#id be having a gay awakening right now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

menuliso · 8 months

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i actually think i have some sort of brain damage from chapter 403 because now ive taken my bkdk obsession to a whole new degree. like, i was insane before, but now i feel as if i should be genuinely put into an asylum.

ive gone through a full on awakening.

before this chapter i refused to believe that bkdk would become canon/hinted bc like its wishful thinking. but now? ive fallen into the fucking deep end. i am of full belief that bkdk will become canon or at least be hinted bc horikoshi is cooking something and im so glad im not the only one to see it.

there is no way that man doesnt know what hes doing. bkdks entire arc has been fucking perfect and this man just keeps BUILDING UP. like all this talk about feelings, and how bkdk have never really spoken about them to eachother before??? this is like, building up to a fucking love confession i swear, because katsuki DIED for izuku, and izuku cant control his heart when it comes to katsuki, and like… what other explaination is there? atp i consider it canon that theyre in love with each other.

and the other most likely ship that i thought was gonna be canon, izuocha, just is not feasible. its not like i dislike the ship, no hate to it at all, but making it canon would be so fucking harmful to izuku and ochakos characters and we dont talk about that enough. it would a dissapointing, flat conclusion with barely any build up and itd be the bland, predictable formula. like, ochako has already basically wrapped up her thing with izuku with that entire fight with toga. shes admitted herself that her crush on izuku was more admiration than anything of massive substance. and dont even get me started on izuku. barring some fluster and embarrassed blushing in the early seasons, this boy has NOT reciprocated AT ALL. its actually ridiculous. izuku has been focused on like, two things only: hero work, and kacchan. izuku does not show ANY romantic feeling to ochako whatsoever.

surely, surely if horikoshi were to make this canon, he’d put in a little more effort? add some more chemistry, more development, more than just ‘boy meets girl. blush and get shy. little crush. get married. the end’?

that is bad storytelling, and horikoshi is anything but a bad storyteller. this guy adds foreshadowing YEARS before the chapter. horikoshi is INSANE when it comes to character + relationship + plot development. if horikoshi throws all that out the way, and makes izuocha canon, id be extremely, extremely disappointed. not because i hate the ship, but because itd be out of nowhere, disregard practically ALL development, and be nauseatingly dissatisfying.

talking of which, for the entire day ive been thinking about the foreshadowing for bkdk.

there. is. so. fucking. much. it feels like everytime i read like a new section of the manga, their relationship is described in the most frutti tutti rainbow gay way. im sorry, shigafo, did you just say that katsuki is closer to izuku than ANYONE else? excuse me, aizawa, did you just describe them as pair, a pair that the class revolves around? dont even mention the shit that izuku and katsuki say referring to each other. i cant even choose one to add in here, but every out of context bkdk quote has like these SEVERE more-than-platonic undertones, especially when you consider their past and their development. i feel like horikoshi has been doing some fucking insane foreshadowing for something MORE.

yk, i keep on thinking about how in the double spread in 403, the words ‘the beginning’ are displayed right over bkdk, as they find each other. call me delusional, but that has to be on purpose. i also keep on thinking about izukus green and orange gloves in so many official arts, and the light in both their eyes when they see each other, and the way theyre both always observing the other, never speaking about how they feel directly.

their relationship is just so, so……. and i feel like the only next step is for them to talk. just. fucking. talk. its been hinted at for so long, and horikoshi is doing SOMETHING.

them simply being together would be the most satisfying, developed, beautiful ending.

if they arent canon, i will die. ill say it now. bkdk canon. there is too much proof. as a writer, i know for a fact that i write everything for a REASON. why would horikoshi write this, if he wasn’t going to do anything with it?

bkdk will be canon. i dont care if i sound insane, or get proved entirely wrong. i now fully believe that the last page of the manga will be bkdk at a theme park eating crepes.

thank you chapter 403 for driving me off the rails.

#i didnt mean to write a full essay type piece #this was meant to be a short post about me going bonkers #not complaining tho #bkdk canon #mha 403 #bkdk #dkbk #bakudeku #dekubaku #ktdk #decchan #bnha #mha #ive got severe brainrot #horikoshi is doing something.#i did not reread this so excuse me if its just nonsense rambling

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argentsunshine · 5 days

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here is a new question and statement. happy pride month. what are your complex and convoluted gender and sexuality headcanons for all the phantom thieves and which of them have autism

happy pride month ♥️

akiras some kind of nonbinary but hes on probation so he doesn't really care about that right now <3 id say he's genderfluid or something like that. gender = wildcard. shes bi but we knew that.

ryuji is cis and he's "he's a little confused but he's got the spirit about transness . he isn't straight but he won't realise this until he's twenty one

ann has had the Very Affectionate Teen Girl Friendship thing going on with shiho for years and the realisation that she's gay has been brewing in the background for years but she doesn't fully realise it until she awakens to carmen

yusuke has the autism thing where your relationship to societal norms is sufficiently weird that "what gender are you" becomes a very difficult question to answer. he also kind of thinks everyone is kidding about attraction and hetero attraction specifically. is he gay? ace? aro? if you forced him to answer he'd spend 15 minutes talking and you still wouldn't have an answer

makoto can be transfem as a treat but she's so focused on being normal and socially acceptable and normal that she hasn't processed the gay part until about a week after awakening to johanna where she fills a notebook with points for or against the idea that she's into women. this does not help at all

futaba she/it transfem swag

haru I'm not really sure on gender but i think she realises shes gay in college but unlike ryuji where this rocks his entire world she's like oh that makes sense and moves on

akechi is a gay trans man but as previously discussed he's a binary trans guy teenager in 2016 who already has a superiority complex so it'll take him a few years to start being reasonable to other less normal and assimilationist and socially acceptable gay and trans people

i think sumi is straight not an insult to her i just think she is. she's the token straight who's become culturally queer because all her friends are gay

I've spoken about The Autism before i can't find the post but I'd just be repeating myself. ryuji and ann have adhd. nvm heres the post

#thank you jester

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unofficialgayawakening · 10 months

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hi, thank you for your work in trying to help keep gay awakening updated! Question: is there any way for someone to individually remove specific support options from the mod? I’d like to use it but would very particularly like to remove the chrom/Frederick option for my own playthroughs because Frederick is canonically stated to have helped raise chrom and lissa according to the drama cd so it makes me uncomfortable :’) if it’s not something that can be done I understand, but if it is id very much love to know how to do that!

Hey there, sorry to hear that Chrom/Frederick makes you uncomfortable! This is the first time I'm hearing about this part of the drama CD-I should really listen to/read that one of these days.

It's actually really easy to add/remove support options nowadays, you just need a program called Paragon and a full dump of the vanilla game's romfs (what the folder containing all of the game's files is called). I'll include instructions here below the readme. If you get stuck or can't get things working, feel free to join the discord and we'll be able to help you more directly!

Step 1 - Get a clean dump of your game's romfs.

Citra users: Right click on your game and select 'Dump RomFs'

Luma users: Launch your 3ds while holding Start to run GodMode9. (note: this guide was written for version v2.1.0 of GodMode9 and any older or newer releases may have different wording) - Physical: Select 'GAMECART' - Digital: Select 'SYSNAND SD' and go into 'title' folder. Open the '00040000' folder to find your games and select FEA's title ID. NA: 000A0500 EU: 0009F100 - Open 'NCSD image options…' and select 'Mount image to drive' then press A. Open 'content0.game' and press R+A while hovering over the romfs folder. Copy to 0:/gm9/out. This is the filepath you'll use to find it when you move to your computer.

Step 2 - Now that you have your romfs dump, you're going to download Paragon and start a new project. The project name can be whatever you want it to be, but make sure you select the right language and game. Your Extracted RomFS Directory is the vanilla romfs dump that you just grabbed, and the Output Directory is going to be UGA's romfs folder. The filepaths will be different when using Luma or if you move anything around for ease of access, but it should look something like this when you're done:

Step 3 - To remove the support options itself, you're going to open the Characters module in the section labeled "Core Data". From there, go to Chrom's name and switch to his Supports tab. Scroll down until you see Frederick's name, and change the Support Type from Fast to Non-romantic. Do the same thing for Frederick- select him and look for Chrom in his support tab to change the Support Type from Fast to Non-romantic. If the support type doesn't match for both characters, they won't be able to gain any support ranks at all, so make sure you change both of them!

Step 4 - The previous step removed the ability for them to support, but you probably want to remove the S support from the support log as well. In the main Paragon menu, you're going to look at the left side where it says "Nodes" and look for the option called "Support / Reliance List". From there, go to both characters and delete their last support (the one that says Support Level 4, with 0 as the Support Number). Make sure to select the correct Delete button as shown in this image:

For Frederick, you're also going to want to delete his PC supports with Lucina, so scroll down and delete all three of the Fredrick x Lucina posts that have the Support Type set to Parent/Child. Now, make sure you also go to select the first support in these lists (the first support with male robin) and select the Regenerate IDs option furthest to the right (not the one on top!). The automatic 0 it gives you is fine, this step is to ensure the game reads the edited support log correctly- failing to regenerate IDs may cause issues. Now that that's been done you're finished in Paragon, so you can go to File > Save to save those changes!

Step 5 - The last thing you can do (if you so desire) is delete the actual supports themselves. You can find the support files in romfs/m/E, where you'll see a ton of files named with Japanese characters. Chrom and Frederick's modded supports are named "クロム_フレデリク.bin.lz" while Lucina and Frederick's PC support is named "マルス_フレデリク_親子.bin.lz"

Step 6 - After that, just make sure your romfs folder is where your mods go and you should be set! You should be able to see the changes both in-game and in the support log now.

Lastly, here are a few things you should know when it comes to updates:

The two files you've edited are the static.bin.lz (this controls many things in the game, including support options) and the RelianceList.bin.lz (the support log)

Unless the support options in the latest update change, or there's a bugfix regarding support gain, you will not need to replace your static.bin.lz! Just keep the one you edited when you update, everything will work perfectly fine. I don't expect the static.bin.lz to be updated frequently, but I will be tweaking support options for the Spotpass characters later down the line so you will have to redo Step 3 when that happens.

