#THIS MAY HABE TAKEN ME LIKE 2 DAYS ON AND OFF

[magireco]

Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!! 

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc... 

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka... 

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation. 

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them. 

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

#asks #luna-mistrunner #homura akemi #analysis #THIS MAY HABE TAKEN ME LIKE 2 DAYS ON AND OFF

[lunar-fey]

been trying to nap for almost 2 hours but i gues im just not done . so much below cut. mostly incoherent and unspaced.

for one thing im just like. i dont know how to word this but like if your hr....... you should do. that. literally got told i wasnt approved to keep working after i move bc i didnr work all my hours last month but its like ya i have medical problems thwre on file and i EVEN used to get days off w fmla for it and like. few months ago i requested to have my hours lowered so i could miss less work and they were like. no bc you need to start working what you have first like...im asking for a solution to the problem of i cant work this many hours and in order to let me be allowed to work less. first i habe to "prove" i can work more. like that makes sense

and its lime my supervisor has been teying to figure out who exactly handles rhe approval all MONTH and its this new hr lady ive never met before and since his supervisor refused to tell him that its like. you know probably no one bothered to even inform her a little bit abt my entire situation and its just.. why as an hr person would you make that decision without speaking to me first? it is so easy? so easy to fire someone after 6 years who has a clean no violations record and is just very sick? and parently no one even knows if im "fired" or "quit" anyway so idek if i can apply for unemployment i gotta look into it ig

and its like my mom im so pissed at bc i guess she was talking her dr and telling him ant this other dr i saw once who wouldnt do testing just said my pain fake go home. and her dr got pissed on my behalf so cool but literally we wouldnt be here right now if she had taken my health seriously as a child instead fo trying to cure me w home remedies of pouring peroxide steaight into my ear and leaving it for 5 minutes and stuff. ya the sizzling sound means its killing the infection yeah SURE and im gonna be so psychotic whilw im there too bc im like barely. coherent rn but the first time someone screams at me im either gonna deck them or dissociate (bad timeline) or they may even push me into an episode. and its going to be sooo funny bc rhey thonk hallucinating all the time and sometimes be in g delisional is just normal. everyone hears their name being called from a dismbodied voice multiple times a day yanno normal :)

and theres like more but im getting less and less coherent. im just tired.

edition with more coherency: in short i been like on the Verge of breaking down for the last couple months with my only hope being if i could keep my job i could move back out after just a couple months and now i may very well be stuck living with my parents at least until sister graduates high school bc skerples doesnt wanna move in w me while she still has to deal w our parents. which is 2 more years unless she emancipates herself (well she is already getting a job anyway but i can barely support myself let alone a minor is the point and my parents like. own a house and i dont so something tells me the courts wont wanna give me custody of her)

but like im fine. im fine i can take it one day at a time and im FINE im just. tired and angry and. stuff.

#positivenews here. in tags #mom ig is going to try to help me get on disability (she is on) and that is my one ray of light. #if i can take a couple months of unemployment (if i can GET it) #nd just focus on health. and get ssi. #it would be so sexy and cool but i know how hard that shit is.

[mochikeiji]

[Always Behind You.]

Pairings: Kageyama Tobio x Hinata Shouyo

Genre: Pinch of fluff, accidentally poured too much Angst.

GIF is not mine!

"We're tired of you, Kageyama. We're done."

The snarling, spiteful voices of his past teammates would always ring in his head whenever he was stuck into an oblivion. Kageyama knows his skills as a setter, his intelligence innthe game. It was ashamed that no one could keep up with him. He felt his talents would be wasted if he settled for less or the weak. He needed to be with those who remain standing, unshaken. That team being in Shiratorizawa, but he wasn't accepted. He rememvers his grandfather had taught him when he was starting to like volleyball as a luttle boy,

"You'll find someone stronger than you. And when you do, you'll give it your all."

Deep inside when he heard those words, "Someone will be stronger than you." he didn't like the thought of it. To see him weak in the knees, teamed up with someone stronger? He'd want to battle with that instead. He will never let an opportunity pass so idly. No one was better than he is. No one could even keep up with him.

Or so he thought before meeting his rival.

"I can keep up with your toss!"

Never in his life had he heard someone say that so idiotically straight forward yet manages to make his spirit burn bright. He didn't want to believe in the boy named, Hinata Shoyo. He was lacking, unbalanced, reckless. Something you don't want to see play in the field knowing at any moment he'd mess up a set. But the memory of him jumping higher than any player before back in middle school was one key than opened the door to his peek of interest in someone.

"You're short, how do you expect to keep up with me?"

"I can jump high."

What a waste of time. He remembers thinming that wag the day the two of them had to make amends in order to get in the team back in first year. It was a rough start for the both of them. They weren't the kind of friends you would claim as good companions. Rather it was more on a cat and dog like. Sometimes behave, sometimes rowdy. Kageyama just forces himself to be a good person because he cared nothing more to the weaklings.

