#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining #once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol #like idk how to be friends #i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely #and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have #actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality #i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again #because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it #pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic #how do i start living again #how does one live anyway #im just in my head all the time #this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness #im so stupid!!! #im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself #im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself #but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go #idk how to be a person anymore #i’m just sad #thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol

[hellhoundlair]

venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed

#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the #guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over #and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO. #because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed. #but i wish we could #my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him. #i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too #vent #SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist #my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them. #i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it #AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room #and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes #baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying #and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it #but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie #and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much. #i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me #also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that

[silenthillbunni]

.

#ngl i am feeling veeeeery depressed rn #idk what to do.. i dont get *any* help at all w my mental health nd it just keeps getting worse #rn i feel like there is absolutely no hope at all. no hope for a better life. no hope for me to ever get better #no hope that i'll be ok. that the surgery will go ok. no hope that i'll ever get to move away from here #i feel so fkn stuck and i just dont have any energy or motivation to do anything at all #im so fkn anxious abt my health issue nd the surgery nd recovery #on top of that im so fkn stressed bc when smth like this happens i go completely non functional #so i dont know how to do my schoolwork now. i cant go to class bc i cant focus bc of the pain nd stuff #but if i dont do school what will happen w my wellfare?? #idk idk idk what to do there are just too many things #and there is absolutely NO FKN HELP AT ALL in this wretched society #no help. my mom does as much as she can but she's also sick nd deals w years long burnout #im at a point where i dont feel like i know how to keep going. i just wanna lie down nd give up #but then i might become homeless nd that'll be so fkn much worse so i have to do smth #i need to try to talk to school nd my wellfare worker but i dont expect help #they'll just tell me to suck up the pain nd do everything anyway so idk i dont even feel like trying #im feeling more depressed than ever and it doesnt matter if i ask for help bc there is none for me #i want to get out of this nd make a life for myself but idk how #and i see NO light at the end of the tunnel at all. no light whatsoever. everything feels fkn pitch black #everythings just bad nd it is contaminating my mind completely nd idk how to stop it #i cant even cry i just feel so empty yet overwhelmed i want it all to just stop i cant keep up cant do it anymore idk how #but ending it all takes too much effort. there rlly should be just a pill u get prescribed. it is inhumane to force ppl to go thru more suff #also i wont do that to my mom so like im stuck here either way. i dont want to feel like this i want to feel ok i want to feel hopeful #and bright nd like maybe there is a chance nd way for me i dont wanna feel.. utter despair

[weskinz]

maybe if i go back on antidepressants ill ask for wellbutrin

#p #like yes i am pretty depressed rn but i dont feel like killing myself like i did when i was on viibryd #no genetic altercations my ass i was on that shit for years and just now looking back at my messages and notes no wonder i was scaring ppl #i was so anxious one time i had to sit in my brothers room so i knew he wasnt going to die suddenly #and i was so so so scared but it was like there was a mental block where it couldnt become a panic attack jst paranoia #but i was one degree from it. just imagining what i did to him happening to me scared me to death and i had to reassure myself #my mom asked me abt it the other day like 'hmmm. wouldve been nice to let me know you werent on it anymore. seems like a thing your mother- #'-should know.' and like yes since im still completely dependent on her in all aspects but man #i didnt want to explain i had no interest in seeing lisa anymore and i was just done. i was so tired of my lows being so fucking low #and not even noticing they were so bad yknow #do i even know how to be honest anymore. no i dont think of killing myself but i dont see a future for myself either #i have no goals no motivation no nothing #its selfish to want to die but its like that mytoecold dude video where hes like 'if i spilled milk and then killed myself technically- #'-the problem would be gone' like yeah. that is true. how do i get that out of my belief system #he was a raging addict btw i just saw that video. crazy and sad but i guess when you are dealt a bad hand you see eye to eye

