#you know whats the normal like to reblog ration i expect of someone going through my blog? 10:1 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

magireco · 3 years

Note

Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!!

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc...

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka...

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation.

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them.

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

#asks #luna-mistrunner #homura akemi #analysis #THIS MAY HABE TAKEN ME LIKE 2 DAYS ON AND OFF

94 notes · View notes

teaboot · 4 years

Text

To clarify on my previous post, I'm not trying to make self harm seem like a fun and quirky thing that's harmless and normal.

What I AM trying to do is introduce the concept of it to people from me, a real life human being, instead of a twelve-page Super Serious Danger Warning to parents of depressed teens, complete with grayscale photos of tween girls huddled in corners.

There's a lot of shame and stigma around self-harm that extends to those recovering from it, and it took me, personally, a long time to get over that in order to say something and get that help you're talking about.

And, surprise! I'm a grown, fully rational adult with a house and a job and fulfilling personal relationships- I know full well all the facts and statistics and psychology behind it, and I can tell you with absolute sincerity that the whole, "just don't do it!" Argument is about as useful to someone self-harming as, "just walk away!" Is to someone being bullied.

I've heard what you're saying a hundred times, and I do appreciate that it comes from a good place, but the truth is that it's antiquated and out of touch and doesn't really address the foundation of the problem.

You want to help someone who's self harming? *Really* help them?

Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't demand to know what they were thinking or invade their privacy or treat them like they can't be trusted, like they're stupid, or like they're going to off themselves any minute.

Just... Offer to listen. Spend some time hanging out. Shoot them a text every now and then. Try not to stare.

And if they decide to try and quit, be supportive! Don't force them into it, but be encouraging. Celebrate milestones. Be empathetic of relapses, because they happen to everyone.

People live up or down to your expectations of them. If you see them as a fucked up nutcase, they'll feel like one, and things will get worse.

If you see them as they are- a regular person, the same one you know and love, struggling through something difficult- you'll both be much better equipped.

I'm an adult, I'm a trauma survivor, I love my job, I'm an excellent artist, I enjoy fantasy movies, my favourite cologne smells like pine, I collect handmade ceramics, I'm a morning person, my friends are family, and I'm a recovering self-harmer.

I resent my identity being eclipsed by any one of the things that shape me.

Yes, this is okay to reblog.

#Self harm #Self harm tw #Mental health #Suicide mention #Suicide tw #Depression

1K notes · View notes

weasleymalfoypotter · 3 years

Text

i hate you (but not really) pt4

draco malfoy x fem!syltherin! potter reader

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

summary: draco malfoy and harry potters twin sister have hated each other since they met. but in 5th year he comes to find that maybe he doesn’t hate her and the reasons he did end up be the things he loves

word count: 2k

warnings: fluff, a little angst, cussing

A/N: i am honestly really proud of this chapter and i’m really excited for the next two. i think there are only gonna be six parts but i really hope you enjoy this one. please like and comment suggestions or criticism and feel free to reblog!! also i have a lot of stuff coming out soon so stay updated and i’ll be posting a master list once i post more fics

it’s safe to say that i am in love with draco malfoy. these last few months have been ethereal. we took our time in getting to know every detail about each other, although it wasn’t necessarily by choice. it was a lot more difficult than we thought it would be to spend time together like a normal couple would do while hiding the relationship from everyone we knew and even those we didn’t. we decided very early on that it would be best to keep it a secret for now. if his family found out about us it wouldn’t end well for him and if my brother and godfather found out... it would end very early for him. it was actually fun keeping it a secret, always sneaking around the castle, learning everyone’s routines to keep away from prying eyes, and hiding away from other prefects and filch. we abused our prefect positions to help with the whole secret relationship which is exactly what we aren’t supposed to do as prefects but it’s justified in my mind.

we’ve been together in secret for 6 months now and i think we’re both tired of not being able to sit next to each other in the great hall, walk and in hand to classes, kiss when everyone was watching, and simply go to hogsmeade together like a normal freaking couple.

we went to my dorm room after dinner on thursday night and made sure no one saw him come in. i didn’t have any roommates , thank merlin, so we didn’t have to worry about that. we cuddle up next to each other just talking about anything and everything until he moved from underneath me to sit up, criss crossed, in the middle of my bed and spoke

“i think it’s time” he was being serious and goofy at the same time which was just adorable but i was stubborn and wouldn’t tell him that. i raised my eyebrows at his statement and questioned him.

“what are you talking about?” i tilted my head to the side, voice calm and unwavering. i knew what he was talking about but i was terrified. i also knew he would be right.

“i’m talking about us, about telling people, if it gets back to my parents i’ll just tell them it’s a silly rumor. the only thing we have to do is tell your brother” his voice trailed off at the end of his statement. telling harry was the terrifying part

“i want to tell people, i really do, but harry is going to be so unbelievably upset, you have no idea. not only have i been lying to him for the past 6 months, i’m also in love with his arch nemesis who he’s hated for the past 5 years. it’s not going to go well” i was talking animatedly with my hands.

“i know but we have to get it over with sooner or later, and it’ll only be worse if it’s later” he’s right. and i hate it. i sighed and laid back on my bed and pulled me next to him. “i know you don’t want to but it really won’t be that bad”

“what were the last words my brother said to you?” he chuckled but didn’t say anything and i knew it’s because it would prove my point. “exactly. he’s going to hate me” he was tracing circles on my arm and he kissed the top of my head

“he’s not going to hate you, trust me, i used to and we saw how well that ended” we both laughed, he always made me laugh when i needed it.

“i would say it ended rather nicely” i said with a smile tilting my face to look at his. he was smiling and i loved it. i took in his features and tried to suppress this moment to memory, trying to take a mental picture of him because he was just perfect. he looked down at me laying on his chest, looking at him with my e/c eyes and i just melted.

“it ended better than nicely in my opinion” he was smiling and it was beautiful. he leaned his head down to kiss me and the only words to describe this moment and every other i’d spent with him was perfect.

here it goes. time to tell harry. or not. let’s not. dammit i cant, i promised draco i would do it. harry would usually keep me updated on their common room password so i could hang out with them or study away from the slytherins so i made my way to the portrait hole. i said the password and walked in. sure enough harry, hermione, and ron were at a couch, hermione doing homework while harry and ron talked. upon hearing someone come in they lifted their heads and smiled when they saw me.

“y/n! hey i’ve barely seen you all day where have you been?” harry asked. he hadn’t seen me all day because i was so nervous about telling him that i avoided him like the plague.

“oh you know, classes and prefect stuff has been keeping me really busy lately” i nodded fondling with my hands awkwardly

“tell me about it, i’ve been studying nonstop and i think i might fall over at any given moment.” hermione was exhausted and you could hear it in the way she spoke while she scribbled with her quill.

“you alright y/n? you look flustered” ron showed concern on his face and he was right, i am very flustered, but he gave me a segue.

“listen i actually need to tell you three something” this caught their attention and hermione put her quill down as they lifted their heads up

“what’s up?” harry asked

“okay so you have to promise me to be calm...at least at first, and don’t get mad right away because i’ll explain everything” they all looked so worried but i knew they weren’t expecting what i was going to say.

“y/n what’s going on?” harry questioned.

“promise me. all three of you. you have to promise”

“okay we promise” hermione stated and the boys nodded in agreement. i let out a breath and decided to get it over with

“so... i um..” i sighed “i’m dating someone” their faces lit up at this, harry looked excited but concerned at the same time

“who is it?! why didn’t you tell us you liked someone? when did this happened?” ron questioned before anyone else could get a word out. he was happy for me, you could hear it in his voice, and it warmed my heart but in a few seconds he wouldn’t be so warm.

“okay this is the part where you can’t get mad” they nodded, and harry just wanted to know who was dating his sister. “umm, i- uh... okay. it’s draco malfoy” i said the last part quickly and i bit my bottom lip ready for the world to fall apart. hermione’s eyebrows furrowed and her mouth dropped. ron’s eyes were wide and he was blinking as he started daggers into me with his mouth agape, and harry didn’t skip a beat.

“what the hell do you mean ‘it’s draco malfoy’!” he stood as he spoke and he was trying so hard not to completely yell but he was so confused and on the verge of pure rage.

“i mean that i’m dating draco malfoy” i stated simply. he blinked and the other two stayed silent to let him react.

“NO YOURE NOT!!”

“yes i am, now if you let me explain-“

“THERES NOTHING TO EXPLAIN Y/N!” i looked at him with pleading eyes and he took a deep breath. “okay okay there has to be some rationality to this so explain what the hell is going on. explain to me why you’re ‘dating’ the most foul, evil, and terrible person we know. explain to me how you could do this. explain to me how this is supposed to be okay” he said angrily and quite loudly. i took a deep breath and looked away before meeting his eyes again

“he isn’t foul and evil and terrible actually” i stated calmly.

“HA!! right and voldemort didn’t kill our parents. how long has this been going on?” he was flinging his hands around as he talked. i looked at my feet “y/n... how long has this been going on?”

“six months.” i said quietly, but he heard me. his face dropped

“i’m sorry, what?” he blinked hard “you mean to tell me that you’ve been dating draco fucking malfoy behind my back for six months?! you’ve been lying to me for six months?”

“i didn’t know how to tell you. i knew you wouldn’t understand and we wanted to keep it a secret for a while” ron and hermione were listening intently to everything still in shock

“OF COURSE I WOULDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!” he ran a hand through his hair and took another deep breath “y/n how, why would you ever be with him? how could you trust him? how could you trust anything he says? how could you excuse his behavior?” he had a point...but i had an answer. and one that he couldn’t dispute.

“i know he was horrible for the longest time but he never wanted to be. everything he did in the past was because of his father and he has hated himself for it his whole life, he’s wanted nothing more than to apologize. it’s not an excuse and he knows that, especially with everything he’s said to you” i looked at hermione “but that’s not him.” i spoke with a pleading tone trying to get them to understand that draco isn’t terrible and loathsome.

“and how can you believe all of that? how can you trust what he’s telling you?” i looked at all three of them before i answered

“because he took off his ring” their faces showed even more shock than when i initially told them that i was dating draco malfoy behind their backs for six months.

“he what?!” hermione asked.

“back in september he told me he liked me, i asked all the questions you did. i asked him how i could trust him, so he took off his ring. i saw draco for he really is and not what we all though him to be” i sighed while harry sat down took all of this in. knowing that draco was being honest and that he was actually kind is a shock for most at first. ron was still speechless

“i still just- i don’t know how to...process this” harry said after pulling his face out of his hands

“i know and i don’t expect you to understand and be totally excepting at first but once you get to know him for who he really is, you’ll understand.” ron finally spoke up next

“he really has left everyone alone all year, no bullying, pranks, nothing. i guess that makes sense now.”

“this is so weird” hermione said “i honestly can’t imagine him any other way than how we’ve known him”

“he’s actually the biggest dork ever. he’s sweet, and funny, and...just wonderful” i said. now that everything settled down i felt better. their responses were different because there was no lying when i was in someone’s mindscape. they had to believe what i said i saw in his head. i sat down next to harry and he spoke

“don’t go expecting us to be buddies anytime soon, but if you really say that all of this is true and he really is a good person underneath his... facade, i’ll trust you” i hugged him and hermione and ron joined in

“i love you guys” i said and a chorus of i love you too’s surrounded me. this went better than i expected and i knew draco would be happy that tomorrow we could walk into the great hall hand in and hand for the first time.

TAGS: @idkmanicantenglish @dracoswhore007 @lordlodge

84 notes · View notes

zhansww · 4 years

Text

I’ve been wondering how exactly the misunderstanding of my last rambling post came to be and I think it’s cuz of one of two things; cuz I didn’t make it clear what I consider the word “queer” to mean or cuz I didn’t make it clear that the post itself was my own, subjective opinion. I’m not sure how consistent I’ve been with tagging it but I kinda differentiate between (what I think are) rational opinions I have vs emotional ones. The latter ones are obviously subjective and should not be taken as me, lecturing anyone or implying that everyone should feel the same. You either share the same sentiment or you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with it either way. And if my words in those posts seem hostile/condescending, it’s cuz I don’t feel the need to censor any of my subjective views/feelings. What I do think is important and what I try to pay attention to is not to let the negative emotions that certain things evoke in me control my actions. When I see something that I disapprove of in any way, I don’t hijack that post or report it. If my emotional reaction is particular strong, I’ll vent about it in my own post, not theirs. I considered this to be the decent thing to do but I’ve been told by at least one kind, respectful and open-minded person that I am actively making people’s lives worse with those posts, that my words are violent and that my behavior is that of an “unhinged monster” (the irony here is not lost on me). So I’ve been reflecting and I think the next time I feel a particular strong, negative emotion that makes me want to vent, I’ll put a disclaimer beforehand. And now, let me just actually clarify what my point was of that post. I believe that yz is real so I obviously do not assume they are straight. If they are indeed together, then they are queer - i.e. not straight - but that’s literally it. I have no theories or thoughts about what their specific orientation might be and I won’t ever speculate about that either. I wouldn’t mind knowing but unfortunately, they can’t be openly together right now but when they someday are, they’ll hopefully also feel safe and loved enough to share something like that with us. I know for a fact that figuring out your sexuality is a confusing and intimate process which is why I am opposed to speculating about it. I consider it to be too intrusive. But again; that is my subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I do not expect everyone to share this sentiment. One person said that I should expect such speculation and that might be true, maybe I should expect it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing certain bxg get mad at solos for assuming yz are straight but then turn around and assume they are [insert any specific sexuality except het] is hypocritical and disappointing in my opinion. I think it’s perfectly fine to have such emotional opinions as long as you don’t let those emotions cloud your judgement and lead to you, reacting in a way that is unreasonable and possibly harmful. I also think that everyone should be willing to have their rational opinions questioned but when it comes to an emotional opinion, it doesn’t have to make sense and it’s probably not gonna change either. To give another example; I hk disapprove of yz r/p/f. And that’s not me, saying it is inherently wrong and that no one should do it. In fact, you could try to make a case about how I should like it and approve of it but it wouldn’t make me change my mind precisely because this opinion is not based on logic but just on emotion. And again, as long my emotional reaction to something doesn’t lead to unreasonable actions, then the emotion itself is alright to have. And like I already said, I thought it was okay to vent those emotions in my safe space but apparently, it isn’t. No one should take those posts personally or like I’m talking to them or lecturing them. I thought that this was all obvious but since I got told otherwise, I will be more concise from now on.

You know, when someone starts a “discussion” by insulting you (implicitly or not), that’s usually a clear sign that they’re not even trying to understand you. I’ve seen at least one person reblog the reblogs and seemingly take some kind of vicious pleasure in seeing someone else sh-t on me. Something like that leads me to think that they already had a negative impression of me to begin with which is why their minds gladly misunderstood me and jumped to the worst possible conclusion. They also all seemed to either ignore my explanations or seemed intent on misunderstanding me, no matter what. To be clear, I don’t blame them entirely for it because I could have expressed my point better but for them to immediately think their misunderstanding is the right one - instead of asking me to explain myself perhaps - is also wrong. Mind you, I don’t expect those people to see or care about this post. The main reason I’m trying to clarify myself is for myself. I said I’ll try to be more concise in expressing my views (regardless of whether it’s a subjective one or not) from now on and I thought I should let this be the start of that. There was one reply in particular that ... affected me a lot harder than I thought anything could. I think it’s cuz my depression already makes me feel like I’m a waste of space 24/7. One thing I take comfort in, though, is the fact that, at the very least, the only one who’s hurting because of it is me, no one else. At least I don’t hurt others. But I got told otherwise. I got called an unhinged monster. The unhinged part is true but also being a monster... it made me feel like I’m less than a waste of space. Like, let’s say if normal people always feel like a 1, I always feel like a 0. Getting insulted like that made me feel like a -1. Instead of feeling like a read newspaper, that’s just waiting to get thrown in the trash, that insult made me feel like I’m the asbestos in the house, something that is actively harmful and you need to get rid of. Does that make sense? Anyway... I engaged in “discussions” despite my better judgement and now, I have to pay the price for it so I also decided that I won’t do that again. Hopefully, there won’t even be any more misunderstandings but if there are and someone hijacks my posts and insults and/or willfully misunderstands me, I will just block them. For my own sanity. And for the record, if there’s something in this or any of my subjective/emotional posts that can be misunderstood, that I didn’t make clear enough; please feel free to ask me about it. Please don’t immediately think the worst of me. And when it comes to my more objective/rational opinions, I am always open for discussions as long as we can remain respectful throughout.

I would also like to express my gratitude to anyone who reached out. I’m not sure if the damage can be undone to be honest (it doesn’t feel like it right now) but anyone who offered words of advice, understanding, support or kindness helped soften it. I cannot express how grateful and appreciative I am for it all, any replies or private messages. You helped make me feel less shitty and I thank you so so much. I’m definitely gonna save all the mental health advice cuz I really did not know how to deal with that overwhelming desire to... stop existing in that moment and I want to keep it in mind if (or when) I get affected this badly by something again. I intend to also reply to the messages privately ofc but for now, please accept all of my love and gratitude~

I’m gonna put the rest - which is more personal - under a cut and also tw cuz I’ll elaborate on my mental health/depression. This isn’t exactly something I want to share tbh but I think I shouldn’t shy away from it either. And I feel like I need to explain myself, just for anyone who cares to know.

—

If you compare life to walking on a path, then I at some point - I don’t even remember when - stopped walking and starting digging a hole for myself. It musta been years ago. Right now, that hole is so deep that I have no idea how to get out of it on my own, much less how to move forward. I think I always knew that there must be something wrong with me mentally. This isn’t something that is being talked about in my family, though, so I never extensively thought about it. Not until earlier this year, when my sister told me that she thinks I’m sick and I should see a therapist. My immediate reaction was to reject the idea but I really couldn’t do that for long. As of right now, I have been tentatively diagnosed (not sure if that’s what you call it in English) with depression but I haven’t actually found a permanent therapist and therefore also not started therapy yet. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me and this not-knowing makes it somehow worse. I haven’t been properly functioning for the past two days - ever since I got called unhinged monster - cuz those words are burned into my brain by now and keep repeating themselves. It feels like my mind was given another weapon to slowly k-ll me with. It keeps reminding me that that’s what I am and then I start trembling and my breathing gets weird and it’s harder than usual for me to distract myself. And this is all so overwhelming for me, I have truly no idea how to deal with any of it. I don’t even know if I named it right, if it really is called a “depressive episode”. I’m hoping I’ll get to find out what exactly is wrong with me and how I can cope with it once I find a therapist. My lack of knowledge regarding what I myself am going through makes it all very confusing and difficult. Another reason why I kind of organized my thoughts and wrote them all down here is cuz I hope it will help me somehow, make my mind stop letting those really bad thoughts in. But in that moment when I felt especially f-cked up, any words of advice or kindness helped. I hope everyone who reached out knows that. Just... thank you. So damn much.

#long post #personal #about me #depression tw #text

88 notes · View notes

izzy-b-hands · 4 years

Text

Hard Waves At Dawn

A random snapshot with the reader from You Send Me and Freddie. Blame me listening to the album Goths by The Mountain Goats for the first time tonight for this one. I try and save certain albums until the right moment, and it seems this was the right one for it. Listen to it, in order, to get the vibe of this fic. Title comes from the song on there titled ‘Wear Black.’

Ngl, very deep in my own mind and thoughts of the future as I wrote this. It probably shows, but that’s par the course for my writing now I fear lol.

My love to all who read/like/reblog!

“I won’t make you come home.”

The rain poured, and you jumped at the loudness of the thunder. “You shouldn’t have to.”

Freddie shrugged, and scooted closer to you on the stone bench. The park was empty except for the two of you; everyone else had run home as soon as the rain had started to come down fast enough to hurt.

“That’s it?”

He nodded. “I know that, and you know it. What more is there to say about it?”

