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neuroticbookworm · 11 months

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I was not planning on writing a Step by Step analysis this week, because my mind was too frayed from all the anticipation for the next episode. But then @lurkingshan posted this, and it knocked something loose in my brain, and now here I am.

Shan talks about how even though Jeng and Pat felt the spark of desire when they met a couple of times before they became boss and subordinate, once they knew they had to be professional, they dialed it back using very different mechanisms.

Jeng chose to keep his emotions under control in the workplace, and he harbored and nurtured those feelings in private. Pat, on the other hand, was already under stress in the workplace, and as @ginnymoonbeam and @bengiyo discuss here, he also misinterprets the initial strict mentoring from Jeng as proof that the spark he felt must've been all in his head. That his gaydar made an error, and therefore Jeng must be straight.

So when episode 8 begins, the mutual interest from their initial interactions is the only thing Jeng knows for certain, to assume that Pat might want a relationship with him. He also tells Tae that Pat never looks at him the way he looks at Pat, which makes the confession a pretty huge leap of faith from Jeng.

In the dance floor confession, Jeng observes that Pat is not ready for another relationship yet. He still confesses his feelings, but adds that he can be the safe space for Pat if that is all he wants from him. And that he will never want for anything more. He has already resigned himself here to the fate that he might never get to be Pat's boyfriend.

@respectthepetty explains here that Jeng would've fully gone along with Pat's understanding that Jeng is straight. He was forced to show his hand and come out when Pat referred to himself as Jeng's friend. Here, Jeng was no longer planning on making his feelings clear to Pat. He had no choice but to do it.

In the aftermath, Pat reacts with confusion, dawning realization and horror, and we know that Pat is reeling from this information because his mind is now doing a speedrun of all of their interactions and reevaluating them with the fact that Jeng is gay. But Jeng, oh my poor Jeng, thinks Pat is horrified for two reasons: the previously stated reason offered by his rational and logical brain, and the reason offered by his panicked and frantic brain that Pat is horrified by his advances, and that Pat never liked him in the first place. That he was utterly and completely wrong, right from the glass jelly incident. This thought may not have found deep roots in his mind yet, but it is there, floating and waiting for confirmation.

Now, some speculation for episode 9 (aka clowning). We see Pat has taken the day off, which further fuels Jeng's fears. And later Pat looks visibly unmoored and exhausted, like he hasn't slept for a few nights in a row. I was talking to @chicademartinica and she mentioned how Pat looks like he is disassociating in this episode. And I agree, he looks fully out of it.

Whatever happens that forces Jeng to confess AGAIN, I don't know yet. But what I do know is that there is a high possibility that Pat might say no after this confession, because he needs more time to process things. But, in Jeng's mind, that floating thought will finally get its confirmation and take root, and it will go, AHA I KNEW IT, HE HAS NEVER LIKED YOU, EVER.

I know we are all anxiously waiting for the slowburn to end (hopefully it'll happen before the sun swallows us whole), but we may need to hold our horses. Because the possible roadmap I see right now is: Jeng confesses -> Pat says no -> Jeng thinks Pat has never liked him and drowns himself (and us) in angst -> Pat finally finishes thinking and realizes that he does like Jeng -> Pat tries to tell Jeng -> Jeng is already packing his suitcases to flee the country OR Jeng has built his mental walls so high that Put can't get through to him without a massive effort -> Pat convinces Jeng to hear him out -> They finally sit down and talk to each other -> JengPat FINALLY BURNS

My fellow sufferers of this cursed show, I will be the happiest clown if I get proven wrong, but I think it will take a while for these two to work this mess out, and I think it might take more than one episode *runs*

#step by step #step by step the series #step by step meta

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pansear-doodles · 10 months

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its time i talk about the person who left a dent on me

the worst part of my trauma when it comes to it being connected to people i was once close with is that my perspective of what makes of them reminders of them (i do this to anyone im close with- whether it is a symbol or a certain appearance or trait or event)

little bit of serious talk here folks, so i apologize for the unexpected. hope you have the filters.

for most of my internet life, it was almost only me. completely unfiltered. came to deviantart first. became popular at an early age because of what i was doing in the fnaf fandom- it was not good for my mental health.

my groomer has a sona that never changes by design. he's always depicted as an orange fox with black long hair, black beanie and striped jacket. he likes fps games, especially the resident evil series- having associated me with Mia from resident evil 7. he likes fnaf (we met through fnaf... while i was like 14 i think- while he was 9 years older than me). he draws well... i guess. in pokemon form, he would be a jolteon. i would be a pansear. he would be the fox. i would be the rabbit.

as a child i was very impressionate, overly emotional, and cringe (ofc). i would be best friends with my groomer after finding out we shared many common interests and kept talking to each other about it- and then later fess up i have romantic feelings for him.

this would have been the opportunity for him to back up and say no.

but he didn't say no.

we continued off and became a couple. not many people batted an eye on how questionable it was for a 15 year old to be in a relationship with a 24 year old. almost nobody, save for a few concerned friends (and one stranger on Transformice) who i ignored unfortunately, talked it up with me to leave him. i held our relationship as a sort of defense mechanism. i relied on him to make me feel happy. i did a lot of things with him, and including those of the unsavory before i became of age. (i ever regret doing them- but how would i have known- i wasn't the adult here. he was.)

oh and have i mentioned he said the (un)iconic "you're pretty mature for your age." to me

you know whats one of the funniest weirdest shit about our relationship events was? he would show me this club penguin vid where there is a troll making crude remarks and harass someone (presumably a kid). that brotherman bill cp video. he would recite and memorize the song while blindfolded. ironic how he turns out to be in the end.

the wake up call was when he retweeted nsfw of an underage fictional character. seeing that purged my stomach.

yes. it was nsfw of a fictitious minor that was the nail to the coffin. nothing else. i was so delusioned. so troubled. i couldnt see anything else problematic until that happened.

it was so hard for me to let go of him. thankfully i had friends who comforted me and stuck with me through the whole way through. i was on my bed crying.

we've been in close contact for 5 years. i was convincing myself to stay on a doomed relationship because i didnt know what to do- i was already broken and unwell. i was very co-dependent (and i think some of those negative traits still follow me to this day- learning how to get out of that though). my groomer has left a large gap of my mind when we broke off- i revolved so much stuff around him.... and i forgot a lot of memories because of the trauma- taking even the happy unrelated to him ones with it.

i cared too much. and as someone who draws fast- you can imagine how much ive done.

my old files are infested with his likeness. i know i can just delete them but theres so much. so many. it is utterly revolting to see it all and the memories that come with it.

but as time went on, im starting to care less and less about what has happened between us. i am still traumatized of course and a lot of the negative things followed me, but i am healing somewhat and thats what matters i think. most of the things ive associated with him- the connection is fading. i have separated fnaf from him. i no longer associate orange foxes with him. i am comfortable drawing characters in black beanies.

if there is anything i should be grateful for, is that im no longer with him and im happier with someone else. im thankful for the friends who have helped me cope out of that shitfest.

if you know who this person is, i advise you not to witchhunt and harrass him. i dont know what hes doing and honestly i dont give a fuck on how he's doing. he should get help honestly. it is me, myself the victim, who has the say on the matter- and my say is to leave out of his sight.

if you are a minor and someone older than you does these similar things to you, please let your parents and friends know immediately. please be safe.

if my groomer ever reads this, somehow, then to him i say: i am not afraid of you and i do not care about you anymore.

thank you for reading.

#groomers #tw grooming #cw grooming #please let me know what else to tag #thoughts

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therhythmafterthesummer · 1 day

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Hello you! I’m new to your ~lore~ and I noticed you like talking about your characters (which is vvv cute btw!) so I was wondering what are some complications that pretty and Chris face within the relation?? Since she’s human? This is my first werewolf au so bare with me but when I started it I thought “they’re never gonna have sex” bc I thought it’d be too… difficult for the human.. but yeah that’s just a example I also mean non sexual stuff if there is any!! Mwah

warms my heart that you think it's cute and not annoying as hell sidfnsikjdfn i can imagine it might be for some people.

i really do love talking about these things! so much so, i'm gonna have to put a cut here because damn, this got a bit long.

so, here's what i think:

when it comes to complications in a werewolf x human relationship like pretty and chris'... in their case specifically, the mechanics of sex isn't a problem. their bodies are highly compatible. what could potentially be a problem would be chris' supernatural strength. he definitely could hurt pretty if he let's go of himself a bit too much, but i think that on a subconscious level he's so attuned to her it's very unlikely that something like that could happen.

i feel like the biggest problems could come more in the emotional/social department. the pace at which werewolf x werewolf relationships develop isn't the same as it'd be in a werewolf x human one. chris was ready for anything almost as soon as they got together, i'm pretty sure. marriage, mating, puppies, anything. he was absolutely ready to settle down because that's just how werewolves are. 0 chill when it comes to these things. whereas pretty is just a human. we're more complex in that department, i fear.

so at the beginning of their relationship he was probably restraining himself a lot (we've seen it in some drabbles and such. like the mirror one... man was going through it).

then there's also the fact that, as an alpha werewolf (and THE alpha of the pack), there's this unspoken thing that what he says is gospel (even when he tries his best to not fall too much into this dynamic). even though pretty is a member of the pack and is affected by his status to some degree, her being human means there's more mental resistance when it comes to any "order" he might give that she disagrees with. if they don't communicate well, their arguments could be monumental (kinda like what happened in afraid to lose you).

oh, and his possessiveness... that could also get pretty complicated (not to say toxic) if he doesn't make the conscious effort to not let it get the best of him. pretty would also have to learn to understand these things, some times he might get very uncomfortable if she's too close to another male/alpha or he might want her to do things a certain way. just like chris tries his best to be rational, pretty also tries her best to accommodate his instinctual needs (within her boundaries, of course). again, communication is key.

there's probably also the whole societal thing when it comes to a hybrid relationship like this one. some werewolves would probably think chris is crazy for "lowering" his standards like this (their words, not mine!) instead of finding himself a pliant omega to mate with. this is something we know affects pretty to some level, making her insecure that she might not be enough and such. but chris couldn't care less, honestly. that's his prettiest, she's perfect as is.

that's all i can think about right now! feel free to let me know if i'm not making any sense or if i should clarify something further. i tried my best sjkdhfkjsdf

#anon #ask #wereroomies ask #wereroomies headcanons

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dustysalmon · 13 days

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Show Me Yours And I'll Show You Mine - Asajj Ventress x Crosshair (Part 2)

AN: For the sake of not having our two protagonists perform public/voyeuristic sex, we’re all going to imagine that the clones were given cozy individual homes on Pabu, and are not all living aboard the same spaceship. Thank you for your understanding!

