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leviathiane · 4 years

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Fic Rec Friday - One Piece (SFW)

I am going to make this a thing. Even if its just me and like 3 people see it lol

Ao3 Edition!

The Wanderer (MaiKusakabe) - Marco isn’t the firstmate of the Whitebeards. He’s never even met them, actually– he’s not even a pirate. But Whitebeard wants him to be one. Badly. // High Contender for my Favorite OP fic I’ve read out of all of them. Im just weak in the knees for reluctant/In-denial!Marco and the entire crew trying to reach out to their (future) eldest brother. Also has Immortal!Marco implications and im LIVING for it

Being Human (MaiKusakabe) - Slave!Marco gets taken in by Whitebeard // Listen yall know im gay for Marco-centric angst but this one really takes me by the lapels and shakes me to pieces ok i am laid low

To Build a Home (endlessblankpages) - ASL pirates get recruited (read: kidnapped) by the Whitebeards as an apology for a misunderstanding and it All Spirals From There // Very well put together, and Completed! Incredible found-family affection and fondness, som brotherly angst, All Good All Good.

wish by spirit and if by yes (midnightluck) - Sabo has his memories. A series of shenanigans of him and Ace just trying to take care of each other even with all their chaos and distance, with the Whitebeards and Koala as unwitting audience. // The exasperation and family affection got me fucked all the way up. Midnightluck consistently has my favorite characterization of Sabo out of everything I’ve read.

Clipped Wings (Beyond_Kailani) - Sabo gives up everything, as long as it means his brother’s live freely. Away from his parents. // Angsty and INCREDIBLE found family trope usage. The mental struggle to do what Sabo thinks is necessary to survive vs live his life freely is A+

Trapped in Eternity (Skyleaf19) - Ace is stuck in a long term time loop and his mental health is really, really suffering from it. // this is an angst MELTING POT and i love it. It recently updated off of hiatus but im so excited about it i literally cant focus enough to read it adefsgrth LOTS of the whitebeards trying to help Ace and Ace struggling to pretend he hates them. fantastic. *chef’s kiss*

Living Dreams (Maikusakabe) - Canon-timeline!Marco wakes up two years in the past. Before Whitebeard died. Before Ace died. Before Thatch died. He doesnt handle it well. // I dont even know where to start this is a bundle of some of my favorite tropes in one completed fic. The angst, the disbelief, the denial– it’s perfect. I’m in love

Inanition (Taizi) - small fic about how Luffy’s body works differently than his crewmates. // Short, and yet I keep coming back to it. It’s unebelievably sweet, and the tension of things left unsaid and suppressed anger out of worry is incredible.

Beginning the Next Dream (RikoJasmine) - Future!Luffy gets reborn as his own uncle, Garp’s kid and Dragon’s little brother. This changes a lot, esp. the ASL future. // Its still sort of in the beginning and already has 50k and my Heart I s2g every chapter i see updated makes me have to take a moment to calm down before I read it. Really worth the read. Very soft and sweet with the family vibes, and Luffy is a Hysterically overpowered child with haki.

Guardian (Petiteneko) - Zoro’s POV for pre-post Dressrosa, and how Law slowly, quietly works through his frankly suicidal revenge plan. Includes lulaw // Im weak for outsider!POV mental health and trauma fics. That’s really all you need to know tbh

Acclimating (Justira) - Luffy may be the outspokenly crazy one, but he hand-picked his crew and the rest of the Strawhats are just as on his bullshit despite what they say. Law is struggling through a very nosy crew. // Similar to the fic above, Law trying to leave himself to his own self-harming tendencies and the Strawhats collectively having None Of It.

Lionheart (cyan96) - Past!Law and Corazon get dumped into canon-timeline!Law’s submarine after a devil fruit incident. Trauma everywhere. // Manages to be funny and heartbreaking at exactly the same time! Lots of deeply buried trauma manifested suddenly and overwhelmingly. Incredible.