The support log for UGA has not been finished yet, so the RelianceList.bin.lz WILL get updated in the next major release, so you will have to replace your own edited one. When that happens, you'll have to repeat Step 4 again, but that doesn't take too long so hopefully that's not an issue! When I finish the support log, you won't have to do this ever again.

And that should be everything! I hope it wasn't too confusing- after you set up Paragon for the first time it's honestly really easy to make changes to the game. It's a super friendly program, and you can do all sorts of silly things with it. Like I said though, you're welcome to join the discord for more direct help from us! We're friendly, I promise :P

#uga answers #mod guide #mod manak #fe uga

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moonssugar · 1 year

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10, 16, & 20 for the pride asks please! :)

20. Have your ocs helped you in self discovery? How?

lets start off with 20 because its defintely the funniest lmaoooo

my main character sam is transmasc (a trans boy) and my tertiary protag is a lesbian (aubry) and she discovers this as the story goes out and let me to tell you there is nothing more hilarious than 1. writing and thinking extensively about how your character is a lesbian and pouring so much into that while being in total denial about yourself and 2. discovering even more about your own inwards trans feelings by giving your transmasc oc 90% of your personality and also through metaphor and symbolism by making a lot of the story a trans analogy. but wait, the character i see the most of myself in, sam, is transmasc but aubry, the second character i see so much of myself in, is a lesbian so how can these seemingly contradictory things be true simultaneously you ask? well it turns out that im a transmasc lesbian. who couldve saw that coming, right? (me. i saw this coming). still the funniest fucking thing about me like "yeah go ahead and tell yourself a story and accidently awaken something in yourself, this will be so funny and cool" and honestly it is so cool! one of the most writing things ive ever done

10. Does your oc celebrate Pride? How?

yes they do! sam has been to a local pride parade/event at some point with his parents (who are bi4bi). he also has a trans flag hanging up in his room that dual functions as a symbol of pride and also a window curtain that turns his room pink and blue at certain times of the day (its intentional). chelsie celebrates pride as well, mostly through self expression like with her clothing and style but she loves pride events too and collecting little pride themed objects that end up in random places. i feel like chelsie's way of celebrating pride is chaotic and spontaneous which suits her. both of them have pride themed bracelets and backpack pins, you know the baby queer stuff i love (i still love the baby queer stuff idc) and sam has trans, bi and rainbow themed tie dye shirts he made and loves to wear. aubry has never seen any pride flag or been to an event and she didnt even know gay people existed as well people and not the boogyman or theoretical person she heard about in church until she realized she was gay and met other queer people (and she literally has two dads LOL). but once she does she cant get enough of rainbows and the lesbian flag which in the alternate universe world where shes from no one knows its meant to symbolize queerness. so she gets to walk around with flags and colors that no one recognizes except her and her family. its hilarious, its her own "no one knows im a lesbian" pin. they just think shes from a different country or something (where all the pretty girls are from). sam and chelsie gifted her a lesbian flag through their mail system once she returned home and she cherishes it. mostly, i'd say my characters celebrate pride through living, being who they want to be and uplifting each other amd they love their glitter, music, make up, tie dye shirts, flags and rainbows too

16. Did you ever change an oc's identity when they were already established? Why?

my character's queer identities have been pretty solid since inception and through their development, its one of the things that have changed the least about them. sam used to be some flavor of trans/nonbinary but there are other nonbinary characters in my story now and sam ids with transmasc the most instead of nonbinary. chelsie has always been transfem as far as i can remember although i mightve imagined her cis one single time and then said "nah im gonna trans your gender no way in hell youre cis" when i didnt feel connected to her characterization [transgenderfication beam]. and aubry has remained gay as hell even as she started off as a completely different person that split into two then i used one half of the personality, refurbished it by gave it some religious trauma, pining and autism to create modern aubry then used the other half for something else. everyone else's personalities have started at the surface level idea of who i think they are and deepened and complexified from there and thats even more intricate than i could describe in one sitting and not always specifically about their queer identity

oh i almost forgot! one character (benjamin, aubry's father) has a bi panic awakening after he went through life identifying as gay and instead of a guy being the source of the panic it was aubry's mother (valid, i'd panic if i saw her too). his character started off as gay but aubry didn't hatch from a magic egg or grow from a pumpkin in a patch or fall to earth like a shooting start (amos's many joke versions of the birds and bees, amos is married to benjamin and is her dad #2) so i needed an explanation for that. he also discovers he's polyamorous in the process so good for him! other characters have become noticeably less cis over time but were already kinda gender weird to begin with if i squinted hard enough. like are you really cis if im writing you? be fr

also, sam's parents in my mind

#thanks for playing rachel! <3 ur so cool #ask game #roadtrip! by me #sam (roadtrip!)#chelsie (roadtrip!)#aubry (roadtrip!)

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vacantgodling · 1 year

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For the pride asks!

1. Which labels do you use?

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family?

15. How has your identity changed over time?

<3 MJ

MJ!!! happy pride 💛💛 i’ll do this for me & ur favorite vampire boys (so darren, gabe, n & beau :>)

1. Which labels do you use?

i personally use queer (my sexuality is mad complicated and i can’t really find a term that i like. if i were to pick something close i’d say achillean or mlnb/mlm really resonates with me & i love that damn toothpaste flag in part out of spite) & transmasc (i consider myself a trans man for the most part but my relationship with being a Man is complicated by being nd/black etc so transmasc in itself feels right but i also like genderqueer — queer is my favorite tbh)

for darren he’s bi!

gabe is demiromantic demisexual & he’s gay. he kinda learns that he’s these things throughout the story bc he’s like deadass never been attracted to anyone until he and darren start getting close and he doesn’t really know what to do with himself lmao

n is a transman & tbh he hasn’t thought about his sexuality too much cuz he’s married to his ambition 💀 he would definitely say he’s queer but he doesn’t really care too much about defining himself too hard bc until beau he had No Plans of being with anyone romantically or sexually lol. not bc he doesn’t feel that kind of attraction or anything, he’s just been more focused on his career lmao

beau is pansexual :3c also he’s a vampire which is just being inherently queer in he & n’s universe.

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family?

for me, nah. two of my older cousins are gay and there’s probably more but i’m not close to my fam. i am however the token trans person 🤪

for darren nah, both his parents (dave & liz) are bi, and olice has some gender fuckery/aspec vibes going on but she doesn’t really have labels for anything yet.

gabe technically no? but he doesn’t really talk to his mom about this type of stuff lol. + being a millennia+ old celestial vampire… sexuality and labels are just cute human concepts to her. it’s different for gabe bc he was born on earth and while not raised like “human” or anything he doesn’t have the same experience as the few other celestials around.

n, definitely yes. his mom is super supportive but he doesn’t talk to his grandparents.

beau doesn’t know his birth family so that’s a complicated question. apart of the larger vampire “family” definitely not lol. in this universe, even being a vampire is a status of being queer so.

15. How has your identity changed over time?

for darren it was more straightforward he liked boys growing up and realizing he could like girls was kind of a secondary thing? he’d say it’s cuz of the whole cooties debacle from youth and he took that shit too seriously as a kid, so he never really had girl or femme id-ing people he hung out with until olice came into his life and then after that he realized oh, shit. yeah girls hot also awooga. (not bc of her she’s a sister to him but him realizing oh i can talk to girls and not die, oh they’re hot too)

gabe really didn’t have any type of sexuality awakening until darren lmao like it’s kind of funny. if you asked him before he would say he was aroace bc he didn’t like anyone and even his close friends didn’t spark anything in him. darren was different tho—he flustered him and he liked being around him and Maybe wanted to kiss him? so that’s when he realized he was probably demi instead bbhggh

n was one of those i knew i was queer from birth types so he doesn’t feel like the journey was with his identity, just more getting the curtain to match the drapes—or, getting how he presented outwardly to match his feelings inward. he was one of those athletic tomboys who hated being associated with girl shit, etc but had grandparents who raised him try to force him into that box, which is why he doesn’t talk to them now.

beau is also similar to n; bc being a vampire is inherently queer in their universe (in general too probably but yknow), because he was turned so young (around 5) he’s always felt inherently queer so there wasn’t much of a Journey to figuring himself out in that sense.

