took your hand in his again, filling the space between your fingers with his own. It didn’t feel like an act this time (although, it never really did with him). He brought the topside of your hand up to his mouth and gave it a kiss. A flash from the side let you know that someone caught a photo of the moment, but you didn’t turn to confirm it, and neither did he. The lights went out at that moment, the beginning credits starting on the screen. As everyone else applauded in excitement, you turned to face forward, scooting back in your seat and hoping it wasn’t a long one.

It was a long one, unfortunately, for when the credits began to roll and the audience began to applaud, you were being shaken awake by Jamie, your head laying on his shoulder. Disgruntled, you sat up, blindly joining the rest of the crowd as you clapped and hoped that your makeup hadn’t smudged during your accidental nap.

“After party?” Jamie asked as he rose from his seat. Although by his tone, it was clear he already knew your answer. A snort left your mouth as you shook your head.

“If by that you mean me ordering pizza and laying on my couch in my knickers, then yes.”

He pressed his lips together before saying, “Sounds like the kind of after party I’d want to be invited to.”

You didn’t get the chance to respond as you and him got sucked into the crowd exiting the building. He was looking around as if searching for something, finally pulling you in the direction of the bathrooms.

“Be right back,” He said just outside the door, kissing your cheek before disappearing through the bathroom door. You leaned against the wall and watched the people walk by. Celebrities of all statuses passed by without a single glance in your direction. The weirdness of the day fell over you again.

Somewhere amongst the crowd, you heard someone call your name, and when you turned, you saw Dani, Richard, Isaac and Bumbercatch heading towards you. Behind them was Zava, his intense stare making you shrink inside yourself.

“We are going out for drinks and karaoke!” Dani exclaimed excitedly. “Zava’s treat.” You allowed yourself a glance at the retired footballer, before looking back at Dani.

“That sounds fun!” You said, trying not to sound too strained.

“Are you and Tartt comin’?” Richard asked. You inhaled deeply, looking at the bathroom briefly before turning back to him.

“You guys go ahead, I’ll find Jamie.”

They nodded in agreement before wandering off, but it wasn’t lost on you that one of them stayed behind. Zava approached you, making you press your entire body into the wall.

“Please come,” He said in a low voice, his hand reaching up to your cheek. You jerked away, but he still forced his touch against your skin. It began to burn at the contact, and you felt your breathing rate increase. “I am divorced now. We can discuss… us.” You rolled your eyes.

“I’m taken,” You said simply, crossing your arms over your chest. “It’s over.” He let out a loud laugh.

“You can’t possibly think that Tartt is any sort of upgrade.”

“Compared to you? A soggy lunch sack would be an upgrade.”

The both of you turned to see Roy Kent, standing with fists at his sides. Relief overflowed you. Zava swallowed hard.

“This does not involve you, Kent.” Roy shrugged.

“The problem is, I don’t give a fuck,” He said in his most sarcastic voice. You bit back a smile, so grateful for Roy at this moment. The hand dropped from your face, and you felt like you could breathe again. Zava began rounding on Roy, who tipped his chin up towards him.

“What’s going on?”

You turned to see Jamie, who’s eyes were on Zava. Suddenly, he was once again between the two of you.

“Zava here was just leaving,” Roy said, tilting his head towards the doorway as he narrowed his eyes at Zava. Zava looked back at Jamie, who also had fists at the ready by his sides. Though he didn’t have the height that Zava possessed, you knew who would win in a fight, and with Roy by his side? Zava didn’t stand a chance.

Without another glance in your direction, Zava whipped around and stalked out the door. Roy and Jamie stared in that direction until they were sure he wasn’t coming back.

“Thanks, mate,” Jamie said to Roy, who grunted.

“Wasn’t for you.”

You smiled softly.

“Thank you, Roy.”

He nodded, not saying another word before walking off. Jamie sighed sharply before turning back to you.

“Home?” He asked gently. You took his hand in yours. Part of you considered telling him about the afterparty with the team, but, selfishly, you decided not to.

“Please.”

Before you knew it, you were safe in the backseat of the car. A sigh forced it’s way out of your mouth as you laid back in the seat. All of the evening’s anxieties filled your head as your brain finally forced you to feel them all at once. Tears quietly streamed down your face, your eyes trained on the soft roof of the car.

Seeing him… The way he looked at you…

It was too much.

“Hey,” Jamie whispered when he looked at you, turning to face you. Sniffling, you tried to turn your head away from him, but he hooked a finger under your chin and forced you to look at him. Hand on either side of your head, he wiped your tears away. “You’re alright, love.”

Was it him? Was it you? It was hard to say. But somewhere among the tender moment, you found yourself kissing him. The privacy of the back of the car allowed for more passion, more intensity behind the kiss this time. He pulled you out of the lap belt until you were straddling him in his seat. While your hands were still on his face, his found your legs, pushing your dress up your thighs until his fingers were curling around the fabric of the thin thong you wore underneath. Against your thigh, you could feel him grow hard.

The car came to a stop in front of your house, but you barely registered it as your fingers tangled in his hair. He whispered your name against your lips, seeming to pull away, but you desperately leaned forward and caught his mouth against yours once more.

“Stay,” You mumbled between kisses. “Please. Stay."

TAGS

@daffieapple, @my-left-sock, @buckybarnex, @jelleeyfish, @ricciardhoe3, @picked-off-by-barzal, @lilweirdgal, @hotdoglamp, @loveslide, @rosea-h, @13-7-19-67-71. @wickedheartz, @xxenia14, @zazima, @alainabooks143, @geek-and-proud, @imagines-reblogged, @fuckifuckedup, @booklovingduck, @loveforaugust, @f1maverick, @jamieroyjamieroy, @meisterdani, @hanybunch, @batsy-bats1, @brianandthemays, @heletsmelovehim, @breepboopbap, @jellycolors

#jamie tartt #jamie tartt x reader #jamie tartt fanfiction #jamie tartt imagine #tedlassosource #ted lasso fanfiction

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chaotic-orphan · 4 months

Text

Intoxicating Fear (VIII)

A visitor comes a-knocking

Dedicated to @xxgalgurlxx for their lovely comments and to everyone who comments before or enjoys this series! It got number one on the poll on my blog so really, thank you for reading <3 and Happy New Year!

Read part one here

Continued from this part here

*~*~*~*~*

Kit woke to a knock at his door. He ignored it, thinking it was just Ambrose come to fucking gloat about Kit being under his thumb or threatening to get Kit to murder all his friends.

You know, the normal stuff.

Kit only realised his mistake when Ambrose barged into his room, slightly ruffled as if he were worried.

“Kit? You in there?”

Hope bloomed like rot in Kit’s stomach at the sound of Superhero’s voice.

Superhero’s voice.

At Kit’s front door.

Kit glanced at Ambrose briefly before jumping out of bed and sprinting towards his bedroom door. Ambrose caught him around the waist, but Kit shoved him away and kept running. Kit cleared his bedroom door, adrenaline fuelling his every movement. The shortest path to the front door was through his couch, so Kit vaulted over it as he ran towards the door where Superhero stood on the other side waiting, his saviour.

If he could reach the door before Ambrose, he could be free.

Kit’s hand wrapped around the door handle before Ambrose’s chilling power flooded Kit, and he collapsed suddenly like a puppet who’s strings had been cut. Whatever Kit had done, he did it right. Kit’s body grew heavier than an anvil, but he kept his hand on the door handle to his apartment as he fell to the floor. The last thing Kit saw before his brain turned off was Superhero’s concerned eyes blinking down at Kit as he pushed the front door open and if he could’ve, Kit would have smiled.

Instead, the darkness swallowed him whole and Kit drifted into Ambrose’s forced abyss of sleep for the first time without fear.

*~*~*~*~*

When Kit woke up again, he was in his bed, head pounding with the thunderous headache that always came after Ambrose's power forced him to sleep. Kit opened his eyes but quickly shut them again, groaning at how bright the light was in the room.

“Kit,” Superhero said. Kit’s heart hammered in his chest at the sound of his voice. He was still here; Ambrose didn’t stop him. “Hey, Kit it’s me. You’re okay.”

“Is he awake?” Ambrose.

Kit jerked up but groaned again, his entire upper body aching with the effort. He didn’t even get two inches up before collapsing onto the bed again. Kit couldn’t even form the words to speak, to warn Superhero about Ambrose.

Someone settled down next to Kit, the bed dipping with the weight. Kit risked opening his eyes only to meet Ambrose’s dark eyes and too red lips smiling down at him. The face that haunted his dreams. Ambrose was holding a glass of water in his hand and reached a cold hand under Kit’s head and tipped it up until Kit’s lips met the edge of the glass.

“You are not going to tell Superhero anything,” Ambrose’s voice echoed in Kit’s mind. Kit tried to pull away, to protest and warn Superhero that Omen was right there in front of him, but his body wouldn’t respond. Refused to even twitch away. “You will tell Superhero that you’re sick, that we’re childhood friends, and I am here to help you recover.”

Kit felt the compulsion weigh him down, and tears sprung to his eyes at the helplessness of his situation.

Superhero was here.

Is here!

Right here. In Kit’s house, in his room!

Now was the only time that Kit could tell him, warn him, escape from Omen.

His one and only chance was sitting by Kit’s bedside, but he couldn’t do anything except exactly what Ambrose wanted him to do.

Ambrose pulled the glass away from Kit’s lips and put the back of his hand on Kit’s forehead. “Say thank you,” Ambrose told Kit, his command echoing in Kit’s head.

Kit tried… he really tried to say nothing. To swallow the words that were crawling up his throat, but he came out anyways, raspy and raw.

“Thank you,” Kit said with a slight cough.

Ambrose frowned. “You still have a slight temperature, Kit. Maybe we should take the blankets off.”

Kit protested with a meek, “no,” but Ambrose took them off anyways.

“It’s for your own good, Kit. I know you’re cold but if we don’t get your temperature down, you’ll be in trouble.”

Kit was trembling alright, but it wasn’t from some made up sickness that Ambrose said he had. Kit was trying to fight Ambrose’s compulsion with every fibre of his being, but he couldn’t do more than pull against it while Ambrose pushed him to obey.

“I’ll go get a wet cloth,” said Ambrose, standing from the bed and putting the glass on the table. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Kit watched Ambrose leave and waited until the door closed to turn his attention to Superhero. Superhero smiled warmly at Kit.

“Superhero…” Kit said, his voice crackling.

“I’m here, Kit. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

“Doesn’t—” Kit heaved, rolling his heavy body over in the bed. “Doesn’t ma— matter. Ambrose—”

“Doesn’t matter?” Superhero asked, moving closer to Kit and pushing his sweaty hair from his forehead. “Of course it matters, Kit. I’m just sad that you didn’t tell me you were sick. I would have understood.”

“No,” Kit moaned, rolling out of the bed and onto the floor with a hard thud. “Ambrose—”

“I’m here,” Ambrose said from the doorway. Ambrose rushed in and handed the cloth to Superhero who placed it on Kit’s bedside locker. Ambrose went to Kit’s side, Superhero quickly joining them on the floor. “Kit, you can’t keep doing this.”

“What’s wrong?” Superhero asked, helping Ambrose get Kit back onto the bed.

“No,” Kit moaned. “No, no.”

“His fever has been coming and going the last two days. He starts speaking gibberish. Yesterday he said he was part fish,” Ambrose told Superhero with a laugh as he settled Kit in the middle of the bed. “There we go. Can you hand me the cloth?”

Superhero nodded, grabbing the cloth off the table and pressed it into Ambrose’s hand. Ambrose put it on Kit’s forehead, who groaned and protested and weakly grabbed Ambrose’s wrist trying to push him off.

Kit narrowed his eyes at Ambrose, chest heaving with the effort as he spat: “don’t— nngh… fucking touch me!”

Blue electricity sparked from Kit’s hand to Ambrose’s wrist. Ambrose quickly retracted his hand to his chest with a soft gasp. Superhero glanced at Kit then Ambrose with a half-smile.

“Does he keep doing that?” Superhero asked.

Ambrose narrowed his eyes at Kit slightly.

“No, that one’s new,” Ambrose said in a way that would seem perfectly innocent to an onlooker like Superhero, but Kit knew would mean a world of pain for him when Superhero left.

If Superhero left.

“Oh, don’t worry, dear Kit,” Ambrose cooed, voice hard and cold as it pierced Kit’s mind with a sudden pain. “Superhero will be leaving shortly and when he does, oh Kit, sweet Kit. I have been nice to you for far too long. I think you forget exactly what I can and will do to you.”

Kit glared at Ambrose through half lidded eyes, though he doubted it had the terrifying effect that Kit desired it to.

“No more using your powers, little Kit,” Ambrose ordered, the compulsion taking root almost instantly.

“I hate you,” Kit thought mutinously.

Ambrose smiled. “Oh, I know. Just be good for me now and I won’t punish you as hard as I intend to later.”

Kit reached for his power anyways and found a vacuous mass in his body that was locked down tight leaving Kit powerless and at Ambrose’s mercy again.

“Kit,” Superhero said. Kit blinked and glanced to his left to see Superhero’s sympathetic eyes. Kit had nearly forgotten he was here. Even if he was it didn’t matter. None of this mattered, not while Ambrose still has him under his thumb locked away from everything that made him… well, Kit.

Tears sprung to Kit’s eyes when he met Superhero’s, helpless and weak and impossible to hold back or control.

“Kit…” Superhero said softly, pressing a hand to Kit’s cheek and rubbing the first tear away as it fell. “It’s alright. I know everything must be confusing and wrong, but Ambrose and I we will stay by your side until you get better. Okay?”

Kit nodded weakly, more tears flowing freely down his cheeks. “Good,” said Superhero. “Now get some rest. Ambrose and I will be just outside if you need us.”

Superhero stood and slapped Ambrose on the back reassuringly.

“Yeah, what Superhero said,” Ambrose echoed. “Try and get some sleep. Call us if you need anything.”

