For the past 2 weeks away from social medias, I've been looking for the reason why these happened. Now, I'm starting to see things, to see all these perspectives that I've been asking to myself for the last 3 months.
I'm starting to plan for myself, myself alone. (of course including my family) The future that I'm building/adjusting for someone else Here I am, I'm planning and doing it for myself not for anyone else.
I'm starting to spoil myself. Before, I am so guilty spoiling myself feels like not worth it, that's why I am so generous with my ex-gf, buying all these expensive things or all the things that they can use. I found happiness doing that to them. but right now, Not anymore.
I'm starting to see what I really want for myself.
I realized that when things are repetitive happening with same reason, meaning It cannot be change anymore.
I realized that I'm capable of letting go the person that I love the most and be happy for her even if it's not me who makes her happy.
I'm starting to feel the freedom of being single because I've been in a relationship for a very very long time. I was too focus to her that I forgot to take care of myself.
I know along the way, I will realize more of things about myself. Looking forward to that.
Finally, this time.. IT'S ME TIME.
my first d&d character was an elf ranger/herbalist whose personality was heavily influenced by me listening to sufjan stevens' album "carrie and lowell" constantly during that period of my life and he had a tragic backstory that included someone very close to him dying (which was a trauma i was dealing with myself) and him being rejected by his family because of circumstances out of his control. he was young and quiet and lonely and sad and chose to be kind and loving despite all he had been through and he had a special soft spot for children.
when i look back on it, i can see how much i projected into him, and i wish that campaign hadn't fallen apart due to people leaving for college and the dm having personal issues that made him unable to continue running the game, because i think it would have been nice to give that character a happy ending, but i also wonder if it was better this way. because the character had a lot of importance to me emotionally, i'm not sure whether it's better to give him closure or to keep his story open... if his journey never finished, then maybe mine won't either. if there's an uncertainty to it, if i don't know whether he found happiness in the end, then i can hope for him to gain what he needed, just as i can hope it for myself. maybe it's better to let him go on without a definite ending. maybe... i can stay with him, and he can stay with me, and we will brave our own worlds in our own ways. we are both incomplete, but i think that's all right for now.
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