That was before when he unleashed the beast inside of the shorter male. If he was going to have to be honest at some point, Hinata would definitely be more terrifying than he was when his eyes would glints in a dangerous way. The ones where its not just determination you'll see, but the looks as if you shoyld watch your back and not underestimate his capabilities. That's where a real change happened to Kageyama. He had learned to respect him, acknowledge him.

Like him.

"I'll always be behind you!"

Kageyama may not show it, but he lives for the reassurance Hinata has given him. The team, yes, they also give him those. But all his motivations were only able to lighten up unless it was him who speaks it.

During those times, Kageyama would be in painful stress. Always trying to perfect his sets, adjust, be better. Never had he realized he has made a monster out of the latter. It would sometimes annoy him when he keeps asking for toss, but he finds himself smiling, and letting himself wrap around his finger as time passes on between them.

Oikawa noticed how his demeanor would change around Hinata. Maybe he's hit the nail on his head when he told him if he was giving him what he wants. Now, Kageyama doesn't do that before. Kindaichi and Kunimi claimed that when they met again. Kageyama would always go on his own pace. That all he cared about was winning. And now he was following after someone they deemed weaker than he was. How can Hinata have Kageyama do all those without him realizing?

No one would point out how soft he's gone for him. Not even Tsukishima. Something about him didn't seem right at all. Tsukishima would look uninterested in many things, but there was this even more powerful aura emmiting around Kageyama as he stood by Hinata in everything. In or out of the game.

"I met another setter, his name is Kenma!"

He doesn't know why a vein popped from his forehead and fire blazing around him. He didn't like it when Hinata would fond over other players, specifically setters. He didn't like the idea of someone with better skills take away the only person who could keep up with him.

Like a cat, Kenma would run away from Kageyama after believing in the characteristics Hinata had demonstrated him when they met. Some people may think of it as an adorable interaction, but Kenma never revealed why the hair on his skin went up and his pupils shrinking. As if he needed to defend himself or run away.

"You're really awesome, Kageyama!"

Heart beat quickening, his breathing almost stopped when he heard that. You can confirm it was like a praise kink right now.

He was so flustered.

So happy.

Instead of getting glares, and comments only acknowledging his skills and not his well being. He was being praised for all of him. And he wants to keep hearing it. From him. Him only.

He wants him to keep catching him. Keep praising him. Keep telling him he's always there.

He wants Hinata.

"Kageyama bring us a good toss, alright?"

It was the fight for the Nationals. Them agaisnt the eagles— Shoratorizawa. His fingers were fidgeting around the ball, he was getting nauseous. He can feel his feet were getting pulled down by some kind of roots from beneath him. The ace from the other side stomping on his head. He was scared to make the same mistake as before. If they habe to win, if he has to win. He has to let lose. But he fears that history will repeat itself if he does.

His body jolts up slightly after a hand patting his shoulder startled him. Instead of the wide gap he used to see in the court, he sees light. He sees Hinata smiling up at him, giving him a thumbs up as the whistle cues.

"I'll be right behind you, Kageyama."

Those were the lines that replaced the old haunting ones a long time ago.

They had 2 years together. Two years of growing stronger, better. And bonding. Kageyama was thankful he was brought to this school and to him. Almost forgetting about the promise of beating each other in different teams.

No.

He wantes to stay as teammates.

There will be no one in the world to replace his eyes on how they view the oranged haired male. How they would shine brighter, how he would smile wider.

Not Ushijima.

Not even Hoshiumi.

He wants no other ace, spiker. He wants only Hinata.

"I really don't like it when my spiker gets bothered, Kageyama."

He could say the same thing to him— Atsumu.

In the present time. He and his team had come face to face with the Black Jackals. Hinata.

Having to remember the fit of screaming, the wall against his knuckles as he punched them until they bled, and his eyes wide with tears when he found out Hinata had left to Brazil. Had left with other teams.

Everything snapped.

And now here he was staring widely at Hinata, who was hiding behind Atsumu. Bokuto on his side, smiling, but inside he wanted all of them to go away. Away from him as he recalls what Tsukishima had told him before om why Hinata had changed.

"Watch your back, Kageyama. Don't ever come near him again."

That was the last thing he heard from Atsumu before everyone of them walked away in the distance. He memorized the way he spat those words at him. As if he had the audacity to steal his former spiker. His other half.

That was just a week ago during their little encounter.

For Hinata, he had always been so oblivious in highschool. He knows that, and he regrets it. The day when he had graduated, finally moving out of Karasuno, Kageyama was hot on his heels. He almsot sounded like he was pleading him to come to the same school as he was, but Hinata had said he had different plans. He didn't know why Kageyama grabbed him by his shoulders and began shaking him back and fort to make him dizzy. He was beyond confuse when he started crying, "I need you!", "To hell with your plans, you're better off with me!"

