#but the inability to let go of grief because it’s so difficult to let go in fear of forgetting who or what you’re grieving

[ntaras]

we could talk about how hanzo’s rage is a metaphor for his grief and trauma and his title of scorpion represents his difficulty to let go of his anger how he can never stop mourning his past because he refuses to stop mourning and how kuai liang’s taking of the mantle is representative of the ability to move forward rather than be stuck in constant mourning of the brother he lost. we could also talk about how hanzo’s protection over kuai liang was out of guilt of how hanzo could not stop himself from allowing emotion to control him and killing bi-han, and his ability to allow kuai liang to live instead of exacting more blindness vengeance allowed kuai liang to prosper and grow and end the years of rivalry between their clans.

#they both handle their trauma so differently yet they are both connected because of trauma that ties them to each other #it’s also why scorpion and kuai liang work so well as allies and not just scorpion and bihan/scorpion and sub-zero #i really miss hanzo lmao. the way he grieves is so satisfying because even if he can’t escape it the story also shows he doesn’t want to #escape it. and you know i think that’s how a lot of people grieve #or at least i do #but the inability to let go of grief because it’s so difficult to let go in fear of forgetting who or what you’re grieving #and then it just eats you up your whole life #and then in mk11 older hanzo is able to have a hold on his emotions even if he’s still in mourning and him having to die in his younger #self’s arms because there was no other way to tell him that he HAS to mourn in another way that does not destroy himself #not like *verbally* tell him but that’s what that scene felt like to me #but also he did tell him to accept the new (the reborn shirai ryu) instead of living forever in anguish of the past taken away from him #idk. i just think hanzo’s really neat #and his role as scorpion parallel to kuai liang is what made them *them* #they complement each other #scorpion #kuai liang #talking;

[1ovede1uxe]

02. the sun┊ ┊⋆ beyond the stars

quick author note: the episode the sun was just difficult to write, so I kinda danced around it, apologies. this chapter is going to set up the next one :)

You all sat there in the car, almost kind of awkwardly, only almost, as you were the only point of tension. Ever since you woke up from your car nap, that is. Conversation seemed to be flowing and you waking up was a dam in the river. Now awake, what a better way to pass time than to resort to a twitter scroll? You don’t notice it initially, but Jotaro surely does peek over at your screen. He sees your feed of some stan twitter, art, and American news.

There’s absolutely no fucking way.

You stifle a small laugh, but apparently not very well. From what it seems to you, Jotaro flutters his eyes open from the seat next to you. “Can you keep it down? What’s so funny you have to wake me up anyways…” You quickly bookmark a tweet and then send it to someone named Mariah. Unbeknownst to you, Jotaro takes note of this. “Oh, sorry..” You awkwardly apologize. “I just thought it was funny that Dio has twitter.” Jotaro keeps his unamused look and mutters a trademark “good grief.” He too, begins to scroll, then type.

God, I feel like he doesn’t trust me, which y’know, fair enough, but I don’t want him to dislike me either way, it’s gonna cause problems for them and me.

Having been lost in thought, you didn’t even notice Kakyoin in the seat next you take out his earbuds and peak over your shoulder “Hm, Let me see.” You happily oblige, rotating yourself toward Kakyoin, your thigh pressed against his (the middle seat is a tight fit). You scroll through his account and chuckle at his inability to grasp modern culture, let alone social media. After a fleeting moment of shared humor, Polnareff groans after waking up from a front seat nap. “Are we thereee yet?” He drags out. “Fifteen minutes, everybody.” Mr Joestar announces from the drivers seat. You sideeye at Kakyoin on his phone, not out of judgement, but just observing.

I’m not going to lie, he honestly is kinda attractive. To be fair, so is Jotaro but there’s something about Kakyoin…

Once he notices, he quickly shuts off his phone.

Odd.

Conveniently, the car pulls to a stop and Mr. Joestar rushes you all out. Next thing you know, you’re hoisted on camel back.

— The Events of the Episode/Chapter “The Sun” take place —

You send a reaction Mariah’s message and put your phone in the night stand. After the incidents of today, your bones ached, and though you were treated to dinner and many glasses of water, there was still that dry tickle at the back of your throat. The clock ticked on the wall and it was all you could focus on in your room at the inn. You were restless. It felt like you were waiting for something to happen. Your mind raced with thoughts of today, your mother, why you were even here, how you got roped into all of this. “I need air.” You spoke, as if to excuse yourself from your own thoughts. You sat yourself at the small table just outside the Inn door, between your room and the room adjacent. The moon shined brightly upon you. What you didn't expect was the room right next to yours to creak open the door and sit across from you.

left it on a cliffhanger because I didn't want the chapter to be too long! I hope all your holidays were wonderful, I'm very excited for the new year to start, prob gonna make it a resolution to finish this fic and also work on my writing skills otherwise lol. Thank you all for the love this fic is recieving As always, taglist is open by request through askbox.

previous chapter // next chapter // masterlist

#not too happy with this chapter #but the next chapter should hopefully be better #considering the end of this chapter is setting up the next #beyond the stars #jjba #jojo no kimyō na bōken #jojos bizarre adventure #joseph joestar #jotaro kujo #noriaki kakyoin #stardust crusaders #smau #modern au #social media au #jjba smau #kakyoin x reader #noriaki kakyoin x reader

[beansprean]

Your post about Nandor and alexthymia actually goes with a theory that I've been thinking about. The theory is that ALL vampires, when they are turned, lose their empathy, along with outgrowths of it, like theory of mind and understanding of emotion in general. This lack mostly applies to humans, but it can also extend to vampires.

Throughout the show (and a lot of the movie), all the vampires have trouble fitting into society. Not because of their fangs or grey skin, but because they are painfully socially awkward. Vampires not only flout social norms, but also seem to be unaware of them. You can see this with Nandor at the gym. He doesn't pick up on modern gym norms, and instead enacts the norms from when he was human.

That's one of their methods for fitting into society without theory of mind. When they turned into vampires, they lost the ability to pick up on human social cues, so they think back to when they did have them, and instead of remembering the way they read humans, they simply remember the rules. They don't feel anymore, so they use rules to compensate. This is when they try to fit in.

When they don't try, they don't bother with the pretense. They are completely unable to put themselves in humanity's shoes. You can see this in the movie, in a particularly memeorable moment. The vampires like to play tricks of the visitors by turning spaghetti into worms, when the guests are eating it. There are two guests, and right after she saw the vampires play the trick on the other guest, they try it again. Now, this was played as a humorous moment, but it does exemplify the vampires' inability to conceptualize human minds.

But, vampires are capable of change, as we see in the show. The vampires actually show a rudimentary form of empathy to Guillermo on occasion. I'm thinking of Nadja's moment of empathy with Guillermo, right after she lets his family go. She says something like 'I suppose I didn't like it when my family was murdered, so I guess Guillermo won't like it either'. That's empathy, that's perspective-taking, but it's rudimentary—it sounds like a thought a toddler would come up with, when first starting to conceptualize other minds. Their sense of human empathy has been reversed and stunted.

This is one of the main reasons for vampiric immaturity in the show. We don't see any of the elegant, manipulative vampires that are so prevalent in other media. They are evil, yes, but out of carelessness and inability. None of them can manipulate a human to save their lives. The vampires are also unable to empathize with other vampires, to a lesser extent. Because when a vampire dies, and other vampires are horrified, the horror stems from logical self-preservation. The reaction to these deaths is overwhelmingly 'meh' and 'against the code'. There's some rituals of grief (that memorial from the Theatre, for example) but they lack emotional subtext. This selfishness and lack of grief can also stems from an underdeveloped sense of empathy.

(A note on Nadja and Lazlo: they do have a persistent understanding of each other, but that still tends towards the simple. Note Lazlo killing Jeff because he makes Nadia sad. Also note Nadja brushing past Laszlo's objections to the UK by making a surface level read of his motivations: the vow doesn't matter because now they are more powerful. Luckily, this works for both of them because the receptive partner sees it the same way. This is an example of this rudimentary empathy expanding to their own minds as well, i.e. alexthymia)

There are a lot more examples of this in the text, those were just the ones I noticed. But anyway, this is why I agree with a lot of the fandom wanting to give prizes to the vampires for basic human decency. Because they are not human, their minds have changed and made decency a lot more difficult. Few people realize how much we depend on those centers of our minds for functioning in society and being in relationships; we only notice when coming upon the glaring lack of those centers. And there is a lot more to say about this, but this is really long already. I might write an essay.

This is SUPER INTERESTING

I would counter, however, and I'm not sure if this was your intended meaning, that these things do not automatically happen to vampires upon their turning. Instead, their sense of empathy is damaged and warped by hundreds of years of disassociating themselves from humanity, generally facing no consequences for their actions, and needing to kill to survive.

Kinda like billionaires

#vampires are cooler than billionares tho #djdjejeodk #anonymous

[quickhacked]

// ocs as types of suffering. [x]

tagged by; @adelaidedrubman, @shellibisshe, @thedeadthree, @katsigian, @devilbrakers, @dameayliins, @envergothash and @hibernationsuit, thank you so much!! tagging; @reaperkiller, @dickytwister, @velocitic, @secondsundering, @ncytiri and YOU!