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

#^ guy who is not out of a depressive ep like he thought he sorta was #dont even like particularly feel the old urge of the anxiety/need to hurt my relationships like i used to..i just feel like shit. #short list of people i think i could handle like really speaking to rn but ultimately. i just want to be somewhere safe and easy #even if that feeling is like making me feel sorta suicidal still. #just dont have it in me to like figure out how to act normal right now. something i have to do around most people and nearly everyone #i intreact with irl right now #not healthy. Ofc naturally i know this. and i can push through it. im just not excited about it. #the exhaustion to like contain myself is greater than my lonliness even though that is rather large #and i would like to get this out of my system before like. the semester starts next week. which i know i cant like control but whatever #this is all sooooo stupid. i need to be alone but i need compaionship of someone i trust. #it feels like there is glue in my mouth and i can barely speak to people im not close with bc of how exhausted and anxious i am #man. thearpy is like. going to really . idk. probably not help my mood. bc it has been hard for me to word what has been happening to me #and im always so scared of saying something that will get me hosptizaled again. Even when it shouldnt. bc im not going to do anything. #but i am scared and tired simply. and while so much has gotten better and ive gotten so much better there are some things that i just. #cant seem to figure out how to fix or ask for help. whatever. Guy who is stupid and helpless and will have to just get over it at some poin #sry i just feel like shit. i should probably just eat something i havent been eating much. and then i will probably feel a bit better #news with isaac

[alasy]

advices are welcome because i ✨dont know anything anymore✨

#this friend of mine is the sweetest #we always got along even though we're very different #in the way that im a very closed off person i dont like social media and i will not reply to texts and its nothing personal its just me #he on the other hand is very talkative. loves showing affection and has like 3 different podcasts and he's friends with literally everyone #long story short he graduated and moved cities it's been 3 months #also i went through a very bad depressive episode and im still crawling out of it #he says im distant and its not because the lack of texts but because there isnt a way to communicate with me #i say im depressed and its disappearing is nothing new and he knows this. that all im asking is time #he says he's anxious and has abandonment issues and that his love language is words of affirmation #i say i was never a person that says much from the beginning and listed all other things ive done and sacrifice myself for him #he says he understands and he feels loved and cared for by me. still his love language is words of affirmation and he needs it #it feels like a demand even though he keeps saying it's not #he says there's nothing wrong with me being an overall absent person and that the problem is with him #his insecurities and words of affirmation is the way out of it #and i dont know what to do anymore #i want someone to tell me im in the wrong and that friends give in for each other #but everyone keeps saying this is not okay and i dont know i understand where he's coming from #i just .... im so tired #'ik you said you dont have energy but do you see where im coming from?' left a bad taste in my mouth #idk my heart is heavy im so exhausted and i wish he had read that damn text i sent him carefully and not rushed to replu #reply* #how can a person respect your boundaries and still cross them and then no it's actually you misunderstanding? #aita #personal

[godmerlin]

Ugh I have my disability hearing on Friday to find out if I'm eligible or not and im so fucking nervous. I have NO CLUE what to expect. I haven't even met my representative in person. I'm so anxious I feel sick to my stomach and I can't slow breath because everytime I try to I cough from this damn cold that's taking its time to leave my system. I so just want to sleep but majorly overly thinking everything.

#if im declared disabled it will be such a relief #if im not then i don't know what to do with myself lol #it also seems weird they make mentally ill people do shit like this #like way to drive me into an episode... #was manic last week and now im a heaping pile of depression and anxious #having to email my therapist every day so i dont go off the deep end #i see her thursday. ugh #personal #mental illness

[caffeinatedopossum]

When I had that panic attack the other day, my girlfriend really put some things into perspective... I don't know, I think I feel bad because this is the best my life has ever been and I'm still depressed and anxious. It feels like I can't do anything for myself and the things I can do, I don't.

But she said that she would feel the same in my position. That actually, when she was the most depressed, she *was* in my position. She said she'd go crazy from not being able to do anything all the time and for some reason that helped a lot. Like, just to hear that its not wrong to feel like this and that I really am doing everything I can.

It feels so greedy and selfish to look at my life being the best it's ever been and to still ask for more but I guess it's normal.

