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blossomingimagines · 3 years

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Fall Again

Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader x Wanda Maximoff

Word Count: 3,856

Summary:

Notes: I hope this what you were looking for.

Warnings: Depressive thoughts and talks of dying.

The faint sound of buzzing filled your ears as the man sitting before you droned on and on. His words are meaningless beyond the first sentence. ‘The tests came back positive, I’m sorry, you have cancer.’ Words that had instantly filled you with a certain hollowness you had never expected. As if your entire being tried to comprehend the words. As your mind tried to wrap itself around the idea that you were dying. Causing everything else to simply fade away into a static background. Simple white-noise to your predestined existence. Even still bits and pieces slice through like knives. Cutting you open to the world that you would never experience in the same way again. Leaving you exposed and bleeding without any semblance of protection.

The sound of the hospital filtered through your ears. Shuffling of feet and the distant voices of doctors and nurses speaking to one another. An overabundance of cheer and hope floating through the halls like air, but you could now detect the underlying sense of despair. The darkness that festered beneath the light pretenses of the spotless halls. A feeling that only seemed to come to the dying. The beautiful lies become a painful truth. You simply stared straight ahead at all the degrees hanging proudly on the wall. All mocking you, because no matter how many awards your doctor may have-- nothing could ever truly cure you. Nothing could stop your body from tearing itself apart. Nothing could stop the suffering you were going to experience. His words mean nothing more to you than the mindless chatter you hear on the subway.

‘I believe we caught it early, which is a good sign.’

‘You’re going to have to start radiation immediately.’

‘If we don’t get ahead of this thing… I’m afraid there’s not much else we can do.’

Turning, you finally meet the warm gaze of the man that was trying to save your life. Your mouth opens in hopes that your brain just knew what to say. That a few simple words would stop the spinning of the room. That your entire world would make sense again.

Nothing came out.

You simply stared at the man, with your mouth slightly open, as silence settled over the two of you. An oppressive silence that spoke more than either of you ever could. Brown eyes staring into yours with compassion and understanding. Lowering your head, you could feel the way your body seemed to wilt. Your shoulders slumping as you canted forward. Normally graceful hands, fumbling to get a grip on your knees. Anything to keep you anchored. To keep your thoughts on the current moment. On what was happening right now. You didn’t want them to stray to your future. To what you knew was coming for you.

You didn’t want to think about the fact that you were dying. That you would be dead sooner than you ever thought possible.

You had always known that with the life you lived you more than likely wouldn’t live to see your elder years. But you had always thought you would at least go out on your terms. Either a fire-fight where you were protecting your team or protecting innocent life. You had never thought that the true enemy all along was your own body. That it had been biding its time to finally land a crippling strike-- God did it land one.

Closing your eyes, you try to stem the oncoming tears. You hated to cry in public when you were near strangers. You hated to look weak to people that didn’t know you. To people that would judge with their own preconceived notions. Nothing was going to stop the onslaught, however. Not as images of the ones you loved came flashing across your mind.

Tony’s snarky voice filtering through your ears as if he was in the room with you. His teasing tone filling you with warmth. He always knew how to make you forget all your troubles.

Steve’s warm smile as he looked up at you over the newspaper. His blue eyes crinkling with happiness as he offered you a mug of coffee. Having learned how you liked it long ago.

Bruce’s calming presence as he sat beside you as you read. A companionable warmth shared between the two of you.

Thor’s booming laugh as you told him a joke that you had heard. Easy conversation passing between you both as you shared joke after joke-- as well as ale, of course.

Clint’s grin as you cooked together. His shoulder bumping into yours with the ease of someone who had done it a hundred times over.

Vision’s practical words always seemed to make you chuckle. As you always found his no-nonsense ways both endearing and amusing.

Then Natasha and Wanda appeared and the choked feeling in your throat only grew. Their green eyes sparkling with all the love in the world. Wanda’s open grin filling you with the same amount of warmth as Natasha’s half-smile. The laughter that so easily flowed between the three of you. Your body naturally wedged between them both as you tried to get as close as possible-- though that never seemed to be close enough.

Clenching your hands, you try to ignore the way your heart broke all over again. Try to ignore the fact that not only your heart was going to be broken by the end of the day. That the two women that held your heart had already lost too much. And now… they may lose you too.

A simple fact that caused a choked sob to escape your mouth. You want nothing more than to go to a time where this was the simple case of the flu. When the only reason you had gone to the doctor was because of worried green eyes tracking you wherever you went. Even when you had done everything to reassure them that you were fine. Their worry, their fear, had been the tipping point.

“How long?”

It took you a moment to realize you had been the one that spoke. As the voice that had broken through the silence sounded nothing like your own. It was weak… feeble… everything you strived not to be. And even as the question hung between the two of you, you weren’t sure you wanted an answer. You weren’t even sure what had caused you to ask in the first place.

You weren’t sure about a lot of things anymore.

“With what we’ve seen? I’m afraid that if you don’t start treatment as soon as possible you’ll be dead within a few months.” The words only cause your stomach to drop even more. “However, I am confident that we caught it early enough. That, with the treatment, you may be able to make a full recovery.”

A sardonic smile twists your mouth. “And if I don’t? I’ll end up dying as something I’m not, right? A shell of who I used to be.”

“Yes,” he agrees softly. “But would you rather take the chance of living? Or succumb to your body’s wishes of death?”

His words echo like a mantra as you make your way back towards the Tower. Your eyes are taking in the landscape of New York City. The bustling of life that always permeated the streets. Whether it’s children pulling their parents excitedly to the next store or a businessman that was rushing to his next meeting-- New York City never seized in its constant state of motion. No matter what happened amid its confines nothing ever seemed to disturb that simple fact.

If you were to die tomorrow nothing would truly change. The shops would still open in the early recesses of the morning. Taxis and other means of transportation would still rush through the streets looking for passengers. There would still be the distant wails of ambulances on their way to the hospital. Life would go on as it always had. The world wouldn’t stand still simply because you were no longer in it. Even if yours had the moment you had heard the news.

Pressing your lips into a thin line, you stand and follow the line of people that were getting off. Your feet touching the rough pavement of the sidewalk with a hollow thud. With your hands stuffed into the pockets of your coat, you make your way through the throngs of people. Ignoring some of the looks you received once people recognized who you were. You weren’t in the mood to socialize. You also weren’t in the mood to dismiss the people that looked up to you. You knew what it was like to be dismissed by the people who you used to idolize-- your own personal heroes. You didn’t want that to ever happen to anyone that felt the same way towards you.

So, you just kept your head down and plowed through the bustling streets of New York. Towards the beckoning light of Avengers Tower. The great A situated on its side a beacon for home and safety. The dull echoing of your footsteps on the marble floor of the lobby as you bypass security. Your mind somewhere else entirely as you make your way up towards the communal floor of the Tower. Only the soft sound of the elevator pulled you out of your reverie. Announcing that you had arrived at your destination.

Following the faint sounds of voices, your body follows the well-worn path to the kitchen. Taking in everything as you near the entrance-- trying to remember everything as it was before the fallout that you knew was about to happen. From the faint crack along the sidewall of the living room that had appeared when Thor had ‘tripped’ while playing Nerf Wars. To the many pictures that lined the walls-- from amusing candid's to group pictures from intimate affairs. The happiness that suffused the walls of the Tower was always present.

You hated that you were about to taint it with the same underlying sense of darkness that the hospital held. Hated that your own body has betrayed you.

You stop, just at the precipice of the room, and smile at what you see inside. Natasha at the counter cutting various vegetables while Clint stole as many as he could manage before she noticed. Steve at the stove as he continued on with a conversation with Bruce. Tony sitting at the island with a StarkPad in his hands-- no doubt tinkering with more ideas for the next Iron Man suit. Wanda and Vision were standing side-by-side as Wanda taught the android how to properly set the table. Laughter flowing between them all. It was a serene moment that you didn’t want to break. That you wanted to capture and live in forever, but all good things must come to an end eventually.

It seems like this one had to the moment Vision noticed you standing at the doorway. His bright smile is an indicator that he was glad to see you.

“I wasn’t aware you had returned. If I had I would have greeted you like I normally do, Y/N.”

At the mention of your name, and Vision’s voice, the team turns and greets you with varying responses-- mostly cheers and grins. At their sudden attention, you take another step into the room. Offering a small smile towards Vision. Hoping that it would show that you didn’t mind he wasn’t waiting for you once you had returned. As you weren’t expecting to have lessons tonight either way.

“It’s all right, Vis.” You shrug. “I wasn’t expecting you to.”

At your words, Vision’s eyes narrow ever-so-slightly as he detected the underlying stress that you were trying to hide. Something you knew he was about to comment on before Tony interrupted with a question directed towards the android. You never wanted to kiss a man more.

Knowing that you needed to get some air, but not wanting to be rude, you turn towards Steve. “When will dinner be ready, Cap?”

“Another thirty minutes,” he admits with a rueful smile. “It would have been finished sooner if Thor hadn’t eaten all the final touches for the meal. He’s out getting them right now.”

You flash a smile at him. “That’s all right, Steve. I think I’m going to go up and get changed. I feel a little grubby in these clothes.”

He simply smiles back at you. Taking that as a sign to make a quick exit, you’re half-way out of the door before Bruce’s soft voice halts you.

“So what did the doctor say?”

You shoot him a confused look over your shoulder. Trying to desperately appear neutral as all the attention of the room, once again, shifted towards you.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you go to the doctor today, má lásko?” Wanda steps from around the counter. A worried frown began to make its presence known on her beautiful face. The same expression that was starting to appear on Natasha’s. Something that you didn’t want at all. Your mind screeches at you to fix the situation you had suddenly found yourself in. You couldn’t tell them all right now. You could barely wrap your mind around it. You didn’t know if you could handle dealing with them trying to as well.

“I have the flu,” you offer with a weak smile and a shrug. “A few days of rest and I should be as right as rain.” You turn your gaze towards Natasha and Wanda. Your eyes noticeably softening as you did so. “I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

At your words, the team seemed to relax. The tense atmosphere, that you hadn’t even been aware of before now, dissipating as they all turned back to what they were doing. Sighing, softly, you quickly make your way out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards your room.

Trying to ignore the feeling of two green gazes following you as you did so.

The bright lights of New York City shone like the millions of stars that hung above it. Shimmering in the oncoming darkness that the night brought. The buildings, and the people, standing strong against the presence that many tried to avoid. Standing just beside the large window that made up a wall of your room, you could clearly see the nightcrawlers coming out down below. A completely different society awakening as the sun disappears behind the horizon.

Having changed into fresh clothes, you felt slightly rejuvenated. As if the clothes you had been wearing were bars to a cell. Locking you in with the truth that you were trying desperately to come to terms with. Being out of them brought a small semblance of peace, of stability, that you had been searching for. The simple act allows your mind enough time to get its bearings once more. It may not have been the ground-breaking epiphany you were searching for but it was enough. For now.

“Dorogoy?” A soft voice whispers from the entrance of the room. Your eyes slipping shut as the knowledge of their presence seeped into you. They have given you enough time to prepare yourself. You were a fool to think that they wouldn’t have noticed that something was wrong.

Turning, you meet their gazes with a tired smile. “Nat. Wanda. Is something the matter?”

Your question causes both their eyes to flash. Whether it be in a warning or something else, you weren’t entirely sure.

“I believe you have the answer to that question, Y/N,” Wanda says, her brow furrowing in concern. “We know that something is bothering you but we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what that is.”

“We’re concerned,” Natasha admits, her voice uncharacteristically soft. Her green eyes shimmering with suppressed emotion as she stares at you. “What did the doctor really say to you?”

A defeated feeling wells itself up in your chest. You know that you couldn’t lie to them. You had never been able to lie to them. Slumping forward, you move over to your bed and sit. A sigh escaping your mouth as they followed suit. Natasha settling on your right as Wanda settled on your left. Their hands immediately clasping yours in gentle, yet strong, holds.

Your jaw clenches as you try to work up the courage to speak. Try to put the words you didn’t want to be true out there. To make them materialize as a reality instead of the nightmare you wished they were.

“I have cancer.”

The events that followed went by too fast for you to truly react. Natasha’s hands tightened around yours with a stricken look painting itself across her face. Wanda stood with fury written across her face, green eyes flashing red as she tried to control her powers, though you knew none of that fury was directed towards you. At least not yet.

A soft hand on your cheek pulls your attention away from Wanda’s pacing. Your eyes taking in the pained expression on Natasha’s face. An almost desperate edge underlying it made you sick to your stomach. A quality that only resonated itself within her voice. Tears already forming in her emerald green orbs as reality came crashing down around you all. “They caught it early, right? There’s still a chance for you to beat it? Please tell me there’s still a chance. Tell us there’s still a chance to save you. That we won’t lose you.”

Tears flow unbidden down your cheeks at her desperate pleas. At the faint sound of Wanda kneeling before you and pressing her forehead against your knees. The trembling you could clearly feel as her hands clasped onto your only available one. The tears you could already feel seeping through your leggings. You want nothing more than to take their pain away. To tell them that this was some horribly fucked up joke that Tony put you up to but you couldn’t. You couldn’t and that hurt you more than any bullet ever has.

Your throat clenches around the words that try to escape your mouth. As you try to choke out the words through your despair. “Yes.” Natasha’s eyes lighten at your words and Wanda’s head raises from its position on your knees. “The doctor says that they caught it early but I’ll have to begin treatment right away.”

“That’s good though, right?” Wanda murmurs, settling back onto her feet. Her wide eyes filled with so much hope. “You’ll just begin treatment and everything will be okay.”

At their expectant looks, you lower your gaze towards your lap. Your heart thudding against your chest as you tried to formulate what you wanted to say. But how could you tell the two people that made your life worth living that you weren’t going to have treatment? That you were letting everything rest and have the universe take its destined course.

Your silence seemed to be all the answer Natasha needed, however. Her words filled with thinly-veiled fury. “You’re not going to go forward with the treatment.”

“No.”

The silence that follows your feeble answer was even more oppressive than the one in the hospital. Both Natasha’s and Wanda’s hands tightening around yours as they processed your answer. Both their emotions heightening as each second ticked by. Swirling around the three of you like a vortex. Having them both stand suddenly pulls you out of your reverie. Your head snapping up to watch them both pace. Agitation is clear in each graceful movement of their bodies.

Whipping around, Wanda snarls at you. “Why don’t you want treatment? It could save your life, Y/N.”

“And it could also make me a husk of who I am,” you cry, standing up from your bed. “We don’t know if the treatment will work and I refuse to die as something I’m not.”

“We don’t know that it will fail, Y/N.” Natasha cries back, equally as outraged as you were. “We don’t know what the future will hold. Except for the simple fact that you will die if you refuse treatment. It’s just a maybe right now.”

Wanda steps forward with an anguished look on her face. “Please don’t sign your life away because of something you don’t even know will be the end result. Don’t make this into a certainty.”

“Even if I do start treatment I will be completely useless to the team,” you hiss. “Who knows how long I’ll have to fight this until it goes into remission. I don’t want to be a burden on any of you.”

Natasha takes your face into her hands, her thumbs gently rubbing soothing circles on your cheeks. “Do you think they will care, Y/N? Do you think they won’t jump for joy when they find out that you’ve decided to fight? That they won’t be there for you every step of the way?”

“We’re a family, Y/N,” Wanda murmurs with a loving look shining in her eyes. “Family doesn’t let family fight their demons by themselves. You’re more to us, to them, than just a teammate. Nat and I love you with everything that we are. And you know the boys love you like a sister. They wouldn’t want you to just give up.”

“Yeah,” Natasha chuckles. “And I’m pretty sure you’re Vision’s surrogate mother.”

You laugh softly at her gentle teasing. Feeling warmth blossom in your chest for the first time since you had stepped foot in the hospital. “What about if I get too sick to take care of myself like I used to?”

“We’ll be there, dorogoy,” Natasha whispers, one hand falling from your cheek as Wanda’s took its place. “When you fall we’ll always be there to pick you back up. Just like we know you’ll always be there for us.”

Your eyes slip shut as the feeling of complete warmth and safety settles over you. Your world is finally beginning to make sense once more. Everything came back into focus as you were surrounded by Natasha and Wanda. The two people that knew how to set your heart on fire with emotions you never knew you could feel.

“Okay,” you whisper. “I’ll begin treatment.”

You didn’t have to open your eyes to know that they were smiling. Nor did you have to, to know that they were leading you towards the large bed. Easily pulling into the center with their bodies snugly pressed into both sides. Your nose nuzzling into Wanda’s neck as Natasha pressed herself firmly into your back. Both of their arms holding you in their warm embrace.

All other thoughts slipping from your mind as you succumbed to the dark recesses of sleep. The only things that mattered were the two women that were holding you like you were the most valuable thing in the world to them. Their warmth better than anything a blanket could ever provide. The feeling of completeness overwhelming you as the darkness finally took hold.

Your last thoughts being of the two women who would always be there to pick you back up again.

No matter how many times you may fall.

#natasha romanoff x reader #wanda maximoff x reader #natasha romanoff x reader x wanda maximoff #natasha romanoff #wanda maximoff #marvel imagines #black widow x reader #scarlet witch x reader #fall again #avengers imagine #avengers #marvel

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supernaturallyobsessedchic · 3 years

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You’re It

[gif credit to @ehghtyseven]

Square: Mechanic!AU ( @supernatural-jackles tell me a story bingo)

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Summary: Her life is falling apart around her. So she heads to her hometown to start fresh. But is she ready to take on what awaits her in Lawrence Kansas.

Warnings: Angst, abusive relationships, domestic assault, break ups, Lisa being a bitch, Death of a character, tears, strong language, smut ( 18+, unprotected sex (wrap it up boys), p in v, pwp (I think anyway)) things moving unrealistically fast but it’s a fiction so, screw realism.

Word Count: 5,400 ish

Bingo Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Mobile Masterlist

A/N: This is a long one, I hope you enjoy it. :3

Tears streaming down her face as she drove down the long dark road on the rainy night.

All her belongings in the backseat and trunk of her car.

How she gave him so many chances was beyond her, but he is all out of chances. Out of chances to hurt her again.

An innocent dinner, and one accident brought out the beast in her, now ex-boyfriend.

She’s sure she’s still sporting the red hand mark on her face, a black eye and even a bruise on her shoulder.

But she was heading back to where it all started, her hometown of Lawrence Kansas.

She just reached the outskirts of the city when her car started to act up on her, making a scary noise that sounded expensive.

She saw a sign that caught her eye, made her think of her high school days.

Winchester Garage and Scrap.

Winchester. She knew a Dean Winchester. He was a grade higher than her; she was a junior and he was a senior when they met.

He was always so sweet to her. She even fell for Dean at one point, but it all shattered when she saw him kiss another girl at their prom. Ran home in tears.

She had no choice, her car was about to either die or explode, she had to pull in towards the parking lot.

She saw him.

He hasn’t changed at all, like he doesn’t age.

He came running out, signaling to her to shut her car off. She does as told without hesitation. The sound was scaring her this point.

Clearing her eyes of any tears, dry her face as she got out.

“That don’t sound good, lets get it looked at…” He says. “Wait, do I know you from somewhere?”

“I’m Y/N Y/L/N,”

“Your junior prom and my senior prom, damn it’s been a while.” She could tell he’s just making small talk, ignoring the elephant between them.

She nods in agreement.

“You okay? Did…did someone hit you?” he saw it. She knew he saw it. Either the slap mark or the black eye. Either way, he saw it.

“It doesn’t matter Dean; can you please fix my car and I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Doesn’t matter? Someone hurt you Y/N. Come inside, I still have hot coffee going, lets get you out of this rain.”

She nodded following him inside.

In the waiting room she heard Dean typing away getting her car checked into his system, getting her paperwork started for her, leaving a few other spaces for her to fill in but other than that, he helped her get the ball rolling.

Walking back in the waiting room he saw how small she was making herself become in the room. Something big happened to her, and she wasn’t up for sharing it with him.

He walked up to her, seeing her look up at him with her big eyes, almost puppy like. He handed her the clipboard.

“I filled out what I could for you, I just need your personal info, address, phone number, that sort of thing.”

“Okay.” She says, setting down the coffee and taking the clipboard and pen.

He only saw her write down her phone number.

“You don’t live in town anymore?” he asked curiously.

“No I didn’t, but I’m moving back now.”

“Look, I know something big and bad went down between you and someone. I just…it pisses me off that someone hurt you.”

“You still care about me, why is that?”

“You were my girl; I still consider you my girl. I don’t know what I did that pissed you off, you never wanted to hear from my side.”

“You were kissing another girl on prom night, I saw you.”

“A girl, oh, you mean Abaddon, she’s had a huge crush on me and forced herself on me.”

Her heart was pounding hard against her.

“She…did she did more?”

“No, I pushed her off. And I went to look for you, and when I couldn’t find you, I knew what her plan was.”

“She did that on purpose, in hopes I’d see it and break up with you. So you’d be up for grabs for her…that bitch!”

“Y/N, that was almost ten years ago now, she married Michael, and they been married for about three years now…let it go.”

She hid her face in embarrassment, forcing the tears back.

“I was with Lucifer,”

“Michael’s brother, why he’s such a dick?”

“He comforted me after what I saw. And after I graduated, I followed him to LA. We tried to be together but he just…kept hurting me.”

She saw his jaw clench tight. A vein popping from the side of his neck. He was pissed, beyond pissed if there ever was such thing.

“First was he hit me when I didn’t want to have sex with him, I told him it was too fast. He broke my nose in the process. I left him for a few days, and he came crawling back, apologizing. I gave him a second chance. Second, he hits me when I was trying to talk to him…about something, I don’t remember. I woke up in the hospital with a concussion. The story was I fell down the stairs. He apologizes to me and I told him he has one last chance…”

“Y/N, why were you giving him so many chances?”

“I thought he loved me. But after tonight, I guess he never really loved me.”

“Does he know where you went?”

“I never told him, he stormed out of the house to a bar most likely. I packed up everything and just left. I may have sped rather…fast, I just wanted to get away from him.”

“Well, you’re safe here sweetheart.”

Her lips twitched upward in a small smile.

“What about you Dean? Did you find someone?”

“Not really, nothing but break ups. Lisa and I had a bad break up just recently. Told me how weak I was for not trying.”

“What, trying what?”

“Just being with her. I was always at work, away at college, going to classes. Working my old job with my Uncle, and then opening this bad boy. She thought I wasn’t trying. But really I was making this all for her, and the family she wanted. But I guess that wasn’t good enough for her.”

“No Dean, she wasn’t good enough. She was being a bitch.” She encourages.

“I guess, but now I’m just wanting to be single for a bit. Maybe the right girl will show up.” he smirks.

“Dean…we both have been hurt, let’s just go slow. Lets try to be friends again first.”

“I can live with that.” He says. “Lets get your car in here.”

He managed to push her car in, having her steer it in the garage.

“I’ll work on it first thing in the morning.” He mentions. “Now, since you just got into town, you probably don’t have a place to stay, do you?”

“Well, my dad is still here. I’m gonna stay with him.”

“Didn’t you hear what happened though?”

“I know, he’s been down hill since mom died from Cancer. He practically gave up. I hope I can help lift his spirits now that I’m home.”

“Well that, but there’s something else. Yesterday, did he tell you?”

She shook her head.

“He was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It had already spread, it’s too advanced for treatment. My dad told me.”

Her heart sank. “He didn’t mention that to me. But he did sound different when I spoke to him.”

“Do you want me to go with you? Get you settled in?”

“Please.” Her eyes glistened with more tears. “I don’t want to go alone; I don’t know what I’m in for when I see him.”

“It’s okay sweetheart, let’s get your things in my truck and we’ll get going.”

“Do you still have her? The impala?”

“I do, she’s tucked away at my house in the garage. I take her out once in a while. Maybe tomorrow I can give you a ride in her. Take your mind off things.”

“I’d love that Dean, thank you.”

Giving her a kind smile, he began moving her things from her car to his truck. Pulling the tarp cover over the bed to protect whatever he got in the bed of the truck.

Driving through the streets of Lawrence she looked out her window, seeing all that has changed.

“So, what do you do since High school?”

“I’m a writer.”

“Oh nice, got any books out yet?”

“I have a few out there. All romantics.”

“Working on anything new?”

“No, been kind of in a rough spot lately.”

