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angelofthenight · 2 years

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Last Man Alive Pt.21

(Dano!Riddler x Reader)

(Link to list of chapters)

Warnings: Edward is a yandere, Dark themes, Ed is creepy and delusional, YN is scared shitless of Ed, Ed brings up emotional stuff for YN, References to stalking

Word Count: 2.5k

(Y/n) was filled with aversion and apprehension as she stood in front of the rising gate that would soon reveal the one she loathed the most. She got the courage to face him by herself with the comfort of him being restrained, so she let Batman wait out in the hall as she talked with him.

The seconds went by too fast before she was looking through the window to the unmasked Riddler with wet hair, cracked glasses, a white and orange striped uniform, and a handcuff device that prevented him from moving his hands too far down or up.

Upon her first meeting with his masked face, he terrified her to her very core. She knew from the start that there was something wrong with him; something sickeningly distorted within his fogged mind of fixation. Especially now since she knew she’s only interacted with him very, very few times. That’s the thing she thought was the craziest.

Her unrest, though, shifted to angered disgust as she glared at his mesmerized face. He looked at her with a sense of flusteredness in his face, bedroom eyes behind cracked lenses. His breathing was slow, almost sensual, through his small smile. “I knew you’d come.” He breathed out, like she proved her love to him in a way.

She kept her glare low, not even daring to shiver from the cold air of the asylum. “What do you want from me now?” She asked gruffly.

“‘Want’?” Ed tilted his head. “Darling, there’s only one thing I want in life. To go where you go.” He spoke in hot breaths, looking up at her with foggy, doe eyes. His eyes traveled up and down her form, taking her all in with his unmasked face. She could finally see how much his face color physically changed when she was around.

His brows curved upward, amazement laced in his soft features. “If only you knew how long I’ve been waiting for this day. All my life, I was in the background, a nobody, a zero. And then, I found you. And suddenly, everything changed. And I wasn’t alone anymore. You gave me purpose. You were my purpose. It was as if.. a switch was flipped and I could see in color. You brightened my dark world. I knew my future would be nothing but happiness with you; my soulmate.” An amused scoff erupted from his throat. “I almost feel undeserving of such a beautiful creature as my soulmate. I guess the laugh’s on the kids in the orphanage who said I’d die alone.”

His small smile lowered into a frown, his brows lowering as well. “Bruce… Wayne. Bruce… Wayne.” He said slowly, tauntingly. (Y/n) stared at him in confused fear, feeling the sweat creep up on her neck. He looked at her sadly. “I’m sorry he’s the only one I didn’t get. He was too much of a shut-in, I never could have gotten him out of there, and he was much bigger than me to take on. I’m not physically capable, my strength is up here.” He motioned to his head, as high as the chain would let his hands reach.

“So that’s why I had to resort to exposing his past and publicly humiliating him. Make you so disgusted with him that you’d leave him all on your own. He’s the one that deserves you least of all. He doesn’t understand you, he doesn’t get you like I do, he doesn’t know pain like we do.” His hands lifted up again, motioning between both of them during his last sentence.

He slowly said one last time, “Bruce… Wayne.” He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, like he was getting something off his chest.

He swallowed before continuing to monologue. “You know, I was there that day. The day the great Thomas Wayne announced he was running for mayor, made all those promises. Well, a week later he was dead, and everybody just forgot about us. All they could talk about was poor Bruce Wayne. Bruce Wayne, the orphan. Orphan. Living in some tower over the park isn’t being an orphan. Looking down on everyone, with all that money. Don’t you tell me. Do you know what being an orphan is, darling? It’s 30 kids to a room. Twelve years old and already a drophead, numbing the pain. You wake up screaming with rats chewing your fingers. And every winter one of the babies die because it’s so cold. But, oh, no.”

He adjusted himself in his seat, smacking his lips in annoyance. “Let’s talk about the billionaire with the lying, dead daddy because at least the money makes it go down easy. Doesn’t it?” He said lowly, a growl threatening to escape through his teeth. He noticed the unsettled disquietude in (Y/n)’s face so he calmed himself down through another deep breath. His smile returned to his face. “But, it’s alright, I got the rest of ’em. All those slick, sleazy, phony pricks who blinded you and suffocated you-”

(Y/n) felt her patience snap as she took a step closer to the glass, screaming “Shut up!” Ed looked only amused, a laugh escaping the confines of his mouth. “Oh come on, they can’t mean that much to you still.” He mused. “All they’ve done is deceive and lie to you-” “The only one who lied was (E/n) so shut the hell up!” She snapped again, slapping her palms against the glass as her face morphed into fury with her features sharpening and a scowl displaying the animalistic anger.

Ed only looked at her in awe, his lips parting and his eyes gazing with passionate admiration. “Wow. Look at you. The real you.”

(Y/n)’s raged expression was caught off guard, lowering into hesitation. She wasn’t expecting that, she was more expecting him to snap back with defense for his actions. But instead he looked at her with adoring love, not a single pinch of anger or hate for her existing within him.

“Your flaws are flawless, your imperfections are perfect, your sins are beautiful.” He breathed out softly and earnestly. “That’s what no one accepts about you. That you’ve got a monstrous, violent rage within you. You tried to hide it, to change who you were, going to anger management and taking medication. Nobody accepted that that was just who you were.”

(Y/n)’s face shifted into a mask of offense, covering up how sad his statement made her. The short temper she got from her dad was a big problem in her life, refusing to give up in arguments, sometimes impulsively snapping, getting a little scary when she was mad. She lost friends because of it and adding heat to the fire when she had fights with her parents, even her moms side of the family didn’t accept her that much because of how similar she was to her dad. She pursed her lips together to prevent it from quivering, her chest feeling tight.

How come the one who understood her the most was the one she hated the most? Life wasn’t fair.

“But I accept it, I accept all of you.” Ed tilted his head again as he looked up at her, slightly nodding his head side to side as he looked at her with so much tender fondness. “I wouldn’t change or rearrange a single thing about you, you’re perfect.”

She wanted to cry right then and there. She hated that that was all she ever wanted to hear from someone. Approval and acceptance. And this man who wore his heart on his sleeve was infinitely spilling out praise and reassurance that she didn’t need to change. He was giving her everything she ever wanted, attention and acceptance, and told her everything she ever wanted to hear.

And then he ruined the moment.

“You know, I loved listening to you talk to yourself.” He began to giggle madly, like he was remembering some things she said to herself. “You are seriously like the funniest person I know, especially when you do your funny little impressions. My personal favorite is your Cat in the Hat. And the sound of your laughter, oh~” He sighed with a wide smile, too far gone in the abyss of infatuation. “We’re perfect for each other.” He rasped. His voice is cheery and upbeat as he panted breathlessly.

She remembered again everything he did to her, everything he put her through, all of the trauma and pain she could never undo. He went about love in the worst way possible. “We’re not.” She deadpanned, gritting her teeth.

“We are.” Ed argued in glee, her face completely delusional with blind passion. “We even each other perfectly, we’re the others’ other half; soulmates.”

“We’re not soulmates.”

“You’re my reason to live.”

“I don’t even know you.”

He stood up from his seat, scaring (Y/n) and making her take a step back as she didn’t want to be any closer to him than she had to, going from looking down at him to looking up due to his height. He pressed his hands against the glass, his face only centimeters away from it as he looked straight at her. The light only brightened up half his face as he tilted his head with loony eyes and a mad smile, his words sounding breathy and almost excited.

“My body and my soul belong to you, my one wish is to go where you go. I’ll follow you to the depths of Hell if I have to. Not a moment in my life will be spent without serving you; worshiping you.” Each sentence that left his lips was muddled with riddled devotion; a promise she prayed that he wouldn't keep.

She looked at him in discomposed disbelief. This man, no, this-this monster, was anything other than humane. He held not an ounce of sanity. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” She breathed out, her eyebrows curving upward.

Ed blinked, a smile twitching the corners of his lips up, thinking he heard wrong. “W-What?” His voice cracked in sadness, his eyebrows curving up. He thought that by now, since she had slim to no one left, she’d open her eyes and accept fate with him. She couldn’t still be confused right?

“What you think we have, it’s all in your head.” She said with a stone cold glare.

“How can you say that?” His lips trembled.

(Y/n)’s brows cinched together, her upper lip twitching up in a cringe. “For a genius, you are so stupid.” She scoffed, shaking her head in angered disbelief, still baffled how he became like this by just two brief and dry interactions. “That’s the thing with men, especially men like you. You think every attractive girl that is nice to you is flirting with you.”

Ed felt a crack creep across his heart. What was she saying? That wasn’t how it went.

“Did you seriously think I was your soulmate just because I was nice to you? You’re pathetic.” Ed was shaking his head by now, in his own disbelief as she continued to say the opposite of what he expected her to say. “I was only nice to you because you were a human needing help and I was in a good mood.”

Ed aggressively shook his head, his world shattering around him by her reality crushing words. His eyes became heartbroken. He rambled a string of ‘no’s before she struck a painful chord. “As soon as I left that coffee shop, I forgot about your existence. I felt nothing for you.”

He pushed himself off the glass, painful shock and denial shaking his insides as his heart pounded in agony. “No! No, no!” With each word, his breathing was becoming more prominent to you. It’s heavy; panicked.

“You’re nothing but a nobody to me!” (Y/n) yelled over his manic screaming.

Ed was pacing the floor, screaming as his eyes filled with desperate tears. “NO! Ahhh! This is not how this was supposed to go! Ahhh! I had it all planned out!” He loudly whined and thrashed his arms around like a child. “We were gonna be safe here! We would watch the whole thing together! We were gonna cuddle! You were gonna accept our true love and kiss me and thank me for freeing you!”

(Y/n) internally flinched from his earlier reference, fearful foreboding whipping around in her. “Watch what?” She asked. “Everything!” Ed wailed, motioning toward the window with grieving desperation.

The air went tense, so thick you could see it freeze in its tracks. A long silent stare was passed between the disquieted girl and sniffling killer.

“It was all there.” He croaked, baffled disbelief crawling up his back. “You mean, you didn’t figure it out?” Ed gasped slowly, walking towards the glass with shock. “Oh, the Bat is really not as smart as I thought he was. I guess I gave him too much credit.”

“What have you done?” (Y/n) asked, her throat feeling bone dry in anticipating terror.

His face got very close to the glass as his once heartbroken face lifted in teasing amusement, he hadn’t lost yet. “What can make people happy, can make people cry, and can drive people crazy?” He whispered down at her, making her want to pee herself from how anxiously terrified she was.

He inched his head closer, the tip of his nose touching the glass as he whispered out, “Love.”

He backed up a little bit, looking at her with a more stoic but pleased look, his eyes nothing but lustful. “And once it’s over, you’ll be all mine. Because you’ll have no choice.”

“What did you do?” (Y/n) asked lowly, stepping back up to the glass, not caring about her mental alarms that told her to stay as far away from him as possible. Ed breathly snickered, looking at her with amusement as he began singing in falsetto. “Ave Maria~”

She couldn’t hold back her fists from slamming on the glass. “What did you do?” She loudly growled but he continued to sing. “Gratia plena~” His singing felt mocking to her, pushing her anger to her limits as she started pounding her fists with all her strength against the glass, wanting it to break more than anything.

“What did you do!?” She maniacally screamed on the glass, her beastly rage making her pound and claw at the glass like a rabid animal. It didn’t affect Ed at all whatsoever. “I swear you better pray I never get the chance to get my hands on you! I’ll fucking kill you, I swear it! I fucking swear it, you cunt!”

Her threats fell on deaf ears. “Maria Gratia plena~”

Her teeth grinded together in huffing growls, realizing he wanted her to figure it out on her own and she was just wasting her own time. She shoved herself off the glass and darted out of the room, the falsetto singing sounding further away once she ran into the hall where Batman waited for her. In a race against an unpredictable clock, she didn’t stop nor slow down her running when she passed him to yell, “We missed something huge!” Batman didn’t ask any questions so he instantly began running with her.

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39oa · 5 months

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roboquinn!!!

thank you and tc for asking <3 but also girl this is literally just YOUR commentator au that i wrote down notes/snippets for and then gave up on as we kept talking because i was delusionally hoping you'd do it for us LMFAO. it's a very bare doc with only lapslock excerpts but i'm still attached to the concept and have many thoughts about how their dynamic would work... also funny because we came up with this like 8 months before quinn even got the c but in all our notes we were just like yeah obviously he'd retire as captain lol

anyway the thing with 4321 is that i would personally read a lot of different au permutations for them, especially anything involving umich/Midwestern College Hockey dynamics because there's a lot of au potential there. commentator au specifically was = what if robo never made it to the nhl? + what if quinn retired prematurely because of injury and both of them went into broadcasting?, and i think we'd decided on robo doing play-by-play because he has more natural personality and quinn taking on the ex-player analyst role alongside him. however what's most crucial to ME about non-player!robo is that i think of him as someone who is very secure in himself and almost neurotically dedicated to always doing the right thing/making the correct life decisions, so the only reason he doesn't make it professionally is that his family moves to michigan a lot later and he and his brothers miss out on crucial junior development opportunities, so he realizes that hockey is a pipe dream and decides to treat it as a hobby and gets a journalism degree or something. this also makes the nick sibling dynamic more interesting because in my head nick would still try to become a hockey player since he's way more stubborn and impulsive, but he'd max out as an echl/ahl lifer and it becomes less of like "look at how much my athlete brother has succeeded!!" but in a way still robo being more successful because he got a good degree and stayed realistic about his future and makes good money now.

i think 4321 is basically interesting because everything in the world for them boils down to Siblings and they're the oldest of their respective nhl sibling groups but still have very different upbringings. i love the idea of having history long before they meet as a broadcasting duo because robo also went to umich and watched some of his games, but quinn obviously not remembering him... i also think in this universe quinn retires early but not like egregiously so and therefore still has a historic career with the canucks, but then he still struggles to grapple with that because maybe at this age the devils are like a total wagon and he has to cover playoff games for jack and luke for example. AND IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER HE NEVER WINS A CUP!!! plus i think of quinn spending his entire career in vancouver and depending on petey way more than he'd thought he did and now being like unmoored from his second home while robo is very used to traveling and is extremely independent and self-sufficient, and then it's like You think you're the most adjusted member of your family because you're the oldest brother and spent decades living alone on a whole different coast but the reality is actually that you were still deeply accustomed to the insular niche of an nhl team bubble and are being forced to navigate what it means to be an adult for the very first time when everyone you ever cared about is still stuck in that environment. and you're in your 30s!

also the reason quinn gets hired is because robo used to broadcast with pavs (who eventually leaves the role because he's old and wants to spend time with his family), so by now he's totally used to working with hotshot american ex-players and is very blasé around Rich NHL Dudes, and again like with nick is basically the more adjusted one who kind of sees how like quinn is basically functionally alone and doesn't have any systems around him that aren't 100% about hockey and thus latches on to him a little bit. so the dynamic is like >we are coworkers but also do you even know how to book a hotel by yourself? and quinn thinking robo is a nerd at first but eventually deferring to his 100% faith in himself and ease with which he navigates social situations.

also robo would have longterm gf because it's the Right Thing To Do and he's never thought that there was another way to live... like he's adjusted to the point of being so mindlessly socially integrated that he never even considers the fact that maybe he isn't even into women, he just does it because it's what he's meant to do, whereas quinn has way more inner turmoil and could never really hold a relationship down and has a million crises about it and then stuff happens and they get together in a random hotel room in finland during world juniors blah blah more bad decisions and realizations the end. please write them for me 😭

#a #crazy but free etc.

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mama-qwerty · 11 months

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When Eclipse Met Callie pt 4

For @stillafanofsonic

Happy birthday!

