#i am aware this is unhealthy but i choose to keep doing it cause i dont have the mental capacity to face my issues now

[gurorori]

not even reality aita more like aittw Am I In The Wrong

#tw sh #cause i keep mentionin dat naw i aint recoverin anytime soon n any measures i might take 2 distract myself or soften da blow Wont work cuz #a) distraction is like. momentary almost like wat wld we do? watch sum yt stuff? dat aint enuff 2 capture me usually id def jus go on n do #it during da watch #b) softenin da blow doesn work cuz yea i used other methods before where there naw blood but over da years i jus gawt so attached 2 watchin #it its even more of a factor 4 me than da pain atp. like da blood is da thing dat calms me. its why i do it. #i kno itll b a while. n i do appreciate when someone can Sumhow talk me outta it or redirect it sumwhere or stop me #but like Most times i genuinely do nawthin more than thin scratches. i jus kno my places well n i choose spots dat ik bleed well #i jus want someone 2 b with me when i do it. is dat too grim? SLASH GEN i cant tell if dats too much 4 ppl. icant tell if it an unreasonable #request. nawt even in person i jus want company n sm1 2 talk 2 thru it. like genuinely ive turned 2 a few friends before who also do it. n #jus. do it together. n talk. or without the togethr part. literaly jus me havin sum company #icant epxlain why i need it. iguess like i said it be4. supervision. don wanna feel alone either #so. am i innda wrong?? am i bein too stubborn or crazy ab this? i aint anti recovery. i jus painfully aware i aint recoverin anytime soon #i kno my mindset is as unhealthy as can b but is it like Dat detrimental? considerin da circumstances?

[jakesuit0]

What Was Missing Review

Finn is revealed to regularly have alone time with the wad of Princess Bubblegum’s hair she gave him in “To Cut a Woman’s Hair”. It’s essentially a PG version of a guy still holding on to their ex’s underwear for personal use. The allegory is pushed forward with Finn checking to make sure he is alone. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t exactly shocking behavior for a thirteen year old boy, but it’s the first big sign that Finn’s crush is getting unhealthy after “Too Young”. It’s time to move on! Unlike “Wizard Battle”, I like the incorporation of Finn’s feelings, despite the arc feeling like there’s nowhere to go after “Too Young”. It’s not the main conflict in the episode, and serves to build to a climax in the season finale.

The Door Lord steals Finn’s gum, Jake’s blanket, and BMO’s controller. It’s hilarious that he only speaks in loud mumbles. He’s supposed to be related to Key-per from “The Enchiridion!”. The Door Lord steals a toy from a candy person and Finn reassures him “I’ll get your kid back, toy!”. The episode wasn’t originally written this way. Adam Muto misspoke when he was pitching the episode and they thought it was funny to keep it like that. Door Lord steals something from Bubblegum and attempts to steal Marceline’s bass axe. With Maja being in possession of Hambo, it makes sense for her bass axe to be her most important item. Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, Marceline, and BMO have to team up to solve the riddle of the door. It’s great getting to see this group of characters together for the first time. It’s the entire main cast minus Ice King, and they get so few opportunities to all be together before Stakes. Their group dynamic is so fun too. The episode is set in Red Rock Pass, which is a really pretty setting to choose for a (mostly) bottle episode. 

Marceline chastises Bubblegum for not executing the door lords, as they kept breaking out of jail. I’m not sure if PB is really above just killing them, considering all the fucked up stuff she’s done in the past. But, killing might be a bridge too far for her. I know she committed robot genocide, but I argue she didn’t see them as sentient beings. Jake decides to pretend to be the jerk in the band. Since Jake doesn’t have a grand emotional arc, this is a funny role to put him in. Marceline starts singing “Just Your Problem”:

-“I’m gonna drink the red from your pretty pink face”. This pretty much gives the game away about PB and Marcy not being platonic. She’s singing about kissing and biting PB. 

-PB calls it “distasteful”, causing Marceline to accuse her of just not liking her. This ties into PB not liking Marceline’s behavior when she got more and more consumed with her princess duties. Marceline became well aware of this by their first mission to the Glass Kingdom (“Oh c’mon, you love it.”). 

-“Sorry I don’t treat you like a goddess. Is that what you want me to do?” She’s calling out PB’s god complex. Marceline assumes Bonnie thinks she’s better than her, like how she sings “you’re self-obsessed and all the rest” in Distant Lands.

-“Sorry I don’t treat you like you’re perfect, like all your little loyal subjects do. Sorry I’m not made of sugar. Am I not sweet enough for you?”. Marceline thinks Bubblegum demands absolute loyalty from everyone as she does with her citizens. She thinks PB would prefer Marceline to be a dum dum juiced moron that never questions her. We don’t know if Marceline is aware of the dum dum juice, but I like to think that she’s partially referring to that. It also relates to Marcy viewing PB as a dictator as she sings in “Woke Up”. She thinks PB wants her to turn down her edginess and be sweeter, like when she wasn’t taking the situation in the Glass Kingdom seriously, something I’m sure wasn’t an isolated incident. 

-I’ll lump together “Is that why you always avoid me?” with the later line “I forgot what landed me on your blacklist.”  Some people question why Marceline wonders this considering her singing “Woke Up” is the obvious answer. I think she’s partially referring to PB’s actions before their breakup. Bubblegum grew more distant as her responsibilities grew, something that confused and hurt Marceline. PB talks about this in “Varmints”. She’s also referring to PB being cold to Marceline for centuries after their breakup. Even when they were around each other in “Power Animal” and “Video Makers”, we don’t see them talking. Bubblegum was very dismissive of Marcy in “Go With Me”. This is partially Marceline’s fault, as she can be really rude and mean to Bonnie, as seen in this episode. 

-“I shouldn’t have to justify what I do.” Marceline doubles down on acting the way she thinks people perceive her. If people think she’s a monster, it's less painful for her to embrace it. This is something she picked up on from thinking she scared her mother away.

-“I shouldn’t have to be the one who makes up with you so why do I want to…” Marceline thinks that since PB is the one who pushed her away, PB is the one who should take the initiative of making things right. There is some truth to this, but as we see in “Obsidian”, they are both more at fault than Marcy is willing to admit. The faces on the door glow brighter and Marceline gets closer to the truth. The truth is she wants to at least be friends with Princess Bubblegum again. That’s the real reason she joined the group here. Reconnecting to PB is something we’ll see her try to do in episodes like “Sky Witch”, “Princess Day”, and “Varmints”. 

The song itself slaps. “Just Your Problem” is super popular, so much so that tons of non-fans know the song. A big reason being that it’s probably the most relatable Adventure Time song ever. A lot of people have friends and lovers that drifted away from them or became downright cold to them due to their differences. Rebecca Sugar even based the song off of her experience with a roommate. Princess Bubblegum’s face during this is also pretty telling. She was definitely having flashbacks to the last time Marceline humiliated her with a song. PB’s face turns to shock when Marceline is on the verge of revealing she wants to make up with her. I don’t blame Bonnie for not realizing this. Marceline’s general nastiness towards her, and of course what she said about her while singing “Woke Up”, would give PB the opposite impression. 

Finn doesn’t fully grasp the tension between PB and Marcy, but is able to diffuse the awkwardness and get everyone (besides Jake) to have fun together. I also like how sweet Marceline is to BMO, gently calling him “baby”. I like PB’s quirky attempt at a science based song, which is more fitting for her than singing her heart out like Marceline and Finn. Her song fails and Marceline uses it to antagonize PB. She fixates on Bonnie’s failures as she feels insecure in her presence. The words “monster trash” are definitely echoing in her mind here. Marceline is still really nasty to PB. A lot of it feels like unwarranted bullying without the context of future episodes, but even with the context, it still feels that way to an extent. Spitting on PB is pretty inexcusable and Bubblegum is totally right to walk away after it. Their conflict boils down to Princess Bubblegum’s ego and Marceline’s insecurity clashing. I also like the detail of Shelby slithering back into Jake’s smashed viola. 

As a final effort, Finn sings “My Best Friends in the World” after realizing the key to the door is the truth:

-“Am I a joke…?” Finn worries that Marceline doesn’t respect Finn, and perhaps only hangs around him because she enjoys messing with him. This is an understandable fear with episodes like “Henchman”. It’s still fundamentally untrue, squashed by the end of “Henchman” and in “Heat Signature”. There is no denying, however, that she loves trolling Finn. She likes messing with everyone, Finn’s young mind just makes him an easier target.

-“...your knight…?” This could be taken to mean Finn wonders if PB only keeps him around, and entertains his advancements, just to use his service to the kingdom. It’s true that Bubblegum employs Finn a lot, and isn’t above manipulating him for her benefit (“The Other Tarts”, “Too Old”, “James”), but she still genuinely enjoys his company whether they are working or just hanging out. He might also just be referring to this positively, as her knight in shining armor.

-“Do you look down on me because I’m younger?” All of Finn’s closest companions are older than him, and it makes sense that this weighs on him. Even Jake, who is often close to Finn’s level and acts as a best friend, also often acts as his parental guardian. This line applies most of all to Bubblegum, given how recent “Too Young” is. The events of that episode are still raw for Finn, and PB’s behavior to him after her age was restored came across as condescending and dismissive. 

-“I just wanted us together and to play as a band. Last night was the most fun I’ve ever had.” Finn loves getting to finally hang out with everyone he loves together and feeling like part of a family.

-“Even liked it when the two of you would get mad at each other.” Finn prefers honesty between friends, and appreciates seeing their more vulnerable side as they are usually more closed off from their true emotions in front of him.

-“You are my best friends in the world. And that’s right, I’m talking about the two of you girls. And you Jake.” With his parents dead, the three of them are by far his closest companions. He’s even grown very close to Marceline in recent times. It’s kinda mean to exclude BMO, who’s right there, but BMO becomes more of a part of Finn’s family over time than he is here. 

-“I’ll forget that I lost a piece of your hair. I’ll remember the pasta that we shared over there”. Very sweet line about how the wad of hair doesn’t really matter, the time he spends with PB and getting to be her friend is what’s meaningful to him. I like how the pasta has a double meaning. He obviously just shared pasta with her, but he also had a pasta dinner with Bubblegum when she gave him the hair. 

Finn’s song is my favorite moment of the series so far, and one of the best scenes ever in the series. I thought “Just Your Problem” was Adventure Time’s best song up to now but it’s then immediately topped. I love everyone participating in the song, especially Marceline singing along with Finn for parts of it. Finn’s song causing even PB and Marcy to harmonize together is great symbolism for Finn helping to bring them back together. Even Jake finally breaks character, he’s too caught up in the moment! Rebecca Sugar drew on her feelings of being a young newcomer when she joined the Adventure Time staff to write this song. Worrying about how your friends see you and if they respect you is another very ubiquitous concern. 

The group realizes that the Door Lord showed them that the real treasure is friendship. It’s very cheesy but the contents of the episode does enough to justify it. It’s cool how well the episode ties two themes into this episode: friendship and honesty. The quick cut from the Door Lord happily seeing they got the message to him being bruised and tied up is hilarious. They get their items back, including the famous rock shirt. It’s not at all PB’s style, going to show how much its pure sentimentality means to Bubblegum. The reveal that PB kept the shirt comes as a shock to Marceline. She realizes that Bonnie doesn’t see her as just her problem. Marceline blushing and PB revealing she wears the shirt all the time as pajamas are heavy hints to their romantic pairing. Their interactions in this episode are very queer-coded, even though they aren’t hitting us over the head with it like they do in season 7 onwards. The episode itself gives enough to figure out the broad strokes of Marceline and Bubblegum having a past and a falling out without giving the details, and it’ll be a long time until they are willing to explore it more at all. It’s revealed that Marceline only joined to hang out with them. Beyond reinforcing the theme of friendship, Marceline and PB now know that the other is interested in reforming a connection again, even if Marceline will have to be the one that ends up instigating it. 

“What Was Missing” is a fan favorite for good reason. The two musical numbers are the biggest draw and they are incredible. Rebecca Sugar using her own personal experiences to write them makes them feel so raw and personal. It’s some of the most direct the series ever is about Marceline and especially Finn’s thoughts and feelings, with them explicitly singing them. It’s refreshing to get some clear cut insight as the show is usually much more guarded. I wouldn’t want the series to always be this direct, but it's nice to have moments like these every once in a while to help provide insight into their other appearances. The episode is essentially a precursor for Steven Universe. You could slot in Steven for Finn, Pearl for Bubblegum, and Amethyst for Marceline quite easily. I also really like PB in this one! Despite “What Was Missing” having not one, but two characters that are in love with Princess Bubblegum, she gets to shine. It’s definitely more Marceline-heavy, but I like PB standing up for herself, getting to see her side of the conflict, and the return of her quirks with her scientific song. PB and Marceline also have pretty great outfits here, and it’s definitely their most iconic looks besides their default outfits. 

Rebecca Sugar has since stated that she wrote PB and Marcy as exes in this episode. She felt their interaction in “Go With Me” read that way. The episode does a great job extrapolating from that brief interaction. According to Rebecca Sugar, she pitched this idea to Adam Muto, who she boarded the episode with, and he approved. They ran this by Pen who also liked it. Cartoon Network forbade the crew from being explicit with it. They still did a good job making it as clear as they could with the restrictions and the fandom picked up on it. Rebecca Sugar wanted to include LGBTQ representation and felt that exploring it through the lens of two exes with a past was the best path to getting it in. Despite it only being subtextual, it was a big deal for 2011. 

This episode stirred up quite the firestorm. It’s possibly not a coincidence that it would take almost two years for PB and Marcy to interact again. The Fredator associated Youtube channel Mathematical! posted recaps after the airing of Adventure Time episodes. After the airing of “What Was Missing”, their recap speculated on the possible romantic pairing between Princess Bubblegum and Marceline, interlaced with overtly romantic drawings of Marceline and Bubblegum from character designer and storyboard revisionist Natasha Allegri. As a result, Fredator fired Mathematical! producer Dan Rickmers, deleted the video, and cancelled the Youtube series. Times were different then, but that’s no excuse for such an overreaction. Fred Seibert offered the following explanation:

“Well, I completely screwed up. There’s been chatter on the internet recently about our latest Adventure Time “Mathematical!” video recap that we created, posted, and removed here at Federator. I figure it’s time to clear up the matter. In trying to get the show’s audience involved we got wrapped up by both fan conjecture and spicy fanart and went a little too far. Neither Cartoon Network nor the Adventure Time crew had anything to do with putting up or taking down our latest re-cap. The episode ”What was Missing” remains a terrific short and will be shown again and again just like any other Adventure Time episode. I let us goof in a staggering way and I’m deeply sorry it’s become such a distraction for so many people.” It’s a really weak reasoning as Mathematical! had always been a fan oriented show and that’s what the entire fandom was talking about. Still, I’d expect this from an executive. What was unexpected were Adam Muto’s comments: 

“If it was just a fan video there would be no problem at all. The problem was that it was made by a production company actively involved with the show. The video took something that was a possible subtext and declared it, in effect, text and made it seem like the production was actively seeking out input on plot development. That's all there is to it.” Considering Sugar said that Adam Muto agreed with that interpretation, it would have been for the best if he just stayed out of the situation. That’s what Pen Ward did ("It’s hard to comment on that, because there were so many extreme positions taken on it all over the Internet, and it happened so quickly. I don’t really want to comment on it because of that, because there were so many extreme sides taken. It was a big hullaballoo.")

Now that we know Bubbline was in fact the crew’s intention, and it’s since been explicitly canonized, the situation is just even dumber. Dan Rickmer is definitely owed an apology. But what’s really important is the series no longer having to keep their relationship a big secret.

Grade: A+

#adventuretime #adventure time #what was missing #finn and jake #jake the dog #finn the human #princess bubblegum #marceline #bubbline #rebecca sugar

[luna-rainbow]

do you think Bucky ever tried to kill himself?

Thanks for the ask Nonnie. Trigger warning for suicide discussion.

I once saw an interview excerpt of Sebastian saying — along the lines of — it’s the thought of Steve that stopped Bucky from killing himself in the 2 years he went on the run. My headcanon is pretty similar to his.

TL;DR - I think Bucky would have had frequent thoughts of suicide, but did not make an attempt, because he would have succeeded. I also think that even though Bucky did not attempt it, he nevertheless engaged in risky, self-sabotaging behaviours that could have killed him.

In real life, while suicide attempts are more frequent amongst women compared to men, deaths from suicide (ie successful attempts) are far higher amongst men than women. This is usually attributed to the fact that men frequently choose more lethal methods. Coupled with the fact that Bucky knows he’s a super soldier, and my view of his personality (efficient with his missions and ruthless towards himself), as well as the one canon mention of a male super soldier attempting suicide (Bruce “I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spat it back out”) I think he would’ve chosen a very deadly method if he made an attempt.

But I think what often happens with men (and women too) is that...sometimes people knowingly engage in behaviours that are unhealthy or highly unsafe. They might not intend to die, but they wouldn’t mind if it kills them. The social norms Steve and Bucky grew up with is that men are not allowed vulnerability and weakness. There was no word for PTSD in those days, nor was there a word for depression. You just kept getting more “melancholic” until it’s bad enough to be classified as “insane”. And when you take that into the eugenic context they grew up with, it is likely their attitude is to cop it on the chin for as long as it takes to avoid a mental health review or diagnosis. But…that means the sense of distress and self-loathing keep building up and need an outlet.

In real life, people sometimes turn to drugs and alcohol, often with full awareness the harm it’s doing to their bodies, and I am partial towards headcanons of Bucky engaging in highly risky behaviour in the immediate aftermath of escaping Hydra. This might be drugs and alcohol, or it could be taking on risky missions with minimal attempts at self-preservation. You could argue the same about Steve after Bucky’s death: Steve jumping across the fire because Bucky yelled at him vs Steve putting the plane in water despite Peggy pleading with him.

When TFATWS first introduced Bucky breaking the law and jeopardising his pardon to terrorise former Hydra agents, that felt real to me. He was self-sabotaging and self-destructive, and his snarl that “if he’s wrong about you then he’s wrong about me” means his identity is tied up with someone who wasn’t there anymore and he was never going to get the approval he needed again.

I think, the other thing to consider too, is Bucky having survived 70 years of Hydra torture suggests an incredible mental and physical resilience. We know he’s not hopelessly optimistic — in CATFA he’s the one trying to dissuade Steve from joining the war — but there must be…a certain kind of faith and relentless hope that keeps him going. The fact that he has had not one, but at least two (or three, if you count Endgame) villain origin character beats and still does his best to fight for the good side, suggests he has an indomitable love for people and the world despite how much hurt it caused him.

So I tend to think that while suicide may have frequently been on his mind, and he may have frequently engaged in highly risky or harmful behaviours, he hasn’t attempted to take his own life because there is something (whether that be Steve or some other thing) that keeps him going and keeps him believing there’s going to be a better tomorrow on the other side.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes meta #tw: suicide #tw: drugs #asks

[narcissism-awareness]

i feel like you're kinda downplaying the possibility of pwNPD being abusive. your blog has a "oh it NEVER happens" vibe. im not officially diagnosed, but my psych test did end up showing symptoms of it. however, i do have bipolar, and the reality is that i have hurt people and that my mental illness *was* a factor in it. it didnt exist in a vacuum. especially when i wasnt medicated.

like i dont blame people who see me having BP and wanting to move away and call them ableist for that. my mental illness will forever be a factor in the way i experience world - and im not saying OH I WAS AN AWFUL PERSON TO THESE PEOPLE, but i mean it in a way "my cycles of mania and depression have hurt people dear to me, even though i wasnt directly hurtful to them". they couldnt cope with it or my needs and thats okay.

i feel like youre being rly dismissive of people who were abused by people with personality disorders. i was abused by someone w BPD and their mental illness *was* a factor in it. the same way my BP/OCD/BM/ADHD affected others. its dishonest to pretend NPD exists in a vacuum.

