#if my brain makes me think these thoughts then you have to suffer with me

[commander-rahrah]

I'm excited to read it too! I'm glad you find it interesting! Don't worry about your post because long! Your thoughts are so interesting!

I agree that Astarion would have to come to terms with Reader/Tav's boundaries too since it works both ways! I definitely feel that Astarion would be too lost in drinking from the blood of a sentient creature to notice the signs.

He would feel ashamed when he's aware of their fear yet they still chose to offer despite that might made him feel like he manipulated them like Cazador did to him 😭

What his excuses are if they try to offer in the early days makes sense! He would be too ashamed & terrified to have such a vulnerable conversation with them yet 😞

He would feel safe enough to bring up their fear after he confessed about everything. He would make it clear to them he doesn't want them to suffer by making them do something they don't want to like he did especially after how much they have helped him & how important they are to him 😭

He would respect their decision if they said it's too much for them. He would support everyone's personal choices & autonomies even though the concept is still new to him 😤

He would need an explanation if they insist on feeding him regardless of their fear. They would explain that not only do they trust him, they love him more than they fear it 🥹

He would only accept if they establish some ground rules 👍 like he did when it comes to physical intimacy & sex which is healthy for both of them!

I know it's unrelated but thank you for adding this because you described me pretty well 🤣 I would definitely react to even the smallest of cuts so Astarion quickly but gently sucking it & giving a small kiss on it would be a fantastic distraction 😳

You're welcome! Thank YOU for entertaining me & sharing your thoughts! I'm glad you enjoy putting Astarion and Tav/Reader in all these different scenarios too 🤍

Here's my idea that I would love to hear your opinion! Just to let you know this is quite self-indulgent XD How would Astarion react to GN! Reader/Tav actually had suspicions that he's using them but still chose to believe that he's not. So when he confessed he manipulated them, they're even not angry at him.

They're sad for how much & how long he has suffered to be the way he is now, but they're also genuinely hurt that he did take advantage of their trust in him. They don't blame him but they admit it still hurts and wants some time alone to process it.

After leaving them be, they would go to him when they're ready to talk to him. They would tell him how grateful they are that he chose to come clean with them despite knowing how it would be easier for him to keep quiet for it, and thanked him for trusting them enough to be honest with them.

What do you think of it? I'm curious :3

Hi Anon! Sorry for the super late response, I let this one stew for a little while in my brain and the other night I had this dialogue idea and couldn’t resist writing a little scene about it tonight! I hope you enjoy ❤️

I envisioned this scene happens half way through his confession, and then imagined the rest of the conversation about intimacy and boundaries would happen afterwards! It’s about 1100 words, and canonical Astarion backstory warnings apply — trauma, dark thoughts, etc.

.·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨:·..·:¨༺ ༻¨

“I just — I feel awful." Astarion’s throat worked silently, his eyes glancing down to his boots. "Look, I had a plan. A nice, simple plan — seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me. It was easy — instinctive. Habits from two hundred years of charming people kicked in." He finally looked up at your face, studying intensely for your reaction. 

“I—oh,” You pulled your hand away from him as uncertainty flooded your features. He saw your eyes dart back and forth, but they weren’t studying him. No, you were lost in thought. “Oh.”

Astarion licked his lips, his hands ringing together in front of him nervously. “You have every right to be angry.”

“I’m not angry. I thought we… I don’t know what I thought.”

The rest of what he had planned to say vanished out of his mind. Instead it started to betray him, a cruel voice whispering about how he knew you would react like this. Did he really think it would go well?

His pink mouth hung open as he scrambled for what to say, trying to think of how to make this better. But he’d done enough already, hadn’t he?

You crossed your arms over your body, your cheeks flushing deeply. “I feel a bit like a fool. None of it was real, the whole time?”

“Not the whole time,” He confessed as soft, vulnerable moments with you flashed in his mind. The very moments that made him start to drop the act. “It hasn’t been as of late, but before… in the beginning, up until recently, yes.”

His red eyes followed your throat as it bobbed up and down before flicking back up to your face. Your eyebrows were furrowed, your mouth a sad pout.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Astarion whispered, not daring to move forward.

“I’m thinking… I need a moment.” You admitted, already looking behind you and away from him.

His heart sank, but he nodded. “I— okay. Of course.”

And then you were off, your head down as you stalked away from the edge of the beach and back to the warm glow of camp.

He stood there stunned for a moment, before turning around to stare at the dark, choppy waters in front of him. Hundreds of scenarios began to dance in his mind — what if you went back to the camp to tell the others? Would he be met by pointed blades and blazing spells? He imagined being kicked out, staked, cursed, roasted alive with fireballs. Hand delivered to Cazador as extra punishment for his sins. Anything his twisted broken mind could come up with played like a messed up vision.

Astarion didn’t even try to stop the repetitive dark thoughts. It was what he deserved.

Eventually, the vampire slinked back into the camp some time later — once the sky was inky black and the moon was the only light to illuminate the way back to his tent.

“Hi.”

The sound caused his ears and shoulders to perk up instantly. You were sat in the grass and dirt outside of his tent, your arms wrapped around your knees and pulled to your chest.

“Hi.” Gods, he sounded breathless. But he couldn’t see any weapons or angry barbarians or wizards nearby. That was a good sign, right?

“I wasn’t sure when you’d come back.”

He cocked a brow, “I figured you wouldn’t want to see me again.”

A sigh escaped your lips, “Astarion, don’t be dramatic. I asked for time to think — not for you to leave.”

He blinked at your sharp tone, but nodded his head in slight defeat. “You’re right. And you waited for me because—?”

You brushed off your clothes as you stood up to his height, “I would like to finish that conversation, if you’re ready.”

Well, there was no denying the inevitable.

He nodded his head solemnly, stepping forward to open the flap of his tent and inviting you in with a wave of his hand.

The privacy his tent offered was slight, but this late in the night he knew most of his companions would be fast asleep. Quickly lighting a lantern, he joined you on the fabric floor.

His half-dead heart was thundering, the thrumming sound echoing in his pointed ears that he almost missed your quiet voice.

“I understand.”

“What?” His brows furrowed, looking at you with confusion.

“The stories you’ve told me… your scars… I understand why you did it, why you felt the need to do it.” You explained, your voice and eyes tender as you looked at him in the low light. “But you manipulated me, Astarion. You took advantage of me, toyed with me and my emotions to get what you needed. That hurts.”

Astarion’s stomach twisted into a hard knot, “I know.”

“But you also didn’t need to tell me any of this. You could have kept pretending, kept up the charade until we faced Cazador… But you didn’t. Why?”

