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#i dont think ive thought of anyone else yet
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Georgette and sekido part 8
overthinking
This one is kinda a continuation to the last one i made yesterday
Even since the beginning of there first encounter she had always tried to keep away from him because he was very intimidating but after finally bieng alone to talk to him that fateful day there relationship started to slowly develop from there but would revert back when his anger got the best of him towards her accidentally.
But on this particular day she was avoiding him for a week now and soon his rage would dwell into fear he thought he was going to lose her for good and choose to be with the others instead of him permanently.
He was in his working station in his room mot even able to concentrate as he fidgets around his pen while the other massages his temple his leg making the same movement as his working hand he was nervous more so that his beloved could possibly be thinking to leave him now because he went to far in his words.
He may be the embodiment of anger but still shares the same anxiety as hantengu just not to that extreme. Soon his chest almost felt tight and suddenly hes gulping down his weakness near the edge of wanting to have a paranoid breakdown never in his life has he felt such guilt for his actions not like this hes not used to this feeling at all and it only agitates him more that hes in this vulnerable state of despair and shame.
But then the door slides open he had forgotten to lock it. it was georgette, she had come to check up on him after never leaving his room all day today sne was worried for his well-being but before she could even say anything something was already wrong by the shaking body gesture and hands clutched onto his head "sekido!" She called.
Immideatly he jolted to her way. His eyes where wide in fear and it looked as if he was fighting back tears seeing the glisten of his eyes while sweating. His panick attack was about to hit full blown but her presence and look of genuine concern blocked it from happening.
"g-gerogie..." Just before she could move towards him with open arms sekido jumped out of his seat to hold her missing her warmth her gentlness her scent everything about this woman he missed it all. Wrapping his arms around her waist before he fell to his knees the wetness of her dress as he silently sobs of relief.
"sekido! Sekido! Hey whats wrong? My thunder storm why do you weep?" She kneels down letting him rest upon her lap as he lets it all out fingers caressing his soft auborn colored hair.
His words took time to put together, pulling together to stop from hyperventilating until finally words managed to escape his mouth.
" i-i-...im sorry! Ok there! Sorry! I know im not the kindest of person in the world infact i dont even deserve to be treated with such gesture! Y-you deserve better ok! Go with ai hes more empathetic o-or urogi! He can make you smile! Even stupid karaku would be better of with you! J-just...*fighting the urge not to cry again* anyone but me ok! I dont want to hurt you like that ever again I'm sorry georgie im so sorry!...."
She sat there and listened to his woes, she had no idea that he would have been affected by her absence, she only wanted to give him room to breath no matter how long it taked but that wasnt the case sekido missed her since day one of leaving him alone and now his guilt took a toll on him that she would leave him for somone else somone better and kinder. Yet little did sekido know he was kind a very different kind of kindness that was rare to see.
" my love, why do you say such nonsense? I already have the most kindest most understanding man right her on my lap." She moves her other hand to rub his shoulder.
" your motherly nature when you look out for your comrades is something i admire, perhaps strict but nonetheless its because you care for there safety"
" and dont think ive forgotten the time when you nurtured me during the time i came home with my face disfigured you still complimented me thoughtful after i was feeling low self esteem in that moment and to top it off you even came to my care when i was sick due to my ability even though you didnt have to. i think about it often "she chuckles placing a kiss on his forhead.
" you are loved sekido, and you are wanted. Nobody is perfect and thats ok...im not eather. No matter how rocky our relationship gets i want us to be able to solve it together because at the end of the day while i love the other three i want to be with *you* more than anyone sekido.."
He listened and the more he did the more he was gaining his composure again. He needed to hear that this was something hes been needing to hear for a long time now. Hes flawed and thats ok she is aswell. As his worries finally drift away sekido finally had the courage to slowly lift himself up to her nuzzling on the crook of her neck the same she did to him during that day of her mental breakdown.
"thank you, my rose..."
"i really needed to hear that..." He deeply sighed feeling true relaxation now.
" i think if you hadnt had come here any time i would have already bashed my head againts the wall along with the other idiots."
