#it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t.

[grmpgm]

ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually

#i have an incredibly time-consuming project i NEED to finish and i genuinely don’t know if i can #i’ve started which is good but i’m horrifically behind where i need to be and i’m just so overwhelmed #i technically have enough time to finish it i think? but it’s my final project so i literally cannot miss this deadline #my professor is really cool + likes me but it’s already been so long w/out me bringing it up #and wtf am i supposed to say? yeah. i WANTED to work on it. i just chose not to????? like wtf #it’s just so humiliating and i’m so behind i don’t know wtf i’m gonna do #it’s worse bc it’s an animation and it’s gg related and i really really wanted this to be good and i wanted things to be different this time #kind of funny bc i’m actually mid getting an adhd diagnosis rn but it’s just so fucking awful because i do this constantly #it fucking sucks so much i feel so helpless and i don’t know wtf is wrong with me. i’m so tired of letting everyone down constantly #it’s so bad rn i literally cannot do anything. it’s humiliating like WHY can’t i just be a functional normal person #it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t. #so i won’t be i guess. #and i KNOW it’s tied into a bunch of different stuff too but like gd i DO NOT care i just want to be functional #worst case scenario i have an A in the class so if i completely blow it i’ll at least pass? hopefully? #i might be able to talk my prof into an extended deadline but it’s so embarrassing bc i didn’t need one in the first place. #i have literally no excuses #it just makes me so upset because i just keep doing this over and over and i don’t know how to stop it or how to get better #and LOL sorry for posting this here i just feel weird talking to anyone personally about this (+ currently avoiding responding to messages!) #it’s just like. man if i can’t get a fucking grip i will literally waste my entire life. Oh Well! LOL

[iamanartichoke]

I started typing this in the tags of this post, and it got too long, and then I was going to just reblog the post with this as an addition but that got too long too, and I've been meaning to make a post addressing free will vs. predestination since the premiere anyway, so - here we go. Spoilers, obviously.

Cut for length and spoilers. Please blacklist #loki tv series spoilers, #loki series spoilers, and #loki spoilers.

This is kinda rough and I'm not sure it actually makes any sense but I'm posting it anyway.

I realize that the post is a joke, obviously (and it is hilarious) but I started thinking about the implications and couldn't stop because it's honestly a goldmine of existential reflection and an inevitable crisis or three.

Let's look at a scenario.

Say you're late to work for reasons totally beyond your control: your neighbor stopped you to ask a question on your way out the door; you swung through the drive-thru for a quick coffee but the person in front of you is ordering a full continental breakfast ffs (this happened to me this morning); there was an explosion and then the Winter Soldier randomly dropped from the sky and landed on the hood of your car. Whatever. Shit happens.

So you're late, but on this particular day, your lateness somehow has consequences that lead to and create a nexus event and the next thing you know, you're being arrested, tried, convicted of time crimes and ultimately (a version of you is) erased from existence.

And this is if it's not even your fault you're late.

Now say that you're late and it is your fault. You took a new route on a whim and drove a little more slowly because you passed a particularly pretty meadow; you hit the brakes at a yellow light instead of speeding through bc you wanted the quick chance to check your email; you sat in your car for a few extra minutes in the parking lot, because maybe your job sucks and you really needed those extra minutes today to psyche yourself up into getting out of the car and going inside and clocking in.

These little choices are you exercising your free will. Because to me, free will is all or nothing - it doesn't just apply to the big decisions.

On the other hand, predestination means that regardless of the choices you make or if it's a big decision or not, everything you do is ultimately going to lead you to a set point or position or place (your destiny).

And I can kind of look at it like a GPS - that is, there are a number of "insignificant" choices you could make and they will still lead you to where you're predestined to go. Like how a GPS will reconfigure your route if you miss your exit on the highway. It doesn't matter if you took Route A or Route B, you're still going to end up at your destination.

But say sometimes the route does matter. Say that there are certain scenarios in which there's only one road (for example, 14 million losses vs 1 win) and you can only get on it by following a specific series of events and what determines the ultimate outcome is whether or not you're late to work that day.

If you decide to wait those extra five minutes in the parking lot, that means that you weren't in your cubicle at 9:03 when Stanley from Accounting wandered by with his giant stack of papers, and when Mary Sue said hello to him, he got distracted and tried to wave and ended up dropping those papers. Had you been at your cubicle, you'd have swooped down to help him but since you weren't there, Stanley is crouched on the floor alone and doesn't notice Joe coming at him with a paper trolley so when he stands up, he and Joe collide and Stanley loses his balance and goes face-first toward the trolley and breaks his nose when he hits the metal handle on his way down.

Now Stanley has to go to the hospital to get his nose set because you wanted to sit in your car and spend five extra minutes hating your life that morning.

If the sacred timeline says that Stanley is supposed to be in that ER at that specific time on that specific day, and no other set of circumstances would get him there, because this will ultimately take Stanley down the road to whatever greater journey he's supposed to go on, then it has to happen. But say you exercise your free will and decide not to wait those five minutes, because the free will applies to every choice you make, even the tiny, insignificant ones. You chose to put on your big person pants and took a deep breath and just head inside - and because you chose to do that and because you were at your cubicle to help Stanley with his papers, Stanley never ends up in the ER and the timeline that's supposed to happen is suddenly at risk and the TVA has to get involved (I assume).

So having free will introduces way, way too many variables into a fixed timeline to ever keep track, because you're taking these tiny, seemingly insignificant choices that people are making every minute of every day, and you're multiplying them by trillions of sentient beings in the universe, and you're saying the fate of the timeline and reality itself depends on all of these beings either always making the choice they're supposed to make or constantly sending the TVA out whenever they don't.

It's fair to conclude, then, that both free will and a fixed, single timeline can't exist at the same time. Either you adhere to the fixed timeline and everyone does exactly what they're supposed to do every second of every minute of existence, or you have free will and autonomy over all of your decisions, no matter how big or small, and those decisions can result in a number of outcomes, ultimately leading you to one of several possible destinations.

Case in point: Tony didn't have to snap his fingers in Endgame. He chose to. Had he not, Thanos would have won. It doesn't matter if there was one way to victory or 14 million ways to failure; the timeline could ultimately only go one of two ways and the choice Tony willingly made determined that Thanos lost. It wasn't predetermined because if Tony had not chosen to snap his fingers, the timeline would have gone the other way.

My personal belief - and this isn't necessarily for the MCU, but in general - is that we do possess free will and the future is ever shifting and changing because nothing is written in stone. It holds up against most, if not all, of the world's belief systems. For example, if you believe that people have guardian angels, the rule is generally that your guardian angels can help you but you have to ask them; they can't decide to intervene without your permission because to do so would infringe upon your free will.

Similarly, you can go on etsy and pay $5 for a funsies psychic reading or pay a lot more money for an in-depth, specific tarot reading and both will tell you that the outcomes may change depending on the paths you take, and that their ultimate advice is for you to keep your focus on your goals and your own self so that you can be subconsciously manifesting the best possible future for yourself. (Not that I know this from experience. It was one time. It was a few times. My point stands, and also stop judging me.)

To get back to the MCU, though - if you determine that both a single, fixed timeline and free will can't simultaneously exist, and your ultimate purpose is upholding said timeline and not letting anyone fuck it up, lest it break off into lots of different branches, then it poses a pretty serious moral and/or ethical question of - who decides what choices we make and what paths we're destined for? The time lizards? Who gave them that authority? Did anyone, or did they just manifest themselves into existence one day, create the universe, and then decide all of the rules (and, if so, where does that leave the norns and the gods and other super powerful beings who are generally thought to be in charge of things)?

If free will doesn't exist and everyone is acting based on what has been predetermined for them by some higher being (or, in this case, time lizards), it takes away our autonomy, and if everything we do and every single tiny step we take is decided for us, what makes us any different than cogs in a machine just following orders? What separates us from robots?

Speaking of robots, it's interesting to me that the TVA's screening process (if you can call it that) has a failsafe against robots specifically. Any robot that might come through is destroyed immediately and in this case, “not a robot” is defined, more or less, as a sentient being that possesses a soul. What does the TVA have against robots if their ultimate goal is ensuring that the robotic machinations of the time lizards are consistently carried out to protect the sacred timeline?

A soul makes you human; the energy of the soul is what you, at the core, are. It can be assumed that having a soul also means that you have some sort of moral and ethical code by which you live your life but, if you don't also have free will, then what is the point of possessing a soul and a moral and ethical code?

Loki is a villain and he's told by Mobius, the TVA, Odin, and pretty much everyone who ever meets him that the only thing he's good for - the only reason he exists - is to cause pain and suffering and death. This has been predetermined for him; this is not his fault and he did not choose it. And every single choice he makes has either already been destined as the choice he was supposed to make, or will be pruned so it won't grow into the wrong timeline. Ultimately Loki can change neither his final destination, nor the purpose and meaning of his existence.

Which leads me to the theory that the several Loki variants that the TVA keeps coming across are the result of Loki consistently resisting against his predetermined path; he's trying to find the timeline where he is able to latch onto and keep his own free will in defiance of the timekeepers but, so far, he hasn't been successful. This could segue into why the current Variant is now going scorched earth and just obliterating the main timeline completely - because if there is no sacred timeline, there's nothing dictating who or what Loki can be, and free will is regained. If there's a multiverse that branches and branches beyond anyone's control, then there must be a branch in there, somewhere, where Loki can exist on his own terms and decide how his own story goes.

This also might be a theory for why Loki is already setting his sights on taking over the TVA (assuming that's not just something he told the variant for reasons). But my original point in delving into all this is to ask: if Loki is predestined to always be a villain whose story plays out exactly the same way because that's what's supposed to happen, then how can anyone ever hold his misdeeds against him? He's literally just existing as the timekeepers decided he would exist and everyone is blaming him for it.

And this leads me to ask, as well, if one's soul is generally good, and one possesses more good traits than bad, what is the logic in making them exist only for pain and destruction? If it's for a greater good, then it stands to reason Loki is not the only one predestined for misery, and what greater good could come from all that suffering?

Conclusion: the existence of the TVA as an organization means that there is one fixed, sacred timeline but the existence of said timeline is immoral and unethical because it means no one actually has any free will at all in the MCU. The very notion of heroes and villains is pointless because it has nothing to do with your own qualities or morality, it's literally the luck of the draw. In order to have free will, the sacred timeline has to be destroyed, and so my prediction is that the Big Bad of the Loki series is not the TVA and not the time keepers but the actual timeline itself, and the entire fate of the MCU rests on whether or not Loki can ultimately succeed.

Also, don't be late for work.

#well this was a journey #smfh #i hope it at least makes *some* sense #loki series meta #loki tv series spoilers #loki series spoilers #loki spoilers #long post #i should have revised this before posting lmao #i went back and edited some of it but meh #it's pretty nonsensical i think but also i confuse myself really easily so

[tflatte]

read max brooks’ devolution the other day, which was A Thing to do right before bed. i liked it though!

it’s a horror novel in similar style to world war z, where some of it is interviews with various peoples, and most of it is the journal of one of the people living in a microcommunity designed and built by tech guys(six word horror story) to be eco-friendly and self-sustaining, except it’s on the slopes of mt rainier and when it erupts, even though they’re out of immediate danger, they’re cut off from things like drone grocery supplies and the internet they need to call for help. which might have worked out okay, except the eruption drove a troop of bigfoots from their usual home. the subtitle of the book is “a firsthand account of the rainier sasquatch massacre” so you can guess how that goes for everyone

spoilers and thoughts under the cut

i was kind of leery about it after i read the free sample off kindle, so it’s been a solid few weeks between reading that and reading the rest of the book, but eventually i decided i can finish it fast enough for a refund if it sucks. the sample was basically the intro to all the characters and, since i was interpreting it as a slasher intro, i will admit i was primed to hate everyone. you have the conflict-avoidant protagonist kate and her useless husband dan, tony the tech guy who designed the place and his “guru” wife yvette, a vegan foodie couple bobbi and vincent, a philosopher, reinhardt, a lesbian psychologist couple, carmen and effie, and their adopted daughter palomino who escaped the rohingya genocide, and mostar, an older woman who’s a sculptor working in a 3D printer. the only people i didn’t hate in the first chapter were palomino, who i was sad about presumably being in the massacre, and mostar, who people were jerks to

tony and yvette were…exactly what that description makes you think they were like. kate went all crushy over tech guy right away and wrote about guru in that annoying “ohhh she’s so BEAUTIFUL and NICE i haaaate her” way. foodie couple…eh. boring and annoying. i don’t even remember their intro. they turn out to be Those kinds of vegans that think animals are all sweet innocent harmless creatures. philosopher was pretentious. there was some hinting that carmen was emotionally abusive, but that never went anywhere? i don’t know if we’re expected to assume that the life-or-death situation improves their relationship like it does for kate and dan. also they gave their daughter a “placeholder” name so she could change it in the future if she wanted. which is fine as a concept but it felt weird that there’s never any mention that she probably had a name before? she’s mostly nonverbal throughout the book so it’s possible that she was never able to tell anyone her original name though. also the placeholder is “palomino” because of how her only possession when she was adopted was a book about horses.

anyway, i was disappointed that the free sample didn’t even mention any ~weird noises in the woods~ but once the volcano erupted things started moving faster. mostar immediately starts prepping for the long haul of being cut off and everyone is like “oh she’s ~crazy~ of course we’ll be reconnected and back to normal super soon” but she is the only person with a brain. tony is like “oh it’s fine we have water and power and heat and yes the volcano erupted but we’re fine and yes we can’t contact the outside world and the satellite radio is saying things are bad but they’re totally not don’t even worry about it” and yvette is alternately spouting bullshit crystal-healing slogans about ~connection~ and ~healing~ and playing social mind games to maintain control. like it feels as if they could’ve turned things into a cult if it wasn’t for getting cut off from supplies. they absolutely feel like people who could have manipulated their ~micro-eco-community~ into total obedience given enough time. they’re already isolated enough to make it work even before the eruption

everyone else in this story is SO FUCKING STUPID about wildlife. like carmen and effie are encouraging pal to hand-feed a random deer apples when they are cut off from getting any food from outside. a literal fucking mountain lion nearly eats pal and mostar chases it off with a homemade spear and yvette starts screaming at her about “it was just scared! how could you hurt it! you provoked it!” despite knowing it was bigfoots breaking into the compost bins, mostar tells everyone that it was a bear so they’ll actually listen but bobbi gets So Offended when she asks if anyone has bear spray and they decide to spread the compost in the fucking woods for the “bears” to eat! no brains! not one! they actually say that bears aren’t aggressive! they are when they’re fucking hungry because a fucking volcano exploded and drove all the food away! then kate and dan get bigfoot footage and prove to everyone that that’s what’s around and they’re like “no this is good most apes are herbivores! maybe they’re friendly! no we’ve never heard any of the seven million cautionary tales about not treating any wildlife, particularly apes, like harmless pets!”

if you hadn’t guessed, the most prevalent theme in this book is “nature is not nice” with a side order of “being too dependent on tech will fuck you over when that tech fails.”

mostar is the best character in the book tbh. she lived in a warzone that she never names but references a lot of things she learned there. including the sniper trick the bigfoots try. as mentioned, she is the only one to have a brain when the plot starts and drags everyone else kicking and screaming into growing one too. except tony and yvette. like a third of the way into the book they go and hole up in their house and proceed to have complete mental breakdowns, then get eaten. as you do. but they’re still terrible so it’s still satisfying. although it’s hinted that part of tony’s might be that he saw or even got chased by a bigfoot. but since he was trying to abandon everyone and save his own ass, it’s not like you work up much sympathy for him

the bigfoots are led by a scarred matriarch ruling what seems to be at least mostly her own family group, which was a touch i liked and made her being dubbed the “alpha” much more tolerable. also the fact that it’s not like kate is the kind of person who’d know more than the most mainstream nature stuff. also the bigfoots appear to be either human-level intelligent or close to it. on top of hurting one human to try to lure the others into a rescue, there’s a moment where one seems to be holding pal hostage(it doesn’t work. effie literally rips the bigfoot’s throat out with her teeth), and it’s speculated that alpha destroying kate’s garden and leaving a pile of dung in the middle might be spite. a very human motivation. kate seems pretty convinced that they’re capable of reason. so that made it a little weird towards the end when “zoo fees” are mentioned in the context of bigfoots. like i appreciated that it wasn’t going to be the standard government coverup angle. the book speculated that the government is planning to reveal the proof when the disaster relief is handled and attract a bunch of tourism based on bigfoots. admittedly primates aren’t especially one of my areas of interest but the way the bigfoots act strikes me as at least smart enough to cause a lot of debate on whether it’s ethical to keep them in captivity, even if they aren’t fully as intelligent as humans.

speaking of the lure, i think that was the most effectively scary part. besides the conceptual horror of them being smart enough to do that(and, you know, the idea of suffering through it), there’s a short but really effective passage that leads you to the slow realization of what alpha is waving at the humans and, therefore, exactly what happened to vincent. terrifying

i also really enjoyed the narrative foils of kate and alpha. maybe that’s not the right word for it but whatever that mirroring they have going on is. how alpha seems to recognize kate as the protagonist/the biggest threat/the enemy alpha. alpha destroying the garden in spite rather than taking the opportunity to kill kate after the burn. kate leading the desecration of alpha’s mate’s body to begin the real fight, alpha killing dan, kate killing alpha. it’s good.

even though she dies for it effie literally ripping juno’s throat out with her teeth to save pal is so fucking cool

i was very glad pal survived, at least potentially. i’m naturally biased in favor of the humans, but i liked the part of the ending where kate’s brother theorizes that maybe nobody’s found her and pal because they decided to hunt down the surviving bigfoots and may even still be out there, tracking the survivors to find other troops and living off bigfoot meat. fuck ‘em up.

[ghostiewriter]

prologue | tale of a slightly unstable teen hero

Summary: JJ’s life is thrown upside down after a school trip. Now he just decide what to do about his newly found powers and discover just how much his life has changed.

Warnings: contains strong language, a teeny sliver of sexual references, just the three boys being dumbasses? a small smidge of angst (it barely counts) and some fighting, kinda amateur but he’ll learn eventually

Word Count: 8.2K (I’m so sorry)

A/N: ahhh so here’s the prologue! Hope you guys enjoy, it’s a bit of a mess and it wasn’t meant to be this long but oh well! This is just to kinda set up the world, I promise the chapters won’t be this messy! There will be way more Kiara in the next chapter as well, don’t worry! Like I said, this is just a filler chapter! Also this is unedited and I am kinda unwell so lets hope this makes sense :) feel free to leave any feedback!! 

masterlist // taglist // ao3

JJ prided himself in always loving an adventure. A random trip at 3am when one of his buds felt down? Hell yeah! An exploration through the streets of New York when he decided to ditch his Spanish final? Let’s go, dude! A spontaneous road trip with his boys during summer? JJ was down! But this? This just felt like some sick joke.

Admittedly, JJ wasn’t listening in class when the trip was announced. And as Pope liked to remind him every couple of minutes, this whole situation could have been avoided if he had listened in class. But can you blame the guy? A whole day off school to visit some big corporation uptown where he was getting a free lunch—JJ would be stupid to reject that. Yet, JJ should’ve known there would’ve been some catch, some flaw in this trip. And that flaw was that he had to spend the day walking around Cameron Industries, the biggest nerd fest on the East coast.

JJ was bored out of his mind.

Pope was ecstatic beyond belief.

John B was ready to punch JJ in the face if opened his mouth to complain one more time.

“Why call it a trip when all we do is listen to these dudes in lab coats droning on about some weird gene thing? Like c’mon! A trip is meant for relaxing. Where the fuck am I gonna relax around here, huh? The fucking gift shop—“

“Shut up,” John B hissed at the blonde, smacking JJ’s arm for good measure, to which the blond dramatically whined at. “Just please…shut up. You’ve got one more hour until lunch, alright? Don’t ruin this for him.”

JJ huffed as he glanced over at Pope, who was eagerly questioning every scientist they came across. As much as it pained him to agree with John B, he did have a point. There weren’t enough fingers in the world to count the amount of times JJ had dragged Pope into some anxiety-provoking, impulsive situation. The least he could do is suck it up a little and mope silently as they walk through countless fancy labs that probably each cost more than his apartment complex altogether.

“I don’t know why you’re acting so chuff,” JJ huffed, his fingers twisting the rings that adorned his hands—a force of habit when he was uncomfortable and bored. “You usually back me up on this kinda stuff—“ But JJ didn’t need to finish his question. Oh no, because the answer was right there.

JJ smirked as he turned to John B, one eyebrow raised in question. However, his friend seemed much more content staring at Sarah Cameron from where she stood near the front of the group, smiling towards the tour guide like they were close friends. Which they probably were considering they were standing in the building her father owned.

Ward Cameron. Renowned scientist, billionaire and founder of Cameron Industries. A true inspiration. What started as a hopeless experiment in his high school chemistry lab ended up forging Ward Cameron’s path to success in the biggest multibillion-dollar multinational corporation that held the future for chemical engineering. JJ just thought he was some lucky rich kid that had daddy’s money to support his dream.

And it was for that reason that JJ rolled his eyes, nudging his friend out of his daze. “You do know you don’t stand a chance, right?” JJ commented.

Harsh but true. JJ and the rest of the kids that attended this trip went to Midtown High School. True to its name, it was smack bang in the middle of two very different livelihoods. Uptown Queens: home to the kids who live of old money, designer clothes and trust funds. And Downtown Queens: home to working-middle class who would spend the rest of their lives making a sliver of the uptown folks’ wages.

