Tumgik
#im still really scared to speak it in front of my friends and family bc they'll just make fun of me for trying to learn and being so quiet
milimeters-morales · 7 months
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im finally getting ads completely in spanish now including the close/exit/proceed/shop now buttons that are on them ^_^ gonna start a journal soon for it as well!
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lil-tokyo-42 · 10 months
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Loki laufeyson x Y/N Time of love
alr New fanfic series! kinda nervous bc idk what to do- BUT ILL TRY MY BEST LITTLE ONES!!! listening to my hype playlist aint helping im abt to dance
WARNINGS: mentions of abuse, cursing, strict parents, knife/dagger. if you dont enjoy or feel comfortable with these topics you're free to leave!
-You were a simple 29yo woman with abusive parents. You had no other place to stay, and your best friend had strict parents. They don't allow anyone else but family members in their house. You were in a miserable life, but your friend supported you all the way. Today those sorry excuses of parents let you go to the busy street where it looked so beautiful. Can't believe they let you out the house with booty shorts and a oversized hoodie and headphones
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(this but it was night time)
-Just now getting out of a place you see everyone freaking out suddenly. "What the hell could be going on?" whispering to yourself. You saw this gut in gold, green and black holding some staff with a bright blue light at the end of it. To be honest, he was kinda cute. He starts to introduce himself. You thought this guy was just doing the most, until he shouts. "KNEEL". Every person starts to kneel before the man, he did look dangerous and like he can do some serious damage to this part of the town. You jumped and stood there against the shop wall.
-He starts to look if everyone followed his order but his eyes are locked to yours. You wanted to run out of there and get to your house but you didn't budge. He makes everyone make a path to get to you. Your bag of food dropped out of your grasp, your eyes went wide, and you started shaking. He's in front of you. Staring at you. You expected worse like he would make you kneel but, he took off his helmet and put the staff against the wall
-"Hello there mortal." He says blandly looking up and down at your figure. You start noticing and wanting to cover your plush thighs but you feel like you can't move. He starts to speak but notices your red face looking somewhere else from his gaze. "I'm Loki, God of mischief and I am burdened with a glorious purpose" Did he really just say that? "O-Oh I'm Y/N" Stuttering because of his tall figure with his hands next to his mid section to show that he wont hurt you.
-Out of nowhere he makes a dagger appear and hands it to you. He smiles while you hesitantly take it from his cold hands. "Thank you.." "Don't think of me as a villain, I'm like you. Neglected." He sure did look like it. You thought this was a myth but you snapped out of your trance when some guy in the american flag colors appears behind ya'll. "Excuse me for a moment" Loki says giving a warm smile and wink.
-You were positively sure this was not the first meeting you guys would have. You grabbed your bag and ran back to your house. Opening the front door, your dad comes to the door to yell at you but then notices you're shocked and almost traumatized. "The fuck your scared for? We didn't beat you up THAT bad!" You don't give an answer, but the fact that you met a GOD. A LITERAL GOD. "Why aren't you ANSWERING MY QUESTION!?" Your dad yells before throwing a beer bottle at you. You then again snapped out of your trance and use the dagger that Loki gave you
-You crashed the glass bottle to the floor and your mother then came to the scene to find a shocked father and a scared but still shocked daughter. "What the actual FUCK is happening?!" You were gonna say something but your father just had to cut you off. "YOUR STUPID LITTLE GIRL JUST CRASHED AND SPILLED A FRESH BEER BOTTLE TO THE FLOOR" You looked at him with disbelief. "You threw it at me! What was i supposed to do?!" "LET IT HIT YOU BITCH! WHY DO YOU HAVE A DAGGER TOO?!" Your mom just stood there but then heard you had a dagger, she never raised you like that but then again she abused you from 4 years old.
-"What is wrong with you Y/N?!" That. Was. The. LAST. Straw. "Y'know what? I'm DONE! IM 29 YEARS OLD, A FUCKING ADULT. YOU WONT LET ME LIVE MY LIFE, YOU WONT LET ME HANG WITH THE ONLY FRIEND THAT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE FAMILY, AND THE FACT YOU GET MAD OVER THE SMALLEST THINGS!! I MET A GOD WHO'S FIGHTING A SUPERHERO, AND THE AMOUNT OF TIMES YOU BEAT ME UP!" The parents look flabbergasted at the sudden outburst of their daughter "Do you know who your talking to little girl!?" your mother who had the audacity to blurt. "YEAH THE BITCH WHO CANT TAKE PROPER CARE OF THEIR DAUGHTER!" You said before leaving once more to your room to pack up and leave this retched household. -I wonder if i'll meet him again...- (- - mean thoughts)
GAWD DAUYM AM I TIRED. sometimes on july i just cant sleep and it happened last july so thats why this took so long but I TRIED MY BEST LITTLE ONES (why does little one remind me of thanos???)
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serendipityseulgi · 4 years
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8 Ways of Love;
— park seonghwa
according to the ancient greeks, there are eight different types of love. here is:
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・*:༅。 the one known as pragma, the enduring love.
aka, the kind of love that matures and develops over a long period of time, and somewhat rare to find. 
8 ways of love series; version i
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A love story that shows the progression of yours and seongwha’s relationship from the moment you two become friends, to lovers, to exes, and everything else in between. 
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love catalyst: the subconscious.
At the age of six years old you declare Park Seonghwa to be your boyfriend, solidifying your “relationship” with a hug.
“Eww, y/n, you have cooties!” your best friend barks, pushing you off him.
“Wha- hey no I don’t!” you squeak.
“Yes you do because Mingi told all the boys not to touch the girls because they have a disease and it’s going to eat our bodies alive!” he practically screeches getting up from the sandbox about to walk away from you.
“Seonghwaaa he’s lying!” you whine out and he huffs turning around to face you.
“Well all the other boys are listening to him so he has to be right.” 
“Well I touched you yesterday when we were playing tag and you’re fine!” you defend. “And if all girls have cooties then how come your mommy still hugs and kisses you goodbye in the morning? Wouldn’t you be dead now?”
Even at the age of 6 you were the biggest smartass Seonghwa knew.
After a moment of deliberation, he sighs. “Okay fine, you’re right.” your friend huffs. 
“So are you gonna back so we can play again?” you ask, arms crossed over your little body. 
Seonghwa nods before grabbing onto your hand to drag you back into the sandbox. 
The two of you return to making your sandcastle and it’s only a mere two minutes later does your friend speak up.“Am I actually your boyfriend now?” he asks suddenly and you whip your head towards him.
“Well I hugged you so yeah.” you roll your eyes at him and his soft little laugh makes your tiny heart jump.
Within the next week you two forget you’re “boyfriend-and-girlfriend” and go back to being the best friends you’ve always been, playing in the sandbox after school, watching cartoons at your house, and never missing a single dinner together while your parents listen to the two of you talk your little heads off.
For the record, there wasn’t much of a difference in your so-called relationship and your friendship in the first place when you were just six years old.
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 At thirteen years old, your best friend confesses he likes you.
“Okay I know this is weird because, I should see you as like, a sister or something, I don’t know!” Seonghwa rants, pacing back and forth in your bedroom as you watch him frantically explain the way he feels about you.
“You know what I mean though? You’re like, practically family to me! Right? Right...” you figure he’s talking more to himself than to you as he asks himself questions that he’s quick to answer to. “Like you’re probably gonna think I’m weird or something, but you are my best friend and I don’t want it to be weird-”
“Seonghwa for the love of god can you just get to your point.” you interrupt impatiently.
“I like you okay?” he says quietly, avoiding all eye contact with you. 
His heart is beating so fast he feels like it’s actually going to rip right through his chest. He’s never been nervous around you ever. You’re his best friend, and you have been since you were 5 years old, and he doesn’t know why he suddenly feels like you’re the only girl he wants in his life. 
When he hears you laughing at him his heart drops to his stomach and he braces himself for the upcoming rejection.
“Can you come sit next to me.” you ask, gesturing to the empty spot on your bed. 
Seonghwa complies, yet his anxiety is rising by the second. He has never been so nervous in all the thirteen years he’s been alive. He almost wants to vomit as his stomach churns at the thought of you telling him you didn’t feel the same way.
“You’re rejecting me aren’t you...” he sighs, plopping down onto the spot next to you.
You shake your head with a smile. “No idiot, I like you too. Obviously.” you roll your eyes at him.
“Wait, what? Seriously??” he almost goes into shock. “Are you joking?”
“I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious.” you shrug. “I was throwing subtle signs at you for the longest time.”
“Like what?!” 
“Like the time I kept pestering you to take me to the Valentine’s Day dance, and when I made you hold my hand during that scary movie when you know I never get scared of horror films. Oh, and the time you kept badgering me about why I rejected Hongjoong for no good reason. I kept telling you that you were the only guy I needed in my life and you were too oblivious to realize I didn’t mean it in the friend way anymore.” you chuckle.
“Oh... Oh,” Seonghwa realizes. “I really am oblivious then.”
“It’s okay, I already knew you liked me back anyways.” you smirk at him, grabbing your remote off the bedside table.
You flip the TV on as you feel Seonghwa’s heavy gaze on you. “So does this mean you’re my girlfriend?” he asks you and you pause.
“I mean technically we never broke up when we were six so you’re basically just re-asking me out.” you tease, pulling the blankets on both your bodies as you settle on a show to watch.
“Oh god, you still remember that?” 
Of course you do. 
“Obviously, how could I forget you screaming to the entire park that I had cooties.” 
He laughs at that and you can’t help but smile widely hearing him. You both lay comfortably next to one another, watching intently at the show in front of you, yet both your minds were racing at the fact that officially, you could say you were boyfriend and girlfriend. 
“So when did you start liking me?” he asks you. 
“Honestly, I think I always did.” you answer truthfully. “But, like actually realizing my feelings for you?” you pause for a moment to think. “I think it was when you got really sick that one time and your parents were away for a business trip, and my mom made me drop off soup to your house. And I was only supposed to drop off the soup but I took care of you because even when you were all snotty and gross and barely awake to hang out with me, I kinda just realized I’d rather spend my time with you doing that than anywhere else.”
His eyes soften at you. “Aww.”
“Buuut then before that, there was also that time that Ashley told you she liked you and I got super jealous and I was actually going to shove her into a brick wall, so ...I kinda just figured...” you add.
“Way to ruin a sappy moment, moron.” Seonghwa playfully shoves you and you laugh. 
You cuddle up next to him returning your attention back to the show in front of you. Only a few minutes pass before Seonghwa speaks up again, and his question catches you off guard.
“What if we break up... like eventually?” 
You think about it for a second. “Then we go back to being best friends.”
“That easy?”
“That easy.” you nod. 
“For the record though, I don’t ever want there to be a time where I don’t like you. I hope there isn’t.” he says.
“I hope there isn’t either.” you assure, and just like that, you two go back to watching tv.
You’ve always had a soft spot for Seonghwa so it never came as a surprise to you, or anybody for that matter when you figured out you had a little crush on your best friend. 
In a hypothetical situation, if somewhere along the way your feelings ever started to fade, you still couldn’t picture a life where he wasn’t right beside you no matter what. He was your person, and he has been since you two were five. There was nobody in this world that could replace the bond you had with him.
Even at the age of thirteen, you knew you wanted Seonghwa to be there for the rest of your life.
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At the age of fourteen and a half, you and Seonghwa have your first ever fight where he conveniently declares that he loves you for the first time. 
seonghwa <3; received 4:24 pm
y/n can u not be like this and talk to me :( 
plsssssss
i’m sorry
can u let me come over and talk to u
Your phone continues to buzz as you stare at it beside you, rolling your eyes at his insistent messaging.
You try your best to ignore it but the continuous beeping irritates you to no end.
you; delivered 4:26 pm
no
i’m mad at u.
seonghwa <3; received 4:26 pm
:(
you; delivered 4:27 pm
can u like do smth with ur life instead of bothering me
seonghwa <3; received 4:27 pm
ouch.
Okay, you admit. That one was a low blow and for a second you almost feel bad until you’re reminded of the fact that you were still royally pissed at him.
you; delivered 4:28 pm
ur actually annoying
seonghwa <3; received 4:28 pm
ya ik i am
but yk what i’m not
someone who is going to do nothing about their gf being mad at them
so open ur window bc im climbing up so i can apologize
stop being a meanie and let me say sorry
Despite how mad you still are, your heart can’t help but skip a beat reading his messages. No matter how hard you wanted to stay angry at him and tell him to go away, you knew you wouldn’t be able to resist him even if you tried. Seonghwa was charming like that, always managing to sweet talk you in every way. 
You crack open your window and see his tuft of black hair climbing up your ladder. As he hops into your bedroom you fold your arms across your chest, not daring to say a word to him until he speaks first.
“Look, I’m sorry for being an ass earlier.” Seonghwa apologizes, and all you do is look at him. He sighs before continuing. “I was just having a bad day and took it out on you and I shouldn’t have blown up on you during class. I get it. Dick move.”
“But then you had to go and talk to Ashley about it?” you added. “That was like the worst part of it! Do you trust her more than me or something?”
“What? No! Of course not!” he panics. 
“You, and everyone else and their mother knows she’s like obsessed with you!” you shout in frustration. “She’s liked you for so long, do you know how stupid you made me look running off to her knowing how she feels about you?!”
“That wasn’t my intention-”
“Were you trying to make me mad?”
“No, y/n.”
“Did you do it to make me jealous?”
“No!”
“So why Seonghwa, did you have to go and vent to her after you yelled at me in front of everyone when all I did was try to help?”
“I don’t know, okay!”
“I just don’t understand why me of all people you had to take it out on. When all i’ve literally done for you for like the last ten freaking years of us being friends was listen to you when you had a bad day or try to cheer you up when you were down! Never once when I was feeling crappy did I take that out on you. Never.” you explain with a heavy sigh. 
“I’m sorry.” he doesn’t know what else to say because he knows he’s in the wrong. 
“Do you like her or something?” your voice is quiet and the hurt is evident. “Cause if you do just tell me.”
Seonghwa is quick to shut you down as he pulls you into his arms.
“No, no, no. Y/n, I don’t like her. I don’t. Please believe me.” he begs. “Look, I don’t know why I went to her when I should’ve gone to you. I couldn’t even begin to explain what was going through my head at that point because I don’t know. But I love you, okay? I would never, ever like Ashley.”
Your eyes widen and you pull away from him. “W-what did you just say?”
“I... um...” Seonghwa starts to fumble over his words because he didn’t exactly intend to tell you, but it sort of just came out and now he’s starting to panic.
“Do you mean it?” you ask.
He just nods, a little embarrassed at his sudden declaration.
“I love you too.” you say softly, and he relaxes.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
"I’m really sorry, y/n.” he pulls you close to him, burying his face into your hair as he hugs you tightly.
“I’m sorry too.” you murmur against him.
“I hate fighting with you.” he mumbles.
“Me too.”
“I promise I’ll never take my anger out on you again. And I’ll never talk to Ashley again. And I’ll literally do whatever you want me to if it means you won’t stay mad at me because I don’t like it when you’re mad at me, and I hate making you sad.” he rambles and you let out a small chuckle.
“Just come lay down and watch Friends with me.”
“Okay.”
And you ultimately forget that you’re mad at Seonghwa because you decide that you can’t really stay mad at him after he tells you that he loves you. And although all is forgiven, he still decides to grovel for the next week as a reassurance that he really meant his apology.
So at fourteen years old, you have your first, and last fight with him.
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At the age of sixteen, you celebrate your three year anniversary with Seonghwa, and decide you were ready to lose your virginity to him.
“Okay I know you said that the expensive dinner date was enough of a present for you, but you know me and always overdoing it....” he says behind you as you hear the crinkling of a bag behind you.
“Seonghwa...”
“Trust me, babe. You’re gonna love it.” he assures as he walks over to you.
Your eyes instantly fall onto the small red velvet box in his hands and your mouth falls open.
“This was expensive wasn’t it?” you pry and he shrugs.
“Maybe, but I was saving up for it for a while now.” he responds, sitting next to you as he hands you the box.
“I always feel bad every time you spend money on me.” you sigh as your fingers smooth over the velvet.
“I know but it was worth it, trust me. Open it.” Seonghwa urges.
You pull apart the bow and lift up the lid, your eyes widening in awe at the shiny ring placed inside. You lift it out gently noticing the small engraving on the inner part of the band, with both your initials and a small ‘i love you 4ever’ written underneath.
“Oh my god,” you utter. “I love it.” you place the ring on your finger.
“Good because I have a matching one too.” your boyfriend grins at you as he pulls out another box lined with a silver band with that very same engraving. 
You pull him in for a hug as he wraps his arms around you instinctively and all you can feel right now is an overload of gratitude for him. 
“I actually love you so much.” you say, pulling his face towards you to press soft kisses all over his face.
“Yeah, I know I’m the best,” Seongwha chuckles. “But I love you too baby.”
Your lips mould together perfectly, the kiss slow and soft at first. His hands wrap around your waist and your mouth moves gently against his. But soon enough you’re clinging to him and his body is pressed against yours, the kiss growing more needy and intense.
You knew when things started to get heavy he would stop the both of you from going further, never wanting to push you to discomfort. The furthest you had gone with one another was only third base, but it never went further than that and Seonghwa always left that decision up to you if you wanted to take it there.
You figure if you don’t speak up now, he was going to cut this short, so it’s only then at this very moment do you decide you wanted him to be your first.
“Do you want to have sex?” you blurt out suddenly and you swear you’ve never seen your boyfriend’s eyes go so wide before. 
He opens his mouth to speak but he can’t seem to find the right words to say. “I- um, wait, are you being for real?” he stutters. “I mean, I do want to, but, are you sure you want to?” he asks, still in disbelief from your question.
“Shit, sorry I know that was really sudden to ask, but I do want to.” you assure. “But only if you want to.”
“Of course I want to.” his eyes soften, and his hand finds yours in an instant delivering a comforting squeeze.
“Okay so come here and kiss me again please.” you say quietly.
And just like that, Seongwha’s soft lips land on yours once more. Without breaking apart he gently guides you to the head of his bed, laying you down underneath him as your bodies press up against each other.
You swear you can kiss Seongwha for hours and never grow tired of the feeling. You get drunk off his kisses, unable to think of anything else but him. It’s dizzying really, but you love it. You find that off all the things you love about him its his lips, and how impossibly soft they are and how familiar they feel against your own. How much comfort it would bring you, and how all you had to when you had a bad day was just kiss your boyfriend for however long he let you.
It felt like home.
His lips trailed lower to your neck, littering soft pecks across your skin. Quiet noises escape your lips and Seongwha can’t help but grind against your lower half. His hands travel across your body and the ache between your legs grows by the second, and the only thing you can think of is how much you love him, and need him.
Your mind kind of blurs because the next second you find yourself both naked and he’s fiddling in his drawer to find what you assumed to be a condom. He notices your curious stare as he opens his mouth to speak. “M-my dad told me to keep these in here,” Seongwha stutters. “He said to be prepared in case the time comes, and well, here’s the time I guess.” he laughs lightheartedly and the very sound makes your heart swell. 
“Nice call on Papa Park I guess,” you joke and Seongwha chuckles.
He climbs over you and delivers another peck to your swollen lips. “Okay, no more mention of my dad please when I’m about to put my penis in you.”
“Sorry, sorry.” you chuckle nervously as your boyfriend pulls you in for another kiss. 
"Okay, if it hurts tell me to stop and I will, alright?” his eyes stare deeply into your own.
You nod at him with a small smile, admiring what little of his face you could see in the darkness of his room. “I will, don’t worry.”
“Okay.” he sighs, positioning himself in front of you. “I love you.” he whispers against your lips. 
“I love you more, baby.” you say to him before you feel him push himself inside you. You gasp at the feeling and he stills in his spot to let you adjust. 
And once you signal that it’s okay for him to move, he does at a slow pace, and you gasp at the intense pleasure. Even though the pain has subsided his thrusts are still slow and controlled, and you don’t know if it’s because he’s afraid to hurt you, or if he just wants to revel in the feeling of you around him. Either way your heart fills with love for this one boy. 
“I love you so much, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you  know that?” he whispers in your ear and your eyes shut at his words and the newfound feeling you would grow to love. “and thank you for trusting me right now...” his breathing grows heavy. “because I would do anything for you, and I just want you to know that, okay?”
You almost feel like you could cry because above all the pleasure that you’re experiencing right now, his words feel different, more intimate, and all the more meaningful to you. 
And you believe every word he says because you know he truly means it.
“I would do anything for you too.” you repeat his words back to him and he buries his face into your neck as he continues to thrust into you. 
So at sixteen years old, you have your first time with the love of your life. And you tell yourself that no matter what happens between the both of you, you were never going to regret giving that part of yourself to him. 
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At the age of eighteen years old, you do the unthinkable.
You decide after a long and heavy conversation, you two were going to break up. You were both set to leave town to pursue your studies at your dream schools, and you felt that parting ways at this point was the better option.