I never claimed that it never happens, just in most cases of people calling abuse "narcissistic abuse," their abuser was actually self centered or egotistical and not diagnosed with NPD. (most cases, not all)

It is not ableist to call out abusers who have NPD, what's ableist is to call an entire mental disorder abusive. Or to blame abuse on a mental disorder.

While sometimes we may unintentionally hurt others due to our symptoms, abuse is a choice. People choose to manipulate, use, degrade, and gaslight others. That's not something that happens as a symptom of a mental disorder.

It is true NPD can make us to have little regard for other people and their emotions, which can cause some unhealthy and unstable relationships. But it does not cause us to systematically abuse others?? Thinking that is ableism.

However I acknowledge how you said my blog can feel dismissive of abuse victims. Obviously, in any scenario abuse is not ok. Victims should be able to get resources to escape and recover from abuse. But ableism is not excusable just because your abuser(s) had a mental disorder.

The goal of this blog is to call out ableism and spread awareness about NPD. My posts are usually very matter-of-fact because of this, which may make me sound dismissive to abuse victims. (Keep in mind I am autistic and narcissistic so it's hard for me to judge how others will receive my tone)

I apologize for this and will try to be more welcoming to abuse victims when I can, but the main goal is still informing people about NPD and debunking ableist stereotypes.

#npd #narcissism #narcissist #narcissistic abuse #narc abuse

[mbti-notes]

im isfp and i cant figure out why i always help people unnecessarily or do favours that i dont want to do. i always am searching for external validation and im beginning to stress over being a pushover. I dont want to be one yet i still am and am too afraid to say no because then people might view me as not “nice” or change their minds on me. i think that would be my biggest fear. do you have any advice on overcoming this?

You say you aren't able to figure out why and then went on to answer why: "...because then people might view me as not “nice” or change their minds on me".

1) Set Priorities and Goals More Consciously: Generally speaking, people make decisions based on what is important to them. And when there are many things important to them and not enough time/resources to attend to them all, they have to prioritize and choose their top concern(s).

The way you make decisions indicates that your top concern is being liked, so you pursue this goal, at the expense of other important goals. If you wish to change this, then you have to: i) reflect on what else is important to you, ii) reset/rearrange your priorities, and iii) change your decision-making accordingly. As long as you keep prioritizing this desire to be liked, nothing will change.

2) Improve Your Emotional Intelligence: You are at the mercy of your emotions, particularly fear (of being disliked). If you don't want to be blindly driven by emotions and, instead, want to make decisions more rationally, you have to become more aware of how your emotions work and learn to manage them more consciously.

i) Root Cause: One thing you should do to resolve an unhealthy fear response is to understand the root cause of it. There are four unconscious responses to fear: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These are primal emotional responses that evolved when humans were still living as animals, so they are not necessarily good strategies when dealing with the complexities of modern human socializing.

You have formed the habit of fawning over people in order to neutralize any threat they could pose to you. This raises an important question for your reflection: Why is it that your first instinct is to view people as "threats" to be neutralized? How did you come to adopt this negative attitude of mainly seeing the negative side of people, of being afraid of them hurting you?

Usually the root cause has some relation to: past experiences of rejection or abandonment; faulty beliefs about how the (social) world works; overactive imagination (e.g. catastrophizing); social incompetence; inferiority complex. You have to learn to be more mindful of these issues in order to disarm them. If you're unable to get to the bottom of the fear by yourself, therapy is a good idea.

ii) Confront: Another thing you should do to resolve an unhealthy fear response is to take gradual and graduated steps to confront the fear so that you can realize just how irrational it is. "Irrational" means the intensity of the fear is out of proportion to the reality of the threat. By accumulating a lot of real-world evidence to contradict your irrational beliefs, it is easier to put them to bed.

Confronting your fear means learning how to say "no" in social situations and observing what happens. How people respond to your "no" isn't the main point. The main point is you have to learn that, whatever happens, it's not the end of the world, it's not going to kill you, it's not as bad as you imagined, and you can handle it.

Question: Do people like/love you for real? If they do, they wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you, right? Saying "no" to them should spark curiosity and conversation rather than anger or rage. But if you never say "no" and never explain to people what hurts you, they won't have any idea about it and they'll keep doing hurtful things without realizing. And in the event that saying "no" does spark anger and you unfortunately discover that someone doesn't like/love you for real and is only out to get something from you, wouldn't you want to know the truth and have an opportunity to stop being mistreated or exploited by them?

In other words, knowing the truth about each other is very important for developing healthy and close relationships. People won't know the truth about you and you'll never learn the truth about them until you are able to speak up and advocate for yourself.

3) Improve Your Social Intelligence: You choose to fawn over people because it is the easiest path. You probably believe that saying "no" is the more difficult path because you don't know how to do it and, particularly, how to handle the aftermath.

If social incompetence is the main factor holding you back, then it would be a good idea for you to study and learn better social skills, particularly communication, assertiveness, and boundary setting. Without these skills, you won't know how to say "no" in a way that still allows you to maintain harmonious relationships with people. See past posts and the book recs on the resources page for more info.

4) Type Development: Being an unhealthy introvert means you don't know how to extravert without causing harm to yourself, so you end up failing and then sabotaging your growth by avoiding extraverted development. It might be necessary for you to learn how to use your auxiliary function appropriately, see the Type Dev Guide.

#isfp #fear #social anxiety #assertiveness #boundaries #saying no #emotional intelligence #social skills #ask

[jasper601]

Seeking Yahweh’s Help

Abba Yahweh, I humbly bow before you in the authority of Yahushua, asking that you dismantle and annihilate all forces of darkness that are exalting itself against the knowledge of your will.

I do confess that sometimes I am too concerned with the physical occurrences, and this causes me to neglect the spiritual power you have made available unto me.

Therefore, I ask you to open the eyes of my mind that I may become more aware of the spiritual battles taking place around me, and be reminded that these battles are yours and not mine.

Remind me that there is a real enemy seeking to destroy me and my loved ones. Therefore, help me not to invoke unhealthy fear in my heart, but rather, let me execute alertness that leads to obedience.

Use the Holy Spirit to awaken me, that I may become more attentive, watchful, and sober minded. Grant me wisdom to better discern the way the enemy is attacking me and my family, so that I may become more intentional in choosing the right method of approach .

Heavenly Father, thank you for not leaving me and my loved ones defenseless, for you have given me everything I need to pursue life and godliness. You are a generous and caring Father, who desires to protect and equip us with exactly what we need.

Give me urgency to put on the spiritual armor that you have provided, and help me to not rely on my own armor. Let me be clothed with your entire armor, to be defended against all the wiles of the enemy.

I now clothe myself with the girdle of truth, to make me stand firm. The helmet of salvation to protect my mind against the strategic schemes of the enemy.

The breastplate of righteousness to protect my heart from any invasive measures he has concocted.

The sandals of peace as I keep my heart and mind stayed on Yahushua.

The shield of faith to quench every evil and destructive dart sent my way.

And may I stand firm in your Word, that will defend me at all cost, and not to stand in my inadequate strength.

Thank you Abba for being a mighty warrior and a strong protector. You call me to stand firm, not in my own strength and might, but in Yours. Your power has no end and your authority demands even the demons to obey Your will. Help me O Abba, to rely on your matchless power and remain unmoved.

When I fall into sin, doubt, insecurity, or weariness, grant me the faith to rise again trusting in your faithful promises. Grant me victory as I remain rooted in the Messiah, that I will stand against all demonic forces that are in opposition to Your principles.

Pull down all these strongholds rising up against your will, that are negatively affecting your children globally.

Our homes are your home which we have dedicated unto you, and we are your children called out unto you through Messiah. Therefore, peace shall reign in our lives and within our homes. As your Words says, not the peace that the world gives, but your peace that surpasses all understanding.

Because of Yahushua, I am more than a conqueror, therefore the enemy shall not prevail. I shall not be moved, for Yahushua has already won the battle.

May I always be propelled to be faithful and loyal to You.

I now stand in Yahushua’s authority and declare, “let there be peace, and let it begins with me and remains in my home.

Amen

[eclipsednodes]

SHADOW WORK SIMPLIFIED

What is shadow work?

If I had to describe shadow work in one word, it would be introspection. Introspection is the examination of your own mental state and is necessary in order to learn more about your fundamental nature. Although it may sound off-putting and even scary at first, shadow work is a necessary component in the process of healing. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’ve rejected and hidden away out of fear. Through shadow work, we’re able to reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and habits so that we can find the root cause of our suffering and heal ourselves. By reincorporating those aspects of ourselves that we’ve denied, we feel more fulfilled and can begin to love ourselves fully. 

Where does shadow work come from? 

The concept of the shadow self comes from Carl Jung who believed that our shadow self is the subconscious aspect, or “dark side”, of our personality that our conscious ego doesn’t identify with. However, I would like to clarify that “dark” does not imply or equate with bad. That which resides outside of our consciousness can be either good or bad, but aren’t inherently reflective of our value or “goodness” as a person. 

Although these repressed aspects of ourselves can manifest negatively, it isn’t because those parts of us are “bad”, but that the process of repression is inherently painful and toxic. This is reflected by Jung when he states, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” He believed that until we’ve merged our conscious and subconscious selves, that our conscious would be “the slave of the autonomous shadow”. This is due to the shadow self overwhelming our conscious selves by falling victim to our own self-imposed traps. 

Through assimilating this shadow self, not over-identifying with it, Jung believed we go through the process of enantiodromia, thereby integrating the subconscious by reincorporating our shadow selves into our personality and allowing us to solidify ourselves through wholeness. He best described this by stating "assimilation of the shadow gives a man body, so to speak.” However, don’t fall into the misconception that shadow work is a short-term practice. Shadow work is a continuous practice and integration of the shadow self is a will take place throughout your life.

How do I do shadow work?

In the last question, I identified that practicing self-reflection is a key component of shadow work, but what does that mean? What am I supposed to be reflecting on? Well, the first thing that you should focus on is being present throughout the day. Identify feelings that come up throughout the day and observe them objectively. What situation or interaction triggered these emotions? How did I react to those emotions? Were my emotions controlling me or was I in control of my emotions? Why did this situation or interaction cause me to feel this way? How did I cope with those feelings (self-harming, lashing out at others, communicating my feelings, journalling, etc.)? Did I punish myself for getting upset? If so, why? 

There are numerous ways to reflect on your feelings and experiences in order to get a better understanding of yourself. Through evaluating how you react to situations, which situations upset you, and how you managed those feelings, you’re able to build the foundation to understanding your emotions and bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious mind.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll find that the emotions you feel in the present are reflective of unhealed emotions from your past. Perhaps the reason you feel that you’re unable to set boundaries as an adult is because as a child, your parents never respected your boundaries by going through your phone or diary, yelling at you when you said no to a request, forcing you into situations that made you feel you had no choice. 

By identifying the root cause of your emotional pain, you’re able to address it in the present and heal from the trauma. The simplest way that I’ve found to address them is through journalling. You can purchase a physical journal or even use your notes app, either way, you’re writing out your feelings and reflections to gain deeper insight. It’s important to remember that this looks different for anyone and that the best way to approach shadow work is by doing what feels most natural! You can choose to stick to self-reflective journal prompts, vent about whatever is upsetting you, write letters to whoever has hurt you, etc. Ultimately, you can guide yourself based off of what you feel you need and where you are in your journey.

What parts of yourself do you find yourself rejecting the most? Many of us have experienced the pain of rejection in some aspects of our lives and sometimes, it’s incredibly painful and leaves us with long-lasting wounds. We end up going through our lives carrying baggage that we don’t even know we have! Many times, I’ve found myself wondering why I felt so repulsed by aspects of myself and why I felt so strongly that they needed to be locked away forever. I couldn’t allow myself or others to see my truest self, my whole self, out of fear. I was scared of being rejected, shamed, humiliated by the people around me. I was scared of hurting other people by being myself and of being hurt by others. That’s no way to live, is it? When we tell ourselves that aspects of ourselves aren’t good enough, we end up going through life devaluing ourself. We’ve broken our own trust by rejecting ourselves, we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t good enough or worthy of love. In shadow work, you’re called to go inward and unpack everything that we’ve kept hidden for years and sometimes even decades. 

Bring the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to the surface and nourish them with love, allow yourself to see that ALL OF YOU is deserving of love and support. For you, that could mean unlearning your unhealthy beliefs about food or eating, allowing yourself to be emotional around the people you love (despite how much you were told that you were too emotional, a crybaby, too sensitive in the past), allowing yourself to relax without feeling guilty about not being productive because you recognize your needs (even though you feel your sense of worth is tied to being productive at the cost of your own health).

Common misconceptions about shadow work?

Shadow work is evil or bad, the shadow is evil or bad 

The purpose of shadow work is healing through working with your subconscious to release repressed aspects of yourself and heal from painful, traumatic experiences. Your shadow side is simply your unconscious and to believe that it’s bad is to believe that you are bad. It’s merely the part of yourself that you aren’t aware of consciously and shouldn’t be feared. 

Certain emotions are “bad”

When you let go of the idea that emotions are either good or bad, you’ll allow yourself to just be and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel “good” all of the time. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being so stop expecting to be all of the time, we have a range of emotions for a reason so stop being ashamed of them. Your feelings are natural and if you feel like they’re out of control and something to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s okay to feel like your emotions are controlling you because that isn’t permanent. Your feelings aren’t permanent and are completely manageable with proper guidance! The reason you feel like your emotions are controlling you is because you probably don’t have the knowledge to cope with them in an effective and healthy way. It’s helpful to sit with your emotions alone and look at them objectively without placing any judgement on them, this will help you calm down and assess your feelings. From there, you can identify what you need to relax and recover as well as acknowledge to yourself that your feelings are natural. When you stop categorizing your emotions as bad, they’re no longer shameful to experience and therefore you can see with better clarity how to cope with them and move on.

I’ve already released it so…

Why am I still upset?

Why does it still keep popping up in my head?

Why haven’t I moved on?

Why am I not making progress?

With the rise of self development and spirituality, I find that more and more people are rushing to complete their healing. Healing is a continuous, life-long cycle and not a destination. Putting the pressure on yourself to reach the place of ultimate healing is not only toxic, but it impedes your ability to actually heal anything. Healing is about love, compassion, and patience and it’s not going to happen according to a timeline. Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions, see them objectively, forgive yourself and others and move on without the pressure of expectations. 

 Another reason that you could be experiencing this is that despite the work you think you’ve done, it hasn’t been sufficient. I’ve found that a lot of journal prompts provided online are surface level at best and can be more pacifying than revealing. If you’re not feeling anything while doing your inner work, you’re not doing it correctly. Ultimately, this is about uncovering what makes us UNCOMFORTABLE and moving through those feelings. When you allow yourself to experience the sadness, hurt, anger, and/or frustration than you’re telling yourself that these feelings are okay and don’t need to be suppressed. The reality is that no matter what you’re feeling, you are allowed to experience those emotions and it’s only human! Unfortunately, many people associate lower vibrational emotions as bad, but this is a huge misconception! Telling yourself that anger, sadness, etc. are “bad” implies that you shouldn’t experience these emotions and that you have to get rid of them which is not only wrong, but unhealthy. There is no right or wrong emotions so don’t buy into the belief that you should feel a certain way, simply allow yourself to be and you’ll find that it’s much easier to navigate your emotions and needs. The only way to make it to the other side is by wading through the water, be patient and know that you’re feeling exactly what you should be. When you stop censoring yourself, you’ll discover a newfound sense of freedom and wholeness. 

 If you find yourself circling back to certain topics, for example, your ex-boyfriend than perhaps there are triggers in your environment that remind you of the situation, you have more that needs to be addressed that you may not have been ready for or aware of previously (hence why shadow work is a practice that is ongoing), or they’re representative of a deeper issue that you’re repressing. Whatever the cause is, the same methods as earlier will apply and can be discerned through your own intuition. 

What are some basic journal prompts that I can do?

What feelings come up when you think of ____?

How did that experience make you feel emotionally? How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel about the other person or people?

Write a letter to yourself, your inner child, the people who’ve hurt you, and the people you’ve hurt. Express how you feel honestly, without holding back and then forgive yourself and the other person.

If you could say anything to yourself or another person for closure, what would it be?

How have these situations and experiences impacted your mental health? How have they affected your belief system about yourself, other people, and the world?

What about yourself are you ashamed of? What about yourself are you embarrassed of? What about yourself makes you angry? What do you regret? Why do you feel this way about yourself and where do these feelings stem from?

What makes you feel most alone? What makes you feel most loved? How can you incorporate that knowledge into your life to make it better?

What’s the most hurtful thing someone has said or done to you? Why did it hurt you so much? How does it still affect you now? How can you heal from it and allow yourself to move on?

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What do you need to forgive others for?

Where do you feel you lack security in your life? Why? How does this impact your life and your relationships?

This is a list of generic prompts for you to start with, but feel free to message me if you need help with more specific topics or I can make another post altogether for journal prompts.

#shadow work #spirituality #witchblr #carl jung #witchcraft #energy work #healing #shadow self

[thanks-mike-stamford]

Fics that inspire my writing - Part I

This is Part I. The other parts will be linked here as they are posted: Part II | Part III

When people ask "What's your favourite fic?" I can't truly give an answer. It depends on my mood! How can I choose only one? Sometimes you want to reread that one fic for emotional comfort, sometimes you want that other one for the hots, sometimes you want to suffer a bit with the characters and have the relief of the happy ending, and sometimes you love a fic so so so much, but it hurts and you don't pick it up again ever. There's no way I can choose a favourite.

So this is just a disclaimer that this list is not really about favourites.

This list is about writing.

I'm not as prolific as a writer than I am as a reader. I try to do my best, of course. The best way to learn a lot about writing, though? I have to say it's reading. I can attribute most of my vocabulary (in all languages I know) to reading. When talking about writing fiction, it's more than vocabulary, though: narrative, prose, dialogues, plot, characters, themes... It's a lot happening.

These fics I'm going to mention are the ones that I read and think yo myself: oooh, I wish I could write like that. So I use them to study! Perhaps I could try this type of narrative? Or I could build my characters to be complex in this way? Perhaps I could phrase things in a less mechanical way, like this author does?

I'm drafting a lot of stuff recently and in these new works I'm trying to improve the way I write. I'm a quick reader but slow writer, but I hope my future works can show I learned from these stories below.

So, here we go, 10 Fics That Inspire My Writing, in no particular order. This list is not exhaustive either, it was horrible to choose just 10.

Part I

Limping forward series by bendingsignpost

I absolutely love this series, which is a main fic from John's POV and a short prequel from Sherlock's POV, supposed be read after the main story. I'll refer to the main story from now on.

This fic is dialogue-heavy. The moments of description are usually very close to the POV, and while it's used to indicate actions, the main purpose is always to show what John is feeling by how he interacts with whatever and whoever is around him. Sometimes we are left with dialogues that are not explicit. The characters know exactly what they mean, by the described reactions, but the reader is left to wonder - or most importantly, to actually think about what they mean given the context. The fic feels almost like an intelectual exercise in which we practice how to read people's feelings. The climax of the fic doesn't come from a misunderstanding that can be fixed with a conversation, for example. It comes from an emotional misunderstanding, and it's brutal, because there's no way it couldn't happen. Both John, Sherlock, and the reader need to understand the meanings behind the actions - if you have a bias or trauma, it can be hard. Sherlock's deduction at the climax scene comes from an emotional perspective - he deduces how John felt, and that would finally explain John's actions, which weren't clear for him. Just like Sherlock says in the story - it's magnificent.

