#(which i didnt really plan for but not mad at these consequences)

[aces-and-angels]

#5/14 is enids day bc when you add 5+1+4 together you get a 10 #(which i didnt really plan for but not mad at these consequences) #ANYWAYS #happy bday to my lady in law #playchoices #choices #if yall remember those id card edits i made some time ago the first 4 digits on the card were everyones bday #enid mendoza #park & davis #laws of attraction #into the windverse

[ivanzplaid]

Can I have some head cannons for Otis Driftwood, The Grabber, Thomas Hewitt and the Sinclair brothers if you write for them with a male s/o who whenever they do something wrong, break something, set a boundary etc they start apologizing profusely kind of in fear due to past partners? I understand if this is kinda too dark

TYSMM🫶🫶 i love this sm, of course i can do those! but fr thank you for this request, its refreshing to have not just a grabber request, and dw, this isnt too dark, ive done worse 🫡 and x male readers r my fave to write for!!

i dont know how to feel abt these so they might be ooc but i hope not too much, i need to get a feel for them more💔 this made me watch house of wax and i found out i love bo LMFAOO

alsooo, i reached 200 followers!! tysmm!!!! i have smth planned, sooo if youd like smth written, ask and ill tell yall what im thinkin

requests r open, masterlist is up!!! these motivate me ilyg :)

Warnings: Murder mentions, Slight language / anger, mainly fluff

------------------------------------------------------------

Otis Driftwood

my god he is just head over heels for you, but will make snarky comments to cover it up, doesnt want to show it alot so hes compensates

youve been living with him for a while now, he is so happy to have you, when its just you two he sarcastically tells you how much you mean to him, and will hold you protectively

he is a very protective man

he never really made you feel self conscious about fucking something up, he might make fun of you lightly or let out a "oh for fucks sake" before cleaning jt up, but he was normally just sarcastic, never staying pissed

one night, yall were asleep on his bed together, his arm rested nicely against your stomach, fitting perfectly

you got thirsty, so you carefully maneuvered yourself to get up

its so fucking dark in his room, you cannot see shit

not even two steps off the bed, you hit something, and it clatters to the floor

you can already feel the tears swelling up as you breath faster

you knew what you knocked over

otis's painting he was working on

even just thinking about the consequences made you sob quietly while standing there, afraid to wake him up

this however did wake him up, hearing his boyfriend cry when he was asleep made his senses heightened, all he heard from your dark figure was a small "im so sorry, please dont be mad, i didnt mean to" which was paused by hiccups & sniffling frequently

"what the fuck- oh, oh shit. hey handsome, its alright, just sit over here and tell me why the crying?"

rubs your back, hands & shoulder a lot as you tell him, hes tired and just wants to make you feel better, but the more you sob & talk, the more curious he gets, so he pops the question

"why the hell are you saying sorry so much?"

he didnt mean to put it like that, he knows it was an accident, but his phrasing isnt always the best

however, he is wide awake once youve explained everything, your past, your ex, what they did, and as he sits there quietly listening, he is only seeing red

he thinks so highly of you, why the fuck would anyone do this to you?

he wants the names of them, he is determined to come across them, and inflict nothing short of torture, you didnt deserve any of that

he'll lay off on his famous comments, respecting what he just learned, he doesnt want to lose you, so he adapts his usual demeanor so you arent afraid of him, true fear is reserved for his victims

he praises you a lot since learning it, reassuring you quietly & in his own little ways

he does his best to understand, word will get around the family, and everyone understands, mama is literally so sympathetic towards you & baby likes to talk shit alot abt them with your permission

"I'm so sorry Otis, this is all my fault,"

"Hey there prettyboy, its fine, no need for the crying here!"

//

The Grabber

he is all ears

obviously he has a short temper, but if you get a chance to talk, or to explain yourself, he changes immediately

holding you close, stroking your hair, kissing your forehead

you mightve broken a plate, or smashed a bottle, but he assured you he is going to clean it up, and to mind your steps so you dont cut yourself anywhere

just like otis he wants to hurt them, he should be the only one to make you cry, make you hurt, but not like this

"youre still a good boy, it was a mistake! mistakes are inevitable my dove."

setting a boundary after hearing your past will make him more lenient, easing up on whatever it is, wanting to make you feel more loved by him than anyone else

will be happy you shared this with him, in his mind hes satisfied youre trusting him more! what a fun day!

thinks no differently of you after you shared this, hes happy his boyfriend is comfortable around him, hes happy youre in his life, and now he knows how to please you more!

"Al, thank you for.. understanding everything, its a lot I know, but-"

"You are special, peach. I would do anything to make you comfortable in our home."

//

Bo Sinclair

being a good boyfriend and setting aside his asshole tendencies

he is doing his best, and his best is actually pretty ok

you might've accidentally messed up his workspace, or made some type of boundary, but no matter what, he shows you the upmost respect, at first he was going to tease you, but seeing how upset you were made him pause

"Darlin', don't put too much thought into it, I promise ya I didn't take it to heart,"

he puts an arm around your shoulder or cups your cheek in his hand, rubbing circles on your skin, one of the few times he shows an excessive amount of pda

he follows your boundaries immediately, no questions or doubts about it, will curse to himself if he accidentally crosses it

if you try to apologize profusely, he will first tell you that its fine, hes not angry, kissing your cheek, but if you keep on going, hes going to make you know its fine, whatever he sees fit is what he'll do, he wants you to know he wont hurt or make you feel bad, may get internally frustrated but he cuts it out fast

i can see him at night, once every blue moon, slow dancing with you to show how much he loves you, and how youre still his #1 even after mistakes, this is a rare moment for the both of you, cherish it, but he will be picking the music

king of knowing when youre upset but he will wait to see how upset you are, can read you easily so he has an idea of what to do

hearing your boundaries makes him understand you more, he is may act like a dick, but will take a moment out of his day and listen to what you need to feel loved

bribes lester to see if he can get the ex into town to get his hands on them

"This is alot, I shouldn't be so sensitive about these things,"

"Sweets, this helps me love you more,"

//

Vincent Sinclair

#1 boyfriend right here

he will gaze into your eyes as you talk about it or apologize

wants to hold you ( if youre alright with it ) while you tell him

saying sorry to him makes him feel bad for some reason, he knows you didnt mean to make the mistake, he doesnt want you to hurt

might aswell dream abt making them a wax figure but discarding them, they arent good enough to be put anywhere

if you happen to break something in his little spot, he will think of how it can be replaced, knows how to calm himself down easily so he can communicate with you ( to the best of his abilities )

healthy relationship🙏 ( the most caring you could get for a sinclair brother )

is not afraid to show you how he isnt mad at you, likes for you to spend time with him, sitting while he works, or if you dont prefer that, then having you around while he works with the wax, or just taking a walk with him to calm you down

is a little taken aback at how much youre apologizing, very curious man

will give you things taken from victims, no remorse, less wax, win-win!

//

Lester Sinclair

he.. tries his best

he listens, he focuses on you and nods, showing you that he is in fact paying attention

he does not have the best memory ever, please remind him, he will remember instantly and apologize

"Sorry toots, my memory is a little faded,"

he is so sincere though, he means good intentions

whenever you begin to over apologize he suggests taking a car ride with him, or finding a nice place to sit in peace so you two can talk it out

goofiest damn smile, warms the heart

he can communicate pretty well, better than bo

if you let him, he'll lay down with you while putting an arm around your shoulder, saying how good of a boyfriend you are, how happy he is with you, mainly words of affirmation

really just wants to make you happy, he will do anything

"I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.."

"Wanna take a ride, maybe outta here for a bit?"

-------------------------------------------

im too tired to release a fic tonight, but ill post one tmrw for the requests im getting dw!! again, i cannot tell if this is ass or not so all notes r lit🫡

requests r opennn masterlist is uppp🫶

#the grabber #the grabber x reader #black phone #lester sinclair #lester sinclair x reader #lester sinclair x you #house of wax #house of wax x reader #bo sinclair #bo sinclair x reader #bo sinclair x you #vincent sinclair #vincent sinclair x reader #vincent sinclair x you #horror movies #x male reader

[fragmentating]

I dont think I've seen many discussions of this project or the similar ones this author discusses in other articles on here yet, which really is a shame and I reccomend everyone read it especially if you, like me, sometimes struggle with being asked "so what are alternative ways of treating people in crisis"

Under the cut is some very personal ramblings about how I stumbled over this article and how it felt reading it for the first time in a fairly vulnerable state. Tw for abuse mentions, drugs, your fairly normal mad life shit. This is the most personal writing I have ever created on this overall topic, so I would really appreciate if any of you would give it your time of day, thanks..!

As an introduction I have to begin with this: I recently quit being a consumer. I was always a survivor, but I clung to anti psychotics for a couple years of adulthood because it felt preferable to the insomnia I'd find myself with without, and a nice little blanket of nothingness in the saved pills in those extra stressful moments. Whenever I'd quit, I'd come back sometime later again. Last time it was being desperate to quit getting excessively drunk every night. And the closed psych ward I checked myself into, because I genuinely was not capable of controlling my drinking at home in any way at all, starting me on seroquel once again. Neither helped me achieve sobriety long term (not really surprising to myself, but not the point of this, honestly). Rather I kept risking my health even more by consuming both on many nights after being back home. But the warnings sort of stop feeling real too. I mean, I've done this a few hundred times for sure by now. What really pushed me over the edge, was my tardive dyskenesia (tics) worsening and worsening, even after switching to another anti psychotic hoping itd stop the progression getting back on seroquel was causing. Sometimes they're painful. That's the worst. I was originally planning on trying another pill my friend had reccomended who was currently staying in rehab, hearing me lament my lack of sleep without this medication I didn't want anymore. he gave me the email address of the psych giving it to him that I could access through the outpatient services at the clinic for addiction by using the right keywords. It would've been easy.

But I never wrote that mail. Instead, after getting my last refill of Perazine, from that asshole psych who also misgendered me so aggressively and consequently, didnt matter that I legitimately already had changed my gender marker a year earlier... that refill was supposed to last me the next 3 months, and I halfheartedly tapered it off for 2 or 3 weeks. The thought of seeing his face again made me sick. This was now nearly exactly a month ago. I have felt no desire to write that email.

I didnt experience any of the common withdrawal symptoms I heard so much about, only after quitting completely, there was a very short bout of very confusing feelings, sensations, beliefs. The usual. I've been there, medicated or not. I made it through without reaching for a pill again. 3 days, max, then it was over. But suddenly I stopped sleeping, for up to 50 hours at a time. After about a week of that, I finally found someone online say insomnia can be a withdrawal symptom of quitting anti psychotics. I genuinely never heard of that before ? (But to be fair, maybe at some point I did, and the perazin and seroquel and others just made it drip off my longterm memory like teflon.) Either way, could it have been that every time I went running back for (sometimes way less bad) insomnia after quitting, it was actually fucking withdrawals? I thought I could probably keep this up for a few months until starting my new / first job. Unemployed people have an easier time staying up 50 hours at a time because we can simply collapse into bed at 9am after those and sleep all day. By now I'm mostly down to 30 hours at a time. Theres issues still, sure, but the quick progress is making me excited. I might never sleep perfectly normal, but at this point, I'd take that any day over daily substances.

What happened exactly, aside from the insomnia? I ran out of my weed a couple weeks earlier. Lost my hookup at the same time, so I decided, you know what, let me just not get something for a while, I'm not in the mood to look for something new rn. I was still drinking weekly with friends, but then they got sick for a while, and I only got drunk by myself once or twice that entire time. and somehow realized it wasnt actually my favorite alone-time substance anymore, that was weed. But I didn't have weed. So I just tried. And tried. And it mostly worked out. I stopped thinking about it. Had a small run in with cough syrup we dont talk about. And then I quit the perazine. I was terrified. This was the thing keeping all the other cravings at bay, right? It didnt make sense. I hadn't been "unmedicated" for more than a few weeks since the last 8 years. If I was out of pills, I'd turn to weed or alcohol or both. But nothing really happened this time. Because I stopped running from my feelings.

