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isitreallyok · 3 years

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Social Interaction and Anxiety

Social Events and how I engage with them is a big topic for me. I know this post is quite a lot, but it was an entire journey going through it.

What is it about social situations that keep you from thriving in them?

I have talked a bit in some of the earlier posts about trust issues and perception. These two points are honestly the biggest things that keep me from being able to be comfortable when out socializing with people. The trust issues stem from years of getting myself hurt by those who claimed to care about me. The perception of what others think of me has been tainted by those who have hurt me. Ultimately this has led to feeling as though even when I am invited out with people, albeit infrequently, I’m merely an afterthought and don’t belong in certain situations. Typically when I am invited out it is to things that are very last minute which has never been a good way for me to try to operate.

What’s the problem with last-minute stuff?

Well, dear reader, I’m glad you asked. Given my eternal struggle with feeling like I am worthy of inclusion in many events, I have adapted to the ways of the “Social Chameleon.” What this means is that in many circumstances, to keep myself feeling like I belong in a situation, I tend to adapt my behavioral patterns to the group that I am spending time with. I understand that this is not the healthiest means of finding acceptance with others given that this will eventually lead to misunderstandings or the risk of "wearing the wrong face" when in various scenarios, but ultimately this has been a time tested method of keeping myself from getting too hurt.

So in working towards becoming this social chameleon for various events I have to prepare myself for what all that will entail. Often times that means playing 20 questions and preparing myself for any situation that could arise. Some groups are more extreme than others for what I need to expect, but they all require an adapted headspace so that I can feel as though I am able to feel as though I fit in. Do I need to make sure that I'm on my best behavior? Do I need to plan excuses for why I won't be drinking? Do I need to need to be able to justify my sobriety in a specific way so that it is understood? Will I be put in situations that jeopardize the emotional wellbeing of who I am behind the mask? These are just some of the many questions I go through in unknown situations and sometimes those questions can take days to answer. So naturally, I feel as though I'm unable to manage when I don't have time to prepare myself for going out.

That's a lot just to go out with friends. How do you manage it?

Honestly, I don't. This is a big problem of mine. I'm mortified that I am not good enough for anyone in my life and constantly feel as if the person behind the mask is one that people will just turn tail and run from. By showing people who I really am, the amount of vulnerability required to do so typically is exhausting and makes social interactions unmanageable in large groups. On the contrary, spending days preparing myself to be someone I'm not for a social gathering is also exhausting and makes the experience less enjoyable. Basically, all of the social experiences I have where I am not comfortable showing who I really am without fear of not being accepted as such are tiring, anxiety-inducing, and often nightmarish situations.

It seems to me like you don't actually enjoy these social experiences? Why keep putting yourself in that situation?

Really I have no idea. The problem I run into is that often I find myself wanting to interact with others in a way where I can truly be myself yet I allow the fear of rejection takes over so I default to catering to the expectations that they have of me. I do genuinely enjoy spending time with other people as I am a very extroverted individual. However, of late, I am finding that I would rather sit in my depression alone than trust that someone else will understand my situation. Typically I don't bother making plans with others to avoid burnout, but that leads to its own set of problems.

That seems like a really lonely way to live your life. Is that not the exact opposite of what you want?

Who are you telling? That exact sentiment is the problem that I am working to address. There are two concepts vying for dominance in my head. The first is that I am lonely and need to make new friends and expand my social circle to handle my loneliness. This tends to be a recurring thought that gives me horrible anxiety in social circumstances. With thoughts like 'What if I mess this up?' and 'What if they don't understand me?' going through my head, I tend to overthink many situations and default back to the social chameleon behaviors that get me in trouble in the first place. The second concept is one that speaks for itself. It is the belief that people will continue to disappoint me the same way that I will continue to disappoint them. This concept has led to so many missed opportunities in my life as I have gone through my days.

Clearly, neither of these thought patterns are healthy ways for one to live life. However, they are also both patterns that are cyclical and get increasingly difficult to break as they solidify. So while thinking that the world does not want me or that the issues that I face are so unique that no one will understand or relate to them is unhealthy, this is what has become my comfort zone.