Kit wanted to protest: to scream and cry and rush out of bed and punch Ambrose in the face and tell Superhero the truth, but his eyelids were already pulling down over his eyes growing heavy and Kit was far too weak to resist it. Soon the darkness settled over Kit's eyes and his limbs grew heavy, and he couldn't do anything but be whisked away.

*~*~*~*~*

Continued here

The Orphanage (plz lemme know if you want to be added or removed <;3) - @nameless-beanie @andithewhumper @annablogsposts @whatwhumpcomments @whumpasaurus101 @0eggdealer @rejectedbytheempty @princess-bubble-blossom @sleepy-pearl @n3rv0usn0v4 @whumpatize-me-captain @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @sunshiline-writes @burningkittypoet @honeyed-euphrates @sacredwrath @theonewithallthefixations

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hwanghyunjinenthusiast · 1 year

Text

Number 1 Fan

AN: Might as well start off the Ateez smut with my man. This is highly unsafe and probably unethical but, luckily this is fiction lmao. (Also I know not everyone who supports sex workers is a simp and there's nothing wrong with supporting sex workers. Mingi is deadass just a simp in this lol.)

Synopsis: Mingi is one of your biggest fans. He never misses a livestream and has watched every video you've posted. When you announce that you've decided to film a video with one of your followers to celebrate reaching a thousand subscribers, he knows he has no chance of winning but tries his luck anyways. Fortunately for Mingi, luck is on his side.

Heads up: Song Mingi x Fem! Reader, Sex worker! Reader, Simp! Mingi, Mingi is very nervous throughout this, Dom! Reader, Sub! Mingi, praise (m. receiving), dirty talk, oral sex (f. and m. receiving), 69 position, unprotected piv sex and creampie.

Word count: 3640

I will block you if you are a minor and/or have no easily visible indication of your age on your blog if you interact with me in any way.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

The air stills in Mingi's lungs when he sees the notification. For a moment, he thinks he's dreaming or hallucinating. However, when he clicks it to read the email, he realises that this is, in fact, very real.

His eyes frantically scan the email informing him that he'd been the one selected to be featured in one of your videos. He'd actually won. He sags onto his bed, reading the email over and over again. Mingi could not believe his eyes.

He's actually going to talk to you. He's going to meet you.

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

Mingi is pretty sure his heart is trying to beat out of his chest as he makes his way to the coffee shop you two agreed to meet at. You two had been talking ever since he found out he won. Obviously you didn't give him your personal number since he's sure you have tonnes of creepy people following you, but it was still surreal being able to speak to you directly nonetheless.

You both agreed to meet in person to ease the nervousness and anxiety of filming with one another. Also likely so you could make sure Mingi wasn't some weirdo. Understandable.

"Mingi?" He hears someone ask, and he's certain he forgets how to breathe momentarily.

When he glances up, he sees that you'd already arrived and gotten a table outside.

"Y-Yeah, it's nice to finally meet you," he says, trying his best not to visibly cringe at the audible nervousness in his voice.

The smile you give him only makes his tongue feel heavier in his mouth, and his palms sweat exponentially. He needs to pull himself together.

"It's nice to finally meet you too. Sit, sit, I got here a few minutes ago and thought it would be better to get a table before they were all taken," you respond, gesturing to the empty seat across from you.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," he says, taking a seat a little bit too eagerly.

You wave off his apology, "Don't worry. I just like to get to places early. Force of habit."

He bites back the apology he wants to spew out nonetheless, " So have you ordered anything? Hope you didn't wait for me to order."

"Well, it would be pretty rude to order without you being here," you respond with a small smile, "Besides, I only got here about 10 minutes before you did. Really, you didn't keep me waiting long."

Mingi pointedly ignores the warmth he feels flooding his face.

Before he can respond, the waitress arrives to take your respective orders, and Mingi is fortunately saved from stumbling over his words infront of you. He got his usual order and made a note on your affinity for iced coffee. He had no idea why, it's not like he'd ever interact with you this way again.

"So, what's your username?" Is the first question you fire at him when the two of you are alone again, completely throwing him.

"Oh uh it's _song99_," he responds, sheepishly rubbing his neck.

"Oh! That's you? I see you all the time. I didn't realise you were such a big fan," you say with such genuine enthusiasm and a smile that Mingi can't really find it within himself to feel too embarrassed with you realising how much he enjoyed your content.

"Yeah, I found you when you were just starting out, and I really liked your videos. It kind of...snowballed from there," he says honestly.

"What about my content made you decide to stick around?" You ask curiously, tilting your head as you seem to truly size him up then.

He can feel the tips of his ears reddening. How is he supposed to explain to you that you had him wrapped around your finger the first time he saw you cum without sounding like a creepy weirdo?

"You seem like a sweet guy, Mingi. I doubt anything you're going to say anything that'll offend me," you say softly. The hesitance must've come off of him in waves.

"I like how genuine your videos and streams come across. I know this is your job, and maybe I'm protecting my fantasies onto you, but you don't seem insincere in your content. At least not to me. Also, your passion really shines through. It's pretty clear how much effort and thought you put into your video quality, your sets, your outfits, the...toys you use. You balance sincerity with professionalism really well," he says far more passionately than he perhaps meant to, studiously avoiding your gaze.

"Oh," is the first thing out of your mouth, and Mingi wishes the earth would open up and swallow him whole. He's such a fucking weirdo. Who gets that impassioned-

"That's probably the most thoughtful and sweet compliment anyone's ever given me about my content," you say, and he glances up at you only to be surprised at the shy look on your face. You were always so self-assured and confident, he doesn't remember ever seeing you look so bashful. Not even in your first videos.

"I really mean it. I can't speak for the other people who watch you obviously but, those are some reasons that immediately come to my mind when I think of why I choose to pay for your content," he says, butterflies erupting in his stomach when you give him a smaller smile but, it's blinding all the same.

The rest of your coffee...date? Mingi isn't exactly sure what to call it. A meeting feels entirely too formal, and the more delusional part of him likes the idea of it being a date. Either way, it went pretty well. You two talked extensively about boundaries and what was okay and what wasn't. He was proud of himself for only choking on his drink a total of four times, the worst being when you asked if he'd be comfortable with unprotected sex.

Hiding your amusement at his coughing fit terribly, you'd explained that those videos tend to perform really well, but you'd never push him if he was uncomfortable with it. You also added that you two would get full STD tests done beforehand.

Maybe Mingi was too infatuated with you and a fucking idiot but, it didn't take much beyond that to agree. Chugging his drink a little after that when he felt himself getting hard at the mere thought of feeling you directly.

Fuck, he hopes he doesn't embarrass himself by only lasting a few minutes.

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

Mingi's heart is in his throat when he knocks on the door of the hotel room you booked for the...session. He offered to cover atleast half of it, but you waved him off, assuring him that it would fall under your business expenses. Still, he couldn't help feeling a little guilty about it.

When you open the door, he's sorely unprepared for the sight of you. The white top you're wearing leaves very little to the imagination, your nipples visible through the flimsy material as it essentially acts as a second skin. Your pastel pink skirt barely reaches your mid-thigh, hugging your waist in a way that makes Mingi feel dizzy.

He's seen you in various states of undress and fully naked online, but it doesn't come anywhere close to you in the flesh. He can already feel himself getting hard and heat rushing to his face.

"Mingi, hi," you say, sounding so genuinely enthusiastic to see him that it only worsens the butterflies already raging in his gut. "Hi y/n. It's good to see you again," he responds when his cognitive abilities return to him. Your delectable perfume invades his senses when you move aside to let him in, only further adding to his increasing delirium.

He finds himself growing a little nervous when he settles on the bed, so many different cameras pointed towards it. Towards him. Well, he did know you put a lot of effort into the shots you got, he just didn't realise how much effort.

"Hey, you don't have to be nervous. Just focus on me," you say softly, slotting yourself between his thighs and cupping his face to make him meet your warm eyes.

God, this must be so easy for you, and here he is already floundering because you smell great and look even better.

"Is this okay? We don't have to do anything you don't want to," you say when he doesn't respond to your words or your touch. He needs to get his shit together.

Tentatively, his hands reach towards your waist, excitement outweighing anxiety for once when his fingers partially brush your soft skin. "Yeah, sorry. I'm okay. I think I'm just a little nervous, and I started to feel intimidated by the cameras," he says, deciding that being honest with you would probably be for the best.

"It is intimidating in the beginning, but you get used to it. Plus, hopefully, I'll provide enough of a distraction that you'll forget about the cameras," you respond playfully, your thumb absentmindedly stroking his cheek. A shudder runs down his spine and straight to his cock, "Yeah, I'm sure I'll forget about them in no time."

"Is it okay if I kiss you?" You ask, your eyes considerably darker than they were moments ago. Your thumb now running itself just below his bottom lip.

Mingi nods dumbly, unintentionally tightening his grip around your waist when you shift even closer to him, practically in his lap. "When I ask you a question, I expect a verbal response," you say with a soft, commanding edge to your voice, lidded eyes focusing in on his mouth.

He hopes you don't feel the shiver that runs through his body. "Yes, you may kiss me," he whispers, his hands shaking slightly. "Good boy," Mingi doesn't have much time to dwell on how those particular words make the tightening in his boxers worse because you press a soft kiss against his lips seconds later.

He can't help the quiet moan that slips from his lips at the contact. You're so much softer than he imagined you'd be. You taste better than anything his mind could come up with by a long shot. Without much conscious thought, his grip on your waist tightening. Pulling you closer until you're straddling him, panty covered slit mere centimetres from his crotch.

"So-sorry, I just got excited," he mutters when he's able to pull away from your addictive mouth. The little giggle you give him in response does funny things to his heart, "Mingi, it's okay. You getting excited is a good thing. A great thing, actually," you respond. He clenches his jaw when you settle yourself in his lap, the pressure your weight provides makes his cock throb almost painfully.

It's made all the more worse when your hips roll against him experimentally, the friction resulting in him groaning against your lips and his hands desperately flying to your hips. "You're so cute," you say breathlessly, dotting his jaw with featherlight kisses as you seemingly find a rhythm you like. The praise goes straight to his dick. Pre-cum dribbling out and smearing his boxers as his cheeks flush red.

"You're so pretty," his muddled brain supplies as a response. His hands digging into your hips at a particularly hard grind you give him and the peaks of your pink panties he's able to see underneath your skirt.

He's startled when you push him down flat on his back. The look in your eyes borders on predatory as your toy with the hem of his shirt. "Cute and sweet? I got lucky, huh," you muse. Mingi is pretty sure his blush is all the way down to his neck at this point.

"Is it okay if I take this off?" You ask.

He tries his best to swallow down his self-consciousness, "Yeah, it's okay."

You tug at his shirt so impatiently that he's briefly concerned that you might rip in the process. Not that he'd really mind. He'd happily let you tear all of his clothes off of him.

"You're so hot," you practically moan when his bare torso is laid out for you to see, lightly dragging your fingertips down his chest. His cock throbs at the compliment and he barely mutters out a thank you. Honestly, your praise is doing fantastic things for his self-esteem.

Shudders run down his spine from every drag of your nails against his skin. Leaving faint, pink marks, and goosebumps in their wake. You lean down to kiss his jaw as your hands toy with his belt. Mingi feels like all he can do is lie here and let you do whatever you want with him. His hands gripping your hips for purchase all the while.

"I want to suck you off. May I?"

Mingi is pretty sure his vision blurs for a moment. Not entirely sure if he heard you correctly.

"You don't have to," he retorts without much of a second thought. Meaning it.

"You sweet man," you say with a smile, giving him a quick peck on the lips, "I know I don't have to. Do I strike you as the kind of woman who does things she doesn't want to?"

Well, you have a point there.

"No," he responds shyly, "but is okay if I eat you out?"

That catches you off-guard, and you look down at him in slight surprise for a moment.

"Sure," you finally respond, and he doesn't fail to notice the slight breathy edge to your voice. It's good to know he isn't the only one affected by all of this.

"I can sit on your face while I suck you off. If that's okay with you?"

Mingi almost grits his teeth from how hard his cock throbs from your words. The prospect of you sitting on his face sending his world spinning.

"Yeah fuck, yeah it's okay with me," he breathes out.

You give him one more peck on the lips before shuffling off of him, and Mingi bites back the whine on the tip of his tongue at the loss of your warmth. However, his eyes remain focused on you when he watches you tug your panties down your plush thighs. Arousal punching him in the gut when he notices the wet spot on your panties and the peaks he catches of your pussy when your skirt rides up.

He's elated to know he's not the only one into this.

He's completely breathless watching you strip naked infront of him. Your hypnotic tits bouncing and jiggling as you shimmy out of your skirt. Fuck. Fuck, you're too much for him.

You shoot him another of those seductive yet somehow sweet smiles before positioning yourself over his face. The sight of your bare, wet, swollen pussy sends lightning straight down his spine to his cock. It throbs painfully just from taking you in.

He's brought out of his stupor when feels your hands tug his boxers and jeans down. Anxiety seizing him for a moment when he considers how you might react to seeing him fully naked. Would you think his dick was ugly? Too small? Curved weirdly?

"Oh," is all he hears you utter for a moment, and he tenses. "I'm definitely going to have fun with you," he moans, and his hips jerk into your touch when your much smaller hand attempts to wrap around him. Wanting to even the playing field a little here, his tongue takes his first taste of you.

The soft moan you let out goes straight to his dick and, he's half sure you feel him throb in your grasp. That doesn't matter, however, because you taste better than he imagined. Your taste and scent enveloping his senses and making his mind feel hazier than it already was.

His hands grip your thighs then and firmly press you to his mouth. Eagerly lapping and sucking on your clit while occasionally dipping lower and, tasting your dripping wetness directly.

"Mingi," you cry out, your hand weakly stroking his cock and sending sparks throughout his body. It's made all the worse when you kitten lick his tip, your tongue and warm breaths making his hips buck up into you. Before he can apologise, you decide to take him in your mouth fully. Well, as far as you can. Your hand continuing to stroke the rest of him.

It's Mingi's turn to falter now. A drawn out groan falling from his lips and into your soaking slit as you suck him off with so much determination that he's actually worried he'll cum briefly. The sounds of you gagging on him filling the room and, only adding to his approaching climax.