Part 1, part 2, part 3

~~~~~

An hour later, and the gremlin hunt was on. Sonic sped through the forest, checking all the caves and likely hiding spots for any wayward alien lizard thing, while Tails performed air support as he scanned with his Miles Electric. He couldn’t get any real readings on the new boy, but he helped keep tabs on his older brother to help him search in a more organized pattern than Sonic’s usual ‘run willy nilly until you stumble across something’ method.

Silver hovered with Tails, and went to check things out that the fox found interesting. He would take the Miles Electric with him to scan the area, and return it to the kit once finished. Tails had wanted to get a full scan of the forest around Green Hills anyway, and this was the perfect excuse to help accomplish that.

Knuckles stayed with Callie and Maddie. The vet had come along with her medical kit to hopefully administer some long-overdue care for the boy’s arm once he was found. And Knuckles . . . well, when he discovered the new alien had bit Callie, he didn’t exactly take it well.

“He injured you?!?” the echidna had cried, his lip curled into a snarl and a soft growl in his throat. “When I find him, I shall deliver a swift punishment!”

“He was hurt and I think kind of delusional,” the redhead had told him, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. “I don’t believe it was done out of aggression.”

“No matter,” the boy snarled, his fists curled tightly. “He will regret harming you. I will see to it, personally.”

Callie sighed and took a step back, shooting a look to Maddie. Little help?

The vet stepped forward. “Honey, why don’t you stay with us while we search? As protection? If this little guy behaves aggressively, you can help contain him. Sound good?”

Knuckles cocked an eyebrow, giving his mother a contemplative look. Finally he dipped his head in a short nod, seemingly satisfied with that arrangement.

“I will protect you both,” he said, bringing a fist to his chest. “On my life, no harm will come to you.”

Maddie offered him a little smile, stroking his muzzle with her knuckle. “Pretty sure it won’t come to that, but I appreciate the thought, baby.”

And then they’d set off. The boys took the lead as the moms and Knuckles followed behind. Callie carried a few blankets, while Maddie brought her medical kit, and the echidna walked a little way ahead of them. They walked in silence for a while, before Maddie spoke, her voice soft.

“How’s the arm?”

Callie shrugged, giving the bandaged limb look. “Assuming he doesn’t have some space disease that turns me into a weird lizard zombie, I’ll live.”

Maddie nodded, a thoughtful look on her face. “I’m actually surprised you’re so eager to find him, considering how you felt about the whole thing last night.”

The redhead didn’t respond for a long moment, her brow furrowed slightly. She supposed Maddie had a point. The boy hadn’t been all that keen on seeking out help, and that bite didn’t exactly put him on Callie’s good side. For all intents and purposes, she was well within her rights to wash her hands of the whole affair and let the kid take his chances out here on his own.

He was at least semi-feral, and dangerous, and ill-tempered.

But he was also a kid, badly injured and seemingly all alone on this planet.

“Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment,” she muttered, letting out a soft sigh. “And too kind-hearted for my own good.”

Maddie uttered a soft laugh. “You’re a mother. Sounds about right.”

“Thing is, I don’t even know what we’re gonna do with this kid once we find him,” Callie said, a hint of frustration in her voice. “Get him hopefully patched up, sure. But then what? Send him back out to fend for himself?”

The vet shrugged. “Silver seems to care about him.”

“Silver cares about everyone. He once woke me up because he was worried the raccoons that kept getting into the trash would be too cold when the weather changed.”

“Didn’t you say he fed this boy your leftovers?”

“Yeah, which was fine, we usually don’t get to all of them and if they’ll fill his belly, all the better,” Callie said with a shrug. “But feeding the kid and making sure his arm’s not gonna fall off from infection is much different than being ready to welcome him into the family with open arms.” She held up her bandaged arm. “This was a bite out of reflex. What could he do if he’s well and has his strength back?”

Maddie shrugged. “That’s a fair question. It’s possible he would be a danger to you and Silver. It’s possible he’s not as, shall we say, domesticated as the other boys are. And it’s possible we’ll have to figure out a safe place for him to stay in that case.” She cast the librarian a bit of a side-eye, a small smile on her lips. “But it’s also possible he’s just a lost, scared little boy who needs someone to show him some kindness.”

Callie returned her side-eye, her brow furrowed. “And I suppose you have someone in mind to do that, do you?”

The black woman gave another shrug. “I’m just saying, Silver already seems kind of attached to him, and you’re great with kids already, so . . .”

“I’m getting a sense of deja vu here,” the redhead said with a sigh. “This sounds a lot like what Wade was saying when Silver showed up. He was pretty adamant that I would take Silver in simply because he crash landed in my yard.”

“And now you can’t imagine your life without him,” Maddie said, a soft smile on her lips. “Look, I’m not saying you have to take him in. All I’m saying is you should try to give him a chance. Right now he’s injured and hungry and not at his best. Maybe once he’s healed up he’ll have a better temperament.”

Callie didn’t respond, but uttered a defeated sigh. Arguing about this wasn’t productive. There were a lot of ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ at play, and the bottom line is they weren’t likely to know how things could play out until they found this kid and got him fixed up.

And honestly, there was a better than zero chance that Callie would take him in. Maddie and Tom already had their hands full with three alien boys, and the vet was right, Silver had taken a liking to this new boy. Assuming the kid’s temperament did improve once he was well, she supposed she was the best person to look after him.

She looked at her bandaged arm again, a slight furrow in her brow.

But that was a big assumption. Was she getting herself involved in something she couldn’t handle?

The redhead uttered another sigh as they continued walking through the forest, following the blue streak that was Sonic the Hedgehog.

~X~X~X~

Sonic sped through the trees, the cool air crisp and sharp in his nose. He ran at about half-speed, flicking his eyes back and forth to search the caves and burrows he knew from his time alone in this very forest. One benefit from calling these trees home for so long was you came to know the best hiding spots to avoid detection.

He wasn’t exactly sure what they were looking for—Callie’s description of this new boy as a ‘lizard gremlin kinda thing’ didn’t exactly paint a clear picture—but he figured he’d know when he saw it.

As Sonic ran out of forest, he skidded to a stop and tapped the little radio clipped to his ear.

“Tails? I got nothing. Any luck up there?”

A faint crackle and then the kit’s voice was in his ear, the beat of his tails a constant thrum behind it.

“I’m not picking up any readings at all,” the fox said, and Sonic detected a hint of annoyance in his voice. “There’s no indication that he’s from the same planet we are, but I should be picking up something.”

Silence descended upon the boys then, and Silver spoke next, his voice soft and shaky.

“Does that mean he’s . . .”

“It means we haven’t found him yet,” Sonic said, his voice firm. He may not have known this new boy, but he really didn’t want the mental picture of an alien child lying dead somewhere in the forest. Not when they could find him and help him. “I’m gonna do a double check on my way back. You guys meet back up with the moms and we’ll figure out our next move.”

“Gotcha. See you soon.”

Above him, the hum of Tails’ whirling tails faded as he and Silver went to find their mothers, and Sonic reversed direction to head back. He went a little slower this time, carefully checking the spots most likely to hide a hurt, possibly scared alien.

He checked a small cave, really nothing much more than a hollow between boulders. Finding nothing, he was about to turn and move on when a very slight movement caught his eye. A small, blink-and-you-missed-it puff of breath appeared next to a rock covered with frost. Sonic moved closer, brows furrowed in confusion when he finally realized what he was looking at.

The rock wasn’t a rock at all. It was a small lizard-like boy, curled in a loose ball.

The hedgehog uttered a shocked gasp and zipped next to him.

“Hey,” he said, his voice soft. “Hey, you still with us?”

A soft moan left the boy’s lips, and he tried to curl tighter. Simply by watching him Sonic knew he wasn’t doing well. His hurt arm lay limp on the floor, and the little puffs of breath that appeared before his muzzle were small and shallow.

“Holy crap.”

Fear tried to clutch at Sonic’s chest, but he pushed it away. He was a hero, he helped people, that’s what heroes do. He couldn’t let his fear waste time. This kid needed help NOW.

“Okay,” the hedgehog breathed, backing toward the entrance. “Hang tight, buddy. I’m gonna get you help. We’ll get you taken care of, just hang in there.”

In a gust of wind and a streak of blue, Sonic zipped back to his mother.

~X~X~X~

Silver’s heart raced as he and Tails rejoined their moms, worry eating at his mind. The boy hadn’t looked good last night. If they didn’t find him soon . . .

“Any luck?” Callie asked, and Silver landed, moving to tuck his face into her hip. She put a hand against the back of his head, petting him in gentle strokes.

“We didn’t find anything,” Tails said, fiddling with his Miles Electric. “I can’t really scan through the rocks around here, but I can’t detect any strange energy readings or life signs.”

Maddie shook her head, looking at the librarian. “I don’t get it. If he was as bad off as you said, he wouldn’t have really had the energy to get very far in the first place. Where could he have gone?”

“He kinda disappeared after he bit Mom,” Silver said, turning his face to look at Maddie. “Just kinda . . . blinked away in a flash of light. He looked so bad.”

Callie’s hand paused in her pets on his quills, and she looked down at him, an unreadable look on her face.

“He teleported?” she asked, her voice strained. “You didn’t tell me that.”

Silver shrugged, shrinking a little at her gaze. “I didn’t think about it ‘til now.” His forehead quills began to bristle slightly. “A-are you mad at me?”

The redhead didn’t respond for a second, her eyes unfocused, as though lost in thought, before she blinked and brushed his forehead fan flat.

“No sweetie, I’m not mad at you.” She turned to Tails. “If he teleported, he shouldn’t have gone far, right?”

The fox cupped his chin with a hand, brow furrowed in thought. “I’m not overly knowledgeable about teleportation, but theoretically you’re right. Unless he’s got some sort of power source, like one of the Chaos Emeralds Sonic scattered after the fight with Robotnik, he wouldn’t have had enough energy to traverse large distances.” He flicked his eyes up to Callie. “Theoretically speaking, anyway.”

“I didn’t notice him carrying anything, gem or otherwise. So I doubt he’s got any of those emeralds on him.”

“Then, again theoretically, he should be close by.”

“How do you know about teleportation?” Maddie asked, eyebrow cocked. “That was an awfully specific question.”

Callie wore that unreadable expression for another few seconds before pulling her shoulders up in a shrug, a small smile curling her lips. “Too much sci-fi stuff. It just stands to reason. If he could teleport this whole time, and do so across large distances, why stick around here? Why not just poof himself to Aruba or someplace warmer and less populated?”

Maddie gave a little shrug and nod. “Okay, that makes sense.”

“I found him!”

Most of the group jumped when Sonic suddenly reappeared, and grabbed his mother’s hand to pull her after him.

“He really needs help, he looks so bad!”

“Okay baby,” Maddie said, hiking the strap of her med kit over her shoulder. “Show me.”

Silver’s heart raced, and he pulled his own mother along as they hurried to care for the strange boy.

~X~X~X~

Eclipse faded in and out of consciousness. He was cold, freezing down to his bones. His arm throbbed, and even the tiniest of movements sent sharp pains shooting up to his shoulder. His fever spiked, and he suffered delirious dreams that featured his father, the gray boy, and the redheaded woman.

He was dying. He knew it. He deserved it, he supposed. For failing his father. For failing whatever secret mission he was sent here to do. For failing to live up to the standards he was created for.

The ultimate weapon. The pinnacle of Black Arms bio-engineering. Heir prince to the entire Black Arms empire and future leader of its mighty army.

What a joke.

This was a primitive, backwater planet. He could have . . . should have conquered these creatures easily. But instead he’d injured himself, suffered humiliation after humiliation, and succumbed to something as menial and pathetic as an infected scratch on the arm.

Maybe he really was useless. A nothing. A pointless failure, just like his father had said. Time and time again.

In his delusional state, Eclipse thought he heard a voice. He wanted to tell whomever it was to leave him alone, let him die in peace, but only a soft moan came out. The voice said something else and then silence returned.

Good. He wanted to be alone. For once he was glad he didn’t have the constant hivemind chatter in his head. The unnerving quiet was preferable right now. He didn’t want an audience as he took his last breath. He was already the shame of all Black Arms. It seemed fitting to be completely separated from them, now that he was to meet such a pointless fate.

It was what he deserved. His entire existence was pointless. Worthless. Wasted.

Darkness swallowed him again for a time. When he drifted back, there were more voices. He couldn’t focus completely on what they were saying, but a few words made it through the haze in his mind, and the tone was soft and soothing.

“. . . back to my house . . .”

“. . . gonna be okay?”

“. . . pretty bad but I’ll do my best . . .”

Consciousness faded again, but he became aware of movement. His bad arm was gently moved, cradled to his chest. Then something covered him, something soft and warm, wrapping around him snugly. A little jostling, then he was lifted, and held close to something else, soft and warm. A soft, rhythmic beat drummed against his ear.

Movement again. He was being carried. More voices. That drum in his ear—a heartbeat? A soothing voice from directly above him.

“. . . gonna be okay, little guy . . . care of you . . .”

At this point, it didn’t matter what the owners of these voices wanted to do with him. Eclipse had no energy or strength to fight back. So he closed his eyes and let the darkness pull him down again.

~X~X~X~

Eclipse opened his eyes, his serrated pupils dilating in the dim light of the room. He was no longer in his cave, and no longer feeling as though he were just a few degrees from freezing solid. A soft cushion was beneath him, and a thick, warm cloth covered his body. Looking around, he recognized the room as part of the house that redheaded woman lived in. He’d seen it as he peered through the windows.

A slight headache made him furrow his brow, and he lifted his arms to massage his temples. He favored his bad arm almost automatically before a sudden realization hit.

His bad arm wasn’t bad anymore. That constant throb that had been with him since he sliced it open was gone.

Looking down, he discovered a long white bandage over his wound. He gave an experimental flex of his hand, curling it into a fist, and discovered no pain associated with the action. The infection seemed completely gone.

“You’re awake!”

The voice startled him, and the darkling jumped slightly as he sat up and turned toward the owner. It was the gray hedgehog. He stood near the . . . well, whatever it was Eclipse was laying on, a big smile on his face.

“Does your arm feel better?”

Eclipse paused a moment, the furrow in his brow deepening. Then he nodded.

“Good! It was looking so bad. Maddie said it was a good thing we found you when we did. Otherwise you might’ve . . .” The boy’s face clouded over for a second, before he blinked and smiled again. “But we found you and now you’re okay!”

Confusion filled Eclipse’s mind. He’d been saved? Why? Why would this gray boy—and whomever this Maddie was—care about his injury, or whether he lived or died? Was this a trick? A scheme to make him repay his debt to them? What was their plan?

As the darkling mulled over these thoughts, the redheaded woman walked into the room. Her brows raised as she saw him, and a little smile curled one side of her lips.

“Ah, you’re awake,” she said, moving closer and planting her hands on her hips. “Maybe I can get my couch back now. You’ve been out for nearly a full day.”

Eclipse flicked his eyes back and forth between the gray boy and human, his lip curling slightly in a snarl. He didn’t feel back to full strength yet, but he would fight them if he had to.

The woman’s smile faded when she saw his snarl, and she tapped the gray boy on the head. “Bug, why don’t you run and fetch him a sandwich and some water. I bet he’s hungry.”

The gray boy nodded and hurried off. Once he was out of earshot, the woman sat on the table near the ‘couch’, locking eyes with Eclipse.

“Okay, lemme set a few ground rules here, little dude,” she said, her voice firm, but not necessarily angry. “First and foremost, the big number one rule is that you are not, under any circumstances, to hurt anyone. No clawing, no hitting, no biting. Remember that one. No. Biting.” She held up her own bandaged arm. “’Cause if you do this to Silver, ain’t nowhere on this big blue ball you’ll be able to hide from me. Understand?”

Eclipse flicked his eyes between her bandage and face. He pulled his lips tight before nodding.

“Good. You are a guest in this house for as long as you need, but you are to behave yourself. I’ll need to change your bandage a few times—and I remind you of rule number one—but otherwise I’ll give you as much space as you need to feel safe. No one’s going to hurt you, and I’ll make sure your belly is always full.”

The darkling blinked. What she said sounded nice, on the surface, but he didn’t trust her. Why would she take him in, especially after he’d bitten her? Feed him? Protect him? Shelter him? She didn’t know him, and obviously feared him at least a little, considering this warning. So why bring him into her home?

She wanted something from him, that much was obvious, but what?

Ultimately, Eclipse decided to play along. He’d bide his time, observing the human to discover this species’ weaknesses. Perhaps this is what he was left here to do. Undercover work. Intel. He could do that. Pretend to behave so he could study this pathetic species. He’d make his father proud.

The thought of Black Doom finally being proud of him brought a smile to Eclipse’s face.

He was going to be welcomed back to the Black Comet with open arms. Like a hero. Once he figured out the best way to defeat these pitiful creatures.

All he had to do was be patient. They’d reveal their weaknesses soon enough.

This was going to be easy.

#my writing #sonic fanfiction #eclipse the darkling #sonic the hedgehog #knuckles the echidna #silver the hedgehog #maddie wachowski #callie macpherson #tails the fox

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writtenbyevie · 1 year

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For the otp question thing!! for sunaosa (obviously): 18 (I’m asking mostly for the bonus hehe), 26, 28, 29, and 30! I’m very nosy and curious what you think about these hehe, big love <3

my beloved jules!! the outlets you give me to ramble on about sunaosa bring so much joy so thank you. i’m squishing your cheeks 🤍✨🤍

18. Who leaves little notes in the other's lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

Since I imagine Osamu makes Suna's lunch almost every day at Inarizaki, dually to test out his recipes and to take care of Suna, I think he does this. I would like to think he writes really, really bad food puns related to whatever meal he just made in hopes of making Suna laugh from the sheer cringe factor alone. He also always tacks on a PS which features something sweet, with the goal of making Suna blush and/or punch him in the arm.

