#i do have plans to speak to my doctor about my depression btw because i genuinely find this unsustainable

[angelo-the-doctor-of-feelings]

*spawns DiGiTaLlY* Hey mikey \•∆•/

Do you have any information on BED? (Binge eating disorder) I heavily suspect I have it, because..

•I have done many quizzes saying I highly have it

•i looked at the criteria and I have all those.

Tbh, its not as apparent as it was a couple of months ago, only because I've trying to get better. :⁠-⁠[

I love this blog btw it makes me feel loved >⁠.⁠<

🫂

*digitally hugs (only if you want tho if not I did nothing)*

*digitally yeets away*

-Colin ✨💻

Hello there ~

I'm sad to hear you're struggling with disordered eating... This is a tough subject & I am proud that you tried to battle your mind on that one.

*gets my round glasses & my notepad*

Dr. Feelings gotchu though!!

Trigger warning: mentions of eating disorder, no numbers, just information - neutrally phrased

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Generally speaking: BED is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food & feel unable to stop eating.

Disclaimer: While from BED suffering people MAY be overweight or obese, this is NOT ALWAYS the case. No judgement because of appearance. *lowers my googles at the audience aka you reading with a serious look in my eyes*

Often, obese people are diagnosed with BED & it is not true at all.

Behavioral & emotional signs & symptoms:

Eating unusually large amounts of food in a specific amount of time, such as over a two-hour period

Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control

Eating even when you're full or not hungry

Eating rapidly during binge episodes

Eating until you're uncomfortably full

Frequently eating alone or in secret usually connected with feelings of guilt & shame

Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating

Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss

Since you have voiced looking into it, I will not get into the criteria more, I try to help you with resources.

How do you recover from binge eating disorder?

There’s no quick fix, but with a consistent, long-term treatment plan, you can recover.

⭐ Interdisciplinary teams for the win! ⭐

Psychotherapy is the most important part & it’s proven to be effective for most people. Depending on the individual, your treatment may also include medications or nutrition advice. You may interact with a variety of healthcare specialists, such as a psychologist, a psychiatrist or registered dietician.

It is valid if you need to change therapists or dieticians. You have to find the people that understand & respect you.

You also need to WANT to recover. If you don't want to, then treatment will be a waste of time. No one can force you into getting better. Only temporary.

Here is a site I found quite helpful:

Eating disorders are a very serious topic & they can be deadly.

Also this pdf for self-help:

I'd recommend seeing your doctor if you haven't already, your health is important!

*takes off my googles*

🧡◝⁠(⁠⁰V⁰⁠)⁠◜⭐

I'm happy to hear you're enjoying my blog so far & I appreciate aaaaall the love you left!

Digital hugs returned 🧡✨

You're welcome to stay!

#dr feelings is at your service #mikeys magic family #mikeys world of feelings #turtle net #ed safe space #safe space #comfort character #bed resources #comfort #mental health support #mikey supports

[thereisnoblogniche]

A personal post about chronic pain and mental illness

There is a certain depression that falls on you when you're dealing with chronic pain or chronic illness, or even just symptoms of your other mental illnesses. It's not just clinical depression. It's a Special kind that you get from the inability to have the type of autonomy over your own body that you wish you could have.

It's not about want to. It's not about even need to. It's about can't do. I lack the mental or physical energy. I am too tired. I am too exhausted from my pain or physical struggles that day. I have no spoons, as many chronic illness sufferers have become familiar with saying.

I'm also just tired of not having the right answers or the right help. I very easily get discouraged. Even if I could afford going to see a bunch of different doctors, I don't know that it would help.

I'm so desperate I spent a LOT of money recently (a payment plan that even monthly I really can't afford) on a device that's supposed to help my pain--in 4-8 weeks after using it. An in-house patented device btw that isn't nationally used, as far as I know, and I had certainly never heard of it.

Why am I being so coy and cagey about my illness(es)? Simple imposter syndrome and fear of gatekeeping. I'm afraid that my pain will be invalidated as "not bad enough" for fitting into the chronic pain community, whatever that is. I'm afraid that I haven't suffered enough to be able to speak on this topic.

But I don't care what you call it or what category you put me in. I'm tired. I get plenty of sleep and I am tired. I have little energy to do anything. I have the desire but no energy to carry it out. When I make plans or appointments, it takes all my strength and energy to do them. Household chores feel like a Herculean task. And doing things for FUN? HAH! Fairy tale shit.

I'm of course exaggerating a little bit. It's not that I never feel good or ever do anything fun or enjoyable, but the times are few and far between and often come at a great cost.

I don't have any answers. This is just bitching. I even get tired of bitching. There are small things I can do to mitigate the pain but they either a) help very little, or b) don't last for very long. Still, it's something. Some minor relief. Also, another positive, is that I do get a decent amount of sleep. I imagine that's good for my body even if I don't feel well-rested.

I'm just using this as an outlet because i tend to bottle it all up. And that's not like me. I like to bitch. I bitch often. But I hold this in a lot just because I get sick of talking about it. I get sick of being that person and I keep thinking (falsely) that if I stop talking and thinking about it in such a negative way, that it will be cured. That's a holdover from my Fundamentalist Christian upbringing, I'm sure. But you can't blame me for wanting to try anything to fix myself.

What good is it to be alive when your quality of life feels like it's cut in half? Especially when it hasn't always been like this. Sure, I've had mental health struggles all my life that have made things difficult. But I'm on a whole new plane of existence and if this is my future forever? It doesn't feel very bright. I'm only 34 but I sometimes just want to die because I don't feel like I'm doing anything to make my life worth living. I am not leading the type of satisfying, fulfilled life I want to. And I have basically NO CHOICE in that.

Losing autonomy due to an illness of any kind is one of the most depressing things a human can experience.

#personal #chronic pain

[caffeinated-chaos-bean]

Mid-2021 Blog Update

Hey guys.

So... It’s been a while. Quite a while... and I want to lay some things out as to why I’ve been gone and the blog has practically been dead in the water for half a year, if not for a whole year. 

I want you to know that what I’m going to say will be in heavy detail. I’m comfortable speaking on it, and what information doesn’t just include me will be using either public details that I know I can share or will be put in a short and sweet manner.

This is your trigger warning: If you need to click off or scroll past due to the mention of extremely bad mental health, toxic relationships and households, the mention of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, please do so now.

. . .

First off, I’ve lessened the amount of time I’ve been online due to my mental health. I was put on antidepressants as well as told to take anti-anxiety gummies in November and will be weaned off of those starting this October. A lot of my family and relationship drama on top of the world practically shutting down and going into chaos thanks to COVID-19 just took a major toll on me. With so much on my shoulders, stress from living with said things on my shoulders, unsupportive family members, and an emotionally distant partner, I was at one of the lowest points in the life. I’d never had to be on mood-related medication in my life until last November. I’d always been able to handle what was thrown at me, but mid- to late-2020 was what knocked me down that low for the first time in my life. Suicidal thoughts came and went (they weren’t often, only when I couldn’t bottle my emotions up any longer but didn’t have a way to express them either), but even when they did, I knew that it was just in my head. I never once chose to act on them, because to me, that is not a way to solve a problem or escape your inner demons. All it does it put your personal suffering onto those around you -- your friends, family, and those who cared about you even when you don’t see it -- and it doesn’t do anyone any good. When my doctor asked me about suicide, that’s the very explanation I gave her. Yes, they happened, but I’d never act on them; it’s not a way out and it puts your pain onto others and only worsens the situation for the long-term.

Aside from that, though... I move on to other personal reasons for my absence that helped trigger what was mentioned above. Mid-August of 2019, my then fiancé's mother was murdered by two 17yr old boys of whom she and their family knew. Going off the information that was made public, one boy had mixed meth with marijuana prior to the killing. He claimed that my fiancé’s mother mouthed off and made a derogatory comment about his deceased mother, thus sparking the incident. While he claims to have only stabbed her once, the autopsy report shows that her head/face and upper torso were “hacked, slashed, and chopped” repeatedly with “various sharp, bladed objects”. Not only did they murder her, the two individuals also set the grass around her body on fire along with her home. When we found out about this having happened, I had no idea how bad it would have turned my relationship upside-down. My now ex-fiancé didn’t come from a great childhood, there was abuse and CPS, among other things. But he had managed and was a good person. He could make me laugh and tear up at his jokes, sang beautifully, and did everything to make those around him happy. When he lost his mom, it broke him. It shattered his very being, because not only did he know the two who caused it to happen, he also was unable to reconcile and make amends with his mother for what he went through as a child. He was robbed of being able to forgive and be on good terms with her, and it broke him. He stopped communicating with family, he took bereavement after being pulled from work by family the day it was confirmed to be his mother only to to fired 3 months down the line when he tried to go back (fuck Walmart for that btw), and was slowly becoming a hypochondriac. He stopped talking to me, he would cry in his sleep, and grief made him lash out as was expected. But as the days dragged on, his motivation and care towards finding a new job dwindled. He and my mother would fight endlessly and I was caught in the middle of it, as we all were in one household. There were times in which I would keep my phone on my leg and record for my own personal documentation should I need it due to how bad my own mother would belittle me, belittle my ex behind his back, and just scream and go off. When I’d turn to my ex for comfort, he wasn’t much help due to his own deteriorating mental health. He took to discord, specifically the Vampire the Masquerade community, as his escape from reality. He eventually would hardly talk to me at all, show no compassion, and at times I tried to speak with him about getting a new job or suggesting part-time ones that I felt would be easy and as stress-free as possible for him, I would be shooed away without a word; if I tried to further my attempt to have the conversation, he eventually got an attitude and would just say “Bye!” over and over again while shooing with his hand to get me to leave. There were many days where I’d get off work and sit in the bathroom for an hour and cry because of my frustration and how I felt stuck between two people I cared about deeply (ie. my ex and my mother).

My ex has since moved out and no longer lived with us. He and I are no longer together, and he has cut off all communication to me along with his family. He isn’t living in California anymore, really. He met up with discord friends and is in another state. That’s the last I heard from him. That’s the last his family heard. He doesn’t talk to us or attempt to reach out or respond when his family reaches out. I still very much care about him and want him to get better, but if he has to do so by being away from everyone, then so be it.

While I was letting - or shutting out, rather - the emotions I was feeling once he officially moved out, I relapsed with my anxiety tick; with my trichotillomania. I have a good number of smaller, thinned out spots in my hair from unconsciously pulling out strands of hair when my emotions didn’t know how to regulate. I’m still fighting to get this under control, as I do still catch myself doing it and so does my mother. It currently is not as bad as when my ex first moved out and I had to adjust back into sleeping alone and without someone next to me, but I do still pull. I am looking into trying to get my sister to order me a HabbitAware bracelet for me this Christmas in order to help get my tick back under control. I know its something I will live with forever and go in and out of doing, as there is no cure or medication to curb trichotillomania, but its something to help me be more aware of how often I do pull and to train it to no longer be a muscle memory response.

Most recently, I’ve had to stop taking melatonin. I’ve had bouts of insomnia since my ex left, and eventually I took enough melatonin to not only build an immunity to it but also a slight dependence. I was taking more than I should have been, and I noticed the signs of it and have stopped taking melatonin altogether. Due to this, I have switched to hempseed oil gummies. I take 2 before bed and they have helped wonderfully. But, due to how easy it was for me to become dependent on melatonin, I do plan to take brief breaks from the gummies to avoid a similar situation. I also do not plan on seeking an insomnia medication due to the same reasons. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I knew i was becoming addicted, and due to this I do not wish to risk it happening with a prescription sleep medication. I will deal with my bouts of insomnia as they come.

I also am conquering my insecurities towards others knowing I am a fan of Michael Jackson; a moonwalker. In elementary school (5th grade, 2009), I went through a heavy obsessive phase when he passed. I’d never heard of him, and when I listened to his music that firs time I was instantly hooked. I was ridiculed at school after I performed “Thriller” during a talent show; I had classmates going as far as saying that I must want him to kidnap and r*pe me if I enjoyed his music so much. I didn’t understand the gravity of those comments back then the way that I do now that I’m 23, but I still knew to an extent that what they were saying was in now way a good thing. I shut out his music from mid-6th grade all the way until this year. I hadn’t listened to a single song aside from hearing “Thriller” on the radio during October. For my birthday this year, I had a friend take me out of town and get away for a day. The entire time, she surprised me by playing hours of his music when in the car with her. It has since reopened that connection to his music and I’ve been listening to his songs with a fresh take, with the mind of an adult who can comprehend his words and understand finally what he’s saying for each song. As such, I’ve become more comfortable with others knowing I’m a moonwalker. You can have your opininos of the man, you can choose to believe the tabloids and junk media or make your own conclusions after assessing the details and documents of his life, but I will enjoy the same freedom of opinion.

I know this is getting pretty long, but I wanted to fill those who still might be checking up on this blog for any sort of update or spec of life coming from it in on what’s practically killed the blogs for a good chunk of time.