CW: smut; dom/sub dynamics, angst

Word count: 2.5k ⎮ Read on ao3 ⎮ Part 1

"Love what you’ve done with the place." Ventress says as she scans the area. It is mostly grey, and empty. She can’t muster any other word to better describe the place. Empty shelves, empty closets by the looks of it, blinds shut close. There might have been no one living there, there would be no difference. Crosshair is a soldier, after all; more than that, he’s a clone. Theoretically, they have no use for personal items, family pictures and the likes, although Ventress knows a few specimens who would beg to differ. But probably not Crosshair.

"Have you come here just to taunt me some more?" Ventress’ eyes roll to the back of her head in mild annoyance.

"Quit your whining and sit," she motions to the couch, "I’ll check on you." Crosshair’s eyebrows shoot up briefly.

"I said I was fine."

"Yes, and we’ve established that you’re a terrible liar. Now go on." He is ready to argue some more, but she offers him the same death stare she threw him earlier, just seconds before having him fall on his backside, and he has no desire for a repeat performance.

"Good boy."

Crosshair is very thankful for the small amount of light that the closed blinds allow in, because he can feel a hot blush running all the way from his cheeks to his neck. Miraculously, it appears Ventress hasn’t noticed. Kriffing hells, when did he ever let anyone under his skin like that. Dragging his feet, he walks to the couch. And waits. The irritation on her face brings him an inexplicable amount of joy, and a small smirk pulls lightly at his lips. It’s not often he gets to have the upper hand with this one, he will enjoy life’s little pleasures for as long as he can. Eventually, recognising that the enjoyment might hold up to getting his shit rocked for a third time, he lifts up his shirt. Ventress is so surprised that the man is actually capable of pulling a smile that she doesn’t even seem bothered by the whole thing. She simply takes a seat next to him on the couch.

"You froze."

"Excuse me?" He stops his movements, knowing precisely what she is referring to.

"While we were fighting. You had a clear opening," she says matter of factly, "and then you froze." There’s an indescribable expression painting his face, along with a certain darkness, as if he shut down completely. Suddenly he is very conscious of his unstable hand holding his shirt. If it wasn’t currently gripping the fabric so tight, he knows it would waver.

"I don’t want to talk about it." He says in a low tone. Now, Ventress might be a big tease when she wants to, but she also knows how to read the room. She nods and focuses back on the newly revealed expanse skin.

The scars on his body are not shocking to her, she has seen her fair share of violence and knows what war does to someone, both physically and mentally. It is more the amount and nature of his scars that baffle her. A lot of them are clearly from old battles, some blasters burns, a few cuts here and there, white criss crosses on his darker skin. Clearly the man has deviated from his initial sharp shooting duties more than once. Ventress can see the bruises of her own making, those will go away in a few days. A particular scar catches her attention. It’s not a wound one earns on the battlefield, that much is clear. This one is clean, surgical even, as if— yes, he was deliberately sliced open. Mechanically, Ventress lifts up the shirt to his upper torso, to reveal the gash in its entirety, running from navel to collarbone. She traces along the abused skin with one delicate finger, and feels him tremble under her touch. Ventress has heard all about the Empire test subjects, the pseudo scientific experiment on aliens, humans, she can only imagine what is done to very expendable clones. She looks up to find his light brown eyes already fixed on her, silently begging her not to ask.

It has been years since Crosshair has been touched, well, touched that way at least, with care, and no desire to harm. Quite different from the Empire’s claws digging into him the past few weeks, and throughout his life-time really. Property since before he was even created, thrown from one battle to another as a soldier, then from one cell to an operating chamber, and back to another cell after having been declared a traitor to the Empire.

It’s funny, he doesn’t recall having any particular reaction to Ventress grabbing at him and very much touching him earlier. This is oh so deliciously foreign, it burns him, and he wants more. He wants her to make it all go away, the pain, the memories of his cold and dark room back on Tantiss. He wants the warmth of her presence surrounding him, cradling him to sleep like a little boy. He must not get used to this, he knows that, but blast it, she is making it damn difficult. It’s not simply her touch, though, she is doing something with her hands, with her mind, he realises as a wave of calm runs through him. He feels his entire body relax, his breathing slowing down. He couldn’t explain or describe it, the only thing he is certain of at the moment is that he doesn’t want it to go away.

Halas, nothing lasts forever, that is especially true of the good things, and Crosshair feels her hand slip away. Only for Ventress to reach up and cup his jaw affectionately. He leans into it so easily and instantly, like a well-domesticated loth cat. Without a word, Ventress glides her fingertips over his mouth, grazing the surface of his now half parted lips before slipping her thumb inside slowly. Their eyes meet as he sticks out his tongue, swirling it lasciviously around her digit and sucking it back into his mouth. They keep this little game up for a few minutes, her thrusting in and out, sometimes switching to her middle and pointer finger while telling him how much of a good boy he is; him taking it all, occasionally humming and moaning with his mouth full.

Ventress straddles him effortlessly, elegantly even, as she seems to do with everything else, pulling his shirt up and off in the same motion. She reaches unceremoniously into his pants and boxers to find his hardening cock, and he gasps as she closes her fist around the velvet and warm skin. In no time, he is melting in her hands, his breathing ragged and eyes shut close as he tries not to explode right here and there.

"Look at me." A simple command, softly spoken yet he cannot ignore it, not with her intense gaze pinning him down, holding him there. She starts grinding herself against him, because there is no world in which he gets to have all the fun— all the while unfastening her shoulder straps and pulling her shirt and brassiere over her head. Crosshair is utterly transfixed, he is no virgin but it has been a while, and the sight of her rocking against him causes his brain to nearly short-circuit. Soon, he feels her hands at the back of his head, pulling him in, and before he knows it, his lips are wrapped around her nipple, licking and sucking tenderly on the sensitive flesh. Finally something to distract him from the fact that he has never been this hard in his entire life, and that he was seconds away from finishing before having truly started anything. It’s her turn to moan, and he’s not one to brag but he enjoys small victories. Most of all, he enjoys the flurry of praises that escape her lips, affections are so foreign to him, so rare, he had forgotten what it feels like to be handled so delicately, to be touched that way, coaxed into pleasure.

He releases her nipple and looks up at her, awaiting for her queue as to what is next, and to his surprise, she grabs his face and kisses him. It is hungry, messy, and deliciously addictive, having her tongue clashing against his while she is clawing at his back. He had wondered about that, kissing her, wondered if it was out of bounds, too intimate, something exclusively reserved for long-time lovers. He doesn’t know much about romance but he can definitely see why people are so tipsy about those things. For the moment, he is just glad that she took the initiative, she has been so very good at that so far.

They are both breathless by the time they finally part, chest heaving and drops of sweat trickling slowly between their bodies.

"Bed?" Ventress presses, only mildly disappointed in her lack of self-control.

"Yes, ma’am." Crosshair breathes, placing his hands under her thighs and standing from the couch as Ventress secures her strong legs around his hips.

Somehow he’s the one ending up with his back on the mattress, in the meantime, Ventress has already ridded herself of the remaining of her clothes and makes quick work of his. There’s no warning, no preamble when she grips his cock and sinks down on it in a single motion, filling herself to the brim, and he can’t say he recognises the sound that emerges from deep within his chest, something between an ecstatic moan and an panicked howl. It has been a while indeed. It doesn’t help that Ventress sets a vicious rhythm, riding him like a race varactyl on Utapau. Multiple times over, Crosshair attempts to regain control, to set his own pace, but she is absolutely relentless, unyielding. He should have known.

She shoves him back onto the mattress at each of his attempts to straighten up, hands on his slick chest before finally pinning both his wrists on each side of his head while she keeps moving her hips back and forth at a nearly violent pace. He matches her thrust for thrust, jutting his pelvis up into her as deep as she will let him. Again, it’s a battle he will probably lose, but he is fine with that and decides to give it his all regardless. His resolve finally snaps when Ventress starts to clench around him, gripping his cock like a tight fist, and milking him from the inside. His orgasm overtakes him like a thunderstorm on Kamino, waves after waves of raw pleasure course through him. It is quite special sight, Ventress thinks, seeing this usually stoic clone utterly losing his composure, mumbling unintelligible curses while she is very much still fucking him through his climax to throw herself over the edge too. It doesn’t take long for her to collapse next to him, her chest heaving, and a satisfied smile on her face.

