#but i am also in constant fear that i myself will die without cycling through europe

[iicarusflew]

all these films and novels about the curse of immortality and im like... i would if i could

#i know there would be a lot of death of the people i love #but people experience death anywau #i mean i will probably experience at least 2 deaths of loved ones #but i am also in constant fear that i myself will die without cycling through europe #without seeing all the films i want to read all the books i want to #the world is. so. big #and the time we get is so small #that's why we invent all these gods #so we don't have to be... nothing when we die #and I'd rather not do that #I'd rather live a thousand years #break my heart a thousand times #and get time to heal #is that too much to ask???

[lets-get-better]

Empty: A Memoir by Susan Burton

So I just finished this incredible book, and I have a lot of thoughts to dump out about it. 

It’s different from other binge eating books that I’ve read in that it does not focus on recovery—Burton is upfront about that, and it’s basically in the title (it’s a memoir, not a guide or explanation). And, a good chunk of it is about her restrictive eating phases before and after her bingeing phase. But it really, really resonated. It’s kind of incredible how experiences that you think are unique to you, are in fact common experiences. 

Even if this book didn’t provide a clear path forward for myself, it made me feel less alone. To quote Burton, who also dove into books about eating disorders while in the midst of her own: “I wasn’t interested in the end, the part where she came out okay. I wanted to stay in the part where she was wrecked. I wanted to feel less alone, because isolation had become the primary consequence of what I did, separating myself from the regular people who lived in the regular way” (Burton 189). Burton voiced thoughts that I didn’t know I had until I read them, and she articulated feelings I’ve struggled with.

Here are some quotes that I felt in my soul, in case they help anyone else:

Describing bingeing as “a way to temporarily shut everything out and exist in an altered reality defined by the loosening of restraint. But bingeing deadened feeling and was incompatible with human connection” (Burton 101).

Later describing binge eating as “a ‘short-term escape from an aversive awareness of self’” (Burton 214).

I had never conceived of bingeing in that way in particular, but when I read it, it felt right. In the moments of bingeing, it’s almost freeing—I’m in a different world where it doesn’t matter what I eat, I’m just free to eat and exist and nothing else matters aside from that freedom. But it’s not a “freedom” to actively avoid reality and everything it brings. It’s caging, it’s isolating, and it prevents living my life. I’m actively avoiding existing as myself—my mind, my body, my life feels too uncomfortable (even if that discomfort might just be the uncomfortable “urges to binge” that Kathryn Hanson describes in Brain Over Binge) and I turn to bingeing.

Describing her mother calling out her anger: “My anger had been talked about before. And, yes, I had plenty of it, but it was all at myself. I was angry at myself for all the wrong ways I was. I wouldn’t be angry if I were better! If I could just fix myself, this would all end” (Burton 107).

God, the anger and self-loathing is so real. On days I binge, or even think about the consequences of previous binges, I just feel like absolute shit, and I’m teetering on the edge of lashing out at everyone around me. But part of me wants to scream that I’m not angry at them, I’m angry at me. And I’ve convinced myself I just need to “fix myself” and stop bingeing, and then I’ll be the perfect bubbly person I want to me. Is this true? Probably not.

“Ten minutes was enough to ruin everything. How was it that in such a small unit of time you could make an entire day into a total wreck?” (Burton 125).

Simply put, this quote was just relatable. It feels impossible some days to ever be a “normal eater” when an entire day can be ruined with ten minutes of bingeing. I know that black-and-white thinking is a problem that needs to be addressed, and days can’t truly be “ruined,” but it was refreshing to see this account written by someone else—a professional! a writer! a perfectionist, over-achiever like me!—who felt the same way I do.

“Other girls just had their bodies and put food into them and didn’t think. Or they did think but in a normal way. I could tell by the way they said it: ‘I am getting so fat.’ They weren’t wrecked by food in the way I was; it didn’t define them” (Burton 136).

I felt this one so strongly. Even when I was mostly “recovered” in college, I still envied the girls who could talk about their food or bodies without feeling deeply uncomfortable or shameful in the way that eating disorders mess up your cognitive associations. And I know that’s unfair of me; I never know what other people are going through, including with food, and Burton addresses her own experiences with having to challenge her preconceived notions of others and her own self-centered perception of eating disorders. It adds to the guilty and shame, I think—to hate yourself, and to project that anger onto others who seem more “normal,” and then to hate yourself even more for doing so.

“My eating had worsened in distinct stages. Beginning each new level, I’d felt horror that this is the worst it’s ever been. Now the worst felt medical. There were times I ate so much food I worried something bad could happen to my body. A line had been crossed: The fear of the harm I was doing was now worse than the humiliation of continuing to expand” (Burton 163).

So much about this book had me yelling internally, “This is me! This is me!”. I can point to specific times when it felt like I’d crossed a bingeing threshold. For example, I would previously never eat at night—not because I was actively avoiding eating at night, but just because it had never really occurred to me to do so, and I didn’t have the desire to. Until I did once during a binge, and suddenly it became a new norm. The number of time’s I’ve said to myself, “This is the worst it’s been...” Yikes. And Burton specifically discussing the medical fears—I have felt genuinely afraid of the damage I was doing, of the heart palpitations and the stomach discomfort and the severe bloating. I’d imagine how embarrassing it would be to die from bingeing so hard that my stomach bursts, and I get so anxious about the possibility. B.E.D is truly horrible.

Discussing how the life milestone of leaving for college couldn’t even feel like an important milestone because of the bingeing: “I could not even contemplate what I felt about leaving home. The only exit I cared about was from the eating. Until I left that, nothing else would matter” (Burton 178).

Bingeing takes over your life. I feel like I cannot live fully, I cannot do anything, until I get my eating under control. It just fills my mind constantly: thoughts of food, eating, weight, body, meals. Nothing else seems to matter, and nothing else can matter, until I clear some of the mental space that is currently taken up by bingeing.

Reflecting on her post-binge rituals of writing and setting new never-again goals each time: “It was the first moment I realized that I was getting something from this. That I liked something about this. I liked the possibility inherent in the act. I liked getting as low as you could and then every day the moment of begin-again. I liked the calm that followed an episode. Something quieted, the need met. Ah, yes, here I am in the place where I make resolutions and start afresh” (Burton 219).

“And it was true that I would miss the cycle of destruction and renewal, so regular that it was circadian” (Burton 219).

This really caused me to reflect on my own “destruction and renewal” cycles. It’s true—after a binge, there’s something ridiculously empowering about setting new goals and resolutions and feeling convinced that it will never happen again because in that moment, it truly feels like a fresh start and a new beginning. Is that part of what keeps the habit engrained? That part of me thrives on the fleeting sense of control, even though I am never able to follow through with those resolutions? Some of my most productive moments have been post-binge, once I get past the self-loathing stage and move on to the resolution, future-oriented stage. I had just never before considered this to be an inherent part of the bingeing cycle...

Describing her constant food thoughts as a sound engineering metaphor: “The eating stuff was a track that ran in my brain under all the other tracks. Sometimes it would get so loud that it would drown out all the other tracks; sometimes I could lower the volume, but I was never able to remove the track from the session. Deleting the track was the wrong idea, [my therapist] said; lowering the volume was good, but the main thing was to boost the other tracks. Boost the other tracks. Develop other strengths and ways to cope; raise the signal on all I’d neglected” (Burton 269).

I absolutely loved this metaphor. Food takes up so much of my brain energy and thoughts, and I have been so desperate to clear up that space for other things. But if I find ways to focus on other strengths and cope with life in new ways, the space will clear itself to make room for the new focuses. It’s kind of intuitive, so it’s not particularly new information, but I wanted to print out this quote and wallpaper my room in it. It gives me hope.

#bed #b.e.d. #binge eating #binge eating disorder #eating disorder recovery #books #reading #memoir #ed thoughts #eating disorder thoughts #health #reflection #personal #overeating #self-help

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia, I hope you’re well. Please feel free to ignore this if it’s too personal... but how do you deal with death as a concept when you have the chronic illnesses that you do? Are you afraid to die, and if you are, how do you keep from constantly thinking about how you could die early (so to speak) if your health takes a turn? I’ve had a lot of health scares recently and it’s getting harder and harder to just live without feeling constantly afraid. Thank you for everything you do.

Hi anon!

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your health scares. They suuuuuck. They really suck. I’m replying partly out of solidarity, but I don’t know if I have anything that will really work for you, because sometimes I really struggle to find things that work for me, but I’m happy to share what I’ve picked up along the way. <3 And I hope in the meantime that things pick up for you.

The timing of this is pretty spot on, in that I’m going through pretty serious scanxiety at the moment (what we call ‘anxiety around getting scans for cancer’ in my cancer support group that I’m a member of). I had a full body PET scan two weeks ago (no results yet), and I have a head/neck MRI on Friday, for which I can hopefully get the results Mon/Tuesday. But I don’t have my follow up with my Endocrinologist until late July, so I won’t know for about 6 weeks if I have any new tumours in my abdomen.

I definitely don’t want to die from this disease, and it will probably be the thing that kills me. Not any time soon, that’s less likely, but it’s just...likely overall. A lot of the statistics are stacked against me, I have three primary tumours in my head/neck, and there’s no indication that my body is going to stop growing them, and there’s no cure and likely to be no cure in my lifetime.

So yeah, I get anxious. I am afraid to die (I mean in general, unless I’m suicidal, but also specifically the way this disease is likely to kill me: progressively taking my hearing, my ability to swallow and talk, my ability to move my arms and my head and my neck, my sense of balance and ability to walk upright without collapsing, and more - which doesn’t even count metastatic disease - is a horrible way to die). And I live with the knowledge that like, it literally takes one scan result to change my entire life all over again (hence, scanxiety).

BUT, living in constant fear is just...not helpful. It’s understandable, it is an understandable emotional response, but it’s not a helpful response. Because what matters most in these scenarios is quality of life; and you get quality of life (in chronic illness and acute disease) by managing emotional outcomes as vigilantly and with as much self-compassion (and patience) as possible. So these are the things that work for me, if they don’t work for you, that’s fine, some might even feel completely wrong for you, that’s also fine and normal. The things we tell ourselves to cope in this are deeply personal. I hate the phrase ‘fuck cancer’ for example, other people who have cancer use it as a battle cry and feel strong because of it.

***

* ‘Can I literally do anything more than I’m doing to change the outcomes of my illness without hurting myself? No? Then admit you have no control over this and let it go.’ This is something I tell myself when I start panicking. ‘But what if I get this result what if this happens what if this tumour starts growing again what if.’ I just look at myself sternly and say: ‘HOW is this helpful?’ It’s NOT. Knowing the answers to any of those what ifs changes nothing in the moment except my anxiety, distress and fear levels. And then I say ‘so WHAT would be helpful? What do you have control over?’ And then I might wait and think... ‘well...I really like that Youtube channel One Meal A Day I might watch one of those videos’ or ‘well...I might journal about my feelings and give them some space (see further down) and then try and let them go because just cycling around them isn’t productive.’ Sometimes we hang onto anxiety because our brain convinces us it will somehow be helpful. With this stuff it rarely is.

* WORRY TIME. Yay worry time! Set aside 5-20 minutes a day (or every three days, or once a week, but you might need to start with once a day when things are really bad) to write down ALL of your worries about your illnesses. All the irrational things, the logical things, ALL of it, no matter how embarrassing. And omg, chase those worries down. Really sit and be with your worry. Give it space. Let it speak! But do it with the intention that once those 5-20 minutes are over, that’s it. You’re done. If your worries start up again, say gently to yourself: ‘You told me all of this during Worry Time, but if this is new, please save it for tomorrow, I will give you space to share with me then!’ Treat your worry like a little animal that doesn’t know any better, and has to be taught some boundaries. Worry Time becomes the boundary. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel anxious the rest of the time, just if you do, it’s easier to step back mindfully and go ‘huh, I’m anxious right now, that’s really interesting, but I’m going to do something about that tomorrow, and so for now I’m just going to acknowledge it but I’m going to try not to let it ruin my day.’

* ‘Everything right now, this moment, this second is exactly the way it should be.’ This is Taoism, and some people hate it. I use this most often when I’m in excruciating pain, or terrified, or literally in a panic attack. I don’t know why it helps so much, but it does. And I think it’s because it works like this: ‘Everything right now, this moment, this second is exactly the way it should be. Terrible things are happening all over the world. Other people are feeling pain like I am. Animals and plants go on living and dying. Right now everything in this moment is perfect messy imperfection and I am a part of that, a small cog in a huge ecosystem. I am a part of something, I belong in this, and I hate it - I really hate it - but even that is part of that messy imperfection. It just is. And therefore, I can release any attachment or urgency to change the things that I cannot change.’ And then...I will still be in pain, or having a panic attack, or terrified, but it will feel integrated and connected to me. It will feel like it’s a part of something. Still, ultimately, sometimes useless but...even useless excesses of terror are a part of the messy imperfection of life.

This leads onto the second:

* ‘In this moment, I am okay.’ Not like, literally 100% healthy. I’ll never be that. But I’m okay. I’m okay as a person and a human being who deserves love and comfort, and I’m okay to just grab another minute to feel okay. You can pair this with mindfulness meditation, and Smiling Mind has a great free app, and most of the meditations are between 5-8 minutes long. Sometimes ‘I’m okay’ doesn’t mean ‘I feel okay’ - and that’s okay too! I’m not trying to erase my emotions, I’m not trying to make myself never feel afraid of dying, that is an appropriate response to something that literally threatens my life but isn’t doing it urgently right this second. And because it’s not doing it right this second, well, right this second, I’m okay.

* Goals that have nothing to do with your health. For me, probably pretty obviously, it’s my writing and my art and similar. I have responsibilities towards my loved ones and my animal companions. Sometimes just...putting my head down and getting stuff done helps take my mind off things, and that also makes me feel productive and like I’m more than my illnesses. Socialising is a part of this. You are so much more than your illnesses, but you have to live that way too, that’s your responsibility to yourself, to remember that you are more, and then to embrace that in your actions (I mean, keeping in mind spoons/energy levels), even when you’re not always feeling it.

* Look at the things you can control and shore them up where you can. Like, consider writing a will. One of the things I’ve had to do is consider what I’ll do if I get sick so quickly I can never finish Fae Tales or never write anything again. These practical steps can be distressing, but sometimes they can answer background anxieties you didn’t know you had, and put them to bed. ‘I don’t need to worry about this, I’ve already done this part.’ Sometimes it’s just knowing that every time you see a specialist, you’re going to write down your questions, so you no longer need to worry about forgetting them. Things like that seem little, but they add up as background anxieties we do have control over.

* If you can afford it; Therapy. Depending on your illness/es, there may be support groups. Some are dodgy as shit (Fibromyalgia groups have categorically been the worst spaces I’ve ever encountered for genuine support), but generally speaking for serious illnesses, there are support groups. They can be an incredible resource. I help moderate the Australian/New Zealand Para/Pheo Support Group (there’s only one, lol), and like sometimes it’s depressing (people I care about do, on occasion, die), but knowing I’m not alone, knowing I can get advice about what to ask my surgeons or my Endocrinologists or Oncologists, especially for a rare disease? Fuck that’s so invaluable. And being able to help other people advocate for themselves has been really empowering for me.

* Don’t expect to get rid of your fear or anxiety entirely. If you’re alive and you’re human and you like life, you just can’t do that. So remember that when you’re feeling those things, you’re being a normal human being, and you are not alone (even when you feel like the loneliest person in the world, even that’s a part of it). It won’t fix those things, sometimes you can’t. Some days I just give as like, shit days, it happens. June I’ve given up as kind of a shit month honestly. Am I having good moments? Yes. Am I stressed every day about this disease? YES! Fun times. (I won’t be stressed every day if the scan results show that everything is the same tbh, like, then I’ll go back to ‘normal’ where I rarely think about it).

* Don’t write off the day until the day is over. I used to have this habit (and still can sometimes) of writing off the day as being ‘a bad day’ because of a terrible morning. I actually started this habit as a child, because of trauma and abuse, and it was something I kept doing because of mental illness. So this is something I was doing long before cancer came along and additionally kicked my ass. These days, even though I feel so bad sometimes I feel like hell, my entire life is a write off, I try and keep in mind that one thing can change the tone of the day and make it better. And that ‘thing’ can be me and my choices. And the fact is, even if I try some Youtube videos, or to pet my cats, or talk to friends, or whatever and it doesn’t work, at least I can look back and reassure myself: ‘You’re trying so hard, you’re really trying your best’ and also ‘you know this never lasts, it never has, you still have moments where you feel good, which means you’ll have a moment where you’ll feel good again. It’s okay. I’m okay.’

* Dark humour can be a saviour. Oh boy, can it ever. But be careful who you share it with.

* Gratitude for what you have now, and not what you might not in the future, because the future is an illusion, it’s not here now. But you are. I have a journal where I write down something I’m grateful for every day. Even if I’m feeling cynical and hateful and anxious and bitter. And then I might just say ‘I’m grateful for chips’ or ‘I’m grateful for that nice leaf I saw but nothing else’ lol. Just something. I’m grateful I can still hear, I might not hear one day, but I’m listening to a song right now. That matters. I’m grateful I can walk. I’m grateful I can read this post. I’m grateful I can still write my books despite the mild cognitive brain damage I got from radiation. My gratitude doesn’t always feel warm or nice, but I am still, somewhere, deep down, glad I haven’t lost those things.

***

It’s hard, and many of these things take time to learn, and repetition, and getting back on the wagon when you forget. Some days they won’t help, and some days you’ll be so glad of one 5 minute mindfulness meditation it saves the whole rest of the day for you. Sometimes sleeping is a really good reset tool for the brain.

Some people find Buddhism helpful (all life is suffering can become pretty zen when you’re suffering), I found the philosophy of Taoism helpful on top of my regular paganism.

ANYWAY this post is now...2,200 words long fuck that’s longer than some of my university essays I’M SO SORRY so I’m going to stop. Just, please anon, from the bottom of my heart, be gentle with yourself. It’s hard. This stuff is hard. It requires an unfair amount of effort to make it less hard, but that’s all life gives us, because life never promised to be fair or just or compassionate to us. So we must be fair and just and compassionate to ourselves. And that, in its messy imperfection, is all we can do to be a perfect part of this world. <3

#asks and answers #personal #dodgy advice #i have made so many dark cancer jokes with glen #the rule with dark humour is that you can make tasteless jokes about your own condition #but other people who *don't* have it #can't #but they can laugh with you #lol #anyway yeah also just... #get a really good list of things that make you feel better #sad or happy or whatever #youtube vids or fics or novels or art #collect the things and the people #that bring some light into your life #curate your existence with hope and compassion to the parts of you that are so so afraid #administrator Gwyn wants this in the queue #Anonymous

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 11.