I do plan to slowly start doing stuff again after Halloween. I have a video made that I plan to post for Halloween and I look forward to letting Kikumi and the others be open for asks again. Until then, may the wind guide you all. I hope everyone can have a safe and wonderful rest of August. I will see you in October.

#mun #admin #mun speaks #admin speaks #update #blog update #personal #text post #tw #trigger warning #mental health #depression #tw suidice #tw depression #tw mental health #tw murder #tw murder details #tw trichotillomania #trichotillomania #anxiety #tw anxiety #tw anxiety tick #anxiety tick #anxiety tick relapse #tw r*pe #r*pe mention #bullying #tw bullying

[coco-mignon]

TRANSGENDERISM AND GENDER DYSPHORIA

This is something I’ve wanted to talk about for a while and I hope, despite your thoughts and opinions, you’ll hear me out.

I can’t accept transgenderism. There are way too many risks that I think no one should be shouldering in a bid to change a perfectly good body. I don’t think it’s right, I don’t think it’s natural, and I wish gender counselors would stop selling it as the answer to every case of gender dysphoria. Please look at the stats, 75-90 percent of people grow out of gender dysphoria don’t let anyone let you think it’s worse then it really is.

When I’ve tried to explain my side of things I’ll often be accused of not understanding what it’s like to be confused about your gender, not feeling right in your body. While I’m still too embarrassed to admit it while talking to someone face to face, I’ve always wanted to scream “I do! I understand and I went through gender dysphoria and simply didn’t tell anyone because, at the time, I didn’t realize it was a thing! I thought I was abnormal, literally the only one feeling that way, and just kept it to myself!” Which is not healthy btw. Over the years I’ve gotten the chance to speak with trans people, those thinking of transitioning, transitioned, and detransitioned, and I have to say the LGBT community sells it as a lot more spectacular then it really is.

There are such a high count of regrets in the trans community yet they’re written off as “rare cases” and “lies told by bigots”?! Dude, there are websites and charities run by ditransitioned men and women operating to combat gender dysphoria as it should be combated yet no one ever reports on them.

For me, my gender dysphoria stemmed from bullying and what I like to call the “bubbles”. I was 11 or 12 and had this idea of what a woman should be, and what a man should be. I, who didn’t meet the criteria of being a woman, hated myself. I felt awkward and out of place in my body. I always wore trousers though I loved skirts but thought I looked ugly in them, and slacked my shirts so they’d be baggy on me. When I learned such a thing as sex change was possible, I clearly remember thinking “When I get older I’m going to be a man. When I’m a man everything will make sense, I’ll feel better”

I spent years wondering and planning, second guessing myself and who I was. One day it hit me, there is no solid, unbreakabke list of what a man is and what a woman is. There are just people with unique personalities. I realized I didn’t want to be a man, I wanted the freedom I believed came with being a man as opposed to my feminine gender that “requires” me to be perfect and pretty all the time.

Somehow I came across a detrasitioned woman online who really helped me and even pointed out to me something I hadn’t noticed. The online gender counseling group I was on didn’t help us with our problems. It was, “Oh you don’t feel comfortable in your body? Here’s a link to sex change doctors. Good luck.” They didn’t address the fact some people’s dysphoria stemmed from some sort of abuse, or their dysphoria was causing them to suffer from eating disorders, some anxiety, and others depression. It might have not been the same for everyone (you can’t always trust the internet), but that group made it seem like all our problems will be solved if we changed genders and I realized that was some pretty toxic logic right there.

I’m unhappy because I don’t like how I look? Then why would drastically changing the outside bring me some sort of satisfaction? When did love yourself and your perfect imperfections turn into you’re in the wrong body change it? There wasn’t a problem with my body, but with my mind and heart. Everyone is born perfect, and everyone will (at multiple points in their life) go through some mental problems, whether it comes from anxiety, anger, sadness, insecurities etc. it’s normal and you can work through it. The need to change my gender was born from feelings of inadequacy with myself. Cruel people in my life put pressure on me, then I piled a few more weights on and dragged them around like a ball and chain. That’s something I’ve thankfully grown out of. It’s different for all of us. I didn’t fully escape my gender dysphoria till I was like 17 and now I’m 20 and hella happy with who I am.

Gender dysphoria is way more common than you think. Just because people around you don’t talk about it doesn’t mean they haven’t gone through it or are still going through it. My point is, appreciate and respect your body, even when no one else does, even what it feels like there’s nothing to appreciate. Remember, you only feel that, and feelings can change. You can change them.

From day one you were perfect, you are still perfect, no matter how you feel or what people tell you, you will never stop being perfect.

#gender dysphoria #traditional gender roles #transgenderism #you are enough #you are perfect #you are beautiful #distransition #tradfem #pro terf #terf safe #anti transgender

[arterwich]

CW/TW - DEAD BODY, DEATH OF A LOVED ONE, DEATH, CANCER

I truly do wonder if my mum's death will get any easier. Like, it's been about 8 and a half months now since she passed, but it still feels like a dream. It still feels like she'll walk through the front door with another bloody plant or something that she found whilst out kerbing/buying things off of fb marketplace - but I know realistically she won't. It's still so weird to see what would be her body in the bottle-urn container that the funeral home gave us with her ashes in it.

I honestly thought that it would be easier to acknowledge the fact that she's gone and never coming back. That I'll never be able to take her out to dinner for her birthday & mother's day presents. That we'll never go to visit England together, despite having made plans to do so in 2020 (thanks covid for fucking ruining them btw - oh and fuck cancer). She'll never be able to help me out when I start house hunting, or when I go furniture shopping. She won't get to see my older sister get married to the love of her life. She won't be here for any of it.

I honestly regret the fact that I was so chill with her being in hospital for those two weeks before she passed. But, considering that mum basically had her own bed/room at RPH, due to how often she was a patient there (and at 2 other hospitals as well) due to her many illnesses/health problems she had, it was kind of the normal thing for her to be in hospital. I just wish that the cancer had been found sooner than it was (or sooner than we were told at least - cause I still remember overhearing her phone convo with the specialist and the words "it's possible that the cancer has come back" and having a very bad feeling about everything), cause it's just not fair that she, my mum who has beaten ever single medical/health problem that appeared in her life (3 strokes, bell's palsy that left her with permanent muscle damage/weakness to the right side of her face, kidney disease, liver problems, (possibly genetic) breast cancer (she was 4th gen in my fam to have it), diabetes, COPD...) to the point where she could live with it with only minor struggles, was once again dealt the sgittiest fucking hand by the fucking universe and given another set of obstacles to cross. Unfortunately, the lung cancer (which turned out to be metastatic and had found it's way to her liver) was the one thing that she truly could not overcome.

Seeing her in hospital the day before she passed away was truly horrifying as well as terrifying. This woman - who I had always seen with a stiff upper lip who didn't let her emotions out nor did she ever show anyone how much pain she truly was in - was reduced to... fuck I don't even know the words to describe how she was, but watching her head loll around and her eyes roll around her head, whilst her hands had to be mitted so she couldn't scratch herself or rip her drip/lines out, and her mouth being so clenched shut that she could barely speak... it was honestly the day I knew that she truly was never going to ever get better.

The morning before mum passed, we all went in to see her and she had managed to tell us, through clenched teeth, how much she loved us kids, and dad as well - which was a surprise (but not really) considering their marriage had fallen apart. The doctors had taken us all aside to talk about how we wanted to proceed with her (mostly talk of palliative care, DNRs, that sort of thing) and after coming to a decision, we all went back to my Auntie's house. It was there that we got the phone call from the hospital that mum had passed away at 3.40pm that day. I've never seen my family so torn apart, and we have had many of our family members (older half-brothers, aunt, cousins, mothers/grandmothers, and fathers/grandfathers) pass away - but it was heartbreaking and wrenching to watch/experience.

We went in to say our goodbyes in the hospital before the funeral home would come to take her body away and honestly - it was the most peaceful and relaxed I had ever physically seen her. Alive, she was always in pain, but when I saw her body laying on the bed? I never realised how much pain she truly must have been in until I saw the relaxed state of her body and of her face in particular.

Honestly, the one thing I truly want to know about the afterlife, and with her and the test of my family that have passed on - is that she's no longer in pain and is finally comfortable. That she can finally breath without having a coughing fit that would leave her bedridden because her lungs were dying and nobody knew. Ngl, I thought when mum got closer to the 'dying age' - you know, late 80s/90s - that she and dad would be living in granny flats on acreage that I owned so that she could have her little garden and independence, and dignity that wouldn't have been given to her at one of the local nursing homes. Whilst I could still take care of her and keep and eye on her. If she's reading this over my shoulder as I'm typing it with tears in my eyes and the hope that autocorrect does right by me, I only have one thing to say:

I'm so sorry mum. I'm so sorry that the last months of your life were spent trying to motivate and encourage a house full of unmotivated, and severely depressed people who had truly given up on life (yourself included) - to actually live their lives and do something for themselves.

And one other thing, as terrible as it sounds: I'm truly happy that I'll never have to come out to you as a trans nonbinary person, cause I know for certain you would definitely tell me that I'm faking it (like you said about me behind my back to the family about me lying about being bi and that it was only a phase), kick me out of the house, or never talk to me again. You honestly made me feel like a piece of shit and treated me like shit after I came out to you initially as being bi, and I know for certain you'd have done the same, if not worse had I ever gotten the chance to come out as being nonbinary - especially after the transphovic comments you made at that clan dinner evening - you know exactly which one I'm talking about.

#personal #please dont reblog #tw death #cw death #tw dead body #cw dead body

[cupidmarwani-archive]

The Med Groupchat

Summary: The title speaks for itself.

WC: 1.5k

[crickett has renamed the chat “SEXY BITCHES”]

crickett: my city now

[Maggie<3 has renamed the chat “Gaffney ED”]

Maggie<3: Absolutely not

J. Lanik: Dr. Marcel, I can just kick you out of the chat if you cannot take this seriously.

crickett: rude

[J. Lanik has changed “crickett”’s username to “Crockett Marcel”]

[Crockett Marcel has changed “Crockett Marcel”’s username to “crickett”]

[crickett has added “HUBBY” to the chat]

HUBBY: Hi this is Ethan Crockett made my username and I don’t know how to change it

J. Lanik: I can change it in the chat for you I have admin privileges

crickett: no fun

HUBBY: Please change my username

[J. Lanik has changed “HUBBY”’s username to “Ethan Choi”]

crickett: how come u have all the power

J. Lanik: Because I’m an adult.

FreeWilly: who acts like a five year old lmao

J. Lanik: YOU KNEW I WAS SAVING THAT SORBET FOR FRIDAY NIGHT AS A TREAT FOR MYSELF

crickett: no need to yell

[crickett has sent an image to the chat]

FreeWilly: WHAT THE FUCK CROCKETT

J. Lanik: HOLY SHIT

[Maggie<3 has left the chat]

[crickett has deleted a message from the chat]

crickett: sorry babes i meant to send that to @EthanChoi

Ethan Choi: I’m breaking up with you

[J. Lanik has added “Maggie<3” to the chat]

Ethan Choi: You’re safe now, Maggie

Lesbian’s Wife: hey google how do i bleach my brain

Lesbian: Seconded

Maggie<3: Remind me which one of you is which

Lesbian: I’m Ava

FreeWilly: I remember cos Sarah never shuts up about being Ava’s wife

Lesbian’s Wife: I’m Ava’s wife <3

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian”’s username to “Bekker”]

[J. Lanik has changed “Lesbian’s Wife”’s username to “Other Bekker”]

crickett: not that i dont love and support dr bekker but this is the ed chat 

crickett: since u wont let me name it the sexy bitches chat

J. Lanik: She’s married to Sarah and cardiology is always down here.

J. Lanik: WAIT

[J. Lanik has added “connor” to the chat]

[J. Lanik has added “MommyPower” to the chat]

Maggie<3: I love you, Nat, but please change your username

crickett: give me admin power

[MommyPower has changed “MommyPower”’s username to “Nat”]

Nat: I’m in a mom chat leave me alone

Maggie<3: How’s Owen btw

crickett: @J.Lanik give me admin give me admin

Ethan Choi: do not give him admin I’m begging you

[J. Lanik has promoted “Ethan Choi” to administrator]

[Ethan Choi has changed “J. Lanik”’s username to “BooBoo the Fool”]

Nat: Owen is great thanks for asking! He just started soccer.

[Ethan Choi has removed “BooBoo the Fool” from the chat]

Ethan Choi: YOU FOOL

Ethan Choi: I HAVE ACCESS TO ETHAN’S PHONE

Ethan Choi: AND HE IS EASILY DISTRACTIBLE!

crickett: He locked himself in the bathroom with my phone. But now I have his

Ethan Choi: WAIT NO I HAVE PRIVATE STUFF THERE

Maggie<3: More private than your dick pics?

Connor: his WHAT

[Ethan Choi has added “BooBoo the Fool” to the chat.]