While you two could figure out a way to make things work while half way across the world from each other, you had to take into account all the factors that would drive you two apart. The time difference, the long distance, the fact that you were inevitably going to meet new people, and that you simply did not want to hold each other back from experiencing a life without one another. 
Because all you’ve known almost your entire life was being with Seonghwa, and him with you. You knew it was only fair to give each other the chance to explore something new, and now was that time.
It wasn’t an easy decision by any means, and although it was an amicable split, you’ve never felt the pain of a broken heart before. It hurt really bad.
Your friends and family decide to throw you both one last goodbye party, wanting to celebrate this special milestone with you. And of course there was no way you and Seonghwa could pass up the last good night you two would have together as a couple.
The party was fun at first. The dancing, the singing, the laughing, and the endless exchange of pictures as you guys shared the last few memories you would have as high school graduates. 
But as the night started to creep in, you both realized that in less than 24 hours, you two would no longer be attached to one another like you had been for the last thirteen years. And after five years as a couple, you still couldn’t believe that your relationship would come to an end, just like that.
You hear the faint music in the background of your house, as you and Seonghwa sit in your backyard, gazing up at the stars.
“This fucking sucks.” Seonghwa sighs, resting his head on your shoulder as you lean your head on top of his. 
“I know.” your throat burns, suppressing the urge to cry. 
“I just didn’t expect this day to come. I never thought we would actually break up with each other.” he admits, and you nod your head in agreement. 
You grab onto his hand rubbing comforting circles onto his skin, and you feel Seonghwa’s body start to shake next to you. You don’t want to look at him because you know if you see him cry, you’ll cry too.
You close your eyes trying to control your heavy breathing and the quivering of your lips. Your eyes are watering but you refuse to let your tears slip, and your heart hurts like it’s never hurt before, and you don’t know if the pain will ever go away.
“Seonghwa I really love you.” your voice breaks and you finally let the tears fall.
“I know, baby.” the pet name has always affected you, but now more than ever it tugs at your heart strings in a bittersweet way. “I really, really love you too. Always.”
“You know you’re the love of my life right? You’re always going to be.” you state and he delivers a squeeze to your hand in acknowledgement.
“And you’ll always be mine.” he answers back. “You’re my best friend in the whole world and the last five years with you as my girlfriend will forever be the greatest five years of my life. I will always stand by the fact that you are the best thing to ever happen to me.”
As you stare at one another with teary eyes, he knows you’re saying the same exact words to him. He doesn’t need to hear you say it, nor does he expect you to. Your eyes say more than enough to him.
You look down at the rose gold band around your finger and you realize how long you’ve kept it on, never once taking it off since that day Seonghwa gave it to you. “Do you want your ring back?” you utter, your eyes watering once more.
Seonghwa shakes his head. “Please keep it. Because I still mean it. And I always will. I’m gonna love you forever, y/n. Even if you decide to take it off, if that’s the last reminder you have of how much I love you, then please keep it.”
Your heart is hurting, and the tears seem never ending as they continue to fall down your cheeks. “I don’t want to leave you Seonghwa.” a sob escapes from your lips, and Seonghwa squeezes your hand again.
“I know, baby but you have to. You’re going to the school you’ve dreamed of going to since you were in the fourth grade. You’re going to accomplish so much and a build a great life for yourself, y/n. And even though I won’t be physically with you, I’m always going to support you every step of the way.” he assures.
You knew in a perfect world you two didn’t have to break up. But long distance was a bitch, and you moving across the world was never going to be easy on him. You couldn’t force each other to wait for the other. Not when the both of you had to start a whole new life separately. You had to let each other go.
You turn to face him, your teary eyes staring into his own. “I’ll always support you too, okay? No matter what. I want you to make the most of your time in Seoul, study hard, surround yourself with good people and have the most fun you’ve ever had. You’re gonna make so many friends and pursue the career you’ve always wanted and experience new things that you’ve never done before. And most of all, you’re going to meet a girl and love her just as much as you loved me. And you’re gonna fall in love all over again, and just be happy. Just promise me that you will make the most of your time over there and live your life to the fullest. Don’t look back, don’t wait for me. Just live until I get to see you again.” your voice breaks. “And if somehow we find our way back to one another, then just know everything we did up to that point was worth it.”
Seonghwa lets out a sob and nods. “I promise.” his voice breaks and you pull him in for your last goodbye kiss.
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At nineteen, you visit your hometown for Christmas, which was the first time you’d be back in a year and a half. 
Having missed out on the chance to visit last year with your busy schedule, you made sure not to pass up the chance to see your family and friends. The more you grew accustomed to your new home you managed to find a good balance between school, work, and your personal life, so you found that this year was finally a good time to return back for a visit.
And there was no better time to come home than for Christmas day.
“Yeah, just landed at our layover and waiting for the next flight.” you say to your mother over Facetime.
“That’s great honey, I’m so excited to see you.” she smiles at you and you return the gesture. 
“I missed you mom.” you say.
“And I missed you even more.” 
You two continue conversing amongst one another, as she filled you in on all things you missed while you were gone before a voice interrupts your conversation.
“Hey babe, here.” Juyeon says, handing you a coffee as he presses a small kiss to your forehead.
“Oh thank you.” you murmur with a small smile as your boyfriend sits down next to you.
“Oh hey miss y/l/n!” Juyeon greets seeing your mom’s face plastered on your screen.
“Juyeon!” she squeals excitedly. “I can’t wait to finally meet you in person instead of over video chat. It was about damn time.” she states and you and your boyfriend chuckle. You hand him your phone allowing them to talk with one another and you smile fondly at the newfound bond between Juyeon and your mother.
“I know, I can’t wait to meet all of you guys too! I know y/n’s been really excited, it was all she could talk about for the last three weeks.” he teases. “And she says you make really good pie so i am definitely looking forward to that.”
“That is such an understatement, I make the best pie.” she scoffs. “And I made one specifically for you.” your mother beams.
After a few minutes of playful banter exchanged, Juyeon hands your phone back to you. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom before we board, I’ll be back.” he excuses himself and you nod in acknowledgement. 
“Oh y/n, I just thought I should mention Seonghwa and his family are coming over for Christmas dinner as well.” your mom says and the sheer mention of his name as your heart beating in your chest.
“Oh he’s back in town too?” you ask casually and she nods.
“Yup, he’s also bringing his girlfriend.” she adds.
“That’s great, I’m really happy for him.” you say with a smile.
And you meant it, truly. 
You knew of his girlfriend from the few photos he posted of her on instagram, and he seemed genuinely happy. Aside from his newfound love, he was clearly enjoying his time in Seoul like you had hoped, and it was everything you wished for him. 
You two hadn’t really spoken over the last year, and it wasn’t really on purpose, you two just kind of drifted, as expected. You two were starting fresh in an unfamiliar place, and you both were finding your way around your new homes. You two were also preoccupied with school, and meeting new people so it was sort of inevitably really that you two grew apart. Of course there were the few times you two would chat, but it never lasted long due to time differences and busy schedules. 
Although you missed him immensely, you were beyond happy for the life he started for himself, and you knew he was happy for you too. He did exactly what he promised you the last night you spent together, and that was enough to make you happy.
“Flight 219 now boarding.” the announcer calls and Juyeon meets you right on time.
“Okay mom, that’s us. I’ll see you in a few hours, bye, love you.” you bid your farewell before hanging up, and Juyeon grabs your hand leading you to the gate.
“Ready to go home?” he smiles at you, and you beam excitedly, nodding your head.
As the days pass leading up to Christmas, you spend all of your of time with your family and friends, using every second to catch up with your loved ones. You find that Juyeon is adapting well to your home life, bonding with your father and making your mother love him even more than she already did. You introduce him to your childhood friends and he instantly wins over Mingi, Hongjoong, Yunho and Jennie. You admire how much of an effort he put into forming a friendship with them because he knew how much it meant to you.
You were thankful really, to find a guy who was almost perfect for you.
But still, in the back of your mind, even though you loved Juyeon beyond belief, you knew Seonghwa would always have that special place in your heart.
On the day of Christmas, you and Juyeon set the table as you await the Park’s arrival. You were slightly nervous, obviously, given the fact that you had not seen Seonghwa in over a year and you would be meeting his girlfriend. Although you were happy for him, you still felt anxious to see him and her, and you could only hope that she was good for him, because he deserved that much. 
Only a few moments later do you hear a knock at your door and your mother walks over to greet your longtime neighbours. Juyeon stands next to you as he wraps an arm around your waist comfortingly and you relax against him. 
You see Mrs. Park first as she walks inside, giving your mother a friendly hug. Mr. Park follows suit as he greets your mother and your father with a wide smile on his face.
And then you see him.
His hair is slightly darker and he does look a little older. But other than that his face is so familiar to you and your heart beats wildly in your chest as the two of you make eye contact. His face softens when he sees you and you deliver a small wave to him as he smiles. His girlfriend trails behind him and you take notice of how beautiful she was. You smile at her too and she returns the gesture and your heart kind of warms seeing how shy she is because you always kind of knew Seonghwa would pick someone similar to him.
“Oh my y/n, how long has it been!” Mrs. Park calls towards you and you hug her tightly. 
“I missed you!” you say to her and her arms wrap tighter around you.
“I missed you too, darling. And you look even more beautiful than the last time I saw you!” she compliments. “And who is this handsome man?”
“This is Juyeon, he’s my boyfriend.” you smile, and Juyeon shakes her hand.
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Park. Y/n’s talked a lot about your family.” he says politely.
“Y/n’s picked a good one, I see.” she winks playfully as you notice Seonghwa and his girlfriend make their way towards you two.
“Hey y/n, long time no see.” Seonghwa says and you almost melt at the sound of his voice. He pulls you in for a hug and you notice how he still wears the same cologne that you had bought him all those years ago.
“Yeah, it’s good to see you again.” you smile at him, and although it had been well over a year since you two last saw each other, there was no hint of awkwardness, just nostalgia.
“Oh, this is Juyeon.” you introduce and Seonghwa delivers a warm smile to your boyfriend, shaking his hand respectfully.
“Nice to meet you.” Juyeon smiles.
“It’s nice to meet you too, I’m Seonghwa. Y/n’s... childhood friend.” he decides to say.
“I know she’s mentioned you a lot in her stories.” your boyfriend acknowledges. “From all the things she told me you were one of the people I was looking forward to meet the most. You seemed really great to her.”
“I could only hope so. She was my best friend after all.” Seonghwa glances at you, and you know there’s a deeper meaning behind his words. “And you seem like a really great guy, so I’m glad she has good people in her life.” Seonghwa returns and you find it heartwarming how well their exchange is going.
You look at the girl beside your ex and she’s staring at you with gentle, curious eyes. “Hi, I’m y/n.” you smile at her, extending your hand out for her to shake.
“Rosé,” she beams at you and you don’t even really know her but there was something about her that assured you she was good fit for Seonghwa. “I heard a lot about you as well, Hwa’s always talking about his life back home so I’m really glad I got to meet his best friend. You were really special to him.”
You smile softly. “I’m glad I got to meet you too.” you say.
“Okay, time for dinner everyone!” your father announces and you all take a seat at the table, passing over plates of food and catching up with one another.
“So Seonghwa, how’s Seoul treating you?” your mother asks as everyone turns their attention towards him.
“Uh really good actually,” he responds. “I joined a band actually! Uh, I became friends with these really nice guys. San and Yeosang. They basically recruited me after they found out I could sing and now we play at this local bar every week on Friday’s and Saturday’s. It was really good for me, I think. It helped with my stress and stuff. And that’s actually where I met Rosé.”
“That’s amazing.” your mother comments with a warm smile.
“Yeah he was really shy at first but San kind of forced him to talk to me which I was really thankful for because I was eyeing him for a while and was too shy myself to approach him.” Rosé says. “I still remember the night he asked for my number and he was stumbling over his words and I swear he looked like he was going to pass out.” she chuckles, and everyone at the table laughs along with her.
“Oh my god I know what you mean, he also cracks his fingers a lot and starts to turn really purple when he’s nervous.” you add and Rosé points at you nodding in agreement.
“Yes! I notice that all the time!” she laughs, and you can’t help but laugh with her.
“Trust me, I have the most embarrassing stories of him when we were kids.” you say.
“Oh god, you have to tell me all of them.” Rosé giggles.
“Obviously, we have the whole night for that.” you wink at her, and you realize how easy and natural it was to talk to her, and that confirmed that you indeed really liked her. 
Seonghwa watches the exchange between you both, and as you two make eye contact with each other, a small smile appears on his face as you nod at him, silently approving of the girl he chose to bring home for this special day. His heart grows full seeing how well the two of you got along, and he’s forever grateful at how amazing of a person you were that you were so willingly to form a friendship with his new girlfriend.
Although he loved Rosé dearly, there was still a piece of his heart where he’d always love you. And that piece grows a little more when he realizes how you continue to support him, even through this unconventional situation. 
Seonghwa decides he’s going to do the same for you, because just like you were happy for him, he was happy for you too. 
Of course he was glad you found someone who could put a smile on your face like he once did, and he knows that for you to have willingly dated Juyeon, he had to have been just as great as you were. You always had the best judgement of people.
“So Juyeon, how’d you and y/n meet?” Seonghwa asks genuinely and he notices the way his face lights up at the mention of your name.
“We had a lot of mutual friends and they introduced us. It’s funny actually, I could tell y/n didn’t even really like me that much at first, she was always so disinterested when I would try and talk to her.” Juyeon laughs.
“Probably stressing too much about trivial things.” Seonghwa chuckles.
“Yeah she does that a lot, so overly anxious all the time” Juyeon notes, and Seonghwa agrees. 
“Hey,” you interrupt and Juyeon apologizes.
“Sorry babe,” he chuckles. "but yeah, I finally sweet talked my way to get her to go out on a coffee date with me and then the next day she asked to go out for lunch after our lecture. We kind of just ended up hanging out more often and well, the rest is history I guess.”
“That’s great, I’m really glad she found someone that makes her happy.” Seonghwa smiles, and you feel a sense of gratitude towards him.
The rest of the night your families converse with one another and share a few drinks, as you and Seonghwa share old stories with Juyeon and Rosé. If you told yourself three years ago that you would be sitting by the fireplace on Christmas day with you and Seonghwa as exes exchanging stories with your new lovers, you would’ve never believed it. 
But you don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. In fact you’re immensely grateful that despite not being as close to Seonghwa anymore, you were able to see each other grow and adapt with your new lives. A life where you made new friends and made new memories. Where you tried things you’ve never tried before, and explored new places. And where you could love other people and still be so insanely happy for one another. 
This was a good thing.
At one point during the night the two of you find yourselves alone, a comfortable silence filling the room as you stared at the fire in front of you, basking in its warmth.
“I missed you.” Seonghwa is the first to break the silence.
“I missed you too.” you return. “And I’m really happy for you, you know?” 
“I’m really happy for you too, y/n.” Seonghwa smiles at you. “And I really like Juyeon. He seems really great, and he makes you happy, I can see it. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”
You hum in acknowledgement. “And I think Rosé is amazing. She’s perfect for you. And I’m forever grateful that you two have each other. I know we’ve drifted over the last year, but you’re still my best friend in the whole world. And even though I don’t say it often, or even out loud, I’m supporting you through everything. As long as it makes you happy that’s all I care about.”
His heart warms at your statement and he locks eyes with you. “And you know I’m always supporting you too. Seeing you happy and thriving is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. It’s all I want for you.” he states.
Neither of you have to say it, but you know this is your unspoken way of saying that you both still loved each other greatly. You still stood by the fact that Seonghwa was, and always would be the most important person in your life, and you in his. Seeing one another content and happy despite not having each other around anymore, was the one thing that mattered to you both. The maturity and support you continued to show was only because of the immense love you have, and have always had for one another. 
The kind of love that lets you give up the person you love the most so they can have a better life without you. 
And the kind of love that’s okay with it.
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At twenty-one years old, you and Seonghwa meet again.
It’s during one of your breaks where you find yourself extremely homesick. You don’t even give your family a heads up until you’re outside your childhood home knocking at your door.
It was an impulsive decision but it’s not like you were currently in school. You had the time and the money, and you missed your hometown so incredibly bad that it only took you one second to make that decision to come back.
“Coming, one second!” you hear a male voice call behind the door and your eyebrows furrow in confusion.
“Well, that’s is definitely not my mom, or dad.” you say to yourself. “Did they move out without telling me or something-” your internal conversation is cut short as the door swings open and you’re greeted by an unexpected figure.
“Y/n?” the boy says in surprise.
“Seonghwa??” you say even more confused. 
“Who’s at the door Seonghwa?” now that’s your mother’s voice you hear and she gasps as she walks over to the door. “Y/n! Oh my god why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?!” she pulls you into her arms.
“Surprise.” you chuckle. “I kind of sort of felt really homesick and impulsively bought a plane ticket last night so I could fly back so... here I am.”
“Well come settle in! Seonghwa was just helping with some renovations in the house but I’ll let you two catch up.” your mother grabs your luggage, carrying it up to your bedroom. “Go grab a coffee or something!” she yells upstairs.
You look over to Seonghwa and he shrugs. “Let’s go then.” he smiles and your heart swells.
The two of you walk comfortably beside one another as you take in the scenery around you, missing the familiar place you once called home. 
“I didn’t know you were back in town too.” you say after a few moments of silence.
“Yeah, it was pretty impulsive too actually.” he admits as he looks at you. 
“What was your reason?” you ask curiously.
“Break up.” he states and your mouth falls open.
“Wait, you and Rosé...” 
He nods. “Yeah, things just kinda, fizzled out. You know, we grew apart, wanted different things, came to a point where we were in different stages in our life.”
“Oh wow.” is all you say. “I’m sorry to hear, she was really sweet. I really liked her.”
“Yeah, she was,” Seonghwa sighs. “I mean, we ended on good terms. We’re still friends, actually. I don’t even think I’m necessarily sad about it to be honest, it’s just different, you know? Like I know we weren’t even dating for that long, like two and a half years at most. But I just got so used to being around her and spending so much time with her, and then things just weren’t really the same after a while. It just felt odd not having someone. And being alone made me miss everything I had here so I came back.”
You nod your head in understanding. “Yeah, I totally get what you mean.”
Seonghwa raises his eyebrow at you. “You mean... you and Juyeon too?”
“Mhm,” you hum. “I think for us we just realized we were better off as friends than as a couple, you know? Like after a while the attraction kind of went away and we were only really together because it was comfortable. And we didn’t want to stay together if we weren’t in love anymore, it wouldn’t have made sense. The break up was easy and it felt right when we ended things, I kind of wish it happened sooner but, I was still thankful for the time we spent together. He is still one of my best friends so I’m grateful for that at least.”
“That’s good.” he smiles softly. 
“Hey at least we both can confidently say we have a track record of smooth break ups, right?” you joke lightheartedly.
“Thank god for that.” Seonghwa says with a laugh.
When you two enter the coffee shop you’re once again hit with a feeling of nostalgia as you think of all the times you, Seonghwa, and your friends would spend most days after school, drinking hot chocolate and eating pastries together as you all talked for hours and hours.
“I’ll get our usuals, you can wait by our spot.” Seonghwa offers, and you nod making your way towards your designated table. 
The moment you sit down you’re hit with a wave of flashbacks you shared in this very space, and a small smile creeps onto your face as you look back on all the old memories. 
After your brief moment of reminiscing, Seongwha sits across from you handing over your cup. 
“Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss home until you’re actually back in all the places you grew up in,” you note as you take notice of the small engraving in the corner of the table marked with yours and all your friends’ initials. Your fingers ghost over the mark and when you look up at Seongwha you see that he’s also eyeing the engraving. 
“I remember when we put that there,” he recalls with a smile. “After five years of coming here and sitting at this same exact table with our friends we claimed our ownership by putting that stupid engraving that took us forever to do. As if that stopped people from sitting here anyways.” you both chuckled.
“Well at least Jennie and Hongjoong were brave enough to kick out the people who stole our spot.” you laugh.
“Yeah,” Seonghwa smiles fondly at the memory. “I still remember the days where Mingi and Yunho would bet the barista on how many butter croissants they could eat in one sitting so we could all get a supply of free hot chocolate for a year.”
“And it was only after Mingi threw up everywhere that it turned out all we had to do was ask her, and she would’ve done it anyways because we were regulars here.” you finish with a soft chuckle.
A comfortable silence fills the air as you two reminisce on the old memories of your teenage years.
“Can I ask you something?” Seonghwa says.
“Of course.”
“When you finish university,” he starts. “What are you gonna do afterwards? Like do you plan on living abroad permanently? Or are you gonna come back home?”
