complicatedlovestory15-blog - Tumblr blog

complicatedlovestory15-blog · 7 years

Text

Day 2

Left right, left right, hoping it will happen again, hoping to repeat the story, it’s 8am and I’m wide awake thinking about the past. Wishing I could relive it, maybe do things differently this time.A part of me doesn’t want to go back, why? Because it hurts. It hurts thinking about all the times I cried.but a part of me is scared and tired. Tired of meeting people you don’t want to meet. Tired of hoping to connect with someone the same way. Tired of trying. I know it won’t happen anymore. It’s been two years since I met him. In 23 years it happened only once.When you’re young you just believe there will be many people with whom you’ll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times, and In my case just once. More than tiring it’s frustrating, a part of me isn’t ready to move on maybe, you’re looking at the guy, everything about him is nice but somehow you can’t wait for the conversation to get over and leave. You’re comparing him to your ex, you can’t stop thinking about the past and worse when you can’t stop talking about it. People think it’s sad but maybe it’s not, maybe this is my happy.

Anyways continuing from where we left. I’ve never had this, where I meet someone and I just can’t wait to see him again. Most of the time I honestly don’t care if I do or don’t, I don’t care about that persons existence in my life, but this time I did. I told him I’m going to the same event as him and maybe we will meet at the event. My friend was over, we woke up, went for breakfast , I wore a plain floral summer dress that day. Right when we were about to leave I forgot to print the ticket so I sent the ticket to him to print. Funny how I knew he wasn’t someone you can’t trust (you can’t actually) but l just wanted to trust him, he didn’t really break my trust in a conventional way but there were things that I’ll bring up later. He waited for me outside the venue since I was late as usual. He was just so comfortable, there was never a moment of awkwardness. It was like a puzzle piece that just fit. Reminds me of those two piece magnetic necklaces. He joined me and my friend, and stayed with us through out the ferry ride. I have this habit of wearing mismatching socks, most people don’t pay attention to that but that was the first thing he noticed under my black vans. We were joined by his friends later on. It was cute how he wasn’t shy about me, he’s always shown me off like it was something he achieved maybe and as fucked up as it may sound I felt good about it. He never hesitated introducing me to people, in fact there were times he’d forcefully Introduce me to people lol. The cutest thing about that day was how I was the centre of his attention. All his friends were there but he didn’t care, he just wanted to be around me. I was making random jokes that day, I tend to do that when I’m a bit nervous, and he found all my lame jokes funny. One that I can remember that he particularly enjoyed was the dowry one, where people had kept their belongings at random spots on the ground and I joked why have the left their dowry everywhere. I think anyone else would have found it lame, but he somehow enjoyed my lame jokes, couldn’t stop laughing over it and repeating it. I thought that was adorable. I finally met someone who thinks I’m funny. His friends wanted to be around him but he didn’t care, he was with me the whole time. We introduced me to all his friends and when I insisted on moving from the VIP area he didn’t even complain (I wish things stayed the same, he was never the same again, someone who wouldn’t complain, someone who appreciated me the way he did initially, I think that first week is always the best part of relationships. It’s all downhill from there).i remember we were trying to get something out of the water, he kept on pouring out the water in order to get it out to which I suggested squeezing the bottle instead, and I lt worked! He could stop telling me how he thought I was smart, anyone else would have thought that maybe he was trying to get in my pants but he didn’t even try to do that! He just appreciated me like no one else ( but sadly it was just the first few days).Oh another cute moment, I was scared of getting lost in the crowd so I asked him if I could hold his hand. That big giant soft hand of his. He didn’t show any expressions on his face but quickly grabbed my hand and started to make his way into the crowd. I know it’s sounds cheesy and cliche but I could actually feel my heart beat race, it felt weird but a very nice weird. That even happens? I wasn’t in high school, I wasn’t a teenager anymore but at that moment I became one. There was something there I couldn’t figure out. We finally got to the front of the stage and started dancing, he joked about the black shades I wore while dancing, but none of his jokes were mean at that time, all were just funny.There wasn’t a single thing he said that offended my how guys nowadays do, something or the other would be a huge turnoff but not in his case. Maybe he was really good at his game. Anyways we spent most of that night dancing, he stayed with me ahh my friend the whole night till the event was over. I could finally be comfortable the way I was around someone, no more pretending to be someone I wasn’t. He didn’t judge me, he didn’t care. He accepted me, I didn’t have to pretend, THAT IS HONESTLY THE BEST FEELING EVER. I didn’t have to try to impress him, I didn’t have to hide anything from him, he was okay with who I was. I can tell him I like partying and he would party with me, I finally found my partner in crime. Someone I can do everything I enjoy with. How many people get that? Rare few… the lucky ones… how many people get that and lose it?.. the unfortunate ones. We made our way to the boat after the event was done and while we were sitting on the boat I found myself resting my head on his shoulder… what.. I’ve never done that before, I’ve never been that comfortable with someone that fast. It’s like that feeling you get when you finally get something that’s yours, like something that was meant for you but your mother stored it away keeping it safe until its finally the right time for you to have it. Maybe I did that without hesitation was because he was mine anyways right. I caught myself by surprise too when I realized my head was leaning on his shoulder so comfortably and his arm on my leg and i didn’t find anything wrong or uncomfortable about it. We ubered home, he went to his place and I went to mine. I remember he asked me if I wanted to hangout but I was too tired so he called me instead, it was around 1am, and we ended that phone call around 8am and finally went to sleep. Funnily there was still so much to tell each other and hear from each other that we decided to meet later that day. A connection that strong? Doesn’t that only happens in movies?

