#this is about my last honest suicide attempt

[imtryingbuck]

Eighteen

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Summary: Bucky comes from a well respected family, he falls in love with a girl who prefers the simple things in life. Follow their journey through the years.

Word count: 5,786

Warnings: fluff, angst, heavy use of pet names. eating humans (doesn’t happen obviously and it’s only said as a joke) mentions of cheating, mentions of past suicide attempt

A/N: No description of reader other than she has curly hair.

Masterlist   Series Masterlist

It had been three years since she was last at home, three years at private school and it was amazing for her. 

She made friends with two of the girls there Natasha and Wanda, they had introduced themselves to her first and Wanda shyly had asked if Y/n would like to be their friend, she hesitated at first but eventually said yes which brought a huge smile to Wanda’s face and a shy smile to Nat’s.

They accepted her with open arms and Nat even enjoyed playing in the mud and climbing trees with Y/n. When that fateful day came where they saw her scars she panicked and knew that they wouldn’t want to be her friends anymore but instead of judgemental or looks of horror Wanda burst out crying and pulled her in to a bone crushing hug whilst Nat stood there cursing in Russian. For the first time since James she opened up to what had happened to her.

Not even Steve knew the whole story, especially not Sam. Sam had heard things but chose not to listen; he chose to wait until she had said something herself.

Once she had finished telling them everything she was comforting the two red heads reminding them that she was okay now.

It had felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and for the first time she felt like she could breathe.

If you saw one of the girls the other two was close behind.

Throughout the three years that had passed she had heard about Bucky, Sam and Steve from her parents. The boys had showed up a few days after she had left so James could apologise and when they found out she had gone James started to cry, Steve and Sam too. When she heard about that she wanted to go back home to make up with her boys fighting with herself on whether or not she should but ultimately she decided that she wasn’t going anywhere. James had made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t her friend and that he never wanted to be in the first place.

It was a hard decision for her to make but luckily she had Nat and Wanda by her side supporting her.

Now that school was over she was heading back home, she had decided she didn’t want to go to college and after a bit of back and forth with her parents - especially her mom - they agreed to let her do what she wanted to do.

“We’ll see each other in a month Wands don’t cry” she says hugging Wanda who was in fact balling her eyes out.

“A month is so long away an-and what will I do if I’ve forgotten your face or-or your voice?” Ever so dramatically Wanda cried.

“Really? Really Wands it’s four weeks you’re not going to forget anything about me and if you do I’ll have to punch you in the arm”

“Please don’t, but you’re right. I’ll just have to go on living without you my friend, go go leave and don’t look back, I don’t think my heart could take it” Wanda says bringing one hand across her face and the other clutching her chest.

Y/n looks at Nat who stands there with one eyebrow raised “this…this is our best friend”

“I know. Wand why do you have to be so dramatic all the time?”

“Hey I’m not dramatic I’m traumatised!”

Nat and Y/n burst out laughing, shaking their heads at the red head. “Traumatised? Wanda I love you but you my friend are so dramatic”

“I’m trying to be…emotional and romantic well not romantic because even though I love you Y/n I have to admit baby girl you’re not my type”

“Don’t say that-“ Nat says quickly but gets cut off.

“I-I’m not y-your type? H-how dare you!”

“Great just great, look everyone these two weirdo’s are my best friends!” Nat shouts pointing at her friends.

“I have to be honest with myself Y/n/n okay, I can’t keep lying to you it-it’s not fair, I’m sorry” Wanda says in a wobbly voice.

“No, no I understand. I’m just not good enough for you and that’s the truth! Don’t keep lying to yourself Wanda!”

“Guys please stop…” Nat butts in.

“Great you’ve upset our daughter!” Wanda shouts throwing her hands in the air.

“Me? Me? Well guess Wanda she might not even be yours! That’s right I cheated on you with your father!”

“W-what? H-how could you? I loved you”

“But you don’t love me anymore now the truth can be out there!”

“To be fair Wanda could possibly be my dad because we both have red hair…”

“She gets her attitude from you Y/n, how could you do this to us?”

“Us? You’re the one that literally just said I wasn’t your type!”

“Guys please, I don’t want to come from a broken home”

“Oh Natty come here sweetie me and your maybe father was just playing” Y/n says opening her arms for Nat to shuffle into. Wanda then wraps her arms around the pair.

“Well ladies that was a very moving performance if I do say so myself but it’s time for you to break it up and leave” Mr Walters says from the steps leading up to the school.

“Right, sorry sir. Emotional day” Y/n speaks first.

“A lot of truth came out sir, we needed it” Wanda then says.

“Wanda might not be my father sir, I’m so depressed” Nat shrugs.

“I’m…I’m actually traumatised because of you three. Thanks for that.”

“Rude. Well goodbye sir, thanks for being the best teacher ever!” Y/n waves.

“Bye ladies, good luck with everything” he says walking back in to the school, he had to admit that he was going to miss seeing the trio and miss their antics.

“You’re such a teacher’s pet” Nat laughed.

“It’s called respect madam, something you clearly don’t have for your mother!”

“Y/n, baby it’s time to go” Maria interrupts whatever Nat was going to say.

“Coming. Well ladies I guess this is it, it’s been a pleasure knowing you but this is where the curtains close, I bid you adieu.” Y/n bows.

“And I’m called dramatic” rolling her eyes Wanda bows too.

“Alright guess I’ve got to do the same” Nat follows along.

“But no in all seriousness I’m so glad I met you and I’m forever grateful to the pair of you”

“Always Y/n you know this, we’ll always be friends no matter what and we’ll see each other next month” Nat said as she pulls Y/n into a hug.

“I love you both” Wanda says wrapping her arms around her friends.

Pulling away they all smile at each other.

“Last one to their parents cars are a rotten egg in 3…2…1” 

They take off running to their parents; Y/n first, Nat second and Wanda third.

“No fair! You guys know I’m terrible at running!” Wanda shouts from her parents’ car.

The drive home was filled with conversations, laughter and catching up. It had been six months since they had seen her in that six months she looked more grown up, more sure of herself, happier.

Maria couldn’t help but smile as her daughter rambled on about what her and her friends had been getting up to. Amazed by how she looked so much like her mama, Maria made it her sole mission to make sure Y/n got a few photographs of her and her mama from the hell hole of a house she grew up in. Maria had kept one for herself it was a photo of Y/n who was roughly three or four years old with her arms wrapped around her mamas neck who had a baby Y/n in her arms as they stood outside a cabin, both smiling widely as the camera captured a beautiful moment between mother and daughter.

It was only after seeing that photograph that Maria understood where Y/n had gotten her crazy unruly hair from, Maria knew that Y/n was blessed to have taken her looks and traits from such a beautiful woman.

Y/n didn’t know that her momma would go to her mamas grave and put fresh flowers down every weekend or how she would sit on the hard ground and speak to the woman she never met before and talk for hours telling her how their daughter was growing, how she was cheeky and caring, how smart she was. Or how just before she would leave the grave where her birth mom laid Maria would place a kiss to her fingers and place them on the headstone and say “thank you my friend” because yes even though she had never met the woman and that she was no longer alive she had become Maria’s friend, and every time she thanked the woman it was for giving her a wonderful gift, Y/n.

“-mom? Momma are you even listening?” Y/n says.

“Oh, sorry darling yes I’m listening”

“No you weren’t but it’s okay I was just saying that Nat had found a rat in her bag and she screamed so loudly it nearly burst my eardrums”

“To be truthful I would have done the same thing” Maria chuckles.

“I know! I had to calm it down because it had gotten scared, I mean well so would I if I had Nat screaming and trying to hit me with a bag” Y/n giggles.

Shaking her head she was so happy that Y/n had Nat and Wanda as friends, they treat her good and were really amazing friends to her daughter. When she met the two red heads she was taken back by watching their dynamic and how well Y/n fit in so perfectly.

“Natasha’s reaction was perfectly justifiable” she points out.

“That’s true but she could have calmed down, I was there and we all know I’m great at talking to animals and calming them down” she smirks.

“Very true angel, listen…please don’t be mad-“

“No…dad you both promised!”

“It wasn’t our idea angel but George’s and Winnie’s, darling they’ve missed you-“

“A party dad? I suck at those things”

“It’s not a party but more like a get together-“

“So a party. Uncle George and Aunt Winnie don’t do “get togethers” dad and you know that”

“Well it’s happening and you’re going to enjoy it, you’re going to smile and have a good time and you’ll thank George and Winnie afterwards” Howard speaks.

“Yes Master”

“Good boy”

“Treat?”

“Not yet”

“Do you want me to give you my paw?”

“Mar our dog talks way too much, I told you we should have gone with a German shepherd and not a Chihuahua”

“Oi I’m not a Chihuahua! If I had to be a dog I probably would be basset hound…”

“Why?”

“They’re so cute and lazy and small”

Howard lets out a booming laugh as he nods, Y/n joins in whilst Maria looks at the driver who’s trying not to laugh “would you be a dear and crash the car for me please?”

“No don’t, I can’t get a treat if I’m dead” Y/n laughs out causing Howard to laugh even louder.

“‘A get together’ yeah alright dad! It’s like the whole world is here” she scoffs.

“Don’t be so dramatic, come on and don’t forget to smile”

Half of the people who had showed up she didn’t even know and the ones she did were either nice to her or people who helped to torment her but doing as her father said she smiled at everyone, saying her thanks when people congratulated her for graduating school.

“My sweetie!” Winnie’s loud voice came from across the garden, Y/n watched at the woman who she’s missed dearly nearly runs over to her.

“Miss Winnie, I’ve missed you!” She wraps her arms around her third mother figure.

“I’ve missed you too my sweet baby, oh look at you! All so grown up and so bloody beautiful, where’s that’s little girl who broke my heart all them years ago gone?”

“I killed her and buried her in the backyard but don’t tell my momma or dada that” she giggled.

“I won’t don’t worry your secrets safe with me” Winnie winked.

“Is-is that…no I don’t believe my eyes. It’s my darling girl!” George shouts ignoring all the looks that get thrown his way as he makes his way over to Y/n and Winnie.

“Hi Mr George”

“Oh my, you’re as beautiful as ever!” He picks her up and spins her around just as he did when she was little “oof and your heavier”

“George!” Winnie scolds.

“What have they been feeding you at that school hey missy?” He asks completely ignoring his wife.

“Humans from all over the world” she winks with a shoulder shrug.

“Are they nice? I’ve been thinking of getting into eating humans” 

“Honestly? I recommend that you should, tasty” she laughs, George and Winnie joining in.

“On a serious note though, I’ve missed you darling and I’m so proud of you. And please remember I love you, you’ve always been our daughter too. Oh God I’m so fucking proud of you” George says with tears in his eyes as he remembers the first day he met her, how small and scruffy she was, how scared she look. After what that monster did to her he was scared that she wasn’t going to survive. It’s true though, he and Winnie saw her as their daughter before Howard and Maria adopted her.

“I love you both too and I will forever be indebted to you both”

“Nonsense silly girl” Winnie says.

“Are you trying to steal my daughter away?” Howard laughs as he walks over.

“Obviously, the plan is to knock you and Maria out and I’m going to kidnap this one” George says.

Howard laughs which has George turning to Y/n “he thinks I’m joking, but I’m not”

“Don’t wind him up” she laughs.

She’s oblivious to the conversation that’s happening on the other side of the garden as she laughs with her parents and surrogate parents.

“My sweetie!” He hears his mother call out and he knows instantly that Y/n has arrived as he looks in the direction his mother is making her way over to his breath gets caught in his throat.

His Bunny.

His Bunny all grown up.

His Bunny all grown up and looking just as beautiful as she looked the last time he saw her.

There hasn’t been a single day that’s gone by where he hadn’t regretted this shit that spewed out of his mouth that day. When he found out that she had left it felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and stomped on a million times.

Of course he was never friends with her out of pity, she was easy to talk to, she made him laugh, she was his best friend, his person.

His soulmate as Winnie would say.

But every day he reminded himself that he only had himself to blame.

“I-is that…” Steve questioned with his eyes trained on his best friend who he hasn’t seen in three years.

“Bunny” Bucky nods.

“Holy shit she’s gorgeous” Sam says.

“Yeah she is” Bucky agrees.

“When are you going to talk to her?” Steve asks.

“I’m not. She’s not going to want to talk to me, not after what I said the last time we saw each other”

“That was three years ago Buck, it’s Y/n she’s no doubt forgiven you”

“I doubt it. Steve you have no idea how sad she looked man”

“Bro just go and talk to her” Sam says taking a sip of his beer.

“I-I can’t, are you two going to talk to her?”

“Yeah…well I was going to wait for her reaction with you first before making my way over to her” Steve admits.

“Same if she hits you then I’m staying away but if she doesn’t then yeah of course I’ll talk to her”

“Cheers” Bucky grumbles his eyes refusing to move away from her.

They all watch as she laughs with her parents and Bucky’s, they don’t stop the smile from forming onto their lips as they watch their best friend.

They all carried their own guilt from three years ago and all silently hope that she forgives them for what happened.

“Buck go and talk to her” Steve tries to encourage his friend mainly so he could then talk to her.

“Yeah…yeah I’m going to do it” he puts his drink down on the table before straightening his shirt out.

Just as he was about to take that first step closer to his Bunny he stutters when he sees a tall bulky guy with blonde hair walk up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist, watching as she squeals turning around in the guys hold.

He watches as she places her hands on either side of his face and places her lips to his.

He’s pretty certain that he hears his heart breaking.

“Buck…”

“Huh? Yeah?”

“A-are you alright?”

“I’m fine, so she’s got a boyfriend that’s cool” he turns to pick his drink back up and downs it in one gulp. “Do-do you think she’s happy?”

Steve and Sam share a look before answering. “We’re not sure pal”

“I hope she is, t-that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her.”

They continue to watch as Y/n introduces the guy to Bucky’s parents and they can tell instantly that Winnie’s smile is fake, she’s always been the one rooting for Y/n and James to get together. The smile on Y/n’s face is as big as it ever was as she stares up at the guy.

“How do you think they met?” Bucky asks.

“God knows, but as long as he treats her right that’s all that matters really.” Sam says eyeing Bucky cautiously.

“I hope so”

As the party winds down the boys not barely moving apart from Sam as he raids the table with all the food on it. They watch as the blonde guy leaves, not without having a make out session with Y/n.

As the guests start leaving Bucky’s quick to notice that Y/n is no longer around and when George stumbles over to the boys he finds out that Y/n’s disappeared and wonders if they had seen her, they all shake their heads.

“I think I might know where she is, hold on”

He makes his way down to the bottom of the garden and climbs over the fence, really hoping he was right.

“Bunny” he whispers when he sees her sitting on the ground in the spot they claimed as theirs, the same spot he first laid eyes on her when he was just seven years old.