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were the ones in that scene and had pried him off of the shaking spiker. Tsukishima was smart no doubt, he said Hinata will talk again with Kageyama after healing from this.

But in reality, Tsukishima was helping Hinata escape.

For Kageyama was not stable.

It was bad now that none of the old members were here right now. They all knew how twisted Kageyama was, but chose to hide in from the eyes of the innocent Hinata.

And he wished he was never so stupid before as he was kneeled down on the cold river infront of him. It streamjng fresh water slowly tainted by metallic crimson ones, a black floating obkect rising above the river to where the smell was gwtting stronger and the crimson spreading faster.

The body of his precious setter.

Atsumu Miya.

Hinata could never bring back the time. He could never take back the moments wherein he should've stayed for everyone's safety. For everyone's lives.

He should've taken the offer the devil that was just watching the corpse flow in the river, the bloody knife hidden behind his back with no sign of regret as his fingers stroked the sobbing ones head.

"I'll always be right behind you."

°°°°°°°

a/n: did i forget to mention its a Yandere!Kageyama fufufu

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu scenarios #hinata shoyuo #kegayama tobio #haikyuu hinata #hinata x tobio #tobio x hinata #Tobio kageyama #hinata shoyo headcanons #hinata shoyo scenarios #hinata shoyo angst #hinata shouyou #kageyama scenario #hq kageyama #kageyama tobio angst #haikyuu scenario #haikyuu angst #haikyuu yandere #yandere #haikyuu imagines #atsumu miya #haikyuu atsumu #atsumu scenarios #atsumu imagines #atsumu headcanons #kageyama x hinata

[shslannoyinghomestuck]

me for the past few days: *sturgglin to sleep more than usual*, *strugglin with understandin others questions slightly*, *my pain x1million*, *constant dizziness*, *thirsty constantly and the concequences of drinkin stuff constantly*, *a million overloads*, *extra anxious*

me today: *all of the above x1million*, *numb and tingly and feelin like raw flesh in arms*, *a literal aura*, *the realisation that this is every warnin sign to my migraines that i get everytime i have one*

now realisin that because i'm not stayin at home the past 2 nights i haven't had as much caffiene (it helps keep mine mostly away) and i haven't taken my stuff to lessen my migraines (because i may or may not habe forgotten to bring it) and i didn't bring my painkillers that are strong enough incase i have one because i usually at least bring paracetamol but the one time that i think i'll be alright and don't have stuff with me is the time i need it i'm a doofus

also for me the actual head and eye pain usually lasts the whole 3 days and is enough for me to cry in pain and afterwards i need a day to recover because i feel like a china doll and if i even sit up i feel like i'll faint or be sick and OF COURSE this has to happen right before christmas when half of my relatives won't take what i'm goin through seriously (they never would) if it's still bad when i have to see them i just want to scream so badly

legit if anyone sees this and has any advice on how to pass time durin bad migraines it'd be greatly appreciated because durin the time i feel too bad to get up and the pain attack and the postdrome i get bored as hell just lyin there waitin and tryna get my mind off of it

#i would throw my junk body away if i could #even now i'm at the point i feel unbelievably sick and dizzy and had to turn off all the lights in the house #migraine #migraine aura #migraine attack #migraine sufferer #actually disabled #tourettes makes migranes so much worse cause the constant ticcin and jerkin makes the pain and sickness so much worse

[bullwrinkledmagnum]

Easy Self Test for females

My suspected natural mother (genetic) says she's never had kids.

So this is rather odd. But i had always had milk come out of my nipples since for a long time. Since the 90s. So i know i had been previously pregnant (now in 2019 and for a few years) when i first remember this And i had an adverse emotional reaction.

Its understood, scientifically through research you cannot have breast milk without having a baby.

This article states 20-25% of people can.

I believe this is a cover-up to make you shut up and stay out of the way.

Someone told me it was oil like i had weird zits inside my nipples... Or on the edge.

Whatever it worked. I had to avoid the emotions of my children dying or being taken away because I would have killed myself. I couldn't handle knowing and doing nothing about it.

I feel this is a risky post.

1. I dont tell you and you never know or you never believe you do have a kid

2. You find out you probably did and can't handle it.

So. I am going to believe the world is mentally stable and strong and post it

Now before you decide to check, maybe you should get yourself a DNA test kit for Christmas -- Ancestry.com is currently allowing. My Heritage is cheapest but anyone can see your DNA. 23andme you can hide it from the public but the militaries have access (limited just to match they dont download it) and DNA4U is a private currently not on the market company as they have never been and will not be soon as all their resources are going to this crisis.

https://www.crigenetics.com/index-v-3

Is also participating in allowing access.

My Heritage allows any company's DNA to be uploaded to their system for free.

However. Genetic information will not be available without paying.