Things have been amassing for quite some time reaching a stage of either adjustment or collapse. Maturity cannot occur without the proper circumstances that allow it to stem and grow at an appropriate pace. Unique for everyone capable to understand its meaning, it's safe to say that a perfect way to mature is a myth. The charm of maturity stands in the exact aspect that makes it such a grueling and confusing process to go through. To remove any form of confusion I am referring completely to the idea of mental maturity since physical maturity is ironically quite similar for all. We all possess a certain level of potential to either brave through or bow down to the challenges that we face as we evolve through life. Depending on the potential each of us have in our possession we can arise as one of two options: mature or immature. Delving deeper on the subject I realize that maturity is dependent on so many other factors, such as intelligence, values, education and the list can go on. This isn't a study on maturity itself, this is an introduction inside my introspective battles between myself and the idea of maturity.

Striving to become better could be considered a reason to live. Applications are endless and it can be inserted in any way of life existent on the face of the Earth, with only one condition; determination. Through this idea, maturity also takes place in the background of one's life. Without determination, you cannot become better regardless of actions and thus you fall into immaturity.

Concepts such as these are very much dependent on the individual and his drive to push forward without hesitation while also not losing energy in his push. Though they remain constant in the mind of the individual, determination and energy will eventually begin to wane to the point where thoughts to act will remain just that, mere thoughts. Regaining determination and the energy to push might reappear the second day or they might be gone forever as life and its changes can drastically affect such matters.

The battle with the idea of maturity and all its facets has me wrapped into a cycle of confusion fueled by fear of the unknown. Put simply, I fear life and all its unspoken potential that more often than not has caused me to bow down to its might instead of confronting it with all I had. Paradoxically, I aspire to leave a mark on the world before the mark of death falls upon my head but so far that has remained nothing but an empty desire adopted from ideas that spawned with the intent to entertain children, the epitome of immaturity. As I stubbornly recall everyday my so called goals in order to basically improve and become something more than the me of today I realize that I, as I speak, am constantly working at becoming a better me, though the steps are small.

Struggling is inevitable as the touch of struggle will test to see which path is to be chosen when we travel through life. Life is made of struggle and maturity is the goal that not many strive for but must possess in order to become the best version of themselves. This is the battle that I persist to conquer but so far efforts have been either too slow or none at all in matters of progression towards what it is envisioned inside my head. This matter isn't depressing but more along the lines of frustrating. Whether I will attain the maturity that I wish for remains, as always to be seen and though I am not too optimistic about the entire situation hope and persistence will die last.

                                                                                         By:PocketPoet

#ideas #prose #expression

[normal-thoughts-official]

Magnus’ Life Story Told By Queen Songs

listen to the resulting playlist on youtube | spotify (kindly done by the beautiful @biconicfinn ugh thank you so much)

more babble insight on the song choices under the cut

Rain Must Fall: I think this song is the most appropriate to start the playlist with because, really - there’s so much more to Magnus than meets the eye, and RMF captures that perfectly. A song about someone who is perceived as vain and as having a perfect, almost careless life - who seems to have everything together, is rich, is powerful, has all they want. And the song hints at that being as much of a construed facade as it is for Magnus - "you want a clean reputation” - and at the person being seen as too much, not serious about anything - “others seen to think you’re over dramatizing” - but really, his life is full of pain. A lot of rain has fallen, even if other people are uncapable of seeing it, even if he tries so hard to build this put-together, uncaring persona - Magnus’ life and story is all about pain and abuse and difficulties. And in the end, that’s the center of the song as well

Bohemian Rhapsody: I SWEAR I tried not to. I mean, not too hard, but I did try. But the constant cries for “mama” in the song? The “didn’t mean to make you cry”? The “just killed a man” and “nothing really matters”? The confusion that the song expresses, the fear, the going back and forth? The anger that he expresses (”so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die?”) that ultimately goes back to regret and the notion that “nothing really matters”? The cries to be let go? This song is such a good portrayal of what he must have felt like when he killed his stepfather; the anger at being lashed out at, at his violence towards him, but also the regret and the feeling that he never wanted to hurt anybody; mixed in with the fear now that he’s alone and on the streets and has no one and it’s almost like some sort of self-punishment (”goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go / gotta leave you all behind and face the truth”). Yeah. This is him immediately after he managed to escape, the rush of conflicting emotions, fear, anger, regret, and the hopelessness and loss that comes with it.

All Dead, All Dead: That songs fits Magnus for many reasons, the most obvious of which being his immortality; but really, what it makes me think the most about is the loss of Magnus’ mother. And yes, I know that this was technically before the stepfather thing, but from Magnus’ point of view it’s almost like it was after, because his stepfather tried to murder him so fast he only had time to deal with the grief and sorrow later. I also know it’s weird because for some reason Brian May decided it would be a brilliant idea to add words like “lover” and “sweeter half” on a song about his cat, but really the point is to lose someone that was like a part of you, that you never thought you would, or at least not so soon. Also, the lines “Her ways are always with me / I wander all the while / But please you must forgive me / I am old but still a child”. Magnus’ carried his loss with him forever and, even after all the pain he’s been through, still considers her loss one of the worst. And in many senses, he’s still the scared child who was left alone, with nothing but the sense of failure and that this is somehow his fault (”And alone I’m spared”), and deeply depressed and lost, not knowing what to do, where to go, who to ask for help. Making him perfectly vulnerable, just in time for Asmodeus to come in.

Flick of The Wrist: This is an almost scarily accurate depiction of what his years with Asmodeus were like. I’m gonna go ahead and say that you might want to skip this one if you’re particularly sensitive when it comes to violence, because this song makes some mentions of violent acts that are metaphorical, but that become...... less metaphorical in this context. But anyway, from the mention of “simply with those eyes” and the magical undertones of the name of the song itself, this portrays perfectly Asmodeus’ almost beautiful cruelty. It also perfectly encompasses the fact that he’s manipulative and is trying to all but brainwash Magnus, who in this context would be the “you” the song sings to - Asmodeus’ primary victim. “Don’t look back, don’t look back”, forget about your years before this, forget about your humanity, don’t try to regain what you had because this is your life now and you should do nothing but belong to him; “Intoxicate your brain with what I’m saying, if not, you’re lying in deep trouble”; “Let me squeeze you until you’ve dried”; all lines that clearly show his using and abuse of Magnus, of his pain and his confusion as a kid who’s just lost his mother and doesn’t know who he is or what is happening, and who’s put in even more pain because he doesn’t know who to trust. And when the song ends, abruptly, with the line “baby you’ve been had,” the obviousness of his manipulation seems clear, yet surprising; a truth so clear it’s unbearable to grasp.

Keep Yourself Alive: this one’s pretty through-and-through; there’s not much to say, and that’s one of the reasons why I think it resonates so well with people with depression, and how I see Magnus’ first post-Asmodeus years; a daze, without much to talk about except for this sharp need to stay alive and the promise that eventually you’ll have built yourself up enough to keep going; but for now, surviving is all you can do, and it demands nearly all your energy. Magnus needed to figure out who he was, heal from all the abuse from Asmodeus, from his stepfather, with the grief for his mother that he didn’t really get to deal with before, and to build something for himself despite all of it. But it’s a slow, and hard process.

It’s a Hard Life: I’m gonna ignore the “I don’t want my freedom” bit because I think Magnus, after all he’s been through, knows better than anyone how precious and important freedom is - anyone who’s been abused does. But now that I think about it there’s also the fact that Magnus seems to care very little about his well-being and has put his freedom, his life, and everything that matters to him on the line many times for others, so you could argue that this part is a good symbolization of how he does sacrifice his freedom, while perfectly knowing that that’s what makes his entire being, for love - except it’s not necessarily romantic love. So that is wonderful to think about! But anyway, It’s A Hard Life is, yes, a break-up song, but most importantly it’s about loneliness and the inevitability of it, and that’s why I think it fits Magnus. Magnus is gonna lose the people he loves - it’s inevitable. It’s a hard life because it is hard for him to connect with people, not only because of his immortality, but because of his pain, because he’s been used so many time, because he’s been betrayed and abused, because he doesn’t believe himself worthy of love and care. There’s just so much that seems to be between him and the rest of the world, this wall that’s almost impossible to overcome, and that keeps him feeling abandoned and deserving of it (”I’ve only got myself to blame”), while also fiercely, desperately wanting to love and be loved.

Somebody To Love: this might be the song that best fits Magnus’ character, honestly. It’s a song about longing, and hoping, to find love not only for himself, but to give, as well. It is, again, about loneliness, about feeling like you don’t have any real connections with the world and about craving that desperately; yet the focus isn’t on the pain of it, on the need to be loved, but rather, on the need to love. And Magnus is just so full of love; he adopts marginalised people he finds, he tries to help everyone in his path, even when he puts his own life in danger or he doesn’t agree with what’s being done; he’s always taking care of his friends, he’s found himself a new family, and he even takes care and all but adopts strangers; he’s all about loving and giving himself to others, and yet there’s a part of him that’s closed off and that doesn’t allow itself, or doesn’t believe to have, that connection, that mutual trust and helping and loving. It’s funny, because the fact that he feels so lonely and unloved is precisely the reason he’s anything but: he’s got so many friends who care about him and love him, but he closes off to them. He doesn’t have a problem with giving love; he craves it so much he’s all but throwing it around, desperate for someone to pick it - but at the same time he won’t allow himself to go beyond a certain point, and so he still feels like he’s got no one, and the cycle goes on. It’s also interesting to note that Somebody To Love is an extremely sad song when it comes to lyrics. It’s almost painfully raw, the cry for help, the crushing despair of unwanted loneliness. Yet, the song is upbeat, intense and almost fun. The sadness of the lyrics is almost drowned by the rush and fun of the song’s melody, and that’s also a good metaphor for this constant game Magnus plays of being so vulnerable, yet trying so hard to show himself as vain, simple, fun, almost shallow - in the sense that there’s not much to look into. When really, he’s anything but.

Who Wants To Live Forever: Pretty self-explanatory; a song about an immortal being who’s desperate with the grief of constantly losing those he loves. Unlike all the other songs, that I fully believe to be among Magnus’ favorites, I think he wouldn’t listen to WWTLF, at least not unless he’s in a very specific mood, because it hits so close to home it’s almost unbearable. 

‘39: Following that headcanon, I think ‘39 would be the song he’d listen to when the Immortality Blues hit; it’s got the same theme - the loss of being the sole survivor of a time that doesn’t exist anymore, losing the people you love - while having a different enough context to not be as gut-punching as WWTLF would be (for those who don’t know, ‘39 is about the crew of a spaceship that come back from exploration to find out that everyone they knew was dead, because more time has passed on Earth than it has on space). Also, it’s nicer to listen to. 

Save Me: an almost inevitable conclusion to the pain of the other songs; save me is about being unable to deal with loss and wanting desperately to be cared for, taken care of. “I’m naked and I’m far from home” perfectly captures the despair that Magnus feels from being so out of his time, of his element, of being so lonely and dealing with so much grief. Save Me also represents the vulnerability he’s found himself in after all these years of trying to cope by closing off and giving more than he can take; to me it is the song for Magnus right before he met Camille. It even begins with the promise of a good love (”they said we made a perfect pair”), and even though that is quickly shattered and shown to be unattainable, the cry for help from this person still prevails over the pain she brings him. The part “I’ll erase the memories to start off again with somebody new” also makes me think of how, up to this point, Magnus had been jumping from lover to lover, trying to take the good memories and starting over and over, knowing it will end somewhere at the same point; but instead of accepting it or somehow concealing it, this is the point where the loss becomes unbearable, and he ends up once again vulnerable enough to be easy to manipulate and abuse.

(WARNING: NEXT SONG WILL CONTAIN VERY TRIGGERING CONTENT RELATED TO ABUSE AND S*ICIDAL IDEATION)

Don’t Try Suicide: complementary to the right-before-Camille stage of his life; it is kind of implied that Magnus’ relationship with Camille was kind of started off by her “saving” him in that bridge in London; at the time, Magnus was feeling impossibly alone and worthless, and she showed up, saving him just like he had been claiming for somebody to, and telling him not to go this route, that there were better ways - while simultaneously reminding him that he doesn’t matter (”Don’t try suicide / Nobody gives a damn”) and using this so-called “saving” both to belittle him and make him feel like he owes her, and to make herself somehow the victim of Magnus’ bad mental health (“Think you're gonna slash your wrists / This time / Baby when you do it all you do is / Get on my tits”). Yeah actually scratch that, this song is the Camille stage, not the right-before-Camille. It perfectly encompasses how he used his bad state of mind to make him feel even worse and manipulate him into believing he would have no one but her.

In The Lap Of The Gods: Still going strong on the Camille theme, LOTG is a song about an unhealthy, dependent relationship, where a person tries too hard to please the other in the hopes of getting the love they crave (”Anything you ask I do for you”, “I live my life for you”) but doesn’t feel like that makes them deserving of love or even like it will secure their love; instead, they “leave it in the lap of the gods”, like even before all of that dedication all they can do is hope for the best. It’s an almost painfully accurate depiction of what an abusive romantic relationship feels like, and I have no doubts that Magnus’ relationship with Camille was also on those terms. “You don’t do well, losing those you love,” Camille knew his biggest fear would have been of losing her and used this to keep him close and have him do what she wanted. While I don’t believe she used Magnus for Evil Purposes (this isn’t really supported by canon, if you look at the way he argues that Camille wasn’t always bad, ie didn’t always do the crazy shit she does. Of course, she clearly wasn’t since she was an abuser, but if she had made Magnus do Evil Stuff I don’t think he would talk about her like that. Also, after Asmodeus, I don’t think Magnus ever would let himself be put in a situation where he’s used to hurt others. He cares too much) she still had him wrapped around her finger and probably used that to humiliate him and feel better about herself. Really, it’s all a game of power to her. But I digress. Anyway the point here is that Magnus was clearly the one giving his all in this relationship, and getting nothing in return but a vague hope that it would eventually be enough.

I Can’t Live With You: another almost painful description of what abuse feels like. It’s pretty self explanatory - that feeling that someone is tearing you apart, destroying your life to the point of being unbearable, but that at the same time without them you’re nothing. This song is the conflict that Magnus feels, knowing that Camille is hurting him, but still feeling like she’s his only option and that he owes her (”but baby, I’ll never, ever leave you”) because she “saved” his life, because she gave him something that at least resembles love and he ached for any scrapes he could. And ultimately deciding to stay and that he can’t live without her - until, of course, he eventually didn’t, but in this song he’s not yet reached that point. It’s also worth noting that the way it ends, an almost perfect repetition of the beginning that slowly fades away, gives the impression that it’s a never ending cycle, and that this internal battle isn’t really over by what seems to be the ending decision to stay - rather, it will keep starting over and over again, until eventually it doesn’t. 

Let Me Live: yup, we’re STILL going on about Camille. Although really, I think this song applies to Magnus in a greater sense - it’s another one of those songs that just grasp what he’s about as a character. Let Me Live is about giving people your all, your heart and soul and life, and getting nothing in return. Really, it’s what Magnus always does - if not because people are actively assholes to him, then it’s because he won’t allow himself to be cared for, to be seen in all of his vulnerability, “ugly sides” and all, to cry in front of people he loves and to be anything that might be considered a “nuisance”; he lies that he’s fine constantly so as not take up other people’s times, and that just puts him in the same position. It also hints at having this being weaponized (”why don’t you take another little piece of my life / why don’t you twist it, and turn it / and cut it like a knife”). But it is, ultimately, the idea of wanting to be free from all of that, of understanding that this will get you nowhere; let me live is a cry for freedom and for being allowed to cut toxic people out of your life; it’s about wanting to breathe, and beginning to understand that this won’t be possible with them in it.

I Want To Break Free: BYE CAMILLE! Good riddance! Bitch.

Too Much Love Will Kill You: I KNOW this song is about cheating and how Brian is, like, the REAL victim of his own cheating, but just, just, hear me out. If you ignore the “you’re the victim of your crime”, “can’t you see that it’s impossible to choose” and “torn between the lover” bits, it’s way too easy to completely reinterpret this song as being about, well, loving too much and that being your downfall. And that is such a great description of Magnus and his character. He gives love so freely, tries to help everyone around him, and looks desperately for love and acceptance; but it only brings him pain, because he allows people to give him nothing in return. “I’ve been facing this alone for much too long”; “you never read the signs” (of abuse, of his mom being suicidal, of asmodeus, of camille, of his own self sabotage); “every way I go I’m bound to lose”, because if he loves, he gets hurt, and if he doesn’t, the loneliness and craving makes him crazy; or, in the words of the song, “too much love will kill you, just as sure as not at all”; “you’d give your life, you’d sell your soul, but here it [the heartbreak, the pain] comes again”. It’s way too easy to look at it through Magnus Bane lenses, and if it weren’t for the cheating part, I’d say this is the song that fits him best along with Somebody To Love. It’s not just about abuse, it’s also about his self sacrificing tendencies, about his self sabotage and hopelessness. In here, it ultimately represents his post-Camille decision to take a break from romantic love, from trying to find the solution to his pain in it; but that also meant closing off even further for a while, curating a persona and trying to hide away from others.

Killer Queen: This is his persona, in a lot of ways; sophisticated, sensuous, almost vain. I also like the “extraordinarily nice” bit, because... Yeah. Despite all of it, he’s still going around, helping others, adopting people, helping the asshole shadowhunters who treat him like shit and expecting very little in return. 

...Doing All Right: Eventually, Magnus heals. He lets go a little of the notion of being unloved and uncared for, finds himself a family and starts to allow himself to be supported by them as well as support them. It’s a slow process, but eventually, he starts to do better. He’s not there yet, but he’s got a feeling he’ll be alright son.

Living On My Own: Magnus is a lonely guy. That’s one of the first things we learn about him when he’s actually introduced (not counting the pandemonium scene, because again, facade). He’s got a huge apartment and he’s always alone in there; he’s locked himself away from love; there’s a deep vulnerability in him, one that’s surprisingly clear to see when he’s outside of the club atmosphere; he’s willing to risk his own life for a necklace because it has emotional value to him; he gets attached and wants to protect people - he likes Clary because she helped save a little girl and he’s extremely upset when Elias dies. Living On My Own encompasses everything about all of this, while simultaneously being almost upbeat, almost hiding the pain in the song while simultaneously being obvious about it; and that’s just Magnus all over. I would also like to draw attention to the verse “sometimes I feel like I’m always walking too fast”; the idea that he keeps going and leaves others behind seems very fitting for someone who’s immortal and has no choice but to go on, even if it’s alone. In here, this song represents the loneliness and wanting to be found and have company; the slow reopening to others that sets the stage for new things (and people) to come into his life.