She only laughed
" where going to have to work on a different approach for a better anger management for example"
Hands him a rubber stress ball "tada!'
"....what the fuck is that?'" he looked at it with disgust the texture feeling wrong to him
" a stress management ball you can squeeze it throw it and smash it to let your anger all out see? Im good at this!"
He just stares at it and then clutches it with his fists then snorts.
" well this sure looks fun.."
"because it is my little lightning bolt ❤️"
Dividers by @/elryisia
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random-blep · 1 year
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Okay okay so I completely forgot I straight up had pajama headcanons for characters so like here they are
Diluc: has a full nightgown like the one scrooge wore in a Christmas carol. Full length goes to the floor
Kaeya: this man wears so little to bed. This is for convenience and comfort. He's like the type to just wear his underwear to bed.
Jean: she seems like the type to be so exhausted she ends up just sleeping in her shirt and pants from the previous day. But when she has the energy to not immediately crash she has those cute night gowns. Goes past her knees
Lisa: seems like the type to sleep with a sleep shirt and no pants.
Klee: she has a good choice between matching shirt and pants combo , a cute night gown, and onesies. It's just so she has choice for what will make her most comfortable.
Razor: he isn't knowledgeable in the whole pajama thing. He sleeps in his day clothes.
Bennet: he seems like the type to have a mis matched shirt and pants combo because he had it matching but he lost the top for the set. The set tho looks old and worn cause he's unlucky and stuff happens
Fischl: she likes her pajamas to either be shorts and an oversized shirt or something like that
Albedo: I think he hardly rests like Jean, except he feels like a he sleeps in just shorts/pants kinda guy when he does sleep
Venti: this man sleeps fully clothed , he only pretends to be mortal so the sleeping in clothes thing doesn't bother him
Rosaria: gotta have pants and a shirt, gotta always be ready to get up at any notice.
Zhongli: he seems like the type to wear whatever he's in the mood for. Nightgown, shirt and pants, naked. Whatever's most comfy for him at that moment. But he does seem like the type to have a robe to put on when he needs to get out of bed for anything
Xiao: he sleeps in his clothes cause he's the type to sleep where he drops. If he were to take proper rest I think what would be good for him would be to wear an oversized shirt and shorts.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 month
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...
#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.#unrelated
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toastsnaffler · 8 months
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I know you're not supposed to talk abt fight club or whatever but just finished reading it and holy fuck was that a book
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dog-girl-zezora · 4 months
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ruvigapo · 1 year
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Honestly like... im kinda at a point where i want to stop emulating other artists???
Life is too short to try to be someone else
Just be you, ya kno??
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theygender · 1 year
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My gf and I have talked about hypothetically opening up our relationship at some point in the future which would make me very happy as a polyamorous person, but I just realized that if that actually happens and I have to go back out on the dating scene I'm gonna have some trouble bc now that I'm more outwardly butch people are gonna expect me to make the first move and I have never made a first move in my entire life
In all of my relationships but two the first move was made by the other person, and I wasn't even the person who made the first move in the other two. In the first one the girl chickened out on her plans to ask me out and then our mutual friend who didn't realize that that had happened outed her by asking me what I said afterwards, and in the second one me and the other person both went to the same friend on the same day to talk about our crushes on each other and then she made us talk about our feelings
I met my current girlfriend on a dating app, and the first time she tried to ask me on a date she wanted to take me to the theater so she asked me if I had seen the new beauty & the beast movie and then instead of realizing that she was asking me on a date I said that I'd already seen it and gave her a negative review of the movie. And then when she asked me on a date again a few weeks later I had to ask to make sure it was a date when I got there 😭
...And that reminds me of another event in high school where a girl I liked took me to the mall and we walked around holding hands the entire time and then afterwards I had to get one of our mutual friends to ask her if it was supposed to be a date bc I was too nervous and also stupid 😭 Another girl that year asked me to skip class with her and told me that if I flashed my pretty smile at the teacher I could probably get away with it and I had to show the text to my friend to ask if she was flirting. I'm gonna die out there on my own 😭
