#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

k-dhd · 9 months

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I was just recommended this blog, congrats on being the first adhd blog I've followed! :) My adhd is real bad right now since I can't get my meds, got that burnout going and I'm desperate for a new hyperfixation because all my other ones sound "too boring" for my brain. I saw that you enjoy talking about your hyperfixations, so my question is what things would you suggest and what would be your selling points for them? Shows, games, crafts, anything you can think of! Go wild my friend!

i feel unreasonably happy about being the first adhd blog that you followed and that it was because i was recommended to you!! 🥰 but i’m sorry about the meds. though i do enjoy talking about my hyperfixations so thank you for asking me about them.

right now, i’m really obsessed with castiel from the show supernatural. i have been for about two and half years, so it’s definitely lasted a while. plus the ship destiel (he’s the -stiel part of course), and the show are part of that hyperfixation. if you haven’t heard about castiel, he’s an angel who was sent to earth to be a soldier but he fell in love with humanity, plus he can be bitchy and really funny. he’s so pretty and just an all around lovable character.

i make gifs so i spend a lot of time watching his scenes and hoping to make other people love him too. plus the actor who plays him (misha collins) is really special to me too. i love him probably as much as castiel, and i’m actually going to meet him in september!!!!!

the show supernatural is 15 seasons and castiel is in them from the first episode of season 4 till the end so there’s quite a lot of him! this is him:

oh and misha collins from above is also in this other show called ‘gotham knights’, it’s about these teenagers who band together after they’re accused of killing batman. i admit, i started watching the show because of misha collins, but the relationships between the so called gotham knights is really amazing to watch. the show got cancelled after one season thanks to the cw, but what they did with that season was so great.

misha plays harvey dent, and he’s a really good guy who starts to struggle with, for lack of a way to describe it, another guy in his head. he blacks out and does things he doesn’t remember because the other guy takes over.

it’s a really good show, and everyone, not just the cast but the crew and the writers and especially the costume designer (who interacted with me a few times on twitter) worked so hard on the show and it made me love it so much more.

another show i really like is called 911, it’s about these firefighters and paramedics in LA and honestly i didn’t expect to love it as much as i did. procedurals weren’t my favourite type of shows, but this one had me reconsidering. my favourite character is this guy evan buckley, or ‘buck’ as he goes by. he’s got like the worst abandonment issues but he’s really cute and fun and half the reason i love the show. i am terrible at descriptions but i think anyone who watches the show finds they love him. but the show is more about found family, which is coincidentally what supernatural is about 😆

this isn’t something to really hyperfixate on but recently i’ve been really obsessed with cats. i don’t currently have one but my sister got one about 3 years ago and for like 2 months, i’ve been looking for a cat myself. they’re just so adorable and small!!! i can’t get a cat until i get a job, and it’s seriously hard right now ☹️but i’m trying my best.

i mentioned this earlier but i make gifs. like… a lot. i love watching something and thinking ‘i can make this look even better.’ making a scene brighter and playing around with colouring and photoshop is really, really fun. it takes up a lot of my time because once i start, i can’t really stop. and being on tumblr is a perfect place to share gifs. if you have the means and the time, i’d definitely recommend it. you can be creative, rewatch a show and characters you love and find a community of people who do!

i know i haven’t given you many options for things to hyperfixate on, but this has been really fun to just rant about things i like, so thank you! i hope you find some things to hyperfixate on, but if not, adhd in and of itself is really interesting to learn about. but then again, psychology and neuroscience are what i’ve committed to studying so maybe that’s why it appeals to me so much. anyways, i wish you luck on your journey! thanks for following 💖

#lochness-giraffe #ask #if you want to follow me on my main blog then let me know #i don’t like to share it publicly on this sideblog because i had some weirdo who was stalking this blog and commenting #what is basically anti-adhd rhetoric everywhere and it was so weird

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pocket-size-cthulhu · 1 year

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Good morning.

Some scientists believe ADHD is caused by the brain processing dopamine inefficiently.

The brain requires chemical homeostasis and if you're processing less dopamine than you need, you are perpetually doing things to help stimulate dopamine production, whether that's impulsiveness, speaking out of turn, making jokes at inappropriate times, picking fights, fidgeting, zoning out, etc.

Worse, when you're asked to do something that's unpleasant and won't allow you to do something rewarding at the same time, like paying a bill or doing math homework, your brain riots because it NEEDS the dopamine and this is actively preventing you from getting what you need. Until you're down to the wire and adrenaline floods your brain, allowing you to Do The Thing on that momentum alone, you're stuck.

You don't get to choose to ignore your brain's need for chemical homeostasis; you have to treat it or work around it somehow.

Stimulant medications address the brain's immediate need for happy chemicals. This is why stimulants calm ADHD people down. Suddenly the brain is no longer screaming for dopamine, and you are actually enabled to do the things, including the boring or difficult things, that you've been wanting to do all along. This is also why caffeine puts a lot of ADHD people to sleep. The brain, finally having what it needs, is calm.

i get why people are scared of stimulant medications but like, when you have ADHD and you're properly dosed, it's not addictive. Because your brain chemistry is different. You're not getting a high, you're actually calming down, for once in your entire life.

It's not like ADHD meds don't come with side effects and downsides. If i could function without them, I'd prefer to, because the side effects are a bummer. I also don't like feeling like i rely on a crutch, especially when shortages, politics, misinformation and ableism make the future of access to them so uncertain; but i feel similarly about my glasses. Kinda wish i didn't need em. You know?

But even with all that said, meds have been a miracle for me. Over the last couple years, my self-confidence has grown. The feeling of fear and failure that's hung over me literally my entire life is lifting, because I'm finding i consistently have the capacity to meet people's expectations and do what's most important. I'm less anxious about unpleasant tasks, because i can be confident in my ability to do them before they pile up. I'm able to be present more often, at work and in the rest of my life. I can show up for my friends. I'm no longer constantly scared that others will Find Out that I'm Faking It, because yeah, I'm a hot mess, but i can get crap done when i need to now usually. I'm actually making significant progress towards goals I've had for years and never been able to start on. I'm discovering that with some strategy, i can have some consistent habits. I'm having more compassion with myself and cutting myself some slack when i do fall short.

Meds haven't fixed everything for me; progress has come slowly with a combination of meds, therapy, getting older, and settling down in life. And i still struggle a lot, with things like keeping my space clean and consistently doing tasks that i don't like or that cause me sensory issues etc. I still struggle with a LOT of shame around my ADHD, every day when i step over that pile of laundry or try to remember where i left my phone. But I'm not constantly scared I'm about to be fired anymore. I'm not ending the workday exhausted from anxiety and spinning my wheels after a long day of under-performing. I'm not so plagued by the feeling that I'm letting everyone down or that I'll never be able to achieve my goals. Compared to a few years ago, i am so happy, calm and confident--i wouldn't have recognized current me.

