#i have so much self hatred and every time i eat it gets worse

[vasito-de-leche]

Hiii! I hope you’re doing well!! I’m just wondering if i could request some yandere Forget Me Not headcannons? If not, some general romantic hcs would be fine!

That said, don’t overwork yourself and feel free to decline this if you feel like it!

;R1999 FORGET ME NOT - Yandere Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons about Forget Me Not as a Yandere.

I am doing well, ty for asking! and ty for the yandere request, I love writing this type of stuff <3

warning for yandere content and everything it entails. as well as self-harm and suicide themes

Forget Me Not as a Yandere would be pretty standard, I think─at least from the beginning.

I want to say that his lack of experience and proper, healthy examples when it comes to relationships and interpersonal skills is the basis of his Yandere profile: he's hindered by even more twisted impulses and intrusive thoughts, and thus would cling even HARDER to his self-imposed restraints because the stakes are higher now. The consequences would be even more severe should he lose control.

From an outsider's point of view, perhaps he appears to be meaner than usual, there's more bite behind his words as opposed to his elegant way of serving backhanded compliments. While those who spend more time with him would notice that he's unbelievably tense and high-strung. Essentially, it's the same fight between indulgence and restraint that I've been portraying in previous FMN posts, only ramped up to 200%.

The thing about Forget Me Not as a Yandere is that he would be extremely malleable and reactive to his darling. He's so very easy to influence, for better and for worse─the attention he pays to every single detail about you, your habits, your gestures and every little "tell", borders on predatory. It's very ironic, the way he can't understand his own feelings nor thoughts but he actually can read you crystal clear, that he may know you better than you know yourself. The dynamic of your relationship would be determined in your first interactions with him, and it AAAAAALL depends on you. But it's not as binary as who gets to be the "dominant" party and who gets to be the "submissive" party!

When I say Forget Me Not is malleable, I mean it.

In the context of entering a relationship with him, yes, there is the chance that, if you show any signs of "submission" (a more timid and meek personality) Forget Me Not will take advantage of it to the fullest─either through force, coercion or manipulation. We all know he's not below playing dirty and acting to get what he wants, after all. And there is also the chance that, if you show the opposite (a more stubborn and combative personality, to go against him whenever possible) that he will meet you with as much vitriol as you show him, or that he will become even more obsessed with making you submit to him, to blur both love and hatred together as mentioned before. You know, all these classics traits in Yandere content!

But the secret third option is that, if you play your cards right, he will be at your absolute mercy as well.

You can play the exact same mind games he plays and have him eating out of the palm of your hand. After all, he's just looking for ANY excuse and justification to unravel and let loose─you taking the reigns is just as good as him taking the lead. At the end of the day, as long as he gets your undivided attention, the dynamic doesn't matter. We're talking about a guy who pretends to be a poised gentleman and a functional member of society. A cowardly snake who doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions and would absolutely prefer to double down on his awful behaviour and then die at the end than think of apologizing to a single person.

This guy? As a Yandere? Yeah, he will adapt to you, but he will also allow you to manipulate him if you have the courage to reach out and tug at his leash, to take advantage of his obsession. I would even go as far to say that THIS outcome would be the best one for him, as it means that he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own life: that burden is now on you, you own him now. Good luck!

For this post, I'll talk about this secret third option since it's the most interesting in my opinion!

I'm not sure how to format my headcanons and thoughts properly, so I'll do something new and rate the general Yandere traits I think are relevant for him! Obsessiveness is one I specifically left out because it's the most basic requirement for Yandere characters, it feels unnecessary to discuss it. That shit must be cranked up to the highest setting or else there's no Yandere in the first place!

Possessive: ✦✦✦✧✧✧

In this context, he perceives his life to belong to you and only you─the nuance of the situation and whether it gets worse or a better for him are up to you, there's literally endless possibilities─and so it makes sense for him to be possessive, but not in the traditional sense that we're used to, so to say?

Because one of the important aspects of Forget Me Not as a character is the self-loathing. To me, this is one of the few core aspects that must remain in every AU or iteration for him to feel in-character. He's defined by revenge, self-loathing and a delusional mind. And it's this self-loathing that leads Forget Me Not into a very, very insecure mindset─because he's fully aware that YOU could aim for a better lifestyle, a better partner, someone who wants what's best for you instead of wanting to drag you down, deeper and deeper into the mess that is his life. Of course, this is something he won't allow now that you've so gracefully let him latch onto your side like a parasite, but it's a possibility that will continue to haunt him forever.

And so, he's possessive of your ownership and control over him, what he perceives to be the bond that ties you to him or viceversa. It's not quite "You're mine, and no one else's", it's more of a "I'm yours, and no one else's".

No matter what you do to him, he will remain by your side. The idea of you favouring someone else, or choosing to be with someone else and keep him by the sidelines, well, it will ruin him, of course! But Forget Me Not has been waiting for the other shoe to drop his whole life, and so NOTHING you can do can convince him to leave or do anything to "get back at you" in a direct way─aside from manipulating the world to leave you behind instead, perhaps. I like to think he'd still be a pretty pathetic, soggy and miserable guy. Desperate to prove to you that he's going to stay no MATTER what you do or say to him.

It's fine if you hate him, it's fine if you love him. But at the end of the day, you should at appreciate his loyalty and treasure him. Forget Me Not wants YOU to be the possessive one, to want him despite how awful he is, all while accepting the fact that you will never truly be his, because he doesn't deserve you.

Not to say that you keep the guy on a literal leash 24/7, of course! But to if you were to flirt with someone else in front of him, chances are Forget Me Not won't move a single finger. He would stay there, glaring daggers at the perpetrator, and then whine and guilt trip you into paying attention to him. But if someone were to flirt with him instead, he would be pretty ruthless in his rejection, proud and loudly declaring who he belongs to.

Perhaps it would be better to describe him as clingy instead? I think as indulgent as Forget Me Not can be when it comes to his vices, being by your side would be his utmost priority in this context. He won't follow you around like a lost puppy like other characters might do, but he would instead pull a few strings here and there behind the scenes to ensure you always happen to be within his line of sight.

Actually, now that I'm thinking, Forget Me Not as a Yandere would have EXTREME separation issues. This guy would ABSOLUTELY be the type to watch you sleep, because he just can't fathom the idea of being, what, 8 hours away from you? All of this being tied to his anxieties and codependency. I don't see him being very vocal about his love for you, or if he is then the sort of shit he spouts could easily be misinterpreted as thinly veiled threats, or just self-affirmations for himself.

Delusional: ✦✦✦✦✦✦

I'm giving him full points in this section because aside from the aforementioned anxieties, paranoia and self-loathing that gets him to be so, so very miserable, Forget Me Not is pretty much Delusional with a capital D.

Regardless of the path that led you to him and this situation, Forget Me Not would cling onto the fact that you currently own his heart, his mind and his entire life─this OBVIOUSLY means, in his book at least, that you care or love him just enough to take on such a burden. It's pretty much everything I discussed up until now mixed into one big cocktail of delusion and desperation. There's no takebacksies now!

Regardless of your treatment of him, Forget Me Not wholeheartedly believes that you love him to some degree, and that is more than enough for him to fuel his delusions, to overthink every action and every gesture as an act of love. He can still read you like an open book, he knows whenever you're nervous, whenever you're scared, whenever you get angry at him─how else can one explain such reactions, if love isn't at the center of it all? If you didn't love him, you would treat him with indifference, you would discard him like a broken toy!

Of course, if you WERE to treat him with indifference or attempt to discard him and get him out of your life, he would just find more and more ways to come back, to twist your words and their meaning to something that fits his narrative, to worm his way into your life the same way you've done, worming into his own heart. There's no point in trying to make sense of his logic, there is none, it's just the nonsensical, lovestruck fantasy he's built for himself.

Whether you kick him in the mouth or hold him close to you, the only truth Forget Me Not will stand for is your love for him.

But I think it would be fun if this is something he only made known to you? To the outside world, he makes them believe what they want to believe, make whatever assumption about your relationship with him─the muddier the truth becomes for the rest, the easier it is for him to trap and isolate you. Forget Me Not has a talent for acting, to play every unassuming role required for whatever schemes he's got under his sleeve, he might be a pathetic, desperate excuse of a man, kneeling and clinging onto you, but he still retains his cunning mind when it matters. And when you're not around to cloud his vision, he's dangerous.

No matter what others might think, Forget Me Not would find a way to profit─it doesn't matter if your best friend has an inkling about the true nature of your relationship, he will capitalize on it to ensure they remain far, far away from helping you escape. If your coworkers or classmates or what have you believe you two are an odd couple? Then that's what you two are! It's not like they know any better!

Forget Me Not knows more than anyone that there is no fighting the perception of others. There is a group of humans who simply decided he was the Devil himself, based entirely on his heritage rather than his actions. So he plays his part and lets their own biases do their thing, easy.

In that same vein, if you've indulged or pampered him a lot, then he would be more ready to believe anything you say. Sure, Forget Me Not knows that you may lie to him, you might've done that already many times before, but how can he say no when you've been so sweet to him lately?

