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elphiej · 3 years

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Be My Light - Chapter 3: Try to Stay Calm and Move on.

*Genre: Mafia, angst, eventual smut, slow burn

*Warnings: references to drug usage/ withdrawal, reference to sexual situations/ sex work/ trafficking.

Author’s note: Hi everyone! I hope you enjoy the next chapter. True to my style, it’s a little long but I think it flows well enough. Thank you for those who have commented on my previous chapters. I very much appreciate it. Thank you for your patients as well; work has been busy and I found out I had covid. I’m ok now but it did set me back a bit in finishing this. As always, please let me know what you think or let me know if you have any comments. I love them and all of you. Please enjoy!

Tag list: @lolalalooo @bangtan-sonyeonddaeng, @barbikatherine, @mrsfortune1306, @lovesick-heart0, @iamnamjoonsbxtch, @deathkat657, @deeepvibes, @sugamonster22 , @weiinihao, @hemmofluke , @rainbow-zebra-unicorns

Chapter 3: Try to Stay Calm and Move On

Central Mercy was one of the largest and most active hospitals in all the city. And as you followed the EMTs through the trauma bay doors, the floor was full of medical staff moving about assessing patients. True to its name, Mercy didn’t discriminate and took in those that smaller practices were too scared to take: gang related cases. They feared retaliation. But Mercy was only interested in saving people. A team from the surgical floor came up beside the fast-moving gurney, listening as the EMT got them up to speed. You added some details, though your eyes never left the man on the gurney; he hadn’t regained consciousness since the police arrived and he seemed even paler than before. One of the nurses whispered that Doctor Na was waiting in the operating theatre. Henry Na was one of the top surgeons in all of Central and you felt a wave of relief knowing that the patient couldn’t be in better hands. But deep down, you knew you wouldn’t be at complete ease until you saw the young man awake and alright. And the fear of the unknown made you not want to lose sight of him.

Before you could question why you felt so drawn to stay by the stranger, one of the nurses put her hands out in front of her and forced you to come to a stop right outside the OR doors. The doors slid shut and you were left alone in the hallway. And that is where the connection should have ended. Doctor Na and his staff would take good care of him, then he’d be transferred to another floor, and you would move on to your own patients. But you couldn’t stop the feeling of wanting to be near the stranger you found in the middle of a gun battle. But why? Could it be because you were a kind-hearted nurse or that you had just gone through a horrific experience together? You had asked him to explain what you had gotten yourself into after all. Perhaps on one of your breaks you could go visit? Was that weird? What would you say? ‘Hi, remember me? I’m the idiot who saved you after you got shot. Want to be friends?’

Honestly, you didn’t think you were so desperate for companionship that you’d try to forge a friendship with some random guy who’s background you didn’t know. What were you expecting- a friendly relationship that could develop into something else? This wasn’t one of those romantic comedies you watched with Amber and, based on your track record, you weren’t that lucky. For all you knew, this guy was just as dangerous as the man with the cane. With the increase in U4-1A cases, was this a drug deal gone bad? It would be a shame if someone that handsome turned out to be a druggie. There were supposedly others that had gotten away; it could be a turf war. There were so many dangerous possibilities that ran through your mind. No, you sighed, it was best just to let it go. If you were meant to see him again, fate would make it so. Then, you would get some answers. But for now, it was time to get to work and move on.

“I’m sure Jax is pulling his hair out by now,” you wondered, out loud. “Wonder what Amber’s going to say.”

You didn’t have to wonder long, for as you turned on your heels, Amber was standing right behind you. Nerves still on edge, you couldn’t help but jump backwards. Amber was the definition of sweet but intimidating as her eyes bore into you. She was thin and lanky, completely swallowed by her baggy scrubs. She had a sharp face with short blonde hair that had been styled with an undercut. That, paired with her piercings and elaborate tattoos that decorated her arms, gave her a strong androgynous look that caught a lot of attention. She stared at you with a look of mixed anxious worry and anger.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Y/N,” she said, leaning in, “what the Pineapple?! Are you crazy or stupid?”

“Is both an option,” you countered, trying to lighten the mood.

Amber reached over and flicked her middle finger against your forehead. “I’m serious, dumbass, you really gave me a heart attack. You didn’t answer my text and I hear from the dispatch that you’re at the scene of a gang shooting?! I can’t begin to tell you the images my brain was coming up with! I thought I’d find you on a stretcher, covered in blood. I mean,” she gave you a meaningful look up and down, “more so than this.”

You followed her gaze and, finally, got a good look at yourself. Your simple grey hoodie was covered in dark, splotchy patterns. The cuffs of your sleeves were dried dark from when you had tried to apply pressure to his wounds, there was a large stain on your side that had soaked through to your scrubs from carrying the young man behind the counter, and splattering decorated all over the rest of you. You were glad that the EMTs let you ride along in the ambulance; it would have made your bus ride more interesting looking like a slasher movie victim.

You held up your hands, defensively. “It’s not mine. I promise, I didn’t get hurt. It’s from the real victim.”

Amber sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “Come on,” she said, ushering you away from the Operating rooms, “let’s get you cleaned up. I’ll tell Jax what’s going on after I get rid of these clothes. There’s no saving them.”

~*****************~

Having skipped your shower this morning due to time, you were quite thankful for the warm water that eased the anxiety still rampant. Once Amber was satisfied that you weren’t injured, she brought you some new scrubs and bagged up your soiled ones to dispose of them. You were annoyed that you were losing your hoodie, since it was the only one you had since coming to Central and you hadn’t had time to go buy new clothes yet. At least you had packed the extra long sleeve shirt to help against the seasonal chill. Amber had left you a pair of grey scrubs that would help you blend in to your work shift. Once you changed, you made your way to your supervisor’s office. Jax was an older gentleman who always seemed to be on the edge of some emotion. The second he saw you, he flung himself at you and made you swear you were to never scare him to the point of turning his hair grey ever again. It took you promising five times before he let you head to your station.

You weren’t surprised to see Amber sitting at the desk. However, you were surprised to see that she had surrounded herself with a wall of binders and notebooks while she typed away at the computer.

“Are you preparing for an invasion?”

“No, you have to stay away,” Amber cried in the most melodramatic tone she could muster. “You can’t come near me. Flee while you can!”

You tried to contain your laughter with truly little success. “Okay? What happened since I showered? Were you exposed to something or are you just being weird?”

“No, you just have to avoid me! I’m dangerous! I’m a girl with tattoos,” she exclaimed, holding her heavily tattooed arms out for display. “You have to avoid me!”

You almost fell over from how strong you rolled your eyes. “You must have seen Mr. Young this morning.”

“Well, someone had to since you decided to be an action star. And he was extremely disappointed to not see you.”

