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revelationschapter6 · 9 months

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it feels like life weighs ten thousand tons

Events: Sicktember, Whumptember

Prompts:

Hopelessly Bad at Self-Care

Lashing out

Curled Up With a Pet

Warnings:

Minor self harm (Fallen angel picking up a blessed object)

Mentions of non-consensual touching (mentions of a character 'copping a feel')

This fill is written as a one-shot of my original story, Saudade. You can find my info page for Saudade here.

What context you need to read this is:

In Saudade, the Archangel Raphael Fell during the Rebellion. It was a misunderstanding that spiraled out of control, and he was thrown out by four angels while his partner, the Power Camael, tried to help him.

The angels who didn't Fall were made to forget those who did. They don't remember they ever knew them. As far as they know, all the Fallen were on the fringes of Heaven's society. If they asked around, they might go, "Wait, no one knew a Fallen?" But they Don't Ask Questions.

Raphael worked to gain Camael's trust again, and eventually won it. He regained his memories, then got the Archangels Michael and Gabriel, Raphael's siblings, to regain theirs. Now they're working on smoothing things over and reuniting Heaven and Hell.

Sicktember: Hopelessly Bad at Self-Care, Curled Up With a Pet Whumptember: Lashing out Raphael just wanted five minutes to himself. That wasn't too much to ask, was it? After all, he was only one person (by a certain definition of person), and he could only do so much to reunite Heaven and Hell. But, of course, the first time he has a moment to breathe is when it all comes crashing down on his shoulders. Thank, well, not God, for Lilith.

can be read on AO3 or below the cut

Characters mentioned: (not necessary, but for context)

Raphael - Fallen Archangel, male. Not well-liked in Hell because he worked to thwart the Rebellion, and didn't Rebel. Legally blind.

Camael - Power, male. Raphael's partner from before his Fall, now his partner again after regaining his memory.

Michael - Raphael and Gabriel's sister, the first angel ever made. Leader of Heaven's army. Secondary leader of Heaven. Female.

Gabriel - Raphael and Michael's little brother, the third angel ever made. Leader of Heaven's army, messenger of Heaven. Male.

Berith - Fallen Virtue, now a Duke of Hell. One of the eight Fallen that guard the entrance and exit to Hell. Raphael's boss. Male.

Asmodeus - Fallen Cherub, now a King of Hell. One of the eight Fallen that guard the entrance and exit to Hell. Infamously lecherous. Male.

Lilith - Adam's first wife, Fell for refusing to obey him. Became close friends after Raphael took her under his wing. Female.

Lethe - Fallen Seraph. A relative nobody in Heaven, but a great Inventor. Turned into a humanoid water-monster in her Fall, guardian of the River Lethe. Close friend of Raphael. Female.

Agares - Fallen Power, now a Duke of Hell, with a massive grudge against Raphael. Male.

Rasiel - Angel. Therapist of Heaven. Was one of the angels who threw Raphael out of Heaven after being manipulated. Deeply regrets it. Male.

Kundaniel - Throne. Archivist. Female.

Andras - Fallen Principality, now a Marquis. One of the eight Fallen that guard the entrance and exit to Hell. Female.

Jehoel - Dominion, female. Uncertain on reuniting Heaven and Hell.

Terms, etc.:

Sphere - There are nine ranks of angel, each with a different title and duty. The higher the rank, the more powerful.

Hell's Hierarchy - A ranking system implemented by Lucifer in an attempt at creating order in Hell. Having a higher title doesn't mean the Fallen is more powerful, but they have more clout and, often, more Fallen and demons under their command.

Raphael, if he could, did all he could to stay out of Hell.

By and large, he did well. Having a phone now, Berith could text or call if he needed him. Lilith and Lethe handled wrangling the Fallen well, in convincing them to put out, and accept, olive branches to Heaven. In fact, it was best he stayed out of their way; time didn’t flow the same in Hell as it did on Creation, but it had still been aeons since the Fall, and he was still hated. If he was the one trying to unite Hell’s half of Heaven and Hell, it would go very poorly, very quickly.

That didn’t mean he was sitting on his ass, though.

Lilith knew nothing of Heaven, having been human before her Fall. And it was so easy to forget that, with how quickly she’d taken to Hell, nothing more than a duck to water. But he had to teach her about Heaven, and he found there was so much to teach. So much that he took for granted, social graces that came to him naturally, for all he’d never been particularly extroverted, left her floundering. That she had no ranking - that she was no Virtue, no Dominion nor Power nor Principality nor Virtue nor even Angel, caught him up too. Because Heaven, for all it tried to be equal, still relied on its ranks. The Dominions mentored even young Seraphim, Angels did tasks for everyone else. Romances and friendships spanned all Spheres, but everyone was well aware of what they were, and what everyone else was capable of.

A Virtue, even if only a single rank higher than a Power, was undeniably more powerful than a Power. Perhaps not stronger, but their divinity carried more of a punch, and they could do more with it. And a Power was more, well, powerful than a Principality.

So finding where Lilith fit into that threw him. Ranks were causing far more trouble than any of them had expected.

Because it wasn’t just Lilith who lacked a rank. The demons - those who’d never known Heaven, who’d been borne of Hell, not of Eden or Creation - didn’t either. None of them did, not even in Hell. Lucifer had never ranked even the most powerful of them, the most accomplished.

And that, too, was a problem. Not just in where the Fallen stood - was a Fallen Virtue to be treated the same as a Virtue in the Host? Or should they be treated as a Power, a Principality? As punishment for Rebelling so long ago? But then that would cause strife because no Fallen would accept being treated as lesser.

But Hell had its system now, too. It didn’t affect how powerful they were, as Heaven’s did. But they were treated in Hell as if they did, given control over legions of Hellish beings. Agares had been a Power before his Fall, stronger only than Principalities, Archangels, and Angels, weaker than the five other ranks. But in Hell, he’d been made a Duke, the second most powerful of the eight titles. Nine, if you counted those who had no title. Ten, if you counted the Grigori, who stood apart. Should he be treated as a middling Power? Or as something more powerful?

Raphael, Michael, and Gabriel were pulling their hair out over it.

And building relationships back with Heaven… well, that wasn’t exactly a cakewalk, either. Angels who got their memories back, realizing the Fallen they’d fought with, even killed, were angels they’d known once. Sometimes they’d been parental figures, older sibling figures, friends, or romantic partners. Other times they’d been child figures, in the case of Dominions who’d killed their charges, or little-sibling figures. Rasiel, as great as he was (as much as Raphael hated to admit it), could only help so many angels at once. And Raphael, apparently, was becoming the go-to for couples, or friends, or similar, who’d reunited and needed advice. After all, he and Camael had managed, so couldn’t he help them?

