#i started with spencer and it quickly derailed

[leulah]

god forbid women do anything 🙄🙄

#wish i could’ve put emily in here but i think she’s the only person in the entire series who does nothing wrong #the books are wild #i started with spencer and it quickly derailed #pll #mine #spencer hastings #alison dilaurentis #hanna marin #aria montgomery #pll books

[natashasfilms]

Chapter Four - Derailed

Summary: FBI agent Leila faces a profound life change after giving birth to a baby girl, supported by her loving husband. Despite the challenges of motherhood, Leila returns to her role as a dedicated agent a few months later, ready to confront gruesome and haunting cases with the BAU team.

Pairing: BAU!Fem!OC x Male!OC , EVENTUAL Aaron Hotchner x BAU!Fem!OC (Like much later)

Warnings: This story contains mature themes such as sexual content, strong language, violence, mentions of alcohol and drugs, blood, gore, and death. All the usual Criminal Minds stuff. And there is NO CHEATING.

Note 1: I imagine Leila Kade as South Asian but I have decided to let you, the reader, imagine her appearance, hence the reason why I have not given her a face claim. However, her race does not affect the story, whatsoever. You, as the reader, are free to imagine her however you want. If you don't see her as South Asian, then that's fine. It won't affect the storyline. I also imagine the OC!Male as South Asian, but again, it won't affect the storyline.

Note 2: The team will consist of the main cast (Emily, Derek, JJ, Spencer, Penelope, Aaron, and Rossi) but will also include Elle Greenaway and Jason Gideon because they were some of my favorite characters and I wanted to include them with the rest of the team. Basically, Elle and Gideon never leave when Emily and Rossi join.

Note 3: There will be multiple time skips throughout this series. For example, the first chapter will begin on the first season and episode of the show but then there will be a time skip to later episodes (because there are obviously way too many episodes to write this series on and I wanted to include specific episodes that would help the plot of this story). This means that this series will be a slow burn romance but I believe it to be better this way. This will also stray from the actual show a lot, so don't expect it to follow the plot precisely.

Series Masterlist

Season 1, Episode 9

Balancing a cup of coffee in her hands, Leila ascended the steps to her office. Her gaze swept across the cubicle, and the absence of Elle's usual seat caught her attention. She knew Elle was on her way to Texas for an interview with a child murderer.

Exhaling heavily, she settled into her chair. The numerous stacks of paperwork on her desk loomed before her, a daunting task she was not looking forward to. She understood that if she didn't start it now, the piles would only continue to increase.

Leila was just on the brink of diving into the topmost file when JJ burst into her office in a hurry. "Conference room, now."

Startled, her eyes widened at the sudden interruption. She quickly rose from her seat, momentarily forgetting about the paperwork spread across her desk. Following JJ's brisk steps, she made her way to the conference room. "Is it serious?" She asked JJ as they walked.

"It's a shooter situation on a train." She responded.

As everyone assembled in the room, except for Gideon, Leila moved over to Aaron's side and leaned in slightly to catch a glimpse of the case file he held. JJ initiated the briefing by explaining the grim situation, where a shooter had taken control of a train, leaving five hostages in peril and a security officer dead.

Projected on the screen was a security tape, capturing the essence of the crisis. Leila focused intently, her brow furrowing as she approached the display, while JJ, Spencer, Derek, and Aaron delved into the details of the case. In the midst of the discussion, Gideon entered the room, and Leila instinctively stood aside to allow him a better view of the footage.

Then, a realization struck Leila like a lightning bolt. "Wait…" Her voice cut through the conversation, and Gideon's sharp intake of breath indicated he had come to the same conclusion. Their eyes remained glued to a specific figure on the screen, their collective attention captured.

"My God!" Gideon's exclamation mirrored Leila's thoughts, confirming they were seeing the same face.

Derek's voice cut through the tension, his curiosity piqued. "What?"

"Elle." Leila and Gideon said in unison, catching everyone's attention as they all took a better look at the footage, noticing the familiar brunette.

They headed to the train's location while discussing the case en route. The unsub had demanded a conversation with a "higher authority," though no religious references had been mentioned. They speculated that he considered them the "higher authority." The deadline he set for this conversation was three hours, but that window had closed two and a half hours ago, leaving them with just thirty minutes to act.

Upon reaching the scene, numerous police cars were already positioned and prepared for action. The team stepped out of the SUV and engaged in discussions with the other law enforcement personnel present. Leila's gaze remained fixed on the train, her heart racing as the realization hit her that her best friend was on board with a murderer.

They entered the mobile command center to review the train's security footage, fully intending to initiate negotiations with the unsub. Abruptly, the situation escalated as the unsub forcibly dragged a woman by her hair to the other side of the train.

Amidst the tension, a ringing phone drew everyone's attention. A collective glance exchanged between them, and Gideon swiftly reached for the receiver, pressing a button to take the call.

"He wants to know who you are. He wants to know who just arrived." The woman's trembling voice conveyed through the phone.

"Tell him it's someone who can help resolve the situation." Gideon replied, his tone composed and deliberate.

Amidst more indistinct murmuring, the woman's voice came through again, strained as the unsub held a gun to her head. "What part of the government do you work for?"

Gideon's response took a different approach. "I never said I was with the government." Leaving Officer Frank Moretti perplexed by their exchange.

Leila seized the opportunity to clarify the strategy to Moretti, muting their microphone while explaining. "The less he says, the more mysterious we seem, the higher an authority we become."

"What part of the... What part of the government?" The woman asked again, her voice breaking as she sobbed. They remained silent, focused on the video feed before them. "Are you FBI?" She pressed, her desperation palpable.

Gideon's response left no room for doubt. "He can ask me himself."

The unsub grabbed the phone, his voice laden with curiosity as he inquired about the identity of the speaker. Gideon remained to the mysterious persona they had orchestrated, responding that the unsub should recognize them. In return, the unsub mysteriously insisted on the removal of "it."

Leila's brow furrowed as she crossed her arms, confused by what the unsub was referring to. Despite her confusion, Gideon adeptly maintained the facade, asserting that the process of removing "it" would take a long time. The unsub then issued a one-hour ultimatum for the removal of "it," or else he would take the lives of every "agent" on the train. With that, he abruptly ended the call, leaving the line dead.

Without knowing what "it" was, they only had one hour to figure it out, before all hell broke loose.

Recognizing that the unsub was in the midst of a psychotic episode, the team worked to uncover common delusions during such episodes. Aaron turned to Reid with this query, to which the young profiler responded that delusions were diverse and influenced by personal experiences.

One of the women held his arm, as if she were indicating something crucial, perhaps the elusive "it" they were supposed to remove. They observed scars on his arm, resembling wounds from razors or pens he had used to extract whatever "it" was supposed to be.

"So he thinks he has an object implanted in his arm, and he wants us to remove it." Leila deduced, grasping the unsub's intentions.

"Probably." Gideon concurred. "And if we don't remove it, he's going to kill somebody."

Derek's phone began to ring, prompting him to step aside to answer the call. The rest of the team remained engrossed in the footage, searching for any potential clues. Elle, unfortunately, remained handcuffed to her seat, her gun confiscated by the unsub, leaving her defenseless.

After ending his call, Derek rejoined the group, catching Gideon's attention. As Gideon inquired about the hostages, Derek relayed information he had just received from Penelope. He worked swiftly on the computer, accessing the files Penelope had sent concerning all the hostages, and proceeded to display the contents for the team to see.

Their current strategy involved creating the illusion of removing a non-existent microchip. They needed a plan that could convince the unsub they were taking out the device while secretly doing nothing of the sort.

"We could fake it." Suggested Spencer during their brainstorming session, causing everyone to turn their attention towards him.

"Seriously, Reid? A magic trick?" Derek exclaimed, leaning back in his chair in disbelief.

"Yes, a magic trick." Spencer affirmed.

Aaron promptly dismissed the idea, saying, "No."

"I used to do it during college exams." Spencer elaborated. "I can make things appear and disappear."

"We can't afford to put another agent in the line of fire." Aaron stated firmly.

"But we need to do something."

Leila interjected with a sigh with an idea that struck her. "Okay, fine. Teach me."

Spencer regarded her with a mix of surprise and disbelief. "What? No."

"If you can do it, then why can't I?" Leila countered, not willing to let Spencer risk his life by boarding the train.

Spencer shook his head, emphasizing the urgency. "I've been practicing this my whole life. We have less than 30 minutes."

Leila, determined to keep Spencer safe, persisted. "Reid, I am not allowing you to get on that train with an armed psychotic." She gestured towards the surveillance cameras, stressing her concern for his safety.

"No." Spencer continued. "Even if you managed to learn it, I can't let you go when you have a young daughter waiting for you at home."

Leila felt frustrated but understood his point. "So, what's the alternative?"

"We don't have one." Gideon interjected, rising from his seat. All eyes turned to him. "We don't have any other choice."

Spencer prepared himself to board the train, all set to execute the plan of faking the removal of the microchip from the unsub's arm. Leila pinched the bridge of her nose in anxiety, watching him gear up with a bulletproof vest. Aaron returned to the mobile command center with a counterfeit microchip, a small piece taken from the inside of a phone. They stepped outside, and as Spencer readied himself one final time, he turned towards the train.

They provided him with last-minute instructions and precautions, going over all possible scenarios. Spencer nodded to show his understanding and readiness. Before leaving, he looked at his colleagues and made a request. "Can you guys do me a favor?"

"Anything." Derek replied.

"Could at least one of you act like you're going to see me again?" Spencer's request, which would typically be lighthearted, held weight in the current situation.

"See you when you get back." Aaron reassured him, a hint of nervous laughter in Spencer's response. With that, Spencer turned and began his approach to the train. The team watched him walk away, leaving Leila shaking her head in disbelief.

"I can't believe we're letting him do this." She muttered, rubbing her temples in frustration. "I'm a quick learner, I could've gone."

Derek turned to her, offering support. "Spencer's right. If something were to go wrong, you'd be leaving Jasmine and Zaid behind."

Leila's gaze remained fixed on Spencer's form. "He's too young."

"He's also incredibly capable. He'll go in and come out before you know it." Derek reassured her.

"I don't doubt that." Leila said, knowing Spencer was very capable.

The SWAT team maintained their poised stances, guns ready in case they needed to take action. Back in the mobile command center, the team scrutinized the live footage, their eyes fixed on Spencer's every move as he boarded the train. Once on board, he deftly removed his bulletproof vest, possibly in response to the unsub's demands.

"Damn it, Reid, I told you not to remove the vest." Derek's frustration was palpable as he spoke, his lips tense.

Leila's heart pounded in her chest as she watched intently, running a hand down her face in anticipation. As they observed, Spencer artfully mimicked retrieving a device from his arm, executing his magic trick to perfection. It looked as though he was making his exit when the unsub compelled him to remain seated, causing Leila's brows to furrow in concern. Unable to hear the conversation, they became alarmed when Spencer was forced to sit down once more.

"Get off the train, Reid." Gideon murmured with urgency.

Leila's head shook. "The unsub said something to him. Something's wrong."

Trying to calm down the unsub, Spencer and Elle's efforts to sway the unsub's thoughts seemed apparent. Spencer struggled to stand again, only to be forced back into his seat.

"All right, it seems calm for now." JJ said, attempting to provide reassurance.

"Reid's still on the train." Gideon said. "Now we have two agents in there." Making a quick decision, Gideon dialed the phone on the train, waiting for the unsub to respond. However, the unsub remained motionless, ignoring the call.

One of the hostages, a young man of twenty, stood up, engaging in conversation. Leila sensed the tension building, fearing that this interaction could escalate dangerously. Suddenly, the unsub rose to his feet, raising his weapon and firing a shot. The doctor held her abdomen in the place he shot, and fell to the ground.

She fell into the arms of the young man, while other hostages rushed to her side. The unsub then walked over to where the phone lay, picking it up. Gideon engaged him in conversation, and the unsub kept repeating that "it all ends today."

The unsub put down the phone again and JJ asked them what that meant.

"It means he's decided on an endgame." Aaron explained.

"He's going to kill himself and the hostages." Gideon added.

They called the unsub once again but the unsub pointed his gun at it, firing a bullet into it.

"Let me know when HRT's ready." Gideon told Leila and Aaron, and the two quickly left the command center. The SWAT team still had their firearms raised while Leila and Aaron ensured that all preparations were in place, knowing that they might have to take action soon. The tension was palpable, and Leila's thoughts were focused on the safety of the hostages, Elle, and Spencer. Suddenly, a gunshot echoed from within the train, causing Leila's eyes to widen. Her heart raced as she anxiously waited for news, watching Gideon rush onto the train.

Eventually, the passengers began emerging from the train. It came to light that one of the hostages had managed to shoot the unsub, although he was still alive. Thankfully, the psychiatrist had also survived, though she was unconscious due to the loss of blood.

Leila walked over to Elle and Spencer, embracing them both tightly. "I'm so glad you're both alright." She said, her voice filled with genuine concern. Then, she directed her attention to Elle. "You really should get checked out, just to be sure."

Elle shook her head adamantly. "No, I'm perfectly fine." Leila shot her a stern look, clearly not convinced. "I'm really okay, Leila!"

"Go." Leila commanded, her tone firm, before turning away so she wouldn't have to listen to Elle's complaints.

After their return to the BAU, everyone began gathering their belongings, ready to head home. Derek accompanied the psychiatrist to the hospital, and Elle needed to get herself checked in due to the ordeal she had endured as a hostage. The day had been incredibly stressful, especially for Elle, who had been held captive throughout.

Leila observed her colleagues leaving and then stepped out of her own office, only to notice Aaron still immersed in paperwork in his office. Without hesitation, she knocked on his door, and he welcomed her inside. Leila entered briskly, a concerned expression on her face.

"Aren't you heading home?" She inquired, observing the piles of paperwork on his desk. Her thoughts turned to her own unfinished paperwork, which she had packed into her bag with the intention of working on it at home.

"I wanted to wrap up a few of these files before I leave." Aaron explained, gesturing to the papers scattered before him.

Leila furrowed her brow and crossed her arms. "Why not take them home and work there? Haley and Jack probably miss you. Instead of staying here alone to work, why not spend quality time with your family and finish your work there?"

Aaron contemplated her words for a moment. "You're right. I thought if I could finish these now, I'd have more focused time to spare for them."

Leila chuckled lightly. "Our work keeps us busy, Aaron. We don't always get those opportunities. So it's better to spend the time you have with your family than to try to accomplish everything at once and risk missing those moments."

He began gathering his papers, neatly placing them in his bag. Once ready, he slung the bag over his shoulder and joined Leila as they walked toward their cars. They chatted casually along the way.

"Alright, goodnight, Leila." Aaron said, waving farewell.

"Goodnight." Leila replied, a warm smile on her face as she got into her car. As she started the engine, a sense of anticipation filled her. Finally, she was heading home to her two most favorite people in the world. She longed to see her husband and daughter, the ache of their absence had been deeply felt throughout the day.

It was true that she would do absolutely anything for her family.

#angst #fluff #criminal minds #aaron hotchner #one shot #fanfiction #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner fluff #aaron hotchner x reader #original male character #original female character #series #criminal minds series #revelations series #aaron hotchner x bau!reader #criminal minds bau #bau!reader #aaron hotchner x original female character

[mixtapestar]

fic rec fun

So wanted to get some hiatus rec lists going and encourage some self promo in my friends so how about sharing your top fics no matter how big or small - give us the links to your wonderful words with the Most hits/Most kudos/Most comments/Most bookmarks /Most words/Least words

Thanks @freneticfloetry for the tag! I’m sure OP intended Lone Star creators but now we’ve broken containment, so let’s see what I’ve got...

Most Hits: permission to touch - Heartstopper (Nick/Charlie, 3k, Explicit) "Do you know what you want to do for your birthday?" Nick asks suddenly. / "You," Charlie blurts out. So this fic actually qualifies for the first four categories. It’s a first time fic written for Yuletide in 2020 based on the webcomic, and when the TV series premiered on Netflix, everyone and their beta found it. I am proud of this one, definitely happy in retrospect that I re-read the entire series so far before I wrote it.

Most Kudos: written in the scars on our hearts - Teen Wolf (Derek/Stiles, 21k, Explicit) When Stiles needs a roommate as he starts college, he decides Derek is the perfect candidate. He knows college is supposed to change your life, but this is ridiculous. Domestic future fic. My ‘and they were roommates!’ fic that I wrote in the hiatus after season 2. I had so much fun putting this one together, and I even had quite a lot written for a companion Scott/Isaac fic, but I think S3 derailed me from ever finishing that one.

Most Comments: shout whenever (I’ll be there) - Ted Lasso (Roy/Keeley/Jamie, 26k, Explicit) "I was wonderin' if you might… teach me? / "Roy can only stare back at him. Teach him… what, how to pull? How to fuck? Roy must be dreaming, because there's no way in hell the Jamie Tartt he knows has the bollocks or the self-awareness to ask him for such a thing. Jamie's eyes only seem to get rounder the longer Roy looks at him, as if he's growing more hopeful of a positive answer. That particular delusion snaps Roy out of it. "No. Fuck no. Why the fuck would I wanna do that?" MY BABES! 🙌🏻 HUGE thanks to @rubickk7 for prompting me for this in an exchange when I was newly done watching the (then) two seasons and needed to get my feelings out via fic.

Most Bookmarks: marked restraint - Harry Potter (Harry/Draco, 12.5k, Explicit) In the early hours of July 31, 1996, Draco shoots awake and soon discovers his soulmark. The trouble only continues from there. I love writing soulmarks so much! Had a lot of fun playing off the ‘destiny’ aspect with these two especially.

Most Words: every turn a surprise - Bandom (Ryan/Brendon/Spencer/Jon, 56k, Explicit) When Brendon is 10 years old, weird things start happening. He quickly discovers his ability to read minds, and then he spends several years at the Academy, learning how to control it. After he is forced to run away to avoid being drafted for his ability, he gets hired onto a spaceship, where he meets Spencer, Ryan, and Jon. Things just get crazier from there, especially when he starts to fall in love with more than one of his coworkers. Oh man. This fic was a work in progress for so long that I was on my way out of bandom by the time I posted it. But it’s got so much worldbuilding and fun stuff in it. I feel like one day I’m likely to pull it and convert it into an Original Work.

Least Words: fun - Boy Meets World (Jack/Eric, 100 words, Explicit) Jack had never been with someone who made him laugh as much as Eric. I’ve written quite a lot of drabbles, actually, but this is one of my favs.

Tagging @valonia47, @goldiegaytime, @footnotesandendings, @richmondtillidie!

#fic related #writing #fic meme

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

Update

Hey I’m not gone! I’ve just been working out my notice in my old job and it’s been a lot of hours and then I got vaccinated and felt like death on my one day off 😖

So I will have the next chapter of An Inconvenient Affection up soon, I’ve got the first 3000 words of it written already, I just haven’t had the time to finish it. If it helps to know, it’s almost entirely fluff and smut 🥰

But as a little treat I wanted to show you guys what I had originally written for chapter 2 of this series. I wanted to make it more of a slow burn so I ended up scrapping it, but I thought I’d show you anyway

Alternate timeline under the cut:

“Well making drinks isn’t the only skillset a bartender possesses” he looks at her quizzically. “You gotta be able to talk to people, or let them talk to you I guess. It’s part of the appeal, getting people to trust you, to like you, and maybe a few drinks in you get them to confide in you, slip up and spill something if you’re lucky” she explains.

“You really have done this before” he raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

“I told ya so, and on that note, tell me what’s on your mind, what brought you in here this evening?” She takes a dishcloth and begins to wipe up the little spill on the table. Spencer just lets out a small chuckle but stifles it when she looks at him. Her eyes are trained on his, awaiting his response.

“Oh! You’re serious.” He takes a beat, “Well, um, I guess my wife and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch lately” he tries his best to make it sound genuine, but something about the bubbles in the drink and Y/N in her sweats opposite him has him feeling a little giddy.

“Oh that’s terrible I’m sorry to hear that” she sympathizes quickly, encouraging him to keep talking.

“Yeah she’s been sleeping around behind my back, should’ve seen it coming really” he takes a long gulp from his glass, staring into the fizz at the bottom.

“What do you mean?” She probes, “Was she the town bicycle before you got hitched?” She says it as a joke but Spencer’s head just snaps up to look at her with confusion.

“What?”

“Everyone got a ride?” She wiggles her eyebrows as she explains and he can only roll his eyes in response, his face screwing up a little with distaste.

“No!” He’s quick to shoot it down, “Nothing like that!” He waves his hand to dismiss it before downing the remainder of his drink. “She was always out of my league” he says it with a shrug like it doesn’t break her heart a little.

“Spencer” she pleads, it comes out a sort of gentle whisper, “I’m sure that’s not true”

He shakes his head, “Nope, she always has been. To be honest I don’t even know why she liked me in the first place! She’s—” he takes a moment to think, “she’s so incredibly kind, and warm, and she’s so much smarter than I am” he smiles to himself.

“Well that’s definitely not right” Y/N says in an effort to derail him, Spencer’s tolerance for alcohol has always been bordering non-existent. She didn’t want him to say anything he wouldn’t feel good about later. But it was so hard to ask him to stop.

“It is, she’s just not one to gloat about it” he thinks for a second, “y’know what, she actually is one to gloat” he says it like he’s just realized it himself and Y/N lets out a small snort of laughter. “But that’s part of her charm too, she’s funny. The kind of funny that makes my cheeks hurt whenever we hang out.” His lips spread in a wide smile that reaches his eyes as he says it, just from thinking about her. “And on top of all of that, she’s pretty. Like so pretty that when I first saw her I couldn’t remember my own name” He goes to take a sip from his glass once again before noticing it’s empty. Placing it back down on the table with an over dramatic sullen expression. “Shame she had to go cheat on me, but it’s understandable I guess. She’s her, and I’m just—”

“An idiot” she offers and he starts to laugh, nodding his head, “don’t agree with me you fool!” She reaches across the table to punch his arm gently.

