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thanksjro · 3 years

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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heyitsphoenixx · 2 years

Text

I Wanna Get Better

Chapter 16

When Zach Stone’s lifelong goal to get famous is achieved, ten years later he’s still dealing with the consequences.

TW: mentions of rehab, drinking, mentions of cheating. lots of angst.

AO3

Written by @mickeysjones and myself. Gif by @mickeysjones.

New updates every Wednesday (usually).

“It’s okay,” he told her.

“I said don’t fucking talk.”

“It’s okay, Amy. Just two months, I promise. I love you.”

Tears streamed down her face as Amy watched Nick turn in an instant with his fist raised and chase after Zach through the house, their flying steps accompanying the thunder outside. She tried calling out to stop Nick but found that her throat was closed up.

Before he came back again, she figured she should probably get dressed.

Through choked breaths and with shaking limbs, Amy left the bed, picked her clothes up off the floor of the guest bedroom one by one and put them on, having to start again multiple times to get herself under enough control. As she dressed, her mind raced with what she could possibly say to Nick. In response, a piercing headache took over throughout her skull, making thinking coherently close to impossible.

She shuffled over to the connected bathroom and turned on the lights to face herself. Tear tracks stained her cheeks and her hair stuck up in every direction. The night before was the best sleep she ever had in the last decade, but her eyes were bloodshot. Only one overwhelming thought was able to permeate through the migraine as she looked in the mirror:

You did this.

There was no one to blame but herself. She knew this would most likely happen, and she convinced herself that she didn’t care. In truth, Amy cared more than she could fathom. She had never wanted to hurt anyone, least of all Nick, but the options available to keep her from doing so had been dwindling more and more the longer they were together.

You did this.

Maybe she could’ve been more communicative with him in the past about how she felt, but when exactly was she supposed to do that when he was gone all the time? He would come home and find her downing a bottle of wine on the sofa. He would run over to her and ask what was wrong, and she would either revert to the usual answer of “nothing” to save him the labor, or if it had been a particularly long trip she would end up sobbing in his arms. What were either of them supposed to do with that? He couldn’t be expected to drop everything for her and she would never ask him to. She was just that pathetically, chronically lonely.

You did this.

She leaned over the sink and collapsed, another well of tears falling down into the basin as her cries echoed around the tiles. She was so tired: tired of lying to Nick, tired of pretending that everything would work out, that she could simply force herself to love him enough and be content with that, tired of convincing herself that she could manage without her best friend.

Her breath caught in her throat as she heard footsteps coming back up the stairs. He was slow and deliberate, a lion stalking prey. She quickly wiped away the tears and combed through her hair with her fingers to give some small sense of decency back to her appearance. Besides that, she didn’t think there was likely to be any decency left in her.

“Amy?”

She heard him call from the doorway cautiously, but unmistakably furious. Bracing herself over the sink, she glanced towards the bed, the bed that just minutes ago was the scene of such peace and calm, now turned into a crime scene.

“Amy?” He called again in a quieter voice from just out of her sight beside the open bathroom door.

“I, um… I think… I think I’m done.”

She let out another sob and wiped her face again, doing her best to keep herself upright and not let her legs give out. She nodded to herself.

“Yeah… okay.”

“I just…”

He sighed and Amy could physically feel the muscles in her heart tearing.

“I don’t know what to ask first.”

“I’m sorry,” she rasped, and she was. She was sorry to have done this to him, to have made him feel this way. But she wasn’t sorry for the act itself. She was disgusted with herself, sure. She was full of guilt and self-loathing, but she was not sorry for what caused this.

“Don’t, please, please don’t.”

The air hung heavy on her shoulders as he considered what to say.

“Did… did you ever actually love me?”

She could hear the tears in his voice now, and she was once again rendered mute. Everything inside her, every impulse wanted to scream yes, of course, how could I not?

Everything except a single, quiet voice behind all the others, a voice that had lived within her forever. A voice that only spoke when listened to:

No.

But Amy couldn’t remember the last time she had used that voice, much less ever listened, so her mouth hung agape in the silence of his question.

“Fuck,” he said, and her knees buckled at last, sending her to the floor.

“Don’t call me.”

She heard him walk towards their bedroom and linger there for a few minutes before the sound of wheels followed his steps down the stairs and out the door once more.

Alone at last in the house, Amy spent the rest of the day tucked away in the bathroom, letting out every tear that had built up in the last ten years.

*****

The next few weeks were entirely too slow for Amy. They were filled with agonizing phone calls and endless nights alone. She, having been the one to make all the preparations, had to call the bakery, the musicians, the caterer, and every single guest to tell them the wedding was off.

Her parents had invited them both over for their weekly dinner together, and having to go with Nick just to tell them they were no longer getting married or even staying together, Amy felt on the verge of falling apart right there at the dinner table.

There were many days in that first month when she could not bring herself to get out of bed. Nick was staying with one of his clients until they worked out who was going to live where, so she had the house to herself at the moment. She couldn’t face the pile of invitations still on the kitchen counter, or the remaining number of guests to call on the list, or her friends who would do their best to respond with kindness and sympathy, but their tone betrayed their thoughts: they always knew it wasn’t going to work.

One day, however, she did manage to leave the bed. Her wedding dress wouldn’t stop staring at her from its place hung over the dresser, and she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Made of white satin, the dress was simple, no sequins or lace, with a square neckline and straps to hold it up. It wrapped around her figure nicely, and came with a veil that fell down to the floor. She had allowed sequins for the veil alone because it made her mother cry. Her maid of honor, Amber, had immediately started gushing about how perfect it was for her and how she would do Amy’s hair and makeup that day to compliment her perfectly.

She held the dress in her hands, feeling the soft material for what might be the last time. The thought of ever putting it on again felt like self-flagellation, so she dug through the back of her closet and put the dress behind as many clothes as possible to prevent ever seeing it again. As satisfied as she could be with the coverup, Amy returned to bed for the day.

Her family and friends all tried getting ahold of her after she initially called to let them know, but after that she kept her phone off the majority of the time. She didn’t want to hear their pity. She didn’t want to see the looks on their faces, and she certainly didn’t want to have to explain why the wedding was off again and again. Thinking about either Nick or Zach was the last thing she wanted.

By the end of the month, the doorbell rang.

Amy’s head lifted at the sound she hadn’t heard in ages. No one had come to the house but Nick to get some of his things. Not even her parents, who had mixed feelings about the whole thing, had come in all that time.

The doorbell rang again. She supposed she should probably get it, though she didn’t know what she would say to whoever it was, if she could even speak anymore.

Trudging down the steps, she tried to make out who it was through the warped glass beside the door, but couldn’t see anything. They rang again.

“I’m coming.” So she could speak after all.

Amy didn’t know what she had expected as she turned the knob, but it certainly wasn’t this.

“Hi, Amy,” said Mrs. Stone.

Amy was suddenly very aware that she was wearing sweatpants and an old t-shirt with no effort put into her appearance whatsoever, and felt her face grow hot with embarrassment.

“Oh, Mrs. Stone, I–I didn’t expect you… Um, not to be rude, but, why are you here?”

Sydney smiled and only then did Amy realize she was holding a bottle of wine and pizza.

“Figured you might want to talk.”

*****

“What did he tell you?” Amy asked as she poured her second glass of wine. Sydney shook her head as she swallowed a mouthful of pizza.

“As much as he was willing to tell me, I think, saving all the explicit details, thankfully.”

Amy lifted her brows, equally grateful.

“He said he needed to get better, and that you made him see that. So… I wanted to thank you for that.”

Amy gave a weak smile. “I didn’t really do anything, I don’t know why he’d say that.”

“Oh stop, yes you do. It may not be what you wanna hear right now, but it’s true.” Sydney smiled warmly at her. “He loves you.”

Amy’s jaw clenched and she felt her stomach turn after hearing it from his mother. She had wondered in the past few weeks if he actually meant it, if she had made it up in her head or if he only said it to get in bed with her. But he told his mother.

“I mean, I wish I could’ve gotten through to him, but I’m glad someone finally did.” She chuckled as she raised her brow.

“Mrs. Stone–” Amy started, feeling guilt wash over her.

“What have I told you about calling me that? Makes me feel old,” she said, shaking her head in disapproval.

“Sorry, Sydney, I just… I don’t know what to think anymore. Don’t get me started on how I feel because I have no idea about that either.”

She tucked her knees up to her chest on the couch opposite Sydney as she sipped her wine. She felt like a tree whipped bare by a storm in the night, every tear had already fallen, leaves ripped from their branches. Now, she lived in the gray haze of the morning after, the heavy fog settling in so she couldn’t see five feet in front of her. She kept waiting for the fog to drop, but was beginning to think it never would.

“You don’t have to know.”

Amy brought her eyes to focus again. “What?”

“You don’t have to know how you feel. You’re grieving, that’s all you need to know. Just take it one day at a time. Don’t think about anyone but yourself right now.”

Amy let out the breath she realized she was holding and nodded.

“Thank you.” She reached over to grab more pizza. “How are you doing, anyway?”

“Oh, you know, grieving,” said Sydney. “But I take it one day at a time. Talking about it helps, I’ve found. That and the wine.”

They both grinned. Amy always admired her more than she let on, and this was just one of many reasons why. A thought came as the setting sun cast shadows behind her.

“Zach told you to check on me, didn’t he?”

Sydney laughed and put on an offended face. “What, you don’t think I came here out of the goodness of my own heart?”

“No, no, I didn’t mean that!” She giggled.

“I know, it’s fine,” Sydney waved it off. “But yes, he did.”

Amy ran a hand through her hair as she shook her head.

“He didn’t need to do that, you don’t need to. I’m fine, really.”

“Oh, yeah, clearly,” Sydney remarked. She gave her what Amy could only think to describe as a “motherly look.”

“What? I am, really!”

“Mhm, sure,” she chuckled. “But you can always talk about what isn’t bothering you with me, just so you know.”

“I know, I just… I really don’t wanna talk about him.”

Sydney’s face softened, and Amy worried she offended her, but then Sydney stood and made her way to the kitchen.

