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#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad
be-good-to-bugs
·
14 days
Text
i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa
#the bin
#i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious
#so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh.
#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad
#im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20
#more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long
#and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful
#i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed
#and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what
#else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option
#i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed!
#it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them
#all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister
#also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be.
#i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul
#fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh.
#how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon
#and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some
#i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to
#all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone
#besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider
#friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period
#i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho.
#i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past
#8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me.
#its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone
#it will get better. it has to.
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