That line of thinking is comfortable for you? That seems kind of messed up. Shouldn't your comfort zone be more ... comfortable?

Here is what I mean by self-sabotage and loneliness being a comfort zone. By describing this as a comfort zone, I am more talking about how this is the default behavior that I tend to exhibit. I don't enjoy any of the consequences that come from feeling isolated from the entire outside world. The very thought of how cowardly these patterns are is disheartening. Though adjusting my personal norms is, in large part, a consistent struggle.

It is often said that failure makes us stronger. As someone who deals with anxiety in many forms, the very concept of failing is something that is potentially threatening. Allowing myself to fail is something that I have spent many years working on. Somehow after all these years, I still feel as though I'm completely stuck and all progress has come to a screeching halt. Failure is a topic for another day though.

So let me get this straight. You want to come to a point of showing people who you really are so that they can accept you, but struggle in doing so because you're concerned about finding their acceptance in the first place?

It's a real mess of a situation, isn't it? Social anxiety has never made perfect sense to me. Logically it seems like something that should not be a concern for people. Emotionally it makes sense that people would be paralyzed by their fear of rejection. This type of anxiety was something that started plaguing me much later in life. In high school, I cared about what people thought but I accepted that I was just a nerdy kid and I wasn't everyone's cup of tea. In adulthood, I somehow began to care what people think and then allow their perceptions of me to dictate my own perception.

Ultimately what I want to find is freedom from the burden of the views of others. I want to be able to accept myself for how and who I am so that I no longer have a crippling fear of rejection. I strive to find a sense of self-worth that is strong enough to handle the thought that not everyone will accept me and that is okay. Accepting that this is what I desire and working towards accepting myself the way that I want others to accept me will be the first steps towards allowing myself to grow into someone I am comfortable openly allowing everyone to see.

No one person is meant to be accepted by the entire world. In believing that any single individual should be, you are placing them on a pedestal and asking someone to come along and kick it over. The problem I face is that I threw myself on a pedestal so high that I can no longer see the ground beneath me. It will be a long climb down, but I think that eventually, I will find solid ground beneath my feet.

#isolation #loneliness #Social Anxiety #anxiety #depression #bipolar #mental health #mentalheathawareness #its ok to not be ok

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lonedoctrine · 5 years

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Welcome to our segment of the “Think Tank” where we send out a Q&A to the people, to keep building and exploring “Food For Thought” for the people. Each and every moment someone’s story is unfolding and I feel each and every one of us is significant. Together, we make TODAY better than YESTERDAY.

Our next next guest has led a life of great resilience, commitment, and compassion. Even through the harshest conditions, she's a wildflower that continues to bloom.

Think Tank

1. Give a bit of your background/context. (Where you’re from, what you do, etc.)

I am a Los Angeles native through and through. Lived in northern California for a few years after high school, but LA has my heart. Professionally I am a commercial coordinator – this means I make TV commercials for a living.

2. What are some your top values in life and, why?

Empathy & compassion are the big ones – my parents always said I had a big heart from an early age. I have always found myself drawn to and rooting for the underdog and I yearn for an even playing field; a world where we all have the same opportunities, the same basic needs – physical and emotional (a roof over our heads, access to clean and safe food and water, and the love and support of family or friends, a world where no one is burdened or disadvantaged by lack). My heart breaks every time I pass a homeless person on the street and I am often left wondering – why them and why not me? How is it that I get to go to work every day, come home to my (modest yet comfortable but most of all SAFE) home, eat healthy/fresh food, be warm and safe and know I am loved and this person is left cold, hungry, lonely on the street day after day. I just don’t get it. I try to help when I can, but am often left scratching my head when I start to compare – I look at the abundance in this world, and I mean exorbitant abundance – people that own multiple cars (for pleasure not necessity), live in mansions, wear designer clothes and eat at fancy restaurants…how can they do that in good conscience when there are people lying on the streets…let alone people, in say Africa, who don’t even have access to CLEAN WATER?! So yeah, I think what this world needs more of is compassion…if we all cared about one another a little more, it would go a long way.