#rambling#the friend i showed the message to was the same one i made ask the other girl if it was a date#and he didnt even answer he just raised his eyebrow and stared at me like 'really?'#god im just. remembering how stupid i was in high school now#there were two other crushes that i had who may have potentially liked me back and i may have even been told that by multiple people#but i was so deep in my self hatred and also stupid that i didnt think it was possible for them or anyone else to like me 😭#they both were friends of mine and they eventually stopped talking to me completely and i couldnt figure out why#and now i hope its not bc they they thought i was leading them on. bc i wasnt. i was just a massive idiot#you have to explicitly tell me that youre interested in me or want to go on a date or whatever or im not gonna get it#and tbh. that didnt even always work#my first major crush in high school was on a girl who told me directly multiple times that she was into me#but i was even DEEPER in my self hatred at that time#(and also only just figuring out how social interaction worked bc she was helping my autistic ass learn)#so i just. assumed it was a joke. bc no one could have possibly been interested in me and definitely not such an amazing person#i guess at least i have a scrap of self confidence now and im brave enough to ask for clarification now#and if i specifically ask someone on a date at least i would know for sure its a date?#and it could either be lame or cute but i could ask for permission to kiss them. it worked for my gf#i cant interpret signals for shit 😭#i dont even have a valid reason to be thinking about this right now lol its not like i have permission to date anyone else romantically yet#but ive been watching clone high with my gf and abe keeps misinterpreting joan directly saying that she wants him in increasingly dumb ways#and i just keep cringing bc i realized that that was me ahdjsksl....#only difference is in my case it was never bc i was ignoring them for someone else. it was ALWAYS bc i was an idiot#literally i would be there pining for them and every attempt they made would go right over my head#you have to be morosexual and very persistent to date me 😭 or tell a mutual friend whos very persistent ig lol#i know we are All useless lesbians but i think i deserve a medal or smth#ill hang it on my corkboard next to the souvenir that one of my crushes who i didnt think liked me back got for me in high school#which was a plastic license plate that said 'babygirl' on it bc that was her nickname for me 😅#god i really hope people didnt think i was leading them on. imagine someone thinking im a player flirting with a bunch of different girls#without ever making things official. when really if i found out for certain any of them were interested in me i would have died of shock 😭#and if we WERE in fact flirting i wouldnt have realized it. i was just SO scared and SO stupid 😭😭😭
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savage-rhi · 8 months
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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homophyte · 1 year
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well i finished reading the de-loused story booklet
#the mars volta#jesus fucking christ that ending is bleak#idk if anyone else came away with that impression but#the whole of it is so out there that the final piece just...dragging your forcibly into#remembering that its abt a real persons real suicide is just really heartbreaking#i think it is a worthwhile question to ask like. does deloused (story and album)#work as a memorial to julio venegas#does it memorialize. does it do so in a way thats befitting#and honestly i went into reading it thinking 'no' but ive come away with a different impression#theres nuance in it but the gut punch of how barebones the last part is compared to the rest imo make a commentary on them#on the need to like. commodify death into something eclectic and enjoyable and intellectually stimulating and sufficiently weird#but then in the end its just a death. its a very painfully real death.#you dont get 'resolution' on what happens when he 'goes back' because theres no such thing. he dies#and then like....taking that in concert with ambuletz? as a piece separate from the album but functioning as its closer? whoof#its distressing and sad and real in ways i hadnt thought it attribute to the album itself before#and it kinda makes it all the more sad that the selling point of the album is 'morphine and rat poison'#that very knee jerk morbid fascination is exactly what it winds up critiquing#even as some of the earlier parts perpetuate it by being graphic in certain ways and like. trying to hook you on those points#idk its interesting im glad i read it. i may yet again#frances remains my main interest and im glad for it bc i think to a certain extent tearing into deloused with that kind of zealous rigor#is disrespectful to the very dead it seeks to show respect#uhm anyway back to being normal
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vanillabat99 · 1 year
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The Horrors have returned and I am Plagued By Visions yet again.
