#when you compare yourself to perfection you are going to need therapy
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McNabb didn't "choke" in the Superbowl. And give Andy a break about mismanaging the clock when he did everything else he possibly could to coach the Avengers into nearly defeating Thanos without any deus ex machina bull shit.
Just pure gumption and genius coaching. But nothing beats Brady and Bellichek when Gronk and Brady are in sync. Even as a fucking AARP member with the fucking Tampa Bay Rays he's still formidable and a regular contender for the Superbowl today.
In the 90's The trio was an unstoppable force that just plowed up and down the field and every possession ended in a TD.
The 2004 Eagles kept up with Brady.
And that hall of fame defense fucked him up like the spirit of Reggie White possessed them. They made him cry and throw a tantrum and got dirt on his uniform. And turf in his face mask. Hitting and hurrying Brady almost every down against the very best offensive line money and guaranteed Superbowl rings can buy.
And fucking Brady just got even better.
And yet. And yet with Terrell Owens on a broken leg playing half speed yet doing outrageous plays and a nervous McNabb playing extremely competently using his legs and working well with Westbrook doing his magic and Owens showboating, Andy Reid almost did it. He almost got his offense to keep up with Brady and slow Brady down enough to give Donovan a chance to win.
But McNab let the pressure get to him at the end and stopped having fun. And began to hesitate and second guess instead of just instinctively having fun and playing at his usual superhuman level.
He just got nervous. Probably for the first time in his life. A real chance to beat Brady! And win the Superbowl for Philly at last! With his favorite teammates and coach Andy Reid! (Andy Reid is what Joe Paterno pretended to be.)
Donovan McNabb got nervous because only Tom Brady wouldn't get nervous at the thought of facing Brady let alone hoping to beat him in the Superbowl when he was playing top of his game. So Donovan "choked" and made some shit plays at the end there. But up till then he had danced up and down the field vs the Patriots defense and kept up with Brady blow for blow. McNabb was beautiful that day.
Andy Reid was on his game too and against all odds almost lead the Avengers to victory against Brady.
But Brady and Bellicheck with Gronk on his game is absolutely invincible. Just an unstoppable force where you are hoping for a failed 1st down run and and short second to make for a long third and then some kind of miracle stop or on third and long. The best defense was to try and draw fouls. Because you can't stop the guy. You just have to slow him down and hope for one or pray for two bad throws this 3rd down.
Like, third and thirty five was difficult but doable most possessions.
Eagles actually hit that smug father fucker a whole bunch on his way up and down the field. It didn't stop him. But it was hella fun to watch as my team almost beat Brady in his prime, but nothing could ever beat Brady in his prime. Even on his bad days he was nothing short of perfect and intelligent and creative and instinctual that borders on godlike.
I hate his guts and I just don't know why. He seems hella nice. He's too good looking and dates a model but good for him on all of that. I'm happy to see decent guys win the lottery. But I still don't like him. Such is life. I wish him well in everything but football. Get sacked Brady.
But yeah, no body, no matter how well prepared, trained and superhuman can be perfect for the entire Superbowl. You are going to lose some possessions without having scored.
The Eagles were a true Super Bowl team. Any other decade they would have won any Super Bowl against any team outside of the 2000's Patriots. They made every offensive line in the NFL look silly and picked off future hall of famers every other down.
The Lombardi Trophy belonged to Brady back then. Pure and simple. It was just who is going to lose spectacularly in the Super Bowl after playing big fish in a small pond till now.
Eagles almost beat Brady in his prime, but nothing can keep up with a demigod.
I submit that the 2004 Eagles were a feat of genius by Andy
He was able to cobble together a really good team around his star QB and other key players who are all hall of famers now. And I don't know how he snatched up Owens. Owens was amazing. He just had a big mouth and was a showboat. He backed up every boast too and made the greatest future hall of famer DBs miss every single time. And everyone loved it. Except the fucking racist NFL.
Andy managed to cobble together this amazing 2004 Eagles team and got them working together even though they didn't like each other at first and help them run together so well that he almost took this army of reject NFL superheroes up against Thanos and won.
He had a Lawful Good Deadpool instead of Captain America leading the charge. And Neutral Good Don't Give A Fuck Decent Guy Deadpool With a sharpie up his sleeve carving up the captains of Thanos. And Mysteriously unknown preternatural undersized Black Panther Westbrook conducting acrobatic feats y'all wouldn't believe today. Even still that man's shit was like watching Black Panther dance around dealing broken ankles and first downs out of third and long every time McNabb got in trouble.
Even the Avengers can't beat 2000s Brady.
Give McNabb and Andy Reid their due respect. They almost did the impossible together. Don't give them such trash about minor little lapses in perfection. You aren't the God of Noah.
You are an Eagles Fan! And you cheered through fucking Buddy Ryan's bullshit. Andy Reid and McNabb almost took down Brady in his prime! You should celebrate that team!
#ph4wg#ph4wg original#2004 Eagles#Donovan McNabb#Terrell Owens#Brian Westbrook#Andy Reid#The only Superbowl where the Eagles weren't robbed by the refs#Nobody can beat Brady#fuck Tom Brady#Tom Brady is the GOAT#Why God?#Nobody can be Brady#Except Eli Manning#snort#Archies goofball son beat Brady with the fucking New York Giants and Michael Strahan#google eli manning at the beach#THAT guy beat Brady looking like that#i think I'm always mad at myself because i compare myself to the Bradys of this world when I'm just a Terrell Owens#when you compare yourself to perfection you are going to need therapy#when you are measuring how much closer to Brady level you are#how far you still have to go#instead of concentrating on how far you've come#life is about growth and change#life is not about perfection or attempting to get closer to it#that's what's fucking us up#grading everything and everyone against perfect
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that's the spot
2.3k | masseur!joel x fem!reader | master
This was a request from @megangovier20. thank you @dark-scape for the title. Also recommend @swiftispunk's amazing masseuse!reader fic: say it with your hands. warnings/notes: non or pre-outbreak, Joel jacks off 🥵, unsafe P in V, reader pressures joel, wants a rough touch. Reader can sit on Joel. I8 +mdni
Your friend referred you to Joel for your back, and after having his hands on you that first time, you needed more. He was gentle and professional. Too gentle. Too professional. You yearned for a rougher touch and he couldn’t stop calling you “ma’am” at first, even when you asked him not to. The room was tranquil and minimalist. There was a shelf for your clothes, a hook for your keys, a chair, and a massage table. It was dimly lit and he wore a linen tunic with matching drawstring pants. He gave you privacy while you stripped down to just a towel.
Initially, you were startled by how handsome he was – the perfect hook of his nose, his tortured brow, and sad eyes. The mesmerizing pattern of his facial hair. But you were at ease once he spoke in a low, calming voice as he kneaded your back. “You’re too young ‘n healthy to be walkin’ around with back pain” was the first thing he said with you face down on his table. The depth and masculine softness of his voice mesmerized you, and from then on, you tried to keep him talking as much as you could. It was hard, though – he wasn’t much of a talker.
Joel’s hands on your back did as much for you as any other man’s hands between your legs. It had been a long time since a man touched you at all. But as far as you could remember, no one’s hands compared to his, not even close. Strong and massive, gliding across your smooth skin, firmly pressing into your muscles, they turned you on unlike anything you’d felt before.
Every time you left his office, you were in desperate need of release. You squeezed your thighs together as soon as you got in your car, and once in the privacy of your bedroom, you thought about nothing but his hands all over you as you brought yourself to climax. It never took long after an appointment with Joel.
-
One day, you asked Joel if he could be a little rougher with you.
“Rougher?” he asked skeptically.
“Don’t be afraid to hurt me,” you told him.
He was hesitant and explained he’s trained in specific massage techniques, “and rougher ain’t one of’em.” He offered to try the massage gun on you instead. The thought of a tool instead of his hands didn’t do it for you, so you told him maybe another time.
The next time, you slipped him some extra cash and asked him to work you over as hard as he was willing to. He searched your eyes and must have seen the desperation, because he wouldn’t take the folded bills, but he finally agreed.
At first, it was only slightly rougher than usual.
“Good, that’s great,” you kept telling him. “Perfect.” Your praise gave him the confidence to continue. “More,” you kept telling him. “Harder.”
When he finished that day, there was something in the air between you, like each of you knew this was going to become more than massage therapy. Seeing it in your eyes appeared to be the confirmation he needed. He again refused the extra cash.
In the following weeks, when you said “harder” or “please, rougher,” he obliged, often grunting with the effort. He used his elbows at times.
“Damn, you like it real rough, don’t ya?” he muttered at one point. It was a far cry from his professionalism at the first appointment, and it turned you on that you were breaking down his walls. He was good at hiding his arousal, but you could hear it in his voice.
At the end of the appointments, he always composed himself back into the perfect professional. He scanned your body and wet his lips, but there was no sign he’d make a move. He had the self-control you lacked.
-
One week, you asked him to get on top of you.
“If that’s what ya need, sugar. . . I’m here to give ya what ya need.” Those words sent a rush of blood to your loins.
At your urging, Joel got on the massage table and straddled your ass. He used his fists and knuckles and his body weight. You sighed and moaned as he pushed the sweetest pops and cracks out of your skeleton. His grunts and heavy breaths made a symphony with your own sounds.
You ached and throbbed between the legs. After a particularly sensual sigh left your mouth, you felt his crotch twitch before lifting off your ass. He wasn’t going to let you feel him get hard, but the knowledge of it made you swell with need.
“Lower,” you said. He scooted back, moving down your body, and kneaded your back lower and lower until his hands were almost at your ass.
“Lower,” you pleaded. “Lose the towel.” He took the towel off you, and his big hands slowly crept onto your ass cheeks.
“Yes,” you said. “Feels so good. . .”
He took two handfuls of your ass and inhaled loudly.
"Ohhh,” you sighed. You were close to coming.
“Feels that good, huh?” he said in a low, horny murmur.
He flattened his hands and slid them from your ass, down the curve of your lower back, up to your shoulder blades and said “You’re somethin’ else, you know that?”
The contrast of his light touch and the desire in his voice did it for you. You clenched your thighs together and sighed as you reached your release. You dug your pubic bone into the table with your pulsations and he took his hands off you in astonishment as your spine arched, lifting your upper back off the table.
“Fuuuck,” he sighed and brought his hands down gently on your back. “Was that what I think it was?”
“You have a way with those hands, Joel.”
“God damn,” he said.
-
“Will you lie down on me?” you asked.
“I, uh, I’m really enjoyin’ all this. . .but I think I better not right now.”
“You dunno how good you make me feel,” you gushed. “You dunno much I need this."
He was quiet. “Nice of you to say that. . . tryin’ to be professional, but god damn, you make it hard.”
“And that's exactly how I want you,” you purred. “Come on. Lie down on me for just a minute. Let me feel you for just a minute, and I swear to God I’ll leave.”
After a few seconds he agreed, “Only have a minute ‘til I gotta go anyway.”
Your hands were under your head with your elbows out to the side. He walked on his knees back up the table, pants dragging against your sides. Then he slid his large, veiny hands under your arms, sending a rush through you. He put his forearms down on the table. Then he got in a plank and you felt the linen of his tunic hang against your needy skin.
He dipped his hips and lightly grazed your ass with the hardness in his pants. He murmured into your hair, “Guess this is what you want?”
“Mmmm, yeah, that's the spot. . .” you replied.
Then he laid onto you, lowering his pelvis first. You moaned and he sighed as his hard bulge pushed against your inner thighs.
"Gimme all your weight."
He slowly lowered the rest of his weight.
“God damn, sugar. . . you got me breakin’ all kinda rules.” He swelled harder against you, making your whole body weak with desire, and you savored the weight of his body on yours. Your insides buzzed from head to toe. His hips just barely thrust into yours, making you wetter.
“Mmm,” you sighed.
He stayed there for a minute, just barely rutting into you, then sighed loudly as he climbed down from the table. “Sorry, sugar. That’s it for today.” His massive palm lightly stroked your upper back. “I’ll let you get dressed.”
You turned over onto your side, facing him before he could turn around to leave. You followed his eyes to your naked breasts before he could avert them. He swallowed and clasped his hands in front of his crotch, trying to regain his composure.
“Joel….” you said and lightly stroked his inner elbow. His eyes met yours again and he bit his lip. “Thank you.”
He winked. “See ya next time, sugar.”
-
You looked at the clock and realized you might make him late for his next appointment. You quickly dressed in a daze, your whole body tingling with the afterglow as you put on your jeans and t-shirt. It wasn’t until you were in the parking lot that you realized you left your keys on the hook in his massage room. When you came back in, the receptionist was closing the appointment book.
“Excuse me, I don’t want to interrupt Joel’s next appointment, but I left my keys in there. . ..”
“Oh, you were his last appointment for the day. I think he’s probably gone.”
“Oh. . .”
“Go ahead, it should be unlocked.”
-
As you approached the door and put your hand on it, you heard him sighing over the squish of skin. Your breath hitched. So that was why he had to go. Fair enough. You took a deep breath, turned the handle, and opened the door.
In the dimly lit room, Joel was seated in the chair with his legs spread wide. His strong, veiny hand was wrapped around his hard cock. He froze when you opened the door, pausing mid-stroke. You nearly scared him to death. He opened his mouth, but words didn’t come out. There was a look in your eyes that paralyzed him. He watched with bated breath as you closed the door behind you. You took your keys off the wall and suddenly he looked more embarrassed, like of course, that’s why you’re back.
He started to tuck himself away, but you shook your head, don’t. You stepped out of your shoes, and as soon as you pocketed your keys, you unbuttoned your pants. You took your underwear down with them and his eyes fell to your nakedness. He looked at you with his chest heaving, mouth watering, and rubbed his lips together as you crossed the room. He was holding his dick back against himself and cupping his balls with his other hand.
When you got to him, you widened your stance. You leaned forward and put your hands on his shoulders, then walked over his thighs. You stood there, hovering over his lap, then you took off your shirt and bra. One more step and you would be directly over his cock. “God damn, you’re hot,” he said to your tits, then took a deep breath.
“Heard you’re off the clock now,” you replied in a low, sexy voice.
“Guess I am,” he murmured, glancing up at your face.