So you can get any test really and then upload it. Check they allow you to download the raw DNA. Most do as it is your own information.

Doing this will allow you peace of mind. If you have breast milk then you won't worry of they overlook you in returning your child. You will be one step ahead.

I know this is super difficult.

It's kinda stressful for me to write it, knowing I am opening a Pandora's Box.

Remember to seek counseling if you need. Look online for free resources. Talk to a friend. Keep busy.

Now

To test all you have to do is squeeze the tip of your nipples. There will be colostrum. It will look like a dirty oil.

It can be a dark gray to a yellow to a clear color.

If you "clean" your ducts regularly, like daily but don't express the milk, you can have seperated milk, a thick white. Bright white spongy material. This can also come out of your armpits. Which can be confused as deodorant or may be deodorant.

Now if you are brave. Rub your armpits daily for a week. And check your nipples for expression.

The milk ducts are located in the arm pits also. And down through the breasts.

Feel free to massage your boobs but if you don't feel comfortable, do your armpits.

If after a week nothing comes out you have not had children. Most likely.

I suspect that many will have children in China. So please if you can, get a DNA kit.

If you cannot afford to. My Heritage will set up a system to give them to you free of charge. The system needs to be made and i will notify you. But you may write in as of now if you would like. But if you get a non valid response try again. There's many customer service people and they will need to be notified.

By January they should be together on this. So write in and title it "human trafficking"

They will make a system available ASAP. So its a special team you contact but for now know you may get an idiot and then just start over.

This is actually developing news so...

I'm sorry. I truly am.

Some people have had breasts and tissue removed due to cancer. It is Likley you had a clogged milk duct and doctors removed it. And called it cancer.

So if you have suffered from breast cancer, its Likley you have had given birth.

I'm extremely sorry.

They tried to do that to me when I was 13. But my dad fought them.

He told me over and over "you don't have cancer and don't let anyone Tell you and if They do, tell me and i will kill them. Or call the police if i am not home"

So i believe that most cancers are a lie. That cancer doesn't exist.

That does not mean people have suffered.

I am sorry you have been a victim.

I know this is horrible news right before Christmas.

I choose to tell you now because I know you're busy thinking about how to make people happy with gifts and etc and your focus is on,Christmas.

So please continue to focus on Christmas and allow this to be a business issue that will become personal when you have the answers you need.

This is a later issue that you will need to prepare for. Combined with the now issue of family and friends.

Soon you will have family and friends around you and you may xhoose to,express you may be a victim. A 22 year old. No kids. Rarely or never had sex but has breast milk.

I thought i was a virgin until i was 18!!! I had kids at 10!! A bunch!!!

So I KNOW this information can be bad.

This is why I choose to expose it now.

Because at Christmas even if I'm in the dumps, I can either pick myself up Or be glad i know an actual reason I'm so sad feeling!

So please don't let the anger exist in you. Use that energy to research. Pound out some dough for the holidays. A King's cake perhaps with a baby hidden in.

That can make you sad but also make you feel, you know what? It Is Gonna Be Ok.

So it is an item on the task list that you put away until later.

I say this because you want to know Who they are. Where they are. What has happened to them.

Don't.

Do not do that.

They will tell you.

Focus on you.

Remember you are good enough to be loved.

Remember to brush your teeth -- crest will make them brighter white but can turn them brown if you dont get every dip and tilt. Colgate is good at not doing that.

Do laundry.

Take care of You and Your family you habe now. Yoir friends.

That is what you habe now. Enjoy this last time without Yoir kids. Because right now they're at a free baby sitters. And always have been.

So enjoy Yoir time off from being a mom to a bunch more people.

We are doing the best we can to find them and give them to you.

So you do the best you can in being happy to see them.

Thank you.

And i am sorry if you are someone like me. But one day it will get better.

[amorrain1990-blog]

Its been awhile..