“Oh, with…I gotchyou now. Well, don’t worry, I’m sure once things calm down it’ll come to you.”

“I hope so.”

He pulled down the familiar street. The same street she grew up on. Pulling into the familiar driveway seeing the familiar family house.

“He’s still here, after all these years.”

“Yeah, my guess is he misses your mom, you, your brothers.”

She nods, getting out.

She walks up the path to the front door, Dean behind her carrying some of her bags.

She see’s one of her brothers stepping out of the house.

“Hey shortie.”

“Hey big bro.” she says. Getting a big hug from him.

“You want us to hunt this fucker down?”

“No, he’s not worth it.” she says pulling away.

“Hey Dean,”

“What’s up Peirce.”

“Nothing new. Oh, Becky and I are expecting, she wants to invite you to the baby shower.”

“That soon?” Y/N asks.

“You remember Becky?”

“Oh that Becky, okay, I get why she’s doing it this early.” She giggles. “She should wait, what if it’s a girl and you got all boy stuff? Or a boy and all girl stuff?”

“I don’t know, I’m sure she has a plan for it.” He says. “Here, come in guys.”

“How’s dad?” Y/N asks entering into the foyer.

“Not good. His nurse is here. She thinks, with him knowing his family is here he might be heading out soon.”

She nods. “I haven’t even seen him yet.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll see him tomorrow. Because I’m sure he wants to see you.”

She felt a hand on her shoulder, looking up at Dean he gives her a sweet smile.

“She has her stuff in my truck if you want to help me move her in?” Dean asks.

“Sure thing.”

Her brother and Dean begin making trips from his truck to the house. While she wonders the house. Seeing everything as she left it. Finding a picture of her mom with her, her dad, and her two brothers. A tear finding it’s way to the surface, a tight feeling building tighter in her chest.

So much has happened so far, and she is making a big change in her life.

Hearing the door close takes her out of her haze.

“Alright that’s the last of them, Y/N, I’m gonna head. I’ll pick you up around eight, Fridays are my short days.” Dean says coming up behind her.

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

Dean nods with a smile, offering a hug. She doesn’t hesitate. She needed a hug.

He takes her in close and tight to his chest.

“You’re okay now, you’re safe. Everything is going to be okay sweetheart.” He whispers.

She nods against his chest. Holding back the tears.

He pulls away, giving her one final smile before kissing the top of her head.

“See you tomorrow.” He says. She nods again as he walks out the door, heading home.

“Sis?”

“I’m not okay.” She chokes out before a sob wracks through her.

Her brother doesn’t hesitate in hugging her quickly as she broke down.

“It’s okay baby sis, I’ve got you. No one is going to hurt you again. Like Dean said, your safe.”

She nods as she cries against her big brother.

The next morning she woke up, still heavy with memories of last night but the light for a hopeful future tried to beat down the heaviness she felt.

She got up to take a quick morning shower.

Once she got out and cleaned up she saw her nurse in the kitchen getting what looked like a water mug.

“You my dad’s nurse?” she asked sweetly.

“I am honey, he’s doing okay right now, but his body is getting tired.”

“I know, my mom was the same with her cancer.”

“It can take a big toll on the body. If you want to see him he’s up.”

She nods. Not thinking twice she heads up to his room. Seeing her dad lying in bed, peacefully dozing off.

“Hi daddy.”

“Hey buttercup.” He says groggily with a smile.

He saw the remaining evidence of last night.

“Do I need to send my boys after that son of a bitch?”

“No dad, he’s not worth it. He doesn’t even know I’m here.”

“Good. You know you always have a home here.”

She smiles, taking a seat on his bed. Taking his hand in hers. Her dad rubbing a thumb atop her knuckles.

“I know this sucks sweetie, you getting back after all this time and I’m dying.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t worry about me dad. I got Peirce and Zane, and Dean too.”

“You and that boy back together?”

“We’re just trying for friends right now dad. We both have been through really shitty relationships.”

“He made you so happy.”

She nods. “I know dad, he still does. He’s taking me out for a ride in his car when he gets off at the garage.”

“That’s nice of him.”

She nods.

“Sweetheart, there’s something I need to tell you as well.”

“What is it?”

“You’re getting this house, I want you to have a family in this house so you can tell your kids all the good stories, the bad stories. Tell them you grew up in this house.”

“Dad, I don’t know if I can…”

“The boys are moving back, Zane got himself a job with John Winchester on the police force.”

“Zane still a cop, even after all the crap that’s gone down?”

“He’s a strong man now.”

She nods. “That he is.”

“Peirce and his wife, his wife got a job as a news anchor here, and he is gonna work with Dean in the garage.”

“He never mentioned that to me.”

“Yeah, Peirce has a knack for fixing up cars. Then again, Dean did show him all sorts of stuff after you left. He didn’t know what to do.”

“Then again, he and Dean did graduate at the same time.”

“Yes, that too. But the family is going to be here.” Her dad says, bringing a hand up to her cheek, brushing a thumb across her cheekbone. Her hand helping him hold it there.

“It’s going to be okay Buttercup. You won’t be alone here.”

“I know daddy.”

“I love you all so much.”

She fought the sobs so hard, she brought herself down to his chest, hugging him gently.

“I love you too Dad.”

That afternoon, she spent some time walking around the town. Seeing things being the same and different all at once. She saw what used to be Dairy Queen get turned into a Starbucks.

Taking her dad’s car she drove around the town, even finding Dean’s garage not far from the city limits.

Pulling in, she decided to stop by and visit.

Walking in she saw a line of people, one woman growing impatient turning around to leave.

This is a bad time. She thought. Until she saw a certain someone at the desk.

“Dean?”

“Hey Sweetheart,” Dean says, typing away. “I would love to visit but I’m really busy.”

“Can I help?”

“You want to help?”

“Yeah, just show me the desk work, I want to help you out.”

“Okay, come around here.”

Dean showed her how to fill out the information in the computer system, giving the customers their papers to fill out.

Showing her how to process them through the system. Showing what to do when the work is done, and what to do at the end of the day.

He was shocked at how fast she worked on the computer. Typing faster than he could. The line got shrunk down quickly, everyone getting checked in.

“Nice.”

“I am a computer nerd too after all.”

“I forget, you’re like Sammy.”

“Now, get to work so we can catch up.”

He chuckles as he turns around to the garage, getting everyone’s cars in and working on them.

Peirce popping in covered in oil and grease.

“Hey sis, got anymore?”

“One more, You guys are quick.”

“A lot of it is oil changes and tire rotations. Some are break pad changes. So, some simple ones.”

“Last one is a rattling noise in her engine.” She says handing him the file.

“Alright, I’ll get to it.” he says taking the file with the keys attached.

She smiles rolling her eyes, shaking her head. In the back of her mind, she thinks she may have found a good day job. It’s simple, fast paced for sure, but she loved doing it, nonetheless.

The workday was coming to a close, Y/N finishing up the paperwork.

“Y/N, We’re done, Dean’s also almost done with your car.” Peirce says coming in behind her.

“Okay.”

“You drove that thing hard, talk about perfect timing.”

“How bad was it?”

“Well, a cylinder burst, and the belt broke. That thing was about to blow.”

“How was he able to fix the cylinder?”

“Chevy’s are easy to come by. He had the right parts, and he was able to fix that, and get you a new belt.”

“He was in here last night wasn’t he, he didn’t go home.”

Peirce held his hands up. “You have to talk to him about that one.”

She shook her head. “Somethings going on, I know it.” she gets up from the desk and heads into the garage.

Seeing him working under the hood of her car.

“Dean, did you go home at all last night?”

“Why?” he asks, grunting as he tightened parts to her engine.

“Its just, engine work, now I’m no expert but that takes a lot of time to work on. Sure you had the parts but, to be done with my car this fast when any other shop would be done with it in a few days. You got done with it in one.”

He got up, wiping his hands. “What are you trying to say?”

“Is there a reason you’re not wanting to go home? Working at odd hours?”

“You sound just like Lisa.” He grumbled.

“Dean, I’m just worried about you is all. I don’t want you working yourself to death.”

“I’m not working myself to death.”

“Then why were you here last night and not at home resting?”

His jaw clenched, not wanting to talk about it.

“Dean, if you’re wanting to try again, you have to open up a bit. I opened up everything I could to you yesterday.”

He looked down at his hands, wiping his hands out of nervous habit.

“We both might have something in common, we had abusive relationships.”

“She…she didn’t…”

“She’d hit me, punch me. And for a small girl, she can hit. She had no reason. I’d come home late, she’d hit me, hurt me. I get home early, same thing. She wanted more with me, but I didn’t. All the late hours working, was to stay away from her. I moved out after I broke up with her. she knows where I live. One night she tried to…”

“Did you call the police, get a restraining order on her?”

“I did, but it doesn’t matter, apparently when guys go through this it’s no big deal.”

“It is too a big deal Dean.”

They sat in silence for a beat, Y/N trying to think what she could do.

“Can’t you move again?”

“I could but I don’t want to move too far from work, you know.”

The sound of tire screeches outside tore them from their conversation.

Peirce came running in as fast as he could.

“Dean, dude, she’s coming!”

“She, as in?” Y/N asked.

“Yes, Lisa. And dude, she’s pissed.”

“Call your dad, now Dean.” Y/N ordered.

Dean did as told. When another set of tires came tearing in.

“Winchester!”

Y/N saw red. Abusive partners, she was getting really tired of how sick and ugly people would get with people they ‘loved’.

She was in auto pilot. She marched out of the garage and towards Lisa.

“Out of the way bitch.”

“He’s not in there skank.”

“The fuck did you call me?”

“Apparently you’re deaf too, here, let me say it slower for you. Skank.”

“You fuckin’ bitch!” she screams. And begins throwing punches at her, wildly.

Y/N able to dodge most of them, blocking the others that got close.

“Y/N stop, the cops are coming!” Peirce warned.

“I’m not doing anything she is!”

“Fuck off!” Lisa screamed.

Dean came into view from the garage. Tearing Lisa’s attention from Y/N to him.

“There you are, the fuck are you doing?”

“We’re done Lisa, I told you.”

“You don’t get to end shit with me Winchester.”

Peirce got himself between her and him, y/n not far behind.

Lisa landed a strong punch on Peirce.

Y/N’s eye’s bulged in rage. She had grabbed onto Lisa’s shirt from behind, pulling her away from her brother before she could land another punch on him. But pulling her so hard she lost her footing and fell on her rear.

“You don’t touch him, or my brother you hear me bitch!”

“The fuck you care, you left him first!”

“At least I didn’t lay a hand on him.”

Lisa jumped up, ready to throw more punches, when a man in uniform. John Winchester came in behind, pulling Lisa’s arms behind her, cuffing her.

“What the fuck!”

“You’re under arrest for domestic assault and aggravated assault.” He says firmly.

“Bull shit, you got no proof!”

“I have my POV cam on honey, I was sitting not far from you. I saw everything.”

“Fuck off!” she screeched.

“No one hurts my son and gets away with it. Lets go.” He pulls her to his cruiser.

Y/N turned her attention to her brother.

She saw Dean sat next to him, handing him an ice pack.

“You okay Peirce?”

“Damn she can throw a punch.”

“Yeah, she’s bad news.” Dean goes.

“Yeah but ignore that, my sis is super woman, she just fucking tossed her like she was nothing!” Peirce laughed with a proud smile.

“Well, no one hurts my family and gets away with it.”

She saw Dean nod lowly. “And no one hurts my friends and gets away with it.”

Dean looks up at her, a confused furrow on his brow before he smiled sweetly at her comment.

“Now I think someone is safe to go home from work now.” She says.

“Yeah, thank god she’s been caught.”

She drove her dad’s car back home, seeing more cars by her dad’s house.

Getting out, she hurries inside.

The house full of family members she hasn’t seen in years.

Her nurse coming down the stairs.

“He just took a turn; I suggest saying your goodbyes.”

Her eyes filled with thick tears; a sob tore at her throat.

She felt two pairs of hands on her shoulders. Looking to her right she see’s Peirce. And Zane on her left.

The siblings head upstairs to his room. Their dad laid there, his breathing labored and shallow. Clearly suffering.

Zane taking one side of the bed, Y/N and Peirce walking around to the other side. The three holding their dads hand.

“Daddy, we’re here. Everything is okay.” Y/N says.

“Yeah dad, we’ll be okay. We’ll look after Y/N.” Zane says.

“I’ll take good care of the house.” Y/N adds.

“We’ll take care of each other.” Peirce adds after her.

His breathing quickened, pained. They squeezed his hands.

“Daddy it’s okay, you can rest now. We’ll be okay.” Y/N says, holding back the tears.

They felt their dad give a slight squeeze of their hands before his hand going limp.

He let out his last breath, his monitors flatlining.

Y/N let out a pained sob as her hands flew to her mouth to hold back yells of the pain of loss.

Pierce quickly brought his sister in his arms. Zane walking around the bed, hugging his brother and sister as they allowed themselves to cry.

It seemed like forever, they exited the room, slowly descending the stairs.

Y/N see’s Dean by the door. She quickly descended the last few steps and walks over to him.

Dean didn’t hesitate to hold her closely as she cried against him.

“Shh, it’s going to be okay sweetheart. I got you.”

After an hour of hanging with the family, their extended family leave for the night. The brothers staying, Dean as well.

They sat in the family room, Y/N sitting against Dean, Peirce sitting with his wife and Zane sitting on the end of the couch.

“If you want, one of us can stay here with you.” Peirce says.

“But babe, the baby shower.” Becky begs.

“I think it can hold until I feel okay again, please.”

“Okay, that seems fair.” She says. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay baby.” Peirce says, kissing atop Becky’s head.

“I think I’ll be fine,” Y/n says.

“I can stay with her. Besides, I don’t feel safe at my house despite Lisa being arrested and everything.”

“You’re more than welcome Dean.” Zane says.

Peirce nodding in agreement. “Totally.”

“Besides, we probably should go, get some rest and all that.” Peirce says, after seeing Becky yawn.

They all got up from the couch, exchanging hugs with their sister and sister in law.

“Call us if you need anything okay shortie.”

“Will do big bro.” she smiles

That night, she got out of the shower with red puffy eyes. She managed to get totally dried off and dressed for bed.

Heading to her room she finds Dean dressed in his pajamas.

“Hope you don’t mind sharing.”

“I don’t mind really. Because, screw going slow, I need you right now.” She says a sob cracking through the surface.

Dean hurries to her, bring her in his arms.

“I’m right here sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere.” He whispers.

He manages to help her into bed, he climbs in on his side of the bed and quickly wraps his arms around her as she continued to cry her eyes out.

He holds her close, placing a kiss atop her forehead, a silent promise that he’s there.

She woke up the next morning, feeling like she didn’t sleep a wink.

She saw the bed was empty, no sign of Dean but the kitchen smelling of breakfast.

She gets up and heads down to the kitchen. Seeing him dressed and by the stove cooking bacon and eggs.

“Morning beautiful girl.”

“Morning handsome.” She smiles.

“How do you like your bacon?”

“Well not burnt.”

“Come on, crispy bacon is good!” he says playfully.

“Blah!” she fake gags.

Dean rolls his eyes with a chuckle.

“I take it you didn’t sleep good.”

“No, I’m tired.”

“Well, I’m off today. My shop is closed on the weekends. So, we can stay in, clean up the house. Or I can take you on that drive.”

“I want to see baby.”

“A drive it is.”

After a delicious breakfast, she quickly showers off last nights tears. And dresses quickly, eager to see his 67 impala.

She walks out the door to find it parked in her driveway behind her dad’s car.

Dean sitting on her hood.

“She’s still as beautiful as ever.” She says walking up to him.

“Not as beautiful as you.”

“Stop you hopeless romantic.”

He chuckles hopping off the hood.

“I’m only a hopeless romantic for you.”

She giggles.

“There’s that smile, ready for a nice drive?”

“So ready.”

He walks around to the driver side as she gets in the passenger side.

He managed to find a nice spot in an abandoned field, overlooking the city of Lawrence.

“Thank you Dean, I really enjoyed this.”

“Glad you did. I enjoyed having you here.”

She looks up towards him, her lips finding his in a sweet and loving kiss.

She felt his hand come up behind her head, brushing through her hair, as he deepened the kiss.

“Sweetheart, if we keep this up, I’m not gonna last.”

“It’s okay Dean,” she says against his lips. Kissing him hard.

He adjusts himself; she adjusts herself with him as he gently guides her down to her back. His hands exploring her body, her hands feeling his strong arms, shoulders, and chest. Shedding their clothes as everything escalates, their lips not leaving.

She laid their completely bare and naked before him. She can feel his eyes roam her body; she felt the urge to hide herself away.

“So gorgeous.” He whispers.

His lips finding hers again, distracting her from his member hardening against her thigh.

She ground her hips against him, pulling a grunt out of him. He pulls away from her kiss.

“Are you sure?”

“Like I said last night, I don’t care anymore right now, I need you Dean. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, you sure?”

“So sure, you are it.”

He smiles proudly, kissing her again as he slowly brought himself into her.

She moaned against his lips as he got himself completely seated within her.

“You good?”

“So good.” She says, grinding her hips, urging him to move.

He begins a steady rhythm, not too hard or rough. Just making her feel good, good enough to forget all that has happened int heir life.

His hands braced against he passenger, the window down giving him a good grip as he drove into her.

“Fuck, faster Dean.” She begs.

His hips begin speeding up in intensity, drawing them closer to their end.

“Fuck sweetheart, you feel so amazing.”

“You too baby,” she pants.

A familiar heated coil builds up in intensity in her belly with every pounding he gave her. He began to speed up, he was close as well.

“Fuck Dean, close…”

“Go for it baby.” He pants.

Her walls clamp hard around him, spurring him into his end as she could feel a rope of thick, sticky come spill out of him. As he came with a guttural groan, her name falling off his lips.

His hips spudder against her as he kept coming, throwing her in a second orgasm, her legs shaking around him as she wrapped them around his waist. His name fall off her lips in a small scream as she came.

His hips thrust slowly to a stop as they came down from their highs, his lips finding hers once again.

“You okay sweetheart?”

“Much better, now that I have you.”

He smiles proudly again before kissing her again. His hips coming to life again.

“You got the stamina of a teenager, you know that.”

“You’re worth making love to for hours baby, you up for round two?”

“Give it to me baby.”

She can’t help but think of all that’s happened in the course of twenty four to forty eight hours.

She left her boyfriend who never truly loved her, returned home to start fresh.

Thankful she found her first love still waiting for her, ready to give her all the love he was about to give her.

As he drove down the long stretch of road back into town, she sat close to his side with his arm around her. Feeling his warmth radiating off of him. She snuggles close to him. Feeling him give her an assuring squeeze as he drove back to her house.

She was ready for what life was about to throw her way with her knight in shining armor for who she knows she can trust with all her heart, and who she knows really loves her.

A/N: What’d you think? Let me know, feedback is always appreciated. :3

Dean Girls:

@pandazombie69, @luci-in-trenchcoats, @supernatural-jackles, @becs-bunker, @jayankles, @mlovesstories, @winchesters-favorite-girl, @flamencodiva, @akshi8278, @megzdoodle, @misfit0118, @anotherspnfanfic, @shawnie74, @lyarr24, @missmemoire09, @racetrackheart, @spnbaby-67

Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 4/18/2021

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sadselfhelp · 3 years

Text

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks.

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me.

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing.

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble.

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one.

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me.

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

#trigger warnings #mental health #anxiety #borderline personality disorder #adhd #domestic abuse #child abuse #self harm #violence #just all the trigger warnings

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lovesunflowerdreamthings · 4 years

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Random musings: Could Kirisaki Shidou be an "Angel of Mercy"?

Fair warning I wrote this in a sleep-deprived state. And I am really grasping at straws here.

This theory is founded on three main arguments:

1.) Appearance (gloves, prisoner uniform resembles a lab coat)

2.) Personality (calm and serene prisoner, good with children, it's almost impossible to see him perturbed.)

3.) Teaser quotes ("Throw down. / The invitation that I can't take back/ Lying / replacing with hope.")

What is an Angel of Mercy?

"An angel of death or angel of mercy is a type of criminal offender (often a type of serial killer) who is usually employed as a caregiver and intentionally harms or kills people under their care. The angel of mercy is often in a position of power and may decide the victim would be better off if they no longer suffered from whatever severe illness is plaguing them. This person then uses their knowledge to kill the victim. In some cases, as time goes on, this behavior escalates to encompass the healthy and the easily treated."

- Wikipedia

1.) Appearance:

I find it interesting that Shido is the only prisoner whose prisoner uniform resembles a white lab coat, which is usually worn by professionals in the medical field. It is also interesting to note that he is wearing gloves, which again, is also part of a physicians to-go attire.

I think we can safely assume that Shido works in the medical field based on that description, but wait there's more to it.

It should be mentioned that gloves serve a symbolic meaning as well. In school, we were taught that gloves can be a symbol for dishonesty. Naturally I wanted to check this and came across this definition:

"Often, gloves merely symbolize the Hand itself; usually, however, they signify high status, clean hands, white gloves as cleanliness and purity. They also conceal; they highlight the gestures of the Hand. Gloves embody power and protection, as well as nobility. However, gloves can also be mysterious, often worn by thieves, witches and night-riders. Honor is represented when the right glove is removed."

"signify high status" Okay, if Shido worked in the medical sector, and he was a highly respected member of the society and also well-paid, then he was probably either 1. ) a doctor, 2. ) a surgeon or 3. ) a scientist/researcher. I think we could discard the last one, cause researchers have only limited contact to patients, certainly no contact with children. "Gloves embody power and protection" I think this goes hand in hand with "high status". Thanks to his high status as a famous (?) doctor Shido likely avoided any suspicion and it prevented him from getting caught.

(Random question: Did Shido turn himself in? Or did he get discovered because the bodies were piling up?)

"often worn by thieves, witches and night-riders." AKA criminals.

"Honor is represented when the right glove is removed." There is a picture where Shido puts on his left glove. Is this a subversion? Meaning Dishonor instead of Honor because he put his left glove on instead of removing his right glove (basically doing the opposite?). Who knows. I searched for "left glove symbolism" and got no results. I'm probably grasping at straws with this one.

"white gloves as cleanliness and purity" THIS. Shidou's gloves are not white, although you would expect that from someone working in the medical field. On the contrary, his gloves are black. I know this might just be an artistic choice but since Milgram is known for being obsessed with putting clues into details, I can't help but find this relevant.

Now, what do black gloves mean? They are often worn at funerals = association with death.

"Black gloves suggest bad intentions while handling a situation, evil methods of carefulness to avoid being caught doing something dishonest, criminal-minded self-protection."

I think this fits perfectly.

Shido used to be a doctor who killed his patients. His mild-mannered personality paired with his carefulness and on top of that his highly respected rank, gave him the opportunity to kill multiple people while avoid getting caught.

He's wearing dark gloves to symbolize his corruptness. His hands are quite literally tainted by his sins.

So, yes he's very likely a serial killer.

There's also a quote from Mai & Sunny's blog which further cements this fact:

“I stole someone’s life… Not to mention, so many times to the point where I’ve already stopped counting” - Shido

Hypothetically, in which part of the hospital can one murder patients without arousing suspicion? Answer: Where terminally ill people seek out treatment. Nobody is going to be surprised that they die since sooner or later, they were meant to die anyway.

Alternatively: he did (illegal?) abortions. But that explanation is boring, so I ain't gonna do that.

2.) What do we know about Shido's personality?

We know that he is a calm and serene prisoner. it's almost impossible to see him perturbed. Being able to stay calm and emotionally detached are traits that are required in the medical field. If you want to work in a hospital you need to be stress-resistant and emotionally closed off. Because people you get friendly with can die, and they will die. The fact that Shido manages to keep a cool head after he woke up as a prisoner in the MILGRAM program, proves that he must be quite desensitized to hopeless situations.

If he knows how to comfort the prisoners who lost or killed a loved one, then I'm guessing he must have worked somewhere where people usually die and he has to comfort those who are left behind. So this was likely routine for him.

What else do we know? We know that Shido is good at working with children, but he is also treating those younger than him as children and comforts them when they are distressed. ( Shido is almost 30. In other words he treats Mikoto (23), Yuno (18) ,Futa (20), (basically adults)) like kids. Either he used to work with kids a little too much or he reeeaally likes to play the role of the caretaker.