Now it felt like his stomach was crawling up his torso and into his throat. Gods, what was this feeling? Why did you do this to him. “That’s what I was trying to tell you before. I failed with my plan. It felt apart the moment I realized… that I had fallen for you.” He admitted, but his fluttering heart made more words stumble out of his mouth. “And I know you probably don’t believe me, why would you after everything I just told you. Trust me, nobody feels more stupid about it than I do.”

You cut off his rambling, “I don’t think it’s stupid. I think that’s probably the most honest you’ve been with me since I’ve met you,” You said earnestly. “It would have been a lot easier for you to keep on pretending, wouldn’t it? Pretend I’m just another mark, another means to an end to get through the day.”

“I don’t want easy… I don’t want to just get through the day. Not anymore.” Astarion whispered across the small tent, staring intently at you.

You cocked your head slightly in question, “And what do you want?”

“I want this, I want us — to be real. You deserve something real.”

“So do you, Astarion. You deserve something real.”

Your name escaped his lips as a choked sob as overwhelming wave of emotion settled over him. “I don’t even know what real looks like. How do I give that to you if I—?”

“Do you trust me?”

The vampire nodded through his tears, “Yes.”

“I trust you,” You said softly.

“After everything I’ve done?” He croaked, waving his hands dramatically, “You’d trust a monster—“

You grabbed onto his extended fingers gently, squeezing them. “Yes, even then.”

He looked down at your hands touching, before intertwining his pale fingers with yours carefully. “Maybe you are a fool.”

You let out a breathless laugh, the sound waking up something in him he’d long thought dead. “Maybe, I am. But you fell for me, so what does that make you?”

Astarion’s mouth twitched up until it match your smile, “The luckiest vampire alive.”

#commander-rahrah answers #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion fanfic #bg3 fanfic #Astarion X reader #astarion x gn reader #astarion x tav #astarion x gn!tav

[gallawitchxx]

hi beeee!! i hope you're doing okay 💖💖💖

ooohohohoho okay for the kiss thingy: god knows why cuz it sounds potentially very painful but i feel so compelled to request 28 🙏

sweet deanna! i'm hanging in, thanks love! 💖 so you & @lingy910y both requested #28 & i want to fill both of your prompts. but because you were (rightfully) afraid of pain, i gave you one that's a bit strange, but has a promisingly happy ending? you can be the judge! xx

- - - - -

send me a number & i'll write you a smoocheroo 😚

- - - - -

#28: ...as a lie ps. this is inspired by this post about dealer!mickey & insomniac!ian, who have now rotted my brain.

Ian hasn’t slept in days.

It’s happened before—endless energy is one of his tried-and-true symptoms of mania—but this isn’t that. He’s taking his meds, his skin isn’t crawling and his mind is fairly quiet. Quiet enough to frustrate him as he tosses and turns and wonders what the fuck’s going on.

His schedule has been all over the place lately; his normal routine lost to the endless cycles of employment and Gallagher family responsibilities. He’d been hoping to add school to the mix this semester so that he could have other, less hectic options than a rig-riding EMT, but he’d pushed it off. A pity, now that all-nighters are apparently his thing.

Night two, he googles a few things, which is a huge mistake. Who can fall asleep after reading about how even just twenty-four hours without sleep can begin to derail your bodily systems? Sleep deprivation can cause or worsen conditions like Type 2 diabetes, High blood pressure, Stroke, Heart attack—his pulse leaps as his phone clatters to the ground.

Night three, he takes to the streets, running around the Southside until his lungs burn and his knees wobble. As he passes the clinic that gave his seventeen-year-old self a lifetime prescription for antipsychotics, he knows that if this lasts much longer, he should call his doctor. Tell them his nighttime meds aren’t putting him to sleep anymore. Nip this insomnia thing in the bud before it can overthrow the delicate balance he’s worked so hard to maintain.

Night four, desperate and a bit delusion, he pulls up a number he hasn’t used in years, saved under a contact labeled, DO NOT TEXT.

He breaks his own rule: Hey. Still making house calls?

The response is almost immediate: the fuck u care for?

Ian rolls his bloodshot eyes, typing: It’s an emergency.

Three little dots herald a response that makes him laugh: a weed emergency?

He stays strong: Wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need it.

The next text makes his chest clench: u ok?

He decides to keep it vague—I can’t sleep, but it’s not what you think.—and hopes he doesn’t have to explain further and is relieved to read: u want ur usual?

Another clench: Indica

Two texts arrive in rapid succession: what else do u want? can i give u head while u smoke or no?

There it is: the reason Ian doesn’t use this number anymore.

Maybe in another life it would be a blessing to have a weed dealer to lovers arc with your childhood crush, but in this one, it was a curse. A curse that lasted almost a whole year, bringing with it an endless bouquet of blissful fucks and free weed, and a million moments of tenderness Ian knew nobody else was getting out of the guy. A curse that eventually came to collect payment in the form of bloodied knuckles, broken hearts and ego wounds. A curse that still clings to Ian’s psyche, filling his dreams with gentle, tattooed fingers and bright blue eyes and a sweet and savory scent that can only be described as Mickey.

Mickey, now DO NOT TEXT.

On second thought, maybe he should never sleep again.

The knock at the door makes him hard—a Pavlovian response that irks him more than the three sleepless nights he’s suffered so far. Three raps, one right after the other. The last one no more than a brush of his hand.

Ian adjusts himself and answers the door.

Fuck, one look at that smug asshole and he’s immediately right back in it. Lust and like and maybe even a little bit of reckless fucking love fill his body, rising to the surface like sweet cream. A layer of fat on the roof of one’s mouth; a treat to lick later, a reminder that they didn’t end things because they weren’t insanely hot for one another and potentially soulmates. They were just idiots. Stubborn, petty dicks.

Oh Pride, the great slayer of men.

Jesus, he needs to sleep.

“First one’s on the house,” Mickey says as he crosses the threshold, a joint held tightly between C and K.

Hours slip by. They laugh, they smoke. It feels like old times. Ian’s body is loose in a way it hasn’t been in years. It feels good. Like maybe-he-could-sleep-tonight good. And as he melts further into the couch, he starts to get a little horny too. Because Mickey’s yapping on and on about some asshole that frequents the bar he works at, and Ian’s listening, he swears he’s listening, but he’s also staring at Mickey’s mouth like he wants to take Mickey up on that text message and shut him the fuck up with his dick.

Like he wants to taste the stale smoke of his tongue.

Wants him to stay the night.

Forever, maybe.

Mickey finishes his story. His eyes go soft and he drums his fingers against his knee. “Should get outta your hair, Gallagher,” he says. “Letcha sleep.”

That’s the last thing Ian wants.

“Not tired,” he fibs.

Mickey cocks an eyebrow. “You’re not? ’S been days, man. This shit’s gotta be hittin’ ya by now.”

It’s true. It has been days and this shit is hitting him. Or maybe he’s having a sleep-deprivation-induced stroke. He just knows Mickey can’t go.