Ive been battling with writers block, on top of a lot of insane life changes. So unfortunately, i havent had it in me to write. Tonight im hoping this will help be a tool to aide me in my quest of finding myself and becoming a normal human being... (its a far stretch, but one can only hope) So i went from making this a dating blog to making this about myself and my life. So instead of giving dating advice, which im still willing to do if i had anyone who actually read this and asked me questions, im just going to write.. Its selfish, but at the same time we all need to vent. Im obviouslt not that upset about it. In the past few months, ive gone from being single and living with "family" to moving back to the east coast and living with my real family. People who support me, have my back and want only the best for me. Thats what real family does. They love you unconditionally. They do what they can to help and dont judge or blame you. If you are reading this, i hope you dont ever have to know what it feels like to habe family members hurt and destroy you. But if you have that unfortunate luck, know that your family is who you make it. My friends are my family. Ive been so blessed to habe the love snd support of many friends. They know me better than anyone else, they have helped me grow and even helped me get over some tramatic things. I miss my friends back home, but right now i know i need to heal out here. Where its simpler and i can do what i need to survive without having to resort to slightly imorale means of survival. I decided to return to my ex. Yeah i know, who the hell does that? But in my mind he loves and cares about me. More than most the men who have come and gone in my life. And hes stable. Not into hardcore drugs or living off of someone else. I know with him i can be safe and happy. Is it right? Do i feel that im head over heels in love? No. But i think that as you get older, you realize thst that kind of love is too rare in life. It doesnt last. And then you have to grow up and do whats better for you, whats more responsible. I dont believe in love anymore. Not the kind that makes you tear up in a movie. Theres different forms of love, and im ok with going for the safe and secure kind. Call me crazy, call me stupid, ive heard it all. But when you have spent your entire life being kicked down by life, sometimes you crave normalacy.. I wish i had done things differently. The what ifs race through my mind on the daily.. its useless to fixate on it, but when you have mental disorders its impossible to surpress. I wonder what life would be like if i had stable paremts growing up.. if i had a famoly who wasnt mainly comprised of drug addicts, felons, and ex cons. What would life be like if i had support and someone pushing me to be all i can be.. Obviously ill never know, but if i did i wouldnt be here writing at 4am while im sitting at work hoping an asteriod will fall out of the sky and hit me right in the head. My only hope is i can pass my knowledge on to help someone else feel just a little less alone. Living with anxiety, has never been easy. Due to the recent situation with my sperm donor(aka "dad"), i have lost everythng, most of my possessions and a place to live. All of that i could deal with, but losing my "father" to a heroin addict and becoming traumatized by threats and emotional damage, that was just too much to bear. I cant say i was the perfect daughter, but i can say i did my best. I was living in a massive city where the competition is fierce and not having a car hindered my job searching. It is what it is, at the end of the day i made my decisions and after they showed their real colors, i knew it was pointless to stay and fix anything. Plus when your called a whore over and over again by your own sperm donor, it kinda makes you want to just run and curl up in a ball in a cave somewhere. The journey ive made mentally surpases the 3000 mile trip on a train for 4 days with no shower, greatly. Its taken 2 months and i still have days i dont wanna get out of bed. It scares me to even bring a child into the world that may suffer like i do. I wish there was a way to just end the storm that rages inside of me. The feelings of inadequacy are like a broken record being played in my mind. Over and over... yet i can be cocky as hell when i want to be. Does that make me psycho? Or is it just normal for someone like me? I wonder if one day ill ever be able to breathe again..

[jothebearfrance]

2018/03/05

Brot, Pizza, Kompost und Regen

(scroll down for English version: bread, pizza, compost and rain)

(défiler vers le bas pour la version française: pain, pizza, compost et pluie)

Nach dem Frühstück ging es für mich heute um 9 Uhr mit der Arbeit los. Ich durfte beim Brotbacken helfen! Es sind diese Woche noch 2 Praktikanten da, die Clément in der Bäckerei und auf dem Hof helfen. Zunächst habe ich Clément geholfen den Brotteig zu machen, was viel leichter gewesen wäre, wenn ich endlich dahinter steigen würde, wie die Zahlen heißen. So hat mir der Kopf geraucht, und nicht nur, weil es durch den Holzofen so heiß war in der Bäckerei. Irgendwie hat es zum Glück trotzdem funktioniert und es ist ein brauchbarer Teig zustande gekommen. Der Teig wurde dann in 4 Portionen geteilt und mit verschiedenen Nuss- und Samenmischungen vermengt. Danach durfte ich helfen, den Teig zu portionieren und ihn zu formen. Das Formen ist gar nicht so leicht, aber mit genug Mehl und etwas Übung hat es ganz gut geklappt. Als das Brot im Ofen war wollte ich Maria helfen, die Pizzen fürs Mittagessen zu belegen und habe mir bei dem Versuch einen Beutel Käse aufzuschneiden erst mal in den Finger geschnitten. Taschentuch drum und weiter ging`s. (Hinfallen, aufstehen, Krone richten, weitermachen.) Bis der Ofen die richtige Temperatur für die Pizza erreicht hatte sind Clément, die zwei Praktikanten und ich raus gegangen und Clément (oder der „Boulanger“, wie Maria immer sagt) hat uns gezeigt, wie man den Komposthaufen richtig mit Mist, Heu, Stroh und Asche aufschichtet. Es war sehr windig und ich musste aufpassen, dass ich beim Auflockern des Mist-Stroh-Gemisches nicht wortwörtlich in einem Shit Storm lande.

