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poemsillneversend · 2 months

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“I loved him in ways I understood, full of physical aches and the need to be near him whenever I could. But I also loved him in ways that were unfamiliar, with an intensity that made me willing to attempt the impossible.”

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poemsillneversend · 2 months

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— Thanksgiving 2006, Ocean Vuong, from 'Night Sky with Exit Wounds'

[text ID: Brooklyn's too cold tonight

& all my friends are three years away.

My mother said I could be anything

I wanted — but I chose to live.]

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poemsillneversend · 2 months

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Was it just casual when you swept my living room floor?

Was it just casual when we made a nest of pillows and blankets for us to just sleep together on?

Was it just casual when we lay face to face, as close as we can?

Was it just casual when our legs intertwined?

Was it just casual when we fell asleep in each others arms?

Was it just casual when you said you were falling for me?

Was it just casual when you teased me all night?

Was it just casual when you kissed me in the hallway?

Was it just casual when you knocked the wind out of me and took my breath away and made me feel the sparks fly?

Was it just casual when you encouraged me every step of the way?

Was it just casual when you taught me all your moves and all the ways you like to be touched?

Was it just casual when I cooked you dinner?

Was it just casual when we couldn’t seem to tear our eyes or hands or lips away from each other?

Was it just casual when you tacked me with cuddles?

Was it just casual when you gently brushed my hair out of my eyes and tucked it behind my ear and kissed me slowly and passionately?

Was it just casual when you told me your life story? Was it just casual when you were the first person to ever actually listen to me tell mine?

Was it just casual when you were kind and patient and sweet and sexy and everything I’ve ever wanted?

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poemsillneversend · 2 months

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I still think of you all the time. It still hurts.

I thought I was ready to move on but I guess I was just lonely.

Now when I see someone has grayish blue eyes all I can see is your eyes and the way you used to look at me.

I’ll never forget it.

You used to look at me like maybe you could love me.

Maybe you did. It’s a shame neither of us were ever brave enough to say it out loud. At least not intentionally.

I always thought we’d have more time.

You always said you’d be there for me but where have you been?

You’re still the only one who has ever had my blood on their hands

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poemsillneversend · 3 months

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If we were anything but two people who can’t seem to love each other at the same time,

I think you’d be the Sun on a hot summer day.

So bright and intense you warm up everything just with your light.

I’d be a honeybee, bumbling around in your garden.

Dying of thirst, searching for shade and water that I’ll never find.

Depending on the nectar from your flowers. Unable to fly too far way.

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poemsillneversend · 4 months

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Puppet Master // Guard Dog

You hope I’m doing well but doesn’t matter if I don’t reply.

You hope I’m not bitter but I was fearful frozen half my life.

You hope I’ve got what I deserve, but did I deserve what you did?

Because I know that you know what you did.

And you break the silence after 11 years just to say that you hope I take care.

But you never cared about me, you liked pulling my strings.

Made me dance, made me sing.

Molded all of me just how you liked.

You found me naive and fourteen, scars covered with sleeves

But refused to believe I could die.

Was I never a real girl to you?

Was I just your pretty puppet?

The brand new addition to the collection you covet?

Did you start slashing at strings just out of boredom?

You cut all my ties, I hung on by a single thread.

Were you a little sad when inside I just felt dead?

Was it fun playing games with the doll you choked?

Can a puppet master ever care for the toys he broke?

I hope the guilt eats at you.

I hope it hurts to face it.

I hope you’re ashamed of the ways that you acted.

I hope you’ve grown up enough to never again cause this kind of hurt

I hope my pain haunts you,

I hope that you cried, drown out the last decade in tears.

Why else would you need to reach out after all these years?

Because I know that you know what you did.

Alone in that house, I still can’t breathe in basements.

In windowless rooms, you taught me what shame is.

Why didn’t you stop when you saw me so shaken?

Did you steal my soul just so you could break it?

Thoughtless thieves never care, he just takes it.

You hated my friends and you hated my music.

You said they were bad for me, how was I so stupid?

You said you were all I need. Oh so convincing.

Put me on a leash then slowly, you reeled me in.

You turned me into the perfect guard dog.

Defend you loyal to the whole world.