“Can’t go to sleep without a goodnight kiss.”

Mickey’s already leaning in when he asks, “Then you promise you’ll hit the hay?”

Ian nods as Mickey presses a kiss to his lying lips.

#welp - throws whatever this is at you #alskfjalkj #i realized that both of my kisses are at the very end of the ficlet & aren't actually described #lolol #maybe my next attempt should be 1K words of just describing the kiss #no actual context needed #just tongues #anyway THANKS DEANNA I LOVE YOU DEANNA #shameless #shameless fanfiction #prompt fill #ian x mickey

[muzsmoux]

Reviewing tgcf characters because I have thoughts

I finished S2 recently and I need somewhere to put my not exactly hot but like warm (?) takes because it's taking up too much storage space in my brain.

🤍 Xie Lian 🤍

It's a good thing I'm not into guys because if I was I would be on my knees for this man in every sense of that expression and his pet menace to society would mince me up like garlic.

So I'll try to be brief about my overflowing feelings about him. Xie Lian is the best main character I have come across in a WHILE. He's the embodiment of compassion and kindness. And also a cold blooded murderer. A babygirl. A father figure. A terrifying martial god. A silly little guy. A pathological liar. The most genuine man you'll ever meet. He's everything, and Hua Cheng is 100% valid in his obsession. I'm right there with him.

Rating: 10/10

❤️ Hua Cheng ❤️

Idk if we ever figured out who wrote My Immortal but I'm pretty sure we have our culprit.

"Hi my name is Hua Cheng Crimson Rain Sought Flower Red-Robed Ghost King and this is my evil weapon of death E-ming. I've killed soooo many gods with it!! My dark power is I can summon storms of BLOOD and SUFFERING. I have my own scary city of DEMONS and they all love me and think I'm HOT but I only want my BOYFRIEND who's the only REAL GOD so STOP FLAMING HIM YOU POSERS-"

Needless to say I love him. Being the 8 time winner of the Loverboy of the Century Awards with unbeatable records in the yearning olympics is truly a remarkable feat.

Rating: 9/10

(Bonus: E-ming. Cute little guy. Likes his stepdad more than his real dad. Not afraid to show it's feelings even if it makes it look like a muppet, 10/10)

🧡 Feng Xin & Mu Qing 🧡

Tweedle dee and tweedle dum gets a shared rating because they would hate to be grouped together like that and that's funny to me. Their dynamic is great, they're good characters, I wasn't sure which one was which until midway through the second season. But then also I have a pair of 7yo twin cousins who I still can't tell apart despite them not looking even a slight bit similar so that might just be a character flaw on my end. Oops.

Rating: 7/10

🩵Shi Qingxuan🩵

I'm doubling the rating because she is best boy and best girl at the same time. I love that I can use any and all pronouns for him because he's literally a pride parade personified and therefore all of them are correct. You don't get that type of chaotic fun just anywhere.

He is truly living my dream, presenting as whatever gender they want depending on what's more convenient and/or funnier in the moment. Super useful, for things like gathering intel and terrorizing Feng Xin by being a woman.

And I personally think we should crown her the new emperor. She'd look significantly better on that throne, with her Barbie-like radiance and flourishing Kenergy.

Rating: 20/10

🖤 Ming Yi 🖤

Listen, I hate to say it because I like a sunshine x grump moment as much as the next gay but he's just... not giving what he thinks he's giving. Everyone is whispering ominously about him having some dark devastating secret but MY point is no matter how big his boobs are in his female form, Shi Qingxuan could do better. I'm sorry. She really could.

Rating: 4/10

💙 Lang Qianqiu 💙

Just an honest man with good intentions and a sickass fucking sword. He did NOT hesitate to attack the infamous Crimson Rain Sought Flower on SIGHT and I respect a quick decisionmaker, even if it shows some himbo tendencies. He also has the same distinct energy as Fred from Scooby Doo.

Rating: 6/10

💚 Qi Rong 💚

He's got some odd dietary and moral choices going on. Definitely. But he's just such a fun villain!!! Being Xie Lian's nr 1 source of migraines SHOULD make me like him less but I'm sorry, every time he was on screen I was LIVING. He would do numbers on reality TV. Someone put this guy on Kitchen Nightmares, I need to see him 1v1 Gordon Ramsay.

Rating: 7/10

🌚 Jun Wu 🌚

He has his emperor status & DILF card going for him but something about this man just ain't right. If he came to a party I was attending I would cover my drink is all I'm saying.

Rating: 2/10

🔥Pei Ming🔥

I don't know much about him besides he had that one shady empolyee or whatever (could not hear the plot over the deafening sound of Hua Cheng's yearning) but I'm partial to a good manwhore character. The thought of people praying to him like "Hugh Mungus, who art in heaven-" really tickles me.

I know he's probably straight but I headcanon him as at the very least bi-curious because you can't be that hot with that much game and not use it for evil. (That evil being causing large scale gay awakenings among his soldiers.)

Rating: 7/10

❓Pei Xiu❓

Unreliable, unimportant, unattractive, unemployed.

I remember not a singular thing about him besides fucking up Xie Lian's daughter's life and also being on my last nerve from the jump. If you're going to be evil at like least be memorable about it, you know? You can't be a bad person and a bad character at the same time. Pick a struggle.

Rating: 1/10

📚 Ling Wen 📚

I heard she committed some war crimes but honestly if I had to do an entire realm's tax returns by myself AND teach Pei Ming how to read (I refuse to believe that man is literate, just look at him) I would want to rage on occasion too. I hope she has a hot wife waiting for her at home to give her massages after carrying the whole system on her back all day. It's what she deserves.

Rating: 8/10

Thank you for reading!! Opinions might change once I read the books but as of now this is it. Remembering everyone's names has been a journey and a half so this post is sponsored by @kirstenly 's character cheat sheet go look at it! and everything else too!!!

#heaven official's blessing #tian guan ci fu #tgcf #xie lian #hua cheng #feng xin #mu qing #shi qingxuan #ming yi #lang qianqiu #qi rong #jun wu #pei ming #pei xiu #ling wen #sorry for the long post #im just obsessed

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

Okay so time for me to dump my thoughts on the Underworld Saga because I am going insane and tbh I'm not sure how coherent this will be because my brain is mostly keyboard smashing.

The Shades: "When does a man become a monster? 558 men who died under your command. CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! Why would you let the cyclops live when ruthlessness is mercy?"

Okay so the harmonies of the Shades are amazing! But also this whole bit is just so... haunting. The call back to Just a Man and Ruthlessness does something to me. Could you imagine being screamed at by the ghosts of everyone you've failed? Also Jay confirmed that the shades in this song are just repeating their final thoughts in life. They drowned begging for their Captain to help them and died wondering why he failed them. This probably fucked Odysseus UP.

