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irisxstardust · 1 year

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1 | Shut Up

SUMMARY: You and Ellie used to be friends until one day when she decided she was done. You hadn't spoken to her since and now, five years later, you are given the unfortunate task of going on patrol with the girl. A little argument and one stalker later, you're playing her hero. But is it enough to repair the damage made to your relationship all those years ago?

A/N: wowzers. ive spent like two weeks going back and forth on this piece bc UGH i want to get into the cutie stuff but i like want that angst and slow burn yk. and i also want it to be good like this is my first real tumblr post and yall are such good writers ive got a lotta standards to meet. ugh pls tell me its not boring i dont want it to be boring since its not fluff. anyway there will be more but im not sure how fast ill be able to write it. i like really dk how many more parts i could make of this ngl like i just wanna make a happy amazing pt 2 where reader and ellie just like live happily ever after. also this is my first time writing in second person so pls give me grace if its bad lmfao. love you🫶🏻

CW: cursing, angst?/slow burn, fem!reader (she/her), CAT (🤮🤧😵‍💫)

WC: 3,688

You didn’t hate Ellie Williams, not in the slightest.

In fact, when you first met the girl you were impressed by her nonchalant attitude and how quickly she adjusted to life in Jackson. You admired the bond she shared with her companion, Joel - the closeness they shared, the softness of his voice when he spoke to her, the glint in her eyes when she looked at him. That didn’t mean you missed the way she stared off distantly in her free time, or the way she would talk to others with a certain tiredness in her voice; but it wasn’t like you could talk to her about it.

You weren’t friends with her. Well, not anymore.

Ellie and you were friends when she first arrived, you made sure of it. You were always bringing her things to make the adjustment easier: blankets, sweaters, new socks, ammunition, and a new hairbrush, among other things. She was grateful for it at first, always thanking you, hunting you down for movie nights, and inviting you over for dinner with Joel. But at some point you messed up - you did something wrong.

She slowly began to ignore you, she started returning your home-baked goods and stopped inviting you to her house to watch movies. She started to talk to you just as cold as she talked to the others. She didn’t like you anymore.

Eventually, probably tired of your haphazard attempts to fix your friendship, she snapped. You left her house in tears that day with your head down, shoulders hunched and wobbly, trying to cover the tear streaks with your hair.

Ever since you’d tried to ignore her, her words, and the wounds they made. It was hard when she consumed your every waking thought. You thought about Ellie all the time - what you did wrong, the way her hair bounced as she walked, what you said to make her hate you, that one time at dinner she accidentally choked on water and spit it out her nose, the look in her eyes as she yelled in your face, all of the science stuff she had hidden away in every crevice of her room.

Every thought you had about Ellie contradicted the other and it was all so confusing that every time you thought too hard about it your head spun.

So you quickly found yourself doing simple, menial tasks to keep your thoughts at bay. You were picking up every patrol you were allowed, volunteering at the daycare to help your mom care for the kiddos, spending any and all free time at your friends houses instead of yours. You always finished your house chores early in the morning, always walked your neighbors dog once before noon and once after, always doing whatever you could to stay out of your own mind.

So you forgot about Ellie - as best as you could, at least.

It almost worked, too. Five years you got away with it, hiding from your mind and from Ellie. Until today, the one day you had been dreading for years. The day you knew was coming.

You were partnered with Ellie for patrol.

At first, you'd spent the first three hours complaining to your friends - Jesse mostly ignored you, only cracking jokes here or there, and Dina just didn't understand why you hated Ellie so bad. Eventually you just gave in and stopped complaining, finding some solace under the heavy duvet on your bed.

Before Dina left your home she gave you a warm smile and said, "You're gonna do great." And then left you to your own devices, not realizing she was leaving you to rot in your own brain.

When the time came to get up and get ready, you found yourself picking through your clothes, trying to find the cleanest shirt to wear and the pants that fit you the best. You wanted to look nice, most people would, but you weren't sure if it was for you or for her.

You walked nervously towards the stables, taking firm, heavy breaths as you shoved your hands into your jacket pockets.

"It'll be okay... It'll be okay," you chanted the words under your breath as you neared the stables, clenching and unclenching your sweaty fists.

When you arrived, Ellie was already leading Shimmer along to the exit, hardly glancing at you.

"You're late." She said, sucking on her teeth.

You nodded slowly, inhaling sharply, "I am aware..." speaking slowly and cautiously, trying not to poke the bear. "I kind of have my own stuff, though," the pitch of your voice raised slightly, as if you were unsure of your own words, "so I got here as fast as I could."

She scoffed, her head shaking slightly which sends her short strands of hair bouncing around her ears. "Just get the fucking horse."

You walked off hastily, unfurling Japan's reigns - when Dina didn't take him out, you did, because you both liked to make sure he had enough exercise everyday. You walked him down to meet Ellie at the gate.

Ellie was standing on one foot, shifting her weight every now and then and rubbing her palms down the length of her thighs; almost as if she was rubbing something off of them. She rubbed her thumbs on Shimmer's reigns nervously, head darting back and forth to see if you were close or not.

When you came into her line of sight, she hardened up and stood taller. Her face sharpened and her eyes filled with the same distance that kept you up at night, though today they also harbored another emotion, one you were no longer privy with.

It filled you with a sense of confusion and dread, causing you to mumble incoherently under your breath.

"Fucking Williams... cold as shit... pain in my ass..." you muttered as you mounted your horse.

Giving you one last weary look, Ellie also mounted her horse. She pulled her fingers through her hair, tucking it back behind her ear as the two of you left Jackson.

The horses trotted slowly, easily stepping over the tree roots in the ground as if they had the whole route memorized.

For you, this was one of the few routes you hardly visited. It wasn't too far from Jackson, but it was just far enough that you knew it'd take up the rest of your day.

As your eyes danced between the trail ahead of you and Ellie beside you, you didn't know what to think.

Sure, you'd thought of all the ways you would yell at her and all the things you'd say if you ever got the chance again; but you'd also thought of all the ways you'd make it up to her, all the things you wanted to say to let her know you weren't the same person you used to be.

What did it matter, anyway?

You were stuck here, letting your old wounds sit and fester in the bitterness of it all. You were stuck here, next to her but unable to fill the empty silence with words. You were stuck here, on patrol with the one person who hates your guts and you couldn't do anything about it.

"It's not polite to stare, you know."

Her voice echoed through the dense trees, bouncing off branches and leaves only to worm its way back into your brain.

"I'm sorry?" you hummed, caught off guard by the sound.

Her head slightly turned in your direction and Shimmer slowed down to a light trot, matching Japan's speed. "It's not polite to stare."

Her words were much sharper the second time around, with much more emphasis placed upon them.

She's angry. Amazing. You scoffed to yourself, trying to keep hold of your composure.

"I wasn't staring..." you paused. You almost said her name, but the word caught in your throat. "At you. I wasn't staring at you."

She glanced at you sideways before she continued, "you were."

"Was not!"

"Were too."

"I wasn't staring-!"

There it was again. You'd almost said her name, but it got caught in the back of your throat, which left you to haphazardly cut off your sentence and leave her hanging, waiting for it.

She scoffed. "Yes, you were."

You closed your mouth and pressed your lips into a line, "I wasn't fucking staring at you, Williams."

"So you stare at me, deny it when I tell you it's impolite, and then can't even use my name?" She stopped her horse, leaning back in the saddle as she spoke.

And the words get caught in your throat. Your mouth dried as you slowed your own horse.

"I used your name," you whispered, blinking away the wetness in your eyes.

She laughed sourly, pulled on Shimmer's reigns and began to trot ahead of you again.

You sighed at the bitterness brewing in the pit of your stomach. You certainly fucked that up - but was it entirely your fault? Surely some of that had to go to Ellie too - I mean she's the one who broke off your friendship... she's the one who yelled at you for "staring." You weren't staring in the first place... right?

You began to question yourself, yet again, as Ellie spoke up once more.

"You're still staring."

And suddenly it's almost as if you could hear the smirk she had on her face.

"Could you fucking not? Please? I'm just trying to get to the tower and go home alive. I don't want to deal with this bullshit too."

"Stop fucking staring then," she whipped around to face you. "I definitely didn't ask for this either, so stop being a baby and get over it."

You clenched your fists and brought one to your face, rubbing your eyes with your palm.

"I'm not staring at you, El-"

You stopped talking after you finally looked directly into her eyes, catching sight movement behind her.

She began to scoff but suddenly stopped as your face changed.

"What?"

"Shut up."

You tilted your head to the side, narrowing your eyes as you focused on a shadowy figure hidden in the trees.

The figure stilled under a long branch, the leaves creating long shadows which warped around the curves of the figure.

Slowly, you reached for the pistol strapped to your thigh. Ellie's face scrunched in a mix of confusion and worry.

"Don't," you breathed, "move."

At the sound of your sharp exhale the figure screeched and aimed for Ellie, its dark eyes fixated on her.

You brought the gun up, aiming and pulling the trigger as fast as you could, but the stalker was hardly affected by the single bullet.