#i genuinely havent processed how much better things can get still because it feels like it will never happen #like im probably going to be getting top surgery this year. almost definitely even #but i cant believe it. ive waited so long that it seems like somethimg *has* to mess this up for me too #my whole life people have treated me like i need to just push through my anxieties. if i just pushed through then id feel better #if i just pushed through then id be normal #but now its even worse. i cant leave my house without help and its not that i *wont* i actually can't #i can push myself to but it isnt normal. im internally on the verge of a panic attack anytime im outside alone or in an unfamiliar place #but people dont see those things. they just look at me and see that i can but i choose not to #how do i tell them that not every choice is that easy #ny choices arent what to eat for breakfast and which parent will pick up the kids from school #its whether i stay in my house anxious and depressed and pain or leave my house for the promise of it getting better #knowing that 9 out of 10 times it has made it much worse #its deciding whether or not to ask for help when you need support but the problem cant be 'helped' #trying to guage what people will and wont take it personally that i have problems they simply arent qualified to fix #and even some problems that no one can fix

[one-way-dream]

oughg sorry

#was able to cry a little for the first time in weeks and it worked for a bit but now im. feeling kinda wack again #wish my depression could let me do things to get feelings out but i had to be cursed w executive dysfunction #biting and killing and maiming #i dont want to be whiny about it but aughfhffnghd #when barely anything sparks joy it is hard everything feels hard #i am tired of waking up like this but i don't really. have a right to complain #everything just makes me retreat further into myself i am tired #i don't really know why but i am #i dont think i was able to get the past year out of my system properly and #i keep having dreams about my sister and i and i keep waking up disturbed or anxious or sick or angry or annoyed #weird ass state of burnout and every day i wake up and go through the exact same cycle of just #trying to keep myself calm until i inevitably shut down from something minor in the afternoon and the intrusive s/h thoughts drive me insane #then the rest of my day is ruined so like a solid 12 hours until i can. be stable-ish again #i cannot even do things to get my mind off of it other than brain numbing shit like lets plays on yt #[shrek voice] they cant even afford therapy #something wrong with me and i cannot rly figure out what or if im being overly sensitive n dramatic about everything #nothing is even Happening irl and things are completely normal and fine for the first time in months snd yet? #jesus christ . WHY. #o|-< oughg #tee.xt #vent / #personal / #sory for farty rocking ill probably delete later if i remember

[yongseungkim]

.

#like i definitely need therapy lol #not that i havent tried in the past nothings just worked/stuck like the therapists werent a good fit for me perhaps #so im trying to reach out again because holy shit #i want to a) get out of my phd and b) have normal fucking friendships #but its so hard right now when anxious thoughts take over SO much some days like i know i cannot do this on my own #i have good friends i know who will hear me out #but man its the same thing over and over again with me but in a new font sometimes i swear #and my friends dont need to hear all those anxious depressive thoughts lol like #once in a while sure esp my closer friends but all the time? nawr #i have been trying to journal but man the emotions just bubble up and i dont feel better until ive like said things out loud #so honestly just having someone to rant about the same issues over and over again might be nice lol . #but i need to find a therapist that fits which is the hardest part #i do think ive made small strides on my own which is nice #but the emotions are just so loud and genuinely affect my day to day like its so hard battling things on my own #im at the point now where im like this cant go on for much longer somethings gotta change #if i want to have a phd in the next year and if i want to maintain friendships normally #and esp if i wanna stay roommates with this girlie cuz holy shit its been a lot harder than i expected maybe #i dont think i can do it on my own without major reprecussions #bro its also been like so long #i feel like ive always had some human i was extremely fond of for the past ?? years albeit most of them were like fake right like in the kp #*kpop world so it was fine when it becomes a real person it is absolutely terrible let me tell u . #but its also been a habit like i didnt realize how terrible my thoughts w ys were until now cuz they really wernet normal thoughts at all #like i want to break free of having these kind of attachments to people in a way cuz the only way i feel like ive been able to deal with bi #feelings is by transferring them to a new subject which isnt what i want anymore #like i just want it all to stop! #i also feel like mentally ive gotten worse ?? than before ?? in some ways like #i dont know if i want to make new friends and connections anymore #the same way i was trying so hard in the previous year which is worse bc now my efforts are like #SOLELY on this one girl in a way which is NOT. GOOD. #ive been trying to have conversations with the third roommate but i have to force myself?

