#how does one even do therapy i dont remember

[woosansang]

.

#jazzy talks #delete later #hahahhahha who would have thought that avoiding going to a therapist for years would suddenly make it #extrmeley difficult for you to go back to a therapst hey #how does one even do therapy i dont remember #like hi hello nice to meet you i dont even know whats wrong with me half the time but sometimes i go mute and i think i have autism and #and ive been having a gender crisis for about three years also i want to date girls but dont want to talk to people #and i dont know if i actually had a crush on someone who lives on the other side of the world of if im just that lonely that ill make up #feelings but also every day that goes by when i dont speak to them i feel strange like not sad but i just want to talk to them #or anyone but also i dont want to talk to anyone lol how does tjat work #and i sort of hate my job but i sort of love it sometimes and im way too scared of change to move schools but i dont think #i can survive another year and a half at this school #also someone i havent seen in a few years told me yesterday that i look like ive lost weight which i have #but i drink like an australian and ive started snacking constantly again and i know that's going to reserve everything i worked so hard for #and i am self aware enough to know this yet i cant seem to stop lol #im moving out with my sister and her bf in a few months and idk if thats just going to make me realise even more how lonely i am #with my three and a half irl friends who never make the time to see me #who all tapped out of my birthday party bc they were tired or busy or whatever #when my sister and her bf want to do things without me i feel sad except thafs their relationship not mine #so instead i live on tumblr and photoshop and do badically nothing else for days in a row until the two of them want to do smth with me #im not improving in one of my dance classes and want to drop out of that class #and the dance class i teach is horible sometimes and also makes me want to stop taking them #i work at least an extra working day every single week if not more which is basivally seven days a week #and i want to use my money to travel and do things but the idea of taking that much time off work makes me feel #almost as anxious as actually going to work every day #i want to call my friends but i cant #i want to text my mutuals but i cant #i want to go to sleep but i cant stop thinking about whats going to happen tomorrow #where does the part come where you actually start living instead of just getting through the day bc its been like this for too many years #and i am just tired of it. i am so tired of it yet im going to do exactly nothing to fix it. sigh.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here

#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness #(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too) #but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so #lets see how that develops you know #also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it #not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but #im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing #to complain abt it anyway #the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy #maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness #i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character #in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now #like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains #in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think #or maybe you can! but i'll find that out #i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh #always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do #bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really #but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all #remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe #saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post #all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story #whos Other is story #where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story #ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[thebadtimewolf]

oh god. they grieved wilf's death together. i cant.

#tv: doctor who #{i. :( made my self sad} #{note: they just told you love interests was never a heal all solution for their psyche. fixing themselves to a 🤎 interest isnt healing} #{why didnt they fix themself to yaz rose sarah jane martha river: they were in the drs eyes friends but remember} #{they only consider them as friends. love interests are friends. donna isnt considered a friend. shes propped up to be his best friend} #{full stop. hell the companion reunion is set up as a group therapy in the show. shes in group therapy for the good and horrors of it all} #{yes this does mean that tentoo is separated from the doctor completely. hes just jackson lake.} #{he actually has a family: what about susan? from susan and down saw him more of a pedestal. it just stayed that way. donna didnt} #{they reiterated this over and over and over and over and OVER again. the dr doesnt need love from someone that sees them like that} #{they need love from someone that is actually willing to make him live day by day to heal to recooperate} #{after power of the doctor and then comics AND TV going back to back IM QUICK SUCCESSION OF NO REST? 14 is at full exhaustion} #{if rose told him to stop he wouldnt if martha clara sarah jane river yaz if any of them told him to stop they wouldnt listen} #{because he uses romantic love as an excuse to burn himself out AND HE DID LITERALLY 9 DOES THIS} #{it was never healthy. and then they kept going. and going and going} #{bill questioned but she couldnt stop him} #{she was the strongest cause of guilt because he retook the role of a professor role a role familiar to ace} #{only it got bill killed because he didnt slow down he didnt talk and decompress. ever. he used trenzalore as an excuse to never confide} #{in anyone and only telling stories so no would ask if HE was alright. yeah they lived but is he actually alright} #{no one talks. except. donna. 15 even states that they do rehab backwards AND THATS NOT HOW REHAB WORKS. YOU DONT GET TO SKIP TO HEALED} #{WITHOUT DOING THE ACTUAL PROCESS OF HEALING} #{he regenerate until he turn into a grain of sand but thats not healing. its just another way of avoid talking thru their grief} #{but they grieved! no they didnt. EVEN IN DW LOCKDOWN THEY DIDNT GRIEVE.} #{penelope garcia's clinical social worker said it best} #{all the things I've survived I have been absorbing trauma since I was really young and thinking I was some sort of hero for doing it.} #{newsflash she wasnt and for garcias 15 yrs vs the dr's billions on billions yrs worth of it: even when u do the right thing even when u} #{stop serial killers (or intergalactic threats) ur body is still absorbing that trauma.} #{they are not a hero for holding on to it because trauma has to be off-loaded. It has to be transformed or ur body will destroy u.} #{end quote.} #{like THATS WHAT DR HAS BEEN DOING THE WHOLE TIME AND 15 SAID: NO MORE! CONSIDER THIS 14S RETIREMENT.} #{i dont like the ending: well i do. 15 and rtd said grief n trauma therapy with donna or bust bitches}

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Same anon as before, I’m happy that you’re accepting yourself! That’s great news. I had a very similar situation where I was very embarrassed about what character my brain chose to project onto, but after working with my therapist and years of reflection I’ve realized it had to be that character because they were the only one I could see myself in, we were both abused in certain ways that made it like looking in a mirror, and being Him meant that I was able to protect myself because he could (character is someone “dangerous” in their world). So I really think it comes down to a reflection of trauma, and there’s nothing to be ashamed about. We coped with what our brains found the most comfort in.

If I can ask, what does your therapist think about it? Only wondering because with my therapist, they are aware we have fictives of this character as well as the system as a whole projects through him but I’m still trying to figure out if it’s part fictives and other part alters with psychotic attachments or if there’s something else at play as well like past lives (the old fictionkin community used to be big into that but I know it’s not so much anymore so I’m a little embarrassed but I am still a spiritual person) alr that’s all, looking forward to your response!

First of all, I'm glad to hear back from you anon!!

My therapist and I figured roughly the same thing happened with me! When I say I use this character as a therapy tool, I don't think it's appreciated enough that it's bc my therapist familiarized himself with the source - my therapist watched (and enjoyed) 148 episodes of anime for my sessions and I cannot stress that enough lmao; we're pretty sure that what happened was that I saw a lot of my emotional trauma play out again in front of me in his character arc, mostly in the way he perceives himself but also with how he struggles with his emotions and general interactions with the world (with my own difficulty with such coming from the climate of the family that abused me). He did serve as a mirror, not just of my own trauma, but also of what I wish I could have done, which was to lash out and genuinely own my anger and frustration and do something. Of course there's a lot more to it, but with just covering the surface, looks like we've had pretty similar experiences!