3. In your work and personal/home life what are some of the ways you stay motivated?

I have struggled with depression nearly my whole life, so staying motivated is a crucialpart of maintaining my wellbeing. I recognize that and therefore am hyper aware & pro active of certain steps and tools that are necessary for me to stay “level.”

Tool #1 – waking up early and starting my day with exercise. Being up early affords me a head start. I feel like the hour and a half I spend exercising before the sun is up, not only gets me physically ready for my day (loosens the muscles, gets my blood pumping, endorphins going, etc.) – but it also prepares me mentally. It gives me that time to mentally run through my day, play out all I have on my agenda and gets me geared up to tackle it head on. That time is essential in combating the anxiety that may come with heavily pressured work days, or days when I have a lot to get done in a little time. That hour and a half spent thinking in silence (I used to listen to music to amp me up, but I found that it was drowning out my thoughts and have only recently noticed I do better listening to my inner voice than say Tim Armstrongs’ of Rancid. ;) ) – that time helps me not feel overwhelmed with all I have ahead of me on that day.

Tool #2 – Subjecting myself to healthy influences, mentally and physically. I LOVE me a good murder mystery show and I have never met a cheese burger I didn’t like, but I have to keep my consumption of both in check if I am going to keep a positive, energized and hopeful outlook on life. I find that the more I expose myself to mental downers (the news – ugh, CSI, angry rap music to name a few for me) the more I find my mental well being in jeopardy; I find myself predisposed to being agitated or weighed down/sluggish, which in turn makes me unmotivated. Same goes with food, when I eat clean, I am physically lighter and more energized. When I eat greasy delicious chili cheeseburgers all the time, all I want to do in nap in sweat pants. That being said, I also think depravity is not healthy (it will make me resentful, sad), so its all about moderation.

Tool #3 – making lists. I find, the deeper I get into this whole adult hood thing, the more things there are to get done and the less time we have to do them. Sometimes I can feel completely overwhelmed by all my responsibilities that I will be completely paralyzed/unmotivated because I don’t know where to start. Making lists so I can compartmentalize and better see the big picture and this decipher what demands my current attention and what can be addressed at a later date, setting reminders (“hey Siri, set a reminder” – literal life game changer for me, thank you apple) – both of these things really help keep my momentum moving forward.

4. We speak of “Food For Thought” that provides a means of making TODAY better than YESTERDAY. What do you do or do you have a daily routine to keep your mind on the right track?

Well, I feel I addressed some of this above but I can expand a little. A big part of keeping my mind on the right track is controlling my inner dialog. I struggle with my own perception of myself (body image, self worth) and I often catch myself speaking really negatively about myself and that is something I make a conscious effort to combat. Lately (and I mean only super recently) – I have been trying to flip the script by saying positive and hopeful things about myself. I am currently working hard to get healthy (physically) and though my physical progress has been minute, I am praising myself every day for getting up and out of bed and exercising. When I start to go down an anxiety black hole in work because my load is “too much to bear,” I remind myself – “I have done this before and I will do it again. My colleagues have chosen me to work alongside them for a reason; I am beyond capable and skilled and over qualified and I will excel in this and all that I do because of my strong work ethic and unfaltering, well sometimes faltering but always getting back up, attitude.”

5. What are your top three favorite books, movies, or shows and, why?

Favorite books – “Beach Music” by Pat Conroy, “Summer Sisters” by Judy Blume & almost anything by Michael Connelly, my favorite probably being, “The Poet.”

My love for these three books are all deeply rooted in the memories from the time in my life I was at, when these books came to me. When I was in my early 20s I had just moved back to LA and into my first apartment alone. I was scraping by, paycheck-to-paycheck and I could not afford cable. My grandpa started a book club with me; every month he would give me 5 books that I had to read, and to this day he has never recommended something that didn’t move me in some way.

