#to get angry in the first place because of like imposter syndrome and all that nonsense. but i just kept seeing things from that oc's story | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yumeka-sxf · 1 year

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A chronological analysis on Twilight and Yor - Part 9

*This is part of an ongoing post series. If you missed the Introduction/Part 1, click here*

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Disclaimer:

This post discusses an episode in which the chronology of the anime differs significantly compared to the manga: in the manga, Yor's "bullet-in-the-butt" date with Loid occurs much earlier, sometime after Yuri's first visit but before Bond's introduction. This makes it their first date in the manga, before their date at the bar. The anime changed it to much later in the series, even altering it slightly so Bond is included. Since I'm prioritizing the manga chronology for this post series, I will be basing my analysis on that.

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Twilight and Yor's first date episode is where we see the extent of what I mentioned before where Twilight has become much more prone to lose his cool when it comes to his (fake) family versus anyone else. He misinterprets Yor's scowl and immediate retreat to her room as her being upset with him. He doesn't even hide his shocked expression as he panics about how he's been asking too much of her lately and that's why she's upset.

As one dating activity after another fails, he frets about how his plan was a failure and he should have done more research. All his reactions in this chapter go back to another thing I mentioned before where he rarely blames others when things in his missions go wrong, especially when it comes to Yor and Anya. Rather than be angry at Yor for being seemingly unappreciative of all the fun activities he put together, he instead blames himself! (which is actually something Yor would do…maybe her imposter syndrome is rubbing off on him!)

This is one reason why Twilight and Yor stand out as a couple – they never display any ill will towards each other. For most other (future) couples, especially in anime/manga, at least one of them is often very brashly in denial about their feelings for the other, to the point of always bantering with or even openly insulting them…a standard example of "you always hurt the one you love." Of course, one could argue that the reason Twilight and Yor are always nice to each other is because it's in their own best interests to remain a (fake) happy family. But as I discussed before, even if Twilight has to constantly lie to others to get what he wants, there's no reason he'd have to lie in his own thoughts. And yet, in all these cases – when drunk Yor almost beat him up at the castle, when her training resulted in Anya getting a tonitrus, and now, when she's seemingly ungrateful for all the nice places he took her to for their date, he still doesn't get upset with her.

Has he been like this with other women he's faked relationships with? At this point in the series, we've only gotten a short glimpse of one of these relationships in the very first episode. But in that case, he's certainly not against insulting his fake partner if he feels it's justified, since we see him passive aggressively tell Karen off before breaking up with her. Of course, this could only be because he no longer needed Karen and so he didn't have to hide his dislike for her anymore. It's hard to say exactly how Twilight's relationship with Yor compares to other women, but what can be said is that he seems more likely to lose his composure when Yor or Anya are in distress than anything else on his missions.

Similar to the Berlint Aqualand visit, this chapter is peak Spy x Family humor where Twilight, Yor, and/or other characters around them have to hide something, so they lie about it, which causes others to humorously misinterpret their actions, which then causes them to misinterpret their misinterpretation…and all the while Anya knows exactly what's going on and thinks they're oh so silly (but she'll do everything she can to help them keep up their silly facade!) In Twilight's case, he wrongly thinks Yor is upset with him and he has to cheer her up. But on Yor's side, she thinks it's a learning experience where Loid is trying to teach her how to be a proper wife to keep up their charade.

Considering all that we know about Yor and her low self-image, it makes sense that she would never think he would ask her on a date because he genuinely liked her. As always, she only sees herself as a means to someone else's end. On the other hand, if Yor had asked Twilight out, he would probably assume that she had feelings for him. But, as we'll see later on during their date at the bar, due to him being the way he is, his reaction to that knowledge would be completely amiss.

When Yor has a reprieve from her injury, she's able to finally express her appreciation to Loid for all he did that night. She admits that she never had much time for fun since she was always busy taking care of Yuri, so doing all these activities with him meant a lot to her. We then get another "softly emphasized" scene (more so in the manga) from Loid's POV of her smiling sincerely at him as she tells him she'd like to go on a date again sometime. He smiles back and says he'd like that too.

Does he truly feel that way, or is he just saying that because he knows it's what she wants to hear? Like many other similar instances, it's debatable if Twilight is speaking what he truly feels or because it's "for the mission." But as I've mentioned before, Endo does give us subtle hints when he wants to show that Twilight is genuinely feeling something about what's going on around him, whether it's by adding an extra panel that focuses on his expression changing, or in this case, giving us a "softly emphasized" scene of another character from his perspective, along with a "..." in his dialogue before he responds. But whether "for the mission" was the only driver behind Twilight's response or not, it's clear at this point in the series that spending time with Yor is not something he dislikes (especially if he doesn't think she's upset with him the whole time!) Also, despite his comment about not understanding women in the last scene, he obviously hasn't given up on his dating abilities, since he'll ask Yor on another date not too long later.

Continue to Part 10 ->

<- Return to Part 8

#twiyor #spy x family #spy family #sxf #spyxfamily #loid forger #yor forger #loidyor #loid x yor #sxf analysis #sxf meta

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lyxthen · 1 month

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I have so many thoughts on Farawell, My Turnabout. It is probably my personal favorite final case, even if I think Turnabout Goodbyes is better.

The thing about Justice for All is that it is set on making Phoenix, specifically, feel miserable. It is almost like a character study. The first game was all about Edgeworth, we didn't really get to know Phoenix as a person that well. But then the second game--- Oh, the second game. The second game starts by showing you his nightmare, one that reflects his imposter syndrome. He is insecure about his abilities as a lawyer and he is terrified that he won't be able to save everyone in the end.

In Reunion and Turnabout we learn that Phoenix is bitter about Edgeworth. And it's confusing, because didn't they resolve their differences at the end of the first game? Wait, why is Phoenix only talking in past tense? What's going on? He can't even bear to hear his name mentioned. Whatever it was, it was bad.

In Turnabout Big Top, we learn he committed suicide.

Oh. Oh.

So Phoenix wasn't able to save everyone in the end, was he? The reason he became a lawyer in the first place, everything he fought for, years of study and struggle, gone. He failed. He wasn't enough. He is mourning and he is angry and he has to just, go and investigate some clowns like it's nothing, having to deal with Edgeworth's violent sister along the way, a girl who is there pretty much just to shame him.

Like, my guy is having a pretty rough year, alright?

And then Maya is kidnapped for ransom and you have to take care of her little cousin. Because God forbid this man gets a break. No, no, we are going to put him through the emotional meat grinder. We are designing this game to make him suffer.

So, you are having a terrible time. It is stressful as fuck, like genuinely. You drop by criminal affairs to keep investigating, you know, to save Maya's life, and THEN. AND THEN.

And then Edgeworth shows up, with a brand new theme song, and a smug smirk across his pretty face, and he has THE BALLS. THE NERVE. to give you a lecture about the real meaning of the law and the purpose of being an attorney as though nothing happened. And Phoenix has had enough.

He is DONE with this shit.

The entirety of Farawell My Turnabout feels like that. It is stressful all around. You have to get around knowing that if you make a mistake it's done for Maya. You have to incriminate a possibly innocent woman and set aside your morals and *you* are the villain of the story now but it's not like you have a choice? Like, at all? You are actively making Adrian Andrews suffer and it hurts so much? And Edgeworth is twice as mean as always but it's worse because now he genuinely respects Phoenix as a person? And then Franziska gets shot and we are running against the clock?

It is so fucking angsty. It hurts to play through in a way no other case does. Everyone is emotionally on edge for the duration of that trial. For the first time, Phoenix has to defend a guilty client and he is so conflicted about it.

And maybe you manage to get a not guilty verdict in the end, but it's not satisfying. In the end you get one (1) correct choice and you have to get your client declared guilty for you to get the happy ending and I'm just, it's great? It's fucking great. I'm rambling but it's true. Also, this game introduced the magatama which is an amazing narrative and gameplay device.

Man I know I'm rambling but I really like Justice for All. Yes, I know it has Turnabout Big Top, which is my least favorite case in the entire world, but come on. Come on. It is still great. I love it.

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thesoundofmadness · 1 year

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Cognitive Thieves? *grabs comfy blanket* you've intrigued me, friend. Tell me more.

ASLFKJSDFFG OH BOY MOTHER FUCKER YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST UNLEASHED. strap the fuck in bc this is gonna be Long

Spoilers for P5R Third Semester btw.

Okay so the cognitive thieves are my idea of what Joker's Palace could be. I'm thinking the palace can act as a recap of the story before the ending. ya know, to make the ending hit a bit harder.

The palace is the very last, yet longest, palace in the game. I'm not sure exactly when it formed. It's not very hard, especially compared to the Momentos palace, it's just super long. The real world equivlent is Leblanc, of course. The reason Joker formed a palace is... complicated. There's multiple reasons.