As for my therapist's thoughts on this, we actually haven't put any clinical labels on it. I personally like labels, they make me feel sure and certain about things in my life, which is why I tried to nail this down with the OSDD/DDNOS (complete with question mark) in my bio, but truth be told I'm not entirely sure I meet the full criteria for either of them, in spite of the genuine experiences I've had with what definitely feels like multiplicity of some sort. Interestingly enough, while I myself am not very spiritual, my therapist did make a mention that this is an experience that I could try looking at through a spiritual lens, especially since it's been coming up a lot more as I'm trying to rework some deeply held thought patterns. There's been a pretty positive outlook on it overall and he encouraged me to interact with it - the episodes tend to come with some specific thoughts and feelings, so we're treating them (and by extension, this character) as a sort of conduit for them, sort of like a messenger bringing attention to them. This is all some pretty specific info for my stuff though lmao, I just wanted to cover the ground as thoroughly as I could 💖

#part of me genuinely does wanna reach out to the fictionkin community just for the value of having potential community experience #but also. maybe I'll just watch them for a bit and think about it lmao #my experiences with my dissociation is like. it feels like there's someone else with me you know? im alone but i can feel someone else #and I'm holding their feelings and thoughts in those moments #if i believed in ghosts hardcore this would 100% make me think im possessed but fortunately i recognize where #all this is coming from as far as functionality and the name attached; funnnily enough i remember a video my roommate #put on and it was talking about psychosis scenes in movies + gauging them for accuracy #and the guy starts talking about DID and I'm like okay i definitely dont meet the criteria for that but I'm half paying attention #and he mentions that one of the things that people have reported is feeling like they're possessed and i just sat there FLOORED by this #bc that was exactly how I'd described the feelings in therapy; 1:1 word for word 😳 again i know for sure i dont have DID #but the same guidelines that make up the definitions and criteria are kinda also running along my dissociative episodes as well #ive already said so much in the tags but i did have a session where i just sat there and was like. i want to love every part of myself #and that includes the episodes; i know they're a protective measure and i dont wanna feel like I'm fighting them anymore #that was months ago; this is by far the most vocal ive been about it #it took almost a year for me to settle into it and be able to talk about it even in therapy but I'm so glad i can do it now #and I'm so glad to be hearing from people who understand how this feels 💖💖💖 thank you so much again!!! #im realizing that i actually have a lot of thoughts on this now that im actually understanding it a lot better #the asks are just giving me some chances to infodump a little hehe 💕 #you're welcome in my inbox any time!! thanks again!! 💖💖💖 #asks

[natriae]

Ushi gushi who u dated thru highschool and 2nd year college and he is getting hornier but all u guys have done so far is make out and hand job/fingering till u ask if he wants to go further and BOY does he and u see a side of him u never imagine 😍

HEHEH KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING RN

Ushijima Wakatoshi is no doubt the best boyfriend ever. He spoils you and always makes time for you. He would drop everything to go see you, but he's still wakatoshi. He has a hard time with social cues and displaying his emotions. You like to call yourself the 'Toshi master. Usually able to understand his affection and thoughts without him showing it.

He's remained the same since highschool. He stuck to the same routine with little differences in the past years. He'd wake up do his morning run, then go to class, practice, then shower and do his homework, and finally cuddle you to sleep in his dorm. Saturdays were specifically reserved for you. He tried to leave his comfort zone by taking you on dates, but you knew he perfered to stay in. You did too, so it was no issue for you to spend every Saturday with Wakatoshi at your house back in highschool. He found comfort getting groceries with you and helping you clean. He found comfort in really anything that took his mind off his family.

There was a lot of feelings that Wakatoshi missed out, but with therapy and you supporting him along the way he got better at understand what he was feeling. Being away from his mother definitely helped as well.

Even with all his amazing qualities there were sometimes you felt insecure in your relationship. Going to college was a much different territory for both of you. Students from all around Japan went to school with you guys. At Shiratorizawa no one really talked to 'Jima because they were scared of him but here you can't remember a game where some girl wasn't flirting with him. Or even listening to how far your friends have gotten with their boyfriends. It's not that you want to force 'toshi out of his comfort zone, but sometimes you think he doesn't like you..like that. Almost like it's out of obligation.

After date night he asks if you want it instead of getting in the mood. Almost like it's apart of his routine. You guys eat, come home, he kisses you a bit and fingers you till you cum, and then he washes his hands and kisses you goodnight. You want him to do it for his own pleasure.

"everything okay?" He asks once he finishes washing the dishes. He walks over to the small couch you sat on while in deep thought.

Looking up at him you smile at his cute face. Bring your arms up signaling you want a hug. Lifting you up he places you on his lap as he sits down. You legs draped over his as your wrap your arms around his neck, resting your head on his chest. "I guess, I've just been thinking...'Jima you find me attractive, right?" Looking up you watch as he nods his head. His eyes srunching a little in thought. Your hand resting on his chest feels his heart begin to beat a little bit faster. " um, remember when Tendou had-um- remember in highschool when tendou was quite aroused and everyone made fun of him?"

"his boner?" Ushijima states unbothered.

Your face reddens at his outburst and you nod your head. "well why don't- you dont seem to get that when your with me, and I was worried that you dont feel that way about me, and I don't want you to be doing anything you find uncomfortable if you dont feel that way about me." While you ramble you start to feel a small poking at the side of your right butt cheek. "'Jima?"

His faces flushes a bit and his heart beats after as he brings his lips into his mouth. "I do feel that way about you." He says, not looking into your eyes.

Bringing your hand up to his cheek you move his head so the two of you can look at each other. "why don't you ever show it?" you pout.

"i don't want to make you uncomfortable." He tells you, face remaining unmoving. You watch as his pupils expand looking into your eyes. "Meditating usually helps it go away." He tells you like it was a serious issue. You giggle and move into kiss his lips.

"Do you still have those condoms Tendou gave you?"

His single nod is all you need to tell you that tonight you won't have to worry about Wakatoshi's attraction towards you.

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi #ushijima #wakatoshi ushijima #ushijima smut #wakatoshi fluff #haikyuu wakatoshi #wakatoshi x reader #wakatoshi smut #hq wakatoshi #hq ushijima #hq headcanons #hq imagines #hq fanfic #hq angst #hq smut #hq x reader #hq fluff #hq #haikyū!! #haikyuu angst #haikyu x reader

[limpfisted]

Something I think taken for granted for "good and heroic" characters like wyll is

How hard it is to be a hero in settings like this in gen. especially a solo hero.

And then u look at will especially at 17, especially after just losing half of your vision, and now being obligated to hunt devils for mizora, and not being able to tell people who you are or why you have magical powers

Wylls life has been extremely difficult.

Hes not "some rich boy." In fact, he tells you himself, he never really was. His father became grand Duke when he was 17. His father was a Duke before that, but his father was born to a poor blacksmith father and he was the youngest of six, so he worked his way up the ranks. Even as son of a Duke and grandduke---ulder was champion of the poorer "mythical middle class" lower city. All nobles and patriars are from the upper city. There's no way wyll wasn't looked down on by the upper city and then held to a certain untouchable standard as the flaming fist brat by the lower city/outer city people

And yet even at being some "rich boy" he excelled thru hard work and dedication, making things into a competition if nothing else, in which despite his Father's unsurpance to power, he still had PROOF he was the most charming, after all, he held the record for most sarabandes danced in a single evening, much to the exhaustion to the good lords and ladies of the courts.

But even so, with this "cushy life" (where he would get into trouble, mind you! Where his father would encourage him to get into fights, who would train him with a rapier, where he would drink in taverns in the lower city at 14 despite being "a noble rich boy" and hand deliver letters from his father to sharess's caress before he ever knew what went on with the pretty men and handsome ladies behind closed doors.)