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readymades2002 · 1 year
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i have pushed myself really hard in terms of art and in terms of working with other people and im very proud of myself. also i never want to push myself to do anything hard ever again ever
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–
#mine#i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh#i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else#im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that#anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee#made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon#i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him#'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog.#im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite#im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to#practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird#my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him#im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck#well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok#i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it#n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin#he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered#i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows#im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also.#hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god.#i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal#i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear#i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun#i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much#i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well#tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately#i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood#maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat#this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul#💿
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woosansang · 2 years
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#jazzy talks#delete later#hahahhahha who would have thought that avoiding going to a therapist for years would suddenly make it#extrmeley difficult for you to go back to a therapst hey#how does one even do therapy i dont remember#like hi hello nice to meet you i dont even know whats wrong with me half the time but sometimes i go mute and i think i have autism and#and ive been having a gender crisis for about three years also i want to date girls but dont want to talk to people#and i dont know if i actually had a crush on someone who lives on the other side of the world of if im just that lonely that ill make up#feelings but also every day that goes by when i dont speak to them i feel strange like not sad but i just want to talk to them#or anyone but also i dont want to talk to anyone lol how does tjat work#and i sort of hate my job but i sort of love it sometimes and im way too scared of change to move schools but i dont think#i can survive another year and a half at this school#also someone i havent seen in a few years told me yesterday that i look like ive lost weight which i have#but i drink like an australian and ive started snacking constantly again and i know that's going to reserve everything i worked so hard for#and i am self aware enough to know this yet i cant seem to stop lol#im moving out with my sister and her bf in a few months and idk if thats just going to make me realise even more how lonely i am#with my three and a half irl friends who never make the time to see me#who all tapped out of my birthday party bc they were tired or busy or whatever#when my sister and her bf want to do things without me i feel sad except thafs their relationship not mine#so instead i live on tumblr and photoshop and do badically nothing else for days in a row until the two of them want to do smth with me#im not improving in one of my dance classes and want to drop out of that class#and the dance class i teach is horible sometimes and also makes me want to stop taking them#i work at least an extra working day every single week if not more which is basivally seven days a week#and i want to use my money to travel and do things but the idea of taking that much time off work makes me feel#almost as anxious as actually going to work every day#i want to call my friends but i cant#i want to text my mutuals but i cant#i want to go to sleep but i cant stop thinking about whats going to happen tomorrow#where does the part come where you actually start living instead of just getting through the day bc its been like this for too many years#and i am just tired of it. i am so tired of it yet im going to do exactly nothing to fix it. sigh.
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be-good-to-bugs · 24 days
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i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa
#the bin#i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious#so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh.#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad#im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20#more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long#and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful#i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed#and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what#else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option#i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed!#it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them#all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister#also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be.#i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul#fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh.#how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon#and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some#i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to#all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone#besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider#friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period#i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho.#i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past#8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me.#its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone#it will get better. it has to.
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ff2-soda-pop · 1 year
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can my mom please stop telling me that everythings gonna be fine when theres a very very high likelihood that it absolutely will not be fine
#this is. literally the worst thing that i think has ever happened to me directly in my entire life.#and like my mom has. a plan. a singular plan. and when i asked her what we'd do if it didnt work she just said 'well then we're in trouble'#yet is also still like 'nope everything will be fine stop worrying <3' like-????#also idc if maybe everything will possibly be fine Later. its not fine right now and im scared. nothing is okay right now!!!#stop telling me that it is!!!#also she was like 'dont worry about it' and im like. firstly How. How do i not worry.#secondly... we both know im not capable of not worrying. it is literally what i am best at. you are asking for the impossible#especially in a situation like this one#anyways uh. i refuse to name whats specifically going on because it feels Too Serious and also it gets too much into real life stuff for me#to feel entirely comfortable but like. this is all ive ever known i dont want it to be ripped away. i really dont think anyone else really#*gets* it. and i dont know ANYONE that i can talk to and i feel so alone and scared and i dont know if i can deal with this#everythings been getting so overwhelming and so Much and my mental health honestly hasnt been so great and this is like the nightmare-ish#horrid cherry on top of the sundae thats somehow already collapsing and on fire#literally this is like. possibly one of my worst fears and now its just Real and Happening and its terrifying and i hate everything#...anyways. apologies for this.#im... probably not gonna talk about this anymore here because i kinda want to not do that. this feels a bit Too personal life and stuff for#me to entirely feel comfortable getting into too much on here. but also my blog is kinda the one space i feel like i can vent and scream#into the Void and stuff and literally i need to dump some of the Thoughts because otherwise its all in my head and thats. not helping#vent
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scaranation · 1 year
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hi hi !! could you write an ANGST with Dottore and Zhongli where we break up with them? maybe in dottore we break up because we can't bear(?) his experiments anymore and in Zhongli one we feel not enough/that he loves someone else (maybe Guizhong?)