[BooBoo the Fool has changed “BooBoo the Fool”’s username to “Lanik”]

[Lanik has demoted “Ethan Choi” from administrator]

Lanik: This close to removing you from the chat, Marcel.

crickett: u love me too much

Bekker: Crockett sent us all his dick earlier @connor

crickett: NOT ON PURPOSE

connor: ...is it a good dick

crickett: i mean yeah? i hope so 

Ethan Choi: I’d like to stop talking about my husband’s dick please

Ethan Choi: (but for the record @connor it is a good dick)

Other Bekker: can we not talk abt his dick

Other Bekker: not unless i can talk about the strap but lanik said thats not allowed

Bekker: So he can send nudes but Sarah can’t talk about our new strap?

[Lanik has added “Dr. Charles” to the chat]

Lanik: Will this make you all calm down?

Dr. Charles: I don’t want to be involved here.

[Dr. Charles has left the chat]

Other Bekker: DAD

connor: lmao daddy issues

Bekker: @connor is this the hill you wanna die on?

[connor has deleted a message from the chat]

FreeWilly: can we all calm down lol

crickett: no. @connor dm if you wanna see my dick

Ethan Choi: …

crickett: i was kidding!!

crickett: haha unless……..

Lanik: Please do not plan threesomes in the work groupchat.

April: @Lanik bitter because you weren’t invited

crickett: OOOOOH burn

Ethan Choi: Does @no-ah have us on mute

April: yes

crickett: I’ll dm him some booty pics

Ethan Choi: Do not dm him booty pics

crickett: doing so is a public service

FreeWilly: to be fair Ethan he does get naked anywhere and everywhere

Nat: Including my birthday party >:(

crickett: in my defense u and april and sarah were also naked

Other Bekker: i remember that lmao

Lanik: This is a work chat.

FreeWilly: we should have a nude exchange

[Lanik has removed “FreeWilly” from the chat]

crickett: ooooh drama. are yall gonna break up

[Lanik has muted “crickett”]

Maggie<3: It’s so… quiet

Ethan Choi: Please unmute him he’s whiny

[Lanik has unmuted “crickett”]

connor: anyways 

connor: who wants to talk about their trauma

Bekker: @connor Like when you accused me of murder

Other Bekker: when i was a kid my mom really hated me and ive never really felt loved and maybe thats why im in a constant state of loneliness and being unfulfilled and even though im the happiest ive ever been i constantly feel like im on the edge of a cliff and at any moment im gonna fall over the edge and die

connor: that was loaded

Other Bekker: you asked

Maggie<3: I was traumatized by seeing Crockett’s penis

connor: lucky :(

Lanik: Jeez kids can you lighten up a little

Nat: HE KNOWS MEMES HE KNOWS MEMES

crickett: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS JIMOTHY

Lanik: Don’t call me Jimothy.

Ethan Choi: @connor why are you thirsty

[Lanik has added “FreeWilly” to the chat]

Lanik: It’s worse without you

FreeWilly: that may be the nicest thing youve ever said to me…

crickett: hey baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Nat: Use dm

crickett: baby

crickett: baby

Ethan Choi: What

crickett: since ur going to the hospital tonight can u pick up my meds uwu <3

Ethan Choi: Only if you promise to never say uwu again

[Other Bekker has renamed the chat “uwu”]

Nat: uwu

connor: uwu

Other Bekker: uwu

Bekker: uwu

April: uwu

Maggie<3: uwu

FreeWilly: uwu

Crickett: OWO

Ethan Choi: I want a divorce

[Lanik has renamed the chat “SHUT THE FUCK UP MARCEL”]

connor: lanik snapped

FreeWilly: hot

connor: WAIT CROCKETT DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE

crickett: ;)

Bekker: What did he do

connor: i saw the dick pick. @EthanChoi you were right its nice

Lanik: Please stop planning threesomes in the chat

Ethan Choi: @connor I’ll set up a private chat

connor: yesyesyesyesyes

Nat: I wish I could get laid this easily…

April: You can

Maggie<3: I’m with @Lanik can you guys not be horny in this chat

Other Bekker: my two modes are horny and depressed

Bekker: Actually you have a third- hungry

Other Bekker: fair

No-ah: This is why I have the chat muted

[No-ah has left the chat]

[Lanik has added “Queen Elsa” to the chat]

Bekker: Rounding out the lesbianism I see

Queen Elsa: Is this even a chat I want to be in?

Ethan Choi: No

Maggie<3: No

crickett: yes

Other Bekker: to summarize: crockett sent a dickpic on accident and connor was disappointed he didnt see it and now hes gonna sleep with ethan and crockett and also i think nat and april are gonna get laid and also in case you didnt know yet will and jimmy are dating

Other Bekker: AND @Bekker IS MY WIFE!

Maggie<3: There it is

Lanik: Hi, Ms. Curry. This is the groupchat for the ED and I trust that you’ll treat this respectfully unlike some of the other doctors have been

Queen Elsa: Did you just call me a doctor?

crickett: do not listen to him this chat is all fun and games and dickpics

Queen Elsa: If that last part is true, I’m leaving the chat.

crickett: it only happened once and it was an accident

[Other Bekker has sent an image]

Other Bekker: look at my wife look at my wife look at my wife

FreeWilly: @April @Nat are you guys still here

Maggie<3: It looks like they both have us on mute

crickett: good for them,, we been knew they were in love

Ethan Choi: Please act like a person

crickett: bold of u to assume im a person

[connor has renamed the chat “tinder for lonely gay doctors and nurses”]

Other Bekker: DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN HELP ELSA GET A GIRLFRIEND

Queen Elsa: I have one.

Other Bekker: omg omg omg spill

Lanik: I feel like none of you are taking this seriously.

[Lanik has promoted “Maggie<3” to administrator]

Lanik: Never let it be said that I did not try.

[Maggie<3 has changed “Lanik”’s username to”BooBoo the Fool”]

[BooBoo the Fool has left the chat]

#chicago med #chicago med fic #one chicago #mine #fic #medgroupchat

[one-hell-of-a-manic-girl]

I was officially diagnosed with rheumatism (autoimmune, not degenerative). I'm fucking devastated.

I mean, I know that I kinda had something like that since I was 12 or so, but it's never affected me much. Sometimes my knee or my shoulder would hurt and I thought okay, no big deal, no need to go to the doctor's - admittedly that I don't like going to the doctor anyway, unless I'm kinda like dying or something - but during the past two months, my body decided to become my own, personal living hell.

The inflammation started to spread slowly from my shoulders to my ellbows down to my wrists and at some point even my left thumb fucking ached. Other than my knees, it "only" spread to my right hip, which is terrible enough when you are a side sleeper - and I really like sleeping on my right side. =.=

I reached the point at which not even ibuprofen or voltaren helped in any way - both of which you shouldn't be taking longer than three days anyway bc it seriously fucks up your stomach and bowel and weakens your immune system further which is under attack already - but the pain got so bad that I couldn't sleep anymore or do anything like watering my plants bc my arms hurt so much. For two days, even my thyroid hurt due to the inflammation. The only thing that helped at least a bit was cooling my burning joints with cold packs wrapped in a thin piece of cloth.

Obviously, I should've visited the doctor much earlier, i. e. the moment my knee was in pain. However, I really didn't want to have cortisone injected and still don't want it tbh... Plus, I was like 12 or 13, like hell I cared back then.

In case you start suffering from joint inflammation: Go to the doctor's AT ONCE!! Don't wait until the inflammation spreads to both sides of your body to avoid as much damage as possible. Even though you'll be treated with medication that eases your pain and symptoms (rheumatism cannot be cured though), the damage that was already done to your joints cannot be reversed.

I know, I hesitated bc of cortisone treatment, but you can, should and have to talk to your doctor. They need to refer you to a rheumatologist and you can explain to them that you only accept cortisone in worst cases. They should diagnose your type of rheumatism and treat you with the respective and suitable medication and not with random shit that might fuck up your body with unnecessary side effects.

As I said, in my case, I'm like reeeaaally late, because the inflammation spread to quite a lot of joints. I can still treat it, but it's going to take a while to reduce the affects.

What can I do though? Well, as I said, I don't like relying on painkillers at all since they are very, very damaging to your body - in case you didn't know, voltaren pills are even worse than ibuprofen. So, what to do?

I changed my diet to paleo again. In the past two years, I ate pizza and bread again and loads of other crap, even though I knew how extremely good I was feeling with paleo before. However, I was suffering from a very depressive episode and the mere thought of having to pay attention to what I'm eating was already quite exhausting. The side effect was that I gained a whopping 40kg, which really didn't help in battling my depression. Lol! Even without exercising at the moment - I'm still not very motivated tbh, but I recently started slowly with a few pushups just for fun and to get accustomed to it again - I lost 8kg already. Ah, I love paleo so much and I'm so happy that I managed to adapt my diet again. Btw, you can change your paleo diet as per your needs, i. e. there are special diet plans for different autoimmune diseases, for losing weight more effectively and so on. Despite being diagnosed with rheumatism I don't think that I'm ready for radical paleo autoimmune disease plans bc I barely managed to control my cravings for chocolate to a point at which I can stop eating bananas. Lol!! I should really tell you more about paleo and why I'm so convinced of its principles, but that's it for now.

Speaking of exercise: I used to do bodyweight/HIIT in combination with Pilatus. I wouldn't recommend HIIT until you managed to "control" your appetite since you're burning a vast amount of calories in only 20 or 30 minutes. I did it while I was off paleo and was eating more than ever before, so that really backfired. Lmao I've heard that there are special stretching and other exercises for rheumatism, got to check that, too.

I've heard of some of my sister's colleagues who are suffering from rheumatism as well (all of us no older than 30 btw...). They mix a special drink called golden milk. Now you can see how I'm really not into trends or spending much time on the internet bc I just looked it up to check how it's called in English only to learn that it's some sort of trendy super food and not a special drink for rheumatism. Lmao! Well, the point is that it really seems to help them with their inflammation pain, so I'll try that, too. My bf is also into mixing aromatic oils and we learnt that rosemary, mint and especially an herb called arnica can help ease the inflammation. As you can see, I ALWAYS prefer diet, exercise and "household remedies" over any painkillers of any kind - as long as possible, I don't think that I'll be able to avoid it entirely.

So yeah, my own body is attacking me. It's kinda sad, really. Most of the time, I really love my body, despite having gained so much weight (which is my mistake though and not that of my body, lol). But having been diagnosed with rheumatism (and I'm suffering from other shit like neurodermatitis as well) really caused some hatred towards my body for attacking me for such a long time. Rheumatism can have other side effects, you know, like migraine, fatigue and stuff and I realized that it was due to this autoimmune disease that I was "weak", sensitive and prone to other diseases. I've suffered so much from all of this, from the migraine episodes, from countless times I had sinusitis or having a cold many times per year more often than average and especially from the damn fatigue that it really made me mad that only one autoimmune disease is probably responsible for all of this.

However, my bf recently told me that I shouldn't hate my body, but have some compassion bc my body doesn't WANT to attack me, it's just not capable of recognizing me anymore and very confused and tries to do its job even though it's the wrong direction. That was so moving that I really changed my mind and now am more at peace with my body.

Well, long story short, I hope I'll learn to cope with this disease and that this blog post will help others, too. I might keep you posted on this, but I'll definitely post something about paleo once in a while. :P

#rheumatoiddisease #rheumatoid arthritis #rheumatism #rheumatology #arthritis #inflammation #inflammatory disease #autoimmune disorder #autoimmunehealth #paleo #nutrition #exercise #bodyweighttraining #hiit #pilatus

[confusedinfj]

How to tell what your *ntp is feeling... And help?

AKA: how to *nfj *ntps

Because I saw some asks on other blogs about this and wanted to try haha.

Edit: This seems to apply to all tps actually 😂

Starting

Check facial expression.

If forlorn and pale, *ntp is sad and PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW WHY. Go to unknown feeling steps.

If angry, *ntp knows why their mad. If they're refusing to tell you, they're mad at you. Go to angry steps.

If happy, your *ntp will look calm and mildly oblivious. Don't attempt emotional counselling or you will produce angry *ntp.

If some other complex feeling, they will say 'Idk'. Go to unknown feeling steps.

If sad for known reason, you should probably know why too. If you don't, ask them and they'll just tell you. If they refuse to tell you they're now angry with you for not knowing. Go to angry steps.

If you know what they're feeling and they need cheering up for any reason, go to cheering up steps.

If *ntp is crying, go to EMERGENCY RESET steps. Sit tight.

A few tips

Be warm. *ntps respond well to genuine warmth and concern.

Speak softly. Everyone responds fell to this, but especially stressed Nps.

Be direct. *ntps don't wanna go to magic emotional fairy land, weirdos.

Be subtle. *ntps recoil if they sense you think you're better than them, so if you tho k you're gonna go in their and save the *ntp, you better pretend you don't think that.

Remember, *ntps have Ti. You can approach this problem and fix it through breaching their low Fe through Ti. Try talking about feelings as thoughts - they're basically the same thing anyway.

Try to use Fe or even Te to pull this off.

Vibes.

Eye contact.

Physical contact. Actually gives away some important clues...

Pauses. Very important to let the *ntp think.