Take a wild guess which area JJ is from.

However, some old dude in the 60s decided to try and bridge the gap between the classes and thus, the school was born. All it did was let each know how much they resented the other. Yet, John B had fallen into the alluded mind-set of that old geezer and set his eyes on Sarah Cameron, the most uptown chick you’ll get. And of course, JJ was there to remind him of that very fact and push him off that imaginary bridge. It was a fool’s hope to combine the uptown and downtown folk; it was a fool’s hope to try and make them get along. It won’t happen now nor ever.

John B flipped him off. JJ only grinned in response.

Nonetheless, that ended up being the most exciting part of the hour. JJ shuffled along at the back of the group, his eyes constantly wandering around the labs. Did he have any clue what any of it was? Hell no, but he was naturally curious and couldn’t help his hands from wandering. Sue him, he was a teenage boy with ADHD and a knack for getting into trouble—he was bound to do something stupid.

His interest in science perked up a bit when he noticed a small enclosure of what looked like completely normal spiders, yet as their tour guide spoke, they were anything but normal.

“Our team have been working on taking the genetic code of three separate species of arachnids and combining them to form a super-spider. One which can survive and reproduce and live as any other would. It is the first step in the future of genetic engineering and modification. With this technology, we could find cures to diseases that were deemed impossible to cure. We could form a stronger, better human race—“

“Isn’t that unethical?” A voice interrupted. Everyone’s head snapped towards the curly-haired girl that stood by Sarah Cameron’s side. JJ knew very little about her—considering this was honestly the first time he had seen her—and he wasn’t complaining…nor was he actually listening to what she was saying. “I mean, won’t this just introduce a future of designer babies and a superiority of the genetically modified over the natural?”

“I understand your concerns,” The tour guide—a young redhead who honestly didn’t look a day over twenty-two but then again, JJ guessed everyone around here was some sort of genius. “But I can assure you there are a number of protocols behind this research that would prevent such a thing from happening.”

“Can you really stop the rich from getting what they want?” Ironic considering she was a rich, uptown chick.

An awkward silence washed over the group before the teacher quickly cleared their throat and directed the tour guide to continue.

JJ—being the foolishly bored teenager he was—made his way over to the unknown girl, standing next to her as they looked at the spiders in the enclosure.

“Poor things.” She sighed sadly. JJ only raised an eyebrow but didn’t question it.

“You know,” He began, his voice smooth and suave—the usual JJ charm he used on girls. “I totally agree with you on all those…ethic…things…” He trailed off, risking a glance towards the girl who only narrowed her eyes at him.

“Really?” She questioned, nodding her head for him to continue.

“Yeah, I mean, save the animals, am I right?” He grinned, nervously scratching the nape of his neck. The girl seemed unamused.

“Uh huh, sure thing, buddy.” She stated before turning to catch up with the group. But JJ’s voice stopped her once again.

“How about I take you out some time? And then you can tell me all about all this ethic stuff.” He proposed, his usual charming smirk on his lips. He was a lady’s man, he knew he was gorgeous and JJ would be a fool if he didn’t use it to his advantage. One small date to charm her before JJ wiggled his way into her bed, then boom—they never have to speak to each other again. Plus, this girl may be one of Sarah Cameron’s wee minions, but JJ didn’t let class get in the way of his ‘love’ life. He just resents the lot of those uptown kids in every other aspect of his life. No harm in fraternizing with the enemy, right? What other people didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. It’s just a little bit of fun.

“Do you even know my name?” She asked him, her arms crossed over her chest. It took a lot of self-control for JJ not to follow the movement. He cleared his throat, leaning one hand against the enclosure.

“Uh…Samantha?”

“Nice try, asshole.” And with that, she turned around to join the group.

JJ stood there, a little dumbfounded by the encounter. He was taken aback not only by the fact she had just rejected him, but with the sass in which she did so. He would be lying if he didn’t say it was a little hot, but he expected it. Uptown kids always thought there were better, superior to the downtown kids.

But JJ didn’t wallow in his rejection for long when he felt a sharp, stinging pain on his hand. He glanced down, seeing a spider on the back of his hand and his instant reaction was to shake it off. “Little shit!” He hissed, looking down at the small bite mark on his skin.

“Hey, dude, you comin’?” He heard John B call out. He glanced around, unable to spot the spider. He shrugged, JJ has had worse than a small spider bite. He’ll survive.

“Yeah, I’m starving, let’s go!”

Little did JJ know that was his last day as a normal, hyperactive teen.

**********

“I’m telling you something is fucking wrong with me!”

Both boys looked at their blond friend with sceptic looks. It was Saturday morning and far too early to deal with JJ nonsense. Especially when they could barely understand what he was going on about. It was around 6am when John B and Pope received a very distressed call from JJ. Neither one was very sure for what reason, all they heard was ‘freaky’ and ‘fuck’ multiple times during the call. But he sounded like he was really going through something so they eventually went over—arriving at JJ’s place at 7:30am. JJ was too on edge to even try and call them out on it.

“Dude, breathe,” Pope muttered, watching JJ run holes in his carpet from how much he was pacing. “Calm down a little—“

“I can’t calm down, Pope!” JJ snapped, looking at his friends who seemed far too calm. “Like I don’t know if I am freaked out or pumped but just—“ He paused, seeing the look of confusion on his friends’ faces. He huffed and pulled his shirt off, looking at them expectedly. They didn’t react.

“JJ, did you really call us down here on SATURDAY MORNING because you have another birthmark that looks like George Clooney because I will literally murder you—“

“No, no!” JJ hissed before pointing down to his abs, and then his arms. Then he began flexing, yet he was met with blank expressions again.

“Dude, as much as I love staring at your abs, what the fuck are we meant to be looking at?” Pope asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“They are different!”

“They are?”

“They are!”

“Uh…how?”

JJ scoffed, as if it were obvious. “They are more defined!”

“…more defined?”

“Clearly!”

John B let out an unattractive snort, pushing his hair back as he leaned back against the wall, all his worry for his friend now gone. He was honestly concerned it was something important. “What’s next? Is your hair too perfect, J? Need a bag to cover how gorgeous you are?” Pope snickered along with him.

“I mean, I am having a good hair day…” JJ trailed off before shaking his head and turning to the two of them again. “But that isn’t all, okay? It gets freakier!”

Both boys looked at JJ with amusement from their spots on his bed.

JJ rolled his eyes before he stretched his hand out, his palm facing the ceiling with his two middle fingers pressed into his palm. Not even seconds later, a THWAP echoed through the now-silent bedroom.

Both teenagers looked down at the string of substance that just existed their friend’s wrist, completely shell-shocked. It was John B who spoke first, looking away from the white substance on JJ’s bed.

“Is that like…the same as…did you just—“ John B points down to his groin area, only for JJ to grimace.

“Dude, no! EW! I didn’t just jizz from my wrist!”

“It looks like you just did.”

Pope quickly kneeled down next to the bed, hesitantly reaching to touch the stuff, ignoring John B’s comments on how disgusting it was. “It feels like…silk,” He murmured in confusion before pulling his hand away, noticing how it stuck to his skin. “And it’s sticky.”

John B gagged in the back, but JJ ignored him. “It’s like glue, a really strong glue! And then after like twenty minutes, it disappears!” He told Pope as he reached for the scissors to help his sticky situation.

“How did you do that though?” Pope’s mind was reeling with the possibilities, the science behind the completely inhumane thing JJ had just done and he had witnessed with his very own eyes.

“I don’t fucking know!”

“Does it have anything to do with that weird-ass bump on your hand?” John B perked up, nodding towards JJ. All three boys’ gazes shifted to his left hand, where in fact there was a small red bump, no bigger than a grape at most.

“Nah, dude, that’s just from the spider bite yesterday.” JJ answered with a shrug. Pope chocked on the air, looking at JJ like he had three heads.

“I—you mean the fucking GENETICALLY MODIFIED SPIDERS FROM THE LAB?!” JJ winced, trying to shush Pope but there was no avail, this boy was going off on a rant. “Are you stupid? Why didn’t you tell anyone yesterday? JJ, those could’ve been poisonous or had long term effects or—“

“Made you some weird mutant with cool powers.” John B added. He quickly shut up when he received the ‘look’ from Pope.

“We have to tell someone at Cameron Industries.” Pope concluded. JJ was quick to pipe up, taking a few steps away from Pope on instinct.

“What, no way! They are gonna stick me under some fancy microscope or inject me with needles full of…stuff! I’m not going back into that geek galore!” JJ stated. Pope looked like he was ready to open his mouth, and start spouting out arguments as to why JJ should head over to the professional scientists over his weird, overnight mutation. But it was actually John B who came to a more mutual conclusion.

“Or we just do our own tests,” John B shrugged, both boys turning to look at him with fairly discombobulated expressions. “C’mon, Pope is basically a scientist and he is smart enough to figure out whatever the hell is going on with you!”

“I don’t have half the equipment they would have—“ Pope tried to argue.

“Look, we aren’t going to find out anything through a microscope. The best way is just go out there and test what he can do. How hard can it be?” John B grinned.

Pope wanted to argue that it was very hard. Though he had read countless papers on the genetically modified spiders, even he didn’t know enough to do a full conclusive examination on JJ and his new state. He didn’t have half the things he needed, but when he looked over at JJ and saw a much more relaxed—and hopeful—expression on his face from when he had suggested returning to the lab, Pope sighed and shook his head a little.

“Just so you both know, I am going to say, ‘I told you so’ when this goes downhill.”

**********

That is how JJ, Pope and John B found themselves standing on the roof of JJ’s apartment complex, the busy streets of New York oblivious to the scientific discovery that is happening above them. JJ couldn’t tear his eyes off the skyline, finding something about it much more relaxing that the potential of just what his new body could do. He was scared—no, scratch that—he was nervous, anxious if you will. JJ couldn’t lie that a part of him was excited. It felt surreal, like something out of one of those comics he used to nick from the uptown kids. Then again, JJ wasn’t very fond of the idea of being some new scientific discovery. It made him feel like he would end up like one of those poor frogs they had to dissect in biology—poor fuckers.

“Okay, so the spiders were made from three separate species to optimize their physical properties—being able to adapt to new environments, heightened senses to avoid predators, enhanced strength and speed, stronger material to create webs for larger prey—all that jazz. No research has been done on the psychological properties though.” Pope rambled, his hands moving wildly whilst both boys stared at him with clueless expressions.

“Which means?”

“JJ could have some really cool powers but could also be going totally insane,” Pope said with a sheepish shrug. “Like I’m talking full Tasmanian devil mode here—“

“Very reassuring, dude.” JJ stated bluntly. He took it all back, he wasn’t excited. He was terrified now. He glanced down at the small bite on his hand, which was slowly deflating as time passed. JJ wasn’t sure if he was relieved or worried that the second the bite disappeared, it could mean something really bad—like him turning into some massive humanoid arachnid that attacks the city. He shivered at the thought. “Right, let’s just get on with this.”

John B clapped a hand on his back, a small smile on his lips. “You’ll be fine, dude, alright? You’re in good hands.” He tried to reassure JJ. And JJ knew that everything Pope was saying was just to help him understand what was going on too, but he couldn’t help but think there was a small part of Pope that enjoyed using JJ as a lab rat. He was a scientist, could you really blame him?

“Yeah, I know.” He said with a curt nod.

“Let’s try the web again, see how far you can shoot it.” Pope piped up, moving to stand on the other side of JJ. “The average spider can shoot a web to about four feet, but these spiders have the DNA of the Darwin Bark Spiders which can shoot webs up to eighty-two feet. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you could reach the same, maybe more.” He then gestured for JJ to try it out, pointing towards the building opposite then, which was only around eight feet away, at most.

JJ took a deep breath before extending his hand out, the THWAP sounding clear despite the ongoing traffic down below. Yet, the web barely shot out a couple of inches before landing on the edge of the roof with a disappointing splat.

“Well then…” John B trailed off, all three boys staring at the failed web shot.

“You clearly weren’t trying, just concentrate!” Pope said with a clap of his hands. He only received a blank stare from JJ.

“I was trying, dumbass! It’s harder than it looks. It…feels weird, man. Like a sneeze…from my wrist!” He huffed, but Pope only nudged his shoulder to try again.

JJ sighed and turned to face the opposite building again. He raised his arm, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tried to imagine the web shooting out and reaching the opposing roof. He tried to imagine more web fluid being shot out his wrist, he tried to imagine like he actually knew what he was doing. Not even a second later, the THWAP sound was heard and suddenly there was a white rope of silk extending from JJ’s hand onto the next roof over.

“Holy shit!”

JJ grabbed the web, giving the web a light tug. He was expecting for the web to break, for his hand to be covered in web fluid. But instead the web remained, strong and sturdy as though it was bolted onto the roof.

“This is crazy, dude.”

He snapped his hand back, watching the web breakaway from his palm and flop, hanging from the brick wall like a pathetic piece of string. “That was cool as fuck,” He murmured as he glanced down at his wrists in shock. He gently ran his thumb over his wrist, a delightful shiver running down his back. It caused him to smile a little, thinking about just how far he could shoot these webs.

“Dude, you could swing around like Tarzan now.” John B snickered. JJ gave him a deadpan look but he couldn’t help himself from glancing down at his wrists again.

“You think?”

“Only one way to find out.” John B grinned.

Pope’s eyes widened slightly as he quickly began to shake his head. “You don’t know if the web is strong enough to hold his weight, he could hurt himself or—“

“You calling me fat?” JJ gasped with a pout, a hand placed over his heart. “You offend me, Pope. Thought you were better than this.”

“If calling you fat will stop you from swinging off a building like an idiot then yes, I am calling you fat.” He hissed.

JJ grinned, his eyes quickly searching around before he noticed a large satellite pole sticking out from one of the nearby buildings. It was a bit further away, but JJ let the pride of his last success get to his head. “I can do it, bud, don’t worry about it.”

“That’s my boy!”

“Don’t encourage him!”

“He can do it!”

“How the fuck do you know that!?”

“Sixth sense, my dude.”

JJ blocked out the bickering, taking a couple of steps back from the edge of the roof. A running start never hurt anyone, right? He rolled his shoulders, stretching his neck from left to right. Never once did he let his gaze shift away from the satellite pole. He crouched down a little, already feeling the adrenaline build up in him. “Diver down, boys.” He grinned before he began sprinting to the edge of the building. As he reached the edge, he pushed himself off and extended his arm out, imagining the web wrapping around the pole and seconds later it did. He held the web tightly in his grip as he felt himself swinging towards the building. Whoops and cheers could be heard, though JJ wasn’t sure if they were coming from him or the boys back on the roof.

“JJ, THE WALL! LOOK OUT!”

But JJ was a little too pumped up to even comprehend what Pope was screaming until he noticed the brick wall getting closer. ‘Shit, shit, shit.’ The words echoed in his head and he tried to think of a way to slow himself down. But it was useless as he found himself colliding with the wall, his eyes clenched shut on impact.

“Oh, fuck.” He groaned, his limbs sprawled out like a starfish. A part of him thought he was dead, that maybe he hit the wall way too hard, he had a lot of momentum after all. But the muffled screams coming from his friends was enough to tell him that he was very much alive. “I’m alive!” He yelled out, slowly beginning to blink his eyes open, finding himself face to face with a brick wall. “What the…” He trailed off when he glanced at his hands, finding them attached to the brick wall.

His heart was pounding when he looked down, seeing that he was attached to the wall, very far up from the ground, with nothing suspending him. His mind was reeling, almost as though he was waiting for himself to fall and his body to meet the ground. But it never happened.

“You’re like an actual fucking spider, dude!” He heard John B yell, as though he was right beside him, which caused him to wince a little. He glanced over his shoulder, seeing them still very far away on that roof.

JJ shook his head and glanced up, seeing the edge of the roof a couple of feet from where he was stuck on the wall. He took a deep breath before slowly removing one hand, and when he was sure he wasn’t going to fall, he moved it up higher. Slowly, JJ found himself scaling the side of the building, his heart beating wildly even as he pulled himself over the edge, both feet finding the solid ground of the roof. He turned back to look at his friends, both of whom looked shocked beyond belief.

“What the hell…” He could hear Pope whisper, which only caused JJ’s eyebrows to furrow in confusion.

“This is a lot more complicated than I thought.” He muttered to himself, only now realising that the bite mark on his hand was long gone.

**********

JJ winced a little as he heard the bell ring, indicating the end of this period and the start of lunch—his favourite subject. Yet, JJ wasn’t exactly jumping out of his seat as usual. It was now Monday and everyone was back at school. JJ, Pope and John B had spent the better use of the whole weekend to run around, using JJ like some lab rat and seeing just what he could and couldn’t do. And JJ was fucking exhausted. The amount of times he had face-planted into a wall was beyond funny and he had learnt the hard way that the more on edge he was, the more sensitive he was…well, to everything. The sound of the chairs screeching against the floor made him cringe, the bright LED lights made him want to cry and the feeling of his sweater against his skin was scratchy and uncomfortable. JJ sure as hell wasn’t hyped for his newly found powers if this is what the rest of his life is going to be like.

The blond sighed to himself as he shoved his stuff into his backpack, swinging it over his shoulder and heading towards the cafeteria once he left the class. He kept his head down, finding the small shuffles of his vans against the floor were helping him from cussing out every single student that bumped into him, making him honestly want to scream and stay six feet away from everyone. He tried to reassure himself that he was half way through the day, that he only had a couple of hours left and then he could preferably go hide in a hole somewhere for the rest of his life. Okay, that is a little dramatic but a dark hole sounded great to JJ right now.

But here’s the thing, JJ is a Maybank. He has the good ol’ Maybank luck, which means even when he feels shit, the universe is out to make his life worse. And the universe sent that in the form of Rafe Cameron and his loyal little minions, Topper Thornton and Kelce Smith. Midtown High’s own version of the Plastics, some may say.

By some, I mean JJ. But hey, don’t judge. He was forced into watch Mean Girls by one of his flings awhile back and he won’t lie, the movie slaps. But that is besides the point.

“Oi, Maybank!”

JJ inwardly groaned at the sound of Rafe’s voice. He would much rather hear nails on a chalkboard than whatever Rafe had to say. JJ wouldn’t consider them bullies, they were simply the top tier of the uptown kids who had some sort of superiority complex. And JJ had no issue on challenging them, it was far too easy to wind up a bunch of rich kids who weren’t used to being called out on their bullshit. And it just stuck. They would say something stupid to try and provoke him, and most of the time JJ’s words were enough for them to leave him alone. He had the satisfaction of punching Rafe in the face a few times, but usually Pope and John B were quick to hold him back. After all, it would backfire on JJ if he got into trouble with an uptown kid.

“What do you want?” JJ huffed out, glancing up at the trio. The sight of the three of them almost brought a smile to his lips. Uptown kids and their need to follow trends, they wore the same outfit in different variations and it honestly made JJ want to laugh. The classic preppy look with their pastel sweaters and tennis shoes, it made JJ want to gag. But he contained his vomit as Rafe spoke up.

“Aw, c’mon, Maybank. That all you got today? A bit pathetic.” Rafe snickered, the other two laughing along with their leader. JJ rolled his eyes. The funniest thing about them was their outfits.

“As much as I’d love to talk to you little pastel powerpuff girls, I have much better things to do in my life,” JJ said with a sarcastic smile on his lips as he side-stepped the trio, attempting to make his way past them. He really didn’t have the patience to deal with them today. He had happily planned to steal food from Pope and take a nap for the hour. But the second he felt Rafe’s hand on his shoulder, he knew that wasn’t going to be happening.

“Watch your mouth, Maybank.” Rafe spat, his hand tightening on JJ’s shoulder. The act made him want to cringe away and rip off his skin. The feeling of his hand on his shoulder, his thumb brushing that little bit of skin near the neckline of his sweater, it made JJ want to gag. It felt horrible. He wanted that feeling gone.

“Piss off, Cameron.” He scoffed, harshly jerking his shoulder so Rafe’s hand would lose its grip but it only tightened. In an act of desperation, JJ did the only thing that seemed reasonable. He shoved Rafe away. Now normally, it would be enough to have Rafe stumble a few steps so JJ can make a quick exit. But JJ just so happened to have forgotten that this wasn’t like every other normal time. He wasn’t normal anymore. So, his shove was much more than a wee push, it was more like completely winding Rafe. JJ couldn’t help but cringe when he heard the sound of Rafe’s body colliding with the lockers before he slumped to the ground, a dent now evident in the lockers from the collision. Topper and Kelce looked at JJ with mixed looks of confusion and fear before rushing to their friend’s aid.

“Oh my god, Rafe!”

JJ’s head snapped to the end of the hallway where he could see Sarah Cameron, but she wasn’t alone. Beside her was the curly haired girl from the trip. His eyes widened a little when his gaze met hers, but he was only met with a glare from the mysterious beauty.

“What’s your problem?” She hissed at JJ as the two girls got closer, now seeing the full effect of what JJ had done. JJ gulped a little, his fingers tapping the side of his legs as he tried to think this through. What could he say, ‘oh sorry, kinda lost control of my new powers, I’ll be a little more careful next time’. Yeah, that wasn’t going to work.