Ellie whipped around, yelping once before the stalker jumped on her and yanked her off of Shimmer. The stalker pinned her to the ground, its teeth already bared and ready to bite.

You pulled the trigger again. And again. And again. Until eventually the stalker slumped down above Ellie.

She pushed it off and brought herself to her feet, head whipping around to look for others.

"Do you see any more?" you asked as you scanned the area.

She shook her head, "I don't think so... holy shit."

You both sat quietly for a moment as you tried to process what just happened.

"Thanks- thanks for uh, for that," she panted, mounting Shimmer again and looking around, "that was close."

For a moment you were rendered speechless, trying to piece the puzzle back together in your brain before responding. "Yeah... of course," you paused, adding lightly, "s'what friends do." It came out a little mumbled but you knew she heard it.

You didn't keep your eyes on hers long enough to gauge her reaction, but you figured it was one full of something negative. You looked up one last time and caught her eyes, the strangest look on her face, before turning back down and looking away.

"The tower's just up that way," you hesitated, waiting for her to say - or do - something. To do anything. But she didn't, so you continued, "there shouldn't be any more in the area, they just cleared it last week."

You shifted on the saddle, cringing slightly, urging Japan to move forward again.

The rest of your route went okay - you didn't encounter anymore infected and the area is mostly barren anyway so you didn't find anything worthwhile. The tower was cleared already, too, so you and Ellie mostly found solace in your own thoughts for the rest of the route.

She didn't mention the staring thing again, opting to keep quiet instead, but you could feel her eyes meeting the side of your head every now and then.

You didn't say anything to her as you re-entered Jackson, walking side by side to the stables to put the horses back.

Ellie was brushing out Shimmer's mane as she opened her mouth to speak, "hey, thanks for earlier. Seriously. It means a lot."

You nodded, "no worries," and you paused, unsure of what to say next. Before you could, Ellie spoke up again.

"And sorry, by the way," she said, eyes darting around the stables, "for being mean."

At that, you found yourself completely dumbfounded, eyes wide, staring across the stables at her. And before you had the chance to recover from the shock she was flying out of the stables, probably heading back to Joel's house.

Within the next four minutes you'd rushed to Dina's, tripping and stumbling over your own feet, heart pounding and mind racing.

"She apologized?" Dina asked incredulously, eyebrows raised and lips turned downward, "for real?"

You shrugged, "I guess. I can't believe it either."

"Yeah, dude, she hated you for years but you play hero once and now she likes you again?" Jesse laughed, shaking his head, "bullshit."

"I never said she liked me again, Jesse. I was just telling you what happened. She apologized. That's what happened."

"Maybe she realized you aren't that bad," Dina smiled.

"Oh thanks, Dee, I'm honored."

Dina chuckled, leaning towards you and smacking your shoulder playfully, "and it's about time."

You paused, chewing on your lip as you thought of the day's events over and over and over again.

"I hope this is a new beginning for you guys, you deserve it."

You stopped your thinking, pulling yourself out of your thoughts to respond with a smile, "thanks, Dee."

"So, now that that's out of the way," Dina smiled suggestively, narrowing her eyes and raising her eyebrows, "you want to come to the bar with us later? Everyone's gonna be there."

You couldn't miss the suggestive tone in her voice, the way it dropped a pitch and she gained a mischievous glint in her eyes.

You hummed, "are they? Good for them."

Dina sighed exhaustedly, "c'mon! You never come with us! It'll be so much fun, I promise!"

"I don't know, Dina. You know I'm not one for parties."

"Well, you are tonight," she tapped the palm of her hand against the table, "because you are coming with me and we are going to dance all night and have so much fun. So much so, in fact, that you're going to completely forget how much you hate parties!"

"Oh, is that right?" You smiled as you began to chuckle.

She hummed, a particularly big grin splattered on her face.

"Yeah, your new best friend might be there too," Jesse added, which earned a nasty look from you and a disapproving look from Dina.

"Shut up!" Dina shouted, turning her attention to Jesse - which only threw you right back into your own head.

After Dina snapped you out of it, and after a lot more begging and pleading on her part, you agreed. It couldn't be that bad - right?

The party was nothing short of what you'd expected.

It was loud, crammed, kind of smelly, and definitely not the place you wanted to be spending your time.

But every time you caught Dina's eyes or you looked over in her direction, the smile on her face was enough to make you feel so deeply guilty that you stayed put. You stayed with her if she brought you out to dance and you stayed with her if she brought you to the bar to get a new drink.

It wasn't a surprise when you noticed Ellie at the bar, nursing a cold cup, staring at you with a conflicting expression. It also wasn't a surprise when Dina grabbed your hand and started dragging you in her direction, giving you one last reassuring smile.

It was a surprise, however, when Ellie greeted Dina with a hug and you with a smile.

She smiled at you.

Completely unable to quickly recover, you let Dina do the talking, trying to calm your racing heart.

"Hey, El! How're you doing?" she had to shout over the music but you knew Ellie could hear her - everyone could hear Dina.

"Pretty good! You okay?"

They began to exchange pleasantries and all the usual small talk, so you spaced out for a moment, waiting for the moment Dina would pull you away again. That moment didn't come, however, because Dina ran off without you.

"Wait - where's she going?" you yelled, eyes finally meeting Ellie's.

"Said she was gonna grab Jesse," Ellie began, eyes scanning over your outfit. "You want a drink?"

You hesitated, thinking over what happened during patrol. You lost yourself, again, and began mulling over what you could say and how she would possibly respond.

But then you began speaking, your mind not caught up yet.

"Sure!"

Ellie's face relaxed a little, and she waved you over towards a quieter area of the bar. The flannel tucked up to her elbows showcased the way her muscles flexed as she signaled Seth over to your side of the bar.

"You doing okay?" You asked as Seth walked away. "It just... looked like that stalker shook you up a bit."

She nodded, "Yeah, yeah. It was a little," she shrugged and let out a mangled noise, "nerve wracking." You both laughed.

Seth dropped your drink in front of you, giving you a sideways glance before returning to the packed end of the bar.

"You know how it goes, though," she finished. "I'm good."

"Well, that is certainly a plus."

Her lips tugged into a small grin, making you mirror the expression.

"Thanks again, by the way."

"Hey, we were partners. It was my job to have your back."

You both laughed again.

And you fell back into it. Into that easy-going, comfortable rhythm you had with her so many years ago. It was like no time had passed at all; like you were fourteen again.

And even when Dina came back she didn't hide it. You were finally able to openly talk to your two friends together again. It was like a dream.

"Hey, Ellie!" No. "I haven't seen you in forever!" No. "You look so good!" No.

"Oh! Hey, Cat!"

No.

You could almost taste the tension that had suddenly built up around the three of you; the sudden change in the air sending your head reeling and heart pounding.

Ellie and Cat exchanged pleasantries (not like you were interested or anything) as you suddenly honed in on a weirdly shaped ice cube in your drink. Poking at it with your straw, you waited for Cat to leave, holding your breath.

And in less than five minutes, you fell out of it.

You fell out of your rhythm, Ellie already ten beats ahead of you while you seemed to have changed rhythms completely.

When Cat did (finally) leave you let out a shaky breath, watching as even Ellie noticed the shift in you.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, mostly directing the apology to Dina. She turned to face Dina straight on now, no longer moving her eyes between the two of you.

"You're fine," Dina brushed it off quickly, seemingly unaware of the sudden awkwardness.

"I should uh... go anyway. Joel's waiting for me, so... you know."

"Oh, yeah, sure. We should go soon too," Dina draped an arm around your shoulders, "I have kept someone here for way too long. She's getting a little antsy." She gave you a pointed smile, a teasing tone lacing her voice.

Ellie gave Dina a half-hearted chuckle before standing and hugging her. She gave you a very awkward, sideways, one armed hug before turning around and almost running out of the building.

"You want to go now or wait a little-"

"Can we go, Dina?" you rushed, clenching your eyes shut as you rubbed the balls of your palms into your eyes. "I'm just... really tired."

Dina stared at your face, her eyes scanning yours, for an extra beat before nodding, "Yeah, of course."

At home you spent the rest of your night hiding under your duvet, pulling at large chunks of your hair with your fists, digging your heels into your bed; all the way until you finished the night tiredly blinking away tears and chewing at your lips.

It was all so confusing. One minute you're dreading even looking at her and the next you're talking and laughing with her like you're best friends - and then? Then you're sitting there like the two of you never started talking again at all, all because Ellie said hi to an old friend.

One minute she's talking to you, then the next she's talking to you through Dina.

You woke in the morning with blood dried on your lips and dark bags under your eyes. You found it hard to keep your eyes open as you brushed your teeth, and one look in the mirror showed that you were in no state to leave your home anytime soon.

Your parents left quickly for work, not giving you a second glance even as you asked them to clear your schedule for the day.

Around noon you received a familiar knock at the door, and when you opened it you saw a face that hadn't graced your porch in a few years.

"Hey, Ellie," you paused, panicking internally. "What's up?"

"Do you want to talk?"

