#fuck it ill put it in the tags i just spent like 20 minutes writing all this out lmao

[buddyapologist]

i know hamilton is hashtag problematic but dear theodosia is SUCH A GOOD BRAD AND BUDDY SONG it hurts my fucking heart!!!! i am now going to break it down lyric by lyric bc of hashtag fixation i love them SO MUCH!!!!!!!

starting with buddy as a baby. so a bit different here but i always thought of brad as seeing buddy with lisa's eyes, maybe when he's hallucinating from joy or trauma or close to passing out drunk. her eyes are brown/hazel (sorta OT but i hc buddy as being mixed white and japanese), but sometimes he sees lisa's blue eyes and he's terrified that he'll make the same mistakes his father did or the same mistakes he did as an older brother. last line is self explanatory.

brad and his friends putting time into making their home bigger, getting things to make it easier to take care of a child. probably stealing or scavenging around for things like baby formula, toys, things for her to do since she has to stay inside. brad didn't grow up in a home where he was allowed to have things, so he wants buddy to have everything she can. he loves her. every little thing she does amazes him.

buddy grows up in new olathe, and it's wild, untamed, insane with grief and nihilism and anarchy, the dust is starting to settle and groups are forming, and brad has to deal with raising buddy in a world that he doesn't recognize. they're all learning about it together. and he knows that he would kill anyone as many times as he needs to to keep her safe. he teaches her to fight, teaches her how to kill. he passes his knowledge on to her. he passes his trauma to her, too, he continues the cycle of abuse. but he believes in her. he praises her when her aim is true and she's fast and strong. she impresses him every day. he loves her.

kinda self explanatory, but i fucking LOVE "there is so much more inside me now". brad felt empty, lifeless, worthless, self-hating and guilty for so many years. he finds buddy and suddenly he feels like he has purpose again. this is his second (third, sort of, if you count dustin) chance at being able to take care of someone, and maybe he can do it right this time. he loves her so much and all of these new feelings are so overwhelming. i think one of the reasons why he keeps turning back to drugs and alcohol is because he doesn't know what to do with his feelings, because he doesn't know what love looks like.

brad's father wasn't not around, but he sure wasn't a good fucking father for his kids. brad knows he'll make mistakes. he doesn't fully believe in himself. but he'll do whatever it takes to keep buddy safe. he will kill anyone who comes across her. he will keep her safe no matter the cost. and now, take it further to the events of Painful - as brad crosses the land looking for her, by killing everyone in his path, everyone who could be a threat to her, he believes he's making the world safer for her.

i like to think of this as a fast forward to the end of Painful and into Joyful. in the time buddy's spent outside, things have been brutal. she's been maimed, chased, threatened, probably nearly killed, traumatized not just from her father but from the world around her and all the people who wanted to use her. all the gangs fighting each other, men turning on each other, all bleeding and fighting for her. brad killing most of rando's army for her. the foundation brad laid for her was anger, violence, drug addiction, vengeance, and he's passed that all to her, and she carries it with her into Joyful. she blows them all away, literally, by killing everyone in her path, taking up brad's mantle after he died, finishing what he started.

it's fucking incredible i love it so much i LOVE THEM

#lisa rpg #lisa the rpg #fuck it ill put it in the tags i just spent like 20 minutes writing all this out lmao #god this has all been rolling around in my head for YEARS this is the first time i've written about it #lisaposting #avery.txt

[drawlfoy]

Wonders of Ohio P.9

masterlist

requests are closed, but please read this first :)

if you want to be tagged, send an ask or message me!

pairing: draco x reader

request: nope, my original shameless self insert idea lmao

summary: american high school senior y/n y/l/n is in for the ride of her life when their exchange student is...a bit strange (but very hot). NOT a nonmagic AU, though you already knew that if you’ve read part 8 ;)

warnings: swearing, mentions of a break in, concerns about a home intruder, objectively the most fluffy scene we’ve gotten so far in this series (hehe), draco being fucking obnoxious and moody (did i mention swearing?)

a/n: ayoooooo so here’s part 9, as promised. i’ve started getting back into the hp universe more and more, so i should probably be picking up my writing soon. i’ve been feeling more myself again!! which is super awesome. i don’t think many people read this series anymore (or my author notes in general but i don’t blame yall) but i’m having a lot of fun writing it, so i’m going to keep going :)

music recs: 

puppy princess -- hot freaks

loverboy -- A-wall

linger -- the cranberries

tags tags tags: @gruffle1 @missmulti @cleopatera @hahaboop @accio-rogers @geeksareunique @eltanin-malfoy @war-sword @cams-lynn @itsivyberry @ayo-cowbelly @nerd-domland @yesnerdsblog @shizarianathania @evanstanfanatic @strawberriesonsummer @hariosborn @night-ving @straightzoinked @imintoodeeptostop @naiomimoonshard @jejegu @ophelia-enthusiast @alwaysbeanunknownfan @nearly-memories @litty-dumb @callieclearwater @malfoy-wife15 @charlenasaxen @belladaises @fiantomartell @writeandtranslate @erisdogwood @loveissupernatural @sycathorn-slush @big-galaxy-chaos

word count: 3.8k :)

Y/N couldn’t help but wonder if Draco deliberately waited until the last minute to tell her family that he was leaving so he could evade her questioning. She tried to talk to him later that evening by knocking on his door, but she was met with complete silence. 

Draco was ignoring her, and she didn’t get why. She’d promised to not tell anyone--even begged for him to trust her and essentially swore on her life--but he still wasn’t acting normal. Perhaps he didn’t want her to badger him with questions about the magical world. 

Or maybe this was an excuse to get away from her.

Y/N swallowed the second possibility and locked it away somewhere out of sight. He’d left without a single word more to her (not even a congratulations for getting into a top 20 school, that loser) and never even bothered telling her when he’d return. And maybe that was the nicest part of it--she could pretend like he was never coming back.

As attractive as that option was, she had to admit that there was a Draco-shaped hole in her passenger car seat every time she drove to school. And in the kitchen when she was studying. And everywhere else he’d once touched. 

“Why do you think he went back?” 

Y/N took a break from reviewing her Art History final exam notes to look up at Lizzy. “Maybe something happened with his dad or he wanted to spend his holidays with his family? It’s probably not that serious.”

“Speaking of his dad, I tried to look up his name and see if anything came up,” Lizzy began. Y/N felt her heart jump into her throat. “Don’t you think it’s kinda sus? I haven’t found anything for him. It’s like he’s been completely wiped off the face of the earth. Do you know anything about it?”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s any of my business.” Draco’s franticness when she found out lingered in the back of her mind as she chose her words carefully. “I’m sure if he’s a genuine political target, they’ve just scrubbed the web clean of him, being a minor and all.”

“But don’t you think it’s funny that he’s apparently so important but there’s no evidence of him or his father ever existing?”

“Lizzy.” Her voice was firm. “It’s entirely possible that his real name is different. And either way, it’s not our story to uncover. He’s entitled to his own privacy, and if he doesn’t reveal his true identity then we need to respect that.”

“Oooookaaayyyyy, Mother,” said Lizzy. “You’re so fun. You know that, right?”

“It’s my job.”

After the close brush with Lizzy, Y/N avoided the topic of Draco with her friends like wildfire. At the back of her mind, she registered that that was probably more suspicious, but when Sylvia asked her about him during lunch, she finally spun up a story.

“I told him I liked him,” she told everyone, the words stinging her throat. “He doesn’t feel the same way. I just would feel better if we dropped it.”

Her friends reacted immediately with sympathy, telling her that it wasn’t her fault that he couldn’t see her for what she was worth. Somehow, this made her feel worse. She didn’t even need to tell him her feelings to know his thoughts--he didn’t see her as anything but a “muggle”, or whatever he called them. She never stood a chance.

Y/N spent an embarrassing amount of time wondering how things would’ve been different if she was a witch. She didn’t know anything about his world (apart from the fact that they really had a stick up their asses about people knowing of them) but she somehow craved a place in it. Would Draco feel differently towards her if she was magic? 

It was probably better if she didn’t pay too much mind to it, but she couldn’t let the thought go. Every time she shut her eyes at night, the memory of waking up next to Draco replayed in her head, over and over. She would’ve sold her soul to have gone back to that. Would things have been different if she had just...not found the letters? She was driving herself crazy digging through all her interactions with him. There’s no way she was imagining things, and judging by the surprised reactions of her friends when she told them he didn’t reciprocate feelings, she wasn’t the only one who thought something was there. If he was really so disgusted by her and her people, he wouldn’t have let her sleep in his room, in his bed no less. 

As December wore on, her mind began to be occupied by another feverish stream of thoughts. If she didn’t already feel like she was going crazy over the Draco problem, she was going completely insane over the fact that she was misplacing things like crazy and forgetting the most basic of things. It seemed like it was almost every day that she was forgetting where she put her keys (even though she could’ve sworn she’d hung them up by the door) or getting home to find the door already unlocked even though she was sure that she’d locked it behind her. It would’ve creeped her out, but she was really off kilter. It just wasn’t right having Draco away, and the sense of dread she got every time she went by her room just threw her off balance. What if she still had lingering sickness from whatever magical infliction she suffered? 

He really should’ve stuck around to watch after me. Just in case. 

Another thing was bothering her--a name she saw pop up in the pouch from when she went through his letters. It was a small portion of his collection, and she didn’t even think to examine it until after he took them back from her, but she noticed that the name “Pansy Parkinson” came up more than once as a return address. 

Her mind immediately jumped to the worst--Draco was madly in love with another girl, a magical girl, and traveled back home with the express purpose of declaring his neverending devotion for her and complaining about that rat Ohioan muggle that he had to spend his days with. 

Y/N knew it wasn’t healthy, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t quite shake it. The fact that he’d no doubt grown up around girls that would be suitable for him to date was making her physically ill with jealousy, which was probably the most embarrassing part of her feelings for him. Nevermind how much time she spent fantasizing about how soft his hair felt or how his stupidly pretty fingers would feel grazing her skin--she couldn’t even cope with the idea of him existing with other women that were honestly a better choice to him. 

That Christmas was surprisingly bleak. Being an only child always made for a quiet house during the holidays, but the expectation she held of having Draco there set her up for disappointment. Her house felt empty.

“Do you think he’s coming back?” Y/N asked her mother as they did the morning dishes together. 

“Well, I assume so. Why wouldn’t he? He was scheduled to spend the entire year with us. I think that if he’s changed his mind we would at least know by now.”

“What if he’s still deciding?”

“Why, miss him already?” Mrs. Y/L/N’s tone was teasing, but she felt her cheeks grow hot. 

“Quite the contrary. I’m just wondering if I’m about to become the pampered only child again or if I’m going to need to go back into the unglamorous life of sharing the spotlight.”

“Y/N,” her mother tutted. She’d stopped doing the dishes.

Y/N made a point to evade her knowing look. “Mom.” 

Her mother took a breath before answering. “Nothing. As a matter of fact, I did get a letter from him a few days ago. He’s scheduled to return the second week of January, right before school goes back.”

“Oh,” said Y/N. No matter how hard she tried, there’s no way her relief wasn’t visible.

“How’s that for your Christmas gift, hm?” 

“Mom!”

“Hey! Hey, it was a joke,” Mrs. Y/L/N said, throwing her hands up in a “no can do” sort of gesture. “I know that you’re good friends with him is all. Unless…”

“Mom!” Her cheeks were all shades of red.

“All I’m saying is that he seems to enjoy your company.”

“Stockholm syndrome, I’m telling you.” Her explanation of what that meant was on the tip of her tongue before she stopped herself. There was no reason to--the only person who would need that explained to them was no longer on the same continent as her. 

“Whatever you’d like to think.”

~ 

The snowstorm hit them without warning, two days after Christmas. Her parents had left for the night to attend a charity auction, but unfortunately for Y/N, by the time that they realized that their daughter would be snowed in, the roads were too dangerous to drive on. Y/N begrudgingly agreed to do all of the things they told her to--get the generator ready, make sure the fireplace was prepared, and locate all the candles in the house. 

On any normal day, she wouldn’t have been concerned in the slightest, but she’d felt uneasy in her house ever since the night of the break-in, and now that this was the first night she’d have to spend alone, her heart was pounding at the thought of having to sleep in an empty house. Especially if the power was out. Especially when whoever broke in was still on the loose. 

She locked up at dusk, making sure that every entry to her home was completely sealed shut. The generator was in the basement, all set up in the case that the lights went out. She’d located all the bottled water in her house in case the pipes froze, and she finally retired to her room to relax. 

The sense of dread that hovered around Draco’s room was gone, thankfully. The overall feeling of creepiness was just beginning to lose its jarring sting, but she’d never quite been able to shake how many things she misplaced in the beginning of the month. 

She busied herself with mundane activities--she cleaned out her closet, organized her drawers, read, changed her sheets, and finished the last of her homework--but nothing could distract her from the gnawing inside of her. The hairs on the back of her neck constantly stood up, even when she was tucked away in the corner of her room, nestled into her blankets. The tingling was akin to what she felt when she walked into that antique shop on homecoming night--the same night when Draco helped her off her feet and narrowly kept her from throwing up all over Heather.

Looking back on it, she realized that when he grabbed her wrist, he must’ve done something to quell her nausea, something magical. There was no way her carsickness could’ve been able to disappear so quickly. 

Her soliloquy was interrupted by what sounded like footsteps outside. Before she could assess the situation and decide what she was going to do, a boom sounded off in the distance and she was all of a sudden bathed in darkness.

Y/N froze.

Someone was most definitely outside her house, but thankfully she’d locked all the doors. And, thankfully, the boom told her that her fuse box hadn’t been messed with. A tree had probably just fallen on a transformer. 

But those small comforts still didn’t change the fact that she was no longer alone--and not only that, but no longer alone without power. 

Her thoughts were interrupted once again by banging on her front door. Y/N jumped, just barely managing to clap her hand over her mouth to muffle her shriek. She’d seen enough horror movies to know that alerting someone that you were home wasn’t the smartest move. She’d have to be strategic. 

Heart pounding out of her chest, she crept out of her room and down the stairs. The power outage was quite lucky, she realized, as whoever was outside couldn’t see in. The moon only cast a slight light as it reflected off of the snow, so she was going to be able to see the person outside before they would see her.

She squinted from her perch by the base of the staircase. She could make out a silhouette, a tall and lanky one. The weak moonlight reflected off a very light head of hair, and Y/N was struck with a feeling of familiarity.

No way...

Y/N stood frozen for a few seconds as she heard the person knock on the door again. A muffled version of a familiar British voice said, “Is anyone there?”

Throwing all caution to the wind and praying to any higher power that was listening to her that her suspicion was correct, she pushed down on the doorknob and swung it open.

Her heart stopped. 

“Draco? What are you--”

Before she could get another word out of her mouth, she was pulled into the tightest (and snowiest) hug of her life. One of his arms wrapped solidly around her waist, the other reaching further up to her shoulders to hold her closer. He was tall enough in comparison that he could rest his chin on the top of her head while she cautiously clasped her hands around him, breathing in the same soft pine scent that she knew so well.

When he finally let go of her, she noticed that his face was decidedly less pale than what it had been when she first opened the door. At a loss for words, Y/N just made her way behind him and shut the door to keep the storm from blowing any more snowflakes in. She noted that Draco was shaking.

“You’re okay,” he said, his voice low and quiet.

She grinned. “Yeah. Believe it or not, I’m not that scared of the dark.”

He didn’t look nearly as amused, wringing his hands out in front of him instead of meeting her eyes.

“You’re going to freeze to death if you’re gonna just stand there in soaking clothes,” she chided. “And what are you doing back half a month early? I know you must’ve missed me, but I didn’t expect you to miss me THAT much.”

He rolled his eyes, bringing Y/N the comfort that the sarcastic asshole was still in there. “We need to talk.”

“No, what you need to do is get changed into dry clothes,” she said. “Not sure if you’ve noticed, but until we get our generator working, there’s no heat...and I’m not sure if the Ministry is going to like it if I let you die on my watch.”

Even though he didn’t normally laugh at her jokes, he seemed especially solemn when she said this. It became very clear to her then that he regretted his brief display of affection.

“What are you doing, just standing here? Shoo! I don’t want to see you dripping snow all over the rug.” She waved him off until he made his way up the stairs, still eerily silent. 

Once she was sure he was actually getting dressed, she made her way to the kitchen where she started heating up the water. She’d never been more thankful for the fact that they had a gas stove instead of an electric one. 

The tea was almost finished brewing by the time that Draco was back downstairs, perched awkwardly on the couch. She’d never seen his sweater before--it was in a rich forest green with a silver crest of a snake. 

“Are you going to tell me whatever is going on? I’ve never seen you like this before,” asked Y/N as she handed him the mug that she knew to be his favorite.

He took a sip and waited a bit before responding. “I found out some things while I was away.”

“Is that it? Must’ve been something pretty interesting for you to come in here and act like I’m your long lost love or whatever.” She took careful note of how his cheeks were especially pink, but it must’ve been because of the cold.

“I shouldn’t tell you everything, but I think you should probably know the gist of things,” he began. “First of all, I figured out why I couldn’t use the Obliviation cube on you. Also, you have to consent to an Unbreakable Vow.”

“A...what? Care to elaborate? Like, at least a little? Why didn’t it work on me?”

He sighed, a sharp breath of air that left his lungs in a huff. “Because you stumbled upon a very important box that can bestow the gift of magic onto anyone. And since you did something in your dream to try and open it, it permanently took root in you. I tried to reverse it, but there’s always going to be an imprint of magic on you.”

“Sick. So I’m a witch now? Like you?”

“No.” His tone was sour. “No, you’re not. For that to work, there needs to be a ritual actually completed by someone magical. That’s why you got so sick--because you would’ve needed me to help you through your dream sequence and open up the box. So, now that you’ve essentially pushed yourself into the magical world uninvited, I can’t use anything on you that’s catered towards Muggles.”

“Rats,” said Y/N. “That’s no fun. What about the whole part about my safety? And what’s that vow thing?”

“Apparently someone really, really wants that box,” Draco told her. “It doesn’t just give muggles the gift of magic--it can also give current wizards powers that are otherwise completely unavailable to the rest of the population. In the wrong hands, they could wreak havoc on the world. And I’m almost positive they think you have it.”

“Oh…” Everything started falling into place. “So, the break in? That probably was them right? And, uh, let’s say if you feel like maybe someone has been in your house while you’ve been gone? Like, that’s something I should be worried about, right?” 

“Is that happening to you?” His face looked significantly more pale.

Y/N was tempted to tell him no--just to ease his nerves--but something in his look told her that she needed to be truthful. “Um, kind of. You know how I can be forgetful, though. It’s just little things, like sometimes I come home to find that the front door is unlocked when I’m sure I locked it, or I can’t find little things like my car keys and my phone, but it’s all easily explained.”

“I never should’ve left,” he said, tucked his knees up to his chest. “I should’ve known that that was Merlin’s Box.” He swallowed, meeting her eyes with a gaze that looked so forlorn that her heart ached. “I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, all we have to do is tell them I don’t have the box, right? And then they’ll leave me alone.” 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I assume so, but if they didn’t find the box when they originally ransacked your room and they’re still hanging around, I don’t know what to do. That’s why I can’t obliviate you, the proper way that we use on wizards, because I can’t always be there to save you. Once I’m gone, you’re going to have to manage on your own.”

“Please, Draco,” said Y/N. “People will always talk a big game, but once I pull out my pepper spray it’s over. I can take care of myself! I didn’t need protection while you’re away.”

He smiled then, a small one that seemed more sad than anything. “You sound like me. When I was younger.”

