#not everything feels scary and new with him now which is why my view of him is slowly changing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vagabond-umlaut · 1 year

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⁙ tv taught me how to feel; now real life has no appeal

jjk boys and men as k-drama boyfriend archetypes, ft. yuuji, suguru, megumi, kento, satoru and sukuna.

▸ seperate character x gn! reader headcanons and/or scenarios; 4.3k wc; use of gn! nicknames; fluff [the tooth-rotting, butterfly-inducing kind]; implied smut in case of suguru & sukuna; implied war in case of satoru.

▸ my shoulders are hurting from typing for so long, ow, ow, ow!!!! got the inspiration for this from so many posts floating on my dash and 'for you' page; though i'm pretty sure this kind of post has never been done before. ▸ also, the author [blehhh, that's me!] knows very little to almost nothing on the k-dramas quoted in the link used for reference [this], apart from what info's on the wiki page. so this piece of writing might bear similarities to the original k-drama plot; it might bear differences to it. please don't be mad or upset with me! 🥰 ▸ anyways, the title's from the song 'oh no!' by marina. neither the characters nor the image nor the divider used are mine. [the divider is by @benkeibear.] please don't plagiarize or translate or repost this. enjoy reading! ❤️

itadori yuuji as 'the above-average country guy'

[c'mon, are you really surprised?]

the day you leave the city life for the tiny town your grandpa lives in, because your mom loses her job, you think that's exactly when everything good in your life reaches its end.

the school is far and you've got to walk to it; the students are weird and kind of old-fashioned; the town is sooo boring... ugh.

or was, before you meet the grandson of one of your grandpa's old friends. itadori yuuji - or yuuji-kun, as the boy insists you call him.

studying in the same year as you, your new friend acquaintance is nothing less than an angel, a pure beam of sunshine.

from greeting everyone - even you, the titled snob of the school - with a grin so wide, it dimples his cheeks;

to assisting those needing help - be it getting your cat off the tree or sharing the pretty heavy load of notebooks you are originally tasked to carry back to the class [while ignoring your protests the entire duration];

to accompanying you to the school and back home after one off-handed remark of yours of you missing travelling with your friends...

you're more than a little surprised, why's the supposed golden boy of the town being kind and friendly with a grump like you?

however... what's more surprising than his cordial manner with you is... as you spend more time in his company, you find the way you perceive the world changing, bit by bit.

the walk to school is no longer strenuous and dreaded, thanks to yuuji's constant chatter and not-so-funny-as-silly jokes.

your classmates too seem to be more open and welcoming of you, and you find yourself smiling more and more with them and slowly getting involved in many of their shenanigans. [gosh! who the hell ever said village people are boring? they're so freaking fun!]

and guess what? even the town slowly grows brighter in your eyes.

thanks to your best friend [yes, now you accept him as so] showing you so many 'awesome' places in the town!!

the ice cream shop which supposedly sells the best ice cream in the world [the claim isn't really wrong, you guess];

the scariest haunted mansion on the far end of the town [it isn't scary; but you don't tell him that. you act scared just so yuuji'll hold your hand throughout the tour];

the tallest tree in the woods nearby, perched on a branch of which, you can get a clear view of your idyllic little town below and of the tiny twinkling stars above [you fall in love with the spot the second you experience the sheer beauty of the sights from it].

[you reckon, your feelings for your companion too solidify into 'something more' the second you tear your eyes away from the visual feast before, to the boy beside, only to find his gaze not on the scenery but on you, a soft smile in place of his usual boisterous grin — yet you don't say anything.]

[not 'cause you feel insecure or worried, he might not return your affection; but 'cause you realize yuuji does. the look on his face tells you enough... that, and the way he silently asks for permission, shy gaze darting between your eyes and lips – a permission you're all too eager to grant with a nod and a meek smile of your own.]

geto suguru as 'the k-pop star'

attractiveness = 100. singing skills = 100. attitude = 0.

[or, maybe, 10. the group's visual - wtf is his name? oh, yes, sukuna. that guy's getting get a solid zero in this.] [anyways–]

the first time you meet geto is when you're accompanying your elder brother, satoru to the auditions.

you're simply standing there, trying to cheer your brother up before his number is called [he might appear to be unafraid but you know your nii-chan better than that], when a smooth voice interrupts you followed by a sharp angular face appearing with even sharper eyes, glancing at you for a beat before falling on satoru.

that's the first time you meet him and that's the last time you view him in a light which isn't tinted with hatred.

you reckon it begins the evening of the party celebrating satoru's selection into the band. [it isn't a big matter; kind of small, in fact, given it's just you, your brother, your best friend shoko and satoru's new teammates - bubbly haibara, serious nanami, irritating sukuna and fucking bastard geto.]

to be more precise, it begins the moment satoru dozes off after his fifth glass of beer [you wonder, how, being your brother, he is such a lightweight] and sukuna, sensing the sliver of opportunity, starts flirting with you — a situation, annoying, yes, but one you're more than capable of handling — if only not for that long-haired bastard 'new best friend' of your brother.