“He started it!” JJ blurted out, only to mentally smack himself at how childish he sounded. “I barely touched him, he was being dramatic!” He added but the looks of uncertainty didn’t reassure him that they bought it. He was in the lion’s den here, a downtown kid surrounded by the privileged. He was never going to win. So, he did the only sane thing any downtown kid would do. He got out of there as quick as he could.

“He could be concussed!” Sarah Cameron spoke up for the first time, a frown on her face as she met JJ’s gaze. He could almost feel the judgement oozing from her.

“Maybe he will finally have some brain cells knocked into him!” And with that, JJ ran out of that hallway and didn’t stop running until he was far away from the school.

**********

“I’m sorry what?”

Following the fiasco on Monday, JJ’s week hadn’t been much better. Most of it was spent avoiding the uptown crew whilst simultaneously keeping a low profile, which is very hard for someone like JJ. He was used to being the class clown, milking any attention he got. Now he felt like he was under house arrest or something, trapped to keep to himself and work out what the hell was happening to him. But true to their commitment of being his best friends, John B and Pope were right there beside him. It had been a long and stressful week but they made it through. It was a little exhausting on them but they had each other to lean on. JJ was just glad he wasn’t alone.

But now, sat in Pope’s bedroom on the Saturday night, looking between the two boys with a very concerned look, JJ wasn’t sure his weekend was going to be any more relaxing. He knew the three of them combined weren’t the best combinations. They probably shared a brain cell between them and even then, it mostly resided with Pope and his weird, random facts. They had come up with some really strange, out-there ideas before—like the time they tried to give John B a perm with household products or when they convinced themselves they could do a road trip in John B’s crappy van. But this was the icing on the cake. This was enough for JJ to confirm that his friends had completely lost their mind.

“Think about it!” John B continued, practically rolling on the balls of his feet in excitement. JJ raised an eyebrow but didn’t interrupt him. To be honest, JJ wasn’t even sure where to start with how bad of an idea this was. “You have these super cool powers that are totally useless to everyday life, so why not put them to use? You could be like—the next Batman or something!”

“Batman was a rich dude who made gadgets. He doesn’t even have any powers. How the hell would I be like Batman?”

“Okay, bad example,” Pope piped up. “But just think about it. You could make a difference, be a hero!”

“A really badass superhero!” John B added.

JJ looked at them with a frown on his face. This now just seemed like a deranged joke. He was waiting for them to laugh, to say it was just a silly joke and move on with their usual weekend plans. But they didn’t. They continued.

“I mean, we could be a team! The three of us! You’ll go out and do all the crime fighting, Pope can make crazy gadgets and do all the…tech stuff and I can be your guy in the chair, you know?”

“My guy in the chair?”

“Yeah, you know, the guy in the headset…surrounded by screens…telling you where to go when you need extra help and stuff.”

“What?”

“Like Pope would set it up, but I would be the mastermind behind it! Like you’re stuck in a building and can’t find a way out, I would help you find a route. Your guy in the chair!”

JJ only shook his head, pressing his fingers to his temples to try and not completely lose his temper.

“And like every superhero ever, you’ll need a suit. So, I went looking through some stuff and I found my mum’s sewing machine,” Pope fumbled around in his pocket before he pulled out a small bunch of red fabric. He threw it to JJ, which he easily caught. JJ then realised it was like a ski mask, with two small holes for his eyes. “It’s not much but we can work on it, keep your identity secret and everything.”

“Oh, and you’ll need a badass name! I was thinking like Night Monkey, or—“

“—Spiderling!” Pope interrupted with a grin, clearly proud of it. But JJ had enough.

“Can the both of you just shut up!” He snapped, both boys instantly quieting down, looking at JJ with concerned looks. “Okay, are you out of your mind? Me? A superhero? Hate to fucking break it to you but I am not the superhero type guy, alright? I’m not your friendly neighbourhood nice guy helping old ladies cross the street or getting cats out of the tree! I could give zero fucks about the law cause all its there for is rich idiots to manipulate and use to ruin lives of people like us!” JJ cried out to them, letting go of any hope he had on trying to keep his cool.

“People like us don’t become heroes, alright? We are usually the ones that get locked up. And knowing my luck, I will be thrown straight into some loony house, in a straitjacket because of these powers! You guys have to be absolute fools if you think any of this would work.” JJ huffed as he stood up, shoving the mask into his pocket before making his way to the door. “I don’t care about other people, alright? I care about you guys, my mum and most importantly, myself. Why the hell should I risk my life for a world that won’t appreciate it anyways.” Both boys stood there stunned, looking at JJ with wide eyes and parted lips.

“JJ—“

“No, okay? Superheroes are meant for comic books and movies, not real life, alright? Grow up.” And with that, JJ slammed the door as he left the apartment.

JJ scoffed, muttering to himself as he walked through the dark streets of New York, deciding to take the longer route back home. He needed the time to clear his head, grasp his thoughts. He didn’t know what the boys were thinking, he was definitely not fit to be a hero. Were they out of their minds? Give a guy some abnormal powers and suddenly he should be putting on a cape and preaching morals. That wasn’t JJ, that would never be JJ. He was selfish, arrogant at times and beyond prideful. But he was aware. He knew what he was and he knew he didn’t have what it took to be a hero. Pope and John B needed to stop being ignorant and see that.

He rolled his eyes at the thought and continued his way back to his building complex, hands shoved in his pockets with his right-hand clenching around the fabric of the mask. Small puffs escaped his lips as JJ started regretting taking the long way home. It was October and winter was promising to come early, JJ could tell that much by the stinging cold against his cheeks. The cold was just the cherry on top of his bitter mood.

Yet, as JJ continued to make his way home, he could hear the sound of people talking, causing a frown to form on his face. JJ had walked this way many times, especially during the night, and the chance of passing someone down these streets were fairly rare. Maybe the odd one here or there, but a group of people? Definitely not common.

At first, he ignored it. He had gotten used to the heightened senses over the week, being able to hear things from a distance even when he didn’t try. For all he knew, he could be hearing the muttering of some people a few blocks over. So, he ignored it and carried on walking. But then it started getting louder and clearer. JJ felt his whole body go on alert, the hair on his arm standing up, like his body knew something was off. He could feel it in his gut, a horrible realisation that this wasn’t going to be his usual walk home.

It wasn’t until when JJ turned the corner that he realised just what he had walked into. There stood around five men, all wearing masks that covered the lower half of their faces. They were dressed in all black, probably to draw less attention to themselves, but JJ could see the glint of guns in the light of the lampposts shining down on the street. They stood outside a building, three of them seeming to try and block the view of the other two. It was then when JJ’s brain actually caught up with what he was seeing and realised what the building was. A bank. These guys were trying to rob a bank.

Well shit.

The way JJ saw it, he had two options here. He could turn around, pretend he didn’t see anything and let them get on with what they were doing. Chances were they would either get caught by the police or he would see that the bank had been successfully robbed tomorrow morning on the news. Or JJ could do something about it. He quickly grabbed his phone from his pocket, only to see that it was dead. Of course, it was the good ol’ Maybank luck. He shoved it back into his pocket and looked towards the five men.

Then an idea popped into his head. A stupid, insane idea that was nothing short of self-deprecating and downright dumb. It was short of one of the worst ideas he had ever had. JJ had done a lot of weird stuff in his life but this definitely tops it all. And the worst part was that he was going through with it, because as much as he hated it, it was his only choice right now.

“I’m gonna regret this.” JJ huffed to himself as he snatched the mask out of his pocket and pulled it down over his face, adjusting it so he could see through the small holes Pope had made. He let out a breath, shaking his shoulders a little as he tried to pump himself up, get his adrenaline going.

“You got this, it’s not like they have guns or anything,” JJ muttered to himself as he placed his hands on the wall of the building across from the bank, the one he was currently hiding around so the bank robbers wouldn’t see him, before he began to scale the building. I mean, who would expect the enemy coming from above, right?

He stopped around half way up the building, thanks to the heightened senses he was able to still see the criminals clearly. He watched them closely, seeing only the three men that were on lookout where the one with guns. “Oh, let’s hope this works.” He whispered to himself before extending his arm out.

“What the fuck!” One of them called out as his gun was snatched from his hands in the blink of an eye, his two friends following a similar reaction. JJ wasn’t even thinking about where he was throwing the guns, just as long as they were nowhere near these dudes when he confronted them.

He watched them freak out, yelling at each other as they looked around for the culprit to their missing guns. He heard the half-ass threats they used and tried not to snort before he shot a web to one of the lampposts nearby and swung down, landing gracefully at the top of the lamppost.

“Guys, I hate to break it to you but someone lied, bank doesn’t open until tomorrow morning.” JJ called out to them, giving a small shrug. All five heads snapped up to look at him, and the glares he was receiving was enough to tell him that these guys weren’t big jokesters.

“Piss off, kid, this is none of your business.” One of them replied in a blunt, scruffy voice. It honestly made JJ cringe a little.

“You see,” JJ sighed. “I’ve made it my business so…” He trailed off before snapping his wrist, a web shooting out to stick to the head of the closest criminal and with a firm tug, his head hit the pole before he slumped to the ground.

One of the men growled at JJ, clearly not happy about some weird kid interrupting their wee heist. “You had your warning, kid. Come down and play with the adults.” He taunted before JJ noticed the glimmer of something in the light. A knife. Of-fucking-course the gun wasn’t the only weapon they had on them.

“That’s a bit unfair, isn’t it?” He commented, shooting a web to wrap around the criminal’s wrist, prepared to pull it out of his grasp, only for the robber to tug the web instead, sending JJ flying off the lamppost and falling on his ass to the ground. “Fuck!” He hissed as he quickly jumped to his feet.

“Life is unfair,” The criminal muttered before reaching to punch JJ but he easily dodged it. The speed and agility with which he moved with clearly distracting the criminal long enough for JJ to kick him hard enough that sent him stumbling back into the wall. JJ barely had time to process it before he snapped his hand to the left, stopping a fist that was inches away from his face.

“Nice try, asshole.” He huffed before twisting the criminal’s arm before sending a swift punch to his jaw. There was a satisfying pop sound that told JJ he would be preoccupied for at least a couple of minutes.

He then noticed two of the criminals trying to corner him, and he couldn’t help but smirk a little under the mask at just how cliché it seemed. In seconds, JJ has webs shooting out each wrist, attaching to the chests of each men, before yanking the two towards each other. Groans echoed through the empty street as both men collided with each other.

JJ’s head snapped to the side when he heard an angry battle call as he saw the man with the now dislocated jaw running towards him. JJ crouched down a little before he began running towards the criminal, his arms hooking around his knees. He kept running forwards until JJ felt glass smash around him and the two of them fell through. He quickly got up, wincing at the window he had just broken before turning to the criminal and giving him a good smack in the face—he definitely wasn’t holding back with his strength on that one.

JJ began to work fast, not knowing how long each of the criminals would stay dazed and unconscious for. In no time, he had them piled together, a healthy amount of web fluid keeping them tied together. They wouldn’t be going anywhere—at least for twenty minutes. But it was just JJ’s luck that he didn’t have to worry about that time limit because not even seconds after he finished, he heard the sirens and saw the blue lights flashing down the streets.

Police cars began to surround the bank, creating a semi-circle to prevent any possible escape. Officers began to exit their vehicles, guns set and loaded and now aimed towards JJ. “This is NYPD, keep your hands where we can see them!” One officer called out.

“Shit,” JJ muttered to himself as he raised his hands in the air, watching as officers slowly approached the crime scene.

He watched as a look of confusion washed over their faces as they took in the scene: the smashed window, the five tied up men, the weird silky rope that was binding them together and of course, JJ in his crappy mask.

He watched as they evaluated the situation. Watched as they tried to piece it all together before one officer—the badge telling JJ her name was Captain Peterkin—stopped in front of JJ with raised eyebrows. “Did you do this?”

“Sure did, ma’am.”

“Why?” Another officer perked up, JJ could see his badge said Officer Shoupe.

“They were robbing a bank, what did you want me to do? Sit around making daisy chains until you showed up?” JJ immediately defended, glaring as best as he could with the mask on his face.

Peterkin smiled a little before she cleared her throat, JJ’s attention shifting to her. “Then I guess we owe you a great deal of thanks for your work.”

“All in a day’s work, can I leave now? I’m sure the security cameras will give you all the answers you need.” JJ stated as he already began to take a few steps away from the crime scene, walking backwards.

“Can we at least know your name?” Peterkin asked.

JJ looked down at his wrists before he snapped them up, watching as the web attached to nearby building. He looked at Peterkin and couldn’t help grin under his mask as he answered her question before tugging on the web and swinging away into the night.

“Call me Spider-Man.”

Taglist: @alphinias @popcornhook @loveyatopluto @teamnick @peanutbelley @iccyyyybitch @jiara-maybank @donkey-is-my-spirit-animal @carissarose16 @unspokenfaith @largedenominationsplease @jiaaras @homebody-nobody @smileymikey @hvitstark @shaymq7 @hmspogue @falseungodlyhours @aarchiess @rcsales @raeoffuckingsunshine @jjskiaras @parker-holland-osterfield @thesadprose

#jiara #outer banks #obx #jj maybank #kiara carrera #jj maybank x kiara carrera #outer banks fanfiction #jiara fanfiction #obx fic #my fic #spiderman au #marvel #tale of a slightly unstable teen hero

[adventures-in-poly]

0 Posts in 2020

You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.

The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.

The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.

That said.

I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.

I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)

I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.

Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.

But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.

I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.

I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.

But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.

Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]

I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.

#polyamory #Poly #nonmonogamy #non monogamy #polyam

[writedisaster]

@entales said:

talk about... (spins a big wheel) lip's feelings on vampires and their decision to purposely embody the role of victim to cope

        Oh BOY.  So I already talked on this a bit here, but let’s go deeper.  (Okay, there’s gonna be multiple other posts linked throughout this post, because that’s just how I roll, but if you only have time to read one of ‘em, make it that one.)

        As described in that earlier post, Lip’s fascination with replaying the attack¹ came from a desire to take control of the narrative— a way to retell the story while casting themself in a way that put them in control of it.

        The nature of their work is also, in a way, a reaction to years of enforced hiding.  By bringing the action to an audience, they bring it out into the open, to a point where it cannot possibly be denied.  ...Well, kind of.  Their performances are showy, but the truth of the first attack isn’t something Lip ever shares.  In a way, their current routine is actually just a different way of hiding.  In the same way that they’ve camouflaged the first scar by simply covering themself in more scarring, they hide the reality of their victimization by covering it in the glitter of stage victimhood.  They grew up with their family’s rules, pretending the thing that hurt them never happened.  Now they’re out on their own, living by their own rules, and they pretend the thing that hurt them doesn’t hurt at all.

        Under the cut I’m gonna talk more about the history of their behavior, as well as addressing the other part of this question.  Warning for discussion of grooming, abuse, addiction, self-endangerment, mentions of suicide.

        Lip started experimenting with feeding vampires when they were 16.  They would lie about their age, of course, on the off chance that anyone ever bothered to ask them, but it wasn’t as if anyone cared.  Not at the parties they went to, anyways.  They’d sneak out, find their way downtown, mingle with the creatures of the night, and inevitably find someone whose hungers were compatible with their own.

        In Lip’s world, of course, there are moral vampires.  There are vampires who are careful, ethical, and compassionate in how they choose to feed.  These sorts of vampires don’t fucking feed on 16 year olds, so everyone Lip was hanging out with at this stage in their life was... the other sort.

        Like a lot of predators, the crowd Lip fell in with was great at making them feel special, mature, desirable², and in control.  Lip’s only other social contacts at the time were their family (who ranged from abusive to clueless) and their it’s-complicated best friend.  In that context, their new crowd felt like a godsend.

        Hanging out with their new friends made them feel good.  Here were people who could see the side of Lip that was always hidden, and would never call them broken for it.  Here were people who got them.  Here were people who could give them what they wanted.

        The reality, of course, was that Lip never mattered to any of them as anything more than a piece of meat.  When they ran away from home, the illusions started to fade.  None of their new friends would put them up for longer than a night.  A few might toss Lip pocket change after taking their fill of them, but it was never a fair trade.  Looking back, Lip knows they’re lucky that none of those “friends” felt like taking them in, knowing there's no way any such arrangement could have ended well for them, but at the time, they were just a desperate, homeless teenager, watching the people who’d sworn they were there for them shut doors in their face.

        Unfortunately, it was a little late to get wise.  At that point, getting bled felt like the only way Lip could cope with their world.  It wasn’t about reclaiming their narrative anymore, or empowering themself to face the darkness, or anything like that.  It was about getting through the night.

        And it sucked!  It nearly killed them!  On multiple occasions!

        Talking about Lip’s journey out of that place would be another long-ass post entirely, one that I do hope to write someday.  Not right now, though.

        For now, I’ll say Lip is doing a lot better.  Not perfect.  They’re not anyone’s ideal of what a model Recovered Addict looks like, and not only because they’re not trying to go abstinent-only (that’s not a criticism, I honestly think avoiding the A.O. approach is best for them).  Even working within their own paradigm, though, they’ve had some backslides.  As of the point in time I write as their mainverse, they have only barely begun the part of the process where they’re realizing that if they’re not actively going out to try and throw their life away every night, they need to find something else to do with it.  And they have no idea what that something else could be.  But still— they’re doing better.  Sometimes they feel like no one else would understand how this could be what better looks like for them, but they’re doing so much better.

        But back to the first part of this question: Lip’s feelings on vampires.  Which are... complicated.  As much as Lip has pretty much built their professional life on vampirefucker behavior, it’s... nowhere near as simple as they make it seem.

        Given everything I’ve just said in this post, it would make sense to assume Lip has an overall negative feeling towards vampires.  But it’s nowhere near that simple, either. They don’t bear any ill will towards vampires as a group.  They don’t think vampires are monolithic.  There are vampires they like.  There could even be vampires they might love.  But- well, the best way I can put it is that being around vampires makes them feel very aware of how killable they are.  Which they don’t necessarily think of as a bad thing; killable also means alive, and they’re willing to do a lot of things to feel alive.

        But there is... something else to how they feel about the idea of vampire existence, which is, like, a certain sort of hypocrisy.  In Lip’s worldview, other people can be vampires and still be good people.  Other people can be vampires and still add positive value to the world just by existing exactly the way they are.  But Lip?  No.  Lip would rather die than ever live as a vampire.  (With, in the whole of the multiverse, one possible exception.)  This is why I don’t have any AUs where Lip is a vampire— outside of the single aforementioned exception, if Lip was ever turned vampire, they’d be dead by their own hand as soon as possible.

¹ When I say ‘replaying the attack,’ it's worth noting that the exactitude varies. Some nights, Lip’s performances have no similarity with the attack at all beyond the mere fact of being bitten.  Other nights, the action plays a lot closer to home.

        How do they reconcile their belief that other vampires can lead meaningful and positive lives with their own personal feeling that death would be preferable?  Mainly by thinking about the second thing as little as possible.  If anyone tries to offer them eternal life as a vamp, they’ll laugh it off and say they would have no idea what to do with all that time.  After the initial brush-off, if anyone got pushy about it, Lip would panic and cut ties completely.  There’s a lot of bad treatment they’ve endured without feeling the need to cut the other person out of their life, but the idea of ever finding themself on the other side of this hunger is... completely beyond bearing for them.  They’ll do anything to avoid that threat.

·····  ·····  ·····  ·····  ·····

² Given what I’ve said about Lip’s feelings on their own attractiveness, it may seem slightly contradictory to say they have a need for the feeling of being desired, but oh boy, they do.

#find limits past the limits; jump in front of trains all day | ABT: lip #entales #//here it is. the Mess.

[xbaebsae]

OTP Questions

Tagged by @f0xyboxes , @dieguzguz, @nightwingshero, @deputyrhiannonhale and @returnofthepd3 thanks for thinking of me sweethearts♥

(art by minilev)

Rheese Bennett & Jacob Seed (idk if anyone even reads these except me but under cut because long post)

DISAGREEMENTS

Who is more likely to raise their voice?  Jacob. Now don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t loose his cool all that easy but Rheese can be a pain sometimes and he lacks the patience.

Who threatens to leave but never actually does?  Neither of them.

Who actually keeps their word and leaves?  This is actually what Rheese does when they break up about three months before the game. He finally is too deluded by Joseph’s demands of him that she cannot get through to him anymore and keep him from hurting people. They have a pretty bad fight about him torturing people that ends with him actually slapping her with the intention of making her shut up because she wouldn’t stop arguing against him. She gives him one moment to apologize for that, but he doesn’t so she leaves :’)

Who trashes the house?  They frequently throw things at each other.

Do either of them get physical?  Depends on when. Jacob pushes her around sometimes or touches her pretty roughly when he suffers from the effects of his PTSD. No domestic violence though. They also land real blows in training fights, same level bad on both sides really.

It’s worse during the arrest when they aren’t together anymore. Jacob was pretty devastated when he realized she actually left for good (he interpreted ‘i am leaving’ as her going home). It resulted in a lot of self blame (justified) which his family couldn’t really deal with. Joseph convinced him in the end that she was just another test he had to overcome in his life to find his correct path. So, he pretty much behaves just like he does in-game. She doesn’t get special treatment, she gets starved and thrown into murder trials like everyone else.

How often do they argue/disagree?  Pretty often. In the beginning it’s all they do, until they realize that having normal conversations every once in a while isn’t so bad actually.

