#i don’t know if it’s a weird thing to be dysphoric about cause its not even the style or the colors

[interwebois]

Dissociative Identity Disorder/ Other Specified Dissociative Disorder

In October of 2022 watching Moon Knight because Cinema Therapy did a video about it saw a bit and was like well I have Disney plush and its Oscar Isaac, (Poe) so let’s watch it. Little did I know our life will change after that. I Alice don’t remember watching Moon Knight the first time or watching The Making of before watching the Series. The only think I Alice remember is episode 2 but it’s a 3rd person prospective. I remember right before and after watching the series and for 2 weeks having non stop panic attacks and not know why. Some of the thoughts I do remember like, “this happens to me all the time”, “Other people experience this” “I don’t have DID because I don’t have Amnesia but other than that it’s all relatable” “This is how I experience being Trans or having an OCD voice” (being Trans is real what I’m referring is the body looking like someone else and me thinking that’s what it meant to be Trans, only time feeling Dysphoria) and searching “Is it possible to have DID and no Amnesia” “Is it possible to be Autistic and have DID” “How Steven and Marc interacts with each other, well that’s too relatable” “Have to show this to my mom because I can finally explain what I experience” watching DID channels to look more into it and every video, every article, every post. The more and more I read, the more and more was like umm “So all those weird things that happens, and I don’t tell anyone even my therapist at that time because If I say it out loud what’s happing they will think I’m weird and the fact that we brushed it off all as having Autism, other people experience theses, what?” but still being like “I don’t have this because I don’t have Amnesia” (Later in November finding out OSDD-1b and still being like nah TW: my trauma isn’t that bad, now knowing more about it and being like that happened what ohh:) and in October started to look like Steven Grant and me being like “Well this is normal, It’s the phase where I look like someone else”, (because this happens with different people) it happened in July of 2022 with Neal Caffrey from White Collar, felt like was about to happen but didn’t (Now we understand that Steven is either was a Fragment that turned into an Alter as he was figuring out his identity or he was an Alter but didn’t really identify with a particular look yet and was trying figure himself out, because this reminds me especially of high school, well I couldn’t control what I was saying when getting excited (but now with a British Dialect, which I Alice can not control, or feeling things for guys but at the same time not since young) and it happened with Isaac Kalder in high school and he was the first Alter that I Alice was able to see and similar things happens with him, rewatching The Devil Inside and My Virtual Escape from McJuggerNuggets on YouTube later after knowing DID/OSDD being like “Oh my, did not realize, how much Isaac was Passive Influencing us” Literally how he talked, walked, songs that he listened to how he handled his depression or when someone triggered him. In 2019 I Alice feel bad about this now, threw all of the clothes that he bought (except one), stopped listening to songs that he liked, stoped watching TDI and MVE (even though gave us comfort) because was like every time I look like him. I’m sad, I feel dysphoric, I want to look like him, to the point I Alice was forgetting what the body looked like and forgot the body’s biological gender or forget that Alice is a thing, depression, which caused him to go dormant until 2021 where I started to hear him from the inside but with his voice) (Sorry🙁). and also TDI is like an accidental representation of DID because I remember now rewatching (the first time I Alice do not have those memories just remember right before and after, when TDI was out but not MVE, just like Steven absorbed those feelings) TDI when the split happened because a lot of stressful thing happened at that time, being like well I can relate to Jesse because he switches with his characters that he has from his childhood and can’t control what’s happening.

And in December still not think I have OSDD-1b but thinking maybe I’m just really autistic so I don’t understand my emotions at all, “Is there any similarities between TDI/MVE and Moon Knight” and the amount of things that are similar was like “wtf”, and later rewatching Moon Knight and getting told why they related to Moon Knight other than the DID symptoms and well yeah. The amount of things in Moon Knight that tides into our childhood is actually astounding especially Steven, which make sense, when watching a movies, series your brain lights up the same way as if it were happening, (TW: my leading theory before I knew this was a thing was, the stuff that happened when younger that’s how we reacted, felt and those same brain frequencies were getting turned on:)

Difference and similarities

btw there are other Alters just talking about Isaac and Steven and well Alice/Ashla.

Isaac Kalder

Similarity: Identifies like 90% with his source

Difference: His age is 19 and the source he’s 18, I think it’s because I Alice always wanted an older brother and now the body is 19 so he’s like a month older, I always saw him as an older brother even before knowing about the System)

Steven

Similarity: Identifies with the look, name, dialect, how he carries himself, body cadence, just more romantic (finding these thing along the way being like why do you do that, I guess that’s a different thing from your source that’s cool and rewatching it being like oh that’s where that quality cam from)

Difference: He’s more like Episode 5 when Steven (MCU) is comforting Marc and now he’s more confident in himself, basically after Season 1. It’s like instead of (TW warning: the trauma that happened to Marc, Steven and Jake it’s replaced with what happened to us. also he’s a Subsystem (For us an Alter in a Alter) mostly because of flashback that happened fair recently and yeah, all those flashback kind of went to Steven and he kind of split with Llewyn Davis from Inside Llewelyn Davis, that was confusing when it was happening, now Steven is more bi they kind of passive influence each other sometimes but when triggered Steven kind of goes inside and Llewyn kind of comes out. DEPRESSION, Steven and Llewyn are kinda figure things with Isaac where if Llewyn feels more the same way which when the split happened Llewyn did absorb the liking guys thing more:) (our Steven is more Romantic I guess the feeling of love)

Alice/Ashla (Biological Female but doesn’t really identify with that mostly so I guess I’m Non-Binary, still figure things out, I do like woman though no question about that)

Love Star Wars and Moon Knight and Disney and McJuggerNuggets content. It’s rare for me to feel like Alice but when I do it feels weird, higher voice etc so kind of go by Ashla just like that name mostly because it’s a SW thing.

It make sense that we have a lot of fictives, Autism and because of it have hard time connecting with people and understand peoples actions and only able to relate, and understand fictional characters, or since younger only having emotional comfort from fictional characters, and love everything about film from filming it, acting, voice acting editing, sound design and want to do those things we want to do, we all like different aspects of the Film process

Consent forms:

Alice/Ashla: I agree to publish this

Steven/Llewyn: Yeah sure. We agree to this s***

Isaac: Okay

#did alter #osdd system #fictive #mr knight #introject #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #system things #insidellewyndavis #other specified dissociative disorder #did osdd #osdd 1b #dissociative identity disorder #system fictive #plural system #did #steven grant #steven grant of the gift shop #autism #autistic system #mcjuggernuggets #Isaac Kalder #dissociation #moonknight #Youtube

[theguardianace]

Hmmmmmm venting in the tags. No need to read if you don’t want to.

#tw dysphoria #btw #so i need to get some new shorts right cause mine are starting to wear out #which is sad because i love these shorts #I’ve had them for a few years now and they’re the only shorts I’ve ever likes #so I’m looking online for some shorts that are similar and i just. cannot find any its so sad #cause I’m looking through these and going #i can’t wear these #i don’t know if it’s a weird thing to be dysphoric about cause its not even the style or the colors? #i don’t mind wearing women’s clothing but shorts and some shirts are the exception #its like #this isnt me this is wrong #i mean i only realized it might (probably) be dysphoria recently #and partly my asexuality cause most shorts are way too short and they feel way too revealing #i just want my super androgynous shorts ok #and like I know I could technically get mens shorts but i just know my mom wouldn’t let me #actually wait i have to go to Meijer anyways to get other things for camp i wonder if i can find something ther #probably not but #i just want some androgynous shorts please it’s all i need ok I can’t wear traditional women’s athletic shorts i will cry if that happens #fun fact did you know i exclusively wore skirts and dresses when i was younger #why can’t it be that easy anymore #i like skirts and all but only long ones with leggings underneath and only for formal wear #give me the shorts that go to my knees! that makes me happy! #it also doesn’t help that all these pictures online are of peoples butts like that totally doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anything /s #and apparently there are no shorts that don’t have little cuts in the side?? what’s up with that #I might delete this later depending on if i find shorts or not

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, neogenders and all that stuff aren’t really my cup of tea and personally feel excessive to be creating unique labels with specific definitions and all that, but I also really don’t care cause its not my business about what makes people comfortable and happy. It’s not MY cup of tea, but if others like it and find happiness in it, cool glad they have that.

Plus? I honestly get it. Weird genders and stuff like that, I really get it. I don’t really want to use any neopronouns as it’s just too hard for me to wrap my head around for myself, and I’m very very very happy with they/them - but honestly my gender is very very very much best described as “male bird” which is a tangent I could go on for hours about how that doesn’t really fit anywhere, but it is the only way of describing my gender that felt right and made sense.

With that being said, outside of me using the phrase as a meme and occasionally a descriptor to close friends, I really wouldn’t regularly use that as my gender cause I don’t really feel the need for everyone to know my EXACT feelings and way of experiencing gender beyond that I’m nonbinary and I guess (let me have some egg time I’m still processing it okay) somewhat transmasculine.

But with that in mind, with how nice and comfortable it is to have a quick phrase to explain to myself the general energy and vibe to what my nonbinary gender is, I TOTALLY get it. Being hard nonbinary in the sense that it is really really really hard for me to pinpoint my gender in relation to the binary like, at all is a really confusing pain to be in because even I don’t know what I want to be like and what I need to do to make myself less dysphoric / more euphoric. A lot of it is guessing and seeing the results and I’ve gotten pretty used to that, but ever since starting the (original joke) of my gender being male bird, its really helped in internally navigating it and having this general vibe of how to be my best self

So if someone experiences a similar situation with say, stars, bunnies, light bulbs, whatever and want to call themselves stargender, bunnygender, lightbulbgender, or whatever cause that helps them understand themselves and makes them happy, honestly I can’t knock it.

I’d be annoyed as shit if people told me I couldn’t think of my gender in terms of being a male bird, or that I couldn’t joke bout it to my friends because its 1) none of their business and 2) it helps me a lot so its none of their fucking business.

Anyways, this is just a shout out to people with weird genders and weird gender labels. I don’t fully get it and its not my cup of tea, but I get the vibe and support yall to the best that I can understand.

With that being said, I don’t understand nor care for what the whole mogai discourse is about so I’m not gonna label myself pro or anti mogai or anything like that since I don’t know what the fuck is going on over there and I am not really wanting to ask. Personally I think LGBTQIA people would benefit from not arguing with each other about things that likely really don’t matter as much as people put energy into them. 

-Riku (Host, male bird)

#alter: riku #neogender #neopronouns #mogai

[kcatta-wodahs]

Trans, Enby, or anything not Cis MC + OM Demon Bros!

TLDR; they all fuckin love you okay you’re wonderful

Lucifer

It happens right away honestly, as he is your introduction to Devildom 

You arrive suddenly in the student council, with no fucking warning, and with a bunch of people who are saying they’re demons. And like yeah okay sorcery obviously exists in your world so we can work with this but

He looks at a file, and states your deadname, and in a fit of bravery or just “i guess im here now” you correct him. 