These two aspects - dialogue with implicit meaning and description with a purpose - are aspects I lack in my own writing. I struggle immensely with dialogue, and my descriptions are usually "Character A is here or there, talking to B or C, and they're thinking X or Y". I look up to how this fic works in trying to get better, and I did try to incorporate those "invisible conversations" into my works.

The Illusion of Control series by starrysummernights

Uuuh, omegaverse! Not everyone's cup of tea. I love omegaverse though, for two reasons: you can create completely different world dynamics and sex/gender dynamics, and play with it.

This series needed to be a series. Every part is important. We have alternating POVs of John and Sherlock. If you read the series as a WIP, as it was posted, you could have been under the impression that it was strictly porny. But it helps a ton to read it following the chronology of the story (the prequels and sequels to the original one were attributed accordingly). Because the trick of this series is John's character arc. We are immediately presented with John's life story since childhood until he starts a relationship with Sherlock. He has endured great emotional trauma, but at first he doesn't even recognise he has been traumatised. Lifelong issues build up and eventually will spill over. It's not quick to deal with it, that's why it needs a full series. His relationship with Sherlock deepens, he needs to make some important choices, he faces great struggles. And step by step, we follow John's journey. It's absolutely brilliant to get there. It hurts, but it hurts good. And it's nobody's fault, at the end. He's not reduced to his issues, he's an entire complex person, but we are always aware how said issues played an important role in shaping this character.

Writing such a long story, posting it out of chronological order, and not losing sight of the character arc is what makes this fic stand out. One of my published fics specifically took great inspiration in this one while building a character arc for John.

Trying to Find The In-Between by NoStraightLine

Later on this was re-posted as a multi chapter fic, but I originally read it as a series when it was a WIP, and personally I think it works better this way.

This amazing work taught me a lot about causes and consequences. I think the entire series can be grouped in three parts. First part is the beginning of their relationship. They are learning about each other, playing piece by piece like a puzzle. Then second part is around Reichenbach Fall, they separate and emotional fuckery ensues, up until Sherlock comes back, the pinnacle of angst. Third and last part is them relearning each other from scratch. The relationship needs to be completely different - and they don't even know if they will get together after all, if it will ever work again. And here's the main point: it's not a single decision that warrants consequences. They had a super intense relationship at first - but if you go too high, the fall is worse. Everything is borderline unhealthy, but it could easily be attributed to love. The author doesn't shy away from showing us it's a bit of both: big love can be a bit unhealthy. To put up boundaries between them so they both keep sane you also need to limit how you treat each other, and what you expect from each other.

This fic made me think I need to estimate the consequences of how I build up characters' interactions. The reactions need to be accordingly to that measure. In one fic I tried to play with this intensity ended up being borderline unhealthy. Not something you'd want in real life, of course, but in fiction... anything is possible.

This is the end of Part I. Stay tuned for Parts II and III!

#johnlock #sherlock fanfic #writing #hoverseas talks about fic

[mandowh0re]

Remember Me

Chapter 1

Summary: While cleaning up the timelines that he broke, Loki meets and inevitably loses the one person that's understood him in life. But he's not losing you without a fight

A/N: Beta'd by @edgyvege

Warnings: Mentions of death

Word Count: 1619

Happy reading!

It’s a quiet evening, and the Avengers that lived in the compound decided to take advantage of the rainy evening and have a movie night. Steve had called Tony over, who had brought Peter with him. The father and son duo has stopped on the way from the city to pick up a plethora of unhealthy snacks, including everyone’s favorite chips and candies.

They’re currently all settled in the common room watching She-Ra. Peter’s head is resing on Tony’s shoulder, Thor is snuggled up to Bruce, Natasha and Clint are sitting in the same recliner, Wanda and Vision are on one side of the love seat, Steve on the other side of Tony, Bucky and Sam sitting on the floor behind the coffee table.

They’re at the part where Adora is being stalked by Shadow Weaver in Mystacor, when the TV suddenly flickers, the audio warping. There’s a buzzing sound behind them closer to the kitchenette.

Everyone straightens in their seats, suddenly on alert.

“Friday,” Tony barks, pushing Peter behind him, “Lights.”

The lights cut on and everyone in the room watches as the air seems to distort and glow, similarly to when the sun beats down on the pavement, before a blonde man walks out with a cuffed and collared Loki behind him.

Every person in the room jumps into a defensive stance, some already with weapons that are always stashed and hidden throughout the compound, and each ready to fight at a moment’s notice.

Thor leaps over the couch and calls his hammer to him in one swift movement, but he doesn’t look frightened or angry.

He just looks… Mournful.

“Loki?” He says with apprehension, tilting his head.

It looks like Loki, and he’s certainly bound the way Loki should be if he were up to no good. But he watched Loki die. He watched Thanos crush the life out of him and toss him to the floor of that ship as if he were a worthless piece of balled up paper.

The blonde man holds up his hands in front of himself, as if to signal that they’re not here to cause any harm.

“Please, allow me to explain why we are here before this turns ugly.” The stranger pleads.

Thor looks back to his team, making eye contact with Tony and Steve.

They look apprehensive, and Tony has an iron grip on his kid, but Steve nods carefully.

Thor turns back to the stranger and nods, but his focus is mainly on Loki, “Go ahead.”

The man drops his hands and pockets them before beginning his story, “Okay. My name is Mobius, and I am a Timekeeper. My job, like Thor is probably aware, is to keep the timelines safe, intact, and to keep them from ever intersecting. When the Avengers used the Pym Particles to go back in time and retrieve the Infinity Stones; Stark, Rogers, Banner, and Lang went back to the Battle of New York in 2012. When they infiltrated the 2012 Avengers to get a hold of the tesseract, they made an error that caused the tesseract to fall into the hands of that Loki.”

Thor’s brows shot up to his hairline and he whipped around to look at Tony, “What? Why was I not informed of this?”

Now it’s Tony’s turn to hold his hands up, “Okay, hey. We didn’t have time to focus on that, and you were still grieving your brother. It would not have done anyone any good to bring it up while we were still in the fight of our lives.”

“And what about after?” He barks.

“While I agree this is something you all should discuss, I respectfully ask that you do that later,” Mobius interrupts, “I have places to be.”

Thor huffs and gives Tony one last glare before he turns back to the two other men.

“Right, anyways. When Loki took the tesseract and escaped, he broke that timeline. It caused multiple branches off of it,” He starts to take a step forward to the group, but decides against it when Thor’s nostrils flare, “We tracked him down, arrested him, and brought him into custody. He was given the option of life in prison or parole if he agreed to help us fix the timeline and erase the others. And I’m sure you can imagine what he chose.”

“I mean, there wasn’t much of a choice, was there?” Loki mumbles.

“Do you mind?” Mobius mumbles back, then turns to finish his story, “Through several months of helping us, Loki has proved himself to be, well, no longer a universal threat.”

“How do we know you aren’t under some spell of his?” Natasha asks, “Or working with him?”

“You don’t,” Mobius shrugs, “But he does know everything that has happened to him and those around him up until his final death. He was given the choice of choosing where he wanted to go at his time of being released, and I believe it says something for him to choose here.”

“Not much, actually. He’s manipulative.” Steve chimes in.

Mobius holds a finger up, “That he is. But unlike before, he has a lot more to lose this time.”

Thor crosses his arms, “And what would that be?”

***

You hum as you stock the shelves with the new shipment of books you just received.

It’s a nice day out. Mid April, the trees and flowers are blooming, and it’s finally nice enough outside to leave windows open. The mini fan is running on the counter where the register is, and the music is flowing quietly throughout your shop.

A very pleasant day, indeed.

You hear the windchimes attached to the shop door tinkle brightly, and you call over your shoulder as you finish placing the last few books, “Welcome! I’ll be right with you!”

When you’re finished, you grab the now empty cardboard box and use your pocket knife to break it down as you walk back to the front of the small store.

When you look up, a tall man with dark hair and a black suit is standing by the register, hands in his pockets. He’s incredibly handsome and as your eyes scan his features, you can’t help but feel like you have seen him before.

“Hi! How can I help you?” You ask, tossing the now flattened box onto a pile of others before walking behind the counter.

The man looks at you, tearing his gaze from a picture you had behind the counter, and his eyes meet yours. For the briefest of moments, you think you see grief flash across his emerald eyes. But as quick as you think you saw it, it's gone.

“Hello,” He greets, his voice satiny smooth, “A friend of mine recommended a book, and I was wondering if you could help me get my hands on a copy.”

“Sure!” You lean against the counter and fold your hands, “What’s it called?”

“I believe it’s called Norse Mythology, written by a Neil Gaiman.”

Your eyes light up and you push off your elbows to stand, “That’s my favorite book! Your friend must have amazing taste!” You wink.

He nods, eyes never leaving you, “I like to think so.”

“I definitely have it! Can’t really consider myself a good bookstore owner if I don’t keep my favorite books in stock, follow me.” You walk out from behind the counter and wave the handsome man to follow you. You know exactly where to go, and weave expertly between the shelves of your small shop. You finally come to a halt and reach down to grab the book, handing it to him, “Here you are.”

He takes the book from you and offers a kind smile and he turns it over in his hands, reading the back, “Thank you.”

“Of course, let’s go get you checked out,” You smile, staring at the handsome stranger before you realize what you’re doing.

The two of you walk back to the front of the store, and he lays the book down for you to scan it.

You take another look at him, and you’re not sure what possesses you to say it. You later account it to having been alone for so long.

“Actually- Here...” You lean down under the counter where you have your own stash of books, and grab your own copy of Norse Mythology. You stand back up and place it in front of him, “Why don’t you borrow my copy? I know it’s not as pretty as a new one, but if you don’t like it, you won’t have wasted the money. If you do like it, we can talk about it. Either way, you’ll have to return it,” You look down to the countertop before bringing your eyes to meet him once more, “And I can see you again.”

A beautifully sweet smile spreads across the man’s face. His eyes flicker down, noticing that you’re picking at your nails; it’s your nervous habit. He places a hand on the worn paperback book, “Lovely. Sounds like a plan to me. Shall we say next week, this time?”

Your smile brightens considerably, and you feel butterflies come to life in your belly, “See you then.”

He bends at the waist, bowing slightly, and turns to leave. You watch as his slender hand grabs the door knob, when a thought occurs to you.

“Wait!” You shout, reaching out your hand.

He stops dead in his tracks and turns back to you, an eyebrow quirked.

“What’s your name?”

He stiffens slightly. It’s so subtle that you barely notice it, but you do. Finally, a soft look adorns the man’s handsome features, and he looks a little sad. But he still answers.

“Loki.”

***

Remember Me Taglist: @idunnomayn

Permanent Taglist: @a-place-to-blog-marvel-stuff @yes-iamironman-blog @paradoxicalblueberry @the-regal-warrior @transparentparadiseglitterzombie @marvelgem @propertyofmarvel @avngrsinitiative @my-leg-is-not-a-chew-toy @lyricalstella-blog @just-the-daydreamer @hufflely-puffly

#loki #loki laufeyson #loki friggason #loki odinson #loki x you #loki x reader #loki x y/n #reader insert #avengers #mcu #marvel #bookshop au #toni writes #eventual relationship #eventual smut #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston x you #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston x y/n #slow burn #angst #fluff

[poisonousquinzel]

https://lady-ha-ha.tumblr.com/post/160715688748/is-that-comic-before-the-reboot-and-which-one-is

(I have not read this comic) Is this true? (if so, ivy deserves someone better).

Post

Kay, first off both of those people are Jarley shippers so take everything they say with a grain of salt and then some, cause no. that part isn't about how much Harley loves Joker and will always choose him over Ivy. Literally you can tell ops don't know what they're talking about cause her whole thing in those issues is going to kill him for years of graphic abuse but ultimately falls back with him once she’s face to face with him.

Like wow, congrats on missing the fucking point again but not surprised from people who ship her with The Fucking Joker.

also, ffs, can anyone please have basic comprehension skills and realize that Harley and Ivy are both fucked up sometimes because they’ve got issues and that’s not comparable to Joker’s long ass history of graphic and disgusting abuse.

Harley and Ivy are villains, they're not a wholesome cookie cutter, White Picket Fence, super vanilla ship with no bad moments. They're both bad guys with a fuck ton of trauma that they both have to work through, and have done so at this point. 

Gotham City Sirens was published between 2009 - 2011, Harley and Ivy weren't blatantly romantic at this point nor had they had anywhere near the development that they’ve had at this point.

Like don’t go into Harlivy content expecting them to be the perfect wlw rep with no flaws during their arcs from BTAS to current time cause that’s just not realistic. They’re both deeply flawed people who’ve got a fuck ton of trauma that they need to (and have) worked through. 

I have talked about the BTAS issues here and this post is good at explaining them too. 

X

X

Harlivy is not and has never been a purely wholesome, goody-goody ship. They’re messy, they have issues, and they have bad moments sometimes, but they both worked through their seperate trauma and came out stronger and better because at the end of the day, they care about each other. 

Harlivy has messy, toxic moments sometimes, but they’re not, and have never been, abusive. There’s a difference between unhealthy moments and a ship being abusive. 

That’s completely different to how Joker acts Constantly, because he does not care that his actions towards Harley are abusive, because he doesn’t give a shit about her. 

He enjoys hurting her. He enjoys ruining her. 

Jarley has always been intended to be written and shown as a domestically abusive relationship.

This is also the first instance where it's directly referenced that there's something more than platonic between her and Ivy, other than the reference in Batgirl Adventures. 

Gotham City Sirens is also not connected to any verses.

This didn’t happen in the timeline we’re in rn with Harley Quinn (2014)/(2016)/(2021).

Comic timelines and shit are stupid and make everything more confusing and awful and I hate it sdfjdksksdkjsd

-

this is gonna be a long post since ops wanna just cut and paste random bits of the issues like jarley stans always do (cause jarley never has good moments that aren’t entirely surrounded by him abusing her) I’m going to show them in full context. *added a keep reading cause it is a lot

(All panels shown are from #15, #18, #19, #20, #21, #23, #24, #25)

So, Harley's entire thing at this point in the GCS comic in that she's been triggered by flashbacks of Joker's abuse and she breaks into Arkham with the intent to kill him.

The entire thing in these issues is showing her smarts and how she knows people's trump cards to get under their skin so she can break into Arkham. 

She’s trained to identify these things in people and she's fucking good at pushing people's buttons. 

this is also just one of my fav Harley covers so I wanted to show it jsdjksdks

“Trump cards. Everyone has one. Places where the armor we build around ourselves is weakest.” 

She’s right. And it’s now shown that Harley’s willing to use those below the belt trump cards if she has to.  

And frankly, I’d say this is worse than what she says to Ivy. And I’m not surprised she did it. She didn’t want to, she tried to get him to just open the door - 

“Don’t make me do this, Aaron. There are some secrets that should stay hidden. Things you should never learn about your own life.” 

but she’s also entirely fueled by rage and the desire to kill Joker. She came here for a reason and she’s not leaving until she’s done it.

“I’m going to kill you. For everything you’ve done to me. All the times you’ve made me feel useless and small. For all the times I will never forget. For all the things I can never forgive. All the memories -”

“Hello, Harley. I’ve missed you.” 

“Memories. That’s all I have left. The past is gone and all I have is... memories. 

Memories.

Memory. 

Gone.

I guess I too have a trump card.”

“Oh, Ivy. You know exactly what my answer is going to be. But you’re hoping you’re wrong, aren’t you?”

She’s also right about this, they already mentioned this in #18.

“How did I become the bad guy?”

“You’re the one choosing a man over her girls.”

“Are you kidding me? You would never say that to Harley, and we both know she’d dumb us in a flat second if Joker called her.”

“Hey! That’s not fair-- Actually, that’s probably true.”

“The difference is, she can’t help it. You can. And she’s working on it. You’re not working on it.” 

“Too easy, Ivy. Too easy. I know your weak spots. Now I just need to push.”

This is exactly what she’s been doing since the starting point of this post. She’s still in that mindset and she knows she can’t beat her on a regular battle field. Neither of them can. 

“Like I said-- You beat me in any level playing field. But I don’t fight on those fields.” 

Harley’s biggest strength as a villain is her ability to completely mentally stall her opponents and learn their weak spots. She wouldn’t win against the majority of the Big Bads if she didn’t fight on a different field than they are. 

so, like yeah, out of context what she says to Ivy seems awful and completely screwed up, and it is, but it’s also built up really well and it’s completely in character for her at this point in her fall during these issues. 

Is what she did fucked? absolutely. It’s not painted that it’s not. 

Ivy Literally Goes To Kill Her For It.

In the end of this all three of them are recaptured by Catwoman and Batman and that’s where we’re starting off at again. 

“Oh, Harley.

The only human I’ve ever called a friend.

To what lengths will I go? Where are my own limits? She is the Strangler fig. And I am the tree, choking underneath. 

Without me, she could never grow. 

But without her, I would fall if I grew too tall.” 

“Will she ever stand by herself? 

Will she ever be ready? 

She is in throes of madness. She sees him, her brain flooding with adrenaline, it makes her excited, nervous, then the feelings start to fade, and she needs more. And more. 

She sees it as passion. She sees it as love. 

But it’s not. It’s addiction. And she’s relapsing.” 

Ivy is well aware of the nature of their relationship. She’s not stupid and she’s been shown already to know that it’s something that takes time. It’s not a one off break up and it’s over. That’s not how abusve relationships work. 

What do I do?

I could use my pheromones to alter her brain chemistry.

I could leave her behind abandoning her to the wilds of her own mind.

I could kill her right now.

Show her how red Nature can be.

There's one other option.

It would require patience.

Even love.

Maybe I'm more human than I want to admit.

"You have one chance to answer this."

I know, if she agrees, she'll be doing it for revenge. For him.

"She put us behind bars."

But maybe if I get away from this place, if I give her something else to think about. Maybe she can break the cycle. But it has to be her choice.

"I'm going to kill her. Come with me."

So yeah, it’s definitely not a just “Harley hurts her and runs off with Joker and it’s just a plain ol’ her choosing him over everyone and that’s that.” 

Jarley shippers love to just reduce all her scenes and arcs down to their “epic love” and shit, but that’s taking away literally everything about her and reducing it down to the 3 panels that they’re “cute” in. Her arc in this part is fucking heartbreaking to read.

And Ivy damn well knows what’s going on with her. She’s smart and she’s the one that’s been there throughout all of this. She found her in the park after he shot her out of a rocket. 

And she knows it’ll take time for Harley to get over and through his manipulation, that’s just how it works with abusive relationships. 

But she’s also not forgiving at first, she’s mad and rightfully so, until she sees the sate of Harley’s cell and realizes how bad her addiction is at that time.

A lot of the unhealthy moments on Harley’s side when it comes to them are directly caused from the effects of being in an abusive relationship with Joker. Because she’s always in this area of her journey in those moments. She’s never fully over him or emancipated. 

And that’s realistic. It’s hard sometimes to be friends with someone who’s in abusive relationships like theirs, having to watch them return to that person time and time again and it’s frustrating after a while. 

I know from personal experience, it’s really hard to watch someone you care about go back or forgive someone that continues to hurt them. 