SELF INADEQUACY.

you crack under the weight of your own percieved inability. how can you be enough for anyone else when you're just barely enough for yourself? insecurity causes you to have little back-bone, and so you fail to reach your full potential when it comes to what you're best at. you sabotage opportunities with fear you'll fail before you've begun. it hurts to never feel like your best is enough, but setting your standards too high or too low ensures it

director's commentary: aubrey very much lacks self confidence even if it might not be apparent from the way he acts. he puts on a performance so people won't truly know the real him in hopes they won't be disappointed by what they find; but because of that he struggles making the connections he so desperately wants to have with other people

YEARNING.

the pain in your chest bubbles knowing that what you want may never be yours. you're lost in a fantasy world, or consumed by what you wish you were or had as opposed to what you do. it's hard to appreciate what's around you when you're appreciating the hope of what could be instead

director's commentary: cassidy has always been yearning for everything. to get his family back, to have friends, to have a partner, to just be able to live in the way everyone else is able to live, to not have to be scared of dying at a young age. he can get envious easily because of it and gets stuck inside his own head a lot that way, but this settles down when he finds people who finally stick around

LONELINESS.

your heart feels full of the connection you feel you lack. no matter how many people are around you, strangers or not… someone is missing. you don't know who, what, or if you'll ever find them. you're unsure if there's a person out there who'll really satisfy your life, so really what's the point of continuing to look?

director's commentary: in a very literal sense, hanan is living parallel to the life she always hoped she would have. the two people that matter to her the most are right there with her but both of them are in love with someone else; and with her too to an extent but it's not the same as she had hoped for

THE GIVER.

your energy depletes as you hand it out to anyone passing by your basket. people walk by and take, but no one ever leaves. you're constantly running on low when people keep asking you to give. you'd give your soul away for free, and then what left do you have of yourself if you can't say no?

director's commentary: luna has a tendency to put other people's needs before their own and it causes them to be running on fumes way too easily these days. she loves helping out; but letting other people in is still difficult for her and it doesn't really occur to her she's only got so much left to give until it's already too late

DESPAIR.

the tunnel never had a light. you wish for nothing because you know you'll receive nothing, and your hopes died out long ago. the only thing that keeps you going is the thrill of emptiness you feel when things don't turn out your way. it's bitter. it's proof. proof that you don't feel this way for nothing

director's commentary: for a pretty long time, reid is stuck in a pit of despair of his own making, consequences of his actions as well as a self-destructive thought loop he's stuck in because of his grief, regret and shame. and in a way it's addicting; proven to be right, even in the darkest of times, feels good, no matter what that means for the rest of his well-being

#tag games #ask:aubrey #ask:cassidy #ask:hanan #ask:luna #ask:reid #reid's result is so edgy. of course you're addicted to your own misery you dumb cunt. he gets better though dw about it #aubrey's result is so. ouughh. like i KNEW but also i wasn't expecting THAT to be his result. but yeah it tracks

[plaguery]

6, 7, 20, and 23 for Lurley!

6. How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

this is a difficult question because it is really dependent on the situation. lurley always weighs pros and cons (dont let this fool you into thinking she makes good decisions. its only her idea of a pro and a con). general rule of thumb is that she's going to figure out if whatever it is will ultimately benefit the outcome that she's aiming for--and if it is, it would not be hard at all to convince her to do it.

lurley already has a list of bad behavior that she knows deep down is wrong, but she denies it to herself. basically, even if it's a huge leap, as long as you can convince her it will get the "right result", you may need to push but you'll ultimately get her to do it and she'll just let "logical" denial and dissociation take care of the rest.

7. What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

lurley is newer (literally a 2023 baby), so this is a bit harder as she's been pretty consistent since i made her. in her early early development, she was intended to be less dysfunctional and more prissy but that was quickly scrapped. (i love dysfunction forever and ever if thats not already apparent

other than that, i dont think anything has really changed about her per se, but more that i began to understand her better as i've developed her. originally, when i created the pair of lurley and evonya, the idea was that evonya was a highly developed "dark fantasy" like persona that lurley was using on a secondary account (and that persona itself was just one of a set). lurley's investment in evonya was a crucial coping mechanism for her. technically, my intention was not to create a system but. a few months ago i realized made a system. so now we have Official plural host lurley (but she always just. Was)

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

soooooooooooooo this question is beautiful because Yes she fucking does get jealous all the fucking time but she doesnt realize she does. well, more that she refuses to recognize it. shes jealous towards her coworkers, jealous towards the strangers she watches and/or records, jealous towards fellow fic writers, incredibly jealous towards anyone who gets any of pomene's genuine attention. i think if you gave her enough time in a room alone she could find a way to be jealous of the paint on the wall.

and this typically manifests through all her meddling. lurley does everything she can to suppress the actual emotions and in so doing, she convinces herself instead that there are problems in people's lives that are not there or exaggerates their problems and appoints herself as their resident problem solver. if her jealousy gets to a fever pitch, she starts tripping over her own logic and her threads start to visibly unfurl.

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

grief and yearning are the hardest emotions for her to both process and express. and naturally, they go hand in hand. lurley cannot accept that anyone has hurt her, is hurting her, and she is stunted in processing that pain and loss. and without doing that, she cant really process the fact that desiring anything is okay, that wanting things to fill what is missing (even good or bad) is something that is acceptable. and in her inability to process and accept these things, she shoves them to the side and leaves them inaccessible for expression.

heres a lurleycore image to close out

#again she/her for consistency's sake. again because we're mostly talking about the she/her phase anyway #lurley

[onewholivesinloops]

abt your last meta post, I totally agree and it got me thinking about the theory that maybe satoko develops a sort of. Subconsious resentment? Towards Rika, who always benefited from the social systems that abused satoko both in higurashi and at Lucia's, and that feeling comes up in the teppei arc? Idk, but that could be a reason she thinks rika sinned?

Maybe! I think this is an interesting idea and I have so many thoughts about this! I'll try to explain but I'll basically be word vomiting so sorry if it doesn't make much sense at the end.

I think Satoko has been basically loving being bad because she's reveling in the power and control it's giving her but this can only go so far until Tatariakashi where it's going to run up into all of her childhood trauma about being unwanted, a burden and her internalized idea that her existence only worsens everyone's lives so it would make sense for the shift from carefree witch who wants to enjoy looping in June of 1983 forever to the vengeful witch who wants to break Rika's mind to occur then (presumably so they can live in Satoko's perfect June of 1983 for eternity).

I've also always read anime Nekodamashi/Kagurashi Satoko going through every adult who was once kind to Rika and making sure they get infected as her ensuring Rika feels the same kind of betrayal Satoko herself has been feeling her entire life because of resentment in a misguided attempt to make Rika understand her pain so they can truly be birds of the same feather which makes me wonder if something like this is also what's happening in manga Nekodamashi because Rika clearly starts being directly targeted by everyone going L5 in that arc and there's even more emphasis on her feeling betrayed by Keiichi and especially Akasaka.

If Tatariakashi focuses on Satoko's inability to move forward - her trauma from Teppei and the resentment therein, being treated like an outcast by the village, the grief of losing her brother, and St. Lucia with all of its complications - it would lead nicely into all of this with the transition to the GouSotsu motive.

I've mentioned this before but I find it difficult to explain the viciousness of Nekodamashi unless Satoko becomes vengeful and manga Nekodamashi is even more vicious than its anime counterpart which raises a lot of questions right now.

Tatariakashi will seriously have to do a lot of heavy lifting to justify this (and properly explain why Satoko believes tragedy is essential for the June of 1983 experience) because looking back at Satokowashi there's less focus on Satoko being angry at Rika, but more on Satoko dealing with her inferiority complex towards Rika and her low self-worth. Most of Satoko's internal monologue is about how much she let Rika down and how much she misses the old happy days.

I think this is more in line with her characterization in the VN because Satoko has always been the type to direct any blame inwardly. It's what she did when Satoshi disappeared and it's what she does at St. Lucia when Rika abandons her. I don't think it's impossible to warp such feelings into hostility, anger and a desire for revenge but it needs to be handled in a believable way in order to work, especially when Satoko so far accepts the whole of June of 1983 with all of its good and bad?

But like I said earlier it makes sense if Satoko has been riding high after obtaining looping powers and is essentially on a power trip so she's been ignoring her feelings beyond what feels good, though forcing herself into an environment that retraumatizes her with Teppei is gonna force her into reflecting on all the negative ones she's been repressing, which would lead into all of this. We see Satoko express her frustration at fate not going her way but she just chooses to brush it aside so maybe she's been doing that for any negative feelings?

If Tomato's intent is to build up to Satoko going past her breaking point gradually instead of having the brunt of it occur in Satokowashi then Tatariakashi is the perfect point for any of her negative feelings to resurface because she's effectively going through all of her trauma again.

I also find it interesting that manga Tataridamashi included the phone call from Minagoroshi where Rika convinces Satoko to reach out for help. I can see Satoko having very mixed feelings about Rika trying to save her with the others? On one hand, she'd feel joy and happiness because this is the Rika of 1983 that she loves and wants. But on the other hand, it might remind her of how Rika didn't do any of that back at St. Lucia which would retraumatize her as well.