“Hi James” she whispers back keeping her back to him.

“C-can I sit next to you?”

“Sure”

For the first time since the two have known each other they sit side by side in uncomfortable silence. It pains the both of them that this is how it’s come down to this.

But unfortunately it had.

“So-um-how are you?” Bucky asked as he stumbled over his words.

“I’m good, what about you?”

“Good, that’s good. I-I’ve missed you Bunny” he admits, his heart squeezing when he sees her flinching.

“Oh”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I just don’t know why you would have missed me when you didn’t want me to be your friend anymore or ever”

“I didn’t mean it Bun I swear. I was angry an-and I took it out on you, I’ve regretted it ever since”

“Why was you angry? I’m the one that had my back exposed to the whole school and the three people who were my only friends, the only people I trusted more than anything didn’t try and stop it or-or even try and help me. You had no right in being angry James” he hates how she doesn’t raise her voice and hates that she calls him James.

“I know and I’m sorry Y/n I really am”

“It’s okay I guess.”

“No it’s not! None of the shit I said or didn’t do was okay, you’re my best friend Bun and I should have stuck up for you. I shouldn’t have said I chose Dot over you because you always came first no matter what”

“It’s okay because it doesn’t matter anymore, I got over it”

“Over it or over me?”

“Honestly? Both”

Bucky released a choking sob at her admission, she had gotten over him and he didn’t know what to do. “Bun-“

“You shouldn’t call me that James, don’t want to upset your girlfriend”

“I-I don’t have a girlfriend”

“What happened with Dot?”

“She-I walked in on her having sex with Brock”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she said it was a one time thing but he said they’d been at it for months so…”

“I’m sorry, I never liked her”

“Did you even know her?”

“No…what kind of name is Dot anyway?”

“It’s short for Dolores” he laughed.

“Stupid name for a stupid girl. How long were you two dating for?”

“A year, actually walked in on them the day after our one year anniversary”

“That’s cold”

“Yeah. What about you? Lover boy back there” he watches as her cheeks start to turn red and a shy smile on her lips, his heart pounds loudly in his chest at the sight.

“His names Pietro, w-we’ve been dating for five months now”

“How did you two meet?”

“He’s actually my best friends twin brother, we met when her family came up to see Wanda and she introduced us and yeah, he asked me out on a date and then another and another then he asked me out”

“Does he make you happy?”

“He does, well when he’s not talking with his mouth full” she giggled, and for the first time in over three years she looks up at him. Breath gets caught in her throat as he’s looking just as beautiful as he looked the last time she saw him.

“I’m glad, not about the food in mouth when he talks thing but I’m glad he makes you happy”

Not knowing how to reply they fell back into silence but this time it was comfortable.

Y/n was the first one to break the silence “do you know if anyone lives in my old house?”

“No one wanted to move in after…you know”

“Oh. Have you ever been there?”

“Once, I didn’t go in or anything I just stood outside”

“When?”

“A few months after you left. I’m not sure why I did it but” Y/n stood up and held her hand out for James to take and helped him stand, pulling her hand away from his once he was stood up she started to walk in the direction of her old home.

“Come on slow pokes” she called over her shoulder.

“Y/n are you sure about this?”

“My therapist said that it might help me to be able to finally move on”

“You’re in therapy?”

“Yeah, mom said it might help after what I did”

“W-what do you mean?”

“I tried to kill myself” she shrugged.

As she carried on walking she hadn’t realised that Bucky had stopped. She had tried to end her life and no one told him. Bucky had lost her as his friend and nearly lost her in this world completely and no one told him.

“Ducky?”

His heart stopped at that name.

“Duck? Come on we’re not that far now”

“Y-you called me Ducky”

“Well yeah that’s your name isn’t it?” She smirked.

“Bunny please don’t joke about this. You called me Ducky even though we’re not friends anymore”

“You’ll always be Ducky to me James. And who said we’re not friends anymore?”

“We-we aren’t?”

“Nope, we said we’d be friends forever and forever hasn’t ended yet so therefore our friendship is still intact, come”

“B-but what I said”

“It’s in the past”

“Can we go back to being Bunny and Ducky again?”

“Well of course, that’s if you actually did want to be my friend and not just doing it out of pit-“

A loud squeal echoed through the woods as Bucky charged at her picking her up as if she weighed nothing and spun her around. “I never meant what I said Bun never not for one second, please forgive me and I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you”

“Buy me an ice cream and all is forgiven”

Laughing he puts her down slowly and nods “I can do that. Bun”

“Yeah”

“Yo-you tried to kill yourself?”

“Yeah, it was about a year ago”

“Why did you try and do it? Why wasn’t I told?”

“I was in a dark place Duck, remember my special place?-“ she taps the side of her head and watches as he nods “-well it wasn’t special anymore and-well I don’t want to get in to it but it got bad so I wanted to end it”

Rolling her sleeves up she showed Bucky the two angry long scars on her arms, he slowly reached out and gently glided a finger down the scars. “Nat found me in the bathroom and screamed out for Wanda who went and got a teacher, Mr Walters came running and picked me up rushed me to the schools nurse and I was taken to the hospital when an ambulance arrived. My parents were called and I begged them not to tell anyone that included your parents Ducky, they don’t know.”

“Bunny…”

“I’m okay now though, yeah I have bad days still but it’s not as bad as it had been and Dr Cho is incredible, she’s so sweet and she’s never once judged me about anything and she makes me laugh, oh and she always has sweets!”

“I should have been with you Bun, I’m so sorry I let you down”

“Hey none of that! It’s not your fault at all, mental health is a bitch-shit-fuck-please don’t tell momma I swore!”

“You still don’t swear?” Bucky laughs.

“No momma says it’s unladylike”

“You? A lady?” He has to stop walking and bends over with laughter.

“Oh shut up! I could be a lady”

“Never!”

Y/n knows it’s true herself but that was beside the point.

“Shut up. Come on I need your support to get this over and done with”

“I’m coming Bun, are you sure you want me here with you?”

“Always”

The rest of the walk was done in silence and before she realises she’s standing in front on the wired fence surrounding her old home. Looking at Bucky she musters a smile that he knows is fake and presses down on the fence and climbs over.

Waiting for Bucky to do the same she stares at the slowly decaying building that’s haunted her nightmares since she was seven years old. The ivy wraps itself around the house, windows are smashed from either Mother Nature, kids playing in the woods or animals. For some reason the building looks just like it’s supposed to - a building. She feels quite silly for letting it terrorise her dreams now that she’s standing in front of it, it doesn’t seem so scary now.

“Bun, we don’t have to go in if you don’t want to” Bucky’s gentle voice came from next to her.

“No I’ve got to, I’ve got to put the monster to bed once and for all. It’s-it-can we just wait out here for a few minutes, please?”

“Of course Bun. I’m right here”

A few minutes go by and she finally puts one foot out in front of the other, taking slow steps towards the place she once called home a very long time ago now. Her chest starts to feel tighter as she got closer to her nightmare.

Pushing the door open Bucky stepped up first knocking the cobwebs out of the way before moving back to where he was before.

“Thanks” she whispered.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. She chanted softly to herself as she forced her feet to move forward.

It was weird. As she walked further into the cabin she saw the small dinning table laying on its side, the two chairs broken and the small dingy couch still in the same spot as they were that night her father nearly killed her.

The floorboards creaked under their feet as they moved around the place.

“Th-this is where it happened” she whispers to Bucky as they stand in the middle of the room.

“Bun-“

“That’s my blood Duck” she points to the faded blood stains on the floor.

“Bun-“

“It’s creepy isn’t it? I laid right there and was on my way to play with angels before the cops showed up and now my blood is stained into the wood”

“Bun look at me, come on Bun look at me. Good, it’s okay. It’s all okay”

“I-I know it’s just creepy isn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah it is”

“Can I show you my room?”

“Okay”

Walking down the hallway she comes to a stop in front of the first door on the right and she starts to push the wooden door open, both wincing as the hinges squeak.

“Nothings changed in here ah” Y/n moves over to the tiny desk her mama had gotten her she smiles “look…”

“It’s a stick Bun”

“Ah nope it’s not any old stick Ducky, it’s the stick you picked up the second time we met”

“What? Really, you kept it?”

“Of course aha. Hey can you help me move this?”

“Sure”

They move the desk - well Bucky did whilst Y/n stands there and watches - Y/n thanks him before kneeling down on the floor and started to lift up the floorboard smiling in victory when she sees the metal tin her mama had put there when she was five.

“What is it?”

“This, this has my toys that my mama hid so that he wouldn’t break them” she sits with her legs crossed and smiles up at Bucky as he sits across from her.

“Toys?”

“Yeah, but not any old toys Duck, no these are animal toys-look” she groans as she pulls the lid open “this is a giraffe, this is a sheep? no a goat, and an elephant-“ she lists off all the animals in the box as she blindly hands them over to Bucky who’s sitting there with his eyes fixed on her, the way her smile lights up makes his heart tingle, the way she sounds so happy brings a smile to his face. It had been so long since her saw her shine so brightly.

“And here’s a photo of me and mama”

Taking the photo his eyes bounce from the photo to her, it was the first time since he was either eight or nine that he’d seen a photo of his Bunnies mom “you look just like her”

“No, she’s beautiful”

“Exactly.” He smiles when her cheeks start to go red. “Hey do you have anything of your mamas?”

“Just photos” she shrugs.

“Come” he helps her put all the toy animals back in the tin and stands, helping her raise too he takes her hand and asks “is this her room?”

“Yeah why?”

“Let’s see if there’s anything of hers still here so you can have them”

“Duck…”

“It’s okay Bunny” he opens the door instantly shutting it before placing his body in front of the door.

“James?”

“I-I-we can’t go in there Bun”

“I know. Is there still blood?”

“You know?”

“Yeah, that’s the reason why he nearly killed me that night. I tried to find my mama and went into her room and well, yeah”

“Oh Bun”

“It’s okay, I want to go in it might help me feel closer to my mama if I have something of hers”

“Just don’t look at the bed okay baby”

Baby. Her heart shouldn’t stutter the way it did.

“Okay”

Bucky opens the door making his way over to the bed to flip the quilt over so she doesn’t have to see the stains, again.

“She always wore this jumper, I put it on once and tripped over when I tried to walk” she giggles.

“Take it, what about this?” Bucky hold up a long skirt that had patterns on it.

“In the summer she would pull up over her chest so it was like a dress and look it has pockets!”

“Take?”

“Absolutely”

Over the course of twenty minutes Bucky had found a small suitcase and they filled it with all the clothes she wanted to take.

“Bun is this box your mamas?”

“Yeah it’s where her jewels lived.” Laughing when Bucky cocks his eyebrow up “I couldn’t say jewellery so mama said jewels and told me that the box was their home”

“Fair enough, would you like to take it?”

“Okay”

By the time they had finished it was close to being pitch black in the cabin. “Come on Duck its getting too dark to see anything now”

“Okay” as they moved their way through the cabin laughing at each other when the other had bumped into something, getting to the door Bucky stopped “wait a second Bun”

“Duck-“

“Gimme a second Bun”

He goes back inside and she giggles when she hears him say “ow” a few minutes he comes back out smiling whilst holding up the metal tin that housed her toy animals.

“Couldn’t forget this now could we?”

“Y/n? Where the hell have you been?”

“My old house…”

“Oh.”

“Yeah Ducky helped me get things that was my mamas”

“Ducky?” Both sets of parents say in unison.

“Yeah, we’re friends again”

Their dads, Bucky and Y/n all flinch when Maria and Winnie start screaming in joy, hugging each other whilst they jump around in a circle.

“Don’t even think about it George” Howard warns his longest friend as George slinks over to him.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about Howie”

“Don’t call me that!”

Bucky takes Y/n’s hand in his and slowly backs up whilst their dads argue.

“That was embarrassing” he laughs.

“It’s cute. Maybe we’ll be like that with our kids one day”

“W-what?” Bucky splutters, cheeks going bright red.

“N-no I mean me and my husband and you with your wife…you know?”

Before Bucky could reply they heard Sam’s voice from the doorway.

“Y/n…”

“Hi Sammy, hi Stevie”

Bucky watches as his three best friends reunite with each other, he has to admit that her comment about kids made his stomach flutter then drop when she mentions about her imaginary husband and his imaginary wife.

For the first time in three years Bucky felt whole once again.

<Previous   Next>

Tags: @cjand10 @unaxv @mcira @bisexualnikkisixx @kneelforloki @kandis-mom @sagebarness @sandyruston @scott-loki-barnes @nikkivillar @saltedcoffeescotch @scentedharmonymiracle @examinarei @sarcastickiddo @sadboiabby @unholyhuntress @8crazy-freak8 @ijustneedpopcorn @moonbeampillgoth @imcinnamoons @elmo-1066 @violetwinterwidow01 @suz7days @adoredire @ozwriterchick @randomrosie01 @mrs-bucky-barnes-73 @emerald-writes @justafangir1 @sibsteria @spencerreidisagorgman @sapphirebarnes @bruher @hawkinsavclub1983 @onlyonetifosi @parisadams @unabashedstarlightcrown @nash-dara @allofffmypeaches @loki-laufeyson68 @behindmygreyeyes @missvelvetsstuff @pigeonmama @lizslibrary @gloriouspurpose01

#marvel #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes #bucky barns x y/n #Through The Years #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x you #marvel fic #Bucky Barnes series #Bucky Barnes angst #bucky barnes x y/n #Bucky Barnes fluff #James Barnes #james barnes x you #Bucky series #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes friends to lovers

[mishsymishy]

Digital circus/Reader

Angst¡¡ Part1-

-

( first ,If there is any language error please tell me, English is not my first language lmao , and I never write angst gonna be honest)

You can take it as platonic or romantic, although it is more romantic

Warnings!!!: A LOT OF ANGUST! , insecurity, bothering others, suicidal thoughts, self-blame, insanity, self-hatred.

You end up abstracted.

—

Ragatha¡

—She will definitely feel like it's her fault, Even if you became distracted by something else unrelated to her or your relationship with her, she will feel that she is guilty and will have a hard time thinking otherwise

—She won't reach the point of also falling into the madness (I hope), After knowing that you are the black thing with eyes, she will try to act as if everything is fine so as not to get more nervous, (failing in the attempt)

—Ponmi really cared about her, I mean, she lost her loved one ,her even saw her in the hallways talking to herself, many times stopping in your room with your photo crossed out.

—Little by little she will improve, although not completely, she will always have a void in her heart or mind, now feeling guilty of anyone who also abstracts

—She misses you too much, she misses her morning talks with you, she misses your voice and your touch.Her didn't sleep digitally because I was thinking about you, And she will spend days thinking about you again

-

Ponmi!