But abuse victims desperately need a support system outside of their abuser. It’s a crucial part of being able to escape, because when they do try to get out they need someone there or they’ll literally have no where to go but back into their abuser’s arms.

It’s heartbreaking and it’s really rough for everyone effected, but that’s just how it is most of the time. Especially in their case, as they’re not just regular folk dealing with this. 

If she doesn’t have Ivy, Harley has no one else to go to but Joker, on more than just an emotional level. 

She’s lost her job. Her income. Her home. Her livelihood. Her everything.

Most of the time she has no other choice but to return to a life of crime after she’s released from Arkham because she can’t get a job, she’s a notorious criminal and she’s got a lot of issues that don’t just disappear with a bit of therapy. 

She has no other choice but to return to Joker because the other alternative is the streets. At least she knows what to expect with him. 

And that’s not even getting into the manipulation, gaslighting and degrading abuse that he drills into her constantly. 

He’s made her believe she’s not anything without him. That she’s not smart or useful or anything. 

And that’s why it’s so damn important for her to have a support system and why he’s so damn against Ivy. 

Because Ivy is the good voice on her shoulder telling her he’s wrong and that she doesn’t deserve that. 

-

And on Ivy’s side, she’s aware she gets very near cutting off all parts of her humanity. 

She’s a plant goddess, she’s insanely powerful and she feels everything through the green. Frankly, she’s not even on the same playing field as these villains. She’s significanty more powerful than Harley and Joker. 

Her connection to Harley is what keeps her humanity in tack, because despite everything, she does care about her. She was the first person she let in, the first person Ivy called a friend. 

The person that was able to get through to her in #14/#15 when she was losing herself. The one that was able to get through to her that the dude was manipulating her. 

“Ivy, I know you think you love this guy... but you’re just gonna end up strapped to his rocket!”

She had to knock her out for the dude to trust her / not attack them anymore. But Harley got through to her by mentioning how they first met in the park when she saved her after Joker shot her off in a rocket.

And Ivy is understandable turned off towards humans considering her origin and trauma around that. 

She’s got a lot of trust issues.

But both of them work through their seperate traumas over the years because their affection for each other is stronger than the issues their trauma has given them.

-

and also, sometimes, they just have shit writers. that’s an issue overall in comic fandoms. Some writers just fucking suck at getting any of the characters right, let alone LGBT characters, who’re notoriously treated like garbage by DC. 

#sorry if it came off a bit aggressive anon i don't mind ya asking <3 #ops just annoy me SDJSKSK #tw abuse #tw clown boy #long post #♦️ asks ♦️ #harley quinn #harleen quinzel #poison ivy #pamela isley #harlivy #gotham city sirens #me? rambling in detail about Harley? yup yup

[proxylynn]

Your Boyfriend: Stalk-home Syndrome (Day 8)

Chapter #8: TAKE YOU ON A SATURDAY

[WARNING: Because the internet needs more romantic visual novels where you try to win the hearts of your senpai, right? WRONG! Your Boyfriend is a visual novel, yes. But this is anything but a love story. Your Boyfriend is a game where you deal with a man's unhealthy desire to have you, no matter who gets hurt. And he's not afraid to leave the body lying around for you to find either. Imagine a cat bringing you dead mice or birds to your doorstep, except he had brought the corpse of the person you talked to the other day. It's a choose your own adventure story, so be careful with how you react to those around you, especially towards him. This game deals with themes that might be disturbing for some audiences, such as murder, gore, drug use, kidnapping, non-consensual intimacy, strong language, and nudity.]

So what better thing to do than write fanfiction about it?! Enjoy my descent into madness. I regret nothing!! Sincerely with crazy sleepless love, your friendly neighborhood author, Lynn~♥

———————————————————————

[Well...um...I didn't see that coming. I mean, geez...I almost feel sorry for you. Almost. That's the keyword. Don't get me wrong, Lynsie, you managed to keep Peter from killing. That's an achievement. But I have told you before, this isn't a story you're meant to enjoy. You should know that by now. No matter how hard you try, you will not get a "happy ending". So why do you try to change things? For him? For Peter? Why? There are far better choices you can make. But...I'm not about to go back on my word. This is still up to you. Play as you see fit. Yet, if I may, let me offer you one tip of motherly advice...Just because you always end up with him, doesn't mean you are meant to be with him. Think about it while you still can. Because soon...It'll be too late.]

Peace...pure honest peace. Sleep hasn't been so restful in ages. Dreams are downright blissful. And everything feels just so good. Well...Other than this heavy feeling nagging me, but it's not so bothersome. And the warmth, the sweet heart swelling warmth! It's accompanied by soft vibrations that lull me deeper into the delight of unconsciousness. Then...Something shifts.

The good feels turn into sorrow and gloom. Sunshine and rainbows? Nope. Grey thunderstorms and blood rain. Everyone and thing is gone except me...and another me. I've never been able to lucid dream. But I am very aware when I am dreaming and I go along for the ride like I'm watching a movie. It sounds cool yet once that realization hits something usually stops working due to logic beginning to kick in, like flying by flapping my arms would suddenly be a struggle before stopping. But this? Seeing a mirror of myself? This is new. And she isn't a perfect copy, no...She's slightly off. And by that I mean, she ain't got eyes! Her mouth moves but I can't understand a word spoken, she's speaking incoherently speedy so everything is a garbled mess. Almost like baby gibberish. Suddenly she gets in my face, her haunting visage unwillingly imprinting into my mind, and getting out something I can understand.

"Y̧̕o͏̢u̴͡ ͢͝fr̴̀e͟a̴̧͘k͢͡!͠ ͝T̀hì͘͡s ̵i̕s͠ ̨̡a͠l̨l̨̕ ̶̴͟y̡̧͡ǫ͟͠ur ̶̛fa̷u͠l̢t.̴͘͟ ̨͘͢Y͝͝o͟u̡͝ ͢͝di̡͢d̡ ͜͠t̕hì̶s͟͝.̧̛ ͝I̸t̛͢'͟s̸ ̡͞a͏͠l̀͟l͢�� ͠y҉o͢ur̴ ́͏͜f͞͏ą͡u̶l͜t̷̵̕!̶ Y̶͡ou͏͠r ́fa҉̛ult!̷̕͝ ̴̵͢Y҉O͏U̷͞R͡ ̶́̕FA̕U͡͏L̕͢T̕!͟"

…

My eyes open sharply, cold sweat and slight trembles nearly go unnoticed by me due to the reason for the heavy warm feeling that seemed to reach me even in slumber. I find Peter sleeping over the covers atop me and holding me as I would do to my stuff tiger Cuddles. He looks so at ease, like, I'm the safest place he can be and let his guard down completely. Mouth open, probably drooling from exhaustion. But why would he be exhausted? The last thing I remember was him having fun with me. Yet that wouldn't cause him to...

*click*

My door opens and TK pokes his head inside...only to regret doing so when he sees us. That look...That look of being kicked in the balls is painful even on my end. I put a finger to my lips to convey them to keep quiet before motioning them to come over. They shake their head and wave for me to go to them. I point at the log of a man on me, I mean, do they not see this? They facepalm and leave. Now I'm curious as to what they wanted and wondering how the heck I'm gonna slip out of Peter's snuggle.

*SLAM*

"Get the fuck up!"

The door being kicked in and Vio barking has Peter fly off the bed like a startled cat falling to the floor, hell, even I get spooked by the sudden break of silence.

"Christ, V. The fuck was that for?!"

Vio just snickers and steps aside to let TK back in.

"And that's how ya do it, beanie baby."

TK glares at Vio for a moment before getting to the point.

"The Boss sent out a mass text. All of us are to meet them at the diner."

"All of us? How come?"

"There's been a break-in."

Well, that's unexpected.

"Fine. Give me a sec."

My attention goes to Peter as he's slow to pull himself off the floor.

"Sweetie? You okay?"

He groans yet gives a thumbs up.

"You sure?"

"*weary* Yeah...Just tired."

"Sounds like some crazy stick can't hold his booze."

Vio mocks and I throw a pillow at the dudes lingering in the doorway.

"Off with you knave! Lest I release the hound upon your sorry hide."

"Oh? Ya gonna come at me, beasty?"

Vio gestures to my discarded pants and underwear with a cocky smirk.

"Again, beasty, ya disappoint me."

TK blushes but can't help themselves.

"Damn girl...You kinky~."

I feel the heat burn my cheeks and hear the snarling on the floor beside me.

"Okay, asshats, you've gawked long enough."

Lucy snatches them both by the ear.

"We can't leave if you stall her."

"Thanks, Lulu."

She drags them away and I bound out of bed to shut the door.

"*groan* Guess I'm awake now."

Peter slinks onto the bed. I'm quick to get dressed before his tired eyes lock onto any exposed flesh, there isn't time to deal with Peter's easy to trigger arousal. I at least go to him when done.

"You sure you're okay?"

He merely smiles up at me.

"Awww, darling...It's sweet of you to be so concerned. Trust me. I'm alright. Though, I might need to bum one of your energy drinks."

I kiss his head.

"Come on, sleepyhead. After this is over, you can snuggle up to me as your personal body pillow."

The promise of snuggles seems to give him the push needed to get on his feet as I head out to grab two cans from the fridge...my last two. Damn, I'll need to get more later. But without much else to delay the dredge to work, the lot of us walk our butts to the diner.

…

And here we are. The place that holds my soul hostage in order to live with lower than minimum wage, possibly expired food, and obnoxious customers. At least we shouldn't be here for long today. Even the Boss isn't Scrooge enough to make us work when something like this happens. Alisha and Kit-Cat are already there...along with onlookers spectating due to the cops being here. Peter and Vio are made to wait outside as we check in with the others.

I bet the Boss is kicking themselves now for not having cameras. The carnage starts at the back door which is busted open, leading into the now fucked up kitchen that has all of the cooking equipment banged up, and even the Boss's office is completely ruined. Sweet merciful lord, this is gonna cost so much to repair and who knows how long it'll take to fix.

"This is awful."

"We are so out of a job.

"*sigh* Damn it. I just got this job too."

"Come on, girls, buck up. This is just a minor setback. It can't get any..."

Just then a distressed holler is heard from the freezer area. I can't make out what is being said, but suddenly an officer quickly makes his way towards us, radioing for an ambulance. He looks completely distraught...and vaguely reminiscent for some reason. As soon as he makes the call, he turns his attention to us and asks us to wait outside. That's when I notice his name pin..."R. Williams". It's Don's son!

"Why? What's going on???"

TK speaks up.

Officer Williams doesn't say anything at first, still looking as though he's trying to process what he saw.

"Please. We found a body in the freezer..."

He finally manages to explain.

"I need you all to wait outside, okay?"

TK's shoulders drop upon hearing this. Lucy covers her mouth to hold in the urge to scream. And me? I'm too stressed just being this close to a cop to care about some stiff in the icebox.

"...A what?"

"Wait. Outside. Please."

Is all he mutters. He doesn't seem to have the energy to repeat himself. We do as told but with a disturbing unease keeping us all silent. Even when we're back outside with all the cars driving by, people walking around us, and the wailing of sirens in the distance, everything seems so damn quiet. Peter is quick to hold me when my hands begin to claw and everyone tries to talk me out of losing it.

"Now I feel bad for wanting a little more excitement in my life."

Yeah...It's not helping, TK.

"You don't think we'll be suspects, do you?"

Why the hell would you think that, Lucy?

"It's bullshit if they do. If they blame any of it on my girls, I swear to god, I'm gonna raise some serious hell!"

Vio...Just...Just stop. Please.

"Will you all stop it? You're not helping her..."

Peter's hold tightens and he strokes my back to settle my trembling.

"It's okay, darling. I've got you. Everything is going to be fine. You've done nothing wrong."

Then why isn't the urge to claw not fading? I do my best to return his hold yet it's a bit hard to do when my hands tremble and fingers beg to dig into something but I don't want to hurt him. Peter's expression of great concern slowly fades into annoyance as he glares at the other three. They, of course, don't like being glared at by the guy they all have great disdain for.

"The hell is that look for?"

"You idiots know how she is. Why would you make things worse by saying such stupid shit?"

Seems either he's too tired to mask his bluntness or he's in full defend the darling mode.

"Well excuse us, your highness! There's been a break-in and a bloody body in the freezer! God forbid, we're a tad worried about that!"

"Stop fighting!!"

My outburst startles the bunch and now I'm shaking on the verge of tears.

"*meek* Please..."

Peter nuzzles my hair.

"I'm sorry."

The guilt in his voice sways the others.

"Sorry, beasty."

"Yeah. Sorry, Hun."

"Same. Things are just crazy right now, you know?"

I merely bury my face in Peter's chest not wanting to hear excuses I've heard all my life. You can only be told "I'm sorry" so many times before you learn when it's real or just said to end the moment. I'm just thankful for the brief moment of silence. It allows me to settle down and get out of deep memories I never want to revisit.

"Excuse me..."

The voice of Officer Williams grabs our attention. Poor guy looks like he's about to vomit.

"If you three could come in, we have some questions for you."

Well, there goes my progress. I nearly have to be pried off of Peter and helped into the diner. TK is made to sit at a booth, Lucy is in the storage room, and I'm brought to the Boss's office where Officer Williams is my interrogator. Life is just twisting the knife in my side right now, I swear. Neither of us want to be here, but it's not like we have a choice in the matter. He's the one that speaks up first seeing as I'm locking up holding myself.

"I know this must be difficult for you. But..."

He pulls out a small pad.

"Do you think you can answer some questions for me?"

Don't freak out...Don't freak out...Just go full robot and get this over with...And don't fucking cry!

"I...I can try."

"Nervous?"

I nod.

"No offense, but police intimidate me easily."

He chuckles a little.

"I'm just a normal guy. I'm not all that scary."

"It's not you...It's past experiences. My parents had a messy marriage. And even after that, mom got in trouble a lot. Bad memories...Hard not to still feel them."

He frowns and notes my hands scrapping my bandaged arms.

"I understand. I'll try to come off more casual if that helps."

"M-Maybe."

He gets his pen ready.

"Okay...What is your name and connection to this place?"

"Lynsie. I've been a waitress here for nearly four months."

"Would you mind telling me your whereabouts last night?"

"I...I was out at AFKB with my friends."

He scribbles.

"Their names?"

"My boyfriend Peter. Coworker TK. And buddy Vio."

That makes him pause.

"Vio? Snake-looking guy?"

I nod.

"Wait...Do you know a Lucy too?"

I nod again.

"I thought you looked familiar. You came by the station and picked her up a month ago after we caught her under the influence."

Again, I nod.

"I thought so. Not every day you see someone with hair that long."

He panic blushes.

"I didn't mean to sound creepy! I'm sorry."

Wow, he's nothing like Don.

"No, you're fine. In an okay way I mean, not attractiveness. Not saying you're not attractive! I mean...Fuck, what am I saying?!"

It gets him to laugh a little. We agree to blame this on our messed-up nerves due to the situation. But for reals, he's not bad-looking. Aside from the dark grey cop uniform which hugs him in a casually comfortable way, he has a few aspects that he definitely picked up from his dad. Strong yet caring eyes, firm jaw, defined body and height. Not to mention the thick eyebrows, chin stubble, and furry forearms. Heck, he's even wearing a similar watch to Don but his is on his left wrist while Don's is on the right.

"Um...H-How long were you and your friends out for?"

"Hard to say. I didn't check the time. The streetlights were on by the time we left."

"And where were you after that?"

"My apartment that I share with Lucy. The four of us stayed there all night."

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"Is there someone other than your friends that will confirm any of this?"

"Other than the bar staff, my Landlord can testify that I'm a good girl. He knows when people enter his building, especially if there's a group."

That part about being a "good girl" leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm regressing.

"And what's your landlord's name?"

"Don Williams."

That makes him flinch bad.

"You know my old man?"

I go along with his shock for the sake of innocence.

"Don had a kid?"

He sighs.

"Unfortunately. The name's Roy. And I'm sorry for whatever shit my dad dose."

"He's not all that bad. A bit of a stick in the mud, sure. But he's a decent guy when you get past the rough exterior."

He cocks his eyes.

"Are we talking about the same guy? Because that sounds nothing like my old man."

I shrug.

"Anyway...We checked the victim and found an ID. Does the name Cindy Fisher sound familiar to you?"

Like a firework going off inches away from your feet, it all comes flooding back.

"*meek* Wait…We can't leave her there."

"Don't you worry about that. I'll take out the trash once I know you're alright."

It clicks in my mind now. Peter was up all night dealing with the mess I made. But why did he bring her body here and trash the place? I shake these thoughts and try to keep a straight face.

"Not for sure. A woman named Cindy did come by days ago. They only had coffee and acted kinda off. Asking personal questions and just giving off a bad vibe. I asked them to leave and kept an eye out in case they were lurking around, but I never saw them again. But that's even if this is the same Cindy we're talking about."

He writes that down.

"C-Can I ask something odd?"

"What?"

"...How did they die?"

A strange but reasonable question.

"Are you sure you want to know? I don't think you're in a good state to hear anything like that."

I nod my head and he sighs.

"A full autopsy still needs to be done, but by the look of things..."

He pauses to suppress a gag.

"Multiple stab wounds and a slit throat."

He gags and I don't know how to take this news. I will need to think this over elsewhere.

"I hope it was quick. No one should struggle through something like that."

I shiver to seem sympathetic. But really...I don't feel anything. I just want to leave. Roy appears to buy this act. He only has a couple more questions for me and I do my best to give as much information as I can yet not give any key info that could implicate anything. By the time Roy is done with me, we see the gurney carrying the bagged body being rolled out to the ambulance waiting outside. Seeing that cements the words of my dream. It's my fault. I did this. I killed her.

"Darling?"

I'm zoned out in bad thoughts, hardly noticing Peter and Vio. These two probably would've killed each other if the cops weren't here.

"Beasty?"

The second my mind considers speaking my throat squeezes shut, making me whimper as result. Peter picks me up and holds me to him.

"Do you want to go home?"

I nod.

"Okay, darling. Let's go home."

Peter starts walking.

"What? Ya just gonna dash?"

I shake my head.

"Don't be so needy. She isn't in any condition to stick around all this. If you really care, make sure the others know where we went and why."

Vio sneers but doesn't follow.

"Are you alright, darling? You're starting to worry me."

I want to question him. There's so much to unpack from this. But I can't bring myself to talk. Not now. Not in public. He picks up on my discomfort and his pace quickens, nearly breaking into a sprint. His speed and wide stride get us back to the building in decent time. Once inside, he sets me down on the couch and holds my dower face.

"Lynsie, please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong?"

I can feel the water seep into my eyes.

"Why did you do it?"

He doesn't bother questioning what I mean. He knows exactly what I've asked.

"You were so upset last night. You do so much for me. For us. All you wanted was a fun night. But between the crap at the bar and that bitch attacking you, I haven't seen you so heartbroken. So...I did what I promised. I've solved all the problems."

I look at him funny so he continues.

"I cleaned out all my things from the room. I got rid of the garbage that dared hurt my love and made sure the awful place that doesn't appreciate you will never bother you again."

"But..."

"No buts. If you're worried about money, don't. I'll take care of you from now on."

"I..."

*knock-knock-knock*

Peter leaves me to answer the door. To our surprise, it's Don and he ignores Peter completely to just walk in.

"Hey, kiddo. I heard what happened."

Wow, Roy, did I come off that messed up you had to let daddy know in case I might off myself?