You pause for a second. “Honestly, after the first year there, I fell in love with the city. And I truly was planning on starting my life there and making that my permanent home, ‘cause I had Juyeon, and I had my new friends, I had jobs lined up for me after graduation, and just an overall great home.” you say. “But after splitting up with him, and sitting with the fact that I was constantly homesick, I kinda realized that this is my home, you know? Like, no matter how much I loved my new friends, and loved the city, it would never be as special to me as here. Nothing over there compared to everything I have here. And I knew you were gonna come back from Seoul after graduation, and Jennie and Yunho were gonna come back from New Zealand too. And Mingi and Hongjoong, and the rest of them were all still here... I didn’t want to be the only one gone. All my real friends are here, my family’s here... you’re here. I didn’t want to leave that all behind.” you exclaim and Seonghwa’s face softens.
“I’m really glad honestly.” he responds. “Because I missed you a lot. And it would’ve really sucked to know you weren’t gonna be here anymore when I moved back. I just really miss spending time with my best friend.”
Your heart skips a beat. “Well, you have the next two weeks to do that.” you smile up at him.
“I have an idea.” his eyes light up and you raise an eyebrow at him. “Do you wanna have a sleepover tonight? We can have a move night and order take out like the good old times.” he grins at you.
“You had me at sleepover.” you say with a smile and so he grabs your hand, pulling you towards the exit.
When Seonghwa lets you into his house you almost forget the fact that you haven’t been inside in almost three whole years. This was practically your second home and you found comfort in the fact that nothing really changed since you last saw it. Everything looked almost exactly how you remembered it, minus the new couch and dining table, and a few new paintings hung up on the walls.
“Your mom didn’t change much over the last few years.” you observe.
“Yeah, she was going to do a whole renovation like your mom, and she even planned a whole design out, but she opted out last minute. She said she wanted me to come back home to something I remembered.” Seonghwa answers. “I didn’t get why at first but it only started making sense to me the more I started visiting and realized this was like my safety net.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.” you say.
You and Seonghwa walk upstairs to his bedroom, and of course nothing changed inside either. It almost seemed like it had been untouched aside from the fresh bedsheets and clean floor. You notice the small picture frames neatly placed across his dresser table and you realize most of them are pictures with you. You pick one frame up as you remember the day so clearly. A faint smile forms on your face as your fingers ghost over the photo.
“I asked my mom to put those up again recently.” Seonghwa states from behind you. “I was gonna put more with our friends but I realized we didn’t take many with them. They were mostly just of us two. I hope you don’t think it’s weird.”
You shake your head. “No, of course not. I would never think it’s weird.” you say, placing the frame back onto his dresser.
Seonghwa tosses you one of his shirts and a pair of your old shorts that you always left at his house during your impromptu sleepovers. And suddenly you’re once again hit with a wave of nostalgia. 
“What do you wanna do?” he asks and you flop onto his bed with a deep exhale.
“Let’s just lay here for a second.” you say pulling him down next to you. “I just wanna remember everything that I missed while I was gone.” 
Seonghwa settles beside you and you can’t help your racing heart as he inches closer to you. As you lay next to one another looking up at the ceiling, your breathing relaxes and you revel in the feeling of just being so comfortable and at so at home. 
“You don’t know how much I missed this,” Seonghwa whispers next to you. “even though we haven’t seen each other in years and we don’t talk as much anymore, when I’m with you it’s like we never even left each other. Like we just pick up right where we left off. You’re the one person who’s always brought me comfort and I never feel like we have to force things with each other, no matter how much we drifted.”
You feel heat rise to your cheeks and suddenly the room feels so much warmer. Your heart beats fast and you realize how much of an effect Seonghwa still has on you after all these years.
“I think about you everyday, you know that?” you confess, turning your head to look at him. “Every time I’m out somewhere there will always be little things that remind me of you. And I think about all the places in the city I would take you, and the places I know you would love. I think about all the things you would tell me when I was feeling down, and how you would react to certain situations as if you were right there beside me the whole time. I miss you all the time.”
You both stare at one another and your eyes flicker back and forth to his lips and when you look into his own eyes you notice him doing the same. After a moment of just staring into each other’s eyes, unsure of what to do next, Seonghwa pulls you towards his face and kisses you, and the feeling absolutely overwhelms you in all the good ways.
It’s far from soft and sweet, instead heavy and messy, and so intense that your chest burns with desire. You don’t dare pull away from him even when you needed to catch your breath, because the feeling of his lips on yours after all these years intoxicates you and has you yearning for more. He’s pulling you closer to him and you feel like your body is on fire. 
Seonghwa rolls on top of you and your bodies mould perfectly with one another, as if you were both the two missing pieces of a puzzle. You can’t exactly describe the feeling but it’s overwhelming and very reminiscent and brings you back to all the times with Seonghwa that brought you so much happiness years ago. It’s a feeling you didn’t know if you would ever feel again and you missed it more than anything.
The ache between your legs becomes overwhelming and before you know it you’re begging him to touch you, and without any hesitation he does. Your bodies press tightly against each other and your desperate need for him only grows the moment he grinds down on you. 
The next thing you know, you’re both unclothed and fully exposed to one another, and you see each other in your most vulnerable states for the first time in years. When he finally pushes himself inside you the pleasure is significantly magnified as the fire inside you only intensifies at the feeling of him.
It happens quick at first but Seonghwa decides he wants to take his time with you. Like you, he didn’t know if he would ever feel you in this way again and he was going to use every second with you that he could.
You don’t know how much time has passed but by the end, you both are exhausted and sore, and panting heavily next to each other. It’s dark outside and the room is warm and even though you’re both sweaty and gross, you haven’t felt this good in a long, long time. 
“Was that okay?” Seonghwa asks, pulling your naked body into his arms.
“Yeah,” you say with a small smile. “It was perfect.”
So you lay in each other’s embrace for a while and your heart feels warm and fuzzy, bringing you an endless amount of comfort. You feel content at this very moment, and your worries are pushed to the back of your mind as you fall asleep soundly together.
It’s only at 2 o’clock in the morning do you wake up in a haze and through your fatigued confusion does your brain recall the events that took place a few hours ago. Unable to make out your surroundings in the darkness, your eyes widen not knowing if what happened earlier really happened. When you attempt to sit up you feel a pair of arms wrapped securely around your waist and your body relaxes. Soft snores escape Seonghwa’s lips and you snuggle closer to his body to feel his warmth.
It dawns on you that you still are very much in love with Seonghwa, and of course deep down you knew that you always would be. You also knew given the chance (like now) your feelings would resurface because well... they never really left in the first place.
The unknowingness of this outcome has you shifting in your spot and anxiety creeps in as you think of leaving him all over again. Because after tonight, you don’t know if you can bear the thought of parting ways with him and returning to your life abroad where you can’t tell him exactly how you feel.
You don’t realize right away that Seonghwa has woken up next to you and he only does so because of your constant shifting. It’s when he delivers a gentle squeeze to your waist do you finally take notice.
“Are you okay?” his voice his deep and tired and the sound is enough to make your heart beat fast.
“Yeah.” you reply unconvincingly, but Seonghwa has known you all his life and was also the one to date you for five whole years. He knew you better than you probably knew yourself so in an instant he could tell there was something bothering you.
“What’s on your mind?” he asks.
Your back is leaning against his chest, and you can feel his soft breathing on your neck, and instinctively he starts to rub small circles on your arm knowing that was the one thing that could calm you down.
“It’s stupid.” you say, your voice is quiet and laced with a hint of embarrassment.
“Do you regret what we did?” Seonghwa asks and you’re quick to shut down his claim.
“No! No, of course not.” you return. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?” 
You exhale, letting out a heavy sigh. “Seonghwa I still love you.” it’s almost inaudible to him but he knows he heard you correctly. 
He lets out a soft sigh and a smile smiles forms on his face.
“I still love you too, baby.” and when you hear him call you by the name you loved so much, you feel like you’re going to melt in his arms. “I always would remember?”
Your eyes start to water because it’s been so long since you’ve been able to say that to him, and to hear him say those same exact words back to you has a weight lifting right off your shoulders that you didn’t even know was there.
“Why’s that upsetting you?” he questions and you feel him press soft kisses to your shoulder.
“I don’t want to leave you all over again.” you admit. 
He sighs next you and attempts to pull you even closer, if that were possible.
“Well we’ll spend the rest of the time we have together and enjoy every second of it. And after graduation we’ll come back home and we’ll pick up right where we left off like we always do.” Seonghwa tries to reassure you and you shake your head, sniffling.
“That’s not what I mean...” you say. “I mean that I don’t want to go back and not be with you. I don’t want to wait out till graduation and know that we aren’t together because I don’t think I can. Not after tonight.”
It clicks in Seonghwa’s brain and he knows exactly what you mean, and so he decides now’s the time to ask you what he’s been wishing to ask you for so many years. He knows he wasn’t supposed to wait for you, but he always knew he would.
“You don’t have to then.” he states.
“I don’t?”
“Do you want to get back together?” he asks and your heart almost stops. “I mean we only broke up ‘cause of the distance right? And we both fulfilled our promises to each other that we would experience a different life and learn what it was like to not be together. We’re in our last year of uni, we’d only have to be apart for a few more months and then we’ll both be back home in no time, permanently. We would never have to be apart again.” he reasons with you.
And it did make complete sense. He was right in every way, so in truth, there really wasn’t anything stopping you from being together again. You don’t have to think much about it because the decision was already made deep down. You knew you wouldn’t hesitate to be with Seonghwa again if you had the chance, and now was that chance.
You turn to face him and even though you two can’t see each other, there’s a small smile painted on both your faces and you lean in to press a kiss to his lips. 
“Okay, let’s get back together.”
So at twenty-one years old, you and Seonghwa officially reconcile, and spend the next two weeks together like you planned, catching up on everything you did while you two were apart.
And just like he said, it was like you two never left each other.
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And now, at twenty-two years old, Seonghwa pops the question.
And you finally marry him.
"Family, friends, and all loved ones. We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Y/n and Seonghwa. We stand here to support this couple and share the joys of their love and commitment as they solidify this partnership, choosing to spend the rest of their lives together.” 
“Through this marriage you make a lifelong promise to one another to always love, respect, trust and honor each other through anything, and everything. You promise to stay committed, and loyal, and most importantly, share your dreams, your happiness, and your sorrows with each other.” 
“From today, and this moment on, you will forever be united as one.”
You stare at Seonghwa and your heart beats hard against your chest as you stand in front of him watching his eyes light up and his smile grow by the second. You feel like you’re in a dream and everything around you feels so surreal.
Your eyes scan the alter and you see your mother beside Mrs. Park, both of them clinging onto each other as tears of happiness running down their cheeks. Their smile is wide and filled with so much love and you knew this day was something the two have been waiting for, for as long as they could remember. 
You see Mingi, and Yunho, and Hongjoong, and Jennie, your best friends who witnessed every progression of your relationship with Seonghwa from the moment you two met. They’re all grinning from ear to ear and you can’t help but laugh as they silently cheer you on from the pews.
You see your dad, and Seonghwa’s dad, and both of your grandparents, and the entirety of yours and Seonghwa’s family joined together as they smile brightly at the two of you.
And then your eyes meet with Rosé and Juyeon as they mouth a “you got this!” to you and Seonghwa, delivering a thumbs up in your direction, and your heart kind of warms because even after splitting up, the friendship between you four remained and it was evident through their support on this special day.
When your eyes lock with your soon-to-be-husband his lips quirk up into a warm smile as you mouth out an “i love you.”
“Now Y/n, Seonghwa, please join hands” the officiant states.
"Do you, Park Seonghwa take Y/N Y/L/N to be your wife?” 
“I do.” he states softly, eyes gazing into yours.
"And Y/N Y/L/N, do you take Park Seonghwa to be your husband?”
“I do.” you respond beaming.
"Seonghwa, please repeat after me.” the officiant says. “I, Park Seonghwa, take thee, Y/N Y/L/N, to be my lawfully wedded wife.” 
“I Park Seonghwa, take thee, Y/n Y/l/n, to be my lawfully wife...” he repeats.
"...To have and to hold from this day forward...”
“...For better for worse...”
 “For richer for poorer...”
“...In sickness and in health...”
“...To love and to cherish...”
“...And to honour you all the days of my life...”
“Till death do us apart.” Seonghwa finishes and your eyes start to water.
“Now, Y/n, please repeat after me.” the officiant calls on you. “I, Y/N Y/LN, take thee, Park Seonghwa, to be my lawfully wedded husband.”
You exhale before repeating his words. ““I, Y/N Y/LN, take thee, Park Seonghwa, to be my lawfully wedded husband.”
"...To have and to hold from this day forward...”
“...For better for worse...”
“For richer for poorer...”
“...In sickness and in health...”
“...To love and to cherish...”
“...And to honour you all the days of my life...”
“Till death do us apart.”
As Jennie walks over to hand over the rings she smiles brightly at you, as the crowd watches you and Seonghwa each place the new band on your fingers, signifying the start of your lifelong commitment to one another. 
“Well! By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife!” the officiant shouts with a smile. “You may now kiss the bride!”
And without a second wasted Seonghwa pulls you in kissing you like he’s never kissed you before and the loud shouts and cheers in the background fills your ears as everyone hollers around you. And when you pull away you can’t seem to wipe the smile off your face as Seonghwa carries you out of the alter.
“Here’s to our new life together, Mrs. Park.” Seonghwa says with a grin as you kiss him once more.
“I love you so much.” you say.
“And I love you even more.” he returns.
So at twenty-two years old you know that you’re never going to stop loving Seonghwa, and that love was made permanent by the unity of your marriage. From the moment you declared him as your boyfriend at the age of six, to the years you spent learning everything together as a couple, growing apart and reuniting, you know that this was a rare kind of love to find, and one that had to mature and progress over a long period of time. 
And so you remember the words you said to him all those years ago the night you parted ways, “if somehow we find our way back to one another, then just know everything we did up to that point was worth it.”
Which stayed true four and a half years later, and for the rest of your life thereafter.
LA FIN.
590 notes · View notes
minjeongthinker · 3 years
Text
Jump Then Fall
(inspired by Jump The Fall by Taylor Swift obviously 😭)
warnings : none afaik >__<
genre : fluff !
word count : 2.4k
pairing : han jisung / oc (f)
ps . very messy bc i just wrote my thoughts ahead without sincerely thinking ++ hello Tumblr!
"Hey y/n!" you gasped in shock while docking over the countertop to prepare for your morning shift at the coffee shop you're currently working on when Jisung, the shop's owner's son, called your name in a deafening way while it's just almost 6 in the morning.
"Oh hey Ji what are you up to?" You tried so hard to hide the bubbly voice petrified that he'll notice that you're happy and jumping inside because he's actually here, in front of you.
Yup, you have unattended feelings for this man hiding inside your very heart although you don't bother talking it to him because you can't afford to lose the friendship you and him had built through the years. At least you're aware that he's not interested in you so you're convinced that this is better, that you're satisfied with him being your superman despite you two just being "besties".
"can't sleep... i think I'll just work with you on your shift then maybe we can sleep at my pad?" he played with his lips in a very cute way while he's clasping his fingers with each other signing that he's nervously not sure if you'll go with him 🤠 as if you two don't treat each other's apartment as their own too...
"oh poor baby, let's go then! my shift ends at 8:30 if that'll be okay with you?" he scooped your shoulder, wrapping both of his hands around your neck while he sniffes your hair as he happily jumps upon your approval.
"of course bub,, i got nervous at the thought that you're already tired of seeing my face.. let's go to work maybe?"
"alriiiight!!! ^____^" this time, you didn't hide the bubbly tune and smiled sweetly at him with his small gestures. He also smiled back at you, giggling and his gummies were showing so you hugged him absentmindedly while saying he's so cute to be him..
That was just a normal day between you two. Most of the time, you even thought the things you two are doing are lovers-like but you just shrug 'em thoughts off because you like it too so who are you to ask for more T^T
"Hey bubbles! Can I take the usual?" you looked up at the customer to know who just stated their order only to find Minho smirking and steadying his hands above the counter to see your face clearly. Minho is your blockmate and also your best friend, but you know the love you have for him will not exceed above platonic, very different when it comes to Jisung. Speaking of him, you both decided that he'll work on the coffees while you take the counter.
"Oh Minmin good day! Sure you can! what brings you here though? as far as i am concerned, you don't wanna walk through cafes just to have your coffee?" You talked to him while not looking back and punching whatever that needs to be punched on the counter.
"I just wanna look at you pretty, is it too much to ask?" You giggled, knowing how un- serious he was because you do know he's not the type to date and step things up with people he considered as family.
"Sure it's not Min, take a look all you want!" You moved your head from side to side while posing different angles to add light to the situation. You both laughed off until you hear a mini smash on the kitchen which makes you hush and run there aggressively, leaving Minho concerned in front of the counter.
"Jisung what the fuck was that?" You saw the kitchen perfectly fine, Jisung being sloppy with his movements, and a pan which looked like it was intentionally banged just to create a huge noise.
"Oh.. nothing, nothing.. sorry to disturb your flirting sesh y/n, you can now go back, it's perfectly fine here..." he didn't even bother to look at you, continued the coffee he was making, though his movements were still sloppy as it was when you entered the room. You got scared because he might be mad about you chitchatting while at work and even misunderstanding what you did with Minho earlier. "Uh.. first of all, i am not flirting,, and uhm second, i hope it's really fine here, yeah? I.. i'm so sorry.." you hated your voice for shaking at the last phrase so it made him look at you, now with worried eyes.
"It really is y/n, sorry..... uhm.. for the noise." Though the coldness, he still smiled at you reassuring you that it's really true this time. You can still see a glimpse of worry when he did a second look after getting his eyes off for the first time.
Him on the other hand felt extremely guilty when he saw your eyebrows meeting each other in a scared way, and your voice shaking made his heart break, as he never really saw and heard you like that while talking to him. He can't believe his jealousy made him do something petty that he knows he'll also regret later on.
You went back to the counter pouting and Minho was still there, distracting the customers behind him while waiting for you to arrive. He let out a deep breath when he saw you.
"Bub, i think your man is fucking jealous. Believe me this time, wanna bet?" he whisphered while you take other orders.
"Confess already y/n, he might— will act cold after this, talkin from experience.. and i too would leave a "so called bestie" that i like if she had found someone to love already.." he added.
"... including me?" you teased, though what he said had affected your senses because you know there isn't someone other than Jisung inside your heart.
"Shut up ma'am, i met you when you're already head over heels over jisung, and p.s, I don't want you, ew?" he teased as he feels the uneasiness after you going out from the kitchen.
"I think.. he's just plainly angry though, i'll talk to him later.. and.... try to confess.. you better be ready because i might crash to your apartment when things just get worse."
"Gotchu y/n! i better download movies so i can fix thy heart by then, just text me okai?"
Jisung overheard Minho's last sentence so he himself brought the coffee to him while glaring at him. "Thank you, Please go now!" He told Minho, almost pushing him outside.
Minho then grinned and winked at you before closing the cafe's door. Jisung didn't even look at you as he straight up returned to the kitchen.
It's 8:30 am and the workers for the next shift have arrived already, so you and Jisung are now on the locker room, folding both of your aprons as well as your caps. At this point, you aren't really sure if your sleepover would still push through considering his attitude towards you earlier.
You were suprised when he hang his hand on the air, waiting for yours to interwine when you had finished cleaning already, you didn't even notice him waiting for you as you are clouded with negative thoughts.
You grabbed his hand and you both walked to his car while nobody is still speaking.
"Ji.. uhm i need to... tell you something later." You finally broke the silent conversation you have been going through while you were arranging your seatbelt.
His eyes dropped and did a blink that shows his regret and a bit of weariness, he thinks he already know what you need to tell him. He then reached to your side as he memorized that you still don't know how to buckle your seatbelt when you're on the front seat.
"Sure thing y/n, be 100% comfy telling me things because i will always root for whatever that'll... make you happy." He smiled at you, wearily, and patted your head; you wondered why he's suddenly being nice and sad at the same time after the commotion earlier. Weird.
You both arrived at his apartment without talking to each other. Immediately going to his large couch, you had the sight of the blankets and pillows that were already there, as if he already planned it all beforehand. You just shrugged it off, thinking he just tried to sleep here earlier, no biggie.
Rain started to pour, the living room lights and the tv were turned off, making the windows beside you the only source of light that brightens the room. It made the place serene with the sound of the thunderstorms acting like the music from the vinyls playing at bright daylight.
You curled your body in a comfy way on the large couch, not bothering to wait for Jisung which is still not in the living room. Maybe you're just gonna talk to him later when you both woke up. You're gonna be rejected anyway.
Senseless thoughts had clouded your mind again, thinking what would you even do in this world if you don't have him anymore. Maybe you'll just drink everyday. Maybe you're gonna find someone in school, on a dating app, on Twitter. Maybe you're just gonna enter the convent. These thoughts made you dizzy and sleepy.
You're half asleep already when you felt his body spooning you from behind, cuddling you while sniffing your hair. Jisung wrapped his hands below your chest, gripping and hugging them tight as if it is the last time he's gonna hold you.
"you still awake?" he asked huskily, you hesitated to answer because he might let go if you did, so you stayed silent.