“You probably don’t even know what pepper spray is. What’s that vow thing?”

“You have to promise that you won’t say anything that would reveal what you know about me and my world,” said Draco. “I need to find a wizard to say the incantations, but it shouldn’t be too hard. I ended up telling the Ministry what happened--I’m not going to get sent away as they have a clear record of me at least attempting to wipe your memory and they agree that you need to be able to protect yourself. Unbreakable Vows are just really intense promises. If you break it, you die.”

“Is that your way of saying you don’t really trust my word?”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s required by the Ministry. If you don’t comply, then you’re going to be completely obliviated and then you can have as much fun as you’d like trying to run from whoever that criminal is without even knowing why they’re after you. Oh, and without me.” 

“Then why are you even offering the vow? Don’t you want to go home?”

Draco took a long drink from his mug. “I still have a sentence to carry out. If I go back home, I’ll get sent to the same prison that my father is being held at right now.”

“A...sentence?” Y/N stared at him. “I know you mentioned a punishment, but a sentence?”

He remained silent and refused to meet her eyes.

“Draco, what exactly did you have to do?”

“It’s none of your business,” he snapped. The sudden switch of tone made Y/N start, but he was unwavering in his scowl. “I’d prefer to not think about it.”

“But...Draco…” Y/N cast her gaze to the ground so she didn’t have to see the no doubt furious look in his eyes when she continued to push. “How bad? Do you think that maybe whoever is after me might know that I don’t have the box anymore? And that they might be trying to seek revenge against you for whatever it was that you did instead?”

He didn’t respond.

“Think about it. That would explain why I was untouched this whole time that you were away when they were still keeping tabs on me.”

With a pronounced bonk, he set his mug down on the coffee table. “I’m going to bed.”

She managed to get one more look at his face before he spun around to head up the stairs and was shocked to see what was etched into his face--anger, yes, frustration...and also shame. Unmistakable shame.

final a/n: weeoooooooo i’m like 3 minutes early...this is a monumental moment for my blog. let me know what you guys think (if there’s still people sticking with this series fjkds;al). i am going to go back into my hole and work on some math hw (wonders of ohio y/n vibes...i have low key become her trying to roleplay as a stem girl). the plot is going to thicken and hopefully there will be more fluff soon. i honestly didn’t want to add the hug bc i do want this to be slow burn but it has come to my attention that this is now about 30k words long and i haven’t given y’all so much as an inkling that draco has feelings/anything will happen between them so i gotta give you something to hold you over fjdska;

#draco x reader #draco imagine #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy imagine #draco x you #draco malfoy x you #draco x oc #draco malfoy x oc #draco malfoy #draco #dracotok #draco x y/n #draco malfoy x y/n

[halcyonstorm]

The Girl at the Library Chapter 1

Short Fic - Levihan

Themes: College AU, Library, Fluff, Slow Burn, Falling in Love, Female Hange Zoe, Student!Levi

Word Count: 5730

Chapter: 1/3

Warning: Mild Language

Read on Ao3 - The Girl at the Library

Summary: Levi is a college student who needs help on his research paper. Luckily, Hange is a book worm and works at the library. 

Levi was stressed and annoyed, mainly because he was in college. Of course with college comes infinite amounts of homework assignments, 100-question exams with astronomical amounts of topics on them, unnecessary research papers, and staying in a dorm room with a kid that happens to have no problem inviting his friends over every night to hang out and party with no regards to his sullen roommate.

Levi had a paper coming up. He had to come up with a topic, find sources, and finish his paper by the end of the semester. With three weeks left to go, he decided he’d rather get it over with. He began his brainstorming in the study lounge at the center of his dormitory floor. He was starting to stress. He sat on the big yellow leather couch in the way-too-bright study lounge with his laptop in his lap. He tapped his pen against his head as he tried to think of an idea. 

“You have to write about a topic related to your major,” The professor explained. “This is the one and only paper you will have assigned this semester. I suggest you get it done as early as possible.”

If only it were that easy. He had the rubric pulled up in one tab, and a ton of “How to pick a research topic” websites in others. His major was pharmaceuticals, a field he was inspired to take on because of his mother. She was very ill when he was very young, so they were in and out of hospitals. He was sitting on the edge of his mother’s hospital bed when a nurse came in the room to administer her medications. 

“This is…” His memory was blurry. “This medication will help… and make you feel better.” And it did. 9 year old Levi was fascinated. This one little pill or bag of what looked like water helped his mother feel better. Within hours, his mother’s skin went from pallor to beige. Her hands were warmer. She looked more awake, more alive. She didn’t wince at Levi’s touch. She was in less pain. She got better, like the nurse predicted.

Since then, Levi always asked questions whenever they visited the hospitals again and again. “What kind of drug is that?” “What does it do?” “How long does it take to take effect?”

Levi recalled the memory with a deep sigh. He missed his mother. She was at home, not too far away. Levi never had the time to travel the hour through the big city to visit her. When he did have free time, he spent it studying or sleeping. He felt his heart twinge at this. She had sacrificed everything to help him attend college and to give him a good life.

Now with his head cloudy, he went to reach his water bottle in his backpack. He opened the lid and took a sip. At that moment, he could hear some obnoxiously loud students throwing tennis balls back and forth to each other. He recognized these kids too, they were some (of many) of the lovely visitors his roommate had over most nights. Suddenly in the blink of an eye, Levi’s water bottle spilled all over his laptop, a tennis ball on the floor next to him, and some worried voices approaching him. Within seconds, the laptop started to steam and the screen went black.

His laptop was fried, he determined. He felt heat start to rise inside of him. 

“Oh my god, man. I am so sorry,” One of the kids said, trying to hold back a laugh. 

“Yeah, man. We didn’t mean to.”

Levi took a deep breath and stood up. These kids… were gonna pay.

He closed his broken laptop and stood up. These kids were much taller than him, but looked to be easily intimidated by Levi’s presence. 

“Do you have the money to pay for this?” He sneered, getting very close to their faces. 

“Eh… no, but we have jobs! We can pay you back over time,” One of the kids trailed off. They seemed to be intimidated by the short man. “You live in 112 right?”

Levi nodded, his face heating up with anger. “This laptop cost me a lot of money.”

“We get it, man! We said we’re sorry,” the other kid explained. “We’ll pay you back or whatever.”

“Tch,” Levi clicked. He was extremely pissed. These kids should not be throwing balls at each other in the hallway. Also, they spilled his water which made a mess. “Which room are you both in?” They responded with 118. The one kid explained they get paid on the 15th and 30th of each month. Luckily, their pay day was 4 days away.

“I’ll stop by Tuesday, the 16th,” Levi decided, before gathering his things and heading to the stairs. He began to walk through the campus. Fuck, now where was he gonna go? How was he gonna find his topics? His computer was fucked. Putting it in rice wouldn’t have helped. He was so occupied having a debate with himself about where to research, he almost missed it. If he looked the other way or even blinked in that moment, he wouldn’t have seen it. It was the campus library. No, not the campus library, but a campus library. It blended into the surroundings, hidden from the passerbyers. There was a sign in the window “We’re Open!”. 

The library was small, to say the least. It was old fashioned, which contrasted the modern aesthetic of the university. It was a small, dark brown, wooden building with four-pane windows. The door was a lighter shade of brown. He decided it was easier to check out this little library instead of walking another 10 minutes to get to the main library. He didn’t have time to waste. He had to get started with his paper right away. He walked up to the door and opened it. When he did, a little bell rang at the doorway. 

“Just a minute!” A woman’s voice called from the back. Levi decided to wander around. There were many books crammed on the shelves. There were two computers on each side when he walked in. They looked out of place, considering they were very modern compared to the architecture of the library itself. The books were all shades of bright, vibrant colors. It was strange. From the outside, it seemed creepy and gloomy. Once he walked in, it was very cozy. The dark walls of the library contrasted the beautiful colors of the books.

Then, he saw the woman come out. She came up to the desk. He expected an elderly lady with her glasses on a chain, but he assumed this woman was a student. She was a young woman who wore thin oval glasses and her brown hair thrown up in a messy half-up-half-down ponytail. 

“Hi!” The woman said. “How can I help you?”

“I want to use a computer, please,” He announced. He glanced at her nametag which hung like a necklace around her neck. “Hange” was the name on the tag. It was strange and unordinary, but it had a nice ring to it. The name seemed to suit her.

“Sure! You are allowed up to two hours a day,” Hange explains. “You can choose whichever computer you’d like.”

The computers were unoccupied. In fact, the entire library seemed vacant except for him and the employee. 

“Does anyone actually come here?” Levi asked, setting his stuff down next to a desk, and looking her way. She looked like someone who would work at a library. 

The brunette chuckled. “You are my third visitor today!” She exclaimed proudly. It was already about 3pm. He remembered the sign in the front says “12pm-6pm weekdays”. 

Levi chuckled silently, air huffed out his nose. “How do you stay in business?”

“Well, the university thinks it’s good to have a small library in the outskirts of the campus so students have access to books and computers because the main campus library is in the center of the plaza. Sometimes we get about ten people a day, and sometimes they don’t even take anything out. Sometimes I wonder how…” She began to ramble now. She definitely has not had anyone else visit her today.

She was starting to get on his nerves. It’s been 20 minutes since he arrived, and she was still talking. He zoned out until she caught his attention.

“Hey,” She said. “What’s your name? I have to track whoever comes in to use the computers.” 

Why? No one else comes in. He noticed her clipboard with the sign-ins was blank.

“Levi Ackerman,” He announced. She scribbled his name down. “Okay, it’s 3:30 now, so you have till 5:30 if needed.” She pointed to the clock with her pen as she explained. He nodded and proceeded to walk towards the table with the computer he claimed. He sat down and began working.

-

He was an hour into his research when he finally threw his hands up in the air in frustration. He still couldn’t think of a topic. He groaned aloud.

Hange was leaning against the main desk, her nose stuck in a book. “How Trees Communicate” was the title. When she heard the young man groan, she looked up. 

“Is everything okay?” She asked, peering over her book at him.

“Yeah, yeah,” He mumbled. “Fine…”

Hange raised an eyebrow. She placed her bookmark at her spot, then strolled around the desk and walked over to him.

“What are you working on?” She asked, sitting in the seat next to him and put her hands on her knees, looking at him curiously. He scoffs. It was none of her business, he thought to himself. And it’s an invasion of privacy.

He was frustrated and desperate. Hoping for a miracle, he managed to tell her anyways.

 “I need a topic for my paper and I can’t think of any…” Levi began. “It needs to be based on pharmaceuticals, my major. It also needs scientific evidence to back up my research…”

She was fully absorbed in what he had to say. She was bored, so helping Levi would’ve been something to do at least. Besides, Levi was in luck. She was an avid reader, always reading about anything and everything. She was studying plants and botanicals, but she found herself frequently taking out books about cooking; religion; war; animals; and medical topics including surgery, pathophysiology, anatomy, and pharmaceuticals.

“What about how diuretics affect blood pressure?” Hange suggested. Levi was taken aback. His eyebrows furrowed, and he shook his head in confusion. “Or if anti-alzheimer drugs actually help slow the progression of Alzheimer’s? Why do you take different medications during certain stages of Alzheimer’s disease? Or how do anti-seizure medications work? That is something I ask myself all the time. You take this little pill and BOOM! You’ll be fine, no seizure! Oh, oh, oh! Or, how certain medications cause certain adverse effects? How come so many medications cause anxiety?” Her eyes started to light up as she talked. They were a dark brown, but when she started to talk, they seemed to morph to a captivating hazel. He felt he could see every color in her eyes. He saw brown and green and the little lines of her iris. Hange’s hands would move as she talked, and her smile grew wide. She couldn’t keep still. She was getting excited by coming up with all these ideas. She seemed so passionate and so willing to help; he was overwhelmed by her.

Levi was in shock. His day started off horrible. Now, he was almost glad his laptop was fucked. This woman was making his mind race with ideas. 

“Are you okay?” Hange asked for the second time within his visit there. Levi nodded slowly. “I am just… How do you know all that? Are you a med student?”

Hange chuckled and waved her hand at him. “No… I am a bookworm! Also, my mom is a nurse, so she used to teach me about nursing stuff all the time. Oh! You could write about the pathophysiology of anticholinergics! Or beta blockers! Or how the body reacts to the use of long-term steroids?”

Levi took a deep breath. He felt euphoric. He had been casually trying to think of topics since last week. All of a sudden, this woman can just ramble off hundreds of ideas? Levi smiled visibly.

“Actually… I really like the final topic you suggested. About steroids.” Levi admitted.

Hange smiled back at him. “Great! I can try to help you find some sources or books.” She directed him to open a new tab and to go to a certain database. “This is where you can find reliable sources. Over here,” She pointed to his screen at the left side. “You can add filters. You can change how old or new you’d like the sources to be, filter out certain words or phrases, et cetera.” She had been closer to him now; she scooted her chair closer so she could explain the database to him. It was hard not to look at her as she explained. She was captivating.

Levi began to type in words for his topic.

“Steroids”, “Long-term use”, “Cushing’s Disease”, “Addison’s Disease”, “Addisonian Crisis”, “Pathophysiology”.

He felt like he was finally getting somewhere. He was finally making progress.

-

As Levi was walking home, he couldn’t get his mind off that girl. He decided to brainstorm about his topic in his room once he got there. The thing was, though, he couldn’t think of any more ideas. He found it funny. Of course he was full of ideas and inspiration when he visited that library, but now he’s void of any.

-

Levi’s weekends were no different than the weekdays. He made it appoint to visit the library again the next day, Saturday. It was a sunny, cool Saturday morning. Levi had inspiration to write. He needed a computer and Hange’s ideas. When he arrived, it seemed busy. There were three other patrons at the library.  He recognized Hange right away, helping a tall blonde man with a big nose. He wondered if she was the only employee there. The man she was helping was taller than her, so she had to reach up on her toes to point to items. She was an average height, but this action made her seem shorter than she actually was.

Hange looked his way and greeted him with a toothy smile. Levi waved at her and started to head down one of the aisles of books. He was in the nonfiction section, but was lost. For now, he just casually browsed the section, but quickly got impatient. He needed Hange’s help to find books for this paper. He heard her laugh with the patron. Maybe he’s a friend, he thought to himself. Her laugh was airy and full of heart. It seemed genuine and passionate. Levi felt an urge to make her laugh, too.

She finally made her way over to him. Levi was looking down at a book when she caught his eye. “Hey, stranger!” She greeted him with a wave. “Whatcha looking for?” She placed her hands on her hips.

“I’m trying to find some sources for my paper. Steroids is the topic,” Levi explained.

“Oh, right. I remember! After you left last night, I tried to look for some books for your topic,” She said. She was trying to help me? Levi thought to himself.

She curled her finger in a “follow me” gesture and he did. She brought him to another aisle or two over from where they were. “These are the 600’s, where you’ll most likely find what you’re looking for. I found a book or two about Addison’s disease, but it’s more of a memoir. You can look around though if you’d like. Anything in the 610’s should be right up your alley.” She explained as if she was going to leave, but she didn’t. Hange looked for books with him. 

After a moment, she made a noise. “Look at this!” She exclaimed. She reached next to him to reach for a book. She was on her toes again. “Mmmm,” She moaned as she tried to reach. “Actually, I’m gonna get the step stool. I don’t think I can reach it.” Quickly, she left and came back with the stool. It looked unreliable, but Levi was sure he’d be able to prevent any accident from occurring. Hange placed it on the ground and stepped up on it, grabbing the book with ease. She stepped down with the book in her hand. This book had a white cover with a blue label and was titled “Coping with Prednisone”. Levi was surprised she even knew what prednisone was. 

“Here!” She reached it out for him to grab. He took it and looked at her face. She had that same look in her eyes. “Did you want to use the computer?” He nodded and she led him towards the front of the library. The library was small from the outside, but very deep inside. It reminded him of a forest. 

“I got your name, don’t worry,” She said, clicking her pen and writing his name down on the sheet. 

“Oops!” Hange made a quick grimace. “I added an ‘e’ at the end. I’ll just cross it out.” The statement sounded like it was addressed to herself rather than to anyone else. She crossed out the extra letter.

“Ackermane”. Levi was gonna attempt to make her laugh.

“If you thought I looked like a horse you could’ve just said so.” 

Mane, horse mane. Get it?

It felt like forever before Hange responded. She looked up at him, starting to laugh. It was a short but audible laugh. Her head nodded back and she smiled. Her cheeks turned pink and her eyes lit up for a moment. It made his heart skip a beat. It was a bad joke yet she still laughed. She chuckled. Giggled? No. Laughed lightly. Chortled? Maybe that’s the right word. Whatever it was, he wanted to do it more, maybe even more than that.

He followed her to the computers. The blonde guy she was helping earlier was on one computer. She led him to the two computers across from the other ones and sat down in the chair next to him.

“What are you doing?” Levi asked, placing the book she found for him on the table.

Her eyebrows raised, and after a moment she reacted. She waved her hands in front of her.

“I’m sorry! I thought you may have needed help. I should get back to work anyway. I gotta go through a new box of books that just came in.”

Levi looked up at her. Is she blushing? he asked himself.

“I’ll let you know if I need help.” Levi responded. She smiled at him before quickly walking away.

-

He started to find some evidence-based practice articles about how steroids can cause long-term side effects, especially if stopped abruptly. He made sure to keep the tabs available. He’d have to cite them later. Levi’s mind was racing with words and sentences and ideas. He had to get them down on paper. He opened Documents on the computer and started typing away.

The clicking of the keyboard soothed him. He was a pretty fast typer, he didn’t make many mistakes either. The library around him began to become quiet as his typing got louder and he got deeper in thought. Before he knew it, his two hours were up. He felt someone approach him from his right.

“Hey,” Hange said, gently tapping the table next to him. “It’s 2pm. I gotta close up.”

Levi snapped out of his focused trance with a quick head shake. “Right. Sorry.” He pulled out a flash drive from his backpack and plugged it into the computer. He transferred his document. “I got the first page done.”

Levi asked himself for a brief moment why he was sharing this information with someone he just met. Maybe since she helped him, he felt she should know.

“That’s great! It seemed like you were really focused,” Hange said, walking away to shut off some lights. Only then did he notice the white noise of the overhead lights quickly dissipate. The room buzzed with silence now. Levi and Hange were alone in the library. Suddenly, Levi felt nervous. He watched Hange walk around the room frantically, making sure to shut off all the lights and computers. She grabbed a bag. The bag was a fabric material with a patchwork design that had a long strap that hung on on her shoulder. Maybe she made it herself. She grabbed her big mess of keys and walked towards him.

“Ready?” She said. He nodded and walked outside, holding the door for her. She thanked him, locking the door behind her. They began to walk down the street slowly. 

“Want to grab lunch?” Hange asked, looking at him. Levi looked back at her. She looked pretty.

“Sure, I can eat.” Hange chuckled at that. He didn’t try, but it made her happy for a brief moment. He seemed nervous but she was too.

They decided to eat at a cute restaurant on campus called “Life in Paradis”. It was a small, dainty place with a green and yellow checkered awning. The building was made of yellow brick, and the door was bright green. There were flower pots outside on the windowsill. Again, this place seemed totally out of place in the modern aesthetic of the university. 

“This place is adorable!” Hange exclaimed. “I love the food here. You’ll love it too. They have all kinds of food here.” Levi felt a smile grow on his face. The way she talked made his heart flutter. She was always so passionate. They entered and got a table for two. This is not a date, Levi kept telling himself. Then why were his cheeks red?