Have you ever been camping, like experienced the holy shit, Outside of it all? I dont even like leaving the house without my phone. Wyll, 17, traveled all over the sword coast, with one eye, who knows how many supplies.

While wyll laughs off the trauma of it, losing an eye is a real ass disability that affects your motor skills. It can be difficult to do things like cut food at first, and it can take like 6 months WITH THERAPY for everything to feel "normal" again. Now imagine fending off goblins, and minotaurs, with no therapy, no physical therapy, no doctor. Having to navigate the cold of winter, cursed lands, mountains, all by yourself.

Having to learn to use you sword again, this time without your father. Remembering him every time you pick it up. Remembering the way he looked at you every time you face down a "devil." Spitting the words he would later say to you at them. They stink of avernus, they have brought ruin

Wyll dedicated his life to laboring for the people of the Sword Coast. It's not easy. He makes it look fun, because he's so proud of himself and happy to be helping people

But its actually hard and lonely. And it doesn't come easy, even to Wyll, I think. He had to train himself, it probably took him a long time to figure out what he was doing

I dont think wyll is really as inexperienced and naive as people think. Hes been to avernus, he's fought dragons and minotaurs. He's seen terrible things, he's STOPPED terrible things, and he's going to continue doing so, and choosing to do so, with the full knowledge of what that decision means, and the hard work and sacrifice it requires.

he's fully aware of who he is and what he's capable of, and he's extremely brave and strong and competent

Its good to be good for the sake of being good! And wyll does believe in fairy tales. But his dedication to the blade doesn't come because he's misinformed. Is he as experienced and powerful as he thinks he is? No, he's 24 LOL. But he's still done a lot! Has YOUR muse hunted devils thru avernus? Has ur muse even BEEN to avernus?

Wyll ravengard genuinely is improvising half the time---but more important than simply "being" good and wanting to do good----Wyll has the experience, practice and competence in serving a community to actually BETTER and protect communities.

In fandom spaces we often talk about how certain characters are "just so good" but we like. We forget about the effort it takes to actually commit to acts of doing good, the practice and perservance it takes to competently serve the community.

You can give the people the shirt off ur back but u run out of shirts eventually. Wyll has made himself an important resource on the Sword Coast for its safety. And I think we take that for granted bc its a genre staple, but like. He worked really hard. He dedicated himself to this.

He sold his soul, and he kept living and doing good anyway

#ooc #hc #in general i think fandom doesnt think about wyll as disabled #but it affected his life bro

[vampykween]

Crazy idea for toxic husband simon? Lets send them to couples counselling >:]

hehe i love this idea! sorry this took so long i pondered over how to write it, but i like how it turned out! these two deserve a brief reprieve from all the angst so enjoy this little glimmer of hope <3

“i still don’t think we need to do this, love” 

“so, you’ve said. can you please just go get the kids ready to leave, im not finished getting ready.” you mentally count down from ten while leaning over the bathroom sink attempting to finish up your makeup. you know by the time you hit ten, simon will have volleyed back some comment you’re in no mood to hear. 

“’s therapy, not a fashion show. dont even get why you’re getting dolled up anyway.” he’s unbelievably predictable. 

you roll your eyes and stare pointedly in his direction. “you know if you’re trying to convince me you still love me, you should try just saying ‘wow babe you look beautiful, of course i’ll get the kids ready’.” simon squints his eyes at you as if he’s actually considering what you’re saying, huffs, and stalks off in the direction of your daughters’ room. 

~ 

maybe your husband(?) was right, this does feel stupid. you two are sitting in a far too stuffy room with plain decorations, on a too-plush couch that makes you sink further with every movement. you don't even realize the therapist is asking you something until simon places a hand on your bouncing knee, stilling it to catch your attention. your heart shouldn’t stutter at the small display of affection, but simon hadn’t touched you in so long the touch melted the icy feelings you had towards him.

the session goes far better than you had expected. you didn’t think simon would open up much, but he was a lot more willing to admit his faults than you figured he’d be. you couldn’t help but stare at him incredulously, where was this man when you two were at home? when you were begging and pleading for help with literally any and everything? a part of you starts to feel bad when simon’s revealing his feelings of depression and worthlessness, not that you’re giving him a pass for the years of transgression, but once upon a time he was your soulmate and your heartbreaks knowing he was in so much pain.

maybe you didn’t see it because you were blinded by rage, or because you were so exhausted day in and day out, you didn’t have time to think of anything other than being a mom. you both come to the realization, with the therapist’s help of course, that you were both so eager to rush into life that you never stopped to consider what that would actually look like. you wanted a baby so badly that even when things started to snowball into madness you two convinced yourselves that this was just the way it was and that it had to be worth it somehow.

as you’re both walking back to the car, you leave feeling a whole lot lighter than when you went in. sure no major hurdles were cleared. you weren’t sure when you’d be able to kiss and love on your husband again without being confronted with everything he wasn’t doing, but you two are going to take it slow and learn to listen to each other. give and take. push and pull. as you slide into the passenger seat, simon tugs gently at one of your hands and interlocks his fingers with yours.

“i know i can’t take back the past, but i’m serious about changing. i want to be better for you, for us, and for our girls.”

you’re not sure what you had expected him to say, but his words have your breath caught in your throat. you distinctly remember a time when he promised he would be good to you, and he failed. you wanted to badly to believe him now, hearing the sincerity in his voice. warring between what the angry part of you wants to say and what the hopeful part of you wants to say, you land on a simple response of “okay”

“okay?”

“yes, okay. i’m not ready to forgive you yet and i don’t know when i ever will be. but i am saying that i will try.” his eyes lock with yours and you can see the emotion brewing in them, he doesn’t offer any words back. he simply squeezes your hand three times in quick succession. i love you. maybe just maybe things will work out this time.

#mic answers #mic writes #toxichusband!simon #toxichusband!ghost #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x f!reader

[meikoo]

omfg omfg f.o fic idea inspired by @s1ater ‘s “the only thing that matters” oneshot

finn and reader were friends but fall in love in the quarter quell arena

reader doesn’t know about the rebellion plan

she’s probably a career which means haymitch didnt wanna involve her

at first she’s determined to win and get back to her quiet district life

then she stumbles onto the main group and fights alongside them

finn and reader realize they fell for each other (shit tries to be slowburn but also not cause it’s basically their last days with each other)

reader makes peace with dying in the arena (her thought process is either she dies finn lives or they die together but either way she’s already accepted the fact she’s gonna die there but she does prefer finn lives so she makes sure he gets every advantage in the arena and risks her life for him multiple times which leads into him getting upset at her for that and shit gets emotional)

very end of the world mentality where they’re just unapologetically in love w each other (but dont admit to it cause whats the point) cause the end is near so what else can they do.

i imagine them sitting on the beach while everyone else is further near the trees, their feet on the sand, telling each other about their favorite childhood memories, her tearing up realizing she wont be able to spend her life with finn and hating fate for making them fall in love in this situation and everything being too late. she tries to hide her watery eyes and buries her face into his neck, intoxicating herself with his scent, trying to remember every detail about him, how his arms wrapped around her, his hair between her fingers, and his lips on her temple because she knows this’ll be one of the few memories she’ll ever have with him.

and like they dont even establish a relationship its just pure affection and adoration and everyone just seems to accept when they start acting like that with one another.

two soulmates who met too late and barely had time to spend with the love of their life before they never see each other again. ow.