Slowly I started noticing it. There were so many things I was suddenly reacting to emotionally. Joy, pain, grief, connection, ... I never thought of myself as particularly numb before, but in comparison? It's hard to describe. It felt like every day further into getting off the perazine I felt more like myself. But how did I know it was me? It was someone I had never met before. I hadn't met adult me, ever. All I knew was abused kid me, abused teen me. It was me because now I felt alive in every little thing. Suddenly insomnia feels a lot less awful when you're having it by yourself, someone so novel but comforting. But with good emotions come bad. Suddenly I was crying curled up in a ball about memories from my most traumatic first institutionalization as a teen that I used to talk about like it was a fun little anecdote. There I felt it. "Go take one of your pills. 100m should probably be enough, maybe 150?" I wish I could say I did something super healthy. But I went for a cigarette cause I was really craving one, the breakdown had sort of delayed my usual midnight smoke. That turned into looking at the stars with music on my headphones for a bit. Back in bed I actually had forgotten about the pills again. Instead I opened up Google and typed in "psych abuse survivor". I was looking for something akin to a forum, I believe. But Nothing, really. A few term definitions on Wikipedia. Im no stranger to this internet search. And internet searches about anti psychiatry, anti psychotics, drug interactions, the name of the place I was institutionalized at. Every couple months I check if someone finally burned it down. And About to give up I saw the link to this article. And I opened it. Newly me, newly free to feel, really feel.

It was intriguing at first. I teared up a little a few times. Nothing major or surprising for my newfound emotional range. Then I got to the part where he talks about holding people, after they were allowed to freely let out their pent up rage, anger, manic energy, whatever it was, just let it out, all out. And theyd slowly come out of the (UNLOCKED) room (THAT THEY WERE ALLOWED TO LEAVE AT ANY POINT) after a few hours, and they would be hugged. And often they would start crying. Sometimes violently. And they would hold them lovingly, sometimes multiple of them, until the persons sobs trailed off into sniffles, into nothing. As I finished the sentence it broke out of me in a same way. Theres silent tears running down my cheeks writing this right now. But last night ? I was wailing. Sounds I had not heard from myself, ever. Not the night my grandmother passed. Not the nights I recalled sexual abuse, recalled my violent father, recalled my peers universally rejecting me for the freak I was, as I laid in my basement next to baggies of weed and xtc, as i sat in the bathroom watching blood go down the drain.

Suddenly it wasn't just the abuse in the ward that hurt. The memories of seeing tiny harm- and powerless kids strapped down and tied up, older boys injected and carried off, alarms blaring, keys turning in locks, a haze of benzos that made everything blur together, being watched as you shower, watched as you sleep. Dragged out of your room screaming. What hurt me so much I was wailing like never before was the love I needed, but never got when I needed it the most. I needed to be held as I cried. I dont think I have been held as I cried since I was 9 years old. I have been gawked at, yelled at, ignored and stepped over as I laid on the floor, walked past in public, threatened, locked up.

But I have not once been held.

#madpunk #psych critical #anti psych #anti psychiatry #psych survivor #psych abuse

[hopeswriting]

HI HELLO, I FELT BAD CONTINUING THE CONVO IN THE POST BUT OOOOOHHOO YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING UNWELL ABOUT TSUNA HOPE. I AM INSANE ABOUT HIM.

FIRST OF ALL, I checked the link you sent and oh my god SAME "The Truth Revealed" is an INSANE CHAPTER TO ME. Tbh Future arc is one of my favorite arcs in KHR all together. I don't think I ever recovered from Tsuna waking up in a fucking coffin. Like I think that irreversibly altered my brain chemistry I havent been the same. My brains been spinning since i saw that. To find out that TYL Tsuna planned it in the Truth Revealed??? Like WHO is TYL TSUNA. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. Like you pointed out that Lal yelled out at Tsuna wasnt like that, but to find out he was?? oh my GOD. Like it makes me wonder how much stress TYL Tsuna was under or how he came to the point that he felt like this was the only solution they could pull off. I think there's an addition that Irie did say that Byakuran would've found a way to bring the younger gang to the future anyway must have absolutely added to TYL Tsuna's stress and desire to get his younger self ready before Byakuran decided it was time before he was. Like I need to know IS HE HAPPY LIKE YOU SAID. I HOPE THIS MAN FINDS PEACE GOD KNOWS HE DESERVES IT. This is more of a headcanon than any solidified proof, just a GUT feeling. But I have to feel as if TYL Tsuna's actions being so... like that had to do with TYL Reborn's death. We know that they're close and Rainbow arc shows us that Tsuna would lift the entire world on his back if it saved Reborn. I can't help but theorize the mental state TYL Tsuna was in, after losing Reborn. Seeing how..hotheaded Tsuna can get about Reborn in Rainbow Arc and how he willingly goes to the Inheritance Ceremony for Yamamoto.. I can see him conjuring a plan like this to fuck the shit out of Byakuran post Reborn death, or even just for the possibility of getting Reborn back. But this is just a headcanon again. Either way?? Im FOAMING at the mouth with you.

As for the rest of our discussion, first of all I lost my shit when you sent the manga panel of Reborn looking shocked but holy shit i didnt connect those dots that Reborn was ?? shocked?? that Tsuna was going along with it. And that its coming from a place of anger and vengeance from Tsuna, which isn't usual for him but fuck they attacked his family. As you mentioned, they crossed that firm line drawn in the sand and Tsuna was going for their throat this time bc how dare they? When, in Tsuna's eyes, Yamamoto was done NOTHING wrong to his attacker. As for Tsuna becoming Vongola Decimo and how he would've been shackled, this is actually something we discussed in our server as well. The conclusion I ended up coming with is that in the end it didn't matter to Tsuna. He was seeing red. He was furious. He was willing to sacrifice everything, even his own freedom from the Mafia to avenge Yamamoto. It's either that he was so blinded by rage that he didn't consider the consequences of his actions, or even worse he was willing to take up the mantle of Vongola Decimo if it meant catching the person who did this to Yamamoto. For Yamamoto's sake, he would be Vongola Decimo. AND THAT IDEA??? OOOHHHH. UGHHHH. THERES SO MUCH TO TSUNAS CHARACTER AND IT DRIVES ME MAD BC HE SEEMS SO SIMPLE AT FIRST LOOK. AND IM??? IM AAAAH YKNOW??

[follow up to this post]

the future arc isn't personally my favorite, but i totally get the people for whom it is. the writing for it is really solid and really steps up from what we had so far, and i DO love so much that first part of the arc up to the end of the merone base raid.

you know, at times like this i wish i'd remember what my reaction was to it the first time i read it too, but my memory is shit lol. but i don't need to to agree it was so iconic and insane of amano to make tsuna appear in the future in a coffin. like not only it's the first thing we learn about the future, but also the first thing we learn about his future. that ten years later he's dead. absolute fucking power move from amano, like hello??

but also, while we're on the subject... this literally just came to me so idk if i'm going to be articulate about this lol, but i think there's something to be said about how the first thing we learn about tyl tsuna is that he's dead. and then he stays dead throughout the arc, mentioned and talked about, judged and defended, praised and blamed, but it all happens through other people. everything we learn about him, every choice (or lack thereof) and decision attributed to him, every glimpse into his personality and what kind of man he was, we learn all of it it through someone else's words. through someone else's eyes, and tho we're given no reason to doubt they're saying the truth, they can only be biased as they say it. like, amano could have made him appear through flashbacks, but she didn't. she gave him no physical appearance, no face, no voice. and then when she does do that (tho even then she still gives him no face), he only talks about his present self. has only words for him. and idk what is there to say about all that, but i know it's relevant to the themes of the future arc.

I think there's an addition that Irie did say that Byakuran would've found a way to bring the younger gang to the future anyway must have absolutely added to TYL Tsuna's stress and desire to get his younger self ready before Byakuran decided it was time before he was.

you're right! i tend to overlook that bit of information, but it is canon that either way, the present 10th gen would have found themselves in the future. so for tsuna to decide he'll be the one to make it happen and have control over it instead of byakuran, was of course the right choice to make. the safest one, both for them and their present selves. as well as the kindest one, because of course, tsuna didn't just bring them to the future to leave them to die in it, the way byakuran would have done. he came up with a plan to make sure they were ready to face the future like you said, and would be strong enough to see it through. and the plan was still harsh and painful and arguably cruel on them, but it still was kindness from tsuna at the same time. consideration for the situation he had no choice but to get them involved in. it was him taking responsibility for it and sparing them the worse of it as much as he could and as much as realistically possible. and maybe it made little difference, but it's still more than byakuran would have allowed them for sure, and it did play a non-negligible part in them not only surviving the future, but coming out on top of it.

you know... for some reason i've always thought tsuna was level-headed when he agreed to go along with the plan. like of course his hands were being forced as he was backed against a corner, facing a hopeless and desperate situation, but in my head he still had himself together somehow. sat and considered the pros and cons of the plan with a cool head, before deciding it was worth the gamble.

but like. knowing tsuna, it's much more likely he hadn't, you're right. that he was standing on the brink, and maybe had already fallen from it. i mean, yamamoto's dad got killed, his parents were unaccounted for, vongola's hq fell and vongola was hunted, namimori was invaded and every people there connected to him hunted too, forcing kyoko and haru to be on the run, with lambo and i-pin after them to keep them safe when they were just fifteen but still forced to take part in a literal war. tsuna had already lost so much by that point, while still being at risk of losing much more. and at the same time, he had already lost the worst thing he could lose, because of course, there's also reborn. reborn who also died, who also got killed when he's the one person who's always been by his side, who's always been his rock and anchor, who's always known how to give him strength again when his own failed him. and MY gut feeling headcanon is that reborn died not too long before tsuna put the plan in motion. maybe even died only just a couple of days before that, and that was the last straw, the deciding factor that made tsuna go along with the plan.

so like. maybe tsuna was heartbroken and crestfallen when he made that decision. maybe it was an entirely emotional one, one he made out of spite and vindictive feelings for byakuran like you said. out of fear he'll end up with nothing more left to lose, and out of his guilt for letting things come to that point and not being in a position--not having the power to make things right again. a decision he made out of his grief and the desperate hope he could get back everything he lost. the hope he could get reborn back. and okay, consider this, but independently of whether it was the right thing to do or of the chances of the plan to be successful, maybe he simply agreed to it too out of the certainty it's what present tsuna would have done too. that it's what he'd have wanted too, that he would have taken any chance that might bring reborn back to him. because it's reborn. oh i'm soo normal about this and their bond.

For Yamamoto's sake, he would be Vongola Decimo.

YOU CANT JUST SAY THAT TO ME LIKE I HAVENT THE SOFTEST SPOT FOR YAMS AND TSUNA. oh my god. oh my god??? for yamamoto's sake... for yamamoto. and i mean, i know tsuna would have done the exact same thing for any of his other guardians, but that amano chose to go along with yams instead of any other guardian... like again, i do very much believe tsuna would have reacted the same way were it anyone else, but at the same time i really do very much believe the fact it was yamamoto played a part in his anger and resolve to avenge him. i really can't explain it, but like. it's yamamoto, you know?

NO I KNOW!!!! tsuna is... he's so easy to overlook and deem unworthy of a second glance, but if you DO look back at him, and then really look at him, you can't stop and can't look away. and the longer you look, the more there is to look at. which is even more insane because at his core tsuna still is truly, really just some guy. he's just a complex character in very simple ways i guess??

anyway yeah, i need to LIE DOWN now, thanks.