#ellie williams x reader #tlou #tlou x reader #ellie williams #the last of us #ellie the last of us #ellie williams x female reader #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams x you

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iamthat-iam · 7 months

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hey Bry, i hope you’re doing good, i wanted to ask for help because im tired of this, like i dont know who else to ask ( 😔 ) could you please tell me what i'm doing wrong? (long text ahead)

i’ve been into Non Dualism for a while, not that much tho, i was into the Law of Assumption community and i was having that point of view and the i discovered ND. I felt like i was being blessed because the main idea of Non Dualism is so freeing. I consumed all types of ND contents you can imagine, i was in every corney of the internet looking for info and different perspectives, and i was doing…. meh. I was learning but i had my up and downs but i was slowly “detaching from ego”. Then something happened i had a few problems with a class of mine and i felt like a fell from the progress that i had. I was trying to read more and more content to try to make me understand that “hey its ok”, ofc that never worked because my teacher accused me of plagiarism and the owrse part is that is true but is not bcs of bad reasons i just used AI and wanted to make my assignments easier and my mental health was awful for me to complete them. Then i found out that my grades were low and i dont know if im going to fail, or repeat my semester, and the worse, i dont want mynparents to find out and pay for those classes. I feel awful because they’re really expensive and i just want to solve this. Believe me, im so tired of reading content and not knowing what to do. I’ve tried every “tecnique” to slowly detach from ego, but i just can’t stop thinking about these problems, they’re haunting me like crazy. I know this is just ego but, ive had so many anxiety attacks because of this like i don’t get it. I'm sorry if im sounding too demanding, im literally asking in the best way possible, what else could i do?

A lot of bloggers say “you don´t need to understand this, is your ego worrying” and others say “slowly question yourself what ego says or sees and go back to your origin” that gets me so confused and i'm exhausted. im so lost and i just want to delete everything and feel better. i know ND, is not about this, it shouldn’t make me feel like this, is just very simple. i just have too many problems like Bry i am really concerned, my mothers finances haven’t been the best and i don’t want her to pay a lor of money. I'm terrified to let go of this desire to change my grade circumstances, because I'm scared that if I do, nothing will change and everything around me will only worsen, and it feels like I've got such little time to change things. I know it might b the best to “let go” and do nothing but like, what if it stays the same. I dont even understand when people say “let it be” or i saw a girl saying “if you have a problem, dont do thing to it. ignore it and it will solve” like how??? i feel defeated and i just want to be free. im so scared to be in this position when the week ends, or by the month ends. im so lost. i feel like i only know this intellectual, but when the day passes and i say to myself “I AM” i just can’t feel it, i feel like a limited body. i give up on trying to achieve something,Ego seems so exhausting and scary and terrifying. i want to leave everything behind and be gentle with myself. what can i do? what should i do?

thank you bry if you read this fully, i really try to follow your blog and i like your kindness towards ppl. i hope u have a nice day

Im doing good ty for asking!

You have to take a leap of faith. I know it's scary to let go of control and trying to change things but if you don't, you will continue to feel like this and the problems will continue to exist. Trying to change a problem is you acknowledging that there's even a problem in the first place. Worrying about these problems are just keeping them there, because you keep acknowledging that they exist.

Your true self doesn't have problems! So when you know yourself as you really are, and are not identified with the person dealing with such and such issues, they have to go away. There's no possibility of things staying the same because everything appears and disappears based on what you are aware of.

Surrender. Just know that everything will work out in the end (because everything is already perfect).

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ppnuggie · 2 years

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HII OMG first of all, i was just stumbled upon ur account and im absolutely HOLLERING at ur chat scenarios with decepticons, especially the whip & nae nae situation 😭😭 i also read ur other written works and i absolutely love them!

OKAY OKAY SORRY I GOT OFF TRACK Since i just saw ur request box is open, can i request headcanons for Bumblebee, Optimus Prime, and Jazz— what are their tendencies or how they overall react/handle things when they’re in an argument with their S/O, and how would they handle the argument when it somehow happened in the worst timing ever (like in an emergency hideout in the middle of a battle or some sort)

sorry if my english isnt the best and i hope you understand what i meant :( thanks a lot and looking forward for more amazing works from u! <3 (also hope u’re having a great day ahead)

　　　　　　BAYVERSE x gn human reader

　　　　『　jazz ,, optimus prime ,, gender neutral human reader 』

　　-> argument w/ so

　　— angst ish ,, sfw ,, curse warning

　　— so glad you enjoy my works !! :) your english is fine ,, so dont worry <33 i get what you mean !! just make sure next time you add what continuity of transformers ,, bc i only write for bay op but not bay bee ,, :(( nor did i really know what continuity this would be suited for <//3 so hopefully this is alright ?

— also sorry for my late income of getting requests out !! this is my last week of school before summer break ,, and so ill have all summer to do requests and such ,, but unfortunately all my finals are this week :( so ive been more focused on those instead !! promises i will get requests out !! feel free to send any more ideas and requests you have !! :D i dont write for just transformers anymore either !!

optimus prime

• arguments are definitely avoided ,, especially in this case ,, but the snarky remarks of how he didnt really care for the damage he would take in battle slipped out your mouth without your notice

• at first ,, op kind of brushed it off and focused more on trying to keep you safe from decepticons ,, yet when he had taken a heavy shot to his shoulder ,, your scolding made it clear that you were mad

• he could understand why you were upset ,, he did ignore what you had just said to avoid ,, and resulted in being scolded by both you and ratchet

• though the longer you went on about how he should have listened to you ,, how he should have been careful ,, how he should’ve seen it coming ,, he cant say he didnt feel slightly upset

• he felt as though you only saw him as a child as humans called them ,, coddling him when he knew what he was getting himself into ,, he’d known that since the beginning of the war

• and with you treating him in such a way ,, even though you meant it for good ,, he still became upset with it ,, as it was bad enough ratchet wouldnt let him back out when he was cleary needed ,, and he definitely didnt need you to talk his aft off about how he should’ve listened to you

• so maybe in the brink of the moment ,, with anger boiling his energon ,, he had said some harmful words ,, some sentences he didnt mean to say ,, only meant to keep them inside his mind

• “i can handle myself perfectly well, (l/n), i dont need you to fight.”

• obviously he had already stepped over the line with how aggressive his tone was in the beginning ,, but he crossed it more as he saw your eyes widen ,, the use of your last name coldly rolled off his glossa

• you huffed and crossed your arms ,, nose scrunched into wrinkles as your eyes glowed with rage ,, “look who finally put their big boy pants on.” was all you had said before leaving him alone with the others under ratchet’s care

• op was quite furious that you had left ,, even though he stepped the line quite a bit ,, especially since you were only looking out for him as he was your significant other

• he sighed ,, shaking his helm and tried to block out the sounds of gunfire in the background

• when the battle was over and won ,, op would try to seek you out ,, yet kept deciding against it ,, telling himself you’d need time to think about how he talked to you

• he lightly scolded himself for how he reacted ,, as he had been immature to say such words to you at the time

• though it took a week or two ,, you’d finally come around ,, and he would apologize as would you

• the two of you would take the time to have a small discussion ,, and take the argument from that day as a learning point to further prevent such thing from happening again

jazz

• like op ,, arguments rarely happen with jazz ,, as he is more chill and easy going then most ,, which was quite the person to vibe to ,, he didnt really show if he was irritated or didnt like someone often ,, and he was quite friendly

• though when he happened to act extremely careless ,, especially with his life on the line around megatron ,, it made you quite angered how he had disregarded himself like that

• and you were quick to express how you felt when he asked what the scowl was for ,, explaining that it was quite upsetting to act such a way around megatron ,, especially when he could have died

• jazz was quite taken aback ,, as he wasnt as used to hearing you mad ,, especially at him ,, though he did catch the few sentences saying you cared about him and if he’d die you’d be quite sad

• and he cant have his favorite human be sad now can he? he reached down and lightly ruffled your hair ,, telling you not to worry about him ,, that he’ll be fine

• though you didnt believe him ,, if anything ,, you kept on arguing about how him saying that was even worse as he just disregarded how you feel about him performing such careless acts

• he didnt really know what to say ,, only eyeing you before telling you to calm down and take a deep breathe ,, to cool off and then the two of you will discuss this

• it didnt take as long to make up as it did with op ,, as jazz was quite free often with his open schedule (if lennox or op wasnt filling it up with patrols) and he was ready to talk

• the talk went smoothly ,, aside the few tears you let loose when you told him that you just didnt want to loose him ,, especially when it could be avoided

• the mech only shakes his head ,, a small chuckle escaping him as he promised he wouldnt be going anywhere

#transformers x reader #x reader #x gender neutral reader #bayverse x reader #transformers bayverse #bayverse #bayverse optimus prime #bayverse jazz #optimus prime #jazz #jazz x reader #optimus prime x reader #🏙.jazz #🏙.optimus #🏙.bayverse