The silence after that is palpable and every negative emotion you’re feeling as you wait shows up on your face. 

Lucifer only has a slight frown, looking at the paper, and at you, before it clears.

“Oh. Humans. I understand.” He marks something on the paper, and repeats your name. Your real name.

“Should I assume that the pronouns listed are incorrect as well?”

He calls for a RAD uniform that you’re most comfortable with, while Diavolo gushes over “HUMAN!!!”

Okay, cool, you’re hanging with demons now but at least they respect your pronouns? Guess this is your life. Your next question is whether you’re dead lol

So he knows the whole time, but it doesn’t change a thing! He loves you the same.

When you’re closer, he is very to-the-point about caring for you when you’re feeling dysphoric.

He offers you tips, makes sure you maintain your voice training even if you’re embarrassed about it, and always pushes you to express yourself how you want.

Hell maybe they use that princely riches to get you whatever surgeries you might want!

And he will *very clearly* show you how much he likes your body, however it is. 

After all, by the end of the game you belong to him, don’t you?

Mammon

When he's first assigned to be your guardian or whatever in Devildom, he didn't get the memo. 

Didn't read the paperwork, cause he's just like me and puts off homework for way too long.

So he doesn't know these pronouns of yours that Lucifer has fixed in the documentation.

Which means, unfortunately, you have to correct him when he first speaks to Levi about you.

What's funny about it is that he'll complain about LITERALLY EVERYTHING having to do with you and you being a human and UGH he has to take care of a FRAGILE HUMAN

But when you correct the pronouns he doesn't even fucking blink.

You don't even explain.

You just say the correct pronoun after he messes up, and then he repeats you and *continues complaining about you* but this time in the correct pronouns.

This is the first moment out of a million of "hidden endearing things about Mammon" that you will come to learn.

Later, when you're closer, he will always be there to stand up for you and put up a fight if anyone wants to give you shit.

He will defend you to the end of time. 

And he adores you. If he -- The Great Mammon -- adores you, then you must be perfect. So you can tell your stupid human brain to stuff it with the negative talk.

Leviathan

This one is written as AFAB

When you deny wearing the Ruri-chan dress for him, he's sad.

He KNEW you thought he was weird… and his thing for Ruri-chan was weird… and weirddmmm

So, you hesitantly tell him that… no, truly its not because of Ruri-chan

You just.. feel so sick when wearing dresses.

Something in you physically hurts, and you feel so *wrong* when in a situation where you're supposed to act "girly".

And you tell him that you don't really identify as female. You try to avoid that image whenever you can.

Levi is so touched that you would tell him and be honest with him.

He hugs you tightly and then turns beet red.

"D-Does that mean that you m-might.. kabedon… as Henry….?"

Cause he has that costume too and has never told anyone that he def would be seduced by his TSL hero.

You can get behind that one, and seeing how flustered he gets around you being yourself (through Henry?) has your confidence skyrocketing

This makes way to you flirting with ya boi 100% more often to see his adorable face.

Beelzebub

You go with him to work out, which is nothing really new, but this time he's looking at doing endurance training

...by swimming.

You have no idea what to do. 

He didn't think twice about it, either. He didn't assume there would be any problem at all. 

But for some reason your brain decided that his helpful and loving attitude wouldn't extend to this? Brains are silly when scared.

You try not to tear up when he questions why you've frozen in the doorway when he told you his plan.

You have no reason to be ashamed, or fearful, but the suddenness of the moment overwhelms you.

"I can't wear a swimsuit," is what comes out.

He pauses and then just looked vastly confused. He thought humans could swim..? Anyone could wear a swimsuit. You were wearing clothes right? What's the difference?

You wrap your arms around yourself, tryiing to soothe your nerves. "It's.. It shows too much.."

Then he looks you over, causing you to blush further, and he tips his head. "But you look nice."

Well if you weren't blushing before, now you definitely were. But it's not that. You hold your breath.

You try to explain without actually saying it, almost as if the word transgender has been blocked from your internal vocabulary. 

But this babe just insists that you look great no matter what. Is it scars? Like everyone here has scars, it's okay. Weird toes? You should see Belphie's. There's a reason he wears socks all the time. 

That almost makes you giggle, and you use that courage to say that you're trans.

He pauses for just a seond to blink. "Oh... nobody cares about that here."

He pulls you into a hug while you struggle for words. He tells you that you don't have to go swimming if you don't want to.

But he makes sure you know that he thinks you're wonderful. You're strong and brave and amazing. He will fight anyone who makes you feel differently. 

Asmodeus

This one is AMAB

It’s seeing Asmo be unequivocally himself that gives you the courage to do it.

You haven’t even told your human friends yet. Your human family.

You’ve known for ages, but..

Seeing Asmo flounce over to you wearing the most STUNNING evening dress has you weak at the knees, for reasons other than he assumes.

He assumes that you’re wildly in love as you duck your head and try to mumble something through your shaking breaths, and of course, who wouldn’t be?

But when he coaxes you to speak up for him, delight of a whole different kind lights up in his expression.

“Could you… make me as pretty as you?”

Oh, darling, he wouldn’t even need to try.

He dolls you up, hosting a lovely makeover session in his room. What he doesn’t expect is for you to start crying when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Asmo’s unshakeable confidence is shaken. He rushes over to you, trying to brush away tears and learning what’s wrong.

That’s when you tell him what you’d been hiding for so long.

The adoration in his eyes catches you off guard, and he takes your hands lovingly. “Oh, honey..” he mumbles, affectionate and sweet instead of seductive. “What’s your name?”

He takes you out shopping the next day, and is always ready to help you be yourself. 

He makes the switch almost instantly, and calls you the prettiest thing he’s ever seen even when you’re just waking up in the morning and kind of feel like a toad. 

(You blame him for those mornings, though, since he’s the one working so hard to *thoroughly* exhaust you the night before.)

Satan

This one is AFAB

You and Satan have begun meeting rather often for tea. 

It’s even gotten to the point where you’re both perfectly happy to sit in silence around each other. You’ve never been more comfortable.

But today, chaos reigns, and it has decided to make you clumsy today. Not even like, oh “that’s reasonable” clumsy.

No, you were enthralled in your fucking book, and you MISSED. 

Tea, all down your chin and neck, and you hear a snort of derision.

Satan is looking at you, very clearly amused. “Very graceful.”

You huff and puff out your cheeks at him to prevent from blushing. “Shut up. Do you have a towel?”

Looking no less amused, he just pulls a new shirt from the dresser behind him and offers it to you. 

You guys are chill. Good friends. Like. You don’t want to get up to go find a bathroom to change in. Your book is good and like Satan’s not about to be a creep, so you ask if it’s cool if you just change there, and he shrugs in response.

So, you swap shirts quickly, but when you’re dry he’s looking at you curiously.

“You have battle scars.”

You realize that you’d never told him. About your past, or your surgery, and you suddenly feel very self-conscious. 

“It’s- .. Not exactly,” you fumble out, realizing that now, instead of finishing your amazing book, you have to deal with *coming out?* Ughhhhhh. “They’re from a surgery.”

Satan’s eyes don’t leave you. “I’ve read enough about the human world to know what they are,” he said, then he nods to himself. “I didn’t know you’d had such a fight.”

You are either very, very impressed or very, very confused and you really don’t know which to lean towards just yet. 

“I’ve never been in a battle, Satan.”

“You fought to become yourself,” he answered, a small smile tracing his lips. “You never cease to impress me.”

Belphegor

The best part about becoming best friends with Belphie is the snuggle naps. It's the sweetest, calmest thing.

He is a little confused about why you insist on hugging a pillow when you nap with him, though.

He admits, its adorable. When he's big spoon he loves looking at you as you snuggle the big fluffy pillow. 

When he wants to face you, though, he wants to be closer, he doesn't really understand it. He doesn't want to make you uncomfortable but also.. why?

Eventually, he tries to get answers out of you by teasing you about getting closer *intimately*. 

He does expect the blush.

He doesn't expect the look of despair that you hide from him.

He's stunned for a moment before demanding to know why the hell you would look so sad about that.

You try to shake it off, but Belphie's nothing if not persistent and annoying when he wants to be.

He learns that you have been trying really hard for months now to hide your body from him. To keep your personal info private, even while snuggling. 

You didn't know how he would take it, after all. 

What if he got something he wasn't expecting?

Honestly, Belphie sulks after hearing this. He flicks your forehead and glares at you for doubting him. 

But he looks you dead in the eyes and reminds you that you could never convince him you were anything less than perfect.

If you expected him to be disappointed by whatever you hid during snuggles, he would never be. You would never be a disappointment to him.

Your next nap together doesn't feature the pillow between you, which makes your heart feel fit to burst while he snuggles you closer. 

#hhhhh i posted this to the wrong blog at firsttttt #it took me fucking forever to finish this agh #it was so hard to come up with prompts that were unique and fun while not embarassing in any way #or well #not like bad bad embarassing? #i headcanon that all of them are some form of gender fluid or nonbinary anyway so like the demon bros just love you okay #bast babbles #my writing #obey me headcanons #obey me #obey me! #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me belphegor

[valefars-ghoul-outback]

My LOS headcannons

Colored Pencils, Jean-Pierre

In a QPR with Rubber Band

He was the one who decided to have the Earth Vellumental raise the Overlook Tower. The plan? "Ok, I am your average bigender taking my giant folded turtle dog on a walk. Yep. Totally not sus."

Has ADHD and needs to be reminded at times to take a break from drawing and eat something/sleep

The reticle eye? He can't see shit out of it.

Fluent in French and will be insulted if you make fun of it being too hard.

French is his second language.

Eats lots of weird shit that could possibly kill him if he were a human.

Has photocopied his art just to eat it before.

Ate a ton of crayons when he was little and now talks in them. Oh no.

Also has rainbow teeth, but that wasn't from the crayon incident

Likes teasing Tape about their height because what're they gonna do? Punch him in the face? Yes actually. On several occasions, but it's still funny because they had to get a chair for a few of those times.

Scissors is his older sister

Trans-femme, but it rarely comes up because, again, bigender.

Very eager to show off art. If you so much as mention wanting to see it he lights up.

Has a tooth gap and is pretty self conscious about it.

Mainly goes by Jean

Rubber band, Ruby

QPR with Jean

Has a giant hole in its torso. Jean's the only one who's seen it.

Its body is actually made of the electric paint from Sunshine. It has to be careful dolling out hugs.

Has been able to do that twirl clothes change thing on several occasions. Its secret has yet to be revealed...

Big cuddle bug. Body is perfect for hugs when covered.