He's not sure if you just have a sixth sense for this kind of thing or if he's just that easy to read but, you ease off of him then. Giving his tip one last kiss before speaking, "Not that I wouldn't love to feel you cum down my throat but, I'd much rather feel you cum inside of me."

His fingers dig into your soft thighs. Cock throbbing in your hold as your words wash over him.

Mingi is quickly discovering that the view of you straddling him might just be his new favourite ever. Your pretty tits jiggling with every movement you make briefly distracting him. He feels himself tense when you grab his cock in your soft hand, sending him a devious smile before you slowly start to sink down onto him.

He knows he should be more careful and considerate, but his hold on your hips is harsh and bruising from the get-go. His eyes rolling into the back of his head as your tight walls cling to his dick so fiercely that he's briefly worried he really might just cum in a few minutes. The whines and breathy moans that fall from your lips as you try to adjust to the stretch he provides only makes matters worse.

"Ah Mingi, you're so d-deep," you stutter out, fingernails biting into the skin of his abdomen.

His hips impulsively thrust up into you, both of you moaning at the sensations it provides, "Fu-fuck, sorry," he groans out. He knows you need time to adjust but, he's not sure how long he can stay still without completely losing his sanity.

"It's okay," you pant out, slowly lifting yourself off of him before sinking down. Your nails leaving more faint, red traces in their wake as you find your pace on top of him. He's too entranced to do anything but, watch as you fuck yourself on him. Your pretty face contorted in pleasure, and he internally preens with pride. That confidence is shaken moments later, however, when he takes in how your breast bounce and how most of his cock disappears inside of you.

"You look so beautiful," he says, becoming too lost in the pleasure, too lost in you to really care anymore. "You feel so good too, fuck," he groans, one of his hands drifting to one of your breasts and toying with your hardened nipple.

The way you clench around him at the contact makes his head spin.

"You feel good too, Mingi," you cry out, "You're so big and deep." He shuts his eyes, cock throbbing harshly inside of you as he tries to gain his bearings. He isn't going to cum without making you cum first. He has to feel you cum on his dick.

Maybe it's the determination to make you cum or maybe he's too far gone to be self-conscious anymore, whatever it is makes him sit up and take one of your tempting nipples in his mouth. Moaning against you when you let out a startled gasp and your immaculate pussy clamps down on him once more. Your hands desperately cling to his shoulders and hair, mewing softly as he sucks and licks to his heart's content.

His teeth nearly sink into you when he feels you cum around him. Velvety walls gripping him so harshly that he can barely move. Your hands keeping him pressed to your fantastic tits, not that he was planning on going anywhere anytime soon. It really doesn't take much more than that for him to join you. His moans muffled by your skin as he holds onto you fiercely. His cock sheathed to the brim inside of you as he paints your walls white.

Your stuttered cry of his name only emboldens him further. One of his hands slipping between your bodies in search of your clit. From the way you tighten around him and tug on his hair, he guesses he's found it. Experimenting with which speed and pattern draws the best reactions out of you.

Mingi loosens his grip on you then. Your shared, laboured breathing filling the hotel room as you all but, crumple on top of him.

"Maybe I should ask you to feature in more of my videos," you muse against his shoulder once you've mostly come back to yourself.

He feels his face warm considerably, "I guess that means you had a good time?"

You cup his jaw then, making him meet your intense but still somehow mischievous gaze, "Mingi, I haven't cum that hard in who knows how long. I can barely get up."

If he hadn't cum literally minutes ago, he'd probably be hard enough to cut diamond right now. He's sure this'll bolster his ego for at least a good five years.

"I um I'm glad you enjoyed it," so much for that confidence, he supposes.

"If you keep being so cute I might have to fuck you again," you tease but, he senses that you aren't fully joking around. Well, he has the whole day free and who is he to say no, really? He wouldn't want your other fans to be disappointed after all.

#song mingi smut #mingi smut #ateez smut

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rogersideup · 1 year

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Late Night Talking

The Park Bench

Series Masterlist

Previous: Teddy Bears and Dinosaurs Next: Mighty Superhero

Word count: 6,600

Summary: Steve wasn't doing well, it took you a while to figure that out but you got there eventually. He was fine for a while, then when it really finally hit him that Tony was gone, he pushed everyone away.

Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Descriptions of grief, mentions of death.

Sometimes, routines changed. By choice or not, you had to be okay with that.

Steve wasn't doing well, it took you a while to figure that out but you got there eventually. You would exchange texts throughout the day as per usual, but he never called. And when you tried to call him, he wouldn't pick up. The denied calls were always followed by an 'I'm so sorry' text, accompanied with a sad face and a heart.

At first, you were confused and concerned. For a few solid days you were worried that you had pushed your constant flirty banter a little too far, or maybe you had made him upset enough to not want to talk beyond friendly coworkers. Every time you thought about it a little too deeply you could feel your heart breaking a bit more each time.

However, at the one week mark post your last phone call, you noticed a lot more of the Avengers had returned back to the compound and you were placed in a new team group chat without him in it.

It was renamed to 'Operation Rogers’. The whole team speculated the sudden change in behavior. Bucky eventually revealed that when Steve's mom passed he reacted the same way.

He was fine for a while, then when it really finally hit him that she was gone, he pushed everyone away. It seemed like that's exactly what he was doing now.

Every time you quickly passed by his office, you could see him nose deep in work. Sometimes he would work until 2-3 in the morning just trying to keep his brain occupied by something other than overwhelming sadness. When he wasn't working or sleeping, you could see him sitting on the bench by the koi pond. Most of the times he had a book or a sketch pad with him, and he spent hours there.

But today... it was different.

You had woken up to your alarm, and just like every day your morning routine was unchanged. You rolled out of bed with a groan and a stretch, then immediately went to open your bedroom window so Eeyore could look outside.

A little smile spread on your face when you saw Steve sitting there already, but the closer you looked the more your smile fell.

He was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, which was really out of character for him. He was the type to never leave his room unless he was perfectly presentable. Then you noticed the lack of sketchbook, the redness around his eyes and nose, and the empty gaze into the water.

Your heart weeped seeing him like that. It felt like it was physically pulled out of your chest and stomped on a billion times.

You tried to cheer him up by putting Eeyore in the window and sending him a text telling him to look up.

You saw him read the text, lock his phone, then keep his eyes forward.

It was obvious that he was stuck in his head and needed to find clarity, so you texted him one more time letting him know that you loved him before starting the rest of your morning.

A cup of cold brew, some emails you could respond to from the comfort of your couch, a long shower, did your hair and got dressed.

You even made a quick run to drop off some paperwork and a cup of coffee to Happy before getting back to your place and eating lunch.

Then, you got some texts.

Operation Steve

Bucky: anyone see Steve this morning?

Wanda: I saw him leave at 6, but it didn't look like he had anywhere to be.

Sam: he skipped morning work out

You swiftly got up and looked out of your window, he was still on the bench. This time, his eyes and nose were even more red, and his posture slumped.

Your brain and body flooded with so much worry that your hands started shaking as they searched for your phone to tell them you knew where he was.

But before then, you really wanted to try to get through to him. So, your fingers moved faster than your brain could process and dialed his number while watching safely from the window.

He looked at his phone ringing on the bench and denied the call.

“Come on Steve.” You mumbled to yourself knowing the only way to ease your extreme anxiety over his well-being would be to talk to him. You just really needed him to pick up.

So, you called again.

This time, he hesitated. You could tell he was concerned about being called twice in a row, but he still didn't pick up.

Fuck.

You started anxiously pacing around your apartment while contemplating where to go from here. Your thoughts carried you to every possible way to help him feel better under the circumstances the two of you were in, but the distance was so frustrating it almost made you cry.

He was the glue that kept the team together, he listened to their problems and found the solutions, he comforted them through endless loss, guided them through battle, made difficult life or death choices with almost no time to think them through. He eased the deep pressure off his team that was more like family.

Yet no one reciprocated.

They all received without giving, and Steve never complained. He enjoyed looking after the people he loved, it felt like a role in his life that just fit him naturally. But now that he needed some guidance, extra care and a pressure lift, no one was there.

That's what made your stomach churn in sadness, and anxiety brood as physical red splotches on your chest.

You so desperately wanted to be there for him, you wanted to be that person who gave back everything he selflessly poured out into the world but you were always just an arms length away.

Right now you were just a text left on read, a denied phone call, an empty connection through a fucking park bench, a concerned best friend watching a breakdown from a window 7 floors up.

A terrible, selfish friend who couldn't put yourself aside for just a few minutes to give him the love he deserved.

A stupid, lousy, shitty, mentally unwell, fraud of a friend.

Fuck, Bucky was looking for him.

It was now 12;46 which means he's been out there for almost 7 hours.

Bucky would know what to do.

Your heart pounded out of your chest as you brought your phone to your ear one more time, and this time the other line actually picked up.

"Hey smiles" He spoke calmly. How could he be so calm?

"Hi, I'm really worried about Steve" you admitted right off the bat. "I see him right now. I've been able to see him from my window all morning, he hasn't left the koi pond since he got there 6 hours ago. He's not answering my phone calls, he's not responding to my texts."

"There's a koi pond?" Bucky asked.

"That was so not the point" You shook your head as you paced through your living-room. "He's not even drawing or reading. Is there anything you can do to help?"

"I've tried everything" Bucky sighed. "Literally everything, I don't even know what I can do."

"He doesn't even have a water bottle. No snacks."

"Steve hunger strikes when he's sad" Bucky explained. "Says eating makes him feel nauseous"

"Bucky" you complained, literally desperate for any situation in which your anxiety over Steve would ease up. "This isn't normal"

Knowing that Bucky wasn't going to do anything about Steve made your anxiety of not doing anything for him surpass the regular anxiety of meeting an Avenger and possibly having your identity leaked to the world.

"I know it's not." Bucky acknowledged. "But what I do know is that you sound just as distraught as he does. I know you mean a lot to him, and he means a lot to you. I know he cares about you so much that he would go to any length to keep your identity a secret, and I especially know that it would mean a lot to him just to see your face"

"I hate you so much right now, James" You slipped your shoes on.

"Oh god, that's scary" He cringed. "Why?"

"Because I know you're right"

You started walking before even thinking about where you were going or the gravity of where your actions we're about to lead you. If you thought about it for too long, you would quite honestly need a Xanax.

"I just heard a door close? Are you going to go see him?" Bucky asked.

"If I don't chicken out by the time I make it to the pond then yes" You told him, earning a screech in an octave so high you didn't even know it was possible.

"You'll be okay! He's going to be so happy, I promise. He's been day dreaming of this everyday like a teenage boy" Bucky reassured.

"What if he's so embarrassed that it makes him feel worse?" You questioned while running down the stairs.

You knew damn well the elevator would give you too much time to think. At this point you could barely hear Bucky over the blood pounding in your ears.

"He'll get over it. Good luck, let's hang out soon" He said quickly before hanging up.

"Buck-" aaaaaaand he was gone.

You slipped your phone into the pocket of your pants while running down the stairs. The anxiety was running so rampant now that it was buzzing under your skin, taking control of your nervous system as your hands shook and your legs trembled.

You can trust Steve. He's your guy. Let him in.

Tony's words repeated in your mind like a broken record as you pushed past the stairwell door and the light from the sun stung the anxious tears you tried to blink behind your eyes.

It all felt so much more real as you got closer and could see his figure. Back facing you, slumped and sad.

He's your guy. Let him in.

Let him in.

It's just Steve it's just Steve itsjuststeve

You blinked away the discomfort as your eyes adjusted to the new found light, and your legs carried you closer to him regardless of your knee's constant threat of buckling in on themselves.

As you approached the bench, all of your instincts fled the scene. They got you this far, but now you were on your own with no plan on how to approach the situation.

But at this point, he definitely knew someone was behind him so you couldn't linger like a weirdo.

Oh my god you had to do something.

You wished you could be as pretty as that girl in the elevator, or as big and brave as that girl who sat beside him for hours in the lobby. But right now, you just felt like...you. Tiny, scared, timid little you, even more scared that in just a few seconds you were going to break that illusion for him and he'd see you the same way you saw yourself.

Tiny, scared, timid.

Just hug him you creep. Your brain yelled at you through the thick anxious haze.

Hesitantly closing the gap, you stood right behind him and leaned over. Your arms wrapped around his chest, and your chin rested on his shoulder.

You squeezed your eyes shut in anticipation, waiting for his reaction. But instead, he nestled his head into yours, and his big warm hands held onto your forearms in full appreciation.

In that moment, he let out a deep sigh then recollected his emotions with a small sniffle.

The display of affection caught Steve off guard, but it was comforting and strangely familiar as if he had received hugs like these a million times in his life, possibly a billion in a past few.

You took that as permission to squeeze him just a little tighter and enjoy the moment that lingered on a lot longer than you thought it would last. However, his oblivion was doing nothing to help your extreme state of emotion. You silently prayed he couldn't feel you shaking like a leaf.

He was melting like an ice cube under your touch, it was like he had been craving something as simple as a hug all day and now that he finally had it, everything would be okay again.

You fully seized the opportunity to take him in. The cotton of his shirt was soft and his body was warm. He smelled inviting, and the frame of his shoulders felt more broad than they looked.

Your few moments of basking in his not-so-blissful ignorance was disrupted with one single question.

"Nat or Wanda?" He asked quietly. They were so close, there was no need to speak normally.

You didn't even know how to break it to him, maybe he would be disappointed in the lack of Nat or Wanda once he learned it was just you, but his raw voice, unfiltered straight from the source straight in your ear raised goosebumps on your skin.

Right in this moment, you saw two options. You could tell him to keep his eyes closed and just enjoy the moment, he'd know exactly why and allow you to keep up the illusion of being nothing but a mystery voice. Or, you could dig your grave and let him bury you in it.

"Those are the only two options?" You questioned. He stiffened and stilled in surprise, but it still wasn't really registering. Your voice wasn't ringing a bell, and the grave was now six feet deep.