A big part of it is the trauma he's endured throughout the game. Having to deal with getting your entire life uprooted, people talking shit about you at school, and just being Not Like The Others is rough.

One of the reasons it formed is imposter syndrome. Joker has spent the whole game learning how to wear a mask, changing himself in order to help others help him. The mask of a concerned friend, a loyal lover, a vigilant hero who doesn't know how to quit... He's lost his sense of identity and doesn't know who he is. He feels like a massive liar for it.

Another reason is, well, he just doesn't want to leave. His probation is almost over. He likes being a phantom thief and loves his friends. He's finally found a place to belong and simply doesn't want to lose it.

Another reason is.... resentment. He's pissed off at, unforuntely, everyone. He's pissed at Shido for ruining his life, pissed at his peers at school for talkin' shit, but most of all.... he's pissed with his friends. He's upset that no one has come to help him despite him doing all he can for them. He doesn't want to be angry at people who don't deserve it, especially not those who mean so much to him.

He's also grieving over Akechi's death. He feels awful he wasn't able to save Akechi. If Akechi accepted his help, he could have become another Phantom Thief and be welcome in their found family. He feels like it's his fault that Akechi is dead.

Joker couldn't handle all of this. So he just pushed it aside, almost forgetting about it entirely. This self neglect resulted in his palace being formed.

After Maruki's palace, Joker gradually stops coming home, and eventually outright disappears all together. He wanted to deal with the palace himself, not wanting to push the burden on his friends.

In order to avoid them, he told everyone he was doing something else whenever they asked to hang. He told Sojiro he was going with Ryuji, he was with Ann, he told Ann he was with Yusuke, etc. He even went as far as telling non-thief confidants lies.

One morning, Morgana wakes up and sees Joker just, gone. He asks Futaba and Sojiro where he might be, only for them to have conflicting awnsers. They bring the team together and it seems he's lied to all of them.

They decide to go out looking for him. Futaba takes a look at the MetaNav, only to see that there's a new palace. Immeditately she calls everyone.

After some fucking around, they say the right keywords and, oh no. the palace belongs to their dear leader. They instantly decide they have to tackle this palace and save their friend. The deadline is two weeks.

From this point on, you can't play as Joker. Instead, you have to choose a "temporary" leader from one of the remaining thieves. The only one you can't choose is Futaba, because navigation. Each character has their own "leader skill" that can be used in the palace. The game defaults to whoever has the highest confiant rank (in the case everyone is maxed, it's whoever you maxed first)

You still have all the money, items, and confidant skills from before. However, you can't fuse personas (bc only joker and akechi can wield multiple personas), or raise confidant levels.

The palace itself is a mix between a theater and a circus, and it's big enough to span over the entire city. It's filled to the brim with puzzles, illusions, and shadows of all kinds. It's EXTREMELY unstable.

You won't ever actually see Shadow Joker until the boss fight. He uses illusion to shield himself. He'll show up as spotlights, a disembodied voice through a speaker, and maybe even various figures from previous palaces.

The palace has 4 areas, each area resembling a different palace from before. First Area is Kamoshida's palace, 2nd is a mix of Madarame's and Futaba's palace, Third area is Kaneshiro's and Okumura, and the 4th is Shido's and Maruki's.

Each area has a different Cognitive Phantom Thief that acts as a mini-boss. The more you've leveled your teammates up, the stronger their cognitive counter part.

Cognitive Ann, Makoto, Haru, Futaba, and Sumire's fights will be different depending on if you romanced them or not.

Joker genuinely doesn't want to hurt his friends. He loves them more than anything. The cognitive thieves goal ISN'T to kill you, they just want to Kick You the Fuck Out. However, Joker's anger is likely to shine through. If you don't take them out quickly enough, they may use a few one-shot moves and kill you instantly.

The only cognitive thief who won't try to kick you out is Cognitive Morgana. Cognitive Morgana genuinely wants to help you save Joker. He will heal you completely and give you hints if you ask. Though, he tends to give misinformation.

Your goal with the cognitive thieves is to take their masks and return them to Cognitive Morgana. If you do, Cognitive Morgana will open the backstage door.

Im thinking theme for this palace is a distorted version of Last Surprise.

I'm not TOO sure on the initial meeting with Shadow Joker after the phantom thieves enter the palace. I have a few ideas but none of them are concrete.

I also have an idea on the Shido portion of this.

If you wanna hear those lmk

#persona 5 #persona 5 royal #p5 #p5r #persona 5 spoilers

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fakeboitherottengirl · 2 years

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Anon really called you a lost cause as if you aren’t doing tangible good in your community rn…. You’re doing great work with those babies and it seems like you’re happier than ever. @ anon seethe harder

Thank you so much for this. I actually got really lucky today and got to step into the class I trained with for a few hours and I missed my babies so much so it was so nice to see them but I’m getting to know all the new babies and it’s kind of cool to have little buddies in every class, I finally feel like I’m doing something I’m good at and the best part of it all is that it’s a job that will still need to be done when capitalism inevitably falls and I’m damn good at it haha turns out there are upsides to having been severely neglected by my alcoholic dad as a child and forced to be the one in charge of my infant sisters food/hygiene/sleep while my mom worked and be passed out drunk so like part of me feels like “you’re a loser because you’re falling in line and doing what uve been groomed to do” and also my imposter syndrome is through the roof but for the first time since I was doing babysitting gigs as a teen I really like what I do and it’s so weird, I don’t trust it, I keep waiting for the part where they go “lol jk we hate u and ur fat and we hate ur pussy and you don’t really have this job” but I like all my coworkers and my bosses are nice and I feel like I’m actually doing something important that needs to be done on an animal level no matter what society we wind up building and all the kids like me and I do everything I can to make sure they feel safe and have a good time especially the autistic ones and for the first time since I’ve started working shift jobs I feel fatigued but not angry after my shift where I used to leave work seething. But thank u anon for the first time in a really long time I’m feeling hopeful that my life is going well and can see a future for myself. I’ve even been clean from cutting for over a year, and this will be my 3rd summer sober, and I’ve gone almost a year with under 10 bp incidents which is like how many I used to have in a week so honestly I’m in the best place I’ve been since like 5th grade

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skelebonecentral · 1 month

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Imposter Syndrome

request from ao3

eclipse, while still hiding in sun's body, experiences adoration and praise for the first time. but it's stolen glory, isnt' it?

words under cut

Well, here he was. Alone with the human that was besotted with Sun.

“what do you see when you look at me?” he asked, still using Sun’s voice rather than his own. He wanted to know what possible good they could find in the anxious, weak mess that was Sun.

They blushed, aw, how saccharine. “Uh…w-well, I…Sun, I think you’re wonderful. I can see how hard you try, how patient you are with Moon, how much you sacrifice your own wellbeing to care for others…it’s worrying, but I know you’re coming from a good place with it.”

“Really?” Eclipse acted the part, wide eyed and curious tone, “What if I told you that it was all to make people like me? To force a narrative that I’m the good one even if I have the same violent thoughts as Moon does?”

That…didn’t have the impact he wanted. The human just blinked and said, “Sun, I hate to tell you this, but everyone has violent thoughts now and again. I’ve wanted to punch Moon in the face a lot but I don’t because I can control myself. Thinking a thought isn’t the same as acting on it.”

Eclipse didn’t want to hear that, “So basically even if my inner dialogue was about how disgusting everybody is and how stupid I think they’re acting, it’s fine?”

“It’s not hurting anybody for you to think that, even if I do worry that you’re so upset with the world. Sun, maybe we should have some kind of staff therapist or something. I think you’d benefit.”

He laughed, but he had to control it because they noticed something was up.

“Sun, are you okay? This is really weird behavior from you.” They actually took his hand, and Eclipse faltered. Even with all he’d just said, all the other slips he’d done in front of this person, they were stupid enough to look with concern. They either really loved Sun or had no self preservation. He chose the second option for his assumption.

“I just don’t think I’m really the person you think I am,” he teased the truth, but knew they’d take it another way from the ‘sad’ tone he used.

“I’m willing to learn…Sun, I think you need to hear this now.” They blushed again, all the way to their ears this time as they held his hand, “Sun, I want to be your partner. I know it’s a stressful time, but…I’ve had feelings for you for a while and I just want to let you know you aren’t alone.”

He wanted to push them away, make them lose the feelings they had for his captor, the annoy little wretch, but…he also wanted to see how far this would go.

“You want to date ME?” He acted shocked, then changed tact, “Well, can you show me? How much you want me?”

Their whole body started warming up, he could see it on his sensors, but the agreed with a nod and pulled ‘Sun’ toward the tower. Oh he was going to LOVE lording this over Sun.

“I never expected you to be so forward but…I-I do want to you to know how much I care so…I’ll take good care of you.”