#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #khr meta #sawada tsunayoshi #khr asks #rebo-chan

[the-ninja-legacy-whip]

Ok so I have some questions about Olivia, her motives and mindset and all that considering she has been a major character in the every book, to properly understand her. Not meant to criticize your writing I love the way you write everyone! So she spent her whole live in the shark army living and training there? Would you call the shark army some kind of cult? How do they add Olivia trust Garmadon so easily when he could "fire" them without a care? Is everyone who joined some kind of crook or has theyre own motivation? What would be Bridget's? Did she only go to normal school beacuse her father insisted? What is Olivias opinion on her mother? Do the shark army allow little kids in it if Olivia was in so young? In her mind Garmadon is the solution they're world needs right? Destroying everything so it can be rebuild better? Is she really willing to do whatever it takes for Garmadon and his plans or are there some lines she isn't willing to cross? I noticed that she is often being used to criticize Kai's actions, which are at that moment justified because someone needs to put his head straight but if feels like this is all the interaction they have sometimes? Like those moments are the ones where she seems to justify herself and her actions while in the end always leaving like she won the argument? (Which considering all the bad things she did to Kai and his sister even if not planned that way, the kidnapping and such, I'm surprised didn't end with Kai pulling his swords out) it also always looks like it uses these moments to build some form of sympathy between them and justify Olivia, she also often seems to have the last word in conversations with Nya and Kai always appearing like she was in the right. was that because Kai and Nya at the beginning just weren't, I don't know how to say it, developed for it? Didnt know enough about what was going on, had to much going on for them and weren't certain in their place in theyre team? I know they're friendship will be Explorer more but why was Nya so Ready to forgive Olivia for the thing she had done not only to herself but to her brother as well? Even if she was her one and Only friend wouldn't that put a serious dent in it together with trust issues wether Olivia would do all that again or even just using her? No one expect Kai seems to be all that bothered about Olivia and Nya's friendship even though she is the enemy why is that? Will Olivia face consequences for what she did with Nya or is that already forgiven and forgotten? Was what happened to her father considered the consequence? Would you call they're friendship maybe unhealthy? She often talks about truths and how she only has to ask to get answers but she only appears to be ready to hear one version of the truth? Would you call her close minded? Like she considers everything Garmadon says the truth while ignoring the truths others have to say or not even wanting to hear them out like with Wu? Speaking of she seemed to already have a big anger at Wu, is it only because he was the one who hid so many things from the world or was it also the influence from her surrounding that made her so mad?

I know that's a lot of questions and this isn't meant as criticism I enjoy her character and am interested about how growing up in such a inviroment forms someone like her!

...well, we did one for Jesse, so why not Olivia? *rolls up sleeves* All right, lessssgoooo

So she spent her whole live in the shark army living and training there? -> Since she was four years old, yes

Would you call the shark army some kind of cult? -> Yes, somewhat........but, honestly, only in Olivia's case. Every other member only joined because a) they had nowhere else to go or b) has very strong personal reasons to join the cause, but they've all got outside reference to consider their actions with. To Olivia, how the Shark Army functions, their motivations, their way of living and enforcing their prerogative...that's her whole world. And a crooked person in a crooked world is always going to see things on an angle without ever realizing, unless they are removed from the environment.

How do they and Olivia trust Garmadon so easily when he could "fire" them without a care? -> Olivia doesn't, and Bridget definitely doesn't, but they are under the impression that Garmadon is the best and only way of "setting the wold right". And in Bridget's case, unless something better presents itself, the risks are worth the reward to them. In some Army Members cases, they've got nothing left to lose anyway, so, might as well die trying to make things "better", right?

Is everyone who joined some kind of crook or has theyre own motivation? -> Some are crooks, all have some inkling of motivation, however.

What would be Bridget's? -> Bridget, much like Nya, picked up on the fact that something was very inconsistent with the world's history and sought deeper to investigate, and The Order caught up with her and tried to silence her. The Shark Army happened to intercept and save her. Realizing that they had the answers she sought on top of exposing other ones, she was inclined to stick with them, not realizing how deep she was getting into until it was too late. (She is absolutely disgusted with Olivia, and would get rid of her in a heartbeat, but can't because removing Olivia means Bridget's one step close to Garmadon firing her if she makes one wrong move. This is why she tries to keep Olivia as of trouble as much as she can.)

Did she only go to normal school because her father insisted? -> Yes, and only keeps up with it out of respect for her father's memory. This...changes comes Season 3.

What is Olivias opinion on her mother? -> Olivia doesn't remember much of her mother before she died, but is very aware of one thing: that "she was right."

Do the shark army allow little kids in it if Olivia was in so young? -> Olivia was an........exception. Besides her, the youngest would have been Bridget, who joined at 16 (Bridget is currently 18). Darkley's Kids were convinced they had a chance of getting into the Shark Army, but if they had a chance at all, it wouldn't be until they were older, more capable, and less of a liability.

In her mind Garmadon is the solution they're world needs right?Destroying everything so it can be rebuild better? -> Yes, because the city and other places are running under one giant lie that Wu fabricated (which the members of the Shark Army are aware of and shunned for, if they're not being chased off by The Order), so having Garmadon "destroy the lie" will, to them, put things back the way they should be...even though that is, obviously, not Garmadon's only end goal. Olivia, however, know the deepest reason why the Compass was removed from the world, courtesy of her mother, and that it is because of/related to Lloyd...which may put her at odds at Garmadon at one point or another.

Is she really willing to do whatever it takes for Garmadon and his plans or are there some lines she isn't willing to cross? -> ....I will just say that she really is willing to do whatever it takes for her goals.

I noticed that she is often being used to criticize Kai's actions, which are at that moment justified because someone needs to put his head straight but if feels like this is all the interaction they have sometimes? Like those moments are the ones where she seems to justify herself and her actions while in the end always leaving like she won the argument? (Which considering all the bad things she did to Kai and his sister even if not planned that way, the kidnapping and such, I'm surprised didn't end with Kai pulling his swords out) -> hey it's not too late for Kai to swing a sword into her ;P

it also always looks like it uses these moments to build some form of sympathy between them and justify Olivia, she also often seems to have the last word in conversations with Nya and Kai always appearing like she was in the right. -> it's less that she *is* right, and more than she thinks she's right.

was that because Kai and Nya at the beginning just weren't, I don't know how to say it, developed for it? Didnt know enough about what was going on, had to much going on for them and weren't certain in their place in theyre team? I know they're friendship will be Explorer more but why was Nya so Ready to forgive Olivia for the thing she had done not only to herself but to her brother as well? -> Nya was willing to try and salvage their friendship (especially because a) Olivia was being lowkey manipulative about it and b) Nya was in a bad headspace at that very specific point in time due to all the exclusionary ninja nonsense) but she by no means forgave her. And Kai definitely didn't either, but he is at least trying to understand her better (because he can't wrap his head around her actions otherwise).

Even if she was her one and Only friend wouldn't that put a serious dent in it together with trust issues wether Olivia would do all that again or even just using her? -> Yes! But, like, the seeds have just been planted for this. It's all gonna sprout and come to a head in Seasons 2 and 3, and then you're all gonna hate me for it ;P

"Friends until then?" "Friends until then."

No one expect Kai seems to be all that bothered about Olivia and Nya's friendship even though she is the enemy why is that? -> As stated before, Cole and Zane do not take Olivia as seriously as they should, and Jay doesn't want to say anything about it lest he make Nya upset. If anything, the only one that's rightfully suspicious besides Kai is Jesse, because he realized that Olivia knows way more about the Compass than both the average individual and people within the Shark Army, but he hasn't had the opportunity to really bring it up yet.

Will Olivia face consequences for what she did with Nya or is that already forgiven and forgotten? -> No she's not forgiven and forgotten; my bud, my pal, my friend, we are just hitting the tip of the iceberg!! That was just the first stop on a pain train!!! The waters were rocky but sailable but now we're headed for the typhoon!!!

Was what happened to her father considered the consequence? -> Not even close, but please do keep that in mind when we hit the end of Book 3~

Would you call they're friendship maybe unhealthy? -> not maybe, it IS. But everything being squeaky clean does not an interesting story make. They had a good thing once, sure, but now that everyone's true colors are showing, they've got to decide if it's worth it to make it work anyway.

Would you call her close minded? -> Yes, but in a really annoying, roundabout way.

She often talks about truths and how she only has to ask to get answers but she only appears to be ready to hear one version of the truth? Like she considers everything Garmadon says the truth while ignoring the truths others have to say or not even wanting to hear them out like with Wu? -> This one's hard to explain but because she knows that Wu's enforcing a lie, anything that contradicts "the lie" must be the truth. The things Garmadon says contradict the lie, plus he's vocally supportive about "freeing the truth", thus Olivia trusts what he says. And she, unlike the general public, has direct access to Garmadon's truth on top of being aware of the lie to begin with. The only thing about this that Kai, Nya, and Lloyd have pointed out, is that Garmadon likes to frame the truth to suit his own needs. And even if Olivia is correct about Wu enforcing the lie and for what reason, she's driven herself to believe that there's only one correct solution for it when there isn't -> harkening back to Wu's words about her deluding herself in the first story. But again, we haven't gotten to the part of how/why all this is relevant yet either.

Speaking of she seemed to already have a big anger at Wu, is it only because he was the one who hid so many things from the world or was it also the influence from her surrounding that made her so mad? -> [REDACTED]. We'll just say it's a bit personal.

#oc: olivia omar #a lot of this was supposed to be in book 2 but obviously at 500k words i ran out of room/time #even the mention of the order was like a footnote in the last 15 chapters #but we've got way more breathing room now and i promise we're going to sort out olivia #but uh......some of y'all got some real high hopes for her #how interesting #info tag #legacy spoilers #long post

[definitelynotnia]

hi nia kamon cholche?

ami genuinely janina at this point 💀💀

quick rundown of the past two months:

got dumped by the guy i've been dating for the past two years

didn't give neet lmfao (i really didnt wanna become a doctor so im actually happy about this but my mom is terribly mad at me)

have 4 competitive exams and 6 interviews all in the span of one month

literally have no backup plan about what i'll do if I don't get into any of the colleges I applied to

have my first major competitive exam in one week and im lowkey panicking

have to write an SOP which i tried to do for 5 hours last night and then i deleted half of it bcz i didn't think it was interesting enough and finally gave up at 5AM with only 200 words down (i need to write 750)

boards results are coming out later this month and im so not ready to face the consequence of my actions i would rather die than have to tell my mother my percentage she already hates me enough

so yeah....how's it going with u?

#funnily enough somehow im happier now than i was for the past two years bcz at least this time the stress is for smthn i actually wanna do #as opposed to killing myself trying to become a doctor just bcz my family wants me to be one #however if i dont get into the course of my choice in this attempt i will have to give NEET next year whether i like it or not #thats the agreement we made #so yeah im kinda of in a do or die situation here #ok but tell me about ur internship omg it sounds so fun #ask #cleo da <3

[tiodolma]

Thoughts on how Morgana, Morgause and Merlin killed people

i just realized that it was only in s5 where Morgana really truly absolutely did attempt to finally kill Merlin (not as emrys but as merlin.)

plus it wasnt even an act of revenge, eliminating him was just a necessary step in the destabilization plan to destroy Camelot

whereas merlin already tried to have her killed in fires of idirsholas to save camelot. that was in the first 3 years Merlin and Morgana knew each other btw.

therefore Morgana waited 5 years to finally decide that she has to kill merlin. think about that. Merlin did nothing but try to kill her over and over again, but Morgana didnt want him personally dead YET... for 5 YEARS. FIVE YEARS AFTER HE BETRAYED HER VERY PERSONALLY.

this brings home the point bruh. Morgana doesn't kill recklessly. Tears of Uther Pendragon and the Dorocha incidentwere NOT Morgana-led attacks because those were Morgause's plans. Morgana didnt want to unleash the Dorocha at first because she was afraid and also didnt want to lose her sister. Morgause persuaded her to do it regardless. SO Morgause is the one who plans to kill indiscriminately and just brings Morgana along for the ride.

Notice this, left on her own devices, Morgana's kills were strategic, even from a tyranny/warlord standpoint. If she had her way, she chooses who to kill and who to save for later. Morgana's not a frkn idiot. Her letting the soldiers target the fleeing city folk was to intimidate Leon and the other Knights and force them to submit. In the spirit of historical sieges YES. that was done. actually that was pretty merciful compared to what you read in history. Anyway back to the point. It forced Leon to surrender, which was the goal (tho he immediately defected, which is of course understandable)

How about Merlin, are his kills strategic? I dont think so. Merlin is a reactionary protector of the status quo superhero. Watch video below to understand the trope.