Who is the first to apologize?  Apologies are for the weak :)

SEX

Who is on top?  Jacob

Who is on the bottom? Rheese (though she won’t admit it if you asked her)

Who has the strangest desires?  It’s nothing very strange tbh (at least not by my definition of strange... god i’ve seen ... things on deviantart. Definetly none of that!)

Any kinks?  Yeah, the perfect combo of wanting to feel powerless and wanting to feel in control. It complies with their character really. Rheese was forced to take care of herself ever since her teen years, which developed her into a pretty tough person. She likes the control she has over her life, and doesn’t let herself be pushed around by anyone. Feeling stripped of that control is however really exciting for her. Jacob’s kinda the other way around (imo anyway) in that he’s constantly following orders nevermind when or where, even within his own family (to not disappoint Joseph).

Who’s dominant in bed?  Jacob, Rheese only if he forces her to be :)

Is head ever in the equation?  Yes

If so, who is better at performing it?  Rheese. Slightly unfair though because she’s simply worse on the receiving end.

Ever had sex in public?  Yeah, much to her dismay.

Who moans the most?  Rheese

Who leaves the most marks?  Both do in different ways.

Who is the more experienced of the two?  Jacob

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?  Even the nastiest sex is ‘making love’ to them really. It’s frankly a form of talking to them because they both truly suck at verbal communication. Also, Rheese has the old fashioned rule in her life that she won’t sleep with people she isn’t sure about, so before actually being together they don’t have sex. Tho she’s close to breaking that rule multiple times.

Rough or soft?  Rough, sometimes foreplay is soft.

How long do they usually last?  Depends on time and mood. Also Rheese is a lot younger so she sometimes could go again when he can’t. However that doesn’t mean he gets the best of her sometimes :’)

Is protection used?  Yes on her side

Does it ever get boring?  No

Where is the strangest place they’d have sex?  Some small cabin at the place they train Judges. It was kinky, they got caught and she prefers to just not talk about it ever again.

FAMILY

Do they plan on having children/or have children?  No, they never wanted to. Their daughter Jaina was an unwanted accident.

If so, how many children do they want/have?  They have 1 and that’s already more than they wanted.

AFFECTION

Who likes to cuddle?  Rheese

Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?  Jacob usually. But sometimes she’s good at it as well.

Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  Jacob, and it bothers her a lot in public. He doesn’t really care about what his people think of him, he knows he’s the boss so they can’t say shit. It’s also a way of just showing off that she belongs to him and that’s exactly why she doesn’t like it, cause she ain’t property. Also, people might believe she only became a Chosen trainer because she fucks the boss, which isn’t true because she got that position from someone other than Jake, based entirely on her performance.

How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?  Until Rheese falls into deep sleep and starts spreading her limbs everywhere uncontrolably.

Who gives the most kisses?  Jacob

What is their favourite non-sexual activity?  Honestly, just existing next to each other is enough. They are just as happy just sitting in the same room, doing their own tasks, as they are going out for a fishing trip (actually she hates fishing, but the lakes are nice).

Where is their favourite place to cuddle?  The bed

How often do they get time to themselves?  Usually evenings and nights. They would have more time together if Rheese didn’t value her alone time. Sometimes she prefers to spend her days off alone, going on a ride through the forests or just relaxing without anybody around. He doesn’t quite approve of that but she doesn’t let herself be locked up.

SLEEPING

Who snores?  None of them

If both do, who snores the loudest?  Nobody

Do they share a bed or sleep separately?  Share a bed when living together.

If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?  Usually fall asleep cuddling but where they end up is entirely up to chance.

What do they wear to bed?  Underwear usually. Though t-shirts along with that in the beginning.

Are either of them insomniacs?  Jake has trouble sleeping and often wakes up. Her presence helps him but she’s not a magic sleeping pill so the issue never fully disappears.

Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?  Nah

Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?  Usually the first, when it’s too hot the latter.

Who wakes up with bed hair?  Both. Rheese loves his messy hair, especially after she bullied him enough into letting it grow a bit. He however calls her hay-head, because her hair gets all tangled up and poofy despite being tied into a braid.

Who wakes up first?  He does, good luck getting her outta bed before 10.

Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?  Nobody does, they aren’t romantic.

What is their favourite sleeping position?  Rheese digging her face in the space between his neck and shoulders while one leg and one arm hugs him and he has an arm around her.

Do they set an alarm each night?  When there’s work the next day.

Can a television be found in their bedroom?  No, though she sometimes uses his laptop to watch movies.

Who has nightmares?  Jacob has real ones, Rheese only the occasional bad dream we all get sometimes.

Who has ridiculous dreams?  She dreams demented shit sometimes, never talks about it though.

Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?  Rheese, she’s a restless sleeper. Got kicked out of the bed for it more than once.

Who makes the bed?  Neither of them. They don’t care about it being untidy.

What time is bed time?  Depends. Usually Rheese stays awake longer to finish watching movies.

Any routines/rituals before bed?  Nothing special, sometimes talking, sometimes a movie, sometimes sex, sometimes just hugging in silence.

Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?  Jake, esp when she talks too much in the morning.

WORK

Who is the busiest?  They both are pretty equally busy.

Who rakes in the highest income?  It doesn’t really matter to them. The cult pays food and since they don’t care much about materialism, they don’t need much money.

Are any of them unemployed?  They have their job in the cult. Rheese works as a deputy before and after her stay there. so no.

Who takes the most sick days?  Neither really take any unless they are really so sick they can’t move. It’s an unhealthy work ethic but they feel useless when just lying in bed all day.

Who is more likely to turn up late to work?  Jake didn’t before, but he sometimes does because of her in the morning. Not that he really minds though, who’s gonna say anything against him?

Who sucks up to their boss?  Jacob in regards to Joseph, which Rheese thinks is very unhealthy. She doesn’t like how he lets himself be used so much and mostly blindly follows whatever his brother says. They have a lot of arguments about this and in the end it’s what ruins their relationship.

What are their jobs?  He’s head of security at Eden’s Gate. She’s a deputy, then pseudo joins the cult and works herself up to become a trainer of the Chosen, then she returns to her deputy position for the arrest.

Who stresses the most?  He does

Do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?  Police work wasn’t her passion. It was just a career she thought wouldn’t be boring. No noble motives and such. She only reprises her role as the deputy for the arrest because she falsely blames herself for everyone who’s been hurt by Jake’s hands after she left him. Her return is based on her trying to redeem herself. She had fun training Chosen, but she wouldn’t want to be part of any torture cult.

Jacob barely has any opinion on his work. He believes what he does is what needs to be done and he’s the best suited person for the job. You won’t find him complain, though he secretly just wants peace in his life. He hopes the cult’s actions will ultimately lead to that.

Are they financially stable?  They have enough.

HOME

Who does the washing?  Neither until one of them is fed up with the pile in the sink or the lack of clean plates in the shelf.

Who takes out the trash?  Usually Rheese is bothered by it first.

Who does the ironing?  They don’t

Who does the cooking?  She makes good pancakes. But other than that? Don’t allow her in the kitchen because she can’t cook for shit. He can cook a couple of things but is often simply too lazy to ‘play housewife’ so their dinners often consist of very simplistic things. Occasionally one of them will bring home takeout.

Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?  Rheese, just...keep her out of the kitchen.

Who is messier?  Both pretty much. His place is a mess and she isn’t bothered by it because her apartment looked the same.

Who leaves the toilet roll empty?  Jake, to annoy her.

Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?  They both just throw them wherever.

Who forgets to flush the toilet?  Jake, again to annoy her. (her ‘ewww you’re fucking nasty’ face is really entertaining)

Who is the prankster around the house? Neither, they diss each other a lot, sometimes joke on the other’s cost but no deliberate pranks.

Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?  Doesn’t really happen.

Who mows the lawn?  No lawn

Who answers the telephone?  They answer their own cells respectively. He refuses to get a smartphone.

Who does the vacuuming?  They don’t own a vacuum cleaner. Only a broom and a mop.

Who does the groceries?  Usually he does.

Who takes the longest to shower?  Rheese, she enjoys the feel of hot water on her skin.

Who spends the most time in the bathroom?  Not much difference there. Rheese doesn’t bother anymore with any routines and such after Jake told her he hates when she wears makeup because it makes his hands sticky when he touches her face :’) Though sometimes she will still put eyeliner out of habit.

MISCELLANEOUS

Is money a problem?  No, they don’t need much.

How many cars do they own?  Jake own an old truck and a motorcycle, Rheese used to have a car but sold it. She prefers riding on her horse Nugget anyway.

Do they own their home or do they rent?  She had an apartment in Missoula before ‘joining’. Then she lived at Stone Ridge for a while, then she moved in with him to his place. A tiny cabin far up a mountain at the far outside of the region.

Do they live in the city or in the country?  Country

Do they enjoy their surroundings?  Yes, especially the forests.

What’s their song?  You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi

What do they do when they’re away from each other?  Working, doing their own thing, living. He’s more possessive about her than she is about it. But they both function normally when not being together.

Where did they first meet?  Technically at the church during her very first sermon to ‘join’ the project. But they only interacted about a week later when he’s supposed to bring her to her initiation at John’s place. They immediately hate each other :’)

Who spends the most money when out shopping?  Whoever does the grocery shopping? They both aren’t big on other shopping trips.

Who’s more likely to flash their assets?  She’s not very show off-y. Jacob likes showing she ‘belongs to him’.

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over?  Both

Any mental issues?  Rheese doesn’t really, she lost her parents and her family is extremely distant but it never gave her trauma.

Jacob still deals with the aftermath of war esp. His PTSD gets bad sometimes and he has sleeping issues.

Who’s terrified of bugs?  She is afraid of spiders, and would appreciate if he killed them when they are in the house. But usually he ends up throwing them at her and tells her it’s therapy to defeat her fears.

Who kills the spiders around the house?  Neither, see above

Their favourite place?  A small lake behind a mountain near his cabin.

Who pays the bills?  The cult

Do they have any fears for their future?  Yeah, they are very conflicted about it. Neither of them know where it all leads and their differences (esp the age one) is an issue at times.

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?  They don’t really do that.

Who’s the tallest?  He’s 6'1, she is 5'2. He constantly calls her ‘Shorty’, not in any endearing cute nickname way, but purely to mock her height.

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?  Happens with both of them frequently. Tho Jacob is more prone to this because he showers less on his own. So when she’s in there he’s often like ‘might as well join’.

Who wanders around in their underwear?  Rheese starts this trend which he really doesn’t complain about. She also argues that it makes sense because then there will be less laundry to take care of. Can’t really argue with that really.

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?  She does, very very badly cause she can’t sing.

What do they tease each other about?  Her short height and his age. Always.

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?  Doesn’t really happen but he does judge her Power Rangers T-shirt she wears for sleeping.

Who crushed first?  They both kinda did. They blamed it on physical attraction at first, which made Rheese mad because he wasn’t her type. It takes them a couple of months to actually admit they might eventually possibly perhaps maybe have feelings for one another :)

Any alcohol or substance related problems?  Not really

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?  Rheese does once, and another time they do it together.

Who swears the most?  Jacob, though she’s pretty good at it too.

Tagging @joeyhxdson @fadedjacket @shallow-gravy @chazz-anova​ @ja-crispea​ if you want to. Idk who did this by the time this gets posted.

#tag games #deputy rheese anne bennett #sched

[ssigmas]

office hours

hi this is literally the most self-indulgent filth i’ve ever written ever in my whole life its just like all my fantasies wrapped into one big fic

also im not a math major don’t @ me

tags: afab reader, professor/student, age gap, desk fuckin, stockings, first time,  Guilt, professor kink 👀

 Siebren tried not to have favorites. He really, really did. He took pride in his ability to remain as objective and unbiased as possible, especially concerning his students. No matter their walks of life, their intellectual capabilities, or their attitude in his class, he treated everyone fairly and with the same amount of respect.

But you. You were different. You, who always sat in the front row, who always asked insightful questions, who often came by his office just to chat - he considered you less alongside the notions of “student” but closer to “friend.”

And you were brilliant, too - the likes of which he hadn’t seen in a long time. You struggled with much of the math (which is why you started coming to his office at all) but you had an intuitive understanding of the concepts behind quantum mechanics, something most students lacked. They could do the math fine without understanding the real-world significance it held, but you? You didn’t understand why it worked, but you understood the how, and it made class discussions more enjoyable. You often provided another angle of viewing things, and Siebren had been pleasantly surprised the many times it had been an angle he’d never considered before.

His class wasn’t easy - not that he purposefully made it that way, but the subject matter was extremely difficult. The grade you held in his class was a testament to how hard you worked. On top of that, he knew you also held the same work ethic in your other courses - all of your professors had nothing but glowing praise for you.

You were a kind, hardworking student with just a little too much on your plate. Siebren had a hard time not admiring you. He saw a little bit of himself in you, which is maybe why he found it easy to give you preferential treatment. Not when it came to your grades; he graded blindly, so there was no chance that he’d add a few extra points just because it was you, but in other ways.

Like the time you came to his office well past his normal hours with your bag slung over your shoulder and shadows so dark under your eyes he’d mistaken it for makeup. “Please,” you had said, “I-I know it’s late, but can I study in here? The library’s too crowded for me to focus, and my roommate has her partner over and they keep being...gross, and I just… I promise I’ll be quiet, please?”

You had sounded so exhausted and so close to tears that Siebren literally could not turn you away. He knew he’d be there for another few hours before he headed home, so he had ushered you into his office with a kind smile and brewed a fresh pot of coffee. Working with you in his office had been...so nice. You weren’t draining in the way that so many others were, and he had easily fallen into a deep focus on his research, aided by the constant sktch sktch of your pencil against paper and the soft symphonies flowing through his speakers. 

God, when he found out you listened to Schumann…who could blame him for crushing on you?

It made him feel pathetic, honestly. A renowned professor with multiple degrees, teaching at one of the most elite colleges in the nation, crushing on his student? What kind of twisted pervert had a crush on someone more than half his age?

Him. He did. He was a dirty old man with more than “just a crush” on his favorite student, and he couldn’t get you out of his mind.

You were so cute, even on the days you showed up to his 8 am class in nothing more than an oversized hoodie and joggers, coffee clutched in hand. He loved it when you smiled for him, those tiny secretive smiles that made your eyes light up, or when you giggled genuinely at his god-awful puns despite the fact that no one else did. 

The things he imagined doing to you were more shameful than he was willing to admit. Many times he found himself waking with your name stuck in his throat and a problem that he had to quickly take care of. Cold showers, unfortunately, didn’t help him any more than trying to ignore it. As of late he found himself in hand more times than ever before; he hadn’t been with a sexual partner in ages, and you stirred up feelings in him he didn’t even know he still had - feelings he shouldn’t be having, not toward someone who was so young, and especially not toward his student.

He had tried to curb his infatuation, once, by resolving not to give in to his urges. It had lasted all of three days and culminated in something so disgraceful he didn’t even want to think about it.

(He had once masturbated in his office just moments after you left, your scent still lingering in the doorway. As he fucked desperately into his hand, he’d imagined you kneeling secretively beneath his desk, supple lips around his cock. It’s still one of his favorite fantasies.)

He should be ashamed to call himself your professor, and yet...and yet…

A knock sounded at his door. “Dr. de Kuiper?”

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. He jolted out of his thoughts, casting a glance at his desk where unfinished diagrams and unsolved equations sat. How long had he spaced out for…?

Siebren swiveled in his chair and found you standing in the doorway, hands clasped in front of you. His eyes were immediately drawn to your attire - blazer unbuttoned over a white dress shirt, cute pleated skirt dancing just above your mid-thigh, black thigh-highs accentuating your long legs…

You looked like a goddamn schoolgirl. That should not turn him on.

Even as he struggled to keep his eyes at an appropriate level, he couldn’t keep the genuine warmth and joy from his voice as he greeted you. “Oh, welcome! You’re not having trouble with the problem set, I hope?” He slid his glasses off his face and set them safely on his desk, prepared to have a nice chat with you.

“Ah, no, not really.” You stepped into his office, surreptitiously locking the door behind yourself. “I just wanted to see how your research was coming along, if that’s okay?”

“Of course, of course!” You’re always welcome, sat unsaid on his tongue. He gestured you over to his desk where he pulled out a holo-pad. As he drew up the latest 3D model, he felt your warmth settle into his side, your leg pressing against his own. He tried not to think about it.

“This is still a work in progress, but I think I’m getting closer to a vessel that can act as an appropriate harness.” The hologram flickered to life and showed a geometric model in the center, equations that you couldn’t even hope to understand running below. 

“Ohhh,” you breathed out. You leaned closer to get a better look at the diagram, stepping a leg in between his so that you practically hovered over his lap. “This is neat!”

Siebren willed his heartbeat to slow down. You were so close. “Y-yes, well, like I said it’s unfinished. This is only a prototype.”

“Still.” You flicked the hologram, causing the model to spin as you investigated it. “It’s really cool what you’re trying to do. I mean, control gravity?” You glanced back at him, a smile playing on your lips. “It’s hard to believe that it’s possible.”

He felt his chest swell with pride at your words. “It is. The theorems prove that much. Now, it is simply a matter of finding a practical implementation. If we take a look at the equations…” He pushed himself away from the desk with the intention of grabbing said equations, but his foot got caught around yours and pulled you back with him. You ended up falling right into his lap with a sharp yelp, his arms wrapped around your waist to keep you steady.

Well. This was turning out to be more like the plot of a bad porno, and Siebren hated himself for being able to name at least three that started out this exact same way.

The way you were sitting meant you were straddling his thigh. Which...okay, it wouldn’t have been good under any circumstances, but it was particularly awful now because he could feel your heat through your thin underwear. 

He tried to find words to make the situation okay, yet his mouth felt dry, his throat tight. Your face - as red as his felt - was mere inches away from his own. You fit against him like a puzzle piece, like this was meant to be.

“Please,” he whispered, not sure if he meant to ask for forgiveness or for permission, but any and all thoughts halted on the spot when he felt your lips press awkwardly against the side of his mouth.

God. You were so cute.

His immaculately-pressed self control snapped, and he raised his hands to cup your face and kiss you properly. You sighed into the kiss, open-mouthed, curling your hands into the soft fabric of his shirt. Your lipgloss tasted like cherries.

“We shouldn’t,” he mumbled against your lips. “You’re my student,” he insisted. “This is a-a gross...abuse of power, I can’t…” 

And yet, here he was, unable to pull himself from you for even a second. His hands slid up your shirt to rest against bare skin, and you shuddered against him as he moved to mouth at your neck. You tightened your grip on the armrests, willingly tilting your head to expose more of your soft skin for him. Siebren sucked with the intent of leaving marks, lightly scraping his teeth across a sensitive spot, and you moaned quietly in response - a sound he’d been imagining fondly for the whole semester.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered your hips rolling slowly against his thigh in small, concise movements, like you were trying to be secretive about it. The image of you doing the same against his clothed erection made him choke on a moan, poorly hidden into your neck. You squirmed in his lap, fighting to shrug off your blazer, and in seconds his hands were atop your own.

“Let me,” he asked - no, begged -  and gingerly shooed your hands away. You fisted them in your skirt instead while he slowly undid the buttons of your shirt, sliding it off along with your blazer. They fell into a heap of fabric beside his chair. His eyes lingered on your skin, hand tentatively resting against the soft planes of your stomach.

“I-I, um -”

“Gorgeous,” he breathed, lovingly running his hands down your sides. “You are absolutely stunning.” He brought you in for another kiss, this one more passionate than the last, and slid one broad hand up your back. Deftly, he undid the clasp of your bra, and you gasped in surprise and moved to cover yourself.

“Wait, wait,” you begged, and he felt you pull away from him. Instantly, his hands settled onto your clothed hips. He felt guilt rise up into his throat at your expression - you couldn’t even meet his gaze, eyes flicking to the floor.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m going to fast, aren’t I?” Horrible, horrible, he was absolutely 

disgusting -

Your hands settled on his, even as you turned your face away. “I just...why am I the only one getting undressed?” You looked up at him coyly through your lashes, and a relieved smile spread across his face. Okay. He could fix that.

“You’re nicer to look at than this old man,” he teased, and watched some tension evaporate from your shoulders. 

“It’s not fair.” Your hands moved from your breasts to his shirt collar, fingers twiddling the button there. “Please, professor?” you whispered, and god if that didn’t make his cock jump.

He breathed out slowly through his nose. “All right,” he conceded, and coaxed you off his lap so he could stand. Your eyes fell to his lap, no doubt looking at his straining erection. However, you suddenly moved to hide your face behind your hands.

“Oh no,” you whispered. “I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t mean…”

He glanced down, following your earlier line of sight, and found a nice little wet patch from where you had been sitting. “We’ve only been kissing,” he said, “and you’re already this wet?”

It came off a little meaner than he meant, but behind your hands he saw your flush extend up to your ears. 

Holy fuck.

Effortlessly, Siebren lifted you onto his desk, sending the contents clattering to the floor. You squeaked in surprise, momentarily latching onto him as your world spun - literally.  Even though you were sitting on his desk, he stood eye level with you. He leaned in for another kiss as he began undoing the buttons of his shirt. A moment later, he felt another pair of hands join his. 

“Let me,” you mumbled, looking shy but eager. “Please?”

He let his hands hang down by his sides as you worked his shirt open. He helped you pull it from his shoulders, and when his chest was fully exposed you flushed a pretty pink again.

“Wow,” you breathed, hands skimming over his toned abdomen, up to his deltoids, coming to rest against his biceps. “You’re...really hot.”