Every time he stepped foot in Heaven, it felt like he was being swarmed. And considering how isolated he’d been for the last… how many years? It had been over four and a half billion years on Earth, but time didn’t flow the same in Hell, and they didn’t perceive it the same besides, but that was still a damn long time. It was making him want to shove the next angel, Fallen, demon, human, or otherwise, who walked up to him and asked if he ‘had a moment’.

He’d have a fit, is what he’d have.

He loved spending time with his siblings, of course, and Camael, and catching up with them. It had been a very long time, after all. And Rasiel was doing all he could to make it up to him. Raphael couldn’t be prouder of his students; they’d all really come into their own. He was enjoying getting to know all the new angels who’d been made to heal - a good thing, seeing as Heaven had only grown larger and larger.

Going into Hell, though. Well, Creation wasn’t safe. Humans could be dangerous in their own way, and Creation had its own dangers; animals, of course, and nature itself. He still had nightmares of Pompeii. And Heaven wasn’t, either. There were more than a few angels who weren’t happy about Heaven and Hell reuniting. Though they’d tried, neither he, Raphael, Michael, Gabriel, or Camael had been able to work out why some of them Fell but others didn’t.

But Hell was still Hell. Hellhounds that reached his hip on the hunt, imps swarming to feast, Damned souls suffering. And, of course, Fallen taking out their hurts on others.

Hell (pun unintended), some Fallen weren’t even taking their hurts out on others. They’d had a very long time to get used to it. But that was just ‘how it’s done’, so they’d kept doing it. And the demons had followed in their stead. So, though not with the same fervor as they once had, many Fallen and demons made Hell treacherous.

Still, Raphael did have to go down to Hell sometimes. To meet with Lethe when she didn’t come up to see him. She’d tried to get a phone but kept breaking them when she forgot to put them somewhere safe before diving into her river. And imps were as far from reliable letter carriers as you could get. To meet with Lilith, when Hell’s notoriously faulty phone service failed them.

Or, like now, when he couldn’t find something he knew he had. He’d searched everywhere it could be in Heaven, which wasn’t many because he usually only brought himself Up. Had scoured his apartment, which hadn’t taken long, as spartan as he kept it. Had searched every one of his pocket dimensions, and hadn’t found the scrolls he needed. He’d even had Camael check his apartment, though there was no reason he’d have ever brought them over there.

He didn’t even know the contents of the scrolls, which he’d found and kept on a whim back in the days of the Achaemenid Empire. But Kundaniel was near-desperate for them, whatever they were.

There was only one other place he kept things, so he’d made his way through Hell. Well, that he kept things and knew where they were. He was pretty bad about losing things, but even he wasn’t bad enough to lose an armful of scrolls. Asmodeus had clung to him like a bad smell, as he always did, so it had been hours before he’d even gotten past the Guards. Andras, as always, was no help, only encouraging him.

Every time, he forgot how draining it was. Having to sneak on edge more than ever, looking over his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t followed. He hadn’t guarded the location of his home so jealously for so long just to have it found out by being inattentive.

The cave, he’d sworn when he’d settled in it, would never become home. But it had, in a way. In its familiarity, in the softness of his star-woven rug. In its illusion of safety, until he’d found those sigils that made it truly safe. Still, it didn’t hold a candle to his apartment now, with Camael not far away, fairy lights strung across the walls, and made perfect for his faulty eyesight.

The sigils, he noted as he sidled into the cave, needed to be touched up. If they wore away much more, they’d start letting in imps and lesser dangers.

Raphael took a deep breath as he stepped into his cave, looking around. It had been a while since he’d come to it, and he’d forgotten that he’d left it in a rush. His rug lay in a heap, constellations twinkling awkwardly. A pair of boots, in the fashion popular in the 60s, slumped against the far wall—he’d been intending on storing them, as he’d found them comfortable, but forgotten to. Next to them was a dirtied muslin gown he’d been attempting (rather poorly) to darn, dropped to the dirt in his hurry. He grimaced, looking around.

That damn ushabti laid in the center of the room, though he’d swear he’d stashed it away.

The cave wasn’t big enough for him to see particularly well - he could only really make out the edges of it - but the scrolls would have stuck out like a sore thumb. Even he could make out smears of tan against brown dirt.

He sighed again, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes.

Where were the fucking scrolls?

Who lost scrolls? Who lost two-thousand-year-old scrolls?

Him, apparently.

“Fuck.”

Could one thing go right? He’d fumbled talking to Jehoel, Asmodeus had managed to cop a feel, he was fairly certain Michael was beginning to realize he couldn’t, in fact, see her seeing as he’d tripped over a polearm that had fallen but was, apparently, very visible. ‘Are you fucking blind?’ Had been Gabriel’s laughing words, but Michael, who was positioned just right for Raphael to be able to see her with absolute clarity, had had a look on her face he didn’t like. Camael, he was certain, was starting to realize something wasn’t right. Raphael had been stupid enough to stop paying so much attention in his apartment. Camael, for all he liked new things, loved familiarity; he’d had stainless steel, white everything, and glass tables since when neon was all the rage for house colors, and Raphael had never known him to get a new piece of furniture. Like Raphael, he moved every decade or so before anyone could start noticing his lack of aging. Even still, almost every apartment was laid out the same way.

So he’d been shocked when, looking at Camael as he talked, he’d stepped where he knew clear floor to be and felt the corner of the coffee table strike his shin. He’d fallen spectacularly, only able to be thankful that he’d landed off the table instead of on it because that would surely have been far more painful.

This was why he hated glass furniture.

Then again, if this was what came of using all his luck to get his family back, he wouldn’t complain. He’d take bad luck for the rest of his life if he had to.

The sigils flared an alert against his consciousness as he heard dirt shifting behind him. There wasn’t a sound of pain or a feeling of alarm, so he closed his eyes and took another deep breath.

“Hey Raphi,” Lilith said. He opened his eyes and stared at the far wall, then turned to greet her. He’d almost hoped it was someone with intent on harming him.

“Hey,” he said, perhaps a bit too harshly.

“You have a minute?” She asked, wiping dirt off her jeans.

Did he have a moment?

“Do I-?” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Do I have a moment?” Lilith stared at him in obvious confusion. “Do I have a moment?” His voice rose in volume.

“I only have to figure out how to get Asmodeus not to act like a Goddamned nymphomaniac because angels are complaining, Berith to act like a person because he’s freaking people out, work out the ranks, figure out who the Hell keeps setting shit on fire in Heaven, figure out who keeps sending me holy water, get Agares off my back, play counselor to half of Heaven and Hell, and find these damn scrolls I couldn’t care less about! Yeah, I have all the time in the fucking world!”