“Perfect. You pick the movie and I’ll make the popcorn.”

*****

For the first time in ten years, Zach Stone was clean.

It was… strange.

He thought his senses were heightened most when he was using, but the last two months had proven him wrong. It was an alien feeling to him now, to be able to feel so much, through all five senses. Granted, he had done pretty irreparable damage to his nostrils, but anything that could be salvaged was mostly returned to him.

The process was embarrassing, shameful, painful, boring (he didn’t think he could sit in another circle of people complaining again in his lifetime without vomiting), but ultimately, what he needed.

He had been so determined to make the two month deadline that he actually did it, much to the disbelief of everyone and most of all to himself. There were a couple people who had recognized him in rehab, which did not help the sense of unease present during his stay, but it was a reality check he probably needed. To know there were still people who remembered him, and that they remembered what he did to be in rehab, was more motivation to get clean.

The ultimate motivator, though, was always Amy, who he hoped to see today.

He was being released today, the day before her wedding date, and Zach was at once more than ready to see her again, and also more afraid than he’d ever been in his life. He didn’t know what had transpired between Amy and Nick since he last saw them, since he wasn’t allowed any access to the outside world. He guessed, though, based on their last interaction he was a part of, that it couldn’t have been good. He was also terrified at the thought that she had made up her mind in either direction, to stay with Nick or to be without them both. Zach certainly wouldn’t blame her either way, he had given her enough reason through the years not to take him seriously this time, but he hoped against everything that she had listened to him before he left.

His entire family was motivation enough to get clean, but at the end of each day his thoughts came back to Amy. He had wronged her so thoroughly that he was not at all sure she would give him the time of day again, even after their last meeting, which he held in his mind every single day at rehab. He held to it so closely that he may have deluded himself into hoping against all logic.

As he walked through the entryway, Zach was handed back a bag of his belongings, his phone and clothes tucked away inside. He followed the security guard in front of him with a steady pace. His mind may have been racing with anxious thoughts to the point of labored breathing, but his body no longer shook. He was no longer hyper-aware of each and every nerve beneath his skin. He was no longer a system of uncontrollable impulses, living at their will. He was no longer a ghost of his former self living in its shell. Zach was alive.

When one becomes alive, for the first time or otherwise, their first experience is often to be blinded by light. And even though Zach had been surrounded by nothing but the sterile glare of bleached uniforms and white walls, none of it compared to stepping out underneath the sun for the first time in two months.

The world was bright and loud and overwhelming. He held a hand up to shield his eyes from the sun as the guard wished him good luck, closed the gate behind him and returned back inside, leaving Zach in his white uniform, bare to the elements.

He was so blinded and overwhelmed, not only by the light but the high-pitched howls of the birds, the traffic rushing by on the street, the wind playing with his hair as if in welcome, that he didn’t notice who was waiting for him at the end of the walkway.

Gradually, as she walked towards him, his eyes adjusted and she came into focus.

“Hi, Zachary.”

“Hi, mom.”

They both quickly burst into tears as they hugged each other tight, never wanting to let go again. She was in his thoughts all that time just as much as Amy, there was no way she couldn’t be.

“I love you, mom. I’m so sorry. I don’t tell you enough.”

“You never had to. I love you too.”

Grudgingly parting from him, he straightened himself, offering himself up for her judgment as he wiped away the tears.

“So, how are you?” She asked through shocked laughter.

“I’m… I’m better.”

He grinned because it was the truth. He wasn’t sure until he said it, but now he knew. It was the first time in a lifetime.

She choked back another sob as she smiled ear to ear, then took one of his hands.

“Good. That’s my boy.”

He shook his head at her joy, unable to stop smiling himself, but wanting to give her fair warning.

“Look, mom, I… I know there’s no reason for you to trust that, coming from me. But really, I’m good, and I’ll prove it to you. I’m not, like, one hundred percent yet, but I’d say I’m like, eighty, just leaving room for improvement, ya’know?”

She laughed again through her tears.

“You don’t need to prove it, honey. I can see it.” She lifted a hand to his face. “But what do you say we get you cleaned up first so everyone else can see it? Do they not cut your hair in there or what?”

She twirled one of his curled locks that had grown back down to his shoulders and he laughed.

“No, not really. They don’t keep scissors on the premises.”

“Oh, right,” she said, her face dropping a little before another thought came to mind.

“Well, we can’t have you going to see Amy looking like a caveman.”

Zach froze, his hand becoming a dead weight in hers.

“She… she’ll see me?”

“She knows you’re coming out today, she just doesn’t know when. I told her I’d see you first.”

He nodded. “To check, right.”

“She’s still grieving, honey.”

“I know, I know. I just, I want… I want her to see me.”

She smiled again. “She will, Zach, but you have to see her too. Just… be gentle with her, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

She wrapped him in her arms again.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Fall was rearing its head around the corner, but Zach felt a warmth he hadn’t felt in years.

“Thank you, mom.”

*****

It was almost 3pm, nearing the time when school was out, and Amy would come through the doors.

After a visit to the barber and going back to his mother’s house to dig through his clothes for the suit he came in, he was finally looking presentable. His beard was trimmed back now to a light dusting, and his hair framed his face down to his ears elegantly, tight curls remaining at the back of his neck. The final touch was hidden behind his back. He ran to the flower shop at the last minute to pick up a bouquet of her favorites: sunflowers and peonies. He desperately hoped it was enough, that he was enough.

After checking his watch for the millionth time, Zach stood in front of her car in the parking lot as the last bell of the school day rang out. A sea of children ran outside to various cars and buses, and despite how tall he was he still stood on the tips of his toes, searching for any sign of her.

Finally, after five agonizing minutes, his breath hitched in his throat at the sight of her, eyes glued to her phone, and remembered his mother’s words:

Be gentle.

He brought out the flowers from behind his back and waited as she walked forward without looking up.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, did you order a newly-released mental patient?”

The bag of binders and books she carried dropped to the pavement at his voice and she raised her eyes to him. She stood in place for a moment, unsure of what to do, before a brilliant smile graced her face. He was radiating just at the sight of her.

“Hi, Amy.”

‘Oh my god, Zach!”

The flowers were nearly crushed as she ran to embrace him, Zach moving them out of the way at the last second with a laugh before he wrapped his arms around her in return. One arm encircled her waist while his free hand held the back of her head to his shoulder. He knew he couldn’t keep her safe before because he was the danger in her life. Now he was certain he was up for the job.

“Your mom was supposed to text me when you came out!”

“Yeah, well, the Stones aren’t exactly great with phones. Family trait, I guess,” he laughed with her. “Hold on,” he said as he pulled away.

“These are for you.”

She looked from him to the flowers and back again, rendered speechless once more before taking them.

“Thank you, Zach, they’re beautiful.”

“But they’re not, like, something to pressure you into making any decisions right now, okay? I just wanted to get them for you. And I wanted to tell you that I’m better. I’m a lot better, actually. I’m not totally better, I’m not like, ‘Bachelor Perfect’ or anything, but I-I’m better than I used to be, I think. Anyway, I just wanna let you know that I know that I fucked up, and I know a lot has probably happened with you since I’ve been gone and I wanna hear about anything you’re willing to tell me, no pressure or anything, but I just–”

He was cut off by her kiss, wrapping her hands around his neck with flowers still in hand. Cautiously, he brought his hands to rest on her waist and savored her lips he had yearned for for the last two months. He was sure when he signed himself up that he would be okay being without her since he had done so for the last ten years. He was so incredibly wrong.

She parted from him slowly, both taking their time to open their eyes again.

“I love you.”

Zach suddenly couldn’t feel the ground beneath him. He knew he was holding onto her, though, so he knew he would be okay.

“I love you, too.”

#bo burnham #zach stone #zach stone is gonna be famous #zsigbf #iwgb #i wanna get better #he done did it yall #he got better #dont look at me omg #that's our boy #this story is somehow nearing its end

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nona-piccolo · 3 years

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Princes of Hell AU

Warnings: none, unless the mention of “hell” and demons bothers you

This is my own little AU where Obey Me brothers are genuinely princes of hell, and each of them occupy a Circle of Hell where the damned come to be eternally punished; there is no school, there is no RAD, and there is no funny banter 😈 When I had first played Obey Me, I always imagined a more darker story to the brothers, ones that involve fighting and action, and less of the romance aspect, especially since they are in fact demons, and each of them possess the burden of a sin. I always just thought it would be interesting to view them in a reign of power for a territory of their own. I also really really wanted to speak about the boys’ abilities and powers, so their strengths and combat is also talked about.

Please enjoy my little indulgence!

Okay so hear me out, there are seven rings of hell that occupy the space of the underworld. The worse of a person you had been on earth, the further into the ring you get placed in--- this also deals with the punishment that is endured. To put it simply, the rings are formed from 1 to 7: 1 being the least terrifying, while being placed in ring 7 is reserved for the worst and scummiest human beings. Taking off from there then, that leads us to the very first prince and owner of the 1st circle of hell:

Leviathan - 1st Circle of Hell:

They call this place Sheol. One thing that greatly differs Leviathan’s circle compared to the others is that fact that his circle is not a physical layer. There is no land. In fact, Leviathan's layer is almost sea-like, with spirits floating through the sky and composed of a sea of high whines of envy. The misty green layer is also the largest part of hell, considering it is the outer-most layer of the circle and takes up the most surface area. Leviathan is comfortable in his true form here (a giant beastly Leviathan) with eyes filled with envy to roam his territory. Leviathan is a powerful being, able to summon and control hideous demonic ocean creatures to do his bidding. His brothers are cautious if ever caught in a fight with him; Leviathan’s control can absolutely crush and overflood the other circles of hell. Many are terrified of him, and rumors had gone around saying he has the potential to become 2nd, maybe even 1st strongest of the Devildom, but his downfall and probably biggest weakness, is the time he spends moping about the things he doesn't have. The feeling of envy has crippled him to a pathetic and whiny ruler. Still, he appears to be one of the best of his brothers, as he doesn’t need to do much to care for the crying souls that wander around lifeless.