They lay side by side in the afterglow, Crosshair occasionally brushes a strand of her short hair away from her face, his fingertips lingering on her bone white skin. He is quite easy on the eyes, Ventress thinks, with his sharp cheekbones and features, his beautiful brown eyes, his rough exterior that she now knows conceals a vulnerable being, unique, and capable of so much more than what he was initially created for. She runs the back of her hand against the stubble on his cheeks, enjoying the little tingles it procures on her skin.

"Want me to get out of your hair?" Ventress asks, not particularly eager to retreat to her smaller, and rustic accommodation.

Crosshair works some saliva into his mouth, "You don’t have to go if you don’t want to," he says, lowering his eyes somewhere on the covers.

"I’m asking you. What do you want?" He knows exactly what she is trying to achieve here, if her wicked little smirk is any indication. All things considered, she has seen him come undone just a couple of minutes ago. Admitting that yes, actually, he enjoys the intimacy doesn’t make him weak, it makes him real. There’s no need to keep up appearances, not with her.

"I want…" Crosshair meets her eyes once more. "I wouldn’t mind if you stayed."

#the bad batch #asajj ventress #ct 9904 #crosshair #crosshair x ventress #star wars #tbb crosshair #tbb #tbb imagine #the bad batch imagine #fanfiction

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creepedverse · 2 months

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MOD ASK - For those of us joining or rejoining the fandom, do you have any advice on OC creation like how to make them feel real or part of the creepypasta universe?

Also Im super hyped about the creepedverse!!

d6 - having fun with it is the most important thing. it's creepypasta, it's not that deep. research what you don't know (especially mental illnesses you do not have: i do not recommend adding diagnoses just for the hell of it) and don't be shy to impart parts of yourself and your experiences onto a character. that's what makes them unique.

D - I would say make sure your oc has weaknesses, while I love a Mary sue if you want it to feel real you need drawbacks to abilities, certain things are going to cause trauma but there are different ways ppl cope with it. Figure out what your oc’s coping mechanisms are. Also don’t be scared to give them a fleshed out background. Family friends. How do they interact w different kinds of ppl? Who do they prefer to stay around and for what reason/s? What motivates them? What makes them sad?

T - Look into psychology, study characters from classic literature, give them unique designs (make sure they have something recognizable about them). People aren't going to give a shit about your character unless you show them why they should. Have fun with it, take pride in it. Make it YOURS. Tropes also help as a good baseline. Learn the rules before you break them

N - Make something you're passionate about, something you can fixate on and sink your teeth into the details of. Character sheets are so so fun, but a lot of good characterization comes from how your oc interacts with the world around them, with other characters, with themselves. Write who they are when no one's watching, write how they feel about themselves and other people, write their thoughts, their actions, their reactions, write a world around them, and see what happens. Get visceral with it, give them the capacity to be awkward and clumsy and human. Study whatever medium you're creating them in. If you're an illustrator, research character design. If you're a writer, study literary devices and techniques. Look at characters that are similar, or characters you like, creators that write your favorite characters well and see what specific things they do that makes their characters so compelling. @crushedsweets is a star at character design, and communicating what a character's personality might be through color and shape language. @diasartstuff is great at making a whole universe around a character and giving them an ecosystem, a family, a social circle. @necroromantics writes character bonds so well, the intimacy of relationships and love in it's most prosaic and cynical forms, but writes like poetry, in a way that cements it's importance to his characters. So on and so forth. Study your favorite creators, take lessons from how they work. And don't forget to trust your own judgement, too. Nobody's ever going to make what you make as well as you do.

#u must find a schtick -sucker #mod ask #mod answers #long post

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revvywevvy · 1 year

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I’m not gonna stop you from your Cheerful Chip fan fiction

Matter in fact To be honest I’m always wonder what kind of wonderful improved artful art than the last art will be with you and Chip will be

It’s just that I’m think there is a certain sad wet cat waiting on the porch metaphorically saying

But beside that, Your Art has improved over the time and I am glad to have witnessed it

-H/B Anon

P.s. I don’t know if the wording color is for you ,for me it’s Black

P.p.s. How bout role swap, our beloved Himbo and Bimbo as Toons and their beloved Chelly as a Cog (a tall Chelly is something )

hiiiiiiii nonny~ hehe thank you very much for all of the encouraging words, I appreciate it so much!!!! <3 don't worry, misty will get the braincell soon. however. for now we have more pressing things to discuss. the role swap au.

You got me going again SOOOO much lmao- Here they are!!!! The poly roleswapped!!! Unfortunately Chelly. does not get much taller lol She's just a bit taller than the tallest possible toon species'. Chelly is based on those cute little vacuums with the little faces on them. You've seen those before, right? If not please look them up they're so cute.

I'LL WRITE ALL THE INFO UNDER THE CUT BC THIS GETS VERY LONG <3

Chip is a wolf toon, and Misty is a sheep toon! Both ideas were by my lovely friend @photon-crest-art whose input I appreciate sooo much!!! her ideas got me going foaming at the mouth crazy over this role swap even more than I already was SDHGDSGHDSHS also tagging @frostbite-the-bat bc they also hyped me up a lot while I was in the process of making all these!!! <3

When it comes to the whole override thing, Chip just. Goes absolutely wild at night sometimes. He's a werewolf!!! But. literally since he's already a wolf. this was also photon's idea thank you photooooon heehee <3

Misty has her weather powers still! So she can still change weather phases and essentially smite people with lightning if they make her really mad lol

Unfortunately both toons are outcast because of their respective 'quirks'. However, to their surprise, one person does support them through it all! They weren't expecting it to be this absolute nervous wreck of a cog who is, surprisingly, very very silly and toon-like! She clings to them like glue, but they appreciate it so much!! I feel like toon Chip and toon Misty would both be very sad very lonely toons, perhaps becoming more prone to bouts of low laff and poor health as such from such a poor mental state. However, they've got each other now and Chelly too!! Just like how the normal toon Chelly's health was pretty shit due to her mental state but improved having Chip and Misty around, she's now able to pay that love back ten-fold in this au!! Hehe it always comes back to 'love heals' with me <3

OH YES AND I WROTE CHELLY'S COG STATS!!!! a. and potential bossfight cutscenes. um. yeah. I went a little overboard haha. these cutscenes are uh. I think they're longer than the ones in-game??? I. don't know. I think they are. sorry not sorry >u<

Manager Chelly

The Mechanician

Location: “Pain, Pain, Go Away” Mechanical Clinic, Sunflower Street [Daffodil Gardens]

Cog Overview

Department | Bossbot

Position | Regional Manager

HP | 4800

Defense | 65

Lvl | 26.mgr

Lowest Damage | 25

Highest Damage | 31

Real Name | Eureka Numa “Chelly” Honeywell

Honorifics | Dr. / Ms. / Mx.

Employee ID | 01899

Likes | Tinkering, Cute and Soft Things, Comfortable Silence, Singing

Dislikes | Unwarranted Judgement, Violence (Most of the Time), Social Overstimulation

Content Sync

100 Laff Soft Cap (107 Max)

All Gags Permitted

Pink Slips restricted

Opening Cutscene

The Toons enter the doors at the far back of the building, leading them to the real cog clinic inside. The Mechanician is seen speaking to a Flunky. Neither cog seems to notice their approach, as they are focused on their consultation while the Toons get closer.

“...and that should do it then, little sprout!”

“Are you sure this is alright, Ms. Honeywell? Wouldn’t the Chairman get angry over that?”

At the Flunky’s concerns, the Mechanician fiddles with her hands. She shakes her head before re-addressing the Flunky.

“...R-Right. He may see it as ‘slacking’, but… well. You know how I feel about that. Just… try to heed my instructions to the best of your ability.”

“Whatever you have the room to do, okay, bud? Remember, your health comes first.”

“Yes, ma’am! Thank you again.”

The Flunky begins to fly away, and with a nod, she sees him off.

“Of course. Come back any time!”

The Mechanician sighs, shaking her head.

“Ugh. You’d think that man-baby would realize sooner… without us all, he’s…-”

She trails off, turning upon noticing the Toons. She startles, letting out a squeak at their presence, but tries to relax herself to make conversation with them.

“Ah! T-Toons?! Uh- Ahem.”

“Um… hello there! Are you… perhaps here for a check-up? I apologize, but… um, ahaha.. I-I only know how to treat cogs.”

“Unless you… have an appliance in need of fixing? I can do that too…”

The Toons get angry. The Mechanician pulls her hands up to her chest, taking a few steps back, clearly nervous.

“Eep! O-Okay, message received… U-Um… oh, look! Is that, um, a doodle pup?”

The Mechanician gestures behind the toons. The Toons turn around to look, all confused when they see nothing. The Mechanician begins tip-toeing away while they’re distracted. One toon looks back at her and exclaims as they see her try to sneak away. She yelps and breaks into a panicked sprint, running off into another, much larger room room further in the building. The Toons make chase.

She runs into a storage room and to an emergency escape door. However, before she reaches it, a stick of TNT thrown by a toon lands in front of the door. She startles and stumbles away from it before it explodes. The exit is now unusable. She turns, and the toons have caught up to her.

“Oh no… wait, h-hold on..! Surely we can talk things out civilly, r-right?! I… I really don’t want to fight you!”

The Toons refuse and begin to approach, the Mechanician backing up towards the wall as they close in.

“N-No, please!! I don’t want to hurt anyone… please don’t make me! I… someone, help!!”

