#okay i actually want to rant a bit 😭 - not advised to read this because then you might get brain damage

[catastrxblues]

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#okay i actually want to rant a bit 😭 - not advised to read this because then you might get brain damage #because oh my god??????? weird #(was going to write an entire diary but nvm here’s the gist of it) #basically i was coming home from this chem thing right #i used the train as i always do when it comes to this. and because the new station just got a shiny renovation it is now connected to the #new mall in front of it (we have two now it’s an addition to the first one). and guess what 😭 #i had to go in and get to the first mall because my dad said he’d just pick me up at the lobby instead of the bus stop in front of #the station entrance right. #and when i was on the elevator going up on a call with my mom about food orders 😭 #the guy i used to have a very very VERY heavy crush on in middle grade got to the elevator leading down just as i was on the landing 😭😭 #and i had to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating so as he was descending and his back turned to me i examined the back of his head and i’m #pretty sure it was him. curiosity killed the cat i should’ve remembered that shit because you know what my stupid ass did?? #i was already walking away on my way to cross to the first mall but then that curiosity got the better off me and i steppedonto the elevato #leading down 😭 and followed him out into (apparently) the fucking bus stop #oh my goddd I JUST REALIZED this is my the one moment help #except i don’t think he recognized me because i was never even friends with him lmao. wrote tons of poetry about him ✅ #actually had one proper conversation with him ❌ #i was delusional and kept alone with my thoughts living in my head do not judge me #but seriously even though i don’t really care about him anymore this would’ve been (unfortunately) SUPER important to middle grade me #she would’ve taken it as a sign or something and write like five pages about it #and i just keep thinking about that #funny how things change because IF YOU KNEW how many credits and exaggerated compliments i gave him in my old journal #oh you would’ve laugheddd #like i used to SPEND SO MUCH TIME pondering over him it’s so 😭 #i used to have an oc and i think i based it on my idea of him and then i think that idea of him was even the reason i started to TRY to #write poetically. and i used to relate every taylor swift love songs to him (esp the ones in debut lover and rep and fearless) IT WAS SO #FUNNY LOOKING BACK AT IT NOW #i think he did see me though. i put on this act as if i was searching for someone confused and then (my go to) pretended someone called me #and then i whisked off as if to find that someone #i’d like to think i look pretty cool though. not because of anything (def not my looks because i was SO TIRED from that extra chem lessons

[naturalbornkillass]

first blog! depressed as hell tho

grammar may be a bit off since i copy and pasted this right from my notes without reading it

june 21st, stressing the fuck out, pulling my hair out, stabbing my paper work with a pencil and wanting to kill myself. I FUCKING HATE GEOMETRY 😭😭😭 MR ARNOLD SPECIFICALLY!!! i hope his car gets showered by bird poop!! 

i don’t know how i’ll manage. my practitioner said to use an ice pack and place it behind my neck. I hope it helps. I only met him today, but I already love him. Speaking of such, I finally got a proper diagnosis. Wooo bpd!

 i feel like i’ll fail. i usually like to slap the nonsense out of people who derive themselves with negativity before a test, but this is different. My math teacher is a miserable piece of shit because he cant even get any bitches!!! He’s not good with kids at all, and i bet he sits around with his lousy little self in his lousy little room, playing video games all day. He barely does anything to really help with his students, his way of helping is giving motivational speeches where he blames us for not meeting his expectations. He literally recycles all of his work. He gives video lessons when he’s feeling lazy, which is barely a fucking lesson, despite eating up about an hour or more of my life. I’m glad he made us do a year reflection regarding his performance as a teacher because he needs to see and hear how much of a piece of shit and unhelpful teacher he really is. Hopefully he learns from it. Anyways, I wouldn’t be as stressed as I am if I only had one final BUT I HAVE TWO!!

I’m really anxious about history. Not as much as i am with math, but i really want to get into AP psych. Must show colleges how much of a passionate psychology junkie I am so they’ll accept me. anyhow, i’ll catch up with u guys tomorrow. i need to study myself into sleep. i want to die

actually, small rant before i go, i really fucking hate filipino elders, they think theyre the most intelligent of all. Humble yourself, just because you’re older doesnt mean that you know every single thing about the world. They practically insult your intelligence by saying the most generic phrases ever then act like theyre yoda or some shit. wow. thank you for telling me that i’ll do well in school if i focus on my studies. thank you for advising me to be happy and comparing your goddamn struggles and acting like you have it worse than me because quite frankly, i couldnt give less of a fuck. I swear i’ll go in the middle of the streets of new york and pay guys to rape me and take me all the way to Nicaragua to turn me into a sex slave so that maybe, just maybe, i’ll be traumatized enough so that my parents will take my shit seriously.

okay bye. going to study now. going to cry and die. bye gays and slays, will be tuning in tomorrow!

Fav moments of the day:

I love aishwarya fr <3