Asmodeus - 2nd Circle of Hell:

They call the 2nd Circle of Hell Dis--- the most laid back circle of all of them. Yes, even more so than Leviathan’s. Now you may think it would be odd, especially for Asmodeus’s circle to be placed where it is. But the people bound here for all eternity have the guilty pleasure of what Asmodeus finds entertaining. All demons and humans there are not tortured, with no laws, and given the ability to do whatever it is they desire. He likes to be surrounded by succubi and incubbi almost constantly. Asmo hates humans the least, and feels no need to want revenge. Being in hell and stripped of everything is punishment enough for him. Talking about abilities, Asmodeus himself would say that he isn’t fit for physical combat. Instead, he was given the ability to charm any creature or non creature he sees fit. With just a look in his eyes, he commands every bone in their bodies. Very few people are immune to this charm, but every once in a millennia he will meet someone who doesn't fall to his charm. This bothers him immensely.

Belphegor - 3rd Circle of Hell:

Gehhena. That is the name of his circle. Opposite to his twin brother Beelzebub, Belphegor has a barren land of almost nothingness... Everything is shrouded with sloth, to the point where not even the air moves. Too lazy to make changes to his kingdom, there is a constant stagnation within his circle. His followers are left sitting there with nothing except constant loneliness and nothing to ease their boredom. Belphegor, the ruler that he is, sleeps on his throne any moment he can, and the crazed state he left his followers in have caused them to struggle with each other on who will get the throne. They feel they will go crazy if no one takes up Belphegor’s place. And so they plan to take his throne. Acting like he doesn't know about the plan to overthrow him, Belphie is pleased to spend all of eternity with the entertainment of watching his underlings argue to no end on who should sit on his throne. Belph doesn't seem like the brightest, especially due to his dozing and sleeping, but perhaps that's where he and Mammon are able to catch opponents off guard. Being underestimated is what Belph depends on, and frankly he seems to enjoy it just as much. He is the youngest of his brothers, and therefore the weakest physically, but his ability can be powerful in controlling what happens in other's dreams. This demon does his dirty work in the dream realm, having full and complete capabilities to cause disaster in his enemies through during their most vulnerable moments--- sleep. His constant state of sleep can ease others into a sleeping death, where the dream realm becomes Belphegor's greatest strength. He feels no need to try and climb the ranks higher. He is content where he is.

Mammon - 4th Circle of Hell:

Pandaemonium is the name of Mammon’s circle. Perhaps the greatest designed circle of hell, Mammon's image of what he wanted hell to look like is what came true on his land. He has complete control of what he wishes his kingdom will look like. As a great architect, he believes that hell could be just as great as heaven, and tried to prove it to Lucifer by designing Lucifer's very castle. Mammon’s land is filled with enormous landmarks and sky scrapers that appear to touch the stars. His circle of hell has the most impressive buildings and works of art, truly impressive to look at, but... as a ruler, Mammon isn't too good. There are still so many unfinished buildings and projects that he has abandoned in order for his subjects to mine and work in labor for eternity, finding the greatest diamonds and jewels within the ground to bring back to Mammon's castle. They needed to keep their master rich somehow. The work loads for his followers keeps increasing with every little thing Mammon craves for. More and more buildings, more and more diamonds, he can never get enough of it. Although rarely any violence ensures, his underlings constantly screw each other over in order to survive. And like his followers, Mammon is not particularly violent. In fact he shows more of a masochistic side, letting other people take out their frustration on him. This is ironic, due to Mammon's main ability being his luck. Among other demons and humans, his sheer luck and ability to gamble come in handy for him; getting him out of situation after situation. In the battlefield, he is often used as a decoy, his luck coming in handy to miss fatal wounds and strikes. It is also said Mammon's speed can rival Beelzebub's, yet he seems to run even faster if it's to get away from trouble.

Beelzebub - 5th Circle of Hell:

Beelzebub’s circle was named Tantarus, or better yet the Tantarus Pit. It is a massive swamp, and with basically an "eat or be eaten" policy. His people are desperate in getting whatever they can in their search for sustainability. Although not particularly strict, Beel's attitude of eating whatever he wants can become a scary factor. He has many good cooks enslaved, whom make meals for him almost constantly. Much like Mammon, the people in the 4th circle of hell are forced into an everlasting workload. Yet unlike Mammon, Beelzebub has been known to get impatient, sometimes swallowing up the nearest thing he can find--- whether it’s a person, or the dinner table. He does not purposefully seek out trouble though, and prefers to keep to himself--- or with Belphegor. His circle is too far from Belphie, much to Beelzebub’s dismay, but Lucifer had simply brushed it off and told him he needed to deal with it. With super strength and speed, Beel is by far the physically strongest of his brothers. His frightening stature, height, and gluttony puts him at the very top of the list for being intimidating. Along with the constant intake of food, he makes sure to exercise and keep the bounds of muscles he has solidified on his body.

Satan - 6th Circle of Hell:

Satan owns the circle of Malebolge. There are two sides in Malebolge, and both sides are at constant war with each other. The pain and horror of war is everlasting and perpetual. Satan trains his people for the day they get a chance to attack the Celestial Realm. It is by far the most violent and frightening circle of hell. Satan is a monster fuming with hatred and insults. His control over his wrath had been let go a long time ago; he had let it overwhelm him and take control. To the point where Satan’s very presence on the battle field freezes opponents up in their tracks. Continuing to fight Satan for more than a few minutes will trigger his ability. He had all of eternity to practice thinking clearly through his anger and wrath--- it is no longer a roadblock to him. But he uses this as his greatest weapon. Fighting Satan for longer than a few minutes will provoke a growing rage inside of you; like the pressure of a dam against the heavy weight of water. His opponent will begin to think unclearly--- they will feel frustration and rage, giving Satan a chance to strike them down. Skilled and precise, he taught himself to suppress anything other than the rage he feels in order to kill more efficiently. Unlike his brothers, Satan prefers to use a sword in battle, and he can do so both methodically and elegantly (particularly Archangel Michael's sword that had fallen into Heaven with his other brothers).

Lucifer - 7th Circle of Hell:

Of course, the last and most dreadful circle of hell is reserved for Lucifer himself. Cocytus is what he had called it. This circle occupies the smallest space, taking the very center of the ring he and his brothers had formed. In the very middle lies Lucifer’s giant castle he had built just for himself. Lucifer's castle Helviti is where he stays, and where his most valuable followers and favorites live. The castle is all Lucifer really needs to be content. There are dreadful winds here, the cold and winter storms are drastically below freezing temperatures, keeping and reminding him that he could never ascend to the warmth of the Celestial Realm. So he is glad to have a warm place to stay in order to keep out the numbing weather. His people however... are left in a biting state of paralysis from the freezing cold; left out of the castle to rot. The most powerful of his brothers, Lucifer's cunning behavior and strict attitude are just added weapons alongside his ability of energy manipulation. Two of his six wings were disintegrated from his fall from Heaven to hell, and turned from a pure white to a rich black. He is also the only one who can control Cerberus, an enormous three-headed dog he keeps right by his side.

#obey me #obey me AU #obey me headcanons

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hollyhomburg · 4 years

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Reasons Wretched and Divine (Part 3)

↪ Genre: hybrid au, polyamory au, Hurt/Comfort, Recovery, pregnancy

↪ Pairing: dog hybrid! Namjoon x Reader x Golden Retriever! Jimin

↪ Summary: You live on an isolated but sprawling farm with your abusive husband. But things start to change for the better when you adopt a retired police dog hybrid named Namjoon.

↪ Tags: Mentions of psychological abuse, physical abuse, concussions, hurt/comfort, hybrid mistreatment, Jimin is a little hopeless, first time saying i love you, heavy kissing/touching over clothes, pregnancy, overprotective namjoon, romanticized farm life.

↪ Song rec: Zero o'clock ~ BTS

↪ W/c: 5.9k

🐾 PART 1 🐾 PART 2 🐾

- Taehyung’s smile, waiting to welcome any hybrid to the farm and offer them a bunk and a cup of tea or coffee, does wonders for your retention rate at the farm.

- Pretty soon more hybrids are staying more nights or asking you how long they can stay. And you always reply “as long as you need too” (though there are a few who just only stay a few days to rest and recuperate and then move on, the deer hybrids are particularly nomadic) but the bunk beds in the first finished barn fill up over the course of the first month.

- It's you who has the idea to put up ads in newspapers and at bus stops for humans who want to help hybrids but can’t take any in. You get quite a few calls from people who have seen their neighbors beating their hybrids, or who have found injured hybrids along the road.

- You even get a call from a hospital at one point. Pet stores call too- having picked up hybrids from the streets, or have hybrids that have grown too old- haven’t been adopted after a few months or like they call it ‘excess stock’. Even though it seems horrible to think of them that way, to most of the world hybrids are little more than possessions.

- You and Namjoon always drive and pick whoever it is up rain or shine. You get calls in the middle of the night and have to leave immediately despite the fact that you’re getting more obviously pregnant day by day, and your baby bump fully visible to outsiders, unconcealable under all but the baggiest of shirts.

- Namjoon’s slowly growing collection of red flannel shirts (really he only likes the red ones) is your favorite thing to raid on the days that you’re feeling particularly self-conscious about your body. And it always makes your puppy a certain kind of needy, wanting to have you close always (which is a plus, not that you’d ever tell Namjoon what his whines do to you)

- When it comes to giving up unwanted hybrids, Very few people argue with the crazy pregnant lady and her intimidating hybrid with the scarred face. And if they do argue, a stack of money is usually enough to convince even the most reluctant of people to part with their hybrids.

- The most you’ve ever had to pay an owner to give up their already unwanted hybrid is around 1,000 dollars, and too you- they’re worth much more than that. to see the way they change when they suddenly find themselves safe for the first time in their lives- it’s priceless to you and namjoon.

- It breaks your heart when you take them home, and the first few days, where they watch everything like it might disappear, when they walk on eggshells of their old lives, so worried that they’re going to be thrown out. When they hoard food worried it’s going to be taken away, flinch at every raised hand. it breaks your heart, but it also makes you feel accomplished when they slowly start to heal, start to laugh louder than they ever have, start to joke and play over meal times, seak you out for a reassuring heat pet.