This could warp Satoko's feelings about what happened in Satokowashi too. She'd come to believe that Rika betrayed her, she left her all alone, and she prefers her new fancy friends because she distanced herself. She'd also come to believe that Rika betrayed her by telling the teacher she set up the trap. Basically warping her feelings of self-loathing into a desire for revenge/lashing out.

I do agree with the consensus that Rika is much nicer in Meguri vs GouSotsu. I think her characterization is also generally more in line with the VN and it really feels like this is how post-Saikoroshi Rika should be. We see her worrying about Satoko and she tries to reach out multiple times, but Rika is still responsible for bringing Satoko to St. Lucia even if she's relatively innocent all things considered?

If we also really think about Rika’s actions she tries but not in a way that’s meaningful because it's not like she exhausted every option before giving up completely. Like she didn't try to break Satoko out of the special remedial lessons room or anything, when we know Satoko must have been missing for a long enough time for her hair to grow out. She also could've talked to more people about this or even the club.

Rika was Satoko's only source of hope and she still let her down despite promising that this is a dream they're going to share together and this isn't me trying to blame everything on Rika or anything. I think it's wrong to assign blame to Satoko or Rika in the first place and I don't think siding with one person or the other is supposed to be the takeaway from Satokowashi. It's just the typical Higurashi-esque set of miscommunication that led to all this and both sides made mistakes. I'm just trying to explain how Satoko may perceive all this.

The question arcs were also still released under the title of Gou which means karma and I think it'd make sense for Nekodamashi to be the culmination of all of the village's karma for everything they've done to Satoko especially coming off Tatariakashi? If you go back to manga Nekodamashi you'll notice that it's not just 5 loops in the anime, it's actually multiple and Satoko literally injects almost everyone which is definitely line with this?

Anyway I'm sorry for using this ask to ramble so much. I'm insane like that. These are just my ideas that could turn out completely wrong (and they probably will) so please take them with a grain of salt. I also don't mind if they are as long as what we get instead turns out to be interesting and does Satoko's character justice. I know I just wrote a lot so this may fall flat but I'm still trying to not be too specific about my expectations to avoid potential disappointment.

#higurashi #higurashi meguri #satoko houjou #gamo.txt

[sillyguyhotline]

ough something something about the dichotomy btwn joel and ellie’s characters and how they deal with the prospects of time and moving forward. tlou1 doesn’t have any flashbacks. we follow joel linearly through his journey because he’s resigned himself to a life of constantly pushing forward and denying himself any risks of looking back to think about everything he’s lost. he won’t even accept the picture of himself with sarah the first time tommy offers it to him, an undeniably sweet and fond memory for him, because he refuses to dwell on the pain it will inevitably dredge up.

ellie, on the other hand, is completely mired in her past. the first standalone title we get with her is half-flashback, and it’s from her memories of her time with riley that she draws the strength and willpower to save joel and keep fighting for the both of them. tlou2 is even more peppered with flashbacks, ellie’s memories of joel haunting her and ebbing in and out of her current existence. she’s severely burdened by the guilt of everyone she’s had to leave behind and this guilt that she can’t let go of is a key motivator for her to reach the fireflies and make a self-sacrifice that she believes will be a resolution to the pain of her past. these differences end up tying into each other in an interesting way because they both end up feeding into the unhealthiest methods joel and ellie have of coping with their problems. joel allows himself to be cruel and brutal because he does not permit himself to regret or to grieve or to reminisce. ellie, on the other hand, drives herself into self-destruction because she cannot seem to let go of her past and is desperate to find some way to remedy the things that she’s done and that have been done to her (which is ultimately a fruitless task).

they both end up hurting people in the present because of their inability to compensate for the past: joel repeatedly pushes ellie away because he fears having to connect with and love anyone again. ellie ends up damaging her relationship with joel because she can’t let go of the hospital and all of the other losses it represents in her mind, and later her relationships with everyone (dina, herself) because she can’t let go of joel’s death even when she acknowledges that he likely wouldn’t have wanted her to pursue the route she went down.

both characters are so different in how they approach their pasts, but when they end up intersecting they’re able to help each other come to more of a balance and it’s incredibly sweet. ellie, for joel, represents not just the ability to move on from sarah’s death and actually resolve the grief he’s been burying for 20 years, but also an opportunity to Return to his past and come to terms with his fatherhood again. when she presents him with the photograph a second time, he accepts it and resolves that he can’t run away from his past forever. joel, in turn, gives ellie a purpose that isn’t merely defined by her obligations and debts to other people. we begin tlou2 with him singing “future days” to her and promising that the two of them do have a life to live ahead of them, even if it’s not the life ellie had initially wanted or anticipated. they help give each other meaning and purpose in the ways that they individually find it the most difficult to derive purpose from life and it’s . nice :)

#hehe silly terrible tlou meta again #tlou #tlou2 spoilers #joel and ellie #the last of us

[oatbrew]

finished almost there as my first book of the year. this is part of those disney twist books where it's basically a spinoff of the original movie but with a what-if premise to change things up. i read one of these (the cinderella one) years ago to see if the gimmick was worth it but i remember feeling very underwhelmed. for a ya-marketed series, it definitely leans into the much younger part of the demographic. i see the appeal but the overall effect was just not for me

but when i heard that tiana was getting her own book, i knew i had to read it because princess and the frog, despite its faults and my current antipathy towards disney as a whole, remains one of those childhood properties that i still have a lot of earnest and indulgent love and nostalgia for. and i feel this book absolutely delivers and addresses everything that i would have wanted for tiana but i think this book (through really no major fault of its own but its source) still has some flaws that make it difficult for me to give it a perfect score. spoilers below

the biggest positive is that everybody stays human for the whole book lol

tiana gets a character arc this time, more or less. the twist premise is basically "what if tiana took facilier's offer at the end of the movie" but instead of a restaurant it's a deal to bring her father back (and revert naveen into a human) in exchange for, among other things, naveen's memories (and by extension his love). her grief and inability to let her father go (which prevents her from achieving future happiness and love) becomes the emotional crux of the book. and you could make an argument that it is also the foundation of tiana's biggest flaw. one of the criticisms that some had of the movie was that the narrative didn't give as much development into tiana's potential points of change the same way it did for naveen. so it's markedly better here.

i make this point because tiana's flaw is that she won't let people help and care for her and to go even deeper, she won't let people in. she views her independence as a virtue because it enables her to achieve her dreams and weather hardships. and while that is true it also alienates her from her loved ones and from happiness outside of her career. the book makes a case that this facet of her character comes namely from her father's influence but also her experiences with overcoming oppression (racism and classism, which are explicitly addressed. i don't remember sexism being even mentioned). her father's death exacerbated this virtue into a fault. so the personal reading here is that tiana's fear of trusting people to care for her is tied to her grief and inability to let her father go. but again, that's a personal reading. the book's biggest weakness is that while it does present these as open-ended suggestions, it doesn't concretize this connection into a straightforward arc.

tiana's mistake in dealing with facilier is brought on less by this flaw and more by a fear of her loved ones being hurt, which isn't really an internal weakness that she needs to overcome based on the trajectory we're given. but it could have been! this book could have made tiana's journey more cohesive by tying this external threat with her internal motivation. one way is to make tiana feel responsibility for her father's death. of course it's not her fault; he died as fodder in a senseless war but grief rarely makes any sense. she doesn't have to believe she's directly responsible but emphasizing the added fear that if she doesn't work hard enough or sacrifice enough, she could lose her loved ones and their happiness as well (like her mother through financial insecurity or naveen's dreams by being too focused on her own self-fulfillment) would make her arc neater. i mention this because i feel like it would be more compelling if tiana agreed with the deal purely from internal motivation rather than it being a decision majorly influenced by facilier's direct and external threat. tiana is tempted with the prospect of getting her father back but she remains pretty adamant not to do it until facilier basically corners her with threats on her other loved ones. so the inciting action doesn't come so much from the flaw which she needs to overcome but more from facilier's gaslighting and manipulation; it feels less like the actual mistake it needs to be and more a self-defense choice. which is fine enough if not a little boring because tiana doesn't have that much agency then in an arc that is meant for her to learn how to let go (her father and to a lesser extent her pathological grip on work/duty). there's less emotional pay off because the journey is centered not so much on defeating her personal demons and just on defeating Some Guy who's causing all her troubles

if not this...another reading we can take is that the arc is about tiana learning how to overcome power (or the pursuit/desire of it). facilier is a symbolic stand-in for power in his belief that gaining it for himself over those with social and economic capital in new orleans is the only way of overcoming the impotency he felt growing up in poverty. tiana loses her father in a war for power. she defeats facilier (power) by leaning into her community (love) and using his hubristic pursuit of it against him. tiana's flaw is a response to the oppressive powers that shape her everyday life. this also kind of works character-wise for her because we are often shown that tiana thinks she knows what is best all the time and learns gradually that perhaps that's not always the case. but we still have that pitfall in which her biggest mistake wasn't a choice made by her hubris for power. plus i don't feel as great interpreting a black man who we learn came from poverty (and most likely faced racism as well during this time period though the book does not make it as explicit as with tiana) metonym with systemic power. and it also kind of gives off this very booker t. washington ideology that social uplift is only possible and valid through hard work and social equity only achievable by white acceptance/tolerance

not advocating of course for facilier as a person but if if we take this route and we look at this thematically that's what it comes across as; the optics of this interpretation being: tiana's experience with her oppression is more validated by the narrative than facilier's (ie acting with dignity such as patience in response to oppression vs acting with "less dignified" responses such as anger)