Manipulative: ✦✦✦✦✦✦

You know what. Self-explanatory, I don't even have to ramble about this because I've talked about how manipulative Forget Me Not is in pretty much all of his posts. He rarely chooses direct confrontations,

I'm inclined to believe that he would only do so in extreme situations, and even so, he would only dirty his hands and confront whatever obstacles in his path─but confronting you? He's too much of a coward, he would never dream of confronting you without ensuring that you will deliver the answer and reaction he seeks, out of fear of hearing the truth from your own lips. I insist, he's not afraid of digging himself into his own grave with his schemes and manipulations if it means maintaining this whole status quo.

So, instead let me talk about how you can manipulate him instead, to level the field a little!

Physical touch in any way is the easiest way to force Forget Me Not to listen. From pulling on his hair to caressing his cheek─I don't think he will ever get used to having you touch him. Again, he thrives with whatever you throw at him, so it's up to you to choose.

I think lying to him and getting away with it is very difficult. In fact, if you think you've successfully lied to him, it's probably because he decided to let you believe he's none the wiser. so instead you would have to appeal to his emotional side. It's as easy as bringing up the whole ownership/possessive aspect, any reminder that he's all yours is enough to get Forget Me Not to comply after some minimum reluctance and pushback from him. It doesn't matter if you're guilt tripping him or threatening him, he thinks it's so romantic that you would go out of your way to reassure him of his position.

Sadism ✦✦✧✧✧✧ / Masochism ✦✦✦✦✧✧

Lately, I've been seeing Yandere content being slowly portrayed as a watered down version of what it used to be, like, to call a character who is just possessive a Yandere and that's it.

But I'm a fan of dark content, and to theorize about everything that comes with these themes─this includes physical harm, something that people are more sensitive towards, which is fair and I understand if this isn't everyone's cup of tea!

So far, most of the violence towards the reader has been emotional and psychological, with physical violence being directed instead to third parties. Here, there will be discussions of potential physical violence towards the reader and Forget Me Not.

That's why this section is at the bottom, so that you can opt out of it!

Something I forgot to bring up directly is the themes of idealization and religious parallels when it comes to the way Forget Me Not interprets his relationship with you.

Despite all these things, he still considers you way above him, a holy figure deserving of everything he can offer─so I don't think he would be physically abusive nor be threatening in this way either. He finds zero pleasure in the idea of physically harming you, and would very much prefer to chip away at your mental stability and vulnerability by hurting himself. Hell, he would prefer to have YOU hurt him instead, to have physical proof of your influence on his body. It aligns perfectly with his self-loathing. If you could scrape off all of his scales with your nails and replace when with the scars you leave him, he would be so, so very grateful.

Or to have you pluck his scales off one by one as punishment, he would absolutely love that. I think that, in those days in which he cannot tolerate nor deal with himself, when he cannot drown his sorrows in alcohol, he would become an active nuisance for the very small and off chance that you lash out at him. It's very cathartic to him.

This post focuses on a very specific outcome of the whole Yandere situation with Forget Me Not, but even so, I believe that every other version in every other situation would still have Forget Me Not being more of a masochist than a sadist. At least when talking about his darling. Given the type of person that he is and all, he would still prefer more mental games.

#reverse 1999 #reverse 1999 x reader #reverse 1999 forget me not #forget me not #yandere #this feels a little like yandere x yandere #but thats partially bc FMN is a fucking freak #phew i think i got the whole dark content for FMN stuff out of my system now

[azurlily]

Day 2 of 31 of the yandere month May challenge. This yandere is sadistic and has sadistic tendencies so DARK FUCKING THEMES.

Kirari forces you to marry her and you have a mental breakdown.(this is considered only angst because while it does imply that she cares for you after the breakdown, it isnt specifically talked about.)

Yandere!Kirari Momobami ANGST

How, just how did this happen? You were supposed to live out your life like any other person. Like any other average Joe, but no. No, you didn't get those privileges.

Not with her around. Kirari and you were somewhat good friends. She'd taken an interest in you after you wont in a gamble against her, you thought she'd leave you alone after she had her fun.

Of course, you were wrong. Instead Kirari watched, she watched from the shadows and looked into you. She wanted to know everything about her future wife/partner. She needed to know everything about you.

When she saw an opportunity to take you as her bride. She had seen your debt was rising, and you had become a house pet with no way to pay it back.

She took full advantage of this while she could, she played with you, and your feelings. Hot and cold, sweet and sour, soft and rough. Kirari wants to see all of you, not some facade, the real you.

While that may sound sweet, the main reason she wanted to see the real you was because she could manipulate you easier. It had been your last year of school and while Kirari and gotten you away from being a house pet every other year. This one was different.

I'd she helped you she couldn't make you a life plan. She couldn't make you hers. So she payed a few people to coerce you into a gamble and make you lose it all. You ran back to her and she told you that she wasn't going to save you this time.

You knew it was inevitable, but you didn't want to believe it. You tried, you tried everything but no one was willing to gamble you, or help you. You were stuck, stuck in a limbo of self pity, and hatred. You knew a life plan was possible, but you hope Kirari wouldn't do that to you.

Kirari called you into her office around the last month of school. She wanted to set the record straight. She could see you were pulling away from her, she was no idiot. She hated it though, hated that you didn't come and randomly visit her just so you could eat lunch together. Hated that you didn't beg her to go out with you to a park and just have a relaxing day.

She hated it all, she hated that you didn't rely on her anymore. She had(and does have) every intention to force you to fulfill her needs. Not necessarily sexual ones, but the ones that made her feel less lonely. She is human, no matter how much she wishes to deny it. She does need an anchor to tether her, and you, oh you, you're the perfect anchor.

Kirari had decided the blunt option was best, she had every intention to "make it up to you" later. That could wait though.

"Oh good, you're here. Oh, you're looking worse for wear. Are you okay, darling?"

She knew the answer, but seeing you helpless for her made things so much more fun. She loves the idea of seeing you cry.(in every way.)

She smiles as you look away, you know she knows. You just don't know she's the cause for it all. That's what that day was all about. She had everything planned out, an entire schedule ready. Kirari hoped you would take this well; emotions can be so messy.

"So, let's talk. I know about your debt, and I know you're unhappy I haven't paid it off...but I do have a reason for this. I want you to be my bride, and I'm not taking no as an answer. You may speak now."

That was it, that's all she needed to say. I mean, there is more to that story, but she'd prefer to tell you all that when you more prepared.

You stared at her for a moment, maybe two, or maybe even three. You wanted to hear the words "joke", you hoped she'd start laughing, but no. Instead you got her usual indifferent look.

You wanted to cry, I mean, that's fair. Right? You'd been through hell, the system here hurts people who have a debt, and you couldn't even pay it back. You were stuck, and she thought the best way to make you love her was...this?

Your first reaction is to cry, or maybe not. Maybe you try to hold in your tears, you try to not think about all the horrible things written on your desk, all the horrible things students have done to you. Guys in the school have forced you naked only to laugh at your body, girls were no different. They'd eight horrible things about you and spread rumors.

It was hell, your own personal hell. You broke down, you were crying and when Kirari tried to put her hand out. You slapped it. She didn't doesn't deserve to touch you. Instead she stood there, and watched, she knew what the students had done, it was a part of her plan after all.

Break you down, bit by bit. Make things easier for her. She would and has given the students hell for their misdeeds, and she intends to make things up to you. When your ready that it.

"I see you have no intention of calming down. While usually I'd leave you alone I'll be sitting at my desk until your breathing returns to normal. Apparently people tend to do...things in situations like these and I cant have that."

Essentially she's saying if you tried to off yourself, or hurt yourself. She'd be there to stop you. She knows she's the villain in your story, and your her so called victim. She loves it though, loves seeing you cry.

After about thirty minutes you had stopped crying. Now all you wanted to do was take a long, long, long nap. You started to doze off when you felt a cold hand on your face.

"Ah, look whose calmed down. Now, now, don't start those tears again. Oh, and you're crying...hm."

She moves down and gently kisses your lips. It was short and sweet, it would have been sweeter if not for the hand digging into your chin. She wanted you to know there is no escape.

She smiles, it looked gentle and somewhat kind, but you were no idiot. Maybe you were, just a bit. Although you could see right through her now. She let's go of your chin and you fall back.

"Maybe it is best to leave you in here. I'll be back with things to calm you down. For now though."

She walked to where the light switch was, turned it off. Leaving you in inky darkness, she closed and locked the door. She wanted to see how long you'd last before you came crying back to her. In need of comfort.

"I'll see you soon."

#wlw #lesbian #kakegurui #angst #kirari x reader #kirari momobami #kirari momobami x reader #yandere kirari momobami #yandere month challenge

[wrathofrats]

Angst promt 15 with Dew being mean to Phantom/Aeon in the beginning :)) either pure angst or hurt/comfort you choose -🌧️

Part 10293839 of dew doesn’t know how to cope with his trauma.

Warnings for: dew being overly cruel, like he’s really mean to phantom to justify his own trauma. Aether is said to be dead here, Detailed descriptions of dealing with grief, morally wrong thoughts, it’s angst.

No I don’t think dew is bad, this is all based in real grief. He’s not right but he’s not a bad ghoul. I want to make that clear. Dew tries to make it right in the end, this is a lot of him working through his own feelings. I didn’t leave it sad forever.

-

Sometimes dew feels like the perfect tragedy.