It was his turn to blush, but he took the praise in stride. “What, didn’t think your dusty old professor could be smart and strong?”

You bit your lip, shaking your head slightly. “I mean, I always kinda figured you were, ‘cause you have really toned forearms and sometimes when you roll up your sleeves I...never mind.” You ducked your chin into your chest in embarrassment, and Siebren pressed his forehead to yours. 

“No, no. Care to share with the class what you were saying?” He was trying to be playful, but instead you flushed hotter, a soft whine leaving your throat.

“You’re just super nice to look at all the time and I really…” Your voice dipped so low that it he had to strain to hear the last bit. “...really think you’re attractive as hell.”

Siebren couldn’t name the emotion that rose to the surface, so he instead leaned in and captured your lips in a kiss. At least this attraction wasn’t one-sided, and part of him hoped that you had been longing after him just as long as he had. “I’m glad,” he whispered against your lips. He wasn’t ready to confess that he’d imagined you naked more times than he could count, but just knowing that you thought of him like that helped curb some of his lingering feelings of guilt.

His hands settled at the hem of your skirt. “Up,” he commanded quietly, and you braced yourself on his desk, lifting your hips. He slid your skirt and underwear off in one smooth motion, leaving you bare and exposed for him - except for those damnable stockings.

Siebren stopped, stared down at the black fabric covering your legs. A bow sat neatly at the top of each one, tiny and white with black polka-dots. His fingers trembled at the band of your left stocking.

“Do you like them?” you asked, sounding hopeful. “I thought of you when I picked them out this morning.”

Oh god. Oh, Jesus. He was fucked. You wore them with him in mind? “Were you hoping for this?” he asked instead, thumbing the bow at the top. Your face flushed a shade darker, smiling sheepishly.

“I’ve been hoping for this for a while,” you admitted. Both Siebren’s cock and heart jolted at those words. 

God. He was so fucked. So, so fucked.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he groaned. He couldn’t bring himself to take them off, not after knowing that. Instead, he slid down to his knees before you, your thighs framing his face.

“W-wait, professor, what are you doing?” 

He pressed a kiss to the inside of your thigh. “What I’m about to do is called cunnilingus; or, in layman’s terms, I’m going to eat you out.” He relished your whispered oh my god and drew you closer to him, hooking your thighs over his arms, his hands holding your hips. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of your mound and went to work, laving the flat of his tongue across your entrance. You jerked in surprise, thighs attempting to squeeze shut.

“Professor!” you gasped, squirming. He stilled you with those strong arms of his and sucked mercilessly at your clit, causing you to arch up. Your words remained stuck in his head. Professor. Your professor. He was vile, incorrigible, a perverted old man, and you tasted so sweet.

Siebren pulled away just long enough for him to slide a finger into your wet heat, amazed at how easily it went in, aided by your juices and his saliva. “Does it feel good?” he questioned. Sometime between then and now you had ended up on your back, draped across his desk. His tongue licked a wet stripe from his finger to your clit and you answered him with a low moan, a hand finding purchase in his short locks of hair.

Your hips rolled minutely against his mouth as he pumped his finger in and out of you, voice filling the air with a litany of pleas and incoherent mumbles. He slipped a second digit in you and felt you clench around him, voice climbing higher by the minute as he pushed you closer and closer to the edge. He stilled, instead placing a kiss to your inner thigh. “Be quiet, or we’ll have to stop,” he murmured. “The walls are rather thin.” Part of him almost wanted to be caught, consequences be damned. To have others know that he’s the one that has you so debauched, wound tight with need...the hicky was risky enough, he supposed, but he couldn’t help himself.

You wiggled your hips, drawing him from his thoughts. “I’ll be good,” you promised. “Please, professor?” 

He waited a beat just to make sure you hadn’t drawn any unwanted visitors, before he descended on you again. He fucked you with his fingers at a brutal pace, mouth latching over your sensitive nub, and he didn’t stop until you went stock-still, hips trembling as you came. Siebren pulled his fingers from you and cleaned up your juices, making the most obscene noises as he did so.

“Oh my god,” you mumbled. “Oh my god, oh my god. I can’t believe...holy fuck.” You supported yourself with your elbows, watching him rise and hover over you. He settled his hands on your hips, a smug little smile on his face.

“Feel good?”

“Yes,” you hissed. “Holy shit. That was...the best ever. Wow. Thank you.”

He leaned down to kiss you, slow and even, and his clothed erection pressed against you. After a second, you pulled away from him, hands finding purchase on his shoulders. “Um, but what about you?”

“Hm?”

You wrapped a leg around his hips, rutting against his bulge for emphasis. “You’re still hard.”

Siebren shook his head slightly. “Oh, no, no. I made you come, that’s enough for me.”

“But it’s not enough for me,” you said, almost pouting. “You’ve seen everything; it’s only fair that you let me see all of you, too.”

How could he compete with that logic? “You and fairness,” he said, but nonetheless stood straight and began to undo his belt buckle. You watched with rapt attention as he dropped his pants, letting them bunch around his ankles. His cock bobbed free from his briefs, long and thick and leaking, and your eyes widened.

“Oh my god,” you breathed out. Siebren wrapped a hand around his length and stroked it slowly, smearing precum. “I really - um, will that even...fit?”

He laughed quietly, grabbing your legs and lifting them over his shoulders so that your hips were raised slightly. “I’ll go slow,” he promised, “but we won’t do anything if you’re unsure.” He meant it to be comforting, but you shook your head wildly.

“No, no, please. I want this, I promise, please. I can take it.” Even so, you kept glancing at his cock, mouth pressed into a fine line. Your fingers tightened imperceptibly on the desk.

“Please don’t tell me I’m your first,” he said, putting two and two together.

You grew shy, suddenly unable to meet his gaze. “I-I mean, kinda? I’ve done some stuff, but I’ve never actually...y’know.”

His cock twitched and Siebren ran a hand over his face. “Oh, mijn God,” he breathed. You were a virgin. You were his star pupil, his favorite student,  and he was going to take your virginity. Him. Somewhere, he felt incredibly honored to know that you trusted him enough to let him be your first.

“Is...is that a problem?” You sounded so small and self-conscious that he felt something inside him break.

“No!” He was quick to reassure you, running a hand comfortingly down your side. “No, no, not at all, I just -” His voice softened. “Are you sure you want your first time to be with your physics professor? In his dingy office, no less?”

You curled your fingers around the hand at your hip, and Siebren was struck by the realization that your hands were so small, so tiny in comparison to his. “I’ve wanted you for so long, Professor, that I think if you don’t fuck me now I might actually die of desperation.”

That, at least, earned a laugh from him. Siebren placed a kiss to your calf and rubbed the head of his member against your slit, rubbing moisture onto his cock. “Ready?” he asked. 

“Please.”

Slowly, slowly, he pushed into you. He groaned almost instantly at the sensation, hands gripping the soft flesh of your hips. It had been too long. “You’re so tight,” he breathed out, resisting the urge to bottom out immediately. “Am I hurting you?”

You wrapped your fingers around one of his thumbs, heels digging into his shoulders. “No,” you said, though your voice drifted into a soft whine at the end. “It’s...it feels like you’re gonna split me in half,” you confessed. He slid another inch into you and you shamelessly moaned into the sensation, eyes fluttering closed. “I love it.”

After what felt like hours, Siebren sliding into you inch by torturous inch, he finally fit all of him inside your tight, wet heat. He had to stop and catch his breath, convince his body that he really didn’t need to come right away.

“How do you feel?” he asked. His hands went and rubbed along your stomach; if he pressed, he was sure he’d be able to feel the head of his cock bulging against your skin.

“Full,” you responded immediately. “But...it doesn’t feel bad. Feels good.” You twitched unconsciously around him, body adapting to the intrusion, and he cursed softly under his breath. “You can um...move, I think. Please.”

Siebren rested his hands on your hips again as he began to pull out. Going in the second time was a lot easier than the first as your juices slicked his cock, and soon with each thrust he was bringing his hips flush with yours. 

“Okay?” he asked you, sliding a hand up to your chest. “Tell - tell me if it hurts, okay?”

You covered his roaming hand with your own, holding tight to his fingers. “Good, it’s good, please don’t stop - oh, Professor, please…” You were whining now, head lolled back against the desk as Siebren set a relentless pace. He was reaching spots inside you that you didn’t even know you had, and one particularly rough thrust had you on the edge of a scream, arms flying akimbo over your head, knocking over a collection of pens.

“Shh, shh,” Siebren urged, clapping a hand over your mouth. His hips never stilled, desk rocking slightly underneath you. “People can hear you, they can - oh fuck -” Siebren stifled a moan into the soft fabric of your stockings, hot breath warming the skin underneath. “You’re so tight, so tight, goed god -” He pulled his hand from your mouth to instead paw at your chest, pinching one pert nipple between his fingertips.

“Pro-professor,” you begged, reaching for him. Siebren dropped your legs from his shoulders and pulled you into his chest, shifting you until you were sitting on the edge of the desk. You peppered sloppy kisses along his cheekbone, searching for his mouth, and he gladly gave it to you. The kiss was hot and messy, an aching mess of teeth and tongues that brought warmth to your chest and heat to your groin

“Professor, please, please, I’m g-gonna -” You cut yourself off with a needy keen, clutching at his shoulders, desperately rutting into him.

“Going to come?” he offered. He snaked a hand down between your bodies and began rubbing your clit. “Come for me then, baby. Come for your professor.”

He felt you clench around him, and quickly he closed his mouth around yours, swallowing all of your little sounds as you came. He pulled out and quickly jerked into his fist, muffling a groan as his cum splattered your stomach and upper thighs. For a moment, you both merely rested together, panting in the afterglow.

“Here,” Siebren finally murmured, unwrapping your limbs from around him. “Lay back, and I’ll get you cleaned up.” He grabbed a half-empty bottle of water and a few napkins, and wet them down slightly. Your eyes followed his every move. 

“How do you feel?” he asked as he began wiping away the...evidence of your activities.

“Sleepy...and satisfied…” You jolted a little as the cool napkin touched your skin, soothed a second later by Siebren’s large hand. “But mostly tired.”

“No pain?”

“A little,” you admitted. “But that’s normal, right?”

He stopped, peering at you. “Is it sharp, stinging pain?”

You shook your head. “No, it kinda feels more like...like a sore muscle. I think it’s just ‘cause you’re too big.”

Siebren smirked, running his thumbs along your hipbones. “You’re just not used to me yet.” Without waiting for your reaction, he pulled away and tugged his pants on, leaving his shirt crumpled on the floor. Instead, he grabbed your discarded clothing. “Here, I’ll help you get dressed.”

Somehow, having him pull your panties on, sliding one stockinged foot into them at a time, felt more intimate than him bottoming out inside you. He insisted on helping you with every piece, which made you flush in gratitude, and only once you were fully dressed did he grab his own shirt.

Searching for something to do, you cleaned up the mess you had made of the pens on his desk, a thought suddenly occurring to you.

“Hey, you, um, you know your favorite pen? The one you always kept in your breastpocket?”

Of course he knew what pen you were talking about. It was one he used to grade all his papers and sign important documents. The ink flowed well and it didn’t smudge or bleed through. It was an excellent pen, but he had lost it about a month ago and hadn’t been able to find it since.

“Yes, what about it?”

“Well, uh…” You turned your gaze away, fingers playing with the hem of your skirt. “I um. Stole it and used it as...to...y’know. So please don’t think that this is one-sided at all! Or that you’re taking advantage of me, or that I don’t want this...because I do. I really, really do.”

A soft smile crossed his features, and Siebren leaned in close to kiss you sweetly. “Thanks, sterretje. You put this old man’s mind at ease.” He paused, thoughts backpedalling. “Wait, you used my pen for what?”

You flushed a brilliant red and laughed nervously.

Well, at least he knows where it went.

#.txt #sigma #siebren de kuiper #sigma x reader #overwatch #writing #gravity grandpa touches all of my kinks #he checks all my boxes #let me be self indulgent #also dont read this im gross lmfao #sigma's ethical dilemma of sleeping with a student can be summed up as follows: i have tenure its fine #btw the flashback of u working in his office? yeah u fell asleep and he walked u back to ur dorm #my biggest kink is dirty old men so uh #also i feel like his voice and characterization changes every time i write him #Why Can't I Be Consistent #also yes he's comin home and jerking it to u almost every night #ur welcome sinners #(its me. im sinners) #me to me: can u stop using - i dunno - hyphens???

[savrenim]

Hey mx savrenim its me again and I'm wondering: how you maintain tension in a story with characters with future vision? Especially in a story with no guaranteed future, where seers can ensure the best possible future for themselves

oooooh v v good question, once more under the cut

so there are a lot lot LOT of ways to do this that all depend on the tone that you want your story to go for, and Imma reference a few pieces of media that do this in various ways, but this is pretty much a subset of the question “how do you maintain tension in your story when your character is very overpowered”

1. Just very realistically explore that “in theory able to do things perfectly” and “in practice able to do things perfectly” are very very different things.  Another Faust by Daniel Nayeri had pretty much someone with Seer-like capabilities (namely, the ability to loop back I thiiiink as far as they wanted in time?) that they could use to make sure they always said the right thing, got the right answers on tests, etc etc, and it just.... didn’t work out for them perfectly. Because perfect knowledge didn’t fix everything. If you know how every single play is going to work idk in a baseball game, that gives you an edge, but it doesn’t actually mean you win the game unless you are good enough at baseball to hit that ball and run those bases

In that case, the more effective the Seer wants to be, the more they have to actually train the skills that they care about, so that they can carry out the actions physically that lead to their ideal future. And building physical skills is hard and takes work and practice, and anything you have to work to get better at to reach a goal is the starting point of tension. 

Also to continue the sports metaphor, having perfect knowledge of a baseball game and even being the best player in the world doesn’t guarantee you a win because you cannot play every single position, there are other people on the team who are going to be doing actions that at most can have secondhand versions of your knowledge. Trying to manage the human aspect leads to human error. So maybe there is tension because the Seer aggressively self-isolates so that Other People Will Not Fail Them and tension comes from interacting with other people they have extreme trust issues. Maybe the tension comes from them playing puppetmaster and trying to figure out which people they are willing to sacrifice for their goals, which people will fail them and which people they can and should hold onto, and from nobody really trusting them because everyone is well aware that the puppetmaster is willing to make sacrifices.

And finally -- just knowing the future doesn’t mean you can fix it. I don’t know about you, but even if I had perfect foreknowledge of the future, I would not be truly happy just personally thriving as idk rich and a famous mathematician and physicist and married to my fiance and maybe the books that I want to be published published and enough money to give to all my friends too and maybe can we have warp drives I want to go to space and inventing some solid if not immortality-tech then life-extension tech would be cool -- which, like, is everything I could personally wish for from life and more -- but in the world that we have? like, climate change SUCKS. fascism SUCKS. racism SUCKS. sexism and homophobia and poverty and class wars disguised as generational wars and all of the existing structures that reinforce all of these things SUCK. and even personally having perfect foreknowledge of the future enough to either start with or build up a bunch of political power and money, to try to change any of that would mean going against incredibly entrenched institutions that I honestly have no idea how effective one person could be at changing. Like if B*zos suddenly decided “wait let’s save the world and make a socialist utopia” do you actually think he would succeed? or even get very far? even applying every single resource he commands? or would he just.... lose a lot of his money and power trying to do that and then someone else becomes the richest person in the world who does want to maintain the system. because a lot of that power are things that do not exist, like stocks, it’s imaginary money that the moment you stop playing the game you get kicked out of the game and maybe you can make tiny changes but the game itself doesn’t stop

so baaaasically consider making your Seer a radical anarchist or at least someone who cares about tackling large-scale problems that one individual will never be able to solve, to play the “well if a very powerful individual had a single-minded focus on trying to fight these things could we at least get further than every single powerful person wanting to screw us over or just not caring?” game -- that creates tension because global problems can only be solved by global and communal actions, and one individual, no matter how perfectly they can see the future, cannot do that on their own

2. “Psychic powers don’t make you popular.” This is my obligatory “I just rewatched Mob Psycho 100 and am obsessed with it seriously consider watching it if you haven’t.” I know I keep bringing up MP100 but hear me out my favorite media is where the main character is stupidly overpowered so I don’t have to be stressed at all consuming it and MP100 maybe is the most touching but also well thought out and interestingly plotted version of that I’ve ever seen  But the basic premise of Mob Psycho 100 is that the main character, Mob, is a middle schooler with the most powerful psychic abilities in the world. The tension comes from: (1) Mob is not in total control over his powers and feels really really bad when he loses control and for example uses his powers against another person even in self-defense because that’s a Rule he made for himself that he really doesn’t want to cross ever. Which with a Seer, maybe you have a Seer that Cares Deeply About Other People’s Privacy, or who Cares Deeply About Having Real Relationships That They Do Not Manipulate, or who Cares Deeply About Their Achievements Being Their Own and so they don’t use their powers in everyday life out of moral considerations, except sometimes gods in stressful situations you just want everything to be okay so the tension of “do I fix this right now or is this crossing a line” drives your story. (2) because Mob isn’t using his powers in everyday life, while he is having these giant badass psychic battles with ghosts and evil psychics as a part-time job after school and yeah yeah you know he’s going to win, the tension and growth in the story comes from the gains that he is making in his personal life of, like, “oh he made a friend!!!!! oh he stood up for himself even though that’s really hard for him and he set a boundary!!!! oh he’s working really really hard towards his goal of being better at running!!!!! oh look he’s grown so much at episode 1 he didn’t talk to anyone his own age or have anything to do and now he’s doing things for himself!!!” Having your Seer take the ethics of not using seeing into the future to manipulate the people around them really really seriously, working very hard at tiny life things and then being a complete fucking badass that is putting down world-threatening threats as hobby that they kind of don’t view as that important in defining them as a person or defining their accomplishments or how they feel about themselves means that it doesn’t matter how overpowered they are in terms of their abilities, your audience will care and be invested in the tiny life accomplishments that they are working so hard to do on their own, and will be proud of their personal growth.

3. Blind Spots. Exactly what it sounds like, can your Seer really see everything? Perfectly? And if they do see everything do they know the exact effect that acting differently will cause? Or are they limited visions -- they only come at certain times, they only are about very specific things, the Seer cannot control when they happen, etc. The more specific and limited your visions are, the harder they have to actually work to figure out how to interpret them and best play the cards that they have, so maybe finding that perfect happy life isn’t actually all that easy. 

Alternatively, your Seer can only see the natural future, what would happen if they do not change their actions. If they change their actions, they can’t re-glimpse the new version, so it’s up to their best guess as to whether or not their plans to make things better will actually make things better. You can create a shit-ton of tension there if only because Plans Never Go Perfectly. Honestly at this point you’re just writing a slightly different version of those “MC is a Super Genius” books that instead of them making good plans because they are a Super Genius, it is good plans because they can see the future, I stand by childhood me that the first three Artemis Fowl books are great and honestly I’m pretty sure the plot wouldn’t really change too much if you added “Artemis can see what future would happen if he didn’t take any actions to interfere” and it would just be another interesting trait that was a part of his planning process.

And even if your Seer can see re-glimpse the new version, they are human. They have only a finite amount of time, and a finite amount of brain space. You don’t need to make the rules of Seer powers be that “they can see all of spacetime and all possibilities of the past and future perfectly all the time.” They can miss things by not thinking something is important and looking in a different direction. You can build up tension around they can only look into the future, not the past, they missed something, and now they don’t know what they missed and what to target to fix it. Or play the finite amount of time bit very hard: if they see the effects of deciding one particular course of action, it takes [x] time for the vision to complete, then they need to try to see the effects of one other particular course of action, and they can only effectively run a handful of simulations -- or even hundreds or thousands, but the answer is still a finite number of dear gods is nature chaotic / the butterfly effect is built into every single physics equation that there is that describes the world -- so tension comes from even if they can check that a plan is good, they still have to come up with a plan to change the future, and can only come up with so many plans in the time that they have. 

4. Existential Crisis. You made Seer powers “they can see all of spacetime and all possibilities of the past and future perfectly all the time.” idk I would find life terribly boring and have an existential crisis over that probably? of am I even human? does anything I do matter? does anyone else exist, really, since I can see and control every aspect of their lives? am I a god? how do I relate to anyone? how do I care about anything? 

In this setup, your main character would not be the Seer, it would be a person or group of people who are either trying to Save The World or Accomplish Something Important or even Accomplish Something Selfish who spend the story trying to befriend the Seer and get their help goddamnit because the moment the Seer is on their side, they win. and then the tension comes from the Seer keeps refusing but is ~slowly opening their heart~, jaded older mentor figure adopts tiny adorable hopeful child is the found family JAM and then your main character finally decides they aren’t getting the help and goes off and does the incredibly dangerous thing alone and the Seer realizes too late that oh nooo my tiny son is in danger and at just the last moment decides fuck it and leaps back into the game to try to help and save them and oh both the glorious drama and all the best tropes all of them seriously if you write this book ping me I’ll read it I’m a sucker for jaded old loner adopts Naive Hopeful Hero Who Is Going To Save The World Even If It Kills Them and jaded old loner just spends the entire time going “oh no. oh no tiny child. oh gods I’m coming out of retirement aren’t I. tiny child please. please have you considered just being chill so that I don’t have to come out of retirement” and then just. the SATISFACTION. when they come in at just the right moment and the tension leading up to it when you didn’t know if they were going to or not. it’s poetry.