ANYWAY getting too much into the weeds with this but what i ultimately mean is that this book could have benefited with a hundred more pages and a slight tweak of the inciting action. and i can't fully blame the author who has done such impressive work with what she was given. but because the source material she's pulling from is flawed, naturally those are flaws she has to work and fudge around with.

i love that we got a black, female author who is from louisiana to write this book. the culture, the insider know-how of new orleans's streets and alleys are foundational to everything in this book. actual vodou is revisited and corrected from the movie's misguided treatment of it as purely "evil". and she is not afraid to call out what things are. esp regarding tiana and charlotte's interracial friendship and the minefields they have to address. but she is also still writing for disney. so she has to operate within that fairy tale (and white-centered) framework inherent to the company's artistic (and marketing) ethos so all of these grits and bumps have to be light touches. and i'm not saying that this book should be chapters of exposes on 1920s racism but disney's editorializing hand is always evident in their properties (even andor, which i hold near and dear, can't fully escape from disney). so the real difficulty is that you can easily see what she could do with these characters and this plot without the strictures and boundaries of the disney corporation and the original movie. but the ouroboros curse is that this book wouldn't have been possible without disney and that movie

anyway other things i super loved: facilier is as much of a great villain here as ever (he has this passage where he's plotting to manipulate tiana by thinking of ways to torture naveen in front of her lmao) but there is an attempt to better understand his motivations by briefly providing his background and giving him some moments of actual humanity, which does him make more sympathetic. in the movie tiana and facilier meet for like five minutes at the very end but here the premise gives protagonist and antagonist an actual connection, both relationship and theme-wise. facilier is ultimately trapped by his "friends on the other side" in the pursuit of power and tiana learns to embrace her own friends wholeheartedly with love and community. facilier lost his mother through poverty at a young age which affected him greatly and tiana lost her father through a war at a young age which affected her greatly. facilier has grudging respect for tiana's smarts and loyalty to her principles. tiana doesn't have as much regard for him lol and if the book is going to humanize him with more complexity, i wish that they shared some moments that couldn't be just simplified to a hero/villain dichotomy

i love lottie's arc. at the end she uses her privilege to get into the rooms of politics and becomes an advocate for civil rights after she and tiana have an honest talk about the racism the latter faces and the ignorance the former grew up with. it's very much a Teaching Moment for the Whites (and again light touches courtesy of disney) but charlotte emphasizes she wants to be the best kind of friend for tiana because she takes her role in tiana's life so seriously as her best friend and it was such a sweet moment i can't even be that cynical about it

naveen's arc is pretty much a redux only slightly more fleshed out and purely out of narrative necessity because he lost his memories. which i think is one of the greatest disappointments because spoilers he gets flashes of the past but he doesn't fully get his memories back. normally im a huge sucker for the amnesia trope however i felt that because tiana is the reason why he can't remember and naveen didn't discover or learn from her the details of the deal she made, it feels like he was stripped of his agency from that choice. like she has a moment where she regrets making louis's wish for him without his input so i wish there was a moment in the end where she reveals what she did, have him be conflicted about it (like he doesn't even need to get his memories back), but ultimately come to terms with it together, making their relationship stronger than before

but i love them as always. they're still my favorites and the most believable disney couple. i love that out of everyone he is the one who consistently makes her laugh. and they make a point to say that tiana seldom does laugh freely and naveen has this unique ability to incite that from her. also the yearning parts were top notch. even without his memories, naveen can't help his love for her and it makes me cry. another thing i would have preferred is for naveen to be the one to join tiana while she's working out a way to solve her mistake and face facilier. he feels less of a partner and more of a reward for her in that regard when the whole point is tiana learning how to achieve things with someone rather than just how to achieve things. and more than anything i wanted him (and charlotte) to comfort her when she finally lets her dad go. as a kind of symmetry that her happiness is still present even with all this grief

also there's this moment where tiana's planning to get a pear and she's asking him if he wants anything and naveen stares at her and says "not a pear"

THIS IS DISNEY

anyway great book. i had to return it to the library but im definitely buying a paperback copy of it for my own when it comes out. i wish farrah rochon was part of the creative team for the tiana series coming out because she just gets it. she gets why these characters are so loved in spite of the flaws of their movie. the audience is marketed for young young adult readers so expect the writing to go that way but if you're a fan of the movie or are just interested in new orleans culture in the 1920s and vodou i recommend this book. it made me cry even though i recognize it could have easily made me cry harder with just a few adjustments

#notes. #the princess and the frog.

[sicasole]

Why can't I get anything done?

(lyrical essay, public journal entry)

March 1st, 2023

I feel dead when I’m not making things, and yet my inability to produce anything of value in the past year has me wondering if perhaps my own mind wants me dead. 

I went to The Met a few weeks ago and tried to write a poem for my father. It made me want to slash every painting in two.

I ask myself. Why can’t I get anything done? Maybe it’s the steps. There always seem to be too many of them. Writing, for one, requires having an idea worth taking down. Mechanically, it involves sitting up, finding my laptop, opening a document. A list that seems doable to most feels insurmountable to me, as even the smallest deviation from perfection sends me into a cacophonous spiral of “it wasn’t meant to be.” 

I try to go slowly, I try to break it down. I try to do the next right thing. I let the sink fill up with water and submerge my head. I ask myself, “What feels possible?” over and over and over until I run out of oxygen and I come up without an answer. And still, I want.

Wanting is dangerous because it opens you up to the possibility of disappointment. But for me, it’s impossible to let go of desire entirely. I’m still afraid of my emotions the way a child is, and like a child, I often do nonsensical things: acting cold with the hope of receiving warmth, hiding with the hope of being found. I am more comfortable challenging the universe to give me what I want than I am simply asking for it. And I continue to ask myself, “Why can’t I get anything done?” I keep searching for some personal defect some hidden problem that will explain my failings. 

Perhaps it’s the product of an overactive imagination. It’s difficult to find the motivation to do things when you’ve convinced yourself that reality is inherently unsatisfying. There is no possibility that I haven’t already conjured in my head, no experience that could be more intense than my delusion. Real life feels diluted in comparison, a bland reflection of my inner world. 

And I ask myself again, “Does my own mind wish me dead?” I am figuring out what it means to live as a ghost, to haunt oneself. To be both alive and dead, young and old, both sides of the coin. 

A professor once told me that a ghost is a past that refuses to stay past, but I think it’s more than that. I’ve always found the concept of ghosts incredibly ironic because to be a ghost means to endure for precisely the same reason that you are dead. The manner of your end sustains you. What then is it to be haunted? Maybe it’s to be tormented by a wish for an end that you delay by your wishing, to be forever in your own way.

The defining concept of a ghost is then a paradoxical one. To be a ghost, one must be both alive and dead. To be haunted one must wish for change yet still cling desperately to the status quo. I don’t think a ghost is always a remnant of the past. I think sometimes, a ghost is a wish. I feel haunted by my past, but more so I feel haunted by my own perceived shortcomings. I ask my ghosts what they wish for already knowing the answer. To be haunted is to keep asking.

Ghosts exist as a contradiction, and it sustains their agony. Dead and immortal. Everything dies and nothing dies. Nothing dies because everything dies. The only way I am able to face my grief is to believe that the dead weave themselves into our lives as a way to keep singing. 

How do you end your haunting? I think you accept the contradiction. You make peace with the dissonance and sing alongside the dead. 

Every day I wake up and I have grown a little larger around my grief. 

I don’t think I believe in God but I believe in my grandmother. 

One day I will die and I will weave myself into the most beautiful parts of the world, and keep singing. Death is a surrender that grants you perseverance. How do you live forever? You are moved to make beautiful things by the spirit of impermanence. 

And still from the darkness of my small corner, I hope. 

I hope my dust fills the lungs of the living.

I hope someday a child is born who has my grandmother’s smile. 

I know someday I will breathe out all my wanting in one final surrender, and I will hear the dead singing, as I always have, moving in jubilation to the dance macabre, surrendering to the ever-changing shape of the wind. 

-NS

#writing #writerscommunity #essay #stream of consciousness #grief #ghosts #mental health #mental illness #journal #haunting #creative writing #writers block #emergingartist #philosophy

[dreamsmthgold]

Hi! I saw that your free readings were open and was wondering if I could request one?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I've always felt like my family treated me differently, especially my dad. I've never understood why. So I'd like to ask, why does my family treat me so differently? And how can I heal and move on from this? My initals are C.K. Thank you!!

Hi!