The Games (Stormy1x2) - Humorous little fic about the Whitebeard’s participating in a sort of public-sport game, in which Ace volunteers and has a great time throwing shenanigans everywhere. // very cute!! another outsider!POV type as its in Marco’s POV while Ace runs around and is just excited and adorable.

Older Brother’s Insight (Abyssal_one) - short fic about Older-brother!Luffy and Younger-brother!Ace w/ the Whitebeards // short and sweet! Im a sucker for role switch AUs and this one really highlights Luffy’s own eccentric sort of capabilities.

Portgas D. Anne and the War of Shirts (glowingjellyfishtreelights) - Anne just doesnt like shirts. this has nothing to do with anyone else. // it’s Really funny. also incredibly accurate.

Into Flame (Kurgaya) - Phoenix!Zoro, and the art of Not Actually Being Human But Never Saying That. // includes Zolu! Which usually isnt my jam, but im All Over non-human!AUs and this one is incredible. Zoro has three pairs of wings. Three. That’s wicked.

Pardus (ImperialMint) - A devil fruit materializes Ace’s worst fear. Which means he’s returning to the Moby Dick with Gold Roger himself at his heels. // funny, sad, and cute all at once. Cute family affection moments, lots of Ace being emotionally hurt and confused.

Legacy (Anjelle) - Ace died and was sent back, all the way back to when his dad still was a pirate on the Oro Jackson. // Lots of emotional turmoil and childhood trauma neatly tied up with some cathartic mental revaluation ;)

Paperwork of a Phoenix (ventusleone) - Marine!Marco and Marine!Izo happen to meet the Whitebeards during their downtime, every now and then, and, well, its not like theyre on duty. // Recently was completed! Slowburn platonic found-family vibes, a lot of Marco biting off more than he can chew and essentially being adopted in the process.

Tension Headache and Migraine (JuHuaTai) Marco overworks himself and accidentally snaps at his crewmates, including Ace. // Very tense in the beginning and smooths out to something apologetic and softer. Has some nsfw in the end, overall Fanastic lmao

Tomorrow Never Happens (Midnightluck) - Sabo pickpockets the wrong marine and gets caught. Which sucks on a normal day, except this one is huge, and burly, and an admiral, and apparently his grandfather. // humorous and slightly angsty all at once! Another Sabo-Gets-His-Memories-Back-Canon-Divergence type story, because I am simple and predictable and it’s still fantastic.

Blue Moon (MyLadyDay) - Werewolf!Marco protects the forest. It just so happens that (Witch?)Ace does so too. // Has some very quiet vibes I really dig, very calm and makes me think of a deep grey-blue color for some reason. Like Full moonlight through the trees. Very cute

#these arent even... half my favorites #but if i kept going id never stop :/ i have a lot #im gonna just start doing this every so often on a friday bc its Fun and i like mentioning people who make good content #please check them out!#fic rec #op fic rec #one piece #fanfiction #fanfic rec #Portgas D. Ace #revolutionary sabo #monkey d. luffy #marco the phoenix #uhh i think ill die if i tag everyone. lets stop there #anyway its 2am so not really friday anymore but u get it lmao goodnight #mine #lmk if yall want more recs ajhfgyehu ill give them ANYWAY but #if any o fu have a specific fandom in mind i probably have a couple to point out for u to check out #im only doing OP on my own bc thats my current fix #and i havent been in KNY long enough to find all the gold #but send me a fandom in ask and i can probably whip something up provided ive been in said fandom #also im active on both Ao3 and FF so specify which site if u want a list pls

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clownbeep · 5 years

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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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airxiem · 2 years

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The statute of limitations for arson is 4 years.

It has been 4 years. I sent a molotov cocktail into the front yard of the house I was literally an inch away from being trafficked when I trusted someone I knew from the local bar scene to go hangout at his house.

It was back back back in the woods in John's Island SC. I had an iPhone at that time, I opened my camera and pressed record while the phone was in my lap before anything happened. I don't know why I did it to this day, but my Icloud account had the exact coordinates of the place, not just an address. Had I not made a call right before things got ugly, I don't want to think about what could have happened.