and then my long ass answer under the cut

when i was younger i never liked being a girl. but i didn’t really think of myself as a boy either? i just thought of myself as “deadname” and that was the extent of everything. i hated being feminine but i didn’t really resonate with being a “boy” because i didn’t like sports and the like. at some point i kind of just accepted that i was a “tomboy” but i still just felt like “deadname” that was my gender lmao. at least up until 8th grade where (2) things happened. (1) i found yaoi and (2) i had a Queer Awakening experience. for the first part i’d been really into japanese anime and shit for a long time but when i discovered yaoi and saw 2 men being able to love each other romantically and sexually it really opened up my worldview. i kinda never thought about having a partner. i’d had people say they liked me before but i just never felt like… into them? but looking back it’s probably bc i knew they saw me as a girl and that’s what i didn’t like i just didnt know that lmao. but seeing yaoi made me subconsciously realize that i would want a partner if it was like That. i didn’t know what That was at the time (the that being, me also being a dude lmao). and the queer awakening was when i was coming back from a school trip and my friend at the time fell asleep on me with her head on my shoulder. and i just remember thinking so so VIVIDLY “omg it’s like i’m her boyfriend” and the idea of it filled me with euphoria?? i tried to think “nah i should be thinking gf bc i’m a girl right?” but my brain rejected that Immediately. after that when i got into tumblr in hs i kind of started learning more about being gender-fluid and so i kind of dabbled in that—bc around that time the friends and gf i had were very like. oh boys suck and shit and i couldn’t just be a boy without feeling some type of way? but i definitely wasn’t Just a girl. i tried to convince myself maybe i wasn’t a boy at all bc i still didn’t feel like i could be one—i still didn’t like boy shit. i liked wearing skirts (at the time), i liked dress up games and feminine shit… so clearly i had to be Partially a girl? so it kept me in the closet for a long bit until i finally was like nah i’m like. just. a dude. a guy. all of this gender shit kind of went hand in hand with my sexuality bc i always hated the insinuation that i was a lesbian (which happened a lot, got called lesbo, my mom kept asking me if i was a lesbian bc i was physically affectionate with my would become hs gf at the time—and i realize now off topic that tbh i wouldn’t have dated her if my mom and her mom and other people weren’t putting pressure on it to be romantic? like friends can hold hands and cuddle for fucks sake Lmao) bc i’m not a girl or a woman lmao. i didn’t really like being bi either bc at the time i thought it was only being attracted to men and women and what about nb people (i’ve learned better now but this was in hs) plus my own gender was up in the air so like???? pan was my go to and i really felt at home in that label for many years. until i think a few years ago where like idk how to explain well but i just realized while i do think women can be pretty and even sexy i’m just not like. attracted to them in the same way that i’m attracted to men or nb people that aren’t femme leaning. so that’s why mlm/mlnb feels right to me? like my partner’s agender for instance lmao, but they’re my self proclaimed goth hibimbo and they tend to dress femme bc they like the fashion so like. it’s not the presentation of femininity that i’m not attracted to? so in that sense i still feel like it’s not quite correct but. words are dumb we move.

this was so long rip

#about renjamin #s: darren and co #s: dead rites #s: vdtrt

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werewolffem · 1 year

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i want to socially detransition (never started medically for various reasons) and i know its probably the best path for me to reidentify as a woman again. im very short so even if i DID transition i would have very slim chances of passing convincingly anyway, plus the various health issues connected with medical transition that are swept under the rug by the trans community.. im only attracted to women (so ..a lesbian) so the internalized homophobia probably played a big part, im 20 now and been identifying as male since i was 13-14:/ my friend group during middle/high school, with whom i no longer talk to, was also mildly homophobic towards me and i think this pushed me to ID as "straight transman". im very scared of "reverse coming out". i lost a lot of friends in the past ~two years due to being severely depressed & its always hard to be all alone and im afraid being a desister is going to alienate me even more:/ i know what i should do (be a woman), but im too cowardly right now. especially after spending my 'formative' years like this.

if you believe it is the right and best path for you, then it 99.9% is. i started out by questioning it as well, thinking about detransitioning, about how i was actually a lesbian, the abuse/trauma/homophobia that helped attribute to this, and of course the danger of the hormones that wrecked my body. it took me some time to accept it due to the fact that i was afraid of losing my friends that i had made through transition. i went to and spoke to the "mean radfems" about it, those who i knew detransitioned, because they were the only ones i could trust to get actual helpful advice from.

i won't lie and say it's not true, but it's likely some friends will drop you for detransitioning -- for some reason they see this as some act of betrayal? they put detrans + radfems as one even if someone isn't a radfem and simply detrans. it is very possible this will lose friends but WERE they ever actually your friend if they drop you for doing what's best for you and who you are?

internalized homophobia plays a big part in this, i know for a fact. my mom yelled at me for being gay. was actually disgusted with me and told it to my face that she thought i was disgusting but proceeds to gaslight me into thinking she didn't which furthered the issue. sometimes you just have to come to terms with things by yourself rather than getting the resolution you needed from someone. knowing the internalized homophobia is there is the first step into deconstructing it within yourself and accepting/coming to terms with yourself. it takes time and a lot of work but you can do it!

if you choose to desist, you will be lost. I'm not trying to scare you but you'll feel like you're lost, you have no clue who you are anymore because you immersed yourself into an identity for so long and at so young. you'll have to find yourself again, but it will feel so freeing once you do! detransitioning for me was so awakening? i have been able to heal from certain things and find myself again, like my true self, and not hide as something for safety and coping. my depression and anxiety even eased up after detransitioning, especially stopping hrt as well.

what you choose to do is up to you, but i will be here if you need help or someone to talk to. this is all just information from me personally and it's not the same for everyone who desists/detransitions. it can be a lonely experience but there are people here who understand and can help along the way. so don't be afraid to reach out to me or someone else again. i know where you're coming from. there's no time frame for this. give yourself time to think things over, do what's best for you, do what you know will make you happy. for me, it was finding myself again in detransitioning. can it be the same for you? yes. but give yourself time ❤️

#detrans #anon

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itsdelicate · 1 year

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omg i remember u mentioning getting a new tat and wanted to ask what u wanted to get but completely forgot dkjfns. so what did you get?

yes it isss!! it took me forever to properly get into music like the only reason i ever started liking specific artists was quarantine lmao. that is so wow omg. so like fearless era? that mustve been fun tho!! honestly i would love to spend half my life a swiftie lol. i was i was!! like omg the bad blood mv is prob one of the biggest "omg girls?!!?!??!!?" moments of my life like that scene w her velcroing on the boxing glove w her teeth,,, the hair, the makeup, just everything. i still scream a little when i see that scene lmao. and also like ybwm, love story, ikywt, blank space (another mv i was obsessed w), etc etc. the popular ones!! and my vocal teacher actually introduced me to cruel summer (which i loved) and also her cover of riptide. like now thinking ab it,,, how did he even know omg??? SO TRUE like inject ivy into my veins its so *chefs kiss*. YES YES YES mad woman is so scream in the car or into a pillow while crying i love her sm. LMAO YES i remember seeing it and genuinely thinking. huh. a happy song cool! and then its just pain for 5 mins which i absolutely LOVE.

AWWW THEYRE SO SWEET I CANT JKMDWMV i would cry if any of them did that to me. so valid so true shes just so !!!??!??!??!?!?!?

yessssssss. rapunzel is such an icon <3 she so issss!!!! OMG I LOVE MAMMA MIA SM!!!!! abba is obvs everything and meryl streep???!?!?!!!! AND amanda seyfried AND julie walters AND christine baranski???!!?!!!? AND colin firth and pierce brosnan?!?!?!?! its such a classic and i could watch it forever jkdmsfvjnm. yes omg i immediately stop the second i feel a bit annoyed w it. okok i def will!!

it is it is njskodjn. haha yea ik a lot of ppl dont really like it lmao but the second i heard it was obsessed. RIGHT??? makes me cry everytime. im very much a sad songs lover <3

yea me too!! like to go to a mall and seeing the massive tree and all the decorations?? so pretty so fun i love it.

glad i could be of service lol ajnsmf <3 yes it did thanks!! my friends and i are planning on watching the black panther movie together so that hopefully!! have u watched it? and wbu do u have any plans? also i realise that i totally spam u in these replies iwdkfvs im so sorry i talk and ramble a lot lmao

xxx ur secret santa

very rude of tumblr not to tell me i got your ask 😒 anyway! it’s a little mermaid rat!! it has the prettiest colours in it’s tail and the design was to raise funds for the mermaids charity who support trans, non-binary and gender diverse kids and families <33333

oooh gotcha i totally get it a lot of my friends aren’t into music like at all but i’m so glad you found a love for taylor’s music hehe yess fearless era!! but you’re here now!! you can be an honorary since-fearless-era stan 😌 love that for you omg the scene you’re talking about it,,, Yes whew on this topic i didn’t know it then but the story of us mv was a gay awakening for me ahdjfj and yes the blank space mv was SO good!! (is it your fav music video?) i will never not be upset that cruel summer didn’t become a single IT WAS RIGHT THERE!!! omgggg stop her cover of riptide is my fav thing ever i listened to it obsessively for ages your vocal teacher knew what he was doing 😌 help i didn’t even process that it’s over 5 mins long it’s so 🥲

EXACTLY EXACTLY!!! i had like post concert (convention 🤔) depression for days after lmao

YESSS it’s such a classic and so feel good i love it so so much!! my cousin introduced me to all the abba songs when i was like 7 and she burned them onto a cd for me under the instructions that id stop singing mamma mia at all hours cause i was annoying her 💀 and then i proceeded to audition with mamma mia the song for my school’s talent show and all the teacher’s laughed cause i was literally 8 years old singing about how i’d been cheated on and i was brokenhearted 😭 shfkgk i have to do that when i overplay taylor’s songs sometimes like ok i have to listen to another album now or i’ll burn myself out smh

it had such a different sound! but i love it now and omg i always find myself avoiding really sad songs 🤧

yeah!! it’s such a lovely time and i adore going to christmas markets <3

omg nice! no i haven’t ahdjf i actually haven’t seen mcu movies 🫣 i never got into them and my friend’s a huge fan who keeps asking to me watch them but it feels like there’s too much to get into now from the beginning shdjf and no omg i love it!! spam away 😌

i hope you’re having a good week!! 🥰

#ask #anonymous #santaswiftie

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buscemifan · 2 years

Note

4, 11, 25, 43, 66 (this ones just funny), 85. also u should do one of those ask games where u rate music people send u i want ur takes on some songs

4. Who's the most important person in your life right now? Why?

probably my crush tbh…basically my whole day revolves around him. or my bestie neal bc i try to call them literally every day. neal if you’re seeing this ily

11. Do you think you have a particularly unique view on life?

I don’t know that it’s super unique but i definitely view life as “skill acquiring time”…i like to spend my days trying to get good at things. and of course enjoying others who are also good at things

25. A classic - would you rather know the date of your death or the way you die? Would you rather know when you die or when your closest loved one dies?

i fr hate thinking abt death…i guess i would rather know the date. bc if it’s like “in a car wreck” i’d be scared every time i got in a car. but if i knew specifically when i was gonna die i’d probably be a lot less nervous. and i guess i’d rather know when a loved one dies because i believe in that silly hollywood idea of closure in death like id make sure i told them everything

43. How do you express affection? How do you like to receive affection?

the classic love languages question…i definitely show affection with acts of service. let me cook you something let me run an errand with you let me do you this favor … and i like quality time in return usually. just sit with me and enjoy the things i enjoy

66. If you are gay, did you struggle to accept your sexuality? Would you change it if you could?

jury’s still out on my sexuality tbh…but hilarious story when i was a kid i was desperately convinced i was a lesbian because i just never had feelings toward men (nevermind not really having feelings for women either) so i literally had a straight awakening

85. What memories would describe as your "core" ones?

it’s tough to conjure up anything specific tbh, i more think of specific time periods in my life rather than events. the three that come to mind rn are watching fargo for the first time (a year ago today!), meeting vinny at a convention in 2019 and breaking my ankle last month LMFAO

#music ask prompts soon i think … it’s bedtime #iwanttopainthorses #asks #long post

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pesterloglog · 4 months

Text

Dave Strider, John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde

Candy, page 11

DAVE: yo john what do you think about me and karkat

JOHN: um...