The Mechanician reaches into her pocket, pulling out a panic button and pressing it with shaking hands. Once she does, two cogs promptly fly into the room, landing at the Mechanician’s sides. The battle begins.

Ending Cutscene (Mercy)

The Mechanician reaches to her power core, hand hovering over it shakily. She is clearly in immense pain, her panic now reaching a boiling point as she realizes how injured she really is. Suddenly, her hands clench into fists and she quakes through the pain, knocking the toons off their feet. The quake doesn’t damage the toons, however.

“STOP!!!! THAT.. IS QUITE.. ENOUGH!!!”

She shakes her head, pulling her hands to her chest protectively and looking at the Toons as they rise to their feet.

“Why…?! I’ve been clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to fight! But… B-But you just won’t LISTEN!”

Her hands rise, holding her head in distress.

“Wh-What do you even get from this… from hurting me?!”

The Toons do nothing.

“I… I get it. This war. It… must be so stressful on you. On all of you.”

“B-But… I’ve been careful… so, so careful!”

The Mechanician turns her head, looking away from the toons for a moment before turning back to them.

“I… I know we’re *supposed* to fight toons, but… I’ve never seen the point. All of this violence is ridiculous to me.”

“All I’ve ever wanted was to stay on the sidelines, and to help those who were hurt.”

“I mean… I’ve never even gone out and fought toons before, anyhow! ...So… why? W-Why me?”

The Toons do nothing.

“...Ah. So that’s why. You see me as a threat… because of what I do for my fellow suits?”

The Mechanician shakes her head in disappointment.

“Have you Toons ever put yourselves in a Suit’s shoes? A-At least… just for a moment?”

“If you did, you’d understand. I… I understand the plight you Toons go through.”

“However, you’re not the only ones suffering. Whether they fall low or high on the chain of command… we all hurt, just the same.”

She pauses, wincing in pain herself. She’s visibly twitching and glitching out.

“Wh-What, do you think we deserve for our pain to stick forever? That no-obody should help us when we’re hurt?”

“......”

“Could you i-i-imagine it yourself? Feeling like gravity’s about to crush you… i-into small, mushy, toony bits?”

“Where… where all yo-o-ou can do is panic, and hope? Because, at th-that point, there’s nothing you can do? No way to mov-ve, or call out… or anything.”

“...You’d want your fe-ellow toons to help you when you’re hur-ur-hurt and scared, wouldn’t you?”

The Toons do nothing.

“...Right. I’d h-hope so. At the mo-oment it may be all f-fun and games… and I wish it st-stayed that way. B-B-But we.. all know that isn’t the case.”

The Mechanician sighs, twitching more heavily than before.

“...”

“W-Well… perhaps this experience has.. given you some food for thought.”

The Mechanician pauses, seeing an opening in the roof from the battle. She looks at the Toons one last time, expression saddened.

“Now… i-if… if you’ll ex-excuse me. Seems… this repairwoman… n-needs some repairing, herself. Please… if you can help it… d-don’t come back.”

The Mechanician moves to fly away, but one of the toons walks ahead of the group, pausing near her. She pauses, watching the toon for a moment, before nodding.

“It’s okay, I understand. I-I-IIIIIIIIIII-”

“..I forgive you.”

The Mechanician flies away.

Ending Cutscene (Defeat)

“STOP!!!! THAT.. IS QUITE.. ENOUGH!!!”

She shakes her head, pulling her hands to her chest protectively and looking at the Toons as they rise to their feet.

“Why…?! I’ve been clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to fight! But… B-But you just won’t LISTEN!”

Her hands rise, holding her head in distress.

“Wh-What do you even get from this… from hurting me?!”

The Toons attack.

“Gh-!! ……Heartless… y-you’re all heartless!”

The Mechanician pauses, seeing an opening in the roof from the battle. She looks at the Toons one last time, expression disgusted.

“I see now… w-why the Chairman insists we fight you T-T-Toons. You’re just as cr-cruel as some of those suits can be.”

The Mechanician flies away.

Notes

[Sorry no specific Cheats past the usual ‘Cog Capacity’ and ‘Lure Resistance’ ones because my brain is kind of melting right now lol. Also no specific damages listed with each attack besides what I already said above about the minimum and maximum for the same reason.]

Another note about cheats, I know for certain she’d have a sort of healing cheat. Knowing her personality she’d end up healing herself, her allies AND the toons. She just wanna be frens :(

Attacks

Guilt Trip

Water Cooler

Brain Storm

Rolodex

Her employee ID is based on the approximate year the first motorized vacuum was invented.

Excluding her nickname "Chelly", her first, middle and last name are all based on various companies that produce vacuums.

I was initially going to have it that all rewards could be used, but with how cog Chelly is, she'd do anything to ensure that pink slips wouldn't be used. She thinks the canons would hurt the cogs, or that someone, toon or cog, might get hit in the crossfire.

also that 3rd drawing, the transparent one. sticker :)))))))))))

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kaddyssammlung · 1 month

Text

BPD / C-PTSD / bad relationship dynamics in Sleep Token lyrics - Part 1

Let's take another topic that I see in the lyrics and just take a closer look.

Of course it's something that I know from my life because it's the only stuff that I ever came up with so far.

Whatever.

So you guessed it: BPD / C-PTSD / strange relationship dynamics....

TW for general mental health stuff I guess

Fields of Elation

“Nobody else can pull me out”

That idealization that I sense in that.

To someone with BPD a partner or their child or anyone can be their perfect "one and only". They are perfect end of story. They can do nothing wrong. Ever!

So only they can pull him out.

“Your name is a sin I breathe, like oxygen”

And there goes the opposite. Either he is ashamed in some way of his feelings because no one else understands them or he has his doubts about weather someone is actually good for him or not.

I do see this as “splitting” or as I usually refer to it "black and white thinking". Someone is either everything to me or they are nothing meaning that they are dead to me. And yes this can change within seconds depending on what they are doing.

Don't reply to one of my text within a certain time? Dead to me! Reply in a nice way immediately: everything to me.

This is in the past btw.

Okay maybe I still have some of that in me. I should talk in the past tense. I'm afraid that at the end of this someone will say: yo...go to therapy again. I think you need it. I had enough of that. So...Idk...just thinking out loud.

When the Bough Breaks

“even when we run with death”

It makes me think about my ex-boyfriend and how we shared some unhealthy coping mechanisms. When your answer to your intense feelings is always something unhealthy and your partner shares that with you, it does not go very well. Let's leave it at that. (I said enough about SH and stuff like that...don't feel like bringing it up again)

Calcutta

“wrapped and quartered … missing pieces find me”

Reminds me of a feeling of not knowing who you are. I don't remember much of my childhood until I was about twelve. Everything is just gone. It's dissociated from me.

“I sweat and I ache for Your eyes and the way you breath … I'm whole again”

It reminds me of relying on someone else. Not in a normal extent but more in a way that you need others to define who you are. Like I said, I don't really know who I am so I crave the attention of someone else. Especially compliments. Maybe this is one of the reason why I liked dancing and standing on the stage so much. Standing there....looking into the crowd and their cheer you and applaud and we also got standing ovations quite often.

I feel like when it comes to BPD and the arts or movies and television or music then you will find many that have that. Idk...that's just my guess.

All of this attention from someone else and he feels whole again. I get that.

Nazareth

“and I'll see you when the wrath comes”

I'm someone who will choose anger over sadness. I recently learned that this is a typical male – BPD- trait. Okay?!

Anyway....that blind rage that used to take over. I don't miss this. Not even a second I would turn into a monster. Scream, slam doors, scream at myself, hit others....myself...mostly myself but yes things happened.....That was a long time ago.

The Way That You Were

“and you think I don't notice the way that you were”

Well...there is no version of myself that I can go back to. It's not like something happened when I was already a bit older. No...a lot happened and it began in early childhood. It's devastating.

“How much did they hurt you?”

idk...let's put an example in here. I was one of those babies who would just cry for hours. So my mother told me that she stopped taking my crying seriously. She thought I cried over nothing and just left me crying.

How can you build trust in other humans when you start out like that?

“and how much did they break you?”

Until I had no idea who I was...?!

“and how far did they take you?”

Let's just say that when your parents are not around much, and you also don't trust them then you open the door for someone with bad intentions.

This whole song just screams early trauma for me. But that's just my way of seeing this.

Jaws

“and why you're taking it slow show me what wounds you've got … show what you've lost”

I don't want to talk about that today. Let's just say trauma and also just read my pinned post and you know what I've lost.

I feel like putting this in here again, what Vessel said about Jaws:

“Our jaws are the tools we have to rend apart. They show our concealed aggression, and take something once hidden and burst it apart. You don't know someone until you have seen them destroy something. Jaws is an exploration of the frustration which accompanies the sense that someone close to you is hiding their true self.”

I have destroyed so many things, actual physical things but of course also so many relationships.

So I can just relate to what he is saying.

I have to prepare some stuff because of Easter and I guess I will continue this next week or when I feel like it. I have so much already anyway. If someone is bored you can klick here.

#sleep token #sleep token lyrics #actually bpd #bpd relatable #bpd recovery #bpd relationships #living with cptsd #tw mental illness #tw mental health #tw abuse

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rapharoni-supreme · 2 years

Text

Andrea-Mod’s Raph-focused fics masterpost

Since I’m posting my fics here, I figured I might as well make a masterpost of all my Raph-focused fics that I’ve written (so far). Starting from the earliest:

Knitting Needles Make Good Conversation Starters

How does the so-called 'angry one' of the family become not so angry? Simple. With a few good coping mechanisms, and a lot of help and support from his family. ((Literally the first fic I ever wrote for Rise, so pls excuse any typos or out of date details/OOC-ness)).

