#i feel like i can truly pursue art now when before i had nothing but doubt. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heartateasee · 1 month

Text

"Chapter Two"

Word Count: 5.6k

(Chapter two to “Cherry Bomb” - please make sure to read the TW on the “Cherry Bomb” masterlist before proceeding.)

●・○・●・○・●

Today marks a month since my hometown show, which also means I’ve been back in LA officially for the same amount of time. I hadn’t really been out much since being here considering there was still a lot of rearranging to do with my house. For starters, it took a few weeks to get my home recording studio completely set up the way I needed it. I had also painted a lot of the walls, and worked on getting my patio to look like an oasis.

My home was finally feeling like just that…home.

It’s been a while since I’ve had that feeling considering I was bouncing from place to place while touring - sleeping each night either in the van as we drove to another location, or a hotel if we had the time.

Having a place to call my own now is so refreshing. It finally feels like I’m settling down somewhere for the first time since I left home to pursue music. I’ve managed to make it completely me, and I’m proud of myself for that.

Another reason why I think I threw myself into renovating my house so much was due to the fact that I had seen Harry again. After five years, I saw someone who I had tried my hardest to forget.

But the sad thing was, it still wasn’t him.

I’ve made peace with the fact that my Harry is truly gone, and to be honest, I think it’s helped me push forward a bit when it comes to that healing. People really are telling the truth when they say sometimes you never properly heal - the pain just dulls. I think that’s how it will always be when it comes to the loss of Harry.

There’s nothing like speaking about someone as if they were dead when they’re still very much alive.

Regardless of me not really taking the time to see how things had changed in LA, I made myself a promise that today I’d be remedying that. I want to try to go and look for a few additional art pieces for both my living room and bathroom, and I also want to see if the old record store I used to shop at was still open.

That record store holds a lot of memories for me, and I hope to see that it’s still the same.

Looking at myself in the full length mirror in my room, I tug on a pair of black flared corduroys - pairing them with my trusty black platform Dr. Martens. I pull on a black tank top and tuck it into the waistband of my trousers before pulling on a black mesh top over that. I give myself a small nod as I fluff up my hair that I had already done, and I give my makeup one more glance as I head out of my bedroom.

With my small black purse over my shoulder, and my keys in my hand, I make my way outside and into my car. I start towards town, and I make the decision to go looking for some vinyls first since that’s what I’m most excited about.

As I drive, I take in the scenery around me, and I can see that there’s obviously been a lot of build up in the area since I was last living here. More apartment buildings, houses and shopping centers. It was the same, but it wasn’t - much like myself now that I’ve returned.

I feel a smile tug onto my lips as I see the sign for the record store, and I can’t help but let out a small laugh when I realize that’s thankfully one of the things that hasn’t changed at all. Pulling into the parking lot, I park and get out while feeling the giddiness in my stomach that at least something has remained the same.

The same old bell chimes as I step in the front door, and I look over to see there’s no one behind the counter currently. I can’t help but stop in my tracks as I look at it - covered with various bands stickers and doodles, it brings me right back to when I would come in here almost every day the summer after highschool.

“There she is!” Harry's voice bellows as I walk into the record store with a bag of Taco Bell in my hand - a drink carrier in the other. “And she brings me food?”

He dramatically looks up at the sky with his hands pressed together as if he were praying. “I don’t know what I did for whoever is up there to give me Marlowe Finch as my best friend, but I could kiss your ass right now for doing so.”

I can’t help but giggle at his words as I shake my head, and I make my way over to the counter. After making sure the bag and drinks are secure on the surface, I also push myself up onto it before dishing out the food.

“I got you the Mexican pizza combo with a Baja Blast,” I tell him as I pull out the box as well as setting his drink down by him. I make sure I also give him the taco that comes with it. “Oh, and I got you chips and cheese!”

I can feel Harry watching my every move as I set our food up for the two of us, and I look over to him once I finish - feeling my cheeks flush a bit. “What?”

Harry shakes his head as his bunny teeth clamp down on his bottom lip. “Nothing, just so lucky to have you - that’s all.”

“And I’m lucky to have you,” I don’t hesitate to say it back as I lift a hand up to fix the backwards hat he currently has on. He was growing his hair out, but was insistent on wearing hats. He looks like a true frat boy, which is a thing I always give him shit over. “Going to a party or something after your shift? You’re a little more dressed up than usual.”

“Yeah, one of the guys who’s in a local band invited me. He comes in here a lot to put up flyers for their gigs, and he said they’re having a pretty big house party,” Harry shrugs as he pulls the wrapper off his taco, slathering it with sauce before taking a massive bite.

I make a face as I watch him eat, and he reaches out to pinch my hip - eliciting a squeal from me.

“You don’t have to eat it like a starved animal, you know? It’s not going anywhere,” I tease with a wink as I bite into a piece of my chicken quesadilla. “But a house party sounds fun. Do you need me to pick you up later once you’re ready to leave it?”

“You know I’m not going to be drinking,” Harry says, pausing to take a sip of his Baja Blast. “I can just call an Uber or I can walk.”

“Harry,” I tilt my head to the side. “You know I don’t mind giving you rides, right? It lets me spend more time with you.”

I notice that Harry pauses on eating for a moment as he looks down at his feet before he speaks. “I don’t know. I just feel like a burden sometimes since I don’t have my own car.”

“Hey,” I place my food to the side for a moment, and I take his food from him to do the same before I place his hands in mine - giving them a squeeze. “You will never be a burden to me. Never. Do you understand?”

Harry purses his lips to the side, and I raise my eyebrows as if to enunciate my statement again. His shoulders deflate before he gives me a soft nod which causes me to smile.

“Good, glad we cleared that up,” I tell him as I start in on my food again. “Are they going to come and pick you up from here?”

He doesn’t answer me right away as he leans against the counter, pondering as he chews the bite he just took from his taco. “Why don’t you just come with me?”

“I don’t know, H,” I squirm slightly at the thought of being around people I’m not familiar. “It’s not like these people even have any idea who I am. They’ll probably think it’s weird if I just turn up with you.”

“Well, if they said something about it, then we’d leave,” Harry’s eyebrows narrow as he holds my eyes. “I wouldn’t want to be around those types of people anyway.”

I glance over at the clock to see he has about two hours left of his shift. “How about I think about it? I’ll just hang out until you’re done - that way I can take you anyway, yeah?”

Harry sends me that boyish grin of his that here recently has sent my heart fluttering, and he reaches over to dip one of his chips into the cheese before he’s extending it out to me. I roll my eyes playfully at him as I lean forward - capturing the chip between my teeth before letting it fall back onto my tongue.

“I think that sounds like a plan,” he tells me.

The sound of someone entering behind me causes me to come back to reality, and I immediately leave the main area of the store to head into one of the side rooms. I wasn’t even sure if the organization in here was the same as it used to be, but I just had to get away from that counter for a moment.

I spent so many days just sitting on top of that while I would watch Harry work, and half the time I’d be helping him get his stuff done so we could get out faster. All we cared about back then was playing music in my garage, so we always tried to get him out of the store as quickly as possible once his shift was through.

As I approach the section of shelves that was strictly for 80’s records, I decide that’s as good of a place to start as any. I begin to flip through the records while nibbling on the inside of my cheek as I do so.

I pull a few out that I know I’d be more than happy to have before continuing my way through the room. My attention gets caught for a moment by a blonde girl exiting out of the employee only room, and I can tell she’s heading back up towards the front while adjusting her clothes.

It’s only a few seconds later that I catch another body exiting the same room, but I keep my back slightly turned to them as I continue to sort through the vinyls.

Just as I’m about to grab a Talking Heads album, my attention is stolen once more by the sound of a high-pitched giggle, followed by a single name.

“Harry!”

I can’t help but flash my eyes over to the counter since I’ve made my way back towards that area, and I see Harry’s body wrapped around the girl I had seen just a few seconds ago.

“Stop it - you’ve already had me away from the customers for the last fifteen minutes,” the girl continues to laugh, acting as if she were trying to push him off of her, but it’s obvious she’s loving the contact from him.

Knowing I need to get out of here, I go to set the records down that I had in my hand, but I’m caught off guard by a gasp, and I can see the girl looking past Harry’s shoulder at me.

“Holy shit!” Harry is quick to look over his shoulder to see what she’s on about, and I watch his expression harden once he sets his sights on me. “You’re Marlowe Finch!”

The girl unravels herself from Harry, and she walks over to me with a large smile. I clear my throat when I realize I’m going to have to interact with her. Clearly she’s a fan, and I don’t want to come across as rude. My issue is with Harry - not her.

“Uh, hi, that’s me,” I nod, forcing a smile of my own.

“I was so bummed that I missed your show a few weeks ago, but this one was sick,” she gestures her thumb over her shoulder to Harry before crossing her arms over her chest. “So I stayed home too so I could be on standby, in case he needed me.”

I soon realize that he obviously lied to this girl about where he was that night considering he was very much at my gig, and not at home sick. He sends me a look, one that I quickly interpret as a warning, but all that does is cause me to get a bit angry.

“Funny seeing you here, Harry,” I say, raising an eyebrow at him. “Do you still work here too?”

The girl looks between the two of us for a moment - confusion etched on her face. “Wait, you guys know each other?”

Harry walks to stand behind the blonde after hearing that question, and I stifle a laugh at the fact that he hasn’t even talked about me once to her.

“Harry and I used to be best friends up until a few years ago.”

“What the hell?” She lifts her hand to hit the back of it lightly against Harry’s chest. “How come you’ve never told me this?”

I can’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt to know that he really does just forget that I ever existed in his life. I’m actually a bit envious of him at the same time though. I wish I had the capability just to block out years of memories that I no longer wanted.

Harry remains silent, but the girl doesn’t wait for him to respond before she speaks again. “Well, I’m Rylan,” she says, extending her hand to me which I shake. “Are you staying in town for long?”

“Just moved back actually,” I nod. “I plan on being here for some time since I just finished up my tour, and I’m starting to work on my new album.”

“Oh, that’s so exciting! We should totally hang out sometime since you’re going to be sticking around.”

I can see the annoyance written all over Harry’s face as Rylan continues to ramble, and I send him a slight smirk. The one thing he wants to avoid, he simply can’t - all due to the fact his girlfriend is currently making over me.

“Well, if Harry still has my number, it’s the same, so…” I trail off with a shrug, and Rylan claps her hand.

“I can’t believe I’m going to be hanging out with you. I feel like I'm in a dream right now,” she shakes her head before seeing the records I didn’t get a chance to put down. “If you’re all set, I can ring those up for you.”

“Sure.”

Rylan takes the vinyls from me, and she turns her back towards both Harry and I to walk towards the counter. As I walk past Harry, we allow our eyes to run over each other before I’m looking back ahead to properly check-out. I can still feel his sight on me as I hand my card over to Rylan who’s bagging up my records. She extends the bag to me over the surface - a large smile on her face.

“It was nice to meet you, Marlowe. Hopefully we can all hang out soon. I’m sure you and Harry have a lot to catch up on.”

For some reason, that simple phrase causes a knot to grow in my throat, and I force a smile. “Yeah, I bet. See you around.”

Turning towards the door, I keep my head down as I walk past Harry, and once I’m outside, I let out a breath that I didn’t even know I had been holding in. I quickly get in my car, and I’m thankful that I had parked facing away from the windows of the building as I place my records in the passenger seat. I stare blankly at my steering wheel as I take a minute to gather myself.

This was a mistake. I should’ve never moved back here.

I should’ve just planted roots somewhere else given my parents had moved, but I just felt so drawn to come back here. This was the place that gave me inspiration to start music in the first place, and I figured it would be good to write my first album here. It seems that now I was terribly mistaken. The thought of having to worry about seeing Harry everywhere I go will eventually take its toll on me. All of my years of therapy will be washed down the drain.

After taking a few more moments to collect myself, I start my car, and I head off in the direction of the art gallery I had looked up earlier today to try to get my mind off this whole encounter.

●・○・●・○・●

It had been a few days since running into Harry at the record store, and mentally, I was doing better with it than I thought I was going to. I expected my mind to race once I laid down in bed that night, but that didn’t happen. Thankfully, I distracted myself with hanging up the new art I got while playing a couple new records, and I think that helped get my mind off of it.

Kailey had texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted to go out for a few drinks later, and I agreed. I had seen her a couple times since I got back, mostly because she came over and helped me with a lot of the painting I did in my house, but this was going to be the first time that we were actually going out.

It’s exciting to me, to be honest. Yes, I’ve been traveling and going out here and there for the past few years, but I haven’t really gone out with a friend in so long - not since I left.

I went for a rather simple look tonight - just a pair of ripped black skinny jeans, a cropped white tee and my leather jacket. Of course, my platform boots were on my feet.

Since it was a little up in the air how much we would end up drinking tonight, I decided to order myself an uber, and I made sure I had my cards, keys and phone before heading out the door. I only had to wait a couple minutes for my Uber to arrive, and as I got into the back seat, Kailey sent me a text to tell me she was on the way as well.

I’m hoping that by going out tonight that it gives me a better outlook on deciding to move back to LA. After the encounter with Harry, it did have me questioning everything, even though I didn’t spiral as bad as I thought that I would. I’ve managed to keep up a pretty good relationship with Kailey, despite being gone, so I’m more than hopeful that we’ll fall back into our old ways.

I know that I have my band, and Lys, but it’ll be nice to feel like I have close friends again.

I pull up to the agreed location just a few minutes after getting in the car since it’s not too far from my house, and I step inside. I’m looking around for Kailey, but I don’t see her yet, so I decide to make my way to the bar to go ahead and order a drink.

As I’m waiting behind a few people, I see the door open again out of the corner of my eye, and I see Kailey.

“Kailey!” I call over to the noise of the music, and I watch her eyes wander around for a moment before they settle on me.

She smiles wide, and waves her hand high in the air before she starts to make her way over to me. Once she reaches me, we wrap our arms around each other in a big hug, and I let out a small sigh at how nice it feels to have contact with someone like this. It wasn’t too common for me these days.

“How are you?” I ask as we move up a bit towards the bar, both of us with our arms now crossed over our chests.

“I’m good, just got off of work, and I came straight here. How about you? Did you finally get everything settled at the house?”

I nod, feeling a sense of pride that I have gotten myself all situated. “I did, actually. I picked up a few more art pieces earlier this week to fill some empty space on the walls that I had, but I think everything is officially in place. You’ll have to come over for dinner and a movie night sometime.”

“Oh, I’d love that!” Kailey exclaims with a toothy grin. “It’ll be just like old times.”

Eventually it’s our turn, and I order myself just a Coors Light to start. Kailey orders herself a beer as well, and then we head towards a high-top table tucked into the corner - having it be a little more secluded in the busy little bar.

“I know you’ve been super busy with the house, but have you had a chance to get out a little bit? There’s a lot that’s the same, but a lot that’s different,” Kailey says as she takes a sip of her drink.

“The day I picked up the art pieces was actually the first day I was able to do that,” I wrap both of my hands around my cool glass - tapping my fingertips against it lightly. “Went to the art gallery, but I went to the old record store before that.”

Kailey pauses her attempt at another sip at my words, and she lowers her glass back down onto the table. “You did, did you?”

“Yeah,” I sigh, shaking my head. “Saw Harry.”

Kailey’s eyes widen at my words. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, and well…that wasn’t the first time I saw him. I forgot to tell you, but I also saw him at my show.”

She stares at me for a moment with a slack jaw before she shakes her head. “Okay, wow,” she clears her throat, actually taking a large sip of her beer afterwards. “And how were both of those run-ins?”

I purse my lips to the side as I try to decide how to answer her. “Pretty unfortunate, to say the least,” I laugh sadly. “He caught me after my gig, and he pretty much just said he wanted to confirm it was me, but that he still wants to act like I don’t exist. The other day when I saw him at the record store, he was all over some girl. Rylan was her name, I think?”

“Yeah, Rylan,” Kailey rolls her eyes. “She’s something.”

“You know her?” I ask, eyebrows narrowing as I take another sip of beer.

“She hangs around with Mikey’s group of friends, and I’ve run into her a couple of times at his parties. Her and Harry have been together for a little bit from what I’ve heard,” she shrugs. “She’s younger though - 22, I think? Fucking loves to party it seems.”

“I thought you hadn’t really seen Harry.”

“Over the past few months he’s been turning up more with her, but before that I only saw him those couple times I told you about. Did he talk to you the other day at the store?”

I shake my head. “Didn’t utter a fucking word. Rylan was fangirling over me, and he just stood there…glaring. I’m sure it had to eat him up that his girlfriend was losing her mind. She wants to hang out with me too.”

Kailey throws her head back with a laugh. “I’m sorry, Marlowe, but oh my god. The poor girl is actually clueless, isn’t she?”

“It seems so. He lied to her about being at my gig. Apparently she wanted to go, and he told her that he was sick, so she stayed home in case he needed her.”