You looked down at his stiff member, weeping with precum, and you wet your lips. He held it at attention for you and gently cupped your ass with his other hand. He gave it a light squeeze with his palm, prompting you to take that last step forward. His face looked about as needy as you were for his body on yours earlier. His cock looked delicious and its angry pink head was begging to be inside you. His girth was impressive, and it had been a long time for you, but you knew you could take him because you had never, ever been so ready. Your body yearned to be filled by his.
You lowered yourself onto him, and when his cock’s swollen head met your dripping entrance, you sighed as your body took him in. You sank right down, letting his girth spread you apart. You gasped when your bodies were flush and sighed as your body finished rearranging itself around him.
“Fuuck,” he breathed. He looked down at where your bodies met, then looked back up at you, astonished.
You gently rocked there, enjoying the fullness of him all the way inside you. His pubic bone, cushioned by neatly trimmed hair, rubbed against your clit and your pleasure built rapidly.
You began to lift and lower yourself on his rock-hard shaft and he grunted as his hips moved in rhythm with yours. Each time you claimed his full length, the tension inside you swelled. He looked back and forth between your eyes and mouth, then you kissed him. He eagerly accepted your mouth, and when your tongue parted his lips, he sucked with an, "Mmm." Your lips broke away only to whimper as you rode him, building quickly toward your orgasm. Your breath was hot against his cheek, and his against yours as you rode his thick cock. His head fell back with a moan.
“Easy. sugar. I’m not lastin’ long like this.” His voice amplified everything you were feeling. The next time you took his full shaft inside you, you stayed down and rocked your hips again.
“Fuck, you just feel too good,” he panted and a look of pain spread across his face. He held both your ass cheeks in his hands. His lips puckered with an exhale, his climax looming ever closer. You came down hard on his cock one last time and groaned as your tension released into something otherworldly. You clenched around him and a powerful flex of his strong arms abruptly lifted you by the ass, prying you off his cock.
He came as soon as his cock sprang out of you. Still in the throws of your own climax, you pulsed and moaned and and sat on his thighs watching the last of his cum dribble onto his uniform.
“Sorry,” he panted, catching his breath. He was self-conscious about the timing, even though you came.
“Shouldn’t have started without me,” you teased him. You sat there for a minute in silence and rested your head on his shoulder. He rubbed your back.
You asked him, “What were you thinking about?”
“Hmm?” he asked.
“When I walked in on you. What were you thinking about?”
He looked at the massage table. “How ‘bout I show you next time?”
-
As always, thank you SO much for your engagement! I love y'all so much. 🖤 I always notice and appreciate every comment and reblog even if I don't respond, prob trying not to flood my own comments lol.
PSA, PLEASE CHECK YOUR CONTENT SETTINGS. Many of my posts have been flagged very quickly recently even if they weren't explicit (like lincoln 1) so if you don't want to miss anything, you might want to follow me and check my profile regularly (filter to "my fics" from my header) or get on the joel tag list.
All joel: @ethanhoewke @silkiers @eiviea @evyiione @xdaddysprincessxx @queerly-anxious @chernayawidow @ambassadortotrilliusprime @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @jasminespringtime @romanarose @fandomsfallnomore @djarinxore @lokanda @blackvelveteen1339 @manazo @wolvesandvampires @taeslarityy @str84pedro @kyloispunk @filthfairy
#joel miller x reader#joel miller smut#joel miller fic#pedro pascal#joel miller fanfiction#pedro pascal fic#pedro pascal smut#toxicanonymity ☠️#NOT DARK#joel jacks off#massage therapist!joel#PPCU jacks off#PPCU jacks off ☠️#someone jacks off
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advice for you based on your favourite pasta
Jeff- Are you excited about the When We Were Young festival? I hope Dan and Phil come out with the gay flag and kiss just for you <3. How are your anger issues? Playing your music at volume 100 isn’t a substitute for therapy. Please go hug someone babe, having Jeff as your favorite in 2023 means you definitely need it.
Ben- I just know you’re funny, like your friends fucking love you. Either play video games or have a creative hobby. Ben stans are literally the best. Probably have awesome taste in music. My advice for you? It’s okay if you aren’t the happy one all the time, you aren’t a robot babe <3
Jack- I get academic overachiever vibes from you, like, you’re smart, and you know you’re smart. You probably read and have a letterboxd account. You’re effortlessly cool, and probably hot, but it’s okay to fail sometimes, you don’t have to be perfect <3
Toby- Hello mentally ill gay people no im jk all of you are mentally ill and gay its the creepypasta fandom lolz. You probably feel like you’re really annoying and cope via having Toby as your comfort character. Either you’ve been in therapy since you were twelve or you need to go. Try and prioritise yourself babe <3
Helen- ITS OKAY TO DO THINGS ALONE!!!!! You probably feel insecure about your lack of friends, or you feel like your social life sucks. Doing things alone is okay, it doesn’t make you a loser. You probably like art, and you’re probably fucking great at it. Don’t compare yourself to anyone babe <3
Liu- Do you have family trauma and/or feel like you’re gonna be alone for the rest of your life? Yeah checks out. Spend more time with people, I promise they aren't all bad. Go pet a dog, stand in the sunshine. Life is great sometimes <3
Jane- psst… it's okay to let your guard down. Idk if you knew that, but here I am telling you anyway. You’re a bad bitch, I know. You’re hot, I know. But not everyone wants to hurt you. Also, stop trying to take care of everyone around you <3
Nina- you probably got/get bullied for being different. I think its hot that you’re different. Sure, you belong in a 2007 scene meet-up and i’m sorry you aren’t there rn, but you have SO MANY secret admirers. Keep being you babe, don’t change for anyone <3
Clockwork- okay i’m just gonna say it. Sometimes being mean to people and pushing them away is a bad coping mechanism. I am saying this because I have the same coping mechanisms. We are the same. Please for the love of god stop clenching your jaw and let your guard down!!! <3
Sally- Either you’re one of the younger fans or you have serious trauma. You can’t go to places or listen to certain songs without wanting to throw up. Your hands are burning from holding onto your inner child so tightly. Hang in there, it’s gonna get better <3
#creepypasta#ben drowned#eyeless jack#homocidal liu#jeff the killer#clockwork#creepypasta headcanons#creepypasta imagines#creepypasta x reader#helen otis#ticci toby#jane the killer#nina the killer#sally williams
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May I request a headcannon about Sectoral heterochromia!MC that always hid their eyes with a mask (the one that Gojo wears) and one day they are ready to show their eyes to their lover
W/ Riddle,Azul,Rook,Vil,Lilia
(Their eye colours are mint green and pink Or you could make them Purple and yellow)
(okay, I looked up Gojo and his eyes are so pretty, I can't 😭 also, if there is an oc behind this....I wanna meet them please and thank you 😊)
There's not many things that Lilia hasn't seen. But he understands that compared to him you are quite young, and you haven't had the time he has had to get used to your own skin. So he's willing to wait. He knows you'll show him your beautiful eyes when you are ready.
And one day, you are. You're having a cuddle session, and Lilia is whispering enough affirmations to you that there is no world where you can't feel loved. And when you're timid voice speaks up and says you're ready to show him your eyes, he has to do his best not to let out an excited shout so that he doesn't scare you off.
He is immediately distracted by your pink eye when the mask comes off. He has pink eyes! It's like you're destined to be together! You can't help but laugh about how excited he is about that, which sets him spiraling off on how your mint green eye is just as good because the thorn fairy loves green!
Again, there is no way you can feel unloved when you're with this man. A part of you thinks it's silly that you ever felt self conscious, before he sees that thought cross your face, and tells you that it's alright, that was just your nervous system protecting itself can you tell I'm doing parts work in therapy lmao and that it is okay for you to protect yourself that way. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
Immediately wants to go back to the cuddle session. Don't get him wrong, he's really excited that you guys took this step forward together, but he is starting to get chilly again since you took a break from cuddling.
He's a little sheltered, let's be real. So when you tell him why you wear the mask all the time, he wants to tell you that he won't stare, but he can't be certain. He knows he'll love you no matter what, but still, he's not sure if you'd be comfortable with him staring.
So it's a growth thing for both of you. You both need to be ready for it. Riddle takes the time to get used to the idea, and you take the time to trust that Riddle isn't going to leave you or get scared of you over something like this. (He won't. He knows this. He loves you too much. But he won't push you on it.)
When both of you are ready, you do your best to make it as normal as possible (but both of you are nervous, so it's still a little stiff). The idea was you'd have a tea party at Ramshackle, where Riddle would arrive and the mask would already be off. Easy peasy.
Riddle knew he would stare. But he didn't expect that the staring would be from how beautiful your eyes were. Both of them are practically glittering like jewels. He tears up a little, once he realizes how amazing it is to see his true love's eyes for the first time. It's like he is falling in love all over again.
After he assured you he's crying from happiness, you go back to your tea party. You do your best to stop your heart from fluttering whenever you catch Riddle staring at you with pure love and adoration.
He wishes he had some authority to give you advice on. He wishes he could offer some way to help you build your confidence up… but considering he calls his past "the forbidden lore" he has absolutely no authority. So he'll just have to wait until you are ready.
Also, prior to you dating, when you showed up in his life, he may or may not have had Jade look into you for business purposes, and you may or may not have never forgotten that, even though you know full well that he no longer needs blackmail or a use a contract to get you to do what he wants.
So it takes a bit of time for you to be ready to show him your eyes. To him, you are perfect in every way so there's nothing to worry about, but again, he has absolutely no authority in the manner.
One day he offers a trade. He shows you his true form, if you show him your eyes. He even has a contract and everything, where if the day comes and either of you isn't ready, you can wait a little longer. But he thinks that if you both show your true selves at the same time, it might be easier.
So during the winter break, when Azul is certain there won't be many people on campus, you both go to one of the Octavinelle tanks, and he holds a potion, while you hold the corner of your mask. It's a "rip off the band-aid on three" kind of thing, and once you have both "transformed", it's very quiet in there.
You're struck with how beautiful he is. He's self conscious about this form? But he's so gorgeous! How can that be? Meanwhile he's having the exact same thoughts about you.
You both say, "You're so beautiful!" At the exact same time, and now you're both flustered. It's pretty cute actually, you're both acting like bashful young lovers and trying to one up each other on the compliments. And both of you end up coming to a new conclusion
It doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks of you, because the one who matters most thinks you're perfect.
This guy. *Sighs*
He lives to compliment people. It's his favorite part of being Le chasseur d’amour! He wants to compliment all of you, and this includes what he is positive are "the most beautiful eyes to ever grace any world". Most of the people on this list will let you do things on your own time. Rook Hunt is not most people.
He wants to read you like a book, and the eyes are the windows to the soul, non? Perhaps just a peak. He won't ask again! He promises he will be content if he just gets a peak.
Like Lilia, there's no world you can feel unloved with Rook. But his tactic here seems to be to annoy you enough that you forget that you are self conscious. And Rook is pretty good at strategy, so this plan is actually working.
"This moment would be most merveilleux if I could see the emotions that your mask hides from me."
"You are a cruel lover to deny me your radiant gaze."
"If I were your mask, I should cherish every moment that I got to behold your visage."
One day, you are in the midst of what is currently up to thirty minutes of a monologue on how "nothing would give my heart more joy than to be blessed with your holy gaze but once" when you just…rip off the mask.
What you don't expect is his hands immediately caressing your face as he kisses you with more passion than he ever has before (which is saying a lot, he's been written up for excessive pda multiple times at Pomefiore events he'd taken you to). When his mouth isn't on you he is breathlessly whispering about how "your godlike gaze is almost too much for this mortal being" and "Je peux mourir heureux maintenant que j'ai regardé le soleil."
You want to tell him to shut the fuck up, you're annoyed with him, but he's so passionate, and now you're getting all flustered and caught up in the moment, and you're forgetting what was happening a moment ago. The mask has a tendency to vanish from here on out. And the perfect hunter has no idea where it is. How strange! 😲
What Vil really wants is to know that the outfits he has designed for you will match your eyes. But he supposes that as long as they matched the mask it would be alright.
If you are okay with him doing your makeup, you'll hear him huff everytime he gets to the part where he'd normally do the eye makeup, but aside from that, he won't say anything.
He knows that his presence and beauty can be intimidating (Rook's words) and on top of that he knows that being his partner gets you some negative attention from some of his crazy fans. He gets that it has to be so easy for you to feel insecure about your eyes not matching. So, one day, he sits you down and takes your hand, and tells you that if you never are comfortable, that's fine. He'll support you.
He even designs masks for you. They are some of his favorite creations because his favorite person wears them. On a selfish note, they are a mark to everyone that you chose him.
He's so honored and flustered when you tell him that you won't wear the mask to the ceremony for the award he won. Honestly, he tears up a little, but he blots that away quickly, since he ran out of waterproof mascara yesterday. Asks if you are comfortable with Rook seeing your eyes first so that he can design the outfit and it'll be a surprise on the day. Like he'll get to fall in love with you all over again…or you know, whatever, he's just spitballing here.
If the answer is no, he will still be just as flustered when he picks you up at your door in the outfit he designed for you without seeing your eyes. Seeing your entire face, watching those eyes light up as they take him in, it's everything for him.
He's so proud when he receives his award, and gives a tear jerking speech where he thanks you for your love and support. Everytime someone comes up to congratulate him, he goes on and on about how beautiful you look tonight, and how happy he is to have you in his life. It's the human side of Vil no one usually gets to see, and that night, everyone there sees you as the perfect being that Vil does.
....
Tag list-@shytastemakerthing @stygianoir @leonia0 @lleoll @eccedentesiast-sapphic
#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#twst lilia#lilia vanrouge x reader#lilia x reader#lilia vanrouge#riddle rosehearts x reader#riddle x reader#twst riddle#riddle rosehearts#twisted wonderland riddle#twst azul#azul ashengrotto x reader#azul ashengrotto#azul x reader#twisted wonderland azul#rook x reader#rook hunt x reader#rook hunt#twst rook#twisted wonderland rook
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So what kind of a dad is q!Phil anyways?
So, Phil getting Tallulah and Chayanne to wear armour and learn how to fight. Also Bad doing this with Dapper, and the Brazilians trying to do this with Richas, and the french with Pomme, but when it gets discussed, it's mostly focusing on Phil because of the contrast of Wilbur not wanting his kids to have to fight. There's some really fun discussion that comes up with that!