Lilith blinked at him, wide-eyed. The chihuahua-shaped hellhounds at her feet shivered, but they always did that. “Well,” she finally said, “tell me how you really feel.”

His face flushed an ugly, blotchy silver. To keep from saying something he would certainly regret, or doing something he would certainly regret (he was getting better at thinking before he acted, Camael would be very proud of him), he spun on his heel and stalked to the center of the room.

Or maybe not, because he snapped “How I really feel?” He stooped, picking up the ushabti with his bare hands. The holy object met his skin with a sound like meat thrown on a hot, greased pan, and Lilith lurched towards him with an alarmed sound. “I feel like everyone should leave me the Hell alone for five damn minutes!”

Lilith smacked the ushabti out of his hand, sending it skittering across the dirt. “Are you insane?” She unpeeled his clenched fingers, hissing when steam rose from his blistering hand.

Canines elongating, he snarled.

“Just because you’re pissy doesn’t mean you can go off at me, damn!” Lilith scowled at him. “Or pick up something blessed with bare hands. You think you’re going to be useful to anyone without a hand?”

He tried to pull his hand away, but she had a very tight grip. She flicked her talons out, digging them into his flesh in warning. “You’re not going to be useful to anyone if you snap, you know. You need to take a break.”

Her brown eyes met his, and he had to look away. “A break? When do I have time for that?”

“You have to make time.” With that, he yelped as she shoved him away. His balance already precarious, he tripped. Bracing for a painful landing, he was startled to find himself landing on a pile of - were those furs? Animal pelts? Who still used animal pelt piles? Even in Hell, they’d largely made the switchover to sleeping bags, cots, and futons.

He blinked up at her owlishly. Before he could do more than push up onto his elbows, beginning to say “What’s wrong with you?”, she stooped down, picking up Momo.

Oh no.

Raphael hated many things. What humans had done to isicia omentata. Rome. Loud noises and bright lights. Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Things that felt goopy. Fake tans. The word ‘supple’ in English, ‘dedo do pé’ in Portuguese, and ‘brustwarze’ in German. Horses. Clowns (they were just rip-offs of jesters. Jesters were better and looked less terrifying). Palm trees.

But he hated Momo and Nina, worst of all.

They were hellhounds, which meant he didn’t like them on principle. Hellhounds were nasty creatures, with a tendency to bite first and ask questions never. And they confused him. They confused all of Hell, actually. While she considered Momo male and Nina female, Hellhounds were sexless. No one knew how they reproduced, they just did. One day you had one, the next you had the one and a pack of hellfire-eyed, stone-toothed puppies with less self-control than regular dog puppies.

When you compressed that into a form small enough that a child could punt it and spoiled it out of Hell, you ended up with a hellhound that felt the need to prove itself. Or, in their case, two.

Nasty things, but she loved them to death. He’d been the one to help her pick them out of a litter they’d found in a cave, and he’d regretted it ever since.

Raphael scrambled to stand, but she was faster. Momo landed on his stomach, knocking the breath from his lungs. He froze - that little face was innocent, muzzle short and blunt, eyes wide and round, ears comically large, and Lilith kept his long, brown and white fur immaculate. But those teeth were far too long and far too sharp, and there was too much red in those brown eyes. Lilith let them nap in her lap for hours, but he’d seen how suddenly they could move, and how quickly they could cover ground. Of the many things he’d seen in his long life, Nina going from a dead sleep to ripping open an imp twenty feet down the tunnel was one of the scariest. He wouldn’t have time to twitch before Momo’s teeth were buried in his throat.

Momo plopped his butt down, plume-like tail wagging.

“Phone,” Lilith demanded, holding out her hand.

He refused to look away from Momo’s unblinking eyes. “What?”

“Give me your phone. You need a break. I’m getting you one.”

“I’m not-”

She stooped down, still holding out her hand. Raphael whimpered when she straightened, holding Nina threateningly in her other hand.

“Phone,” she said, grinning. His fear of them was a never-ending source of amusement for her. Nina yipped, wriggling, paddling her hind legs where they dangled. The light that came off the single torch in his cave shone oddly against her blueish, brown-orange and white, disturbingly short fur.

Raphael whimpered in horror as Momo leaned forward to lick his chin.

“I know your phone has voice… whatever it’s called. I’m not afraid to use it. You want me to call them through your pants?”

She stretched out her arm, dangling Nina over him.

Raphael gave her his phone.

Nina landed in his lap. He yelped, going rigid, as she circled to get comfortable. Her pin-prick nails dug into his legs.

He yelped, startled, as Lilith flopped down onto the furs beside him. “Your phone makes me sad,” she said, flicking between Michael, Gabriel, and Camael’s contacts. “You need to add stickers, or a nice case, or a keychain. Just, make it look less like an old man phone?”

“’s not an old man phone,” Raphael grumbled. Even if it was, wasn’t he technically an old man? But he liked his phone. It was black and white and plain and sturdy. It didn’t have any of those ridiculous extra things people added. Who needed pop-out things on the back? Or sparkly cases? Just seemed a waste of time and money to him. “I like it.”

He went cross-eyed as, Nina having curled up in his lap, Momo leaned forward to lick his nose.

“You make me sad,” Lilith said.

Lilith told him that a lot.

“Now lie down,” she pushed down on his chest. He went down with a grunt. Momo flopped forward, curling up on his chest, and immediately began to snore. Smoke puffed from his nostrils with every breath in time with the smoke pluming from Nina’s, like she were some tiny dragon.

“You are going to sleep,” Lilith said, twisting to rest her head on his shoulder, pinning him down, “for at least a few hours. Then you are going to relax for a few days.”

“But-”

“Raph, you’re a dick when you’re stressed. You want to blow all this up because someone asked you for a moment when you were trying to take a break? Angels are already trying to prove we’re not safe to be around.”

She did have a point. He sighed. Momo grunted, squirming to get comfortable. His nails dug into Raphael’s chest to hold him still.

“I don’t like you.”

Lilith grinned, knowing she’d won. “Love you too.” She flicked to Michael’s contact (that they had become fast friends worried him. They could take over Heaven, Hell, and Creation if they put their heads together) and pressed call.

He had a pocket-sized apex predator on his chest and another on his lap.

How she expected him to sleep, he had no idea.