You let go of him and looked down at the floor while walking to the right side of the bench to sit next to him. His gaze was burning a hole into the side of your head and heating your cheeks while you played with your fingers and worked up the courage to look at him.

When you did, he was painfully confused.

What a doofus.

"Oh, hi?" He quickly wiped the stray tear off his cheek and swiped a hand through his hair. You could tell it still wasn't clicking. "Didn't think you'd even remember me from the eleva- or the internet incide- Tony told me your name was Eva"

"Y/N" You corrected with a small chuckle.

Now he was nervous, and that almost made you ease up a bit.

"Y/N" He repeated. "That suits you better than Drunk"

You hummed contently in response and nodded.

"Are you alright? You seem a little... fidgety" He questioned, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"I'm nervous- anxious actually" you admitted, now he was even more confused.

"What's wrong?"

"My best friend has been really down lately, not answering my calls. I've just been really worried about him" You wanted to see how long it would take him to piece together the puzzle.

"You sound like a great friend. What's his name?"

"Steve" You said bluntly, eyebrow raised while you watched his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out so closed it again. He cocked his head to the side like a puppy. "Rogers. Ever heard of him?"

"A couple times" He cautiously chuckled.

"He's actually not my best friend"

"I'm sorry, I'm so confused" Steve tried to maintain his signature level of high politeness.

"He's my husband" You told him.

His eyes narrowed and investigated your face, searching for a bluff. The wheels were obviously turning in his head, then, you could see the moment it clicked.

Steve's cheeks turned apple red and his big blue eyes became even bigger before covering his face with both his hands and letting out a groan of pure embarrassment. He could feel the heat flowing to his face and pooling under the skin, he could even feel his heart beating on the tips of his fingers.

He could not believe Smiles was the girl he had been crushing on for months, furthermore, he could not believe that you were included in any conversations about his stupid little crush on the prettiest girl he had ever seen.

And now you were here. In front of him. While he was crying in sweatpants.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" you sheepishly apologized, worried that he would be mad. "There was no way to do it withou-"

"It's okay" He dramatically mumbled into his hands. "I'm just going to put myself back in the ice. 70 more years will do me good"

"Steve, don't even start" you couldn't help but to giggle at how quickly he reverted and made himself small. "I'm pretty sure everything you said about me without knowing is exactly the same things you've said over the phone. There's not really much of a difference, pretty baby"

You figured that joining in on the complements would ease his embarrassment and allow them to enjoy each other's company once you both got past the initial shock and your anxiety.

He peaked through his open fingers and let out another whimper. "You're so pretty"

"That sounds like a complaint" You noted, and he shook his head. "I'm having a not so mild panic attack, and you've been crying all day. Will you come out of your little turtle shell so we can hug? Remember? The ones we promised each other? Biggest one in the universe"

He cautiously removed his hands from his face and looked at you with a pout. It was only then he noticed your trembling frame, uneven red splotches littering your chest, and the tight clench in your jaw to keep it still from chattering jitters.

Steve opened his arms for you and you gladly accepted by pulling him in tightly for the long lasting hug you've both always day dreamed of.

"It's so nice to finally meet you" he firmly rubbed your back. Damn, he was a good hugger.

"I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner." You apologized.

"You have nothing to be sorry for" he reassured. "I completely understand. I know you're scared, but thank you for trusting me. I'm sorry for not answering your calls, I've just been-"

"I know, it's okay" you reciprocated the reassurance. "I'm not mad, I'm just worried about you"

"All we do is worry about each other" He sadly chuckled while you released him from the hug.

"To be fair, there is a lot to worry about at the moment" You reasoned. "And I told you I was good at sharing the bench so it was about time I put my money where my mouth is"

"You weren't lying when you said you shook my hand" He grinned and tried fixing his hair again. Each attempt was unsuccessful, and that amused you.

"I'm not saying I told you so buuuttt..."

"How do I make your hands stop shaking?" He questioned while reaching out and sandwiched your hands between his.

"They'll stop, I just need to calm down a bit." You explained. "How can I cheer you up?"

"I think you already did" Steve smiled. A genuine, lopsided smile. His big sparkly whites on display, smile lines crinkling the corners of his big blue eyes. "I know I don't seem very excited right now, but I promise I'm ecstatic on the inside"

"Everyone was concerned that they couldn't find you. I called Bucky since he was wondering where you were but he wasn't much help" You explained.

"Your first mistake is thinking that Bucky would be helpful in the first place" Steve let go of his gentle hold of your small hands. You instantly turned sideways towards him and brought your knees to your chest, feet planted firmly on the bench. "I really didn't mean to be so dramatic, I just- I love them but they're overwhelming sometimes. I needed some time away to process everything without them getting on my case"

"And yet they still got on your case" You sympathetically grinned.

"Funny how that works isn't it?" He questioned rhetorically. "There's no such thing as escaping their chaos. Bucky probably knew I wanted to be left alone which is why he wasn't much help."

His words made your heart sink and cheeks flush. Of course he wanted to be left alone you idoiot. That's why he wasn't picking up your calls or responding to your texts. He didn't want you here.

How could you possibly recover from that? How how could you crawl out of a grave you dug yourself? All you did was disrupt his peace.

Steve saw the slight fall in your confidence and the way your eyes averted then zoned out. He immediately felt awful knowing he chose the wrong words, and scrambled to try to control the damage. "But he also probably knew that I would do almost anything to be with you, so he sent you my way huh?"

Still not making eye contact, you nodded. It was almost shameful.

"Being with you is so much better than being alone, I'm happy you're here."

Smiles understood better than anyone that sometimes being alone was the only way to recharge the brain. You were even an advocate for some healthy alone time, but for some reason you were doubting your choice, and all the anxiety that had subsided since you two initially acquainted flooded back with vengeance.

Why the fuck did you do this? He doesn't even want you here, he's just too nice to tell you to leave.

This was a mistake.

Not even his words soothed your brain.

Steve heard of the concept of someone's brain running away, but he never quite understood until just now when he could physically see your thoughts running to a far off place. It was like you weren't even in your body anymore.

Having you with him but lacking the happy and bubbly personality he was so familiar with made him fill with conflicting emotions. He was gutted that actions as simple as talking to a friend made you feel like the earth was swallowing you whole, but it also touched him so deeply that you were willing to make yourself feel that way just for him.

Just so you could grant his wish of seeing the smile he's heard so much about, and even put a smile on his face.

It was a whole new level of love that he's never known.

"Where'd you go, sweetheart?" He questioned gently while placing a hand on your knee to snap you back into reality.

"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have bothered you. As long as you're okay I can just let everyone know that you're fine and leave you be"

"Well in that case, I'm awful. Absolutely downright terrible" He dramatically removed the hand from your knee and placed it over his chest while slumping further down the bench. "I need all the emotional support I could get. I probably shouldn't be left alone, and I especially shouldn't be left without my precious best friend"

God damn it. You couldn't even contain the giggle from within your chest regardless of the turmoil inside your head. How is he so good at that?

"I told you I already tried getting Bucky, he said no" you joked.

"Wow, you're so funny" He rolled his eyes. "Guess I'll have to settle for my other precious best friend"

"Want me to call Sam?"

"You think Sam is precious?" Steve raised an eyebrow, definitely questioning your judgment.

"I used to. But after he threw me over his shoulder like it was nothing, I'm a little scared of him" You explained only half joking. "But whatever floats your boat"

"I think I should've chosen my words more carefully" he flashed big, blue apologetic eyes at you. "I didn't want to be alone, but I wanted them to leave me alone. Being with you right now? That's a privilege I'm going to hold onto until you quite literally tell me to leave. I'm savoring every second of this"

He swore he could see the tiniest twinkle in your big doe eyes as the corners of your lips tugged upwards.

"Don't worry, this won't be the last time. You don't have to savor it too much" This time, his attempt at easing your tense disposition had worked. You felt your shoulders relax a bit as you started becoming accustomed to his physical form. "Do you want to talk about why you were crying, do you want a distraction, or do you want me to just sit with you for a bit?"

One thing you learned from your therapist that often came in handy was to give people choices rather than asking if they needed anything. It provided low pressure options rather than a high pressure choice when they couldn't express their needs properly.

Steve appreciated your approach.

"If I talk about it, I'm probably going to cry again" He warned, but earned a smile in response.

Between old fashioned gender stereotypes and the weight his title held for so many people, crying always felt like something he needed to hide. But with you, it felt safe. He felt safe.

"No judgement here. I cried last night because I read a tweet about a dog who lost his favorite toy in a river. I think it's safe to say we're all a mess right now" You confessed, hoping to make him more comfortable.

"My emotions have been very conflicting recently. I loved Tony a lot, I was even friends with his dad Howard way back in the day. But we always fought like cats and dogs, we were like night and day. I've been doubting pretty much every interaction I had with him wondering if I could've done better. Maybe I should've watched my temper a bit, kept my cool when I knew he was just trying to get under my skin." He stoped and took a deep breath to try and recollect himself as the gateways threatened to flood. "I guess I just feel like it's not my place to me moping around. Like I don't deserve to be grieving when half the time I spent with him was bickering about stuff that didn't even matter in the long run, regardless of how much he actually meant to me. So instead I've just been letting it all out when no one else is watching"

You didn't miss the way he bit the inside of his bottom lip to keep it from quivering.

"Tony loved you so much, Steve" You stated with all the confidence in the world. "That's a fact. I'm not even just saying that to make you feel better. Even though you guys got on each other's nerves he always told me about your arguments over dinner and how he appreciated that you challenged him. He even told me that sometimes he would walk you right into an argument just to pick your brain apart."

"I knew it" Steve shook his head and let a sad giggle escape.

"You wanna know what his last words were to me?" You questioned, but he didn't have an option. "He told me to trust you and to let you into my life. He said that you're my guy, he saved my file and gave it to you. Tony treated me way better than I ever deserved, like I was some sort of crowned jewel or prized possession. Do you really think he would trust someone he didn't like with something so important to him? Would he use his last words to me to speak about you if he didn't love you just as much as you love him?"

"Probably not" Steve mumbled and wiped a rogue tear off his cheek.

"This whole situation sucks. There's no right or wrong way to grieve, and there will always be something we could've done differently. But regardless of how we spent our time with him, we were his family. There is no doubt in my mind that he didn't love the absolute shit out of you"

"Happy told me that Tony thought of you as a daughter, so hearing it straight from your mouth gives me reason to actually believe it"

This time, you reached out and used your thumb to swipe a tear off his beautifully soft and chiseled face.

"I think I've proven that I wouldn't lie to you.... Well- beyond the obvious" you smiled, and he hummed in agreement. "We're all so lucky to have you. You're the glue that keeps us all from falling apart, but that doesn't mean you have to skip out on receiving a little love sometimes."

"Thank you" It came out as more of a whisper than he intended. "For sharing your spot, coming down here to see me- treating me like a human being"

"I'm actually really glad you came here" You admitted. "This is where I come when I'm sad or anxious. Tony made me this bench, cleaned up the pond, added the plants and the fish just to make it a nicer place for me. It cheers me up every single time. I think it's a good reminder that everything he's done is still all around us, even after death he's helping me cope. It's a beautiful way to stay connected with him"

"Really? He did all of this for you?" Steve questioned taking in a good look at the beautiful landscaping and atmosphere.

"I told you, he treated better than I deserved. He even had me pick out the fish"

"Oh you definitely deserved this" Steve shut down your statement. "Are you kidding me? You deserve a pond the size of the ocean"

"Oh? You're gunna do this too huh? Maybe you and Tony had more in common than you think" You denied his claim.

"...all seven oceans. Put together."

"That's seventy one percent of the world. I don't think we have enough fishies for that" You giggled.

"You're right, we're going to need more fishies" he agreed. Something about Captain America saying the word 'fishies' tickled your brain. Before you could even form a response back to him, he was already on a new topic. "I can't believe Sam an Bucky knew and didn't say anything"

"I'm actually really impressed" You nodded in agreement as you felt a new wave of calmness wash over you. "They were egging you on, weren't they?"

"A week an a half of encouraging me to ask yo-" he stopped mid sentence. "Nope. I've said too much"

That earned a real laugh from you, and allowed him to get a good look at your face. He swore you were a real life angel.

Your features were soft and timeless. A supple jaw, adorable nose, a dusting of freckles and permanently pink cheeks. You looked like you were straight from a fairytale. Your soul was old but your style was modern, favoring towards neutrals with a pop of statement.

Where he was strong and sharp, you were smooth and rounded. There was no doubt that you complemented each other like Yin and Yang. You've always been complementary and interconnected, even just as two voices on a phone line.

The moment your laugh sounded in his ears he felt like he had known you forever, maybe even in a past life or two. You were humble and grounded, obviously deeply rooted into the ground while your head didn't even come near the sky.

Steve swore his heart skipped so many beats he might've been having a heart attack.

"Personally, I don't think you've said enough" You teased him earning the flash of a warning glare in his eyes. "Feeling better?"

"A lot better" he confirmed with a grin.

"I'm glad" You grinned.

"Are you feeling better?" He reciprocated the concern. "Let's see those hands"

You raised your hands and tried to keep them steady, but there was still a slight tremor. "I think that's from the two cups of cold brew I had today because I'm a whole lot calmer than I was before"

"Do you need your emotional support Eeyore?" Steve questioned jokingly as he turned around to see Eeyore was still watching him from your window.

"Do you need my emotional support Eeyore?" You interrogated right back. "He provides emotional support for the low fee of one treat per hour"

"I kind've feel like he hates me" Steve admitted with a chuckle as he continued to look up at breathing fuzz ball seven floors up.

"You could ask him yourself, you know?"

"You'd let me meet your son?!" Steve's face lit up.

"Of course! We could go right now if you wanted to" You shrugged with a smile.

"What are you waiting for?!?!" He shot up off the bench and his long legs carried him faster than you could even process. "Come on let's go!"

"You don't even know where you're going, wait up" you laughed while getting up and jogging to catch up with him.