He didn’t want to admit what that loving look did to him. He knew it wasn’t for him, it was for Sun, but…but he wanted it anyway. God he hated that Sun got to have looks like that and be oblivious from his own neurosis.

Taking him to Sun’s room, they laid him down on the bed and stroked his face…Sun’s face. “You look irritated. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just wondering why I get this kind of attention and not other people,” it was getting harder to keep Sun’s voice.

“Because I see you, all that you’ve ever shown me, even the parts you didn’t want me to see. Like just now,” their hands slid down his chest and stomach and it made him arch, “you’re angry and don’t feel like you deserve what I want to give. But you do. No matter how bad the thoughts you’ve had, or the pain you’ve been through, you still deserve to be loved.”

They were still talking to Sun, but…he couldn’t just ignore those words when they’d hit something so deep in his soul.

“P-please keep saying that,” he begged in Sun’s reedy register, feeling it more appropriate than his own growl would have been.

“Of course, sweetheart,” they smiled so softly, making the rage and hurt in his chest well up into his eyes. Why could they not be looking at him instead? He wanted them to say this to HIM and not Sun. “Actions speak louder than words. Your actions toward me have always been considerate,” their hands slowly pulled down the jester pants and exposed the modesty hatch, which was a hair’s breadth from opening from how much Eclipse wanted to feel their touch. “and you’re worth my actions now. You are always worth loving. Always.”

The tears spilled out and the hatch opened, tendril writhing in the sudden chill of the air and petals dripping.

“Can you say that with me, hon?” their hand wrapped around his tendril and stroked gently up and down, “That you’re worth loving?”

“I…” he swallowed, having almost slipped with his voice, “I’m worth loving…”

“That’s my good boy,” they cooed, and his tendril squeezed around their arm as they kept stroking it, “Now do you want me to undress or just take care of you like this?”

“J-just like this. Please don’t stop.” Well, there went his voice a bit, and they tilted their head.

“heh, your voice gets deep when you’re running hot, huh?” they giggled and kept moving, making him gasp and grip the sheets, “It’s very sexy, though. I don’t mind.”

Oh god they’d just complimented his voice. HIS voice. “G-good…mmnn, can’t stop it now.”

“That’s fine, sweetie. You’re still my good boy. Is it okay if I touch your pussy?” their words were so warm and sweet, he just wanted to drink them.

“Please do,” Eclipse hated that he was begging but his brain was not home at the moment. He was being led around by what felt good and he just wanted to feel MORE of them doting on him.

Their smile was so bright, he focused on it and let his mouth hang open, soft moans starting as their fingers went in.

“You’re so handsome when you’re moan for me, love,” they murmured and he arched his back with a gasp as they found the tender spot inside him, “Right there, huh? Okay, thank you for telling me how you can. You’re so open for me, I love you so much.”

He couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, just crying and gasping and writhing as they pleasured him in both places, utterly lost in the sensations and how desperately he wanted their eyes to keep looking into his.

“I want you to just let yourself go as soon as you want. I’m showing you how much I care about you, and that means you get everything you need.”

That alone got him over the edge and spurting all over their hands and his stomach, whimpering as he choked on his voice.

“There we go. Aren’t you so good for me?” They leaned up and kissed him, very gently and loving. Eclipse just hummed needily into it. “Now, let me clean us up and we can cuddle.”

Nodding, he lay there and watched them. Their every move was motivated by tenderness, whispering praises for letting them take care of him, for being so still while they cleaned and not taking over, for giving them the chance to love him.

When they were both clean, the human snuggled into the bed next to him and hugged him tight. “Let’s rest, Sunshine. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

The little nickname hit him like a ton of bricks. Of course…well, the tears were already flowing, why not let them go again? Eclipse held them close and let the body enter sleep mode, because even if he wasn’t in control when it woke up, he wouldn’t want to be. He’d be keeping these memories on loop, over and over…because for a few precious seconds, he was loved.

#enswif

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skruffie · 2 months

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It is such whiplash to like... have intense imposter syndrome to a point where I immediately wanted to leave the round dance within minutes of getting there, then finally starting to relax and make small talk with some people and then get lost in the actual dancing

then coming home and reading this screenshot quoting Jacqueline Keeler:

“Native American doesn’t mean Mexican Indians. It means Native people whose lands are under occupation here in the 48 states by the United States of America,” Keeler says, explaining that she is focused on political and legal status (Littlefeather was never an enrolled member of a tribe) because of the heavy ramifications of that experience across generations. “If you’re not enrolled in a tribe, you are not subject to Indian federal law [and] all of the trauma that happened under any of those terrible policies” such as the forced removal of Native children and placement into boarding schools and foster homes.

biiiig angry rant under the cut

I just can't get over the line "If you’re not enrolled in a tribe, you are not subject to Indian federal law [and] all of the trauma that happened under any of those terrible policies" because that is quite possibly one of the most insulting, stupid, and arrogant fucking things you can say so casually without even a second thought.

When I worked in state government I started to become a lot more informed about ICWA.

So like, did you know that if there's a child whose parents are enrolled but that child is not eligible for enrollment because of silly little things like blood quantum or being mixed from different tribes that all have different enrollment requirements, that child is legally not considered subject to Indian federal law?? ICWA is designed for Native children to be placed with their biological families first if taken into foster care, or within their communities, or within an Indigenous home before even considering a non-Native home. This is specifically because children were stolen en masse and given to non-Native families as recently as the 60s. I have given tobacco to and marched at protests with residential school survivors because quite a lot of them are still alive! Hello, the fucking epigenetics of trauma exist also!! PTSD research shows that descendants of trauma survivors have physical changes in their brain chemistry too.

Jacqueline Keeler exists in a world I guess where if you aren't enrolled then none of the trauma of displacement could ever happen to you, silly!! Except of course if you're taken into fucking foster care away from your family and culture, which is exactly the same trauma that your ancestors went through for generations!

Literally, just tonight at dinner, I was talking with a Tulalip guy who asked me if I worked for the school district and I said "nah but I'm an alumni from this district" (this was an event from the school district I graduated from as well as the local tribes) and we chatted a bit. I said I was Yurok and Métis and he was like "cool" and turned to one of his relatives and was like "Aren't you a bit Yurok?" and she went "What?? No". That's it. If I go on twitter I run into the fear that I'm going to get BraveWarrior3874429759 wanting the exact algebraic formula for what my BQ is before he decides if I'm faking or not. Or we get people like Keeler.

For years I've been really trying to think about the concept of being raised Indigenous. Racially I'm white, am always perceived as such, etc etc. That's reality. I think about my grandma and her brother who got raised by their grandpa who said "I never want them to feel like orphans" after their parents died. It was his own grandmother who was orphaned in the genocide. He moved to Los Angeles because it was safer to be seen as Mexican than as Native, and there are many other California NDNs that have the same family story like that. We're not enrolled but thanks to the help of relatives that died before we could know them, my mom and grandma still got literal reparations money for the land our family lost. When I reached out to the Little Shell tribe just to find more information on my ancestors on my dad's side, the sole enrollment officer (at the time, I'm not sure if they've hired new people now) told me we were cousins and gave me a lot of copies of documents should I try to enroll. I had already told her I can't but she did this anyway.

Toby Vanladingham, on twitter, had a thread a few months ago talking about how there's several Yurok tribal members that are enrolled because they meet the requirements in the tribal constitution in ways aside from just blood degree. He then went on to say that it really doesn't matter because they still recognize who is Yurok regardless of their enrollment status.

I can go on and on about this because the point isn't that we don't experience the trauma, it's that we are still welcomed to experience the culture and our family histories. That's the whole fucking point. My ancestors suffered greatly and made choices that I am still trying to understand in hopes that their descendants would not have to suffer. I think as long as I live I will never, ever understand the terror papa Andy felt or what Angeline went through in that school. I'm angry every time I remember my mom telling me how when she was a little girl and papa Andy told her "Don't tell anybody you're an Indian", and remembering her telling me that confusion growing up about what that meant. I go to these events in person and force myself to confront the immense discomfort over and over again because it gets easier each time, but only by small degrees, and I do this knowing that I am always going to be an outsider. I'm doing it anyway. Fuck Keeler and fuck this whole mindset.

#ndn tag

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grislyintentions · 6 months

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Came across one of your ic posts of Ei talking about Furina and had a thought post Fontaine AQ I just felt like sharing: Traveler recommending a list of places all over Teyvat for Furina to visit if she ever decides to go on a little trip, or even travel.

And in Inazuma, like you said, Ei and Furina bonding over sweets and imposter syndrome.

But also: Furina immediately standing up for Ei when she overhears some people whispering / talking shit about Ei (most likely some angry Watatsumi folks but also probs some dissatisfied Narukami peeps).