—She already has traumas, losing you would be like a double punch in the stomach. She will never be the same again, even if others try to help her, she is convinced that without you there is no point in even smiling. He feels guilty for not having been with you at that moment, she feels that she failed you at the worst moment.

—When they gave her the news, she already expected it, she didn't see you all day even if you told her yesterday that you were going to meet her to play some strange thing or try to remember things from back

— she wants to cry, but nothing comes out of her eyes ,Her pupils simply dilate every time she thinks about being with you again, you were her support .The reason she hadn't gone crazy yet

— She goes literally crazy, isolates herself from everyone and starts trying to find a way out sooner or even tries to convince herself again that everything is a dream no matter how real it all was, she laughs to herself and starts not even paying attention even Ragatha and no one

—

Jax!

-Firts think it's a joke, that they want to get revenge on him for the jokes using you.Don't believe anyone even if they are panicked or gleeful about abstraction.I mean, you were fine..right? He saw you very well the last time he see you, it doesn't even make sense.

—He stands still when he sees everyone gathered..and you missing, watching as Caine takes the abstraction to the basement, saying your name in a really dramatic sigh.

He don't believe it ,he doesn't want to believe it.

—Feel bad for Ganglee, because now he is going to bother twice as much and with more pain , even taking her mask and breaking it into pieces in front of her face.

He's twice as serious and doesn't even smile that shit-eating smile anymore, not even when someone falls or starts to descend into madness. Just making practical jokes to annoy and get revenge for everything with everyone.

—If someone else abstracts themselves, he will feel proud but also painful, as if it were revenge for taking you away from him (Even if it is not the fault of others, he will think that others are to blame, especially Caine)

—He will secretly cry for your loss, wishing you were there to ask for your forgiveness and he alsowould secretly tell Caine that if he finds a way to fix the abstracted ones, you have to be the first one, And fuck the rest. he doesn't care anymore

—He carries his depressed and angry feelings towards other people, without caring about the consequences, he no longer even cares if he becomes an abstraction, or rather he doesn't even see the bad thing about that

-

Gangle!

—

-God, not even the happy mask can fix it, She will cry and sob every night , every hour, every moment. It's really fucked, because Jax will remind you of you at any second ,And it's not unintentionally.

_- Oh yeah.. s/o can fix it ..oh sorry_- Jax says, watching the mask hide in its ribbons as she runs away from him , crying quietly

—She will hide in her bands or cover her eyes every time someone tries to support her, she will feel bad for not being with you and leave you alone in the basement, although she doesn't know what's going on there , she knows that you probably don't want to be there and you're trapped there with people that you don't want. ( like her )

Thinking about that, she quickly panics, sobbing your name while tightly grabbing her happy mask and accidentally breaking it by crying ,and accidentally putting pressure on her mask. She cries more and runs to her room, again not even wanting to go on missions with the others to distract herself, don't want to see anyone any more. Even if it makes her abstract. She could make company there. They are totally not going to notice her disappearing.. she is no one on the team, no one cares about her like you did.

—

I need to study so I split this in two

Byebye people , don't cry and be happy , yay.

#the amazing digital circus x reader #gangle x reader #caine x reader #the amazing digital circus #tadc #the amazing digital circus ponmi #the amazing digital circus ragatha #ragatha x reader #ponmi x reader #jax x reader #king x reader #jax the amazing digital circus #angst #lovers #friendship

[cononeillbreastingboobily]

Thoughts and feelings about Izzy in s2ep4 and what it means to me as a fellow disabled person:

Yeah, so, that episode, huh?

You know, I already knew going into this new season that Izzy's storyline is going to hit me hard regardless of the exact little plot points it might have, but it's only now, several hours after I've watched eps 4&5 that I'm really starting to digest what his story means to me in it's current shape. This is... a bit long. I also mention a character from a different show - Isaac from Sex Education.

Izzy has always been a bit of a dick, right? That's the reason a lot of people hated him in the first season.

Well, now he is a bit of a dick and disabled. And let me tell you how fucking ecstatic I am about that.

You see, looking for disabled characters in media I consume has rarely been gratifying - if they are there at all, which already is rare, they have very little to do, and if they're even semi-important, they're almost always the epitomes of goodness. Nice, understanding, quiet, patient.

Barely there.

The first time I truly felt something change in this area was with the appearance of Isaac in Netflix's Sex Education. He's sarcastic, funny, talented, honest and mean.

The fandom of that show hated Isaac, let me tell you.

It was mostly because he took direct action to separate the main ship of the show that had many people obsessed. As you'd expect. People's ableism immediately jumped out. As you'd expect.

Because how dare he have his own motivations and wants, and to do what he thinks is right?

Barely there.

And now we have Izzy. Izzy, who also did what he thought was right, which in s1 of the show was trying to separate Ed and Stede. He wasn't trying to make himself too likeable at any point (well. when the crew almost mutinied on him in s1 he did do a last ditch effort but. you remember how well that went).

My point is that now we have someone who isn't particularly nice, and now he's dealing with a sudden loss of ability in his body, which is going to make him even worse. He's angry! Of course he is! He's hobbling around with half a leg gone, humiliated, exhausted, barely recovered from impromptu amputation, no anesthesia. And a suicide attempt! He's angry at himself, his body, at Ed, at Stede, at God if he still believes in one, and who knows who else.

He isn't suddenly going to become nicer to people just because. He doesn't need to be humbled.

(a little sidenote: I do not accept the reasoning that Izzy somehow deserved to lose his leg, that "oh what did he expect riling up Ed when he was heartbroken?" etc. He wasn't expecting to get shot in the fucking leg. Nobody fucking deserves that, and if you think that Ed shooting him in the leg and Izzy subsequently having to have it amputated was an "appropriate punishment" for "what he's done", you're just cruel and wrong. Now scram.)

But that's the point. Disabled people deserve help regardless of whether or not we are nice.

Thankfully (not from Izzy's point of view - his pride was definitely bruised in that moment) the crew saw him struggle, and acted in kind. Because Izzy is their dick. And now - also their unicorn.

And it means so much to me that we get the representation of disabled people who thrash around and rattle the bars of their societal cages, furious at the world that isn't welcoming to us, and receive love and care and an invitation to a loving community regardless.

We shouldn't have to be here just when ableds are ready to give. We aren't meek vessels for your good will. Izzy is such a painfully realistic (as far as the universe of the show permits, given it's unavoidable goofiness) portrayal of the anger of someone who's lost some of their body's past ability, and how one might deal with it.

And I really wanted to say something about that, because I'm afraid it might get lost in the discussion about the more popular and more easily digestible aspects of the show.

#ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands #ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #long post #disability #ableism #disability in media #tw suicide attempt #ofmd meta #ofmd s2 meta

[autisticsupervillain]

My last post about Agent 47 being a Tumblr Icon proved popular, so here's more Tumblr approved 47 facts.

47's wife has technically killed him twice. Both times it was so he could come back to life later and kill his actual target. Diana could walk right into his living room, stab him with a butcher's knife, and he'd just go "well, who are we killing today honey?"

47 once had to get close to his target by disguising himself as a giant flammingo mascot. One of his target's bodyguards, a furry, tries to start a conversation about it. 47 could not end that conversation quick enough.

One time, 47 tried to disguise himself as a realtor to get close to his target. All of his attempts to sell the house to his target involve advice on how to kill someone in those rooms. The target never questions this. Later, both the target and 47 stumble across a month's old crime scene. 47 goes full detective mode and delivers a full paragraph detailing what happened and how the victim died, before remembering he's supposed to be a realtor right now and brushing it off.

One time, in order to get close to a target, 47 got a job interview at a bank. His response to every question involves more or less just flat out admitting that he kills people for a living. They hire him on the spot.

47 has read his universe's version of the Twilight novels. He also killed the author of said Twilight knockoffs, but not before criticizing his writing and complaining about a plot point he didn't like.

47 once infiltrated a secret meeting of international spies, billionaires, and supervillains by walking right past the guards in his regular iconic suit, as everyone took one look at him and assumed he was supposed to be there.

Agent 47 canonically has an aura of death that hangs over him that only psychics can see. When an actually psychic meets him for the first time, he panics and all but pushes 47 out of his establishment.

47's most used alias, Tobias Rieper, as an instagram account. It's filled entirely with travel pictures from places he's visited while killing people.

Agent 47 inexplicably looks identical to one of the most popular fashion models in the world, Helmut Krueger. This doesn't hinder his ability to disguise himself as literally anyone in the world though.

One time, a bunch of nuns in stripper outfits showed up at 47's hotel to blow him the fuck up with a rocket launcher. He was inexplicably completely unharmed by the explosion.

One time, a mad scientist tried to test his mind control device on 47. 47 resisted it so hard that the scientist dropped dead from the psychic backlash.

One of his regular outfits for missions is a clown suit.

47 has a reputation at his agency for killing people in the most ridiculous and over the top ways possible. It got to the point that another assassin tried to imitate 47's style, which backfired so badly that the assassin accidentally killed everyone in the building, including himself, and let the target get away completely unharmed.

47 once manipulated another assassin into killing his targets for him. Unfortunately, said assassin was so bad at his job that 47 had to do everything for him, from adjusting his sniper rifle so he could actually fire it, to getting the targets into his line of sight so the assassin would actually see them.

47 once stopped a depressed person fresh off a bad break up from an abusive relationship from committing suicide by following him around the globe and beating him unconscious every time he tried to kill himself, all without the guy ever actually noticing him. 47 only stopped when the guy decided he must have a guardian angel looking out for him because he keeps falling asleep whenever he considers going through with the deed, deciding he owes that angel an honest attempt to getting his life back on track again.

Agent 47 has a friend in the CIA named Agent Smith, who keeps getting kidnapped and held prisoner at all the locations 47 is doing missions in. 47 keeps having to rescue him because Smith usually has good intel on his targets. Smith considers 47 his best friend, while 47 holds Smith in open contempt.

47 is a millionaire, but he cannot spend any of his money on luxary items due to his life style. His profession means he's constantly moving to new homes and can only live safely in sparce homes with nothing but fast food to tide him over. His suits are his only affordable luxary, as anything more lavish could expose his location and get him arrested or killed. He's a millionaire who has to live like a broke king thanks to his triple digit body count. It's only when Freelancer happens that he finally gets his own home.

47 is a pro at Dance Dance Revolution, but only when he is dressed like a ninja.

And finally, 47 has canonically killed countless fascists, pedophiles, billionaires, and even anti-vaxers who run MLM pyramid schemes. Up to 365 of them and counting, in fact.

#hitman #agent 47 #diana burnwood #tumblr icon

[byebyassociation]

Cahara the Skank (Character analysis)

Tw: The topics of 1500s prostitution, violent rape and suicide ideation

Text version under cut:

Cahara as a protagonist

“Cahara of the South… He originates from the Eastern Sanctuaries. A bastard child left on his own at a very young age. Somehow this poor soul found his way to these dungeons…”

Cahara grew up under unfortunate circumstances, as he was abandoned in Jettiah he had to learn nothing in life came easy or freely

He had three choices to be a pickpocket, burglar, Or lead an honest life

But this choice means little past starting skill/item. No matter what Cahara becomes a mercenary.

“As you grew older you took part in various mercenary armies and learned the dirtiest tricks to stay alive. You were taken in by a notorious veteran highwayman and you joined his little band of criminals and ex-soldiers.”

Instead his first real life choice is if he will stay beside his first real allies or ditch them for his life.

They do not join him in the dungeons if they live

“During one of your many raids, your brigade got ambushed. The odds were seriously against you. You could have just abandoned your comrades and kept you life, or you could have fought to your last breath...”

He didn’t have to take this mission, however his mental narration states as if he does: shoving down fear for the money.

“Something is clearly not right about this mission and you have felt nausea since the the moment you agreed on the job. But you are short on silver and the reward is all that matters in the end.”

Really, he shoved his own feelings down for Celeste

"Celeste, you're still doing this job with the little one on the way and all?!"

Cahara is not opposed to Celeste’s sex work, instead he is opposed to the men who want her due to her pregnancy

"If anything, I feel like there're more gentlemen folks asking for my services these days."

"This isn't right. I don't like it."

"Girl's gotta eat and now I got the little one to feed as well”

"I'm a man. I should take care of you two."

“I’m leaving tomorrow if— no when I get back things will change. You just wait and see!"

He doesn’t tell her what to do, only stating what he himself can do for her

Sadly, he either already had a sense this could be his end or didn’t even let himself think this would be the last time he spoke to or saw Celeste in the flesh

"Just promise you do come back."

He knocked her up in a brothel and contracted syphilis.

“You also get an itch in your groin area...”

Unfortunately a sign of the sorts of people who’d pay for her services without care for her body.

After at least speaking with Celeste he fully made up his mind. He wouldn’t come back without the cash.

“But didn’t he like it?”

Cahara as an NPC

"Oh hey."

"You got me out of here!"

Upon meeting Cahara in the prisons of the dungeons, he is quick to join your party after a short conversation

[You ask him] “What are you doing here?"

[He answers] "Wwell...”

“I do have a mission here, but let's save that story for another day, yeah?"

Regardless of your questioning, he speaks quite anxiously. Stuttering or going silent in an out of character sequence

[You ask him] "Why were you imprisoned here?"

[He answers] "I was caught by one of those malformed prison guards”

“Your conversation took an awkward turn for some reason...”

Prison guards are shown to be sexually violent to those they have access to. Both in their dialogue, their attacks and how defeat by them causes incurable hemorrhaging from sexual injuries.

Cahara does not show signs of this hemorrhaging, however D’arce doesn’t have a concussion either despite nearly having her skull caved in. Both lack status effects for the sake of balance.

When Cahara robs you he has a preference for stealing healing items

This may be his attempt to patch himself up as there is no canon cure for internal bleeding.

[D’arce’s prison dialogue says] "Le'garde... You were supposed to be here…”

When in the prisons most characters bring up your common mission. D’arce, Ragnvaldr and even Enki bring this point up

Cahara breaks this formula

[Cahara’s prison dialogue says] "Tell me... Did the guards ever capture you here?"

He wants to know if he was the only one. He wants to know if there was anything he could’ve done. He’s seeking solidarity. He’s seeking kinship

"Don't let the dungeon have it's way with you. Bye."

"Talk about traumatizing events... Sheesh…”

"This place is starting to get into my head...”

Does this sound like the words of someone unaffected by the dungeons? He is nonchalant but he is not well. In fact that last line is repeated 11 times. He has 18 unique dialogue lines in party talks, none of his dialogue or anyone else’s appears nearly as many times repeatedly.

He’s gone into shutdown, in the upper areas and especially the prisons and areas around it he just cannot hold up. Mentally he cannot juggle his need to keep moving forward and process what happened. 