Muzzled my mouth and sharpened my teeth, then you trained me to bark and to bite

I scared away all who might get too close to us

Just so you could keep control, under the guise of love.

All that I loved, you’d disapprove.

Then you made me choose, to fight or take flight?

When I finally broke free, you waited impatiently til I came crawling back.

It made perfect sense, after all, you made sure you were all I had.

When I stayed away too long, you publicly unleashed your rage,

And within weeks I saw myself easily replaced by some other poor girl who was just my age.

As soon as I could I ran far away

Never felt far enough, across only four states.

No thanks to you, I survived, I even learned to live.

And I’ve long moved on from your abuse, but I can’t forgive.

I hope I never absolve you of guilt.

I hope I never hear you gloat.

I hope I never see you again.

And I hope you get punched in the throat.

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poemsillneversend · 4 months

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Honeybee

Your eyes

stormy summer skies

Getting caught in the rain.

Deep dive

Polar plunge

Freezing me out again

My eyes

Twin black holes

Pulling you in

But You said that when the

sunlight hits me just right,

I turn to warm pools of honey

Would you stay when it’s sunny?

And at night, you held on so tight

But would you be with me if I’m sticky, sickly sweet?

Would you call me your honeybee?

You say I’m soft.

But maybe I just soften for you.

You don’t know

That I can be tough.

and I can be rough.

But baby for you I’d just like to be enough.

You say I’m like water and you hold me like I’m water and you’re lost in the desert for life.

Dying of thirst but won’t drink me any more

You’d rather swallow her knife.

Is this nectar just too sweet?

Can’t I be your honeybee?

Now I sit through each new full moon

and talk with the stars about you

They say maybe you think of me too sometimes

I know you were never mine

I’ll call it a flawed design

And now whenever you’re

nearby,

Still feel your sunshine,

Bright, warm and cozy

Now I wonder what you see.

Am I still your honeybee?

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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“I was not made for casual.

I was made for soul crushing devotion”

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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In another life, we’ll stay up all night together.

We’ll manage our lives together seamlessly.

We’ll clean on Saturday mornings so we can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

I’ll make the coffee and pick out an album for us to jam out to.

You’ll sing along to our favorite songs while making pancakes.

We’ll laugh and dance and you’ll use the batter-covered whisk as a pretend microphone.

We’ll finish cleaning up after breakfast, and I’ll join you in the shower.

We’ll scrub each others backs, and make out while rinsing off under the hot water.

You’ll follow me back to bed, the bed you freshly made with clean sheets just hours ago.

We’ll make a mess of it and make it up again.

You’ll tuck in the corners.

We’ll spend the afternoon at the library.

I’ll pack a picnic and you’ll read your old favorite books to me.

I’ll kiss you in the dusty History section, and when I think no one is looking,

I’ll touch and tease you some more.

You’ll take me to the bathroom and lock the door because you want me so bad

You just can’t wait any longer.

We’ll get caught and almost get thrown out and we’ll run away laughing.

I’ll drive us home, but maybe I’ll stop somewhere secluded first

And touch you just how you like it, from the safety of the backseat.

In another life, we’re so fucking good together.

I’ll hold you when you need to cry,

you’ll make me a hot cup of tea when I forget how to take care of myself.

We’ll cook dinner together.

I’ll wash the dishes and you’ll put them away.

I’ll clean and cut up fruits and vegetables to snack on.

You’ll motivate me to be good to myself when I don’t feel like it.

We’ll remind each other to take our vitamins and meds.

I’ll make you a smoothie when you don’t feel like eating.

You’ll tell me I’m beautiful when I don’t recognize my own reflection.

I’ll tell you you’re worth the world, because you are.

I’ll sweep the floors so you can mop.

I’ll do the laundry and you’ll mow the lawn.

When we’re both having a bad day,

We’ll let each other be as grouchy as we need to without judgement.

You’ll kiss me when I can’t make myself get out of bed.

I’ll gently play with your hair when you can’t sleep.

I’ll say something careless on occasion and you’ll be rightfully upset.

We’ll both feel guilty.

I’ll shut down and you’ll implode.

You’ll call me out and I’ll get defensive.

I’ll take way too long to process and understand my feelings as well as yours,

And you’ll get tired of explaining it to me and eventually give up.