They sat down and looked through a menu. Levi wasn’t extremely hungry even though he hadn’t had anything but tea this morning. He peered over his menu to look at the girl. Her hair was different today, he determined. Today all her hair was in a ponytail, and it was higher on her head. She wore a light yellow button-down with a long, light blue cardigan. Hange caught him staring at her and blushed.

“What would you two like to order?” The waitress asked him first.

“I’m gonna get a sandwich, I think,” He said, crossing his arms across his chest. “Turkey sub.” “I think I’m gonna get a chicken caesar salad,” Hange said. He nodded, grabbed the menus, and walked away.

Hange began to talk about how beautiful the flowers outside the restaurant were. They were all variants of pink, purple, yellow, and red. She described the petals and the leaves, the flowers’ origins, and all the meanings of the flowers. Levi wasn’t annoyed by her tangent this time. He actively listened to this girl talk about what fascinated her so much. He found it soothing. It made him wonder how her brain can contain all the information she was spewing at him. He enjoyed watching the way her eyes lit up when she talked. The beautiful green that blossomed at the bottom of her irises when the light hit her eyes at the right angle. The way her lips curled into a big smile when she talked to him. Her cheeks flush to a light pink when she describes the petals of the flowers or how flowers were used to express feelings when words cannot. It made his heart race. 

“Levi,” Hange said. Her affect was the opposite of earlier when she was rambling. She wore a frown on her face, feeling guilty.“I’ve been rambling… sorry. It’s such a bad habit of mine. I can talk for hours and hours.”

“Don’t apologize, four-eyes,” Levi replied, leaning his elbows and forearms on the table in a crossed position. Hange smiled at him. Levi meant it. She shouldn’t apologize for talking, especially if it’s about something she loves. The food had arrived at the table. They ate. Levi felt the need to open up to her about something. He already learned so much about her, and her presence made him feel like he can open up. 

“I like to run,” Levi said abruptly. Hange looked at him intently, chewing on a forkful of salad. “I don’t do it competitively or anything, but I enjoy running. I try to run once or twice a day.” Hange’s eyebrows raised and she nodded in agreement.

“That’s awesome!” She smiled again at him. “I like to run too. I’m really slow and get tired easily, but I enjoy feeling the wind in my hair and feeling my heart pound.” She took a bite of her meal again. Levi nodded and began to eat too. This sandwich was really good.

-

After talking some more about hobbies and school, they both finished their meal. The waiter brought over the check. Hange reached into her pocket for her wallet.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Levi asked. Hange furrowed her brows.

“I invited you out to lunch. I will pay,” Hange determined, her wallet now in her hands.

“No,” Levi said too quickly. “I will pay. It’s the least I can do. You helped me with my paper after all.”

The bickering lasted a very long minute. Before she got to think of the idea, Levi grabbed the checkbook and shoved his card inside before handing it to the waiter. Hange looked surprised. She sighed, putting her wallet away.

“Thank you, Levi. But you really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.”

In all honesty, Hange didn’t have much money. She worked at that library four times a week, but the money she made went towards paying off her tuition. She really wanted to treat this man, her new friend. She wasn’t sure if he thought the same way about her. Did he consider her his friend? She felt slightly embarrassed. She did most of the talking and felt like she was annoying him. Maybe he just wanted to pay so she would lay off. 

But the truth is, Levi felt the opposite way of how she was thinking. He was interested to hear more from her. He was addicted to the way his heart raced when he saw her. 

-

Over the next couple of days, Levi would go to that library whenever he was available. He knew it was closed on Sunday, so he went Monday and Tuesday to the library. Fortunately, he got his first batch of money from the brats that fried his computer. He received $100. Of course it was not enough, but it was a start. Wednesday the 17th came around. This specific day was a wild card. The weather was unpredictable. Levi entered the library just in time; it had started to downpour. The little bell rang as he entered the library. To his surprise, Hange was not working that day. There was a boy behind the counter who was tall and had a brown bowl cut hairstyle.  He almost thought about turning around and leaving when he realized she wasn’t there. The rain charged towards the earth viciously, so he decided to seek shelter in the small library. It almost looked like a hurricane. He felt his mood change into a bad one. He didn’t remember to ask how often she worked. 

“Hi there!” The man said. His name tag read “Moblit”. That’s a dumb name.

“I wanna use a computer,” Levi muttered, walking up to the main desk.

“Okay. Name?” Moblit grabbed the clipboard and a pen.

“Levi Ackerman.”

“Oh, I see you’ve been here before. A lot, actually.” Levi scoffed and rolled his eyes at his comment. He turned around, picked a computer, and sat down. He felt really stupid to not ask her about her schedule.

The two hours he spent working on his paper was incredibly slow. He didn’t get much done that day. He had writer’s block. He was almost done, so he didn’t worry about it too much. He didn’t know Hange’s schedule. He knew she worked Friday, the day they met; Saturday; Monday, and Tuesday. Maybe she only worked four times a week? Before he knew it, he asked Moblit aloud. It was almost an accident.

“Uh, she’ll be in on Friday,” Moblit replied. He probably couldn’t give out that information to some creep who began visiting daily with an attitude. He muttered a “thanks” before finishing up and heading out. The weather was holding up for now, so he decided to make a run for it. He didn’t say goodbye to Moblit.

He didn’t have an umbrella. The sun was trying to shine through the dark, eerie clouds. It wasn’t trying hard enough. He heard thunder rumbling in the distance.

Levi realized that this girl was all he thought about the past few days. Something about her enticed him. Something about her eyes and her presence drew him towards her. His heart skipped a beat whenever she’d graze his hand on accident, or even when she just talked to him. She made him happy. He hadn’t had too many friends in college. Although they just met last week, he felt a deep connection with her. 

Suddenly, the sun poked through the clouds for a brief moment. The world lit up. It was at that moment he recognized a familiar face. Hange. She was walking towards him. She grinned when she saw him. She wore a fitted black t-shirt and baggy, light blue jeans. 

“Levi!” She exclaimed. “I forgot my jacket in the library, so I came down to get it.” 

“You didn’t tell me you weren’t working today.” Is all Levi said. Once he said it, he realized how creepy it must’ve sounded. A man she just met happens to go to this library to work on his project every day, who happens to come up with multiple reasons to interact with her. Maybe she thought he was a perv.

“Ehh!” She sighed. “I’m sorry! I thought I told you I was off today.” Levi shook his head. The comment itself may have sounded rude, but it wasn’t. She genuinely felt bad. “Walk with me.” Levi followed. Guess not.

“I don’t work Wednesday’s and Thursday’s. Well I’m not supposed to be,” Hange explained. “Mobilt, one of my co-workers, is always calling out sick. So I basically run the place.” They walked towards the library again and entered. 

“Hey, Moblit. How’s it going?” Hange said in a normal tone, heading towards the back of the library. Moblit responded briefly, following Hange. Levi decided to hang back, he figured it was a secure area. He looked around awkwardly.

“Hange, you didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend,” Moblit said, following her towards the back. 

Hange chuckled nervously. “He’s not my boyfriend,” she said bluntly. “He’s just a friend.” Moblit scoffed, rolling his eyes. “If he’s not your boyfriend, how come his mood entirely changed once he saw you?”

Hange found her jacket, folding it over her forearm. “Huh?”

“He was, like, in a bad mood when he came in. He used the computer but he seemed to be pissed or something. Now that he’s with you, he seems… tolerable.”

Hange laughed, feeling her cheeks blush. “It’s nothing like that. People have bad days, you know.”

Hange rolled her eyes and smirked, then headed towards the front of the library. “Ready?” Levi nodded and turned around.

“See you Friday,” Moblit called out. “See ya.” Hange replied.

The two started walking down the street. The air smelt of rain, and the ground was wet from the rain earlier. “Which building is your dorm in?” Hange asked. He was a bit surprised she asked him that, and she was so direct about it.

“Saint Maria,” He replied. She smiled. “Me too! I can’t believe I haven’t seen you around!” The wind picked up and the sky turned darker than before. They both looked up. “If you can’t make it to the library, you can use my desktop in my dorm room,” Hange offered. Levi’s cheeks turned bright red. 

“Thanks, maybe tomorrow I can stop by,” Levi said. It was more of him thinking aloud than a statement. It was too late though, Hange already heard him. He could’ve sworn he didn’t say it aloud.

“That’s fine! I only have a class early tomorrow morning. Come by around 11, okay? My room number is 506.” Levi nodded. Thunder rolled and sounded closer now. They were almost at the dormitory building when it started to downpour. The rain was forcefully coming down on the two. Levi groaned in annoyance. He hated being in the rain. He hated being wet; he hated the wet socks and how gross he felt when it rained. He would’ve started to run to the building to seek cover, but he was taken aback by his new friend.

She was soaked and embracing it. She lifted her head up to face the sky and she laughed. It was loud, happy, genuine, and it took Levi’s breath away. Hange reached her hands out wide and spun around. He saw a strike of lightning light up the sky. He stared at her in awe. His heart swelled. Levi smiled big. After laughing, Hange looked at Levi and shared the look that he wore just a few moments ago. She loved his smile. She wished to make him smile more. She was also determined to make him laugh, too.

She grabbed his hand. “Let’s take cover!” And she pulled him into the dormitory hall. Saint Maria’s hall was beautiful. It had ceiling-to-floor glass pane windows that were always crystal clear. There was a big black modern chandelier that hung from the ceiling. It contained visible light bulbs. Hange secretly loved it. There were the same big, yellow, leather couches in the living room as there were in the study area on his floor. They both wiped their feet off on the big rug in the entryway. 

“I love the rain,” Hange deduced, turning her head to look at him. As if Levi couldn’t tell. Her hand was still holding his. Levi looked up at her. “I like it, too.”

#levihan #levi x hange #levi x hanji #levihan fic #aot #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #snk fic #aot fic #rivahan

[mashtonasfuck]

(Moodboard by @pxrxmoore, title card by me!)

This is part of the writers collab organised by @maluminspace and @h0tsos! The entire masterlist of everyone’s work can be found here. 

Pairing: Luke Hemmings x Ashton Irwin

Prompts: 

Lashton Coffee Shop

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I almost never do.”

Warnings: references to mental illness, sexual references

Word Count: 2.3K

A note from Lucy: This piece was largely inspired by this post that Beth sent me. A big thank you to the writers GC for helping me when I got stuck. Shout out to Beth for reading every draft, and helping me work out where I was going with this piece.

My masterlist can be found here

This work must not be reposted anywhere - I do not give my permission for it to appear anywhere other than on my blog, or on my ao3 page.

——————————————————————————

Luke’s phone pinged, drawing his attention away from the cooking show he was watching.

> Wanna go and grab a coffee?

> Sure :) Alfred’s?

> Meet you there in 20?

> :)

Luke pulled himself off the sofa, humming quietly as he gathered his wallet and keys. A coffee message from Ashton usually meant that something was bothering him, even if he didn’t know it yet. Luke’s phone pinging again broke him out of his musings - Ashton had tagged him in a post on Instagram. Swiping the notification open, Luke was met with a photo of the two of them, smiling as he tapped the like button. His eyes drifted down to the caption, smile turning into a frown:

Today I am feeling nostalgic about how much time I spent picking this man's brain whilst making Youngblood. We nurtured each other out of a very lonely and dark place. I am happy we made it out of those times. Love you @Luke5SOS. We are fighters.

There was definitely something bothering Ashton, and Luke was determined to find out what it was.

—

Luke saw Ashton sat outside as he approached the coffee shop, fingers drumming on the tabletop, leg bouncing. His stomach twisted uncomfortably as he took in the sight of the other man - Ashton was anxious about something. Luke slid into the seat opposite him, but the older man didn’t even notice his presence. He cleared his throat and Ashton looked up at him startled. 

“You okay there, Ash?” 

The older man chuckled quietly pushing Luke’s coffee towards him.

“Was lost in my thoughts, sorry man. How are you?”

Luke took the lid off the coffee cup and looked at Ashton. The older man looked tired, his smile not quite meeting his eyes. Luke took a sip of his coffee before replying,

“Cut the crap, Ash, what’s wrong?”

“What d’you -”

Luke cut him off with a wave of his hand.

“Ash, I’ve known you long enough to know that something is bothering you. You only message me about coffee if there’s something you want to talk about, but don’t want Calum to know.” Luke ran a hand through his hair before continuing, “After everything we’ve both been through, you don’t have to keep up appearances for me. Just tell me what’s wrong, please.”

Ashton let out a breath and brought his coffee up to his lips, avoiding Luke’s gaze. The younger man was right - there was something bothering him - he just didn’t know how to tell him. Ashton knew he was being ridiculous. The last year and a half had really strengthened his bond with the blonde man, and Luke knew things about him that Michael and Calum still didn’t. They’d pull each other up when the other was falling, both seeing each other at some of their lowest moments. Ashton was grateful for Luke’s presence in his life - he was grateful for all three of his bandmates - but his relationship with Luke had shifted whilst they were writing Youngblood. Ashton knew that Luke had saved him from making some stupid life-choices, and he knew that Luke felt the same. He looked up at Luke, the younger man watching him patiently, blue eyes full of concern. Ashton sucked in a breath, it was now or never.

“Luke, I -” movement behind Luke’s left shoulder cut him off, gaze landing on the paparazzo that was making his way towards them. Ashton swore - why could they never leave them the fuck alone? He sighed heavily, motioning for a bemused Luke to stand and follow him into the safety of the coffee shop. Ashton scanned the room for an empty table, groaning when he couldn’t find one. Why was the universe playing him like this today?

“Hey, Ashton?” His gaze fell on one of the girls behind the counter, “We have an upstairs that I can open up for you if you want?” 

He opened his mouth to reply, Luke cutting him off - 

“That would be great, Kasey, thank you.” 

Ashton raised an eyebrow at Luke being on first name terms with the barista, the younger man just shaking his head and pushing past Ashton to follow her up the stairs. 

—

“You gonna tell me what that was about?” Luke asked Ashton once they’d sat themselves down in one of the booths.

“Paps,” Ashton muttered. 

Luke huffed in annoyance before resting his elbows on the table, waiting for Ashton to speak. He knew better than to push him to talk - the older man sometimes struggled to articulate his feelings, and Luke could tell that this was one of those times. He rested his chin on his left hand, bringing his coffee up to take a sip. The flavour danced on his tongue and he hummed quietly at the vanilla coming through against the bitter coffee. He met Ashton’s gaze as he lowered the cup, the older man looking at him with a soft smile on his face. Luke stuck his tongue out at Ashton, earning a chuckle from the other man. 

“I love you, Luke.” The younger man smirked at Ashton’s words and rolled his eyes.

“Love you too, Ash, you know that.” 

Ashton shifted in his seat, looking at the blonde man in front of him. Why was this so hard?

“No, Lu, I -” Ashton sucked in a breath, here goes nothing, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Ashton’s voice was barely a whisper, but he knew that Luke had heard him from the way his eyes widened at his confession. It hung in the air between them, and Ashton wondered if he should have just kept it to himself. He looked away from Luke, closing his eyes and bringing his hands up to rub his temples. He knew he shouldn’t have said anything, and now Luke was going to hate him, and it was going to ruin the band, and - 

“Well, that’s good considering I think I’m in love with you too.” Ashton’s eyes flew open and he looked up at Luke. The younger man smiled at him lazily before continuing, “Mike kept saying that I should just tell you, but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Cal said the same thing when I told him how I felt about you.” Ashton admitted, a smile on his face.

“Those assholes, they clearly spoke to each other.” 

Ashton laughed at Luke’s outburst, making a mental note to pull them up on it later. He moved his hand across the table towards Luke, the younger man entwining their fingers eagerly. They sat in comfortable silence as they finished their drinks, Luke absentmindedly rubbing small circles on the side of Ashton’s thumb, earning him a hum of appreciation from the drummer. Luke blushed, glancing at the man opposite - Ashton was looking at him intently. 

“Hey, um, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have no idea what I’m doing. I almost never do.” 

Luke frowned at Ashton’s words, the older man continuing quickly as he sensed Luke’s confusion. 

“What I mean is - fuck, why is this so hard?” Ashton ran a hand through his hair as he looked at Luke, “you know me better than anyone else, Lu, and I really don’t want to mess this up. You’ve seen me at my worst, and somehow you’re still sticking around and I have no idea why.”

“Ash, it’s because I know all those things about you.” Luke smiled softly at the frown that appeared on the drummer’s face. “You were there for me too, remember? I basically had a breakdown, Ash, and you were there through it all. You saved me. You’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.”

Ashton squeezed Luke’s hand, the singer laughing quietly and squeezing back. He knew that he didn’t have to use words for Luke to know how he felt. The drummer leaned across the table and tucked a strand of Luke’s hair behind his ear, the younger man leaning into his touch. Ashton hummed quietly as he rubbed the side of Luke’s jaw, eyes glancing down at the other man’s lips. Luke smiled softly, shifting forward on his chair to bring his face closer to Ashton’s. Ashton swallowed the lump in his throat, wetting his lips as Luke moved to close the gap between them.

Ashton’s phone vibrated loudly on the table, causing both men to jump back from each other in shock. Ashton swore quietly, Calum’s face showing up on the screen as the phone continued vibrating on the tabletop. He sighed, shooting Luke an apologetic glance before picking it up and swiping to answer the call.

“Hey Cal, what’s up?”

Luke could vaguely hear Calum saying something about taking Duke out and Ashton groaned.

“Sorry man, I totally forgot - m’actually out with Luke at the moment.” Ashton gave Luke a soft smile, reaching back across the table to thread their fingers together.

“Yeah, we just grabbed a coffee, we’re at Alfred’s. Wha- hang on a minute Cal.”

Michael’s ringtone blared out of Luke’s pocket, the singer pulling his hand out of Ashton’s to grab the phone before bringing it up to his ear.

“Hi Mike. M’out with Ash at the moment, can I call you back?” Ashton shook his head furiously at Luke’s words, the younger man raising an eyebrow as Ashton smirked. “Actually Mike, hold on a sec.”

“Cal, I’m just gonna put you on speaker for a bit - Luke has Michael on the phone, and we need to talk to you about something.” Ashton grinned at Luke as he put Calum on speaker, the blonde man frowning slightly as he did the same with Michael. 

“You’re on speaker with Ash and Cal, Mike.”

“We need to talk to you both.” Ashton explained, the grin on his face growing wider at the confused look on Luke’s face. 

Calum and Michael both said that they were listening, Ashton smirking at Luke before speaking.

“So, Luke and I discovered something very interesting just now. It seems like you’ve both been speaking to each other about us behind our backs - anything to say?”

There was silence from both phones for a second, before Michael finally spoke.

“It was Calum’s fault!”

“Michael what the fuck, man?!”

“Shut up Cal - look guys, Calum told me that Ashton had been talking to him about something, and all I said was that hypothetically you’d said something similar Luke, so I didn’t tell him exactly -” Calum started to protest, Luke and Ashton glancing at each other in amusement.

“Boys, please!” Ashton spoke over them both, the phones going silent again. “Luke and I talked and… well we decided we’re just better off as friends.” 

The singer’s mouth fell open at Ashton’s words, the drummer just rolling his eyes and intertwining their fingers again. Luke looked down at their joined hands, then back at Ashton, understanding finally hitting him. He stuck his tongue out at Ashton before speaking.

“Yeah, we don’t think it’ll work out honestly.”

The silence from both phones made Ashton check they were both still connected, both clearly trying to process what had just been said.

Calum was the first to speak, expressing his disappointment, but if they’d decided it was best then he supported them either way. Michael agreed with the bassist, telling Luke he’d call him later before they both disconnected their calls. 

Luke burst out laughing after both phones disconnected, tugging Ashton back across the table towards him and finally pressing their lips together. Ashton hummed quietly, threading his fingers in the singer’s hair as they broke apart, resting their foreheads together as he spoke quietly.