“Beach Music” is an incredible story about life and love and the journeys we all take and it was just a really powerful read. All of Connelly’s works are really well written. Probably my favorite thing about his books is that they are all set in Los Angeles and he constantly references little places that only natives would notice or recognize. I can close my eyes and instantly be transported to my first apartment in the Hollywood hills; lights dim, crickets chirping, 1950s slatted windows letting in a crisp breeze… (I can even see the crimson red bed sheets I was lying in when I was reading “The Poet”). I remember turning the page and the protagonist (Harry Bosch) found himself in his apartment off Woodrow Wilson drive and the murderer was creeping up his back stairs unbeknownst to him…Woodrow Wilson drive was literally less that a mile from my apartment; all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I got chills. I remember calling my grandpa late that night, after 10pm, and scolding him for giving me this book – such a terrifying and salacious read, I could not put it down and I just remember his laughter and commiseration because he felt the same way when he read it…such special memories, and a bond that we still share - to this day we have both read almost every one of Connelly’s works and we still come together to share stories about our reads.

Judy Blume, I don’t think I need to expand much here as her reputation precedes her. But, “Summer Sisters” was her first adult novel and I was 14, and traveling with my best friend from kindergarten, when my mother gave us both a copy. The story is set around two girls, different in so many ways but the same at the core and it follows their friendship from elementary school through adulthood. This book lined up with both our lives in so many ways and I can again, close my eyes and be transported to the deck of a ferry boat in the Mediterranean (side note, how lucky was I?!) eating chocolate with Erica (my bestie) and eagerly turning each page, we could not read the book fast enough! I have since re-read the book over 10 times and recently gifted my copy to my little sister on her graduation from junior high (at age 14) and she read it while traveling with me (in the Mediterranean no less!) and it’s just continued to impact my life in so many lovely ways.

6. If you could chose a superpower or spirit animal what would it be and, why?

I don’t quite get the spirit animal thing; blame it on my lack of imagination so I guess I’ll go with super power? Though I really am not one for the fanciful ideas, I prefer to stay rooted in reality but I guess that sounds like a conversation to explore with my therapist.

If I had to choose, I guess I would say flying? Birds have always seemed so free and to watch one soar is just a magical experience and I suppose it would be nice to see how that feels. Also, would be awesome to beat traffic – ha!

7. If you could call your younger self, what sort of advice would you offer?

Funny that this question should come up, as I found myself actually yearning to talk to my younger self just the other day. I was going through a keepsake box when I stumbled upon my journals from high school. As an adult, I have always owned my upbringing, “the fast life, growing up way too quick, exposed to so much at a young age because of distracted young parents & living in a big city” but re-reading these journals, combined with all the emotional work I have been doing in therapy lately, I found myself desperate to hold the younger me, shower her in love and reassure her that everything would work out as its meant to. You see I had a tough time in high school – dabbled in drugs and boys at an early age, which derailed my path and shifted my priorities. That, combined with a brutal divorce, distracted (neglectful seems harsh but accurate?)/busy parents & a falling out with my friend group, which left me “completely alone,” basically plunged me into a really dark and deep depression. Reading my words back, I was gifted with the perspective and able to see that it was all really a cry for help, for love, and most of all for accountability. I found myself lost in the shuffle and desperate for a place to belong. Only now am I finding that I have to create that place for myself and to lift the responsibility and subsequent disappointment off of the other people in my life. When I allow myself to be the filler of my own cup, I can be fulfilled and happy – when I look to others for validation, love etc. – I open myself up for disappointment. Mostly, if I could talk to my younger self, I would pull her into a deep embrace and tell her she’s worthy of the love she so desperately craves. I would tell her life is so much bigger than high school and though it seems hopeless, things will change and shift and these years will just be a drop in the bucket. I will reassure her that her parents did the best they could and inadvertently taught you what to do/not do, and hope that you will be given the opportunity to right those wrongs with your own children at some point in life.

To learn more VISIT www.patreon.com/lonedoctrine

#Support #SelfHelp #Puppies #People #Awesome #LoneDoctrine #Podcast

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marcusssanderson · 5 years

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Do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough with your life?