Difficult situation to handle, I'm sorry you feel like that. Here's what my cards have to say:

I got a bit carried away here bc I really wanted to dig deep here and help you on your way. So prepare for a wall of text:

Why does you family/dad treat you differently?

I generally don't read other people's energies as they haven't consented to me doing so, but taking a gentle peek at the situation gave me Seven of cups, five of cups and five of pentacles. Seven of cups suggests that your dad is caught up in a fantasy or stuck with "what ifs". It can be debilitating, and I think it's not such much fret over the future as of what has been and how things could've been different. Five of cups suggests grief and loss, staying imprisoned by a loss of the past. If the guy in the card looked up he would see a brighter future ahead, but he remains estranged from it because of his inability to let go of ewhat he has lost or could never have (disappointment). Five of pentacles is up the same alley as the previous one. Five of pentacles is the feeling of being completely left out have no one to urn to for support, neither emotionally or materially. Being at your wits end and people keep passing you by. There is a way out, but the person in the card has their head in their hands and are too engulfed by misery and pain to see it. So what does this mean? I think your dad is holding onto something from the past that is affecting his relationship to you. I dont think it is something you have done, I think it is something that happened to him, something he had no control over. But, again, not experienced or often willing to read third party energies here.

So what can you do to heal?

King of Swords - I feel like there is another male role model or sort of dad-energy man in your vicinity? Embrace them! Lean on them! Have them be a more active part of your life, they would love to be. Knight of Wands suggest that you should should get going! Knight of Wands is often accused of driving too fast and not considering the consequences of her choices, but in this reading what comes through is: Put your foot on the gas. Find a stretch of road you want to explore in your life and go for it! Three of Wands suggest that you should daydream more. Visualize. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be?

I pulled three more cards just for us to get a clear vision of what lies ahead for you and what the Spirit has in store. Death is the central card, meaning that you are on your way to undergo transformation, and in this case it feels like a majorly positive one. The Star tells us that it will soon be time to fulfill your wishes in life, dreams are about to come true - change will happen. It will be time to nourish all parts of your life. Nine of Wands urges you to stay for used on healing, and taking steps to achieve the life you want for yourself. Stay dedicated to yourself and your spiritual and material success 🥰🍁❤️ Hope this helped!

#tarot reading

[aquaticsoul]

Comparisons, Categories, and More: A Look at Cognitive Habits

Of all the metas I've written, none have gotten into the small intricate details of how Sielu's mind presently works in the moment. The closest thing would be the overview of his mental health, but it doesn't quite go into what's actually happening.

That said, this post will do that!

First, let's look at what he's always done, because his habits from childhood have been multiplied.

Growing up as a twin was a blessing and a curse. Even though his parents tried not to treat him and his sister exactly the same, this couldn't be said for most other people.

Sielu and Sydän were a package deal. Their names were so frequently said together that he would, on occasion, answer to her name by itself (assuming he'd just not heard his own). Even then, calling one child usually meant the adult wanted the other to come soon as well, so it was not often corrected.

That was also just when their names were used. Very often - by friends, teachers, etc. - were they referred to as "the twins". It's easy, it's shorthand, but it's also a bit of a problem for a nervous child.

Thus, Sielu did not ever develop a very strong "individual" identity. He was "one of the twins" and classified himself as such. It was pointless for him to argue or correct them or make any effort to be seen as anything outside of that box because for every person he explained it to, there were 20 more to follow.

It was much easier to just accept what roles he was given than constantly argue. It was better to play whatever part he was handed, and he's done this since early childhood.

Unfortunately, this habit was not broken. Ever. It did change slightly as he gained more labels to add onto himself, but all that meant for him was continuing to confine himself. Aspects that did not neatly fit into a categorical box were ignored or covered up. He limited himself to not expressing the things he didn't feel "fit him" in terms of labels, much to his own detriment.

Beyond this self-minimization comes his inability to handle many types of conflict. This post here goes over why he has issues with being misunderstood, but it goes deeper than that. For the people whose opinions he honestly cares for, he cares to a devastating amount. Just the idea of someone like Valo or Pilvi or (Tiamat forbid) Sydän resenting him is enough to nearly push him to an anxiety attack, so he's prone to shutting up and keeping the peace instead whether he's uncomfortable or not.

Finally, we reach the final, crucial key to understanding how he is now, and it's helplessness.

He wants to be in control of a situation at all times (and by that I mean of himself). He needs things to be stable. He needs everything to be peaceful due to the fact he's (beneath all the goofy charm) a very anxious and insecure person.

But, unfortunately for Sielu, life does not work that way.

In taking his life oath to Pilvi, he was exposed to the fact that Misterica is not, in fact, free of corruption and he felt constantly powerless to do much of anything to help, which continued for twelve straight years.

All of these factors combined yield us an adult who did not cope well with the loss of everything he'd ever known, but at least Pilvi was out there somewhere and he had Sydän with him...

Until she also died.

He did not figure out how to process this and fell into a metaphorical pit of total darkness instead - a state of depression that had him sleeping his grief and fear away to avoid being faced with what he considered to be "too difficult of a situation".

Shortly after that set in, Herba attacked the village he was staying in, killed everyone except him, and kept him as a prisoner in the lower levels of her airship for nine years. He was deprived of basic needs by being given only enough to survive, and abused in ways that were both horrific and extremely effective in undermining his sense of self even further. She preyed on any bits of information about him she got her hands on.

It got so far as to her rendering him unable to fly for long periods, burning his airways so he could not sing, making him feel responsible for the deaths of the village people, and lowering his self esteem into the negatives. She took his insecurities and ran with them, convincing him that he is nothing more than a stand-in for others at best and a vile, unlovable monster at worst.

Spending nine years in this type of environment makes it very hard for him to think anyone genuinely wants anything to do with him. Unfortunately, his mind tries to cope with this challenge the same way it always has: sorting things one way or another.

The black and white thinking runs to such an extent that on his worst days, everything and everyone is either "all good" or "all bad" with no in-between.

Either you're a threat or you're not, either you love him or you don't, either you're good and he's bad... or everyone is bad and he deserves it. It's "all or nothing", and it's not a habit he entirely realizes he's got. He's started to be a little aware of it, but he doesn't know what to do about it because he doesn't want to bother or upset his companions. (Remember that insecurity I mentioned earlier?)

He thinks he takes up too much space already. He wants to help them as much as they help him because he knows they must be grieving as well, but he's terrified of not doing it the right way. He wants (quite desperately) to explain what's wrong but he doesn't want to be annoying or complain too much or run into questions he can't answer. He feels totally helpless and powerless, and it feeds into his insecurity-turned-self-loathing.

It doesn't ease his discomfort that he can't seem to form a solid opinion on many things, instead trying to ignore it or distort any situation into something that does fit the boxes he's grown so comfortable with.

Basically, all of the anxiety and the issues he used to keep under a pretty solid amount of layers have been brought to the surface with more added on top, but he doesn't know at what point it's acceptable to ask for help or if he deserves the help in the first place.

After all, it's easiest to just blame himself and move on, right?

#music alone shall live ; headcanon. #[ i have been working on this for like. two weeks now ] #topic ; habits #topic ; sydän #topic ; pilvi #topic ; misterica #topic ; fears #topic ; herba #topic ; health #topic ; captivity #abuse tw #self-degradation tw #cptsd tw #death tw #murder tw

[youhavenoideahowbadiwantthis]

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SOME HORROR MOVIES

I've been a fan of horror since I was probably.....11 or 12? I haven't always been desensitized to it, but I've enjoyed it my entire life. Monsters and ghosts and murder are all fair game. I love all of it. This isn't a new revelation, but any means, and I'm far from alone, but I feel I'm losing my ability to stomach some of it. My own childhood circumstances, as well as some other events that I've experienced very recently have made it difficult for me to deal with certain themes.

SPEAK NO EVIL

I watched this movie last night, hearing good things and realizing toward the middle that it wasn't for me.

A couple with a young child goes on vacation and meets a local family, also with a young child. The vacationing family falls for the generosity and courtesy of the local family and stays with them only to see multiple instances of weird disrespect as well as child abuse. Also, the local family's child has no tongue.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

The local family kills vacationing couples and takes their children, cutting out their tongues and "adopting" them until the next one comes, then they kill that child and begin the cycle anew.

They graphically show the child getting her tongue get clipped for an unnecessarily long time. Then they take her away for the rest of the movie, make the couple strip naked and stone them to death in a ditch after telling them that this was happening because the vacationing couple "let it happen."

This movie is cruel. The overarching themes of social niceties, communication and presumption of intent, are present. The ability to respect your own interests and maintain autonomy while respectfully dissenting from someone else, is something that should be emphasized more when raising children so they are able to spot predation and know when to ask for help.

The tongue scene and the deaths at the end, as well as the fate of the child are all brutal and not my style.

A SERBIAN FILM

This will not break new ground and is far from an original opinion.

I'm not spoiling anything. If you like horror and have an internet connection, you know what it is.

The last third of the movie is tasteless as all get out. The themes don't translate to me as someone not involved in the culture that this movie apparently metaphorically represents.

The violence toward children is sickening and the deaths at the end along with the scene following the death are beyond filth.