“Wow,” Kailey lifts her glass and extends it towards me. “I think we can cheers to a big ol’ ‘fuck Harry’, am I right?”

I can’t help but chuckle as I lift my glass - clinking it against hers. “You’re right.”

She hums as flails her hand in the air, as if she’s brushing the subject matter of our current conversation away. “But enough about that asshole. How’s the album coming along?”

“To be honest with you? It isn’t,” I run a hand through my hair. “I haven’t really had any inspiration hit me lately, and I know I have a meeting coming up with my label soon. I’m a bit stressed. They’re going to expect an anticipated release date, and I’m not going to be able to give that to them.”

“Well your manager, Lys, right?” I nod as she continues. “I’m sure she’s going to rally for you. She’ll make sure you get all the time you need in order to create what you want, and to put something out that you’re proud of. Don’t let them pressure you into a deadline.”

“Yeah, it’s just…it’s not a good look that this is my first album, and I can’t even get my head on straight to properly get to work on it. I’ve just been so busy with the move, but now that I have my studio set up, I’m hoping it’ll be easier to get some material together.”

“You’ve got this,” Kailey nods. “Your song writing has always been stellar, and you can come up with melodies at the drop of a hat. It’s going to all work out.”

She reaches across the table to wrap her hand around my wrist - giving it a squeeze of reassurance as we share a smile between the two of us.

Our conversation continues on, and eventually we order ourselves another round of beers. At one point, my phone lights up on the table, and I look down to see Harry’s name. My eyebrows narrow, and I swallow harshly as I stare at it. I was in need of a cigarette anyway, so I figure that answering it won’t be too much of an issue.

I can’t tell you why I’ve kept his number saved all these years. It was something I always wanted to bring up in therapy, but I never did. I guess there was a part of me that still wanted to know I could contact him in some way, if I needed to. I had also convinced myself that he probably had a new number, and the contact in my phone was just a placeholder of what used to be.

“I’m going to step out and take this call and have a smoke. I’ll be right back,” I tell Kailey as I stand up, and she gives me a thumbs up while taking a large sip from her glass.

Heading outside, I answer the phone, and I hold it between my ear and my shoulder as I pull a cigarette from my pack - placing it between my lips as I struggle to get my lighter out as well. “Hello?”

I can hear music coming through the speaker, but I don’t hear anyone speaking as I light up my cigarette. Giving it a few minutes, I roll my eyes as I lean against the building, taking a long drag before pulling the stick from my mouth.

“Harry, if you’re talking I can’t hear you.”

It’s silent again for a few seconds, and as I’m going to place my cigarette back between my lips, he speaks. “You just had to come back, didn’t you?”

I pause, the filter almost to my mouth as my face contorts. “What?”

“You heard me, Marlowe,” his words are slurring, and I close my eyes when I realize he’s extremely drunk. “You just had to fucking come back here.”

I’ve never been around Harry drunk, therefore I’ve never known what he could sound like, but right now he sounds even less like my Harry than ever before.

“Well, it is my hometown,” I scoff before taking another drag.

“Did you come back here just to torture me for leaving your stupid little band?”

I blow out smoke towards the sky before I answer him. “It wasn’t just my band, Harry, it was ours. But no, I wanted to spend some time at home. I haven’t really been able to within the past three years.”

“Why?” Harry chuckles darkly into the phone. “You don’t have anyone here anyway. Your parents have moved - no siblings.”

I bite down on my bottom lip as Harry brings up my relationship with my parents. He knows they love me, but he also knows we’re not very close. They’ve been to a few of my shows here and there, and they’ve made it clear they’re proud of me. That’s all I can really ask for.

“Thanks for that,” I try to keep my cool - playing up my sarcasm to cope with his comment. “I had completely forgotten my family dynamic.”

“I’m just saying, there’s not a single person who truly wants you here.”

“That’s funny,” I mumble around the filter of my cigarette. “Because I’m actually out for drinks with Kailey as we speak.”

It’s silent again, but I continue to hear the muffled music in the background, so I know he’s still there.

“Okay, I’m hanging up now, Harry. This call is absolutely pointless.”

“Just one more thing before you go,” Harry’s voice holds a tone that I’ve never heard before.

I wait.

“I left the band because I couldn’t stand being around your stuck up attitude. You’re so fucking full of yourself, Marlowe. So fucking selfish,” he spits, and my lips part at the harsh words he casts my way. “You going solo like you did just proves you were going to use us, and then leave us out to dry once you made it. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with you anymore because of how you were acting - how you’re probably still acting.”

I can’t even find the words to respond to what he’s just said to me. Never in my life has he spoken to me in such a way, or said such hurtful things - things that he has to know aren’t true. As much as I want to prove that to him, I know in the end it’s pointless.

This Harry doesn’t want explanations or reasoning. This Harry is already set in his ways and his thinking. Arguing with him would be like arguing with a brick wall.

“You’re talking out of your ass right now, and you’re clearly drunk,” I toss my cigarette to the ground, snuffing it out with the toe of my boot. “I’m actually going to hang up now. Don’t call me again. Goodbye, Harry.”

My hands shake as I hang up my phone - slipping it into the back pocket of my jeans. I suck in a deep breath as I drop my head back to rest against the brick behind me.

As much as that call should upset me even more, I think it’s not because I’ve actually come to the realization now, more than ever, that Harry is not the same person. He will never be again. I’ve already mourned who he used to be. I’ve already worked through that trauma to a point where I feel comfortable dealing with the little bit that still remains.

That man on the phone was not someone who used to be my best friend. He’s a complete stranger.

I let out a deep breath before making my way back into the bar, and Kailey sends me a smile. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, that was Harry.”

“Come again?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Can we just get some shots?” I laugh, and she nods as she pushes herself up from the table.

“Oh, I’m about to get you two back to back,” she says, guiding me to sit back down. “I’ll be just a minute.”

My eyes follow Kailey as she pushes through people to make her way back to the bar, and I fiddle with my fingers on top of the surface in front of me.

I have to come to terms with the fact that I’ll probably be seeing a lot of Harry now, especially if what Kailey said is true about Rylan hanging out with people who Mikey knows. Maybe it’ll end up being a good thing - it’ll be the true closure I need to just lay it all to rest. It was already seeming to be going in that direction anyway.

It’s only a few minutes later that Kailey is back with a small serving tray with two more beers and a total of four shots.

“We’re getting drunk,” she tells me as she sets everything down. “And we’re not going to talk about that dickhead anymore.”

We each grab a shot glass and raise it in the air. “Fuck Harry Styles,” I say, repeating her cheers from earlier, but adding his last name to it - to really feel it.

Kailey smirks as she nods.

“Fuck Harry Styles.”

●・○・●・○・●

A/N: If you'd like to see what I picture Kailey and Rylan to look like as well, I've included their pictures below! Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you all very soon for the next one.

Kailey

Rylan

●・○・●・○・●

Taglist: @daydreamingofmatilda @prettygurl-2009 @ghoststyles @lillefroe @gem1712 (if you’d like to be added to my taglist, please send me a DM!)

61 notes · View notes

stergeon · 5 months

Text

at some point i will figure out how to write the post-canon, post-empire edelgard autonomy fic of my dreams. it just feels like a very big task and maybe like with playing the dane, i’m simply not old and traumatized enough to manage it yet.

but my vision is thus: it’s set years (realistically, decades) after the end of crimson flower, when everything has gone as right as it can possibly go. fódlan is thriving. the social reforms have taken effect. the nobility system is nearly eliminated, if not entirely so, with titles made merely symbolic. social mobility, welfare, and prosperity are high. there’s an explosion in arts and culture and technology. brigid and duscur have gained independence; relations with sreng and almyra are much improved; heck, maybe they've even figured it out with dagda. in my most idealistic version, leicester and faerghus would eventually be ceded back to become autonomous regions, essentially disbanding the adrestian empire. rule is no longer hereditary, but merit-based. there's a roadmap for the future, and everything is on track—and more than that, people at all points on the power spectrum have already seen it bear fruit. with or without edelgard, it will be pursued. there's buy-in. they believe.

of course, it's not perfect—nothing can be—but edelgard's vision has been fulfilled. the people are empowered. humanity is free. fódlan has healed.

and somehow, she's had enough time to resolve her goals outside of politics, too. those who slither in the dark have been eradicated. edelgard and lysithea's second crests have been successfully removed, allowing them to live if not full lives, then substantially longer ones than they would have with their twin crests intact. who knows—maybe she finally gets around to having that wedding.

point for point, every item listed in edelgard's manifesto has been checked off. the ghosts of her past have been laid to rest. she can finally take off her crown. she can finally pursue the quiet, humble life she's wanted for so long. she can finally breathe.

... but can she?

edelgard is nothing if not driven. her intelligence, vision, and sheer willpower allowed her to plan and execute a revolution against two countries and the most powerful institution on the continent, all while she was still a teenager. as royalty, her life was never truly hers even before she became heir to the adrestian throne, with all the additional baggage of survivor's guilt and the desire for vengeance and her need to ensure nothing that happened to her can ever happen to anyone else, ever again.

so what happens when that drive has no outlet? what happens when someone who has been constantly in motion, constantly working and planning and preparing every spare second of every day since she was fourteen years old, suddenly has to stand still? what happens when someone whose hands have been bound for so long—first literally in the dungeons of enbarr, then by the weight and responsibilities of her crown—is set free?

being edelgard, she would step away from the throne, no matter how hard it was for her to give up control. she's always been focused on the endgame, and she knows that if she doesn't let go, she'll be setting the wrong tone for fódlan's future. she's too devoted to that endgame to cling to power much longer than she needs to, though i could see her making some excuses and trying to iron out just a few more things to buy herself some more time to mentally prepare before she's done for good.

but who would she be then? who is the woman without the crown? what becomes of a machine once it is no longer needed, when it has made itself obsolete? what about when that machine is a person with legs and arms and an innate unwillingness to gather dust on a shelf?

what happens when you get everything you want? what happens when all your wanting has been for others to thrive, and now you have to want only for yourself? how do you discover who you are when you've spent decades being everything for everyone else? how do you find meaning again? how do you find purpose?

after a lifetime of devotion and passion and movement, how do you learn to sit with yourself, and be quiet, and be still?

gosh, i would love to meet her. i would love to pick her brain. but boy, i do not envy the work that girl has to do.

#sterge.rtf #fire emblem #fe3h #edelgard von hresvelg #realistically edelgard is not getting all of this done in her lifetime. but that wouldn't keep her from stepping away anyway #'cause a funny thing happened to edelgard during the crimson flower route: she learned to have faith again.#so even if she couldn't check every box and fix every societal ill she'd still be able to pass the crown to the next ruler.#maybe not without fear. but with confidence. with optimism. with the belief that she's leaving the world better than she found it.#she'd have faith in her people. faith in the future. faith in the groundwork she's laid. faith in the systems she's put in place.#faith that her vision will be carried out with or without her.#and that faith would allow her to eventually let go.#i so love edelgard pulling a george washington and saying nah i'm good on power. peace #though unfortunately i could also see her pulling a teddy roosevelt #and saying nah i'm good on power. peace. wait what are you doing. you're ruining it. you're bungling everything. i can't believe this #and making several (failed and increasingly insane) attempts to get back into politics #who is the taft to edelgard's ted tho. i don't want to do ferdinand the disservice of saying it's him even though i think it's very funny.#it's literally the opposite of his character as taft notoriously sniffed roosevelt's farts for a long time #until he finally pulled his head out of the guy's ass and realized there are other smells. such as the sewer. and garbage.#smells which he pursued quite happily much to ol ted's chagrin #meanwhile ferdinand does not think anything of edelgard's ass except that his is definitely better-looking than hers #(he's wrong on so many levels but you try telling the guy that)#in fact ferdinand has always taken great joy in pointing out all the things that smell better than edelgard does #which gives him an instant up on mr Take-Advice-From-Theodore #all this to say i think ferdinand von aegir would have been a much better president than william howard taft. that's just my opinion.#i'm getting off the rails in these tags idk what's wrong with me #sorry for equating your blorbos to long-dead american politicians everyone. i know this is a cardinal sin #also please don't take this to mean i think positively of washington or roosevelt or taft or whatever.#i hate all dead old white guys who ever held a modicum of power #i just had a hyperfixation on american presidents when i was in grade school and unfortunately now my brain works like this

50 notes · View notes

ryuuthefluffybunny · 2 years

Text

*~how to work on your inner child~*

the way i think of the inner child is it is the you from the past who existed freely, without restraint. it holds the hopes and dreams you had before they were crushed. who you were before you were molded to become better fit for society. they still have all the little quirks that people found annoying, they still believe in the goodness of world. they still believe in you. and this person is still inside of you, hiding, waiting to feel accepted.

there will be 2 piles and im using the inner child oracle by amanda hails(they each have a passage and i will quote it) and motivational cards. ill put an inner child exercise at the end

*sorry for the awkwardly lit pictures i had to aim a flashlight at them so my shadow didnt cover everything :p i just wanted to include them because the art in the inner child deck is so beautiful and its def one of my favorite decks to the point where i bought two initially and gave one to my sibling*

♡ Pile 1 ♡

inner child: Remember the good “In life, it can be easy to focus on what is missing, on what could be better. But if that is where our attention stays, it will hinder us in being able to absorb the magic of living. Take time today to purposefully acknowledge the good things in your life, those that are around you and those that you have accomplished.”

motivational: “Love overcomes every obstacle”, “It doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger”, “Escape the ordinary”

life feels monotonous, and that is because nothing you do is ever enough. you were taught in the past to stick to the status quo and endlessly grind for progression. yet, no matter how much you accomplish, you find yourself bored and unsatisfied with the results because what you are working on is not something that is authentic to yourself. you may be good at it, you may be an expert even, but it doesn't excite or fulfill you in the slightest. it feels easy to you, and then it feels like you are doing even less. and due to how you feel, you undermine how much you have achieved. its time to take an unbiased look at your life and what you have accomplished. to look at every aspect and really ask yourself what you have and how it truly makes you feel, outside of your autopilot. it would be beneficial to ground yourself to make it easier to do this. you can do this by going through each part of your day and actively asking yourself, is this something i enjoy? perhaps more than i thought? there may be some things you are bored of that actually give you more joy than you realize. and similarly, there might be some things you do without thinking that don't really add to your day, they could even take from it. finally, ask yourself openly, what things do you truly love ? is there something from the past that still haunts your mind? something you regret not pursuing? there is a feeling that it’s too late for you now. you feel so settled into this unfulfilling life that you would feel completely upended if you changed now. but you absolutely can change. life is ever changing like a river, and if you try to be a rock that stays still instead of going with the flow, it will only erode away at you instead of taking you to see and experience new things. try to become more fluid and adaptable, and you may find yourself having a lot more fun!

exercise: imagine talking to yourself from the past. ask them, what do you love about life? what do you want to do with your life? what makes you excited, gives you the motivation to live? what fills your world with color? then imagine telling them what you do now. how would they react to the future you have told them?

♡ Pile 2 ♡

inner child: Emotions are the reflection “Emotions can often be a reflection of how a present event affects our inner child. When an emotion comes out that does not make sense to you, take a moment to sit with it. Ask yourself, what is this emotion attached to inside of me that goes beyond what I am experiencing now? Journaling is a good exercise to explore these emotions further”

Pull yourself close “Our inner being longs for us to reside as one. It is now time to pull close all of the places inside of us that we wish were not there. Imagine embracing yourself in acceptance, the “”good” parts, the “bad” parts, the “missing” places and the “broken” pieces. Knowing that every place inside of you is worthy of the greatest love.

motivational cards: “Say yes to new adventures”, “You look GREAT today”

you are someone who avoids their feelings. this leads to them sitting in the back of the mind, where your subconscious ruminates on them. often times your reaction to things may not seem proportional to what has occurred, or even unrelated to a degree. this leads to a feeling of self loathing because you feel like you don’t make sense and you overreact to things and just make problems. this makes you feel even more disconnected from yourself, and it begins an endless cycle of confusing emotions which you don't understand causing insecurity, dislike, or even hatred of yourself. you feel broken, ugly, and like you just bring things down. what is happening is the feelings you push down inside don't disappear, they permeate into everything you experience as well as fester and become more than they were initially. every time you have a little upset, you are triggered about these unrelated feelings you have. and each time it feels more grandiose. your mind is calling out to you to deal with these past emotions of yours, every time you have any sort of negative emotions or experiences. and then because they are more difficult to deal with every time, you continue to push down new feelings, to repeat in the same cycle as the past ones. it is time to deal with all the things still haunting you, possibly from years ago, as well as the new feelings you may get. when you are experiencing negative emotions, it would be beneficial to find it within yourself to experience them fully rather than compartmentalize. something i always tell myself as i experience emotions is “this too will pass” as all things, good and bad, will end. in the moment of experiencing these negative things, it feels long and tiring, but the light is at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to find it. you are a strong person, and one by one, you can slowly acknowledge and accept the feelings which you have tried so hard to hide. they are done hiding, and its time you listened rather than censoring yourself. take the dedication you had to staying stoic and become someone who can experience themselves fully. emotions are what make us human as well as individuals, and eventually you will see the beauty of them, as they help us interpret and understand the world. it may be a completely new concept to you, but at the end of it you will have a self understanding and awareness like you never thought possible.

inner child exercise: imagine yourself from the past, sobbing uncontrollably. how do you feel about this image? if it is negative, ask yourself why you feel that way. has someone influenced the way you react to pain? and then ask your past self, what hurt them so deeply? was it a way they were treated or something that was said to them? often times deeply rooted pain can stem from childhood from parental or adult figures. was the reaction negative when you expressed emotions in the past? think about how you would comfort your past self as they cry. identify how you wanted to be treated in moments of vulnerability, and imagine your present self doing so to the past crying self. if you wanted a hug, imagine hugging them. if you wanted to be told everything is okay, tell them that. if you wanted to be reminded that you are loved, tell them you love them ♡

#tarot reading #inner child #self love #pick a pile #tarot #free tarot card reading #advice #spirituality

47 notes · View notes

felizusnavidad · 4 months

Note

I am so close to putting my two weeks in without a job lined up.