"you know, i kinda know this moment would come.." he started off, his breathes are getting slower as you feel them on you shoulder.
"i clearly know you'd fall for someone who you'd want to be with the rest of your life.."
"im... honestly not prepared for it.." your heart dropped. You weren't sure if he means something about this or he's just plainly concerned as your best friend.
"i cried in my room if you didn't notice why i was away suddenly... I can't let go of you, pumpkin.."
You seriously don't know what was he talking about but when you felt your shoulders wet, you knew he was serious about it. You and Minho really do give different ideas to people..
"i hope that Minho boy would take care of pumpkin..." pumpkin.... something that helps people see better.. you make him see better ??
"she deserves so much care..."
"and affection.."
"and love..."
"and hugs..."
"and.. kisses.."
He's still sniffing while hugging you, this time tighter than he was doing earlier. The sound of his low sobs have mixed up with the rain drops as they hit the houses' roofs.
"i love you my pumpkin.."
"im sorry i blew up the chance to be the one to take care of you for the rest of your life.."
Tears started to run through your cheeks slowly, he had never addressed you pumpkin before, thinking about how he thinks of you as "his pumpkin" melted your whole existence apart and it just made you wanna cling and cry on his chest all day. You told yourself you're gna let go if he tells you he likes you right at that moment which you knew was never gna happen— that he's just saying this out of care and concern because afterall, you're his best friend.
"my pumpkin.."
"i like you so much if you still don't get it.. i wanna take you with old ji.. i wanna explore the world with you... everytime you shine, I'll shine for you.."
"i wish im just.. dreaming and th.. at when i wake up, my pumpkin would... say she wanna be with me too..." he sleepily says, his grip on your stomach is now loosening, making you able to move.
You moved while whining as if you're misunderstood. Tears started to flow like waterfall, they just don't stop. You faced his chest and tugged your leg on his waist as if he's the plushie you hug to sleep.
"ji.. what the fuck are you saying?" you cried on his chest like a kid begging her mother to take them with her wherever they were going.
Jisung didn't flinch at all, he just hugged you again, this time caressing your hair and rubbing your back as you let go of your tears on his chest... he has stopped sobbing, but you still feel him getting weak and sad through his breathes.. He thought about this as your good bye hug. That this'll be the last time he's gonna be within your embrace.
"baby,, you can tell me whatever that you wanted to tell me earlier now.." the huskiness didn't leave his voice, you're still sobbing and crying on his chest like you don't wanna stop at all.
"i can't... at this state i just.. wanna.. cry all day.. while hugging you.. " you struggled to say 'em words while crying so hard.
"shhhh, hush baby, you'll just hurt me more if you don't stop.. please stop... crying... i might act carelessly and steal you from whoever has got my.. pumpkin's heart..." he said, almost a whisper.
"baby" you started..
"i wanted to confess.."
"i like you jiji.. for a very long time already.."
"i don't intend to hurt you at all by my tears, i just wanna cry it all out.."
"you have called me pumpkin for so many times and you expect me to be fine as i am??" you're still crying btw..
jisung flinched a little this time, thinking if he had heard those words right from you
"bunny, what did you say? i feel like im hearing things right now because of this desperation im feeling, fuck.. i wish i was hearing you right" he said, now hugging you tighter.
You really love how your body melts completely whenever he tightens the hug like he really don't want to let go of you, even for a single split of sec.
"pumpkin loves you too jiji.."
"im trying to confess and... i thought you'll just reject me so i didn't bother waiting for you earlier.."
"pumpkin didn't want anyone else babe,,"
"she just wanted your care.. your affection... your hugs.. your kisses.."
"pumpkin just wanted you.." you had stopped crying but you're now having hiccups while cooing onto jisung's chest.
"you don't have to sleep to hear them baby.."
"i wanna be with you too. everytime you smile, i'll smile too.. you can jump then fall here baby.."
"pumpkin will catch you wholeheartedly.." you finally looked up to jisung, whose eyes are watery again.
"i love you jisung", you whisphered and gave him a peck on the lips.
He was caught off guard, but he immediately got himself together.
When you let go and were on your way to return to his chest, he pulled your head again into a kiss—this time a deeper and longer one.
You both let go, running out of breath. He kissed the top of your head while you have returned to his chest, feeling and hearing each and every beat of his heart. You stayed together that way, you didn't hear anything from Jisung but you feel him so much and you know he's never gonna leave you anymore.
You didn't even notice you have slept for hours already while hugging him. You woke up and you're still at that exact position when you were a crying mess. It was nearly 5 pm and you still don't have the energy to let go from his embrace. You really meant it when you said you wanted to cling onto his chest all day.
You moved upwards a little bit to level your face to Jisung's while he's still sleeping. You caressed his temples down to his chin, admiring his cheeks that you have been wanting to bite since then, and you kissed each and every mole, which you loved the most. They were stars to you, making your eyes gleam in awe every single time you try to look at them. You have hoped you were his lover from your past lives— that you were the one who kissed him the most on those particular parts of his pretty face.
"You're so pretty to be pumpkin's man, jiji" you said and giggled, as if he was gna hear you.
You were caught off guard when he pulled you carefully to his chest, rubbing your back again.
"She loves to be called pumpkin huh?" he cheekily said, despite his voice being still husky.. you didn't know he was awake already. Was he just waiting for you to wake up then?
You tied onto his body for the nth time.
"s-she does.. i guess.. ?? and she.. wants to hug you longer.."
You heard him chuckle and wiggled both of your bodies together as if a kid who's happily playing with his teddy bear.
Your breathes steadied, Jisung had finally processed every word that came out from your mouth, finally jumping to fall into you.
"The moon will be pretty tonight, y/n." he cooed. You find it amusing how he don't flinch at all despite you clinging onto him for almost 9 hours now.
"I love you too, Jisung.."
6 notes · View notes
ivyuns · 4 years
Text
love me in a year ✰❆♣♞
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bang chan
genre: angst, fluff 
word count: 2.4k
warnings: kidnapping, restraints, y/n gets pregnant, grinding, drowning, weapons, a bit suggestive. if i missed anything lol oops
A/N: another shet show + from 365 dni (the ending isnt exactly like the movie btw)
for my gurlieeeee + happy birthday to @stanstraykidswoo​ <3
masterlist
mafialeader!bangchan x fem!reader
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enjoying the summer breeze on the islands of hawaii, next to your friend made you feel relaxed. from all the work and stress you did, you finally earned yourself a vacation.
“babe!”
opening your eyes, you see your boyfriend (in a unhappy relationship) walks towards you. taking off your glasses and sitting up next to the pool, waiting what your boyfriend had to tell you. “i just got back from seeing the volcanoes babe! you shouldve seen it-” “we were supposed to go look at it together, dumbass” you cut your boyfriend off.
“w-wait y/n-” running away before he said anything, you got lost in a dark area. wasnt just sunny? seeing a group of guys look at you while trying to come closer. damn these outfits. your outfit consist of a short flowy, off the shoulder dress with heels. running with shaky legs, you looked around and saw everything get dark.
“are you lost babygirl?”
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waking up in a soft bed, you look over and look at the unfamiliar room youre in. “where am i?” you whispered softly. walking towards a door to the hallway, the door wont budge open. shaking the door knob, it still wont burst open. giving up, you go lay back down on the bed.
closing your eyes to relax, you hear the door unlocking. quickly putting on your heels, you open the door and see nobody. following to which ever door took you, it seem endless. the endless numbers of stairs and doors you went though, you came across to a massive painting of a portrait of yourself hanging on the dinning room’s wall.
“oh my god”
continuing to follow where your legs take you, you were yanked away from seeking to your freedom. “are you lost babygirl?”. feeling someones presence behind you, you see a man. someone who you never seen.
“who are you and what do you want from me” you say and slowly back away from him. “chris is the name. you see, five years ago, i saw you on a beach. then suddenly i got shot and all i could think was you. these pass five years, ive been trying to find you and now” chris pauses his sentence and walks to a cup of ice, making you suck on it. “now i have you”
spitting the ice out, you got angry. “so what? you think kidnapping me is some kind of way to have me?” chris gets angry after your tone of your voice you gave him. he pushes you on a chair and chokes you lightly.
“i will give you 365 days to make you fall in love with me. and if that doesnt work, i will release you.” chris slowly lets go of your neck and continues talking. “i promise i will not touch you without your permission.”
chris gets interrupt by his phone. reaching his pocket, he sees his mafia friend who works with him calling him for help in the front. running to where to meet him at, you gave a few minutes before running on your feet again, trying to escape.
finally outside with a big open field in front of you, where you will be free. running, you stop midway as you see chris kill a man. witnessing what happened, you pass out due to pressure from everything.
-
the next morning, you wake up in the same room before but a whole different dress on you and a shirtless chris sitting in a chair in front of you. “let me out of here now” you shouted at him. “i need to get back to my family, my boyfriend!”. “you really think he still loves you? take a look at this” chris says and throws a small stack of pictures. pictures of him fucking another girl.
“a-are you serious?”
“yes im serious. oh and we’ll be leaving this place tomorrow. be ready” chris says and exits the room. “where are we going?” you quickly grab his wrist and stops. “to australia”
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landing and going to the hotel. chris stops you and gives you the keycard to your room. “my room is next to yours if you need me”. nodding your head a yes, you enter your room and place your bags down and sighed. what is happening right now.
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chris walks out of his room to see you look like a goddess. “y/n” chris calls out. turning around, chris grins with his dimples showing and grabbing your hand to head to the place you two are meeting with. chris opens the passenger door for you and makes his way to the drivers seat after youre in. while driving, he places his hands on your thigh, making you want more of him. avoiding his hand, you close your eyes.
arriving at your destination, it turns out to a bar. entering the bar, chris leads you to a room. seeing people, you hide behind chris bc youre antisocial as fuck
“y/n, this is aeyeong. ayeong meet-” “y/n. yes i know her name” aeyeong says, looking at you then back to chris, seducing him. “you know y/n, me and chris used to talk.” walking up to you. “and fucked each other” aeyeongs whispers into your ear. feeling chris wrap his hands around yours, you push him away and left the room.
“this happened a long time ago-” feeling tense, chris was about to turn and find you til aeyeong grabbed his wrist. “i thought you said we would last forever hm? took you long enough to find her. even of all our messages.” aeyeong grabs her phone and pulls up their naked bodies in photos. sexting.
“enough aeyeong.” chris grabs her phone and throws it onto the floor. running out of the room to look for you, leaving aeyeong to laugh.
-
“mr bang!”
chris turns around and sees his partner running to him. “y-y/n. shes with aeyeongs boss. i just got a call from him-” “shut the fuck up and tell me which room” “room 325.”
chris runs to room 325 and sees you grind on the boss. “y/n” chris growls. not paying attention to chris, you feel aeyeong’s boss grope your ass and suddenly putting a knife towards your neck.
suddenly feeling someone pull you away from the man and unable seeing things, chris and the rest of his members pulls out their weapon.
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opening your eyes and see yourself on a yacht, you walk around and find chris. seeing chris talk shit about you to his other partner. “she just really had to run away-”
“im sorry chris” you spoke out. chris turns around and tells his partner to leave for a moment. “this is all your fault. youre the one who left the room and potentially tried to seduce him. do you not know what he couldve done?”
arguing on the boat and heading to the railings, you slip off and fall into the water. panicking, chris falls into the water and saves you. taking you out of the water and goes to lay you down on the bed and stands by your side.
a few minutes later, you wake up with water coming out of your mouth, coughing. chris turns around and goes to you with worried eyes. “y/n, i-im sorry. please dont leave me, i need you” chris softly says and strokes your hair with tears starting to fall down his cheeks.
lifting your weak hands up to caress his cheeks, you pushed him down and began kissing him roughly. regretting as soon as you saw the red in his eyes. “so now you want it?” chris growls and begins to attack you with kisses and hickies. feeling your clothes ripped away from you.
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a few weeks later, youre back in korea. chris leaves you for the day, saying he has business to attend to and will call you later. but hours flew by and still didnt have any calls. sighing, you call your best friend, minyeong who yells at you though the speakers after the first ring.
“are you kidding me y/n? you cant just leave me behind at hawaii?!”
“i know i know, ill explain if you come over”
after she hears you say the sentence, she hangs up and runs to your place. opening the door for her, she starts speaking nonsense and you just laughing at her.
“y/n, this is serious. stop laughing and tell me what happened.”
sitting down next to her, you tell her everything. even when you love him back. minyeong at first didnt like what chris did to you and what his job it, but you beg her for you to have happiness atlas. with minyeong wanting you to be the happiest, you two go to the bar.
feeling someones eyes on you, you told minyeong you were going to the restrooms as she continues dancing. almost at the door, someone slams you onto the wall. “y/n, baby. i missed you so much. im sorry-” feeling tears streaming as you remember the past events and pictures. you forced him to let go of you and run back to your place.
he follows you back to your apartment without you noticing and as you take a seat with his loud voice scares you. “baby please” he goes closer to you and tries to kiss you until a voice rang.
“im pretty sure she wants you to leave”
he looks at chris then back to you then slaps you. “you fucking whore. youve been cheating on me when you left me didnt you” shaking your head a no and the tears uncontrollably falling as you try to shield yourself from another slap.
receiving nothing, you look up and see chris holding his wrist to prevent him from hitting you. “if theres someone else who was cheating is you. now leave you fucker” chris whispers in his ears and runs away.
chris looks down and sees your shaking figure. he goes next to you and wraps his arms around you so you can start feel calm. reaching to that point, chris picks you up and lays you on the bed.
slowly kissing you from your lips to your chest. chris begins undressing you til you stop him. unbuttoning his top, you see the semi open wound from his business. grazing your fingers over it as you hear chris slightly whimper.
“chris, im in love with you”
chris smiles widely. “im in love with you too”. you two continue the heavy make out which turns into a passionate sex for you both.
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waking up with you on chris’ chest, you feel him showing a smile. he turns to the nightstand and grabs something small but worthy.
“y/n l/n, would you please marry me?”
nodding your head yes a bunch of times, you kiss chris on the lips.
-
heading back to hawaii, youre back into the palace where chris kept you in. waking up from your slumber, you go outside and talk to chris. chris sees you and tells his partner that he’ll be right back.
“hey hey babygirl, what happened? you alright?” chris leaves his seat to go to you as you start feeling shitty. “chris, i dont feel goo-” your eyes are shut closed and almost falls on the hard concrete til chris caught you.
“c-changbin! help!” chris yells out to whoever is out. your lips are slowly turning pale. changbin runs to chris with a blanket to cover your cold body and helps him carry you to the car. changbin speeds to the hospital with chris’ tears falling onto you, holding your hands and kissing the back of it. “please be okay, please please” chris whispers.
changbin parks at the emergency lot and chris grabs your body and puts you on the stretcher as the nurses sees you two. “please save her” the nurses all nodded their head and disappeared into the doors with a chris on the floor, sobbing his heart out, praying for you to be okay.
-
finally hours passed by and chris was left alone as he told changbin to go back to the palace. eyes all red and puffy with his legs shaking, full of anxiety. “mr bang?” the doctors call out chris. he stands up too quickly, making him almost loose his balance but the doctor helps him balance for a few seconds. thanking him, he follows the doctor to your room.
chris runs to your side as he sees your eyes open, with all type of wires attached to you. “y/n baby are you okay?”. nodding yes with a small smile, chris looks at the doctor.
“it looks like miss y/n was 1 month pregnant. and also looks like she wasnt taking care of herself either so mr bang, do y/n a favor and help not only her, but the baby”
you and chris nod your head, understanding as the doctor leaves you two. chris turns into his soft self. “i love you” he giggles. “i love you too chris”. scooting further away from him, you pat on the empty spot on the bed for him. chris smiles widely and goes to lay down next to you. you fall asleep from the warmth of your fiance as he hugs you. “and i love you too baby” he whispers and puts his free hand on your growing stomach. kissing your head and falling asleep next to the love of his life.
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END <3
140 notes · View notes
heleizition · 3 years
Note
I am just now finding out about your chosen one au and must know more
ok so i decided to copy paste everything i wrote to my friends when talking about it so its gonna be long Oups ... but it's the most complete ill ever be about it !
so this is set in a universe where gods, old and new are very present and usually they have humans serving them, regularly called chosen ones, every century or so. it's considered an honor and every sanctuary and gods have different missions for their chosen ones and it can go from taking care of the temple every week while being allowed to have their own life to go on a mission to erradicate evil. humans usually know that they are destined to be taken in by gods because of marks on their body, specific to the god(s) they'll serve. the mark starts to glow and guide them to where their god is waiting for them once the god decides they want them.
the story is set on an island stuck between two different temples. on the island stands gotham which is a strangely sunny city,  and then you have the deep sea in the bay, and the deep forest north of gotham. if gotham is mysteriously devoid of bad things, its because it's been giving every century a child to the old gods temple in the deep forest. and time is coming, soon, another one will go.
so here you have the wayne family, they mostly have the same backgrounds ? kind of ? cass's parents were mercenaries that went into the deep forest, where no one (haha) in gotham dares going due to fear of breaking the old gods protections, never came back, and left cass on her own in town. bruce adopted her. dick's parents were travelers on a ship that sailed not far from the island and while they did not survive, the gods in the deep see allowed dick to stay alive until he reached the coast. immm not quite sure of what happened to jason's parents yet but uh he's here and alive woo
damian is a bit of a mystery to most people. he was delivered to bruce's doorstep when he was only a few days old. what they dont know is that nine months earlier bruce went into the deep forest himself. 
so added to that is timothy drake. young boy of the drake family, the two parents who dont seem to care for him much. the boy is quiet but full of smiles and affection to give and when jason and cass drag him to the wayne estate after a day out, bruce opens his arms to him. he's a regular at the wayne house and a few days after he turns 11, he stops showing up. bruce's kids cant find him. the drakes dont seem disturbed by their missing son. and bruce knows the drakes by now, know they wouldnt give their affection to someone they knew would disappear, and bruce realises tim is gone, to the old gods in the deep forest. 
so tim, 11, wakes up sweating and his room lit up with a green light that he's never seen before but in dreams and he knows that it's time. he knows that this strange mark spreading across his back, shaped like a dragon, is glowing green. he's being called.
he moves by himself, not thinking, opens the door to his room and the one that leads outside and it's so fitting when he notices that his parents arent even home, that he'd leave without them caring. soon he's reaching the deep forest and for the first time in his life, when looking at the dark depth, he's not scared, and he walks on. 
tim walks and walks and there are eyes looking at him bu the soft green glow reassures him, and he knows where he should walk, and soon he's reaching a temple, strong stone and green plants and a setting sun carved on its floor, and there is a man - a god ? - walking out. and his eyes are glowing green like the mark he knows is glowing in his back, but it feels wrong, and when tim looks around again everything looks so much hostile, 
tim made researches on the deep forest temple, since he knew it was gonna be his future, and he knew that temple was supposed to host old gods who were dying, so why does it feel so wrong ?
tim approaches, despite himself, and waits for the man - god??? - to say anything. there is a hand, wrinkly and uncomfortable and cold, on his cheek, and tim looks up, and he's shivering when the god - he knows hes a god. he knows he is now. - speaks up.
"i am ra's al ghul. you were given to me to serve me. you will obey me in any way i see fit, and you are to never return to your human town." 
tim did make researches before he was taken. he knew that usually the child taken by the deep forest gods could travel to town without punishment. he knew that, with pattern, they were taken early, before they turned fifteen. he knew that he would most likely be lucky, have a mostly free life. he didnt know that a new god in quest of power had taken over, chained some of the old gods inhabiting the temple, killed others, simply for power and magic. he didnt know that he would be chained to a scary and cold temple, with a terrifying and powerful god that could turn him to dust on a whim. 
so thats basically,,, the intro ? the first part ?
so a few months after tim disappeared, it was jasons turn. 
jason, much like tim, had marks on his wrists and arms, long lines following his limbs. they're signs of being of the all caste temple, chosen one for those gods. for the ones in the deep sea. now these humans linked to temple in the sea are a bit different than the kind that tim was supposed to be. the all castes purpose is protection, and while there always is a human chosen for them, they're not always called for their purpose, in fact, no all caste chosen one had been guided to the temple in the deep see in generations.
however, one day, jason woke up, glowing white lines on his arms, told dick that he had to go to the sea, and disappeared for months.
jason doesn't remember going into the sea when he wakes up in the temple, doesnt know how he survived the journey there, but he's there, by the will of the gods, and he's informed of his purpose.
something hover over the island. something bad. it's already there, its root in the islands ground, and it must be killed. that will be jason's purpose. he doesnt know where. he doesnt know when. he knows it will happen.
so they train him. they give him the weapons and magic he will need to defeat the enemy. they want to protect the island and its inhabitant.
several months later, jason leaves again, with new knowledge and strength, and washes up on the beach, and dick finds him, unconscious. he brings him back to the wayne estate, where he tells his tale of sea gods and protection and prophecy where he is the hero.
years pass. its been about nine years since tim disappeared, since jason went to the sea temple for the first time. damian is 16 and damian wants answers from his father. he knows he's from the deep forest. he knows his mother is there. he wants to meet her, he wants to know her. but bruce never talks about her, never says anything about their meeting, like he was commanded not to, and damian decides to go against all beliefs he has grown with and he prepares. he will get in the forest. he will find his mother.
except jason know his little brother and he knows and sees him planning and on the night he leaves, jason is here, not stopping him, but ready to follow him into the forest. he has a feeling. something is there for him too .
so they travel in the forest, they're not really sure how to find damian's mother with how little bruce ever said about her, and they find creatures along the way, some of them recognize damian as one of their kin, which is how they realise damian's mother is either part god or part spirit, and jason as a god's messenger. they do not guide them, but they do not attack them. 
until they walk into a territory they feel they shouldnt have walked into
a small being with wings and claws attacks, telling them to not trespass, it's smaller than jason had been at 14, but it's furious and cold and it strikes right. and when jason finally looks up he's terrified to see that he recognizes the child in front of him. and its wrong, because tim should have been nineteen by now, but he doesnt look older than 15. 
finally the fight draws to a close when jason calls out for tim, a name he musnt have heard a lot, or not recently, not with care and not without an order behind it. tim stops. tim looks. he recognizes the boys in front of them, even if its been nearly ten years. after all they were two of the last humans he ever saw.