Gn reader or Fem!reader(if u write for fem. sorry if u do not,i couldnt find rules and im really really sorry ! :( ... )
p.s will there be To love another 3rd part? it's my fav fanfic ever !!
love your work ♡♡
hihihi i know this is like super late but this prompt is literally so good 😭 also im thinking of writing another part to that fic, but i just dont know where to take it so ive been procrastinating haha
dottore’s part is kinda ooc bcs let’s be real if he’s that whipped for reader he wouldn’t let them break up with him, but im going to pretend that he’s not as much of a red flag as he actually is 🤭🤭
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༊*·˚ 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐊 𝐈𝐓 𝐎𝐅𝐅
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Pairing: Dottore x GN!reader, Zhongli x GN!reader (separate)
Content: Angst, no comfort. Mentions of canon typical violence, assumed past Guizhong x Zhongli
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DOTTORE
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“It seems my beloved has finally thought to visit me.”
You cringed from the overpowering metallic scent as you stepped into your boyfriend’s laboratory, trying hard not to look at the borderline gruesome sights on the clinical beds.
Dottore cleaned the blood off a bone saw he was holding, setting the instrument down carefully before walking towards you - eyes lit up, but holding a gleam different to the maniacal one he usually possessed.
“How was your day, my love?” His voice was humorous. He seemed to be in a good mood, humming lightly while opening the door for you.
“It was fine.” You sighed as you felt the weight of Dottore’s harbinger coat settle across your shoulders, registering the touch of his hand as he pulled you into him and away from the Snezhnayan cold.
“Has that coworker of yours still been bothering you?”
“… Don’t try pretending.”
“Whatever could you be talking about?” The Doctor’s grip on you tightened.
“I wouldn’t wish death on anyone, even if they annoyed me to that extent.” You sighed, finally tilting your head to stare into the planes of your lover’s mask.
“Oh, they’re not dead. Rather, they’ve been subject to some biological modifications of an experimental kind - would you like to see?”
You gritted your teeth.
“I’m hungry, don’t make me lose my appetite.”
“Good thing I have a nice place booked for dinner, my love.”
His compliance was almost uncanny.
-
Normal couples gazed affectionately into each other’s eyes over meat and wine, fingers fondly interlaced over the dining table. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to return Dottore’s adoring scarlet gaze, and his hold on your hand felt more like a death trap.
“Is the food to your liking?” He asked. He hadn’t touched any of the vegetables on his plate, only biting into the steak.
“Yes. You should eat greens, too.” You commented.
“Mm. Why don’t you feed me, then?” Dottore only tilted his head, smiling eagerly. Recently, a fear of you being turned into one of the harbinger’s countless experiments had taken hold, and it was this same fear that drove you to play right how he wanted. And so, lifting your fork, you fed him with all the patience you could muster - staring into those deep red eyes, feeling like nothing more than prey. Those eyes would’ve been the last thing many others had seen before their death, the end of their lives marked by that sadistic grin. You almost shuddered at the thought.
Normal couples slept under starry nights reflected in their star crossed hearts as they cuddled close under soft sheets. Normality was such a strange concept, you decided. Despite the fact that you were doing just what normal couples should, the situation was still absurd. However, your fear of becoming another one of the harbinger’s lab rats wasn’t unfounded. You mulled over this fact, almost snorting at the juxtaposition. Here you were - wondering if the man who cradled you in his arms would strap you down to a table in the name of research.