Play The Game: Play The Game is a song about precisely that; opening up to love (again). Letting go of the fear of being hurt (”rest your weary head and let your heart decide”) and just allowing yourself to feel, to give yourself to be cared for, which he hasn’t for years - and still doesn’t completely, as we can see on seasons 2 and 3 in his relationship with Alec. But still, he’s trying, and he’s ready for it. This song is when he meets Alec, and, funnily enough, applies to that both in the sense of being about Magnus opening up, and in the sense that isn’t all that exactly what he told Alec when they first met? “Open up your mind and let me step inside”; “don’t play hard to get”; “it’s a free world”. I had never noticed before how he’s telling Alec everything he’s been trying to tell himself as well, that it’s okay to love, that there shouldn’t be fear for others, that opening up is good in the end. Ugh. I hate my life.

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy: We’re ending this playlist on a positive note, folks! Finally, some good fucking food. GOFLB is a feel-good, upbeat song about showing and receiving love, and it’s beautifully theatrical, fun and dramatic. I’ve said before, to anyone who would listen, that Magnus would adore his song and probably lipsync to it a lot, because he’s such a beautiful lovable dork, and yeah. This song is both about who he is - because he is a good old fashioned lover boy, full of love to give and who wants to care for others - but it’s also about what he wants - someone who’s willing to take care of him, romance him. And guess what, bitch, he found that! He found that in Alec, in his “when I’m staring into the eyes of the man that I love”, his beautiful dinner and almost ridiculously matter-of-fact displays of romanticism, of caring, of showing love. He’s found someone who’s willing to go to hell and back (literally) for him, who wants to romance him, who treasures and cherishes him. Ugh. Gay rights.

BONUS:

Princes Of The Universe: this is funny because it doesn’t really fits Magnus’ character, but it also kind of does. This is who Magnus could have been; powerful, on top of his game, legitimately confident. He has the blood of kings, he is immortal, he has the power beyond our comprehension that the song talks about; but he’s never really been this confident, he’s never come to be the ruler of anyone’s world; he’s just an ordinary guy, who wants to form bonds, to have people on his side, to feel loved and to overcome his insecurities. He doesn’t want to conquer the world, but he could have, and would probably do good things with it, too.

#sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #meta #overflowing trashcan #malec #yup i went very overboard with this #immortal squad #magnus bane meta #sh meta

[punkpal]

Okay i’m sorry for this rant but i am struggling and i’m running out of hope so some of y’all better donate some of yours before i combust...

Read at your own discretion.

And please if you have any lived experience of complete fucking hopelessness along with bipolar disorder (because that specific diagnosis in my rather long list of conditions is really new to me) i am not coping and could do with some advise, so please do share if you have any, it would be really helpful.

Okay so i call bullshit.

I spent 3 months in a manic episode as a result of a setting change in my brain implant (the one i got to reduce the symptoms of my ocd which obviously as per my chronic bad luck not only didn’t work or help in the slightest but also gave me bipolar)...

Then upon getting tired of waiting for the mania to disappear i changed settings after finally getting permission from my surgeon who finally had also given up hope that the mania would subside and the setting start to work to help rather then hinder.

Only for the new setting to send me on the opposite side of the spectrum and make me suicidal (luckily only for 2 weeks as i was getting ever increasingly more unsafe even whilst inpatient in a psych ward, so a change of settings was allowed quicker for my own safety). But boy did that feel like a lifetime when every waking moment of those 2 weeks felt like i was drowning.

And just because after 10 months of constant setting changers (almost all of which options i have tried) i was getting tired of getting my hopes up with a new setting change, only for it to make things worse; i went back to a really low setting as per my doctors suggestion and i thought that would be a good choice.

That setting i changed back to, i had been on before and while it didn’t help it didn’t make me worse so until i can be fucked trying new settings with the chance it would send me over the brink i opted for a safe setting that in the past has done fuck all which i am willing to deal with if it means i don’t risk getting worse.

BUT

Noooo. No rest for the wicked, my bloody fucking manias back and while i new that was a possibility as the mania was caused by a specific setting and would likely only be present on that setting. It was mentioned that there was a possibility that the mania would stay because basically of an accidental fuck up caused by that old setting that is now causing that side effect to continue even when on a otherwise reasonably safe setting.

So long story short the mania is irreversible and likely will come in and out of my life on and off indiscriminately as well as the other half of the bipolar diagnosis (i know officially have, yay) being increased long periods of suicidal ideation and i am BIB MAD.

I got this surgery to help the main out of 7 mental illnesses (ocd) and satan or karma or god or whoever the fuck dished me out a entirely new diagnosis instead of fix the one i wanted benefited.

PLUS i scored a brain infection thats the first of its kind (that my state has ever seen) as a result of this surgery despite this surgery being common - mostly used for Parkinsons. And to this day i am still facing shitty physical health as a result of this, even having to have 2 surgeries 2 weeks ago to fix damage that infection caused by that ‘life saving, mental illness curing, miracle brain surgery’.

Honestly will my bad luck ever come to an end?

Theres only so much i can take.

And worse is i fear this mania will come to an end only to segway into a episode of prolonged suicidal ideation (and even intent) like what happened last time. Because i can’t deal with that again, not on top of all the other issues my still really really really fucking bad ocd is causing me.

I don’t get why all of this is happening to me.

What did i do to deserve all of of this misfortune?

Am i getting punished for crimes my soul committed in a previous life?

Does god exist and he’s a little bitch who has it out for me and goes out of his way to make my life miserable?

Am i actually dead and living in hell paying my debt to the devil in the form long term suffering and hopelessness?

Or am i cursed? Is that it?

Whatever the reason i have had enough.

Also honest observation insert: Apparently when i started venting my manic fueled frustrations in this post my mood was still heightened but if noticeable in the sharp change of pace in this post the mania has officially began to leave the building now (which i guess was what i was asking for) but as is tradition the end of this mania (thats luckily only been going on a few days) has plunged me balls deep into the depressive part of my bipolar and man is the desire to die starting to look more and more appealing.

I won’t do anything don’t worry!

I mean i guess now i have scored the start of a break from what was only a small manic episode but exhausting nonetheless. So i can finally get a good nights sleep, because the mania was defiantly cock blocking me from achieving shut eye until tonight. So i’ll use this opportunity to catch up on a week of lost sleep (plus sleep is like a vacation from life, a short visit into destination ‘dead’) so experiencing the complete lack of being consciousness through sleep will be a nice little visit into what i crave (death) without the huge commitment that comes with death and the sadness it causes others.

Any way this last week or so of mania has not been fun but as i crash into the opposite end of that bipolar scale i am realizing how much more preferable that mania was as apposed to my current quickly declining mood. And upon reflection take back all the smack i talked about mania only because now i want to go back in time to that manic period rather be in this dangerously depressing present i am currently getting stuck in. And just argghhhh.

Right when i think it can’t get any worse it does and then this happens again and again a fucking again.

When will all this suffering end? And when it does end will it do so by eventual good luck and recovery or eventual giving up and the welcoming of death like an old friend?

Because i really do want that first option to be the case. After all thats why i chose to get this surgery - for hope of recovery (and because it was the last option in recovery that i had yet to try). Because i do hold onto hope and i do want to fight for my recovery until i eventually obtain it.

But i have been fighting for this false sense of hope for more then a decade but the longer i wait and the harder i fight for recovery the more it hurts when i get nothing but bad luck to set me backwards every time i think i have made progress. And so the vicious cycle repeats.

This toxic cycle of suffering really does make it hard to continue feeling positive about the future. Therefor at times like these i find it easier not looking at the future at all because i don’t see myself being alive long enough to be in it most of the time. And that concept actually really does put me at ease.

Nonetheless i wake up and try again and again chasing what little hope i do still have left over from the abundance of hope i used to have before over time i began to loose most of it.

This dwindling hope really does scares me though because i am worried especially now with how low i am at the moment that any day soon that hope will start to run out until i don’t have enough left to save me from myself and if that happens i see no other outcome but to welcome death and admit defeat.

And don’t get worried ‘welcoming death and admitting defeat.’ is only a back up plan, its just kind worrisome to know the current plan isn’t gong too crash hot either and that my only organized backup plan revolves death.

Any way, this letter along with my mood stating off manic as hell.

And somehow ended here. In disappear.

But i fight on, for however long i have it in me to continue fighting.

And i ask (well lets be honest at this point i am basically begging) that the powers that be give me a break. I deserve it. Look even if that break isn’t recovery can it at least be to not continue getting worse. Because i don’t know how much further down this rabbit hole i can go...

#no one will read this but if you do please help #this is literally my cry for help so as is tradition i expect to be ignored and for that i am not but but if you do read and have any advise #i'd love to hear it #tw// #trigger warning// #ocd #bipolar #mania #depression #suicide mention// #okay i don't know what else to trigger tag this with... #because i really don't want people who don't want to see this be seeing it #but also like i said if you do especially if you found this by the ocd bipolar depression mania etc tag and have any advice to give #hmu if you think you can offer a word of advise or help even a little even if you just have personal experiences you think would be helpful #because i feel so alone in this and i hate it #personal

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Cassandra Pt 2

Hi everyone! Here is the second part of the Cassandra story!

Highly recommended that you read the previous parts before this one:

Cerberus Prequel

Part 1 

Enjoy! 

I was pretty sure I was going to die. 

… Well, not really, as I had already seen the future, but still, it was not looking good for me at the moment.

I rolled, cursing loudly as an axe came crashing down beside me. The monster trying to kill me paused as it struggled to pull its weapon from the ground. I used the moment to catch my breath, this was hard! The Minotaur stood up, utilizing all eight feet of muscle it possessed. Its red eyes glared in my direction as steam poured from its snout, misting the cool autumn air. It hefted its axe a few times, and, seemingly convinced that it was in good enough condition to continue to use, started to move in my direction once more. The creature sensed my struggle as I tried to crawl away and laughed, a low, ugly sound. It irritated me.

“Hey buddy, just because I’m a little out of shape does not give you the right to laugh at me.” I grinned. “Besides, I’ve already seen your future, and trust me, it isn’t pretty.”

It ignored my words and charged towards me once again. I let out a sigh, rolling on the ground out of the way, waiting for an opportunity to strike. I hadn’t expected it to believe me.

After all, no one ever did.

My gift was also my curse, a present that turned out to be my doom, and also interestingly enough, the reason I was currently here, fighting the Minotaur.

“Please help me defeat Apollo.’’

It had been my last desperate cry for help. I was at the end of my rope. One too many times I had seen the future but been unable to save anyone. One too many times I heard a friend die while I stood by, powerless.

No more.

“…” There was only silence. I started to break out in a cold sweat. Deals with the gods were tricky business; my life was already ruined by one god, if I offended Athena as well…

“What an… interesting request.” The voice came from right behind me. I spun around, still clutching the amulet in my hands. Feeling the slight overwhelming sensation that comes from being in the presence of a god, I suppressed the urge to run away, and settled for a polite bow.

“Athena, I’m honored.”

Athena looked almost like a mortal woman at first glance, albeit with overly sharp, defined features that seemed too regular to be natural. Her intense gaze pierced me through, making feel as if she could see anything and everything. I unconsciously backed up a few steps, trying to put a little distance between us.

“I’m sure you are.” She seemed amused. “So why is Apollo’s little rebellious priestess calling my name?”

“I’m not his priestess anymore.” I cleared my throat nervously, trying to stand up straight. “I haven’t been for a few millennia, not since he cursed me.”

She chuckled, the sound sending cold chills down my spine. It carried with it the sound of war drums, of thunder and rain and unimaginable power. “Oh, little seeress, you will always be a priestess. You made an oath upon your soul to dedicate your life to serving Apollo. His… peculiarities… do not invalidate that.”

I… was not expecting that answer. I sat down on my couch, putting my head in my hands.

“So is there no way to free myself from this torture?”

“You could always agree to sleep with Apollo… he may lift your curse.” Athena suggested casually, her face coldly indifferent.

“I’d rather die.”

“Not really an option, considering he’s made you immortal.”  She smiled, the expression strangely out of place on her severe features. “Although I admire the strength needed to reject a god continuously for thousands of years.”

She sat down next to me, stretching languorously.

“You wish to be free from your current fate?”

I nodded.

“What price would you be willing to pay?”

“…” Staring at the goddess silently, I thought over the question. My current life was hell. This never ending cycle of foreseeing a terrible future, warning those around me, only to be mocked, disbelieved, until I am forced to watch them die. The terrible irony of knowing the future but being unable to change it. I wanted it to end. 

But I knew more than anyone that trying to make a deal with a god was a risky move. There were many tragic figures in worse situations than myself.

“Can you kill him?” I almost didn’t recognize my voice, it came out flat and angry.

She laughed, throwing her head back  and holding her stomach. Wiping tears from her eyes, she answered “Perhaps, I’ve never tried, but you couldn’t afford it.”

“Can you help me change my fate? Sever the connection between me and Apollo, remove my curse?”

“Much more likely, and possibly fun.” She seemed to be considering it, staring intently at me. “But it’s going to require not a small amount of work on your part.”

And so I found myself in my current situation, fighting the Minotaur to the death. I kept dodging, allowing it to run past me. We repeated this over and over, I was betting on it losing stamina and showing me an opening to strike. In one hand I clutched a dagger. Once a ceremonial knife used in sacrifices, it was the only possession I kept with me since leaving the temple of Apollo. After millennia, it was still razor sharp. 

If I could just get close enough…

My foot caught on a pile of rubble, and I lost my balance. The Minotaur laughed, throwing its head back with a roar of victory. It stepped forward, blocking any escape, and raised its axe…

“My dearest Cassandra, whatever have you gotten yourself into now?”

A casual voice spoke out, completely out of place in this bloody atmosphere.

I looked up, surprised that the axe hadn’t come crashing down on my face yet. The Minotaur was frozen into place, unable to move a single muscle. Perfectly poised in a position to strike, like a living statue. Only its eyes moved frantically, the white dominating as its pupils constricted with fear.

I, on the other hand, was free to move, and did. Without hesitation, I stood up, and quickly drew my dagger across the creature’s neck. Blood poured over my hands, and the bull head slipped down, falling to the ground with a meaty thud. The knife hadn’t even paused when cutting through bone. The body was still frozen in place, axe held aloft.  It matched perfectly with the vision I had seen of its death on my way over here.

Another prophecy come true.

“How vicious!” A dark chuckle raised the hairs on the back of my neck. “Using such an unfair advantage, not really the proper action of my priestess, is it?”

I turned to face the being I hated the most in the world. “I’m not your priestess, Apollo.”

His smile made my skin crawl, as he took slow deliberate steps towards me. I wanted to run, but found my feet rooted into place. “You are whatever I say you are.” His voice was nothing but a whisper, but it blocked out all other sounds. “Your life is bound to my will, secured there by your own oath and blood.” Only centimeters separated us, I could feel his breath on my ear, but couldn’t flinch away. “You. Are. Mine.”

I felt his power holding me in place fade and immediately tried to kick him between the legs. Instead I was thrown against the nearest wall of the labyrinth, my ears ringing with the impact. Apollo sighed with disappointment.

“Your life would be so much easier if you would just give in, my dear.”

I glared at him, spitting out blood. “Death. first.”

“How quaint.” He looked around, his expression becoming bored. “What are you even doing here? The Minotaur no longer guards any treasure, just an empty labyrinth.”

“Maybe I hoped it could kill me.” Trying to hide my panic, I struggled to my feet.

“Nice try, but then you wouldn’t have killed it the second it was caught in my power.” His gaze lazily crawled over my skin, making me want to hide. “Are you scheming against me, Cassandra?”

I tried to shake my head, but he held up a hand, stopping the movement. “No, don’t lie to me, dearest. It will only disappoint me.” He tapped a finger thoughtfully to his chin. “Well, perhaps I will leave you to it.”

“What?” I couldn’t disguise my shock.

“You haven’t looked this lively in ages, my love.” He grinned. “I want you to try your hardest, so that you’ll feel that much more despair when I pull all your clever plans down around you.”

“No…”

“And then you’ll come crawling back to me.”

“NO….”

“You’ve seen the future, Cassandra.” His smile turned cruel. “We both have. You will lose, I will win. But keep delaying the inevitable.”

I fell to my knees.

“Do your best, Cassandra.” His form was gone, but his voice whispered in my ear. “I’m looking forward to it.”

And then he was gone, leaving me alone with my despair.

I wasn’t sure how long I knelt there, tears running down my face. I knew this feeling of hopelessness well. It had been a constant companion over the thousands of years that Apollo had been playing this game with me. I had resisted for so long…

I shook my head. I would keep resisting. If there was even only one breath left within me, I would use it to curse him on my way to hell. It may be hopeless.

But I was not going down without a fight.

I moved forward, working my way through the labyrinth. I counted turns, keeping  track of my location as I made my way to the center.

Apollo had been right, there was no treasure here. It had once been a prison for the original monster. Then it became a holding place for great treasures. But over the years, they had been plundered by the gods or their human heroes, and there was nothing but blood and violence left. No one came to the labyrinth anymore.

But I wasn’t looking for treasure. 

I came to find someone.

I finally reached the center of the labyrinth. In it, a simple, lovely cottage rested. Surrounded by a beautiful garden of flowers, it wouldn’t have been out of place in a fairy tale book… if it weren’t for the statues.

Guarding the house, horrible twisted stone statues stood all around the perimeter. Humans, monsters… all trapped in a moment of indescribable pain, in incredible lifelike detail.

As I looked on, shivering with fright, I felt a darkness take over my vision.

No! NOT NOW! I silently screamed but it was too late.

It was a vision of the future, but not one of me. Before me stood a beautiful woman, her appearance only marred by her waist long hair being made entirely of living, writhing snakes. Dressed in black with proud eyes and an arrogant smile, she extended a hand holding a blade. A young, handsome man stood before her, carrying a large, mirrored shield. It was cracked, broken. He was thrown to the ground, about to be defeated… She was laughing with delight, not paying attention to her surroundings. I screamed a warning, but it made no sound.