And the interesting thing is that when we're trying to pull up other cultural touchpoints to compare phil-and-fighting-and-the-kids to, a lot of the other characters have very specific vibes, so to speak. I was in a discussion the other day where someone compared Phil in this with the dad in Supernatural, and him getting his sons to follow him on hunts. Cause he's a dad training his kids to fight, right? From a very young age? However, I don't think this is a perfect comparison, and I wanted to share the one that comes to mind for me, despite the fact that it deals with some pretty dark topics. This whole post deals with some dark topics, you might want to check the tags, just so you know.
Anyways, I never watched Supernatural, so I didn't do much more than think emoji in the moment when this comparison came up. But I checked in with friends who have watched it, and I think Phil QSMP and John Winchester Supernatural are acting from some pretty different places. John Supernatural is teaching his kids to fight because they have a duty and a lineage and have to help save the world, but at the same time there's this tragedy there that implies that he's so focused on his duty as a hunter that he's not seeing that maybe you don't need the kids for that. They could start when they were older—or maybe they could not start this! He essentially conscripts them into a battle that shapes the course of their lives, as little warriors, and they never have a choice in it. And he's not above using them as bait, because they're warriors, right? The battle is so important? They want to be involved, they want this (of course they want this, you're their dad, and they believe you that this is important). He's a true believer.
Whereas Phil is faced with a world that actively and constantly wants to kill his kids, and he's trying to train them to defend themselves. He's trying to say that there's danger out there, you take care of yourself, I'm going to put myself on the line for you, but if I fail, if I'm not there, you won't be defenseless if it comes down to it. I have had my beef with fics that take on this topic, in fact, because I've seen people write Phil as using his kids as bait to get to the codes or forgetting his kids in his code battle, and that's not how I interpret the character motivattion and actions. For me, the way I see it, Phil is always thinking of how best to defend the eggs, and everything else is in service to this. He's a man with anxiety on an island that wants to kill his kids, not a warrior in an epic battle.
Does this mean that the eggs are gonna grow up and go to therapy about their childhood full of danger? Hell yeah they wll. This is not an ideal childhood. But— and this is the crucial thing— they're going to grow up. Same with Dapper, same with Richas, same with Pomme— living your life under constant need to teleport out to safety is bad, objectively, but when the alternative is living in the moment until you die, I think the teleporting out is better, actually.
And the comparison that comes to mind for me, because of my personal experience, is not examples in media of parents training their kids to fight, but examples in media or in real life of parents dealing with serious and or terminal illness in kids. Cause that's what my family did. And boy is there resonance there.
I don't know of any parent of a kid with cancer who likes putting their kid through treatment. Chemotherapy sucks, radiation sucks, surgery sucks, immunotherapy sucks, none of this is good. I have seen this tear up parents (and siblings) inside. But it's better than letting their kids DIE, isn't it? And before you say well, obviously everyone is on the same page when it comes to things like chemotherapy, I have *seen* people go out there and post at cancer families about how they can't believe they're putting poison in their children's bodies when they should just eat better, etc. (This take reminds me strongly of the "she shoudln't wear armour cause she shouldn't have to fight" take about Tallulah.) Serious illness in kids forces you into terrible situations, but the only saving grace is that they're better than the alternative, you hope.
The only thing that makes me go ehhhhh maybe with Phil and the Mr Supernatural is him letting Chayanne fight, but Chayanne is a kid being hunted whose sister (also being hunted) is disabled, and this happens whether or not Chayanne is involved, and he wants to try and defend her so bad. I don't think saying "let her die if necessary, don't intervene" is going to be a conversation that ends up with less trauma, if you know what I mean. That is simply a situation that has no real win conditions out of it. At least this way he feels like he has some control? (Note: this is a bad situation, there's no getting around it.)
QSMP is so often a story about forces beyond our control trying to destroy us, and while Supernatural and its ilk also has that tone, within Supernatural there's at least a population that doesn't have to be part of the battle, so opting into the battle becomes on some level a choice, and involving children in that is also a choice, one that you can hold up to the standards of allowing children to have a childhood and go "is this ethical". On Quesadilla island, there's literally no opting out of this fight. There are malevolent forces that are directly trying to destroy you, destroy your children, and the question of allowing children to have a childhood has been effectively taken out of your hands. You simply have to do the best with the situation you have, and have a birthday party while keeping the armour on. And this reminds me much more strongly of situations like childhood cancer, than it does of cases in media of people concripting their children into battle.
In both cases children are trying to fight malevolent entities that want them dead, as pushed to fight by their parents, but boy, at least to me, the tone is pretty different. I think the question of "is it self defense or did you choose to be here" is pretty important.
#cw child death#cw cancer#cw childhood cancer#cw child abuse#discourse#qsmp#philza#fandom meta#bad dad phil discussion
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Softer Pt.2
I like October, it's my birthday month, and I finally finished the second part of Softer :p
Anyway, I think you can tell that I like the word need, necesitar, in Spanish or English sounds good :D and this is my favorite part, I think, I really like how they both turned out
Yandere!Fyodor x Reader
English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes
sumary: You tried to escape and now you have to take the consequences, but you make something change in Fyodor... (but the part 2 >:p) Pt.1
tw: yandere behavior, kidnapping, explicit self-harms, blood, manipulation, brainwashing, stockholm syndrome, reader needs therapy, self-blame, suicidal thoughts, mention of death (no one dies), blood loss, manipulation, trauma, mention of god, Fyodor is a fucking tw
It was three phases from your confession and your punishment.
Everything was perfect and nice for the first two weeks, until your cuts became scars. He seemed to go out of his way to make you feel good and loved by him, and you were very grateful. Now, you feel ungrateful to be complaining about his change.
After six weeks, your ribs healed and he began to distance you. When you noticed that, you panicked, you cried whole nights and days in your room because of this fact, how was it possible that something like this had affected you so much? You don't even know yourself, you just know that you wanted to pull out every hair on your body to forget about the emotional pain you were carrying.
And now, well, you can't be so horrible and say that Fyodor is back to his usual self, it's more like a strange mix, that comforts you. That this Fyodor is a mix of the previous ones makes you think he's trying to be gentle, but he's having a difficult time. You like to opine that that's the right reason for not sinking you further.
You wish you could say you hate normal Fyodor, but you can't hate any part of Fyodor and that worries you. What's been happening to you? Why are you behaving this way? Always looking for the terrorist's cold touch like an abandoned dog. Always waiting for him like a dog, loving him like one, messy, intense and ready to die for your owner.
Your mind was broken, atrophied and without any hope of repair. That scares you. You don't want this! You want your mind back! You miss being able to think about something else that isn't related to Fyodor. It's like being an intruder in your own mind, you no longer belong in that place full of happy memories, now blurred.
Sometimes you love your useless mind, you love believing in him the way you do, and you love how that seems to satisfy him. Maybe that's all your mind is looking for: to satisfy him.
Speaking of satisfying: he no longer seems to enjoy punishing you, which completely disorients you. All your life you were assuming that the only way to satisfy Fyodor was to let him mistreat you, but now? Now he was only touching you to give you light caresses. You don't want to be an idiot, you love that now your body doesn't suffer, but that doesn't take away from the fact that a small part of your skin is missing the pain. It's as if you were created to be hurt.
You convince yourself that you are ungrateful. Fyodor has changed for you, and you play the victim, saying that everything is so weird, poor you. You can't think about anything else besides yourself because you are a bad person, because you don't deserve the change Fyodor made for you.
It's not like before, everything is so much more comfortable in his presence, even if afterward he disappears for hours and makes your mind a prison of horrible thoughts, thoughts of firmly believing that it's your fault he's gone.
Physical contact has also changed, it is somewhat more common than with normal Fyodor, but it is nothing compared to gentle Fyodor. It really hurts you inside every time he is in front of you, and he isn't touching you or talking to you. Something is broken, and you don't quite know why. How needy of attention have you become in this time?
What did Fyodor do with your mind? You don't know. The horror of what he did to you is still in you, lurking like a shadow. It won't go away.
Sometimes there's a little voice deep in the back of your head, the only sane part left in you. It shows up on dark nights, when you're alone, makes you realize all the shit Fyodor put you through and how much he fucked up your mental health. You like having that little voice, it feels like getting over Fyodor somehow, it's a shame it disappears the next morning along with the first bite of breakfast.
Even though you listen to it, you never mind it, and that can be noticed by the need to not be able to bear it anymore, you need Fyodor so badly. You miss him every time he's gone. You miss the person who hurt you.
Maybe you really are going crazy.
You think about the fact that Fyodor took care of you after the punishment, when you were moribund and almost unable to move from the pain, and that his kind behavior ended after all your damages were healed.
You were about to do something crazy, you were aware of it, but you would give anything to feel that angelic temperature change again.
You have a sharp knife in your hand, you squeeze it so hard that your fist turns white. Fyodor never hides sharp objects, only pills, he knows you wouldn't be able to kill yourself with them out of fear.
Something tells you to kill yourself, to teach Fyodor a lesson.
Again your ungrateful thoughts come back, he already told you, you are just a brat. A fucking brat, and what you were doing now proves it.
But can you really blame yourself for this? You just need his attention, you need that love in his hands, you need him to care so much about you that he locks every drawer in the house.
That's why you're here now, in the bathroom, with your elbows resting on the sink and the knife almost brushing against your clean arm. About to kill a part of you to keep his gentleness alive.
You think about whether it's possible that he might be angry with you for this, for staining your skin with wounds without his permission. You think if he gets angry and punishes you it will also be worth it because there is a chance he will take care of you after that like the first time.
Maybe all you need to do is talk it over with him, maybe you need his naked body against yours to keep control, or maybe a simple kiss would be better. Maybe you should relax, maybe you should ask him for a hug, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe….
A cut and the blood starts to spread. You feel an immense urge to vomit, and you regret everything that led you to this moment.
You drop the knife limply and cover the wound with your now free hand. You watch the scene you've made for yourself with wide, shocked eyes. Why did you do all this? Just for Fyodor's attention? How pathetic of you.
You're like a child, crying and screaming, having a tantrum to get what you want.
You don't even heed your thoughts, and your gaze returns to the knife lying in the sink. The fright has dissipated and only silence remains. You need to cut more, how will you make Fyodor care about you with just one cut? You need more, you need to tear your arm if you have to, take your skin off, anything.
It's just a cut.
You move your hand away from the wound, blood is still coming out, but you don't care. You grab the knife, careful not to let it slip through the red fluid, and keep cutting.
It's just a cut, a few cuts, many cuts.
You stop when you get dizzy and lose your balance, drop the knife on the floor and miraculously you don't fall with it. You lean against the wall behind you and watch as the floor fills with your dripping blood. It's too much, too much, oh God, now you're going to die, aren't you? Is that what's going to happen?
You deserve to die, or at least you convince yourself of it, you're just a useless entity in Fyodor's house, what other function do you do here besides pursuing him? It would be like a punishment for being so selfish, for loving Fyodor so much.
Sometimes it surprises you how much you hate yourself just because you are you. Would you hate Fyodor the same way if he were like you? You don't even need to think about it, you already know the answer.
You hear footsteps outside the bathroom. Of course, you made some noise when you dropped the knife and almost fell yourself in the process. Fyodor had to notice, wait, that meant that Fyodor was paying attention to you and the noises you were making. He could just stay absorbed in his work, but no, he's here now.
Three soft knocks on the door are enough to make you tremble.
"Everything okay?"
You cry the instant you hear his voice, yes, there's the soft Fyodor. You recognize hints of tenderness and concern in his voice., you can recognize it.
You shouldn't have cut yourself off, now you change your mind and you don't want Fyodor to see you this way, weak and unbearable. If he realizes that you can't live without him by your side, you're sure he'll leave you, that you'll be too annoying for him and he'll go back to being his old self, this time forever, or until he gets rid of you, until he finds someone better than you. That would be easy.
If there is a God up there, you beg him to let you die. There is no answer. You're left to face your actions alone.
"I've done a stupid thing…"
You still have time to think better of it, you can still barricade yourself in the bathroom and die there. But these are your actions, your consequences.
You shakily open the door.
The look on Fyodor's face is one you've never seen, that keeps you from lowering your head with shame. You've never seen so many emotions in him, all at once, like a whirlpool.
Have you been able to generate that? You don't know whether to consider it a good or bad thing, but a flow of pride runs through your veins.
Fyodor whispers your name, breathless, his accent thickening even more. A part of you actually believed that what you did to yourself would not affect him in any way, how foolish, of course it would affect him. He is human, you are human, but still something tells you that Fyodor is anything but human. His eyes now show you otherwise.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry! I'm such an idiot! I didn't mean to bother you."
Fyodor takes only a few seconds to drag you back into the bathroom. He turns on the sink faucet and guides your arm down the stream of water. It hurts like hell, but complaining doesn't even cross your mind, after all, Fyodor probably stopped doing something important just to cure your mess, you can't give him any more trouble.
Your mind would like to escape your body, but you don't let it because without it you wouldn't be able to feel Fyodor behind you, pressing his chest against your scarred back.
As he runs a soaked towel against your cuts, you decide to lean against him, he doesn't push you away, and you take it as a small victory.
Your brain won't let you enjoy of the moment, giving you reminders of everything the Russian had done to you: the scars on your back, all over your body, the agonizing nightmares, the silent and devastating nights. All a fucking reminder, and yet here you are, against his body.
Your thoughts linger in that confined space until your arm is tight between messy bandages. His hand reaches for yours and your fingers intertwine.
You fear his potential annoyance, his potential punishment. He provokes unique feelings in you, and you love him, but he is terrible, he is just terrible.
Fyodor lets out a sigh, and you know instantly that you are selfish. He is tired, he has better things to do besides taking care of a brat, but still he is still with you. Fyodor is such a merciful being when it came to you, he wouldn't be this way with anyone else, only you. You feel your chest tighten with warmth.
"Fyodor…" You don't want to speak too loudly or break the silence in the room. You try to keep your thoughts in the same rhythm as your voice, quiet and low. You need to be okay, for Fyodor's sake.
"Why?" He squeezes your hand. There is no emotion in his voice, and you feel guilty of your disappointment at that. "Why did you do it?"
"I-" The words decided not to come out of your mouth and closed your throat in a knot, a very painful knot.
What were you supposed to say? Wouldn't admitting your need for attention make you sound like a spoiled child? A brat?