This leaves his mind to go entirely unfiltered when he is in a space where he can think. Suicide ideation and turning to sex for comfort being his two major callings in this state. Sometimes even mashing together through his willingness to marry a marriage, a very literally dangerous form of sex.

"Hahaha, this is too good"

"Dying down here is most likely the easiest way to go!"

'I'm starting to feel like death would be the easiest option."

“Cahara seems really enthusiastic.”

"Just don't destroy my anus with those big muscles of yours, okay?"

"Ehh, well that's a freaky suggestion, but fine."

#fear and hunger #f&h #cahara #tw sa #tw rap3 #tw abuse #tw prostitution #character study #character analysis #Apologies for taking so long with the text version

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not forgiving a friend-turned-bully?

Last week, a good friend (or ex-friend, I should say) who I’ll call Q (17FTM) confessed to me (17M) that he was the one putting the disgustingly homophobic notes (while we were friends!) in my locker when we were 15. He said he was going through internalized homophobia and severe depression + a mental health break (which seems honest, because a month after the notes stopped he attempted suicide and had to stay in the hospital for a month) and he just wanted to see what I would do, if anything.

He said the guilt had been weighing on him and he just wanted me to know so I didn’t think I had any legitimate bullies/enemies. Apparently it took him two years to get over the fear of losing me as a friend, even though that was the obvious outcome. And apparently that guilt was what drove him to attempt suicide, though I’m not sure I believe him with that because it could be guilt-tripping and I don’t know if I can trust what he says anymore.

Of course I was thrown off by this and said I couldn’t be friends with someone who did that, because I would be very uncomfortable around him. He seemed understanding but disappointed and let it go and I blocked him and we haven’t talked since, he even got the teacher to change his seats in our classes where he sat near me.

My other friend however (18F) thinks I should forgive him because he obviously feels bad about it and is a completely different person now and he was just a mentally ill edgy teenager but that sounds like excuses to me, he knew what he was doing. She said I don’t have to talk to him anymore but I should forgive him and that I shouldn’t have just blocked him and moved on so easily.

I don’t think I can forgive him. Those notes made me think someone was targeting me and made me feel really bad about myself. And he did this all while we were friends and I was supporting his transition. I just don’t know what to think. It’s completely ruined my view of him.

He did seem very regretful and his apology was very heartfelt, but I can’t help but wonder if he was trying to manipulate me or something. I just don’t know what to think of him anymore. I don’t know how much of it is the truth or if it’s just more lies. I feel bad for him and also angry

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[red-riding-wood]

I’m so sorry about what happened to you and so many others. Disgusting misogynistic behavior. You all deserve so much better ):.

Also sending this bc I do believe he has made two new accounts. Drcranessweetestdoe and monsterfromthewoods. I have no proof these are him ,but it just strikes an absurd resemblance to his writing and he seemed to interact with both of them a few weeks ago. The first one hasn’t blogged in weeks either. Just seems strange. Once again though, I could be wrong. Just something for everyone to stay weary about. Stay safe ❤️

Thank you for the well wishes, anon! I really do appreciate you reaching out. <3

From my conversations with @drcranessweetestdoe, she does not behave like Kill (nor does her writing style compare to his), and I am pretty positive he is incapable (or at least very bad) at taking on different personalities since I believe I witnessed his attempt with the second account you mentioned. Aurora is very sweet, and she used to be a fan of Kill's writing and mine. I don't want people to be suspecting her of foul play because I do believe she is genuine. Kill has a pattern of reblogging fics as a way of seeing what victims he can latch onto and I see that as a coincidence with his reblog of Monster's.

As for @monsterfromthewoods... I was hesitant to make a callout, mainly because no one has actual solid proof that he is Kill. But, there is too much evidence for me to ignore, and I wanted to give my honest opinion and observations. Monster, if you are not this person, feel free to reach out and vouch for yourself, and if I am wrong, I am deeply sorry.

Fuck that. As I was typing this message up, I decided to check my DMs and noticed that my friend had said that he gave her the same name that, as of this morning, was revealed to me as his actual name along with his real picture and Facebook profile. That really sealed the deal for me. Here is the rest of my evidence to prove that this is "Kill":

Monster followed my friend around the same time that she blocked Kill.

Monster followed me the same day that I sent Kill a confrontational message, calling him out for his lies and pleading with him one last time for medical treatment and answers.

From the posts on Monster's account, and the one comment I know he made on my friend's post, his personality exactly fits Kill's. This is why I said I do not think he is capable or likely to be able to craft a believable persona.

Monster made a post about suicide, and a pro-Palestine post, the former of which Kill discussed with me a lot and the latter my friend pointed out as suspicious since Kill was also very strongly pro-Palestine. Seeing as Monster doesn't have that many posts yet on his blog, this isn't irrefutable evidence but it is very coincidental.

Lastly, I actually did my best to analyse and compare Kill and Monster's writing, since I had recalled a few things that stuck out to me when I read Kill's writing. Him and Monster share many similarities with their writing habits/consistencies. They are as follows (the examples listed are from 18+ content so please do not view if you are a minor):

Use periods and exclamation marks -- but never commas -- as punctuation to end dialogue tags.

Starter dialogue tag always facing outward. Like: ”So... Tight”

Tend to each use a snapshot style of writing, favouring incomplete sentences with frequent use of periods. Examples: K: "His mind, usually so sharp. Focused and organized like the most expensive machines. A killing machine, that worked in perpetual motion, living off killing, adrenaline used like a drug." M: "Your dear, understanding doctor. Doctor Jonathan Crane, who laughed out loud suddenly a couple moments ago. The dark colour covering his exotic looking eyes as he revealed his real nature to you."

Similarly, they both tend to avoid using possessive pronouns and determiners. Examples: K: "_ Pale, little pussy peaked from between her thighs." M: "The scars covering _ man's pale skin," _ = absence of "her, that, the," etc.

Often use adverbs after verbs in a way that feels out of place.

Capitalise after ellipses, always.

"Y/n" always has a lowercase "n".

Sometimes use three ellipses, often use only two.

Use "pants" but never "trousers".

Yeah, so, I may have spent way too much time on this. And I think most of this is redundant, now, especially after the name revelation, but still, I put work into it and didn't want it to go to complete waste lmao. I also had no idea until I was tagged today that apparently there are programs that do this sort of thing for you. Oops.

#asks #mrkdvidal1989 #worst con man I've ever seen

[justintaco]

I've been up for almost 24 hours so

superheavy Lonetrail Muelsyse spoilers

Besides the like, uncountable amount of stuff that blew me away in Lonetrail,

linking together Mansfield Break and Dorothy's Vision with Vigilo and Walk in the Dust

creating thematic parallels with Near Light at the end,

what really blew me away was Muelsyse.

Anyone who's followed this blog for a long time knows I'm not big on shipping and I'm semi-public with my opinion that most times shipping brain completely poisons someone's ability to actually engage with a narrative. But honest to god, even to me, they seemed to be almost writing a romance with Doctor and Mumu.

Blink twice if you don't think I'm crazy.

like any gacha you have a lot of flirty lines between the player character and a million of the girls (and guys), but like, this seemed unusually genuine and romantic?

(x)

Like besides them sharing a dance and all their cute little scenes, they seemed to be creating a genuine parallel in their backstories and who they are as people here

Mumu discovers she isn't actually the last of her race but realizes that she has so little in common with them she cannot form any meaningful connection or even find a shared language with them. Her integration into human society is like, almost all just an act of survival by her own admission, she doesn't feel any belonging there either. In fact, most of the time her real body is hiding in her vivarium because the physical world itself is becoming so poisoned by originium that it's dangerous to leave using anything but a clone. Even in her flashback with Saria and Kristen, she seems to be the third wheel.

She is by every possible metric, completely alone. And it seems like her chronic teehee backstabbing is a coping mechanism to feeling completely alienated from even her closest friends and what becomes her second family with the Rhine Lab directors. Even that dysfunctional and over idealized family is gone now too. She even says the following after she betrays Doctor for one last ditch effort to throw in her lot with Kristen and maybe find somewhere out in the stars she can belong:

Compare that with the Doctor, who in this event witnesses what seems to be the death of the last member of their race. In fact, the dialogue implies that Doctor feels an incredible amount of anguish even just pulling the plug on Trevor since it's not so quick a death. Directly after this event, after escaping the big silo bunker thing, Doctor's first thought is to go seek out Mumu rather than regroup with everyone from RI (including Saria who just reentered the atmosphere Halo 3 style). It feels like a response to an epiphany.

Earlier, Doctor had managed to actually get her to tell the truth about herself during their dance. How isolated she feels without any past or family, just like Doctor. So they go directly to her, fresh off of losing the last connection to their past life besides Kal'tsit (who is implied to not only be unwilling but in some way unable to share more info with Doctor).

You then get what is this, extremely deeply intimate conversation between Doctor and Muelsyse, commiserating over their shared loneliness.

She tries to play things off with her usual shtick but pretty quickly she admits that saving those random Control goons on the ship was her failed attempt at suicide because Saria had well and truly kicked her out of the triumvirate to confront Kristen alone.

After that she begins connecting with Doctor on a deeper level than any character I can really recall. As much as I love the ex wife Kal'tsit stuff, they really don't seem to have a romantic attachment. A very very close and intimately trusting one, maybe a past romance, but never romantic with Doctor as they exist in the present since waking up. Doctor views other characters like Amiya, Ifrit, and Rosmontis as children to be protected. But this here is these two really baring their souls and it's just crazy to see in a gacha game where the format discourages stuff like this.

Just, man I love this whole conversation. They've both just learned recently that they can't shed their loneliness with what's left of their races. Muelsyse is totally at the end of her rope, but Doctor has just learned that the only thing they can do is fully commit to the people they know in the present. So despite Mumu's one final attempt to put a barrier up between her and another person, a literal physical barrier of water

Doctor walks right into the barrier and literally reaches out to her to help save her with what they just learned that same day

Muelsyse refers to the parts not in blue here (blue usually being the only confirmed dialogue Doctor says out loud in any given cutscene) when she talks to Nasti later. That means the Doctor said all of this out loud.

Again, am I crazy or does this feel like the most romantic Doctor has ever been with another character?

A lot of himejoshis on Twitter have been mad about the event and what it means for Mumu x Ho'ohleyak, Mumu x Saria, or Muelsyse x her OT3 with Saria and Kristen, and honestly

they might have a point

#needed to get this out or I'll never be able to sleep #please try to keep replies spoiler free if you do #Arknights #Muelsyse

[romeulusroy]

Dependence Pt. 4 (Roy!Sibling x Roy Family)

((SUCCESSION SPOILERS))

Character/s: Connor, Kendall, Shiv, Roman, Logan

Word Count: 2,538

Warning: addiction, drugs, alcohol, death, grief

Inspired By: I Bet On Losing Dogs by Mitski

Tag: @locke-writes

A/N: This was one of the best and one of the most heartbreaking episodes I've ever seen. That being said, omfg. All I could think of was Baby Roy. My heart broke for Roman. It was beautiful and an honest portrayal of grief, but I was not ready at all. I wasn't planning on writing anymore parts, but I just couldn't help myself. This episode was too good to leave it be. I'm really happy with how it turned out! this has been my favorite series to write, Baby Roy is so fun to write and it makes me so happy to know you guys like it too!!! Thank you!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

Dependence Pt. 1 / Dependence Pt. 2 / Dependence Pt. 3 / Dependence Pt. 5

Being The Youngest Roy Would Include Pt One.

Being The Youngest Roy Would Include Pt. Two

You can still taste the whiskey in the back of your throat. It’s a familiar burning. It’s something you shouldn’t welcome with open arms, but when have you ever turned away from a love that could kill you? When have you been shown any other kind of affection? Their hugs always came with a stab in the back, right between your vertebrae. They were always intentional with their strokes, never wanting to waste a moment, a movement. What you wouldn’t give for a drink right now. Salted rim. Ice. Something bright, something colorful, something to make this all go away. You were so close last time, tip toeing on the edge. Where he fell, you flew, dragged back by the skin of your teeth. You didn’t want to be saved, you wanted to be free. The memories are hazy, but your throat was scratchy, voice patchy, as if you’d been screaming. As if you’d been begging. No one explained, though you had a feeling they all heard. They looked at you differently now. You knew what they said behind your back, your fathers old posse, what they thought of you. Suicidal. Maybe. What did they care about? Now you started what could have been. The casket, the rows and rows of nameless faces, most never shedding a tear over your old man, over you. The violins, the church, the halo effect the light gives as if anyone in this room were remotely holy. You hadn’t had anything since the incident, nothing to drink, nothing to use, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t still feel it, want it. After the charcoal, the sick, after that, it seemed like you could never get rid of that boozy taste in your mouth. Faint, but there. Mocking you, your sobriety. What your father would have said to you after the incident plays on loop in your mind. That if you wanted to cry he would give you something to cry about, if you wanted to die he would give you something to die about.

Too late, you think, you beat me to it. 

Your mother sat beside Caroline and Kerry, making the ever rare appearance in the world to grieve her ex-spouse. She hugged you as she came in, doing the same with your brothers and sister, reminding you this wasn’t the kind of event that came with an open bar. You smiled, unsure of what else to do, unsure of what to say, struck as if you’d been slapped across the face. She wasn’t there. She didn’t see you, in that bed, in that condition. You hadn’t even attempted to call her in that haze, you’d gone to your dead father instead. You knew. You knew even as you lay dying that she would not offer the comforts you so desperately wanted. She would not let you go in peace. Someone must’ve filled her in, though by the look in her eye you’d never know it. She was as jaded and hostile as ever. She seemed satisfied with herself, her quip, moving on to your sister and her big news. Your eyes stung. Someone put their hand on your shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Connor or Kendall. You never found out who. Suddenly you were drained. Of life, of everything, wanting to lay down on the pew and sleep forever. You let your siblings talk. You let them wander off to their prospective parties, sticking by Connor like a little kid, becoming his shadow. Since that night he hasn’t let you out of his sight. He takes care of you. He makes sure you’re doing okay. The others call, checking in more than they ever have, all of them feeling guilty. You didn’t mean to. You didn’t mean to make such a mess. You were just so angry, so alone. You were tired of fighting this thing inside of you that could not be controlled, that threatened to burn you alive. 