Merlin doesnt think of the consequences when he kills. I think he's more reckless tbh coz he doesnt discriminate either. He just kills as a reaction to danger in the spirit of self-defense. He gets pushed back into a corner and that's when he strikes. Thing is with Merlin is that you shouldn't trap him, because he will strike back like a dangerous wounded animal in defense of his "loved ones" (the government). As a supposed savior of the magic folk that's not really a healthy way to deal with threats, especially since he does nothing to actually not get forced in the trap anyway (ie reconnect with the magic folk at least, find stable alliances, negotiate, bargain, etc.) The problem though was that this turned him into a vigilante. Because he was eliminating treasonous threats without the state's knowledge or permission, that makes him a serious threat to social order himself.

He and Morgause are the "Damn the Consequences" kind of guys. The consequence of Merlin doing that was that he kept proving that he was no ally to the embittered magic folk. Morgause's actions also meant that she really didnt care if nobody lived to run the kingdom as long as she got to overtake it. (see her just killing Cenred)

Morgana, for the most part wasn't like that. Morgana weighed the effect of her kills more than you think. Morgana frkn doesnt kill her own allies right away(unlike morgause). What she does really well is "breaking her adversary's morale." That takes skill and careful maneuvering and planning. Killing is the last resort for Morgana and she doesn't usually take it, especially if she sees value in keeping someone alive. Her "Damn the Consequences" attitude would have taken effect more on the long-term aspects: open riots and insurrections.

It was only after Mordred died that Morgana finally killed every little threat to her life. She has gone mad at this point. She's become the wounded animal. (like merlin)

anyway this is a long essay on how merlin x morgause x morgana killed people.

...............

btw this isnt an essay to justify who was good or bad. I just think they all had different ways to handling their issues.

#adventures of merlin #bbc merlin #bbc morgana #merlin critical #bbc morgause #merlin crit #otp: i will never be like her #no she becomes like you #this is why i think the show is fascinating as hell #thots #Youtube #essays

[77pupu33pipo]

so sorry feel free to skip, big rant ahead.. but good ending :)

i really hope i can get free university tuition for the next year.. there are two vacant positions atm and i think i have a great chance of getting one.. i enrolled last year with 50% discount based on exam results but this discount is only kept if you stay high enough in student ratings and it kept me awake at night throughout the year and feeling guilty, and the workload was completely draining, and i was physically unwell and um. 0 friends and so i had a complete mental breakdown at the end of the year + a failed class and no year-end thesis which meant i needed an individual plan for the next year which meant no discount AND additional pay for extra courses. Decided to drop out, but instead re-enrolled in the same program for the second time to preserve 50% exam discount which is still appliable. Asked for credit recovery for all of the courses i actually completed last year and bless the faculty office because they agreed and spent this year taking my sweet time recovering and attending uni 3 times a week for language classes and thesis. And funny thing is i did pretty well last year. But complete burn out and absolutely shattered mental health, i really couldnt do it anymore. and i don't think ive recovered from it completely, i now resent the thought of any kind of confrontation or trying hard at something or taking an additional interest in something because that just means more work and thought. none of it pays off. i now give up when met with the smallest inconvenience and pushing through with anything is too much. i played The Sims Fucking 3 University one time and got so anxious and mad because the memory was painful. And i dont even remember the stuff that happened during last year that well at all, its all a complete haze, like it never even happened, but somehow still had its consequences. but like pretty much everyone was going through the same stuff in the same circumstances, but i didnt see anyone else struggling that much so i ended up thinking i am a wimp just wasting our and others' time and money and didnt complain or express my worries to anyone. i didnt exactly have anyone to express them to but well....

on the bright side i think I have succeeded in developing a "fuck-all" mentality in the last year and i hope to utilize it next time i am met with the same workload. Plus my groupmates this year round are amazing. i struggle to form close friendships or acquaintences, but they are all very nice and sweet and supportive of one another, its really nothing ive ever seen of classmates or colleagues. And i also think i have made good progress in learning Finnish and have regained just a bit of my passion for linguistics, i wouldnt want to resent the field forever because if it comes to academics i dont think im suited for anything else. my mother has been nagging me about taking what is essentially a gap year, and saying i was making stuff up when i told her about my decision and that ive been really struggling for the past year, even though i was just wailing at the time. But its alright i guess, i don't take it to close to heart, although it does make me so mad sometimes.

im better off now, but im still so scared of plunging back into all that anxiety, restlessness, exhaustion, competition and feelings of stupidity and inferiority. I have mostly dealt with the last two, but i dont think i will be able to take the stress if it is the same as last year. If i stay on paid tuition, then i have to continue securing my discount. And that means extra work in every subject, because you can't get max and pre-max grade by just completing the course perfectly, you're required to do extra work for the last two marks. I realize and understand that this is a common system, but jesus fucking christ i want to be able to choose not to do so and still continue studying like normal, not be handicapped in learning stuff i actually have to learn in other subjects because of useless shit i need to waste my time on for that sweet sweet 9 or 10. and you're competing both with people like you on paid tuition AND with people on free tuition who have some issues i think as the difference between mark 8 and mark 10 is only seen in the student rating and not recorded in the diploma, and the student rating does not mean jack shit if you're on free tuition, literally no one cares for it outside of calculating discounts and transfering from paid to free tuition. I don't want to think badly of those on free tuition who choose to compete in the system, but i believe i have become too senstitive about this topic. I want to bonk them with a cardboard tube to make them change their minds and see the appeal of being free to fuck all when it comes to grades and just do what they actually enjoy in the academics field or on the side, but that doesnt happen.

and so i have a pretty good chance of getting on free tuition with my current grades. I worked my ass off last year with most of the courses, and i got a "great" on both language classes and thesis this year. As far as i know, im first in rating among those on paid tuition. im sending mind control waves to faculty so that they give me that free tuition. i promise i will get worse grades on purpose so that people who are still stuck in clinging to discount hell have a bit of an easier time. i'll read papers for fun and find joy in learning new things again. i will do minimum wage monotone work needed for dictionaries or corpora like all the cool kids. Fuck it, i will do some afterclass activities now that ill be able to afford to spend my free time on random shit. ill attend historical dance meetings regularly, its really fun. ill make some friends even. just PLEASE give me the free tuition. if i don't, i will sigh deeply and continue trying to grind, but ill be upset.

maybe i need to stop whining and just go on with it like everybody did, but pleaseeeeeee. I think i worked hard. I completed every assignment without taking a look at how much it weighed in the grade formula. I helped fellow students when they struggled with something. I had almost perfect attendance. THIS stupid thing will change my life, stupid thing being free tuition. i cant afford to not get a mind boggling cool education, my family will execute me. Please just let me get my stupid little linguistics degree (i mean it includes programming and maths so.) and go on with my life... ...

[jacobied]

hm.

jade lore lol cw abuse, suicide. this is so rambly and will make no sense probably

having a. quiet panic attack rn lol. been thinking about how isolated ive been for the past like...15 yrs. which is kind of insane to say lol i live in dt toronto and im online all the time

i dont think my parents used isolation as a tactic they like were not smart enough for tht lol ! it was just like a natural consequence w how much we fucking moved bc we were poor (like once every year and a couple times even in the middle of the school year)

the only people i saw consistently even through all the moves were my parents and their friends and their two daughters. i kiiind of grew up w them, we lived in like different parts of ontario and i only saw them like 3-4 times a year, but they stayed in the periphery of my life even through all of our moves. and then one of them outed me to my mom

ive never been good at keeping in touch w people not even w my own family. all my family except for my dad lives in china and they speak a language i barely know. my dads been abusive since i was in like grade school and even before the abuse got bad tm we barely ever talked to each other. i never see my mom but when i do shes also abusive ft their comically shitty divorce era. so isolation was always sucky reality but a safe one idk. i didnt have parents to support me but at least when they left me alone i didnt have to worry about getting hit or screamed at lol

all that just. built into a pattern of me fucking up any kind of social support/health i manage to build every couple of years. there were like a couple months in hs and college where i'd be completely nonverbal and like... complete shut down bc of how depressed and suicidal i was. i had no idea why it was happening and everyone thought i was mad at them but the idea of existing and taking up space froze me

i've deleted and remade my tumblr before, my instagram twice now bc it felt like i was killing myself. the longest standing sm i've had thats actually also gotten me to where i am in my career is twitter so ofc that seems to be the app swandiving into hell lollll

im like trying, working on better coping mechanisms and i think im doing better lately. but theres still this deep aching loneliness thats been building up frm over a decade tht im reckoning w bc the brain fog is lifting.

i straight up didnt know my mind could feel so clear if that makes sense? but im also just feeling the brunt of All Of This pretty head on now and its super overwhelming and idk. its like im so far behind in my life compared to everyone i know. also bonus Gender Thoughts and relationships thoughts and an ex who said she loved me and it just didnt feel real bc i didnt feel real

all this + just the constant worry of my industry and my career crashing down around me and how i literally have no back up plan lol. my back up plan for the longest time was to just die. i want to stop feeling like i have to kill parts of myself i want to live to be w my friends and i really want to pitch my ogn. im so excited about all that but it feels so abstract and far away

#its 1 am #i feel less panicky now tht i wrote some of tht out #im listening to scps rn idk what else to do #jade.exe

[jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue]

Our little love part 2 - mafia/yandere au Drabble {angst + fluff}

As always please let me know what you think, I am actually going to go to bed now my brain is angry with me for not sleeping.

It seemed the cycle was never ending, you fucking up and pissing them off, them punishing you by drowning you in their love, only letting you come up to breathe so you could swim in your own guilt and submit to them.

You wince as the victim to your latest fuck up gets another blow to his chest. Taehyung and Hobi held onto his arms as Jungkook and Jimin kick and punch the poor individual. You know not to speak, it’ll only make things worse. Temperament was a fickle thing in their lives, trust was everything, and you still had to build yours up again.

“Y/n help please,” Kai whimpers as you stood with your arms crossed looking away.

“Don’t fucking say her name,” Jungkook growled before punching your ex colleague in the face. You’re frowning, the need to beg them to stop was fighting for exit on the top of your tongue, but you bite it down and pray Kai doesn’t say another word. You know if you do as he asks they’d kill him. Your punishment was to watch silently.

Yoongi strolls up behind you, hands in his pockets before he rests his head on your shoulder, watching the display in front of you both.

“Nothing to say little love?” He whispers as your friend groans out in pain.

Please don’t kill him, you want to say, but you just shake your head in defeat. You want to believe they’re better than this, but the evidence of the contrary was never hidden from you. They showed you every side of them whether proud of it or not with bold eyes daring you to stop loving them, pushing your boundaries and morals waiting for you to snap. But the breaking point never came, you loved them, you shouldn’t and you knew it, but you did. You were completely and utterly theirs, yet still they treated you like you hadn’t seen the worst of them. Like you would run away the second you realised they were monsters, not that they would let you run far, only far enough to let you take a single breath before making you drown in them once again.

Yoongi wraps his arms around your waist, keeping an eye on your reactions. The asshole deserved it, not that they cared either way, he tried to take you away from them, that was enough.

Kai was your old partner before you took a very early retirement, what you didn’t know was that he continued the case you were working on before you left; the case of the seven men you now loved and the reason you quit said job. He had called you to meet up for old times sake and you, very naively in Yoongi’s mind, decided it was harmless. But if it was harmless why didn’t you say anything to the boys? You thought Kai didn’t know the reason you handed in your resignation, but he had been keeping an eye on you all before he realised you were the key to their downfall. He knew you harboured some feeling for him in the past and thought you’d reciprocate when he tried to flirt his way into getting his hands on the evidence you collected, he didnt know you burned it all. You lied to him and said you lost it, same difference anyway. This prompted plan b from him.

“Y/n they’re criminals,” he had said to you. “You’re a cop at heart you can’t love them.”

You floundered at his words when you realised he knew, and yet he still asked you to betray them.