And yeah she gets scared when those people challenge her on that topic bc she's not much of a fighter, but she's angry enough to actually stand her ground because they! Have NO idea what it takes!!! What being an Archon TOOK for them!!!!!! What it took FROM them!!!!!!!!! They have NO RIGHT to judge!!!!!!!!!!!!

But if Ei tried the same when encountering an angry Fontainian traveling Furina might try to talk her down because they don't know so their anger is understandable, and it's for the best that they don't know because Furina's deception was the whole point.

I just had a lot of thoughts for these two. 8')

That is a lovely thought post, thank you for sharing! ^^

Full disclosure, I haven’t gotten that far into the recent archon quest at the moment but based on my own perspective of the characters so far, I definitely think Furina and Ei can get along with each other quite well.

If there is someone out there who can understand what it’s like to live in the shadows and weather through pain on their own, it would be Ei. If there is someone who can know what it’s like to be surrounded by people and yet feel so terribly alone, it is Furina. They may not yet know each other’s circumstances or reasons, but those experiences/feelings are ones they can understand regardless.

I have always maintained that people who are compassionate, genuine, enduring and bold (like Ayaka, Yoimiya, Traveler and Thoma together) would stand the most chances of getting through to Ei (understanding and/or even befriending her). And that very much applies to Furina too.

Even if Ei thinks the people have grounds to harbour resentment and criticise her in some aspect/is willing to take what is constructive out of their dissatisfaction, the very fact that Furina would try and stand up for her despite how scared she is would mean a lot to her.

I don’t think she has opened up towards the other archons about her sister’s death (granted I’m pretty sure they all have their hunches) or if she will ever be ready to, but if/when she is, I like to imagine that Furina would be the first/among the first who would hear about it. She’d know that she is Beelzebub. Not Baal.

As for Ei doing the same, she respects that Furina does not wish for her to try and defend her to the Fontainians. However, that does not mean Ei has no other ways of making a point: Inazuma is her domain after all and Furina is her guest. To go out of one’s way to antagonise the guest of the nation’s Archon is to disrespect said Archon: Can the Fontainians responsible for offending/angering the Almighty Shogun bear the consequences of causing a diplomatic incident?

The same question can also be extended in Fontaine: Should Ei send in a formal request/write in to appoint Lady Furina specifically as her guide in the nation during her visit.

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nikatinencaffeine · 7 months

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Friday morning is weigh day:

-11.4lbs! I've been angry and depressed for not losing more than a pound or two, so it's been like 2 weeks since I've weighed in. It was a nice surprise and gives me the motivation to keep restricting...but I have a loooooong way to go. I'm morbidly obese and it's disgusting. I have always struggled. Does anybody else feel like they have imposter syndrome? I'm a full-grown adult! I'm not young and skinny enough to take seriously in the 'local' 3d community, but I'm not happy identifying with the people who glorify unhealthy behavior. I go out and I'm just some f4t lady. Don't get me wrong, I believe in loving yourself above everything else, but that means I go to extra lengths to keep my struggling private because I can't practice what I preach. I'm a single mom with an impressionable young daughter that I want to protect from all of this and shield her from the negativity. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. What motivated me to even lose in the first place was that I could not fit down the slides at the playground with her when she was a toddler. I guess that's the only good thing about being too overweight for my struggles to really show, but then neither do my small successes. Right now, I'm just showing her that I'm getting healthy, but I also make sure to tell her how beautiful and capable she is. I don't ever want her to feel the way I do and suffer the way I do. I've never been at my gw, I've struggled since puberty to be skinny. I was doing so well, but trauma happened and I ate my feelings. A year of hard work, dropping 130lbs, and I gained 50 back.

Now: 500-800kcal a day | 30minutes cardio at the very least a day | 10k+ steps per day

I also try to eat keto in those kcals because that's how I went from 300 to 170 in a year.

Hw: 300

Lw: 170

Cw: 214

Gw: 130

Ugw: 115

Here's to another day. Drink your water, take your vitamins, go take a walk, eat your kcals.

#ed bllog #ed not ed sheeran #tw ana diary #4n4rexia #ana and mia #tw ed diet #ed not sheeren #i will be thinner #i want to be weightless #tw disordered eating #⭐️rve #⭐️ving #extremely obese #🕯️as a 🪶#4n4blr

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darklingichor · 11 months

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Fosse, by Sam Wasson

This is going to be a very long post, because this book sort of hurts.

This requires a bit of background. I walk weird. Always have. When I was little, I would walk and even stand on tiptoe. It felt natural.

When I was around three my pediatrician recommended that my mom put me in dance classes. This would help strengthen and stretch my very tight Achilles tendons, and hopefully help me drop my heels.

So in to ballet I went.

I loved it, I mean I wasn’t *good* at it, by any stretch of the imagination, but that wasn’t the point. I didn’t have to be the next prima ballerina to get the benefits of the exercises (and it did work, sort of. I don’t walk or stand on tiptoe anymore. I just tend to lead with the ball of my foot rather than the heel) and I never really wanted to be a dancer in the competitive sense. I wanted to do the moves and listen to the music. In fact, it never occurred to me that anyone was doing these classes for any other reason than for the fun of it, until I was thirteen, and the first class after summer break, the same teacher I’d had since I was six started the class by insulting all of us.

One girl had “horrid posture.

Another needed to work on something or other,

And I had “the worse turn out” she’d ever seen.

I looked down at my feet – My first position was the same first position I held three months before.

And it hit me “Ah! This is for real”

I was a little angry at how we were being spoken to, and unsure of whether I wanted do this in such a serious environment.

I became sure when I adjusted my first position and felt my left knee cap slide out of place with a flash of pain. First sign of a knee that would dislocate at a a wrong turn.

I quickly went back to my bad turn out and thought: “Nope.” Feeling my heart break a little. It sounds dramatic, but it’s true.

So that was the end of my classes. But I still loved dance and that’s why when flipping through channels a few years later and happening upon a scene where dancers were leaping and twirling to the song “On Broadway “ I stopped.

1979’s All That Jazz Directed by Bob Fosse.

This was the weirdest movie I’d ever seen, but I was entranced.

Now, it’s was 98/99 by this point.

I didn’t have the internet but I did spend a lot of time watching documentaries on any subject, and in an instance of coincidence meets the frequency illusion, I saw an interview with Ben Vereen where he tells a story about Bob Fosse.

Fosse? Fosse… That batshit movie with that freaky cover of the Everly Brothers!

I began to learn more, see more of his movies and musicals.

While I didn’t like everything I saw, or learned, I did like the dancing, and there was something in Fosse, and his wife/partner Gwen Vernon that I related to (I mean other than Bob had “no turn out” in Ballet and Gwen had to wear braces on her legs as a kid).

Now this book, goes more in depth than anything else I have seen or read. I think I get why I relate so much. Bob Fosse had the worse case of imposter syndrome. Never thinking he was good, always worried people would see through the ol’ razzle dazzle and see he wasn’t good enough for all that they had him doing. He was painfully insecure.

In Bob that manifested in being a workaholic, developing a dependence on uppers, and trying to sleep with everyone.

I just get paralyzed by my imposter syndrome, so my struggle wouldn’t make a good movie, but I get it.

The book hurts a bit because I know that insecure feeling. The author speaks with people who worked with, knew and or loved Fosse, and about his eyes down posture, the getting trapped in his own head, the worrying about worrying when there’s nothing to worry about.

I have had all of this.

In my first years in college I would study for one class for hours, convinced that if I didn’t I would flunk. My goal wasn’t straight A’s, it was to avoid failure.. Then I’d get a perfect score on a test, and wonder how the hell that happened. A fluke, obviously.

I had a friend in high school, I had known for three years. We hung out at least three times a week. We were walking and talking and when I looked at him, he stopped.

“Are you wearing contacts?”

“No, I could never put my finger that close to my eye.”

“I thought your eyes were brown.”

My eyes are on the blue side of grey.

He told me that he didn’t realize until that moment how often I looked down.

I remember once when I was around 16, I had the thought “Huh, I think I’m done with all my homework, it wasn’t that hard.” And that was, at once followed by “Then you have forgotten something.”

So yeah, I think when watching All That Jazz, and then some of his other movies, I saw myself in there.

This book is structured as a count down to Fosse’s death, which is very fitting.

Each chapter is titled for how many years we have to cover before Bob dies of a heart attack in 1987.

It is more in depth than anything I am ever seen or read about Fosse. Sometimes that’s good when in the early years we hear about the things that shaped him, namely being a sickly kid, falling in love with dance, working the burlesque clubs with a dance class friend as a double act between the women’s’ shows, as a teenager. Doing all of this to bring in money for his large family, and to loved.

I liked the detail when he was developing his style, when he was starting to make movies, and when he made All That Jazz.