the said asshole strolls in with a condenscending smirk, saying how one must never go for someone like you, so plain and boring.

now, generally, you don't let other's opinions of you get to yourself, but when it's from a guy you might've got a mild crush on... it's so infuriating, you can really feel your blood boiling within your veins.

and to your greatest chagrin, you find your blood boiling so many more times in the future, you think it's a miracle you haven't turned into a pressure cooker yet.

from an informal get-together to a launch party to an award show, geto never fails to get under your skin. sometimes, it's a concealed smirk; sometimes, a fleeting touch; sometimes, a lilting whisper - and you're left, fuming and flustered.

yet, just like everything good and bad, this hatred of yours towards the leader of your brother's band too reaches an end — yet not the way you might have expected it to be – with an apology [certainly not by you, but to you] and a clinking of two wine glasses.

it reaches an end with the two of you in a dimly-lit corridor, away from the crowd of the party, your hands grabbing on geto's coat lapels for dear life while his hands roam over your back, leaving a scorching feeling in their wake.

a thought rushes to the forefront of your mind and you break the kiss, panting. geto's brows furrow a tad from behind his mussed up hair; silencing the voice calling him cute, you ask, "so what's next? hate sex?"

a bright blush floods into his cheeks, you observe, as he opens his mouth to answer, then falters. "hate sex?" he gapes at you, "why on earth would it be hate sex?"

"'cause you and i hate each other...?" the answer leaves you, less as a statement and more as a question; you watch geto take a second to let it sink in before a chuckle erupts from him. "oh, sweetheart," he croons, placing a warm palm on your cheek, "i don't hate you. i never have. what made you-"

"you once told sukuna i'm plain and boring, and that no one should date me," you cut him off, feeling irritated again. [what the hell? is he gaslighting you??]

a short beat passes, wherein you glare up at him while he simply peers down at you, before a contrite smile flits onto his lips. voice dropping to a mere whisper, he says, "i'm sorry i made you feel that way, but i swear, that wasn't my intention. i was simply lying to get sukuna off your back. i was scared he might get you to fall in love with him, before i ever got a chance. i'm so very sorry."

this time, a long beat passes and ultimately, a loud whoosh of air leaves you.

you don't know whether it's the glimmer of sincerity in his feline eyes or your feelings for him which you've filed away for so long, which prompts you; whatever it is, you find yourself saying, "hmph, okay. that's stupid in a twisted way, but still, okay. however..."

you narrow your eyes at him.

geto blinks back at you, attentive and patient.

you let the anger melt away a bit from your expression. "don't expect me to forgive you after a couple of sorry's. i need a lot more than them to forgive you entirely."

"and a lot more, i promise to give you, oh divine being from above," geto responds with a cheeky smile and a kiss to your knuckles, "starting with some real nice loving tonight."

you beam back at him - not upset but kind of happy, for the very first time in your life, with the flutters in your chest elicited by that your smooth bastard.

fushiguro megumi as 'the supportive co-worker'

[you might've seen a grumpy x sunshine couple; but have you ever seen a grumpy-and-sunshine person? no?? well, continue reading!]

first impression: rude.

the only response the boy gives you, when you greet your cute new co-worker at the coffee shop you just joined, is a nod. no name, no 'welcome', not even a single 'hi'. just. a. small. nod. [huh?]

second impression: quiet.

you strike out your 1st impression of fushiguro megumi [thank god, name tags exist; anyways-] with your 2nd impression of him.

a week or two after you join, yuuta and maki call you into the break room after your shift ends and ask if you can decorate the room, since it's toge's birthday today. they explain they want to help you, but with the sudden rush of the customers, it's nearly impossible to leave the counter.

being the polite person you're, you obviously say yes, without even considering for a beat, just how much you might have to decorate.

and this is where you form your second impression of megumi.

ten minutes might have passed since you started working, before the boy strolls into the room, the ever-present frown on his face, gives the room one long look and joins in decorating, wordlessly.

you're astonished, to say the least; yet you don't breathe a word in return.

some help is better than no help, and if we're being honest here, you're more than a bit pissed at the boy.

thus, this is the way the two of you continue working, silently, and before long, you find your work done, the room prettily decorated.

a smile on your face, you twist – to find megumi hurrying out the room, soon followed by your other two co-workers entering it, confusion etched on their faces.

"megumi didn't leave for his baseball practice yet?" yuuta inquires, gaze darting from the door to you. your brows furrow. "baseball?"

"yeah," maki hums, "the kid's got some important match tomorrow morning, because of which we did not even consider asking him for help. plus, with how reluctant he always is in these matters..."

"the boy always makes an excuse to worm his way out of these parties and stuff," finsihing for her with a chuckle, yuuta throws you a curious look. "did you ask him for help?"