#whumptember2023 #whumptember day 8 #day eight: lashing out #sicktember2023 #sicktember day 1 #sicktember day 19 #saudade #raphael #lilith #one-shot #original story #original writing #tw minor self harm #tw mentions of non consensual touching #sicktember 2023

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sweetchildcloud · 24 days

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||Cherish me part 2 || written by me

🔞 Gojo x reader| Minors DNI| TRIGGER WARNING 🔞

Plot: Gojo taking care and pampering a depressed raeder [self insert only about he depression and shower,not about the abusive mother ,i just wanted to add more angst lol]

Tags: sh,depression,Gojo x reader,cute,fluff,comfort,implied naked shower together,Gojo pampering you,past abuse mention,scalding,abusive mother(reader) [ viewers be aware,if this is touchy or unconfortable for you then don't go haed]

Warning: it starts immediately with sh talking

i'm no english native so sorry for some mistakes

please reblog 🔁 and like❤️

P.S: yesterday i did a shower thinking of Gojo doing it for me and since i feel depressed lately i wanted to write this and share my comfort.

i'm so delusional. lol

@muzansslxt @candy69gurl @kiwicopia

Satoru doesn’t let you finish. “Your cuts” he continues, almost as if he can’t bring himself to look away. “From last week and today” his voice is so soft, barely audibly.

He reaches out and takes your wrists between his hands, turning them over as he examines the cuts. “I know you weren’t just ‘scraping’ yourself” he says in a sharp tone. “You’re hurting yourself.”

“I-“ you try and pull your wrists away, but he firmly holds onto them. You flinch and quickly try and brush it off. You’re not ready to talk about it. But you know he won’t let it go.

“You’ve been doing this for a while now, haven’t you?” He doesn’t let you answer, and he’s holding onto your wrists too tightly. It hurts. “Tell the truth.”

“It doesn’t matter!” you finally cry out, your voice cracking. “I’m fine. I don’t need anyone. I just…I…”

Satoru doesn’t allow you to finish. He pulls your hands up to his chest and hugs you. Not just a friendly hug, he pulls you in tightly, almost as if he’s worried about losing you.

“It’s not okay” he says softly, stroking your hair. “You’re not okay.”

“I’m fine, I swear…” your voice cracks, and you know you’re close to crying. You’re not okay but it’d be better if he didn’t worry about you. You shouldn’t be so emotional anyway.

“I just…” you trail off. He’s holding you so tightly as he strokes your hair gently. It’s so soothing, and you can’t help but wish he would hold you like this always.

You just… you just want to be held.

He squeezes you tighter, and the two of you stay like this for a few moments. It’s too quiet, and you can almost hear his heartbeat.

Satoru presses a light kiss to your head then finally lets go. “I’ll run you a shower, okay? Go get cleaned up” he says softly. He holds your hand and walks you into the bathroom, helping you strip and giving you privacy. But it’s okay. You’ll be okay.

"But I don't want to shower" You whimpered annoyed

He gives you a firm look. “It wasn’t a question” he says simply, and begins undressing.

He’s already running the shower, and the bathroom fills with a warm haze. He strips out of his jacket and then his shirt, leaving only his boxers on. You can see the scars from countless battles marking his pale skin. Every muscle of his body is well-defined. And all you can do is stare in awe.

"You're gonna shower with me?" You spoke as he tugs you in towards the shower

“Of course.” He says it so simply and his bright blue eyes look into yours. “I’m gonna make sure there aren’t any razors in here, and then I’m gonna wash you myself. We need to clean out those cuts before they get infected.”

He stands under the water for a moment then grabs your soap, lathering your body with it slowly. He takes his time, moving gently and examining you closely. You almost feel like he’s worshipping you.

He takes a breath as he glances at your back and continues to lather you in soap. He’ll bring the burn up later. But for now he focuses solely on cleaning you.

Once he’s done, he reaches out and grabs the shampoo. “Head back, close your eyes.” You do, and he pours the shampoo onto your hair and then slowly washing it and massaging your scalp.

You trembled as your big burn scar on your back was exposed,memories flooded your mind,your mother pouring hot water on you calling you 'useless child'

You flinch and start to tremble as the memories return to you. The words from your mother play endlessly inside your head.

The sound of soap slipping through his hands brings you back to reality, and he continues to massage your scalp without skipping a beat.

He finishes massaging your hair gently, and then he takes the conditioner and rubs it through your hair carefully. He doesn't say anything for a moment until he's done, and then he pulls you against his chest tightly.

He rests his chin on the top of your head as he pulls you even closer. He nuzzles your hair and wraps his arms around you tightly. He holds you so close and protects you so gently. He doesn’t care about your scars or the pain that lingers over your heart. He doesn't know about your abusive past. He just holds you and comforts you, wanting nothing in return but your happiness. "It's okay" he says quietly, kissing the top of your head.

"it's not…ugly?" You asked trembling "i don't remember much..just my mum calling from the kitchen and then..she tooked the pot with boiling water in it that was supposed to be used for ramen and just…poured on me"

"Shh" he says, pressing his mouth onto your forehead to soothe you and distract you from those haunting memories.

"It doesn't matter" he whispers, as the water from the shower splashes.

"I don't care about your scars" he continues softly. "They're part of you. And who you are is beautiful."

The water cascades down your body, making your hair slick. He continues to trace his fingers along your scars, not judging or making any comments. Just… embracing them.

"Scars are proof that you survived what broke you" he says in a comforting tone. He kisses your forehead again and continues to stroke your hair as the water rinses the conditioner out.

"And that alone makes you strong" he says firmly.

"Plus, I think they look pretty. And who doesn't love scars?"

His tone is playful, although you can tell he's serious about not caring about the scars.

You feel like you're stuck in time. His voice is like a lullaby that soothes you. He strokes your hair, and the water makes your skin feel warm. You lean into him, and he holds you tighter.

All of your past trauma… all of your fears. It all feels like it's fading away in his arms. No matter how broken you may be, he'll always be there to pick up the pieces.

After a while, he turns off the water and dries you off with a towel before helping you put on a robe.

His hand runs up and down your back, massaging you and helping you relax. You're so grateful for his touch. After a while, he speaks up, his voice so gentle and soothing.

"Do you have a skincare routine?" He asks, sounding more curious than anything. "I'm guessing…you don't."

"do i look bad? does my skin feel bad?" You asked sounding hurt

"That's not what I meant" he says quickly. "Sorry, I guess I phrased that badly."

He pauses for a moment, thinking, and then gives you a small smile. "Your skin looks healthy. Maybe a little dull, but that's easy to fix. I was just wondering if you had a skincare routine or not."

When you don't reply, he continues "We should work on one for you" he says excitedly. "We can go out shopping together. I can show you the products I use. That would be fun, right? Plus, you wouldn't have to go out alone."

When he asks about shopping with you, he says it so excitedly, sounding like a kid asking his crush on a date.

"If you're the one putting products on me then.." you snuggled into his chest,you hand cupped and covered by the robe sleeve "I guess it will be okay" you mumbled

He chuckles and pulls you in closer. "Does that mean yes?" he asks softly, his hand stroking your cheek.

"And not just for shopping, I can help with applying products. And maybe you can try that face mask I bought. It says it'll give you 'radiant' dewy skin'."