- And although you hold more than a dozen certificates of ownership at a time, you’re clear to any hybrid that walks onto your property that they’re their own person, that they owe you nothing and that their freedom and autonomy will be given the second they ask for it.

- No matter who they are or where they came from, their age, what kind of ears they have on the top of their heads, they are given a bunk, a fresh change of clothes (or two) and at least 2 meals a day. though- mealtimes are easily the hardest part of your operation and the thing that gives you the biggest headache. Making sure you’ve made enough food for everyone after the bunk beds fill up very very quickly when word starts to get around in the stray community.

- luckily- you had the forethought to expand your kitchen, and now you have 3 ovens, a larger than average dishwasher, 2 sinks, and industrial-sized refrigerators in the cellar. Meals become the most important and most involved part of your day. You’re thankful that a few of the hybrid who has come to stay with you- particularly the cat hybrids, seems to have a knack for cooking who often let themselves into the first level of your house before the sun rises- their nocturnal inclinations useful for once.

- it’s quite the shock, the first day you walk downstairs at 6am, intent on starting breakfast, only to find 3 cat hybrids- one arrived yesterday- a middle-aged forest cat with little tufts on the end of her ears named Heesun, who is already pressing a warm cup of tea into your hands and telling you to sit down. The rest of the cats buzzing around your kitchen, the smell of frying vegetables and eggs already tickling at your nose. “are you sure you’ve got everything?”

- “of course! when the others told me that you usually cook the food in the mornings- i didn’t think that was right you see- you’re doing so much for us here- let us do this” you watch as she divides labor, the other two cat hybrids following her lead, you ask, and the hybrid tells you she used to be a cook for the family she used to live with. you don’t ask what emancipated her out of their care, Heesun had shown up on the edge of the farm yesterday with a noticeable limp.

- It’s not surprising to you that after a few days Heesun asks you if she can become a permanent resident of the farm. Any hybrid is free to leave when they want but most choose to stay and contribute. It’s a little surprising, the first day you walk out your front door to find one of the hybrids sweeping up some leaves, or when one of them comes to get Namjoon’s help repairing the side of one of the barns.

- At first- both of you are adamant apposed to them helping, but Taehyung helps mediate between the main house and the hybrids in the barns. And the 10 or so that have stuck around who express to you that it would make them feel more comfortable staying here if they could help out.

- And it’s not like you don’t need the help- because really, as the population of the farm exceeds 20, you really really do.

- They mostly run the chore system themselves, Namjoon and Taehyung keep a running list of chores that need to be done and guide a few groups in the morning that want to work. All hybrids who stay contribute in some way, Weather that is with the bunny hybrids that run around doing laundry and sweeping, and cleaning to their heart's content or the bear hybrids led by Taehyung. Everyone has their jobs.

- You have three bear hybrids in total, Tae, a small honey-colored bear named Beomgyu, and a panda hybrid named Jackson that help you collect the honey from beehives and sell it at the farmers market. Though Taehyung manages to eat more honey than they sell somehow and is constantly scolded by both Jackson and Namjoon (Even if the beehives where his idea). Most of the time when you see him- Tae has sticky cheeks.

- But Namjoon will basically let Taehyung get away with anything, seeing as the hybrid contributes the most to making the farm run smoothly. Taehyung is always egger to help you with anything that needs to be done unable to keep still. Whether that be runs to the store with you to buy mountains of food needed to feed everyone, Coupon clipping, or the general wrangling and organization. The more technical things, like fixing up some of the other buildings, like the chicken coop and actual animal barns that have fallen into disrepair, are left mostly to namjoon.

- You’re given nearly 30 chickens and half a dozen sheep by a local after the owners of them get too old to properly take care of them. As much as they’re a headache access to more than three dozen eggs a day helps to cut down the cost of breakfast significantly. And you’re happy with the chickens because at the very least they aerate the soil and keep it free of bugs too, even if it means you need to fence in the vegetable garden that you’re cultivating to keep them away from the tomatoes.

- Scrambled eggs with bacon, breakfast burritos, frittatas, and fried eggs are some of your breakfast staples. And you get more than a little help from some of the hybrids who have experience in cooking during meal times to feed the nearly 50 occupants of the farm by the end of the second month.

- You’ve accumulated a few dog hybrids as well, Wide-eyed collie Dahyun, chow-chow Yugyeom, and muscly great-dane hybrid Shownu who help Namjoon whenever something needs to be moved, as well as an assortment of rare breeds like the lone alpaca hybrid Seokjin who takes care of the sheep when you have to shear them and spin the wool into fine quality yarn.

- Seokjin is a quiet hybrid, uncannily taciturn despite his kind face. he can often be found in the workshop at the south end of the property, his hair blonde and poofy hiding his soft pink ears. Piling the mountains of wool into vats of dyes and setting others out to dry, whistling along to the radio as he weaves it. the hybrid is quiet- and prefers his space from the bustle of the center of the property. Namjoon likes to help him when he can, and you’ve seen the way that the usually taciturn hybrid turns smiley when namjoon is around.

- There is always someone volunteering to do the countless other little jobs and things that the hybrids do or make to help give back to you. Most of them want to do as much as they can, even though there are still days where there simply isn’t a lot of work to do outside of mealtimes.

- At night, when you retreat to your house after dinner with Namjoon, happy for a little bit of calmness in your kitchen so late. You’ll hold his hand, let him spin you to the tune of whatever plays out of the radio, and thank him for finding you again after you disappeared into yourself for a little while after your husband's death. You don’t feel quite so sad anymore, with the hybrids here- you have a purpose again.

- The large fortune you have from your late husband is barely dented by the start-up costs and day-to-day costs of running the farm. And since you got licensed by the state as a hybrid rehabilitation center you have no shortage of funding or generous donations by the countries rich looking to deduct from their taxes too. The same rich people that stop by in their fancy cars and barely used trucks to see the farm, often asking to adopt, as enamored with the hybrids as you are.

- There is a long judgment period before you sign over anyone, and more than once you have declined an offer after the hybrid in question tells you they’re unsure. Sometimes there are red flags, the way the children act almost fearful, and a lack of care shown during mealtimes or something else that leads you to believe that they will be neglected. The ones you do part with give you a hug, often almost not wanting to let go, some of them choking out ‘thank you’s’ and ‘please never close’ that make every bit of effort worth it.

- You keep a logbook, of every hybrid that comes to stay and when they leave, even some come back more than once, every now and then. At the top of the page is namjoon’s signature, and next is taehyungs, and then on and on. you fill up the first page, and then the second, and then the third with names.

- All the hybrids know that they won't leave with anyone unless they want to. You hold adoption weekends every month or so to help mitigate some of the influx, but you never turn anyone away who comes to stay. There are some hybrids that come stay at the farm and still want a home of their own, which is the primary reason why you start to have open houses and adoption weekends.

- You devise a system, red tags on clothing to indicate a hybrid that doesn’t want to be adopted, yellow for the ones that might be but need space, and green name tags for those who want to be adopted.

- The first time you have one of these weekends, 3 months after the death of your husband, you leave Namjoon’s choice of which sticker he wants up to him. He rolls his eyes at you before slapping 5 red stickers on his lapel just for good measure, really? Why would you expect any differently?

- “Whose going to love a washed-up old soul like me anyway?” Namjoon says over dishes, helping you finish up the few that are leftover from breakfast. The hybrids that normally help are out meeting with the ten or so people that have come to adopt today. The words sound so sour, much more than he wanted them too.

- You snort, rubbing at a dish harder, splashing the grease onto the front of your apron, angry, maybe it’s just the hormones. “I don’t know, me maybe.” Namjoon looks up abruptly; nearly dropping the dish he’s drying. You take it from his hands and put it on the counter, and you might be smaller than him by nearly a foot but he still feels shy. his cheeks pinking as he looks down at you.

- “No ones- no ones ever loved me.” Namjoon says in a rush, not sure why he’s saying it, because you know- if anyone in the world knows Namjoon it’s you. your batterd soul matches his.

- You tilt his chin down to yours, “no one has ever said it to me and meant it either. But I love you Joonie- you have to know that by now- of course I want you to stay for good.”

- And then suddenly Namjoon is kissing you feverishly, sloppily despite the fact that his body is brimming with careful intent. And it may not be the first kiss you’ve shared- there have been more than a few in the shadowed shared moments In the morning. Mostly chaste pecks of the lips or kisses to your forehead or the ones to your tummy that namjoon knows make you feel a little sad. But for all intents and purposes, this is the only kiss that matters. The kisses that come after the first “I love you” are always sweeter than candy.

- You thread your fingers through his hair and pull, making tingles erupt like starlight down his spine. Namjoon almost growls into your mouth as he reaches down to grip underneath your thighs where your ass meets your hips. Picking you up as gently as he can manage and placing you on the butcher-block countertop next to the sink.

- Your nails rubbing along the curve where his ears connect to his scull and he pulls you closer, always closer, dissatisfied with your nearness even though you’re pressed against him completely and he can feel the gentle swell of you through his clothes. your legs parted so he can step between them. Namjoon wants to not be able to tell where your skin begins and his ends. Your hands run up and down his chest, pushing his flannel off of his shoulders, so you can feel his biceps, the strength there in them taught.

- Your dress hiking up to the point where it’s verging on lewd as his hands grab fistfulls of your plush thighs. He grips the weight you’ve gained there through your pregnancy and almost groans as he smooth’s his hands up over your curves unable to get enough of the way his fingers press into your supple skin. “Fuck, do you know how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that? To touch you? i love you too- so much it hurts sometimes.”

- You’re looking up at him, already looking needy and wrecked the spaghetti strap of your dress sliding off your shoulder, as you nod and Namjoon wants more than anything to keep kissing you, to never stop, he never will if you let him.

- He feels like he almost wants to devour you nipping lightly at the skin exposed by that fallen strap. As your fingers hover around the nape of his neck, answering his question with a broken whimper as he nips along your clavicle to your neck. Drunk on the smell of you, feeling like his soul is bare but safe in your hands. “I love you- god I love you so much, please can - can i- touch you?”