He slowed down and walked backwards to watch you catch up, and he abruptly broke out in a giggle fit. "Holy moly you're short"

"My little legs can only carry me so far, and you're the size of a giraffe"

"No wonder why Sam picked you up" He observed as you walked past him and he turned around to face forward.

"Oh no!" you squealed and slipped past him as he tried to catch you in attempts to copy Sam. "Don't you dare!"

You busted out into a fit of giggles as you tried to avoid his attempts the whole way to your apartment. Obviously, he was letting you win, but it was worth every second of the heavenly sound escaping your lips.

Just as expected, Eeyore was in love with Steve. He flirtatiously followed him around and rubbed all over his legs before plopping down in front of his feet every time Steve stood up. And when he was sitting? Eeyore insisted that Steve's lap was the most comfortable and luxurious bed in the world.

Surrounded by your place of comfort, calmness finally overtook your anxiety flooded brain and allowed the familiarity of who you were with finally settle in. You felt more than comfortable around him.

Much like your phone calls, time together dragged on for hours with no regard to passing time. Five hours felt like five minutes and the only evidence of the day turning to night, and night growing to early hours of the day was both of your endless yawns and heavy eyelids. Oh, and a couple texts from Bucky that were unintentionally ignored due to a very distracting super soldier in your living room.

'Hello??!! Did you survive Steve???'

'Did Steve survive you? Are either of you alive? Are you okay?'

'I'm convinced he fell so deeply in love with you that he kidnapped you and is holding you hostage in the middle of the woods. Text back if you need help'

'Or he's so embarrassed that he died on the spot and you're hiding the body???'

After lots and lots of protesting, perhaps even being convinced that both of their butts were super glued to her couch, Steve had to go home at around one in the morning. Cause, you know, apparently work and saving lives was more important than shenanigans with his best friend.

Not long after Steve's betrayal, which is what you claimed he did by leaving to get some real sleep, Bucky called and interrupted you while cleaning up the evidence of your time spent with Steve.

Chinese takeout containers, a bottle of beer or two, and every perfectly rolled and fluffed blanket was now spread and piled across the sectional.

"What's up, Barnes?" You put the phone on speaker and tossed it onto the coffee table while you fought Eeyore for custody over the blanket pile.

"What the fuck did you do to Steve?" He questioned, definitely accusing you of an unspoken crime.

"What do you mean?" You giggled. "I invited him over? He played with my cat and we got food?"

"That's... all you did?" Still accusatory.

"I don't like the accusation. What are you getting at?" You pried.

"Why is he walking around like he just had the best most mind blowing sex of his life? What did you to do him?"

"Oh my god!" You screeched. "I didn't- we didn't"

"Smiles........"

"......James"

"He waltzed in here looking like a love drunk puppy."

"Way to call out your best friend" You blushed at the idea of Steve actually having a little high school crush on you even after he knew the truth. You never would've imagined ever having a chance with anyone in his league.

"My best friendSsssss. Emphasis on the multiple." He corrected. "Both of you. Just tell me."

"I pinky promise, nothing romantic happened. He's my friend, just like you are. Did you and I have mind blowing sex?"

"No" He grumbled. "But the difference is he was in love with you when you when you were just a voice and he was in love with you when you were a random drunk girl in an elevator. Combine the two and I just know he's bursting from the inside out"

"Steve is a terrible liar, if you don't believe me then ask him. You'll get the truth regardless of what he says"

"Are you in love with him too?"

"Of course I love him. I love all of you guys" You reasoned, dancing around the answer he was looking for.

You couldn't deny the way he made you feel every night. Steve made you feel warm and fuzzy, loved and safe just by speaking into his phone. However, you'd be naïve to ever say that was genuine romantic love. Most of the time, relationships that translate over the phone could be a rough and bumpy road in real life. The two of you never talked about what you really were, so you always stayed on the safe side of the caution tape and assumed you always had been and always will be friends.

"You know damn well that's not what I just asked"

"These are some very invasive questions" You scolded.

"And your lack of answer is telling me everything I need to know" He pushed earning a sigh from you.

"He's so far out of my league I don't even let myself think that far." You answered honestly.

"Oh you're so wrong" Bucky laughed at the ridiculousness of your statement.

"Bucky, he's like the jock that all the girls fight over in high school and I have no chance of even saying hi to him in the hallway."

"Didn't I just tell you about the whole love drunk puppy thing?"

"Yes. I know you know him better than anyone, but that doesn't make me feel any more suitable for him."

"You're both Avengers. Even Tony said you two would be cute together" Bucky pushed.

"If Steve wants to explore that love drunk puppy thing you were talking about, then I'll certainly give him the chance. But until then, I'm just going to continue thinking that he's way too cool and beautiful for me"

"You're just as ridiculous as he is, and I hate you both for it" He stated bluntly.

"Goodnight, James" You teased. "Love you lots"

"Goodnight, whatever your real name is." He teased you back. "Love you too"

"Y/N, you dipshit" You finally let him have it.

"Goodnight, Y/N You Dipshit"

"I hate you so bad" You rolled your eyes with a smile before hanging up.

Next: Mighty Superhero

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ladyvader23 · 4 months

Text

20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by the lovely @fanfictasia and @the-real-azalea-scroggs and this seems fun, so here we go!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

24, though I have some on ff.net that aren't posted on AO3 from the very early days

2. What's your total A03 word count?

850,878 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Star Wars, though I've dabbled in FFXIV recently.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Missing and Presumed Dead

Darth Vader Goes to Therapy

Just One Wish

Darth Vader Goes to School

Unexpected Truths (just like the title, I did not expect this one to be in the top 5 and I have questions)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to. I read and love every single comment I get, please don't get me wrong, comments absolutely FUEL me, but responding?? I have so much anxiety, it used to take me HOURS to respond to them all. Eventually it got to be so much on my emotional health that I decided it would be better to channel that into writing more for people to enjoy, so...that's what I do now. Again, comments fuel me, and I love you all, and I read every single comment and even have a lil' scrapbook of comments that I go back to whenever I'm feeling down about my writing, so I hope this doesn't give off the wrong impression...

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Easily Fracture. If you've read it, there's no explanation needed here. If you haven't...let's just say someone gets turned into a rug, among many other horrible things...

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uh...most of my fics have a happy ending of some sort. Some you just have to wade through more angst and whump to get to the happy ending than others. I think Missing and Presumed Dead had an ending I thought was perfect for it, as did Darth Vader Goes to Therapy. Both were happy endings AND endings that I thought were perfect for the story that was told.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I write for Star Wars. Yeah, I've gotten hate XD. Thankfully, it's rare. Usually people get upset with my interpretations because "iTs NoT cAnOn!" I really just don't care, so I just laugh and move on. Like if you wanted canon, why are you reading fanfic?? Probably the craziest though was when someone went on one of the biggest Tumblr blogs in the SW fandom and used my Darth Vader Goes to Therapy fic to support their argument that the Jedi were evil or whatever (idk, I wasn't part of the argument) and beyond the fact that it's wild to go into a fandom canon-based argument with super out of context quotes from a fanfiction to support your argument, but to do it with a fic that I 100% wrote as a COMEDY is just. Wow. I was suddenly flooded with so much hate from a bunch of people who had never read my fic, thought it was a seriously written piece of literature, and assumed I agreed with everything the person said and I didn't even know until I went to the post and had to defend myself...every once in a while someone will not see that defense and will message me more hate. Like it's a crack fic. Granted, I DID do research on real therapy practices because I didn't want to make a joke out of therapy, but everything else was 100% a joke. I'm really glad people love it (so do I!) and resonate with it, but it's not canon. I don't think the person intended for me to get so much hate, so I definitely don't blame them, but it was a lot.

9. Do you write smut?

Um. Ahem. I may or may not have a private stash from like. Deleted scenes in fics that had romance in them back when I wrote those. That I will. Definitely. Never publish. Don't worry about it. >>

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes! Though I've only done a few. I think the only one on AO3 was the crossover with The Last of Us, done before the TV adaption.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Sort of. There was that scare a few years ago when everyone thought a random website had stolen everyone's fics, but it turned out it wasn't that exactly. AO3 isn't available everywhere, so there are sites that are just set up to mirror whatever is on AO3 so that people can read fics on that site, and it happened to be one of those sites. Oh boy, though, did they get a lot of hate mail before it got clarified. Then there was that time I had someone write a fanfic that they said they wrote with a similar concept to my ff.net story Second Chances, but then one of their friends was like "this is a rip off" so they asked me to read it before they posted it to make sure they hadn't ripped it off. Except...it was almost 90% word for word....so uh. I didn't give my blessing and I don't think it ever got posted lol.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I've had fics translated into Russian, Chinese, Korean and French. My most common requests for translation are Russian and Chinese. I've never actively tried to get something translated, it's just whoever asks me for permission.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! (I'm keeping Aza's answer for this part since it's true) There's the memorable Great April Flood, which was basically a dozen of Star Wars writers gathering together to do a massive round robin with tumblr asks prompt fills (those three sentence fics, if anyone remembers) in order to flood our side of tumblr on April Fools in 2020.

I also did an Inuyasha fanfic with my cousin when I was a teenager, and I didn't technically co-write it, but I did heavily work with a specific character for my Fushigi Yugi Genbu Kaiden series with my best friend in high school as well.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I mean, I'm pretty open to whatever. I think I've written Luke with like....5 or 6 different people depending on the story?? But if I had to choose, I guess I'm pretty consistently Percybeth, so I guess them???

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The Assassins Blade. Like it was a great story....but omg. I got so much harassment about the most random things, sometimes on every. single. chapter. it just wore me down and I just don't write romance-centric fics anymore, which is sad because I DO like writing romance.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Finding the comedy in even the darkest moment. Taking a horrific situation and really just letting the characters feel the emotions of the moment, letting them bask in the consequences of either their actions or the actions of others.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Well, anyone who has ever edited my stuff will probably say "too many redundant sentences" and you know what? They're right. Fluff-centric scenes are difficult, as well. I also will disappear for months on end when I'm just. In a weird funk. Which I still kind of am in at the moment, but I'm actively trying to break through it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't really have an opinion on this one.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First one I wrote for: Final Fantasy X, but my mom wouldn't let me publish because it was the days of the internet when all parents thought their child was going to be kidnapped if they did anything other than look at the internet. It was bad though, so I'm not sad I didn't publish.

First one I published: Inuyasha. I published behind my mom's back, and got in trouble when she found out, but then she looked at everyone's comments and figured out that I was not, in fact, overly in danger of being kidnapped, so she let it go.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Darth Vader Goes to Therapy. I will never be that funny ever again. I achieved my peak comedy with that fic. But a very close second is Missing and Presumed Dead, and sometimes, depending on the day, that one is my favorite and DVGTT is a close second.

This was fun! Tagging @sunshinechildskywalker @25centsoda and @zoryany but definitely don't feel like you have to!

#fanfic #writing game #ask me #my writing

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holllandtrash · 1 year

Note

woah woah woah. i am the anon that sent that message and i have a bone to pick with you. first you completely ignore my apology after i have explained how you misinterpreted my words. then you go on to reply to others and spread false info?? FYI- i wasn’t referring to your tiktok, i’ve never even viewed your page bc it’s probably boring af. i was referring to the hundreds of posts on your tumblr. who do you think you are to talk to me like this? get over yourself you’re not a celebrity 💀

if you had come off anon and reached out to me privately or sent me a message, i would have loved to have a conversation with you and clear the air, but because you want to continue to hide behind the secrecy of a screen, i am going to respond to this publicly and i am going to break down my response so no one gets their feelings hurt.

"i am the anon that sent that message and i have a bone to pick with you." this is not how you start a conversation with anyone, and if you are looking for respect here, you're not getting it by starting off like that.

"first you completely ignore my apology after i have explained how you misinterpreted my words." if you had looked at my recent post, you would have seen I put out a general thank you to those who did send kind words. i did not respond to every single one, or any of them for that matter (except 1) because as mentioned, i was taking a short little break from tumblr and did not want to read my inbox. by the time i did go to look at what people had sent me, i skimmed the inbox and realised that a lot of them had some not so nice things to say about you and your message and the last thing i wanted was more negativity on my page, regardless of who it was directed at. for your benefit, i kept those messages in the inbox. i put out one general thank you because this situation was something i wanted to move on from.

also this was your apology:

no where in that message is a proper explanation as to what you were referring to when you said "u need to write more fanfics instead of giving your opinions."

also what if i didn't accept your apology? i don't owe it to you to respond if i don't want to.

"then you go on to reply to others" i replied to one person because the first sentence in their message caught my eye. that user is from italy, more specifically the region that is affected by the flooding and i wanted to share with them they were in my thoughts and i hoped they were safe.

"and spread false info??" FYI- i wasn’t referring to your tiktok, i was referring to the hundreds of posts on your tumblr. what false info? yes, i admit, maybe i did jump to assume you were referring to my podcast/tik tok and what i had said about imola, but in my defence, why would someone come on my blog and tell me to not post on my blog? that doesn't make any sense at all, and again, it's just rude. maybe you meant it as a joke, (you didn't, we know that now) but you need to understand that you cannot go into someone's inbox and say things like that. people are allowed to post what they want on their blogs. if you just wanted to read their work, there's a good chance they have a masterlist you can scroll through to avoid the rest of their posts.

"i’ve never even viewed your page bc it’s probably boring af." please see exhibit a: you saying you love my page and my podcast (which is the exact same as my tik tok). so you're being dishonest in one of those messages. also, i can assure you it's not boring. if it were boring, i wouldn't have been invited to texas or toronto to work with other creators, but i totally understand if my content is not something you want to watch or listen to. it's not for everyone, but it's also certainly not boring.

"who do you think you are to talk to me like this?" this is what i said:

you are quite literally the one who sent me a message with the underlying tone that said "talk less, write more" and you are not the first person to send me a message like that, your message was simply the one that pushed me over the edge and i had to say something. you are the one who came to my page and said "u need to write more fanfics instead of giving your opinions." so let me ask you, who do you think you are, talking to me like that? those paragraphs i put out were, yes, for you but also for the dozens of other people who think its fair to tell people to write more. if you saw that and got personally offended because you thought it was a message that resonated with you and what you had said, that's on you.