He pauses for a beat and giggles softly. "I think it might look cute on your cheeks" he says, making you laugh too. The sound is so contagious.

Satoru smiles wider and ruffles your hair affectionately, his hands moving to your shoulders. "We could make a night of it. Order some food, and I can do a face mask too. I'm sure it'll look great on me." He winks playfully, clearly making up excuses to spend time with you.

Your eyes flicker to the floor when you realize that's all he wants. Time. As much time as he can make with you. He wants to fill each second of life with you.

“And I’ll tell you a secret.” He pauses for a beat again, and you listen intently, trying to understand what “secret” he would feel the need to tell you. “You’ll be the first person to see me with makeup on” he says in a whisper. “And I’m nervous.”

He chuckles lightly and rubs your shoulder again. The robe slips off your shoulder, and he pulls it back up, fixing it onto your body before speaking again.

“We should get matching face masks” he says. “Y’know, make it cute.” This time his tone is playful, and he grins down at you. “We could watch a movie or something. I’ll even set up a blanket fort for us to cuddle inside” he says, sounding like a child once again.

He’ll do anything for you. And you know that by now. His voice is so soft, and his eyes are warm as he studies your expression.

“And we’ll get snacks” he continues excitedly. “Popcorn, Doritos, chocolate. Do you like Cheetos? I can buy some cheesy Cheetos.”

He pauses, waiting for a response. It’s always cute to see him so giddy. “We’ll make a mountain of snacks out of the blanket fort and lie in it all night” he says, his voice full of wonder.

“I…I wanna make a memory with you, y’know? We can do anything you want.”

He rubs your shoulder again and then your hair. “So, what do you think? Wanna have a skincare night with me? We’ll make it a date night or something.”

He leans in and kisses your forehead. “And then we do the blanket fort the next time. You can decorate it however you want, and I’ll follow along.”

“And then you can tell me all about your scars” he chuckles, rubbing the back of your neck. “We can talk about anything you want.”

A few moments pass, and you don’t say anything, feeling lost in thought. Eventually, you speak with soft voice. “Yeah…” you say, feeling oddly giddy inside as if you’re a kid on Christmas morning. “That would be really nice, actually.”

He smiles and tilts your head up so that he can look you in the eye. “Then we have a date” he says, making his voice sound very enthusiastic. “It’ll be a big skin care night with movie and snacks and…”

“And more snacks, right?” you ask, and he nods enthusiastically.

“I’m gonna do a whole night dedicated to you” he continues. “We’ll focus on your skin, get some good food, and cuddle in a blanket fort.”

Your heart feels like it’s pounding through your chest as you think of all the things he suggested. “It sounds amazing…” you hesitate before continuing. “Do you promise it’s gonna be…c-cute?”

“It’ll be the cutest” he says with such conviction that you don’t know how it could be possible.

“Trust me, everything we do together is bound to turn out cute.” He grins goofily and strokes your cheek gently.

“It’ll be a date night of just us. I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing.” He pauses for a moment and looks you in the eyes again. “Nothing would be cuter to me than just spending the night with you.”

You grin sheepishly as you stare back at him. Your stomach twists in knots and your skin flushes.

His words are simple but you melt at their sincerity.

His bright smile, his eyes filled with a soft kind of love. Just the way he stares at you and speaks to you fills you with butterflies.

You know that he means every single word; there's no deceit in them.

In the silence between you, you realize just how important he is to you. You can't imagine a life without him in it.

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eclaire-went-bam · 2 months

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tips on how to deal with cluster b rage is useful and all what like what do i do when i'm bored

genuine question

i'm not aspd (i say that cus i know chronic boredom's usually big for that one) but i do get painfully bored extremely often. i'll be under no emotional distress and then i'll decide to self-mutilate simply because i'm bored and it's funny & i don't think that's a good thing

#“do something to occupy your time” everything here is boring i need to Feel something #tw self harm #tw sh #i occasionally stir up minor trouble when i'm bored but like i enjoy being a good creature and i enjoy being seen that way so this is the #only other way ????#often i can control the urge but sometimes it gets really bad #this may sound ableist or insensitive or whatever but i also don't like being seen with wounds of any type because i feel it makes me look #less infallible #not that i view other people that way. just me #cluster b #npd #aspd #hpd #bpd

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devilcatdarling · 8 months

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Dawn shall break ~

I've been really sick this past week so I didn't draw much. Here's a messy sketch to make up for it <3

#hollow knight #hollow knight fanart #hollow knight art #hollow my beloved #tw impalement #tw self harm #minor gore

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mother-ofthe-universedraws · 9 months

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More Simon! And fun facts about the little guy.

CW! For the fork stabbing thing

#gravity falls #son of stan #son of stan au #stanley pines #stan pines #simon pines oc #simon pines #stanford pines #ford pines #gravity falls oc #original characters #cannon typical gore #minor self harm tw #pyrophobia #color blindness #same coin theory

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madcatdaderpydrawer-blog · 7 months

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Remembered nights habit of hitting himself on the head and scratching when stressed and now I’m wondering how infero would handle that. It’s not purposefully self harmful, it’s just a shit habit

#sams au #trapped forever au #tw self harm #it’s minor but there thus the tag #lord infero

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another-whump-sideblog · 3 months

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I’d kill someone to see any form of Jane whump

YES YES YES

I made a new friend today.

I've been avoiding getting close to people for a while. It hurts too much when they die. But being alone hurts too, so really it's just a matter of choosing what's slightly less painful, and today it was making a friend.

He's a scientist. He asks me lots of questions about my powers, and some of them are things I haven't even thought about! I think he wants to figure out how to become immortal himself. It would be nice to not be alone, but I don't think it would be a good idea. I think he's really ungrateful for the fact that he can die, that he has an emergency exit if things get too bad, but I don't try to convince him. If he decides he doesn't want to be immortal, he might decide he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and he's interesting. I don't want to stop talking to him.

We run lots of tests. I've done most of them before, but he seems to like figuring stuff out on his own instead of trusting my word, which is fair. I show him how if I cut off a limb, some force always pulls it back to where it should go, increasing until my body is whole again. We cut off one of my fingers and lock it in a safe. It takes twenty minutes for the force to increase enough to break through the safe walls.

"Fascinating." He says. I like it when he says that. I like to pretend he thinks I'm interesting and not just my powers.

Eventually, I tell him I think my blood is important to the immortality somehow. Usually the way my healing works is reversing wounds, but I seem to just make more and more blood the moment I need it, no matter how starved or dehydrated my body is. I can't produce new tears if my body doesn't have enough water, but I can always, always produce more blood.

He immediately wants to have a transfusion of my blood. I tell him no, of course. Eventually, he convinces me we could try watering a plant with my blood to see what happens. Plants can't suffer from being immortal, they don't have feelings or thoughts, so I agree.