Nach dem Mittagessen (die Pizza war sehr lecker, auch wenn die Franzosen eine komische Vorstellung davon haben, was sich als Pizzabelag eignet) haben wir den Komposthaufen fertig gemacht. Als letztes haben wir den Haufen mit einer dicken Schicht alten Komposts (also quasi Erde) zugedeckt. Dazu hat einer der Praktikanten eine von drei Schubkarren mit Erde gefüllt, der andere hat sie dann die 30 Meter zum Komposthaufen gefahren, wo ich dann die Erde runter geschaufelt hab. Insgesamt waren es 10 oder 11 Schubkarren voll Erde und bei der Vorletzten hatte es zum Regnen  angefangen. Der Regen war eigentlich sehr angenehm, da mir durch die Arbeit so warm geworden war, dass ich sogar meinen Pulli ausgezogen und nur in einem Tanktop gearbeitet hatte. Als der Kompost fertig war bin ich reingegangen, um mich abzutrocknen und aufzuwärmen (der Regen hat mich etwas ausgekühlt). Ich habe wieder Yoga gemacht, und nachdem ich geduscht hatte wollte ich raus, um ein paar Fotos vom Hof zu machen, aber es hatte schon wieder angefangen zu regnen. Also hab ich nur ein paar Bilder zur Tür und zum Fenster raus gemacht und vielleicht schaffe ich es ja noch vor meiner Abreise ein paar Fotos zu machen.

Zum Abendessen gab es Suppe vom Vortag und frisch gebackenes Brot, zum Nachtisch Käse und zum nach-Nachtisch Teurgoule (im Ofen gebackener Milchreis aus der Normandie).

Nach diesem Tag und diesem Essen werde ich hoffentlich schlafen wie ein Stein.

Bread, pizza, compost and rain

After breakfast, I started work at 9am today. I could help with bread baking! This week, there are 2 interns here helping Clément in the bakery and on the farm. I started off by helping Clément make the bread dough, which would have been a lot easier if I could actually wrap my mind around how the numbers work in French. So my head was spinning. Somehow, luckily, it still worked out and managed to make a useable dough. The dough was then divided into 4 portions and mixed with different nut and seed mixtures. Then I was allowed to help portion the dough and shape it. Shaping is not too easy, but with enough flour and a little practice, it went quite well. When the bread was in the oven, I wanted to help Maria prepare the pizzas for lunch and I cut my finger attempting to cut open a bag of cheese. I wrapped a paper tissue around my finger and on I went. (Fall down, get up, dust down crown, carry on.) Until the oven reached the right temperature for the pizza, Clément, the two interns, and I went outside, and Clément (or the "boulanger," as Maria always calls him) showed us how to properly stack the compost heap with manure, hay, straw and ashes. It was very windy and I had to be careful not to literally end up in a shit storm when trying to aerate the dung-straw mixture. After lunch (the pizza was delicious, even though the French have a weird idea of ​​what's suitable as a pizza topping), we've finished the compost heap. As the final step, we covered the heap with a thick layer of old compost (basically soil). One of the trainees filled one of three wheelbarrows with soil, the other pushed them 30 meters to the compost pile, where I shoveled the soil onto the heap. All in all, there were 10 or 11 wheelbarrows full of soil and when I was working on the second to last wheelbarrow, it had started to rain. The rain was actually very pleasant, as I had gotten so warm from the work that I had even taken off my sweater and was working wearing only a tank top. When the compost was done I went in to dry myself and warm up (the rain was chilly after all). I did some yoga again, and after taking a shower I intended to get outside to take some pictures of the farm, but it had started to rain again. So I just took a few pictures from inside the door and through the window, and maybe I'll actually be able to take some proper pictures before I leave.

For dinner, we had soup from the day before and freshly baked bread, for dessert cheese and for the dessert of the dessert Teurgoule (oven-baked rice pudding from Normandy). After this day and this dinner, I will hopefully sleep like a log.