Other than getting straight to the point as to why he's here, he glances over at Peter as he sits beside me, Don sneers at my boyfriend like Peter left a flaming bag of dog shit at his door before turning his attention back to me.

"I just wanted to check on you."

I rub my face to remove any tears.

"Thanks. But honestly, I'm not doing so great."

"Yeah, my boy mentioned you weren't taking things well. Not like he was any better. It's his first murder case and he's not hiding the rattle in his voice very well."

By how sick Roy looked, this comes as no surprise to me.

"So...What did your son say? Are there any suspects?"

Peter asks but Don gives him attitude.

"I wasn't talking to you. And no, not yet. They're still going over things. Investigations don't get solved in a day. This isn't TV."

Peter leers at the older man talking down to him like a child. I sigh and curl in on myself, gaining some attention.

"Darling, what's wrong?"

My fingers dig into my pants trying to claw my legs.

"I don't know what to do anymore."

Don, in an ultra-rare moment, pets the top o my head.

"Don't beat yourself up over this. If you want, we can meet up tomorrow and, I dunno, just forget about life for a couple hours. You need it."

Lord, after the mess that was last night, his offer sounds like a dream. But I can't. I can feel the murderous aura of intent beside me. Accepting would end poorly and I've been responsible for enough death already.

"Thank you for the offer, sir. But...I just don't think I'm up for it."

He runs a hand through his hair.

"I understand. Just know if you need anything, my door is always open for you. Mmkay?"

Don begins to take his leave and Peter rubs my back.

"Poor, darling. This place is making your depression worse. You know...My offer still stands. You can come live with me."

That has Don freeze partway out of the door.

"What?"

Peter smirks at this reaction.

"I wasn't talking to you. But, yes, you heard me right. Lynsie can come live with me. Got a problem with that?"

Don comes back and sizes Peter up, making him stand up to meet my now pissed-off Landlord.

"Lynsie isn't leaving. She is still under contract with this place for another nine months. So unless you're willing to pay $4,500 right now, I suggest you stop trying to play superman and zip your lip before your mouth writes a check you can't cash."

"A perfect turn of phrase. Because I'm about to make you eat those words..."

Peter reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a checkbook before tugging a pen from his front pocket, writing out the said amount with the cocky bravado of a millionaire playboy. Don's eyes widen yet he holds back rage at such audacity.

"I am aware that you're worried about the check bouncing. But I assure you, I have excellent credit history and nothing to worry about."

With it all signed, he tears it out from the book and casually hands it to Don between two fingers, a slightly cocky smirk curling his lips. Don glares at the check for a moment and then turns to me.

"Is this what you want, Lynsie?"

I don't know! This is all happening so fast. I just want to go away. I don't want to be anywhere anymore. I can't pull any words out so...I just...Reach out and take hold of Peter's shirt like a tether of comfort.

"I think the lady has made her choice."

Don's concern grows.

"If you're making her, I swear..."

"Please don't swear in front of my darling. You don't want to upset her further."

Don looks like he's about to throw punches.

"And I'm not making her do anything. If she wants to stay, she can stay."

I swallow the stress lump choking my throat and make myself get up.

"I...*sigh* I'm sorry, Don."

Never did I think I'd see this wall of a man crack even in the slightest.

"Lynsie..."

Even his voice seems weaker. It hurts. I avert my eyes.

"I can't keep doing this. It was bad enough when I was just supporting Lucy. But now...It's likely we both won't be working and even if I stay on as your helper, I can't expect you to do any more favors for me or her. You're a good man, Don. I won't take advantage of your kindness."

I'm not lying. Don has given me more breaks than I deserved. I couldn't ask for a better Landlord. But I can't keep that up. I've dug my grave and I'll bury myself in. No one else needs to stain their hands in such dirt.

Peter flutters the check to gain Don's attention, the big man gives me one more look before spitefully snatching the check out of Peter's hand and poking his chest harshly.

"Lynsie isn't going anywhere until this has been cleared. Got it?"

Peter puts his hands up with a playful smile.

"Of course! I wouldn't have it any other way."

Don gives one last scoff before taking his leave. There's an uneasy calm before Peter turns his attention towards me.

"Sorry about that, darling. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. But he was just begging to be put in his place."

I hold my arms and keep quiet. He gently puts his hands on my shoulders, giving me a few rubs to ease me.

"Tell you what...Why don't you just relax? I'll collect your belongings."

I look up at him.

"You don't need to..."

"There isn't much in your room, dear. And you were so thoughtful to tidy up a while back. It'll make it all the easier to gather."

I pout.

"This feels so weird."

"Is it weird to finally be together? Isn't that what we wanted?"

"Y-Yeah. Yet it's all happening so fa-...!"

His mouth shuts mine up and warmth spreads through me to settle my nerves. He pulls back with a smile.

"This is the only thing I'll rush you through. Now that we're together, we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each and every second with one another. How does that sound?"

His words do make me feel better. I smile back.

"I'd like that."

He nuzzles my cheek before letting go.

"I'll bring you Cuddles. Stay put for me."

I nod and he heads for my room. With not much else to do other than lose my mind in deeper darker thoughts, I go over to the balcony door and stare out at the view for what is likely the last time. It isn't long till he returns with his arms full, I take my tiger and help him with the door, just leaving it open for him. I hold Cuddles close and stroke it while returning to the view.

"Breathe deep the gathering gloom. Watch lights fade from every room. Bedsitter people look back and lament. Another day's useless energy spent. Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. Lonely man cries for love and has none. New mother picks up and suckles her son. Senior citizens wish they were young. Cold-hearted orb that rules the night. Removes the colors from our sight. Red is gray and yellow white. But we decide which is right. And which is an illusion."

Nights in White Satin by the Moody Blues. I always loved the song but the poem from the end of it really stayed with me. It comes to mind when I'm feeling uncertain. I think I was always into deep stuff like that. Man, I was such a broody bitch in my youth.

"You can't be serious?!"

I brace myself knowing this isn't going to go well.

"Tell me this is a joke."

I hold Cuddles tighter as I'm spun around by Lucy.

"Tell me this is a sick joke you're pulling. You're not leaving."

I guess they ran into Don or something. Peter would be here if they ran into him. TK and Vio soon join us but I keep my walls up.

"I am."

"Like hell you are!"

I flinch. The flashbacks are trying to trigger.

"Where is this even coming from? You can't just pack up and go."

TK's voice is at least softer and more in concern than Lucy's snapping.

"Did he put ya up to this?!"

Vio's accusatory tone is demeaning.

"Where is the fucker? I'm gonna..."

"Gonna what?"

Peter's voice gains attention. Dirty looks are shot his way but he just looks at me.

"Darling? You alright? Are they bothering you?"

I go to move but Lucy blocks me and Vio loses his shit.

"Son of a bitch!"

Vio charges with a punch but Peter merely moves to the side and Vio's fist goes through the door. Well...There goes my security deposit on this place.

"Why so violent?"

"Fuck you!"

Vio tries to grab at him with his free hand but Peter clutches Vio's hair and pulls his head back in a painful bend.

"You are such a pain."

*BAM*

Vio's face collides with the door, most likely breaking his nose, and knocks him out. His body just hangs limply from his protruding arm.

"There. Maybe a nap will calm him down."

TK backs up to be at my side, I don't think I've seen fear on them before. Lucy, on the other hand, takes the initiative to bolt to a certain spot for a weapon.

"If you're looking for the bat, Lulu, it's not there."

I speak up and the look she shoots me is harsh.

"Where is it?!"

I don't answer as Peter strolls over to me and TK. TK attempts to block me from Peter, putting themselves between us, but I move around them much to their confusion.

"Lynsie?"

I ignore TK and Peter pats my head.

"I'll try to finish quickly, okay love? Then we can go."

"Alright. I'll get V out of the door."

"Such a sweetheart."

With no other obstacle trying to block him, Peter heads to my room for more belongings and I offer Cuddles to a confused TK.

"Hold him for me. You look like you need him."

"Uh..."

I don't let them finish and drape the tiger over their shoulder before going to collect Vio. Lucy comes over since TK is too stunned to move.

"Lynsie, where's the bat?"

I don't respond, simply focusing on trying to prop his dead weight on my back so his arm can be taken out without harm. She doesn't like this.

"Bitch, don't ignore me! Where's the fucking bat?!"

I manage to dislodge Vio from the door and bring him to the couch. Only once I've set Vio down does Lucy grab me and starts to shake me.

"Damn it, Lynsie! Snap out of it!"

The pressure...

"Do you not see what's happening?!"

The stress...

"Quit being stupid and listen to me!"

It's too much...

*slap*

TK's shocked. Lucy's stunned. I'm trembling and my hand stings. She feels her face slowly.

"...You hit me?"

Her voice sounds less like "how could you" and more like "how dare you". It pushes my buttons with enough force to make them stick down.

"This...This is why I'm leaving. I'm sick of this bullshit! Sick of everyone telling me what I can and can't do. This is my life. Mine! I don't belong to anyone and I can make my own damn choices without any of your inputs! So leave me the fuck alone. I'm done."

Peter peaks out.

"You okay, darling?"

I huff trying to calm down.

"How much more is left?"

"Not much. Maybe about six or so more passes."

"*sigh* Let me help."

I head for the room as he carries out some more things. He's been busy in here. My clothes are already crammed in old duffle bags I haven't used since I moved in. Half the boxes are gone and so is my laptop. I check the drawers, they're empty. I check under the bed, the binders are still here so I put them on the bed so they won't be forgotten.

"Lynsie?"

TK's voice makes me pause.

"I'm not apologizing."

They come over carefully and put Cuddles on the bed.

"I know you're upset. You have every right to be. We've just been butting in every chance we get. But..."

"But what? I think you've all made your points pretty clear. You all hate Peter. I don't care. I just don't care anymore."

"You saw the same thing we did, right? How he took out Vio?"

"V came at him unprovoked."

"The head bash was unnecessary."

"You know damn well V was gonna keep at it if he wasn't stopped."

"But..."

"TK, please...

My voice strains to keep from breaking.

"Don't make this harder than it needs to be."

Why do they have to make this worse? I can't handle so much in such a short time. I need time to...

Arms hold me tight and a cheek nuzzles mine.

"I don't know where you're going and I don't know why. But listen to your heart before you tell me goodbye."

I sigh.

"Using song lyrics on me?"

"If you can do it when you want to make a point, then so can I."

They know me so well. My chest hurts.

"Fine...But please let me go."

They're reluctant but do so. I start loading my arms up when they begin humming. Wait, they're not gonna sing, are they?

"Ev'ry time we say goodbye; I die a little. Ev'ry time we say goodbye; I wonder why a little. Why the Gods above me, who must be in the know. Think so little of me, they allow you to go. When you're near, there's such an air of spring about it. I can hear a lark somewhere, begin to sing about it. There's no love song finer. But how strange the change, from major to minor. Ev'ry time we say goodbye."

They're not singing, which is a shame because British accents become liquid swoon when sung, but the way they recited those lyrics...It hits harder this way. I'd like to praise TK but the looming death in the doorway is doing his best to hold himself back. Quick do something!

"Sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean to take too long."

Chills rack TK's spine as Peter steps in.

"No worries, darling. Just came to get another load. You sure you can carry all that?"

"Yep. I'm a big strong girl."

"That you are."

Considering I don't know where his vehicle is, I wait for Peter to get his load and follow him down to the curb where his van is parked. Wow, this thing does not help him seem any less messed up. The worn-down-looking grey van has its windows darkly tinted on the side and some bare minimum patchwork is done to the couple bang-ups it has, the thing is one "Free Candy" sign away from being reported by the overly paranoid.

"Really?"

"What?"

"All I'm gonna say is...new paint job."

"And what would you recommend?"

"Hmmm...Oh! The Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo!"

He snickers and we cram more of my stuff into the van's belly. This is how things go for a couple of turns. Don eventually comes back and, other than seeing me putting my stuff in Peter's van, is not too happy about the damage to the door. Peter takes out the last of my things as Vio begins to stir and I hand Don my keys.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Lynsie?"

"If I had a grand for every time I've been asked that, I could afford to stay for the rest of the lease. But this is about more than money. I...I need to getaway. To get my head on straight."

"And ya think that fuck nugget is gonna help ya?"

Vio snarls while rubbing his probably throbbing noggin.

"Don't start. Like you're even one to talk."

"The fuck does that mean?"

"Make up your mind! You can't plead your case in having feelings for me while banging Lucy."

He flinches, either in pain or shame. I feel bad and I don't want this to be how our farewell ends, so I go to him for a tender embrace that he wasn't expecting.

"V, my guy, you mean a lot to me. I value you. I'm not cutting you out of my life. But think things through, okay?"

He holds me close.

"Please...Don't leave me."

Don't...Don't do that to me...Please.

"Vio..."

I give his brow a kiss and his eyes water while widening.

"If you need anything, I'll just be a phone call away."

It's a struggle to pull away from him, but when I do I move on to TK and hug them.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"You never disappoint me."

"Don't lie. It doesn't suit you."

"...I'm going to miss you. So very much."

"Same. Dork squad for life?"

"Heh...*sniffle* You know it."

TK, my buddy, always so sweet and caring. I need to make it up to them somehow...sometime. I part from them and move to Lucy. The hug I give her is short and less emotional.

"May your future shine as bright as your smile and you continue to be the good friend I know you are."

"*scoff* Don't give me that basic bitch sap. Tell me how you really feel."

"*sigh* Okay...You can be a real cunt sometimes but you're never fake or put up with bullshit. I have mad respect for you even if you piss me off. Your loyalty is worth it. Never change, you crazy broad."

She gives a small laugh.

"Took you all this time to finally open up like that? Figures. Don't be a stranger, okay? If I text you and you leave me on read or ghost me, I'm gonna track you down and kick your ass."

I give her finger guns.

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Lulu."

And last but not least, I move to Don and pat his shoulder.

"And I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow."

As much as he tries to fight it, he cracks a small smirk.

"Kid, come on..."

"Yeah, you're right."

I pull him into a side hug and pat his back.

"I've said it before and I still mean it. You're a good man, Don. A bit of an intimidating hardass, sure, but your heart is always in the right place. If you need to talk or whatever, you have my contact."

The normally emotionally closed man surprises me by reciprocating the affection, a hand on my back and one behind my head holding me to his shockingly firm chest.

"You're a good girl, Lynsie. Do not hesitate to reach out if you need help."

"Deal, you big softy."

He lets me go and I head for the door. I pause in the doorway, taking one last look at the place I once called home and the people I've cared for. God, it's taking me so much willpower not to break down into tears like the emotional bitch I am.

"I guess I should make this moment memorable. *ahem* ♪Goodnight, goodnight, until we meet again. Adios, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehn, 'til then. And though it's always sweet sorrow to part. You know you'll always remain in my heart. Goodnight, sleep tight, and pleasant dreams to you. Here's a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true. And now 'til we meet again...Adios, Au Revoir, Auf Wiedersehn. Goodnight!♫"

I close the door and feel my throat clench tight. I'm gonna break.

"Darling?"

Peter is at the top of the stairs. I guess the moment has come. He waits as I make my way to him.

"Everything okay? You look upset."

I shake my head.

"*meek* I hate saying goodbyes."

He puts his arm around me and we head for his van.

"Don't feel so glum, dear. Soon, we'll be enjoying our new life and you'll never have to be so stressed again."

"*meek* Okay..."

When we get there, he opens the passenger side door for me and helps me in before closing it shut. The inside isn't too bad, he keeps it decently clean with a small collection of scented pine trees on the rear-view mirror and an ashtray filled with all sorts of change. Cuddles is laying across the dashboard, as if waiting for me, I don't think twice about holding the tiger tight in my arms as Peter hops into the diver seat.

"Ready to go home?"

I nod.

"Then buckle up, darling. It's going to be a long trip."

I do as told before he starts the engine and pulls away, really sinking this in for me.

"I know you're still feeling uncomfortable."

"*meek* I don't like change. At least, not all at once."

"My poor love. Today has not been kind to you. But don't worry. I'll take care of you and ease your mind. We'll get your things in and curl up to watch a movie. You can play with Rat while I make dinner. And then we can cuddle the night away in each others' arms. How does that sound?"

That earns him a smile.

"There's that sweet smile. God, I can't wait to wake up each day to you being beside me."

I snicker.

"Have I ever told you how cute you sound when you get like this?

His cheeks burn a little.

"Awww...Is my sweetie getting flustered? How adorable."

"Darling, please, I'm trying to drive."

"Sorry, my bad. I just thought maybe you'd be happy to know you made me feel better."

"I-I am. Truly, it's good to see you're feeling like yourself again. It's just, I need to keep my eyes on the road."

I smirk.

"Fine. I'll hold off telling my boyfriend how much I love him and think he's the best thing to happen to me."

His grip on the steering wheel tightens as he bites his bottom lip with a faint whimper.

"You okay, Peter?"

"Once we get home, I'd like to show you how much I've been dying to have you all to myself."

"Oh? And just what might entail, naughty boy?"

"Trust me, darling, you'll love every moment of it to the point you won't want to leave the bed. And if you try, I'll just have to tie you down and make you stay for more."

"...You serious?"

"You wanna find out?"

The daring look in his eyes and hungry smirk tells me he's not joking.

"Well...You've put me in my place, sir."

"Not yet I have~."

My face burns and I hide in Cuddles.

"Curse you and your smooth horny ways."

He laughs at my response as he brings a hand over and places it firmly on my thigh, caressing it with such an eager motion that my body shivers.

"You curse me, yet it seems you like my horny ways. Mmmm...If you keep this up I might have to make a detour to tend to these needs."

"W-What happened to 'I need to keep my eyes on the road'?"

He purrs but removes his hand.

"True. I've waited all my life for you. I can wait three more hours."

I inwardly sigh with relief. I need to not bring out wild Peter while he's driving. That's a recipe for disaster.

*THUMP*

The van goes over a bump and the glove box opens, revealing a blood-stained knife and also stained journal...Cindy's journal. My eyes widen and breathing picks up speed, a panic attack is trying to trigger. Sensing the incoming freak out, Peter reaches over and shuts the glove box back up.

"Don't dwell on it. Think happy thoughts, darling."

My heart is racing for all the wrong reasons, I squeeze Cuddles tighter and pull my legs up to curl into a ball of discomfort in my seat.

"I know...You need a distraction."

He reaches into his vest pocket and offers me his phone.

"I have unlimited service, unlike yours. So you can watch videos or play with some games I have. The unlock code is your birthday."

Curiosity pulls my attention away from the fucked up thoughts swimming in my skull. I take his phone and tap the screen. The lock screen is a simple heart, the same one that is on his shirt. I type in my birthday digits...the seventh of November...and it unlocks. The wallpaper is eye-catching. It's a photo of him and me yet I'm sleeping, but going off how the room looks, the picture was taken before we met...the roses aren't there. What other things of this nature are on here?

"Something wrong, dear?"

But maybe that's for another time.

"No. Just admiring your wallpaper."

"I'm proud of that one. That was taken on the first night I was brave enough to get in the bed with you."

"Was that a pill night?"

"I think so? I was so excited I can't really remember."

I chuckle and open the YouTube app. I could probably put on some random let's play or crazy compilation, but since this is his account, I opt to watch some of his videos. I haven't gotten around to checking his channel out, so what better time to do it than a three-hour car ride? I know he reviews things but I don't think he's the same kind of reviewer that I usually watch like Nostalgia Critic, Caddicarus, and the Angry Video Game Nerd.

"Hello there viewers..."

"Are you watching my videos?"

I pause it.