Do you ever feel like you’re not accomplishing everything that you want to get done?

Do you ever sit in a room alone and cry about it?

On my 16th birthday, I ran into my bedroom, closed the door and cried for an hour.

“Why?” you ask.

I thought I had turned 16 and had not accomplished anything in my life. Seriously. True story. I remember it so vividly. In retrospect, that notion seemed ridiculous. I was only 16. I was very young. Then again, similar thoughts ran across my mind when I turned 18, 21, etc. With any milestone birthday, it is natural to start thinking about your accomplishments or lack of accomplishments.

Do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough with your life?

Even the most accomplished people can fall into this trap of feeling like a failure. Maybe not everyone sits in a corner and cries about it but the feeling is commonplace. Goals and the desire to accomplish great things in life is not a bad thing on its own. For the most past, it’s a positive thing. Our world would not be where it is today if we didn’t have people who achieved great things. However, if we become consumed by feelings of failure and not accomplishing enough on a regular basis, this can lead to unhealthy thoughts.

Through experience and an attitude change, I have been able to keep those negative feelings at bay. It doesn’t mean every day I wake up feeling like a sensational success but I am able to move forward with my life and goals in a healthy manner. Here are some helpful tips to help you overcome those feelings of inadequacy.

1.) Make a list of things you have accomplished.

Oftentimes we forget our successes and we probably have done more than we realize. A visual reminder of these accomplishments can do wonders for one’s confidence. Write down even the small accomplishments or things you might take for granted like graduating from high school or owning a car. Write it on a piece of paper and post it on your wall. When you see all the things you have actually done, you won’t ever say “I haven’t accomplished anything.”

Another great way to reflect on your life is writing your bio. When I feel like I’m not accomplishing enough, I will go to my website and read my bio again. It refreshes my memory that there have been significant achievements in my life and career.

2.) Don’t compare yourself to other people.

Those feelings of not accomplishing enough are almost always tied to measuring yourself against others. The reality is that there will always be someone more successful than you, who makes more money than you, who is better looking than you and so on and so forth. Letting envy rear its ugly head is unhealthy and detracts from your own accomplishments. Remember that your journey in life is unique and that you should not be defined by other people’s success. You can spend a lifetime trying to top someone else’s accomplishments and never take the time to appreciate your own.

3.) Count your blessings.

The other side of the coin is that there will always be someone else who is worse off than you. Someone else is less successful than you, makes less money than you and so on and so forth. I know I just said “don’t compare yourself to other people” but this type of comparison is about gaining some perspective on your own situation. That doesn’t mean you should develop an air of superiority and get a big head thinking about all your accomplishments. It’s not about thinking you’re better than other people. It’s about remembering what really matters in life. For instance, if the things you want to accomplish are career or financially measured, they don’t seem very important if you have a friend who is battling cancer or a neighbor who lost a parent. For some people, taking a breath of fresh air each day is a huge accomplishment.

Make it a habit to be thankful each day. Gratitude is a great weapon to defeat discontentment.

4.) Have an ultimate cheerleader in your life.

You may have friends and family members that may be the hard to please types. This may be a huge source of your feelings of inadequacy. If you listen to them long enough and are surrounded by their negatively, it’s only natural that you buy into anything critical they are saying about you.

Have at least one friend that is your ultimate cheerleader. We all need that person that will say “I’m proud of you! You’re doing great! I believe in you!” That affirmation is your lifeline. We all need that person who will always see the silver lining and tell us that the cup is half full. When you start getting down on yourself, that person reminds you of all your accomplishments and encourages the heck out of you. They will write you notes, send you texts with positive emoji and give you a pat on the back.

Do not underestimate the power of moral support. It’s important to have that friend who will ask you how you’re doing and make sure you don’t relapse into thinking you’re a failure. This requires you to be somewhat vulnerable in sharing your struggles and feelings of self-doubt. If you don’t have a cheerleader in your life, you might need to make some new friends so you can find one.

5.) Focus your energy on helping others.