A fairy tale of love and loss that you tell your kids at night to not make them greedy. To teach them to enjoy what they have, to stop complaining.

A fucked up fable of a being forced into a shell that’s not his by a lover he no longer has and truly his own skin feels like his mates mausoleum.

His self hatred falls upon phantom most of the time. A better target than his own flesh and bones in his head. It’s a silent agreement between the ghouls to never mention it, to make sure phantom and dew don’t stay alone together too long but the only verbal concerns come from late night whispers in low lit rooms of the house.

Dew feels unjustified in his hatred, knows it in fact. Can’t rip away the feeling of phantoms existence being wrong. It punches him in the chest everytime he sees him, when he sees his guitar, when he sees him practice his magic. It’s wrong and gross and dew feels disgusted with him, like a cheap puppet of someone he loves.

He wonders if he could make phantom into a bad dog. If he will lash out when scared. Something tangible to justify his hatred. A bite wound to justify his fear. It’s part of the reason he’s so cold to him. His own civil war of wanting to leave the kid alone, knowing he’s done nothing wrong, and wanting to hurt him so phantom can hurt him back. He wants tangible evidence of phantom being cruel to him back so much he could almost taste it. He’s sick, he’s disgusted with himself but dews never been anything but stubborn. A malicious brain worm that will only feed on seeing his own manipulated proof that the kid can be fucking cruel too.

Dew gets worse with his gross brain parasite. Dropping his obsession with aether to instead obsess over being correct and justified in his feelings. Hes lost this much, he can’t stand being wrong on top of it. He has to bite his tongue every time he sees phantom to not immediately try and cause an issue. The common smiling face makes him want to smack it off of him, the sound of Swiss giggling at phantom antics makes him want to scream in rage that he’s not all that special, aether didn’t deserve what happened to get that thing to replace him

The ghouls notice a clear change in him that never leaves. Dew turning from an inconsolable grieving mess into a vengeful creature who they barely can even talk to anymore. All of his words ooze venom, the looks he gives anyone who even go near phantom have them cringing in their own discomfort.

Phantom gets the worst of strange feelings. Summoned into a pack of those receiving the news of the loss of their friend. He feels immediately outcast, though they’ve all worked to remedy the feelings, it still eats at him more than they’ve told him it should. It probably lingers from dews stares but he can’t help but feel as if he was born with the original sin he can scrub his skin of. Maybe if dew accepted him he wouldn’t feel sick everytime he was in a group setting, or maybe it’s truly always going to be like this, phantom doesn’t know.

It’s not his fault he’s curious, the hint of his name having him tune into different conversations using his quintessence to help. He should’ve known better than to use it on dew though.

Mountain approaches dew first about the problem. Phantom watches him finally chase after him to his room after dew came down to grab water, immediately retreating upon seeing phantom sitting on the couch.

Dew what on earth is your problem?

Mountain speaks quietly, barely enough to hear even with his magic

Are we really doing this? You know my fucking problem mountain!

Dew is a bit louder, doesn’t care if anyone hears, it’s a painful thought.

You’re acting like a child. I know what you’re going through but-

You have no idea what I’m going through

He sounds on the verge of tears

You have to learn to accept it. You can’t keep doing this, you’re tearing the pack apart with your shitty attitude

Fuck you, he’s the one tearing us apart, I didn’t do anything

It’s one thing to assume what’s wrong, but for phantom to hear it? The words hurt physically, but he’s unable to stop himself from ignoring the conversation.

Phantom didn’t do anything and you know that

He’s the reason aethers dead. Aethers gone and we got a shitty fucking child to replace him and you expect me to be ok with that?

I’m done. Fix your attitude. Get help. You know you’re wrong.

The tears flow down phantoms face. Bile burns at his throat and he can’t help but look around for someone, anything to comfort him. Maybe he is some shitty child.

Mountain rests his hands on phantoms shoulder to warn him of his presence before sliding next to him and pulling him into his arms.

“Did you hear any of that?” Mountain asks, worried but knowing the answer.

Phantom nods his head

“He’s wrong. Dew will get over himself, don’t listen to him. He’s going through a lot but you’ve done nothing wrong bug”

Phantom tries not to directly sob into mountains shirt, hiccuping and biting his cheek

“If he didn’t mean it, why would he say something like that?” His voice cracks through his tears

“Grief makes people do stupid things. He’s looking for someone to blame so he can take it off of himself. I promise it wasn’t your fault though”

They hold each other, mountain squeezing phantom tight enough to release some of his own feelings.

Dew is a direct contrast to the warm embrace happening downstairs. Sitting alone in his room, barely a thought besides his own internal rage and these days it’s all he really does. Sit and stew in his own self pity, praying that maybe if he hopes hard enough everything will go back to normal, though he knows it won’t. A vicious never ending cycle.

His bed is cold, has been for months. He yearns for someone to save him though is utterly convinced he must deserve this. It must be some kind of punishment for something he’s done. It’s fitting for a monster of his kind, to want something so much but to know you’ll never deserve it.

Phantom was gifted with a different kind of quintessence than aether and omega were, less medical and more thoughtful. He was naturally empathetic, to a fault at times. His magic made him feel things others felt deeply, able to control their emotions with just his finger tips.

He decides to confront dew, a peace offering, an apology, he doesn’t know but he can’t stand the situation. He can’t stand having someone he should care about be practically fading away because of his own hurt he’s never been shown how to deal with properly.

“Can we talk?” Phantom knocks on the cracked door, opening it far enough to see dew sitting on his bed, still staring at the wall.

“Nothing to talk about” dew says nonchalantly

“I’m sorry if I did anything to you” phantom starts

“You’re fine”

“I’m sorry that I annoy you”

“It’s ok” dews tone gets more annoyed everytime he speaks

“I’m sorry about what happened”

“What?” Dew finally turns his head to look at him

“You didn’t deserve that. And I’m sorry no one’s ever tried to help you” phantom practically whispers

“They did try”

“They stopped. You’re still hurting and they stopped. They gave up. And I’m sorry”

“Why do you care? I’ve always been mean to you” dew looks like he may cry himself

“I can’t blame you, it’s not fair what you’ve been through. You’re allowed to grieve in your own way since no one ever showed you how” phantom steps into the room. It smells odd, like dew hasn’t showered in a couple days. Old plates of food and bottles of water stack his bedside table, the other looking pristine and untouched with a book sitting on it. Phantom looks at the book for a couple seconds too long before dew speaks again

“It was his. It’s the last thing he read.” Dew almost smiles, “his nightstand still smells like him”

Phantom doesn’t speak, just nodding along. He doesn’t know what to say, but dew takes the silence as a chance to keep going.

“Sometimes I can smell him on you. Quintessence has a scent to it, it’s smoky and sharp, Swiss gets it too when he’s been using magic.” He chuckles “I know he’s been training you. I wish aether could’ve”

“Really?”

“He would’ve loved you bug”

#oof #one day I need to make a post about what happened to aether #but have this for now #I hurt my own feelings as usual #cw angst #the band ghost #ghost #nameless ghouls #ghost bc #fanfic #wrath writes #dewdrop ghoul #phantom ghoul #angst

[marauders-peace]

Burning moon 2.

Summary: Over the holidays the reader tries to ignore Remus and their feelings but in the end it only gets worse. Of course his friends would catch on to something...

Warnings : self hatred, self doubt, anger directed at the reader, over thinking, bad communication and of course much Angst :o

Author's note : I love you guys soo much <333. I'm soo happy you like the story (sry for so much Angst :')) I hope you will continue reading it because now I am attached to this train wreck </3

Masterlist Part 1 Part 2 part 4 part 5 part 6

Was I the asshole for ignoring my best friend which I liked for years?

OF COURSE I WAS.

But I hated this. I hated that he wrote me every day. That he tried soo hard to get our friendship going. And maybe I should have been grateful for that. Many people who got rejected by their crush will just be left alone by them.

But not remus. Ohhh noo never Remus. He cared for the people around him and made always sure that they were okay.

But I didn't want that. I wanted him to ignore me. I wanted him to be mean to me. I wanted ANY reason to hate him so I could feel better about myself. So I could stop loving him.

It was the last day before school started and I was scared. Yes I ran away from my problems in hope they would solve themselves. But Remus seemed to make it his mission to remind me everyday how powerless I am about my feelings.

He wrote me a letter today and I was almost opening it but as I realized what i was doing i threw it in the trash. But then i saw a second letter. From James.

What?

James never wrote me. He always said that it wasn't worth it if he doesn't see the one he is writing to.

But he did write me a letter this time. I was getting more and more nervous as I started to open it.

Dear (y/n),

How were your holidays? I hope you had a great time! I was hoping we could meet today. Sirius and I were nearby and we hoped you could come see us at (your favorite coffee shop) and get something to eat. We wanted to meet at 2pm. Do you have time? If not it's alright we just want to talk.

Hope you can make it .

Love James.

Oh no. This was about Remus, wasn't it? To say i was scared would be an understatement.

But maybe it would be fine. Yeah it would be! Why wouldn't it? I was fine, they were fine, Remus was fine. Everything was alright.

Who am I trying to convince here?

I am not going to lie i was at the verge of tears. I hated confrontation and it seemed like James was just about to do that. Confront me.