- You feel almost incredulous, you head spinning with the knowledge that Namjoon loves you, he loves you, and you love him. You nod your ascent, and After everything, you’d never honestly believed that you’d ever be kissed again, much less that you’d ever be kissed like this. You tug up the hem of his shirt to dig your fingers into hips, dragging them carefully down his stomach without using your nails, the gentleness of the touch making him groan.

- You can feel his heartbeat in your fingertips, the rapid rhythms of each heart beating in time as Namjoon kisses down your chest, mouthing roughly at your nipple through the fabric, careful not to nip, you’re already keening, your breasts so sensitive to his gentle but hungry ministrations.

- Before it can go any further a cat hybrid, a small tortashell cat named Irene whose missing the tip of one of her ears from her last owner opens the front door looking for you- announcing a few people come for the open house, shocked to find the scene before her. And before she can manage more than a squeak Namjoon is snarling at her to leave without words.

- He’s flushing so hard at being caught that you can’t help but laugh, as he turns from sultry to painfully shy. After a few more kisses and a frustrated groan on his part, you go back outside to join the adoption day festivities.

- You get the call to pick up a golden retriever hybrid much like you would get any other call.

- It’s the second you’ve gotten in the last week and it’s only Thursday, though the first hybrid of the week has been clear that she wants to be re-adopted as soon as possible. You get the call and a blurry picture as proof, a brutish man with a hand tugging a small blonde head with golden ears as curly as the rest of his head. the neighbor tells you he’d seen the man beat the hybrid out in the yard, heard his cries of stop- and though of your add in the paper.

- You and namjoon leave soon after dinner in your old red truck, before you go Taehyung assures you that he’ll make sure everyone cleans up from dinner and that the two child hybrids that came to stay last week will be in bed before 10. It honestly endears you that Taehyung takes on an older brother role with a lot of the younger hybrids, who during free hours, can be found bothering the bear hybrid to play games or let them steal spoonful’s of honey from the storeroom.

- The drive is long, the day fading into night as you and Namjoon take mile after mile to heart. He switches off with you on the straightaways. You’ve been trying to teach him how to drive over the past few months (with many quaint misshapes where he accidentally knocked over your mailbox and a street sign or two, it’s a good thing your old truck is incredibly sturdy).

- You whistle along with the song on the radio and namjoon smiles over at you, you're leaning your cheek on the door, hanging your head out of the open window the warm spring air tickling your long hair, your smile soft and happy. The love he has for you overflowing in his chest, thick and sweet like hidden honey. He might not say he loves you often, but you can taste it on his lips every time he kisses you, since the first confession, the kisses have come every day.

- Namjoon still gets a little misty-eyed if he thinks about it too much. How much better you’ve gotten in the past few months since you’ve opened your home and started helping hybrids. He knows what it means for you to be able to help others out of situations like this.

- With most pick-ups and house calls, you’re never sure what you’re driving into. Namjoon is always a little worried, unsure what kind of danger they’re going to find at the end of their journey.

- Namjoon always anticipates the day that the human owners become violent, and his protective instincts go haywire whenever Namjoon has to leave you near someone abusive. Dredging up memories from a time that you’re both desperately trying to forget, but he’d never ask you to stop coming on these runs.

- This is why when you get to the house on the edge of the city where Namjoon used to work he lets you handle the transactional part of this, it helps that you’re very convincing.

-The large jean jacket that was Namjoon’s at one point but has become yours pulled snugly over your stomach. You answer the door, talk to the owner weave a story of a widow who needs help on their farm. The man smells distinctly of alcohol and cheep cigars, namjoon sees you holding your breath- even as the conversation becomes less than cordial. Namjoon stops the door from closing in your face by shoving his foot into the door.

- “I’ll level with you asshole,” you say, “you can either take my money and hand over the hybrid now- or I can go to the police with this” you hold out your phone and the video. “The fine for abusing hybrids is just about as much as what I’m offering to take him off your hands. Either way he’s coming home with me tonight. You can either make 500 dollars tonight or lose it- your choice.”

- Through the whole conversation, Namjoon stands behind you, a silent sentinel even as the owner of the hybrid raises his voice. You argue more, but eventually, he agrees. Namjoon goes to retrieve the hybrid after a small nod from you; you’ve got this handled, Namjoon follows his nose.

- Over the past few years, Jimin has become accustomed to just about every kind of abuse there is.

- Even when he sleeps, adrenaline lugs it’s way through his veins ready to jump at the slightest indication of his owner coming down the hall. He knows he shouldn’t sleep right now, get it when he can, but the concussion he got earlier today makes his head feel heavy and nausea still rolls in his belly.

- He lies- hides- underneath his bed; an old military cot in the cold garage. Not that he ever sleeps on top of it- it’s safer to sleep underneath. That way if his owner comes in later at night he’ll think Jimin has fucked off to some other corner of the house.

- He knows the concussion is all his own fault- he’d been stupid- but he’d just wanted to shower, to get some of the grime out from under his fingernails, he hadn’t expected his owner to come back from wherever he disappeared to so soon. Jimin shivers as he remembers the jarring crack of his own head hitting the rocks outside where he’d been tossed outside. His memories after that were muddled with pain, though he was certain he’d vomited at one point from the taste in his mouth.

- You weren’t supposed to sleep when you had a concussion right? That was dangerous right? Jimin was trying to remember, lying on the side of his face that wasn’t bruised to all high heaven. He freezes when he hears the voices in the kitchen, but relaxes. If people are here that means his owner probably won’t bother Jimin tonight.

- he might be able to get to the bathroom later and dab some cool water on his face, maybe sneak a few handfuls of something from the kitchen. Always small portions so that his owner couldn’t tell Jimin had taken anything- he couldn’t handle another beating so close to this one. Hunger eats his way through his stomach.

- But then he hears the footsteps and thinks that maybe he isn’t so lucky tonight. he presses himself closer to the wall, tucking his knees up to his chest.

- But why are the footsteps a different pattern, what is that scent? it smells like another hybrid- a little spicy musk twined in with pine. Jimin doesn’t like strange smells. The door opens slowly, and the scent seeps in further, along with- what could that be? The scent of something delicate and sweet clinging to the hybrid as strong as his own scent, milky and soft, and inexplicably vulnerable.

- He watches as the stiff workboots come into view, At this point, jimin can tell that it’s definitely not his owner.

- Namjoon finds Jimin curled up under his bed in the garage, and beacons him out in his calm voice, careful not to get close and startle him. “Come on out pup- we’re here to take you somewhere safe, I promise I will let no harm come to you again.” jimin eases when he sees the hybrid ears- another hybrid like him! another dog, his tail gives a single wag. “mm not a pup- i’m just small,”

- Jimin pears out from under the bed at him, ears pinned to his head in fear. the hybrid looks fierce and intimidating with the scars on his face that jimin almost flinches back. But the wide worried eyes that he can see underneath those scars, the muted dimples stretching into a worried smile.

- Jimin has been so downtrodden on his entire life that he doesn’t really believe Namjoon when he repeats the words, “we’re here to take you somewhere safe?” jimin dosent believe him- but at the same time, he thinks that nowhere could be worse than right where he is.

- The other hybrids smile is kind, and dimply, despite the scars that mark his face as he sits on the ground so he dosent have to bend over to see under the cot. “sorry, it’s hard to get a good look at you, i’m namjoon, you’re Jimin right?”

- Jimin crawls out from under his cot in the garage slowly, the room spinning. half expecting the other hybrid to get tired of his slowness and yank him out. his owner did that sometimes when he felt like Jimin was being disrespectful of his time. Namjoon winces outwardly when Jimin’s left side turns towards the light, and Jimin knows that it can’t look good. He can barely see out of his eye after all the skin tender and swolen under his hands.

- He’s mindful of all the dust on his clothes and the tare in the left leg of his red shorts, brushing a dust bunny off his side, suddenly feeling lacking in front of the well taken care of hybrid.

- He follows a pace behind Namjoon back into the living room, his owner stands with you, you’re shorter but holding your own with sharp stubborn eyes. A human, so this must be Namjoon’s owner. The second your eyes fall on Jimin, on his swollen side of his face, your eyes turn softer and definitely angrier.

- The scent of flowers and cream hits Jimin like a wave so pungent that it fills his nostrils and overwhelms him a little, it’s not unpleasant- just unexpected- and when he sees you he understands why. Though you’re obviously trying to conceal your pregnant stomach your scent is a dead giveaway every hybrid in a mile radius probably can smell you.

- Jimin can see Namjoon straighten up a little, becoming more protective the closer they get to Jimin’s owner, who doesn’t look happy (not by a long, astronomical shot) Jimin shivers as he turns his eyes on him, his arms crossed, and Namjoon instinctually steps in front of Jimin to hide him from view. Jimin sways on his feet.

- You plunge your hand into your bag by your side, pulling out a stack of bills, for a moment jimin almost wants to stop you- tell you that he’s not worth that much, but Namjoon holds out a hand, almost pressing it to Jimin’s chest to keep him from doing so.

- The money is counted, “good riddance useless mutt,” his owner spits after he signs over the adoption documents to you. Jimin’s flinch is sobering, his owner laughs. Namjoon actually shoves him back The saliva hitting Jimin’s feet as he reels, and you lay a gentle arm around his shoulders, guiding him outside. Sending a final glare in the direction of the man.

- Jimin can barely process any of it through the spinning in his head, a spinning that moderately stops the second he gets outside into the cool air of the May evening. The scent of flowers and pine in his nose and the taste of blood in his mouth.

- You soothe him with a soft voice once they’re out of earshot and take a quick look at Jimin’s half swollen face. A cellphone flashlight in his face and thundering in his ears. Momentarily blinding him. Jimin closes his eye as the pads of your fingers turn his chin this way and that to assess his wounds. “Do you think you need to go to the hospital Jimin?” you ask, careful to stay quiet and delicate with him.