"Is that bad? I haven't seen your stuff, so I just thought..."

"Oh, no, please do. Let me know what you think."

I nod and continue the video.

"In today's video, I'll be checking out secret menu items and letting you know if they're worth hunting down. Our first target, McDonald's, and the legendary item simply known as the McGangBang."

Well, you had my curiosity but now you have my attention.

Video Peter is like a different person. For one, he doesn't show up in video unless the video is about food or a product is bigger than his setup and needs a full demonstration. And his voice, my lord, it's like ASMR to me. It's soft and borders a soothing monotone. It lulls my weary senses to peace after what feels like an hour.

…

*clunk*

I jump a little at the sudden noise of the door opening. Probably didn't help I was leaning on it.

"Whoa, easy, darling. It's just me."

I let out a shaky breath or two.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."

"It's fine. Got a little sleepy spooked. Heh...What's up?"

He undoes my seat belt and pulls me into his arm to be held bridal style.

"Sweetie?"

"Indulge me, my love. I've longed to carry you across the threshold."

Threshold? I rub the sleep from my eyes as he butt bumps the door shut and take in the sight while he starts walking. It's a house. Not a big one, maybe enough space for one or two people to live in, rose bushes are planted not far from the building and we approach the currently open front door. The area around us is tucked as far from the city as I could imagine. It seems his, I mean, our home is nestled in the woods. Tall thick trees sway in the wind, the calm woodland scent wafting in the air, and the ambient songs of nature...I can totally see why he lives out here. The grin he has as we enter the home is sweet and he sets me down gently on the softest sofa my body has ever had the pleasure of sitting on.

"Welcome home, darling!"

He's so excited, big smile and arm stretched. I look around and take things in. A simple but fine living room this is. My things are already stacked against the side of the sofa, a cost hanger by the door, a TV with an entertainment center loaded with movies, a coffee table with a vase of roses as a centerpiece, and a sizable tank covered with a blanket.

"*gasp* Baby noodle!"

I give Peter a begging look.

"Go ahead."

With giddy excitement I rush to the tank but try to keep calm, I don't want the vibrations to scare her. Slowly, I lift the blanket back and damn he spoils her. It's like a mini terrarium in there. And the noodle is doing a good job in blending in despite her coloration.

*click*

I look back to see Peter locking the door. He catches my gaze and I just shrug before returning to look for Rat.

"You don't mind, do you?"

"What? Locking the door? Nah, it's fine. Wouldn't want door-to-door sales wolves showing up and trying to sell us vacuum cleaners."

He snickers and makes his way up behind me.

"Haven't found her yet?"

"Noodle baby is in stealth mode."

He slides the top a little and reaches in, putting his hand down flat then tapping faintly. Then...There's movement. A little break of white gets spotted and he gently goes for it, scooping up the little snake.

"Here she is."

"Awww...Baby was shy."

He pulls Rat out and nuzzles her a little. Looking at her, Rat seems to be a western hog-nose snake. Adults grow to 30–120 cm (12–47 in) in total length but she's still a baby, so at most, she's normal chocolate bar size maybe 10-15 cm (4-6 in). They get their name from their upturned snout, which is believed to aid in digging in sandy soils. They make for easy and safe pets. Members of this genus have enlarged rear maxillary teeth, two on each side, and possess slightly toxic saliva. In a few cases involving bites, the symptoms reported have ranged from none at all to mild tingling, swelling, and itchy skin. Nevertheless, they are generally considered to be very harmless to humans. The bulk of their diet is made up of rodents and lizards, with some specializing in feeding on toads, having an immunity to the toxins that toads secrete.

"Wanna hold her?"

I hold my palms open together and he brings her close. Her little tongue flicking on my skin is making it hard not to giggle. I don't want to make her feel weird. Typically a docile snake though known to be highly defensive in some individuals, if threatened or perceiving a threat, they may flatten their neck much like a cobra, hiss, and make 'mock' or 'bluff' strikes if harassed, which are strikes made at an intruder but with a closed mouth. Subsequently, even when further harassed, they will never bite as a self-defense mechanism, but will instead usually resort to playing dead. Although it is more common that it will flatten its head, some individuals may puff up, filling the throat with air. This is more normal with adolescent males. ...I watched way too many animal documentaries.

She's slow to make up her mind. Are my hands not warm enough? Do they smell something off? Is my vibe bad? I'm being rejected by the baby!

"There she goes..."

A few small slithers and she's mine. My heart wants to explode. The cool belly scales trick my brain into thinking they feel different than what they are even while knowing that. The mind is dumb as hell.

"See? I knew she'd like you."

"I have been accepted by the baby! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"

I kiss the top of Rat's head and Peter takes her back, mustn't overexcite the baby.

"I'm so glad you're here, darling. You make this house feel like a home."

"I'm glad to be here too. I know I'll still need to adjust to being here, but it'll be much easier than what I was used to. I...I don't have to try so hard just to scrape by now. I can start making videos again. Maybe work on some story ideas. Heck, I might get back into drawing. And I have you to thank for that."

He scoops me up under my arms holds me high.

"No thanks needed, my love. You being with me is all I could ask for. Though..."

His hands let me slip so I slide down his arms and he catches me in his embrace.

"If you really want to thank me, I do accept tokens of affection. Preferably kisses~."

His tone drops to a more seductive growl. Does naughty boy think he has full access to this dungeon on level three? Oh no no no...He still needs level grinding to be ready. More like, till I'm ready.

"As you wish."

I cup his face and begin pecking little kisses across his blushing cheeks. How quickly he morphs from a lustful man to a flustered mush boy is never going to stop being the cutest thing to me.

"Look at you. You, who utters such things that would make Zeus and Aphrodite blush, made a humbled mess as Tethys would make of her beloved Oceanus."

He looks as though he's at his limit of cute so I let him go to calm down.

"By the way...*huff* Who are Tethys and Oceanus? I heard of Zeus and Aphrodite before."

"Oh, Oceanus and Tethys were one of the few monogamous couples on the family tree of the immortals of ancient Greek Mythology. I won't bore you with the long history, but Oceanus was the son of Ouranos and Gaea the sky and earth, making him the original sea god before Poseidon. His consort was his sister Tethys, who purportedly gave birth to the chief rivers of the world known to the Greeks, such as the Nile, the Alpheus, the Maeander, and about 3,000 or so daughters called the Oceanids. Each Oceanid was assigned a particular body of water, pasture, or cloud."

He stares wide-eyed.

"I did tell you I majored in Greek Mythology."

"He had 3,000 kids...with his sister?"

"The immortals were immune to such genetic woes like incestuous inbreeding. Their blood was golden and poisonous to mere mortals. And when looking for love, if you are immortal, would it not make sense to also wed another such as yourself?"

"I mean...I guess. But still, that's family. It's..."

"Extremely gross and uncomfortable?"

"Yeah."

"It's best not to think about it. Most aren't porking their siblings. Just aunts, uncles, and cousins. Mt. Olympus! The Alabama of Heavens."

"Why would you study that?"

"I like the stories and the gods weren't OP perfect beings. They were flawed and very human for what they were. There were ones you could love, ones you could hate, ones you felt bad for, and others you wish were kicked in the nuts. And the creatures...I could go on for days."

He holds my hands.

"Would you tell me more?"

"You want to hear me ramble on about it? Wasn't it making you feel weird?"

"Darling, I can listen to you gush about your passions for as long as you have breath in your lungs."

Now it's my turn to be a blushing fool. He spares me a little bit, kissing my knuckles with a cheeky grin.

"Let's get you unpacked and you can tell me all about the myths."

"Maybe not all about them. We're talking thousands of years of lore and multiple interpretations with some aspects even lost to time."

"That's fine. Do your best."

And...yeah...It goes as simple as that. Moving things from the living room, to his bedroom, putting things away and then repeating, all while I drone on about ancient lore while occasionally answering the random questions he gives me. It's nice. The questions are real ones and not just about the weird sex stuff like Lucy would drill for. There's only so much going into the insanity that is Zeus's sex life even I can take. I do have to pause the chatter when he finds my old yearbooks and I have to pry them from his hands, reminding him of our little deal, pictures for pictures. I don't think he was expecting me to remember that, probably so he'd avoid talking to his family for photos. He caves though and I have to find a spot to hide them from his snooping ways later. It's rather convenient that he had a second wardrobe that wasn't being used, totally not like he got it because he figured I'd be here at some point, the lovable dork. It's a nice one too, has looks of places to put things in and isn't just a giant open space like a closet.

"Well? What do you think?"

"Not bad. Gonna need something to stuff my books and stories into, but at least the majority is put away."

"Have you tried out the bed?"

I look over at it.

"King-sized?"

"Soft foam mattress, fresh fluffy pillows, lots of room for snuggling..."

I think he's learned some pitches from the sales wolves.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

I'm not up for some couple fun time yet. I change the subject.

"Where do you make your videos? I don't see your setup."

He blinks a few times.

"Oh. Down the hall. We can put your laptop there if you want."

"Sweet. Maybe we can record together sometime."

His eyes light up.

"Like cross-channel collaborations?"

I shrug.

"Sure. You can play games with me or provide extra commentary on my vids. And I'll help you test stuff on yours. Win-win."

The idea takes a moment to work its way through his head.

"You'll really help with my testing?"

I throw my hands up.

"Nothing super crazy, okay? I draw the line of random naughty shit that will border the porn line. I'm trying to get monetized."

He cocks his eyes.

"You play suggestive dating sims."

"That's only a tiny fraction of my content."

"You subscriber milestone game list is nothing but porn games."

"There is nothing porn related about I Love You, Colonel Sanders: A Finger-Lickin' Good Dating Simulator."

He snickers and leads me out of the bedroom.

"You're too cute sometimes, I swear."

"You love it when I'm cute."

"Oh you know I do."

He stops in the kitchen but ushers me away to the living room.

"But I can help."

"No no. I said I will make dinner. You sit your cute butt down and spend some time with our baby."

I can't take that seriously, laughing to myself while doing as he wanted. I get the remote for the stereo and sit my butt down by Rat's tank.

"Hey there, baby girl. Hope You don't mind me being here and taking his attention. I promise you won't be left out. I shall spoil you just as much."

I click the stereo on.

"Now let's see...What can we zone out to?"

I lower the bass and heighten the treble. No need to freak baby noodle out with loud shaky vibrations. I flip through radio stations till something sounds fine...I Ran by A Flock of Seagulls.

"♪I walked along the avenue. I never thought I'd meet a girl like you. Meet a girl like you. With auburn hair and tawny eyes. The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through. Hypnotize me through. And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away...♫"

"You have great taste, darling."

"It's what I grew up on. Gotta love the 80s."

"♪A cloud appears above your head. A beam of light comes shining down on you. Shining down on you. The cloud is moving nearer still. Aurora borealis comes in view. Aurora comes in view. And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away...♫"

I shut my eyes and sway to beat.

"♪Reached out a hand to touch your face. You're slowly disappearing from my view. 'Pearing from my view. Reached out a hand to try again. I'm floating in a beam of light with you. A beam of light with you. And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I ran all night and day. And I ran, I ran so far away. I just ran, I couldn't get away.♫"

Such wonderful instrumental bits. Really gives time for the mind to wander.

"You sure you don't want my help, dear?"

"You're fine, darling. Everything is okay in here."

Wonder what he's making. Another song tunes in...I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick.

"I want you to want me...♪I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me. I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt. I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me. Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'. Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me. I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt. I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me. Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'. Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?♫"

The guitar solo breaks the lyrics but only for the shortest of pauses.

"♪Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'. Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'? I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me. I want you to want me. I want you to want me. I want you to want me. I want you to want me.♫"

"Hey, darling..."

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Would you kindly sing for me?"

"I suppose I do owe you some tunes."

The next song begins...When Dove's Cry by Prince...There's a bit of a clatter in the kitchen and I snicker.

"♪Dig if you will the picture. Of you and I engaged in a kiss. The sweat of your body covers me. Can you my darling? Can you picture this? Dream, if you can, a courtyard. An ocean of violets in bloom. Animals strike curious poses. They feel the heat. The heat between me and you. How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that's so cold? (So cold) Maybe I'm just too demanding. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe you're just like my mother. She's never satisfied. (she's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like. When doves cry.♫"

There's a shuffle nearby so I give a peek up at the man looking back down at me flushed. I pat the spot next to me and he sits as I continue with the song.

"♪Touch if you will my stomach. Feel how it trembles inside. You've got the butterflies all tied up. Don't make me chase you. Even doves have pride. How could you just leave me standing? Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold) Maybe I'm just too demanding. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe you're just like my mother. She's never satisfied. (she's never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like. When doves cry.♫"

There isn't much of a pause here but I don't get to continue anyway. He's on me before I know it and my eyes flutter at the intrusion of his tongue. I give in, holding him close and he situates himself between my legs.

"♪How can you just leave me standing. Alone in a world that's so cold? (A world that's so cold) Maybe I'm just too demanding. (maybe, maybe I'm like my father) Maybe I'm just like my father too bold. (you know he's too bold) Maybe you're just like my mother. (maybe you're just like my mother) She's never satisfied. (she's never, never satisfied) Why do we scream at each other? (Why do we scream, why) This is what it sounds like. When doves cry. When doves cry. (doves cry, doves cry) When doves cry. (doves cry, doves cry) Don't cry. (don't cry)♫"

He finds the remote haphazardly and shuts the stereo off, making sure there are no distractions. Though a thought does bug me.

"Sweetie...*smooch* What happened...*smooch* to dinner?"

"After...*smooch* I need you...*smooch* Need your love...*smooth* Then we eat."

"In font...*smooch* of the baby? *smooch*"

"We won't do...*smooch* anything too scary...*smooch* for her."

He breaks the making out to get up, re-cover Rat's tank and pulls me over to the sofa where he begins to undo my pants.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"Nothing we haven't done before, darling."

My pants fall and he turns me around to be bent over the arm of the sofa. I hear him undo his own before moving on top of me.

"Is this what's gonna happen every time I sing? Or were you under the sex spell of Prince?"

"Yes~."

"That didn't answer th- *gasp*!"

His teeth sink into that weak spot on my neck and any resistance dissipates. Feeling me relax, he encircles my waist in his arms and his hips begin to grind on my ass. Is this what life with him will be like? Sweet loving domestic living sprinkled with random heated fooling around...With no interruptions from anyone? Oh...Oh yeah...I can get used to this. I know he is. And he really loves what he can get my body to do when under his whims. All it takes is some tender affection given to my neck and the needy feel of his hands exploring parts only he gets to touch to make me putty he can mold with ease.

"*groan* F-Fuuuuck...Just like that, darling...*moan* Keep rocking those hips for me~."

"Mmmmmm...Keep doing what you doing with your hands and you have a deal."

"Oh? Someone's getting bolder...I like it~."

One hand palms my chest and the other teases its way lower to slip past my underwear then dips into me. He purrs deeply, almost a growl, rattling me to my core.

"You're sooooo wet already...*shudder* Do I really make you feel that good?"

Does he need verbal vindication? Are the mewlings he draws from the depths of my soul not enough? His fingers graze my clit and he gets his answer. My back arches, hands gripping sofa cushions, with the neediest cry. He doesn't move after that. I don't move either. Awkwardness sets in.

"...Sorry?"

He's suddenly off me and anxiety begins creeping in...Only to be flipped over on my back and underwear pulled around my ankles.

"P-Peter?"

"Forgive me, sun spot. Seems I'll just be cooking for you tonight."

"Why?"

He crouches down out of sight before popping his head back up with my knees on his shoulder, his hands taking firm hold of my things.

"Because I'm about to eat you out for dinner~."

I'm embarrassed but can't stop laughing at the cheese that line was till a sudden leg lick makes me yelp in surprise.

"You won't be laughing by the time I'm done."

Bold words my love...Oh, how you embolden me.

"Well threaten me with a good time why don'tcha."

His eyes widen for a second before half lidding into a predatory gaze to match his hungry grin.

"I love you so damn much~."

He kisses his way down my thigh, moving closer and closer to where unbelievable heat has pooled. I watch inquisitively as he touches without hesitation, without disgust or haste, he kisses in places no mouth has ever gone been before. He worships my body in ways I never believed to be possible. He pauses, warm breath hitting me in deep breathy huffs.

"Is this okay?"

Even when right on the edge he holds back till given the okay. How can I deny such a request?

"I can't say no to you, sweetie. Please...Enjoy me."

He coos with joy.

"You're so incredible. So gorgeous. Just for me. All for me...Only mine..."

He kisses at the very edge of my leg, so close to my sex that I flinch from the sensation. He wraps his arms around my thighs now to keep them under better control. Then...contact is made.

Peter's tongue is super sensitive for him, but at this moment, I might as well be the one that's feeling ultra-sensitive. This is the first time he's done this! Why is he so good?! His tongue traces along the lips until he presses further in. My moans hitch ever so often as nerves flare at new touches. Instinct demands I clutch onto something, anything, just the need to grab. The cushions beside and above me feel the sting of my vice-like grip. He sucks on my clit and my head lulls back with a sharp groan, eyes closed, unable to focus on anything but his mouth.

"Oooh...P-Peter...*shudder*"

I feel his lips curl in a smile against me, tongue swirling at sensitive areas that are making me squirm and only held in place by his strong arms. My uttering of his name seems to earn a reward of sorts. His tongue sweeps firmly across my folds before reaching my clit and carefully biting it. The shrill garbled sound that hurts my throat nearly makes him stop in fear, but...

"*whimper* F-Fuuuuck...I l-love you..."

Hearing that wipes away any fear or doubt in his mind.

"Heh...I love you too, darling. But if you're still able to talk, then I'm not doing it right. Ready for the real fun~?"

"*shudder* W-What?"

He frees my right leg and his left hand disappears from my sight, the only clue to what he's doing with it is the feel of his body moving faintly.

"Be a good girl for me and try not to crush my head. Or do. Death by these squishy pillows would be a very good way to go out."

"D-Don't say such silly things. I need yoooooooh~"

My words blur into a moan as his long tongue slithers deep inside me. My heels press into his back trying to bring him closer and he heeds the signal. He pushes his tongue completely inside me, forcing the space to accommodate the girthy intruder even as my walls squeeze around it, swirling to taste every inch in search of places to tease.

A frustrated wince escapes me when he pulls his tongue out. The sound of fapping reaches my ears.

"Lord, I love how you taste. Sweeter than any candy. *growl* I'm already addicted to your flavor."

"*whimper* P-Peter...please..."

"Yes, you're right. I'm sorry, sun spot. No more teasing. Only pleasure~."

His mouth closes around my clit, sucking and nipping at the swollen bud. He's driving me mad. Every little action, all the sounds he makes, the sweet passionate care. My mind is utterly lost to everything that isn't him. All the thought my brain can focus on is centered around release and how to help get it. Letting go of cushions, my hands find new targets in the form of my breasts, pawing and rolling my fingers over the excited nipples hidden under clothing. He purrs heatedly as my hips try to gyrate into him, so he pulls away from my clit to resume tongue fucking me, making sure his nose brushes into the sensitive bud every time he moves in and out. Then I feel it. The sense of intense heat rushing through my body and building up in my lower stomach.

"*moans* P-Pete...Peter...P-Peter...Peeeetteeeerrr..."

"Cum for me Lynsie~."