This can also pretty easily be done without the Seer having godlike powers, just pretty strong powers-- have them have made their life perfect, found it empty, and fallen into a depressive fugue then use the above plot for the same effect. 

5. Make Them Your Villain. The final way of dealing with making tension and having an overpowered character is, uh..... it’s only no tension when your protagonist doesn’t need to struggle to reach their goals. if the antagonist is walking down easy street that only makes things all the more stressful because how do you beat that? and that is all of the tension in your book: figuring it out.

a subgenre of this is Seer v Seer: the best possible future for one Seer is not necessarily the best possible future for another Seer, so if you have multiple Seers, Seers clashing against other Seers that have the same powers which means their powers aren’t necessarily an advantage is a shit-ton of tension. That is.... pretty much the plot of trash novel? So I’d rather not go into detail about how I personally am doing it, but anytime people who have the same abilities fight, they’re on equal ground, you don’t know who is going to win, so boom, tension.

6. Seers are illegal/ kidnapped by the government the moment they are discovered to work for the government only/ targeted for kidnapping by all sorts of powerful groups, so your Seers need to aggressively hide their powers and the more they use them to make their life perfect, the more in danger they are; even if they can use their abilities to avoid ever being captured, they will be on the run their entire lives if they get found out.

#writing advice #there are also a shit ton of combinations of these that you can do #like 2 combines with 4 very easily -- an extremely powerful seer doesnt want to use their powers it crosses a line #vs people trying to convince them to (which also happens in mp100 a bunch) #the latter half of 1 and 5 go together well -- changing global power systems and creating more equality is hard because some Seers benefit #from the existing systems and so don't want them to change #check out gay murder elf bachelorette book 2 of wolves and ravens for a combo of 5 and 3 #it's in my writing tab #and these are just the first six things that came to mind there are so many you can do #there's the typical curse of cassandra bit of 'a perfect seer but no one believes them so getting people to listen is hard #there can even be quasi silly modern versions of that like 'seer visions are not evidence for court so your PI/lawyer Seer needs to figure #out ways to leverage their visions into things that are publicly acceptable proof for what they want' #or scientists who can't just present results bc they saw the results are correct who need to reverse engineer how to get there #.......actually that's just a physicist who am I kidding #anyways yeah that's my advice I guess #I find it really really amusing that I am apparently the seer expert like this is just a plot device that I think is cool #the answers above are just kind of what I'd do

[dicecast]

The Problem with Thanos Part 1

(Note I wrote this after Infinity Wars but before Endgame) 

So I have some very complicated feelings about Thanos, and this isn’t helped by the fact that he is the first majorly popular villain from the most popular media franchise in history, so the pressure is on in regards to him.  So I feel compelled to have a few disclaimers off the bat.  

Firstly, yes, Thanos deserves his title as the best Marvel villain, though that isn’t saying much (I’m not really counting Loki cause by this point he is as much an anti-hero rather than a full antagonist) and his presence basically made Infinity Wars the one of better overall marvel movie thus far.  He is a good character, a good actor, and a good villain.  So calm down fans, I’m not saying Thanos himself is bad

Secondly, I don’t think anybody is bad for liking the character, Infinity Wars is a fine movie, you aren’t bad, don’t get defensive of your big purple mass murderer ok children?

Third, and most importantly, the actual dynamics of the character….aren’t bad.  At least they aren’t bad necessarily.  Everything about Thanos works, if you give Marvel a lot more credit than they deserve.  But 

Ok so for those who have managed to avoid the marvel franchise, let me just say, good life choice, keep it up, but here is the beat.

Thanos is an alien Titan Demigod thing who realizes that as life expands across the universe, we are using up the natural resources.   So, like the world’s most ambitious Druid, he proposes to solve the problem of overpopulation in the most literal way possible.  To wit he wants to get all the Infinity Stones, basically these all powerful magical items, and wipe out 50% of the universe’s population with a snap of his fingers.  The heroes attempt to defeat him and…they fail.  He snaps his fingers, 50% of everyone in the universe dies, movie over, sucks to be you. Literally 50% of everybody just turns to dust, including fucking baby Face Spider Man.  

(wait....)

Which was a pretty shocking ending, well played Disney.   I really do think the final death sequence was the most impressive overall sequence in any of the marvel movies.   Unlike most Marvel villain, he has a clear motive, distinct personality, and is actually you know…a challenge for the protagonists, and as I said, he is a good character. Cause he had like feelings and shit.  But I see a lot of people talking about Thanos like he is the real hero or he has some reasonable points or he is an anti-hero and…no he really isn’t. He isn’t just evil cause he wants to kill trillions of people, he is also objectively wrong about pretty much everything.  

     Now this isn’t actually a bad thing.  THanos is the villain, I’m ok with the villain being flawed, I mean that is kind of the point.  In fact what makes Thanos a good character (maybe, kinda, sort of, its complicated) is the fact that he is the exact type of person who would fall for this reductive thinking, because his greatest personal flaw is his inflexibility, so again his following a wrong value system makes sense 

 What makes Thanos interesting is that he is an extremely proud person who doesn’t have the normal conventions of pride, in that he really isn’t making it all about him.  Thanos genuinely isn’t a glory hound, he doesn’t want attention, he isn’t seeking recognition, he doesn’t want glory or fame and seems to be pretty happy living as melon farmer. Its more the arrogance of thinking he knows the answer everybody else doesn’t rather than wanting something actively from others.  Which is at least the foundations for an interesting character. Thanos’ perception of self is one of the guy who makes the necessary sacrifices so others won’t have too, he is the guy who stoically dirties his own hands on behalf of the collective good.  Basically is the moral equivalent of the humblebrag, he doesn’t ask for praise or glorify himself directly, but it is a core part of who he is, like the most passive aggressive utilitarian. 

 And because he firmly believes he knows exactly how things should be done and what steps ought to be taken, he is utterly without imagination. He basically is like ‘oh this is how the thing needs to be done’ and does it, it never occurs to him to challenge his preexisting perceptions or think outside the box.  Which is why, when he has a know, Infinity Stones he sticks to the 50% mass death plan rather than…I don’t know…use the infinity stones.

Sorry, maybe I didn’t empathizes that enough

Thanos wants to solve a problem of limited resources with…infinity stones. Seriously do you not see a problem of imagination here?  

And again, all of that would be fine, if this was on purpose, again Thanos is the Villain and villains being wrong  The problem is how the movie frames it, specifically as a moral issue.

Cause they seem to think this is an ethical debate, throughout the movie, the protagonists present the argument as one of morality.

“Oh no, Thanos, don’t kill 50% of the universe that would be wrong”, which of course Thanos doesn’t respond to.  The dynamic being presented here is ‘idealistic good guys’ vs. ‘practical bad guy’ but that is just the absolute wrong argument to make.

          But the argument that should be made is “Oh no Thanos don’t kill 50% of the universe, that is a horribly ineffectively and ultimately flawed way to solve the problem of overpopulation and limited resources”.  Cause like…this isn’t a moral debate, it’s a basic practical debate. Why bother arguing about the merits of utilitarian morality when the act in question isn’t even utilitarian, it’s just dumb.  The movie presents this as “efficiency vs. morality” but in practice is actually “flawed methodology vs. a ,theory which isn’t fundamentally stupid.”  Cause guess what people, murdering 50% of all life in an instance doesn’t actually fix limited resources, especially when many of those living things are resources.  

      This is a horrible way to solve the problem of overpopulation.  Even ignoring the whole “Infinity” thing, killing 50% of the population simply doesn’t work because

1) Its utterly clumsy. See actual conservationists have to be extremely careful about population control, because reducing biodiversity risks weakening the overall eco system.  The universe losing half its population would cause a massive shock to every ecosystem simultaneously, causing further damage which actually would make things worse.  

2) While overpopulation is a problem, it isn’t really the major problem in terms of the environment, over consumption is a much larger issue. If you killed 50% of America, most of that would be India and China, but the US consumes far more resources than your population numbers would suggest.   And the largest environmental issue on our planet, namely the whole “We are all going to die of Climate change bit” is actually not a population issue or even a resource issue so much as a “the world is literally getting hotter” issue,  reduce the population all you want that doesn’t really reduce our Carbon foot print as long as we still use fossil fuels.   If the earth had only 3 billion people, but all of those people lived in first world countries, we would still be facing the problem of climate change.  

3) You will have to do it again in a few centuries anyways, remember its more than 50%, cause you have the inevitable deaths caused when planes don’t have pilots, doctors cease to exist, infants who die due to abandonment, and the panic as society changes in the blink of an eye, which risks war and worse, which doesn’t just reduce the population it also cause more environmental damage.  Which impedes you know…actual conservationist efforts.  Its not like anybody learns their lesion from this, unless Thanos plans to make himself immortal, he is going to have to do this on a regular basis.  Its like trying to solve the Baltimore crime issues by nuking the Eastern Seaboard, it doesn’t work.  And what is depressing is that I know some people in the comments will totally try advocating that.

See its not actually “Idealistic vs practical” its “Practical vs. impartial” or rather ‘simple vs. complicated”.  Thanos is faced with a complicated nuanced multi-dimensional problem and his solution to it is the most literal minded simplistic one imaginable, snapping his fingers and hoping that somehow works.  And you hear certain people (douchbags) advocate this sort of thing all the time, presenting ‘simple solutions that people would do if they only had the guts” like

“IF you want to solve homelessness, just kill them all”

“If you want to solve terrorism, just nuke the middle east”

“IF you want to solve immigration, just build a wall”

See these solutions aren’t just ethically wrong they…don’t work. And it imagines a narrative that our leaders aren’t doing these things because they are pussies rather than because the problems actually aren’t easily solve.  Trust me if there was a simple and unethical way to solve any of the world problems, our leaders would have done so by now.  

(Look politics)

Which again, isn’t necessarily bad, again, Thanos is the bad guy and he is the exact type of person who is going to think the problem with the world is that nobody is strong willed enough to solve the simple problem rather than you know..research the issue. But that isn’t actually the problem.  The Problem is a 19th century pseudo scientist named Thomas Malthus

Thomas Malthus was an English Victor (imagine a Catholic priest bit without the dignity) who noticed that when it came to rabbits, once their natural predators went extinct, they population exploded, they overconsumed the resources around them and then they were left without any population.  Malthus theorized that as war, famine and pestilence decreased, the human population grew and resources would grow scarce and then we would all die.  Thus we need to have some degree of hardship to keep the population in check.  Because humans can double their population every 20 years, we are all screwed, which is what he calls the “Cycle of Misery”.  And this theory is…entirely wrong.

(Absolutely full of shit) 

To quote John Greene 

“And what is amazing about the persistence of this theory is its complete lack of connection to actual human history”.  Thomas Malthus hasn’t just been debunked, he was debunked in his own life time.  Cause in reality, population does grow as industrialization reduces infant mortality and disease, but then it goes down once the standard of living raises to a certain rate.  As people get a better standard of living, they get a greater choice in having kids, how many kids they want and how frequently they wish to have them, to say nothing about increased access to contraceptives and sex education.  Which is why Western Europe has a lower birthrate than India.  The over population problem of the modern world not because life in undevolped countries isn’t hard enough, its because it is too hard, people in bad circumstances have more kids, better educated people living comfortable lives have less kids, which is why assuming we don’t all die from climate change, the population will eventually start to decrease over time.  See Thomas Malthus’s theories played a major role in the English response to the Irish Potato Famine, and the man most responsible for the suffering Charles Trevelyan, justified much of his policies by saying he was preventing a future cycle of misery.  That the Famine was not the fault of poor English economic planning or the long standing poverty of Ireland, or you know…everything else about the English occupation, but was instead the Irish’ fault for having more kids, and the Famine was a good thing for keeping the population down to reasonable levels.  To quote Trevelyan

“The judgement of god sent the calamity to teach the Irish a lesson and that Calamity must not be too much mitigated…the real evil with which we have to contend is not the physical evil of the famine, but the moral evil of the selfish, perverse, and turbulent character of the people”

1.5 million Irish people died as a result of this policy and another million emigrated to America, and Ireland is still pretty pissed off about it to this day.  See Malthius thought the world population boom was a very recent thing, when in fact that has been a constant in human history, and with the exception of the Black Death, no amount of hardship has every reduce human population growth. 

Thanos is drawing on Malthusian theories and it just…isn’t a good theory, it wasn’t then and it wasn’t now (and yes I know it did jump start a lot of other much more valid theories, here is your token acknowledgment of the good Malthus did here, I hope it was worth 1.5 million people).  It’s a theory which sounds good but doesn’t really work in reality, because you know…the world is complicated, and a tiny amount of land can grow more than enough food to feed everybody on the planet. We have right now, the capacity to make the entire planet run on renewable energy and end starvation, it’s actually utilizing what we have which is the problem, one that doesn’t have a simple solution.  

And I have to reiterate this again, none of this is necessarily a bad thing, Thanos is after all the  villain, having a villain who is inspired by Malthusian ideology makes sense, after all its something the heroes of the movies can oppose and overcome, you know like in a story.  And not only is Thanos a realistic depiction of the exact type of person who would take Malthusian theory seriously, he also is a nuanced complicated and interesting character in his own right.  All of this would be perfectly fine except…lets be honest, Disney isn’t actually going to refute Malthusian economics.  Maybe the next movie will surprise me, but what is most likely going to happen is that the heroes will use the power of love, friendship or just general idealism to basically argue that “The ends don’t’ justify the means” and defeat Thanos by punching him really hard in his big purple face.  And while yes, the ends don’t necessarily justify the means, that isn’t the argument worth having here, because guess what?  You don’t need to, weather or not the ends justify the means is ultimately irrelevant because…the ends don’t even work in the first place.  

I see a lot of people walking away from Infinity Wars acting like this is a complicated issue when it really isn’t, and that gets to why Malthusian economics conintune to be believed when they really aren’t true.  To again quote John Greene “I think there is a very seductive logic to the idea that resources, especially food is finite.”  And this movie contributes to a very false understanding to population and resources, and it’s the worse form of a false understanding, not that presents itself as wise (See also the Population Bomb).  Again, despite having far more people on earth today than we did 500 years ago, fewer people will die of starvation this year than any other period in human life, and that isn’t by %, that is the total number. Human existence is not a zero sum game, it is possible for me to have my life improved and yours as well, this all or nothing mentality Thanos advocates presents itself as selfishness but instead it is simply diluted.

This is not even getting into the other nonsense regarding population numbers which we will cover next time, or Why Thanos not being a racist makes his character weaker.  

#Artsy Thoughts #Thanos #MCU #Marvel movies #Superhero Movies #Infinity Wars #snapcode #Thomas Malthus #irish potato famine #Overpopulation #Population control #Population Bomb #Fatal Flaw #Villains #Racism #Great Replacement #One Child Policy #Climate Change #Environmentalism #Tony Stark #Avengers #avengers infinity war #avengers infinity spoilers #Avengers Endgame #Endgame #Pseudo Science #The Problem with Thanos #Infinity Stones #Infinity Gauntlet #charles trevelyan

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 032: Round 1 Brackets

Previously on BnHA: Shouto told Deku about his tragic past of being abused by his shitty parents. Unbeknownst to them, Kacchan was secretly listening in. Shouto basically figured out that All Might is Deku’s dad, but let it slide. Deku declared war on Shouto, but this being a shounen manga, it actually just means they’re friends for life now. Endeavor was cancelled. Mineta was cancelled, again. The final event of the festival was announced, and it’s a good old-fashioned tournament bracket, so I am loving life right now.

Today on BnHA: Ojiro and another dude drop out of the tournament due to having been mind-controlled by Shinsou in the previous round. The round one matchups are announced. Deku finds himself facing off with Shinsou right off the bat. Ojiro warns Deku not to do anything stupid and get himself mind-controlled. The match begins. Deku immediately does something stupid and gets himself mind-controlled.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 68 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

I should be in bed but here I am!! come to see who’s paired up against whom for round one of the tournament!

Ojiro, I think I’ve been misspelling your name as “Ojuro” on several occasions. good thing I don’t think I’ve posted any of those recaps yet lol

(ETA: I had indeed misspelled it, and I went back and changed them all, so basically I almost got away with it, and now here I am calling my own self out. smh)

look at Ojiro and his solid beefy tail

there’s not really much to this guy so far

I can’t believe he made it to the third event honestly

he has problems with sitting. sucks, my friend

on to the chapter!

...am I to understand that we were this close to having everyone fight each other with foam swords, then?

I can’t fucking believe all we got was a stupid tournament

THE MATCHES WILL BE DECIDED BY ~RANDOM LOTS~ ONCE AGAIN

all I know is that Shouto will make it to the finals and fight either Kacchan or Deku, probably Deku

disclaimer: I don’t actually know, I’m just running my mouth

do we really have to sit through some other random activity before the main event

OH!!! TWIST!!!

Ojiro is dropping out?? why

GASP

he says he doesn’t remember anything about the cavalry battle at all. fucking knew it. MIND CONTROL

so he feels like he didn’t earn his place

in reality his quirk is just too boring to make for an interesting one-on-one fight. he’s better suited to background action. no offense Ojiro, I’m just being 100% real here, son

the girls are trying to convince him to stick around, but he says it’s a matter of pride. eh, if it were me I’d stay in the game and try to get back at the mind control guy during the tournament, but eh. he seems kind of shaken up, honestly, so maybe this is better for him in the end.

aww. Ojiro. looks like you need a hug, buddy. why does everyone in this fucking arc need a hug

just to keep things even, this little roly poly from class B is withdrawing too

godspeed, little man

Midnight’s like, eh whatever

doesn’t this fuck up the brackets, though? now they have 7 and 7. does someone get a bye in round one then? I guess they can determine that with the random lots too. hopefully whoever gets the byes won’t suddenly get all noble like these two idiots

oh, we’re not going to do byes but we’re going to replace the two that didn’t make it

YEAH GIVE IT TO STEEL RYOHEI AND POISON IVY

WOOHOO. SORRY OJIRO BUT THIS IS MUCH BETTER

TIME TO SCAN THE BRACKETS TO FIND MY SONS

BAKUGOU’S FIGHTING OCHAKO??? NOOOOOOOOOO

fuck this means one of my favorites will be eliminated right off the bat

lmao Kiri and Tetsu got matched up right from the get go

damn, Momo has to go up against Tokoyami. that one’s gonna be good

no idea who Aoyama is fighting

(ETA: lmao it was Mina. for some reason I hadn’t processed her last name)

Iida’s going up against Mei. good luck Iida

Kami vs Shiozaki... I think that must be the Poison Ivy chick? interesting

Todoroki vs Sero... nice knowing you Sero

and lastly... DEKU VS MIND CONTROL MAN

oh my god. can we, uh. just skip ahead to that one. !!!!!

also, Deku and Todoroki out here fucking up my predictions right from the start. the two of you had to be in the same bracket half. just had to be

wonder who’ll end up winning it all and facing off against my girl Ochako :’D

lol I can dream

this guy has “future villain” written all over him tbh

(ETA: I should just stop assuming that new characters are going to be villains. I don’t think I’ve been right about a single one yet.)

I assume the only reason he didn’t make it into the hero course is because he couldn’t use his mind control against the robots. sure, he could have possessed his fellow examinees instead, but they probably would have retained any points that they “earned” under his control

I wonder if the bags under his eyes are just a character design thing or if they actually reflect something about his character/personality/quirk. like is he an insomniac or something

he must have to do something in order to control people, right? maybe don’t let him touch you at any point, Deku

Ojiro’s warning him not to talk to him. I wonder if it’s less mind control and more hypnosis, in which case maybe if Deku blocks his ears or something... idk

lmao Bakugou literally has no idea who he’s fighting

Ochako knows though, oh damn

I believe in you!!  but be careful though orz

“are you Iida?” “indeed I am Iida.” take it easy on this middle aged bloke, okay Mei

oh good, we’re skipping all of this

hopefully even the anime will skip it, since BnHA doesn’t seem to believe in fillers and time-wasting!

LOOK AT IIDA CHUG THAT OJ

GET THAT VITAMIN C BOI

also Ojiro appears to be talking to Deku, and Deku looks like he’s mildly freaking out. is he freaking out because OH NO TOURNAMENT, or because Ojiro is telling him what Shinsou can do? given how well he’s managed with the first two events, I’m guessing it’s the latter, or else he wouldn’t be looking so disturbed

okay I actually do like this picture of the girls cheerleading though

just because Hagakure, Mina, and Ochako look really into it, and Momo and Jirou are just like, blargh. and Tsuyu is an enigma to me

TOURNAMENT TIME

Cementoss is building the ring for them all!

wow it looks really good

I wouldn’t quite say they’ve been through “hell”... actually it was a lot less hellish than I thought it would be

is Deku in the first round? I guess they go from left to right

ALL MIGHT CAME TO GIVE HIM A PEP TALK YAAAAAY

he’s giving Deku a thumbs up and says he’s finally getting the hang of One for All

Deku says he still has trouble controlling it and it makes him nervous, like one false step could still fuck him up

well good. narratively, I like this level of control. it keeps each move risky, but also doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll end up incapacitated at the drop of a hat

wow. All Might says that right now Deku can only handle 5 percent of One for All’s true power

you know we’re getting into some real shounen shit when we start talking about power percentages

Deku says he’s just gotten lucky with everything so far, and All Might’s response may just be his most dadlike behavior yet

I love it. the awkward pat on the back (head? shoulder?). the affectionate nickname. and the genuine compliment, because you know All Might admires the shit out of Deku’s hard work ethic

and he’s telling him to smile, especially when he’s feeling nervous or scared. because you’re a big damn hero, Deku! you got this my man!

here we goooooo

not even Present Mic the mighty chatterbox can think of anything to say about Shinsou. bang-up observation about Izuku’s weird face, though

so now the question is, does Deku know about Shinsou’s quirk or not?

typical tournament rules: knock your opponent out of the ring, immobilize them, or make them cry uncle

yikes, they’ve got Recovery Girl on standby for this one. well at least they’re taking things seriously. but that means shit’s about to get lit the fuck up

“fight dirty if you must” how fucking heroic. I guess that’s the part where they test everyone’s willingness to get into the nitty-gritty huh

although they do say that going for the kill is frowned upon, and Cementoss will supposedly stop you (uh huh. just like All Might was going to “stop” Bakugou in chapters 9 and 10, I assume)

oh shit. this means Shinsou can win just by making Deku say that he quits... I think that’s what this is hinting at:

(ETA: I actually don’t know why he didn’t just have Deku say “I give up” rather than making him walk out of the ring. maybe he can’t control speech? but at any rate, on my reread I realized just how sneaky Shinsou is being here by trying to get Deku to answer him before the match has even started.)

