self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr
so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.
i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.
for good:
seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through
i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works
politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well
for ill:
wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone
not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.
the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.
for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.
one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.
at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.
on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.
i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.
i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.
i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.
tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir
p.s. fun facts about this blog:
i’ve never changed my icon or blog title
i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.
my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)
during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books
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selected tweets 2016-17
These are tweets from my first @luisneer twitter account. Recently I made a new twitter account with the same username, after having deleted my account and having been without twitter for several months. These tweets are from August 2016 to March 2017, which was most of my first year of college at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I don't go to Shepherd anymore; I transferred to West Virginia University, in Morgantown, WV, after my second semester. My tweets from late March 2017 to [July or August] 2017, when I deleted my twitter, were not archived.
I'm creating this blog post so the world will have access to some of my tweets from the deleted @luisneer, in case they have any merit as literature. I'm still not sure if I will continue to use twitter in 2018/the future. Usually when I use twitter I feel like I'm actually wanting to be doing something else, but I don't know what; or wanting to be using "another app" that doesn't exist. Twitter generally seems bad for me. Questions about my tweets August 2016-March 2017 can be directed at
[email protected]. Thank you
2016
morgantown has ~48 vape shops
**morgantown has ~480 vape shops
siri has werner herzog-like inflections
considering changing outfits when i take several walks in one day (so nobody thinks im a serial killer, stalker, spy, alien)
think i remember ~5% of things i said today
imagined vague connection btwn 'vitamin d' and 'reptar'
felt distinctly that i was a monkey or chimpanzee while crouching in the corner of my dorm room eating peanuts out of a jar
just thought (as a request to my mom) 'fax me my skateboard...'
looked at toilet in bathroom stall with expression of 'utter terror' for what felt like ~15 seconds while it flushed
listening to bright eyes with headphones at house show
feel that the toothpaste i use is advancing decay of my teeth
feel 100% certain that i could train myself to use telepathy to operate my phone during classes
enjoying the sensation of my right leg 'falling asleep' during psychology class (left foot is also 'asleep')
felt 'sociopathic' after eye contact w library worker who watched me pick up & pocket a pair of apple headphones someone had left on a chair
left stolen apple headphones on gray bench across the street from my dorm
repeatedly placed/removed sunglasses while walking in hallway
strong desire to remove all positive patterns from my life and perpetuate/embrace all negative ones
feel that my laptop 'knows' which parts of its screen im looking at
in winchester, VA
thought of my own music as having 'no compelling audible elements'
thought of myself as being legally named 'the fuck up', then couldnt remember my actual name
successfully, i feel, duplicated 'sociopath facial expression' during eye contact with arch-nemesis in stairwell
ive taken 13800mg ibuprofen since i got to college
feel compelled to ask my 9 yr old brother for advice re 'college-level' personal issues
feel smart after sitting on couch in painting studio + reading art magazines for 2 hours
persistent notion that 100% of students at my college personally hate me
psychology professor muttered something like 'scary snake... endocrine system...'
feeling heavily drugged/sedated in psych class
psych professor seems obsessed with/terrified by snakes
imagined kanye smoking crystal meth and tweeting something like 'please help me... cant feel mouth... need help'
saw a moth at open mic, thought about god
experiencing difficulty trying to smile
enjoying using numerous cliches ('the case is closed', 'taking a step back', 'harsh realities') in an essay
intrigued by conversation i had 9 hrs ago w/ 2 boys who countered my tone (calm, eloquent) exactly by being loud and rude in a friendly way
felt simultaneously really cute and really lonely while giggling with my mouth closed in french class
imagined kanye inventing the word 'compactualize' and using it in a sentence during a televised interview
enjoyed 8-sentence john updike bio in norton lit anthology
perceived person standing outside bathroom stall occupied by me could 'sense', via something like echolocation, that i was/am depressed
spoke to french professor in what felt like a distinct persona/alternate luis neer called 'marge simpson voice' luis neer
feel confidently that the public debut of 'marge simpson voice' luis neer was a success
feel that 'marge simpson voice' luis neer is the culmination of an unconscious process that initiated in my mind maybe 3-5 years ago
i want to identify/analyze additional alternate luis neers
i dont like videos
i came to college and got weirder, better at writing, more arrogant, more defeated, more sensible
simultaneously feel that i should run 3 miles and that, at this moment, i would be incapable of running any distance
feel urged to draw new attention to my 'marge simpson voice' tweets
huge power outage at shepherd lol
realized theres no such thing as a 'nation'
remembered ive blown off obligations to several people, not just one person, so my irresponsibility doesnt 'have a focus', felt comforted
feel that my follower count is 'crystallized' / will never increase or decrease ever again
struggled to convert 'stick-and-poke' to past tense during conversation in line at sheetz
feel it would be pleasurable to take a donut + bottle of coca-cola from this sheetz via armed robbery
crossed busy road, felt really surprised i didnt get hit by a car, also i wasnt wearing glasses, was walking to sheetz, bought an icee
laughed alone in my dorm thinking that i should print out a picture of barack obama to put on my wall
drank from separate glasses containing soymilk, coffee, iced coffee, apple juice, cranberry juice, water, sprite for dinner/breakfas
just thought 'from adorno to zizek' sans context while shitting
opened gmail, emailed my father, closed gmail, opened gmail again, viewed email to my father, forwarded it to myself
'camcorder' would be a good band name
i thought arnold palmer had already died
willem dafoe doesnt make me uncomfortable
i want to stop being mean
i hate bfs but i want to be someones bf
wishing i was in a car with friends and no cellular service
tangled up in myself and others
twin peaks is depicted as a small town but its population is greater than that of every city in west virginia including the state capital
eating shark
thought of my own intelligence as 'frightening'
thought while walking to class that ginger ale should be made public domain
had the stitches on my chin removed today, touched the scar tissue for the first time
i miss being in therapy
i love carpet
i love carpet !!