“Wanna come back to mine?” 

Luke hummed in response, before pulling himself out of Ashton’s hold and placing his phone back in his pocket.

“I need to go and let Petunia out first, that okay?” 

Ashton nodded, standing up from his chair and gathering their empty coffee cups. 

“Let’s go and let that giant dog of yours out, and then we can order food for dinner maybe?”

“Sounds like a plan, Ash.”

—

Calum let himself into Ashton’s house, dinner in one arm and Duke in the other - he figured that Ashton would probably want company after an awkward conversation with Luke. He walked into the kitchen placing the food on the side and made his way towards the living room with Duke whining to get free from his hold.

“In a sec, Duke, just wanna check -”

Calum stopped dead in the doorway, taking in the sight on the couch before him.

“Are you kidding me?!”

Luke yelped as he heard Calum’s voice, pushing Ashton off him and scrambling to pull the blanket off the back of the couch.

“Lu, what -” Ashton saw Calum standing in the doorway and he groaned. “Uh, hi Cal - what’re you doing here?”

Calum smirked at his bandmates before pulling his phone out of his pocket and pressing it to his ear, letting Duke out into the garden as he waited for the call to connect.

“Hey Mike - you owe me $200.”

Luke groaned at Calum’s words, hiding his face in Ashton’s shoulder. Ashton pressed his lips to the top of Luke’s head as Calum continued speaking to Michael.

“Mmhmm, I just walked into the living room and Ashton had Luke’s dick down his throat. Was kinda hot actually - never thought Ash was a bottom.”

Ashton grabbed the TV remote off the coffee table and launched it at Calum.

——————————————————————————

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[notworkingsposts]

Revelation (Parker x MC)

Special shout out to @politicallycorrectinnocentteen for this request for the @choicesjulychallenge hosted by @kinda-iconic .

This is the first time I'm writing for Parker so bare with me.

Tagging: @queerchoicesblog @kennaxval @strangerofbraidwood @crazypeanat @tornbetween2loves @politicallycorrectinnocentteen @brightpinkpeppercorn

@mind-reader1 (thought you might be interested)

Let me know if you want to be added or removed.

Several months had passed since Harper Vance visited Pine Springs, and all she could think about was Parker. Their plans always failed due to Parker’s duties as Chief of Police but they were determined to make the most of their short time together.

Harper happily sang along to the radio, her hands tapping along to the beat. The radio lost its appeal real quick, so she skilfully attached her phone to the aux cable while keeping her eyes on the road.  A devilish smile creeped on her face as “Lick - Joi” began to play. The last time she heard the song was with Parker, by the lake as they enjoyed a picnic and…more. She remembered how Parker immediately flushed upon hearing the lyrics, undoing the top button of his shirt. With a wink, Harper had moved closer, raking her hands through his soft brown hair, looking deeply into his hazel eyes. She ran a hand slowly over his broad shoulders, then down his chiselled chest. He took a nervous gulp, as she moved lower again until…

Violently, she was jerked out of her thoughts as the car skidded out and came to a stop. She inspected the vehicle only to find a tyre had blown out. To her disappointment, the local garages had a minimum waiting time of 3 hours. She bit her lip as she worked out how long the walk would take to Parker’s lake side cabin. 20 minutes, not bad right? Wrong! She wanted to be there yesterday. “Fuck it” she mumbled to herself and began jogging. As she reached the path leading up to the cabin, she struggled to breathe, her legs were covered in dust and she was dripping in sweat. With her last bit of energy, she pushed on, only to see Parker sitting on the porch reading a newspaper. He looked up, his eyes growing in concern, and before he knew it he was running towards her. Harper jumped in to his arms as their bodies collided, she wrapped herself around him and squeezed for dear life.

“Harper…what happened? Are you ok? What are you running from?”

Still at a loss of air she chuckled, “I’m…not…running…from anything. I’m running…to YOU. My tyre blew out and I couldn’t wait any longer to see you. I-”

Parker silenced her with a long kiss, which deepened by the second. They broke the kiss at the same time, leaving their foreheads pressed together as they gazed lovingly into one another eyes. The couple heaved a sigh of relief; the comfort of being together feeling like they were home.

———

The week went by in a blur; shopping trips, hikes, boat trips and of course spending each and every night as one. The night before Harper's departure came in a flash, so Parker wanted to treat his girlfriend to the perfect evening. He decided to keep the evening to his cabin as most places in Pine Springs was a reminder of the awful events which had taken place earlier that year. He paced up and down the porch, ruffling his own hair, going over every single detail. For some reason, he was working himself up, he took a seat and with a heavy sigh he forcefully placed his face in his hands.

“Ouch, that looked like it hurt. Want me to kiss it better tough guy?”

Vance grabbed Parker by both hands, forcing him to stand up while she peppered his face with firm kisses, finally ending on his lips. All the worry had left his face. He ran his hand down her arm until their fingers interlaced, and led her indoors. Harper gasped as she saw the three course meal he had prepared, lighted by a crackling fire and all of her favourite treats surrounded by rose petals. He let go of her hand, enabling him to move behind her; encircling his arms around her waist as he placed a gentle kiss to her neck,

“How did I do babe? Do you like it? If you don’t, we can-“

“Parker!!! Shush, this is perfect, anything is perfect with you. Even if we spent the night fighting off monsters, it would be amazing as I'd be with you”. 

With a smile, Parker moved them both towards the closet, fumbling as they moved together. He reached over to open the door and gestured for her to go in. She looked confused but followed his instructions as he would never lead her astray. He softly closed the door, their bodies pressed together in the small and dark space.

“Sooooooo…Chief? This is weird. What are we doing in here? Is this the awkward moment where you tell me you have a closet fetish?”

“Haha, no, but if I did would you be in to it?” He pulled her tighter against his body, their breaths mingling as one. “Don’t you remember? I put my hand here” he ever so carefully moved his hand to the small of her back. “ Then when you told me to kiss you, my heart skipped a beat and I couldn’t believe I got to do it for a second time. You brushed your fingers across my neck which made me go crazy. Even though we were hiding from those damn-murderous-cultist, at that moment, I knew you were something special and that I HAD to keep you in my life”.

Harper closed the distance, kissing Parker hard, “I love you so much Parker”.

“I love you too, let’s get out of here and enjoy the rest of our evening”. 

They ate, danced, laughed and enjoyed one another; mind, body and soul intertwined as one. The next morning was undoubtedly hard as they said their goodbyes - not wanting to let go. 

————

6 weeks later, they made plans to meet at a half way point. The excitement they both felt was uncontrollable; Harper even felt a little nauseous… 

Both of their faces lit up as they saw one another, taking large steps to close the distance. However, Harper came to an immediate stop, just a short distance away from her boyfriend and vomited. He offered her a bottle of water, while comforting her with loving strokes across her back,

“Are you feeling ok?”

“Yeah, I’ve been feeling a little sick over the last few days but I thought it was the excitement. I’m not sure what else it could be - I feel fine otherwise. My boobs feel a little tender as well, maybe it’s a bug?”

He shifted from foot to foot, mulling over all the possible illnesses, when it dawned on him, “Do you think…you might…erm…be pregnant?”

Vance looked up, searching Parker’s eyes, trying to read how he would take it if she was pregnant. She shook away those thoughts as she calculated the last time she was on her period, “I think we need to go to the store…”

After checking in to the hotel, Vance immediately took the test, set a timer and anxiously paced up and down the room. The timer went off but Harper couldn’t bare to look, so Parker slowly walked over, he looked down to see the Clearblue pregnancy test revealing the result. 

“Parker, what does it say?”

“...Pregnant”

#choices july challenge #choicesjulychallenge #parker shaw #parker x mc #choices it lives beneath #it lives beneath #choices ilb #playchoices #playchoices fanfic #choices fanfic #harper vance #vance #mc x parker

[buckyhoneyno]

A Dumbasses Guide To Saving The World (Chapter 8)

Just two girls with stupid dumb luck

Read along as two girls are thrown into the supernatural world when they are mistaken for hunters and decided that they fake it till they make it.

Updating every Saturday because Saturdays are for the boys

Sam x reader

Dean x reader

masterlist

Chapter 8 Misconnection 

“So, we’re supposed to meet them at a motel?” Maddie asked skeptically.

“I know, sounds creepy right!” Charlotte said as she stirred the pasta she was cooking on the stove for their lunch before they headed to work. “What are the guys names again?”

“Sam and Dean,” the red head replied. “They’re going to be here tonight around 6,” 

“We work till 7, hope they don’t mind if we’re late,” she stated with a shrug.

“Ill text Bobby and let him know,”

“tell him to send us their numbers while you’re at it,” Charlotte called back. The girls spent the few hours they had before work eating and getting their packs ready so that when they got off they could just grab their stuff and change before heading out. 

The bar was in full swing when 6:30 rolled around and with only half an hour left in her shift Charlotte was ready to go. The front door of the bar rang as more customers walked in but with her head down while changing the keg the blonde took little notice. Finally getting it hooked up the girls wiped her hands on the towel that hung from her belt.

Looking around she checked with the small crowd around the bar to see if they needed anything but was meet with no’s. Giving them all smiles she moved farther down the bar to the two strangers that had just caught her eye. The men were both tall and well built, not to mention gorgeous. The suits they wore were a bit out of place for the bars usual vibe but she would be the last to complain about it.

“What can I do for you two today?” She asked with a grin when she walked to stand in front of them.

“Oh, you could do a lot for us,” he paused as he looked at her name tag for a moment, “Charlotte,” the shorter blond said with a little smirk. The girl laughed softly while shaking her head, the man just looked like trouble.

“What he meant to say was two beers please,” The taller of the two said while nudging the other man with his shoulder. The blond rolled his eyes with a shrug.

“Comin right up,” She said with a smile before turning back to the cooler behind her that held the bottle beers. “Got a preference?” She asked over her shoulder.

“anything cold,” the brunette stated as they leaned against the bar. Leaning into the cooler she grabbed two bottles out before taking an opener and snapping the tops off quickly. Placing them in front of the men quickly she gave them a parting smile before going back to work.

“Charlotte can I get 4 shots of jack, a sex on the beach and 3 bud lights,” One of the waitresses said while sliding the ticket with the food orders onto the rack.

Throwing up an ‘ok’ sign in the girls direction, the blonde started on the task. The shots and beer were on the tray quickly, then followed by the sex on the beach which she was spinning in her hand inside a cocktail shaker. Tossing it into the air she caught it, much to the customers amusement. After giving them a little show she poured the drink. 

“Pretty good with your hands huh?” The mystery blond said as she walked by them. 

“Oh, you have no idea,” she said with a wink while spinning a knife around her finger. Grabbing a few lemons, she started her end of shift duty’s which consisted of restocking what was needed.

“seriously man,”

“What,” the shorter of the two said while putting his hands up innocently with a grin that was anything but. 

“Hey Char, you almost done?” Maddie called from the window between the bar and kitchen.

“Yeah, give me like 5 minutes and we are good to go,”

“Want any help with anything,”

“If you want to come cut up some limes for me, I would greatly appreciate it,” She called back earning her a “ok” from the red head. The kitchen door swung open moments later revealing the shorter girl.

“Damn there’s two of em,” She heard the blonde mutter to the taller man.

“We’re here for work,”

“Buzz kill,”

Maddie finally made her way to her friend who tossed a lime at her. The girl fumbled with it for a moment before dropping it. Leaning down she picked it up with a pout, her cheeks now slightly red. 

“See this is what I mean about working on your hand eye coordination,”

“You surprised me,” The red head said defending herself. “Do it again,” She said while making herself look prepared to catch the lime this time.

“No that’s pointless, you need to learn to be quicker on your toes,” The blond stated while picking up a knife for the girl. 

“Don’t throw that!” Maddie said while putting her hands up quickly.

“I’m not gonna throw a knife at you!” Charlotte said exasperated. The two men watched the interaction with grins of their own. They kind of reminded them of how they acted with each other.

“Your crazy! You just might knife me,” Maddie mumbled to herself as she grabbed the knife earning her a light slap on the arm from the taller girl.

“Slut,”

“Hoe,”

With their pleasantries said the two girls got to cutting while the men watched on.

“Could we ask you two a few questions,” The blond asked before taking a sip from the beer. Maddie finally noticed the two men and froze for a moment before looking at Charlotte who raised a brow at them.

“We’re here investigating a few murders that have happened in the area and we were wondering if either of you have heard anything about it,” the brunette asked while the girls glanced at each other quickly.

“Sure. Why do you need to know?” Maddie asked now nervous of the new comers. They seemed to catch on to the girls change in attitude and quickly pulled out their badges.

FBI in large letters suddenly made the girls even more tense then they were before.

“We don’t know anything more than what you can read in the paper,” Maddie said slightly to quick making Charlotte hold in an annoyed sigh. The men looked at the red head now with more suspicion.

“I heard the cops talking about it a few nights ago, just some animal attack.” The blond stated nonchalantly in an attempt to cover for her friend. “Think it might have been a waste of a trip for you boys,”

“I’m sure the local officers have this covered,” Maddie said with a nod happy that the eyes were off her for a moment.

The two men stared at them both a little longer before speaking again.

“Nothing else?” The brunette prompted with an odd look on his face.

“Nope,” Charlotte said with a shrug.

“Hm,” was the man’s only reply as he stared at the taller girl a moment longer.

“I got one more question, then we will leave you two ladies to your work,” The blond said with a grin. “We heard there was some random fire that took out an old house on the outskirts of town, any information you can give on that,”

The girls both seemed to freeze catching the men’s attention instantly.

“Probably teenagers,” Maddie stuttered out while Charlotte nodded quickly agreeing.

“Yeah teenagers, their so crazy sometimes,” Charlotte joked making Maddie let out an obvious fake laugh.

“Well if you two hear anything give us a call,” The brunette said while sliding a business card across the bar. Taking a 20 out he put it on the bar as well before nodding at the girls, his partner sent them both a wink before following him out the door.

“They seem nervous to you,” Dean said when they were outside. 

“Very, speciously when you asked about the fire,”

“Think they are suspects?”

“With the way they were acting I wouldn’t write them off,” the two men slid into the impala quickly. Looking at his watch Sam noticed it was a bit after 7. “Let’s head to the motel, we need to meet up with the two hunters that Bobby was talking about,”

“What are the guys names again?” Dean asked as he pulled out of the parking lot, taking a left to the motel that was a few miles down the road.

“I think Bobby said, Charles and Matt.”

“Hope they don’t suck,” was his quick reply, not waiting for Sam to reply he turned up the radio. 

Back at the bar the girls were swiping their time cards and heading to the car.

“We’re fucked,” Maddie stated as she got in the car. “FBI agents are here looking at our case! The fire too!”

“Should we call Bobby,” Charlotte asked as she nervously ran a hand through her ponytail.

“No, he’ll only tell us to suck it up or some old person saying like he always does,” Maddie’s words got a laugh from the other girl who was trying to stay calm. “Let’s just get home, change and go meet up with the hunters he sent,”

“Ok,” The blonde said with a sigh. “But I’m not getting arrested for this shit,” she muttered back with a pout.

  Walking towards the motel the girls tried to shake off the nervousness that they felt about meeting the other hunters.

“Would you put that away before someone calls the police,” Maddie whispered to Charlotte as they walked to the main building. She was spinning a knife around in her hand. A nervous habit that had become a comfort to the blonde. 

The taller girl sent a glare Maddie’s way but continued to fiddle with the weapon. Her eyes caught sight of a vending machine that was a few motel rooms down from where they were at the moment.

“I’m just going to grab a water, how about you go to the front desk and see what room we need to get to,” Charlotte stated as she turned to walk towards the vending machine, not waiting for a reply. Maddie gave a huff before turning and doing what the other girl said. 

Walking inside Maddie noticed the tall brunette from earlier at the bar was about to walk out. They both froze as they made eye contact, their suspicions of each other coming to the surface quickly. The man stepped forward as Maddie stayed in her spot by the door.

“Agent?” Maddie practically squeaked out, her ability to lie was not as finely polished as her friends. She was more lightly to take option number two and just make a run for it.

“Miss?” The man began but paused when he realized he never got her name.

“Barrett,“ the girl replied. “But you can just call me Maddie,” She said quickly.

“Maddie?” The agent said to himself, seeming to be thinking for a moment till his eyes widened. “Matt?”

“I mean I gues-“ Maddie began before she realized what he was saying. “wait, are you?”

“Sam,” He supplied, his posture relaxed significantly when he realized the girl wasn’t a threat but one of the hunters that he was supposed to be meeting.

“Oh thank god,” Maddie said while laughing. “I really thought you were going to arrest me,”

“Yeah, you may want to work on the whole lying part of the job,” The taller man teased with a small smile.

“You have the FBI show up at your job asking about a fire you started and see how calm you stay,” the girl stated while crossing her arms in an attempt to keep her dignity. Sam gave a small laugh while leaning against the wall that was closest to the door.

“So you’re partner?” He questioned with a tilt of his head.

“Charlotte, the blonde from the bar,” She said before pausing. “Speaking of she should be walking in her any minute now,”

Charlotte had just walked towards the vending machine, passing a few rooms on the way. Her favorite knife spinning easily around her fingers. Typing in A4, she waited for her water to be dispensed. A hand on her shoulder caught her attention as she was yanked to the side and into a motel room quickly. With a huff she found herself cornered by the blonde FBI agent from earlier.

“You followin us now?” He questioned with a smirk as he looked over the girl.

“you’d love that wouldn’t you?” She stated back before throwing her head forward, her forehead connecting with his nose making him back off for a moment. The space between them opened enough for her to kick her leg forward, hitting the man directly in the stomach. The girl was never one to be able to take being cornered well.

“son of a bitch,” The man muttered as he put a hand on his face, pulling it away he noticed the blood. Clinching his teeth, he glared at the woman.

“I’m not going to jail, punk ass cop,” The woman said as she widened her stance ready to fight her way out of the room if needed.

“Punk ass cop?” The man questioned, his voice making it seem like she had just insulted him in the highest of manner. Charlotte didn’t give him time to recover before throwing a punch, making contact quickly. While he was dazed she tried to run around him to the door but was grabbed by the pony tail and pulled backwards. Charlotte let a yelp out as her hands went to her hair.

“I don’t want hurt you,” The man grunted as he wrapped his arms around her in an attempt to hold her down.

“Aw, now where’s the fun in that,” She stated with a smirk before grabbing onto his arm, jerking forwards with all her weight, she sent the man over her shoulder. Falling on his back, he let out a grunt before quickly getting to his feet.

“You know what, I think I changed my mind,” He said with a glare before stomping forward. The two threw blows back and forth, neither being able to get the upper hand as they went on.

Sam looked at his watch after another minute of talking to Maddie at the front entrance.

“Want to head over to the room, we’ll probably see your friend on the way,” He suggested to the red head who nodded an ok. Walking out the front door they headed to the room.

“You know I think I have a good feeling about this hunt,” Sam said with a small smile.

“Me too,” Maddie stated slightly surprised that she actually meant it. “I was kind of worried none of us would get along but I think we will be just fine,”

Dean rolled over one of the beds as he avoided a well-aimed knife that was headed straight for his face.

“Crazy bitch!”

“You fucking started it!” Charlotte yelled back from her place behind the table that she had tipped. A knife was imbedded in it from where the man had tried to throw one at her. Standing up Dean glared at the woman.

“I’m done playing games, Barbie,” 

“Who the fuck are you calling Barbie you over sized Ken doll!” She growled out offended. The two ran at each other meeting in the middle.