Meds are a miracle. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

#adhd #adhd post #adhd tag #listen.#you don't deserve a life of shame and self-hatred #you deserve help #you deserve stability #you deserve the tools you need to live the life you want #don't be afraid of seeking that. whether that's meds or therapy or both or more #you deserve to be proud of who you are #and of what you've accomplished #you're doing amazing #this has been brought to you by #I'm Medicated But I'm On My Period So The Meds Aren't Working Super Well #And I'm Hyperfocusing On This Instead Of My Responsibilities #lol #long post

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starrypawz · 5 months

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So uh personal update, on Gender (TM) as I don't think I've talked about this that much but like decisions are being made and this is like... a journey

So basically in 2018 I refereed myself to a NHS GIC as it was like 'Oh boy I am getting the genders and maybe enough of a case I should consider like... doing something' and at the time I had like some vague 'I might be transmasc' feelings and it was like 'I might want top surgery' so like I did that

And then time passes and I sort of forgot about it and then as people know the GIC system is super backed up anyway so like help.

And it was like four years later (2022) I had a message like 'Oh hey your first appointment is coming up now' and I had like... a debate about what I should do like if I even needed to go and was advised like 'at least attend your first appointment' and then during that one it was like 'Oh we can put you forward for some gender based talking therapy at least' and that seemed like a good idea

And then yeah during this time (2018-2022) I've like tried things, like I've had a binder, I went through that 'trying to dress more masc' phase, got a trans masc haircut (tm), covid happened and I came out the other side a goth weirdo, I find I'm actually more happy being a weirdo goth who sometimes wears skirts and dresses and I think I'm agender actually.

(Also like oh boy I'm not really living in circumstances where like doing that like typical 'get on hrt and transition' thing is going to work but I did havew to check in with myself to make sure that my decisions to not medically do anything wasn't just me wussing out but it's not it's just not quite the right step)

(And then during this time it's like 'lol my gender basically is like a bag of potatoes your forgot in the back of the cupboard i don't even know what it is right now)

And then more time passes and then like earlier this year it's like 'Oh hey you can start that now' and I have a therapy intake appointment and THEN it's like the clinician I'm seeing is like 'Oh I'm leaving the service actually but I'll do your initial intake and hand that over'

THEN

And now I can't remember how things went but it's like either I had my first appointment with the clinician, started adhd meds and then we had to have an appointment a month later or i started meds, had the appointment then a month break either way there was a delay to starting the therapy that during that time I started my ADHD medication and just as you know it basically fixed my brain somewhat and I can like... actually think and shit

But yeah basically turns out I actually didn't need to talk about my gender as much as I thought, It also turned out that a lot of the like weird disassociated feelings I've had going on are like 'that's the unmedicated adhd talking' (Not all of it but yeah a lot of it was like 'neurodivergent brain struggling to cope) and yeah I've like come to the conclusion that at least at this point I don't really feel that I actually need the 'medical' interventions (like hrt and or top surgery) like I've basically worked out where I am and that yeah actually I'm good thanks (Like tbh I've never had like very intense dysphoria so like dysphoria was not a useful metric for working out my gender, it's never really been physical features of mine causing distress it's more the social/metal side of things)

And yeah then a few weeks back it was like 'Oh here's your second appointment at the end of December' and it's like 'what the heck do I do now? I'm not planning to medically transition'

And yeah I had a therapy session today and basically my current plan is

I will attend my second assessment, it's apparently a good idea to do that as it means I have another chance to talk things over with someone, also it turns out you can be discharged from the GIC and then come back which is probably a good thing to have in my pocket should like circumstances change again like have a paper trail and like just have an official closure rather than just me leaving and potentially having to like start from square one again.

Also I'm meant to have two more therapy sessions in January so like it's probably a good idea to attend at least one of those so yet again it's like can close some stuff out.

So like I'm shuffling myself out but doing so in the like sensible official way. And yeah it has been a whole thing grappling with like if I'm wasting time/space since I know so many other people are behind me waiting to get in and uh... there's probably quite a few people ahead of me who didn't make it so like I am trying to exit the service as quickly as I can it's just... I'm going at the speed of red tape here.

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liminalpsych-in-teyvat · 10 months

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…I have written ~32,000 words of a single story in the past month. I haven't done that since high school.

Wait. No. Holy crap. I take that back. I stalled out at 25,000 words during NaNoWriMo in high school in I think 2003 or 2004, and that was the farthest I got in a month's time. So this is the most I've ever written in such a short time. But I haven't written this avidly, this many words, this consistently since high school, at the very least.

(oh no I adhd'd in the morning when my meds were half kicked in. That's always a mistake of uncontained rambling. I'll be surprised/impressed if anyone actually reads the rest of this post; ...actually I'm going to put it under a cut because it just got out of control)

It's such a nice feeling! I had given up on writing fiction for a long time, especially after working in residential treatment (2008-2010) when I just. Stopped reading fiction and stopped writing it, because I felt like I "should" be spending my time on "productive" things instead whenever I had time to write (it felt like a trauma brain, survival mode kind of mindset; I was pretty shut down and dissociated).

And when I tried to write any time after that, I got blocked too from overthinking it, knowing just enough about psychology to feel like I was Doing It Wrong with character portrayals, but not knowing enough to do it "right" or for it to flow more naturally. 13-15 years, a graduate counseling degree, and 8 years of post grad experience in the counseling field later, that's not a problem anymore, and not even a stress point.

It's been interesting trying out different approaches to writing. I'm not doing pure discovery writing anymore (aka seat-of-the-pants writing aka pantsing, not having any outline or any solid idea of where you're going, discovering as you write); I've outlined more for this story than I ever have. I'm doing more editing than I did when I was younger (I'm gonna blame adhd meds for that one, thanks adhd meds, you're the best!).

I've also been using a thesaurus for the first time in my life as a writer, which is just embarrassing. It's because I haven't used my extensive vocabulary nearly as actively, not unless it's psychology related. So while I know a lot of descriptive words, I don't have easy access to them. I'll be like "…all I can think of is this direct/simple word, but it's not the Right Word, I know the right word exists but I can't remember what it is, it's kind of like this word but not quite" and so I have to look up synonyms until I stumble across the word I was trying to remember. 9_9 I'm sure it'll come back as I read fiction more and write more.

(Possibly some of it is the head pressure/health issues? Because I'll lose words when I'm having really bad symptoms, and lose a sentence halfway through speaking. But that feels different. Pretty sure this is just because of atrophy from not writing prose for so long, and for not reading fiction nearly as voraciously as I once did.)

(But I hadn't realized I could lose access to my vocabulary from disuse. It makes sense, because I certainly have lost access to the Spanish I was once fairly fluent in. I can still understand a good amount of Spanish when I hear it spoken or read it; I just can't spontaneously access the vocabulary to speak it anymore.)

but man. you definitely get more hits and comments on AO3 for fanfic in a larger fandom like Genshin Impact (65 million active players in March 2023) than in a tiny one like Arthurian literature (20 gay people on Tumblr, that's it, that's the fandom. ...this is hyperbole, but only barely, we might be up to 40 gay people on Tumblr by now with all the Reddit refugees).

and very likely you get more hits for Explicit rated fic / erotica than for non-erotica, but I'd have to post a general audience fic in the Genshin fandom to find out. (I definitely can't say it's porn without plot, the label I used for this fic before I figured out a title was "Kushiel's Impact", basically sex-and-trauma-and-sexual-trauma political intrigue story.)