“Maybe not more to say about that,” you replied. “But what about everything else?”

You let his arm slip around you and pull you close. “I think you need to talk about that. Or you wouldn’t have gone running out here before I was even awake.”

You had left the flat you shared with Freddie at five in the morning, in a daze. You weren’t sure exactly what had set it off this time, and it was an impulse you usually ignored or were able to repress. The one that made you panic for the future, left you pacing the flat over things that were arguably not worth worrying about as much as you did, made you feel like taking night walks that never ended, not caring where you might end up or if you’d make your way back home again.

You were in clothes that normally never left the house, clothes that were Lounge About the House and Do Nothing category. You didn’t look wildly out of place to anyone else, but you knew it was a sign to Freddie.

He didn’t indulge these moments, exactly. He accepted them, and rode them out with you, and occasionally gave advice or distractions if you requested or seemed to need it. But most of the time, it was this. Finally prompting that vat of nonsense and fear and pain and sadness that had settled into some sort of aching black hole in your chest before you could recall knowing what depression even was, to spill.

“It’s stupid,” you muttered, and he chuckled.

“Good start.”

“It is though,” you protested. “This is what I’ve wanted. Stability. I’ve worked towards it since I was like...fourteen. And never had it, never had it, couldn’t reach it, wasn’t qualified for it, couldn’t afford it, all that. And now here it is, and it’s fine, and my dumb fucking head is still like this.”

He didn’t speak, but took your hand in his, rubbing gently at it with his thumb.

“What am I waiting for? Why do I feel like the other shoe is going to drop? The shoes are on and tied and I’m waiting to trip. And for what? Why? Why can’t I just be happy all the time? It isn’t always like this, it recedes like the tide but when it comes back I-”

The rain washes the tears off your face as fast as they can fall.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Freddie asked. “I think a lot of us are doing that, in one way or another.”

“But it’s like I’m doubting this good thing I have, from you to my job to everything-”

“Not on purpose,” he interrupted. “The mind clicks along, and doubt is a track it falls on from time to time. I know you don’t seriously doubt us, or your job with the band. Do you know how I know that?”

You shook your head.

“Because you don’t leap for things that feel like too big of a risk unless you see enough security available in the thing you’re leaping towards. You would never have so much as kept looking my way, or stayed on with us, if you didn’t feel secure despite any little doubts or fears that any rational person might have from time to time.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but he shushed you softly.

“Y/N. You turned down an ice cream yesterday because you were afraid it might have something you were allergic to in it. We had a full list of ingredients, but because the shop couldn’t verify how current it was, you left without anything. If you can turn away from something that simple, don’t you think you would have been long gone by now, if you had true doubts about anything else in your life right now?”

“...you make a good point,” you acknowledged.

“Every now and again,” he smiled, the small shy smile that came around only when he was being vulnerable. He looked even more gorgeous than usual when he wore it. “And you know what?”

“You have doubts too?”

“All the fucking time,” he sighed. “The work on the next album alone! You’ve heard me, hell you’ve worked me through some of those fits-”

“Not fits, exactly,” you interrupted.

“Tantrums?” he asked with a grin.

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” you said with a smile. “Or I’ll have to kiss you and replace them with something else.”

He kissed you anyway, and the scent of his usual cologne mixed with the rain smelled like the home you had always wanted, dreamed of, yearned for, worked so damn hard to get that you couldn’t believe you’d let your mind trap you into any worries about it.

You leaned into his embrace, wincing only a little as the rain somehow fell harder. “I’m sorry I left without leaving a note or anything. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Out of everyone,” Freddie said. “You are one of the few people I don’t worry about leaving me out of the blue. And I could tell last night you were feeling a bit...how to put it? Twitchy isn’t the right word-”

“Like there was an itch in my brain I couldn’t scratch,” you filled in.

“Exactly,” Freddie said, pushing his wet hair away from where it just barely touched his forehead. “Were we due for a storm?”

“Maybe,” you replied. “I certainly was, apparently.”

“It had been a couple of months,” Freddie nodded.

“God, you’ve got my depression cycle mapped. We’re domestic,” you laughed. “I love it, though I don’t love that I have something like that you have to keep track of.”

“Don’t have to keep track of it,” he said. “I do it because I want to make sure you’ve got support whenever it hits. How long did you deal with it alone, or with minimal support? You’ve got me, and the boys, and so many others now. It would be more than a shame, it would be a crime, to care about you and not be mindful of this.”

He held a hand up before you could speak. “And before you go on with that ��but I can’t expect others to take care of me all the time’ talk, I know. That’s not our goal, and I think you know that. But I also think you’re afraid of it sometimes, because you’ve not had anything like it before. Support, not to hold you up 24/7, but to help carry you when you need it, and you do the same in return. Equal give and take.”

You nodded. “You are an exceptionally wise man, you know that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know about that. I try, same as anyone else.”

“You underestimate yourself with things like this,” you said. “You don’t do it with anything else. The rest of the persona the confidence flows, but you sell yourself short here. You shouldn’t.”

“You do the same thing,” he said with a smirk. “Can’t argue that anymore than I can, can you?”

“No wonder we get on so well,” you said. “Perfectly capable until we’re vulnerable in the rain, and then it all melts away.”

He nods. “It’s nice though, isn’t it? To have someone to let the mask down around so severely. No need to hang onto it, in case someone walks in the room that would make you bring it back up.”

“It really is,” you sighed. “I think it’s hailing a bit.”

He brushed a hand through his dampened curls, and melting pea-sized pebbles of ice shook out. “It is definitely hailing.”

“We should almost definitely go home,” you murmured. “I haven’t seen any lightening, but probably not safe all the same.”

“You can’t tell me that you’ve never wanted to be out in a storm like this, in one of these moments of yours,” Freddie said. “Why not give it five more minutes?”

“And if lightening shows up, and hits us?”

“Then I hope they leave the burned outline of our corpses here on this bench as a memorial,” Freddie said with a cheeky grin.

“Me too,” you said. “I wouldn’t mind a death and a memorial like that.”

“Better than some, and certainly as good as some others,” Freddie nodded. “You know you’re going to be fighting a cold off after this, right?”

“Yeah,” you said softly. “You’ve already bought me cans of my favorite soup, haven’t you?”

“Two days ago, had Brian pick them up and bring them by,” Freddie replied. “He asked how I could possibly know.”

“And you told him not to worry about it, and that he’d get it some day?”

“Bless, you’ve got my most cryptic answers down to a T,” he said. “That was exactly it. Bet you can’t guess the rest of my master plan though.”

“To make me soup for the next three days, and keep me sat resting on the couch, except for when we’re napping together in the bed?”

“Almost all of it,” he said. “You missed the bit where I make sure we get a walk outside in. The sun will help, and I know you won’t go out without me.”

“Thank you,” you said, jumping at an even louder clap of thunder. “There has got to be lightening nearby.”

“Maybe,” he agreed. “And for what? The soup? That was nothing, really.”

“All of this,” you said, pressing your face into the wet material of his jacket near his neck. “Taking care of me. Being with me. Loving me despite this stupid shit my brain does, that I can’t always rein in as well as I’d like.”

“It’s good work,” he said. “Work I like. Because you do the same work for me. It’s steady, and it all evens out, even when everything else is...decidedly less so.”

“The ebb and flow of the tide, and the two of us as the typhoon,” you murmured.

“You should do something with that,” he said. “I like it.”

“You know I don’t write like that anymore.”

“But you could. Write it down when we get home, just in case. You never know what you’ll find to do on the side in between tours, after all,” he said, and stood slowly, only to duck down as larger hail started to drop hard and fast, as if someone in the sky had overturned a huge bucket of it. “Shall we go now, before you forget it?”

“I think better we leave so we don’t end up with bruises,” you laughed, taking his hand as you stood. “I’m ready to go home.”

#text post #LeeH writes #queen band fic #freddie mercury x reader #freddie mercury x male reader

13 notes · View notes

muddyhippy · 4 years

Text

Night Terrors, Chapter 5: Check-ins and Check-ups

A Lily Of-Many-Names Mechanisms Story

Okay, this is my last attempt to get this posted and picked up by the mechanisms tag before I just accept defeat and scream into the void! Apologies for the multiple times I have posted this now, I’m just trying to make Tumblr do it’s job for once! This will probably get self-reblogged once as a last ditch attempt because that sometimes works to make a post of mine appear on my own dashboard!

Summary

Lily has another nightmare filled with darkness and bad ones later than her usual night terrors torment her and when her usual source of comfort is nowhere to be found she decides to try her luck with the one person she’s pretty sure will still be up…

Featuring; Some science officer observations, discussions of nightmares, lots of comfort, medical practice, some past Jonny whump, and some soft mechs at the end!

CW-Medical examination, blood test (very minor), needles (very brief), discussion of nightmares (ALL of these are tagged on AO3 too)

(This is also posted on AO3 but I am not including links on this post to see if tumblr will actually allow it to appear outside of my own damn blog! If you want the link there’s lots of versions on muddyhippy!)

Check-ins and Check-ups

There was a tentative knocking at the lab door.

Raphaella frowned, she checked the ship’s time, 4:54 am. That was unusual. The only one who bothered to knock like that was Lily and Lily would be in bed by now and—

Ah.

Raphaella moved in a fluid motion, rising from her workbench and opened the door to be greeted by a slightly soggy Lily, the tear tracks and snotty nose was evidence of what had happened, clutching a fuzzy lump of something.

“Jonny not in his room?”

Lily shook her head, “M’sorry.”

Raph sighed. It wasn’t a great inconvenience, she was hardly interrupting a breakthrough, she’d just lost track of time documenting one of her less hazardous bio-concoctions. Without a word she scooped Lily and her fuzzy thing up and carried her back to the bench. Lily immediately cuddled in close to her, Gemini tucked against her chest, breathing in the science officer’s familiar scent of chemicals, leather and a hint of flowers from her long golden hair. Lily loved Raphaella’s hair, it was so beautiful and silky. She loved being allowed to play with it, threading her little fingers through the fine strands and trying to plait them carefully.

“You want to tell me what it was about?” prompted Raph.

“It was silly.” Lily thought the science officer was so clever and busy with all he experiments she felt shy and small and silly admitting what was wrong, she was a big girl and she should be able to handle one little nightmare. Even if it had really scared her. Lily hadn’t wanted to bother her, Raphaella was always kind when she did her checks on her but that was always at the same time, they were planned. So were all her fun science lessons. This was definitely interrupting and interrupting was rude.

Raphaella sighed, disappointed at Lily’s conclusion, “If it upset you then by definition it is not silly. Just because dreams are caused by synapse transfer and your brain’s interpretation of events does not mean that the outcome can be deemed ridiculous if it has an impact on you.”

“Oh.” Lily wasn’t entirely sure what that meant but it sounded like she didn’t think Lily was silly after all.

“Quite.”

“I dreamt the Aurora was all dark and cold and I could hear banging like a big, angry someone was trying to get in.” Lily explained quietly.

“I see.” Raphaella frowned.

Lily quailed a little, misinterpreting her expression and began to hide her face, “I said it was silly.”

The science officer sighed, realising what Lily thought she’d meant, “And what did I say?”

“Sorry.” The child cast her eyes down as she mumbled.

Very gently Raphaella caught Lily’s chin and pulled her face up to meet her, “No, don’t be sorry. This is a perfectly rational thing to dream Lily. You’ve been very brave and you continue to be brave. My research indicates that nightmares are a way of processing something very frightening and unpleasant that as happened to you. What happened to you was not silly so your way of processing it is also not silly.”

It had actually be a good excuse to research nightmares in general since she knew full well the whole crew got them, regardless of age. Her own ones were manageable if unpleasant, determined to remind her of things she’d much rather forget.

Lily’s lower lip wobbled dangerously.

Raphaella sighed and for once decided to take a leaf out of Jonny’s book.

Logical rational explanations could wait until she was little older. And she knew Lily responded extremely well physical comfort, she’d seen evidence of that be beyond that farthest doubt.

“Come here little proton, it’s alright.” Raphaella wrapped both her arms and wings about the upset child and began rocking her like she’d seen Jonny do. It seemed to work after all and if observed action had been proved to yield positive results then who was she to argue with empirical evidence?

“It’s alright. You’re safe. Aurora is never truly dark, Nastya, Jonny, Tim and Brian don’t really like the dark either so she makes sure it’s always bright enough. And no one can get into Aurora without our say so. Aurora wouldn’t let them in anyway.”

“An’ you’d shoot them if they did.” Came a convinced voice.

“We certainly would. Or do something more interesting but we’d make sure they never got to you.”

“Promise?”

Raphaella was not in the habit of keeping promises, they were ephemeral and inconsequential unless you could use them to get what you wanted but this one felt important.

“On my honour as a scientist.”

Lily’s eyes widened at the words, that was very important. Raphaella was the best scientist there was and science was very, very precious to her. So she very much meant it.

“Thank you.” Lily snuggled closer

Raphaella sighed once more, not really put out, she began to card her fingers gently through Lily’s silvery hair. It had been more pleasant than she’d been expecting to show Lily an exact comparison for her hair colour in the natural world, sunshine reflected off the surface of the lake. She rather thought the explanation of how light travelled and refracted might have gone a bit over her head but Lily had been an enthusiastic listener all the same which was better than her crewmates most of the time. She had been thrilled at being compared to sunshine too.

Lily tentatively inched her fingers towards Raphaella’s cascading tresses, seeking the comfort they represented, Raphaella was kind and she was safe, she looked after her using her science. Lily loved sitting on the science officers’ lap, it made her feel important and special when Raphaella spoke science to her, (like when the others told her about things they loved too) even if she didn’t always understand it, she especially loved it when she let her play with her hair. Lily wanted to grow hers just as long.

The science officer gave Lily her warmest smile, the one she had cultivated especially for the child. “Go on little proton, I don’t mind.”

Lily gave her a smile filled with wonder that quickly turned into one of happy, soothed exhaustion. Two hands, one large, one small, each carefully combing fingers through soft hair, both knowing a singular form of peace.

It took precisely two minutes and thirty seven seconds for Lily to fall asleep under the science officer’s ministrations. Lily had never fallen asleep on Raphaella before, she wasn’t normally the lulling type, leaving it to the others when the occasion arose but this was immensely satisfying, she could now see why Jonny never really complained about holding her till she slept.

She was glad this interaction was being recorded too, it would be useful to refer back to when comparing different calming methods they all used to see which was the most effective. She had a suspicion that despite all their research, Jonny’s instinctive cuddle and rocking combination from the first night was probably the more sure-fire way to settle Lily. Not that she’s tell him of course. He didn’t need to know just what a comparably good job he was doing. The thing Lily had been clutching was likely to be a Jonny concoction too, the man was deceptively good at needlecraft, he’d mended enough of the crew’s clothes over the years when sufficiently bribed with whiskey, he’d even fixed the Toy Solider’s uniform when it got torn badly enough, complaining that he’d done so only because he couldn’t stand it moping around lamenting the damage.

He’d even carefully embroidered eyes on the thing Lily held which seemed to be some sort of geological shape. She could admit whilst in her own company only that the craftsmanship on it was rather remarkable. He’d obviously gone to some effort to make her something with crystalline accuracy in some sort of fuzzy fabric and given how tightly Lily had been holding it but she’d never seen it in the mess at meal times nor had it accompanied the child to her check-up sessions, it was her comfort-at-night object. That, that was surprisingly thoughtful of him. She smiled quietly to herself.

He definitely didn’t need to know what a good job he was doing.

Maybe a hint.

He also didn’t need to know the general positives these interactions were having on the pair of them and by extension, the rest of the crew. They would all work it out eventually and if she said anything too soon the idea would be dismissed out of hand, no, it was much better to be able to make unobtrusive observations and predictions unhindered.

Lily was beginning to grow at a healthy rate, she wasn’t back up to where she should be yet but after three months she was now making steady progress. At her last weekly check-up Lily was now projected to be back on track to reach where she should be for a healthy eight year old in the next three months. They’d successfully reversed the physical damage done to her by the three weeks of acute malnutrition but the longer effects of a lifetime of not having quite enough would take longer to mend.

Still, it felt, well, nice to see her improving.

The first time she’d insisted on a proper check had been only few days after Lily had joined them. She’d asked Jonny to bring her to lab so she could get a real idea of what they were working with for Lily, exact height and weight, not to mention resting heart rate, lung capacity, bone density and a blood test to make sure everything was functioning as it should be. Lily was human so there were some basics that could be taken for granted but Raphaella wanted a solid starting point for knowing how best to reverse the damage of long term malnutrition.

She’d argued with Jonny about it for 47 minutes before he finally saw sense and agreed to bring her along. His hang ups over poor medical practice were one thing and even understandable but not to the point that it impeded Lily’s recovery.

He’d grudgingly agreed, especially when the others added their voices in assent and Raphaella assured him that she’d keep to the bare minimum of procedures to assess Lily.

Marius had argued that it was so they could help her not hurt her. Given how delicate the matter was nobody teased Marius that surely it should be him leading the investigation if he was, in fact, a doctor. As it was, they all recognised that Raphaella’s dedication to the scientific approach would probably yield better results long term. Marius and Brian advised on what she should be looking for specifically all the same.

It was Nastya who’d finally swung him into accepting the proposal. She pointed out that if they didn’t check her properly when they could have and it turned out that they’d ensured the damage done by her ship management was permanent then that made them no better than the idiots that had led her mission. A grim accolade no one wanted to earn, the more Lily talked about life on her ship the more everyone was convinced it was mission led by utter idiots doomed to failure.

She added quietly that they weren’t like their creator, that Carmilla would only be interested in tests to see how she could exploit Lily. They needed to conduct tests to work out exactly how to help Lily properly and make sure she stayed healthy and happy.

Jonny couldn’t argue with that. Well, he could. But he wouldn’t, Lily being safe and well and as healthy as she could be was too important. Kid was a bag of bones, a mortal bag of bones at that and he should know, she still spent half her time attached to him and he was honestly worried by how light she was. He had very vague memories of being young except for a few key things but if he really thought about it he was sure at eight he’d been taller and broader. That wasn’t a bullshit boy vs girl nonsense thing either, he was sure he’d been taller and heavier at her age and that was with his family set up. Something was wrong. Raphaella was right, they did need to check.

He didn’t have to like it though.

Raphaella wasn’t sure which of the two were the more nervous coming in to the Lab.

She made it more into a game in an attempt to settle them both, it wouldn’t do for their nerves to set up a negative feedback loop. She got them both to play catch with one of her more robust recorders so she could check hand to eye coordination and reflexes. She challenged Lily to scrunch up as small as she could then stand on her tip toes and then stand as straight and flat-footed as she could on her weighing scales.

Raphaella had Jonny pick her up and hold her as though they were posing for photo whilst she deployed the scanner for Lily’s bone density, explaining that she wanted close ups of her smiling face. It covered her dental development too.

Checking her ears and throat had been relatively easy, getting silly to pull as ridiculous faces as she could whilst trying to sing ‘Old King Cole’ worked on her throat and the otoscope was hardly invasive.

Jonny had managed to keep things light enough asking if Raphaella had found some of Ashes’ missing gold down there. Lily had been indignant and Raphaella had played along, pleased he was trying to make things easier.

The blood test was unsurprisingly a little harder of a sell.

Lily went rigid with fear when she saw the needle.

Hmm. Understandable but not helpful, it was one of her smallest ones as well.

Jonny cleared his throat, his own spine stiffening and also not taking his eyes off the syringe. “Why don’t we have a go with the stethoscope first?”

That was a surprising suggestion coming from him. Raphaella had been planning to brace herself and try to use that as a wind down but maybe there needed to be buffer. She decided to put it to Lily to decide.

“Lily, I’m not going to hurt you. I need to take a little bit of your blood to check everything is working as it should be inside you. Your blood can tell me all sorts of important things that you yourself won’t be able to tell me.”