“You’re an idiot for thinking about yourself like that. Like you’re not the most special person. Like you’re not deserving of love, or attention, like you’re not desirable Spence” she reaches out to grab his hand and he just stares down at them, not daring to make eye contact. He had just humiliated himself by accident and had no idea how to walk it back.

“Y/N I—” he whispered but nothing else came out.

“Shut up Spencer” she sighed, “you’re my best friend for so many reasons and I can’t have you thinking about yourself like that” her words of reassurance do little to actually help him feel any better.

He felt like he’d just made this horrifically sappy declaration of love to his best friend and now he was being lectured on his self deprecating tendencies.

“You’re right, I shouldn’t have said anything” he pulls his hand out from her grip, and rising up from the table. “I think I should probably get some rest, it’s been a long day” he wipes his already sweaty palms against his pajama bottoms.

Y/N clambers to her feet to follow him but he reaches his bedroom a little too quickly, shutting the door behind him. It’s not dramatic or petulant, the action just wreaks of upset more than anything.

Y/N didn’t want to pry, especially if he didn’t want to talk but she had no idea what she’d said wrong. For a second there it felt like Spencer might’ve felt the same way she did, she could see that glassy look in his eyes that she recognized from her own. But he’d withdraw as quickly as he’d opened up.

She took some time to think, gathering up the things from the makeshift bar and returning them to their homes in the kitchen. She busied herself until she found herself staring down at the couch, at the little pillow and duvet folded neatly and ready for use in the armchair next to it. She’d slept here so many times before but didn’t want to do it right now.

Carried on an uncharacteristic wave of courage she marched up to Spencer’s door, knocking loud enough that if he was already asleep she had a hope of waking him. He hadn’t done anything other than sit on the edge of his bed and stare at the doorknob since he’d come in. Willing himself to get up and just go back out there.

Thankfully he didn’t have to. All he had to do was open the door to a waiting Y/N, arms awkwardly fidgeting at her sides. He didn’t say anything when he opened the door, just waited patiently. There was a small lull of silence before she spoke.

“Just to clarify” she cleared her throat, “was that all about— were you— did you mean all of that?” She looked up at him, her eyes wide and pleading. He nodded when he didn’t quite have the words yet.

“Yeah, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just, had to say it sometime”

“Oh god you are an idiot” she breathes out before lunging at him, pulling him down by the lapels of his pajama shirt to capture his lips in a tentative but sweet kiss.

#spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid smut #an inconvenient affection #aia

[writing-in-april]

Converging Parallels

Spencer Reid x Female Single Mom Reader (Spencer’s POV)

Summary: Spencer goes to a support group Penelope suggested after the death of Maeve. He quickly connects with a single mom who’s experiences have been similar to Spencer’s.

A/N: I’m prefacing this by saying I know shit about math and am horrible at it lol 😂 so my math analogies might be horribly off 😂 This is my fifth fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April- this one was requested by @samuel-de-champagne-problems- this is the request- (go check out there fics too!!) I tweaked it a little bit so I hope you enjoy it 🥺 a lot of it is confined to Spencer grappling with his thoughts- but there is dialogue I promise lol 😂I had a good time writing it ☺️Thanks for all the love recently and if you want to drop me an ask for any reason you can do so here- I’m always looking for some new friends on here (I promise I don’t bite lol) Thanks again and hope y’all enjoy 🥰

Warnings: Angst with a hopeful ending, General dealings surrounding death and grief, Mentions of Maeve’s death, Reader’s a widow, Guilt about moving on, Reader’s child is a daughter

Main Masterlist Word Count: 1.6k

Parallel lines were never supposed to meet, they were set on a strict path following in a similar direction with no hope of ever converging. At least that’s what was the widely accepted definition by anyone with any authority in the field of mathematics.

My own math degree was being contested by a set of two lines set on a collision course with each other, though they were not supposed to. Logically I knew that the two lines were not beholden to any mathematical equation as I was referring to two human lives.

We were set on a similar course, only slight differences that seemingly were leading us to different destinations, or at least I tried to convince myself that. I tried every night to convince myself that she was only a friend, that it wasn’t what she wanted and I was desecrating the memory of the person I still claimed to be the only person I loved.

Logically I knew that by forcing where I wanted our relationship to go, what I thought the universe wanted to happen wasn’t what I truly wanted. The reason I had boxed us in so vehemently was only because I was scared and guilty, I knew it too. I wanted us to converge, but logic doesn’t always win out when dealing with guilt.

It had all started with Garcia mentioning that I should consider going to a grief support group after the death of Maeve. Every action I took was being weighed down by her death, whether I cared to admit it or not.

Garcia had good intentions when she suggested going to this meeting to me, of that I was sure. It isn’t that I saw no reason to go to the support group, I just knew that it would dreg up all the unwanted feelings that bombarded me enough already.

The flier in my hands felt heavy even though it was made of paper it weighed my hands down enough where I almost dropped it. I could have let it go then to have it fly away, being taken by the wind, that would let me forget about it. But, I knew it would have only made me forget for a short while, I’d inevitably get questions from Garcia and my own mind wouldn’t let me forget the reality of what had happened. And, logically I knew that it would most likely help. So instead of letting the wind take it away, I crumpled the paper slightly in my hands out of frustration, moving my feet forward one step at a time to enter the building.

That’s where I had first met her. When I first walked in I didn’t immediately lock eyes with her or anything, my eyes were too fixated on the ground for that to happen.

I only noticed her when she was invited to tell her story. Her strength instantly captivated me, almost making me feel like a failure at first. Her story of how she lost her husband was eerily similar in some aspects, especially the cause of his death. The feeling of failure on my part to be strong swirled in my gut as she recounted her struggles that were so starkly similar to mine. She even had a young daughter to take care of as well, she often spoke of her whenever she told her story, almost neglecting herself sometimes- which she admitted she knew she needed to work on.

However, when she came up to me to talk after the meeting was concluded my opinion switched to view her as inspiring. We began getting coffee after each meeting, sometimes talking for hours, sometimes sitting in silence. Whatever I needed she was there to give it to me, whenever she needed help I wanted to be there too.

To see our almost parallel lives begin to converge at first felt like someone had driven a car into traffic about to collide straight into my path. My mind would not stop arguing about whether or not I should pull away from her or not, like guilt was on shoulder and my potential happiness was on the other.

—-

Guilt was eating away at me from the inside out slowly, that part of my mind would not stop clawing away any good aspect of my relationship with Y/N. The relationship between us had shifted in recent weeks, tension invading what had once been a simply platonic connection formed through our shared experiences. When it became clear to me what our lingering stares and touches were leading to, guilt had reared its ugly head to burrow its way down deep and take root.

It had disrupted my sleep even more than usual, nightmares ranging from Maeve guilting me to the visuals of her death. The images of Maeve and any time I had shared with her invaded my brain at all hours of the night, haunting me. I scrunched my eyes up tight, maybe that would banish the images from my brain. That only made the guilt worse it seemed as I now felt double the guilt for wanting to banish the thoughts about a person I still claimed to love.

My hand hit the pillow in frustration, then grabbing it and throwing it to some unknown location across the room. Sitting up, no longer being able to tolerate laying down knowing that sleep would never come, made my exhausted joints beg me to lay back down. I leaned forward to put my head in my hands, also tangling my curls with my fingers. I tried to think about what Y/N had said to me at one of the first meetings I had attended, my normally impeccable memory struggled as the memory of Maeve’s bloodied face would not leave. Screaming internally was the only thing that seemed to work to push the words I was looking for forward,

“I try to think about something my therapist told me- Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.”

The quote wasn’t something groundbreaking or new, though the origins were unknown. But, the words still struck me deep everytime I forced my memory to call back on them.

The words she had spoken in the meeting when talking about her husband made me want to try too. She inspired me whenever she told snippets of her story to me or the rest of the group, her story had been similar to mine- with the added element of having a daughter to raise on her own.

Her strength was what had drawn me to her initially, like a moth to flame. Our relationship wasn’t even a friendship at first, just two people sharing advice (more her giving it to me) about how to deal with crippling grief.

What had blossomed since then from death and decay had thrown me for a loop. I hadn’t been expecting for this to happen, I never even thought romance would be an option for me again. I thought that I would have one great love and that our time in the sun had ended along with any option for romantic interests in the future.

Then she came along and spun my thinking upside down, not that I blamed her at all for it. She originally had just reached out to help me, not to pursue any romantic connection purposefully while I was vulnerable.

She continued to stay with me to help despite my urge to push her away even though that’s not what I wanted. I tried hard to convince myself that our lives were never meant to connect, that we were destined to remain apart.

It took many more sleepless nights for me to realize what I hadn’t seen for so long, even with Y/N reassuring me at every turn. Maeve would want me to be happy, I was sure of it. So I’d try to let myself, no longer letting myself get hindered by my own swirling thoughts of guilt that Maeve wouldn’t have wanted me to feel.

—-

Asking her out on a date had been surprisingly easy once I had let go a little of my guilt. We had chosen to go somewhere different than a coffee shop, since we already did that often. I took her out to more of an upscale restaurant than she was used to, which may be too fancy for some for a first date, but she deserved it. She worked so hard to take care of her daughter and even me to some extent.

At the end of the night we were both standing outside her door ready to go in to relieve the babysitter for the night. I had already given her a chaste kiss for the night, even though my nerves kept trying to talk me out of it. I was about to say goodbye when she grabbed my wrist to hold in her hands. She looked afraid at first, almost like she wondered if I wouldn’t like her touching me. Touch may bother me with most people, but she wasn’t most people, I’d happily share germs with her. When I did not pull away relief was evident in her eyes, then taking a big breath before speaking,

“Would you like to meet my daughter?” Her voice was shaky, understandably full of worry.

“Of course.” In the past hesitation would have littered my voice if she had asked me the same question. But, my thoughts had been slowly shifting to want our lines to converge fully and with no fear. Sure, Maeve would always capture a place in my heart, but I was ready for our lives to collide. Our parallel lives converged into one line, with a set path forward. It may get derailed from its intended path, but we would be stronger together than apart.

Ask me anything

—-

Tag lists (message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg @takeyourleap-of-faith (damn tumblr just let me tag them)

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #mgg #mgg x reader #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler x reader #spencer reid fanfic #30 fics in 30 days

[qvid-pro-qvo]

do you have a favorite Criminal Minds episode overall? Do you have a favorite for each character?

mmmmmmm very good question to think about as i comfort rewatch :) also, probably gonna do favorite here and not best, because i think those are two separate questions. you’ll also see my bias toward earlier episodes here. whoops. 

favorite episode overall - this is a tough one, but i LOVE the episodes where we see the work of profiling, and in some episodes this is really shown as an art form. i would have to say “seven seconds” (3x01). i love the enclosed space the mall serves as geography, i love how they interview the family, i love the way they bounce off of each other. i could watch this episode every day. shit like this is why criminal minds is great. there are other episodes that i could classify as favorites but probably fall into the category of character episodes. 

this unsurprisingly got long, like novel-lengthy, so i’m sticking the individual characters under a cut.

hotch 

aaron hotchner. there’s a reason i write fic for this man, besides the fact that i feel like in later seasons he is the epitome of one note most times. we see him smile every so often, but i also think i latch onto earlier episodes because we see so much of his care for those he cares for. i LOVE “lessons learned” (2x10) for him. i LOVE the way he is so blatantly shown to adore haley and jack. i think this is one of the episodes that speaks volumes across the show, even as his humanity kind of gets stripped away in the later episodes. i think this is a great intro for emily prentiss, too, but i don’t put it with her because while she does shine, i like other episodes for her better. the foyet storyline, of course, all the way through its conclusion in “route 66” (9x05). i really love the way we see his adoration for haley and jack, i love the way we see him grapple with his guilt, and. fuck. i just care about aaron hotchner a lot. also i can’t not say “it takes a village” (7x01) - beard hotch? inspired my first ever fic for him? yeah.  also, i think it also shows the things he is willing to do for his team, because i truly think that if any member of the team was in that situation, he would be there for them and do the exact same thing. hypothetically. 

rossi 

rossi isn’t my favorite character for a variety of reasons, namely because i never really felt connected to him and i think he... is a tool for the writers to bring things out of left field. but i think a huge growth moment for him and for me in terms of appreciating him as a character is “zoe’s reprise” (4x15). the rossi that comes back to the bau is definitely one who is a lot of things, and this episode pretty much expertly breaks down every wall that he’s put up since he left. we see him empathize with a victim, see him get told off when he tries to use money to fix the situation, we see him reflect on the consequences of his actions and the way that even though he’s kind of an ass when he first comes on, there’s more underneath. like i said, he’s not my favorite character, but this episode does a good job of working in much needed humanization of him. also, of course, the dinner scene in “proof” (7x02) could be an episode all on it’s own. “as a family.” you’re so right, rossi, you’re so right. 

derek 

god, i fucking love derek episodes. i love, love, love derek morgan. i high-key think that shemar moore does some of the most incredible/versatile acting on this show, and i’m not even speaking in hyperbole. we can talk about microexpressions from hotch and mgg’s portrayal all we want, but the way shemar moore delivers a man who suffered from some of the worst childhood trauma and creates a layered character with some of the most incredible empathy towards others on his team and victims is just jaw-dropping. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - derek is the most emphathetic character and the most in tune with the rest of the team. he is 100% the character who knows what others are feeling and actually acts on it. his relationships with spencer and penelope and emily -

but the episodes. there are tons of points in episodes focused on other characters where he shines (”penelope” and “mayhem” are two that come to mind) but honestly? “profiler, profiled” (2x12). not because of the trauma, but because how derek reacts to the trauma. we see him go through the five stages of grief when it comes to watching his persona, his shield, crumble around his team. we see him get taken apart and put himself back together. it is one of those episodes that makes me cry every time i watch it. derek confronting carl buford, that scene - f u c k. that’s all i have to say. 

penelope 

i absolutely adore my girl penelope. her character-centric episodes are some of my absolute favorite in the show. and it’s more like, i see a lot of myself in her even if i don’t absolutely identify with her personality (i am not nearly as sunshiney, unfortunately). so for her, i have to go with the classic “penelope” (3x09) for one. first of all, i think that the way the team cares for her is so vital. she is the heart of the team. and this episode shows it. more than that, i think it also shows how important a role she plays when she’s fully functioning, and we get reminded of how much she so desperately cares for others. i rewatch this episode often. another one for her is “exit wounds” (5x21). once again showing how much she cares for others, and also a really good/great/awesome derek and penelope moment. i love how often we get reassured that the team wants her exactly how she is, and she doesn’t have to change to catch the bad guys, and the moment where she says she looked into that man’s eyes so he could see something brilliant and bright as he died? god. sticks with me. 

emily

now. i’m not gonna lie. i think while i simp for hotch, emily is the most interesting character in the canon besides derek. i think while there are some problems in terms of continuity in her storyline, i think her journey in season six is one of my absolutely favorites to rewatch. i love watching her manipulate doyle. do i think the show could’ve done more in terms of fallout? yes. do i care? not totally. it’s a procedural, i get it. i love emily prentiss (probably am in love with her). i think her introduction in “lessons learned” is expert. while “demonology” (4x17) isn’t my favorite episode overall (i felt a disconnect with the story they were trying to tell in terms of unsub), i think for emily it’s such a brilliant look into her psyche and the way she thinks about her past. and i think “lauren” (6x18) is awesome at making the audience really look, watching her grapple with the consequences of her actions, her breakdown when she hears garcia’s message and having to quickly put herself back together... yeah, i love it. another one? “minimal loss” (4x03). i LOVE minimal loss. not only because of the story and the unsub, because emily throwing herself verbally in front of spencer to protect him is one of the top tier moments in the show. her and spencer’s relationship... fuck, so good.

spencer

there is a reason that spencer reid sticks around through fifteen seasons and it is because he is the soul of show. no, i’m not kidding. i think there is a lot of development that happens with spencer and when his individual relationships are highlighted the show shines. i think when the show, well, showcases his ingenuity it thrives. one episode that i just rewatched that comes to mind is “derailed” (1x09). the intensity of the episode is highlighted by spencer’s moments of humor, humanity, and intelligence. i like “revelations” (2x15) for the same reason. we see his genius through the eyes of the team and we’re just as in awe of him as hotch and gideon are. (did he get the support he needed after that episode? no, and i’ll die mad about it.) also his relationship with his mother, i will cry about it at any moment of the day. i LOVE their relationship, i love the way they develop, i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that we see the both of them throughout the whole series. “the fisher king, part two” (2x01) and the growth moments between the both of them - like, god, rip my heart out kind of love. fuck, and don’t even get me started on HIS empathy. the way that he reaches out to so many people who are suffering through his ability to just... listen. he doesn’t overlook anyone. he can’t. he knows what it feels like. some examples i love “the uncanny valley” (5x12) and “coda” (6x16).

jj

jj. there’s a lot i could say about jj, but i will say this. i do think liaison jj is more interesting, inherently, than profiler jj, and i do think that her character is reduced as the series goes along. i honestly think she is more of an equal with the rest of the team when she is liaison and plays that role. i will say, though, that i think her own exhibition of empathy, namely through the way she is willing to take the brunt of communicating with victims and families, is brilliant throughout the show. she does so much and i wish we saw her do even more (also she is canonically one of the best shots on the team, and i LOVE that). my favorite episodes for her is “risky business” (5x13), because as someone who has lost a friend in the same way jj lost her sister, i really felt for her and i think this gave us so much insight into WHY she does what she does. and “the longest night” (6x01) because her speech impacts the unsub almost as much as it impacts me. there’s a reason hotch wants her to be the one on the radio waves, and she nails it because she’s competent and incredible and... yeah. i do love her.

#ask the status qvo #thanks anon!!!! <3 #criminal minds #aaron hotchner #david rossi #derek morgan #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #spencer reid #jennifer jareau #meta? i guess?

[drspencr]

always in my heart | part one

pairing: spencer x reader

summary: you know that it’s too late to fix your relationship with spencer; but what if a terrible accident gives you another chance?

word count: 3.1k

content warning: angst, car accident

a/n: before you ask i did not proofread the last part hehe,, also! it jumps right into angst so beware

masterlist part two

You could see it in his eyes. The way they were distant when he smiled at your jokes or how uninterested they looked when you told him about your day. You watch him stray away from you until you found yourself alone in your bed at 2 am wondering what went wrong. Every day, you see him falling out of love. And the worst part is that you’re reminded of it every time he says those three empty words; I love you has never felt so meaningless. 

Every time you would ask him what was wrong, he would shoot you a cold look as if he has told you multiple times to not talk about it. He would stop talking to you for the rest of the evening in hopes that you don’t bring it up again. So you let it go, hoping that it’ll resolve itself. But as time went on, those evenings turned into hours, and hours turned into days. Eventually, he was giving you one-word answers: “good”, “fine”, “sure”, “okay”. It was hard enough that you had your own busy schedule. You don’t even remember the last time the two of you had sex or shared a special conversation.

You figured it was a case that hit too close to home– something that took time for him to open up about. But again, as weeks went by, he continued to dismiss you. You were so worried for Spencer that you brought matters into your own hands and called Derek. 

You’ve only talked to Derek a handful of times. Each conversation you shared with him revolved around casual matters: sports, food, jobs, hobbies. So he was surprised when he saw your contact light up his phone.

“Hey, y/n. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, for the most part. I just uh…” you closed your eyes, contemplating whether or not you should continue. “It’s nothing urgent but is it okay if we meet up in person?”

“Yeah, of course. Does Friday afternoon sound good? We can meet at the corner of Elk and Rhodes.”

“Sure that sounds fine. And do you mind not telling Spencer? Please?”

The line goes quiet for a moment before Derek responds back, “sure thing. See you then, y/n.”

Friday afternoon rolled around sooner than you expected. You weren’t even sure what to ask let alone how to bring up the subject. It’s hard asking for help considering how unique your relationship with Spencer is. After all, not a lot of people can relate to having a boyfriend with an eidetic memory who travels the country to catch murderers. 

You step into the corner cafe on Elks and Rhodes. There weren’t many people at this time of day so you took the liberty of taking the window seat where you watched people come and go. It was 12:09 when Derek arrived and by then you’ve already gone through half of your cup.

“Hey, Derek!”

He smiles as he goes in for a side hug, “Hey, y/n. How’ve you been?”

Your smile falters at the question but you quickly cover it up before he notices. “Good, and you?”

“I’m good, I’m good. Here let me buy you lunch.”

“Oh please, you shouldn’t, I was the one who invited you. Let me pay, it’s the least I can do,” you insist as you move in front of him to block the cash register. 

Derek takes notice of your desperate urging and figured that whatever you brought him here for was more important than he expected. He steps aside for you to order, “okay, but I got you next time alright?”

You tried not to freak out at the fact that you were sitting across one of Spencer’s best friends. Derek is very intimidating. God, he was probably profiling you at this very second. Sweaty palms, bouncing knee, lack of eye contact– all telltale signs that someone’s nervous. But as anxious as you were, Derek didn’t seem to notice as he happily bit into his sandwich.

With your food still untouched, you hesitantly lean in. “I would love to catch up with you, Derek. But I’m assuming that you’re on your lunch break so I’ll try to make this quick. It’s about Spencer.”

He only nods and wipes his mouth with his napkin, “what’s up?”

“This is gonna sound weird,” you laugh, hoping that it will take some of your tension away. “But is… is Spencer okay? Like at work? Did anything bad happen?”

Derek crosses his arms and leans back in his chair as he chews on his food. He was studying you, trying to figure out what this is all about. Your heart rate speeds up anxiously as you wait for his answer. You were unsure if you wanted his answer to be a yes or a no; either way, each had its own bad fortune. 

“Nothing’s happened from what I know of.”

Your heart fell. “Right,” your voice barely above a whisper. So it was all because of me, you thought, he’s like this because of me.