RESURRECTION

Let me clarify before getting into the weeds: I love this movie.

Incredibly acted, incredibly convincing, incredibly sickening content. I will also preface this "review" by saying that this movie is heavily spoken word with little graphic content, and honestly the graphic content was the least of my concerns.

The movie centers on a single mother who's past abusive lover reappears in her life to mentally and emotionally torture her.

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

She reveals that when she was with him he'd gaslight her and force her to do strange tasks because they "inspired" him like a muse. She'd gotten pregnant and given birth and he hated the child. She left to go to the store, came back and found a couple of severed baby fingers and he said he'd eaten the baby.

When he reappears in her life he continues to tell her that he hears the baby calling for her in his stomach and drives her insane. Eventually she cuts open his gut and may or may not find a living child inside his gut.

The gaslighting, the death of a child, the inability to properly handle grief and to have another not allow you to process it are all staggering. This movie, again, is incredible, but if you're having....regrets....don't watch it just yet.

I am more emotionally mature now than when I started ingesting horror. I am more capable of not only accepting the things that I've been exposed to through my life, but also able to contextualize what has happened and realize that those things have shaped aspects of my psyche and my personality that I'm still attempting to reign in on a daily basis through active thought and pharmaceutical assistance.

I was abused in multiple ways as a child by multiple people. I wish I had the understanding of bodily autonomy and self-respect that I have now. Instead, I'm an adult with major intimacy issues who both hates physical touch and also craves it constantly.

As a parent, I hope my child never suffers the same issues that I faced inside or outside the house. I think I've done alright so far. But I have to be consistent and patient and kind. The hill isn't getting less steep but I can't lose traction.

The novelty of r/kidsarefuckingstupid is foul. Children make mistakes. They're selfish. They're rude. Teach them. Be to them what you want them to be to others. Watching a child in danger or getting hurt or failing should make you sad. One day, that child is going to be old enough to make impactful decisions, and if they don't receive the guidance and respect they deserve as children, how are they going to know how to act thoughtfully as adults.

Sorry for the tangent. I love you.

Thank you for listening, though I'm not sure why you would.

[leonbloder]

Moving Through Grief - Denial Ain’t Just A River

This week I want to focus on grief and its effects on us in the Daily Devo.  Each day we're going to address one of the "Five Stages of Grief" established years ago by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her work on grief and how we process it.

Today we're going to talk about the first stage: Denial.

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."  

Most of us have heard that line before, but most of us probably don't know that it's been part of our cultural lexicon for a long time.  It's believed that author, humorist, and essayist Mark Twain was the first to coin that phrase, which dates back to the late 19th century.  

It's one of those things that we say or think when we are passing judgment on another. I've typically used that phrase when commenting on someone else's inability to see the obvious about themselves or the world around them.  

But I almost always never think it applies to me.  None of us do.

After a significant loss in our lives, we often go into maintenance mode, focusing on doing the things that need doing rather than allowing ourselves to feel.  It's easy to slip into not-feeling at this point, acting as though everything is all right.  

Whether we lose a loved one, our career ends, a relationship falls apart, or we have a crisis of faith, most of us settle into denial before anything else.  

And it's difficult for us to see it in ourselves, as Melody Beattie points out:

Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping.  We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it.

Denial serves to shield us from the reality of our grief most often when we probably need to be feeling it the most.  

Grief is not our enemy. It's a feeling that should be felt because it reflects the feelings of loss that we've experienced---feelings that are not only normal, they're necessary.

The other day, I saw a photo of my mom taken in the last few weeks of her life.  I was shocked by her appearance in that photo.  I  had to confront my own level of denial during that time as I'd refused to believe that my mom was dying.  

I also realized that if I'd allowed myself to feel the grief below the surface of my denial, it would have changed the way I acted, the things I said, the time I could have spent comforting her, and speaking honestly about what was happening.

I must say that while I wish I'd done things differently, I also give my past self a lot of grace, and I won't live in regret.  But this is a life lesson for all of us that we should not ignore.

Our efforts to avoid pain at all costs don't do us any favors when we go through seasons of loss.  We need to feel the pain.  It's the most human thing we can do in those moments, and pain can help us through our loss, not the avoidance of it.

So if you are dealing with loss right now and sense that you might be spending a lot of energy trying not to feel the pain of that loss, perhaps it's time you let yourself feel what is beneath the surface.  

And know that you are not alone as you feel your pain.  There are people in your life who are undoubtedly aware of what you might be feeling and long to help you through it.  

You are also not alone because the God who intimately knows what it's like to feel as you feel is with you in your grief.  This God will never leave or forsake you in your pain.  This God is also the God who restores, renews, and resurrects.  

May this bring you hope and peace.  And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always. Amen.  

[hypexion]

Well I blasted through WandaVision in a few days in case it’s important for Stephen Strange’s Multiball Madness. It’s certainly a show that sticks to a gimmick until it doesn’t. Honestly I wasn’t that impressed. It’s got not a lot going on but..., well let’s bring out the bullet points:

First up, the sitcom gimmick thing doesn’t really go anywhere. Sure, Wanda uses sitcoms to cope, which explains the internal reasons, but in terms of narrative it’s just a thing that’s around.

Indeed the sitcom premise is dropped for the final two episodes. And not because it collapses due to being an unmaintainable facade, but because Agatha gets bored.

Since the sitcom stuff doesn’t do anything, this means the first three episodes are almost entirely filler. With some low grade “oh no things are wrong“ scens chucked in.

Beyond the introduction of glorious technicolour when Wanda is pregnant, the advancement through time and thus eras of sitcoms is entirely unmoored from the actual plot.

Like this isn’t even difficult! Sitcoms, for various reasons, are a simplified and generally idealized depiction of life. In the earliest ones, everything is how it’s meant to be, but as they evolved, they moved away from that. So the advancement from the early, optimistic 50′s style shows towards more modern, dysfunction-centred shows should be linked to Wanda’s inability to control the Hex.

Also it’s never actually explained why the Hex is broadcasting sitcoms in-universe. Wanda is connected to this somehow?

Of course, the show is very unclear on how much control Wanda has over the Hex. Unfortuantely either situation means Director Hayward is right.

The Hex explicitly traps it’s victims in a living nightmare, where they have no control over their lives, and they are constantly feeling Wanda’s grief. One character even asks to die rather than stay trapped. If she can control it, Wanda is a monster. If she can’t, she’s still incredibly dangerous to herself and everyone around her. Neither of these situations is acceptable.

Is Wanda aware of the situation? Apparently yes, given that she pops out of the Hex at one point to threaten SWORD. But also apparently not, as she thinks all the victims are okay with being turned into sitcom people.

Plus Wanda lies to and indeed outright attempts to mind control Vision, which seems to push towards the bad end of the scale.

On the topic of the weird morality issues this show has, what’s up with Hayward?

Guy is a reasonable if jerkish person most of the time, only to suddenly Become Evil. To ensure we know he Is Evil, he tries to murder some children. He doesn’t know for certain that they’re Hex constructs.

Also he tries to frankstein Vision back to life. Which is wrong, but he does have a point about how they can’t exactly bury the dangerous super-robot.

What are Monica’s motivations? Why does she support Wanda? It is a mystery.

If I were in charge of the whole SWORD clownshow anyone and anything coming out of the Hex would immediately get dropped in a quarentine pod or such.

Actually everything to do with SWORD is... basically pointless. You could cut the whole thing out in order to focus more on the character with the most charisma.

The character who also has a fun villain song.

That’s right, It Was Agatha All Along. Indeed, her machinations are what causes the Hex to start collapsing, she frees manys Westview residents from being Hexxed, and she’s the reason Wanda ultimate decides to end the Hex.

Agatha also has a scene to make sure we know she Is Evil, where she eats an entire coven of witches. Who were trying to kill her. Although assuming she Was Evil at the time, maybe those witches had a point.

Also she killed the dog and threatens to kill some childen, along with sending Wanda to the Psychological Torment Zone, so it’s pretty clear she’s not on the level.

Turning people into sitcom people is immoral even if you do it to the villain. Also if Agatha is still aware in there I doubt it’s going to stick.

Of course Agatha is just The Evil Scarlet Witch so that trend continues.

White Zombie Vison is also The Evil Vision except Vision was The Good Ultron so WZV is The Evil The Good Ultron?

hey darcy and agent woo are also here. hooray for secondary characters.

oh yeah they also had the Fake Pietro in an incredibly dumb subplot that exists purely for Meta Reasons.

Anyway I’m sure Wanda will be fine as long as she doesn’t do something dumb like read the Darkhold.

Oh no.

Final verdict: WandaVision had ideas. Did it do much with them? I think not.

#wandavision #mcu

[saturndivine]

The Ferality of Mars

»»————-　➴　————-««»»————-　➴

Feral: "Existing in a wild or untamed state"

When I think of Mars, I think of the Greek god, Ares. I think of the heart pumping blood throughout the body to keep it alive. I think of passion, ferocity, and rawness. Mars is the planet of emotion, similarly to the moon but with a more sinister twist. Mars wants you to feel everything and create with that energy, Mars wants you to be overwhelmed with emotion, so much so it consumes and guides you. Mars wants you to feel everything. It is known as a Malefic Planet because of its inability to be tamed and controlled but Mars isn’t about having control, its about intuition and allowing yourself to be guided by the invisible force that encourages you to nuzzle into your most primal and authentic state and honor that part of you. 