Deku he called poor Ojiro a monkey. punch him in the face please

Deku’s making a face at that

and he’s charging in!!

-- uh oh

WHAT’S FUCKING HAPPENING DAMMIT

and Ojiro’s saying that he warned him

shit. Deku looks like he’s completely under his control already

aaaaaand the chapter ends

well shit

BONUS:

this girl looks exactly like Matsuoka Gou from Free!. it’s fucking uncanny

like I seriously want to get a picture and compare them side by side

you know what, never mind though, because while I was combing through google image search for a good pic, I kept getting distracted by pictures of Rin. why is he so pretty

what the hell was I doing again

oh yeah

anyways so Kendou here is apparently the class representative from class B. good for you girl. I wonder what her quirk is

there’s not much else to her aside from her being a motorcycle-loving coffee-drinking class rep who looks like Gou lol

but I hope we’ll get to see more of her

#bnha #boku no hero academia #makeste reads bnha #ojiro mashirao #midoriya izuku #all might #shinsou hitoshi #after rereading this chapter I have to say #iida and the oj may honestly be my favorite part of the whole thing #I don't know what it is about that panel but it just delights me

[rheyareads]

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately.

Losing someone so special to me has left this void of space in my soul and I spend a lot of time wondering if she knew just how much I loved and admired her. The more that I think about things, the more I realize that I have spent my life trying to become a person she would be proud of. I looked up to her so much more than I think I was even aware of myself, and I wanted to be someone kind and inherently as good as she was herself.

Now that she’s gone, I just think of all the things I’ll never get to tell her and that has me thinking of the other relationships in my life. So often we leave feelings unsaid and assume people know how we feel about them, so I’ve been trying to be better about saying how I feel in the moment and using the time I have to make sure people know that I care and admire them.

Reflecting on that, I come back to relationships in my life and the way that they have shaped me. Ultimately, our time here on earth is meant for relationship building and we are inherently shaped by everyone we encounter. Some harden our hearts, some brighten our minds, some enliven our souls, and some can even leave us damaged. It’s a scary idea because it’s something we can’t control beyond a certain extent – we can walk away from toxic relationships, but we also open ourselves up in this vulnerable position whenever we let someone new into our lives.

In thinking on that, I wanted this blog post to be about some of my most significant friendships that have shaped me. It’s hard to find an appropriate time or place to really tell people how you feel so I thought this would be a good space to do that. I think it’s important for me to be authentic when I’m feeling depressed, but it’s just as important to be authentic when I’m not. In moments where I’m thinking rationally, I want people to understand that I’m capable of understanding the depth of love and connection I have in this world. The problem is that depression confuses all of that and sometimes makes it impossible to sink in when you’re feeling hopeless and alone.

I’m going to group these into categories and then freely discuss. Full disclosure – when feelings are involved, I’m a lengthy narrator so this could get long.

  Your Work Friends Sometimes I think your work friends are actually your closest friends. These are the people who see you every single day. They go through the same daily grind as you and share a common struggle. What’s great about work friends is that they’re not people you would always seek out to form a connection with, so you get benefits from them that you don’t get with those who share similar interests with you. These people can be from totally different backgrounds or age ranges and offer so many differing perspectives that spice up the everyday mundane drone of the work week. They’re the only reason you even get through work, half the time. They’re the reason leaving even the crappiest of jobs can sometimes be heartbreaking. They’re the friends who save your every-day monotony and give you reasons to laugh throughout the week.

NYC with Katiuzca

Homecoming King Ben

If you look closely you can see “Kayla Sucks” on this cup

I love work friends. Work friends sometimes become some of the best friends in my life and I always appreciate the laughter they bring to my life. I have had A LOT OF JOBS in my lifetime and even though some of them weren’t the most exciting or glamorous jobs in the world, I was always happy at work because I had them there to laugh with or complain to. These are my work-week heroes who listen to crazy stories, celebrate birthdays and milestones, cover you when you’re sick or experiencing tragedies and are there for you when they really don’t have to be at all.

I don’t think work friends get enough credit on the friend spectrum but they’re some of the greatest people in the world and they are incredibly influential on your life. I’ve had some amazing work friends that I’m really happy became regular life friends as well because I can’t imagine my life without them. Some of my best stories, best laughs, and best memories come from my relationships with people at work.

These friendships have really shaped my work ethic. They help me to be a better driven person professionally by pushing me through the tough spots but they also have helped me to have a better understanding of relationships in general by exposing me to people I wouldn’t normally pursue a connection with.

Pure Friend I think everyone in life has a friend who is literally so pure they are just the most precious gem in your friend treasure trove. If you don’t have one, then I hope and pray you find yours soon! I don’t mean pure in the sense that they are reserved or sheltered from the world in a white coat never swearing or uttering a bad thing – I mean pure as in just honestly the best. Fucking. Person. Period. Like, you don’t have a bad thing to say about them because they are just who they are and who they are is dope as hell and you are so thankful they stumbled into your life. You might not be super close with this person, but you never have a bad time with them and you’re always happy to see them when you do.

  For me, this is my friend Joe. I have a lot of negative feelings towards my time at Brockport and the way my career ended there, but I would do it all over again if I had to pick between that and never meeting Joe. He is the friend that can keep up with your crazy, understands your confusing thoughts, laughs at EVERY JOKE before you even say, and just straight up genuinely makes the world a better place. He also bakes, which is the best, because you reap the benefits of his hobbies in the form of treats. The granola to my Sponge, the struggle to my bus, the ying to my yang – this is a friendship that I treasure and brings me nothing but utter happiness. Joe and I could talk about serious issues in the political climate and seamlessly (maybe not seamlessly but very confusingly, over the course of six unrelated stories) transition into a conversation about the meaning behind a dream about a fish tank and not skip a beat. I just always felt understood with him and there was never any hiding who I was or fear of judgment – just laughter and food and drinks and procrastination and all the pranks.

  This friendship shaped my ability to believe there is good in this world despite all the messed-up shit you see every day. Things don’t have to be dramatic or complicated – they can just be good.

Side note – bonus points if this friend comes with the cutest puppy in the world who becomes your self-appointed God-Child/Nephew.

    The Unexpected Friend This is the friend you didn’t expect to become an important part of your life. I think this friend is special in a way that the others aren’t able to be, because this isn’t a friendship that really “should have happened’ in whatever way that works out for you. You meet a lot of people and it’s obvious some are just meant to be in your life, but then there are those who you meet in certain categories and you never expect to walk away one day having them be someone you care so deeply about.

My friend Sarah falls into this category. Aside from the fact that I actually thought she despised me the day we met; she was never someone I would have thought I’d still be spending time with on a regular basis with years later. In our case, she’s younger than I am, and I was her boss, but it was early on when I realized we shared the same old soul. What I appreciate most about our friendship is the fact that there’s still a mentor/mentee vibe that lingers underneath where I’m able to be someone to offer insight into situations I’ve experienced because I’m a little older. It’s nice to have someone who trusts you as that kind of person and it’s nice to be needed in that way.

This friendship helped me understand that relationships don’t have to make sense all the time. I don’t know why someone who’s 6 years younger than me wants to hang out with me and my friends – but does there really need to be a reason?

Your Soulmate Soulmate is a complicated word and I think people define this differently. For me, this is the friend that was meant to be yours and completes you in a way other people can’t. This is someone who lifts you up, inspires you and makes you want to be a better person because their light brings out your best light.

My little is my soulmate and will always be my most precious jewel. It was evident in our first conversation with each other that we were meant to be together. I have never been so inspired by a person’s soul as I have by hers. She is kind, determined, unbelievably talented, and the most genuinely good person I have met. She is my little sister, but she is also the person I look up to. The person who makes me want to be better, to do better, to strive for better than I have. I look at her accomplishments and I am so proud of the woman she is.

We may not live together anymore, and we may not get our daily naps or cuddle sessions, but she is a person I know will always hold a special place in my heart above the rest. The fact that she married one of my high school friends (more to come) just brings out my hopeless romantic who believes in true love and fairytales and rainbows and everything that books and movies say can be true.

This friendship healed my heart. My little knew me during one of the worst times of my life, when I was an actual train wreck and she loved me through it all. She believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself and gave me hope. She healed the hurt I had from friends who taught me that friendship came with conditions by loving me without any.

    Your Second Family This is the family who adopts you as one of their own. These relationships are precious because they extend beyond the friend that brought you in – you share dinners, and holidays, and celebrations, and late-night talks, vacations and kitchen hangouts together. They roast you in the family group chat, or ask you to dinner on a week night. These are the people who will sit and talk with you for hours in a kitchen in your pajamas or make fun of you for snoring in your sleep. They’re your family and you’re a part of theirs and it’s a really special thing.

  Admittedly, I’ve always been that friend who likes to talk to people’s parents. I’m not sure why, I just always gravitate towards adults (I say that as a 29 year old like I’m not an adult myself). But when Danielle and I became close, it was a package deal with her family. I remember being utterly terrified of her dad the first day he met and accused me of trying to steal his guns (hahahaha) but from that day forward I was just part of the family.

These relationships are special to me because I have a lot of baggage when it comes to family. My family has had a lot of ups and downs and I’ve endured some crappy things (and some awesome things too, don’t get me wrong) and the Freeman Forest was this home away from home safe-haven for me. To know you have people who love you, when they don’t have to, is such a special thing and it heals a lot of the damage you may have picked up over the years. Group chats, and bus trips, outdoor adventures (and disasters), dinners and just hanging out in the kitchen are things you probably do with your friends all the time. These things were ordinary, but they were my favorite things to do for so long because of the people I was doing them with.

This family means so much to me in so many ways. You don’t have to like your kids friends or your siblings friends – that’s why we all go out and get friends because we’re all different – so when your friends with someone and their family chooses to care about you and include you in their lives as well, it’s a really powerful and beautiful thing. I’m really lucky to have a group of people who took care of me like I was one of their own.

The Family Friends These are the family members in your life who are more than that. They’re your best friends and bridge the gap between two parts of your world. Cousins, sisters, aunts – these are people you were born into a relationship with but choose to deepen that connection outside of just family functions.

     I’m really lucky to have two cousins who have been more like friends to me my whole life. Allie and Jenny have both brought me so many moments of laughter and have been the sanity I needed to get through crazy family parties, funerals, celebrations and everything in between. I would actually be lost without both of them and I’m grateful that we get to spend more time together because we choose to be more than just family by being friends as well.

Your High School Friends These are probably some of your most complicated and yet simple relationships. That sounds contradictory but hear me out. These are the friends who’ve known you so long they have seen you through practically everything. They were there for the bad fashion decisions of your past, they were there through your awkward stages, your firsts of practically everything and you’ve grown up together. That much time complicates a lot of things – relationships have highs and lows, people grow apart, move far away or change and there’s a lot of room for negativity to creep in if you’re not careful. It’s hard to maintain these friendships but you do it anyway. The simplicity of it all is that no matter the time or distance, these are the people make you feel at home.

For me, its likely surprising to no one that these friends are “the boys” as I often refer to them. Looking back on our younger days, it’s sometimes really, really….REALLY hard to see why I even called them friends in high school but I promise you the deeper impact of our friendship makes the teasing and nicknames worth it. When I think about people who’ve shaped my life, these guys have a significant place in my emotional DNA.

It’s hard to change your identity when you’ve known someone since you were a kid. Sometimes I think the friendship I have with these guys clouds my ability to see myself as anything other than the annoying girl they made fun of in high-school because that’s how I’m used to defining myself. It’s hard to grow and become something better when you have a lot of people in your life who have seen you through that growth period and treated you a certain way. They have broken my heart in more ways than I can count, but they’ve also seen me at my absolute lowest points and stuck by me despite everything. When you grow up with people, you have to accept that you’ve probably hurt each other at certain points through that growth and that’s why I love them despite some of the not-so-picturesque parts of our past. As with all groups, there are some I have stayed closer to than others, but I can’t tell you how much joy these idiots bring to my heart when we’re all together. Seeing them grow up and accomplish things, get married and thinking of them starting families literally overwhelms my heart.

For me, these are the people who influenced how I viewed love and shaped me into the hopeless romantic who wants to believe that everything can have a happy ending. Most people don’t get to have friends from elementary school and still talk by the time they get married, but I do. That idea of perfection has been toxic for me at times, but it also brings joy to my heart and reminds of the good in this world.

  Your College Friends These are the friends who will never judge you because they have gone through the weirdest shit with you. (They’re actually probably judging you hardcore, but in a loving way because they’ve been there too.) These are the friends who were there for the transition years – the years where you weren’t quite an adult yet so you could afford to make horrible decisions and spend the next morning huddled together on a bed laughing and wondering how you were still alive. These are special friendships because it’s likely that they’ve seen you through horrible times that deepened your connection, but they also were there to have the best fucking time with you when you needed it.

For me, these are my sorority sisters and fraternity brothers. When you’re in college, everything is this heightened, dramatic experience but when you leave you realize just how lucky you are to have lived with 9 people and have room sleepovers, spontaneous parties, nights in playing just-dance, endless movie marathons on break and every party in between where someone did something insane. When I look back, I just remember all the laughter and fun (and some of the drama) and I’m so lucky to find people I know I can count on for my whole life.

People judge this era of my life – and for good reason, I was a disaster in college – but my sisters were there for me at my brother’s funeral to support me when he died even though we had only known each other a few months at that time. My roommate held me the night he died and let me cry until I fell asleep. I drove to be with her when her mom died. I’ve celebrated, and cried, and everything in between with these girls and they’ve never missed a beat if I needed someone to lift me up. My last blog post was intense and the first 10 people to comment on it and offer encouragement, love and support were these women who haven’t seen or talked to me in months/years.

I look back on this time in my life and it brings so much laughter to my soul. From parties, to fundraising for Push for America, to standards board, to life in a disgusting house filled with the best and worst people to live with (depending on whether or not you wanted to work the next day or eat your own frozen food items) these are friends I’m so thankful to have. These are the friends who shaped me through the most difficult time of my life. They are the ones who let me re-define myself, for better or worse, and still show up to support the woman I am today.

                     Your Tribe When you think about friends, these are THE friends. The friends who are literally your ride or die. They are probably the most judgmental of all your friends, but they do it from a place of love. They’re the people that just get you – no frills, no expectations – they accept and love you for your total person, even when that person is a disgusting pig or pain in the ass.

Everyone has a tribe and I’m thankful that my friendship with my cousin led me to finding mine. These are people I never would have thought I’d find, let alone would want me and my non-stop singing, harry potter loving, annoying ass self, around. These are the friends I can hang out with in my sweatpants all day, every day, but will also tell me when it’s been long enough in the sweat pants and I should probably start trying a little harder. They will tell me I’m beautiful and genuinely mean it just as genuinely as they will tell me I’m a troll who needs to brush my hair.

These people become family in a way that family never could. They’re the family you chose because your souls matched up in some way, not because you were born into it, and that relationship is special. There are too many of them to name individually, but they are invaluable in my life and something I wouldn’t trade for all the American dollars in the world.

These friends have helped me realize not take things so seriously all the time. School and work are great, but life is about being ridiculous in a restaurant at 2am as much as it’s about getting a degree or a good job. Friends should support and lift you up, but they should also tease you and help you realize you’re being a diva too. They bring the balance to your life and that’s why they’re the ones who stay with you throughout the whole rollercoaster ride.

  Have you fallen asleep yet? Are you still here? I told you this would be long. But I went to a Gender Reveal Party and I’m feeling sentimental and I thought it would be good to let out some positivity rather than always focusing on my self-deprecating thoughts of loneliness. If you take anything away from this, I hope that you become more honest with the people around you and let them know how much you care, now. I think people would be a lot happier if they had any idea how much they mean to others around them and brightening someone’s day always feels great. I hope this brightens some of yours!

  Let Me Tell Ya Bought My Best Friends I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Losing someone so special to me has left this void of space in my soul and I spend a lot of time wondering if she knew just how much I loved and admired her.

#advice #comment #emotion #emotions #friends #friendship #general nonsense #identity #opinions #random thoughts #self improvement #self reflection #thoughts #write #writing

[migleefulmoments]

Wow, the tinhats are on fire today. Bitching about it being disrespectful to have their sexuality defined for them (hypocrite, much?), actually saying Darren STATED ON RECORD that he was gay (wut, then why does he need a beard?), reading the minds of Darren's parents, apparently have direct access to Darren, Mia and Ben's bank statements to know how much money they have. These Emmys have really given them a fright and rattled their cages LMFAO.

I literally just wrote a post tagging them about that ridiculous post calling out someone for saying she is straight when she considers herself pan.  Whatever dude.  Getting angry over an anon calling you straight is f’ing pathetic when 1. you are nobody and there is no reason for anybody to give a shit about your sexuality and 2. you aren’t actually talking about your sexuality-pan or otherwise- on your blog. I mean if you had a blog that was about your sexuality then your sexuality should be respected but bitching because someone didn’t check your bio to see if you felt the need to proclaim your sexuality before posting about CC is pathetic.  Franky, I don’t fucking care who anybody except my husband sleeps with. I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to check a Tumblr bio to ascertain the sexuality of the owner of a blog whose sole reason for existence is to discount everything Darren says about himself, his sexuality, his love and to criticize every move he makes while blaming it on an elusive and every-expanding contract, the evil players in Hollywood, his inept yet all-controlling manager and the evil beard he hates but who controls his life simply to torture him and “get promotion”.   Oh, and she also exists to cyberbully Mia, a woman that she is so jealous of she spends her days creating and perpetuating lies to make herself feel better about her pea green envy of Mia. 

Basically the Emmy’s showed the world that Darren is deeply in love with and ridiculously smitten with Mia Swier.  It is really hard to defend your mantra that Chris is “captain of this ship” and supporting Darren with all his might because they have a LOVE for the ages and are in the fight of their lives against the evil of Hollywood when Darren wears his heart on his sleeve and declares his love so freely.  So let’s dissect their lies:

1. Did Darren state on Record that he was gay?  Well if he did it was in one poorly recorded livestream while telling a joke and he was off camera. He HAS actually stated with his mouth, while on camera, in clear language, and in written article after article, that he is straight.  He has elaborated on what it is like to play gay while being straight and he has talked about representation over and over. He has also said- out of his mouth, while on camera- that he is engaged to and loves Mia.  Back to the declaration “I’m gay”. Jordan Roth was Parascoping from an event viewing (Emmys?) and a bunch of guys were standing around. A pic of Taylor Swift in a bathtub had just broke the internet and he made a joke about it. Darren off camera makes a joke like “I see that everyday” and then something garbled is said amongst the laughing and over talking. CCers claim Darren says “but I’m gay” which seems odd that he would declare such a thing in that context, on a livestream. It isn’t a natural response to having just said you see “that sort of thing all the time” and WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE OUT HIMSELF LIKE THAT ON a LIVESTREAM?  Also I have listened to that audio a hundred times and I don’t hear “I’m gay”.  Oh, and Jordan doesn’t respond in the way one would if a closeted friend just screwed up and outed themselves. CCers hang on to that moment like it is a defining CC moment while disregarding and denying all of the times Darren has said he is straight and all the behavior that proves he is with in fact, the fiancee of a woman named Mia

2. Darren’s parents. I posted earlier that I believe the pics are “proof” that Charles doesn’t love or respect Cerina or Darren- he’s walking in front of them after all. He’s also reading his phone- another sign that means he doesn’t actually love or respect those he is with. NOBODY walks in front of someone they love and respect and NOBODY ever looks at their phone when they are with someone they care about and a picture isn’t a snapshot of 0.01 seconds of someone’s life...it is an entire story for strangers to dissect. The pics are are a “stunt” and not at all indicative that the group is annoyed that Paps are literally walking backwards in front of them snapping pictures. Nope they are statements about the disgust the person walking in front carries for the other members of the group. At least THAT is how Tinhatters have seen it every time pap pics of Darren and Mia are released and he’s in front of her or on his phone so it must apply here as well, right? 