JOHN: you two are pretty cute together, i guess?

DAVE: together

DAVE: i need you to be way more specific here

JOHN: oh, ok.

JOHN: hmm. i guess i’d have to say that you’re both cute individually when you’re with each other, and you make cute friends, which is why you’re cute together. something about it just works!

JOHN: i feel like i’m saying cute a lot here.

JOHN: for the record, i don’t mean you’re cute as an individual. no offense.

JOHN: alone, you’re just dave.

JOHN: but together, yeah. you guys are cute.

DAVE: together

DAVE: you mean

DAVE: like a couple

JOHN: er... yes.

JOHN: that’s exactly what i mean.

DAVE: why

JOHN: didn’t i just explain it? good friends make good partners!

JOHN: you’re similar in all the right ways, and different in all the even more right ways.

JOHN: you two balance each other out and keep each other from going off the rails, like when you were kids.

DAVE: huh

JOHN: you were both kinda... crazy when we were kids? again, no offense.

DAVE: thats not what i was saying huh about

JOHN: oh.

DAVE: i was saying huh because that sure was a coherent egbertian thesis on the state of the davekat situation

JOHN: well, i’ve thought about it that way for a long time. i think it’s what everyone else thinks too.

DAVE: i dont know

DAVE: if id been thinking about it that way i wouldnt be in the mess im in right now

JOHN: you’re in a mess?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: theres a metric fucking ton of shit about to come down on me because i dragged my heels on doing some serious self reflection

JOHN: is this just some more stuff about...

JOHN: being gay?

DAVE: maybe yeah

DAVE: ok definitely yeah

DAVE: its 110% about being gay

JOHN: i thought you’d already worked all that stuff out?

DAVE: turns out it takes a long time to figure out your sexuality after a childhood filled with repression and abuse

JOHN: dave...

DAVE: i mean yeah i woke the hell up to my inner potential for gayness in a big way

DAVE: but then i just kind of pressed the snooze button and rolled back over because we kinda had to fight all those jacks and also create society

JOHN: holy fucking shit.

JOHN: there’s a gay snooze button?

DAVE: yeah man theres a gay snooze button

JOHN: wow.

DAVE: when i was having my gay coolboy awakening it wasnt a full no homo but it was at least a quarter no homo

DAVE: if i hadnt done that then instead of talking to you about this id be at home right now

DAVE: uh

DAVE: kissing karkat probably

JOHN: i don’t get this dave. am i your gay confessor or something?

JOHN: you don’t need my blessing to go kiss karkat. in fact, i was pretty sure you were already kissing karkat!

DAVE: nope

JOHN: in that case, as the lord pope of dave’s fully awakened gaydom i give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible!

JOHN: go now my child, and kiss karkat right on the lips!!!

DAVE: ok as much as i appreciate how weird a thing that was to say

DAVE: its not that simple

JOHN: i might not exactly be the expert, but kissing seems pretty easy, dave.

JOHN: i’m sure it gets more complicated in the later stages obviously, but i think you can figure out how to get your lips on his without much trouble.

DAVE: no i mean like

DAVE: in the greater fabric of our weird incestuous social group

DAVE: it might be the wrong move i think

JOHN: how so?

DAVE: because

DAVE: ...

DAVE: jade

JOHN: right.

JOHN: i almost managed to forget that she was trying to fuck you and karkat.

DAVE: wait you knew about that

JOHN: uh, yeah?

JOHN: did you not?

DAVE: of course i knew about it

DAVE: i was lookin at the whole thing through several complicated layers of conscious denial but i knew

DAVE: its just that you like

DAVE: never leave your house

JOHN: well it probably helps that jade literally said the words to me... and i may be paraphrasing here, but...

JOHN: “hey john, i’m gonna fuck dave and karkat!”

DAVE: wtf she said that to you

DAVE: what did you say

JOHN: i dunno, it was a while ago. probably that it was a bad idea.

JOHN: but i thought it was kinda obvious... she’s always had a crush on you, dave.

DAVE: yeah i know

DAVE: thats why i think that i should

DAVE: give it a try i guess

JOHN: give what a try? dating jade?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: and karkat

JOHN: oh man, dave. i don’t know. that sounds like it could really blow up in your face.

DAVE: yeah thats why im kinda freaking out right now if you didnt notice

JOHN: sorry dude it’s just... do you even like jade?

DAVE: of course i do shes one of my best friends

JOHN: no i meant... do you LIKE-like her?

DAVE: oh my god john youre twenty three years old can you at least pretend to talk like a grown man

JOHN: ok dave, god!

JOHN: are you IN LOVE with jade?

JOHN: ...are you in love with karkat?

DAVE: thats

DAVE: thats a big fucking question

DAVE: thats the biggest fucking question that ever got asked

DAVE: its like the paleolithic megafauna of questions like its so familiar but your eyes just glaze over it in denial because its too fucking big

DAVE: why did megalodon sharks need to have such big jaws john

JOHN: uh... to eat smaller sharks?

DAVE: ive never been so fucking terrified by a question in my entire life

DAVE: seriously my heart is pounding so hard right now that i feel like im gonna hurl

JOHN: well, doesn’t that answer the question?

DAVE: nah because

DAVE: because its not like i feel nothing for jade

DAVE: in fact i feel a whole lot of things for her

DAVE: too many to just tell her off after all this time

DAVE: i mean she spent all those years alone on the ship and i know she missed me

DAVE: and then davesprite died

DAVE: or turned into fucking davepeta i was never clear exactly on what happened there

DAVE: and god knows he didnt make any attempt to clear the fucking air with her

DAVE: but when i think about it neither did i

DAVE: so maybe im just a huge asshole whos been leading her on for like a whole goddamn decade at this point

DAVE: and if i have been dont i owe it to her to at least try

JOHN: if that’s your logic dave, then haven’t you been leading karkat on too?

JOHN: doesn’t he deserve the same chance?

JOHN: i mean, if you think it’s the kind of decision you can lay on another person like this...

JOHN: why don’t you just flip a coin?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: have you been talking to terezi

JOHN: um...

DAVE: damn i thought she ghosted everyone

JOHN: not me... i guess?

DAVE: huh

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: i know you thought that sounded like a totally cool thing to say but i dont really think you grasp the full metaphysical implications of whatever youre quoting there

DAVE: do you know what a coin flip is

DAVE: like universally i mean in the grand scale of all this time space infinite string theory bullshit were always dealing with

JOHN: of course!

JOHN: it’s like when you know that you’ve already made a decision you’re reluctant about, and need an outside force to show you how you really feel?

DAVE: no dude thats dumb

DAVE: you should know this cause youve done the retcon thing

JOHN: what does that have to do with flipping coins?

DAVE: ok so every time you flip a coin youre creating an alternate timeline right

DAVE: one where it lands heads and one where it lands tails

DAVE: but while the coin is flipping both possibilities exist simultaneously

JOHN: but what if you knew for sure that you’d make the same decision no matter which side landed up?

DAVE: you cant

JOHN: so... it’s like the coin never lands then?

DAVE: sure

JOHN: then if you dated *both* jade and karkat it’d be like you’re winning the schrodinger’s cat paradox.

DAVE: uh yeah thats another theoretical paradox that i think you gotta read up on a bit more there buddy

JOHN: i probably won’t, but ok.

DAVE: fair enough

DAVE: but yes metaphysics aside me dating both jade and karkat at the same time literally is the issue at hand and it is that with which i currently and explicitly struggle

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: sure seems that way.

DAVE: so...

JOHN: i dunno, dave.

JOHN: this all just... it doesn’t sound *right* to me.

JOHN: i mean... it doesn’t sound...

JOHN: *canon*?

DAVE: ugh not you too

DAVE: rose is always going on about canon

DAVE: i dont give a fuck about canon

JOHN: then what DO you give a fuck about?

DAVE: doing the right thing

DAVE: i guess

JOHN: this doesn’t seem hard to me at all, dave!

JOHN: go home right now and tell karkat how you feel.

DAVE: look i

DAVE: i cant

DAVE: if i did that it would be like

DAVE: like

JOHN: like what, dave? like you would be really happy, and karkat would also be really happy?

DAVE: ugh im not explaining myself right i need to

DAVE: i have to... talk to dirk i think

JOHN: uh, ok?

JOHN: what’s up?

ROXY: yo boys not to interrupt but we got kicked outta the restaurant for not ordering

JOHN: what? really?

JOHN: what’s even the point of being famous if that can happen?

ROXY: lmao i know right

ROXY: told u i wasnt classy enough for the joint

ROXY: i got all these breadsticks tho so we can reconvene in the park

ROXY: totes romantic

ROXY: ten minutes, what u say

JOHN: uh, sounds good! i’ll see you there soon!

JOHN: i’m... sorry i couldn’t help.