(I kind of like the thought that Shido worked with terminally ill children (cancer patients?) and losing them slowly took a toll on him, to the point where he experimented on them to find a new cure or he straight up killed them, thinking it was for their own sake.)

3.) Teaser quotes

I think Shido genuinely wanted to help the patients and thought he was doing the right thing. His lyrics "Lying, replacing with hope" indicate that he was concerned about his victims psychological well-being. Perhaps he was telling them white lies: that they would get healthy if they did this or that, or he told them that dying now would be a better option than wasting slowly and painfully away.

Speculation: Could he have come to enjoy the savior role so much that he developed Munchausen syndrome by proxy and declared patients as hopeless cases, even though he could have saved them if he wanted? The Worst case scenario: he became delusional and manipulated his patients results.

Best case scenario: "The invitation that I can't take back" though, makes it sound like the murder might have been Consensual homicide. Maybe Shido went up to the patients and made them an offer they couldn't refuse? And they agreed?

This could certainly tip the scale in his favor. I think Shido has a good chance at being voted innocent. He is the only prisoner begging for the death penalty. I think people who'd hate him for his crime might vote him innocent, because they wouldn't want to give him what he was asking for.

That is to say if my theory is correct.

#shido kirisaki #throw down #milgram #angel of mercy! shido theory #I'm probably wrong but I have a soft spot for this theory

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bluepenguinstories · 4 years

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Remoras Full Chapter XII: Fever Ray

Hmm...where was I? When I opened up my eyes, I noticed I was laying down in a bed, but not my bed. A Talking Heads song started to play in my mind, but I couldn’t remember which one.

I leaned up and saw a tube attached to me, and next to me, IV bags.

Did I get my organs stolen again? I couldn’t help but wonder. Sure, it had been a while since such a thing happened, but there could’ve been some debt I needed to pay off that I forgot about.

That notion was swept away as fast as it had been drawn up. Someone entered through the door in a pair of scrubs and that was when I realized that I was in a hospital room.

Damn, my mind must be such a fog right now, considering it took me THAT long to figure it out.

“Hello again, Ray,” the doctor (or head nurse. Or surgeon. Or could have been an intern. I was still trying to sort my mind and I felt like I was ready to pass out again) greeted with a familiar, icy voice. But no, it wasn’t Remora.

“Hi Shirley,” I opened my mouth to speak. It was more like a creak, a croak, or even a groan. Tired, weak, and a hint of hoarse. If I could bring myself to joke, I would have said that I swallowed hoarse-radish.

“I told you: I’m Dr. Cole-Slaw. We’re not close enough that I’ll allow you to refer to me by my first name.”

Ah, Dr. Cole-Slaw. The doctor formerly known as Shirley Cole. But coleslaw was good, too. Especially with the right ingredients.

I managed a smile. It felt forced, even if the intent was genuine.

“But that can change, right?”

“Perhaps, but when you’re my patient, you will refer to me as ‘doctor’. Understand?”

Such charm. It was good to know she took her job seriously. That’s why she was my preferred doctor. But the question still remained as to why I was there. So of course she would tell me before I even had a chance to ask.

“I presume you know why you’re here, yes?”

There it was. I opened my mouth, but she spoke up again before I could reply.

“Your wife found you all stiff and purple, and then you fainted. Fade to black. End scene. Understand now?”

Oh. There it was. The arm thing. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t even move my head, but she must have seen in my eyes that I understood the situation.

“We spoke about this a few months early when you asked for a check up. Even though it must have been an issue far longer, you just let it go untreated.”

She moved about the room in less of a pace and more of a march. Eyes focused on me the whole time.

“First, your hand got shot. Hole right through the middle of your palm. Hurt like hell, I presume. Fine enough so far. Except you did not clean it.”

“I went right to the diner and took care of other business,” I recalled.

“While still bleeding? I hope not. Think of the poor floor. Good lord. Such indecency. Don’t you have a first aid kit in your establishment? I would think so, given the business you tend to deal in.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I dismissed. We already went through that very conversation when I asked her to check out my hand. At this point, it sounded more like she wanted to rub salt in my wound. My untreated, festering wound.

“I wasn’t finished,” she dismissed my dismissal. Of course. I should have known better than to talk back to a doctor. She took a second, as if to make sure I wouldn’t interrupt her. “Then, you went on for months pretending as if you were fine. Your wound on the outside healed, yes, but you already exposed them to the elements. Your hand became paralyzed, and you tried to hide such a fact. Honestly, I was surprised it didn’t happen right after you got shot, but, delayed reaction. It happens. Moving on.”

I didn’t even notice until she turned a page on her clipboard that she had been holding one.

“So here we are: your entire arm has been infected. Not only are you not able to use it, but if left untreated, it will spread.”

Maybe I had been in the vicinity of carelessness. Things happened. It was an easy mistake to make. But now that I was there, I could get antibiotics and it would all be fine. So it was fine. No need to worry.

“Hey,” she showed some grit in her voice. “Look at me.”

Well, how could I say no? I turned my head, and she stared down at me, and for a moment, I thought it was in contempt, but I had a slight gut feeling that underneath her face mask (which was endearing), deep down, she was getting a kick out of this.

“If you’re thinking of telling me that it was all an ‘oopsies’ and you were just careless, don’t. Out of all of your faults, being careless is not one of them. You are nothing if not meticulous. So refrain from that bullshit.”

That was one of my favorite things about being her patient; the lack of bedside manner really made me feel like it was less a talk between doctor and patient and more of a talk between friends.

“In any case, it’s none of my business if you want to die, but rather than construct an elaborate ruse around your loved ones, you could have talked to a therapist. I know a really good one. I’ve got his business card in my pocket right now, if you’re interested.”

“Pass,” I told her, with less of a passion than I wish I had. It was the tiredness the IV gave me. I felt the lights would soon fade, anyway.

“Very well. In any case, before you decide to check out of this existence, I think you ought to know that your condition is treatable, albeit you may want to consider the treatment before accepting as it will involve amputating your arm.”

That serious, huh? What was this, the 19th century?

“I see,” I managed to form the words. “Is Sunny around?”

“Yes. In the lobby.”

“I’d like to speak with her…” but I started to yawn and drift off.

When I awoke, I was still in the hospital bed. Which was good. That meant I hadn’t been kidnapped by a gang wanting secrets out of me. Of course, I didn’t even know if I had any secrets left to tell. Not even the secret about my arm now that Sunny knew.

To make matters worse about how out in the open I now was, I turned my head to the left and was shocked to see Sunny seated right next to me. Her hands were on my one uninfected hand. I did my best to muster a laugh.

“Careful. You should really put gloves on.”

To my surprise, she didn’t look all that angry for keeping something so serious from her. Well, the seriousness of it was up for debate. It wasn’t like I had cancer. No broken bones. No coma, either. Worst case scenario, I’d die due to a lack of action. Best case scenario, I’d go out on a limb.

“Hey hun,” I smiled. I felt a tear run down my face, so I closed my eyes.

“Looks like you managed to slip one past me as well,” she remarked. No hint of anger in her voice, either. I think I would have preferred her angry. It just seemed more appropriate.

“What can I say?” I meant it to sound more cheerful. Like, “what can I say? I’m good at what I do and I do it often.” You know, to be jovial. But instead, it sounded more like I was asking her what it was I should have said. I opened my eyes and saw her look up and around the room.

“I don’t know, but you’re clever, so I’ll let you think of something,” she replied, with a chuckle to boot. Passive-aggression? Genuine playfulness? My mind was too fogged up to tell the difference.

“I think I figured it wasn’t important enough to mention,” I began to tell her. Good. That was a start. “Like it would just resolve itself, y’know?” Hmm. Did I really believe that? Maybe I should have started over.

“Actually, I figured it was a small problem. Yeah. Like, what was one hand, right? You were gone for a while, and when you’d come back, I figured you’d barely notice. I didn’t expect it to spread.”

She gave no reply. Maybe I needed to try something else.

“Or maybe this is just who I am: I’m a curious person. I test things and I like to see what happens next.”

Not that one, either? Well, I was probably on the right track. Just a couple more explanations and I’d be there.

“You know, when I found out last night, my first thought was that it was my fault for being away so long,” she said at last. “But I just figured it would be like usual: we’d both do our things, have fun, and then when I came back, we’d both have fun together. That’s how it’s been in the past, hasn’t it?”

“It can still be like that,” I assured her. “I’m never not having fun. Even now, I can’t help but laugh.”

She let out a forced laugh. “Yeah. Me too.” Then, she let go of my hand. I watched as she got up. “Tell me, what were you thinking?”

I still couldn’t detect any anger. It didn’t even sound like she was upset.

“Ah…” I think it took me a moment to find the means to speak again.

“It wasn’t planned,” I told her at last. “It was the night in which I set out to recruit Remora. When I went to speak with her, I ended up irritating her just enough to the point that she shot right through the palm of my hand.” Oh, all of that was such old news, it didn’t seem worth repeating. But I did so just in case I never told her. “The pain was intense, and indeed, much blood was spilled. I took it all in stride, however. After all, I understood that it was a risk. In spite of her not being very emotional, she can be rather violent to those who piss her off. Or maybe that was the old her.”

I continued after I drew a quick breath. “I figured the handkerchief would suffice to stop the bleeding, and then I’d treat it later. After all, it wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot at.”

“Indeed, but go on…” My sunshine replied. So I did.

“I guess I treated it. Somewhat. The wound closed, there wasn’t a hint of blood. It was kind of a DIY job. In other words, it hurt like hell. Somewhere along the line, I started to notice that I was losing function of my right hand. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. By then, I just figured I may as well let it happen. Later, I had Dr. Cole-Slaw check it out and she confirmed. At the time, suggesting that I take antibiotics. Or that I should have taken them. Oh, it’s such a blur right now.”

“But you didn’t?”

“I didn’t. I figured, ‘why?’ If it was going to get worse, why not just let it happen? I’m someone who deals in high risks and high rewards, and sometimes, the risks and the reward are one and the same. You know how it is, right? Win some, lose some.”

I saw her shake her head.

“We both deal in dangerous things. I’m not upset about that. But if you know you can get your wounds treated, why wouldn’t you? If you don’t, how do you expect to live the life you want to?”

Heh. To that, I couldn’t help but smirk. I didn’t even care whether or not she saw me.

“To be honest,” I replied. “I’ve just never taken life all that seriously.”

After that, I went back to sleep. Blame it on the IV.

Of course. Sunny was still there. Times in the hospital was just like that; asleep, awake. Asleep, awake.

“Still here?” I asked.

“Of course! Can’t get rid of me that easily. Unless you want to lose that bet, too.”

I managed a chuckle. Ah, nostalgia.

“Hey, remember when we first met?” She sprung the question out of the blue. Just like Sunny. We were both such nostalgic people.

“You mean the night we got married? How could I forget?” I retorted.

I wondered how she saw it, and if I saw it the same way.

Ah, but before I got too ahead of myself, that wasn’t the story I told people, now was it? I’d often tell people that Sunny and I were high school sweethearts, a young couple who would spend time on the school bleachers during the sports team’s off-season. That wasn’t quite how we met, though. There were enough details that were true so that the “high school sweethearts” story wasn’t a total lie: for one, we did attend the same high school, and coincidentally, we did tend to sit at the same bleachers during the sports team’s off season.

We just never really noticed each other until way later.

So the version of the story that we told others was sweet enough. An ideal narrative. Maybe because the truth was far more ridiculous.

See, it was at a county fair, or something of the like, when it all happened. I passed by rigged games and carnival rides. Cotton candy, elephant ears, and hot dog stands all paraded as well. Wherever the crowds would migrate to, there was something ready to sucker others out of their money. Which was what brought me there in the first place.

I looked around and thought of all the ways I could make easy money fast; all I had to do was come up with a rigged game with a cheap prize attached and dollar after dollar would drop. Children begging their parents, a romantic partner urging the other to keep going to win them something. I already saw it all around me.

But before I could plan too far ahead with my scheme, I was stopped by the voice of an old woman.

“Heya sonny,” she crooned. It was funny, because she referred to me, and not Sunny. “I’ll read your fortune for a dollar.”

I laughed. I laughed so much that I decided to let myself get swept up in the thieving festivities.

“Very well,” I sneered while pulling out a dollar. “Let’s see what you got.”

She told me to hold out my palm. Great! She really played up the act! Excellent! After she closed her eyes, she took a moment, then said:

“The next person you meet will be the love of your life.”

Oh my! That was too good! Out of all the bold psychic statements, that’s the one she had to go with, huh? Very well, I thought. I’ll take her up on her bet.

I turned around and saw a buxom lass with curly brown hair all tied up in a thick, long pony tail.

“Hey there,” I said to her and pointed to the psychic’s booth. “Nice to meet ya, I’m Ray. I know we just met and all, but wanna prove this psychic right and get married?”

That was it. The moment that should have sealed the deal and proven that psychics were just as fake as all the other attractions.

She laughed. Like, a real chortle. Just a full-on hoot right there. Then, she put her hand on my shoulder, smiled a daring smile, and said, “that sounds stupid! I’m in!”

With that, the two of us left the fair and went down to the courthouse to fill out a marriage certificate. It only cost us, like, what? Fifty bucks? Afterward, since the day was still young, we opted to sit out on the grassy fields of a park.

“So, husband and wife, huh?” She turned to me and laughed.

I can’t believe that actually came true, I must’ve thought. Then again, it’s all in the wording. She never said anything about getting married. Just ‘love of your life’. We’ll see how this goes.

“It would appear so,” I nodded along. Then, I got a call from my best friend/roommate, Lucky.

“Hey bro, we still up for sucking each other off tonight?” He asked in that shameless manner that I loved about him. Too bad I had to be the bearer of bad news.

“Sorry, I’m married now,” I broke it to him in a nonchalant manner.

“Whoa. Dude. Since when?”

“Just now. We decided to prank a fortune teller.”

“Well grats, bro! Wish I was invited to the wedding.”

“Yeah, well, we didn’t have one.”

“All right, well, just to let ya know, I still expect cuddles tonight.”

“Of course. Talk to you later.”

I hung up the call and put the phone back into my pocket. Sunny must’ve heard the whole thing.

“Should we have had a wedding?” She asked, then changed her mind. “Ah, but then my family would want to be invited, and then they’d hate that I married a scoundrel. My mom and sister alike would’ve probably taken me aside and say, ‘you should’ve married someone nice and have kids’, which, y’know. Totally boring.”

I gave it a good thought and took zero offense to any of that. I knew who I was, and I was good at who I was.

“I get that. I got no problem with kids, myself. I used to launder money at a daycare. If I recall, I had a drug dealing business at the time. Don’t remember which drug, though.”

“Far out! The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done is explore abandoned buildings. Sometimes I find cool things people left behind and it makes for nice keepsakes!”

“You don’t say,” I made a note of what she said. “Well, I wouldn’t call what I do ‘adventurous’. It’s all about knowing the right people and avoiding the wrong ones.”

“Oh yeah? Then what would you call yourself?”

I shrugged. “I’d say I’m the wrong person who acts like the right person.”

I noticed Sunny pull something out from the corner of my eye. While my instinct wanted to say “gun”, I favored my odds that it wasn’t.

“Do you smoke?” She asked. That’s when I noticed that she held a joint between her fingers.

“Not really, but I keep a lighter around just in case,” I replied.

I lit her joint, and she took her first hit, which conjured up a mighty cough. She passed the joint to me and I got the clever idea to make a bet of it.

“Betcha I can take a hit without coughing.”

“You’re on,” she challenged my bluff.

Alas, it had been my first time, and although I would end up getting high many more times in the future, luck was not on my side. Within seconds of inhalation, my lungs waged a war against me and it took me a good bit to settle down.

“Oh yeah. Forgot to mention. This is the dank shit right here.”

We laughed along as we got to know each other more while waiting for the high to set in.

“So, like, get this...I’m like, pretty sure my sister’s into chicks, but she’s too preoccupied with the notion of being a caretaker or something like that. Like, she talks wanting a family ‘n shit, but it’s, like, so obvious.”

“Who’s to say you can’t have both?” I suggested.

“Oh yeah, totally. That’s me. I’m into chicks, but I also, like, guys are cool, too, and either way, it’s a win for me. Y’know?”

“Yeah, I get that. You did hear what I said to my bro on the phone, yeah?”

“It’s like they say, man! Boys will be boys! That’s what dudes do, right? Dudes…”

I had the faintest suspicion she was more high than I was. Maybe I just had a stronger tolerance. Case in point, while she was divulging her family’s details, I was busy thinking about business. So of course, a business idea popped into my head.

“So, like, get this: what if someone opened up a diner, yeah? But get this, it was, like, in the most remote part of the arctic.”

“That’d be dope! What would it be called?”

It could be called something like ‘Dope Diner’ or ‘Sunny Ray Diner’, but none of those had the right ring to them. “Do restaurants even need names?” I asked, aloud, although I was sure my thoughts were somewhere nearby.

“Whoa…” That’s when I knew I got her. “That’s such a good point! Like, you may have just cracked the universe! Lemme write that down!” She got out a notepad and a pen and wrote down ‘restaurants don’t need names’.

“So that’s the best part, right? It wouldn’t have a name! It would look just like any ol’ building, and you’d have to go inside to find out it was a diner!”

“You’re like, such a genius! This has gotta be fate, man! Total universe in sync!”

I couldn’t just keep that idea an idea anymore. It was too good.

“If we’re gonna do this, we should figure out where we’d put it, yeah?” I proposed.

“I’m kinda partial to Alaska, myself,” Sunny suggested.

“Nah, not remote enough. Gotta be somewhere like Siberia. Maybe Greenland. But the less green parts.”

“But green’s the best part!” Sunny started to cry.

“All right, all right. Settle down. Maybe some green.”

I started to cry as well. “I mean, who could imagine a world without green?”

We looked at each other, the backs of our heads covered in dirt, then, we both closed our eyes and smiled.

“I think the high’s wearing down…” I told her.

“Yeah, same here,” she agreed.

My legs felt like they were folding into each other.

“Are you also turning into a mermaid?” I asked in earnest.

“It’s all a part of the process.”

Somehow, as if there weren’t enough improbable things that day, we managed to stay out all night, asleep in the grass. When we woke up, it was early morning and we were ready to say our goodbyes with groggy voices. The same grogginess that carried into present day with me in the hospital.

“See ya around,” I waved to her.

“Oh, uh,” she got out her notebook and pen. She looked about as dizzy as I felt. Guess it couldn’t be helped.

After she wrote down her address, she tore the sheet of paper and handed it to me. “I figure since we’re married now, you ought to know where to find me.”

I nodded. “Good point. Shit. I forgot about that.”

“Oh really?” Her lips curled upward into a sly grin. “How about this, then? I bet you a dollar we’ll be divorced by tomorrow.”

Ah, we had just met and she knew me so well.

“You’re on. But just to up the ante, I bet you two dollars we’ll last two days.”

After a while of upping the ante, it somehow came to the agreement that whoever broke up with the other would have to forfeit money proportional to the amount of days we lasted. So it went, and somehow, we’ve kept it going for well over twenty-five years. Which was to say, the betting pool sure was huge.

So that was how the two of us met. More or less. I may have still embellished a few details. Give or take a few anachronistic details.

“Oh, and remember how we didn’t have our first date until a month into our marriage?” She continued to reminisce.

“Mm-hmm,” and again, how could I forget?

“It was one of those five star restaurants that only celebrities and people with reservations could get into, but you got in, and not only that, we didn’t have to pay for our meal. I remember asking you how it was possible, and you said, and I quote, ‘the manager owes me a favor’.”

I smiled, even through a sigh. “If anything, I’d say the way we met just proves how ridiculous life is.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “But I’d say that’s what makes it worth it.”

“Mm…” I gave it some thought. “Still, if I were to die, I’d say I’ve lived a good, long life.”

“Oh, quit it, you rascal,” she patted me over the back, though with her strength, it felt more like a slap. “You’re not that old! We’re both only 46!”

“I think...you’re right. Oh, you aren’t called Sunny for no reason.”

She snapped her fingers. “Besides, how will I know what schemes you’ll come up with next if you’re dead? The suspense would kill me!”

“Actually,” I thought it over. “I prefer living with no regrets, and, well...if I’m going to keep going, I’d like to be able to talk to my daughter again.”

“Oh...uh...right. Our daughter,” I noticed Sunny look away and out the window. “Man, I really wish we could be doing some heist stuff right now. Parenting was never my strong suit.”

“Nor was it mine,” I told her. “But even still, I care about her, and I wish we’d talk to her.”

“But what would we say? And hasn’t it been, like, what? Six years or something? We’re probably way late on that, and she probably hates us for not saying anything for so long. I don’t think there’s anything we could say to fix that.”

“She has that right. I just want to take a gamble on trying, all the same.”

“Very well. Are you sure you can hold your phone in your current state, though?” She asked, and I found myself drifting off to sleep once more with the words spilling from my mouth, “I’m not ambidextrous for no reason.”

When I woke up once more, I checked the clock to see that a few hours had passed. Sunny was no longer in the room, but my phone lay at my lap. Before I could reach over to hold the phone and dial Violette’s number, the door opened up and Dr. Cole-Slaw appeared once more in her signature scrubs.

“So, have you made a decision?” She asked. Right to the point.

“Yeah...I think I’ll go out on a limb, if you know what I mean.”

She groaned. “That’s such a terrible joke, but it’s at least better than you being miserable, so I’ll take it.”

“You’re the best, coleslaw,” I took the time to remind her.

“Repeat after me: D-R. Doctor.”

“Doctor.”

“Good. Now let’s see if you’ll be calling me the best after you wake up and find yourself missing an arm.”

“Oh, before we start the surgery, can I make a phone call?” I remembered what I wanted to do.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t you? It’s going to be a bit before we get everything ready. I don’t think the infection’s gonna spread past your arm in the next couple hours. You should be fine. But if not, yell as loud as you can, and maybe I’ll hear you.”

Ah, how was I so blessed to know such people as Shirley Cole-Slaw and Sunny Reyes/Sunshine? Oh. Right. Sunshine. Rays. I forgot why I had my phone in the first place. I dialed Violette’s number and let it ring.

After a few rings, no answer. Default voicemail message. I decided not to leave a message. But, Violette called back right as I was about to set my phone down.

“Ray, do you even know what time it is?” She sounded mad, like I just woke her up. Maybe I did.

“Not really. Time stopped having any meaning to me ever since I showed up at the hospital,” I replied.

“Oh my god! Are you all right?!”

“Yeah. I’ll live. I’m just getting my arm chopped off. Though I thought about letting it get worse and dying, but, what’ll you do, am I right?”

“That does NOT sound all right! I thought your bodyguard was supposed to protect you!”

Huh? Bodyguard? Did she just assume I had one of those? Though when I thought about it, I had a good idea what was going on.

“Ah, right. My bodyguard. Well, shit happens, y’know? Nobody’s perfect, not even bodyguards.”

“Still, you need to be more careful. Damn near gave me a heart attack, and it’s still early in the morning.”

“Oh yeah. How are you doing? Met anyone new?”

“Really? You called just for that? I thought you’d call over something more important.”

“I did, but who says I can’t check in with you?”

“Ugh. Well, there’s nothing to say. I’m better off staying at home and taking care of Elodie.”

“You haven’t tried at all?”

“Not since I got duped by your bodyguard.”

Right. I was definitely going to have a talk with my “bodyguard” about that.

“Well, keep your chin up.”

“Okay, but is that all you called about?”

“I also wanted to see if I could talk to Elodie for a bit,” I admitted. My heart started to race as the two options, whether I spoke with her or not, both gave me equal measure excitement and anxiousness. “Think I could do that?”

“Yes. Er. No. Maybe. I don’t think she’d like that.” Sunny was right. So it seemed. Even still, I But maybe...er...I could try. Hold on.”

I heard her get up and open Elodie’s door. Though she held her hand in front of the phone, I could still hear her say, “hey Elodie, it’s your dad. Wanna talk to him?”

I couldn’t make out what Elodie said, but I was ready to accept whatever outcome I was given.

“Hello?” Came a hoarse, but still sweet voice. To my surprise, I recognized it as her. Even six years later, I was able to tell what she sounded like.

“Hey...kind of unexpected, huh?” I answered.

“Yeah.”