You sat down in the chair next to her and wrapped your arms around her and rested your chin on her shoulder. “I’ll pop in on him later. For the record, I like your tattoos. I think they’re super cool.”

“Don’t think you being cute with all those compliments are gonna distract me from your stupidity. What the heck were you thinking?”

“I know,” you sighed, “I’m sorry that I worried you.”

“Worried? That doesn’t even begin to describe that. You didn’t answer my call this morning. Then, I get a text from a random number, apparently you. Only to find out about the shooting. I had a feeling something bad was gonna happen this morning. Spill it, Y/N. What happened?” You gave your friend a quick recap from when you left your building to when the police found you behind the counter trying to keep the young man conscious. You decided to leave out the creepy encounter with the man with the cane and the encounter with the other gang member you had hit with the crowbar; you didn’t want her to worry any more than she already was. The entire time, Amber’s face was stern and she had crossed her arms over her chest. “See, this is why you should have just stayed with me at my loft. You’re all alone down there. Clearly I was right about it not being safe.”

“Don’t be like that. I know you keep saying that you didn’t mind me staying with you, but it was time for me to start trying to live my life again. It may not be as nice as your place but it’s mine. And, this incident excluded, nothing bad has ever happened. It’s just that I couldn’t stop thinking about what I went through and being stronger than the bullies. You taught me that.”

“Yeah but I didn’t mean going against a gun wielding psycho. It was a metaphor for the nightmares and that piece of shit you call an ex.”

“I’ll remember that for next time.” You flashed Amber some pleading eyes and pouting lip. “I’m really sorry.”

Amber groaned, but smiled back at you. “You’re lucky I like you. But I get one more bad feeling, I’m dragging you back and never letting you out of my sight.” She slid you a cup of coffee that you greedily took. You were sure that you had lost your tumbler somewhere at the bus stop, never to be seen again. “By the way, what was the random number you texted from? Did you get a new phone without telling me?”

You almost choked on your coffee. You had hoped she wouldn’t have asked about that, knowing full well she was not going to be happy about the answer. You cursed at yourself for texting her from it. But with her staring at you, you knew you couldn’t get around it. You reached into your pocket and handed it to her. She, instantly, knew what it was and snatched it from you.

“Why do you have this still? I thought you got rid of it?”

“I didn’t mean to grab it. I was in a hurry this morning and it fell into my bag. I left the one you gave me at home and didn’t have time to go back up and get it.”

“But you had time to run after gun shots?” She tapped around on the screen. “All the settings are back to normal. The locations and notifications are back on, too. Did he call you? Look at all the voice mails.”

“I didn’t call him. The last message was days ago. I just texted you and read a couple messages. Don’t give me that look, Amber. I was just curious. I have no desire to call him or see him. I’m starting to get somewhat normal. Last thing I want is to fall back into a bad mind set. I just read a few texts to see what he was saying while I was walking. I swear, that’s all. Don’t worry about the settings. He’s not as smart or as tech savvy as you. He couldn’t grasp the concept of emojis, I doubt he’s gonna try anything you’re thinking of. I honestly just needed a phone for today. When I get home, it’s getting shut off and it’s going away for good.”

“He’s such a scuzzball, trying to still contact you after all that. This would be less stressful if you gave me his address. I’ll kick his ass up and down the coastline for what he did.”

“I don’t doubt that. But I have to listen to the group’s advice and just let it go. And I think it’s time I try to focus on other things. That’s the way I’m gonna start to really get better, right?” You had been saying that for a while now, not really knowing how to move on or if you could. But something had changed. You couldn’t help but think back to the gang member, and how he reminded you of Daniel in those last moments you were together. There was a sense of relief and freedom that you just couldn’t help but relish in. It had almost been a cathartic experience that your body needed, the strength to take back yourself. To give back what you felt, to let all that rage and hate that you held deep inside out. It may not have healed you completely, but it was a start.

The two of you started going over the case load for the day. Even as short staffed as you were, Amber had taken care of most of the early duties: checking on patients, dropping off medicine, and dealing with Mr. Young. You started going through the new files that were stacked on the station while Amber read the report from some of the other floors. It was interesting to see what was happening elsewhere in the ever-busy hospital. There was nothing about your gunshot victim yet, and you crossed your fingers that he was going to be alright. No news was good news, you figured. Amber had started talking about the new U4-1A cases that had been admitted since you were last there. There were four more cases since your last shift. And one of the new cases didn’t make it past 2 days. U4-1A was a highly addictive drug that played off of peoples’ want to feel good and exploited it to deadly consequences.

“I can’t believe how many cases there are now.”

“Tell me about it. It’s the new hot thing on the streets. Everyone wants to find ‘Euphoria’.”

You gave Amber a confused look. “Find ‘Euphoria’? Is that what they call it?”

Amber grabbed a paper and wrote it out. “Yeah, it makes sense when you look at it and read it out. Change the 1 to an I, and it says euphoria. It sounds better when you’re trying to score without drawing attention, I guess. Remember that one guy who was going through withdrawals at the underground club? He kept asking me if I could ‘help him find Euphoria’.”

“Seems way too intense for a club drug. If it’s supposed to be like ecstasy and make you feel really good, why does it make you go through the worst kind of side effects and an even worse withdrawal?”

“The theory the cops believe now is that it was made, primarily, for the sex trade industry. Very little doses make you feel nice and all that. But pure U4-1A does all that and more. It needs to work its way out of the system fast else it causes heart failure and other bad things. Whoever made it added chemicals that affect the brain and senses, so the user loses all inhibitions and is in a constant state of intense arousal. So much so that the user is willing to do anything to find a release with anyone. I heard Mary, the lady who’s been on the most U4-1A cases has had to do a lot of things just shy of actually fucking them. That considered, it makes sense that it would have started in the sex industry; a willing participant is better than one that fights in their eyes.”

It was true that U4-1A, or Euphoria, made people feel euphoric and intensified the pleasure of touch. But from what you had heard from Amber and some of the other nurses, when the patients are under the influence of the powder, they beg anyone to do any kind of sexual act to help them chase the feeling. Whatever sick bastard who created it made it so the user couldn’t find relief on their own, either. Another hospital had thought that if the patients were aroused that it should be enough to let them handle it on their own, since it seemed release was the way to increase the heart rate and move the substance through the system. But the first few patients were in distress for hours until their hearts gave out from the effects of the chemicals in their blood. Doctor Na had been trying to see if any kind of physical activity, outside of sexual, could be the key to rehabilitating the Euphoria addicts. But it hadn’t seemed to be working. With more cases rising, there didn’t seem to be a treatment unless you had only the smallest amount. And survivors from the withdrawal seemed to be just as slim. The patients went through intense fevers, tremors, breathing problems, and pain without the substance. One of Central’s patients didn’t last two days of withdrawals.