#writing #fanfic #genshin fanfic #on writing #amod #a matter of duty #my writing

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sixstepsaway · 2 years

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This has nothing to do with OFMD but as someone who also suffers from ADHD (as well as rapid-cycling bipolar disorder which is like having ADHD: Extreme Edition) but I'm so glad to hear that you've found meds that work. And that it's Elvanse! I've been on it for years now and it is truly life-changing. Congrats on your brain finally chilling out a bit 💗

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry you have ADHD and bipolar, that must make your brain very hard to deal with. I have ADHD and autism, and sometimes it feels like my brain is at war with itself.

Earlier, a friend said, "Stupid brains (and then I tell myself that doesn't help, it's a good brain and body that are trying so hard)"

to which I responded, "the brains and the bodies are much like izzy hands: deeply infuriating but trying their best damnit" which I think is very applicable to all of this.

The Elvanse is an absolute gift. I'm being titrated by Psych UK, which means they started me on the lowest dose (20mg) and every week I go up 10mg until I reach 60mg (though my nurse has decided to try me on 70mg after the 60 week ends).

The first week was a miracle because it cured the fatigue I've suffered with since I was 14. I took my first dose at 7pm on that Wednesday when I woke up, then passed the ever loving fuck back out and slept until 9 or 10pm and then got up, which was baffling and amazing because I have never in my life been able to nap any less than 3-4 hours, and I woke up feeling so refreshed I nearly cried.

And then the next day I got up at 7pm again (I am nocturnal for many reasons) and took my meds and stayed up????? Instead of sleeping through until 2am???

The 20mg did nothing for my inattentiveness, just gave me more energy. The 30mg felt about the same. The 40mg was a little better, but about the same. The 50mg week lined up with my PMDD and I wanted to let a boulder roll over me, so I didn't really get to feel the 50mg week at all, and my nurse said we could either go back to 40mg (which had seemed like my best week) or try 60mg and 70mg. We decided on keeping going. The 50mg (and prior doses) I was really struggling with executive dysfunction. I couldn't pry myself off on on of anything, and I'd get really upset with myself because I'd sit here, playing Minecraft, actively going, "I need to go to bed," or "I need to write," or "I need to do that sewing," over and over and not being able to move and do any of those things no matter how much I wanted to.

I started my 60mg on Wednesday (and took another Elvanse Nap™ which seems to be my Wednesday tradition at this point) and on Wednesday I:

Set up my bujo pages for filling in for July

Did some tweaking of my Minecraft modpack loot tables

Worked on the ore sprites for that modpack

Refilled my meds

Bulleted my way through 1,700 words of planning my fic

Transferred my ducky diaper pattern to pattern paper

and it was amazing. I feel like a new person? The only side-effects I've had of the Elvanse has been headaches, possibly (but I've had headaches literally my entire life, my little five year old self used to have horrible headaches, they've actually gotten better as I've gotten older but it's been an ongoing and regular thing. I have migraines too) and I had a pretty bad anxiety spike that Wednesday evening, but nothing intolerable.

I'm so happy on these meds, and it's really nice to hear from someone who has been on them for a long time and is still having a good response to and from them, so thank you so much for the message.

#adhd #mental health #elvanse #msbeeinmybonnet #ask #posting this because i want others to see the izzy brains and bodies comparison #and also because i appreciate the comment on elvanse that makes me feel good about long-term use and want it to be available for others #plus i get to keep the message and reply

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maladaptations · 21 days

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adhd meds are a gift from god science. thank you so much meds. i feel like a had a fulfilling day even though all i did was go to work, send 2 emails, go to class, and get takeout dinner. this is the first time I’ve ever had a thought to do something and then executed it without agonizing over it/stressing about doing it/ultimately not doing it bc it was making me upset & stress and more distracted.

is this how everyone else has been living? to think and then simply do? to simply email the nice comic shop store 2 questions that have been festering in the back of your head for 2 weeks… and then they respond within 30 minutes resolving everything? how much time and stress have i produced for myself… because of myself?

why is adhd so stigmatized that parents would rather it be left undiagnosed and untreated because of their own personal shame—that they didn’t create a perfect child or that their friends & family may think they have a crazy, broken kid. (well if you never tell them, they’d never know. how about tell yourself to shut up? how about care about your child and keep private personal stuff private?). neglecting something that has been actively and systematically made my life so difficult and miserable and increasingly unbearable… to fight your brain, to fight your body, to fight your own will to get you to do anything. to have all your wants and hobbies and joy be killed by your own brain. nothing was fun. anything worth doing was because people expected this thing by this date. doing something for yourself, though? never worth it because you’re your own unreliable narrator.

now on meds, i can’t believe life would be this way. that life wasn’t always a committee of 100 people where no matter consensus everyone was unhappy. that my mind could be quiet? that my mind listened to me? 😭 that my mind could care about what i wanted for once?? (i will need to reserve more time to cry about those last 2 sentences.) …for so long i was… almost happier when people didn’t understand what i was saying—distant tangents and obscure/esoteric examples and unknowingly speaking in metaphors and riddles— because if people couldn’t understand, they couldn’t judge… but either way, it showed they’d never cared to listen for what i was trying to say. to speak the same language but not be heard. may as well have been screaming into the wind. may as well have been a ghost.

well, now i can speak. i could speak before, of course, but now i can be heard. what will i do with this new superpower! for the first time in my life i have agency over my own agency! wow

i think. i think i want to crack open that textbook i bought myself 6 years ago when i wanted to learn about XYZ. I’ve bought myself countless presents over the years (entreatments/bribes to myself to be kinder to myself). they never felt as satisfying as the journey it was research and buy them, but now tho! now with my new brain, im actually excited! to smell paper, to learn something new and purely for myself and my own weird interests! to have knowledge in my brain purely for myself and not for work! to keep a piece of myself for me and me alone! what a treat. oh baby. this is a whole new world.

#days #adhd #bolded the bits i liked best #i cried but i’ll be okay

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the-abyss-gazes-into-you · 8 months

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Guess what! I'm back!

(zero people cheered)

Anyways. I completely forgot I made the earlier post and thank gods I don't have to write it all down again. I don't know how I slid back here, I guess I just got overwhelmed by everything I wanted to do. I started playing Minecraft again during the summer, I still have so many sewing projects queued that I don't go thrifting because there's no space in my wardrobe for any more pieces and it would be just lying around, I haven't written anything and I got several books for school at the library on Tuesday and barely opened the first one. For the past few days I've been having terrible headaches, sensory overload to the point I was either putting earplugs in my ears or cursing myself for forgetting them at home and have already forgotten to take my meds twice. I'm just glad I have Ernie, pretty much my emotional support bunny now since she learned to trust me.