Long story short, I moved back to Florida in September that year, a month after this happened because I had no support up there and I spiraled quick. I went back the next February with the car I had to visit the friends I did have like I would have had I not moved out of state in a matter of 2 days after making the decision.

I visited myrtle Beach first, I had to figure out that another man I trusted was garbage and went to the area I lived the day after that disaster happened. The friend I stayed with lived in goose creek. North Charleston is where I lived.

I didn't have the extra gas, but I did it anyway. I have a video I took from my dash (I drove for lyft and it was sitting in it holder...I think...😰) I was blaring set it off by Boosie and I wrote "Bet, bitch" on it. Saved it. Didn't post.

I'd never made one, but I had everything I needed. The empty liquor bottle hid in my spare tire because I was literally saving it to smash somewhere (in a dumpster or similar not where people would step on it) crossed the Florida and Georgia state lines with me, I had a big thing of lighter fluid because I accidentally bought that instead of butane the first time I bought a torch (I had just done meth a couple times the month before, I didn't bring any and I didn't want my friends to know I'd done it) and I had a nice rag that was used to soak up a little bit of gasoline, also with the bottle hiding in my spare tire.

I always say I have the wrong kind of confidence at the right times with a few exceptions. I didn't even think twice. I didn't go up to the house, if I set fire to it and other women or young girls were in there I'd never forgive myself. I k ow fire spreads, however I also know that a coke fiend with a steady supply of money from selling that plus others and that's not even including if he had any women 'working' for him...isn't gonna be asleep before 3 or 4. I didn't see lights on, but I knew that was normal for a house with visitors coming day and night. Nevertheless, I didn't scramble to do this. I got out and prepared the thing in my trunk, the car was facing the house and I had my lights off. I walked a few steps away from my car, at least 6 feet, found my zippy lighter in the trunk too by the way, looked at it for a second because it was wow I'd never used a weapon before, and I smashed it right at the base of a small tree. Ran back to the car, turned the keys I left in the ignition(oops? Lol?) And I drove away like Katsuragi in the first episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Until I was back in normal traffic, I wasn't that brave.

Anytime I was asked about this story, I asked the person what the statute of limitations on arson was. Sometimes I got looked at like I was being weird on purpose, but I wasn't giving anyone the power to get me into trouble over that. I didn't know how the police were in that area, or in SC in general. Small towns where im from are the wrong place to be if you piss someone off bad enough. Especially if they know someone with pigs or where to find wild boar. The unsolved murder rate in my county has been grim at best, and our sheriff 10 years ago used to have a big Ole pot farm and he sold it (he totally still does). I worried because i didn't call, that I would get stuck there or die, that people wouldn't believe me, and that if worse happened and I did call...I'd get arrested (I almost got arrested for being hit by a coworker because i sprinkled shredded cheese inside his personal bubble, didn't even get him with the cheese. We were joking around and he'd thrown the seran wrap way up high where I couldn't reach while we closed)

I regret not saying anything because if it happened again, it'd happen the same or in a similar way and do as much or more damage to someone else. However, I'm happy that I didn't have to testify in court against a big drug dealer and have to worry about my safety. One of my friends up there that was in that little friend group I had was dating that man's drug dealer. Even though he didn't really like me much, my friend asked me to tell him what happened so I did. That man looked me dead in the eye and told me it'd be dealt with and that he took it seriously. I moved after that. When I came to visit...nobody had seen or heard of the guy. There was another man that was there which was his cousin, he was still around. I figured he was still at that house. I wasn't clear on which one owned it, I remember very little of what was talked about before I said no to the guy that brought me there and all that BS.