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you." You say hastily, trying to find words to make Fyodor happy, so he won't hate you for your reckless actions.
"You don't bother me." Bullshit, Fyodor is an almost pathological liar, you should know that, it should be burned into your memory. You'd like to believe him. "Is this why you did all this? Because you think you're bothering me?"
You wish the answer was as easy as that. You shake your head.
"Then why?"
"I needed you." It's not a good explanation, there are a lot of loose questions left, but how else can you tell him? Every time you speak, it's like scratching your throat.
"Needed me? You mean my attention?" You nod, feeling a humiliation run down your throat. "I was with you all these days, what more attention do you want from me?"
It's like a stabbing, like the cuts he gave you on your back. It showed, from afar, you were just a pet that can't be away from its owner or it would break into pieces. You shouldn't be crying either, you have no good reason to.
"Hey, no, stop." He turns your body without effort. All you do is keep your head down, full of shame, though it doesn't last long, as his free hand lifts it up and lands against your cheek. You don't deserve it, you can't even stop crying. "What did I say? Why are you crying this time?"
"I'm a spoiled brat." You lean against his cold hand, you needed his touch so badly.
"You're not, you just wanted me to give you attention, that's not a bad thing."
"It is! I'm being selfish." The sobs interrupt you, and you close your eyes, you don't want to look at Fyodor. How can you ask for love and attention from Fyodor when you yourself don't know how to love properly?
"Selfish? Why?" Your reason that the only reason for his question is to make you humiliate yourself, to make you admit that you are a nuisance.
"B-Because you were probably busy, I'm just bothering you trying to get your attention…"
"I want you to pay close attention to me right now, can you do that?" Even if you couldn't do it, you would anyway. You're not lying when you nod in response. He's all you can think about and fixate on, everything else is ephemeral and useless, nothing else is needed for you.
"Good... You don't bother me, I understand you want more attention from me, I made your mind that way anyway. Stop feeling bad about doing things you're programmed to do." Hearing him admit that, is like a war in your head, you should care that Fyodor played with your mind like a stuffed animal, but what you should is not the same as what you do. It feels like a relief to know that it is Fyodor is causing it all, and it's nicer than you ever imagined.
Your mind will never go back to normal after this. You will never be the same after this. That's okay, you can live with it as long as you have Fyodor by your side.
You collapse against him, hugging him with no intention of letting go. He accepts you in his arms. Now everything is warm again like it was that time, you needed it so badly after everything that had happened.
"It's just that you've been acting more distant and I thought-" Do you really want to keep talking and sobbing nonsense? You have no intended trajectory with your words.
You just hope Fyodor understands you, it's the only thing that will give you calm.
"I'm sorry…"
"It's okay, no need to cry anymore, моя крошка." His hands on your back undeniably comfort you. His touch feels like fire, but it doesn't burn, it just leaves a trail of warmth and desire everywhere it passes.
You are a sensitive, desperate mess, and no one knows how to love you but Fyodor. He is the God you have always pleaded to, now you understand why he never granted your wish to die.
"This is strange for me. I've never cared for anyone before, and I really don't want to hurt you unintentionally." And there's your long-awaited why. It's warmer than you could have ever thought, your heart is silently grateful. He's trying, that's good enough for you.
Maybe you can't go back to that first day of care after punishment, maybe you can't go back to that new and gentle Fyodor, but those are things that happen and that's okay.
You nod, oblivious to your own reality, everything feels correct. "I get it, it's okay, yeah. You don't have to worry, I'm fine now."
But you keep crying.
You don't know or need to know how long you stood there, holding each other as if both of your lives depended on it. In total silence until Fyodor's voice broke it. No doubt that's your favorite tune.
"моя любовь, I never responded properly to your confession, did I?" He never did, but he never denied it. There was always a glimmer of hope that you took as the word yes, as total acceptance of your feelings.
You look at him with enlightened eyes, you wished that what your mind was imagining was real.
"I love you too."
Fyodor's love is paralyzing. You notice it now.
my favorite part is the dog part, idk, I like how it turned out
#bsd x reader#bsd x you#bsd fyodor#fyodor x reader#fyodor x y/n#fyodor x you#fyodor#yandere fyodor#fyodor dostoyevsky bsd#bsd x y/n#yandere bsd#yandere
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WHAT YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS SAYS ABOUT YOU: YTTD EDITION
PART 1) THE PARTICIPANTS
SARA CHIDOUIN:
You can’t stop praising her about how amazing of a protagonist she is compared to other protags in similar games such as danganronpa. You would and WILL fight anyone that says anything bad about your homegirl an you DEFINITELY need therapy
JOE TAZUNA:
You have the terrible habit of falling immediately in love with the best friend archetype that we met in the beginning who’s clearly gonna die. When they die you keep telling yourself you won’t be fooled again and then you do. Anyway you are in denial
KEIJI SHINOGI:
You keep justifying you love for him by using the “he’s a complex character, he’s deep and shit” but that’s just an excuse to not say “i want him to carnally fuck me and treat my little bitch with his huge arms and tits”. Whatever sexuality you were before, his deep look probably turned you gay. Anyhow you are horny as fuck and you definitely need therapy, you little whor-
REKO YABUSAME:
Either you are the the most gay motherfucker on the planet or you’re veeeeeeeeeeery straight. you’re favorite ship is naoreko. NEVERTHELESS you want her to step on you.
Q-TARO BURGERBERG:
there is exactly two type of q-taro fans, The meme lord or the 20 page Reddit post defending his character from any criticism. We allllll know which ever type of fan you are, you cried like a baby in his final moments.
KAZUMI MISHIMA:
You definitely made every possible outcome in ytts, an replayed it multiple times. You probably follow “ mishima-in-places-he-shouldnt-be” and is still sad that this gentle loving dude had to die first why it is. always. the. cool. dudes. who. dies. first., WHY, WHY NANKIDAI ?
KANNA KIZUCHI:
You are awesome, smart, and just the perfect person to be around, you’re aura smells pure awesomeness, no, NO i am not biased.at.all it’s not like she’s my profile picture.
In all seriousness, you probably crave any green bling content and also loves shin too but kanna passion and pure kindness made you make the choice to kill shin. It seemed to difficult to vote for a kid so you voted shin. You relate to kanna struggles And ADORES her character development in 3b. Also you definitely need many therapy session (not projecting at all) .
NAO EGOKORO:
If being a joe fan is sadness, a greenbling fan depression, well being a nao fan is literal despair and anger with anguish. Bro what the fuck did she do to have such an horrible end like that, her entire experience in the death game was a pure nightmare. Homegirl did nothing wrong, she shouldn’t literally even be here dude😭😭. You have only one consolation is that now she’s in heaven with her girlfriend, also obviously you ship naoreko
GIN IBUSHI:
You are right in fact you are 99.99 percent of the fandom. And i know that if one day you see anyone put gin below S tier or say anything relatively negative about him, you WILL find them, you WILL track them , and you’re gonna BOIL THEM ALIVE. And i will probably cheer you so go on, pop off, girlboss or mansplain bestie !
KAI SATOU:
You are mesmerized by his beautiful aura and luscious long mane. Every time the characters talk about him you feel so much happiness that his sacrifice was in the end really worth it, but still you cry that the cutest malewife had to go first.
ALICE YABUSAME:
His atrocious hair made you burn your eyes, his cringe fail personality made you laugh but his death destroyed you entirely. In the end you fell for this transmasc king. If you played logic rote you probably died a second time lol.
S H I N T S U K I M I:
Shin tsukimi, oh, Shin Tsukimi the character of all time. So from what i understand he’s your favorite character. Were you the weird kid in your class when you were in high school or that one queer kid that tried to hide your identity but everyone knew just by a single look? Just by looking at you i can see a lot of self loathing and unaddressed personal issues that you try hiding under a rug instead of actually addressing them. Do you take time to eat, to drink, don’t forget to take a break from negativity when you are at your lowest, okay ? Diagnosing you is pretty hard you probably have a thousand problems but at least, i hope, not as much as this little dumbass. There is two type of shin fans:
-the one who want to punch him, shove him into a locker and bully him
-the one who want to give him a warm hug, a nice soup and a good night of sleep. In both cases, you are exactly like him and projecting so hard onto him. Also you are supeeeeeer gay like extra gay. Like your aura smells GAY you know. No cis het allo kinnie of shins exist actually, it’s as possible as dividing 0 by 0.
So conclusion go to therapy
KUGIE KIZUCHI:
Ao3 is your god, your lord and everything that you need to live. Every time ao3 get down you die inside. You crave any content of her and wish that we can know more in the future about her (i do too) and you probably feel in love with her trough fanfic.
MEGUMI SASAHARA:
You guys exists? Well you like evil boss woman, i guess.
This shit full of errors and mistakes also this is a joke don’t get offended, remember as a greenbling fan i am probably the least respected type of yttd fan, well above the keiji simps you guys are wild.
#yttd#kimi ga shine#your turn to die#sara chidouin#joe tazuna#keiji shinogi#reko yabusame#alice yabusame#kazumi mishima#gin ibushi#kai satou#q-taro burgerberg#nao egokoro#kanna kizuchi#shin tsukimi#kugie kizuchi#megumi sasahara
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Foster Household: Chapter 8, Part 5
Harvey, Kayleigh and Carson take dinner to Reece and Samir. Carson has his first lot of exams and takes a trip with Kayleigh.
Harvey: Did you avoid detention today
Carson: Yeah dad, that’s why I’m home already
Harvey: Very good. Now we don’t have much time so do anything you need to do quickly
Carson: What do you mean
Harvey: Keira and Marta will be having the house for a few hours tonight
Carson: And we will be…
Harvey: Oh, you know… visiting Reece for dinner
Carson: Dad what? No
Harvey: I’m making a meat pie especially. Reece says Samir likes meat
Carson: Why couldn’t we go to Charlie’s instead
Harvey: Your mum wants to check on if they’ve used the money we gave them for Reece’s birthday
Carson: Well I hope you enjoy watching me die of boredom and irritation
Harvey: Carson please try to remember it’s your brother’s house, it’s not wise to pick fights in another person’s home
Kayleigh: Is the pie all done
Harvey: Almost, I just want to get the crust perfect
Carson: Mum I don’t want to go
Kayleigh: Carson in life there are things we may not want to do, but we should do. This is one
Carson: *sighs dramatically*
Kayleigh: Oh honey these counters look great, and I’m so glad you got an oven
Reece: Yeah it took a bit of connecting but it seems to be working now
Carson: *sarcastically* Yipee for you
Samir: *through food* Don't be rude
Reece: It’s alright Samir, you know Carson can’t help being an annoying git
Kayleigh: Reece-
Carson: No don’t stop him mum. Lets hear more about how I’m failing in my life compared to the shining example he’s setting running away to a cabin in the woods
Reece: I haven’t run away from anything
Carson: Yes because you’re knee deep in university work befitting your “genius”
Samir: *growls then fake coughs*
Reece: For your information I have applied to universities and I’m waiting to hear back
Carson: I bet you don’t even have a recycling bin
Reece: No Carson, we don't have a recycling bin. We like to burn our trash, letting large clouds of pollution out into the woods I’ve run away to
Carson: Did that just to spite my asthma did you
Reece: I didn’t even know you had asthma
Harvey: Boys! We should switch topics
Reece: Yes, lets. I would love to hear how you both knew to buy Samir a violin for my birthday
Kayleigh: Carson heard him telling you about it
Reece: I knew it!
Kayleigh: What do you mean honey
Reece: Samir and I have only talked about him playing the violin when he was a kid when we were out of the house on a date
Samir: *through food* It’s true
Reece: So, Carson, you could only have known from reading my diary
Carson: Thought all that up by yourself did you? Wow, guess you really are a genius
Samir: *growls*
Carson: The hell
Samir: *fake coughs* bad throat
With Carson feeling ashamed at being caught reading Reece’s diary again he stays quiet for the rest of the meal which goes much more smoothly.
With dinner finished Reece blows Samir a kiss as he heads off to relax in a bath where he doesn’t have to talk to anyone.
Reece: So you have asthma
Carson: Yes, go ahead and laugh
Reece: Bro I wouldn’t make fun of you for something you’re born with, that’s just rude. Like have I ever made fun of you needing glasses
Carson: Well no
Reece: Exactly! Now come give me a hug you budget pirate. And in all sincerity maybe try therapy for your angry obsession with me
Carson: I am NOT obsessed
Carson: Do you think I need therapy
Keira: I think we all need therapy
Carson: I’m being serious
Keira: I don’t know what goes on in your head
The next day dawns and Kayleigh, having reached 60, is starting to show some grey.
Kayleigh: Goodbye completely brunette hair, I shall miss you
Harvey: I think the silver roots are nice
Kayleigh: Guess I better switch up my wardrobe so I don’t wear short shorts anymore
Harvey: I vote for short shorts at any age
Kayleigh: I just really like my thigh tattoo, I don’t want it covered all the time
Keira: You okay dad
Harvey: Not really, I’ve got sweaty shivers
Keira: Take the day of work then
Harvey: Maybe I should
Carson heads downstairs. He couldn’t get to sleep last night, worrying about what Reece had said. He certainly wasn’t obsessed with Reece but sometimes he felt a bit… different. He’s a recycle disciple, he wants to search through trash but… lately he has felt the need to wash extra thoroughly afterwards.
Carson: Hey dad
Harvey: *groggily* yes sir
Carson: Maybe I should go to a psychiatrist or something
Harvey: Hmm. It’s not that I don’t want to have this conversation, it’s that the room is spinning… I’m sure mum can take you after school if you want though
As soon as Carson gets to school he’s hit with a coughing fit thanks to his asthma. It’s not an attack but certainly leaves him feeling worse.
Angel: Hey Carson wait up
Carson: Can’t talk. Heading to gym
Angel: But you almost coughed up a lung back there
Carson: No I didn’t
Carson is full of confidence when he gets to the gym area and runs with his chest out on the treadmill for a while.
With one before school duty done he decides to take the workout machine for a spin.