“I’m telling you,” Amber went on, drawing you out of your thoughts, “I don’t care who or how many are rocking my world or how long since my last date. No orgasm is worth dying for.”

You let out a small chuckle at her attempt to push away from a not-so-fun topic. You nodded your head in agreement, though you couldn’t really remember the last time you had experienced anything other than a kiss from your ex. You could feel Amber’s eyes on you as you shuffled through the rest of the files.

“So, speaking of orgasms,” she segwayed, leaning over with an eyebrow arched, “since you seem to be ready to start making some changes in your life, when are we gonna get you out for a date night?”

“I didn’t say I was ready for a relationship.”

“Whoa, who said anything about a relationship? I’m just saying have some fun, get a dinner, meet someone and start getting more confident with yourself. I have some friends I could set you up with. All of them are sweet and know I would kill them if they tried anything.”

You hadn’t really thought about dating or anything like that. You had been so focused on healing your mind and getting settled into a new routine that it hadn’t even crossed your mind. You want to tell her ‘No’ but you found yourself considering it. Maybe it would be a good idea to just try to hang out with someone other than Amber. “I don’t know…,” you mused.

That was all Amber needed. “Let’s just imagine. What’s your type? I mean, besides the complete opposite of your ex.”

“I don’t really think I have a type. I know that Daniel was my friend and we were always together, so I think that’s why we started dating. But I don’t think I have one other than being a nice guy.”

“Okay, let’s think about this. How about my friend Bryce?” You made a face, remembering the one time you met Eric when Amber and you went shopping and he spilled his drink all over you. “Okay, maybe not. How about Lee or Michael?”

“They’re nice, I think.”

“Oh, what about Dean from the kitchen staff? He’s so hot!”

“The guy with the guitar and the smooth voice? The one who flirts with everyone and shows off his tattoos? Yeah, he’s definitely hot. Maybe too hot for someone like me. I feel like you two would fit together better.”

“Stop that, you are so cute. I’d date you. I’d even give you a kiss goodnight.” Amber moved in to kiss you on the cheek, only to find her rolling chair being pushed by your foot. “Fine, see if I kiss you ever again. How about Eric from the pediatric ward? I’ve seen you two talk and he’s really easy to be around. Ooh, or Chris? You know, the one with the cute accent and hot body to match? I think you two would be able to reach your own version of euphoria.”

“Ok, I’m done with you. You are ridiculous. I have patients to get to. And, even if I didn’t, I would rather get hit on by Mr. Young than have you start talking about me and some random guy.”

Amber busted out laughing as you grabbed some charts and all but ran from the desk. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep workshopping it. This is just the next project in the ‘make my precious friend feel normal’ plan.”

Despite the way your day had begun, your shift was free of any real excitement. And to be honest, you were happy to have a normal shift. You handed out medicine when it was time, changed the dressing of a girl who had been in a car accident, and took the time to pop in on Mr. Young since he was so upset that you hadn’t been there that morning. You figured listening to the old man’s reveries from his youth was a good punishment for your tardiness. Though, as you sat there, you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to the blond man. You wondered if he was still in the O.R. or if he had been moved. Were his injuries as bad as you thought or worse? You wanted to go see if Doctor Na was out of surgery and if there was any news. Stop it, you scolded yourself, stop focusing so much on that. Just do your job. Stay calm. You pushed yourself to go through the motions of your job, putting your body on autopilot as you tried not to think about him anymore. For the most part, it seemed to work; every time you blinked, you were off to the next task. Even as Amber dragged you away for a quick lunch, you focused extra hard as your friend excitedly recounted her night of online gaming, and her ever continuing feud with Seagull-eye97. Based on the color in Amber’s cheeks as she complained about them snipping her during their last dual, it was a struggle.

By the afternoon, you had enough distractions to not think too much about the blond stranger. Amber had found out that Dr. Na was no longer in the OR, and it seemed like everything was alright. You felt some relief from such small information. While the thought to check up on the stranger popped back into your mind, you decided to stick to your plan to let the universe decide if you were going to meet again.

And the universe had it’s funny way of making that happen.

You were back at the station helping one of the patients get discharged. She was a nice girl who had been in a car accident and was finally being released. You were printing out the doctor’s orders and getting her prescriptions in order when one of the girl’s friends, one you had seen during visiting hours often, came to take her home. As you handed the friend the paperwork, you noticed they had matching tattoos, a Roman numeral II, on different parts of their arms. They called them friendship tattoos and you thought that was cute. Though, you weren’t sure if you would get one with Amber anytime soon. Once the girls were gone, you sat back at the station to finish up your paperwork.

A voice caught your attention and made you look up towards the hallway that led to the elevator. Doctor Henry Na stepped off with a few other nurses, talking quietly and laughing about something you couldn’t hear. You couldn’t help but find yourself smiling at the sight of him. And not just because it further proved that he had finished up the surgery. Henry was someone you had come to be friendly with, like with Amber. He was one of the nicest people you had been introduced to and he made a point to see you on your shift. He was tall and broad, with a smile that was just as kind as his demeanor. He had shared many coffee breaks talking about things, getting your mind from whatever was making it panic, never making you feel like he was just going through the motions. You couldn’t help but feel a certain way whenever he was around, something you couldn’t remember feeling before. A feeling of safety and happiness. Amber’s conversation from earlier seemed to pop into your mind about your type of man. Based on the excited feeling that crept up into you, you couldn’t deny that you liked him. But so did everyone else in the hospital and he probably didn’t see you that way. He had glanced over towards the station and gave you a little wave as he finished his conversation. And that butterfly feeling intensified.

“Why do you look like that?”

Amber had the strangest ability of just appearing out of nowhere at the worst moment. You felt yourself jump and heat rise in your cheeks. You tried to hide yourself in your hands but Amber followed where you had been staring at. And a teasing smirk appeared as she put the pieces together.

“I guess I figured out your type. Look at you going for the most eligible bachelor in this hospital. I like it; skip the boy and go right for the man.”

“You are so embarrassing! We’re friends. He’s just nice to me. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to be with someone with such baggage.”

“I don’t know. You should have seen the way he looked at you when you started blushing.”

You went to shove her away as she started making kissy faces at you, when you noticed Na shaking hands with one of the nurses and starting towards the station. Your body acted on its own in an excited and nervous frenzy, as you reached into your pants pocket and pulled out a small bottle of body spray you had brought with you after changing and ducked down. You sprayed the lily scented water over yourself, trying to rid yourself of the sterile smell of your clothes. You froze when you felt Amber’s smug and judging glance. “What? I like to smell nice and I forgot to spray some this morning after I changed.”

“Sure, honey. Hi, Henry,” she greeted and you sat straight up.