I'm sorry but I honestly can't stand it here at this company anymore (it's retail); I like my coworkers and my manager when she's not micromanaging and being annoying, but it is very stagnant here and there is no growth beyond assistant manager. It's quite boring at times. I've come to hate talking to people too (mostly because we're forced to lol, and she is very on your a** about it.) I've been here since the fall of 2021. I've been applying to fashion and entertainment public relations agencies nonstop because creative marketing is what I want to do. I swear retail is the only industry that's hiring right now... I don't want to pursue retail management though, I want a 9-5 job that has the weekends + holidays off and where I can have fun and enjoy what I do, which is be creative. Teamwork, creative projects, collaborating... I want to marry my love for the fine arts and fashion industry together.

Sorry for the negativity, I just needed to let this out to someone, and that someone had to be you... :')

ok, wow, where do i start.

so first of all, i am actually flattered you chose me (although i am wondering why? i always thought i suck at giving advice but it's nice to know someone might have a different opinion). & second: i can't tell for sure but i feel like you wrote to me before, so we are basically friends at this point, no need to apologize 🤭

anon, quit your job. ok, that sounds scary & impulsive, but believe me or not, i was struggling with the same kind of thing last year. working in retail is probably the worst thing EVER, one customer can literally ruin your whole day, and, like you said, there is no growth in most places. once you quit your job, you are pretty much forced to look for something else (& that worked for me, cause i was too lazy before i quit but then i did so i had to), it's a risk but it's much better than suffering at your current place. it just makes you depressed... the only difference between us is that you actually know exactly what you want to do, i didn't (& i still don't, i'm just trying to find something that would be right for me lol), and this is already half the battle. and from what i can tell, you are working very hard to fulfill your dream & i'm sure everything is about to change for you pretty soon. i may know absolutely nothing about the industry you're talking about but if you can let yourself take a little break from working for a while to just breathe & maybe focus on what you really want to do & try a little bit more (and by that i mean: you're gonna have much more time to look for a job you want, so use it!), do it! this is what we need sometimes. and it has to work out eventually, right? i assume you are good at what you want to do & please don't you ever give up on that dream, it may take some time but someone will finally appreciate you, i'm sure of it.

be brave & you're gonna be fine. just breathe.

i don't know if any of this makes sense, i'm sorry, i'm pretty chaotic. but i believe in you & i wish you all the best, i truly hope you're gonna find what you're looking for.

#if it gave you a little bit of hope that's good #i didn't plan it to be so long so sorry #i have so many thoughts in my head #the point is you're gonna be fine #& sometimes quitting your job is the best decision because it stops you from so many things you could do #but also sometimes you just need to breathe #i am keeping my fingers crossed for you #i know you can do it #you are strong smart & brave #everything will be just fine #sending hugs 🫂#daisy anon #i saved every letter you wrote me*

4 notes · View notes

kuromichad · 2 years

Text

hi. good evening. it's my best bro mike's birthday, or was on the 30th (it's well past midnight here now), and yes i'm drunk as has been the case most times i've posted here for all of 2022. i had a good time tonight, mike taught a group of us about league of legends lore since he's been invested in it for a long time and never told us anything about it until more recently. i value that.

this year has been weird and bad. our friend lex died of suicide at the end of june and everything has been extra off kilter ever since then. in my time away from tumblr for the past year-plus, i've spent most of my online life in a discord server of just eight people who've all known each other since 2019 at the latest, if not 2016 as the average or 2013 at the oldest, and losing one of those eight is uh, pretty world-wrecking. it's part of why i'm very drunk right now. i have an addictive personality and genetics, but also, i think alcohol abuse is a normal and sympathetic part of grief. it's come up a lot since the end of june.

i haven't missed tumblr for anything other than visuals in the past year. i do miss being casually exposed to new art, whether in the form of aesthetic posts about 90s performance art or recent low-budget movies or insta posts by strangers with similar tastes. so i might be coming back soon for those sakes. i don't know yet if it'll be on this account or the new one i made at the beginning of this year, planning to come back to tumblr before i got overwhelmed by fear of the embedded terfism here.

i'm just under a month short of two years on testosterone now. it's been a very good choice, and every day i'm relieved that i didn't let the womanhoodposting on here prevent me from pursuing it. just today i found an overlong hair in the middle of my left cheek, indicating that sometime soon my sideburns will join up with all my chin hairs and then maybe sometime after that i'll have a real beard. i'm happy about that. i like being a man.

next week i'm going to disneyland, as a delayed birthday trip, because june in anaheim is too hot. i've struggled a lot with how i feel that over the course of 2020 i lost the very characterizing investment i had in theme parks as something inspirational and expressive of a broader human urge to make good, sweet, transporting things. i still don't know what to replace that investment with; it's hard, still, ever since 2020, to feel like anything on earth is genuinely good. i don't have anything that i feel i can make fawning posts about the depth and meaningfulness of, even after replacing my theme park interest with kpop. which of course causes bouts of creative rut and insecurity about my kpop fic production; it feels like i have nothing to Say, the way i used to, about relationships with those fics. i'm on a pseudo-break right now from my rpf twitter because i just hate everything i've ever produced. but that's not really a fair outlook. i think that continuing to create even when you aren't sure what you're trying to say can be valuable; others can read an intent or politic into what you express even if you didn't intend it. i think it's not really my fault that pandemic trauma and then, more recently, grief trauma, have left me disconnected from what i might Truly Mean when i create things. but idk.

idk if anyone who was following me last year even cares! but it's good to just sort of write this out. i had a brief bout, in may and june of this year, of writing out my feelings in this way as journal entries on gaiaonline, because our friend prin encouraged a bunch of us in that eight-person, now seven-person, discord to join. it was satisfying. but i slipped out of the habit of logging into gaia after lex passed because i haven't been able to shake the feeling of wishing that lex had joined, that lex had gotten to indulge in making avatars that suit their tastes, because i think they would have been the best at it out of all of us. they had style, they had aesthetic cohesion. i don't know.

i'm unsure when or if i'll ever return to gaia, so here's my journal entry. a good portion of you endured my humiliatingly ultra-confessional posts for years and years before now, so i won't be too apologetic about this post. hi. idk if i'm back. but this is how i've been doing. good as an arc away from tumblr; maybe bad as a recent development. life is like that. how are you?

20 notes · View notes

lgchiro · 11 months

Text

OPEN EVENT #005 — personality tests

Word Count: 658 words (not including blockquoted information) Points Earned: +1 ACTING, +1 HOSTING/MCING, +1 PERFORMING, +1 VARIETY, +4 KOREAN

Hiroto has never been interested in taking personality tests. He likes to think he is and tries to be self-aware, and any flaws will be apparent to him so he can try to improve. Plus, he always thought focusing so much on yourself to be a bit... egotistical? Maybe that's not the right word. His English isn't the best, you know.

mbti;

First, Hiroto took the MBTI test. This test he knew quite a bit about due to its popularity among idols. Having never taken it before, he was eager to find out his type. The results were that Hiro is an ISFP.

The introversion, the letter I, didn't surprise him. He would prefer to be alone and keep to himself if he has been mildly social for too long, and he definitely has to recharge by himself until his social energy is replenished. It's difficult to find that alone time, so he uses the studio at night to be sure he won't be interrupted — although, so he's learned, people do tend to interrupt: the insomniacs and night owls that thrive with him after practice once everybody has left, typically when it is quiet, usually far into midnight or later.

The second letter, S (meaning observant), was incredibly obvious to him. Hiro always lives in the moment, and his impulsivity can get him into trouble. He's impatient and acts quickly instead of analyzing his options. At least you can always tell his reactions are genuine.

The feeling (F) result surprised Hiro. He wants desperately to be smart, and he likes to think he's analytical (especially about poetry, music, and art), but realistically, he's kind of simple-minded. He says whatever comes to mind without much thought and really relies on his emotions to make decisions.

Finally, P, or prospecting, was by far the most expected result. Again, he is impulsive and very good at coming up with things on the spot. This is why Hiro is a much better freestyler, both with his rapping and dancing.

enneagram;

Hiroto took the enneagram test knowing zero information about it, so he was sure his biases about himself weren't going to influence his answers on the questionnaire. He ultimately got Type 7 - The Enthusiast. From the Enneagram Institute website, the traits he read about were:

extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined.

This seemed completely off base from Hiro's personality. On the contrary, he is introverted, notably realistic if not a bit cynical, and definitely disciplined. Why did he get this result? Moving on to the Truity website, he read that Type 7s are:

defined by their desire to experience everything life has to offer while avoiding pain and boredom. They appear to others to be lively, fun-loving and hedonistic.

Now, that is more like it. That is truly his passion in life (other than the more specific: music), pursuing excitement and avoiding boredom. It's the Sagittarius in him. He's adventurous and always down to try new things, so on the second site at least, this seems to be true.

daemon;

Hiro also knew nothing about what a daemon was going into this, but he got the Mustelid, which he also had never heard of before, but apparently it's a type of weasel. According to this quiz, Mustelids are:

sneaky and inquisitive people who don't take no for an answer when there's something they want. They aren't afraid of breaking rules to get to where they want and are naturally subtle and cheeky individuals.

To some degree, this holds true for Hiro. He is inquisitive, but he wouldn't consider himself sneaky unless he was sneaking off to the studio to be alone. However, he's not exactly a rule-breaker, but he is certainly subtle. Though not knowing much about what a Mustelid meant, Hiro accepts this result happily and will continue to work on his weasel impression.

overview;

Hiroto, despite his proclaimed great self-awareness, was a bit surprised and enlightened about his results during this event. He was definitely eager to update his profile on the trainees' site to show the fans what he is about and hopefully they will anticipate more content from him in the future!

#⋆　┊　〔　EVENT !　〕#⋆　┊　〔　SOLO !　〕#⋆　┊　〔　OPEN EVENT : 005 !　〕#⋆　┊　〔　WC : 658 !　〕#lgc:personality

2 notes · View notes

dreamyace1 · 1 year

Text

My real college application essay

hello, lovely folks. this is my very first Tumblr post! my heart is full and warm as I am writing this — just the natural occurrence when about to share your story on making the perhaps most important decision in your life so far :)

Life update: yesterday was the last day of my "real" freshman year. I cannot control myself from being emotional and getting sentimental because of how incredibly meaningful this chapter has been. A year ago, I was lost, uncertain of how much more difficult will it take to succeed in taking the path that I truly wanted, acting particularly against what my parents had dreamt for me.

From the brink of an unacquainted-with mountain to now walking through flowered valleys, I am so thankful that I took the courage to swim against the current and eternally grateful to the individuals, especially my older sister, for supporting me to do so. I cannot emphasize my excitement more about the upcoming years of still being with the exceptional friends I made this year and growing more as a person.

This was my (essay) entry when I was applying to transfer to Arts and Letters at the University of Santo Tomas:

(July 30, 2022)

"Perhaps It’s Thrice"

By: Raymond Vince G. Manaloto

I once heard that in all of literature, Ulysses, despite being popularly noted as having the best ending, a much more insightful and authentic closing can be found in Sentimental Education by Gustave Flaubert. In its final events, nothing really happens — just two old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them. You may wonder how one remembers something that never happened in the first place. Well, fondly. Looking in, Flaubert considered anticipation to be the purest and most consistent type of pleasure. While things that happen to you will often, if not always, disappoint you, those that never happen to you will never dull, never fade. They will always be etched in your heart with a deep sweet melancholy. It seems like, as far as I can remember, this has been unfortunately and fortunately, my life story since day one.

Ever since I was just but a clueless child, I have always felt ambiguous with the environment I was surrounded in, having no sense of belonging to touch. I perpetually felt I was born with a sensitive soul, feeling things profoundly. Perhaps this is the root of why I have always been strongly drawn to writing, language, and literature. When you deeply see and experience things in this world, these areas are easily the closest avenue you can hold onto. Being raised in a dysfunctional family, with my mother often an irascible person when I was a kid, my father working overseas before I was even born, and my older sister sharing the problems of a troubled child I similarly had, altogether being actively engaged in the arduous faith and belief we had in our household, and co-existing with the set of human beings we were hedged upon, writing down my feelings and thoughts on a paper became a solace of mine.

I had my first taste of engaging myself in serious encounters with crafting my curiosities and interests during sixth grade. My classmates saw my love and talent for writing, and somehow that led me to join the school newspaper as a feature writer. Little did I know that I would consistently become a part of various school presses until finishing high school, acting in assorted positions in student journalism, such as being an editorial writer in tenth grade. And although I attended a science high school during my eleventh and twelfth, I was never as interested in the sciences as I am in the arts. Sadly, my family could not afford to support me in pursuing my aspirations. Oh yes, the "Practicality versus passion" bit. It may be a worn cliché, but this struggle has been an extremely real and tremendously difficult obstacle I have grappled with. At some point, I agree that deciding what you desire to be and plan to do in the future, and how it would essentially look, at the age of eighteen, which I am just now realizing is so very young, is a brutal event in our lives.

I was a high school senior when the Pandemic struck and disrupted the pace of our modern society. You got to feel for me when I say that spending what is meant to be the most significant and fun year of a person's high school life in an academic online setting is one of the worst and most traitorous things the universe can give a young student. As graduation (still virtual) was nearing that time, I progressively felt the incessant pressures as to which institution I would attend and what program I would be majoring in. There is certainly an underlying family and cultural pressure to specialize in science, particularly medicine and engineering, in college, especially in Asian countries. It was greatly heightened even more during the pandemic; this is perhaps the primary reason my family urged me to pursue a bachelor of science in biology on the road to becoming a physician. I knew from the start that if this were the program I would major in, I'd soon be floundering with my schooling, which was a huge concern I expressed to my parents, particularly my mother. I tried only my best to convince them that I would be better off pursuing arts. But tragically, I was compelled to go through a semester of studying biology and subfields of sciences I am not engrossed in at all. Although it might seem that during this time, I was in a chapter where of doubt, that was not the case at all — I realized that even when I was in a science high school or in my rudimentary taxing time in college majoring in a program I did not like, I was still always tending to my passionate curiosities; no wonder why my highest marks were in the general subject Readings in Philippine History, (lol) and similar fields of study where I was willing to give my heart and go the extra million miles. Nonetheless, it was a pipe dream—a lousy, impossible, and bittersweet fantasy.

For as long as I can remember, I have constantly longed for subtle things in life imperative to my being and what I am made of, but they never seem to come or burst into life. A quality time with my father. A tad of love and understanding from my mother. Requited affection from a gorgeous human being I am not supposed to fall in love with, yet gives mixed signals or from any fellow for that matter. A dream that is meant to be pursued recklessly, much like a carefree lionhearted four-year-old kid dreaming of being a superhero. The long-overdue emancipation, to be honest, to break free, and become the person I simply want to be. Because no matter how much words can be beautiful, endearing, humorous, insightful, moving, or powerful, life is meant to be, well, lived.

They say writers get to live life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. But personally, I'd like to believe that for some, perhaps it's thrice—others like me, who need a bit of breaking free first. I recently learned that the phrase "life or death" happens to be incorrectly put together. Technically speaking, birth is the antonym for death. But life…it has no opposite. Life is not an extreme, but rather a mean. And so, living should be filled with colorful moments when opportunities, whether amiable or scary, encroach on you and you let them come to you and make you feel alive.

As much as how writing is greatly intertwined with my sensitive soul and has guided me whenever shadows close in, I do not plan to use it only as a tool for survival. I intend to explore history and literature, study languages, and fortify my gift because I feel happy and alive in it. This is me finally breaking free from my family's and people's assertiveness, to turn to chase my dream, for although anticipation is an admirable form of pleasure as what Flaubert entailed in Sentimental Education, living life fully would always be irrevocably a magnificent most satisfying one.