May or may not have a hand in its brother, Hole Punch, looking halfway decent on occasion.

Can't walk in heels for shit. Concerned that Punch can wear 2 inch platformer heeled boots and wide bottomed jeans.

Your average nonbinary drama student. Lord help us.

Actually doesn't like performing alone. It always has a bit of stage fright, but have at least one other person on stage and it's fine.

Probably doesn't know that gender exists TBH

Can freeze if it gets too cold. It also hates the cold.

Hole Punch, P-Punch

I wasn't creative when choosing xeir name, I know.

The dude at the party that just sits in the least populated room and pets the dog.

Dating Tape, surprisingly.

Honestly hella shy. Xey got that social anxiety. Only really comfortable around the rest of the LoS. Anyone else and xey become really defensive and standoffish.

Punched xeir own face out when xey were twelve. Because xey did it to xemself, nothing changed other than xem becoming very self conscious and getting an LED mask.

Tape is the only one whose not related to xem who has seen xeir missing face. Advice: Keep the mask on.

X3y l1t3r4lly t4lk l1k3 th15.

You don't hear it that way, it sounds like they talk normally, albeit autotuned, but you just know. It can cause migraines if left unchecked whuch sucks because Autism and infodumping.

Mainly uses xeir tail to punch out objects thicker than xeir claws can handle, and faces.

If you have your face punched out by xem, you might as well be dead. Xey have full control over your body like a puppeteer and if xey aren't in the same room as you, you basically become a disco zombie.

The best way to avoid this fate? Keep xem in a good mood, don't make direct eye contact, and if you see what's under the mask without xem noticing don't say anything about it.

Has an exoskeleton about the consistency of rubber mixed with plastic bottles. Xeir back had a fuck ton of scars on it, but when it got ripped off Scissors gave xem a 'transplant'. It still hurts to touch.

Tape, Frankie

Gangster with a big soft spot.

Dating Punch.

The shortest LOS member that is not a dog and constantly gets teased about it.

When they do cut their hair they do it with a knife. Not to be tough or anything, it just turns into adhesive the second it's not attached to their body and it's easier to clean off a knife than a pair of scissors

Their arms are tape prosthetic at the elbow down to their hand and can be torn off. It hurts like hell, but at least their hands are disembodied.

The prosthetics naturally grow back.

Their tougue is also tape. Their mouth is just a weird tape dispenser that's constantly full

Has probably said, "Ey! I'm transin' my gender 'ere!" At some point.

Can extend the fucking pompadour like an extra stretchy limb and grab things with it. They don't do this often but it has happened.

Only wears a shirt under the jacket if it's really cold out. Otherwise, there's no shirt because it make them dysphoric and the transitioning scars are on full display

Yes I am implying they had sniddies at one point. Shut up.

Likes the look of smoking, but can't stand cigarette smoke or the taste of candy sticks. They constantly have a bag of suckers on them at all times.

Their teeth have always been made of metal. Literal. Fucking. Metal. And they're fucking sharp too.

Mechanic

Scissors, Eddie

Romance Repulsed Aro/Ace

Is a surgeon, and sometimes makes highly unethical experiments because she can. She sewed a eye into a hand and sewed that onto an anaconda and called it her pet.

Her blades are her arms. Her sheathes are also working arms with hands attached.

Eats bugs.

*looks at a literal cryptid* "I'm adopting that."

The tallest of the LOS. She can launch Frankie across the room.

Got the scar on her eye from messing with her blades when she was younger and putting way it too close to her face.

How this happened is up for interpretation as both she and Jean-Pierre are robots

Would probably put a kid in a blender if her moral code wasn't stopping her.

Major Overbite.

Favorite song is ironically The Dismemberment Song. Everyone is concerned about this.

Calls herself Eddie Von Scissorfingers because even her sheathed hands are sharp. She has murder on the mind 24/7 and she wants you to know that.

Really susceptible to frostbite.

Most definitely has those sarcastic coffee mugs and constantly drinks out of them.

Stapler

Sevice dog! Because whoever said that a literal child can run a kingdom without stress is a damn liar.

Very aloof.

Probably a German Shepard/Great Dane Mix.

That's it.

#legion of stationery #colored pencils #Jean-Pierre #Rubber band #Ruby #Hole Punch #Punch #Tape #Frankie #Scissors #Eddie #Stapler #paper mario origami king

[odaatlover]

I wasn’t trying to offend. I just think if it’s something you have then find the positive in it. Lots of people don’t like their body parts but they learn to find them beautiful. Learn to love it to make it easier to live with. I know you said you don’t like penetration but if you try it more you could end up liking it. Its made to feel good so it should. Lots of trans men use their vagina it’s not just a woman thing. You can be a man and still have a vagina and like it.

*sigh* Okay where do I even start with this 😔 Lots of people dislike their body parts, yes. But that’s not at all the same thing as having the wrong body part. Hating that your nose is too big is not the same as me hating my vagina. A better comparison would be if you had dog paws instead of human hands, because it’s not just that you have weird looking hands, but rather that shit is straight up not supposed to be there. Would you get surgery and change those dog paws for hands if you could? Or would you just learn to love them? That’s probably not the best analogy, but it was the best I could think of at the moment.

The solution isn’t that I need to learn to love having a vagina, it’s that I need it gone. Saying that I need to learn to love it is essentially saying I need to learn to not have dysphoria, and ultimately that I need to learn to not be transgender. And it just doesn’t work like that. You can’t just change your way of thinking and magically not be dysphoric anymore — trust me, we’ve all tried that. Doesn’t work. I can’t change my brain to match my body, so instead I have to change my body to match my brain. And my brain says I shouldn’t have that specific body part, therefore the plan is to get rid of it.

Now for the part pertaining to penetration. A lot of enjoying sex is mental. Actually, most of it is. In fact, I would go as far as to say probably around 95% of it is mental, maybe more. Basically, if your brain isn’t into it, no matter what’s happening to you, you’re not going to enjoy it. But you don’t need to be trans to know that. Sure, penetration is designed to feel good, but that’s only if the person being penetrated is mentally enjoying it. And saying “it’s made to feel good so it should” sounds kind of like the argument an uneducated cis man would make for why he’s convinced putting a tampon in is sexually arousing. Which we all know, it’s not. Penetration isn’t something that I like, and I will never like it. My brain says I shouldn’t have a vagina and that I should have a penis, and the only way I can feel any sort of connection to that part of my body is if I think about having a penis. It’s always been that way, even before I knew what dysphoria was or that I was trans. Literally from the moment I became a sexual being I could only turn those parts on by imagining I had a penis. My vagina isn’t something that causes me pleasure, only pain. And no matter how much I “try to like it” it will never feel good. Ever.

I know there are lots of trans guys who use it and really enjoy it. That’s fine. Being penetrated doesn’t make you a woman or a bottom or whatever. You can like it and be anything you want. I, personally, do not like it. It’s not because I think only women have vaginas and it makes me feel like less of a man, but because it makes me feel less like me.

I know my body, and I know my connection with it. I know it better than anyone else on this planet, including you. And I’m telling you, I will never like it, and I want it gone. And that’s not an attack on anyone with a vagina who likes having one and enjoys using it. Me saying I don’t want a vagina is not me saying everyone who has a vagina got the short end of the stick and penises are superior. Vaginas are cool. Trust me, I love vaginas. But I don’t love having one. The end.

#asks #I’ve never said vagina this much in my life

[radicallyreidentified]

Hi :D

I'm someone who still questions their gender not necessarily because I have body dysphoria (its almost all gone now) but because I feel as though I can't relate to the female experience and mentally I don't share the same concerns about my femaleness as other women do despite being one. I always feel as though I have to perform female traits with female friends to fit in but I'm very aware of it and I just feel uncomfortable and weird. I can't bring myself to empathize fully with women's experiences because I feel so disconnected from them myself.

I wish there was more research on this phenomena but all I come across are trans ressources and in my mind I don't believe that hormones or surgery will change or improve the way I feel it will just assimilate my body to have people interact with it in a more intuitive ways that suit my mind than if I were to remain in my female form. I was raised gender neutral/ like a boy and always emulated males behaviors from a young age. It just feel as though in my formative years, I was raised as a boy which is so atypical to the norm but starting masking after late puberty to socially fit in. idk if it's what's causing this internal confusion.

Sometimes I feel coerced to have to transition despite knowing full well the implication just to have a body that matches my mental and navigate more fluidly on a social level. The down side of this is that it's biologically deceptive and I'm not hypocritical enough to dismiss sexual orientations just because I mentally feel diff., it's also super intrusive and strenuous on the body and mind (transitioning) and realistically it will be a lot harder to get sex specific ressources because obv. genetics and chromosomes matter a lot with the effectiveness of drugs and treatments... It's just scary and I don't want to have to transition because I'll be treated as a guinea pig by docs, I'm sure.

I'm a big sceptic of a genuine trans 'science' because there is nothing biological that they found to prove without a doubt that it's well, innate ig. There are also no ressources that point towards it being a mental illness or neurological because, again, there are no hard facts and reliable surveys.

It makes me feel alone and scared because on the one hand I love women and by definition am female, so lesbian but mentally I feel as though I couldn't be anymore different from a typical woman.

I know this is a lot to ask but am I normal, lol.

Do you have any advice or ressources/communities of super gender non-conforming females or just detransition groups?

How did you deal with your detransition?

Thank you !

First off thank you so much for this anon because you are not alone and YES you are normal.

One thing I’d like to question is, what do you consider “female” traits? Like being “docile” liking “makeup”. The only female trait that exists is that you’re a human female and doctors said you are female born.

You were socialized female. you were still raised by others in your society not just your parents so there’s a good chance you experienced sexism as well. And also I don’t know your sexuality but if you’re not straight that could also play a role in how you feel about womanhood. I don’t know a single butch lesbian that’s felt like “a woman” they just ARE women. (I think you said lesbian but I want to make sure jic)

My advice is to interact with other gnc women. You may have accidentally surrounded yourself with a couple types of women that you may not relate to and when society tells you that’s what womanhood is, than of course you’ll feel like a black sheep. Definitely reach out to other women like you and I promise you ARE NOT alone.

I run a discord for dysphoric females. Message me privately for it if you’d like and if anyone has other resources for anon PLEASE leave a message here :)

[roadtohappy]

Why I detransitioned

I mentioned it briefly in response to someone else’s post, but I believe this subject deserves a post of its own. It included the statement: “I detransitioned because my identity changed, and I don’t regret my transition”, to which I expressed how much it resonated with me - and here’s why.

I was, I am, and I always will be transgender. As a young girl, I developed gender dysphoria. To anyone who’s unfamiliar with what that means, gender dysphoria is a term used to describe the emotional pain and distress a person experiences when their biological sex and their self-perceived gender do not match - a body/brain incongruence, if you will.