[Yes I will be using Hozier lyrics that represent the ferality of each sign]

Aries Mars [Mars in 1st]

When I picture Aries Mars at its most feral state, I visualize a forest fire consuming everything in its path, absorbing nature to feed as fuel. With Mars in its rulership, Aries Mars has no issue releasing, guided by their heart throughout it all to overcome whatever may stand in their way. They move quickly and harshly, striking first and questioning later. You mold life into what you want it to be so there is no need for you to even plan right? As an unstoppable force, you have to let your heart take control. 

“There's no plan, there's no race to be run

The harder the pain, honey, the sweeter the sun

There's no plan, there's no kingdom to come

Sit in & watch the sunlight fade, honey, enjoy its getting late

Theres no plan, theres no hand on the reign,

...As Mack explained, there will be darkness again”

Taurus Mars [Mars in 2nd]

When I picture Taurus Mars at its most feral state, I imagine a bear tearing its way through a beehive, grasping at the honeycombs and devouring it in a matter of seconds. With a venus-ruled mars or mars in detriment, you all look for the sweeter things in life and insist that you are worthy of goodness and don’t mind taking it for yourself. Conflict is stupid to you because you have your own morals and studies and firmly believe in what you desire and if anyone steps to you, you have the power to throw it right back in their face. You are the raging bull, undefeated once you’re committed. But you represent the tamer, earthy side of Mars.

“I have never known peace like the damp grass that yields to me.

I have never known hunger, like these insects that feast on me.

A thousand teeth, and yours among them, I know.

Our hungers appeased, our heartbeats becoming slow.” 

Gemini Mars [Mars in 3rd]

When I picture Gemini Mars at its most feral state, I picture the rebirth that spring offers. The energy of this mars sign matches the intensity of the rising sun and falling rain that causes the flowers to blossom and fill the earth with its aroma. It is quite impossible to stop a determined Gemini, they want to leave their mark on this earth and do so in many different ways as they are indestructible, powered by the combination of their mind and their heart which creates an explosion upon collision. To get in the way of this placement is to stand in the way of the changing seasons, impossible. 

“Each day you'd rise with me, know that I would gladly be the Icarus to your certainty.

Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.

Strap the wing to me, death trap clad happily, with wax melted, I’d meet the sea,

Under sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.”

Cancer Mars [Mars in 4th]

When I picture Cancer Mars at its most feral state, I visualize the crumbling of the earth into itself, only to grow back in a healthier form. A resilient placement that can have the worst thrown at them and come back only more beautiful. In the introduction, I discussed how both Moon and Mars share a common goal but the Moon goes about it a different way, as Cancer Mars goes about martian energy in a different way as well. With mars in fall, Cancer takes the soft approach to ferality, embracing the harsh energy and converting it into tenderness. 

“And I love too, that love soon might end, 

be known in its aching, shown in the shaking,

Lately of my wasteland, baby. 

Be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking,

Though quaking, though crazy

That's just wasteland, baby.” 

Leo Mars [Mars in 5th]

When I picture Leo Mars at its most feral state I see a blinding white-hot light overcoming anyone and everyone in its path, forcing others to bend to its will simply by doing what it does naturally. As a fixed mars, Leos energy is continuous and bold, quite difficult to escape if a Leo Mars has you in their eye line. They are everywhere, they rule the heart so they rule ferality in a way, diving back into their lion roots and fully delving into the fact that they are the rulers of the jungle and rulers of the world.

“Be love in its disrepute, scorches the hillside and salts every root 

And watches the slowing and starving of troops

And, lover, be good to me.

Be there and just as you stand or be like the rose that you hold in your hand 

That will grow bold in a barren and desolate land

Oh, lover, be good to me.”

Virgo Mars [Mars in 6th]

When I picture Virgo Mars at its most feral state I can clearly gaze upon an open field, a deer nosing at grass only to be pounced on by a random predator, yet Virgo represents both the predator and the prey, enforcing balance and really honoring nature fully. Virgo Mars is one of the most ferocious and determined martian placement because they understand how to use the life around them to their advantage. Failure is impossible because they are always ten steps ahead of everyone else. They understand balance, both aggressiveness, and peacefulness. 

“With the war of the fire, my heart moves to its feet

Like the ashes of ash, I saw eyes in the heat

Feel it soft and as pure as snow, fell in love with the fire long ago

With each love I could lose, I was never the same

Watch it still live in roofs, be consumed by the flame

I was fixed on your hand of gold, laying waste of my lovin' long ago”

Libra Mars [Mars in 7th]

When I picture Libra Mars at its most feral state, I see a person walking into a mossy lake only to never come out again. There is a slight underestimation when people first get to know the Libra Mars.  This martian placement matches up with tricky Aphrodite, Libra mars has secrets they dont want unturned, they have a hidden past that they want to be kept to themselves because they are never the people they were a few moments ago. They are evolving and healing, rubbing soil on their open wounds to grow into a new version of themselves. 

“I had a thought, dear, however scary about that night, the bugs and the dirt.

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth?

I will not ask you where you came from, I will not ask and neither should you. 

Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do.” 

Scorpio Mars [Mars in 8th]

When I picture Scorpio Mars at its most feral state, there is a black burning tree in the middle of the falling snow, crackling and popping and falling to the pieces onto blankets of snow only to keep burning. Mars takes a different approach in this rulership, it is calculated, ready, and sure of whatever move is to be made as if it has been practiced for quite some time. There is no defeating a Scorpio mars, only succumbing, bending to its will, and praying that they will take mercy on your soul. 

“If I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you

Fuel the pyre of your enemies.

Ain't it warming you, the world gone up in flames?

Ain't it the life you, your lighting of the blaze?

Ain't it a waste they'd watch the throwing of the shade?

Ain't you my baby, ain't you my babe?”

Sagittarius Mars [Mars in 9th]

When I picture Sagittarius Mars at its most feral state, I see the serpent in the garden of Eden sliding on its belly and offering an option of freedom, going against the grain of submissiveness. Sagittarius Mars tends to ooze this raw sex appeal that stems from their confidence & their need to question the life around them, never satisfied by what is given to them, instead they leave their own mark on the world before them by embracing individuality and moving along their own path. 

“I'd be the voice that urged Orpheus when her body was found. 

I'd be the choiceless hope in grief that drove him underground.

I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee that made him turn around.

And I'd be the immediate forgiveness in Eurydice,

Imagine being loved by me.” 

Capricorn Mars [Mars in 10th]

When I picture Capricorn Mars at its most feral state, I imagine the fall of an empire, a civilization, a society, forced to come to terms with the fact that its reign has come to an end. Mars in exalt, arguably one of the most powerful placements to have in the natal chart, there isn’t a way to prevent the energy of a Capricorn Mars, they are backed by Saturn, two malefic energies combining to create an unbeatable power and manifesting as strength in the native who claims this energy. 

“It's the light, and it's the obstacle that casts it

It's the heat that drives the light, It's the fire it ignites,

It's not the waking, it's the rising.

It's not the song, it is the singing.

It's the heaven of a human spirit ringing.

It is the bringing of the line, It is the bearing of the rhyme

It's not the waking, it's the rising.”

Aquarius Mars [Mars in 11th]

When I picture Aquarius Mars at its most feral state, I visualize a group of nude women, dancing around an intense fire, the full moon shining only for them as they howl out into the wind. Aquarius Mars is a placement that understands how to honor their roots and get back in touch with themselves to move to the future. They use their past to propel them into new opportunities and to become a higher version of themselves. There is no obstructing this futuristic placement, eyes steady on the prize that remains up ahead. 

“When you move, I can recall something that's gone from me

When you move honey, I'm put in awe of something so flawed and free.

So move me, baby, shake like the bough of a willow tree,

You do it naturally, move me, baby.” 

Pisces Mars [Mars in 12th]

When I picture Pisces Mars at its most feral state, I envision a floating sailor, sinking in with each song that leaves the siren’s voice only to realize that it is too late as the last of air leaves their lungs and they now become one with the siren. Pisces Mars has the gift of “innocence” that people project onto them and they understand how to use it to their advantage and come out on top. Deception is a mastered tool but doesn’t negate the fact that they are simply seductive and persuasive and hold power that many are unaware of. They should continue to move carefully and use their “faults” to their benefit. 

“Feeling more human and hooked on her flesh, 

I lay my heart down with the rest at her feet.

Fresh from the fields, all fetor and fertile

It's bloody and raw, but I swear it is sweet. 

In leash-less confusion, I'll wander the concrete,

Wonder if better now having survived.

The jarring of judgment and reason's defeat. 

The sweet heat of her breath in my mouth; I'm alive.”

Link to Website [Services, Blog, & More!]

