iayhifbigyakwiltbsywps

[iayhifbigyakwiltbsywps]

The biggest lie in all of aftg:

(The Raven King, ch.7)

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I don't know why, but for some reason, I always think the Nicky and Aaron grew up together. But they didn't.

They grew up on opposite sides of the country, over two thousand miles apart. Aaron didn’t move to South Carolina until he was around 13, and Nicky was 16. Then Nicky moved to Germany less than a year later.

They would have barely known each other. Nicky said himself that he was too depressed to pay Aaron any mind when he moved to Columbia. And he'd never even met Andrew before Tilda died.

But he still came back. He came back to a place and a family that had almost been the end of him, for a boy he hardly knew, and another that he absolutely didn't.

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I can't remember whether Neil has canonically killed anyone, but for my own amusement I like to pretend he hasn't because it's just... so fucking funny if he hasn't and Aaron has.

I don't know who would be more annoyed that Aaron "pre-med student, nerd, dating a cheerleader" Minyard has killed a man and Neil "runaway son of a mobster, technically owned by the Yakuza, has been kidnapped" Josten hasn't, Neil or Aaron.

Them bickering and Neil being like "You wouldn't have survived a single day on the run from my father" and Aaron raising an unimpressed eyebrow and saying "Oh really? How many people have you killed? At least I know when it comes down to it I'm ready to do it, you just stand there and freeze." and Neil seething because fuck, he kind of has a point.

Or Aaron saying something about how he has a moral compass and Neil doesn't and Neil going "Okay, murderer." and Aaron realizing in horror he has killed 1 (one) more person than Neil Fucking Josten.

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Do you understand how much kevin respects neil? And i don't mean when it comes to exy, like sure there's a whole lot of you're not good enough followed by you will make court bluh bluh bluh, i mean fundamentally as a human.

Kevin and Neil's conversation after the truth of Neil's father is revealed drives me absolutely insane because I think it highlights a lot about how Kevin views Neil.

so indulge me for a bit....

I think a lot of people forget, in light of Andrew choking Kevin for not telling him the truth, that Kevin's initial reaction was to tell Neil to run.

*sorry for the quality - these are all screenshots off my phone

Kevin's instinct is to tell Neil to save himself, despite what that would mean for the team's success and for Kevin himself. This is significant to me for two reasons.

It highlights that Kevin genuinely cares about Neil outside of his exy potential. For most people, this would be a pretty obvious response to finding out your teammate has a guaranteed death sentence if they stick around, so it might not seem all that meaningful, but Kevin was raised in such an environment were you continued to play no matter what - even at the risk of death. Kevin is unflinchingly callous when it comes to exy and his teammates (*see his reaction to Seth's death), but he is frantic in his concern for Neil in contrast to his fairly passive response to basically anyone else's wellbeing outside of exy. Neil's death will have no real impact on Kevin. If Neil dies or goes to the ravens, nothing changes for Kevin. He is not at a greater risk of being hurt by Riko or the Moriyama's nor will his exy career be effected. That's not to say he would tell Neil to stay if he cared about him any less, but there is a desperation that implies a depth beyond just that of a teammate.

The fact that Kevin is frantic and desperate for Neil to leave, gives weight to his decision to keep teaching Neil in the aftermath of the revelation.

Neil doesn't want to run - he wants to be Neil Josten until the end. He gave Kevin his game and now he's asking him to keep it and Kevin obliges.

This is essentially Kevin promising that he will keep Neil's secret. He will allow Neil to wear his mask and continue teaching him despite the fact that Neil is essentially a dead man walking. This, to me, is Kevin ultimately respecting Neil and his choice. At any moment, Kevin has the ability to got to Wymack or Andrew and give Neil the chance at surviving, but that would mean betraying Neil.

Some people (certainly the foxes) would view refusing Neil's request as the proper and morally correct thing to do. But I think Kevin's immediate acceptance of Neil's decision is both immensely meaningful to Neil and also a signifier of a shared understanding between to two.

Imagine how impactful it must be for Neil, who has never had autonomy over his own life and has been marked for death basically since he was born, to be told that not only will his decisions and his autonomy be respected, but there is someone who will stand by his side on the court, knowing the whole truth, until the very end.

Kevin doesn't have much to offer Neil at this point. He can not give him a future - he'll be long dead before he can ever make court, and Kevin is a coward - he is not andrew, he can't stand up against the Moriyama's or Riko or Neil's father. Kevin can not protect Neil in a way that matters. All he can do is promise to keep Neil's secret and offer him a few more months of being Neil Josten.