When they're living in different cities, Osamu tries order lunch for them both from a chain restaurant that has locations in both Shizuoka and Osaka at least once a week. (He likes to eat locally but for this plan to work he has to rely franchises) He'll have Suna's meal delivered to the EJP Raijin gym and his to Onigiri Miya. That way they can feel like they're eating together, even if it's at different times in different places, just as they did back in Hyogo.

To top it all off, in the notes for Suna's order, he still writes bizarre little jokes, not caring what the delivery guy or chefs will think. It's gotten Suna some strange looks from drivers over the years but c'est la vie.

26. What would be their theme song?

THIS IS HARD!!! When writing earth and moon, I repeatedly listened to J's Lullaby by Delaney Bailey, as I felt that song really embodied the atmosphere and energy of what I was writing. Lyrically, I'm not sure if it's the best match. I just love something very soft and without frills for them. Inevitable by Anberlin is also another good one for them. I also love this instrumental piece called Wanderlust by AK for them. I don't know to describe it, but it encapsulates their energy very well to me. I probably listened to this one the most actually while writing them.

28. What do they do when they're away from each other?

This is actually a plot point in earth and moon! They do a lot of things, but I have a favorite one. So mild spoiler alert I guess?

For context: Suna and Osamu discuss the moving away from each other, causing Suna to confess he fears Osamu will forget about him. Osamu responds with the story about how Atsumu knew he had a crush on him before he did.

“One day, I snapped. Asked why his delusional ass was so convinced I liked ya.” Osamu smiles, a little pull of his lips, a little pull of Rin’s heart. Gravity living and breathing and just eighteen. “Do ya know what he said?”

Rin shakes his head.

“He said he knew cuz I kept findin’ ya in things.” Thunder rumbles, a low kind of crash that jostles the ground beneath feet and glass in barely kept together windows. “Told me that my every other sentence was some variation of ‘doesn’t this remind ya of Rin?’” Osamu chuckles, the sound tumbling, as if each breath trips the next. “To which he’d always answer ‘no ‘cuz I’m not in love with him ya moron,’ and I’d always promptly put him in a headlock.”

Rin snorts, sticky and dull, but something in his chest clears. Light seeps in.

Sighing, Osamu says, “and as much as I hate to admit it, he got me thinkin’.” He cranes his head, watching falling raindrops as if they bottle his thoughts. “Thinkin’ about how I’d find ya in the bottoms of pudding cups and the backyard willow tree and the bridge of my favorite song.” They kiss his face. Baby blue bursts of memory. “And I realized ‘Tsumu got somethin’ wrong.” Osamu grins properly now. Crooked and wide. His old lip scar drawn over with gray ink. “I didn’t just randomly find ya in those things, I was lookin’. And I still look.”

He gazes at Rin directly. Moonlight curves around the storm’s bend. Softly shining amongst the sky’s black melancholy. It does not best the lightning or better the rain, but it returns. Constant, even when Rin believed it to be lost.

“I look for ya in strawberry soda, shichimi, and the sea. In vanilla, camera flashes, and the color green. In bedsheets, stars, and all my dreams.” Osamu steps closer to Rin so their noses almost brush. “So long as there’s a scrape of matter and a shred of my soul, I’ll be looking for ya, Rin. Until yer lookin’ back. And I know that ya will. Because goin’ does not mean goodbye."

They develop this habit of texting each other messages and/or pictures anytime they see something that reminds them of the other person. It ranges from sweet things like sunsets and starry nights to dirty bumper stickers and a racoon that lives in the dumpster behind Osamu's apartment. They do other things as well, but this one is my favorite.

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

So I have two because they're character headcanons.

Suna has abandonment issues that manifest in him leaving relationships first, since he can't fathom anyone wanting to stick around. After all, no one has ever chanced after him when he moved, so he learned to just stop looking back.

Osamu's life has been defined by his accomplishments, which results in this sort of covert perfectionism. People love him for what he does, not who he is. He ends up developing in an intense fear of failure, especially when he initially struggles to get Onigiri Miya off the ground.

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

They both unlearn these issues through each other! Osamu actively fights to keep Suna in his life and teaches him that the possibility of pain and being left doesn't devalue or undermine the importance of relationships in the first place.

Suna shows Osamu that not only does he love him for who he is, regardless of his success, but he is proud of him too. One of his lines in after is literally: "I love you for who you are, not who you think you have to be." Suna gives Osamu permission to "fail," which in turn gives Osamu the freedom to grow.

ANYWHO!!! This turned out to be insanely long. Thank you Jules for letting me wax and wane about Sunaosa. I adore them and you!! Big hugs and forehead kisses to you!! Much love 💫💖💫

#lord I hope this is coherent #jules!!#burning the trees #otp asks #sunaosa #osasuna #suna x osamu #osamu x suna #suna rintarou #miya osamu #rintarou suna #osamu #haikyuu ships #hq headcanons #hq #evie’s jeevies

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schizosupport · 1 year

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OK, well, I am a different anon but (please) explain something to me or reassure me that I am not a stupid freak. I had a drug-induced psychotic break from an OD on a psychiatric med (antidepressants) and I had a DID delusion, I believed I had multiple personalities. Because of the OD, in the hospital, even after hours of saline drips in my blood to flush out the drugs, I talked compulsively (manic-like symptoms) and heard different voices come from my mouth. Literally about 10 different voices and these voices would change between each other, for example a child voice and a smart-ass voice would be distinct and when one switched to the other and then back again it would be the same distinct voice. That sounds confusing - so let me rephrase… you know how you and your partner/friend don’t sound the same, and if you have a conversation, you will have your own voice and your partner/friend will have their own voice, despite you both talking back and forth.

So basically, I’m asking, how… HOW did my brain create 10 characters instantly and keep them consistent with distinct accents/pitches/cadences for each personality for several hours? Not minutes, hours! Literally not exaggerating here - yes, I hallucinated, both auditory and tactile (since the voices came from my mouth when I talked and I talked to “channel” them through me) but they really felt like fully formed characters and of course they were exaggerated personalities due to the manic features of the drug-induced psychotic break, but whoa! How can my brain just create things like that? And I couldn’t think thoughts in my head either. I could only think by talking aloud, involuntarily using those personalities who had different ideas to each other. Chaotic.

I feel sad like the other anon. I really felt like this delusional conclusion was a beautiful revelation, and since I have a long trauma history including frightful dissociative symptoms I fell into this delusion, and HARD. I have bipolar, probably schizoaffective, and I have a level of identity separation in the sense that my mind feels like a separate thing from me, mainly in that it “tricks” me. This can include trains of thought that aren’t in my control. I still feel awful embarrassment and guilt for accidentally faking DID and blathering on about it like it was a good thing to have in my manic-ish state. But it was real to me and well, I just want to know if I’m not the only person who has had such an intense and detailed delusion or that there’s not something scarily wrong with me which makes my brain store characters to trick me. I don’t understand it and I’m really disturbed by it. And I also feel… lonely.

Hey there anon! I'm sorry it took a while to get back to you, I hope you're still around!

I kept wanting to give a really in-depth answer, but it wasn't coming to me naturally, so I'm just gonna do my best.

Ok so, this is a difficult ask to answer, because I don't want to influence your understanding of yourself in any specific direction, based on my own biases and what little information I have on your situation.

So I think what I'm gonna do is to just share info that might be helpful or relevant to your experience.

First off, it is not inconceivable to me that a brain could come up with that amount of unique characters on the fly, in the span of a couple hours. Something that isn't talked about a lot is the connection between creativity, creation and psychosis.

Completely regardless of what the experience meant/was, it's very understandable that it left you feeling disturbed, and also lonely. The world can be difficult to live in, and symptoms are hard to deal with.

So feeling like you had stumbled upon this fact about yourself must have felt great. It not only would have offered the promise of "you don't have to face this alone", it would also have provided a lens to make sense of a bunch of prior experiences like the frightful dissociative symptoms, and perhaps some aspects of your psychosis etc. In a way it would have been almost like a "reward" for going through all the past trauma, that at least now you have these people with you, who will help you tackle the future.

So I really understand how the "come down" from this experience must have been insanely hard to deal with. And I can imagine professionals etc would not be good at understanding how sometimes "psychosis lifting" can be experienced as a direct loss that leaves you feeling empty.

I can promise you that you are not the only person who has had such intense and detailed delusions - about similar stuff, as well as about a plethora of other matters.

I think one of the reasons why the idea of trauma-related dissociation and associated symtoms often appeal to psychotic people in a way where it would feel like a preferable narrative, has to do with the widely held beliefs surrounding psychosis and dissociation.

In psychiatry, psychosis is (too often) considered senseless and random. It "cannot be reasoned with", it shouldn't be taken seriously, it should be ignored, muted and destroyed at any cost. A lot of psychotic people internalize this perspective, and this makes the psychotic symptoms and their shape out to be an entirely malicious force outside your control.

Conversely, perhaps because DID diagnosis and treatment has historically belonged more in the "psychological" than "psychiatric" camp, DID (and related symptoms) are often seen to be a result of past experience, interacting with current experience, in a way that follows some kind of logic. "Symtoms" are not just symtoms, they are alters, facets, trauma responses, past versions of yourself, protectors or even persecutors, they all play a role in a narrative that helps the system/person work through their past, embrace their present, and look towards the future.

In actual reality - as you may sense - this is a false dichotomy. Psychosis IS treatable through psychological means. Therapists who work with this will often complain that the first large task of treating a psychotic person who has been through the psychiatric wringer, is to convince them that their symtoms are in fact not senseless, that they are not an external hurtful force, rather internalized pain that can be met and dealt with compassionately. That "engaging with symptoms" is not inherently bad.

So I think often.. psychotic people who are starved of a compassionate response to their symtoms and their causes and meanings, would feel that a disorder explicitly based in dissociation, based in trauma, would be preferable. Because it offers a narrative in which you get to make 'sense of senseless symtoms' without challenging the prevailing psychiatric notion that half of what your brain does is purely mistaken noise to be avoided at all cost.

So without judging your specific situation, I want to say that just because something is based in psychosis, it doesn't make it completely random and meaningless. There is a meta level of communication and understanding, unique to each individual and our situation.

You deserve meaning, and compassion, and community.

#actuallypsychotic #casually putting this in the tag bc I'm fairly passionate about the question of sense vs nonsense

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kcjacobs · 1 year

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If we, we as in each individual, stood up for ourselves, took back all that power we have willingly given over to our so-called government, the people we trust to keep us, our money and our homes safe, then we could live a much better life one that we are still yet to discover. Instead, we have been made to believe thay without a president ( posh word for dictator ) we can’t function as a society Funnily enough it’s those in question who are the ones that keep telling us that, scaring us to believe that this terrible world we live in, all the crime and violence we see constantly broadcasted worldwide, would only get worse without them.

Why is this 100% not true?

War is caused between governments, higher powers, and it’s all for money and power.

Poverty isnt a misfortune, it could end, lets be honesy theres plenty of money in the world that if divided farely would end poverty all together, one football teams wages together alone, the houses of Parliament could save thousands of lives just by cutting their income by 10%. ….but they earned it you say?

If someone, anyone ould look me in the eyes with a straight face and tell me exactly how they earned all their thousands and millions that isn’t off us, weapons, trafficking or our taxes (a few examples from the top of my head) qnd make a valid point, you will never see me write again but it’s impossible. We hand over over 50 % of our hard-earned wages and don’t say shit about it out loud... we may huff and puff and tell our other halves, or friends how pissed off it makes us and then brush it of and continue our day to day lives.

How can we be letting this happen and think its normal? we need to fight for what is ours, and that’s everything

Our wages, our land, our kids, our freedom, our planet. We, as a society, are so strong…if someone stole 5000 euros or even 5p, knowing who they are, would u let it go or would you fight to get back? Assuming our minds aren’t completely delusional, of corse we would fight to get back whatever was stolen….if your answer is anything other than that then get back to believing your social media bullshit and catch up on what’s most important like, Adam Sandler in a hoodie at the grammys or the fact that Shakira caught pique cheating because her jam jar was half full because this is wasted on you.

Once upon a time on this same planet earth we inhabit on, lived thousands of people with one simple rule/law….do no harm, to others…Easy and simple, but we then had thepower over ourselves and ourselves alone. Laws were put into place for buisnesses, corporations laws and even then two partys had to agree to it before it was put in place. Slowly, somehow at somepoint someo e placed this laws outside of buisness and into our lives and with power comes greed and that’s exactly what happened

I look at my grandparents, my grandfather from my father’s side, his parents e.c.t fought for us in the war, and the guilt I feel keeps me up at night sometimes.

They left their homes, their children, their wife’s and lives to fight for us for our futures and did not give up for a second, they must had been exhausted, petrified so lonely and lost yet they kept going with the thought of us, our families safety and for what? For the lives we have choose to live now, no freedom, no love, our society no longer has passion or pride, we just keep our heads down and do as we are told out of fear? Laziness? Or pure stupidity I don’t know but either way out soldiers have every right to be disgusted and disappointed in us but its fixable, we can do everything in our power to make sure our babies don’t have to live this continuous rat race we call life.

If law was so important and necessary for us to live right, how come one rule applies to one and another to others?

If we haven’t realized by now that all news is fake news and it is simply a disguise to keep us all blinded from what is truly happening around us, which is what we really want to know, or need to know.

Credit to us all, getting through one of the biggest ‘epidemics’ as they called It. I saw a real society where I was at the time, exactly what our society should be like at all times, baking cakes, gardening, exercising, people caring for their neighbours, helping our elders with shopping, most places became a real community, so I don’t believe for a second anymore that we can’t possibly be civil together alone because we can, and we will.

#freedom #corrupt politicians

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shadows1nger · 2 years

Text

OUR IMMORTAL SOULS

Chapter One

I sleep so we can meet

- Mr. Den

Song:

1837

London, England

I taught myself the ways of the world very young. There wasn't a place for a woman with dreams. Though I longed for one. As I did my work cleaning posh houses I would never live in, I dreamt wide awake. I dreamt of vast lands of vivid color. I dreamt of music that flowed through the souls of many. I dreamt of a place without hunger and pain. I simply lived in the world inside my head.

Content and alone.

Because my reality was too heartbreaking.

"Don't forget to dust before the days end, girl." Lady Maddox warned, keeping a meticulous eye on my work. I was scrubbing the floors with worn rag that hardly did anything. It would take hours for the floor to shine how she'd like, but I couldn't leave until it was finished. I nodded and got back to work.

I hoped at least I would have scraps from supper. Though, I knew better. My father would scarf it down along with ale. I'd starve again tonight it would seem.

The moon was high in the sky when I finished my duties. The cold air nipped at my nose, I took my time walking home. I was in no hurry for the questions my father would ask. If he did indeed notice I was gone. I wonder who he thinks pays for his ale. It definitely isn't him. He hasn't work since the war. My mother is too wrapped up in herself to work. I think she believes she is royalty in hiding waiting for her prince to sweep her off her feet and carry her to her palace.

She's just as delusional as I am.

My brother, Mikeal is too weak to work. He wasn't breathing when he was born. It impaired him mentally. He's twelve now. He doesn't speak but he finds different ways to let me know what he's thinking. In some ways, I'm grateful for him. But, sometimes dark thoughts creep in reminding me he's just another mouth to feed. I scare myself with my thoughts sometimes. I often think about running away and seeing the world rather than just my dreams. But, my family would starve if I did so and family is family no matter how burdensome. I'd simply have to live my life inside my head for the time being. Which I didn't mind.

My home was dark when I entered. Everyone was asleep. The fire embers burned low and I tossed a log so we can be warm come morning. My stomach growled and I dug throw the pantry to find old bread that would have to do. I pick off the molded pieces and sat by the fire. This was misery. I'd known nothing other in life. I wished I could live in my dreams and never wake up. I'd read, well I'd learn too. I'd read everything so I could a soak up all the knowledge that was out there. I seen Lady Maddox's son read. He was always engulfed in a book. I was curious to know how words affected him so deeply he kept his nose in them. I wish I could ask him, but it was forbidden to speak to anyone in the house besides Lady Maddox.