Know when to stop pushing. It's usually when the *ntp shows all body language signs of pulling and looking away. Just give then a hug, say you love them or whatever, and leave them be for a while before trying again.

Unknown Feelings

Sit down calmly next to *ntp and look them in the eyes, study them for a few seconds. They will probably look at you with amused concern.

Ask them what's wrong outright, or if they're okay. They'll say 'Idk' or equivalent vague answer. Mbs even 'I'm fine' or 'nothing's wrong' while avoiding eye contact or looking depressed.

Touch them gently if that's normal for y'all. If they pull away you have a grumpy *ntp who probs needs you to step it up a notch. If they pull away at this point it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to talk.

Just frown and say something like 'you don't seem fine'. After a pause, if they don't suggest something, make your own suggestion.

'Are you upset with me because of this thing I did today?' is a good place to start. *ntp will probs want to clear up if they're upset with you, so will be like 'nah, it's just this other thing.' Alternatively, they'll say 'I tho k I might be', in which case you can talk about that like normal. Good job for finding out!

If it's something else they're not specifying, remember: you don't always need to know everything. So your next question isn't for details, it's just: 'would you like to talk about it?' with an additional 'can I help?'

Here I must mildly split the types. From experience, the intp will neither talk nor ask for help, and they won't appear to have changed either, even if their vibe is a bit better to you. But when they're feeling a little better they'll be really appreciative and soft to you, so it's not useless. Just try to make life quiet and easier for them. Also from experience, the entp might want to talk or have help, or they might just start crying or something. It's pretty easy to walk them through from there but...

Avoid bailing the entp out completely. K, if an intp is crying and asking for help, do it. It's weird, they defs need it (Si grips are mainly an entp thing tbh). If an entp is doing it... Help them fix the problem themselves, because otherwise they'll hate you for it later. Entps can make their own chaos, but they don't like being treated like babies. This means you

Look into the entp's eyes and - being pretty harsh tbh - tell them to stop crying and outline what they should do. Then you leave them with a hug or whatever and they're usually all good. This does not apply to deaths and stuff like that. Be normal here 😂

Congratulations! You have worked out your *ntps feelings and have hopefully helped a little. Hopefully they're not in a grip and it's all over now.

Angry

If your *ntp is mad at you, they'll look mad and quiet and won't be telling you why. Here's how to work this out.

Calmly say, 'I know you're mad at me. Why?' if they don't respond, propose something. That'll usually get them going. 'NO, IT'S BECAUSE YOU DID THIS!' You're in pretty hot water if they're still not responding after this bait.

Explain how you can't fix the problem if they don't tell you.

Try to go back to before they got angry and try to view things from their perspective - it's possible they're in a paranoid Ne-Fe loop and have completely misinterpreted something you did. This is more likely to be the entp's problem. It's also possible you offended their Ti by disagreeing with them or telling them what to do.

Say what your conclusions are and clarify your intentions. 'I didn't tell you how to boil water because I think you're an idiot, I did it because I really like that pot - it was a gift from my deceased mother - and I really didn't want the pot to burn. I'm sorry if I sounded condescending'.

This will usually soften your Ti offended *ntp, so good job on fixing the problem! But what if this doesn't seem to be the problem, and nothing changes? Now assume a Ne-Fe loop. This becomes a long term problem, but to confirm, here we go.

Basically, you have to stop digging for the reason they're mad at you and briefly affirm you love them or whatever. This won't help if the *ntp is in a loop, because they become extremely paranoid. You're almost certainly not going to fix this problem in one sitting. Go google the loop problem later and enjoy your new paranoid *ntp.

Cheering up

This advice is generic, use some discretion obvs

Do something with the *ntp. Like, take them out. This triggers their Ne, they love it. But them a drink or something to eat while you're out. This will usually work immediately.

Try discussing something with them. Might not work if they're really flat.

Watch TV or a movie with them. They like tech tbh

Feed them. Usually works, unless your cooking sucks.

Hug them. *ntps only pretend to hate this. Only works if you're close obvs.

Yell at them to snap out of it and cheer up. Extreme, but often works for entps who are in self pitying Fi Trickster moods. Don't actually tell btw. Just remind them pity parties are pointless and illogical.

Compliment the *ntp, or do something thoughtful like writing them a letter. Always be genuine!

Give the *ntp a project. Not a chore. Ask them to build an Ikea thing or something haha.

Only leave the *ntp alone once these steps have failed. No matter how many times they ask, if you can get them to do any of those things with you, they secretly want to be fixed. If they absolutely refuse to do any of those things, leave them alone and be quiet. They'll come out when they're ready. And don't finish with step 6. Then they'll think you're mean and angry at them. Always compliment sandwich 6.

If your entp (specifically) refuses to cheer up after an extended period of time, they might be using Fi Trickster... Or they could be legit depressed, try to know the signs. If they're not actually depressed, you can go on and compliment sandwich 6 again, a little harsher this time. If you trigger a Si crying melt down you fixed them, good job 👏 Otherwise, send your little entp to the doctor 😷

If your intp (specifically) refuses to cheer up after an extended period of time, they could be in Fi Demon and are likely depressed. If you can't get them to the doctor cos they're being stubborn, you can follow internet suggestions and try fostering their low Fe - it'll help get them out of Fi if they're not actually depressed. This means basically treating them like a soft little *nfj baby for an extended period of time.

Emergency Reset

You'll know if you need to do this when either *ntp is SPONTANEOUSLY crying or when intp is looking wide eyes like they're crying on the inside. This is a severe Si grip and they're basically completely overwhelmed. Tl;dr = trigger Ne, but handle Si first.

Sit down, hold *ntps hands if you can and look into their eyes. Ask them what's wrong and if you can help. Follow through with these steps in addition to anything they say 🙃

Check your *ntps vital Si signs - make sure they've been eating and drinking. Force them to take a food and drink break if they haven't. Encourage them to take a power nap. Encourage them to take a 10 minute walk. Encourage them to shower and get cosy if it's later in the day (which it usually is tbh).

Give the *ntp a game plan. For example, if your entp has left some project till the last minute, help them organise the steps they need to get through to complete the task.

Ask the *ntp if they'd like you to do some of their work while they Si recharge (walk, eat, nap, etc). Don't do too much, or they'll be Ti offended.

After the Si recharge, encourage the *ntp to decrease their work load. Think outside the box about ways they can do this - it triggers their Ne and makes them feel back in control of life. 😊

Basically, mildly parent your *ntp for about an hour and they'll perk up. This works every time, because *ntps in grips or loops don't have melt downs this obvious 😂

#emotional support #enfj #infj #entp #intp #mbti #fun type posts #fun functions #cognitive functions #how to help entps #how to help intps #Estp #Istp #How to help estps #How to help istps

[lesbian-deadpool]

Rocky Raccoon

Y/N has created a chat.

Y/N has renamed the chat: Earths Mightiest Survivors

Y/N has added, Steve, Natasha, Bruce, Thor, Rocket, Okoye, Rhodey.

Y/N: Hey, so how are all of you on this fine day? :)

Okoye: What's wrong with her?

Natasha: This is her way of trying to cope with everything.

Y/N: I :) Am :) So :) Sad :)

Y/N: Ouch :) The :) Heartbreak :)

Steve: You know what makes me sad, Y/N?

Steve: The chat name!

Steve: THE CHAT NAME

Y/N: It may make you sad. But, hey, at least it's accurate :)

Bruce: She still has her sass I see.

Y/N: Hi Bruice, you know what I'm still wondering about? When you're gonna get off of your smart ass and GET TONY OUT OF SPACE

Thor: How do we even know he's still alive?

Y/N: GASP! THOR, HOW DARE YOU?!

Bruce: TAKE THOSE WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!

Thor: I'M SO SORRY. I'm just so sad.

Thor: I've lost, almost everything important to me. I just want you to be prepared for bad news if it comes. Which I dearly hope it does not.

Natasha: I've never seen Thor sad before.

Natasha: I don't like it.

Steve: No one does.

Bruce: It's breaking my heart.

Y/N: Ditto, to both of those.

Natasha: Take it back.

Natasha: Where's the receipt?

Natasha: I don't want sad Thor anymore.

Okoye: Quick someone make him happy.

Y/N: ON IT

Y/N: SQUIRREL TALK TO ME

Y/N: FUR BABY

Y/N: FLUFFY BOY

Y/N: What does Thor call you?

You: Oh yeah!

Y/N: RABBIT

Y/N: TALK TO ME RABBIT

Rocket: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!

Rocket: Why won't you just let me cry in peace?

Natasha: Hold on. How does he have a phone?

Bruce: He's from space, probably had one the whole time.

Natasha: Makes sense.

Okoye: Or he stole one.

Natasha: That makes more sense.

Y/N: Hi, Rocky Raccoon.

Rocket: It's Rocket.

Y/N: Rocky Raccoon.

Rocket: Rocket. AND I'M NOT A RACCOON

Natasha: Does he really not know he's a raccoon?

Steve: I don't think so.

Bruce: Well he is a TALKING raccoon, from SPACE, maybe he's never seen one before.

Okoye: I say we show him one.

Steve: No, that would be awful, and most likely scaring.

Natasha: Yes, that would be so awful.

Natasha: Let's do it.

Steve: Natasha! I thought better of you!

Natasha: Did you really?

Steve: No. No, I actually didn't.

Y/N: Rocky Raccoon.

Rocket: Rocket.

Y/N: Rocky Raccoon.

Rocket: Rocket!

Steve: What is she doing?

Natasha: I have no clue. But I am enjoying this immensely.

Okoye: Same here, I just made some popcorn.

Natasha: Cool, can I have some?

Okoye: Sure.

Bruce: What about me?

Okoye: No.

Bruce: What? Why?

Okoye: There's not enough.

Bruce: Oh, okay. Fine.

Thor: May I have some? I am so very depressed.

Okoye: Of course.

Bruce: WHAT

Bruce: I don't get any, but he does?

Bruce: I see how it is.

Okoye: Ugh! Fine, you can have some.

Bruce: YAY

Steve: How can any of you eat at a time like this?!

Okoye: Leave us alone, Steve.

Natasha: Yeah, this is how we grieve.

Thor: With delicious popped corn.

Bruce: And watching Y/N be weird.

Y/N: Rocky Raccoon.

Rocket: ROCKET!

Y/N: Rocky Raccoon checked into his room. Only to find Gideon's bible.

Rocket: What? Who the fuck is Gideon?

Y/N: But Rocky had come equipped with a gun. To shoot off the legs of his rival.

Rocky: Your leg's? Cause they soon will be, if you don't stop this shit.

Y/N: His rival it seems had broken his dreams. By stealing the girl of his fancy.

Y/N: Her name was Magill and she called herself Lil. But everyone knew her as Nancy.

Rocky: Who the fuck is that?!

Rocky: I don't know anyone called Magill, Lil, or Nancy, whatever the fuck her name is.

Natasha: Steves head's about to explode with the amount of swearing in this chat.

Steve: That's never gonna go away is it?

Thor: Never goNNA GIVE YOU UP

Bruce: Thor how do you know that?!

Natasha: I'm dyING.

Thor: Y/N taught me before I left for... Asgard...

Okoye: Is he alright?

Bruce: He's dissociating. He'll be fine in a minute.

Y/N: Now she and her man who called himself Dan. Were in the next room at the hoedown.

Rocket: Who in the hell is Dan?!

Y/N: Rocky burst in, and grinning a grin. He said, "Danny boy, this is a showdown".

Rocket: What the hell is she doing?

Steve: No clue.

Thor: Nor I.

Natasha: Wait! I do. And just let me tell you, it's amAZING.

Steve: Natasha you're enjoying this a bit too much.

Natasha: I am enjoying this the regular amount, Steven.

Bruce: Is she alright?

Steve: Probably not. We're all going a little crazy with grief.

Okoye: Not me bitch. I'm just the same old, Michonne.

Steve: Who?

Y/N: But Daniel was hot, he drew first and shot. And Rocky collapsed in the corner.

Y/N: Now the doctor came in stinking of gin. And proceeded to lie on the table.

Y/N: He said, "Rocky, you met your match".

Rocket: Do you wanna meet yours?

Thor: YeS FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Natasha: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Okoye: Twenty on Y/N.

Bruce: Nah, no offence to Y/N, but Rocket would destroy her.

Natasha: Are you shitting me, Bruce? Y/N has kicked MY ass, the raccoon's no match for her.

Thor: I have to disagree with you, Lady Natasha. Have you seen Rabbits gun? She would be dead within a second.

Natasha: We NEVER said anything about weapons!

Okoye: Yeah, what are you? Some sort of monster?

Thor: No of course not.

Natasha: But I do guess they could have armour and equally matched weapons.

Steve: What?

Steve: NO

Steve: NO BETTING ON THEM. NO MAKING THEM FIGHT. NO CONSIDERING WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN THEM. AND ESPECIALLY  NO GLADIATOR STYLE FIGHTING.

Natasha: Ooo, bolded, and italics, you are mad.