William: What are you doing
Carson: *puffing* working out
William: Angel said your asthma was acting up
Carson: My asthma doesn’t act up, I make sure. I’m fine now
William: Well you’d better hurry up. Exams start soon and I’m sure my older brother won’t have managed to screw with the printing of two sets of exams in a row
Carson: Right I just need a shower first
Mrs T: Come in everyone. Please take your seats, we will begin soon
Onyx: Can we end soon as well
Darwin: I know! I totally forgot Fridays were exam day
Mrs T: You will all have one hour to write down your answers. Remember, if you don’t know an answer, you can always skip it and return to it once you’ve reached the end
Darwin: Can I skip the whole thing
Mrs T: No Darwin, you can’t. Although if you’d like Mr Amarinth to observe another of our classes to make sure we’re learning feel free
The whole class groans in response.
Paola: Don’t you dare Darwin, I’m this close to getting a detention from that guy
Darwin: Suits me
Amie: Don’t be an idiot, just shut up and do your paper
Mrs T: We will begin when the second hand reaches the 12
Carson did his best to write some answers but still being new to the subjects made him uneasy. He found himself tapping his pencil so often that his paper ended up resembling a dalmatian with 101 spots.
Darwin: You all right dude? Your paper was a mess
Carson: How would you know
Darwin: You were the only person in front of me
Carson: So you looked at my paper
Darwin: I would have studied but I forgot exams were Fridays
Carson: I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine
William: You seem stressed though
Carson: Have you seen Onyx
William: Yeah I think they headed to the next exam room already
...
Carson: What are you doing in here
Onyx: Hoping to learn by osmosis before the exam starts. Mother is not pleased at me getting that detention. I just want a horse man
For the afternoon exam Mrs Tinker puts her headphones on so the students take the opportunity to whisper quietly as they make their way through the paper.
Carson: You don’t think it’s too weird do you
Onyx: Nah. If you think you’ve got an issue it’s surely better to get it checked on sooner rather than later or you’ll end up a twisted adult
Carson: Thank you, I think
Onyx: Anytime mate
Darwin: Amie move your shoulder
Amie: Do your own work
Mrs T: *still wearing headphones* 1 minute left
William: Wait did she even do the 10-minute call or did I miss it
Onyx: Oh hey Carson, we should all get dinner tonight after your appointment
Carson: Yeah… after my appointment
Onyx: I’ll be thinking of you buddy
Before Carson heads home he returns some books to the school library and grabs some new ones.
William: Carson!
Carson: Hmm?
William: Don’t worry about the appointment, you’ll be great
Carson: Thanks mate
Kayleigh: Just remember honey, the most important thing here is to be honest
Carson: Uh huh
Kayleigh: Come sit. Even if you think it’ll upset me or your dad, you tell them okay
Carson: I will try mum
Kayleigh: At least this place seems nice right
Carson: Yeah I guess
Kayleigh: I must ask who did that mural, it’s wonderful
Carson: Yeah
?: Carson Foster?
Carson: Yes
Dr H: I’m Dr Xander Hanks, I’m the psychiatrist here. It’s nice to meet you
Carson: Yeah. Nice to… meet you
Dr H: And I see you’ve brought a support person today
Carson: It’s my mum
Kayleigh: I’m Kayleigh Foster
Dr H: A pleasure. If you’ll follow me we can sit down and get introduced properly
Dr H: Let me tell you a bit about myself. Following medical school I did my first internship at Britechester's main hospital. After that I completed my training as a psychiatric resident at the hospital in Magnolia Promenade. My specialisation is adolescent health. However I have treated younger patients and continued to see some of the older teen patients until they’re ready for discharge
Carson: That’s… nice?
Dr H: So Carson, want to tell me my why you’ve come to see me today
Carson: I don’t really know
Dr H: That’s okay. Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself?
Carson: Well I’m 14. Ahhh… I guess I care about the environment, I like art and archaeology. I don’t really know what else
Dr H: How about your family? Can you tell me a bit about them? Your mother is obviously well known
Carson: *chuckles* yes, best artist around
Kayleigh: I dabble
Carson: Then there’s dad, he’s a fisherman and a great cook
Dr H: Do you cook with him
Carson: Not really but we would go fishing together sometimes when I was a kid
Dr H: And how about siblings or pets
Carson: I’m the youngest of four. My oldest sister Charlie is a pro soccer player, she lives in Mt Komorebi now with her wife Kaori who is getting well known for snowboarding
Dr H: Kaori Nishidake? I have heard of her
Carson: Yeah she’s pretty great at it. Then there’s Keira who just finished her biology degree. She and her fiancé Marta are staying with us at the moment but they’ll be moving to San Sequoia so Keira can get a job at the Marine Life Institute
Dr H: Any others
Carson: *sighs* well yeah there’s Reece my older brother
Dr H: Why did you sigh just now
Carson: Me and Reece… we don’t get on
Dr H: How much older is he than you
Kayleigh: He’s just turned 19 so five years difference
Dr H: Have you always had disagreements or is this a recent change
Carson: I don’t really remember
Kayleigh: They did argue a lot over the years. It’s not been a recent fall out or anything
Dr H: And how about pets? Do you have any
Carson: *laughs* No which is good because I found out I have asthma
Dr H: Oh? When did they figure that out
Carson: When I turned 13
Dr H: And how are you coping with that diagnosis
Carson:…
Previous ... Next
#sims 4#the sims#the sims 4#R0808#ChangingPlumbobStorytime#FosterHousehold#HarveyFoster#KayleighFoster#CarsonFoster#ReeceFoster#SamirHadji#KeiraFoster
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Witchcraft for Dancers: A Masterpost
(part 1? we'll see)
as a ballet student and aspiring professional dancer, i've been experimenting for a while on using witchcraft to aid in success in my ballet career and help heal bruises, blisters, and other minor injuries. vice versa, i also use dance in my craft in many ways! this is a post compiling tips, tricks, recipes, and spells that combine dance and magic for my fellow dancer witches.
For a Dancer's Aches and Pains
disclaimer: injuries, especially severe ones, cannot be healed by magic alone! always see a physical therapist if you are experiencing pain aside from your usual soreness.
How to Make Calendula Salve - useful for dry skin, callouses, floor burn, minor scrapes/cuts, and more. the calendula plant is associated with solar magic, healing, and prosperity.
Epsom Salt - a common remedy for post-dance class swelling or soreness is to take an Epsom salt bath! Epsom salt can be found for a fairly cheap price at your local store, and pouring a little in your bathtub shouldn't take much effort/energy. in magic, salt is mainly used for cleansing and purification of a space, an object, or (in this case) one's body and energy.
Mugwort - a small tip i learned while studying West Country English folk magic was that inserting a little bit of fresh mugwort in your shoes helps to ward off fatigue while walking. i personally like to translate this to my dancing by putting some in my pointe shoes with the intent to keep away tiredness during classes and rehearsals.
A "Heal-All" Oil Recipe - one of mine! this is a multipurpose infused oil for use in healing spells and as an ointment. i have yet to test this one out, but you could use it to anoint places on your body that are sore or aching with the intent to heal.
Purification Balm for Self-Healing - this balm is directed more towards mental health and purifying one's energy. good mental health is a vital component of a person's overall health, and especially so for a dancer, because we're constantly comparing ourselves to our classmates/co-workers and striving for perfection. as the creator of this video said, it's beneficial to take a step back and assess your own wellbeing and energy before trying to fix anything else, which is something this balm is designed to help do. of course, because of the hydrating and nourishing ingredients that this balm contains, it can be used similarly to the calendula salve for burns, cuts, blisters, and callouses.
A Charm to Relieve Pain - another bit of West Country magic i learned recently. this one is perfect for relieving muscle pain, cramps, and soreness from dancing!
For Audition & Performance Nerves
disclaimer: if you feel that your anxiety is disabling or severely affecting you, please see a therapist or a psychiatrist before using magic. you may benefit from regular therapy sessions and anti-anxiety medicine if your mental health is suffering.
Lavender - lavender is a wonderful anti-anxiety herb! using a little roll-on lavender essential oil on my wrists before an audition or performance is my easiest go-to method to calm my nerves and clear my mind. if you're a tea-drinker, consider making some iced lavender tea to bring with you in a water bottle. if you have a green thumb, growing a lavender plant is great because you can 1) connect with it (talk to it as it's growing, etc.) and 2) take little sprigs of it and put them in your dance bag when needed.
Worry Stone River Spell - if you live by a creek or river, this is something you can do in the days leading up to your audition/performance if your nerves are overwhelming you.
Grounding yourself - one of my favorite ways to ground myself either during an audition or before a performance (in a warm-up class) is to put a lot of my energy and focus into the first few barre exercises the teacher gives, rather than worrying about the tougher combinations that are coming up. in a ballet audition, judges will often look for a dancer's musicality/technique/artistry in their plies and tendus. knowing this, i find it calming and useful to give my all to those combinations and establish my technique for the rest of the class.
Soothing Scrub - if you're like me and also get bad nerves after everything's done, especially while waiting on results from an audition, this shower scrub is a perfect way to cleanse yourself and calm down when you come home from dance.
Tiger's eye - tiger's eye crystals help with motivation, reassurance, confidence, and grounding. if you are able, i personally recommend purchasing a bracelet made of tiger's eye beads for convenience. if not, you can also carry a tiger's eye stone in your dance bag.
Amethyst - amethyst crystals are good for countering feelings of anxiety, as well as promoting mental clarity and wisdom.
Anti-anxiety sigils - some anti-anxiety and anti-stress sigils i've found online are here, here, here, here, and here. you can write down the ones that resonate, and if none do, there are a plethora of methods with which you can make your own! here is a good video on the creation of sigils. i suggest putting sigils in hidden pockets in your dance bag, writing them inside your dance shoes, drawing them on your wrists with oil, or drawing them in foundation on your face while doing stage makeup.
Anti-Anxiety Spell Jar - if you have a certain place where you store your dance supplies (either at home or in a locker at your studio), you can place this jar there to give your leotards, tights, and shoes a comforting magical energy.
For Success and Luck in Dance
Success Candle Spell - this is a great video to take inspiration from to build a candle spell for success! when i'm doing success workings for dance opportunities and audition outcomes, i like to personalize and specify them with dance-related sigils. the shape of one i made a while back resembled a sketch of a dancer, and the intent was specific to my goals.
Four-leaf clovers - a popular superstition that has ties in folk magic is the luck of finding a four-leaf clover. storing one of these in your dance bag is sure to bring good luck to your artistic endeavors!
Pointe shoes - a ballet dancer's pair of pointe shoes are incredibly important, and can be treated as a magical tool if you wish. nowadays, everything i do to a new pair of pointe shoes is infused with the intent of success and growth. when i sew the ribbons and elastics onto the shoes, i will often use knot magic when i reach the end of the thread. i usually sew my new shoes on a friday night, and leave them to charge with crystals on my altar overnight before wearing them for the several hours i dance on saturdays and sundays. (of course, you can find a way to do this that works with your personal schedule). when breaking them in, i visualize them molding to perfectly fit my feet and support the turns, jumps, and balances i will do while wearing them.
Color magic - if color magic is a part of your practice, i would encourage you to find ways to incorporate it into your stage makeup. if your studio/school doesn't have a uniform/is less strict with the uniform, you can do this with leotards/shirts as well. red, orange, green, and gold all have common associations with energy, motivation, luck, joy, and success in modern witchcraft.
Orange Peel Tea - while the original post wasn't specifically made with success in mind, this is still a great recipe because orange peels typically correspond with joy, good fortune, creativity, and solar magic.
that's all (that i can think of at the moment) for part 1! i might make a part 2 to this post depending on how useful people find it.
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Sorry (part 2)
Pairing: Reader/Billy Russo
Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness.
A/N: Wasn’t really planning on doing a part two, yet here we are lmaooo Best part is, this isn’t even the last one lololol
—--------------------
Your head was leaning on the cool glass of the window, the cab rocking a little and lulling you in and out of sleep. You barely got a wink of sleep the night before and you were exhausted. It had been a little over a year since the incident with Billy and a lot had changed. You’d changed. You’d been really messed up after what happened and you hadn't been able to shake it. So you’d decided to pack your shit and move just outside of the city. The idea of possibly running into Billy or someone he knew really didn't sound fun and you really hoped a fresh start would stop you feeling so shitty. But it hadn't really helped at all. So a friend suggested therapy. You'd been reluctant at first but decided to try it. You really couldn't shake the miserable feelings surrounding you and you knew it wouldn't hurt to at least try. And you were glad you had. You'd learnt a lot about yourself.
Something you and Billy had bonded over at the start of the fling you’d had was to do with the fact you’d both been unwanted by your parents. You’d ended up adopted though by the time you were two, so you didn't have any memories of it really. You were raised by a couple and not in a group home. You knew you were lucky compared to those like Billy who hadn't been wanted by anyone and were raised by the state, which is why it hurt so much when he made the comment about why anyone would love him if his own mother couldn't. But while you were lucky compared to some kids, your home life had been far from perfect. Your adopted parents had hated each other, deciding to adopt to fix their broken marriage. Needless to say, it hadn't worked. You grew up seeing a marriage that was toxic, thinking love was hurt and pain. You remembered hiding in your room as they screamed at each other, hearing things break. They were both as bad as each other and as soon as you turned 16, you’d moved out and barely spoke to them. They’d taken you in but didn't really care. You hadn’t fixed their marriage like they had hoped, so you were useless to them. You were left to fend for yourself for the most part and they’d always tried to rope you into their fights and chose a side. You knew it wasn't great but you thought you’d moved on from it. But your therapist had told you that subconsciously you hadn't. Through seeing this from a young age, you associated love and relationships with pain and anger. It hadn't been a conscious effort on your behalf to avoid relationships because of this. You really didn't think it bothered you anymore, yet a part of your brain somewhere hadn't let go and felt like it was protecting you. You remembered as a teen, seeing your peers having their first relationships. You’d not been interested, not seeing what the fuss was about. Seeing your friends crying over boys who had broken their hearts. And it had only reaffirmed the subconscious thoughts you’d had. And that's how you ended up the way you were. You didn't see the point in relationships because you didn't want pain. It all felt so clear now you knew the truth but before therapy, you really had no idea why you were the way you were. Things made more sense to you now. And while it didn't excuse what you did to Billy, you were glad to have answers that made you see that it happened for a reason and not just because you were a selfish bitch.