- In the window of Jimin’s old house, the curtain twitches, and Namjoon knows they need to leave soon. Bad will and money lead to safety that only lasts so long, and they definitely don’t need the cops called on them especially after Namjoon shoved him, hybrids have been sent to jail for less.

- “No, I think I’ll be fine” Jimin mumbles, unable to resist leaning into your hand, so soft, your scent making him feel almost hazy and out of it than his probable concussion does. And Namjoon freezes, reminded that not too long ago that you looked like this too- that he was the one leaning into your hands. The memory hits him so violently that he whines, low in his throat. Jimin looks up, ears flicking agitated like he’s asking what wrong, sending a panicked glance between the two of you defaulting to namjoon, the elder hybrid, to know what to do around you- his new owner.

- “let me- let's get you into the car” namjoon grips jimin around the top of his arms and lifts him in, his skinned knee resisting the bend that would be needed to pull himself up into the back seat. He sits tense and curled up before you remind him that he can stretch out. and he settles onto the seat with his his back up against one side, and his feet pressed against the opposite door. the back window open to let the night air wip in.

- You stop at the gas station and give Jimin ice for his black eye and some food and snacks, which he gobbles up hungrily. He’s so preoccupied with food, that he dosent notice Namjoon’s dimpled smile in the mirror after Jimin groans at how good the gas station burrito tastes, licking his fingers with a pop. You give Namjoon a soft, knowing look when his tail thumps against the seat. he tosses Jimin two more bags of chips and a sweet elecrtolite drink, and watches expectantly to see more of Jimin’s happy little whines and pleased grumbles. and you stifle a huffing laugh.

- Namjoon can’t help it, the hybrid in the back seat looks so thin, almost startlingly so; he’s smaller than average too- probably malnourished. Namjoon’s natural caregiver instincts flaring up and demanding to be satisfied so desperately that he even tosses his flannel over him when he sees the hybrid shiver. You sent Namjoon a curious look, and he hides his flush by turning to watch the roadside.

- Jimin stretches out across the back seat with Namjoon’s giant flannel thrown over his shoulders, checking to make sure neither of you is looking back at him before he presses the collar to his nose and takes a deep breath of your combines scents, trying to reconcile his senses with what surely must be a dream.

- This has to be just a concussion dream jimin decides, what else would his mind come up with, other than a sweet fantasy. Someone comes to take him out of the hell his life was, give him food. He wants to take in everything, the smell of the night air, the silhouette of your face in the headlights, namjoon’s ears poking out above the headrest.

- He hovers on Namjoon’s hand entwined with yours over the center console, the hand that Namjoon occasionally reaches out to rest against your swollen stomach, gently drawing lazy circles as you pull onto the main road.

- Yup, Jimin decides, this is definitely a dream, but he hopes it’s real. The last little bit of hope feels almost stupid to have, for hybrids like Jimin, there are very rarely happy endings.

- He falls asleep by the time you reach the highway, lulled by the thrumming road and the oldies song faintly playing out of the crackly speakers of the beat-up truck. His last thought before sleep takes him is hope.

- Jimin hopes with the last shred of himself that is joyful and kind and not purely concerned with survival that this is not a dream, and that where he is going will be a little bit better than where he just was.

- Even just a little bit better than this dream, he doesn’t even need anything like the affection burning in both of your eyes or the kindness you’ve shown him, if he can just lay his head down and rest without being worried he’ll be woken up with pain and fear again, that will be enough.

- To Jimin, the farm is an Eden.

( my Kofi )

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scribbleseas · 3 years

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Unfiltered, Chapter 2: A Little White Lie

Description: You are a freshly graduated cadet of the 104th Training Corps with charisma and beauty to spare. Sleeping with three very different men pushes you into the center of the most complicated web of secrets and lies that can only be unraveled by one thing: the truth. The same truth that you hide at every turn to shield your carefully crafted exterior and the future of your unborn child.

Story Warnings: Explicit content: detailed descriptions of unprotected sex, really just a lot of sex, so if smut makes you uncomfy, this isn’t the fic for you! Accidental pregnancy, vomiting, cursing, slut-shaming, mentions of blood, angst with a bittersweet ending, hinted abandonment issues, mentions of a terminal illness.

Chapter Warnings: No chapter warnings that I can think of!

Author’s Note: Thank you for all of the support on the first chapter of this story! It was heartwarming to see. (Also, Eren and the rest of the 104th are aged up in this fic!!)

Happy Reading!

- Dan

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. . .

Daily training within the Scout Corps was rigorous on its own, but the added challenge of maneuvering with sore limbs and a battered core was excruciating, the pain nagging you with every step, a bitter reminder of your lack of orgasm and the same inappropriate argument with your superior.

Everything about Captain Levi was infuriating- his indifference, the way he can simply ignore you outside of sex and orders. Sex and orders- was there even a difference between the two at this point? He couldn’t keep casting you off as an afterthought if he wanted this to continue, which he did. It was either you or a cold midnight jerk-off, and you knew he’d do anything to avoid the latter. Meanwhile, you had options and quite a few at that.

Since the end of March, the weather was quickly picking up to a warmer, sunnier disposition- which meant training was outside once again. Squads were put into training groups, conversing with each other and going through warm-up drills while you took the time to subtly look over your comrades, searching for a proper candidate to dangle yourself in front of.

You halfheartedly pulled your right arm across your body to appear busy to avoid a harsh scolding from a superior for being lazy. Out of all the scouts, the cadets from the 104th Training Corps were the best candidates, simply for their lack of prestige. Levi wouldn’t care if you picked any scout or any other officer, but you knew he’d notice if you liked someone that he considered below him.

Someone he had yet to respect.

Particularly…

Your eyes landed on Eren Jaeger- a friend of yours and, fortunately, the titan shifter who Levi was tasked with keeping an eye on for the time being. Eren was always easily flustered- to the point you had suspected he had a crush on you during your training days. Reigniting those feelings with a smile and a few strategic touches should be more than enough to coax him into bed; sooner than later.

“Hey, Eren!” you chirped, approaching the shifter without entertaining another thought. He was conversing with his two closest friends- Mikasa and Armin when he was supposed to be training with Levi’s squad. “Mikasa, Armin,” you addressed, mainly to avoid being rude.

“Y/n, hey. How are you?” Eren grinned, his shoulders straightening as you stood before him, completing the subconscious triangle that he had made in the midst of conversation. You could feel Mikasa’s stare bear into your side profile, glaring. Her arms crossed before you approached, but her hands curled into firm firsts, tightening the longer you stood there.

“Could you help me stretch?” You asked. “Yesterday’s training made me really stiff,” your words were half true since a lot of your body was sore and painful to maneuver, but it wasn’t from training. You were in pain from the toll that pleasuring Levi took as you vividly recalled his firm grip trapping your wrists down, and his body kept your leg up throughout the entire ordeal.

A little white lie never hurt anyone.

“I would, but...” although you expected Eren’s response to be instantaneous, you had been wrong. Instead, the shifter looked from you to Squad Levi- where he needed to report to, conflicted between having free access to touching you and to his duty as a soldier. His will wasn’t that strong, given that he was only a pent-up eighteen-year-old guy when it came down to it.

“Please,” you tilted your head, offering a meek smile to suggest that you were embarrassed to ask for help. “It’ll only be a few minutes.”

“I-” Eren, throat bobbed as he swallowed, blind to the concerned look that Armin was giving him. “Sure. What can I do?” He asked, his metaphorical armor falling to the ground. Confidence takes one a long way.

“Let’s go to the grass,” you suggested, gesturing to the large patch where other scouts were preparing for the day by also stretching, some in pairs.

“Alright- I’ll...see you guys at dinner,” Eren waved to Mikasa and Armin and quickly followed you as you led him to an empty spot. The spot was well in Levi’s view but far enough to give you plausible deniability.

“We’ll save you a spot!” Armin yelled, his voice nearly out of earshot to you. He was referring to Eren, anyways. You sat with your class because you were the most familiar with them, not because you were a part of their close (top ten) band.

“It’s mainly in my legs- I might’ve landed awkwardly at some point yesterday,” you mused, slowly laying down on the warm grass. The sun shined in your eyes, causing you to squint at Eren as he sank to his knees to avoid having too big of a gap between you. “Can you push my legs down?” you requested, bringing the soles of your brown boots together and a few inches away from your groin.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve done this for..um, Krista, before...so I think I know what to do,” Eren’s face grew red as he kneed in front of you, his thighs clamping your feet in place, which kept your legs bent and fanned out. His hands were much larger than Levi’s and warmer, too, as they pressed down on the sides of your kneecaps, unintentionally teasing your lower thighs. Eren was too naive to know how to tease, and in all honesty, he was more gentle than you deserved.

“That’s kind of you,” you commented, growing disinterested in the conversation and instead focusing on the delicious stretch that Eren was giving your hips and inner thigh muscles. He was staring down at his hands, focusing on the way your supple muscles moved and tensed each time he pushed down. You both knew that his hands were a little higher than they should’ve been for that particular stretch. “How about my quadriceps?” You gave Eren’s hands a soft tap, and he allowed you to move onto your stomach.

Eren’s breath hitched rather noticeably, and you imagined that his gaze was now trained on your ass, the definition of it clear from your tight uniform trousers. “You know what to do, right?” you asked, feigning complete ignorance as to what you were doing and how it affected him.

“Oh- yeah, I do,” Eren moved slowly, his left hand coming down on your lower back first, flirting with the curve of your ass. His right took hold of your right kneecap. He slowly pulled the muscle upwards while pushing down on your back.

“Don’t let me kick you,” you joked to release a little of the building tension since your raised knee was bent under his lunging body, leaving the toe of your boot little ways under his chin. You rested on your elbows to support your upper body, taking the time to look to the side, where Levi watched you from his group. Watching was in fact, an understatement because his meticulous eyes narrowed, focused on the positioning of Eren’s hands. That expression caused satisfaction to bloom in your chest, the thrill comparable to the good pain that this stretch provided you.