I think he lied to his cousin about what was going on with me, which wasn't exactly something he could hide for very long and lie it away. I had been in the same room crying and saying no and then all the screwed up shit he said...he was high and talked loud as hell...the guy asked me if I was OK when I got 'permission' to get one of my own cigarettes. I didn't really answer him and it looked like he was walking on his own eggshells. He didn't really say anything else to me other than telling his cousin he needed to get me home because it was literally the next day

I did some coke, yes. However I didn't do very much because I didn't have more money. I still turned down drugs from men I didn't know if I had no money. If I as able to ome up with a few dollars or had it, sure. I specifically say that I will accept a gift, but I don't have money and I won't do anything in return for it. For an addict that's weird, but I am completely grossed out by having sex with people I don't know. After this happened, every person I didn't know well that i ran into multiple times during the days I still went to the bar and still got drugs after this happened, I said the same thing, sometimes twice. Usually, it was fine. I said this to a guy that was probably 5 years younger than me and it scared him 😅 but even he got it. I remember the couple of people that it bothered even though they acted like it did.

I go for non violent, peaceful responses to people for a number of reasons....but even I had my day. I regret that I didn't do it before I moved while the guy was definitely there, but thats not even a completely true statement. It'd have been awesome sure, but what would that even achieve?

Im gonna look for the snap chat video. I think it's still in my snapshot memories.

Moral of the story

I don't know just don't kill anyone if you light a big fire, or tell anyone, or take a snap chat video of it even if you're not driving lol

I didn't proofread this yet but I doubt many people will see it anyway, I used a bunch of BS tags lol but it's fine

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thecooler · 6 years

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i dont think i ever posted this but fuck.............. post-war jakemarco man. i think most ani fans see Jake as het and Marco is usually shipped w Ax but.......... it’s smth that really struck me while reading the kids’ post-war logs.

if you read between the lines of marco’s narration, you realize that marco isn’t actively talking to jake. he tells cassie he sees him regularly and is worried about him but he never actually mentions talking to him. we know marco has spied on him in bird form too, so im leaning towards “is actually always in bird morph and never actually talks to him”

and i found myself dwelling on what if marco actually did talk to jake? what if cassie had realized he wasnt telling her the whole truth and made him do it?

jake lost all sense of normalcy post-war. he couldn’t cope with what his life has become because, very arguably more than all the others, his life had been viciously torn to pieces, beyond repair. he ordered his cousin to kill his brother, killing her in the process, very likely killed his parents in the process of slaughtering the yeerk pool, and if they are alive, they likely dont- can’t- talk to him any more.

cassie won’t talk to him- can barely look at him- tobias, who was always first to question him, hates him openly and viciously, and ax is on a different planet. marco has been there since the start. he’s the only thing jake has left from when this all started- the only one who was close to him from beginning to end

i really believe so much could have changed for both of them if they had just... talked. theres a lot of strength in solidarity, and neither of them had that. they emerged from the war horribly traumatized child soliders. jake was herelded as a hero, but constantly regrets the decisions he made as the groups’ leader, and regards himself as a war criminal and isolates himself. Marco pretends to be okay and drowns himself in luxury but if you know him at all you can clearly tell that he has no direction in his life any more, that the war sucked any normal track his life could take away and he’s stuck walking in circles

i just. its the little things. if marco had pushed himself back into jake’s life, yknow? they both start meds [marco’s idea], and go to therapy [jake’s idea], and eventually they live together- it starts when jake has a major down period and marco is worried for them. they spend a lot of nights passed out on the couch together because one of them knew the other would spiral that night if they weren’t by their side.

eventually, things get a bit better. not all the way, never all the way, but bit by bit, jake is able to talk to people again. the two of them get back into video games and they play together, jake starts doing occasional interviews and talk shows and the like, though he requires a lot of emotional support through the process. marco finds an outlet through city planning. its not the same, and he sometimes becomes frustrated, but they’re managing, theyre coping

eventually marco sort of awkwardly asks if they’re uh, yknoiw?? dating? and jake is sort of awkward because he’s had feelings for marco for years now but hes never known how to express them

i just want. the traumatized kids to be marginally ok

#cutting edge meme humor #animorphs spoilers #jakemarco

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tigren · 7 years

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im going to do the 30 day neopet challenge but im going to do it in one post under a readmore bc i will almost certainly forget it within the first week if i do it the proper way, i don’t think anyone is going to care about my responses in particular and i don’t want to spam people daily, and most importantly: im super bored right now

Day 01: When did you start playing Neopets and how old is your current account?

my first account got purged but i saved the date that i created it. i had my 14 year neopets anniversary last month WOW!!! my current account will turn 11 in may.