Derek lowered his head to meet your eyes, “If you don’t mind me asking, are you and Spencer okay?”

You continued to look down at your food, embarrassed to tell your side of the story. Deep down, you knew that your relationship with Spencer was derailing but you were afraid that if you admitted the problem, you would be validating its existence. “Well that’s the thing, I don’t really know. He won’t talk to me.”

He nods slowly. Derek of all people knows that Spencer doesn’t like to talk about his problems until he’s ready to confront it. He normally ignores the situation until it interferes with his daily life. But with you it was different. Spencer found it easier to talk about his feelings around you. He claimed that you brought him peace and tranquility to his restless, busy life. And you took pride in that. But now, you weren’t entirely sure if what he said was true.

“I asked if something was bothering him,” you started. “And usually it would take him a couple of days to tell me what was wrong but now he just shuts me down. The past few months I’ve noticed that he’s becoming more distant and aloof.”  You raise your head with furrowed brows, alarmed at the conclusion you’ve created. “I’m starting to think that I’m the thing that’s bothering him.”

Derek was quick to rebuttal your statement. “Hey now, kid. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that you make Spencer happy.”

“Or used to,” you mumbled.

He sighs, “don’t beat yourself up, y/n. Knowing Reid, he’ll probably come around sooner or later.”

You nodded even though you didn’t find much comfort in his words. You desperately wanted to believe that what Derek said would turn out to be true. But he doesn’t know how lonely it feels to be in an empty relationship, he doesn’t know how it feels to watch your significant other fall out of love right before your eyes. 

“I can talk to him if you want–”

“No,” you insisted, “please, it’s okay.”

“If something’s going on, I want you to know that you can talk to me. Alright? I know how hard it might be to keep up with Reid, am I right?” he jokes, hoping to lighten the mood. “Hang in there, y/n.”

Your silence kept Derek from pressing more on the matter. It was clear that you got the answers you needed and didn't want to talk about it anymore. So for your sake, he let it go. 

“Do you think homemade dinner would suffice for now?” you asked, brows furrowed. 

Derek gives you a warm, sympathetic smile, “I’m sure he’ll love it.”

You smile back, gratefully. “Thanks for meeting with me today, I appreciate it.”

“Hey, it’s no problem. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

You hug your goodbyes and thank him once more before heading to the grocery store. In the parking lot, you excitedly take out your phone to send a text to Spencer.

Y/n: Hey Spence, I’m cooking your favorite tonight :)Meet at my place at 7?

Surprisingly, he texted back in a matter of minutes.

Spencer: Okay, I’ll try to clear my schedule.

Your breath hitched in your throat while your eyes read his text over and over again. After comprehending his response, you let out a sigh of relief. It’s not every day Spencer responds to your text at all. You felt a light glow inside you as you walked towards the store, head held high. 

It took you three hours to set everything up. You tidied the house, retouched your makeup, cooked pasta, making the pesto extra nutty. All with a newfound lightness in your step. You were hopeful that this gesture would help things get back into a routine– or at least make it seem like it. You just wanted everything to be normal, just for this evening. But unfortunately, your sanguinity was short-lived. You knew it was too good to be true. 

At 7 o’clock sharp, you made finishing touches to the plates and poured two glasses of red wine. You sat on one side of the table, satisfied with your preparation. 

At 7:30 you sent a text to Spencer asking if he was okay.

At 8:15, you poured yourself a fourth glass of wine and dialed your boyfriend’s number with trembling hands. There was no answer.

Just as you were going to put the untouched food into a container, a knock echoed through your apartment. You inhaled deeply, mustering up mental strength for a conversation you didn’t even think you’d be having in the first place. 

You were frustrated, to say the least. You spent so much time and effort into tonight and he couldn’t even send you a quick text back. Short and vague answers are one thing but standing you up was another. This was a whole new level of low. 

Another set of knocks echoed, “y/n, you there?”

You rolled your eyes and stomped your way to the entrance, opening the door forcefully.

Despite the raging anger inside of you, you managed to keep your tone at a normal level. “You’re late,” you seeth.

Spencer walks in, dismissing the spite in your voice, “sorry, I got caught up at work.”

You closed the door behind him, “you could have texted me.”

“I know, I forgot.”

“You forgot, huh.”

“I’m sorry.” He goes in for a hug. Before you know it, your head is buried into his chest, inhaling his scent. Warmth spread throughout your body, melting away any angry thought you had towards him. Spencer hasn’t hugged you like this for a long time. His hand sat firmly on your waist and his head rested at the top of your head. As much as you enjoyed it, you didn’t want to. You knew that it wasn’t real. 

“I can warm up the food again, go change into something comfortable.” You said quietly, parting ways with his embrace. He looked at you, a soft, dull tone in his eyes, “okay.”

The tension in the air was thick as the two of you sat quietly, eating your microwaved pasta. An occasional question about each other’s day. You really wanted to strike a conversation but you had other things bothering you. You were never good with confrontation. You didn’t like how quickly the conversation turns into arguments. Because of this, you tried your best to lay the foundation of your point slowly.

“Spencer, you know I’m not one to jump to conclusions.”

He takes a bite of pasta, trying his best to avoid your eyes, “I know.”

“But I have to ask...”

“I’m fine, y/n? It’s been months, can you drop it already?.”

Your heart dropped and your head darted back at his sudden burst, “that’s not what I was going to say.”

He looks up apologetically, “sorry.”

He went silent, flustered. His knee bounced with anxiety and anticipation for what you were going to say next. You shake your head and count to ten, trying to let go of his response. 

“Do you–” you pause as you search for the words you really wanted to say, “why don’t you love me anymore?”

Spencer sets his fork down, “I never said that, y/n.”

“You didn't have to. I already know.”

He didn’t retaliate your accusation which alarmed you. You looked at him expectantly, hoping he would say something to defend himself. But Spencer stayed silent, unsure of what to say. So many thoughts and excuses ran through his head but none of them was a good enough response.

Spencer couldn’t even look you in the eyes. He sighs uneasily, ashamed to tell the truth, “I still love you, it’s just different now. I don’t… I don’t love you that way anymore. I’m sorry.”

Despite the softness in his voice, the words jabbed at you like knives. Your greatest fear becoming your reality.

You found your hands clinging to the side of the table. Your eyes stung with tears as you tried your best not to cry in front of him. Your voice quivered, “why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I didn’t know how to. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

You stand up and laugh bitterly. “You didn’t want to hurt me? I spent sleepless nights wondering if I made you happy, wondering if I was good enough for you, wondering if you still loved me!  For months, I fought for both of us, and you had the audacity to just stand there and watch me try and fix this relationship. You left me in the dark, Spencer. And I was hanging on by a thin thread of hope. Do you know how much misery you put me through?” 

His voice was small, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

You lean over the counter, head in your hands. “Spencer, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. Please.”

He makes his way over to you but you raise your hand before he makes another step. “Y/n, please. I don’t want to leave things like this please–”

“Spencer. Just go.” You sobbed. For the first time, you looked into his eyes. They were glossy with tears just like yours, a genuine sadness in them. 

He felt a wave of guilt as he stared at you, so close to breaking. “I’m sorry.”

The door closed with a small click and you fell to your knees. Hair stuck to the hot trail of tears that ran down your face and you hyperventilated as you struggled to find a rhythm in your breathing. 

There were still many more questions you had for Spencer. But you couldn’t bear to look at him in the face again. Loving a person who doesn’t love you back feels like lemon on a wound– a slow, slow sting. You watched him leave you and no matter what you did would have been enough to get him back. Although, you found a bit of relief knowing that in a way, you set him free. You still loved him and you just wanted to be happy– whether you were in his life or not. It was unfortunate that he didn’t find his happiness with you.

You don’t know how long you were on the floor crying and drinking wine. But when you woke up, it was dark. The only lighting in the house came from your ringing phone.  You squinted at your screen, waiting for your vision to focus. There were two missed calls from an unknown number and eight from Derek, all from the past hour. 

“Derek?” you croaked, bringing yourself up to your knees. “Is everything okay?”

“Hey, y/n. Don’t freak out, but Spencer was in an accident.”

You scramble to your feet to turn the light on, “what do you mean accident? Is he okay?”

“He’s in surgery right now but we don’t know anything else.”

“Where?”

“Hunter Medical.”

You didn’t even bother looking in the mirror before you left. “On my way.”

The roads were empty at 4 am so you took the liberty to speed to the hospital. Derek’s phone call definitely sobered you up. Upon arriving, Derek and Aaron were already at the entrance to greet you. They exchanged looks as they saw you stumble out of your car with a wrinkled blouse, smudged makeup, and tangled hair. “Is he okay?” you asked, lifting up a bra strap.

“They’re closing him up now, no complications. Are you okay?” Aaron inquired. Your eyes were bloodshot red and puffy and your faded lipstick has found its way to the side of your face. 

“Me? I’m fine… But what happened to Spencer?”

“Drunk driver,” Derek sighed, “Some guy T-Boned his car into a pole.”

“Oh my God,” you breathed. It was too much. You can’t even think straight. The wine was barely wearing off and all you could think about was how it was all your fault that Spencer was open on a table. Derek and Aaron nodded to each other, mutually deciding to talk to you in the morning when you have a clearer mindset. 

“C’mon y/n, let’s get you cleaned up a little.” Derek led you inside as Aaron followed behind.

You spent three long days in the hospital. After finding out that Spencer fell into a coma, you never left the premises of the hospital. You spent your days going in and out of the ICU when visiting hours were active. Every day, you meet the rest of his team, and every time, they give you words of comfort and hugs. You were too ashamed to tell anyone about the fight you had with Spencer, besides Derek. Not only was it humiliating to tell but you were afraid that they were going to stray from you too and as selfish as it sounds, you needed all the comfort you could get. 

Derek somehow persuaded you to go home and shower, and you did so with lots of retaliation. He insisted that Spencer wouldn’t be going anywhere. But the atmosphere, however, felt different when you came back. You found Derek with his head in his hands, something that you rarely saw him doing. 

“I’m back.”

He stands up, startled. “Y/n, hey.”

“Hey, what’s going on?”

Derek sighs, “look there’s no easy way to say this but... Reid doesn’t remember anything.”

“What do you mean he doesn’t remember anything? Spencer remembers everything.”

“No y/n, I mean he lost his memory.”

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #spencer reid x reader #derek morgan #aaron hotchner #nikki writes #mine #spencer reid fanfic #matthew gray gubler

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 23

Hello lovelies! Hope you guys are having a good day and if not.. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I went back and forth between posting this episode today or waiting until next week...but y’all know I can’t wait... just waiting this long has been killing me haha.

Anyway, with this episode the focus of the main episode (vs the half episodes) is switching to Chris while Ellie will be the focus of the half episodes. That will end once they’re back together again! How long will that be? You’ll just have to wait and find out. 😏

Enjoy this episode, it’s a long one (for me at least). And I’ll catch y’all next time.

xoxo Becca xoxo

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language

Episode Summary: Chris and his buddies in Las Vegas following the filming of Avengers two.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological. It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future. However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 22.5

Episode 23: Viva Las Vegas

September 2014

Ready for a night on the town, Chris sat on the sofa in the main living area of the penthouse that he had rented for himself and his friends in celebration of Brock and Tessa expecting their first baby.

Having come straight to Las Vegas after filming had wrapped on the second Avengers movie, Chris had been in town since last night while his friends had only arrived from LA that afternoon. He'd taken the master bedroom and had left the other four to figure out sleep arrangements for themselves. There was always a fight, but in the end, they all usually crashed on the closest bed available regardless of the decisions made earlier in the evening.

90's club music played on the penthouse sound system, making Chris feel more comfortable. It had all been too big and too quiet last night when he'd arrived. He'd planned to just go straight to bed, but that had been derailed when he'd gone into the ensuite bathroom and saw the large bathtub. His thoughts had instantly gone to Ellie and her love of taking baths; specifically, in the large soaking tub in his bathroom at home.

With his mind plagued with thoughts, he'd spent thirty minutes swimming laps in the private pool before taking a shower in the guest bathroom and going to bed, with the doors to the ensuite closed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" a voice asked from behind him.

Pulled out of his thoughts, Chris turned and saw Chucky Kellie standing in the doorway.

Not sure what to say, Chris stayed quiet, but Chucky took that as an invitation to join him.

"Tanya talked to Ellie," Chucky explained. "They invited her to the baby shower back in July. She said that you guys broke up."

"You and Ellie broke up?" another voice piped in.

"I was wondering why you looked like someone had stolen your favorite stuffed animal," a third voice said.

A grunt followed that comment and Chris didn't have to look behind him to know that Bryant had just elbowed Ray in the stomach for his remark.

"Are you guys going to go into the room or are we going to just stand here all night?" the last of his friends, Brock, asked.

Their arrival had given Chris time to think about whether or not he wanted to talk about the Ellie situation. He knew if he said he wasn't ready, they'd all go along with it and they'd go out to dinner and do a bit of gambling just like they'd planned. But even he knew it was time, past time, in fact.

Ever since that fateful day in front of his house, he'd made a point to be honest with himself even if the truth hurt. It had been easier, he supposed, thousands of miles away and busy with work. But now he was officially on a break from filming until the new year. It had seemed ideal, when he'd been planning it, to have fall and winter to relax and get back a sense of peace. But now that it had started, it seemed almost overwhelming. Especially since he had yet to decide where he was going to spend said time off.

One of the guys cleared his throat, subtly reminding Chris that they were all waiting for him to decide if he was up to talking about it or not.

Sighing, Chris said, "Ellie and I broke up."

The lack of reaction made him wonder if they'd all already known. He hadn't known Tanya to be a gossip, but he supposed she would have had to explain Ellie's absence at the baby shower to the other wives. Said wives would have then passed on the information to their husbands and then everyone would have known.

"Did she break up with you?" Ray probed, gently.

"It might have been easier if she had," Chris mused, defeatedly.

The time had come, he realized, to divulge everything that had been going on in his head and in his relationship with Ellie to someone else. As odd as it seemed, the words started coming to him easier than he thought they would. He supposed it was because, while his friends knew Ellie, they had been his best friends since before he'd been famous. They always had his back.

He knew Scott did, too. But it was different.

At the end of the day, Chris knew that his brother would choose him over anyone else that came between them. But when it came to Ellie, Chris knew she had a special bond with his brother. Scott had been with them virtually every setup of the way as they'd gone from being friends to more. And now Scott had been by Ellie's side through the aftermath of it all.

"The first time Ellie and I met," Chris found himself telling his friends. "I was completely naked." He'd never planned to share that story with anyone, but with these four, he felt like he needed to be honest and start at the beginning.

As expected, the four idiots spent a good five minutes laughing after he shared how he and Ellie had met when his mom had hired her as a housekeeper behind his back.

Once they'd calmed down, he continued the story. How he and Ellie had only spent a few weeks with each other before they'd had to share a bed not once, but twice. Then how the two of them, and Scott, had gotten close watching sports and spending time together.

"Wait, let me get something straight," Bryant interrupted. "Are you saying that the two of you hadn't even kissed when we had the kickoff party?"

"We hadn't," Chris confirmed and then followed it up with, "Did it seem like we had?"

His friends exchanged looks before Brock said, "We thought the two of you had been dating when you brought her to the wedding. Your chemistry…"

"What Brock is trying to say, is that you and Ellie seemed like you'd already known each other for a long time when we all met her," Chucky said, cutting in. "The two of you just looked so at ease."

"Even Kady and I noticed," Ray chimed in. "And we spent maybe 5 minutes with you guys."

"And then the way you two were sassing each other at the kickoff party," Bryant added.

Chris nodded as their comments brought to mind one of the fears that had plagued him; that everything had been too easy from the beginning with Ellie.

"It was easy, easier than it had ever been with anyone I've ever dated," he admitted to them. "Ellie and I spent a lot of time at home watching sports. Scott was with us most of the time, but not all the time. We just fell into an easy pattern and then I kissed her at Fenway Park after the Red Sox won the World Series."

"DUDE!" Ray exclaimed, making them all laugh. "Sorry, but that's just awesome." Considering Chris knew that Ray and Kady had met at a Dodgers game, he wasn't surprised his friend felt that way.

"Is that when you two started to officially date?" Brock asked, redirecting the conversation.

Chris shook his head and then chuckled at the memory. "She returned the kiss," he said. "But then she hid from me the next day. And then we went to a Halloween party with my brother and younger sister. I cornered her in a room and made her talk to me." Realizing how bad that sounded he quickly continued, "I mean, I waited for her to get out of the bathroom and asked her if we could talk."

Ray made kissing noises and Chris threw a pillow at him.

"Did you two kiss that night?" Chucky prompted and then smirked when Chris's face flushed.

"Fuck you all," Chris grumbled as they laughed. "Yes, fine. We made out and we might have gone farther if another couple hadn't barged into the room."

Ray let out a catcall.

"How are you married?" Brock asked him.

"Kady loves me," Ray said with a shrug. "But back to story time, Evans. Is that when you two started hooking up?"

Chris shook his head. "She went back to LA the next day and I stayed back east," he told them. "But after kissing her, I knew I wanted to kiss her again. And I really missed her. We had been spending so much time together and then suddenly we weren't. I mean, we texted a lot, but it wasn't the same."

"And when you said you wanted to kiss her again, you mean you wanted to date her right?" Bryant asked.

"Yes, definitely," Chris replied though he felt his heart twinge at the memory. He'd been so convinced last fall that he and Ellie were meant to be together. "She hadn't been so sure. She didn't want to ruin our friendship if it didn't work out."

Those words sucked the humor out of the room and out of the corner of his eyes, he saw his friends straighten. Shit was getting real now.

"I told her that it would be ok," he said with a sigh. "That we owed it to ourselves to explore our feelings. Because she told me she liked me, too." He told them about Ellie's encouragement while he was directing his movie, how he'd encouraged her to submit her resume for an editing job and how she'd told him over the phone on Christmas Eve that she wanted to give them a try.

He didn't get graphic in the details of what had happened in January, but he confirmed that he had taken her up to the bed and breakfast for a romantic getaway. And that he'd helped her celebrate the Seahawks' Super Bowl victory.

"So what happened?" Brock asked him. "When we saw you guys at the Super Bowl, you could hardly keep your hands to yourself. But then at the premiere…"

"They were secretly dating," Chucky reminded him. "He couldn't have his hands all over her."

"Obviously, but Brock is right, things weren't the same that night," Bryant argued before he looked at Chris. "Did something happen?"

"Other than getting messed up in my own head, no," Chris admitted. He sighed and told them about his journal. He knew that Chucky knew about them, after all the two of them had shared a bedroom at one point, but he didn't know the full context of them.

"And you completely shut her out when you got home?" Brock said with a frown after Chris told them.

Chris nodded. "I was so stuck in my own head, I didn't know what to do," he confessed.

The joking from earlier had stopped now that he'd gotten into the serious part of his tale. They'd been through situations like this with him before and he trusted that they'd pull him back from going too far.

Taking a deep breath, he dove headfirst into the abyss that was the downfall of his and Ellie's relationship.

"I wanted to be with her," he told them. "But at the same time, my head kept telling me that it wasn't the right time to be in a real relationship. She didn't press me to get out of the house, to go out in public with her. So we were able to keep it a secret."

He should have taken her out. He realized that now. He shouldn't have kept her a secret.

"Then everyone came for the premiere and there I was, dating someone my mom really liked and I couldn't bring myself to even tell my mom about it," he continued. "My mom isn't stupid though. I'm sure she knew what was going on. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything about it. And I don't know if Ellie wanted to tell her or if she was just following my lead on the whole situation."

He should have told his mom. She would have been happy for them both.

"And the real kicker is that I had to watch my sister introduce my girlfriend to my dad," he said. "It should have been me. That should have been a special moment for the three of us. But I just… I couldn't."

He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, offering him strength with his confession.

"Tara figured it out and said she approved," he told them. "Then I went on the press tour… and came home to find Ellie's older sister and her husband in town. They weren't staying at the house, but we had dinner with them. I liked them and I thought they liked me, too. But then the next night…"

He paused to gather his thoughts, because it was getting harder for him to talk about it all now. He thought he'd gotten past the pain, but it had been simmering under the surface.

"The next night, Ellie had a fight with her sister, who didn't like that she was living in my house, working for me and sleeping with me," he explained. "She offered Ellie money to help her find her own place. Ellie didn't take it well and she came home upset. She told me about it…"

"And it fed into the fears you already had in your head," Brock surmised. 

Chris nodded then explained, "I pulled away again, but not completely. It wasn't fair to Ellie. I see that now. I wasn't there for her, but I wanted her in my bed and to be there for me."

He felt a mixture of shame and relief as he admitted it out loud.

"She tried to get through to me, but I was so stuck in my head," he sighed. "Then I had a bad dream and made a huge mistake. Easily the biggest mistake of my life." He took a deep breath, trying to work up the courage to explain.

"Here," Ray said, tapping his hand with a shot glass filled with liquid. "I think you need this."

Chris accepted the shot and tossed it back. It burned, but it was almost a welcome relief.

"Do you need a break?" Brock asked him. "We can order room service."

Chris wanted to say no, wanted to continue, but he knew he needed a break.

"Get me a burger," he told Brock. "I'm going to get some air."

Getting up, Chris went outside to the private balcony. Somehow, they'd managed to create a relaxing outdoor oasis in the middle of Las Vegas and hundreds of feet in the air.

While he felt better getting stuff off his chest, he knew the worst was yet to come. He knew his friends wouldn't judge him for his actions, but he didn't know if any of them could mask their disappointment in him.

Hearing the door open behind him, Chris looked over and saw Brock. "We ordered dinner, they said it would be about forty minutes. We told them not to rush since we're nobody special."

A chuckle escaped Chris's lips. His friends were part of the reason he was who he was. They helped keep him grounded.

"You ready?" Brock asked him.