Yesterday I was at another shift at the café and my coworker asked if I was okay, that I seemed scattered. So I told her about being overwhelmed by sound and that also I wanted to get tested for ASD (because I was hoping it would explain to her my confusion at some social interactions and genuinely not knowing why and how to ask customers if they want anything else because her colleague never asked me to do that...) and, as kind of expected, which is why I hadn't told her before that, she said that she thinks autism looks different. I was prepared for that, telling her that she only sees me twice a week for less than three hours and hasn't seen me on the really bad days, plus she used to meet me only before school started (when I wasn't so scattered).

Which kind of made me think of something I'd like to talk about today.

I've known about my autism for half a year now and during the summer I sometimes wondered if it was true, because the social anxiety got better, sensory issues got better, I kind of learned to balance routine with chaos for the ADHD part of my brain... And now it's getting worse again. You know why? Because living in the modern society is fucking exhausting even for neurotypicals.

I spent two months without having to worry about studying, grades, getting ready to come to school on time, could put my headphones on almost all the time (and I did), and I spent almost a month total with really chill people, touching a lot of grass and not having to worry about my appearance or criticism for my behaviour. Of course I got a lot better, I wasn't stressed out all day every day, but those issues still were there.

So I'd like to put some signs I wrote down in a notebook a few months ago, for myself and maybe others to see, that remind me I'm not making it up and actually am struggling with some stuff. And I'd like to note that anyone can have symptoms of anything, they don't inherently mean a disorder or illness on their own, it points to something when one is showing a combination of them. Plus, I thought of a specific thing distinguishing us from neurotypical people the other day - my sister just began high school and has started having lunch in the same cafeteria as me and mum at another school, and even though she's a very social person, the first day she asked if I could pick up her lunch and when I asked why, she just gave this little laugh, wriggled a bit and said "I'm shyyyyyy." Eventually, mum went with her and showed her the place, but I couldn't stop thinking about the difference - there were times when I didn't want to go somewhere, but I wasn't shy, I was anxious about it, I didn't know what to do, what to say, how would people respond but most of all, I was afraid of them seeing me as weird. You know, your regular old rejection sensitivity disorder. I don't think most neurotypical people get stressed about a shift at work just because they don't know if it will be a calm or a hectic one and can't get mentally ready for it. It's completely socially acceptable to be shyyyyyy, but it's weird and not normal to be panicking about taking your clothing to the dry-cleaning because people behind counter.

Anyways, I'm ending my essay and going on to the bullet points.

Special interests ("obsessions") throughout my childhood. There's a difference between a hobby and fucking brainrot from Pirates of the Caribbean to the point you're memorizing facts about pirates from an encyclopedia from the library to dump on anyone who would pretend to listen.

Physical contact is weird. I don't mind it in general but I do if people don't ask, I have no idea how hugs work and sitting next to people on public transport and any pieces of your clothing brushing with theirs is a nightmare.

I need precise and detailed instructions or I'm lost. People get annoyed of course.

Simultaneously, sometimes I'm eleven steps ahead of other people in conclusions or work. (my classmates in english don't say anything anymore when I finish a whole page in the book before they get the first exercise done because it's just patterns.)

Sensitivity to light and noise (my ADHD and ASD keep arguing about the light/dark mode on my laptop all the time so I switch it literally every five minutes), it might be the cause of all the headaches I get.

Problems with switching tasks because lmao hyperfocus.

Recognizing some patterns very easily which I think makes learning languages a lot easier for me and also helped me to learn to mask really well (my whole childhood I was just doing Ctrl + C - Ctrl + V of dialogue patterns from films and books).

Thick white edible substances tend to make me sick just looking at them and when something gets burned, I need to get out immediately or I'll start panicking.

Authorities are so complicated? I rarely communicate with people in a position of power like I'm expected to, I just don't give a shit and go with the truth, and even when I try to be very, very respectful, I sometimes cross some line and offend someone without realizing, get confused when they get mad and then feel like I'm an awful person and will end up abandoned by everyone because of it. Simultaneously, there were several times when I noticed a teacher that I respected, getting annoyed by classmates who just went on and on because apparently nobody was getting the vibes and I guess crowd effect, and was the only one trying to make them stop because it didn't work on me.

Sometimes I physically can't move on from some things because they don't make sense to me, I need to find a solution or I can't focus on anything else.

Sometimes I panic and start throwing a passive-aggressive tantrum when I get confused and frustrated that I don't understand something, nothing makes sense and I don't know what to do about it.

When I was a kid, I'd sometimes kind of throw tantrums over things like clothing not being exactly in the place where it was supposed to on my body or I started crying at a GoT-themed summer camp when they put me in a different house than the one I was emotionally attached to from the previous year (no, I still haven't seen the show or read the books, I have no idea why they made it a theme at a summer camp for kids.)

Stimming and repetitive behaviours like spitting in the sink until it feels right in my mouth, blinking with one eye and then the other, getting the other hand wet when one already is, rocking back and forth while I'm waiting at the cash register for a long time, picking on my skin...

A lot of the time I just have no idea how I feel. Though mostly when I get stressed and overloaded.

Stuff like when I put a clean cup in the sink, it gets "contaminated" and I need to wash it or I touch the hole between bricks on the sidewalk with my shoe and get "contaminated" and need to get it off or go back and take the step again to be able to continue.)

If you make a sarcastic joke and make it sound and look serious, don't expect me to get it, alright? I'll just start dissecting it.

Organizing literally anything sparks so much joy

Dependence on routines and plans way in advance and getting completely lost when they change.

Infodumping because I don't know how to pick out important information and everything is interesting.

Memorising whole scenes and films by heart (there was a time when I could quote the entirety of MLP Equestria Girls word by word.)

I literally went to my friend's drinking and weed birthday party with a toothbrush and toothpaste. The only reason I didn't bring pyjamas is that I forgot to take it.

I'm half-asleep now so just bye and I hope this is useful for someone. :)

#neurodiversity #autism #kinda adhd as well #and some ranting #enjoy #bye

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thatndginger · 11 months

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19, 28, and 40 for the weird questions

thanks for the ask Ria! From this post.

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

according to my mom, I started writing '2 days after birth''. It's kinda just something I've always done? I was always a quiet kid, always telling stories to myself, writing but rarely sharing. I honestly can't remember a specific time in my life where I wasn't telling myself stories. As for bumps, there's been many. I've suffered from severe depression for over half my life (jfc I'm only 25...) so there have been very long gaps where nothing really got done. I would still tell stories in my head, but I couldn't write them down in any form. I never finished anything I started, and would go through fits of self-loathing that resulted in deleting entire years' worth of work. But, after getting an ADHD diagnosis and some dedicated self-improvement, I got a lot better. I managed to start actually write things down, to save them (sometimes in triplicate), and started thinking of what I could do with a project once I finished it. I can directly track the genesis of Shapeshifter to me getting on medication. Like, almost to the month.

Right now, I'm pretty damn happy with myself as a writer. I've still got places to improve, and I'm never gonna stop trying to improve, but I don't hate anything I write. I've started sharing my writing with others, even hazarding to share the rough drafts with trusted friends, and making friends who I feel comfortable sharing ideas with. What I want to do eventually is to finish Shapeshifter's first draft, share it around, and decide if it's worth it to subject myself to the publishing landscape. After that.... well, there's a whole world in Shapeshifter to explore, another one in War Witch. Who knows what I could do?