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nightsjod · 7 months

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Since your "Friends" want to check up on this blog instead of you facing up to your own actions of bringing this up and proposals for "discussion" yourself and see i actually did message you PRIVATELY like this should have been. here

you are one of the most self centered emotionally controlling and manipulative friend i have ever had. the fact you keep COUNT of every time youve "helped" me through my "Troubles" and act like i have never once done anything for you is utterly insane behavior. i am EXHAUSTED from it. you wanted to end the friendship and im simply trying to honor that. im not fighting it. there is no point in fighting because i refuse to bend over and allow you to control every fucking thing i do again and you will not give in to see your own behavior EVER.

sorry i didnt want to TRAUMA DUMP on an anon like you so much like to do and try to remain optimistic and positive on my public blog but since you want to air out my own PERSONAL LIFE ON TUMBLR which you are very much in the wrong for doing so, ESPECIALLY using it as a weapon against me, fine. and especially since you want to go into fucking discord servers to claim i was lying about getting help after your messages, and publicly trying to call me a fraud then fine. i will also be public and honest like you want.

i tried to kill myself over this. i sincerely could not take it anymore and i felt like everything fcking shattered because no matter what i did no matter how hard i tried and what i did it was never good enough for you. you could never accept that i had a full time job, i had other friends, i had my own issues THAT DONT INVOLVE YOU and my own ENTIRE life and it was NEVER good enough for you. mad at me because i "dont follow through with plans" like we arent 24 years old and i work 50 hours a week? when have u ever once texted me "lets play this together tonight. lets see a movie tonight" you didnt. you are mad i didnt make the effort for YOUR life. i DID go to therapy because of it. you want to see the hospital and medical bills ive been paying because of it? because i will. call my fucking mother and she will tell you what SHES had to go through from this because she is also done with you and you airing out every issue youve ever had on her every time youd come over and never ONCE asking her how she is doing after losing her husband. call HER and tell her i was "obviously lying" when i said i would get help.

i wasnt going to fight it. i didnt want to bend over and "Just listen and change my behavior" because i didnt need to change. i was DOING my best. friendship isnt a transaction, unlike you keeping count every time you helped me apparently i didnt bc it wasnt things i Expected returned or expected PRAISE for. i bought games for you i WANTED to play together so wed have something else to talk about other than Negative Topics because i wanted you to desperately feel better and happy with something but you COULDNT because you could not stop being obsessed with your own misery and nobody likes being around that. thats the bitter truth. so i said bye because it wasnt worth it and if ending our friendship was something you TRULY thought was the best course of action then like fine. whatever.

so please continue telling everyone you meet every day the rest of your life about the horrible bad friend you once had. who never did anything for you ever because i know you are going to. and continue to surround yourself with equally controlling people who validate your feelings. i will be enjoying my life and continuing to ignore any further messages as well. ok, bye

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cycle-hit · 1 month

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realising ive never put into words character speech/think patterns that ive absorbed while having to write them nd i need to so. here u go.

haruka - guilty of not rly paying attention to how he speaks so i have less knowledge of it. used to stutter over his words a lot in t1, had a poor grasp of vocabulary. in t2 he stutters less/not at all, his vocabulary has improved but because of this i like to think he probably speaks close to how muu does (since she taught him) (i have no idea if this is canon or not)

yuno - lots of usage of the word "bothersome". presents a facade that she cares more than she actually does. i dont have a lot of thoughts on how i write her honestly- she's close enough to myself that i just WRITE her speaking manner as myself but a little different. she has a habit of teasing people. can be sexual (in speech) at times. homophobic dog. can make people uncomfortable with her knowledge of them or her general attitude. warmth.

fuuta - also guilty of analysing him less. i just write him sort of like how i speak to people im close to. has a regular angry anime boy speech pattern thats actually not angry- mixed with twitter user. in t2 he develops cult speak habits which actually makes him sort of hard to write bc i have to google things like "Religious words" "Words like salvation" every time i write his dialogue. hes stupid as all fuck.

muu - she's so fuckign funny. "passive aggressive" teenager in high school. says "muu" instead of stuff like "i" or "me/my" 10x more than mahiru's habit. doesnt "care" for most people she speaks to and it shows (unlike yuno's facade). spoiled rich girl. can be ignorant and not necessarily always on purpose. shes just a mean teenager man idk what much else to say about her speech patterns. in t1 she actually used to trail off a lot and hesitate to speak bc she was scared

shidou - guilty of not looking into him a lot. has a habit of "looking down" on the people he's speaking to with the sole exception of kazui (though he tends to think of kazui solely as Older Man Like Me rather than anything. deeper?? idk if that makes sense). verbose like some other little furry shit that i know. doesnt emote well. i write him like myself as well

mahiru - MAHIRU!!! in t1 she used to say her own name a lot like muu. in t2 this changes- she doesn't say do it as often. she apologises a lot in t2. low self-esteem that she makes known in speech whenever talking about herself. she just wants people to be happy. references her magazines/stuff she reads a lot in t1- im always rly sad she's lost this trait in t2. i want her lit major-ness back. sunshine incarnate that's been extinguished. "airhead" and "carefree" are words that describe her but i also tend to write her as being slightly hurt by them- its likely not a nice feeling to be thought of as "stupid" in gentler terms. i like to write her as more observant than people think though i dont think this is canon- she's lit major.......come on milgram...make her strange!!! let her observe people like those who like writing are so prone to do!!!!!!!! cant handle anyone making fast/unpredictable movement towards herself anymore after t2. also. NANDE, NANDE NANDE? (constantly questioning why.)

kazui - i need to analyse him more. his gaze makes people uncomfortable, notably those who dont like parts of themselves "seen". likely an aftermath of his employment of being a detective- he has to be able to know and analyse people accurately. reminiscences on his younger days a lot. i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot.

amane - guilty of not analysing her speech patterns at all actually. verbose. stuck in a cult. more "childish" than she lets on and tries to conceal this fact.

mikoto - i have to make sure he talks about work. tendency to present himself as more "simple" than he is. john speaks more aggressively. "carefree" like mahiru but less and more self-aware.

kotoko - oh boy. stupid fucking verbose bitch she takes so fucking long to write especially since i have to do her pov you have no god damn idea. she is constantly analysing and overthinking everything around her it doesnt stop. blunt. asks a question in return when she doesnt want to answer a question or gives short statements like theyre fact. struggles to read social aspects bc of her paranoia. uses the word "ridiculous" and "-ne?" ("right?") a lot. as well as "evil" or "sinners" or "criminals". thinks shes sooooo fucking smart when in reality shes stupid as all fuck. i write her very much like myself. theres a lot to say about her speech patterns/way she is that influences her speech that idk how to put into words bc its just been absorbed into my brain like a sponge. sounds like shes analysing you every time she speaks. naturally intense-looking in a way that scared muu even in t1.

#HOPE THIS...HELPS? these are also very much generalisations that have nuance to them. i just tend to think of these things as a quick summ-#-ary whenever i have to write them so theyre closer to canon. i probably also missed a lot bc the only characters i stare at under-#microscopes are um. kotoko 'nd mahiru...bc i only write their povs. i have to know them inside and out but for the others i do not..have to #little guy posting

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chiisanakurisu · 1 month

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sorry this is such a weird specific question about something you added on a reblog to a post i was going through the notes of But !

do you have recommendations for noise cancelling earbuds ? im very confused by that because ive tried to find anything that actually is noise canceling to me, bc when my sensory issues get bad sometimes All sound is bad but the best ive been able to do is listen to white noise to block out anything else, because earplugs just seem to muffle stuff and anything ive tried that's marketed as "noise cancelling" for earbuds is pretty noise cancelling if you're listening to something with them, but for just having them in silence to block out noise has never worked for me

maybe i misunderstood that but if there is a good option to block out noise and just have it be quiet i would love to ask for any suggestions you have :'o thank u so much u dont have to answer this Oop i feel awkward sending an ask about it so feel free to ignore fksjfjjsfjks i just haven't had luck with anything ive tried for noise cancelling

At the moment I'm using Samsung noise cancelling earphones, they have a decent quality and muffle most of the outside noises even without playing music. But I get good noise cancelling earbuds are quite expensive and are out of budget for many people 😅

I also heard of a kind of earplugs designed mainly for ND people called Calmers, these are silicone and muffle sounds so they are kind of "turned down" to you. A friend of me recommended me those and they aren't very expensive (around 25€, not bad imo).

In any case it depends on how your tolerance to noise is. I've known autistic people with sensory issues so bad they use headphones for construction workers (at least these are way cheaper, you can get them at stores like Leroy Merlin). From my experience headphones make a better work in general isolating you from noise, but I don't like them personally because I also have TMJ (jaw joint) dysfunction and the pressure on my head hurts me.

I hope something of this long ramble helps you 😅 and dw, it's a pleasure giving feedback on this!

#actually autistic #sensory processing issues

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kawaii-10105 · 3 months

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Its my city now ive been thinking about oc dynamics for the other brothers. I decided toto recycle some old fandom ocs from my preteen years bc its both funny and thematically appropriate.

The only new ones are like wendy and suzi. Suzi is sorta not new but so completely revamped and wasn’t ever really developed anyways.