"No, but I want to get it over with," Chris replied. "Do we have beer?"

"Ray and Bryant were popping tops when I left the other room," Brock told him.

Chris followed his friend back inside and to the main living area. Sure enough, five beers were sitting on the coffee table with a bag of chips.

"Thought we might want a snack," Chucky said with a shrug.

Once they were all settled, Chris continued his story. "I had a dream that Ellie and I were together and we had a kid. But she was leaving me because I couldn't give her enough time because of my job," he told him. "And in the dream, she said she should have listened to her sister."

"Fuck," Ray breathed.

"Add the dream to my other thoughts and it was the making of a bad situation in my head," Chris said with a nod.

"So what was the mistake?" Bryant asked cautiously.

"I left," Chris told him. Then clarified. "In the middle of the night. Without saying anything to her."

"Dude…" Ray said, his voice laced with disbelief.

"And when you say you left?" Brock prompted.

"I packed my suitcase and left early for filming," Chris replied.

"Fuck," all four of his friends chorused.

"What did Ellie say when you two talked?" Brock asked him.

Chris didn't say anything as he felt his stomach churning. He focused on the beer bottle in his hand as he tried to will back the emotions that were bubbling just under the surface.

"Chris, please tell me that you and Ellie have talked," Brock said, quietly.

"I can't," he whispered as he blinked back his tears. "And now it's too late."

"What do you mean it's too late," Ray demanded.

"It's been 5 months," Chris said with a shrug. "I thought she was just mad at first. Which I understood, but I thought she'd at least make sure I was ok. And then when she didn't…" He took a shaky breath. "I texted Scott, checking on her. And that's what really ended it. I shouldn't have involved him and I did. And it's a fucking disaster now."

A part of him wanted to stop there, but he knew he couldn't. "I went to see her at the end of July when I found out she was moving out of my house," he explained. "There was a guy with her. And it was clear that she'd moved on."

"Clear how?" Bryant asked, his question immediately followed by a grunt of pain. "Fuck off! It was an honest question. I mean if he saw her making out with some guy, then yeah, she moved on. But if it was just a hug, maybe it was just innocent."

"I didn't stay long enough to see them kissing," Chris told him. "I told the driver to leave as soon as I saw them hugging."

A knock on the door of the penthouse saved him from having to answer any more questions. At least at that moment. He knew his friends wouldn't let the conversation stop there.

Once the food was rolled in, they migrated to the dining table to eat their dinner. Chris was silent as he ate, but the other four made small talk.

It wasn't until an hour later, when they were taking turns playing pool that Chucky asked, "Let's pretend Ellie hadn't moved on for a second. If you knew she was still single, what would you do?"

"I don't know," Chris admitted. "I fucked up."

"Forget that for now, too," Chucky said. "How do you feel about Ellie right now?"

"I think I'm in love with her." The words came out of Chris's mouth without a second of thought. They caught even him off guard, but as they settled, he realized that it was the truth. He'd spent the last six months listening to his head and ignoring his heart. Clearly, his heart had known what was really going on.

"Does that change anything for you?" Brock questioned.

"Yeah," Chris said with a nod. "But not in the way you think. I didn't treat Ellie like I should have. If this guy she is with now is treating her like she should be treated, what right do I have to ruin that for her?"

"But you love her," Ray retorted.

"Isn't there a saying about how sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go?" Chris said with a small shrug. "Besides, I'm spending the fall and winter back home in Sudbury."

"You are?" Bryant asked. "Since when?"

"Just decided," Chris replied. He shook his head. "I can't go back to the house in LA. There are too many memories there that I'm not sure I'm ready to process."

He saw his friends exchange looks but in the end they all nodded.

"Just know we're here if you need us," Chucky told him.

"I know, thank you," Chris said.

A few days later, Chris went home to Massachusetts and his mom's house. It took him a few days to settle in and to fit himself into the rhythm of the household, but he knew it was the best place for him to be.

It was at the start of his second full week that his mom had gotten the email from Ellie that he had suspected was coming: her two weeks’ notice. His mom had forwarded him the email, since it concerned his house, and he hadn't planned on reading it at all. Then, he'd woken up in the middle of the night with a sudden urge to hear Ellie's voice. He knew he couldn't call her, but he knew reading the email would let him hear her in a way and maybe offer him some closure.

Dear Lisa,

I want to thank you for taking a chance on me last year. You could have hired anyone to be the housekeeper and we both know there were people more qualified than I am. Instead, you chose me and for that I am eternally grateful.

Between my hours at the bookstore and my editing jobs, I find myself running out of hours in the day and during the week. Given that Scott is living in Chris's house permanently, I feel like it is time for me to move on from my job there.

Thank you again for taking a chance on me. It was the kindness of yourself and your family that helped me get to where I am now, finally doing the job I always dreamed of.

Sincerely,

Ellie Spencer

A bittersweet feeling came over him as he closed the email app on his phone. Setting the phone back on the bedside table, he stared up at the dark ceiling. He'd hoped to find relief in reading her words, but he hadn't. Instead, he longed to actually hear her talk. To hear her laugh.

As he remembered her laughter, a small smile tugged on his lips. It wasn't one of those melodic ones that people rave about. It was a real laugh. The kind of laugher that included snorts, wheezes and a fully body response. God, he'd loved making her laugh.

Sighing, Chris rolled onto his side. While his mom thought Ellie was just too busy to go to the house, he knew the truth. Ellie was cutting all her ties to him, and after everything he had put her through, he couldn't say he blamed her.

Then his thoughts went to his brother. What would this all mean for Scott's relationship with Ellie? Would she cut him off, too? He hoped she wouldn't and not only for the selfish reason of knowing how she was doing. No, he knew that she was an important person in his brother's life and Scott deserved the best.

Episode 23.5

Want to find me off tumblr? I'm @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

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[spencers-renaissance]

turns out that I need you now (much more than you need me)

Summary: Spencer is suffering in silence and it's only made worse when the team messes up and makes him feel even more hurt and insecure. When Hotch goes to check on him, though, things start to look up.

Tags: hurt/comfort, hurt!spencer, getting together, depression, anxiety, happy ending

Pairings: Hotch x Reid

Word Count: 3.5k

Read on AO3

The crushing pit of loneliness deep inside Spencer’s tummy never really seems to leave, the kind that makes his breath snag and his heart rate speed up just a little. He’s surrounded by people who love him, he knows that, but it doesn’t stop the heartache from consuming him; sometimes it only exacerbates it. When he sees JJ and Emily share a private joke at the coffee machine or Derek and Hotch clap each other on the back with familiar smiles on their faces, it reminds him just how removed he is. The BAU would die for him, he knows that. He’s just not sure they’d live for him.

Sometimes he thinks they notice. When Rossi shoots him a concerned look when he’s a little too quiet on the jet or Alex sits with him for just a bit too long after a case, he thinks you’re so close. You’re nearly there. But then Rossi turns to look out the window and Alex is needed somewhere else, and he’s on the sidelines again.

It’s not like it’s new, either. He’s always been a messy melting pot of insecurities and deep feelings of sadness that never fully go away, but he can’t lie to himself. Ever since the meeting last Tuesday in the briefing room, it’s been all-consuming.

He knows they hadn’t meant to, and they’d probably be horrified if they knew how much it had affected him, but the entire interaction had felt like a knife slicing cold and slow under his skin. The case had intrigued him more than others had done recently and it had been a nice feeling, being excited about the work again, so he’d told them about a study one of his colleagues had conducted during his second Ph.D. and how he’d assisted, and Derek rolled his eyes. JJ and Emily stifled a mocking smile. Rossi had tried not to laugh at the girls while Penelope had looked mildly annoyed he’d derailed her briefing. Alex, to her credit, had looked much more pissed off at their reactions than his tangent, but it was Hotch who was the nail in the coffin.

“Reid, please,” he’d frowned disapprovingly, tone harsh as his words slammed into him. “You need to be quiet. Derailing these briefings with stupid and unhelpful tangents is unprofessional and they need to stop. Garcia.” He indicated for her to continue and she’d looked at him gratefully as they all turned their attention back to the screen.

Spencer’s life, really, was a lucky dip of humiliating moments that chipped away at his confidence and sense of self-worth, but this one felt like it took the cake. The feelings that had plagued him for almost a decade throughout his career alongside these people finally felt validated, and it wasn’t even as earth-shattering as he’d expected. There was no drama, no theatrics. Everyone simply turned away while the bottom of his stomach collapsed and his breathing snagged. Even Hotch, the man he’d loved since he joined the BAU, the man who had always been protective of him, looking out for his feelings, his well-being, everything. Even Hotch couldn’t stand him anymore.

He’d worked the case fine, of course. Despite what Hotch had told him, he knew he could be professional when it was needed and he wasn’t about to compromise that. So he offered his expertise when required and kept his tangents in check, making sure to never relax in case the real Spencer spilled out and he started rambling again. It had taken a long time for him to be comfortable enough to let that side of him reveal itself to the team, and it was excruciatingly painful to pack it back away, lock it up, and pretend to be the person he’d tried to be for the majority of his life.

The unsub was apprehended, which gave him a small jump of excitement and satisfaction for a moment before the reality of the situation set back in and he was brought back down to earth. Alex sat next to him on the jet, placing a reassuring hand on his forearm for a second before offering a smile and turning to her crossword. His arm burned with the need to throw himself at her for a much-needed hug, touch-starvation settling deeply into his bones. Restraint felt painful.

The case is over now, though. There’s no adrenaline rush to keep him going, no puzzle motivating him anymore. He’s trapped at his desk, sat next to Derek and Emily’s banter and it feels like highschool again, making himself as small as possible while he prayed for no one to notice him, listening to everyone having a good time. The paperwork occupies him for a little while, but it isn’t long before he’s pulling out files to consult remotely on cases and begging Hotch for a little extra to do.

If he keeps his brain busy, his broken heart won’t weigh him down so much, he rationalises, but even the trip to the coffee machine feels like dragging himself up a mountain. He feels completely oblivious to his surroundings; like he’s stuck in a sea of molasses and everyone around him is speaking in slow-motion, blurring in comparison to the weight of everything he’s feeling.

It only becomes a problem the Wednesday after the meeting, when he finds that he just cannot get out of bed. He’s been on autopilot for at least a week, probably a lot longer than that if he’s honest with himself, and it’s like that function’s just… stopped working. He can’t get up and grab a banana before jumping in the shower and shaving, shrugging on his suit and drinking his first coffee of the day, he can’t even find the willpower to roll over in bed.

Eventually, his alarm turns itself off and he closes his eyes and goes back to sleep.

★

“Reid? Reid, can you hear me?”

The world gently comes back into focus as he concentrates on the voice coming from behind him, and the first thing he notices is it’s dark outside; somehow the entire day managed to pass him by without him realising. The second thing he notices is how absolutely ravenous he is. Stirring slowly, he eventually rolls over, only to see Hotch crouching by his bed, still in his slightly rumpled suit, though he’s not wearing a tie.

“Hotch?” he questions, sounding as baffled as he feels. Seriously, what happened to make him sleep the day away only to wake up to his boss calling his name? He feels like he should sit up and make himself presentable, but he simply doesn’t have the energy and his bed is far too warm for him to have any desire to unfurl himself from the covers.

“How are you feeling, Spencer?” Hotch replies, voice soft and careful, and that gets his attention. Hotch rarely calls him Spencer and he’s using the voice he talks to Jack or frightened victims with, not him, never him. He meets Hotch’s eyes for the first time, and they’re filled with an emotion he hasn’t seen before, one Hotch has clearly been withholding from him, but all he wants to do is melt into it, sink into the warmth and gentleness he knows will welcome him.

Still, he can’t find the motivation to question anything that’s happening, instead burying deeper down under his duvet and sighing softly. “Tired,” he mumbles eventually, but he realises something else, too, and decides to admit it. What’s the worst that could happen at this point? “Sad.”

Hotch is quiet for a short moment before he replies. “Have you eaten anything today?”

“Don’t think so,” Spencer murmurs, letting his eyes droop closed again.

“I came because I was worried about you,” Hotch says soothingly, answering the question Spencer’s been too tired to ask. “You didn’t show up for work today but we were flat out with a local case all day so I couldn’t come and check on you until now. What’s going on, Spencer? Why didn’t you come in today, or at least call me?”

He has to wait a moment to muster the energy, but eventually, Spencer sits up slightly, leaning against the pillow and the headboard, and meets Hotch’s eyes again. Thinking about what he’s about to say -- what he’s about to admit to somebody else for the first time -- makes him tear up a little, the reminder of the pain he’s been in for years aching deep and raw. “The simple answer is I’m exhausted, Hotch,” he replies, voice thick and eyes droopy. “I’m mentally and physically exhausted and I’m sad, and lonely, and afraid and I feel like I’ll never be happy, I feel like an outsider, the odd one out, and I’m done, I just cannot keep going like this, it’s impossible. And this morning I woke up and I just couldn’t will my body to get out of bed. Not caring about the consequences, I turned my alarm off and fell back to sleep.”

He’d looked away during his confession, but when he looks back at Hotch, he sees that his own eyes aren’t the only ones watering. “Spencer,” he starts, but his voice catches and he has to take a moment to compose himself. “Why didn’t you say something? You could have told me, I-- I would have helped you.” Spencer’s seriously taken aback by the scene in front of him: Hotch is crouched on his bedroom floor, looking genuinely destroyed because of some stupid emotions he’s been feeling?

“No, no. This is my own battle, I don’t deserve your help,” Spencer refutes, defeated. He sinks lower into the comfort of his mattress. “You don’t really want to help me anyway, I’m just a member of the team and you know you can’t have me lacking. I’m an obligation.” He spits the last word out as he closes his eyes against the emotional pain twisting harshly in his stomach.

“Spencer, that’s not how it is at all,” Hotch replies gently. “First and foremost, you’re my friend, and I’d do anything for you, especially anything to help and protect you. That’s how the entire team sees you--”

“You don’t have to lie,” Spencer cuts him off. “I know I’m irritating and the only reason I haven’t been booted off yet is my ability to read quickly and remember important facts. Except that’s the reason you guys resent me: I’m annoying, I go off on tangents, and I’m too clever for my own good. Too socially awkward to fit in, I know it.”

“Spence, is this about what happened last week?” Hotch ventures carefully, and Spencer flinches. “I’ve been meaning to apologise for that all week but there was no good moment, and truthfully I was ashamed. It was an inexcusable way to treat you and handle the situation, I’m so very sorry. I know that it probably made you feel small and scolded, like an outcast, exacerbating those feelings, but that wasn’t my intention, you have to realise that. I was tired, I’d been up all night with Jack who had the stomach flu, and with how time-sensitive the case was combined with the pressure coming from above, I was stressed and on edge. It wasn’t your fault, I’m the one in the wrong here.”

That makes him look up, searching Hotch’s face for signs of insincerity. “You were right though,” he denies, but his voice is weaker, wavering. “Besides, it wasn’t just you, it was everybody.”

“I’m sure that they’d feel awful if they knew how they made you feel, but nobody on this team would ever want to make you sad or feel left out, and they certainly wouldn’t want you to feel ashamed of who you are, or your incredible talents,” Hotch responds, firm and insistent. He reaches out to take Spencer’s hand. “You are so deeply loved by all of us, Spence, I wish you’d believe that.”

He looks away at that, fiddling with the fabric of the duvet cover. “Really?” he asks, hopefully. He finds it hard to believe, but Hotch looks so sincere and his voice sounds truthful. Plus, Hotch doesn’t make a habit out of lying.

“Really,” he confirms, with that small, fond smile that only graces his face on rare occasions and makes Spencer’s insides fuzzy. “Now, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to fetch us some dinner and we’ll eat it together on the couch, and then tomorrow I’m going to make a doctors’ appointment for you, okay? I know that that incident last week might have triggered this, but clearly, there are some serious underlying concerns if it was able to impact you so severely and it would make me feel better to know that you’d seen a medical professional, alright?”

“Okay,” Spencer nods, smiling back at the warmth in Hotch’s eyes.

★

Hotch dashes out to pick up a sharing platter with an excessive amount of sides from a Lebanese restaurant Spencer had mentioned he loved ages ago and helps him out to the sofa in his cosy apartment when he gets back. He wraps him up in the fluffy blanket he keeps on the arm of the sofa and hands him a plate filled with delicious food. His actions are almost loving, Spencer thinks as Hotch flicks the TV on to the history channel, knowing that it’s the only thing he’ll really watch, but he quickly quells those thoughts. Hoping is pointless.

“Is that alright, Spencer?” he asks softly, as he sits on the opposite end of the sofa and begins to tuck into his similarly loaded plate of food.

“Perfect,” Spencer smiles, feeling safe and content for the first time in weeks. Having Hotch so close to him feels like a tether to the rest of the world, a grounding force stopping him from floating away.

“Good.”

They watch the TV quietly, appreciating each others’ presence in a soft, familiar kind of way. It’s halfway through the program they’re watching about industrialisation when their plates are empty and resting on the coffee table that Spencer speaks up. “Did you know that the progression of technology really isn’t as linear as we might expect? Ancient civilisations simply invented the technology they needed; they weren’t necessarily primitive just because they didn’t have something that we now deem as essential. The Inca, for example, did have wheels, but they used them for short distances, not for long-distance transportation because of their mountainous terrain. Instead, they had complex road systems that they navigated with pack animals and they built suspension bridges long before Europeans because it was the technology they required. Egyptians never even bothered with the wheel, because their terrain was full of sand; instead, they were excellent at building boats. Technology is invented, lost, invented again all over the world.”

He blushes a little when he finishes his explanation, and looks over at Hotch properly, surprised at the expression on his face. “You’re brilliant, you know that Spencer?” he says fondly, looking genuinely in awe of the man in front of him.

“No,” Spencer tries to dismiss him, “I’m really not, it’s just what I was bor--”

He’s abruptly cut off when Hotch surges forward, crossing the small amount of distance between them on the sofa quickly, capturing his surprised, parted lips with his own. Hotch brings his hand up to rest firmly on Spencer’s jaw, caressing his thumb gently across his cheekbone as he kisses Spencer with a fervent passion he’s never experienced anyone feel for him before.

Spencer’s wide eyes meet Hotch’s melting ones as they pull gently away. “I mean it,” Hotch says softly, running his thumb over Spencer’s bottom lip. “You’re incredible, and I can’t get enough of you.” He presses another chaste kiss to his lips as if to prove he means what he says.

“I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, Hotch, you have no idea,” Spencer says breathily, staring up at him in awe as he tries to appear more put together than his mushy insides will allow.

“Me too,” he laughs softly, warming Spencer’s heart even more. “But if this is going to work, you’re going to have to stop calling me Hotch.”

“Deal,” Spencer giggles, pushing away his blanket in favour of straddling his legs and pressing another loving kiss to his lips. “Aaron.”

“God, I love the way my name sounds dripping from those lips,” he groans, gripping his waist gently, rubbing his thumbs over his stomach as he leans up to kiss Spencer again.

They kiss quietly on the sofa with the history channel playing in the background for a while, losing track of time as they melt into one another. Eventually, though, Spencer gets tired, shifting off Aaron’s lap to sit next to him, resting his head on his chest. Aaron gets the hint and wraps a protective arm around his waist, pulling him as close as possible. “I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough time, Spencer,” he whispers into his hair. “As long as you want me here, though, I promise I’ll do everything I can to prevent you from feeling like that again.”

“I know,” Spencer whispers back, drawing comfort from the musk of Aaron’s cologne and the subtle scent of sweat lingering behind it. “Just being like this makes me feel safe, though. Less alone.”

“I’m glad, sweetheart.”

Spencer nearly squeaks at that, face flushing dark red. “Sweetheart?” he asks, embarrassed.

“Do you not like it? I’m sorry Spencer, I don’t have to call you anything other than your name.”

“No, no,” he rushes to clarify. “I like it, I really do, you just surprised me, is all.”

“Good,” Aaron says, and Spencer can hear the fond smile in his voice.

“Will you,” Spencer starts shyly, before clearing his throat. “Will you stay tonight? I don’t want you to go, I want the company.”

“Of course, sweetheart. Whatever you need,” he says comfortingly, rubbing his hand gently across the span of his tummy.

It’s the best Spencer’s slept in months probably, wrapped up safely in Aaron’s arms. The bed is warm and toasty and he feels genuinely Not Alone, like he has someone in his corner. A night of comfortable and unbroken sleep is exactly what he needs and it’s what Aaron’s comforting presence and protective embrace gives him.

★

Luckily the FBI’s health insurance gets him the therapy he needs and some anti-anxiety medication which together slowly starts to improve his self-esteem and perception of those around him. Aaron’s steady support doesn’t hurt either, always there to give him a cuddle and remind him of all the good in him and others, how loved he is and how he’ll never have to be alone again, not if he doesn’t want to be.

Gradually, Spencer realises that the looks JJ and Emily shoot one another are fond; they both love his little tangents and are fondly amused by them. Spencer had never noticed the smile on his face when Derek rolls his eyes, simply teasing him in the same way he does when he ruffles his hair and calls him ‘pretty boy’ on the way to the kitchen. His entire perception of how others saw him had been completely skewed by his mind, and he was slowly unlearning those immediate assumptions.

And if it ever did go too far, he had Aaron to glare at the offending party, and squeeze his hand comfortingly under the table, giving him a cuddle and holding him protectively as soon as they were in private.

Coincidentally, it’s exactly that ritual that gets them figured out a few months later. A local police officer had been pretty awful to him when Spencer was simply trying to explain how they’d come to a certain conclusion about an aspect of an unsub’s profile. Aaron takes Spencer with him to grab some lunch for the team and as soon as they get out of the SUV and step into the parking lot of the local sandwich shop, he pulls him close and tells him how much he loves him.