Lily still looked scared. Raphaella found it wasn’t an expression she liked to see on so young a face. Raphaella had no problem being seen as intimidating or even down right terrifying by those who crossed her path or got in her way. That was half the fun, but on Lily? No, she didn’t like being the cause of that fear one bit. The test was still needed though.

“But you’ve got a choice,” she continued in the tone she’d already modulated especially for the child, no-nonsense but gentle, firm but soft enough to put her at ease most of the time. “I can take this sample now then use the stethoscope to listen to your heart and lungs or I can listen first and then take the blood sample but either way I need to take it.”

The child had tried to melt into Jonny, clinging to him, fingers burying in fabric and belts.

Raphaella tried not to notice that the comforting hand that was running up and down her back was trembling.

Lily turned to face Jonny. “What do you think?”

Jonny tore his gaze from the poised syringe and did his best to look relaxed and nonchalant despite the fact his heartrate had audibly trebled, “I think it’s always better to get the thing that scares you done first. Raph’s right though, she’s only doing it because she wants to make sure you’re okay inside and out. It won’t hurt, it’s more like getting a sharp pinch on your skin for a second and then it’s done.”

He didn’t mention that it was fine when blood was being taken from you rather than a bunch of different poisons being injected into you over and over again to see how quickly each one affected you and how quickly you came back. How each one burned and cramped and ripped through every single system until he was desperate for death. He was the first after all. Carmilla had to make sure her new creation was full-proof and indestructible. That he could come back from anything.

“How do you know?”

Jonny smiled ruefully, “I’ve had a lot of injections over the years, given lots of samples too. It doesn’t hurt.” ‘It’s what comes after’ remained unsaid.

“Oh.” Lily clearly thought about it, weighing up the pros and cons. She eyed the stethoscope on the science officer’s workbench. She knew how that worked at least. There was something right next to her that might make her feel braver. “If Raphaella takes a sample can, can I listen to your heart while she does it?”

Jonny was halfway to opening his mouth to say ‘no’ on sheer reflex when Lily added in a small voice, “I don’t want to watch. I don’t like blood. It goes bad and gloopy and changes colour too quickly. And it smells horrible.”

Well fuck. He could hardly say no to that.

“You won’t be able to smell it Lily, it’ll be in the syringe.” Raphaella tried to distract, she was well aware of Jonny’s dislike of anything to do with exam practice. She was actually impressed he’d not just dumped Lily on her and run, that he’d taken part so far. He had more courage than she gave him credit for, that or a greater sense of guardianship than she’d expected. Either way, he was making her job much easier and she appreciated it.

Raphaella had tried to get a better understanding of his Mechanism not long after she’d joined the crew, intrigued by the ticking of his chest. She’d come at him with a stethoscope and woken up in the wreckage of her workbench recovering from 6 gunshot wounds.

She hadn’t pursued that line of research further.

“Still don’t like it.” Lily half spoke into Jonny’s chest and half to the science officer.

“That’s fair enough.” Conceded Raphaella

Lily’s eyes were doing the thing again. The thing where they took up half her face, she gazed imploringly up at him. “Please?”

Fuck. He really had to immunise himself against that. Later. Now though?

He swallowed. “Sure.”

Raphaella raised an eyebrow, fully prepared to snatch Lily out of his arms and rocket skywards if he looked like he was going to detonate like he did last time.

Jonny gave her tiniest nod.

This was Lily. He shook himself internally. It was Lily. Lily couldn’t hurt him if she tried. Okay, well she could but she wasn’t armed right now and she liked his ticking. He forced himself to watch her, to brace for the touch of the disc. He’d be ready, he’d know. If he closed his eyes there was no guarantee he’d be able to hold it together for her. This was Lily reaching to him for comfort, he reminded himself firmly. She needed him to distract her from something frightening but necessary. Lily wasn’t going to sigh and tut and then open him up.

He wasn’t strapped to a table.

He forced himself to breathe as calmly as he could, the way Ivy had shown him from one of her books when he’d taken refuge once in the earliest incarnation of the library.

He was fine, he was holding Lily. He was free to move. He was holding Lily and being reassuring because needles were frightening. He was proving it was fine. It was fine.

The disc made contact.

It took everything in him not to bolt.

“Jonny, your ticking is very fast.” A little voice piped up matter-of-factly.

Before he got a chance to answer Lily had already drawn her own conclusions.

“I know I’m not a proper doctor like Raphaella but I won’t hurt you. See?” She took the disc off then pressed it even more gently against him, then rested her head on him too, trying to be reassuring.

Fucking Hell. That she thought she could hurt him? Like this? At all? But the pressure helped. Carmilla had never been gentle with his chest. She’d never been gentle full stop.

Lily was.

This was Lily and it was fine. He held her a little tighter. “I like this,” she spoke quietly, as if she was speaking directly to his heart but then again, when wasn’t she? “I can hear your ticking all around. It’s going slower now.”

It took two tries to speak.

“T-That’s because you’re doing a good job.” Raphaella was watching him like a hawk, despite the fact he’d drained of colour and there was a noticeable (to her experienced eye at least) tremor running through him he was still sat still and solid for Lily, making no sign that he was about to flip her workbench.

“I am?”

“Of course.” He managed the ghost of his usual grin, “I don’t let just anyone listen to me.” If only she knew how true that was.

Lily beamed at him, utterly delighted. Just as Raphaella took her moment.

Jonny was aware enough of the situation to catch Lily’s face as she turned to see the source of the sudden pinch, directing her back to look at him, the surprised ‘Eeep!’ already escaping her lips. “Keep looking this way Lemondrop, it’s alright. Keep listening to the ticking.”

Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

“It’s alright,” he ran his fingers through her hair, hating that she was upset, hating that they were doing this. He’d always sworn he’d have nothing to do with anything like this but here he was. A necessary evil. “It’s alright, she’ll be done soon. You’re being very brave.” He didn’t dare rock her and risk jostling the needle so he hummed instead.

She clung to him with her other hand, with a muffled whimper but did as he asked. It didn’t hurt, not really but the idea of something being stuck in her was an idea she didn’t like. Still, Jonny had her and she could hear his ticking loud and clear and he said she was being brave so that was good. She could hear him humming Rose Red as well and she couldn’t help but relax, Jonny had her, she could hear his ticks and the humming and she could smell his spicesmokewhiskey.

It was okay.

She was safe.

They were looking after her because she was part of the crew, they cared about her. It was alright.

All at once there was the feel of something going away and something pressing on her arm.

“There we go, all done, good girl, you’ve been very brave.” Raphaella finished taping the small cotton gauze to her arm covering the tiny pinprick of blood.

Lily took a moment to take in the sight of her arm and then the science officer, Raphaella had been right, it hadn’t hurt. It had been scary because she wasn’t sure what it would be like and she was scared it would hurt because they were bigger and stronger and braver than her and that they said it wouldn’t hurt because it wouldn’t hurt them when they had to have needles in them but actually, it had been a bit of a shock but it hadn’t hurt at all and Jonny had made her feel safe all the way through and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her or let anything else hurt her anyway.

She gave a sunny smile to Raphaella.

“It didn’t hurt!”

Despite herself, Raphaella was rather pleased, she allowed a knowing grin to bloom across her face, rather than the haughty scoff that she saved for the others, “I did say.”

“You did!” Lily beamed wider.

“Well I’m glad I was proved correct. Are you ready for me to take a turn listening to you?”

“Yes.”

“Good, I just need a listen to your chest and then we’re all done. Can I have the stethoscope back?”

Lily carefully removed the buds from her ears and hand the piece of equipment back, she missed hearing Jonny’s ticking quite so loudly. She leaned against him instead.

Raphaella decided not to comment on the sudden drop in tension from Jonny the second the disc was taken away from his chest.

With gentle efficiency she had the device in her own ears.

“Can you sit up straight for a moment please?” Lily did so, “then take some nice deep breaths for me.”

Lily did the best she could.

After a few minutes Raphaella sat back, satisfied.

Her initial suspicions were well founded, Lily was almost chronically underweight and under-height but that could be fixed with care. Her lungs and heart seemed strong through and her reflexes as well as hand to eye coordination were sharp and focused, ears and throat were clear of infection too and that was the most common source of ailments for human children according to her research. Lily was a fighter and, pending the results of the blood tests had no reason not to make a full recovery. That was pleasing and definitely worth the few uncomfortable moments.

She gave Jonny a short nod over Lily’s head.

The relief in his face was something Raphaella was going to remember for long time to come. She might find him deeply irritating most of the time but he’d certainly proved himself when it counted. He was many things but could not be accused of being a selfish bastard. At least, not right now.

“Alright then, all done here. I think you’ve earned something nice.”

“Really?” Lily perked up even more.

“Oh yes.”

“What?”

“I happen to know Brian’s been busy in the kitchen with Marius.” She happened to know exactly because they’d planned it earlier, it was only fair for Lily to get some sort of recompense for having to go through something unpleasant. It was something they all wished they had had when they were young (not to mention everything that had happened since they were young).

The excited squeal that erupted was something that warmed both of the adults in the room and would certainly not get passed on to the chocolate cake bakers. It wouldn’t do to give them ideas after all.

Not for the first time they found themselves hand in hand with Lily, swinging the excited child all the way to the mess.

Raphaella came back to the present and smiled as she held the currently comforted and sleeping Lily, the child had got far more used to the weekly check-ups following the first one, it helped that her blood came back fine and healthy, no underlying issues to be concerned about so no more blood tests were needed.

She still liked to listen to Jonny’s heart with the stethoscope during the check-ups.

Jonny still endured it for her sake.

Raphaella thought that over the weeks he’d looked a little more relaxed each time.

The check-ups proved what they were seeing in real time. Lily was mending. She was putting on healthy weight and starting to grow, her skin was starting to have a glow to it again. It felt nice to have used her research and scientific approach for unquestionable good for once. She’d shared her findings with them all. The rest were pleased too. They’d made a comprehensive list of supplies with Ivy and Raph’s information that Ashes organised and sourced. Marius and Brian eagerly added more recipes to the collection and the others made a point of each eating vaguely healthy snacks every so often so as to not make Lily feel like she was the odd one out. Regular mealtimes helped too.

It was satisfying to see that improvement over time, Lily was proving to be a fascinating research study that Raphaella was very much invested in. It was also immensely satisfying that the rest of the crew was just as invested her topic of study for once. Seeing Lily grow and heal and improve was something that was having a positive effect on the rest of the crew, she’d noticed (and made notes of course) that the crew interacted more frequently and more positively usually when Lily was present but sometimes even without her there. These developments were, pleasing, to put it into layman terms. Though Raphaella wasn’t entirely sure why. It would take further investigation of course but she did have eyes, the positive interactions were slowly improving the general well-being in the crew, communal mealtimes and friendlier banter seemed to be improving moods across the board.

Most notably of course was Jonny.

His general comportment had softened a little, his violent outbursts reduced and he definitely looked like he was sleeping more regularly. Raphaella estimated his alcohol consumption had dropped by a least a bottle a night which was rather impressive, it wasn’t like the alcohol did anything long term since all their mechanisms prevented permanent internal damage, especially when one was killed far too frequently to even consider organ failure due to extensive alcohol poisoning. But still, it was nice to see him looking more, centred, for lack of a better word.

Heavy boots made their appearance on the peripheries of her hearing.

Think of the devil…

Raphaella took a moment to soak up the situation, Lily had fallen asleep against her peacefully and easily as if she were her mother. It was a completely new experience but not an unpleasant one it turned out. Raphaella had enjoyed introducing the scientific process to Lily over the past three months, teaching her the basic principles of chemistry and physics and now botany since she’d set up the hydroponics lab with Nastya and Ivy. That had been a fun collaboration and all three enjoyed Lily’s delight at each seed sprouted and new leaf grown.

She’d added a whole new strand of research to her study too, the poisons and toxins of plants were fascinating and she was eager to put those to good use when the next opportunity arrived. There was always opportunity for hybridisation too. Excellent.

The heavy boots stopped right outside the lab door followed by an uncharacteristically gentle knock.

“Come in Jonny.”

The first mate entered looking annoyed at the presumption that quickly melted into relief when he saw a sleeping Lily in her arms.

The science officer gave him an appraising look. Despite the obvious panic at not knowing where Lily was Jonny still looked calmer and better rested than he had for centuries. Raphaella found she liked that look on him, he seemed far more settled, music rehearsals with everyone had become a lot more productive too, always a bonus.

She still found it funny he refused to use his ship communicator to ask the group chat where Lily was on an evening she had a late nightmare-startled wander, clearly too proud to admit he’d lost her. It wasn’t as if she could get into any real danger any more. Both the Octokittens and Stowaways knew not to touch her and Aurora wouldn’t let her get lost anywhere too dangerous. Then again, the day he did they knew it would be a serious one.

As it was the first mate was only looking marginally stressed and panicked, a whole lot better than she’d seen him look.

Jonny took in the sight of Raphaella as he entered the lab. From the lights behind her and a sleeping Lily in her arms the science officer resembled an angel that he’d seen statues of on multiple worlds, beautiful and terrible, just as he remembered the preacher talking about on Sundays when he was small. He’d seen what Raph could do to somewhere or someone that irked her and he’d come to believe all those stories.

Still, the look she was giving Lily as he walked in was something else, it was a face he knew she saved just for Lily, that slight softness, a pride in her eyes and smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

Jonny knew Raphaella was incredibly pleased by the progress Lily had made both physically and with all the science lessons she’d been teaching, Lily had talked his ear off about all the things she’d made by experimenting. The physical checks were good too, in their way. Much as he hated them. If he really had to admit it, the checks were worth it, it was good to know Lily was on the right track at least, that they weren’t making a mess of her, at least not physically.

“Thought she might be here.” Came his way of explanation,

“Well congratulations.”

“She been here long?”

“Only half an hour or so.”

“Good.” He stayed curt, not wanting to give her room to rinse him more than he was expecting, Raphaella had a way with words that could cut like one of her scalpels if he wasn’t careful, most of the time it didn’t bother him but if it was about Lily and how he handled her, it tended to cut to the core of him, much to his annoyance.

“How did you lose her this time?”

“I didn’t lose her!” he snapped, “She just got up when I wasn’t around. I do check the times on things you know, she’s usually up at 11, 1 and 3 so much that you can set a metronome by her. It’s not my fault she just got up out of sequence!”

“And you weren’t in your room because?” pressed Raphaella, not giving an inch.

“Because I wasn’t!”

“Jonny,” Began the science officer in a deceptively gentle voice, “I could wake her up and make Lily ask you with her big blue accusing eyes.”

The first mate looked furious he was about to say ‘you wouldn’t dare’ but Raph absolutely would to prove a point and he really didn’t want to risk having to admit the truth to Lily, he found it incredibly hard to lie to her properly after all.

“Fine, Lily mentioned a birthday coming up some months from now and I am making something for that. Away from my room. Lost track of time. That’s it.” He ground out.

“A secret something I take it?” Raphaella teased, amused to have caught him in such an obvious lie, Jonny on the whole was usually quite good at lying. He managed it effortlessly on stage after all. And he was damned good poker player.

“You won’t find it.”

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with the bits of clothing several of us have missed over the last few weeks would it?”

Jonny’s ears began to turn red.

“No.”

‘Aha.’ Thought Raphaella. But she was intrigued enough to let it stand, it was honestly rather refreshing to have Jonny do something vaguely productive outside of his musical and lyrical talents, repair work not-withstanding. There were only so many theoretical studies of chronic alcohol abuse and sleep deprivation she could observe before it got tiresome. This proved to be far more interesting.

“Alright then, well I await to see the results with bated breath.”

“Fuck off Raph.”

“I could just wake her.”

“I could just shoot you.”

“You know you won’t.”

The impotent rage on Jonny’s face was amusing to witness.

“Fine, but I fill find a way to make you suffer.”

“I look forward to it.”

He matched her feral grin, feeling like he’d at least gained somewhat of an upper hand he moved on to the more important issue, Lily hadn’t been out of her bed unexpectedly for the last month, not since she found Brian during the poker game.

“What was it about this time?”

“Doors being rattled and banged on by enemies in the dark.”

“Oh, standard then. Good.”

“Standard? I thought they were all like this one?” This was interesting, there were others? Raphaella got halfway through that thought and froze.

Uh, Jonny realised he’d not actually shared a lot of detail of Lily’s nightmares, he passed on the basics to everyone at Tim’s insistence after she’d climbed in with him, demanding to know at least what they might have to deal with if the crew was now fair game to ask comfort from. The others had backed him up, the bastards, and he’d been forced to share a bit. He didn’t really want to, nightmares were private things after all and it wasn’t fair for him to share stuff that bothered someone else but as it had been pointed out, Lily was a child whom they all cared about, whom they were all guardians for and thus they all needed to know likely sources of upset and triggers to avoid when they spent time together, either during the day or if they happened to be the ones to comfort her at night.

He’d relented, wanting to make sure she always had some solid options for comfort. He knew in excruciating detail how unpleasant it could be to suffer that sort of fear and misery on your own. Until you learned to ignore and bury it that is.

So the others knew the basics at least, it was always the threat of attack, rattling and banging and bellowing in the dark unsurprisingly. He tended to keep the extra details to himself though, he knew how desperately Lily wanted to be seen as a ‘big girl’ by the crew. Even though there was nothing she could say or do that would actually make them think she was somehow less. Kid had endured enough and was still pretty functional, that was one hell of an achievement already. And she was stil mortal.

Sometimes her nightmares was flavoured with gunfire (though not Tim’s apparently, that sounded different according to Lily, Jonny had no idea how the hell gunfire could sound ‘friendly’ but supposedly Tim’s did-children clearly had a higher nuance of sound perception-it made music lessons all the more interesting that was for sure), sometimes it was visions of what was left of her crew, her parents dying and on one particularly horrendous night images of her parents demanding to know why she hadn’t saved them. He had mentioned that one to Marius and then the rest of the crew since it had taken the singing of the entirety of ‘Alice’ to lull her back to sleep bookended with ‘Rose Red.’

The one about her being left behind that she told to Brian was concerning, that one he had talked to the others about straight away, worried that taking her to a planet had, in fact, been a bad move. Given that that was as near as an admission to the idea he’d been wrong about wanting to take her planetside actually had them all discussing it properly with only minimal jeering. It ended up being pointed out that since it was such a new experience, even though it had been very positive, Lily’s subconscious was so traumatised it wasn’t surprising it had sparked off a different set of nightmares.

It had assuaged the guilt a little at least. He was glad she clearly had really enjoyed the visit.

“Jonny?”

He realised he’d been staring into the middle distance and not actually talking. Shit.

He refocused on her. A look crossed Raphaella’s face that he’d seen maybe once or twice before in all the years he’d known her. A hint of worry.

“Does, does she have nightmares about what we, what I,” she corrected, “do here?”

That question knocked him sideways, his initial instinctive bastard response died on his lips. This was Raphaella actually asking him, Jonny, for reassurance, reassurance that what she was doing wasn’t physcologically damaging their charge. He’d never seen the science officer look unsure before. Jonny realised he had a choice, he could lie and tell her that yes, the check-ups upset Lily and he’d had to calm her down from a lot of nightmares inspired by Raph’s actions or, or he could be honest.

He thought about how genuinely devastated he’d be if one of the others told him that the reason Lily had come to them wasn’t because she couldn’t find him but that she was scared of him, that she’d had a nightmare about him because of something he’d done. He felt his guts twist. No, he couldn’t do that to Raphaella, he could murder her happily along with the rest of the crew whenever Lily wasn’t about and he’d been suitably bored or antagonised but lying about this?

He couldn’t do it.

If he stopped to think about it, there were quite a few things he couldn’t do now. All involved Lily, he couldn’t lie to the others about her, they were all in this together, more so than anything they’d been bound by previously. Jonny knew he was the primary source of Lily information but he actually respected that fact and that he should share as much as was reasonable to make sure it was as easy for the others to comfort and look after her as possible. This communal guardianship parenting thing they’d fallen into was working but it needed proper communication much as it felt like pulling teeth sometimes. It was needed so he did it. So they all did it.