I have to figure out like actual names for two bc they’ve only gone by nicknames. I also thought it would be fun to have more cartoonish/surreal characters instead of just regular people.

Kitti (nickname)- when i made her, she originally was a Boy Scout and kinda based off of spongebob. Now ive changed her to like a big sister like character except she really ISN’T. She’s the younger sister of twins, neither the brain or muscle behind their duo. She’s sweet, dense, and a stickler for order. She’s a mycologist and likes to hang out in the woods. She is dating oso im still working on their dynamic but theyre definitely childhood friends who find each other again in adulthood oso confuses her for her twin sister and is like: whoa, so you decided to become a girl!! Thats so cool can i see ur boobs since we’re old friends?? She meets oso thru totty who shes friends with bc theyre both girls.

Wendy - basically a small, loud little henchman or hypeman. She’s so so small in height and so round. She looks like a shark, has very pointy teeth, beady lil teeth, and is very scary except her voice is really adorable. She is karamatsu’s biggest fucking fan, and hyped him up as much as he does to the point where sometimes he’s embarrassed. I think she’s weird and funny bc she has a rich inner world completely detached from him that she never tells him about except for concerning bits and pieces. So far theyre my favorite bc i drew her telling kara when hes not there she goes to nurtitionland and hangs out with talking carrots. Kara absolutely adores her and tries to explain her appeal constantly but everyone side eyes him.

Sindri - I haven’t really figured it out yet bc Sindri was an oc i used to really adore. I remember having like a really lavish and dramatic backstory for him that was super serious but i kinda don’t wanna do all of that anymore but dont wanna erase all of it either. Slowly rebuilding him. I ship him w choro tho

Esaias- another recycled but kinda loved oc. He was like one of my least favorites but I had developed him a loooot. Almost all of his original characterization and background are the same, so he grew up in a paramilitary Christian cult ran by his step father and mother that only consisted of his immediate family. His childhood sucked but you wouldn’t know it bc he was the blacksheep, and thoroughly ignored but a lot of the family politics bc hes considered the illegitimate eldest. He’s actually really normal and nice and in Japan for grad school and to train under Fighting Yowai. He makes Ichi really nervous bc he’s like a normie or something but he also is really strange. They have a really funny dynamic to me but eventually hes kinda like a security blanket ichi carries and he is there basically like “damn bitch you live like this? Thats so cool can you teach me?”

Suzi - she didn’t have a very thick background, I made her when I was like literally 12 and didn’t like her very much to the point where her entire narrative was that i killed off her sister. Which is funny bc i love her now and so I killed her off too. She’s a ghost! Like a sadako/okiku type of ghost. Looks very scary and only jyushi can see her and at first he’s terrified of her but it’s really actually lighthearted and silly. His brothers are all weirded out by jyushi’s new imaginary friend but they are a loveydovey couple even tho shes dead and he aint.

And then tottys still mine

Oh i forgot nom (another nickname)

I ship her with nyaa. She’s a tsundere who is obsessed with looking cool, she’s the older twin sister of kitti and she is the biggest softie ever. Literally the brain and the brawn, she’s in love w nyaa and is a crybaby. She’s really moody too, friends with ichi and kara. She wants to be goth and alt so bad but shes just shein. The tallest of my ocs. She can only handle the responsibility of taking care of Kitti, so she cant cook or clean (kitti must) but she does everything else. She’s a drop out fashion student, and a cringefail girl. The only one who can make kitti, who comes across as a big sister character be a whiny baby. I ship her with nyaa bc i think itd be funny

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nat-alianovnaromanova · 10 months

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this poem reminded me of bucky barnes (i just got into marvel comics like a few months ago lmao). particularly wrt nat. and of course the dog coding of both of them is very interesting to me also. dog as in a tool dog as in a loyal servant dog as in devoid of identity except for their place as a cog in the machine. what do you think?

ohhhhh i love u for this. hm yes obviously this is more bucky than nat but sidebar it has echos of younger nat in the red room/when she first starts out as black widow. i dont think she is as pathetically beaten down as ws bucky bc she’s never had her autonomy & personhood completely stripped away like him so she is not a tool like he is. like yes she’s had her memories altered and tampered with but essentially she could always think for herself and so she could always pick up and go. but when she was younger not really she just wanted to be a good little spy, ergo the dog, until she escapes the kgb and becomes the fugitive dog never to be chained again. however

the winter soldier is literally a nameless dog on a leash. they kick him when he whines. he sits and waits and speaks when he is spoken to and rolls over when he is told to. and it is all insanely brutal and violent but it is all he knows so he thinks ah well this is how the world works!!!! i am either going to be thoroughly violated or completely ignored!!! and so i must be Good and Obedient. good cog in machine. good soldier. and again its literally all he knows. and when i say knows i mean … idk how to explain it but essentially he’s cognitively impaired as the soldier: brainwashing + drugs + cryostasis have obviously done a number on him! and when he’s only let out for hours at a time before being shut back in—which means he can barely begin to comprehend his surroundings let alone figure out a way to approach them—he behaves very mechanically. very doglike in that he obeys cues (ie sit shake roll etc). so over time he is conditioned to only behave in the ways his superiors like (follow this man. kill this woman. mission report. stand over there and don’t speak. or actually no come here us have fun with the good little soldier) bc it gets him the desired reaction: no reaction! to him no reaction = he’s been good and loyal. so bucky is chained. no control whatsoever. and it's learned behavior. when nat happens he's very ill-equipped to deal with her bc she wants him to speak and she doesn't give a shit about his being good and loyal. which is ironic because she is the only time bucky ever WANTS to be good and loyal to another person!! so here he needs to learn different behavioral patterns to earn the 'no reaction' which in nat's case IS reaction. sorry i feel like im explaining this wrong + ive veered off the dog topic. going back to that - the last part of the poem about the dog learning to love is VERY bucky during and after his time as the winter soldier. because he is essentially learning love from nat he thinks love is like. a smile. and he has no idea how to get it so he whatever he tries that works is the thing he relies on - and he does it again again again in the hopes that it will earn him love. he's like when you feed a stray once bc you felt bad and he keeps coming back even though you try to kick him away. so with the black widow he's like. when a dog brings you a dead bird and expects to be praised for it bc he knows no better. and anyway character thesis for the winter soldier is that he's treated more like an animal than a person. he is an attack god foaming at the mouth. someones sharpened his teeth for him but all the biting and snapping is his own. no one gives a shit about his identity or his wellbeing beyond serving his purpose which is to be a good loyal soldier. ergo dog. during recovery bucky becomes soooo pathetic about wanting to be good and loyal. essentially he curls up at the foot of nat/steves bed and waits for one of them to pet him. but also he pretends he doesn't want to be pet so that neither of them can see the extent to which he is desperate for it.

ALSO obviously there is love as biting. like digging into the flesh is an act of affection. where the black widow and the winter soldier think that love is like. hey i killed someone for u! here's the severed head :) circling back to the dog with the bird in its maw. circling back to trying to learn kindness and coming back for the hope of it even after they've been let down (by one another or the red room/hydra or wtv). they get one (1) mildly affectionate gesture and it drives them crazy forever.

anyway in conclusion bucky and nat are specifically dog coded in different ways. nat is more rabid. she is the kind of dog who bites first and back. she bites for fun! (otherwise she risks being bit and she is much too wary to let that happen.) bucky only bites back and that is out of fear. they are both always scared & poised to attack. bucky only knows to wait for scraps. nat digs in the trash for her own. bucky and the winter soldier are also dog coded in different ways. bucky is more of the pathetic one sitting in the foyer while the ws is the one who barks and bites and gives u rabies until one good kick turns him into a curled up whiny puppy. hope this helps!

#sorry this got very long and meaningless. im a big fan of motifs and symbolism and talking✊#i think i got off topic somewhere but uhhh essentially its like. don't sink in me with your dog teeth #also pathetic losing dog. betting on losing dogs. bucky is a bigger losing dog btw #.pdf

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jesskasb · 9 months

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EXTREMELY LONG POST AHEAD YOUVE BEEN WARNED. DO YOU LOVE THE COLOR OF MY WORDS?

i've been so scared of posting my opinions about recent media because i want to maintain some kind of unproblematic agreeable image out here. i don't want to say i enjoyed something for fear that enjoying it means i am morally required to reblog or discuss every critique others have to make sure people know i am aware that it is not perfect. i suppose this comes from this increased ideology that people who like things need to do so critically at all times, and they need to demonstrate that or they're a bad person; which is stupid, obviously, but i have somehow internalized that because i wanted to make the small of audience of this blog to know im not stupid or "problematic" or whatever. which is another stupid thing to want because this blog is supposed to be for ME and not other people, and ive always tried to uphold that mentality by posting whatever i wanted and always saying my thoughts in the tags. but obviously, my feelings have had something else to say about it and ive been holding back opinions and expressing my enthusiasm for things because of how that enthusiasm may be perceived and misinterpreted, even though im aware that everything ever will be misinterpreted by somebody eventually and that is out of your control and its ok. this dissonance between what my logic tells me and how i actually feel has been bothering me a lot. even now im like oh i should put this under a read more so it doesnt bother people! while logically i know i want to post this as is because its some meaningful introspection for ME and thats what matters, truly. it's why i have this app in the first place. so i can express myself through text in eays i can't in real life for one reason or another.

either way it seems i've fallen into the social media trap of making everything content and palatable to as many people as possible, making things relatable and clever so others will enjoy it and i will be known as someone to be liked. all for the fleeting dopamine of a like and a reblog or a follow.

and then, because these feelings frustrate me and i have been in denial about them, i have also fallen into the trap of the "let people enjoy things" mentality. that scares me because it just goes to show how easy it is for someone to slowly get on the side of perpetuating a lack of media literacy or even shit like proshipping and stuff, when actually my feelings are not related to that at all but rather a dissonance between wanting to be palatable for everyone and wanting to talk about my interests when the reality is that there is not really anyone stopping me from saying whatever i want except for myself. im the only one who cares about this and the only one that is bothered. i've always looked down on a "what will they say" mentality and i hate that i've become so used to the way ive been thinking that i started ignoring the fact that i shared the mentality.

ok im just repeating myself now. point is. i want to work on getting back the mentality of posting for myself and being honest with my opinions not because i want to start discussions or get clout for being opinionated but rather because i truly enjoy analyzing things and expressing my thoughts. so. in an effort to do just so ive decided to unpack some of the media that have really reinforced the need to conform.