An unseen hand stabbed her from behind.

The woman stumbled, confused, and the young hero stood up, his sword raised. I ran forward, wanting to grab his hand, but I passed right through him as the blade came down, chopping through her neck. Her head rolled off her shoulders, her mouth stretched in a silent scream, her eyes wide open and afraid.

NO!

As I cried out, the blackness faded, and I woke up in unfamiliar surroundings.  I looked around. I was on a soft bed, surrounded by warm, colorful furnishings.

Where was I?

“I presume you are lost?” the sentence was lazily drawn out, as if the speaker were too bored to bother to get the words out faster.

I jumped to my feet, searching around the cottage, but seeing no one. “Hello?”

Stepping out of the shadows, the woman from my vision frowned as she continued to question me. She looked exactly how she had when I had seen her death, except now she was wearing dark sunglasses over her eyes. I was grateful, I didn’t feel like spending the rest of my life as a stone statue. Apollo would probably use to it decorate his bedroom or something equally distasteful.

“Why are you here?” The impatience in her voice brought me out of my reverie.

“Medusa?” I stepped forward, a smile on my face. “I’m looking for you!”

Her blade came out, pressed against my throat. “You found me.” her face was stoic, without seeing her eyes I could only assume she was angry. “Now who told you where I was?”

This… was not going well. “It was Athena. She said she was calling in a favor?”

“That stupid witch. I thought we agreed to leave each other alone?” Medusa was muttering under her breath, as she turned away from me to pour herself a drink from a bottle of clear fluid.

Definitely not going well. “She also said, if you come help us, she will give you what you are searching for.”

THAT got her attention. She finished her drink in a single gulp and her face stretched out in a grin. “Why didn’t you start with that?! Let’s go.”

It took two flights and a cab ride  to get to the location Athena had told me to meet her at. Throughout the whole trip Medusa stayed silent. Not wanting to force her to interact, I thought carefully through the vision I had had of her death. I knew that simply telling her about it wouldn’t work. She wouldn’t believe me. I could only look for the people around her, to see if I could identify which person would betray her and stop them.

I hoped she wouldn’t join the list of tragedies I couldn’t prevent.

We finally arrived, to a broken down hotel surrounded by a lake. As we stepped onto a boat driven by a hooded man, I felt our environment change. We were no longer in the realm of humanity. This place was different. I shivered in the cold and wind, hearing the screams of the damned. I knew where we were now.

The Underworld.

I wanted to run away, but before I could lose my nerve…

“Welcome to our home!” We were greeted by a smiling couple and dragged inside for tea.

“Athena should be here any minute.” The young woman guided Medusa and me to sit down on a couch and sat in between us, grinning from ear to ear. “In the meantime, let’s get to know each other!”

“They may not want to talk about themselves, Persephone.” The man pouring the tea gently corrected the woman. “Please excuse my wife.” He handed each of us a cup with an apologetic smile. “She tends to forget that not everyone wants to be her new best friend.”

I stared at him, confused for a moment. The smiling, polite man was HADES? God of the dead? And this bouncing smiling woman was Persephone, Queen of the Underworld?

“Shush, they will if you don’t talk them out of it! Then what am I supposed to do with the friendship bracelets I made?” Persephone grumbled a bit, before turning to Medusa. 

“I already know who you are, dear, and I’m glad to see you aren’t dead.”

Medusa grinned, seemingly despite efforts to keep a straight face. “I’m glad to not be dead.”

“See!” She turned to Hades with a smile. “We already have something in common!” As she spoke, a large three headed black dog jumped onto the couch, licking my hand with a whine. “Cerberus! No licking the guests during tea!”

The dog ignored her reprimand, and I couldn’t help but pet it in response. It was just too cute!

“Anyways, Medusa, I’m sure Athena has been up to her shenanigans, but I’ve heard what you’ve been through… if Poseidon or that pipsqueak Perseus ever show up near you again… just call out to me, dear. I’ll cut their man parts off and feed them to Cerberus.”

“PERSEPHONE!” Hades interjected, shocked, but his wife simply waved off his concerns.

“Oh don’t worry so much, I can take them.” She then turned away from the stunned gorgan and looked at me with a smile. “And I assume you are Cassandra?”

“Yes.” She had surprised me at every turn, but still the giant hug caught me off guard.

“THANK YOU!” She actually had tears in her eyes. “You sent me those seeds, right? If you hadn’t, my husband and I might not be back together.”

“Oh… it wasn’t a big deal.” I had been acting on impulse, a vision of a young woman eating seeds and becoming happy. I was glad that it had worked out so well.

“Oh it is a big deal! You are such a wonderful girl….” Her eyes squinted, as she seemed lost in thought. “You both are…”

“Persephone…” Hades had a warning tone.

“I’ve got it!”

“Don’t…”

“You’re both adopted!” With that she hugged both of us, and shocked into silence, Medusa and I simply looked at each other with confusion.

Hades groaned. “I’m sorry, she does this a lot.” He pulled her off of us and sat her next to him. “Sweetheart… you can’t adopt every person that you like. They are fully grown women… surely they don’t need…”

“Are you trying to separate me from my lovely daughters?” Persephone was pouting. “Of course they’re grown women! Doesn’t mean they don’t need a good mother now and then!” She turned back to us with a smile. “You two are okay with being adopted, right?”

Who could turn down the puppy dog eyes she had?

I found myself nodding, and to my amusement, saw Medusa mimicking the gesture.

“Great! That’s settled. Just so you know, I don’t tolerate others who bully my children. If anyone ever bothers you…” She cracked her knuckles, and the whole realm seemed to shake with power. “Let me know. I’ll kill them and hide the bodies.”

Hades sighed. “She’s like this now, what will she be like if she actually gives birth?”

“I’d start preparing soon…” The words escaped before I could hold them back.

“What?”

“Never mind!” I shook my head. But I could see it. Not a full vision, but a glimpse into their future. A tall, handsome man, with his father’s dark hair and kind eyes, but his mother’s mischievous grin. Wow.

I didn’t have long to contemplate the view, however, as a new presence joined us.

“Welcome everyone.” Athena walked forward her eyes taking everything in. “Let’s talk about what needs to be done.”

“What is this all about, Athena?” Persephone looked curious.

The goddess smiled. “Not much, We are just going to break into the realm of fate, and change Cassandra’s thread of destiny.”

I felt my jaw drop. Wasn’t that a little much to ask of strangers? To my surprise, Persephone was already nodding.

“Anything for my daughter. Count Cerberus and me in. Hades has to tend the underworld, though.”

Medusa agreed quickly as well. “If you pay me with the information you promised. I would go to Olympus itself and cut off Zeus’s beard.”

They all turned to me. I was overwhelmed. Just earlier today I had been caught in despair, hopeless, without a way out. Even with their help though…

I sighed, feeling obligated to warn them. “You should all know, I’ve seen a vision of a future, where I face off against Apollo.” I looked away, not wanting to see their expressions. “I lose.”

“…” There was a moment of silence. I felt my shoulders hunch over, my head hanging low.

“You really are cursed.” Persephone reached out and lifted my chin, smiling brightly. “I don’t believe a single word of that prophecy.”

“W-What?”

Medusa snorted. “Don’t worry so much. The future is bad? We’ll just change it.”

I felt tears run down my face. “Everyone… thanks.”

Persephone’s grin turned vicious. “Thank us after you stomp all over that twat Apollo’s face!”

Laughing out loud, Athena raised her hand. “So can I assume you are all willing to join in this plan?”

We all nodded.

“Then let’s get started.”

#writing #short story #cassandra #part 2 #long post #greek mythology #short stories continued #part 3 will happen eventually i promise

[susventingdolphins]

My sister no longer feels like a friend (No TL;DR, but if you want to get to the last breaking incident and skip the past context / events go to the bottom)

I (23) have these two friends I'll call them L (21) and X (23), L has been like a sister to me for 3 years. I still love her as one but so much has happened that I don't love her as a friend anymore. L and X I've helped with their mental health since I met them, L for 3 years I've been her on call pseudo friend-therapist trying to help her so she could eventually get professional help for herself. Its been non stop taking care of her and having friends around us favor her and abuse me and neglect me to force me to be the perfect "caretaker" for her by "toughening me up" L knew about this but shrugged it all off. L Rarely reciprocated with listening to me, when i did try to go to her she'd be judgemental and threaten me to force me into things I didn't want to do. So eventually I rarely went to her unless it was dumb friend sh*t and nothing big in my life. And even then it was only when I wanted to end my own life did I go to her. But she always blew me off and it was my husband who had to pull me back each time.

The major issues though? It started off last year First incident with L Blew off my past abuse out of no where, using her religion to push me into forgiving the man who sexually, physically and verbally abused me, gave my whole family ptsd, gave my mother physical scars, screwed up and ruined my one brothers knee, hurt me so badly that I live with constant physical pain as a result from too much force / physical trauma to my body. But L told me I had to forgive him that abuse is a cycle and only god can judge. When I told her to stop and told her she should know better as shes been through verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from both of her parents. She insisted I was being ridiculous by still hating him and having ptsd from him. Got angry and offended and told me again only god can judge and that im not allowed to or I'll go to hell. Second Incident with L She compared me to her abusive mother out of the blue when I was trying to help prevent L from ending her own life scared for her, all because she had insecurities and anxiety and outright admitted to me she let her imagination run wild and painted a completely different version of me in her own head, yet she still judged me for the actions of that imagined version things I never even did or said and she held them against me. Third incident with L She knows I have a fear of men bc of my PTSD, Men are terrifying even online for me, the older they are the worse it is. It causes me major panic attacks so I prefer to outnumber men with females and nonbinary friends when Im with new men so I don't feel overwhelmed. I like to take things slow with men. L however thought it was a good idea to throw me in a group chat with 5 men and just the two of us and to make it worse pressured and forced us into a voice call, acting depressed and hurt if I didn't join. She told me she was trying exposure therapy to help me get over it. I never asked her to do such a thing and I had a major panic attack. I got angry at her for this and she got defensive and angry and when I didn't let it go she then wanted to take her own life again. When I apologised to her for being mad and forced myself to let it go suddenly she was all rainbows and sunshine again. Fourth Incident with L I had a dangerous ex friend, who I couldn't leave bc they were threatening me and had found out my IP address. L knew this I spoke to her about this. I legally could do nothing bc it was JUST online they hadn't made a move yet so I couldn't get legal help. L forced me to leave that ex friend threatening to leave me as a friend if I didn't and assured me I'd be fine if I broke it off, told me I don't really trust her or love her if I didn't. Even though I told L of the risks and the fact I couldn't legally protect myself because even if the ex did do something cyber crimes are often brushed off in my town and laughed off unless she DOES leak the IP or my address (and often times thats still ignored until someone physically tries to harm me or stalk me). It doesn't stop her from leaking everything else about me. The ex friend then leaked all my emails, my social medias, my face, to people online, including to hate groups of asexuals, knowing I was ace, one of the biggest things I wanted to avoid. the IP didn't get leaked but the ex friend did threaten to leak it if I went against her again, I then had a lot of threats flooding my email address after. Now as for long standing issues over the past 3 years 1. She would always bring up how much she hated her skinny body when I felt insecure of being fat 2. She would always get mad at me for wanting to lose weight because she felt I was hating on myself by wanting to lose even one pound, told me god made me this way and I was being disrespectful if I change it, even when it was for medical reasons. 3. She insinuated a lot that I wasn't good enough for my husband that because I have depression he deserved better 4. She threatened me all the time to tell my brother who has depression, that I was suicidal and pile all of my own problems on him knowing it'd

hurt him if I ever ended my friendship with her, she'd do this whenever I got mad at her for anything. 5. She never accepted that she hurt me a lot, instead she'd either suddenly want to die every single time until I let it go or she'd try to gaslight me into making it all my fault she hurt me. I never could communicate with her. 6. she constantly criticised me for not having as easy of a time learning as other people and for being unable to grasp anything in math (except the basics) and science. She also constantly corrected and mocked and made fun of me for my punctuation and grammar and discouraged me from following my dreams to become an author. 7. Constantly got jealous about all my new friends and trash talked them 8. Flirted with my IRL big brother trying to lead him on and use him to cheat, when she was in relationships with other men and knew my brother was off limits. 9. Trash talked my mother no matter how many times I got angry at her for it. 10. Forced me to voice chat and do so often without breaks, even when I didn't want to though she knew I had major anxiety involving using my actual voice to speak (its linked to my social anxiety, its weird and I don't get it myself. But speaking physically genuinely mentally pains me to do) 11. Sent me monetary gifts even when I told her not to, and always joked about me owing her, and went on about how much money they cost her and how much of her money she had left. 12. All the gifts she did send me was things she liked that she knew I disliked and she got angry if I didn't fall in love with these things. 13. Would disrespect my s*x repulsion (part of my own asexuality. Its my side of the spectrum) and force me into uncomfortable topics talking all about her having s*x with her boyfriends. For those wondering why X is also a problem: through all these each time I asked him what to do when talking to L didn't work, X excused her behaviour and blamed and pinned everything on me for "not trying hard enough to be a good friend, not being understanding enough, not being patient enough. You know how L is, its just her nature! You should be putting more legwork in to make up for it, you know she loves you. would she put up with you if she didn't? She only wants what is best for you, give her a break. Shes doing this all for you. You have to take care of her! you owe her, she deserves it." ‼️LAST INCIDENT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO READ ALL OF THIS‼️ then the most recent incident with her some context first: I take mental health breaks, I am bluntly honest about what im going through if asked if I trust someone. If you're not part of the problem I always let you know why im leaving even if I don't go into detail. This is something I've said and made clear numerous times over the years and even warn people about the day we become friends so they have time to back out if they can't handle a friendship that isn't constant messaging. L and X for the past 6 months have ghosted me and been cold towards me, responding maybe 1 / 20 times and always short and curt unless they needed help for something. The whole time I waited for them, I helped them even when I was having bad day after bad day, my own mental health was dipping which i informed them of incase I seemed cold after awhile and couldn't keep up being bubbly. But I kept trying to make their day sending cute little supportive messages constantly and checking up on them bi-daily when I knew it was particularly a hard week for them. I waited and waited thinking "They will talk to me when they need me or when they feel ready. It'll be okay, Whatever it is we can tackle it together" and this is also something I expressed to them, that I noticed something is wrong but I'm here if they need me whenever they are ready. That the option is always open and I loved them. Then they got colder and colder, they started making snide jabs at me all the time which I brushed off as them having a bad day every single time. They made jabs about every part of my personality being annoying, my appearance being annoying and treated my

looks with disgust, they hated every single thing I got into and liked and got angry if I didn't like every single thing they did, they found any reason to criticise me those 6 months every single day. And on my 3 year friendship anniversary with them they treated me even colder and picked a bunch of small fights with me throughout the whole day from what games i was playing, to my choice of clothes, to what I ate to how much and how little I spoke, everything was wrong wrong wrong. Then fast forward to 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago L started a huge fight with me L told me my depressive break downs were pity parties minimized and scoffed and laughed at them. She told me My husband only puts up with me and I don't deserve him and im abusive and toxic for having depression that because I don't get better it hurts everyone else that I can't be happy all the time and im toxic because I "choose to have depression" She told me Im abusive for taking mental health breaks that by taking them and walking away from all social media for a few days at a time, im "practically telling us we're not good enough and we're unloveable." and that I am toxic for taking breaks. Her words. Im toxic for being friends with people I've fought with in the past and "stupid, naive, retarded, foolish, cowardly" that I love the pain and bathe in it and thats why I never get better. That im a "sh*tty friend for being depressed" told me to just willpower away my depression and anxiety. She told me I deserved to be depressed and have anxiety, told me I brought it on myself, told me my past didn't matter that my PTSD is my own fault, told me I never had to be perfect (I did in the past as a kid have to be to avoid being given to an abusive criminal bc he had this town wrapped around his finger into believing he was innocent as can be, this is something that lasted with me from I assume PTSD, I strive to be perfect to fix all my flaws I possibly am able to, and hide most of my negative emotions. This has never ever effected how I treated others, only how I treat myself. It also is something I've tried for years to snap out of but never been able to manage to.) and that im no ones saviour (never said, acted or claimed I was) and to stop helping other people, told me im nothing and no one and no one cares about me. Told me I don't matter and no one would care if I did die that im insignificant. She told me she was hurt I don't talk to them how I feel about them and keep it to myself instead when she knows they are hurting me. She then compared herself to my ex friend who abused me for 6 years straight and numerous times had tried to drive me to suicide. She then told me It was my fault she has insecurities. When I told X all that happened X blamed me for it telling me I deserved it and everyone else was too cowardly and everyone was thinking it and wanted to do it to me. He then told me he loved me and wanted me to talk to him how I felt about him, so I was honest decided "Okay I must be in the wrong if they both are upset" I apologised to them both for everything they accused me of because I genuinely felt bad. L and I kept talking because I was trying to fix things, L told me that I X and Her "Know we aren't your only friends but it'd be nice if we were, I'd like that it'd make me so much happier" She told me that she feels like she has to change to a warmer person and im a bad person for her feeling that way because she feels like she has to match up to my energy because I get depressed when they ignore and ghost me for weeks on end that its just "how we are, its our nature. We're cold people" Then turned around in the fight to tell me I have to change and become colder, that they hate who I am as a person, they hate that im affectionate and get attached to people. L told me X and her have been talking behind my back, sent me logs of it of the two of them insulting and mocking me and told me they did it out of love and frustration and in those logs X had told L many of my secrets I trusted X with, he didn't keep a single one. I went back to

X deciding to be honest since they want honesty, and told him about what L showed me and that I didn't trust the two of them anymore after this and the things said were harsh and hurted a lot and a lot of it did feel inaccurate while some things were on the nose, and he told me he didn't want to be my brother anymore, told me I was a bad friend and I again deserved what panda did, then he ghosted me. After this all happened, I snapped and something clicked and changed inside and I felt cold towards them. Affectionate to those who actually showed me love, and happier again because I trusted L the most and she broke my heart. It felt like I hit an epiphany. I became a new person, I changed my name online, I cut off toxic friends, I patched things up with old friends, I communicated more about my feelings so there'd be no misunderstandings anymore with good friends because of my own anxiety and insecurities with them. I was happier I had really good friends by my side who love me. I was a new me, I found myself again and it felt like there was light again in a tunnel that has been long and dark since I was 12. Fast forward to 3 days ago and she messaged me again after us not talking since that incident. She apologised and I felt relieved, but thats not the end. Her apology took a very unexpected turn. She told me she was only sorry she never said anything earlier, but she did not regret a single thing she said or did to me over the years since we met and especially not what she said and did that day. She told me again I was a horrible human being for being depressed and toxic for hating my own appearance and trying to lose weight. She then said "I know better, I knew better and let my own insecurities get to me. But its YOUR fault. You never told me otherwise. I didn't go to you either but you never told me what I needed to hear, you're supposed to be good at reading people, its your fault not mine" Told me that she is hurt by me for me taking mental health breaks, said I was doing it to be malicious to her and X, that there was no way I wasn't, even though she "knows better her insecurities say its that way so it has to be and its my fault for making her feel insecure." She then told me she wants to stop being friends but also wants to hold onto me. Told me I'd have to do a lot of work, when I spoke to her about all she ever did that hurt me, how I felt she turned around and made it all about herself. She then told me it'd be me that would have to change who I am as a person. "Become colder, Stop caring about others, Be warmer to us, don't leave us behind, stop taking mental health breaks" Then she told me "Its my fault you changed, I did well but I don't like how you changed. I pushed you onto that new path leaving myself stuck behind. I dislike this new you, I didn't expect for that to change your whole life and who you were. I don't like it, maybe we can change it back and be friends again" She then told me "the misunderstanding caused me to distrust you, you'll have to repair that if you want us to be friends still. I'll TRY but you have to fix everything or this wont work out" If we do stay friends shes going to be a casual video games only kind of friend only bc I still do love her. But honestly if we stop being friends Im fine with that too. Either way shes lost all right to be a big part of my life again and shes lost trust she'll never get back from me.