But it could be tedious too, namely when it goes into details of every show. Not the ones that made each show different, the ones that were the same. The same arguments with writers and backers, the same arguments about the sexual content in the shows.

Of course he was a genius dancer, chorographer and director, and the book does try to analyze it. The problem is that in my opinion it’s nearly impossible to do that with Fosse’s work. You have to see it to understand it. Even this books says something like that near the end.

A good chunk of the book deals with him personally.

There’s a lot about Fosse that is problematic. I knew some before I even read this book (which honestly does its best to soften the edges without ignoring them all together). He was a master manipulator, and just because there were some people he hadn’t slept with didn’t mean he didn’t try.

Flirting and being charming is one thing, but this book recounts several times when his efforts of seduction fell flat, or caused anger. I’m surprised that there was only one episode of the Kneecap -Neuter Two -Step.

This and other biographies paint Bob as a contradiction. Brutal taskmaster at work, but so empathetic to the dancer’s life, it *pained* him to reject someone’s audition. He worked his dancers and actors hard, but almost always left them feeling like he was doing it for them, rather than having them do it for him.

He was a loving father, even if his work life made him distant.

He was a committed friend, and it seems like is friendships is where he really lived When his best friend Paddy died, it broke his heart more than any other loss.

And in his romantic life…

There ‘s a line in Christopher Moore’s Fool where self described “Hornbeast” (“but my horns are tender…”) Pocket says of his many sexual conquests: “I have loved them all, and learned many of their names.”

That line kept running through my head while listening to this book.

Bob Fosse seemed to have had an insatiable sexual appetite. The book talks about his years in therapy, Freudian psychoanalysis. And it made him realize that abuse he suffered as a teenager working as an MC in Chicago’s seedy burlesque clubs, had something to do with this, and his absolute inability to stay faithful to the women he loved.

Makes sense, but knowing the why’s behind this behavior that gave him and those around him pain, didn’t help him change it. Neither did the uppers and downers that his doctor gave him. There were limitations in therapy back then.

But, in an odd way he *was* loyal to three of the most important women in his life.

His relationship with his second wife Joan, emotionally overlapped with his relationship with third wife Gwen Verdon, until Joan died.

His relationship with Gwen overlapped with his relationship with long time partner Ann Reinking. There were others but these three loomed large.

He love all of them, In different ways.

Joan had helped make him as a dancer, and he cared for her long after they divorced. Gwen was a constant, they would separate, but never divorced she was there at ground zero when he developed his style, they had a daughter together. She was there when he died. She was his partner. Ann was his foil, they would argue, it seems to me like she would challenge him keep him on his toes. Basically long after he stopped being lovers with these women, he remained friends, and like I said, that was a higher honor. The “Friendzone” for Bob Fosse was like Mount Olympus, you may have had to go through all kinds of shit to get a place there, but once you were there, it was a better place to be.

He could also be spitting viper mean, both personally and professionally. Especially if he thought that he was being slighted.

I sort of feel like I should say that learning about the darker sides, made me like his stuff less, but I can’t. I still adore the Alley Dance scene in My Sister Eileen.

I still love the moves in Chicago.

I still cry at the end of All That Jazz, when Joe Gideon looks at his wife and says “At least I won’t have to lie to you anymore.” And crying, she sticks her tongue out at him.

I enjoyed this book and the subject a lot.

#books #book #book blogging 2023 #fosse #sam wasson #long post #nonfiction #biography

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panthera-dei · 1 year

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Trigger/content warning: mentions of suicide & self-harm; mentions of generational trauma; mentions of mental & physical illness

This is long. TL;DR: Never give up, never surrender. This is my story.

"I'm participating in a Discord photo challenge right now. Actually, it was my idea to start the competition in the first place, when I saw the original challenge graphic posted on the Rethink Church page on Instagram.

I tend to be an overthinker and a planner, at least to a degree, so early on I brainstormed what I would share for each day. Today's prompt was Disciple. I planned to share a picture of a book I had read about the prophet Elijah and his struggles with depression. To tell the truth, I've been half-assing this challenge and all my friends know it, since I questioned the ethics of participation as the host. So I probably wasn't even going to post a caption.

Then tonight, I suddenly felt the need to share a little more. I don't particularly want to. I'm anxious and worried about being judged. I feel like I'm attention-seeking or being too vulnerable. But I also think if more people shared their stories, their real stories, maybe the world would be a kinder place. So I guess here I go.

Three years ago, I wanted to take my own life. Or at the very least, I wanted it to end somehow. I had suffered relatively minor bouts of depression before, and since. But three years ago, I was at my lowest.

I was living through a pandemic with 2 family members with contamination OCD: 1 moderate, and 1 extreme. I believed myself ineffective at my career, with anxiety over working in a new job and with imposter syndrome over the things I did right. I was suffering from menorrhagia which caused some pretty severe bleeding, and it was brought on by PCOS, which is a chronic endocrine condition that affects almost every part of my life. I was struggling with being neurodivergent, and with the fact that no one in my family believed I was struggling. I was struggling with being queer and non-binary in the rural Bible Belted South, and wondering how a place I love so much could fail to love me back. I struggled with being asexual amid fears of never finding someone to share my life with. I struggled with being called - truly called - to what most people today would call paganism and witchcraft (which are terms that I mainly use out of convenience if I'm being honest). And I was resentful of being the eldest daughter and oldest sibling, and thus being not only my brother's keeper but also bearing the burden of my family's intergenerational trauma on all sides.

It wasn't fair and I knew it, and I didn't see a way out of it. I resented my suffering, both real and perceived. I felt hatred and shame at myself for having a mind and a body that did not work and would never be "normal." I hated feeling weak and felt the hopelessness of knowing that I would never be strong - and at the same time, I hated the fact that I had to be strong because weakness was a privilege I couldn't afford. I hated feeling masculine because I believed that it was wrong and I hated being in the wrong body, and yet I also hated feeling feminine because it felt too much like being weak and soft and exploitable.

And I never shared most of this with anyone. I hid as much of it as possible from as many people as I could, for as long as I could. I didn't believe that I deserved help and I didn't believe that I even wanted it since I was only planning to be alive for maybe 5 more years tops.

And throughout it all, I was so angry. I always get angry when I'm depressed, but for the first time in my life, I was angry at God.

I've been a Christian my entire life. Not a cultural Christian, but someone who truly believes what Jesus preached and tries - and usually fails - to walk the way He walked. I grew up with a Catholic father and a Protestant mother. I bounced between a Catholic church and a Methodist church for the first decade of my life. I remember (vaguely) my first Communion. I remember early Easters. I remember the first time I felt the Holy Spirit. I remember the first time I realized a prayer had been answered. And I still remember a "conversion experience" moment which I, to this day, have never spoken of to anyone and probably never will. My faith had been questioned, researched, studied, defended, and explored… But until the year 2020, it had never been tested.

That year, I was so angry with God. I began to relate, for the first time, to Bono's words: "Wake up, dead man, I'm alone in the world, and a fucked up world it is too."

I would cry to God in the middle of the night knowing that no one would hear me. I would ask Him why He made me so broken with no hope of being fixed. I would ask Him why I had to go through so much despite knowing that many others suffered more than I did. I asked Him why He made me so unlovable when all I craved was to be loved. I would beg Him for healing, for mercy, for love, for forgiveness, for death. Throughout it all, it seemed that I never received an answer except "Wait." And I got so tired of waiting.

I didn't want to wait. I wanted to die. I wanted to, in my words, "go home."

Well, obviously I didn't die. I haven't yet "gone home." I waited. Not patiently and not happily. But I waited.

And little by little, I received some answers. I didn't get them all at once, and there are some answers that I haven't received even now. But I'm starting to see why I am who I am and why things unfolded the way they have.

My mother has always told me the story of Queen Esther. It was one of my favorites since childhood, and one quote has become a shorthand for the two of us: "For such a time as this."

Whenever life gets hard or a difficult circumstance comes, she would always say that. No matter how hard it gets, there's a purpose in everything, and maybe you were meant to be here to help… For such a time as this.

Three years later, I understand. There are queer children who are coming out to me and asking me to be a safe space for them when no one else knows. There are depressed children and children with trauma who come to me for help and advice because they trust me to help them. There are neurodivergent kids who are struggling and don't have anyone else who understands their unique needs and mindsets. And I do. I have friends who need help and mentorship, and other wonderful people in my life and online who sometimes look to me for support. And I can do that because of what I learned from my own journey of struggle and recovery. I've learned how to be a beacon for Christians and pagans and everything in between, because my struggles have made me open-minded and empathetic.

I've learned how to appreciate and respect my body and my mind, and to remember that while I'm not perfect, I am in fact wonderfully made and God did not make a mistake with my soft, curvy, ungraceful body or my unique, quirky mind.