When I came out of the closet and told my family and peers that I identified as male, I had already spent a considerable amount of time contemplating my situation. I questioned myself constantly, and doubted every answer. I did this prior to, and after coming out, and even during my social and medical transition. Not because I was unsure of myself, but because I needed to know if there was any chance that my gender dysphoria could’ve been caused by something other than simply being transgender. It was important for me to unveil and deal with any underlying issues that could’ve been linked to my gender-identity, because it’s better to find out early on and stop before you find yourself overwhelmed with regret later in life if it turns out that you were actually mistaken. I asked myself the same questions constantly; “Am I being influenced by my peers? Media? Online communities?” “Is my brain using this as a defense mechanism to mask childhood trauma?” “Am I using my trans identity to escape from my past/present problems?” “Do I have any undiagnosed psychiatric or medical conditions that could alter how I perceive myself?” “Can I learn to cope with my gender dysphoria without transitioning?” “Am I trying to mend the absence of my father and lack of male role models by becoming male myself?” “Do I have any unhealthy ideas of what it means to be a woman?” “Do I have enough strong female role models in my life?” “Am I simply not ready to become a woman yet? if so, why?”

-These are all questions you should never ever be afraid to ask yourself, no matter where you are in your transition - whether you’re in the closet or out. Early, mid or late-transition; it is never a bad time to discover yourself and make the best choices for yourself, wherever they may lead you. This is not at all meant to discourage anyone from transitioning, but rather inspire people to ask them self the right questions.

As I mentioned in my introduction-post; I started living as a boy at 15, meaning I wore boy’s clothes, and went by a male name and male pronouns. I started taking male hormones when I was 18. If you’re unfamiliar with what hormone therapy does for trans people, it essentially means that you’re taking hormones regularly to induce a second puberty in order to bring on characteristics of your identified gender. I’m now 21 years old and I had chest-masculinization surgery 8 months ago. I never wanted to go any further than hormones and top-surgery, as my dysphoria mainly revolved around my feminine voice and other minor characteristics, and my breasts. The further I progressed into my transition, my gender dysphoria decreased, as you’d expect. After having my top-surgery, I also no longer feel dysphoric about my chest. To my surprise, I now feel completely comfortable with my natural body, including my femininity.

Early 2020 when the lockdown started, I began to spend more time alone by myself, going on long nature walks and exploring my thoughts through art and creative activities as a way to “unlearn” some of the unhealthy masking-behaviors I’ve taught myself over the years, in order to fit in better among other people. (Very common coping mechanism in autistic people, apparently.) As I began this process of “un-masking” I made it my top-priority to stop caring so much about what other people think of me or how other people expect me to look, talk and act. My new mindset became something along the lines of “Okay, the way my brain is built means that I experience the world and process information differently from other people, which also means that my actions and feelings are based on a different set of experiences than other people. I will no longer measure my worth by my ability to blend in and be ‘normal’, and I will no longer apologize for being different.” And so began a whole new level of self-exploration. I played around with some of my old make-up, I started taking up fun activities that most people would deem feminine - and it didn’t make me feel dysphoric at all. In fact, I liked it. I was unapologetically leaning into my feminine side and it felt good, it felt right, it felt safe - an experience I was never able to have before I transitioned.

When the semester came to an end a few weeks ago, I found myself in a weird position. I now have two completely empty months ahead of me, I truly detest big changes like that. A solid everyday schedule sort of functions as a mental “anchor” for me. Because no matter what happens in my life, I know one thing for certain; I will go to sleep tonight, wake up in the morning, do my morning routine and get ready, get the bus at exactly 7:41AM and arrive at school 10-15 minutes later depending on the traffic. I then attend class and adhere to the school’s timetables for the next 6 hours. I get the bus home and change into my uniform, work for 5 hours, go home and do my homework, make dinner, do something fun or watch youtube, go to bed - and the cycle continues. These little “anchors” make me feel secure and grounded, they help me cope with a world that can feel chaotic and overwhelming at times. 

So last day of school arrives and I’m like “shit, what now?? One day I’m at school and suddenly there’s just *nothing* for two months?? Not only that, but I’ve just discovered that there’s a whole new side of me that I’m now free to explore since my gender dysphoria decided to evaporate into thin air.” Everything around me was changing, even myself - and that’s the moment when I decided that maybe it was time to give Testosterone a break. Whether temporary or permanently, doesn’t matter. It’s not like my body is going anywhere and I can always just resume hormone therapy again if I want to. But for now, it was time to just take a break, let go of everything and truly get to know myself. My transition is complete, and I am ready to continue this journey in a new direction. It’s been a month now, and I’m happy to say I’ve had a lot of fun just enjoying the time off and being my authentic self. I haven’t really told anyone I’m detransitioning. I’m just kinda doing my own thing, and if people want to run along with it and refer to be as female at some point then that’s their choice, I don’t really care to be honest. Name-wise, I might just jokingly suggest “Jane” when people ask, since it’s so similar to “Jake”.  I get weird looks from people when I’m out in public, because I’m starting to pass as female again, but my voice is unmistakably masculine - I like my voice though, so I don’t care what they think. If people ask why my voice is so deep, I just tell them the truth: “I am a woman, but my body was testosterone-dominant for 3 years, hence the voice.” Simple as, lol. Not only that, but I am a whole, grown ass adult, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

On the topic of irreversible changes, there is one important thing that I cannot stress enough; My decision to detransition does not come from a place of regret, I have loved and cherished every step of this process. I’ve heard a lot of people say this about detransitioners but I don’t have “reverse-dysphoria”, why would I?  Man or woman, I love myself and my body regardless. I absolutely needed to transition from female to male in order to be happy, I could not have attained this level of happiness otherwise. I would not have been able to accept or even come to terms with my femininity if I hadn’t transitioned. I’m still on the same journey as before, I simply took a new path.

Anyway, I best end this wall of text because it’s 3:00AM and I’m going on a 9km hike with a friend in the morning, I can’t waiiiitttt!

#detransition #detrans #detrans woman #ftmtf #autism #aspergers

[butterflyinthewell]

To autistic people who are starting to menstruate...

Okay I’m gonna go all auntie Cyndi on all my younger autistic followers who are new to having periods. I’ve been having my periods for over 20 years now, so I’m experienced in this.

First off, you may have your first period and not have another one for a few months. Your periods may start and happen like clockwork. Your periods may always be irregular.

It’s normal for your ovulation and menstruation to shift throughout the year just like the seasons shift the sun’s position in the sky.

On average, your period comes about two weeks after you ovulate. I’ve pinned mine down enough to know I bleed exactly 19 days after I ovulate, so I can look at a calendar and figure out within a four day margin of when to expect my period. Note that I said on average, some people may have a shorter or longer menstrual cycle.

You’ll know you’re ovulating when you produce a lot of mucus from your vagina that looks and feels like raw egg white. It’s clear, a little more viscous than your spit, it’s very slippery and it will drip out in long strings. I produce a lot, another person may not produce much. If you notice you’re really slimy down there when you’re wiping after you pee, and the toilet paper comes away with stringy slimy stuff on it, take note of the date you saw that and note the date again when get your period. Keep taking notes and a pattern may emerge. That’s your menstrual cycle.

NOTE: If you have unprotected sex during this time, you have a strong chance of getting pregnant. Sperm can swim a long way and survive a long time in the Fallopian tubes, waiting for an egg to come down. Always assume you can get pregnant between the time of finishing a period and starting the next one.

(And I hope this second one never happens to you, but...)

If you were raped during this time, and if they ejaculated inside you or on your vulva, you may get pregnant.

Always practice safe sex and use birth control if you want to avoid pregnancy, and if you were raped you need to assume they got you pregnant and get help to deal with it ASAP.

Now, lemme tell you a little about periods and autism going together.

PMS and your period can really mess with your sensory issues, your meltdown / shutdown threshold, your tolerance for socializing and your ability to control emotions.

You might have brain fog and just feel yucky and groggy.

You might find you want to sleep more or can’t sleep at all.

You might wake up with your armpits sweating heavily.

You may notice you start sweating with less exertion, or you walk into a warm room and swear you’re standing on the sun.

On the flipside, you may feel colder than usual, so walking into a cooler place will feel like walking into Antarctica.

Your skin may get more oily and that may mean greasier hair and more pimples. I know that feels unfair if you already have a lot of acne and problems with hygiene. If your hair length permits washing your hair in a sink, you can do that if a shower is too much. Try to wash your face gently with a wet washcloth when you wake up and before going to bed. Make sure to remove all your makeup before retiring to sleep if you wear any, because it will clog your pores even more if you don’t.

Your body odor may intensify, so keep baby wipes and deodorant / antiperspirant around if showering is hard. Hand sanitizer wiped on your pits can help in a situation where you realize you reek and can’t wash off, but only use that in emergencies.

You may experience some constipation and gas. That’s progesterone’s fault, sometimes it slows down your colon.

You may go from constipated to having huge, greasy poops or even some diarrhea. That’s your hormones shifting. Sometimes a period is a natural laxative because your intestines move a little faster thanks to the hormones that make your uterus contract (prostaglandins) to push out the endometrium. So if you have issues with fecal incontinence, you may have to deal with extra odors and messes when you change your incontinence protection.

Once your period starts, you’ll probably have to pee a lot more often. This is your body getting rid of the water it retained. If you deal with urinary incontinence, this might mean you need to change your incontinence protection more often to avoid infections, skin breakdown and odors.

Btw, you can dehydrate a little as your body sheds the excess water, so make sure to stay hydrated. I take three small sips or one big gulp from my water bottle after I use the bathroom during my period. It’s a helpful routine.

You may have food cravings and appetite changes. You may feel always hungry or not want to eat much or at all. Your desire to samefood might increase. (Mine is currently the cheese pizza flavored Cheez-Its.) Increased hunger is your body getting ready to lose nutrients through your menstrual flow. If you don’t feel your hunger signals, notice if you feel irritable or weak more often, it may mean you need to eat.

Your boobs may get a little bigger and get achy-feeling, so much that you can’t stand a bra or binder. You may get achy feelings in your joints or muscles. It’s likely water retention.

You may put on some weight. This is also water retention. You may find you always gain around the same about of weight each time you’re close to your period.

You may be really impulsive or take risks you wouldn’t usually take, sometimes to the point of recklessness.

You may feel restless like you want to climb out of your skin. Your frustration threshold might plummet to nothing, so everything is aggravating.

If you have self injurious meltdowns, you may have more SIB than usual. You might also notice an increased need to stim, and sometimes stimming doesn’t help you feel better or calm down.

If you’re physically able, try to do something that makes you exert yourself, like jogging, moving heavy things or some other kind of vigorous exercise. Even dance is good if that’s what you enjoy. Think of it as venting excess energy so it’s not stuck in your chest.