Odysseus: "I keep thinking of the infant from that night. I keep thinking of the infant from that night."

I swear I can hear the PTSD in his voice holy shit. Also Astyanax's music box motif being played in church bells in the back. I never would have noticed it if not for Jay's behind the scenes videos but knowing it's there makes this bit so much better.

Odysseus: "Polities..."

I was not nearly as wrecked at this bit until I saw this post mentioning that Odysseus quiet little "Polities..." is a mirror of Polities strangled "Captain..." when he died and now I will never be the same.

Odysseus' Mom

I am not exaggerating when I say I cried during the watch party. Everything about this is heartbreaking. His mom was thinking about him in her final moments. "Odyssues when you come home I'll be waiting" except she wont be. The shocked defeat in Odysseus' voice with "I took too long...". He's right there in front of her, but her shade just doesn't register him. They are so close physically yet still separated by death. Also the fact that Jay's mom voices her that is so sweet omg.

The change from "Here in the Underworld the past seems close behind" to "But in the Underworld your past is always close behind."

STTAGKDUKFUTAATUFOUCOUXGJXG

THE STRINGS!!!!! AND THE PIANO!!!!

Tiresias' voice is so haunting omg

Mason absolutely NAILED prophet who is constantly being shown everything all the time at one I love it sm.

The lyrics in this song are just.... so good. And the foreshadowing is top notch

Jay's voice acting for Odysseus' is also great in this.

The distress and frustration in "We've suffered and sailed through the toughest of hells. Now you tell us ur efforts are for NOTHING?!" and the absolute anger in "WHO!?!?!" (Its you, Ody. See your about to go through a complete change in morals about 5 minutes from now and become a completely different person).

THE DESCENDING ORGAN FOR THE SECOND CHORUS MY JAW DROPPED

Jorge don't think I didn't notice the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hellfire, vibes at the end I see you.

This is my favorite song released in Epic so far and I am not normal about it at all.

The GUITAR! THE ELECTRIC GUITAR!

For those unfamiliar and being dragged along this nonsense post, Odysseues character is associated with the guitar. The acoustic guitar is when he is softer, kinder, and more "human" while the electric guitar represents him at his most brutal, ruthless, and "monsterous". This song is his turning point to which he is done being merciful. He will do ANYHTING to get home.

"Oh Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves..."

Really taking Poseidon's lesson to heart there.

Odysseus: "AND IF I GOTTA DROP ANOTHER INFANT FROM A WALL IN AN INSTANT SO WE ALL DON'T DIE? THEN I'LL BECOME THE MONSTER! I WILL DEAL THE BLOW!... SO WHAT IF I'M THE MONSTER?"

Ayrsgstusigxjgsutaut holy shit holy shit holy shit-

Play this back to back with Just A Man for some psychic damage. What an end for Act 1!

#epic the underworld saga #epic the musical

[stopaskinf]

“You get me closer to God”

Summary: Jimin thinks you’re perfect.❤️

Genre: Yandere Jimin, Dark fic, Dead dove do not eat?

CW: Obsessive behavior, worshipper mentality, unhealthy body expectations and descriptions, Jimin just really hates himself in this, mutilation,

A/N: Part 2 electric boogaloo of my BTS Yandere series. Lowkey made this because I listened to Filter and went 👀👀👀👀.

Park Jimin is vile.

He’s amoebic.

He’s sure if he opened his brain, he wouldn’t be able to find any independent thought.

He’s especially malleable when it comes to you.

He must mold himself into your ideal, even if it kills him.

Jimin knows he’s imperfect—an image created with God’s offhand.

He obsesses over his imperfections. The flatness of his nose, the fullness in his cheeks and belly.

Pig.

Disgusting.

Ugly.

You’ve never explicitly commented on his appearance, but he can feel his inadequacy in your presence.

He wishes he could peel his face off layer by layer. Gouge his eyes out and replace them with fuller, brighter ones. To scrape the excess fat off his face with his hands. Speaking of his hands, he’s always wanted to have longer, slimmer fingers. He goes so far as imaging forcibly elongating his spine with his hands or with the help of a generous medical professional. He needs to rough out his edges.

He must be perfect. Like you.

When he’s near you, he feels himself ascend closer to godhood. His closeness to you makes him perfect.

Jimin almost hates you. He feels as though you were sent to mock him. To remind him of his failures. However, he pushes that feeling aside. A good follower never questions nor asks for more from their god. Besides, his love and idolization of you outweigh his envy.

He practices and practices until his feet blister and bruise. He wraps them in bandages to decrease the pain, but in the end, they always unravel due to the blood that is secreted. Day and night he throws himself into dance until he can almost feel your voice in his mind. He feels your voice telling him he’s done enough. His eyes become sunken and his cheeks hollow. You comment on the dark circles under his eyes. He reminds himself to buy some concealer to hide the new flaw.

However, you have a much better way to ease his suffering. You invite him to yours for a nice, hot meal since he “looked so sickly”.

Devotion truly pays off.

#idol x reader #kpop fanfic #kpopidol #kpop #kpop boys #bts drabble #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts #bts jimin #bts park jimin #park jimin #jimin #jiminie #jimin x reader #yandere bts #yandere idol #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere x darling #yandere x y/n #jimin park #kpop yandere #kpop drabbles

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hello! If you don't mind, this is half a vent and half an ask both to you and to your followers who have had some experience?

I feel like I want certain aspects of a romantic relationship, the idea of having someone "special" is very appealing. Especially since I find myself falling in the trap of romance tropes, and I really do feel that I want to find that one person who I'd feel safe being physically close with, and not just because I turn my brain off to suffer through it but to actually enjoy it.

I know that I'm rather attracted to men, in theory at least, but whenever there's even remotely a thought in my brain that a polite conversation may turn into something more I get nervous, kinda in a bad way. I feel like I want to put a barrier in and I'm afraid they'll be reading into my behaviour too much. It makes me feel as if I like to play pretend in my head but I'm too much of a coward when real life gets involved.

I've been identifying as ace for years now, and I just turned 24. No experience in the dating department, I've been slowly making my way to accepting being at least arospec as well, possibly just aro, but for some reason it's been so much harder for me. Asexuality just clicked. This I think I may be fighting because the idea of a relationship seems too nice to give up and I've already had a bad experience with an extremely undernegotiated QPR (ended quickly but left a bitter taste nevertheless).

I just wish I could not think about it? But I also feel like the societal expectations of romantic attraction are much more pressing than sexual one. I don't want to lead anyone on, and I don't want to feel this little bit of dread whenever I have a conversation with a guy who I know doesn't have a girlfriend. That's another sign of being aro, right? Being able to be comfortable only when the possibility of the other party wanting you romantically is non-existent.