#Toxic friends #Toxic friendship #Trigger Warning #tw suicide #tw depression #sorry for the rant #rant #3 year anniversary

[stabigail]

it's been a rough day at the end of a rough few weeks for me, with no tangible improvement in sight. the number of conversations i've seen on social media regarding anthony bourdain's suicide have been tough to stomach, and as a result i've been carefully curating both my social and social media time. i didn't know anthony bourdain, nor do i have any real emotional connection to his work, so this is not in response to his suicide specifically. this is about my response to the way people grieve over, and by extension talk about, suicide.

my first outwardly expressed suicidal ideation was at age 7, so 20 years ago. from then until a few years after i left home, i was in an almost constant state of wanting to kill myself. for the past 5 years or so, i have spent approximately 1/4 of my time actively suicidal--which i have to emphasize is a vast, VAST improvement over the rest of my life. i don't think i realized what it was like to not feel suicidal until i was 20 or 21. that i am able to go several days at a time without wanting to be dead these days is kind of a miracle.

an increase in intensity of suicidal ideation is tied to my menstrual cycle these days--premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or pmdd, something they did not teach me about in health class and i didn't learn about until i was in my 20s. i've been on several different birth control medications, some of which have helped more than others. my current birth control helped me to have my first suicidal ideation-free month last month. it was incredible. i was so, so happy and so relieved.

but rl crises happen. i can't control the world. so it's june 8, and i've spent the first 8 days of june wanting to die. my emotional stability is the most fragile organism i could imagine, and the second something changes even slightly for the negative, the second the balance becomes imperfect, i lose what i've worked so hard for.

understand that i'm not striving for happiness. i'm not striving to get out of bed with a smile. i'm not even necessarily striving to be able to get out of bed. i'm striving to not want to kill myself. i'd settle for wanting to kill myself a little, but for the thoughts being of a medium volume, one that i can tune out if i keep busy.

when a loved one or a celebrity kills themselves, people talk about what a surprise it was, how they can't believe it's happened. even if that person has a history of mental illness, of depression, even of suicide attempts, the reaction is one of surprise. i can't speak for everyone, but every time my head breaks the surface out of a suicidal spiral, i'm surprised i'm still alive. every birthday surprises me. every new month surprises me. i am shocked and awed every time i think about killing myself and don't do it.

this is the part (probably later than it should be) that i say i'm not in crisis at the moment. i say this because i'm not, but also because the natural reaction of those confronted by even the briefest mention of suicide is to ask, "are you okay?" this is the wrong question, unfortunately. i'm not even sure there's a right question. the honest answer to "are you okay?" from a chronically suicidal individual is almost always going to be "no." the honest answer to the next question--"what can i do?"--is always going to be "nothing." people want to fix things, people want to help in crisis, that's natural. i do it. i find myself doing it even in response to friends' periods of suicidal ideation. but the truth of the matter is that being reassured that you are loved and that people are there for you is not always, or even usually, enough for a suicidally depressed individual.

the article that i read about anthony bourdain this morning had a list of suicide hotlines at the bottom. i'm not knocking that; i think it's incredible, actually, that at least in parts of our society we consider it a moral duty to provide each other with resources after potentially triggering content, or for people who may be feeling similarly unwell to the subject of the article, in this case. it really made me smile to see that, despite the contents of the article itself. but i have to admit that sometimes i wonder who suicide hotlines are for: the people who are suicidal, or the people who feel helpless at their own helplessness in the face of suicidal impulses.

this isn't just bitter cynicism based on nothing on my part. my experiences with suicide hotlines are limited but deeply negative. during the worst period of my suicidal ideation as an adult--that is, after i was cognizant of discrete periods of suicidal ideation and cared enough about my own well-being at least in the abstract to actually take steps to protect myself--i called and messaged several different suicide hotlines several times. each time, i was either disconnected, never connected, or fed a script that i could have found on a 90s very special episode about how life is worth living and this will pass. on the very last contact i tried to make with a hotline, i asked the man on the other end if he had any regional resources for mental health that i could access in my area, or if he knew anyone who might know of such resources. this was a state call line, so it wasn't an outlandish request. he treated it like i was asking for a cure for depression. he was rude, dismissive, and downright cruel. i will never call a suicide hotline again.

i'm sure there are plenty of great experiences with suicide hotlines out there, and i'm not trying to discount suicide hotlines as a concept. i think for people who have occasional suicidal episodes, they probably work pretty well. for people like me, though, who have been suicidal more of their life than they've not been suicidal, just hearing "this too will pass" doesn't work. because it isn't true, not really. maybe in a few days i won't want to kill myself, maybe i'll even get lucky and go a whole month feeling okay to be alive--sad sometimes, but like life is worth living. but it won't ever go away. all the advice anyone can give won't make it go away. i can get better at coping, i can learn new skills, i can make the good times stretch longer if i try really hard, but i can't fix it, and neither can anyone else.

i'm lucky: i have friends with oceans-deep empathy who require nothing of me when i'm in my worst headspaces, who gently correct me when i'm cruel to myself, who tell me i don't have to be sorry for feeling the way i do. i have a therapist who understands that when she asks if i'm suicidal and i answer yes, it doesn't always mean a hospital visit is necessary--which means i can be honest with her, as i haven't been honest with a mental health practitioner in years, as i still can't be with my prescribing psychiatrist. i'm very lucky. but there are times when i look at how most people still address suicide and suicidal ideation and am reminded how impossible it is to understand if you haven't been there. i wish it was an easier experience to explain, so it was easier to understand why sometimes hearing "it's going to be okay" or "what can i do to help" just makes it worse. i wish i could explain how brave people with persistent suicidal ideation are to still be here. i wish i could explain what it feels like to carry other people's fear of their own helplessness in the face of your mental illness, on top of that mental illness. i wish i could explain how much it hurts that some days i can't function through my mental illness and must instead survive through it--that getting through to the end of the day is the only victory i get. how it doesn't feel like a victory. how it feels like failure.

i guess sometimes i wish the dialogue surrounding suicide was less about the grief of those living, or the tragedy of the dead, but the stubborn strength of surviving through suicidal ideation as long as one possibly can. maybe that's not a healthy perspective to have on the subject, but it's mine.

#suicide tw #suicidal ideation tw #personal #mental health

[gmarytherese]

The only life worth living

Perhaps some lessons in life, we are meant to walk through them ourselves before we will actually learn and become convicted. Growing up in church and around God-fearing friends and adults, I was constantly told that choosing Christ will bring me greater fulfilment, joy and peace. For the largest part of my life, I trusted these words as words of truth. I'm not one to question unnecessarily, possibly cause of sloth, but in any case I never questioned it. I believed fully that it is only in pursuing what is of God that I will be satisfied.

Yet last year, everything for me came crashing down. Since 2012 after a relationship ended, I sought to focus fully on Christ and in seeking Him with all my heart. I held on closely to the belief that if I focus fully on Christ, He will clear my path before me and give me what my heart seemingly desired the most at the right time. And so it is in 2016 that I felt that God has finally answered the desires of my heart and that was to send me a man who was God fearing.

"I knew my God was a faithful God; years of being faithful to Him are finally rewarded by granting me this relationship."

How transactional my thoughts were! Yet, those were my genuine thoughts and emotions then. I felt that the years of being faithful to Christ and constantly choosing Him was finally rewarded. Yet, the relationship came to an end very quickly and my world turned upside down.

I felt betrayed by God, angry even. What was the point of being faithful to Christ when what I ended up with was yet another heartbreak? Slowly but surely, the anger began to die down; but what replaced that anger on the other hand, was indifference and apathy. Precisely because I was angry with God, I chose to stay away from Him. Thus, I found comfort with my non-church friends who would bring me out for drinks and to just have a good time to unwind and get my mind off things.

Over time, I started to question what many have told me since I was young.

"Can I really only find fulfilment, peace, joy and happiness in the church and in Christ?"

I started to question because I looked around me and saw that my friends who were not christians continued to live what seemed like happy and contented lives! For years I found myself choosing to sacrifice desires of my heart in order to be faithful to Christ; yet here I was with a broken heart while my non Christian friends, had the beautiful live that I wanted! Many are happily married or engaged, and the future holds such a beautiful promise of raising families. That had long been my dream, but I found myself so far from it. What a fool I must have been! Must I really choose to sacrifice all these because Christ is inviting me for more? I mean, can he really offer me more than what my non Christian friends have, cause frankly, they seem happy enough.

With that, I convinced myself that it was okay to choose to live a life apart from Christ. I still went for community sessions and for daily mass even, but my heart was far from Christ. I started to live as a child of the world and not just god's child in the world. After the heartbreak, I longed for companionship and now without any guilt in my indifferent and apathetic heart, I sought to fill my desires for companionship by being with a guy who was going after me.

"Everyone in our world does it now. People who are attracted to each other just get together, sleep together and all of that and they are happy! I can live that life too! Honestly, who cares about Christ's standards when all it seems to bring is pain and sacrifice."

And so with these thoughts and new found beliefs, I dived head in into living this life of merely seeking for temporal pleasures.

Slowly, life became a meaningless routine. I would wake up every morning, attend daily mass and then head to work. After work, I would either go out to drink with friends or hang out with the guy to satisfy my need for companionship and then head home to rest. Next morning, the cycle repeats itself. Everyday was the same and life became monotonous and meaningless.

Yet in those few months on hindsight, I saw how God continued to reach out his hand towards me, beckoning me to come home.

"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won't he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it?

- Luke 15:4

During the night when i found myself alone with my thoughts (because I somehow didn't fill my day up with activities), I felt the most extreme and intense pangs of loneliness.

Whenever I met my friends for drinks, or whenever I'm with that guy, I was happy. Yet, this happiness didn't last long and I found myself constantly seeking for yet another drinking session or night with the guy when the pleasure and happiness from the previous session wears off.

I felt like I was hooked onto a drug that could only give me a high for short period of time, and I constantly needed and craved for more. The scary part was that I knew if I didn't fill my days with these activities, I would come face to face with essentially the pains and loneliness that my heart has been trying to alert me too; and so to avoid that, I sought to fill my days and nights with more activities, and more superficial and self seeking relationships. I found myself trapped in a vicious cycle of superficiality and selfishness.

But as I wrote earlier, our God is a God who constantly pursues even though none of us are worthy of his time and his love. The moments of grace came when I found myself in unplanned moments of silence and aloneness as I lay on my bed at night. My heart had felt happiness no doubt when I was with my friends and the guy, yet alone, I realised how my life became meaningless and I found myself incredibly alone. Though I was constantly surrounded by people, even a guy who was attracted to me and vice versa, I found myself experiencing the greatest loneliness I have ever experienced when these temporal satiation wears off. But what was truly unbearable, was the thought that I was not living for anything anymore. I was merely existing, no longer living.

I found that I no longer lived for anything as everyday just became a routine and a constant seeking of temporal pleasures. Honestly, it is in these moments of true aloneness that one begins to realize the true state of one's life. I realised life for me, became reduced to one of loneliness and meaninglessness.

And it was in this darkest moment of my life, that I knew the people in church were right. I can only live a fulfilled life that is joy and peace filled if I choose to walk in the way of Christ. Sure, choosing to walk in the way that Christ is calling me to walk involves a lot of sacrifice and pain, and frankly sometimes seem foolish in the eyes of the world.

Yet from my own experience, I firmly believe that it is easy to be fooled by the happy faces that we see around us into believing that maybe we don't need Christ in our lives. If you saw me when I was drinking with my friends or with the guy, I would exude happiness, as though I was contented with life. Yet, what we do not see are the moments where these people find themselves alone and faced with the reality of the state of their lives, just as I had experienced when I lay alone on my bed at night.

Are they truly happy living a life apart from Christ, we will never know. What I know is that in those few months of rebelling and choosing to walk in the ways of the world, I never felt more alone and I found life incredibly meaningless. What was the point of living if it is just chasing after what is temporal and short lived?

With that realisation when I found myself alone and having to face the reality of my life and soul then, I understood that I needed to allow Christ back in my life and that began the slow process of coming back to Him. It was difficult because I had to break off the relationship that though granted me the companionship I desired, also became an obstacle to me giving my life and heart entirely to Jesus. After weeks of wrestling with God, I was granted the grace and courage to end the relationship with finality; and with that painful and difficult choice, I was finally able to move on and mend my relationship with Jesus.

Although I had been so unfaithful to Christ, I knew that He was still pursuing me and wanted my heart to be His completely and so ending the relationship was essential. I still suffer the consequences of ending the relationship cause I still see this guy at times, and there continues to be a lot of tension and awkwardness. Yet, I understood that this is just one of the tiny crosses that I have to bear to once again get back onto the path of Christ. I choose to bear the cross of awkwardness, tension and pain in exchange for eternal joy and salvation.

To say that the mere realisation that my life has been reduced to just chasing after temporal pleasures was enough to steer me back onto the path of eternal joy and salvation would be an oversimplification and inaccurate. What God blessed me with during that time (and still continues too), were friends who continued to pray for me and to challenge me to come back. I know that without the prayers and the constant support of these friends that Christ has placed in my life, I would still be lost in the vicious cycle of superficiality.

Looking back, I see how I could have avoided those months of darkness if I had just listened to the words spoken to me since young about the joy and fulfilment that only life with Christ can bring. Yet I also acknowledge that without having gone through this experience myself, I would never have been as convicted of how necessary Christ is in my life and in everybody's life. And most importantly, I am immensely grateful that God never gave up on me though I tried to ran far away from His love.

"Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you."

- Psalm 139:7-12

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, don't settle for less just cause it is easier or when things get tough in life, because trust me, the joy and peace from following Christ's way far outweighs the sacrifices and sufferings that He invites us to carry this day. Trust me.

[sixmorningsafter]

76 Theses

Oh hey there, Gabi. Long time no see. Hope your summer is going well as if I don’t already know because I follow you on Instagram, and I hope your med school prep isn’t destroying you I’m going to grad school in the fall, so girl I can only imagine. EDIT: GIRL HOW DID YOU POST A CHAPTER TWO DAYS BEFORE YOU MOVED AND STARTED OVER IN ANOTHER PLACE FOR FREAKIN’ MED SCHOOL

LMAOOOO FWIW I didn’t start over, I literally moved like 30 minutes away (and my family did a solid 75% of the work because what are big over-involved Puerto Rican families for). Summer was GLORIOUS. And 6 months ago, loooooool, I’M THE WORST. But you’re the best. This review is the best. Hope you’re crushing grad school (I know you are instinctively but I also know you are because I’ve talked to you about it and despite your humble nonsense I can tell you’re killin’ it). ANYWAY, diving on in to this literary masterpiece of a review:

Anyways, let me start by saying, literally every time you post a new chapter, I think “I’m ready, let’s go”. But literally, every time I read a new chapter, I am not ready, and you slay me every single freakin’ time. Dude, I have no clue how you do it, but every time, I die. Any more deaths, and I’d be a freakin’ Winchester.

A/N: looooool that’s incredible because every time I post a new chapter I think ‘this is it, this is where everyone realizes I don’t actually know how to write, it’s been fun’. But in all seriousness, girl, the fact that you make a point to send reviews after every chapter and go into detail like this is just–like honestly it’s reason enough to crank out 30K words of my bullshit. Not even kidding. If literally no one but you read this story I’d still write it because getting your hilarious whip-smart reviews are life. It’s so appreciated. It’s so appreciated.  

Off the bat, while you may believe this is a “filler” chapter, it is a damn good filler I wish I could write filler chapters as nicely and uniquely wtf. If you meant filler as in full of wonderful delightfulness, then yas girl this is the filler-est of filler chapters. Because if you meant this is some fluff piece that has nothing of substance, if you thought for once second that we aren’t thriving off the Bamon drama of the Steroline giggles, we’d all have to chase you out of town good thing you’re already moving.

This chapter is amazing, and on a personal spiritual level, I still can not get over your similes. I know that sounds silly and amateur, but while you’re hella awesome at metaphors, your similes, dude, are unique af, and every single time I write something that barely resembles something you’ve written, I’m staring at my screen like what the actual fuck is the nonsense? Sooooo, rest assured, this chapter is awesome (to be explained in great detail), and you’re awesome too (also to be explained in greater detail).

LMAOOOOO CASSIE I HAD TO LOOK UP WHAT A FUCKING SIMILE WAS HELP ME WHY AM I HERE. But DUDE, I actually have some words to say about this, the first ones being - GAH. Thanks so, so much love. I’m beaming. The second ones being - I ALWAYS think they’re weird when I write them. Seriously. Like that feeling you said you get when you try getting creative with a description is the exact same one I get -ROLL WITH IT. I had to learn that by just sucking it up and posting shit with unusual descriptions and then seeing what kind of feedback I got for it (which tbh makes it sound like I’ve been doing it for a while lololol but I actually just recently started challenging myself to get more creative with my descriptions for things). It actually came from constantly reading writing with cool imagery (Six of Crows was a great one!) and realizing that they never fell back on tired/common metaphors. They always used something unique (Kaz’s voice being like dry leaves scattering across pavement or w/e? Lmao you know how I felt about the constant descriptions of Kaz’s voice but I loved that one). I’m clearly nowhere near that level but I’ve definitely taken to stopping a few times while writing and going, ‘Wait. This is a chance to come up with something cool. Slow down. Do better.’ Cause tbh I have no instinct for it. I don’t think in creative metaphors or similes or whatever. But if I labor over it for a minute or two I can maybe come up with something, so yeah, THE POINT OF ALL THIS BEING - it probably sounds a lot better to a reader than it will to you. They feel and read unnaturally to me because they don’t come naturally to me, lol, but the people reading probs don’t know that so trust yourself! Do it! Knowing you and your talent they’re probably incredible.