Maybe one day I won't have too. I'd know myself what it's like to be so captivating by the words of others. To feel their pain...their love. I smile at the thought. I'd live a thousand lives by simply reading. Reading the dreams of others and experiencing it through their words.

I drift off to sleep with a smile.

I woke to the sounds of rage. When I opened my eyes, I was met with the angry worn face of my father. Tears streamed down Mikeal's face, though he didn't make a sound. My mother sat cradled in a corner with her closed. "Where is it?!" He growled, grabbing my collar. I didn't react. This was typical thing. He was out of ale. He'd drown himself in the last of it.

"I. Don't. Know." I say, with hatred in my eyes. He raised his hand and hits me across the cheek. I squeezed my eyes shut as the burning sensation took its course. I would not cry. I would not cry. I repeated this in my head several times til the pain was gone. He released my collar and I fall to the ground. "To hell with all of you!" He yells and the door slams shut. He will be back. Drunk. But, back nonetheless.

I wait until I'm sure he's gone before going to soothe Mikeal. I hum a sweet melody to stop his tears. He rocks back and forth in my arms til he breathing calms. I smooth his soft brown curls he inherited from our father, "It will all be fine."

I can't promise him that, but it felt like the right thing to say. Even if it wasn't true. It won't be fine.

We will wake to the same thing come tomorrow. He knows, my mother knows, and I sure as hell know it.

We won't be free until we are six feet under.

#morpheus #sandman #fanfic #dream fanfic #morpheus fanfiction #Spotify

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aliceinwondervan · 2 years

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Literally just downloaded the app, made my account, and went to make a post. I just can't get out of my head. I am so alone. I haven't had a Tumblr account since porn was allowed. Late last year I realized I'm a transwoman. Being amab in a marriage with one kid and another being considered - this destroyed me. My life instantly shattered. I had been building a future with my wife for over a decade. We've taken a few laps around hell and back. No matter what we were each other's constant.

Disclaimer: subjects like spousal abuse and struggles with mental health and thoughts of suicide are discussed below. There might be other triggers but my hand is cramping since I saved the disclaimer for last and I gotta stop typing.

I panicked. I messaged a friend who immediately accepted me for who I am. The next day my wife "had a feeling" something was up and instead of coming to me about it she snooped thru the thread with my friend and to say she got pissed is the biggest understatement.

To her I had to have known. To her I wasted her time. To her I was leaving to go frolic with all the other trans people. When in reality I grew up in a house with a very homophobic father. I hid my more "girly" tendencies because I was scared he would think I was gay. Which I am, being a lesbian and all, but at the time I was scared he would have thought my dude self was into dudes even tho I'm not. Anyways - my more girly tendencies turned out to be red flags that I was living in an egg.

With that tangent aside and in no particular order here is what I was subjected to for the next 3 months:

* I was arrested twice because she lied to the cops. The first time was a week after my egg cracked. She was trying to snap my phone in half so I put her in a mild headlock to try to stop her. I guess technically I was the first to get physical with her so I was arrested. Learned very quickly my anxiety doesn't do well with me locked in a small box so I called a bail bond guy who ended up being very chill about the whole thing and he got me out. The second time I was arrested led to me living in my car so that'll be at the end.

* She picked fights with me constantly. Same loop: she'd get a wild hair up her ass and find a reason to be pissed at me. Instead of talking she'd come in like I was supposed to be psychic or some shit and know what was going to bother her this time. Bingo, bango, bongo, fight would start - escalate to the point where I was peak pissed - she'd calm down a bit and start to act like I was psycho. Rinse and repeat.

* Her favorite lines during these fights and the reason they'd escalate like they did were aimed at my deepest insecurities. Imagine anything transphobic; she's said it. Imagine any power play a wife could pull; she did it. Her mission was to make my life so miserable I'd leave on my own.

* She outed me. She told a mutual friend of ours her fucked up, delusional, version. Recently I reached out to her brother, who was once my best friend, and he was super supportive in his initial reply but left me on read after. Can't help but feel like he must've talked to his sister.

* My wife isn't into chicks so we filed for divorce. It's been amicable as long as you don't count all the judicial threats she makes during fights.

* The second time I was arrested she started getting physical with me and the most I did was hold her arms and hands back. This led to a vertical line shaped bruise on her arm (that's how hard she was trying to hurt me) and since she called the cops and she was the one with a mark, I was arrested.

Again, vertical line. Apparently I karate chopped her or some shit.

Since I was on bail already for the same thing my bail would've been double the last bail. Couldn't afford it so I spent the next 5 days in jail. Remember the part where I said my anxiety didn't do well locked in a box? I'm on like 4 different meds and the one they ended up giving me was one I kept telling them I was off of.

Not a fun 5 days. I spent the first day in a turtle suit because for the first time in my life I was having intrusive thoughts of suicide. I'd never act on them but it still scared the hell out of me.

When it was ultimately dismissed I got out but couldn't go home because my wife had filed for a temporary restraining order for her and my kid that wouldn't expire for a few days. She was nice enough, in her words, to book me at a hotel.

Turns out I dig the car life tho. I make ends meet with DoorDash and am using this time at Rock Bottom to build a foundation.

Problem is it's very lonely being at Rock Bottom. Forgot to mention: my wife started dating someone a couple weeks after my egg cracked AND she reconnected with her ex that's been stalking her since they dated when she was 14. So she got our mutual friends, a new boyfriend, and her psycho ex. I have, thankfully, that friend I can message. But that's it. I started reconnecting with an old friend but we've hung out once so far so it's still kinda awkward and we're not at the point

When my ex isn't pissy we still get along like always. With time she'll come around but in the meantime I'm forced to live with myself. Ultimately this will probably be good for my but my god the pain is overwhelming.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Until next time,

Alice

#lgbt #transfem #transgender #divorce #male to female #mtf lesbian #depressing life

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talesofhamsi · 11 months

Text

Breaking Free

Dysfunction describes how I grew up. And many posts on this blog describe the dysfunction I refer to here. I realize that I have painted my dysfunction yet failed to communicate how I am doing.

I feel liberated for the first time. And I say it with so much gratitude that it is through the help of my close friends here in Buffalo and Chennai along with my therapist, that I am where I am today.

Importantly, I feel the need to speak up for the people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. A few weeks back after getting into a fight with my parents, a thought seeped into me like venom.

"I would never be able to communicate my needs to my parents without compromising how I feel. If I don’t feel safe enough with them, my own family, where do I belong in this world? Where do I belong if not in my own home?"

I was haunted by this thought. I kept running in circles, hoping to forget it. It kept screaming that I didn't belong anywhere. And it felt so cold to think about not fitting in with your kind. I shudder thinking about it.

You might ask me, have I found a solution to fit in, have I magically cured dysfunction from its origin?

No. And quite frankly, that thought is still lingering in my head. It’s a whisper now. Faint but I can still hear it.

I say this with immense feeling of defeat, but I’ve learned to let go. I’ve completely surrendered to life's flow. I, a person who expects situations to always turn my way, have learned to release. I still worry about if one day, I wake up and want my need for control to seep into my life to narrate how my life should flow. Maybe someday, I want it. Today, I am watching myself gracefully let go of every single person, thought, and situation I have no control over. For the first time, I hope to be able to watch situations unfold and work out for me, as opposed to being the driver in the front seat.

I realized I had regulated my emotions. I have learned to parent myself. It is one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever done so far; to sit with my thoughts, and listen to them rather live my life delusionally. I have decided to be real with myself. And every time I feed into a dysfunctional thought, I take a step back and apologize to my inner child.

Because we knew we deserved better. And only I could break this mad cycle for us.

And there are times when I accept certain familial patterns, behavior, and dysfunction present in my life for what it is. My heart aches with sadness that it does not look “normal”. It is so odd, hurtful, and unlike what a family relationship is supposed to be like. I ask my therapist now and then if it gets better as time passes.

“Maybe one day you’ll fill it with a family of your own. But today, you fill it by being compassionate to yourself”, is her reply

My definition of home has changed drastically in the last few months. I remember starting here last August, I felt completely lost and alone. I started in an unfamiliar place with an entirely different way of living. I always questioned my choices and felt lost when no one controlled my actions. I was so used to living by what I was supposed to do, I forgot how to be by myself.

It took a few failed relationships, saying no loudly to people, setting strong boundaries, standing my ground with my family, and doing what I feel is right instead of what I'm supposed to do, which has shaped me today.

I am not here to sugar-coat that it gets better, but you will get through it, through the home you create within yourself, and the home you create with others. Home is now a place where I reside, where I feel safe, and I express my thoughts without being belittled or questioned. My home in Chennai is my home. It’ll always be my home and my family will always be mine. No matter how dysfunctional they are, they love me, and care for me in the way they can and it is still love. There is no denial there.

But I have expanded my wings to create a home for myself. And I have strong faith that the foundation is strong this time around.

#inner child #innerpower #healing #selflove #childhood #mental health #emotional health #innerstrength #difficult parents #innerbeing #family members and relatives #anxiety #black and white #shadow work #spiritual journey #self discovery #energy work

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mushroom-musings · 1 year

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A Letter to My Past Self

Hey.

Y’know, I never know what to say in these things. That is to say, I have far too much to say so I never know where to start.

So…I’ll start with this.

Thank you.

You’re probably looking at this right now, surprise on your face. “Thank you?” you ask. “What on Earth for?”

For dreaming.

If I remember right (and I might not, my memory is getting bad these days), you dreamt quite a lot.

You dreamt of the stars, and you dreamt of the moon. You dreamt of stages, of blinding spotlights, of laughter and of happiness.

You dreamt of holding these things in the palm of your hand, of the world being your oyster.

And I called you silly for it.

I laughed at you.

You don’t know how things are in the real world, silly girl. The world will chew you up and spit you out and not think twice about it.

How cruel of me.

The world has done that to me. And I’ve accepted it. I’ve accepted that things will never be good for me, that I am an irrelevant existence in a sea of billions more.

How hopelessly depressing.

But…do you know what keeps me going? Do you know what makes me fight against my instinct to crawl into a hole and die?

You. Your dreams, more specifically.

They kept you afloat during tough times, didn’t they? When you were bored, when you were tired, and when you were scared, hurt and alone, you dreamt.

Of a better future for us.

I don’t know how to dream anymore. Our childish dreaming has been taken away and replaced with adult-like contemplation. All I can do is sit here and ruminate on things past, as well as things to come.

This is what it means to be an adult.

And yet…I still cling to your dreams.

Everything I do, I do it for you.

I join clubs and participate in things because you thought we’d be popular someday. I talk to people and make friends because you dreamt that we’d have more than two people to invite to a birthday party someday. I do my best in school because you used to pride yourself on your smarts and hoped that they’d carry us to the forefront of cutting edge research. I refuse to let myself die because you dreamed that we’d live a long and fulfilling life and retire in a big house by the lakeside with our lover.

If it were up to me, my only wish would be to end my own suffering. I’ve had far too much of it for far too long, and I am so, so tired.

That is my only “dream”, that I might be happy in death.

But I know that wouldn’t make you happy.

Not after everything you went through.

You are hotheaded and stubborn, emotional, naive and perhaps even a little delusional. You don’t know how to speak, you don’t know how to act, and you don’t know how to think properly about anything. Everyone can see it, you’re just a little girl. You don’t know how to do anything right, except for playing nice with the adults and being a good little doll.

But you still try your damn best at everything that you do, don’t you?

It’s not your fault that you’re bad at things. It’s not your fault that the only way you think you could ever be good at things is in dreams.

You’re just a kid.

So you dream big. It’s all you can do. You dream so big that there’s no way I’ll ever be able to catch up. You dream so, SO big that sometimes I curl up on the ground and curse you for dreaming so much.

But in the end, I always end up thanking you.

Why? Because you give me a purpose, little girl.

Because of you, I have dreams to fill the void inside my empty head.

You thought we’d be great! You thought we’d be famous! You thought that we’d have our name in lights!

And as hard as it gets to be alive sometimes…

As much as I don’t want to keep carrying on…

I will be great.

You went through hell and back and came out alive, all so you could make your dreams come true someday. The least I can do is take the baton from your weak, failing hands and carry it to the finish line.

If it weren’t for you having to learn things the hard way, I wouldn’t have any of the things that I do. Your hands shake and tremble so that mine can unflinchingly hold the weight of the world.

It is my time to shine, and it’s all thanks to you.

And one day, when I finally get up on that stage…

When the audience is listening to my every word…

When my lover is backstage, cheering for me…

When my family is watching me and smiling at their TVs back home…

When my friends can point to their screens and be proud that they knew me way back when…

Then, I will fall to my knees. I will look up at the sky and scream,

“Look, me, I made it! Aren’t you proud of me?”

And you’ll look back at me…

And you’ll be proud.

I will make you proud, if it’s the last fucking thing I do.

With love, [REDACTED].

March 24, 2023.

#musings of a mushroom boy #a letter to myself #past self #life's journey #dreams #dreaming #dreaming of summer #thoughts #thinking #writing #creative writing #writing piece #letter

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anashins · 3 years

Text

The Right Kind of Wrong

Title: The Right Kind of Wrong

Pairing: Jaehyun x You

Genre: hate to love, cheating, college!au, friendship, romance, smut

Warnings: smut, cheating, cursing, toxicity

Word Count: 8.454

Summary: There are many reasons for you to hate Jung Jaehyun. Aside from being cocky and selfish, the fact that he is dating your best friend is another one of them. But his mesmerizing smile - to hell with it - just isn't.

____

There were at least a hundred things you hated about Jung Jaehyun.

The fact that he was dating your best friend was just one of them.

Not a single day had passed by in the last year in which she hadn’t complained about her boyfriend having flirted with another woman, having ditched her again, going to a party and ignoring her all night, or simply dragging her mood down by one of his unpredictable and hurtful actions.

Aside from being cocky, selfish, arrogant and reckless, Jung Jaehyun was absolutely incapable of being a decent human being for more than ten seconds, and you were wondering why he was so damn popular despite all his faults.

When you went out with your friend group, he mocked the boys trying to hit on you, telling you they were so desperate for that move. When you were attending the same class, he purposely sat down next to you to distract you from the lesson. When he was at your dorm, he kept moving your things onto high shelves, knowing you couldn’t reach them.

And his smirk everytime he did so… his smirk every time he mocked you was so annoying. But also so hot.

Fuck, you thought whenever his mischievious eyes met yours again, and you had to turn away, at a loss for words and afraid he’d caught you flushing. You were so ashamed, because you actually wanted to hate him.

There were many reasons for you to hate Jung Jaehyun, but his mesmerizing smile wasn't one of them.

You hadn’t hated him from the first moment that you two had officially met as you had gotten introduced to each other through your best friend who was also your dorm mate, though. She had found him on a dating app, and you had found him sitting in your class two days later, talking back to the professor.

Back then, you had started admiring his intelligence and courage. But those were the only two positive things you had spotted so far as you only tried to stay as far away from him as possible, emphasizing his negative character traits over and over again.

But the truth was that staying away from him was a very hard thing to do, and you fought every day for your sanity, trying to be a good friend and suppressing your controversial feelings for a man who was absolutely forbidden to you.

“He went drinking last night and I saw an instagram story of him grinding against another girl on the dancefloor!” your best friend complained in your arms, tears on the verge of flowing. “Who’s doing that even?!”

A few pairs of eyes turned into your direction, but when you threw fierce glances at the people staring at you, they passed by very quickly.

When you had been invited to your friend Johnny’s house party, you hadn’t expected to be spending the evening comforting your best friend, even though that had been your daily routine for the past three weeks.

It had grown toxicly usual for Jaehyun and her to fight in a two to three day rhythm over the smallest things, and although their wonky relationship or whatever it was hadn’t been very steady before with them breaking up nearly monthly, lately it had grown almost obnoxious.

“Why don’t you just break up with him?” you suggested again and immediately felt your heart sink.

It wasn’t like you wanted them to break up because you wanted Jaehyun for yourself. You’d never do that to her.

Your best friend was just constantly hurting, and it hurt you just as much when you saw her suffering so greatly. Jung Jaehyun wasn’t a good guy, and you both knew. Yet, she couldn’t let go of him. You knew exactly how that felt.