#linguistics #university

2 notes · View notes

vgckwb · 2 years

Text

P5R: Rebel Girl (A FeMC Story/P5R Rework) Chapter 115: Alone Together

Wednesday Morning, Ren woke up to a strange series of texts from Yusuke.

Yusuke: Makoto is incredibly thorough.

Yusuke: I told her I needed a break from working on this secret project of hers.

Yusuke: As it just so happens, I also need to refresh myself on my artistry.

Yusuke: Summer is almost over, so come fall, I’ll need to get back to work.

Yusuke: Would you mind helping me do something today?

Ren: Um, sure?

Yusuke: Thank you!

Yusuke: meet me at the station.

Ren shrugged, unsure of several things about this series of messages, but thought it would be best to help out. She got herself ready, had breakfast, and headed out.

Once she met Yusuke at the station, Yusuke said “Thank you for coming.”

Ren nodded. “Um, I know you talked about it before, but what is this secret project of Makoto’s you’re working on?”

Yusuke sighed. “I’d rather not talk about it now. Besides, she might let you in on it if she thinks it’s a good idea.”

“Great,” Ren said, still unsure.

“But today, we are focusing on my art,” Yusuke said. “As you know, I’m a bit stuck. So I’ve thought about it, and I believe I need to see Madarame’s house again.”

“Huh. That’s a little unconventional,” Ren said.

“Hm. I take that as a compliment,” Yusuke said. “Anyways, shall we?”

Ren nodded. “Sure.”

“Very well then,” Yusuke said. “Tally ho!” He started walking to his old abode, with Ren following him. Once they arrived, Yusuke stopped and stared. “Huh. It…feels different than the last time I was here.”

“Well, the last time you were here, police were there taking evidence away,” Ren pointed out.

“True,” Yusuke said. “Let’s head in.” He grabbed the doorknob and tried to open it, but the door wouldn't move. “It’s stuck.”

“Let me try,” Ren said. With her finesse, she managed to open the door.

“How’d you do that?” Yusuke asked.

“In my hometown, there’s this abandoned building that kids like to use as a test of courage,” Ren said. She got a little more somber. “Sometimes I went there just to be alone.”

“I see…” Yusuke said. “To be honest, I sort of know the feeling. Whenever Madarame was feeling particularly cruel, I would sometimes hide in the closet just to be alone too.”

Ren smiled. “Well, luckily, we don’t need to be alone anymore.”

“Hm. You’re right,” Yusuke said. “Let’s head in now, shall we?” Ren nodded, and the two headed in. Once inside,Yusuke looked around, slightly surprised. “Huh. I mean, I guess the police did take everything, but…”

“You alright?” Ren asked.

“Yes,” Yusuke answered. “Well, I mean… Maybe. I don’t know.” He looked around some more. “I know this place is empty, but I remember where everything was. I remember when there was more than just me, we would gather around over here and discuss things. Sometimes art, sometimes it was things we found interesting, sometimes it was nothing at all.

And here. We’d share our art with everyone. We’d offer each other tips and suggestions. Truly, it was a place of pure art. However, as I’m sure you’re aware, there was a lingering darkness too, and one by one, people left.

I tried convincing myself that the darkness wasn’t there for a long time. That this was a place of pure art. But I suppose we all have to wake up from dreams eventually. But I still feel like I’m in the clutches of this dream.

Ever since leaving here, I thought I had everything under control, but I feel more lost than ever. I thought that now without Madarame-sensei, I could pursue art without being tainted, but I somehow feel even more tainted.” He gasped. “Look at me. I’m still calling him ‘sensei’. Maybe I’m more lost than I thought.”

“Who’s there?!” a voice called out.

“Uh-oh,” Yusuke said. “Maybe we didn’t think this through.”

“Is there a place we can hide?” Ren wandered.

Before Yusuke could answer, the man came into the room they were in. “Oh, it’s you,” he said.

Yusuke was surprised. “Wait, you’re the man from the exhibit.”

He nodded. “My name is Akiko Kawanabe, the director of the Japanese Art Support Foundation.”

“I see,” Yusuke said.

“I take it you're in here because you feel lost?” Kawanabe asked.

“How’d you know?” Yusuke replied.

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my time,” Kawanabe answered. “I was walking by here on my way home, when I noticed the door was open. I just wanted to check to see if vandals were here.”

“I see. I guess that makes sense,” Yusuke said. “So, what do you intend to do now?”

“I should be asking you that question,” Kawanabe retorted. “You want to continue being an artist, correct?”

“More than anything,” Yusuke answered.

Kawanabe nodded. “Well then, take me card.” He pulled out his card and gave it to Yusuke. “I would like to meet with you concerning your future as an artist. For now, I should get going. And I suggest the two of you do the same.” He left.

Yusuke looked at the card; curious as to what this Kawanabe wanted. “Um,” Ren interjected, “as much as I would normally let you sit there and process everything, we should at least leave. I mean, I don’t want to get arrested again.”

Yusuke nodded. “Right.” They left and met outside of Madarame’s house.

After they got there, Ren asked “How are you feeling?”

“Well, I’m not sure,” Yusuke answered. “There’s a lot happening.”

“That’s understandable,” Ren said.

“I really thought coming here would reignite the passion I seemed to have lost,” Yusuke said. “But all it did was teach me I’m as empty as that house.”

“I don’t think you’re empty,” Ren said. “You’re always drawing or sketching something. You do all sorts of things in the name of art.”

“But I can’t seem to escape the negativity surrounding me,” Yusuke said.

“Well, you kind of did it before,” Ren reminded him. “You were the one that called the Phantom Thieves when you found out what was going on.”

“Well, I didn’t have much of a choice,” Yusuke said. “For years, I was hesitant to do anything about Madarame. But when that happened, I felt like I couldn’t stand idly by. Maybe I’m just a coward.”

“You’re not a coward,” Ren said. “You’re a kid. Making these kinds of choices is a little outside your wheelhouse, especially under the level of stress you were under.”

Yusuke sighed. “Still. I know I did the right thing, but it feels like I’m losing myself a little bit.”

Ren chuckled. Yusuke gave her a confused look. “I’m sorry, but who do you think you’re talking to? For years, I felt like I was doing the right thing and got punished for it. Even getting arrested for it.”

“Hmmm. I guess that’s true,” Yusuke said. “And it’s true that ever since I became a part of the Phantom Thieves, I’ve felt like I can be more open.”

“Me too,” Ren said.

Yusuke looked at the card again. “I feel like I should at least hear him out. I can’t get anywhere just by wallowing in the past. I need to start looking forward. Even if this doesn’t turn out exactly how I want it, I feel like I need to take the chance.”

Ren smiled. “That’s the spirit.”

“Would you mind joining me when I meet with him?” Yusuke asked. “I feel like I need a sobering presence there, and you’ve been helping me out a lot.”

“Of course,” Ren said. “And come what may, you know I’ll be rooting for you.”

Emperor-Yusuke Kitagawa: Rank 6

They grabbed a quick lunch, and then went home.

After picking up Morgana, Ren decided to go shopping for a bit. While she was out, she noticed her phone was going off. She checked, and saw a series of pictures from Ann and Ryuji celebrating that not only did they get the high score on the dancing game, but also they were a couple now.

Ren: Congrats you two!

Sumire: Way to go!

Lena: You two look so cute together!

Makoto: So, how did it happen?

Ryuji: Ann just came over and asked me out.

Makoto: Woah!

Makoto: Well, congratulations you two. On both things!

Yusuke: In a way, I’m not surprised.

Yusuke: When Ann is determined to do something, she tends to do it.

Ann: Thanks.

Ann: But it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world either.

Ann: But I’m glad I did it.

Jose: I’m also glad for you.

Jose: You two look really happy together.

Ryuji: Aw, shucks. Thanks Jose.

As Ren was reading the chat while walking around town, Morgana was looking it over as well. Ren decided to check in on Morgana. “How do you feel about this?”

Morgana was surprised. “I’m fine.” Ren stared at him. “Honest.”

“You sure?” Ren asked.

“Well, yeah,” Morgana answered. “I mean, they clearly love each other. You even told me she was interested in him before all of this. I’m happy for them.”

“It's just us here,” Ren said.

“Really, I’m fine,” Morgana countered. “If I got upset every time I didn’t get my way, I’d be no better than a palace ruler.”

“I know,” Ren said. “But it’s fine to admit you’re in pain too.”

“Well, I can’t say it doesn’t hurt just a little,” Morgana admitted. “But I’m sure it’ll fade away in due time.”

“Hm,” Ren grinned. She went back to the chat.

Ren: Morgana sends his well wishes too.

Ann: Aw, thanks Morgana.

Ryuji: Yeah. Thanks.

Ren turned back to Morgana. “I’ll get you some sushi tonight for being a good sport.”

“You don’t have to,” Morgana said.

“I insist,” Ren said.

“Thanks,” Morgana said. “Why are you being so nice to me about this?”

“Well, partially because we’re friends,” Ren answered, “but also I’ve had my heart broken in the past too. I know how it feels.”

“Well, you have Sumire now,” Morgana replied.

“And I’m sure something good is gonna come your way too,” Ren said. She continued on her way to the store.

In the evening, she and Morgana were enjoying the sushi she had gotten. As they were eating, she heard a panicked knock at the door. She looked and saw Kawakami in the window wearing her maid uniform and booking incredibly worried. She opened the door. “Hello?”

Before she could say anything, she rushed into Leblanc and hid in one of the booths. “Hide me.”

Before Ren knew what was happening, she heard a familiar voice that was out of breath. She turned to see Dr. Maruki catching his breath. He looked up to see Ren. “Amamiya-chan? What are you doing here?”

“Um, I have a few questions myself,” Ren said.

Maruki chucked. “Right. I guess this is a bit of a shock.” Maruki looked up at the sign. “Wait, this is a restaurant?”

“Yeah…” Ren answered.

“Do you live here?” Maruki asked.

“Yeah,” Ren answered.

“I see. May I come in?” Maruki said.

“Well…” Ren said, unsure.

Kawakami groaned. She sat up in the booth, dejected. “This is not going well.”

Maruki and Ren were shocked. Ren turned to Maruki and said “I guess you can come in.” Maruki nodded and walked in, sitting across from Kawakami. Ren took out some more sushi. “Do you guys want some sushi?” she asked. Morgana groaned. “I was saving them for leftovers, but if you want some…”

“I ate already,” Maruki said.

“My stomach is sick,” Kawakami answered.

“I see then,” Ren said. She put the sushi back in the fridge. Morgana was happy. Ren pulled up a chair and sat between them. “So. What is happening?”

Maruki nodded. “Well, a little while ago, I discovered a flier for a maid service company in my office. I held onto it in case I needed it. And I thought ‘well, let’s try it out tonight’. Imagine my surprise when soon after I put in my request, Miss Kawakami showed up wearing, well, this.” Kawakami groaned.

Maruki continued. “I wanted some answers, but she ran off before I could say anything. I gave chase, and we ended up here. Although why we did, I’m not entirely sure.”

“Ugh,” Kawakami grunted. “It’s because Amamiya already knows about me moonlighting as a maid.”

“Oh!” Maruki reacted.

“Well, that makes sense,” Ren said. “So, now that we’re all on the same page, what now?”

“I don’t know,” Kawakami said. “I thought I could get out of this, but I guess I can’t.”

“Um, get out of what?” Maruki asked.

Kawakami sighed. “I guess my time as a teacher has come to an end…”

Maruki was surprised. “What makes you say that?”

Kawakami glared at him. “I don’t know. Maybe because one of my coworkers found out my secret.” She sighed again. “It’s only a matter of time before you tell Principal Kobayakawa.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Maruki said. “Tell you what, my lips are sealed.” Kawakami was stunned. “I mean, that was one of the stipulations for me coming on as a therapist; I remain independent from the school.”

Kawakami was overcome with this kindness. “Right…”

Maruki stood up. “Here, take my card,” he said. He offered Kawakami his card, and she took it. “You don’t need to tell me anything now, but if you feel like you need someone to talk to, just know I’ll be there for you.”

“Th-Thanks,” Kawakami said.

Maruki nodded. “I already paid the service. You don’t need to come by, and I don’t need to say anything. I guess I’ll just try it later.”

Kawakami nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Well, I should get going,” Maruki said. “I’m a little tired. I’ve been working on my research paper all day. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Ren said.

“Goodnight,” Kawaki said as well. Maruki left Leblanc.

Ren ginned. “Well, that went better than expected, didn’t it?”

“I…guess,” Kawakami answered, still unsure. She sighed. “I just got off lucky.”

“Perhaps,” Ren said.

“That’s not very assuring,” Kawakami snidely remarked.

“I mean, two people from school know your secret,” Ren reminded her. “It seems only a matter of time before the bubble bursts.”

“It sounds like you want me to get caught,” Kawakami said.

Ren shook her head. “I want you to get out before that happens.”

Kawasaki looked at the floor. “You know why I’m doing this.”

“Yeah,” Ren answered. “I know you feel like you have to honor Takase. But if this happens again, you might even be barred from being a teacher, and then who are you helping?”

Kawakami looked up, stunned. “I…I guess…”

“I don’t claim to have all the answers,” Ren said, “but I don’t think this can be good for you”

“Hm,” Kawakami chuckled. “Maybe.” She sighed. “I guess I knew that I couldn’t keep this up forever. Maybe it’s time to stop.”

Ren smiled. “That’s the spirit.”

“Still, there’s so much I need to do,” Kawakami said. “I can’t just leave without saying anything.”

Ren giggled. “Well, I’m sure you can do what you need to. After all, you have my support. Not to mention, Dr. Maruki’s.”

“Right,” Kawakami said. “You know, it just occurred to me. Takase was all alone when I decided to help him, and I was all alone when you decided to help me.” She laughed. “Having someone on your side can be really powerful. I believed that to be my role as a teacher. But I guess I just lost it somewhere along the way.”

Ren smiled. “Well, I’m glad you’re getting it back.”

Temperance-Sadayo Kawakami: Rank 6

Kawakami stood up. “I should get going too. I still have one more house to visit tonight.”

“Take care,” Ren said. Kawakami smiled, bowed, and left.

0 notes

alloftheimaginesblog · 3 years

Text

Life Without Colour (PART SEVEN)

Soulmate AU: Your vision is in black and white until you meet your soulmate. You and your boyfriend, Steve Rogers, aren’t each others soulmates but you love each other. He introduces you to his friends, the Avengers, and a very odd thing happens.

Characters: Steve Rogers x Plus Size Female Reader, Bucky Barnes x Plus Size Female Reader

Warning: descriptions of violence, death, gunshot, blood, break in, bad guys, swearing, angst, dramatic

Note; hope u like it! this is OVER 8000 words!!!!!!

Taglist: @domainoflostsouls forgetthisbull handon-h-art yourspecialcrush giulsgotmusic mrsbarnes-rogers luosymekawa linzeyzarcone forgetthisbull calamityreads talgra marina-darling btsforlif lamoursansfin classic1985 lovesicksofi fandomsfallnomore thebivirgin classygladiatorcupcake lowlyapprentice mishafaye cececolbert trenchcoatedwhiskers

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

PART FOUR

PART FIVE

PART SIX

Dear (y/n),

Hi, sweetheart. I’m writing this hurriedly just a short while before you leave so I apologise if it’s a little scattered and all over the place. If you’re reading this, it means that you have began to feel something for Bucky and that’s okay. Truly, it is okay. Please don’t blame yourself or feel guilty, I hope this letter eliminates those feelings.

When I realised that I’d need to send you and Bucky somewhere safe and secluded, I knew that I would be writing you a letter. I planned that letter out. I was going to write every single reason why I loved you and why I wanted you to stay loyal to me. I was going to tell you that growing up with Bucky caused me to feel slightly inferior because of his good looks and his charm and that I didn’t want that to be the case again. I was going to pour my heart out, asking you to stay with me and reliving our greatest hits through the past year together. It wasn’t until I sat down just a moment ago, I realised how selfish and unfair that would be of me to do to you. So, no, this letter will not be me begging and pleading you to stay with me... the opposite actually.

Right now, you are going through a high risk, highly stressful and emotional time in your life. You are in danger because of me, you are in a foreign place with someone that you only recently met and only recently discovered is your soulmate with no contact to me or the outside world and here I was, about to practically beg you to stay with me. You see, it would be so easy for me to write down and list why and how I came to fall in love with you; it would be so easy for me to ask you to stay and knowing you and knowing how fiercely loyal you are, I think you would stay had I asked... God, sweetheart, there’s a large part of me that wants to do that, that wants to beg you to choose me but I just can’t. What kind of person would I be had I sent you away knowing fine well that you would have conflicting feelings and then given you a letter begging you to ignore those feelings for your rightful soulmate? I’d be a fraud. You are going through a lot right now and I need to respect that, I need to respect how intense things are and how confusing it all is for you right now. I want to make your life as easy as possible, you might want nothing to do with Bucky and I or you might want space to figure things out...