A crash could be heard from three rooms down. Maddie and Sam looked at each other worried for a moment before they started to jog to the room now. Before they could get much closer a body flew through the window. Charlotte tucked as she rolled into the parking lot. Slowly getting to her knees she shook out her long hair. Getting to her feet she gritted her teeth.

“Charlotte!” Maddie yelled worriedly.

“Give me a minute!” The girl yelled back as the door to the room opened. The man walked out now. “I’m gonna kill you for that,”

“Dean?” Sam questioned in shock as he looked back and forth between the two blondes who were squaring off. 

“Not the time Sammy!” with that the two fighters were back on each other but this time only for a few moments before their own partners were pulling them apart.

“Dean what the hell!” Sam shouted as he pushed his brother back. Momentarily stunned by the amount of injuries the man was currently sporting. Looked like the woman had given as good as she had gotten.

“She’s one of the girls from the bar! Came walking around with a knife!” Dean stated like it was the most obvious reason for the fight that broke out. Maddie sighed as she heard his words before turning back to Charlotte. 

“What happened?”

“That ASSHOLE!” she shouted the insult towards the man who was once again held back by the taller brunette who she had just now noticed. “grabbed me and threw me in his motel room like a fuckin creep! Then he had me up against the wall so I head butted him,” she stated.

“And!” Dean stated not down for taking all the blame in the situation.

“Kicked him,”

“And!” he said again making the girl roll her eyes.

“called him a punk ass cop,” The last part was practically mumbled out but they all caught the words. “But he started it so it’s really not my fault. Purely self-defense!” she stated as she stared at her friend, who was currently giving her the signature ‘I’m disappointed not mad’ face.

“Dean meet Charlotte and Maddie,” Sam said with a sigh. Dean gave him a look that screamed who the fuck cares. “They’re the hunters that Bobby sent us to meet,”

Like a light went off the two blondes made the same face. “Ooooohhhh,” was heard from both of them.

“So, they’re not FBI?” Charlotte questioned while glancing at Maddie for confirmation.

“No,”

“Huh,” She said to herself before looking at the other blonde. “Sorry about trying to kill you then I guess,” She said sheepishly as she scratched the back of her neck.

“Happens,” Dean replied as if it was no big deal. “Nice aim though, almost got me there,”

Charlotte couldn’t help the smile that came to her at the man’s compliment.

“Thanks,” shaking out her hair for a moment she began to pick glass out of her pony tail. Sam seemed to notice and gave Dean a light shove while nodding in her direction.

“Oh, yeah sorry about throwing you through the window,”

“No biggy,” the girl waved it off while running her hand threw her hair to check for any more glass. “Kinda always wondered what it would be like to be honest,” she joked making the hunter smile.

Sam looked at Maddie who had the same exasperated expression as him.

“I think we might need to find another place to stay,” Sam stated as the four of them walked back into the motel room. A few knives were stuck here and there while most of the furniture looked to be either broken, tipped or both. “Looks like a tornado came through here,”

“Oops,” Charlotte mumbled as she walked to the wall that had her knife embedded in it. Grabbing the hilt, she pulled it out roughly. a few feet away was one of Deans knives which she pulled out as well. Walking towards him she offered it to him with a grin. “There’s another motel a couple miles down the road if yall want to follow us,”

Taking the knife Dean nodded while grabbing his bag. Luckily, they had only been in the motel for a half hour so nothing was unpacked. Once everything was sorted the four hunters quickly be lined it out of the room and made their way to the next motel.

tag list:

 @deanismygodwiththatwhistle @real-demon-huntress@beckywiththatgooddean @periodottea91 @this-glitter-pussay@takenbymyfandoms @oneshoeshort @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @getnaildbyme @fourtyninekirbygamzeegirl@musiclovinchic93 @lolabean1998 @kramabitchy @myinconnelly1 @bunnybaby121115 @of-sebstan-and-chrisevans @dammitsammy@wingedcatninja @darkswanordie @ellen-reincarnated1967 @salt-n-burn-em-all @supernxturxl @drkeyed-dreamer @were-not-the-losechesters @ashrey95 @alwaysthefangirl @arbitranox @shotgunshutstheircakehole1967 @fellowmaya @jmb959@capsiclesbeard @hoesforshows  @healojane@lolimeverywherebitch @cross-roads-blues@yllwtaxi @happy-sunny-flowers @gabriels-trix @hennessy0274-blog @supernotmyproblem @itslizabitch8021

#supernatural series #supernatural #a dumbasses guide to saving the world #Sam Winchester #sam winchester imagine #sam winchester one shot #sam winchester x reader #dean winchester one shot #dean winchester #dean winchester imagine #dean winchester x reader #castiel x reader #cas #castiel

[isas-identity]

Lance Vs Shiro: Same ending??

Or what I like to call: Why you should be more mad about Lance’s ending than Shiro’s ending in the clusterfuck called “Voltron’s horrible writing”.

Shiro and Lance had very similar endings in the last episode of Voltron, to put it in simple words: They decided to live a quiet life after the war.

This is kinda long, so i will add everything under the cut, i just want to say sorry for any gammar mistakes beforehand.

How, Lance decided to live in a farm with his family and “Surround himself with The Things He Loves”. Meanwhile Shiro got last-minute married with a dude and “Found his happiness and left the War Efforts Behind”. There’s been a LOT of negative reactions from the fans though, because these endings seemed lazy, out of character, etc. But there’s always a big difference in the spectrum:

People who are upset over Shiro marrying a “nobody” who talked like 2 times, and after Shiro being so happy being the captain and leader of the ATLAS, was being pushed aside to live a quiet life, dont care about Lance’s ending.

People who are upset about Lance’s lackluster ending of working on a farm after being clear about his liking of adventure, giving him a clearly racist ending, and never forgetting or moving on from Allura, don’t mind Shiro’s.

Though they DO think the other’s ending wasnt executed nicely, they don’t think the ending itself is bad per se.

And i know it’s been almost a month since VLD finished, but i found myself wondering why is that i am madder about Lance’s ending tha Shiro’s. So let’s break it down point to point and compare them.

Execution:

When we get to the time-skip, before the explanations of what happenned in the rest of their lifes, we see:

Shiro working as an embassador between planets, still a captain of the ATLAS, traveling through the universe to try and unify planets alongside Hunk who uses his food to help leaders see eye-to-eye.

Lance talking to some kids, telling them about Allura’s sacrifice, and telling them he now works and lives helping out on a farm.

Wich, together with their end cards, gives us the conclutions that:

After their last fight with honerva, Shiro was still Captain of the ATLAS for a few years, he married and decided to retire. We do not know if he married BEFORE or AFTER retiring though. Also, we do not know if he kept working or not after his retirement, since it was only said that he left the “War efforts behind and found happiness”. You can see a lot of things happened during his life as he moved on though.

Even if we, as audience didn’t see it, Shiro spent a few years dating his husband before marrying him, and event though it was pulled out of nowhere as a band-aid, it didn’t felt rushed since it was something that happenned years down the line and out-of-camera. So we are left without any kind of opinion about his relationship with his husband. This also means he spent more time as a captain of the ATLAS than some people seem to believe.

After their last fight, Lance retired from being a paladin and started working on his family’s farm, who suddenly have a family farm,before the war was even completely gone. And then he...kept working on his farm and sometimes talked to little kids about Allura.... thats about it.

It is not said if he “found love” or “happiness” or did anything else than farm and plant junniberries.

Their struggles before retirement:

Now, In this one we need to take a minute to compare these two characters during the show.

There are two things people say when discussing about their endings: “He loved adventure, it was his dream to pilot!! why the heck would he retire!!!!” and the more understanding “Well, he went through a LOT during the war, maybe he had enough and wants to take it easy from now on!".

                  Let’s start with the “They want adventure!” point:

Starting off with Shiro, they say: “He left his fiance because he wanted to be in space that bad! he didnt care if he died!” But i think people misunderstand some things about Shiro in this regard, principally: he was fucking dying.

Shiro had an illness that would leave him unable to move his body before it killed him.

He wanted to prove himself, and go to space, before his body stopped working.

He wanted to leave his mark on history, before he was bound to be stuck on a wheelchair unable to even go to the bathroom, cook or dress himself, so he had something left behind.

So i think people are misplacing his “wanting adventure”, it was more of a cry to wanting to do something with his life before being a vegetable. He was scared of getting nothing done and live his life never doing anything that amounted to anything. Afterwards this problem was solved, wich is not to say he wasn’t happy being apointed being the new captain of the ATLAS and traveling the universe. He WAS. He is a responsible leader and he deserved that position, but he never gave up being a captain after the fight with honerva, again, he was the captain for a few years before retiring when he chose to.

Now, going to Lance’s side, now this kid DID love adventure, breaking the rules, attention, etc. During the series you could see:

Him sneaking out of the Garrison and breaking rules.

Getting inside of alien ships and proceeding to pilot them before the others could finish reacting to seeing an alien ship for the first time.

whooping and hollering while flying in battle.

Actually looking very happy to help others and not backing down at the oportunity to do so.

and that was... like, in the first 3 episodes.

       Now to the “They went through a LOT, they want a quiet life now!

Ok, bear with me and let me just run a thing through you all first.

Shiro is in his late 20′s, probably already 30, an adult and was Captain of the ATLAS for a few years before retiring.

Lance is fucking 18, maybe 19, he’s still a fucking embryo, and probably still has a lot of things to figure out about himself, but still decided to run a farm the instant they defeated Honerva i guess.

Now, during the war Shiro:

Was taken against his will and made a slave in space, was made to fight in the arena for entertanment and fought monsters and probably other aliens, probably even had to kill during this time.

Lost his arm and was experimented upon.

Crashed into earth and lost his memories.

Became the leader of a rag-tag tem of teens in space that was the only hope for the universe.

Suffered of PTSD during all of this.

Almost died a lot of times.

Died.

Became a clone.

This clone proceeded to: Betray his friends, help and spy for Honerva, almost killed Keith, who’s the closest person to him at the time.

Lost his arm again.

Almost got killed by Keith too.

He got his consiousness trasspassed from the Black Lion into the body of his clone, wich, almost rejected him and made him die. Again.

Found out his ex-fiance died and earth was almost anihilated.

We never knew anything about his family, but im sure they died since they never appeared???

etc.

Now, with Lance:

He almost died once, and the fandom is pretty sure he died one time after that but since Allura’s powers are weird we are not even sure what the hell happened there.

He felt doubtful about his position on the team.

He missed his family a lot

The girl he liked didnt like him back...?

His girlfriend of a month and a half sacrificed herseld and died.

uhhh... yeah.

And, like, no. I dont mean to say Lance is a cry-baby because he didnt go through as many things as shiro, or the others. The problem with this, is that it makes no sense because fucking lance never had an arc. The writers never cared about giving him some usefulness, or something that made him shine through, and when he was left at the end, they had nothing for him to do. So they gave him a farm.

But like, even after all the bullshit shiro went through, he moved on with his life, he found happiness and love, was still the captain of the ATLAS for some time before retiring, etc.

But Lance, someone who was so cheerful and up to help other people, who didnt left anything bring him down, just... decided to work on a farm for the rest of his life. Not moving on or anything, wich... yeah, it’s weird.

Keith, who almost died in space 971283678 times, found out he was Fucking Galra, was left alone by his parents, found his mother, was stuck in a space whale’s back for 2 years, was stuck on a leadership position he didnt want?? after uniting the Galra and helping put an end to the war he made a Humanitary Relief Organization, to help people with low resources in the universe.

Pidge? She lost her brother and father, ran away from home, got stuck on a war at fucking 15, had to learn how to fight and pilor, since, you know, she wasnt even a pilot in the first place. Almost lost her father to Zarkon, and believed for some time her Brother was dead. Bue she founded a Space Defenders organization to fight for justice in fucking space, and kept inventing tech to keep helping the universe and fight for the weak.

Hunk? He was a coward, he didnt even wanted to sneak out the garrison, much less get stuck on a space war! He didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to die. His family was even captured on earth, unlike Lance’s. But he learned to be brave, and fought for people’s freedom. He became a diplomat, and learned how to hone his cooking skills to bring people together, so he became a Culinary Embassador to keep the peace in the universe.

They all are doing something with their lifes to help heal the universe after the war. Even after all they went through together. Even shiro helped for a few years before retiring, exept Lance. Who’s a farmer for some reason.

And i’m not saying that fighting on a War isn’t traumatizing enough, I’m just saying that if someone deserves to find love, retire, and live in the fucking bahamas on eternal vacation for the rest of his life, is Shiro. poor guy needed a break a long time ago.

WICH brings me to the last point of this really long essay:

It’s Implications:

   It is sad that the only reason we got a wedding with shiro was like a bandaid from the lash-back they had from Adam’s death and the constant Bury Your Gays trope. But let me tell you something: it wasn’t badly done. Yeah, I woul’ve liked to see more of Curtis to get to know him, or maybe see Shiro and Him having some kind of interaction before being slapped with a wedding a few years down the line, but that was it. The point of it (appart from rebuilding the bridge with the LGBT+ comunity) was to make it clear that Shiro found love and happiness in his life, wich im happy he did, and this does not contradict anything his character is about:

It makes it clear that it doesnt matter how dark things are right now, it will pass and you will be happy someday, you can still make your dreams come true, you have to fight for it.

It doesnt matter if you lost your arm, got a horrible scar across your face, got white hair, etc. You can find love, you can still lead a happy life.

Now with Lance is way more jarring. He has this “good boy” storyline with his girlfriend, wich sucks since he could’ve been made into an “anyone can be a hero, it doesnt matter if you’re not specially good at anything!” but alas they missed that mark. He really didn’t had any storyline for himself perse, he became The Boyfriend and stayed that way.

He went from “Ohh, I dont feel like i have a place in the team since everyone is awesome and has abilities and I dont” one season to “The girl I like doesn’t like me back!” on the next.

In the last season we got this “The girl I like is finally dating me!��� to “oh no, the girl I loved died after dating me for a month”

Then proceeded to “Let me go work in a farm and plant her favorite flowers on it, while I never stop loving her and never move on and keep telling everyone about her sacrifice forever and ever! War who?? My girlfriend sacrificed herself for peace but let me just ignore the war exists still!”

Wich is... sad. They literally never gave anything to Lance to apport to the team or the universe apart from being there for Keith and Allura when they needed cheering up. And even if he himself says “oh im happy, i have a quiet life and that’s how i like it now!” when you think about his ending, you dont feel that way. He literally has nothing, exept his family and flowers.

So yeah, i dont mind Shiro’s ending. It was one of the last things wrong with the ending of the show, even if it was made for the wrong reasons. And i do believe, people should stop hating on it only because they wanted him to happy his little brother whom is almost 10 years younger than him

And yeah, I do think Lance’s ending was racist. I myself am latina, even have a grandfather who owns a farm. Would i go work in his farm for the rest of my life after losing someone i loved? Fuck no. I do not know shit about farms, or farming. He isnt even shown to be specially good with animals, no more than the rest of the gang. And sincerely, that he cut’s himself from the universe and his friends anddoesnt even do anything to help or reconstructing the universe only sounds like depression to me.

But alright then, to each their own in what they want to believe.

#lance #shiro #voltron season 8 #vld spoilers #klance #because i know the klance fandom feels this #I JUST HAD TO GET THIS OUT OF MY CHEST OK BYE

[lilbreck]

AGoT Chapters 19 - 23

I know, it’s been a hot minute. But I’m reading again. Feel free to discuss anything with me if you agree or disagree, either way.

If you want to follow along, I'm tagging my ASoIaF reading as tonya rereads asoiaf.

Chapter 19: Jon II

I like how this establishes right away that Jon is excellent with a sword. I don’t remember if Jon keeps being this closed off an entitled or not. However, he seems to look down on everyone around him which might explain why they all quickly picked up on the “Lord Snow” bit and don’t hang out with him.

The more time he spent with them, the more Jon despised them.

Yeah, that feeling seems to be very much mutual here. However, I do like that we get another layer to it; that we see a hint that all this isolation and such is to cover how much he hates that no one told him what it would really be like and how abandoned he feels. Of course, would he have believed them? It’s hard to tell, though the fact that he quickly adapts to the truth that Tyrion gave him says he probably would.

Honestly… I kinda get why they have to almost brainwash people into abandoning all they knew before, but it seems so cruel and vicious. I have a lot of feelings on how Jon needed this experience, though. He needed to see that, though he was a bastard, he is spoiled and privileged. Everyone talk about how mean various characters must have been to Jon growing up, but he had it fucking easy for a bastard.

“They’re not my brothers,” Jon snapped. “They hate me because I’m better than they are.”

“No. They hate you because you act like you’re better than they are. They look at you and see a castle-bred bastard who thinks he’s a lordling.” The armorer leaned close. “You’re no lordling. Remember that. You’re a Snow, not a Stark. You’re a bastard and a bully.”

This right here. People talk about how [certain other Starks] are bullies, but Jon is a bully when he gets to the wall. He takes out all his anger, resentment, and frustration on those around him. As much as I detest bullies, I like this Jon better than the saint!Jon envisioned by some of fandom.

Also, as much as I detest Tyrion, I am grateful for the advise he gives Jon in this chapter. Also, I love that it’s not really the realization that he’s been a bully or Tyrion’s advise that changes how in interacts with the others on the Night Watch, it’s knowing Bran woke up. That really speaks, in my opinion, to the connection the Stark children share. Of course, you know, not everyone appreciates that people are laughing with Jon and not at him here, but… it is what it is.

Chapter 20: Eddard IV

Honestly, I find Ned’s chapters so fucking boring.  This did jump out to me, though:

What was it that Jon had said when they found the pups in the snow? Your children were meant to have these pups, my lord. And he had killed Sansa’s, and for what? Was it guilt he was feeling? Or fear? If the gods had sent these wolves, what folly had he done?

Also, Ned and Cat trust Petyr way too much. Especially Cat with how he ambushed her when she landed and was all up in her business. Honestly, I have little patience with the older set in these books. Does it show? Of course, me saying that now could have everything to do with me knowing how it ends up for them. Knowing what’s coming is a pain in the ass sometimes.

“My lady,” he said, turning to Catelyn, “there is nothing more you can do here. I want you to return to Winterfell at once. If there was one assassin, there could be others. Whoever ordered Bran’s death will learn soon enough that the boy still lives.”

Right here and there, knowing what they knew, Ned should have sent the girls back with his wife. Full stop. I swear, I can find a way to blame at least half of this book’s foolishness on how Ned and Cat coddled and then failed to protect their children. It may not all be fair, but I can still find a way. And he’s even talking about preparing for war! He should have snuck those girls out and sent them off with their mother.

Chapter 21: Tyrion III

There’s really not a lot to say about this chapter. I like Tyrion better in this one, probably because he isn’t talking about wanting to burn his family alive and assuming Jon felt the same. I also like that we got a glimpse of Jon getting along better with some of the other brothers. They’re just all really fucked because people put their unwanted up on the wall and forget all about the place and people there. Poor fucking Mormont.

So far, I like Tyrion’s chapter’s slightly more than Ned’s, but that’s not really a high bar.

Chapter 22: Arya II

Arya’s breaking my heart here.

Arya hated it. She hated the sounds of their voices now, the way they laughed, the stories they told. They’d been her friends, she’d felt safe around them, but now she knew that was a lie. They’d let the queen kill Lady, that was horrible enough, but then the Hound found Mycah. Jeyne Poole had told Arya that he’d cut him up in so many pieces that they’d given him back to the butcher in a bag, and at first the poor man had thought it was a pig they’d slaughtered. And no one had raised a voice or drawn a blade or anything, not Harwin who always talked so bold, or Alyn who was going to be a knight, or Jory who was captain of the guard. Not even her father.