“Kai I think I need to go...”

It was a mistake, you knew it then, but he followed you out onto the street and you hoped tonight the men you loved weren’t keeping an eye on you. Maybe naive was an understatement.

“Are they coercing you Y/n! Do they have something on you or are they threatening you?” He calls after you. “Because the Y/n I know would never love killers, what have they done to you?”

It was when he reached his hand out to grab your arm that your boyfriends decided to show themselves from the shadows. Which lead to the situation now, Kai beat up and bruised beyond recognition, and you forced to watch. He falls unconscious and they let him drop to the floor, you hate this side of them, it was cruel and cold but you’d never leave. They turn to face you now, their anger still present despite the last hour of releasing it onto your old partner. They don’t miss the way you’re shaking, the shallow breaths as you try and keep your tears to yourself. As much as you hate their violence, you hate their disappointment in you more.

——————————————————————————

You’re sitting in Joonie’s lap for what you call the debriefing of your punishment, this happened way too often in your opinion. You look down but he wasn’t having it today, tilting your head to look at him by your chin.

“Why did you get punished today little love?” He starts the same way as usual.

“I went out without telling you guys where I was going or who with,” you say while fiddling with your fingers out of nervous habit.

“And?” Hobi sits across from you in a chair, legs straddling the back and an elbow rested on top with his fist holding up his face. Hobi was hardest to pacify, he was ruthless and unforgiving and while that didn’t extend to you, you still had a hard time with his stubborn anger.

“I met up with Kai, and I let him touch me,” you’ve done this too many times before to not know how it worked. Kai’s ‘touch’ obviously meant nothing to you but for them it was the worst crime anyone could commit against their little love.

You remember the time you nearly tripped in the park and a guy steadied you politely, but you still had to hold Jungkook back from throwing hands.

“Kookie would you rather I fell and hurt myself?” No he hadn’t wanted that so he grumbled in agreement still seething but you cooled it down. “Instead of hitting him maybe you should thank him,” it was a joke but it made the youngest scoff.

“Baby girl why can’t you just be good?” Namjoon’s sigh brings you back to the present. “Why do you always have to test us like this?”

You didn’t mean to, you want to say it but the words are stuck below the sob in your throat. You actually whimper as his tone, bottom lip wobbling pathetically. He hadn’t even told you off properly, but you already felt like a mess as he bathed you in his disappointment. That was the common consequence of your actions and you hated it, you couldn’t do anything right.

——————————————————————————

“Jin do you need help with the food?” You ask your eldest boyfriend politely, he was frowning and you thought it was because today’s meal was too much for him to handle alone, his tone of voice made you realise it was because of you.

“No, I’m alright,” he doesn’t look at you as he speaks and you’re left gaping at him like a fish. Jin loved it when you cooked with him, it was your bonding time without the others, although Yoongi would join you from time to time. The others also tried but Jin wouldn’t let them anywhere near the kitchen, they hogged you enough anyway.

You feel your soul deflate, still standing there as he ignored you.

“Are you mad at me too?”

The way you said it made his heart twinge with guilt, but the others were right you wouldn’t learn and your first betrayal was still fresh on their minds. He sighs and you turn away, refusing to crying in front of them for the tenth time that day. What was wrong with you? Ever since that day where they found out who you really were you felt like you werent enough anymore, you tried so hard to make up for it all but you kept messing up. You weren’t like this before, but after seeing the hurt you put them through you were constantly on edge and second guessing yourself. You wish you could go back and stop them from ever finding out.

Jin hears the sniffle as you walk away and he can’t go through with it.

“Wait little love,” he calls for you. “I forgot to cut the onions, would you mind?”

You shake your head, you didn’t mind, but you didn’t trust your voice to answer for you. Youre grateful to Jin for giving you this task, it hides the fact you’re crying, but you know he doesn’t miss it.

——————————————————————————

Jimin and Taehyung were giving you narrowed stern gazes through dinner, it put you off your food which resulted in getting told off by Jin just after he branched out to you in the kitchen.

You felt alone, like the seven men you loved were against you and there was no one to blame but yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you say quietly before getting up and removing yourself from the dinner table and dining room, ignoring all of their stares. You decide maybe an early night is best, you could start again fresh tomorrow. You don’t get too far up the stairs before a hand pulls you back, you turn to see Jimin with Tae a few steps behind him.

You’re so used to seeing them laugh and play around that it feels like you’re looking at different people. Even during missions or gun fights, the youngest three were always joking their way through the bloodshed, keeping scores of who got the most headshots and other grotesque games. You remember the time Jimin and Tae called you during he middle of a shoot out, arguing with you and each other over who you loved more out of the two while you begged them to not get shot or killed.

“Why did you go see him Y/n?” Jimin asked, he wore the demeanour he used for enemies and it takes you back to that night.

“I... h-he said he wanted to see me to catch up,” you explain but you know it’ll fall on deaf ears.

“And you thought that was a good idea, to see your old cop buddy?” His tone makes you feel stupid, you weren’t stupid.

“He was my friend Jimin,” you say in disbelief, you know in the end it was a mistake but at the time it didn’t seem like the worst idea in the world.

“You’re ours,” Taehyung moved forward, towering over you even though he’s a step below you. His face is close to your own, eyes burning into yours as he looks disgusted at the words that left your mouth as if they’re still attached to you. “How do you think we felt when you went to see another detective? Do you have any idea what was going through our heads?”

“Tae I love you,” you lean away from him, searching his face for a hint of softness and love in his gaze, but there was only fire. “You know I wouldn’t, you all know I wouldn’t, I left that life for you why would I turn back to it?”

He stalks away from you without a word, Jimin close behind, giving you a final cold glance before leaving you alone. You thought your love could make them better but if anything you made their darkness worse.

——————————————————————————

Jungkook needed to vent, the only way he knew how was physically. Obviously it wasn’t the cleverest thing he’s done, taking rounds with the punching bag only to open up the cuts on his hand from beating the bastard earlier. He mutters a few curse words under his breath, why did you make matters worse? Maybe they were being harsh on you before today, finding any excuse to punish you a little, test your boundaries and see if you would run, but today they honestly feared that was what happened. They thought you chose to leave them and go back to the life you had before them, but they’d never let you go, they couldn’t let you go. Despite everything you loved them and they worshipped the ground you walked on. You were everything for them now, there’s be no point to any of them without you. Why didn’t you understand that?

He throws another punch to the bag, spreading his blood across them, it hurt like hell, but the thought of you running back to your old partner still played on all of their minds. He wanted to cry, he wanted to find you and beg you to never leave them, they’d be nothing without you.

There’s a knock on the door and he finds you on the other side, waiting for permission to come in. You never waited for permission, it makes him frown, maybe they were too harsh on you today. He could see you shuffling your weight, insecurity screaming through your eyes, you feared his rejection more than his anger.

He notices the first aid kit in your hand, you must’ve heard him. He doesn’t let the fluttering in his chest reach his face as he sits on the bench, waiting for you to come to him.

His gaze is expectant, daring you to cross the threshold and face him, you were no coward, you didn’t fear them the way others did, why were you behaving so meekly now? You force yourself to move and sit beside him, setting the kit down and pushing your hair back behind your ears. He doesn’t move his gaze away from you, even with the sweat and hair hanging in front of his face.

You carefully take a his hand into yours, sucking air between your teeth at how injured it was.

“I’m sorry you hurt yourself because of me,” you say, eyes on his bloodied knuckle as you press the ointment against the open wounds. “Are you sure you want me to stay, I keep hurting you...”

You try to sound like you’re joking, that you’re okay and the hurt isn’t weighing you down with your doubts. He frowns, they really did take it too far. He sets down the cotton wool from your grasp, taking both of hands into his before kissing each finger delicately without letting you look away.

“You’re perfect little love,” Jungkook says, reassuring you with no question in his voice. “We’re the ones who don’t deserve you, we’re mean and cruel but we’re never letting you go.”

You remember how loving they were before that night, maybe while they accepted the truth at face value they could never really forgive you in their hearts. Maybe that’s why they were being like this, they didn’t love you the same way anymore.

“Do you love me?” You had to know, the doubt was eating you alive.

He looks at you as if you’re insane, maybe you are, you don’t know anymore.

“Little love, don’t you see how much we love you?” He asks sincerely. “We would do anything for that love even if it made you hate us, you belong with us, and no one is going to take you away.”

You could see the crazed look in his face grow as he spoke, you believed him, the honestly worn like a heart on a sleeve. But his answer bought a wave clarity to your hazed vision, you made them like this, you made them worse, you had to leave.

#bts au #bts angst #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts fluff #bts x reader #bts scenarios #taehyung fanfic #bts mafia au #yandere bts #bts yandere #bts poly!au #bts polyamory #poly bts #bts poly #bts drabble #bts ot7 x reader #jin fanfic #namjoon mafia au #yandere yoongi #yoongi angst #taehyung x reader #jungkook drabble #jimin au #hobi au

[omijanai]

## i01 ; WEST !

— shigaraki's s/o dies after giving birth.

angst. (will not make u cry), queen magne is alive here

more : apparition sighting, mentions of attempt of injury to a child, and language.

it already had been hours. dreadful hours of several events coming onto shigaraki's despair, he wasnt prepared for any of it.

he was just plotting his tremendous plan with dabi and the rest when twice came rushing to him, telling him that his pregnant lover had been sent to the hospital after her water broke. thats when all hell broke loose, not caring about the world and how everyone saw him — he just wanted to make sure everything was fine in the end.

with a personal nurse, a great friend of hers. she was delivering the baby and was aware of the consequences she will face once something goes wrong.

in a room, a dirty messy room. only a stained mirror separated both shigaraki and his love. the tear running down her face and the muffled scream of desperation and pain had tomura in a trance, getting held back by dabi and twice before he can barge in and ruin everything

she was supposed to break his hand, be beside her so she can crush his fingers. but she cant, for now she is clutching on a small bear gifted by toga a few months when she announced she was pregnant.

banging on the glass door, tomura managed to catch her attention. slowly and softly turning her head to his direction, he can see how tired and worn out she is. the fluttering of her half lidded eyes encouraged him to keep her awake.

her trusty nurse was already pushing and pressing down on her stomach, a procedure to do when the mother cannot push the baby out. it is to help deliver the child

"come on darling, you can do this" he whispered to himself and to her secretly, wiping the sweat that trickled on his forehead.

the sound of her grunting and forcefully screaming pierced on tomura's ear, wanting to get rid of the nasty and hurting ringing on his aide that'll sure haunt him for the rest of his life.

then that there was the end.

the final climax and the final appearance of her.

lips agape as the burning sensation on her stomach eased, her body lightened as her visions came to a white blur.

11:25 PM. the death of an important person, unable to witness the face of the child she had with her for nine months.

11:25 PM. when shigaraki's eyes gloss at the sight of her hand fell lifeless on the edge of the bed, an indication of death.

11:25 PM. the first sound of the baby crying, a wailing trouble that relieved the league, unable to know that she was already gone at that exact moment as well.

the room was trashed after that, the nurse already on the run with spinner and nomu chasing after a bloody ending. her body cradled in shigaraki's arms as he cried and yelled at everyone's faces. attempting to wake up on a sick joke by shaking her and doing everything he can

dabi fell to the floor, sitting with the dust while listening to his friend's desperate cries. toga's smile were no longer present, she had lost a great friend - she had lost a sister she loved.

"fuck, please wake up" blood was on everywhere, from where tomura picked up his love - trailing to where her daughter was layed to cry to herself and onto the floor where his nails dug in her cold pale skin

now there he was, sitting on the floor of his room. his hands on his hair, the baby peacefully wrapped on a blanket courtesy by magne, now resting on a handmade cradle they designed months ago

he was unable to look at it, he didnt want to.

if he did, all the bad things would happen again. the trauma and the painful memory now resting and buried fresh on his brilliant mind.