Steve: I'm not mad. Just disappointed.

Natasha: No not that, that's worse!

Thor: Not the eyebrows of disappointment! Anything but the eyebrows of disappointment!

Bruce: We're sorry, please forgive us.

Okoye: Why do I feel like I need this random white guy to be proud of me.

Bruce: That's the power of, Steve Rogers.

Natasha: Some may think it's his advanced EVERYTHING that makes him a superhero. But it's not. His true superpower is making you want him to be proud of you.

Natasha: It's a curse for everyone who's not him.

Y/N: And Rocky said, "Doc, it's only a scratch. And I'll be better, I'll be better, Doc, as soon as I am able".

Rocket: I'll give you a scratch soon...

You: Now Rocky Raccoon, he fell back in his room. Only to find Gideon's bible.

Rocket: Once again, who the fuck is Gideon? WHO THE FUCK ARE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE?!

Y/N: Gideon checked out, and he left it no doubt. To help with good Rocky's revival.

Rocket: I hated every minute of that.

Bruce: Yes, yes. That was amazing.

Natasha: Standing ovation worthy.

Y/N: Thank you, thank you. I perform to make people happy.

Thor: So entertaining.

Rocket: You bastard.

Okoye: Gotta love me a free performance, however, where is the tip jar? My black card's gotta go somewhere.

Rocket: I fucking hate you all.

Rocket has left the chat.

Thor: Oh, no rabbit.

Thor: :(

Steve: See, look you made our new friend sad.

Natasha: I doubt that. I just taught him how to use YouTube, now he's humming along to it.

Natasha: Btw Steve. Better student than you.

Steve: I'm gonna go ahead and ignore that.

Steve: Y/N?

Y/N: Hmm?

Steve: What the hell was that?

Y/N: Rocky Raccoon?

Y/N: The Beatles?

Steve: ???

Y/N: You don't know The Beatles?!

Steve: I've heard of them.

Y/N: But you never listened?

Steve: No?

Y/N: DISGUSTING. YOU DIRTY HEATHEN SINNER.

Y/N: You've been in the modern world now for what? Six years? And it never occurred to you once, to listen to The Beatles?!

Y/N: I'm disappointed in you, Steven.

Steve: What?

Natasha: Oh, no. That's so much worse than Steve's disappointment.

Thor: I pity you, Sir Steve.

Bruce: You know you've done something awful if Y/N is disappointed in you.

Okoye: I don't even know who she is, and I know that.

Natasha: Just out of curiosity. Are you ever gonna do that again? Cause I loved that. A lot.

Y/N: Yes. I have one for everybody.

Bruce: Do Tony's. I miss his presence in this chat.

Y/N: Yeah, sure. I have more than one for Tony.

Steve: Wait. Why does Tony get more than one?

Natasha: Someone's jealous they only got a beard in the divorce.

Steve: What?

Bruce: You say that a lot.

Steve: That's because I am in a constant state of confusion, thanks to all of you.

Natasha: You're welcome.

Steve: That wasn't a compliment.

Natasha: But still...

Bruce: No wait. Do Tony's later. I remembered his face, and I need to go cry.

Bruce: Again.

Bruce: Bye.

Bruce has left the chat.

Steve: Poor guy.

Y/N: Speaking of leaving the chat.

Y/N: Steve, piss off, and go listen to The Beatles. Now.

Steve: ... okay.

Steve has left the chat.

Y/N: Thor would you please join him?

Thor: Of course. I am quite excited.

Thor has left the chat.

Y/N: At least he's happy.

Natasha: At the expense of Bruce crying?

Y/N: You win some you lose some.

Y/N: But in all honesty. It turned out better than I originally planned. I would have made you all cry if it meant Thor was happy.

Natasha: I see, and I wholly agree.

Okoye: That man is a giant puppy, and needs to be protected at all costs. If it came to it, I would sacrifice all of you for him in a heartbeat.

Y/N: Omg, thank you for the compliment.

Natasha: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Y/N: I'm gonna go watch Thor be happy now, and force Steve to listen to the best songs.

Y/N: Deuces!

Natasha: Bye, Y/N.

Okoye: Bye.

Y/N has left the chat.

Natasha: That song really made me want some gin, I'm gonna go find some.

Okoye: Oh, count me in!

Natasha has left the chat.

Okoye has left the chat.

Rhodey: You add me to this chat

Rhodey: While I'm passed out after crying over Tony.

Rhodey: An hour I was asleep. AN HOUR!

Rhodey: I LEFT YOU ALONE FOR AN HOUR!

Rhodey: And you do this shit?!

Rhodey has left the chat.

Rhodey has joined the chat.

Rhodey: Also, Y/N would totally kick Rocket's ass.

Rhodey has left the chat.

Wade has joined the chat.

Wade has added, Loki.

Wade: Don't act like you're dead you little shit.

Wade has added, Scott.

Wade: Is you Skrull? Is you Loki?

Wade has added, Clint.

Wade: And what the fuck happened to you?

Wade: Oh, no wait! We can't find out till April! Like I can wait that long!

Wade: Bye bitches, see you then. I'm gonna go get ME some gin and tacos, and gorge myself into a food and alcohol-induced coma until April!

Wade has left the chat.

Clint: What was that?

Scott: No clue.

Loki: Your regular local dumbass is my guess.

Wade has joined the chat.

Wade: NO TALKING UNTIL ENDGAME, HOES!

Clint has been disconnected.

Scott has been disconnected.

Loki has been disconnected.

Wade: APRIL!

Wade: Also, did you know that the song, Rocky Raccoon, is what inspired the creation of our favourite homicidal furball.

Wade: The more you know, right?

Wade: anyway...

Wade: APRIL!

The chat has unexpectedly been disconnected.

#original fanfiction #original chatroom #first chatroom #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff #bruce banner x reader #bruce banner imagine #bruce banner #thor x reader #thor imagine #thor #rocket raccoon x reader #rocket raccoon imagine #rocket raccoon #okoye x reader #okoye imagine #okoye #james rhodes x reader #james rhodes imagine #james rhodes #rhodey x reader #rhodey imagine #rhodey #wade wilson x reader #wade wilson imagine #wade wilson

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

My MtF~H.R.T. Journey -- As Gender Nonconforming, People Still Love Me

Finding Acceptance Where I Though None Existed

     COMING OUT...IT ALWAYS OCCUR OVER AND OVER

     Back in 2018, I initially came out as gender-nonconforming as I did not want to fully convert as I was terrified of my family and being outcast by my friends. My transgender identity keep changing as I found myself adapting and becoming Mira. I was turning from gender-nonconforming and turning into gender-fluid.

     Even now, I am gender-fluid as I prefer to remain between genders. Male when it serves me and female when it comforts me. Since the start of 2019, both of my genders have been active with a case of a-gender to protect my feelings. Unknown to me, I have lived my life as a-gender as I have no set of pronouns and typically refer to myself as ‘they’ or ‘we’. However, since March of 2019...I have converted once more into a trans-woman as I am now on the path to turn my appearance and identity, female.

     To this day, I still call myself gender-nonconforming and gender-fluid as I know I will always have a male and female side, however, my trans-woman side will take dominance.

     MY NEW FAMILY IS LETTING MIRA BLOOM

     Ever since I have came out to the Messinger’s, I have witnessed Mira bloom. Even though I am the same person, I ‘feel’ different now. I feel allowed to act out my emotions, show love and seek family. My whole Transgender nature depended on the Messinger’s accepting me as Mira and since they did, that is why I am writing this.

     I was visiting the Messinger’s as I was dropping off some of my stuff from my old home as Michelle was sharing her day. “I had to take Ryan to the doctor today, we thought he might have a nasal polyps, and as a mom, I was concern for him.” I released a concerned groan as I listened from the stairs, which I was sitting upon. “Luckily it wan’t that, his nose has a deviated septum. Anyhow, I told him about you moving in with us and joining our family, he thinks that is a good idea. Then I told him about your other issue and he was excited. He said that he wants to help you!”

     “Oh?” I ask as I know that I will need all the help.

     “He said, if anyone messes with you, he will protect you. He can’t wait to do your makeup and do your hair...I told him that you need to ask him.” Michelle says as I thought about having makeup and having my hair done...looking feminine.

     REACHING OUT TO ONE WHO ONCE HATED THE GAYS

     Barb:  Your dad and I would love to get together with you. We could meet at a restaurant, your grandmother's house...wherever. Whenever, just let us know what works for you. Scratch Crisco's and AJ's ears for me.

Mira:  I certainly have been needing to have a revisit, and look forward to setting up a time.      Might have to be awhile, I am in the process of moving and transitioning to a new family who has asked to take me in (countless times). They are wonderful people, very loving and have been there for me when my family would not (besides you and Dad, who have came more times then my mother, which really means much to me). I believe their willingness to adopt me as a member of the family is due to the fact that Mitch lost both of his daughters to CF and for two years prior, one of his daughters named Amanda, was the one who keep pushing me to be tested for CF. If it wasn’t for her diligence, I probably would not be here today. So I feel indebted to the family, and I believe it is a way he can properly grieve and hope to save me from the mistakes he made with his own girls. Ironically, I am much healthier with them as they keep me true to my regiment and help with clearing my airways.      They are also willing to let me live my life without hiding an embarrassing secret, which I am certain will nevertheless have me excommunicated from the family. I am not certain how you both will take the news, and if you wish to distance yourselves, I would not be offended and honor your wishes. Only four people know this, and you’ve both been quite like family to me, so I will share it with you, so you can decide if you still want to visit:      Since I was seven years old, I’ve struggled with identity. I have come to a conclusion that my gender dysphoria was caused from being raised in a female-styled family with no male influence, many links to me being female started when I was nine, steroids I was taking for my asthma starting my development on the incorrect path. Teen years were not easy, my actions certainly were not masculine as I avoided sports and sang soprano in my choirs until I was 18 years old, then lowered to alto. With my failing health, and depression from hiding this from my family, and hearing their opinions about transgender individuals with borderline on the violent side, I lived a double-life. About five years ago, when I could not work, my health was crashing, grandfather passed away and my relationship with Ruth failed, I accepted my nature and began converting my identity. I am enrolled in hormone replacement therapy and have plans to change my name and identity once I am fully adopted into the new family.      I don’t press my views on other people (as that personally annoys me); and so I will not be ashamed or upset if you still wish to refer to me as David. However, my identity will be shifted to Mira Carlene Messinger probably by the summer.      It has taken me much will to write this, and again, I understand this is much to accept...it took me a year just to accept it myself. So I expect, and understand that many old relationships will be destroyed by this.      Please let me know your thoughts.      I will certainly pass on your love to Cisco and AJ...they love the attention!

Steve: Your my son and I love you, that will never change! Barb's cares about you. Search your heart; seek Jesus . Remember, your my son. I will not turn my back on you!! We love you. Dad.

Barb: David your dad and I love you, We love you as David and will love you as Mira. We still want to be part of your life and we still want to see you.

 Mira: That is so comforting to hear! I can’t express how happy it makes me, that both of you are so willing to except me for who I am!  I still like to meet-up, catch-up on how you’ve been doing. Hopefully sometime in May would be great! With all my love!

     I was shocked to see that Barb and my biological father were so accepting of my transgender nature. When I sent the message, I watched the message gain a thumbs-down, then a angry face and finally a thumbs-up. This was probably because the revelation was shocking for Barb and Steve that she did not know how to respond. (amended 9-26-2019 — misleading information in article has been corrected after learning family past)

     REKINDLING A LOST LOVE

     Back in 2016, Ruth (Bisexual) and I got into a fight while traveling the Oregon Coastline. We had dated for over eight years and after that August disruption, we called it an end. It wasn’t until 2018 when I reached out to Ruth to talk about my transgender revelation; but did not tell her I was taking hormones and wishing to become female. Today, I sent a message to her to see what she thought.

     I have started coming out to a selected few as I don’t want these people to feel bad when I come out officially in May. It is easier to privately speak to these people...preparing them for my transformation:

Mira:  Thank you so much for reaching out...it means a great deal to me! I just want to drop a few lines to bring you up to date about what is going on. Much is about to change in my life and a few are on board to see me through, and I want to inform you too before I decide to go public about my choices.      So, after long deliberation, I have decided to move from my grandparents place and to Mason county. This move is due to the nature of my health, knowing they will not be there for me, and placing myself in the hands of someone who has experience with treating end-stage cystic fibrosis. They have asked for me to come live with them, and willing to adopt me into their family permanently. For about a year I said no, but have decided that living there is best for my physical and mental health.      The second change that is coming soon is to align myself with my identity. I have been in deep consideration and reflection and last year, I decided to act upon my gender-fluid issue by taking hormones to correct my physical form. As you know, I closely identify as female over male, and my discomfort in my body made me isolated and unwilling to be affectionate. Sorry for the ordeal this has put upon you, since taking hormones...I’ve noticed that it is so much easier to be comfortable with myself and have became deeply empathetic. It is wonderful!      If this makes you uncomfortable, I apologize and totally understand your feelings and respect any decisions you make. I     f you are willing to continue our relationship, I would like to start over! I know the past two years had some strain and I hope my choices will help us become closer. This experience has been hard upon me as I fear losing people I love, but I think it is time. I have came out to my new family to see what they think and they fully support my decisions and will help me convert over time. By summertime, I hope to leave my old life behind and become Mira Carlene Messinger.      Let me know your thoughts.      I’d like to set up a time for us to see a movie, there is a sad one about cystic fibrosis in the theaters right now. I’ve read the book, it was well written and hauntingly accurate. We could wait and see Avengers Endgame. Maybe this summer we can take a few day trips until we feel comfortable to take longer ones. Love you!