He fixed Raphaella with as sincere look as he could manage.

“No Raph, she’s never had a nightmare about you or the check-ups, I think she’d settled into them, always asks me stuff about what you do in the lab so I reckon you’re fine.”

Raphaella tried and failed not to look relieved.

“Oh, well, thank you that’s, that’s preferable.”

Yeah, it is. Her ship’s done enough of a number on her, she’s been here long enough now to know, I think, that we’re not trying to fuck her up.

That seems like a reasonable conclusion. She’s not been put off by what she sees on a daily basis, between Tim’s shooting practice, TS’s stories and my science if that’s not affected her negatively then, for the moment we may remain in grace period.

“What do we do when that ends?”

“We’ll have to slowly introduce more regular elements of life on board to get her more used to things, little by little, it seems to be working so far.”

Jonny considered, Raph did have a point, last week something had exploded and whilst Lily had gone stock-still and the colour drained out of her face she hadn’t cried or outwardly panicked, instead asked Jonny very quietly if they could find out what happened, because ‘it was probably Tim trying his new canon that he had been showing her through the building process but could they go and check please just to make sure?’

So they had and it was. Jonny was feeling pretty fucking murderous but Tim had ignored him and got there first, explaining when they arrived exactly what he’d been upto, that he was sorry it went off without her there to see but the trigger had been too sensitive. He’d shown Lily the system and rig so that she understood the weapon and where the sound had come from, feeling much happier that she knew this was something to protect them and not a sign that they were under attack.

Jonny had planned an elaborate murder for Tim and braced himself for an onslaught of nightmares that never came. Well they did but it was just the usual, banging on the doors in the dark one nothing to do with Tim or his explosions. He’d been waiting a full eight days and nothing. He was beginning to suspect Tim’s approach of including Lily in the construct of the weapon really had been a big help. Clever bastard.

“Yeah, that’s, that’s probably as good a plan as we’ve got.”

Raphaella considered, Jonny didn’t have to have been kind a moment ago. But he was. She’d almost entirely forgotten what it was like to be concerned about the long-term effects of her science and she hadn’t liked the feeling whatsoever. He could have made it worse and didn’t. That certainly counted for something and definitely towards her working theory about him and his own developmental track.

“It’s probably better than what she would have in any other circumstance or with anyone else who might have rescued her. We’re all doing well with her, physically and mentally, we’re all in this together and it’s working, I can see it in my results and charts as clearly as I see it on her, against more odds than I think even Ivy would be comfortable calculating we’re improving her, as a crew, she’s healing and mending, and,” she considered her words, “you’re both the catalyst and accelerator in this compound of all of us, with all the variables.”

Jonny began to open his mouth.

“You’re good for her, my research indicates it.” Elaborated Raphaella stiffly. Being kind and gentle with Lily was far easier than she expected it to be, transversely being articulately kind to her crewmates was decidedly harder, she’d had very little practice and took refuge in her scientific terms, they always flowed more easily.

Jonny’s eyes widened at the implication of what she was saying. That it was her saying it.

Still, with him, sometimes actions spoke louder than words.

Very carefully she handed over Lily to him, fuzzy rock thing and all, taking care to catch Jonny’s hand in the process and squeeze it for the briefest of moments.

She was deeply surprised to receive a returning squeeze, equally as brief.

She tried to read his face, a myriad of expressions flitted over him, shock, confusion, wariness, pride and elation before settling back to his default of ‘cocky bastard smirk’

He held Lily close a moment then allowed a softer, sincere expression to linger in his eyes, “Thanks Raph, s’what the crew’s for, everyone’s got a job with this one.”

He sobered and shifted, face returning to its usual look, his regular swagger sliding into his stance, “See you at breakfast.” He threw out his familiar feral grin without the need or will to add a snarky comment and sauntered out with a Lily tucked up against his chest who was at least half an inch taller and several pounds heavier than when she arrived.

They were working as a crew and it was mending Lily.

Not for the first time Raphaella considered the pair as they left her lab, a fond smile spreading across her face. The unlikeliness of this scenario had already cost Ivy one full notebook but the science officer could honestly conclude that she was deeply satisfied by this anomaly and looked forward to the further variables it generated.

Otherwise, what even was the point?

Smile still on her face she settled down to update her research log on the day’s nocturnal events. Her file was getting decidedly long.

Raphaella found that only pleased her more.

#the mechanisms #jonny d'ville #raphaella la cognizi #Lily Of-Many-Names #the mechanisms fanfic #soft!mechs #part of my Lily series on AO3 #Night Terrors Chapter 5 #If this doesn't work I'll be miffed.#please tumblr just work

9 notes · View notes

ikemenshakespeare · 4 years

Text

Harr X MC | “Spring Fever”

Warning: NSFW.

Authors Note: I’ve been inspired to write something like this since “A Charming Change” event released a while ago. They missed a few of our favorite guys, So I asked around and most people said they were curious to see our boy Harr with a different type of personality then his regular shy withdrawn self. Although the storyline is not the same (like at all.) I had fun putting in my own creative twist on the idea of opposite personalities! As always enjoy, reblog, and comment because I love to see feedback from you guys. Thank you to all who read! 💕

Harr darted onto a quiet ally still hand in hand with me. He let out a small sigh of relief but I stared him down with a frown. “What’s wrong?” We were casually strolling through central quarter and next thing I knew he was frantically trying to find some place to hide.

“There’s just so many people, I’m not used to openly walking around like this.” I looked behind me to exam the scene, trying to understand the feeling Harr was having. With close examination all I could see were the many people laughing and enjoying each others company.

“Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. After all, the weather is beauitful. I find going out like this really fun, I think you just have to give it some time and you’ll grow to love it too.” The sounds of spring played peacefully. The birds were chirping and the wind whistled a soft happy tune as it breezed by. Looking into his eyes I could still see the conflict, but he responded confidently.

“I guess you’re right, let’s continue.” He stiffly led me back into the busy street and we began walking once more. I thought back on all that’s happened in the past couple months. Harr had his reputation as ‘The Wanted Wizard’ upheld after he helped both armies defeat the currupt magic tower. He was so used to living in his own isolation that he forgot what it’s like to be around lively groups of people, to be excepted in a town which he came from. I glanced around hoping to find something that would take his mind off the nerves. I suddenly stopped short, in awe of what I saw. A little Kiosk stood on the corner of the road. The entire thing was covered in a number of different flowers, Some I’d seen before and some I had not. Harr spoke up, “what is it MC?”

“Look over there, have you ever seen this little shop before?” He looked over and shook his head, a shy no. “Do you mind if we take a look? Maybe they sell flower arrangements, I’ve been meaning to get something new to spiff up my bedroom.” He smiled sweetly and squeezed my hand.

“Sounds like a plan.” As we walked closer I saw a woman a bit older then us organizing bottles. I spoke up to get her attention.

“Hello, Miss?”

“Oh hi! Are you be interested in purchasing one of our perfumes?” Perfumes?

“Oh no, I’m sorry. I was admiring your kiosk and thought you might be a flourist. My mistake.” The woman’s smile never faltered.

“Well that’s quite alright, You can still sample and see if you’re interested?” She pulled up one of the bottles she’d been organizing earlier. The pattern was an array of 5 different colors so bright I thought it may be glowing.

“I really don’t have much money, so I don’t know if I’d be able to purchase something as fancy as that.” Harr looked down at me then spoke to the shopkeeper.

“Can we take a look at it?” Her smile gleamed.

“See! This young man understands quite well what a woman wants. If your hesistant to try for yourself, maybe your boyfriends opinion could help make up your mind?” She handed the bottle over for Harr to inspect then continued on. “Our scent is made up of several of cradles most beauitful flowers, that’s why I’ve decorated my kiosk this way. Every bottle is unique due to its combination of colors which upon movement of the bottle reveal many different variations.” As if testing her theory Harr tilted the bottle, and surely the rainbow pattern changed.

“It’s beauitful...” I stepped forward to take a closer look for myself now. The woman stared on expectantly.

“Aren’t you going to try it sir?” To my surprise Harr wore a skeptical look on his face. I spoke up not wanting him to get uncomfortable.

“The scent is for woman right? If you don’t wanna smell feminine I could-”

“It’s fine.” One quick spray and the area around us smelt of the most wonderful flower field. Surprising since he’d sprayed it directly on himself.

“It smells amazing!”

“It really does! People say while wearing it they find themselves feeling more active or excited. Some have even said they’ve felt amorous.” The way she spoke those last words left a sour feeling inside me. It was almost as if her whole demeanor had changed. Using my better judgement I gave my final decline to her offer.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ll be buying anything from you today. Thank you for all your kindness!” With that I turned around and walked away as quickly as possible, dragging Harr not far behind me. I know I saw a park a couple blocks back, maybe we could head over there to sit down and relax. The entire way Harr remained unusually silent, even for him. When we were just far enough into the park I stopped to ask him, “That women was a bit strange, wasn’t she? I’m glad we got out of there when we did.” No response, I turned around. “Harr, are you feeling alright?” Before I could make eye contact, I felt myself being pushed to the ground. “HARR?!-” my shout was muffled by his left hand against my mouth. I was in such shock I didn’t even notice he’d pinned my hands above my head.

“SHH.” He hissed. I tried mumbling some confused questions his way but they remained unheard. He gazed at me with eyes I’d never seen before. He looked lustful, maybe closer to hungry. We locked eyes for a moment before he slowly tilted my face, leaving one side of my neck exposed. I felt his tongue move leisurely down my neck. My body tighten as I breathed out a small moan. Harr gave me a deep chuckle in response, something I would never expect from him. My eyes widened in shock. “I never realized how cute you could be Alice, I should’ve taken control sooner.” Alice? He hasn’t called me that since we’d first met... Desperately I ripped my hands from his grip and used them to pry his fingers from my lips. Leaving his hand halfway between my jaw and throat.

“What is going on with you?? You can’t do this here, someone could see us.” I urged, I felt like my entire face was on fire. Yet somehow, his hands were warmer. Gentle as they were against my skin, his eyes were relentless.

“Alice, are you trying to tell me you don’t like it?” My brain practically flat lined at his words, All rational thought leaving my mind. Truthfully I had lost count of how many times I’d fantasized about Harr. Imagining all the possible things he could do to me. Even a moment like this was something I could only daydream about, but the possibility of it ever actually happening... Harr could never- Another unarming laugh fell from his lips, in the best way. “It’s written all over your face, you don’t really want me to stop, do you?” I’d been caught red handed, lying would do nothing for me now. I shook my head, turning a brighter shade of pink then should’ve been possible. A grin like moonlight spread across his face. Then he brought his lips unbearably close to my ear and nipped. A gruff whisper came to follow, “Alice, I promise to take care of you... so long as you behave like a good girl.” My heart hammered in my chest as he started undoing the buttons on my blouse, slipping his hands to cup my breasts. The sun was starting to set, and many of the towns people were more then likely on their way home. I could go against my better judgement and go through with this. Get away with our dirty little act and have some fun, but something inside me screamed it’s not right. This has to do with the woman at the perfume shop? I just know it! If he goes on like this he’ll regret it. I took my hands and placed them on either side of his cheeks, I struggled to speak through the undeniable moans of pleasure I felt.

“Ha-Harr, this isn’t like you. You don’t have to do this.” He paused abruptly and his one eye winced shut before flashing back open again.

“What are we...” Like he was having some sort of epiphany, he jumped back in surprise. “Eh-!” He fell back on his behind, using him arms as support. He was turning a shade of red that rivaled the color of my own cheeks, I’m sure. “The-the perfume. That’s the last thing I remember before I-” he looked me over hesitantly, a disheveled mess.

“She tricked us, it’s not your fault. As soon as I can I’ll be sure to notify the red and black army about what happened here!” I angrily began adjusting myself back to normal, buttoning my shirt and giving my hair a quick run though with my fingers. Harr gave me a weary look.

“No MC, it was my fault we’re in this position. I had a feeling that woman was up to something, but as soon as you volunteered to try out the perfume yourself I panicked and reacted without thinking. I’m sorry.” He looked away from me, ashamed. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight as I could.

“This wasn’t your fault, that lady played a nasty trick on the both of us. We can figure out what to do about her later, but for now we should head home. It’s starting to get dark.” The look of astonishment on his face was undeniably cute, but then he did something that surprised me for the upteenth time today. A soft kiss pecked my lips, so quick I could have been mistaken that he’d even done it at all. “What was that for?”

“You’re amazing, you know?” I grinned bashfully.

“Listen, My heart cant take much more of your antics. Are you sure all the effects have worn off?”

“Yes. But if you don’t mind I would like to say one more thing.”

“What’s that?”

“I love you.” He rendered me speechless. As he stood up he helped me to my feet aswell, brushing the grass off my skirt like the true gentleman he was. We spent our entire walk home in content silence. Our hands never apart from one another.

#Harr Silver #Otome #Ikemen Revolution #Fanfiction #Cybird #A Charming Change

30 notes · View notes

royallyprincesslilly · 5 years

Text

Title: Love, Maybe? {18}

Chris Evans X Reader OFC Vixen Giovanni

Warning: Cursing, Angst

Word Count: 3.2K

Summary: After a night of drunkenness you wake up next to warm, hot as hell body, a migraine and no memory of the night before. When you come to realize that the hot body belongs to none other than Hollywood’s golden boy Chris Evans you freak out. As events unfold you become even more panicked to find out you got married in your drunken haze. What else is there to do but get it annulled, right? Before walking away, you share one more night of molten kisses and passion. 3 years later you are still living with the repercussions of your brash decisions, but the surprises don’t stop there. The past has a way of coming back and have you questioning is this fate that you’ve been running from, hell could it have been love, maybe?

Note: Italic texts is an inner Vixen thought. Bold Italic texts is an inner Chris thought.

**Slightly Edited/Proofread**

Thank you guys for reading!!!! If you enjoyed this please LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG. 😊 ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 18: First Steps

-Vixen-

“How long has it been?”

“About a week,” you responded as you spooned another overflowing spoon of vanilla ice cream into your mouth, then another soon followed.

“Okay, a week isn’t bad. I mean I’d expect a little adjustment period. The man just found out he has an almost-three-year-old daughter. I think a week is an acceptable amount of time to take,” Nexus calmly rationalized.

You weren’t as calm or seeing things the same. You were the complete opposite. Where she was calm, you were an anxious mess. You’d spent the last week in a hyperactive bubble of chaos. Your mind ran miles a minute, thinking what he was thinking, doing, how he was feeling. You worried more than anything. Part of you worried he’d decided he wanted to be involved, that he wanted to be her father and be completely hands-on, and another part of you worried he’d decided to cut and run, worried he didn’t want to know her, didn’t want to be a father. You worried about a lot more than that, to be honest, but touching on it was not something you were ready for. Instead, you stuffed your face with even more ice cream.

“You’ve been eating a lot of ice cream lately. You wanna talk about it?”

“I like ice cream,” you defended.

“Yeah, but you normally eat a lot of ice cream when you’re stressed and anxious.”

“Okay, yes, I’m stressed. This is an insane situation. A situation I created, but it's still a stressful situation.”

“I get it. You’re the mother of Chris Evans’ child. That is insane to think about, and even more insane to say it. The only way for us to get used to it is to keep saying it so say it.” You looked around the semi-crowded dessert shop. She was crazy if she thought you’d go shouting out your business. You looked back at her, and she gave you an expectant look as if she had no time to waste.

“Nex, you’re insane if you think I’m going to shout out my business—especially here.”

“I never said shout it. Whisper it if you have to, the point is you have to speak the words.”

Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath; it wasn’t a full one. You hadn’t been able to take a full one for weeks, not since San Fran. It always felt like something was sitting heavy on your chest. You still hadn’t said the words. In three damn years, it was the one thing you had refused to say.

“Vix, come on.”

You sighed loudly and kissed your teeth. You looked over to Ella playing in the child area across the shop and smiled, watching her innocence. She was innocent in all this. She deserved everything good in the world.

“I am the mother of Chris Evans’ daughter. Chris Evans is my baby daddy.”

Nex snorted and shook her head. “Nice touch.” You sighed again and plopped a hefty spoonful of ice cream in your mouth. “I don’t feel any better you false prophet.” Nexus laughed this time, drawing Ella’s attention. She laughed too making you smile.

“What if he’s decided to hell with her and the whole father shit? What if he hates me so much he doesn’t even want to bother?” the silence stretched between you and Nex and the two of you just stared at Ella. “Let’s say that is the case, how would that make you feel?”

“Feel? She had to be kidding. I’ve worked overtime for years to put a kaput on anything related to feelings. I made an effort to not even go near any content that could evoke any feelings.”

“Okay, something easier then. Would you be okay if that were his decision?” You rubbed your scalp; you were already regretting the intricate updo you’d put your hair in this morning. Reaching back, you took the pins out and sighed once you were free. “I’ve been living with just her and me for her whole life. It was without a thought of having someone involved. I never once thought hey what if he were, it was just not where I was. If he decided to just continue on his life knowing he has a child out there and chose not to be involved, I think I’d be okay.” You looked at Nexus who had a “bitch please” look on her face. Who were you kidding, you probably wouldn’t be okay with it. You’d probably be pissed though you had no right to be.

“Do you want him involved? I honestly think you’re more worried about him choosing to opt-out over anything else.” You took another attempt at a deep breath and was still unsuccessful. “If he opted out it would be like him not choosing me again, and even worse not choosing her. She’s a part of him Nex.”

“Not choosing you,” Nexus repeated. You didn’t even realize you’d said that out loud.

“Shit!”

Ella rushed over to you as quick as her little legs could manage and pulled on your pant leg. Sliding off the seat to sink to the floor getting on her level, she threw her arms around your neck burying her face into your chest. “What’s the matter, sweetie?” You lifted her and gently rocked her from side to side in an effort to soothe her. She didn’t answer, and you looked at Nexus communicating that it was time to go. Without missing a beat, Nex got up, gathered your trash and walked to the door where she discarded of the items in the bin. “What’s wrong Ella?” She didn’t respond to Nex’s question either. You assumed she was tired and decided it was time to head home. It had been a busy day.

By the time you made it back to the house and got Ella taken care of with a bath and a small snack the sun had set, and you were more than ready to call it a night. As you waited for the pizza to arrive, you scrolled through your social media and sipped a glass of wine. Curiosity got the better of you, and you typed in his name. As the results populated, you saw a bunch of images of him throughout the years, most from movies. You looked over the pictures and admired how his look had changed over the years.

When you’d met he wasn’t an ugly guy, you doubted he had ever been ugly it was universally impossible. He looked as if he was still in that stage of life where he didn’t’ want any ties, and he preferred things to be complication-free, it showed it in his small goatee. Now that goatee had filled out in a jaw-dropping way; his eyes had intensified with how blue they were. The night in the diner you couldn’t not look in his eyes. You didn’t know if it was the fact that his hair had gotten redder and it worked to bring out the blue more or if they had in fact gotten bluer. His eyes were Ella’s eyes. You loved spending hours just looking into her eyes through the years. It dawned on you the night at the diner why.

You were thankful when the doorbell rang to find it was the pizza. After Ella gobbled down two slices, she sauntered off to the playroom with Nexus’ finger tightly in her small hand, and there they remained for at least an hour. You didn’t even notice when Nex sat beside you on the back deck. She held out another bottle of wine which you smiled at. As she filled your empty glass your thoughts drifted yet again.

“So, not choosing you.”

You sighed because you knew she hadn’t let it go. You knew she’d bring it back up; you knew it would be one of those things that you’d have to face head-on. “Tell me about what that meant.” Gulping down the glass of wine, you refilled it and rubbed the smooth glass against your full bottom lip. “There are two possible nights Ella was conceived. Either it was the night we got married in Vegas or, the last night at his house here in LA after we’d signed the divorce papers. It’s impossible to tell really. They were days apart. Anyway, the night at his house after we’d—everything was good, it was amazing. it was always amazing Nex.” You sighed again taking a much-needed pause, the memories from that night were beginning to play in front of you like a movie and were bringing all the feelings with them.