"get over yourself you’re not a celebrity" never said i was babes, i'm just a human being. i will stand up for myself and share my opinions and i believe you have been extremely disrespectful. i've done nothing wrong. my inbox is still open, as are my messages, if you would like to come off anon and have a real conversation. but until you understand that there is a way to talk to people and how spoke to me is not it, i fear you may not get the respect you desire.

as per your most recent message:

i don't believe you're sorry for the outburst, but i do believe it was sent in frustration and haste. again, if you had reached out to me privately and off anon, this whole thing could have been avoided. thank you for liking my writing, i am not apologising for anything i said or for my personality as you seem to be the only one who has a problem with it. if you would like to unfollow me, i understand, but please, don't leave any more messages for any more writers that implies 'talk less, write more'.

thank you

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fasupon · 8 months

Text

There will be a lot of text (PROBABLY), but I needed to explain where I went and what is going on

As many may have noticed, posts from me are missing, or they appear once every millennium. The fact is that for this period of time I am heavily burdened with work and study. And work and learning at the same time is already difficult. And in the summer of 2024 I have to defend my master’s thesis. So it turns out that all the effort is spent on writing a dissertation, plus half a day stuck at work… Obviously, I do not have time for my hobbies.

Personal problems were also added to the work and study, for example, since the beginning of 2023 I had a wild procrastination. Well, very wild. This, of course, prevents me from learning things in disciplines and writing a dissertation, not to mention drawing. The struggle against this enemy also takes a lot of energy. Alas, the nerves from this have really suffered. And I will be honest with you: I have repeatedly tried to do the irreparable again – to leave all social networks, as it was once. But it won’t do any good, will it? That’s why the posts are so rare. And classical dissatisfaction with myself as an «artist», without quotation marks I can not call myself one, ha-ha (you see, I again bully myself :[ ).

This, of course, does not mean that I will directly abandon my blogs, but only confirm the rarity of my original posts. The Tumblr blog is already flooded with all sorts of stuff and tags between buddies. Speaking of tags, if I don’t respond to your tags, comments, or your own posts like I did before, then… feel free to resent me, yeah. I’m so wrapped up in problems that sometimes I can’t find the strength to comment or write something back. I only occasionally look through posts and leave comments and likes.

So… I know it’s ungrateful to whine, and I don’t like all this whining. And if you read this post – I am very grateful and admire your patience towards me and my alotofwords-post. And I give you a virtual pie for this (the stuffing make up yourself, I do not know your preferences. I like meat better)) )

I would also like to express my great gratitude to the people with whom I have developed a friendly relationship. I know that some of you have repeatedly offered your shoulder to speak out. But I can not force myself (and I don’t want to, to be honest) to burden you with my problems. Frankly, it was a pleasant surprise for me. I’m glad there are people around who care about me. Know that I love you very much, and if it wasn’t for your support, then… I wouldn’t be here right now.

Here, I would like to wish you strength – the butting heads with your issues for a place in the sun is another task))) Take care of yourself, don’t allow negative thoughts and experience to influence you no matter how difficult and painful it may be. You clearly deserve the best in the world ♡( ◡‿◡ )

#fasu #fasutalk #Important #Really important

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give-soup-please · 2 years

Note

Hey, it's the anon who had the long-winded narrator dream again. I have two things I wanna say to you, firstly, I saw him again! Granted it's a bit blurry now, some minor dreams can almost be entirely erased by the blurring of waking, but because it happened, I tried my best to hold onto the memory of it. I told him that you were sorry for leaving, but that life got in the way. I remember him smiling despite my mental depiction of him not really having a physical form. I think he told me to tell you that it's alright? I then also told him to pursue you when you guys meet in a dream, implying for you guys to have an actual conversation.

(Also whenever I mentioned you, somehow I said your name and "Soup" at the same time, but now I'm realising I called you "Jayce" which I mean. Close enough?)

Secondly, I have been watching your blog from the start of you making your tsp headcannons. And I think you've changed, in a good way of course. I'm not sure on how to describe it, but overtime, you revealed more of the person beneath this blog, and the more you did, the more you shaped my mental perception of you. Fuck, I think the first thing I saw of yours was the narrator commission you got. Back then, you were just the default avatar in my mind. Not exactly someone who would stick well. But then I became intrigued in you, started checking your blog every-so-often, started reading what you had wrote. That's when you became more of a person. Eventually you changed into one of those object head people, even once me accidentally creating the image in my mind of your icon with a poorly photoshopped picture of soup on it. Then you told us your circumstance of life. I think that made me see you as more human since then. More and more you became an actual real human, which is quite uncommon for my brain to subconsiously recognise people on The Internet as a human person, some of my friends or partners don't even get that. Then I sent my dream in and you said your name. I suddenly had a full mental depiction of you. It was like taking off a mask, I could see you, face and all. I know it's not realistic in the slightest, it never is, but I just thought I should tell you. That I can see you. That I understand. Obviously you don't have to even care about this part of the ask, or respond to it, I just wanted to tell you that you are so. Real to me. And that I hope to see you again. Doesn't matter how, when or where, I have hope that maybe, maybe I'll see you again. :) 💙

This is another message I've been keeping in my inbox for a while, just staring and smiling. Thanks for passing the message along. I think it's been made clear to him that I'm taking a solid break. It's very interesting how we build perceptions of other people in our minds.

I'm glad that I started feeling comfortable enough to let other people perceive me. I've made a lot of strong connections with people as a result. I get worried, sometimes, that I share too much. That my safety may be compromised somehow, if I reveal more than I already have. But I look at this message, and I think it was worth it.

I am real to other people. What a joy that is.

I believe you will see me again. It's not going to be the same, going forward, but I have dreams and I'm planning on accomplishing them. One day, when this blog is a very distant memory, an old follower of mine will go to a bookstore, and glance around, not looking for anything in particular. They'll see my name on a book, and there will be a very distant memory. They'll flip to the back where the author bio is, and it will mention that my favorite food is soup, or some other similar injoke.

And the memories will come flooding back.

"That son of a bitch really did it. He made it." They'll say.

Or not. It's a funny way to picture it happening though.

You've appeared in my inbox a few times, anon. I recognize that blue heart sign off. I don't know anything besides that heart, indicating it's you. Maybe you requested something with a username attached, maybe you didn't. I don't remember. The point being, I see you, too.

I won't be gone entirely. The posts and reblogs will stop, but I'll still be alive, consuming content.

And should the day ever come when I'm ready to come back, to post on a regular basis again, you'll know. If I'm ever ready, Should it ever come to pass... it'll be hilarious. I found the perfect picture and everything. I don't make promises I can't keep, but there's always a chance I could come back. I never close a door that shouldn't be closed.

Until then, keep an eye out for me. And maybe someday, we'll meet again.

#personal #not tsp related

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evansbby · 1 year

Note

I’m so sorry you’re feeling anxious about being on here, I totally get the feeling and it’s a difficult one to navigate. I was a blog in the Taylor Swift fandom for a while (when she was on here), actively posting and interacting with others, and it was way too much. Everyone would instantly flood Tumblr every time she would come on and start responding to or liking things, making everything feel a lot more disingenuous (at the same time you couldn’t help but get swept up in the fervor). People were also MEAN. God I remember there were these big/popular blogs in the fandom that formed tight cliques. Honestly sometimes it was better when the blogs were outwardly bitchy than when they’d try to hide it. They’d act super wholesome and fun-loving (so Taylor would see) but their true colors would show in their interactions with people who weren’t somehow boosting their platform. I just didn’t understand why you would create a public blog and then almost make it a competition to see who could capture your attention, like who would be good enough to warrant a response from the great blog that’s received 12 likes from Taylor. It was incredibly anxiety-inducing. I never felt like I knew what I was doing, every time I would log in I felt I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. And of course the rude people came in too, yelling at me from time to time in my inbox, and that shit cut deep. On the surface I would pretend to be okay but I distinctly remember going to my mom and sobbing into her shoulder because of the drama. I ended up leaving that blog behind and starting a completely different one to just follow tumblrs i like more generally (and now I’m in this fanfic world which is amazing lol), and it’s a lot better. I still have some public social media accounts, but I would say what has been most helpful for me is understanding that social media means that people who would never have the guts to say shit to you in person will lobby whatever the fuck over anon or a tweet or a comment. They love being shielded by their anonymity, the fact that you don’t know who it is. But they could never bring that to you in person, and that’s a comfort. Also knowing that the people who truly know you would never say something like that, so the problem isn’t you. This is your space, you are an incredible, amazing, witty writer, and no one can take that away from you. Sorry that this turned into a rant about my own experiences, but I just wanted to say that it can get better. Took me a long time to stop caring about mean people as much and oftentimes I still feel the sting of their words, but it’s a lot better than it was. Thank you for being awesome and @ every mean anon, LEAVE EVANSBBY ALONE!!!!!!!!

You’re the sweetest! Thank you so much for this message! Yes, I agree that fandom spaces can get super cliquey at times, which honestly sucks. It’s always good to not invest too much emotionally in a fandom or a celebrity to the point where things start affecting you mentally, but I understand sometimes people can’t help it. I think an element of detachment is always good… that way you can never get hurt or upset bahahaha. I hope you’re in a better space now too!! I’m working on myself and trying to see what’s good for me to do currently in regards to this blog and tumblr in general!

#anon

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salamanderinspace · 2 years

Text

thoughts about privacy

I've been feeling self conscious on social media because there's a bunch of posts going around - I mean, I've seen them each 10 times at least, from mutuals usually, so people who I know are smart and trustworthy people - that are like, "you need to have your feelings in private. You need to have a friend group to talk about private stuff with."

I have many friend groups, with varying levels of emotional intimacy. I am in many group chats and discord servers and reddits and some more IRL communities as well. And I know what to expect from my friends, and what is reasonable to expect. I am sometimes the one who asks the questions. Who responds to answers with support and jokes and context, or just a cute emoji or meme if I'm tired. If I share my own feelings and stories, the reactions are not usually helpful to me. Sometimes there are no reactions. Sometimes people get emotional. Sometimes people are cool and dismissive. Occasionally they are kind. Obviously it varies a lot person to person and in different communities. I know I can trust different people to handle different things. …But it still feels a little like rolling the dice, every time.

I like having a blog to keep it all in one place and to talk to myself and to store my memories. For like two years I've actually had this blog set to unsearchable / undiscoverable, but I made sure to flip that switch recently because I want to do some fandom stuff here. But like. I like talking to me, and I like when a mutual clicks the like button because there is no imperative for me to provide any care-work for that kind of interaction. I say my thoughts. Someone reads them. No aftercare. Usually. Unless there are anons or something, but that's generally only when a post escapes containment.

I'm not capable of being dramatically different in public versus in private. I don't know if I was born that way or if it had something to do with how I grew up without any privacy at all. I can keep secrets, and I have, though sometimes they confuse me, or make me feel really alienated, like I'm in a different world than everyone else. When I was growing up, when I was heavily surveilled, I learned data-flooding as a tactic to divert that attention; my parents would examine my browser history and read my keystrokes, so I would visit 10 "safe" websites for every unsafe one. Be more instead of less. This is actually helpful when confronting a lot of corporate data mining stuff - I remember a few years back, before google or anything, there were anarchist circles for trading sock puppet shoppers' club cards at grocery stores so they couldn't track purchases.

That's all to say I feel pretty safe with this dumb blog because there's so much stuff in it that anyone looking for one kind of thing in particular is going to have to hunt pretty hard for it.

I also don't feel like I'm responsible for someone elses' violence towards me. Like, someone reading personal shit in my blog and then trying to bully me with it is very much their problem, not mine. It reminds me of that spate of posts awhile back that were super condescendingly worded like, "oh sUMMER chiLDREN, you MUST NOT put PERSONAL information in your HEADER because it is not INTERNAT SAFETY." Safety is always used as an excuse for policing. If you want to put your age and pronouns and identities and triggers in your blog header, you're going to connect to as many like minded people as there are shitty ones - that's my experience. It's not necessary to be cagey and distrustful. It's not your fault if you're not.

I am not a brand. I do not have be quiet and small.

It reminds me of that quote from Sense8, "art is love made public."

Obviously privacy is a right and we're going to have to fight for it a lot in the coming times. I just feel like expressing love in public is a right too, that is also being infringed upon a lot.

But anyway. The original point. The original post. I think "process your thoughts in private, emotionally intimate communities and safe spaces" is great advice. It's also like advising someone to have a diverse investment portfolio, or to get into the real estate market. Not everyone has the resources for it. Like saying "you guys, you NEED to have a 401k!"

I'm a lot luckier than most people but there are needs that are not and perhaps cannot be met. Even trained professionals can't keep up with me. Not even close. The first therapist I ever saw told me my problem was that I should go to Weight Watchers. The second hit on me. The third seemed smart but she had her practice in her house with her 14 cats, and I have allergies. The fourth had red flags bigger and brighter than 14 cats. The fifth was a chinese grad student who didn't say a word to me in the session, just took notes. I could go on and on but I don't want to sound judgmental, I'm not. Humans are humans. Humans do not have what I require. Only the void has that.

I suppose this is all to say that I know I write the kind of fics and posts and metas that make people x out of their browsers in disgust and then pace and then go to work and then come home and then reload my shit in an incognito browser and then ruminate and then complain to their friends in discord servers and I don't know how to protect you from those feelings, so I'm going to post about dicks now.

#personal

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geekinthelowlands · 1 year

Text

I posted 897 times in 2022

That's 789 more posts than 2021!

9 posts created (1%)

888 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ladyshinga

@wingedyera

@lunellum

@petraforgedyke

@seananmcguire

I tagged 86 of my posts in 2022

#gow spoilers - 3 posts

#gow ragnarok - 3 posts

#my blorbos ;; - 2 posts

#hahaha - 2 posts

#writing - 2 posts

#creative writing - 2 posts

#ahahaha - 2 posts

#this is monmon - 1 post

#mostly just trying to do what they think is right and best for their families - 1 post

#responding is option though - 1 post

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#i watched this movie so much and made my parents rent it so often that they decided it was more financially responsible to just buy it

My Top Posts in 2022:

I am having totally normal amounts of feelings for the new God of War game. It's fine.