Ruth:  Hi Mira, I must say I am in awe of your courage in embracing who you are. I must also say you were right about me in noticing the characters I identify with are primarily male, and I have suspected for awhile that am either bi-gender or identify as male.

     For the time being, I'm staying physically female, but I am absolutely willing to both continue our relationship and start over.

     Once you admitted to me that you are female, it was like the whole universe aligned and everything just made sense. I would love to see a movie with you, and have been wanting to see both the CF one and the Avengers one.

     I'm dog sitting at the moment and am enjoying the time to be the alpha male I am inside. BTW, if I had been born a man, my name would be Timothy. As things stand now, I identify as both Ruth and Timothy, although only you, my sister, and my shrinks know that.

     I love you, Mira, and am excited to date my new girlfriend. Much love,      Ruth/Timothy

Mira: Much love too Ruth/Timothy...I love that name, very pretty. Be curious to hear about it!

     Sorry my last message was rushed, was talking with my soon-to-be family; been busy planning my room and needs...it is all rather exciting!  Just wanted to acknowledge your wonderful comment.      I certainly love you, either as Ruth, Timothy or both! And I wish to express my sincere gratitude that you shared this with me.      I always was pleased that you played the masculine role in our relationship...and it comforts me to start anew as your girlfriend.      It will take some time to conform, but from what my mom and dad say, looks like I am conforming quite well...even my moms 13 year old daughter is going to help me adjust...and I can always use advice along the way.      I can’t express how excited for our first date! As Mira, my world has open...it is amazing and I can’t wait to legally take the name!      Have fun dog sitting my young Alpha and I look forward to even possibly sharing our first kiss.      Let me know when you are free sweetheart!      Mira

Ruth: I will be done dog sitting on Monday. On Tuesday I work at L'Arche, but I am free all other days. As for my male name, the story behind it is quite simple. Either ultrasonic imaging hadn't been invented yet, or my parents chose not to know my gender right off the bat. My parents each chose a name for me. Dad chose Ruth Ann if I was a girl, and Mom chose Timothy John if I was a boy. I feel like both

Mira: Oh...that is so awesome! That is so wonderful that you have both of your given names! You are blessed to have such a loving mom and dad! They are great people! My schedule is pretty free, will be gone the weekend to clam dig and then gone the third weekend. I have my facenra injection on the 19th, digging clams 20-24th at Ocean Shores and see my transgender physician on the 26th for the first time. Anytime next week be wonderful!

#transformation #transgender #trans #gender fluid #genderfluid #gender bender #gender #COMING OUT #consequences #lgbt #lgbtq #LGBTQA #lgbtq community #feminine #hormone #hormone replacement therapy #body dysphoria #Dysphoric #sex hormones #change #feminism #fear #male to female #maletofemale

[archionblu]

so here’s that depression/depressing post. This is gonna be a lot of “woe is me my life is hard” bullshit when it’s really not. I’m a white girl being supported by my parents who both love me and are still together and make a lot of money and have me on their very good health insurance which pays for me to have many many competent and caring doctors. I also have two/three loving IRL friends who go out of their way to make sure I feel loved and several internet friends who do the same.

suicidal ideation, self harm, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, chronic health problems, negative self-talk, depression-anxiety-adhd-ptsd, generally not a recommended read

I tried to talk to one of my therapists about this today (yeah, plural, it’s a weird setup) but I didn’t feel like she really got what I was saying, or maybe she did but didn’t take it very seriously because I’m very bad about being open with my feelings

I’ve spent a lot, and I mean a LOT of time recently wishing I didn’t exist. Thinking about (and googling) the most efficient and least painful methods of suicide/dying. My fantasy is falling asleep from carbon monoxide poisoning (I had a friend in college who had that happen to her) and then just....sleep until I suffocate. That’d be the ideal. Because the idea of taking something and not being successful and ending up with even more life long health problems or brain damage because of it is more terrifying than being alive is. Similarly the idea of taking something, failing, and then having my access to my medications restricted for the rest of my life is not worth it. I just....aggressively want to pop out of existence. 

I am doing a part time job that I find alternatingly incredibly stressful and intensely boring. It was listed as an ‘office assistant’ position, but that was a lie. I am a cashier at a ice skating rink/community center. The closest to ‘office work’ I get is printing out receipts and signing people up for classes occasionally.

It’s so hideously spoiled of me, but I don’t want to keep doing this job. I only get a few angry customers, I have mostly nice people coming at me, but those people and the rush (and lines) and the times the machines malfunction or I screw u and having to handle coins and cash and do the change math in my head (the cash register doesn’t tell you how much change they get back) leave me exhausted and emotionally strung out by the end of my shift (which can be as short as 3 hours!). I also seem to struggle with counting the drawer at the end of the night, which just makes me feel useless and stupid because I can’t COUNT ffs. That’s pathetic.

Tomorrow I have a meeting early in the morning to have my boss passive aggressively remind me of the ‘processes and procedures’ because of the several times I’ve fucked up. I know it’s a mind-reading negative cognition, but I feel like all my coworkers think I’m incompetent. That’d be alright if I wasn’t trying at all. But I’m trying so hard to do well, and I’m just not.

I am not doing anything with my life. I am doing a job that the vast majority of people could do (and often do much harder jobs for less pay than I’m getting). I am not contributing anything unique or useful, I am simply a body to fill a seat. 

I go to school, one-to-two classes at a time, to finish an associates degree/certificate for a job I don’t think I can do because of my disabilities. I have no other career plans or aspirations. My ‘goals’ are me making up something to work towards so I don’t feel like I’m a total failure, not anything I’m actually passionate about achieving. 

I take up space and resources in my parents’ lives, and I don’t really contribute much except an overwhelming anxiety about how they’re going to make sure I’m taken care of after they die. My mom brings it up quite often-- about how she wants me to get a job that I can at least mostly support myself with or get disability (which fell through again, btw, for those of you who were following my application process, so I gave up and told the lawyer to drop the case. I’ll just wait until I qualify for the OTHER kind of disability). 

I hate looking in mirrors now. I may have lost 5lbs recently, but I still see the stretchmarks forming, the rolls I have trouble lifting and moving around, the face which looks like it’s set in a basin of lard peering out at the world. I hate leaving the house, because I have to put on clothes, and the only clothes that hide how grotesque my body is make me look like a frumpy granny mormon. (note: I don’t think other fat people are gross, because they have hips and boobs and butts. They have a shape. I have very narrow hips, no butt to speak of, and average sized boobs. I don’t have a shape, so more as a pile of lard propped up on some wobbly unstable legs.) Being depressed about my weight makes me eat more, candy and junkfood and pasta in the dead of night. I am .1 from a diabetic diagnostic in my blood sugar tests.

I fantasize about vivisection and self-mutilation constantly. Imagine cutting myself open down the middle and raking out the fat with my bare hands. Driving a orbitoclast (lobotomy ice pick) through my skull over and over until my brain trickles out of my nose, or sticking it through my eye socket and pinning myself to a wall with it like an insect stuck to a board. Tearing my legs off at the knees or the hip joints (to make the pain stop), popping them out of the socket and cutting them out like you do when taking chicken thighs off a whole chicken. 

I’m so tired of having my own body. So many doctor’s appointments and medications and “I can’t do XYZ” or “I’m disabled” etc. excuses and not being able to do much other than lie in bed and scroll through tumblr. For years, YEARS. I was on a speeding gocart  headed to hell all through highschool and then in 2011 I fell off into the fire and I never really made it back out. 

It doesn’t matter to me that people love me and I’m lovable. I believe people when they say that, but it doesn’t matter. Being lovable or loved doesn’t give me purpose or worth.

I’m too depressed and tired to even keep complaining right now, but yeah. That’s a fraction of what I’m dealing with and feeling right now. Merry Fucking Christmas. 

#day in the life of archie #archie screaming into the void

[plainlybiasa]

on life : 2021.08.10

so it’s been...idk, half a year? since my last post here?

and that means i’ve been seeing my psychiatrist for quite a few times now.

turns out i have both physical & mental reasons for my nausea :

the endoscope shows that the band at the end of my esophagus, which is supposed to keep stuff in my stomach from going back up, is sorta ‘loose’ & i can’t do anything to prevent that permanently unless i opted for a surgery. but the doctor advised that it’s not too serious for a surgery, but it’s really up to me if i decide to do it one day. or if it gets worse or/and unbearable. but anyway i was prescribed a type of medicine that could lessen the production of stomach acid so i’d feel lesser pain. a gastric med, if you will.

aaand, the psychiatrist i’ve seen told me i may have anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder) & the most recent visit, she also mentioned i may also have depression. which is not very surprising to me tbh. 

the long story for the mental diagnosis :

so one day i felt too overwhelmed & started crying in the car (luckily i was parked) & just needed to get some serious help. i called the hospital & slotted an appointment for me -- ngl i couldn’t even speak properly because i have no idea what i wanted : a therapy? a psycho...something? i didn’t know what kind of doctor i should look for but yeah we got through that -- and i braced myself for my very first encounter with a psychiatrist.

the first session was basically digging through my history & my physical conditions, and any possible changes that triggered the onset for the things i felt at the time. lo & behold i was immediately prescribed an antidepressant & i took it & went to my next appointments as best i could.

then some time in June i think -- i couldn’t go to my scheduled appointment (i had to be in self-quarantine because a close contact was covid-positive at that time) & i was like “okay then we’ll reschedule it once my quarantine is over.” but oh boy oh boy OH BOY. the time between that missed appointment & the rescheduled one, i can’t remember how long it was -- 2 weeks i think? -- things started to go off-track. when i think back to it, i could really feel the lows going way lower than i was used to the months before. could be it’s from the lack of meds assisting my brainworks, since i didn’t get any more meds since it ran out (was supposed to continue getting prescribed with it during that missed appointment but i didn’t get any obvs). all i could remember now was, during that 2-week-period, i was pretending everything’s okay when internally everything came crashing down, emotions ran wild, thoughts never shutting up.

so when i managed to go meet the psychiatrist on the rescheduled date, i literally cried. i couldn’t hold anything back; i spoke some sentences & i don’t think i managed to finish any stuff i talked about. of course i hated myself even more because what in the ever-loving fvck am i doing, crying in front of a person i barely know? the more i tried to stop crying, the more i cried.

the psychiatrist then prescribed an additional meds to the one i was already taking, i think because i was so...uncharacteristically miserable...at that session. maybe, i don’t know.

the session afterwards (2 weeks after that disastrous one) went better. i could think clearer, and had this sort of resolve i think? to get away from the stressing work conditions i was in all this while. the psychiatrist said i also may have burn out (surprise?) because i was like “yeah whatever” towards work now lol.

but anyway. yeah i’m on 2 kinds of mental meds now, on top of 1 physical meds. i may have to take them for the rest of my life but you know. i don’t really mind. if it helps me to function properly, i’m okay to it. at least for now.

work is still a pain btw -- but last week i took it upon myself to meet the department head & tell him how my anxiety was becoming worse compared to the last time we had a meeting (in the last post). i don’t know if it’s because how bad i looked/appeared to him (i could feel myself being on the edge of crying again tbh; my voice shook a lot), or if i sounded desperate, or simply maybe he didn’t have the patience to listen to my whole story (the whole meeting took like 5 minutes only) -- but he straight up said to me “would you want to try another thing?” and i immediately said “yes” because that’s what i’ve been wanting. i told him where my interest is in -- it’s gonna be out of his department -- and he assured me that he would try & see if he can arrange things to make this happen. so that’s that.

the change that i needed -- i’ve told about my interest in another field to my direct supervisor like last year during my annual performance review, and i’ve also asked my supervisor’s boss for other opportunities i can do, because i couldn’t keep doing what i’ve been doing these past year. i felt trapped. but i couldn’t see their plans for me, hence why i brought it to the head of department, partly also because he’s experienced a similar thing (anxiety), so i figured he understands it better.

so we’ll see what happens in the coming weeks.

#life

[nickikpopart]

Backstory “How to draw LOVE”

Warning!!! Content of depression. When u can´t handle it, don´t read it...

“I just wanna live, but why....” Part 1

Jimin´s POV

Namjoon needed some friends around him because he was feeling down and Jimin knew exactly why. It was an open secret between them. Namjoon was depressed because of his own feelings and fears. He liked men, he knows it but he can´t come up with it himself to his parents or in public. It really hard for him. His parents press him to marry a woman and have children but he knows for almost 5 years now that this will never happen. He didn´t told his parents yet. He can´t and I tried to help him to get through it and there. He always message me when he had his phases. He is not just my boss also a close friend.  When he messaged me at night, I knew what i had to do even i was with Jungkook now.