LIKE FUCK GIVE ME ANGST BUT ALSO FLUFF LIKE WHEN THEY GET RESCUED AND READER DOESNT AND ITS FUCKING OW CAUSE SHE FINALLY JUST SAW A GLIMPSE OF HOPE FOR THE FUTURE THEY COULD HAVE AND THEN FINN GOING INSANE IN DISTRICT THIRTEEN BLAMING HIMSELF THAT SHES NOT SAFE AND SOUND RIGHT BESIDE HIM AND THEN SHE GETS RESCUED AND THEY FINALLY TALK ABOUT WHAT THEY ACTUALLY ARE (but also needing therapy lmfao) (also finn negotiates her getting saved cause again shes a career but in the end she helped the rebellion without even knowing it so like duh she gets rescued but not before finnick has to beat up someone so coin would listen to him)

PLS FIC WRITERS I NEED U IM SO DESPERATE

#finnick odair #finnick odair x reader #sam claflin #the hunger games #thgfics #thg #sam claflin x reader #finnick odair x oc #finnick odair x y/n #finnick odair the man that u r #i love my babygirl

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook: Velvet Heart 🔞

There's something wrong with Jungkook.

Tags/Warnings: Yandere AU, Idol!Jungkook, captivity, emotional manipulation, violence (not against mc), injury, medication and abuse of such, obsession, OCD, blackmail, very shady ways of the company in regards to JKs issues, fluff but its.. You'll see, NSFW mentioned but not descriptive

Length: Short

!! Disclaimer: I do not believe Jeon Jungkook to be like this, God no. This is pure fiction, and meant to be seen as nothing but entertainment. Thank you.

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Jungkook has always been an odd kid.

But nowadays, there's no denial that there's something terribly wrong with the now young adult. He's social when needed, a perfect actor in front of the media, shows himself as both sexy and cute to please a broad variety of fans. But he's not quite right in his head, and everybody knows.

Onve you know what he's capable of, what he's already done, that smile of his looses its innocence. Those eyes of his change in their sparkle. His grin is no longer cute- it's dangerous. Menacing. Like a wolf snarling in your face.

It's not a smile of happiness. It's more like a warning.

No one's ever allowed in his hotel room - not even room service. He himself actually has a habit of bringing along his own bedsheets, so you'll never leave a trace of yourself anywhere, but at his own home, he shares with you. If he has to bring you along to schedules, no one's allowed to look at you, speak to you, nothing. You're basically to be treated as invisible. Only he can ever interact with you.

And you? Well.. you don't have many memories apart from him.

Found by him at the side of a lake, washed up from your own failed act of jumping out of life, you'd suffered harsh injuries to your brain, leaving you with not only amnesia, but other problems as well. When he'd taken you home, late at night, you couldn't even talk, didn't know how to hold cutlery. He'd instantly done his own research, had looked up ways and therapies he could manage by himself- and so, he somehow helped you learn to exist again.

Maybe that's why you're so attached to him. Horribly so.

You still have a hard time speaking most of the time, but he understands you just fine. Or maybe he doesn't care. You don't mind.

You remember however, when you'd learned the word 'hate'.

You'd spoken it to him one day, randomly to ask what it meant, and he'd suddenly developed an entire mental breakdown. Hands on your shoulders slightly shaking you on the couch, eyes wide open and filled with terror. "No." He said, chanted almost. "No, no, no, no, no!" He shook you, back and forth. "Dont say that, don't ever say that to me! Ever!" He barked before he stilled. "I know you hate me. Everybody does. It's because I'm me, isn't it?" He'd laughed, shaking hands holding your cheeks, before they held your neck. "You do, don't you? You hate me?" He smiled, but you shook your head. He copied the action, amused, emotions all over the place. "No?" He chuckled. "You're such a liar, princess." He laughed, thumb running over the front of your esophagus, before his hands traveled again, forcing your face to look at him. "Thats fine. I still love you." He mumbled. "I'll always love you." He grinned, before kissing you softly.

Sometimes he's like that.

Jungkook doesn't trust anybody, not even himself. He's terrified of loosing you, has invested in a simple portable camera to set up in the hotel room wherever you might stay, so he can watch you like now, as he's getting his makeup done. Everyone, including the other members of the band, know this isn't good. This isn't healthy. But he's a major part of the success they all have.

If he's exposed as a high-functioning sociopath who's keeping someone hostage out of twisted love, everything would crumble to ashes.

So reporters are paid off if they ever find hints. Lawyers are always on call if things go south, or if Jungkook breaks another staff's jaw for accidentally mentioning you. Psychologists are there if one of the members has to watch the youngest pull someone's teeth out from their throat again after snapping out of control because the guy had been smiling at you.

Jungkook had even expected a thanks for it. He'd saved the guy's life, after all.

It's not healthy. Not at all.

But money rules the world- and Jungkook makes them all a lot of it.

Without him, the house of cards will fall and burn.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

On the twelfth of January, he always celebrates with you.

You don't know why, and you also dont know what. You're sure you know it's not your birthday, and neither is it his, but then again, you don't really care either way. You live from one day to the next, and you exist because Jungkook wants you to. So you're happy when he's happy.

"Do you like it?" He smiles, holding out another spoonful of cake to you. You happily accept it while your legs swing back and forth from the height of his lap. He likes feeding you. It reminds him of the earlier times, when he'd just found you. Sometimes, when he's feeling gloomy, he'll Revive those old habits. He'll help you eat, help you clean your face or brush your teeth.

He loves reminding himself that without him, you'd be read. Rotting next to the waters, eaten by bugs and torn apart by animals.

Instead, you live a lavish life under his watch, enjoying what the world has to offer every day. He's trained you like a dog, after all these years. He can trust you. You won't ever run away.

You're way too scared without him, after all. As you should be.

You fall asleep in his arms a bit later on the hotel bed, filled with sweets and his love, while he scrolls for some stuff on his phone. He smiles when he looks at a photograph from the news on the TV he took on his way home one day.

[Missing girl officially declared dead after only one year and two months, police reports. Parents: "we want to move on." All investigations closed as of yesterday, as the case comes to its end.]

Recorded on the 12th of January, three years ago.

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It's quiet around him, these days.

With the lawsuits wrapping up behind closed doors and far away from the public eye, fans worry about the maknae due to his silence. Meanwhile, he himself couldn't be happier, having spent the third day in a row waking up late during the day next to you, sleepy as ever, still resting. You sleep a lot. Always have.

Sometimes more, when he wants you to. Then you'll get some help slumbering off from him. He knows how to measure the dosage. He's done it a thousand times.

In his dreams, you sometimes scream. He doesn't know why, takes it as a warning to hold you even closer, and when he dreams such things, he will be restless. He will sleep with his length inside your warmth, as far as it goes, so he can stay as close as humanly possible with you. He doesn't mind the mess you both make.

It's proof of your love.

Sometimes he wants to take you outside. Go to dinner, walk alongside Han River, but then he realizes that you might remember what had happened that Night. You might loose all dependency on him, all love for him, all memories- and it makes him angry at himself, makes him pull his own hair in frustration necause he can never let that happen.

Everybody knows he's hanging on by a thread.