1 note - Posted November 17, 2022

16 or 30

16. Where do you feel most at home?

This is... harder than I thought it would be? I don't know it off the top of my head, but when I'm there, I recognize the feeling. Sometimes when it's with certain people, regardless of the physical location. Other times, I can just be alone and relax whatever has knotted itself in my core.

30. What do you do to feel at peace?

Uhhh. Why are these such stumpers?

Listen to music, I guess? Sometimes I can find peace in an activity (like baking), but other times that same activity just infuriates me. What *do* I do to feel at peace?

Fuck.

1 note - Posted September 21, 2022

“Just ask,” she whispered in Sara’s ear in a husky voice as they stared down at the blue and green ball that was Sara’s home planet. “Just ask, and I will spare them all.”

A shiver ran down Sara’s spine as she looked at the planet, spinning on heedless of the danger. Even though she knew she wasn’t looking at her planet, large windows were a ridiculous risk on a spaceship. The screens that surrounded them, however, were so realistic that she couldn’t help the flutter of fear in the pit of her stomach. Her breath caught as Chlo gently trailed the backs of her fingers over Sara’s cheek.

“Aren’t you supposed to offer something else?” Sara’s voice trembled as she turned her head to study Chlo, who gave a soft chuckle as she walked over to lean on one of the screens. Sara resisted the urge to pull her away from the endless black that surrounded them.

“What would I offer that I haven’t already done for you? I have killed and died, making those meaningless sacrifices to prove my love. But to spare a life? To let those live that I think should die is a gift I have given no one else.”

[I don't know what this is, but I just had to write this little snippet. Inspired by this post https://ladyshinga.tumblr.com/post/690808917292351488 ]

1 note - Posted July 27, 2022

I'm on such a different schedule to many of my mutuals, I sometimes wonder what it's like. I know there are people who "queue" things. I don't. I come on this hellsite (affectionate) and go through what people have posted and just... like and reblog as the fancy strikes me.

So, uh, sorry if you follow me and get flooded every night in your sleep XD

2 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Maybe it's because I know that my Tumblr is a tiny corner of the internet where few dare to tread but here is where I feel I can write something.

My brother's birthday is coming up, and with everything that has been ongoing for everyone globally and me personally, the date has been hitting harder this year.

My brother would have been 46 years old on the 15th of this month. What would our relationship look like? Would we have bonded, like my sister and I managed to do once we started to get away from my parents? Would we have lost all touch?

I get a little down when it comes to the anniversary of his death because it's a terrible thing to remember. It's a time period that's engraved deep in my core. But what's worse, in some ways, is coming up to the date of his birth and thinking about all the birthdays I didn't get to celebrate with him. All the happy things I didn't get to share with him.

It's been years, and the grief gets smaller and mostly I'm ok - but it never really goes away. You always miss them, no matter what anyone says.

6 notes - Posted February 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #I'm a lurker what can I say #original content? Who is she?

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look-at-the-soul · 1 year

Note

Hi! Gossip Girl here! ❤️ I'm actually doing pretty goodish right now! Me and My friends on Campus actually ended up getting really really really lucky hurricane wise where we were! Even though it basically ran right over us, we were on the Eastern Coast of Florida right when Ian went from like a Category three into a tropical storm again (and then did you see right after it got back on the ocean it build up into a hurricane again!) ! That alone was a part of a miracle really for me too because it meant that even though my college canceled classes they didn't force us to evacuate either. If they had I probably wouldn't have had anywhere to go (where I would have felt safe in) that was out of the path since they waited until they day before it hit Florida to tell us we could go (which made everyone mad). So in the end I basically ended up staying in more dorm for almost all of the week with my suitemate and friends snaking on the food we had in our cabinets! It really ended up being constant rain and very very windy and the power did go out for a bit. And then my campus also got very lucky, even though we had one of the highest rain amounts, we didn't have major flooding all over because of we aren't right on the beach and a little higher up! There was one parking lot at the bottom of a hill though that got completely flooded and I saw pictures of people actually swimming in it after Ian had kinda left! And we have some planes on campus that were like tied to the tarmac with chains and on one plane a few of the chains actually broke and the plane ended up getting turned around by Ian! But yeah! Over all I actually got very very luck with how it ended up for me! I saw the news and like social media all the videos of what it did to the west coast and like Sanible Island😭😭 I know a good number of friends who have family in the areas that got hit bad😭 I'm also just very much keeping them in my prayers! Cuba and Puerto Rico to!😔 Cuba got hit by Ian right before Florida did and the Puerto Rico got hit by another one pretty hard only like a week or so before 😖 Plus I saw the other day they there is already a 80% chance depression/storm/hurricane forming in almost the exact spot Ian did with in like 5 days!

But other than that I'm doing pretty well! I already did start classes again this Monday and have basically had a test every day of the week to make up for what was missed🥲 And I did try writing and got maybe a paragraph or two more done but then there ended up being like two of my others friends in the room and more in the room next door and they were all in here and kept getting both distracted and nervous about writing in front of them! 😂Plus I didn't want my phone do die while the power was out and I wanted to save the life in the portable charger I had just in case. And since all my teachers are trying to catch on on what was missed I feel like I have more work this week! But tomorrow is my like one day where I have a longer break and I may try to force myself to write then to self motivate😅! Even if it's not one of my current stories I may try do do sometime for one of the head cannons ideas I have that are shorter and don't require as much grammar checking😅😂

I'll totally have to look at that App too! I don't mind too much not being able to use photos. I guess I can just put spaces in the spots where I want them to go and put them in when I go to post! I see if I can get it! (Also I'm interested in what "Drunk Tommy" means 🤫😂)

Re-blogging is pretty cool! Sometimes I'm scared to reblog my own stuff on my own b/c again anxiety and there's a little voice in my head that tells me it's just repeating what's been seen so don't bother. But I know that it's stupid because I've seen others reblog their own stuff (especially time zone re blogs) before even if it's not to respond to someone else and no one seems to mind at all! I probably should do it more but I'm also kinda scared if I do it someone will be like why do you keep re blogging your old stuff and rarely post new or what not. But idk? I think I need to write more before I can re blog what I write😂 I'm also probably a moron too because I really didn't understand what reblogging was when I first got on, and even now I'm still not use to it. I only got on here like a year or two ago and didn't realise that it did more than just liking. So if there was a story I really really liked and wanted to say something, I would end up just commenting on it instead of re blogging. Then I learned to reblog is better but I'm still not too use to it, especially when my anxiety about interacting gets the better of me:( but I am trying to do it more (when I am active) because like you said I like seeing how people interact and get excited over the ideas! When I'm to nervous to interact by reblogging though I do try and like send an anon comment though and let them know I liked it that way, which probably isn't as "good" but still! (Kinda like how we started this😂)

Ok I just realized how long this is getting so I'm gonna send this part and then I'll write the next part and send that so it's not like a super super long thing😂 See you soon!

Xoxo Gossip Girl

Hey GG!! finally my answer and sorry for the time it took me, but better late than ever, and it’s good to have a couple of things to talk about... I hope you are doing great, and that school’s going good too, you must be close to test dates or something by now.

I know its been a while since the hurricane, but I’m glad to hear everything went well and you and your friends were safe. :) I know what you mean, it must be pretty scary to have to evacuate, sometimes those natural disasters take away everything. Oh no! I wouldn’t know what to do in that kind of situation, and everything around must be very chaotic. Really? Just a day before? That’s a terrible organization, no wonder everybody got mad, I mean apart from the scary times and they do that??? pff -.-

But it’s a good thing that you were with your friends, some good company during the storm days and to pass time, how did you cope with that? It must have been frustrated to know that uni had some flooding, but thankfully it wasn’t a big damage. Oh wow the plane “swimming” around must’ve been shocking!! So even though Ian was a storm, it was heavy *shocked* I saw some news to, families lost everything, there were small boats trying to find survivors, people crying over the destruction, I mean working all of heir lives and then watching everything destroyed :( What? I didn’t know Cuba and Puerto Rico were damaged to, they didn’t cover a lot of that on the news :/ but I hope things are getting better for everybody now that’s been some time, I will keep them in my prayers as well! ❤ Hurricane times are now gone luckily, it’s been quite a year huh? In Mexico city had an earthquake on the very same day that a previous one happened, they were actually doing a simulacrum and it happened at even the same time of the day (statistically it’s almost impossible, yet it happened).

Let me know how is school going now, and best of luck with homework/tests for you, don’t forget to take some rest from time to time, I know students have lots of pressure. Haha so you don’t like to write with noise around huh? Right? The distractions ugh are so frustrating haha I hope later you found some time on your own to do some writing, it’s been the best therapy for me *hearts* oh they don’t that you write!!!! And then they start asking questions, the same happens to me haha and it’s so hard to keep lying about it well yes in that case the battery was more important to see the news and stay in touch... ohh tell me did you write later on your day off?? I’ve tried to keep up with some stories and I have a couple of new Tommy one shots under my sleeve that I try to post one part of each per week. We’ve been sending some gifs around, I find that inspiration hits a lot from a gif. Oh please share some of those ideas! I’m curious now haha have to confess a secret, I’ve been reading some Alfie stories written by amazing people here and I’m starting to like those a lot.

Good thing there are a lot of options to use, depending of what you need :) ohh that drunk Tommy story is this one haha I just had to write it as the general idea of the story. Oww babes no, don’t be scared, just do it! ;) you see, sometimes you need to be your own cheerleader first, so it’s fine to re-blog your own work. Yeah I sometimes read a story that was just posted, and reblog later or the next day, thinking someone who didn’t saw the original post will be able to see it. Sharing is caring right? But also reblogging something is a nice way to find new stories ;) otherwise I wouldn’t be able to find some amazing stories around (hoping to see some of your somewhere down he road) oh don’t worry I’m a moron too, because I used to reply to rb in the comments box, then I understood the power of rb :) really? So you’ve been around for a while! I’m about to turn 1 year old lol I remember clearly because my first post was a Tommy/Charlie Xmas photo super cute. I feel the same I was so shy at first but here I am reblogging smut 24/7haha and non smut stories as well... but don’t be shy, everybody is so kind and caring here, I am surprised by the amount of love online, in comparison to what I get irl, anyway whatever way you choose to interact is more than alright, I’d say :) and it makes me so so happy to see you around GG.

Al right, so I only have one message in my drafts, i will try to answer that one tomorrow, in the mean time I hope you’re doing just fine and your weekend is going good, I’m about to catch a Xmas movie

And do some writing too :)

Have you seen the new version of GG? I didn’t see all the first series but I think I will stick to that one...

Alright, have a good night GG xoxo

0 notes

quindolyn · 3 years

Note

Please can i request a smut with young sirius black where the reader is very insecure and dosen't think she deserves him. Where he praises her and shows her just how pretty he thinks she is. Could you include daddy kink, praise kink and pet names if you are comfortable with that?

(also thank you for the sympathy Chinese food)

Worthy || Sirius Black

Word Count: 3,654

Notes: Not quite sure how I feel about this, I feel really out of it and have felt like that for a couple of days. I hope you enjoy it though anon, usually I post the request then the piece but doing that makes my blog kind of cluttered and I know I think it’s cleaner when people answer requests like this but I don’t know if I’m going to stick with it.

Warnings: insecure!reader, mad Siri for like 2 seconds, oral (female receiving), praise kink, daddy kink, petnames

Masterlist

“Siri we need to talk.” Yes, be blunt, be straightforward, no beating around the bush. You weren’t going to prolong this any longer than necessary. It was time to set Sirius free, he didn’t need someone like you holding him down, holding him back. And it was time you told him that.

“Yes, poppet?” He quirked an eyebrow, setting his book next to him on the plush couch of the Gryffindor common room.

“I-I was hoping we could have this conversation in private, in your dorm maybe?” You shifted your weight from foot to foot, your anxiety causing bile to rise in your throat, threatening to make you sick all over Sirius’s shoes.

“Everything okay (Y/N)?” He asked you, his eyes swimming with concern as he ushered you up the stairs to his dorm, a hand resting protectively on the small of your back.

You didn’t answer him, instead going to sit on his bed once you reached the dorm room, toeing at the fringe of the worn carpet that had probably been there for decades, keeping your eyes on your feet instead of meeting the raven haired boy’s eyes. Leaving them instead to gaze at the top of your head.

“(Y/N/N)? Are you okay? You’re scaring me.”

Breathing in deeply you steeled yourself, straightforward, get this over quickly, “We need to break up Sirius.”

“What?” You winced, he sounded angry and you were sure that had you been able to meet his eyes they could’ve portrayed his anger as well.

“I said that we nee-”

“No, I heard you!” He growled, his hands balling into fists, “What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t want to break up with you, don’t I get a say in this?”

“Well I want to, Sirius, and last I checked it took two people to make a relationship work, we can’t make this work if I don’t want to!” You yelled, finally raising your head to meet his visage and your heart broke.

Sirius looked heartbroken, betrayed, horribly sad, and angry. And for a second you regretted telling him that you wanted to break up in the first place.

Because you didn’t want to, you had to, for Sirius.

“That’s bullshit (Y/N)! Who is it?”

“Sirius?” You asked incredulously, what did he mean ‘who’?

“Who have you been cheating on me with? Who the fuck?” In his anger he picked up a book abandoned on your nightside table, throwing it onto the floor.

“W-What?” You stuttered, trying to keep your tears at bay.

Sirius growled, literally baring his teeth like a feral dog, “You heard me, who the fuck are you cheating on me with? Diggory? Snape?”

“I’m not- I didn’t- I-” You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath in attempts to calm yourself before continuing, “I didn’t cheat on you Sirius, I would never. This is just what’s best for you.”

“How can not being with you be best for me? I don’t wanna not be with you! Why can’t you get that through your head?” He sounded more desperate now than he did angry now, almost as if he could tell that there was something off with you and your motivations behind your hurtful words.