I think this really shows what the South has to teach Arya. She had been coddled up North. There was a level of justice there that didn’t exist elsewhere (though may have only really existed at Winterfell, it’s hard to tell). It’s why she felt free to attack Joffrey. He was in the wrong and, in her eyes, it didn’t matter that he was a prince. In the South, of course, only the royal family’s justice matters. It’s why no one raised a hand to stop Lady or Mycah’s death.

What I do notice in Arya here, that seems to be missing in her father, is the ability to see the fault in those she loves. Ned still can’t bring himself to believe that his friend isn’t the man he’d like to believe he is. Arya even says here that even her father didn’t bother to speak out against it. Though, I notice that she says it’s the queen that killed Lady. While, yes, Cersei is why Lady was killed, Arya doesn’t seem quite ready to admit that her father played his part in Lady’s death. I just wish she could realize that, yes she may have had a hand in the events that lead to Lady and Mycah’s death, that the fault ultimately lays at the feet of the royal family and Sandor.

It’s my belief that, by the end of the series, Arya won’t be queen of the 7k or North, as some believe, but that she will be the one who reforms the justice system. Takes it out of the sole hands of the ruler, maybe. She’s beginning to see here that people just go along with what the king says, no matter how cruel, and that the smallfolk suffer. Granted, I think she’s got a long way to go (she’ll take a detour into vengeance city, but she’ll head back to justice after), but you can see where the spark of what I believe her endgame is gets started.

Honestly, I think at least half the problems between Arya and Sansa (aside from just normal sister issues when the sisters are so different) are because of the damn Septa. And, yes, part of me rages that Ned and Cat are trying to force Arya into a role she doesn’t want.

“I do not mean to frighten you, but neither will I lie to you. We have come to a dark dangerous place, child. This is not Winterfell. We have enemies who mean us ill. We cannot fight a war among ourselves. This willfulness of yours, the running off, the angry words, the disobedience … at home, these were only the summer games of a child. Here and now, with winter soon upon us, that is a different matter. It is time to begin growing up.”

Hey, Ned? Couple things I want to talk about. First, this isn’t your only daughter, you really should be having this talk with both of them. Second, you should have had this fucking talk back before Robert and the Lannisters assholes showed up in Winterfell. You fell down on the job, and now your fuck ups have a damn body count. Also, it’s about damn time that you noticed your younger daughter was willful and would probably be more inclined to learn all the shit you have the Septa shoving down her throat if you also allowed her to learn to fight like you do in this chapter.

It was the third time he had called her “boy.” “I’m a girl,” Arya objected.

“Boy, girl,” Syrio Forel said. “You are a sword, that is all.”

I can’t tell if this (him repeatedly calling her a boy and then a sword) is just coincidence, or if it’s a bit of foreshadowing of what she’ll have to go through, how she’ll have to nearly lose her identity. If not, it’s a nice little bit. I wonder if it was Ned’s deliberate choice to get her a teacher to show her a form of fighting better suited to her size and probably over-all body strength? If so, he’s earned some points back from me.

Chapter 23: Daenerys III

You know, reading this… Drogo’s definitely in line for the Vlad treatment. I just find it kind of odd that GRRM would write him being so considerate and very aware of her consent and waiting for it on their wedding night, and yet this:

Yet every night, some time before the dawn, Drogo would come to her tent and wake her in the dark, to ride her as relentlessly as he rode his stallion. He always took her from behind, Dothraki fashion, for which Dany was grateful; that way her lord husband could not see the tears that wet her face, and she could use her pillow to muffle her cries of pain.

I’m sure at least half the pain is from her saddle sores, but the other half is probably from her fuckboi husband riding her like a horse. What was GRRM thinking? I suppose we’re supposed to take comfort in the fact that she eventually finds pleasure in the sex during their trip, but… no. I can’t take comfort in that. She’s 14, he’s 30. And not a slight 30 either. He’s a large and brutal 30 and she’s a slight and delicate 14. Yeah, I’m going to have to mentally age up these younger characters to get through this.

Yet when she slept that night, she dreamt the dragon dream again. Viserys was not in it this time. There was only her and the dragon. Its scales were black as night, wet and slick with blood. Her blood, Dany sensed. Its eyes were pools of molten magma, and when it opened its mouth, the flame came roaring out in a hot jet. She could hear it singing to her. She opened her arms to the fire, embraced it, let it swallow her whole, let it cleanse her and temper her and scour her clean. She could feel her flesh sear and blacken and slough away, could feel her blood boil and turn to steam, and yet there was no pain. She felt strong and new and fierce.

As much as I talked about Arya’s recent chapter showing where I thought she would end up, this dream right here pretty much spells it out. It shows her embracing what it means to be a dragon, being “purified” by it (pure doesn’t always mean good and kind) and then after that she heals rather quickly. The dragon egg that Drogon will probably hatch from (IIRC) is the one she reaches out to feel, and it’s Drogon (as a representation of herself, or as itself) that is in her dream. I think right from her third chapter we get a hint that she’s never going to be a queen in peace. She’ll have at least one opportunity, but she ends up turning away from it, and I think that will be her last opportunity. She’s going to go full dragon, and I can’t wait to read from her POV as she does. It won’t be pretty, but it’s bound to be interesting.

You know, I love that Daenerys took away the power her brother had over her. She saw him for what he was and, in part due to her new status but also, I believe, in part due to the dragon dream, was able to let go of her fear of him. I admit, I cheered. When Jorah backs her and tells her the straight truth that the people aren’t begging for their return and she listens and understands the truth of what he says, it almost makes you have hope for her. There are parts of her that could be a good queen who reigns in peace. Her story wouldn’t be an interesting struggle if there weren’t.

I do like how her healing, taking away her brother’s power over her, and taking control of her sex life all tie in together. She’s taking control, and I do think it has a lot to do with embracing the dragon dream, even though she may not realize what the means. I was wrong before, she doesn’t turn 14 until the end of this chapter. And she’s pregnant. I can’t help but think what would have been if Robert hadn’t tried to have her killed. Would she have lived her life out with Drogo and however many children they had, and would the eggs have gone unhatched?

#asoiaf #asoiaf:agot #tonya reads books #tonya rereads asoiaf #questionable parenting skills in asoiaf

[marvel-obsessed-mind]

The Little Thief

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader. It’s pretty platonic, but you can interpret it how ever you like.

Word Count: 1,345

Warnings: Language.

Summary: Someone decides to take your car for a joyride. and it turns out you know the little thief.

Requested: Um... Yes? I dunno, @turtlepowersactivated reblogged this prompt list talking about number 10 and thought I’d write it for them anyway?

A/N: Guys, I think I’m ill. I’m posting anouither fic withing like 30 hours of posting part 2 of New rules. Never done that before. Lol, enjoy this piece of work. I’m gonna go work on some requests now. I’m finally gettin’ to it!

After waiting for Peter to get back from whatever it was he needed to do for an hour, you get up and collect your books, making you way out of the library and to your car. Quickly making your way to your car, ready to relax at your place, you don’t notice anything amiss until you get to the spot you parked.

Where. The fUCK. Is my car. You look around, livid over the fact that some fucking stole your car when you spot the familiar shape of it a few parking spaces over. Your eyes widen in surprise and you make a mad dash for it. Eyes running over the exterior for anything unusual, happy that you don’t see anything major wrong with it, and you quickly  make your way to the driver’s side and unlock your door. You dive in the second you get the door open to see if anything was stolen and see a note taped to the steering wheel.

Sorry for borrowing your car, I had to use it real quick. There’s no damage, and I promise nothing was stolen – your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man

More like friendly neighborhood jackass.

You take another, closer, look at the note, feeling like there was something familiar about it. After wracking your brain for an answer, you have a ridiculous thought. Is that Peter’s handwriting?

You set your backpack on your lap, opening it up to look for something that had Peter’s handwriting on it, knowing you had something with his handwriting in there. Letting out a shout of triumph, you take out an English paper of Peter’s that you had to go through for grammatical mistakes with him today and compare his handwriting with Spider-Man’s note.

After flipping back and forth between the two, you slowly lift your head and stare out the window; feeling like this was the last puzzle piece as everything clicked into place.

That little shit!  

You shook your head in disbelief as you tried to comprehend the fact that your best friend was Spider-Man. It took you a minute to realize how long Spider-Man had been around, but when you did, you stomach dropped. Oh mY gOD. He became Spider-Man when he was fifteen!

You were going to have a serious talk with your friend, Peter Parker, when you saw him next.

--

A couple hours had passed since you found out Pete was Spider-Man and you spent those two hours thinking about everything Peter had gone through, finally stopping when the jerk decided to call you. After jumping from the sudden noise of your phone ringing, you picked it up, already knowing who it was.

“Hello, Peter. I hope you’re okay. I only waited for an hour and a half for you to at least text me, but it’s fine,” You say, voice layered with sarcasm. Of course, you now know why he had to, but were unable to not give him shit for it.

“Uh, yeah, I’m really sorry about that, Y/N. Something urgent came up. Listen, I was wondering if I could come by your place in like 20 minutes? I thought we could hangout since I had to cut our study session short earlier.”

“Have at it, dude, you know I have nothing else planned. I cannot wait to tell you what happened to me after you left.”  Chuckling, you head to the kitchen to see if there’s anything good to eat in the kitchen.

“Oh, what happened? Are you okay?” Peter demands, thinking that something bad happened to you after you left.

“Pssh, I’m fine! I’ll tell you all the juicy details when you get here.  Bye!”  You hear Peter start to say something, but hang up, smirking, and set your phone down to look through your fridge. After a minute of searching, you grab some food and head to the couch, settling down with a sigh, and turn on the tv to find something you and Peter would want to watch while you wait for him to get to your place.

--

20 minutes later you’ve eaten your food and are dividing your attention between the screen and your phone, when you hear a knock at your door.  You get up and open the door and find Peter lightly hoping from foot to foot with a worried expression.

“Hey, Peter! C’mon in you dork.” You slide to the side and smile at him as he walks in. You’ve barely closed the door when you feel a tug on your shirt. You glance over and raise an eyebrow at Peter, waiting for him to ask you a question.  

“What happened?” He asks, nervously biting his lip. Your heart goes soft at the look he’s giving you and you can’t help but smile tenderly at him. You grab his hand and gently squeeze it before walking to the kitchen once again to get some water for the both of you. The innocence in that question both confused and amused you. Did he not realize you’d be upset, well amused now, about the car? You watched Peter’s expressions from the corner of your eye as you started talking, hoping his reactions would further prove your theory.

“Well, I had just gathered all my books and everything and headed to my car to head home, you know, as you do, but ended up having a heart attack because my car was not in the spot I parked it.” You weren’t disappointed. The second you mentioned your car Peter’s face went pale with panic.

You turn and fill the cups up with water as you continue telling your story.

“But, it’s okay!! After looking around the parking lot in disbelief for a few minutes, I realized my car was only a few parking spaces away from me! Which, thank God. My parents would’ve killed me. Anyway,” You say, turning towards his very fake nonchalant self, handing him his water, “So I get to my car, unlock it, and what do I see? A note from a very famous dude. Spider-Man, in fact. You know him, right?” You smirk, fighting to hold back laughter, as you watch Peter scramble for an answer. You don’t give him time, though, going for the final part that’ll blow his cover.

“You know, there was one thing dear old Spider-Man forgot to check. You see, it’s awesome that he left a note- I’m not sure why he’d take a car when he can swing from his webs- that’s just my opinion- but Spider-Man probably forgets from time to time that people can recognize things that they’ve continuously seen for, oh, I don’t know, a few years?” You stare at Peter with a shit eating grin, “And Peter, I recognized the handwriting. You might wanna look into printing them out? So people don’t recognize the handwriting?”

Peter stands there, eyes wide with shock, as he processes what you just said. It takes him a minute, but he shakes it off, already admitting defeat.

“You caught me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was Spider-Man, but I wanted-”

You stop the start of what you know would be a rambling mess by putting your cup on the counter and placing your hands on his shoulders, “Peter, it’s fine! I’m not mad. Well, I mean I was a bit miffed you didn’t tell me at first, but I’ve thought about it the entire two hours of knowing, and have come to realize you probably did it to protect me. Which is sweet as hell by the way.” Smiling softly at Peter, watching him slightly nod his head, showing that he understood, you wait until Peter’s body had lost some of the tension before dropping your hands.

“You want to go sit on the couch and see what’s on tv?” You ask, already knowing the answer. Peter nods and takes a sip of water, following you to the living room.

After about 30 minutes of watching some tv show you hear Peter ask:

“So…. Where do you think I could get notes like that printed?”

Tag List: @15-shades-of-fangirl @onceuponateenpanwolfian @thatspiderbaby @captaincalliemae @trickyholland @baka-chanismyname @digicharr @mamanewta5 @artsysad @babyfairybaekhyun @o-brienwrites @cubedtriangle @kawaiianime03

If you want to be added to the tag list, let me know!!!

#peter parker fic #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker oneshot #spiderman x reader #spiderman oneshot #spiderman imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland oneshot #marvel oneshot #marvel imagine

[bisexualtimothylawrence]

Ok, so. I said in the tags of my last reblog that I had an example of how toxic and pervasive diet culture and fatphobia is in the US. Here goes.

This is LONG so. Under the cut. Mind the trigger warnings for discussions of weight, calorie counting, caloric restriction, fat shaming, food shaming, abusive behaviours, misogyny, and the military. If I missed anything, I apologise, and please let me know so I can tag it.

A note in case this is distributed beyond my followers: I’m a transgender male. The experiences I talk about below are about military training for women, as trans people could not (and cannot) serve as their true gender in the US. Do not refer to me using she/her pronouns or terms such as “woman”, “female”, or “girl”. The use of the words “women” and “men” below should be understood to refer to assigned gender at birth, and not the actual genders of anyone involved.

I used to be enlisted in the Marines. You know, the branch of the US military that prides itself on being the toughest, most combat ready branch - every Marine a rifleman and all that jazz. (Spare me your opinions on the military; that’s not the point of this post.)

Now, one of the things they really go hard on is that every Marine receives the same basic training, and I can say from personal experience it is difficult, physically demanding training. You are up at 0500 and not going to bed until 2200. Most days on Parris Island start with PT - usually some mixture of running and body weight exercises - continue on to walking fucking everywhere, have several nice sessions of practising synchronised walking, and include martial arts training. In addition, you will more likely than not receive incentive training - a polite way of saying you’ll be doing pushups or side-straddle hops until your drill instructor is tired. And you’ll be expected to work on physical fitness during your free time - oh, they don’t flat out tell you what to do, as it is free time… but it’s highly encouraged. Highly. Encouraged.

So. You would think. That because of how demanding all this is. That men and women would eat the same.

Wrong.

I know this because I was part of the 4th Recruit Training Battalion - the only training battalion for women Marines. Which meant I got to see the difference in chow, as during rifle training, women recruits eat from one of the male battalions’ dining halls - it’s by the rifle range. I think it was 2nd Bn’s, but it’s been a decade and I don’t recall exactly, nor do I want to look it up as this post is emotionally taxing to make as it is.

The 4th Bn chow hall had caloric contents posted for everything. The 2nd Bn chow hall only had it for the diet food.

The 4th Bn chow hall, you were served one slice of toast or half a bagel. 2nd Bn served two slices of toast or the whole bagel.

4th Bn you could have margarine OR peanut butter. 2nd Bn could have both butter and peanut butter.

The box lunches provided from the 4th Bn hall had: one meat and cheese sandwich, one apple, one orange, one hard-boiled egg, one granola bar, catsup, mustard, and miracle whip.

The box lunches provided from the 2nd Bn had: one meat and cheese sandwich, an apple OR an orange, two hard-boiled eggs, one granola bar, a bag of chips, and some form of dessert. Plus the condiments.

(Vegetarian lunches got a peanut butter sandwich, but I don’t recall what replaced the egg. I digress.)

We were made to hand the chips and dessert over to the drill instructors, and some of them would take the granola bar too - dunno why, because it was also part of the women’s box lunch. I guess because we were getting an extra egg - I’m getting to why that’s my guess in a moment.

Official policy, of course, is that we were allowed to eat anything provided. As the drill instructors angrily pointed out one day in the 2nd Bn chow hall. I don’t know who had the balls to complain about the fact we were yelled at when we ate the entire bagel served to us, or that we were supposed to ask for the diet option… but the next few meals were supervised by the officers.

See, the big thing the drill instructors harped on was that we weren’t here to be fat. Women Marines are not fat, never fat, fat is disgusting, eating chips is disgusting, cookies are disgusting… you get the idea. (Thus why we had to turn in the granola bar from the male box lunch - it was basically a cookie, and we had an extra egg so we didn’t really need the granola bar, now did we? Fuck the vegetarians I guess, as they had to hand over theirs as well because otherwise they’d be getting ‘special treatment’.)

So, whilst they’d figured out that male recruits needed a fuckload of calories to complete training… they hadn’t figured that out for the women.

It seemed like once you were labelled a “diet recruit”, that label stayed with you no matter what. But “double ration” recruits? Unless you came in with MEPS saying you needed extra food - rare, as this generally required a weight waiver - you could be pulled off double rats as soon as you hit minimum weight. Only to be put back on at next week’s weigh-in when you dropped below minimum. And you lost double rats if you were moved to a different platoon, until weigh-ins there.

Maybe those things happened to the men, too. I don’t know. But male recruits still got more food overall.

Because we also weren’t allowed double rats at the rifle range because “the men’s chow has more calories.”

My weight was in a constant state of fluctuation because I couldn’t eat enough to maintain minimum weight for someone two inches shorter than me on regular rations. So I’d drop below minimum by a Lot. Get put on double rats. Gain weight. Hit minimum just in time for weekly weigh-in. And since Women Marines aren’t fat, I’d get dropped back to regular rations. You would think at some point someone would have noticed the pattern, but no.

Remember how I said caloric contents were posted? I decided to calculate how much I was eating. I figured out that on regular rations I was hitting 2800-3000 calories a day, on days I got everything I was allowed to… which was most days. Unless they were serving turkey curry. (Gd that stuff was a unique brand of awful.) Which means on doubles? I was eating 6000 calories. At the rifle range, I was lucky if I hit 2200 calories, as we had to - ahem - sorry, I meant were strongly encouraged to eat like male diet recruits.

Diet recruits were at ~1800 a day, iirc. I honestly don’t know how they survived; I remember one woman who was obviously becoming thinner, but the scale showed no difference. A sensible person would have realised she was (somehow) gaining muscle.

She got extra incentive training and closer supervision at meals because clearly she was sneaking food because she couldn’t stop being a fatty.

Oh, and the above caloric intake doesn’t accurately represent the average recruit’s intake. Nominally you have 20 minutes to eat, from the time you sit down. In reality, the drill instructors count starting when the first recruit in the platoon sits down - if you’re lucky. If you aren’t, time starts when the first recruit enters the chow hall. Either way, unless you’re one of the first people in, you’re fucked. And generally they had the diet recruits go first so they could be more supervised… and double rats went last.

(See, I got very good at eating quickly. Too good, actually. Apologies to anyone who was ever in a platoon with me, because I was typically near the end of the line no matter what, and I was typically one of the first recruits up and out the door. Mainly because once ONE person finished, they started yelling about the rest of us being slow and taking our good ol’ time. It was less stressful for me to finish up - clean tray always because they also yelled about wasted food - and head outside to recite knowledge. Unfortunately, it meant everyone else got yelled at because, “[Blue] is done and [he] sat down after all of you!” ::wince:: )

A common impression was that most women just couldn’t hack it because they were too weak… stress fractures were a common reason women got dropped back in training. The other most common reason was not meeting PT standards. Most women I met in the separation platoon were either too sick or injured to complete training… or suicidal.