Day 02: How did you find out about Neopets?

i think my brother made a neopets account when he was like 10ish, he didn’t get super into it but my dad also made an account and got really involved with the site!! i was like 6 or 7 and i just really liked poogle solitaire (rip). i don’t think i actually knew how to play but it amused me and my dad let me continue playing because he got stuff for it. but eventually i guess he got sick of me being on my account and made one for me. my first username was bleubaby_72, which is named after a doll i had as a much younger child (Blue Baby, misspelled) and i don’t think the 72 means anything. my first pet was a yellow aisha whose name i don’t remember... my dream pet was a desert aisha (would still die for a UC desert aisha, i wouldn’t say theyre my fave but THE SENTIMENTAL VALUE.......)

Day 03: Favourite Neopets species?

i love boris! and yurbles recently shot up my list of fave pets, but i don’t like a lot of their colors. i generally prefer neopets that are mammalian (but not as a rule necessarily) and have features of real animals but can’t necessarily be pinpointed as a certain real species. like, aishas and wockies are cats, gelerts and lupes are dogs, grarrls are tyrannosaurus rex, elephantes are duh. and thats fine and good i still like a lot of those species! but yurbles for example have that hedgehog/bear thing going on but they also have their weird spiral ears and neck ruff. and thats my favorite thing.

i also really like unis because i’ve been a horse girl since childhood n never grew out of it, and they have great colors. and aishas were my first fave and will always be one of my favorites. so i can appreciate pets that can more easily be represented by 1 animal.

Day 04: How many pets do you own and which is your favourite?

ummmmmm 14 i think? there might be a few other pets rotting on sides that i kinda forgot about, i’m too lazy to check. Abbur is my favorite, he’s my pink bori baby boy and i just care about him with all my heart. i really like his customization and none of my pets have any real “stories” or anything but most of them have vague personalities and histories and his is more developed than any of my other pets. Alabryss is another fave, i’ve had him for FOREVER and he’s always been a uni but he’s gone thru a billion color changes. he’s royal now and will almost definitely be royal for the rest of his life. his name is a misspelling of the petpet Alabriss (i think i made him 1 day after they were released) which i didn’t totally do on purpose.. like obviously i got the name from the petpet but i didn’t realize until a while later that i had subconsciously used it. anyway i’m not complaining, i still love him and he has an alabriss petpet named yuni

Day 05: Favourite Paint Brush colour?

OHH HBOY that’s hard!!! off the top of my head w/o looking through colors or anything i like royal and desert bc they’re generally more Elaborate w/ the clothes options and stuff. but i also have a big appreciation for cheap colors like cloud and ghost.. they look good on almost every pet imo. i like starry a lot too, big obnoxious iconic neopets stars. i especially like when starry pets have orange accents.

Day 06: Favourite Labray only colour?

is robot labray only? robot is cool. i guess there’s the robot zapper thing from the dr sloth plot forever ago but does that count?? i think chocolate would be my next choice. i can’t even remember all the labray only colors

Day 07: Favourite Petpet species?

this is so hard!!! i’ve always loved petpets SOO much. i’ve recently started to have a big appreciation for the super like.. generic, classic petpets.. like the kinds youd find in the neopia central petpet shop. they have a certain charm to them and i love them. i’ve always liked crokabeks a lot, theyre sooooo square shaped!! square crows! gruslen & doglefox were my faves as a kid.

Day 08: Favourite Petpet colour?

birthday is rly cute

Day 09: Favourite Petpetpet species?

uhhhhh i don’t know all the petpetpets and never had THAT much of an interest in them. what’s the one that looks like a praying mantis??? i’ve always liked those

ok wait i just looked up a list and petpetpets can be p cute actually. i still like the praying mantis dude, moach, but i also love: cooty, fleaf, lightmite, and zytch. i don’t tend to like art of petpetpets in games and stuff but they’re cute in their regular images.. theyre so small......