His words are muffled into me, his tongue working me hard and bumping into what feels like my cervix. Something in me is touched just right by that long exploring tongue of his and I come undone. My body trembles and pulses around him as I climax, his name on repeat from my lips. He doesn't stop at my release, licking up the juices that were running from my core as my vision goes black for a moment. Small aftershocks run through me as he gently pulls out, licking up as much of me as he can. My eyes are closed as I attempt to focus on controlling my unsteady breathing, my fingers locked on my heaving chest. The sight of me being brought to oblivion has him collapse to the floor with a thud, the faint sound of wet slapping and primal moans lasts for a bit till there's a much louder sound. Then silence.

"*weary* D-Darling..."

"*weak* Ye...Yeah?"

My mouth is so dry from panting.

"*weary* Seeing you come apart like that for me...was the most amazing thing ever."

"*weak* Sounds like...you had a good time...I'm glad."

"*weary* Did you? Enjoy it I mean."

"*weak* Sweetie...I can't feel my legs...F-Fuck yeah, it was good."

He laughs but it becomes coughing. Seems his throat is also dry.

"*weary* We're such a mess."

"*weak* A good mess?"

"*weary* No...A hot one."

"*weak* Heh...Dork."

There's that drained feeling like from the other night. I'm not gonna last long. Probably didn't help that all I had today was a single energy drink in the morning.

"*weak* Gonna take...a small nap...That okay?"

"*weary* Yeah. Gimme a moment to get my strength back. Then I'll finish cooking and feed you."

"*weak* Cool...Love ya...sweetness..."

I go limp and let everything fade away.

…

True to his word, Peter wakes me maybe an hour into my nap and brought me something to put in my belly. I'm grateful he fixed my clothes and moved me to sleep in a better position, it would've sucked to be sore after all that.

"How is it?"

"*sleepy* It's good."

I still sound tired and my body tries to nod off again.

"Here, let me do it. At this rate, you'll face plant into the plate."

"*sleepy* Sorry."

"Oh, no apologies needed, darling. You're not used to finishing and the sleepiness it brings. But you'll get used to it the more we fool around."

"*sleepy* You no sleepy?"

"Nope. I'm used to it. Though you helping me cum makes the orgasm hit way stronger than when I do it myself."

"*sleepy* Really?"

"Trust me, there's a difference. You turn me on so easily, it's hard not to give in and touch myself. Especially when I'd be in your closet and you’d come back from a shower in nothing but a towel...*coos* Just going about your business like it was nothing. And you'd be like that for hours. Practically begging me to come to you. *deeper* I'd imagine making myself known to you right there then pleasuring you till your bed broke and the whole building knew who was making you feel so good by how loud you were screaming my name...*shuddering whimper* ...Damn it, I'm hard again."

"*sleepy giggle*"

My drained body craves for me to give in to gravity. I lean back and let him spoon-feed me. A simple light meal, but good nonetheless, some scrambled eggs and toast with grape jelly. It's been so long since I had something so basic yet so good.

"Do you want more?"

My mind tries to shake my head but my body refuses to do it.

"Darling?"

Gravity wins out and I tip over, my head landing on his lap, making him rather flustered.

"O-Okay...uh...You're not making this any easier for me."

I give him a small nuzzle and he stiffens up

"*sleepy* Mine..."

I can feel the world slipping again. But I do hear him speak into my ear.

"Yours...All yours~."

Gentle petting lulls me as I return to unconsciousness.

#your boyfriend #yourboyfriend #your boyfriend peter #your boyfriend fanfiction #yourboyfriend peter

[haikyuu-fan-chan]

I posted this on youtube as a comment and sent it to my partner, he told me that I should post it somewhere, so yeah here I am posting this here.

Suga was and still is my fav character, and I think he will always be my favorite (sorry Oikawa you're close second with Kuroo, but Suga holds my heart).

So Imma ramble a bit even though I'm pretty sure no one would read this. I properly watched Haikyuu before or as season 2 started airing and I watched it for Tsukki because my friend told me that I had to give it another chance because a cute blond would be appearing on the third episode, and I did, it was the best decision. So upon my proper watching of Haikyuu I tried to be more enthusiastic and notice more characters, and thats how I noticed Suga. At first I thought "oh he cute" and that was supposedly it, though the more I watch it the more I gravitate towards Suga and Oikawa. I'll save the Oikawa part for a bit later but for now I will focus on Suga. But in a nutshell I relate to them a lot, it's not exactly a mirror of my situation. But for Suga the willingness to step aside because there is someone who can do it better than you and you are aware of that, you know your limitations and the things you have to improve on, and knowing that this decision is the best for his goals and the team's goals, and to keep moving forward and adapt.

I aspire to be more like Suga, but in some ways I see myself in him. I'm not a prodigy, nor "talented", but I have skills, skills I put my time and effort in. I'm certainly not the best, but I can do the job good, not exactly going to be the first choice in a pool of people, but I am dependable. I would help when I can, offer what I can, and continue to learn different skills and improve my current ones. During my jhs years because everyone was smart and extremely skillful/talented, and in some ways I feel inferior to stand next to them... even with my own friends. When choosing groups I will not be the first choice because friend A is better, and it feels like I'm often overlooked. It kinda does suck from time to time, even when I reach shs, a "friend" told me "If you were in their group none of you would accomplish anything" (I have to translate this in English because it was spoken to me in our native language). So for me Seeing Suga is somehow cathartic and gives me hope that one day people can see what I do and finally show off or felt like I have proven myself. It goes fairly similar with Oikawa, with the insecurity of being replaced, not being born talented, and that I have to work ten times as hard as how I personally perceive other skillful/ talented people practice that it borders on unhealthy. I wait for the day where my "worthless pride" will finally pay off like Oikawa's.

The funny thing is, I see Suga and Oikawa on a possible different sides of the same coin, at least with the nuance from their relationship with Kageyama, they handled it both differently, and I see myself treading their lines. So watching them or reading them always makes me emotional.

Anyways sorry if you actually read this, it's definitely long, too much ramble, and possible spelling and grammatical mistakes. It's very much a vent, a rant, and my appreciation for Suga, so please take it with a grain of salt, cause you might have different opinions about it.

Try reading OiSuga content for more exploration of that Oikawa and Suga dynamic, and please don't attack me for that.

Thanks for coming to my long ass TedTalk.

#Sugawara Koushi #oisuga #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #sugawara koushi #kōshi sugawara #my unhealthy obsession for sugawara koushi #oikawa tooru

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Dissonance. 

Word Count: 3.0k

Commissioned by the lovely @arthurtheghostmechanic​.

[Part One]

TW: Kidnapping, Captivity, Emotional Manipulation, Unhealthy Power Dynamics, Non-Graphic Violence, and Suffocation.

Every morning, Diavolo would help you get dressed.

It was a daily ritual, one that’d begun the first time you’d shown more interest in burning his gifts than wearing them, and he’d realized he liked the way you squirmed as his fingers brushed against your collarbone, his palms pressing against the dip of your back and his hands tracing the shape of your waist under the guise of fastening a row of clasps that’d been sewn in more for exorbity than security. You supposed this was how he intended to ‘court’ you, as he put it, or it was his favorite method, at least. The others came and went, and although he still occasionally took the time to bring you flowers from the castle’s garden or refuse to feed you at all until you let him feed you by hand, he always had an outfit waiting for you by the time you woke up, he always knew exactly how he wanted you to look, and he always helped you get dressed. Always. It was one of the few constants you could count on, with a man as busy as Diavolo.

Today, he was taking his time. Swabs of silky, scarlet fabric had already been draped over your form and adorned with just the right amount of black and gold to outweigh any individuality you might have retained, and yet, you could still feel warm breath ghost over your skin as he toyed with the strings of an already-bound corset, making you unsure whether he was still contemplating how to perfect it, or if he wanted to undo the intricate knots altogether. You could easily step away, finished or not. He’d positioned you to face a full-body mirror, one of the many scattered around the corners of his bedroom, but there was space, and he wouldn’t stop you, you were sure he wouldn’t stop you. Of all the things he was willing to do, raising a hand was where he drew the line, even if your stubborn neutrality often left him gritting his teeth and appealing to your sense of defeatism. It should’ve been a reassurance, it should’ve been a god-send, but in practice, his self-restraint only made you feel like the villain. If he wasn’t going to shove you away, then you’d have to shy back on your own. And if you did that, then you’d be the one to blame for his subsequent disappointment.

So, you stayed in place, glared at the floor, and wordlessly willed him to grow tired of watching you squirm sooner, instead of later.

Diavolo, however, was not as content with the silence as you were.

“You’ve been quiet, today,” He started, unprompted, unasked for. There couldn’t have been classes, that day. Clearly, he didn’t have anything better to do than draw your suffering out. “Is something wrong, my love?”

You could’ve told the truth. It would’ve been easy to, but there was some twisted, contorted part of you that still thought of Diavolo as someone distant, someone you shouldn’t upset, if only because it was so difficult to dampen his spirits, and he seemed so determined to keep them up. Even after he’d taken you away from the brothers, taken you away from the life you’d wanted, locked you into a gilded cage, and told you to sing for him, you still had to remind yourself to hate him. Fearing him was second nature, but loathing him was another burden entirely. Rather than spouting out the obvious, you let your eyes wander, past the mirror and to the well-decorated wall that lay beyond it. “I’ve been… with you for two weeks, and I haven’t seen anyone besides you and Barbatos,” You starters, letting your gaze fall onto a portrait of a young boy with gold eyes and crimson hair. It had to be Daivolo, but that wasn’t the surprising part - there was only Diavolo. No parents, father or otherwise, a theme that carried into many of the other decorative pieces, as you were beginning to notice. “Is it just the two of you?”

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” He chuckled, shrugging off your flat tone with all of his usual carelessness. If it was a sensitive topic, you couldn’t tell, but you could never tell, not with Diavolo. You’ve only seen him truly, genuinely affected a handful of times, and you doubted something as simple as a conversation would be the thing to finally leave a permanent impact. “If you’re worried there might be a lack of guests, don’t be. The only reason you haven’t met a diplomat or an ambassador or someone new and exciting is because of our budding arrangement.” He said it as if it were nothing, as if you’d just signed yourself into a contract you had yet to realize the full scope of. In his eyes, you might’ve. You were still trying to work out what exactly Diavolo thought your ‘arrangement’ was. “I thought it would be best to give you time. Humans can be such fickle creatures, and not all demons are as understanding as I am. I don’t want you saying the wrong thing to the wrong person while you’re still new to playing host.”

You should’ve known better than to press. You should’ve, but you pushed forward regardless, another singular pair of eyes in another all-but empty portrait working to spur you forward, despite your better judgment. “Still, you’re only a prince. Your father--”

“My father is asleep.” He spoke with the calm, practiced tone of someone who’d used the same excuse one too many times, of a child, scared and alone, trying to convince himself of something he didn’t really believe. “He has been, since the day he decided I was capable of ruling on my own, and while I’d be honored, I doubt he’s going to disturb his slumber to meet my chosen mate. He’s not a factor you should concern yourself with, darling.”

You were beginning to think there was nothing you should concern yourself with, not here, not when Diavolo thought of himself as so honorably, valiantly reliable. You hadn’t thought you’d miss that, about life with the brothers. You were left exhausted more often than not, in over your head with Mammon’s scheme’s or Lucifer’s standards or the twins’ insatiable habits, but at least you’d had enough to do to warrant exhaustion. You never thought you’d long to trip over a cursed book on the floor of Satan’s bedroom or find the door to Leviathan’s room blocked off by a dozen too many boxes, and yet, you found yourself waiting for it, sometimes, listening for an out of place scream, anticipating the next crisis. Diavolo said it was too much strain, for you. He said you shouldn’t be held responsible for a family so unpredictable.

He didn’t think you could handle it, so he sought out a way to handle you.

You bit down on the inside of your cheek. “That sounds lonely.”

There was a slight pause, a hint at a trace of hesitation. The closest thing you’d come to one, during your time with Diavolo. “It was.”

For a moment, neither of you spoke. Taking kind of prolonged stillness was unlike him, but Diavolo managed to redeem himself with a heavy sigh, a shake of his head, an arm wrapped around your waist as he slumped gingerly against you, leaning down as he slotted himself against your back. It was a heavy sort of tenderness, the type a desperate man might seek from a remorseless stone pillar, but your resolve felt a little less solid with every drum of his fingertips, every shaky breath he let echo against the back of your neck. You were the one to speak, though. If only to stop yourself from breaking first. “And that’s why I’m here, right?” You asked, your voice barely above a whisper. “Because you’re lonely?”

You felt him stiffen against you, going rigid at the suggestion alone. “(Y/n), I never--”

“You have other people.” It was more frustration than anger, the sudden awareness that you’d been taken by him, because of him, for him, despite all the luxurious, loving ways he tried to dress it up. “Your father might be gone, but you have options. There’s an academy full of students who’d be happy to find themselves at your side, there’s a kingdom of subjects you could choose from, if you wanted to. Is that why you ran the exchange program? You just didn’t have enough options, you wanted to see what the other realms had to offer. Were you going to kidnap Solomon, if I wasn’t good enough?”

“I wasn’t looking for company,” He countered, his hold becoming a little more secure, growing a little more controlling. It was oppressive, one arm crossed over your stomach and the other over your chest, making it more difficult to inhale as you struggled to keep your breathing even, but somehow, his affection did little to comfort you. If anything, it just made you want to rip yourself away from him more. “When I found you, I wanted you. There’s no one else I’d consider--”

“You have Barbatos,” You went on, letting your hands curl into fists at your sides. “He’s your friend, and you have him, and you shouldn’t need me, too. Even if that wasn’t enough for you, Lucifer’s still there. He looks up to you, he’s loyal to you, if there was anything you needed, he’d go to the ends of the Earth to find it. You have him--”

“I used to have him,” Diavolo hissed, the words nearly muffled against the nape of your neck. “I had him, once, but it seems that someone has caused his attention to stray.”

Your jaw clenched shut, instantly, but you made a point of narrowing your eyes at his reflection. It was a small rebellion, one he barely seemed to notice, but it felt too right for you to really care about whether or not he deserved it. “I’m sorry,” You muttered, frantic irritation fading into mild, blatant displeasure. “I didn’t realize how much you hated it when your toys find other people to play with.”

Diavolo went tense. He went tense, he took in a sharp breath, closed his eyes, and with little more fanfare than that, he relaxed again, as calm and composed and infuriating as he always was.

This time, when his attention returned to your attire, it centered around the ribbon choker around the base of your neck, the fabric as soft as a newborn lamb and as dark as the Devildom would be, in the dead of night. His fingers slipped underneath the strip of material, and for a moment, you thought he’d tear it off completely, but he’d never been that kind.

Rather, he took his time, untying the loose knot and speaking, as he did so. You were beginning to hope he’d talk himself to death.

“Lucifer’s interests align with his heart. He’s smart, and I do value him, but he’s a sentimental creature. He only pledged himself to me because of Lilith, and now that you’ve given him something of Lilith, he’s satisfied. He doesn’t have a need for me, anymore.” The choker was pulled taunt, for a moment, cutting you off halfway through an inhale. It wasn’t suffocating, but Diavolo made no move to let go. “And while Barbatos will always be my closest companion, he is a servant. His loyalty to me is a loyalty to the crown, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he’d put a knife in my back, if he thought it would benefit the realm.”

It took you a moment to respond, your voice coming out weaker than you would’ve liked. “I don’t see what that has to do with me.”

“It’s because I want you to be more than that,” He started, the words nearly a plea. Despite his tenderness and his airy tone, the choker was still biting into your neck, still making it harder and harder to breath. If anything, the task was only growing more difficult, one of your hands unconsciously finding its way to your neck, following the indents where the fabric cut into your skin. “You may choose not to believe me, but I’m not looking for power. I’m not looking for somone I have to chain to my side, if I want them to stay. I want you to love me. I want you to look at me and see someone who you couldn’t picture yourself going on without.” A pause, a ragged exhale. Again, you felt him shake his head, Diavolo leaning forwards just enough to kiss the top of your head. “That’s how I feel about you.”

By now, you were pulling at the choker, prying at it, trying desperately to put a hair’s width of space between your neck and that noose. It was barely a scrap, just a strip of material, and yet in Diavolo’s hands, it became a vice, a chain, a collar attached to a leash just couldn’t stop yanking. You kicked blindly, scrambling to throw your elbow into his stomach or tear at the choker or do something to make it a little easier to breath, but Diavolo only laughed, the sound low, throaty, warm and heavy and fatal.

“I do want you to love me. If nothing else, I want you to care for me. Worry about me, if you have to. I know beggars can’t be choosers in a situation like this.” When he released you, letting the choker fall to the floor and pulling away from you completely, saving your dignity wasn’t an option. You stumbled forward, gasping, choking, trying to cough air into your lungs as you groped at your now-tender skin, reddened bruises already forming a tight ring around your neck. Diavolo watched you passively, letting you stumble forward and brace yourself against the standing mirror. “I want you to love me,” He went on, slowly. There was a step forward, a footfall softened by the slightest trace of reluctance, and Diavolo’s hand came to rest on your shoulder. “But I’ll find a way to live with it, if you have to fear me.”

It was all you could do to close your eyes as you fought to catch your breath, to rest your forehead against the cool, welcoming surface of the mirror. You couldn’t see your reflection, but you didn’t have to - your throat ached, throbbed, and when you forced yourself to give him a reply, it was raspy, as jagged as all the many things you wanted to drive into your kidnapper’s anatomy, at the moment. “I can’t believe I ever felt bad for you.”

Diavolo only grinned, letting you catch the edge of the expression in the corner of his eye as he stepped forward. A firm hand came to rest on the small of your back, but it was fleeting, chaste, as far from comfort as the light, almost unnoticeable kiss he pushed into your temple. “I’ve never been one for pity.”

With that, he stepped away from you completely, leaving you hunched over, your body shaking and your pride stomped so far into the ground, you doubted you’d ever nurse it back to its full health. You should’ve stopped there. You should’ve let him go, given yourself time to recover, and resigned yourself to spending the rest of the day sobbing your eyes out into satin sheets, but there was something burning in your chest, something hot and rough and ruthless, as it urged you to speak, to yell, to scream. You didn’t know if barking after Diavolo like his disloyal mutt would do anything to sate it, but there was a chance that it might, and that was a chance you were willing to chase after like your life depended on it.

“You can’t keep me here.” That was enough for him to pause, to glance over his shoulder as he moved to tell you that he was already doing just that, but you faster than him, this time. “I won’t let you keep me here. I’m going to get out, and once I do, I’m going to put myself so far out of your reach, you’ll be lucky to remember what I look like, by the time I’m done.”

He wasn’t facing you, but he didn’t have to be. You could hear his expression drop, his smugness not disappearing, but dampening. “I’ve told you, (Y/n), the brothers think you’re in the human realm, and the other exchange students have yet to express their concern. There’s nothing Lucifer or his--”

“Fuck Lucifer.” That earned you the slightest flinch, a subtle delay as he finally turned towards you, but you were past the point of patiently waiting for his reaction, for his approval. It was almost sickening, in retrospect, how you’d given him the benefit of the doubt after he’d kidnapped you, after he’d failed to have the decency to show a shred of remorse. He thought you were going to sit pretty and wait to be impressed, and you had to prove to him that you wouldn’t be so spineless. Brothers or no brothers. “I’m not locked in a tower. I’m not helpless. I don’t need to wait around for someone else to save me. I’ll crawl out of here, if I have to. I’ll claw my way out. I don’t care what I have to do, I will get away from you.”