“To be honest, I wanted to say something for a while, but I could never figure out what, and it felt like whatever I could have said wouldn’t have been good enough to make up for the pain I thought I caused you. But the longer it went, the more I felt like it was too late, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Yeah? So now you decided to try? You didn’t even bother to send me a birthday card.”

I deserved that. I expected it, and she was right to be upset. Angry, even.

“You’re right. I’ll send you one on your next birthday. And I’ll send you six more to make up for the other birthdays I’ve missed.”

“That’s not going to mean anything! You still missed them!”

“Again, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“...Still, even just like this. I guess it’s better than nothing,” she grumbled. “So thanks.”

“If you want, I can call more often. I want to say I’d visit you in the future, too, but we’ll see. One day, it would be nice if you could visit up here as well, but it hasn’t been very safe lately…”

“Maybe. But I don’t know.”

“Well, even like this. It’s a start.”

“Yeah,” she may have said to agree, or just to get me off her back.

“I’m going to go to sleep now, but take care, dear.”

“Bye.”

I ended the call, then allowed myself to drift off once more.

When I came to, I noticed bandages on my right side.

“Well, looks like it was a job well done.”

Right on cue, Dr. Shir...Cole-Slaw came in.

“Everything came back good, infection’s gone. Still, there could have been complications from all sorts of things along the way…” She trailed off, to allow herself the element of suspense.

“...But there wasn’t. You’re all good,” she finished. “Oh. But I’d stay here for the next few days, if I were you. To put it lightly, you’re gonna be in ‘hella’ pain.”

“Gotcha.” It would be fine, then. I’d just appoint Tigershark as temporary manager of the restaurant. No biggie. As soon as Sunny showed up again to check on me, I intended to tell her just that.

“Oh yeah, and might I recommend physical therapy? Considering you may be a little off balance?”

“Sure thing.” I tilted my head up. That anesthesia must’ve been some good stuff. I didn’t even remember being pulled into the surgical room.

Maybe I could think of the hospital like a little vacation resort. Or a hotel. One where the food was subpar, but I was sure I’d adjust. Now, for the other matter…

As soon as Dr. Cole-Slaw left, I noticed another presence in the corner of the room. I closed my eyes.

“You already saw me, no use pretending you didn’t,” she spoke up. Ah, all right. Fine. I leaned up and opened my eyes back up. Remora sat there with one leg over the other and with a face of total disinterest.

“How long have you been here?” I asked.

I noticed her examine her nails as she sat.

“Hm? Oh. Not too long ago. The doc let me in. All I had to say was that I was a close, personal, family friend.”

“And she bought it?” I managed a chuckle.

“No. But a little bit of cash goes a long way.”

“So you bribed her?”

“No.”

“Then how’d you get in?” I asked, but then decided it wasn’t important. I guess a little like me, she’d continue to come up with a different reason, none of which being the truth. But if I had to wager, the first one was probably closest to the truth. “Oh, never mind that.”

“Good to see you’ve recovered,” she observed. “Though you should be more honest. I can’t believe you never told Sunny.”

“I could say the same about you,” I recalled what Violette had told me.

“I’m honest most of the time, unless the situation calls for it,” I could already tell she didn’t like where I was going.

“I already know you went over to see my sister-in-law.”

Remora looked stunned. As if “how? I thought I covered all my tracks.”

“I did it to get information on you,” she growled.

“Oh, Remora, Remora...you could have asked me anything. I had nothing to hide. Even if you felt the need to dig up dirt, couldn’t you have done it without hurting someone who had nothing to do with me?”

“For the record,” oh yeah. On the defense now. “It proved fruitless. The only thing she could tell me is that she thought you had a savior complex.”

Now that was a hoot. A whole riot. I began to wheeze.

“Oh? Do I go around telling Mr. Highwayman to stop robbing people?” “I know, right? I thought it was ridiculous, too!”

I shook my head and smiled. “But that’s beside the point. Do you really think she deserved that? She’s a good woman. A little naive, yes, but many people are. At least from my experience.”

“It feels weird being the one to be lectured. Especially coming from you.”

“Everyone’s got issues.”

“Yes. I’m aware. But I’m honest.”

“Mainly when it comes to criticizing others. But really? Bodyguard?”

“It’s not like I’d just tell her ‘yeah, I shot your brother-in-law, and now I’m digging up dirt on him’.

“Ha. I guess not. Even still, you don’t think that was a bit hurtful?”

“Yeah, but –”

“I know you don’t like when others are dishonest with you. Or when others are dishonest with anyone else, for that matter. So why doesn’t the same apply to you?”

“You’re right. I’ll think about it.”

“Other than that, kill whoever you want if you feel that’s what you need to do,” I gave it some thought. I wasn’t going to totally discourage her from her ways, but the complete opposite end also sounded a bit much. “Within reason. I added. No violence in the diner. People are there for a good time and a good meal.”

“I don’t know why you feel like telling me that. But yeah. Okay. Sure. Anything else?”

“Just the golden rule, don’t be a hypocrite. All that.”

“Hmm...about that…yes, but no. I’m going to have to take a raincheck.”

“Oh darn. Here I thought I reached you.”

“I’m going to need to hurt some people. Lie to those same people. It may not make them feel good, and it may not be how I would want to be treated, but that’s beside the point.”

“Why is that?”

“You’ve noticed, haven’t you? The lack of customers in your diner. The sudden blizzards. Mysterious fogs that appear. Creatures being where they shouldn’t. Even stranger creatures appearing, existing, attacking people, killing and laying waste, then disappearing into the night.”

“Oh yeah. Forgot about all that. Well, I’m investigating it. There just hasn’t been any more leads.”

“That’s why. They’re all linked. That I’m sure. I need to figure out why so I can put it all to rest. For that, I need to partake in a bit of trickery. I need you alive. And...I need you to have two functional arms.”

“A little late for that one, missy,” I joked.

“Get a prosthetic one. I’ll wait as long as I need to for you to recover.”

“Aw, I didn’t know you cared.”

“I don’t,” she shot back. “But I have a plan.”

“Care to tell me?” I tested to see if she would at least budge an inch.

“I’ll tell you as much as I need to. You may tell Sunny if you’d like. It would probably be better if you did than you didn’t.”

“I’m all ears,” and maybe it was the anesthesia, maybe it was a ghost memory of some really dank grass, but I really did feel like I was all ears and nothing else.

After she told me, excitement grew, and I couldn’t help but wish for the speediest of recoveries.

#remoras full #writing #stories #ray #sunshine #weed #fever ray #drama #hospital visit

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philosophicalparadox · 5 years

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The Twins and Paternity

Ok, this is going to be a LONG post, because there is just SO MUCH to debunk about this whole “the twins have different fathers” thing.

Because it may not be as true as you think. In fact, it’s more likely given what we know that they really are identical twins.

Huh? But they look different!

Aaaaaand that is why this post is so long: that’s right folks, buckle up and let’s take a field trip down the road called Epigenetics and Gene expression. (in other words, this is going to get really sciencey)

TLDR: Twins can be identical genetically, but have different phenotypes and even completely different body structure due to gene mutation that occurs during gestation. This gene mutation modifies how genes are expressed, but does NOT modify the genes themselves. The fact that the twins are BOTH half demons, well...we’re going to get into some rather strange examples I have from personal experience about animal hybridization and gene expression, simplified as much as I dare. Also, prepare for wikipedia references, because they may not be superb but they offer a good summary of everything I looked up, via Wiki’s citation page. (Yep, I went there.) You’re welcome.

More below the cut:

First, let’s look at what we know:

The twins are Monoamniotic, meaning that they share the same amniotic sac in utero. This is something ONLY achievable in identical twins.

With me? Good, because here’s where that get’s messy:

Monoamniotism and Size/parasitism

Monoamniotic twins are also monochorionic, meaning that they share a placenta. This, unfortunately, can lead to embryonic parasitism, since the twins in a monoamniotic/monochorionic relationship (called, affectionately, “MoMo twins”) share blood between not just the mother and each of them, but between one another also. As a result, it is not uncommon in “MoMo” twins for one twin to be larger or stronger than the other.

Also, blood is not sometimes distributed evenly over a placenta, especially in the case of MoMo twins, which have a very large placenta to share between the two. Consequently, it is not unusual for one twin to be short of an adequate blood supply, and therefore become thinner and smaller. While it’s rare, sometimes one twin may die in utero for this reason.

I say this as a matter of interpretation, not fact, but it appears to me that MoMo twins seem to be one step shy of conjoined, since they share everything from blood and nutrients to hormones, not only with mom, but with one another also.

The Process

The diagram above shows at what stage during the development of a (single) foetus it can split into twins, and the results thereof.

Most people have an erroneous assumption that identical twins are always produced during the initial phases of gestation, when the egg is first dividing. (Morula stage). However, this is not remotely true of all identical twins, which is why you get things like the Conjoined twins above, which do not split into separate organisms until the, putting it in layman’s terms, “DNA blueprint” of their entire basic structure is already determined. (Basically, as the Embryonic Disc stage, every cell is primed to divide in a specific way, to become a specific, basic thing -- heart, spine, brain, etc. Before this stage, however, there are still “gaps” in the blueprint -- All of the chromosomes and genes are there, but they haven’t quite “ordered” the cells to become those fundamental things like organs yet. Now, as the foetus grows, more cells will be “directed” by the DNA they contain to serve a function, but at the Embryonic Disk stage, most of the vital organs “blueprints” are complete.)

DNA replication and Mutation:

Recap, because for some people, high school was a long time ago.

DNA divides using RNA as a transcriptor, in order to “copy” the DNA -- the RNA can modify the DNA depending on what it’s specific structure is and how it transcribes the DNA during replication. This is how viruses do their business, by transcribing thier RNA into your DNA, and changing what a cell does or how well it functions by screwing up the DNA pattern. (which is why there really IS no limit on what a virus can do or what symptoms it can cause.)

However, errors do happen in transcription naturally, which is also how things like cancer form. When the RNA fails to “copy” the DNA correctly, it can mess with the senescence of the cell, causing it to divide indefinitely. On a less severe note, this is also how gene expression can be modified, even in identical individuals. Once RNA mis-transcribes something, future cells containing the ‘error’ are produced, and produced, and produced unless another RNA ‘failing’ changes the gene expression again.

Gene expression in twins:

Because identical twins have identical Chromosomes, they usually have identical gene expression, which is basically how a visible a gene is. Now, they don’t ever have 100% identical DNA, due to those naturally occurring transcription errors, but their chromosomes are identical, and so are most of their genes.

That means, however, that both twins also share not only every dominant trait, but every codominant and recessive trait. And, due to DNA replication errors, identical twins DO sometimes come out looking nothing at all alike, exactly because sometimes, rather than a cell’s DNA replicating to produce the “dominant” trait, it will instead transcribe for the recessive, and continue to do this until the gene becomes expressed as recessive.

It is not clear, by my findings, if MoMo twins are more or less suceptible to this, so I can not answer from that angle.

Gene expression and interspecies hybridization:

Ok, trip down memory lane time for me -- I used to work for a snake breeder, who knew a snake breeder, that knew a snake breeder...

Ahem, anyway, did you know that most “corn snakes” in the pet trade aren’t “corn snakes” at all? They’re almost always hybrids of the Texas Rat snake, Fox snake, Milk snake, or other Colubrid species. I once owned one that was Corn x Fox x Gopher snake -- he is currently a whopping Seven feet long, and has a very impressive girth.

However, when I purchased him, he looked just like a normal corn snake. He had a bit of a different patten, and had very vibrant oranges and yellows and reds, with some seriously high contrast -- he was gorgeous.

I met his parents at the store I got him from -- Mom was HUGE. I’m talking six feet at least, and with a “fire and ice” colour mutation. She was pretty, but damn was she big. I assumed it was just a fluke, and bought the boy anyway.

I called her, the breeder, later on, when he got to be five feet long and had a seriously bad attitude, puffing up and hissing at just about anything. I wanted to know if it was a genetic thing, or a husbandry thing.

She kindly told me he was F3 (third gen) Gopher hybrid, and that gopher snakes tended to be more defensive, claiming that he had “inherited those genes from mom”.

Point of my story is : He looked just like a corn snake.

But he was not, nor is any “corn snake” you find in the pet trade anymore, unless it is wild caught.

using the same example, let’s talk about “high show” and “low show”:

My corn snake was “High show” for typical corn-snake traits; orange body colour, markings (mostly - he had some barring that wasn’t typical, but that is owed to the barring in gopher snakes being dominant, I think.) and slender, active body.

Now, that doesn’t make much of a case for twins - but it does offer insight into hybrids not necessarily looking hybrid-ey.

Demon Genes and Human Genes -- where to draw the line?

The following is fan speculation, not anything confirmed in canon:

Eminescu says, sometime in the middle chapters somewhere, that demon genes and human genes can combine in “interesting ways”.

The question here becomes -- why did Rin get the “demon genes” and not Yukio?

By sheer fluking chance, I wager.

From what I can conjecture about, it appears that, at it’s most basic tennet, demon “parasites” being introduced into human hosts causes a kind of genetic splicing, but with the addition of “turning on” genes that, in humans, have been dormant for millions of years.

Demons who inhabit (at least human) bodies produce atavisms, or throwbacks to ancestral traits. Tails, long canines, thickened fingernails, etc. are all traits humans once had, before they were homo sapiens. Long before.

It could just be a splice thing, (which I will come back to in another post) whereupon the demon’s genes influence the addition of the tail and whatnot, but I’m of the mind that thier genes couldn’t splice effectively unless there was a genetic weakness to exploit -- the existence, perhaps, of dormant atavistic traits. Which could be why so few of the “host bodies” for Lucifer and crew could not be used. It takes a certain human, of a certain bloodline, to possess these traits, particularly in abundance.

Now, that leads to some interesting speculations about Yuri, which I shall delve into thusly:

Yuri and Demon genes

It is possible that Yuri is part demon herself, which would logically increase the odds of demon genes being passed on via copulation with a demon. After all, Satan is going to be dominant for some of the same genes, as the all-father, so it would make sense for those genes to come out when they breed.

We don’t see any of those genes in anyone but Rin though. Why? Well, that could be the infintessimally small percentage of a chance that Yukio, while he inherited those same demon genes, simply doesn’t “show” them. He has them, but due to the infinitely complicated rules of hybridization, may not show them through.

Now, a disclaimer: It could be, and is an equally valid point, assuming Katou doesn’t have a biology degree, that they DO have different fathers. However, until we have the answers in canon, it is equally as likely that they don’t. I merely hadn’t seen ANY post claiming the offensive -- that Satan sired them both.

Feel free to reply with opinions, fact checks, etc! Unfortunately, I can not apparently link anything to add credibility (stupid Tumblr and their anti-linking bullcrap I guess - because Wikipedia apparently isn’t a source, and neither are any of it’s sources) and if I’ve misunderstood anything, please inform me! I spent five hours researching this stuff, but one day’s worth of study does not make me an expert!

#blue exorcist #Ao no Exorcist #fan theory #Aaaaahhhhhahahhahahah this took so long #the things I do for fandom!

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haydenmarin · 4 years

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( samuel larsen | cismale | he/him ) ——— well well, if it isn’t hayden marin coming out of apartment 5.1. i always think of the sweet smell of nicotine clinging to worn leather, the vibration of bass through your rib cage, and the bittersweet freedom of giving up when i see them, don’t you? anyway - i heard the twenty five year old moved out to new york seven years ago to go to school and become a baseball player. that must’ve gone nowhere because they now work as a club owner; maybe that’s because they’ve a tendency to be calculating, libertine and sarcastic. i guess they could’ve been someone… — [ pepper | 23 | est | she/her ]

heyo all, i’m pepper, twenty three, she/her pronouns, and i’m always late dfkjdfkj as you can see, like i literally had everything prepared beforehand i don’t know how i’m still late... honestly rip. a bit about me i guess, i am still waiting for fergie to come back from her hiatus (because no song goes as hard as fergalicious, that’s a fact), i still don’t really understand what tiktok is and i’m okay with that, i’m addicted to pinterest and atm i’m really craving some fries. okey doke, now that that’s over with i’m super excited to PROPERLY introduce you to my trash son hayden! here are some stats on him, here is his pinterest board, and here is his playlist! down below is hayden’s bio which is hella long sdkjdskj i’m so sorry i wrote up a short form but i liked his full bio better. if you read absolutely ANY of it i love you okay.

CANCER TW, DEATH TW

BIO ;

Hayden was born and raised in Santa Barbara, California where he happily spent most of his childhood by the beach. He was raised solely by his mother, Rosie Marin, who did her very best to bring him up on her own despite his father’s purposeful lack of involvement. Rosie owned a small local bakery (aptly named Rosie’s) that she and Hayden lived above. Hayden’s childhood was peppered with memories of waking up to the scent of fresh bread, pushing up onto his tiptoes to ice cupcakes, and of course, always being the most popular kid in his classes because his mom brought the best snacks. Hayden and his mother had just nearly enough to get by most of the time, but Hayden grew up very loved and very happy. His mother made sure of that at the very least.

Unfortunately, Rosie was diagnosed with lung cancer when Hayden was just ten years old. She fought hard against the disease for two hard years before she unfortunately passed away when Hayden was twelve. In all honesty, Hayden has never really quite gotten over his mother’s death. At the time his mother was quite literally all he had. He never knew his overly religious grandparents (who disowned Rosie for having a child out of wedlock) and he had no aunts or uncles that he knew of. All he really grew up with was his mother, and watching her die for two years was incredibly hard for him, and after her death he felt that for the first time in his life he was truly alone.

To everyone’s surprise, but especially Hayden’s, after his mother’s death his father got into contact with him through his godmother who Hayden was staying with at the time. Shockingly enough despite his total absence for majority of Hayden’s life, Hayden’s father wanted to take Hayden in. Hayden was very much against it, considering he had never met his father and was reasonably rather upset with him for abandoning both him and his mother. However, Hayden’s godmother thought that living with his father would be best for him, not only considering that it may be Hayden’s last chance to have a relationship with a parent but also because Hayden’s father, Raphael, was very well off. So despite his (very vocal) protests Hayden was then sent to live with his father, which quickly became a very sour arrangement.

It became very clear very quickly that Hayden’s father wanted nothing to do with him. He spoke to Hayden only when necessary, seemed to forget his son was there most of the time, and left on business trips near constantly. Eventually Hayden learnt (through some rather sneaky eavesdropping) that the only reason his father had taken him in in the first place was to please Hayden’s stepmother. Apparently, Cheryl, or ‘Cherry’ as she insisted everyone call her, was practically begging Raphael for a baby, and seeing as Raphael had very little time or desire for having a child he decided that having a twelve year old around was better than an infant. Hayden was hurt to learn the truth about his father’s desire to take him in, and even attempted to run away in a fit of anger. But he was very quickly found by some of his father’s security and brought back to his father’s expansive home before he could get very far, and every attempt following the first resulted in much of the same thing.

Eventually Hayden gave up on running away. His father was rarely home long enough for Hayden to demonstrate how much he loathed him anyways, and within the walls of his father’s home Hayden was at least clothed and fed. He resented his father and longed to run away back to his godmother’s home but unfortunately his father’s home was a long way away from Santa Monica.

So Hayden started to build a life for himself where he was, and that life started with school. Even without being the kid in school who’s mom brought the best snacks, Hayden was still quite popular in school, and for the most part that was due to baseball. Hayden had always played baseball, ever since he was young and his mother used to bring plates full of orange slices to his peewee games (the Marins had always been a baseball family. Screw football or hockey, if it wasn’t on a baseball diamond they didn’t care about it). Hayden also had the good fortune of actually being very talented. So when Hayden tried out for catcher on his high school team he got the position very easily, and was even bumped up to first string to boot. Although some of the upper year students weren’t particularly happy about a freshman making first string, a lot of the colleges were. Hayden’s talent was noticed and sought after from the time he was about halfway through his sophomore year, and his near prodigy level skill was even featured in some local sports magazines and the local newspaper. Despite knowing that the magazines likely wouldn’t have cared about Hayden’s skill if he wasn’t going to one of the most well known private schools in the state, Hayden’s ego still inflated a bit at the recognition.

For a few years that’s all Hayden’s life was. Playing baseball, hanging out and partying with friends, and occasionally having to deal with his father and stepmother when the situation called for it. It wasn’t the best life, and Hayden wasn’t exactly happy but it was all Hayden really had, so he did his best to make do with it. In all honesty at that point the thing that made Hayden happiest was his team. While Hayden’s home life was broken, his team helped him find the community he craved. Playing baseball and being part of a team made Hayden feel that he belonged somewhere, like he was wanted somewhere, and Hayden clung to that sensation gratefully.

But when Hayden was about halfway through his junior year things rapidly went downhill. You have to be a level 10 friend to unlock what happened there because I honestly don’t think Hayden has talked about it since the night it happened, but basically all you need to know is that a series of events happened one night that led to Hayden basically being thrown out of his home that very same night and disowned, full stop.

Hayden’s only saving grace was that his father was too proud to let his son live on the streets. Raphael set Hayden up with his own apartment near his school, and paid for Hayden’s rent and expenses. However, he did so without communicating with Hayden even once, and it was very clear that Hayden had essentially been disowned. When Hayden was eighteen the money stopped, and Hayden moved out of the apartment. Hayden and Raphael haven’t really talked since.

Hayden got into university on a full baseball scholarship, despite all the chaos. He leaned heavily on his chosen family, his baseball team, throughout that difficult interim between being kicked out and graduating, and during that time he threw himself into baseball with such vigor and intensity that he impressed more than a few of the scouts circling around him. He ended up choosing NYU because it was the school that was the farthest away, and although Hayden didn’t want to be far from his hometown and his mother’s grave, he did want a fresh start away from his father and Cherry.

Hayden university experience was unremarkable but very significant to him. In fact, the fact that it was mostly unremarkable is what made it so special to him. For the most part, Hayden was pretty close to completely happy. He became captain of the baseball team his second year, made lifelong friends in his team and his frat, and eventually achieved his ultimate goal, getting recruited onto a professional baseball team in his junior year. Hayden graduated early with a degree in business, proud of his accomplishments, and finally feeling as if he was breaking through a barrier of tragedy through his life. He was finally approaching his happy ending.

But of course it didn’t last. Hayden played for the New York Yankees for almost two years, (and was damn good at it too) before he injured his shoulder in a game. The injury was serious enough that his future in baseball seemed to just sudden became nonexistent. In a moment, a split second really, all of Hayden’s dreams that he had just barely reached suddenly crumbled in his hands. Disappeared into fucking nothing. It was like god had it out for him. Hayden didn’t take it well.

After the doctor’s final diagnosis (a solemn gaze behind wire rimmed glasses, a fucking clipboard that Hayden wasn’t allowed to see, stainless steel, the smell of death, god Hayden fucking hated hospitals), Hayden stayed in New York because even if he wasn’t living out his dream, well he had nowhere else to go. He went on a bit of a bender though. Drinking, partying, drugs, girls, guys – you name it, Hayden indulged in all of his vices in an attempt to find comfort. Some friends he made through the years tried to get into touch with him (and some very notably didn’t) but Hayden never really did much more than go through the motions with any of it. ‘I’m fine’ quickly became an automated response, one he didn’t even have to think about, one he would give whether drunk or high or completely and utterly lost– Because he was. He was fine. Anyone who thought differently could get fucked.

Hayden bought the club on a whim. His time in the league meant he had more than a bit of money saved, and since the place was for sale and Hayden liked to party, he figured it was a no brainer. He’s owned the place for almost three years now, and it’s actually been surprisingly successful. Hayden’s status of ‘former baseball player’ was enough notoriety to get people to show up, and the fact that the place was actually more than decent kept them coming. Hayden treats the club like more of a hobby than an actual business, too busy with his extracurricular activities to have more than a passing interest in it but… it’s fun. And well. It’s not like he has anything else to do.

Hayden also moved into 5.1 on a whim just over three years ago, mostly to make sure there were people around him in case he happened to drop dead one day yk, a precaution. He lived by himself for a while before that while he was in the league and after his injury but honestly Hayden is a big extrovert, he hates being alone, and living by himself in the huge ass loft he used to own just made him feel more lonely. So he responded to the first ‘roommate wanted’ ad he could find and now here he is. He honestly has enough money that he doesn’t need to be there, but he likes the company so he’s sticking around.