Time passes strangely. There are gaps in between. You don’t remember sitting down or watching them carry him in, only that he rests in the aisle and you cannot stop yourself from holding your breath. You can’t take your eyes off the casket. He’s really in there, you think, he’s really gone. Part of you still thinks this is all one massive trick. That he’s going to pop up and laugh, making a fool out of all of you. You wait, but he does not stir. Despite their best efforts, Ewan takes his place at the podium. He talks of his brother and sister, Rose. Of Logan's life before you, before the money. You’d never heard any of this before. Your fathers life was a series of scattered bits of information and assumptions to fill in the gaps. You only had a handful of real facts about him, ones that weren’t superficial like his age and birthday. The realization seeps into your skin: you never even knew him. You watch the same thought in your siblings' expressions. The quiver of Roman’s bottom lip. The glazed over look in Kendall's eyes. Even Connor, your oldest brother, the one who knew him the longest, stared forward as if he were desperate to breathe and Ewans words were the only oxygen in the room. All of you hopeless without him, without this story, as if you were hearing about him for the first time. The man you wanted to be loved by so frantically was nothing but a stranger. He kept all of you at arms length, not wanting to get hurt again. Now here you were, hurting, missing out on a father, a real father, because of his fears. You dug your nails into your palms, wanting to scream. 

You watched him crumble before you. He’d been so confident, so manic, you should have known. You should have known all that pre-grieving was masochistic bullshit. His words catch in his throat, his hands shuffle his cards around, until finally he needs to step down, the tears glistening in his eyes. All of you reflectively stand, meeting him at the bottom of the stairs. He is sobbing now, trying to keep it all in. Is he in there? He asks. Can we get him out? Connor steps in front of you, taking his little brother by the arm, as if he doesn’t want you to see this, as if he can protect you from their pains, their sorrows. Roman holds his hands in front of his face, shielding himself from the fury of a ghost. Through your siblings, you grab his cards from his shaking hand. I can do it, you say, catching their eyes. Even Roman, his puppy dog eyes wide and scared and sad, are surprised. I got this. You sound more confident than you feel. None object, though you watch Ken and Shiv share an argument with just their eyes. You smile at Roman, assuring him it’s okay. You have to be there for them, too. You have to be there for them like they’ve been for you. Your tiny crowd dissipates, all of them sitting around him. You take your place at the podium. There is such a huge turnout you can’t see everyone's faces, though you have a feeling you know what they’re thinking. Frank leans over, whispers something to Gerri. You clear your throat, looking over what your brother has written. Fuck. Clutching the cards, you think quickly. The silence hangs in the air thick. I didn’t know my father, you start. Not well, at least. He wasn’t, uh, he wasn’t an easy man to get to know. Some chuckle. He spent most of his time at work, with all of you. Even as a little kid, I thought that’s where Dad lived, in the office. I had no idea uh, I had no idea they lived at home with their family. More laughter. You cannot look at anyone else but your siblings. They nod at you, encouraging you to go on. Someone got Roman water. You offer a sympathetic smile at him, knowing this will haunt him. Tears are welling up in your eyes as you speak, laughter catching in your throat. I, uh, I still can’t believe it, you know? You swallow a sob. I keep thinking that he’s going to come out of nowhere, that this was just some joke he’s playing on us. That we’ll hear his laugh out of nowhere and he’ll be back. It’s not though, it can’t be. It's too real now. Your hands begin to shake, the concerned faces of your brothers and sister blurred by tears. You catch your mother wiping her dry face with a tissue. Kendall inches forward, ready to come to your rescue. I didn’t know him well, but I miss him every single day. I miss the way he used to yell and that disappointed look he gave when we messed up. I miss his condescending tone and the way he danced around an apology. I miss him. We all do. He wasn’t uh, he wasn’t an easy man to love, but who is? 

Connor takes your hand in his, giving it three squeezes. Kendall went up, then Shiv. you can’t hear their words, you can only watch them try to keep themselves together. They share stories of your father, from a childhood before you. You liked hearing about it, as sad as it may be. You were grateful they had each other, that they didn’t grow up so alone. Your head rests on Rome’s shoulder, his sniffling quiet, cautious, as if your father could hear him. On the other side of the church, your mother sobs loudly. The rest of Logan's wives and girlfriends come to her rescue, comforting her, despite not a single tear being shed. You roll your eyes, wishing the day over as fast as possible. You keep close behind Connor and Willa, who are thanking the sea of nameless faces for coming. People you’ve never seen before, people you’ve seen in passing, in Christmas cards, others you have the terrible feeling that they came only to check that the old man was, in fact, truly dead. You take the car with them all the way to the graveyard where his mausoleum stands tall and daunting. Crisp, harsh lines draw you into where he hoped you would all be buried alongside him. If they hadn’t brought you back, if they hadn’t found you when they did, would you be in there now? Would you have taken the first available slot, destined to share eternity with a man who fucking hated you? A shudder goes through your body. Shiv mistakes it for grief, holding your arm. It is cold and sterile, the very place you would have expected him to be. The ground, the bugs, that’s too dirty. Too much. He never would have been cremated either. He didn’t want to rot, you think, as if this place could prevent that. Roman stands near the doorway, not wanting to go in. You wait beside him, not saying a word. Too much empathy, too much compassion, and you’ll drive him away. No, he just needs his time. You watch Connor place his hand on the places in the wall, as if he has already claimed it on his own. You drop your gaze, trying to stop the thoughts from coming. What if, one day, you’re the only one left? What then? How will you go on without them, all of them? Tears fall silently down your cheeks. You couldn’t do it without them. They were your mother and fathers, they raised you, they saved you. Without them, without them you would be nothing. You never would have made it this far, seen this many years. Despite their faults, despite everything, you owed your life to them. You always would. 

Your brother disappears before you can stop him, shutting himself into isolation, into the car. None of you move, none of you get up to get him, your eyes all transfixed on what’s being done before you. Settled into his final resting place. All that anger, all that rage, where does it go? Does it come back to you? Does it belong to you now? You haven’t been angry since that night, not like how it was, your rage replaced with gratitude. You weren’t happy to be back, to be here, but it was better than the alternative. If they’d had to bury you too, you’re not sure what they would have done. Before you thought your absence meant nothing. That they’d known how to function in a world without you before, they could do it again. The way they looked at you when you woke up, when you cried, you realized just how much you’d put them through, how they seemed to age decades under those fluorescent lights. You apologized profusely, but they wouldn’t hear it. They blamed themselves, all of them. You didn’t want to be here. You didn’t want to be tied back to this life, this meaningless existence, but you couldn’t let yourself hurt them anymore.

The reception is crowded, everyone sharing their condolences. Kendall gets you a water before disappearing to talk to Mencken, Roman following obediently. He makes sure you’re okay on your own, that it’ll only be a minute. You assure him you’ll be alright, really. How he would have hated this, you smile. All these people pretending to have known him, sympathizing with his children. As far as he was concerned you deserved nothing. You deserved less than nothing. You wade through the room. They’re off, doing their own things, trying each and every one of them to one day take over. You never wanted that, you never thought it was your rightful place. You know what you want and it doesn’t involve this. It doesn’t involve schmoozing, it doesn’t involve high stakes and high stress. What wouldn't save your family from this, but it’s too late. It always was. They were pitted against one another before you were even born. You sip your water, forever wishing it were something stronger. The impulse is still there. It always has been, always will be. It didn’t leave just because he did. It didn’t escape you just because he did. It sits in the middle of your chest and it is bitter for being ignored. You did it once, a whole year, you can do it again. You will do it again. If not for yourself, if never for yourself, then for them. For Connor, for Kendall, for Siobhan, for Roman. For the people who have always loved you, always will. Logan is dead. He will be. He didn’t care then and he won’t care now, but they will. It’s up to you to do better, be better, stay sober. It's not easy, it never has been, it never will be. But don’t they deserve that? Don’t each of them deserve that from you? You watch them, each of them, laugh and roll their eyes and try to find their way in this world without him. If they can do it, if they can find a reason to show up, to be there, so can you. Right?

#writing #series #connor roy #connor roy imagine #connor roy x reader #kendall roy #kendall roy imagine #kendall roy x reader #shiv roy #shiv roy imagine #shiv roy x reader #roman roy #roman roy imagine #roman roy x reader #logan roy #logan roy imagine #logan roy x reader #succession #succession imagine #succession x reader #succession spoilers #succession season 4 spoilers #succession 4x09

[merp-blerp]

A Gaylor interpretation of "The Prophecy" because if Taylor never sleeps why should I?

TW: I tried to keep it mostly light, but ended up veering into brief talk of self-destructive behavior and suicide near the end.

Overblown Analysis Under the Cut ↓

"Hand on the throttle / Thought I caught lightning in a bottle / Oh, but it's gone again"

I think this song is about failed coming outs and closeting. Of course, many in this community know of the Lover failed coming out, but God only knows if that was really the only attempt. I think she tried to at least subtly come out several times. But during Lover, she and many others thought she would finally make it out of the closet, a once-in-a-lifetime chance, fully ready to go and take control, but plans were foiled. If it wasn't the first or last attempt, the chance was gone again.

"And it was written / I got cursed like Eve got bitten / Oh, was it punishment?"

Taylor begins to question if her coming out plan(s?) fell short because she's cursed for being who she is. Was she cursed like Eve was for biting the forbidden fruit? Eve in some interpretations of Christianity is often seen as the blame for all the world's sins, with Mother Mary being seen as God's Eve "do-over", since Mary stayed obedient to God's wishes. Sometimes Eve is even depicted as tempting or tricking Adam into eating the fruit, it being her fault he fell, rather than his own choices ruining him. Whether or not Eve is actually to blame could be debated forever, not unlike how Christians debate similarly about whether the bible is okay with queerness or not. Taylor wonders if never being seen as who she is by the general public is a punishment for her simply being. Interestingly, Taylor changes Eve's story, saying Eve was bitten, rather than the biter, possibly by the serpent/Devil in the garden gate of Eden. Being bitten by a snake actually reminds me more of Cleopatra more than Eve, but I'll elaborate more on that later.

"Pad around when I get home / I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope / A greater woman wouldn't beg / But I looked to the sky and said / Please / I've been on my knees / Change the prophecy / Don't want money / Just someone who wants my company / Let it once be me / Who do I have to speak to / About if they can redo the prophecy?"

Somewhat self-explanatory. Taylor anxiously paces as she asks God if her fate can change. If she can just get free. She doesn't want the money that comes from the beardings and closeting any longer. She just wants to be seen for who she is. She wants someone who wants the real Taylor's company, not the showmanship Taylor. She wonders what God or entity she has to ask to be freed from the cage.

"Cards on the table / Mine play out like fools in a fable"

Taylor has used card games as imagery before, usually in situations where she feels like someone isn't being honest with her, playing her. Most significantly for this reading, in "Foolish One" she speaks about how her cards were on the table, or that she was being open and vulnerable, while that song's muse wasn't showing theirs, as they weren't being clear, leading her on. In this situation, Taylor is once again laying all her cards out for the world to see, but it's foolish because the world never sees it, whether it's from not knowing how to or not wanting to. Fables are very similar to folklore or folktales, characterized as short, clear, fictional stories, often featuring animals. Taylor is saying that while her cards are clear, her stories must be told through vague, or "fool" characters that distance her from them, fictionalized. Both Gaylors and general Swifties seem to currently agree that her album Folklore has truth in it and isn't fully fictionalized, but exactly how much is fiction, and who represents who seems to be where opinions differ. And then there's a lot of infighting between the sides of the fandoms, so Taylor stays mostly unseen and caged.

"Oh, it was sinking in (Sinking in, oh) / Slow is the quicksand / Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand / Oh, still I dream of him"

The feeling that she'll never be free sinks in, slowly over time, like sinking into quicksand is slow, or poison through your body from a small prick. She dreams of someone. One way to look at this is that she's dreaming of someone she loves, the muse of this album. I, however, for now at least, get this feeling that the dream is actually more of a nightmare. I mentioned in my makeshift theory on "The Manuscript" that I believed "The Professor/He" was a personification of the music industry or an industry boss. Taylor's said before that she's had nightmares about the crummier aspects of the industry, like unwanted photos and videos of herself. Maybe she still does (as a slight sidenote, I feel like this could be connected to Kissgate, as that was filmed without her wishes, and arguably when the closeting and bearding amped up heavily). She even mentions nightmares in "Cassandra".

"And I sound like an infant / Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen / A greater woman stays cool / But I howl like a wolf at the moon / And I look unstable / Gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table / A greater woman has faith / But even statues crumble if they're made to wait"

The ink pen feels like Taylor's saying that she's slowly burning out, down to the last drop in her, tired of writing letters addressed to the fire and sending signals, as she runs out of ways to say her truth just for it to fall upon deaf ears. A more stable woman wouldn't show her pain, but she's so loud about her truth like a wolf, yet soundless. She gets more desperate like a helpless child as she continues to wait, still grappling with the guilt that can come from being queer and a Christian at the same time, like she's a witch with a coven. She knows she's supposed to keep her faith by staying in the unseen shade of the closet, after all, "There's no such thing as bad thoughts / Only your actions talk (from "Guilty as Sin?")". But waiting to be free for however long is taking its toll. At the Spotify TTPD pop-up library, Taylor featured what's seemingly a bust of Artemis/Diana, the Greek/Roman goddess of the, most significant to Taylor, archery. (Yes, the name Diana is very curious for Gaylors, but—unpopular opinion—maybe—I don't think it actually means too much to the song itself) After hearing about an Artemis statue being destroyed in regards to that symbolism, when digging, I found a few stories about Artemis/Diana's statues or temples being destroyed, whether it's half of Diana of the Tower burning and the other half being lost or the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus being the victim of arson in 4th century BCE. Just like Artemis/Diana, Taylor gets destroyed unexpectedly. (I've also heard of an Artemis/Diana statue that was destroyed by time, but I can't find a source for that story that doesn't connect to the Taylor pop-up).

"I'm so afraid I sealed my fate / No sign of soulmates / I'm just a paperweight in shades of greige / Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay"

Taylor fears that her fate to never be seen is her fault, as she willingly participated in the closeting and beardings, so she's cursed to stay that way forever, never getting to mingle with other queers as one of them, like a soulmate, but an "ally", as she's too big to hang out with them. In slang, a paperweight is a useless object; Taylor probably knows that her coming out could mean a lot for queer people and the movement, but since she hasn't been able to come out, at least not in a way that is universally recognized, she feels useless compared to what she could be. Greige is a combo of grey and beige, much like the sepia aesthetic of this album. It's almost colorless, as she is forced to be grey rather than a rainbow with all of the colors due to closeting. The use of sepia or greige could symbolize that this album still has a thin coat of bearding and closeting attached to it, even though it could also be seen as a big step into the daylight. She tried to see daylight times before, "but the woman who sits by the window has turned out the light" (from "Peter"), at least for now. After her "postmortem", Taylor spends what I interpret as an obol, a coin a shade, or ghost, given to them before burial, that's paid to Charon, the underworld ferryman in Greek mythology; the fee would let a shade cross the river Styx to get to Hades. But Taylor pays only in the hopes of being comforted by someone after her "death". To be told that everything will be okay after the grey fallout. An obol would be the last thing a person would own from their time on earth, so it's her last coin. Taylor being a shade could call back to lyrics like, "Shade never made anybody less gay", in "YNTCD", having the double meaning of shade as in vitriol and the dark shade of the closet, and "Sit quiet by my side in the shade" in "Paris", where her private lover quietly sits in the closet with her. In "The Archer", Taylor mentions "And all of my heroes die all alone", interpretively due to them being queer and not getting to have a privileged life in that sense. Maybe in the afterlife, Taylor hopes to find and be comforted by one of these heroes.