[arthur-r]

all my fucking teachers are pitying me though???? like oh my fucking god i thought i wasn’t going to be that person anymore?? are you telling me that mental illness and physical illness and access concerns and low energy and motivation don’t go away when you move four hours away from home????

#my fucking linguistics teacher. is such a good person but i feel so fucking awful and hopeless #he emailed my academic advisor!!!! what is that supposed to mean he thinks i can’t do it #i missed class on wednesday because i was having combination flare-up and panic attack (where i feel sick and it makes me anxious and the #anxiety makes me sick and it keeps going in this evil cycle and i can’t make it stop) #everyone is out here four weeks into the semester saying ‘‘this isn’t like you’’ maybe it is though???? #‘if my very existence is so fragile that i can only hold onto it three months out of the year am i allowed to make it define me?? #am i allowed to say i’m not myself right now or is this the most myself i’ve ever been? #if i only look like myself from the right angle in the right lighting with the right frame of mind / maybe myself is not my self after all’’ #^ shitty poetry i wrote in fucking 2020. here i am again. it just keeps coming back!!!! #i feel sick. every second i spend trying not to be so desperate and alone just leads to more lonely desperation just later?? #you can’t just fill emptiness with limited human connection and expect it to stay filled when they leave???? unthinkable #why is my teacher saying my fucking name???? why is my teacher saying my fucking name i’m not fucking broken #like i feel like they’re putting me on suicide watch when i didn’t fucking do anything. oh my god there’s room inspection today #i’m in my bed sobbing there’s going to be fucking room inspection today #that’s fine. that will be fine. i’m going to class soon anyway. i dont know. it’s just. like everyone is trying to make me feel seen #but i don’t WANT to be seen i want it not to MATTER i don’t want to be identified as struggling!!!! #because first and foremost this is an issue of failing my classes. and i want to look away and pretend that’s not true #and everyone is watching me struggle and sending kind heartfelt messages. saying i just seem sad and distant #but im NOT and i WASNT and they don’t understand that i’m just fucking like this!!!! i’m not failing because i’m depressed i wasnt depressed #until i started failing. they think that if i can push away the feelings there’s a functional human being underneath #‘​‘i found you on the floor like you wanted to / now i thought you wanted more is this all that you could be????’’ #im so caught on how he was using my name. what the fuck is that about. it wasn’t in a normal way it was apposition. it was manufactured #‘​‘sorry you’ve been under the weather [comma] arthur [comma] but glad you’ll be in class. just let me know if i can help’’ #i dont know. am i the only person who feels like it’s talking-to-depressed-people-101?? Remember To Make Them Feel Human. Give Them Identity #Say Their Name so they know anybody fucking cares. i know i sound fucking insane right now i’m sorry #my only real friend here is out of town this weekend. i just feel lonely and isolated with no way to break out of it #crazy idea you guys ​maybe i shouldn’t be in the fucking honors program if i’m like this already. four fucking weeks in #i dont know. i just feel really upset and strange and broken and everywhere at once. i hope everyone is okay #vent cw #friends only

[jaylleoo14]

How I like to draw the twst characters because nobody asked

♡ i like drawing Jade two ways: Pretty boy twink or a "your daughter calls me daddy too"

♡ For Azul its either an unhinged crazy ass who might secretly be a boy loser or a fucking smartass scum who isnt pathetic

♡ Floyd is.... well, Floyd. He's silly! I love him unconditionally <3 (no i dont thats a lie- ACK HELP HES CHOKING ME-) Joking, I LOVE drawing him having threatening and scary faces. (that goes for Jade as well)

♡ Idia is either a whimpering begging mess or hes a fucking cocky menace whos actually threatening

♡ Leona is soft shy lion or a badass (yasss slay queen, we stan you‼️) and sassy at the same time (Have you seen the way he stans with his hand on his hip?)

♡ Vil is just strait up serving cunt, no words needed (she is always SERVING from the university of servington with a degree in serving cunt) I always draw him winning because she always is (we stay winning💯)

♡ Rook is an unhinged stalker with a crazy obsession or he's just a silly little lad whos always supportive of others (I like drawing him threatening too)

♡ Epel is my pretty boy who I love to draw because he's so pretty. I like to draw him very wild though and rambunctious

♡ Rollo is literally the same as Idias except he tries to hold his pride feeling really embarrassed

♡ Riddle has a strong presence and personality which i like to convey, being ruthless yet being incredibly soft. I like drawing him cute and pretty sometimes too :3

♡ TREY HAS NICE MF ARMS YOU KNOW DAMN WELL IM DRAWING HIM SCRUMDELIOUCIOUS

♡ Cater makes me sad, so I indulge myself in it. I like drawing him around deep and depressing themes, sometimes dark as well.