“Hi Amber, Y/N,” he greeted back, his gaze fixed on you. “How are things going up here?”

“Oh you know, same old stuff. Though, I think I left my pen somewhere. I should go find it. You two talk.” And she abandoned you, throwing you a thumbs up and some faces that you had to remember to beat her for.

“Hi, Doctor Na,” you said, “did everything go ok this morning?”

“I feel like I should be asking you that. I heard you ran into the building with an active shooter. That’s something I never thought I’d hear you doing.”

“You and everyone else it would seem. I just wanted to help and let my body run on autopilot.”

“Well, it was tough in there for a bit but, because of you, our John Doe is going to see another day. He’s responding well and I had him moved from post op. He lost a lot of blood and he’s gonna be in some pain for a bit. We have him on some pain medicine that’s going to have him out for a while. But he was responding to the outer stimulus. I think they’re moving him to the room at the end of the hall. Can you just promise me that you won’t worry me like that ever again? I don’t like the thought of someone as sweet as you doing something so dangerous. How are you feeling, honestly? Anxious at all? Anything you want to talk about? I haven’t had any luck identifying that prescription yet, and my friend in the pharmacy hasn’t gotten back to me yet. So, I just want to make sure you’re good.”

He knew your anxiety had been active since you had come to him to try to find exactly what your medicine was. His calming eyes looked down at you with concern. “I’m alright,” you said, trying to control the color in your cheeks as you tried to maintain eye contact, “when I got here, I just jumped into work so I didn’t have time to think about anything else. I’m okay, thank you, Doctor Na.”

“I thought we talked about you calling me Henry, remember? See that’s what I like about you, Y/N. You care so much about everyone else. You really are a good nurse. I just wish you’d do the same for yourself. I suppose I’ll have to make sure you’re really ok. How about we talk about it over dinner this week?”

You’re sure you must have looked like a deer in the headlights. “What?”

“Well, someone who risks their own safety to help others should get some kind of reward, shouldn’t they? Figured why not let me treat you for once. How about it? Maybe we can talk about other things, too. Not work related? Maybe get to know each other better?”

You felt like the whole world had just turned upside down. Was the most handsome doctor who you had been friendly with over the last few months just asking you out? You, out of every other good-looking person in this hospital? Did he actually ask you out? The way he was looking at you, like he was nervous you’d say ‘no’, made it seem that way. He had been extra attentive recently. And Amber was always saying you were kind of oblivious when it came to flirting having not really experienced it. You, suddenly, found yourself too nervous to say anything, and nodded. His smile returned, all wide and excited, which made you shyly smile back.

True to her fashion, Amber came slipping back into the conversation, which you were happy with, fearing you’d burn a hole in the ground with how hot your cheeks were. “Okay, you guys look far too cute over here. Time to get back to work. Did you have a reason for coming to our side of the floor, Henry, or are you just gonna make goo-goo eyes at everyone?”

Henry cleared his throat, trying to hide his slight awkwardness. “I was telling Y/N that we moved that patient to this floor for recovery. He should be in the last room down that hall. And I was hoping she wouldn’t mind taking this to his room?” He placed a clear bag on the station. It had the patient’s personal effects in it. “I figured that since she was with him, he might be more comfortable with someone he recognizes.”

You nodded and took the bag from him. “I’ll keep an eye on him for you.”

“I’d appreciate that. Umm… I’ll get back to my rounds now, before I’m banished by Amber here. I’ll talk to my friend about that prescription and see you later, Y/N.” He turned to leave with a little wave at you and Amber. Before he got too far, he turned over his shoulder. “Nice perfume, by the way, Y/N. It really suits you.”

He made a quick exit as Amber made a funny noise and you were alone with her gaze on you and a smile on your face.

“You two should really get a room. Like the one at your apartment or his. I can just imagine it.”

“You are so awful. He just asked me to get dinner. It may not even be a date. He’s just being nice, I’m sure.”

“Please, he wants to talk about non work related stuff. Plus, I saw the way he was looking at you. He thinks you’re cute. And you are still blushing. Trust me, I know.”

‘We’ll see about that.” You looked at the bag in front of you. It had ‘John Doe’ written on it. There was a wallet, cellphone, a watch, and a few pieces of jewelry. The EMT’s had cut his shirt open to get to his injuries, and you were sure the rest of his clothes were being held for the police, whenever they came to get evidence and statements. You thought it was odd you hadn’t seen any since you left the construction site. You opened the bag and pulled out the wallet, hoping to find some kind of name. The wallet was empty, save for a few dollars and a key card. You reached for his phone. It was dead. You reached into your desk and pulled out a spare cord and power bank. There had to be something on there to figure out who he was or get ahold of someone who did. You plugged it in and put it back in the bag. You pushed off from the desk and made for the room at the end of the hall.

The room was dark when you entered, save for the dim light above the bed and the glow from the heart monitor. You pushed the privacy curtain aside, and were welcomed by the sight of the blond stranger that had occupied the edges of your mind. The bed made him seem so small and his pale skin made him appear so fragile. His eyes were closed, but the steady rise and fall of his chest gave you some relief. His hair was still damp from where the staff had rinsed the blood from his hair. There was a bandage near his hairline. The cuts on his face had been treated and the bruising was much more visible now. There was an oxygen cannula tube strapped across his face and nose. And you could just see the edge of bandages peeking out from under the patient’s uniform they had dressed him in. He looked awful but he was alive, and you were so relieved you thought you might cry.

“So, this is the man you ran into gun fire for?” Amber followed you in with his chart in her hand. “I can understand why.”

“I’m so happy he’s ok. He looked so bad when the ambulance came. I promised him he’d be ok, that I’d get him out.”

Amber patted you on the shoulder, giving you a sympathetic smile. “He’s gonna be fine. Hopefully, he wakes up soon, then you can stop worrying so much. And we can get a real name for him. He doesn’t look like a John. We should give him a nickname. With hair like that, I’d rather call him ‘popstar’.”

“I think his name is Agust. Someone kept saying they were looking for Agust. I assume that’s him.”

“He looks more like an Agust than a John.” Amber took out her pen and started making some changes. “Agust Doe. No, that sounds weird. How about just Agust D? Sounds more like a pop star name doesn’t it?”

You nodded your head; Agust D sounded better than a blank identity. Amber placed his file at the end of the bed, and patted your shoulder. You gave a reassuring smile before she decided to leave the room. And you were alone with the blond stranger, or Agust. You took a couple steps closer to the bed, worried that he might wake up. But he didn’t; he continued to sleep in the drug induced state. In this forced, relaxed form, you couldn’t deny he was more handsome than your initial thought at your first meeting. Leaning forward over his form, your fingers reached out to check the bandage near his hairline, moving some of the stray blond hairs aside. You had no doubt that the others had done an exceptional job, but an odd sense of protectiveness made you look at everything extra close. Must be because of what happened earlier, you had concluded. There was an IV bag hanging above the bed, along with a transfusion bag replacing what he had lost. Absentmindedly, your fingers had slowly moved across his hair and down to his cheek. You were glad that it wasn’t as cold and clammy as it had been.