At first, it doesn't seem to be working. I don't think it will work, but we do have access to infinite amounts of my blood, so we just keep doing more and more. I make sure it only ever goes into the plant, and he has no opportunity to transfuse any into his own body. When I think the plant is more likely to die from being in a pot so filled with liquid than it is to become immortal, we do the daily test, and... it works. He cuts a tiny piece off of one of the leaves, but it never falls. He cuts off a bigger piece, and we can see with even more clarity how it reattaches.

Oh, I don't like that at all. I don't like the look on his face when it finally works, I don't like that my blood has the potential to hurt people so badly.

I have to convince him not to try eating the plant by reminding him that it's too big to eat all at once and that something inside you trying to reattach to something outside you can only have negative consequences.

He lights the plant on fire, and it burns endlessly. That's pretty cool, but I'm worried the fumes will hurt someone, so while he's asleep I put it out and bring it into my void. I've never been able to do that with something living before, but I guess since I can go in my void it makes sense that something so made of me can go in there too.

He's furious, but there's not much he can do. He can't even land a blow on me, with my ability to teleport.

He's not a very nice person. I like that, I think. It won't hurt so bad when he dies, and I still get some company for the next few decades.

A few weeks later, he drinks a vial of some kind of poison in front of me and says that it'll be my fault if he dies because I don't give him a transfusion of my blood.

"You fucking idiot." I tell him. "Did you not notice that the pieces we cut off the plant before it became immortal never grew back?? Even if I was willing to make you immortal, chances are you'd be immortal and constantly experiencing the effects of being poisoned."

He's already looking sick, so I don't think he faked drinking it.

"I can help you if you want. I'll give you some charcoal, or a more specific antidote if you tell me what that was." I'm trying to sound unbothered, but I really thought I'd get a few more decades out of this guy...

"I'll fight you the whole way." He says. "And if you manage to save me, I'll just do it again until you make me immortal."

And then he collapses and vomits all over himself.

"I was just a tool to you this whole time..." I knew that, and he was just a tool to me too, so why does seeing him curled up on the floor in pain hurt? Why do I want to fix it even though I know he'll just keep trying anyway?

I should just leave. He's a nasty person trying to manipulate me using a suicide attempt and he deserves to die alone. But I don't leave.

I sit beside him and stroke his hair and tell him that I will miss him, that he was my only friend for a while, that I wish he could've been smart enough not to do this, not to seek out immortality.

I tell him all about how much immortality sucks as he dies. I tell him how lucky he is, how he'd be in this much pain forever if he was immortal. I tell him about all the people I've loved and watched die, I tell him about the loneliness and the boredom of being immortal, I tell him about how I've used poisons like that on myself before just to feel something for a few minutes. Forty-five minutes after he drinks the poison, his heart stops beating.

I go into my void and cry.

#ask #thank you so much for the ask!!#eatyourdamnpears #jane's pets #minor whump #debatably #can only really emotionally whump Jane for obvious reasons #emotional whump #suicidal ideation tw #self harm tw #emeto tw #suicide tw #poison tw #including some LORE because I don't think Liam'll ever find out about some of this stuff in the main series #so it's not really a spoiler #she's only a couple centuries old at this point #I try to make her perspective distinctly inhuman while also being childlike so I hope that comes through

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wowwzaaxei-aster · 5 months

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Feel free to ignore

cw: bright image, incest, self harm, sexual assault and harassment, grooming, manipulation, sexualization of minor

#Asterv3nts #heavy vent #personal #I’m going to be posting real art again soon #just going through something right now #Sorry #tw self harm #tw sexualization of minors #tw eyestrain #tw sa #tw sa vent #tw incest mention #tw manipulation #tw grooming

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theflyingfeeling · 8 months

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Did someone order an angsty Olli/Allu piece with an attempt at hurt/comfort and a pinch of some melancholic spice? No? Well, I wrote one anyway, I hope you enjoy 🖤

~~~

just want your energy, a piece of that fractured mountain

I'll take whatever comes with it as long as it's yours

— Piece of Your Heart by Mayday Parade

~~~

Aleksi wasn't sure how long he had been staring at Olli's sleeping face until he realised the man was only pretending to sleep. Likewise, Aleksi couldn't decide what had finally given it away; it might have been the way Olli seemed to hold his breath whenever people passed their door in the echoing hotel corridor or every time Aleksi's phone pinged on the nightstand, or maybe the final clue had been how, every time Aleksi had shifted under the duvet to keep his arm from going numb or to adjust his pillow, Olli had moved himself closer to Aleksi, ever so slightly, so that their limbs would be touching again.

However, there was no reaction when Aleksi lifted his hand to lightly caress Olli's cheek, no sign of his stern expression softening. Aleksi repressed a sigh. He wanted to respect Olli's silence, even if it stung his heart a little.

Seasonal melancholia for reasons I can't explain, Olli had told him.

Can't or won't? Aleksi had wanted to ask, but had kept his mouth shut instead. Perhaps Olli really didn't have the words to spell out why his mood turned blue whenever the leaves in the trees turned red and yellow, and why it all seemed to be so much more severe this year, much more oppressive and unsettling, to the point that Aleksi didn't know what to do some days, didn't know how to ease Olli's pain without Aleksi being able to crawl inside his head and shovel out all the sadness. He knew it wasn't his place to do so, nor did Olli expect him to, but he felt so utterly helpless when all he could do was sit by Olli and share his physical space while his mind was somewhere else completely, far out of Aleksi's reach, no matter how hard he tried to hold out his hand.

Yet, he kept trying. He had to, because every time Olli was like this – absent, disappeared into another dimension – Aleksi was scared this would be the time Olli wouldn't come back to him anymore. That was why, despite the lack of response and the hollow feeling inside his own chest, Aleksi kept stroking Olli's shaven cheek, careful not to disturb his seeming peace too much.

Olli's long lashes rested against his cheekbones. On a less sombre Sunday morning, Aleksi would've blown air on them, just to see them flutter and eventually reveal the blue behind them, often followed by a sleepy smile and a revenge of some kind: a pinch to Aleksi's side or a scheming hand sneaking inside the back of Aleksi's boxers to punish him for disrupting Olli's sleep.

(Every time the others would joke about Olli being a heavy sleeper, Aleksi would laugh along; not because he agreed, but because he knew better – or perhaps he just had certain, unfair advantages.)