• let's start with the biggest elephant in the room: oppenheimer. i know! i know. no fucking wonder. "but hear me out!!!!" (headass need to justify everything i say and do so i wont be perceived incorrectly). i went to watch it with my stepdad at 11pm after the rest of our family went out to have boba tea without us bc we were resting, even though we LOVE boba and they couldve simply asked if we wanted to go. so the whole outing to the movies was spontaneous revenge and i loved that. it was a great bonding experience. in the parking lot we found two 20 dollar bills on the floor and the way we both dived to pick them up was hilarious. he was faster than me. we got some shitty churros and no popcorn and into the movie we went. now, the movie itself, i honestly did not like it and didnt have a good time, i was trying soo hard not to fall asleep. i was sleep deprived, tired, and honestly science and politics arent my thing at all. and that is obviously beside the fact that the whole plot was hard to follow because they tried so hard to make the audience sympathize with oppenheimer and frame it as if he really knew no better than to participate in the war and making the choice to kill thousands of japanese civilizatians. i was trying not to chew my arm off at the theater. ugh.

i will say i found the use of audiovisual distortion to represent dissociation and high stress brilliant. obviously its not the first media to do this but i think it made amazing use of the audio of a theater and the nature of film. i saw that post about how "if i cant see a movie in the comfort of my house and i have to go see it at the theater to get the full experience then its not very good" and i honestly think thats bogus. in fact im glad and i agree that something that can only be experienced in a theater full of people with good audio and a giant screen has value. chris nolan may be pretentious about it and fuck him but its like. the nature of a thater itself is not stupid and streaming it is different. theaters are about getting together with fellow humans and seeing something live and valuing the fleetingness of not being able to replicate that same exact experience again. whether its a musical or a play or a film youll never see the exact same thing with the exact same audience. and theres beauty in that.

• barbie was fun. it was different and refreshing from the usual stuff in mainstream theaters and i can really respect it for that. i cant believe mattel allowed that depiction of their own company to be in there but yeah theyre winning in the end. really good marketing. when the girl called out barbie for doing irreparable damage to the feminist movement i thought that was very based... im really biased because when i was younger, as a little hispanic poc girl who was chubby and kind of weird, i was just so bitter about everything that barbie was. because she wasnt me. she wasnt like me. she was like everything everyone said was pretty and that idea of pretty wasnt me. and i hated it. i wouldnt play with my blonde white barbies and i was obsessed with the one tan barbie with curly haired i had. she was a ballerina in a blue leotard and a tutu. i took off the tutu because i thought it was too feminine and i wasnt too feminine and i wanted her to be like me. but i still knew i could never be a ballerina because i was chubby and not athletic. it was the closest a barbie doll would ever get to being me though, and i was satisfied. i ended up relating more to my entire collection of g3 ponies than barbies.

going back to the movie; i think the message is important even if it wasnt handled perfectly. its a step in the right direction. we've been talking about this for YEARS and it has finally made its way to be told directly in an extremely mainstream movie. thats good! im glad! and i had fun laughing my ass off at the funny parts with my friends. i was ready to watch it alone after a hangout with my friends but some of them decided to join me and i love it. im very happy ive found people who want to go out with me and include me and like being around me and respect me. its been a while. i coughed a lot during the movie and my friend said "...do you need a cough drop, alex" at the end of the movie and i was so embarrassed and it was funny. my car keys fell in between the seats and it was scary but the employees were really nice about it. when magic ring ken appeared i yelled COCKRING KEN! and it sent my friends and a stranger next to me into hysterics. i had a great time and i wont forget it.

• good omens. neil gaiman has been a figure of great dissonance for me. i genuinely like his books and posts but im also aware that saying you like his work comes with all this other stuff that people assume is true, especially on tumblr, because he can also be really annoying. i dont support EVERYTHING he does of course but i love good omens and at the same time i was scared of what people would assume about me for sharing posts of season 2 and being excited about it. loved the first season of good omens and i was criminally deranged about it back in 2019. i liked the new season a lot! (SPOIILERS AHEAD SKIP TO AFTER THE Picture IF YOU WANT TO AVOID THEM) i missed the characters a lot and michael sheen and david tennant are just such stellar actors and you can really tell how much they like aziraphale and crowley. and gosh i just love when everyone involved in a production is as passionate about it as fans are. i will say michael and beelzebubs thing felt really fanservicey and i wasnt the target audience for their relationship. heres some more thoughts i want to share

besides that i mean fuck i would watch aziraphale and crowley talk about the weather for an hour. their banter is amazing. i also love the final episode drama. i just love mythology and exploring how all the fantastic bullshit fits into the real world. its why i like percy jackson so much, and i think gaiman really succeeds at urban fantasies (or magical realism?? not sure) extremely well. im not familiar with the work of terry pratchett but someone whose opinion i value likes his books so i wanna check em out one day. i had a good time with good omens and im excited for season 3. got a lot of theories but im lucky i have a friend to talk that to about so i wont keep you here much longer.

• the witcher. im SO passionate about the witcher show you guys have no idea i got my entire family to watch it and im able to connect all the dots and shit i love the world building i love the characters i LOVE LOVE JASKIER. but i hate the writing. i hate that i havent read the books and im progressing incredibly slowly through wild hunt so i feel like a poser and not a true fan. i hate that its so mainstream and i hate the way that i hate that. my feelings about this are not as dissonant and strong as the past three media i listed but i feel like it was the first straw. i just have this need to justify liking it and saying oh its not a good show but i like it haha sorry. IM NOT SORRY! I ENJOY IT A LOT, FLAWS AND ALL! AND I THINK ITS GOOD BECAUSE I AM STILL WATCHING! but i will stop watching after this season i refuse . liam hemsworth makes me puke while henry cavill is not only attractive but he genuinely cares about geralt and the witcher series and i dont want to watch something where the lead is just a replacement for someone who wanted better conditions and treatment and didnt receive it. fuck

• young royals. i just shat on it heavily back when it started trending on tumblr bc i thought it was some stupid teen drug show that had some shallow romance but honestly i think it was the internalized homophobia talking idk i gave it a shot and im LIVING for the drama and the cringe that comes with being a teenager and i love the setting and i love that everyone is so flawed and human and real.

• alice oseman's work. i actually dont know much about her as a person and author but i also shat on heartstopper when it became mainstream because the tv show annoyed me. i tried it, but the first episode left me feeling uncomfortable and icked so i quit and have been hating on it since without even giving the graphic novels a glance. i read the synopsis of her novel solitaire and a review compared it to catcher in the rye and i thought that was so fucking stupid. catcher in the rye, really? the creator of HEARTSTOPPER, making something that can even be of the same tone as catcher in the rye? bah, impossible. when i picked up i was born for this, i thought itd be a shitty and fluffy fan/celebrity book but i was just so desperate for trans rep. and then i pulled an all nighter to read it and i realized it was GOOD and had a lot of layers that impressed me. i had underestimated alice oseman's writing skills by SO much and i dont like thar i was so cynical. i started reading solitaire and man. it is dark. and evidently inspired by catcher in the rye. i am not done with it yet but from what i read so far.... holden, you have some competition.

solitaire is told from the pov of the sister of one of the heartstopper voice. through this book i learned that actually the heartstopper boy has a LOT of serious issues. i wonder if the graphic novels handle it better than the tv show. i hope they do! if they dont, then , well, i can say with confidence that i enjoy her books even if heartstopper isnt my thing.

ok i think thats all. if you read all that, post picture of an animal. i dont know. like and subscribe! i am growing as a person and i think thats beautiful. whatever. rolls my eyes and walks away

#i want to have a conversation about this so if anyone has any thoughts or anything about the topic of enjoying things in a modern #social media setting and '“letting people enjoy things'' let me know in a reblog or the notes. cause gosh. i need to get it out i need to #do more thinking it feels like my mind is growing MOLD! im better than this goddamnit #alexchanting #long post #really long post

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atherix0 · 2 years

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This is the time where we collectively find out how long I can make this ask because OH MY GOD

FIRST OF ALL as someone who loves horror I've always really loved the imagery of a safe place, ESPECIALLY in the day, being empty. A place that should have people in it just. Empty. *The streets were empty*.