Okay, so, in an attempt not to be mundane, let’s go through this fav line by fav line please forgive me if I just rewrite the whole chapter because ff.net doesn’t let you copy/paste

“She remembered feeling alarmed, a little helpless, like a plastic bag caught in the middle of a hurricane” (us FL girls can spot one another from miles away) (but also???? great simile). Poor Damon, but also poor Bonnie. This girl is just tryna help—it’s the core of her being, tbh—and this boy is too proud. Not like proud-proud, but that oh-shit-I’m-exposed proud. You know.  A/N: AMERICAN BEAUTY REFERENCE WHADDUP. Lol I was channeling that plastic bag shot at the end of the movie. Granted there’s no hurricane in that but you know, us Florida girls put hurricanes into everything. And yeah, that’s a great read on Damon. His pride/confidence is something he uses as a shield more than anything, which isn’t to say it’s fake exactly, but more so something he relies on to stay detached and not really have to deal with things. It’s easy for him to be like ‘world sucks, I don’t care’. Anytime anyone sees below that confidence/armor, though, it’s really destabilizing for him because it makes the reality of his fears/anxieties harder to ignore, ya know?

Kai calling out “Friends?” is the most relatable thing. He’s a murdery little bean.

“And sure, maybe she’s being a giant, hypocritical pot to his doesn’t-deal-with-childhood-trauma kettle…” Yes girl, these lines are really awesome. Also, I like how Bonnie recognizes the cycle right away. She’s like ‘been there done that broseph’.

“Do you have any pop tarts?” this girl asks. Lol when you stress eat. Btw, we never find out if she got them??? I need answers???? I feel like Kai could 3D print pop tarts if he needed to.

“Toodles”: I had a friend (loose usage of the term) in hs who used to say that, for real, and it’s funny ‘cause she was this gossipy diva (Bekah?) and reading this just sent me back. Also, toodles is such a passive-aggressive thing to say, especially for Care. I don’t think toodles has ever been said without the backing vocal of ‘I hate you please die’.

“… the prospect of going through the whole song and dance made her bones ache, it was so tiring.” FINALLY, CAROLINE, YOU’RE FREE OF THE CURSE I can tell not really, but, at least, we’re getting through some of that warding doe. RIGHT!? Lol I was excited to put that bit in because it was sort of my attempted nod to everyone reading that it was okay (actually encouraged!) to feel frustrated with Caroline’s constant mood swings because she herself hated them. They weren’t meant to be read as a some ‘fascinating complicated girl’ thing, you know? I feel like a lot of shows (esp. with male writers) like to write these female characters that are difficult and volatile for the sake of being ‘interesting’ and I kind of wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t going for that. Caroline’s coming from a place of fear. She knows what she’s doing isn’t fair. She knows it’s angering and more trouble than it’s worth. And even more than that, she hates it just as much as everyone else does, and by the time we hit chapter 16, she’s finally too drained to listen to that frantic instinct to self-preserve. She just throws caution to the wind and lets it go. It’s still scary for her but what can you do. But you’re right, she’s getting there!

***Side Note*** when is Tyler gonna be a thing, I need some sma Tyler in my life rn Me toooooooo he’s my husband. He should be popping in for 18 or 19!

Stefan’s recap of what happened, “you planned the homecoming dance at the same time as the football game”/”False” is great. I really love your back-and-forth dialogue, like always, ‘cause it’s natural and it’s funny as hell. Idk, when I write it (or sometimes when I read other people’s), it doesn’t have that same fast pace hilarity. Maybe that’s just me. It’s definitely just you cause I’ve read your dialogue and it’s hilarious, but one thing I’ve found that super speeds up dialogue is removing the dialogue tags. Seriously. Makes a world of difference. Like I don’t think it’s even possible to write an extended snappy exchange with dialogue tags tbh, cause your mind will just naturally slow it down to read the description. Half the time I go back to edit, I’m just removing unnecessary dialogue tags or descriptions that felt needed at the time. It helps if you can pick dialogue that sort of speaks for itself in terms of how it’s said, too (and realizing that once you’ve set the tone of a conversation, you really don’t need to keep re-emphasizing that tone - it really only needs to be addressed if there’s a shift imo). Also, I’ve kind of found that leaving out subjects can both make dialogue sound way more natural and also speed it up. Like even in the example you used below: “You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell” it wouldn’t read the same if it was: “You’re ridiculous.” “I’m effective.” “You’re terrifying.” “I’m productive.” “And you’re impressive as hell.” See how it slows it down? And throw in dialogue tags and it’s even slower. “You’re ridiculous,” he said. “I’m effective,” I countered. “You’re terrifying,” he replied. “I’m productive,” I quipped. “And you’re impressive as hell,” he concluded. To me that just completely changes the speed/flow. So yeah, there’s my unsolicited advice on snappy dialogue, lolololol.

Caroline’s interjection: “Systematic overview” lol

“You’re ridiculous”/ “Effective” / “Terrifying”/ “Productive”/ “And impressive as hell”—ooooo, Stefan! Your heart-eyes are showing! 

***Side Note*** so, uh, are we ever gonna find out what Stefan allegedly did? Muahaha yes. Kind of. Iz cute.

His deadpan face eased into a smile—one of those twinkling, warm ones that reminded her of honey spilling off a spoon—and predictably, annoyingly, her stomach did a flutter—gold. I feel like you can really get away with lines like this when it comes to Steroline because a) Caroline is a writer and b) Stefan is a Disney prince I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU USED THAT BTW I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF BUT DUUUUDE LISTEN I have so much fun writing in Caroline’s PoV because I can write things in a way that I can’t with other characters. I think you’ll see a lot of that in 17 when Caroline dives into her Matt history. And Stefan’s fun because he’s such a fucking sap so I can get as dumb as I want. He has a scene in 17 where I’m like ‘jesus christ dude get a grip’. Damon’s my annoying son because he’s closed off as hell so I always have to keep his thoughts muted and on-the-brink-of-something. Bonnie probably comes the most easily. Anyway, there’s my response to a question that was never even asked.

“It was the elephant in the room, big and obvious and floating over their heads like a light-up blimp. None of this frothy, chit-chat matters, it read in a glitzy, scrolling marquee, waving its animatronic trunk, y’all are fake.” … Does it ever get exhausting? Knowing that you’re literally the best at this metaphorical imagery thingies that need an actual name so I can use it and throw it in your face like, look at this gabi, think about what you’ve done? I almost cut that out because I thought it would feel random! See? That was one of those ‘pause’ moments where I almost left it as ‘the elephant in the room’ and then was like ‘you can do better than that’, and then after I extended it I was like ‘that sounds weird as hell but whatever roll with it’. So roll with yours, girl!

“An awkward beat passed as they regarded each other in the bright, exposing overhead light”/ “the lighting too clinical for such a personal conversation”. So, recently, coupling physical and metaphorical description has really been my jam, and I am so totally digging this. I have this weird thing where I feel like the lighting has to be soft for intimate conversations and if it’s not I’m like not in the right headspace for it, looool. So I’m glad you’re weird about that with me!

“[Katherine] was tough. Cynical. Her arms would lock tightly around him, jaw set, damning the world and the fucked up people in it.” Nice glimpse at the infamous Katherine Pierce. Can’t wait for a possible cameo from her in the future. NYE! Hopefully. I might be overselling NYE.

“Melted, really, like a clock in a fucking Dali painting.” Ok so like, do you Google this shit or is your brain just going a million miles a minute, coming up with stellar ways of impressing us (me)? Like jfc Gabi, calm down. LOOOL okay that one was instinctive because I compare legit every melty thing to a Dali clock. My sister’s cat has no bones and liquifies into whatever space she inhabits and we call her a melted clock.

“Floaty, useless goddamn feathers” this is cute i’m fine

“The Tylers” mention: Tyler believes in love? Is Tyler a Stefan, and that’s why Defan gels? Does Tyler have a girlfriend or boyfriend or a something?!?!? How cute! I feel like the best way to describe Tyler is like… surprisingly well-adjusted. Like he definitely had some shitty things go down in his life (abusive dad), but he had a loving mom and an unexpected support system in Damon and Katherine and because of that, he’s grown up to be this easy-going, confident guy. He’s definitely got a wild streak because of Damon and Katherine, but even when he went out with them they always kept an eye on him, always kept him out of the real dangerous stuff. He grew up loved. So when it comes to romantic love, he’s a casual optimist about it. He’s not some heart-on-his-sleeve romantic, but he believes it’s out there. His issue is kind of that he gets along with everyone (one of those types), so no one’s really knocked him off his feet yet love-wise. “The Carolines”: oh shit, called out. I love that he can read her like a goddamn book even though they aren’t anything under the surface at all. Like that just shows how good he is at this. Yessss, love that interpretation. I kind of wanted to emphasize how much he has everyone pegged so that it would heighten the contrast to how much he keeps having to redefine Bonnie.

“She’d cracked his varnish”—nice—“so thoughtlessly, like it wasn’t something he relied on”—oh shit—“and for what?/ “For shits and giggles? To see if she could?” Like usually I can handle these lines I’m lying but how sad and fucked up is it that Damon thinks Bonnie was only kind to him for something. I totally understand his mindset (like get where he’s coming from), but jfc honey, Bonnie is the Hufflepuffiest (which kudos btw for using the house for both ships, nice nice, I’m honored on behalf of us honey-badgers) and she literally didn’t try to help for anything. He def. struggles with the idea of people being kind for no reason. AND YAS GIRL HONEY BADGERS UNITE! KINDNESS EVERYWHERE! YOU get some kindness. YOU get some kindness! ERRBODY IN DA CLUB GETTIN KINDNESS.

“He scoffed again, shaking his head—worry. Concern./ “Unwanted things.” CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS THE SHIT, MAN. All us writers out here (or just me idk) are screaming and, probably totally weeping.

“Her eyes looked a little buggy in her magnifying goggles, hair in a mess of curls, and instantly, unwantedly, he felt a bit of the cool distance warm right off him.” Oh silly boy. Like you can actually resist how adorable Bon-bon is. Also, love nerd!Bonnie, can she come back some more? I’m going to incorporate it into 17! I think. Lmao I will now.

“It means I don’t need you to fucking fix me.” Yikes, dude. I always worry that those mood-shift lines aren’t going to pack enough of a punch so I love when you single them out.

“One little emotion glitch”… It’s really interesting you put it this way. Stefonnie are all heartstrings and mush, and Daroline are very ones-and-zeros, very programmed­-and­-defined. And this ties into Kai’s “logic” speech, because while these no-strings-attached sillies think they can avoid what makes us all human, they’ve got another thing coming. These fools are just as sappy-feely as their romantic counterparts. TRUEFAX.COM I wanna change the story description to just that ^^ 

“Relax.” IF THAT SHIT ISN’T THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVER I HAVE NO IDEA HOW BONNIE DIDN’T DECK HIM RIGHT THERE. Not to call him out, but my boyfriend does this whenever I get worked up, and I’ve warned him, next time he tells me to relax, he’s getting hit. I literally read Damon’s “relax” in my bf’s voice, and I got so irritated. (Great job). I THINK YOU MEAN YOUR FIANCÉ WHHHAAAATTTTTT

“Your blood type was ‘tequila’.”

“Does that bother you” / “Not as much as it bothers you” OOOO GIRL EXPOSE HIM YAS another line I hoped packed a punch.

“Cat, is he lying?” lol when do they actually name her Never.

“Casually vibrant and loose” reminds me of sunshine for some reason. Sunshiny Caroline is my fav.

“Bonnie’s Caroline. Spirited. Brassy… A hell-raiser with a sparkling stare and a laugh like a bell.” Stefan, babe, stop.

“Badgering the witness!” LOL I’m using this in b&b, you’ve been warned, bye DO IT.

“Memory Lane was closed.”/ “Detour to Platonic Avenue”: good, good, keep it up. I love how they end up talking about it anyways? And it’s lowkey a daroline convo, but without a doubt, Damon would flirt it up, and it’d probably end in more sex, but these two goofballs I swear: “Told you I was the class skank”  and “it takes years of training” but also “No room left behind” “Nothing is good enough to make me forget about how much I hate heights” / “I am” OH SHIT IT’S GETTIN’ HOT IN HERE. But also????? Excellent example of what I was saying (re: daroline convo); Caroline lapsed into her natural, flirty confidence, not even realizing GIRL HOW AREN’T YOU REALIZING how something so saucy, that would naturally turn on Stefan, can’t be said so casually. HAHAHA honestly as I was writing that I was like ‘careful what you wish for steffy bear’ because like you said, that is natural Caroline. She’s confident, flirty, vibrant, etc, and if Stefan was already falling for the prickly, self-preserving version, how did he expect to survive this one, you know? I don’t approve of these characters’ dumb ass decisions I just write them.

“You’re Lawyer Dangerous-ing me, aren’t you?” and “Wow, I ruined you.” Love it. I feel like Kol pulled this shit on Caroline, and she lowkey trusts her brother, so she fell for things like this all the time. LOOOL Kol’s such a menace.

“You didn’t think you were Buttercup, did you?” / “That’s embarrassing”: I love sma Stefan so much. I liked tvd at one time, but that’s for another day lololol we’ve discussed this.

“Ugh, montage love” I’m sorry Gabi, are you in sma too? ya know every now and then I have to insert my frustration with how dumb everyone is.

“Was it real if the sun started to fade after a few years? Was it real if the gravity weakened and he had to struggle to stay in her atmosphere? Was it real if another planet got pulled in, too, one he could never see because it was always on the exact opposite side of her, moving in tandem with him, eclipsed by her glow?” Shit, girl. Like, go home already. Gah, thanks love. Another case of ‘pause. Think. You can do better.’ I’m telling you, you just have to roll with it!

“I don’t regret a second of that” oh Stefan, you lovesick fool

“I’m like a human Bermuda Triangle” love

“Just give him the Disney Prince look” and the process of him going through it, and him being like, “This is just my face” I’m dead.

“Danger Zone” lmfaoooooo, followed by “Whatever, Piss Pants”. Sounds like a classic Caroline x Kol moment Honestly, it was so nice to write them just having an easy convo, lololol. And TOTALLY a Care x Kol type exchange. Oh, Kol. I can’t wait to write him over the Christmas chapter(s). 

“Bonnie knew the ball was in her court to be the bigger person” to “…they all made her feel caught between telling him that everything was going to be okay and asking him if he wanted a gold fucking star.”/ “Unfortunately, the latter seemed to be winning out.” Okay, so I have to admit this: this “petty, four-year-old” Bamon is a little shamefully like me and my boyfriend. We’re like the diluted version of bamon in this fic. I’m the nerd/caring one, my bf is the cynical/well-read one, and we’re both petty af, and our form of affection is kinda like bamon’s back-and-forth. I mean, we’re not as fucked up at all, but idk, I see parts of our relationship in bamon, which is why they are otp does that mean I think ryan and I otp? maybe but I don’t like being gross. Anyways… FIANCÉ RYAN. CASS IS GETTING MARRIED Y’ALL. I OTP YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US SO IT’S FINE.

“Must be depressing” / “Don’t worry about it” / “Just means it doesn’t matter” / “Because isn’t that the human way?” Ooooo this shit boils my blood this is the kind of crap ryan pulls sometimes omg but moreover, this baiting thing is so aggravating. Say what you want to say and be done with it! WEDDING BELLS AND RIIIINNNIIINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LMAO literally any mention of you and Ryan’s going to bring that response out of me bye

“I mean, didn’t you tell me last night that your biggest fear is that something’s wrong with you and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out?” and Bonnie’s internal monologue “her head was caught in a hum as she tried to shake off the burn of hearing her biggest insecurity thrown in her face, casual, smug”. I got to admit, Gab, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I was literally hanging on every sentence like oh. My. GOD. DAMON WENT THERE.

Side Note: this whole scene had me all sorts of fucked up, and like damn girl, you really know how to write ‘em. Like I felt for Bonnie. Not in a personal way, but like having someone just throw your deepest fear in your face? Someone who you were just warming up to? Like shit.

GIRL thanks so much, that scene definitely took some tweaking. I always stress about those moments because it takes me so long to get a sense for exactly what kind of mood I built (cause I’m almost like… already in the mood when I start writing it so I don’t actually know if I built it or not? Like if someone who wasn’t me would feel it through the writing alone? Does that make sense? I always try to explain this and fail). But anyway, gah, so glad this pulled you in. Like it’s one thing to try and be funny and fail at it (my life) but for some reason it’s way more nerve-wracking to me to try and be dramatic/intense and fail at it. 

 Kai’s crème-bru-yay is like opening Pinterest and seeing the first promoted post lol.

Damon’s “would it kill you to stay for one dessert” and her “it might kill you”, which I translated to “I might kill you, you fucker” Exactly what it meant.

The Bon/Kid talk. Nice. I love how it parallels to the Care/Stef talk earlier (dunno if you did this on purpose?) Nope, but I’m going to pretend I’m put-together enough of an author to do things like that and say of course.

“I don’t even know what your vulnerabilities are, Damon!” Have you read Lee’s “Parachute” bamon fic. Damon asks, “Do I ever say anything I don’t mean?” and Bonnie says something like Uh yeah, you say whatever will bother people the most. That. That is so true, and I didn’t realize it until I read it in her fic. Noooo, I haven’t, but now I really need to!

He was a friggin’ serial killer and they’d played right into his game Jesus fucking Christ they were all going to di—I love how off the rails Bonnie’s thoughts are. Like she’s stilly lowkey pissy at Damon, but at the same time, she’s like we’re gonna die. LOL that’s why Bonnie’s the easiest for me to write, because I too am often balancing serious emotions with cracky off-the-rails thoughts. 