The task of taking in Olli's unreadable expression was far too important to abandon for the sake of checking the time or opening the messages that kept Aleksi's phone buzzing on the small table beside the bed. He didn't need to anyway; Aleksi assumed it was past the opening hours of the breakfast buffet already, and the band group chat was probably asking what was up and if the two of them were joining the shopping spree that had been planned for the day. He reckoned they could always get blueberry muffins from the 7-Eleven across the street and that they could catch up with the others later, should they feel like checking out the malls and boutiques of downtown Seattle. Right now, all Aleksi needed to do was make sure Olli was comfortable, to make him feel safe enough to maybe allow Aleksi to carry some of his burden for him, whatever it was.

Holding back another hopeless sigh, Aleksi gave up his attempts to have Olli open his eyes or in any other way indicate he was awake. He retreated his hand with one final stroke across Olli's cheek, biting his inner lip as if that did anything to stop his own eyes from stinging. Olli looked so lovely, lying there next to him so peacefully, yet Aleksi knew his mind was anything but; it felt unfair in every aspect of the situation – Olli's misery and Aleksi's inability to do anything about it – so was it really any wonder that Aleksi, too, was a little downcast?

If his tears would've done anything at all to bring Olli back to life, back to him, Aleksi would've filled the entire Pacific Ocean with them.

Blinking rapidly and trying to calm his shaky breathing, Aleksi almost missed Olli cracking his eyes open slightly, shooting him a sleepy gaze before closing them again,

"Don't stop." In the bleak quietness of the room, Olli's silent request sounded louder than it was, deafening in its anguish more than in its volume.

Aleksi was quick to return his hand to Olli's face, using his palm to cup Olli's cheek and his thumb to stroke softly over his cheekbone. It was then he saw the smallest of shifts in Olli's expression: the slight crease of his brow softening, the thin line of his lips relaxing, his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed and rested his head deeper against his pillow. Encouraged by the response, Aleksi shuffled closer and touched the tip of his nose to Olli's, hoping to see his eyelids flutter again or maybe even his lips twitch. For a long, heart-breaking second Aleksi felt defeated, but then Olli nudged his nose against Aleksi's own, and Aleksi felt a little easy to breathe again.

I'm here, Aleksi communicated wordlessly with another nudge, a little further up the bridge of Olli's nose, right by his cheekbone. Anything you need, I'm here for you.

Even his stomach objecting for the lack of breakfast couldn't stop Aleksi from nuzzling up against Olli like a lovesick kitten, but Olli begged to differ.

"Are you hungry?" Aleksi wanted to silence such irrelevant questions with a kiss to Olli's lips; they were close enough for that very purpose.

"Kinda," he mumbled nevertheless. "You?"

Olli didn't answer. Aleksi didn't expect him to.

"We can stay here a little longer. If you want to."

Olli sighed and pressed his forehead against Aleksi's. Aleksi took that as a yes.

It was close to noon when they ventured out to find something to eat. There was a cosy-looking coffee shop down the road, but they ended up gathering their brunch supplies from their nearest convenience store and retreating back to their hotel room, deciding the coffee shop was too crowded and suffered from a sever lack of soft beds to cuddle on. They even made out some, which they hadn't done since they had set foot on North American soil; Olli's kisses tasted of cheap corner store chocolate and vending machine coffee, all the makings of an easy, lazy Sunday far away from home, and it was almost enough for Aleksi to ignore the frown that was threatening to make its return to Olli's presence.

Almost.

In the afternoon the band gathered for a scheduled rehearsal at the studio of a friend of a friend of a friend, and for every hour that passed, the comfort of the noon seemed like a distant memory. With a worried scowl, Aleksi watched Olli go on about his routines without a word: fixing the strings of his bass and strumming out notes with a solemn face, never missing a single beat, yet somehow not fully in the music either, which was the polar opposite of what Olli usually was when he played. He said nothing to participate in the conversations around him, although Aleksi knew he was listening. He hardly reacted to Tommi's puns and only smiled wryly at Aleksi's, which was cold comfort in the bigger picture, but comfort nevertheless. He stayed in Aleksi's proximity as they played, sat by his side when they took a break, even rested his head on Aleksi's shoulder when sleepiness seemed to get the better of him. As the afternoon turned into evening and the topic of conversation began to shift from music to beer and TGI Friday's, Olli shot Aleksi a look that spoke more than a thousand words.

Take me home.

Aleksi couldn't do that, of course, so he did the next best thing and excused them so they could leave the others with their after-practice plans and take a cab back to the hotel.

Back in their room, it didn't take them long to end up exactly how they had started the day, facing each other on the bed under the duvet, Aleksi's hand gently smoothing Olli's skin. The only difference was that Olli's eyes were open – drowsy, but open – and that his breathing was somehow more heavier, hotter against Aleksi's lips.

Aleksi knew what it meant the moment he felt Olli's hand on his neck.

Olli's lips on his felt like a ghost of a kiss at first, a shadow of all the passion Aleksi knew was hiding somewhere inside his lover. Aleksi let Olli slide his tongue inside Aleksi's mouth, deepening the kiss with each deep breath he took; he let Olli's fingers graze over his bare chest, along his side to his hips and from there to the front of his boxers.

His palm worked in a circular motion imitating the movements of Olli's tongue inside Aleksi's mouth.

"Are you sure?" Aleksi pulled back when his cock began to show interest towards Olli's skilled fingers.

As a reply to Aleksi's question, Olli grabbed his hand by the wrist, interrupting its efforts in fondling Olli's back, and shamelessly placed it on his own bulge. The hardness under the fabric was all the hint Aleksi needed.

While they pleasured each other, their kisses grew hungrier, needier, almost overwhelmingly so, until Aleksi had to withdraw with a gasp to fill his lungs with much-needed air. He barely had time to exhale before Olli's lips were back on his, hasty, desperate, urgent, nearly breaking Aleksi's heart all over again with their despair. As Olli's movements got more frantic, with his hand picking up its speed on Aleksi's cock and his hips thrusting into Aleksi's fist, his teeth began to nibble on Aleksi's bottom lip. Aleksi didn't have to guess what it was a sign of once he felt the teeth sink in deeper, full-on biting him as Olli chased his climax with Aleksi's hand on him, stroking him closer to the edge until Aleksi could taste traces of iron on his tongue. It was then Olli released his lip, gasping as his semen spilled over Aleksi's fingers, painting them white and wet. Moaning softly, Aleksi followed shortly after with Olli's generous help, too generous even, as his hand was still pumping Aleksi's hard-on when the aftershocks of his orgasm made his body tremble.

(Fair enough, Olli had the power to make him tremble even without his hand on his cock; most days, all Olli needed to do was just look at him a certain way, and he'd crumble like an overbaked ginger biscuit.)

The look on Olli's eyes now was dark and dazed, yet Aleksi could detect a hint of serenity in them, behind all the shades of sadness. It may as well be gone in the morning, but Aleksi allowed himself to revel in the sparkle of hope he saw in front of him, in his lover's gaze.