And if you ever step out of line, if you ever leave-

That fragile little chain keeping him grounded will snap, freeing the beast.

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Will you ever be free? Do you want to be?

If freedom is away from Jungkook, will it ever be enjoyable?

You don't have to think about that. Not when his hands hold your wrists down into the mattress so hard they will surely bruise. Not when he almost growls like a predator at every thrust he pushes into you. Not whe he kisses you like he doesn't care about breathing.

Not when he's got you all chained up to his side, like a dog, loved and loyal.

You exist for him.

You're alive because he wants you to be.

You've survived because he loves you more than anyone else ever could.

You're his.

And don't you ever forget it.

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#bts imagine #bts fanfic #bts fic #jungkook imagine #bts yandere #yandere bts #yandere jungkook

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I didn’t let my friend bring their partner to social events?

We are all in our 30s and all trans/NB/queer. My friend (B) and I have known each other nearly 20 years, and over those years they’ve had a rough dating history. They’ve had several emotionally and mentally abusive or neglectful partners, further details about that I won’t give here. I’ve met most of them and they’ve always disliked me for various reasons (usually they were just jealous of the place I held in their life).

Recently though, B seems to have found someone who makes them happy (we’ll call them T) and T treats them better than their previous partners. Which is great! I’m happy for B. But I find T insufferable.

Granted, I don’t have to see T very often, but when I do its always uncomfortable.

The first time I met T they trauma dumped immediately. In the first half hour I knew all about their horrible family but couldn’t tell you any hobby or interest they had. We were in a very public place and I didn’t feel it was the most appropriate topic to get to know someone, but I tried to relate with my own stories all the same. However, T always had to “one up” every story I told. it felt like a “whose childhood was worse” competition.

The second time we all hung out T ignored me completely, really only hanging around and talking to B. Since it was B’s birthday I didn’t really mind at all. Plus, we were at a beercade so everyone was kinda off doing their own thing. But even when we all sat down they just kinda threw looks my way but didnt say a word to me.

But most recently I had hosted a halloween party (it was only 8 folks so tiny party) where B and T both showed up. When T asked me how work was going I started with what I felt was a normal “Ah yeah, it sucks but—” and before I could say anything else they spoke over me to say

“Yeah you’ve mentioned you hate your job every time I’ve seen you so thats sort of my only impression of you :/ ”

(a possibly important side note: B and T are both doing things that they enjoy but have to hustle a bit to make ends meet whereas I have a full time retail job through which i have insurance so leaving isnt as easy for me since I have more tied up in my job than just a paycheck)

This really pissed me off, as not only is being interrupted a huge pet peeve, but there are aspects of my job I enjoy. I just never got to talk about them because the conversation would either divert or we would just stop talking altogether. Also the way they came across felt pretty judgmental.

T then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening talking about everything from the movie to the snacks with therapy speak and trauma processing. (ex: I think I’m locked into this movie because it might’ve been a safe haven for me during my childhood and I just dont remember watching it but I can feel its importance to me) And only ever to B, never engaging with anyone else.

(another note: they are not the only one at the party with anxiety. two of my other friends have severe social anxiety and while maybe a little awkward were still able to hold casual conversations. no one was a stranger to anyone at the party)

This also meant that I didn’t get to spend any time with B during the party either, which was a shame cause I see them so rarely.

I understand that trauma processing is important and its great if you have someone in your life that can help you. It does not need to happen every where all the time. And I’m worried that B might be getting taken advantage of like they have in the past (in the sense that they have to do all the emotional legwork in the relationship and get very little of that effort back).

I’m tired of catering to this attitude and I don’t enjoy being around them, so I no longer want to involve them in group events I host.

would that make me an asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[romanarose]

Puzzle Pieces Drabbles: part 2

Ben Miller x Fem!Reader

Fic Summary: You're dating Tom, a whirlwind romance that came at a low point in your life. Within months, you live with him and he's not as nice as he was in the begining. Tom does things that upset you, Benny finds a way to make it better.

Chapter Summary: Tom won't come look at your tomatoes. Based on a tumblr post I cant find.

Warnings: IDK what to call this but it's def shitty behavior throughout. Will progressively get worse during the series but let's start with this. Drinking. Someone not appriciating your excitment.

A/N: This will be a short series of comfort drabbles where Tom does something shitty and Ben makes it better. No smut. I'm at a low point rn and just want softness.

This is my submission for Triple Frontier Write-a-Thon !!! come join in the fun and follow @triplefrontier-anniversary to find more fics!!!

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“TOM!!!!!” You scramble up from your garden patch to where you were tending to your plants, standing to see Tom and Ben drinking on the porch.

Tom turns, looking worried. “What? What happened?!”

“My tomato’s bloomed!!!” You say with a wide grin, giddy with excitement.

He relaxes. “Oh my god. Is that it? Woman, you scared the shit out of me.” He went back to his grilling.

Your shoulder slump a little. “Sorry… I was just excited…” You point to your garden. “It’s just… the tomatoes!!!” Ben is watching curiously, but he doesn’t say anything.

Tom flips a burger. “Uh huh. That’s nice honey.”

Ben asks a question now. “The tomatoes?”

Muttering, Tom explains with a wave of his hand. “She was trying to get the tomatoes to grow forever.”

“So will you please come see them?” You try to get him to come over, but he just looks over the railing.

“Uh-huh, they look great.” 

Your hands drop to your side. “Tom, you can’t even see them.”

“They look… so cool” Is he… laughing? He’s laughing at you. You don’t turn to look at Ben, you couldn’t bear to see him laughing at you too. So, you simply go back to your garden, tending to the weeds, trying to immerse yourself in the classical music you heard helps plants grow. You don’t even hear him walk up to you at the garden bed.

“Oh!” Your startle when Benny kneels down next to you, getting in the dirt with you.

“Shit, sorry.” Ben chuckles, his floppy dirty blonde hair falling in his eyes. You wonder if he ever had an emo phase. “I wanted to see the tomatoes”

You roll your eyes but laugh. “You don’t want to see my tiny green tomatoes.”

He is completely sincere, blue eyes shining in the summer sun as he smiles. He has a pretty smile. “I do, actually.” You ignore the flutter in your chest.

So, you show them to him, Benny sounding very impressed as he looks. He tells you how his therapist wanted him to try getting plants to have something to take care of, briefly mentioning that he feels like he was alay the one being cared for. He chuckles when he says ‘guess I’m not responsible enough to keep a succulent alive’, but you can feel the truth behind his words. You offer to help him if he wants to try again. Benny lights up at that.

You want to know what he’s in therapy for, why he feels like he’s not responsible enough for a plant, you want to know so much more about him… but you don’t ask. Ben isn’t your boyfriend, Tom is. You loved Tom, you were going to marry Tom. Ben… Ben was just a nice bonus, right?

***************

Remember, if they dont care about the things you care about, they arent the one!!! someon will care <3

follow @romana-updates for more!!

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction@itspdameronthings @miraclesabound @missdictatorme @rubyfruitjungle @axshadows @pimosworld @casa-boiardi

#ben miller #benny miller #Benjamin miller #ben miller x reader #benny miller x reader #bejmamin miller x reader #Garrett hedlund #triple frontier #triple frontier fanfiction #ben miller fanfiction #benny miller fanfiction #fem reader

[jacenotjason]

hellooo!! helloo!! I have... I have TWO QUESTIONS!! 1. How would each of them react to someone being homophobic/transphobic towards them? 2. uhhh how would they react if they saw their parents? especially the ones that don't like/have never met parents (i was gonna put something else for the second one but uhhh i frogor uh oh)

OH BOY TWO QUESTIONS!! Ok lets all pray Tumblr doenst eat this its gonna be a lot

Ok first question, how would they react to someone being queerphobic to them?