PERSONALITY / HEADCANNONS ;

Hayden, is as the kids say… a fuckboi, probably

He is very loyal, like he cares a lot about his own but anyone outside of his circle he’s kind of indifferent to. Like he’s friendly, and almost pleasant but like… he does not really care about them yk, there’s a distinct lack of like sincerity in the way he treats his friends vs randos (or even ‘friends’)

Morally grey to the max

A very good liar, who lies often. Can be very manipulative but he doesn’t have a reason to be lately, so he mostly just manipulates business partners.

LOVES messing with people. It’s like crack to him

Very sarcastic

Will sleep with anyone he’s attracted to tbh. Bisexual, and very comfortable with it by now. Used to be kind of iffy with it when he was playing professionally, but now that he’s got no chance of ever being a pro again and the paps have pretty much left him alone he gives no fucks.

Actually pretty clever, hence the whole actually being able to own a successful business thing.

Might bake for the roommates of 5.1 if they’re nice to him and he’s actually really freaking good at it like he learned from his mom, and honestly baking highkey reminds him of her so he doesn’t do it too often.

Lowkey his dream is to go back to santa barbara and run his mom’s bakery (his dad sold the place but hayden bought it back as soon as he had the money) but since he kind of considers himself a failure and disappointment to his mom at this point his bitch ass doesn’t think he deserves to yet, so he’s staying in new york for a while.

Hates hospitals with a passion. Would rather die than go to one willingly. When Hayden is sick he just voluntarily suffers.

Oh, and Hayden’s club is named Omnia and friends get in for free so feel free to hit him up for a good time.

WANTED CONNECTIONS ;

i would love a bromance for hayden honestly that would be fun

a godsibling! hayden used to be v close to his godmother so this could be fun too

someone who he has a bad influence on? someone who’s a good influence on him?

one night stand! maybe they didn’t even realize they were going to be living in the same apartment complex at first but then they found out and it was like oh shit

fwbs or ewbs

a secret fling could be a fun thing to play out!

a hateship. like they bicker all the time and they really wanna wring each other’s necks, just give me some good old fashion animosity.

someone who frequents his club maybe, perhaps he’s always kicking them out or perhaps they’re always partying together.

maybe an ex that he was dating during his time playing professionally (can be f/m/nb) that Hayden ended things with when he got his injury and moved to New York? Fun drama.

Some friends from college would be cool too if anyone went to NYU.

omg that reminds me i have a headcannon that Hayden dated the first and only person he ever loved in college and they broke his fucking heart so if anyone wants to play that out and dive head first into some angst with me then lemme know.

TAKEN CONNECTIONS ;

dolly = little sister he never wanted / soft spot

kitty = work wife / flirtationship / friend from college

jac = ex fwb / ride or die

art = bad influence / haaaave you met ted?

juliette = good influence / in house nurse

chris = bromance / friend from cali

#h.m. | intro.#dreamed:intro #this took me way too long considering the bio was already written up like?? why am i like this

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xhudgenssistersconfessions · 4 years

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I’m from Italy and I’m gonna share a few things since I’m reading on and hearing things that sometimes are soo wrong or fake about our situation with corona virus.

Mass graves? No. This is not happening. Right now here funerals are banned so this is how it works only close relatives can be at the cemetery for the last benediction and a pray. Sadly if the relatives live in another city they can’t even be there for the funeral so yes, people are passing away alone in hospitals and their families can’t even say goodbye. Right now there are cities in Italy that are facing too many daily deaths, the funeral home are working constantly, but as they’ve said and as some priests confirmed it takes around 30 minutes for every dead, this creates a long queue. But everyone goes in their own place in the cemetery. You can give a look to this video, only 25 seconds that even if it can be hard to watch people should see because it can make you understand how this isn’t ‘just a flu’, from Bergamo where since they didn’t know anymore where to put all the coffins that were waiting to reach the cemetery they’ve put some of them in a church www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFy9j1vtJ-4

Yes, the big blow up of cases should arrive between the end of this week and the beginning of the next one and right now some hospitals are already full, they are near to collapse, in the main hopsital in Bergamo they don’t have any more space, beds, in intensive care. Nurses and doctors and everybody else who works in hospitals are making eternal shift around 13 hours daily with basically no break. You can’t really imagine it untill it’s in your face. Right now Italy is counting over 31000 cases (and more than 16000 only in Lombardy). This is the main problem with corona virus, cases are growing too fast in a little time untill you reach a moment in which you don’t have any more security systems like face masks (sold out everywhere and the new ones that are arriving are going first to these that need them the most, to these people that are working in contact with sick people), glasses, gloves, etc beds for sick people, no more machines to keep them alive and it’s all a run against time.

People with no symptoms but positive to the test? Lost count of how many we’ve had. This is another big problem of this virus you can’t see it, and you can’t see it in some cases for days! So you can go around without knowing to have it and spread it everywhere! I mean think with how many people you can get in touch in more than 2 weeks!

Not only old people take it, in Italy there have been younger people also in their 20s, 30s that took it and sadly also children and newborns so don’t believe this big lie of only old people can get it (and also if it would be so, don’t you have a grandma or grandpa? Don’t you love them? Shouldn’t you do something to protect them from this?). And sadly some of these people that were young were/are in critical conditions. Also not only old people are in a situation of high risk, but aslo youger people who have diabet, who had to deal with cancer and the list goes on. Recently a man who was 47 passed away for the virus and he was healthy, no other conditions like diabets or cancer, nothing, still he didn’t make it, so don’t think to be safe from this virus just because of your age.

About the message that italians are the one that made the virus go all over Italy just let me tell you this little fact: Italy has been dealing with corona virus for about 3 weeks, day more day less, if I don’t rember wrong the first italian case was around the 20th february, since the very beginning we’ve been open and honest with numbers with the whole world, we never lied about how many cases, death and all. Saturday 7th March,when Italy had already some red zone and over 5000 cases, so at least 15 days after the first case in Italy, the State decide to close down all ski slopes (they should have done that before according to a lot of people) that were full of italians and people from all over europe that had arrived only a few days before so when the virus was already here and it was more than clear to the rest of the world, then on march 9th, when in the middle of the night Conte said that from the next day the red zone would have been the whole country and started talking about the whole lock down thing, all these people run off. So these people came her knowing about the virus and then went back, as fast as they could, to their country without caring about the fact that maybe at that point they were the first who helped the virus go everywhere, without even putting themself in a quarantine. Don’t blame only italians but all these people that can’t respect a few rules like don’t go out! I think we can see it everywhere now, I don’t know if people really don’t use a brain or if panic is taking all over them but in Italy when part of north Italy was announced to be in a red zone some idiots took the train from Milan in the middle of the night to go to some places in South Italy, in France people did the same and run off from Paris, in the States people run to buy eveyrthing and some videos went viral like people almost hitting each other for the last pack of toilet paper without caring about some simple rules like keep at least 1 m from everyone else, and in all this examples, just to name a few, corona virus was throwing a party! So don’t blame a person because is living in a country with the virus, blame those that can’t respect rules and don’t care about others no matter in which country they live or are from. I think it’s simple if they tell you don’t go out then stay in, if the rule is when you are out for grocery shopping or to go to work or on a bus or wherever you want stay at least 1 m from everyone else you do so.

About Vanessa’s live I honestly think that what she said was wrong, but not because she is a celebrity, but because yes everybody has to die before or later, but better later than now. Plus if you are dealing with something and your immune system it’s a mess and this virus has high chances to kill you or if someone you love like a friend, a parent or your child is the one who is in this situation hearing this, well you don’t want to. And right now passing away with corona virus means be alone untill the very end, next to you only a nurse or a doctor that still is a stranger for you. I think she simply shouldn’t have said that but this doesn’t make me hate her or wish for her career to end or anything like that. I’ll keep on supporting her as a fan as I’ve always done. Everyone has their own opinion and the fact that she is the first one that is not going out right now maybe, but just maybe, means that she isn’t underestimating the situation. To be honest I’ve seen and heard worst in the past few weeks, I mean half of our politicians here in Italy laugh off at the virus at the beginning “It’s just a flu, it won’t arrive here” and then not only they were sooooo wrong but they were the first one to be positive… I’ve seen celebrities acting like it’s all a nothing without caring, I mean the basketball player that touched all the microphones on purpose, he could have avoided it, and then was positive. But they weren’t all trashed like Vanessa, I think the fact that she, like before Kendall Jenner, were pointed out by Chiara Ferragni made people notice it more, I mean if you only search Ferragni on google now here in Italy all that comes out is Vanessa’s words. I mean she isn’t the first person on this world that said something like that so if people didn’t care about all the others they should drop down this whole thing now. Sadly since people have to stay in and they don’t know what to do, they like to hate on her more that usually, they have more time to do it. Plus people should also remember that Vanessa, just like any other celebrity, is a human and guess what a human does? Mistakes, so she did it, yes, but she also apologised so move on.

Untill July for The States? I think it’s more than possible. In Italy we’ve started around the 20th february, almost a month later we are still waiting for the highest number of cases that should be by next week according to some, by the middle of April according to others. We are on a lock down untill the 3rd of April but more than half Italy is waiting for that day for a new message that the lock down will have to go on longer because of the situation. Some doctors are talking about starting to get out of this situation not before may and for hospitals to go back to how it was all before only around july. So for The States that are just at the beginning now it could be possible. But as some doctors and researchers said it’s impossible to predict a day for several reasons, starting also from how we all act, I think we will all find it out in a few months.

All I can say to everyone is that this virus it’s not a joke,to stay safe and respect all the rules, if they ask you to stay in your own house don’t go out. If schools are closed this doesn’t mean that kids and teens can go out and meet up somewhere else, it’s easy to understand you have to stay in. Here in Italy the State had to go with total lock down because some old people weren’t getting the part of “stay in” as a caution for them, some other were taking the no schools, no works as a holiday things and wanted to go to the seaside or to ski and then teenagers, they acted like ignorant and selfish people, they were like we can only get it with some line of fever nothing more, we won’t die for it and so they were going out! Zero brain! In a few words since some people weren’t following a few rules the lock down arrived and now if you don’t respect it, don’t respect the law, you pay for your actions. Sorry Maria for the long,long,long,long text! Stay safe.

It’s all good! Hope you stay safe too as well as all of your loved ones!

#answered #submission

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lemonjoonah · 6 years

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Under Fire - Pt 6

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Title: Under Fire Word Count: 4K+ Rating: M Genre: Gang AU, Drama Warnings: Violence, Discussion of Depression Pairings: Hyung Line x Reader (Primarily Namjoon x Reader), very slight OT7 x Reader. Pairings (in this chapter): Namjoon x Reader, Jin x Reader

Summary: As a child you lived among the most wealthy and powerful, after the death of your mother you were shipped off to stay with her sister. Even after finishing your education you continue to live apart from the elite, but a visit home creates an unexpected disaster. You are suddenly roped into a darker world, and who better to be your guide than the infamous gang known as BTS.

A/N: You finally get some answers you may have been looking for. There’s a lot of heavy backstory in this chapter so be prepared.

Chapter 6 - Inherent Duality

POV (Y/N)

“I honestly don’t know where to fucking start.” Your rage is barely contained behind your words.

“Allow me.” V offers. “What the hell was that JK?! Do you not know a screenshot when you see one? (Y/N) knew something was off and she couldn’t even see the footage.”

“I’m sorry V I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Wasn’t expecting it?! If they had any intention of killing us, we would be dead right now.”

You are still ruminating over what to ask first as V exhausts himself from yelling. Would they even give you a truthful answer to your questions? Did your mother really die at the hands of a gang? They keep sending you nervous glances, expecting you to go off on them at any moment. You hold your tongue, making them suffer in apprehension.

“(Y/N), we were...” Jimin looks as if he’s about to repeat his earlier sentiment.

“Save it, you had your chance. Unless you are going to explain it all to me now, save your apologies. I don’t want them.” You answer coldly.

No one speaks up.

When you reach the apartment, you jump out of the car the second it stops. JK appears in the doorway blocking your path in. “Is RM back yet?” You ask shortly.

JK shakes his head.

“I want to know the second he comes in the door.”

You take the earpiece out, placing it in JK’s hand as you brush past him. Jimin makes an attempt to follow you but V places a hand on his shoulder. You hurry up to your room locking the door behind you. There’s a laptop on the desk, you assume for your own use. Taking it over to the bed you bury yourself beneath the covers. You log on to your server, from an offsite route. Authorizing your access with the thumbprint on your phone.

Info regarding the police records for Seoul would be difficult to obtain, your own connection didn’t reach that far. JK’s server suddenly becomes visible on your computer. Gaining access should be more difficult, he must be granting you passage. Luckily for you he has back ups of all of the police files in Seoul.

You narrow the date range and area. Finding only a small initial report on the accident, no additional findings, no follow up investigation, nothing. You widen the parameters, but the results are still dry. You are almost ready to give up when a message pops up with an attachment.

JK- RM just sent me this. He’s not back yet, but he said you might find it informative...

You click the icon hands shaking. The full investigation unravels before you under the label of homicide. It was true then, someone had taken her from you, someone had intentionally caused your family’s suffering.

You continue to read the file, your former and current name appears.

...Park (Y/N) has been placed under the care of (L/N) Miran, her mother’s sister. She will be serving as her guardian, as it is believed that she might be targeted in the future. All official records such as birth, medical, and school records have been redacted and placed under the trust of their legal representation. Mr. Park as been an asset in paying for the removal of any media articles and pictures of Park (Y/N). In addition Park will no longer reference his daughter in public and any visits between the two will take place in a location outside of Korea...

No wonder no one knew about you, even the police files had been redacted to protect your identity. You had always thought that your father kept his distance because he missed your mother, that being around you was too painful. You had not expected that he was just trying to hide you. But why? Why would they threaten your father with the lives of his family? It is clear that the police had never found the responsible party.

Instead they must have felt it was best to leave you in Busan with your Aunt. She was somewhat estranged from your mother’s family, not even go to your parents wedding. Leaving her to be the perfect guardian for your special case, a secluded blood relative. She had died of cancer two years ago. You remember her funeral well, just you and a few of her work colleges. You were furious at your father for not attending, but now you understood why. Even after Aunt Miran’s death you father never brought you home, electing to take you on trips outside of the country.

You were and still are surrounded by people who had lied to protect you. You couldn’t handle it anymore. Secrets weren’t a form of safety, but a prison. When would people understand that?

You spend several hours looking through files for similar cases, aiming to find any clue as to who was responsible. You groan in despair from your fruitless search and the agony of your shoulder.

Information about your mother is your priority, but what Suho had said about Jin still lingers at the back of your mind. You are continuing your search through the server when you spot a list of files for each member. You click on Jin’s but all that comes up is a window demanding a password. Another messenger window opens.

JK- I can’t give you access to that. I’m sorry.

(Y/N)- Why not?

JK- That’s Jin’s private file. Information is a two way street, talk to him and he’ll talk to you... Speaking of which let me on your server, you’ve looked through mine for hours.

An access authorization request comes up on your phone, you deny it.

(Y/N)- I need to clean it up first, get rid of a few personal things.

JK- PLEASE! I’ll be careful.

(Y/N)- Be patient or someone might tell Jin that you have a stash of pirated porn on the server.

JK- ...Take all the time you need...

You hear whispers outside of you door. In this world you are so fragile everyone thinks it best to handle you with pair of gloves and speak in hushed tones. To be fair they are somewhat right, you didn’t know how to deal with the constant threats. You had almost put V in the same position your father was in two days before. He died because you were there, Namjoon’s words cut deeply then, but now they are even more painful.

Before learning of your existence they thought that a chunk of the fortune would make its way to Namjoon, maybe that would be for the best. You finally emerge from the covers of the bed and open the door surprising both V and Jimin who are responsible for the whispering.

“Is he back yet?”

Jimin nods his head, “In his room on the other side of the living room.”.

V just points in that direction remaining silent. You can’t help but notice bruises coming to the surface of his skin. Wounds that he had received trying to keep you from harm.

Knocking on his door you are greeted with an, “Enter”.

Surprise showed in his eyes when he saw that it was you coming into the room. “(Y/N)? Hope called me and told me what happened. Are you okay?”

“I was blindsided by EXO and your asking me if I’m okay?! I shouldn’t have to learn the truth from them Namjoon! You just showed them that you don’t trust me, that you have no faith in me. How do you think that makes your team look?”

“I told you last night I wanted to wait for that document. Would you have believed me if you hadn’t read it yourself? Your father went to such an extent the truth was far from rational.”

That left you with another question, “Then how did EXO know about this?”

“It was their founder who organized her accident.”

You wait for more, but he doesn’t continue. “After what happened today I feel like it would be best if I left, not to Busan, somewhere outside of Korea. Everyone here is walking on eggshells around me and V almost...” You start a new thought not wanting to continue. “I will be opening an account in your name and transferring some of my assets, you’ll never have to worry about money.”

“It was never about the money, we took you in because you were important to Park, important to our mission. And yes everyone is nervous around you because they feel like they have failed you. We weren’t able to protect your father and now we are struggling to keep our promise.”

“You are going to have to give me more than that if you want me to stay. I still don’t understand why did he formed BTS.”

You are interrupted by a short knock on the door, Jin enters.

“That is my fault, I asked them not to say anything. I wasn’t ready to tell you but it appears I can’t put it off any longer.” Jin sighs in defeat. “But first let me check your shoulder. V said that you might have hit it?”

“It’s fine really, I just glanced the wall.” You are eager for answers, and don’t want him to delay any longer.

He looks at you skeptically, unbuttoning the first few buttons on your blouse to get a good look. “You’re bleeding through your bandage why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t notice,” You lie.

“Aishh you haven’t changed , you need to look after yourself more. There is a small tear nothing too bad. He brought bandages with him and changes it quickly before uttering another word. He sits down beside you but looks to the floor as he speaks.

“How much do you remember of your fathers work in politics?”

“Not much, just that he stepped down from his assembly seat when my mother passed.”

Jin takes a deep breath and starts off slowly.

“20 years ago my father, CEO Kim, was heavily invested in the stock market. He was reckless, throwing money at any stock that he believed to have “inside intel” on. He told his shareholders that he was investing in other companies that would benefit them. Instead of using the company funds to expand and update he continued to invest in the market. Profits crashed shareholders pulled out. The company that had been in my family for generations was about to go bankrupt.”

A pained expression on his face grows as the words continue to fall from his mouth.

“He reached out to the government asking for a bail out. Stating that a large number of the people still relied on the company for their medical equipment, and if they went under it would be devastating. The Assembly was actually considering it. My father thought that he would have Park’s vote easily after all they had been friends for a long time, but he was strongly against the idea. He rightfully believed that my father had been irresponsible and should sell the company.”

“My father refused explaining that he would rather watch his company go bankrupt then see it in the hands of another. He was shocked at your father’s “betrayal”. A few days before the vote your mother was in the a car accident that took her life.”

You could tell where this story was going but you didn’t want to believe it. To think a family friend, and Jin’s father, could sink so low. Jin glances up at you sadly for a moment, before returning to his explanation.

“Park was in mourning, but he was certain that the motion would fail even without his vote so he abstained. The motion passed, but just barely. With Park out, Kim only had to threaten a few delegates to sway the vote in his favour. There were a few restrictions placed on him. He was no longer able to access company profits and his share percentage would be reduced to 40, but those were limitations he could live with as he was still the majority shareholder.”

“The police had found new information that lead to the understanding that your mother’s accident was a planned attack, but with no evidence to show the responsible party, it was kept quiet. You were sent off within hours after the discovery. Park knew who the culprit was, but couldn’t prove it beyond reasonable doubt.”

“My father turned to other sources of income to help supplement his foolhardy investments. He founded the gang EXO which he supplies with products from his company. Often using them to intimidate lawmakers when necessary.”

You could feel your anger rising inside of you. He had killed your mother, and played a role in the death of your father. Yet Kim still continues to live his life in luxury.

“Five years ago while in school I discovered my father’s darker dealings. I had walked in on a meeting with him and several notoriously known gang members. I pretended not to be phased, only so I could further research his dealings with them. Each threat, every accident I came across was disturbing, but finding out what he had had to done to your family was the final straw. I left my home and came to Park on my knees begging for forgiveness for my ignorance. Your father took me in and supported me ever since that day.”

“Jin...”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Even though I no longer consider him to be my father I still feel partially responsible for his acts. Your life was torn apart because of him...”

“You are not accountable for your father‘s crimes Jin.”

Namjoon begins to explain further, “Park brought us together purely for revenge. Realizing that Kim was to powerful to take down alone. With all the money we could ever need we had no reason to push drugs like the the other gangs. Making our police record virtually non existent. That doesn’t make us any more innocent than the rest of them though. We focus on taking from others that are connected to Kim, but even that becomes problematic. With us working behind the scenes, Park worked to discredit him in public eye.”

There was nothing you want more than to see that man fall. Needing to take everything from him the way he had taken it from you. There is no way you are leaving now. “I’m in.”

“What?” RM asks in disbelief, he quickly rephrases. ”I’m not saying no, I just want to make sure you are certain of your decision.”

“You asked me before if I wanted to join, I can be a patron, banker I don’t care. There is nothing left for me to lose, but my chance at revenge. You are not taking this man down without me.”

“You would be willing to become more than a patron, to work alongside us?”

“Yes,” Your confirmation comes out unwavering.

Jin looks at you perplexed. You can tell he no longer recognizes the girl before him, how could he when you could barely comprehend your own actions.

JK comes bursting in the door looking completely bewildered stuttering random words... Fire... Busan... He grabs your arm to follow him to the living room. The news coverage is on, but also his own camera footage was pulled up on the laptop. You watch the bookstore you called home go up in flames. “This can’t be an accident. How long ago did it start?”

“A few minutes ago, it caught quickly.”

You run to your room yelling, “JK I need memory space find me the largest empty hard drive you have.” I grabbed the laptop and head back to the living room. JK calls out from the room next to Namjoon’s. Jin had a questioning look on his face, “What’s wro...”

“No time to explain.” You shout running past him.

JK caught on quickly having everything set up once I reached his room. You plug in accessing your server and begin the transfer. “Come on, come on.” A window popped up with an estimated completion time of 2 hours and 45 minutes.

“Let’s hope it’s fast enough,” JK notes.

You sit down placing your head in your hands. The other members join you, curious looks on their faces.

“With them destroying my place of work it is only a matter time before they appear at my home too. I’m downloading my server in case they damage my system.”

Namjoon places a finger on his lips in thought. “JK pull up the cameras I posted in the area.”

JK looks at him hesitantly for a moment before muttering, “You must have a death wish.” He pulls up another camera shot.

“Why the hell is my living room on the screen?!” You shout.

“This is the first time that we have ever access this camera, it was to be used only for emergencies.” Namjoon shot back. “If you want to be part of this group, you are going to have to deal with a lack of privacy from time to time.”

You sigh defeated leaning back in your chair and glancing at the camera shots. there was another in the hallway in front of my door, a third pointing to the building in flames, and a forth that said no signal, you guess that one must have been set up inside the store. You are beyond grief you’re absolutely livid.

“Are these cameras recording?” You ask JK.

“Yeah, I’ll set up a notification if there is any movement in your apartment.”

You continue to stare a the flames engulfing the building, “There is one thing I am still confused about. If I was so well hidden how did the press get my picture and find out about me so quickly? How did they,” You point to the screen, “Find my workplace so quickly.”

V answers for you, “I’m looking into my connections, seeing if anyone is trying to exchange information about you on the dark web, but it could be as simple as one of your friends talking to the media.”

You are more concerned about the second option than the first. Your friends knew you as a private person. They knew that you wouldn’t want your life on display. Did one of them sell you out?

“2 hours and 40 minutes left on the transfer, I don’t think I can watch this anymore.” You slowly leave you chair heading back to the living room. The other members follow, you hear Jimin whisper asking if you are really joining the team, a faint yes comes from Jin. Jimin seems pleased by the idea, you turn back to see his his squinty eyed smile.

Namjoon whispers something to Jin, who then excuses himself, as everyone sit on the couches surrounding a coffee table.

Suga is leaning back, looking as if he might fall asleep, V, JK and Jimin are arguing over something on his laptop. Hope sits beside you as he scrolls through his phone. Namjoon is across from you holding a small smile on his face. Jin returns with 8 bottles of beer. “You should be fine now (Y/N), the painkillers will be out of your system.” He informs you, passing a bottle over.

“Thanks Jin.”

He hands out the rest of the bottles.