"that's your child, it is not a mistake. its a new road of love" magne reminded him, like the good person she is. she was close to tomura's girlfriend, she respected her being and found something special in magne.

tomura was going crazy, after getting a hold of his baby - all he had in mind was to drop it on the floor, get it dead like how it ended with y/n. but, what would she think? what would all those 9 months be worth of?

tomura knew she is gonna be mad and all in rage once she finds out her baby climbed up after she can. even in the next life, she wouldnt have forgive tomura if he did what he planned to do that moment prior

his thoughts and clouded mind took to a halt upon hearing a cheerful ply of laughter and giggle coming from the cradle. his teary eyes scratched to the direction, a familiar person came upon him

illuminated in a streak of bright starry light that teared through the broken glass window, shielding against the cradle.

the faint transparent image of y/n stood miraculously.

from what it seems like enjoying her time with the baby, to which the infant responded. it was like she was actually there, physically there. contended and happy to see her adorable bunch for the first time, getting to feel her warmth and see the happy smile on her face made y/n happy

the baby responded in a way, her small fingers reaching out.

tomura stumbled to stand up, his feet hitting the nearby chair.

"d-darling..is that r-really you?" he faintly called out, his hand stretched out - hoping to get ahold of her. she turned his head towards him, her infamous sunshine smile that could lit up the whole room gave tomura his reassurance

"take care of her for me my love, i know you can do it" she started, "i will always be here with all of you, lets see each other again"

"i love you my handsome tomura"

and just like that, she left once again.

tomura wiped the tear off of his face, protectively hugging his child who unknowingly sobbed on his shirt.

"i will my love, i will"

#tomura shiragaki #shigaraki tomura #bnha imagines #bnha angst #tomura angst #shigaraki angst #anime angst #my hero academia #mha #league of villains #shigaraki x reader #tomura x reader #shigaraki smut #tomura smut

[too-much-sunshine]

Fangs for the Hospitality

Chapter 4

Summary: After Roman leaves his family reunion mad at Remus, his car breaks down. The huge snow storm forces him into the forest hes always been told to stay away from. Who will he meet? And why are they being so nice? Most importantly, why are his teeth so sharp?

A/N: My self-indulgent magic/vampire fic! Let me know if I need to tag something or you wanna be tagged!

Relationship: Familial DAM, Eventual Roceit, Eventual Intrulogical

Warnings (per chapter): Small reference to past child abuse, mention of late parents, let me know if there anything else!

Catch up!: Master list, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

Word Count: 1869

Read on AO3!

Remus sat on the steps of his childhood house. Or well...mansion. Even he could recognize that this wasn't a house. It definitely wasn't a home either. 

He had his head in his hands thinking about everything that happened that night that led up to this point. He really, really messed up.

It wasn't that Remus thought that nothing bad would happen when he told that rumor to his mother. In fact he was quite hopeful some shit would go down. His mother would be the best to win over with her propensity for being very gullible. Then he was hoping he could just coast along to victory after she believed him. Sadly that worked and bit too well.

Remus knew everyone was hoping Roman would finally contribute to the family. So by giving him and wife, fake or not, would alleviate the worry in the family. They wouldn't question it too much. What he didn't account for was the fact that Roman never wanted that kind of attention.

Remus was kicking himself remembering the look on his brother's face as he ran from the ballroom. He looked scared and shook up. Remus was hoping he would take it as a joke, or at least play along until Remus could dispel the rumor. But It was already too late.

He ran right out the door and into the car and away before Remus could catch him. Which leaves Remus on the front porch in the snow regretting most of this night.

Remus just thinks too fast most of the time. Never being able to stop the next thought even if the first one isn't finished yet. It's not an excuse for putting Roman on blast, but it is a reason. He just never thought though to the consequences before he opened his mouth. The fact of the matter is that he should of asked Roman before he talked to anyone.

 Remus gave a heavy sigh as Remy came up from behind him. 

“Listen babe, you should come back inside for a bit. I’ll drive you home once nobody is looking for us.” He said solemnly.

“Where do you think he went? There so much snow, that car is a piece of shit and hes freaking the fuck out.” Remus said back, not hearing, or not caring about, Remy's first statement.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. Its fucking cold out here Rems. Lets go inside and talk about th-”

“NO! Remy you don't get it! Who knows what he could be doing or thinking! I never think! After all these years he's been the person this family hated the most and I certainly never helped him!” Remus stood up and started yelling at the snow falling. “I’m his twin brother and even I treat him so poorly.”

“I hear what you're saying and I raise you, you are the only one who has ever stuck by him. Yes you fucked up today Remus but he’s bound to forgive you. You have your own issues Rems. He knows you didn't mean it. Just give him a bit to calm down.”

“I know he’ll forgive me. He always does. He's the kindest person in the whole bitch ass family! But no one has ever been the same to him!” Remus groaned loudly at the sky. 

Remus turned back to look at Remy, who was still standing and shivering on the porch. Remy looked over Remus and nodded his head.

“You’re right. But you and him stick together. Just let him go for a bit. We’ll find him tomorrow.” Remy pulled a set of keys out of his coat pocket. “For now I’m sure that nobody is looking for us since no one came after us. Come home with me and then we will find him. Grab his coat before we leave though.”

Remus huffed then nodded back. He walked back inside to grab both him and Romans coats from the coat rack. He doesn't feel any better from what happened. He’ll have to have a long talk with Roman to try and figure this out. 

Remus walked out the front door to Remy's car.

 ~~~

Janus walked through the halls of his house, away from the guest rooms. He knew that there was no way that anyone could go in or out of that room without his knowledge. But that did little to alleviate his worry of having this stranger in his house. 

There was so much unknown with this stanger. How could he see Janus’ house from the road? That road was miles away from his house, and it is heavily snowing. Even if he could for some reason have seen his house, there should have not been a way for him to just wander into the forest. 

These woods were not the typical thick forest that one may travers as they want. Janus didn't want to say it had a mind of its own, but they may be the best way to describe it. It just...played by its own rules. He needed to go to his library and, though he didn't really want to, call a friend over. Maybe they would know more than he would about these things. ‘They probably won’t but it’s worth a shot.’ Janus thought.

Janus continued meandering his way to his home library, thinking of the possibilities of why this Roman could walk into the woods. 

‘I’ve lived in this damn forest for over a century and I’ve never met someone like this.” Janus thought. ‘It should have just sent him away. Humans can't walk in here. I certainly couldn't so why him?’ As Janus continued his inner monologue he passed by his son's door. Realizing this he stopped and took a step back.

Janus realized that before he goes to his library to inevitably get lost in his thoughts and books, he should check on his two sons. The night had had a lot of excitement; it had been just short of a nightmare getting the two to sleep.

He made sure to put the stranger into the room furthest away from any of the living quarters that either his kids or himself used. That being said, his room was the closet, then Virgils, the last being Pattons. 

He first peeked into little Virgil's room. The 3 year old was sleeping soundly in his crib. The poor child had the hardest time sleeping without some sort of song sung beforehand, not that Janus minded. He's pretty sure he would do just about anything for the little boy. He was just about ready to move into an actual bed, which Janus was not looking forward to. He's growing up too fast.

He still remembered when Virgil was a baby. He was so small and fragile. Janus has done many things in his life he was not proud of, but taking Virgil in will never be one of them. He will admit that taking in the infant was not what he had planned that day but he's forever glad he did.

He was a hard baby to take care of too. He was a mix of two beings that were told to never be together. And instead of punishing the parents, they went after the small child instead. Virgil was in pain most of his first months of life. His little body is a mix of things that have never been mixed. Janus was so glad he grew out of the pain, even if he still needed a little help sometimes. 

Taking little Virgil from his crib turned prison, was one of the best decisions of his entire life. 

Smiling softly at the sleeping child, Janus stopped his walk down memory lane. He was just so glad to have Virgil with him. Janus was determined to give this child a second chance that nobody else was willing to give him.

He silently closed the door to move to Pattons door. He cracked the door open in on the 8 year old. Luckily, he too was sound asleep. 

He's had Patton longer than he's had Virgil, but he didnt take Patton in as young as Virgil. He still thinks about Patton's story and gets a bit misty eyed. Janus had been great friends with Patton's biological parents, and though Patton didn't remember them much, Janus did. They were amazing forest witches and had a love for nature. They are the most loving people. Distantly Janus thought that you'd have to be to be friends with him. 

He would always rather have Patton's biological parents here, but he will never ever regret agreeing to being Patton's godparent. After Pat's parents passed, and he was left in Janus care, it was a large learning curve on how to be a parent. But now he wouldn't trade either of his sons for all the power in the world. 

Patton had scared Janus so bad when he opened the door for the stranger. Yes Pat wasn't used to visitors. But he was taught from a young age to never open the door alone. Janus had always preached safety to them both for fear of what lurked around in the woods. Pat was lucky the person behind the door was actually a person. They were going to have to reiterate the rules of the front door once the morning hit.

Closing the door to his son's room he finally let out his last strained sigh. It's been a long night even though it's already 2am. 

Finally catching some calm, Janus made his way just past his two sons' rooms into the fairly large library. The circular room went from the first floor all the way up to the third, and even a bit into the attic. It could be entered from any of those levels as well. Each shelf was completely filled with books. 

This is the place where he spends arguably the most time. Even his sons would hang out here with him. There just so many things that can be learned here.

Speaking of learning things, he needed to find out who the hell Roman was. There was no way this guy was who he said he was if he was able to see and walk into the forest. There were many things that could be happening here. Though Janus thought there were a few that were more likely than others.

No matter what though, Janus thought that there was no way in heaven or hell that Roman was trustworthy. 

Running his hands down the spines of the books and he walked around the room, Janus was looking for a specific book. After a few minutes of reading through the books with his fingertips he finally found the right book: ‘The Complete Book of Different Beings, Magic and Otherwise.’

“A-ha!” He whispered triumphantly. “This should be it!”

Taking the book to the corner of the room, Janus sat in his favorite chair. Not for the first time he's glad he doesn't need to sleep, he's gonna be here for a while. The book itself was quite large and he really didn't know where to start with Roman. 

With a contented sigh Janus opened the book, and started at the beginning.

~~~

Next Chapter

Taglist:

@primaveradoodles @bluerosesbleedred

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #eventual roceit #eventual intrulogical #vampire au #magic au #FftH #mention of child abuse #mention of late parents #verys fic

[antpernas]

11/17/20

you bitches better buckle up bc the trip to georgia went from bad to horrible VERY QUICKLY OSIDFLJSLDFK

SO just to note after i posted yesterday he came to the couch and started cuddling me while watching tiktoks and we were chatting and it was cute!! and i woke up feeling really good actually!! i was really confident that we were going to be able to enjoy the trip even without the intention of pursuing anything romantically afterwards! today we had plans to go around and look at atlanta, go thrifting, probably eat out too, etc. so i was really excited! and originally we were going to go to savannah today to go to the beach but then that went out the window alksfjslkdn

so i went to sleep the night before way earlier than dan, he had a presentation at 8 AM and he still hadnt completed the powerpoint for it. personally i thought he shouldve gone to sleep right when he did but he stayed up until 8 AM to present and then knocked out after. the consequence of that is that i woke up at 9 AM and was waiting for him to wake up all the way until 3 in the afternoon ASLKJLSKFDS

so finally he wakes up, i was kinda hoping that he would initiate the effort to actually go out like we had planned, especially since in our conversation on the drive home yesterday i had told him it really sucks to always be the one making the first effort literally all the time (not just with him but in general), and he said he would try to be more proactive to make me feel appreciated (that didnt happen aksfjlkf). so yeah no after thirty minutes of him not saying anything to me after he woke up i go ask him if hes still down to go out, and how i was waiting for him to wake up bc i didnt want to leave him alone in the aptmt to go thrifting cuz i thought that was mean, etc. he gets ready, we head out, he asks to drive my car and i say no bc he keeps breaking like a fucking maniac after id told him specifically not to bc it stresses me out !! we get in and head out

thrifting was pretty cool actually, there was like a LITTLE bit of awkward tension but it wasnt that bad, the thrift stores were super cool and i found some pretty nice stuff while i was there B) he also bought a bunch of stuff he liked so i thought it was a win win! we went and got food after, then we headed back to his place, which is where shit REALLY hit the fan

when we get back to his place he goes straight to his computer again. i go to the couch to eat, and after like a half hour of literally nothing–no chatting, no cuddling, he didnt even eat with me we just ate separately– i started looking into getting an airbnb and meeting other guys to try and salvage the trip. i told myself if he doesnt try to make a move to make me feel welcomed by the time my laundry was done, ill leave