Even if they were to break up, he wouldn’t belong to you. Because a friend’s ex was a taboo. So having Jaehyun gone entirely from your lives would kill two birds with one stone.

“Not that again!” your friend whined and retreated from you, sinking into the couch with her arms crossed and no signs of tears anymore. “I can’t! I mean… look at him! He’s so hot, and don’t get me even started about his skills in bed. That’s where we usually make up, you know, so-”

“I’m going to get you something to drink!” you interrupted her and jumped up. “You totally need a cocktail now! To come to your senses!”

You loved your best friend dearly, but you didn’t want to hear about Jaehyun’s skills by all means. At some times, your friend didn’t have a filter, and then, it only spiraled downhill from there. You heard them often enough in the dorm, that was already pushing you to your limits.

When you entered the kitchen, you reached up to get a glass from the shelf, but like most of the times, you were too short for the remaining ones at the very top.

“Here, let me help you.”

A soft voice echoed from behind you, but before you could turn around to follow the tone, the guy had already heaved up his arm and reached over you to the very top of the shelf to get you a glass.

Shifting around, you faced the mischievous expression of the young man you had wanted to avoid and who your best friend was currently crying over.

Without a “thank you”, you reached out your hand to grab the glass from Jaehyun, but he immediately shot his arm up to bring the glass high over his head and far out of your reach.

“You think a simple ‘thank you’ is too much for you?”

“Fuck off, Jaehyun.” You crunched with your teeth and narrowed your eyes. “I’d rather die of thirst!”

“What did I do again?” He rolled his eyes in an annoyed manner as though his high spirits got ruined. “What did she tell you?”

“She told me everything she saw from last night!” you defended your friend. “That’s enough for me to get the picture!”

“Okay, and did the picture somehow include me pushing the girl away after she had grinded on me?”

You gulped.

“Just as I thought.”

He placed the glass on the counter, but somehow, this hadn’t got your both’s attention anymore.

“There are two sides of the same coin, yet all you've ever done was looking only at one.”

He approached you, and the rising hotness in your cheeks made you withdraw until your hips bumped into the kitchen counter.

Jaehyun leaned in and propped his arm against the same spot right next to your hip as he asked, “I know you’re her best friend, but being a friend doesn’t mean supporting your friends delusional, one sided thoughts into oblivion. Being a friend sure means to support, I’m not denying that. But being a true friend means to tell someone when they’re wrong. And I am not the one at fault here, y/n.”

“You were doing many stupid things to hurt her in the past!” you started blabbering just to bridge over the silence you’d get when you would stare at his mesmerizing eyes for a little longer. “How am I supposed to believe you?”

“You aren’t supposed to believe me.” He retreated, with the glass in his hand. “All I’m asking for is a chance to explain myself.”

Again, you were flabbergasted by the way he expressed his thoughts that stood in contrast to his questionable behavior. One of the main things that fascinated you. But you quickly turned this feeling into hate by recalling his wrongdoings from the night before.

Looking at the glass, Jaehyun continued, “Yes, there were many things I did wrong in the past. And I’m not going to pinpoint my finger at my girlfriend to tell that she was doing just as many questionable things as me. But people have reasons for doing the things they do. That’s probably why we’re such a good match.”

You didn’t understand a word. In your eyes, and you only knew about their relationship by what your friend told you and what you observed when you were hanging out, the two weren’t a good match at all.

He was the one constantly hurting her feelings, and she was the one to always get hurt.

Or... wasn’t it?

Jaehyun then thrusted the glass into your hand. “You’re lucky, y/n, you know that? It must be so great, living that freely, without any burdens… So oblivious to everything.”

With these words, he disappeared from the kitchen, leaving you behind all alone with the glass in your hand.

You looked at the item, your face getting reflected in the crystals to unrecognizability while Jaehyun’s words still kept you occupied. They had such an impact on you that you suddenly started to question whether your hate against him was actually valid.

When you stepped out of the kitchen yourself with a full glass of your best friend’s favorite cocktail in your hand, you found her in Jaehyun’s arms again, wildly kissing, his kind words suddenly vanished from your mind upon spotting them.

Instead, there was a little monster called jealousy sitting right inside your chest.

___

“8am in the morning! Who even places classes that early?!”

With a groan, Jaehyun flopped down in the seat next to you.

“Shut up, class is about to start.”

“Man, you must be really fun at parties,” he replied. “The professor is not even here yet.”

“You’re annoying, Jung Jaehyun, and if you weren’t dating my friend, I wouldn’t actually talk to you at all.”

“What are the odds we’re still connected to each other, huh! Tell me, y/n, what did I ever do to you? How did I ever hurt you? We’ve never even really spoken with each other ever since we’ve gotten introduced.”

“And I am grateful for this every single day.”

“What is it that you hate about me so much?” he questioned further, his eyes challenging.

But with your eyes straight ahead and no words on your lips, you ignored him as the professor entered the room only a short moment after, announcing the class’ start.

Your pen flew over the sheet, noting down the professor’s words when suddenly, goose bumps spread all over your arm.

When your eyes followed the trail to its source, your right elbow touched Jaehyun’s left one as a result of your hectic writing motions as you had moved too far to the side. The spot on your skin was so warm and so…

You withdrew your arm right away, placing it back to where it usually belonged, but Jaehyun’s own limb had moved so far to the left that you had no place to rest it next to your notes anymore without having his skin barely one inch apart from you. You weren’t touching anymore, but he was so close that you still felt him somehow.

Of course you could drop your arm and place it on your lap as the professor had stopped presenting the most important points of this lesson. Of course you could just move further away with your entire belongings, but the fact was that you didn’t. That you couldn’t.

Instead, you were fixating your eyes on the board right in front of you, listening to your professor’s words but not actually understanding a single syllable that he uttered as your heart beat fast against your chest.

You hoped that Jaehyun didn’t notice how desperate you were for him not to shift away right now. That you actually enjoyed it, but felt so much hatred at the same time. Not against him, but against you - for feeling this way.

“Can you answer my question, Miss y/n?”

Your eyes widened in shock as you got addressed by the professor by your surname. You were actually a good student who was always paying attention in class. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t have happened. But now you got caught red handed not listening to him, and he was a very strict lecturer.

“I… um…” you stuttered.

“The answer to my question, Miss.”

“Yes… the answer…” You gulped as you didn’t even know the question. “The answer is…”

From the corner of your eyes, you perceived how a sheet was slowly moving into your direction from Jaehyun’s place. His finger was pointed at a paragraph that you had also noted down only shortly before.

Suddenly, you knew what the question was about and answered formally to the professor’s task.

With your heart having calmed down after the shock, you let yourself sink down on your seat again. You had gotten distracted only once by something that shouldn’t bother you at all.

This wouldn’t happen again, you swore to yourself.

____

“No ‘thank you’ again from you?”

You turned around to Jaehyun who had rosen a brow at you. “Is this becoming your thing now? Asking for ‘thank yous’?”

“Is this becoming your thing now?” he returned. “Not saying ‘thank you’? I saved your ass in class.”

“Well, I haven’t asked for that, so go beg somewhere else for attention.”

You made your way through the crowded club, feelling the bass under your feet and the techno music in your ears. Jaehyun was following suit.

“Do you want some kind of reward from me? Because you’re not going to get it.”

“I don’t want a reward. Hey.”

He reached out and grabbed you by your arm, right there on the dancefloor. The feeling from this morning returned, but in a higher intensity as it spread all over your body.

“All I’m asking for is respect.”

You snorted. “Respect? Do you respect my friend when you destroy her weekend plans to go drinking with your friends instead? Do you respect my friend when you dance ass on ass with another girl? Do you respect my friend when you hurt her feelings with your rude words? I don’t like you, Jung Jaehyun, because you’re a bad person, and respect is the last thing you’ll ever get from me!”

You yanked yourself out from his grip and disappeared in the mass. What was up with him? Why was he bothering so much lately and evoking all these controversial feelings inside you by acting like this? He should just stay away.

With your eyes closed, you started to move with the music, all by yourself there on the dancefloor. You wanted to collect your thoughts, but as the music flooded through your body, you realized that thinking about nothing was probably the best way to cope with your inner struggles right now.

You opened your eyes widely when you suddenly felt a hand on your bum.

Turning around with much anger reflected in your mien, you stared at a boy around your age who grinned at you seductively. Your fierce gaze was probably mistaken for an invitation when he approached you further, grabbed you by your hips from the front and pressed you against him.

With his lips on your ear, he whispered, “I like what I see.”

And you wanted to scream. You probably did, but it got drowned out by the loud music, and his grip was way too hard for you to free yourself that easily as you shuffled in his arms.

“Let me go!”

Yet, his hands roamed around your private areas like they owned it.

“HEY!”

Before you could scream once more, the guy got dragged away from you by the last person you had expected it from.

“She said let go of her, you asshole!”

Jaehyun grabbed him by his collar, and his height and angry expression alone were probably enough for the other guy to nearly piss his pants as he hastily mouthed,

“I’m so sorry!”

When Jaehyun let go of him, he slipped off silently and wasn’t seen again.

You stood there awkwardly with your arms hugging your chest, still digesting the happenings.

“Did he hurt you?” Jaehyun asked when he leaned in for you to understand better.

You shook your head.

“Do you want to go outside?”

You nodded.

Jaehyun took you by your hand to lead you through the dancing crowd, and you didn’t protest.

This gesture was the total opposite to the disgusting one from the guy who had harassed you shortly before. This touch was raw and chaste. Nothing to be ashamed of and fight against, but something you wanted to accept wholeheartedly.

When you stood outside of the club, Jaehyun let go of your hand, and you finally whispered the words that he had been longing to hear for quite a time,

“Thank you.”

Against your expectations, he didn’t mock you or return witty words. With his eyes locked with yours, he sincerely told you,

“You’re welcome.”

That was the moment it dawned on you that Jung Jaehyun had more positive sides to him that you had always wanted to blend out. But perhaps, you had reached a point in which this wasn’t possible anymore.

You couldn’t continue keeping your eyes closed to all the kind sides of him. Because the more he showed you, the more you’d open your heart for him.

To you, Jung Jaehyun had to remain a bad person, otherwise you’d fall for him, and falling for your best friend’s boyfriend was a taboo.

“Hey, what are you two doing outside?!” Speaking of the devil, your best friend jumped out of the club’s door and into your direction. “Isn’t the music fun?”

Jaehyun looked at you, waiting for your reaction. You knew that if you wanted to go home, he’d follow. If you wanted to stay, he’d stay too, not letting you out of his sight. Because - and you couldn’t repeat this often enough - Jaehyun was actually a good person.

“I want to go home,” you decided. “You can stay, though! Please just let me be the party pooper all alone, I don’t want to spoil your night.”

“Oh, what a pity!” your friend said with a pout. “You always leave when the party is about to start!”

You shrugged with a weak smile, tired of fighting. “Yeah, I guess so. But I still have a lot of pages to revise.”

“Shall we take you back to the dorm?” Jaehyun offered in a caring voice that you apparently encountered for the first time, and your friend immediately shot a reproachful glare at him.

“Are you being serious right now?” she complained. “She’s a grown ass woman who can go home alone!”

His eyes hadn’t left yours. “I’m talking to her, not you.”

Had it always been like this? Her caring about herself more than about you? If it were the other way around, you wouldn’t let her go home alone in the middle of the night, no matter if you knew something had happened before or not.

Suddenly, you saw your best friend from a whole other perspective. Suddenly, she was the one having Jaehyun on a leash, and he was the one fighting back for his rights, not against her.

Two sides of the same coin… If you were to flip it, would your entire world view change?

For a moment, you hesitated. But not wanting to disturb your friend’s evening, you gave in with a, “It’s okay, I can go alone. Have a nice night!”

But Jaehyun held you back when he insisted on calling you an uber for which he even paid while your best friend continued pouting on the side.

____

“FUCK YOU, JAEHYUN!” you heard your best friend scream later that night from her room, every syllable of hers clearly to hear in your own room while you laid in bed later that night.

The hours before had passed by in a trance as you had only fallen onto your mattress face forward after having quickly changed into your pj’s, that was how much of a toll the day had taken on you.

You just wanted to forget what had happened in the club, but also the thoughts that had constantly been in your mind all the way home that only revolved around Jaehyun. So sleep was the best solution, and you would have gladly continued doing so if there weren’t your best friend and Jaehyun arguing loudly next to you for an hour already.

Then, Jaehyun seemed to return something to which she screamed again, “I DON’T FUCKING CARE!”

Stomping followed the brief silence, a door getting opened, then shut again, and footsteps moved into the direction of the entry door before it fell close behind Jaehyun.

This was a nearly weekly experience for you lately, and usually, you’d just miss hearing their arguments, but this time you couldn’t help but to wonder what they had been yelling about. You just hoped it wasn’t because of you and what had happened to you earlier, because in your eyes, Jaehyun had done nothing wrong.

He had been so incredibly nice and thoughtful that you started to doubt their relationship.

You turned in your bed, wanting to fight those thoughts so badly. Jaehyun was your best friend’s boyfriend, and hence, forbidden fruit for you. But you just couldn’t stop your imagination from running now.

What it would be like in your best friend’s place and get treated like this every day, and the worst part was that you didn’t even feel bad about betraying her in your mind.

Fuck, you only thought and sat straight up in bed, now surely not being able to grasp a light thought to accompaby you back to lseep anymore.

Feeling safe to leave your room ten minutes later as your roommate must have fallen asleep by now, you didn’t think about sleep anymore but wanted to get a glass of water from the kitchen to calm yourself down.

Perhaps, tomorrow, you’d have another look at the entire situation, you tried to convince yourself. After a few more hours of sleep, all these confusing thoughts and feelings might have already been forgotten.

“Cannot sleep yet?”

You turned around and found a half naked Jaehyun only dressed in boxers right in front of you. The empty glass of water in your hands got placed back on the counter with shaky fingers.

“What are you doing here?” you contered.

“Well… she suddenly left.” He shrugged. “We’ve been arguing. You sure haven’t missed that one.”

“I didn’t.”

Still, you were wondering what that was all about, but didn’t want to ask. He lifted the weight off your shoulders himself though.

“It was about you.”

“Oh…?” You gulped.

“When you were gone, I went back to that guy and didn’t let him go that easily. They threw me out of the club and your friend thought I'd ruined the night for her.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

You wanted to make your way around him, but he blocked your way as he didn’t move to make space for you to pass by the door.

“What’s making me a bad person, y/n?” Jaehyun suddenly asked. “ The way I saved you in class? In the club? Tell me.”

“You cannot be serious right now. It’s 5am, draw a number for another day.”

You wanted to slip under his stretched out arm, but he moved his body to block you again. “Number one. Now tell me.”

“Because those have been the only times you were nice to me, Jung Jaehyun!” You clenched your fists, breathing in deeply. “When we go out with our friend group, you mock the boys trying to hit on me, telling them they’re so desperate for that move!”

“Because I heard them speaking about you before,” he declared. “They were not looking for something serious but only fun, one had even placed a bet. I tried to spare you from this embarrassment and eventual lovesickness. Go on.”

“When we’re in the same class, you purposely sit down next to me to distract me from the lesson!”

This one let him smirk. “Because I always saw you sitting there alone. You have no friends in that class, and I thought you might need some company. Besides… I knew you couldn’t afford that book we needed, and I purposely always shoved it into your direction when the professor read from it. Have you never noticed?”

Now you have. And you were flabbergasted.

“Wh… when,” you stuttered, “you’re over here, you always move my stuff onto high shelves, knowing I cannot reach them!”

“Because I love to see the defeated look on your face and your cute pout when you have to ask me to get the things for you.”

You didn’t know what to say further as you stood there, frozen on the spot. You hadn’t seen this answer coming.

“Anything else?”

Yes, there were many things you hated him for, and you wanted to throw them all into his face, but as he was standing there in front of you, not even one more came into your mind.

“I just hate you to the core!” you hissed.

But with calmness in his voice, he only turned, “No, you don’t.”

And then, it was all only a blur.

You wanted to push him away, but instead, you found yourself nudging against his body. You wanted to free yourself from his grip, but instead, you wrapped your arms around him. You wanted to escape from his kiss, but instead, you kissed him back in the same passionate manner he kissed you.

Jaehyun’s hands roamed all over your lightly covered body while his lips moved against yours, touching every spot he had missed out on during the entire time he knew you, because you had always pushed him away.

But now that you had opened up to him, you were scared the time window was about to close very soon, so you had to work fast.

You jumped on him, hooking your thighs around his waist while his hands instantly clung around your buttocks to give you the support he needed to carry you to your bedroom. Your hands remained interlaced on the back of his neck when he placed you onto your bed and laid himself between your legs.

Thrown overboard were all your morals, priorities, and the friendship to the person that meant the world to you. You didn’t want to think about all that, but were longing for him so desperately that you wondered for how long you had been suppressing that desire already.