Day 10: Favorite Neopian world?

UHHHHHHH since i was a kid i’ve always liked: faerieland, lost desert, and mystery island.

Day 11: Which team do you pick for the Altador Cup and why?

always darigan citadel. i don’t really know why i picked it my first year... i was never like an Edgy Goth Kid or anything. they got 2nd place the first year and i thought that was awesome, and i had also gotten involved with a really fun DC chat group so i joined them again the next year. then they won and that was awesome!! other people in the chat group started joining other teams and there was no reason it needed to be a DC only group (it was called the 30 trillionaires... our “goal” every year was to collectively make it to 30 trillion goals during the season. which is impossible but idk that was what made it kind of fun i guess.. it was just casual yooyuball grinding and chatting with friends lol) so i wasn’t “stuck” with the team but even after they stopped doing so well i stuck with them out of loyalty. i used to be SUPER into the altador cup but i lost touch w/ the chat group and never got into it again

Day 12: Favourite Avatar?

ANOTHER HARD QUESTION!! i’ve always LOVED the bon appetite kelp one.. which i still don’t have. generally i prefer the “older” style of avatars where they were simpler, mostly animated but in a simple way and a lot of the time w/ pixel art elements. i feel like a lot of newer avatars have a way heavier focus on animation, like theyre just lil gifs, they lost a lot of that simplicity. i also tend to be biased toward avatars that have odd shapes rather than just being squares. like gloomy and jazzmosis and taelia. even the circle ones that still have regular borders are pleasing to me

Day 13: Which chat boards do you usually chat in?

i don’t use the boards much... i lurk newbie chat a lot and sometimes try to get involved and talk w/ people but i never keep it up. i was an avatar chat girl as a kid and that’s still the place i feel the most comfortable i guess.

Day 14: Are you in a guild?

nope! i LOOOOOVED guilds and 10 year old me would be so upset to find out that i’m not involved in the Guild Life anyway. imo it’d be really cool if guilds got a rehaul.

Day 15: Favourite Faerie?

mira is my girl.. i like the battle faerie a lot too but i can’t remember her name.

Day 16: Do you have a gallery and does it have a theme?

i have one created but i don’t even know what’s in there, i don’t pay much attention to it. i think i just have a few plushies and petpets and random items i thought were cute or charming. i like the idea of one day having a guild with a cool theme.

Day 17: Do you use the Battledome?

not really. i have my dad’s old account now with a super super powerful battle pet (he was Famous in the BD and i think for a while his pet was one of the most powerful pets on the whole site) so i guess i should take advantage of that but i don’t

Day 18: Do you use the NC Mall?

nah... i use the free NC when i get it, usually. i think i have some accrued on a few different accounts that i just don’t use. it’s kind of a pain in the ass to worry about NC items in customizations on diff side accounts.

Day 19: Favourite shop to shop at?

i rarely even look at neopets shops lol. when i was younger i really liked the faerieland petpet shop. that’s all i got for u

Day 20: Favourite game?

i feel obligated to say spinacles bc it’s my blog title but i don’t even like spinacles, i’m just good at it and there were a good few months when i got a good number of people who aren’t normally super into neopets obsessed w/ beating my score and it Amused me. i’m not even like a spinacles Master but i do know how to get gold Very easily. anyway uhhh i think let it slide is fun and i’m fairly good at it but i hate playing it for np because it feels like it takes forever and it gets boring. i feel the same way about assignment 51 which i also like the Aesthetic of a lot. i have a love/hate relationship with ultimate bullseye II

Day 21: How many items are currently in your Safety Deposit Box?

Items: 1,900 | Qty: 2,828

Day 22: Whats the most amount of Neopoints you’ve ever had at one time?

i hit 8mil recently and then spent some of it on a royal pb. i had planned on going for 10mil before spending any (so i can get that sweet bank account upgrade) but i got impatient.