Also they way you write fight scenes continues to be magnificent. Even without the flair of Scar being there, Grian's got his own flair to the way he tries to fight back and fails. And somehow grian getting KIDNAPPED is gonna be even better than them finding him half dead [or maybe,,,,all dead] on a boatem alleyway but also. Imagine. Imagine if they went looking for him and he was just a body in the road holy SHIT

OH AND THE TORTURE! The ripping at each other, Grian seeing red?????????/ I'm all in. All hands on deck, I can literally F E E L how good the rest of these chapters are going to be

[👀👀 the blood on the glyph was a nice touch]

OHOHOHO 'THEIR' FAVORITE VAMPIRE, I SEE.

oh mumbo my BOY oh my god yes cause Scar is just sitting there like "haha im definitely not going to panic" and mumbo abandoned that at like, the hour mark s2g. Oh my god the way you went back in time and had the realize things were happening prior to the glyph being activated with blood is genius but, once again, imagine if somehow they hadn't been alerted to it and suddenly scars hand is just *burning*-

oh my god Mumbo just shadow walking to Scar's home too its a good thing they went to aqua town before this because the absolutely insanity mumbo would have fallen into because Scar is like the only thing keeping him from ripping into grian's poor manager for answers. Imagine if he had to wait for scar to teleport and then just like. found blood on his own. My god.

Also as a side note i really love how shadow walking is less like teleporting and more like being funneled?????? truly that cannot be a comfortable method of transportation and yet here they are anyway.

Oh and the way Scar uses his magic here is INCREDIBLE I mean like - he's pushing magic in, pushing magic out, having to keep Mumbo from getting caught in all of it, waking all of Boatem back up, AND finding MEMORIES????????? I *LOVE* that explanation for the earlier boatem history lesson he gave grian bc I assume that's what he was doing there, too

FERAL FERAL FERAL FERAL FERAL!!!! AHHHH mumbo my BELOVED look at you GO oh my GOD - just standing there, getting darker and darker and yet Scar *trusts* him oh my *god* please just get engaged after this. Please admit a whole lotta things.

Also I reaaaaaaaaally love how you use the curse words for emphasis in this story it is GENIUS. I dont normally subscribe to the idea that characters should only be allowed to curse like once or twice to get their point across [because that advice often ignores character intention and vocabulary] but it works REALLY well here. It's so striking because Ive gotten used to the fact that the hermits dont cuss in their videos and most people dont make them cuss in fanwork, really a smart move.

OH THE BLOOD ON THE GLYPH BURNS SCAR, ALSO GENIUS because now Mumbo is holding him so gently to HELP and this man just wants to rip apart like. 500 people. But he's being SO gentle with scar PLEASE just admit you like each other at a more opportune time.

DOC MY BELOVED everyone's my beloved but DOOOOOOOOOOOOOC was not expecting to see Doc here but frankly, so smart to stick some of the characters as '''bad''' guys but have them not be bad. oh my sweet doc my poor man because this coven wants power and lord if Doc isnt power lmao and him telling grian to hide the glyph, I love him

ALSO THEY CLIPPED GRIANS WINGS AND I REALIZE I DIDNT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT IT EARLIER BUT OH MY GOD

Leave it to Grian to be kidnapped over his blood and be like "I think we can save the turned vampires here, actually". Also frankly, doc's broken things was a great mirror to the utter chaos that happens later on wow

FERAL MUMBO MY BELOVED THERE YOU *ARE* AGHHHHHH YES also Grian just standing there and letting Mumbo kill somebody [well, a lot of somebodies in a sec] magnificent. Perfect. Mumbo really knows how to pick em

God and Scar, also, trying so hard to keep such a level head but you know underneath all of that masking he's doing he's been panicking for god knows how long and is just better at not showing it on his face.

Obsessed w grian "Well I wouldve felt bad for you but. um." sir I love you.

ALSO the way you wrote the chaos of the scene while still including visceral detail is GENIUS and I am taking NOTES because I've got a chaos scene like this in my novel that I have been struggling with and wow wow wow

Also Grian you delightful little bird you are such a GOOD fighter WOW you know, no wonder he killed his gods. He's got the skill to show it.

AND MUMBO JUST RIPPING INTO PEOPLE THIS IS EVERYTHING IVE WAITED FOR AHHH ITS PERFECT I loves him. I loves him your honor. The way he just slowly slips to become more and more inhuman, how he loses himself entirely by the end AH its everything.

Please know that i was sitting here practically screaming "grian let him dribnk your blood GRIAN LET HIM DRINK YOUR BLOOD-" for like a solid minute and then actually had to cover my face with a pillow and scream because SCAR is letting MUMBO drink his BLOOD wow. Did not see it coming yet. It's perfect. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And poor Doc man, he's just like "Uhhhh yall good" and no. No they are not. I mean yes they are but no. And Mumbo is treating Scar as a mate and just DRANK from his NECK on the old BITE MARK so that it's HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS bite mark now??????????? Gay, your honor. Mates, your honor. GET ENGAGED

I just love that Mumbo, half delirious, is like "Yep. Yep. Right here's good *snatches Scar down*" AND GRIAN JUST SITS THERE IN HIS GAY THOUGHTS WATCH MUMBO *DRINK SCARS NECK FROM AN OLD BITE WOUND OH MY GOD* and hes PLEASED about it, please for the love of god SCAR

There's something about Mumbo being a threat even coming out of a blood loss fueled delirium and lying on the floor that is just magnificent in every way. Hair thrown out behind him, blood still on his lips, still looking like a fucking mess with Grian and Scar trying to collect themselves in a room full of dead vampires, and mumbo is still a *threat* god bless him.

OHOHOHOHOHO hello Scar, tired, need to be in the manor, mhm mhm. Right. I just love that he's like "I finished with this coven business so I've come here to Definitely Just Talk About The Coven Business" right mhm. Obsessed with the fact that grian AND mumbo BOTH offer the manor up too like. MMMMMMMMMMM mmm mmm please the three of you are so deep into it

Mumbo whisking Scar away to make him sleep because everyone including tubbo is lecturing him about sleeping is everything to me. Mumbo, stood in the guest room where Scar sleeps, starting at HIS mark on SCARS neck to replace the Bad Mark tm that was not His AH and to be mixing his feelings between guilt and pride is everything

But also Mumbo proving that he's not totally competent in reading this relationship they've got going on because not only does he wrongly thing that Talking to Scar about his Feelings would push Scar away but also that Grian doesnt feel the same way??? Mumbo please use that fae blood to power your brain

AND THEN TO FINALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MUMBO MY POOR MAN WOW no wonder he's still a threat when he lying on the floor recovering from his injuries, man is threatening. Crush your sire w shadows, perfect. Everything I could have wanted except that I want to crush her again. Poor Mumbo's got PTSD, understandable, but my poor man.

AND THEN THE FACT THAT HE'S RISKING EVERYTHING TO FIND THEM AND FINISH CRUSHING THEM LIKE A BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG because their very EXISTENCE is a threat to his MATES, PLURAL, EVEN IF HE DOESNT REALIZE IT YET [Well. He does. But he doesn't] MUMBO YOU GLORIOUS CREATURE YOU truly this is the vampire politics that made me love Castlevania I LOVE where this is headed. and the way Grian reacts to this news????? and only makes mumbo love him more??? And then they have their little gay bonding moment of being in love??? everything I couldn't asked for, totally worth being up at 3:30, wow. wow wow wow. I'm gonna try going back to sleep with all of this just racing in my mind.

But also 👀👀👀 I did notice the fact that Grian got withered and it didn't eat through him with nearly the zest it got Scar, and Scar used Fae magic to keep it from eating him alive. Oh Grian, little godlings, whatcha doiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin. between that and his clipped wings Grian is having a TIME and truly I cannot wait for them to awaken whatever is about to happen.

Also. SHOCKED the askbox didn't cut me off. How far down can this thing go.