I explained to Lily and Mary what was up with me and of course they said I should talk with Remus. They talked like they didn't have a fear of rejection. Like they didn't fear the pain that followed when your feelings weren't reciprocated.

But they were trying to help me. And I was grateful for that. Lily would say, that i should go and see what they want. That i shouldn't over think it and just have coffee with friends.

So you guessed it. I was going.

Was I thinking that this was an absolute idiotic idea? Yes. Was i scared of what was coming? Absolutely! But was I thirsty for coffee? Ohhh yeees.

When i arrived I saw James and Sirius sitting at a table near the windows. Sirius frowned and said something to James which lead him to shake his head. When I stepped closer they didn't seem to notice me.

"Sirius, I am just as worried as you are, bit we can't do- heey (y/n)!"

I just smiled and waved back. I sat down on the opposite of the table and looked at them.

James smiled back at me.

"So you got my letter."

Sirius scoffed at that.

"So you do open and read letters! Wasn't expecting that from you after this summer." he said and got straight to the point. He looked furious.

Of course it was about Remus.

James cursed and glared at Sirius.

"What was about patience? You can't just say that like that, we don't know what's going on!" James reasoned with him but Sirius wasn't looking any bit less angry.

"Prongs, I can't hear about moony waiting for her response anymore!" he then looked at me again and raised an eyebrow.

I immediately got up.

"Of course this was about Remus,"I spatted at them" And here I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me. "

Maybe that was unfair to them, but I wanted to escape from that place immediately.

Sirius then sighed.

"Yes it is about him but also about you. We were worried about you! You didn't answer any letter and we thought something happened to you."

"We want to know your perspective! Why didn't you answer?" James added and looked at me with a look that begged me to stay.

Still standing I looked away.

"I was just busy."

"Yeah right that's why you are here right now! Because you are 'busy'." Sirius mocked, but then quickly was serious again (pun not intended).

"Why are you so cold to him? He is really trying to figure out what he did and he is trying to make it better for you! But you are just looking away at every form of Kindness he is sending your way!"

I opened my mouth to defend myself but Sirius wasn't finished. He seemed to get emotional, like this was bothering him for a long time.

"You haven't seen him the last days! He hasn't slept in weeks and is constantly feeling guilty. I really tried to make him feel better but it's hopeless. He needs you! He's so hopelessly in love with you-"

"SIRIUS!" James interrupted him and looked at him angry. Sirius just seemed to realize what he just said and shut his mouth.

Remus? In love with me?

"Remus isn't in love with me."

Sirius scoffed at that again and now narrowed his eyes. There was a long tense silence before he spoke.

"You know what I think?"

"What?" I said more to myself.

"I think you are scared of his love. I think you are scared of a Werewolf loving you. I think you never really accepted him-"

"ENOUGH." I screamed at that. Now I really was furious. At first he is saying Remus would love me and now he was saying I wouldn't accept Remus as the human and werewolf he was. But that was a straight up lie.

"That's a new low, even for you Sirius. Trying to get my hopes up so I would talk to him again and now insinuating that I wouldn't love him because he is a werewolf."

Tears were building up.

"If you would just talk to him... He is really worried for you. He loves yo-" He began but that was to much.

"HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, STOP SAYING THAT!" I bursted out and now tears were flowing down my cheeks.

Sirius opened his mouth but James glared at him. Then he looked at me with a gentle look.

"What happened, (y/n)?" he whispered. His look was concerned and in this second they weren't just Remus friends. They were also my family that cared for me. I should have told them but I couldn't.

"Nothing." I said quietly and tried to wipe away my tears. But they didn't stop. Of course they kept on going.

Sirius looked at me apologetic.

"I'm sorry. I know you accept him as a werewolf, I'm just soo... Tired." he said and I wasn't angry at him. I knew that he didn't mean it. In his shoes I would be confused and done with me too.

"I should go." I said, so I would stop crying and making a fool out of myself in public. In the moment I tried to go away, James spoke up.

"Sunny?"

The old nickname lead me to stop,but I didn't look at him.

"Yeah?"

"It's okay to be weak."

I heard his smile. I ran away before the tears would flow again.

The next day I was really tired. I didn't sleep that night and cried my heart out the whole night. I was at the train station with my stuff and was ready to go. But then I saw him.

Remus.

His look burned through my body and soul and it felt like time stopped. He really looked like he hasn't slept in weeks, but that didn't bother me. He still looked beautiful. But as our eyes meet his beautiful face frowned.

And then I remembered all the letters I didn't open.

I looked away and waited for the train in hope he would rescue me. But in the corner of my eyes I could see Remus going this way. Panic started to rise inside of me and I realized how pathetic I was. I was scared of words. Simple words.

But when Remus spoke they were never just simple words. They were so much more.

"You've been avoiding me."

Not a question, so it didn't need an answer.

The train was coming and I was glad that I could disappear from this scene.

"You are angry at me. You hate me don't you?" his voice was soothing but the words he spoke were full of sorrow.

I didn't answer his question. I was scared to admit that I didn't.

He sighed softly and then spoke up again.

"Sunny, when will you talk to me again? Please, say something."

"I'm sure there are plenty of people who would wish to talk to you Remus."

"But I want you to talk to me. You and only you."

I looked at him but that was a mistake. In his eyes were tears and they made me weak and triggered myself to cry.

"Don't cry, Remus, please. That's not fair." I whispered.

Why did he cry, when he rejected me?

The train stopped in front of us, but both of us didn't have eyes for the train. In the corner of my eye I saw students from every year watching our scene go on.

"You should go on board of the train. You didn't want to miss it last time." he said and I knew, he knew.

My eyes were burning more and more but I couldn't look away from him.

Then he stepped closer to me. So close that I felt his warm breath on my skin. My breath hitched and my heart beat faster than ever before.

And then he kissed my forehead.

It was just a close moment but it felt like an eternity.

As he stepped away I felt the looks around us and I felt humiliated. It felt like he was playing with my feelings in front of an audience like it was a TV show.

So I ran away from the scene on board of the train. I got into our cabin and cried. Lily and Mary came later I don't know when. I couldn't talk only cry.

In the end I fell asleep.

And the sun left the moon alone in his slowly growing and burning sorrow, while their heart melted from his flames.

Taglist : @juleshadalittlelamb @fluffybunnyu @tendous-pretty-hair @helloitsmeeeeeee @valencia-rou

#remus lupin #marauders #marauders era #dead gay wizards #the marauders #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin angst #remus lupin x you #Spotify

[sincerely-sofie]

The """"villain""""Twig!AU is making me go insane over what would happen. I haven't hyperfixated on something so much, so quickly in years. I need to give my 2 cents or I just might implode

(Tw: self hatred, suicide implications, Death, Caps lock)

Twig would think of herself as an irredeemable monster for indirectly hurting her friends. she would probably think that, because Darkrai made people have nightmares because of malice, (while not knowing its just a thing he can accidentally do without realizing it.) she would think that on some level that she WANTED to hurt the people closest to her. Her self loathing would get SO much worse. BUT she CAN'T be self destructive because she wouldn't want anyone else to be cursed with this power. She would spiral even further. She wants to die, but she knows she can't from age because of Celebi. She would hate herself even more for even thinking of finding someone to put her out of her misery. She loves her friends to a fault. She wants to be with them, but she thinks that she's inherently evil. It wouldn't help that she would not be able to practice controlling her powers in isolation, give that nightmare aura invariably needs someone else to practice with.

Everyone in her friend group, the Guild, heck, maybe even team skull, would desperately search for her. Combing every place they can think of. Searching every mystery dungeon, forest, mountain, cave, even going under the sea to search. But it's no use. One by one all of them would give up and accept that she is missing. Maybe forever. Except Kip. He would never stop searching for her. He's madly in love with her and knows her better than anyone else. All he wants to do is tell her that he still loves her, and that he would endure any nightmare, no matter how awful, just so he could wake up next to her. And that they would figure out how to control her powers together. But he can't. Maybe he evolves from the constant stress and work put in searching for her. He can't accept that she's gone. He CANNOT live without seeing her one last time. But no matter how much he tries, he can't find her. All of his effort, YEARS of searching with no results. He would either fall into an intense depression, rarely eating or getting out of bed, or die in an accident during an expedition. His thoughts for the last who-knows-how-many-decades have almost entirely been about Twig. And that doesn't change during his last breath.

Grovyle would possibly take it the worst out of all her friend. She was the ONE person he SWORE to protect, and he SCREWED IT UP! HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY WORSE! He would consider himself an utter failure on every conceivable level. It doesn't help that his old savior complex habits resurface worse than ever. He doesn't want anyone to worry about him. He needs to be strong. He always puts on a mask whenever he's around others. He denies everything when someone confronts him about obviously not doing well. Whenever he's alone, he wishes he could just, dissappear. But that would mean someone else would wonder what happened to him. So he can't do that. As a result, he becomes more distant from everyone. His friendships fade because he's never genuine. He runs away whenever he begins to get too emotional. And denies that he is doing such a thing.

Dusknoir would be incredibly distraught by this. He hurt Twig before, who's to say he hadn't done hurt her again? She didn't even say goodbye to anyone, least of all him, why would she even care about him? And now all he wants is to beg her for forgiveness. Completely unaware of the fact that she had already forgiven him for his betrayal a long time ago. He has no idea that she would be appalled that he would want her to forgive him when she would be the one begging for his forgiveness for hurting him and "being evil". Both of them recieve no closure for this. And both of them live without knowing that the other wishes they would ask for forgiveness.