THEN..... he starts getting dressed, and he heads to the door and he says to me “so youre gonna have the place to yourself for a little bit, im going to go out with some friends” and he leaves me alone in his house. this was extra ironic for me bc i remember before i had started the drive up and we were working out the details, i asked how long he would want me to stay, and he told me after wednesday he had a lot of stuff for school so he wouldnt be able to give me his attention or focus so he would feel bad if i stayed any longer; i said that that was totally fine and i thanked him for being considerate. and for that whole sentiment to be thrown out the window (if it hadnt ALREADY been bc he was just ignoring the fact that i was sitting on his couch twiddling my thumbs) when he left me alone in his house- yeah just comedy bitch COMEDYYY

and so i try to look into getting an airbnb and turns out i CANT bc my number is still linked to somebody elses fucking account and airbnb doesnt let you update it without access to the original account. at that fucking point i was pissed and i didnt even care about trying to salvage the trip so i just decide to drive home

i start getting my stuff ready and i messaging my friends about all this stuff, i end up facetiming my friend to tell them about it and their like “this is absolutely infuriating. youre not mad enough for me. burn that house down. steal his shit.” LOLLL it was just a mess!! i get all my stuff ready, i pack up my car and i leave

this one dude on grindr i was chatting to earlier had invited me over, i take him up on his offer and he was really sweet! we chatted about anime, played some video games for a little bit, his cat was adorable and it was a nice little thing. i was only there for an hour or so before i started heading home again

yeah all in all the trip was preeetttyyyyy much a bust, theres a lot of shit that pisses me off when i think about dan now (he was a huge hypocrite (he got mad at me for calling him out when he tried to excuse his behavior by saying it was bc of his trauma, but then made jokes about my r*pist.......), tbh kind of a sociopath, took a lot of pride in telling me about how hes so toxic and gaslights people all the time and i was just confused as to why he thought that would make me think any better of him at all/???, had a really concerning sense of humor that like took joy in suffering “ironically,” etc.) but i dont want to be resentful or spiteful or anything and honestly im not even that mad AT him!! he has a lot of potential in life and hes still super interesting, he just needs to heal a lot and GO TO THERAPY bc jesus fucking christ

but yeah thats my story about yesterday, im gonna write the one for today even though its not that eventful but i hope you enjoyed these little chronicles lakfsjlaksdf

#mydiary

[dearsubconscious]

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend reading my very first post on this page before continuing. This story has themes of emotionsl/psychological/narcissistic abuse. This is my true story. Readers be advised.

Sifting Through the Memories: Part One

Dear Subconscious,

6 years. It took you 6 years to tell me the truth. I don’t think you understand how impactful that actually is. Maybe you thought that you were helping me. Maybe you thought that the walls of ignorance that you had built were keeping me safe. I don’t think I will ever really know. However, those 6 years managed to do just as much damage to my life, if not more that the years prior, all because I didn’t understand.

Those 6 years were so confusing. I found the courage to leave her in fall of 2013, senior year of high school, but you waited until 2019 to explain what really happened during that 5-year-long relationship during my most vulnerable years. In the process of waiting all of that time, I had no real understanding of why I had these horrible habits or these self-destructive tendencies that ruined nearly all aspects of my life.

I knew and understood a lot about depression from middle school and high school; from class discussions on the topic; from the people I was close to at the time that suffered greatly from it; from the people that I helped through the dark via deep and open conversations late into the night over text; from the people I care about most struggling through it; perhaps most of all, from my own struggles with it.

I wasn’t really sure at the time why I was depressed, however. I tried to pin it on my apathy for school, which caused my bad grades. Deep down, I always knew that was actually a consequence of my depression, among other reasons, not a cause. I thought maybe it was because of my family situation at home that had been ever changing from around 4th grade on: parent divorces and marriages, arguments, moving houses and changing schools, new step siblings (I was an only child), destructive, alcoholic step parents. These things may have initiated some depression early on, and they may have been contributing factors over time, but I never really felt that any of these events were ultimately what led to my darkest moments in life. I always knew people my age going through worse things than I was, and they seemed to be keeping themselves together better than I was. So why was I having such a difficult time in life? Why couldn’t I keep up with everyone else? Why was my self esteem so low? My parents were always good at supporting me and giving me love and attention, so how could I feel so low? I just never actually knew until recently. Until it was beyond too late.

I was always taught to try to reach out and always be there to help those in need when they need it most and be a helping hand. It could save a life. And I know that I helped save some of my friends lives. I wasn’t looking for praise or to be a hero. I just wanted to make sure that everyone around me was okay. Maybe I was always hopeful that the favor would be returned should I ever need it. I still hold these values today, as I know that so many people just need to be heard to be saved.

Just like me.

Most of my friends knew that I didnt sleep well in high school. I didn’t know it at the time, but it turns out that was a symptom of my body and mind being in fight-or-flight mode at all times. I was too afraid to sleep for fear of making my girlfriend mad. This still affects my sleep habits to this day. More on that later. This, however, meant that all of my friends also knew that they could text me at just about any time, 24 hours a day, and I would most likely respond. For much of high school, it definitely seemed like I was talking to someone every night, helping them sort their thoughts out and generally letting them vent or open up about their emotions. These talks also, occasionally, had me talking people “back from the ledge” when things got really bad for several of my deeply depressed friends. I always remained anonymous about it for their sake, but I was always glad that I could be there to help in the middle of the night when they were at their darkest. I distinctly remember, in one week, for some reason, three of my friends from three different “walks of life,” unrelated from one another, had all gone through deeply traumatic events and I found myself texting and calling them late through the nights to keep them from making the ultimate decision. All of these years later and I am happy to say that nobody that I knew in high school has taken their own life to this day. It definitely feels a bit miraculous, since I know that my younger step siblings have each lost several friends to suicide during their high school years.

Being young an naive and constantly empathetic toward everyone around me meant that I also left myself very vulnerable and very easy to push around. I never saw it that way at the time, though. Again, naive. I left my empathetic ways open to be used. I didn’t think that anybody could use my kindness against me with malicious intent. Why would they? How could they? I was just being nice.

I suppose that should lead us back to 7th grade, where the real story began. In theater class, an elective I enjoyed in high school, I got to know people better that I hadn’t known before. I had started at a new school where I knew virtually nobody in 6th grade, and the experience of 6th grade didn’t leave much time to get to know anybody yet (though I did meet my best friend in 6th grade). The 7th grade schedule allowed us more time to meet and learn about people in our classes, and theater in particular was a class all about getting to know people so that you could perform characters well together.

This was where I really met her.

We had one other class together, French, but that class had a very strict teacher that allows no time for talking amongst ourselves, so seeing each other’s personalities in theater class meant much more. I remember she always wore the same sweater jacket everyday, just like me. She was small, shy and quiet and she tended to use the sleeves on her jacket to cover her hands. She would wrap her fingers over the ends of the sleeves, gripping tight as if it was protecting her, like some kind of shield. We had to present mini performances often in that class and I could tell that she was very nervous for one of her first ones. She was trying hard to recall her lines and was gripping hard and fidgeting with her sleeve trying to protect herself. I saw a lot of myself in her at the time and I had a lot of empathy for her in that moment. I tried to motion to her to let go of her sleeves so that she could appear more confident. She noticed my sitting in the back motioning, but I think I just looked crazy to her at the time. My use of empathy here should have been the first sign that I was approaching this relationship all wrong. I saw her as someone I could help because I could relate well to.

We started talking a bit in that class. Eventually I managed to convince her to chat with me on yahoo messenger after school so that we could talk more. Our phone plan at the time did not include texting or data, so I was stuck with using yahoo messenger at home on my desktop. We made this work though. I found out quickly that her mom had just gotten married without telling her to a man she didn’t like with two daughters that she did not get along well with. While I don’t entirely blame her for those feelings, even now, her deep apathy for this still probably should have been a red flag at the time, but I was too young and naive to see it at the time. Plus, I was going through something very similar at the time so we had a lot of connection through that. Our conversations were long and we learned a lot about each other. We would trade off asking each other simple questions, like what our favorite song was, or who our favorite family member was. I think this made us feel closer than we were, and at the time we didn’t feel so alone in a strange and lonely life.

She started venting to me about the, supposedly, traumatizing things that she had been going through with her moms marriage and the new people in her house. I should her a lot of sympathy during that time. This probably made her feel like she had someone that would listen to her deepest problems, but it was also the start of her use of my own empathy against me. She would start to use it to trap me in a conversation. Making me feel a little guilty if had to leave for dinner or homework. She didn’t really get angry, but I would always apologize a lot for leaving so she started to get annoyed with the frequency of my interruptions. At the time I thought absolutely nothing about this.

A short time later, I had decided that I definitely liked her because she would connect with and listen to me. I had gotten to know a few of her friends and I had even passed a note to one of her friends that I was thinking about asking her out. Her friend was immediately all over this and wanted me to do it soon. So, one day we were out in groups in theater class, and I remember eaves dropping in her group nearby where her friend was asking her if she likes me. She nodded yes and they discussed a bit. It was a bit of a blur from there, but one way or another I ended up asking her out by the end of that class and she agreed. I was giddy with excitement for weeks, of course. I felt like I couldn’t have asked for things to go better. Puppy love (a term I have come to loath as we called each other puppies for the entirety of the time that we dated. I realized later how she used it as a name to belittle me most of the time). That said, our actual relationship, behaviors and conversations did not change basically at all once we were dating.

Her family was a strict catholic family that taught her to be very uptight about relationships (or so she told me), so we didn’t even hold hands for months. It didn’t even seem like we were in a relationship at all. We were very young anyway, so nobody was really surprised. Summer quickly came around and I was off to see my family in Europe for a month. There was no way for me to communicate with her during that time. With the state of our relationship, that was actually okay. When I returned from that trip, I saw her within the following days and she seemed a bit distant. I asked if we were still together and she agreed, but she seemed a bit apathetic. Our conversations started again on yahoo messenger in the evenings and all seemed normal again.

School soon started again, 8th grade. We only had French class together and we just didn’t seem as connected. I could tell that she was putting some distance on me. I was developing new friends and I became caught up with them more often. Soon (around mid September), she told me that she thought that we should call it off. She felt that we were better off as friends. With the way things were and the fact that we never became very close, I agreed, but it still hurt a little. I had felt good about what we did have at the time, but I couldn’t blame her. I hadn’t helped to close the distance in the weeks before that.

I know, this seems inconsequential on my life up to this point and this clearly wasn’t 5 years, so what really happened. Well, it got a lot more complicated very quickly.

Up to this point, I don’t think that you were blocking much or trying to hide any pain. Not much of the damage had been done yet. You couldn’t have seen what was coming next, so how could I blame you. You didn’t do much to keep me from being very vulnerable around that time, though. You were probably sending up red flags that I didn’t understand because my conscious brain was blind and full of emotions that were blocking you out. I was a teenage boy after all.

To be continued.

Thank you for reading. I only write these when I am going through the low days, often after a PTSD trigger, when I have some sleepless time. It helps me collect myself. Updates to this will not be regular, but I hope that you can follow along. Most of all, I hope that sharing my story can help others that are in or have been in similar situations. This situation has had me feeling incredibly lonely for years. I don’t wish this pain on anyone and I hope that you can keep moving forward like I am. We are stronger together and most importantly: you. are. not. alone.

#abuse #emotions #story #memories #memory #hurt #pain #writing #aesthetic #my story #emotional abuse #narcissistic abuse #psychological abuse #thoughts #long reads #reading #middle school #depression #sorry for being depressing #depressing shit #high school

[bagelbite]

my thoughts on far from home

literally amazing oh my god. it is up there in my “absolute favourites” for both marvel movies and just movies in general. im just gonna word vommit my thoughts and then probably spam with other people’s posts lol.