Patience and Fangs

There are many things Splinter still has to learn when it comes to being a father to four turtle tots. But one things is for certain: He loves his sons. ALL parts of them, even the parts that may be a bit more... savage.

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

It’s always good to take a break, especially during the rough times. Breaks that involve your favorite little brother and a bunch of fun, cuddly and slightly mischievous puppies? Those are even better. ((Post s2-finale, Mikey helps Raph de-stress after the whole Shredder ordeal))

Test Subject #1-R

“Why were you trying to lift a bus anyway?” Donnie asked, his face a mix of tired and exasperated, “Do you seriously not remember last time?”

“No, I remember,” Raph replied, scowling a little, “I just thought that now that I had a little more Raph power-!”

“While the scientific part of me would like to encourage experimenting and testing, I’m fairly certain your Aura Clone-Jutsu technique wasn’t meant to be used to pick up buses for fun.” ((Post s2-finale, Raph and Donnie experiment w/ Raph’s new aura powers))

Sweet Sixteen

On the morning of Raph's birthday, he and his father share a moment, and Raph is reminded that even if birthdays don't always feel like a big deal, they can still be worth celebrating.

Snapper's Day Out

What was meant to be a relaxing day out (and a simple trip to Teddy Bear Town) for Raph ends up having a few extra twists to it. But, that doesn't necessarily make it a bad day. Far from it, actually.

A Matter of Perspective

It hadn’t exactly changed much, it was still the same old face he always had. Same old eyes and snout and snaggletoothed mouth. He had to wonder what had made these things - what had made all of him, apparently - so ‘criminal-like’ for lack of a better word.

(OR: Raph deals with the aftermath of the whole Heinous Green situations, and the not-so-great feelings that comes with it)

On The Bench

What happens when the turtle who's known for taking the big hits and being the team protector ends up being the one that others have to look out for? ((post s2 finale, Raph has to deal with suddenly being the one that people are fretting over/protective of after he gets seriously injured in battle))

Mind Over Kraang-Matter

“...I guess it makes sense,” Donnie admitted, “That you’d be worried about… that happening again. But besides the fact that the Kraang don’t have any control over you anymore, you shouldn’t be trying to restrain yourself or- or punish yourself for being controlled in the first place, Raph. We know that you’d never try to hurt us, and you know that too. The thing that did try to hurt us wasn’t you, it was a complete different-!”

“But that’s-!” Raph stopped himself. He didn’t want to snap at Donnie again, so he took another deep breath before continuing, his voice quieter now. “But that’s the problem. I know the Kraangified me wasn’t actually me and was a totally different thing, but… but I still worry that it’s still in there somewhere, waiting to come out and take over again.”

“Okay… Why do you think that it’s going to take over again?”

Raph gave a hollow laugh, keeping his eyes locked on the floor. “I mean… Come on, Don. The whole thing with the Kraang… It wasn’t the first time that someone else was able to 'take over' while I was blacked out...”

(OR: Raph copes with the mental aftermath of being Kraangified, and Donnie insists on helping him find a better way to cope.) ((Post-Movie, obvi))

Cracked Shield

“Heh, you're one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style…”

Even if they ended up not being Leo’s last words to him, Raph still had a feeling that they would haunt him for the rest of his life.

(It's easy being the one who protects, the one who saves others. It's not nearly as easy being the one who gets saved...) ((Post-Movie, obvi))

-----

So yeah! While I’ve got plenty of other fics that feature Raph, these are all the ones that are majorly focused on him and/or his relationships with other characters. And you can read these AND all my other RotTMNT fanfics on AO3, my username there is JustAndrea: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAndrea/pseuds/JustAndrea

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #raphael tmnt #my writing #fanfiction

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chocolatepot · 2 years

Text

Some disjointed thoughts on diagnosing fictional characters (particularly with autism) ...

So it's generally understood that you can't diagnose fictional characters or historical figures with any disorders or diseases, physical or mental. You don't have access to all the details. You can't run the kinds of tests you need to run. Fictional characters in particular may not have a coherent set of symptoms at all - they're not real people.

(This got long, so it's under a cut.)

However, the thing that has me thinking is that autism and ADHD are ... collections of traits. There is not an autism chemical in the brain that you can check for to see if a living person is autistic (or an ADHD switch) - psychologists observe children and talk to adults to figure out if they have enough of the traits in the bundle to be considered autistic(/ADHD). And that is mainly for the purpose of determining if they qualify for assistance of some kind, not to make an absolute proclamation. There are certain issues that will get them to that conclusion faster because they more clearly require that assistance, like being non-verbal, but that doesn't make those traits more or less essential to the condition itself.

And the fact is that a lot of the traits are generally considered part of normative human personalities. Probably everyone diagnosed as an adult has spent a lot of time considering themselves insensitive, stupid, careless, forgetful, messy, selfish, etc. Being able to pin these negative traits to a diagnosis often helps people stop castigating themselves because now they don't have to blame themselves for these things - it's not my fault, I don't forget to do my homework/misunderstand what people are saying to me/etc. because I'm a bad person on a moral level, it's because of the way my brain is.

I feel like a lot of the hullabaloo over self-diagnosis comes down to the idea that people with negative personality traits are trying to wriggle out of being held culpable for them. You see it from both sides. I am constantly forgetting things because there is something wrong with my brain that prevents me from retaining that information OR I only forget things when I'm deliberately not paying attention: you need to stop claiming that there is something preventing you from retaining information and accept that you are careless and choose to forget stuff. It only counts when you spend $1000 on a psychological evaluation and basically list the symptoms you found in the much-derided social media posts and have a doctor confirm that yes, those are all signs of ASD/ADHD and yes, you do seem to be describing incidents where you displayed them. (And also talks to your mother with you and the whole thing is incredibly embarrassing and your insurance decides they just aren't gonna pay for it!) But do we actually need to parse out who's "allowed" to be forgetful, or to have any other traits that can be seen as symptoms of neurodivergence? Isn't it possible that we are all at the mercy of our brains' mechanics to some extent? Again, there's no autism chemical that makes a diagnosed autistic person's natural bluntness more "not their fault" than the natural bluntness of someone not diagnosed.

Or, to bring it back to fictional character diagnoses, which is where this actually started, this turns into the idea that fans are trying to help the character get away with something by imposing a diagnosis on them, often with a side accusation that people are just projecting their own disorders onto characters they like (which in fairness we ND folk do joke about doing). But the thing is, if you've been dealing with your neurodivergence your whole life, you have quite a lot of expertise in what it looks like, and again, all psychologists do to diagnose ASD or ADHD is observe and compare what a patient does and says to what they know about how ASD/ADHD present ... which is what fans do when they watch a show or movie or read a book and come to the conclusion that a character is ND.

This feels unfinished but I can tell I have a headache coming on and besides, my lunch break is ending, so toodle-oo.

#asd #adhd #neurodivergence #what a lot of waffle for me to write to defend reading Ed and Stede as asd/adhd

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nut-in-me-jojo · 1 year

Note

If I may keep complimenting you, i just wanna say your Gyutaro feels really spot on.

You made him exactly how he should be, his entire flow chills me in all the ways demons should act in their audience's eyes; a demon, someone ruined. Who's only means of coping with abuse is fierce hostility, and in the poor environment Gyutaro was born in, it's not unexpected to turn into a violent and mean individual as a result of extreme abuse and discomfort. Especially when it comes to the ways of survival, the world stomps on the weak and poor masses, it never cared for him and/or his sister. So why should he give a rat's ass?

He's cold, he's cruel, he's mean and incredibly demeaning to the degree where he uses insults heartlessly thrown at him as a youngling on other people (I'd argue it isn't only for evil sadist's sake, but also a coping mechanism). The very people he viewed as monsters, he became worse in canon.

You know that meme where it says, "when you see a dude write a character differently than how you see them"? I adore writers, as a developing writer myself I maintain a massive respect for them. And i ain't gonna shit on them for their own thoughts and fanon (It's called headcanons for a reason. Bloggers can do whatever they like, it's their blog, their content after all), but when someone makes a society-abused literal demon like Gyutaro all love hearts and sweet like candy for little to no reason it makes me die a bit on the inside.

As I mentioned, it's their blog and all. I won't tell them how to run their shit, as it's not my place. But I never understood why anyone writes or reads OOC!charas. OOC just takes all the attractiveness of that character and...makes them not that character.

When you search up writing for a character you expect to read that character to act the way you've seen them. The reason why people read/follow certain characters it's because their traits are appealing, personality or otherwise. Not to say the characterization and research has to be totally 100% spot on or the writer has to mentally and/or physically understand the character. There are flaws in everyone's writing, perfection only exists in practice. But when I read a character, I do expect the writing to understand what their role was in the story.

I love Gyutaro but from a realistic standpoint, I utterly despise him. Tanjiro gave him and Daki exactly what they deserve, death. Why? Because Gyutaro is clearly written as a terrifying villain. A demon, corrupted by inhuman blood, who takes great joy and excitement from the fear of unfortunate victims. Gyutaro plays with his food, like cats do to mice; he canonly admitted more than a fair number of times he actively enjoys bringing torture and will absolutely give chase if it'll strike even more fright in their hearts. And Daki is only worse because of how picky, entitled princess she is. When I read villainous dudes I expect/want to read villainous things, and when there are lovey-dovey things there has to be corresponding reasons for it. By all means it doesn't have to be justified because in villain cases it almost never is, but it does have to make sense, needs to fit.