Celebi would become more reserved than ever. She learned that; not only could a legend be killed, but also what happens to the person that kills them. She would consider her powers to see the future and the past a curse. One that only she can bear. She becomes so much less adventurous and adverse to risk. Whenever the other Celebi's ask her why she looks so glum, she quickly changes the subject. She can't have them know. It would destroy them. She would consider all of this her fault as well. If only she knew what would happen, she could have stopped it. If she had been more responsible, she could have had Twig live her life, and all of this would have been avoided. But she can't change it now, because if she were to try and go back in time, another Celebi might come to this timeline and learn what happened. Then they would tell the others, and then they would talk, and she would be solely responsible for ruining the lives of infinite Celebi's. It would all have been her fault. She shoos any celebi that arrives in her timeline out of there. Her relationship with Dialga crumbles as a result of how often she threatens other Celebis to tell him that they are interfering with other timeliness. Eventually, the other Celebi's start avoiding her altogether. "If she's gonna be so mean, then we just wont talk to her" they reason. She's alone, her friendships are ruined, the only people that can relate to her hate her. But they are all safe. That's the only thing that matters now.

Cressalia would take some time, but eventually she finds out what would happen. She would feel responsible for being the one that got Twig cursed with this power, but also she would try to police Twig the same way she tried to control Darkrai. "She must be doing this on purpose". Perhaps Cressalia is the catalyst that made Twig leave in the first place. By trying to help her in Cressalia's own special way, by guilt tripping them while assuming they know what they're doing. It's only after her experience with the Snivy that she realizes what she has done. And now she did EXACTLY what she did to darkrai. To someone who never wanted or asked for this power. She would want to seek forgiveness, but Twig doesn't sleep. She doesn't know where she is. This guilt would eat away at her, leaving her a shell of her former self.

I love a good (fictional) tragedy, because all of this is no-ones fault in particular. Celebi thought legends couldn't be killed and didn't take any precautions in the possibility of that happening, Cresselia thought she was doing the right thing, both before and after Darkrai's death. Twig, Kip, Grovyle and Dusknoir couldn't have known that any of this would happen. It was the perfect storm and set of circumstances that caused this. The most tragic part of all of this, is that by trying to protect everyone, Twig hurts them more than she would have if she had simply stayed. If she didn't have a tendency to put the well-being of others over her own, she could have lead a much happier life, with some pain at the start. Rather than being in pain forever, while unknowingly causing so much more suffering. Ignorance is often bliss, but it is a curse in this.

I dunno how in character all of this is, (Personally, I think my interpretation of Celebi is a bit iffy, she probably would have known that legends can be killed, seen this future, and taken steps to prevent all this from happening) But my brain latched on to the implications of this AU like a steel trap and would not let go until I wrote this down

Thank you for continuing to make art Sophie! I love this suffering more than you probably realize. (Genuine)

Okay so like. When you said you were gathering your thoughts I was so excited. But I would have never DREAMED of this amazing ask.

This is such an interesting continuation of the AU’s premise! It really drives home the irony of Twig’s belief that she makes things worse for those around her, and that her friends would be happier if they never saw her again— Twig is the heart of the main cast. She’s keeping everyone from going off the deep end with just her presence.

I don’t know what to say other than GOOD GLORY do we ever need a tag for this AU because I’m getting attached to it 😭

#HNGHGHHH THIS IS STUNNING #I’M IN LOVE WITH THIS #so many fun ideas!! #I really need to explain Kip and his ‘crush’ on Twig #I’ve never talked about it and I think it’s going to make people laugh once they have the details #alrighty here’s a tag for this thing: #Mortality Exchange AU #sofie answers asks #pmd2 #pmd eos #pmd #pmd explorers #pmd sky #pokémon mystery dungeon #the present is a gift au #pokemon mystery dungeon

[gerardway-is-my-babygirl]

Hi here is a renfield ask do you think once he got free he found himself overwhelmed by just not having to be at anyone's beck and call and how did he fill the quiet hours where no one was demanding all of his physical and mental capacities

Ohhh this Is such an Interesting question!!!

Absolutely, his only purpose for the past 90 years has been to serve someone else, so that's definitely going to result In him trying to recreate that attachment to Dracula with someone different. When DRAAG had suggested he try to focus on his own needs he was still trying to please them and make them happy, he did It for himself too of course but It was mainly from them shoving him In the right direction. He's unable to do things for himself unless people encourage him to, so he definitely struggles with reminding himself to eat/drink/shower post-Dracula and gets quite overwhelmed by how many needs he has and how dull his life Is without having to go hunting every night.

For the first few weeks I Imagine he tries to Ignore Dracula's entire existence (It doesn't work very well) and he distracts himself with the hobbies he's been wanting to do for the past century: knitting, crocheting, baking, etc. Everything he does unfortunately reminds him of Dracula though, and the support group and Rebecca keep telling him to stop burying his emotions which doesn't help him to stay In the denial phase, so eventually he snaps.

I Imagine that his grieving process can go one of two ways:

There's a good route, where he falls apart a lot at the beginning but In the end he learns to accept Dracula's death and allow others to help him.

And then there's a bad route, where he doesn't get past the bargaining phase and ends up bringing Dracula back and pushing everyone around him away.

In the good route he tries to recreate a codependent bond with Rebecca, trying to fulfill every need or want she has until she finally opens up his eyes and makes him realise that he can't let Dracula's shadow follow him forever. He still takes a long time to grieve and to process everything that happened to him, but he has Rebecca and the support group by his side. He still has bad days and Insomnia, but he's determined to get better. Some part of him wants to heal just to spite Dracula, but he also wants to be able to enjoy however many remaining years he has left on earth.

To answer your question of what he would do to fill the quiet hours without being given orders; he's very sensitive about dirt and grime post-Drac, so In the good route his OCD ends up coming back In full swing and he forces himself to clean every Inch of living space that he can reach, out of determination not to let another bug Into his life or to be as dirty as he was when with Dracula. He hoards cleaning sprays and cloths as a way to take back control of his life, accidentally exhausting himself most nights and passing out after entire days of scrubbing the floors and counter tops. This continues until Rebecca finally puts her foot down and drags him to therapy.

In the bad route Renfield ends up falling back Into the pit of self-loathing that Dracula had dug out for him. He knows he got out of It before, but being trapped In It a second time only worsens the affects of his hatred for himself, and this time he doesn't try to get out. Over the course of a few months he lets himself fall apart more and more, not getting out of bed, not answering texts, not answering the door, etc. And when Rebecca finally decides to break down the door, he's gone. Renfield returns to the Lobo mansion and collects Dracula's pieces from the sewers, bringing him back to the hospital to heal him up and to get what he thinks Is his happy ending. Their relationship Is worse this time around, but Renfield would rather have a lifetime of pain than a life without Dracula.

Thank you so much for the ask! I love exploring Renfield's life after Dracula and his feelings and decisions he makes!

#dracfield #dracula #renfield #renfield 2023

[elliotsghost]

Tw:

"i love my mental illness" except for the fact that I irreversibly fucked up my whole life, my future, destroyed myself trying to 'fit in' and now having no control over my life.

I cannot hold a conversation without feelings anxious, thus I have to prepare in my head all the possible response the other person might give me and think in less than a second to what answer I should give them. Over and over for every single conversation I have, no matter with who.

I have no friends; I can count on one hand how many times I've left my house during the whole summer.

I tricked my brain into thinking that I deserve all the pain and suffering I go through and it's not even enough, because people have it worse so I'm not allowed to complain about how I feel. Also, no one cares.

I even make myself worse on purpose, falling again into the addiction of sh, sleepless nights and the need to check how much I eat in a day.

I've been made insecure and now I'm trapped in my own thoughts, I can't wear anything without pointing out things about my body that people might judge. Because there are people who look better than me, who don't have the defects that I have and cannot hide.

This is also why I had to come to the conclusion that I am unlovable, I don't feel any kind of love and can't picture anyone ever experiencing such feelings for me.

To not talk about intrusive thoughts, how I would end up in jail or an asylum where no one would even care to give me the medical assistance that I need, if I ever do as my thoughts say.

Losing hair because of anxiety, I won't pass a hand through my hair because of the fear of seeing more and more hair on my palm each time.

The hate and disgust I feel whenever I remember that I'm being perceived, that I simply exist and the loss I feel inside of me, the hatred I experienced when I'm not acknowledged.

When I just got accepted into university and I could do my dream course but I decided to drop out because the fear of failure was stronger than my will to study. The self-sabotaging all my life, because I don't deserve anything nice to happen to me.

Blaming myself for anything.

The desire to smash my head against any surface so that my brain could just shut up.

Looking at my hands and feeling like a stranger in my own body, trapped underneath the skin. I end up scratching myself or worse to feel like I'm releasing myself into the world.

Costant shit talking about myself any time I do anything, cus I'm not doing it good enough.

Forgetting everything.

Being so unreasonably angry out of nowhere to everything and anyone for no reason at all.

Not recognizing your own body when you look into the mirror.

Feeling like a stranger every day, all the time.