!!!THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!

- okay so the obvious: the cast. bruh i mean we all know that tom holland is incredible and everything, but i will say im a little bitter that everyone is acting like jake gyllenhaal is this “new” actor like hello he has be phenomenal for years like im glad hes getting the attention now because his performance of mysterio was literally god tier (he went completely feral with the role and it was amazing). also zendeya and jacob batalon are amazing but we weren’t surprised about that

- “you deal with the suit, i’ll deal with the music” its fine im not sobbing or anything

- THE HUMOR oh my gosh this movie is so funny like it perfectly captures the unmatched chaotic energy of a lovestruck-highschool-boy-that-is-also-a-superhero. like john watts does such a good job of shooting this movie so you never get to forget that peter is just a kid and he’s learning how to do everything and hes confused but trying his best

- it has all of these amazing action shots that just capture and demonstrate how capable peter is with his powers and athleticism and this movie actually shows the spidersense (or the peter tingle) in an AMAZING way like bruh i was sitting on the edge of my seat in those scenes

- i once again have to emphasize just how amazing jake gyllenhaal is in playing mysterio, as well as mysterio as a character. this is finally a marvel villian that isnt boring and forgettable, like bruh BRUH mysterio is amazing. and i love the fact that he is just a human. like he doesnt have any of these insane or threatening powers, hes just amazingly smart and borderline off his rocker. like he starts off and hes composed and thinks ahead for every possible option and he keeps himself in control, but slowly through out the movie you see him just go further and further off the edge to where he gets desperate and lashes out and doesnt care about the consequences. but then the mid credit scene reveals that even when hes dead and pushed to his end, he still had a plan to get back at peter.

- i love how in peters eyes, the other kid that was going after MJ (i forgot his name) was essentially as big a problem as literal global destruction like what homeboy

- even dead im the hero DONT TALK TO ME

- THE ENTIRE PART WHERE QUINTEN IS JUST TORMENTING PETER AND MAKING HIM QUESTION EVERYTHING BRUH like obviously that shit hurt (he literally had to watch mj “die”, saw his father-figure and mentor rise from the grave and come to attack him, as well as feeling completely helpless multiple times, thinking hes safe when fury shoots quinten but then it reveals that it was just an illusion to only further that he cant trust anything he sees)

- he literally got his by a train can this boy please get a break hes like sixteen

- omg im gonna cry thinking about the part when happy came and peter was so relieved and then the trauma of the hallucinations came back and he immediately put his guard back up and was ready to fight or run if it wasnt happy, but then he just completely breaks down when he realizes that hes safe

- HAPPY IS ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED CHARACTERS IN THE MCU!!!!!! this man was there for tony’s entire journey and helped him every step of the way and he genuinely cared for tony as a friend and platonic companion, and he had to watch his best friend die. and then he watches the “adoptee son” of tony go through a very similar journey, but years sooner than tony ever had to deal with it. and he watches peter doubt himself in the same areas tony did, but now hes been through helping tony so he knows how to help peter too. idk man i love happy and i get mad when hes forgotten

- we arent even going to talk about all of the similarities between peter and tony like ow ow OW OW OW

- one question, the multiverse is fake right? bc quentin technically faked it right so that means it isnt real? i hope its not real tbh bc that would make stuff even messier than it already is

- tbh i didnt really like fury being talos in the end but idk we’ll see what they do

- THE MUSIC HOW HAVE I NOT MENTIONED THAT YET BRUH THIS SOUNDTRACK IS INCREDIBLE

- okay i was shook at how much character depth they were able to give flash in literally like a few seconds. 1) when they were being picked up at the airport he was greated by a butler or bodyguard or something and he says “could mother not make it” and 2) he looked genuinely effected finding out that “spiderman watches my instagram?!”. both of these show you that he is truly just a kid that is ignored and left behind by his family and he is desperately seeking attention from anyone he can get it. and it doesnt excuse his aggressive behavior towards peter, but it does explain it

- again on the filming style and director choices, i loved how they filmed quentin’s big reveal plan like a “brooklyn 99 introduction” as i saw it so perfectly describe by @universe-exe

- PETER HAD HIS WHOLE IDENTITY EXPOSED which like lets be honest it was coming this boy can never keep his mask on but still it should have been on his own terms AND ALSO IT WAS DONE IN A WAY THAT FRAMES HIM AS BEING THIS MANIAC VILLIAN LIKE BRUH AND WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT MOVIE TO FIGURE OUT LIKE WHAT WHAT WHAT IM FREAKING OUT

- as much as i love how whump filled this movie is, i feel so bad for peter. he has only been a superhero for a handful of years and he has been through SO much like can this boy please just go to school and be a high schooler. like if this keeps up at this rate, he will literally be peter b parker from spiderverse in a matter of years

but yeah those are my thoughts and im hurt i love this movie so much like bruh im seeing it again tomorrow and i will be buying it as soon as possible i love it so much

#ffh #spiderman #spiderman far from home #far from home #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #tom holland #jake gyllenhaal #zendaya #jacob batalon #peter parker #mysterio #quentin beck #mj #mary jane #ned leeds #my post

[gil-notskajla]

"Xerath's past from childhood to imprisonment" headcannon (including some of the cool ideas form @fattyaly ) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) let's go:

• Xerath had many scars from corporal punishments and brutal indelicacy of previous owners.

• Xerath's human height was below avarge - undernourishment durring his service as a lesser slave disrupted his childhood development. When Azir took him in, his diet became more proper but the damage was already done.

• Xerath was quite lonely, durring his service to royal family. When he was a normal slave, he had his mother, father (when he was still alive) and other slaves. Everyone worked together and supported each other in the darkest hours. When Azir made him his personal slave, his living conditions improved greatly but his unusualy close bond with a royal elevated him in the eyes of fellow slaves who didnt know how to treat him anymore - as one of their own, or as someone above them, not to mention the jealousy, while for free citizens and nobility he was still a mere slave and nothing more.

• He had other slaves working under him as for example his bodyguards, who he cared for and did everything he could to improve their living conditions, since he experienced the same life when he was younger. They were also an additional motivation for his plans of slavery abolishment.

• Xerath and other slaves serving the royal court members created an information net and that's how he knew the gossips better than Azir.

• That's how he learned that Azirs father truthy despises his last alive son - Emperor didnt keep his tongue behind the teeth around slaves who served him. Mistake.

• Xerath knew that Azir was really close with his mother. That's why he tried his best to make her infertile, soo that killing her wouldnt be nessesary. He failed and knew that Azir's assasination from that point on was just a matter of time. He chose his and Azir's lives over rest of royal family.

• Xerath risked his relationship with Azir constantly to make him realise that slaves are people with feelings and needs too. Azir took quite long to finally acknowledge that but even smallest progress in that matter made Xerath proud of him.

• Xerath probably didn't appreciate Azir sleeping with slave girls. After all they couldn't say know, but he couldn't stop Azir from doing this...

• Azir provided him with a great autonomy, mostly for executing his will, which sometimes gave Xerath seemingly greater power than some noble houses what annoyed literally everyone.

• Xerath's parents were his teachers and only people who he would ever call his family besides Azir. They planted the concept of freedom in his mind which stayed with him forever. Mental image of his parents, their unconditional love has been inseparably tied to concept of freedom. That turned family and freedom into highest values for him.

• That's also why Xerath turned 180° soo rapidly when Azir "officially abadoned" the freedom project. Azir was the only family ever since Xerath lost contact with his mother. By remminding Xerath that he is indeed, just a slave and not in fact his brother, he violated not only one but two of Xeraths highest values - freedom and familial bond.

• At first Xerath was a bit jealous of Azir's wife but knowing he could never compete with her for Azir's attention and conflict would mean Azir getting annoyed with him, they ended up on good terms. By this i mean of course ideal benelovent, kind master/docile, friendly slave relationship. After Azir "betrayed" Xerath, Xerath acted the same way towards her to not arouse suspicion but since he no longer believed Azir to be his brother, he no longer thought of her as his potential future family. (Azir's oldest official son was around 18 (close to adulthood) when  the cataclysm happened soo he had to be married for at least 18 years, probably he got married before his final refusal to Xerath. Also, that would make them at least 36 years old at the time of Ascension.)

• Same for Azir's first son. At first he was happy for Azir, that his step-brother has a child, but after the fight, he didnt care anymore. Every next child just remminded him how priviledged they are, how horrible his childhood was and how many children are still being born to slavery while they lead idyllic and ignorant lives.

• Xerath wanted to steal the empire and impersonate Azir after Ascension in which he would make it look like he himself died.

• Xerath had access to Azir's Ascension ritual preperations. He gained as much information as he could about the mechanism of ascending and adjusted it to himself in order to gain as much power as possible in case his role-swap-by-assasination didnt work, he couldnt impersonate azir and had to actually force everyone to obey him despite his true identity (that would explain why his plan was "in motion" and why he "couldnt back down no matter how much part of him wanted to").

• After Azir fullfiled his promise Xerath knew that Baccai are a thing (it was probably common knowledge soo, duh) and was afraid that his personal adjustments would cripple Azir what would bring dishonor on him in the best case scenario and get him detronised/banished hopefully together with his family, court and Xerath, or kill him in the worst. If Azir died, his life would be over as well, since he made many enemies and Azir was the only person keeping him on the top - in position from which he could do anything. Without Azir, Xerath was nobody. And he couldn't tell Azir that he spiked his Ascension ritual and risk his rage. In this situation he could only utter "I'm sorry." and proceed with his plan wondering why Azir didnt tell him and carrying the confusion, guilt and anger for the rest of his life.

• By impulsively blasting Azir of daasis, Xerath made it very clear that he is sabotaging the ritual. That probably caused him to panic that Sun Priests will stop the ritual what would cause him to become either weak and crippled Baccai, die or just allow the soldiers to capture and execute him. With his magic he forced Priests to continue, desperately, for as long as he could. In fear of consequences and unaware of his surroundings he prolonged the ritual what drained the Disc, caused the shockwave, initiated the cataclysm, disintegrated his ascending body and turned him into unique, unstable, energetic being.

• Ascension ended with stasis in which he got lowered back to the ground, barely concious. Nasus and Renekton were already waiting for him with sarcophagus, ready to catch him. That explains why he didn't manage to react and got captured soo easily.

• In the tomb, Xerath and Renekton fought for days but when Renekton realised he is unable to kill Xerath and Xerath not really caring if Renekton dies or not, they found themselves their own corners where they sat alone with their demons, sometimes talking to each other when in desperate need of social interaction.

• Xerath is indeed the most powerfull Ascended in terms of raw power but his body is very unstable. He can literally kill himself by destabilisation from using too much of his magic.

• Soo many horrible things happened on the day of Ascension, that if he addmited that he was the one responsible for death of thousands, not only randoms and Azir but probably also many aquaintances of even friendsp, he would go complitely mad. He told himself the entire story over and over and over again, twisting it bit by bit every time to justify his actions and why all this bloodshed was nessesary in order to fool himself and subconciously protect his mind from insanity by blaming everything on Azir and his bloodline.

• He repressed the fact that he is a Baccai. He stays in denial soo that he wont have to acknowledge that despite all that hard work, he failed everyone, even himself and became fragile like glass. He stays in denial deluding himself that there is nothing wrong with him and hiding it from himself by prising his "flawless" ascended form, hoping that the problem will cease existing if he forgets about it.

• Xerath and Renekton probably learned how to fall into some form of stasis in order to loose conciousness and skip time because, as fucked up as they are, they are in really good shape as for people who have spent 36,000 times longer period of time than avarge recommended dose of isolation causing irreversible mental damage irl. (i think that riot kind of forgotten about them when making the timeline and now stasis is the only logical explanation for how well preserved their minds are.)

#league of legends #lol #lore #headcanon #headcannon #xerath #nasus #renekton #azir #xerath's past #owo #shurima