3. There was also an argument that Cerina and Charles are pulling stunts,  pretending to be  “one big happy family” because “they love their child so much they would do anything”.  That isn’t how parental love works. Bad behavior, lies, and deception are not OK simply because you do it out of love.  I love my children to death but I would never outright deceive the world by literally participating in “stunts” over and over where I was putting on a performance that was counter to everyone’s best interest. I wouldn’t consider it “supporting my child” by doing anything that kept them in the closet or forcing them to lie over and over or colluding with them to pretend they are engaged to someone they hated. Ethics and morals still matter and doing what is right matters and supporting the good things-not the bad things- in our kids’ lives matter. But the CCers pretend that love matters more than anything...as long as it is about love then nothing else matters.  That is the Disney-princess version of life and love.  It doesn’t hold up in reality. 

4. Speaking of Makes No Sense... The idea that every time Mia is talked about, mentioned, in a photo or standing near Darren he is promoting her. WTF? “Promotion”.  Mia doesn’t even have social media...she isn’t promoting herself. Darren isn’t promoting her.  Stop being so f’ing jealous of her CCers.  It doesn’t look good on you.  

5. Ben...oh lord Ben.  That whole trope is entirely made up.  Ben might have stayed with them long ago but I follow him in IG and he is rarely in LA and never for more than a few nights. There is nothing to suggest he is even staying with them anymore.  Mia and Ben are clearly friends and Mia and Darren both  openly share their lives with her friends. Mia wearing Ben’s hat means absolutely nothing and Ben’s arm around Mia at an IHeartRadio event means they are friends and Ben supporting the bar means it is a fun place to hang out and he likes them.  Nothing more.  The whole story about them in bed and taking pictures on Valentine’s day 1854 is so pathetic and contrived... I just can't. Every time the CCers stomp their feet and yell “Ben Ben Ben HOW CAN YOU IGNORE BEN” I think of Trump and his pathetic attempts to prove that Mueller is a witch hunt...or Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham claiming they aren’t racist. It is just as desperate. 

There are a lot of comments today- made by single woman- about what a healthy relationship should look like. There is nothing about Ben and Mia and Darren except desperate CCers trying discount Darren and Mia’s engagement.  Hell, maybe both Darren and Mia are sleeping with Ben....a throuple if you will.  It doesn’t matter if they are because IT ISN’T ANY OF OUR BUSINESS.  Having been in a relationship for *cough *cough 24+ years with the same man, I can say that there is nothing about Mia and Darren- including Ben- that makes me think it isn't a healthy relationship. Long term relationships are hard work..not the stuff of Disney princess love and CC BS.  If Ben stays with them when he is in town, who cares? He is in town so little. I can imagine staying in hotels gets old and staying with friends whose home is filled with music and singing has to be a joy. 

I agree with you, the Emmys rattled the CC family... big time.  It is hard to ignore the look Darren gave her as he declared her “my darling Mia” and said the most romantic thing I have heard a man use to proclaim to his love ...well, EVER. It is hard posting the same pics of Darren and Chris talking on stage over and over and over and over and pretend that means they are in love or that it wasn’t 10 years ago. They have sunk to arguing that when we watch Glee we aren’t seeing Klaine on screen but rather that is CrissColfer and they aren’t acting..they are in love in RL.  Um, dude NO, those were characters. They were reading lines written for them by writers. They were following stage direction and hitting marks.  After the Emmys, the CCers were left analyzing WHERE Darren and Mia’s noses touched because their kiss during the excitement of hearing his name announced wasn’t perfectly coordinated.  Darren’s aim was a little off -apparently- they bumped noses and that proves they don’t kiss often. I MEAN THAT IS IRREFUTABLE PROOF THEY ARE FAKE.  There was also a proclamation that clearly Mia practiced on objects and other people so she could grab Darren’s face and plant one on him after his name was announced.  Making that kind of shit up is the epitome of desperation. They are running scared. Their entire fandom is based on lies, anger, hate and criticizing people who don’t care about them. So when it falls apart, there is no reason to be a CC Family. Their international friendships which are glued together by their hatred and envy of Mia, ceases to have a reason to exist. When it all falls apart, they have no reason to be so sanctimonious or self righteous and they cease to be internet “famous” as they have labeled themselves.  If they aren’t fighting for Darren’s very soul, they don’t matter. That just sucks. Of course I watch them double down on “how will NEVER marry her” and I know they are setting themselves up for a big fall...it’s a train wreck happening in slow motion. Of course he will marry her. He has said so publicly several times. Their friends congratulated them and showered them with love-ya know, people who actually know them.  I know the CC family will have a few days of anger and then they will regroup and talk about how getting married to one’s beard is the new “breaking up with one’s beard” and that Chris was supporting Darren with everything he had. They will hate the beautiful wedding song Darren and performs for Mia and then they will claim it was really a secret message for them-the people who are really listening- to proclaim his undying love for Chris. Chris will continue to ignore Darren and while most of Hollywood sends Darren and Mia love, the CCers will claim that the ONLY reason Chris wouldn’t send a social media post to Darren is because he contractually can’t. That alone is telling...there is NO other reason he would ignore Darren... I mean, that is the only thing that makes sense, right? 

[thought-corner-blog]

My Hot Take on Morality

Morality is a very very very sticky subject that few people want to fully delve into (including myself for a very long time) because if one comes to the wrong conclusion, that can be VERY stressful. What do I mean by the “wrong” conclusion? I mean an answer that explains why people do the wrong thing, but doesn't explain why people do the right thing. Or explains why people do either, but doesn't explain why one should do the right thing. Coming to the conclusion that nobody has any choice in it at all can also be quite stressful. This subject is a source of anxiety for a lot of people, myself included, but I've been thinking about it more because of some pieces of literature that I've been forced to read for school. Yes, the thing that prompted me to seriously think about the issue of morality is a high school literature course that I had zero choice in taking, and yes it is pathetic. But I'm thinking about it now, and here's what all of my thinking has got me to.

First of all, why does it matter? Now don't worry I'm still going to cover this issue (I know you were probably shaking and shitting in your boots out of fear of me not rambling on and on about an issue that only really pretentious and/or old people remotely give a rats ass about). This hypothetical question is mostly just to assuage my own anxiety. What I mean is, if we have no choice in anything, and we're just a bunch of pissing, cumming, sweating, expostulating, hugging, fucking, loving, angry, deranged animals who learned to speak on a moldy, stone space ship spiraling through the universe, why does it matter if I have all the answers? I still want to know, but it's more for the sake of sating my curiosity. Now it's more that I want the answers, not that I need them. Enough about me, though, what even the fuck is morality? What is justice? In this essay I will attempt to answer these questions.

Let's start by exploring the idea of free will in relation to determinism, because it was the conclusion I reached about this subject which lead me to even write about this at all. And this time I'm actually going to use a source (pretty crazy right? Gonna go all out and use MLA like a big-boy writer). The source is an excerpt from Not Guilty: a Defense of the Bottom Dog by Robert Blatchford, relating to a defense of “hard determinism.” There's a lot to unpack in this excerpt, and a lot of things that I agree and disagree with, but lets start with what I agree with. So Blatchford (I'm not sure how to feel about that last name cause it's kind of bad-ass but it's also sort of nonsense) claims in this excerpt that man is not responsible for having a “virtuous” or “cruel” nature, because these things are dictated and influenced entirely by “heredity” and “environment.” Before we get to the big fat and in Blatchford's claim, lets look a bit deeper into this statement. Blatchford says this claim is very difficult to refute, and I agree. No human being has any control over the different things that make them up. If different environmental and genetic factors led to a person becoming virtuous, it's not as if that person had any control over those factors. Let's take an extreme example: Hitler. Before I say anything about Hitler, I want to make it clear that I hate him. He sucks and is a very awful shitty person and he makes me wish hell existed so that he could go there. But the thing with Hitler is, he had no control over the factors which led him to become a deranged sociopathic piece of radio-active pig meat, and he didn't even believe that he was a deranged sociopath in the first place. This is true for everyone. Obviously I am oversimplifying the human condition, but you get my point: humans do not choose to be initially good or evil, and evil people generally don't even think that they're evil at all.

I don't disagree with Blatchford on this point, but I reject his interpretation of these facts. Blatchford claims that this inability to choose one's own nature means 1). That human beings cannot be held responsible for their actions and 2). That human beings have practically no free will in making moral decisions. The reason I disagree with this is because there is no way that a child molester does not deserve punishment, and there is no way that people are completely bound to a fate of enslavement to their heredity. But how can this be if a child molester was born with a lust that is stronger than their virtue? Something that is completely outside of their control? Well this is where we need to define what justice is.

And this is where my Hot Takes come in, which should be taken with a very large grain of salt because I have absolutely no philosophical expertise (but honestly, neither did most ancient Greek philosophers. A lot of them were major dipshits but they are practically worshiped by modern day thinkers. I would also like to note that this statement is substantiated by absolutely zero facts). Here is my personal definition of justice: justice is an equal and opposite reaction to injustice. It is the representation of a battle between two sides who both believe they are doing what is reasonable. Those on the side of justice are individuals who's virtue is stronger than greed or ambition, and those on the side of injustice are individuals who are won over by self-satisfaction at the sacrifice of others. Do people have any choice in whether or not their virtue is stronger than their need to satisfy the self? Sort of. This is another place where I disagree with Blatchford, and it lies in the area of free will, which is a different topic so I'm going to start another paragraph to talk about it.

Blatchford's view on free will is much too rigid. He views humans as mechanisms following out a protocol which was programmed into them through development by outside factors and “heredity.” I agree with Blatchford in that I think that human beings cannot choose what they want. I cannot choose whether or not I like tomatoes. I also cannot choose whether I initially want the best for the world or not. Nobody can control their heredity or their environment. Blatchford believes this means that nobody has any choice in the decisions they make, and his rhetoric makes it seem pretty reasonable at first. But when you just strip away all the bullshit and look at the “if then” statement made to reach that conclusion you realize that that's a pretty big leap. IF human beings cannot control the factors which assemble the parts of their character THEN they cannot make any ethical decisions at all. What the fuck? Now that's some dumb bullshit right there. In my oh so humble opinion. The reason this is some dumb bullshit is because Blatchford assumes because some choices are omitted due to an individual's nature, there are no choices that can be made at all. Let's use a much too simple and fallacious metaphor to dissect this claim. Let's say that I have the choice between butterscotch ice cream and chocolate ice cream. Blatchford is essentially claiming that because actual fecal material is an omitted choice by nature, we don't really have a choice in anything at all. Yes, human beings cannot choose their nature, and they cannot choose what they want, but they can choose to do what they want, and to change themselves however they want, and this is determined by the nature of a human being, something that human beings cannot control. It's assumed that the collective “you” is the factors and building blocks which make you, and the things which went into turning you into who you are. You have no control over these factors, but you are yourself (that's sort of a given). The collective you can choose between two paths, and can choose what to become, and can choose what to prioritize in life, and can choose between chocolate and butterscotch ice cream, goddammit!

Bottom line: humans can decide to do what they want but they cannot decide what they want. Some people are born wanting one thing and others wanting another thing. This is called virtue or lack of it, and justice is an equal and opposite reaction to injustices acted out by people who were born with lust or greed or ambition which was greater than their virtue. Thus it is a constant battle between two combating sides who both think they are doing what's reasonable.

Also here’s the name of the picture I used to write pretentious words on:  Nocturne:Blue and Gold- Old Battersea Bridge,1872-5,J.M.

Works cited:

Blatchford, Robert. “A Defense of Hard Determinism from: Not Guilty, a Defense of the Bottom Dog.” University of Washington, 1918.

#philosophy #writing #blog #morality #existentialism #atheism #essay #free will versus determinism #why do i have a fucking blog on tumblr #human nature

[cece2046]

Close the Curtain - Chap 5

@reynardinepttr​ this angel completed the beta only a few hours after receiving my email, yet I took three days to post it. Work. You know.

@sissannis​ is a menace and the alpha reader.

@honeyweeds​ just because I feel like it. *shrug*

AO3 / FFN

Luke Nott obviously overestimates his influence on her. It might be her fault for indulging him, but Hermione is not ready to admit it. Age gives her experience, self assurance, and patience, but she still detests admitting being wrong.

So, Luke Nott has a larger ego than she expected. Big deal. All her life she’s been working with men with egos the size of the Pacific Ocean. It’s depressing how many of them are out there.

Currently, the young and handsome egomaniac is going through her notes on their research. Behind her back, no less.

“Mr. Nott.” She finally made a sound after watching him for five minutes.

He jumped ten feet from the floor. To his credit, he’s not flustered at all. “Ms. Granger! I didn’t hear you.”

“Obviously.” She nodded to her desk with her notebook open.

His demeanor changed. It’s amazing how some people can do that. He went from this innocent and curious apprentice to a predator in the blink of an eye. Hermione blinked again just to be sure.

“Now, now. Hermione.” He stepped closer to her slowly, elegantly. She stood her ground. “You know it’s no way to treat an academic partner by shutting him out.”

She smiled. “You should know your status is considerably lower than that of a partner.”

He’s still moving closer, eyes flashing dangerously. “Oh really? But Malfoy is?”

“Neither of you has the capability.”

It’s terribly arrogant of her to say that. Doesn’t mean it’s not true. Hermione would have been mortified if this came out of her mouth twenty years ago, but now it’s a different story. She knows what she’s capable of and she’s not afraid to set the rules and draw the boundaries anymore.

Apparently arrogance turns Nott on, or whatever twisted mechanism he’s operating by. He flashed a bright smile to her, canines white and perfect, making the smile a little wolfish. His breath is by her ear since Hermione refused to back off during the whole power play. “I so like a woman with confidence.”

She put a hand on his chest to prevent him from moving any closer. “They are the most difficult kind to manipulate.”

He laughed a little. She can feel the low vibration under her palm. “But the best kind to win over.”

She’s almost excited at that moment. It’s been a while since someone seriously flirted with her. The fact that there’s no real feelings attached to this makes it even better. She thought of another man in a back alley, almost a silhouette, devouring another woman with so much concentration and sadness. She didn’t need to ask. He didn’t need to say anything. She understood him almost immediately without any verbal exchange. She knows what he needs, but she can’t help him.

Not now.

Her palm is still pressed against his hard chest. She pushed him away slowly, looking him in the eye. “Get out of my office.”

He let her push him, smile still on his lips. “Why are you so eager to make me leave, Hermione? What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid the amount of audacity in this room is over the Ministry suggested standard.”

He laughed, dodging the accusation, and closed his hand around her wrist. “Let me in.”

“Back off, then.”

“I can help you with this. I have the expert resources. I have my family library. We can make groundbreaking discoveries! Together. Hermione,” he said eagerly, eyes shining, “We can do this together.”

She sighed. “This is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.”

A little confusion and amusement. “You’re avoiding success?”

“No, I’m avoiding you getting overzealous and fucking it up.”

“Passion is what makes things come true!”

She touched her finger to his temple. “Intelligence is what makes things come true. Hands off and butt out, Mr. Nott.”

He pouted and made puppy dog eyes.

“Not working,” she said.

“I can’t believe you.” He shook his head. “You know this is big! I need this more than that Malfoy prick!”

“I thought he’s your father’s friend?” She asked.

“Doesn’t make him my friend,” he said sullenly.

“That’s neither here or there.” She moved around her desk and started to reorganize her files. “He has his role, and you have yours. Stay in it.”

“Oh yeah? What’s his role then? Your fuck buddy?” He said acidly.

She paused. “I beg your pardon?”

He turned to her, eyes burning. “How long have you two been sleeping together? Do you seriously think you could get away with it? We have the same titles but you’re playing favoritism!”

“You’re out of line, Nott,” she said calmly. “You’re dismissed for the day.”

He stood there in utter disbelief, and abruptly, he left the room in a few strides.

She stretched her back and sighed. Brilliant.

She’s lying in Draco Malfoy's bed, smoking.

“I must repeat that I resent being used like this and you smoking in my bedroom without taking your clothes off.” His eyes are as hard as can be.

She just toed her boots off without replying.

“I hope that’s just a start.”

“Who knows.” She inhales deeply, frowning.

“Hey.” He turns to her. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m thinking.”

“Surprise, surprise.”

She didn’t say anything until the cigarette’s gone. Draco was almost asleep when she said, “What if we really manage it?”

“Manage what?”

“You know what.”

“I know this, and I know that, and I think I know something not wholly relevant but still interesting, but I have no idea which one you’re referring to.”

“Well I said ‘what if’ and I said ‘we’, didn’t I?”

“Huh.”

“So. Your thoughts?”

“I must say I’ve never believed that we could really do it.”

“I might be close.”

He propped himself up with his elbow. “Seriously?”

She hummed.

“Wow.” He plumped back down. “Do you realize what that means?”

“Chaos,” she said. “Death. Distrust. Mental disorders. Ethical dilemmas.”

“Good. I see you haven’t lost your logical mind.”

“I’m not going to do anything. I’m just thinking about it.”

“Thinking about doing something?”

“Twenty years ago? Definitely. Now?” She tapped another cigarette out. “I have too much to lose now.”

“Really? I thought you have less to lose now.”

She slapped his chest without looking at him. “That’s low.”

Her hand stayed there. Warmth sinks into her skin slowly. Her cigarette stays unlit.

“Granger?”

“What?”

“Wanna fuck?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

It feels good to be here. In Draco’s bed. She never expected herself to feel this way, but life works in mysterious ways, or God, or whatever or whoever up there. She stared at the ceiling, brain turning and turning. This is ending soon, but it has a high chance of ending ugly. She’s the only one who knows the chilling truth and possible consequences. She can take it. She’s not so sure about Harry. It’s comforting to know that she has an ally who’s just as cold and heartless as she,, then, whose bed she’s currently lying in.

Except that he’s not cold or heartless. At all.

She’s still the only one who can do unthinkably cruel things with her bare hands.

And it’s exceptionally lonely.

She climbed out of the bed. “Do you think they’ve left?”

He didn’t move. “I bet they’re still there. You might have to use the floo.”

She looked out through the crack between curtains. Yes, they’re still there. Lurking in the shadows with alarming patience and professional skepticism. For a moment she feels like she’s the prey instead of the hunter. Strange feeling, that. Hasn’t popped up for decades.

“Or you could stay.” His voice is sombre.

She thought she’s already past the age of apologizing for her actions, but apparently not. Apparently people just can’t stop hurting people no matter how much experience they’ve had. Even if you know better, you can’t prevent it from happening. Every decision has its repercussions. If you’re afraid of hurting people, you may as well do nothing.

But she’s never good at standing idly by while letting others get their hands dirty.

“Draco. We talked about - ”

“Yeah.” He turned aloof in one second. “I don’t know why I bothered.”

She walked towards him. “You bothered because you care.”

He remained silent, watching her move around the bed and sit down besides him.

Her fingers held his hands tightly, as if trying to force him to admit something terrible. Something horrifying. Something that can tear him apart or make him complete, all depending on one answer.

It’s not happening today.

“You ready to go?” He asked her.

She sighed, her eyes boring into him with traces of sadness and understanding. “You stay. I’ll be using your library.”

He saluted carelessly behind her back.

She stood in front of the fireplace in Harry’s house. It has been Harry’s house for years now. She rarely thought of Sirius during the war. A war has the power to suck you into it, leaving you little energy to dwell on the past. And then she left, relocated, started all over again. She kept writing letters to her friends, asking for forgiveness. She got a job and then a better one and then another. She fell in love and fell out of love and went through all five stages of grief. She discovered so much about herself and the world that the war is not the biggest part in her life anymore. It lost the power to control her perspective. She moved on from it, gaining the strength to look back whenever she wants. She thought of Sirius when she was reading a novel and a woman in it said, “The tragedy of life, Howard, is not that the beautiful die young, but that they grow old and mean.”

It was a beautiful afternoon. Sunlight cut through her window and drew everything in her apartment in shadows on her floor. She suddenly let go of a piece of herself that’s been stuck in that night at the end of her Fifth Year. A piece of that girl (barely a woman, really) who’s so afraid and confused, mostly confused. Life bowed to her, smiled maliciously, and pulled open the veil to reality.

Why did he die?

What sense does that make?

What’s the meaning of it?

If not everything is logical, how am I supposed to protect others? Or myself?

How am I supposed to win if this world doesn’t play by rules?

She forgot her doubt in the run, in the adrenaline, in the torture and fight and killing. And years later, oceans away, she held a book that answered her through the dust of time and space. Unintentionally, of course. And she thought of Sirius Black. That’s the day Hermione Granger lost her fear of death.

“I’m sorry.” She touched the photo sitting on the mantle piece, in which the old Order is laughing and waving and living. “Now I’m back.”

“Do you regret it?”

She turned around. Harry is leaning on the opposite wall, a glass of water in his hand, ankles crossed.

“No.” She didn’t hesitate.

Harry gave her a very, very slow smile. “That’s the Hermione I’ve been missing.”

She snorted. “Admit it. You hate me.”

He nodded. “I hate you. I love you. I miss you. Who says I can’t do them at the same time?”

She would really love to know what those feelings would be afterwards. It would be so convenient if she could play human minds like Arithmancy formulas, working out what would happen if she made different choices at the next crossroad. If she could do that, if she did, would the “I hate you and I love you and I miss you and I hate you most of all” today become “I love you and don’t leave me and don’t ever leave me again”?

She just leaned on the wall next to him and handed him a Galleon coin. “I love you, too.”

He eyed the coin curiously, and then recognition settled in. “Is that…?”

“Yep,” she said in false cheerfulness. “Everything’s gonna work out."

#Teddy Lupin×Hermione Granger #teddy lupin #Hermione Granger #Harry Potter #Draco Malfoy