I personally wonder how much of those problems would have been fixed with adequate nutrition. How many women suffered injuries they shouldn’t have because they were malnourished? How many women crumbled under stress because they were malnourished? Lack of nutrition weakens the body and causes and exacerbates symptoms of mental illness.

This post is hard to write because - again, spare me the opinions on the US military complex, I know it’s bad - I spent so much of my life wanting to be a Marine. I wanted to die for the longest time after being discharged. I spent six fucking months on Parris Island. And how many of the problems I had could have been solved by just being allowed to fucking eat?! How. Fucking. Many.

The hardest weeks were the ones where I was frantically stuffing as much food as I was allowed in my mouth, knowing it wasn’t enough, and knowing I’d be in trouble if I tried to get more. The rifle range was where I fractured my sacrum and had my first mental breakdown - ‘coincidentally’, that was when we were all forced to eat like diet recruits.

It. Really makes me wonder. Really fucking makes me wonder. If we, as a nation, could get past the fucking preoccupation with “fat=bad”, how much better off everyone would be. Because I could have completed recruit training if I’d just been allowed to eat. And I don’t know if my life would be better…

but I do know that it is really fucked up that even the United States fucking Marine Corps is so fucking worried about women getting fat that they’d sooner starve recruits than risk a woman being more than exactly the minimum weight for her height. That what is supposed to be one of the best fighting forces in the world cares more about what women look like than anything else.

So, yeah. Fuck anyone who says it’s about health and physical fitness. Because even in the military it’s all about the idea of fat bodies being aesthetically displeasing, regardless of what they can do or how healthy they actually are, to the point of literally starving people just to make sure they don’t get fat.

#misogyny #fatphobia #caloric restriction tw #weight tw #weight loss tw #food tw #calorie counting tw #fat shaming tw #us military #us marines #caloric restriction #weight #weight loss #fat shaming #food shaming #food shaming tw #abusive behavior #abuse #abuse tw #starvation #starvation tw #diet culture

[keziacole]

tagged by @bumbleblossoms​ - thank you! 

Tagged Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coffeeeeeee

2. Phone call: My partner, just as they left the dentist. :( 3. Text message: Motherbot 2.0 4. Song you listened to: Been Caught Stealing – Jane’s Addiction 5. Time you cried: Uh… some point in the last couple months, I guess? Not sure when, but it was at something related to dogs. Honestly, I did most of my crying last year, during The Year From Hell, and I’m still a bit dried out.

6-92 under the cut. :)

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: As in getting back together again? Nooooo. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: …yup. Often. Sometimes not until a long while later, though!   8. Been cheated on: Not to my knowledge. 9. Lost someone special: Yep. 10. Been depressed:  Eh, I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, so no, I don’t think so. Situationally really fucked off with things? Yes. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Once. Story time, everyone! 

So, I generally have a really good alcohol tolerance and a cast iron stomach (not necessarily for good reasons, but hey), but I did once go to a party that ended very badly. I was about 17, had recently been diagnosed with CFS, and was on a heavy painkiller regimen. I drank when I shouldn’t really have done so, because bullshit and All the Emotional Drama, BUT… I did not know that my friend’s asshole brother had spiked my drink. (He was a peach. Gave his 14 year old brother acid once just to point and laugh at the result. Fuckin’ hated that guy.)

At some point in the evening – somewhere after the sham marriages, interpretative dance, and someone putting someone else through a table, because teen parties – I realised I was wayyy more wasted than I should have been, despite the painkillers, and I ended up spending all night hallucinating and throwing up, plus feeling horrific for about three days afterwards. 

Moral of the story: if you spike people’s drinks, you are a gigantic bag of toe lint and should suffer mosquito bites on your asshole for a thousand years. The end.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Purple 13. Red 14. Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Not yet. Befriend me, tumblr, you’re my only hope.  16. Fallen out of love: No, though I have watched my relationship with at least one family member crumble into dust. Does that count?  17. Laughed until you cried: At least four times a week. Which is one big reason why I’m marrying that motherfucker.  18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. See 16. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not yet.  20. Found out who your friends are: Yes, sadly. It sucks when you realise how effectively someone has manipulated the people around you.  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah, I don’t really do the FB thing. I should, I guess?

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: See above. I kind of have a profile, but I only use it to message people I’m related to who are freaking obsessed with Facebook and won’t communicate any other way. Ugh. So… most of them? I guess?   23. Do you have any pets: One dog – Hector, a grumpy and elderly terrier - down from two resident mutts and a boatload of fosters. Older dog died last year, and I’m not in a position to foster right now, which sucks, because I miss having a house full of beasties, not to mention making a difference. 24. Do you want to change your name: Already have done/am doing! I have no real interest in keeping up with more than 80% of the people I’m related to, and I never liked my birth name, plus this is easier to spell and dictate to people, and isn’t known by the abusive assholes in my life. So, yay! 25. What did you do for your last birthday: Ordered pizza and watched favourite movies with my partner. We did The Blues Brothers and shit-talked the progression of police militarisation in the US over the past 30 years, and it was incredibly fun, despite the fact we’re 3000 miles apart right now. Also, they remembered my birthday, which is more than can be said for over two-thirds of the people I’m related to.  26. What time did you wake up: 9am, but in my defence I was up until 3 last night. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking shit with my partner, knitting an afghan, and watching foster kitten cams and reviews of awful movies together, because these are good ways to help someone who has a dental appointment in the morning try to stay calm. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Getting my current backlog of work finished. Sooo clooose…. Promised myself a movie and gaming binge when I’m done. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Last week. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Either having enough money to fix all my problems (yes, in this case, money most certainly can do that), or just being on the same continent as my partner, so we didn’t have this immigration thing to worry about. Not having a debilitating illness that fucks everything up would be pretty awesome, too.  31. What are you listening right now: Freddie King 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yep, many Toms. All the Toms. Well, like, five plus. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Not knowing whether or not the electrician is going to show up tomorrow, which will mean I need to move the paintings and quilt top I currently have all over the sitting room floor. I’m not done piecing that thing yet. Grr. 34. Most visited website: Lots. Mostly Google, Politico, Reuters etc., but I’m living on eBay right now because I’m trying to sell off a bunch of DVDs, books, and vintage glassware. …Does anyone want to buy some vintage/antique glassware? 35. Mole/s: Yep. I had one removed from my back once. Turned out to be benign (phew!) but I got an interesting scar out of it. 36. Mark/s: I still have a faint surgery scar on my elbow, but it doesn’t look as Frankenstein-y now. Most of my scars have faded, but I still have some weird idiosyncrasies from things that have been broken or busted up. 37. Childhood dream: Writing was always my main thing, but also acting/directing. Illness took that away. Other than that, I always wanted to live somewhere rural with lots of animals, and be happy.  39. Long or short hair: Long. Lots. It’s huge. Send help. I like both on other people.  40. Do you have a crush on someone: Not right now. Give me ten minutes and a new Fet profile to stalk and I’ll get back to you... 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m a creative dynamo and I don’t stop until I fall down. I’m also proud of the fact that I’m a pretty compassionate and patient person, and I like the fact I’m slow to really anger. Someone told me recently I’m a very stabilising influence, and that was nice to hear. I feel like life can use more of that.  42. Piercings: Ears (two left, three right), nose (left). More on the way, maybe, when I can justify it.  43. Blood type: ???? I should check. I know the NHS won’t let me donate blood because of my medical condition, which blows.  44. Nickname: Zia. Some people call me Kez. One person is allowed to call me Admiral Fuckface McAsshole III.  45. Relationship status: Open relationship with my primary partner, technically speaking. Poly is good, but my planner is too cluttered for anarchy.  46. Zodiac: Aries w/ Aquarius moon, Virgo ascendant. I also have Mars and Venus in Taurus, so mooooo. And yes, I did used to do natal charts for beer money. I read palms, too. I’d still do it if asked nicely.  47. Pronouns: They/She. I don’t mind feminine pronouns, because I’m incredibly cis-passing and most people will assume “she”, plus I can live with being labelled female if it’s a binary choice, but I see myself more as a person than a gender, so I love that neutral pronouns are being used so much more now.

FWIW, I considered whether or not I was trans for a hot minute when I was a younger teen, because I used to love passing as a boy when I was a kid (until puberty at nine. Boo.), but for me it was the difference in how I was treated when I passed as male that mattered. It was the difference between “Oh, isn’t he confident and intelligent?” and “Hello, sweetie, don’t you look pretty today?” that affected me, not a real sense of dysphoria, so I decided the problem wasn’t really in how I presented, but in society itself. I have yet to really find a satisfying way of rectifying that, but I think we’re all making progress as a society. It’s very slow progress, sadly.   

48. Favorite TV Show: I don’t watch that many series, but Star Trek (especially TOS and DS9), X-Files (S1/S2), Game of Thrones, old mystery adaptations (all the Agatha Christie ever), Stranger Things, Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad… can’t think of anything else right now, but there are some. 49. Tattoos: One black and grey dotwork spiral goddess on my arm, next one coming soon (watch this space, now I’ve found an artist!) 50. Right or left hand: Ambidextrous. Yes, I can write with both hands. Sometimes, I switch in the middle of the sentence. No, it doesn’t look the same. I can also operate light switches with my toes from a standing position.  51. Surgery: I fucked up my ulnar nerve a couple of years ago by blacking out and falling on some stairs. It was melodramatic, and I lost the use of my left hand. Had surgery to correct it. I was awake but a bit sedated, and spent most of the time talking to the cute anaesthetist about chastity cages. Because... sedated? Yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sadly, he did not call, though I’m pretty sure he did a lot of googling when he got home that night.  52. Hair dyed in different color: Always, since I discovered Olaplex, which means I can actually bleach my hair without it completely frying. Most recently, I’ve had a mermaid fantasy in turquoise, green, and purple, but it’s faded a lot. Not sure what I’ll do next. Maybe orange, or neon yellow again. 53. Sport: I can’t do much without turning blue and blacking out, but I’ve always enjoyed tennis, badminton, swimming, and equestrian stuff. Is hiking a sport? Hiking’s fun.  54. Do you use sarcasm a lot: Um... 

55. Vacation: Last one was to see my partner; next one will be too. So, the woods of NEPA. Hiking out with some granola and my favourite human, and spending a few days playing with shelter pitbulls. <3 Otherwise, I’ve never really been on holiday. I went on a school trip to Germany once where I nearly got arrested and, when I was seven, I went to Malta and there was a hurricane. I remember wedging wet towels into the window frames and hoping we didn’t die, because we were on the twelfth floor and there was nowhere else to go. 

I did go to Norfolk with my mother for four days after her breast cancer diagnosis. Macmillan, a cancer charity that is very worthy of support, granted her a short break. There was a lot of playing dominos and trying to convince her she wasn’t actively dying at that precise moment.

56. Pair of trainers: Converse. All the ratty old Converse low tops in the world. 

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I have the house to myself right now. It’s awesome. I’m celebrating with homemade shiitake tofu stir fry, wontons, vegetable udon… and doughnuts. Not in the same bowl, though. 58. Drinking: Rum. 

59. I’m about to: Finish a short story, close out an editing project, format a print galley (again. Goddamnit, Adobe.), and try to finalise the running order of a poetry collection. Maybe send some emails, maybe eat the rest of those wontons.   61. Waiting for: The dizziness to go away, usually. 62. Want: The time, space, peace and quiet to focus on my work, and my health to cooperate long enough for that to happen. 63. Get married: As soon as possible, which basically means when we can afford it, because immigration, legal wrangling, and a ton of other bullshit. It’s a headache, but if there weren’t so many technical hurdles it would already be done.  64. Career: I write and make stuff. I’m doing it under a new name now, which is daunting, because it means starting over again, but I’ve spent the past few years doing a lot of genre fiction and being told my original work is “too original”… but I’m ready to say “fuck you” to that and see what I can carve out for myself. Come on, internet: don’t prove me wrong, ‘k? 65. Hugs or kisses: Ooh, tough. Yes? I guess hugs if I have to pick.   66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: I honestly don’t care, though I do very much enjoy short subs. Pocket rockets are adorable. 68. Older or younger: It really doesn’t matter. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I guess? Doesn’t really matter. It’s all pretty to look at, but who really cares? Arms are best for hugs. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. I don’t like too loud. 72. Hook up or relationship: Define the terms, yo. I’d say relationship, but the definition of “relationship” can be open to numerous things. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Um… possibly a bit of both, but more hesitant, probably.

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: No. 75. Drank hard liquor: Yup.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I once dropped a contact lens down the back of a gas fire and spent three hours getting it out with Vaseline on a paperclip. My vision is awful and I wore very expensive gas permeable lenses at the time. 77. Turned someone down: Yup. 78. Sex on the first date: Nothing wrong with it (and nothing wrong with sex being the date), but it’s not for me. 79. Broken someone’s heart: So they said. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes, but not how you might assume. 81. Been arrested: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died: Yep. 83. Fallen for a friend: A couple of times, with varying degrees of success.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: I try to, because few other people often do. (*the world’s tiniest violin plays*) 85. Miracles: Yes, sometimes in the form of coincidences, surprises, or the results of hard work. I believe in inverse miracles, too, when things go catastrophically wrong for no apparent reason. Or, as we call it at my house, Tuesday. 86. Love at first sight: Yes, in a way. Potential for love at first sight, I guess? I’ve usually found I know the moment I meet someone whether that’s a thing that’s going to happen or not. 87. Santa Claus: YES, DAMN IT. Okay, maybe not a literal dude in a red suit, but as a personification of the generous spirit of Non-Denominational-Winter-Solstice-and-Festival-of-Lights, he works. (I’m an eclectic neo-pagan/hedgewitch, but my most loved time of year is the whole October-February period, so I start celebrating Yule/Christmas around December 1st and don’t stop until Twelfth Night. I will take ALL of your symbolism, ALL your traditions, and – most importantly – ALL your festive foods and embrace them. In my belly. Thank you.)

88. Kiss on the first date: Probably. Unless it’s a baaaaad first date. 89. Angels: Again, not so much the literal sense, but it’d be nice to think there are positive presences looking out for us. I’d be very concerned about the serpent-like pillars of fire, though.  

OTHER:

90. Current best friends name: Aside from my dog, that’s my partner but they don’t like their details shared, so SHHHH IT’S A SECRET. 91. Eye color: grey-blue-thing 92. Favorite movie: You can’t just ask a person that at the end of the thing like it’s a simple question…! So. Many. Movies. Depends on the genre. The Blues Brothers, Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Gattaca, Silence of the Lambs, Re-Animator, Die Hard, Stand By Me, Sleepaway Camp, Alien, Lady in a Cage, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, TRHPS, The Great Escape… those are movies I can watch a billion times (and have done). Honorable mentions, depending on my mood, go to things like Basket Case, Caramel, An American Werewolf in London, Exterminating Angel, Secretary, Gran Torino… I could have done 92 questions just on the most popularist movies I like!

tagging: I’ve been away for a few days and I don’t wanna tag people who’ve already done it, so if you’re reading this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged! <3

#get to know me #personal #long post

[crossnecklace]

i was tagged by @fondleeds to write the first lines of my last 20 stories and see if there is any pattern! this is going to be horrendously formatted bc i dont have a computer at the moment rip. and i dont know if we’re supposed to include unposted fics but im going to anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ here goes:

rivers ‘til i reach you - It’s early evening on the first truly humid day in June, and summer brings hazy nights spent smelling like grass and heat.

the wheel breaks the butterfly - “Your turn,” Harry says, and passes Louis the wine glass.

nothin’ like this type of view - Harry stared blankly at his open laptop, sighing heavily.

like breathing was easy - It’s ten in the morning on a Saturday, and Harry is shivering from the bitter cold while his hands simultaneously sweat in his lap, but of one thing he is absolutely certain: he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing.

we’ve people to see (let’s put ‘em on hold) - Louis’ actually demoting Zayn to passing aquaintance.

they’re not the only ones crying (break up au, unposted) - “Harry, I want a divorce.” (lol)

uni au (untitled) - It’s a Tuesday night, and Harry has a long list of have-not’s. There’s the important ones, like how he hasn’t graduated sixth form let alone bothered to fill out a college application, and the less important ones, like how he’s yet to have gotten drunk to the point where he can’t stand or sleep with someone he regretted or make out with a teacher.

another uni au (untitled) - They meet in a bathroom. Well, no, they met in a kitchen actually, but the first time they talk, properly, Harry’s just finished retching into a toilet. In a bathroom. Naturally.

southern gothic au (untitled) - Pleasantville is exactly how Louis remembers it.

femslash au (untitled) - Louis is twenty-two. She hasn’t always been twenty-two, in fact, she’s been twenty-two for two hours and forty-eight minutes, but fuck, twenty-two feels good.

some of these i included the second line bc it turned out the first one was very, very anticlimactic. as for patterns, i find that a lot of the time the very first thing i do is define the place and/or time. i guess its a good starting point? lol

i dont know who to tag so ill tag anyone that wants to do it!