DAVE: nah dude its not your fault

DAVE: enjoy your date

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #dave strider #john egbert #roxy lalonde #candy epilogue #page 11

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tears-of-boredom · 1 year

Text

watching deadly class and god damn thats an identical white boy. just like the other ones. this one gets beaten to a bloody mess more often though. and Saya's name is really god damn close to mine and one time someone pronounced it a bit weird and i got a bit surprised.

tbh im on ep 7 and im kinda losing interest in the plot. ill watch for the bloody dudes though. but this series is definetly not helping me with my temptation for smoking.

yeah im ten minutes into this episode and its really fucking boring. i mean like the villains hot and all but i like do not care for these people enough for this. im just honestly waiting until eveyone gets all bloody again. tbh i was readying myself for boring teen shit cuz of stuff ive seen from the fandom, but i guess i was preparing for the wrong kind of boring lol. i mean uhh marco?? what the fucks even the main guys name lmaooo. im really hoping he dies in a bloody mess cuz the breed of white guy he is looks really good when literally on the brink of death and covered in blood.

anyways yeah im giving up at uhh 27:16 of episode seven. and spoilers sorry but so im watching this on some website for free and i think episode 5 was somehow cut short, because i did not see like chico dying. like any of that scene. i just had to piece everything together from the "previously on deadly class" half minute of episode 6. it doesnt really matter anyways but its kinda funny. also in the pilot when marco tried to kill himself im pretty sure i thought "do it you pussy" and i laughed about that for a solid minute. and at another point i think it was something,, basically just an intrusive thought came related to the scene i was watching, and i laughed about that as well for some time because it was like a horrible thing to think if i actually meant it. shame i dont remember it cuz i bet it was real funny. oh and i was also thinking about the like villain dude, chester i think? i was thinking whether or not the burn scar was prosthetic and im gonna look it up now.

aw man it is prosthethic. idk what i was hoping for tbh, i was just thinking that itd probably be easier to just get an actor that has a burn scar than do all that make up, espec since all the flash backs back to when he doesnt have them are animated, so you wouldnt have like that problem either.

but hey, at least now i know the vibe and basic premise of this show so i can read any fics i happen to stumble upon. that is literally like, top 5 reasons im watching all this shit: so i can read more fics and make sure that im not missing out on shit. thats why i thought this was gonna a be a bit more of a light show, cuz all the fandom shit seemed to be just teens, but its not like im that surprised that teenagers are writing fics about mentally ill trained killers like come on. thats like peak YA shit. also i kinda disliked marco at the beginning cuz he was talking a bit too harshly about "the scizos", but then he had that communist awakening and i kinda like him now. oh and you can call me a snowflake all you want but the word " the r word gets thrown around a bit too lightly for my taste. not rape, the other one.

oh actually i think the intrusive thought i had was something about viktor being gay or something. like way before marco said it. and im really trying to stop calling people gay for looking a bit too hard at someone. or maybe it wasnt that cuz i think viktor was saying some shit about sucking dick and if thats true then i had the full right to call his ass gay in my thoughts.

and before i go,, i fucking love billy. lord knows if i was in that school i would be so fucking whipped for that boy like oh my god. id def be a rat too. and im gonna stop here before i create a deadly class self-insert oc in my head cuz i really dont like this series that much. but billy is so fucking, uhhhh,,,,, well i was gonna say hot cuz thats like the word i use for attractive people usually, but i honestly wouldnt really call him hot.....ummm i mean id say cute if it didnt sound so patronising and infantalising......okay whatever he's attractive and honestly id call him hot if i even got eye contact form him back so...no actually i think just being in his vicinity would be enough....yeah my standards are like so low to the ground, you could manipulate me so fucking easily cuz my nerves would be too shot out the whole time to even register anything. and afterwards id be thinking "no im so aware of myself id know if i was being manipulated". also i already dont trust myself so you could gaslight me real easy as well. i mean id probably kill you if you went too hard with it cuz sometimes i get a bit in my head when frustrated, but honestly my weak ass would be brought down with the promise of like,, a hug. i am really fucking starved of attention and tenderness and literally everything that parents are supposed to give you and i dont have the strength to be in denial about that. i literally started crying when my sister shared an experience with me that i fully related to.

LMAO WHAT THE FUCK DID THIS POST TURN INTO IM SORRY ITS LITERALLY 5:05AM AND WATCHING MOVIES AND SHIT ALWAYS PUTS ME IN A MOOD. well,, i was gonna tag this as "i experienced media" but after this fucking text wall of rambling on i dont think it fits that anymore.

#tearful stuff

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rosegoldcas · 4 years

Text

Miss Honey from Matilda

That’s it that’s the post

#my goooooooooooood i wanted her to be my teacher sooooooooooooobad when i was little #i just wanna give her a hug and listen to her tell me she loves me #i could listen to this womans voice forever and id die a happy woman #her voice sounds like what a caramel filled chocolate tastes like #so soft #i feel so warm in the inside watching matilda right now #shes so hot too god damn #im in looooove shes so beautiful i wish she was my teacher and i also wish she was my wife i wanna raise a baby with her 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#okay she might have been my real gay awakening cause I’ve been in love with her since i was like 6 i think she planted that lesbo seed in me #MmmmmmMMMMMmmmmmmm #im craving some honey you know what i mean 😏#is she gay does she have a wife does she need a sugar baby or even someone to like clean the house or something #ima look that up when i can i need to know if theres some way i can be around her and have her read to me or some shit #i am GAY #I AM GEN Z #YOU KNOW I CANT WAIT FOR THINGS I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATION #(*lemongrab voice* uAcEpPtABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL #Miss honey #matilda #childhood

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writer-monster · 3 years

Text

11 reasons why cap 4 should reintroduce Bucky Barnes as the love interest, an essay

to start this off, i am not writing this essay from a shipping place nor do i believe that this would have any influence at all over the upcoming movie. i expect nothing. this is simply something that i would personally like to see. (of course no hate to anybody who thinks differently)

here are 11 reasons why i think making Bucky into Sam Wilson's love interest in Cap 4 would be a good move for Disney.

1. on the Chinese film market - and why it's an irrelevant argument against the inclusion of homosexual themes in Cap 4

the Chinese film market is something that has been blamed for a lack of diversity in Hollywood films a lot lately. many people claim that this market with a lot of buying power has been responsible for the lack of gay and black representation in particular within Hollywood films.

and we have certainly seen Hollywood treating it as such, going so far as to cut gay scenes from movies for their Chinese releases, and vastly minimising John Boyega's (a black actor's) presence in the Chinese poster of Star Wars The Force Awakens.

[image ID: on the left is an image of the American poster for Star Wars The Force Awakens, featuring John Boyega prominently on the right-hand side. And on the right is the Chinese poster for the same movie, in which John Boyega is barely visible.]

so we know at the very least that Disney believes this through their own actions and efforts to self-censor for the different markets.

but Captain America 4 is a black-led movie, don't you forget. and Disney can't minimise Sam Wilson/Anthony Mackie in the movie or the poster because it's his movie and his poster. and no amount of creativity in the editing room can change that (thank God!).

so if by their own argument the film is already going to be either banned, panned or slammed in China... then what do they have to fear from making it a gay movie too?

2. oh, the queerbaiting

queerbaiting is an unusual cultural idea. and sometimes i find myself thinking that the term is far too easily used, but then all of a sudden i will stumble upon a movie or show that is so quintessentially cruel and overt in it's... well... queerbaiting that i will start to wonder what the hell kind of a bizarre relationship all these straight people seem to have with their friends. take Troy and Abed from Community or John and Sherlock from Sherlock as the perfect examples of this. (in which my reaction to the show's creators saying the show wasn't gay was to ask so then why did you make it so gay?!)

i felt that Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes in tfatws were getting quite close to this level of queerbaiting.

there was the field scene, the couple's counselling scene, the boat scene, the couple's counselling scene, Bucky going with Sam to face Karli when she told Sam to come alone, the couple's counselling scene, ALL the staring scenes, Sam checking out Bucky's ass here as they said goodbye, the "i would move in with him but" hidden scene, "Uncle Bucky" showing up at the cookout scene, the romantic walking off together into the sunset together ending scene, and the couple's counselling scene. did i forget anything? but i mean seriously, the couple's counselling scene!!! that thing they did with their legs and their crotches while staring deep into each other's eyes, would any straight guy willingly do that? do straight guys crotch-snuggle now?

[image ID: an image of Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes during the therapy scene with the quote, "Isn't anybody going to drag me into impromptu couple's therapy and slot my legs firmly between theirs before staring deeply into my eyes?"]

(yeah i stole this image from a buzzfeed article on the fan reactions to the couple's therapy scene. but given that they stole 80% of the content of that article from fandom tumblr, i think it's pretty even-steven.)

there's also the fact that people started talking about bisexual Bucky Barnes a lot after the tiger pictures line, and the lead writer Malcom Spellman responded to the talk of Bucky's bisexuality with "just keep watching". well we watched, Malcolm. but it's beginning to feel like you were just jerking us around.

3. the writing

seriously though, what else is Bucky Barnes doing right now in the MCU? his only remaining connection to anything going on right now is through Sam. there is literally nothing else established that's left for him to do that doesn't involve Sam. he moved to Louisiana to be closer to Sam (canonically), he hangs out with Sam's family (canonically), and Steve is presumably gone and is definitely not coming back for more adventures.

he has no villains or loose ends left. he has no other superheroes that he appears to be in contact with. he has no girlfriend or potential love interest, or even other friends or family. he is living in a tent that he has secretly set up in Sam's backyard and is mysteriously appearing from the bushes when it's time for dinner like a stray cat.

in my opinion there is no other meaningful and pre-established progression for Bucky's character that wouldn't just feel cheap.

plus, i don't think the general audience would be all that surprised if they kissed. i think a LOT of people picked up on all that tension. i think a lot of straight people picked up on all that tension too.

4. the chemistry between the actors & the chemistry between the characters

the original pitch for tfatws was essentially just this, it was the chemistry between Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie and their respective MCU characters of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson.

now obviously Anthony and Sebastian are simply friends, and i wouldn't mean to imply anything more. but they are also not their characters.