“I mean, he carries himself with pure big dick energy, and it’s not a small amount it’s an overwhelming amount. I don’t understand how because he’s a white boy, but he has it.” You snorted unable to contain your amusement. She was right, you’d noticed it years ago. It was overpowering hence how you got married and then how Ella happened. “So, you’re saying Chris Evans lays good pipe. Wow,” Nex said as she stared into the backyard with an amazed look on her face.

“Good is an understatement. It’s not just the pipe that’s pure perfection.” Nexus gasped and looked to you like you’d just dropped the biggest bomb in the world. You gave her the eye and knew she got it. She giggled to herself while you immersed yourself in the memories again. “We’d spent the day together, had lunch, talked—a lot he comes off so relatable, so down to earth, you can tell he’s cut from a different cloth. I messed up and thought amazing dick and strong strokes meant more and could mean more, and he set me straight,” you summed up.

“What the hell does that mean? What did he do?” You stared into the glass you held and finally said the words out loud and allowed the emotions you felt then to float front and center for the first time since it happened. “What!? Oh, hell no he didn’t.” You nodded and finished the glass then poured the last of the bottle into your glass. Yeah, you’d finished the whole bottle by yourself.

“Wow, I’m speechless. He said that? Wow.” You nodded again and bit your bottom lip and rubbed your temples, feeling the throbbing start. “What’d you say?”

You’d wanted to cuss his ass out but if you’d done that it would have shown you cared more and that was the last thing in hell you would have done. “Nothing. He went to the bathroom. I got dressed and left. There was nothing to say. He made his position clear.” You both sat there in silence. You lost in the memories from that night and the things you could have said. You wondered if you would have said something showed that you cared if things could have been different. Would he have admitted he felt something too? Would the two of you have been able to get it together perhaps date, then raise Ella together this entire time? Would you have stayed married? Groaning you put the glass down. These were dangerous thoughts, thoughts that could ruin things more than they already were.

“He was the one that hurt you. He’s the reason you shut down, the reason no one ever had a chance all these years. The reason why Zack will never make it out the friend zone. He broke you.” It was then you remembered Zack. You hadn’t talked since that day at the restaurant. The day you’d seen Chris. He’d stayed away, and you knew you would have to be the one to reach out to make things right. You just didn’t care to.

“Shit, maybe I am broken.” You stood, gathered your glass and two of the four empty bottles around you and walked inside. Nex followed you into the kitchen with the remaining items.

“I don’t think he’s decided to opt-out. After everything I’ve come to see over the last few years or interviews, he wants kids, a family. Plus, he doesn’t look like the kind of man who’d opt-out knowing he had a baby in the world. He needs time; he needs some space; it’s a lot you dropped on him. It took you nine months to come to terms with your situation. It wasn’t until they put Ella on your chest that it all really clicked for you. It’s been about two weeks.” She was right; you knew it. This wasn’t the kind of thing one just absorbs in hours. It was a lot, a lifetime worth of responsibility.

“Do you want him involved?”

“This again.”

You closed your eyes again and tried to separate your feelings from what was right and wrong. Carefully and quickly you went through the endless possibilities and outcomes, and though you tried to keep your feelings out of it, they crept in. After a while, you groaned. The ringing of Nexus’ phone broke the silence and saved you from saying the words. Nexus hurried to her bag and rifled through it until she took out the phone. It was almost midnight, and neither of you knew who could be calling.

“Hello?” Her eyes slowly widened, and you felt a sinking feeling in the pit of your belly. Deep down, you knew who it was.

“Shit.”

Nexus walked to you. “Hang on.” She held the phone out to you. You didn’t move; just looked at the phone then to her. She nodded as if to urge you to make a move, but you were frozen. Nexus reached out took your hand and placed the phone in it. You stood there trying to find your voice and your courage. Slowly you raised the device to your ear and released a slow breath.

“Hello?” There was silence for a good minute then you heard him take a deep breath on the other end.

“I want to be involved. I want to be a part of her life.” Tears filled your eyes, and they rolled down your cheeks freely as you nodded as if he could see you. “Are you there?” Clearing your throat and wiping away the tears you nodded again.

“Yeah, I’m here. Okay.” More silence stretched between you. You had no idea what to say; the decision was made. He’d stepped up, opting out was not an option. You felt fear but also a strange mix of relief and happiness.

“So, how do we do this?” You scoffed and laughed. No matter how you tried to stop yourself, you couldn’t manage it, so there you stood leaning against the kitchen island laughing like an idiot. “I have no idea,” you responded. It was his turn to laugh. So that was how a good two minutes were spent, the two of you laughing at the situation and the fact neither of you knew what to do now, or how to do it. slowly your laughter died down, and the silence returned.

“I know you said you don’t know me or some things about my lifestyle and this might be the wrong first move but--.” More silence stretched with his hesitation. Your anxiety rose higher, as did your heart rate. “Can I meet her?” Your heart pounded and melted at the same time. His voice was so small, so unsure and so damn gripping, you wanted to reach out into the phone and place it against his cheek. You groaned and put your head on the island and allowed the cold marble to center you. “It was a stupid idea. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so presumptuous; of course, it’s too soon.”

“No, no, that’s not it. No, you’re not, it’s fine. I’m sorry I just—I’m having a hard time with words or thoughts right now. I’ve been attacked with memories for the last few hours, and it’s taking a toll. I’m sorry. Yeah,” you rushed out without thinking.

“What kind of memories?” With the question you imagined his hands on your body and then his head between your legs. You groaned and shook your head. “Oh, you know, normal stuff.” Somehow you knew he was smiling; you could feel it, and it made you smile as well. “Yeah, I know about normal stuff. It’s hard,” he responded.

“Hard? Does he mean what I think he means? What’s hard? Is he hard? Does he think about what I think about? Does he have dreams like I do? Oh my god!”

Clearing your throat, you tried your best to shake away the thoughts and the butterflies taking flight in the pit of your belly. “So yeah, you uh—you can meet her. I don’t think it’s too soon. It may be long overdue.”

“Really? Are you sure? I don’t want to overstep or--.” You interrupted his ramble with a smile on your face. “This is new for the both of us, I don’t have a manual or a guide, and I have literally been living the last three years based on what feels right. If it feels right I do it. This—it feels right. It feels like the right move,” you filled in. He was quiet again. You wondered what he was thinking, wondered what he would say if he’d say anything at all.

“Is tomorrow good?

“Jesus he’s really in.”

“Yeah, sure. Tomorrow is fine,” you confirmed while even more butterflies took flight. You tried to keep your thoughts straight, tried to keep everything else at bay. “Um, maybe the restaurant off of Wilshire?”

“Might not be a good idea doing this in public. There’s already been more than enough run-ins with the paps. She’s still freaked from that day,” you explained. “Right, of course. I’m sorry about that by the way,” Chris interjected.

“It’s fine. I’m sure you can’t control it.” He sighed into the phone and you pictured his breath smelling like oranges and mint like it did that last night. You took a deep breath as if you could really smell it—smell him. You couldn’t. This was just a phone conversation, and you were already feeling foolish. “What about my place?” Your stomach knotted, and you softly gasped as you placed your hand over your belly. You wondered if he still lived at the same place. “Do you still live at the same place in the hills?”

“You remember. Yeah, same place.” Your core clenched and you groaned. “Not a good idea. Um, why not here. It’s somewhere she’s comfortable, private away from the press, safe.” Another stretch of silence filled the time. “Safe for her or you?” He saw through you. A disconcerting feeling filled you. It was definitely safe for you. You knew if you went back to his house, you’d be incapacitated with memories and emotions and this wasn’t about you. It was about Ella, him and Ella. “Safe all around. Does that work?” He agreed, and the two of you released a breath in unison then let the silence return. You could hear his breathing, and it was a soothing sound, a sound you liked. You confirmed an adequate time and gave him your address then rushed off the phone and dropped into the couch. Nex tried her best to calm your nerves, but it wasn’t enough. You knew you wouldn’t sleep that night. You felt there was a lot on the line and you had to make sure you were under control by tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

***If you want to be tagged please SEND AN ASK SO IT WILL BE EASIER FOR ME TO KEEP TRACK OF. Thank you for reading!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TagList:

@sarahboseman @heyauntieeee @airis-paris14 @thiccdaddy-mbaku @wakandas-vibranium @wakanda-inspired @theunsweetenedtruth @ashanti-notthesinger @reignsxjackson @halfrican-heat @ambthegamer @simplyyamberr @muse-of-mbaku @sisterwifeudaku @mejustme06 @ilcb7 @leahnicole1219 @destinio1 @maliadestiny @drsunshine97 @blowmymbackout @purplehairgawdess @thehuntoyobun @wakandamama @wakandawinning @profilia @zxddy-panther @h-challa @babygirlofwakanda @misswakanda2018 @ororowrites@hutchj @myfavemarvelfanfics @lavitabella87 @afraiddreamingandloving @autumn242 @purple-apricots @skysynclair19 @hersheyskissesss-blog @blue-ishx @90sinspiredgirl @tchallaswife @tchallamakesmeh0lla @turn-thy-paige @blackchickfics @blackpantherismyish @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @naturally-bri @flawlesslybeautiful14 @qweentbh@lunaerly @theoutereffect@twilight-sapphire-lover @pupyluv247 @stark-red19 @cockyboysandsugarism@maverickabull @madbadsiren @aykanna @myaw731 @ruruly20 @mixedmelanin @brittyevans @bezzywazhere@laketaj24 @soulsparker @theresnomoregoodones @syreanne@loveandcigarillos @heyauntieeee @heybriheyyy @wakanda-bcth @uhlxis @maliadestiny @dadinhas-heat @yaachtynoboat711@geeksareunique @bultalongthewayside @ajspencer1892 @captiansaveasmut @imaginewhoever @terrablaze514 @starsshines-blog @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade@darkandlovely94 @sithlordslut @wavyyc @naturalistamisslyn @nigarachi15 @madamslayyy @blackandfair @kreolemami @mylastnameisthe-fish @kaykay0829@chaneajoyyy @tequilajay27 @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @slimmiyagi @im5ftbutmythroat66 @jaeee-http@madhatterhelsing @sunflowerpsalms @wakanda-shit-is-that @deliciousstreetkidcroissant @jecourt @vebner37 @disneysdarlingdiva @melaninmarvel @alanastormborn@dolphinpink310 @yourwonderbelle @ohleucothea @queentearra @bitchbetterhavemydinner @fentybabyy @kaykay4454fan @priya212 @kitkit1690 @chrismarcs @beautycomesindifferentformsworld @blackpantherimagines @ovohanna24 @sweetpeachjones @kslo000 @nubian-queen18 @omgsuperstarg @airis-paris14 @sisterwifeudaku @mejustme06 @ilcb7 @leahnicole1219 @destinio1 @drsunshine97 @blue-ishx @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @prettyprincessushio @treeondrea @ursapharoh05 @blackpinup22 @kaytauru @big3gocandykahn @kissingpineapples @wildaboutchrisevans @fitfineandstayingalive @misspooh @michele-onel @gorjiss @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @muva-milaje @limbo-limbo-limbo @awkwardlyabstract @blxck-brxndie @meeky-imagines @inlovewith3 @metalarmlover @mellowjellow6 @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade@sweettea-and-honeybutter@thatrandomhetaliachick @missdeerstalker15 @ursapharoh05 @treeondrea @ovohanna24 @marvelheaux @romanceoftheeveryday @mufasathatniggatho @cltex84 @sweetbearcolorgarden @msincognito67 @mosagram @lunaerly @mar-ta-3 @ljstraightnochaser @lewatigress @akimi-youngblood @bekahdean87 @jasmindaughteroftheworld@cocooned-butterfly @emoniclark22 @chereedrop619 @theblulife @niggarachi15 @drsunshine97 @msincognito67 @missdeerstalker15 @wakandamama @great-neckpectations @avenger-marvel-fan @arieljamiyla @vibranium-soul @monae-boss @queenxchallaxkillamonger@amirra88 @jaeee-http @omg-itsnadi @fonville-designs @sydneebleu @cherrystainedlipsbaby @behindthesehazeleyes27 @areubeingserved @kelbabyblue @academic-glowup

#love maybe fic #Chris Evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x you #Chris Evans X black reader #chris evans x reader #chris evans smut #angst fanfic #slow burn fanfic

197 notes · View notes

cyoza · 5 years

Text

adrenaline

okay so we can all agree that ep 5 has been the best one so far of the season so I tried to something from that

I did try to get a little dirtier but honestly I couldn’t get in the mind frame, even after 2 glasses of scotch so aqui estamos! that being said, i feel like my last couple of chapters were focused on big horny Kory energy so I’ve at least tried to flip that around.

as per, please like, comment reblog if you like it! thanks!!

part two

part three

part four

part five

part six

*******************************************************************************************

The mood back at HQ was indescribable. Somehow electric from the residual energy but sombre due to everyone’s exhaustion yet triumphant from their win. Safe to say the drive back was tense and silent. Arguably due to Jason being passed out in the backseat meaning he couldn’t fill the car with his nonsensical babbling. That being said, the relief over him being okay was the premier emotion, everyone knowing how badly this could have ended.

Dick and Hank had taken responsibility for him, carrying him from the car to the infirmary. They settled him with what was essentially a baby monitor so that they could keep an eye on him but still recuperate; any movement or change would send an immediate alert to Dick’s phone. He had sustained a lot of injuries, which meant that the night ahead could potentially be a long one; everything would be touch and go to make sure he didn’t succumb to any injuries from his fall. Though Jason would probably never admit it, the trauma of the night would more than likely haunt him for a very long time to come.

Dick knew that more than anyone.

He had insisted Rachel and Gar go to bed, having to nearly twist Gar’s arm to leave Rose to get some rest ensuring him she would be okay now that everyone was back. Kory had been in the shower for the last 15 minutes, meaning she would be out soon but for now Dick was alone in the living room, bar the miserable company of the glass of whiskey in his hand. He let out a deep sigh before gulping down a mouthful, the liquid leaving a burning trail down his throat. He hoped more than anything it would at least allow him to unwind a little, the remnants of adrenaline still coursing through him fiercely.

Tonight had been a cyclone of pure shit and he had no one to blame but himself. He couldn’t seem to make the right decisions no matter how hard he tried. Because of him Rachel was in crisis, Rose and Jason were in the infirmary, not to mention how tumultuous the rest of his relationships were and if it wasn’t for Kory, they’d probably all be dead.

Kory..

The thought of her had him instinctively taking another sip, swigging the last of it. He prayed that it would slow down the leap in his heart rate but all it was currently doing was aiding in raising the heat that was stirring under the collar of his navy t shirt. He’d never seen anyone move so fluidly and so effortlessly with such power. Donna had once joked that he had a ‘thing for dangerous women’ and after tonight it would be difficult to deny it with vim. He felt himself slide down his chair slightly as he remembered more from the fight, allowing himself to do so now he knew everyone was safe and sound; at least for now. He allowed himself to remember how strong her arms looked blocking the bullets from Deathstroke. Allowed himself to think about how powerful and lithe her body looked as she flew out of the window after Jason to catch him in her arms. How positively ethereal she looked as she lifted him back to safety. He always knew Kory was exquisite but tonight was something else, something he could never hope to imagine.

‘Comfortable there, Grayson?’

Kory’s voice jolted him back up to a sitting position, causing him to almost drop his glass. He glanced up at her to scold her jokingly but found his mouth too dry to speak at the sight of her. She wore nothing but one of his button up shirts, her hair freshly blow dried to maximum fluffiness; all in all, she looked utterly irresistible

‘Dick? Hey, are you okay?’ Her voice broke his revere, summoning his gaze back her eyes where he met her worried gaze.

‘Yeah, yeah. Sorry, its uh, it's been a long night.’ He apologised, setting down the glass on the coffee table next to him.

He watched as she took the seat opposite him, trying to ignore how the light from the lamp highlighted the muscular shape of her thighs as the shirt lifted.

‘No pyjamas?’ He inquired.

‘No, I was kind of in a rush to get back so I didn’t have the time and this is the first thing I could find when I came out of the shower. You don’t mind do you?’ She raised an eyebrow, as if she was daring him to object.

‘No, of course not. You’re good.’ He cleared his throat before speaking again. ‘So..’ was his marvelous start.

‘So…?’ Kory continued, questioningly.

‘Uh, long night. And you can fly! When, um, did you find that out?’

‘Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that actually. I got a...jump start in getting my memories back recently and that was one of the things that I remembered.’ She shrugged it off as if it were nothing, as if she hadn’t saved multiple lives tonight. ‘That was the first time I’ve done it since. I don’t know, I saw Jason fall and next thing I knew he was in my arms. Call it instinct, I guess. I was as surprised as you were. But you - You’re not Robin anymore but you sure still have his moves.’

‘Yeah, you think so? Well, I try.’ He responded, her praise sent a warm prickling sensation all over his body.

‘I’m sure you do.’ She smiled at him as she held his gaze, a smile of a siren, sultry and downright enticing. ‘You know, I forgot how good of a team we are. How well we work together. It was nice to be reminded.’

The air surrounding them seemed to be static, the electricity between them palpable in the room and the voltage seemed to ascend exponentially the longer they looked at each other. Kory was the one who broke the bubble, standing to make her way over to him. Dick could feel the typhoon of desire rising within him, like tumbling clouds and he knew it was only a matter of time that the feeling would tsunami him. Especially if Kory kept moving the way she was moving. Thankfully, she placed herself on the arm of his chair, far enough that he could at least form some relatively rational thoughts. But then she leaned over him, stupefying him as the sweet, rosy billow of her shampoo and conditioner. Kory grabbed the glass he’d been drinking out of and filled it halfway before throwing it back in one swallow.

‘It’s no fun to drink by yourself. You’re not going to get in your head tonight, Grayson, I’m gonna make sure of that.’ She announced with conviction.

Dick looked up at her, the alcohol making itself known at this point and giving him the liquid courage he needed to do what he did next. In all the recent events and tribulations, Dick had forgotten who he was. Kory frequently rendered him powerless to her but it was time he reminded himself and her of the attractive, tactful man he was. So he wound his arm around her waist and pulled her down into his lap, prompting a surprise squeal from Kory as she tipped backwards, her legs now placed over the arm of the chair.

‘Oh? And how do you expect to do that, Miss Anders?’ He whispered, pulling her closer to him so she was flush against him.

‘Why don’t you give me some suggestions...Mr Grayson.’ Kory’s face couldn’t have been more than a few inches from his, giving him perfect access for his following move.

Dick seized her lips with his own in one swift move, revelling in how velvety they were and Kory matched his energy, kissing him back with just as much enthusiasm as he gave her. She lifted her arms to drape them over his shoulders, her hands landing at the nape of his neck to sieve through the tufts of hair there. The slight tug she gave them evoking a pleased grunt from him, his hips jerking instinctually. Suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to take her right there and then on the spot.

Normally Dick was more patient, more explorative in his ministrations, but with the way the Kory was shifting in his lap and the exhilaration from the night coupled with the whiskey, he rushed to undo the buttons of the shirt she was wearing.

It was Kory again who broke their mutual trance, pulling back from the kiss to halt his hands before he opened more than the two buttons he’d unclasped.

‘Ah, we can’t do this here. I can’t have someone walking through here and catching us.’

And much to his dismay, she slid off his lap and stood towering over his position in the chair. He began to protest but was cut short when she continued to liberate the rest of the buttons, drawing open the collar of the shirt and permitting him a peek of the supple curve of her bare breasts.

‘So? Shall we continue this in the bedroom, Mr Grayson?’

Well, he didn’t need to be asked twice.