Yeah, I know. Love don't need to be complex, but complexity should be expected in characters written specifically as complex, right? KnY is deep in it's subjects. It's a demon-filled world, the demons are the bad guys of its entire story, so when love and demons mix you know it ain't anything normal or easy.

(Douma for example, is canonly stated as emotionless and psychopathic. Love in his demonic state seems down-right impossible, but should he ever 'experience' it, I'm pretty sure he's gonna be real awkward about it in standard Douma fashion. A stream of confusing and whole stage of denial following suit, seeing he grew accustomed and content with "nothing" for so many centuries despite a broken upbringing.)

Connecting love and villains together is fun for the same reason why people adjust their emotional connections for the consideration and comfort of other people. Because villains often want almost nothing to do with it. They are dark, selfish and very unnerving, predictably becoming of their lifestyles. True villains are distant-hearted, to the degree that distance directs how they act to themselves and other people. Unfeeling and unmoving even in front of opposing forces.

Gyutaro is a mega-asshole and romance stories with him are fascinating to explore, as stated above, because he's a villain (And because we all love a sleazy man done right).

So once more, I clap and throw hearts at your story. The gremlin man is green, mean and the proud owner of this poor woman's soul. I'm truly excited to see what you plan next in general. Don't mind me just gonna eat up all your other stuff. I' am more than honored to be a follower (And you're following me too?? Like whATT?) and enjoyer of this sweet sweet content.

so sorry for rambling i just really love your shit ok, just lemme know whenever i get to be too much.

Let me start by saying this is very incredibly sweet and totally made my day. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a nice review! Also, I could never ever ever get tired of people telling me how much they love my stuff, the encouragement is wonderful fuel for inspiration. So definitely don’t worry!!

I’m very glad you can appreciate my take on Gyutaro’s character. Yes, yes, yes, a million times yes to everything you said. You’ve listed off every little thing I’ve always strived for in this series which is a pretty big ego boost ngl lol.

But yes, I watched the entertainment arc as it aired and I got this idea for this story pretty much immediately before there were many fics for Gyutaro at all. But I knew most people who WERE gonna write for him would probably water him down and make him all fluffy like most people do with villains. Which I mean, nothing really wrong with that of course. I’ve certainly been one to enjoy those before.

But I wanted to have a story where he’s portrayed as the monster he really is. I wanted people to remember my fic as, “that one really fucked up one.” Lmao. Because as a reader, I feel like I’m always looking for a fic that has the true villain I actually signed up for, with all or most of their complexities in tact lol. So I wanted to deliver that to my dear readers.

I’m so very glad you’re enjoying the ride. Thank you again for the kind words! Ily5ever🥹

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 6 months

Note

tw self hate, religious trauma

Hi, I feel, in a way, sullied. I don't know where that comes from and I only really notice when someone else (mostly on tv) says something like that and it rings in me too. But I have a lot of self hate anyways so maybe that's why I don't notice it much.

I can't really tell in which way I feel like that. I experienced sexual assault but haven't had sex (because I am asexual) so maybe it is the SA or it is something from my minor religious trauma. I can't tell.

It makes me feel unworthy for many things. Again, through this whole self hate it is hard to say, why I feel a certain way. But the feeling of being sullied is one part of my feeling of unworthiness. I also feel spiritually unworthy. Idk I don't have a religion or anything because my religious trauma hasn't been that long ago, but when I even think about certain spiritual/religious things I think "I am too sullied to be heard by some deity etc".

I can't say why but it is a feeling deep inside of me. And idk, it makes fighting against the self hate hard, in another way than usual.

What can I do?

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. I can understand how experiences as awful as SA or religious trauma can influence or exacerbate self-hate and negative self talk.

Similar to this ask I answered, Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Meditation can aid in reducing the intensity of negative thoughts. Here are some tips on developing self-compassion. Note that self-compassion can be a gradual process, especially when you deal with a lot of guilt or self-loathing. Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can also be a therapeutic way to gain insight into your emotions and identify patterns or triggers. This can also help you work through your guilt. Perhaps it might also help to find things that empower you or that make you feel like you have power, whatever that means for you.

Overall, overcoming this may not be an overnight process, and may instead be a gradual and nonlinear process. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you explore these feelings and experiences, and equip you with some helpful coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw sa #tw religious trauma

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ninjakk · 2 years

Note

Hello, I’ve loved reading your posts on WWX and LWJ and MDZS in general. Spent most of it just nodding along and going ‘yes!’ at them.

I’m new to this world, found CQL/TU a couple months ago and I’m working my way through the novel rn as it becomes available in my country. But something that I’ve been wondering about, partly in response to your posts on WWX’s ‘obliviousness’ to his feelings for/attraction to LWJ in his first life, and partly because the way some ppl seem to insinuate that WWX is … dumb, for lack of better word, for not realising them sooner (which really bugs me); do you think it would’ve even been safe for him to realise that he had these feelings, especially given JC and Mme Yu’s attitude to him and cutsleeves?

Just curious about your thoughts on this, hope you’re well!

Hi there ☺️

Thank you for the ask and your lovely comments about my blog posts 🥰 I'm glad you are enjoying them 🙏🏻

I find this whole question very interesting! I'll try my best to answer it 😊

Personally, I don't like using the term oblivious, because I think that's rather harsh on him and I hope it doesn't come across that way in my posts! ❤️

WWX's attraction and feelings for LWJ are definitely, to a certain degree, subconscious to him. But he isn't oblivious to his feelings, he just doesn't understand them. They were both so young when they met, with teenage hormones raging and the overwhelming chemistry between them hitting them both like a tonne of bricks - It's no wonder they couldn't fully understand their feelings for each other. As I've said before, it probably didn't help that LWJ seemed rather cold towards WWX - not that it stopped him pursuing his attention any less! But we can't blame LWJ for this either, because he was trying to cope with the exact same feelings WWX had for him also. They just dealt with these confusing emotions differently - as so many often do.

I am the same - I can't stand it when people call WWX (or LWJ) dumb for not understanding their feelings for each other sooner. It's a lot to take in! They have every right to take as much time as they need to comprehend such new and monumental emotions. What teenager even understands half of the things they feel at that time in their life?! I think a lot of people forget how fleeting their time together actually was as well. They had three months together in the CR and a whole year past before they met again. A lot happens in the cultivation world over the next few years. They don't really get much time together, or a chance to work through their feelings before everything kicks off. I'm aware you are yet to finish the novel, so I'm trying to keep away from spoilers as much as possible! 🙂 WWX is definitely not dumb, in fact he proves to us all he's actually extremely intelligent on so many levels. He even uses his emotional intelligence throughout the novel, to help obtain information and to understand others. The only reason he doesn't face his feelings for LWJ is down to denial, which he uses as a defence mechanism. He tries to convince himself that the feelings he has are different to what they truly are. There are many reasons he does this. He has a reputation that he must uphold for his Sect, he grew up in a house with (at least) one homophobe and he has been subjected to heteronormativity from a young age. All of these factors add up to a very heavy mental burden, that causes him to bury his true feelings under lies and excuses that he tells himself, in order to counteract his underlying feelings.

Now onto your question ☺️

Obviously my answer is conjecture, because we will simply never know how characters would have truly reacted. Before I take a stab at the question, there are a few conditions I think would have to be in place before WWX could have come to terms with his sexuality in his first life. I think this could have only happened sooner if he'd been able to spend more time with LWJ and certain events hadn't happened in the cultivation world. I also think, even if he had accepted his feelings for LWJ, I'm not sure he would have told many people (if anyone, bar LWJ himself perhaps) at such a young age. But if WWX had realised his feelings for LWJ, and he did indeed tell people, it would have driven a wedge between him and JC. Considering JC and his homophobia, I don't think this would have went down well with him. In fact, I think he would have been disgusted at him - from what we can gather from his reactions to 'cut sleeves' in WWX's second life. Madam Yu took the most insignificant of things WWX did and used them as an excuse to harm him, both physically and in turn, mentally. So it's not too much of a jump to assume she would use this against him also. Of course, he also had his shijie, who cared for him dearly and I would hope, support him emotionally as much as she could. I'm not really sure what JFM would think of it all though. Personally, I think WWX wouldn't have been able, nor want to, continue living at LP if he had come to terms with his sexuality and told everyone in his first life. As I've covered above, WWX is incredibly intelligent. I think he would have realised how everyone would react and he might of hid it from them. I don't think his safety would have come into play, as he'd either leave, going off to do his own thing (becoming a rouge cultivator or working elsewhere - with or without LWJ) or perhaps kept it a secret until it was the right time.