♡ Ruggie is either street punk cool and swaggy or damn attractive with an unhinged and sneaky overlay

♡ Jack is so cute to me, I like drawing him as the tsundere he is with a playful side to him with the overprotective bodyguard vibes

♡ Ace... I HATE THAT STUPID MF!!! God he's so annoying we might as well date already >:( He's super playful and flirty and i like drawing him sly and sometimes awkwardly flustered

♡ Deuce is my baby boy crush >\\\\< Hes so precious literally he's my soft boy. I love him sm omg

♡ Malleus is so awkward and somewhat stoic, yet thats what makes him cute! He's like a himbo to me hahahaha hes so silly to me sometimes but then im like, oh wait, hes hot. And then i do a 360 and all of a sudden he's this hot smirking bastard

♡ Lilia is so drippy he's my little doll, I want to style him in so many different ways (●ˇ∀ˇ●) and he's so badass yet girlypop at the same time, hello?? No one can pull it off like Lilia does, its the bisexual in him 🤞

♡ Silver is so sweet and pretty, though I always draw him sleeping because its so easy just drawing someone sleeping in low quality T0T (sorry Silver stans)

♡ Sebek is a silly little guy who I want to kick for the fun of it sometimes ^-^ But I like drawing him getting teased a lot or often getting picked on because I find it funny

♡ Jamil being a sassy overworked mom who always too tired to show any type of expression other than showing anger, exasperation, or an anxious stressed out look. Other than that, its a tired deadpan face for me as he's holding a mug saying "kys." Jamil is like a little hater to me and I stan that <3

♡ Kalim being oblivious and a bit slow, but other than that hes the happy radiating sunshine we all know as. I like giving him moments where hes so genuine and kind where you're just completely soft around him and an arrow shoots through your heart

♡ Ortho is that friendly neighbor! I like him drawing him being supportive of others and always being Idia's right hand man who can also be sneaky and sly

This doesnt usually apply to their yandere self though ^^

#jellorambles #twisted wonderland #twst #riddle rosehearts #trey clover #cater diamond #ace trappola #deuce spade #leona kingscholar #ruggie bucchi #jack howl #azul ashengrotto #jade leech #floyd leech #vil schoenheit #rook hunt #epel felmier #kalim al asim #jamil viper #malleus draconia #idia shroud #ortho shroud #lilia vanrouge #silver twst #sebek zigvolt #rollo flamm

[silenthillbunni]

.

#ok im not gonna let myself complain abt it too much. even if complaining is very cathartic to me. like its just part of the process #anyway im gonna try to not do that.... #but yeah i hate being ill and in pain. it's like a veil is pulled over myeyes and the entire world gets so dark and scary #idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy #my experience with healthcare is sadly that treatment never helps and nothing gets better #so that's why i always get kinda depressed when something like this happens #the doctor suspects it is gallstones. and i got those rectal pills skskks that i'll try for the pain #then i just need to wait to get an ultra sound scan so they can check for gallstones. then i dont know #i was too stressed to ask her abt diet and such but im reading online and im like?? idk what im supposed to eat #that pain is just fkn awful and im so scared of triggering it #esp bc i dont fkn know how to put a pill up my ass that stresses me out even more #if i had an ordinary life i.e a job and friends and such it's easier to handle these things. but when u feel vulnerable nd scared it makes #it sm worse..... #and im so fkn stressed abt school now!!!! how am i supposed to sit and class when im in pain???? and barely sleeping #yeah idk. i need to find a way to get thru this ksksks :((((( #maybe im over dramatic or smth. i prob am. but i cant describe it im just in sm pain and im scared and confused and stressed af #i also have no idea how long this will last or if i can start eating normally and when i can start going for my walks again #like will this not pass until they remove the potential gallstone or what?? #i hate this pain sm it hurts so bad i dont know how long i'll be able to endure it #im also getting closer to a depression so.. idk im just not ok rn ksks