I've found love and friendship in the most unexpected places. From humans, animals, plants, and beyond. I appreciate the beauty of each day - even the hard ones - more than I ever would have before I forgot how nice it is to really exist and be alive.

And all I can say is, if I had ended my life three years ago, or two years ago, or one, I would have missed out on all of this. I would have missed love and plants and pet fish and sunsets. I would have missed snails and snakes and the Beach Boys and new coworkers and new friends and old friends. I would have missed cards and shopping trips and dogs and video games and the random offers to buy my car.

And I would have missed out on helping people and loving people.

I was angry at God only because I didn't understand what God knew all along: that I was born "for such a time as this." I came out of those fights with depression stronger than before, and with the ability to let myself be soft. I let myself be open and flawed and real - or at least I try to. And while my faith was tested, it's never been broken. I still love God. I still follow Christ. I still walk with the Holy Spirit. And I still proclaim the Good News.

I am a disciple."

#christian faith #christianity #faith in god #faith in jesus #testimony #mental health #depression survivor #christian #mental health awareness

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cupids-s0rr0ws · 1 year

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(tw// S3xual trauma)

o/ hello!

I'm Theseus, it's a pleasure to meet you ^-^

Lemme tell you a bit about this blog, yeah?

💌

I am someone who is lucky enough to had survived all that comes with sexual trauma. The guilt, the imposters syndrome, all the nasty, gutsy, and real emotions.

It has not be easy, I don't know if it ever will be. But if I can help others get through it, I'd like to try as hard as I can.

Cupid's Sorrows is a safe space. You can share your story, you can vent, you can ask for tips on how to get through it all, anything (within reason) that I— or anyone — can do to help.

💌

A bit about my own personal life so that we can be familiar!

I am a black, non-binary (They/it), queer person. Nice to meet chya!

When "it" happened, I was incredibly young (For reference, I am a minor). I could've ever seen it coming.

Three different people had ruined me. I was broken. I had no way of knowing what had happened to me, how to reach out for help, or what would come after later in life as I matured.

I hadn't told anyone until fairly recently actually.

This, amongst other things, caused me to split alters (some form of dissociation is/was suspected of me by councilors and other professionals), but most importantly it caused all sorts of reactions I I could've never imagined.

I developed insomnia as I was scared of sleep, I was (and still am to some extent) uncomfortable around men or anyone older than me in a room alone.

It caused a feeling. An almost indescribable one at the time. But now I have the word:

Angry.

I felt like I was quietly sobbing for help and waiting for someone to help me, but at the same time I felt like I was screaming and still now one could hear me. I felt exposed and ripped apart for all to see but at the same time I felt closed off from everyone and everything.

It wasn't until I found a certain group of people that I started a gently paced recovery.

💌

So, what's in store for this blog?

Hopefully, the following (if I can maintain it):

-Resources for reaching out to professional help

-hopefully people who follow will become comfortable enough to open up, vent, and/or ask for help from me or eachother!

-Most of all, I want people to feel seen in a gentle environment

I have always felt like this should be handled as gently and carefully as possible, because this kind of thing eats you and spits you back out as a new person. You're reborn. A baby. And now you must navigate the world once more, while it feels like the first time, but you can't do that of no one is there to ease you into it first.

💌

I hope you'll have me as your guide through this messy, scary, sad, angry, and all around difficult time. If not, that's fine too, maybe I'm not what you need rn! This doesn't all need to be scary! If you just need a distraction, something to laugh at, etc. this can be that place to! At the end of the day, the goal is to make it out alive, right?

Have a wonderful day, you are loved, strong, and beautiful 🌺💌

#safe space #healing #mental health #I'm so bad at tagging and I wrote fanfiction for YEARS #Cupids Sorrows #mental health blog #ask me questions #or anything really

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movedtodykedvonte · 2 years

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hot take: i don't think monty is usually that angry.

this is based on the theory that animatronics get their personalities based on what they are programmed to do.

for example, roxanne is a race car driver, ergo she is competitive and slightly egotistical.

sun is a daycare attendant meant to play with children, so they are hyperactive and engaging.

moon is supposedly tasked with keeping children in line, so they would presumably be more strict.

monty plays golf. it's his whole thing. golf is a laid back sport, that has somewhat complicated rules (? i don't play golf im just basing this off the vibes). so we would expect him to be chill, with perhaps a stricter side. (also have you seen that picture with the core four where he has his glasses off? that man is a lazy animal crossing villager. the first one to open the barbecue. he hangs around the office water cooler. he will look at your kid's baby pictures and pull out his own, except they're like. pictures of his dog when it was a puppy. there is only one thought behind his eyes and its golfball)

let's assume that the glitch virus not only causes victims to be subjected to glitchtrap's control, but will also exacberate the negative flip side of their behaviour.

roxy has self esteem issues from the competitive need to stay in the limelight.

sun is too intense with his energetics ('we can drink faz fanta until our heads EX-PLODE-' )

moon is... y'know.

we could expect monty to get more aggressive, because golf is still a competitive sport and stuff, but it's not as much of a logical leap as the others are? going from being a mostly laid back guy to 'will bite you if you look at him the wrong way' is quite a big step.

so, this new personality shift could have come from external factors, i.e the bonnie incident. for whatever reason, bonnie apparently left for monty's golf course, and then wasn't seen again. i don't think monty necessarily killed him, so much as he went '🧍‍♂️. wh. what are you doing in my house'. (and then stood by out fear of whoever killed bonnie??)

or maybe he did kill him, not out of jealousy, because he perceived him to be a sudden threat (as in bonnie got infected by the virus because glitchtrap felt nostalgic?? idk)

whatever happened, it may have traumatised him. he could have additionally absorbed Bonnie's own angry and terrified feelings as he died (can these new animatronics leave remnants of their own???)

from there it could have snowballed. anger at himself for whatever he did (or didn't do) to bonnie, anger at freddy for being so perfect (those feelings aren't so much 'i already took down bonnie and you are a stepping stone that is annoyingly out of reach' so much as they are 'i have very strong imposter feelings and you seem to be doing better than me, so therefore i will unfairly project these feelings onto you' cus like.

as he replaced bonnie there probably was some uproar because bonnie is an og.

and monty's envy could be 'take your place -> take ur fame' while stubbornly ignoring the fact there would be even more uproar against him and his imposter syndrome would get worse.)

either way, monty is a bastard and i love him

I like this a lot because Bonnie is my favorite animatronic overall in the series but I really like Monty (and Sunrise) in this game.

I do believe Monty had something to do with Bonnie's disappearance but how much of it was malice is questionable. My biggest thing against Monty not being fully responsible is how the notes never mention Monty ever going to the stage or showing hostility until AFTER Bonnie disappeared and he got the upgrades. You'd think he'd be more hostile BEFORE, not after reaching his goal. Monty is never pointed out to show jealousy or odd behavior towards the other performers at all before this. The only odd behavior he does show is being up in the catwalks which are notoriously dangerous but have a good areal view of his golf course.

My first theory is, Bonnie could of had a genuine accident in the golf course, Monty heard but did not see it and stakes out on the catwalks because he's both looking for Bonnie or what caused the accident. The second theory is Monty saw what happened to Bonnie and does not feel safe in his course anymore and stays up high to see possible threats. The third is Monty was tampered with and his first sign of aggression was towards Bonnie who just happened to roam into the golf course and it just got worse.

Whatever the case, I agree that Monty is a bastard and I love him as well <3.

#think ill make a headcanon post for the animatronics soon #anon #fnaf #ask #fnaf sb #fnaf security breach #fnaf security breach spoilers #fnaf montgomery #fnaf glamrock bonnie #montgomery gator #banger analysis tho champ

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redotter · 3 years

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Renu's WIPs masterpost

THE SOARERS AND THE BEANS

Summary: When she is abruptly sent from London to her mother's native Transylvanian town, 13 year-old Wendy gets to explore the unknown half of her heritage: a rural setting, a new language, a peculiar Grandpa, and twelve magic types. As much as she misses her father, Wendy is determined to partake in her mother's culture. She activates her magic - teleportation - but this skill comes with both opportunity and danger. Wendy uncovers not only the rules and history of her new home, but also the mysterious plot orchestrated by the ruling family.

Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy that I'll publish as YA because it's less of a headache advertising wise

Setting: The fictional town of Zbor, in technically historical but not really because magic society is not sexist/racist/homophobic Romania in the 1940s.

Main characters:

Wendy Willow: fancy by education, mess by nature, curious enough to get involved in mysteries, awkward enough to be bad at it

Felix Feier: comic relief by choice, animal lover, gets annoyed when people assume he's not smart because of the first two things

Sasa Adam: gnc wood child living on spite alone (and pickpocketing)

POST-APOCALYPTIC POLYAMORY

ART BY Miguel Membreño from google images, I don't have a ncie header for it yet, will edit

Summary: Climate change, air-borne disease and nuclear war join forces to take humans down, but as it was collectively agreed by the remaining population, the event that marks Year 0 is the Fall of the Internet. The only survivors on the entire planet are four Immortal beings, who have no idea there's others like them. Because they all became immortal through different means, each of their backstories brings a new flavor of existentialism to the table, but they'll have to learn to cope and make a living together.