They do not see Derek and Emily coming out of the shop with bags of food in their hands having had the same idea as them, mouths open until they pull away and it is much too late. Their sworn secrecy does not last long, not that they’d really expected it to, and soon the entire team is in a perpetual state of teasing. Spencer sort of loves it, though, and Aaron will put up with the type of intrusion into his private life that he usually resents if it makes Spencer smile as wide as it does when Derek or JJ make an off-handed comment about how gone for him Aaron is.

Slowly, Spencer feels that empty pit of loneliness fill back up, the aching sadness eases when he has so many hands willing to help him carry the burden. The happy ending he’d been craving for so long, the ending he’d written off as unattainable and stupid to wish for, he finally had in his hands, and he wasn’t about to let it go anytime soon.

Yes, Emily and Alex were never officially in a season together but shhh I’m writing I can do what I want.

#criminal minds #criminal minds fic #criminal minds writing #spencer reid #aaron hotchner #hotch #hotch x reid #my writing #hotchreid

[crossoversfics]

Boy Genius (Chapter 1)

(Spencer Reid x Malcolm Bright)

Reid pushed open the clear glass doors to the BAU offices. There was a hurried air about the place, which was quickly made even more so when Garcia appeared at the top of the stairs waving him down.

“Reid! We have a case! Hotch wants us to meet him in the briefing room ASAP!”

“Coming!” He called back.

She nodded and shuffled/walked in her trademark fashion into the briefing. Reid noted that she was wearing her fuchsia pink lipstick as well as her most over the top dress with the sequins. Penelope liked to compensate for the evil that paid their bills with her extremely ‘vibrant’ wardrobe. The more she stood out the worse it was. He frowned to himself, the case must be bad.

Almost the moment he was through the door, Morgan grabbed his shoulder and leaned in, “Kid, we found him”. 

For the second time that day, Reid frowned, but he knew exactly to what Morgan was referring, “Dr. Arthur? How? We haven’t had a lead in almost five years.”

“NYPD just called,” Hotch answered for Morgan, “two new bodies were found in Grand Central”.

To be precise, the remains of two bodies were found,” Garcia wrinkled her nose as she clicked through the slides, “Two hours ago NYPD was called to Grand Central Station for a bomber threat. The caller did not identify himself but gave explicit instructions on the location of a bomb. When police arrived, they did not find a bomb, instead-.”

“They found two bodies that had recently been in an explosion,” JJ said softly looking at the images on the screen.

It was all Garcia could do to nod in reply.

Was there any sign of pre-mortem torture before the explosion?” Prentiss asked, a thoughtful expression came over her features.

Yes, and the ME was able to determine both victims were males but they are still waiting on ID’s”.

Reid noticed Garcia peeking at the plasma but quickly she closed her eyes again. He flipped through his paper folder, and noticed a small detail he hadn’t recognized previously, “This says that the teeth were removed?”

Yeah, I saw that too,” Rossi replied twisting his signet ring around his finger, “It says that the ME noted the teeth had been removed pre-mortem as well. What’s that about? Is this a part of the torture?”

“If this is Dr. Arthur it would go against his previous MO. He always left the victims’ faces untouched when he tortured them”. Morgan’s eyebrows knitted together as he spoke.

Hotch chimed in, “That’s the first thing we need to rule out. Five years is a long dormant period for any serial killer so this could be a copycat trying to impress him or is too inadequate to come up with an original MO. Wheels up in twenty.”

Everyone began exiting the room, but Garcia’s voice stopped them.

“Wait, wasn’t this the guy that alternated between bombing buildings and then torturing two men before blowing them up somewhere else? Isn’t that this guy?” She gulped a little as she spoke.

“Yes,” JJ nodded slowly, “Which means copycat or not we don’t have long before an actual bomb goes off.”

She locked eyes with Reid, and he saw the tension in her jaw. “I’m fine JJ,” he said as they walked out, “He won’t get away this time.”

“No he won’t,” Morgan agreed squeezing both of their shoulders, “This time we will bring him in.”

“You sure about that?” JJ’s voice held some very thinly veiled skepticism, “He completely fooled us last time around and it nearly got Spence killed.”

 “That was before,” Reid made sure his voice projected confidence, “Morgan is right. We’ll get him.”

“Atta boy,” Morgan clapped him on the back.

Reid smiled and separated from them to swing by his desk. He waited a moment and watched the others enter the elevators. Once the doors closed, he grabbed a key from under his desk and unlocked his filing cabinet. His fingers flew, knowing exactly what he was looking for. A thin envelope brushed against his fingertips. He pulled it out and stuffed it into his bag. After re-locking the cabinet and returning the key to its hiding place, he glanced around one more time as he stood and made his way to the elevators. It took a minute for an empty one to open. Finally, one did, and he stepped inside. Reid blew out a long-held breath once he was inside. No one had seen the envelope and it needed to stay that way for now.

                                                                ~

It had been almost three hours since the call about the bomb had come into the department. He could not understand for the life of him why the hell he was sitting in Gil’s office and not out at the crime scene. Malcolm felt a tingle in his right hand. He looked down and sure enough his tremor was back. Not noticeable to the untrained eye but to him it might as well have been a siren. He had been doing so well for months and one case was derailing all of his progress. He looked around, worried his mother might show up at that exact instant. She had an unnerving way of doing that. 

Closing his eyes, Malcolm focused on his breathing. He needed to relax, or he just needed a case. That always did the trick and one had landed so conveniently in his backyard. A soft click behind him alerted him to Gil’s presence and he shot out of his seat.

“Gil! Finally! Why didn’t you have me meet you at the crime scene? It looks like Dr. Arthur, which makes this a serial killer case. That’s my specialty.”

“Bright!” Gil held up a hand, “Calm down. We’ll head over to the scene in a minute. I just needed to talk to you about something first.”

Gil looked him over with one of his I-am-constantly-worried-about-you looks. Malcolm focused on controlling his hand. He couldn’t afford a tremor right now. Eventually, Gil seemed satisfied and walked around behind his desk and sat down. 

After a moment he spoke, “The brass caught wind that this could be Dr. Arthur and they called in the FBI.” He paused briefly, “I had no say in the matter.”

It was a while before Malcolm replied. He clenched and unclenched his jaw multiple times. At length he spoke, “Is this a matter of whether our team can handle the case or whether I can?”

“Kid, we are still working the case. That’s better than being taken of it entirely” Gil intertwined his fingers, “All I know is what they told me. The Behavioral Analysis Unit is the one we will be working with.”

“Gil, they couldn’t be more clear if they had written it on the wall. That’s an entire team of profilers!” He glared at the window overlooking the rest of the office. If he thought he needed to control the shaking before he had been sorely mistaken. “This is just their passive aggressive way of saying, how did JT put it, that I’m wack.”

Gil leaned forward and rested his arms on his desk, “They are working with us, not against us.” 

Malcom sighed and rubbed his left temple, “Gil, all due respect, you don’t know the FBI like I do. They probably already know about my unfortunate relations, and if they don’t they’re profilers.” He glanced sideways at his mentor.

Gil didn’t reply.

Malcolm felt a massive tremor coming on which was just what he did not need right now. He stood up and thrust his hand in his pocket, walking to the door. Before he opened it he looked back at Gil, “If you could not mention Dr. Whitly I would appreciate it. I’m tired of having to defend my sanity for the hundredth time.”

Gil nodded, “Kid-”

“I’m good.” Malcolm gave him a tired smile and walked out.

                                                                 ~

David Rossi smiled as he walked into the NYPD office. Aaron was right behind him as they stood in the entrance looking for someone in charge. Rossi had spent many hours in this building back when the BAU was just getting started and there was one face in particular that he was looking for.

“David Rossi?”

He turned to meet the voice and to his immense pleasure it was exactly who he had been hoping it was, “Gil Arroyo! It has been too long! How have you been?”

Gil smiled, “I’ve been good, and better now that you’re here. I had thought you’d retired?”

“Yes, but I found that writing about solving crimes doesn’t quite do the trick.” Rossi laughed, “It’s good to see you old friend.” Then he remembered why he was there, “Oh, forgive me, this is Aaron Hotchner our unit chief and a good friend of mine.”

Aaron stepped forward and shook Gil’s hand, “It’s good to meet you, I’ve heard many stories. I was told you are the leading investigator on the case?”

Rossi’s lips twitched upward slightly, leave it to Aaron to get right down to business. Gil was leading them to a conference room and relaying what he knew about the case.

“This is where we usually do our briefings, it should be big enough, although I had thought there were more of you.” He said looking at Rossi.

“There are. Agents Prentiss and Jareau are heading down to talk with your ME and Morgan and Reid are headed to the crime scene.” Aaron answered.

“Ahh well I have Detective Powell with the ME and Detective Tarmel at the crime scene so they should be introduced here shortly.” Gil said nodding.

As he was speaking, Rossi remembered something, “Hey, Gil didn’t you tell me you had your own profiler? I thought I remembered hearing he was some sort of prodigy.”

Gil smiled, “Yes, that would be Malcolm Bright. He’s our resident genius you might say.”

“Well maybe I can convince him to join the agency then.” He laughed.

Gil smiled again but this time it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Rossi wondered at that but now wasn’t the time to ask. It was time to get to work.

#malcom bright #dr spencer reid #crossover #criminal minds #prodigal son #malcolm whitly #spencer reid #nypd #bau #gill arroyo #dani powell #jt tarmel #martin whitly #ainsley whitly #jessica whitly #aaron hotchner #emily prentiss #derek morgan #jennifer jareau #david rossi #penelope garcia #serial killer #bomber #grand central station #edrisa tanaka

[feigeroman]

Thomas OCs: Albert

Number: 24 Class: LMS Stanier Jubilee 4-6-0 Built: 1934 Arrived on Sodor: 1935 Service (Shed): NWR Main Line (Barrow-In-Furness) Livery: NWR Express Passenger Blue

Albert Regaby, Viscount Harwick - to give his full name, is something of an oddity in the NWR roster, having still been virtually brand-new at the time of his arrival. He was actually built by the LMS in 1934, as a testbed for what would ultimately become Stanier’s Jubilee class. By the time full production of this class began later that year, the prototype engine was deemed sufficiently different enough to be non-standard, and placed into storage at Crewe Works, pending a final decision on what was to be done with him.

That winter, Sir Topham Hatt called in a favour with Stanier, an old friend of his, to have Henry rebuilt after the infamous Flying Kipper incident. Stanier agreed for Henry to be sent to Crewe for his rebuild, and in return offered to sell his Jubilee prototype to the NWR, to handle Henry’s work in his absence. He also agreed to send one of his new Black Fives, to give Sir Topham Hatt a taste of how the rebuilt Henry would perform - the latter engine went on to become the NWR’s #23, Barbara.

Albert, meanwhile, arrived on the NWR early the following year, and initially ran in his original works grey livery. This was later replaced by the railway’s own house colours, and it was also at that time that he officially gained his name - after the NWR’s first chairman, who’d retired the previous year. As promised, Albert did a brilliant job at filling in for Henry, and most of the engines grew to like him just as much...

Most of them, anyway. Gordon was the odd one out, as he inevitably became jealous of the newcomer, and more than a little suspicious. Albert simply took it in his stride at first, but Gordon’s delusions of grandeur forced him to throw down the gauntlet and challenge him to prove he was as superior as he claimed. The outcome was predictably disastrous for Gordon, as he ended up derailing after trying to pass through a rough section at speed. Then, to rub salt in the wound, not only did he have to be rescued by Albert, but afterwards, he was placed on slow goods duties as punishment, while Albert took over his express!

When Henry eventually returned home, he was initially jealous of Albert as well, but this quickly passed, as he was so pleased to be back, and Albert was so friendly. It was at this point that Albert was transferred to Barrow-In-Furness, so that he could handle expresses originating from that end of the Main Line. As such, he only sees our famous heroes on a relatively infrequent basis.

One could be forgiven for thinking that Albert is as grand and pompous as express engines usually are - especially considering he’s named after his railway’s chairman - but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Albert’s actually very humble, sensible and level-headed, and he frequently serves as the peacemaker whenever he’s around. Unfortunately, this tends to cause problems with engines who aren’t familiar with him, as they often suspect him of putting on a facade, or otherwise hiding some dark secret. Gordon in particular still isn’t entirely comfortable with him, and he remains just a little bit paranoid that one day Albert might come after his job. This has resulted in something of a rivalry developing between the two engines. Actually, it’s more one-sided, as Gordon takes it more seriously than Albert, who sees it as a much friendlier affair.

Trivia

Albert started off as a Jubilee, and finished off as one, but in the interim, he went through quite a few changes:

To begin with, he was known as Anthony, and painted in a silver livery similar to Spencer. Then I changed his livery to the Silver Jubilee look as shown in the above photo (incidentally, the engine shown is actually Kolhapur, who ran in this disguise for a period in the 1990s).

After that, I was quite taken with a freelance model done by Corbs of Sudrian Histories fame, of a hypothetical attempt to make a compound version of the Patriots. I incorporated this into the backstory of Anthony, whose name was similarly expanded to Anthony Westlin. However, I ended up scrapping this concept, as I lost interest in trying to put together the chain of events that would see Anthony built, and subsequently sold to the NWR. Here’s a photo of the model in question:

In the end, I decided to go back to the Jubilee, this time retaining the compound’s blue livery. I also realized that around the point he enters NWR service, the railway’s chairman would have recently retired, and it seemed logical that the engine should be named after him.

#thomas the tank engine #the railway series #sodor #island of sodor #north western railway #ttte headcanon #ttte analysis #ttte oc #original character #albert the jubilee engine

[wetalkinboutbooks]

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland

Summary: Jane McKeene was born two days before the dead began to walk the battlefields of Gettysburg and Chancellorsville—derailing the War Between the States and changing America forever. In this new nation, safety for all depends on the work of a few, and laws like the Native and Negro Reeducation Act require certain children attend combat schools to learn to put down the dead. But there are also opportunities—and Jane is studying to become an Attendant, trained in both weaponry and etiquette to protect the well-to-do. It’s a chance for a better life for Negro girls like Jane. After all, not even being the daughter of a wealthy white Southern woman could save her from society’s expectations.

But that’s not a life Jane wants. Almost finished with her education at Miss Preston’s School of Combat in Baltimore, Jane is set on returning to her Kentucky home and doesn’t pay much mind to the politics of the eastern cities, with their talk of returning America to the glory of its days before the dead rose. But when families around Baltimore County begin to go missing, Jane is caught in the middle of a conspiracy, one that finds her in a desperate fight for her life against some powerful enemies. And the restless dead, it would seem, are the least of her problems. (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:  

 → Geena:  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

 → Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Overall: This is one of the first suggestions we got and HOO BOY IT WAS A GOOD ONE. The perfect mix of action, comedy, murder, and beating up racists.... exactly what we need in a book. 

~Spoiler-full discussion below~ 

The Good:

→ Jane

Geena: I don’t think I’ve read a book where the protagonist just has so much raw power like… at the risk of sounding like I’m from 2012.. But like… my mind was totally blown. We meet Jane during a training exercise at Miss Preston’s zombie slaughtering school where we learn about all the nasty details that lead to the school’s creation. SO ESSENTIALLY, following the civil war (which ended prematurely bc u kno…. zombies) slavery is “abolished” and instead the whites decided it’d be better to set up schools to train black and native people to kill zombies for them 🙄 AND that’s where we meet Jane, in the middle of a training exercise. We also learn that she’s the daughter of one of the more wealthy white women in the area which was very scandalous given the u kno.. R a c i s m… and that even her mother’s status couldn’t keep her from being sent to the school. Jane also recounts moments from her childhood such as almost being killed when she was born… and she does it so nonchalantly that I fucking died dude. 

Kae: Nobody: …..

Jane: Yeah my momma tried to drown me. She doesn’t think I remember but I do… ANYWAY. 

Geena: LMAOOOOOOO YEA I FUCKING LOST IT LIKE DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN LIKE SHE IS SO RAW… BUT YEA, also Justina Ireland does this cool thing where she has excerpts from the letters Jane sends her mother which outline events that are VERY different from what actually happens in the chapter, and fuck I loved that sm. Jane is I think one of the girls that can read at the school and she’s got a liking for the science behind the biology of zombies but she gets in trouble cONSTANTLY because she’s too cool for Miss Preston’s school… ok jk no she gets into trouble because she always manages to piss off that one racist ass bitch, Miss Anderson. In the first few chapters we learn that Jane is smart, strong, and a total babe even though she doesn’t think so :(. 

I loved how Jane was written to be slightly hot-headed but not like bullheaded, like she would get angry real quick but she’d know when to act on her urges to beat the shit out of people. And I guess this stems from her childhood like…. SHE MURDERS HER DAD IN COLD BLOOD BC HE TRIED TO CHOKE THE LIFE OUTTA HER and also to preserve her mom’s secret which was that she was a white-passing black woman. And bc her dad was a racist white man Jane knew that wouldn’t bode well for anyone…. She did all this when she was like eight so like…. WILD (It’s what he deserved tho) but yea ever since then Jane’s been playing the game like a pro. She’s a pro zombie slayer that doesn’t take shit from ANYONE even when it lands her in trouble, and she cares a lot for the people around her even though she might pretend that she’s only out to get back to her mom. AND I LOVE HER for everything she does, but FUCK SHE WENT THROUGH SO MUCH SHIT IN THIS BOOK THAT IT HURT TO READ. ALSO WE FIND OUT THAT SHE’S BI…. WE STAN A BISEXUAL BADASS

→ Katherine

Kae:  Geena summed up, Jane very well! Jane is smart (and could read so her teachers were pissed), strong, and just an all around badass. I really love her. She deserves the world. 

Well, moving on to Katherine. Katherine is another student at Miss. Prestons school and she and Jane don’t get along well. Kate, as Jane calls her, which Katherine HATES, because she likes to be called by her full name. She is white passing with very light skin and blue eyes. She has blonde, loose curly hair and is described as absolutely gorgeous. Jane is a little jealous of her and hates admitting it. But she’s like “She’s gorgeous, it is what it is… But she’s from Virgina so ugh.” Katherine is right up to par with Jane’s zombie slaying skills and is the top of her class. Katherine is dainty, bougie, and a total rule follower. She’s into fashion and trying to find a good job protecting white folks from zombies when she graduates Miss. Prestons. She thinks of Jane as a little unruly and wild. But she tries her damndest to be respectful to Jane, even if they can’t stand each other.  

So, moving forward a bit. Kate is kind of nosey so she’s always catching Jane doing some shit she isn’t supposed to be doing… like having books smuggled to her by a boy named Red Jack. She also overhears Jane and Jack discussing how his sister went missing and he needs help to find her. So, she self invites and tags along later that night. In the mean time,  Jane and Kate have a lecture they need to attend to. When they get there, they realize that there is going to be a demonstration of proof that a “Shambler Cure” actually works. Shamblers are zombies. So this professor has a cage of three zombies and has some poor, black man risk himself and get bit. He has supposedly already been injected with the cure. Jane was like “this shit fake… He boutta die.” And Jane tries to interrupt, but she is quickly hushed. The antidote or cure or whatever DOESN’T work and the dude turns into a zombie. Jane shoots him down, then the other zombies get loose and now everyone is in a panic. Jane and Katherine take them down and save the day. A few weeks later, that are invited to the mayors house to “protect” it. (They really were only asked just so they could show up and be seen…) Someone turns into a Shambler, Jane takes them down, then that’s settled. So now they’ve saved the day TWICE. 

Red Jack has somehow SNUCK IN to the damn mayors house, so him and Jane do some snooping. They get caught. Then by default, Katherine gets in trouble. Well, Katherine gets in trouble because she is too pretty and none of the white women want her around because they think their husbands or whoever will start to be like👀  and the women get jealous. Katherine was out of a job before it even started because she’s just too damn gorgeous. So Kate, Jane, and Red Jack get sent off to the WILD WILD WEST BAYBEEE. But it actually sucks.  Let’s talk about Red Jack before we get into that though.

Geena: NGL KATE’S THE TYPE OF GIRL I WOULD’VE ABSOLUTELY HATED TOO IF I WAS JANE BUT!!!!! I love how we get to see the friendship develop between the two as they both learn about each other’s past and that maybe they CAN be friends. Also, Kate is ace and wants to travel the world which I RESPECT… but oh yea I was gonna say Jane and Kate are the true enemies to best friends trope. ALSO HER BACKSTORY IS SAD BRUH LIKE everyone looking down on her bc she’s from virginia smh……… okay but seriously the fact that Kate was constantly trying so hard to compensate for the fact that she came from a brothel that she became Miss Perfect (OR AT LEAST that’s what we learn from Jane’s perspective and as @zemenipearls pointed out Jane isn’t a reliable narrator so Kate’s backstory is kinda shady at this point but that’s what we think it is) 

→ Red Jack 

Kae: Let’s talk about Red Jack! Jackson Keats, aka Red Jack is Jane's ex boyfriend. He got the name “Red Jack” because he’s a redbone. He’s described with light brown skin and blue eyes. He also has a gold tooth and short curly hair with hints of auburn. He’s smart and can scheme his ass off and is known for taking big risks.  He also smuggles Jane books when she ask and send letters out to her mother for her. It’s also noted that he cannot read. He deals in dirty business, mostly scamming people out of money. But the kid has to make a living! I like him. Jack has a little sister named Lilly who is white passing. So he sent her with a nice white family who would let her blend in with them so she could avoid being sent off to a school like Miss. Prestons. Jack and Jane, despite them being exes, are decent friends I think. Jane hates to admit it, but she still likes Jack (even though he gets on her nerves). 

At a certain point, Jack’s little sister, along with the family she is staying with, completely disappear. Their house in still in tact, but they aren’t there. He’s worried because his sister would’ve sent word if she knew they were leaving. But he hadn’t heard a thing from her, and went to Jane. So Jane, Jack, and Kate end up at the Spencers’ house to look for clues. They can’t find anything, but they DO overhear Miss. Anderson and two other men say that they needed to clean the house out and remove all of their belongings. 