Sorry for this being so long. Thank you for listening, either way.

Romance definitely has a hard to explain quality to it, and I think that can make it questioning if you're aro especially tricky. It is possible that anxiety you're feeling when a situation could turn romantic is a form of repulsion. It's not uncommon for romance repulsion to feel more like anxiety or nervousness, and for people feel like wanting to go and hide. Alloromantic people can be nervous too sometimes, but it usually comes with a feeling of anticipation and still being drawn to the other person. Or they will usually have either trouble with anxiety in other areas, or issues with romance (romance related trauma for example). Sometimes it can be tricky to know exactly what it is, but if the stuff below doesn't sound like you at all, than repulsion is a likely explanation.

The other thing I would point is that fully alloromantic people often have people in real life they are experience a romantic pull towards, who they really want to be in a romantic relationship with. And if you're not experiencing that, that could also be a strong sign of being aromantic.

Being aromantic, and even romance repulsed, if you are, does not mean you can't have a very important person in your life. I know you mentioned a QPR that didn't go well, and it's up to you if that's something you ever want to try again, but even if you don't. remember that deep bonds can come in all forms of relationships. All types of relationships, including friendships, familial relationships, etc. have the potential to be very special of very deep if you end up connecting to someone in the right way. So whatever path you choose to take, don't feel like this isn't possible.

I'll throw this out followers too if anyone wants to share their own thoughts or advice.

All the best, Anon! Good luck!

#vent post

[lemeblogs]

friendly reminder that Caleb Dume spent the entirety of his life fighting a war, never living long enough to see the end of it.

#caleb dume #kanan jarrus #star wars #star wars rebels #clone wars #Suffer #if my brain makes me think these thoughts then you have to suffer with me #My man outlived half of everyone he knew from his old life and still died to a never ending war

[wanderingmausoleum]

most annoying thing i’ve been seeing online lately is ppl in the adhd/autistic communities posting benign relatable posts and being inundated with comments from neurotypicals being like ummm everyone does that and you’re literally promoting harmful self diagnosis :// stop acting like everything is a symptom and it takes all my power not to tell them to shut the fuck up because not everything is about you, is the audhd community not allowed to make funny relatable posts without you insufferable cuntbags assuming the worst and reading shit into it that was never meant to be there

#unless a post is saying ‘doing this thing means you are definitely neurodivergent’ then 9 times out of 10 it’s not meant to be a fucking #diagnostic tool and anyone with a brain should be able to tell that it’s not #funny relatable posts DID help me figure out im neurodivergent after years of suffering on my own but they weren’t the only tool #incredibly funny because isn’t straightforward language like a hallmark autism thing too. #like if it was meant to be a diagnostic post it would Fucking Say That #don’t pretend that’s what it says because you’re an ableist dbag who’s scared of ppl understanding and accepting themselves #don’t pretend to have well meaning concerns when ur rly just afraid of having to accept that being nd is way more common than you thought #‘stop trying to diagnose everyone’ directed at the most benign relatable/educational posts has the same energy to me as #the fucking ‘the queers are trying to convert ur children’ rhetoric #what’s that? are you afraid of people (even young people) gaining a better understanding of themselves and accepting and celebrating who— #they are? #are you afraid of accepting that people know themselves better than you think you know them? #these types of ‘well meaning concerns’ are what made me suffer in silence and prevented me from getting a diagnosis for years 👍 #anyway. angry post because this shit makes me so mad #mental health #neurodivergent #audhd #speaketh

[slippersandsmoke]

If I have migraines, so do my characters, so here’s a list of them and how they’re affected purely for the catharsis:

Liam: He’s basically my migraine conduit at this point. He gets them often, to varying degrees. Sometimes he can work through them, sometimes they make him sensitive, and sometimes they take him out. When that happens, he’s relegated to bed until it goes away or he finally breaks and takes migraine rescue meds. He has less severe migraines so often that he doesn’t always register them as a problem, but as the resident anxiety man, he can’t avoid them.

Will: His are occasional, but they knock him out completely anywhere from a few hours to a day. They make him sick, and he just generally doesn’t have a good time the whole time. He gets migraine hangovers and tries to function through them but the brain fog gets to him pretty badly. He gets forgetful and loses track of time easily.

Enyo: Anxiety man again, but in a different book! He almost constantly has a dull headache, so constantly present that he doesn’t necessarily register it all the time. Consequently, he doesn’t normally do anything to make them better. When he gets migraines, he forgets that they’re migraines and just lies down until the worst of it stops.

Rory: He spends a lot of time at a screen and a lot of time just being...brain on. It’s almost like he uses so much energy that eventually his body is like “rest time now” and puts him in so much pain that he can’t function.

#is it obvious yet that every one of my favorite ocs suffers the most #sorry you have to be subjected to me making myself feel better but #i was projecting migraine feelings onto characters who aren't mine but then figured i should switch to my own #do we uh want me to keep posting random hcs about my ocs as i think of them or should i stick to aesthetic posts and stuff #my hcs aren't all about migraines i promise #i am living in migraine hangover hell right now and my dog's vet appt went badly (he's okay it just sucked) #at this point i'm just like every time i want to complain or i feel bad at all i'm just gonna write hcs and fics #anyway might delete this later if i feel dumb about it but right now i just think my characters should suffer too #oc headcanons #liam #rory #enyo #will #oc thoughts #i forget how i tag stuff thank u migraine hangover brain

[lucy-ghoul]

x

#i think what really upsets me about intrusive thoughts/ocd related issues #is the lack of control over my own brain #like. it's really really scary and i've been living with it for almost 14 years #the fact that your suffering is not provoked by something you did/other people did #but by your stupid fucking brain you have 0 to control over #you can't do *nothing* about it except taking your meds waiting for some fucking peace of mind at last and endure #this feeling of helplessness is unnerving i swear #no wonder i fixate on fictional control freaks (tho i don't consider myself a control freak tbh) #no matter how different in temperament/experiences i can very much relate to the longing for some power over yourself #it's very painful and maybe an aspect of ocd that is not much talked about #even the fact that i'm like. 100% lucid makes it all so difficult #i know *exactly* what's real and what's not. i know these random thoughts while extremely unpleasant are an exaggeration #and that i give them too much importance #but at the same time.. i really can't do anything about it #it's like being super alert on a fucking battleground 24/6. absolutely exhausting #well... at least tonight it's eurovision time so for a few hours the depression is forgotten i guess #(obviously don't reblog please) #mental health tag #val speaks #txt

[tardis--dreams]

I wish i could get buproprion without a prescription this shit is way too good to give up ㅠㅠ