Sam and Bucky's scenes together before tfatws were both limited and short, and yet audiences still fell in love with the dynamic between the two characters.

in interviews, these two actors are constantly slipping into character and flirting with each other and frankly it's adorable. plus it's really entertaining. i'd love to see that dynamic, unfiltered, in a movie.

because believe it or not the flirting is actually even more open in their interviews than it was in tfatws. and i'm leaving some links as proof.

this here is known as the "married" compilation

and here's a "lucky dip" selection of interviews - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

and here's Anthony trying to get Seb to take his jacket off.

i'm just saying, why not let their chemistry shine? these two are so talented and so entertaining, especially when you put them in a room together. and can you imagine how absolutely hilarious and brilliant it would be to watch them navigate being a couple?

(and for those who bring up the "friends would be uncomfortable pretending to be dating" argument, i'm not here asking for a sex scene or anything. i don't think anyone would expect them to show any more intimacy (physical or emotional) while playing a couple than what they've already shown together in say... tfatws or in their own interviews. not that i actually expect anything regardless.)

5. if they were a man and a woman they would've gotten together in tfatws

i have no more to add here. just that... yeah, they would've.

6. and i'm not talking about the comics here, i'm talking about the MCU.

i understand fully that none of what i'm saying here falls in line with these characters from the comics. but the mcu itself doesn't fall much in line with the comics either, and these two characters especially are very different from their comics counterparts.

i'm not asking for these two to get together in the comics. tbh i don't think that it would work.

but the mcu Sam and Bucky are different and closer than their comics counterparts. they've got different histories, different backstories, and a very different dynamic. please rest assured that i am only talking about them in the mcu.

7. Bucky Barnes is believably bisexual. and Sam Wilson has never been proven to be straight in the mcu, nor has he had a love interest.

(now please continue to keep in mind that these points only stand for the mcu versions of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson, and not at all for their comics counterparts.)

Sam Wilson has never had a love interest, which is crazy because have you seen that man! he has had two blink and you'll miss it moments of verbal expression of attraction to women, both in TWS. and that's the extent of it, through his entire history in the mcu.

Bucky Barnes has had a number of surface-level female love interests, but none of them even came close to the level of connection and chemistry that Bucky shares with Sam.

and i'm sorry SarahBucky fans, but i just don't think there's very much to their relationship either. i love Sarah, i really do. but it's Sam who shares all the meaningful moments and history and chemistry with Bucky. and i don't see what making her into a love interest would do for Sarah's character either, what would that add to her story?

[Picture ID: Bucky at the cookout with Sam, Sarah, Cass and AJ. Bucky and Sam are looking at each other and smiling.]

and also there is the whole tiger pictures thing... again. which does strongly suggest that Bucky is bisexual whether this was intentional on behalf of the writers or not.

8. it's representation... AND it feels natural

marvel hasn't had a lot of queer representation that's been noticeably present in the MCU at the time of writing this.

there have been a lot of failures so far, from the bisexual erasure of Valkyrie in Thor Ragnarok to the wlw erasure in Black Panther.

there was queerbaiting almost identical to the bisexual Bucky baiting for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2. when asked if he had considered featuring a gay hero in gotg2, director James Gunn stated that "We might have already done that. I say, watch the movie." after the movie's release audiences were understandably confused about the lack of queer representation. To which the director followed up his comments with, "But we don't really know who's gay and who's not. It could be any of them."

there is also Loki, considered by most fans after the airing of his six episode series on Disney+ to be both a poor attempt at both genderfluid representation and bisexual representation. with both attempts being summed up fairly well by the term "blink-and-you'll-miss-it". (also it's just terribly written and Loki doesn't wear any interesting clothes! fanficcers are a Goddamn blessing in this hard time!)

and let us not forget that Andrew Garfield was apparently FIRED for pushing for a bisexual spiderman. a bisexual spiderman within an interracial mlm relationship no less.

so for all these failures, marvel, why not allow us queer fans this? two brilliant and heroic men in a loving interracial relationship. two heroes that we can look up to.

now, one of the biggest detractions from the argument for representation is the idea of "forced diversity". and some poorly written characters certainly do end up feeling forced into the narrative. take Iceman in the comics for example, with Jean Grey just straight up suddenly telling him he's gay. like, marvel, sweetie, that's not how this works! and i don't know a lot of queer people who thought much of that "representation".

but the crux of the "forced diversity" argument is almost always that it feels unnatural within the story, right? and i don't think that anyone could say that about MCU Sam and Bucky ending up together, given these characters' existing chemistry and their history. they've both played characters in gay relationships before so we know that it's not outside of either actor's wheelhouse. and y'all know that Anthony and Seb can act, people. if it's in the script i believe that they'll make it seem like the most natural thing on earth.

9. it'd be a nice change

there's been an ongoing meme lately about "Disney's first gay character", the joke being that they continually announce gay characters without really ever including gay characters in their films.

this is to the point where Disney has formed a reputation amongst queer audiences of being homophobic.

if Sam and Bucky were to become a couple, then Disney could have its first actual gay character within a gay relationship. AND have him be in the lead of his own movie, no less.

it's also worth keeping in mind that there's likely an overlap between the people who were outraged by a Sam Wilson Captain America, and the people who'd be outraged by a gay Captain America. and if they were already not seeing the film, then i don't think much is gonna change that.

queer audiences would definitely love it, and the media attention would be guaranteed to be huge. i mean, simply look at the amount of media attention mere rumours of a character's queerness gets you and multiply that by a canon confirmation of said rumours.

but i'm pretty sure that Disney already knows this.

10. and yet, in truth, it's not about the representation

in truth i've never felt that i had any trouble relating to characters of any sexual orientation, race, gender, sex, body type, etc. (although that is not to throw any shade at all on people who do wish to see themselves represented) but for me, i think it's more about the story than the packaging.

and yet, a love story is still just a story. straight or queer, monoethnic or interracial. when two characters have chemistry and history and have sacrificed for each other time and time again, and they also can't keep their hands or their eyes off each other, then i'm pretty sure that that's a love story.

straight or queer, monoethnic or interracial, it shouldn't be about these simple labels. it should be about how well written the relationship is. it should be about chemistry, and history, and sacrifice.

because i'm fucking sick of all the hollow, forced romances in media no matter the genders of the participants. i'm sick of lazily written, shallow relationships where any two people sharing the same space for any extended period of time will simply fall in love. it's boring, it's repetitive, and as a writer myself it drives me up the wall!

romance stories suck! and everyone knows that romance stories suck. between twilight, and most of the entire YA genre, and love triangles (so boring), and romance used as poorly-written throwaway subplots in Hollywood movies, the world is in agreement that the romance in western media is simply dreadful. and yet we still want love stories. it's an entire genre that sits at the heart of the human experience (<3), and yet one which so few of today's best known writers seem truly able to capture.

i don't think that i'm the only one who feels this way, either. i suspect it's actually a large part of why fandom is so romance-centred in the first place, that we're all just starving for a good love story.

(btw i think fandom has a reputation for being something that as a whole that it is not. it has this reputation for straight up demanding things and harassing people until they get their way. while unfortunately there are a few people who do this, they're fucking annoying and i swear that they're far from the majority.

in my experience fandom is mostly about writing a five thousand word story at three am while drunk off your ass because it might make someone whom you've never met smile, editing it in the cold light of day, and then posting it. expecting nothing. sometimes getting nothing. and sometimes getting someone send you kudos or a comment so heartbreakingly wonderful that it makes you smile in return.)

11. so once again, it is all about the writing.

i want to see Sam and Bucky get together in the mcu, not because they would be a gay couple but because i genuinely believe that their story has potential to be an amazing love story.

and i know the mcu isn't about the romance. it's why in my personal opinion we haven't gotten a lot of good canon romances besides Peter Quill and Gamora. and i don't think that the mcu should be all about the romance either. i fucking love the action and the fighting scenes. i love the comedy. Captain America: The Winter Soldier had no romance and it was a fucking treasure, it was an amazing spy-action-thriller and it made my little gay heart dance. Thor Ragnarok had no romance, and it was an utterly brilliant comedic spectacle action film. not every movie needs romance.

but mcu Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes were doing couple's therapy and fixing a boat and walking off into the sunset together in tfatws. they were inseparable on the battlefield. they've got a dynamic. it's beautiful, it's romantic, and it's gold.

a budding relationship between them in the next movie would be a good way to explore both characters more without the narrative feeling too stilted and separate. at the end of tfatws, both Sam and Bucky fans found that their respective fave felt somewhat underutilised and that their characters were underexplored.

now, that problem would be even more difficult to remedy in a movie, because the plotline of a movie needs to be really tight to work (giggity). and we know that the central conflict of the movie is gonna be action-based (which is good), but we still need each character's personal journey and growth to tie into the main conflict. (which is another issue that some fans found with tfatws, that these characters didn't really feel connected to the action-based plot on a more personal level.)

if Sam and Bucky are already in a relationship, however, this whole dynamic changes. first, their relationship has already been set up for nicely since TWS and through tfatws and they would officially be the best-fleshed-out couple in the mcu. but most importantly, a relationship gives them a perfect vehicle to explore both of their pasts comparatively and connect them personally to the action-based plot.

do you want to establish that Sam is a little too trusting and naïve? then establish this through his relationship with Bucky, and through showing his placing his trust in Bucky. (rather than through having him sympathise with a villain who threatened to murder his sister and his nephews).

perhaps you want to show Bucky recovering from his trauma? show us how comfortable he is with Sam. they get along, they're enjoying each other's presence, we see more of Sam's life and of his family, and then let Bucky tell Sam something that's raw and dark and honest about his life as The Winter Soldier. something about a memory, one that he only just recalled. he's opening up. and maybe what he tells Sam is even something that sets up the future action-based conflict, to ground that in something real.

you want to explore that Sam has trauma too? do this through Bucky. he tells Bucky a story about his time in the military. in the form of a flashback, he shares his own story of loss to evoke before the audience the shared theme of feeling at fault even when you're simply a helpless bystander to an act of pure destruction.

then, action sequence! and it's directly connected to Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier. explore the grief of someone whose life the Winter Soldier tore apart manifesting into a villain perpetuating the cycle of pain. establish your villain.