Later, when we get to the mayor’s dinner party that was previously mentioned, Jack and Jane run into each other and go snooping around the governor's office. There, Miss. Anderson is waiting for them and they are CAUGHT. She drags them to the Mayor’s basement where he is ready to send them off to a town called, Summerland, that is way out west. It’s a town where he is trying to uphold white supremecy and slavery.There, he will make sure that anyone who is black, is treated as if they are still slaves.  A man named Mr. Redfern, a Native man, escorts them out West. They are given dulled down weapons to protect the town from Shamblers, and well, this is just no good. When Jack and the crew arrive in Summerland, he punches the shit out of Redfern and tries to make a run for it. He is then tackled, jailed, and that’s the last we see of him… for a while. 

Geena: holy shit Kae litcherally outlined everything about Red Jack PERFECTLY. He’s how you would say a rascal… a cute rascal (Jane would agree). 

Kae: Lmao Jane’s got taste. I gotta give her that. BAD BOYZ are my thing lowkey

Geena: oKAY but SEE RED JACK IS A BAD BOI WITH A GOOD HEART. I mean yeh he and Jane had a “messy breakup” but they were still friends and he smuggled out letters for her mom and brought her books, and she helped him around with his ~business~ however shady it was. But I also liked how he was an idiot, I mean in the sense that UNLIKE JANE who knows how to control her anger and use it in the future, Jack just pops off like how Kae mentioned him decking Mr. Redfern. Jane thought about it but also thought ahead and realized she wouldn’t get far doing that. Red Jack tho… Boy thought he could outrun like 3 grown men 😭 AND WHEN THE READER AND JANE WERE LED TO BELIEVE THAT HE’D DIED?? BRO??? I WAS LIKE…. HOW U GONNA MAKE THIS CHARACTER A CHARMING LIL SHIT AND THEN KILL HIM ALMOST RIGHT AWAY…. BUT then when he came back I WAS THROWN.

Time to project BUT I love characters like Red Jack you know they’re shady and like to play everything off as a joke but when they get serious… they get serious. And I wonder what role he’s going to play in the second book, because all he cares about in his life is his family aka Lily right… Would he accompany Kate and Jane to save her momma when it would mean leaving Lily with people he probably can’t fully trust? Also, how did Jane and Red Jack even meet? I think it’d be cool to see where he came from, and what happened to the rest of his family and that’s another reason why I can’t wait till book 2!  

The Bad:

→ Miss. Preston and Miss Anderson

Geena: Man, we don’t even meet Miss Preston that long in the book like she has a few scenes here and there but god she is the fucking worst! Who runs a school and houses young black women and gives them a refined education with training with specialized weapons.. Only to ship them to a town where slavery is making a comeback??  And pretending like you care about them?? Disgusting… We all assume that Miss Preston is innocent and is busy running her school until the dinner that Kae has mentioned above where we find out that she’s in cahoots with the Mayor and has been supplying him girls from her school for as long as he has needed them… how “white allies” be sometimes… I really hope… from the bottom of my heart that she was devoured by a shambler bc it’s the only fate that she deserves you know… And then we have the hoe ass Miss Anderson who didn’t even try to hide her contempt of Jane and doted on Katherine → This we realize later into the book is solely because of how white-passing Katherine was and because Miss Anderson is a big ol’ racist who uses slurs like it’s nobody's business. 

Now, I realize that Ireland was trying to outline the different types of racists you come across in life. There’s those that pretend to be your friend and support you up front but behind your back they won’t hesitate to fuck you over (aka Miss Preston), like Miss Preston does help out Jane initially when she’s unfairly tested by Miss Anderson, but Preston also is the one to support sending Jane to Summerland so like….. and also we have your standard brand of racist aka Miss Anderson that doesn’t even try to hide how antiblack and dehumanizing she is because she straight up doesn’t care and knows that Jane or anybody else can do shit about it. 

→ Mr. Redfern

Kae: Okay, so now we’ve got Mr. Redfern. Mr. Redfern is a tall,  handsome, Native American man who is always scowling at Jane. He doesn’t like her and she isn’t sure why… That is, until our girl asks him. He thinks she is wasting her talents when she sneaks out and kills shamblers in the night. 

Geena: OKAY WAIT WAIT WAIT THIS BRINGS UP THE QUESTION.. HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN SPYING ON HER

Kae: OHHHH SHIT YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK. YOOO. HE HAD TO HAVE BEEN WATCHING HER FOR MONTHS. 

Geena: I FEEL LIKE…. THERE’S SOMETHING WE’RE MISSING BUT IDK WHAT

Kae: THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR BEING A SPEED READER. I BE MISSIN’ SHIT. Whew. Okay, so as you can see, we’ve just come to a sudden realization! Mr. Redfern is a sneaky son of a gun. 

But uhh, he mentions that he was taken from his tribe and sent off to one of the “Indian Shambler Schools” where he was given a new identity, etc. This is also basically what happened to Native Children back in those days, in order to erase their heritage and their entire selves. This was how they forced people to assimilate. They were sent to Indian Industrial Schools. 

Mr. Redfern is in cahoots with the Mayor (by force) and is the one to basically help kidnap Jackson, Jane, and Katherine. He stuffs them on a train for a week and at the end of their trip, they are out west. We don’t see him again after this. But later, we find out that he made Jackson a deal and sent him to a town not too far from Summerland to do “business”. Thus, when Jack returns to Summerland to steal ammunition for said town, he runs into Jane and Katherine and tells them Red Jack helped him out. 

ALTHOUGHHHH, REDFERN HELPED JACKSON, I DON’T LIKE HIM. HE WAS UNNECESSARILY MEAN TO JANE AND KIDNAPPED THE CREW AND THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. 

Geena: Yess Mr. Redfern, the man we thought would be an ally but turned out to be the opposite. Once again this mimics history I suppose because there were instances of indigenous people aiding the whites when it came to slavery and I suppose Ireland was trying to write that but she also makes it writes that while he is helping them he doesn’t seem too proud of it. But the matter of the fact is, he’s still helping enforce the white man’s rules. Though I do hope with the turn of the second book Mr. Redfern leaves that shit behind and decides to fully switch sides, aka let the whites to their own dirty work and help the people with a real cause.

ALSO, I keep talking about the second book but I really hope we meet more indigenous characters that aren’t Mr. Redfern you know, but those that aren’t under the thumb of a white person :( ALTHOUGH, I love how Ireland has the excerpt at the end where it mentions the residential schools in-depth and she encourages readers to research more of it which leads me to believe that we’ll be hearing more of them coming the next book as well. 

Kae: Just one more small part. I was like, completely convinced that those looks Redfern were shooting at Jane was because he thought she was cute. That is until Jane was like “alright, he CLEARLY doesn’t like me” and I was like oh… I totally misread those signals and I’m an idiot. BUT WHATEVER IT’s FINE. I do, however, think he will turn around. I don’t think he’s like, inherently bad. He’s just forced to do bad shit. Everyone is trying to survive in this world and I’m NOT giving him an excuse, but like, I get it. Ya feel me?

Geena: oKAY BUT KAE I TOO THOUGHT HE WAS INTO HER SO THAT MAKES US BOTH BOOBOO THE FOOL. AND YEA, it comes down to survival in a world where you’re not even considered human BUT that doesn’t excuse any actions. 

Kae: .jpg “we irritating” meme 

Geena: Is it even our review if we don’t have at least one (1) meme reference

The Ugly:  

→ Every single white person (minus Mr. Gideon) 

Geena: So I really enjoyed this book but Justina Ireland didn’t pull any punches when it came down to the true and dark details of the time period she was writing. She captures the essence of white folks, even during an apocalypse they find the time to push their white supremacy and tread on the backs of the black and indigenous people. I was grinding my teeth for a majority of the book, the way people would talk down to all the black characters and simply refer to them as though they weren’t human.

Mayor Carr, the Sheriff, and the Priest are the faces of white supremacy that think it’s in their destiny to put down bipoc and use them as slaves (though they won’t call it that) and fuck dude… Mayor Carr is like Miss Preston, pretends to be an ally and is using the people he pretends to support as fodder for his white supremacist wasteland. Even Jane mentions that he’s no better than other white men but people pretend he’s the best politician they have.

The Sheriff doesn’t even disguise his racism, he’s your typical ‘slavery wasn’t that bad’ assfuck and the way he treats Katherine bc he has an ugly crush on her thinking she’s white is disgusting bc you know if he knew that she’s simply white-passing he’d probably murder her in cold blood… and when he finds out, the exact thing Jane was afraid would happen to her mother almost happens to Katherine (she almost dies at the hand of the Sheriff’s fugly ass)....and fuck Katherine handled it so well even though she was very much uncomfortable the whole time. And the way Jane murdered him?? With no remorse… I fucking loved that, IDK if Justina Ireland was trying to go for a Jane is unhinged vibe (bc that’s how Katherine reacted to it) but I was like fuck yea girl shoot him a few times more for good measure.

The Priest is the biggest shit of them all like I cannot even begin to…… Every time I think of his wrinkly ass my blood pressure rises three levels because holy fuck. He preaches that he’s a holy man and that he’s only carrying out the orders of God and so on, and it’s DIGOSTENG the way he uses the bible as a weapon to put down the black and indigenous folk around Summerland. He blames them for how they look and says it’s their duty to “serve their white superiors” as redemption so that they may get a place in heaven 🙄🙄🙄🙄 This reminds me of what Kae had mentioned before about the story of Nate Turner who knew how to read so the plantation owners would make him read a fucked-up version of the bible to the others and like….. White people really took a faith founded by a brown man and turned it into a weapon for their white supremacy it’s disgusting. But what was really sad was that there are still people to this day like the Priest that have pretty hefty roles in churches and so on… spewing their racist rhetoric and god I can’t even fucking deal, every time he and Jane interacted I just wanted her to snap his neck in half and call it a day…. Like what was his old ass gonna do? Fart? 

Kae: Sweet! So Geena pretty much covered everything. The Sheriff is a whole ass bitch and he has a bunch of lackeys doing his dirty work while he parades around Summerland and berates anyone who is of colour. Basically, he has black people shipped out to the West so they can sacrifice themselves to defend Summerlands inhabitants with faulty weaponry and experiments. When Jane brings up that she needs better weapons so she can do her job, she’s slapped for it and told to deal with it. The black people and everyone else who is considered of low status, are treated horribly. They’re all shoved in a hot attic with thin, dirty blankets to sleep on the floor. They are locked in their rooms at night and forbidden to leave until it is time for them to work again. They all also barely have enough to eat, so essentially, they are starving. Jane and her new companions are overworked, underfed, and are only able to bathe once a week. It’s truly barbaric. The Sheriff wants to make sure they know they are “below” white people and were only created to serve them. It’s disgusting and I wanted to kill the man myself. It was infuriating reading how horrible they were treated and all of the slurs they were called. Slurs I forgot even existed. 

The Sheriff catches Jane one night after she had snuck out, and beats her in front of the whole town. He ties her to a pole, strips her shirt off, and whips her. I actually had to skip that part because I couldn’t bare to read it. It was too much and I just couldn’t do it. I’ve seen enough of it. Jane, even though she is inches away from death, is saved by Katherine speaking out against it. Since the Sheriff has a crush on her, he stops, and allows Jane to join her in the safe part of Summerland to be her servant. I usually don’t like reading books about my people being so poorly treated, but Jane shot his ass point blank when she had the opportunity and I reveled in that. I love to see us fight back! 

As for the Priest, he is the Sheriff’s father so he helps influence the bullshit that goes on in town. It is also heavily implied that underestimating the Priest is not the best decision. He apparently beat someone to death so that’s fuckin wild, considering how much of an old racist fuck he is. ANYWAY, he gives sermons every night on how “the Negro” was meant to serve and how they are to “stay in their place” and I cringed through the whole thing. It was horrible. Almost no one in the town likes the Sheriff or the Priest. The whore’s, the “slaves”, and Mr. Gideon (the Mayor's son), were all forced to be in Summerland and they hate it and the two bastards in charge. This drives them to conduct a plan to kill them both so they can escape. The plan was to have Katherine pretend to be white, have the Sherif fall in love with her, then Jane takes him out of the picture. But things didn’t go as planned so it took a few extra steps of danger BUT they made it and scarcely avoided a big zombie horde, and made it out. 

Geena: OH YEA MR. GIDEON….. He’s supposed to be this scientist guy with a limp which we find out he does on purpose, and he KNOWS that Katherine is white-passing but he doesn’t say shit bc unlike the rest of the white men there he isn’t racist and he’s trying to figure out a way out of the town… Also, this man-made an electricity grid run off of zombies and that was so fucking funny to me for no reason other than it reminded me of a scene from a sitcom when Jane walked in on the contraption. ALSO, JANE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A THING FOR MR. GIDEON AND IT MAY OR MAY NOT BE RECIPROCATED? LIKE It’s funny reading Jane’s attraction to him like “he’s nerdy lookin… but in a cute way” but am I here for it?? Undecided...

Conclusion

Kae: So in conclusion, this book was really good. I enjoyed reading this AU of a zombfied civil war. It was interesting to see how things played out. I thought the world-building was pretty cool and I like how the South was called “The lost states” because they’d been lost to zombies. They also LOST THE WAR LMAOOO BITCHASSES. Anywaaaaay, I think Jane is such a strong, beautifully written character. She’s hotheaded, but she isn’t impulsive. She’s brave and she knows when to strike. She is smart, cunning, and a joy to be around. If she were real, I’d absolutely be her friend. She’s my kind of person. She keeps it real and I like that. Katherine is kind of complex and I can’t wait to find out more about her. She hides behind this proper, boujie demeanor, but I think a lot of it is a facade. I like how though Katherine is white-passing, she NEVER forgets or dismisses that she is black. She knows who she is and she hated pretending to be white. As for Jackson! He's impulsive, suave motherfucker and I hope we see more of him too! I think he’s going to have a bigger role to play in the next book and I’m ready to see what it’ll be. I can’t wait to find out what is in store for these characters because they are all beautifully written and their friendships are puuuure baybeeee.

Geena: GIRL YOU SUMMED UP ALL THE CHARACTERS REALLY WELL!!! You got everything that I loved about Jane, she’d be my idol irl… and Katherine is a really complex character and I’m excited to see how her story unfolds in the next book. SPEAKING OF WHICH…. THE COVER FOR THAT DROPPED AND O MY GOD…….. KATE AND JANE LOOK LIKE ABSOLUTE BABES and I cAN’T WAIT TO SEE THEM FUCK SHIT UP!

#Dread Nation #Justina Ireland #book review #booklr #dread nation review #wetalkinboutbooks #bookish #bookblr #book blogger #book blogging #books #reading

[lilacivories]

welcome to the family

characters: Reid, Morgan, Garcia, Hotchner

pairing(s): none

summary: Reid admittedly doesn’t have much experience with different forms of affection outside of the world of theoretics and academia, and the BAU team helps to introduce him to the real thing

word count: 1686

a/n: I wrote this for @ticklishraspberries after she let me essentially live tweet the first season of criminal minds in her messages <333

It wasn’t odd, Reid realized almost immediately, to find his teammates in affectionate positions around the office. Not only was it his job to observe this type of behavior and take them into consideration, but nobody attempted to hide it. Any unspoken societal rule that existed about these things were either ignored or thrown out the window.

It was shoulder massages at their desks and gentle, barely-there pats on the back while passing each other by in the hallways. It was Hotch letting someone take a nap on the couch in his office and covering them with a blanket he had for the occasion, or JJ allowing Elle to rest her head on her shoulder on a long plane ride back to Virginia. It was something Reid had never expected from FBI agents: Tenderness.

And then there were the more playful days, which became more and more frequent with each case the team worked on together. At first, Reid wasn’t quite sure what type of game they were playing, all of them flinching away from each other, until he was witnessed it first-hand.

It happened rather quickly, with Reid’s only warning being a wink his way from Garcia as she snuck up behind Morgan.

“Hey!” he cried when her fingers found his sides; with his reflexes, there was only a split second delay before he had swiveled around and snatched up her devious hands, his smirk matching hers.

“I knew you were ticklish,” she said, simper sweet as acid. “I’m gonna get you so good once I can keep you from squirming around.”

“I’d like to see you try, baby girl,” Morgan countered, not flustered in the least.

“It actually isn’t his fault,” Reid piped up, stirring his coffee. “Scientists have found that it’s the hypothalamus comes into play when you're being tickled, which coordinates your autonomic nervous system– essentially, it’s a fight-or-flight response. Some evolutionary researchers even think that laughing when you're being tickled is a defense mechanism.”

“Thank you for the lesson, wunderkind,” Garcia joked. She gave him a kind pat on the shoulder as she walked away. Reid appreciated the gesture, however brief, and glanced behind just in time to see her giving Morgan a silent, playful glare.

These forms of affection seemed to be doled out in some form of never-ending prank war, where attacks would happen at random. Even more strangely, the tickling wasn’t undesirable– Reid was more than 95% sure that it was enjoyed by everyone involved. Not one person’s body language indicated that they wanted it to stop, besides the instinctual curling away from the touch.

“That’s gargalesis,” he informed JJ after Elle jabbed her in the ribs and she was left rubbing the area. “It’s a specific type of tickling sensation. Knismesis refers to a light tickling, often used as a defense mechanism against insects. It usually causes an itching sensation and not laughter. Gargalesis, however, is laughter-provoking, usually caused by a harder pressure to the skin.”

JJ chuckled. “Very interesting, Spence, but I think I prefer the real thing.”

None of this specific type of affection was actually shown towards Reid until they were on their way to Montana on a case, everyone taking the time to spread out and relax on the plane as they went over the details.

“Your posture doesn’t have to be perfect all the time, you know,” Morgan teased Reid as he sat next to him. “We have a couple of hours before we actually get to the crime scene.”

Reid frowned and rolled his shoulders; they were a bit stiff, but he didn’t deem it too important, so he merely winced at a small pain here and there before returning to the case file. “Keeping good posture actually prevents fatigue, because the muscles are being used more efficiently. This allows the body to use less energy, as well as– ah!”

It was only a quick jab to his side, but it was enough to derail his train of information. Reid looked down at his own body, which had flinched away, then back up at Morgan. “What was that?”

Morgan was laughing, however. “Oh, Garcia owes me so much money!” he whooped. “I knew it!”

“Knew what?” Reid demanded.

“That you’re ticklish!” Morgan said. “She was so sure you weren’t. Lucky for me, she was wrong. Which means I get to rake in fifty dollars.” His demeanor changed, eyes narrowing and grin only growing. “And now, I have a great way to relax all those rigid muscles of yours!”

An unexpected squeal escaped Reid’s mouth when Morgan started to squeeze at his sides, followed by bright, uncharacteristic giggles.

“No, no, no!” Reid cried, squirming almost frantically, but Morgan had him trapped, pulling him against his chest, strong arms wrapping around his waist.

Red could feel his ears heating up; he hadn’t expected to be so self-conscious about his laugh. It was high and bright and unfettered, and, moreover, completely ridiculous. He just couldn’t control himself.

He could feel his attacker chuckling along with him. “Consider this as making up for lost time, giggle boy,” he teased. Reid wanted to protest against the new nickname, but Morgan had migrated to his lower ribs, and his giggles upgraded to desperate cackles.

“M-Morgan!” he shrieked as they both discovered just how ticklish every inch of his ribs were. It wasn’t long until Morgan was at the very top, digging just right into the spot below his underarms. “Not there, not there!”

“Rookie mistake,” Hotch warned too late, never looking up from the case file. “You’ve just given your attacker vital information on a weak spot, and now he has a perfect way of incapacitating you. Do you have a plan for escape?”

Each and every word only worsened Reid’s predicament, especially when one of Morgan’s hands began to claw at his stomach, the other still working diligently to tease the hypersensitive spaces between his ribs. Reid doubled over, hair a mess, but was back to pressing against Morgan’s chest in a futile attempt to get away from the fingers suddenly sneaking underneath his shirt and skittering around his belly button.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’,” Elle said after Reid let out a loud, helpless snort.

“Pl– please! Pleahease!” Reid exclaimed; his ears were red and his cheeks were catching up. He had no clue what he was pleading for, but that certainly didn’t stop him.

“Begging makes the attacker feel more in control,” Morgan said, and Reid wanted to kick him for how coolly he spoke. “It lets them know that you’re entirely at their mercy. You’re just adding fuel to the fire at this point, kid.”

He couldn’t even speak anymore, which Reid hadn’t anticipated– all he could do was shake his head and push at Morgan’s hands until his friend finally got the picture and backed off.

Reid slumped in his hold, panting and giggling. “Looks like someone finally got him to relax,” he heard JJ remark.

“Better than a massage,” Morgan joked. Then, to Spencer: “I didn’t kill you too bad, did I?”

Spencer shook his head, though his breathing still had yet to even out.

“Good, because I am definitely telling Garcia all about this.” Morgan patted his on the shoulder. “Welcome to the family, kid.”

Spencer didn’t speak again until he and Morgan were alone, driving to one of the victim’s houses. Imposing pine trees lined the old road on either side, split up only by flat lengths of grass where nothing else had grown.

“What are you thinking?” Morgan asked, hating the quiet.

“Hm? Oh,” Reid cleared his throat. “Uh, I think the unsub definitely wants an audience. He’s most likely–”

“I don’t mean about the case,” Morgan clarified. “I asked what you’re thinking. It’s usually pretty hard to keep you quiet, so I figured it’s something you can’t quite wrap your head around. And you can always do that with a case.”

Reid shifted in his seat, a light flush rising on his cheekbones at being called out. “I just– I was–” He pushed his hair back nervously. “A-about the plane.”

Morgan glanced at him. “The plane itself or something that happened on the plane?”

“You...tickled me.”

“Oh. I won’t do it again, if you’d prefer. It’s just something the rest of us kind of do.”