Genre: Adult Fantasy/SciFi

Setting: Deserted Earth, mostly after 2200.

Main characters:

Manu Cer: sold her soul for power and her power for immortality. Technically a witch but has only one spell left - the one keeping her alive every month.

Mi: two lovers shoved their consciousnesses in an android body and they became one person. They're convinced the whole "magic and satan are real" thing is a malfunction of their synthetic brain.

Cello: he was stabbed by a stranger and now he can't die? Was that stranger God? He didn't ask for any of this.

Aelena: older than Cleopatra, took a nap during the Renaissance and woke up to the three idiots above looking for an extra brain cell.

THE BONEY ONE

Genre: (Young?) Adult High Fantasy

ART BY @rcrisdraws

Summary: Blu magic users never had an advantage in battle because of their short range, low impact style, until Roichi figures out a game-changing move. She's thus the first Blu to be accepted into an elite state training program, but when her first mission is to assassinate the crown princess, her loyalty is being tested. As the tensions between magic users rises, Roichi is traveling the country and undoing the brainwashing she received from both sides, to come to terms with her own principles.

Setting: Fictional country of Ochiya, on fictional planet

Main characters:

Roichi: assassin with imposter syndrome, cool and mysterious on the outside, confused and overwhelmed on the inside, has two flying cats.

Lumen: half his face is missing (except for the bones), looks scary and this fits his agenda. Mute, angry and determined.

THE FAIRY AND THE LIONESS

Summary: Leo and Suzana were in a bad place when they first met - both literally and metaphorically. During their senior year, they inspire each other to grow as people, work through their traumas, be vocal about the country's flawed systems, and plan for a better future. When walking hand in hand, their grey little town doesn't seem so hopeless anymore.

Genre: Young Adult Slice-of-Life/LGBT Romance

Setting: Baia Mare, Romania, mid 2000s

Main characters:

Suzana: autistic, depressed and bullied, all she wants is to run into a flowery meadow and wait for the world to forget her.

Leo: gifted child with the stamina to avoid burn-out (?), all she wants is for the world to acknowledge her - though flowery meadow doesn't sound too bad.

#wip: the fairy and the lioness #wip: the boney one #wip: postapocalyptic polyamory #wip: soarers #writers on tumblr #will i also make an intro post?#mayhaps

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ultra-gari · 3 years

Text

imposter syndrome | Bakugou Katsuki

summary: a short drabble in which Bakugou silenced your imposter syndrome the night before the final exam.

word count: 1k

pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x fem!reader

an: wrote this on a whim to comfort me the other day, so its completely self-indulgent lmao. however, if you find yourself thinking the similar things, please remember that your head is lying to you. You’re not stupid. You’re enough. You belong.

"Quit staring at the ceiling and fucking sleep already."

You startled a little at his low voice. Fuck, if you didn't even realize he was still awake, how could you possibly be successful tomorrow?

"Stop thinking so much, it's too loud", Bakugou said and, after you stayed silence due to a lack of words, sighed. "It's because of the exam tomorrow, isn't it?" It didn't sound like a question.

You hummed.

He turned around, finally facing you, his head propped up on his hand. He wasn’t really angry or annoyed. Instead, there was a concerned look on his face, accentuating the dark circles under his eyes, giving away that he was nervous about tomorrow, too. Only for completely different reasons.

"Fucking talk to me about it, dumbass."

Your eyes hushed back to the ceiling, taking in the shadows of the curtains on it. You cleared your throat and then, after a couple of more seconds, whispered, "I won't pass, 'suki."

Truth be told, it wasn't exactly what you wanted to say. You just wanted to scratch the surface bit, lifting a bit of the weight that settled on your chest and mind, explaining enough to your boyfriend that he could fall asleep next to you. As he should. As he needed to.

But now you had dived in headfirst and given by the sound Bakugou made, he wouldn't let you alone until you told him everything.

"That's bullshit, why shouldn't you?"

You sighed. "Because I'm too weak."

"Yeah, right, as if I'm together with some extra who can't kick ass", he snarled.

The weight on your chest got heavier at his words, making you suffocate. There was pressure behind your eyes. You squeezed them together.

"Katsuki, please." Trying to push the tears away, the heels of your palms pressed on your eyelids, making words spill out of your mouth instead. "Yes, that's exactly it. I'm weak. I don't belong here. I don't know anything about rescuing people and doing hero work and my quirk is not suitable enough and I don't even know why I didn't quit al-"

"Oi, hey, would you just breathe for a second?"

A warm, gentle hand wrapped around one of your wrists, peeling it gently of you eye, a stark contrast to his pushing tone. He let it drop between your bodies before doing it again with your other hand.

As the white dots slowly disappeared, you did as he told you, taking in a shaky breath. You still wanted to cry and the heaviness was also still there, but at least you had said what was on your mind.

"What result did you got on the first exam, back when we were first years?"

The question caught you off guard and you shot him a confused look. His face was neutral now, not giving away any thoughts and emotions.

"C'mon, fucking answer me, so I can go back to sleep."

"Uh, I think I was the 14th?"

He chuckled. "You were the 13th actually, but whatever. And then the first exam last year?"

Not knowing where he wanted to go with this and how this had anything to do with tomorrow, you answered, "9th."

"Correct. And the first exam this year?"

"5th. I really appreciate you reminding me of my gr-"

He clasped his free hand over your mouth. "Just fucking wait, you impatient woman. How many times could you beat stupid Deku during practice so far?"

Furrowing your eyebrows, you mumbled against his hand, "Twice."

"And Icyhot?"

Maybe, you thought, you slowly got the direction he wanted to go with you. Freeing your mouth, a slight smirk creeped up your face. "Four times."

"And me?" There was a sour look on his face as you turned to him and you wanted to wipe it away, but instead, you said,

"Six times." Your smile grew wider as he sighed, "and that was only this semester."

"ha, don't get too proud of yourself. I just had bad days then." He placed a hand on your cheek, the calloused pad of his thumb stroking your cheekbone. "Just because it took you longer to climb to the top, doesn't mean you don't deserve it."

"Bu-"

A low growl left his lips. "I told you to wait, haven't I? You're making me sleep-deprived, so you at least own me to keep your sweet mouth for a minute."

You pressed your lips together, feeling guilty.

"Good. I don't know who told you you wouldn’t belong here, but that's the biggest pile of shit I have ever heard. And I heard a lot. You fucking worked your cute little ass off to get better and you even beat me sometimes. And, as much as I wish it had been pure luck, it wasn’t. You are not some fucking extra like that asswipe of a grape. And tomorrow, you're going to pass, become an official hero and then we'll get to be the best. Nothing else will happen, you fucking hear me?"

Too stunned by his words, you stayed silent. His words made you think back of all the hours you had slumped over your desk, studying late into the night before you had to get up early to hit the gym. You remembered all the sweat, the tears, the blood.

It took you a second to realize that the urge to cry was gone. The pressure on your lungs was still there, but you could breathe better now.

"Thank you, 'suki", you whispered, finding his eyes. What else could you say?

The corners of his lips lifted up a little. "Always."

You kissed him, short and sweet, and then snuggled into his chest. "Maybe we should sleep now."

Even though you didn't see it, you could practically feel his eye-roll. "Don't pretend like it's my fault we're up at this hours, stupid woman."

His arms wrapped securely around your frame and by the time he kissed the top of your head, you were out like a light already. "You're lucky I love you."

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sneezefiction · 4 years

Text

embrace

Tsukishima x Reader - Scenario

@belli-jelly’s event request: “#7 with Tsukki ❤️ thank youu!”

a/n: “embrace” with Tsukishima is such a soft idea. he just needs a hug and to feel loved n supported n stuff, ya know? i hope u enjoy!! <333

warnings: slight language, angst (but barely?)

wc: 1990

---

Tsukishima makes his ways through the apartment door, kicking off his shoes a little more forcefully than usual. The thunk of the soles on the tile embodies whatever vexation he’d been simmering in for the duration of the day. A weak, frustration-fueled sigh exits his body.

From the kitchen, you can already tell that something is off. He hasn’t called out to you with his usual, “Hey stupid, I’m home.” You hadn’t even received his typical text telling you he was leaving the gym. The tense silence seeps into the airspace as he makes his way toward you, Tsukki’s feet dragging with every step.

As he turns corner, you’re greeted by features taut with fatigue. It’s as though he’d been running on empty all day, barely making it home with only fumes of energy leftover.