Day 23: Do you use the Stock Market?

occasionally. i don’t check it every day but i have a decent portfolio

Day 24: Favourite Daily (ex. Coltzan’s Shrine, Tombola, etc.)?

i kinda like the discarded blue grundo plushie or w/e in faerieland. i don’t know his whole stupid name but i remember when he was just a tiny pixel in faerieland that didn’t do anything, so it’s cute that he’s a daily now and gets visited by people more often.

Day 25: Do you decorate your Neohome(s)?

not at all

Day 26: What is a Paint Brush colour TNT should release next?

honestly why dont they just make pet pb colors out of colors that are currently petpet exclusive? birthday and valentine? fuckin.. picnic might be harder to execute but it’s out there and it’s a fun one.

Day 27: Favourite hero? Favourite Villian?

i’m not as educated about neopets lore as i’d like to be i think..... i like nabile, shes a hero right?? and i’ve always like balthazar. he’s a piece of shit.

Day 28: Favourite plot or site event?

my biggest regret is not being more involved in plots as a kid :( i read the comics but didnt participate. i really liked the LDP comic and wish i’d been part of the actual puzzles and stuff.

Day 29: Are there certain items you collect?

i kind of collect cute petpets, i love them and don’t usually get rid of them once i acquire them. same with cute plushies. also i like the poorly drawn items from the “artists day off” days, smelly jelly is one of my faves i think

Day 30: Why do you like Neopets?

there’s... so much to do!!!! like yeah the site is dying and jumpstart is digging its own grave and sooo many parts of the site are dead or broken or whatever but there’s still just, always a new goal to strive toward and a new thing to get into and i think that’s cool.

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tripile · 5 years

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A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

The post A Winter CSF Leak Update appeared first on Legal Nomads.

A Winter CSF Leak Update published first on https://oceandreamblog.tumblr.com/

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thesmallcast · 6 years

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Friend Code.

When it comes to communication, I am not the greatest at expressing myself or telling others how I feel. I get worried about what people think - what I’m going to say may be embarrassing or trivial. I do harp on that I worry about what others think of me I think it’s important for me to clarify... that I do care but I’m not consistently always thinking about it . This blog is my forum to talk about those moments and time. To step back and look into it and scope the whole perspective of those involved and not just thinking about myself! So let me be clear I have strengths and I have my weaknesses and for me, they are pretty black and white (I will be posting these soon - with a feature of friends insights)

I just don’t get how I can be completely open about some things but completely shut off about others. I like to play the cool guy with exciting and adventurous stories who comes across as laid back yet i do caught up on little things and hate feeling certain feelings - it can spiral me down into a hole which makes me feel worse! Part of my issue is that with certain friendships and relationships, I have had, I set expectations of how I expect people to act, react or treat me and get taken back when it doesn’t go to plan - I almost struggle to explain it in writing what my thought process is or how it makes me feel though I have summarised it the best I can.

In March, I was back in my homeland, when I got back to Australia, one of my best mates was distant and hadn’t been in touch. I could sense that she was off but I also was too. I felt a bit off about a few things that took place and they were putting me out of place and I guess I expected things to be a certain way and they weren’t. I was looking at situations one-sided and getting wrapped up in expectations and emotions. We ended up having an hour phone chat to talk about our thoughts, feelings and emotions toward another and although best mates we had never opened up like that before. It was confronting but so refreshing.

To set the back story. It played out in two stages.

Stage 1:

A group of my girls went to dinner, SP was running late due to traffic and the rest of the girls were already seated at the table. I was super excited to see her and we give each other a big hug. As soon as she got there, my expectations kick in, expecting that she would ask me how my day was, or how I was going .... but she started a conversation over me and I could feel myself falling into a funk’

(I would describe my ‘funks’ as me being quiet, reserved, distant, non-communicative, cold, short, sometimes snappy. I let off a grumpy fine. That vibe when you ask your partner if they are ok and they say ‘im fine’ but in there head thoughts, emotion and clocks are ticking over. )

Now my self-analysis of this situation

My expectation wasn’t met - I was self-absorbed and only thinking of number 1

She hadn’t seen the other girls in a couple of weeks ( and we talk every day)

Maybe I felt jealous that I didn’t get her undivided attention

I instantly closed up and felt myself going quiet and overthinking! In my head, I’m panicking and trying to self-assess which is harder at the time and in a moment. I whispered over and asked, “We are all good right ?!, I just want to double check for my own reassurance”. She confirmed “Yeah of course”.