#aries mars #taurus mars #gemini mars #cancer mars #leo mars #virgo mars #libra mars #scorpio mars #sagittarius mars #capricorn mars #aquarius mars #pisces mars #Zodiac Signs #astrology #astrology memes

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Can I request HSP + depression reader (who thinks they are just weak and being crybaby) x Bucky, please? I understand you are super busy right now and I didn’t mean to rush you or anything but I'm just struggling with both HSP and depression and couldn’t help but send it right now. No need to hurry, just when you are free and maybe when you had nothing to write. Thank you and I love you!

Thank you for the request, I’m sorry it’s been a difficult time for you! I’m here if you need me and I hope that this helps!!! 

It’s called empathy

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1981

Warnings: depression, HSP (highly sensitive person), low self worth, negative self talk, swearing (that’s normal for me but this one’s a little extra), angst (more so internal idk if that needs a warning), fluff/comfort

Taglist: @buckys2thicc @babydaddy-buckybarnes @barnesplums @peggycarter-steverogers @mardema @abitgryffindorky @buckys-blue-eyes @strawberrimae @thatfangirl42 @freigeistundanderes @bucks-bunny @broadwaybabe18 @im-sick-of-failing

Taglist     Masterlist

--------------

Breathe in

Breathe out

In 

Out 

...in…

You felt a tear escape your eyes

Goddamn it

You didn’t want to cry, you couldn’t let yourself. It was stupid, it was just some shitty remark from someone when they were in a shitty mood, it wasn’t your fault, all that bullshit you tried to tell yourself. It never worked.

You were trying to control your breathing, looking up at the ceiling trying to will the tears away, biting your lip. You would not cry, not over this. Not over something that wasn’t worth your tears

Not when you didn’t even know what exactly you were crying over. 

Yet here you were, gripping the edge of the bathroom sink with white knuckles, looking up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears at bay. And it wasn’t working.

Weak sensitive piece of shit. 

What good were you to the team if you cry in the bathroom like a baby every time something remotely stressful happens? People usually cry when they're in pain or when they’re grieving - the only excuse you had was you were stressed or sad. 

You felt another few tears escape and you angrily swiped them away, cursing yourself for being so weak. 

You hated this, you hated yourself. You were so numb most of the time, especially when you were alone. You found yourself alone in your room with racing thoughts feeling like you were falling apart. Yet when you were alone you could only stare at the ceiling wondering if it would get any worse. 

The answer was usually yes.

Whenever you would go on missions with the team, you were able to push aside your stress. You had a job to do and you would do it. But when the mission was over and you were walking back through the rubble - seeing all the blood, destruction, fear - then it would start to get to you. You would panic, you would feel tears cloud your vision. Tears for those you were leaving behind, and those who had nowhere to go, those who lost someone. That was understandable. 

It seemed to affect you more than the others though. It was understandable to be moved by so much destruction. But for you everyone felt like someone you had known and loved. 

You could feel the grief in those left behind, feel the sadness and pain that they were going through. 

The same was true when you weren’t on missions. When those who were on them would come back. Whether they were injured or their eyes were saddened - you knew when a mission was rough. You would listen, you would be there for people. It was easy to talk to you, and you were very wise. 

But it still overwhelmed you. You couldn’t say no, you didn’t want to. You wanted to help but it would be so emotionally taxing for you. So behind closed doors, you would break. Be there for others, listen when they need to talk, others come first - you took their emotional pain onto yourself. 

You were grateful that you could help - but in the process it was hurting you. 

You allowed yourself to feel sad when you were alone in your room. No one could see you be weak in the dark of your room. But you never cried much just from the pure exhaustion of your thoughts. Sometimes you wanted to, just feeling so incredibly empty that you just wanted to have an ugly crying session curled up in bed.

But you didn’t get to make that choice.

The crying wouldn’t come until the absolute worst times. If you had messed up on a mission, if Tony said something a little too harshly because to him everything was a joke, seeing something gruesome on a mission- whenever it came to someone else getting involved, the tears would come. Hell sometimes even being overwhelmed in public would be enough to start the waterworks. 

You always felt so fucking weak for it. The slightest environmental stressor could stress you out too much and move you to tears. You had no reason to be upset most of the time. But you would get angry at yourself for being upset, which would make you more upset that you couldn’t control it, making it harder to control.

It was a vicious cycle.

Lately it had been popping up more and more recently. Smaller things were upsetting you more than usual. You were becoming more sensitive to external stimuli and as a result, you spent as much time as you could in your room. You were embarrassed by yourself. Both by your emotions and by your inability to control them. 

This time you were just upset that you were upset. It had been a long night the day prior, just a lot of paperwork to do. There had been a mission earlier this week that you hadn’t been assigned to, but it had been brutal for everyone who had gone. So far today had been a normal day by anyone’s terms, an emotionally exhausting one for you. One of those where you woke up tired and the thoughts of another day were enough to draw you to tears. Nothing had even happened, but apparently nothing needed to happen. 

Your emotions came and went without your consent. 

You knew deep down it was probably some sort of emotional build up - that whole quote about bottling things up until they got to be too much - it happened every time but you still thought you could handle yourself better than that. You didn’t want to vent or be a problem to anyone. But when you are the emotional support for most of the team and you haven’t been able to get enough sleep or take time for yourself - you didn’t have much of a say as to when the bottle overflows.

A few more tears fell and you slammed your hand on the counter, wiping your tears angrily once more. “God fucking damn it why can’t you just stop fucking crying!” you exclaimed, feeling a few more tears falling “Weak piece of shit!” 

There was knocking on the door, pulling you out of your self deprecating thoughts. You gasped lightly, wiping your face again. 

Knock knock

You jumped a little, gasping slightly. No one was supposed to be here, it was the middle of the night. 

“Y/n? What’s going on in there? Are you alright?”

You took a shaky breath. Of course it would be Bucky who heard you. Why would it be anyone else?

“I’m fine Bucky, it’s late, you should go to sleep.”

“Then why are you still awake?” Bucky responded. You heard him sigh a little outside the door. “Come out here and tell me you’re okay.”

“Really Bucky?”

“Unless you want me to come in there, but I don’t think Stark would appreciate me breaking your door.”

You took a small breath and walked over to the door, opening it. You crossed your arms and met Bucky’s concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed, taking in your appearance. Red eyes, flushed face, your hair was messy - you were definitely crying. He hated when you wouldn’t admit that you weren’t ok. “You know you don’t have to be, right?”

You clenched your jaw, trying to keep fresh tears from clouding your vision. “What?”

“You say you’re fine, you always say that you’re fine until you break. I heard you crying, I can see that you’re not feeling okay yet still you try to keep a brave face. And I just want you to know that you don’t have to always be okay.”

You let out a breath. “I - i…” you looked down and shook your head, lost for words. 

“Y/n, I’m not here to judge you. Can you try to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know,” you said looking up at him “It’s literally so stupid, Bucky.”

“Y/n, nothing you say right now is going to sound stupid. 

You shrugged your shoulders, still not quite meeting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just get so worked up sometimes, but it’s stupid. I tell myself I’m not going to be bothered and then I freak out again. The smallest things bother me and I get stressed out and then I cry like some stupid weak bitch. People have it worse than me, God, you have it worse than me. Everyone here has some sort of traumatic awful thing happen to them and then there’s me and I get sad because I see other people sad,” you were crying again and you wiped at your face, covering your eyes. “God Im so fucking stupid I -”

Bucky pulled you into his chest as you let out a sob. “You’re not stupid, y/n.”

“YES I AM. I get worked up over the smallest shit, I don’t listen when people tell me to take breaks, I take everything too personally and I can’t stop fucking crying when I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong!” you exclaimed, trying to push yourself away, ashamed.

Bucky held you tightly, not letting you go. “That’s not your fault. It’s not up to you how your feelings show up.”

“But I cry at the most stupid shit and I can’t control it.”

“You’re not supposed to know how to control it,” he said, pulling back to look at you. “Emotions can’t be controlled. They just happen and it’s rarely convenient.”

“Then why do I feel so weak? If this,” you gestured to yourself “is so goddamn normal then why isn’t everyone else breaking down every other day?” 

Bucky brushed some hair out of your face. “Your emotions are yours, no one else’s. No one has the right to tell you how to feel. Think of it this way - you can’t expect everyone to have the same amount of strength or stamina - no one has the same emotional response either. And that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you you.”

You shook your head. “I just feel so weak all the time.” 

“And I’m here to remind you that crying isn’t weak. You are not a weak person, you are not a bad person, you’re not any of those things your mind tells you. You’re a kind and thoughtful person. You put your heart into everything you do. You help everyone you can. Mourning someone else’s loss isn’t weakness. It’s called empathy.”

You took a small breath. “Then why does it hurt so goddamn much?”

“”I don’t know. And I can’t say for certain that you won’t always feel that way. But I know I can tell you that you aren’t weak, and I’ll be here every time you feel that you are.” 

You nodded your head slightly. “You don’t think I’m weak?” you asked quietly.

He pulled you back into a hug. “Not in the slightest, y/n.”

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes comfort #comfort #fanfiction #MCU #MCU fanfiction #MCU fic #marvel #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #writingrequests #bucky #james buchanan barnes #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky barns x y/n #bucky barns x reader #bucky barnes imagine