“See, I told you I was gonna get you out. Now, you need to make sure you get better soon so you tell me everything,” you said with a small smile. The boy in the bed inhaled deeply, before pressing his cheek further into your light touch. The sudden movement startled you. “Agust? Can you hear me?”

But he was still again. And your question was overtaken by the soft beep of the instruments around him.

Suddenly, a shrill ring exploded in the room, making you jump back away from the bed as if you had been shocked. You whirled round trying to find what was causing it. Your eyes caught the flash of light on the end table beside you. It was the cell phone. Had it turned on by itself once it had enough power? Odd as it was, someone was trying to get a hold of him and you knew you should make sure they came to be with him. Maybe they knew what he was doing at the construction site and who had attacked him. You reached into the bag and pulled the phone out. The screen was flashing with a contact name, ‘God of Destruction’, and with a notification that this number had called multiple times, as well as other numbers over the last few hours. You slid your fingers across the screen and brought the phone up to your ear.

Before you could say anything, your ears were bombarded with multiple voices all speaking in a chaotic chorus. One voice, whomever had the phone, spoke loudly over the din. “Hyung! Finally, I was so scared. Where are you? Are you okay? Tell me what the bastard did and I’ll fuck him up so bad.”

Someone else had pulled the phone closer to them. “Hyung, I’m so sorry. We should have never split up..”

Another struggle for the phone and another voice that sounded older than the last rang in over the continuing strings of conversations they were all trying to have. “Yah! Where have you been?! What were you doing, getting a coffee instead of giving us some kind of sign that you were alive?! You prick!”

The first voice must have got the phone back, as his was the most dominant voice again. “Guys, shut up, I can’t hear anything. Hyung, say something. Where are you?”

“Hello,” you responded in a small voice.

The chaotic voices all stopped, and for a moment you were scared the call had dropped. The voice seemed to drop into a serious octave. “Who is this?”

“Umm… my name is Y/N. I’m a nurse at Central Mercy Hospital. We brought the owner of this phone here after he was involved in a shooting.”

“Is he okay?” It was a different voice, sounding genuinely concerned.

“He needed emergency surgery. But we have him stable now. But he’s gonna need someone here. Are you his family or someone who can get here?”

“You said Central Mercy? What level is he on now? Who’s the doctor who saw him?” You gave him what he had asked for. “Alright, listen to me very closely. I’ll be there as fast as I can. Stay calm but do exactly as I say and it’ll be okay. Do not let anyone enter that room but you or this Doctor Na until I get there, do you understand me?”

You felt a little annoyed that he was ordering you around, but there was something in his tone that gave you the sense that this was not a joke and something to take seriously. “And who are you.”

“Call me RM.” Then the line went dead.

#bts fanfic #bts fic #bts imagines #bts mafia au #bts mafia fic #yoongi x reader #bangtan boys #ot7 x reader #min yoongi #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungguk #amber liu #bangtan fanfic #bemylight #elphiej

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rougaroules · 2 years

Text

Request Guidelines

Requests: OPEN

Hey! I’m Rou—a relatively new writer in the Arcane fandom. I’ve recently begun to try my hand at Reader POV stories, and I’ve found that I quite enjoy writing them! I wanted to put together a handy-little guide as to what I’m willing to write, my comforts and strengths, and some of my weaknesses. When submitting a request, you can be as detailed or as vague as you would like when it comes to the reader-insert and the plot.

If I see one that sticks out to me (either as something I’m comfortable with already, or would simply like to give a try), I’m more than happy to write it, but a submission is not a guarantee that it’ll get done!

Take a look under the cut for more information!

Characters

The people I’m comfortable writing~ They go in descending order, from the people I’m most practiced with to those I’m least practiced with!

Sevika

Grayson

Jinx*

Caitlyn Kiramman

Ambessa Medarda

Mel Medarda

Polyamory OK!

* Will not write explicit content for Jinx as she’s underage (in my country, at least) in the series. It’s just a matter of comfort for me!

I would prefer to write female characters for any of my reader stories. I’m not against writing a trans-headcanon of characters that appear traditionally masculine in the series, but I would prefer not to because I don’t really identify as trans myself, despite being non-binary (I pass feminine/androgynous and don’t deal with many “trans” issues or experiences myself despite having mild dysphoria, if that makes sense?)

Reader

I will only write female reader content. However, you’re welcome to suggest any attributes or personalities or whatnot when you submit your request. Again, I’m a bit uncomfortable with writing a trans-reader just because I’m unfamiliar with the experience, but it’s not a hard-no.

I will not write explicit/suggestive content with an underage reader. Please respect my boundaries!

Scenarios & Ratings

Happy to write any rating, with any sort of tone (though I’m least practiced with fluff-content and most practiced with hurt/comfort, angst, or just generally moody tones). I would prefer not to write too AU, as I do like Arcane and it’s setting, but IDK for the right prompt I could definitely do something like a modern-AU or whatnot.

If your request is explicit, I do have some boundaries:

OK with the following kinks/scenes/dynamics

Power-play, Domination/Submission***

Consensual Voyeurism/Exhibitionism

Bondage

Mild Pain-play

Edging/Teasing

Mild Pet-play (Collars, Leashes—not really behavior?)

***I’m okay with writing a reader with an age difference between the character and them, but I won’t write age-play/regression or anything that implies the reader is underage. Having a depth of experience between characters can be hot to me, but not when it comes off as pedophilic.

NOT OK with the following kinks/scenes/dynamics

Age-play/regression

Scat

Teacher/Student

Mother/Daughter

Inflation and other fetish content?

List is not exhaustive, if you have a question feel free to ask but if it’s kind of out there the answer is probably no. I’m kind of vanilla myself, so I’m a bit of a baby when it comes to kink-content LMAO.

IDK how I feel, so suggest it, but don’t be surprised if I’m not down?

Omegaverse (Maybe with Non-traditional Dynamics, but IDK)

Breeding kinks

Harem

List is not exhaustive, if you have a question feel free to ask!

I also actually prefer not to do “imagine” style posts as I’m, by nature, a bit of a lengthy writer? Imagines are a little too short for me to feel super at ease doing them!

Requests will be filled and posted to my account on AO3, and promoted in a link with the summary/original request/and other basic information on my tumblr! They’ll be tagged with #request, so you can easily search for them!