#damn it #i stopped my meds for a week and it didn't change a thing #but i took them again just to see if that would make a difference and holy shit #i was thinking about pausing taking them for a while now because i wanted to have the side effects back #like when i first started taking them 2020 #and i never did because i thought I'd be miserable due to withdrawal and also it would take longer than a week to 'reset' my... #body? brain? idk. whatever. it actually makes a huge difference for me though #i hate how you have to get insulted by doctors in order to get these meds #I'd even pay for it myself fuck health insurance coverage #but noooo #can't have shit #sooooo #i gotta think about a way to continue to get them #it shouldn't be as hard as adhd meds to get it from my family doctor but I've been thinking it probably would be better #to not bring them up with her and instead suffer from my ps*chiatrist's insults for some more time #because so far there is no mention of mental illness in my file at my family doctor's office despite mentioning the ADs #if I'd get them prescribed there they would absolutely add depression and i do not want that #maybe my ps*chiatrist retires or dies soon then I'll never talk to one ever again but while she's there i may as well use her #as my drug supplier #(she's probably 52 but we've had two (2!) psychiatrists under the age of 50 die within the last 6 months in this tiny town #which has caused quite some issues because we have like 4 in total lmao #(so it wasn't a joke saying maybe she'll die soon. anyone could die anytime is the point. i think about people dying a lot and what would #change in my life then. (idk just felt like the phrasing was weird and wanted to elaborate but it whatever) ) #void screams

[hollow-prey]

I'm not jealous of my f/o and their canon ex I'm not jealous of my f/o and their canon ex I'm not jealous of my f/o and their canon ex I'm not jealous of my f/o and their canon ex I'm n-

#dumb #ellie rambles #*bites my phone and vigorously shakes head back and forth like a dog* #I KNOW it doesn't matter I know it's silly and the only canon I should care about is my own #I know multiple timelines/stories/etc. can coexist peacefully with my own self ship ideas #and yet here I am. taking psychic damage over the mere thought of these two previously dating or getting back together #pain. agony even. petty stupid envy at its finest. #like I was already Suffering slightly when I first played the route and learned they were exes #because my brain can't let me have anything nice and thus cranked up the insecurity #making me think 'he really wants to get back together with ____ he wouldn't actually like you' #or 'even though this is a dating sim you are somehow going to blow your chance and they're going to get together again anyway' #which is why I'm also terrified to play the other routes in case they DO get back together in one of them which will kill me on sight #but for the most part I could cope while playing bc I was getting fun indulgent moments in my chosen route #then I open up the app the other day and get hit with a promo ad for modern AU. with art of the two of them being cute and Clearly Together #the app forces me to see it with my own two eyes before I close it out. and there's no option to mute the pop up next time I log in #and again I KNOW it's silly and I'm overreacting and canon is fairly relative in this game #hell multiple timelines/stories/canons etc. exist in it by design. your canon is based on whoever you choose to pursue #but to me all of them are still canon on some level whether you play through them or not #which means those two are out there in their own canon universe waiting to strike me down. just standing there. MENACINGLY. #it's truly the smallest deal possible and I shouldn't let it bother me because multiverse but also RRRRR GET AWAY FROM ME

[starlightervarda]

I can't sleep so Star Trek TOS/SNW dashboard simulator

🪆 chekovsgunman Follow

to this day I can't understand why they're called the Three Musketeers if there's FOUR of them? Did Dumas just forget his own main character???

🪴 plantdad Follow

You've got to be kidding me

🪆 chekovsgunman Follow

I know right? A mistake like this would never happen in Russian literature!

5,324 notes

🩺 therealmccoy Follow

After months of taking care of everyone else on this giant tin can I really earned this shore leave. Now I get to drink, relax, flirt with some lovely ladies and sleep until noon 😎 Just what the the doctor ordered!

🩺 therealmccoy Follow

Update: A fucking purple tree ate five crewmen. Again.

955 notes

🖖 iamspock Follow

Despite being among humans for close to a decade, I still find their tendency to overcomplicate and avoid aspects of social situations to be confusing at best and infuriating at worst. So much time is wasted on tedious matters such as who gets to 'make the first move' or 'not come off too strong'.

For example, everyone aboard my vessel is keenly aware of Lt. Uhura and Engineer Scott's 'budding romance'. But their need to extend their oddly avoidant courtship ritual, rather than outright state their interest in one another, is pointless, as well as frustrating to witness.

Why do they do this? Why not 'get it over with', as they say?

I encourage answers from all cultures, human or otherwise.

💅 janicethemenace Follow

I'm sorry Scotty and Nyota are WHAT

💉 xtinechapel Follow

DELETE THIS

💖 ofmanytongues Follow

SPOCK NOOO HE DOESN'T THINK OF ME LIKE THAT 😭

🔧 scott-free Follow

But I do! I thought you knew and were just being nice about it!

💖 ofmanytongues Follow

DMing you rn 😳

🖖 iamspock Follow

You're welcome.

24,103 notes

🌟 j_tiberius_k Follow

PSA: If you visit Antares VII, stay clear of any yellow plants, their pollen can have some...inconvenient effects on the biology of humanoid peoples.

My XO and I suffered through troubling symptoms until it was almost too late. Thankfully, we figured out a cure in time.

🪴 plantdad Follow

I can only find info on the symptoms. What was the cure? 👀

🌟 j_tiberius_k Follow

Do I really have to say it?

6,322 notes

💊 mmmbenga Follow

The galaxy if Klingons didn't exist

⚔️ glorytotheempire Follow

Wow. Humans are openly advocating for our disappearance yet Klingons are the bad guys? I thought your federation stood for peace.

💊 mmmbenga Follow

Cry harder you genocidal wrinkly-faced bitch I hope your planet gets sucked into a black hole

#If you think a joke is on par with what they do then book an MRI because you might have brain damage #fuck Klingons and anyone that sympathizes with them

35,007 notes

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

So I can either skim through this asteroid belt on Warp 2 for 3 hrs or on Warp 5 for 15 mins

🚀 mitchiemitch Follow

Erica no! That's not how navigation works!

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

FLOOR IT???

🚀 mitchiemitch Follow

ERICA NO

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

HOW ABOUT WARP 7 FOR 15 SECONDS?

💖 ofmanytongues Follow

ERICA YOU'RE GOING TO CRASH THE SHIP

😎 ortegaaaas Follow

I AM GOING TO HARNESS LIGHT-SPEED TO ZIGZAG THROUGH THE VOID

🚀 mitchiemitch

ERICA P L E A S E

112,517 notes

🐴 sirsilverfox Follow

I know some species are very private, but you'd think they'd share the important stuff, esp when we should trust each other by now.