Jung Jaehyun was hot. But he was a bad person.

Or… wasn’t he?

You desperately ground upwards against him, feeling him growing between your legs, and you brought your hands down to massage his length. Jaehyun interrupted your kiss as he hadn’t expected this move to come, and groaned into your ear.

You smirked triumphantly, your hands kneading muscles until he was pressed hard against your palms. Tucking your fingers into the waistband of his boxers, you slid the garment from his hips, revealing his bum. Your hands glided along his curvy, soft mounds, grabbing into them like you were testing ripe peaches.

Jaehyun was pecking your lips as you slid your hands under his body again and closed around his entire girth. He stopped for a moment, but the second he continued on, you started moving your hands, top on top, along his length.

Not being able to concentrate on the feeling down there and kissing you simultaneously anymore, you perceived how Jaehyun got weak with supporting his body on his own arms that he had rested to the left and right of your head. So you decided to take the lead from here on.

Sitting up yourself, you put your palms on Jaehyun’s chest and pushed him backwards onto the mattress. He watched you with surprised eyes, but didn’t protest as you sat on his thighs, eyeing his member with much anticipation.

You slid further down his legs, nearly close to his ankles, and bowed down. With your fingers wrapped around the base of his dick, you led him to your mouth. First letting the tip pass by your lips, then his entire length up until the very middle.

You only heard him swearing, “fucking shit,” before Jaehyun covered his face with his arm placed over his eyes and his other clasping the sheet by his side. Your hair grazed over the area around his navel while you moved your head up and down, cautiously slow at first to give yourself time to adapt to his length.

Then, you started bobbing your head, increasing the speed with every time you came up and nearly let him slip out, your fingers that had closed around him sliding in the same rhythm, adding to the pleasure. The slurping noises that came along with this act filled the room until they got drowned out by Jaehyun’s moans.

He directed his hand towards your head and grabbed it by the back, ruffling your hair between his fingers while he started to thrust upwards, meeting you halfway in the fast motions. Like this, he was able to reach deep within you, but still not far enough so that he could hurt you.

When you witnessed him twitching his legs, you stopped, held him still by the base and decided to tease him further a bit before you allowed him to release himself. With the tip of your tongue, you touched his glans, trailed along the slip and then circled around the entire top part.

Jaehyun’s swearing words came in a never ending trail like a waterfall that you couldn’t really understand all syllables from, but you were sure you did a good job and rewarded him for being patient with the motions from before again, but this time with added pressure and passion.

Suddenly, he grabbed you by your arm, urging you to stop.

“Or else I’m gonna cum,” he said and sat himself up, flipping you around so that you laid under him again.

Hastily, you got rid of your top while Jaehyun worked on your sleeping shorts until shortly after, you were both lying naked on top of each other. You wanted him desperately inside you, because you just didn’t know when you’ve had had sex the last time, but instead of wanting to get through this fast, Jaehyun took his time.

That was when you realized that this entire joining was probably more to him than just sex to get it off. You had thought that because he hadn’t been able to get it tonight from your best friend, he’d take it from you. But the way he touched you insisted otherwise.

If it wasn’t more than just sex, he wouldn’t trail his fingers over your ribcage in feathery-light motions, admiring every inch of your body. If it wasn’t more than a body-focused act, he wouldn’t place soft kisses not only on your mouth, but also onto your forehead, your cheek, your neck… If it wasn’t more, Jaehyun wouldn’t be so damn thoughtful and tender.

He remained his tenderness and his gaze didn’t leave your eyes as well when he finally nudged between your thighs, pushing forward until he filled you up to the brim.

Restraining himself from starting to move right away, Jaehyun took his time to ask you whether you were okay at first when you let out a quiet “oh” that alarmed him. But you were eager to calm him down when you explained that it was only because you hadn’t been with a man in so long, and somehow, after speaking it out, it made you feel embarrassed.

As the boyfriend of your best friend, he’d surely know when you had been in contact with a man the last time, and you hated yourself for being so pressured by society to feel ashamed of who you were and how you lived your life.

But instead of judging you, Jaehyun only nodded and tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, and suddenly, you were flooded with such a warm feeling towards him that you nearly cried. Rarely had you encountered a man so considerate and caring.

“Tell me when I can go on.”

You bit your lip and felt the uncomfortable pressure in your nether regions getting replaced by a feeling that you hadn’t encountered in so long. A feeling that made you want more, want him.

Holding onto his shoulders with both of your hands, you nodded back at him with a smile which he then returned. When Jaehyun started thrusting in and out of you, your eye contact didn’t break, and you were sure that right now, you were looking at the real Jaehyun at this very moment.

Not the guy you hated. Not the guy your best friend was dating. But instead the person who wanted to protect you from guys that only wanted to use you. A person who offered you company in class and shared his equipment with you. And a person whose cheekiness and affection he showed through childish acts because he didn’t know how to express his feelings otherwise.

This was not the person you were sure of knowing all along. Probably because you hadn’t even gotten to know him in the first place.

One arm now clung around his neck while with the other, you grabbed the pillow beside you. You threw your head back in excitement, his pushes coming in short intervals one after another, and he was hitting all the right spots with them.

Jaehyun propped his arms up to the left and right of him, lifting his upper body to gather all his strength in his groin area and stopped for a brief moment before he thrusted inside you with such force that it nearly knocked all air out of your lungs, and you couldn’t respond with anything else than moaning.

It felt so good, so… right. But how could something so wrong still feel so right?

Right now, you didn’t hate Jaehyun or your best friend the most, but yourself and the fact that you continued on and on. That you brought your hips up to meet his thrusts with hazy thoughts and his lips all over yours when he slowed down with his movements to dedicate himself to caressing your breasts.

You felt Jaehyun’s hot tongue swirling over your buds, and you shook under him. Not because it felt cold, but because his tender caresses just felt so good. You didn’t have the feeling that he could do anything wrong with whatever he carried out, that was your impression about how well your bodies meshed together.

No, you didn’t hate Jaehyun. You had always only hated how he had presented himself to you. But there was so much more to him.

Sweat droplets showed on his forehead when he continued with the hard thrusts again, the sound of you both breathing heavily mixing together with the sloppy noises of your bodies moving against each other filling the room, but no matter how messy sex was, it was the most romantic thing you had experienced in a long time.

Your eye contact also didn’t break when Jaehyun arose above you, his sweaty chest glistening in the dim light that shone through your windows, and increased his pace even more. When he dropped his head and bit his lip in the process, you wrapped your arms around him and added pressure to your nether regions as you felt him approaching his heights.

It felt very good to you too, but you were by any means not as far as him yet, so you didn’t blame him when he came only a short moment after with a groan that sounded sexy as hell to you.

You held him tightly when he fell limply onto your chest, still breathing heavily from the orgasm that slowly faded. Staring at the ceiling, you smiled with him in your arms, just enjoying the moment when Jaehyun moved away from you.

“We’re not done here yet,” you saw him grin as he laid himself next to you, rolled onto the side and placed his head in his palms as he propped his elbow against the mattress.

You wondered what was to come when you felt his finger tips dragging from your thighs to your navel, then lower again and stopped right at your most sensitive spot.

“Oh!” you let out as he placed two fingers on your folds and started moving them up and down with your remaining juices as lube that made the intense feeling kick in almost immediately.

You screamed when he added pressure and now directed circling motions around the sensitive bundle of nerves. From your half-closed eyes, you witnessed him looking at you with such admiration but also cheekiness as you writhed and wreathed under him, yet spread your legs even wider as release was so close.

Jaehyun leaned in to you, his fingers not letting go of the continuity as he half covered your body with his and just kissed you passionately. Like this, he encountered first hand how the orgasm took over you, and you moaned into his mouth, riding it out against his hand.

It felt like the most natural thing in the world when he wrapped his arms around you right after and pulled you onto his chest, and you drifted off into a slumber shortly after.

Even though the first tendencies of your bad consciousness set in before you closed your eyes, you decided that this would be the problem of tomorrow.

No, you didn’t hate Jung Jaehyun.

If anything, you should probably hate yourself.

___

“YES… YES… YESYESYES, OHMYGOD!”

You heard your friend from the other side of the wall, having rudely awakened you in the early morning hours. At least you thought so. But a glimpse at your phone through sleepy eyes told you that it was past 11am already.

Within a second, you were wide awake.

You were still naked, but the clothes on your floor only belonged to you, and the spot next to you in the bed was empty.

“OH!MY!GOD!.... YES! OH… OH.... AAAAH… OHOHOH… YES!!”

Jaehyun was gone. At least from your room.

Your best friend’s headboard constantly bumped against the wall, and you grabbed your pillow to cover your ears with it. You didn’t want to hear the sounds. Not because they stole your sleep, but because somehow, for the first time, you didn’t feel disturbed by the noise, but actually hurt.

In your mind, you imagined Jaehyun’s mesmerizing smile, the witty expression he was constantly wearing and his deep voice that had showed you for the first time last night that there was a certain softness within it.

You felt hurt, because you knew all the things from last night had been real between you two, yet he was still fucking your best friend mere hours later. What you had shared and felt had been special, yet he was still with her.

And suddenly, you felt hate again. But towards yourself. For betraying your best friend with him. But first and foremost, for betraying yourself.

You had never hated Jung Jaehyun.

You had always felt some certain kind of attraction towards him, but kept telling yourself you hated him to push him as far away from you as possible. If this wouldn’t be so wrong under these circumstances, this attraction would feel right and could blossom. But like this, you could never come to enjoy this feeling entirely.

Your relationship had been doomed from the very start, because given the wicked circumstances, you would never be able to form a healthy relationship. It was like a stain that would never vanish on a white sheet.

So you just decided to continue as usual. To keep this a secret between the both of you and just to carry on with your life.

And to hate Jung Jaehyun just a little more.

You just didn’t know how to feel and act towards your best friend without feeling so much… regret.

“Good morning.”

But the young man stepping out of your best friend’s room wasn’t Jaehyun. But Johnny.

You sat there in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, your mouth agape. And then it started to rattle in your head.

Lately, there were times when your best friend had screamed the name “Jaehyun!” loudly during the act. Those were the times you had actually seen him the next morning. But the nights she hadn’t screamed a certain name, no one had ever come out. And those times, you had counted more than the ones with Jaehyun in the past weeks, just when their loud arguments started on a nearly daily basis.

“Where’s Jaehyun?” you asked without greeting her good morning as you walked into her room.

“Oh, we had a fight last night,” she explained to you while getting herself dressed casually. “And then we broke up. I went away to be with Johnny after throwing him out, and we’ve only gotten back this morning. I hope he left last night already and didn’t stay here.”

“What?” you wondered.

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “I’ll get over it.”

“You actually already got over it as I’ve seen!”

“Oh, Johnny?”

“You’ve been fucking him for weeks already?” you provoked.

She shrugged again. “Perhaps a month… So what?”

You stood there, totally lost for words. “You’ve been crying about Jaehyun to me ever since you got together! That he flirted with other women, ditched you, went to parties and ignored you! And now you’re telling me you’ve been cheating on him for quite a while?! And this instagram story drama from last week?”

She sighed and flopped down onto the bed. “Okay, admittedly, I’m not an angel in this story, but he is by far neither! He was not. There were many things he has done wrong in the past. But then he actually started… doing nothing wrong. Being the picture perfect boyfriend without all these flaws and drama. And perhaps, this is not something that I want, so I started to look around elsewhere.”

“So…” You paused, still processing the shock. “Was it all an act? All the times you’ve cried to me over him lately while cheating behind his back?”

“Not an act, precisely,” she said reluctantly. “Yes, he explained every situation to me. And I was being dramatic over it for nothing, perhaps. I don’t know… I still enjoyed being with him though, but it just didn’t feel right anymore. I want to have men just… telling me I’m right, always coming back to me… what’s a relationship without fire? But Jaehyun didn’t want to do this anymore.”

In your head, you recalled everything that Jaehyun had told you. About there being two sides of the same coin, about you being so oblivious. All this time, he knew that she had cheated on him. He knew what you thought of him, yet he had never made a move to ever explain it to you.

But why?

“As he should,” you then stated. “How you treated him was awful!”

“Only because I cheated on him a few times?” she chuckled. “Come on!”

“I’m your best friend, and yet you lied to me! You twisted and turned stories so that you’d always be the one at right! But the truth is, you’re the bad person here. Not him.”

“Now what? He’s gone from our lives. Don’t care about him.”

But the truth was, you did. Now more than about her.

That was why, an hour later, you found yourself in front of his dorm. When he opened shortly after you had knocked, you stared at him, still gasping for air as you had run the entire way here, with all the memories from last night coming back with each step.

“She’s been cheating on you,” were the only words you brought out.

“I know.”

“For how long?” you asked.

“I assume for just as long.”

You breathed in heavily, not understanding a word. “But why did you stay with her?”

Jaehyun smiled meekly. “Because I don’t think I deserve a good person like you are.”

It ran hot and cold down your back. “I… I don’t understand.”

He leaned against the door frame with crossed arms, and even though he seemed uncomfortable talking about his feelings, he still did.

“I haven’t been the best boyfriend for her most times in this relationship, I admit this openly. We weren’t really good for each other and it destroyed me to the point that I wanted to change. But when I started being the boyfriend she had wished for, it wasn’t right either and she started cheating. So I just settled with it. Because I thought I screwed up to that point where I won’t be able to make anyone happy anymore and also don’t deserve the same in return. Even though I only wanted you...”

“You douche!” You stomped with your feet on the ground.

“What?” he returned perplexed with furrowed brows.

“Everyone deserves love and to love! And you’re not different from anyone else!”

His confusion got replaced with a mild smile. “You’re so kind, y/n. That’s one of the things I like the most about you. But you’re also oblivious.”

Jaehyun pulled out his phone, scrolled through his messenger and started playing a voice message from a very familiar person.

“Why do you even care about this bitch, Jaehyun?!” In the background, you heard music and other people talking. “She’s a stupid nerd, and I’ve only befriended her because she helps me studying and listens to my complains since we’re dorm mates, so don’t even waste a single thought about this party pooper!”

You stood there as though you had been rendered motionless. Your heart had dropped to your feet.

“This is from last night when I quickly went outside again to check whether you rode away safely with your uber and she couldn’t find me directly. That’s why we argued and broke up. No, it’s not the first time she’s talked about you like this.” He put his phone away. “I thought letting you hate me would make it easier for a kind person like you to keep their distance from someone like me. Because, in the end, I will only hurt you too. But the more I started to genuinely like you, the more I felt protective towards you. I couldn’t see her speaking about you like this anymore.”

Your breathing came in hitches as your whole world suddenly crashed over you. Your best friend wasn’t your best friend. She had probably never been.

You stumbled backwards, and Jaehyun stepped forward to grab you by your arm, but you pulled it away.

“I…. I just…” you stuttered. “I have to… talk to her.”

“Sure.”

The whole way home, you only cried.

Not over Jaehyun, but over the betrayal of someone you had considered your best friend, yet had hurt you in the most painful way like no man ever could. And the fact that you had been an asshole to her to the same extent after having slept with her boyfriend the same night they had broken up was probably the final straw.

You were no saint here. You had added to your both’s downfall just as much. And it hurt much more than any heartbreak you had experienced so far.

You had to sort your life out and right now, and amongst this chaos there was no place for Jaehyun in your life.

____

You put the last vase with dried flowers on your shelf, stepped backwards to your room’s door and inspected the final set up.

“Finished!” you praised yourself.

It had taken you three months to move to a new dorm, but this was your last step to a new chapter in your life.

You hadn’t had contact with your former best friend ever since your final conversation in which you had handed the keys over to her. The many conversations before had only consisted of screams, accusations and tears.

She had admitted to saying all those things about you, but also to genuinely have come like you. You weren’t so sure whether that was real or one of her lies again. You had admitted to sleeping with Jaehyun, and she would have forgiven you for that as she hadn’t been really in love with him anymore at this point, but you were sure you didn’t want either in your life anymore.

Your best friend because she had hurt you deeply, and Jaehyun because of your burdensome history. All of you had done so many wrong things, and you were only a bundle of toxic people together, so chaotic that you were better off apart from each other.

But you didn’t want to be this toxic kind of person anymore. So you moved out and left your old life behind.