Tsukki’s eyes were undoubtedly strained. The white, intense light of the gym combined with deep concentration kept him on high-alert with eyes wide open at all times.

His shoulders maintained a somewhat slumped position, losing an inch or two of height in the process. The mental weight of handling everything on his own had finally reached him physically.

This hadn’t been a good day, per se.

And if Tsukki had the energy to speak, he would probably tell you how much he would rather be in a month-long coma than experience that level of misery again.

But the hushed air remains and a bizarre staring contest takes place between you two instead of passing words. It’s hard to speak when you know that, deep down, words could never do his terrible days any justice. That even a thoughtful sentence or a well-intended comment would simply drown under Tsukki’s sea of thought, never resurfacing or coming up for air to be heard or understood.

He’s too exhausted to process even the shortest of loving dialogues. And you can tell.

So you sift through other possibilities.

Ways to calm him. To remind him that you care and want to look after him.

Should you make him dinner? He’s probably already eaten. Watch a movie together? No, the light would bother his tired eyes even more. Just go to bed? He would only continue to stir through his disappointments and be kept up by the throbbing of soreness in his legs.

As your eyes trickle down the length of his body, which is now leaning on the countertop as he takes a long sip out of his water bottle, you come to one final alternative…

But it’s always a bit of a gamble. A slight risk.

To touch or not to touch.

Would he lean into it like a self-satisfied, curious cat, tilting his lean body into your affectionate antics? Or would his brittle, biting character and miserable mood cause himself to crumble and fall away from the warmth and comfort of your smaller arms?

On one hand, you might experience your beloved Tsukishima’s gentler side. The one that held you as though he were a mama bird wrapping her wide-spanned wings around your precious form. Instinctively protective. A second-natured response to the way you circled your arms around his torso, tugging him into your field, requesting closeness and vulnerability. It could potentially get his mind off of the day and focus him on the here and now.

But on the other hand, Tsukki had a track record of off days. Jumping away from the soft glide of the pads of your fingertips. On those days, your embrace seemed to resemble that of a thorny, roseless bush to the wavy-haired blonde. The chance of him tugging away, leaving you drained and drooping, was higher than you had ever wanted to bet on. The possibility of him ending up at the opposite side of the bed seemed to increase after experiences like these.

And to be honest, you could never be sure if the touch-deterring wall he built up was to protect himself or you. Yet you always try to find ways to chip away at his salty, skeptical barrier without overstepping any fragile, unspoken boundaries.

It’s a simple concept. However, avoiding his sensitivities is an endless dance and is much harder than it may look. Especially at the end of a long day of pro-league practice, where sweat, sulking, and inferiority complexes don’t usually mix well.

But this was the only viable option left, so you get over your own worries and approach Tsukishima’s weary form. You stop just a few inches before him, his eyes dropping to meet yours. He was even more beaten down up close. The defeated expression he carried in tandem with his worn-out demeanor made you physically ache for him.

“Tsukki… you’re not lookin’ too hot right now.” You let out a breathy laugh, slowly lifting yourself onto your tiptoes to brush a hand through his messy hair, testing the waters.

He doesn’t flinch away from your movements, so you sink back down onto the soles of your feet, letting your hand run down the side of his face.

“No shit, Sherlock. I don’t exactly feel great either.” He shoots back, but there’s a somber, troubled tinge.

Tsukki inches toward you, looking away as he tilts the side of his head into the palm of your hand. Your fingers cup his cheek.

Everyone knew how Tsukki acted when he was annoyed or angry. Snappy, sarcastic comments would be strewn in an almost poetic manner, kindly crushing those under his scrutiny. Many had seen Tsukishima after a merciless game, beaten and worn out. He would still have a muted fire behind his efforts and would carry himself with dignity, even if he didn’t feel confidence rise inside of him.

But gloominess? It doesn’t suit him. Not now, not ever.

And currently, he’s emanating a dreary, depressing sadness, like being caught in a rainstorm without an umbrella to shield you. It’s helpless and uncontrollable. Utterly humiliating.

You can practically feel the strain of the day radiating off of him. Tsukki had a tendency to wither slowly and cautiously. Not allowing anyone to watch as his snarky comments fizzled out and his sharp gaze gradually dull. By the look in his golden eyes, it was obvious that something in him had already snapped like an old tree branch. Battered and bruised by storm after brutal summer storm, finally shattering under the repetitive pressures of failure and imposter syndrome.

In the past, he had let apathy take over in order to not burden you. Withholding affection, thinking it would keep you safe from his sinking atmosphere when in reality he wished to drink in your tenderness. To fall under your grasp, sinking his head under your chin and lay across your chest.

But maybe it was all too much.

Too much to hold in. To carry alone.

“Kei…” At the use of his first name, he physically softens. Drawing his arms around your middle and clasping his hands behind your back, he gently rests his chin on your head.

“You can always lean on me.” You whisper into the fabric of his shirt.

Your words carry a deeper semblance. That you really are here for him. Physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to lift him up.

You picked a good time for physical touch because he only pulls you in tighter.

He’s pretty warm and smells like sweat mixed with deodorant and his cedar-scented shampoo. You grasp the cloth and squeeze him into you, making sure to keep him steady and balanced. His breathing falls into a gentle rhythm, almost as though he were falling asleep standing up.

“If you weren’t so lanky I would pick you up, but you’re a damn tree.” You sigh, poking fun at him.

The touches were cathartic. Healing. Authentic. Your lighthearted comments kept things comfortable, hindering him from drawing away due to feelings of unworthiness or self-consciousness.

“Wow, okay, bold words for someone who can hardly seem to pick up a bag of flour. You couldn’t hold me even if you were my height.” He snickers, tension releasing and adrenaline wearing off from the high-energy day.

You shift to look up at Tsukki, your chin gently pressing into his chest. He’s already staring down at you. You can’t help that a blush works its way up your neck and onto your cheeks, the warmth from his unusual touch sending you unwarranted fuzzy feelings. As much as you wished this embrace could be all for Tsukki, you’d wanted to hug him with all your might for a while now.

“Y/n… Honest question, so don’t laugh at me. Why are you doing this?” Tsukishima breaks eye contact, arms shifting to lean your chest more on top of his as he sinks a little deeper onto the counter, his back supported by the ledge.

“What do you mean by ‘this’?” You inquire, eyes still fixed on him, searching his expression.

“I mean... You know when things are going to shit. You know when I need something. A back massage, a slap to the face, hell, even a coffee sometimes.” He snorts, trying not to take his own question too seriously.

You’re the one to sigh now. Doesn’t he know how these things work by now? That being in a relationship with him meant more than insulting the daylights out of each other and going out to dinner? Apparently even Tsukishima lacks a lot perspective when it comes to loving another human being.

“You’re stubborn as hell.” You state plainly, your face going blank.

“What?”

“You refuse to see that you need help too sometimes, babe. Hate to break it to ya, but I actually like listening to and hugging you.” You break into a small smile.

“What does that have to do with anything?” He rolls his eyes at your confusing sentence.

“Are you that dense?” You express with mock disdain at his response.

“Tsukki, I’m saying that you don’t burden me! That I want to be there for you even after shitty days like these! You’re an absolute dumbass!” You snicker and your smile reaches your eyes, crinkling and squinting as his meet yours.

Instead of saying anything, Tsukishima rests in place, dumbfounded.

It’s true, you always were there for him.

Cheering at every game. Cooking dinner for him when you knew he would get home way too late and practically starving. Letting him rant relentlessly about losses and seemingly endless practices.

So why was it that only after breaking down in every way possible, he would finally let you see his most vulnerable thoughts and fears. That he would allow you to witness his exhaustion only once it had reached its peak. That it took Tsukki completely collapsing to let you wrap you arms around him.

And you both guess that it’s because old habits die hard.

Tsukki would always be Tsukki. A little too cold and relentlessly set on drenching others in his never-ending supply of sarcasm. Reluctant to accept help until it was already showing through the bleeding cracks of his figure and laced within his pained speech.

Because for someone so good at putting up and breaking through blocks, Tsukishima needed help with the walls that he had built up under his skin over the years. He needed to see that he couldn’t always protect you from his fears, but that you would be there to help him fight them. Or at least hug them away when it all got too much.

And as he presses a gentle kiss onto your forehead, you know it will be okay. Because embraces like these are what chip away at walls of fear. It’s the first step and you can already feel the tension crumble away, allowing warmth to surround the two of you.

So you begin to remind him more and more that you like hugs. And he lets you hold him far more often, slowly but surely letting you deeper into his mind and into his arms. A much needed and highly welcomed addition to your everyday life.

---

tags: @cherryonigiri, @yams046, @miss-rin, @shou-kunn, @senkuwu-chan, @super-noya, @stcrryskies, @holaaaf, @sugacookiies

(comment or send an ask to be added to my general tag list)

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