I mentioned Cleopatra earlier, and while as far as I know Cleopatra wasn't queer, she is treated similarly to Eve, often blamed for the temptation of men; Cleopatra allegedly self-inflicted a snake bite to end her life, like how Taylor's Eve was bitten. Taylor has similarly been treated like Eve and Cleopatra, seen as "going through men like potato chips (a real fucking quote I found while researching for this post)" whether that's the exact case or not. Taylor's also illuded to self-inflicting harmful actions that could kill her in several songs, like "Hoax", and including on TTPD: "Love left me like this and I don't want to exist" from "Florida!!!" Even quicksand and poison mentioned in this song are ways to die. Whatever the reason behind these lines might be, I hate that she may feel that way and I worry that it's a somewhat ignored aspect of her music, brushed off as dramatic. It makes the asylum theme of TTPD much more tragic. I wish nothing but the best for Taylor. 🤍

I make a part 2 part to this

#tinkered with this instead of sleeping hope you like it ✌️ #i love this album it's ruining my life #taylor swift #the tortured poets department #the prophecy #gaylor #gaylor swift #friend of dorothea #lgbetty #gaylor theory #song analysis

[redfurrycat]

🤠🐮🐓A Rooster in Texas Fic Recs🐓🐮🤠& 🤠🐂🐓Texan Jake "Hangman" Seresin (Vol. I) Fic Recs🐓🐂🤠

Check the Top Gun Masterlist post for the latest updated version. 💕

Ao3 Authors: Bahjrc, Bimmyou, Boobooblue, Bottledyarn, Cacorra, Dandeliondick, Electricghosts, Fuddlewuddle, Haaaveyoumetted, Hangmanbradshaw, Happy_Days19, Heartsickhills, Imafriendlydalek, LadyLanera, Lesbiseresin, Lightwoodsisabelle, Lucky, MadeItUp, Multifandommonster, MyDadsAnts, Nightwrite24, Perishablealex, PleaseHellMe, Ravens_Words, Reanimated, ReformedTsundere, Renai_chan, Roo_mantic, Spiritsontheroof, Teacupivy, The_Splendid_Wren, Viridimessorem, Writerofthelorde, Xo_em.

> Texan Jake "Hangman" Seresin (Vol. II)

When you're ready by The_Splendid_Wren {_}

After the suicide-mission-that-wasn't the pilots of TOP GUN go their separate ways to enjoy a much earned week of leave. Rooster is set to spend his time with Maverick in an attempt to rekindle their familial relationship but it gets complicated when unresolved trauma from nearly dying keeps him from truly opening up. With a host of other issues like his unknown next assignment and his feelings for a rival paralyzing him, he truly has no idea how he ends up at the Seresin ranch house in Austin, Texas with the object of his desires right in front of him. Or, Rooster is suffering PTSD and his friends and family try to help him. Whether that's getting therapy or confessing his very deeply buried feelings remains to be seen.

seresin ranch by lightwoodsisabelle

i've been afraid of changin' (cause i've built my life around you) {_}

if you want, family ranch has an extra bedroom and mama seresin is always looking for more mouths to feed.  how long can i stay?  Between the rush of packing, saying goodbye to Mav and his girls, and pointedly ignoring the messages in his group chat with Tasha and Bob, there wasn’t much time to reflect on the fact that he was actually going to to stay with Hangman and his family for two weeks in the Middle of Nowhere, Texas (or: a post-mission trip to the seresin ranch with two emotionally stunted pilots)

cowboy take me away (closer to you) {G}

Bradley’s eyes flickered up towards the Stetson briefly. Jake’s lazy smile returned, mischief bright in his eyes. “Is it my hat that’s turning you on, Bradshaw?” (the one where bradley realizes how attracted he is to jake working on a ranch)

(don't be a bitch) come take it to the floor now {G}

It’d been months since they were last in Texas but Jake’s movements were still just as sharp, if not sharper, than the dancers on the floor. After a childhood spent practicing the moves, the intricate steps and claps were second nature to him. Everything from his posture, his lazy smile, and the winks he kept sending to Bradley screamed arrogance. And God, if that wasn’t the hottest thing to Bradley.

you've got my heart stumbling by lightwoodsisabelle {G}

Bradshaw looked up, big brown eyes meeting Jake’s from across the room. A series of emotions played across his face before he settled on bemused, shooting him a short wave. With a scowl, Jake turned back to his laptop. He had bigger things to do than worry about Bradley Bradshaw. Bradshaw looked up, big brown eyes meeting Jake’s from across the room. A series of emotions played across his face before he settled on bemused, shooting him a short wave. With a scowl, Jake turned back to his laptop. He had bigger things to do than worry about Bradley Bradshaw. (the political campaign au no one asked for)

Field Day by xo_em {T}

“Where are you taking me?” Bradley exclaims as Jake pulls him along by the hand. “You said you wanted to do Texas things,” Jake laughs. “So I’m showing you a Texas thing.”

Haven't you herd, I rather love you by Fuddlewuddle {M}

Bradley knows Jake loves him, he just never expected the man to arrange a herd of cows into the shape of a heart for him. Being honest, he probably should've done.

wish I knew how to hold you by Ravens_Words {T}

Bradley bullies Jake's flight information out of Javy, and it's much easier than he thought it would be. Probably because he doesn't want his best friend to be alone. "Bradshaw," Javy says before he hangs up, "you- I know he doesn't make it easy, but take care of him, will you?" He hesitates, takes a deep breath, "sure." For the first time, he wonders if he made a mistake, bit off more than he can chew. Jake goes back home, Bradley goes with him. It goes about as well as one can expect.

I Won't Stop Running by ReformedTsundere {M}

"What? You said you were heading somewhere, didn't wanna give me the exact location, so sure, I've got a shotgun with no passenger and snacks that'll get us from here to Texas." When Bradley continues to stand there, with no response other than a widening of his eyes and slackening of his jaw, Jake takes two steps forward, close but not crowding into Bradley's space. "So, what'da say Bradshaw? Wanna come see the lone star state with me?" It strikes Bradley like he's been doused with a bucket of water, that Jake is serious.

Giddy Up by cacorra, perishablealex {T}

Jake smirks, not even flinching at the bite of the tequila and turns toward the group. He raises his second shot to the middle, waiting for the rest of the group to follow. They all clink their shot glasses together as Jake says, “Drink up, cowboys.” And so the night begins.

Accidentally on purpose by Writerofthelorde {T}

Bradley and Jake go to Texas to meet Jake's family and break it to him that he's moving in with Bradley in San Diego. They try to hide their relationship at first, wanting to know if they like Bradley before breaking it to them that they're dating. Thankfully the Seresin ranch is full of places where they can make out in secret. Unless someone turns the corner...! Especially his homophobic older brother...

Plus One by dandeliondick {E}

“Hangman?” He took a deep breath while Bradley waited, “I was watching you cry at my sister’s wedding while holding my hand and I think it broke me. I was sitting there thinking about how close I came to sitting here alone and mourning and how close I am to having you right where I want you.” Bradley’s breath hitched before he smiled, “Jake, for once I’m waiting for you to catch up.” - Coyote can't come to Texas for Jake's little sister's wedding, but who comes to save the day? Rooster, obviously. Can a few days of close quarters, meddling family members, and two idiots being unbelievably hot in suits make these two idiots figure it out?

like shooting stars by bottledyarn {T}  

“Well," the gate agent said. "Only uniformed military members and their spouses can board priority, but—” “That works out,” Bradshaw said, his voice tinny and distant in Jake's ringing ears. “Because this is my fiancé.” If Jake hadn’t been able to choke down a piece of toast this morning, he thought he might be light-headed enough to just pass out right then and there. -- Jake is trying to fly home for Thanksgiving and not have a panic attack on the airplane. Bradley is trying to skip town and spend the holiday in a mountain cabin to distract from another Thanksgiving alone. Between the two of them, they might both get where they need to go.

Take Him Off Your Hands by electricghosts {T}

Bradley got orders to Texas while his friends were stationed on the other side of the world. He also never wanted to speak to Maverick again; he was completely and utterly alone. After four long months of moping around and feeling sorry for himself, he finally goes out to have a beer and is greeted by a group of partiers with funny nicknames. One in particular sticks out; an overconfident blonde in a ten-gallon hat by the name of Hangman. Liquid courage and channeling his late father’s charm might just be the key for Bradley to land himself a cowboy.

Fire in the Blood and Smoke in the Air by MadeItUp {M}

feels good to know one thing

Jake doesn’t have the best relationship with his family, so when he’s summoned home for a special occasion, he calls up the one person he can trust to stick with him – after all, Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw has never ever lost a wingman. But he’s about to find out that getting shot down in enemy territory to save Mav was a whole lot easier than surviving a long weekend chez Seresin. “So it’s a big family thing?” Jake says carefully. “Everyone bringing their partners?” “Well of course, Charlie’s promised to bring the kids and I’ve not even met Matty’s new girlfriend—” “So that means I can bring someone?” Silence on the line. His mom is no fool. She knows when she’s been played. “Of course, Jakey,” she says. “You’re welcome to bring anyone you like.”

Shining Star (Like A Little Diamond) by boobooblue {G}

"Weatherman said there might be a meteor shower yesterday, didn't think it would actually happen." Jake smiles, breathless. "Better late than never, I guess." "I don't think I've seen one since I was twelve," Bradley admits, just as in awe. "Really?" He turns to face Bradley briefly, wiggling his eyebrows. "Any wishes you've been waiting to make?"

Never felt like this before, take my name and make it yours. by haaaveyoumetted {M}

“Glad I don’t have to think of ways to keep your dad from having me dishonorably discharged and putting me six feet under for not wanting to date his daughter.” Claire smiled and shook her head fondly. “He means well, and I can’t say he has bad taste in men” she said as her eyes traveled up and down Bradley’s body playfully. “But he really isn't equipped with the skills to read people as well as he should be able to.” “Oh? What is it that he’s not seeing that you can?” Bradley asked, genuinely curious and engaged in the conversation now that he wasn’t worried about offending Claire with his disinterest in pursuing her romantically. “Well, for starters, if he was as observant as he likes to think he is, he wouldn’t have wasted his time trying to set you up with me. He would have thought about personally introducing you to Daniel... and then If he was really paying attention he would have realized he should be trying to set you up with Jake right now.” Claire replied far too casually for someone that just turned his entire world upside-down. “It’s clear he respects you and would welcome you into the family, he’s just going about it the completely wrong way. Obviously.”

in your shirt (that I got you) by multifandommonster {T}

The shirt itself is nothing too remarkable– a Gildan fabric, white all around save the barbeque sauce stain on the bottom hem. Over the chest is an off-center logo, the cartoon design of a cowboy digging into an overflowing plate. In big, blocky red letters, it reads: I Ate It All! The 72 oz Steak Challenge The Big Texan, Amarillo, TX

I Could Use a Texas Man by reanimated

Can't Fight the Moonlight {M}

What on god's green earth is Rooster thinking when he agrees to tag along for a break in Texas? He's the only one without a connection to the state. And the others have big ideas to turn this into a road trip. Two weeks. Two weeks to take on Fort Worth, to the Gulf Coast and back again...two weeks to meet new people, join in some family drama, and learn a lot more about his travel partners and colleagues than in the entirety of the last decade. And maybe be known in the process. Especially a version of Hangman he never knew existed. A few versions, in fact.

To Save a Horse by Renai_chan {E}

Jake and Bradley spend some time in Texas on the Seresin farm with Elise. They find a bit of time in the afternoon for themselves and enjoy… erm, the outdoors together.

all at once, everything looks different (now that I see you) by MyDadsAnts {T}

Jake convinces Bradley to fly to Texas with him to meet Jake's family, the Seresin's. Bradley can't help feeling nervous but is pleasantly surprised when he actually gets there. Jake's been acting strange ever since they landed, what could be happening behind the scenes?

restless in my mind dies out when you're right here by spiritsontheroof {T}

Jake drops his phone to his side and looks to Javy, who's gleaming at the prospect of Sarah Seresin’s cooking and a week or so on the ranch. “My mother is insisting I invite you all to Texas. Feel free to decline.” -- Or, Jake takes the Daggers home to the family.

Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) by roo_mantic {M}

“Come home with me.” Jake breathed against Bradley’s lips. His shallow breaths break up his words, but he gets them out all the same. Bradley chuckled and brushed his thumb across Jake’s bottom lip. “I’m always gonna come home with you.” He muttered, pulling his thumb down and leaving Jake's mouth agape. or: Jake asks Bradley to come home to Texas with him

You Are the Answer by Happy_Days19 {M}

Bradley Bradshaw doesn't know what is happening, but he's never felt like this about someone before. Why is he feeling like this, and why couldn't it have happened at a better time? Or, the Floyd Ranch is under new ownership, and Bradley has a lot on his plate as he tries to adapt to changes at work, a best friend who won't stop pestering him about the crush he totally doesn't have, and Jake, the completely infuriating son of the next door ranch's owner.

it's a colorful life by bahjrc {M}

Someone said that almost dying changes nothing but Bradley would have to disagree. It changed everything, at least for him. Because when he wakes up the following day to that impossible mission, he's given another rare miracle: Jake Seresin standing right outside his door, with eyes that painted the world in all shades. Hangman slips once more through his fingers but this time Rooster decides not to let go. Even if he has to cross half a country in an impulse decision to chase the rainbow tail of that man's wings. or Rooster and Hangman once had something, then they had nothing, now they could have everything. If Rooster takes his shot. Though that may involve chasing a certain cowboy down to Texas.

calm down, cowboy by lucky {T}

‘You could come along, if you like.’ Bradley turned back sharply to Hangman, but the other man was studiously avoiding his gaze. ‘Ma loves to have more people to dote on and we’re not exactly short on the space.’ Rooster joins Hangman at his family ranch in Texas and learns some things about Jake, himself and them together.

the impossible by bimmyou {E}

His old man dies on a Wednesday.

Flock Together Universe by LadyLanera {T}

Misadventures in Texas

Jake and Bradley decide it’s time to let their twins spend extended time with their Texas family. The new fathers quickly find themselves seeing the end results of Jake’s wedding ultimatum to his father. Chaos ensues.