“I know that this isn’t the ideal time for initiation...” Namjoon starts what seems like a speech but is quickly interrupted .

“Here he goes...” Suga mutters.

“He’s going to be all methodical and sappy,” groans Hope.

Jimin stifles his laughter. Namjoon glares at them.

“Just keep it short RM.” V asks.

Namjoon turns to you, you give him a pleading look in agreement with the others. “Fuck it then, Welcome home Fire.”

A chorus of welcome homes echoed around the room we all raised out bottles and toast the occasion.

The talk soon turned to logistics. “What role will she be taking?” Asks Jimin.

Namjoon looks to you in assessment, “You already have a background with computers, so it might be best if you stick with JK for now. At least until you heal.”

“Maybe you can teach him a thing or two about screenshots, or even art.” V cracks.

The beer is consumed quickly, the guys out pacing you easily. There’s a outcry for more, forcing Jin to find the soju. “Drink it slow, otherwise you’ll feel terrible tomorrow.” Jin expresses his concern as he pours you a drink.

“I don’t think that I could feel much worse tomorrow regardless.” The funeral coming to the forefront of your mind.

“You don’t have do this you know.” Jin suddenly blurts out.

You knew this was coming, “If you are referring to my membership, I don’t think your in any place to talk me out of it. I don’t want to be that naive child anymore Jin, you should know that better than anyone.”

“You’re too young to know what you want.”

“Yes because being two years older makes you so much more mature.”

“I may be only two years older but I have spent the last five in a world you can’t comprehend. I’m just trying to look out for you. We can watch over you even if you don’t become a member.”

JK approaches with an empty cup eyeing the bottle in Jin’s hand.

“Did you say the same thing to JK when he joined or is this for my benefit?” You remark pointing out the double standard in age.

“Okay fine, I’ll lay off... for now.” He claps a hand on JK’s shoulder changing his tone. “Try not to pick on JK too much while your working with him. You don’t want to scare him off with that temper of yours.” Jin laughs

“Yes because he’s so innocent,” You mutter sarcastically to low for Jin to hear.

“You’ll be working under me Fire, you shouldn’t make fun of your superior like that.” JK whispers to you as Jin pours more drinks.

“Is that a threat little boy, because I was told not to keep any secrets from my fellow members.” You eye him darkly.

“You wouldn’t dare...”

But you do...“Jin I was wondering, JK had this weird folder hidden on his server labeled F.A.P. material any idea what it might be?”

JK turns bright red as Jin fumes, “What do you have on your computer?”

You snicker quickly edging out of the conversation making you way over to Namjoon. As you stop beside him all you could hear across the room was, “You should see the amount RM has on his computer!”

You burst out laughing while he asks, “What are they talking about?”

“Oh, I accidentally came across JK’s porn folder while on his server.” It took a minute for it to sink in and figure out what JK was accusing him of.

“Oh...OH!... It’s not...” He stutters.

“I could care less, it’s just funny to watch the reaction of those who do.”

After a while the yelling becomes slurred apologies as the liquor takes hold.

Jimin and V have passed out on one of the couches together.

Hope somehow talks the rest of us to into playing a drinking game. For Namjoon and yourself it took a little convincing, but you aren’t sure how he was able to persuade Suga.

You had gone a couple rounds now, the truths becoming more interesting as you all continue.

Namjoon pulls a new prompt from the bowl. “Embarrassing secrets... Apparently I have a shocking amount of adult content on my computer.” Namjoon confesses. You all lift your glasses and take a drink.

It was you turn next. You try to think of something that none of them would have in common with you, really not wanting to have to take another drink. “Until recently I had a stuffed animal I slept with.” You glance at them hopefully. Matching grins appeared on both Suga’s and Hopes face as they look to Namjoon.

He looks back at them shot in hand, “It makes a good cushion...” He grumbles taking a shot with you.

Suga is up next. “Skip.”

You try to persuade him, “Wait, but this is such and easy one.”

“Skip,” He repeats taking his two penalty shots.

Hope clears his throat, and continues the game. Not commenting on Suga’s deflect. “I used to take dance lessons.”

No one speaks up.

“Fuck Hope, you wanted to play knowing you would win didn’t you.” Suga complains as everyone takes the shot instead of Hope.

“Ugh, how does anyone win this game,” You groan, rubbing your hand over your face trying to stay awake.

Namjoon’s face drops as he reads the next slip. “Greatest fear...” He takes a deep breath as he thinks it over. “I’m terrified of failure. One misstep an it becomes a life or death every time.”

You all raise our glasses again.

“I think you’re just afraid of drinking alone.” Hope grumbles.

You hate this question, there was one fear that surpasses all others for you. “I am afraid of being alone...” everyone raises their glasses but you aren’t finished yet. “Alone with my own thoughts. On a bad day I’ll go out to the store or a cafe because at least there... in public I know I won’t act upon them.” Namjoon and Hope lower theirs, but Suga keeps his glass high. He continues to look you in the eye as he takes his shot with you. You felt Namjoon reach for your hand under the table, he squeezes it and keeps hold.

Suga doesn’t take long to come up with his own, “My tally.” Seeing your confusion he continues to explain. “When I became a sniper I was worried I would lose count of the lives I took. I keep a tally and add to it every time I am given an assignment. I have not counted it in years. I have gone from a fear of forgetting to a fear of knowing.”

The rest of you take your shots in silence. You don’t know what to say his truth, it leaves you troubled but also terrified.

You can tell that Hope is not eager to share. “Come on Hope this’ll be the last one.” You whisper encouragingly.

“I’m scared of falling asleep. Almost every night I dream that someone I care about dies in my arms, that it is my fault, that I failed them.” His mouth hangs open as if waiting for his words to continue but only silence follows.

You raise your glass, offering words in solidarity. “You’re not alone. If it’s not my mother, it’s my father, if it’s not him it’s my friends. So far I am two for three,” You chuckle darkly as you roll the glass between your fingers before taking the shot with him. You can tell why they like to play this game. It may have taken on a somber tone near the end , but you feel as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Kneeling at the table and drinking excessively had finally taken its toll. You honestly don’t think you can get up so you just lay back on the rug. The carpet is incredibly soft, you felt as if you are melting into it.

“No one move me until it’s absolutely necessary.”

J-Hope crawls over and climbs on the couch behind you, “Same.”

“You guys are all light weights.” Suga lays down on the floor his head resting on a blanket supported by your ankles. Namjoon lays along his side of the table with his head pointed towards you.

“Thank you agreeing to take me on.”

“I hope you’ll still be thankful after your training,” He laughs.

“Too late to back out now?” you jokingly ask.

“Yeah I think so, you can’t go back on an initiation like that.” He gestures to everyone passed out, snores can be heard around the room.

You suppress a snicker.

“Goodnight Namjoon.” You whisper.

“Goodnight (Y/N),” He places a hand on your head as you fall asleep.

#bts fanfction #bts fanfic #bts under fire series #bts gang au #bts x reader #bts reader insert #kim namjoon x reader #namjoon x reader #rm x reader #kim seokjin x reader #seokjin x reader #jin x reader #bts hyung line x reader #slight ot7 x reader

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atypicalkataangist · 5 years

Text

Bestowing Honour

Type: Oneshot [Angst]

Summary: One year after Aang’s death, his family returns to the place of his funeral to bestow honour on the late Avatar.

Word count: 2241

Author’s note: Hey guys. Today’s oneshot is actually something special for me. I used it as a vent for many emotions that were boiling up inside of me for the last while. I began writing this Oneshot about two weeks ago; It was the first anniversary of my Dad’s untimely death, who had died of pancreatic cancer last year. We visited my Dad’s grave and so many emotions were bottling up inside of me that I had to release them somewhere, and since something similar happened to the Avatar’s family, I couldn’t pass up the chance to weave my own thoughts, memories and words together with those of the characters in the story.

By the way, AtLA was pretty much the first thing i could really enjoy after everything that happened last year, and I’m very thankful for all the beautiful moments it could give me despite everything else.

So please enjoy this, and even if you don’t I understand, all I wanted to do is to write down my most intimate emotions, and I’m glad I did. This is enough sad stuff for the next while though, I’m looking forward to write about something fluffy finally again! But as you might have noticed by now, updates take a while.

Don’t forget to think positive, whatever may happen, guys; because remember what a wise man once said:

“When we hit our lowest point, we’re open to the greatest change.”

~ Dedicated to my Dad ~

The wind blew strongly at the southern cliff of yue bay. The sun hid behind a thick layer of clouds, the sky was coloured in a deep grey most of the time, only interrupted by brief seconds when the sun was given the opportunity to shine through the almost inpenetrable wall. After a short moment of sunshine however, it would go back into hiding, never to be seen again.

Neither of them had been looking forward to this day, but they all knew that it had to be done. One year ago, on this exact date, the Avatar had died. Avatar Aang, the last airbender, the bringer of piece, had met his demise after a long period of serious sickness. Even though the whole world seemed to be disconsolate about the great man's demise, his family of course was hit hardest. The last year had been an incredibly difficult time for the Avatar's wife and three adult kids; whereas the world seemed to overheap the late hero with honors like planning to build a gigantic statue of him in yue bay, or establishing an "Avatar-Aang-Memorial-Day", his family could only think about the person behind the Avatar, behind the politician, the bringer of peace.

The Avatar's burial had been a huge event, with hundreds of famous people from all around the world giving speeches, sometimes more personal and heartwarming like the one held by the Avatar's trusted friend and ally, Fire Lord Zuko, or sometimes more political and impersonal like the speech held by a nobleman from the earth kingdom, of whom Katara wasn't sure if he had actually been in the same room together with Aang just once while he was alive. According to his beliefs as an Air Nomad, his remains were cremated and his ashes handed over to the winds of yue bay, on the far end of a cliff not far from his lifelong home on air temple island. It had been a terrifying day for Katara. Even though hundreds, if not thousands of people expressed their more or less honest condolences to her, offering their help whenever she would need it, her inner instincts were just telling her to run. Run as far away as her legs would carry her. It had all been too much, way too much, and without the support of her children, she would have probably left, not bearing to witness the act of hundreds of people crying in remorse over someone they barely knew.

She had known him, better than all of them . She had loved him every day of her life. She had cared for him when he wasn't well, and she was by his side, she didn't leave him in his final days, holding his hand, watching the final bit of life leaving his frail body until his suffering came to an end. She had cried until there were no more tears to shed. She had loved him more than she had loved anything else, perhaps except for her children. She had spent her whole life at his side, going through ups and downs, highlights and crises together. They had saved the world together. They had rebuilt a culture. They raised three children together. They had been married for well over forty-five years. And they had endured ravage, destruction, wars, Appa's death, Iroh's death, rebellion, and so much more.

And all of that should've come to an end now? Because the universe decided that the world needed a new Avatar? A fresh start? With him, almost everything she cared about was taken from her, a part of her dying together with him. A part of her wished to die as well, to be reunited with him in the spirit world, to spend eternity at his side. But another part reminded her of her children, her first grandchild that was on the way, the fate of her husband's air nomad culture that lived on through the air acolytes and her son Tenzin. She secretly knew that her time had not come yet.

After his death, she didn't dare to return to their old home on air temple island. They had spent their whole lives together in that house, and there was nothing that didn't remind her of him. She needed to get out of there and never return. Many begged her to join them, like Zuko, who was more than willing to help one of his dearest and oldest friends with an apartment in the royal palace, or the ancient earth king who had always appreciated and cared for the Avatar and his family.

Nonetheless everybody knew where she was going. The day after his funeral, she took the first ship towards the south pole, her home, the only place where she had lived for longer than a few months without him by her side. Her birthplace. The place of her family, her culture, her ancestors. Her daughter Kya joined her, putting her life on pause, postponing the wedding with her fiancee. She couldn't let her mother alone in a time like that, so she cared for her for the next hard months. The late Avatar's wife barely spoke, sunken in dreams and memories, yet she appreciated her daughter's company. Her sons came to visit every now and then, at least relieved to know that she would be in good hands with Kya, but their lives kept them busy most of the time, Bumi being a general in the united forces and Tenzin being the head of a culture that had yet to be reborn. Of course Katara didn't hold a grudge against her sons. Whenever they asked if they should stay, she reminded them to get back to their duties, not to worry about their old mother.

The only positive thing, the only glimmer of hope and the only thing that finally caused her to leave the south pole once in the next year, was the birth of Tenzin's first child, Aang's and her first grandchild, a little girl named Jinora, who quickly turned out to be an airbender. It was the first time she felt something like hope again since the death of the Avatar. Yet again she felt incredibly remorseful that her husband was not there with her and his son to share this beautiful moment together, the birth of their first grandchild, the second air bender in the world.

The next months she spent at the south pole, at least returning to her usual behaviour prior to the traumatic experience. She didn't stop to teach her daughter expert water bending techniques, also training some younger waterbenders from the southern, as well as the northern water tribe. She began to slowly return to life again, regaining a purpose. Kya even caught her mother laughing from time to time, and that sound she hadn't heard for way too long was like music in her ears.

Nonetheless no day went by without Katara thinking about the love of her life. At night she often went for long walks, looking up to the sky, searching for symbols or signs as a piece of evidence for his presence, but there was nothing. Sometimes she even went out to ice fields where she had found him in the iceberg. On the day that changed her life. Where she held him in her arms for the first time. Where they exchanged their first words. Where they went penguin sledding together. She couldn't think back at this moment without tears immediately shooting up to her eyes. How much she missed him... It felt unbearable.

And now, one year after the worst day of her life, she had to return, only to be confronted again with the terrible place near the coast, where she had to scatter his ashes. At least no one else was present now, except for her children and her brother. She wanted to keep it in the family. It would be hard enough as it was.

The skies didn't seem to approve of their endeavor. Maybe it was Aang, desperately trying to let them know that he was still there; or maybe the spirits were raging again. In the end, it didn't matter anyway. It was right after noon when all of them had finally made their way to the small edge of the cliff , where nothing but a small memorial stone and a bronze plaque which simply said "Avatar Aang - 12 BG - 153 AG" gave an indication of a memorial for a great man.

They stood there in silence; Katara in the center, opposite to the memorial stone, framed by her brother and her daughter, with Bumi at Sokka's and Tenzin at Kya's other side. The wind didn't allow them to have the peace they deserved, howling and messing up their clothes and hair. By now Katara could even feel tiny raindrops against her skin. Without even realizing it, she bend the whole rain around them away, leaving them dry.

She watched her husband's memorial with hurt, painful eyes. She was the first and only one to talk. "Aang...", she barely uttered with a shaky voice, while her whole body began to tremble from grief, "we...we've been doing okay so far... but we miss you" She began to cry heartbreakingly,"...so ...so much..." Her family, her brother, her children instantly offered their support, barely capable to hold back their tears as well. She wasn't ready to be helped right now. Nobody could comfort her. Powerless, she dropped on her knees, the wind joining in to her howling, breezing through her greyish hair. She wasn't even strong enough to bend the rainwater away anymore. Her brother dropped right next to her, very gently holding her back while his tear-dimmed eyes tried to meet his sister's, gently drawing her into an intimate hug. Her crying became louder against her trusted brother's shoulder, turning into nerve-splitting howling as all the good and bad memories came back into her mind. "I... I can't do this...", she cried, repeating it over and over again.

Kya felt dizzy from the pain she felt and she could see within her mother. She felt helpless. Not even she could heal her mother's pain. Guilt, anger and pain rose up inside of her, causing her to tremble. A wave of tears broke out of her despite her efforts to hold it in. She was about to lose equilibrium, about to hit the ground, when her little brother noticed her dizziness and held her firm, pressing his grief-stricken sister against his shoulder, sniffing away tears of his own.

The only one standing alone was Bumi. Even though they didn't always come along greatly, he had loved his father very much, and he was in mourning for him after his death. He didn't want his family to notice, but now, after a whole year had passed, with so much happening in his own life, he had felt simply nothing when he came back to the place of his funeral. He knew that his father was sitting there somewhere, watching him and hopefully be proud of his son. But when his mother started to cry again, like on the same day a year back, heartshattering and nervewrecking, he couldn't help but feel somewhat angry. Maybe it was his soldier-like attitude that he had to learn while being in the forces; whatever you do, don't show weakness. Or perhaps he was angry at her, because she became so dependent on her husband being there for her, that now that he was gone, her whole life began to crumble and fall apart.

Though perhaps he was angry at himself for all those missed opportunities, perhaps for taking so much for granted in the past; for forgetting so many beautiful memories to make coping with the pain easier. For putting his own life about his mother's, leaving her and his sister alone, only to fulfill his own dreams, to live his own life.

Finally, a tear slipped out of his eye, the only thing indicating the turmoil inside of him. He stood there in silence as he tried to bring his thoughts in order, watching the memorial as he somehow tried to share his thoughts with his Dad, telling him about his deepest feelings.

He snapped out of his trance after feeling a hand touching his shoulder. It was his uncle who looked at him with weary eyes, trying to figure out if his favourite little nephew was alright inside. Not coming to a clear conclusion, he still decided to hug him.

Bumi closed his eyes. His hero's touch felt good, it reminded him of how his Dad showed his appreciation whenever he heard of his sons accomplishments in making the world a safer place. He missed moments like these. When he opened his eyes again, he saw his mother was back at her senses now, sitting in the wet grass. She looked almost childlike, despite being an older woman by now. The way she was sitting there, wiping away the last few tears with her wirstbone, not daring to raise her eyes to meet what was in front of her. Kya and Tenzin were sitting on her left; he decided to take place on her right, putting his arm around her back, gently rubbing her back in small, circular patterns. She leaned into his touch, and when he heard her calmly breathing again, he knew that one day they would be alright.

#avatar #atla #kataang #family #death #grief

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bizarropurugly · 6 years

Text

Things to Consider if You’re Considering Suicide

So I’m writing this based on my own experiences and the experiences of others, the articles I’ve read and the people I’ve known.

I see a lot of things that have good intentions but don’t really connect to those of us who are suicidal, like a lot of corny messages and empty platitudes that don’t mean anything to some of us. Like, they’re not realistic to our situations or our feelings.

So here’s me trying to do a bit better and be a bit more direct, though, I do warn that it may get aggressive and negative.

The thing is, this isn’t a roses and sunshine sort of topic, but a lot of people want to handle it that way, which can often ignore the reasons we want to do this in the first place, or make us feel like we’re not being taken seriously about what’s hurting us. So, some of the below may seem dark but I’ve known people who’ve turned away from suicide because of some of these harsh realities.

Anyway, here I go:

If you want to kill yourself to hurt someone...

...who is bullying you, being mean to you, or abusing you:

They most likely won’t care. I mean that. They won’t care. In fact, some may celebrate. I know that’s really harsh but you have to realize that they will not care, you will not be teaching them anything because it won’t mean anything to them.

So why should you pay an extreme tuition for a lesson they will refuse to learn?

At most a few will feel bad for a little bit, but most of them will shrug it off, or even mock you further.

And you won’t be there to prove them wrong. You won’t be there to show them they were absolutely fucking wrong about you. You won’t be there to make them regret their crap. This might even prove to them that they were right about you all along. Don’t let them have that opportunity.

At the worst, they’ll use your death for their own gain. They’ll use it to garner pity from others, really put on a “woe is me” show, or how everything is so hard for them, even though they’re the ones who caused all your pain. Parents are especially likely to do this. That’s YOUR story that they’re taking and making into THEIR story - is that what you want to happen?

So don’t do it.

...who has broken your heart or rejected you:

That’s abuse. That’s emotional abuse. If you really loved them, you wouldn’t want to “get back at them” like this, you wouldn’t want to put them through this extreme pain.

Did you ever have a pet die? Or a friend or family member you were close to? That was hard, wasn’t it? It’s even harder when it’s someone you were involved with. Losing a partner is devastating, even if that person was an ex. Do you really want to hurt them so badly, so irreversibly?

And it won’t make them love you. They will not stop dating forever because you died over them.

It definitely won’t make anyone else love you, because you won’t be around to love again. You will lose your chance at love, at a future, at someone who really understands you and wants to be with you forever. You’re going to give all that up?

At worse, you’ll traumatize, and at best, you’ll be alone, in a grave. Don’t do it.

If you want to kill yourself because you think that’s what people want...:

...because you’re a bad person:

See the first point in the above section. They won’t care, they may even celebrate, and they’ll use it as evidence that you really were just that bad of a person.

You see people mocking crytyping, or mocking those having panic attacks or meltdowns, proclaiming that people are faking to get out of responsibilities? That will be what they do to you.

There will be people who go through your life history and gather evidence to prove your death was a good thing and well deserved.

And you can look around and see people celebrating the deaths of shitty people time and time again. This isn’t a far-fetched scenario just because you’re a much smaller person than a politician, and dying by your own hand.

There will always be people who won’t forgive you, and people who are never going to be satisfied with what you do, including if you kill yourself for them. So why do it?

And I mean, if you don’t kill yourself, you have time to make up for what you’ve done. You have room for improvement. You have the chance for better. Do you really want to go down as a bad guy, or would you rather reform?

So don’t do it.

...because you’re a burden:

First off, anyone who thinks you’re a burden is a bad person. Don’t die over a bad person.

You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be loved. You are NOT a burden - needing some extra attention does NOT make you worthy of death, or abuse, or anything.

And people who think you are a burden on them are going to use your death for their gain too, just like I pointed out before - “woe is me” and making your story about them, and so on. Again, this is more common with parents. They already decided you weren’t worth saving, that you weren’t worth sympathy, don’t let them claim a right to it when you’re gone.

It takes a lot of power to kill yourself, so...

...recognize that!

It’s not an easy task, you’re going against one of the strongest and the most basic instincts all living creatures have.

That means something... it means you can have the strength to make it through this. It means inside of you there is a well of power waiting to be tapped. Harness it for something else, something better.

Realize you are strong, stronger than this, strong enough to overcome this struggle.

I’m not going to lie, it takes some time, it takes a lot of effort... but dude!! Suicide takes a lot of effort, it’s just the results are more immediate. Don’t get discouraged because the results aren’t soon enough.

But I mean, you don’t have to struggle alone. Even the strongest people need help. And when you’ve got a demon on your shoulder trying to steer your strength to ending it all, you need an angel or two on the other helping you direct it somewhere else, and helping you hold up that burden.

Killing yourself won’t help anything.

Whatever problems you have won’t be solved. You’ll likely just pass them to others. Are you okay with that?

And if you’re struggling as a group, killing yourself won’t contribute to making that better either.

In what way does death help a divorce? In what way does death help a death? In what way does death refinance? In what way does death raise a child? In what way does death save someone else from abuse?

It really doesn’t. It won’t help you, and it won’t help anyone else.

You will regret killing yourself.

In the moment you do it, you will regret it. But not everyone recovers from it, not everyone survives it to realize and to act on that regret.

Someone else pointed this out on another post and I realized how true it was. I definitely had instant regrets once I committed. I was lucky, but others aren’t. It’s real, and it happens.

Surviving suicide also hurts.

Even with seemingly foolproof methods, you can mess up, and change your life forever over it. From brain damage, to loss of body parts, to blindness, to deafness, to cancer, to digestive and heart health problems... the possibilities for if you fail are endless.

And it’s not just the physical aspect, there’s the emotional impact as well. People will forever see you differently, treat you differently, even if you survive with minimal damage. YOU will forever see the world differently, interact with it differently, move in it differently.

It deserves a second thought.

Yeah, I know it hurts now.

Trust me, I know, and I know how frustrating it can be to hear everyone say, “Stay here for me, stay here for them, stay here and suffer because we wouldn’t like it if you died.”

So you don’t live for them, you live for you. Find reasons to live for you. Any reasons will do - seriously, ANY REASON IS A GOOD REASON. Have a pet to take care of? GOOD REASON. Have a show you like that you haven’t seen the end of? GOOD REASON. Want to go to your family dinner? GOOD REASON. Want to learn a new skill or new language? GOOD REASON. Want to graduate? GOOD REASON.

I really do know it hurts, that existence itself can be painful. For that reason, because I know that pain, I have a hard time demanding people stick around. It’s hell to suffer through, I know.

But I think you should consider it. I think you should grasp for life. I think you should cling to whatever can keep you here.

Here’s some resources:

1-800-273-8255 is the US suicide prevention line. Wikipedia has a list of suicide prevention hotlines worldwide, including text lines and online chat services.