"you cant be here. you cant be here if he knows he will kill you and i cant let you die. please you need to go"
im not quite sur how they get tim to follow, or if they get in ra's territory, but they camp in a safe zone with tim, and tim tells them his story
[torture mention, non consensual body modification]
after ra's took him, he tortured him, he experimented on him. after all he was his first ever human tribute, to obey and be controlled at will, a toy for an immortal, and after many games of the new god, he settled on making tim a sentinel for his property, one that will age slowly and wont feel pain, a puppet with no strings but one that is scared of ra's power, enough that it will obey. jason and damian are Angry. something at the back of jason's head tells him that this ra's might have something to do with his own prophecy. 
so after that its more blurry but tim reacts strangely to damian, he's a bit scared of him and he figures out it's bc of his heritage, that he has links to ra's, and he leads them to talia who's half god half spirit and hidden deeper and deeper in the forest, away from her father, and it makes tim leave the territory he's supposed to guard, disobey ras, which makes ra's angy bc tim never disobey, not since the first few times when he was 12/13 and thought he would still get out,,,
so there is a bit of a final showdown w tim talia jason and damian facing ra's, ra's using his hold on tim to hurt him, and talia torn between her father and her son + tim who she's seen grow up from far away and who she feels she should have protected from ra's,, jason eventually has a one on one with ra's and the prophecy does happen and he kills ra's and angry old gods who were chained in the temple wake up and banish ra's soul from this realm.
they heal tim from whatever ra's did to him, with the promise that he will travel to care for the god's temple again, as his duty was supposed to be 
they all get back to gotham, tim still looks 15 but will grow to his real age within a few months, he has many scars and the mark on his back changed for a setting sun like what was carved on the temple's entrance, damian has his Mom, and jason is free from his all caste duty.
the end woooo this is over 2k long rip !! feel free to ask if u got more questions :0 !!
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jaeyunluvs · 4 years
Text
you’re mine - aron piper
Requested by @fashphotolife : yeah just like a hot jealous aron bc like ugh that’s probably hot 🥵Not really a specific request but just like a hot jealous aron Piper imagine
A/N: AHH I LOVE JEALOUS IMAGINES!!!!! Thank you so much for requesting! I saw many people doing the jealous interview thing, like buzzfeed interviews and stuff, it’s gonna be similar to that !
disclaimer: i don’t know any of these people personally, i made some characters up! english is my second language so please let me know if i have mistakes! :) also poor spanish, i’m sorry profesor
note: im sorry i used starbucks, pls don’t sue me that’s the only international coffee brand i can remember!  it’s unedited :))
word count: 1,5K
warnings: none but hot jealous aron is on his way ;) oh and crappy writing :’)
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gif creds to @piperaron​ - <3
“Y/N! Come on! We’re getting late!” Your boyfriend Aron warned you at the phone. He was downstairs, waiting for you. You were getting prepared for the live interview with the Elite cast, including you. 
“Okay, okay!” you said on the phone and closed. You wore a white elegant dress and kinda revealing but you didn’t mind cause you looked amazing. When you ran downstairs you saw a curly head in a car, looking in your direction.
“Wo-w, hola carina” He stared at you, breathless. 
“hi babe!” You get in the car and kissed him on the lips. He still stared at you so you decided to speak up.
“earth to Aron! you there?” you stared at his brown eyes filled with love. He blushed and looked away kinda embarrassed.
“Lo siento amor you’re just to beautiful!” Now it was your turn to blush. He giggled, placed a kiss your lips and started the engine.
You wanted to stop and get coffee on your way. Aron wanted to come to get coffee with you. It was your local starbucks shop.
“Do you remember our first date was here?” Aron asked. You glanced and felt the nostalgia. 
“You were super nervous I can’t believe how you changed so much.” You answered smiling. He managed to laugh.
“Maybe you’re the reason why I’m changed” He stared at you. You giggled at his cheesiness.
“Hi can I get your order?” You and Aron were interrupted by a good looking employee asking for your order.
“Hi, can I get a Latte Macchiato please?” you asked.
“What’s your name?” He asked, looked like smiling.
“Y/N” you said not caring enough.
“I like your name just a pretty name for a pretty lady” he said not caring about the guy next to him. 
You were taken aback by the compliment with saying a simple thank you without emotion but before you could say anything more, Aron pushed you to his side, can’t tell that you guys are dating because you weren’t public.
“Careful big guy, she has a boyfriend and I’ll kick anyone’s ass if I see someone flirting with her.” He was raising his voice. You hold him down.
“Aron, Aron stop, stop, chill” you looked at him you knew he gets calmer when he looks you in the eyes. When he calmed down, you ordered for him. The poor barista was watching you guys on shock and fear. 
You paid and mouthed a sorry for his actions. He didn’t say anything just a weak smile. You hated when there’s a fight. 
Then you got your orders and when you were leaving Aron shouted. “My eyes on you” to the poor barista and he got so guilty in front of his customers.
You punched him in the arm. “Aron what the fuck? He was a poor boy, and we’re not public you know this is so normal.” You stated. Aron didn’t look at you just walked into the car.
“He can’t just flirt with a random girl especially you!” You held him by his wrist. 
“You know you’re the only guy for me right?” You looked at him with a serious expression. He managed to have a weak smile then continued to ride.
When you were on the interview set, Ester and Danna ran to you. 
“Hola bebe, we should get prepared. Hola Aron, go to the boys room.” Danna said. You waved your hand as a signal of saying “bye” and he did the same. The cast didn’t know you guys were a thing either.
You met the other female cast mates and had your make up artist prepare you. After preparing all the cast got into a room and sat around. You and Aron sat next to each other obviously. 
“Hello ColaStation watchers, I’m Amell Wilson and today, I’m here with the elite cast! we’re going to read fan messages and play “Who’s most likely to?”. Here we go!” He said cheerfully. 
Everyone introduced themselves and the interview started with “Who’s Most Likely To?” 
“Who’s most likely to be single?” Everyone pointed you and Aron. You both laughed. Amell, the interviewer smiled too.
“Who’s most likely to be rule a fashion company?” Most of the cast pointed you and you blushed. “You have a great taste in fashion, carina” Omar said, you thanked him by blowing him a kiss. One of a sudden, interviewer Amell commented “You do have a great taste in fashion Y/N you look beautiful.” He said. 
Aron was startled by this comment and you noticed this but ignored it because everyone was here.
You played the game for awhile, laughed, had fun together. By the interview continued you could see Amell watching you. Aron noticed and cleched his fists but couldn’t do anything.
You eventually had a break after the first game. The cast divided, but most of them went to outside to smoke, including Aron. You and Danna, went to restroom and the preparation room before going back to Aron’s. While you were waiting for Danna outside, you saw Amell approaching you. Oh no you thought yourself.
“Hi Y/N”
“Hello?”
“Umm so I-” Amell was interrupted by Danna. Thankfully because you were getting kinda uncomfortable and you hated making Aron like this
“¿Qué es lo que pasa aquí?” Danna came and tied her arm into yours started walking. 
“No lo se, he came and talk to me.” You made sure. Your look on your face was explaining and Danna trusted you so she didn’t make a scene.
Meanwhile in the smoking session, the boys were talking about how Amell looking at you.
“No lo se porque pero, Amell can’t stop staring at her.” Miguel claimed.
“Yeah it is getting kinda weird” Alvaro started a little laughter. Aron wasn’t paying attention, jealousy was burning inside of him.
“Imagine Y/N, one of the most beautiful girl in the world not being single. I can hear the people crying.” Omar said. Aron just smiled and smirked.
“Like Y/N would date him.” Aron said sarcastically. Everyone looked at Aron and noticed how angry he was. They knew something was behind this.
After thirty minutes, the cast turned back to do the last activity, anonymous fan comments on the actors.
It started with Ester. 
“ ’Ester Exposito is literally queen she’s my idol.’ Awhh thank you.” She blew some kisses to the camera.
“’ Alvaro is so underrated, he is a great actor. Keep up! Love you!’ Thank you so much I love you too!” Alvaro smiled.
“ ‘Aron Piper is that lucky guy to make out Omar. Don’t you think? I’m jealous.’” Omar just laughed and mouthed a thank you.
“’ Aron is literally every girls’ celebrity crush at this point. Thank you Elite creators.’” Aron just smiled and thanked at the comment. When they handed the box over you, Amell continued to stare at you.
“’Y/N is that girl that I would literally die for, I’m so happy she’s single can you marry me?’“ 
“Hahaha he’s kinda right!” Amell laughed and added. And this was the end of Aron’s patience. He couldn’t help but said,
“Too bad she has a boyfriend” He laughed grasping your hand quickly.
Everyone in shock, can’t say anything.
“I KNEW IT!” Itzan shouted
“ALVARO GIVE ME MY 50 EUROS” Jorge said laughing.
You looked at them in shock not knowing what’s going on. Alvaro groaned and gave him the 50 euro bill.
“We get into a bet, I knew you guys we’re dating” Jorge showing you the bill.
“Honestly, it couldn’t have been more obvious but I’m still mad you didn’t tell me” Danna said pouting.
“You guys are so cute together.” Mina said. You were so happy with all the comments you were receiving by the cast. Their blessings were really important. 
“Now, that it’s public, take your eyes off of my girlfriend.” Aron growled at Amell. You can see he was getting scared. They stopped the live and some advertisements to calm down Aron.
“Okay Aron, I think we should end this live and go.” You said holding him. He looked at you, he couldn’t stand your eyes.
After a break, everyone turned back to the interview, but it was super awkward. Amell couldn’t look at any of you.
“Thank you for the dearest elite cast, and thank you for watching. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for more of this content!” Amell said and the turned the camera to the cast to say goodbye.
Aron waved and immediately kissed you on the lips. Everyone was cheering. When you ended the kiss and live, your phone blew up from all of your friends and family.
Sister: ARE YOU DATING ARON? HOW?
Best friend: It’s funny how I know it and everyone’s getting crazy hehe
Brother: I’M GOING TO KICK HIS ASS 
You laughed at all the messages you’ve been receiving, especially your best friend’s. 
After the interview, Danna hold you and forced you to explain everything and all the details about you and Aron. 
“SPILL THE TEA!” Danna shouted.
“Umm so we started dating 3-4 months ago...” You continued to explain while watching everyone’s jaw dropped. For a little while later, Aron came smirking to you.
“Hey ladies, mind if I steal mi novia, for a minute?” 
“No Aron, ella es nuestras amiga.” fought Claudia laughing.
You smiled at girls “I’ll be back in 5″ and they continued to talk.
Aron held you close, holding your hand, pulling you to his side. 
“You’re mine. And no one can ever take you away from me.” He said whispering to your ear with a serious tone. “Especially a guy like A- what Ameelllo?” He said making you laugh with a funny tone this time
“Congrats Aron, you ruined the moment. I said it once, I’ll say it forever, don’t worry bebe, another guy like ‘Ameeellooo’ could never make me crazy like you do. ” 
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oftheredmoon · 3 years
Text
my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.
i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.
i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.
i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.
its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.
“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.
“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.
“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.
“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.
“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.
“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.
“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.
“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.
this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.
if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.
this post is to vent.
this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.
you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.
i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.
dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.
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noorengels · 4 years
Text
reasons i am sad (friendship edition)
in year 4 my best friend invited everyone to her birthday party and not me and they all actually kept it a secret really well they almost pulled it off except she held her party in la plaza which basically is the hangout spot for families in that area i spent all my fridays there playing until midnight bc literally everyone from school would go. so i was walking home with my entire family inc grandparents and uncles and we went through la plaza and there they were! every single one of my friends at her party! apparently her mum didnt let her invite me bc apparently i hit her which i didn’t i hit another girl so her excuse is invalid and its the first time ive been so publicly excluded i cried on a bench.
in year 7 we hated this girl bc she was so fake i genuinely believe she is a psychopath like she has all the symptoms except shes in set 5 maths lol so my friend was like what if i spread a rumour about her and i was like lol do it and she did and for some reason i was blamed??? and lost all of my friends and she bullied me so hard but i didnt realise bc i was “friends” with her bc our mums were friends so shed like walk with me to lessons and talk to me while belittleing me and idk she was just a fucking bitch she made me feel so horrible like it was emotional bullying but also like telling everyone who i liked and saying lmao you literally have no friends “count how many friends you have? omg you literally cant even reach ten can you???” like in front of everyone but then shed also be really nice to me at the same time like idk it was like she was my friend but she bullied me it was so horrible saffa i hate you and the original friend who spread the rumour went on to become her best friend for like 6 years so uh hate that
managed to make friends with people not in my class in year 8! which sucked bc saffa had alienated people in my class so now they all just didnt like me i was the weird girl with no friends because of her and it was so horrible bc id always be forced to join the ready made groups between friends by the teacher  bc i didnt have a group to work with or id get paired with the weird girl like i was only the weird girl after saffa made everyone hate me this girl was weird bc she just is idk 
in year 10 they made a gc without me! i basically created that group tho like i gathered these friends i hade made in different lessons (obviously not in my main class lol) and they literally just??? decided to exclude me for no reason. and then theyd talk about what they talked about in the gc in front of me like “omg remember last night on the gc” isha ur so fucking boring no normal person talks about their gc with the same people again do u have no other conversational points smh
in year 11 it got so bad to the point where once i sat with them and they all just left! like they took their stuff and moved to the table behind me i wanted to cry so bad i did at home i think its the worst one out of all of these because it happened to my face? idk saffa was horrible too but this was just “were leaving” idk like ive never felt as horrible as i did in that moment i cant even describe how im feeling rn reliving it
its okay bc i made friends with my best friend from sciences + history bc our surnames are next to each other so we always sat together! i honestly clung to this girl after that bc i refused to spend a second longer with that other group after 3 years of enduring not even being liked by ur friends so i made friends with her friends which was easy bc yes! 
so by the first term of year 12 i had three friends! in fact one of them was like ur not having a birthday party??? im taking u out to eat so my first birthday event thing in literally years was all thanks to arun i am honestly so grateful for him he didnt even go bc he was busy and we planned it the day before my birthday but it was literally me and two friends eating pizza at zizzis and im crying so much rn but year 12 was when i found people who genuinely cared about me
we established a group of like 8 lol and were planning a holiday for the end of year 13! very skam of us! we had a gc and everything! we were gonna go to spain bc im spanish so i could speak!
this trip was unspoken of in year 13 and i was like lol kinda weird um okay but nope nothing weird about it they just created a chat without me and were still going to spain!!! one of them even sent me screenshots of their airbnb to translate its like u want me to know lol
i did complain to one of them but thats it i was just hurt on my own and coronavirus happened so it got cancelled anyways so i won really
in yr 13 i also got closer to this boy called adam! i remember my friend was like you two would get on so well idk why ur not friends and i was like idk its adam lol do i really want to and yes i did bc he is in fact the isak to my sana! but anyways i hate him but i love him we have that kinda friendship where were alwAYS trying to beat the other one up and honestly the most heart felt goodbye when schools shut was between us both bc at first we were fighting and then he just stopped and his eyes softened and i was like whats wrong with you why arent u punching me and he went come here and we hugged and its like wow despite being a dick ill miss you
anyways so uhhh quarantine we skyped often it was fun and then restrictions were lifted i went to spain and the second i land they all stop talking in the gc????? like im abroad not dead why are u creating a new one??? this gc was agressively spammed so i know for a fact theres another im not stupid
i come back from spain and theyre like can we meet!!! we meet three weeks later and theyr like i missed u so much im so happy uou came i love you and it felt really genuine like they genuinely missed me
two days later i find out through snapchat theyve all gone on holiday together!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of them and just ofc didnt invite me they went to the beach for two days and kept posting about it and im so bitter about it like bro???????? why so secretive????? like i cried so much when i saw bc they still just idk why does every single friendgroup ive ever been in exclude me like i must be the problem theres no other explanation for it i am not the kind of person people want to have around i am so funny but im a bitch and will come for ur ass because i have the inability to lie i have no filter either which i know makes them dislike me i know it does but thats the price you oay for being my friend i just say things as it is becauxe i hate secrets bc secrets are always about excluding me so i rather be honest and upfront but that clearly puts people off bc im too upfront and im not getting a personality transplant im not tryna be boring but im so sick of always being the one on her own
adam was relevant uh hews my only friend rn he checked up on me the other day so cheers adam for making sure im not completely isolated
the funny thing is that all my friends hate adam bc “hes a dick” hes not he just says things how it is were so similar so if they hate adam they hate me and im over being hated lol bye!
i start uni next week and i clearly have no social skills so im not gonna make friends im so scared of being lonely i hate being left out
this went from sad to full on angry like i was crying at some point and now im fuming like im so hot rn my blood pressure isnt doing okay
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combat-wombatus · 3 years
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uHm if you do these and if you want to do it I’d love a bnha matchup <3?
• my name is Aubri, I’m bi but prefer MHA boys tbh. I go by she/her, too.
• I’m a very Gryffindor person. (Sorry if you don’t know Harry Potter - 😖)
• I’m a June cancer, and I have ADHD and anxiety. My anxiety can be literally crippling somedays, but it’s gotten better overtime.
• I’m a bit of a class clown and usually just a clown 🤡 but that’s irrelevant. My teachers all hate me but like school-wise I do well so we have a love and mostly hate relationship 🤧
• I’m usually the ‘entertaining’ friend, in elementary the popular kids would invite me to play games with them because, “you’re funny” and it was like the biggest achievement ever 😭👍🏻 then they’d ignore me but that’s another therapy session
• I’m usually made fun of by people for being ‘weird’ and ‘insane’. Like all through elementary everyone thought I’d be a criminal when I grew up JUST BECAUSE I HAD UNDIAGNOSED ADHD - I hate it here 😐🦶🏻
• I’ve always been super into crime stories/true crime (where my anxiety comes from, I’m always worried about a pesky serial killer just killing me. It’s usually being kidnapped tho lmao) so I knew and still know like all these murder facts and sometimes I’d just randomly be like;
“Hey did you know it takes 12 hours and 2 days to dissolve a body in acid?”
or
“If you bury a dead deer over a dead body you buried deep in the ground, when police dogs sniff it and people dig they’ll just think it was the deer and won’t dig any farther.”
• So maybe people had a reason to be scared of me and think I’ll be a criminal someday, i dunno.
• I love love love reading and writing, and also debating. The things I’ve wanted to be when I grow up are basically: Dog shelter worker, actress, FBI agent, politician, and a writer. But usually I just want to do something that makes a positive impact on people. Like i wanted to be an FBI agent to solve crimes for people. I wanted to be a politican so I could actually help a lot of people. The entertainment industry also seemed like a way to make people happy. Idk, but then I decided I couldn’t be a politican at 10 because they were all corrupt and to be one I would have to be too. 😫🤌🏻 we love some good childhood angst
• the only subjects I’ve ever excelled at are ELA and Social Studies aka History, and Math I can’t do to save my life. ELA comes easy for me and I usually don’t have to work that hard and/or get too stressed over it. But I always get the meanest teachers for some reason. For example, one time I did my final essay for like 30% of my grade in 30 minutes the day it was due and I got an A+ 🦟🦗🦟🦗
• Uhhh id describe myself as a pretty loyal friend, I’m a ride or die type of girl. A story from my childhood that summarizes it pretty well is when I was in 2nd grade my friend wet her pants and she didn’t want to go to the nurse for it alone so I peed my pants so I could go with her and she wouldn’t have to be alone. Like, you know, a professional problem solver
• and I have genuinely attacked people for fucking with my friends but don’t snitch pls 🕳🏃‍♀️💨
• But also just anyone, people at my school tend to come to me with their problems for me to either help solve them by reasoning, or just to confront the other person like the bad bleep I am 😈😈
• I also have a huge daydreaming problem, it’s literally maladaptive daydreaming. So paired with my ADHD I don’t get shit done like ever.