You sighed, seeing the familiar sights of NYC. You hadn't been back here since and it made you feel uneasy. You’d hidden yourself away at your new home, working there as a transcriber and living a wildly different life than what you were used to. You didn't feel the need to see casual sex partners anymore now you knew yourself better, but you hadn’t been bothered to try and find someone to have a potential relationship with either. You didn't have any new friends where you were, and since you worked from home, it wasn't like you had colleagues to talk to. The one person you did speak to however was Karen. Surprisingly, she’d stayed in touch with you after you left. She first reached out a month after you’d left. She was checking how you were. You’d been shocked she bothered at all but you had gotten on really well with her back when you were there. It turned into a routine then. Once a week she would call and check in and sometimes text you randomly. You thought she’d be upset after what happened with Billy, she was friends with him first after all. But she’d told you she knew there were two sides to every story. She’d been the one to suggest therapy to you. And you told her everything. Every detail you uncovered about yourself in those sessions, you ended up telling Karen as you made sense of it and she’d been so supportive of you, you felt like you hadn't deserved it. But you were grateful to her. Because without her, you’d be truly alone and she was a good friend. She’d been so happy that therapy was going well for you, that you were learning about yourself. And she never once made you feel bad about what happened with you and Billy. She’d called you the night before, hence the cab ride here, and you felt dread curl low in your stomach as you remembered the call.
~~~~
“I really don’t think it's a good idea, Karen,” you sighed down the phone. You were curled up on the sofa, the TV muted as you spoke to her. The very idea made you feel panicked.
“Please? I haven't seen you in so long and it's gonna be my birthday. I’d really love for you to be there,” she pleaded down the phone.
“But Billy-” you started protesting, only to be cut off by her.
“I already spoke to Billy, Y/N. He’s fine with it. You're my friend too and I’d really like you to be there,” she said softly. You chewed your lower lip for a moment as you tried to think about it. She’d invited you to her birthday party the next day and it made you nervous. You’d purposely avoided NYC and Billy because you knew how awkward it would be, knew it would hurt you and maybe him. But you also missed Karen and you felt bad you’d missed her last birthday because of this. When you didn't speak, she continued.
“Look… I know a lot happened with you two, but so much time has passed. Really, he doesn't mind. He’s moved on, Y/N. You don't need to worry,” she soothed. It didn't soothe you though. Knowing he’d moved on sent a bitter jolt right through you that you knew you had no right in feeling. He deserved to move on. But now you knew yourself better, you felt the sting hit you hard. Because you’d realized in your therapy sessions that while you had been scared of Billy's feelings and pushed him away, deep down you’d welcomed it, wanted it. Your brain was trying to protect you from the harm it thought a relationship would bring, but your heart yearned for the connection with Billy. He’d made you feel things you’d never felt before. And you’d ruined it all.
“You’re really sure?” you asked hesitantly. You really didn't like the idea of facing him, no matter how much you'd changed. But you were trying to be a less selfish person. And if Billy had no issue with it since he’d gotten over you, then you didn't really have a reason not to go that wasn't selfish.
“Positive,” Karen said firmly. You heaved a large sigh, your stomach churning.
“Okay, I’ll be there,” you relented. Karen squealed down the phone and you smiled despite yourself at how happy she seemed. You could do this. You could swallow your pride for your friend who had helped you learn more about yourself than you’d ever done before.
~~~
The cab pulled to a stop and you tried to push your nerves down as you paid the driver and grabbed your large duffel before getting out of the cab. You stared at the large hotel in front of you with contempt. Karen had rented a space here for her party and you’d booked a room here too at her insistence. She’d asked you to book a week since she rarely saw you and you’d agreed. You wouldn't even know many people at the party. You knew she had her friends, people she knew from the Bulletin and some people from Anvil going. The only people you would know were Frank and Curtis, both of which you didn't know well enough to have a decent conversation with. Frank you knew more than Curtis but since you slighted his best friend, you figured it would be uncomfortable. Karen would be there obviously, and then there was Billy. You felt like a fish out of water as you wondered why you’d agreed to this. You walked into the hotel, body feeling heavy with dread. Once you’d checked in, you’d neatly put your clothes away in the wardrobe before flopping onto the bed. The party was only in a few hours and you really wished you’d stayed home. But you were doing this for Karen. So you decided to lay there and mope on the bed until it was time to get ready. To try and psyche yourself up for attending this thing. When 6pm rolled around, you knew you needed to get ready. Before long, you were showered and ready to go. Hair and make-up done and wearing a black body con dress with matching heels. Karen had told you to dress up so you knew it was going to be a slightly fancy thing. You threw your phone into your purse before you set off downstairs.
You were riddled with nerves as you walked into the event room. It was decorated with balloons, flowers and fairy lights and packed full of more people than you had expected. It didn't help your nerves any. Your eyes darted around frantically but Karen was nowhere to be found and it made you anxious. Frank wasn't either. You spied Curtis across the room talking to some guys but you didn't dare go over and speak to him. You didn't know him well enough and you doubted he'd wanted to speak to you given the fact he was Billy's friend. You made a beeline for the bar, wanting something strong to quell your nerves. The bartender was busy with a sea of people looking to have a good time and you stood there impatiently as you waited to be served. It felt like every second that ticked by had you more on edge. You wanted to crawl out of your own skin. You'd been hiding away for so long and it had been a while since you had to be around this many people. Strangers. And this wasn't the worst of it. No, that would be when Billy arrived. After what felt like waiting for ten whole minutes, you grabbed your phone from your purse and shot Karen a text to ask when she'd be coming. She sent one back saying sorry for being late, that she and Frank 'lost track of time'. You snorted softly to yourself, too preoccupied to notice the bartender had finally come your way.
"Whisky, same for her," a voice next to you spoke. One that made you tense as it was all too familiar. You glanced to your right to see Billy standing there looking even more handsome than the last time you'd seen him. He was wearing a suit just like all the other guys here but it looked better on him. It always did.
"Hey," he said smoothly, shooting you a smirk. You swallowed thickly and gave him a sheepish smile.
"Hey," you replied, looking back to the bar as the drinks were placed in front of you and Billy.
"Uh… thanks," you murmured, feeling far too shaken up to offer up something better. You grabbed your drink and downed it in one, causing Billy to chuckle beside you.
"It that bad already? You only just got here," he commented wryly.
"Something like that," you said softly with a shrug.
"I know you never liked these kinda things. I'm sure Karen will be down real soon," he gave you an easy smile and you envied him. He'd gotten over you and you’d realized you had feelings for him all along. A more selfish part of you, the one you were working on, wished he'd at least have acted as awkward as you were. This ease he had about him made it seem like he'd forgotten about everything between you. But you told yourself it was for the best. Told yourself it's what you wanted.
"How've you been?" He asked amicably. Awful, your mind supplied, not that you'd tell him that. But as you opened your mouth to fumble out an answer, the room erupted in cheers as Karen and Frank walked in. You smiled to yourself as you watched Karen getting hugs and talking to people. She deserved to be happy. She'd helped you so much, she was a good friend. When you glanced back next to you, Billy was gone as if he was never there. You tried to ignore the annoying tug in your stomach. You weren't here for Billy after all. You were here for Karen. Far too overwhelmed in a room full of strangers, you stayed put near the bar and waited for Karen to be done. Once she was, she looked around before her eyes landed on you and she grinned, making a beeline to you.
"I've missed you!" She beamed, grabbing you into a bone-crushing hug. You smiled as you hugged her back. It was the most physical contact you'd had in a long while and the thought was a little depressing. When she moved away, you grabbed a little box out of your purse and handed it to her.
Her eyes widened as she took the box, turning soft eyes to you.
"You didn't need to get me anything, Y/N," she chided weakly.
"You're kidding, right? After everything you've done for me, I don't feel like this is enough," you smirked wryly. She carefully opened the box, revealing a dainty silver bracelet with a dove charm on it. She covered her mouth with her hand, sniffling a little before she grabbed you in another hug.
"I love you," she murmured. You felt your throat tighten.
"I love you too," you smiled before moving away.
"Help me put it on?" She asked, giving you a hopeful look. You nodded, taking the bracelet and fastening it around her slender wrist.
"I love this. Thank you, Y/N," she grinned. You were glad she liked it so much.
"Come on," she took your hand, tugging you along behind her as she weaved through people. You felt a stab of panic as you realized she was taking you towards Frank and Curtis. You weren't looking forward to it.
"Look who I found!" Karen sang with a grin. Both men turned to you and you were surprised when Frank smiled, stepping up to give you a quick hug.
"It's been a while," he murmured, moving away and giving you another smile. You really hadn't expected such a warm reception so you were lost for words, nodding and giving him a smile.
"It's great to see you," Curtis smiled, giving you a hug too.
"Where's Billy?" Karen asked, glancing around with a frown.
"Guess," Frank huffed. He didn't look happy and it piqued your curiosity.
"Please tell me that's a joke?" Karen asked. Her face was thunderous as she stared down her boyfriend. Frank sighed and wiped a hand over his face.
"Nope," he shook his head.
"I didn't even-" Karen's mouth snapped shut audibly as Billy came over with a big smile. He wasn't alone though. There was a pretty brunette hanging off him and it felt like someone seized your heart in a death grip. He'd moved on. Of course he did. You thought Karen had meant just in general but you should have known someone like Billy wouldn't have a hard time finding someone else. Billy moved to give Karen a hug, murmuring a happy birthday to her. But once he moved away, the girl wrapped her arm around him again.
A quick glance at Karen and you gathered she wasn't very happy.
"Happy birthday, Karen," the girl smiled, leaning into Billy more.
"Thanks," Karen bit out with a smile. It was very forced though and you were wondering what was going on.
"And who’s this?" She asked, giving you a once-over that made you feel small.
"This is Y/N," Billy supplied, shooting you a fleeting glance.
"It's nice to meet you, Y/N. I'm Louisa, Billy's girlfriend," she gave you a polite smile and you nodded, trying your best to give her one in return. You felt a little lightheaded at being blindsided like this and you really didn't want to be there.
"Y/N…. Come with me to the bar? I need birthday drinks," Karen asked, shooting you a look.
"Yeah, okay," you murmured, not even getting your sentence finished before she was dragging you away to the bar.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. She wasn't supposed to be here. I didn't even invite her. In fact, I explicitly told Billy not to bring her," Karen rambled with a frown.
"Why? You didn't have to do that if it was for me," you shook your head. Karen didn't have to edit her guest list just because she invited you no matter how upset you were.
"It wasn't. I mean, not all of it. Obviously, I didn't want her here with you. You know I'd never do that to you. But I just… I can't stand her," she growled before flagging down the bartender. He came right over since she was the birthday girl and she ordered you both a drink. You glanced back behind you where you'd left the group. Billy was grinning and talking, the girl hanging off him. Curtis and Frank looked slightly tense and out of place. When you brought your eyes back to Karen, you saw her finish her drink in one.
"Why don't you like her?" You asked curiously. Karen snorted a mirthless laugh, slamming her glass back down.
"She's a stuck-up bitch. She's only after Billy for his money. Frank tried to talk to him but… well you know how stubborn Billy is. It just made him dig his heels in more," she sighed. You didn't want to comment on the situation. You didn't know the girl. But you knew Karen wasn't the type to just dislike someone for no reason. She was a nice person. And she was also really good at sussing people out. Karen stayed with you at the bar for a little bit but then she'd gotten whisked off by someone. You had a few drinks and before long, Frank had dragged Karen back to the rest of the group. You wondered if it was so he wasn't suffering alone since Karen had made it seem like he also didn't approve of Billy's new relationship. But you didn't want to go over. Didn't want to see Billy looking so happy with someone else. Especially if that person was going to hurt him. You knew it was rich coming from you and you ordered another drink.
You moved to sit at an empty table out of the way. You really felt awkward here now. The only people you knew, you couldn't go to. You were scrolling through your emails on your phone and considering ducking out early when someone plonked into the seat next to you. You looked up to come face to face with Billy.
"Hey, couldn't get away for a while. Didn't get to finish our conversation," he smiled, drink in his hand. He looked good. He looked happy. It hurt and you hated yourself.
"It's fine, don't worry about it," you smiled, leaning back in your chair a little.
"So… how have things been?" He asked curiously and you chuckled joylessly. You weren't drunk but you were tipsy and you knew you were a little loose-lipped when you'd had a few drinks. You were trying your hardest to keep your mouth shut.
"They've just… been, I guess," you shrugged vaguely, finishing the last little bit of your drink. You were itching for another already.
"What about you?" You asked quickly, hoping to turn the focus off of you.
"Things are pretty good. Anvil just got a big government contract," he beamed. You smiled despite it all.
"That's awesome. I'm so happy for you," you said sincerely. You knew how long he'd wanted this. He bit his lower lip with a bright smile.
"Bout time, right?" He smirked wryly and you nodded.
"It's really good. I'm glad things are going good," you said softly. He shot you a smile and then a weird silence settled over you both as you toyed with your glass.
"So… you gonna tell how you've really been?" He asked pointedly. When you looked at him again, he raised a brow at you. You nibbled your lower lip, shifting in your chair. You weren't going to be staying in the city long and you'd probably never see him again now he was happy and he'd moved on. Maybe being honest with him for once wouldn't hurt.
"After I left… I started seeing a therapist," you admitted. His brows rose a little and he moved his body to face you better.
"A shrink?" He asked slowly. You looked down, feeling your cheeks heat up a little.
"If that's what you wanna call it. It's helped me though. I've been working on myself. I had a lot of issues… obviously. But she's really helped me. I've learned a lot about myself," you explained with a shrug.
"What did you learn?" He asked. You looked at him and he looked curious, not judgmental at all. It made you feel a little more comfortable.
"You remember what I told you about my parents, right? Well… apparently that's why I had commitment issues. I grew up seeing relationships as something that just hurts you and those around you. So my brain was trying to protect me or some shit. But even though my mind was trying to keep me safe by keeping everyone at arm's length, I did want to be cared about. I craved real love, I just didn't realize it. It all made sense to me, anyway," you said sheepishly. He watched you for a moment before nodding slowly.
"It does make sense. Our minds do weird shit to try and keep us safe. Trust me, I get it," he smirked, taking a large swig of his drink. Of course, he got it. He hadn't had an easy life and he'd once been just like you.
"I guess it was just nice to find out why I was so broken," you snorted self-deprecatingly.
"You were never broken, Y/N," he frowned.