Guard Dog With A Death Wish by heartsickhills {E}

Jake Seresin has built a life around self reliance, hyper independence, survival - trusting no one. Who knew all it would take is one fucked up encounter to get him saddled with 24/7, around the clock supervision in the form of one Bradley Bradshaw.

austin interlude by lesbiseresin {E}

Long distance is something that isn’t easy to pull off. Some nights, Bradley missed him so much that he could feel his absence aching in his ribs, right behind the place where he’d cracked them during the mission with Maverick. Letters can only do so much. Phone calls make it more bearable, but nothing is better than having each other close. That’s how Bradley usually feels, anyways. He also usually likes Texas, but right now— “I wish we’d never come here.” (alternatively: jake & bradley finally sharing the domesticity they deserve)

The Christmas Wedding Date by imafriendlydalek {E}

Bradley knows it’s a terrible idea, even as he’s agreeing to it. Sure, things between him and Jake are better now since the mission, but the bar for that was so low it was practically on the ground. Just because things are “better,” just because Hangman saved his life, just because they had a long talk about what happened in the past—a talk that maybe ended with some rather hurried but incredibly satisfying blowjobs in a bunk on an aircraft carrier and them then texting each other all of twice before today—doesn’t mean that this is a good idea. Spending a whole long weekend together, over Christmas no less? At Jake’s sister’s wedding? Pretending to be his boyfriend? A terrible idea. Still, Bradley has been known for making ill-advised decisions when it comes to one Jacob Seresin, and today is no different. “Yeah, alright,” he hears himself say. Can even hear the smile on his face. “Guess I should iron my suit, huh?” It earns him a laugh from Jake, gravelly and delighted. “Oh no, darlin’. This is an event for dress blues.”

Family Cabin by viridimessorem {T}

If you'd told Jake in October of 2018 that he'd, in the future, end up introducing Bradley Bradshaw to his family as his boyfriend, he'd have, for one, punched you, for another, laughed his ass off because that would never happen. And yet, it had.

these small towns by nightwrite24 {M}

Bradley's moved to Texas from California. Jake's got a lot of expectations riding on him that don't leave room for the type of romance he really wants. Bradley has no idea he's such an overthinker. After a great night together, Jake's fallen into a full-blown crush and does his best to panic his way out of it. It does not work.

save a horse... oh you know by teacupivy {E}

Jake is wearing the lightest blue jeans Bradley’s ever seen and a t-shirt that’s so faded it hardly has a design. His eyes are shaded by an honest to god straw hat, and Bradley can’t believe his knees don’t buckle.

Texas Hold 'Em by hangmanbradshaw {E}

June in Texas hill country meant stifling heat, sunsets at 9pm, orange glows, and cicadas. Bradley remembers it well from the summer he'd spent at his aunt's house at 18, and when he finds himself the sole recipient of that house after she passes, he decides it's time for a fresh start after the mission that almost cost him and his godfather their lives. He'd never expected his summer fling from sixteen years ago to still be living there, but more than anything, he'd never expected Jake Seresin to be wrapped up in a local murder case. Or, Bradley retires from the Navy after the mission and inherits his aunt's house in Texas, where he'd spent a summer sixteen years ago falling fast and hard for the son of the ranch owner he worked for. Jake's grown into a man, taken over the duties of the ranch now, and oh yeah...is at the center of a murder investigation involving the son of an oil money family, who just so happened to be Nat's husband. According to the town, they got tangled in a love triangle, but there might be more to the case than meets the eye.

Car Troubles And Country Air by PleaseHellMe {E}

Bradley's on leave and heading to San Diego to visit his godfather when his car breaks down in the middle of Texas. A stranger stops to help and offers to tow the Bronco to his farm, and suddenly Bradley finds himself at the Seresin Farm, where he meets the rest of the brothers. One of them catches his attention, and turns out they have a lot more in common than Bradley would have first thought.

#A Rooster in Texas Recs List #Texan Jake Hangman Seresin (Vol.I) Recs List #hangster #sereshaw #hangaroo #bradley rooster bradshaw x jake hangman seresin #bradley rooster bradshaw #jake hangman seresin #🐈red🐈furry🐈cat🐈tag🐈

[switchcase]

I've been struggling with living day to day after being SA'd and finding reasons to live. How do you have the motivation for life and recovery after surviving so much?

I'll be very honest with you. The answer is primarily that killing yourself is incredibly difficult. Most suicide methods have a high rate of failure. And failure comes with a lot of side effects.

In lieu of that, my options are: 1) be miserable for whatever time I have left or 2) attempt to carve my own life out of the shit I've been handed. Of course, it's not as easy as this sentence makes it sound, and there are certainly times where I have been both miserable and trying at the same time or just miserable. Also, I personally find my symptoms to be largely annoying and exhausting, and I would rather not be annoyed and exhausted, so I find ways to manage my symptoms.

As far as meanings, you can find little meanings everywhere, but they are all specific to you. You can say for example that you want to live long enough to finish this book. Or live long enough to learn a new skill. Live long enough to see if going on this date will be fun. Etc. It doesn't have to be a grandiose or long lasting purpose, though it certainly can. It doesn't have to positive--I survived out of spite for a long while.

Community and friends can help but the kicker is that you have to actually care about them. If you hang around other people without caring about them, you will be frustrated and feel lonelier because they have their own feelings and will not just cater to you. I've watched people do this and no matter how many people they surround themselves with they are not happy because they're bouncing from person to person trying to get something from them that you can only get through actual human connection. And people can eventually tell when you don't care about them, and they will not want to be your friend.

Probably not the philosophically deep answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps. I hope it eases soon.

#ask #anonymous #suicide m

[apneicodette]

To be dead is to be alive. (Or is it the other way around?)

Scaramouche x (gender neutral) reader oneshot

Modern AU

Warning: Mentions of death and abuse, Attempt at humor, hint of suicidal thoughts. (But happy end, this is fluff brah)

When bonding over dead family members who were complete assholes leads to a coffee date.

┏ ʟᴏᴜɪꜱᴇ - 【ᴛᴠ】 ɢɪʀʟ. ┐

1:01 ────●──────────── 3:15

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ : ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯

└ ┛

Louise, Louise

You can't be anybody's friend

Louise, Louise

I'll love you 'til I'm dead

The cold air of winter brings you a sense of comfort. The feeling of almost freezing to death was something you grew fond of. That and also no bugs to disturb your peace.

Which is why you take the opportunity to visit your father's grave. But, really, it was mostly in the hopes of running into the boy who'd too visit a grave in the winter. A grave that just so happened to be right next to your father's.

"Was that your mother?" you asked even though it was quite obvious.

The boy usually ignored you, but you didn't really care. You watched as the snow clinged onto his violet hair and his long winter coat.

You lightly sighed as you eyed your fathers grave.

"I fucking hated him" you said.

Your expectation of silence was surprised by the boy's soft chuckle.

"That makes the two of us."

He left his mother's grave heading towards the exit of the cemetery leaving his footprints behind.

This was the first time he had conversed with you over the past week. And though it ended pretty quickly, you found some joy of gaining his attention. It's not like it'll be the last time you see him, as you both arrive at the cemetery same time everyday. Expect Sunday's, you prefer to stay home that day.

"Paying your respects to my father?" You laughed as you walked towards your father's grave to which you were greeted by the boy eyeing the tombstone.

"A lawyer who helped criminals" He turned to meet your eyes, a purple hue analyzing your features for the first time, at least with you looking right at him as he does so.

"Ah, so you did your research. He was-uh, an interesting individual. I never did truly understand him."

"And what about now. With all the news." He was awfully chatty all of a sudden? You nodded your head, though you didn't say anything.

"What's your name?" You dismissed his question.

"I asked you something" he sternly said.

"Yeah, well, I don't feel like answering it. Is that fair?" You balanced back and forth with your hands in your coat pocket.

"Whatever." He scoffed.

"So....?" He looked as if he was contemplating whether or not he should humor your question since you did not answer his.

"Kunikuzushi."

You repeated his name constantly in your head. To say your intrigued by him is a understatement. He certainly made your life a tad bit more interesting. The fact he never asked your name told you he already knew it.

"Let's go on a date." You randomly proposed catching the boy off guard.

"Excuse me?" He coughed out.

"You heard me," you brightly said as you watched him regain his composure. You found his shielded defense personality adorable when he slips up.

"Yeah hard pass."

"Really? So you're telling me you rather be here and watch the same stiff ass tombstone of someone you don't even like than go on a date with a beautiful person such as myself?"

"Hmm, let me think about it.... yeah!"

"Oh be honest Kuni, you come here everyday, same time, in hopes of seeing me."

"In your dreams."

"More like reality asshat"

"Don't project your delusional romantic fantasies onto me."

You rolled your eyes at his rejection to your request. So you resorted to your over-exaggerated groans and heavy sighs of disappointment. And it worked considering the boy's short temper.

"What do you even gain from this date" he massaged the bridged of his nose, you were probably giving him an headache.

"Your attention."

"You have it now, dont you?"

"Yes, but I would rather not be in the same setting with you all the time. It feels like others are intruding on our conversations, dont you think?" You reference to the two tombstones in front of you both.

You don't remember how, but somehow managed to convince the stubborn introverted mysterious boy to go to a cafe near the area with you.

"Dont you find it strange?" You lightly blew on your latte to cool it down.

The boy across the table from you arched a brow. You opened your mouth to clarify your statment.

"I feel like I've known you for the longest time. Its like we're soulmates!"

"Not this again" he groaned in annoyance.

"Haha, okay, I'll stop. But don't you feel it too -" you sighed at the death stare he gave you. "You don't really add much to a conversation."

You both sat in silent till it was his turn to finally contribute to the conversation you so wanted.

"I've seen you in school before."

"Oo tell me more tell me more, like did I have a car!" You sang as a means of encouragement and childness.

"Are you mentally okay?" To your suprise, he lightly chuckled at your randomness.

"Was that a laugh!?!? Little old me made you laugh!?" You put your hand on your chest for an exaggerated expression.

"I will kill you." He smiled disappeared, though you could tell he was biting his cheeks.

"Okay, okay, but as you were saying."

"You get bullied a lot."

"Jee, thanks."

"It clearly bothers you, though you dont show it."

"I mean, I could say the same about you. Same but not the same. I mean, I'm not an asshole but because my dad practically was, I get shitted on. You ARE an asshole and people shit on you for it because your mom was practically an angel"

"Hardly."

"Basically."

You wonder where he was going with the sudden topic, but he took it no further as he drank the rest of his coffee. "Truly are the devil. Black Coffee? No sugar?"

"You can say, I'm just as bitter as it taste."

"I bet you thought you looked really cool as you said that."

"Im leaving."

Not this again. Many lights flashed in your eyes at such a rapid speed. You were sure you'd go blind. The sounds of cameras taking pictures of you in many angels were becoming so overwhelming that you couldn't understand the many questions these reporters were bombarding you with.

Only mumbled voices invaded your head as you desperately tried to find a way out. A mic was shoved in your face as you stared into the camera zooming in your face.

"Huh," you were out of breath, and that was the only word that managed to come out. The reporter pointed the mic towards themselves to repeat their question before returning it to you.

"Do you plan to follow in your Father's footsteps? It was believed one of his clients killed him. Is it true? Did you support your father's action? Are the rumors of his abusive behavior towards you true as well?"

You swore everything was spining, "No?" You said still looking for a way out. Your unsure response caused a uproar of questions. You started to lose your composer.

"Get the fuck of me!" You shoved the mic away from your face as you forcibly pushed your self through the crowd.

This always happened. Why? Because a stupid lawyer decided to help criminals escape from death threatening sentences. And, it was the fact he was good at his job and so willingly used his intelligence to help these horrid human beings is what cursed his name, and in return, you. All for the sake of money.

Seeing the reporters shortly following after you, you started to run in the hopes of losing them. But of course, these drama, thirsty reporters know how to chase down a story.

A sound of a motorcycle raising its engine caught your attention. "Get in" Kunikuzushi's voice called out to you. Never have been more happy to see his face.

You didn't waste any time to climb on the back, grabbing his waist as he sped off, not even caring for the red light that shined. You turned your head watching as the reporters disappeared from your line of sight.

Finally, you can breathe.

You relaxed your body leaning into the warmth of Scaramouche's body. "Thank you."

He didn't say anything, but he never really needs to when it comes to you. His actions always speak louder.

You both had stopped at a convenient store at a quiet neighborhood sitting at the edge of the sidewalk after buying snacks to eat.

"I've should've known you owned a motorcycle." You commented already missing the feeling of being on it.

"I bet you thought I was hot." He smugly said.

"Alright let's not get too cocky now." You mocked.

"But you're not denying it."

You laughed at you stared at the distant forest the blue sky peeking through the leaves.

"They often bother you?" He asked.

You hummed, "Occasionally, but never as much as they did today. Their so fucking annyoing."

"They're just assholes who are trying to make a profit out of other people's misery."

"You can say that again."

"Here," He handed you a side of his wired headphones and you plugged it to your ears. You both zoned out off into to the distance. You both had grown comfortable with each other after your little coffee date, and the ones that shortly came after it.

You perferred to be alone, but you never imagine how good it'd feel to be alone with someone else. The soft music in your ear was slowly lulling you to sleep as you rested your head on Kunikuzushi's shoulder.

Your hands slowly brushed. You almost retracted it back until Kunikuzushi hand firmly sat on top of yours. He let out a shaky breath.

"Fuck." He said softly. How could one cursed so nicely you thought.

"What?"

"I hate you."

"That's cute."

You both laughed. Not the first time he said such a thing but you both knew it was utter bullshit.

"Don't do it." His voice got quiter, more serious. You brought your head back up in confusion towards his vague comment.

"Hmm? Do what?"

"Your stupid email sent early, you clearly didnt mean for it to."

You froze as your heart sank. "I- I." For once you had a lost for words.

"Not yet..... just wait it out. And if it really gets bad then, I'll go with you. Deal?"

"Kuni-" he cut you off.

"Just say yes." He looked at your eyes searching for an answer.

You gently placed your hand on his face, placing a light feathery kiss on his lips, he leaned into your touch holding tightly to the hand on his cheek.

"Yes."

The sun was setting.

#genshin morden au #modern au #genshin modern au #genshin x reader #scara x reader #genshin wanderer #wanderer x reader #fluff #Kunikuzushi x reader #scaramouche x reader #kunikuzushi #genshin impact

[how-mytearsricochet]

If We Were Villains fanfics - a thread by me

Since some of you asked me to recommend some IWWV fics in order to process that devastating ending, here’s my personal thread. I vividly hope  you're gonna enjoy it :) 

1. what is woven into the lives of others - helloearthlings - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 I think this is the most popular IWWV fic since the first review on Goodreads has posted a link to this story, but that’s only fair given that it is masterfully crafted. The story’s centre is Oliver and James' reunion, and therefore Oliver’s journey to find him.