28. Who is the most delightful character you’ve ever written? Why?

Ok, so this is going to be a very deep cut, insider-knowledge answer, but I'd have to say Kerr McKay. Nobody who follows me knows who he is, I know :P Truth be told, I've been obsessed with Kerr since the moment he popped into my brain. I was just getting on my meds, still very much trying to dredge myself from the extreme depression I'd lived in for the last few years, and suddenly I had this bright, boisterous little dude hanging out in my head telling my all about the ridiculous exploits he wanted to get up to. I know that writing a Kerr-centric scene will almost always turn my mood for the better. He's just that kind of character.

40. Please share a poem with me, I need it.

"She is hiding in the shadows,

very, very dear,

fondly, fondly near;

But her light step on the threshold

never passes o'er,

and her sweet voice thrills the silence

never, never more.

Midnight, deeper than the midnight

of her wondrous hair,

hides her features fair,

seals for aye the trembling fringes

of her glorious eyes;

Granting me a clearer vision

born of tears and sighs."

-from the book "Songs From the Last West" by Porter B. Coolidge (published 1928)

#ask games #turns out you get the serious answers today #I got 'Songs From the Last West' from a library book sale #it's a pretty cool little book

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taboo-delusion · 2 years

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As a fellow ADHDer who LOVES analogies….because it’s the only I can get my point across most times….THANK YOU for your brilliant explanation! I start Concerta tomorrow morning and I’m nervous but low key not expecting it to work. I’ve been untreated for 15 years my adhd is severe and I’ve been searching for the “right” meds. My life is in shambles and I have trouble with how do I move forward in life, I can’t make up for 15 wasted years. If the meds work yay but shit what do I do with my life now and if they don’t. We’ll back to square one. I feel so alone in this journey. I’m around the age where people are hassling me regarding marriage and family and I’m struggling just to get through the day. The adhd came with severe anxiety and depression which have gotten a bit better or tolerable over time. I’ve dealt with cognitive issues and brain fog for over a decade and I’m just exhausted. I have no support regarding mental health but I have a new prescriber and she was kind and understanding and I see a new therapist Friday so hopefully I wake up tomorrow and end the day in shock that a medication actually worked. Thank you again for your post….so sorry my one sentence turned into a run on paragraph….forgive me. 😊😩

Wow. We'll, you're welcome.

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pride-of-storm · 2 years

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on the one hand i wanna talk to my doctor about maybe seeing if different meds would help more, but on the other hand i don't wanna have to deal with the tapering off and ramping up parts especially when there's no way to know if it will work even the same amount that current meds do

#you can ignore this #also when i got referral to talk to someone about potential adhd diagnosis two and a half years ago #the conclusion was that i was (...and probably still am) too depressed to tell #which is. not especially helpful but thanks for trying i guess?#like i did add another med that's sometimes used for adhd as well as depression but #i'm so fucking sick of the too-vivid dreams i've had since i started anxiety meds four years ago #at least three times a month it's been 'actually i failed a class during last semester of school and now i have to go back'#but it's not even university it's fuckin high school or junior high #i have! a bachelor's degree! actually for sure!#i don't have to go back and check my transcripts to make sure i passed the last classes i needed!#i did! i'm sure! i'm graduated! it's been over a year and a half!#last night i got in a fight with a fourteen-year-old tho so that was fun #fuck the dreams are so disorienting #they feel like any memory until i notice a discrepancy and realize #anyway i had a legit Good Brain Day last month and.#most days are so fuckin far from that and i can't think of a day anywhere near it in So long #maybe it's just that my average is lower than in the past so hitting the same peak feel like more of an outlier?#which is something to talk to my doctor about huh #i'm doing like. alright at the moment but #i'm really scared that i'm going to nosedive again as soon as i start working #but i can't fuckin exist without money so i have to do it anyway #i've been applying for jobs while Not Thinking about that but today was talking to person about a temp job starting in two weeks #and it'd be a full forty hours a week and.#can i actually do that?#but i can't make enough to live independently without working full-time #so i gotta fuckin do it anyway #....well hopefully one day of panicking will get most of it behind me #bc i gotta keep fuckin managing #storm's posts #personal

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ao3commentoftheday · 3 years

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Hello, I hope you are doing well! Thank you for the time and energy you put into this blog!

My “ask” is personal and specific, so I don’t know if you will have much in the way of feedback, but if you don’t maybe folks who follow will 🤞🏾

Early last year (squints at calendar) I discovered I have Inattentive ADHD. Retrospectively this makes a lot of sense, but I’m also an in my mid 30s so it’s kind of a lot to process a whole new understanding of yourself.

As this relates to fic it makes sense. As a teen I would hyperfocus in writing mode all evening after school. As an adult with responsibilities exchanges have worked well for me as far as deadlines producing results… but they aren’t as good for the ol’ Plot Bunny farm. I got ideas that could be enrolled in high school, okay? I want to get them out!

I understand that common writing advice is to have a routine and write regularly etc. But scheduling, planning, organizing… these are skills I have such a nonexistent grasp on right now? I’m starting to learn skills for ADHD management, but meds aren’t an option yet. So I’m trying to be patient and compassionate with myself… but I would also really like to be writing? 😅

I’m not sure what I’m looking for now that I’ve typed this out. Advice? Affirmations? Commiseration? It certainly doesn’t help to be in a lonely ship/fandom. I guess I’m hoping I’m not alone in this experience too?

You're definitely not alone! I could have written this ask myself. I fully understand what you're going through and I suffer with the same issues.

Scheduling, planning, and organizing are things that I'm able to do in a work context because I've built up a lot structure in that space. In my free time, though? No way. I've used all of that part of my mental energy at work and I don't have any left to pour into my hobbies.

What I do have is chaotic creativity.

For me, rules around writing every day or finishing one story before I start the next just don't work. If I have an idea for a thing, I need to write that thing immediately. Betas? I can't use them. I'm too impatient to be done, so I forgive myself the typos and correct them when I notice them later.

Another thing that helps is remembering that not every story needs to be a multichap. You've got a small idea, but that plot bunny just won't go away? Write a oneshot. Put the context in the summary. Drop the handful of scenes you have in your head. Move onto the next story before you forget what you're even thinking about.

I'm such a chaos gremlin that I actually write all of my fics and chapters directly into the work posting form on AO3. I do this despite knowing that if a glitch happens or the site goes down while I'm writing or I accidentally navigate away from it that all of my writing is lost. I would much rather lose 3K but have it out of my head than wait the extra time it takes to write it out in google docs first and then copy/paste it over.

Let yourself be messy. Let yourself be disorganized or distracted or chaotic. Write five different WIPs at the same time and update whichever one is making your brain sing in that particular moment. Fic is your free time activity, so let yourself be free with it, and whatever ends up working as a way to get the words out just do that.

Don't force yourself to follow rules that aren't working for you. ❤

#asks and answers

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blackwidownat2814 · 2 years

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Roll the Dice (B.B)

Summary:

Then.

After an argument with your mother, you rage-search for a new job, eventually landing on the homepage of your local county and off the cuff, apply for an opening at the library you frequented as a child.