“My love, are you still awake?” You felt Dottore’s breath ghost over your neck, his face pressing into your nape. With a rustle, he readjusted the blanket over your shoulders.
“Yeah, I can’t sleep.”
“Nightmares, perhaps? I have a pill you can use for those.”
“No, just… thinking.” You squirmed in Dottore’s hold. His comment only reignited your spiralling train of thought, pushing you further to the point of resolve.
If he could kill his clones - literal versions of himself - then what would stop him from doing the same to you? Even if you remained alive, would you have to continue to tolerate being exposed to such grotesque horrors?
It was simply better to break things off, before you no longer had the option to.
Breakfast.
The first meal of the day, and the last meal you’d share with your boyfriend.
“Dottore.”
“Yes?” The Doctor’s head jerked up immediately from where he was chewing. You could feel the undivided weight of all his attention sinking into you, and for a moment, you faltered. He was notorious for paying little mind to anyone else, and yet, he treated you with the utmost attentiveness. You steeled your resolve.
“I think… we should break up.”
Silence. Then, the grating scrape of cutlery against crockery.
“Why.”
Not a question, more of a demand. You gulped.
“Do you want me to be honest with you?”
“Yes. Is it something I did?”
“I can’t bear your experiments anymore, Dottore. They’ve gone too far, and I don’t think I can stomach living normally with you as if I don’t know the kind of things you do. Even worse, every day I’m wary that I might be your next test subject - whenever I walk into your lab, I wonder when I’ll be the one under your needles. It’s exhausting.”
Another beat of silence. You could see Dottore’s chest rising and falling at an increasingly fast pace, his jaw tensing.
“I would never, ever do that to you. It’s ridiculous that you’d even think that, and as for your prior reason… I can arrange for you to come to the lab less often…”
“So you’re just going to cover my eyes and act like you’re not doing anything with those experiments? I just can’t be ignorant here, nor can I trust you. If you can get rid of your clones so easily, then what am I? What value do I hold-“
“Those creations do not even compare to you.” Dottore finally snapped, slamming his hand down on the table. You flinched, and he felt as though his lung capacity had been halved. His head spun in tandem with the rapid tightening of his heart, his mouth twisting into a scowl.
It hurt Dottore, realising that you didn’t trust him. That all those fond, intimate memories together were just you acting out of fear - or at least, the most recent ones were. It hurt, beyond anything Dottore thought he could inflict on his patients. And even worse, you were frightened of him. The light shaking of your shoulders and the way you flinched were enough indication.
The Doctor enjoyed seeing his victims become terrified, but that same terror on you almost made him feel like he’d been the one stabbed with a scalpel. Foolishly, he’d fallen victim to his own maniacal research tendencies.
“Listen, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just meant to say… that you can trust me.” Dottore raised his hand towards you to cup your cheek, wincing when you avoided the action.
“I tried to, I really did. But I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
“My love, please.”
The second harbinger was begging. What a strange sight.
“Let me go, Dottore.” You murmured shakily. You saw hesitation, hurt, and anger flit through those vermilion eyes you’d used to love. But that love you held for him had only smouldered into disgust and fear.
“… Then go. Get out of my sight.” Dottore hissed, his teeth clenching at the wary expression on your face.
It was painful, how you walked out without a second glance.
“My love…” Dottore whispered. He stared at the closed door, almost expecting you to return. He repeated the phrase, over and over to himself - his face contorting into an expression he himself couldn’t name. Was there truly an emotion as human as this? It was a twisted, unimaginable feeling the Doctor couldn’t categorise. The syllables came off his quivering lips, as though by uttering them he could make you come back.
But the truth was, your not-so-normal relationship was over. Perhaps, Dottore would return to the normality of his heartless experiments, and you’d return to the normality of a better fate than one you’d endure by his side.
He only regretted not being able to hold you more.
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ZHONGLI
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There were only two letters between you and your lover, but those two letters seemed to stretch wider every day - ‘I’, and ‘M’. The seemingly infinite synapse between mere ‘mortal’, and ‘immortal’.