“You are so much better than me Sirius! You’re wonderful, and you’re smart, you excel in our subjects without even trying, you’re charismatic and witty and just plain funny! Not to mention that you’re drop dead fucking gorgeous, and I’m- I’m not. You’re everything Siri, you’re my moon and my sun and my stars, you’re the whole fucking galaxy and you deserve at least that much. And god damn it, Sirius! I’m nothing! You deserve someone half as wonderful as you are, I’m barely a fraction of a percent.” Your voice broke more at the end than you would’ve liked.

You watched as Sirius’ face fell, his bottom lip wobbling as tears flooded his eyes, which once swam with anger were now drowned in guilt and sorrow. “Puppy,” He sniffled, pulling you up into my arms as he buried his face into your neck, “Puppy, I never meant to make you feel like that. You’re everything, my love, you’re wonderful and perfect for me. I love you so much, I’m so sorry I wasn’t good enough at showing you that.” His grip tightened on you with each word until you could feel him constricting your blood flow.

“S’not your fault Siri, you’re just so much better than me. I feel so bad holding you back.”

He pulled away from you, finally allowing you to properly inhale, cupping your face in his strong hands, tilting your head up so he could look directly into your eyes.

“You, my love, do not hold me back, you propel me forward every day and make me strive to be a better man for you. Please don’t leave me, baby, not because of this, not because you think I deserve better. I don’t even deserve you, especially if I haven’t made you feel as great as you are.”

You were an idiot. This man loved you, maybe almost as much as you loved him. You couldn’t just leave him, but you also couldn’t stay and continue to hold him back. What the fuck were you supposed to do?

“Siri,” A sob tumbled from your lips as you threw yourself at his toned chest, letting your tear stained cheeks rest against the soft material of his shirt, “Siri I- I’m so sorry I love you so much I just- I just…”

“I know love, I know,” Sirius soothed you, petting your hair with one hand, his other arm wrapped around your waist pulling you flush against him. “But you are wonderful, you are the light of my life. Let me show you how stunning you are, how beautiful and gorgeous I think your body is. Let me show you how much I love you.”

“Okay,” You responded, knowing that Sirius would require verbal consent before so much as touching you.

He walked you back until your knees hit against the edge of the bed, easing you down onto the mattress, then pushing your back down so that you were lying on your back, staring up at him through your water logged lashes.

“Look at you baby girl,” He cooed, standing in between your legs, looking down at your form, long curtains of ink black hair falling into his face.

Feeling heat rush to your face you moved your hands to cover it from the intense gaze of your boyfriend.

“Hey there pup,” HIs large hands reached for your wrists, gently pulling them away from your face, pinning them to the bed on either side of you, “There you are pretty girl, don’t hide from me please, wanna see my pretty girl.”

“Sorry,” You murmured.

“Don’t have to apologize to me darling, just want to see you.” He began unbuttoning his black button down, his nimble fingers worked quickly, pulling the buttons out of their holes. As he shrugged his shirt off of his body, revealing the entirety of his upper body to you, you felt your mouth go dry, how were you supposed to compare to that?

In your panicked haze, you didn’t notice Sirius’ fingers dipping under the hem of your shirt until you felt the warm pads of his fingertips dancing along the supple flesh of your stomach. A small gasp escaped your parted lips accompanied by a small wince.

“You’re so soft baby, so soft in my hands,” Sirius praised, allowing his rough palms to slide to your waist where they squeezed gently, “Can I take this off of you?”

After a moment’s hesitation, you nodded your consent, raising your arms above your head so that Sirius could slip the garment off of you, letting it drop to the floor next to his feet. You resisted the urge to fold your arms over your now bare torso as Sirius took his time ogling you, he swallowed repeatedly, sure he’d seen you naked before but your body would never cease to take his breath away.

“Baby,” He crooned, his eyes flying up to meet yours, “Your tits look so pretty in this bra, pretty color on you too, did you buy it for yourself?” Slowly, giving you time to stop him, one of his hands wandered to your clothed breast, giving it a nice squeeze through the lacy pink fabric.

“Uh huh, bought it over the summer with Lily and Marlene,” You answered, watching his face as he observed your heaving chest, feeling suddenly very courageous you spoke again, “You um, you can take it off if you’d like.”

This brought Sirius’ attention from your chest up to your visage, “You sure m’love, don’t have to take it off yet if you don’t want to.”

“It’s fine,” You gulped, eyes wide, mouth dry, “I want to.”

“Arch your back then for me pup,” Sirius’ deep baritone commanded to which you promptly obeyed, allowing Sirius’ hands to slip between your back and the mattress as he expertly undid the clasp in what must’ve been record time before slipping the delicate straps off of your shoulders.

Not giving you time to be embarrassed at your progressing state of undress Sirius surged forward, slotting your lips with his, drinking from you like you were a canteen of water and he had just hiked through the Sahara. He braced himself on his forearms which rested on either side of your head, letting his tongue trace trace the seal of your lips once, twice, three times, he then plunged deep into the velvet of your warm mouth. He was gentle as he mingled his tongue with yours, brushing against yours with his.

You let out a small moan into the kiss which had Sirius’ eyes rolling back in his head, “I wanna show you how much I love you (Y/N),” Sirius murmured into your neck as he pulled away from your lips, instead leaving small kisses down the column of your throat, “We can stop if you want to, but if not I need to show you how special you are. Can I show you?”

You managed a small “Yes Daddy,” as you felt him grin into skin.

He looked up at you, eyes twinkling, “Such a good girl for me pup.”

Much to your vexation Sirius pushed himself off of you but you were settled slightly when you saw him start on the button of his pants before doing the zipper and pulling them down his legs leaving him only in his boxers.

He resumed his position on top of you, gently taking your hand from where it lay on the bed to place it over the soft material of his worn boxers, “You feel that Puppy? You feel how hard my cock is?”

“Yes Daddy.”

“You did that to me!” He beamed down at you, his hair only slightly obstructing his view of you, “That’s how much I love you, how fucking hot you are, got me so hard so quickly, no time at all baby girl and Daddy’s already desperate for you.”

You were unable to prevent the rush of heat to your face at his comment, hoping he wouldn’t be able to tell just how flustered he could make you.

With your agreement Sirius finally pulled down your leggings and panties in one fluid motion, gently pulling them off of your feet before he rid himself of his boxers.

“Fuck, love,” He swore before kneeling before you and pressing a kiss to the inside of your ankle, “So sexy all splayed out for me on your bed, these legs,” His hands ran up and down your calves before venturing up past your knees to your thighs where they gripped the flesh, not hard enough to bruise but just enough to convey his emotion through his loving touch.

At his repeated praise you felt your wetness beginning to gather in your pussy, a small knot beginning in the pit of your stomach as he traced his lips up your calves, just barely grazing your flesh tickling your skin.

Once he got to your thighs his small kisses became open mouthed, and wet, leaving trails of saliva in his wake as he started leaving dark bruises on your legs. “I love your legs darling, the way they look in your uniform skirt, your leggings, jeans. Love them so much.” He left a soft kiss on the top of your thigh, taking note of the shiver that ran through your body.

Pushing your thighs apart he inched you closer to the edge of the bed, throwing your legs over his broad shoulders allowing him to face your pussy head on. “Gonna make you feel so good baby, you deserve to feel good.”

He moved his arms to pin your hips to the bed, giving him more control in what he was about to do. He parted your folds with his nose, allowing him to inhale your scent.

“You smell heavenly Puppy, one of my favorite things about you, your pussy smells like heaven, and fuck does it taste good.”

As if to prove his point he leaned forward, licking a broad stripe from your hole up to your clit, letting out a moan at your taste. The vibrations from his moan sent shockwaves through your clit, feeding the knot growing in your stomach you clenched your thighs around his head.

He took it as a sign of encouragement and began sucking on your clit, pulling the sensitive nub between his lips he released hums reveling in the way they made your thighs clench around his head.

You clasped one hand over your mouth in attempts to muffle your moans from spilling out into the dorm room. And though it did do a fine enough job at it, not good enough for Sirius not to hear an especially loud whine when he nipped lightly at your clit.

“Puppy?” He raised his head from between your legs, cocking his head to the side like the puppy that had become synonymous with your name, “Wanna hear you please, want to hear the pretty little noises you make when I eat your cunt.”

As he spoke he inserted a single finger into your quivering hole, wanting to stretch you out for his cock which was aching and desperate to be buried deep inside of you. With his other hand, he reached for the wrist of the hand covering your mouth, pulling it away from your face to lay on the mattress where he interlaced your fingers with his, squeezing your hand comfortingly.

Hoping you would follow his instruction and let him hear you he ducked down to return his mouth to your clit, sucking on the nub again without stopping his finger which was still making its way in and out of your hole. Not satisfied that he was making you feel good enough he inserted a second finger into your cunt, stretching you out even more.

Sirius smiled into your pussy when he heard you moan, “Fuck Siri!”

“Come on Puppy,” He pressed a kiss to your hip bone, “That’s not my name, you know it, tell me what my name is good girl.”

“Daddy,” You gasped, thrusting your hips further onto his fingers which still continued their agonizingly slow pace, “Daddy, feels so good.”

“I know baby, I know,” Sirius pressed a kiss to the inside of your thigh, letting his cheek rest against the soft flesh as he looked up at your writhing, perspiring form, “Gonna stretch you out on one more finger then you should be ready for my cock Pup, one more then I get to be inside of this beautiful cunt.” His gaze drifted to your pussy, which was beautifully swollen for him.

“Please Daddy,” The whimper left your lips with you barely noticing, “Please want your cock.”

“Want to give it to you my love, just gotta get you ready.”

Suddenly feeling the need to be inside of you now, no doubt caused by your begging, he added another finger inside of your cunt, trying not to pay too much mind to the way you clenched around him, afraid that if he did he wouldn’t be able to think straight.

How could someone’s fingers feel so good? The knot in your stomach continued to get tighter and tighter but you still craved more, you needed him inside of you.

Simultaneously you breathed both a sigh of relief and released a bereft whimper as he pulled his fingers from your cunt, making a show of bringing them to his mouth where he licked them clean, closing his eyes in pleasure as your taste bled across his tongue.

“You taste so good Puppy, like candy,” Seeing that you obviously didn’t believe him he leaned down so his body was pressed to your and gently eased your mouth open before collecting spit in his mouth and spitting it into your’s. “See? See how good you taste? My favorite taste in the whole wide world. Swallow for me Puppy,” He grinned as you obeyed, “Good girl,” He praised with a kiss to your forehead.

“Now can you scooch up on the bed for me?” Once you were carefully rested further up on the bed, your head lying on a pillow, Sirius climbed on top of you, lining the weeping head of his prick up with your opening.

You couldn’t stop the moan that left your lips as he fully sheathed himself inside of your heart, the head of his cock prodding at your g spot thanks to the slight curve of the member.

Sirius smiled down at your face which was contorted in pleasure as he guided one of your hands to the base of your stomach, “You feel that? That’s me, that’s how good you take my cock love, I can feel it in your tummy.”

“I can feel it Daddy,” You answered feebly, Sirius’ grey eyes shimmered with adoration and pride as he looked down at your stomach before coming back to meet yours.

“You have the prettiest eyes darling,” He cooed, leaning down to kiss the outer corners of your eyes. He began thrusting in and out of you, his strokes, slow and deep as he took his time pulling out and then pushing back in.

“So wet for me, slid right in because you were so ready for me baby, and now you’re squeezing me so good.” The praises fell from his lips one after another, wanting to broadcast to you his every thought about how perfect and wonderful you were, hoping that maybe something would be able to get through to you.

The feeling of Sirius inside of you was absolutely heavenly, it was a full feeling unlike any other. His width was just enough to stretch you but not enough to cause too much pain, you wrapped your hands around his neck, burying your face in his chest as he continued moving inside of you.

“I love you so much, I love you (Y/N), you are my everything darling,” He slowed down his strokes, taking his time with each, “I’m so sorry I haven’t shown you that, but I love you more than I could ever properly tell you. Love you so much that you’re going to make me cum in an embarrassingly short amount of time.”

The both of you giggled at that, knowing that Sirius was usually able to go for multiple rounds, and the slight clenching around his prick as a result of your laughter did nothing to help matters.

“Could you go a little faster Daddy, please?” You asked timidly, needing more stimulation as the knot in your stomach continued to tighten both at the feeling of Sirius nestled deep inside of you and the flattery he kept serving you.

“Such good manners Puppy,” He took the note quickly, speeding up his thrusts just enough, “Such a pretty girl taking my cock, your pretty hair all splayed out around you, like a halo. Makes you look like the angel you are.”

For some reason his comment had tears ebbing at your eyes, you barely noticed as a few escaped and rolled down your cheeks.

“Puppy, does it hurt? Why are you crying?” Worry was etched across his features as he gazed down at you, ceasing his thrusts.

“I don’t deserve you,” You blubbered, willing the tears to stop, “You’re just too good for me.”

Sirius leaned down, resuming the movement of his hips, kissing the tears off of your skin, “No I’m not, you deserve me Puppy, you deserve me. And I’ll keep telling you until you believe me.”

You used your arms to pull his chest against yours as he sped up his thrusts, trying to convince you that you deserved this, “I-I’m going to cum Daddy, gonna cum. Can I cum Daddy?”

“Of course Puppy, cum for me, be a good girl and make a mess all over my cock. Be my little messy bunny, gonna cum with you.”

He rocked his hips against yours three more times before he exploded inside of you, rope after rope of cum coating the inside of your walls as you released around him. Making a mess just as he’d told you to, feeling the knot in your stomach unravel, perhaps not as intensely as usual but so much better.

Your whimpers of “Daddy” quieted as your pleasure overwhelmed you, drowning you in your orgasm as you continued to clench around Sirius’ cock, hips still bucking to meet his.

In his release Sirius repeated “I love you”, over and over again, chanting it like it was a prayer, like a promise.

“I love you,” He whispered, pressing a kiss to your cupid's bow as you unclenched your eyes, “And I’m going to spend the rest of my love showing you just how much.”

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