0 notes

complicatedlovestory15-blog · 7 years

Text

DAY 1

I just want to write about a complicated, crazy,i guess maybe love, story. It keeps on playing in my head on repeat so thought maybe penning it down might help, maybe it might stop playing in my head then...

So it was a weird fall, followed by a weirder winter, and i just couldn't wait for that winter to get over. I guess one of the loneliest winters ever. I moved to Toronto from Scarborough a year back and from Pakistan two years back. Met new people in downtown, became friends with them, started dating this guy just because i needed company but never felt attracted to him. I was 20 at that time and to be honest i never felt attracted to someone my whole life. There was never a single guy in my life that i met and i felt this uncontrollable attraction until i met him (ill tell about him soon). So i was dating this guy i met in the city for a few months, oh we were best friends for a year before that,he begged me for a year to date him, i guess he honestly just wanted a label, a tag so he can tell others, anyways i never even felt like touching him ever. The whole idea of sex and make outs kind of always made me uncomfortable. I think maybe it had to do with my culture and background.That mental block that touching a guy is a huge sin or you will get stoned to death if you do, i mean there were so many stories of honour killing around as well... scary, i know. Then again that mental block was never there when i kissed him ( will tell soon), he was the first guy i ever touched, i wish i can erase that feeling from my head forever but i cant, That’s the only feeling i know of, loving him, his touch, every other touch feels foreign, like somehow its his something that i’m allowing someone else to touch, like i’m not allowed to feel for anyone else, even if i think maybe i might, my first instinct is to run back to him. I don’t know how to feel like that again...

So that whole year was pretty okay i guess, started off with me going to my first party, and having someone around just because i didn't want to be lonely even though i had no attraction towards him, but in my defence he begged me to go out with him. The whole year was horrible, i messed up my grades and partied like crazy, and by the time i realized it was kind of late but not too late. i went back to Pakistan, spent time with my family and cleared my head. I came back broke up with that guy, i was never emotionally involved with him but losing a friend always felt weird. I’m always sad when i lose friends but that sadness is temporary, weirdly i forget and move on really easily until this time.. until him....Anyways i cut myself off from all my downtown friends and well became an introvert i guess.

I focused on school, got my grades back and tried feeling less hollow. That hollowness never went away to be honest until i met him. I found out that the guy i broke up with was cheating on me the whole time anyways as he was sleeping with another girl. Guys are so fucked up sometimes to be honest.He wanted to be with me because he wanted a good looking girl to show off to his friends. Sometimes being decent looking is a curse as well i think, because most of the time your value is like a trophy or a decoration piece that one wants to show off, nothing more. Hence since i was never ready to get physically involved with him (or any guy) he found a solution to that. I guess i was kind of devastated a little in the beginning but as soon as i met him (main person of the story) it felt like that part of my life never even existed, like that story was never there.