just thought about my own tweets and lol'd
mood lately very fragile
this is what i get for staying up til 5 am
all night i've felt a wave of dread swelling up, now it's really hitting me
sound of laughter in public still frightening + unnerving
my instinct for when to unfriend people on facebook has adapted so that i unfriend people over statuses that make me feel no emotions at all
fuck, im feeling so much terror
gucci mane was born 3 days before conor oberst
the other day i mentioned that i was a poet and this vape guy interrupted me to say "and you didnt know it" and i went fucking nuclear
interacted with mailman who was picking up mail as i was trying to mail chapbooks, he didnt notice at first that i was talking to him
what if old people have secrets
my dad is making me root for a football team but im in pain emotionally
i feel guilty in general
thought of my poem "portrait of a nation without any people" as the "lead single" for my full length; it appeared in potluck 14 months ago
im close friends with satan rn
feel like travis scott never intended for people to spell his name with a $
from now on every time i get honey on something ill list the thing in this thread
finger
desk
coffee cup exterior
pajama pants
knee
carpet
chin
phone
shirt
shoe
thought that my elderly geography prof. moves by "shuffling"
feeling shorter, broader
the only part of the new bright eyes box set i want is the booklet
is there a booklet? i know there are nvr b4 sn photos
the song "lime tree" came to conor oberst in a dream
i like citing things in MLA
i write essays by pretending im werner herzog
doesnt seem to be getting later
lit professor gave my project (sequence of 6 sonnets) a C, i wish she would have gotten me expelled, shelley + ginsberg both were expelled
heard someone in another room ask "where's wal-mart?" as if wal-mart were a person whose location could change
i think i just swallowed a filling while eating popcorn, i am very scared, please help
crazy how things get worse
there are people on my floor having tons of fun and im upset
bit my mattress while sitting in the chair next to my bed
weird that chance the rapper only has 2.4 million followers when he's sort of one of the most famous artists in the world rn
also weird that donald trump has made 34,000 tweets, seems like an incredibly large number
the strangeness of yesterday was, for me, augmented by people on the internet talking about a tv show that ive never seen or heard about
the sunlight is obscene
im so upset about the sun being so bright im afraid to go outside
im glad im the only poet who likes trailer park boys
i slept in a blanket fort under my bed and havent left it all day
yr = your ur = you're
my favorite things are pdfs
now that ive adapted my living space to allow me to never leave my blanket fort i feel like my roommate, omar, exists in a parallel universe
i hear him but i never see him
i love latte art, i drink many lattes
thought that twitter "isn't worth it" in an upset tone while drinking mtn dew
felt pleasant considering uniqueness of all parent-offspring relationships
went through my closet + made sure all shirts and jackets were zipped/buttoned
my blanket is generating flashes of light from static electricity
record store guy became visibly sick of me several months ago; feel a little guilty every time i enter his store to spend money
i prefer EPs
felt "out of control" walking downhill listening to dead kennedys with headphones
writing an essay is difficult because idk how much relevant information other people have already considered / moved on from
have been wanting to write at least one poem inside my blanket fort but i don't think it's going to happen, i don't know why
the internet isn't big enough
usually when i think "i dont understand the uproar about [event]" i realize there is no "uproar"
"uproar" is media's way of manipulating the public spotlight and distracting people from important tasks
feeling helpless + melancholy after dying 15 times and killing 2 stormtroopers in star wars battlefront
the only way to attain conor oberst-level emo hair is to lay in bed and sob for hours
i'm sad
my mom was confused when i told her my first book comes out today
was luis neer in odd future
thought "sometimes i just want to end it and start all over" in an exasperated tone re my goodreads account
becoming increasingly convinced it would be best for me personally to take myself extremely seriously/never joke about myself
thinking that my tweets would seem terrible if i were a senator/governor/other politician
imagined doomsday device for future @starwars movies: the "death train," a normal train that exists in space and destroys planets
how does anyone do it
in science fiction movies, spacecraft usually look like shopping malls
everyone in the world is high except me
feel like i want to have poems published immediately
having delusions of grandeur
im sitting on my record player
my most-used word in 2016 was "bleak"
prepared and ate garbanzo beans w a lot of rosemart at 2:00 AM
my brother has a friend over and is being mean to the friend
all i want for christmas is to never cheer up, ever
watching eyes wide shut and hugging duckuc
my nose feels like it's going to bleed
im sad because every bf looks like me
getting better at eating ice cream by punching it with my tongue
the internet is too freaky...