Eddie: “mhm… sure…” he does not care. He deosnt really listen to people in the first place, the second you start trying to offend him he just tones you out. He does not give half a shit. Maybe if you keep talking.. a fuck will fall into his hand!

Poppy: being queerphobic to her?? Eh. Who cares. She lived through a homophobic cult and also bigoted parents, shes got tough skin. Being queerphobic to her children? PREPARE TO CATCH THESE TALONS BIIIITCH

Julie: absolutely roasts you. She takes one look at you and digs up your nastiest trauma some how. Like this “ew a girl dating a girl thats gay (idk how to be homophobic)” “? *looks up and down* okay? I didn’t ask, go tell your mom. Oh, wait shes dead isn’t she? And your father isn’t even present, he left when you were 6 and you had to rely on your Grandfathers homophobic ideology and your Grandmothers abuse. I don’t care what you have to think.” Then the homophobe just lays on the floor in the fetal position.

Sally: “196.251.208.6” get doxxed.

Frank: he just starts crying :( then he goes and tells Eddie and hes gonna stab you

(How do you even be homophobic to someone questioning??) Barnaby: “I know my identity isn’t the root of your anger.. come here, sit down, lets talk it out..” uuuh free therapy? He just summons tea bc all grandpas have the ability to just summon tea

Howdy: i actually have no idea. Ik hes sort of gotten this reputation as violent but hes- guys hes pathetic. He probably just laughs at them and shoos them away, maybe pull the gun from under the counter if he needs to

OK ooo o this ones a little less fun.. if they met their parents

Eddie: quick Eddie lore he was raised in joint custody, his parents hate each other so… uhm.. were getting the gang back together! He’d probably just sit with his face in his hands as his parents fight like “Ohmygod.. guys stop” they blame each other for how Eddie ended up and hes like “Im literally right here”

Poppy: shes long gotten over her fear of her parents. She’s happy and thats all that matters, she’ll happily tell off her parents like a GIRLBOSS YEAAAHHH happily explain how she escaped the cult they sent her too and how happy she is rn

Julie: uhm.. Julie’s parents are dead. Next question. Lmao ok but fr if she like.. came back to life she’d be so happy :3 she, and all the other joyfuls, were raised by a single mom and Julie got all her “men are trash, defend urself, never be afraid to punch a man” type ideology from her mom and her mom was super accepting and she misses herrr :((

Sally: now you may think Sally has a terrible relationship with her parents.. but she doesnt :3 shes unable to see her mom (for agoraphobic, mental health, and also legal reasons) but she loves her a lot. Her mom did sort of raise her in shitty conditions, but Sally doesn’t blame her at all and misses her a lottt wah

Frank: no

Barnaby: ooohh no… so uuh lore for those that dont know, Barnaby’s parents gave him up to the “”””boarding school”””” when he was four and he doesnt remember them. He’d probably be happier then he should to meet them, but most definitely get gaslit by his parents :( like they have what Barnaby thinks is a normal conversation but really isnt.. someone stop it q-p

Howdy: he fuckin loves his dad!! And all his family!!! And he sees them regularly, so itd just be a normal visit

AAA big post ee

Also tumblr didnt eat it thank u tumblr

#welcome home #welcome home au #welcome home opposite au #thanks for the serotonin! #howdy pillar #eddie dear #frank frankly #julie joyful #sally starlet #barnaby b beagle #poppy partridge #poppy ‘ma’ partridge

[unlucky-corvid]

Home

A little self indulgent piece of my OC phantom and cayde.

Angst with eventual fluff.

This has not been proof read

Enjoy xoxo

Home.

He's home.

Sprawled out on the sofa of my...our flat, snoring softly. One leg over the back of the sofa, head tilted back, resting on his hands like he never left.

His Cloak slung over the coat hook it used to call home until 5 years ago, boots beneth it, still caked in mud and on the coffee table, his holster and ace...ace 2? I glance back to my bedside dresser, caydes ace of spades resting there, the tool of retribution that carried swift justice to uldren sov. My gaze returns back to the other wespon, cracked with an un-earthly glow sitting on the coffee table.

Why can't I be happy about this,Like every one else?

Why can't I welcome him back into my...our bed like I used to, curling up into his side, listening to his inner mechanisms softly working as we simply bask in one another's presence?

I should be elated. I am. Its like every wish I ever asked for rolled together in one. An impossible ask made real, laying on my sofa...our sofa. Back where he belongs. He's safe.

But what about me?

Selfish thought I know but,What about the tears I cried every day for 5 years? The nightmares? The hallucinations? The sleep terrors? The anxiety attacks?

What about my pain!?

I grieved. I grieved for him. The life we could have had. The death of seemingly everything I held dear and now I'm supposed to just...forget that? Forget how much i suffered while everyone else managed to move on.

Envy it an ugly emotion but I feel it nontheless strongly as I do my grief.

Does he even know?

I'm sure he must have some idea. I'm sure zavala and ikora filled him in. I'm sure sundance and midnight spoke.

Spoke about the night I screamed so raw my throat bled. The night zavala found me curled up behind the bust of cayde in the tower, wrapped in his cloak as the snow settled around me, slowly burrying me as i stared off into nothingness. The missions I returned from, battered and bloody only to pick up the next bounty and leave. No food. No rest. No time to remember.

Maybe thats why his eyes followed me with that uneasy concern when I bid him good night. The look of understanding that sent an uneasy shiver down me when I asked him if we could sleep separately for a while as I got used to my dead partner being alive and well back in my...our apartment.

A shiver of frosty air shoots up my spine and sets my teeth on edge.

He's here again.

Not the real cayde.

But the cayde thats been with me since he died.

The cayde that lingers in the shadows, that stalks me in the light of day, that lingers over my shoulder. A waking nightmare.

He first started to apear a few days after caydes death. Only at night. He would hover beside my bedside, bending down beside my ear to whisper.

"I was waiting for you. Waiting for you to run in and put a bullet between that bastards eyes. But you didn't. You were too late. Too late. TOO LATE!"

"Youre sick. Sick in the head. You welcomed my killer into our home with open arms. Crow? Crow?! That's what the sick fucks calling himself now? Are you that desperate to betray me? That desperate to desicrate MY HOME with that murders precence?!"

Then it would vanish as the dawn arrived leaving me sleepless and guilt ridden.

Until it didn't.

Until guardians would give my looks of sympathy and fear when a smokey apparition of the ex hunter vanguard would be glanced over my shoulder. Lips uttering words only I could hear.

I tried everything. Pills, alcohol, therapy, eris's hive magic, maras paracausal influence but nothing stopped the ghastly characature of my dead lovers visage from taunting me.

Ikora began to avoid me. I dont blame her. Being forced to see her fallen friend every instance we spoke must have been hard but...at least she could escape it.

Zavala simply gives me this look. The kind of look you give an animal you know needs putting out of its Misery as it lays dying at the side of the road. The type of look you give sickly dying people when you know they're on their last legs. I know he means well.