HAHA me dropping a whole 4 chapters at the same moment <3

My answers might not be as detailed as usual bc I am super tired today and have work in two hours so <3

This one is really long so read more <3

YEAH me too, liminal spaces are just wild and I love them as a setting <3

Ahhhh thank you so much <3 I always think my fight scenes are lacking so this makes me feel better thank you <3 HAHAHA Mumbo and Scar would have never recovered from that <3 <3 <3 It's wild that Grian being kidnapped was the better of the options so <3

Think Grian is going to just lie there and take it? Aw heeellll no <3 He's gonna fight back tooth and talon, which is exactly what he at least tried <3

[Haha blood magic my beloved <3]

OH HO HO YEAH indeed, THEIR favorite Vampire~

Scar be like "level head level head" and Mumbo is just "I am going to tear this town apart" hjfsdjkfsd that's Scar's masking coming in handy again <3 Oh yeah no there is no way Mumbo wouldn't wake up, find Grian gone and start getting anxious about it- no note, no sign that Scar is in town, nothing, just gone? Haha yeah no that won't fly with him they would totally realize something is wrong and Scar take one step in Boatem and is just like "the fu-" hjfdsk ACTUALLY that was the way Scar was going to realize something was happening, but then I wanted to show Mumbo reaching out to Scar about the situation so <3

Mumbo just like "this is faster let's git" lmao it really is, because Scar would have arrived at Boatem like 10-15 minutes later just to find Mumbo absolutely feral and freaking out and panicking worse than he already was <3 Finding blood and GRIAN'S FEATHERS all alone- hfdskjfds

Ahahaha teleportation isn't the most comfortable either, Scar is used to it so hardly notices teleporting (same for Mumbo with shadow walking) but yeah- it was important to me that these two things be different even though they have roughly the same end result <3

This is one of the reasons I had to establish him as being powerful, despite his limitations jgffdlk because mans did a LOT in just a few seconds <3 YEAH in that history lesson I did try to hint a little that it was actual memories they were looking at by the amount of detail/how real it all felt and the fact that it showed events that Scar would actually cut off (figures dissolving into magic moments before their death would have been seen) instead of simply implying like he might have had it been just an illusion so~ It also doubles as a way to emphasize Scar's, and Elves' overall, connection to the world around them, as he's drawing out the memories of the very land beneath their feet so <3 I love writing about Scar using his magic hjfsdlkfds

Scar really saw murder in Mumbo's eyes because his MATE has been TAKEN and HURT and they have no ANSWERS and he trusted Mumbo to not hurt him even in that mad state <3 And he was RIGHT because Mumbo LOVES HIM but Scar doesn't KNOW THAT AND HJFSJKS-

I know the Hermits are PG and I do want to be respectful of that but also these characters are adults and in stressful situations and serious adult relationships, I think they're allowed to say fuck when things are going bad <3 I'm glad it doesn't bother you, I always make sure to put a warning in the tags of the fics that have cursing in them because I do know some people don't like it <3

It was ALSO important I think to remind people how fucked up the Covens can be and that there are other victims besides our lovely trio <3 Doc is just HHHH I love him and want him to be safe and he just wanted to go home to his family but it's far too late for that </3

Blood magic is a very tricky thing, most people fuck it up and Scar certainly did not intend for the glyphs to be activated using blood <3 So one side of the connection is active using blood and his side is not... magic is all about balance <3

YEAH Mumbo even feral and angry and panicked and all murder-y sees Scar in pain and just- hjfdsjkfds so gentle so <3

YEAH THEY DIDN'T WANT HIM TO TRY FLYING AWAY IF HE MANAGED TO ESCAPE JKGDKS

Grian is such a good heart, the moment he realized Doc and some of the other Coven members were victims too he went "save them" and just <3 Haha thank you~! <3 Not like Doc needs them anymore, this mans is getting *therapy*

YEAAHHHHH he finally gets to be feral and tear things apart and remind everyone around him that he's really not human anymore <3 Grian just watches him rip these people apart and is just thinking "my love <3 my hero <3" and then he helps hjflsdkkjfsd

Oh god yeah, imagine if he didn't work for the Council and had never been in this kind of situation before and wasn't nearly as good at masking as he is- oh man he'd be an absolute mess hjfdslkfds-

I mean Grian is such a mood on that, like he sees what looks like a genuinely loving relationship between two Vampires who had him tortured and threatened Mumbo and is just "serves you right" so <3

HJFSJKDSJKFS chaos scenes are so much fun and I just hjfjkds I'm so glad I didn't lose any detail or meaning in the chaos <3 thank you thank you hhhhh <3

If Grian hadn't been taken by surprise and shot in one of the most painful non-lethal places a person can be shot, there wouldn't have been a story because he would have ripped that Vampire apart with his own two hands <3

YEAH he keeps just enough sense to keep track of Grian and Scar but he is not human anymore and this really highlights it and they both love him anyway and just want to help him and hjfhjdj <3 And he's feral and angry and so protective and just hjfdjs

HAHA I had originally planned on Grian letting Mumbo feed on him but A, he's so injured and even as a godling his blood isn't that much different from a Natural's right now so it would take a LOT of his blood to heal Mumbo, and B, I don't want Mumbo to know yet that Grian has the hints of non-Natural blood <3

Scar was silently freaking out about it bc he was about to let a Vampire feed on him, even though he's recently had a traumatic run-in with being unwillingly fed on, but it's MUMBO and Mumbo is too injured to safely move and Mumbo is also in this feral semi-conscious semi-catatonic state and he TRUSTS Mumbo to not hurt him and really it's just a little bite on the arm no big deal a little Fae blood to help heal his wounds faster right-

YEAH HAHA Grian is just like "woah wait oh my god" and Scar is panicking because the man he loves is biting him on the NECK and Grian is just WATCHING and they're both having very Gay Thoughts about this and just hjfgdsjkfg GRIAN THINKING IN THAT TWISTED LITTLE HEAD OF HIS just PLEASED that Mumbo has basically marked Scar with a very visible bite on his neck and now when he looks at that scar they're all gonna remember MUMBO biting him instead and just hjgfdsjkgds they're all such disasters I'm-

Doc really be like "tf did I just witness I think I should be scared and I think I am ok he's hissing at me to leave I better leave before I die ok" hjfdslkfgds mans has had a hard life and even being rescued he gets the bad end of the stick hjgfdjkfgd

YEAH HAHA Scar offer his arm and Mumbo being semi-conscious just looks at him like tf no and then, cuz Scar was wearing his work clothes including his hair braided down his back and his neck was exposed, seeing that old bite mark from a different Vampire and just HJSVFJKS I may have hinted before that Mumbo would do that hehe <3

Oh god yes, that's the power of absolutely being a Lord and a proper Lord at that- none of this rinky dinky weak-ass mofos relying on their mates or the twisted ones who send their followers to their deaths, he is protective and he is a THREAT at all moments, don't get too close on a normal day but when he's like this- hjfdjkfds literally bleeding out on the floor and Doc knows not to get anywhere near close hjkfgdsl

Hahaha and they really went "nope <3 sleep" lmao Scar is so tired and needs so much rest <3 HAHA "offered" that was a fucking demand <3 I feel like you're gonna go absolutely feral the first time Scar ends up sleeping in Mumbo's bed hjfdslkfs THEY ARE SO DEEP IN <3

Scar, being an Elf and only sleeping once every five days, being lectured about the importance of the very little sleep he already gets <3 Mumbo just being like "yeah time to go to sleep come on" and just hjkfdk HE FEELS GUILTY FOR DOING IT BECAUSE SCAR OFFERED HIS ARM NOT HIS NECK BUT HE ISN'T SORRY HE DID IT AND JUST HJFSDKJS now it's HIS mark and jhfklkluglf-

HJKFHSKJFDJLKFS YEAH lmao <3 he thinks Grian would be against it because he's a possessive little bird but he hasn't yet realized that Grian would be for it BECAUSE he's a possessive little bird jfgdlsf ALSO he's not 100% wrong about it pushing Scar away, bc Scar is oblivious and doesn't realize Grian's caught feelings too so if either of them confess without the other all he sees is his best friends' partner confessing to him without him knowing that they BOTH feel this way and Scar loves them but he isn't that kind of person </3 So Mumbo is absolutely right that Scar would have distanced himself out of respect for Grian, they BOTH have to tell him at the same time or else Scar will feel like he's hurting their relationship and just fhjkdsgjkds-

Mumbo won't let them take everything away from him again <3 magic when it is first developing can be a scary and unpredictable thing <3 Mumbo is terrifying, he's a threat and he's oh so protective and even other Vampires are low key afraid of him, the first time he ever used his shadow magic he DESTROYED his Sire, and he may have taken out some of the Coven on his way out <3

HE WILL PROTECT THEM NO MATTER WHAT even if it puts him on that Coven's radar again <3 he absolutely intends to finish what he started nearly five centuries ago, this man will take on the world if it means his new family will be safe <3

Grian, who knows nothing of Vampire politics or values, hearing Mumbo confess to all this and just being like "you were well within your right and I don't blame you, I will stay by your side no matter what" and just cfjykfif Mumbo falls even more in love and gnkfdnhg lays it all out for him to hear, loves everything from his greatest strengths to his greatest flaws and they are equally matched in their love and just fnfjgjifgkf

Haha well I hope you slept well after all this <3 I was up til 3 am to post it so I understand hahaha <3

👀 👀 haha Grian is suffering rn but one day he'll make them pay <3 I can't wait for the moment he 'awakens' it's gonna be so much fun gdgnnhfg

Tumblrs ask box has no power over the feral Mumbo enjoyer <3 haha ngl this took me an hour to answer I'm literally finishing it on the car ride to work and this delights me <3

#ask #midnight series #hermitshipping #mumscarian

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