2. you've got me wrapped around your finger (do you have to let it linger?) - orphan_account - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

This is a “what if..”  and explores how things could have been if the night of their last party -the one in the library, talking through King Lear’s riddles- Oliver would have figured out the truth in time and they would run away together.

I’ve read it an embarrassing number of times, and each time it has the ability to broke my heart in shards not only for the two of them but for the bigger picture of those six as a family (I’m a sucker for a good found-family trope and this one didn’t fail to deliver a heart-warming feeling with only using spare details, shreds of memories and careless laughter from a payphone at 2am).  

Also, there’s this brief inner monologue that perfectly encapsulates Oliver’s perspective and his ardent loyalty for his real-life Shakespearean Tragic Hero:

“I never blamed him. Forever, I will blame the plays. I will blame the theater. I will blame myself and I will blame Richard, but I will keep James safe".

 This is it. This is canon for me. I’d tattoo it on my skin if I could, there’s so much sentiment in these few lines. Also, can we please talk about the prose? "but the sparrow had begun to open its eyes, and I met James' glazed eyes with my own", it had me in tears.

 3. as if it were the first - Chapter 1 - crownsandbirds - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 This is another reunion fic; it takes place two years after Oliver’s release from prison, and in this universe, we found a broken James who is living -literally- under Alexander and Colin’s wing since his failed attempt to suicide six years ago.

 It’s written by James’s pov, which allow us to know the real reach of his feelings, how pervasive is his sense of guiltiness, how broken beyond recovery he is –“James doesn't self-harm physically anymore, but he doesn't think he'll ever stop looking for opportunities to break his own heart"- so buckle up for some angst -but really, when it’s not angst when we’re talking about two Shakespearean lovers?-.

 Bonus point: the story gives us an intimate view over Alexander and Colin’s relationship, a criminally underrated couple in IWWV in my opinion.

4.  the dead man's float - misandrywitch - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 Another reunion fic -yeah, you can practically sense our desperate need of a closure whatsoever after M.L.Rio thrown us under a bus with that last line- passed with full marks not only for its peculiar use of a theatre structure which resembles the original novel’s structure -enter, final act, exeunt- but also for the honest portrait of its characters. There are not cheesy moments nor big declarations of love, which is something that represents the original characters: James and Oliver never opened up about their feelings, not even in the end (M.L.Rio once highlighted the importance of Oliver’s answers to James, a simple “you know why”; not even in that moment, behind the bars, they can state their feelings for each other), they’re only capable of Great Acts as papa Shakespeare taught ‘em (aka: go to prison for a crime you didn’t commit. Aka: fake your own death in order to recreate the only non-tragic Shakespeare novel. Aka: ME SICK AND TIRED OF THOSE THEATRE KIDS).

 Despite the premise, I very appreciate this Oliver: long gone the insecure shy obtuse kid, we now find a practical man that knows what and who he wants, who doesn’t step back in front of a confrontation with James -but still, he would blindly follow him to the end of the world-; and I deeply cherish this James Farrow who openly admits and accepts that he’s not the flawless Tragic Hero the Dellecher decided for him to be, so he's finally free now to live his life according to his own rules and desires, that it’s okay if  he’s a bit coward; human.

 BONUS SMUT FIC - cuz sometimes a brief first and only kiss in the middle of a school play is not enough, no matter how poetic it was

no other companion - crownsandbirds - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 Christmas came early this year. You’re welcome

 Now, some secondary fics, shorter but still impressive

 1.     home is where it hurts - crownsandbirds - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 This is through Alexander’s point of view, and it focuses on the weight of Richard’s death, the motifs that led him to say that fatidic and excruciating “nothing”. There’s a lot of James and Oliver here; there’s this part that to this day is still impressed on my brain:

"Oliver and James were truly a pair of the kind Alexander had only seen in books, old classical books that talked about turning a river into blood and defeating Gods. The prince and his companion, Hamlet and his Horatio".

2. And Therefore is Winged Cupid Blind - Civilbloodoncivilhands - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

Set during the third year of Dellecher, the clique is in the middle of one of Gwendolyn’s classes; Oliver is oblivious, James is whipped, Richard is a dick and Alexander is the queer queen we all know and love.

3. Merely a Madness... - sapphicfratboy - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 This is a close-up on James Farrow's private life, from his first kiss and first crush to the encounter with Oliver.

 Something I really appreciated here beside the impeccable prose is the way the author sticked to the truth of the facts: the students of his father that used to slip in the library with him, Oliver’s love for old rock band t-shirts, James addressing his own father as “Professor” in a sardonic way etc

4. Maybe This Is Where It Ends (Take A Bow) - fathand - If We Were Villains - M.L. Rio [Archive of Our Own]

 A brief "what if..." if James would have gone to prison. Short but incisive. 

#iwwv #iwwv spoilers #if we were villains #if we were villains spoiler #iwwv fanfic #ao3 #dark academia #dark academia books #james farrow #Oliver Marks #james x oliver #queer fiction #mlrio #dellecher #we have to protect the gays #this was my heartstopper

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

cw: vent as long as should be expected from reddit refugee, r*ssian psychiatry being as dehumanizing as every other things in this country, english at the level of a non-native who got lost in reality while writing at least twice;

massive tw: forced hospitalization, suicidal troughs mention, abusive therapist and cruelty i suppose?

i don't even want to start it with "NPD culture is" cause i honestly (desperately) want that no one here will relate with my experience. i also will completely understand if this rant will not be posted, it's long, terrible, it's about may be specific to my doomed country's doomed medical care only. even i myself wish to having no idea about it. i not even goin to be anon here since i have a little fate in this end up posted.

well, NPD culture is dissociating each time anyone share they ideas about how often they supposed (they always supposed that is "never") pwNPD are searching for a therapy. i was the one who did search indeed and found out unpleasant fact that not only i won't get any help, but the one who should help me eventually will try to utterly destroy me. it's was what happened last time, i believe now i could have PTSD and here's the story.

after some dramatic events my npd symptoms slowly started getting much worse. i won’t describe everything, it’s enough to mention that during the year since the dramatic events™, i almost completely isolated myself from society and almost stopped doing anything for my studies, trying to avoid negativity from people around me. i tried seeing a counselor in college to address at least this issue, i can't remember anything about her other than she blamed me for my "parenting stance" and kept telling me i didn't want to work on myself and just wanted to blame everyone but myself for my condition. i tried to visit another psychologist. and another. while i was spending my last money trying to find a specialist who would at least hear me, it was getting worse, maybe because of the my belief that everyone would always be against me. when idea about getting lost in a river nearby my house became more common through than "go brush your teeth" i went to a town psychoneurological dispensary... i should have go to work spending the rest of my vitality to pay for another attempt at private psychotherapy.

just going to the dispensary was humiliating, and by that time I had already lost the idea that it was shameful to seek help. i had to describe troubling symptoms to the psychiatrist on duty... standing in a room full of strangers, only some of whom were medical staff, and the psychiatrist himself looked at me like i was a maggot. and I had to go through this procedure twice, because the first time, “I’m constantly thinking about throwing myself into the river,” apparently they didn’t hear. when i finally got to the dispensary, all those tests that were done to assess my sanity.... the wording of the questions was humiliating to say the least, and even with my belief that i was the most honest person in the world, i admit that lied on that tests. again, no one listened to me, patients in general were given as little attention as possible. when one of the conversations with the therapist she touched on a topic that was painful for me and i couldn't hold back my tears, i was threatened that if I didn't pull myself together i would be sent to a hospital. which exactly what happened.

this was supposed to be the longest part of the story, but it's physically hard for me to describe what happened, so I'm just listing it. i was not allowed to contact my family, to take any things, at least clothes from home, they just put me in an ambulance and took me to this prison. they took my phone and I didn't see any of my stuff until I was discharged. when they brought me in, they injected me with something and did it for the three days i was in the isolation ward where they put all the newcomers. later on, they transferred me to a general ward and again every day they gave me a hell of a lot of medicine. I don't know what they were. i know how it sounds but alas this is how russian psychiatric hospitals work and this horror can be confirmed in the stories of other... survivors? we were not allowed outside (because of covid they say), there were no family visitation days, the only thing we did was to walk along the corridor along the wards. no privacy, no emotions allowed, YOU a nothing.

i spent a month there. for crying. i could have gone longer, but I was able to convince the superintendent at the weekly meeting that i could be returned to the care of the dispensary. when I left, i was told that my good behavior would get me bipolar instead of schizoaffective disorder so they "wouldn't ruin my life." what does schizoaffective disorder have to do with anything? ut's what in this country they like to diagnose when they don't know what to diagnose. doesn't really matter if you fit criteria. i didn't fit any of them, so thanks for... not ruining my life i guess.

it took me two years to recover from all this. i think i'm mostly fine as long as no one mentions how bad narcissists are for not going to therapy. like even though I know I need therapy, i can't bring myself to do it. i know there must be normal therapists, but I feel too deep a dislike and distrust of people in this profession. you know... it could cost me life?

.

#thats horrible nonny im so sorry that all happened to you :( #npd culture is #npd #actually narcissistic #actually npd #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b #psychiatric abuse #abuse tw #suicide tw #ask to tag

[savventeen]

places we've been torn (i'm always, always yours)

pairing: soonyoung x gn!reader rating: T wc: ~1k summary: you and soonyoung have been lying together for who-knows how long now, going back and forth asking each other about the various scars you both have. the stories have been mostly silly or stupid (or both), but it's as the night is winding down that soonyoung asks about the one scar with a story you're not sure you're ready to share. warnings: scars, mentions of suicide, past near-attempted suicide (reader) tags: fluff and angst, angsty fluff, reader is in a good place now but there was a time when they weren't, and soonyoung has to take some time to process that fact, i think this is still very soft??? despite the subject matter, but please please please be careful friends a/n: this is for @diamondyjh as part of my emergency commissions and she requested angst to fluff (tho this turned into more angsty fluff than angst to fluff, but i hope you still like it) and the title is from always by switchfoot

You're not sure the last time you felt so content.

At the moment, you and Soonyoung are curled up on his bed over the covers, feet tangled together and heads sharing the same pillow. The past few hours you've spent just laying there and talking, mostly asking about each other's scars but drifting off to other topics as well. For the past ten minutes or so, it's been quiet, the two of you simply enjoying each other's company.

Everything about this moment is warm — from the way his hands hold one of yours and press a kiss to your palm to the way your heart feels like it's melting in your chest and spreading all the way to the tips of your toes.

"What about this one," he murmurs into the silence, rubbing his thumb slowly over the soft skin of your wrist. "It's so tiny; I never noticed it before."

And the scar in question is tiny, smaller than a grain of rice, nestled right in the center of your wrist.

The story behind it, though, is so much bigger.

For the first time all night, your first instinct is to lie — to make something up and brush it off and clutch at the secret you've kept tucked away in your chest for so, so long. Excuses like oh, it's no big deal - it's nothing - I don't even remember all sit ready on the tip of your tongue. But you bite them back.

You stare at Soonyoung, marveling at how soft he looks in the warm lamplight — trusting the small but fervent corner of your quickly-beating heart begging you to be completely honest for once in your life, whispering that you can trust him with this.

He keeps tracing his thumb in gentle arcs across your skin, and you breathe in — slow — breathe out — steady.

“It’s from a knife,” you say at last, calm, and not at all like this is the first time in the ten years since it happened that you’ve told anyone. A buzzing has started under your skin, anxiety humming through your veins at a frequency you’re sure Soonyoung must be able to hear.

But he just wrinkles his brow in adorable confusion, lower lip jutting out just enough to form a soft, worried pout. “A knife?”

“Yeah.”

You can trust him with this.

You gulp and bite the bullet. “I was sixteen and... and I came really close to killing myself.”

A beat, and the world stops.

Your breath feels trapped in your lungs as you watch him blink, his thumb freezing as he processes your words. And for a moment, his face is blank.

But Soonyoung has always worn his heart on his sleeve, and you can easily read the emotions that start flashing across his face. First, a silent shock that bleeds into disbelief. His eyes find yours, searching, searching, yearning to find a falsehood somewhere in your words — a soft kind of horror dawning like a rain-soaked morning as realization sets in.

His grip on your wrist tightens, fear and worry evident in the way he takes a deep, steadying breath, and he pulls your hand to his chest and clutches it there, almost desperately. His other hand reaches out to cradle your face, stroking reverently, even as his exhale is shaky. It doesn't seem to be enough, though, because a moment later, he's scooting forward the foot of space between you and bringing your forehead to his. You lay like that for a moment, two, and then he's pulling you closer still, tucking your face into the crook of his neck and shoulder so that he can wrap his arms around you and squeeze.

You squeeze back, telling him with everything but your words that I'm not gone, I'm still here. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. You let yourselves have this moment, burying yourself into his embrace as he holds you like you'll disappear if he lets go.

"I'm okay, Youngie," you murmur eventually.

His fingers curl into the back of your shirt. "But you weren't." His voice is a whisper, thick with the threat of tears. "You weren't okay."

You sigh, bringing one hand up to cradle the back of his head and gently scratch at his scalp. "No. No, I wasn't then. But that was a long time ago, now."

Between one blink and the next, he's pulling out of the embrace just enough to be able to cradle your face between his palms. He's staring at you with red-rimmed eyes, and you feel something crack in your chest.

"You'll tell me, right?" he asks. "If you're ever not okay again? You'll tell me, or someone, or—" He huffs a frustrated breath before pressing a gentle kiss against your forehead. For a moment that feels like your own eternity, he lingers there, lips against your skin — an invisible tattoo pressed into every thought floating around in your head. "Please promise me you'll tell someone, jagi."

"I will." You seal your vow with a kiss of your own pressed to his lips. "I promise."

And he must hear the truth of your words because you can feel the tension bleed out of him like he's a deflating balloon, and you deflate right along with him. You press another kiss to his lips, soft and chaste and full of all the reassurance you have.

"Hey, Youngie." You wait until he's looking at you, and then you let all of the warm, gooey feelings of hope and love and life bubble over into a beaming grin. "I love you, and I'm so happy that I'm here with you."

The smile he gives back could rival the sun's, you think.

~~~

Suicide Hotlines in the US call or text 988 Spanish toll-free number 1-888-628-9454 Trevor Project/LGBTQIA+: text 678-678 or call 1-866-488-7386

#soonyoung x you #soonyoung x reader #hoshi x you #hoshi x reader #soonyoung angst #hoshi angst #svt #svt writing #svt fic #seventeen fic #savv fics #savv writes #emergency commisions #commission fic #cw: scars #cw: suicide #okay i think i got all the necessary tags #but yeah i hope u all enjoy :') #if i missed any tags/warnings please let me know #also if you're able PLEASE consider checking out my emergency commission post #even if all u can do is reblog it would mean so so much <3