Other than the above I can't really comment any further. I would hope, but I'm not sure how much this would have panned out, that if he had come to terms with his sexuality in his first life, LWJ would have been there for him and they would have been a couple ❤️ But I'm a sucker for a happy ending, so of course I'd write it that way if I had to guess 😂💞

Overall, I don't think WWX or LWJ were emotionally ready, or even mature enough, when they were so young, to come to terms with their feelings for each other at the time. MXTX masterfully wrote a beautiful love story that develops so naturally, without rushing them into something before they were ready and it makes their relationship in WWX's second life even more perfect 🥰

#mdzs wwx #mdzs wei wuxian #mdzs lwj #mdzs lan wangji #mdzs novel #wangxian #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #ask #answered asks #mdzs ask

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scorpiusthedreadless · 2 years

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hear me out…

even before fourth year, scorpius had some mental health problems. just imagine what life would’ve been like for him after everything went down.

so it’s very clear that he does have anxiety and social anxiety and is most likely neurodivergent. personally, i think he has adhd.

surely, after everything that’s happened, there has to be some kind of trauma he’s left to deal with, and there are certain coping mechanisms he’s picked up along the way.

first of all, there’s no doubt in my mind that he has ptsd. he’s been through a hell of a lot - he erased his best friend from reality, and although only for a moment, he was physically abused by his father in the alternate reality. and of course we can’t forget that he almost had his soul sucked out by a dementor.

also, i think there’s a chance he might have DID. this is because he’s experienced himself living two different lives with totally different people surrounding him. he saw himself in a different way. i feel like this would’ve stuck with him and he can sometimes interchange into this person he once lived as. although not an entirely different person, scorpius from the alternate reality could be seen as his alter.

this one could be as well as or instead of having DID, but i could also seeing have something like schizophrenia. i could imagine him hearing his father’s voice from the alternate reality saying he ‘disgraced the malfoy name’ and he might hallucinate being back in the alternate reality, the dementor that tried to suck out his soul and maybe even delphini.

- the story -

tw: alcoholism, self harm, mention of bullying, mention of death, relapsing, hospital, TRAUMA.

let’s say he does have all these things, and let’s say it’s been two years since astoria died. he and draco are both having a terrible day and only speak to each other when they go to visit her grave. they sit there and cry and hug for a while before going back inside.

about an hour later, draco says he wants to go for a walk to clear his head. scorpius decides to stay home and watch some old tapes of her and draco when they were younger.

draco leaves scorpius alone to watch the tapes, and scorpius gets sad after seeing her face on this day. he has a thought - sometimes albus uses alcohol to get rid of his troubles, maybe it’ll work for me too.

so, scorpius goes down to the liquor cabinet in the basement and grabs a bottle of his fathers strongest vodka. he takes a swig and his face scrunches up in disgust - how do people drink this stuff?

what albus failed to mention to scorpius was:

1) vodka isn’t usually had on its own - you’re meant to mix it with something e.g. lemonade

2) DONT DRINK TOO MUCH.

he downs the whole bottle and feels like he’s drifted away from his body - it’s nice. without thinking, grabs another bottle and cracks it open. he drinks half of that one when he hears his dad come home.

scorpius clears away the evidence (yes he manages to do this even though he’s extremely drunk) and he runs/stumbles up to his room, pretending to be asleep. draco never finds out about the vodka.

alcohol slowly becomes a more and more frequent coping mechanism for scorpius. when he hears things, or sees things, or is just feeling downright depressed, he goes to the liquor cabinet for comfort.

this goes on with no one apart from lily-luna finding out (i headcanon them as being really good friends when him and albus start dating) and the time rolls around when it’s three years since astoria’s death.

with all of the added stress of his mental state and the effects the alcohol is having on him, scorpius finally has one huge breakdown.

the same as last year, he expected his father to go out on a walk and get some fresh air. then, he can go down to the basement and get the alcohol. but this year, draco wants to be there for his son.

scorpius is frustrated by this, but says nothing. draco sees that scorpius seems distant and decides to go out on a walk for an hour. draco tells scorpius this and he seems a little too happy about being left alone. so, he does leave, for about 30 minutes.

scorpius, thinking he has a lot more time than this, goes straight downstairs and cracks open way more bottles than he ever has before. he manages to have 5 bottles of beer and about 3/4 of a bottle of vodka. straight.

draco unlocks the door carefully and hears crying from the basement. he doesn’t want to startle scorpius, so he creeps down slowly to get a better look at what the situation is before he acts.

what he sees terrifies him. he sees scorpius, sitting on the floor, surrounded by smashed bits of glass (from the alcohol bottles), a large piece of glass in his hand, blood dripping from his wrists.

scorpius is used to some lows. his lows from alcohol had never been that bad, but he’d kind of experienced them before. this time, his low state was out of control.

he’d smashed the bottles in rage and he’d accidentally gotten a cut on his wrist. he was worried at first, but the feeling grew nice as the blood ran down his skin.

so, he wanted more of that feeling. he’d picked up a large shard of glass and brought it to his wrist (that’s all im saying because i know this stuff can be triggering).

draco is stunned and has no idea what to do. there are tears streaming down scorpius’s face and he’s thrashing his arms about the place, blood splattering over the room.

all he does in the end is he cradles the drunken scorpius in his arms and gives him the affection he clearly needs. draco eventually decides that he needs to call an ambulance, because the bleeding has gotten worse.

scorpius is taken to st mungo’s, where he is put in a medically induced coma to help heal the cuts and the affects of the alcohol. he wakes up a week later, his father beside him.

scorpius hugs draco tightly and finally tells him everything that’s been going on for the past year. draco feels awful that he didn’t realise anything was wrong, but scorpius tries to make him feel better by saying that only lily figured it out, and that’s just because he let it slip when they were hanging at the train station late at night.

he explains that lily tried to stop him drinking, and it did work for a while, but things got too much when the bullying got worse and exams were building up pressure on him. lily never knew about his relapse until he was brought into the hospital.

together scorpius, draco, albus, lily and rose all do everything they can to get scorpius off of the alcohol. he does relapse a couple times, but there weren’t any more serious situations.

albus and scorpius get engaged only a few years later, and that’s when scorpius quits drinking for good. and then they all live happily ever after <3

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lolaze · 2 years

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Pick me girls and our internalized misogyny: Man are still the center of our word

Disclaimer!!! This is just my opinion and if I said something wrong on not true, feel free to correct me just please not be hateful, and English is also not my first language, and this is a way for me to work on it as well, so sorry if it's bad; after saying this, I hope that someone will maybe actually enjoy my essay, bye <3

If you identify as a female you know what it’s like to receive sexist comments from the opposite gender, but it is so important to be careful and not do the same things to our own.

From the start, most AFAB have so many stereotypes begin pushed towards them from a very young age, maybe it’s a cleaning set being gifted to us for a birthday, or example, having a wardrobe full of skirts and pink colours, or begin told that we are too weak to help the teacher when moving the chairs around.

We feel so left out and boring that, starting to hate everything that society defines as feminine and associates with it, from simple colour to the people as well, seems like the best way to be included and important.

It can starts from an innocent ‘I hate pink’ to a ‘she’s such a whore, I could never, because liking parties, short skirts and dresses, makeup, hooking up with people, and doing your nails it’s not cool and what females ‘can only’ do, while liking video games, cars, football, having one-night stands, and fun, if you’re a male, it’s cool, valid and what boys ‘also can do’.

What we are talking about is internalized misogyny, meaning quote on a quote from the internet:

‘Misogyny is the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. Women who experience internalized misogyny may express it through minimizing the value of women, mistrusting women, and believing gender bias in favor of men.’ Women who simply don’t like other women for the way they act and ‘decide’ to prefer men because it’s easier.

We can introduce this concept by mentioning Taylor Swift and her misogyny era, and how growing up in the spotlight didn’t help it at all. But before that, it’s important to mention that she matured and her beliefs changed, how she had and still has to endure extreme sexism towards her from basically everybody around her, and how this is a sort of protective mechanism that women feel the need to adopt(i talk about this better later on). I would then recommend watching her Netflix documentary ’Miss America‘ where she also talks about it.

You belong with me, one of her most recognized songs is a prime example, where we can find lyrics like:

But she wears short skirts

I wear t-shirts

She’s cheer captain

And I’m on the bleachers’

Or in ‘Better than revenge’ another one of her most famous singles, also with lyrics like:

She’s not a saint she’s not what you think she’s an actress’ or

She’s better know for the things that she does on the mattress’;

So here we can see how women view and act towards other women, mostly as competition, enemies, or someone disgusting, and instead of helping each other, we point our finger toward the mirror, while the patriarchy, society, and man with this mentality and beliefs are viewed as our knight in the armor or someone precious that needs to be protected.

But why do we act like this?

Regarding the whole Taylor Swift situation, and wanting to preserve a man, it’s because we feel threatened and so shaming other women for having certain behaviors, that we know society won’t tolerate from women, is a way to eliminate them. But we have to remember that if a man were to act in the same way no one would bat an eye because it’s unacceptable and unforgivable only if it comes from a woman. For example, if a female was to respond to some rude comments about her, we(society), would call her moody and with too much of an attitude, while if a man was to do the same thing, it would just be self-defense and it would even be admired. This is what we can call double standards.

To understand this narrative better we can start by mentioning that, it is in human nature to want to feel special, and in a world where males are the center of it, it is just right to want to be special and unique for them, and since we only know that females/femininity = normal and boring, wanting to be different it’s second nature for us, so studying, doing sports, and eating junk food while remaining skinny, having natural clear skin and effortlessly beauty it’s what we have to do so that man will love us.

Because yes! We, women, cannot be intelligent, athletic, and cool if we still are just like every other female, because it is just not in our nature, and if we want to embrace womanhood and everything that comes with it, we have to accept that we will not always be viewed well and we can also be infantilised by men, so that they can establish dominance and continue to work with their gender roles fantasies, (but this is another topic that I would also love to talk about).We need to be different so that we can be likable. And even that doesn’t always work, because if we try to reject femininity, we will be viewed as feminist and crazy, and men do not like this. So, who are we really going against? Society or ourselves? And it is even working?