Eren chuckled and, after a few more seconds, switched which leg he was stretching. You were flexible, and as tempted as you were to tell him that, you refrained. A little went a long way, and too much could scare him off. “I’m sure I could take you if you did,” Eren replied, pushing your back down firmly, causing your back to crack. It hurt, but ultimately, the sensation was euphoric- the closest to orgasm you’ve been in days.

The short whine that slipped past your lips made no effort to hide that fact. Although the sound (and volume) were unintentional, it caused a few people to look in your direction, driving your face to color. You pretended not to take notice of Levi’s glare and instead looked ahead of you as Eren switched legs. As shameless as you could be, even you had your limits, drawing the line around voyeurism. In an attempt to regain control of the situation, you laughed at yourself, praying that each chuckle sounded more natural than forced as you let your head dip.

“You really have done this before, haven’t you?” You teased, turning the heat back onto Eren, who faltered at the dirty insinuation. The noise of protest was more than enough confirmation that he hadn’t done anything beyond innocent stretching, which would make this much more fun for you.

“That’s not-...come on, let’s get to our squads before Captain Levi gives me an earful,” Eren dismissed. You would have to be obtuse not to notice how his hands lagged in coming off your body- particularly the one that pushed down on your lower back.

You were more likely to get an earful from Levi than Eren was, anyway.

“Oh, alright,” you said with a soft laugh, groaning as you got to your feet. The pain in your legs had yet to subside completely, but the dutiful stretching did help soothe it some. “Save me a seat in the mess hall later, yeah?” You requested, arching your eyebrows as you gave your shoulders a slow roll.

“Uh- yeah, sure,” Eren stumbled over his words as you already began walking back towards your training squad, dispersing with the rest of the scouts that were using the large patch of grass to warm up for the hard day’s labor properly.

. . .

Eren did indeed save a seat for you on his left side, Armin usually sat, but instead, the blond took the seat across from Eren without a problem. Mikasa merely watched you as you pulled out the chair, her face completely sober while you put your metal tray down in front of you with a soft clink.

“Hey guys,” you smiled, freshly showered, your hair tied back lazily. Despite having expended a year’s worth of energy on training in the heat, the food on your tray (a cut of bread and a little bowl of potato soup) was the last thing on your mind. Instead, you were more focused on formulating a plan. A phase two, if you will.

“Oh- Y/n, hey,” Armin greeted you first, offering a wary smile as if he was trying to talk down a gunman. You weren’t sure if that was something to be offended by or not, seeing as Armin was a skittish soldier to begin with.

“How did training go?” you decided to take his hesitance as a compliment, a testament to the strength of the faux certitude you expressed. Boldly sitting next to Eren was the key to this interaction, and if it went according to plan, you’d have him that night. That was record time when you compared it to the weeks of batting your eyelashes and flirting about you wasted on seducing Levi. Your crush on him was only physical, and he was the subject of the wettest of your dreams- seemingly impossible. The chase was supposed to be worth the quality of the catch, and yet, last night was the final straw. “It wuzsh goof,” Eren answered for Armin, his mouth full with a bite of bread that he devoured. His cheeks bulged with it, but you suspected that he only intervened to remind you that he was there, as if you could forget. “Tirin-g,” he admitted, swallowing down the piece of it.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Mikasa admonished from her seat on Eren’s right. She never spoke to you directly unless she had to for the legion, and as much as you tried in the past, she made no effort to budge. “You’ll choke.”

“I won’t choke, Mikasa. I’m not a kid,” Eren argued defensively, his voice rising to subtly accuse her of not trusting his abilities. He sent her a fast glare that you wouldn’t have caught if you weren’t looking at him.

“They were pretty hard on us today,” you purposely changed the conversation back to the original topic to fill the silence that followed the awkwardly unbalanced dynamic of Eren and Mikasa. “Squad Leader Finn had my group do several rounds of interval training before we even touched our gear,” you complained, shuddering at the memory of the rocky soil pressing into your palms each time you pushed your legs back to plank. The skin was raw and pink, and it particularly stung when you exposed it to lukewarm shower water and bar soap.

“They’re just trying to keep us sharp. You know titans are always more active during the spring and summer,” Eren said, “Section Commander Hanji hasn’t let up with her experiments, though. She asked me for a lock of my hair this morning.”

“I think that’s pretty tame for Section Commander Hanji,” you joked, breaking off a flake of the crusty outer layer of the bread to prop in your mouth. It was primarily stale, but you appreciated the warmth that seeped on your tongue.

“She could’ve made an even cut,” Eren mumbled as he finished off his cut of bread, gesturing to his sideburn, where there was indeed a chunk of his brown hair missing.

You chuckled at the comment as some of the other cadets from your grade populated the long table- Connie Springer was making some shoddy impression of Commander Erwin. At the same time, Sasha Blouse nearly dropped her tray of food from laughter, utterly with Jean Kirsten rolling his eyes at their antics. Even Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover took to the isolated end of the table to speak to each other, albeit Reiner’s gaze traveling to Krista Lenz every handful of seconds. Your comrades were very predictable on a day-to-day basis, which was one of the many reasons why you weren’t close with most of them. People tended to bore you quickly, which left something to be desired, more often than not.

The conversation at this dining table rarely included you, as you preferred to sit passively and wait for the exact moment to make your next move, which was slightly less predictable than your interaction that morning.

You picked up your soup bowl, the metal circumference small enough for you to be able to wrap your hands around it and have your fingers touch. The soup itself was watered down and bland as you thoughtlessly swirled it around with the bottom of your spoon, frowning at it. Before your mother left, she made it with heavy cream and tiny slivers of smoked bacon. The only thing that had in common with the food sitting in front of you was the use of potatoes.

Rather than dwelling on that woman, you turned your sights back to Eren. Getting him to want you was a goal you concluded that morning and now, you only needed him to act on it. Which he wouldn’t without your provoking him.

Purposely, you fumbled with the bowl of watery ‘soup’ and watched it fall, the warm contents spilling down your shirt and landing on Eren’s lap from your proximity. Since the rest of the table was engaged in watching Connie attempt to impersonate Oluo Bozado, a member of Levi’s Squad. Until the sound of your metal bowl hitting the floor (as well as your surprised yelp) caught their attention.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying any attention,” you explained, instantaneously rounding your eyes to make your apology seem entirely genuine. Mikasa glared at you before sharing a look with Armin, who widened his eyes to alert her that you had caught on. You did not attempt to press.

Eren’s frustrated expression quickly melted as he looked from his lap to you. “It’s just soup, Y/n. It’s fine,” he grinned, evidently attempting to lift some of the guilt as you picked up a napkin to try to blot the soup on your shirt.

“I don’t think it’ll stain if we clean it off now,” you put the crumpled napkin on your tray, next to the empty bowl. “Let’s go to the washroom,” you suggested, motioning to the way the napkins had only absorbed the soup rather than removing the dark grey stain that was left.

“You’re probably right about that,” Eren gave his lap one final look before standing up with you, your dominant hand coming to wrap around his wrist to establish physical contact.

“We’ll be right back,” you chirped nonchalantly, quite literally, leading the titan shifter through the middle of the mess hall. A fast glance over your shoulder revealed Mikasa starting to get up to follow, but Armin gently patted her forearm to make her sit back down. Her instincts knew better than his, but she seemed to write hers off as her usual overprotective tendency for Eren. You doubted she wanted to be scolded for it again.

The unofficial ‘Superiors’ Table’ was the closest to the entrance of the mess hall, the table formation resembling a simple cafeteria in many rows of horizontal tables, which made it easy for Levi to watch you and Eren pass him. For a moment, you locked eyes with him and offered a chaste smile to deepen the blow. The way you held Eren’s wrist as he trailed you was a signature tell of a quickie- you’d done it to Levi countless times, and now he was recognizing it as a bystander.

A slight dip of your chin expressed that you were completely serious about using Eren to make him envious. If this didn’t teach him, then you were positive nothing would.

. . .

#levi ackerman #levi smut #snk levi #levi aot #erwin smut #erwin smith #erwin smith fanfic #aot x reader #snk x reader #aot smut #Eren Jaeger #eren x you #eren x reader smut #aot fanfiction #snk fanfiction #shingeki no #shingeki no kyoujin x reader

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epicofevil · 3 years

Text

Series Illustrator Interview

Epic of Evil page 71-76

Meeting With AkunoP

--First, please introduce yourselves.

Yoshida Dondorian (hereon: Yoshida): I’m Yoshida. I started working on the series in “Wiegenlied of Green”!

you-ring@Kitano Tomotoshi (hereon: you-ring): I’m you-ring@Kitano Tomotoshi, who got to draw the cover art for “Praeludium of Red” and “Praefacio of Blue”.

You: I’m You. I did the cover for this book, “Epic of Evil”. This is my second interview after the one in Entr’acte of Evil, but I’m a bit nervous this time too.

--You-san answered this question in “Entr’acte of Evil”’s illustrator interview, but you-ring-san and Yoshida-san, what was your first AkunoP work?

Yoshida: I first started listening to VOCALOID around 2009 or so…So I got in around the time all those derivative fan videos of “Daughter of Evil” were coming out.

you-ring: My first AkunoP songs were “Daughter of Evil” and “Servant of Evil” of course. I think it was around the time “Servant of Evil” got uploaded, and I saw all these comments to watch it after watching “Daughter of Evil”, so I did…I remember bawling over it.

--There was a ton of uproar over “Daughter of Evil” and “Servant of Evil” at the time, wasn’t there. What was your impression of AkunoP-san himself?

Yoshida: Didn’t I hear that he completely transformed himself…!?

--Transformed (haha). That’s true, he did do an image change to wearing sunglasses and a beard.

Yoshida: My image of him wasn’t like that at all, so I think I might have been introduced to him pre-transformation at “VOC@LOiD M@STER” (colloquially “VoMas”)!

you-ring: I think I also saw him the first time at VoMas…But I can’t remember when that was lol

Yoshida: Rather than being surprised by him, I remember thinking, “Ah, so this is the guy who made the Of Evil series…!” That sort of thing.

you-ring: For an “Evil” person he seemed very good-natured. …That might count as malicious rumor, hey?