• I have really high empathy levels I guess, like I always say hi to everyone I see on the street, especially if they look sad 😔 I’ve done it ever since I was a little kiddo.
• My fashion sense is very much a preppy/alt style. I wear those ripped tights and fishnets, I also have the MOST BIZARRE JEWELRY- like who allowed me to buy the gummy worm glittery earrings, hmmm???????? and those Mary Janes???????
• But I love crew necks and pleated skirts so I always obide by the National “hoes dont get cold” policy 🇺🇸😫🦅
• I wanna move somewhere someday, I don’t want to stay in America for very long
• I can speak Latin, French, and my native language which is English.
• My music taste varies, but my all-time favorite artists who all of their music they’ve ever put out has been my favorites are, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, and Conan Gray.
• I no-joke have a sign in my front yard that says;
In ✍️ this ✍️ house we ✍️ don’t ✍️ worship Jesus ✍️ but instead ✍️ Melanie ✍️ Martinez
• My favorite shows are MHA (duh), The Promised Neverland, and Malcolm in The Middle.
• and I’m not going to tell you what I prefer in a partner, because that ruins the fun 😤
• but I will say I cannot be friends with someone who doesn’t really make me laugh. Like I’m used to doing most of the talking in convos but if you’re just boring I’m sorry it’s nothing personal but no thanks 😐✌🏻
• About my physical appearance, I have fluffy n curly brown hair, but when it’s in the sunlight it looks sort of brown but golden yk?? It’s shoulder length :) I have bleach blonde streaks in the front. I like wearing eyeliner most days, too. I’m pretty average size/ on the skinnier side. Kinda high key inscure abt my body bc I got flat shamed in elementary EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TIDDIES NOW- whatever 😤🙄. I also have crystal type blue eyes, and I do have fairly big eyes. But, like, not weirdly big. A good big. My cheekbones are ALWAYS PRESENT so sometimes I get called a Tim Burton character but it’s cool ig ☠️☠️ oh and I’m kinda short. I’m 5’3, even though my doctor said I’d be 5’7. I feel like I was either tricked by the doctor or someone just stole my destined height while I was asleep. It’s probably cause I didn’t keep an eye out for Selener 👁 😔😔
• I’m a definite night owl, like all of my energy comes at night which really sucks cuz I can’t do much since everyone else is asleep.
• My love language is touch starved so I’ve never figured it out ✌🏻😗🔫
• but I am an attention whore so idk 😏
• I’m a huge introvert with social anxiety. It isn’t as bad as it used to be cuz I used to not be able to like go to restaurants but now I’m much better.
• I’m a huge history person, mostly like sad history LMFAO. Uh but a lot of my hyperfixations have been on history. Some examples are The Roman Empire, Julius Caesar himself, Anne Frank, The Titanic, the Black Plauge, Helen Keller, Marie Curie, Slavery in the US, Joan of Arc, and just a lot more. I always love talking about these things if someone would let me ramble to them but no one ever does 😖 it also got to a point where for all these subjects I’d go to the library and try to find a book on them but usually I’d either have already read it or I’d read it and know all the information.
• I’m super into Greek Mythology, I have 7 books filled with the stories, I’m going to Greece maybe this summer to see it’s history, and named my hamster Aphrodite but we call her Aphie. I also will talk about this forever and ever if you let me.
• My favorite color is yellow, my favorite food is literally nothing I never have an appetite, my favorite planet is Saturn, favorite song is Tag Your It by Melanie Martinez atm but it changes like everyday.
• Music is a huge safe-space for me if I’m feeling down or having a panic attack. It calms me down n is overall my coping mechanism 💃🏻💃🏻
• Biggest fear is spiders, even looking at one gives me a panic attack and I cannot sleep at all for that night, adding to my insomniac ass 🧎🏻‍♂️🏌️‍♀️
• I’m mature for my age, I don’t exactly like hanging around kids my age and I get along better with older crowds.
• i don’t like conventional dates, (I PROMISE IM NOT TRYING TO SOUND ‘QUIRKY’ AHAHA) I kind of like having a best-friend type partner more so dates that aren’t as romantic as like the movies or a fancy restaurant suite me better. My dream date is playing Monopoly on my bedroom floor 🦧
• Also I hate getting gifts. End of story. If someone gets me a gift like awe that’s nice but never again, I’d prefer to get you one. Especially in a romantic partner 😐 i keep a journal of my friends’ interests and hobbies so I can get them the perfect gifts for their bdays and Christmas’s. Been doing this ever since 4th grade.
• Though I don’t have much actual experience with relationships🧍🏻‍♀️
• I’m a huge believer in ‘family isn’t blood, it’s who you make it’ because I have a pretty shitty family life and my childhood has been trash. My friends are my family to me.
• Also if my friends don’t like my romantic partner ✨ GOODBYE ✨. Sorry girlie, bros before hoes 🦨💨
I was going to put more but I’m so so sorry for how LONG AND COMPLICATED THIS IS- idk if this is a autobiography or a matchup at this point 🤦‍♀️ don’t feel pressured to do this and if matchups aren’t open IM SO SO SORRY LMAO uh yeah ilysm 🦎🎂🧃
OMG ASLDFKJHASLKDJH
🥺 i’m so sorry bby but matchups are closed ;-; my 100 follower event was over while ago (i guess i should’ve specified that in the asks i answered LKSAJHFLKJAHDS SORRY IT’S MY BAD) but you sound so cool?? i had a lot of the same hyperfixations interests (heLLO helen keller was badass AF and the roman empire was messed up but still v cool, anne frank was awesome too) i also may or may not have wanted to be a politician when i was younger alskdjfhalkdhj but now i’m just 🧍🏻‍♀️ lost and anyways you’re amazing >.< love u lots and don’t forget to drink water and eat a lil something hehe :p 
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thorsstorms · 5 years
Text
Sober Me
Word count: 2.8k
Summary: Thor hasn't tried to contact, what is life like with out him?
Warning: ANGST!, Drunk Thor, Sad Thor. Acohol abuse.
A/N: a long awaited sequel to Drunk Me, one of my favorites, well I got bit by the writing bug tonight and decided to have a go. Also, I always picture Thor with long hair in these. I wrote Drunk Me pre endgame (im psychic I know)  but was stuck on long hair Thor bc who isn't.  Part three coming soon.
Masterlist.  -   Drunk Me.  -  Touch Me
Steve’s place was not far from ours, only a few blocks. For those that had moved out of the tower, they were never too far away. Steve was my first friend of the group, I met him not long after he came out of the ice, I answered his questions, and he answered mine. It did not take long for us to become friends. It was him who introduced me to Thor. The introduction was not meant for a set up, but he just wanted to introduce me to the people he called his ‘family.’
Steve had told me I could stay as long as I wanted, Bucky would agree with him each time, telling me I was no burden and that I had no rush but I did not like taking advantage of them. They had always done so much for me, ‘they’ as in the entire family I was thrust into, but I would not change it. I was just always checking myself to never become reliant on them. I had a good job, very few ‘friends’ outside of them though, but it was not like I could not get by on my own.
Four days of crying. The next morning Thor woke us three to pounding on door, though he would not dare kick it down again, at least not while sober. He yelled for us, for me. Before I could even sit straight up on the couch, the two make-shift bodyguards were throwing themselves outside the front door of the apartment where Thor was waiting. They came back in a few minutes later alone. They told me not to worry about it, to go back to sleep.
The second day was quiet until the evening. Evening as in a solid 2 A.M. I was in a deep sleep, exhausted from the day before, my mind never calmed down, wondering if I did the right thing. I woke up to Steve murmuring to me, asking me to come sleep with him in his bed. I was confused until I heard the loud voices outside the door. They were familiar. A loud yet eerily calm James Barnes, and a pitiful, heartbreaking plea of my Thor. Steve did not give me time to answer before pulling me away from the sounds and deeper into the apartment, he laid with me till I fell asleep, not complaining when he wiped the silent tears from my skin. Not complaining when I repeatedly asked myself why I can not help him.
Steve stayed with me the third day, Bucky ran errands if needed. Steve was my pep talker. Reminding me that I did not deserve to be scared every night, wondering if I was going to be dealing with a sad and sorry lover or an angry and sorry lover. It was not fair to me, I started to listen. It was quiet that day, at least that’s what I thought.
On the fourth I left the apartment, signing the short lease of the first place I checked out regardless if I really liked it or not, I just knew I couldn’t stay with Steve and Bucky anymore, it was not fair to them.
I could not miss anymore work so I returned, fully expecting Thor to turn up and embarrass me in front of coworkers. But he never did. The secret longing I had for him to just show up anyway, plead with me or tell me he loves me and that he was sorry was just that, a secret. I wished he would just show up so I could see his face. It gave me chills, a slight burn of tears to my eyes when I thought of him wrapping me in the biggest of hugs, just a simple hug, it was all I wanted or maybe a kiss for good measure, but he never showed.
A new routine started to show upon my life, an independent one. Always dinner with Steve and Bucky on Thursdays, it was my thing to look forward to every week, counting the days till it happens again. It wasn’t like I never saw Steve inbetween, but it was special to me. We rotated who got to pick what we cooked, never going out to eat because it would take away the craziness of all three of us dancing aorund the kitchen trying not to burn ourselves or fuck it up in anyway, it was made fun because we wanted to have fun. Simple as that.
It has been three months. I do not think about him as often anymore, going a couple hours before thinking about where he is, what he is doing. Does he think about me? Does he wonder where I am? Does he miss me? Does he still love me even though I left him when he begged me to not walk out the door? The guilt always hits me just as hard but I can not make myself ask where he is and why he has not come to get me yet, because I am waiting.
I wait in the mornings when I make a small breakfast before work. I wait when I pass the front doors where guests and clients walk through to enter the building. I wait when I am walking home, for him to catch up to me and say hello. I wait when I drink my tea and read some of my new favorite book before bed, for him to come through the door and tell me about his day. Always waiting until I was not anymore.
“Where is he?” My voice was not as strong as I wanted it to be, forever sounding more demanding in my head. Steve looked at me from across the couch. I was not watching the movie, I had not been for a while. We had seen it only a thousand times, but it was Buck’s favorite.
“What?” He questioned.
“Where is Thor? Why hasn’t he come see me?” I could tell I caught them both off guard, but I just could not wait any longer. “I shouldn’t have called you Steve. Now he doesn’t even want to see me.” It did not take me wiping my eyes with the shared blanket for them to know I was beginning to cry, they could tell from my voice. The two men shared a look, Bucky getting up to tend to the aftermath of dinner while Steve took his time speaking, moving closer to my side.
“No,” he says. “I’m glad you called me when you did. When Bucky saw you that night, he hasn’t taken a drink since. When you slept, he asked if I had a problem with it and I told him yes.”
It was good to hear, I needed it. At least some good had come out of my suffering. “Have you seen him, Steve? Where is he?” A deep breathe was not enough to calm my voice from shaking, but I have to ask, he has to tell me. I have been killing myself to know, does he hate me for leaving him, for kicking him when he is down?
“He… He is doing better. He is at the compound. Hasn’t left the compound in a few weeks I think.”
“He’s doing better?”
“He’s staying sober. There is no alcohol of any kind at his request, all dumped out.” What? I sit up at the new information, information I asked for. The tears have stopped themselves. He was not gone, not forever. I have to go see him. Does he want to see me? The yearning I had been feeling for months was shaken up like a soda bottle and the lid has popped off.
I left him.
I left him.
Does he want to see me?
“Have you talked to him?” My voice is laced with urgency.
“No, but Natasha has told me that he is well.” Natasha, the one girl I was always afraid would steal my best friend from me, though he never let it happen. She never really spoke to me, only watched me like a hawk. She was the one who Thor had talked to, and he still has not tried to talk to me.
“Oh.”
“Do you want to go see-”
“Yes.” I want to see him. I have to see him. “Tomorrow, please.”
~
I should have called. Found a way to communicate to him that I was coming. Pepper or someone, surely could have told him somehow. It has been months and months since I have stepped foot into this facility. I only had come a few times as is, but it was enough to find my way up to the living quarters even with Steve trailing not far behind me. My eager footsteps were fast enough for my legs to be surpassing Steve’s stride.
I have not found him yet. His name was caught in my throat, scared to call out for him. It would sound much more pitiful than I wanted and I did not exactly want him to run and hide before I could catch a glimpse.
I abandon my purse on the back of the couch. No one seems to be around anyway. My feet are moving before my brain can catch up and I go straight for the rooms. One of these have to be his.
Each door I opened was seemingly barren, not a single soul or personal item in sight until there is. It was only a sweatshirt thrown over a chair that catches my attention, but it did and that was enough.
“Thor?” I question into the empty room.
Nothing.
The door slowly shuts behind me, settling just before clicking into place, leaving a slit of opening. His shoes are against the wall. The bed is lived in, where is he? I take a few steps farther in, trying to memorise his space, where he has been for the past few weeks. Laundry piled in a basket to the corner, proudly not strung across the floor shows his sobriety itself. The bed is unmade and calling for me to lay and bask in it, in his smell that is undeniably him. The bedside lamp is shining bright, he was always so bad at turning off lights. The small table is empty save a small book, a pencil accompanying it; he is in dire need of a new writing utensil.
The sheets are soft under my finger tips, I can only imagine his bare skin, my bare skin against it. Soft and warm, where we should be, where we once were. In my last attempt to control myself I pull my hand away and then occupy it by going for the small leather book calling my name. The material is warn and used, oddly comforting to the touch and reminding me of one I used to have many years ago. Mine was a journal, I stopped using it so much when I had another being to share my thoughts with.
“(Y/n)?”
My blood runs cold, I am invading his space. Where is my self control? The book falls from my hands, landing on the bed when I jump in place at the sound of a voice that I missed and longed to hear again. There was no place to hide, no place to busy my eyes so they meet his. They are so bright, brighter than my memory could ever do justice. They seem to shine brighter in the dim lighting, or maybe because they are rimmed with the normal whites of his eyes, not the red that I had unknowingly grown accustomed too.
“I- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… I should have called first.” My feet were frozen in place. How can he seem to capture my gaze, his size seemingly enchanting. Is he the same Thor as before? Have I forgotten him that much? Memory has not done me a lick of justice in his time away, so much more beautiful when he is walking towards me, contemplating what to say to me. His brows furrowed, eyes bright with curiosity or maybe it was confusion. I should not have come.
“You are here?” His voice is so deep, resonating in the air and conjuring attention.
I am here, I miss you. I needed to see you.
“I’m - uh, I’ll go. Sorry.” I can not look at him, I knew I should not have come. It was selfish of me, my own selfish want beating out while he was trying his best to recover, stay sober. My feet make out to pass him, my head shaking in horror and humiliation, but they are stopped with his grasp over my shoulders.
This is all I wanted and yet it shocks me to my core, a hug. The kind where my senses are drowning in his presence, his smell, the sound of his breathing, his warm hands on my skin. It was all I wanted, but it still takes me a few seconds to return it.
Tears burn my eyes, closing them tight when I melt into him. We were never meant to part for so long, I should be here with him, helping him and encouraging him.
“Please don’t cry, little one. You’ve shed too many tears at my doing, I won’t have it any longer.” These were tears of my own doing, I missed him and I needed him but I left him when he needed me most.
“I’m sorry I left. I shouldn’t have!” His shirt is there to dry my tears. He tries to pull me back but I can not let him go, I need more time with my arms around him, with his body against mine.
“No, you did what was right. I needed to see, you made me see.” I shake my head against his chest, he does not know what he is saying. “Stop. I will not touch another drink Baby, I swear it.” I let him pull me away this time. He means what he is saying, I can hear hear the conviction, he means it.
His blue orbs don’t lie, “I promise a sober me, from now on. I could never hurt you, I-” eyes squint as if trying to shake the memory away. I know what he is thinking, he was afraid to touch me. “I will never hurt you.”
“Okay.” I don’t know what else to say. He’s trying to show me, just like I asked. He is determined, it is written all over him. He has failed many times in his life, but he was not out to fail me. All I want is for him to just kiss me. I have waited long enough, the reassurance was there, and I want him to kiss me already.
“I want to be good for you, little one.” His eyes show a flash of pity, he will not kiss me. “I want to be the best I can be before we continue, you deserve that at least.”
“Okay.”
~
It was whatever he needed, I want to be there. A few days off of work in a row and I was at his side. We took advantage of the lake, swimming, taking Stark’s jet skis for a spin. We wandered the wooded areas, we layed in the grass while he told tales of the stars, we stood in the clearing while he displays his powers through the skies at my request, it was astonishing. It was pure Thor, in his finest element. No hustle and bustle around us, no ideal to meet, no standards, just himself spending his time wisely with me.
It was Thursday. Thor joined us. Steve and Bucky did not say anything when they noticed his lack of affection save a hand hold or a rub on my shoulders. My obvious pining for his lips when he talked should be more embarrassing than it actually seems to be.
Thor was making amends, waiting until after dinner to apologize to Steve, and thank him all the same. Thor was healing and this is how he was doing it. Bucky and I gave our silence while they talked, it was not something I wanted to reminisce on. The look of betrayal on Thor’s face, the struggle against Steve’s grip, straining to hold him back. It was a flash that took me away from the present, but thrusts me back in with no positive emotion.
Thor took notice of my absence, my hand had froze on his leg. Comfort motions of my thumb coming to a halt when he brought it up. I did not mean to, but it was a face on him that haunted my closed eyes for so long.
I was quick to recover when his hand enveloped mine, this was about him, not me.
The night was good. Thor jokes, he actually snickered and joined in. It spread a sense of hope in my chest. He was here, with me, he was back. Maybe not all the way, but I would give him as much time as he needed, I would be waiting for the ‘sober me’ I was promised.
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you-did-well-moon · 4 years
Text
questions tag :))
i was tagged by the lovely @bearboyunho thank uuuu
relationships: I was in one for a maximum of three hours dkejek. Ill explain in the breakup question. This is definitely not a relationship im proud of. It caused me too many problems considering how short it was...
break-ups: I have so many trust issues and insecurities, i think i still have a long way to grow before i can enter a relationship, besides i havent met anyone yet. I didn't lead this person on, i treated him as a friend. And i usually spent more time with him since we were both in track. He caught feelings for me which i honestly knew about but i didnt say anything bc i didnt have feelings for him. One day during lunch with all my friends at the time he asked for a relationship. He later confessed to me he did this on purpose because he knew i would feel bad saying no to him, and that paired with the pressure of my friends, i said yes. He held my hand, and it just didn't feel right. Everything didnt feel right. So three hours later i got him alone and told him i wasnt ready for a relationship but that we could still be friends. He took it relatively well, but he avoided me. His cousin confronted me and told me he cried all weekend, but she said she understood and that she was glad i said no in the end which i was confused about but didnt question just wanting to leave it behind. Then it all started the next year. Out of nowhere he texted me, which was ???? Bc i never gave him my number, but i talked to him believing he was doing this on friendly intentions. lol i was a dumbass. Later my friend revealed to me he had lied to her and said i was paired up with him during a project. I also found out he asked her for pictures of me. His cousin which im friends with also told me she was sure he was not befriending me on good intentions, and that she was creeped out by him. My friends had continuously told me he would speak about me as if we were together to other people, and that he stared at me for weird periods of time. At this point im fucking scared and confront him and say i dont want to be friends with him and that i dont think us talking or being friends is healthy for either one of us. He continued texting me, making me feel bad when i didnt respond asking me if i hated him i had to eventually block him. He gave me a present on both valentines and Christmas which i rejected but he forced me to accept them. After class i always packed up my stuff slowly bc i had a good relationship with my teacher and talked to her. He stood in front of me and just stared at me while i packed. We actually had a kpop club, and one day he showed up. I was part of student council, and at the middle of the year he started attending. He sent me kpop memes to try to get my attention. I felt so unsafe i told my English teacher. Eventually he gave up when i started being firmer in my silence and overall attitude towards him. so yeah.... a relationship that didnt even last a day caused all this. I genuinely wish i had been more careful. The red flags were there from the beginning and i tried ignoring them bc i wanted to be nice. Dont do that, if someone maked you uncomfortable please dont feel bad and cut them off for as long as you need to. Anyways- nExT quEstiOn.
kids: i dont have any but i want twins so badly it's stupid. I honestly dont mind having kids that aren't twins. I just want two tbh. A girl and boy.
brothers and sisters: i have one sister who's five years younger than me. Im very close with my two cousins tho so theyre like sister to me too. They're older than me by more than five years.
pets: i have three dogs. Two shih tzus Otis and Bella, Bella is mother to Otis. He's the only puppy we kept from when Bella had puppies. I have Rocky a very clumsy english bulldog. I also have a beta fish called Suho.
surgeries: Ive had two. One when i was four to get my tonsils removed because i got sick a lot, and last year i got my gallbladder removed because i had gall stones. That one was so painful i couldnt laugh or do anything without everything hurting.
tattoos: None but i would like one. Not big ones, just small meaningful ones.
countries i’ve been to: Mexico....i miss it
been in an airplane: my family is not in the class where we can take an airplane to travel or even travel to other states. Ive only been on it twice for a contest i won.
been in an ambulance: Twice as much as i can remember. Once for my sister who had a really bad seizure when i took her to a doctors appointment and the other when they had to transport me to another hospital when they first found out i had gall stones.
i sing karaoke: no but you can usually find me singing along to a song on the radio or randomly around my house.
ice skating: I would love to try. The closest ive gotten is rollerblading. I can't do any fancy tricks but i can balance, but oh no i havent gone in such a long time. My poor rollerblades are collecting dust in my garage.
been on a cruise: ..... this is a joke right? Let me have enough money to buy groceries first.
driven a motorcycle: ah i would really like a motorcycle, but no never.
ridden a horse: Lolol all the time. When i was young my uncle helped out at some stables that were literally at the end of my street snd and he always took me a long with him. A lot of my family especially in Mexico and in the valley have ranchos which means they have horses and you can usually find me hanging out with the lovely animals.
stayed in a hospital: I once went because my head was killing me and i found out it was migraines. I had gall stones for seven months and stayed in the hospital about two times a month so yeah i was there a lot. And for the surgery of course.
favorite fruit or berry: Watermelon and Guayaba. Also green grapes.
favorite color: peach and aqua.
last text: "ye ok" it was from me to my cousin since i was gonna go to her house but she was with my grandma who tested positive for covid so we both decided it would be safer for me to keep my distance.
coffee or tea: coffee. i need it to survive. As long as it has sugar im ok. But tea is great for when my stomach hurts. I just prefer coffee. I could drink it any hour.
favorite pie: Pecan, especially with ice cream its so good. Key lime isnt bad either.
favorite pizza: i dont really care? I like all of them but when i was little and we'd go to the mall my dad would always get this big pizza that was big enough to have things stuffed inside it and it tasted so good. Its a good memory.
cat or dog: dog but i really want a cat.
favorite time of year: Chritmas and Thanksgiving always. I love it. Especially Christmas when my family gathers together and we play games and everyone brings a traditional Mexican dish. We stay until like 4 am and its always great.
met a star: That one woman who had an affair with george bush. I met her. That doesnt really count. Yeah no one, i met basketball players but i dont remember from which team or who they were. I met ted cruz. Cool story tho my english teacher knew one of shinee's choreographers.
flown a helicopter:..... umm. nO..
been on tv: Nah. Probably in the backround of some news things.
broken my leg: no ive never broken a bone surprisingly.
seen a ghost: i had sleep paralysis it was close enough.
been sick in a taxi: never even been in a taxi. Ive been on a uber tho.