So, (y/n), this is me writing you a letter and letting you go. Your decision is entirely your own to make and I cannot and will not have a say in that. You have to decide what you want and if you want to pursue things with Bucky then I will bow my head and take a step back. If you want to continue to be with me, I will smile and hold you tight and we can continue from where we left things. If you choose something else, I will absolutely respect that. I wish I could be with you right now, I know that you’ll be stressed out and I just want to help you, sweetheart. In order for you to make your choice, you need a clean slate so... I’m letting you so, sweetheart. I say that as though you have to pick one of us, you don’t and you certainly don’t need my permission to have feelings for Bucky but I thought this letter might help... or maybe it’ll make things more confusing. Ugh, I’m usually good with my words but I just can’t seem to get it right. What I want to say is... if you wanted to pursue things with Bucky then you have my blessing, sweetheart. You and Bucky both have my blessing and I do not want either of you to feel guilty about it because you didn’t choose for this to happen.

Bucky’s a good man, (y/n), and when he cares about someone, he will love them with his whole heart. He’s been through so much in his life and he has built his walls up so high but I know that you could help him. You are just what he needs. You are so kind, loving and caring; you’re exactly the gentle sort of person he needs right now. When he gets scared, he lashes out, ignore that, he doesn’t mean it. I’ve known Bucky a long time and I know that he’ll protect you and keep you safe so please, try to trust him and show him that he can trust you. I don’t know how Bucky feels but, sweetheart, if he’s anything like me then he would’ve fallen for you the moment he met you at Tony’s party. You don’t give yourself enough credit, sweetheart. You are so beautiful, so worth it and so goddamn important. Do not let anyone treat you as though you’re less than what you are. You don’t need my approval or Bucky’s or anyone’s, you just need your own, sweetheart. You have helped me so much, you have shown me how to trust and how to love even despite all odds and we had it good, didn’t we, sweetheart? We had a pretty good year and if that’s all we have then I will be so thankful for the rest of my life that I got to spend that little year of perfection and happiness with you. I never wanted you to be in danger and I never thought that I would have to send you away to keep you safe but I hope you know how sorry I am for causing this. I am going to make it right, I will make it right so that you can come home and be happy. You deserve so much love and happiness. Remember that you are so loved. It’s going to be hard and I cannot imagine how hard it is right now with conflicting feelings but you’re (y/n) and you are going to be okay.

I love you, you know how much I love and care about you, but I will not try and beg you to stay with me or persuade you with all of the fun times we had together (not even by retelling the story of the old man and his cat down the hall). I wish that things could have been different, I wish that Rumlow and his men hadn’t have found you but they did and I had to protect you. So, I’m letting you go, (y/n). You will always have a place in my heart and I will always love you and I will always be here to support you but I’m letting you go because that’s what needs to happen in order for you to make your decision. I don’t blame you for your feelings and I won’t blame you for the choice that you make. I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy, (y/n), so be happy and don’t you dare feel bad about it.

Take care of yourself, sweetheart. Take care of Bucky for me, too.

Yours with love,

Steven Rogers

Over the course of that night, you read the letter over and over again, drinking in every single letter of every single word. It felt comforting to see Steve’s writing, to have something that was familiar with the slightest hint of his cologne. The contents of the letter made you sad, made you smile but ultimately, just made you even more conflicted than you already were. He was so sweet and that just made it worse that he was so forgiving and so kind. You didn’t ask for this, you didn’t want to have feelings for Bucky at all but... you couldn’t help it. You couldn’t control your heart, you couldn’t stop the feelings even if you tried. Steve’s letter was letting you go, did that mean the two of you were broken up or on a break? Oh, god, not a Ross and Rachel situation.

You barely slept that night, mind reeling and body in a clammy sweat because of how stressed you were. You had no idea what to feel, what to think or what to do. You and Steve had been together for a year and you had only known Bucky a few weeks but still, you tossed and turned thoughts full of questions and no answers. You had sworn to yourself that you would never fall for Bucky Barnes but you couldn’t control your heart, you couldn’t force yourself to forget those feelings and you couldn’t force yourself to care for Steve more. You loved Steve, you were in love with Steve, you weren’t in love with Bucky... were you? You had strong feelings for him, sure, but you hadn’t fallen in love yet. You didn’t want to hurt Steve, you really didn’t, but you felt like you couldn’t be with Steve fully if you had feelings for Bucky... You didn’t want it to be a contest like a stupid love triangle like in a stupid movie. You would rather have neither of them before you had them both competing for your love and attention. Right now, your heart still belonged to Steve and as you tried to get comfortable, you decided that your relationship was worth fighting for. Bucky was convenient because he was here and you were lonely and you kind of latched onto that but it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t last because you were too different. Steve was the safe choice, the comfortable choice.

Ugh.

You tossed the blanket off of you and frowned at the ceiling. It was as you went to get out of bed that you heard a yell from Bucky’s room. Quickly, you shot upwards and rushed out of the bedroom, throwing Bucky’s bedroom door open and turning the light on. He on the floor, legs tangled in the knitted blanket, a thin sheen of sweat coated his torso as he panted and looked up at you. He looked so different than usual, he looked... sad, broken? He looked lost. He’d had another nightmare. You gave a breath of relief as you saw him awake, terrified but awake and alive.

“I woke you up?” He asked, breathing heavy as he focused on his hands, counting them once, twice and three times; a tactic that kept him grounded and made him come back to reality instead of focusing on his nightmare.

You shook your head, “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh.”

“What was that one about?”

Bucky puffed out a long breath before answering you, “My Winter Soldier days. This one was a memory of a man I killed a long time ago. He didn’t deserve it, he wasn’t my target... he was just in the way.”

“Oh.” You swallowed, “Are you okay?”

Bucky rubbed at his face tiredly, “Yeah, I’m amazing.” Sarcastic bugger. Your face fell and Bucky quickly realised that now wasn’t a time to be a dick, “Sorry. I’ll be okay. You don’t have to stay, honestly, I’ll be fine.”

You watched him with narrow eyes before disappearing out of the room. Bucky frowned, thinking it was a little weird that you’d go back to bed without so much as a goodbye. It wasn’t until a minute later, you came back carrying two glasses of water that he realised you weren’t leaving at all, “Drink,” you urged him as you handed him the water, “My mom always told me that drinking water after a bad dream or nightmare would cleanse your mind and make you sleep better. Load of crap but it’s a placebo effect so just drink up.”

Bucky gave a small laugh before he took a long drink. He was glad that you came back, despite what he had said, he hated being alone after having a nightmare. It was nice to have company. You walked around him and climbed onto his untouched bed as you sipped your own water. He barely managed to hide his surprise at you so casually hopping onto his bed, “Can I ask why you were awake at this time?” He asked.

You faltered and decided to opt for something that wasn’t a lie but wasn’t the full truth either, “I couldn’t seem to shut my mind off... too much going on in there tonight,” you tapped the side of your head once before taking another sip of water. It was then that Bucky was very aware that he only had a pair of boxers on, it seemed like you hadn’t even noticed. He sat up straighter, pulling the blanket around himself. “I already saw that you’re half naked, Buck. No point hiding now.” You turned away with a smirk as he pulled the blanket around himself.

Bucky tried to fight the smile but couldn’t, “You really don’t need to stay, you know.”

“I know. I don’t feel like going yet.” Bucky nodded, moving so that he was leaning against the wall, looking at you. You scooted backwards, resting against the headboard, “Tell me about Wakanda.” His eyebrow quirked in amusement but he complied.

He began to tell you about Wakanda. He told you about T’Challa and what kind of leader he was, he spoke fondly of Shuri and her intelligence, he spoke a lot about the Dora Milaje and how he trained with them most days. He spoke for ages, telling you about how Wakanda was so different to anything he could’ve imagined. He tried to tell you about the technology but then gave up half way through saying ‘I barely understood 40s tech, I don’t understand modern tech and Wakanda tech is way more advanced than tech here so I have no fucking clue but it was cool!’.

“Why did you come back to New York?” You asked, glancing over at him, “Not to sound rude, just curious.”

“It was time,” he said with a sigh, “I’d been free from the mind control of Hydra for a while and it was time to reintroduce myself to civilisation.”

You snorted a laugh, “Look where that got you. A soulmate who’s dating your best friend and now you’re stuck with me. Bet you’re glad you left Wakanda.”

Bucky sat watching you with that intense, serious stare that made you shift nervously. When he stared at you like that, you couldn’t read him; you had no idea what was going through his mind in that moment and it terrified you. You always prided yourself on being able to read other people well but with Bucky, it was near impossible. When he eventually spoke, it surprised you, “I am glad, actually.” You didn’t really know how to respond so instead you looked down to your hands. What did it mean? Did it mean that he was simply just glad to get back to normality after being in Wakanda? Did it mean that he was glad to have met you even despite the situation? Did it mean that he was glad to be here with you? You had no idea and honestly... you didn’t feel like asking for clarification. You were struggling enough with your own feelings for him, you didn’t need to confuse yourself with how he felt towards you.

It was a few moments later before you asked him something else, “Why do you get called Bucky?”

“My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I’ve always been called Bucky,” he shrugged.

“Can I call you James?”

He nodded, “If you want.”

“James Buchanan Barnes,” you mulled his name over in your mouth, seeing how it felt. Bucky didn’t know why it sounded so nice to hear you say his name, “When’s your birthday?”

“Born 10th March 1917.” The two of you were unsure as to why it was like a game of twenty questions but you were distracting yourself from the questions you had surrounding your feelings and it was distracting Bucky from thinking about his nightmares.

“God, you’re old... looking good for being over one hundred though,” you teased with a laugh. Bucky gave a quiet laugh and agreed with you. You began to ask him more questions, finding it was a good way to take your mind off of the feelings you had and the letter. The pair of you spoke about everything and nothing simultaneously. His favourite colour was blue, ‘a dark navy blue not that sky blue shit’, his favourite modern day invention was food delivery apps, ‘I can order that shit from my phone and they’ll leave it on the doorstep so I don’t even need to talk to them, amazing!’.

It was around an hour later when you lay down on the bed, “Can I sleep in here tonight?” You asked him, eyes already closed, “I don’t feel like being alone tonight.” You knew that you probably shouldn’t have. You knew it was against your better judgement but you would sleep on the bed and Bucky would sleep on the floor. You wouldn’t be near each other like that, you just needed to be near someone; you needed to know that you weren’t alone and that someone was there, even if that person turned out to be Bucky Barnes, your soulmate. You and Bucky were friends, that was it. You were friends... who were you trying to convince? Yourself?

“Actually... I don’t feel like being alone tonight either.” It was an innocent conversation but Bucky could feel the balance shifting from beneath him, the trust that was gradually being formed like stepping stones across a river. He could almost reach the other side of the river and he was nearly to you. It scared him. He didn’t trust easy, especially after Hydra, but with you... it was still scary but it felt okay, in fact, it almost felt good.

“Can you read to me?” You asked him, “I always listen to an audiobook, usually the Hobbit audiobook to sleep... I like having noise. Will you read to me?”

“I don’t really know what you just said but I’ll read The Hobbit to you.” He grabbed his copy from the beside cabinet and began to read the words to you, “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.” It felt weirdly intimate, reading to you as you slept in his bed. It felt almost too intimate and yet, Bucky still read to you. His voice was nice to listen to, deep but soft.

You breathed slowly as you let the words carry you away to sleep, “G’night... James...” you said softly before falling asleep.

Bucky faltered, glancing at you, looking at how peaceful you looked as you snored slightly before smiling and standing up. He put the book back carefully and turned the light out before moving to you. He watched you for a moment, drinking in how peaceful and quiet you were as you slept in his bed. It was innocent, two friends sharing a room because they were lonely and bored. That was all it was. You slept in the bed and he was on the floor, there was nothing sexual or creepy or romantic at all going on.

That was until Bucky lay back down, wrapping his body under the blanket and all he could think was three words. Three words that he tried to push away, tried to ignore but they came back almost screaming in his mind. He had dreaded this moment ever since seeing colour. As he lay in the dark, he succumbed to the thought and finally allowed himself to whisper it into the darkness of the night.

“I love you.”

“Do you know self defence?” Bucky asked you a day later as you both sat in the living room reading.

“Kind of?” You shrugged, “Nat taught me how to throw a basic punch. If anything was to happen, I think I would probably just cry, forget everything and run away.”

Bucky frowned thinking that it wasn’t good enough, he needed to teach you something, “Come with me.” He moved to the painting where the safe was and punched in 0407 before pulling the gun out.

Instantly, you leapt backwards, “No way in hell, Bucky!”

He rolled his eyes, “You need to know how to use it.”

“Why?!”

“Just in case something happens.”

“If something happens, I have you to protect me!”

Bucky scoffed, “Come on, princess, what if something was to happen to me?” The nickname made an eruption of butterflies fly wildly around your stomach.

The thought of something happening to Bucky was a thought that you’d not thought of, a thought that now set alight a whole new bunch of worries, “I don’t like guns,” you whined pathetically as you followed Bucky outside and out to the great outdoors. He told you ‘tough’ before leading you out to the thick green woods where no one would hear the gunshots ring.

Despite your hesitation and your worries, you allowed Bucky to teach you the basics of the gun. He taught you about how to hold it, about making sure to turn the safety off and on, about the pull of the trigger and about how to reload if you needed to. Bucky went through all of this with you over and over until you felt confident enough to try it yourself. You fumbled at first but as you practiced unloading and reloading and making sure you were holding it correctly, it got a lot easier.

“Now, pull the trigger,” Bucky instructed.

“I don’t want to,” you said as you shook your head, “I know how to and if it comes to it, I will but right now, I don’t want to.”

Bucky stepped towards you, “What if I was a bad guy standing in front of you right now? You say that you would pull the trigger but what if you can’t? What if you freeze up?” He was standing in front of the gun, the nozzle pressing against his chest, “You have to shoot it. There will always be hesitation but you need to do it.” You shook your head again and Bucky sighed, “Please, (y/n)... I need to know that you know exactly what to do if you need to.”

You took a deep breath before sniffing and nodding, “I can’t shoot it when you’re in the way though. That’s murder.”

Bucky smirked slightly before stepping out of the way, “You know what to do?”

You nodded and took another few breaths before aiming for the tree about twenty feet in front of you. Bucky watched you carefully, he could see how much you didn’t want to do it but he admired that even though you would’ve rather have done anything besides this, you were still doing it.

You took one final breath before squeezing the trigger and shooting. The gunshot was louder than you expected, echoing in the dense woods. You jumped at the recoil of the gun, not expecting it to be so powerful. You had shot the middle of the tree perfectly. Bucky smiled, “Not so bad, right?”

“Fucking terrifying,” you said as you let out a breathy laugh. Bucky asked if you wanted to shoot again, just for one last practice. You nodded and aimed for the same spot. It wasn’t as terrifying second time around, this time you knew the noise and the hit back but it was still scary. Quickly, you turned the safety off before slamming the gun back into Bucky’s hands, “No more.”

Bucky smiled, “You did it!” He said as you began to walk away, “You should be proud. Tomorrow we’ll practice throwing a punch.”

“Couldn’t we have started with that?”

“Decided to throw you in the deep end.” He smiled as you rolled your eyes with the hint of a smile on your face, “I’m kidding... How do you feel?”

“Like I need to go lie down,” you muttered quietly before shrugging, “Thank you for pushing me to do it but for the love of god, if anything happens, you have to protect me because it’s fucking terrifying.”

“Let’s just hope that it doesn’t come to that.”

A few days had passed with you and Bucky growing closer and closer. He’d taken you into town a couple more times just to do some grocery shopping. You weren’t as bored as you usually were because now, you had Bucky. The pair of you spoke a lot more, sharing stories from your past and you catching Bucky up on modern day times. The dynamic the pair of you had was good, friendly with hints of something else bubbling under the surface. After learning how to shoot the gun, he didn’t bother teaching you about throwing a punch because you knew how to shoot and that was the main thing. If you could shoot, you could survive.

It was one night as you slept that something happened. Something bad and something terrifying. You could hear the creaks of the floorboards, it was dead silent in the cabin so you could hear everything that went on. You rolled over in bed, assuming that it was Bucky getting up during the night for something... until, a hand clamped over your mouth and a rough hand was pulling you upwards and out of bed.

Your eyes shot open, automatically kicking and trying to scream when the person hissed a, “Shh! It’s me, it’s Bucky!” Your heart was racing, instantly going back to when Rumlow and his men had kidnapped you the same way. Bucky saw your wide eyes and realised that he’d triggered something that wasn’t just fear; he recognised the real and very genuine trauma in your eyes. He slowly released you not wanting to further any discomfort but put a finger over his lips, a silent motion to be quiet. Your eyes were wide and already, your hands were clammy. What the fuck was going on?