#arcanefandom #arcane requests #requests open!#arcanefic #arcane x reader #rougaroules

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ghostietea · 3 years

Note

akito headcanons

Ok here's a few I came up with because I already dumped a ton into a different ask

- not to the level of the zodiac but the various animals did have a level of draw to her since she was God. Got super paranoid after Kureno's curse broke about the birds and started carrying around birdseed to entice them but now all the estate birds see her and are like :) the bearer of tasties :) and that's why they'll land on her hand and stuff.

-has trouble remembering her father's face and that's why it's always blanked out in the flashbacks. Ren took pretty much all of the good photos of him.

-While cursed she'd sometimes get a tiny offhand memory fragment that wasn't hers, or know something from long ago that she shouldn't. Just very, very minor echoes from the God spirit but they made her feel really weird and more distanced from reality/her identity.

-one time fell asleep lounging with her arm out the window and got a sunburn on her hand

-liked to sometimes patrol around the estate like a little creep but when she sensed someone she'd pause where she was so it looks like she'd been there the whole time. This has gotten to the point that sometimes it seemed like she could teleport but no just a snoop with nothing to do all day.

-tries to go out more postcanon but has to take a little hat or parasol because she doesn't like the sun

- because she's short-ish and androgynous when she starts going out more she gets temporarily mistaken as a highschool boy sometimes from afar even into her late 20s. Dies a little inside every time.

- does not grasp how hot she is after spending her entire life cooped up almost exclusively with other hot ppl. Vaguely knows she's attractive but also looks like someone she hates and has conflicted feelings about the fact that she was passed off as a boy for so long. Paranoid that people somehow sense evil vibes on her because strangers look at her like 😳.

-Met Mine through Hanajima who knew her from the play and hangs out with her several times before learning that she's Ayame's gf

- one time when she was young she secretly thought she and Yuki might be related

-forgot Ritsu existed like twice

-watched Mogeta before it was cool

-jealous of Ayame's talisman

-cologne and perfume give her headaches

-gets invited to a girls movie night for the first time by the 🌸🐟🍙 trio and is like ah yes my friends I will show my affection for them and then lies down across their laps because she doesn't entirely grasp what the social norms for physical contact are. Thing is those 3 are also weirdos and don't care.

-sounds grumpier than she actually is half the time because she pitches her voice down

-when Tohru moves away Hana starts hanging around the estate with her and intimidates the fuck out of the stuffy old Sohma without even trying

-paints her nails black sometimes postcanon because of Hana but it's usually chipped because she picks at them and doesn't re paint often

-listen. You know the loose open front button down look? It's just like a translation of how she wears her kimono. Let postcanon Akito wear the tits out fit.

-whenever she's really trying to be nice she accidentally half mimics Tohru's speech patterns/tone.

-tired of getting asked if she's ok by well meaning middle aged ladies that see her out in the wilds. Not helped by the fact that she has an instinctive apprehension for older women that she perceives as parent-ish.

-thinks female hysteria is an actual disease

-used to collect embarrassing "blackmail" photos of the zodiac and just pull out the album and be like ohhoho look at this bad picture I have of you isn't it stupid hehe and then the zodiac member would have to be like 😑 yes Akito. That's why she wanted the dumb festival picture of Yuki and Kyo.

-filed her nails into points like claws from ages 12-15

-was one of those ppl who is like "oh so you don't want me to mess with (dangerous weapon)?) *starts listing off how to turn all the household items in the room deadly.*

-does a few destructive fidgety things like chewing on pencil ends when she's writing or ripping pieces off of paper

-if she'd been raised a girl her name would have been Tsubaki

-during canon she owns one pair of shoes, mostly because she doesn't go places but also she just doesn't like wearing shoes.

-actually has a really nice smile when she's being genuine

#akito sohma #ask

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vincentbriggs · 4 years

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Hello Vince! I've been researching these questions for a while to no avail and was wondering if you had advice, as a fellow trans person into historical fashion. The first, is that as a nonbinary person I'd like to make clothes with an androgynous/genderfuck silhouette but am not sure how to achieve that, if you have any tips.(1/2)

The second, larger problem, is that as a nonbinary person, I have a “nonstandard” body. I’m dfab and have had top surgery but am not on T. I am quite short (5'2") with wide hips. My attempts at drafting patterns and making mockups from men’s patterns have gone atrociously (I was attempting some 1908 breeches.) How have you found success in making/drafting historical clothing with a trans body™? (2/2)

Hello! Ok. First thing you need to know is that there’s no such thing as a “standard body”. It’s not a thing, and it never has been.

Clothing companies may try to pretend it is, but all they’re doing is making stuff that kind-of-sort-of fits a lot of people, but hardly fits well on anybody at all. (The same is true of commercial sewing patterns, although there is much more potential to change stuff with those.) Look around and you’ll see that people come in an infinite variety of shapes and sizes. Different heights, different weights, different proportions, and varying degrees of asymmetry.

Mass produced garments are going by statistical averages, and people just come in too many shapes to make that work. It’s why I have a job doing alterations for a suit store. It’s probably why unstructured, loosely fitted, and/or stretch knit garments are so common nowadays. (That, and it’s easier to wash them. And easier to make them cheaply in sweatshops. I want to punch the fast fashion industry in the face, but I digress.)

People have always come in a huge variety of shapes, all throughout history, but up until whenever mass production became the norm (late 19th and early 20th century I think? It happened gradually.) they had the advantage of having their clothes made specifically to fit them. Unless they could only afford secondhand clothes, but even then they’d probably alter them to fit.

And trans people existed back then too, and people cross dressed for various reasons. “Breeches roles” for actresses were hugely common in theatre, so I think it’s safe to say that breeches can be made to go over wide hips just fine.

I haven’t seen any of your pattern attempts and I don’t know how many you’ve done, but I can say with some degree of confidence that you’re having trouble because it’s your first attempt at a rather difficult thing that takes some time and practice to get good at. We all start out by sewing and drafting horrible stuff! Do not despair! Pattern drafting is a wonderful skill to have, and after enough bad patterns you will get to good ones! It’s a whole entire human you’re putting fabric around, and it takes some practice to develop an eye for what shapes work best on you, and how to correct various fit issues.

Here’s my pattern drafting method:

I usually use pattern diagrams from The Cut of Men’s Clothes, Costume Close Up, or the LACMA pattern project. All 3 of these sources have nice little scaled down diagrams of pieces traced from extant historical garments, and I start by tracing those onto a small sheet of printer paper. I get a reference picture or several of a similar garment. Preferably a portrait of someone wearing it, or the garment displayed well on a mannequin. I then stand in front of the biggest mirror in the house (wearing everything I’d be wearing under that garment) and imagine that garment on me, and where all the edges and seams are. I get my measuring tape and I measure various bits of the imaginary pattern pieces, and mark these measurements down on my little diagram. Here’s what the one for my yellow striped waistcoat looks like.