Before they'd fall asleep, Aleksi fetched a towel to dry them both clean (and nearly passed out when Olli used his finger to wipe a drop of Aleksi's cum off his abdomen and brought it to his lips); then he lay down on his back to make room for Olli under his armpit, knowing (and hoping) that's where he preferred to be after sex, and by some happy coincidence, that's exactly where Aleksi wanted (more like needed) him as well.

Maybe Olli would be a step closer to him in the morning. Perhaps he'd have taken two more steps back. However it may be, Aleksi would be right there waiting for him, ready whenever he was, his hand already reaching out for Olli's.

#don't ask what the point of this is. fuck if i know i'm just the author 😭 make what you will of it i guess #a confession: i'm not big on hurt/comfort 💀#guess it's all the years loneliness and having to comfort myself lol #and i don't even know if this falls on that category to begin with 😅 i tried though!#also: no i will not stop screaming about 'piece of your heart' by mayday parade #it's one of the most beautiful songs out there and the very definition of love 🤧#tw blood #very minor though! i promise! no self-harm! someone just gets a bit carried away during sexytimes! read and find out! 🙏#random tumblr ficlets by theflyingfeeling #blind channel fanfiction #blind channel rpf #ollixallu #if you spot any typos/errors no you don't and besides i'll fix them tomorrow when i can keep my eyes open again

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mommysbluntlittleinstrument · 9 months

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Watching the Supernatural season 13 finale rn and Jack’s meltdown is so accurate to my autistic experience. The guilt he feels for hurting others manifesting in explosive emotions and self harm is exactly how I behaved as a child/teen. it’s so crazy for me to see that depicted on this god forsaken show but I love it and I love him so much <3

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cannibalruikasa · 6 months

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me when im in a mental illness competition and my opponent is tsukasa tenma asswrs

#asswrs #tsukasa tenma #tw self harm #tw gore #its minor but ill tag it anyway #prsk

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somehowmags · 2 years

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what c!aimsey said about c!eret using the museum as a coping mechanism is true, but i think that it goes a bit farther than that. to me it’s almost like she’s using the museum as a form of penance. like she’s punishing herself by never letting herself leave the past even after she’s been forgiven by every victim of the fcr. it’s not like she’s reliving happy memories. she’s remembering a time where nobody trusted her with anything, when she was a figurehead, and being manipulated and used by dream. she’s isolated herself in the castle and the museum, not reaching out to anyone because of the fear that they too will hate her, with her memory deteriorating again and the reminder of her past mistakes all around her. in all honesty, it reads to me more like self harm

#tw self harm #rip to yall who are mad about minor shit i am feasting on the juicy characterization i got from this stream #anyways as always this is about the characters and not the streamers ofc ofc #dream smp #dsmp #eret #analysis #dsmp analysis #chatters #anyways this is kinda dark and angsty i know but i think this stream ended on the important note that she has Hope again #after her long isolation and fear and self doubt she's finally starting to come back outside into the light #which is i think a very important message

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actress4him · 8 months

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Whumptober 2023 - Day 11 - Royal AU

This is the second piece I've written for the Brumaria Royal AU (neither of which have actually had Bruno in them). The first one can be found here and tells the story of Kamaria becoming the Princess of Ethorcon!

Taglist: @painful-pooch

The Shadow of Death Masterlist

No. 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.” | “No one will find you.”

Contains: lady whump, referenced past whump of a minor, claustrophobia, nyctophobia, corporal punishment, referenced beating, minor sh (scratching)

It’s so dark.

Kamaria rubs her hands up and down her satin skirt, trying to give her mind something to focus on besides the darkness. The rustle it makes is extraordinarily loud in the stillness. It’s no longer enough, though, not after this long standing in the tiny space, so she clenches her hands into fists, letting her long fingernails dig into her palms.

She needs out.

How long has it been, anyway? Time passes strangely in here. Minutes seem like hours, but the times that she convinces herself it hasn’t been that long, she’s just being dramatic, half a day has passed.

Her legs and back ache from standing in the same position, so likely it’s been at least an hour. It feels like it’s been many hours. She raises up onto her toes, relishing the stretch in her calves. On the way back down, though, her shoulder bumps up against the side of the wardrobe. The reminder of how small the space is buzzes through her whole body.

She needs out she needs out she needs out now.

She wants to scream, and kick, and generally raise a ruckus until someone comes and lets her out of here. She’s tried that before, though, back when she was young and first came to live at the castle. Either it does nothing but tire her out, because there’s no one around to hear, or Roderick does hear and she pays dearly for her insolence.

Right now, a beating or caning seems like it would be welcome, just because it would take place out in the open and the light. But she stays quiet, anyway. Scratching furiously at her arms placates some of the need to act out.

When all this first started, she wasn’t even bothered by darkness or small spaces. Even the first few times Roderick locked her in here, it wasn’t that bad. Frustrating, yes, but it didn’t make her anxious. Of course back then, she was small enough that she could sink to the floor, curl up and even nap.

She thinks it changed the first time he left her an entire day and night. She thought he’d forgotten her. And that’s the fear now, irrational as it may be - what if he forgets about her? What if something happens to him and no one else knows where she is? What if he decides she needs even more punishment and takes it too far, leaving her here until she starves or dehydrates or maybe simply loses all of her senses?

No one else but the two of them ever come into this room. No one will find her.

She knows it’s stupid. He’s left her for an entire day and night more than once, but it’s never been longer than that. Still, every time he starts pushing her this direction, her stomach churns and she considers falling to her knees and begging him to punish her another way. She’ll never actually go that far, of course. It would give him too much satisfaction. But the anxiety of facing hours in the darkness crawls up her throat and threatens to choke her every time.

Has it been another hour yet? She’s starting to get a headache. Whether from lack of sleep, food, or water, she has no idea.

If she could only braid a strand of her hair, that would keep her occupied, but it’s all pinned up in a ridiculous Ethorconite hairstyle. Scratching her arms is good. The sting of it keeps her from going crazy. Roderick will fuss about how she’s marred her skin later and she’ll have to wear long sleeves until the marks disappear, but it’s worth it.

She stops moving suddenly, straining to listen. There was something out there, something made a noise…right? She could swear she heard a footstep or maybe a door shutting.

The seconds tick by, the only sound her shaky breathing, hitting the wooden door and bouncing back to her ears. Please please please…

No one opens the door. The darkness stretches on.

#whumptober2023 #no.11 #lyric #all the lights going dark and my hope's destroyed #no one will find you #original content #fic #minor whump tw #claustrophobia tw #nyctophobia tw #corporal punishment tw #self harm tw #shadow of death #kamaria the assassin #royal au #lady whump #lady whumpee #fantasy oc #whump series

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