An example that portrays perfectly this situation is in most films for families, especially the ones from the early 2000s, where the protagonist is an ‘I like cars, hanging out with my brother instead of other girls, pants instead of skirts and burger lover’ type of girl; while the antagonist is more like a ‘blond chick who likes makeup, boys, pink and slutty dresses because she only dresses to impress’ type of girl. Mean girls; She’s all that; a Cinderella story; Twilight, Tall girl; Sierra Burgess is a loser; She’s the man; The kissing booth and 10 things I hate about you, are only a few of them. Maybe not all of this film centers around the ‘I’m not like the other girls’ trope, but for sure it is here and we don’t realize or see anything wrong with it since it’s been projected into our brains forever and now it feels like the norm.

Another place where this trope is so, so popular, is in fan fiction where Y/N only wears messy buns and baggy clothes, is short, reads and studies, while the bad girl, in the story, is always overdressed and a ‘pick me’ for the male love interest. The most precise and popular example is in the horrendous book ‘After’ by Anna Todd, which was originally a fan fiction of Y/N and Harry Styles, where Tessa, the protagonist, hates and insults all the other girls because they are (allegedly) ‘not like her’ and they are sluts, while Hardin, the male protagonist, and love interest, can and does the same things, if not worst, I really can’t bother to read it thoroughly, but is always excused because he is a man. Another example in books is in the saga ‘Harry Potter’ by J.K Rowling where, Hermione and Ginny, shame other girls for not liking books, sports, or simply begin ‘girly’ but we don’t mention it because they are just ‘girl boss’

But the whole shaming of other women for having certain behaviors so that we can be accepted actually comes from a long history. We can talk about how white women used to shame women of color to gain protection and attention from white men. Starting by calling black and brown women angry for just standing up for themselves or stating their opinion, to sayings that south East Asian women, Chinese women more specifically, in this case, are just sexual dolls for white men, thus the term ‘China Doll’, or same thing for natives women, with the generalization of calling them all Princess Pocahontas. Over-sexualizing Latinas women, calling Arabs dangerous and the list goes on and on, but no matter what WOC will always be viewed as the sexual prices and the attackers.

There is so much more to talk about this, introducing the racism topic as well, but I feel like it needs a whole other essay because we have to discuss so many things. And I need to mention that my inspiration for this paragraph comes from a fantastic book, ‘White Tears/Brown Scars’ by Ruby Hamad, I would 100% recommend it because you really start to view feminism differently and you can expand your knowledge and opinions.

Taking a few steps back, we can then conclude, especially thanks to the internet where the ‘masculine’ female character always manages to overcome her problems and is independent, listened to, and loved, that if we are like the stereotype of the feminine and docile woman we cannot be strong, witty and so on, and man will just not view us as their equal and worth it of their time, simply because we are not like them; because if society means men, then men are ‘it’ and women are unrelated.

We can also easily find so many examples of ‘not being like other girls’ on social media. It’s always been a thing, starting from the Tumblr post on Instagram with collages showing the image of a girl in a messy ponytail, no makeup, shorts, and a sports bra, playing video games, while the other girl is in a glittery dress, high heels and full makeup dancing at the prom, highlighting the different lifestyle between the two and, unconsciously making you think that one is better than the other. Or maybe on Pinterest, with images of obviously skinny white girls, in a quirky pose while still being extremely attractive even if they weren’t ‘posing’ for the cameras. And then on TikTok, where people say to be outcasts and different because they like ‘skins’, low-rise jeans, skateboarding, and the neighborhood. Or maybe we can find the myth of ‘pick me girls’, who shame other girls, in front of boys for being too ‘girly’, so that they can receive male approval.

Now, who should we blame for all of this? For starters women are not even an option, what we are doing is protecting ourselves from the sexist world that we live in; that doesn’t change the fact that insulting and degrading other women to up ourselves is disgusting. We are in the wrong but not at the fault. Who we should blame, get angry at and try to change is our patriarchal society that continues to push dangerous and uncomfortable stereotypes toward women, in fact, the narrative of men holding all the power and control, while women are just there, it’s still one of the biggest problems in our society. What we can do to try and help the people that are unfortunately victims of this mentality is to try and educate them about sexism and how women already have it unfair. We need to empower each other better than battling because we are just feeding on what society already has been working on and pushing towards us and it needs to put an end to it. By saying this I don’t want to invalidate anybody's feelings, and it’s understandable if you don’t want to try and educate someone that has been shaming you, you being angry at them it’s understandable and should not be doubted. By saying this I can say that I concluded my essay, and I hope it was interesting, these were my main sources: https://youtu.be/l-VWQlkzHr4 https://youtu.be/m1BWs8hp2hQ https://youtu.be/H7B3VyXBNlU

#Youtube #activism #feminist #feminism #patriarchy #male privilege #mysogyny #internalized misogyny #my writing #my essays #opinion #personal essay #skz #tumblr writers

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lonelier-version-of-you · 2 years

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What do you think the significance is between Henrik's mother drowning herself in a lake, and John eventually doing the same?

Okay, it's taken me 2 days, but I'm finally answering this.

I think John had been fixated on the idea of dying by drowning for years, and I think that was because of Henrik. He'd been suicidal before, no doubt, but it was after pulling Henrik from the lake and finding out about Elisabet that he decided he wanted to die by drowning specifically.

John is someone obsessed with his own self-image. Fandom tends to boil this down to an idea of him thinking highly of himself, but I think it's a lot deeper and more complex than that. First of all, John does not hold anywhere near as strong a belief in his own superiority as many would think. He has essentially the same unstable self-perception as Henrik: he'll think himself a genius who's better and smarter than everyone one moment, and view himself as completely worthless the next. For some reason, a lot of people simplify both their characterisation into "John is arrogant and thinks he's a god, Henrik is self-hating and thinks he's unloveable", but that's just... not accurate at all. (Mr. Clarke the psychiatrist didn't call Henrik a narcissist for nothing!) I think this isn't helped by the fact that John is suffering increasingly from grandiose delusions throughout his storyline, something which I suppose it's easy for people, especially those without much experience with mental illness, to misread as him just being egotistical.

I've had a lot of conversations with Lucia (@prydon) about this, because it's an aspect of John's character we both find fascinating. John sees himself as less worthy because of his background. Sees himself as broken (in the same way Henrik sees himself). He feels he has to meet a ridiculously high standard of 'greatness' in order to deserve basic human respect like other people. In fact, I'd argue the path he went down makes much more sense if you read it as, at least in part, John going to more and more desperate lengths in an attempt to 'prove' himself and feel like he was worthy.

This does circle back to John's chosen suicide method, I promise. Part of that whole spiel was just me trying to introduce the fact that Lucia is responsible for, like, half my views on this subject!

So, John has a lot of terrible coping mechanisms for his poor self-image, and one of them is him developing a viewpoint of seeing certain things as "tragically beautiful". (I think things like his canon love of poetry can easily fit into this.) He can't romanticise his own past - much as he wishes he could (I've read fic that has him being jealous of Henrik's trauma because he thinks it's "prettier", which, as awful as it is, is utterly in character) - but he can try to romanticise his present. (See: what I said to you a few days ago about John trying to romanticise himself for being "insane".)

But that only goes so far.

It's basically canon that John romanticises just about anything to do with Henrik. His dialogue in Report To The Mirror part 2 as good as confirms it, sounding, basically, like John wondering how Henrik is able to carry his trauma with him in a "prettier" way (in John's mind) than John himself does:

"I know how you suffer. Every day, like the rest of us, you report to the mirror. But when you come into work, you come into a place where so much tragedy has befallen you. And yet you’re still able to carry on. For this vision. So that we can do this together. If we don’t have this, then… how do you do it, Henrik?"

So because John sees anything to do with Henrik as "beautiful", even the ugliest, most painful parts - like his mother drowning herself and him going on to try to do the same (see, we're getting there.....), it's no wonder he ends up romanticising the idea of dying by drowning. In particular, the idea of drowning with Henrik. Let's face it: you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't, on some level, find the idea of dying alongside the love of their life to be romantic (or at least I assume you'd be hard-pressed? Maybe I'm just fucked up).

I don't think this desire was at all one-sided. I think John just felt it more intensely (story of his life right there, poor lad). But - look. There is no way those two didn't have a 30+ year long suicide pact.

You know how normal friends sometimes promise each other: "Hey, if we haven't found our soulmates by 50/60/70, we'll get married to each other"?

John and Henrik's equivalent was definitely "if things don't work out in our lives, we'll drown ourselves together". I don't know if they ever said it to each other and I don't know how seriously they said it, but on some level, even if just through their weird borderline-telepathic Understanding, they knew it was a possibility.

But they just kept putting it off. The years went by, they went their separate ways, floated in and out of contact. Henrik probably hardly ever thought of the idea by the time John turned up at Holby, although I think John was still obsessed with it and fully believed that drowning with Henrik was how he would die eventually.

I also think John and Henrik having made an agreement to drown themselves together if it came to that, in the past, would go some way to explaining why Henrik knew exactly where to find John when he disappeared in Report To The Mirror, and why John had equally been expecting Henrik to come. Still doesn't explain why Henrik knew it would be that specific lake, unless it's the only one in Holby lol, but it does add another layer to those scenes.

Lucia once said that John's mindset regarding the idea of drowning himself and especially of drowning with Henrik was him thinking "my entire life has been so ugly, I want at least my death to be something beautiful". And I mean... yeah. Yeah, that's the whole thing summed up. :(

(...I've just spent over an hour typing up this answer. I do apologise if it's not coherent.)

#Holby City #John Gaskell #Johnrik #my meta #long post #asks #backjustforberena #tw;suicide #tw;abuse mention #tw;child abuse mention #tw;trafficking mention #mentioned very vaguely but tagging anyway because better safe than sorry

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