Pain, pizza, compost et pluie

Après le petit déjeuner, j'ai commencé à travailler à 9 heures aujourd'hui. J'ai pu aider avec la cuisson du pain! Cette semaine, il y a encore 2 stagiaires ici pour aider Clément à la boulangerie et à la ferme. D'abord, j'ai aidé Clément à faire la pâte, ce qui aurait été beaucoup plus facile si je enfin comprendrais la façon dont les numéros fonctionnent. Donc, j'ai phosphoré. D'une manière ou d'une autre, heureusement, cela a fonctionné et c'est arrivé à une pâte utile. La pâte a ensuite été divisée en 4 portions et mélangée avec différents mélanges de noix et de graines. Ensuite, j'ai pu aider à diviser la pâte et à la former. La mise en forme n'est pas si facile, mais avec assez de farine et un peu de pratique, ça a plutôt bien marché. Pendant le pain était dans le four, j'aurais voulu aider Marie à préparer les pizzas pour le déjeuner et je ai coupé mon doigt en essayant de couper ouvert un sac de fromage. Bander avec un mouchoir et c'est parti. (Tomber par terre, se lever, réajuster la couronne, continuer.)  Jusqu'à ce que le four atteint la température correcte pour la pizza, nous, Clément, les deux stagiaires et je suis sont sortis au dehors et Clément (ou « Boulanger », comme Marie dit toujours) nous a montré comment bien empiler le tas de compost avec du fumier, du foin, de la paille et des cendres. Il avait beaucoup de vent et je devais faire attention que je ne me trouve pas littéralement dans un Shitstorm en ameublir le mélange paille-fumier. Après le déjeuner (la pizza était délicieuse, même si les Français ont une étrange idée de ce qui est approprié comme garniture des pizzas) nous avons fait prêt le tas de compost. Enfin, nous avons recouvert la pile d'une épaisse couche de vieux compost (pour ainsi dire la terre). Pour l'un des stagiaires a rempli l'un des trois brouettes avec le sol, l'autre a ensuite poussé au tas de compost de 30 mètres où j'ai décharger la terre. Au total, il y avait 10 ou 11 brouettes de terre et dans l'avant-dernier, il avait commencé à pleuvoir. La pluie était vraiment très agréable, car j’étais chaude par le travail que j'avais même pris mon pull et travaillé que dans un débardeur. Quand le compost a été fait je suis allée dedans pour me sécher et réchauffer (la pluie m'a un peu refroidi). J'ai fait le yoga à nouveau, et après avoir douché, je voulais sortir pour prendre quelques photos de la ferme, mais il avait commencé à pleuvoir. J'ai donc prises quelques photos au travers des fenêtres, et j'éspere que je peux peut-être prendre des photos avant mon départ.

Pour le dîner, il y avait de la soupe de la veille et du pain fraîchement cuit, pour le dessert du fromage et pour le dessert du dessert Teurgoule. Après cette journée et cette nourriture, j'espère que je dormirai comme un sabot.

#wwoof #wwoofing #france #normandie #normandy #frankreich #zentamaus #blog francais #english blog #german blog #deutscher blog #french blog #french #german #english

[luxus4me]

Lifehack http://j.mp/2tzMvNM

One of the core practices in Buddhism is non attachment. Buddhists believe that forming emotional attachments to things, will inevitably lead to suffering. Whilst this notion has been taken to extremes, with people not forming attachments to anything, abandoning all possessions and forsaking friendship. I believe that non attachment can be beneficial in certain ways, especially when it is applied to our ideas and goals.

It is perfectly natural to cling to our ideas. To want to work day and night to see them through. This is commendable. However, it could be said, that in some contexts, the idea of never giving up on something, no matter the costs, is well…inefficient.[1]

Instead of seeing it as giving up, see it as retreating.

What is Steve Jobs famous for?

I’d bet almost all of you answered “The founder and late CEO of Apple”. I’d again bet that none of you said, the founder of NeXt.[2] This was a company similar to apple that Jobs Founded during the few years he left Apple.

The reason for this is that the company was ultimately a failure, and was later brought up by Apple once Steve Jobs returned to the company. Though Jobs spent time, energy (and $7 million) on the company, he gave it up as it was not a success. He didn’t spend years after, losing his money and the rest of his credibility on NeXt as it sank, and Apple rose in strength and influence.

Walt Disney once founded Laugh-O-Gram, an animation studio he hoped would be the launching ground for his ideas.[3] Laugh-O-Gram soon went bankrupt and crashed, undeterred, he founded another studio. Walt Disney Studios. You’ve probably seen some of their work.

What these stories teach us, is that, ultimately not all ideas are created equally. NeXt wasn’t the next Apple, and Jobs came to know this. For whatever reason Laugh-O-Gram, didn’t have that magic X factor that Walt Disney Studios came to have, and again, Walt Disney came to know this.

Of course, it’s good to be passionate about our ideas, but that passion can leave us blind to real faults. If we take a step back at our ideas and look at them objectively, we may see things that should be changed or perhaps the idea could be abandoned entirely in favor of a better one to come along.

Ultimately, if instead of seeing our ideas as things to fight for whatever the cost, but investments of time, effort, and money. We may come to see our ideas and projects differently.

In military history, there are countless stories of armies retreating from battles in order to win more important, larger battles. There are also stories (think Napoleon’s catastrophic invasion of Russia) of armies heading into battles or campaigns which ended in disaster (Napoleon never recovered from the loss). Its the same thing.

It’s difficult to let go because we fear that we waste the effort we’ve spent.

We like to think that our value of things such as projects or goals comes from our wish to see them through, or perhaps a prediction of their later worth. However our ultimate attachment actually comes from a complex web of emotional attachments created not by our views of its worth, but the time and effort already put into it.

In many ways, one of the most powerful aspects of our attachment to things is based on fear of our loss of that thing, as much as our liking or enjoyment of it. This false attachment based on loss is the sunk cost fallacy.[4]

For example: have you ever played a video game for a while, rebooted it up one day only to discover that the save file has been corrupted. Our frustration here doesn’t come from our the way it’ll take much longer to see how the game’s story progresses, or even the fact that we have to re-play it again, instead our frustration comes from the time we have spent on the game to amount to nothing.