Your first day on the job changed your life. A few years later, you got your Master’s in Library Science, and left your hometown...

…and you ended up in Manhattan at the New York Public Library, a few blocks from a certain Tower.

And after meeting the Black Widow herself, Natasha Romanoff, when she, Captain America, the Falcon, Wanda, and Thor came to do a program for the kids one weekend, Nat and Captain Rogers (“Please, call me Steve.”) invited you back to the Tower to meet the rest of the team.

And the rest, as they say, is history…

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word Count: 3490

Warnings: fluff.

A/N: I haven’t written anything in almost three(?) years. I just stopped. But then, I sat down in March 2021 to watch The Falcon & the Winter Soldier and my brain started poking me to write so many different plot bunnies, y’all have no idea. I was inspired to actually finish something thanks to @pellucid-constellations #LoveLettersWritingChallenge.

I am new to writing reader insert fic, so I wrote what I know and that’s being Latina. I am constantly reading up on how to make reader insert fics more inclusive, so I will try to make it less specific next time I write. However, once again, I am Latina so that might come up now and again, while I get used to writing all inclusively.

Also, thanks to @beefybuckrrito for all the help in beta-ing this oneshot! You the best queen! Another shout out to my girl Col @foreverindreamlandd for no reason other than she’s awesome!

‼️⚠️I do not give permission for any of my work to be copied, translated or reposted anywhere else but on my own blog.⚠️‼️

Masterlist

Now.

A knock on the door brings you out of your stupor. You’d been staring at your reflection in the mirror for the past 30 minutes.

You should probably take your ADHD meds on a day like this.

Another knock and Nat steps into the room, with Wanda in tow.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Like I need my meds.” Nat laughs and rolls her eyes, while Wanda waves her hand and your pill case floats out of your bag on the couch and over to you.

“Thanks, Wan.” You down your first pill and the pill case floats away.

“I’ll hold onto these for now and hand them over later.”

“Perfect.” You take another sip of water and look back at your friends. “So, what’s up?”

“Bucky gave me this for you.” Nat handed over a small(ish) black box and an envelope. Your eyes widened when you saw the gold embossed -HW- on the top.

“Oh my God, he didn’t.”

“He did.” Wanda gave you a big smile.

“Oh wow. Um…” You placed the items on the vanity and went over to where your robe lay discarded, pulling an envelope from the pocket. “I wrote something for Bucky too. Can you give it to him Wanda? And please tell him that the other envelope inside this one is his gift, but he can’t open it until right before dinner? Make sure you give him a Look, so he knows I mean business.”

“Of course.” Wanda took the letter and left.

“Do you want me to stay?” asked Nat, “Or would you rather I let you read that in private?”

“I’d like a moment alone, if it’s cool.”

“Of course.” Nat gives you a hug and goes to leave. “I’ll be right outside if you need anything.” She leaves you with a smile, and you turn to the envelope, where Bucky’s ‘chicken scratch’-

“Chicken scratch?! Sweetheart, my handwritin’ is impeccable.”

You stare him down with a bored look on your face, arms crossed, and raise an eyebrow.

“It is, too!”

You keep staring.

“Stevie!” Bucky calls over to his best friend who’d just walked into the common room of the Tower.

“What’s up, Buck?”

“I need ya to settle an argument ‘tween me and my girl: she says my handwritin’ is the worst and-”

“Buck, your handwriting is shit.”

“Damnit!”

-spells My Doll on the front. You open the envelope and laugh when you recognize the Avengers stationary one of your coworkers gave you as a funny gift. You kept it in your desk in the apartment you two shared.

Taking a deep breath, you unfolded the letter and began to read.

My Doll, my sweetheart, my love…

I’m not the best with words. You know this. Everyone does, if we’re being honest. But I’m going to try my best.

I love you so much. I think (as cheesy as this sounds) I’ve loved you since the day we met when you came to see Nat at the Tower that first time. You were so nervous, despite having met so much of the team already. I wanted so badly to talk to you that day, but I was scared you wouldn’t want to talk to me at all. Sure, I’d been pardoned, but why would someone made of sunshine and happiness want to know me? But then, I went to the library one day, just to see you and maybe say Hi. I heard you talking to some lady who told you to make sure you stayed away from me. I’ll never forget what you said to her: ‘But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner who needed it most?’ You hit that lady with a Mark Twain quote (I looked it up later) and she was speechless. That’s when I knew you were the one for me.

You didn’t even blink or look at me like I’m a murder when I told you everything the Soldier did. You’ve stood by me through nightmares and sleepless nights and the mood swings and everything else. There were times when I was sure that when I came back to the apartment, you and your stuff would be gone or you’d be sitting in our living room, waiting to tell me all the reasons you were leaving me. I was so sure that one day, I’d come home and Alpine would be meowing at the door because her ma was gone and hadn’t come back. Every day I came home to find you there (even if you weren’t speaking to me because I was an asshole), I was happier than the last. You helped me to stop retreating into my brain on the bad days.

I gotta end here, ‘cause Nat is staring at me and she’s scary. I hope you like the gift I sent along. I know how much your abuela meant to you, and I wanted you to have this today. I had it cleaned up and restored; it’s all the same jewels, just the parts holding them in place were fixed or added since some were missing.

I’ll see you later, okay doll?

Love,

Your Bucky

PS: I love you.

Below Bucky’s letter is part of a quote from one of your favorite movies, The Young Victoria:

“You are my whole existence. And I will love you until my last breath.”

You laugh, tears had started flowing at the letter’s greeting, because you remember watching that movie with Bucky, and he complained several times-

“Where’s the action, doll?” “It’s a romance, Buck, and a period piece. You should know all about period pieces.” “She died 16 years before I was born. And wasn’t that guy her cousin?” “Yes, but…the movie’s so good, it helps you forget that. Just…ugh! Just let me enjoy the love story, old man!” Five minutes later, he fell asleep. You would never begrudge him his sleep time, since he often had trouble doing so. You let him sleep, and finished the movie.

-and you were 1000% positive that he’d been out cold when Albert said that very line to Victoria. Apparently, he wasn’t.

You put the letter down on the vanity, and pick up the package. You open the box, and nestled in black velvet is a cluster bangle bracelet made of diamonds and emeralds. When your beloved abuela died years ago, it was one of the things left to you in her Will. You remember telling Bucky about it and how you dreamed of getting it fixed one day.

Once again, you’re brought out of your thoughts by a knock on the door and Nat comes back in.

“I’m glad we waited to do your makeup.” She smiles and lifts you from your seat, into a hug. “Want me to help you put it on?”

“Please.” Nat takes the bracelet carefully and clips it on.

“This probably qualifies as ‘something old’, don’t you think?”

Meanwhile.

“You know, James, you have nothing to worry about.”

Bucky’s head snapped over to the doorway to see Wanda.

“We’ve talked about goin’ into my head, Wanda. You know how much I hate that.” Bucky turns away from her and goes back to watching a video of you he has on his phone, one of his favorites: you’re sitting on a table, legs dangling, watching some of the team talking to a group of kids at the library. One of the kids in the group raises his hand for a question…

A couple years ago…

“Mr. Thor!”