#dc titans #titans 2018 #titans #dickkory #dick grayson #kory anders #koriand'r #Donna Troy #hank hall #robin 2.0 #???? can i tag jason as that?? idk #nightwing #??? can i also tag that idk #oh well #dicckory fanfic #dickkory fanfiction #rose wilson #rachel roth

63 notes · View notes

doctorstrangeaskblog · 5 years

Text

Body Language and Facial Expression Analysis: Doctor Strange and Tony Stark first discussion

Let’s use some technical aspects to deduce what Tony and Stephen were thinking and how and why they reacted the way they did. First, watch the scene and then we’ll discuss bit by bit.

youtube

First, what we know: Doctor Strange is warned by Bruce about Thanos and then Stephen finds Tony, to explain him how serious the situation is and how everyone needs Tony’s help. As we can see, Stephen’s facing Tony, what means INTEREST in a conversation. Stephen’s eyebrows are tense because the situation is tense. Strange isn’t angry at the moment, he’s just telling what Bruce said and explaining how serious all the situation is. Tony however, refuses to face Stephen, he turns his face and his body away, not wanting to face the situation, not wanting to face Stephen, because Stephen brings the bad news and Tony doesn’t want bad news. Then Tony finds an excuse to turn his back to everyone, to not face the situation, that can be justifiable because of all the trauma Tony went through because of Loki’s invasion, that indirectly, was Thanos’ attack against New York.

Bruce and Stephen are facing Tony, Tony is facing away and Wong is facing Bruce, because Wong was listening to and talking to Bruce moments earlier. Everyone has their chest exposed, meaning everyone is trusting everyone, except Tony, he’s trying to “run away” from the situation and trying to hide his fear. We’ll talk about it soon. Right next the Cloak of Levitation (who has a strong personality) gets angry and smacks Tony’s legs because he’s touching the Cauldron of the Cosmos, something Stephen asked him to stop, but Tony refused to listen.

Tony however, doesn’t know the Cloak is a living object, so he think Stephen hit him. What happens then? We can see Tony frowning, staring Stephen, angry, HOWEVER we can also notice how Tony’s mouth muscles are tense to the side, it’s a signal of fear. Tony’s expression is a mix of anger and fear, however, he was just hit so he’s angrier at the moment.

Stephen’s eyebrows contract MORE than they were already contracted, normally meaning ANGER, however, his eyebrows aren’t moving down, they’re moving up, and that normally indicates SADNESS. Stephen’s lips MOVED DOWN, meaning sadness as well, and FRUSTRATION. It makes total sense for Stephen to be sad, the first reason is: he needs Tony to cooperate, and second, he WANTS to be respected by Tony and at the moment, Tony is not respecting him or showing any kind of admiration. Someone normally expects respect EMOTIONALLY from someone when they ADMIRE that someone, in other words, Stephen didn’t need to show SADNESS, he could just be angry, HOWEVER his lips indicate an expression of sadness, so Tony not respecting and even despising him makes him SAD.

Tony exposes his chest, raises his chin (it’s a warning of dominance, he’s responding against the act of being hit by the Cloak) and contracts one of the corners of his mouth, that normally means CONTEMPT, in other words, Tony didn’t like being hit and he’s thinking low of Stephen for doing so.

However, Tony isn’t an irrational brat, so what does he do? He changes subject and starts talking about the Time Stone and how they should get rid of it. Tony OPENS his chest and STOPS STARING Stephen, meaning that Tony isn’t focusing on his anger anymore. In other words, Stephen (or the Cloak :3) succeeded at getting Tony’s attention and now Tony is inserted in the conversation talking about what he thinks.

Stephen, despite feeling a bit angry at first, now returned to his initial state, his eyebrows aren’t tense and he’s talking about the problem to Tony, looking directly at him. This means Stephen is giving priority to the danger Thanos is bringing while being open to Tony (showing trust) since his hands are not in front of his chest or lips. Stephen basically left what he was feeling aside and now his eyebrows returned to the initial tension.

When Tony mentioned throwing the Time Stone away, Wong is clearly affected by it. His eyebrows contract a lot more than they were and he moves his body forward in disagreement. His lips contracted as well, but not laterally expanding it, but making his mouth sound “shorter”, that normally is an expression of anger. The idea the Time Stone could mean so little to Tony angers him, but he still has the same position as before, meaning he still trusts Tony and that he still is open to the conversation.

Tony is super tense, so he starts talking about the ice cream and dairy subject, that has nothing to do with the serious conversation. Tony’s eyebrows are strongly raised, his eyes also are a bit more open than the usual and his lips still are contracted, but externally: this is an expression of fear. Basically, Tony is anxious and scared and he’s trying to calm down and tell himself all the situation is common and ordinary by inserting a silly ordinary fact in the middle of it. He’s trying to calm himself. It might seem Tony is doing that just to disrespect Stephen and everyone in the room, however, he has a strong respect for Bruce, so no, Tony isn’t doing that with the main objective of disrespecting anyone, even if his attitude is disrespectful, he’s doing that trying to calm himself down.

Stephen lowers his head, normally, that means shame or when someone is facing or remembering about an unpleasant fact. At this point I believe Stephen NOTICED how tense Tony was, so what did he do? He joined Tony’s game. The natural behavior we could expect was Stephen to say “THIS IS SERIOUS! WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT ICE CREAM??” but Stephen knows why Tony is talking about ice cream, he’s scared, trying to calm down, and Stephen is scared and tense as well, so he joins the game and starts talking about his own ice cream experience too.

Stephen congrats his lip to the upper side (easier to see if you watch that moment of the video), an expression of disgust. He’s absolutely not disgusted of Tony, so what is he disgusted of? The ice cream he’s talking about. Stephen indeed tried that ice cream (Wong’s speech confirms that and suggests Stephen and Wong like going out trying many different ice cream flavors considering they even know the name of the many flavors!). We can conclude Stephen indeed tried Tony’s ice cream and didn’t like it, that means one of the two things: either Stephen is too picky or the Tony based ice cream was way too terrible. His face facing down could indicate the experience he’s thinking about was terrible.

Soon after that moment, Stephen gives Tony a pause and then returns to the topic, explaining how the Time Stone is important and talking more about the dangers Thanos is about to bring. His forehead returned to the initial point of tension, meaning he isn’t angry or sad anymore, he put his rational side into action and expects Tony to do the same. Now, Stephen knows he has to be more convincing so Tony will take him seriously, so he raises his chin more than before, showing Tony he’s as “alpha” as he is and that he is strong, serious and that he is good/competent as well, despite needing Tony’s help.

So, did you like it? Do you agree? Tell me what you think in the comments! Leave a like/reblog if you enjoyed it!

New Analysis >>>

#iron man #doctor strange #avengers #tony stark #stephen strange #meta

413 notes · View notes

slapshot-to-the-heart · 5 years

Text

Step On It - II

Alrighty friends, I have finally emerged from my hole of spotty-Wifi summer jobs to deliver the very, very overdue second part of Step On It! Once again, this was based on an idea from @mendeshoney and I’m so grateful for the chance to get to bring it to life. Please reblog and let me know what you think!

Baby wasn’t exactly sure where it started, but somewhere along the line he had become not only the getaway driver for whatever crew Flint had put together, but was put in charge of getting everyone’s coffees before strategy sessions. And that term was used loosely; more often than not, it just consisted of everyone in folding chairs around some dusty table listening to Flint talk about whose jobs were what. Questions were almost nonexistent— Flint wouldn’t have hired someone who didn’t have the business down to a science. And he’d be damned if anyone had ever been able to get away with suggesting things should go in a different direction. You didn’t mess with the boss, and you absolutely did not mess with his plans. Nobody knew exactly how long Flint had been in the game for, and everyone was always a little scared to ask. Longer than Baby had been alive, definitely, but it wasn’t what he had always done. One of the few pieces of personal information anybody knew about him was that, before he had started the whole ‘freelance crime boss’ life, he had been in real estate. Commercial.

So, needless to say, Saturday morning found him walking into Rooster Coffee House, popping one earbud out when his place in line reached the front. There was one morning, when he was running late, that he had forgone the usual small hipster shops he tended to try out and stopped at a Timmie’s. It was a mistake. When he had gotten back to the meeting house, Needles, one of Flint’s more volatile agents, had taken one look at the cup, grabbed it, and thrown it straight into the garbage can. Baby thought it was a little harsh; sure, the drinks wouldn’t win any awards, but he didn’t see an issue. Being fond of his own life and well-being, however, he had never brought that particular brand again, saving it for himself.

“What can I get you?” The barista asked, not unkindly, but clearly a little caught up in the morning rush.

“Uh, four,” Baby paused a moment, remembering himself, “five medium coffees with room?” He wasn’t sure why he worded it like a question. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. He was ordering five coffees, not asking what artisanal roaster the beans were sourced from.

The barista nodded once. “Name?”

“Baby.”

He got a strange look, but he was used to getting strange looks. “8.75.”

Baby pulled out his wallet from his back pocket, fishing out a ten dollar bill and handing it over, dropping the leftover change into the tip jar. Two or three minutes later— Baby wasn’t paying particularly close attention— the coffees were up, nestled into a cardboard carrying case that he hefted into his hand before walking the four blocks to the warehouse. One hand holding the case, the other was tapping along to the rhythm of the new John Mayer album. Unlocking the door and swinging past the half-draped painter’s canvas still left hanging from the ceiling beams, Baby slipped into the main room. He slid a cup in front of each of the four other crew members present, taking the last for himself and settling in his seat towards the back— Flint wasn’t a coffee guy.

Baby didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be writing a new song, putting together another mixtape, back at the diner finally getting that waitress’ name, anywhere apart from the cold, dark, uninviting warehouse Flint had adopted as crew headquarters. And he really didn’t want to be sitting in the room while Flint described his newest heist plans, this one involving some kind of shipping or office supply store. It would have been more than a little out of the ordinary; these types of stores weren’t typically rolling in cash, but the manager of this particular place seemed to dabble more than a little bit in money laundering and fencing, and Flint wanted in. He always wanted in. Baby thought that he must have fancied himself a sort of Robin Hood, what with the whole ‘stealing from the rich’ act, but while nobody knew exactly what anyone did with their share of the money, Baby knew Flint wasn’t exactly known for his charitable spirit. It wasn’t like his duties ever really varied much. Get the crew there, stay where he was needed, and get them the hell out of there. Not much to it. The way Baby saw it, every job he worked was one closer to freedom, one closer to the day he’d never have to do anything for that man ever again. So he listened. He listened while Flint described how they’d pull up on LeTorneau, the crew— who this time consisted of Checkers, Wilson, Moose, and Angel (whose name was deceptive, she can and would go toe-to-toe with any of the guys on the crew) would go in through the side door, two would stand guard at the hallway, and the others would break into the vault in the manager’s office. Baby’s job was to loop around the block twice— exactly twice, no more, no less— and pick them up once it was all finished. If everything went to plan, it would take exactly five minutes and twenty seconds. And Flint’s jobs always went to plan.

It was a day later, and Baby was slumped over in his car, head in his hands, having just returned from the warehouse and the job at the shipping store. A few stacks of bills were haphazardly stuffed under the passenger’s side seat, his share of the spoils from the day’s activities. With a weighty sigh, he glanced out of the window and recalled what Flint had told him as he handed over the cash.

“This is the last of it,” he had said, still keeping half a hand on the stack of hundreds.

Baby’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Flint withdrew his hand. “What I mean,” he said, somewhat exasperated, “is that this is it. You’ve paid it back. You’re all squared up.” And just like that, he walked away, leaving Baby with a million questions and exactly zero answers.

So needless to say, it was all more than a little overwhelming. It was the first time in over five years that he was truly free from Flint’s grasp, that he was no longer under his thumb. It was incredible, it was liberating, and it was a feeling that Baby never wanted to forget. But it left him with a strange sense of emptiness. It wasn’t a life that he had ever wanted, and certainly not one that he would have chosen for himself, so in truth he was just overcome with a pervasive sense of confusion. What was he going to do now? What was he supposed to do now? It’s not like he really had any relevant job experience, and he was pretty sure that “Getaway Driver— did lots of illegal and ethically questionable stuff” wasn’t a good resumé builder. But he could finally work on his music, finally try to get some demos done and songs written without the looming threat of Flint’s next call hanging over his head. Baby clicked in his seatbelt, shoved the car into gear, and got the hell out of whatever parking lot he had pulled into.

On the elevator ride up to his and James’ apartment, Baby commenced with his semi-regular rationalization of his behaviors. It obviously wasn’t a shocker that he didn’t want to be doing what, until recently, had essentially been his job. Every time he was sent out with whatever motley-crue cast of characters Flint had rustled up, he had to remind himself that he wasn’t doing this because he wanted to. He was doing it to survive. Baby had become something of an expert at compartmentalizing, somehow able to shut off the part of his life that was filled with making James sandwiches and writing music and getting lunch from pretty waitresses from the one consisting of guns and breaking dozens of laws and secret meetings in dark warehouses. It wasn’t something he was proud of— one of the most poignant memories he had of his mother was when she drilled into him the importance of always being himself and always being truthful to others— but it was something he had to do, or he wasn’t sure how he could function. As he closed the front door behind him, James turned his head towards him. Must have seen my shadow, Baby thought.

Aren’t you early? James asked.

Baby sighed, leaning down to the loose floorboard and throwing the last of the money under. They said I’m done.

Done as in?

Done. Baby said, nodding his head for emphasis. I don’t have to work for them anymore.

What are you going to do now?

He shrugged, noticing an empty cup for Rooster in the recycling can. Music. Try to get a job. Try to be normal.

---------

The next day, Baby woke up bright and early, walking to the library to print out a few copies of his resumé. It now said “Private Driver” and emphasized his people skills (which were, in actuality, pretty minimal). He figured that was probably a good move. After dropping it off at a few different places, he stopped back by Fran’s. Now that he was off of the crew, maybe he could finally get her name.

Baby slid into a booth, grimacing when he realized that he didn’t even know if she was working that day. And he didn’t even have her name to ask. He fiddled with his phone for a moment before a voice interrupted him.

“Back again?” It was her. Baby nervously sat up in his chair, running his hand through his hair. His eyes immediately flitted to her breast pocket, where a bright, shiny silver nametag was pinned. Rhiannon.

“Yep, you know me. Baby. Not like I expect you to remember me, you’ve probably got dozens of customers every shift, I just thought—”

She cut him off with a laugh, a sound that Baby was pretty sure had just become his favorite thing in the world. “Hey, hey, Baby. You’re fine. Don’t sweat it, okay? I remember you, and not just because of your name.” He blushed, dipping his head and pretending to be looking at the menu. “So are you off from work?”

He tilted his hand from side-to-side. In a manner of speaking. “You could say that. I don’t work for the same people anymore, found out that the career,” he paused for a moment, “wasn’t for me.”

She scrunched her nose. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. Seriously. It wasn’t a great place to work, moreso one of those places where it just seems impossible to quit, you know?”

“Only too well, tell me about it,” she said, huffing slightly. “So what can I get you this time?”

“What’s best?”

She cocked a gentle smile. “Why don’t I show you?”

Rhiannon wasn’t sure if it was party of Baby’s strategy, but he always managed to come in right after the lunch rush had left and before the dinner crowd made their way in. Not like she was complaining, she had been borderline enamored with the gorgeous boy with the strange name since he wandered in a week or so ago. It was a stroke of luck that they had met in the first place, and let alone run into each other twice; Rhi only picked up a few shifts a week, the rest of her time was generally taken up with her studies. She was a psychology student at University of Toronto, with far-fetched dreams of becoming a trauma therapist. Far-fetched because success didn’t come to girls like her. She was from a small town in Saskatchewan, about thirty minutes outside of Regina, and she hadn’t even been out of her province until high school. Far-fetched because she had been raised by a single mother after her father had died in a construction accident when she was seven. Her mother did her best, balancing a full-time job at the only bank in town with raising her daughter, but there were things that slipped through the cracks. Far-fetched because out of her graduating class of 96, less than half went to college, and only a handful left the province to do so. Two to University of British Columbia, one to a college in California, one to McGill, and two to Toronto. Noel and Rhiannon has been close enough in high school— having a total school population of under 500 necessitated that— but had held onto each other as a sort of lifeline since leaving the lackluster and snowy confines of Lumsden, Saskatchewan. The two were thick as thieves since arriving in Toronto, living together their second year and into the third. Far-fetched because while her mother paid for what fees she was able and she received some financial aid from the school, there was still a gap that she had to make up. So she worked, she found a job that would give her a change, she came with a plastered smile three shifts a week and remained pleasant and apologetic to customers who couldn’t be ruder if they tried. Baby’s presence was a more-than-welcome distraction from the usual sorts of folks she’d get in the afternoon. Fifteen minutes later, she slid a toasted sandwich in front of him, piled high with Swiss cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, mixed greens, and what she was pretty sure was three separate types of meats. “People seem to like this one,” she said with a smile.

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” Baby said.

As much as she hated to leave him, Rhi still had other customers to keep an eye on, though in between trips to and from the kitchen window she checked her watch, praying that Baby would stick around for the thirty minutes until the end of her shift. Which he did. What she hadn’t caught was the fact that he had finished his sandwich ten minutes ago, but decided to wait for her, banking on the fact that her shift would finish at the top of the hour. He finally finished the last crumbs, leaving a twenty on the table, and catching her just as she emerged from the back after changing into her street clothes. “Hey, uh, Rhiannon?” He asked.

“Mm?”

“I was just wondering, if you, you know, have plans for the rest of the day? Totally get it if you do, just thought I’d ask.”

Rhiannon cut him off quickly. Too quickly, maybe? She wasn’t sure, but she didn’t want to be rude. “I don’t have anything planned, really. Have to do some grocery shopping, but that’s pretty much it. Do you want to maybe come along?” She asked hesitantly. Why would someone want to come along for her errands? She certainly wasn’t an expert on human behavior, but was nevertheless pretty confident that putting flour into a bag at a Metro was nobody’s idea of a great weekend.

“That actually sounds great,” Shawn responded.

An hour and a half and five bags of groceries later, Baby and Rhiannon sat in the front of her eight-year-old Honda, breaking into the carton of blueberries that they bought. They hadn’t moved in twenty minutes, and for exactly nineteen of those minutes, all Shawn had been thinking of was how much he wanted to kiss her, but there was no way she could catch on, there was no way he’d let her. Frank Sinatra played softly in the background — Rhiannon was a big oldies fan, he had learned — and the mischievous grin she had while trying to throw a blueberry into his mouth wasn’t helping the situation.

She stopped a minute later, closing the container and reaching around to place it back in one of the many bags. She was looking at him, and Shawn couldn’t quite place her expression. “What’s on your mind, Rhi?” He asked, reaching out and tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear.

“Tell me something about you that I don’t know. Something you wish I did. I know that you live with your foster dad, I know your folks aren’t around anymore, I know you’re a ‘driver,’” she said, adding air quotes, “but I know there’s something else. Something more.”

Shawn swallowed hard, leaning forward almost imperceptibly. “You want to know something, Rhiannon?”

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing I want more in this moment than to kiss you.”

Her breath hitched. “Then what’s stopping you?”

#shawn mendes #shawn imagine #shawn mendes imagines #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes smut #sm

10 notes · View notes

rainywritingsx · 5 years

Text

Torn • BNHA X OC • Chapter 1

You can find the prologue here. I thought posting the first chapter would be fun too and I’m thinking of updating the fanfiction weekly if people really like it. Please let me know what you think! Leave a like or reblog if you enjoyed it please. I think that’s it, enjoy reading and I hope you have a wonderful day!!

xxx admin rainbow

Words: 1622

“I don’t think you realise how dangerous you could be.” My twin brother smirked as we made our way to school.