Tags: @doyoungbunnyagenda @butterflybam @brighttragedy @saturnsluna @waterfallsandrosebuds @jooheonyonehunnit @leecherryyong
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spooks-can-write · 5 years
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The Babysitter
Nestor x Reader
Summary: Emily hires you to babysit Cristobal (this is apart from the actual tv series events) and you and Nestor have some...tension. im bad at summaries ok.
Warnings: no smut just tension lmao. Cursing. Some predatory behavior, nothing beyond that.
Word count: idk tbh its longER tho bc i cant be short im s o r r y.
Hope yall enjoy 💞
The door chimed as you walked into the coffee shop, immediatley seeing Emily beam as she saw you made you loose a tension you didnt know you were holding. After leaving your last job abruptly you had been busy trying to get your shit together and through the struggle you were glad to take a break to see your old babysitter and childhood friend Emily.
"Hey (y/n)!" She stood up, you noted motherhood suited her well. She seemed more at peace now.
"Hey Em!" You looked down to see Cristobal sweetly sleeping in his noteably expensive stroller.
"So..." she seemed eager "I was talking with Miguel and we know you're...well...looking for a new job and place to stay so we thought it'd be perfect if you stayed with us as Cristobals full time nanny."
You were caught off gaurd to say the least "Oh, uh that does sounds great but i dont have any experience really."
"Dont worry well figure it out and ill be there in the beginning till you settle in. Trust me."
You thought you didnt have many other places to go either way and being in a stable enviornment would be good for a change. Fuck it.
"When can i start?"
Nannying was going better than you thought. It helped that Cristobal was more than well behaved but also you kind of had a knack for it. Not to mention the mansion Emily lived in. The only problem from time to time was that asshole with the cornrows. He always blatantly ignored you or just stared at you until you left the room. You thought long and hard about what you did to piss him off and couldnt think of a single thing, so you decided he was just an asshole.
You needed to check with Miguel about taking Cristobal to the park, going to his office you just found Nestor standing next to an empty desk.
"Where is Miguel?"
He didnt respond.
"Where.Is.Miguel?" You ask with more attitude than you meant.
He blinked like he didnt understand.
"Nestor!" You raised your voice
"He stepped out. He'll be back in 10." His calm tone didnt match yours. You instantly felt embaressed to have been rude. Shit.
"Thanks" you walked out wishing you had been more calm
--------------------------
When you walked in he looked up, thinking it was miguel, to see you. You were wearing that new top he liked. It hugged your curves. The sun was hitting your face making you glow.
Fuck you were beautiful. He wanted to shove the chair out of the way and grab you and kiss you more than he ever wanted anything he knew he couldnt have.
Shit. You looked mad.
"Nestor!"
He gathered his thoughts
He watched you walk out. His stomach twisted that you seemed mad at him. Fuck.
----------------------
They were supposed to be gone all day so you were walking around the house, bouncing and humming a hymn to Cristobal in your pjs. He slowly fell asleep as you walked around the stairs to the den, you stopped dead.
You were met with the eyes of Miguel, Devante, Nestor, and a fair skinned man with a lot of jewlery and a shit eating grin as his eyes obviosuly roamed your body. You were just wearing a little bit too short of shorts and a tank top that cristobals sleepy hand was tugging down. You felt your stomach twist and cheeks flush.
"Sorry-I I didnt know anyone was home, he was getting fussy so.." you trailed off as Miguel stood up giving you a look you couldnt read. You looked over to Nestor and he looked upset.
"Dont worry mija we were just finishing up." Miguel said, like he meant it.
"Actually" the strange man stood, still undressing you with his eyes. It was starting to piss you off.
"Miguelito i think we should wait till my party next saturday to...finalize this deal huh?" He said with that same grin.
"Por supuesto" miguel said as he ushered the man to the other side of the room, talking to each other in spanish too quiet for you to decipher.
You felt stuck in your place. You focused on Cristobals breath against your chest. Trying to let it calm you. You noted more of the man. He looked dangerous. Emily told you Miguel was a international businessman and you believed her till you came here. You werent stupid enough to ask exactly what he did but you also werent stupid enough to believe he was just a businessman either.
The men came back and stood in front of you for a beat.
"Hey listen im really sorry i thought everyone was gone-" you started
"No worries chiquita, but do you have a passport?" Devante asked, eyebrow raised
-----------------------------
"Well if im being whored out i mine as well look good right?" You said smoothing down the soft rose gold satin dress as Emily and Dita sang your praises.
"How many times do i have to tell you (y/n) he just told Miguel he wanted to see you at the party, hes not going to do anything and we won't let him anyways." Emily reassured you, doing your hair.
"You're a part of the family now mija, this is our job as the women." You knew that comment was true, you saw it with your own eyes and that made it sting even more.
You were doing it for the sake of Emily and her family you told yourself. Plus you did look amazing in the dress.
You tugged at the zipper of the dress, it wouldn't budge.
"Hey em, can you-" you turned to see nestor at the door.
"I can if you want" his voice was gentle. Not that he was ever callous with you but it felt deliberate.
"Yeah sure" you half whispered, surprised it got caught in your throat.
He walked over. You moved your hair in front as he gently pulled the zipper up. Touching it when he was done. You turned.
"Listo?" He asked
You nodded, following. Feeling a flutter in your chest.
The drive to mexico was beautiful and serene. You mind did wander to Nestor and how sweet he was to you. You wondered if it was a fluke. Maybe he felt sorry for you. You tried not. to feel sorry for yourself.
You arrived to what looked like a castle. It had the guards with machine guns and everything. You found humor in that, as the situation sank in, you weren't scared.
It you were honest with yourself even when Nestor was cold to you, you always felt safe with him.
You all got out of the car, you last, as Nestor helped you onto the uneven stones. It'd been a minute since you wore heels.
"Dont worry." He leaned down to talk close to you, squeezing your hand. You met his smile.
The music was loud as you walked in. People were dancing and the mariachis were amazing. You were thankful to sit next to emily and dita. You felt eyes on you from men and their wives. You tugged your dress up. Definitley not the most revealing at the party but apparently it was enough.
"Its because you are not married" Dita told you, a comforting hand on your shoulder. "They are jealous" She smiled. It didnt make you feel better. You tried to focus on the drink in front of you.
The man from the house yelled joyfully and drunkenly in spanish and started walking toward the table. The men quickly stood up and met him halfway. Ushering him into a private room smoothly. Not before you made eye contact and he winked. You held your shudder.
The night went on and you found yourself almost having fun and forgetting the dangerous people around you.
You went to the bathroom as Devante and Dita danced.
You were looking for the bathroom when you felt a heavy hand on your waist. You jumped and turned. It was the man.
"Hello pretty women" he said with a accent slurred with the smell of strong alcohol that pinched your nose.
You backed up to find yourself against a wall. You started to look for a way out but his hand got harder on your waist, moving to hold your hip.
He leaned in speaking breathy spanish against your ear you couldnt understand on your best day. You took the opportunity to side step, noticing his henchmen about 10 ft away watching, glocks on their hips. The situation sank your stomach. You wouldnt be getting out of here.
"(Y/n) ive been looking everwhere for you." Dita shuffled past the man grabbing your arm and pulling you away. "Miguel needs to talk with you." She said louder than necesarry.
You were at a near jog down the hall. She stopped and turned you when you were safely away but not into the main area.
"Are you okay mija?" She held your hand. You felt tears welling.
"Men like that will ways exist and here, you will find them in abundance. It's important to stay close to us. They prey on the lone wolf okay?" You nodded. She wiped the tear you didnt know you shed.
She stayed with you till you calmed down.
"Brave face mija" she said as you walked back into the room, back to the table. Nestor and miguel were there looking directly at you, worried, trying to read your face. You forced a smile. Understanding what being in this family meant. It wasnt good. It wasnt bad. It was just your life now.
Nestor quickly sat next to you. Emily eyeing you, sympathetically. They were all too smart to not put together what happened. She touched your thigh, you flinched. She removed it. You could see she made a heartbroken face out the corner of your eyr but you couldnt bring yourself to meet her eyes.
"Im okay i promise. Just..shook up" you were honest. She nodded. You knew she felt terrible.
The night continued. Nestor wanted to kill him and he knew how he would do it. He shared looks with Miguel. He shook his head. Not yet. The second you walked out, holding ditas arm like it was the only thing keeping you up his stomach twisted. Rage ran down his back.
When he didnt see that bastard Diego and didnt see you, his mind raced and he was about to go down the hall to kill that fuck when Dita grabbed him.
"You can't. It has to be me." She didnt have to explain. He knew why. It killed him to turn around and walk away from the situation as his mind let dark thoughts in of what he was doing to you.
He kept looking at you, he could see you trying to be brave but under the table your leg was shaking and you were fidgeting with your hands.
"Come outside with me baby" he leaned over so only you could hear him.
You looked over at him standing with his hand out. You were thankful. Did he just call you baby? It sounded good coming out of his mouth.
You took his hand. It was calloused and strong. It calmed you down almost instantly as he led you outside. When people saw him coming they almost fell over themselves to move out of your way.
The cool air felt good on your flushed cheeks. He let go of your hand and led you to the balcony. You leaned on it, embracing the night air.
"Its really beautiful out here, all things considered." You chuckled.
He looked worringly at you, "Thank you Nestor." You grabbed his arm.
Fuck, his name sounded so good in your mouth.
"You're welcome." He watched as you leaned against the balcony. He wanted to touch you, tell you, youre beautiful but after what happened thats not what you needed and he knew it.
-------------------
You stayed like that for awhile, in each other's silence. The muffled sound of the mariachis relaxing you.
You felt your eyes getting heavy.
"Dont get tired now its not even 1am yet." You looked over, surprised he noticed.
"Maybe we can just stay out here all night then." You smiled at him.
Fuck he would do just about anything you asked. Crawl on glass in the snow, change your oil, anything as long as you kept smiling at him like that.
"But it's probably best to go inside right?" You sighed.
"I think so."
You grabbed his arm as you walked in, holding onto him and keeping your eyes on the table.
Time passed and you struggled to stay awake, you leaned on Nestor's shoulder without thinking, you froze. He moved over to make you more comfortable, moving his arm around you but not too much. You snuggled in. Damn he smelled good too. You closed your eyes, feeling people looking. Fuck em.
You were stirred up by Nestor rubbing your upper arm "hey, hey, time to go."
You stirred, never really falling asleep but not present for the end. Everyone was filing out slowly.
Nestor was looking over to Miguel and Diego. He shook Miguel's hand. He didn't look away as he put his coat over your shoulders and walked you all out.
You noticed Emily smirking at you, making eyes at Nestor's jacket around you.
You tried to open your mouth
"-Ah." She cut you off. "You don't need to tell me anything." She smiled.
You smiled back, happily getting in the warm car and doozing on and off on the way home, catching Nestor look at you in the rearview mirror made you blush.
You all made your way inside as you felt the emotional fatigue of the day in your legs.
Nestor was waiting by the front door. Not for you it seemed. Just taking a moment.
"Can i be out here with you for awhile?" You asked, ready for him to say anything.
"Yeah."
"Thanks for tonight, for taking care of me."
"I know you can take care of yourself (y/n). I just didn't want you to feel alone out there." He spoke softly, sitting next to you.
You stared at his face for the first time it seemed. He was beautiful. You dared to glance down at his lips.
He followed your eyes. He wouldn't move qn inch on you tonight. He didnt want to chance pushing you but fuck did he want you so bad.
You weren't used to initiating, you could see he wanted you but wouldnt move. You closed the distance, stopping just short to see if he'd react.
His head just barely titled up towards you, you took it and kissed him, you being the one to take control felt good. You wondered if he was usually like this.
He was gentle and sweet and you found yourself appreciating it tonight. You grabbed his face and you deepened the kiss.
You felt brave and stood up and sat down to straddle him. He grunted in the back of his throat as you grabbed his braid he moved his hands to hold your thigh and ass.
The kiss slowed down and he smiled into it. You laughed, dropping your head into his shoulder, touching your lips.
"Wow uh-" you got off him, laughing with him.
"Yeah" he laughed, grabbing your hand. "Let's go inside."
He dropped you off at your room which felt cute and a little ridiculous. It was fitting.
Words failed you and it seemed to him, as well.
"Goodnight." He said softly again.
"Good night Nestor." You replied closing your door, silently congratulating yourself for not dragging him into your room.
Whatever, give it a week. You smiled.
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kuriboo · 5 years
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so. yugioh vrains is over. the last episode has aired.and with that in mind, with three seasons of this show, i’ve still got a lot of feelings about this show. especially that last episode. so i guess this is sort of the final thoughts and feelings post about yugioh vrains. not the last post in general about yugioh vrains. just the big opinions post, i guess, because there’s a lot.
yugioh vrains was good
yugioh vrains was very good. i liked it a lot. and me liking it a lot is the only criteria here for whether i’ll say it’s good or bad. i liked it! so it’s good.
i’m also very thankful that vrains has broken a curse yugioh has been suffering for awhile now. we’re talking about the dub. and no, i don’t really care that much that the dub censored some bullets, i think it’s funny, but i don’t care otherwise. this is just about general dub quality. zexal’s dub was bad. written bad quite a bit of the time, and a lot of the voice acting was just, not good. arc v, i can’t speak for the writing, because i only have seen like ten episodes of it, which is to be fair more than most people on this website, but the voice acting in arc v is atrocious, it’s worse than zexal. i’ve seen 20 episodes of the vrains dub, and look, i know. i know arc v’s main villain sounded like iago from fucking aladdin, i know that dub yusaku is voiced by someone who did voicework in zexal. but in 20 episodes of vrains, there wasn’t a single voice i didn’t like. the voice acting in vrains is good. and the dub is written well! it’s actually funny! i think i actually laughed more with the vrains dub than the sub for those 20 episodes. you know how the zexal dub tried to be funny every episode but it was just obnoxious? vrains was actually funny. the jokes are actually good. it’s been awhile since yugioh’s been dubbed well, and it was refreshing. the only thing i don’t like about the dub is that it only airs in canada and it’s impossible to watch in like any way online. i’m not done watching the dub btw eventually i’ll be able to watch more and i will watch more and i’ll be back here in this tag. if nothing else, i’m hoping it joins the other yugiohs on hulu or something when the dub’s done in like, two years. and if there’s a vrains manga i’ll definitely read it but like. shrugs on that.
the show’s got big megaman battle network, code lyoko, and the world ends with you vibes. i’m not saying this to knock vrains or anything. i love vrains. but if you like any of those games/shows, and you haven’t given vrains a chance, even if you haven’t watched any other yugioh series, i highly recommend it. the card games in vrains were very secondary to the story itself, and i think that went a long ways here, it worked well. 
so like, how was vrains, how did i feel about it
season one...season one was really good. in hindsight, season one had some good foreshadowing for season three. season one was probably my favorite season, though, but not by much. season one showed yusaku in school the most and i actually loved all the school scenes. revolver’s a really cool and interesting character, and while i’m glad he stopped being a villain after season one and went the sort of anti-hero route, revolver did make a really good villain. uncovering the mystery of the lost incident was fun. a lot of people guessed early on that revolver was both the person yusaku was trying to take down and the person he was trying to save, way before yusaku himself figured it out, but that wasn’t a bad thing at all. i’m pretty sure the show wanted the audience to figure it out before our protagonist, and the reward itself felt pretty rewarding. revolver has cool dragons, yusaku got a cool dragon, ai got insulted a lot, kusanagi was there, definitely a solid season.
season two was easily my least favorite season. bohman and blood shepherd kinda ruined it for me. thoguh, to be fair, blood shepherd didn’t do much. he gave us an excuse to get some takeru flashback, which we could’ve gotten through other means, and he sort of revealed judgement arrows and helped everyone be able to prepare for it, but like, anyone could do that. i hate blood shepherd a lot, but he’s easy for me to forget. i forgot him between episodes a lot, actually, and when he’d show up i’d have to be like, oh that asshole exists. bohman was worse because he was the main antagonist of season two. and he shouldn’t have been. bohman wasn’t a good villain imo! i feel like he wasn’t written super well. i can sort of make him work out in my head, but i don’t like him, and he kept just pulling ideas out that seemingly came from nowhere. he’d make these leaps that were hard for me to follow, and this was after lightning stopped messing with his memories. and since bohman was the main antagonist and because i really didn’t like him, it made it hard for me to enjoy season two. there were other good things in season two. takeru joined the scene in this season, and i love takeru a lot. i require apologies from everyone who didn’t trust my man takeru. lightning was a really good villain (lightning should’ve been the main antagonist imo), was very interesting, and i liked lightning a lot. and hell, haru was alright! i kinda wish they did more with haru. season two wasn’t bad by any means. we also saw the story of how kusanagi and yusaku met in season 2, and those were some of my favorite episodes of the season, along with the yusaku vs kusanagi duel. the story and message was good (though that doesn’t boost it up a ton given season 3 had the same messages) but honestly i just really don’t like bohman.
season 3 is very close to being my favorite season. this is the season of the protagonist having to face against their partner. it happens in like, any yugioh where the protagonist has a partner. vrains didn’t disappoint on that front. this season felt short! season two felt like it dragged on forever and season three felt short. it didn’t necessarily feel like it needed to be longer, when it ended, though. i just wish the show wasn’t over lmao. everyone got baited super hard like episode 1 when everyone thought queen would be the next antagonist after lightning + bohman and then she super wasn’t, which was kinda funny. most of hte time this season i was just yelling at ai to tell me the truth. i loved roboppy and ai this season. and im SO sad about what happened to them!! ai and roboppy were written really well, they made really good villains. i’ll definitely be making more posts about ai in the future. and also, that epilogue though!!! i didn’t get into it when i watched bc i was in a hurry, but!!! jin looks really happy, i love his haircut! and kusanagi is keeping the hot dog truck open so that yusaku still has a place to come home to! im gonna cry!!!! the knights of hanoi are all super good now and i love them. akira’s the ceo of sol!!! it’s what he deserves!!!!! and the whole takeru + kiku scene was really nice. everyone was screaming about that ship being canon now, which i guess it is? i didn’t read it as romantic, i read it as “kiku is a little scared about everything with vrains and takeru is helping her feel safe and secure, like, making sure she doesn’t fall off his hoverboard and shit”. i honestly read it more as takeru still being gay for yusaku while thinking about how cool yusaku is lmao. but i know yusaku + takeru will never be canon, i never thought it would be, and knowing yugioh, takeru + kiku im sure is supposed to be canon so like. it’s not a bad ship. i’m surprised how many people i see like that ship? but it’s just not for me i guess. im happy for yall who wanted this though. and that last scene!!!! we saw ai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’ll save thoughts on that another time i guess, including yusaku post that time skip.