Once I’ve got a satisfactory amount of measurements marked down, I go to my big roll of stiff brown butcher paper and I draw out the pattern pieces full size according to these measurements. It’s ok if the measurements don’t all line up perfectly, because it’s awkward to measure yourself in front of a mirror, so they aren’t all exact.

The important thing is to get the lines nice and smooth, and approximately where they should be, and to get the overall shapes similar to the diagram pattern pieces in a way that fits your proportions. They won’t be exactly the same as the diagram in the book because nobody is shaped exactly the same as whoever wore the original garment. For the above waistcoat I had to flare the hips out waay more than on the inspiration pattern, but when it’s on me that’s not really noticeable because it fits. (Mostly. I still need to work on the shoulders..) I then mock it up in crappy thrift store fabric or old bedsheets, and the past few times I’ve done patterns this way I’ve found them to fit surprisingly well, needing only a few small alterations. I’m very visual, so this method works for me, but other people may prefer different methods.

In college we learned to draft modern patterns with math formulas, but I don’t like doing that, and the basic blocks we did then aren’t super helpful for historical cuts anyways. I know that for the 19th and 20th centuries there are lots and lots of tailoring books available that have drafting instructions, but as I have not yet dipped my toes into the 19th century I can’t really comment on them.

However you’re drafting, be sure to look at lots and lots and lots of reference pictures from the era so that you get a good picture in your head of what the fit and cut is supposed to be like. Things fit differently in different eras. For example, 18th century coat sleeves are cut much tighter than modern ones, and with a considerably smaller armhole. (Which actually gives you a far better range of motion.) They don’t have any shoulder padding either. And 18th century breeches have wrinkles at the crotch, it’s just part of how they fit.

Alright, I think that’s all I’ve got to say on patterning for now. And now to address the question of androgynous silhouettes! I really don’t want to fall into the trap of equating “androgynous” with “masculine”, but most of the things that immediately come to mind are historical menswear because they’ve got drastically different silhouettes that don’t read as very masculine to the average modern onlooker. One of the things that made me start on a 1730′s project was the early 18th century silhouette. (That, and the lure of Huge Coat Cuffs) Just look at those adorably poofy coat skirts!

Antoine Hérisset, 1729, Rijksmuseum.

The early-to-mid 19th century is another great period for men’s silhouettes. Tiny waists and softly rounded chests (you see padding in a lot of the waistcoats) were in, and the men in the fashion plates are drawn with doll faces, dainty little feet, and pretty substantial hips. Behold:

(1834) I’d like to do an 1830′s outfit someday, and to make a pair of mens stays for it.

Here’s another one so you can see The Hips. The darn source link isn’t working, but this is from Costume Parisien, 1823.

Young man’s cotton summer jacket, c. late 1840′s.

Depending on how concerned you are about foolish comments from random strangers, there’s also the second half of the 17th century to consider. What could be more androgynous than a vaguely human shaped wad of fabric and frills?

I Cannot find the source for this but it’s a French engraving c. 1660.

Now, I am less educated on historical women’s fashion, but I know that those shapeless little 1920′s dresses were going for a more androgynous look. Flat chests and short hair for girls was fashionable, and you can see the beginnings of that boxier silhouette in the 1910′s.

1910′s women’s suits are magnificent.

Walking suit, c. 1912, V&A.

And riding habits! From the 17th to the 19th century (and maybe beyond, I don’t know) women’s riding habits had the same style lines as mens suits, but were made with the silhouette of a dress, and it looks very sharp. (Especially the 18th century ones, but I’m biased.) They usually consist of a jacket and matching skirt.

Wow that is a much longer answer than I expected to write. I must make an FAQ page so people can find these more easily.

I hope this was helpful, and I wish you all possible success in future pattern drafting endeavours!

#echojar #ask #sewing #transgender #pattern drafting #long post

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skinnyskinnydip · 4 years

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Some thoughts that got clearer in my head since taking a break from tumblr:

First, I cut my hair short!! :) I am so happy about it. I always loved an androgynous look and short hair is super practical for my current lifestyle. Sad thing is, with the rather "feminine" and curvy body I have currently (especially my thighs, since I carry most of my fat there) I don't feel truly androgynous yet. This is another reason why I want to lose some weight.

I dont think curvy or rather not skinny girls aren't beautiful, on the contrary, if one has the right proportions it's sensual and pretty. It is just not something for me. It is not my ideal. I know I should love my body but I just can't. Despite being "thicc" is in and I fit that aesthetic, I do not fit MY aesthetic! And that's the thing that counts the most.

It's ok if you do not want to look 100% like the thinspo you reblog. I don't want long hair, I don't want full breasts, and a waist - hip definition. I want people to look at me think, this person is cool! Not pretty or beautiful or girly or cute. (I do not identify as trans or non-binary or anything like that) Still, I reblog girly girls, because maybe I like their stomach or thighs. This blog is for me and me alone. No justification or explanation needed.

#ana #mia #thin #skinny #ana things #thinspo #justusingthetags

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alienpupy · 4 years

Photo

Ok so i wanted to make a post to highlight how far my fursona has come in terms of design, and how it also showcases my artistic ability improving and reflects, in a way, my relationship to my gender over the past few years.

This is gonna b long and personal so I’m putting it below the cut (plus image descriptions of course, the alt. text function doesn’t allow super long descriptions)

(image description:

A poorly-drawn reference sheet of an anthropomorphic, skinny raccoon, though they look more like a cat that fell in a bucket of beige, green, and purple paint. Their body is the beige-brown colour, and their paws are green, as if they were wearing gloves. Their hair is the same shade, and their tail is striped green and brown. They are wearing a purple t-shirt, green shorts, and a sleeveless black jacket. They have heterochromia, one eye is green, and the other, purple. The colour palette is all over the place and poorly designed. The image is captioned “Mint: raccoon, 5 foot 5, androgynous (I hope)”.

An updated version of the previous reference. The character still looks more like a cat than a raccoon, and the colour palette is still bizarre, but the execution of it is a bit better.

Yet another updated version of this character’s design. This time, they look more like a fox than a cat, the ears have fluff at the tips. the colour palette has much more contrast to it, and it much simpler. The brown is very dark and the green is a very pastel, minty colour. The character is no longer wearing their cloths, though they are present in the image, and instead have a large purple band-aid on their shoulder. It’s still not very good.

The fourth version of this character’s reference. This time, they actually look a little bit like a raccoon, and the contrast has been toned down. The character looks a bit chubbier, too. The image is captioned: “Mint, species: raccoon, Age: ???, Gender: genderfluid/nonbinary, pronouns: they/them/theirs”

The fifth version of the reference sheet. They are even chubbier, and their colours are brighter, though still don’t go very well together. The image is captioned “Mint, genderfluid/genderqueer, like 15-16 probably, raccoon, fat and floofy.”