How are we supposed to enjoy my weekly dinners if you all don't tell me what to watch out for :/ This is the third time this happens to the same person and I had to get the answer why from our CMO

💫 numerouna Follow

Wait what did I miss while I was gone

🐴 sirsilverfox Follow

Spock got wasted on my chocolate fudge cake and hit his head on the counter ://///

2,904 notes

#star trek #Star Trek tos #Star Trek snw #James kirk #Jim kirk #spock #Leonard mccoy #nyota uhura #spirk #una chin riley #montgomery scott #uhotty #Chris pike #joseph m'benga #Star Trek aos #pavel chekov #Hikaru sulu #erica ortegas #christine chapel #bones mccoy #Tumblr dashboard simulator #Star Trek meme #Star Trek strange new worlds #Star Trek the original series

[teeldaa]

so i was looking up datamined content from early access and wanted to rant and talk about some of the changes Ketheric and Shar His story was changed twice!in both ea version he was a moon elf chosen of shar(he had nothing to do with Myrkul),in the first version Halsin accidentally killed Isobel and that pushed ketheric to release the shadow curse, nightsong was an avatar of shar

this is the original nightsong,a necromancer called "sevryn"(beta version of balthazar?!) had quest for the player to kill her with a dagger that absorbed her power,but if you saved her she could become a camp follower,here's some of her lines

"Shar is the Nightsinger, and I am her Nightsong." "I am her instrument, transforming the faithful into Shadows." "I drink their sorrow, their loss, their grief,then I vomit it back into the world." "I was captured, by Ketheric Thorm - Shar's chosen.He turned me into this creature." "I want to sing my own song, not Shar's, not Ketheric's!"

you can listen to her datamined voice lines here and here's a video about that version in the second version Ketheric turned away from Selûne when Isobel was still alive in that version it was Balthazar who killed isobel then framed Aylin as her murderer there was this isobel's line "I was dead, Aylin. For so long. It was Balthazar - he trapped my soul, he-" and Aylin's line "It is why I couldn't leave your body, even when they came. Balthazar and that Sharran witch told your father that I was to blame." and one Ketheric's line @ Aylin"You killed my daughter, then you stand before me and lie? I'll see you suffer tenfold what my Isobel did."(source) i think being recruitable kinda make sense for this version of Ketheric because he was being manipulated by Balthazar and Shar btw here's ketheric and isobel's datamined models(source)

so act 2 was all about the conflict between Selune and Shar and they just slapped myrkul in there last minute?! so Ketheric being a sharran and a chosen of absolute means shar was somehow supposed to involved with the absolute plot(that why shadowheart and her fellow sharran went and stole the artifact)

Daisy,The Urges,Orpheus and The Emperor Daisy was the early access version of dream visitor and every companion used to have their own unique daisy(everyone had the same dream except Astarion)"Down by The River"and"The Power"used to be about daisy there were "urges" in early access that wanted you to kill Daisy Orpheus was in the artefact but he wasn't chained up,he was supposed to be the one who helped you and shielded you from the absolute instead of the emperor.He probably had a way bigger role there is a misconception that original tav was meant to be a bhaalspawn which is straight up false,the dreams and the urges from early access only accrued if you used your illithid power (using them originally meant to have severe consequences) i know some people say daisy was supposed to be a manifestation of the tadpole that was trying to turn you and your party into mindflayers but i don't think it was ever confirmed what daisy or those urges were,i could be wrong but i remember it was datamined that both the Absolute and Orpheus used the Daisy persona...idk i know some people are gonna be like"dream guardian is better,Daisy was creepy/obviously evil"but Daisy only appeared if you used your illithid power,plus you could just reject them...or even kill them

as for the emperor,at first i thought he was just a replacement for Daisy and Orpheus but apparently no!i was watching Harbs Narbs talking about bg3's magic the gathering cards,when he saw the elder brain's card he said"could this be the emperor?"

Cazador and The Butcher …they basically cut everything...(source of datamined lines) so there was this character called "the Butcher"(who was one of the chosen/leader of absolute)who asked you to find his apprentice "Ohler" in Baldur's Gate's graveyard and bring him back a flask(?!),he was the leader of a skeleton faction(their faction was called TadpoledSkeleton)their concept art is still in bg3 artbook

i'm guessing this butcher guy was supposed to be the original Armored male elf chosen of myrkul?!ohler was caught by an ancient and powerful vampire called"the alluring"

you could side with the butcher and bring him back his flask,then he proposed to turn you into an undead,but if he allowed him to performe the ritual to turn you undead he also would try to make you his puppet. if you managed to break free of his control and you had to fight him. To kill him permanently you had to destroy his phylactery,otherwise he would resurrects every time. or you could side with Cazador,he wanted the butcher guy dead

btw i was looking at bg3 art book pdf i found these on cazador's page

is that what he originally was supposed to look like?!the scythe...ugh it looks so cool the other interesting thing is apparently other spawns were somehow okay/happy with their situation

the other thing i wanted to mention is i think Cazador was originally supposed to be a half elf,the language Cazador uses is Kozakuran,The Kozakurans were a human ethnicity The Creche vs The Cult of the Absolute (source) there was supposed to be a fight between the absolute cultist(led by Orin and the butcher)vs the creche(and some sort of team up between lathander priests and githyanki)

you could side with the absolute,they wanted to stop Kith'rak Voss from returning to Vlaakith,here's some of the butcher's lines

and orin's

and this orin badass moment,i'm still salty they cut this for the full release...

or you could side with Voss and helped him escape(i suggest you watch the source video,there's so much more there)

some other stuff there was some datamined stuff bout the city here and here i don't get it...why did they change so many good stuff,Ethel's nephew and hag coven,Raphael's original deals,Zevlor plot twist and...are all gone at first i thought they"cut"those content due to time restriction or resource constraints but that's clearly not the case,There is a clear change in direction,i think what they were originally going for was"choosing the lesser of two evils"then they decided to go with more generic route of good vs evil! bg3 was released in August 2023,larian was looking for beta testers for Acts 2 & 3 in july 2022 idk maybe if they didn't rewrite the companions to be less mean/evil and didn't add halsin and dark urge they could have finish the game?!