We live in a “me first” society and that can breed dissatisfaction when we don’t get what we want. When you turn attention away from yourself, you won’t dwell on what you feel are your own shortcomings. I find this principle to be the most helpful and tangible to practice. Mentor someone or volunteer with a local non-profit. Find other ways to help people who are starting out or are in need. Instead of asking “what can I do to advance my own goals?” try asking “what can I do to help someone else with their goals?” It will remind you that you have much to offer to the world.

Keeping these things in mind will go a long way to helping you get over that “accomplishment” arms race. Life is not a competition though some people will have you believe that. It can be a lifelong process to keep from thinking you are not doing enough in your life. We shouldn’t be lazy and unproductive by any means. Working hard and having goals is a good thing. However, it can be a lonely, paralyzing place to be if you constantly feel like you’re a failure and have done nothing of significance. A crisis of confidence will prevent you from living life to your fullest potential.

I leave you with some lyrics to a song I wrote called “Paralyzed” that best expresses my feelings on this topic. Whenever that 16 year old overachiever in me starts to emerge again, I think of this song. I hope these words will encourage you to move past any feelings of inadequacy you have.

Don’t want to finish last

Failure haunting me

Life passing by too fast

Not being all that I could be

Fighting to move on

Facing fears until they’re gone

I no longer want to be paralyzed

I refuse to be paralyzed

The post Do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough with your life? appeared first on Everyday Power Blog.

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marketingplaybook · 7 years

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6 Years Without a Boss

On this day in 2011, my life changed dramatically. I didn’t know it at the time, but the change was for the better.

I was laid off on August 18, 2011, and it was my second layoff in about two years. Confidence was at an all-time low. Pressure to produce for my wife and three boys was at an all-time high.

I could never have dreamed on that day that six years later I’d be boss-less. Well, I’d likely assume unemployment was a possibility. But not a business of my own that would not only succeed but sustain that long.

I’m not your prototypical entrepreneur, by any stretch of the imagination. You may think of overachievers. Hyperactive personalities. Extroverts. Work over sleep. None of these words and phrases describe me.

I feel incredibly lucky.

My wife Lisa has supported me throughout the crazy. She remained patient while my lack of paycheck could have been interpreted as laziness and refusal to work.

I’ve had jobs, experiences, friends, acquaintances, support system, privileges, and education that all helped make this possible.

Six years ago, our oldest son was 10. He’s now driving. Six years ago, I felt like a mid-30s kid still trying to grow up. Maybe even resisting adulthood.

I had no vision. I had no grand idea for what I was going to create. There was no business plan.

I just started to write…

This is where you expect me to write about how I became rich and famous. About how I make six figures when I sleep at night, and “here are the three steps so you can do it, too.”

Wealth and fame may motivate some, but it’s never been interesting to me. I measure wealth in time, freedom, flexibility. Time with family. Freedom to do what I want. Flexibility to control my own hours.

By that definition, you’re damn right I’m rich.

I walked my youngest son to school this morning, and I’ll pick him up when he’s done. I spend more time coaching my middle son’s baseball team than I do worrying about work. My wife and I spend so much time together that she gets sick of me.

And it’s glorious.

This new life of freedom still has its challenges. It’s not perfect. I have regular battles and struggles that are unique to this type of life.

After six years of this, here is a sampling of the important lessons I’ve learned…

Have Patience

That first year was rough. The first six months were even worse. It felt as though I was going nowhere. Progress was difficult to spot, and each step forward seemed to be followed by a step back.

You aren’t going to figure this out overnight. Progress may be slow. Have realistic goals and expectations.

So much of why I’m bossless today is because I didn’t let early failures ruin me. It could have easily happened. I was certainly close to that place. There are times when I still get low.

Impatience leads to a negative outlook. Dissatisfaction. Eventually, you’ll want to give up.

Don’t do it. Be reasonable about your goals. Be fair to yourself and your ability to reach those goals.

Keep Grinding

Going on your own can be overwhelming. There are so many things you can do, so many products you can create, so many tools you should use, so much advice you can take. The result is often paralyzation.