Later, Sam is dragged into battle against this villain for protecting Bucky. But Bucky doesn't want Sam to protect him. He feels guilt for what he can't control and he doesn't want Sam getting hurt because of him. Bucky reminds Sam that he has a family, one who needs him and who loves him. He tells him to go home.

Sam reminds Bucky that he's a part of that family. And that sure Sam's a hero and his job is to protect anyone and everyone, but that he's doing it because he wants to. It's not simply to prove that he can, or to prove that he's not a bystander (this connects to Sam's trauma here), but that he's doing it to help people.

and this gets Bucky thinking about who he is and what he's doing here. is he a hero who stands by Sam's side? or is he an ordinary man who stands aside? or perhaps, does he stand alone? what does he stand for? Maybe Sam knows. But does Bucky?

Sam and Bucky fight off the villain again, and for the first time Bucky meets this adversary face to face. And Bucky recognises this villain, and has a flashback to the genuine pain that he inflicted upon them in the form of the Winter Soldier. Bucky freezes mid-fight, he almost dies, and Sam has to save him.

Sam chews Bucky out for almost getting killed because he was afraid for him. but Bucky takes this the wrong way and goes off to fight the villain alone, or perhaps to die alone, he's not quite sure.

He puts up a half-hearted fight. He apologises for what the Winter Soldier has done, and he waits for the killing blow, when Sam swoops down and he saves him. He asks Sam why he saved him and Sam calls him a moron. And then, Sam asks him what sacrificing himself would solve. He tells him that you can't choose your past but you can choose your future (connecting to his own experience of loss and guilt and grief). And that no matter what Bucky Barnes still has a future, whether that's as the Winter Soldier or the White Wolf or just some dork with a day job. And that he has a future as a part of Sam's family too.

Sam fights the villain, and it's toe to toe. He delivers a few good blows, but receives a fair few himself. And then the villain tears off his wings, first one and then the other, in a manner reminiscent of what the Winter Soldier did to him in TWS. Through Bucky's eyes there's a flashback to highlight the parallels. Sam gets back on his feet and he fights his best fight, but is now losing.

And then the heavily injured Bucky steps up and fights by Sam's side, and only together do they take down the villain.

"So... I inspired you, huh?" Sam teases with a smile, utterly exhausted. "With my heroism and-"

"You inspired me." Bucky said, equally exhausted. "Let's leave it at that."

Together, Sam and Bucky go back to the safety and warmth of their family. Sam fixes his wings. Sam goes back to being Captain America. And Bucky... he's around, but it's unclear what he's doing.

That is, until the very end. When Sam is in a fight, and suddenly Bucky shows up and helps him out.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asks.

"I've made up my mind." Bucky says. "I'm the Winter Soldier. But now I'll save lives, Sam. Now, like you, I'll be a hero."

Sam smirks. "So does this make you my sidekick, then?"

Bucky smiles. "C'mon, at least make me a partner." He says.

"How about co-workers." Sam says (in flashback, he remembers back to the death of his last on-the-job partner).

"How about friends." Bucky says, with a wry look.

"Bucky... I don't want to see you put your dumbass self in danger." Sam says.

"Oh, and it's ok for you to go running off into danger on your own all the time?" Bucky asks.

"Yes." Sam says stubbornly. "Absolutely it is."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not a dumbass?!"

"Sam, if you think I'm not gonna be watching your back for the rest of time... then you're the biggest dumbass I know. And I don't care if you need me or not, I will be there for you."

"Because Sam, you're more than Captain America. You're more than a good soldier. You're a good man. And I think sometimes, the world forgets what the difference is."

...or something like that.

(i only spent like 15 minutes on that. you know if i were actually writing this movie i would come up with something much better. and if anyone from marvel is seeing this, yes i can come work for you. i will make the time, let's do this thing right!)

finale

at the end of the day, whether or not the mcu chooses to make Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes a couple, it's their decision. and they don't owe me anything.

i'm just some random person on the internet. who thinks that Captain America 4 should #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend

#givecaptainamericaaboyfriend #meta #analysis #captain america 4 #caatws #fatws #tfatws #captain america #cap 4 #sam wilson #bucky barnes #sambucky #marvel #mcu #mcu phase 4

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ajdrawshq · 2 years

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Riku for the character thing! (And Junpei? Maybe? I think that'd be interesting °•°)

!!!!!!!!!!! putting this under a cut bc i Cannot shut up abt these two in particular bless u

Riku

favorite thing about them: gayass (affectionate) the way that hes so devoted to his best friends that it can easily turn self destructive (or otherwise generally destructive) with one wrong turn is just So. Yes. also im stealing his gender

least favorite thing about them: i wouldnt say i Dislike this bc thematically it fucks but its funny that kh1 is basically just a chain of the worlds' worst decisions bc this poor dumbass doesnt know how to deal w his feelings for his besties. he went from playful teasing on the island to getting straight up possessed how the fuck do u do things this badly

brOTP: Riku n Terra, or any of the wayfinders tbh, and the novel trio (Riku Axel Naminé) OH AND REPLIKU OFC. let Riku be the big brother figure he always wanted to be and give him more friends im begging

favorite line: "at least the waves sound the same..." always hurts me,, he spent all that time trying to escape the islands, then avoided going back there to face everyone. and now when they have no way to get back, no way of knowing if theyll ever even leave this place, hes exhausted and in pain and just.. happy to have that one last reminder of home. ok i need tp go cry now ,

OTP: Sorikai!!! and any 2 of those 3 together, Soriku is obvious but Rikai is SO sweet i love them dearly. Rikuroku is also up there because its funny

nOTP: him with any adults??? and im not a fan of Namiku tbh

random headcanon: hes nearsighted n needs glasses but is too stubborn to get his eyes checked. it only got worse when he wore that blindfold for a whole year and his friends lovingly make fun of him for it (especially Repliku, who didnt inherit his shitty eyesight lmao). also hes demi

unpopular opinion: i do think theres something big/special going on with him but im not convinced its as.. deep? as a lot of people are theorizing but it IS kh so what do i know and i really dont think disney or squenix have the balls to make him canonly/explicitely gay

songs i associate with them: unsaid by flor, Leo by Eve, A Sadness Runs Through Him by The Hoosiers, and like. anything by Jaymes Young bc thats peak sad yearning music right there (ESPECIALLY MOONDUST. stripped version also. god.)

favorite picture of them: oh this one is easy. soft lil dude..

Junpei

favorite thing about them: he is literally just some guy. like the most just some guy character ever. he did NOT ask for any of this he just happened to be dragged into it for reasons he almost couldnt comprehend but were also completely unavoidable. he is ridiculously observant of his environment and other people. he absorbs information like a sponge, which is impressive considering hes a college student fighting for his life and id legit just shut down. he is rational, but tends to act based on emotion when it concerns someone else and at his core is a helpful n caring guy. his ability to joke in a life or death situation is also something between impressive, endearing and worrying. his ability to Very Easily manipulate people is even more worrying. if he werent generally a nice dude id be afraid of him. hes a walking bi disaster and i love that for him. i want to be his friend

least favorite thing about them: horny. also didnt he become an alcoholic or something in the next game is he ok

favorite line: lowkey tempted to list every quote from his wiki bc holy fuck this dude is funny but this one killed me

(although the "people liquid" bit that i do Not remember encountering is up there. and his bi awakening by the elevator)

brOTP: his interactions w like.. idk basically everyone in 999 is so so good but if i had to choose id go w him n Aoi, Snake, n Clover

OTP: i.. dont know what to put here other than Junepei?? i dont rly even ship him with people i just think he needs therapy right the fuck now. or that Carlos guy he flirts with in one of the other games (i think??)

nOTP: idek just the obvious stuff i guess??

random headcanon: that dude is Not neurotypical. i dont have any evidence or anything i just think hes neat and i relate too much to his whole "idk what im doing in life im just kinda here" thing. and the fact that he carries damn near every puzzle he encounters and the 999 puzzles make my brain go brrrrr. shooting him with my adhd beam

unpopular opinion: uhhh.. what counts as a popular opinion???? what is the general consensus on this guy. will say that im afraid to touch the other ze games bc of whatevers going on w him but thats the only thing i got here

song i associate with them: ive been thinking very hard abt this one for thr past few days and i actually cant find anything that clicks here which is. surprising. if u squint i guess some of the songs i put for Riku could fit tbh..

favorite picture of them: i wanted to put that one shot of him during the true end looking at the sudoku puzzle but then i found this concept art of him n .. it appeals to me

#thank u for reminding me how much i love my Riku playlist its so good honestly.. the vibe is lethal amounts of yearning #a sadness runs through him reminds me of kh1 onward.. unsaid is kh2.. and leo is post-kh3 #to an extent u really Can fit those with Junpei huh. hm #one day i plan on going back thru all of 999 and analyzing all of Junpei's thoughts n stuff more.. hes so Interesting idk what it is #thank u for letting me yell abt these two :3 #ask #mortellanarts #kh #999

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incorrectsnkships · 3 years

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OKAY OKAY OKAY! I CAME TO THIS CONCLUSION LAST FUCKING NIGHT! CONNIE THE MOTHERFUCKING SPRINGER IS GAY!

So at first I just thought he was a really confident and comfortable heterosexual, y'know? BUT NOW! NOW!? oh no, no, no!

Reason numbrero uno! He has feminine hips. Straight boys don't strut like that, straight boys don't fucking be flexible like that.