But I avoid him to now. I am not dying nor sickly...not outwardly and I don't wish to be treated as such.

With a sigh I turn, heading back into my...our room.

I'll get it right eventually.

I shrug off my clothes leaving them heaped on the floor, tugging on one of caydes hoodie that no longer smells like him before sliding into bed.

"Broken" it hisses.

"You think that's what i want. You think after these years, after what you've become, I'll want you?"

"Deluded"

"Shut up" I whisper holding my hands over my ears but it does nothing to silence the vile vitriol that slips from its mouth.

"Broken little phantom. How many time did you think of crushing midnight and ending it all huh? Monster. Selfish monster even considering that. I deserve better."

I curl into a ball as if caydes hoodie and the blankets will save me from the ghastly manifestations of my biggest failure. But it dosent.

My heart rate begins picking up as further hateful bile is spews from the lips of the creature using my lovers face to torment me. My fingers tremble against my face as my body convulses with each sob that wracks my frame.

"Worthless, selfish, untrustworthy, lying, unfait-"

"Hey"

The voice seemingly interupts itself

A hand on my shoulder jolts me to the present as i turn expecting the face of a nightmare...

2 icey blue optics stare into my own eyes from the darkness. Not the misty red smoke I expected.

"Zavala...zavala told me about...well...me" he says softly. The feeling of his hand on my shoulder, thumb rubbing gentle circles feels...Alien but...also like home.

Cayde glances at the misty apparition of himself with a hard glare. His eyes soften as he looks back to you "this guys a real buzzkill huh?" He says softly in a weak attempt to lighten the mood. He readjusts himself on my...our bed. Placing himself between me and the nightmare.

"Just ignore...him? Me? No not me. Ignore it" he murmurs as he slips under the covers. I cant help my body tense as he moves up beside me. As if sensing my unease he also freezes.

"I can leave, if you want. Go back to the sofa" his voice softly speaks as if I'm a cornered animal, soothing. Safe.

I pause. No. No thats the last thing I want now. I spent 5 years apart from him, I don't want to spend a single moment away from his side.

"No please stay" I mumble, voice horse from the tears that a familiar hand was wiping away. My hand finds the material of his tshirt and I move myself trying to get iven closer despite us already being flush together.

"Always"

His body fits against mine like a puzzle piece, arms snaking round my waist, anchoring me to him. "It wasn't your fault doll. I promise"

My body gradually untenses for what feels like the first time in 5 years as I sink back into he familiar embrace of caydes body. My body trembles with the adrenaline finally leaving my system.

His chest still rises and falls, his exo body's mimic of a heart beat still reaches my ears. Home. For the first time in 5 years, We are both home.

A blue light on my bedside catches my eye. A ghosts eye, 2 of them, watch us. Midnight and sundance. The pillow I keep on the bedside cabinet once for both midnight and sundance may seem unnecessary to some but our ghosts deserve a little love to. Midnight had always looked swammed by the pillow after sundance was blown to shards but now, seeing them both huddled up to one another as they to settle down, it feels like everything is finnaly settling into place.

Cayde-6 the once dead hunter vanguard, friend and lover was finally back where he rightfully belonged.

Home.

Our home.

#destiny 2 #cayde 6 #headcanon #oc guardian #female guardian #OC Guardian phantom

[trans-axolotl]

hi so ive been reading a lot of your mad liberation stuff (i think thats the term i cant actually remember atm) and im having trouble understanding some of it so i want to like ask this for clarification

is it like. not quite antirecovery but that "recovery" shouldnt be the default? like mad ppl should be able to live as is, and if they want to seek recovery they can but shouldnt be looked down on for not doing that?

or that like. "recovery" doesnt look like psychiatric definitions?

sorry i dont know if im phrasing things right im pretty dissociated lol

ty for your time tho!

hi anon!

I'm always happy to answer clarification questions. I know when I was first learning about antipsych stuff, there were so many terms and concepts that were new to me, and I'm always still learning more.

A lot of what you've said is stuff I agree with! When I'm thinking about the concept of recovery, it feels important to me to really analyze what people really mean when they say "recovery" in the current psych system. I might ask questions like:

Who gets to define recovery? Is the mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent person supported in setting their own priorities and goals, or is the only thing prioritized the mental health professional's ideas about wellness?

How do ableist concepts of normality and conformity contribute to our ideas about recovery? What ways might recovery frameworks get in the way of radical acceptance of mad/MI/ND people's traits? How do ideas of recovery contribute to stigma and violence against mad/MI/ND people?

What ways does the psych system enforce recovery, even at the cost of bodily autonomy and freedom? What ways does psych treatment use violence to enforce recovery?

Within the current psych system, I think that "recovery" is not a neutral concept, and I think it's one that contributes to a lot of fucked up patterns within the psych system. There's so many ableist and sanist ideas that label mad/MI/ND people just existing as a threat, and force cure on us instead of building a society that embraces madness/MI/ND. The language about being a "danger to yourself and others" reveals the ways that mad/MI/ND people are often labeled as inherently unsafe if we're existing in public, if we have nonconforming behaviors, if we talk to ourselves in public, if we stim, etc. There's this pattern set up within the psych system where unless we're actively compliant with treatment, unless we're institutionalized, unless we're taking our meds and going to therapy and doing every little thing the psych system asks us to, we're labeled as dangerous and unstable.

In a system where "treatment" is often violent, coercive, and oppressive, I think that the way recovery is defined is a really harmful framework. Recovery in the psych system is more about compliance then it is about actually listening to our needs. It treats mad/MI/ND people as unworthy unless we're doing every single thing that the psych system wants us to. And I think that mindset is super damaging to mad/MI/ND people. It makes us feel like we're not deserving of support, care, accommodations, and community unless we're willing to give up our autonomy, conform to ableist ideals about "normal" behavior, and give up so much of ourselves. I'm much more interested in separating morality from our ideas of health and wellness, meeting people where they're at, and embracing the idea that it is totally fine to exist openly and fully as a mad person. We do not have to change ourselves in ways we don't want to. My mad community is always going to be one that embraces + prioritizes people who have no interest in recovery, who want and need to keep using behaviors labeled as dangerous, odd, and crazy, who don't comply with treatment and who demand the right to exist anyway.

I think that as mad/MI/ND people, we should have the room to define healing/coping/resistance/resilience/care in a way that is affirming and supportive for us, instead of just being restricted to "recovery." Our distress, pain, and hurt is very real, and we deserve support, skills, resources to help us navigate that in a way where we aren't shamed and aren't forced into coercive treatment. We should be able to set our own goals and priorities about what actually feels important for us in making our lives better/more tolerable. I'm not super interested in telling mad/MI/ND people to stop using the term recovery because I think for a lot of people it's a familiar shorthand to sort of describe a lot of different ways of healing. But I think it really is worth critiquing the concept, doing self inquiry about what it actually means to us, and analyzing the ways we use recovery in our communities and who that might exclude.