If you’re not physically able to exert yourself, try snuggling under a weighted blanket and pressure stimming. Think of it as drawing excess energy to where you’re putting pressure so it’s not stuck in your chest.

You may have mood swings and default to a certain mood so much that you feel stuck in it.

If you’re prone to migraines, you’re more likely to have one when you’re premenstrual.

All of this can be scary if you’re still new to having periods.

See a doctor if your bad feelings are so bad that you get super depressed and have suicidal thoughts two or more periods in a row, It could be PMDD, which is the nasty older sister of PMS.

PMDD is premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or a very extreme version of PMS.

It’s kinda normal for PMS symptoms to vary in intensity from month to month, but if you find yourself consistently in a very bad mental state before your period, you may need extra help to handle it.

Once your flow starts, you might have bursts of feeling REALLY good or affectionate: that’s because of oxytocin and maybe some serotonin, enjoy it.

Your flow may be fairly light, get heavy and then lighten again. You may start with a lot of gushes and then it lightens up until it stops. If you normally have a light flow and suddenly it turns heavy with an increase in cramping, there may be a problem that needs a doctor to check out. If your heavy flow gets even heavier, to the point that you’re soaking through the thickest pads, there may be a problem. Don’t let them blow you off, be firm. “I don’t normally bleed this much or have this much cramping, something is up.”

Things like stress, weight gain or weight loss can affect your period. Being sick can sometimes throw it off. Periods are fickle, annoying and weird things. Keep track of them, take note of the color and amount of your flow and get to know it. Knowing your body at its baseline will help you recognize it later if something goes wrong. It may take your cycles time to find their “normal” as your body figures out how to handle having periods.

It never hurts to always have a pad, tampon, menstrual cup or whatever you use to catch your flow. Keep it in your backpack, purse, pocket, etc.. If you prefer pads, it’s always a good idea to put one in your underwear if you’re expecting your period and you go out somewhere. That way it won’t be a huge emergency if your flow starts. Putting one in when you go to sleep at the time you expect your period flow can also help you sleep easy and not worry about making a mess in your bed.

(I personally prefer thick pads, so it feels like I won’t leak, but I know that may be a sensory yuck for someone else. Try different things till you find what works.)

Those little gushes you feel occasionally are normal. Yeah, sometimes you will feel your period goop coming out. Some advice: when you’re using the toilet, push a bit and then do a kegel, which is squeezing the muscles in your vagina that stop your pee from flowing— you might push a lot of period stuff out. It’ll help you not have to change your pad as often.

I’m cis, so I can’t speak on how taking testosterone will affect periods. I will leave this open for an autistic person who is taking T to add to this if they want. 👍🏻

Now that I said all that, it’s possible you may have zero premenstrual issues and your period won’t cause you much trouble at all. Every uterus-owning body is different. People already dealing with depression or other mood disorders may have more trouble during their period, or their period may even boost their mood for a short time. As I said, everyone is different.

❤️ Take care! ❤️

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #asd #tw rape #tw pregnancy #tw menstruation #tw suicide mention #food mention

[werevulvi]

At this point I feel like I'm just floating between two identities. Like what does it really matter what I decide to call myself? Says the desperate and jaded. I feel like I need to juggle my two different perspectives for a while. I will mostly use tumblr for it when I lean more gender critical, and probably use fb instead when I lean more towards trans thinking, until I figure this shit out for sure. Thus, I will keep being a dysphoric woman here on tumblr, and nonbinary on my fb account. That way I can juggle my two conflicting sides without feeling too much pressure to "just make sense already."

To clarify, my views are mainly gender critical, but it wouldn't be wrong to say that I'm still flirting with TRA views on gender, dysphoria and transition. Essentially, bio sex is the only actually scientifically proven and tangible thing about this all. Laws etc should be based on sex. Sexual attraction is based on sex. Then dysphoria is also a real medical condition, like it's an actual distress and I don't think it's solely caused by social factors. There are lots of different types of dysphoria, alright. As for gender, however... I don't believe in it, but... basically I just respect that other people have an inner sense of gender (like that's their interpretation of their feelings) while I'm still highly critical of WHY they have that interpretation. And I can’t fit myself into my old thinking of gender at all anymore. It is completely alien to me. The spell has broken and I cannot cast it again.

As for my dysphoria, basically what I'm dealing with is (a probably very rare kind of) atypical dysphoria. I like some aspects of female on my body, but not all. I like some aspects of male on my body, but not all. I feel like I should look like a hybrid of male and female, and I feel both belonging and disconnect to/from womanhood and manhood. It is a constant push and pull in both directions, uncomfortably kneading me into a serene middle-ground. That middle-ground is not a compromise; it is a very peaceful and harmonic place for me to be. It's where I'm relieved of my dysphoria. I used to avoid it my whole life, until I finally stopped fighting myself. There is tranquility here, at this inbetween, that I didn't know existed. I'm clearly dysphoric, but I am not FtM - I'm FtX. I do not give a single fuck if you think nonbinary is real or not. What I'm telling you now is: this is my dysphoria and it simply is what it is. Then what you wish to call it and what I wish to call it does not matter.

Anyhow. I just wanted to give that little debrief of my dysphoria so that you'd hopefully understand why I'm struggling so much with labels, because it's not so straight-forward. Another thing I very much want to clarify is that labels are means of communication for me - NOT identity. Just like I use the label lesbian to communicate what my sexual orientation is. That has a clear purpose. For the same reason we call ourselves men or women: it has a clear purpose. Then my question to myself, my oh so eternal question, is: what is the best label for me to communicate to others what I am and/or how I wish to be perceived?

Problem 1: What I wish to communicate (that I'm a bio female person who's happily transitioned) is not the same as what I wish to be seen as (person of indeterminate gender.)

I don't know how to feel about that what I'm mostly assumed to be a male who identifies as a woman. Do I feel bad, ashamed or guilty, for looking like a bad stereotype of trans women? Yes. I think I fear that I will come across as mocking trans women, because my looks are deliberate. I feel bad for copying gnc men. My affinity for feminine stuff like lipstick and dresses, and my absolute refusal to let go of those things, makes me feel guilty in a feminist sense. I don't believe that the way I use femininity is harmful for myself, because I've adapted it to fit my needs of comfort as well as my social goals with it. It is not sexual, it is not restraining or hindering. It is not adhering to societal standards of beauty - if anything it's mocking that.

Yes, I am mocking femininity, but I also use it because it makes me feel less naked, and more expressive. I'm always accompanying my femininity with strong masculine features such as deliberately visible facial hair and body hair, etc. My femininity is not my womanhood, but it is a highly important way for me to express my personality, symbolically. I do not want for people to oogle my naked body, or a careless sack of clothing that I've rushed into - I want for them to see my personality, so that they'll get an idea of who I am before talking to me. But despite all that... I still feel guilty for being genuinely feminine. How can I be authentic, if no matter where I turn, I feel guilt, shame, or fear?

Problem 2: As soon as I claim the nonbinary label I miss calling myself a woman, and as soon as I claim myself as a woman, I miss calling myself nonbinary.

Do I have a gender? Yes and no. It depends on how I look at it. Do I need to have a gender? Not really, but it's easier in most aspects of socialising if I do, because of my appearance. Do I want to have a gender? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I feel like I went into the gender store and bought too many. Now I sit here with a useless pile of trash that cost a fortune. I am terrified to get rid of it. There will be consequences if I do. I've been building up to this moment for almost two years. I am still building up to it. The pile is stinking and I need to take it out to the garbage disposal, but I can't make myself do it. What if I'll need it later? I'm too nostalgic for my own good.

Problem 3: When I don't want to have a gender I'm a proud woman based on my sex, but when I do want a gender, nonbinary feels more right. I can't really make a gender in my brain and then stick to it. I keep picking it up, then tossing it away, then picking it up, then tossing it away, and so on. I want to have the gender cake and eat it at the same time. Sometimes I feel proud to be woman, who takes testosterone and loves her lesbian pussy. But then it gets increasingly uncomfortable and I'd just rather not be anything specific. Then I flip to view myself as a hybrid of man and woman and that feels comfortable and uplifting. Until it doesn't anymore and I miss taking pride in being a woman, and I just don't know what the fuck is up with that.

Perhaps my "identity" is split off from my dysphoria? I dunno what I meant with that thought. Perhaps it came from my lack of social dysphoria. It's just social anxiety over looking weird.

Oh I wish I could try living in a perfect society with no sexism, and see if I'd then always be comfortable with calling myself a woman and freely be this bearded, deep-voiced, charming lady in a gothy dress, wine red lipstick and a pearl necklace, with no need to beat myself up for not being "woman enough." Because I worry that is why I keep reaching for the nonbinary label. Maybe it is out of fear? Maybe the reason I feel good about calling myself nonbinary is rooted in just wanting to be left alone to be a beautifully virilized woman, because I'm never given the chance to be that kinda woman.

It breaks my heart. You know that? You should.

No matter how much testosterone I take and no matter how much I love the effects of it... I am forever female and I love that too. No way in this despicable hell... would I ever want my sex erased. It's profoundly important to me, and such is my transition. I think that is why I stand with one foot in self-loving and the other in the medical result of dysphoria. My body is a cocktail of this and that, a little bit tit for tat, and I revel in its strange combination of exquisite flavours.

I feel like I have transcended the concept of gender, but as a happily transitioned, dysphoric woman, I have a very hard time conveying that to the rest of my little world, and the world at large. What is a woman who is happily transitioned to a goal that falsely mimmics the visual effects of certain intersex and hormonal conditions? Who am I to glorify the visual results of others' suffering? Oh I dunno, but I probably have more respect for them than I do for myself, if that counts as an excuse.

What am I? And how do I move forward in society, as honestly as possible?

What I am... is in the eye of the beholder. Depending on your ideology, you will have a different opinion (boldly assuming that you'd even care at all) but what I think is... there is no one correct answer. Thus, in my desperate search for that one true answer, I cannot win. All I can do is pick whatever makes me the most comfortable, but the only thing that would soothe me is the ultimate truth. (No, that's not it. Keep scrambling.)

I have become a biologist obsessed with finding the truth of God with a microscope. No wonder people are beginning to question my sanity.

("Are you okay?" Uhm no, I don't think so.)

What I need to figure out, is if gender serves me, and if "woman" serves me. But they both do, and I have to make a choice. There I stand, finding that they both serve me, unable to make a choice.

(Somewhere around here, I started going off on a tangent and lost myself in the endless whirls of my heart and mind. So I rolled back the tape, and here I am again. The rest in an over-write.)

How do I see myself? I see myself both as a woman and as nonbinary. Sometimes I need my gender, sometimes I don't. What I am is still the same, but there are many different ways to label me correctly, and THAT is what chafes at me.