[blonde-tori-spring555]

ugh i hate when i feel on the verge of a panic attack

imma rant for a sec soz, u dont have to read the whole thing

...

im just so stressed rn, with school, family, friends and ive got like two auditions i need to prepare for and tbh i just feel anxious for no reason, i feel like im getting 'bad' again, like were i was just in my room and doing the same thing everyday and my brain hated that, and i just felt numb, like i dont think im depressed or anything like idk, i feel like i should explain what happened to originally make me feel like this, i wont go into full detail ect, but yeh

basically i was friends with this girl (we met at performing arts classes) and she i guess never rlly treated me amazing and was always slightly werid for example (not saying this is weird but from the way she is irl and they way she sounded seemed strange) so last year i was facetiming her and i was like "oh btw ive got a bf now", and she kinda seemed a bit Awkard, like her smile faded and she was just kinda like "oh thats great for u" a bit numbly (i should probs mention she isnt straight and for all ik she is bi) and then instantly changes the subject to "oh btw i was thinking of asking out-" and yeh we talked about it, anyway i spoke to my mum how i thought it was a bit weird and my mum said "oh hahaha maybe she has a crush on u" and im (pretty sure im) straight so like i didnt know how to react, anyway fast forward she started to act rlly weird and yeh, like kinda being a bit dramatic about stuff, anyway one week, this was in October, i didnt rlly text her because i was rlly busy, i was hanging out with my school friends and stuff, and i wanna say she could of text me and i would of responded, maybe not right away but i would of told her i was a bit busy if she had asked, but no, one of our friends told us she was upset that i hadnt been texting her and that i should, yk so i did, and she didnt respond, then she left our performing arts gc (with our friends in it from there) so i asked her why and two days later she responded saying she felt she didnt fit it, and at this point i was kinda sick of this drama so i was by choice not gonna text her for a few days and take care of myself, then one day while at school she send me a fucking video (like a capcut edit) basically calling me and my friends from theatre bad friends, and saying i need to send it to them, anyway i didnt and we told the woman that owns our company, and btw my mum knew the whole time, from when she started acting strange, and my mum was saying to the woman that owned the company, that she will call the poice if needed and if it has been sent out and posted (the video had my face in it), then she text me calling my mum stupid and calling me stupid so i blocked her, and after that i told her we are not friends and to leave me alone, then in December i repeated we are not friends but im not sitting here being pissed anymore so like forget about the shit and move on BUT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, anyway this bs has been dragged on for like 5-6 months and she fucking keeps harassing me to the point ive had to block her on all platforms. anyway yeh :)

#ive left details out #because i aint a bitch #also soz ik i sound dramatic rn #but its a boundry for me #whether it was done to me or a friend i wouldnt be friends with the person that did it #lil add the girl she was dating #relationship but she said hell no and dumped them

[dizzeeflower]

I guarantee you there is one manifestation of disability that almost everyone on this planet has actively laughed at and made fun of. yes, even you

can you guess what it is?

it's something there are constant gags about in media, something people mention in passing as a joke

something that if it presented itself in a public space i guarantee in most situations would be openly and loudly mocked (and if not humour, most people would at least express disgust)

don't believe me, do you?

✨ incontinence ✨

yep, it's incontinence. (get your giggles out now folks)

I am partially incontinent due to a fun cocktail of mental and physical disabilities and i know for a fact this is where people will stop reading, have a little laugh, and move on thinking this isn't worth the read anymore

but please, if you want to be a true disability ally, stick around and listen.

5% of the world population is estimated to be incontinent to some degree. 1 in 20 people (and no, that is not just elderly people)

so yea when you're in the grocery store, or at the gay bar, or seeing your college theatre's rendition of Grease - chances are there's a good handful of people in the crowd who struggle with incontinence.

it might be just someone who has minimal stress incontinence - something very common in people who have been pregnant - or someone who has adhd and forgets to go to the bathroom, missing the cues from their body that they are desperate, or yea it could be the 85 yr old grandma who wears diapers.

the point is, all of these people deserve respect for their bodies. everyone does. and this includes bodies that malfunction sometimes.