i think 2017 will be a year of realizing things
im watching the angry birds movie
the angry birds movie is so shitty... why was it made...
ive never had a new years kiss
2017
im weird
eating medicinal ice cream
im not going to do any drugs in 2017
made a medicinal phone call
i want to drink some blood
i dreamed that roger ebert wrote a negative review of life after ppl and called it "liner notes"
years dont kill people
feel inexplicably/explicably really scared about the future of my poetry career
i've felt stoned since i was a baby
downloading google earth
made eye contact in starbucks with possible luis neer incarnation from ~50 years in future; bon jovi "dead or alive" played through speakers
realised that at some point in the future i will become extremely interested in watching football
i recommend reading poems extremely slowly while touching the text with your middle finger/index finger
experiencing cognitive dissonance
used phonetic clues to correctly predict meaning of & use the word "tandem" while discoursing with myself internally
i miss steel pedal guitar sounds on conor oberst songs
my previous incarnation "college luis neer" has evolved to become "high school luis neer-like luis neer in college setting"
thought "man, i got to stop caring what people think about me" in an emphatic tone that seemed confusing/interesting
mediocore
beyonce is cool i think
i want to re-read "v for vendetta" and to not tweet about it
remembered that i own a pinata
i will be at awp
how could i make twitter a better place
i saw 4 people wearing yeezys in dc this weekend
feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much i use the phrase "in the world" or refer to "the world" in poems
felt robot-like while attaching detachable headphones cord to my headphones while wearing the headphones
watching shepherd univ lacrosse team practice from "safety of" student center
i invented releasing two chapbooks in one day
im dumber than me
reasoned mentally that im more likely to produce accurate drawings of myself because "i basically look like a bird, so i just draw a bird"
i want to have a "fake tweet" (e.g. a simple phrase) to tweet repeatedly every time i feel urged to tweet an uninformed/unimportant opinion
my fake tweet for the foreseeable future will be "i dropped my textbook in the stairwell". when i tweet this it means i have an opinion
i dropped my textbook in the stairwell
does anyone remember the chapter of "the hobbit" where bilbo avoids starvation by ingesting peanut butter, honey, cherry nyquil, and water
sensed that all my college friends just simultaneously shifted from having vague/non-serious negative feelings about me to hating me
resulting from continuous building of irrepressible/inevitable conjecture in the friends' conscious thoughts
eating chicken and squash
i click on 100% of poetry links tweeted by poets i follow
when i was writing Waves i was obsessed with waves (e.g. energy waves, frequencies) and used the word "waves" at least ~10 times every day
i dropped my textbook in the stairwell
white nike swooshes on shoes of boy in library look vibrant/magical
terrified of being cool
walked to library really slowly while listening to noise music through big headphones
i was really, really yung when i started publishing and i'm still really yung
2 chainz always looks like he's walking in an airport
i have 5 twitters
i didnt know what bill paxton looked like, i was thinking RIP gene hackman
why doesnt anyone blog about me
thesis statements arent real
thinking about my book
i deleted both my tumblrs by accident
sad about my tumblr
my name is all over the internet
im a lizard
someday there'll be no more ppl
a lot of conor oberst song titles have parentheses
feeling sad about the actions of my clone, who passed away
idk how to use venmo or what it is
present-day tumblr is like the end of the never ending story where atreyu is talking with the rock biter and the nothing is swirling around
when someone, anyone, is upset with me im afraid im going to be assassinated
the views-era apple music ads that depict drake working hard in the studio have really affected and inspired me
on tumblr i have 4 followers
almost all of my tweets seem unimportant
feel that if someone told me that one of my tweets made them upset i would just apologize and delete it
ground control to commander venus
i like my new tumblr
i would be wearing a cardigan rn but i dont have one
feel that i will continue to generate bright eyes-related content throughout my life
is everything ok
i look like michael moore
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