--I wouldn’t think so (haha)

you-ring: Sounds like I’m not getting scolded lol. In that sense, unlike Yoshida-san I was very surprised by him.

Celebrating Series Completion! Most Bittersweet

--Please tell us how you felt when the final and fourth installment of the series came out. you-ring-san, you were the one who worked on the cover for the fourth novel, Yoshida-san you worked on some of its artwork, and You-san you participated in the pinup art.

Yoshida: With all of the plot threads that were being revealed, from the first novel to the last I felt like it was all so very interesting…And also that I really wanted to read more of the “Of Evil” world just a little longer!

You: I had a lot of fun being able to draw art for each installment, and I remember feeling really desolate that we were at the last one. Even now I have the “Daughter of Evil” books piled up on my desk; you-ring-san’s Kyle, coupled with the book’s contents, are very striking, I think.

you-ring: While I felt very uplifted at being able to continue to do the cover art after the third book, at the same time the pressure at it being the finale was immeasurable. Still, in the end, since it was Kyle I muddled through it.

You: Also, it really felt like a collaborative effort, with Yoshida-san’s pictures really connecting the third and fourth books.

Yoshida: Aw, thank you so much!

you-ring: I would find myself going back to look at Yoshida-san’s artwork! I can’t help but sigh in admiration every time I see everyone’s artwork. You-san and Yoshida-san both have such tremendous ability for creating atmosphere in their pictures.

Yoshida: I’m truly honored…!

You: You’re much too kind! So many other illustrators contributed to the Of Evil novels, so it’s really fun in the sense that we get to see various worlds within that. Like, “Ah, that’s another way to go about it too”.

Yoshida: Yeah, I was always looking forward to it, and also every time I would get really nervous about if I’m redundant or not.

you-ring: Concepts and worldviews that I couldn’t put forward…I got a ton of motivation. I also had the same anxiety about being redundant lol, I was doing this work while constantly wondering if it was good enough.

Yoshida: And You-san and you-ring-san made such lovely art and covers from the very first installment, including “Entr’acte of Evil”. They really caught my eye when I saw them at the publisher’s!

--The illustrations for this book turned out pretty gorgeous too.

You: Wow!

Yoshida: Oh! I’m really excited to see it!

You: My heart’s all fluttery now…

you-ring: I’m gonna head over to the publisher’s in a bit! (I haven’t left yet)

You: Though everyone who’s reading this will have seen them already. Sounds great.

--On that topic, Elluka’s finally debuted on this cover.

Yoshida: I love her so much that I picked Elluka-san as my image for the illustrator comments in book four, so that makes me happy! I’m looking forward to that too! You-san’s Elluka is so pretty…

You: I was really happy to be able to draw Elluka-sama prominently, given her unique position. Her general image is really evocative of purple, which is a color you don’t see too much on book covers I think.

you-ring: I got really excited to see it as soon as I heard about it! I wanna see it already!

--On that note, all of the members here are people who’ve drawn a decent amount of characters. Please tell us of any you had fun drawing, or any you particularly like.

Yoshida: The sorceresses, of course! Naturally I love the other more human characters too, but with them having that unique position that got mentioned earlier, I’m just super drawn to these somewhat detached women… Although the frontispiece for this book is my first time drawing them.

You: In my afterwards comments I declared my favorites to be Allen-kun, Elluka, and Gumillia, but the person I get fired up about drawing is Yukina-chan from the third book. Since she’s a character that didn’t get featured in the songs originally, it was very refreshing to be able to draw her. After that, obviously Riliane and Allen.

you-ring: Yukina in the frontispiece for the third book was so beautiful, she was just too precious lol

Yoshida: Same for how you drew her!

you-ring: Out of all the things I’ve gotten to draw, I’ve drawn Yukina the most, and so I’ve become the most attached to her. In this story with so many different characters interwoven through it, I think she’s a girl with a really interesting and toothsome place in it. Also Prim too, actually—she’s comparatively more difficult in terms of time and labor to draw, but she was also pretty fun…

You: you-ring’s Prim is too beautiful, my eyes end up getting drawn to her chest…(haha)

Yoshida: Prim’s chest…and the wrinkling in her clothing under her chest.

you-ring: Wha—we’re talking about her chest now!? Shame on you lol. Yoshida-san, you really surprised me with how differently you were able to depict Yukina, despite her being the same character.

You: That illustration was so amazing, it really felt like it had that feeling of the pen telling the story. I also liked how the character silhouettes were put in with their motif colors.

you-ring: Yeah, the tracing line of the pen was great! I was just stunned at the concept put into such a picture.

Yoshida: Oh wow, thanks you guys! That kind of motif is one that’s very much inlaid into the story, and I just wanted to depict it myself…! The “Of Evil” world is full of setups and amazing motifs like that…So I just get…really excited…!

Yoshida: In that sense I also really look forward to the book binding, too! Like, “What kind of figure will be on the flap?” or “what’ll be the design on the pages this time?”…

You: I got you. The rose-->grape-->feather-->seashell designs were really cool.

--Thank you very much! I’d like you to observe the image of the cover under the dust jacket.

You: Ney-chan…

Yoshida: Praeludium and Praefacio…This is really…amazing! Anyone who hasn’t seen it should go look!

--There’s also a secret trick with Wiegenlied as well!

You: Everyone go look at the under-cover…!

Yoshida: Woah, I don’t think I ever noticed…! What is this…! *Rustle rustle* Aaah! Wow!!

you-ring: I guess everyone went to take off their dust jackets all at once, lol

Yoshida: Woooah! *rustlerustlerustle* …What a fantastic production…

You: Feels like everyone at the publisher’s made this really neatly~

Yoshida: I always get a kick out of seeing the maps and commentary! At the very beginning—if you’ll pardon my saying so—I was really dubious as to how it would turn out, since there weren’t any novelizations of VOCALOID songs at the time. But it was made with such love, and the story is naturally very interesting, I feel very strongly that this work makes for amazing books!

--When you put it like that, all the hard work was worth it!

Any Surprises? Results of the Character Popularity Poll.

--This time around we conducted a character popularity poll!

You: Kyle did very well!

you-ring: Allen had a real strong running!!

Yoshida: Woah…! I wasn’t expecting Clarith’s position…!

--There were a lot of comments from people empathizing with Clarith, it seems.

You: I see…(tears)

Yoshida: I also felt the most moved by Clarith. Congratulations, Clarith…!

--Michaela’s ranking was really surprising. And then there’s Ayn…

Yoshida: Ah, now that you mention it! That’s quite a feat. Surely you’ll put in something commemorative on the cover edges…?

You: Ah! I’ve already completed the cover, so…Everyone, please look at it with your mental eye instead…!

Yoshida: Wha…

you-ring: If I strain my eyes, I see there…

--Ayn has no character design, so you’ll all have to make sure to draw him when you get the chance (haha)

Yoshida: Well then, maybe we could slip him into an illustration… Though he doesn’t have a design…

You: That’s a good idea! Maybe I’ll upload an image to my blog then…lol

Yoshida: Ooh! I’d love to see your Ayn, You-san…! I’ll covertly look forward to it…

you-ring: You mean a festival for the Ayn I came up with!?

You: You’re gonna draw him too, aren’t you you-ring-san?

you-ring: Uh.

Yoshida: Yeah! Ayn’s gotta have this magnificent backstory, right? I feel like Akuno-san would make something like that…

--Various countries were featured throughout the story; are there any that you all would like to go to?

you-ring: It’s not a country, but I’d like to just go see the Millennium Tree at least once, soon. So in that sense, Elphegort?

Yoshida: Oh, me too! I want to go to the Millennium Tree Forest. Also, of course, the place where the story started: Lucifenia.

You: I also think I’d like to see the Millennium Tree. It’d feel like a world heritage spot, don’t you think? Also, I’d want to go to a banquet on the Freezis Estate (though I can’t).

--Held-sama is quite popular then! The Millennium Tree is meant to be a former pilgrimage site, though lately it sounds like not many people go there anymore.

you-ring: It’s an undiscovered gem! I’d just like to go there and take my time idling around, seeing everyting…

Yoshida: I’d love that! Frankly, all the countries sound dangerous…Even the Millennium Tree isn’t safe, but it has a peaceful image I think, so if I went to any of them physically…The Millennium Tree is good.

you-ring: Sorry that you asked us a question about countries and we all answered with a forest lol

And Now, To the “Seven Deadly Sins”

--Now that the “Daughter of Evil” series is complete, let’s hear some nice words for AkunoP-san, if you please.

Yoshida: Congratulations on finishing it. You did such good work! Although, as a reader, there’s still a lot more I want to see. I’m…really really excited to see the “Deadly Sins of Evil” series (chuckle)

You: I’m saying this a lot here, but I want to say thank you for all your hard work, it’s greatly appreciated. I’m very happy at just being able to depict your characters, Akuno-san. I’m also excited for the “Deadly Sins of Evil”. I’ll be in anticipation while listening to the songs on repeat.

you-ring: Always stay evil, yeah? I’m also looking forward to the Deadly Sins Series! And a sincere congratulations on finishing the Daughter of Evil series.

--Please tell us more how you’re all curious about and looking forward to the new “Deadly Sins” series.

you-ring: As a reader I’m very curious as to how the story will be told and how it’ll be released, like if each sin will be published one by one.

Yoshida: The Seven Deadly Sins have a strong impact in various different directions, so I’m really excited to see how it all ties together!

You: I’m looking forward to seeing how the various secrets woven into the work get brought to light. I feel like reading the “Deadly Sins” series will end up making me want to reread the “Daughter of Evil” series again.

--Thank you very much! Now then, please say one last thing here.

Yoshida: I am truly grateful for being able to assist in the “Daughter of Evil” series. It’s a wonderful thing to be involved in this enormous world. The songs, the books, I hope to see even more from here on out!

you-ring: I think this series has let me take part in a truly valuable experience, and it’s been a great honor to take part in it. Thank you very much for inviting me on here!

You: From the very first book to this “Epic of Evil”, thank you so much for having me draw for this series for such a long time. I’ve nothing but gratitude.

--Thank you all for your time.