'omg thats so funny im gonna pee myself' 'reddit boys can go piss in ur little baby diapers' - great comeback bestie, but can we move on from them now? im gonna be honest these don't offend me personally, but it's worth being aware of where the humour of these comments comes from. its rooted in ableism

but something that does offend me and something that genuinely triggers me to have panic attacks and can push me into an anxious depressive state for days at a time, is when a character wetting themself is used as the butt of a joke on screen.

i'm thinking season one of stranger things. yeah, most of us know the scene right? when eleven forces a bully to pee his pants in front of the whole school? yep, triggers my ptsd right good that one does. and my siblings ptsd. and im sure many many many more ppl with incontinence (or even ppl without it who had the unfortunate experience of an accident in school)

if you found it funny, i dont care at this point. keep doing you. i dont blame you, okay? but i just want to ask that you reconsider WHY you laughed. 'because he pissed himself' okay but WHY is that funny? 'older kids and adults arent supposed to piss themselves' yea well it happens sometimes to most people at least once, and to 1 in 20 people much more often than that. so WHY is that funny?

keep asking why why why... and if in the end you can't think of WHY, then maybe there isnt a reason for you to laugh at it except that you've been taught to by osmosis. because everyone else laughs

dont give up here, because this is where i want you to really think. is it worth it?

is it worth laughing at something just because everyone else is, and risk 5% of the population going into a self conscious spiral, a panic attack because of your mocking, making them think they will never be accepted?

obviously u making a "im gonna piss myself" comment while laughing does not put 1 in 20 ppl into a panic attack, but u get where im coming from now i hope

so if you're still reading, im guessing you want to reconsider some of your behaviours and comments about this subject. thank you! now that you've realised where these jokes are rooted, you're going to start noticing a lot more often just how much this disability is mocked in society.

but what else can you do to help?

consider sticking up for us because understandably incontinent people dont tend to stick up for themselves lest it out us as incontinent. because admitting that is still met with laughter and disgust. help us jumpstart the incontinence acceptance by speaking up for the silent minority whenever an incontinence joke comes up in class/family gatherings/general conversation (this is my opinion, any other incontinent folks are v welcome to challenge this if u would rather ppl didnt for whatever reason!)

another thing you can do is - you won't like this - dont call ppl disgusting for buying adult diapers with silly animal characters on. unpopular opinion here on tumblr dot com, i know

but listen: incontinence products are disability aids! pullups, incontinence pads/pants, adult diapers, these are all disability aids. not products of k!nk, not things to snigger at in the pharmacy.

and would you complain about someone putting hello kitty stickers on their walking cane? would you think it gross for someone to doodle little stars and affirmations on their wheelchair armrest? is it wrong if someone wants pink hearing aids instead of a nude coloured ones? no?

then don't laugh if someone wants lil hearts on their pullups, and don't fake gag if you happen to see purple patterned adult diapers on ur dash. sometimes humans just like to decorate their bodies and extensions of their bodies. this is just that. and lets be real, plain white nappies just aren't the vibe sometimes

~ while we're at it, ppl with stoma bags are beautiful and deserve to wear whatever they want to feel comfortable and handsome as hell 😘 ~

and let me address the elephant in the room. yeah, some people have a f3tish for this stuff (just like anything can be made into a f3tish). whatever. if ur against that stuff then idc pls dont talk abt it in the tags and comments. anyway it is NOT an excuse to find actual disabled ppl disgusting for needing these aids.

and heres the funny thing: you usually can't tell if someone uses diapers for a f3tish or for their disability, or possibly both!

so you're gonna have to not attack random ppl on the internet bc you don't know what their life is like (what a shocking new hot take)

if a 46 yr old balding man with a beer belly and chest hair who isn't visibly disabled mentions he uses diapers, don't assume he's a creep and its a k!nk. it might be, sure, but it might be a condition or disability that you have no right to comment on or judge him for.

so if youre squicked by it just block and move on, don't send anon hate, dont make a post about how these types of people make you sick. you might just lose a valued mutual who was secretly incontinent and thinks you hate them for it now (whether this is right or wrong, its often how these things come across)