It was then you heard the gruff voice of someone from somewhere else in the cabin, “Yeah, they’re definitely here. Call for more back-up.” You could practically feel yourself blanching as you stared hopelessly at Bucky. Bucky’s face was hard as he glanced at you. You were fucking terrified and he knew that but this is why he was here; to protect you and to keep you safe long enough until you could get back to Steve. He had no idea how they’d found you both so quickly. He held up two fingers mouthing ‘two agents’. There were only two right now and that was okay, Bucky could deal with two by himself. He could deal with more but when he had to protect you simultaneously, he could only deal with a couple of agents.

Your whole body trembled with fear as adrenaline began to rush through your veins. You were definitely in flight or fight mode and my god, you wanted to take flight and run away. It was Bucky who pulled you back to the ground, placing his hand on your shoulder. You looked at him, tears in your eyes. God, you hated feelings this way; you hated feeling so powerless. You knew how to shoot a gun, yes, but you weren’t fully prepared for a full on fucking attack! This shouldn’t have been happening, what was happening? Was it Hydra? Had they found the two of you? How would they have found you so fast?

Bucky crouched so that he was looking directly into your eyes, “We’re gonna be okay,” he whispered quietly, “I need you to hide.” You shook your head frantically, grabbing at his arm desperately. You didn’t want him to leave you. Had it been under different circumstances, Bucky would’ve been smirking at you.

Bucky gave your arm a reassuring squeeze as the deep murmurs grew closer and closer to the bedrooms. Bucky helped you climb into the wardrobe and closed the door. Of course, it would be the closet you hid in; ultimately the worst hiding place in the world though it was the only place in your bedroom that you could hide. Your heart was racing as Bucky closed those closet doors and so much for your claustrophobia. You squeezed your eyes closed as you tried your best to steady your breathing. I’m going to die. This is it. I’m going to die in a cabin in the woods. Holy fucking shit, I’m going to die.

Bucky withdrew his knife from his ankle, he was going for a stealth attack so the quieter the weapon, the better. He knew that there were two men, potentially more on the way, but right now, two was absolutely okay to deal with. This is what Bucky was trained to do; he was the Winter Soldier, a secret assassin and his mission was to keep you safe. The only difference was that Bucky didn’t need the code words to do the job. Bucky would keep you safe and make sure that you were okay, he had to; there was no other option.

The house was quiet as Bucky crept towards the bedroom door, standing at the side. He would stay here, waiting for one of them to walk in before stealth attacking. A creak sounded from a few steps outside of your bedroom door. Bucky’s eyes shot towards the closet, he couldn’t see you and couldn’t hear you but my god, he wished that he could grab you and run with you. He knew that you would be terrified, the only saving grace in this situation was that he’d been able to at least show you how to shoot the gun. If it came down to it, at least Bucky knew that you would be able to protect yourself... he just hoped that if it had to come down to it, you would find the courage to shoot.

The door slowly began to creak open and Bucky stayed hidden in the shadows until the Hydra agent was fully inside of the bedroom. It was then that Bucky carefully closed the door behind him. The Hydra agent wore dark with a dark cap and a mask that covered half of his face. You couldn’t really see much but to be honest, you didn’t want to see much. Clamping your hand over your mouth to try and limit any noise, you squeezed your eyes shut. Your heart hammered against your chest, almost painfully, and you were almost kind of paranoid that the Hydra agent would be able to hear your heart thundering against your ribcage. You closed your eyes at exactly the right time as Bucky lunged for the agent.

In one smooth motion, Bucky had grabbed the agent’s head on either side and with a fluid movement, snapped his neck. The crack made your stomach churn and made tears well in your eyes. Bile rose in your throat but you swallowed and forced it back down. You had to stay calm. It was much louder and harsher than you’d ever expected not that you had thought about a neck breaking that much. Bucky gently led the now limp agent to the bed and laid him on it. Yep, never touching that blanket again.

“You okay?” Bucky asked, voice a husky whisper in the dead of night.

You sniffed in response and that was all Bucky needed to know that you weren’t doing okay at all. He hadn’t expected you to be okay with the events, the most drama you’d witnessed was someone stealing a pizza from the pizza shop down the road from yours and Steve’s apartment. That and Tony trying to pick a fight with an empty Iron Man suit. You’d never been around a lot of violence, Steve shielded you from that part of his life but now, you were forced to see it and take part.

Bucky moved towards the closet, not realising that the second agent was looming in the doorway. You squinted through the tiny crack, most of your vision that you could see from the gap was Bucky but as you squinted, you could see a figure sneaking up from behind Bucky. Your eyes widened and you let out a scream of, “BEHIND YOU!” It had been a rookie move on Bucky’s part, he knew better but he needed to check on you and needed to make sure that you were okay. His downfall was you.

Bucky spun but was too late, the Hydra agent raised the object that he had and shot it. It wasn’t a gun, it was electric? What the fuck? It was like a taser that shot out and wrapped around Bucky and buzzed and hissed; much like an electric belt. Bucky’s body convulsed as he was knocked to the other side of the room. He tried to fight it but the more he fought, the worse the pain was. He could feel the darkness trying so desperately to take over his vision but he fought, he fought because he had to. He needed to save you, he had to fight it and protect you. All that stood between you and the Hydra agent was a closet door and now the agent knew that you were in the there. Bucky tried and he tried so hard but the pain of every muscle in his body convulsing was too much and he began to lose his consciousness.

This was it. This is where I die. The Hydra agent was three steps away and he knew where you were, this was it. This was it. Fight or flight. Fight or die. There was nothing in the closet except you and some hangers. Quickly, you grabbed some of the hangers, they wouldn’t do much damage but they’d be annoying and get in the way. If you could get a hanger attached to the electric shooting taser thing, it might make it harder to use. Being a bigger woman, you decided to use your extra weight and extra might to your advantage. You had to, it was your only weapon.

His hands reached for the door handles but you didn’t give him the chance to open it. You pushed yourself to the back of the closet as though preparing to run a race in the Olympics and steadied your body before leaping and bursting through the door with all of the strength you could muster. It was like watching a lion pounce on its prey; you roared loudly and leapt. The doors flew open and the Hydra agent absolutely hadn’t been expecting a roaring plus size woman to leap from the closet. The last thing Bucky saw before he let the darkness take over was you toppling into the agent and knocking him to the ground armed with various coat hangers. The agent gasped for breath, the impact winding him, heh, take that motherfucker, and quickly, whilst you used that to your advantage you looped some coat hangers on his weapon. It wouldn’t stop him from using it but it would take at least 15 seconds to get them off. You didn’t spare a glance to the dead agent that lay sprawled on your bed. You couldn’t.

Quickly, you clambered to get off of the agent. Your heart was beating fast but you had no time to think about how terrified you were; you just had to survive. You slammed the door shut, thinking that any obstacle would be good. You had to get to the safe, you needed to be able to protect yourself. Safe, 0407, gun, safety off, aim, shoot. You repeated the steps in your head as a mantra over and over again. You threw open the bathroom door (which opened outwards) to cause another disruption. You could hear the agent clambering to get up, coat hangers falling to the ground, he was seconds away from coming to get you.

With bare feet slapping the hardwood floors, you grabbed the painting from the wall and chucked it backwards behind you. The Hydra agent was thundering down the hallway. With violently shaking hands, you punched in 0408 - “Shit!” - quickly, you punched the ‘CLEAR ALL’ button before trying again, 0407 and throwing it open grabbing the gun and darting to the other side of the living room just as the Hydra agent burst into the living room, panting and angry.

He gave a loud laugh as he watched your shaking hands try to flick the safety off, “What’s Captain America’s girlfriend going to do? She gonna shoot me? Really?” He scoffed. He expected you to be weak, expected you to give up easily. Now, you were crying and you were terrified and sure, you weren’t very strong but you would never just give up. You would fight with what little strength you had and you would try you goddamn hardest to survive.

You flicked the safety off and threw your arms out, readying your aim to point at the Hydra agent. It was when you looked at him that it really sunk in what was happening right now. Your eyes darted between the gun and the agent and you could feel the tears burning in your eyes. You couldn’t do this. You thought you could but you couldn’t; you weren’t strong enough and the Hydra agent knew it. He laughed again, throwing his hands up and walking closer. He was a hulking brute of a man, easily over six foot, towering over you. You couldn’t launch yourself at him now, he would be prepared for it and you couldn’t fight your way out of this. You weren’t fast as running, he would catch you. Your whole body trembled as adrenaline pounded blood through your veins.

“I can’t wait to see this,” he smirked, stopping about two metres away from you. He held his up and you couldn’t see a weapon on him. He was expecting you to be weak, expecting you to drop the gun and freak out and let him take you away willingly, “Captain America’s girlfriend isn’t going to shoot me.” Your eyes darted to the hallway, trying to will Bucky to appear. The agent smirked, “Your other boyfriend will wake up just in time to see you either bleeding out on the floor or taken to Rumlow, depends if you want to do this the easy or the hard way.”

He took a step closer and you raised the gun yelling, “Stay back!”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re not going to shoot me. You’re weak, you’re nothing without your boyfriends protecting you,” he began to reach behind his back, hand wrapping around his concealed weapon, “You’re nothi-”

BANG!

The gunshot wasn’t the most disturbing part. Oh no, the most disturbing part were two different sounds. The first was the bloodcurdling gurgle that came from his throat as his blood was forced upwards until it spilled out and bubbled from his mouth. You watched in horror as his eyes were wide with fear as he clutched at his stomach. You had shot him. You’d really, genuinely shot him. Bucky had told you to either aim for the stomach or the heart. You picked the stomach, bigger target and with trembling hands, easier to get right. Blood poured out of him at a speed much greater than you could have ever thought. It was already pooling on the floor like red hands seeping and reaching out to cover everything in its way. The man took a few gurgling breaths. The second disturbing sound was as his body collapsed to the floor with a horrifying thud as he began to bleed out onto the floor, barely holding onto consciousness.

Your hands trembled violently, gripping the gun with all of your strength, arms still outstretched, staring at the man on the floor. He had been trying to kill you, trying to kill Bucky and you did what Bucky taught you... you used the gun, you shot and... he was going to die. He was losing blood at a rapid pace and you were no doctor but you’d seen plenty episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and Criminal Minds to know that he had mere minutes left. The world around you began to slip away as you stared at the body, eyes wide and watering from the shock and lack of blinking, it felt like time stopped and all noise around you stopped. It felt like you were underwater, as though you’d jumped into the sea, sinking deeper and deeper, the world getting more faded and faint with every passing second.

As Bucky groggily came to, the gunshot radiated through the cabin. No. He rolled over with a grunt, wooziness crashing over him like a wave. His world spun as he flipped onto his front and scrambled to climb upwards as he tore the electric wire which had stopped electrocuting him and chucked it to the floor, “(y/n)...” he murmured softly as he fell against the bedroom wall, struggling to stand. His vision was blurred and hard to focus and it felt like the world tilted a new direction every second. Bucky stumbled forwards, grabbing out to catch onto the doorframe to hold himself up with, “(y/n).” Every muscle in his body ached painfully, burning with every movement and every breath but he pushed through. He had to get to you. He had to get to you to see what had happened. The gunshot woke him up and where did the gunshot come from? Who shot a gun? Who... Who got shot? Bucky didn’t dare think of the answer being you. Right now, he couldn’t. He had to get to you, had to protect you and make sure that you were okay. This is why he was here; he had to protect you, he had to make sure that you survived this. So far, he’d done a piss poor job at protecting you and now, he just needed to see you.

He called out for you as his vision slowly began to focus again. He took a tentative step forwards and then another, the world began to stop swaying. He stumbled once but with every step forwards, the fuzziness began to fade and he began to pick up speed. He burst into his bedroom, “(y/n)?” Nothing. He turned on his heel, “(y/n)?!” He yelled before bursting through into the living room.

You were stood, frozen in place, arms outstretched as you clutched the gun. Bucky scanned the room. The safe was open, you’d grabbed the gun from there and... on the floor lay the barely alive Hydra agent. Bucky carefully stepped over to you, repeating your name. He could tell that you were in shock. When he was at your side, he could see how violently you were shaking, how you gripped the gun in a white knuckled grip and how tears slipped down your cheek every second. You were alive, you were safe but... at what cost?

“(y/n),” Bucky’s voice was loud, enough to break you from the trance but not enough to scare you. He grabbed your shoulders and stepped in front of you, blocking your vision from the body on the floor, “(y/n), you need to give me the gun.” Bucky had stepped in front of you to hide the body from your view but the gun was pressed against his chest, exactly where his heart was.

You blinked. Once. Twice. The gun. You looked to the gun and realised that it was pointed at Bucky. He repeated to give him the gun. You opened your mouth, trying to form some sort of coherent sentence, “I-I-I-”

“It’s okay, (y/n),” Bucky said, voice gentle for such an intense situation, “It’s okay...” He knew you and he knew that you wouldn’t be able to cope with this situation alone, he needed to be there for you.

“Is he- Is he-”

“No, not yet.”

“But- but he’s going to- he will-”

Bucky sighed, “(y/n), I’m going to take this gun from you now, okay? You need to give me the gun.” He paused, taking your silence as an agreement, before carefully and slowly prying your fingers from the gun. Once he’d taken it from you, he turned the safety on and slid it into the waistband of his jeans all the while watching you carefully.

Your heart pounded painfully against your ribs as adrenaline coursed through your veins. Your mind whirred unable to focus on anything, “I killed him.”

“No,” Bucky said, “he’s not dead.”

“He will be and once he’s- once he’s dead... I killed him.”

Bucky sighed before he shook his head, “No, I did. I killed him.”

It took you a second to comprehend what he said but in that second, Bucky had grabbed the gun from his waistband, turned safety off and shot the almost dead Hydra agent right in between the eyes. Bucky still shielded you from the body but you knew what happened. The gunshot made you jump harshly, causing a new wave of fresh tears to well in your eyes. Bucky turned to you, once again, pocketing the gun, “I killed him, see? I killed him, (y/n).”

“But- but...” You couldn’t understand. You were in shock and you couldn’t process or comprehend his actions. Bucky crouched down, forcing you to look him in the eyes as he spoke to you.

“I killed him. I’m taking all of the blame from you and putting it on me. What you did was self defence, you were shooting an intruder; I was the one who killed him. It’s okay. It’s okay now.” Bucky had shot him, Bucky had killed him for you. Bucky knew and understood the guilt of taking someone’s life and he couldn’t bare to see you take on that guilt. He knew that it would crush you, you were too good of a person to have that darkness in your heart and in your soul. You were too good and he... well, what was one more? Bucky knew that if he hadn’t have killed him, you would’ve let the guilt destroy you... at least he knew how to cope and deal with it.

You broke down then. That kind of loud, wailing, ugly sobbing that you can’t control and you can’t stop. Your knees gave but Bucky was there to catch you. He easily caught you, pulling you up and to his chest. He held you tightly, holding you as you sobbed into his shirt. His head fell to yours, breathing in the smell of your shampoo from your hair as you cried. When Steve sent you away, this isn’t what anyone had in mind would happen. Hydra had found you and Bucky somehow and now... you were in more danger than ever before. He held you like that for a few minutes until you had calmed down. You could hear Bucky’s heart beating slow and steady, even under a high pressure situation he could still keep his composure. You stayed in his arms, listening to his beating heart, timing your breaths to match his. Bucky’s arms held you tightly, one around your back and the other holding your head to his chest. You took a long slow breath before feeling ready to pull away. Slowly, you pulled back and it was as you did so, something changed.

Things had been changing for weeks, dynamics and feelings had been developing and changing a lot recently but it was in this moment that things really began to fall into place, “(y/n)…” Bucky whispered softly. You noticed that his breathing changed, faster and more shallow; more erratic than the slow steadiness only mere seconds before. You eyes stared into his dark shirt and it felt like the moment of seeing colour for the first time again though... this is how it should have felt, “Look at me.”

You didn’t want to look. You knew what was going to happen; Bucky knew what was about to happen too. You knew what seeing those blue eyes would do and you couldn’t bear it. Bucky’s hand moved from your hair to your cheek, delicately wiping away a tear. When his skin touched yours, you gasped, a feeling that you’d never felt before tickling at your skin. It felt electric almost like you were being touched for the first time. The shock reverberated through your cheek and to the rest of your body. You could truly feel the ‘pull’ that they spoke of.

Bucky took a deep breath, feeling strangely overwhelmed. The pull had never been stronger and he knew that in this moment, you could feel it too. You could feel the feelings of what soulmates should feel like. In this moment, nothing else mattered except him and you. He said your name again and slowly, so painfully slowly, your eyes began to look upwards. You almost couldn’t stop yourself from looking, it was inevitable... it had always been inevitable. You sucked in a deep breath when you reached his eyes. They were so unbelievably piercing and they were so blue. Bucky’s eyes had been the first colour you had ever seen before and now, here they were when you most needed them. Everything faded away and it was just you and Bucky, it was just those eyes of his. Your breathing began to slow as you found yourself tilting into his hands on your cheek, wanting to feel him touch your cheek fully. Bucky’s eyes flickered to look at your lips and then to your eyes and then again.