This was apparently the wrong thing to say, because Reid’s cheeks darkened and he only stammered worse. “No, n-no, I mean– well, I mean–” He composed himself enough to admit, “No one’s ever done that to me before.”

Morgan barked out a laugh. “You’re kidding!” he accused, before actually turning to see how apprehensive his colleague was. It hadn’t occurred to him how foreign– or how important– this type of affection might be to the kid.

“Is it weird if I liked it?” Reid suddenly asked.

“Do you think the rest of us do it all the time because we don’t like it?” Morgan countered; he placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, look, of course it isn’t weird. That’s what being part of the family means.”

Reid nodded, still embarrassed, though Morgan could see a small, pleased smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. “Alright,” he conceded.

“Nuh-uh,” Morgan said. “You gotta smile for me now, those are the rules.” He fluttered his fingers over the kid’s ear, smiling when he giggled and snorted.

“Okay, okay!” Reid squealed. “Keep your eyes on the road!”

Morgan stopped and did so, not wanting to send them off the road while trying to cheer Reid up. “Just remember, I’ll wreck your shit as often as I need to if you keep it up with those stiff, skinny shoulders.”

“Actually, ten to fifteen minutes of laughing burns 10 to 40 extra calories a day, which could add up to one to four pounds in a year,” Reid corrected. “Which probably wouldn’t help with the whole ‘skinny shoulders’ thing.”

“You just wait for the flight back,” Morgan threatened. “You’re so getting it.”

If he saw how big Reid’s smile grew at that, he didn’t say anything. He was glad to just see the kid happy.

#mine #tickle fic #cm #criminal minds #reid #morgan

[milfgritty]

prove me wrong | j. hughes

❀ ⇢ requested: yes | no ❀ ⇢ word count: 3.3k ❀ ⇢ a/n: so. this got long. to the anon who requested this, i ended up tweaking it a lot to fit the plot and draw things out more so hopefully you enjoy the changes! also let’s just pretend the matthews fam live in michigan lmao

⇢ posted: 01.17.19 . | . masterlist      prev. | next.

Being the younger sister of Auston Matthews definitely had its perks.

Along with those perks, however, came a few downfalls. One of which included the fact that most people that attempted to befriend you were most likely in it because of who your brother was.

Needless to say, you didn’t have many friends.

The one friend you did have was Beth, who’s known you since you were a child and has seen so many of the less than amazing things that Auston has done that it didn’t really matter to her that he was considered a phenomenal NHL player.

To her, he would always be her best friend’s older brother who once almost peed his pants when the two of you convinced him to take you to a haunted house when you were younger. And for that, you couldn’t be more grateful.

Of course, she also uses your love for her against you, like now.

“Come on, Y/N, what’s the big deal about going to a game with me?” Beth whined, trailing behind you down the aisle of your local corner store, ignoring the looks of the people around you.

“You barely like hockey, Beth,” you pointed out, grabbing a bag of chips off the shelf to add into your growing pile for movie night. “Well maybe I’ve changed my mind,” she shrugged, coming up next to you to lean on the shelf before quickly moving away when it started to tip over.

Resisting the urge to laugh, you passed by her to get something to drink, “Yea, because I totally believe that. What’s the real reason?”

She gave you an innocent look, giving in only when you looked pointedly at her. “Fine, okay,” she sighed, settling against the wall next to you, “I’ve been talking to one of the guys that play for them and he said that I should come.”

“Seriously, Beth?”

“What? He’s cute!” She exclaimed, her eyes widening.

“I’m not going to a hockey game with you because you think one of the guys are cute,” you told her, shaking your head and hauling your pile to the counter to pay.

Beth followed suit, continuing to badger you. “Why not?” She demanded, “You like hockey, remember?”

“Beth, do you know how many people will be there that’ll probably know who my brother is? You know how much I hate dealing with that kind of thing,” you placed everything down on the counter, pausing to smile at the cashier.

“Ple-eaaaaaase Y/N, I’m begging you. I’ll do anything,” Beth pleaded, pushing herself into your side and clasping her hands together, giving you her signature puppy dog look.

“Sorry, no,” you said, refusing to give in.

She stayed quiet and continued to stare at you, adding in a pout. The sight got a smile out of you and a breathy laugh as you shook her head. Opening your mouth to speak, you were cut off by the cashier handing you your bag.

“That’ll be 11.50,” he told you, resting his elbows down on the surface in front of him.

“Have a nice day, Y/N,” was his response after you paid. “Thanks. You too, Greg,” you replied, turning to leave. Eyes falling onto Beth, you held back another sigh at her persistence.

“Fine,” you finally gave in, “but only if you carry the bag,”

Laughing as she squealed excitedly, you braced yourself for her inevitable hug. She threw her arms around you and pressed an overzealous kiss to your cheek, yelling out a ‘thank you!’ before happily taking the bag. Smiling at her obvious joy, you admitted to yourself that going to the game wasn’t the worst thing if it made her so happy.

You changed your tune very quickly when you arrived at the game the next day.

Pulling your jacket closer to your body, you ignored the looks you were getting from some of the kids that went to school with you. Beth, oblivious to the attention, chatted away cheerily as she led you to your seats to watch the warm ups.

Eyeing the boys already out on the ice, you attempted to figure out which one was Beth’s guy. Your gaze roamed slowly over the various players, unable to pick out any that fit the kind of guy you knew Beth liked. It wasn’t until the goalie that was stretching stood up and took off his mask that you had to stop yourself from rolling your eyes.

“Beth,” you started, head rolling to the side to look at her, “Please don’t tell me the guy you’ve been talking to is Spencer Knight.”

At her sheepish expression, your head tipped back with a groan before falling forward into your hands as your shoulders shook with laughter.

“You’re ridiculous, Bethy,” you looked at her fondly, grinning when she shrugged and went back to staring at who you’ve dubbed her new boy toy.

As Beth managed to distract you, another exchange was taking place between the boys down on the ice.

Spencer skated over to where a few of his teammates were huddled up stickhandling and passing pucks to each other, among them being Jack and Alex.

“Hey,” he nodded at the guys, getting their attention, “The section over from the bench, a few rows up. Girl in the dark blue beanie.”

“That the girl you’ve been texting nonstop?” One of them teased, only succeeding in receiving a smug smile and nod.

Another bumped Spencer’s shoulder, going to make a comment when Alex cut him off.

“Isn’t that one of Auston Matthew’s younger sisters?” He asked, gesturing vaguely to the girl next to Spencer’s.

Jack, who had remained quietly amused up until then, found his eyes drawn to the girl in question. When his gaze fell on her he froze up automatically, his skate nearly coming out from under him as he mishandled a puck.

His reaction didn’t go unnoticed by his teammates, the likes of whom quickly ganged up on him.

“Ooh,” one began, laughing and poking at him, “Hughes has a crush, doesn’t he?”

“Shut up,” he responded, slapping his glove away. A wave of laughter rang through the group causing Jack to roll his eyes.

Alex reigned in his laughter first, “I mean, I can’t blame him. She is pretty hot.”

Agreements came from the rest before Spencer cut in.

“You know, I could probably set you up,” he hinted, smirking at the way Jack hesitated for a split second. “I don’t have a damn crush,” Jack insisted, though his words were ignored and replaced with more teasing as he skated away from them.

The attention went unnoticed by both you and Beth somehow. Beth was still successfully keeping your focus off the looks from the people around you that had persisted. You found your gaze being drawn back to the ice after a bit, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Beth.

“What are you looking at so much?” She asked, bumping your shoulder with hers as she tried to follow your gaze.

“Hmm?” You questioned absentmindedly, quickly snapping out of it and refocusing on her.

Beth grinned knowingly, her eyes narrowing and giving you a bad feeling. “You were staring at one of the guys, weren’t you?” She accused.

Your denial was contradicted by the light dusting of pink that was spreading across your cheeks.

“Oh my god, you totally were!” She laughed gleefully, returning to watching the guys on the ice with renewed vigor. “Who was it?” She questioned, before pausing and turning back to you with an evil smile.

“Was it Hughes?”

Sputtering in shock, you accidentally began choking on your own saliva. Her hand came down to thump you on the back while she began celebrating her accurate guessing skills.

“I knew it,” Beth giggled, “He’s so your type.”

“Beth!” You gasped out, placing your hands on your cheeks to get them to cool down. “Okay, fine. I was staring at Jack,” you confirmed, slumping down in your seat and choosing to just cover your entire face.

“That’s so cute,” Beth cooed, reaching out to pinch your cheeks before you batted her hands away. “I could totally try and get Spencer to help set you two up, you know,” she told you, rubbing her hands that you had hit. Her maniacal grin only grew when you looked back up at her in panic.

“Don’t you dare, Elizabeth,” you warned, rising back up to point a finger in her face.

Her nose crinkled at the use of her full name, rolling her eyes at your dramatics. “Fine,” she grumbled, slouching in her seat with a pout, her arms crossing over her chest.

The two of you sat in silence for the next few minutes until the game finally started. Reluctantly, you found yourself quickly being sucked into it. When the other team scored first to take the lead, you booed along with everyone else. And the next minute had you leaping to your feet and screaming when they tied it up.

The game continued like that, one team scoring and taking the lead only for the other to respond and tie it right back up. During intermission, you were subjected to Beth subtly pointing out every accomplishment of Jack’s because while she didn’t exactly like the sport, after years of being around you she at least knew the game. You tried to derail her by commenting on every good save Spencer had made that period, but it just didn’t stick.

The other team took the lead with five minutes left in the third and as the clock ticked down, it seemed like that was it.

That was, of course, until Jack scored with 13 seconds left on the clock to send it to OT.

Your throat was hoarse from yelling at that point, but that didn’t stop you from screaming once more with exuberance. Even Beth had jumped and pulled you into a hug, which was saying something.

Overtime started up quickly, and just as swift as it began, it ended.

Jack had scored again, and this time it was the game winning goal.

The crowd erupted with that last goal, just as the rest of the team skated onto the ice and piled up onto each other in celebration. The win left you with a high, feeling light with joy. Beth and you began to wander out, but she stopped you.

“I might have told Spencer that we would wait for him,” she winced, looking at you with a hopeful smile.

“Please don’t tell me we’re giving him a ride home, too,” you joked back, your good mood making you more cooperative. The two of you giggled as you continued on to where Beth said you would meet up with him at.

The wait didn’t take as long as you expected, you thought to yourself when you saw Beth light up. Your back was to where you assumed Spencer was and something about the way Beth was smiling at you was giving you a bad feeling. As you turned your head to peer back, you realized why.

Walking alongside Spencer was Jack.

Swallowing nervously, you became aware of your surroundings again when Beth nudged you. Snapping your head back to glare at her, you hissed, “Did you do this?”

“Nope,” she whispered back, but the unmistakable slyness tinging her expression was enough for you to doubt her.

“Hey,” her smile somehow widened as Spencer approached, springing into his arms when he came close enough. “Hey,” he parroted back, laughing and matching her smile. He caught her and hugged her tightly, leaving you feeling like a third wheel to the pair that were closer than you had previously assumed.

Well, you thought as you sneaked a glance at Jack, not exactly a third wheel.

“You had such a good game,” you overheard Beth tell Spencer, the two of them giggling while holding the other close. You averted your eyes as fast as possible, feeling like you were seeing something personal that you weren’t supposed to.

Eyes finding Jack again, you got the impression that he felt the same way.

Finally, it seemed like the lovebirds realized they weren’t alone and broke apart. They remained pressed closely together, but you supposed it was better than before.

“Spencer,” Beth began, pulling him by the hand over to where you and Jack were awkwardly standing, “This is my best friend, Y/N.”

Raising your hand in a half wave, you smiled up at him. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Beth always talks about you,” he laughed, glancing down at Beth with a grin as she playfully slapped his chest from her position nestled into his side.

“All good things I hope,” you grinned, gaze flitting between them and admiring the way Spencer seemed to be unable to keep his eyes off Beth. You were pleased to see that he seemed to actually like her a lot, just as much as Beth seemed to like him. It did confuse you a bit as to why Beth hadn’t really mentioned him before.

“Mostly,” Beth replied for Spencer, smiling cheekily back at you causing you to scoff.

“Great. Mostly,” you commented dryly, rolling your eyes without any heat behind it.

Your words sparked laughter amongst the group, the mood lightening up from a few minutes ago. “Oh yea, this is Jack by the way,” Spencer said after a second, remembering that he hadn’t introduced Jack yet.

You gave him the same half wave and smile you gave Spencer, your eyes lingering a bit longer on him. Jack mirrored you before shoving his hand back into his pocket and ducking his head. The lighting was dim enough that you could almost convince yourself that you were imagining the slight blush on his face.

After that, it seemed like Beth and Spencer had retreated back into their bubble. You wouldn’t have minded that much if that didn’t mean you were left in awkward silence with Jack.

The quiet stretched on for what felt like an eternity before Jack broke it.

“You’re Auston Matthews’ sister, right?” He asked.

And just like that, you retreated back into yourself.

“Yes,” you answered curtly, lips thinning out as you avoided his gaze.

Jack realized his mistake within a few seconds, apologizing soon after, “Shit, sorry. I didn’t realize that was something you didn’t like to talk about.”

Smiling tightly, you accepted his apology, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

The silence came back with a vengeance, neither of you wanting to talk afterward. Jack, in fear of saying something wrong again, and you, well, you just didn’t know what to say.

You caught Beth’s eye while looking around aimlessly, becoming confused before realizing that she was gesturing at Jack with her eyes. Giving an imperceptible shake of your head, you turned away. Noticing Spencer giving Jack a similar look, you furrowed your brows, puzzled.

“This is really weird, but can I maybe get your number?”

Startled, you nearly jumped as you snapped your head back to look at Jack. “What?” You squeaked out, shocked that he was asking until you realized it probably had something to do with you being Auston’s little sister.

Jack shifted his weight, shuffling his feet. He met your eyes after a beat, appearing to brace himself.

“Or you know, I can give you my number and you can decide where to go from there,” he continued, bouncing on his toes as he waited for your answer. A thought of how adorable he looked invaded your mind but you swiftly banished it.

Opening your mouth to respond, you noticed Beth glaring at you and nodding her head ever so slightly. Gritting your teeth, you jerkily nodded in agreement.

Unlocking your phone and handing it to him, you felt tingly as you watched him. Butterflies were fluttering around rapidly in your stomach and you could confidently say that you hated it.

When he went to hand it back, your fingers brushed. Sucking in a breath, you snatched your hand back to your side in a panic, clutching your phone tightly.

Next thing you knew, Beth was skidding to your side and laying a hand on your arm. “Calm down,” she hissed, her lips barely moving before she spoke louder. “We should actually get going,” she told the boys, “We have a bit of a drive.”

Goodbyes were exchanged, some more awkward than others, and then you were climbing into your car. Barely pulling out of the parking lot, Beth turned to you with a look of exasperation.

“What happened back there?” She nearly yelled, her hands flying about. Sparing her a glance while keeping your eyes on the road, you shrugged.

“Seriously, Y/N. Everything was going fine and then I look over and you’re practically glaring at the poor guy,” Beth exclaimed, falling back into the seat and throwing her hands up.

Opening and closing your mouth, you thought about it. “I don’t know, okay?” You finally responded, giving a more violent shrug than the last one. “He just, one minute it was quiet and then suddenly his first words were to ask me if I was Aus’s sister and I just freaked out, okay?” You rushed out, refusing to look at her.

Beth didn’t speak for awhile after that and when she did it was calmer than her outburst.

“Is that why? Because he immediately led in with the Auston thing?” She asked softly, and you could practically feel her sympathetic—or pitying, you weren’t entirely sure—gaze.

“You know the answer to that, Bethy,” you responded in a whisper.

Silence descended upon the car again, though it was more understanding than the previous ones.

“I don’t think he’s like who you’re thinking of, babe,” Beth told you. Stopping at the light you looked over at her. Her face was looking out the window, but even like that, you could see the sadness on her face, sadness that was for you. Her features were pulled together in a way that made your ache and you turned back around, unable to look any longer.

“You don’t know that,” your voice came out weaker than you wanted it to, putting more effort than you needed to as you made a turn. “He’s in a different position, Jack,” Beth started and out of the corner of your eye you saw her turn to face you, “He’s expected to be drafted first overall like Aus was, why would he focus on him like that?”

“You never know,” you said, though your argument wasn’t strong and you knew it.

Beth sighed and shook her head, sitting back. “Look, you have his number. Just give him a chance,” she tried, and just like before, you found it hard to deny her.

“I’ll think about it,” was your response.

The rest of the drive was spent without talking, the only noise being the radio playing almost silently in the background. Her words echoed in your head even after you dropped her off, especially with her parting words.

“Just think about it, okay?” She asked once more to remind you before pausing and adding, “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” you responded, nodding just barely.

She gave you one last sympathetic look, ducking out of the car and walking up to her house. You watched her until she got in, letting out a heavy breath as you drove off.

You couldn’t stop thinking about it when you got home, trapped in your head even as you said goodnight to your sister and parents. Going through the motions to get ready for bed, you kept glancing at your phone. Beth’s words playing in your head, you grabbed it and gave yourself little time to second guess yourself as you typed out a text and hit send before climbing into bed and willing sleep to come.

‘hey, it’s y/n’

#jack hughes #jack hughes fic #jack hughes imagine #ntdp #usntdp #prove me wrong #mine #renwrites #my own #writing #fic #imagines #fanfic #nhl imagines #nhl fic #nhl writing #nhl fanfiction #hockey fic #hockey imagines #new jersey devils #hockey writing #hockey fanfiction #world juniors #wjc19 #wjc 2019 #world junior championships #team usa #usa hockey #nhl 2019 draft

[timeoutforthee]

Like it or Not-Chapter 23

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings:  Remus, referenced fictional murder, referenced bingeing/purging, therapy session

Read it on AO3!

Roman had marched into class earlier, fully prepared to demand a new partner as soon as Remus started speaking. Now, he was staring at his rival with an open mouth. This is not how he was planning for this to go, at all.

“Run that by me,” Roman finally says, “One more time.”

“I want to write a play,” Remus says, drawing out his words obnoxiously slow, “About a man interviewing several monsters to find out which one killed him. Each monster will be a representation of a mental illness.”

“That…” Roman stares at him, still shocked, “....that’s okay?”

“Oh my God, has it happened?” Remus asks a fake audience, “Has Roman Prince gotten the stick out of his ass?”

“We’ll have to be careful,” Roman hurries to amend, “I mean, we’re dealing with representation and we don’t want to offend anyone, but it’s doable.”

“Nope!” Remus says, “It is still jammed up there.”

“Do you want us to do your idea or not?” Roman counters.

Remus laughs. “If I recall correctly, we don’t have a choice about that.”

“Anyway,” Roman says, glossing over that particular detail, “What are your ideas? Who is this man? Who are the monsters?”

“Oh!” Remus says, immediately lighting up, and pulling a sketchbook from his backpack, “I have sketches! Monsters with two faces for bipolar disorder, a monster covered in cuts-”

“See, that’s an example of what we’re not going to do,” Roman interrupts.

“Roman,” Remus says, huffing, “Don’t you want to explore something deeper than your usual fairytales?”

“Don’t you want to come up with something a bit more original?”

That catches Remus off guard, and his face falls, He looks down at his sketchbook.

“You’re the best costume designer the Theater department has,” Roman says. It kills him to admit, but even he knows it’s true, “I’m sure you can come up with something.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Remus says, sighing. “Now, this guy…” ^

“How’d your meeting go today, Roman?” Patton says, trying to sound like his normal, bubbly self. But there’s a rock in his stomach as the end of the school day is approaching, and group is quickly coming up.

“...well?” Roman says, unsure.

“It either went well or it didn’t, Roman, it isn’t a hard question,” Logan says.

“I know, I’m just...surprised,” Roman continues, “Remus actually had a good idea? And I’m...excited to elaborate on it?”

“What was it?” Virgil asks.

“A man is interviewing a group of monsters, all representative of mental illnesses, to see which one killed him.”

“That’s dark, I like it,” Virgil responds.

“Not surprised by that,” Roman says. “We’ll need to tread carefully, to make sure we don’t misrepresent anything or offend anyone, but it’s doable, right?”

“Right!” Patton says, even though he’s not exactly thrilled with the idea of monsters. Darkness wasn’t really his thing.

“Virgil and I need to start making some creative decisions as well,” Logan says, “We’ve started the creative writing chapter of the class.”

“Aren’t you guys excited?” Mrs. Spencer asks, “I always love hearing all the stories coming from my students every year!”

Virgil looks like he would have a lot to say if the teacher of the class wasn’t in the same room.

“Maybe Virgil will let us read some of his writing!” Patton says, still trying to keep his head up, “Since you want to be a novelist and everything?”

“Oh, Virgil, I didn’t know you were interested in writing!” Mrs. Spencer says.

“It’s not a big deal, really,” Virgil says, brushing it off, “I’m not very good.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, but if it is, we can always work on it,” she says before shifting focus on to her lunch.

“How’d you guys’ goals go?” Roman asks.

“Satisfactory,” Logan says, “Dr. Sanders said he wants me to start tackling the emotional side of disorder soon, but for now I accomplished my goal of eating different foods.”

“I’ve talked to my aunt more,” Virgil says, “I told her what Picani and I’ve been talking about, but not much else. I guess it’s something.” He takes a bite of his lunch. “What about-”

“Patton!” Roman says, a bit louder than necessary, “How’d yours go, Patton?”

“Oh-uh-well,” Patton thinks back to last session. With everything going on, he has completely forgotten about his original goal, “Dr. Sanders and I kinda...forgot about that part?”

“How?” Roman says.

“We were discussing...other...things,” Patton says. Oh God, everyone is starting to look at him. “I-I’ll-” he sighs. “I have something to tell you guys. Later. In group.”

They stare a little longer before Logan finally says, quietly, “Okay.”

Just then, the bell rings.

As everyone starts packing up, Patton feels a rock in his stomach. He looks around at everyone and gives them a smile. He’s going to miss them when they go.