"Seventy percent of the human body consist of water, and you have the ability to control any fluid in the universe! You can basically make the whole world your slaves if you train your quirk enough." I sighed softly, not feeling the need to reply to his boring words that I'd probably heard a million times already. I was born with this power, did he think I wouldn't have figured that out after fourteen years?

I mean how couldn't I, when my father, despite my mother's protests, had been training me since I was four up until this year, because according to him training at school would be enough.

"Mom and dad will be so proud when you can finally go into the field too, Janie." He said, his voice dripping with pride and

excitement for my future. I, however, wasn't as interested in that, I must say. But I didn't say that out loud of course, due to the fact that I know that's not what he'd like to hear and I wasn't in the mood to argue with him right now. Not like I ever was in the mood to do that.

You see, unlike my younger siblings, I had the big responsibility which would be given to me as soon as I became the new leader of the so-called 'villain world', which would most likely happen as soon as my parents decided to stop - that would take a while considering they found their job absolutely lovely. Any villain would've been stoked for something like this, but me? I despised it from the day I was born.

Yes, there was a very small proportion of 'villains' that actually had some rational ideals, like them not agreeing with some situations though they were seen as 'right'. For example: Stain, the hero killer, didn't have the worst ideas in my opinion. He didn't agree with the fact that some heroes didn't become heroes with the intent of helping people. All they wanted was fame and glory. He decided to kill anyone he deemed unworthy of being a hero and kept the worthy ones alive. So, yes, his way of handling them was a completely different case but he had some decent morals.

However, the majority of this community was filled with people who just wanted to inflict pain on others, see their terrified faces before taking away possessions or sometimes even their lives. I did not want to associate myself with people like that.

And those were the exact kind of villains my parents were. As parents, they were just normal people but everyone knew both went ballistic during fights against heroes. There were some stories of heroes who could still hear my mother's psychotic laugh as she killed their allies. My dad would always look his victims right in the eye as he did whatever he wanted to do. I can't even imagine the amount of sins that they must've committed.

They expected me to be at least as crazy as them when I took over, but I wasn't even planning on becoming a villain at all. Even if some villains had ideas that seemed okay, it didn't make up for their actions. I wanted to become a hero and whether I'd become famous or not didn't matter to me. Helping people was all I wanted to do. However, we should put the emphasis on "wanted". I couldn't become a hero, my whole family would consider me absolutely insane.

We entered the school and parted our ways since we had different classes until lunch break. I never minded that, to be completely honest. We weren't the type of siblings that couldn't live without each other. I didn't have that relationship with any of my siblings. (I've got three younger brothers, I'm thirteen minutes older than my twin brother so yes I'd consider myself older, the others are twelve and ten.) Sure, we all cared about each other but we didn't have the tight bond some siblings do have. I thought that that was partly due to my parents, who never really let us do things together to get closer to each other. It was only when we got older that we started doing some things together. Maybe it was also due to our ideals being different but of course he didn't know that.

As for my two other younger siblings, they were a lot closer to each other so there never really was a need for them to have this really tight bond with my brother and I. Those two were completely fine as a duo.

I entered the classroom, not saying a word as I walked over to my seat. I also never really bonded with my class either. It didn't have to do with what I though, but more because of the fact that I was the daughter of the two most notorious villains ever. Nobody would ever talk to me and I had the tendency to be quite shy at first, so I never took the first step either.

"Alright everyone! Please open your books, classes will start now!" Our English and homeroom teacher, miss Deceit said with a bright smile on her face in the same annoyingly high tone she always used. "Today's lesson will be really exciting!" Maybe her name gave it away already, but she was a teacher who was great at creating illusions. After training for years and years, she could make someone's biggest fear and taunt people with those images. And people tend to do strange things when they're absolutely terrified... Sometimes a slightly less deathly version of that is used as a punishment for students, but only in very extreme cases. Now that she had reached an older age, she mostly used her quirk to make classes more fun than they actually are and the majority falls for it, but my parents taught me how to deal with quirks like that so it almost became like a reflex that I saw right through it.

And if you were wondering how on earth some of these villains were able to even set a foot in the outside world, there were two answers: serving in jail and fake identities. Some villains were able to get away with certain crimes and that way they got a shorter sentence, so after they served in jail they could just return to society. Other villains made fake identities and at my school they never turned people to the police. 'Villain code' is what they call it. You help other villains when they need it but you never ever call the cops on them.

The day seemed to last forever, but after villain training I could finally go home. I almost ran out of class, not wanting to spend another second with these people. My brother finished early today and went away to hang out with some of his friends, so I was on my own. It wasn't like I missed much though, no offence to him.

I frowned when I noticed a big sign set on the usual path I took to my home. It said that work was being done on the road, which meant I had to take a different road, a longer one sadly. I sighed quietly and then continued walking again. Before I could think my feet stopped on their own, making me almost fall in surprise. I looked up and gasped when I noticed it.

UA high.

The school I had admired since I was a small child, because that was the school where heroes were made. If you wanted to become a hero, you knew you just had to attend UA.

My eyes became wide when I noticed huge banners hanging. Today, and only today, they would let potential new students in and take a look in the building, like classrooms etc so they could see what to expect. I tilted my head in slight confusion. Why was this done though? UA wasn't a very open school at all, barely letting any students in. I wasn't complaining though..

Then a thought struck me. Wouldn't it be strange if I came home late? I usually got home at the same time every day so it would seem odd... But then again, I was usually the first in my family to arrive since my parents' "working hours" varied and my siblings usually hung out in places after school. I'd just go to look at the school and find an excuse later.

My excitement grew with each step I took, realising I was getting closer to the school I could only dream of even seeing. The school was huge and from the start the whole atmosphere was just completely different from what I was used to in my school. It felt like one community, whereas my school was just a mix of small groups who didn't really bother to talk to other people, let alone make other friends. Maybe I could actually make some friends here...if I was even able to attend the school at all. My parents wouldn't ever approve of this in a million years of course.

Okay, I'd just take a look. Nothing more or less. Looking wasn't a bad thing for sure so why was I worried about them not approving of it? I wouldn't attend the school anyway, nope. It was totally fine, I'd be there for a few minutes and then gone before anyone could notice. Yes. I'd do that.

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakugo #katsuki bakugou #midoriya #midoriya izuku #todoroki #todoroki shouto #bnha #mha #bnha fanfiction #fanfiction #anime fanfiction #bnha x oc #dabi x oc #todoroki x oc #mha fanfiction #Torn

8 notes · View notes

noodlecupcakeswritings · 5 years

Text

Just One Bad Day - Chapter 19 (JeremiahxOC)

Warnings: Smut, Sex, Couch sex, Comfort, Manipulation, Language, Daddy kink (but not for Jeremiah),

Thank you to all those who read, left comments, kudos, reblogs. I hope you enjoyed the third part of the series. The fourth and final part of Emeralds story will be out soon (likely once Gotham has its last episode)

Let me know if you would like to be added to the taglist. If you liked what you read please leave some kudos or maybe a reblog or comment. Consider hitting the follow button too for more content.

Chapter 19

Emerald’s P.O.V

Jeremiah led me to a house I was unfamiliar with, somewhere we could lay low if need be. I felt responsible for what had happened, if I hadn't gotten myself kidnaped then we'd still have the core relay and this city would still have six hours to evacuate. Jeremiah sat me down on the couch before checking me over for any wounds. He didn't need to do that, I was fine. They hadn't hurt me at all. “I’m sorry,” I spoke softly. “No need to apologize, none of this was your fault,” he reassured.

“But the core relay?” “I didn't need it. If I could only take one thing alive from there it had to be you.” Jeremiah sat with me on the couch, his hand on my knee. “The core relay was never as important as you,” he continued. I felt myself blushing, he really could say the sweetest things. I placed my hand over his. “I still feel to blame, now you've had to change things all because I was careless,” I sighed.

Jeremiah pulled me on to his lap so that I was straddling him, his arms around my waist. “You did nothing wrong. I was so scared they'd hurt you,” he said softly. “Barbara wouldn't do that.” “But she'd kidnap you? Use you against me, try to turn you away from me? What friend does that?” I shrugged, avoiding his gaze. That wasn't a question I really wanted to answer. He tilted my chin, so I would meet his gaze. “Shes not your friend. She was just using you because that’s what she's good at. It's my job to protect you from people like that,” he explained.

“They only see me as Jerome but we both know I’m nothing like him. I would never hurt you,” he continued. “I know you wouldn’t.” He smiled softly and pulled me into a kiss. I returned the kiss, tangling my fingers in his hair. He nipped at my bottom lip, earning a soft sound from me. The kisses became more heated between us, both of us clinging to each other. It was as if he was scared to let me go. His lips moved down to my neck, kissing and nipping at the skin there. Jeremiah pulled my shirt off, throwing it to the floor. His lips continued kissing every bit of skin that he could reach. I arched against him, my breathing noticeably heavier.

He reached round and unclasped my bra, pulling it off me. I shifted a little so that I could easily get my jeans off as well as my panties. I climbed back onto his lap, my hands pulling open his belt. He kissed me hard, his fingers in my hair. I moaned into the kiss, loosening his suit pants before finally pulling his cock free. Jeremiah had one hand on my hip whilst he positioned himself at my entrance with the other. I slowly sank down on to him, my forehead pressed against his. We both moaned at the feeling before I started a fast pace, my hands on his shoulders for leverage. His hips bucked against mine, gripping my hips as he started his own pace.

Every rock of his hips against mine had me moaning and clinging to him. Jeremiah kissed his way down my neck and chest, pausing every now and then to nip at my flesh. He left a few purple and red marks across my body. His nails dug into my hips hard enough that I was sure to have bruises, not that I cared. It’s like we couldn’t get enough of each other. I needed all of him at once. We kept this up for what felt like hours but was likely only minutes. But everything just felt so right, so perfect. Like we were both so perfectly in tune with each other.

His pace got harder and he reached between us to find my clit. I whined, arching against him. My orgasm hit me like a tonne of bricks, forcing me to cry out his name. He reached his own a few moments later, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of my hips as he cursed. We sat there for a few moments, coming down from our highs. I leaned down to kiss him once more. Both of us still seemed eager for more. Jeremiah picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, ready for round two.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jeremiah's plan had gone off without another hitch. The bridges were blown, the city was ours. Part of me was still in disbelief, he’d actually done it. Jerome never would have been able to pull something off like this. Jeremiah was happy and already planning his next scheme. It would only be a matter of time before the criminals in this city overthrew the GCPD. Without the help of the mainland things like food and ammo were going to be rationed. Not that Jeremiah was worried about that. We had a high supply of both and we could easily get more.

I heard movement down in the kitchen and forced myself out of the warm comfort of the bed, making sure to not wake Jeremiah. I could take care of a simple thief without waking him up. I’m surprised Ecco wasn’t already dealing with it, she was always so eager to please him. I took Jerome’s switchblade from its hiding place and crept downstairs. There was light coming from the kitchen and the sound of someone looking through the fridge. Someone was already trying to steal our food? I entered the kitchen to find someone with their head in the fridge as expected. A man…but not just any man. Oh god, I had to be dreaming.

“Where’s the pickles in this place doll face?” Jerome asked. “You’re not here, your dead and I’m dreaming.” “Well duh, there's no way my little brother would let me come back from the dead this time around.” He finally turned to look at me, closing the door to the fridge with a jar of pickles in his hand. I needed to wake myself up, this was not a dream I wanted to have. This would quickly turn into a nightmare and I was done having those. He sat down at the kitchen table, opening the jar and fishing a pickle out as if him being here was the most normal thing in the world.

“Sit down then. We have things to talk about,” Jerome insisted. It was my dream and because I knew I was dreaming I wouldn’t allow him to hurt me. I indulged him and sat down opposite him, placing the switchblade on the table. “Nice to see you kept a little piece of me with you,” he smiled softly, “does he know?” “Jeremiah? No.” Jerome grinned, laughing aloud, “your already keeping secrets from him. Meaning you don’t trust him.” “I do! Of course, I do. He treats me better than you ever did,” I shot back. He sighed, seemingly saddened by my words, but not…angry like I would have expected.

“I know. I was an asshole to you. And look where it got me. In a fucking ditch and now your fucking my twin. Karmas a bitch,” he sounded sincere. This was taking me completely off guard. I’d half expected him to try and squeeze the life from me already. “I won’t be coming back from this one doll face, think you can live without me this time?” Jerome continued. “You left me with your twin, I think I can handle it. Like you said karma's a bitch.” He laughed again. I smiled, finding myself giggling. This was nice, it felt like we were our old selves. When we had first started dating and both trying to figure each other out. I felt content with him for the first time in forever.

“I see what game your playing with him. He looks like me before my face got fucked up, it helps you cope with the loss doesn’t it?” “Since when did you become a psychiatrist?” “When you spend enough time around crazies you pick up patterns and behaviours. And I know you better than the back of my hand.” My smile grew, this was true. Jerome knew me better than anyone else. He knew that I was only with Jeremiah because he reminded me of how Jerome was once. And I mean they were twins, that helped a lot. Jerome took my hand in his.

“Did you plan on leaving me with him? Thinking about it now it seems kinda convenient you leave me with your twin before dying,” I asked. “As in I wanted him to take care of you? No. You’re my girl. Always have, always will be. He doesn’t know how the fuck to handle someone like you, especially when you wake the fuck up. He underestimates you, he thinks your weak and fragile, someone that’s easily shaped and moulded. But we both know better. Your both playing your own little games with each other. The sooner you get over me the better, then you’ll leave him. Wont you?” I wasn’t sure. I had never been able to imagine my life without Jerome. Yet I had done it before. I could easily do it again. Maybe I just didn’t want to let go. And Jeremiah was my way of holding on.

Jerome’s grip on my hand tightened a little as if he wanted to me realize how serious he was being. “Promise me doll face, promise me you’ll move on. He isn’t me, he never will be me,” Jerome spoke. “The last time I moved on you pushed me out of a window.” “I have a mean jealous streak okay. But I’m not coming back again. So, you need to move on. The sooner the better.” “But I love you. God, I know we weren’t good for each other, but I fucking love you. I can’t just stop.” “That’s not what I asked. You’ve done it once, you can do it again. You have to. He doesn’t give a shit about you, once he gets bored he’ll drop you like a toy.”

I sighed, Jerome wouldn’t really say any of this if he really was here. Dream Jerome was not the real Jerome. But why would he say this stuff when this was clearly a manifestation of my thoughts, of my doubts? Fuck, I really was having doubts. But Jeremiah had been nothing but sweet, kind and patient with me. Jerome sighed, sensing my inner turmoil. “Fine, at least promise me you’ll be careful, for the time being,” Jerome bargained. I leaned over the table, kissing him softly, “for you daddy? You know I’ll do anything.”

#jeremiah valeska #jeremiahxoc #jeremiah valeska fic #jeremiah valeska fanfic #jeremiah valeska fanfiction #jeremiah valeska feels #jeremiah valeska fluff #jeremiah valeska smut #jeremiah valeska angst #gotham #gotham fic #gotham fanfic #gotham fanfiction #gotham smut #gotham feels #gotham fluff #gotham angst

28 notes · View notes

watchmegetobsessed · 5 years

Text

Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 4

soooo thankful for the likes and reblogs and COMMENTS ( i love reading your opinion!) in blown away the first three parts are already so popular and the notes are just comin and coming so... keep em comin! haha here is part 4, enjoy, let me know what you think!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Something has changed after that party in the penthouse. I guess the bathroom incident had a deep impact on Shawn and his view of my life and job, because for the rest of the week we listened to country music every day on our way to different events. Dinners, brunches, friendly meetups with crew members or just simply strolling through the city. Before all of these we listened to his music and I never saw Grumpy Shawn again.

Well, this is not entirely true. I saw him in his grumpy mood, but his way of approaching me in those times changed. I wasn’t a stupid slut anymore, I felt like an equal partner and this is all I wanted. To be treated like a normal human being.

On Thursday we officially stepped up into the stage where we hold each other’s hand on the street, so obviously the media was blown. Not because of us walking hand in hand, but because we were getting official and they still knew exactly nothing about me. Not even my name and I feel like a super cool undercover agent.

All together, I finally started enjoying work, cause it doesn’t feel like I’m working, it’s like I’m just casually hanging out with a friend. But don’t fear, I’m still keeping my distance keeping my name and real address to myself and it’s not going to change for sure.

“Can you stop shaking your leg?” Shawn asks chuckling as he stuffs another fry into his mouth. I just roll my eyes at him smiling happily.

“I can’t, I’m too excited. I’m seeing Justin Timberlake perform tonight!”

“I know, I bought the tickets.”

“Haha. You know, it’s not an everyday thing for me to see my childhood favorite perform.” I steal a fry from his plate and dip it into ketchup.

“I thought you are not interested in celebrities and the media.”

“I’m not, but I was when I was fifteen,” I shrug my shoulder.

I see him smile at me shaking his head as he turns his face to the side, but his smile slowly fades away and I know he is about to share something with me, he is just trying to phrase it.

“Um, there might be a chance that we meet someone tonight.”

I stop eating, because it sounds like something that’s important to him and I want to give him all my attention.

“Who would that be?”

“Camila,” he quietly says and then quickly adds: “Camila Cabello.”

“Your friend, right?”

He has mentioned Camila before and from what I heard they must have been best friends for a long time, but they don’t see each other that often anymore. He never told me about his feelings about their relationship, but if I had to take a guess he had feelings for her… Or still has? Not sure about that.

“Yes. We talked about the concert, she said she might come with her boyfriend.”

At the mentioning of the boyfriend I see the slightest sign of disgust and anger in his eyes, but it disappears pretty fast. I can tell it matter to him a lot, so my task is to make it easier for him and just be there when he needs me.

“Then, I guess it’ll be a double date!” I say with a grin on my face, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah, I guess.” He chuckles softly and I hope he is not too nervous about tonight.

As a part two of today’s date we grab a coffee before heading to the concert, it’s a tea for me, because I’m more of a tea person. The traffic is heavy, but it was expected, everyone is interested in Justin! We are at a red light when I grab my compact mirror and check myself, just to make sure I haven’t turn into a panda just yet.

“What are you doing?” he asks as I’m moving around the mirror, trying to find some light.

“Just making sure your girlfriend looks presentable,” I click my tongue as a car’s headlight aims at us for a few moments and I immediately use the opportunity. My makeup is still good, so I close the mirror and slide it back into my purse.

“You don’t need to check, you always look pretty.”

I stop mid-movement and turn to him smiling and I raise my eyebrows at him.

“Oh, was this a compliment?”

“I guess?” he lets out an awkward chuckle and I imagine his cheeks turning pink, though I can’t see it in the dark and I’ve never seen him blush, I still like the image.

“Well thank you then. It’s nice to know you are satisfied with my look,” I add jokingly.

“I never told you otherwise.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t exactly say it. You just told me my job is to look pretty, how do I know I succeeded?”

I’m totally just joking with this comment, but he gets suspiciously quiet and doesn’t laugh with me, so I glance at him and see that his expressions are quite serious.

“Hey, I was just joking.”

“I know, but… That doesn’t mean I wasn’t an asshole when I said that.”

I can’t reply to that, because it’s true. He was an asshole and I’m not gonna deny it, I hate covering things up.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted, I was just… very concerned about Andrew’s plan.” He sighs as we hit another red light and he turns to me. “I didn’t mean it, I’ve just been very jumpy lately, and the fact that I had to hire an escort to help myself out just…”

“It was a kick to your ego,” I finish for him and he nods.

“Pretty much.”

“Look, I’m not here because you are unable to maintain a normal relationship or because you are a disaster when it comes to dating. I’m mostly here because I can’t be found, I’m not losing anything by becoming a target for a month and this way you’ll be able to finally move on from your failed relationships. And by the way those are totally normal, don’t think you are the only one who gets dumped, you just have to go through it publicly. So don’t feel bad about yourself.”

I can tell my small pep talk helped him, because a wide smile appears on his handsome face as the light turns green and we continue our drive and it makes me feel so much better than we cleared everything up. I wish it didn’t take almost an entire week to do this, but whatever.