#thanks for tagging me this was fun <3<3 #my writing

[amorphousalien]

So, not that literally anyone cares, but here's the deal with that person that was harassing me all week. Waay back in the good ol days of mid 2015 (sarcasm, fuck 2015)- I was experiencing a lot of really intense, frequent Rick shifts that were making me near catatonically depressed and dissociated. After seeing the season 2 finale, they just got worse. So I opted to unfollow all the r/n/m blogs I was following, stay out of the tags, stop looking canonmates, etc pretty much everything but actually taking Rick off my kinlist because I wasn't coping with it well and I needed to take a break. I even put on several pages of my blog that I did not want /anyone/ kin from ric/kandmorty contacting me because at the time it was basically a trigger. Then I start getting messages fromsomeome kin with M/orty, asking to talk to me, compare memories, etc. I told them I didn't want to talk to anyone, that it was triggering, etc. I accidentally posted one of their asks publically instead of privately, because mobile sux, and wound up getting a slew of TERRIFYING messages from them saying shit like "How could you do this to me?? I trusted you!! You exposed us!! How could you do this why would you do this to us?? I'm going to have to delete my tumblr because of you, how could you do this, we trusted you!" I panicked, deleted the ask, apologized profusely, and was generally successfully guilt tripped into allowing this person to continue messaging me and probing me for information about my Rick kintype. For maybe 6 months, they continued talking to me. I would ignore them for as long as I could, but eventually caved and replied to them out of boredom or fear, or they'd send me a slew of guilt trippy messages apologizing for bothering me, saying they were such an awful person, they always did this, everyone hates them etc etc etc. After 6 months, I was accepted to Job Corps and told them I was leaving for school and would have no internet access until I graduated. About four months into school l, my parents bought me a phone and were paying for my service. I logged back into tumblr to find about twenty "Hey"s and "Hi"s and "Oh my god I'm so sorry I know you hate me I just don't know what to do I'm so awful I'm sorry for bothering you"s in my messages from them. I told them I was in school and wouldn't have time to message them very often. I wanted them to just leave me alone, but I didn't want to be outright mean and they weren't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk to them. Or maybe they were and that's why they'd send me that guilt trippy bullshit every few weeks. And unfortunately I was an anxious wreck having just escaped multiple physically, memtally, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationships at this point. So I was easily manipulated and desperate for friendship. Which they knew. I'd mentioned it briefly and had vented about it multiple times on my kin blog. Anywho. I came back from school after about 6 months. Tumblr had dome some weird update and I couldn't log into my account anymore (except from my ipad where I was still logged in). I remade my account and directed everyone to my new kin blog (this one). I'd kinda forgotten about them at this point, but when I remade my blog they started messaging me again. I was pretty worn down and still pretty desperate for friends. I was recovering from the depressive Rick shifts and started talking to them more and more about our canons, and eventually decided we were canonmates. By the time we'd 'known' each other for about a year, they'd mentioned to me multiple times that they were living in an abusive situation and needed to get out. Three things about that last sentence. 1. *Known: Our entire relationship was one of us (mostly them) messaging the other every few days, or even every couple of weeks, to say "Hey"-"Hi"-"How are you"-"Fine, you?"-"I'm ok" and then maybe they'd complain (extremely vaguely) about something going on at home. 2. Everything they said about their abuse was extremely vague. The most detail I could ever get was that the house they were living in was not being maintained and there was never any food. Which they blamed on their parents despite being a 20 year old adult. 3. I'd spent hours trying to give them help getting out. I looked up resource centers in their area, homeless shelters, disability, food stamps, offered to write their resume for them, etc etc etc. I was practically offering to do everything for them to get them on their feet, and they shot down my advice every single time. Around 11 months into our friendship, they told me they couldn't take being there anymore and they were going to run away. They didn't know where they were going, didn't care, kept talking about being homeless and living on the streets to get away from where they were now. So I told them to come to Colorado (where I live) so I could at least offer help in person. November of 2016, they bought a bus ticket and came to Colorado. I picked them up and took them to my apartment (a three bedroom townhouse I shared with three roommates. They were all upstairs, I lived in a sectioned off half-room behind the living room). At the time, I was working 40 hours a week at a thrift store making about 9$/h. This job was not only tearing my already chronically ill body apart, but was also causing weekly psychotic episodes and mental breakdowns. I was 3000$ in debt with my roommates. My rent was 400$/month and I was making maybe 700$/month. Even so. I was using all of my spare money feeding them, buying them a tracphone and service, toiletries, clothes, etc etc Despite how much I was spending on them, they were still asking for more food, expensive food, cigarettes, alcohol, and weed. And if I didn't say yes, they'd spiral into depressive episodes, hiding either in my room, the living room, or the bathroom, and cry. And then ask again twenty minutes later. Over. And over again. Until I said yes. They talked 24/7. Literally. 24/7. From the SECOND I came home from work til I went to bed. And frequently came into my room multiple times throughout the night to ask for cigarettes and weed. Despite the fact that I had to wake up at 6am for work. It got to the point where, despite being in constant physical pain and despite the mental break downs, I was volunteering for overtime at work every single day to afford to keep them fed and to just fucking avoid their non stop talking and guilt tripping. And this was not non stop conversing. It was non stop THEM talking. I didn't exist. I could not get a word in. They didn't expect me to reply except for an occasional "Isn't that funny/weird?" or "Do you ever do that that??". I basically clocked out mentally any time I was home. I wasn't a person to them. I was just expected to listen quietly to their thousand and one stories. I already made posts back when this started about what happened while they lived with me, so I'm not gonna go into any more detail. I don't remember most of it anyways. It was such an incredibly stressful point in my life, I developed a new alter in my system. I was rarely fronting. It was so bad, the alter that /never/ fronts, had to take over to deal with what was happening. This person has been stalking me from the second they found my blog, and five months after I kicked them out and blocked them, they're still stalking me. I had to install an ip tracker on my blog. They were checking my blog damn near 20 times a day and sending me 10 or more messages every day. I barely posted half of what I got. I was even so desperate as to text their mom to beg for help. I wanted this to end before it started. I never wanted to know them. I want nothing to do with them. I don't want to be dealing with this. I am an asocial agoraphobic shut-in. I don't want any part of this. I don't care what happens to them. I don't care what happens to Rain or Darcy or the 'KuroNekoClan'. All I was is for this to be over. I want to be left alone. I want to finish repressing everything about them. I want them to completely disappear from my memory. I have never hated nor been so terrified of someone as I am in regards to this person. I'm gonna go back to radio silence on this blog for a few more days just to be sure they're not still checking it. Everyone can still PM and I'll still reply to asks, but I'm not gonna be posting on here til I feel safe.

[childrencryinncoffee-blog]

My Dad Walked Away, Why Can't I?

I've been surviving on fumes the last few days and it's getting frustrating and I'm building a resentment. I'm worried about my mental health and it seems like no one cares, so I'm wondering why I should. I haven't taken any of my medications for the last week and if anyone's noticed, no one is saying anything. And this is where the resentment is building. My husband just worked the last 16 out of 24 hours and he is now in bed, sleeping, at 1pm, after arriving home at around 10am.

And lucky me, I just got a 90 minute break while writing because Ivy decided to scream from her MamaRoo and I had to stop and feed her again, even though she just nursed 45 minutes before. And of course Derrick gets up and I'm torn between guilt because I want him to sleep and resentment because of course he wants to sweep in and be the hero, suddenly, when I've been tired for days--but Ivy wants me, or she wanted my breasts at least.

But at least when I was done nursing her I could put her down and go eat. But even eating is pissing me off lately. I've gained 12 pounds in the last month and I don't know what to do about it. I work the hardest in this house to have the best and healthiest diet; vegetables, fruit, lean meats, nuts, seeds, non-dairy products, whatever I can eat to help with my supply AND be healthy for not just Ivy, but me too. And yet, I'm gaining weight. And fucking Derrick doesn't even have to try and he still looks like he's barely 20 and never had a kid. I look like I'm a tired obese, 45 year old woman, who's definitely birthed a half dozen or more kids. And I'm fucking tired, but it doesn't matter.

I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone who wasn't being generic; including my husband. It's funny; when people (my family) come over to visit and they strike up a conversation with Derrick, they always ask him how he is, how he's feeling, how work is treating him and they stir up this bravada in him to be more confident, work harder, ask for more pay, more hours, whatever. They ask about his artwork and what he's drawing lately and his new games, even though they don't understand them. Wanna know the conversation I get? Weight. The kids. And how my house is a mess because I don't know how to get on my kids to do a better job. I'm constantly reminded that I am a fat, lazy mom. Which makes my anxieties worse; because rather than relaxing, I'm more motivated to clean, straighten up, talk about the newest health trend and how even though I'm exhausted all the time, I'm trying to lose the weight. My husband can just grab a beer, or whatever and not think twice. I have to think about the calories, the carbs and the sugar. I usually get so upset about it, I self sabotage.

I haven't been sleeping well, nor taking my medications correctly, but no one asks me. The kids constant ask Derrick, "Dad, does your back hurt?" "Daddy, are you tired?" "Daddy do you have to work today?" "Dad does your shoulder hurt?"

Where's my concern? I hurt. I'm in pain. I'm exhausted.

I've been seeing things--literally--a tall, white man in my shower, spiders and snakes and a vicious wolf in the kids' room. I told all of this to Derrick. The conversation didn't even last 5 minutes. He asked to watch Jeopardy, but while I lay there, half pissed off at an ignored conversation, half pissed off that he was paying more attention to his phone than the show he just asked me to watch with him. I roll over and go to bed.

I've been dealing with thoughts of self-harm and suicide and even running away. I don't feel wanted or needed. I don't feel pursued or active affection. Derrick hadn't realized it'd been probably close to a year since he bought me flowers, until I made a snide remark and rather than him wanting to surprise his wife, he buys flowers the next morning out of guilt and I display them (happily) on Instagram--even though there was no geneuity. But I have to display this facade of a happy marriage because if I don't I'm reminded that all the negativity associated with it is my fault; I'm choosing to be negative, unhappy, displeased, I'm making something out of it. A bill comes up, we're short to pay it this week, because I was adamant to have oysters. We're short on gas money, I shouldn't have went and spent that $30 at NYX. We need more diapers, toilet paper and dish soap, but I was hoping to make new mom-friends and wasted $50 and the only new thing I ended up with was a virus. (Thanks lady who was sick and yet HAD to come ride in our carpool AND sit right next to me at the table, coughing on me all night, whining about her "cold", ya should've stayed home and NOT put me at risk to bring home this illness to my newborn).

I can't do anything about anything for the next few weeks, as we're fucking broke as hell. I can't "escape". I can't go get Starbucks, or walk through Target. I can't go to play dates. I can't even go to a DBSA meeting. The NAMI meeting was this morning, but Derrick got home late and we really don't have the gas money for me to drive across town anyway. I have no one to talk to---because the conversation is either ignored, dismissed or changed. That and I think my own family is full of stigmatic bullshit. They claim they understand my mental illness and how dangerous it could be...bullshit. If they cared about my mental well-being and me working my ass of to avoid PPP, they'd have an open dialogue with me about everything. We would talk about my stressors, insecurities and anxieties and not fall asleep or become distracted or just drop the subject. I'M NOT SLEEPING AND I'M FUCKING SEEING THINGS AND MY HUSBAND CARES MORE ABOUT HIS SHOULDER HURTING AND HIS SLEEP.

The last time I had a Mixed State of both Depression and Mania---I tucked the baby into bed, made sure everyone else was asleep and I got blackout drunk and mutilated my body. You'd think my husband would care about that NOT happening again; but the conversation always comes back around to making ME feel guilty because he has to work--which yeah, he does have to work to provide for the family he helped create--but his responsibilities don't stop there.

Why isn't my sleep a priority? And the guilt of watching him try to stay awake while holding the baby and nodding off or mid snore while his eyes are open, don't help me to relax. And trying to nap with him when he got home from work because I haven't slept either, but the baby woke up, so I had to get up. I had to demand my sleep at 4am Friday morning because I'd spent the previous 36 hours up and awake, feeding a baby nearly EVERY 30 minutes and so when Derrick shoved my shoulder to wake up and nurse her, I snapped and he walked his ass to the fridge to warm her some expressed breastmilk.

I'm the one with the diagnosed, medication-needed-for-stability, mental illness, but me being "okay" isn't a priority. The kids and my family all worry about Derrick all the time; how's he sleeping with a new baby, is he drowsy while driving, does his back and shoulder hurt, how'd his x-rays come out, when does he see the PM doctor, blah blah blah---of course I build a resentment. My mom thinks the band-aid of her watching the baby while I take ONE one hour nap is supposed to "cure" me. I live with Schizoaffective Disorder--my number one medication IS sleep. I'm pushing the envelope and walking the line daily. Fantasizing about both sleep and death. Derrick gets all the sympathy, let him truly run the entire household and then I won't be here to even complain about the sympathy.

I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see--a tired, worn out, grouchy bitch. Honestly, I am a bitch--Derrick's bosses say so, but rather than do anything about it, he kisses their ass because their opinions are actually worth something. I think about leaving all the time, and I KNOW if I spoke up about that to either Derrick or my mom, I'd have it thrown in my face that I'm being spoiled. And it's not even about having things my way, it is about FEELING like I am an important part of this family and actually want to be treated like a priority and not a fucking afterthought. I am, as a mother, expected to be a juggler of many balls; it's an expectation of me. Derrick is solely expected to be the breadwinner and head of household. That's it. Do you know how many different hats I wear and the only "rewards" I am rewarded with is adult conversations with my mom--conversations about losing weight, gaining weight, a new waist cincher, new diet pills, OR I am constantly reminded how my kids don't clean right, don't straighten right, don't do this right and I don't get on them enough. I just wanna leave.

But I know everyone will side with Derrick, even and especially my family--because I am "beyond lucky" to have a man like Derrick in my life and I should feel grateful and not have any complaints. The dude takes the time to learn all the special moves of his characters in all his video games; does he even know the name NOT THE BOOK, but the name of the author of my favorite book, nope.

And I keep making the mistake, like a hyper puppy, of TRYING to have a relationship with him; I tag him in articles or blogs I've read and found relatable and would like to discuss with him and I'm literally seen him swipe away the notification and ignore the tag and continue his game playing. I buy him books and they collect dust. Grant my books collect dust too, because I can't really juggle a book with pages that need turning and use my hands to keep my huge breasts off of Ivy's tiny nostrils while nursing her. And I'm so fucking exhausted, that one paragraph makes my eyes blink. But Derrick can spend 4 hours playing a video game.

The priorities in this house and so out of whack and I hate that I'm wavering at the edge of cliff; hanging on just for June 21 because that's my psychiatrist appointment. I can't rely on DBSA meetings because Derrick's fucked up schedule, or I'm just too exhausted, or there's no gas money. And I've been waiting and waiting for the CARES Program to call me back about finding me a new therapist, but nothing yet. SO I sit here, trying to hold on, talking myself down because no one else will, reminding myself that the 21st isn't too far away--but even when the 21st is here, what difference will that make? I don't see any changes within this household on the horizon at all. And that's really heartbreaking.

[complicatedlovestory15-blog]

DAY 1

 I just want to write about a complicated, crazy,i guess maybe love, story. It keeps on playing in my head on repeat so thought maybe penning it down might help, maybe it might stop playing in my head then...

So it was a weird fall, followed by a weirder winter, and i just couldn't wait for that winter to get over. I guess one of the loneliest winters ever. I moved to Toronto from Scarborough a year back and from Pakistan two years back. Met new people in downtown, became friends with them, started dating this guy just because i needed company but never felt attracted to him. I was 20 at that time and to be honest i never felt attracted to someone my whole life. There was never a single guy in my life that i met and i felt this uncontrollable attraction until i met him (ill tell about him soon). So i was dating this guy i met in the city for a few months, oh we were best friends for a year before that,he begged me for a year to date him, i guess he honestly just wanted a label, a tag so he can tell others, anyways i never even felt like touching him ever. The whole idea of sex and make outs kind of always made me uncomfortable. I think maybe it had to do with my culture and background.That mental block that touching a guy is a huge sin or you will get stoned to death if you do, i mean there were so many stories of honour killing around as well... scary, i know. Then again that mental block was never there when i kissed him ( will tell soon), he was the first guy i ever touched, i wish i can erase that feeling from my head forever but i cant, That’s the only feeling i know of, loving him, his touch, every other touch feels foreign, like somehow its his something that i’m allowing someone else to touch, like i’m not allowed to feel for anyone else, even if i think maybe i might, my first instinct is to run back to him. I don’t know how to feel like that again...

So that whole year was pretty okay i guess, started off with me going to my first party, and having someone around just because i didn't want to be lonely even though i had no attraction towards him, but in my defence he begged me to go out with him. The whole year was horrible, i messed up my grades and partied like crazy, and by the time i realized it was kind of late but not too late. i went back to Pakistan, spent time with my family and cleared my head. I came back broke up with that guy, i was never emotionally involved with him but losing a friend always felt weird. I’m always sad when i lose friends but that sadness is temporary, weirdly i forget and move on really easily until this time.. until him....Anyways i cut myself off from all my downtown friends and well became an introvert i guess. 

I focused on school, got my grades back and tried feeling less hollow. That hollowness never went away to be honest until i met him. I found out that the guy i broke up with was cheating on me the whole time anyways as he was sleeping with another girl. Guys are so fucked up sometimes to be honest.He wanted to be with me because he wanted a good looking girl to show off to his friends. Sometimes being decent looking is a curse as well i think, because most of the time your value is like a trophy or a decoration piece that one wants to show off, nothing more. Hence since i was never ready to get physically involved with him (or any guy) he found a solution to that. I guess i was kind of devastated a little in the beginning but as soon as i met him (main person of the story) it felt like that part of my life never even existed, like that story was never there. 

I was frustrated and bored. i moved to this disgusting little apartment for 2 months as i was looking to buy a place and that was the only thing i could find immediately for just 2 months. I was living in a den, the place reeked, literally because my roommate had cats. Anyways so it was summer and i was bored so i downloaded tinder. Did not really want to meet someone serious through that but thought of being a little adventurous and meet new people and have fun ( not that kind of fun). I had 2 or 3 matches because quite honestly tinder is the most time consuming and boring thing ever. So anyways i matched with this guy from Lahore ( same home town as me). Was okay looking (if you ask me now ahhh, that the only face i want to wake up to, apparently men learn to love the person they are attracted to, while women become more and more attracted to the person that they love, i guess thats what happened to me lol, now i can’t get over his face.), so we started chatting, he asked me to meet him a couple of times but quite at that time i didn't find him attractive enough so i kept on making excuses until finally i commit to meet him at Nando’s across from my home.My friend came over that day and i remember i told her i’m going to meet a guy at Nando’s but will be back in 15 minutes.I didn’t even notice those fifteen minutes turing into hours.Time way flying and all i wished that night was to be stuck in that moment with him forever. I guess if we both could we might want that, to be stuck in that night forever, when we both met for the first time.Before all the fights and the breakups, when we didn’t need any reason to fall in love, we just did, that moment, that very night, without even realizing just wishing for more time with each other. Even tough its been almost two years, i can still recall that moment as if it was yesterday, all the things we talked about, my cheeks flushing with excitement, it felt like he was somebody i had been waiting for my whole life, waiting to tell him the story of my life, from start to the end. I had so much to tell him but not enough time.Our stories just kind of intertwined, the past how we shared similar childhood memories ( his dad was from the same hometown as my mom) and future ambitions and so much, i feel like he never understood that i was a younger version of himself going through the same stages as him and would eventually find my path just like he did, we were mirror images of each other, he was just a few years ahead of me. I had never been that excited around a guy, that instant connection, like he was made for me... i wish that can happen again, it never did before him and i’m losing on the hope that it ever will. 

Anyways i remember i was wearing a floral blue dress that day and he was wearing a polo shirt, siting on the last window table towards the right waiting. It was such a pleasant night, the beginning of summer 2015, i walked inside the restaurant awkwardly trying to find my so called date. He had salt and pepper hair, a mix of black and white, i actually never saw that happening to be honest, me and him, that one day i will be writing about us. (This is my first time writing a diary etc as well, sometimes i wish i never fell in love and life was just the way it was, boring and simple.. ). I walked towards him and we sat down, ordered food, (he caught me taking selfie lol, i wasn’t really too worried about making a good impression), i remember i was kind of nervous as it was my first tinder date, so i ordered the easiest dish to eat on the menu, LIVER, i mean i didn’t even like liver lol, o h the unease of biting on that liver was balanced by the comfort of his company..  and then we started talking and gosh we talked, so much like i never not have stories to tell him,he was my boyfriend my friend and everything, we talked so much until we stopped finally. My friend was waiting ,it had been way past fifteen minutes, hours actually, but i just couldn’t leave, i had so much to tell him, i was waiting my whole life to meet him and tell him all that i had to. So i asked him to come over and meet my friend which he agreed to. Sometimes i think people are really good at putting on an act to impress other people, hence making it so difficult to trust them, or maybe they are genuinely like that but time and experiences make them bitter, i remember i was going to waste my food but he insisted on getting it packed and giving it to a homeless person, which kind of really impressed me. We walked to my building and i asked him to wait downstairs. My heart was beating in a weird way i couldn't possibly explain and my cheeks were red as i hurried up the elevator to tell my best friend the news. As soon as i opened the door, the first words that came out of my mouth were ‘ Resh, i found the one!’... 

She literally gave a big laugh until she taunted me on finding my soulmate off of tinder. Now when we talk about it, she always says that she never really believed that it would turn into something until it did. We went out for sheesha and i still had so many things to tell him. He was so much like me in so many ways. Oh i remember i was binge watching friends those days and i saved this snapchat of Chandler wearing a jays hat and guess what he had the same snap (okay i know its not a big deal, but at that moment it felt like a sign from God lolol.. kidding ). Well the night was getting lighter and we finally had to make our way home. He went his way and i went mine ... P.S that asshole didn’t walk me home! lol.... but i was meeting him the next day again yayyyy....

I THINK I WILL WRITE THIS STORY DAY TO DAY .. SO THIS WAS THE FIRST DAY.... DAY 2 Tomorrow...