The pain and frustration we feel when we lose out, is the same reason why Buddhists avoid forming attachments at all, as they feel this suffering is inevitable. But this isn’t necessarily the case.

When the sunk cost fallacy is applied to our goals and projects, its easy to see how we can become attached to things that deep down we know might not work. Again, we don’t stick with them because we know their worth, we stick with them as we can’t bear to see the loss of it, or specifically we can’t bear to see the time spent on it amount to nothing. In this way, abandoning the idea early on in favor of a better one can be the better option.

In the end, only you will know if or when to give up on something, but here is a short list of things to think about when in consideration.

How excited are you about it?

It could be a good idea to deeply examine how exactly you feel about your idea, project, or even current job that you may give up on. Does thinking about it stress you out? When you talk about it does you mood deflate and you try to change the subject, speaking enthusiastically about other things?

If its causing you stress and unhappiness, then perhaps its a good idea to truly consider how much it is worth to you. No idea is worth you health and happiness.

Plus, if you decide to stick with it, this unhappiness is only going to grow and expand, as deep down you know the thing you are spending your time on isn’t right for you Listen to yourself and you’ll know the answer.

“What if?”

By now you’re probably thinking or saying those immortal words.

“What if this idea proves to be a great success”

“What if I am losing out massively?”

We can never be sure of the answer to these questions, that’s why they are so powerful. But one thing we can be sure about, is that it is impossible to know the future.

“What if my book idea is the next bestseller?”

“What if its the next Harry Potter?”

Consider how truly realistic this is. There are many successful and published writers who only earn a decent living from their books. Every failed book ever written was written by someone who fought hard for it and didn’t give up on it. What if they spent that time on a better book? What if that better book was successful? They never found this out as they spent all their time and effort on a bad idea.

Can quitting leave you financially better off?

This is best explained with a gambling metaphor.[5]

How many times have you heard of a gambler putting everything they have into a bet, for that gamble to work out and they win big and are forever successful…Maybe that has only happened a few times. There are countless stories of gamblers putting everything into a bet, ending in them losing everything. Or if they win with the first bet, they lose it all in the second. Once again, the gambler’s commitment to win whatever the cost, is the sunk cost fallacy in point of fact.

It’s the same thing. If you put a significant amount of money into something, only for it to end in failure, that money is gone forever. That loss is greater still when you see time and effort spend on something as currency too.

Who else is supportive?

When you consider the sunk cost fallacy, its easy to see why you might be biased, why your thinking is too subjectively bent towards an idea. In this way, getting the thoughts of others can be a better idea. There is no point asking friends, because as friends they are almost honor bound to tell you its a good idea and act supportive. But ask yourself how many people are clearly and visibly supportive and enthusiastic about your project or goal.

If there are many people, then, well you may be onto a winner. But if there are few, or even nobody, then ask yourself why that is, you might think its because they don’t care. But this isn’t the case. The biggest reason they may not be super supportive as they don’t want to see you fail and are trying to hint that what you are working on, may not be worth your time.

Letting go of what doesn’t serve you returns to you your best feature, your unique selling point.

When you put all your effort into something, there is always a risk of losing your most important feature. You risk losing that one thing that is the secret behind all your successes. If you quit something and that thing is truly returned to you and is ready to work for you again.

But what is it?

Well, the secret behind all your successes is yourself. If you put everything in an ultimately bad idea then you aren’t working with your best, but are working with the sunk cost fallacy. By quitting and working on something else, you gain all your passion and ability back.

It is difficult to consider quitting. I know that this is hard to hear. Again, only you should take the leap in giving up on something. If you are truly passionate about something, and others support you and think it a good idea. If you are happiest thinking about it and enjoy working on it, then fight for it with all its worth. If no part of you accepts this article and thinks I’m right in any way, then please, don’t pay attention to me.

I don’t know you, I don’t know your goals or ambitions. If I knew what you were working on its possible I’d think it a great idea.

But if somewhere this article connects, and deep down quitting seems like a good idea. Then maybe it is. Sometimes, giving up on one thing can lead to success in another.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1] ^ 99U: The Merits of Giving Up on Your Ideas [2] ^ Web Archive: Apple Computer, Inc. Finalizes Acquisition of NeXT Software Inc. [3] ^ Wanderlust Worker: 12 Famous People Who Failed Before Succeeding [4] ^ You Are Not Smart: The Sunk Cost Fallacy [5] ^ Oprah: Know When to Fold ‘Em

The post How to Win More by Giving up for the Right Reason appeared first on Lifehack.

http://j.mp/2tzrIu0 via Lifehack URL : http://j.mp/2aIOrGM

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