“I’m sorry but what the everloving fuck, dude?” So, first, amazing line lmfao; second, amazing scene, my friend. Damon, somehow, talking Kai down? Like who would have thought? “Not a good look, man.” I’m dead.

Jk that line is getting it’s own number. Just reading it makes me think that Damon must’ve said something like this to Tyler. Must have. Like, maybe Tyler’s talking about how he got into a fight at school, or maybe about how he screwed things up with a girl—idk idc, big brother!Damon is a good look. Toootally! I was 100% channeling big bro!Damon there, and I definitely hoped people would connect it back to Tyler. Tyler’s just someone that Damon wants better for, you know? Like him and Katherine take him along on their wild rides but like I said earlier, Damon definitely doesn’t want him to live the same kind of life or make the same kind of mistakes/sacrifices he’s made. So I can totally see him steering him off that path if he senses him heading down it. And just in general, so happy you liked that scene. It was one of the scenes I was most pumped for ‘cause I live for feels, and I thought it showed really cute sides of both Damon and Kai.

Kai’s fun fact about Dante, and Damon’s plain, “Bummer” lol.

Kai’s “Did you mean what you said earlier…thinking I was cool…?” I seriously don’t know how you made a serial killer adorable but how dare you :D

“Boyish, almost, like he was some angsty teen she’d walked in on listening to Britney Spears”, oops you did it again I’m hilarious my friend, you played with my heart for fantastic similes. Like, this one just epitomizes what you wanted it to, this sheepish, caught-in-the-moment-of-a-good-deed kinda thing. Like, Gabi, stop Yeeeesssss that was exactly what I wanted to get across but I wasn’t sure I got it across so YAY. Goes to show you. You never think that of your own stuff. Idk why this review response is turning into a giant PSA on cutting yourself some slack with your own writing but CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK WITH YOUR OWN WRITING PEOPLE.

‘you are so much more than you think you are, you piece of shit’—see, that’s my kind of “terms of endearment”. LOL mine too.

Caroline vs. Cat, illustrated by “Are you trying to die?” is very much like me vs. a cat except I’m super allergic, so I’m doing the dying LOOOOOL love ya, Cas.

“Stefan!” She blustered out of her room with a scowl, padding down the hallway in Bonnie’s too-small Gryffindor slippers. First off, Caroline calling Stefan. Secondly, Caroline calling Stefan to be a meditator between her and the cat. Thirdly, why does Bonnie had Gryffindor slippers if she is clearly (eh) Hufflepuff (she could easily be Ravenclaw tbh). LMAO so I made them Hufflepuff at first and then I remembered Bonnie had a Gryffindor shirt and I thought it’d be funny for her to just randomly have paraphernalia from every house because she can’t decide who she is and goes through phases where she’s super convinced she’s one house and then it changes a few months later.

“Tide of amusement”/ “Wash of endearment”: teach me your wayssss I read that as ‘teach me your waaaavvveeesss’ we’re both hilarious

“Saint Stefan”: I really like (and appreciate) that Caroline is the one calling him this. That it’s not some jealous brother, but some girl who blatantly misunderstood him and is coming to the conclusion that maybe this savior complex isn’t as bad/ingrained as she thought. Honestly even just reading ‘jealous brother’ gave me such TVD PTSD. Gross. I’m with ya, girl. 

Stefan’s advice, “Dazzle him with that Rebekah charm” literally is the most Dad thing I’ve ever seen lmao

“Demon.” / “Demons everywhere.” Lolololololol

“Do your thing. Give me the sisterhood spiel or whatever Hallmark collection it was you were planning on plagiarizing.” Well shit. I’d probably pay to hear Damon and Rebekah’s verbal sparring. LMAO Damon vs. Rebekah would be amazing. I feel like they’d be fast friends, which makes me laugh because Kol would totally idolize Damon and yet him and Rebekah would loathe each other.

“But more importantly… Tiffany will be social media stalking you every inch of the way, seething with jealousy, so take a lot of pictures.” I love how she gives the realest advice, and then brings it to Rebekah’s level lol. I feel like big sister!Caroline is something we were deprived of and didn’t know it. Hahaha you know Rebekah would totally ignore that shit if it didn’t circle back to making her nemesis miserable. But sister!Caroline is definitely something I want to do more of, so I’m so happy you liked that side. Christmas time will give her and Kol some quality time (and Mama Liz!)

“I’m going to need some tea,” she says lmao.

 Oh this is the thing I was talking about when I referred to Lee’s fic: “he’d know before he’d even opened his mouth that he was going to hate what came out” and “why the hell had he even gone there? He could’ve just told her he needed space”. Very similar. You guys had the same revelation. That’s rad - I definitely have to go read her fic. Lee’s writing is always brilliant.

“Unfortunately, the hole he’d just managed to dig himself into had an echo, and the only sound in it was the disbelieving crack in Bonnie’s voice when she’d confronted him about bring up her parents.” Right in the heart.

“But maybe she thought he was a megadouche” he cares what she thinks! “Maybe she was waiting for him to prove that he wasn’t.”

“You missed a spot” / “A harsh spray of water cut him off from the pull-out faucet she’d shot straight at him”—if this petty shit isn’t me & ryan CAS AND RYAN ARE GETTING MARRIEDDDDDDDDDD

“And mean.” I love that tack on, it’s so childish, but epitomizes how she can’t even stay mad at him. “Very, very mean.” Their childish bits are my favorite parts to write. It’s in full-swing in 17.

 “I just had a really shitty week last week.” Oooo glimpse into the past. Like Bonnie’s with the Enzo/Klaus mention. More of that ahead!

“And don’t stop calling me kid.” / “It’s cute and I like it.” Can they just kiss and be together already omg You would think but everyone in this story is stupid.

“And he was struck by the most bizarre impulse to kiss her” see, even Damon knows!!!!

The “pep rally” / “I was actually a cheerleader for a bit in college” convo. Classic Bamon

 “Try not to do anything secretly heroic while I’m gone.”

“Maybe he was allergic to pep” / “maybe he was high on it” Damon and Bonnie sitting in a tree… D-E-N-Y-I-N-G

THE ALMOST STEROLINE NAME DROP I WAS ACTUALLY GRINNING LIKE A MORON WHEN I READ THIS MUAHAHA it was so stupid and I cackled writing it.

“I think I need to talk about Matt”/ “And I think you should probably tell me about Elena”. What? Caroline Forbes is talking about exes? Is doing something healthy that’ll further her relationship with Stefan? THERE IS SO MUCH PRIDE IN MY HEART – Also, I think this was a great way to end the chapter ‘cause it’s super cliffhanger and also super like a tvd episode, you know? Great, excellent, fantastic job! RIGHT? LOOK AT HER GO! She’s ready to confront some things! And because I took six months to reply to this and have the benefit of actually having the scene written now, I can tell you that she’s really going there. Saying things she’s never said out loud. It’s a hard scene for her. But she’s determined. So it makes me so happy that you’re proud of her (I’m proud of her!), and hopefully the next chapter will make it a little clearer why she is the way she is (and why it took her this long to get there). Also, YAY for show-like endings! You know that’s what I’m going for ;) TBH that’s a large reason why the chapters have gotten so long - I want like a whole episode in a chapter with a beginning, middle, and end, and I want them to set up a story for the next one, and for four central characters that usually ends up taking me about 8-10 scenes, loool. So I’m glad you like it that way, too ;)

Okay, so this is longer than I hoped, but I’m sure you won’t mind. Take your mind off med school, off the whole moving thing. Anyways, thanks a bazillion for being this awesome author that interacts with her audience, who puts at least 1000% percent into this fic when, really, you don’t gotta, and ya know… thanks for fulfilling the need everyone has seen tvd died (there were only 6 seasons right?)

Definitely only six seasons. And girl, psh, thank you for making all of the things you listed above worth it. Seriously. You guys make writing this story a legitimate joy - I literally have you in mind when I write. I anticipate who’s going to like what. Whose going to have a problem with what. And it makes me a better writer. Seriously. Anyway, you’re as lovely and witty and talented and kind and weird and wonderful as ever and I expect detailed updates on you and Ryan’s royal wedding every week and NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE AGAIN FOR WRITING A LONG REVIEW WHO ARE YOU KIDDING YOU’RE MY SUN AND I’VE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT I’LL SAY IT AGAIN IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO RESPOND BECAUSE I LEGIT CAN’T THINK OF A REPLY THAT’S WORTHY SOOOOO THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE K BYEEEEE

#reply #review #six mornings after #16 #cassie's review #that's going to be a tag #because it deserves its own tag #anyway here you all go you're welcome for bringing cas into your life #meta #submission

[anoverflowingsea]

“May your trials end in full bloom”

full lyric translations here by @bts-trans ramblings under the cut

These past few months have been agonizing, heightened by an out pour of fears and anxiety accumulated throughout my lifetime. The other day I fucked up and made the same grave mistake twice and at this point, I can’t even be mad at anyone besides myself.  It just seems like effort–no matter how extraneous–is futile. I still end up where I have always end up: tired from exerting all of my efforts into the final hours just to only be defeated, coping with it, moving on, trying to change for the better and the anxiety of it to the results being the same. 

The cycle repeats. I have watched and reflected on myself for so many years to try to improve but I overestimated my will and strength. How can I define myself as being such a passionate person when I can’t even do the bare minimum for the things I’m passionate about?  I look at my classmates and peers around me, seeing them create and talk about their ideas with such zeal and the beauty in their efforts…and then I look at myself. Everyone–and even my dreams–are drifting away from me.  Progress is stagnant and I wish I did not have cold feet and feelings of the world crashing down on me every time I make art.  The amount of mental strength I have to exert to maintain my sanity to work is exhausting, and even then, I still do not produce that much results.  

But no matter how many times I think about giving it up, I can’t. This purgatory of being not good enough but also still believing in the slight hope of my dreams is eating me alive.  Do I really even have dreams? Because obviously I do not care about them enough to break this cycle. Who am I if I don’t even have dreams or ambitions? Why do I even exist if I’m just going to be like this. Every waking moment is filled with self-awareness and constant reminders on the state of my life and my dissatisfaction of it and the only way I can cope is by losing myself in the void.  But even then, the void can never stop time; the world continues to crumble as I compose myself within stillness. 

Every single aspect of me seems so far behind, but I also can’t seem to connect with the normality and stability of my peers.  I consistently am on edge for the possibility anyone might question me about my life.  It’s one thing if I’m dealing with my own life, it’s even worse if others were to see my failures, too.  

As I walked to my car and drove home the other day, I could not stop the tears from falling down.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to tell myself, “it’s okay you fucked up but forgive yourself hold yourself accountable but don’t forget to love yourself,” but at that point, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I want to disappear from the world I can’t offer anything beneficial to.  I’m tired of all the wandering eyes, of me being imprisoned in myself, consistently feeling lost, going from high extremes of too many emotions, being numb in order to cope, coping with every single failure…it seems like all I do is consume and take up space.  At this point, I’m only functioning because I have just enough will that I could not take death.

At the peak of my destruction, I pulled up this song in my car and I just started outright sobbing. From the music alone, I felt both the pain and comfort of someone else understanding my pain.  Every repetition of “dream”  in the song felt like a stepping stone and I could feel from within my soul the suffering of each step and strength it took to overcome and take the next.  Despite all of the pain, it was like Yoongi was telling me to keep going.  And I know, most of the time I have to borrow hollow encouragements from the things I cling onto in order to keep going, but honest to god,  in that moment, I felt the most amount of empathy coming from a song I have ever felt. I went home that night to look up the lyrics to the song only to be surprised that each lyric had it down to the tee every single emotion I was feeling that night.  And it made me think, “Had Yoongi, even BTS, felt everything I am feeling right now?”  There was no other conclusion I could come up with as to why every lyric felt like my soul being poured out into a song. And then I remembered  Namjoon’s speech on the last day of the Wings Tour (translated by vantaekim):

And there’s one thing I really wanted to say, in letters [from armys], we received or the things we hear often…”I’m happy you guys are doing well, but my life my dreams are frozen still, but I feel like you guys are going far away from me…we started together…I like it but my heart hurts.”  But what I want to say is that I didn’t believe in myself either, that we can do it, that we will become great..”Willl we be able to perform at the Olympic Stadium before we die and then retire?”…I don’t know. What I want to tell you guys is that, at first we were grummy and stuff. But we did it. Everyone who have acknowledged us, us that exist in your dreams, our existance, our music, pictures, videos…if they can at least a little bit, if your hurting is 100, if we can turn that 100 to 98, or 96, then we believe that our value is enough, I really love you all.

Everything was put into perspective: if BTS truly went through what I went through and were able to achieve their dreams, I can, too.  Ironically the song that came on right after that was Lost, which has so much meaning encapsulated in a happy song:

This is too hard, is this path right for me I am so confused Don’t you leave me alone I still want to believe even though it’s unbelieveable To lose your path Is the way to find that path… Lost my way Within a complicated world without an exit … Lost my way No matter how much I wander, I want to believe in my path… Lost my way Found my way   

It’s like they were trying to cheer me up by this point, haha. Thank you so much for everything BTS.  Every message you all try to give to the world, I have felt it. Thank you for capturing and understanding my love, pain, tears, laughter, thoughts. Thank you for making life a little more bearable. Thank you for being the people I can walk alongside with and I swear one day, I will soar with you all.

#ramblings #i am so sorry all the depressing stuff is extensively long #but i genuinely had to express it into words #bts #so far away #agust d #suga #jungkook #jin #music #music audio #kpop #yoongi #min yoongi

[aislingeach]

Another Letter...

Mom,

I love you more than anyone else. I love you big much and forever. I wish you felt more deserving of that love. You deserve so much better than the life you have. You took me in and raised an amazing daughter. Yes, we have our faults and the process of raising me wasn’t perfect… but you did the best you knew how. You gave me all you could. I wish you could see that you’re worth so much more than the love and treatment you accept… but we accept the love we think we deserve. I’m sorry things haven’t turned out as what you actually deserve in life. Currently though, a lot of that is by choice. You continually choose Scott over everyone and everything else, including yourself. Granted, I will never understand what it means to birth your own child and I will never understand the feelings that come with that. From a semi-objective point of view, it is still a choice to risk everything else for one child, especially when you have three children.

Scott continues to perpetuate the same abusive behaviors that I grew up with, that cost him custody of Christian and acquired legal trouble, that continue to harm you. It is unacceptable. I cannot continue to support these behaviors by picking up the pieces every time you fall apart as a result of his abuse. I feel that he is literally leading you to your grave. The stress and emotional turmoil only exacerbate your already existing poor health. I have always known I will be relatively young when you die, but I cannot imagine being without my mom before the age of 45.

His behavior and treatment of others leads to fear and resentment. For myself, I hold a little fear and a lot of anger and resentment towards him. Growing up with someone who would constantly yell, belittle me, make me feel worthless and like I did not belong was some of the worst abuse I have endured. I also hold some resentment towards you for this because of your failure to protect me. I specifically remember as a senior in high school standing in the living room with him yelling at the top of his lungs, pointing his finger in my face “she took you in, you selfish bitch” while you stood behind me and did nothing. This wasn’t the first, or the last time something like this happened; it’s just the memory that stands out the most. Or the time I got between the two of you at around age 10 as he was screaming at you and ended up yelling over and over less than a foot from your face “hit me, go ahead and fucking hit me” and shoved me aside when I tried to stop him. A small child yelling to stop and literally standing between you and your abuser. I would frequently wake at all hours of the night to you two fighting, to his abusive language while you stood there and cried. So, I would try and sleep in the backyard with Mitzy until the yelling stopped. Not that anyone ever noticed. I developed insomnia by the age of 11 due to living in constant fear, and this is something that still deeply affects me to this day. I was also highly suicidal in the midst of his abuse, again, not that anyone noticed. Two failed attempts and self-harm that I still have scars from. Yet, you brush this off, throwing your hands up and stating “I don’t want to talk about this” after your daughter has told you that she tried to kill herself twice because of Scott’s abuse. You have no idea how much this hurts.

His behavior and treatment of Christian has also lead to fear, anger and resentment from his own son. He lacks any empathy for the trauma and inconsistency Christian has had to grow up with. His verbal and emotional abuse, the lies and manipulation, the berating, has unfortunately all lead to Christian experiencing the same emotional turmoil I had endured. When it gets to the point that a child wants to kill themselves, it is inexcusable. History is literally repeating itself, and yet he refuses to take responsibility, blaming it on Alina and Ron. This is wrong. If it were their faults, Christian would not be confronting Scott about it. It is Scott’s doing that has led to Christian no longer wanting to exist, to be done with his life, to die. You commend him on being a good father, but sadly, he is not. He has the potential to be, but not until he can control his temper and have more appropriate responses and parenting styles. And to top it off, threatening to abandon Christian… either by running away to Florida, or “pulling a Paul Reed.” In my opinion, Christian does not deserve either of the parents he received, and this is wildly unfair to him. Yes, he has an attitude and yes, he has behavioral issues. However, being a teenager with rapidly changing hormones combined with the multiple traumas he’s endured account for this. Overall, he is a good kid and this goes unrecognized, which is unfair to him. That despite all he’s been through, he continues to have a good heart.

His behavior and treatment of you… I see how you live in fear of him. Your refusal to confront any problems with him; from as small as the pile of dishes in the sink, to as big as his abusive behavior, and your asking me to talk to him about multiple things on your behalf. I see how his treatment of you repeatedly brings you down to a depressive and anxious state. I see how you repeatedly fall apart, withdraw and isolate in response to his treatment. Not to mention, your statement of being “paralyzed in fear.” Him making you feel small, “stupid,” and like you’re losing your mind is abusive. Him continuously expecting you to provide for him and be there to pick up after him is abusive. Him manipulating every situation, every argument, everything in your life to fit his favor and meet his own needs is abusive. This is not love. Abuse is not love.

And yet, he loves to stand on his high horse and preach the gospel and tell everyone else how to be good human beings. This is bullshit. His “good deeds” don’t mean much in the face of his abuse. He loves to play the martyr and loves to tell everyone how hard he’s had it, how shit his life has been, and flaunt how he is still faithful and a Godly man. Yes, he’s had a rough life… but this is no excuse and many of his challenges have been short comings of his own terrible decisions. He chose drugs. He chose poor health management. He chose smoking. He chose to get in bad relationships. He chooses to start arguments, knowing exactly what buttons to push in others and then blames them for the argument and his abusive behavior. And he chooses to continue perpetuating these abusive cycles. He chooses how he responds to adversity every day.