Dissociating anytime I don't fill my brain with hatred thoughts.

Not being able to even get out of the bed some mornings.

The lack of self-care and hygiene, I sometimes go months without brushing my teeth, even showering is so fucking hard that the max I can do is just wash my hair.

Not being able to talk and needing to go non verbal because I'm afraid of anything that could come out of my mouth.

Being jealous of anything that receives more attention than me.

Hiding in plain sight.

Judging each one of my moves.

#mental health #mental illness #actually mentally ill #“i love my mental illness” shut the fuck up #self h@rm #self h@te #tw #kids need to be taught what mental illness is actually like #my mental illness is not a quirky trait #body dysmorphia #body dysphoria #dissociation #lack of sleep #lack of motivation #anger issues

[compassionatereminders]

Hi! I hope you're having a good day when you read this! I wanted to ask for some advice on a situation I've got with a friend. Tw for suicide mention and an extremely long ask My friend is extremely depressed, crippingly so. She struggles to eat, to sleep, to get herself to do anything. It takes a huge amount of power and energy for her to get herself to get out of bed just to go to the bathroom and then go back to bed, where she spends 90% of her day. She doesn't even enjoy the games or the activities she used to enjoy because it takes so much energy and willpower to force herself to get out of bed to do them and keep doing them that it's become draining and unenjoyable. She's not actively suicidal but I've had to call 911 on her behalf in the past because she was determined and really close to killing herself, she's more stable since then but clearly still struggling a lot. She cannot bring herself to go through the process of seeking a therapist as it's very long and she has to email many people and then meet them and there's the chance it won't work so she's been postponing it for months because it's overwhelming (and because she hates herself so much she doens't feel like she deserves it/it'd be pointless). Some friends who have their own struggles or experience with this stuff have told me she needs long term care and that I should contact a team to go to her house and assess her situation and see if she needs to be hospitalized. I feel like this would be overstepping a boundary and I'd feel bad doing it, but at the same time I want her to get the help she very clearly needs and won't get herself. On the other hand, she's trying to make progress in college and, even if she attacks and insults herself every step of the process (she has a HUGE amount of self hatred. She despises herself more than anyone would despise their worst enemy), she's doing well in that class and I'd hate to force her out of college and force her to retake that class later if the professionals deem that she should be hospitalized. I feel stuck. She lives in another country so going to her house and trying to drag her out of the house or just staying with her and keeping her company in person is not an option, which only leaves me with just talking and listening online which, while I know that lending an ear and giving support can help, it's definitely not a solution and she needs way more than that to actually manage her depression, anxiety, trauma and self hatred. I really don't know what to do, and since you have some experience with the other side of things and your best friend is a mental health professional, I'd like your opinion and advice on the matter.

Sorry for such a long ask and thanks for taking the time to read it!

I've been thinking about this ask for a while and I've decided that I'm not comfortable trying to tell you what to do here. The thing is, sometimes hospitalizations are helpful, and sometimes they make everything worse. It depends on a lot of factors. And I just don't feel comfortable making any guesses about it when I don't know the people involved and the exact system they'd be working with. Sorry to disappoint! I'm sending all my love to you and your friend.

#chat with kat #psych ward tw #hospitalization tw #suicide tw #suicidal ideation tw

[oldcoyote]

Understand that I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but fatphobic culture and diet culture normalises a lot of very unhealthy ways of relating to food. Calorie counting and dieting and skipping meals are normalised methods of disordered eating, even if they don't constitute a full Eating Disorder. Frequently weighing yourself too is a normalised way of developing self hatred for nothing, because it doesn't serve any purpose other than to flagellate yourself--and even if it was a useful corollary for health, it would still be concerning compulsive behaviour. If you were frequently measuring your blood pressure, or your heart rate, or some other easly monitored indicator of health, that would be concerning too, because it would be clear that it takes up an outsized amount of your focus. The fact that you (deliberately?) purge is above and beyond even that.

I don't want to preach to you, but it might be helpful to consider why you do these things, and how it would make you feel if tomorrow you just stopped doing these things. Could you stop? Could you just stop weighing yourself and counting calories and throwing up? Do you think these things are actually health promoting, and if they are do you think they're worth the harm they do? You don't have to answer these to me, but you should think about it.

I know learning about all the garbage lies peddled by fatphobia has been a struggle for you. I really wish the best for you.

thank you so much for worrying love, it's very kind of you. i am reading over this a few times to take all of it in and understand.

i definitely can stop (and have many times) but it tends to be detrimental for me to do so. when i stop weighing myself every day and stop calorie counting, my weight shoots up very fast. i've gained 20kg (44lbs) in the last year because i stopped and tried to let my body just be as it is, and now everything is a lot more frustrating and difficult because of the gain. my chronic pain is worse, and i can't afford to replace the clothing/equipment that's no longer suited to my rapidly expanding frame

i struggle very deeply with the fatposi movement because my internalised fatphobia is so intense. i have zero fatphobia when it comes to anybody else, and i'm so proud of so many people i know and see for letting go of that life and living authentically and loving who they are now - i envy them. i just know in my soul, i can't do that. in the same way i am unfathomably cruel to myself over little mistakes and accidents that aren't even my fault, how i can be so outright abusive to myself, i know at the same time that i could never by any stretch of the imagination be that way to another person that's not me. the only person i can ever deliberately hurt is me, because i am not worth anything, so it doesn't matter

the same goes for the fatness rule. i am proud of, and happy for, everybody else accepting their fatness. it just can't be me.

i don't know how to let go of the ingrained, rock-solid belief that seems etched into my very being that i will finally be happy and worth something when i'm thin. the things i would agree to if someone could just snap their fingers and make me thin in exchange are absolutely horrifying. i want it more than anything. it has been my whole life's desire for decades and at this point, i don't know how to not want it so much. i just want to be worth something more than anything in the world and i don't know how to uncouple my worth from thinness. i don't see thinness as worth or fatness as a lack of worth in any other human being, so i don't know why i can't escape it when it comes to me

i will say that i cannot stop doing these things again, at this stage, i have to keep doing them to keep control over the situation before it escalates and gets even worse. i know these things are horrible and probably will lead to a full blown ED if i don't watch out, but the alternative is something i just cannot afford. i am so so grateful to everybody for trying to help. i just need to figure out some kind of balance. <3

#fatphobia #trigger warning for eating disorders #long post #internalised fatphobia #self hate

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

I DID IT!! I LEFT HER :)

I bought a plane ticket and flew for the first time (which was so fun and I got to sit by the window both times!) to be with my extended family who I don't know all that well but my grandma is here too and my grandpa is on his way, so I feel more comfortable since they practically raised me. it's been so fun this past week getting to know all of my cousins and aunt and uncle! there's so much to do here too! I've been hiking, biking, riding atvs, riding my aunts boat, attempting wakeboarding although failing miserably, shooting my uncles guns which was a rush!! and it turns out I'm a perfect shot lmao. and on top of all that, this family really likes to do stuff together which I'm not used to at all so I swear I've been getting invited to one thing after the other every day I've been here. there also happens to be a whole lot of positions open up right now in this area which is great because I was mostly worried about how I was going to find a job last minute.

my uncle and I seem to have a lot in common which is comforting. he also grew up in the desert with nothing to do and also had a crazy mom so were getting along very well. we seem to have a lot of similarities in other areas as well. he took me for a day to show me some of his favorite things to do and also show me what a day of work is like for him and put me to work for part of the day so that he could get a feel for what im skilled at. were surrounded by so much forest so he took me to some of his favorite spots close to a cabin he's been fixing up and we got to explore an abandoned mine shaft!!! OMG it was so cool! he also took me to a really nice cemetery near where he works and it was so beautiful and mystical and we saw a whole lot of deer all throughout it which just enhanced the whole experience. I'm having so much fun

I've never been so relaxed in my entire life. its sad to think that this way of living was always available to me lol. oh yeah, the coffee here is absolutely amazing! and there are so many options, its almost overwhelming. now that im able to be more active, I've fallen back into my coffee addiction to stay energized throughout the day lol.

id say the only con is that my aunt is a lot like my mom so sometimes it can be difficult to be around her but other than that, this is like heaven :))

obviously it's not perfect, as I'm still trying to cope with the guilt of leaving my mom and fighting the urge to cut or starve when my guilt gets to be too much but id rather this lingering feeling than the constant torture of living with my mom in a place with nothing to do and nowhere to go, you know?

plus side from all this trauma is that I've lost 14 pounds since I left her and that's just from all the hiking and walking I'm doing during my free time lol

I'm still in a calorie deficit most days but its not really that low compared to how I used to restrict.

I'd say right now the only thing that's really stressing me out is my need to constantly body check, its definitely gotten worse since I moved out here, and its because I really cant tell how others perceive me.

I'm also fighting with myself most days since I got here cause I keep catching myself saying things inside my head like "you dont deserve to eat", "dont be a fat pig", "no one will love you if you get fat", you know, the cliche signs that you are not completely recovered yet, but I think I'm also going to be starting my period soon and I often fall into a depressive state right before, and it often starts with self hatred and then fades halfway through my period.

anyway I've gotten way off track, obviously the move cant solve all of my problems but I am so happy right now despite my mental struggles and still cant believe that I'm lucky enough to be so easily accepted by a family who doesn't even really know me yet! I wouldn't have been able to escape if they weren't so welcoming from the very beginning.