You didn’t go to that class with Jaehyun anymore, and although you missed him, the touches of your joint night still present on your skin sometimes, you wanted to move on from even the mere imaginations of him as well. You were sure that you’d find a guy just like him, but you missed him wherever you went and couldn’t help but ask yourself “what if?”

The fact that he hadn’t reached out to you either made it easier, and as summer break came and passed, and the new semester started, you had kissed two news guys already, made a new friend group and were just overall happy.

But you still missed Jaehyun dearly and all the possibilities of what could have happened if only your timing had been right in life. Even if he wasn’t the right one for you.

“Is this seat taken?”

And then, one day, there he was again. Taking the seat next to you as though no time had ever passed between the two of you, smiling that mesmerizing smile you didn’t hate.

You only stared at him, and his kind expression didn’t break. When you moved your head to the front again where the professor introduced himself, you couldn’t help but to smile too. Because this wasn’t the expression of a bad person.

People changed, and just like good traits could turn into bad traits, a bad person could turn into a good one also. And they all deserved a second chance.

You had only known the Jaehyun from your best friend’s perspective, and then also his body. But even though you had gotten a glimpse of the real Jaehyun here and there, you didn’t quite know him entirely yet.

But you wanted to. The good, the bad, the real. Jaehyun wasn’t the right one for you, but such a thing didn’t exist. What mattered were only your feelings.

Because in fact, you didn’t hate Jung Jaehyun. At all.

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rocorambles · 3 years

Text

Jealousy

Pairing: Atsumu x Reader (Main), Osamu x Reader (Side)

Genre/Warnings: Yandere, NSFW, Rape/Non-Con, Misuse of Duct Tape, Non-Con Bondage, Forced Breeding, Forced Impregnation, Delusional Mindset

Summary: Atsumu is determined to prove that he’s the better twin for you.

The first time Atsumu meets you he doesn’t remember you so much as he gets stuck on the fact that Osamu is dating someone. Osamu is fucking dating someone and Atsumu is still here single and alone in his late twenties, not a girl anywhere even in sight. It makes him livid as he stares at the identical face gently smiling at you, affectionately holding your hand, looking so damn happy and content.

What does he have that Atsumu doesn’t? A successful food chain? Cool. But is he a pro-athlete? A medal winning Olympic athlete? One of the best setters in the country? In the world? It’s infuriating to think about and as much as Atsumu loves volleyball, even he dreams of love, marriage, a family of his own late at night when he’s alone on a hotel bed, only Sakusa’s breathing from the other bed in the room keeping him company.

And those thoughts consume him long after he bids farewell to Osamu and you and suddenly the MSBY Jackals are in an uproar as every team member takes turns being sexiled by their blond setter when they’re off at their away games, as Atsumu nonchalantly strolls into the locker rooms to prep for practice, back littered with scratch marks that Bokuto tries to shield from Hinata’s eyes when the orange haired athlete curiously asks when Atsumu got a cat.

Girl after girl walks in and out of his bed, his life. Most never lasting more than a night, a few returning for a couple more rounds in the bedsheets, one even manages to interest him enough to grab a cup of coffee with. But it’s the same verdict every time. He’s good enough to fool around with and he’s great in bed, but Miya Atsumu is not husband material, not when he’s already married to volleyball.

The rejection only fuels his inner turmoil and the green eyed monster inside of him grows and grows, festering and spreading throughout him the more he stops attempting his futile attempts and instead turns his energy to loitering around Osamu and you, inviting himself over for dinners after practice, trying his hand at helping you in the kitchen for brunch on the weekends, crashing in your guest bedroom to the point that Osamu and you gift him a spare key to your shared home.

Neither of you think much of it, Osamu joking to you privately that this is just Atsumu being the needy emotional brother he really is while you’re just glad to be able to get to know Osamu’s family better. So none of you notice how brown eyes inquisitively trail after the both of you, watching how the two of you seamlessly work out both your hectic lives, never letting the long hours at your job or Osamu’s restaurant get in the way of your relationship, always directing a warm smile or gaze at the other despite how obviously exhausted or far away from a good mood you’re in.

And Atsumu lets himself believe that this could be his as he hungrily stares at the way you gently caress his brother’s hand, the affection in your gaze as you tenderly kiss him on the lips, the playful wink you give his twin when you tell him you’re getting ready for bed. He lets himself dream that it’s him who you direct those loving gazes to as you cheerfully greet him in the morning, handing him a coffee made just the way he likes it, placing a plate full of delicious piping hot food in front of him. He lets his hand wander down his shorts at night, straining to hear every detail, every decibel of your moans as Osamu and you make love at night, closing his eyes and stroking his cock as he imagines it’s him who’s forcing those beautiful cries from your mouth.

But it’s not all a picture perfect paradise and Atsumu carefully listens in, alerted by the raising voices he hears through the walls as more and more time passes by. He’d noticed the growing tension in the house, noticed how the two of you were less affectionate, almost awkwardly shuffling around each other when both of you were home from work these past few months. But he couldn’t think of what could have caused both of you to act so strangely, so suddenly, when everything had seemed so swell.

Curiosity has him placing his ear on the wall and he winces when he hears you shout, anger and hurt in your voice that makes his heart clench painfully, asking when Osamu was going to propose, telling his brother how you’re sick of waiting, how you want to get married and have kids soon. Something shattering inside of him when your voice becomes small and hesitant.

“I thought that’s what you wanted too, Osamu. Isn’t that why we decided to start living together?”

He expects his brother to leap at the opportunity, to reassure you, yes, absolutely yes, we can get married right away. He knows that if their positions were switched, that’s what he would be doing. But his jaw drops in disbelief, morphing into a scowl when Osamu pleads for you to calm down, to be patient.

“I do want that. But just not right now.”

“If not now, when? We’re not getting any younger, Osamu.”

“But my chain is in talks of expanding and there’s so much going on. I just don’t have time-”

There’s a heavy silence as Osamu is quick to snap his mouth shut and Atsumu knows he’s cursing himself for the slip of his tongue, already knows the next words that are going to come out of your mouth, words he himself is all too familiar with from his own past failed relationships.

“You just don’t have time for us? Me?”

“That’s not what I meant…”

But it’s too late and Atsumu flinches when he hears loud angry movement, Osamu’s voice imploring you to calm down and stop what you’re doing to no avail as you stomp out of the house, slamming the front door behind you as you make your way to a friend’s house to spend the night apart.

No one speaks of that night after you return to the house the next day and the three of you continue as normal. Or at least as normal as you can be after an unresolved disagreement that your relationship ultimately hinges around continues ticking like a time bomb in everyone’s minds. And it finally counts down to zero when Osamu packs his bags and plants a cold chaste kiss on your lips before heading to the airport and making his way to seal the deal on the restaurant expansion that’s taken over his entire life.

Maybe it’s Atsumu’s fault that the two of you are drunk out of your minds, sprawled out on the living room floor. Scratch that. It’s definitely Atsumu’s fault and he drunkenly smiles at how out of it you are, heart warming at the giddy genuine smile spread across your face, happiness in your eyes that he hasn’t seen ever since that argument Osamu and you had. And oh, he didn’t mean to say that out loud and he panics, quickly sobering up when your smile falls at his words, eyes glazed in reminiscence as you think of that night.

Atsumu isn’t known for his patience, but he waits, not uttering a single word, not moving an inch as you open yourself up to him, telling him your hopes and dreams that so closely match his own of a loving relationship, marriage, family, sharing about the argument Osamu and you had (unknowing of the fact that Atsumu already knows far more than he should). But when you frustratedly laugh at yourself, asking him rhetorically if you’re just being silly and naive, if you’re just a grown woman trying to fulfill a little girl’s childish dream, you’re stunned by the fierce denial from the blonde athlete determinedly staring at you.

“No. You’re not being silly or naive. ‘Samu’s being the idiot. Any man would be lucky and proud to have you as his wife and to create a family with you.”

Those words resonate with you, linger in your mind, further branded into your memory by the sheer sincerity Atsumu drowned them in. And maybe that’s why you find it impossible to play house anymore, find it impossible to live a forced and fake lie when you’re not truly happy anymore. It’s hard, heartbreakingly so, to part ways with the silver haired man when he still holds a part of your heart, but it’s for the best. Why continue when neither of you are on the same page in the long run? Why waste more precious years when you can actively work towards your desired future with someone else who wants the same things as you?

It’s logical. It makes sense. And yet when you meet up with Atsumu at his apartment for dinner one night to catch up a few months or so after the break up you’re still doubting your decision.

You had been surprised the blond setter had been so adamant about keeping in touch even after his brother and you separated, but if you’re honest, he’s surprisingly sweet and caring, someone you consider a true friend. So as awkward as it might seem to outsiders, the two of you remain in close contact and you happily agree to his invite when both your busy schedules finally match up.

But as much as you like Atsumu, the two of you really need to stop drinking so much when you see each other and you let out a cry of frustration when your eyes immediately tear up when Atsumu casually asks how you’re doing as both of you sprawl out on his couch, trying to wave away his worried face as he hovers far too close to you, telling him it’s just the alcohol making you more emotional than usual.

And you still blame all the drinks he had generously kept refilling for you for the way you sob and cling onto him as he wraps you in a tight hug, telling him how you worry all the time about whether or not you made the right decision to break up with Osamu, whether or not you’re ever going to find someone else, ever going to get married, ever going to have that dream romance you’ve always wanted, ever going to have the happy full family you’ve always yearned for.

It all comes out of you so easily. But everything with Atsumu has always come easy and you don’t think much of it, finding comfort in his solid presence as he continues to hold you, letting him readjust and find a comfortable position-

You scramble to separate from him when lips tenderly meet yours, limbs flailing as you shove the man away from you, eyes comically wide open as you stare agape at Atsumu.

“What are you- We can’t- No no no. All of this is wrong. This would KILL Osamu-”

Something inside of Atsumu snaps when he hears his brother’s name from your lips. Even after all this time, you’re still thinking of him? You still care about him? When the better twin is right in front of your fucking face?

He doesn’t even register he’s shouting those questions in your face, barely registering your terrified eyes as you try to shrink away from him. But your movement of pulling away from him snaps him back to reality and reflexes has his hand twisting in your hair, grabbing you by your roots, fury making him numb to the way you desperately claw at his grip as he drags you to his bedroom.

You’re too focused on soothing your aching skull when he finally releases you by throwing you onto his bed and pitiful tears stream down your face as you gingerly hold your head, ignorant of how the athlete is rummaging through his closet. In hindsight you’ll wonder why you didn’t try to run while his back was turned, although you already know the answer. This is just Atsumu in one of his moods. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He’ll apologize in just a second. Those are the thoughts fleeting through your mind amidst the sore ache Atsumu has left behind.

But a warning bell rings relentlessly inside of you as you finally look up when you sense him approaching you, a thick roll of silver duct tape in his hands.

Had Atsumu always looked so...intimidating?

You try to fight back as you’re suddenly pinned to the bed by a muscular body, flailing and thrashing as calloused hands hold your arms above your hand, tightly wrapping your wrists together, looping extra lengths of the tape around the headboard, securely fastening your arms up and out of the way. But it’s useless, pathetic really, although Atsumu thinks there’s something adorable about how hard you’re trying, only to be easily batted away by his much stronger body as he tears off your clothes and bends your knees, taping your calves to your thighs, one side at a time until both your legs are bound.

And then there’s silence and stillness other than your wriggling tied form as Atsumu sits back and admires the view of your naked body, reality so much more lucious and gorgeous than he had ever imagined. You struggle against your tight restraints, recoiling as brown eyes leer at you, ravenously devouring the sight of your heaving breasts, raking down your figure before finally landing on your bare pussy on full display as his hands spread your bound legs on either side of you, palms searing your inner thighs with their unwanted warmth as he holds you open.

One day he won’t need the resilient tape to hold you down and keep you still. One day you’ll let him have you of your own free will. One day you’ll see that he was always the one for you. But he can’t help but feel that there’s something breathtaking about how vulnerable and pretty you are, laid out for him like a wrapped present, something filthily attractive about how striking the silver stripes are against your skin.

One day he won’t need the resilient tape...but that doesn’t mean he'll stop using it.

You shudder as he trails his fingers over the duct tape, grinning at you all the while.

“Can’t have you moving too much if I’m going to breed you. You’ll make all my cum spill out of you.”

He tsks when you frantically struggle at his words, pathetic begs and pleads spilling from your lips as dread fills you from learning exactly what Atsumu has planned for you and suddenly you��re all too aware of just how exposed you are, how tight the front of his pants look as his erection presses against the fabric, how far too close he is to your most intimate part. And you sob as he leans on top of you, pressing his toned body against yours, something hard pressing against your bare pussy as he captures your lips in a kiss to silence you.

“I thought you would be more thankful considering how you were practically in my arms begging me for kids not even a hour ago. And now I’m here ready to give you what you want and you’re making such a fuss.”

He rolls his eyes, scoffing as you only sob even harder, body shaking and trembling, sniveling as you stare up at him with teary eyes, begging him to stop.

“Oh shut up. What? Are you worried about the order of things? Worried I’ll just knock you up and leave you alone? Don’t be stupid. I’ll make sure to put a ring on your finger and marry you after this. Who cares about the order of things when the end result is the same.”

Your mouth opens and shuts a few times, unsure where to even begin telling him just how wrong his reasoning is, unsure how to even process his words. Ring? Marry? What-

But thoughts fly out of your head when a hungry mouth suddenly descends on your breasts, harshly sucking a nipple between wet lips, fingers roughly twisting and pulling at your other nipple and you wail at the jolt of sudden stimulation, too focused on the tongue lapping at your nipples and lances of arousal swirling inside of you to notice how his free hand is shoving his pants and boxers down and off.

You hate how quick you are to melt into the delirious pleasure, body craving for the touch of another, to be brought to new heights by another after being left to your own devices for the past few months and you can feel your pussy clench and throb, feeling so exposed and empty, practically begging to be stuffed full as slick begins to form between your legs. And as if Atsumu can hear your body’s silent cry for more, he begins to push the tip of his cock inside of you and your back arches, mouth instinctively opening as he takes his time, pressing past your tight opening, slipping further and further inside of you until he’s finally fully sheathed inside of you, letting your body adjust to him as he continues licking and sucking on your breasts, groaning as he feels your tight walls clamp around him with every move of his mouth.

Atsumu is not known for his patience, but he tries his damn best to take it as slow as he bearably can for you, dragging his cock back and forth against your gummy walls, constantly adjusting the angle of his hips with every stroke until you’re crying out, and he smirks triumphantly, memorizing the exact position and angle that has you seeing stars as he continuously hits that spongy spot inside of you. And all it takes is for his hand to slide between the two of you and gently circle your clit as he continues his steady assault to have you breaking to pieces underneath him, garbled versions of his name escaping your mouth as your orgasm washes over you in heavy tall waves, his own release joining with yours as your pussy convulses and milks him of his sticky white liquid.

As post-coital bliss disintegrates, shame and relief flood through you, shame for enjoying it, relief that this ordeal is finally over and you wait. Wait for him to remove the tape. Wait for him to pull out of you. Grimacing as he affectionately nuzzles you and litters your face with kisses. But you panic, pure fear flooding through you when you feel his cock twitching inside of you once more, growing inside of you again.

“You didn’t think we were done, did you? Need to make sure I fill you with so much cum that your body has no choice but to get pregnant.”

And he stays true to his words, fucking you over and over again, sometimes hard and rough, sometimes passionate and sensual, sometimes soft and gentle, but always finishing inside of you, adding to the splattered pooling mess inside of you. You feel disgusting, the increasingly wet noises as he thrusts in and out of the sticky wet mess inside of you permeating throughout the room, stomach feeling so bloated with cum that you swear you must be pregnant already.

Quiet, relieved sobs wrack your body when the weight on top of you finally lifts, when he finally pulls out of you and your body slumps down, all the tension leaving it, discomfort taking its place as you feel a torrent of liquid move to rush out of your overfilled cunt, the beginnings of it already starting to trickle out. But despite your aching dry throat, you manage to let out a strangled cry of disbelief when your hips are uncomfortably raised up, upper body almost folded in half as Atsumu keeps your glistening pussy upright, not allowing even a single drop more to escape.