When I went to Namjoon, I left Jungkook a message which he answered just short after i had left the apartment. I wrote him, that i would explain it to him later. I hope that he will understand, because he only has me as a friend who knows everything about him.

“Hi Joonie.” I said when I open the door to his apartment. He had given me his code some time ago. Namjoon was sitting at the couch in the dark and was starring outside. I put the little light on at the sideboard. He recognized me when i was sitting down beside him.

“Oh hi Jimin. Sorry I can´t... . My mood is really not that good. Why am I like this? Why can´t I be myself? Why is it so hard?” Namjoon was always questioning himself which wasn´t a good sign at all.

“Joonie, don´t please, ok. I’m here now, talk to me!” After some minutes we started talking. He was about to cry. His feelings went over again. “Namjoon, u need to talk to your parents soon or it will eat you up. I know your biggest fear is that they won’t accept it, but you need to do it soon. You can´t go on like that.” 

“I know that Jimin. I really want that but…” Namjoon cracked up again.

“Ok, I really understand how u feel because we talk a lot. Can it be that it has to do with….” Jimin don´t wanted to speak it out.

“Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that Jin has someone now. I really regret that I didn´t came out yet. Not only for me, also for him. I´m lying to myself the whole time but Jin seems to be the perfect guy for me.” Tears started to run down on Joons cheeks while he poured his heart out. 

“Can I say something? I have the feeling that Jin still didn´t had forget you.” I wasn´t lying cause Jungkook had told me about Jin´s reaction when he heard about Namjoon. His eyes lighted up while telling him.

“But he has someone now.” Namjoon said a little surprised.

“Yes and Tae is also one of my best friend and I wish him to be happy but if Jin really has still feelings for you then I think Tae would accept it.” I tried to encourage him. “Cause I know Tae is also lying to himself somehow that he doesn´t like Hoseok anymore even he did something so terrible. I cannot forgive him, but I think Tae could might be doing it.”

“You are right, in first place for myself, I will talk to my parents. Would you stay by my side and help me? I don´t want to do this alone.” Namjoon asked me.

“Yes of cause I will help you and even your parents won’t accept it for now, u should stay up for it. Ok. I´m here for you and if you want we talk with the others.” I said, fearing to get a no from him.

“You are right, I have to tell my parents. This is important now. I want to be myself. Living the way I want and if they can´t accept it, then I have to live with it for now.” Namjoons mood lighted up a little. He looked now very confident yet I still see a little fear in his eyes. “Tomorrow, ok. I don´t want to wait anymore.”

“Ok, we will do that. I will be with you ok. I don´t leave your side.” I was kinda happy that Namjoon finally decided to come out to his parents. “And you know what, we can do a little Christmas Party this year. Here in the Café. Ok. To have some friends around you would be good.”

“That is a nice idea, Jimin. We can do that. But first the meeting with my parents ok!” Namjoon was really anxious about it but I would be by his side the whole time.

Next day, later in the afternoon.

"F... Jimin, why they can´t accept it. It´s my life. i want to live it how i want. ..." Namjoon was on the edge of crying. After the talk with his parents, he thought that he could live with their decision, but it made everything worse for him. Jimin couldn´t go with him because something came up, so Namjoon had to face it alone. But when he received a disturbing message from Namjoon, he immediately rushed to his Apartment. He knew him to good and the thought he could might do it again what he did almost 4 years ago, lead him to fasten up his speed.

"Namjoon, I´m here ok. Let me in please!" It took Jimin at least 15 minutes of pleasing, smashing his fists against the door and calm talking before Namjoon was opened the door. Blood shooted red eyes and shaking, like that, Namjoon stood in front of him. Jimin wrapped his arms around him und were holding him tight. After a while standing like this, both were sitting down on the kitchen table.

"Namjoon please. I kinda image how u feel right now, but there was no other way anymore than telling them everything. ok." Jimin talked to him with a calm voice.  "Promise me u won´t do anything stupid again. Show them that you don´t care about what they said. If they really love you and getting the feeling of loosing you because of that, they might change their minds."

"I feel like everything is going to break apart Jimin. It´s hard to accept that they don´t understand how i feel." Namjoon sighst and he tried to calm down. "You know i wont do that again. What are you thinking. This is my reality now and i have to live with it."

"Ok, i have your promise in that, but we should make an appointment with your doctor. Please!" Jimin said while searching for his phone. He was writing Jungkook. He needed his help.

"Ok, it seems i have to, but on one condition. You come with me, ok!" Namjoon knew Jimin couldn´t say no.

"Yes this time i will come with you. Btw... It´s almost Dinnertime and i´m hungry. I will go to the crocery-store to buy us something." Jimin said after he was done writing. "Ohh... ahmmm.. please don´t be mad at me but i wrote Jungkook to come over. I don´t wanna leave you alone while i´m gone."

"Jimin, why. You can trust me. He don´t need to come." Namjoons voice cracked. "Did you told him about my situation? I got your promise not to do."

"No Namjoon, i didn´t told him all about your situation. You shouldn´t be alone today. Jungkook is really nice and he said yes when i had ask him. You don´t have to talk about everything with him. Ok." Jimin said while putting his hand on his shoulder. "Don´t worry ok. When you feel that you wanna talk with him about it then you can do. He is a good listener and very understandable. Take your time to know him."

"Ok, i got it." Namjoon accepted Jimins decision cause he could be really persistant about things. Suddenly the doorbell rang. It only could be Jungkook around this time. Jimin stood up and opened the door. Just in time to receive a kiss on the cheek.

"Hi Jimin." Jungkook was really fast after he got the message. He was still in his apartment when Jimin had wrote him and asked him for help.

"Hi Kookie, so i will go to the grocery-store to buy some food. Do you want something too?" Jimin asked him knowing that he had eat already.

"Yes, i´m hungry." Jungkook said smiling. "Haha... sorry, i know its not really a good time to laugh." Jungkook didn´t told Jimin that Jin knew were he was because he didnt know how Jimin would react about the fact that he told his brother that he was going to Namjoon. He still thought about how his brother had react.

"It´s ok, i think it would be good for Namjoon." Jimin said while grabbing Jungkooks hand. "Namjoon..."

"Yes."

"Jungkook is here, so i will go now. I´m back in an hour ok." Jimin was putting on his shoes while talking to him.

"Ok..." Namjoon stood up and walked to them. "Hi Jungkook, nice meeting you again."

"Yeah, me too." Jungkook said a little nervous.

While Jimin was gone, Jungkook was still standing near the couch. He didn´t know if he should sitting down or not. It was a little  awkward. He didn´t know Namjoon very well.

"Come on, just sit down, ok!" Namjoon said a little frustrated.

"I´m sorry, it`s just..." Jungkook didn´t know how to start.

"... little awkward!" Namjoon completed his words.

"Yeah. So do you wanna talk?" Jungkook asked him carefully while sitting down.

"Not really. I don´t know, how much Jimin told you about me, but i don´t wanna talk about my problems with you yet." Namjoon made it clear.

"It´s ok. No problem." Jungkook nodded. "Do you have something to drink here. Like water or milk?"

"Yes, In the kitchen." Jungkook got up and were going to the kitchen to take the milk out of the fridge. It is so awkwardly silent between them while they waited for Jimin to come back. Jungkook really wanted to help but if Namjoon didn´t wanted to talk then he couldn´t do anything. After some time Jimin came back and Namjoons mood lighted up a little and he finally started to talk even with Jungkook. Jungkook got the whole story about his problems and was listen carefully. They were like that for half of the night. Just sitting there, eating and talking. Namjoon was doing mostly while Jungkook just listen to what he had to say. Jimin was just sitting between them. One hand on Joonies shoulder and the other hand interlocked with his boyfriends hand.

Backstory.... something is going on, but with some help Joonie will get through it. so a christmas party is in planning, we will see what happen there ;)

HOW TO DRAW LOVE AU ( 14/? )

Jimin follows a well known artist on Facebook; not knowing it is Jungkook; a boy he met two years ago and fell for despite being in a relationship. Jungkook suddenly disappeared on him without saying why and left Jimin with a lot of “what ifs”.

#jikook au #jikook social media au #kookmin au #goldenkookmin au #jiminie #jungkookie

[aurimeanswind]

New Daze—Sunday Chats (12-31-17)

We made it. By whatever means, we got through 2017 and we survived. You and I. So uh, congrats!

That’s an achievement, right?

Happy New Year

I know, it’s probably not great to make light of how seriously bad 2017 was for some people especially and how difficult, politically, it’s been here in the US, but at the close, I want to celebrate the best parts of it. We can find maybe a bit of hope in that? 

And I was lucky. Lucky for all the wonderful people I got to share time, however brief, with in 2017. I think, of all the things that happened to me across 2017, personal achievement included, spending time with the folks I love and adore is easily the highlight. A few specific and great memories:

PAX East 2017

PAX East again.

Kinda Funny Live 3

KFL3 again

Visiting my bff in Austin.

ExtraLife 2017

Philadelphia with the Jon from the Bro-C.

Even this last week taking the trip to Philly to hangout with Jon Anderson was a special reminder of how important the people in my life are. I am so sad that Tyler Treese couldn’t end up making it, but I know the three of us Bro-C boys will get together sooner or later.

Much like Star Wars the Last Jedi, 2017 have been full of some spectacular moments in my personal life. And some not great stuff too. 😏 #HotTake

But I am appreciative to anyone who spent any time giving me the time in 2017 and hanging out with some dude like me. You’re the real MVP and you’re the most special one of all. Thank you <3.

In 2018, obviously I want us all to aspire to make the year better, not just for ourselves and for multimedia, but for each other. Try and doing something not for yourself at all. Not for the cookie points, not for your ego, not to feel good, but just to do it to make someone else feel good. Just do someone for someone else and don’t think about it. Hey, maybe if you did that for 1000 days, it’d just become a big habit or something like that. I dunno, that sounds crazy to be honest. ;)

I wanted to take a moment and say I’ve been working on a ton! Most of that is game of the year stuff which starts going out TOMORROW. And you all should excited! We got a ton of fantastic collaborators for it and I am really excited folks gave us the time of day to continue talking about some fantastic and excellent video games.

What’s on Tap:

I’ve actually been playing a ton of stuff, so I wanted to kind of separate it differently:

Switchmas

I got a ton of stuff on Switch, including Splatoon 2, Steamworld Dig 2, Steamworld Heist, Stardew Valley, and Blossom Tales.

A big standout has been Splatoon 2, which I fell for way harder this time than the first. Salmon Run is a fantastic mode that I didn't even really know was in the game.

I’ll also say I’ve been falling back in love with the Switch, and the portability of the console is just amazing.

The Steamworld games are excellent, Stardew is right at home on Switch, and I’ll have  preview of Blossom Tales coming at some point so I’ll talk about that more later.

Okami

This game is still fantastic and it’s super great to have it on PS4, and I may just buy it again on Xbox One at some point to play it in 4K.

Few imitators to the Zelda throne come close or, by any means, dethrone the champion, but Okami does all of that and more, and is a must play in my opinion. An eternal classic.

Questions

Last questions of 2017. No pressure right?

I talked about them above, and I really stand by those moments of coming together. But I definitely had some amazing gaming and music moments beyond that.

Overall though, ExtraLife 2017 was the best weekend of my life. Hands down. I hope I appreciated it enough in the moment, and I think I did.

That time Greg Miller walked into my house, saw you, and pulled out his phone and immediately started playing Africa by Toto.

Also, that moment we were listening to Africa in my car, as covered by Ninja Sex Party, and you told me you liked it and were almost lost in the song.

So there’s that.

Man. The Hulk’s dick haunts my mind just like it’s gonna haunt Thor’s.

not Kingdom Hearts 3not Kingdom Hearts 3not KingdomHearts 3

IbelieveIbelieveIbelieveIbelieve

Uh, anyway, Probably Shenmue 3 am I right?

I also don’t think Spider-Man OR Detroit OR Days Gone will come out in 2018. God of War for sure comes out, and of the three, I’d say Spider-Man is the most likely, but I have some extreme doubts.

I MISS YOU TOO JOEY.

My big thing that seems different for me than most, mostly because I seem to love it where most else hate it, but FUSE PERSONAS ALL THE TIME. I loved hitting a couple level threshold and capturing a bunch of Personas and seeing what I could make from it. That kind of stuff has never been great for me in games, but in Persona, it’s so fun, probably because it’s so easy.

I’d also say capture every Persona you can get, by extension of that. Anytime you see a new one, try and get it, just so it’ll be in your compendium.

I’d say try not to stress too much about doing “everything” you can in your first play through. Straight up: you won't. Much like with life, spend time doing things and hanging with the people you like, and don’t worry about stuff that doesn’t grab your attention.