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #ketheric thorm #bg3 ketheric #isobel thorm #dame aylin #cazador szarr #bg3 cazador #astarion #astarion ancunin #orin the red #bg3 orin #bg3 critical #larian critical #Kith'rak Voss #bg3 meta #can't they just release or sell that beta version of acts 2 & 3?! #ugh #sorry for the rant #i was half asleep when i wrote this

[complete-clownery]

Hahaha okay rant about this amazing fanfic (you probably heard of this one already but still)

So whenever it comes to explaining and writing under my posts I just get lazy but I need to push through this cuz I need to talk

So the fanarts were made for the lmk fanfiction sunbreak, that a lot of you (probably mostly shadowpeach shippers) had read, and it is amazing, I read trough it as fast as my brain let me and as you can see it has pleasantly scratched my brain so much so that I even (attempted) to make fanart for it

Ngl if I wasn't a major pussy I would try to illustrate the whole thing or make covers for each chapter but Im unable to work on something more than 2 hours and I would want those to look good, but good looking art (if I don't mess up) takes 6 hours ughh--- annoying much---

Anyways I'm not good with literature but man is this fix a masterpiece *chefs kiss* its everything its amazing, I was unable to put it down once I started it

Okay i dont think I have the brain capacity to explain how much I worship the writer of this masterpiece @ladygreenfrisbee , so i'm just going to talk about the drawings a tad

So first picture with Red Son and MK its sort of like an au in the fic where the whole lbd plot is somehow nonexistent and after Macaque gets to his sisters domain they settle down and raise the kids together without much of an issue aside from assassinations keep happening and trying not to get in trouble with the heavens

Id like to think that Gongzhu still wouldn't let the court tailors to put any form of red or gold on MKs outfits and only allowed the yellow after when MK was old enough to declare that yellow was his favorite color, but even now she would insist on some form of purple and shadow motives to let others know who the mother is

We also got baby MK and toddler Red Son and sassy LIF and Mac

Third pic with the lion: I don't know what it was or why but I just love general Song so much--- he's a major dickhead but sgvshshsevkdididhr (actually I kinda love all the original characters in this one, from the generals to the old lady in the beginning of the book, (gosh I also wanna draw some scenes from those chapters I loved how Mac and she interacted hshsjsj))

so chapter 34 was probably my favorite so far I re read it about two more times cuz it was amazing to see Macaque being the schemer he is and try to piss of Song lol

Last picture: its a sketch/a wip or whatever (probably not going to finish it but im still putting it there cuz its somewhat decent looking)

Its the part where Wukong remembered of Macaque finally finding him and asking for him to come back to flower fruit mountain.

I tried to make Macaque look more unhinged on this one but since I didn't finish it I dont think its that noticable so fuck that but I also gave him a halo like the saints to symbolise his suffering and what not (thought it looked cool and fitting think whatever you want about it lol)

And that all ((((hollly mother))))

If you read this trough, thank you and congrats👏👏

#clown does art #lego monkey kid #lmk sunbreak #sunbreak #shadowpeach #lmk macaque #six eared macaque #lmk mk #lmk red son #fanfiction #lmk #lmk pif #princess iron fan

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

My brain is on fire same I can’t sleep and am thinking of this:

The way she writes about marriage/family/commitment through these different situations across the album is soooooooooo interesting.

You have a very intense first experience of it in “The Manuscript,” where it is first dangled in front of her/the narrator’s young, impressionable self as shorthand for real love in a situation that ended up being smoke and mirrors. She’s being told everything she wants to hear by someone who basically thinks it’s just foreplay. In the end, when it’s clear that the other person has no intention of actually making a life with her, it makes her feel used, but she forces herself to recalibrate and become the girl she thinks he and all the other hes want her to be. Easy breezy cool. But there’s a sense of loss in realizing those hopes were merely banter to the other.

You have the “grown up” version of it alluded to in “So Long, London” and “How Did It End?”, the years of putting in work to save a relationship and the “deflation of our dreaming leaving [her] bereft and reeling” leading to them “calling it all off.” The implication is clearly that they built a home together with plans for next steps at a point in time, but the commitment is shattered. (Obviously to me it sounds like marriage.) She’s bitter at spending her “prime” years with someone who ultimately didn’t want to be there, even if he couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it himself.

She felt like she did everything she was supposed to, but they were learning the right steps to different dances at as it were. Those dreams were at one point shared, but in the end they weren’t right for each other and she admits that, though bitterly (“I founded the club she’s heard great things about” eg the years she put in for him to help him grow up will end up benefiting his new lover, “but I’m not the one,” “you’ll find someone,” etc.). Mixed in with all this of her resentment of him wasting her youth (sacrificing herself at the altar), and his resentment of her for reasons less defined, and insinuations of betrayal in the shadows. The fantasy of the whole package disappears into the ether, yet she still has no answers as to how they got there.

Then in comes the wolf in sheep’s clothing in many of the rest of the songs, the one who promises her all those things she’s dreamed of since she was a kid instantly. After years of moulding herself to other men’s desires, someone comes in and tells her exactly what she wants to hear at the most vulnerable time of her life, as though the universe is answering her prayers, like some sort of cosmic payback for all she’s suffered, and it’s the most intoxicating drug of all. She’s gone from her wish for a family life feeling like she’s in a way being used for her body, to it being used as a chain to a relationship gone sour, to having someone put a metaphorical ring on her finger and tell her he wants to have babies with her, fuck those other guys.

In her grief and stupor, it’s too good to be true, which is exactly why she falls for it. But of course, it’s all an illusion, because this wolf is an amalgamation of the worst of all the men who came before him. He tells her everything she wants to hear not to make her dreams come true, but to make his. He takes the worst parts of these scenarios to make his move: he’ll stand by her, he’ll commit, he’ll do it out in the open under the spotlight’s glare (all things desperately lacking in her last relationship), but after he beds her he stabs her in the back in private and leaves her. He got what he wanted at the expense of her losing everything she wanted, this time as her world caved in seemingly for good. She feels like she gave up everything she thought she might have had for a chance that this is where the universe has been point her all along, only to be left broken for good (you represent the loss of my life as I knew it).

Then there are two sort of codas to this. In “But Daddy I Love Him” we get a sassier reimagining of “Love Story,” where the girl with the scarlet letter is mouthy and crass and tells everyone to go fuck themselves for cursing her in the first place, choosing her love above all else. And no, those haters can’t come to her wedding. Her daddy may have come around, but they sure can’t. Finally it seems someone is choosing her and will someday give her these things, and she’ll be able to show all the naysayers. (Also interestingly one of the more fictionally-veiled songs which ends happily vs the diaristic ones that don’t.)

Then of course there’s “So High School,” our first glimpse into what the future holds. Probably the only unabashedly happy (nay… electric?) song on the album, it’s all about reclaiming the buzz of youth (which is a whole other post) with a new lover. “Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? It’s just a game but really, I’m betting on all three for us two.” It’s, er, a direct nod to a certain now-infamous interview, but again, she’s staking her claim on her future, if not certain then at least hopeful again. This time the prospect doesn’t come with a “but.” It’s not, we’ll be pushing strollers but actually you’re too young. It’s not, we had these dreams for our future but actually I can’t move forward. It’s not, I’m going to promise you a ring and a baby but only until my needs are met and then I’m out. It’s, I know what I wanted and I’m not leaving, and thanks to that now she stays too.

The album dealt with the theme not at all in the way I expected, but is absolutely fascinating.

#writing letters addressed to the fire #me thinking too hard about Taylor lyrics #the tortured poets department #i have many thoughts #No brain power