I'm not including this to disparage Andrew or to suggest that he does not respect Neil, but this highlights that Kevin knows the decision to keep Neil's secret is one only Kevin would make. Andrew without a doubt would immediately try to get Neil to leave or attempt to get him into protection. I'm not passing a judgement of morality on what would've been the right thing to do, but I do think Kevin's reaction is indicative of the fact that Neil and Kevin understand each other in a way that no one else really will.

Neil and Kevin are a parallel's in a number of ways. Kevin lived the life that Neil was supposed to have and they are two parts of one story.

To them exy is not a game, but it's not really about exy either. It's about deciding to stay just to play for a couple more months even though you'll wind up dead because playing means you finally get to live after years of being a ghost. It's about playing to be the best no matter what, even though the consequences are having your hand smashed and the life you know completely demolished. It's about playing even though you're shaking with fear and anxiety because you need proof that your life, whether it be running to survive or living under an abusive hand, was not a waste.

Kevin agrees to keep Neil's secret because if the roles were reversed, Kevin would like to believe that he'd be strong enough to ask Neil for the same thing. This is obviously conjecture and a heavy heavy reading between the lines, but I'd like to think there's some truth there.

Finishing up with this line because it makes me a little emotional.

Kevin starts the conversation by calling Neil "Nathaniel" and ends it by calling him Neil again. Its right there in the text, "it was a promise". Kevin is offering Neil a life that is fully his - not his father's, not Riko's, but Neil's to do with what he would like, even if its only for a couple more months. If that's not respect, than I don't know what is.

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[iayhifbigyakwiltbsywps]

protective andrew…… protective andrew…………

bonus under the cut 🥺

Keep reading

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☆:"Jean Moreau came back to himself in pieces, dragging himself together as he had a thousand mornings before..."

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“You are a mess.”

“What else is new?”

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I fully believe Neil sent this to the foxes post Baltimore

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i take my whiskey neat, my coffee black in my bed at three, you're too sweet for me

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my roman empire

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Neil: I’m kind of crushing on someone, I think? but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it

Matt: Just rip the bandage off!

Neil: It’s Andrew.

Matt: Put the bandage back on.

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So, I'm trans. And several years ago, I was at my great grandfather's funeral. 17, newly on T, barely out to anyone other than my close friends and family. And I'm standing there at the refreshment's table, surrounded by strangers and members of my family's church, when George walks up to me.

This man is ancient, bent like a finger and frail. Tufts of white hair surround his wrinkled face. Like always, he's wearing thick glasses, massive hearing aids, and his veteran's hat. George was my first introduction to the concept of war, when he told me as a child why he was missing two fingers on his hand. He's been a fixture at church since I can remember. I've only ever seen him at there or in uniform at parades, the rest of his time spent in a nursing home somewhere. He picks up a deviled egg and says, in his quiet voice,

"You know, before your grandfather died, he told me that now he had 3 grandsons."

I'm frozen in place. I don't know what to say to that, if I should say anything at all. This is not a conversation I expected to have, especially not with this man. But he continues.

"I didn't know what he meant! So he explained it to me."

And I can imagine it. My great grandfather, uninformed and opinionated but supportive, explaining to his friend the news he barely understood himself over after-service coffee and cookies. His eldest grandchild was now a boy.

"And, you know, I didn't know what to think."

Here, George looks me up and down. This 90-something year old war veteran, who knew me mostly as the little girl playing in the church kitchen with his wife, processing what my great grandfather had really meant. It feels like a long pause, even thought it probably passed in a second.

"But you look good. So, eh!"

And then he smiled, shrugged, and walked away without another word. If I was fine, if I was happier, then that's all that mattered.

George passed away this week, at the age of 99. This memory has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but I wasn't sure if or how I should share it. It was a conversation that meant very little, but also meant the world. It was scary, and funny, and the moment when I realized that sometimes the people you least expect will accept you. Sometimes, even if they don't fully understand, even if they barely know you, someone will choose to support you. And that will always matter.

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like father, like son 🫶

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My Roman Empire is Andrew's decision to stay in the car with Tilda during the crash. I think he could have done any other way, but he decided to do it in a way that could harm both instead of harming just her. And I think he did it because deep down he hoped he wouldn't survive either. We all know he's already passively suicidal and, if he hadn't made it, he wouldn't have had to face Aaron during the aftermath. It would have been easier to leave him and Nicky to sort themselves out, after all

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kittens🐾

[iayhifbigyakwiltbsywps]

“Who said please that made you hate the word so much?”

“I did.”

Nora please what if that was my final straw