"I think you of all people know that's not true," you quipped, shaking your head. He opened his mouth but you never got to know his reply as Curtis was suddenly setting a hand on his shoulder. He shot you a sheepish smile before looking at Billy.
"Louisa's looking for you, man," he muttered. Billy nodded and Curtis walked away and then Billy turned to you.
"Sorry, I'm bein' summoned," he grinned, raising his brows.
"It's okay," you murmured, trying to quell the ugly feelings swirling around inside of you. Billy stood, giving you a soft smile.
"It was nice to see you, Y/N," he said before he walked away and got swallowed by the crowd.
You exhaled a shaky breath and sagged in your chair. You knew you were such an idiot for letting him go the first time around and you felt like karma was beating you with a stick for it. You ended up sitting at the table drinking for another hour. Not enough to get smashed but enough to keep the buzz going. Karen had stopped by periodically, apologizing profusely every time. She kept getting tugged away by others though so you were mostly on your own. After getting bored and even more miserable, you slipped out of a side door to get some air. It led to an alleyway at the side of the hotel. It was dark now and the cold air hit you hard but you welcomed it. You leaned against the cool brick as you wondered if you'd ever be happy. You wiped your eyes furiously, annoyed at yourself for crying when you'd done this to yourself. But then you heard the door open and you sniffled quickly, trying to compose yourself. You half expected Karen but instead, you were once again met by Billy.
"You okay?" He asked concerned as he saw your damp cheeks.
"Fine," you bit out, trying to hold yourself together. The last drink might have been a mistake.
"Why don't I believe you?" He asked with a raised brow as he stepped closer to you.
"What does it even matter?" You huffed, finding that horribly enough, you were still crying. You pushed off the wall, ready to leave but Billy frowned as he grabbed your wrist.
"Talk to me," he murmured softly, dark eyes imploring. You sniffled once more and shook your head
"What's the point?" You asked helplessly.
"Don't do that. You already shut me out once, don't do it again," his eyes were intense as he glared at you and you felt like someone hit you in the chest. If you were sober, you would have kept your mouth shut. But you weren't sober and you were already emotional.
"I'm unhappy. And I know I deserve to be unhappy because of how I hurt you. And the worst part is that now after therapy, I know that I have feelings for you too. And all I can think about is how I fucked up so badly that I lost the only person who ever really cared about me," you lamented tearfully. He was still holding your wrist as he stared at you.
"I know I'm selfish, I know I am and I'm trying to work on it. But I shouldn’t have come here. I came here 'cause Karen asked me to and she'd told me you'd moved on. But I didn't expect to see you here with someone and it hurts. And I’m just-" your heartfelt ramblings were cut off when he tugged you to him and then his lips were on yours. Your heart sped up as you kissed him back, but despite the alcohol, you knew this wasn't a good idea and you put your hands on his chest and moved him away. He blinked down at you confused, dark intense eyes scanning your face like he was searching for something.
"We… we shouldn't," you shook your head, the pain in your chest getting worse. He looked down quickly, blinking rapidly.
"I-I just thought… What you said, I…" he looked so lost and you wanted to hit yourself for hurting him again. It was like you couldn't help yourself.
"It's not that I don't want… It's just a bad idea. There's a… bad history there. I don't wanna…" I don't want to hurt you, rung out in your head but you couldn't get the words out.
"Besides, you have a girlfriend," you added. It was wrong on so many levels. Your brain couldn't even comprehend that he'd kissed you. What it meant about his feelings for you.
Billy looked off to the end of the alley, seemingly deep in thought as he rolled his shoulder. When he turned back to you, there was a strange look in his eye.
"I'm gonna tell you somethin' but you can't tell Karen," he muttered as he gazed at you.
"Okay…?" You were confused. He cleared his throat, raking his teeth over his lower lip.
"Louisa… I don't… I don't love her. This relationship… it ain't real," he explained simply. You just blinked dumbly at him for a moment, trying to understand what he was telling you so he continued.
"Her dad's into some shady business and I needed information. Easiest way was to get her into bed, but I couldn't get shit outta her. So I kept goin' with it. I'm not stupid, I know she only wants me for my money. But I'm usin' it to my advantage and I've started to get what I need from her," he looked somewhat sheepish at admitting this to you. Part of you was pleased to find out he didn't actually care about her.
"I didn't tell the others 'cause I needed it to appear as real as possible. But I figured I could at least tell you since you're leavin' again soon," his voice took on a bitter edge when he mentioned you leaving and you tried to not let it sting you. This was a lot of information for you to take in and you weren't exactly in the best mental state. But what you gathered was that he still cared about you somewhat and that he wasn't in love with someone else.
"I… uh…" your brain was having a hard time stringing a sentence together and you jumped when the door next to you both opened. Louisa came out, glancing between you and Billy before settling her eyes on him.
"Hey, I've been looking for you," she smiled.
"Sorry, was just helpin' Y/N out. She's not used to bein' around so many people she doesn't know," he grinned easily. Louisa smiled at you with a nod.
"Oh, trust me. I get it. Lucky for me though I have this guy," she grinned, looping her arm around Billy's. Even knowing the truth, it left a bitter taste in your mouth. Billy smiled down at her before giving you a long look.
"Ready to go in?" He asked you. His deep brown eyes were soft and you looked away from him, feeling overwhelmed.
"I'm gonna stay out here a little longer, but you guys go ahead," you murmured, forcing a smile. Billy looked like he wanted to protest but Louisa tugged him to the door. With that, you were alone in the alley with conflicting feelings.
You were happy he hadn't moved on but you knew that made you a terrible person. You'd hurt him. You didn't deserve a relationship with him after what you did. You felt torn in two knowing he still cared because he kissed you yet not feeling worthy of anything with him. You really didn't feel like going back to the party so you got your phone out of your purse and shot Karen a text to tell her you were heading to bed. Instead of walking back the way you came and risking bumping into Billy, you walked to the end of the alley and decided you'd go into the main entrance instead. You had too much on your mind and none of it made sense. You really shouldn't have come back.
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12 years of therapy journey by quotes
“The most important thing about therapy is that it’s a relationship. So the fact that I’m important to you is a sign that therapy is going well.”
“When you were a child, you had a need for someone to pay attention to your emotional state, and you didn’t get that need met. What is happening now is that need is coming to the surface. The only way to move through this is to experience it, to experience that need being met, for as long as it takes. You won’t need this forever. Your brain is being rewired, and when the work is done, you won’t feel this need for me like you do now.”
“There is no shame in you having developed an eating disorder”
“We all have logical reasons for why we behave the way we do. Your survival mechanisms were logical, but they were faulty.”
“You can’t measure your own feelings by comparing them to other people’s experiences”
“Being hungry is not good for your emotional state”
“We generally don’t know which are the important conversations to have in therapy until we start talking about something and see where it leads”
“I know it’s hard to believe but it is much better to be real than just not say anything. It’s only because your brain is wired not to let on how you’re feeling that you feel panicky.”
“You didn’t get to learn to manage your feelings when you were a teenager. Now you are trying to learn that skill in just one hour a week and it is hard work.”
You: I’m trying a new approach this session. I wonder how it’s feeling to you?
Me: yeah it’s annoying
“When I ask a question, I’m not expecting any particular answer.... I’m just curious about what’s going on for you.”
“With the physical aspect of eating disorder recovery, you had to learn how to regulate and respond to your physical needs - and you’ve pretty much got that now. Now you’re learning to do a similar thing with your emotions.”
“Do you ever think that maybe in being so loyal to your parents and minimising what happened to you, you’re being disloyal to yourself and your own experience?”
“You want to believe your mum was a perfect mum; yet you have deliberately chosen to do things differently parenting your own children. Do you see the discrepancy?”
“Sometimes I get things wrong. It’s actually important that I’m not perfect because that helps you learn that we can make mistakes and we can recover from them, our relationship can recover... We can’t deliberately make the mistakes! So that learning has to happen as an experiential thing within our therapy process.”
“Maybe there’s not a perfect cake. Maybe there’s just a good enough cake.”
Me: But what is the benefit of cake?
You: What is the benefit of a sunset? It brings pleasure
“It’s the privilege of a therapeutic relationship, that it can be deeper than a normal relationship because you have the boundaries in place to make it safe to go deeper than you usually would.”
“I will never forget you”
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After you figure it out, you’re really f****** angry. Ideas for Moonknight S2
Hey, hi, hello.
Here’s a dive into Moonknight’s S1 take on trauma healing and what I think would be interesting to explore/expand on in S2.
Moonknight season one maps pretty cleanly onto trauma healing therapy when you’ve got structural dissociation:
Learn that you are experiencing patterns of dissociation
Recognize that something traumatic has happened.
Get on the same page about what actually happened/why.
Differentiate between past/present, over/on-ongoing, sense/nonsense.
The stakes often are life and death, or everything that matters to you.
Protector parts are vulnerable too, particularly to exploitation by others.
The dissociation was a tool/skill/superpower that saved you.
You can learn to work with yourself(s).
Figuring out what happened to you is only the beginning of healing.
Dissociation is a freeze response when you can’t escape or fight when the trauma is ongoing: You disassociate both from what is happening (steven) and from your natural impulses to run/fight (jake), so you can endure and survive (marc).
With that framework, it makes perfect sense that they didn’t unpack Jake in season one. You need to figure out what is happening first before you can process how you feel about it. And how you feel about it is probably very very angry.
Anger feels dangerous and scary especially if you’ve repressed it because you’ve been told it was wrong or bad. Even more so if you’ve had people in your life whose anger made you unsafe. It made sense to me that Marc would avoid Jake, consciously or unconsciously.
Season two could be about how Jake and Marc can’t reconcile on how to go forwards. They’ve been seriously harmed by people who were supposed to care for them, those people haven’t been held accountable, and it's not fair that they have to move on without recourse.
It is also incredibly important the process of seeking justice is incredibly traumatizing. Marc especially has a lifetime of experience being blamed, invalidated, and failed by the institutions that were supposed to help him. It makes sense that Marc would want to put everything behind him and just move on.
As for characterization/arcs:
Everything I’ve read about anger says that it’s there to help you. It defends you, it keeps you from internalizing and accepting things that aren’t fair. It can be destructive and scary but it’s also protective and good. I think it would be really interesting to explore being unable to move on with Jake’s character (particularly if they have to wrestle with their own history of violence/avoidance in the process).
Steven’s character is vulnerable in ways that Marc and Jake aren’t and comparatively inexperienced — it must feel intimidating. Steven struggling with his role in their system and learning to fight/ handle conflict in less physically violent ways would fit with this arc.
Steven was the one who asked Layla and Tawret for help. He’s the only one in their system who hasn’t internalized that it’s dangerous to be vulnerable. He could be the one who could help them navigate through the process of sorting helpful/unhelpful shame, deserved/undeserved blame, and ultimately forgiveness and reconciliation.
So there:
Jake as system defender/detective — Good and just and the right amount of scary. Untrusting of conventional systems of justice, and unwilling to forgive and forget. Focused on finding and holding the bad guys accountable.
Steven as a brilliant negotiator/protector — Being shielded from the trauma didn’t make him weak and naive, it gives their whole system an advantage. He’s not afraid to talk back to authority or to ask for help, and he’s not a liability.
Marc as a very complex troubled man — Wrestling between mercy and vengeance, accountability and forgiveness, and all the complexities that go along with being involved with trauma and justice.
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Ooooh matchups? I'm curious, if you don't mind!
I look like MC if she had green eyes and glasses. I don't go out much due to asthma and an orthopedic issue that causes pain sometimes, but I like to stay inside.
I enjoy playing videogames most, reading non-fiction, and drawing is a fun hobby too, though I mostly stick to sketched things instead of full works. I love to write poetry too sometimes. My favorite hobby is self teaching languages. I've always wanted to get into computer science and coding, but I'm too scared and not confident enough to know where to start.
I usually keep to myself to have fun. It's what I've always been used to. I don't have any siblings and I struggled a lot growing up with bullying. I was kept close to home with helicopter parents (with good intentions of course, considering my school experiences) and so I never really learned how to socialize.
I didn't have any friends my age, and when I DID talk to other kids, I could never... connect? I always felt different, always walking on eggshells watching what I'd say or how I acted, always wanting to be a people pleaser but never be myself, anything just to be wanted by someone. It never really worked out.
Now that I'm in college (I'm studying ecology!), I have this social freedom that I never really got as a kid. My freshman year I had no idea what I was doing. Something more social than high school? (Which I attended not one single dance or event for in all four years (I was doomed.)) My parents told me they just wanted me to finally be happy and to have good experiences. I didnt know how to do that. If I couldn't please my parents in the social department, I could do what I do best- be a study hermit and an obsessive perfectionist at the sacrifice of my physical and mental health. If I could be perfect academically, I'd be worth something as a child then, right?
...
It took a year to learn that that was a big mistake too.
I'm... getting better with that. Slowly but surely.
After some therapy, I'm learning to open up more. I've made a decently large group of friends (I have no idea how). I'm getting used to being involved in things now, and go out on outings, and have conversations.
I'm still too scared to do some things, and I'm still a bit too buried in my perfectionist study issues, but all this new stuff feels nice for once, despite it all being so foreign.
I'm still finding out who I am, so this description of myself was probably a bit vague, but I figured it's worth a shot nonetheless. Sorry if long, I get carried away writing a lot of the times ;-;
I match you with...
Jumin!
You're somebody who doesn't quite understand the rest of the world. It's not a bad thing, it just means you have difficulty seeing the ways that people adapt and communicate. In some ways, it gives you a bit of a benefit because you don't see the bias or the conflict that can arise in relationships. In other ways, it makes you feel like you're behind schedule and that you're not working fast enough to be at the point that your social peers are.
Once you've learned not to compare yourself to others, you don't need to worry about a thing. All you need to do is go at your own pace and find people that understand you the way that you are. In that sense, that's why the perfect choice for you is somebody you like Jumin. You probably wouldn't believe it but he struggles with the same thing. His upbringing kept him from interacting with other people in most capacities. He may be able to seem like he is an expert at communication, but that isn't really the case. People don't understand him the way that he can understand them. There might be a feeling of similarity in that for you. You might find him to be a kindred spirit. Somebody who knows where you're coming from when you feel you're most vulnerable. He gets it in a way that nobody else ever could.