And in this new position you have no choice but to watch, anxiety coursing through you when he tears off another piece of duct tape, chest hyperventilating as he places it over your gaping hole, effectively sealing you shut and despite the fact that you thought you had no more tears left to shed, new salty teardrops slide down your cheeks at the debauched site of your own pussy being treated as nothing more than an object, a receptacle for his seed, his beaming smug face between your legs only adding to your humiliation as he smiles down at his handiwork.

All you can do is mindlessly stare when he directs his smile at you, verbally praising himself for how smart he is for finding a way to keep his cum inside of you and making sure all his hard work doesn’t go to waste, mind and body feeling numb and broken as he finally lets your body lay fully back on the bed, slumping down next to you in exhaustion and cuddling your listless and still bound figure.

“We can go pick out rings together tomorrow, okay? Maybe try a few more times for some runts after. You think the more I cum in you, the better the chance that you’ll have twins?”

You don’t know, but you have a sinking feeling that you’ll soon be finding out.

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delu-jean · 3 years

Text

𝐈𝐬 𝐇𝐞 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐞? (𝐏𝐭 𝟐)

(Akaashi x fem!/reader) -> Angst/Fluff? -> 3.2k

Synopsis: Akaashi is strolling through Tokyo, and on that day, meets a boy who looks all too familiar. One whose eyes remind him of you.

Part One: Is He Mine?

Part Three: Is Her Mine? (Part. 3)

Notes: Part two as promised! Maybe I’ll make a part three (haha >:)). Be sure to comment if you would liked to be tagged for the next part, and reblogs are always appreciated.

-> Also, for those tagged in this post, I’ll tag you in the next as well ^^

“Y/n...please tell me.”

“T-tell you what?” you asked nervously, as he felt just the same. Inhaling his breath, hoping he could keep calm.

“Is...is he mine?”

---

“Is he who’s?”

“Mine Y/n...is he mine?”

You stared at the gentleman. Though his question was reasonable (?), that was the first thing he was going to ask you?...after all of those years?...years of torment, resentment, and whatever else. Maybe you were overreacting, but yet again, you were a woman who stood by her morals. And that being the case, your instincts had said your reaction was as reasonable as his question.

Some part of you wanted to snap. To holler at Akaashi for asking such a ridiculous question, yet the other part...was scared. You felt anxious when thinking of a proper answer. Was Ryu his?.... If taken out of context, he could’ve been asking if Ryu belonged to him, and of course he didn’t. Ryu wasn’t an object that could be owned by merely anyone. He was his own person, and that being the case, wasn’t something that could’ve been held down. Yet even though you could’ve interpreted it that way, you knew what Akaashi really meant. Yet you didn’t exactly have an answer.

“Ryu?”

“Yeah...”

Akaashi seemed suspicious. He could tell you were hiding something, and even though very obvious, he didn’t want to assume. Hoping that you would confirm things so that you both could talk it out. Yet here you were, not giving him a response. He was confused to say the least, shouldn’t the answer have been easy? Ryu looked exactly like him, and plus, him not having a father was another takeaway. Using those facts should’ve given him enough confirmation.

But then again, maybe the answer wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been. What if Ryu wasn’t his?...what if Akaashi had made an assumption out of impulse, because of a lingering feeling he had. One of which you sparked for him to feel.

Maybe he was being delusional, and instead, was trying to make an excuse. An excuse to spend another minute, even a second with you there. Ryu was important to him as well. His or not, he respected that you had started a family, and was glad Ryu was a part of it. He adored Ryu, but he also admired you. Speaking of Ryu, the boy then clung onto you. He seemed confused about the interaction, and tried asking for clarification.

“His? *GASP* Am I Akaashi’s brother!? Momma, you never told me!” he smiled happily, ecstatic at the news.

“Eh-no dear, he’s not your brother,” you chuckled, for him to ask:

“Then what did he mean? What did you mean, Akaashi?” you then stared at Akaashi. You knew he was smart enough to play things through, and even so, you still panicked the slightest bit.

“I was wondering if you would be mine for the night, along with your mother. We could go grab dinner, or ice cream even,” you looked at him in shock as his eyes seemed determined. Needing an answer, and willing to get it in whatever scenario possible.

“But what about Kuroo?”

“Oh my, I forgot about that,” you then glanced at your watch.

“Kuroo?...but how-oh….” Akaashi then thought about how you and Kuroo were very close friends. So close that sometimes, he would even find you hanging out with Kuroo, over himself. Though it wasn’t because you liked him (in that way), rather, you were both very good friends. Akaashi let it be since you both had mutual trust, and Kuroo was someone he was also friends with. Besides, Akaashi also respected your personal life with others, and so did you for him.

They still talked till this day, and not once had Kuroo mentioned you having a child. But to be fair, Kuroo never mentioned you. That being because both you and Akaashi had broken up, and it would’ve been an uncomfortable topic. Still, Akaashi found it strange. If Kuroo knew, wouldn’t Bokuto have as well?...meaning that Akaashi would’ve known by now? His thoughts continued to trail as you looked at him in disbelief.

You did have plans with Kuroo, but then, you also had a couple hours until he’d come around. Even so, you didn’t want to spend that time with Akaashi. He was one of the last people you needed to talk to. The grudge which still stood in your heart, clenched with each second he stood there. The anger which he had gifted you, was something that was eager to return. As you had thought this, you then stared at your son. He seemed thrilled to be with such a man, as he gripped onto Akaashi’s hand in excitement, saying:

“Yay! We get to eat together!”

“We’re going to have so much fun!”

“Let’s try some bubble waffles!”

You then remembered that even if you had felt that, your son instead felt joy being with Akaashi. And that being the case, you didn’t have the right to take that happiness away. After all, Ryu was not yours either. He wasn’t someone you could drag away from events, just because you had conflicts with a person. Though there were times where doing so was appropriate, was now really such an event?...not even you could answer that. But even though you couldn’t, his smile which brightened the mood, had answered for you.

“Okay buddy, slow down. Fine, we can go with brother...Akaashi. We’ll meet Kuroo sometime later, just let me text him.”

“Okay mom! Akaashi, Up!” you then eyed the boy, for him to insist regardless.

“Please mom! He’s so tall, and I can see everything-”

“Ryu no-”

“Sure, what not?” Akaashi then grabbed the boy, placed him on his shoulders, and secured his legs with his hands. You then sighed. If Akaashi had agreed, what could you do? You then texted Kuroo, grabbing your bag firmly as Akaashi spoke:

“I know a place where we could grab ramen. If not, we could instead-”

“No, ramen is fine,” you said in a stoic tone.

“Okay...then let’s get going.”

---

The walk to the outdoor stand was awkward. Well...for you and Akaashi at least. The last time you two spoke, was the day he broke things off. He never reached out to you during that time, and now...here you both were. Expected to have a lengthy conversation, and to enjoy yourselves. Key word, “expected.” Though it would’ve been nice if you both could have talked care free, it wasn’t going to happen. That event occurred when both parties have mutually moved on. From Akaashi’s perspective, he still had lingering thoughts, yet kept them to the side. Going on with his life as he expected you did yours. Though he thought you had moved on, you had thought differently for different reasons.

Even though you both had your differences, Ryu was there. Entertaining the both of you separately. He complimented you one second, and played with Akaashi the next. You had never seen Akaashi so enthusiastic with a child before. Though he wasn’t going all crazy, and acting like a kid himself, he was being a lot more open. Talking back and forth with Ryu, giving nice remarks, and also rewarding him...with that beautiful smile he bestowed.

Even so, you tried to ignore it. Remembering that this entire ordeal was for Ryu, and not for your observations.

“We’re here. What do you want Ryu?”

“Hm, could I get the one with Tonkatsu? I’ve been craving it all day!”

“Haha, sure buddy. And...you, Y/n?”

“I’m not hungry, you guys go ahead,” Akaashi then sighed, obviously not believing you.

“We’ll get two Tonkatsu ramens, along with Fukuoka ramen.”

“Sure, that’ll be $18.35 please.”

“Debit-”

“Um...I can pay for both Ryu and I,” you said, as you tried scrambling for your wallet. Akaashi then tapped the machine, placing his hand on your own (the hand in your purse).

“It’s fine. Afterall, I already paid,” you shook your head, but let it go as Ryu pointed to a table.

“Come on! Let’s sit!”

---

“Akaashiii~!”

“What is Ryu?”

“How do you know mommy? Mommy would never talk to a stranger, so that means you both know each other.”

“Oh...well, um,” Ryu was truly a bright child. One who caught on a little too quickly. He really did remind you of his father. Quick witted, yet wise with his tongue. Being certain to use specific words or sentences, to ensure/secure his curiosities.

“Well...mommy and Akaashi were very good friends,” you replied.

“Ahhh. So if that’s the case, why have I never met him before?”

“Well you see-”

“It’s because I live further away from you guys,” Akaashi answered.

“But so does Kuroo,” Akaashi then pondered, and placed his hands together.

“Hm, I guess you’re right. Well, maybe your mother has an answer,” the two black haired boys, then stared at you. Both were awaiting for an answer, and yet both had different intentions. One wondering out of pure curiosity, while the other...was waiting for an explanation. One which could clear up any, if not every misconception.

“Well sweetie, sometimes good friends have to part ways. Everyone has their reasons, but most of the time…” you then looked at Akaashi.

“It’s because it’s for the better,” his gaze was locked onto yours. The stare was unreadable. It didn’t feel tense, yet it was. Was it cold, hurtful?...you wouldn’t have known. But what you did know was that Akaashi was good, too good at hiding his thoughts. So good that when together, he would let things slip without reaction. Sometimes that was a great thing...and others...not so much.

“Why would it be a good thing? You both were best friends!” you then placed a hand on his head, patting it gently.

“Well...friends have to grow up. That doesn’t mean you can’t see them again, but, what it does mean is that you’ll have some time...alone. And that time...is used for you to grow.”

“Ahh, I see mom! Is that why we don’t see Kuroo often?”

“Haha, no sweetie. That’s actually because we live further away. If Kuroo lived in our city-”

“He would be living with us, right?”

“Hm...I guess so,” Akaashi then looked in the other direction. There was no tint of emotion, just...silence.

“Akaashiiii, the ramen is here!”

“Oh, is it Ryu?”

“Yeah, it is!” your bowls were then slid over. Ryu stared at Akaashi’s hands, and at first, Akaashi wasn’t sure as to why. Ryu didn’t touch his food, and at first, he was worried that the boy didn’t like it, but then noticed he was holding a pair of scissors. Pointing them towards the gentleman. Though confused, he then caught onto Ryu’s gesture.

“Dear I can-” before you could finish your sentence, Akaashi started to cut his noodles. Making them bit size for the boy. It seemed like second hand nature, yet something new to him. Though, you would’ve felt more comfortable doing it yourself, you weren’t complaining as the job was now done.

“Thanks Akaashi!”

“No problem Ryu. Now, let’s eat.”

---

You all then finished your ramen. Though you had said you weren’t hungry, you couldn’t help but eat it. After all of those years, Tonkatsu ramen was still your favourite, and Akaashi still knew. He was glad that he remembered the littlest of details. Ones which may have been overlooked. Ones he made sure to be attentive to. Not only that, but he was glad Ryu had enjoyed the meal as well. He truly was your son as he had the same tastes as you. Akaashi found it quite cute, and found it even more adorable as he ran out of the restaurant, shouting:

“Mom, Akaashi! I want to play at the park!”

“Hm...it’s a little late buddy,” Akaashi said, for you to respond:

“It should be fine. We’ll be over here watching Ryu. No funny business young man!”

“Okay mommy!” the young boy then climbed the slide, as Akaashi sat on the bench. Patting on it, indicating that you sat beside him. And so...you did. Your legs together, hands as well, as your head looked down. He then sighed, asking:

“Do you feel uncomfortable? I can move if-”

“No...it’s fine. We’ll be leaving soon, so no need to worry.”

“Is Kuroo picking you up?” you then nod as he did the same.

“I see...so...how have you been?”

“Oh...um...I’ve been okay. I’ve done better, but...yeah.”

“Hm, I see,” you really didn’t want to be in this situation. Maybe for him, it seemed civil, but to you...it was awkward. Neither of you knew what to say, and neither did you try to hide it (successfully at least). Akaashi then twitteled with his thumbs. A rare sight you would see every once in a while. Akaashi was a well spoken person, and usually had something to say in a well mannered way. But when he didn’t, or didn’t know what to say, he would play with his thumbs. Hoping that something would spring to mind.

“You must be having fun.”

“Fun doing what?” he looked at you.

“Playing with your thumbs,” you smirked, for him to put his hands away.

“Not really.”

“Hm...so...what have you been up to?” you asked, curious and yet not wanting to know.

“Nothing much...just work and well, Bokuto and I still hang out from time to time.”

“Ahh, really? I’m glad. You both were the bestest of friends.”

“And still are,” he smiled, while watching Ryu climb the monkey bars.

“Hm, you have a girlfriend yet?” he then paused for a moment, for him to answer:

“No...not yet. I haven’t found anyone interesting.”

“Ah, that’s unfortunate.”

Was it really?...you wouldn’t know how to think after today. If you hadn’t met Akaashi here...you would’ve thought otherwise. Glad that he hadn't found someone else, for his actions sickened you. Such a gentleman, yet someone so cruel. You would feel awful if he had grasped someone, just as tightly as he did to you. Sprinkling you with such intoxicating, yet graceful pleas, and yet he left you there to rot in such doing. Such a passionate man, yet that same person could find passion in such coldness.

For the past years, you had found him to be utterly despicable. After that one event...you couldn’t help but think that. But even so, after seeing him with Ryu today...you couldn’t help but melt. The two were so sweet together, and even though you hated to admit, had a spectacular relationship within just hours. They really acted as the best of friends, and Akaashi seemed to enjoy it. Not only that...but his smile...it was one which was truly admirable.

You then stared at Akaashi, while he watched Ryu. He really hadn’t changed. He was calm, quiet, and reserved. His posture was on parr with the rest of his body. His hair was styled more neatly, and actually, it had grown a bit, along with his height. His figure, a lot larger than what it was in university, and his cologne smelled of lavender, along with a hint of pepper. It was a strange combination, but it worked. He really had grown up to be even more attractive. And that being the case, it surprised you that he didn’t have a partner. Said attractiveness, along with the kindness of his nature...had drawn you in, and yet dragged you out. Leaving you in a confused, and undecided state of mind.

He then took note of your stare, and grinned. Secretly glad that your attention had averted towards him, yet, he was trying to be subtle. You truly looked astonishing tonight. Even after a couple of years, you still looked the same. That same highschooler who he had fallen in love with, the one who had constantly supported both him, and Fukurodani. The only person who truly understood such a stoic man. That same girl he would forever hold a place in his heart for. Although, now you weren’t just a sweet girl, but now, a beautiful lady instead.

Deep down, he would’ve wished for a space to open. Allowing such a lady to make way into his heart. Hoping said lady, would do the same. And maybe, just maybe...a prince could join you both as well. Making his thoughts come true in the utmost blessed way.

He made sure you didn’t catch onto his stare, the one which he had latched onto you. His attempts were taken very seriously, as he didn’t want to make things too obvious. Unfortunately, you did catch him in the act, and turned away, embarrassed.

“Hm,” he smirked, as you fished for your phone.

Kuroo ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ

-> ‘Are you still coming?’

-> ‘Of course. Sorry, traffic delays. I should be there in ten.’

-> ‘Okay...see you soon’

You were about to turn of your phone, to then see Kuroo text:

-> ‘Also...don’t worry too much. You can do this Y/n, good luck, and I’ll be there soon.’

You then smiled, and Akaashi took note, thinking:

‘She’s probably talking to her…ah...’ he sighed at the thought, to then ask:

“Are you talking to your husband?...you seem happy,” he smiled. Even though smiling was a happy gesture, he couldn’t help but make it the opposite. Making his grin, feel ever so agonizing.

“Ah...well...that was Kuroo,” Akaashi then batted a brow, surprised to say the least. He’d only seen that look on you when you were vulnerable. Whether you were scared, or secretly happy. Regardless, that was only around him...not even Kuroo had seen such a stare. But now that he saw you in such a state, it made him question if you, and Kuroo were in a relationship. That being the reason why he never brought it up, and vice versa.

“Oh...I see. So that means,” Akaashi then started to think. Yes, the younger child looked like him, but then, there was also resemblance between both Ryu, and Kuroo. They both had black hair, Ryu had a peckish, yet sweet smile (like Kuroo...minus the sweet-), and the bits of information fit logically. If you and Kuroo had Ryu, it would’ve made sense.

Both childhood friends who had grown together, to then realize what they wanted after he...had left you. Starting a family, and being with each other?.... Ryu looked like he could’ve been Kuroo's, or anyone for that matter. But even if Akaashi would have liked to think that way, the connection was too uncanny to deny.

Even so, Akaashi was still suspicious. Wondering as to why Ryu would be so reluctant towards his father. Why he would call “Kuroo,” well…”Kuroo,” and just as to why you both lived so far away. Maybe you both had a situation?...but then again, wasn’t Kuroo on his way to pick you up? Akaashi was confused, and felt like he was over-thinking things. Maybe Ryu wasn’t his...and Akaashi was instead looking for something...that wasn’t there...nor his to compensate.

“That means what?...” he then locked his eyes, with yours. Though he was someone who was hard to read, you could tell how desperate he was. His stare, piercing right at you, hoping he could get an answer.

“Y/n...could you please tell me...if he’s...mine?” you then saw the sorrowful expression, which struck him. The guilt which seeped in, had dug even further. Not sure how to tell him, nor how to phrase things. Your hands clenched, inhaling slowed, as your body trembled. He seemed just as scared for your response, to then hear:

“He’s-”

“He’s mine, Akaashi...Ryu is mine,” Kuroo said, for silence to then fill.

For Those Who Wanted To Be Tagged/Reblogged/Wanted A Part Two! ^^ :

@bokutojuicyass; @realbugmom; @exactlygreatlove; @instantdinosaurhottub; @suchagoodgirlxoxo; @nomadicadventures; @greenhoodie-mark; @n5koma; @animclarinerd; @personalficarchive; @sabrinakishi; @amecchii; @daffodilpetals; @lerougestvelvet; @notamazinglizzy; @akaashimarryme5; @m00ndust2

->Sorry to those who tags aren’t working qwq

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