Reason numbrero duex! He says bitch waaay to much. So if you don't know the history of the word bitch, bitch was also used a a gay slur for y'know twinks. You don't see Jean or Levi OR EVEN EREN going around going bitch, bitch, bitch, fucking crazy bitches. Sure maybe once in awhile, but Connie use it like a sister y'know?

Reason numbrero drei! Look at who the fucking hell he's hanging 'round with! Ymir; the fucking bitch lesbian. Christa/Historia; the lesbian or bi girl dude. He's the fucking second lesbian protector (next to Eren). You see that gay ass gay homie grab in like what season 3? Or was it 2? He's friends with Sasha, who does she hang out with most of the time!? Ymir and Historia! Sometimes Jean and Mikasa. Speaking of Jean, he ain't sleek either! Connie hanging 'round with a fucking bi-saster a bi disaster! Not to mention Reiner and Armin! We see him worry about Reiner and Bertholdt when they “missing” asking someone to check on them to see if there alive! Man looking out for his gay homies! Also in one of the games he asks Armin why he spends so much time with Eren, to which Armin shoots back with one of the most gay awakening responses, “Hm well what about Ymir and Historia, or Reiner and Bertholdt?” Like yo.

Reason numbrero shi! He mom picks out gay ass fucking names! Sunny, Martin, Connie. Fucking gay dude. (everyone seems to think Sunny is a girl but judging by there titans I actually think Sunny was a boy dude. That’s just a hunch tho~)

Reason numbrero five! He seems like the kinda guy who would wear jewelry. Not really necessarily gay BUt~ I think earrings would so be he thing, and if he we’re to come out he’d probably start wearing one earring!

Reason numbrero six! Look at the kind of shit this man does! He fucking carried Armin princess style, put him down like a prince, bruh he fucking CHOSE to he CHOSE to. He knew what he was doing. And that one official art where he’s wearing that blonde lopsided wig with makeup on. That dress with the fake boobs in it!

Reason numbrero 7! My mama always say, that if a boy is best friends with a girl he will almost always usually fall for her. Connie is close as HELL with Sasha. And while I LOVE springles. This know discovery is D A W N I N G on me! Connie don’t really seem to show that much interest in women. But not necessarily to men either. And that factor being. I think bby Connie is shy!

Overall I think he’s a great fucking character! I love Connie, but this just made me open a whole new chapter for him. I’m currently rewatching AOT with my mom ‘cause she done wanted to watch it and I couldn’t let her watch that cringey dub so yee. I’ll be paying attention for other Easter eggs and clues. I never researched Connie to much but now that I have I’m made some pretty interesting discoveries! In conclusion Connie Springer is probably fucking gay. SO in other words you were RIGHT! ATTACK ON TITAN IS FUCKING GAY! 😍

( j u s t l i k e m e l o l )

srry for the late reply, but you’ve actually convinced me

mans comes across heterosexual but he definitely had a crush on every single male member of the 104th. literally every one. and like many others, one of the older scouts was his gay awakening. and im not saying that connie had a crush on them or anything, and this is definitely not a ship post between connie and any adult in the show, but im just saying that he admired them. a lot. too much. and had to look away when they got changed in front of him.

“connie why do you offer to go kill titans with captain levi whenever we have a mission?”

“i admire his skills!”

“connie, you do realise that erwin doesn’t have time to have tea with you right?”

“no i know i just wanted to talk about stuff with him. professional stuff. as a soldier.”

“connie, you know that moblit doesn’t need an assistant right? he is the assistant”

“WELL SUE ME FOR WANTING TO BE HELPFUL JEAN-“

he’d simp for armin so hard. every week he has a crush on someone new, and then it goes in a loop. and he’d “practice” kissing too. like he’d occasionally bring the topic up in conversation and then go from there based off of the persons reply. “hey uh, jean, so like- have you had your first kiss yet?” and then jean would tell him no and connie would go full internal gay panic. “o- oh yeah, thas- thas cool, um, well, i havent- had mine either so like- would you wanna practice? it doesn’t count-“

connie would have his first everything with jean and it would be so funny because it just happens all at once. like hed get asked if hes ever kissed someone and hed just glare at jean and be so flustered

connie finds it so difficult to tell romantic and platonic feelings apart and thats why hes fallen for all of his friends

armin: oh, connie, thanks for doing that favour for me! i dont know what id do without you!

eren: wait! hurry, where do they keep the extra blades?!

connie: in the cellar!

eren: great- connie, i love you!

marco: see connie? if you just fold the paper a little more, youll get there :) youre a pleasure to teach and i love spending time with you :)

also why do i feel like connie and marco dated for a little while? not even dated then, had a thing going on for a bit. like besides from jean because he doesnt count, but connies first romantic encounter was with marco, fight me

and i definitely feel like connie went to hange for some advice about his sexuality. he was so confused and liking everyone at the same time, so who else better to go to than the person who tried to convince erwin to start an lgbtq+ youth club right?

but when eren and armin announced that they were officially dating, that was an eye opener for connie and it made him realise that its okay to be yourself

and it took him a while to actually realise that he was gay. hence the fact that hed physically gag whenever someone suggested for him to date sasha, and all those times in the boys changing room that hed have to turn around or leave completely

so yes, i can see where youre coming from, and i agree with you. but if we were to list the people connie has simped for from most-least?

marco

armin

jean

eren

levi (not really simping, more fanboying/celebrity crush)

reiner

moblit (same as levi)

bertholdt

#incorrectsnkships #aot #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #connie springer #connie springer x jean kirstein #jean x connie #armin arlert #eren yeager #marco bott #levi ackerman #moblit berner #connie is a gay man #my friend says so

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cowboyjen68 · 3 years

Note

Hey jen first off congrats on your new tshirt lol but also, do you know of any lesbians that truly didn’t realize they were gay or different until they were much older? i didnt realize I might be gay until I was 19 and even then, there was SEVERE self doubt cus I was well aware how my abusive father had and continues to completely warp and destroy how I view, trusted (i didnt and still dont) and interacted (i didnt and still dont) with cishetero men. Like I’m scared my sexuality is just a massive trauma response. Growing up I had a lot of what i thought were crushes on guys but a lot of times the ‘crushes’ were just me wanting to get their attention and be their friend. I did have a few “romantic” ones but again those men were completely unattainable and theres was no chance we’d ever date or that they’d ever pay me any attention and i...................took comfort in that. it wasnt until I was 19 that i had my first crush (or first that i was aware of) on a girl, but she was straight. and It wasnt until I got my first crush on another lesbian, at age 22 (im 26 now) that it truly smacked me in the face - I was literally losing sleep over this girl, I could barely hold a conversation without blushing and stuttering, hearing her voice or seeing her walk by made my stomach perform a simone biles floor routine, but when she smiled at or complimented me id be smiling goofily for the rest of the day. Then i found out she had a gf and my heart dropped to my ass and while I hate to admit it, i felt the petty jealousy and envy bubbling up to the surface (but i absolutely never acted on it cus i knew the feelings were irrational and silly). Like I felt like I was back in middle school and like.......a guy has NEVER brought that intensity of emotions out of me. The first time I slept with a woman I loved it, and continue to love it and i know this paragraph is painting a massive picture of “yes you fucking idiot you are gay” but when i talk to or hear stories from other lesbians, I can never relate or align to that feeling of “knowing I was different since I was young”, I had 0 clue up until my 20s. that paired with my upbringing, plus smaller traumas here and there also centered around men..........like im truly scared that the day i fully heal is the day I’m gonna realize my sexuality is a lie. and its a big reason (besides mental and emotional instability) i avoid relationships even though i want one cus i dont wanna put another girl through hell just cus i cant figure MY shit out you know? Like this sounds so childish but I wish there was like an entrance exam or something that you can take and itll give you some type of definitive answer like: “yes youre gay”, “nope straight”, “maybe? need more info/experience” or “pls for the love of god go to therapy”

Ok.. first. yeah.. therapy can be great.. even for healthy, well adjusted people.

BUT:

Once of the reasons I didn't know "what" i was is because I had no exposure to role models that looked like me. No one to show me what life might look like besides what I saw with my mom and dad, the neighbors mom and dad, my uncles and aunts.. the man woman kids model. I had no words or word for my experience and not really any idea there was any option.

I knew was different especially once puberty hit, there was just no way for me to know how I was different or to know I wouldn't outgrow the "phase".

I always say, it is not necessary for any of us to have intimacy or sex with someone in order to have that "awakening" of our sexuality and I believe that. However, sometimes that little touch, kiss, tingly feeling can push us more towards our admitting it to ourselves sooner rather than later.

We all have different reasons to be unsure. In a neutral world it wouldn't matter, we would be attracted to whomever we are attracted to and that would be that. BUT the world is not neutral and figuring out out sexual orientation is important because it helps us fine our "safe" community in an often hostile world. Sadly that means we have to sort out our feelings, our experiences, social media and media and lots of lies and inconsistencies to separate that from for our innate sexual attraction. It is not always clear what is attraction, true passion and what is imposed upon us from outside pressure.

The good news is there is no time line and no shame in being wrong. Our innate sexuality does not change but our understanding of it does as we gain experience and get to know ourselves. Follow your heart. Do not date for others, date for yourself. You don’t need to know for sure to enjoy figuring it out.

I can also tell you that I know lesbians my age who married men, had kids and had okay lives. It never occurred to them they were lesbians... then small things crept in. They realized what they thought was love was friendship. What they thought was passion was going through the motions. Then, one day, they met other lesbians, saw other lesbians and realized they had mistaken “finding a nice man” for love. and attraction.

Don’t worry about the opinions of others. They don’t have any right to judge you or your past or your dating life. You are allowed to be wrong and to reevaluate yourself. I have a feeling that once you allow yourself to trust yourself you will figure things out much faster.

When you are ready to date you will not be too much for the right woman. Somehow all those things you think will be too hard for another will not be for someone with whom you click. It is also okay to not be ready to date. To take time for yourself.

#lesbian #dating #sexualtiy

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