“Bucky...” you whispered, voice barely more than a whisper. Hidden in the whisper was three quiet words... I love you.

Bucky moved closer so slightly, just enough that you could feel his breath tickling your face. Your heart skipped a beat. You wanted him to kiss you. You wanted to kiss him. Suddenly, nothing mattered; it was just you and Bucky. He frowned slightly as he glanced between your lips and your eyes. The desire to kiss you was so strong and you were right there but... his hand fell from your cheek to his side and he cleared his throat, tearing his eyes away from yours to check the time, “We gotta go.”

You snapped back to reality in that moment and a wave of guilt crashed over you. Steve. Oh my god, Steve. Bucky stepped backwards, “We gotta go,” he repeated, without giving you a minute to process, “If two agents found us that means that they aren’t far away. We gotta go... now.” He didn’t give you another second and instead, repeated that you had to move now. There was no time to waste anymore, it was now or never. Bucky shielded your view from the body on the floor, he didn’t want you to see the gory mess but he couldn’t hide you from the body in the bedroom.

Silently, you and Bucky rushed around the cabin, grabbing your essentials. You grabbed your duffel bags, abandoning the blanket and cushion and Bucky grabbed his bag, blanket and your photo of you and Steve. As he held the photo, waiting for you to grab one last thing, he glanced down at it and felt a pang of guilt. He was in love with his best friend’s girl and he knew that you were in love with him too. You appeared a second later, clutching at The Hobbit, Bucky’s copy that he’d read to you, and an envelope in the order - Steve’s letter. The two of you nodded at each other and then without a word, you left the cabin for the final time.

The black SUV from the two agents was still parked out front and you both knew that there would be more on the way. You piled into the car with Bucky after he checked for any tracking devices before he began to drive. Your mind raced almost as fast as Bucky drove the car. He was silent, thinking about how they could’ve possibly found the two of you. They must’ve checked airport footage already and from there tracked you, maybe the hire car worker had given them the car information and they’d tracked it... he didn’t know. In your hands you held two things, one was The Hobbit that Bucky had read to you and the other was Steve’s letter. You clutched them tightly, so tightly that your hands cramped around them. As Bucky drove, all you could do was stare out of the window, watching in shock as the world whooshed by you.

“Where are we going?” You asked Bucky hoarsely.

He glanced at you, “We’re going home.”

197 notes · View notes

siriusmydeer · 3 years

Note

hello love, i was wondering if you could do a james potter x slythering fem!reader? one where she is working so hard on getting her life together. she is trying to be different than her family and working so hard but it is getting to her. she feels like she is failing and every turn she takes is a dead end. she feels like there is no purpose to what she’s doing. i think some super fluff is required, like james boosting her up and loving her. plzzzzz & thx

his slytherin

james potter x slytherin!fem!reader

summary: when you overwork yourself james is there to save the day.

word count: 2.4k

warnings: mentions of insomnia, mentions of sleep deprivation, mentions of not eating, mentions of over working yourself, angst, sad!james, house stereotypes, bad grades, implications of smut, WOLFSTAR😍, mentions of food, a breakdown, THERES FLUFF I PROMISE

seventh year was quite literally, a mess. maybe not for others, finally done school or they were super excited to travel around the world seeing things they’ve never seen before. you’re dream had consisted of constant studying, and working that barely made any time for yourself.

for the prior three years you had studied and practiced with madam pomfrey in the healers wing to eventually become a healer yourself, and it took a lot more than you thought it anticipated.

you knew as a healer, later in life you would have to deal with artefact accidents, dementor attacks, creature-induced injuries, magical bugs, potion and plant poisoning, dragon trainers with injuries, and incredulous spell damage.

with that you had to be prepared, which meant more time hitting the books and less time spending your final year at hogwarts with your best friends and your staggering boyfriend.

(hahah u see what i did there?)

james had qued in on your restless nights by gazing across at you in the great hall. the colour of emerald green becoming frequent in his life now; surprisingly to everyone else. where you were sat at the slytherin table, your eyebags already deepening by the day and your nose buried in some sort of school book.

the thought of even being like your family, made you nauseous. you didn’t want to be like your strict, immoral family, the death eaters, the murderers, and the ministry officials. who worked like machines without feelings or care.

as a slytherin born into a pureblood family those were the expectations that were almost nailed into your back like a sign said, ‘here’s the pureblood slytherin, shame her even though you don’t know her!!’

of course those were the stereotypes, ones that had been built on for centuries since salazar slytherin himself. that you of all people had to inherit. so you had to fall, and rebuild yourself entirely for even a chance. the restless nights, insomnia, caffeine and studying was your way of rebuilding.

of course that had an effect on your grades, not sleeping, not eating and barely focusing made your grades tremble a great deal to the point where professor slughorn got concerned by his best potions makers, recent poors in his class.

you were too focused on being better that you couldn’t even focus on your own well-being, that you couldn’t even see you were hurting yourself on the people around you. almost self isolating yourself from everyone entirely.

“darling?” james whispered, his body sitting across from yours at one of the mahogany tables in the library. pince set him a warning glare not to cause any mischief as she turned around.

“hmm?” you mumbled, barely acknowledging his prescence and continuing to read your defence against the dark arts textbook, something about the ‘chameleon ghoul.’

he had barely seen you all week, and when he did he saw your agonized face scrunched up in a book and your mauve dark circles that rested below your eyes clear as day.

“why don’t you take a break, dear? have a rest, you’ve been working non-stop. ve’barely seen you.” he murmured the last bit, embarrassed for feeling ‘needy.’

“can’t jamie, newts are soon i need to be prepared.” you looked up in his direction for a moment, barely catching his saddened eyes through his spectacles at your denial of his request to finally see his girlfriend.

if this were two maybe three years ago, james would not be caught dead having a conversation with a slytherin, let alone a relationship with one. the stereotypes blinding his vision for along time before he could see what was truly in-front of him.

i mean the gryffindor pride genetically ran through his veins as he was born into the etiquette pureblood-gryffindor family himself. it was almost destined for the both of you to be corporeal enemies.

but... something about your altruistic and considerate attributes subtly changed his mind. thanking merlin, and horhace slughorn for pairing the both of you in potions in fourth year. there was always something about the way you were so gentle and benevolent with him in potions class might’ve flipped a switch in his mind.

“right then... see you later?” he muttered disappointed in himself, you work so hard to prove yourself meanwhile he didn’t even have a glare in his way because he was the perfect headboy gryffindor student; with absolutely no judgements thrown his way despite his actions towards others in previous years.

“dunno, i’m studying.” you replied, your voice monotone and dull almost raspy from barely using your voice unless answering questions in class to almost being a know-it-all and pushing yourself to the tops of all your classes.

he got up from his chair, it scraping against the floor as he walked to the exit almost like a dog with its tail between his legs. he just got so mopey by your dejected less merry self. he had to do something, he had to make you understand that being a slytherin wasn’t just you.

it was a part of you sure, but ambitious just meant you strived for your goals and you were cunning which showed your amplified skill.

that didn’t mean you were— evil? being a proud reckless gryffindor was one in his heart but nobody ever thought he was malicious.

so, james fleamont potter did the only logical thing he could think of; going to his bestfriends for help. of course at first they were not over the moon glowing in delight when they found out he was dating a slytherin, especially sirius.

but that was expected, his family being his only views on how a pureblood slytherin acted only projected onto you. giving you almost a conscientious reason to work, the thought of someone james felt was his brother perceiving you as despicable only made you pursue your self judgements.

but after your book swaps with remus, you and peters athrimancy study sessions and music bonding with sirius they grew quite fond of your personality and thought that you were due with a chance with the marauders.

“moony, i need help.” he spoke desperately as remus’ face was also buried in a book, except out of his own free will.

“james needs my help? hear that sirius? prongs needs my help.” he declared proudly as the brown-haired gryffindor groaned crossing his arms.

“it’s y/n.” he mentioned, glancing in sirius’ direction before sitting on the vermillion love seat across from the fawn haired boy.

“what about her?” remus was more-so confused, what would be so wrong with you that james had to ask him for help?

“she’s suffocating herself, the books, the studying, not sleeping, not eating, nothing. i dunno what to do anymore remus, she’s so pent up on wanting people to stop looking at her like she’s heinous she’s working herself to death!” he ranted, all his anger and agitation spilling out in one fast-paced sentence that james needed to catch his breath by the end of.

“i just dunno how to make her catch a breath, take a break. what do i do?” james panted, looking at his mates for an answer.

“imperious curse?” sirius proposed, a bad proposal but his intentions were... thoughtful. “yeah let me go use an unforgivable curse on my girlfriend so she can have a study break. no thank you, next.” james sarcastically humoured him, james didn’t want to compromise your education or use an unforgivable curse on you for that matter but you looked so incredibly burnt out he didn’t know how to help you.

“body-bind curse? so she’s like.... forced to stop?” peter suggested, looking up from his transfiguration essay catching onto the conversation as he twirled his quill between his fingers.

“or, y’know something actually logical you could do is take her books. get her lavender tea or something, let her talk.” remus finally spoke, shrugging then looking at the ‘lord of the flies’ book in his hands a smirk lying on his face knowing that would he james lucky choice.

“moony, you genius! i could kiss you!” james hopped up from his seat, on his way back to the library.

“oi! i’m the only one he’s going to be kissing, prongs!” sirius yelped as james walked out of the portrait hole with a distant chortle.

on his way to the library, where you were previously seated, james made a stop to the kitchen to grab a few of your favourite snacks and some water. he dropped them back at his dormitory, but not without a mini lecture on ‘kissing moony.’ from sirius.

what a drama queen.

the castle was slowly darkening, the only light pivoting from the floating candles in the air. he saw your frozen-like figure in the same spot you were except looking over your history of magic textbook, learning about the ‘emeric the evil.’

“y/n.” he stated firmly, you almost jumped from your seat in surprise, due to your recent sleep deprivation. “merlin james, give a girl a little warning first.” you chastised before returning to your next book that was slammed together right in-front of your eyes.

“james! i was—“ you were cut off quickly by him gathering all of your books and placing them in his left arm. “what are you doing?” you questioned, looking at him with furrowed brows, to exhausted to argue with him.

“you’re not taking care of yourself, you’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, your basically a study.... that muggle thing- robot! you’re a study robot! so i’m taking care of you.” he got sidetracked as he spoke in a gentle yet firm tone.

“but i have too-“ you were cut off again by his pointer finger shushing your lips together. “no, either you sit here in silence because i’m taking your books either way or you come with me to my dorm.” james spoke, resisting to your complaints.

“fine, but you have too—“ you started off, annoyed that your study time was ruined by james incessant comments about you ‘overworking yourself.’ he though, was not having any of that. “nope.” he grabbed your hand, dragging you off to the gryffindor tower.

you gave a small tired wave to sirius, peter and remus on the way to the dormitories as they were all either on the floor or splayed across the scarlet-coloured couches. sirius following with a teasing wolf whistle and wink seeing the both of you walking up the stairs.

“don’t do anything i wouldn’t do!” he chuckled, looping his arm over remus’ shoulders.

“ha, bloody, ha, padfoot. so, so funny i’m on the floor laughing.” he teased, sarcasm lacing his words in a monotone voice almost mocking snape.

you playfully rolled your eyes before being dragged up the stairs to the boys dormitory. the only noises heard were the clacks of your shoes and the soft breathing emitting from both you and your boyfriend.

your eyes were met with candies sprawled all over his poorly made bed, one of his quidditch sweatshirts paired with your favourite joggers; the ones he probably stole from your dorm room one night; because he was keen on you just staying there with him and ‘subtly’ moving all your things into his dormitory with the rest of the boys.

you looked at him with an arched brow, a silent question of ‘why are you doing this?’ ignoring your questioning look he sprawled himself on his twin-bed, his hands clasping in his lap waiting for you to change.

you put on the clothes he layed out, feeling james’ left hand tug you onto his chest when you were done. oh his soft, pillowy chest, you almost felt tempted to fall asleep right then and there.

“darling girl, tell me what’s going on?” he softly questioned while stroking your hair with one hand, his other arm stroking your back.

“i just—“ you stuttered, feeling a wave of tears glossing over your eyes. “i feel like everything is going so, so, wrong. m’so afraid of failing, i want to be better! i don’t want to be like m’terrible family, but it all feels like so much!” you mewled into his shirt, his grasp growing a bit tighter in an effort to psychically comfort you.

“baby, you’re nothing like your family, you have to know that?” he directed your vision to his gaze, the soft marks of mascara down your dampened face only made his gaze softer.

“you work so hard on trying to be not like your family, you don’t even know how amazing you truly are. you’re so generous, you’re always willing to help someone even if you don’t like them, i know i wouldn’t have that patience!” he softly chuckled, seeing a faded grin on your lips.

you sniffed as he continued his praise, “you’re such a hard worker, and i’m truly in awe of you. you’re the one person who truly puts her best foot forward and it’s so incredibly amazing, but you’re working so hard your exhausting yourself. y/n, it’s breaking me to see you like that.” you saw small wet streaks around his eyes, not truly realizing your self destructive habits had been harming people around you; had been harming him.

“jamie, i’m— im so sorry!” feeling the wash of emotions suddenly bundled up wash all over you, your nervous system feeling overwhelmed with the emotions of sadness, guilt and anger bubble up all at once. you whimpered into his shirt, spewing out mumbled apologies that were barely coherent due to all the sobs.

“shh- shh, don’t apologize.” he articulated, shifting his hips up and grabbing a folded parchment from his back pocket.

“w—whats that?” you questioned, trying to calm down the mewls and whimpers that wanted to escape your throat.

“this, darling, is a schedule.” he pointed out, a week schedule with times on it that labeled your subjects as well as times of the day. he also dedicated certain parts of every single day with “james!!” in bright red ink.

“so those,” he pointed out, directly at all the times he wrote his name leading up to the newt dates, “are times you and me spend together, no studying, just loving. so i can remind my beautiful, smart, and amazing talented loving girlfriend how astonishing she is.” he said with a grin, proud of himself.

“you really know how to charm a girl, potter.” you may have teased, but without him you don’t know what you would’ve done. james was truly your saviour, your light, stars to your moon; if you will.

he was yours, and you were definitely his.

taglist: @fathermarty @kittykylax @terr0rizer @aspiringsloth20 @dear-luna @famdomhideout @hufflepogue

#james potter one shot #james potter fluff #james potter fic #james potter fanfiction #james potter x oc #james potter #james potter x you #james potter x y/n #james potter x reader #harry potter oneshot #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter #harry potter smut #james potter smut #james potter series

322 notes · View notes

thompsonstessa-moved · 3 years

Text

Måneskin interview for TVN24 - english translation

Few days ago an interview (on video) with Måneskin came out in Poland on TVN24 channel, sadly its paywalled on their site (and the tv only showed a bit).

However, I got a transcript of it and decided to translate it for you guys :D

Also, while the interview took place in Poland (day before the Sopot festival), the interviewer knew italian, so they talked in italian and the TV translated it to polish (and dubbed them!!! :( ). So I hope theres nothing that like, got lost in translation twice.

Also its 2am now so the translation might not be the most perfect, but you'll definitely get the gist of what they were saying!!

The whole thing is under the 'keep reading' :)

First of all – congratulations on the San Remo and Eurovision wins! I just want you to know how happy you made my mom – she listens to your music for 3 years now. How are you feeling today?

D: We feel good, tho we’re tired as well. We travel a lot, but we’re happy. We meet new fans, new opportunities are coming up. It’s really nice.

How did you guys meet? When looking at you, you have this sense of unity and just good vibes. How did it all start?

D: We know each other for a long time.

V: Yeah, Since middle school. Me, Thomas and Damiano were playing in different bands, but they weren’t the best. Thet all disbanded. Then we posted in a facebook group ’looking for a musician in rome’ and found Ethan. Since then we started doing music for real. We devoted ourselves to the music, and… the rest just came naturally.

E: Yes. We knew it’s gonna be our life since day one.

What did you say In the post, when looking for the fourth member of the band?

V: I wrote ”looking for a drummer for an indie rock/new wave band”.

E: That’s true, there was new wave in it too.

I’m sure a lot of people replied.

V: No, actually only Ethan replied. But we found that post lately and now it’s full of comments like „why didn’t i reply back then!”

T: Ethan was really lucky.

What did your parents thought about your choice (to pursue music)? A rockstar lifestyle isn’t exactly what every parent wants for their child.

D: No, our parents are really content with it. They know what we do makes us happy, and of course we visit them whenever we can. And they are proud of us as well, because they see we’re happy and independent, travelling all over the Europe, and hopefully all over the world. I think every parent wants their kid to be satisfied and happy.

And friends? Are you still friends with the same people, or did the friendships fell apart?