Problem 4: I do not want to have a politically charged label. Woman has become a political statement for me, because of my appearance contradicting that statement, and the statement contradicts my dysphoria. It being so politically charged makes me uncomfortable. I wish to just exist as a woman, not declare myself as one. Nonbinary is equally a political statement, of rejecting gender norms which are harmful to everyone. Nonbinary strips the bearer of their sex, and releases the pressure on them to conform. There is the catch. Woman, instead strips the bearer of the freedom to not conform, but releases the pressure of gender. And there I think I've hit the nail on the head. What I wish for... is a label which does not strip me of my sex, nor forces me into conformity to look like my sex. Woman should be that label, but the only way it can ever be... is to put on that armour and fight for it, which I don't want to.

The label woman is too heavy for me, as a male-passing female, to bear in this gender-obsessed world - while nonbinary feels like a betrayal, both to myself and all other women. Nonbinary feels like a happy fantasy, until it shatters upon my realisation that it is not real. Woman feels like the powerful authenticity from the bottom of my chromosomes, until reality hits that it's a very difficult label for me to wear. Then I run away scared into my happy fantasy, but I am tired of continuously shattering and rebuilding myself.

What I want is to fully embrace my womanhood, without running back to the trans community again and again, to cry about how cruel reality is, and please validate my special trans feelings, which of course... the zombies do. I feel like I have Stockholm Syndrome for the trans community. I feel hurt by its sexism and homophobia, which is aimed directly at me as a gender-breaking woman and as a female-exclusive lesbian, yet I keep running back to it, pleading for validation as the utter coward I am! Because I am terrified of being a woman and a lesbian in the real world... while looking like this. I love the way I look, but I am scared and I am ashamed of facing my reflection with pride, as a woman. Because that means something more. It doesn't "just" mean that I'm female, it also means that when I with pride call myself a woman... I am reclaiming the one thing which I ought not to. No one shames a trans man or dysphoric enby for wanting a beard and loving taking testosterone... but the second a "cis" woman does? You know that is different. Cis is a lie, but I am real. I'm a woman, and I love testosterone flowing through my veins. My true beliefs... lie with radfem, and I'm only "making space" for gender in those beliefs to not hurt my loved ones' feelings.

How am I supposed to handle and move beyond this? Will it ever get easier?

Problem 5: It's not the nonbinary bush I have been beating around... it's the radfem bush. I have not been honest about my sense of self, anywhere else than here on tumblr. I do not want a gender label on my feelings. Gender is so harmful and I need to stop being its martyr. Can I accept and respect other people for having genders? Sure, whatever, I don't particularly care what people choose to call their feelings, as long as laws aren't being built around those feelings. But I can't for the life of me stop squirming at the idea of ME having a gender again. It is uncomfortable. Get the fucking parasite off me! Gender has been poisoning me again lately. It was a mistake to look into it again. It has been clouding my vision, because I forgot what truly matters: To look like whichever gender expression I wish, to act out whichever gender role I want, to treat my dysphoria however I see fit for myself, but not to lie about what I am: female=woman.

Problem 6: I am free without gender, but I am also incredibly vulnerable. As if I was completely naked before the whole world. Then even wearing a clown suit feels better in comparison.

Solution: I need to break up with the trans community. That toxic relationship has been going on for way too long now. I don't care if I lose all of my friends over it. I need to break free, and liberate my womanhood, because I have been shackling her. No matter how hard it is. I need to face my fear, guilt and shame. I need to tell myself that it's okay to hurt, but that it will get better. I need to stop reaching for nonbinary whenever I feel scared and ashamed to be a woman. I can cry about how hard it is... but never give up.

My dysphoria does not define me, and I refuse to let it.

#gender critical #gnc female #reclaiming womanhood #gender dysphoria #battling the nonbinary label #i ended up tumbling down into some deep thinking again #i cried several times writing and editing this #if only i could just get my shit together #radfem #transition #former trans man

[grayson-22]

I Love you...for you

Warnings

Trans Roman

Dysphoria

Self doubt

Talk about sex (consensual)

Mention of packers and binders

I wrote this a few months ago...but decided to post it now cause y'all need content.

Roman looks at his chest. He looked at his binder. "It...hurts..." he said aloud to Virgil who was sitting on his bed.

"Then don't wear it. If it hurts you to wear it...you might need a new one." Roman turned to Virgil, hiding his chest. "Sorry. I don't have another 300 dollars!" He snapped out.

Suddenly Roman was against his wall, his arms above his head and Virgil was kissing him. "Don't worry. I'll buy you another. You can save up for the top surgery if you want one." Virgil said, just inches away from Romans mouth.

Roman blushed looking at his boyfriend. "You...would really do that?" Virgil nodded.

"If it means you can feel even slightly better...I'd do anything. I hate that you feel dysphoric about your body...i want to change that for you." Virgil said, holding his boyfriend close.

Roman looked down at his chest again, he hated how big it was..."yeah...I'll start saving for top surgery." He said with a smile.

Virgil smiled and placed his hands on Romans waist, pulling him closer. He kissed his lips, closing the space between them.

Virgil pulled away suddenly. "I forgot..." Roman looked worried at his emo nightmare. "Forgot what love?" He asked.

Virgil stepped away and went into the guest room, his old room before they started dating, and came back with a box. "It came in the mail today!" He said happily.

Roman looked confused, he didn't order anything. He saw the company name on the box, peacock? Oh. He looked at Virgil with a blush slowly making its way from his cheeks to his ears and shoulders.

"Is this...?" Virgil nodded. "I may or may not have bought you the packer you showed me....and I may or may not have ordered the strap and rod for an extra 10 bucks." He said with a wink.

Roman blushed more and threw himself into his boyfriends arms. "Oh Virgil...you didn't have to...wait...this means...i can use the men's bathrooms now!" He said with the biggest smile Virgil had ever seen.

Virgil nodded. "Yeah, and with the extra equipment..." he paused to kiss Romans neck. Roman remembered the conversation he had with Virgil, "did you only buy this so we can have sex?" He asked, feeling more self conscious.

Virgil pulled away, "of course not. I got this for you because you said you wanted it. I bought this for you because I know you hate going into the girls room. I bought this for you because I love you...i love you for you and if this will help you feel more like you, then I'm willing to spend a few hundred dollars..."

"You spoil me storm cloud." Roman said before hugging Virgil. "Anyway...we should get ready. I'm excited for what you have planned for tonight." He put the binder on, god...it hurt....but for now he would just have to deal.

Virgil smiled before planting a kiss on Romans forehead.

When Virgil left the room to use the bathroom, Roman sighed softly. He got dressed and went to Virgil. Virgil kissed Roman, who wore a dashing red suit and a purple tie, matching Virgils purple suit and Red tie.

"You look like a Disney Prince."

Roman blushed, "one thing...this packer...feels uncomfortable right now." He says with a laugh. "It's okay. You'll get used to it." Virgil holds Roman by his waist. "And until then, I'll just have to remind you of how much I love you and how handsome you are."

~

The night was very fun, everything was going well until Roman went to use the bathroom. He nearly ran to the ladies room out of habit, but a woman came out, causing Roman to turn around and rush to the men's. He felt weird as he got to the urinal, it didn't feel right.

When he came back he was a blushing mess. He went back to his table at the fancy restaurant that he didn't know how to pronounce and frowned. "That...was humiliating."

Virgil knitted his brows together. "How so? What happened?"

Roman sighed "I just...didn't feel like I belong there. It felt wrong...maybe I'm too used to the ladies room?"

"Did anyone think it was odd you were there?" Virgil asked with a smile

"Well not that I know of..."

Virgil kissed his boyfriends hands, "because of how well you pass and how amazing you look."

Roman smiled and didn't let his thoughts get to him for the rest of the night.

One-shot taglist:

@mariita-2006

@angels-are-beautiful

@i-am-overly-complicated

#prinxiety #roman x virgil #ts roman #virgil and roman #roman sanders #virgil sanders #emo virgil #thomas sanders virgil #tw dysphoria #trans roman

[vykerr]

Gender questioning under the cut. Warning: very fucking long.

Cutting my hair has helped affirm my suspicions a bit, now I want to lay it all out and try to figure this out. Having short hair makes me happy. Looking more like a boy makes me happy.

I have never identified with femininity at all.

I can count on one hand the number of times in my life I have worn make up. Same with the number of times I have worn nail polish. I have never had a skin routine, or a hair routine; I have never used special product on my face or hair. The products I use on my body are as follows: liquid soap when I want to wash my hands, a bar of normal soap to wash my body in the shower, and a basic shampoo in my hair. That’s it. My boyfriend has a more intense skin routine than I. I barely even wash my face, and I have never even used products to get rid of pimples. I also never styled my hair, and barely ever used the hair dryer, always just let it naturally dry and give it a comb through and let it sit how it wants to. Before I cut it, I only ever tied it up in the lab for safety, I barely have the skills to make a proper ponytail. I have never plucked my eyebrows, mostly because they are basically invisible anyway.

I have never, not once in my life, shaved my legs. But because its socially unacceptable for a woman to have hairy legs and I don’t want to be judged, I have never worn anything out other than full length pants. Never any dresses, skirts or shorts. Feel more comfortable in pants anyway. I own 2 main pairs of shoes: my work sneakers, and a pair of crocs for when I go into the garden. I have barely ever worn a proper heeled shoe or boot, nor any flats or sandals or any really feminine shoes, only really on a select few formal occasions. I only own one dress, again for said formal occasions.

For tops, its basically t-shirts. I concede to shave under my arms occasionally to wear these. I have piles and piles of T’s, and loose-fitting jackets, coats and hoodies. I can’t wear proper bras, in fact any bra is uncomfortable for me but especially any with wire. I have the most gentle, soft t-shirt bras which are basically like crop tops, and I still don’t find them fully comfortable. But we will come back to how much I hate my boobs later.

I never wear any jewellery or accessories. I don’t have my ears pierced, even though everyone was doing it in high school and tried to talk me into it I always refused. So, no earrings, no necklaces, no bracelets, no rings, no hair accessories, not even any scarves and hardly ever a pair of gloves. I have never had a purse, always a wallet. Never a handbag, always a messenger bag. Never any fancy lingerie, can barely stand the feel of lace. No bikinis at the beach, full on board-shorts and swim t-shirt.

Right, that’s all the appearance and dress evidences. Now what about other things?

When I was young, I never liked girly things, never wanted to play with girls’ toys, always wanted to do thing that were more considered boys pass-times like video games and the like. I used to hate pink because it was feminine. Though now I have come to like it cause it’s just a cool colour and a learned that colours shouldn’t really have genders. But it still shows that from a young age I was trying to distance myself from the idea of femininity.

I was always more comfortable with my male friends, though many of my friends were girls as well, as I found it hard to make friends so I took what I could get. Now I am pretty much a social recluse, I don’t like going out, just want to stay home and play video games and do other geeky shit. Don’t really like what is considered female audience movies, like romances and rom-coms and alike. I like hard sci-fi the most, some fantasy and horror. 