That's why you'd feel the safest with him. There's no rush to be anybody or anything. You just get to be yourself with him and he the same with you. There isn't a push to communicate or be something you're not. You get to talk about the things you love and see what makes the other person tick. He is also someone who enjoys being a homebody, but it's even better now that he has the right person at home. It doesn't feel as lonely when he looks over from the book he's reading to see that you're sitting there with him. It's almost poetic in a way. Maybe you'll enjoy that with him just as much as he does with you.
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happy july kate 💖 hope you're doing well. as a long time lurker of your blog, you and your work has slowly highlighted my need to create and work on my creativity, especially when it comes to things i loved to do before such as drawing and writing. ngl it's been hard because ive been comparing myself to other artists and writers. for example i saw someone write this beautiful dragon-pheonix reincarnation fic for their ship. the plot, prose and the way everything intertwined was beautiful (1/?)
(2/?) but i look at myself and can barely muster up the courage to write vecause how could i when there's already people who write and draw that well. a lot of my perfectionism comes from past abuse but the way it's manifesting here is such a pain. therapy has helped in healing but god, im so scared to start. have you ever caught yourself in a similar dilemma?
(3/?) another thing i wanted to ask about is how do you approach incorporating other people's analysis and stuff into your own work? obviously give credit where it's due but im always wondering whether it's worth it to be reiterating the same stuff when someone has already done a comprehensive job of it. i guess an example could be lore related to some kind of show or game.
(4/?) last question but do you ever catch yourself justifying your ship? there's like 50 different reasons you can ship characters,,,, maybe I spend too much on twitter but I feel like I have to justify a lot or at least there's an expectation to do that. it makes it harder for me to enjoy other ships (even the ones i dont care for) because now im expecting others to justify for all the same reasons. perhaps i need a fandom break or need to set better boundaries
lmaosorry for the word vomit in your ask box. it's been bugging me a lot and i didn't know who else to ask this since my friends don't really participate in fandom spaces 😶😶 hope this isn't too much of a bother but thank you for even entertaining my chaotic rambling. have a great weekend 💝
Hi Lurker! Oh, I can relate for sure. I think most writers/artists can.
I'm not sure my advice will be anything you haven't already heard, but I can tell you that by living it I know it's true: write it/draw it anyways. Imperfect, sure. Nothing is perfect, and art is subjective. There are so many needs, and no artpiece can satisfy every soul on this planet.
Do it anyways. Even if it's not perfect. You'll get better and better without even realizing it. You'll have moments where you're like I'M REGRESSING *cries* and then someone will tell you this was their favorite thing ever. Art isn't a static thing you just create and leave alone; it's more like an interactive thing, a living thing even at the risk of sounding super fucking cheesy--because it impacts people in different ways, ways we can't predict when creating it. And the act of creating it will impact you, too.
As for the analysis part, give credit and write it on your own. You learn by writing--sometimes it's fun and you'll realize oh hey, I just uncovered something new as I was writing that I hadn't even thought of!
As for justifying, sometimes? And sometimes not. Less so the older I get, lol, and I don't think it's a great thing ever to feel like you have to morally justify everything from each and every potential dislike. Just accept that other people have different tastes, limits, and preferences--which of course is way easier said than done! Give yourself grace and allow yourself to rant from time to time (privately). Art does affect our emotions, and it's good to express those (just not good to be an asshat about it or judge people for it, but expressing "I don't like this opinion" privately to a friend isn't that).
Twitter is the worst for that, though. Everyone's jockeying to be the Most Moral and Change the World Through Yelling At Others You Don't Even Know on there, and I hate it so much. Even as I, y'know, go on pretty much every day and therefore have no right to complain. I do this to myself. Sue me. I'm human too and def a hypocrite for participating in the Bird Site Madness but oh well.
Wow, that's a tangent. Anyways. We're all just doing the best we can, Lurker. Even if you can't quite bring yourself to start art yet, or to stop comparing, give yourself some grace for that. It doesn't make you a loser and it doesn't mean you never will start. All of us have those moments--moments that seem way longer than they should, I'm afraid.
But you know you want to make something. That's good. You deserve to have your voice heard, to follow what you want. The abilities you want to cultivate deserve time and space to grow. You deserve to make imperfect art because you deserve to be here, because you're alive and life is growing and all people should have their voices heard. <3
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Well, just some info not believing smart people a humour is hear you will love it later. 1st time on Tumblr Wattpad failed as before never mind . Will Akuma class graduate or fail with Lilass' lies.? What a way to dirty a pure name lily? seriously shame,so how many can pass except MPS or neutral grounds. Needs going pass or fail i want to laugh on fictional characters that show fucking irritates me to no levels. I feel murderous enough to study and pass exams for plot they literally hack the country system crack it up to crumbles and see who has fucking butterfly sanctuary see where cameras aren't there cause it's odd and Don't fit right and bank accounts are easy to access by banker ask as a hero to the banker can even tell you how a murder or something happened they've more data about people cause when people are bored they talk and because of it people have clues but are lazy or plain dumbass man that show has lot of loop holes then weaver sweater every episode and villian fucking irritates me butterflies see what type of species it is if that dumb can show something right i will spend every dollar in my account in a day. Half true but that stupid has to buy it right see accounts of those sanctuary anyway see big names 1st clue in the show or 2nd rich person 3rd isolated bitch 4th whoever your suspect is keep it there. Only 8 things were needed to be done. Harassment is okay . Emotional manipulation is okay ask that blonde ass which boils my blood. Total stupid encouraging wrong thing is good . Stealing is good. Totally taking someone's blame is good. bribing is good. Every type of crime is good huh. This show just disgust me comparing marinette and that assgreste. She is way too much better than that shity cockroach. There was a scene of literally that gives vibes of sexual intercourse. That's just inviting a disaster. What skin tight atleast see the viewer's. Half of shows shows this type of behavior is okay. That's why criminals have no fear. Stupidity of fucking society he broke few French laws man even though it was for people but do they mean something right. Man i hate kids behaving like creeps the moment i heard miraculous ladybug and chat noir. I wanted to break that kid or writer and most stupid astruck something.that bitch I hope he have 3rd stage cancer while kemo therapy he just die bring a decent writer but no a total percent and low graded human scum of the bag. I wish the moment someone sees that I just finished watching 1st season with my sis in my life i never had so much argue to kill someone than today. I generally read fan fics cause they're more well written than the original cause it corrects the wrong or totally don't show it that's total cool but this is insane my blood ran cold i binge watch it all together i am observer i see errors in everything but they can be brushed off but this god knows i might kill someone today in cold pursuit. Sorry that witch saw and ignored the flaws the golden boy is perfect just because his eyes are green as leaves and hair is blonde and skin is pale doesn't mean he is little good i don't doubt a single percent about a bitch being sentimoth. When i heard sis praising that blonde and cursing the girl i won't touch it cause more you see more problems you see . My favourites Gaslighting, parental abandonment,victim blaming, every abuse and it's type and harm can be seen but half of them are wrong. I won't bitch it but it fucking touched my sister manipulating asshole should be punched till the ground and bones don't become one. I am practically 15 i saw it Were so called' adults 'were cooing over it fools do the goddamn research like i do.
See it yourself don't believe me anyway
Introductions
Akuma class 18 (graduating)
MPS 16 (singers with different degrees)
Bruce46
Dick24 (passing University of business )
Jason 18 (graduated with degrees literature,arts, doctor, mechanics and honours)
Tim 15 (co CEO like Nettie but instead of fashion it's medicine)
Damian 15( making blunt comments with correcting teacher)
Marinette Dupain Cheng/Nettie Martha Haywood Wayne 14( degree holder of fashion,bussiness, technology enjoying the chaos , troublemaker and singer and main artist behind songs and the costumes)Story of Nettie Martha Haywood Wayne
here is a story of a girl of Gotham who was sold by her stepfather known as Willis Todd due to Joker . A mother and boy's misery . A mother who is not true but poured love through heart got addicted to drugs a boy in grief and to care for mother are the basics after some events he is taken as ward of bruce Wayne this time he never got killed because Willis killed Joker because he was dying atleast i will avenge my daughter and take down a monster. Jason learn fighting in alleys as some people were willing to teach a kid self defence but seeing a talent taught every fighting style street has offered and weapons training
you know what Tim has a big role in reunion of two brother and sister by blood solve a case bring justice for 3 countries . that's one only lila Rossi . Ceo of black trades Gris et or technology and enterprises and l'ange des cieux another CEO of Wayne and Drake enterprises a billionaire will they dominate the world or not . A singer named Le labyrinthe . you know what Tim has a big role in reunion of two bro and sis by everything but blood solve a case bring justice for 3 countries . that's one only lila Rossi claims to be NMHW and it's achievements of this one surely gonna kill. Claiming to be her infront of her is dangerous well.
Marinette/Nettie -Ceo of black trades Gris et or technology and enterprises and l'ange des cieux
In English, black ,grey and gold trades and enterprises
The angle of
(scream for the heavens you heathens)
HEAVENS
As fashion company name or pen name
#class salt#mlb x dc#maribat#adrien bashing#marinette x tim#timari#mlb#marinette dupain cheng#class blashing#original mps with extras#Chloe#Kagami#Luka#Nino#Alix#Kim#Max Nathalian Juleka
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Day 6: The accomplishments you're most proud of
I'm sure people talk about materialistic things when they're talking/writing about their accomplishments they're most proud of. If you're one of these people let me prepare you: you'll get disappointed with my article. I'm a underachiever when it comes to earning big money, buying a house, and whatever it is that people crave the most. I haven't accomplished much in this world when it comes to what money can buy. My accomplishments are from a diferent kind: they're spiritual, emotional. It is not my intention to compare one to another.. we need money and what it can buy as well. Is just that.. I didn't do much in my life so far and that's not something to be proud of. I started "my glow up" from what I could do, what I could change. If I were to foccus solely on changing my exterior I would be highly disappointed. I would have done nothing: no real meaningful changes.. and in time all of the sh*t in my subconscious mind would push me back to where I have begun and all my insecurities and wounds would come up, even with a prettier face and etc. Being pretty, "hot", doesn't ecqual being secure, loving yourself. So I know I did the best I could do with what I had and today I'm happy with my results. I had no money (my mentallity didn't help me much) so I had no other option instead of foccusing on my spirituality, working on my wounds, evolving and growing emotionally to a woman (finally). Work towards being inteligent emotionally, work on my intelect... to be more cultured, smart, have nice subjects to talk about...
You see, we tend to postpone the changes we know must be made because we're always waiting for the perfect conditions for it. That's self sabotagge! I didn't had the money for eye contact lenses, to pay for gym classes, to go to supermarket as often as I would like to buy fresh veggies, to buy products to keep up with my skin care routine (my acne's back!), but I didn't allowed that to stop me! I didn't used it as an excuse. I wanted SO BAD to change my life, so I thought to myself: Ok, I can't do that but of course there is something I can do and that's how I'll begin these changes. I was so sure the money would follow! And maaaaan... was I right! Step by step i'm managing my anxiety, so it won't get in the way anymore... and things are finally starting to fall into place. In baby steps but that doesn't matter! I'm finally starting to rip what I sowed. In time major changes, bigger and better things are comming, I know that!
Bottomline: Don't wait! Don't wait for the perfect setting, the perfect conditions to start evolving! To start working on yourself! There is always something you can do, in your possibilities. When you start doing what you can, life brings you what you need so you can do more.
My biggest accomplishment so far was overcoming that shit I described a couple of articles bellow and, well, I'm over it but I don't have to describe it again. Ew! The past's meant to stay in the past. I started foccusing on my relationship with God and "shadow work", changing my mentallity, foccusing on my goals, on leveling up intelectually, spiritually... I've been released from therapy, and I'm seeing the changes in my reality so I know my mentallity's finally changed! It was the perfect start and I'm having the perfect ending for this painful chapter of mine. I know I'm writing my story everyday... with every single choice I make, and I'm proud because I finally am choosing healthier, better choices, from a loving place, not from pain or my wounds anymore. My reality's showing me that constantly. Of course the work's never complete! Once you get over your past, your insecurities and etc you must keep up working on yourself. I learned from all of this that leveling up never stops. Self love and respect is something you must feed and care for on a daily basis. You've been thinking in negative pattern your whole life, so of course you must keep on working to keep your self steem healthy.
If I had the money to start with my looks I probably wouldn't feel as secure and happy as I feel today: I would still be attaching my worth and self esteem to my looks. I wouldn't understand that all comes, and starts from within, so I would always go back and forth to unhealthy patterns and in time it would only get worse.
God has helped me through this. He helped me to see my worth and gave me back my dignity that though was long gone... He held my hand through this and ensured me everyday that I'm loved, and by also teaching me how to love myself and others in a healthy way.
I overcome my past, my trauma, my insecurities and wounds. I'm still a caterpilar, don't get me wrong! My wings are still being created, hand painted, but I know, I can feel it: I'm closer than ever to get out of my coccoon and open it, spread my beautiful blue, purple and pink wings. Yes, I even chosen my colors! You can always choose your colors! The colors of your wings! ALWAYS. ♥ The process was painful but it only made me love and apreciate life more.
I'll never stop investing on myself when it comes to spirituality and my intelect (that should never stop ladies and gentlemen!), but now I can finally think of and plan my glow up when it comes to my looks, because's not coming from insecurity, Is coming from a good place and self esteem. I'm in a great place today: I'm not attaching my worth and value on my body, my looks, because now I know there's a lot more to it and I have so much to offer. So when I get older and my looks vanish I won't suffer much.
Now, when I look in the mirror I feel happy because I can finally say I love you looking in the mirror without feeling sad or angry. I feel the words as I say it! And looking in the mirror and feeling love for myself no matter what I'm looking like right now is a diferent kind of freedom. Your love for yourself must be independent on your looks! There are days we won't look or feel our best at all and that's ok! it's only a day! But your love for yourself won't vanish because of it, you'll keep on loving yourself no matter what, on rainy or sunny days. You know you'll always be there for yourself, so.. going through though days is not a impossible mission anymore. Plus: having bad days is a part of life, and love helps you to roll with the punches! I had to burn to the ground so I could learn all of this and be reborn. And that is my biggest accomplishment, and I'm so proud of it!
I'm grateful! Life's shaping me into the woman I have always wanted to be but thought it was impossible.
Everything's possible! Becoming who we always wanted (and were born) to be is possible!
With love, Louise. xx
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