^

“Welcome back, guys!” Dr. Sanders greets them, walking in. “How is everyone? I think Dr. Picani said something about you guys setting some goals last week, how’d those go?”

“Uh, great!” Roman says, “But Patton said he had something to tell us before we get started.”

“Oh, uh, I don’t want to derail the session,” Patton says, desperately clinging to the hope that he can get out of it.

“Don’t be silly!” Dr. Sanders said, “This is your session, you guys control what we talk about.”

“Oh...goooood…,” Patton says.

“So what is it, Pat?” Virgil asks after they’ve been sitting in silence for a while.

“You know, maybe this was silly, I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of this, it’s not really that important-”

“If it was unimportant, it’d be much easier to say,” Logan says.

“Heh, you got me there,” Patton says. He tries to bring it up in his brain, to bring the words to his mouth, but it’s getting stuck and the room is falling silent again and everyone is looking at him and thinking about how disgusting he looks and-

“Patton,” Thomas says. Patton tears his eyes away from the floor and looks up at his therapist. “Take a deep breath.” Patton does, although it’s shaky. “One more.” This one is much more steady. “Now, opposite action. Exposing the action in front of others who won’t reject you. This is a safe space.”

“Yeah, Patton, whatever it is, we won’t be, like, mad at you,” Virgil says.

“So you say,” Patton snorts, even though there’s no humor in it. He immediately regrets it when Virgil pulls back a bit, surprised and hurt. “I didn’t mean that,” he automatically says. “I just…” he takes a deep breath. “Guys, I haven’t been honest. I’ve been lying about getting better. I never stopped purging.”

The room falls silent, and a few tears escape from Patton’s eyes.

“What do you mean?” Virgil asks, quietly.

“I mean every night, I sneak down to my kitchen, I binge, then I purge. I can’t stop. I didn’t try to stop.”

“Did you think we would be mad at you for that?” Virgil asks.

“You should be mad at me for that, I’m a liar,” Patton says, “You’ve all worked so hard and come so far, and I was just...sitting here.”

“Yes,” Logan speaks up, “Sitting here in group therapy. Sitting there in individual therapy. You’re trying just as hard as we are, Patton.”

“But I can’t stop purging, that is the one thing I have to do!”

“That’s like saying the one thing I have to do is eat,” Virgil says.

“Or stop exercising,” Roman adds on.

“And we haven’t been able to do that, not quickly, not easily,” Logan says, “Of course we don’t expect you to stop just like that.”

“Generally speaking, you guys haven’t been working on this that long, and you’ve covered a lot of ground already,” Thomas says, “And your purging or bingeing is a maladaptive coping mechanism you use to deal with your emotions. You can’t just stop these behaviors, you must learn to better cope with the emotions, or else you’ll just replace them with other maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as self harm.”

Virgil’s face pales at that, but no one notices.

“You also have to stop looking at it like absolutes. ‘I haven’t stopped purging yet, so I never will.’ That’s not fair to you or the therapeutic process. You don’t have all the skills required to get to the point where you can cope.”

“I shouldn’t even need these skills,” Patton says, “I don’t…”

They all wait patiently for him to continue, and Dr. Sanders prompts him. “Patton?”

“I don’t have anything to be upset about,” Patton says. “So I don’t know why I have all these negative coping skills.”

“People don’t need a reason to be upset, necessarily,” Logan says.

“Well, yeah, if you have depression or something, but I don’t,” Patton doesn’t notice Thomas write something down in his notebook, “I just have a loving family and a good life and no reason to complain and I’m just being ungrateful.”

“What do you think qualifies a “good life,” Patton?”

“I don’t know, friends, family, love, something!”

“So you have a lot of friends?”

Patton’s stomach drops at the reminder of what school was like last year. “Well, I have friends now.”

“And didn’t you say one of your moms died?”

Patton feels like ice water has been poured over him. “I-I don’t want to talk about that.”

“That’s fine, we don’t have to,” Thomas rushes to say, “I’m just saying, if you look at things objectively, you have a few things to be upset about. That’s fair, and you don’t need to deny those feelings.”

“O-okay.”

“Plus, you seem to talk to yourself in a very negative way, but that’s something we need to explore next time,” Dr. Sanders says, looking at his watch. “Until next time, guys.”

The four boys stand up and make their way out of the room.

“Patton, I am...proud of you,” Logan tells him. Patton has been keeping his eyes on the ground, but now he looks up and over at his friend.

“What? Why?”

“For the same reason you were proud of me for eating a grape. Because you made a step in your recovery, and you should be proud.”

“Yeah, Patton, you should be proud,” Roman adds. Virgil nods.

They reach the front of the building and Roman and Logan break off, waving goodbye. Patton and Virgil wave back.

“Oh! I see my mom!” Patton says, spotting her car.

“Wait, Pat.”

“Yeah?”

Virgil hesitates only a second, before he grabs Patton and wraps his arms around him. Patton is caught off guard but quickly hugs him back. They stand there for a moment, before they both pull away.

“Thanks, Virge.”

“Anytime,” Virgil says, watching him walk away. When he sees all his friends get into their cars, he sighs and makes his way to his aunt’s car.

He sighs, thinking about how his friends are starting to open up to each other. How much it seems to help. Maybe...maybe it’s time he considered telling them why he moved to town.

#like it or not #sanders sides fic #patton sanders

[ainsley-corcoran]

Hold Your Breath || Ainsley & Spencer

TAGGING: Ainsley Corcoran & Spencer Evans ( @spencerfevans )

TIME: Tuesday, June 12th

LOCATION: The Pond

SUMMARY: Bingo Event; 1b: Breathplay || 3c: Scene Involving the Pond

Ainsley could feel her heart racing in her chest as she made her way over to meet Spencer by the pond. While she wasn’t afraid of the scene they’d come up with, per se, she was definitely anxious about the whole thing, even if she did know she was in good hands. Slowing her breathing to help calm herself, she smiled widely as she came to stand beside Domme, her hands fidgeting by her sides in an unusual show of nerves. “Hello, Miss Spencer.”

She glanced up when she saw the girl and offered her a small smile. “Hello, sweetheart. How are you feeling?” Spencer knew that submitting wasn’t something that Ainsley was fully comfortable and so she was going to take that into consideration throughout the scene. She wanted her to feel safe. She stood up and glanced at the pond. She had tested it and found that it wasn’t super chilly and she was grateful for that fact.

Stilling her restless fingers, Ainsley gave a sincere- if somewhat weak- smile. “I’m doing well, Miss. A little nervous, but also excited for our scene today.” And it was true. For as anxious as the whole thing made her, she truly was looking forward to getting another scene as the submissive under her belt. She bit her lip as she watched the other woman test the temperature of the water, not quite sure if she should continue talking or stay silent and wait for further instruction from the Domme.

“It makes perfect sense that you’re a bit nervous, Ainsley. I was always a bit nervous before having to submit as well. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. But it’s good that you’re taking some steps to make yourself more comfortable. That way presentations come a bit easier to you.” Spencer offered, giving the girl a smile. “Now, I’d like for you to tell me your limits and your safeword. And then I would like you to strip down to your bra and underwear.” The Domme stated, kicking her feet in the water slightly.

Nodding, Ainsley’s smile came a little easier as Spencer spoke. “That was my thinking as well, Miss. My limits are scat, vore, and watersports, and I use the stoplight system.” She said before following the rest of her instructions. A slight chill ran down her spine as she felt the light breeze on her skin, but the sound of the water helped relax her. If nothing else, between the fact that she trusted Spencer to look out for her, and the fact that she was an incredibly strong swimmer, it became a little easier to let go of her worry and focus on being a good Submissive.

“Good girl. Thank you for that.” She said with a smile, watching as the Switch slipped out of her clothing. “I promise that the water isn’t too bad. I’m not going to make you freeze.” She said with a soft wink before tilting her head. “Come on into the water for me, Ainsley. Get used to the feeling of it against your skin.” She didn’t want to jolt her into it by jumping right into the breathplay, knowing that that would probably be fairly dangerous.

Ainsley’s smile came a little easier as Spencer spoke, and she nodded as she stepped onto the water with a more confident “Yes, Miss,” this time around. The water felt cool against her heated skin, but it she’d always prefered it that way, anyway. When the water was too warm, she tended to feel drowsy, whereas a bit off cold help wake her up and reenergize her. “It’s a good day for this, I think. The air’s not too cold, and the water’s not too warm,”

She nodded her head in agreement. “I think you’re right. I’m glad the weather seemed to work out in our favor.” She dropped her hands into the water for a moment and then playfully flicked some water at Ainsley before letting out a breath. “You’ve got to trust me okay? There are going to be moments in the scene where you might think that it’s too much...But I am going to be watching you very carefully. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. But of course...if you need to stop, please use your safeword. I’d also like a safe gesture just to cover all of our bases.”

Laughing at the playful gesture, Ainsley could feel herself slipping into her more submissive headspace as she listened to Spencer speak. She was still a bit nervous, but the Domme exuded a subtle confidence and an air of authority that helped calm her, reminding her that she didn’t need to worry and that she would be entirely safe. “Yes, Miss. I do trust you.” She said without an ounce of hesitation. “What would you like me to do for safe gesture?”

“Good girl. For your safe gesture, I would like you to hold up this sign.” She gestured the sign for her, her two middle fingers down with the two outer fingers pointed up. “Make sure you lift it high so that there is no ways that I would miss it okay?” She licked her bottom lip and then rolled her shoulders before nodding her head. “We’re going to start off slow, but I’m going to push you a bit further and further each time.” She stated, offering her a smile. “Now, how do you feel about a sexual element to the scene?”

“Yes, Miss. I can definitely do that” The sign was easy enough, though she took an extra moment to commit it to memory, just in case. Biting her lip, she nodded. She knew it would be difficult, but she was never one to back down from a challenge. Not before giving it an honest try first, at least. At Spencer’s next question, a grin came to her face, “I would have absolutely no problem with that. You’re absolutely stunning, Miss,”

“Perfect. Good girl.” She winked playfully when Ainsley said that she was okay with it and she nodded her head. “Perfect. I’m glad to hear that.” The blonde said, rolling her shoulders slightly and then reaching out to grab Ainsley’s waist. She rubbed her thumb into her skin and hummed softly. “By the way, you’re pretty gorgeous as well. Incredibly so, Ainsley.”

Ainsley felt a slight flush creep up her neck, but smiled at the praise, enjoying it more than she thought she would. Biting her lip, she took a step forward, the cool water ironically helping to ground her as she moved closer, her hands coming up to play with the ends of Spencer’s hair. “That’s quite a compliment, coming from you, Miss. Though I must admit, I’m pleased you think so.”

She hummed as Ainsley played with her hair, a smile planted on her features. She was content to just enjoy the time that she had with the other girl. And hoped that they could perhaps spend some more time together in the future. She dragged her hands to Ainsley’s lower back and scratched gently before drawing her into a brief kiss, her fingers teasing along her skin.

Ainsley grinned into the kiss, unconsciously leaning into the other girl’s touch, the contact blaze hot trails down her back. She was caught off guard realizing how worked up she was from that alone, but she definitely wasn’t going to question it. Unable to help herself, she let her hands slide over strong shoulders to lace lightly behind the blonde’s neck, shifting closer in attempts to gain more contact, losing herself in the sensations as she settled into a submissive headspace.

Spencer smiled against Ainsley’s lips as the girl slipped her arms around her neck, humming at the touch to the back of her neck. She was glad that Ainsley seemed to be comfortable because that would make sliding into the breathplay section of the scene that much easier. She pulled back from the kiss and nipped along her jaw, humming softly.

Ainsley felt almost light headed as the blonde pulled away. If just kissing the other girl left her gasping for breath, she had no idea how the rest of the scene would play out, but she was almost surprised to realize she was excited to find out. Eyes slipping closed as she let out a soft moan, Ainsley couldn’t resist the urge to pull Spencer back for another breathtaking kiss, unconsciously rolling her hips in attempt to get closer.

She hummed softly when Ainsley began to rock her hips against her and crashed their lips together once more, squeezing her waist and then letting out a soft laugh. “If you’re good, you can get more kisses okay?” She murmured gently as she pulled away before kneeling in the water, keeping one of her legs up. “Come rest your back here.” She said, patting her leg, wrapping her arms around the Switch.

Ainsley gave an uncharacteristic pout, but nodded all the same. She always did better when there was a reward waiting for her, and she had no doubt this would be the same- especially when the reward would be such a sweet one. “Yes, Miss. I think I can handle that.” Biting her lip, she only hesitated for half a beat, before doing as instructed. The sensation of the cool water on her heated skin helped calm her and she leaned back into Spencer’s strong hold.

“There you go. I’ve got you. Just relax for me.” She murmured, offering the Switch a smile. She brought her free hand down to press between the other girl’s legs and smirking softly. “I want you to rock your hips into my hand. You are not to stop unless I tell you too.” She said with a hum. “Start now.”

Exhaling deeply, Ainsley did her best to relax, an effort that was derailed a moment later when she felt Spencer’s hand settle between her legs. Feeling an uncharacteristic flush creep up her neck for the second time in under an hour, she bit her lip before nodding. “Y-yes, Miss.” She stuttered out, rocking her hips forward, the motion quickly becoming instinctual as she felt a heat settle low in her stomach from the contact.

“Good girl.” Spencer said, nodding her head, watching as the girl began to follow her order. “Now take a deep breath.” She waited for Ainsley to do as she had asked before lowering her into the water and holding her there. She kept her eyes on the girl, keeping her eyes focused, wanting to catch any sign of things going wrong; bringing her up after ten seconds.

Inhaling deeply, Ainsley tried to focus on the pleasant sensations she was experiencing to distract from the anxiety of what was to come. The water rushed around her and she fought the urge to tense up as she was fully submerged. She was grateful that Spencer only kept her under for a few seconds to start, easing her in, though she was pleasantly surprised to find the terror she was expecting to feel was absent.

“Take a few more breaths. On your third breath, I want you to hold it again.” Spencer said, watching and counting in time with Ainsley’s breaths before pressing her under again. This time, she jumped up to thirty seconds, keeping her eyes on the Switch and exuding the confidence that she was feeling. She had done similar things before. She could handle this and she would take queues from the girl as they continued. She pulled her out after thirty seconds and smiled softly. “There you go. You’re doing well.”

Careful to stay calm and keep her breaths even, she inhaled deeply on the third as she was dipped under once more. She wasn’t sure how long she went this time, but it was long enough for her to notice her lack of air, despite being a practiced swimmer. The between the pleasure between her legs and the comforting familiarity of the water, however, she actually started to enjoy the strange sensations she felt as her body was slowly denied oxygen. Despite the slight dizziness, she smiled at the praise as she breathed heavily. “T-thank you, Miss.”

“You’re very welcome.” Spencer said with a soft smile. “I want to see if we can get you to a minute, okay? So we’re going to put you under twice more and we’ll see how long you can hold your breath for. Don’t feel bad if you can’t do it, I’m just pushing you a bit to see how well you can do.” Spencer said, enjoying the look on the Switch’s face. “Five breaths, hold it on the fifth okay?” She adjusted her hold on the girl and then let her slip under the water once again. She planned to hold her there for forty-five seconds before moving on to the final test.

Ainsley tried to level her breathing out like she had before, though the extended time underwater made it more difficult. The idea of holding her breath for a full minute felt daunting, but she was certainly willing to try. She was already the type of person who wanted to make people happy- even if her methodology was more forceful than most really wanted- but in her Submissive headspace, that desire seemed to increase ten fold. Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded instead, taking deep breath before sinking underwater once more. Time seemed to slip away as she stayed submerged, the only thoughts in her hazy mind focused around not inhaling and seeking more contact from the firm hand that her hips kept seeking out as she tried to override her body’s natural instinct to inhale, holding out for a few seconds after the hand holding her down was lifted.

Spencer pulled her out of the water again once the forty-five seconds were up, allowing her to catch her breath and then even it out again. If she was going to put her back under the water for a full minute, she didn’t want her to already be fighting for air. “That’s a good girl. You’re doing well. Just breathe for me. There you go.” She murmured, smoothing Ainsley’s hair back and pressing her hand between her legs a bit more firmly. “Just relax. I’ve got you and you’re being so good.” She pressed a kiss to her cheek, giving her a bit of affection through touch before beginning to lower her. “Okay, here we go. One minute. Trust me and trust yourself okay? Just relax. I’ve got you. I’ll keep you safe.” Spencer said, waiting for her to take a deep breath before lowering her under the water for the final time.

It took a bit longer for Ainsley to regain herself, but it wasn’t too long until her breaths came with a bit more ease, and she appreciated Spencer’s patience with her. So far the Domme seemed pleased with her, though, and she thrived off of that approval. It energized her and made her even more determined to try and impress the blonde. Taking one last gulp of air, she let herself be guided into the water, reminding herself that she was in good hands. Once again, it felt like time slipped away almost instantly as her body began to crave oxygen, only to be denied it. Air slowly slipped out between her lips as stars began to dance behind her eyes. Yet, despite the nerves it ignited in her, she refused to move. She reminded herself that she needed to be good, that her body- in that moment- wasn’t her own, but Spencer’s, and that she had been given direct instructions. It was freeing, in its own way, and almost surreal, as her body was flooded with pleasure and pain at the same time.

The bubbles that floated to the surface of the water allowed Spencer to know she was letting the air out of her lungs and would need to replenish soon, luckily though by that point they were nearing the minute mark. She kept her eyes on Ainsley, wanting to keep the connection that they had and assure her that she was okay. When it hit the minute mark, she pulled her up again into a sitting position, keeping her arm wrapped around her. “Easy does it. Slow breaths. Don't try to put too much oxygen in your lungs at once. That's it. Good girl, Ainsley. Good girl. Lean against me and just relax for a moment.”

The last ten seconds were the hardest, but Ainsley pushed down the bolt of panic, barely resisting the urge to push against the hand on her chest. Gasping as she reached the surface, Ainsley coughed a few times, trying to clear her airway of an obstruction that wasn’t there. She kept her eyes closed as she listened to the sound of Spencer’s voice, her words soft and comforting. Her head was spinning, but the words of praise floating in her ears helped more than she thought they would. Once the her breathing began to even out and the rush of her blood in her ears faded, she let her eyes slip open, a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Did I do okay, Miss?”

Spencer watched her closely, looking for any warning signs but there didn't seem to be any there. “You did very well. I am so proud of you.” Spencer said in response, a smile on her face as well. For someone that wasn't super comfortable with her submissive side, she was pretty darn adorable in it. “so well that I think you deserve a reward.” She pressed a kiss to her cheek and gently moved her hand between her legs. “I told you you would get more kisses if you were good.. So you will. But I also want you to know that you can cum when you need to. That is your reward for being so good for me.” She smiled softly and then pressed their lips together, her hand moving with a purpose as her eyes fell shut.

Perking up slightly at the praise, Ainsley couldn’t have stopped the proud smile that came to her face even if she wanted to. “I’m glad I met your expectations, Miss.” At the mention of an award and the feeling of Spencer’s hand back between her leg, the fire that had cooled in the last few minutes seemed to blaze up, a moan escaping her as the Domme spoke, more than happy with the reward she was being given. Ainsley’s hips rolled and bucked in a desperate search for more friction, and one hand came up to tangle in her hair as she moaned into the other girl’s mouth. She was dangerously close, after such an intense experience, and she knew it wouldn’t take much to have her coming entirely undone.

Spencer held her arm around Ainsley to ensure that she didn’t drop back into the water, sighing in contentment at the kiss. Kissing people was just so nice. One of her favorite things to do, especially because everyone had a different way of doing it. The response from Ainsley when she put her hand back between her legs had the blonde smirking and humming in satisfaction. She loved getting to reward good girls by making them cum. “That’s it...let it come to you, gorgeous.” Spencer murmured against the Switch’s lips, her fingers rubbing a bit more firmly.

Ainsley was thankful that Spencer had given her permission to cum when she needed to, because she was fairly certain she couldn’t have stopped herself even if she wanted to. And between her mental and physical exhaustion, she didn’t really have it in her to try. Instead she let herself get lost in the sensations, letting out a sharp whimper against the Domme’s lips as the pressure between her legs increased. Slipping her free hand just under Spencer’s shirt, she stroked the soft skin she found, needing the contact more than she could explain. Her spine arched as her orgasm raced through her, a low moan rumbling in her chest as she pulled the other girl closer, kissing her languidly as she came down from her high.

Spencer didn’t mind at all when Ainsley’s hand slipped under her shirt, holding her a bit more tightly and let her ride out the waves. She kept their lips pressed together for a few moments until Ainsley’s hips stopped rocking toward her hand. She moved her hand that had been between her legs and rested it on her waist with a smile. “Such a good girl.” She gave her a few moments to rest and then carefully moved them both into a standing position. “Let’s go get you warmed up, sweet girl.”

“Thank you, Miss. Thank you.” Ainsley murmured, breathing heavily as she finally let her eyes flutter open. The pleasant warmth slowly melting away as her body began to cool, and she appreciated Spencer’s cognizance as she was helped back to her feet. Her hand unconsciously sought out the Domme’s under the water, not quite ready to break contact entirely after such an intense scene, at least, intense for her as as a Submissive, anyway. But while her limbs felt heavy and her mind a bit cloudy, overall she felt unexpectedly content as they made their way back to the grass.

“You’re welcome, gorgeous.” She said with a soft smile, grabbing the two towels that she had brought, wrapping the first around Ainsley and rubbing her arms to bring about some warmth before she wrapped a towel around herself as well. “Come now, we’ll go back to my suite and hang out for a bit before I send you on your way.” It had been fairly intense and the last thing she wanted to do was send Ainsley off without the proper aftercare. She wrapped her arm around the Switch’s waist and then led her towards her suite.

#p: spencer #p: hold your breath #gleedsmbingo2 #e: bingo