The sixth version of the character. Their design has changed a lot, and is now a lot more complex. Their gloves are now two-toned, a dark green for the paws themselves, and a lighter green for the forearm and calves. They also now have light green on their belly, like an actual animal, and their hair is longer. The nose is now a dark purple, instead of the black it was on the previous versions. They now also have seven digits on each paw. Their name has also changed, and they are now named Green.

The seventh version of the character. They look almost exactly the same, although they now have a bunch of piercings on their ears and the art is better.

The eight, and current version of the character. The design has now changed to be much more complex, with two more shades of brown to the body, one light and one dark, so the fur looks more natural apart from the green parts. Their “gloves” are now stripy, like their tail, and now the heterochromia has been dropped, their eyes are both purple. They looks really nice in this version.

end descriptions)

I first made my sona when I was just starting to figure myself out, when I had just really come to terms with the fact that I don’t fit in the gender binary, and as you can see, how i labelled my sona reflected that. The “androgynous (I hope)” caption in the first reference i drew of them was really honest, because that was how I wanted (and still want) to be percieved.

Representing myself as a raccoon also allowed me to separate myself from the more feminine cat-sona i had before, and really restart with how i presented and described myself. if you looks at my old posts when i first put these references out there, the language i used to describe them and me really changed over time, and that transition of vocabulary is quite dear to me.

Idk, this is a dumb, long, rambly post but I felt like making it. It’s important to reflect on how you evolve sometimes.

#green-cryptid-originals #green-cryptid-text #green-cryptid-arts #fursona #transition #glow up if i say so myself

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outlier-roddy · 5 years

Note

6, 9，10, 13, 14 :3

6: do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

i definitely crush on feminine girls more, but if i spy a girl who looks masc or andro i get interested super fast lol (that might be more my ‘owo? is gay?’ thing more than a crush tho)

9. tall girls or short girls?

tall girls ftw. one time this girl who was abt 4′4 at the most came on me hard at college but she was also like 25 and had a boyfriend and thought bisexual meant poly and wanted me to be her sidechick and bought me stuff wayy too early and kissed me on the face without me saying yes so uhhh i might be biased

10. intimidating girls or kind girls?

both? no. both???? ok if i’m honest kind girls because i’m rlly just a marshmallow who gets scared easily and intimidating girls well. i wont get close enough to them to even talk to them asdhfajdsh

13. what’s your favourite personality trait of yours?

my gayness? sjdfjdahs uhhhh maybe my loyalty like if i like you i’m gonna be pretty much ride or die ngl

14. what’s your favourite personality trait for a girl to have?

GAY. but for real uhh probably being the kind of person who can hold a conversation over text OR keep a conversation going irl without it getting awkward. most of the people i’ve crushed on, in tumblr or irl, have had this lovely ability to not make me feel like i’m intruding on their time and always have a way of making me feel welcome in a conversation. so there is that

ty for asking me things ily much

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tsukkitani · 5 years

Note

From one feminine trans man to another, how do you manage to balance the two without breaking out in massive dysphoria? I often struggle with intrusive thoughts about not being masculine enough, not trying hard enough, of not being valid just because of my aesthetic taste?

hi there!! im sorry for the late response i appreciate your patience!! for me, it's been uhhh quite the journey. at the beginning of both my social and physical transition, i tried soooo hard to be "cishet passing". i wore henleys and black jeans and white sneakers and felt beyond uncomfortable doing so. but as time sort of went on, i started wearing more fem/androgynous clothes.

one item at a time. a shirt, high waisted shorts, necklaces, etc. and as i grew comfortable with each one it all just evolved!! im fortunate to be surrounded by people who respect my identity and pronouns and my closest friends encourage my fashion n stuff!! and yes i have those thoughts, believe me. of not "being trans enough" or "masc enough" - but i remind myself that gender is not real, pronouns are a construct, albeit an affirming one. but if others can't wrap their head around that concept that’s their problem, not mine. my style and expressing myself how I want to is super important to me so I don’t want to let the opinions of strangers/ignorant ppl take that away!!

i wore a dress (outside of drag/cosplay) in public for the first time a few weeks ago and it was scary!! i got misgendered but,,,i looked and felt good. i was comfortable enough to push thru the social dysphoria and i had a nice time!! its ok to push yourself and it's ok if you find it doesn't work out!! playing w/ your presentation should be fun, not harming. anyway, i hope this helped in some sorta way!! if u have any other questions or just wanna chat im more than happy to do so!! thx for the message love

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tulsaoriginal · 5 years

Text

So I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity recently

Like before the fall semester I took the plunge and cut my hair super short. Cute gay girl pixie with wild colors (getting my color redone next week I’ll try to remember to post pics). And during the semester I got a bunch of flannels to wear over my T-shirts, and over winter break I finally declared the age of yoga pants with pockets dead (not because I wanted to but because I’m down to like 2 pairs that don’t have holes in them, it’s a sad day), and with the death of yoga pants comes the age of jeans (thank god for torrid sales, $15 jeans yes please).

So I’m looking kinda butch, I’m determined to be more active in the queer community on campus, and not hide who I am.

Im not like actively unhappy with being a girl, but I’m not super into it most days. Sometimes I’m like yes let’s get pretty, and then I second guess myself the whole time I’m getting ready and it sucks. I’m not a ‘regular’ pretty girl. (I know we come in all shapes and sizes and everyone is beautiful, bear with me tho). Some days I wish I could pass as a guy, or even just more androgynous. Like my ultimate aesthetic would be andro with a pixie cut and maybe some lip color and then I could also cosplay literally whoever I wanted without worrying about my damn boobs.

So what does this rambly shit mean? Honestly idk. I just want to vent and if anyone who has experienced similar feelings or dysphoria reads this maybe they can comment or message me. (That said I don’t think I’m experiencing dysphoria, I’m not fundamentally unhappy being a girl every day, I just wish I was a different girl who could sometimes be a boy or at least present masculine in a cute way and not a fat butch lesbian kinda way)

Also I’m experimenting with using they instead if she sometimes to just see how that feels. I took the plunge and changed my name to Ellie on Facebook last week and posted ‘hey please actually call me this’ and it’s been a great experience actually.

Ok rant over, I need to pee and then walk to campus counseling because I’m *finally* getting a psych intake so I can have therapy this semester*

#personal #college #college life #college student problems #student problems #queer #queer college #gender identity #questioning #genderfluid #nonbinary #nb #enby #i need a magical gay to come solve all my problems thanx

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karak9 · 5 years

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Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

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