He has consistently shown his true colors and yet you continue to choose him over everyone and everything else. You consistently back him up, regardless of the damage it causes to your other relationships. He has been the source of about 90% of the problems you and I have and at least 75% of the problems between you and Maggy. He is manipulative. He is egotistical. He is hypocritical. He is selfish. He is abusive. The whole family sees it. And yet you choose him.

He will never change unless he does the deep and difficult work to do so, and he has to want it. Which I honestly don’t think he will ever get to the place of truly wanting to change. A big part of this is that you continue to enable and accept these abusive behaviors, so why would he change when he can stay comfortable in the same patterns he’s known most of his life? Discomfort is required for change.

I carry so much shame and guilt over initially lying to Annie about how bad he really is. I did this because I knew it would be what you wanted me to do. Because I am constantly seeking your approval and acceptance with the goal that someday, you will choose me over him. I see now this is an unrealistic expectation. I also lied for some notion that I was protecting you… but I also have to believe in the systems that are in place to protect people from this kind of treatment. So, I don’t really see this lie as protecting you. This lie was also eating away at me; it’s mentally, emotionally and literally physically hurting me. I cannot engage in my own therapy, my own healing process while lying to my therapist. I cannot have walls up with Annie. Honestly, if I was provided therapy all those times I asked for it growing up, there would have been a multitude of CPS reports against him. So really, it’s a miracle he’s made it this long under the radar. I hold so much anger, fear, resentment and pain as a result of Scott that has affected so many areas of my life. It has been truly damaging. I need to be able to heal from this, so I can live a successful and healthy life. I cannot heal if I am lying. So yes, there was an APS report. I’m sorry this upset you, but I am not sorry of any consequences Scott has to face as a result. You reap what you sew.

 Mom, I will always love you big much and forever.

[birdhousewitch]

Death Witchcraft: Tea For Two

How do you personally define Death Witchcraft?

     What I learned at the start was that every single Death Witch has a totally different way of practicing and interpreting what being a Death Witch is. I noticed it more so than with other types of the craft, but I know like myself, many witches combine different types together. The mixture adds different levels and layers to everyone’s practice which is so neat and diverse.  

     To me a Death Witch is someone who applies death or morbid themes to their witchcraft and often deals with the departed. Whether it’s with bones, collected preserved insects, communicating with spirits, or some other way, Death Witches can incorporate an aspect of death into any workings they’re doing if they choose to.

What are a few things that YOU associate with Death Witchcraft?

Late nights. Watching the sunset. Dark royal purple and navy blue. Roes, especially those left at memorials and grave sites. Fallen sticks collected from nature walks. Mushrooms. Ganja. Cooking and baking. Cold winter mornings. Divination. Dressing in mourning clothes. Scary Movies. Halloween. Butterflies and moths. Empty bird’s nests. Cats and corvids. Skeletons.

When did you first start to practice this particular path and what resources were/are available to you?

     I started practicing death witchcraft a little over a year ago, and have been practicing a variety of witchcraft for the last 11 years.  

     Not a whole lot to be frank, just defining and understanding the term was hard enough for me. Actually learning what was/is applicable is still a daily struggle for me. I would definitely say good research starts with knowing how to research well. Learn how to fact check and cross check for yourself. Recently I have been seeing more self publishing witches who are writing new zines or spell books, a lot of them are secular and it really excites me! When I first started, the book I had was one my sister had and stopped using. It was written by Silver Ravenwolf called, Solitary Witch: The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation published in 2003. I never fully read through the book so I can’t really give a detailed review, but it was definitely geared towards beginners and was easy to understand. However it was more on the religious side then the secular side. At the start of high school I didn’t even know there was such a thing as being a secular witch, so I follow off and on what things I found about Wicca without being open or obvious about it. And I practiced off and on with just that one book for a few years. Then there was Tumblr™, it opened up resources, books, websites, groups, I had no idea already existed. Sadly, I don’t have specifics for my studying resources. And honestly searching “death witchcraft” on google mostly brings up tumblr pages and scary news articles. But soon I hope to have a solid research page of link and books.  

What animals are symbolic to your practice and what do they mean?

     There are so many animals, honestly the list is endless. Birds of prey, the big and small cats, scavengers, worms, bugs, corvids.

     Owls, hawks, eagles, falcons, etc. The birds whose taloned feet carry small mice from the fields and fish of the rivers and sea. These are the birds who the rabbits and squirrels hide from, to any small ground animals these birds are Death personified (or should I say animalified hehe).

     In the grasslands of Africa where the gazelles and zebras live, also lives the lioness. Her hunting and killings feeds not only herself but others in her pride. It can be gory and graphic, but as we learned from The Lion King, it’s the circle of life. After the birds and animals have eaten their meal the worms, bugs, and scavengers take over. Scavengers help to finish the decomposing process back into the earth.

     And my personal favorite, the corvids. Specifically the crows and ravens are often seen as a sign of impending death or ill fortune. While groups of ravens are sometimes called “conspiracies”, groups of crows are called “murders”.

Where do you want Death Witchcraft to take you/what do you want to gain?

     I’ve always felt like a part of death witchcraft even before I could give it a name. I want to have a better understanding of life cycles through all the different stages; birth, life, old age, death, rebirth. There have been many deaths in my life both physical and spiritual. I feel like that gives me a privilege, in the sense that I didn’t have to try as hard to have an understanding of death. Do I think having those experiences are necessary? Heck no! There are a loved ones who have passed away both human and animal that I loved so much and wanted them to still be part of my life. But their passing has definitely shaped, not only my craft, but also who I am as a person. I want to understand their passing, their new existence, and how they still are apart of my life. And to help others find comfort, understanding, and closure during any part of their life.

What is the hardest part of Death witchcraft?

     There are simply not enough resources! Research is more difficult for me as a Death Witch then it was when I was just starting out as a witch. When I first started out I felt like everything was at my fingertips and was readily available. Now I feel like I have to flip every rock twice and look in the places I never expected or thought of. The second hardest thing I would say is that actively practicing makes me very tired, I always feel like I need the longest nap after any workings or divination. Which, in my opinion makes it very hard for me to do a lot of work in one day or one sitting. And in turn, draws out the timeline of my workings, although maybe that’s death in another sense. The death of energy and time.

What is your favorite part?

     My happiest moments are during the end of a tarot reading, when I feel so deeply connected and intertwined with world’s past, present, and future. I also love collecting stuff and small trinkets, which somehow I associate collecting with being a death witch but I feel like that’s just something all witches do. My absolute favorite part is that I’m not scared anymore, I don’t have this constant nagging fear of death anymore. Not to say I don’t care about myself or life, but I feel like death is only another part of life.

What are some folk tales or legends that correlate to your craft?

     I’m going to be a bit clique here, The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe is #1 with others like Bloody Mary, La Llorona, and Hamlet.

A quick summary of everything you’ve learned about yourself and your practice by answering this.

     Over all, I’ve mostly learned a lot about myself as a human and witch. I haven’t even learned that much about death witchcraft if I’m going to be honest. However that doesn’t bother me because I enjoy learning, and reading, and researching. I don’t want to know everything, I want to always be learning something new till the day I die. There was one thing I learned while writing this, a neat little rhyme about counting groups of corvids like ravens, crows, or magpies: one for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told.

Thank you taking the time to read my rambles and as always, be safe out there.

#death witch #witchcraft #FAQ #witches #secular witch #rambles

[cassandrale179]

ON BOJACK HORSEMAN (2014)

Date: May 04, 2019  “It’s not about being happy, that is the thing. I’m just trying to get through each day. I can’t keep asking myself ‘Am I happy? ‘ It just makes me more miserable. I don’t know If I believe in it, real lasting happiness, All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows ? I don’t think they exist.”

So I am not one who usually watched cartoons, not to mention binging an entire season of a cartoon series, but for some funny reasons I kinda stumbled upon Bojack Horseman, and finished the entire 12 episodes in 2 days. I really had to write down all my thoughts on all these episodes before I forgot what I felt about each one. So this isn’t a really a movie reviews, just random notes on the issues I like most of the show 

I. ORIGINS 

Bojack Horseman had got to be the most depressing cartoons I’ve ever watched in my life, and I am shocked by how gritty and realistic it is as a form of social commentary on broken people who tried to chase broken dreams in a broken society. That cycle of brokenness, that moment in life, that critical window between childhood and adulthood when one realized that his idealisms of the world begun to be torn down parts by parts, are one of my favorite themes of this show. 

“You want to know about my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother was the heiress to the Sugarcube fortune and my dad resented her for it…”

And I think by willing to explore these harsh topics, while being unforgiving to its characters (the fact that even if one was dealt with the bad cards of the Universe doesn’t permit one to be an asshole and shirk the responsibilities of doing good to other human beings), really added a nuance to the topic. Though this is often disguised in the form of Bojack’s deniability of his issues. 

“Yeah I like that. I didn’t do anything wrong because we’re just all products of our environments, bouncing around like marbles in the game of Hungry Hungry Hippo that is our random and cruel universe.

II. DISTRACTIONS

There are a lot of of other themes being explored in the show, such as sensationalism, political correctness, the dark side of Hollywood …etc, but they were quite self-explanatory, so I won’t go too much details on those. However, one of my favorite got to be the attention span possessed in today’s society. Firstly, on the decline of literary consumption: 

Pinky: When was the last time you saw a book?  Bojack: I thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it turned out it was a takeout menu.

Secondly, the fact that every time a character becoming open, vulnerable, or reveal an opinion they hold about the world, they are being interrupted by some bullshit diversions or other characters who detract the audience away from the seriousness of it all, really drived home the point that originality and insight are often being ignored by the noise of superficial entertainment media. E.g, my two favorite scenes were Diane discussing her views on feminism, before being interrupted by Bojack:

“… But I do wonder as a third wave feminist if it’s even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so was just a lie we told ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze.”

… and when Bojack was disagreeing on automatically labelling all American soldiers as heroes, before being interrupted by Mr. Peanutbutter.

“The troops are heroes, all of them. And I don’t believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns… Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.”

Again, this constant intersection between daily, mundane activities chomping down on significant events really highlights how cruel and careless the world is 

III. EXISTENTIAL NIHILISM

I actually wrote this bit before stumbling on this amazing video here which explained much better about the existential nihilism that permeates the show, sprinkled with references from Pascal, Sartre, and Camus. What is the meaning of happiness? And what does it take to get there? I think these are central theme not just in Bojack Horseman, but also an existentialist dilemma that many philosophers have asked throughout the time of history. And I think it’s great that in this 21st century, we could still recreated the importance of this question in a colorful cartoon series. For Bojack, it was to be admired by everyone, I guess because he had lack love throughout his life, and needed to constantly feed his ego and insecurity to restore the guilt of him causing pain to other people in his life. For Princess Carolyn, it was work. For Diane, it was to move to L.A and make a difference with her writing. But at the end, is that truly what they want?

Well, That’s the problem with life, right? Either you know what you want, and then you don’t get what you want. Or you get what you want, and then you don’t know what you want

Ironically, the happiest of people are the seemingly dumbest, aka Mr. Peanutbutter, who realized disparity between the need for a purpose, as well as accepting that the universe bore no purpose, permitted him to live a truly carefree life. But to idealists like Bojack and Diane, who daily questioned their reason of existence, or as the French called it in a more fancy terms, raison d’etre, they constantly sank back into a state of ennui and depression. 

Another amazing article on Medium also explained the concept of the hedonistic treadmill. This term was first coined by psychologists Brickman and Campbell, who observed that humans quickly return to a stable baseline level of happiness despite the impact from major positive or negative life events (qtd. Shatwell). They are like hamsters on a broken treadmill, running in circles to try to add meanings to life without realizing that they will soon go back into the same rut. 

This theme from the show is what I personally identified with the most, as I realize I also had once stuck in this treadmill of achievements. I was not satisfied with performing average in my class, so I strived to achieve 4.0 GPA, but then I did not feel enough, I need to get into an Ivy League. And even when I did, I started to envy other Ivy Leaguers who achieved more in life (e.g Nobel Prize winners, award-winning writers, Olympic atheletes...etc.) before I realized that I am just stuck in this loop of achievement and disappointment. This was a wake up call that made me realize how unhealthy and obsessive I had become. Luckily I had not gone on a drug bender like Bojack, but I do feel like certain points in my life started to become self-destructive mentally and I needed to take a step back to realize how my perspective had deliberately and unconsciously nit-picked people who outperformed me so that I would feel bad about myself and pushed myself to achieve a goal. It took serious self reflection to realize the toxicity of when one pursue something just to justify their reason of existence and to boost their self esteem, not because they enjoy the process of attaining achievement. 

IV. HOPE 

Though Bojack is such a bleak show, I do like how many of its various characters still struggle to survive and fight against their own demons. And though many self-loathed themselves, like Bojack, they still paused to question the possibility to be vulnerable and accept changes. My two favorite scenes: one, Diane opening up about her childhood.  

My family made my life miserable, and then they never forgave me for leaving. The truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.

Second, that heartbreaking dream hallucination sequence while Bojack was tripping drugs: imagining what would it had been if he had removed himself from Hollywood and settled down in Maine with a wife and a child of his own; sitting at that graveyard with his name above his greatest fear (die alone, remembered by no one); begging a figurine of Diane to tell him the answer to his life’s conundrum, and she replied with a seemingly profound quote, “You can’t forced love. All you can do is be good to the people in your life, and kept your hearts open”, but then charged him $5 to remind him that’s she is merely a puppet repeating what he wanted to hear. 

I mean am I just doomed to be the person that I am? The person in that book? I mean it’s not too late for me, is it? It’s not too late? Diane, I need you to tell me it’s not too late. I need you to tell me that I’m a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self­ destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I’m a good person, and I need you to tell me that I’m good. Diane? Tell me, please, Diane.

I can’t stressed how great and realistic this cartoon TV show is, so I guess I will leave this review with one of my last favorite quote:

Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets. It, like true love and the Munich Olympics, doesn’t exist in the real world. The only thing to do now is just to keep living forward.

#moviereviews

[galeyman-blog]

6. Embodying Pain

So focussing on the body can help us to connect with reality using the five senses, but what about when we are feeling anxious, low, angry or frustrated? How can we use our bodies to connect with negative emotions and deal with them in a skillful way? 

When I first experienced anxiety attacks I assumed that there was something physically wrong with me. Strong rushing sensations swirled around my body, a tightness in my chest, knotted stomach, tingly hot sensations across my face and a shortness of breath which sent my mind racing in an attempt to uncover what terrible thing was happening to me - a heart attack at the very least! Waves of adrenaline kept flooding through me and it became exhausting trying to deal with them. The idea that these physical symptoms were caused by mental events would have seemed ludicrous to me at the time. 

But of course my body had always responded physically to mental events - just not on this scale! Everyday stresses and worries would cause unpleasant physical responses: frustration, anger, guilt, fear or hurt pride would cause stabs of pain around my body, a shortening of breath and a quickening of the heart rate. More ‘positive’ emotions like excitement, anticipation or joy would result in more pleasant and warm physical sensations, but they were still a habitual reaction to my thoughts rather than a conscious response. 

The fact that mental events cause physical reactions in the body is no secret, but the way we respond to these feelings often compounds the problem and makes us feel worse. Judging the feelings, or judging ourselves for having them tends to give them a greater importance than they perhaps deserve. If I have a thought that makes me angry, for example, then my body will react in its habitual way - I’ll tense up and my breathing with become shorter and shallower, I may find myself hunched up and frowning. My mind will then take a look at this physical reaction and use it to validate the feeling of anger. The anger must be real and important because look how it’s making me physically feel. So my anger is fully justified and I am free to keep pouring negative thoughts into it and thereby keeping the physical symptoms perpetuated. It’s a feedback loop. An anxiety attack is a good example of this self-validating vicious circle: “I am afraid and I can feel my body filling me with adrenaline in order to counteract the threat - therefore the threat must be real so I will continue to be more and more afraid”.

Mindfulness and meditation practice tends to ease these habitual reactions. Sitting in formal meditation and practicing mindfulness in daily life can help us to notice the physical reactions that we have to our thoughts. And, just as we learn not to take our thoughts as seriously, we also see that our physical reactions are not necessarily to be believed. Our minds are tricking our bodies into perpetuating the negative cycle of thoughts and feelings. In mindfulness we start to notice thoughts and feelings earlier which makes them easier to deal with, before they have a chance to really take hold of us. The key idea is to become aware of the physical reaction in your body - not to judge it, but just to see how it feels, where exactly in the body it is, what exactly it feels like, whether it comes and goes or is constant, whether it moves around the body or perhaps becomes more or less intense. By focussing on the feeling just as it is, rather than allowing our usual thought patterns to throw meanings at it, we can hopefully cope better when things start to get on top of us.

As with ANY thought, all feelings will eventually disappear. If we can courageously sit and watch these intense physically painful feelings moving around our bodies without trying to push them away or judge ourselves for having them, then we will eventually be able to witness the feelings move on. We have allowed them to be, just as they are, and this helps them to move away more quickly. We don’t need to hold onto them. They don’t want to stay, so let’s say goodbye and watch them fade away. This can be difficult at first because we naturally want to avoid unpleasant sensations, but with practice we can slowly learn to face them.*

All of the time that the body is experiencing these painful and strong feelings it is also doing a million other hugely important things - we are breathing, our hearts are beating and blood is being pumped around our bodies, to name but three. Remembering this can be of great benefit when we are suffering. Focussing on the breath, for example, reminds us that we will continue to breath until the day we die, whereas the unpleasant physical sensations are impermanent and will eventually fade out. 

When our minds race we can also look to the body for help. Dropping attention from the tumult of chatter in our heads to the physical presence of our breath going into and out of our bodies serves as an alternative notion of reality (the real one!) which we can utilise to help us remember that our thoughts will continue to race around, coming and going, but our physical presence is in the world, in the here and now. Doing exercise - even taking a short walk - will help with this. Physical activity can greatly aid us in maintaining focus on our bodies as we watch and feel how we move around and react to the physical environment. 

When I am feeling uneasy or low I will sometimes ask myself, “how are you?” I get two answers. My mind will list an endless number of problems and issues that are ‘causing’ great worry. My body will usually just say “everything is OK”.

In my next post I’ll go back to discussing techniques for becoming more comfortable with reality - and how I learned to deal with silence.

Thanks for listening.

*Again, I can only speak from my own experience. Intensely felt physical reactions are hard to work with and effect different people in different ways. Patience and self-compassion are hugely important when trying to face difficult feelings.

#meditation #Mindfulness #mental health #anxiety #peace