AND. AND. On top of this, don’t sweat about Best Girl. Find the person you like the most and don’t stress to much about other folks’ opinions. :)

Happy New Year Amy! Well, tonight I ended up with some Maple Whiskey (which was great) and some beer, but my go to on New Years is Champagne Asti. It’s that good bubbly stuff.

I’m so sorry Nabeshin. Hang in there bud. Also like, go to a doctor! Please! <3

It was a good personal 2017 and also a terrible personal 2017. My depression was as draining and terrible as its ever been, if not more, and it pushed me really far this year, but I also started a medication that’s really helped me and felt a bit more confident about that and personal health than ever before.

Obviously other things speak for themselves. It’s why I didn’t emphasize the bad, because the good is so, so good, and so much better.

I think a lot more people know who I am and what IP is now than ever. We’ll see what the future holds.

One.

Kingdom Hearts 3.

Which hasn’t/doesn’t happen ever. 

But also, I want there to be a celebration of kindness. There were some terrible revelations this past year about nastiness, and I hope that over boil completely in the opposite direction. That people make penance for being shitty as a society as a whole, and everyone just is nice to each other. Especially men to women, because boy are there a bunch of fucking bad dudes out there. 

So go out there and do some nice stuff and make a difference. 

Sounds like a plan. ;)

Happy new year everyone. I hope you have a killer year. I love you all, and I’m excited to share what I’ve been working on, what I’ve been doing, and what the future holds with you all. I think we can make it a better year and make a better difference, just by starting with being better. To ourselves, and especially to each other.

I’d like to hope that I’ve surrounded myself with these amazing people because of some hope, some want to do goodness and to have fun with one another and to one another, and as corny as it sounds (you can blame tonight’s drinks) I want to continue sharing and proliferating that. Through podcasts, conversations, awkward direct eye contact, hella hugs, and of course:

video games.

Happy new year. And, btw,

keep it real. 

❤️

#happy new year #video games #gaming #sunday chats

[mental-health-advice]

Hi, I think I might have depression, & I want to go to the doctor. The thing is, I don't know how to tell him, I know there's nothing to be ashamed of, but I'm still scared. I'm scared I won't be ill enough (I don't have suicide thoughts & I have days in which I feel fine), but I feel pretty sad all the time. How can I tell my doctor? And if I get a diagnosis, how do I tell my parents? They're really supportive but I'm still scared. Any advice is appreciated, thank you very much! (I'm 20 btw)

Hello Lovely,

I’m so proud you’re going to reach out to a doctor. That’s abig accomplishment and first step to feeling a bit better. I hope that you knowthat you’re doing your best and that you’re loved. It’s completely normal to feel scared. When you talk to yourparents make sure to sit them down alone. Bring out coffee, snacks. Set themood for conversation. Tell them that you need more support at this time andyou are experiencing a lot right now. Slowly you can explain to them whats beengoing on.  I’m glad that you can trust inyour parents and this relationship with them is very valuable and cherished. Havinga support team is heartwarming.

Before talking to your doctor make a list of what you wantto speak about. Write down all your worries and concerns. Take the list withyou . I find it easier this way because, I get nervous and forget most things Iplanned on talking about.  Also rememberto choose a doctor you totally enjoy going to. Someone who can guide you andhave patience. If for some reason he/she doesn’t respond in the way you wish, there are plenty of other professional’s you can confide in.

Read up more information about depression before you meet upwith the doctor. Recognize that you may feel uncomfortable sharing with him/herwhat you’ve been emotionally holding in but, ask for what you need. If you needa recommendation to local psychologists or even a psychiatrist it’s all your choice. This would be agood time to ask. If possible focus on what you would like to happen by meetingyour doctor.

 Try to let go of allnegative thoughts and meditate before the appointment. Remember you’re valuedand enough. You’re worth it and recovery and treatment are worth it. If you need someone to company you it’s okay too. You canask a close trusted friend or family member who will be able to hold your handthrew this.

“Perhaps the most important stepas your doctor will be able to help work out what’s going on for you, and whatis the best plan of action for you. All you need to do is call up to make anappointment and ask for an appointment long enough to talk about some mentalhealth stuff and how you’ve been feeling. In session the doctor will ask youwhat’s been going on for you, which will be followed by some routine questions(things like how often do you feel this way? Rate that feeling out of 10.) Thenthey will have a chat about some ways to get help and a plan of action theythink could be best for you.”-MHA

“Your doctor is the best “first responder” for all of yourhealth concerns – including those impacting your mental health, and should beboth willing and able to tackle this challenge.  But in the unlikely eventthat he or she does not act upon your concerns, don’t give up. If necessary,work with your health insurance provider to connect with other resources. Most health insurance providers offer an option for self-referral to amental health provider. Regardless of where you receive care, be patient withyourself and with your care providers. Each case is  unique, and it takestime to arrive at an effective individualized treatment plan.”- source 

 I hope that I helped even just a little. I’m wishing you thebest and most fulfilling support. Please take care and don’t hesitate to get incontact with us again if you decide to.

Xx mha-lupita

#depression #seekinghelp #resources #thoughts #emotions #therapist #doctor #talkingtothedoctoraboutdepression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthadvice #adivceblog #mentalhealth blog #MHA #mha-lupita #you'reworthit #family #supportteam

[jessicaxnicole]

November 15, 2012

I have wanted to write about this night since it happened, but yet here I am, almost 5 years later trying to figure out where to even begin. To protect myself from purging my emotions all at once, I have had to write this bit by bit. I haven’t allowed myself to think deeply about that night, let alone write about every detail. Part of me feels like I have put it off for so long because in a way, once I write it, reality will painfully set in even more. Another part of me feels like once I let it all out, I will finally get rid of this anchor sitting on my chest. I guess I will find out as I type and at this moment, i’m at a loss for words.

Something about that day, from the moment I woke up, didn’t feel right.. I should have been ecstatic because I was just getting ready to sign a lease for a beautiful townhouse with my friend but everything about the day just felt eery. The weather, my mood, everything just felt gray and I couldn’t put my finger on what it was causing me to feel this way. Driving home, I called my mom briefly and talked to her about the plans for the townhouse. At the time, I was already dealing with depression and happened to be seeing a counselor the following day in harrisonburg. So it made sense to also finalize everything with the townhouse since it was right down the road. Mom and I had a whole day planned out - go to my appointment, finalize the lease, and then a chipotle date since mom had never been. I was so excited because we never got to spend this kind of time together due to her job. Little did I know that my world was about to be completely rocked in a matter of 8 hours. The oncoming hours, are moments that I will always regret for the rest of my life. I felt depressed and all I wanted to do was get in bed and sulk in my emotions. At the time, I was taking Xanax (something I personally don’t recommend) because I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about everything. Mom had just gotten home from work and was getting ready to start her nightly ritual - cook me something for dinner, finish her charting from patients she saw that day, and watch a movie. She came upstairs to say hello and love on me per usual but I just pushed her away. I told her I just wanted another xanax so I could go to sleep. She tried cuddling up to me and again, I was just cold and distant. After a few minutes she got up and told me to come downstairs to watch a movie if I wanted, then left my room. If only I knew that was the last time I would get to talk to my mom, cuddle with her, see her beaming smile, and feel her unconditional love, I would have done it all so differently. But thats the shitty thing about life, you take for granted the most important moments and then its too late.

Mom went downstairs to finish her charting and a few minutes later my boyfriend at the time arrived and came upstairs to my room. One of the first things he said to me was that my mom was acting strange and didn’t speak to him much which was the complete opposite from her normal loving self. I didn’t really think much of it at the time because I literally just saw her moments before, so I completely ignored it.

The following events are honestly somewhat of a blur so bare with me if there are little gaps. I don’t know how to explain where my brain went during everything. I just know it all happened so quickly and oddly at the same time it was like I was watching my entire world fall apart in slow motion. We were getting ready to leave when I heard a huge crash. It reminded me of the time my moms beautiful picture hung up in the kitchen came shattering down to the floor. The only difference between both times is that when I yelled for mom, I didn’t get a response this time. My heart immediately started racing and I bolted to go run downstairs. That’s when I got to the top of the stairs and saw her laying face down on our kitchen floor. Her phone was thrown half way across the room, there was glass everywhere from a drink she was holding, and then I saw blood start to appear. I just remember screaming “MOM” and running down the steps. By the time I got to the bottom of the steps, there was a pool of blood filling so quickly and at the time, I didn’t even realize where it was coming from or what had happened. I started shaking her gently to see if she would wake up and again, no response. Her breathing was so strange, I still to this day can’t describe it. I started screaming at my boyfriend to find my phone and call 911 and of course, for whatever reason, my phone would not connect to 911. We finally were able to call on his phone and within minutes a cop was at my house. I just remember running outside screaming at the cop. I don’t even recollect what i was saying, I just know she kept telling me to calm down and tell her what happened while she followed me inside. As soon as she saw my mom she immediately began asking me if my mom was on blood thinners and a number of questions. Dad was not home but I had already called him at this point and then began calling everyone else I could think of that needed to know. The next few moments are honestly a complete blur to me, I just know my dad and the ambulance arrived at the same time. There was so many people, so many flashing lights and sirens, so many questions projected at me, all at once. I overheard one medic say they wanted to try to land Pegasus in our back yard, heard another say her eyes showed signs of a stroke. The next thing I know they’re landing the helicopter on 262 and mom was being flown to UVA.

As we’re in the car on the way to the hospital, I honestly thought she was going to be fine. I don’t know why I thought that considering the state she was in. When we arrived, we were immediately escorted into a “family room” and that’s when I knew something wasn’t right. I remember thinking why aren’t we being taken to her room? Where is my mom at? What the f*** is going on? The room just felt cold, not as in temperature cold, but the feeling it gave. It was just plain, with tissues on every single table. Nothing about that room gave me a good feeling and all I wanted was to get out and find my mother immediately.

That’s when the doctor walked in…I could tell by the pained look on his face that something really was not right. He then sat down next to dad and I and began telling us that mom must have had a fall that caused severe, irreversible brain trauma and that there was nothing they could do for her. I don’t remember anyone else’s reaction in the room and honestly its probably better that way. I do recall practically attacking him with so many crazy, ridiculous questions like i was some doctor. Honestly I wish I could apologize for some of the stupid shit I said but in those moments I had no control over my reactions. For instance, I asked him if they could drill a hole in her head to relieve pressure/blood but then he had to explain just how severe the trauma was, and how drilling a hole would only make it worse. My dumb self even began to ask if he could do a transplant but then thats when common sense kicked in and I realized how stupid I sounded and shut up (and btw, of course I know you cannot do that).

Part of my brain completely shut off any memory of what happened when they took us to her room. The parts I do recall are just of me running frantically back and forth between her room and the hallway. I couldn’t handle seeing her like that so I’d bolt out the room, just to turn right around and come back because I didn’t want to leave her side. Mom was always the one taking care of us, so knowing I couldn’t do a damn thing to help her was and is still the most helpless feelings in the world.

The doctors began talking about the decisions and plans we needed to make because time was a factor. If we wanted to donate her organs, we would need to pull her off life support within the next few hours. If we didn’t want to donate, we could keep her on life support but that was the only thing keeping her alive. My mom never wanted to live life if she couldn’t do what she loved and help everyone around her. Like I mentioned before, she was always the one providing care, and she never wanted anyone to have to care for her. To be on life support and have everyone taking care of her was something she did not want. Her and dad apparently had a conversation about if something were to happen and he ultimately made the decision to honor her wish by choosing to donate her organs. She without a doubt was the most selfless human beings I have ever met and I’m so glad I could help chose to let her “give back” one last time by donating.

The following day, November 16, 2012, was when she was officially pronounced dead. For me though, I will always consider the 15th the day she really left us. Dad and I were already home during the time she passed and we believe she decided to give us one last “goodbye”. Dad was downstairs when he heard someone open and close the door to let my dog in. When he went in the living room to see who it was, no one was there. I, at the time, was trying to sleep and drown out everything that just occurred when I had the strangest dream. I dreamt dad and I were standing in some field, talking to mom, except we couldn’t physically see her. I just remember her saying “I’m okay honey, I love you so much”  over and over. The harsh reality of course would set in the moment I woke up.

To this day, we do not know what made her fall the way she did. She was only on the second step heading upstairs when she fell. The doctors say that she practically did a head dive into the floor and more than likely she had suffered from an aneurysm or a stroke before the fall. Unfortunately, we will never know exactly what happened because the autopsy wasn’t able to determine due to the severity of brain damage. Except, I know for a fact that if my mom was conscious or able, she would have attempted to catch herself. That is something I am still trying to find peace in.

To say the past 5 years have been hard, would be an understatement. Although, I can honestly say I am finally happy with where I am in life now. Everyday I try to remind myself of what my mom would want and how I can strive to be just like her. She would want me to be happy and successful in whatever I am passionate about. It may have taken going to hell and back but again, I am finally where I need to be in life and that is all that matters. I still have a ways to go and more growing to do but honestly, I am proud of how far I have come. Everything I do is for you, Mom.