Alternatives to self harm, things to remember, specific resources for mental illnesses and recovery, hotlines, and other self care resources.

How to get mental healthcare when your parents won’t let you.

Masterpost of suicide resources and for dealing with suicidal feelings.

International hotlines for suicide, abuse, and rape.

A fool’s guide to not wanting to die anymore.

What’s a good way to say goodbye?

#speeches #suicide -#long post -#rape m -#self harm -

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thevoidgod · 3 years

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A Conversation With the Void-God

I have studied the arcane arts of the Void for many years. Through passion and borderline insanity, I found the Fringe Athenaeum. The infamous--and legendary plane the Void-God inhabits. Seldom few have written treatises of such a magnificent place, let alone listen to the abyssal voice of the Void-God himself. However, I postulate none have returned from his realm, for many reasons. It may be rumor, but rumors start somewhere, and I am not one to ignore information despite how it circulates, lest it hide the truth. My fail-safe for this is woven into my ritual. I will have an hour before I am pulled back to my physical body. After practicing my projection techniques, I am confident nothing can interfere with my fail-safe.

The andeamer believe Mariax Stygal entices passionate scholars to his realm, or those seeking answers to their questions, and quickly the descent into madness begins in the feverish search of those answers. I, however, am willing to take that chance as I have reasons to believe none have my gifts. I also was not intentionally drawing the attention of the Void-God.

“We have a visitor.”

His voice echoed through the Void. I searched for its origins, yet it came from everywhere… In my circling search, I found the Void-God himself stood behind me. I did not recognize this being to be him at first, no I thought it simply one of his minions.

It was a macabre creature. Imitating the form of a man veiled in black yet twisted by its own nature. It’s eyes… Its hollow eyes bore through me and I only admit to my fear now.

I dealt with these beings before, simple ones as I have learned, nothing like the behemoths that lurk the abyssal plane. I pulled the energy of the Void around me so easily. I was not bound by a veil that obscured the worlds. It was invigorating, to suddenly come from walking in water to walking on land and such ease of manipulation may have inflated my confidence at this encounter.

“Begone or I will destroy you.”

The stoic face like a mask twitched. A smile tugged the Chelsea grin across its face. He laughed.... Deep, carving, and tapping into some auxiliary fear hidden deep within me. “I know what you seek.”

“I seek nothing from you.” I so wisely stated he began to circle around me. Steps echoed through walls. Walls that had changed since I last observed them. New walls, shelves lined with books that organized themselves. Other void creatures wandered at a distance. The colors of the skies had changed their tones.

He paused. Eyes locked onto mine, or at least that is what I felt. “Are you sure of that?”

A vicious chill raced down my spine. It was at that moment, I recognized who was before me. “You are him...” I managed to say and state the obvious in the presence of the Lord of shadows.

“And you are [redacted], but you call yourself ‘Nightbane’ among your… peers.” Perhaps it was my own projection, but I felt a sting of judgement. One could never use their true name in my field of study.

“Surely, you know—”

“Naturally.” My defense of my pseudonym had become reflexive, but I sensed the Void-God would have none of it. He turned away. Hands clasped each other behind his back as he walked to the edge of the island we stood upon. His realm was ever changing… Perhaps at his will? “You have questions,” he said.

“Many.” I attempted to gather whatever sense I could, but it was difficult in such a being’s presence. I knew my risks coming here, yet… I never believed I would be in the presence of the Void-God.

“Ask and you shall receive.”

“I must know more about what your kind is—Voids and their nature.”

He looked over his shoulder. Another humored smile twitched. “My kind?” He laughed, a gentle laugh, yet it still unnerved me to my core. “You dive into depths one never surfaces from when it comes to my kind and I do not speak of the inhabitants of the Void.”

“You are not a being of the Void?”

He turned to me, “No.”

“Then what are you?”

“Our topic is: ‘what are Voids’.” I simply nodded. Finally, I saw the realm around me shaped to him. From the stone we stood on, it built upon itself a throne of sorts for him and he sat. “I do love these chats with your kind,” a slow hand rose and a blackened finger pointed to me. Behind me a throne like his had come from the ground when I wasn’t looking. “Do not mistake me, however, I lack tone and the nuance of speech so know that everything I say, I say literally. I have no sleight of hand reserved and no mirror to my words.”

“Ah,” I nodded, somewhat relieved. If he was telling the truth anyhow…

What are the Voids?

Your curiosity of the Void is shared by many, but seldom few have sought their answers at the source. These creatures are not unlike you but know that you are more [pause] special than they. They come in a variety; you have dealt with those that are but the equivalent of children; weak, blunt, small.

They are not dangerous, because they are small things. It is the intelligent ones you ought to fear and avoid. The Greater Voids were not given their positions. They took them. They are the most willful and intelligent Voidlings you will find and that is what makes them dangerous.

Where did they come from?

From the Void. This is their genesis. They are not born and do not die. They can be created from other Voids. Recycled by defeat or devoured. Some are merely contained, shackled by their foes.

What are their goals?

Their goals? Every creature has its goals and those are known only to them. Many know but a fraction of the Greater Voids. Hismael Hamariel does not have compulsion to corrupt the hearts of men. Valac Vetis is not forced to create dreams in the sleeping mind.

I see their symptoms, not their illness.

Why do they harm the living?

What makes you think they are not alive themselves? They are but another form of life. I do not know the minds of ants; however, I can speculate.

As I stated before they come in a variety same as humans. The dichotomy of man is not unique. Voids may attack because they are an animal defending its territory the same as nations defend their borders. …Or they attack because they are like a man, fearful and frightened seeking to end whatever perceived threat is near.

And then there are those who attack simply because they enjoy it. That variety, Void and man, are the closest I can confirm to be purely malevolent. They are always the intelligent kind of being. They know what they inflict on others.

Are there any who possibly help? In some way or have… traits we may consider “good”?

Yes, but you would not call them “Void” do you? The andeamer call them ätherä. But not all ätherä are benevolent Voids; they are something else.

I feel as though you’re trying to imply something—

I illustrate parallels simply because I find it the easiest means for you to comprehend. The beings of your worlds and Voids are not the same. One does not become the other.

What of the creatures called Void-turned? Many are under the assumption they’re possessed or become Void things leading many in my field to believe that we can become them.

I applaud the demonstrated will to learn in any subject, it was I admire most of you. It is what separates you from Void-borne; you can learn and change.

But to answer your question, I will be blunt: they are wrong. What you see is akin to a disease. They are not possessed in the way you think. Corrupted? Yes. Corrupted to the core of their DNA. This engineered disease does not “turn” a man into a void creature. It rots the mind like many natural diseases that deteriorate the fragile neural networks, but the difference is that whomever infected the individual can control the deterioration effectively making them a slave.

It’s a disease? Engineered? Your statement has so many implications…

Extract what you will from it then. Yes, it means you can create a vaccine to defend yourselves, but this disease functions more like cancer, and there will never be a cure for such an ailment.

There wouldn’t’ be a cure? How?

I know you’ve no background in biology, [sighs] so, I must abridge this to an extreme. The disease of the Void-turned is based off their own generic makeup. Once infected, the virus morphs to control them. However, death is never intended, common, but seldom have I seen an infector’s virus truly meld into the victims as to not kill them.

Hypothetically, a cure is possible. However, to cure every infected individual, one would need just as many panaceas.

You mention earlier how we differ from Voids, and it is what makes us “special”, as you say.

Humans can learn and change. You are dependent on it. Adaptability is very important for organisms from your pocket of existence. Voids do not possess that. They do not “learn” exactly, few do, and it is a complex subject matter I still observe. They appear to absorb information, but never truly use it.

You know of the Greater Voids, at least those the andeamer fear. Of all them, the only one I have truly witnessed to “learn”, that is to absorb information and then use it to change outcomes would be Hismael Hamariel. The great heart-stealer is one those whose meddling is merely fun. She learned how to make her victims suffer more.

Can you learn?

[laughs]I want you to revisit that question and think just a bit harder. I am not of the Void. Yes, I can learn, adapt, change, just as you. It is how I sit here, upon a throne in my world with hundreds of legions of servants beneath me.

Those Voids loyal to you, can they learn?

Some. My second, Ronove, is just one. The first. It took centuries, perhaps longer, but he can. He is my favorite lieutenant. I took him from being a scuttling little insect rushing away from being crushed under the sabatons of another and I showed him how to walk, now he is a god in every sense.

I’ve seen his name before, rarely. He is often attributed to being a servant of Mïzäirn.

You rarely see the names of those who have not caused suffering. And you often see my and Mïzäirn’s spheres overlapping.

You’re supposed to be the Greater Void of the shadows and secrecy, yet you’re forthcoming.

I know what you think, but don’t say: only if I am telling the truth. No, I cannot read minds; I have existed a very long time. The sphere of the encroaching darkness was assigned to me by the andeamer who, just as I, see only the methods and not the goals. I do not blame them, and I won’t bother to correct them.

Why would you not correct them when you’ve already shown me so much?

That is how I fit into their mythology. It is their interpretation to events, who am I to say they are wrong?

Well, given that you are very real and witnessed what they believe to be true why not tell them exactly what happened?

What makes you think I am an unbiased source? Do you know what else the andeamer think of me? They also know of my wrathful nature. There is not one voice in existence that ever tells the truth.

You said every creature has its goals and those are known only to them. What is your goal then?

You will live to see the ends, but now it’s time for you to wake up.

#worldbuilding #worldbuilding lore #fantasy literature #fantasy #fiction #fictional deities #dark fantasy #otherworld #writing #original character #lovecraftian #mysterious #original work #orginal writing #original content

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dontalk2melulu · 3 years

Text

UNDER THE PALE MOONLIGHT WITH CHERRY BLOSSOMS TO ROMANTICIZE MY EXISTENTIAL DREADING

Blog: Japan

At some points in my life, I fantasize my death under the pale moonlight with cherry blossoms to romanticize my sweet demise. I think that Japan would be a good spot. Therefore, without a crumb of hesitation my feet headed me here.

I’m holding my journal notebook, with a title “Stuff of a Nearly Proper Person”. I came across this page where I wrote down the things that scare me in my mid 20’s and I started to feel my chest burning and like something is squeezing it tightly, then my tears cosplayed like a waterfall.

Things that scare me in my mid-20’s

1. My eyes will lose all light and my soul will lose all hope as I endure my 20s.

2. Not living a fun, reckless youth to fondly remember.

3. Not being hundred percent financially independent ever.

4. Never making friends again who will truly understand and care.

5. Not being able to travel or live in NYC.

6. Not writing anymore.

7. Either losing my hair or it all turning white completely and never get the chance to try gooddyeyoung products.

8. Cancer diagnosis.

9. Becoming a legit potato.

10. Not coming across books again that will make me feel something.

11. Not enjoying sex.

12. Never being able to let go of the people from my past or becoming my old self again.

13. Entering any kind of romantic relationship and will realize that I don’t like being committed to a relationship and might hurt someone. Specially my parents who want grandchildren.

14. Not being able to get out of this place -my place.

15. Just talking but not doing anything to help the world.

16. Forgetting my dreams because it’s more convenient than chasing after them.

17. Slowly being apathetic.

18. Spending a major chuck of my life in traffic or in a line for girl’s restroom in public areas.

19. Always rushing.

20. Eating away all my hard-earned money.

21. No stable work and starve to death.

22. Finally deciding to find my escape route and feel guilty all my life for leaving my parents.

23. Pleasuring myself being alone and go mental and no one’s gonna be there to visit me in the asylum.

24. Forgetting the spelling of cat and apple.

25. Not being able to find purpose and gets tired trying and chasing.

In all honesty, I feel like floating all the time heading to neverending nowhere. I don’t think I could make it until 30. I don’t even know where the hell am I at this moment. I just slammed my body in this tiny bench with lined-up trees around.

Anyway, let’s just get into the very point of this blog, alright?

Japanese Literature

Facts about Japan:

Nippon – “Land of the Rising Sun”

Japan as a country has a past with its styles in its own tradition, in clothing, building, and foods. The name Japan came from the Chinese phrase meaning “the source of the sun.”The land of Japan is a low-based chain of islands over a thousand miles long. It has a total land area of 142, 247 sq. miles, with four main islands which are Hokkaido, Hanshu, Kyushu, and Shikoku. It is said that because of its shape, the people call their land “crystals dropped from the point of the creator’s spear.”

Japanese Literature is one of the major bodies of Oriental Literature. It is less voluminous than Chinese Literature but comparable to Arabic, Persian, and Indian Literature. It covers the period from the fifth century A.D to the present.

The written literature of Japan forms one of the richest of Oriental traditions. It has received foreign influences since its beginning in the 8th century. Before the middle of the 19th century, the source of influence was the culture of China. After the middle of the 19th century, the impact of modern Western culture became predominant.

Let us get to know the literary periods of Japanese literature including the authors and their works which contribute to the rich reservoir of Japan’s treasure.

Literary Periods

Japanese literature is divided into four periods: 1. Ancient Literature. Works were mostly dealt with legends and myths. 2. Classical Literature. The period where The Tale of Genji was written. 3. Medieval Literature. Literature was hugely influenced by civil wars and the emergence of the warrior class, resulting to the rise of war tales. 4. Modern Literature. It was marked by the emergence of new styles including romanticism.

Literary Works & Genres

Poetry is one of Japan’s oldest and well-known means of extension and communication. It includes the Manyoshu, Choka, Tanka, Renga, and Hokku.

Beside of poetry, novel, and drama that have long histories in Japan, but also some literary genres not so highly esteemed in other countries – like diaries, travel accounts, and books of random thoughts – are also prominent.

Works also include legends, myths, and war tales.

Notable Writers

Japan is a home to many prolific writers, including those who write fiction, nonfiction, poetry, and more. Few of the notable writers in Japan are Seami Motokiyo, The Haiku Poets (Basho, Buson, and Issa), Yasunari Kawabata, Tanizaki, Mishima, and a lot more.

Now, let me introduce you to one of Japanese Folktales. The folktale, “The Wise Old Woman” tells the story of a village where old people are taken to the mountains and left to die. One young farmer refuses to let his mother die, so instead he builds a secret basement in his home and hides his mother there for years.

After reading this myself, I came to point out the theme of the story: Our elders must receive love for they need it the most at such old age, respect for they are wise and have a lot of experiences and wisdom more than us who are only half their age, and appreciation because no matter how cruel we’ve been to them, they will still help us whole-heartedly in times of need.

Meet the famous poet of the Edo Period in Japan, Matsuo Basho.

During his lifetime, Basho was recognized for his works in the collaborative haikai no renga form. Today, after centuries of commentary, he is recognized as the greatest master of haiku.

A haiku is a three-line poem in which the first line has five syllables, the second line with seven syllables, and the final line with five syllables. In short, it has the 5-7-5 pattern. The lines in haiku may not necessarily rhyme but they usually create images.

The haiku is among the most ancient Japanese poetic forms. It usually contains somewhere a hint of one of the four seasons in Japan, love of nature and acceptance of life’s truths. It is short but full of meaning, often hidden from the reader.

Based on Basho’s three haikus, he didn’t have to lay on a summer grass to feel the unfulfilled dreams of the warriors; he just looks at it. He feels it by appreciating the nature. He wanted to share to us what his observations were about the natural world and would tell it and leave us spaces for self-questioning.

Want to have some more? Another literary piece written by one of the famous Japanese poet, Akutagawa Ryunusuke. Ryunusuke is prolific Japanese writer known especially for his stories based on events in the Japanese past and for his stylistic virtuosity. Akutagawa wrote almost all his central works in the ten years before his suicide. His early short pieces were carefully plotted historical tales, but toward the end of his short life, he focused more on his own emotional state and contemporary settings.

The publication in 1915 of his short story “Rashōmon” led to his introduction to Natsume Sōseki, the outstanding Japanese novelist of the day. With this influence in Japanese literature, he is regarded as the Father of Japanese Short Story. One of his stories is the famous, “The Spider Thread”.

The main character, Kandata, could relate to some people in the present time because there are certain circumstances that, like Kandata, we want things only for ourselves for instance money, love, attention, respect, blessings, material things, and etc. Because of this greed, we unconsciously and consciously violate our own rights and of the others. We tend to narrow our perspective, focusing it only for ourselves. However, some people are able to wake up from their long reverie and start thinking and doing the right thing, even if this would hurt their pride but at least they could enjoy the rest of their lives. And some are still bewitched by greed and money, thinking that the world revolves around them until everything they hoped for to not be lost will be gone forever.

There are some selections in the story of Akutagawa Ryunusuke that are worth it to go back to (just like what I do to people). Then, later on, I’ll explain the meaning of these selections and the reason why I picked them.

Literary Luminary #1

Sections/Lines/Quotations/Passages: “As you can imagine, those who had fallen this far had been so worn down by their tortures in the seven other hells that they could no longer had the strength to cry out.”

Meaning: When you’re exposed and experiencing great torture, it seems like your potential energy is fading out. When this happens, do you still even care what level of pain you’re getting and how much does it hurt you? No. there’s none to do but to numb yourself down, all exhausted that you’re not even trying to vent out the pain because it’s pointless.

Reason for the selection: I’m wondering why people are still pushing through in doing evil acts even though we were warned from the very start about the existence of hell. We do bad things in this life and as a sanction, we rot in hell. Do we like it that much that we suffer from great level of misery that we’re screwing our lives knowing that we are to screw ourselves even more after?

Literary Luminary #2

Sections/Lines/Quotations/Passages: Kandata screamed at them, “Listen to me, you sinners! This spider thread is mine! Who said you could climb it? Get off! Get off!”

Meaning: Kandata wanted the spider thread to be just for him. If the other sinners insist on climbing that thread, it will soon snap and all of them including Kandata will fall down. Being pressured and not knowing what to do, he started yelling at the other sinners to get off. He only wanted to be saved.

Reason for the selection: This selection had got me thinking that when we’re too desperate to survive a situation, it’s a natural response of our brain to only think of the ways how we can overcome it and get out of that situation, no matter what the cost is, even if it means abandoning some people and force them to let go.

Japanese literature expresses innumerous components of Japanese people. It expresses their gratitude towards traditions and their sympathy towards nature. Their early literature was greatly influenced by cultural contact with Chinese Literature. But, later on established their literature into a seperate style.

Trust me when I say that I tried my best to make this blog possible although my creativity had abandoned me a few days ago. I just wanted to lay in this bench forever. I’m not even sure what I want in life. What do I want? I want to leave and won’t be found no matter how hard they search for me. I will be wandering around towns and cities. I won’t settle in one place because I dread to be in new places that make my heart to pound hard that I’ll be catching for my breath.

I’ll find a job and resign after 3-4 months, and seek for another job. A waitress in a lowkey restaurant in the countryside or a journalist maybe? It won’t be that easy, I know. I will be meeting potential friends on the way to cure some of my loneliness. Spend quality time with them and when it’s time to go, I’ll walk away again with another ache (a bearable ache), but I have to proceed.

No, I’ll not be running away nor hiding from something. It’s just me being insatiable and fond in experimenting unexplainable things in life. I want to do things I’ve never done before; feel different emotions; even discover new kinds of emotions, if there are. The journey will be lonely, and it has to be that way.

But will I be truly happy if I do all these? Will I ever be contented if I stay here regretting but at least I get to be with my family and other important human beings? Can’t I just be both?

I had enough of this. Things are getting complicated on my mind, so I’m ending this blog with a deep sigh.

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wtf-is-jibea-writing · 4 years

Text

Day 20: “Fine, Walk Home Then”

Bea’s Entry

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Slap

That was the third time this night as we fought for what seemed like the hundredth time for this week alone. I cupped my cheek as I fought to keep the tears from streaming down my face. I was not going to let him have the satisfaction of seeing me cry again.

He was breathing hard which made him look bigger than he already was. I didn’t want to admit it, but I have grown to become terrified of him.

I don’t know when it started – the abuse, I mean. I don’t know what happened. When we first met, he was the epitome of chivalry and he never failed to tell me that he loved me. I loved him too. I would even go so far as to say that I had once thought he was the love of my life but at this point, I don’t even know what love is anymore or if I still love the man sitting beside me.

My mom had told me from the very start that I was very similar to her when it came to picking men and how he was very much like my father.

It wasn’t a compliment.

My father liked to paint different shades of violet and red all over my mom’s body and if that wasn’t enough for him, he’d do it to me and my sister too. He only ever hit us when he was drunk but ever since he lost his job and was unable to keep the follow jobs after that, the only times when he wasn’t intoxicated was when he was asleep or when the social worker came to check up on us due to various calls from our teacher about the bruises that were evident on my legs almost every single day.

My mother eventually left my father after ten years of that torture and we had thought that we were finally going to get a brand-new start or at least we hoped. It didn’t take my mother long to find someone new and there were so many men that walked in and out of our run-down apartment and so many she claimed to love that the definition of it started to seem blurry to me. In time, she found a guy and they had both convinced us that he was nowhere near the likes of my father.

Abi and I were still hopeful that all men weren’t like our father, but I think that was just pure desperation to have what most of our classmates had whenever there were events held at school. We both just really yearned for a family and we really thought we had that when Jim came into our lives. It was good for a couple of years. I guess you could even say we were happy – until we weren’t.

Though, it wasn’t a sudden change. It was something that slowly progressed over time and by the time we had noticed it, it was too late to do anything about by then. It had started off with him bringing his college friends over one night. My mother was skeptical about letting a few strangers in our house, but Jim had convinced her that they were good people and that they’d stay out in the patio. He introduced them to my mother who I guess took a liking to them since they started coming over more and more until it seemed like they were home more than we were.

“Are you fucking listening to me?” He asked me as he gripped my shoulders, stealing me away from my thoughts.

I hadn’t notice I had been picking my nails when I looked down and saw blood on my fingertips.

I looked back up at him. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath and punched the steering wheel. “Tell me who that asshole was earlier or I swear I’m going to make you walk home tonight.”

“That was my colleague,” I replied, leaning my head against the car window as I looked at the empty parking lot.

He laughed bitterly. “I know he’s more than that. I saw the way he was looking at you like you were some fresh fucking piece of meat.”

“Can we please stop this? He doesn’t mean anything to me, okay?” I sighed, not bearing myself to look at him. “Can we please go? I still have school tomorrow.”

He raised his hand and for a moment, I thought he was going to bash my head into the dashboard and for a moment, I was scared until I realized that I wanted him to.

He stayed silent for a while until he started the car and we finally exited the parking lot.

“I’m sorry,” He said, searching for my hand in the dark.

I looked at him this time and forced a smile. “It’s okay, but I promise you. He’s nothing more than a guy I work with, okay? Besides, I think he’s gay.”

He laughed for real this time and I desperately tried to hear the man I once fell in love with in that moment until I realized that this wasn’t the usual route back to my apartment.

I jolted up in my seat. “Where are we going? This isn’t the right way.”

“Babe, relax. I just wanted to take a short detour okay?” He said, a smirk forming on his lips.

“Why? You know it triggers my anxiety when you take me somewhere without telling me,” I said, looking around hastily for a landmark that may spark some familiarity within me.

“Is that shit even real? You talk about your anxiety and depression all the time, but maybe that’s just your way of asking for attention.” He shrugged. “You know, if you wanted it, you could have just dropped all that bullshit and asked for it.”

I felt my anger suddenly rising as I looked at him and all the hopes I once had earlier vanished as quick as they had appeared. “After all this time, do you honestly think I faked all my anxiety attacks? Do you think I cut myself just because I was seeking for attention?”

He sighed as he stopped on the side of the road and looked at me. “Look, babe, it’s not like that. I just think you were faking all that shit, okay?”

“Well, I’m not,” I said as calmly as I could because I didn’t want him angry again.

“Jesus! Chill out, Beth. I was only stating a very likely possibility,” He said, putting emphasis on very. “But I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”

“Can we just go?” I asked, tugging on my jacket.

I had only noticed where we currently were, and I could feel my heartbeat rapidly beating against my chest. I did not have a single clue as to where we may currently be as I took in the long trees surrounding us as if seemingly waiting for us to get out of the car so they could swallow us. The road was no longer cement but a path paved from the ground by vehicles that may have had to take this route – for what reason, I didn’t know since the road ahead of us seemed like a cascading array of trees. The road ahead seemed endless that if you looked long enough, the trees seemed to disappear leaving only the darkness to stare at and the possibility of what hides amidst it to play tricks with your mind.