“Yes, small child?”

“How strong are you Mr. Thor?!”

“I am very strong! I’ve fought the Hulk-”

Several little gasps are heard.

“-and survived.”

“You did, Mr. Thor?”

“‘Course I did.”

“Can you show us how strong you are, Mr. Thor? Please?”

“I’d love nothing more! Come on over.” The kid runs up and Thor picks him up with one hand, balancing him on his palm. Then, he slowly starts to lift his arm above his head and the kid looks like he just won a lifetime supply of his favorite candy.

Thor puts the kid down and he runs back to sit with his friends.

“Show us some more!”

“You all want to see more displays of my feats of strength?”

“YES!!!!!”

Thor appeared to be thinking real hard, when he suddenly smiled and looked over at you.

“No.”

“My Lady…”

“Thor-”

“I’m sure Sergeant Barnes has no objections.” Thor looked right at the camera, “Do you, Sergeant Barnes?”

“Thor, we’ve known each other for years and I’ve told you to call me Bucky”, says the voice behind the phone, but Thor just shrugs. The camera pans to you. “Come on doll, do it for the kids.”

“YAY MISS!! DO IT!!!”

“Fine.” The kids cheered loudly once more, and you went to stand next to your friend. “How do you want to do this?”

“Get up here.” Thor takes your hand and assists you in sitting on the table (a different one) behind him. You shifted onto your side, and propped your head up on your hand. “Are you ready my lady?”

“Let’s do it.”

Thor went over to the end of the table and grabbed it. The kids cheered as he slowly lifted the table with two hands. Thor then maneuvered himself so he was standing under the table, holding it (and you) right above his head.

“Can you give a cheer for Thor everyone?” you called out to the crowd. It was almost deafening with the yells and screams and claps, and you mentally thanked Tony for having soundproof walls installed at the library for you after several complaints about noise anytime any of the Avengers came to visit.

“Can you do it with one hand Mr. Thor?”

“Small child…I am Asgardian and the God of Thunder!” Thor moved a hand to his waist, shifting the table to a single hand and then up onto his finger tips.

Bucky zoomed the video in then, focusing on your face when you looked over at him and smiled. You smiled big and held up your hand with the sign for ‘I love you’.

That’s when the video stops.

“You know I’d never do that without your permission”, replied Wanda. “You’re projecting nerves.”

“Oh…sorry.” Bucky closes the photo gallery on his phone and looks at his background, another picture of you, this time it’s a picture from the NYE party Tony threw a few months ago: you’re wearing a party hat, oversized sunglasses, and a fake mustache (you spent so much time in the photo booth he got for the occasion).

“It’s not your fault.” Wanda walks over to Bucky and takes a seat next to him. “Like, I said, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be okay.”

“I thought seein’ the future was Strange’s thing.”

“It is. But while you are projecting nerves, she projects nothing but love…for you.”

Bucky can’t help but sniffle at Wanda’s observance.

“Here.” She hands him a thick envelope with My Sergeant in your looping scrawl on the front. “She says to not open the other envelope in there, it’s your gift but it’s not to be opened until before dinner.”

Bucky slips a finger under the flap of the envelope and pulls out the gift.

“I’m sure it’s o-” Bucky looks at Wanda, his words dying in his mouth. “Of course. I promise I won’t open it.” He tucks the smaller envelope in the inside pocket of his suit jacket.

A knock at the door has them both looking up to see Steve stick his head into the room.

“How’s it going in here, Buck?”

“I’m fine, punk. Wanda was deliverin’ my girl’s letter.”

“Ah. Well, I’ll let you be so you can read in private. You’ve got about 45 minutes, by the way.”

“I need to be going as well.” Wanda stood and smoothed out the wrinkles in the skirt of her steel blue tea length dress. She placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, “Relax…and breathe.”

“Will do. See you in a bit.”

Bucky waits until Wanda shuts the door to unfold the letter from you, and laughs. The way you both wrote your letters says tons about each of you: while he used Avengers stationary with some random pen he found in the apartment, you used your fountain pen and fancy paper.

Settling back into the couch, he began to read.

My Darling…

I remember the first time I saw you. From that first second, I wanted to get to know you, the real you, and not what the history books or the news programs and documentaries taught us. It took some time, but eventually, well…look where we’re at.

I fought against the dark cloud in my brain for so long (still do sometimes). I fought against sharing it all with you, because how could I? My problems were nothing compared to yours. How dare I complain that grandma didn’t love me when those people (if they even deserve being called that) did what they did to you for so many years. But one day, after dad died, I broke down and told you everything. Not once did you stop me and tell me to stop complaining and crying because others have it worse. You made my feelings valid. I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself. You became my family when I had none.

You would think someone with an English Literature degree would have so much more to say. I just don’t know how else to tell you I love you. How do I express that my heart feels so full every day and it’s all because of you? Even on the days you’re being an asshole or I’m being a bitch (don’t shake your head because I know there are days).

You even put up with me when that cloud comes back and plants nasty thoughts in my brain. Do you know how many times I sat in our bedroom, waiting for you to come home and tell me you found someone prettier, thinner, smarter, more worthy of your time? I thought I learned how to hide it, but you always knew. You were patient and reassuring and reminded me why you loved me.

You are my everything. My always. I promise there will never be a time that I don’t love you. You are my best friend, my rock, and the reason home is home.

Love,

Your Girl

“You find somebody you like and roll the dice.

That’s all anybody can do.”

-Ron

A few hours later.

“So. How do you feel…Mrs. Barnes?”

“Completely and perfectly and incandescently happy.”

“That movie came out almost 20 years ago.”

“Your point?”

You and Bucky were just outside the reception, waiting to be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Barnes for the first time. The ceremony had been beautiful; Thor walked you down the aisle and Sam got ordained especially for the occasion. You cried, Bucky cried, Steve cried, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when you read your vows to each other. Tony wept like he was Albert in The Birdcage. It was perfect.

“Have I told you how gorgeous you look, Mrs. Barnes?”

You pretended to think, tapping your chin.

“Don’t think so. Not enough anyways.”

“Well, beautiful isn’t enough to describe ya. Neither is gorgeous.” Bucky steps back to give you a once over. “I think I’ll go with ethereal. Yeah. Ethereal.”

You pull him to you, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“I love you so much.” Leaning forward, you smile into the kiss, thinking how you don’t have to be on the tips of your toes when you kiss him today because of your heels. They’re gorgeous, bright red, and you picked them out to honor one of your favorite singers. However, you couldn’t wait to switch to comfy shoes after your first dance: Wanda and Nat had gifted you custom wedding Converse to change into.

You pull away from the kiss, and Bucky chases after you with his lips.

“Where you goin’ doll?” You swipe your thumb over his lips to try and get rid of the bright red lipstick.

“Your gift! It’s time to open it!”

In all honesty, Bucky had forgotten about the envelope in his jacket. Once he’d seen you walking down the aisle, his brain had gone completely blank.

“Oh right.” You step away from him and he reaches into his jacket. Opening the envelope, he pulls out a picture. He notices something written on the back:

Baby Barnes

Due: October 2023

Happy Halloween Daddy!