Paralyzation defined much of the early part of my journey. There are so many ways to go, and you don’t know where to start. The easiest thing to do: Nothing.

Progress happens when I create. So what if no one reads that blog post? Write. So what if no one attends that webinar? Host it. So what if no one buys that product? Launch it.

Irrational fear keeps us from trying. But the reality is that we learn something valuable with each new attempt. We learn about what worked and what didn’t, and we make it better next time.

If we’re constantly sitting back, waiting for whatever we’re thinking about doing to be perfect, we’ll never get anything done.

Keep grinding. Fight through the doubt and urge to do nothing.

Keep creating. The joy of helping even one person will be worth it.

Keep failing. It won’t be perfect. The more you fail, the more valuable experiences you’ll have.

Keep learning. Read, try, and experiment. Make yourself and your business better through knowledge.

Take Care of Yourself

You can sleep until noon if you want. Skip breakfast. Eat Skittles for lunch. Watch every episode of Game of Thrones in your underwear.

Who’s stopping you? You don’t have a boss. YEAH! You don’t have a boss! You do what you want!

As someone who’s done it, don’t. It’s not worth it. After 16 days of Skittles, you’ll begin to regret it.

Try to sleep like a normal human. Eat good meals. Don’t forget to exercise. Remember: Your business depends on you. You’re its most important asset!

Solitude is Hard

In the beginning, it’s pretty awesome not having a boss. There are other perks like not having that annoying co-worker around, too. But eventually, it can get awfully quiet.

During the summer months, it’s a party in the Loomer house. All of the kids are around. They want me to play catch in the front yard or play Uno while we watch a mid-afternoon movie.

Then they go to school… Crickets.

No work gossip. No complaining about a project. No office pranks.

It’s one of those things that no one really prepared me for. Working out of my dark basement gets quiet and lonely. And it can suck.

Find a way to remain social. Online social activity can help, but only until you fall in a rabbit hole of comments on a political post (DON’T READ THE COMMENTS, DAMMIT!). Get a hobby. Make friends. Do something.

Coaching baseball helps for me. I set up a daily call with John Robinson. I also go out to lunch every Friday with my wife.

It still gets lonely, but it’s a start.

Create a Routine

You don’t have a boss. No one is telling you what to do. There are a million things you can do today. Where do you start?

I’ll freely admit that I am not an organized person. I’m done feeling embarrassed about it. It’s who I am. I’m not changing. “Winging it” is a skill of mine. I can procrastinate like it’s an Olympic event.

But some structure is necessary. Every day, there’s one task that is primary. It needs to get done. If I get other stuff done, great.

Monday is for my PHC – Entrepreneurs Facebook Live. Tuesday is for training program lessons. Wednesday is for my weekly PHC – Elite weekly webinar. Thursday is for one-on-ones. Friday is for blogging, but it’s otherwise my free day.

That doesn’t mean I don’t do anything else on those days, but having that structure makes me more focused without the overwhelm.

Get Help

When you’re starting your own business, it’s easy to try and do too much. You know what’s best, and you’re trying to save money, so you do it all yourself.

Just stop this madness.

I was a designer, programmer, customer service agent, and podcast editor in the beginning. And I was terrible at these things.

Hire people whose expertise is in your weakness. Find people who are experts in the things that you hate to do.

It will save you a ton of time so that you can focus your energy on the important tasks associated with growing the business.

Balance Involvement with Personal Value

There’s a big potential pitfall associated with getting help. I was not prepared for it.

Once I passed off the things I didn’t want to do, I suddenly felt less valuable. I felt out of the loop. It sapped my inspiration.

Example: I don’t like handling customer service. I can get 99 friendly emails, but the one angry message ruins my day. By passing off that duty, I no longer need to deal with the angry messages. But I also don’t see the nice ones.

Those nice messages make my day. They keep me motivated. They provide inspiration and make me feel like I’m making a difference.

My point? Find a balance. Get help while also making sure that the value you provide keeps you inspired.

Biggers Isn’t Always Better

Innuendo is hilarious.