I was frustrated and bored. i moved to this disgusting little apartment for 2 months as i was looking to buy a place and that was the only thing i could find immediately for just 2 months. I was living in a den, the place reeked, literally because my roommate had cats. Anyways so it was summer and i was bored so i downloaded tinder. Did not really want to meet someone serious through that but thought of being a little adventurous and meet new people and have fun ( not that kind of fun). I had 2 or 3 matches because quite honestly tinder is the most time consuming and boring thing ever. So anyways i matched with this guy from Lahore ( same home town as me). Was okay looking (if you ask me now ahhh, that the only face i want to wake up to, apparently men learn to love the person they are attracted to, while women become more and more attracted to the person that they love, i guess thats what happened to me lol, now i can’t get over his face.), so we started chatting, he asked me to meet him a couple of times but quite at that time i didn't find him attractive enough so i kept on making excuses until finally i commit to meet him at Nando’s across from my home.My friend came over that day and i remember i told her i’m going to meet a guy at Nando’s but will be back in 15 minutes.I didn’t even notice those fifteen minutes turing into hours.Time way flying and all i wished that night was to be stuck in that moment with him forever. I guess if we both could we might want that, to be stuck in that night forever, when we both met for the first time.Before all the fights and the breakups, when we didn’t need any reason to fall in love, we just did, that moment, that very night, without even realizing just wishing for more time with each other. Even tough its been almost two years, i can still recall that moment as if it was yesterday, all the things we talked about, my cheeks flushing with excitement, it felt like he was somebody i had been waiting for my whole life, waiting to tell him the story of my life, from start to the end. I had so much to tell him but not enough time.Our stories just kind of intertwined, the past how we shared similar childhood memories ( his dad was from the same hometown as my mom) and future ambitions and so much, i feel like he never understood that i was a younger version of himself going through the same stages as him and would eventually find my path just like he did, we were mirror images of each other, he was just a few years ahead of me. I had never been that excited around a guy, that instant connection, like he was made for me... i wish that can happen again, it never did before him and i’m losing on the hope that it ever will.

Anyways i remember i was wearing a floral blue dress that day and he was wearing a polo shirt, siting on the last window table towards the right waiting. It was such a pleasant night, the beginning of summer 2015, i walked inside the restaurant awkwardly trying to find my so called date. He had salt and pepper hair, a mix of black and white, i actually never saw that happening to be honest, me and him, that one day i will be writing about us. (This is my first time writing a diary etc as well, sometimes i wish i never fell in love and life was just the way it was, boring and simple.. ). I walked towards him and we sat down, ordered food, (he caught me taking selfie lol, i wasn’t really too worried about making a good impression), i remember i was kind of nervous as it was my first tinder date, so i ordered the easiest dish to eat on the menu, LIVER, i mean i didn’t even like liver lol, o h the unease of biting on that liver was balanced by the comfort of his company.. and then we started talking and gosh we talked, so much like i never not have stories to tell him,he was my boyfriend my friend and everything, we talked so much until we stopped finally. My friend was waiting ,it had been way past fifteen minutes, hours actually, but i just couldn’t leave, i had so much to tell him, i was waiting my whole life to meet him and tell him all that i had to. So i asked him to come over and meet my friend which he agreed to. Sometimes i think people are really good at putting on an act to impress other people, hence making it so difficult to trust them, or maybe they are genuinely like that but time and experiences make them bitter, i remember i was going to waste my food but he insisted on getting it packed and giving it to a homeless person, which kind of really impressed me. We walked to my building and i asked him to wait downstairs. My heart was beating in a weird way i couldn't possibly explain and my cheeks were red as i hurried up the elevator to tell my best friend the news. As soon as i opened the door, the first words that came out of my mouth were ‘ Resh, i found the one!’...

She literally gave a big laugh until she taunted me on finding my soulmate off of tinder. Now when we talk about it, she always says that she never really believed that it would turn into something until it did. We went out for sheesha and i still had so many things to tell him. He was so much like me in so many ways. Oh i remember i was binge watching friends those days and i saved this snapchat of Chandler wearing a jays hat and guess what he had the same snap (okay i know its not a big deal, but at that moment it felt like a sign from God lolol.. kidding ). Well the night was getting lighter and we finally had to make our way home. He went his way and i went mine ... P.S that asshole didn’t walk me home! lol.... but i was meeting him the next day again yayyyy....

I THINK I WILL WRITE THIS STORY DAY TO DAY .. SO THIS WAS THE FIRST DAY.... DAY 2 Tomorrow...

0 notes