Zhongli was undeniably a mortal vessel, but he as a being was not. He’d lived eons before you, loved and hated thousands. He’d experienced things you couldn’t even fathom, and yet, you couldn’t comprehend how he treated you as though your fleeting existence was the centre of his much larger world.
Whenever you looked into Zhongli’s amber eyes, heard his deep laugh, or felt his gentle caress, you could only feel insignificant. After all, he used to be a literal god. You couldn’t help the guilt that gnawed at your conscience, couldn’t stamp out the incessant feeling that he was too good for you, that you couldn’t compare to whatever lovers he’d had in the past.
“How’s the tea, darling?” Zhongli prompted. He sat with his back to the window, basking in an almost ethereal glow.
“Ah, I have yet to try it.” You shook yourself out of your thoughts to raise the cup in front of you. Zhongli only smiled warmly, but the gesture made your hand shake a little. You’d planned to break up with him today, and yet the way he still stared lovingly at you - full of infinite trust - made you feel terrible.
But how many others had he also treated this way? In his life, those others were probably far more special than you, possessing talents far more worthy of a god’s attention.
Suddenly, a shattering sound pierced your ears, and a scalding warmth set into your thigh. You looked down in a daze, before snapping out of it upon realising that you’d dropped the teacup.
“Are you okay?” Zhongli was at your side in an instant, mopping up the spilled tea and collecting the broken fragments of the cup.
“Yeah.” You gritted your teeth again. How dare someone as insignificant as you make Rex Lapis get down on his knees to clean the mess you’d made. It simply made you feel as though you didn’t deserve such a wonderful man at all.
“You’ve been distracted lately. Is there anything I should know about?” Zhongli asked slowly.
“No. Well, yes.” You stammered. You hadn’t planned this out very well, and your heart squeezed tighter.
“Go ahead. You know you can tell me anything, darling.”
A warm hand came to rest against your cheek. You closed your eyes, feeling tears build and slip down your face.
Zhongli wiped at your tears, holding your hands in your lap as he looked up at you worriedly - his thumbs tracing comforting circles on your knuckles. He thought of saying something, before deciding against it. He knew it was better to let you speak first.
“Let’s break up.” You blurted, feeling Zhongli’s fingers come to a complete stop.
“We can work through this, tell me why first. Has something been upsetting you?”
Your tears fell harder. He still showed you so much kindness, never jumping to any conclusions.
“I feel like I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me, it makes me feel guilty that someone like me can have you.” You sobbed.
“Darling, you know it makes me happy to just spend time with you. That in itself is fair exchange, no?”
“But what makes that so special? You’ve lived for so long, you could’ve done this with anyone else, and you probably have. Who am I in comparison to someone like Guizhong?”
Through your blurred vision, you could still see Zhongli’s form kneeled by your side. He seemed to be choosing his next words carefully.
“You and her are both special, in your own way. Why don’t you calm down a little first? I can pour you some more tea.”
“I’m so selfish, Zhongli. I really don’t think I can stay with you.”
“Do you really want to leave that badly?”
Your heart twisted. You didn’t want to leave. You wanted to stay in his warm embrace, his soft understanding gaze. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to.
“… Yes.”
“Very well then. You know I won’t stop you, because I just want what’s best for you.”
The light grip on your hands released, and as you stood up everything seemed to spin.
“Thank you… for everything.” You murmured, stealing one last glance at the man you loved - before leaving.
Zhongli remained where he was for some time. In his life, many things came to an end, but this hurt a little more. When Guizhong had left him, it was due to her passing - the youthful Rex Lapis had found someone to blame, to ventilate his grief. But the most crude fact in this situation was that you were still alive, and had chosen to leave him of your own volition. Zhongli himself had made this happen.
However, an archon’s most prized trait was impartiality. Therefore, Zhongli knew that he had to maintain indifference. He refused to let himself chase after you, or force you into anything. It was only unfair, if an immortal were to impose such a fate onto a mortal.
And so, he could only watch as you faded from his life, like the cyclic ebb of waves on an ocean shore.
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