Now let’s talk about body dysphoria.

I’m not sure I have it, at least not in the traditional way. I don’t really think I have been born in the wrong body so much as I don’t think any body would really be right for me. I don’t feel super uncomfortable in the idea/concept of being female. I don’t feel like I’m a male trapped in a female body. Probably because my sense of self is hazy at best. But I feel like being male would be more comfortable for me in the literal sense, as their secondary sex characteristics are less annoying in my opinion, and their body presentation expectations are much more loose. 

I don’t look down at my breasts and think ‘there should be a flat chest there because that’s what I should have’. I look down at them and hate them because they are annoying and I want to get rid of them, to make me more comfortable because I hate wearing bras. Though at the same time, I like the idea of having a more male chest, I like the idea of being a male quite a bit, it sounds like a good time. But that doesn’t mean I see myself as mentally male, well a bit maybe. Don’t really see myself as mentally female either. I’m mentally nothing, maybe.

I don’t see my vagina and think ‘there should be a penis here instead’. In fact, I don’t have too much against my vagina, it’s fine except for the fact its broken and painful to have sex with so I guess I would trade it for a penis if I could, but I don’t feel dysphoric about it. What I hate more is my uterus. What has that bitch ever done for me? Pain, that’s all, and I’m not even ever going to use it so its useless and I would like to get rid of it.

My curvy feminine body is okay, sometimes its hard to tell dysphoria apart from just hating your own body image. Like, I can live with it, it would be probably better for me/more comfortable if it was less curvy but its not a huge deal. My voice is fine, it’s sounds quite deep from my perspective but people online can clearly tell I am female so it must be a bit higher pitched than I think it is, but maybe fairly neutral overall. My face is fine, its quite round so quite gender neutral.

I don’t mind people using female pronouns and honorifics for me, that doesn’t really bother me. However, when I made a new account on an online game and set my gender to male and people started using male pronouns for me it made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I don’t think ‘I am male and I need to change my body to reflect this’. I think I wish I was male, and if I could I would like to become male/change my body in some ways to be more masculine or at least more androgynous.

If I was male, I could wear my hairy legs out and no one would care, I could have as much hair as I wanted all over me. If I was male, I wouldn’t be expected to keep my hair long, or to wear makeup, or fashionable clothes. If I was male, I would have no stupid boobs getting in my way and making me uncomfortable, just a nice flat chest. If I was male, I wouldn’t have any stupid periods, or get asked when I’m going to have children. If I was male, I could be the main breadwinner of my relationship without people thinking its weird. My boyfriend would be fine with me being male as he is very bi. I know my family would be supportive, they always are about everything.

If I could magically turn fully male I would in an instant. But if I transition, I know that comes with all sorts of issues. Discrimination being the main one. Would I lose my job? Can a teacher be trans? Would the parents be like oh, I don’t want my child being taught by that fag?

Should I buy a binder and start presenting male over the summer to try it out? Should I go and talk to a doctor/therapist about it? What should I do?

#gender questioning #gender identity #is anything i am feeling even real? #i have been thinking about this shit for a long time #i don't think changing gender would necessarily make me more happy #just more comfortable #maybe by talking about this i will speak it into existence #so it becomes more solid

[tmitransitioning]

how will t be most likely to change my dietary needs? i used to have an eating disorder, and even now, i have trouble getting enough nutrients just because i have extremely limited access to food that i can hold down and still afford. also, ive heard t can cause some weight gain. im getting better about not obsessing over my weight, and i know its probably more muscle weight than fat, but im afraid ill relapse again anyway. are there ways beyond "just dont look" that i can deal with that better?

cw: disordered eating, calorie restriction, weight, generally talking about food and anxiety

So, I have been/am in a very similar position—long-running restrictive disordered eating patterns, low budget for groceries, and not a lot of food that I can physically eat (digestive problems). My ED started around natal puberty and has persisted since, but I’ve also never been formally treated, so the strategies and discussion here may not encompass that perspective.

Testosterone is... interesting, because it almost universally makes you hungry, kind of like a teenage cis dude, but a lot of the “oh my god if I don’t eat protein right now I’m gonna go feral” kind of hunger goes away after the first couple years. Cis women and cis men don’t really have that different of energy needs*, and while it’s true that your body needs energy to build muscle and grow hair and all of that, I think we sometimes accidentally give the impression that you’re constantly going to be eating three-course meat platters, which can make anxiety around food a lot worse to think about. It’s also kind of hard to figure out how much someone’s appetite increase is due solely to hormones and what is due to lifestyle changes—a lot of trans people on T hit the gym super hard and then wonder why they’re so hungry. (That’s a self-drag.) In general, once you’re past the bulk of the Second Puberty Changes, your appetite returns to about what it was.

The same goes for weight gain. Not everyone gains weight on testosterone**. In most people, T promotes muscle growth; you don’t get bodybuilder muscles without a ton of effort, but you will likely feel a bit stronger and might see physical muscle development in parts of your body that you use a lot (I got quads of steel; a lot of people get buff forearms and shoulders; your butt usually changes if you walk a lot; etc). HRT in general also doesn’t change how much body fat you have, because that is largely genetic. The shape that body fat takes will change, which can trigger emotions and anxiety about your body—I’ve had a hard time with this re: fat redistribution to my stomach. Knowing what effects something is having doesn’t necessarily turn the ED off, which is pretty frustrating; they’re irrational and based in fear and interact weirdly with dysphoria.

If you’re able to, I’ve found the most helpful thing is to straight-up build eating into a schedule every day. For example, I use paper lists on my desk a lot to keep track of things I have to do on days when I’m home, and I’ll incorporate “eat something” into those at specific intervals—”do dishes, clean desk, eat food, study, eat food, etc.”. It doesn’t have to be a meal, and it’s unrealistic to expect myself to do that. I also think that, since this isn’t a clinical setting, it is probably better to try and not track or care about the caloric or nutritional content, if possible. That is out of the question for a lot of people’s EDs, and I don’t know what form yours takes; I mention it because the anxiety produced around trying to hit a calorie goal can make it a lot harder to eat anything, and putting some fuel in is better than no fuel.

The trick to the repeated reminders thing is that you have to enforce it, or get something else to enforce it for you—I like phone alarms and timed reminders for this, where I can set them to snooze for five minutes but cannot dismiss them until I physically have an apple or whatever in my hand.

In terms of dealing with your actual thoughts about your weight: You’re right, “just don’t look” isn’t really a feasible solution. But it’s also hard to know how those thoughts will change on T, which makes them tough to anticipate and react to in advance. There’s a really, really weird intertwining of dysphoria and body image that tends to happen, where people will find that the body shape they settle into on hormones either doesn’t give them the same urge to control it that their pre-HRT body did or is easily separable from those feelings. I don’t want to tell you to wait and see but I do think that your overall ability to counter the anxiety you feel around food may get stronger when you feel more in control of/euphoric in your body. It’s weird, and takes some introspection to tease out, like, “okay I felt bad about my thighs previously because they made me dysphoric but now they’re shaped differently and I’m pretty sure that my remaining bad feelings are weight-based”. But it does, genuinely, surprisingly help a lot to ease dysphoria as a way of addressing weight and eating. EDs don’t disappear with hormonal transition, or with surgery, but they can get easier to manage when you are not constantly anxious about your body and gender. I hope some of this helps you; I’m sorry I can’t give you more of a handbook-style guide to it, I’m not sure anyone has it fully figured out.

- Mod Wolf

* The recommended-calorie diets are based on self-reported intakes; followup studies found that women were underreporting more than men were.

** And, conversely, not everyone loses weight on estrogen.

#mod wolf #disordered eating cw #eating disorders cw #food cw #weight cw #hrt #testosterone

[discyours]

The cotton ceiling shit, the constant erasing of same sex attraction, sex based oppression becoming seen as a "dog whistle" & the perpetual fear that TERFs are everywhere & woke lib fem men need to speak against them, all this shit has made me hit my peak trans. & I'm a dysphoric male. Like, I'm worried about the damage when this shit will hit the big time mainstrean & be talked about on television where old people know this shits going on. It's breaking my heart. I'm sorry. I'll do what I can.

I’ve become increasingly aware that it’s already part of the mainstream. Last week my mother jokingly asked me whether a butch woman who had helped us in a store was a woman at all. Not as a genuine question and not in the sense of new age homophobia. Just “butch women look like men and that’s funny”. Ordinary, casual homophobia, and I don’t doubt that she would have asked the same question if I wasn’t trans. 

And yet, I am part of it. Even if I did not cause it, I can’t ignore that I’m living in a society where the everlasting mystery of GNC people’s sex is still the butt of a massive joke, and that I’m adding the the validity of that mystery by asserting that I actually don’t want to be seen as a woman despite being female. I’m adding to the list of reasons why homophobes would question a GNC person’s appearance, and that’s awful. 

Last week I also ran into the trans child my mother has been telling me about for months. I don’t think I get out enough to have influenced her and I have no idea how long she’s been identifying as trans, but I know how awful it was for me to grow up here as a young lesbian. It was really weird to meet a kid who just seemed like any other tomboy and realise just how much things have changed since I was that kid. Not that I have any place to speak because instead of growing up into a proud GNC woman, I decided somewhere along the way that I’d rather be a man and added to the idea that it’s all just a phase in one way or another. 

I think a lot of people make the mistake of seeing queer homophobia as its own thing that’s just going to grow until it replaces whatever it is we know now. That’s not what’s happening and it doesn’t need to happen for it to be a big problem. Trans politics aren’t replacing traditional homophobia, they’re just adding to it. 

#anon #sorry if this isn't a clear response

[gut-shabbos-sluts]

More questions than answers for me this episode. 26, to be exact, most under the cut because it’s a long post. Come talk answers with me, because I have no clue what to think.

The Nein have seen Caleb’s scars before, presumably. They’ve all seen each other naked enough times for that fact to be likely. What did they think they were until now?

How old is Nott, really? Is her perception of her age changed by her time as a goblin? Because she claimed that she’s nine again this episode, but also said she’s been married to Yeza for five years, and Luke is about that age.

Caduceus says he’s an open book, but he doesn’t give anything up. The new lore we get from him is only marginally deeper than what we knew before now. He also admits to being a fan of lies by omission. What is he hiding? Why is he hiding it?

What is the job of the archmage of antiquities? Caleb mentioned researching artifacts, but I can’t help but wonder what else she may do. Censoring history books? Erasing people whose crimes against the Empire have come to light since their death?

If what we saw of Luke’s character is all we have to go off of, he has a limp, or some sort of other issue walking. Did he get it escaping the goblin village with Yeza?