You’ll feel invalidated and I’ll feel confused.

We’ll work through it and try not to hurt each other again,

Even though we both know it’ll happen again anyways.

We’ll grow to resent each other in new ways.

In another life, maybe we’re still no good for each other.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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In another lifetime,

Another world,

Another reality,

I think we could make each other really happy.

I’m just not sure that we can in this one.

If things were different,

I could love you so much better.

If things were different,

We wouldn’t be so scared

Of meaning so much to each other.

If things were different,

We wouldn’t be so scared

Of hurting each other.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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We’re so similar.

We connect on so many levels.

We both have to fight our own minds

Just to feel okay a lot of the time.

We’ve been broken in the same ways.

What if we’re the same kind of broken?

The kind of broken that can’t be fixed?

What if, no matter how hard we try,

We’re not good for each other?

If I can’t put myself back together,

And you can’t put yourself back together,

Then why would we think that…

Maybe we could help each other heal?

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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Once I start to catch feelings for somebody

they don't really ever go away.

Like obviously not everyone I've ever had feelings for is still in my life

for one reason or another

And I move on from it eventually.

But it's like a part of each one of my old loves

Just sort of stays with me in a way.

Does that makes sense?

It’s like my heart is haunted by ghosts of my past loves.

What I’m saying is…

Whether you decide to leave me or stay,

I’ll be stuck with you anyways.

What I’m saying is…

I’m not going anywhere.

I’m actually incapable of it.

I really hope you choose to stay.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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I dive right in.

I swim down and touch the bottom of the deep end.

You wade in through the shallows slowly.

But I’m patient.

Since I can’t love you less,

I’ll just tread water.

And hold my breath while I wait for you.

Please just keep swimming to me.

Don’t let me drown out here all alone.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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You want to slow down.

You want to take your time.

Maybe absence makes my heart grow fonder.

Maybe I just miss you.

I want to love you too hard.

I want to accidentally tell you too soon and not scare you away.

I’ll take it back.

I’ll say I didn’t mean it.

Because I know it’s too soon

And it really was an accident because it honestly was.

You’ll say it’s cute.

I’ll throw my phone across the room.

And lay face-down,

Gently rest my forehead on the floor.

Panic for 5 minutes or so.

My cat sits under the couch.

When I look up and make eye contact with her, she looks so confused.

She’s never seen me quite like this before.

I’ll learn to laugh at myself.

And appreciate how my heart can feel things so intensely.

You’ll say don’t stress.

I’ll say I’m sorry.

You’ll say thank you.

How long do you wait to tell someone you love them?

I wonder if I’ll ever get the chance to tell you on purpose.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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He said it to me once,

Snuggled up to me

Our legs intertwined,

And our eyes half asleep,

And our lips mumbling wishes for sweet dreams,

That he’s falling for me.

My heart does a backflip inside my chest.

And then another.

Doesn’t he know I’m already in love?

I haven’t been hiding it that well.

I start dropping hints.

The next week I tell him directly that

I’m falling too. Hard.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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I’ve always fallen in love too fast.

Too hard.

Too soon.

And with him it’s been worse than ever.

I’m too intense.

Too much.

Too needy.

I think I’m in trouble.

And I don’t even really care

If it means I still get to see him.

Maybe it will end horribly

but I can’t believe it won’t have been worth it.

I want this to work out so badly.

I’m so scared of ruining this.

Of saying the wrong thing,

Of being too much.

Too little.

Too broken.

Too needy.

I haven’t scared him away yet

even though I’ve showed him more of my closeted skeletons

More than anyone ever.

Maybe he cares about me too much to run.

Or maybe he doesn’t care about me enough for them to matter.

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poemsillneversend · 6 months

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With my ear pressed to his chest,

I swear I can hear both of our heartbeats going haywire.

Or maybe my own heart is just pounding so loud in my own ears

that I’ve mistaken it for his?

I know he likes me and is attracted to me.

But I worry he will only ever love me out of convenience.

I don’t want to be just convenient.

I want to love him without holding back.

With him ieverything is different.

Next level.

Magnetic.

Electric.

Molecular.

What if the spark I feel is only one-sided?

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