For me, attending a concert means crowd, waiting in line and then some waiting in the crowd. I haven’t been to many shows, one, because they are expensive as hell and two… well, I guess it’s just the money. But I should have expected my experience with Shawn would be a whole different one. We go straight to the backstage, Shawn parks the car down and two security guards are already waiting for us, no surprise. At the entrance we get passes with a photo and our name on it. Taking a look at it I see that this is the photo clients get when they get my short info, but it also catches my eyes that my real name is on the pass.

“I’m sorry, they didn’t let us use your fake name,” he whispers as he sees me staring at the pass. I take a look at the center where Naya Duvall is spelled in big blue letters.

“It’s fine. I know the security is strict.” I give him a small smile, but I hide the pass under my hoodie so no one can spot my name. The last thing I need is to have my name out in the public, that would destroy everything. Not just the plan but my whole life.

Shawn reaches for my hand and we lace our fingers together, it’s a natural act by now, but it somehow relaxes me. My anxiety I sometimes get from the crowd and the attention gets easier when I feel his hand holding mine. God, I sound like a teenage girl!

I check the time, we still have like half an hour before the show starts, I’m starting to get really excited and I just want to take our seats finally, but Shawn doesn’t seem to be interested in it just yet.

“I swear, if we miss the first song, I’ll murder you,” I tell him with a serious face, but he just laughs at me.

“Okay, we can leave and take our seats, but then you miss the surprise.” He has a mysterious smile on his face and I don’t really understand what he is talking about.

“Surprise? What surprise?” I ask getting nervous. I hope he didn’t buy me jewelry or something, that would ruin the friendly atmosphere between us and I don’t want that.

He pulls his phone out and the grin on his face just grows bigger before looking back at me.

“Since you’ve been fangirling in the last two days about tonight, I thought I would give you the best experience ever.”

“What are yo-“ I start, but then someone grabs my shoulder and turns me a bit and then I see… I see Justin Timberlake standing right in front of me, in all of his glory and my teenage self would have already peed herself right at this moment. “What the fuck!” I gasp as I shift my gaze back and force between Shawn and Justin.

“Hi Fleur, nice to meet you,” Justin chuckles ignoring my horrible language and he pulls me into a hug that I return more than happily.

“It’s nice to meet you too! I can’t believe I’m finally meeting the man I was in love for so long!”

“Only was?” he gasps pretending to be hurt as we let go of each other and I just shake my head laughing.

“I mean, you are married, I’m grown… I had to let go at one point.”

“Very rational. She is a keeper, man,” he says as he highfives with Shawn and I step back next to my fake boyfriend, because he just made me the happiest girl on the Earth, work or no work.

“I know, right?”

“Do you want to take a picture? I’m sorry, I don’t have much time though I would love to talk with you guys, but it’s just a chaos sometime,” he excuses himself and I already have my phone out, handing it to a guard as I stand next to Justin while I quickly fix my hair. Just before the picture is taken I see that Shawn is standing at the side.

“Hey, come here,” I ask him and his eyebrows raise.

“Me? Oh no, it’s your photo.”

“Yes, and I want the man who made it happen in it.”

I hold my arm out and after a few seconds of hesitation he finally gives in and stands on my other side, putting his arm on my waist. For a moment I think about that two of the most handsome men are holding me right now, and this brings the widest smile to my face as I look into the camera.

“Thank you, I hope you’ll enjoy the concert guys,” Justin hugs me again as he is about to run and do his duty.

“Thank you! Good luck on stage!” I smile at him, watch the guys shake hands and he is already gone.

I turn around and basically throw myself on Shawn hugging his neck so tight for a moment I think I’m suffocating him, but I just can’t hold myself back. He just brought Justin Timberlake out to meet me, and right now Shawn Mendes is my favorite person in the world.

“Thank you so much!” I squeak in his ear as he wraps his arms around me chuckling.

“It was nothing, no problem.”

“It was everything! Thank you so so so much!”

I finally let go of him and as I lean back our faces get extremely close for a moment. I freeze and the thought of kissing him crosses my mind, but as fast as it comes, it leaves immediately and I tell myself I’m stupid and I should pull my shit together. I only feel this way because the guy just brought Justin Timberlake to me and I feel like I have to thank him in a different way.

And the saddest part is that getting physical is the first thing that comes to my mind…

We stand there for a few short seconds before I lean back and turn my head totally breaking the moment and making it even a bit awkward.

“Um, so… Can we go to our seats now?” I ask to somehow cover up the awkwardness of the situation. He scratches the back of his neck nodding.

“Sure, let’s go.”

Can’t help but feel awkward following our movie like moment with our faces almost touching and I just want something happen to make us forget about it. Well, maybe next I’ll be more careful about what I wish…

A guard walks us out of the bactstage to the sector that is, as he said, private, so basically Justin’s guests and other celebrities can have these seats. As we approach this area I totally forget about what we talked about earlier, meeting Camila. So I’m truly surprised when I hear a woman basically scream Shawn’s name and someone throws themselves on him, almost winding me off of my feet too.

“Hey, Camila,” Shawn chuckles hugging the girl tight as I stand behind them, feeling like a total outsider. I look over their shoulders and see a tall, blue eyed man standing there just as awkward as me. He must be the boyfriend.

“I’m so happy you are here, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages!” She leans back holding onto Shawn’s shoulders. I’m also much shorter than him, but Camila looks so small next to him. To be honest, most people look small next to Shawn and his amazing height.

“Yeah, I guess we both are busy,” he chuckles shrugging his shoulder.

“Sure, but I see you’ve been busier this week!” Her eyes shift to me and suddenly I’m in the middle of her attention. “Strolling around the city with your new lady and you haven’t even mentioned her to me! Hey!” She basically pushes Shawn to the side and stands in front of me holding her hand out that I nicely take. “I’m Camila.”

“Fleur,” I smile at her and I think the handshake is all, but she pulls me into a hug too.

“Beautiful name for a gorgeous girl! Fleur, this is my boyfriend, Matthew.”

I shake hands with the tall guy, still smiling and after the first round of introductions we finally take our seats. I’m sitting next to Shawn, then Camila and on the other end Matthew.

“We almost had to cancel, but Matthew moved his meeting so we could come and I’m so happy, because it’s a double date now!” She genuinely seems happy to see us, but it’s a bit too much for me.

And looking at Shawn he also feels uncomfortable, probably because he is on a double date with the girl he had or has feelings for, her boyfriend, and his own fake girlfriend. Not the dreamiest scenario one would wish for.

He looks tensed, he is holding onto the armrest of the seat and is avoiding eye-contact with Camila as much as possible. I’m surprised she hasn’t noticed it, he changed so fast from the moment we met them, even I can tell the difference.

I put a hand on the hand he has on the armrest between us and lace our fingers together. For anyone it must look like a romantic gesture, just a small couple thing, but for me it means that I’m letting him know he is not here alone and I’m supporting him no matter what. This is not really part of my life, maybe I will never see Camila and Matthew again ever, so if he wants to flip a table, I’m here for it. If he wants to make them think we are disgustingly in love, go for it. If he decides to leave right now I wouldn’t hold a grudge. Okay, that’s not true, I want to see Justin perform at least two songs. But you get the point. The choice is his.

He smiles at me thankfully as he pulls our hands to his lap and covers mine with his other one. I lean closer and now we definitely look like a real couple. Camila notices it too.

“You guys look so cute together! How did you meet?”

We freeze.

It has never been discussed, because we were never really supposed to give any info out about us, so we exchange a look and I see the fear in his eyes, he has no idea what to do.

“We met at… at an art gallery,” I suddenly say and now this is the story we have to go with, I guess.

“And art gallery,” Shawn repeats it, almost like savoring the sound of it.

“Yeah,” I nod. “He and Andrew were there, just wandering around and I happened to check it out the same time with my friend. We stood next to each other at one of the paintings and discussed our opinions. Then he…”

“I asked her out for coffee,” he adds jumping in on the fake story and we smile at each other knowingly. “But she told me that she is more like a tea person. So we ended up drinking green tea,” I can’t help but smile at the fact that he remembered this tiny detail. “We talked and talked and then I saved her from a creep on our way home.”

“Yes you did,” I chuckle and no one knows we are talking about the bathroom incident.

“And I asked for your number and called you immediately for a second date.”

“And I said yes.”

“The rest is history,” he adds almost whispering and I’m starting to get lost in his eyes. This is not the worst fake story, so I’m satisfied with it, I wish this was our real story…

“This is so sweet!”

We break eye-contact hearing Camila’s voice and kind of come back to reality. I shake my head lightly to clear my thoughts. I zoned out on Shawn for the second time tonight, I really should pull my shit together.

“I’m so happy for you guys and I love that you are the mystery girl for everyone. How do you do this? I mean, staying this low-key.”

“I don’t use social media. I don’t really use internet,” I add shrugging and I watch her eyes go wide for a moment. I know, it’s crazy!

“Wow, you are… the coolest person I know. Shawn, keep her.” She pats him on the back and he just chuckles, giving my hand a squeeze.

The concert is… everything I dreamed of. I’m all over the place by the end. I shout, I scream, I chant, I sing and have the time of my life, while Shawn next to me seems amused by how wild I go over Justin. I can’t sit on my ass, I basically jump up the moment he comes on stage and I pull Shawn with me who starts dancing with me, but in a more subtle way.

“I’m not a big dancer,” he shouts into my ear as I’m jumping up and down and pull on his arm to move with me.

“What?” I ask, but I think he could only read it from my mouth over the music. “Come on, you are a musician!”

“I know, but dancing is just not my cup of tea,” he shrugs his shoulder and this is when Camila leans over to us.

“True! Tried to get him to dance for years, he refuses to do more than just moving his shoulders around and stepping from left to right.”

“I’m just not great at dancing!” Shawn exclaims throwing his hands in the air with an awkward smile.

The lights are dancing on his face as he rolls his eyes when Camila just laughs and turns back to his boyfriend shouting to him something. He doesn’t notice, but I see his eyes linger over her with desire as he glances at them shortly. The smile vanishes from his face and then turns his attention back to the stage. The pain in his eyes is just devastating. Must be hard to face the girl you were or still are in love with, especially if you have to witness her happiness with another man.

When the concert is over and the lights come back so I’m not about to get a seizure anymore, I turn to Shawn and the lovey-dovey couple on his right.

“Hey, why don’t we have a late night snack somewhere? This double date is so cool, I would love to hang out with you guys,” Camila offers as Matthew is standing behind her, circling his arms around her tiny figure. I see Shawn getting tensed at the thought of going with them and watching their show for any longer, but I also know that he won’t be able to say no.

Unlike me.

Before he could speak up I step closer to him and take his hand with the sweetest smile on my face.

“I already planned out a surprise for us, I’m sorry. But maybe some other time?” I don’t want to sound rude, because to be honest, Camila didn’t do anything, but I don’t want Shawn to suffer any longer. I had the time of my life tonight, I can’t let him deteriorate in the meanwhile.

He gives me a surprised look, but doesn’t protest against me. Camila seems genuinely sad, but she doesn’t force her will on us accepting that this double date has come to its end now.

“Oh okay. I really hope we meet sometime soon, Fleur.” She hugs me tightly before doing the same with Shawn. Matthew just shakes hand nicely with both of us before we go head to the backstage where they lounge for a while, but we decide it’s better to leave.

A guard walks us out to our car and Shawn turns to me from behind the wheel.

“So, is there really a surprise or you just said that so we didn’t have to spend the rest of the night with them?”

“I do have a surprise. Give me your phone.” I hold out my hand with a proud face. He chuckles, but does as I told him and when I have his phone I type in an address so he knows which way he has to go. I put it into the holder on the dashboard and start the route. “Just follow.”

“Okay?!” He seems confused and was sure I didn’t have anything planned out.

We roll out of the parking lot and pass by a big group of fans, probably waiting for Justin to show up, but then they see Shawn and start screaming as if it was Justin in the car. Shawn waves through the window, but doesn’t stop, just slowly enrolls into the traffic leaving the fans behind.

He reaches for the radio and a smile spreads across my face because one, I know he is about to put on his country music and two, this means his mood is not as bad as I thought it was.

“What?” he asks glancing at me shortly when he sees me smiling.

“Nothing.”

“Why are you so smiley?” he chuckles, his eyes are shifting between me, the phone screen and the road.

“It’s just… I know you are in a good mood when we listen to country music in the car,” I softly say and watch him think about it. I’m sure he hasn’t even noticed, it’s just a habit of his that is totally natural for him, but for me it tells a lot.

“And you don’t like country music?” he asks and I can sense what he really meant by it.

“I like it. I like listening to country music,” I quietly say before turning my head to the window while he turns the music on and we drive through the lively streets of New York.

“So we turned down Camila’s offer to have a late night snack to come all the way to Bronx and… have a late night snack?” Shawn concludes as he turns the car off once we are parked. It’s past midnight and the streets are nothing like the atmosphere was around the stadium. The parking lot is almost empty, there’s only one car in the corner, the street lights aren’t giving enough light to see comfortably, but the small pizzeria’s neon lights are coloring the night, letting the night owls know that Luigi’s is open 0-24.

“No. I ended our awkward double date to come here and show you the place where you can get the best pizza on Earth.”

He shakes his head laughing as we get out of the car. I can’t help but feel weird being here again and especially with Shawn. The last time I walked these streets I was nineteen and in deep trouble. Not that I got rid of all the trouble by now but I’m kind of more in control that I was before.

Shawn doesn’t say a word, he just follows me into the small pizzeria that’s heaven for the young people of the area. It’s a beloved destination after a party filled night or if you have the early shift, nothing is open but you are dying to eat something delicious. Or if you are just roaming the streets deep in thoughts and suddenly feel hungry, but you know there’s no food at home. Luigi is always here for you.

The familiar sound of the small bell above the door greets us as we walk into the lit place, flinching a bit from the sudden light compared to the street. I only see a man eating two slices of margarita pizza at the table next to the window and a tall boy who can’t be older than fifteen is focused on his phone’s screen near the cash register, chewing on a pepperoni pizza. The bell’s sound brings Luigi out from the back and suddenly I feel sixteen again as he smiles at us.

The man barely changed, his almost entirely bald head is shining under the lamps, his mustache is grey bud as proud as ever and his big belly is wrapped in a white apron.

“Welcome, welcome!” he greets us as he steps to the counter that’s full of the most delicious pizza slices. One glimpse and your mouth is already watering up, getting your body ready to get blown away by the taste of Luigi's masterpieces.

“Hi Luigi,” I smile at him stepping to the counter with Shawn right behind me. He is looking around curiously.

“Long time no see. Is everything alright Sweetheart?” he asks.

He doesn’t know my name, or anyone’s in fact, but he remembers the faces. You come here more than three times and Luigi will remember you forever. He calls every girl or woman Sweetheart while all the boys and men are his Brothers.

“Yes. Just brought here a friend to show him the best pizza,” I say glancing at Shawn who has been examining the food in front of him and at the mentioning of him he looks up and smiles at Luigi.

“Good, good. What can I get you?”

“Two slices of the margarita and two from the prosciutto, please.” I barely end my sentence and he is already topping the slices on two plates and hands us them.

“Ten dollars, Sweetheart.”

Shawn immediately reaches for his wallet, but I stop him and hand a ten dollar bill over to Luigi and throwing a few coins into the tip jar earning a thankful smile from Luigi.

“My treat. Come on, grab your plate and let’s sit down,” I tell him with my two slices in my hand as I head to the corner table.

“So, may I ask why you wanted to bring me here?” he asks as we take our seats across from each other.

“I told you, I wanted to show you where you can get the best pizza in Earth.”

“But how do you know about this place?”

“Take a bite first and then I’ll tell you.”

He chuckles taking the margarita in his hand. He eyes the slice for a few seconds before biting into it and I watch him taste Heaven. His eyes widen and looks at that pizza as if he just found his future wife. The proudest smile appears on my face as I lean back in my seat and start eating mine.

“Oh my God. This really is the best I’ve ever tasted.”

“I told you,” I shrug with a grin.

We eat in silence for a few minutes until he finishes the first slice and looks at me.

“So, what’s the story?” I knew he wouldn’t let go of it and I don’t even know why I even brought him here. This is a place from my past, my personal life and I don’t have a second thought when I start talking. I just feel comfortable with sharing it with him.

“I used to come here a lot when I was in high school. My school was ten blocks from here and me and my friends hung out all the time here. And since it’s open 0-24 we often ended up here after a nightout.” Many of my favorite memories from my teenage years happened around here. There’s nothing like hanging out on your usual spot with friends, sharing funny stories and making even more. The worst part was when I was forced to go home and face the reality that my life was.

“You spent a lot of nights out when you were in high school?”

“I guess,” I shrug my shoulder, because I don’t know what is considered much, but I know I spent more time away from home than anyone else I knew. I was always the first one to hit the street and the last one to go home, because I would have rather just wandered around in the middle of the night than to go home. “I didn’t like being home, so I mostly hung out somewhere with my friends or crash at their place. I was pretty much a vagabond, but officially I had a home. But I didn’t look for trouble on purpose may I add.”

“What was the problem with being home?” he asks, but when I look into his eyes he regrets the question. “You don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to.”

“It’s fine,” I smile weakly swallowing the food I was chewing on. “Um, my… I never knew my father and my mom was an alcoholic.”

I’m waiting for the usual “so sorry, must have been hard” talk, but he stays silent and it feels so much better than hearing him pity me.

“You said was,” he speaks up after a while, when he is finished with eating.

“Huh?”

“You said your mom was an alcoholic. What is the past tense for?” He asks and now I understand. He wants to know if she is dead or recovered.

“I haven’t seen her in three years, I don’t know what… she is like now,” I admit and I realize this is the first time I’m talking about my family in two years. The last time was when I just started at the Nook and didn’t cope well with the pressure and the work and broke down in tears to Josie, cried my heart out while she listened. Then she made me a hot-chocolate and told me that the past can’t be changed but you can decide how you want to treat it. I chose to deny it and pretend like it never happened.

I can see the sadness in his eyes at the mention of my poor relationship with my mom and it’s weighting on us heavily as I finish my second slice as well. I regret telling him about my mom as the silence is getting thicker, but then he speaks up and suddenly the weight feels so much lighter.

“I haven’t felt normal in almost two years.” His eyes are playing around with the crust that has fallen off of his pizza, he is moving it around his empty plate.

“What do you mean normal?”

“I’m always on the road, my days are jampacked and by the end of the day I feel numb. I love doing what I do, but I miss just being one person in the crowd and not the person the crowd is here for.”

“Can’t you, I don’t know, take a vacation?” I ask and I’m afraid I said something stupid. I clearly don’t know what it feels like to have all the attention all the time.

“I can’t make people not recognize me.” He sighs looking up at me as he elbows on the table with a sad smile.

We sit there in silence, taking in what was just said and with each passing moment it feels more and more intimate. Somehow through our worries and problems we found a way to connect without a word and at first I don’t even realize what this means. It just feels so refreshing to sit here with him in silence and I forget that I’m still working. It doesn’t feel like a job at this moment, it’s more like two friends sharing some deep secrets in the middle of the night over some pizza somewhere in Bronx.

It’s almost one in the morning when we leave Luigi’s and head back. On the way, sitting in the dark I refuse to think what tonight meant for me, for us. I give myself a break to just enjoy a moment, but at the back of my mind I know I’ve done a mistake. Because at the end of the day Shawn is still paying me after every minute we spend together and I’m still an escort with debts as big as mountains, A very troubled past and an even more complicated present. And I shouldn’t be confusing these moments and think they are real.

Because I can’t make the same mistake again and end up in pieces.

#shawn mendes #shawn #mendes #mendes amry #boundaries #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #fanfiction #magcon #magcon fanfiction #magcon fanfic

134 notes · View notes