(btw if anyone fuckin talks abt k!nk on this post im going to scream directly in ur ear :) make ur own posts and don't bring any f3tish discussion onto mine)

had to get that out of the way unfortunately because this is a condition that is so unfortunately overrepresented by the f3tish side. i wouldnt have to talk abt k!nk on many other posts about disabilty aids but this one unfortunately was necessary

it's exhausting

imagine having a disability that requires aids thats almost EVERYONE winces at, laughs at, mocks loudly. and then to come on tumblr, the place that is meant to be full of acceptance from strangers in similar circumstances, queer and disabled and poc - but the moment your aid is brought up in discussion its seen as something disgusting and the property of freaks and creeps and people who are evil and want to do children harm

it's exhausting, like i said

i dont have much else to add honestly, im shit at writing cohesive posts (especially when im physically shaking with anxiety bc woohoo announcing to possibly thousands of ppl that im incontinent) but if anything i just hope you will question yourself if you laugh at this stuff in future

im going to go back into my little anxiety hibernation hole and never open up about this condition again ✌🏼

as for the incontinent population, we’re pretty silent about this condition so it’s easy to forget abt us. but please just keep us in mind and stick up for us when u can

— for clarity: incontinence is not ALWAYS a disability, it is a condition that can affect ppl on a sliding scale. for some it is a mild inconvenience, for some it severely impacts daily life. for some it is the only physical condition their body experiences, for some it is a symptom of a predetermined mental or physical disability such as generalized anxiety disorder or paraplegia. whether or not it is considered a disability, acceptance of ALL incontinence is a good step to eradicating this source of ableism —

no one has to reblog this but pls consider it if this has opened ur eyes a lil and u wanna open some more

#watch this get 8% of the notes my autism acceptance post got (: #thats generous tbh maybe more like 0.5% lol #my post #disability acceptance #disability positivity #incontinence #incontinence positivity #incontinence acceptance #ableism mention

[scarrletmoon]

okay

not to sadpost on main bc i do appreciate those “your friends don’t hate you!” posts but the problem is that when i suspect someone has an issue with me and won’t say it, ive been right. like i may be autistic but im highly sensitive to when someone im close to is upset with me and then continues to pretend like everything is fine, and it’s happened more than once

granted, it turns out the people who made me feel this way were kind of bad friends/totally incompatible no matter how much fun we had initially. i guess there’s just something about me that makes some people put me in the “tap dancing court jester” category in their heads bc the second i express how actually depressed or anxious i am, suddenly they want to run away fast but dont seem to know how to do it. so they just (unintentionally i think) project deeply uncomfortable vibes at me until i break down, and sometimes even then i don’t get a straight answer

im so worried all the time that im an awful person and people can smell it on me but keep waiting for me to guess that they don’t like me anymore, and it means im not always fully honest about how i feel around people i like bc it’s happened more than once

so i have a tendency to hold others at arms length bc i know i can be too much and too annoying and it’s a lot better to reject myself and walk away (yeah my fave character is ed teach, why do you ask) than have someone turn around months later and be like “actually you’re kind of a dick and i haven’t liked you for months”

i choose my close friends very carefully now and they just have to people who’ll be upfront with me when they’re feeling off — even if they’re not entirely sure what the off feeling is! — bc otherwise i just. completely fall apart. i am so scared all the time of turning into my mother. and when someone is my best friend, i REALLY mean that shit. so i just. idk. maybe my boundaries don’t make sense but there’s also a part of me that just can’t be friends with someone after i’ve hurt them in a certain way bc i can’t forgive myself. which is a me problem! but like. why would you want to be friends with someone that self centered. why would you want to be friends with someone who keeps stepping on your toes. at a certain point, me apologizing isn’t going to override the very real sting in your toes, even if it was all an accident

ANYWAY this is getting away from me and i just woke up so i probably shouldn’t personal post on main bc doing that has also gotten me into trouble bc people think im trying to vague about them so they’ll come and beg me for forgiveness or something but that’s not!!

“get a diary, freak” yeah you’re right, the internet isn’t my diary and i shouldn’t have used it as one since i was 12

anyway. anyway. this is gonna be a fun week 🙃

#scarrlet rambles