Personally, I don't like to use recovery language around a lot of my own madness, because it's important to me to be able to validate and affirm the ways I exist as a crazy person in the world. I think of my bipolar & psychosis as fundamental ways that I engage with the world, and I'm really glad that those are the ways I experience my life. I don't think of my bipolar and psychosis as a transient state that I will "recover" from and wake up one day and have all that taken away from me. I find a lot of value and meaning in my psychosis and my mood cycles, and I think I would lose a lot if I no longer experienced them. At the same time, there are ways that my psychosis and bipolar have changed the way my bad days look, ways that my self harm has really caused me a lot of distress and was really debilitating, and ways that my relationship with suicide is incredibly, incredibly difficult. I've been able to find support, healing, and care from places outside the psych system in a way that feels more meaningful for me than the psychiatric systems definition of recovery. Every time I go into the mental health system and try to express that I don't want to stop having hallucinations, that I want to use harm reduction for my self harm, and that I don't want to go on meds, I am labeled as noncompliant, antirecovery, dangerous, and incapable of living outside of institutions. This is despite the fact that I have worked really hard in building up a support system, access tons of resources, have found a bunch of coping strategies that work for me, and have built a life that accommodates my madness.

So to answer your question, I am against the ideas the recovery should be the default and I am really critical of the way the psych system uses recovery as a foundation for coercive treatment, but I fully support mad/MI/ND people's right to find healing, support, resistance, care, coping skills, resources in whatever way makes sense to them and fits with their needs and autonomy.

Summary: The current concept of recovery in our mental health system is based on ableist ideas about normality and labels mad/MI/ND as dangerous for just existing as mad people. Coercive treatment like psych wards tries to force ideas about recovery onto all mad/MI/ND people, and makes us feel like we are unworthy if we aren't doing everything we can to be compliant. Mad/MI/ND people have the right to define what healing/coping/resistance/care means to them, and if that means rejecting ideas of recovery, treatment, and conformity, our autonomy should be respected.

Feel free to ask any other questions!

#asks #antipsych #antipsychiatry #psych abolition #mad liberation #self harm mention tw #suicide mention tw #other antipsych mutuals if anyone wants to add on what being antirecovery might mean to u. feel free! #i don't usually use the language 'antirecovery' on tumblr because i think it's pretty associated with fatphobic pro ana content on here #but i do think antirecovery like i've laid out on this post is super important to me!

[stellarred]

REVISITING STAR TREK PICARD

In STP S2: 7 "Monsters" (Rewatching bc i can't help but torture myself in the name of Qcard), while he lies unconscious on a table in La Clinica Mariposa, Picard finds himself in a surprise therapy session with DS9's Dr. Bashir for some reason.

I honestly dont think that was Bashir he was talking to.

I strongly believe that Bashir was actually Q bc of some things he said, did, and the way he acted with Picard.

Bashir asked Picard if he was feeling closed in when he was squirming, as in "feeling claustrophobic?"

Picard confirmed he did, and Bashir said that "those who don't like feeling closed in want to be free in the "infinite cosmos."

Bashir draws a parallel between Picard and Q bc

Q is claustrophobic, too. Remember Dejà Q and Worf pushing him into a turbolift?

"Hey, I'm claustrophobic; I don't like it in here."--Q

Who lives to be free in the infinite cosmos? Q, of course.

And so does Picard.

Bashir also mentions "judge and jury" at some point and uses the name "Jean-Luc" a lot.

I didn't think he and Picard were on a first name basis. Q is, though.

Bashir also keeps talking about the Sun, which is a representation of Q. He even hands Picard the Sun, forcing him to look at it, reflect on it, appreciate it.

It's so interesting how Bashir almost mocks Picard's commitment to being ethical, too. He has this almost sneer when he throws a bit of shade at Starfleet even, and then goes on about Picard not embracing his more wild side. Tapestry Q anyone?

Is Q a fan of Starfleet? Not really. It fits that he'd mock and deride Starfleet and Picard's devotion to it, right?

Why would Bashir do that? Unless he wasn't Bashir....

I also found Bashir rather seductive in his tone with Picard. When he probes Picard about why he's always "holding others at arms length", I swear he looks sad.

Did anyone notice that?

I mean it. On DS9, Bashir is usually calm, cool, pragmatic, and reasonable. I don't recall seeing such intensity with Garak most of the time.

But this Bashir is very intense and almost pleading.

His face looks hurt.

Did anyone notice how Bashir even turns away from Picard when asking him about his apprehension to let others in (his heart), only to turn and ask with hurt eyes, "Why?"

Picard then realizes that he's stuck emotionally. He's stuck. Rios, Raffi, Seven, Agnes. Especially Q. They're all stuck in the past.

How interesting that Q has been trying to help heal Picard with his fear, and now "Bashir" "leads him" to this realization???

Man, he's quick. That's one uber talented therapist!

I just don't buy that Bashir did this. I think it was Q.

Same goes for when Bashir acts as a stand in for Picard's father. Picard said he was a monster, but Bashir shows him that his father wasn't out to really hurt Maman Picard. Again, this Bashir just showed and replayed a major key moment in Picard's traumatized past and then Picard suddenly understood???

How did Bashir know what to do? Q understands Picard better than anyone.

How is Bashir such a genius with Picard's pain?

Then, "Bashir" hands him the book with the Q Sun drawing.

Remember who loves you, Picard?

Another Sun reminder. Another reminder of Q.

Twice does Picard get handed a Q Sun, so why is Bashir doing this???

Then, Picard wakes up and tells the Laris lookalike therapist about his realization about Q wanting him to know him.

Why would Bashir help guide him to Q anyway?

Now, Q wants to help Picard heal his traumas and open his heart to others (to him, let's be honest here)

If Picard won't go to therapy, then let therapy come to Picard.

Q knows that Picard wouldn't give Q the time of day in listening to him, but Picard would listen to a familiar doctor, like Bashir.

I'm wondering if Q had enough strength and powers left to act as Bashir and create this therapy intervention.

His finger snaps didn't work, but we've seen Q focus his eyes and mind on things before to use his powers. Like at the end of Tapestry. Q is dying, yes.

But, what if this was Q's Hail Mary?

What if Q used the last of a different category of Q Powers? No to teleportation. Nada with telekinesis. No more finger snapping.

What if this was Q's final "disguise", "mind insertion"?

Because Q is desperate to reach Picard, this may have been his only shot at guiding Picard to that moment where he suddenly realizes that Q isn't the enemy.

Amazing how quickly Picard realizes and understands this!

Therapy can take years, and seeing a longtime "enemy" in a whole new light doesn't usually happen in 20 minutes.

This show absolutely sucks, but I think the only way to make any sense of it is to consider larger connections that aren't exactly spelled out.

Some of you reading this may write it off as fluffy headcanon.

You may be right.

But, considering how "intellectual" they wanted the show to be, I wouldn't be surprised at all if there were subtexts abound all over the place.

It's so satisfying when the oh-so subtle pieces fit together and it makes sense.

I 100% believe Q was behind this. He was running out of time, and with only three episodes left in the show (bc the show had to focus on all that Agnes Borg stuff, even though the show is supposed to be all about Picard 🙄), Q had to step it up.

We were running out of show episodes, so Q had to move things along with Picard.

As Q said to Picard in Episode 2: Penance, "Do you want me to cut to the chase?"

I say someone definitely cut to the chase with Picard in that therapy session and replay of his childhood. How efficient was all that?

That's the work of someone who knows exactly which points to highlight to Picard.

Shame the writers didn't know to highlight the best points of the season, which were Q/Picard-related.

Instead, we got prison busses, Borg drama, and cocktail parties.

Q, you got shortchanged.

#qcard #star trek q #q #star trek pic #john de lancie #patrick stewart #star trek