#ed bllog #tw ana diary #childhood trauma #child neglect #trauma #verbal abuse #psychological abuse #tw ana shit #ed vent #i wanna be perfect #edblrr #body ch3ck #ana trigger

[twoleggedalien]

My dearest prospect, 

You’ll have to know me better than I know myself. I suffer from a debilitating self-awareness that stumps me and holds me down most of the time. I am entranced by my complexities as despondent. My feverish spirits only rise when I’m with anger. The emotion fills my heart and body and tires my soul. But that’s not to say I am without joy and peace. Feelings negative and positive don’t attempt to evade me, I dare say they pursue me everyday. I am restless both inside the house and outside. And to tell you a truth that not many know, a shameful secret I keep to myself, I know much and nothing at all, but don’t dare presume I know nada. I may, or may not, be willing to listen, I may be persuaded and collect newfound views but I will do it grudgingly. 

In my short time on Earth many things have happened, I keep this in mind most days. In view of myself and others yet sometimes it becomes a blind spot. It’s not that I am judgmental because rarely do I feel hatred in my soul for just anyone or anything. Words might slip from my tongue or come out in incomprehensible determinations that I might never follow through. My mind is preoccupied with the to-do’s and needs of the days that I hardly have time for much else. You’ll need to be understanding of me. I mean no harm except for the times I do. Which are fleeting moments. Throwing something to the ground because my muscles need a release, or my tongue may betray me in the sense that I always feel horrid for my atrocious behaviors because is that who I am? Consider sensibly as I have, that as it appears my flaws are affixed to me as much as my strengths.

Know I am driven by love. My heart is not big but it is full. I do not understand unwise judgments and do not participate in activities that put me in a state of silence. I rarely add fuel to a fire, but be supportive and add to mine when think fit. But you must think fit. Common sense only neglects me in the room temperature moments, like forgetting to buy a stamp for a package and throwing it with the rest of the mail, dressing up in  my way afar, forming societal expectations for socially manufactured spaces and affairs, butting my way in, and having more than my share.

My values are instilled in me, but rarely thought of. I’d say my biggest focus is on my philosophy. How I go on about the world, for why I do things and confined myself to what enthralls me. My life is my pleasure to feel. For the love of God, you must keep up. I chide many things, most of them are proven to be for the worse so I criticize for the better. What good would it do us it you can’t abide by the times of day I am most sentient. Early mornings get the worm and all that, I say it’s true. Eating breakfast, having snacks throughout the day, minding a sleep routine is all proven to be good. I refuse to be the only one who minds these things. With that said, do not know better and disregard execution and accomplishment. 

Now now, this is not to say to not be you. Though often I have thought to date myself, I believe I would be my perfect match up to a point, it is ultimately impossible. The closest I could get to that scenario is being with myself which I do very well already. Differences do not perturb me, rather they are something to be excited about. While I won’t budge that orange juice is better than apple juice (though I drink both), one does not need to like every single eatery (because honestly, they might sell the same stuff, but they are not the same), that day is better than night (to be productive), my adverse contempt for capitalism and this modernistic colonialism, and even my mourning for what a simple life under my own restrictions, proposal, and doctrines I could live. I lack the passion to grip things by the collar and speedboat that shit. While I often mourn for that too, my deficiency in executing, I can be influenced by a fiery heart, upbeat soul, a sculpted physique and a promising smile.

I have many loves and felt many heartbreaks. I have sought help when in the midst of drowning and helped myself to keep afloat. I am the youngest daughter with many shortcomings  yet treated as the most matured of all as if I was not still ripening. It’s not complete fabrication, what they say, but to state it so outspokenly as though cooking and cleaning and taking care of oneself is something one does when reaching the age of thirty and some. While regarding that much of what I’ve learned has been from being on my own devices again and again since childhood. 

Thus I wish you the bestest luck, my aspirant paramour. May you be a gentle caller of great endurance, appeal, and wisdom to embark on this endeavor. Elseway, I fear my disinterest will never retire and leave me missing the essence of a spirit never in existence and you without a single attachment to me.

With a heavy heart I leave it up to you. Can you bear such a task as forging a spot in my heart?

If it’s any consolation, I think you can. It’s not a day's labor and might be a bit of a messy business, but it’ll be fruitful as the wait for spring. 

Yours honestly, 

[RETRACTED]

#february #love #valentines day #letters #letter #romantic #hopeless romantic #romance #excerpts #fiction #reading #be my valentine #lovers #midnights #youre on your own kid #mastermind #love letter: my true feelings #love letters #for you #self help #help

[veeveex3]

Obey Me Brothers Comforting gn!MC's Body Image Issues

alright so i've gotten back into Obey Me! recently bc of mammon's birthday event and i've also been having some body image issues recently too so what better way to cheer myself up then to write fanfic lol (ngl it's pretty fucking corny but I hope it's comforting to read lol) (also it's meant more as a vent post so it might sound like one big ramble so sorry bout that too)

TW: discussions on eating disorders, scars (though it's not mentions what kind of scars they are), and body dysmorphia, if these topics greatly upset you, please skip out on this one

Leviathan:

Lucifer:

When he first learns of your insecurities, he tries to make a plan to combat them

First thing is to get you to see a counselor so that you can let your emotions out with a professional

He's not very good with dealing with other people's emotions since he comes off as cold most of the time, so he thought this would be better for you

He'd also make sure you're eating right and not skipping any meals

However if you're genuinely not hungry, he'd let you be as not to upset your stomach and / or give you a negative (or potential worse) relationship with food

Would also get you some cream to help cover up any scars or marks that you're insecure about

Though he appears strict and cold-hearted most of the time, he does genuinely care for you and he would do anything to see you at your best

Mammon:

Huh? His human doesn't feel confident about themself?!

That's nonsense, you're his for a reason, it's obviously because you're worthy in every aspect, including appearance

In all seriousness though, he doesn't like how much you hate yourself

It's not fair that you see your appearance in that way when he knows you're so much better than what you think

And he'll try to show it by buying you designer clothes that fit your body type and cover up any marks or scars that make you insecure

It may not be able to fix the issue permanently but at least it will be a wake up call to you that you're not as unattractive as you may think

It's not the easiest for him to admit how special you are to him but it is true, so he tries to make you smile even for a little bit

He gets it when you talk bad about your body

Not that it's a good thing but he's an expert when it comes to hating himself, body included

He doesn't get why you'd hate yourself though

You're literally the most perfect person in the world to him

It's hard for him to express it but he'll try his best to tell you how amazing and wonderful and attractive you are

He'd let you vent to him about all of your worries insecurities so you can let it all out instead of bottling it all up

After that he'll try to cheer you up by playing a cute little game like demonic animal crossing

Even if you don't know it, he'd always be their to comfort you with all of your worries in his own little way

Asmodeus:

Satan:

He's a good listener, so he'd also let you vent to him about your insecurities

He'd even help you release your frustrations in other ways (ex. writing down all of the things you don't like about yourself and burning the paper to symbolize getting rid of the insecurities)

He'd also let you simply relax in his room if you don't wanna talk and you just wanna take your mind off of things

Satan likely has scars from being born from Lucifer, so he knows how it feels to be insecure about them

However, he wants to reassure you that they don't define you and that you're more than your physical appearance

He'll comfort you until you feel better and would be right there to fight your insecurities along side you

Probably takes your situation to heart the most

Despite his theatric self obsession, I feel like he's had a lot of body issues as well given the pressure he has to constantly be beautiful all the time as the avatar of lust

So Asmo's able to sympathize with you the most when you vent to him about your self hatred about your body

However, that doesn't mean he's gonna let you wallow in your own self pity!

That'll only make you feel worse which could spiral into some very bad habits (which is to put it very lightly)

He'd set up a cute little spa day for the two of you, letting you relax in his big ass tub to distract you from your worries

He'd also get you a cute fluffy robe so the two of you can cuddle and watch shitty romance movies together

Would kiss all over your scars, stretch marks, etc. if your ok with that

Wants you to know that regardless of how you feel about yourself, he loves you with all of his heart and will do whatever you're comfortable with to show it <3

Beelzebub:

The worst person to be around when you're feeling self conscious about your body /j

But seriously, once you tell him how self conscious you've been recently, he starts to feel really bad himself

He never considered that him eating so much but still maintaining a pretty muscular build would ever make you upset

Once he realizes though, he'd pull you into a big hug to try to make you feel better

He can't do anything about both of your appetites -- you both have to eat everyday after all -- but he can try to comfort you the best he can

If you want to lose weight, he'd help you find the best and healthiest way to do so, and he'll always remind you to eat, even if it's something small

If you don't want to lose weight, he'd try to help you with your relationship with food, so that it's easier to eat without worrying about your body image

Either way, he wants to help you get better since your smile is contagious to him

Belphegor:

He doesn't see why you'd be so insecure about your appearance

He thinks you look just fine, if not incredibly attractive

Knows how human beauty standards works so he knows why you're upset, but he still thinks you shouldn't compare yourself to other people

Will put you to sleep so that you can stop stressing out and influence your dreams so that they're happy and full of compliments (I think he can influence dreams, like, he should be able to)

He'll even let you use his favorite pillow

After you wake up, he'll probably brew some tea and let you talk about anything else that's bothering you

While his behavior may come off as dismissive of your discomfort, he simply doesn't want to see you so upset at yourself and wants to see you happy instead

#obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me headcanons

[thephilocalistbarbarian]

“I feel like a loser,” you tell yourself.