It was all so terrifying but at the same time, it was also very familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger as to why. Have I been here before? Have I seen this place before?

I was interrupted from my thoughts when I felt something grip my thighs.

I yelped, surprised by his sudden change of emotions. “What are you doing?”

He started to come closer to me with a similar darkness apparent in his eyes. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier, babe. Let me make it up to you.”

“Stop.” I said, my voice becoming smaller with every inch that started to close between us. “I don’t want to do it right now. Please stop.”

“I know you want it as much as I do,” He said as he finally closed the gap between us.

I didn’t. I didn’t want it as much as he did. I didn’t even want it at all. I wanted to scream and push him away from me, but I didn’t want him to get angry and storm off, leaving me in this unknown area. I know he could do so because he’s done it before. Instead, I said nothing and waited until everything would start to get numb and he would get what he drove all this way for.

I closed my eyes as I felt his hands start to make his way underneath my shirt. I thought back to who he was several years earlier when his touch didn’t feel so foreign and how his presence didn’t make me want to run and vomit out of fear. I imagined the boy who held my hand at a party because my thoughts started to get the best of me and I started having a panic attack or the boy who held me in his arms as I cried after I had just received a call from the vet about my dog who had just died after a yearlong battle with cancer.

I felt tears streaming down my face and he must have thought that I had wanted more because I felt his hands start to search for the zipper on my jeans.

I looked at the window and I blinked my eyes hard because I thought I had just seen her.

When I opened my eyes, she was gone, and I hoped that the windows would start fogging so I couldn’t see outside anymore.

His hands finally found my zipper and he had just started to undo them when my eyes darted back to the window again and I saw her.

It was only for a split second, but I saw her disheveled brown hair, her favorite nightgown and her eyes. Her eyes looked just like they had looked that night – so blue but also so incredibly full of fear.

I jumped back, suddenly wanting to go as far away from this place as possible.

“You fucking bitch!” He screamed.

I hadn’t realized that I had accidentally hit him until I saw him touch his left cheek which was now red.

“I’m sorry! I thought I saw something. I didn’t mean to-“ I tried to reach for him when he suddenly punched my arm.

He punched my arm again before he reached for my neck. “I’m going to fucking kill you.”

I started to lose the ability to breathe but I was more scared of the very likely chance that he would leave me here to die.

He finally let go after what felt like a century and I instinctively reached for my neck where I knew there would later be a bruise, but I’ve been in this predicament so many times now that it didn’t seem to faze me anymore.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t be angry.” I cried, reaching out for him.

He immediately pulled back. “Don’t touch me, you fucking slut.”

I was taken aback. “Why am I a slut?”

“You flirt with that asshole back at the party and since you couldn’t have him, you wanted to play fucking games with me,” He said, his voice rising again.

“I didn’t flirt with him and I wasn’t playing games with you,” I pleaded, reaching for him again when he yanked my hair.

“You’re disgusting and pathetic,” He said as he reached for my neck once again. “I should leave you here to die.”

“Please, don’t.” I cried. “How am I supposed to get back?”

“Walk home.”

“Please. I love you. Please don’t do this to me.”

“You fucking liar.”

I didn’t know what had happened afterwards because everything started to become blurry.

The next thing I knew, I could feel him carrying me and the cold air blew into my face causing a shiver to go down my spine. I tried to open my eyes, but I couldn’t. I don’t know why but it felt like something was prohibiting me from doing so and I blacked out again.

Once I woke up, I could finally feel my eyes start to open but once they were, all I could see were darkness.

It was the kind of darkness wherein it was hard to decipher whether your eyes were really open or not.

I looked around the area for him and the headlights of his car.

Maybe he’s playing a joke on me. It’s not funny but I’ll forgive him. I’ll forgive him.

I could feel my feet start to bolt until I realized that there was really no escape. He had actually done it. He really left me here to die.

My legs were the first ones to give up. I start to feel the tears forming in my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I actually let them fall. I cried for my mother who has encountered possession in the form of love so many times in her lifetime that the line that separates them both were almost near invisible to her. I cried for myself and the future that I could have had if Jim hadn’t entered our lives. I cried for Abi and her desperation for a family that it cost her her life.

I had been crying for what seemed like a periodically long time when I heard footsteps behind me.

I looked up and I saw a figure emerging from behind the trees.

“Who’s there?” I asked as I immediately stood up from the ground.

I frantically searched for any weapon that I could use to defend myself. I found a big rock near me and while it may not do much damage, it was better than nothing.

The figure said nothing as it started to make its way towards me.

“Don’t come any closer. I have a weapon in my hand,” I said as fearlessly as I could muster.

The figure didn’t stop at once and I started to sense the need to run but my feet seemed glued to the ground.

The figure stopped and under the light of the moon, it may look like any other person but I knew those eyes anywhere.

Abi.

“No!” I cried, falling to the ground. “You’re dead! I saw you.”

She didn’t say anything but instead, she started to come towards me yet again but this time, I could feel my legs spring to life.

I ran.

I ran as far away from her and as fast as my legs could take me.

She’s dead.

I know it.

I remember that night so clearly like it was yesterday, because it still haunts my dreams until this very day.

My mother had informed us earlier that night that she was stuck at work, but that she would be home as soon as she could. Abi and I were delighted because it meant that we could stay up longer than usual and we had made plans to read a magazine she said she had bought from the mall, but I know that was a lie. She had picked up this habit of getting things that weren’t hers, but I let it go since I hadn’t notice her take any of my things. We were about to get the magazine when Jim went inside my room and asked us if we wanted to go on a drive with him and his friends.

I could sense that something was off, so I declined. Abi, on the other hand, thought that this would be a good chance to bond with him and decided to go despite my disapprovals. I stayed up all night waiting for her and until what seemed like forever, I heard a car by our driveway.

Thinking it was my mother, I hid under my covers and pretended to be asleep in fear of being scolded for still being up so late at night. No one came in my room that night and after a few minutes of pretending to be asleep, I eventually fell asleep for real.

I woke up in the middle of the night and ran towards Abi’s room and what greeted me first were her blue eyes. The first thing I noticed was how scared they looked.

I fell to the floor as I stared at my younger sister who was hanging from her ceiling fan in her favorite nightgown.

A few months after, we had found out that one of Jim and his friends had took advantage of my sister that night. Apparently, they took turns passing her around like she was some sort of doll. The police eventually caught them, and they stood trial for their sins. They were given a sentence of one year.

I was too distracted replaying the events of the night my sister died when I hadn’t noticed a log in my path. My feet collided with it and I eventually succumbed to gravity as I fell over and landed on a patch of dirt.

I looked behind me and when I didn’t see anyone following me, I started to calm down a bit and I had just noticed the scrapes on my knees when I noticed what had been the cause of my fall.

It wasn’t a log at all.

It was me.

I looked at my hands and then back at the lifeless body again and sure enough, it was definitely me, but I didn’t seem to be moving. My head was filled with blood and my neck and arms were covered in bruises.

I was going to go near it when I noticed a figure beside me.

“Is that me?” I asked the figure.

I was afraid.

I was afraid of who or what was beside me but I was also afraid of the fact that I was currently looking at my lifeless body.

The figure said nothing as I noticed it come closer to me.

Suddenly, the events from earlier that night came back to me.

I remembered him hiding me here after I blacked out. He was looking around the area and muttering about where to hide my body when I woke up.

He jumped up, clearly startled and picked up a rock nearby and hit me repeatedly with it.

“I’m-“ I stopped because regardless of what I said, nothing could change the fact that I was dead.

I felt hands on both of my shoulder and I spun around and I was faced with the sight of my sister.

She looked the same but not the same.

She looked exactly like she did when I found her that night but there was something different about her. I just didn’t know what.

“I’m sorry”, I cried.

Her face didn’t change as she raised a hand and put a bony fingertip on my forehead.

Everything suddenly went black.

***

Slap

“Are you fucking listening to me?” He asked me, gripping my shoulders.

I looked down at the blood on my fingernails and looked back at him. “Yeah. I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath and punched the steering wheel. “Tell me who that asshole was earlier or I swear I’m going to make you walk home tonight.”

#halloween #day20 #day #20 #october2020 #october 2020 #october #2020 #writing challenge #writing #challenge

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allenmendezsr · 4 years

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The Acid Reflux Strategy

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The Acid Reflux Strategy

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“So, you thought your acid reflux was just innocent annoyance?” my doctor asked.

Then, looking me straight in the eyes, he added…

“You were DEAD wrong!”

I wasn’t sure if the pun was intended.

My wife’s shivering hands squeezed mine as tears ran down her chin.

“Don’t worry. We’ll get through this,” she sobbed…maybe more to convince herself than me.

Frozen with fear, I couldn’t speak.

Only one thought circled through my mind: “I’m too young to die!”

You don’t anticipate this kind of shock when seeking medical advice for acid reflux, do you?

Yes, heartburn makes your life miserable. It robs you of sleep, ruins your meals, and embarrasses you with burp and gas outbursts in the worst places.

At worst, you fear ulcer, which is, of course, horrible.

But death — you don’t expect that!

If you frequently suffer heartburn, you should, however, prepare for the worst.

I tell you why…

Not being able to sleep that night, I googled the health risks of acid reflux.

What I found was terrifying.:

Recent studies prove that acid reflux is the number one cause of not just one or two, but SIX types of fatal cancers (4).

And we’re talking strong connection.

Heartburn increases your risk of…

cancer in the larynx by 286%;

cancer in the hypopharynx by 254%;

cancer in the oropharynx by 247%;

cancer in the tonsils by 214%;

cancer in the nasopharynx by 204%;

cancer in the sinuses by 140%.

Sum it all up, and you’re 1345% more likely to get one of these six cancers than does a person who doesn’t suffer heartburn.

One thousand, three hundred, and forty five percent.

That’s a lot!

“Acid reflux is more dangerous than smoking,”

…the researchers concluded.

Millions of people die every year because they don’t take their heartburn seriously enough.

And there I was, ready to be another name on a grave.

It wasn’t my fault, really!

I’ll explain in a second how I finally got rid of my acid reflux using a simple home remedy that takes only four or five minutes to make.

You most likely have all the ingredients sitting in your kitchen. So, if you want, you should be able to take the first sip within 10 minutes from NOW.

Had I known about this remedy before, I would not have received the dire news that day.

But with what I knew then, I couldn’t have done much differently!

Like most people suffering heartburn, I was loading up on proton pump inhibitors (PPI), medications thinking they were safe.

Well, they are not.

According to a study from Washington University in St. Louis, PPI drugs increase your risk of dying within a year by a terrifying 50% (1).

Another study published in the Journal of the American Heart Association (2) proved that PPI pills drastically increase your risk of stroke.

And, in a new study from the University of Hong Kong and University College London published in the peer-reviewed journal Gut (6), these same drugs were found to double your risk of stomach cancer.

Maybe worst of all: They also double your risk of kidney disease.

Hey, I can live with stomach ulcers, but I can’t live without my kidneys or stomach.

Other heartburn medications, such as antacids and H2 blockers (such as Tums and Zantac), may or may not be a little bit safer. However, numerous studies have also found a row of life-threatening side effects from these drugs.

Putting it bluntly:

It’s a matter of life and death that you naturally address your acid reflux immediately today.

Don’t put it off another day!

Plus, these drugs cost a fortune…

When my insurance company stopped copaying for my medication a few years back, I had to shuffle out over $5000 a year for heartburn prescriptions.

Even after I turned to cheaper over-the-counter PPIs, I was still paying close to $2000 a year for drugs that were actually murdering me.

Okay, finally, some good news:

Additional testing luckily revealed that my cancer diagnosis was a false alarm — “false positive,” they called it.

At that point, however, I was informed enough to realize I had gotten a second chance at life…

…but it wouldn’t last long unless I cured my acid reflux as soon as possible.

PPI and other heartburn medications only temporarily mask the symptoms. They do not cure your acid reflux or GERD.

Therefore, they do nothing to protect you from dying from cancer and other causes.

In fact, they drastically increase your risk of dying.

So, I knew I had to handle my acid reflux naturally…

…which is easier said than done.

The Internet is full of well-meaning tips for acid reflux.

I’m sure you’ve tried everything from baking soda to just carrying around Tums everywhere you go.

When other common wisdom, such as sleeping sitting up, not eating spicy food, and avoiding sugar, chocolates, and tomato sauce, is to no avail, you are running out of options, aren’t you?

So, you get what I was facing.

Finally, my luck changed when a friend referred me to a man named Scott Davis.

Scott is somewhat of a legend in the natural health research field.

He has come up with solutions for numerous health issues the traditional medical system has no answer for.

Among those are acid reflux and GERD disease.

At the age of 84, he dedicated most of his time to research and was not seeing many people in person.

In fact, he seemed quite irritated having to deal with such a mundane issue as my acid reflux.

You see, for someone like you and me, who have endured the pain of acid reflux for so long, curing it deserves the Nobel Prize and its million-dollar award, right?

Scott, however, had helped so many people with heartburn, it had become an old hat.

It wasn’t a challenge for him anymore.

He only helped me because my friend was Scott’s nephew, and really expressed how desperate I was.

Well, he did charge me $200 for a 30-minute session, which I, at that time, thought was kind of a rip-off.

That is until I realized how effective his method is.

In fact, this is the best investment I have made…

…not just because of my health but also because I’m saving almost $2000 every year in medications.

I don’t mind effortlessly banking extra 2000 bucks a year… Would you?

That’s one 1000% return on investment every year — beat that, Wall Street.

But obviously, saving my health and life was my only motivation that day.

Scott told me that the three-step system he had developed works for pretty much anyone, and if I followed it in detail, it would help me too.

“Let’s see,” I thought to myself, quite skeptical.

As Scott gently shuffled me out the door, he gave me a printout of 43 pages listing the three steps he wanted me to take.

Part one was his “quick fix,” – including his simple acid reflux remedy.

I could make the remedy right away, as it included only three ingredients I already had in my kitchen.

I was amazed to feel the pain melt away!

That night, I slept through without any bloating, burbling, or throat burning for the first time in decades.

Imagine the joy of waking up the next day feeling great. No gasping for air and spitting up acid before breakfast.

I made the formula again in the morning, and the whole day passed without any reflux.

This was great!

Several days and nights passed without any heartburn issues. I drank a glass of the formula two to three times a day.

And it was keeping my stomach in great shape.

Sometimes, I would add one or two of the extra herbs Scott recommended to boost the effectiveness of his remedy even further.

Herbs number six and nine on his list were especially effective, and I could get them from any supermarket along with the other ingredients.

The best part was being able to eat and drink anything I wanted (even fattening and heavy comfort food, which can really cause heartburn).

I could have coffee in the morning, a glass of red wine in the evening, and even a bit of spicy food for lunch (I didn’t dare try spicy for dinner.).

Heck, I had even forgotten that a sip of Bourbon wasn’t supposed to be painful.

All I did was make sure that I had a shot of Scott’s remedy when I knew I was going to eat or drink something that I shouldn’t.

Every day, I felt powerful and full of energy and focus.

This was amazing because I had tried literally hundreds of home remedy recipes before I met Scott.

The Internet is full of those recipes.

I’m sure Scott’s remedy has been ripped off somewhere (although I haven’t seen it anywhere else). But you’d have to literally go through thousands of failures before finding it (if you ever do).

Some of those online remedies I tried helped a little for a few days, but they always stopped working.

Others made my pain worse.

Scott’s remedy has never failed me.

That’s except when I failed Scott!

What do I mean by “failing Scott?”

You know what happens when we get a good thing going. We too quickly forget the hard times.

And, little by little, I began to forget taking the remedy.

I would run out of the ingredients or forget to take it with me when traveling.

Or, most idiotic of it all: Sometimes, I thought I didn’t have five minutes to spare to make it.

Imagine having a remedy that you know would eliminate your acid reflux every time, and you just decide in your mind that it’s not worth five minutes to make it.

Well, my brain is obviously not the brightest.

And that was okay for a few days…

…until one night, when the reflux assaulted me with full force again.

As luck would have it — it was exactly a night spent in a hotel, where I had none of the ingredients needed.

Worst night of my life!

Most of it was spent with my head in the toilet.

That’s when I got it:

Just like prescription medications, the remedy was dealing only with the symptoms.

It is, of course, natural and not causing any side effects.

But no matter how effective it was, it wasn’t curing my acid reflux.

I had promised Scott not to get stuck with the remedy and also take the two other steps in his system.

Well, this night reminded me of that promise.

And the hours that passed before I could get to a supermarket and buy the ingredients for the formula nailed that memory in deeply.

When I got home, I immediately began working Scott’s program for real.

The next step was to give my stomach a break.

It wasn’t enough to use the mixture that soothed my stomach.

I actually had to cut out the foods that were triggering it.

Scott had given me a list of foods to look out for, followed by a long list of delicious foods that are good and soothing for the stomach.

I got it all wrong before.

Okay, I knew about sugar, spicy foods, tomatoes, and many of the other obvious trigger foods.

But I had no idea about most of the things on Scott’s lists.

And here is the thing nobody tells you about acid reflux diets:

It is NOT about avoiding certain TYPES of foods.

It’s the food combinations in your meals that are much more important.

Scott taught me six simple fundamentals for food combination for acid reflux.

Using these fundamentals, I’m actually able to eat lots of foods that previously would have caused terrible bloating attacks.

I just avoid combining these “bad foods” with other foods that promote heartburn.

And finally, the third step…

The huge misunderstanding about stress and acid reflux:

You know the saying: “having a knot in the stomach” when someone is stressed or in dread.

It’s no wonder because when you are stressed or anxious, you feel it in your guts, right?

It’s like your intestines are twisted and turned?

Now, when acid reflux bloats your stomach, it tricks your body into thinking you’re under major stress — even when there is nothing to stress about (other than the pain, of course).

This triggers your brain to release a ton of stress hormones. This causes you to feel even more stressed, which again gives you that knot-in-the-stomach feeling and triggers acid reflux.

It’s a vicious circle of heartburn and stress.

That’s why traditional stress management doesn’t ease acid reflux.

Scott, meanwhile, taught me four powerful techniques, each of which taking only two to three minutes and focuses on the mind/stomach relationship.

I began using these techniques anytime I sensed a small tension in my stomach.

And the results were remarkable:

Over and over again, tensions that would have transformed into full-blown reflux before would melt away as I did the stress release exercises.

All I was left with were this great energy flow and light joy in my guts.

Scott is phenomenal!

Combining Scott’s simple mixture, his food plan, and his easy stress relief techniques when needed gave my guts a much-needed rest.

Over the coming weeks, I began experiencing a flow of energy in my guts that I hadn’t felt before.

The heaviness and pressure I would usually have after eating were gone.

Instead, I felt uplifted and energized.

At some point, choosing the right food and food combination became second nature. I don’t even think about it anymore.

Plus, it doesn’t matter if I cheat a little once in a while. It doesn’t send me into full-blown heartburn.

When going out to eat and I know I’m going to consume something I shouldn’t, I take four or five minutes to brew up Scott’s remedy and experience no heartburn problems.

Best of all: I feel like a normal person again.

It’s such a relief not dreading going out with friends because you are that weird guy who can’t eat or drink the same as others.

I can order normally without having to interrogate the waiter about the ingredients in the food.

And I can have a drink or two without fretting the night.

Now, it’s your turn…

Recently, Scott began working with natural health publishing company Blue Heron Health News to spread his knowledge.

They published the same three-step strategy Scott gave me:

Take the simple home remedy (plus the 11 herbs that supercharge it) to stop acid reflux in its tracks.

Identify the foods and the food combinations that trigger acid reflux.

Address the “knot in the stomach” using simple stress relief techniques.

In addition, he included a chapter specifically focused on pregnant women and acid reflux.

Another chapter focuses on infants and children experiencing heartburn.

I highly recommend Scott’s strategy for anyone suffering from acid reflux, GERD, or heartburn.

So, how much does Scott’s Acid Reflux Strategy cost?

The icing on the cake:

Unless you completely eliminate your acid reflux, heartburn, GERD, or whatever else you call it, you end up paying NOTHING…

..unlike dangerous prescriptions or medications that suck $3000, $5000, or even $8000 every year (and attempt to murder you in the process),

…cheaper, over-the-counter versions digging you into a $1000–$2000-hole year after year—and actually make you sick,

…or even natural remedies that may not cause side effects but most often don’t help either (and rob you of several hundreds or thousands in the process).

Not even the $200 Scott charges for a 30-minute session (if you are lucky enough to get one).

Nope.

As much as Scott knows how effective his system is, he doesn’t want to sell it to anyone unless he’s 100% sure it will help them.

After all, you are not wasting his personal time like I was.

Even though he that knows you…

might be spending your life savings on dangerous, ineffective herbs and medications

are at tremendous risk of dying from cancer and liver damage due to your acid reflux.

are suffering every day and night…

… he still knows that you might hesitate to try his system if you are required to shell out a huge amount of money.

And let’s be honest…

I’m sure Scott could provide you with hundreds of testimonials from people who had similar results as I did, but how do you know whether they’re true?

He could also bore you with thousands of pages of scientific studies proving different aspects of his acid reflux strategy, but you might still doubt it will work for you.

The only way you can find out for sure whether Scott’s three-step strategy will work for your acid reflux is if you try it out for yourself.

So…

Here is how you can try the Acid Reflux Strategy for free:

After you click the button below, you’ll be charged a small, one-time, fully refundable deposit.

I think that’s fair, as that is your commitment to giving Scott’s strategy your best shot. Without it, this would just be another one of those free online information nobody gives any weight to.

It also guarantees that Scott gets a little gratitude from those who benefit from his strategy. And he does deserve some gratitude if he helps you heal your acid reflux, doesn’t he?

Okay…

Immediately after you submit your deposit, you’ll be redirected to a page where you get full access to Scott’s strategy.

Start by making the simple home remedy.

You most likely have all the ingredients in your kitchen already.

So, within 10 minutes from NOW, you can have your first sip.

Imagine the relief if your acid reflux was gone TODAY!

If you would sleep through the night without gasping for air, stomach cramps, or throat burning and wake up without upset stomach burping (or even throwing up)…

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Whether you experience complete relief tonight or not, I recommend you drink Scott’s remedy every day for a few days.

Then, you can move on to steps two and three in his strategy.

Now, if you don’t experience the same amazing results as I did, or if you’re, for whatever reason, not completely thrilled with the strategy (Maybe you don’t like the font type.), then I’m truly sorry.

In that case, just send the team at Blue Heron Health News a quick email, and they’ll immediately refund your deposit. No questions asked.

You can use the contact link at the bottom of this page or reply to the confirmation email you will receive with your order.

Scott Davis and Blue Heron Health News put their +40 years of great reputation in the natural health biz on the line, guaranteeing you will be thrilled with either your order or refund.

You have 60 days to ask for your deposit back, which means you can thoroughly test out the 3-Step Acid Reflux Strategy.

If you ask for a refund (I don’t think anyone has ever asked. At the least, it’s very rare.), you come out even. Lose nothing.

But if you manage to cure your acid reflux… just imagine the money you’ll save on medications every year.

We are talking pocketing extra $1000, $4000, or even $8000 every single year — tax-free.

That’s the greatest return on investment I can think of — with zero risk (because if it doesn’t work, you lose nothing).

But it has to happen today!

Why?

It’s bad enough to go through another agonizing day with acid reflux when you know there is something that could help you, isn’t it?

Not being able to eat anything you like

Being kept up half the night with a burning throat and a bloated stomach

Having an almost guaranteed ulcer down the road (if not already)

These are bad enough on their own.

But add to this the knowledge that your heartburn is putting you at over one thousand three hundred percent increased risk of six types of fatal cancers.

1300%

That makes it pretty likely that you will get one of those cancers if you don’t tackle your heartburn today.

Plus, knowing that the common medications available for acid reflux cause kidney failure, stroke, dementia and stomach cancer.

Worst of all: This can happen any day!

One minute, you’re fine. The next, you’re coughing blood and rushing to a hospital with stage five throat cancer.

And you know that as you’re lying in the ambulance, you will be thinking you should have done something about your acid reflux sooner.

You know you will!

You still have time today, unlike at that point, it will be too late.

The time to act is NOW!

It’s an ugly truth, but it has to be said.

So, why don’t you click the order button below now and begin addressing your acid reflux within minutes?

You risk nothing and have your life and health to gain.

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