i liked shima a lot this series. i honestly wish there was more of him lmao. i mostly wanted more yusaku + shima interaction, not in terms of shima finding out yusaku was playmaker, i just wanted the two of them to bond more. i wanted to see more of them being friends (read: shima forcing his friendship on yusaku and yusaku reluctantly goes along with it but actually likes it more as time goes on). and i wish we got to see takeru in the duel club at least once. takeru and yusaku both going to one meeting and yusaku sleeps through it and takeru is pumped and like taking notes and shit and shima is just like how can yusaku sleep through it this is the best!!!
aoi....i have mixed feelings on. i liked her a lot in season one, and i liked her a lot in half of season two. i really don’t like the blue maiden avatar (i did like blue girl!), and i preferred the trickstars over marincesses. i did enjoy her figuring out yusaku was playmaker though, that was a fun scene. i like aoi a lot still, love that girl, but after a point i stopped liking what they were doing with her.
they did ghost gal dirty. ghost gal was GREAT in season one. i loved her. and then they gave her a brother, her brother was shit, and everything about ghost gal got thrown out the window so that her character could revolve only around her shit brother. i feel so bad for her. i mean, i kinda get it? this whole thing’s about bonds, a lot of the bonds focused on were familial bonds (either in the blood family or found family sense, there was both). but ghost gal was already developing a sort of family-ish bond with akira and aoi by that point. i never felt like she needed anything else. she still could’ve done cool things in seasons two and three without having a shitstain forced into her life.
im madly in love with kusanagi and if anyone says a single bad thing about him i will stomp you to death with my hooves
i’m running out of people to talk about here i can’t avoid it anymore i’ll talk about blood shepherd now. i hate him. i hate him. he’s an idiot. i’ve yelled about this before and i’ll do it again. some shit happened to him because of malfunctioning ai or whatever. cool. great. now he has a grudge against all ai. that makes no sense. if im playing basketball and i get hit in the head by a basketball (by accident) am i gonna blame the basketball? no, i’ll either blame the person who threw it or myself for not noticing it and letting myself get hit. if i sprain my wrist playing volleyball am i gonna get mad at the volleyball? no, i’m mad at myself for messing up and playing in a way that caused that injury. if i get in a car accident because my car brake stops working, am i going to blame the car itself? maybe a little, but not as much as either the manufacturer or, if i recently had work done on the brake, the mechanic i visited. see, these things are all inanimate objects with no malicious intent or free will. since vrains is one of those shows, it may sound cruel comparing an AI to a car or a basketball. but the ignis (all generations, we’ll include pandor and bohman and haru in here for simplicitiy’s sake) are a special case. the ignis specifically stand out because they were made with free will. other artificial intelligence does not have that. it cannot have malicious intent. artificial intelligence cannot do anything it is not programmed to be able to do. it cannot hurt or kill someone, unless it is either programmed to have that function, or you’re looking at an ignis. and blood shepherd KNOWS THIS, because he became a hacker, and even REPROGRAMMED AN AI THAT WASNT SUPPOSED TO LIE TO LIE FOR HIM. along the way, he would’ve had to learn that somewhere. an ai malfunctioned and caused blood shepherd and his mom to get in a car accident. the ai itself isn’t to blame for that! that’s the fault of whoever made it!! or if the car was hacked to cause that problem, it’s the car manufacturer’s fault! you blame those people!!! and if blood shepherd went after those groups it’d be fine! instead he goes after artificial intelligences because he’s the biggest fucking idiot the world has ever seen. this does not make sense, even in the vrains universe, because again, the ignis are the only ai with free will and who can make their own decisions. any other ai cannot do something like this on purpose. the solution is to make ai better, not get rid of them. the solution is to improve security. not get rid of ai. at this point ai is so ingrained in society that you’re not gonna accomplish that anyway. oh, and i hate blood shepherd for what he did to ghost gal’s character. other than that, he was cool for two episodes before we learned his bullshit backstory, and he hasn’t done a single thing i liked since except he died twice, and i liked those parts. i fucking HATE blood shepherd. easily one of the worst yugioh characters ever. i could rant on about bohman, too, but im tired.
i don’t have bad things to say about a lot of characters. yusaku, kusanagi, jin, ai, roboppy, revolver, lightning, aqua, akira, earth, go onizuka, windy, i don’t really have bad things to say about them now that the series is over. i liked them a lot!!! they were really good. 
i guess the bottom line of this is, i wish yugioh treated its girls and its “joke characters” or “comic relief characters” better. and i wish bohman and blood shepherd didn’t exist, or were executed better. other than that, very solid.
if you were curious about my preferred ships here, yusaku + takeru is the best ship this show has to offer and it’s a shame more people don’t like it, and miyu + aoi is really good. anything else is like, okay, but i don’t love it. the show’s most popular ships are fine but not for me. yusaku + ryoken is okay but doesn’t really work in universe for me, i don’t love it but it’s fine, and it’s aight in a like real au setting. i don’t think there’s any ships i don’t really like, not like, other than the obvious. but these two are the best. 
all in all, vrains was really good. this show helped me through some real bad times, and will continue to do so as bad times continue. i love it lots, it holds a special place in my heart, and im glad i was able to watch it. im excited for whatever yugioh has to offer next, especially following this, because vrains is definitely one of my favorite yugioh series over all. it was a lot of fun and made me suffer and cry a lot and it was just...a good time. please watch it if you haven’t. thanks for going on this journey with me. i’ll probably end up talking more about bigger characters like yusaku and ryoken and takeru and kusanagi and ai more in different posts. ive talked enough here already
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curly-cal · 5 years
Text
L.H | Playing Innocent
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Premise: greaser!luke au where he gets a special surprise from the Golden Girl
Word Count: 3105
Warnings: swearing, oral (18+)
A/N: hiya, this has been requested, hope ya’ll like! i know its suppose to be greaser!universe type thing and that its technically suppose to be set in the 60′s but i wrote it in the time frame of maybe 1980′s? i felt like it was easier that way for me as its not a series i wanted to do an immense amount of research on.  This is also my first publish on this blog of any of my writing so i hope you like and pleeease give me feedback. Critique. anything. Its sooo helpful to know what ya’ll like and don’t. Also thank u for requesting bc this was fun to write and now im craving greaser!luke to take me for a spin on his bike. enjoy! xx
Masterlist
It wasn’t as if maths was something he struggled with, in fact, Luke considered himself quite clever when it came to the subject. However, when he found out that y/n was offering her spare time to anyone in the class who needed help, he thought it to be the perfect opportunity to get her to speak to him.
To Luke she was the prettiest girl in the school, maybe even the prettiest on the North side of Riverwood. He was enchanted by the way her hair fell in her face, the way her eyes crinkled in concentration, and how she had an answer to every question Mr. Dundell asked in class.
But Luke had a reputation that he was very well aware of, so he found it difficult to get someone like her to give him even the slightest of her time. She was a typical Good Girl in his eyes. She always got straight A’s, her attire was always perfect, she went home to a happy family, performed in the school plays and volunteered at the diner on weekends.
It wasn’t as if he was afraid to talk to her, not at all, Luke just found it much easier to go after the girls that were throwing themselves at him, rather than chase after some preppy little spoilt girl that would be too frigid to do anything with him anyway, so instead, he admired her from afar. He definitely thought about all the things he would do to her, though, all the ways he could put that chatty little smart-ass mouth to use, and when he did think of those candy pink lips wrapped around his cock, he found himself making excuses so he could go rub one off over her in the boys bathrooms.
_
 He was sitting up in the bleachers when he was caught, she was running laps around the oval for gym and for a split second she let her eyes stray from the path in front of her. They locked with his for only a short moment, but to Luke it felt like a lifetime. When she looked away, however, Luke found himself a little disappointed. A small sigh left his lips, one which didn’t go unnoticed by the hazel eyed greaser to his right.
“You jonesing for that preppy still Hemmings?” Ashton smirked, a tone in his voice that only portrayed mockery.
Luke rolled his eyes at his friend, diverting his attention to him nethertheless. “Shut up.”
Ashton let out a chuckle, but continued on with his teasing. “Isn’t she tutoring? Why don’t you ask dollface to help you out, then you can feel her up, get rejected and move on from this ridiculous crush you can’t seem to piss off.”
And that was how the plan became.
_
Later on that afternoon, Luke found himself transfixed on the girl who sat 3 seats in front and one across from where he had been sitting. She had a piece of hair curled around her finger as she listened to Mr. Dundell explain the notions of algebra. The school day was coming to an end, and not yet had Luke had the opportunity to speak to her since gym. He had a plan to catch her after class when everyone was cleared out, knowing full well that she’d stick around to speak to the teacher about extra notes, that was when he was going to make his move. He planned on playing the fool. To go over to Mr. Dundell and express how difficult he found the assignment and hoped she’d offer, or at-least the teacher would recommend her assistance, and that would be where the plan would begin.
30 minutes went by before the bell rung, then a sea of students jumped up and headed for the door in a rush, leaving only a few left behind. Luke watched as she packed away her things and headed straight to the teacher, where she did infact stand and ask for extra notes.
He quickly jumped up, grabbing his things and headed over to where they stood, but before he could reach her, she was off. Damn it. He thought to himself. He quickly ran after her, calling out her name in hopes she’d hear him in the pit of noise that filled the halls.
He finally caught up to her once she stopped at her locker, his hand flew flat against the locker beside hers, catching her attention as she looked up at the smirking boy standing before her.
“You’re a difficult girl to catch, darlin’” he grinned and wiped a stray strand of curl out of his face.
 Her frown was deep, but sat alongside confusion. She opened her mouth to speak, but stopped to rethink her words for a second. “What do you want?” She eventually spoke, but turned to continue putting her things away.
“Want your help, darlin’ my maths isn’t too good. Heard ya willin’ to help out”
Her ears perked at this, she turned and gave him and amused expression. “You want my help? No way.” She laughed as she closed her locker. Y/n began to walk away but frowned as Luke moved in front of her, stopping her in her tracks.
“And why not?” He was a little confused, but refused to show her anything but arrogance as he smirked down at her. “Where ya going, Darlin’?”
“Firstly, my names y/n, and secondly, I know you’re not struggling, Luke, you have one of the highest grades in the class. Besides, do you know how it’ll look if I’m seen with you? Already there’s a million eyes watching us.” She spoke as she scanned the hall.
Luke couldn’t help but let out a laugh at this. “You scared to be seen with me, Darlin’? You didn’t strike me as someone who cared about her reputation.”
“I don’t.” She huffed, her back straightening as she tried to stand tall, as if it would help her deceive him.
“Then help me.” He smirked, stepping closer, letting his face inch closer to hers in an attempt to seduce her. “I’ll come by the diner tomorrow, you can help me after you finish.” He winked at her and before she had an opportunity to interject, he was gone, leaving y/n standing in front of her locker in a state of confusion.
“What the heck”
_
It was Saturday afternoon and y/n was just finishing up the last of her duties at work. Luke hadn’t come by yet, much to her relief. She was hoping he’d just forget and she could go straight home and work on her assignment, not that she had much left, considering she had already finished most of the work yesterday after her class. Y/n wasn’t sure how the hell she had even managed to get as much done as she did, considering most of what she could think about was the blonde, curly-haired boy who was forcing her to help him.
It wasn’t as if she didn’t know of Luke, because she did. She knew of his reputation, and how he was considered trouble, he and the rest of his pals. The town called them the misfortunates of Riverwood. Notorious for getting into fights, graffiting the back of public toilets and getting caught and arrested by the police for public indecency, which was usually because they were screwing girls in their cars at the drive-in movies.
Being seen with him would definitely make her the talk of the town, and that’s what she was afraid of. Not because she cared of what the people thought, but because her parents had dressed her up as the towns ‘Golden Girl’. She loved her parents and wouldn’t ever want to do anything to displease them, which was why she was nervous. She knew that the reputation her parents tried so hard to maintain, for her benefit and theirs, would be demolished within seconds if people started to think she was in cahoots with the town's biggest trouble maker.
Her thoughts were abrupted by the sound of the diner doorbell, her eyes flicking to the man that had just been taking up her thoughtspace.
She wasn’t going to deny the fact that he was attractive, especially with him standing there in his leather jacket, his curls styled perfectly atop his head, jeans clinging tightly to his legs with what seemed to be a match stick rested between his lips. He gave her a wink as he began to stride over to her. “Darlin’” he nodded in an attempt to greet her. “Ya finished?”
She let out a small sigh, her hands going to the back of her body to untie the apron that adorned her. “Find a booth, I’ll be out in a second.” She turned on her heel and walked out the back, Luke doing as she said and finding a seat somewhere in the back of the diner.
When she came back out, she noticed his books out on the table, but caught a glimpse of him at the dukebox instead. She walked over to where he stood and cleared her throat. “We need to start so I’m home before 6 o’clock.” She sat down and began to flick through her notes.
“Early.” He hummed. “Ya parents strict, Darlin’?” He questioned as he chose a song and then returned to the booth, finally accompanying her.
She rolled her eyes, wishing she could lie without him knowing, but she knew he’d see right through it so she decided to not answer.
Luke let out a small chuckle, removing the stick between his teeth and let it slip between his fingers before speaking again. “Ya do everything they tell ya, Darlin’? They got ya on a leash or something?” He questioned.
“We’re here because you can’t do simple math, Luke, so how about we focus on that.” She bit back, clearly becoming agitated with his questioning.
His hands flew up, but he didn’t bother to hide the smirk that couldn’t help but permanently stick to his face. “Don’t get ya panties in a twist, just tryna see if you’re really as innocent as ya perceive, Darlin’.. clearly ya are.”
The book in her hands thudded against the table, causing a loud bang to fill the diner. Her eyes narrowed at him, a small huff leaving her lips. “Am not.”
“Pretty girls got anger. Don’t let daddy see.” He winked. “Cmon, you’re not fooling anyone, sweets. Everyone knows ya wouldn’t do anything a respected lady wouldn’t do. Would ya, darlin’?”
At this she rolled her eyes. She knew what he was doing. He was testing her, trying to get her to do something that would convince him she wasn’t who she pretended to be. He wanted to see how the real y/n behaved. Which was exactly what he was about to get.
“Fine. You want to see me be naughty? Because I can be naughty.” She hummed. When Luke only laughed at her words, a small ‘yeah right darlin’ left his lips she grinned back at him, a devilishly grin that he wasn’t ready for.
Her eyes grew bright, but filled with a strange colour. “I’ll prove it.” She stood, grabbing her things and quickly packing them away. She began to walk off, and when he didn’t follow, she turned on her heel and looked at him. “Are you coming or what?”
Luke jumped out of his seat and quickly ran after her, tossing everything he had brought into his own bag in the midst of motion. They walked out the front of the store and she turned to him. “Where’s your bike?” She smirked.
Luke’s brows raised but he didn’t speak a word, mainly because he was slightly in shock and confused about what was happening. He wasn’t sure how she was going to show him, but a thrill of excitement washed over him as they both walked to his bike. He helped her on and climbed on afterwards. He didn’t have a helmet to give, but she didn’t seem to mind.
As they drove off, her arms wrapped tightly around his stomach. Luke was sure he even felt her hand slip a few times against his member, but he wasn’t convinced it was on purpose, so he stayed quiet, and instead focused on the feeling of her breath on the back of his neck. “Where are we going?” He yelled out.
She grinned and pointed south. “Parklands, Hemmings.”
_
Luke pulled up at the reserve along the water. Trees surrounded them both as he put down the bike stand and waited for her to climb off before following suits. “What’re we doin’ her, darlin’?”
She smirked, her eyes glued to the boy before her as he leaned against his bike. “You wanted to know how innocent I was. I want to show you.” She spoke, seductive-like as she let her pointer finger run down his chest.
Luke’s eyes widened as he finally realised what she meant, but smirked as he began to play along. “Ya gonna show me how naughty you are, darlin’? Nah ya ain’t got it in ya.”
Her lips turned into a slight pout at his teasing. “You don’t know the half of it, Hemmings.” She hummed as she moved closer. She let her eyes stay glued to his as she began to slowly peel off his jacket. “You don’t know how good my mouth feels, how sweet my lips taste. How hot your body would feel up against mine.” She smirked, watching as Luke swallowed a lump in his throat. “You don’t know how well I can make you cum inside my innocent little mouth.”  
He let out a small moan, his eyes filling with lust as he watched the girl before him inch closer to him. All of the things he could only imagine doing with her was about to happen and he couldn’t wait to see how good that dirty mouth of hers felt. His dick grew harder and harder at her words, and all he needed was some sense of touch, so when she refused to give him what he wanted, and continued to tease him with her words, he began to grow agitated. “Darlin’, ya gonna prove ya ain’t all talk or am I gonna have to bend you over and get it out of ya?” He growled.
She smirked at this, her tongue clicking in disapproval. Her hands moved back against his chest, her nails scratching down the material against his chest, eliciting small moans from his lips. Once she had reached the bottom of his shirt, her fingers gently wrapped around the material and began to tug the white t-shirt that clung heavenly to his chest, up over his head and let it fall over his bike where his jacket hung.
Y/n moved quickly, pressing her lips to the exposed skin above his collarbone as she then began to let her lips make their way down his body, stopping a few times to nip and suck on his skin, making sure to leave love bites. Heck, she thought, if I’m going do this, might as well make it memorable. As she slowly reached the bottom of his torso, she found herself falling to her knees. Luke’s hands instantly tangled in her hair as she began to undo his jeans and slide them down his legs. She could see his hard on showing through his briefs, the sight of his large cock making her stomach turn in excitement. She slowly pressed her lips to Luke’s v-line while her fingers began the work of pulling off his boxers.
Once his cock was free, she let her kisses trail to the underside of his shaft, then slowly began to let her tongue trail over his prominent vein.
Even just her breath fanning him had Luke seeing stars, he tried so hard to watch her, but with every small, teasing action, Luke found his eyes drifting shut and his head rolling back in euphoria.
Once her tongue reached the tip of his cock, she hummed slightly, waiting for his eyes to reconnect with hers, and when they did, she gave him a cheeky grin before wrapping her lips around his head completely. A small moan left her lips as she tasted the pre-cum against her tastebuds. Y/n made sure her eyes never once left Luke’s as she began to the bob her head up and down against his cock, small moans escaping her lips and filling the quiet void that surrounded them, her tongue made work on running along his shaft as she continued to blow him.
Luke’s eyes were squinted, his lips in the shape of an ‘o’ as he let loud moans dance with hers. His hands worked her hair, fingers tangling and then releasing as he forced her down on his dick further. The moans and occasional gags began to feel all too much, the familiar feeling in his stomach forming as he looked down at the beautiful sight before him. “Darlin’ ya so good. Darlin’ ‘m gonna cum, ya gotta stop.”
When she refused to stop, Luke’s hands attempted to pull her off, but were met with her own, swatting them away. She continued to run her tongue as she bobbed her head, purposely moaning against his cock until she could feel liquid fill her mouth.
A loud grunt left his lips alongside a loud “fuck Darlin’ ‘m cumin’” as he released his load inside her. She continued to work him through his high, both of them now releasing quiet, short moans as she milked him of his orgasm.
After he had finished, he carefully helped her off his cock, a loud ‘pop’ noise leaving her lips as she smirked and looked up at him.
His chest was heavy and breathing uneven, but all he could pay attention to was the girl before him, down on her knees, looking up at him with a devilish smirk on her face, alongside a whole heap of saliva, mixed with his cum. “Not so innocent now, hm?” She smirked.
Luke let out a low chucked, his finger moving to wipe at the mess on her face before forcing his finger in her mouth for her to suck clean. “Not so much, darlin’ not so much.” He smirked as he removed his finger. “Should’ve asked for ya help earlier, who knew what I was missin’ out on.”
She grinned at that then stood up. “You never needed my help, did you hemmings?”
“Nah, but now Darlin’, now I might just.”
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tempestshakes01 · 5 years
Text
happy and anxious. 
happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 
but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?
i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 
1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  
it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 
i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 
i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 
an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 
i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      
in the end, we were ok enough. 
2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 
--
but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?
 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  
but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 
--
my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 
my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 
but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?
--
i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.
my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 
my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 
my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 
and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.
but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 
--
it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 
huh. wait.
i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.
did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?
--
went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 
trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 
gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.
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fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 
vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 
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anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧) 
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