I know a person who wants to have an athletic body. Is a Loner, convinced that no one will ever love them until they fix themself, but doesn't actually know what to fix and how to fix. Is not able to look someone in the eye without getting over conscious of how you look, how you speak. Feels guilty about sharing your feelings with someone (suprise!!! I am that person).

Every time I do something I don’t want to do because I want the approval of others, I know that unconsciously I am telling myself that I value other people more than I value myself.

People naturally detect weakness and they’ll test you like the raptors at the fence in Jurassic Park. Worse, they’re not doing it on purpose. It’s human nature to see how much you can get away with. (but you can always control it right?..."yay!! they are doing it on purpose")

We all can blame the media for creating unrealistic standards for beauty, masculinity, and femininity, or you can blame the media for dramatically lowering the standards.

Society has always tried to crush the vast majority of its people in some way or the other. It is a hell of a lot to ask to try to gather myself up from my bootstraps while walking an uphill terrain of self-improvement made out of quicksand.

I get it. It is hard. Society is fucked. I agree with you. 

But, what other option do you have other than to fight a seemingly unwinnable battle?

You could give up. Most people do. You could be apathetic. Most people are. You can whine, cry, and complain. That’s standard protocol. But I don't you to give up because people like you are needed in this fucked up world.

Anything that ever caused me to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of my psychic space. It causes me to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned.

A birthday is just another reminder that I am not getting any better. I feel unsatisfied with accomplishments since the previous year. When I was a kid, birthdays were awesome. I get to party, go to the movies, and eat cake. When I got a bit older, birthdays got, ehh. the part where you meet people feels the worst.

I seriously try so hard to learn and change who I am to the point that I make myself sick (I don't do this on purpose) , but I didn't realize that what I actually need is a heaping dose of acceptance for where I am at in life and the knowledge that I do not have to have the same path as everyone else. If you start from a place of low self-esteem or self-hatred, or you compare yourself a lot, or hold a lot of trauma, or tend to push down your own needs in favor of burning yourself out on work, hustling might really hurt you if you don't work through that stuff, so please be good to yourself first and foremost. keep reading keep loving!! see you next time whenever i write. Love<3

#random people #random thoughts #acceptance #self love #anxienty #ruminating thoughts #I care for you #be random

[nefarious-world]

TW

I can’t express how much I hate myself. The amount of hate and rage I’ve felt is something that makes me feel like I want to relapse. Everything was getting better, I’m on new meds and they help but ever since that breakdown I’ve felt angry. My sleep schedule is impossible to permanently fix and with my schedule my day is full of school, my brain makes me feel like I don’t have enough time to myself. It’s fall break and even before it started, I was gaining a lot of weight because I’m not active in my breaks between classes or after them. I want to do what makes me happy not exercise. This has caused me to gain more weight than I’m comfortable with. I’ve struggled with this before and then, I made the decision to starve myself. That made everything worse. And I cant do anything about it because my body and brain won’t let me. And I feel if I do start trying to fix it then my motivation will be corrupted. I could overwork myself or even end up despising myself more with no results. I’m angry towards myself and as punishment I want to start cutting again. But I can’t. I promised my mom I wouldn’t and if I got caught I would be sent back to the hospital. I would stay there for a month. I’m getting stretch marks where I didn’t know they could appear. Last time I peaked at the scale at my physiatrist appointment and I was about 195 pounds. I’m pretty sure I’m well over 200 now and that gives me emotions I didn’t know I could feel. Everyone keeps telling me it doesn’t matter and I know it doesn’t but I can’t convince my brain. I feel guilty anytime I eat anything. Sometimes I don’t eat what I wanted, and wait till I’m really hungry for something. I feel bed bound and I don’t know why. I’m finally able to brush my hair, teeth and take a shower every other day when I couldn’t do that for so long. But then this happens. It’s one thing after the other and it won’t stop. I need a break from my brain and what other people think. I need a break from life. Because if I don’t it will destroy me. I honestly don’t see myself still here in the future. Not just because of my problems but of others. I’m forced to grow up in a world that doesn’t care about me. The earth is dying, my rights are taken away, war may be starting, the government is not run on a democracy anymore, women are still fighting for their rights in 2022, i will be financially struggling, I won’t be able to buy a house, men will always be whispering in my ear and so much fucking more I can’t name because it’s so much. I don’t want to live through all that. It’s not worth it. But I can’t do fucking anything about it except just sit here. I’m stuck with my anger, hatred, self loathing, anxiety and fear. I’m only 13.

#government #i hate my brain #mental illness #mentally exhausted #angry vent #self help #lose stomach weight #stretch marks #daily life #tw ed in the tags #triggering themes #triggering content #ed #mental health #mental heath awareness

[halleymacleod666]

Eating disorderders are hell. I wish I knew this when I started. Now it's too fucking late. I can't recover. When I eat normally the thoughts just get worse and worse. I have to reach my ugw, there is no way out before then, idk if I'll be able to recover after, I hope I will but the thoughts are just too much. I genuinely wouldn't wish this disorder upon my worst fucking enemy. Your every thought gets consumed by weight loss and food and what u r eating next and when u r eating next. It is not fun. It is not worth it. The self hatred that comes with it is unbearable. If I could go back in time I'd slap my younger self. This is consuming me inside and out. I want out. I want help. I can't ask for it yet. I'm not skinny enough yet. After 5 fucking years I haven't gotten any closer to my goal. It's just constant suffering without results. Well if I have to suffer either way then I'm not fucking eating. I'll think about food whether I eat or I don't. So what difference does it make. At least by not eating I'll finally get skinny and maybe then I can be helped. Idk anymore. I'm writing this after a binge so I'm in a really desperate mood lol. I guess I'll just have to pick myself back up for the millionth time and keep going, keep pushing.

#anorexik #eating disoder things #tw ed rant #thinner is better #tw ana thoughts #model thin #ed diet #tw ed diet #meanspp #4a4

[jthm-moved]

hey i feel the "cant have an ed correctly" post a lot, i promise you that you don't need to "get worse" to be allowed to seek it because youre already worthy of help :( we both are. you arent alone, there are people who understand you that you can reach out to once you find youre able to/comfortable. you don't have to be sicker, you only have to be yourself - and yourself is a good thing. sorry if this is weird

it’s not weird, i appreciate you

when i said i need to get sicker to become deserving of treatment i meant it. i’ve gone to 5 different doctors and specialists and every single one of them has either actively made my ed worse by instilling even more destructive behaviors in me or hasn’t taken me seriously whatsoever.

i was still overweight (175lbs) when i went to see the first specialist. this was years after i had first experienced disordered eating—it was also a major problem when i was 12-13 because of the decade of SA i had been going through. no one questioned that either simply because i was still at a “healthy” weight.

the woman i saw looked at me, sobbing and begging for help, and did nothing. when i screamed about “barely eating anything,” she said that was the reason why i was fat and hated myself without going into any detail about why that would happen. she told me to ditch my current diet and start completely from scratch with no plan set in place. i was sent home with nothing and was not prompted to go back. so i didn’t.

flash forward to a little less than a year ago. i began intermittent fasting, every single day. i still do it. every single day for no less than 16 hours—i have lost exactly 50lbs this way. i am no longer considered overweight. i’ve gone to more doctors to ask them for help, thinking that at this point there would be something concerning them enough to look into.

nothing, 4 more times. my endocrinologist saw nothing wrong with my condition. she even complimented me on my drastic weight loss the last time we saw each other, triggering me into continuing despite me pouring my heart out to her. i had lost 30lbs in those 3 months between visits by starving myself. every. single. day.

and now that i’m at a “healthy” weight again, they simply see me as a fat person attempting to keep their weight down. i’ve told them about my fasting. i’ve told them about how looking into a reflective surface used to make me extremely nauseous. no. as long as i’m at a “healthy” weight, i’m where i should be and there’s nothing to treat.

i have severe body dysmorphia. i bodycheck several dozen times a day. i have harmed myself over the utter hatred and devastation i feel being forced to live in this body. so much hatred and devastation that i sometimes HEAVILY dissociate just to forget, to be away from the pain of knowing for a little while. i weigh myself every single morning and get upset over changes in it, down to the ounce.

i self dx atypical anorexia. this means i am anorexic, but the only trait i do not have is being severely underweight. such a diagnosis is so fucking rare because doctors are too stupid to realize that anorexia is a mental illness. it shouldn’t fucking matter how much you weigh. once you start feeling that way about yourself you should be entitled to treatment.

being turned down again and again has made me feel like the only way anyone who can help me will ever care about my condition is if i’m on the brink of death. when it’s probably too late for me. i want to be noticed. i want to be told that i can get better, and here’s how we’re going to do it.

the attitude towards eating disorders in a medical sense fucking disgusts me. who knows how many other people have gotten severely ill and/or died because of it.

#asks #ed #tmi #long post #i’m sorry if this sounds rude i just really do not feel good right now