You almost expected him to lash out. You might not blame him after that, but to your relief and your disgust, his composure never faltered. He didn’t raise a hand, did storm out or take you by the hair or do something violent and ugly and expected. It didn’t matter, though. His aggression was repressed, but that didn’t mean it was concealed, not when you could make it out in every clench of his jaw, in the way his head cocked just a little too far to the side. In the stretched, seamless, sadistic smile that soon found its way to his lips, only reassuring you that your new resolve would’ve been necessary, whether or not you were the one to provoke him.

“I’d like to see you try.”

#yandere #yandere love #yandere x reader #yandere x y/n #yandere x you #yandere oneshot #yandere drabble #yandere imagines #yandere scenario #commission #writing commission #yandere commission #yandere prompts #obey me #obey me imagines #obey me: one master to rule them all #yandere obey me #lord diavolo x mc #lord diavolo x reader #diavolo x reader #yandere diavolo #yandere diavolo x reader #yandere fantasy #yandere fanfiction #yanderecore #yancore

[hatboyproject]

This is very long, but it might be of interest to someone, somewhere. I was asked recently about the direction I'm taking this romance in and whether or not I'll be addressing certain disability specific subjects within it. The answer, of course, is yes - I have always planned to do this in one form or another. Whilst no single piece of media can address everything I'd like to say on the subject, and I am working within the bounds of a larger story with its own pacing and focus to consider, there's still room to touch on some of these things.

I'm aware that my interpretations won't always be the same as others'. They are my interpretations, coloured by my experiences and feelings, and ultimately, this is my mod - I'm writing it for everybody who 'wears the ballcap,' so to speak! But, it's my interpretation of this character that I'm trying to share with everyone. Different people "took the helm" (laugh, I'm hilarious!) on writing Jeff across the trilogy, and as time has gone on I've been trying to convince myself that it's okay to have my turn at doing that, too - albeit in a non-professional capacity. So... Let's get into my interpretation of Jeff, where his stuff comes from on my view, and how things went to get him to where we are at the beginning of ME3, where the romance can occur.

A lot of how I interpret him comes from experiences in my own life with my own issues, and with those of my loved ones, some of whom are physically disabled in similar (but not identical) ways to Jeff. Some of this carries an element of catharsis for me.

Mechanically and narratively speaking, what draws me to writing this romance is the contrast between how these two characters are strong. It's this core idea that strength doesn't have only one manifestation in a person. That loving somebody doesn't have to be done only one way, that it can be beautiful and passionate and fulfilling - even if, when it gets physical, the headboard can't exactly be made to shatter with the force of it all. For me, it's also an exercise in insecurity and dealing with feelings of frustrated inadequacy - something that has plagued me my whole life.

Yes, yes, he's fictional - but the only way for me to really get into a character is to think about them as if they're a real being. When I look at Jeff as a person, I see many things... Some very positive, some pretty negative... I try to see him as a complete person with strengths and flaws.

On the surface he is often defensive, dismissive, sarcastic, and emotionally avoidant. But why is that? He is highly skilled, dedicated and capable, and knows it, but at the same time is a person who is constantly overlooked, underestimated, and asked to work thrice as hard to get the same considerations. Even then, his validity is questioned often by almost everyone around him. Over time, combined with the realities of living with his physical condition, this has given him some deep-seated insecurities. He feels the need to brag about his skills because they are, ultimately, the one thing about himself that he is absolutely certain has real worth. He overcompensates for this by abusing rules and technicalities wherever he can, because I think he knows that if he played life by the rules, he'd never have gotten anywhere. It's a stacked deck, so why not hide some aces up his sleeve? When you don't fit in the box provided, you question the value of every box you see.

When a person lives with this long enough, it can get hard to swim against the tide of society's expectations and still remain chipper about it, let alone not internalise some of it. It can cause a person to create a shell constructed out of distrust and untruth.

Living with a disability can really suck sometimes, and the suck is compounded when having to deal with your own frustrations plus those of others. In my personal experience, that happens a lot.

There is a certain sense of alienation that it can create, and it can become a kind of Sword of Damocles. It can be easier to anticipate rejection and others' assumptions, inabilities to understand or relate than to keep reaching out, only to have the same tired conversations about being different. I see a lot of this in him. I understand the chip he has on his shoulder.

I also see an extremely sensitive, empathetic, devoted and boundlessly loving person under all that. In fact, it's because of these things that I think he actively tries to distance himself. At the core of his being, I see Jeff as somebody who loves quickly and completely. I think he sees that as a vulnerability, incompatible with what he's learned he has to do to survive... and also with the machismo thing that comes with being a pilot. I think on some level he's terrified of that about himself, but he also can't help it. Jeff is ride or die. So, he tells himself he doesn't care and never lets anyone in. Any time anyone showed interest, he'd shut them down, alienate them, distance himself, and get in the seat of something that flies.

I think up until now, (ME3) he's seen intimacy both as a thing he longs for, but is also afraid of because of his fundamental knowledge that he is different. He thinks he can't "measure up" to what he sees all around him. He sees romance as something that will lead to his inevitable rejection and being crushed, emotionally - and if he's not careful, physically, too. I think he's embarrassed about that as well. He's very interested where it comes to all that, but the things he likes to watch, he knows he can't do like that. His only experience is second-hand as a voyeur, so some of his perceptions about that are unhealthy for him. I think any kind of attempt by the medical professionals in his life to broach the topic and offer support on, he's angrily changed the subject, or stopped listening to, because of the entire mess above. I think Jeff is kind of a lonely person, and some of it is self-imposed, though the reasons for him thinking it's the right thing to do aren't all within his control.

All this is difficult for him to reconcile with, because he has been desperately in love with his commanding officer since almost the moment s/he met him, but entirely unprepared to face it.

I think at first it was easy for him to dismiss it as a stupid crush. Everyone gets them when cramped up in close quarters in stressful situations and the Commander's magnetism was hard to ignore. But then it became clear that Shepard really hadn't read his file and really hadn't made any assumptions at all about him. S/he just wanted to know him, and as time progressed and that actually bore out, it got hard not to really feel something powerful, even though s/he was the Commander and it wasn't strictly appropriate to think that way. But, then there was that thing about not fitting in the box provided...

I think he agonised over coming to Shepard with it, but ultimately decided it would be selfish with everything they were going through. I think there was a part of him that decided s/he'd never be interested anyway, not when there were other, healthier people to choose from... People who didn't have these hangups or need special accommodations made for them. I think he decided to keep it to himself, for what he felt was both their sakes.

If/When the Commander quietly hooked up with someone else, I think he had a lot of feelings all at once. On the one hand, the person he cared for most was finding some peace in all the craziness. On the other, he wished that particular brand of peace was shared with him. Most of the time there were more important things to worry about, but during downtime, I think it was on his mind a lot.

I think he feels very sheepish about it, but occasionally his jealousy got the better of him and he interrupted Shepard at moments that got too hard to watch on the security cams. He watched the cams around the ship lot, and listened in on all the others a fair bit. I think because he saw himself as being at a remove from most people in a lot of ways, it was easy to justify that to himself. I think he saw it kind of like listening to a podcast or a soap opera or... Nature documentary, almost, or something. He got to know all of them in this way... Parasocially at first, but gradually, socially too. He felt better about trying, because he had this secret edge. Not the greatest stuff he's ever done, but... Complete person. Strengths and flaws.

And then, the unthinkable happened. He couldn't accept that the ship was dying. He was sure he could save it... But when Shepard's hand touched his shoulder, when s/he'd come back for him, he knew it was over. And then, it really was over. Shepard paid the price for his arrogance. The person he wanted to protect the most spun off out into space. The communicator between his mask and that helmet was still in range for long enough that he could hear the choking. For a long time afterward, even hearing people cough made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

The Alliance grounded him. I don't think he even had the capacity to be mad about it. I think that was a hard time for Jeff. I think between being burdened with the knowledge of the Reapers, the loss of Shepard, and the weight of his guilt, he was pretty close to the very, very edge when Cerberus knocked on his door and made him a bunch of promises. Pretty sure those promises had nothing to do with leather seats and everything to do with Project Lazarus. I'm very sure that the promise of Shepard coming back is the reason he even let Cerberus pay for the surgeries he agreed to undergo, because I don't think he valued himself much at all at that point. I'm pretty sure it was being ready to help Shepard that he was thinking about when he was learning to walk on his painful legs without crutches for the very first time. When Cerberus offered him a big shiny reset button I think he took it without hesitation because there wasn't anything else to hope for. I think seeing Shepard in the docking bay galvanised him and without ever telling them so, he pledged his life to them even harder than before. I think he told himself that he would support Shepard in every way he could. He would go wherever, do whatever, and when dealing with him, try to give them what he knew they needed; a goddamn break.

So, fast forward again, and now we are here. With all of this in mind... Shepard might have had a dalliance with someone else, or might've been too damaged by their previous love interest on Horizon, or whatever. Either way, I think Jeff saw it as not his business to even dream about that. I think the guilt tore him up every time he looked at Shepard. I think he felt like on some level, he deserved the pain of unrequited feelings which only ever got more intense. If he didn't think himself worthy of it back then, doubly so now. I think during the six months of house arrest, he tried to visit, but the Alliance denied his every attempt. Then the attack on Earth happened.

And so now we have Jeff, who, just like other humans is confused and groping about for a sense of what's up and what's down. Fortunately for him, Shepard is part of that sense of stability. He's just better at hiding it, because avoiding it and telling himself to focus elsewhere is second nature to him by this point. But things are a little different, now. Shepard seems looking around for a connection too. Future days seem short in number and the rulebook less and less important by the minute. Denying it to himself becomes impossible, and even EDI prods him about it. Shepard won't stop being so goddamn nice to him and even responds with things that if he didn't know better, he could interpret as... But then all the old insecurities come rushing back and he's walking on his own damn eggshells again. Fuck it. It's time to admit it. To come clean. S/he has to know.

So he asks. And s/he accepts. He's equal parts thrilled, stunned and terrified. He's even on some level, suspicious. Is s/he setting him up for a fall? Are they angry about his responsibility? What do they want out of this, actually? He hasn't explained what it'd be like. That what they're doubtlessly expecting of him is unrealistic. That he's completely inexperienced. I think at this point, he's a bit pissed off with himself and feeling a lot of dread because he's pretty sure how this is going to go. He realises he's got so caught up in it that he's done things in the wrong order. Damage control. He has to talk with Shepard and explain what s/he should expect from him, because it will be different. Manage expectations because he's had to manage his own. He goes in steeled.

But s/he knows it will be different, it turns out. As ever, Shepard has made no assumptions whatsoever. S/he only wants to get to know him. Wants him for everything he is, and accepts what he is not. It was never an issue for them beyond understanding how to work with it, because he is worthy just as he is, and has worked hard enough. He has to teach them about his limitations, about underestimating and overestimating... But where there's a will, there's a way. Time for a few shared moments of peace before the end of days, and through all the craziness, something feels right at last. He feels safe enough to let Shepard in properly. Thus begins his reassessment of himself and reckoning with letting go of the insecurities he has that aren't actually his own, but come from outside.

Also he totally gets to sext the Commander now when s/he's on missions. Nice.

So. There's a lot more I could say and expound upon but it's been hours and I have stuff to do. That's my direction. It's not going to suit everyone, and I doubt I can get everything across... But I'll try. I'm just one person, with just one perspective, with just one version of this story. But I hope people like what I come up with surrounding this framework, because I have lived a lot of it myself. Just a few less Reapers in my version. Not everyone's experiences and responses will be the same.

#shoker #shoker mod #hatboyproject #jeff joker moreau #character study #my approach

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

hey :/ i started to realize that i was a trans man around the same time my ex realized he was, too. we came out to each other and he thinks i’m copying him. advice??

Lee says:

We’ve gotten versions of this question from folks on both sides in the past. People have said things like “I came out and then my little sister came out, I think she’s copying my gender/identity and I don’t like it!” and folks who say stuff like “My friend came out and then I came out, and now she thinks I’m copying her gender/identity and I don’t like it!” 

Indeed, it’s common for one person to come out and then another person follows suit! But this doesn't mean that the second person is “faking” their identity and copying the first person because they were jealous of the attention the first person got for coming out.

It’s common for LGBTQ folks to be friends with each other before any of them realize that they’re LGBTQ. Somehow, we just seem to attract each other! And a lot of trans people only start identifying as trans once they learn more about the trans community and spend time interacting with trans people, whether it’s online or IRl, so someone spending time with a trans person and then identifying as trans doesn’t mean that being trans is contagious, or that the person is faking it- it means they just learned more about being trans and realized it fits them too.

Using myself as an example- I had a friend who came out as non-binary, and the next year I came out as non-binary too. I wasn’t “copying” my friend per se. But I wasn’t really aware of being non-binary before that, so them coming out made it something on my radar. It made me realize that being non-binary is something that exists and something that a person can be and choose to identify as.

Seeing them take that path planted that little seed in my mind and eventually (after having folks as me if I was trans) I realized that yeah I’m non-binary too. I came out after they did because they helped me question my own gender which made me realize that I’m also non-binary, so they did influence me in a way, and seeing them come out gave me the courage/inspiration/motivation to come out myself.

Now of course it’s been several years... and I’m still non-binary! And so is my friend! Just because they came out first and I didn’t know I was trans for a while, it didn’t make their gender “realer” than mine is now, or any more valid.

That’s why friends, family members, and partners tend to come out around the same time. The first person comes out, and that makes the second person question their gender because they didn’t know as much about being trans before, and then they come out too. Or maybe both people knew they were trans already, but one person came out which helped lay down the groundwork for the other person to feel comfortable coming out too because they had a better idea of how someone would react. Or both people realized they were trans and came out at the same time independently- that happens too! 

Regardless of how things happened, you both identify as trans and that’s something that needs to be respected. Even if someone was “faking” for some reason and copying someone’s gender, using a different name and pronouns for them until they get tired of it isn’t really going to hurt anyone- and you don’t know if they’re faking, so you should give them the benefit of doubt. Nobody can peer into someone’s head and figure out their gender for them- if someone says that they’re trans, you have to take them at their word because there’s no “Trans Test” that you can take to determine if they’re truly trans. 

You can talk more about why you identify as trans if you want, but you shouldn’t ever feel like you have to “defend” and justify your identity; you don’t need to share more than you feel comfortable sharing. And even if him realizing he was trans had any influence or impact on your realization, it doesn’t mean that you’re copying or any less trans- there’s no shame in that, and it shouldn’t be something you have to hide or pretend isn’t true. 

If you feel like he’s a good friend to you otherwise and you want to invest your emotional energy into trying to maintain a friendship with him, you can tell him you need to have a serious conversation with him and then explain that you genuinely feel that you are a man and you were hurt that he’s accused you of pretending to be trans/faking your gender/copying his gender, and remind him that it’s never okay to misgender you or say something that invalidates your gender identity. 

If he keep saying shitty things after you’ve had a talk with him, then you need to just move on! Stop wasting your time and emotional energy engaging with this guy. Tell him that you can’t be friends with someone who won’t respect your identity and you won’t be spending any more time with him until and unless he changes his behavior.

Then actually do it! Block and unfollow him on social media and block his phone number and delete his contact if you have to. Hang out with different friends instead!

If you have a shared group of friends, make it clear to them that you’re uncomfortable when people misgender and disrespect you. Make sure you tell them what this guy has said to you and how it’s hurt you, then explain that you don’t want them to hold any group get-togethers with this guy because he’s creating a hostile environment for you (or at least tell them not to invite him to events you’ll be at too unless they’re going to take the responsibility of actively calling him out and correcting him).

Personally, I’d advise just blocking/ignoring him and moving on. While some people can be friends with ex-partners, I have the feeling things aren’t going great between the two of you from the connotation of you calling him your “ex” and not your friend. It can be hard to move on (trust me! I know! I never get over things or move on from anything, ever!) but sometimes you have to remind yourself that this person isn’t actually making your life better and you need to take care of yourself and disengage from them.

Breakups and ending relationships/friendships:

How should I end a relationship?

Ending unhealthy relationships

6 steps to ending a toxic relationship with a friend or partner

How to break up gracefully

wikiHow to Break Up

How To Break Up Like a Grown Up

How To Break Up With Somebody In 7 Steps

How To Dump Someone (Like An Actual Adult)

Fire Your Friends: Drop The Negative People In Your Life

6 Ways To Cut A Toxic Friend Out Of Your Life For Good

3 ways to end a toxic friendship

What to do when one of the friends in your friend group is bad to you

After a breakup:

10 Tips on How to Work Through Feelings of Social Isolation

5 ways to beat loneliness

Coping with a relationship breakup

7 phrases to help you get over a breakup

Dealing with a breakup

Help for when a relationship ends

Beyond codependency

It’s okay to be alone

5 things to remember when you still love the emotionally abusive partner you left

5 helpful things when you end a relationship

How the 7 stages of grief apply to breakups

7 ways to cope with post-split stress

How to deal with losing a friend

Letting go of someone who’s not good for you

What if my ex starts outing me as trans?

Followers, any advice for an anon whose ex-partner accuses them of “copying” their gender identity?

Followers say:

lesbean-on-ice said: I don’t really have any advice, but i can really relate to this post. my best friend, who I’ve known since kindergarten, and I started to question our genders around the same time, and we both went through multiple labels to find the right fit for us. she ended up landing on agender, and I thought I was girlflux at the time, but after reading up on the agender label, I realized that was my gender (or lack thereof, lol) as well!

am-anyone said: It can also be gained confidence that causes people to come out at the same time. I knew I was trans and when my friend came out to our friend group it gave me enough confidence to also come out in short succession afterwards. It wasn’t cause of copying but simply I felt less nervous knowing someone had successfully come out already.

#Lee says #faking #copying #trans #friends #Anonymous #transgender #nonbinary #lgbtq #lgbt #transgender teen survival guide #transgenderteensurvivalguide #TTSG

[mbti-notes]

hello, i hope you’re having a good week! for context, i am an enfp

lately i’ve become more aware of my behavior towards myself and others, specifically the behavior that would be considered unhealthy

what i mean specifically is the fact that i’ll say mean things to myself and others, cause unreasonable and irrational arguments and fight people for the same odd reasons

the thing is that, while i do all of these things, i am AWARE that they won’t help reach a solution, and that i should keep them to myself. but even though i’m aware of the truth, i still choose to react the same way again and again, and i don’t know how to stop myself from doing it

it may seem easy to just say “just don’t do it”, but it makes me feel very frustrated, and it all boils underneath until it explodes

is there any way to deal with this that would be effective? thanks!

Being "aware" of the behavior in this way isn't true and useful self-awareness; it's merely observation that anyone with eyes can do. Generally speaking, this behavior is consistent with Te loop problems. You're not asking the right question because all Te loop really wants is a quick fix? If you want a real and lasting remedy, you have to do self-work. You have to go much deeper to discover WHY, what really motivates the behavior. Then you can address the root cause. Read the study guides and past posts to understand tertiary loop, how and why it happens, why ENFPs suffer from Te loop, and how to resolve Te loop with proper Ne and Fi development. It sounds like you would benefit from studying emotional intelligence and communication skills, see the recs on the resources page.

Harming or abusing oneself is an indication of Fi aux development problems. Your relationship to your emotional life is highly dysfunctional, so the ways in which you treat yourself and evaluate yourself are very problematic. And it becomes doubly problematic when you turn this thought pattern onto others and harm them as well. Take a closer look at your self-talk. Why do you talk to yourself that way? Why are you so angry? What do you get from trashing yourself? What do you get from trashing others? Be honest about how this negative behavior actually serves and/or feeds your ego, then you'll have enough self-awareness to address the root of the problem.

#enfp #auxiliary fi #te loop #emotional intelligence #communication #anger #ask