*Back to normal*.

This is one of my biggest challenges I sometimes close off and wind up in this awkward funk and not sure how to address it at the time. I was pretty impressed with myself at dealing with it so fast. However, when SP closed these issues out over the phone the following week she told me how it made her feel. She said it makes her feel uncomfortable when I close off, she doesn't know how to act towards me without setting me off. “ I sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you”.I actually thought “Wow, you know what I’ve never thought how does that make others feel, or what they are thinking “. My funks can be unpredictable but it was a bit of an eye opener really. I never have stopped to think about how anyone else is feeling while I’m funking and how they feeling. Though it’s sometimes really hard for me to get out of it. Not all my friends have experienced this side of Sam and it probably would be something they wouldn’t imagine I would get like.

Stage 2:

We had a party at our friend's house for St Paddy’s. I have no issues partying while being sober however if I feel left out or experience any emotion it’s not hidden with alcohol and I have to deal with it. On this particular night, I had felt the feeling of being “left out” - over something so small I didn’t know how to address it. SPK took a photo with our friend LH and I felt excluded because she didn’t want one with me. I couldn’t understand why! ( But I also didn’t ask). The next day after, SP posted the photo of her and LH to Instagram and I noticed SP never posts pictures with me. My instant thought process; Is she embarrassed by me, Am I not good enough, is it because of how I look? Silly right and so sad my mind went straight to that thought process ( Will delve into that another day). I did mention this in our discussion and she confirmed... I'm silly. I am usually the one posting photos and didn't even cross her mind.

I later found out that I had made a comment while playing a drinking game which had made SP a bit upset with me. It was a game where you built a word with each player saying a letter. We had already spelt “S-A-M”. LH directed SP with the next letter “What did you go to today”, thinking the sample sale that they had been too. She was trying to give her the letter “P”. I said, “What is something you smoke”. I knew immediately it was the most foolish thing to say in a group of friends. It’s so common for people to be smoking P back home these days and I know that a few people in that house that night had experimented. It was unfair of me to make the comment and it made her immediately feel awkward. I didn’t even think.

When SP and I addressed these issues she felt like I was singling her out. The comment was uncalled for but I would have made it without thinking to anyone there. She had a point, I do single her out and she even confronted me. “What makes you act this way”. She said that I wouldn’t treat anyone else like that from the group. I couldn’t immediately answer on it because it’s true I do single out my best mates more. Jealousy? Possession? Attention? Expectations? I’m still trying to work on this. I remember having a meltdown as my best friend SG, was hanging out with another girl and not giving me any attention while I was with my then boyfriend. I recall him saying that he wanted me to care about him the way I cared about my friend which I didn’t’ ...until he pulled away.

SP and I have been friends since high school, we got closer when we left school and she has been there for me through ALOT. She even flew over to Sydney to spend a weekend with me when I was going through a really rough patch. She is someone I can tell anything to without getting judged. She is always so truly supportive. We have never taken the time to discuss each others feeling before, primarily hers. I never had asked. “How does it make you feel”. We are both so different in character. I learnt so much about this conversation and her being open and upfront about her feelings! I think it made me feel better as it made me deal with other situations better and almost resolved any feelings of jealousy immediately as there’s no reason to feel that way! Jealously is how you lose friends and lovers ... not keep them.

The conversation was initially confronting but also just what I needed to hear. I can be so oblivious and stuck in a certain behaviour. I self-reflect were I can and identify triggers and those pinch points. I also appreciate it when someone points it out to me as well. It's just like a workplace setting - How are you to improve and get better if you don’t do a self-assessment and get constructive feedback?. I'm truly blessed to have this chick in my life. We have gone through some little fights here and there but it only makes us stronger individuals and we also learn for next time.

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anything-advice-blog · 6 years

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[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

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