D: We still have the same friends. And we’re sure that way that they are our real friends.

Do they understand your current lifestyle, that you can dissapear for a year?

V: Yeah, they all understand that this is our job, that our life is a bit irregular, but, like everything, it has its ups and downs.

E: Exactly, they understand, but they also miss us. Sometimes my mom calls and says ”I miss you, you’ve been gone for so long”. It’s normal. But what’s important is that we feel the support from our families and friends. They understand that you need to sacrifice a lot, to achieve a lot.

Can you still easily go ands grab a beer in the Rome neighbourhoods (districts?) of Pigneto or Trastevere? Or is it impossible now?

V: The only truly safe place for us is Trastevere, because we always lived there. Everyone there knows us and they don’t care we’re famous.

D: But I have to admit that since they whole Eurovision thing we still didn’t come back, so it’s hard to say for sure.

T: But let’s say that its a safe space.

Don’t you worry that now that whole world knows you, you’ll be followed by tourists?

V: Oh my god, you’re right, we didn’t think about it!

D: When we came back to Rome for one day I got excited when one tourist stopped me. ”Cool, I got stopped by a tourist” – now it’s normal.

T: It gives us joy.

V: It’s beautiful.

E: Wonderful.

V: We’re not complaining.

D: Long live the tourists!! (that one was kinda weird to translate)

You started by playing on Via Del Corso, now you’re international stars. I’m wondering, do you still feel the same when playing together as before? Do you have fun making music together? Or do you miss the simpler times and would love to go back to Via del Corso and play something spontaneously?

V: No, we’re still spontaneus. It’s really important for us, and we make sure people who work with us understand that. We’re really adamant about it. Music needs to remain beautiful, spontaneus and natural thing for us. We never worked with someone who would write lyrics for us. No one ever told us what we can and cannot do. We still feel the exact same feelings in studio and on stage that we felt when we were just getting started. It’s the purest thing for us. We want to have fun and feel free to express ourselves.

T: Exactly, especially that music is our driving force. Without music, we wouldn't have all the beautiful things we do. We focus only on music, and the rest comes to us.

Let’s imagine a situation where you just started ma king a song, and everyone has a different idea for it. How do you work that out? And who’s idea wins most of the time?

V: There are two options in this situation: we try every idea, and if none works, we throw the song away.

E: It doesn’t work. (that one is kinda untranslateable?)

V: Or we really work on it and fight till the end.

D: Exactly. Sometimes, but that pretty rare, one of us has a particular idea on how to do the song, and manages to convince us (to the idea). but it’s not an order, it’s a dialogue. An attempt to make everyone think the same way. I need to say that it was much harder in the past, because we were still searching for our sound, and each tried to push the rest into their way of thinking. But now we’re more aware of what we want to create, so it’s coming out in much more natural way.

E: Faster.

D: Not really faster, because it takes a lot of time to create new songs, but it’s easier, we don’t argue that much anymore.

T: It’s really cool, because everyone gives something from themselves to the song. (my brain kinda blanked here, sorry xD) Just like Damiano said, there are days when Vic has one idea for a song, I have another idea, Damiano has his own idea, Ethan as well… But it’s a whole creative process where we all contribute, and it’s pretty stimulating.

D: Everyone feels appreciated. It’s really important when it’s four of us.

What are the biggest signs that you became huge international stars?

V: We really realize that when we’re having concerts. Where we can see our audience and we can see that people really care about us. That they took time and money to listen to us. Now that we’re travelling across Europe, the amount of people stopping us on the streets really shows how many people know about us. People are waiting for us in front of our hotels. We didn’t think it would be like that. But we feel nothing but affection and warmth from them.

How was Eurovision for you from the backstage? Anything atypical?

D: No, it was all great. We played ping-pong.

V: Did rehearsals.

E: Interviews.

D: Yes, interviews. And ping-pong.

When you we’re in Paris, did anyone mention the drug allegations that came from French people during the finale, that kinda became a diplomatic incident?

D: Yeah, you could say that it was mentioned.

They don’t resent you? Or maybe you resent France?

D: No. To feel that about the whole country would be too much of a generalization. Of course there were people who were really vocal about it, but we don’t feel any sort of resentment. It’s in the past for us. We knew they were just primitive accusations. We did what it deserved – talked a bit about it, I volunteered to do the test, and they (the accusators) were sure it had to be false. It got ridiculous, so we just stopped talking about it. We want to talk about out music, our art. The rest is just meaningless.

Right now, LGBTQ rights are a hot topic both in Italy and in Poland. You mentioned freedom of being different and being yourself on several occasions. Do you think you can change the world on this matter as musicians?

D: Maybe not change the world, but we can definitely contribute. Speak the voice of those who can’t. We have a huge following on social media, on stage, on TV, so we feel responsibility to talk about what’s important to us. We hope that something will change because of us, but we don’t consider ourselves as the ones to set the standards of justice and change. We do what we can do, and if we know enough about it, we talk about it. We don’t want to put someone elses words into ours mouths.

#maneskin #måneskin #damiano david #victoria de angelis #ethan torchio #thomas raggi #maneskin interview #måneskin interview #*mine

95 notes · View notes

craomy · 3 years

Text

Genshin Impact: Albedo x Reader (Fluff/Agnst)

Genshin Impact: Albedo x Reader (Agnst)

AN: This is just a little bit of a story idea of what I can imagine for Albedo and with the traveler. This is one of my first times doing something like this and I hope that you’ll enjoy it :)

-=+=-

“Cecilia. A beautiful flower with a name that suits its appearance. It only grows where harsh winds blow, and is just as intangible as the true heart of an unbound soul.” Albedo had held a seedling towards the traveler, (Y/N). She stared carefully in bewilderment as the young alchemist had clenched his fist. A soft glowing light had radiated from his grasp as he slowly opened his hand, revealing an elegant flower that had blossomed from his chalk. The traveler watched in awe when looking at Albedo’s little performance.

(Y/N) was the one to encourage Albedo to take up alchemy from his Master. She’s glad that she was able to give Albedo a push into the direction that his Master would have wanted him to go. Now that he’s been studying and grasping a better understanding of The Art of Khemia, (Y/N) would be the one to listen in on Albedo’s rambles of new concepts of things that would be hard to understand for any ordinary person. Albedo had genuinely enjoyed her company, but he could also feel something else in his chest.

It was a warm feeling. Something that would give him enough energy to stay up countless nights just spending time with the young girl. He couldn’t quite put it into words of what this feeling meant, but Albedo knew that he must hold onto it as long as he can.

Albedo looked back up into (Y/N)’s (E/C) eyes and couldn’t help but appreciate how they glistened underneath the moonlight. Without thinking, Albedo had tucked the Cecilia behind the girl’s ear. “It’s so... heavenly,” The ashy light blonde haired boy had whispered under his breath, too captivated to realize he was staring too long. (Y/N) blushed, hoping that her ears had heard correctly. Seeing her blush had made him grow red, retracting his hand that once traced her cheek, “I-I meant the flower. C-Cecilia’s can also mean heavenly!” the boy had flushed timidly.

He doesn’t usually get embarrassed, but lately, he’s been acting differently towards his beloved friend. (Y/N) had let out her laughter. Seeing his reaction towards her had made her realize how blessed she was to be able to meet such an extraordinary person. Albedo hid behind his sketchbook to hide his face from the (H/C) haired girl to prevent himself from feeling any more embarrassed. After all, they both were just two young kids that could see what others couldn’t see.

(Y/N) had lowered Albedo’s sketchbook to meet his bright teal eyes. He timidly stared back at his friend, his words stuck in his throat with his heart hammering against his chest. She closed the distance between both of them and had placed a soft kiss against Albedo’s forehead.

“Whatever you say, my Chalk Prince.” she caught him off guard with a peck on the head. It took a few seconds for Albedo to register what she had done. As a sign of requited feelings towards each other, he had dropped his sketch onto the soft grass of Starsnatch Cliff. He entwined one hand with (Y/N)’s while the other had been placed behind (Y/N)’s head. Both of them smiled beneath the starry night sky of Mondstadt.

“(Y/N). I don’t understand what you’re doing to me. I lack the knowledge to fully express my feelings towards you. Out of all of the people I’ve ever met, you’ve been the only one that could pique my interest... I don’t ever want to lose you.” Albedo had confessed as he closely watched (Y/N)’s beautiful features. She had let go of his hands and grinned, wrapping her arms around the studious boy. She was delighted. So excited that she had pushed Albedo against the soft grass of the cliffs.

This enchanting atmosphere was enough for Albedo. This is all he could ever ask for. (Y/N) was the perfect person to help him pursue his future career and dreams.

(Y/N)’s laughter filled Albedo’s ears as he put a hand on her back to push her closer to his chest. Holding her against his heartbeat was a brave move, even for him to do. Choosing Starsnatch Cliff as a drawing location was the best option for both of them to enjoy each other’s company.

Young love beneath the captivating moon. There was nothing more to it than two soulmates basking in each other’s presence. Two crystal butterflies fluttered over the both of them, perhaps a symbol of the both of them.

Right now the only thing Albedo could think of was her.

(Y/N).

He studied her (E/C) eyes, so allured, so caught up in the moment. Laying on the patch of grass, he readjusted the Cecilia flower in her hair. She was perfect.

“(Y/N). I want to let you know that I...” he paused.

Albedo noticed twinkling stars that glittered in the sky. Comets and shootings stars had flown over their heads. (Y/N) looked up from Albedo and watched in awe. It wasn’t often that you would see such a sight.

“We should make a wish together.” Albedo had seen how she watched in wonder. That’s right. You two came out here to make a wish.

The traveler had grinned, laying her head back down against the young man’s chest. “If that’s the case then I wish for you to accept the position of Chief Alchemist!” she had said so proudly. He softly chuckled, “You don’t have to use your wish on me for me to do that. I want you to be happy with your wish, (Y/N).” he murmured.

“But it’s true. I think that wish alone will make me happy enough.” (Y/N) spoke confidently. The ash blonde alchemist felt it again. He felt his heart beating faster again. How was it that she could only think about his well being?

“What about you, Albedo? What do you wish for?” she asked with curiosity.

Albedo blinked.

He didn’t know if he had the courage to say it out loud. He gulped, feeling her gaze to be too much for him to handle. “If you’re wishing for me, then I suppose that I have no other option but to also wish for your happiness.” He shyly muttered.

(Y/N) couldn’t stop smiling.

She wished that this moment could last forever.

With that, both of them had embraced each other in this pure moment.

Albedo reached up in the air once again while holding the (H/C) haired girl in his arms. “The universe is the dark essence of the true starry sky, and the earth is the accumulated memories of time and lives. You’ve helped me come along this journey of mine to realize that I shouldn’t keep my distance from everyone anymore,” he spoke.

“You carry the aura of the stars. More beautiful than any other view there is, the liveliest flower in Teyvat, and the greatest thing birthed from chalk. Your serenity is quite enchanting and your laughter is music to my ears, I wouldn’t know what to do if I couldn’t hear it every day. Nothing can compare to you in the universe.” Albedo confessed with sincerity that tugged his heart.

(Y/N) couldn’t have fallen in love with anyone else in the world. Albedo’s charm is what lured the young girl in the most. His search for knowledge and interest in his research is unparalleled to any other.

He sat up, holding dearly onto (Y/N)’s smaller hands.

“In other words, this is my declaration of... love. It’s all so foreign to me so I’d appreciate it if you’re patient with me.” He bashfully told the girl how he felt. (Y/N) smirked, “If that’s how you truly feel, then I’d like you to tell me the special eight letters, three words.” she teased, seeing Albedo’s blush intensify.

Albedo slowly closed the distance between the girl.

“Then if that’s the case...”

“I...”

“I love you.”

Is what Albedo would have said.

Eyes fluttering open, he began to panic in the middle of his bed. Losing the warmth and presence of (Y/N), he came to the realization that...

(Y/N) was no longer there.

Reminiscing in his dreams would brighten his memories of his lover.

That’s right.

He still can’t stop lingering from the past.

Albedo sat up from his bed, the dream feeling too surreal for him to comprehend. (Y/N)’s melodic laughter couldn’t be heard anymore. The vivid dreams he’s been having of the young (H/C) haired girl has been too much for him to handle.

“I have to go back to conducting my research. It’s what (Y/N) would have wanted.” Albedo had to remind himself out loud. If he doesn’t then he would continue to coop himself up in his bed trying to recollect the memories of (Y/N)’s lovely scent.

He slowly got up from his bed and sluggishly walked towards his desk. On his way to his chair, he knocked down a pile of sketchbooks across the floor. Not bothering to pick it up, he began to focus on the sheet of paper in front of him.

“Yes. I have to continue writing this report.” He muttered, all slumped over as he grabbed his pen. The Cecilia flowers on his desk had withered long before he could realize it on his own. Time had seemed to fly past due to his grieving.

At first, it was very... difficult.

(Y/N) never seemed like the type of person to get sick very often. She was always brave and outgoing in the lands of Mondstadt. With her adventurous ambitions, you would think that she had no weaknesses. Of course, that’s what she would show to the others on the outside. Nobody else could know about her illness. The only one she could tell of her little secret was no one other than the Chief Alchemist, her beloved.

Yet, this was the beginning of a burden. Although Albedo enjoyed discovering the truth of the world and jumping into the unknown of unknowns, this was certainly a predicament that stuck a thorn in his thumb. Albedo was able to research and identify nearly any conflict within his path as an alchemist while utilizing his knowledge of what he knew from his Master. There was no way that he wouldn’t be able to find out a cure for her illness, right?

Right?

Wrong.

Albedo snapped out of his thoughts.

Coming back to his senses, it appears that he had unconsciously drawn... her.

Again.

A perfectly sketched portrait of (Y/N). It looked like an exact replica of what (Y/N) had once looked like. Yet again, Albedo knew that nothing else would compare to her beauty. He winced, finding it difficult to rip up the paper that had depicted (Y/N)’s soft features that used to grin back at him. Frustrated, he threw everything off of his desk. All of his testing tubes and glass graduated cylinders had shattered against the cold floor.

Nothing.

None of the drawings he had could compare to her.

No matter how hard he tried to perfectly sketch her entirety, it just wasn’t enough. Albedo couldn’t find any other way to let go of his (Y/N). How else can he get rid of these aching feelings in his chest? Wasn’t he supposed to be the most talented alchemist and a natural-born genius? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one to always find a way to get her out of her troubles? Just why in the world did the Archons curse him to lose one of the things that could bring him hope?

Albedo slammed his fist against one of the portraits, accidentally tearing the paper itself. His tantrum stopped as he took a look at what he had done.

There it was.

(Y/N)’s flower had been scratched out of the painting. The beautiful Cecilia flower that Albedo had once placed behind her ear while he cherished her dearly.

He dropped to his knees in defeat.

“Why..? Why did you have to leave me, (Y/N)?” He whispered in distraught. He could feel a lump in his throat as he clenched his fists, “No... I shouldn’t be blaming you for your passing. It is all but my fault for being incompetent.” his voice was saddening. This bitter taste of love was all he had left of (Y/N).

He could no longer look at his paintings and sketches the same now that she was no longer with him. Melancholy was a word that could not measure how much he had missed her. Looking up at the stars can only bring him the painful memory of when he had professed his love to her. Walking through the field of Cecilias can only remind him of how much he had missed what it was like to hold her hand and kiss her on the forehead. The times he stayed up to continue doing his research with (Y/N) on his side would remind him that things will never be the same because she’s gone.

Perhaps his grief has gotten the best of him.

He looked at all of the scattered pages that were ripped out of his notebook. All of the pages had perfect drawings of (Y/N) in her natural state. The bags under Albedo’s teal blue eyes were enough to show anyone how much he stayed up thinking about her.

Albedo walked up to a large canvas that was carefully painted and crafted to be almost flawless. (Y/N)’s body fit the painting and looked as if she could come to life.

It didn’t matter if Albedo broke the natural laws of life.

All he wanted to do was see (Y/N)’s smile once again.

Albedo gripped the portrait in front of him desperately.

If all fails, he’ll just continue to try again.

And again.

That’s what it takes to be an alchemist. It’s all trial and error. Albedo couldn’t leave any more room for doubt. He has to continue persisting to look for her fleeting love. He will face any consequence in order to get her back safely in his arms. He’ll obstruct and rip apart any law of alchemy to even receive another affectionate, “I love you”. He is the only person to understand her weakness, and he continues to walk the path of life to have her as his strength. His azure eyes widened with determination, a surge of light glowing from his hands.

He will continue saying this.

Again.

“Arise, lifeless dust of the universe and that within. Thou art reborn.”

#genshin impact #genshin impact imagine #albedo #genshin impact albedo #albedo genshin impact #albedo x reader #reader insert #genshin impact x rea #genshin impact reader #genshin impact fanfiction #fanfiction #albedo chief alchemist #albedo mondstadt #genshin impact albedo x reader

388 notes · View notes