Saying nothing, Bucky slowly flips the picture over to see the sonogram of his child. He still hasn’t said anything after a few minutes. You’re worried, and about to say something when Nat appears.

“Are you two ready? Scott’s about to announce you.” She looks over at you and you’re trying to chew a nail off. “Are you okay?”

“Um…I’m fine.” You both look over at Bucky, who’s still staring at the sonogram.

“OH. You told him.” Bucky’s head shoots up in your direction.

“You knew?”

“I went with her to see the doc.” Bucky tears his eyes from Nat and looks over at you. “I’ll tell Scott to give you five.” She disappeared into the ballroom, leaving you and your new husband alone.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky. I didn’t know how you felt about all this.” You back away from him, wringing your hands. “The last few hours have been perfect, beyond so. I’ll uh…I’ll call Andy after dinner and get everything taken care of. It shouldn’t take too long to fix and we’ll be out of your hair. I’ll be sure to tell Nat not to say anything.”

You move away and go to stand in front of the doors, praying that you can hold it together a few more hours. You close your eyes and take a deep breath, as Bucky hurries over to you.

“Wait. What are you talking about? Why would you call Barber? He’s just…a lawyer.” Bucky looks at the picture and then back at you. “Doll?”

“I love you but, you don’t want this.” You put a hand over your middle. “And that’s fine. We never talked about it and we should’ve, so I’m sorry about that. But I’m keeping th-”

Bucky sweeps you off your feet and spins you around, peppering your face with kisses.

“You can’t marry me and then tell me I’m going to be a father all in one day. I think my brain broke for a second. You know everything isn’t alright up there!” He kisses you again. “You’ve made me happier than I ever thought I could be.”

“You mean that?”

“‘Course I do.”

“Good. I didn’t want to have to divorce you that quickly.”

You’re both laughing when the doors to the ballroom open.

“And now, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes everyone!”

Bucky grabs your hand and pulls you in, hurrying to the middle of the dance floor where Scott stands with a mic. Bucky takes it from him practically shoves him off the dance floor.

“Everyone quiet down! I need to say something!” He looks over at you for approval (which he realizes he should’ve gotten before saying anything).

“Go ahead”, you reply with a huge smile.

“WE’RE HAVING A BABY!”

A/N: Dividers made by @silkholland

A/N 2: Story header made by me in Canva. Photos used in it are not mine (I got the Sebastian photos off of Pinterest and I used Google Images for the other two as well.)

#Bucky Barnes #Bucky Barnes x reader #Bucky Barnes x female!reader #Bucky Barnes x fem!reader #Bucky Barnes x latina!reader #Bucky Barnes x insecure!reader #Bucky Barnes x you #Bucky x reader #Bucky x female!reader #Bucky x fem!reader #Bucky x latina!reader #Bucky x insecure!reader #Bucky x you #Loveletterswritingchallenge #pellucid constellations

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lululawrence · 3 years

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Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.

#long post #rant #i almost deleted this #but you sent it on just the right day and instead i let loose #this is unedited and unbetaed lmao but ENJOY #or don't #whatever #writing stuff #i should tag it #writing SHIT #but that's not really a tag i keep cause who wants to keep track of the negatives #not me

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iayhifbigyakwiltbsywps · 3 years

Text

Fuckkk I had something really long written but my connection failed and now I can’t find it but this is important if you or someone you know has adhd and takes stimulant medications like methylphenidate. This will probably be weird because I wrote the original like 12 hours ago and I just got home so if the other one magically reappears then they will be really different.

Basically I wanted to make people aware that taking stimulant medications has the potential to do more harm than good. I have adhd and have drank concerta since the third grade and im currently in 11th. I have been noticing throughout the 2019-now time period that I really have lost all motivation and that I don’t really have interest in anything even getting up to eat. And I was like ‘well that’s not alright’ and so I did what every one does: I googled it. I asked google “can adhd medications cause brain damage and lessen motivation?” And honestly I was not really expecting an answer, kinda just hoping to see blankness and be relived that it was just something random I thought. Boy was I surprised.

I actually found this:

This is literally the answer I was too scared to find because a) it proved my suspicions correct and did kinda bring a different kind of relief in knowing I’m not just hysteric and b) this hit wayyy too close to home. The part in blue feels wayyy too familiar to me because all I do Is be on my bed on my phone most of tinge time and my parants keep getting concerned and like “go get a job, find a hobby, do something!” And I am honestly strangely alright with my situation, like I hate it but I still don’t try to change it because I can’t!

Forgot what else I could of said there on the fist draft, but onto the next peice of evidence!

This pretty much said that this meds were tested on rats and that the rats ended up losing all motivation to even react when they should be looking to escape a bad situation. That once the medication stops we no longer have drive to motivation.

This also states that the nucleus accumbens is the part of the brain that forms motivation into action and when you take these meds your actually risking it shrinking and leading to no motivational drive.

Also that there are other options if you are convinced you or your child needs help to lead a successful life then there are other options that are not stimulants!

I also found some videos but could only resurfaced one which I think is the most important: https://youtu.be/nif8TFPhjuI

This video basically talks about one of the beginning trails of adhd medications that ended up being a huge success after the recorded 14 months that this trial was conducted, but what most people who do their research probably don’t dig deep enough to check that after they took the pills away they came back 3 years later to see how they faired. Turns out that the my were actually worse and the adhd was too much or something. ( sorry I’m trying to remember what I wrote but I only slept like 10 minutes last night and it’s already 1am so my eyes are shutting)

I can’t remember much right nos but if I find the other articles or videos Ik re log or something.

Here are the links to the articles:

https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/06/09/fewer-prescriptions-for-adhd-less-drug-abuse/adhd-drugs-have-long-term-risks

https://www.leonardsax.com/stimulants.htm

There were more but I’m fighting To stay awake right now sorry.

Oh I just remembered something:

This is what happens when you give stimulants to a brain that is underdeveloped (brains aren’t yet developed until they are like 21) so if y’all need meds try taking non stimulants or else you’ll just cause growth problems for yourself

I really hope some people find this useful and that no one goes through what I am cuz it really kinda sucks and I hate it but I can’t do much to change it.

Also after hours trying to figure out a way to tell my mom I had finally told her and you know what she said? She said “if we take you of these meds will you promise to try to care about yourself more?” And like I didn’t say anything but sure mom I totally didn’t just work up the courage to try and tell you within the day I found this informants on when it would usually take me months to say things I think are important but yeah I totally need to try a bit more ugh!

Honestly I think it’s shit that I’m not even 18 yet and I already feel like all my fight has gone out of me. Like if it weren’t for my parents that actually care about me I would of let myself starve to death. And now there’s no way to thank them because I can barely move to get food much less show them my thanks. Mom dad I love you and I’m sorry my brain if fucked up.

Hi just a little edit here, I wanted to say that both articles are by the same person I just put the second one because the link didn’t work for me so I had to look for their actual page that was mentioned. But also I read further down on the second article and I saw there are more links to other related articles in the second link where this person wrote their actual research and citations

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