Nott calls herself a goblin girl, then a halfling woman. We know she’s majorly dysphoric in her goblin body, does the fact that she’s no longer an adult add to this? Because despite her issues growing up, she at least had grown up and found a version of success that worked for her. Now she’s back to square one, and a monster on top of that. Was this a deliberate word choice?

The whole connection between the hooded woman and Molly’s story. According to what we know, Nott and Molly died within half a year of each other. Molly woke up a total amnesiac. Nott says she’s losing more and more of her halfling self as time goes on. Even if it wasn’t the same woman, or slightly different ceremonies, the fact that they happened so close to each other definitely begs discussion.

Why would the mages let the troops mobilize again if the tripod had been stolen that very day? There’s enough fear in Felderwin already to not have issue stirring people up to think it’s another surprise attack. Did the mages not notice their tools and notes stolen? Had they planned on leaving them there?

Which parts of backstory did Caleb change/omit because they weren’t true the from the first time around, and which did he say differently because of editing for his audience?

Is Ermendrud a surname or a middle name? If it’s the latter, what is his surname?

What are Trent and the Assembly at large’s goals? You don’t just stop a war in the street with a truce and a proposal that gives them a major in to the Empire’s politics. Especially when you’re a morally grey (at best) mage with great power and relative immortality. Their goals may be parallel to the Empire’s, but it’s unlikely that they’re the same. What do they want with dunamancy beyond winning a war?

What’s happening in the rest of the world, in locations where the Nein actually used the beacon? What’s the likelihood that their small use of dunamis could call the Krynn like the regular experiments in Felderwin?

Who put the note in the Cobalt Soul book that taught Caleb the word ‘dunamis’ in the first place?

Travis obviously likes being a shit-kicker, but how much was that the case with him saying that Fjord used the Nein? After everything with his arc, it doesn’t feel likely, but even so, does Fjord feel that that’s the case?

Beau is name dropping the Cobalt Soul a lot, like it means something, but the people in Felderwin don’t seem to be acting like it holds as much clout as she expects. Is it just not as know outside of major cities?

The Krynn were only in Felderwin for an hour or so, according to the Crownsguard. Is that accurate, or the result of time-weirdness? If the apothecary was hit last, when did they attack the fields?

Why is Jester the most averse to slurs, to the point where she hesitates before using them in conversations where other words would cast suspicion on her? Character choice, backstory choice?

The time sickness from the dunamancy experiments seemed to center around poorer neighborhoods in Felderwin. Was it intentional to put people who lived in those areas under more risk, as opposed to wealthier citizens?

The worms definitely would have an effect on the fields and the soil structure. Was that a choice of biological warfare alongside torching the crops themselves? Presumably giant Xhorhas worms wouldn’t be the healthiest thing for the earth, not to mention the turning of soil out of time.

The Blooming Grove was made either before or around the same time that the Savalierwood was cursed. Were their creations linked? What magic do they hold that Caduceus is convinced that the curse shouldn’t be leaching into it? How many other temples and cemeteries were created at the same time? How are they doing?

What is the linguistic connection between Ghor Dranas and Nicodranas, if any?

Yasha mentioned bull-men in northern Xhorhas, near Ghor Dranas. What are the chances that Blud, Marion’s bodyguard, is from there?

If the most dunamancy being practiced at this time is based in Ghor Dranas, and the city is the former seat of the Betrayer Gods, what are the chances it’s a form of magic from the Age of Arcanum that was erased from larger history, possibly because of its part in the Calamity/Divergence?

In relation to that, could dunamancy be what’s causing the permanent night over the city? Not just darkness, but actual nighttime enforced by time manipulation.

Was Geo’f’f just really badly injured, or were the fires somehow magical and therefore more damaging? It’s been two plus weeks and he still seems to be in a worse place medically. If it’s the latter, is that because he was injured at the base of the dunamancy experiments? Or just apothecary-related acid burns?

Fjord’s accent slip wasn’t to his ‘real’ accent. This was more posh, a little higher, the accent not quite the same. What caused the slip, then, and why to that accent?

#critical role #cr spoilers #long post #lots of questions #and im still writing other meta #a lot to think on in a non combat episode that spanned about 24 hours

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

I'm ftm (pre everything) and am in choir but I also want to sing and maybe pursue it later but if I go on hormones then I'm afraid I won’t be able to. Advice?

Lee says:

I like singing, how will T affect my voice?

We can’t tell you what will happen to your voice- people tend to be able to sing well (once their voice is done changing!) if they could sing well before, but there are instances of people losing their singing voices.

We’ve anecdotally heard of some people on T being able to keep their high notes, but it’s much more likely that you lose your high notes as your vocal cords thicken. 

T will most likely deepen your voice so your range will change, but as long as you continue to practice and don’t overwork your voice into notes you cannot reach anymore your singing voice probably will be okay- different, but okay.

But we can’t guarantee this, and it’s your decision whether testosterone and passing/being comfortable in your body are worth the risks of losing your singing voice for you.

This post has a bit more on singing

The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice

The Changing Female-To-Male (FTM) Voice Pedagogical Notes 

Testosterone And The Trans Male Singing Voice

Training the Transgender Singer: Finding the Voice Inside

Followers, any examples of trans singers on T for us to add? Or any personal experiences to add on?Followers, any personal experiences to add?

Followers say:

aeolianchemistry said: have a lot to say about this! i may not be the most coherent bc im half asleep lol, but anyone feel free to message me about this anytime and ask for more details!,

this was my biggest Thing when i was deciding to pursue hrt. ive been in various choirs for years, and its a very Important part of my life. but also my voice was my #1 source of dysphoria, and the #1 thing i needed to change. i searched for weeks to find anything about what to expect from hrt as a singer, esp bc ive heard stories of trans ppl losing their siging voice entirely. i was terrified, and couldnt find resources to shed any significant light on the topic.

and so, in no particular order bc im half asleep, here are some things to expect and things that i’ve experienced so far (almost six months on hrt):

- practice while your voice is dropping! feel it out every step of the way. get to know your voice while it’s changing, and try to maintain those high notes. i didnt do a v good job of this and my high range kinda just shriveled up. i cant be sure that it wouldve been hugely different if id practiced more, but ive heard it does help

- yoir voice will feel different. unfamiliar at times. you wont be using it the same way youre used to. technique will change, placement will change

- my speaking voice shifted downward after just a month or two (i had mild hyperandrogynism before, so this wont be as quick for everyone), before my singing voice did. i didn’t start getting new low range until later, but within my pre-t vocal range, my voice just sat a bit lower than it used to. my low alto filled out more. than i started getting new notes, slowly

- there will be periods of time where it cracks or breaks or is unreliable. dont push it, but dont despair either. keep practicing as well as you can

- my voice is somewhat fragile. if i yell (which i can only somewhat do currently) or push it or force it thru cracks/breaks/weak spots, it will get tired easily and take quite a while to recover. be nice to your voice. dont push high notes if they cause strain. dont push the low notes either, even tho im sure youre excited about them

- your voice will be weak while it’s shifting. this can cause frustration and anxiety. i’m two months into my choir season singing w two and a half choirs, and i’m dealing w lots of Complicated Feelings bc my voice just cant do all the things i want it to. i cant project much, and i certainly dont have the strength (yet) to audition for any of the solos i’d like to. Patience

- the Weird Spots and the Weak Spots will continue to shift around. i have this one area in the middle of my range (currently its about Ab3-B3, but a few weeks ago it was B3-C4) where its weird and weak and its kind of like a break in register but also a bit like a black hole, bc i Cannot Project there and theres no good placement for singing those notes, and notes in the vicinity of those are also Weird but Less So. it’s slowly sliding downwards, and i am learning to navigate it better. i’m hoping it will settle and go away soon, but we’ll see

- breath support is v important. as mentioned, your voice may be quite fragile, and putting strain on it could cause it to glitch out on you for a while. supporting your voice w lots of breath will put less demand on your vocal chords

- NEVER SING IN A BINDER or compressive garment. you need those lungs!

- you’re going to miss out on some of the nostalgic singalongs of old choir songs, bc you no longer have the range to sing your old parts. this is possibly the #1 consequence of transitioning that im the most sad about lol

- i have a very weird quality to my high range rn. it seems to be caught midway between the head voice it used to be and future falsetto or whatever it’s moving toward. for now its just Strange to listen to

the current state of my voice is this:

low range is down to almost the bottom of the bass clef. i can sing down to Bb2, A2 on a good day.

from there up to F3ish is quite comfy and possibly the strongest part of my singing voice, but i do find that if i spend too much time down there it can strain the rest of my range (i used to have this problem before too: if i sang in my low alto range too much or too enthusiastically, my sop range would get tired).

from G3-C4, it’s Awkward. the Awkwardness shifts around, and some parts of it can be more comfy than others sometimes, but it’s all v inconsistent. i cant project much here, and placement is veryvery Weird.

D4-F4ish is typically comfy but has a bit of that Strange quality to it. these notes are a bit floaty, but not bad.

G4-B4 are unreliable. somedays i can get up there. some days it’ll blink out or crack or break or just Not Be There. i am predicting that once my high range settles into a proper falsetto, i’ll be able to work on this range more and it’ll have less of that Strange quality to it, but only time will tell

again, apologies for being Scattered, it’s 1am and ive had a long day. any of yall are welcome to message me for more details ☺

there is a lot of weirdness and weakness and Awkward in the transition period. but while i’m frustrated at times, i’m not worried. everything i’m dealing w is temporary. now i can’t be 100% sure how my voice will settle or when, but i’m not afraid i’ve lost it forever. as far as i’ve heard, the stories of trans ppl who lose their singing voice on t are very rare cases. youre going to go through weeks or months where singing is Weird in constantly shifting ways, but itll keep on moving and developing, and personally i’m so excited to see where it goes.

i’m currently singing tenor2 in my choirs, and occasionally i get to take a trip down and sing baritone. im not even 6months in! that has transformed my choir experience to be even better than before, even w all the awkwardness. it was so weird and beginning to get verg uncomfy to be in a place like choir, which is so important to me, which i love dearly, which has had a significant impact on my life, but which revolved around the use of my one most dysphoric feature. but now i don’t have to worry about that. now i can sing the parts i’ve been wanting to sing for years.

i do occasionally miss some of my old voice. i miss soaring soprano lines, i miss all the old alto parts in songs i used to know. i miss the confidence and strength of a familiar, complete voice. and im allowed to miss those, i dont feel bad about having that longing or sadness, bc i have zero regrets. i also occasionally miss playing with and styling my super long hair, but in five years i have not once regretted cutting it all off. i own those memories and that nostalgia, but i keep moving forward to new and better things

pinesboi said: If you keep working at your voice and take lessons to make sure you never let it get out of practice, everything should be okay. I’m on T now about 3-4 months, and I’m still singing high tenor musical theatre

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