In the beginning, it was always about shipping and creating. Launch something new. Find another revenue source. Hit a new goal.

Those days are over for me. At least in this current stage of my business.

I’ve found a perfect place right now. It’s a good balance between effort and revenue needed to live my desired lifestyle. To make more, I’d need to create more. Launch more. Build more.

As I said earlier, creating and launching are good. That’s how you learn. But stay within your limits. Know that more money doesn’t equal more happiness.

Have a Reason Why

It’s pretty simple for me. My family keeps me motivated. I want to spend more time with them. Coach their baseball teams. Participate in their lives. Go on vacations with them. These things are what drive focus of my business.

Want me to speak at your event? Eh. It had better not be during baseball season. And it needs to be a family event for a fun vacation. Otherwise, it’s not worth it for me, and I don’t care what the speaking fee is.

Making business decisions becomes easy when you have an overarching reason why you’re doing it all in the first place.

Don’t Obsess Over the Competition

I’m not saying you should completely ignore what other people are doing. When I was finding my way, I learned a lot from the likes of Amy Porterfield, Mari Smith, Chris Brogan, Marcus Sheridan, and many others.

But don’t obsess with keeping up with them. Don’t assume that they have it all figured out. That their backstage is a well-oiled machine. That they’re as happy and successful as they can be.

Look, there’s something to be said for a little competition. I learned this recently in a 5K. I ran for 10 days straight to prepare, running some pretty bad times. I then took 10 straight days off for a family vacation. I jumped into the 5K cold, and ran my best time in months.

Why? Because I wasn’t running by myself. That 12-year-old kid passed me, but I’m going to pass him back. That man my age will not finish ahead of me.

Some competition is healthy. But don’t let it guide all that you do.

Embrace Change

Change is hard for me right now. I have everything the way I want it. Any big change completely throws that out of whack.

But I realize that change is necessary from time to time. Freshen up your approach. Try something new. Not only can your brand get stale to your audience, but repetition can create boredom for the creator.

I admit it. The very routine that I created for myself this year has resulted in more boredom than I’ve experienced since I started. But that’s just a good sign for me: It’s time to mix things up soon.

Doing something new and different — as long as it’s managed, controlled, and doesn’t overextend — can be liberating and inspiring.

As fun as this has been, I know I won’t be writing about Facebook ads for the next 20 years. I’m looking forward to that next business opportunity (baseball related?) that comes my way.

Your Turn

This list could keep going, but these are the primary lessons that come to mind from the past six years. I appreciate you, and I hope you’ve found this article and my content helpful.

Thank you!

The post 6 Years Without a Boss appeared first on Jon Loomer Digital.

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timothyakoonce · 7 years

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6 Years Without a Boss

On this day in 2011, my life changed dramatically. I didn’t know it at the time, but the change was for the better.

I was laid off on August 18, 2011, and it was my second layoff in about two years. Confidence was at an all-time low. Pressure to produce for my wife and three boys was at an all-time high.

I feel incredibly lucky.

My wife Lisa has supported me throughout the crazy. She remained patient while my lack of paycheck could have been interpreted as laziness and refusal to work.

I’ve had jobs, experiences, friends, acquaintances, support system, privileges, and education that all helped make this possible.

Six years ago, our oldest son was 10. He’s now driving. Six years ago, I felt like a mid-30s kid still trying to grow up. Maybe even resisting adulthood.

I had no vision. I had no grand idea for what I was going to create. There was no business plan.

I just started to write…

This is where you expect me to write about how I became rich and famous. About how I make six figures when I sleep at night, and “here are the three steps so you can do it, too.”

By that definition, you’re damn right I’m rich.

And it’s glorious.

This new life of freedom still has its challenges. It’s not perfect. I have regular battles and struggles that are unique to this type of life.

After six years of this, here is a sampling of the important lessons I’ve learned…

Have Patience

That first year was rough. The first six months were even worse. It felt as though I was going nowhere. Progress was difficult to spot, and each step forward seemed to be followed by a step back.

You aren’t going to figure this out over night. Progress may be slow. Have realistic goals and expectations.