"nope!" comes the instant reply from you. the two colleagues share a knowing smile between them, you observe - however, before you get a second to process it, both of them sling an arm around your shoulders and thanking you for your efforts, drag you to the front of the now-empty coffee shop, where you see nobara and yuuji enter, carrying a large rectangular box.

a call of your name breaks your focus on the bickering duo and you turn to find yuuta smiling down at you. "megumi is actually a sweet boy, deep inside. give him a chance, please."

"more like a sweet coward," maki pipes in from the other side with a grin, "but, yeah, giving him a chance won't hurt you."

at that point of time, you wonder why the fuck your two seniors are blabbering this nonsense to you — yet now...

after weeks during which you silently watch the boy open up to you, first with a smile to you greeting him [you initially don't want to talk to him, but something the other two said leaves a mark and you find yourself treating him the same way you treat others]...

... which slowly grows into a smile and a question on your day, which grows into a smile, a question and lessons for the bumbling newbie you, on the ins-and-outs of working in a café, often paired with a pretty long, refreshing conversation...

... which slowly but steadily furthers beyond the confines of the coffee shop and your shared working hours...

..into now, the present moment, where you find megumi dressed to a tee, a shy smile on his lips and a lovely bouquet of roses in his hands, waiting to take you out on your first date—

yeah, now you realize why they were 'blabbering' to you that day, something you'll always be thankful to yuuta and maki for.

nanami kento as 'the hardworking entrepreneur'

your ken-chan has always been the best in your eyes.

the best in studies, the best in sports, the best neighbour, the best friend to you – one you're desperate to stay in touch with when you shift abroad for your higher studies.

time, however, is unforgiving and despite your wish, the weekly-thrice phone calls and emails dwindle down to weekly-once, then monthly-once, then to customary e-mails on special occasions like birthdays.

so, imagine your surprise [and joy, obviously] when one morning - a good eight years since you left for the states and a good month since you returned home - you open your laptop to find an e-mail from a nanami kento waiting in your inbox, the subject being 'let's meet up? :)'.

meet him, you do – except for the fact your ken-chan is no longer your ken-chan, yet is so much your ken-chan. [confusing, isn't it? you too feel really confused on meeting him after ages.]

the cute boy you knew has grown into a fine man - more than fine, if you're speaking the truth, given the way his facial features are sharper, shoulders broader, voice deeper – but with the same old personality as in high school.

frowning, solemn, no-nonsense – just, this time, your friend isn't discussing the science project but an idea to start a new company.

with him. the two of you. right from scratch.

you reckon you've never said 'yes' faster in your life!

and how can you not actually?

your ken-chan's genius has always awed you... and now that you're getting an opportunity to view it in all its glory, again, after so many years - how on earth can you not agree in an instant?

within a pretty short time [wow, efficient!], your company is set up and good to go; and you begin to witness a... not-really-new but... let's say, a better side of your friend.

kento has always been extremely sincere and hard-working since your school days together; yet now, as you watch him do overtime, day after day after day – inspite of his claimed vehement hatred for it – you realize the intensity of his dedication towards his work.

then, add to that, his communication skills.

utterly flawless.

you've worked with many amazing companies before and you're being unbiased here [no joke] but this man's got some insane skills in communication.

be it securing a deal with the clients or addressing a problem with the employees, there's nothing kento can't handle in perfect poise.

however, what steals the show for you, is neither of these but your ken-chan's golden heart.

the company goes through more than its fair share of troubles – yet, you don't see him, not even once, compromise with any ideals or ethics of his. be it with the clients, or with the employees, or with you - his company's co-founder whom he agrees to give a respectable exit, with a decent pay, when the company is passing a particularly rough patch – he never deviates an inch from his moral code.

needless to say, you deny his request firmly in an instant.

a decision you know you'll always be proud of – not for the fact the company is now one of the largest in the country and making huge profits regularly; it was a given the company will be successful with kento at it's head [the man says you deserve the equal amount of credit as him, but being who you are, you're wont to shush him; anyways-]

– but because you will never have forgiven yourself for abandoning an angel-like person like him in his time of need; something you deem kento never deserves after years of being a wonderful friend to you.

though... now, as you watch him approach you with a tiny smile and two bags of take-out for a late dinner [meetings, ugh]... you can't help but hope he'll become a friend plus someone else to you in the future...

'cause, after all, your ken-chan has always been the best in your eyes.

the best in studies, the best in sports, the best neighbour, the best friend, the best colleague - and the best person ever, you know you can entrust your heart to.

gojo satoru as 'the brave soldier'

[*sigh* where should i even begin...]

the first meeting the two of you have is less than ideal.

it's less of a meeting and more of a crash, to be honest — and i ain't even being metaphorical here.

you're on your morning jog for the day, smiling and listening to the song you're currently obsessed with, when out of thin air, a bicycle appears and comes careening down the slope you're at the base of, right into you — not giving you the time to react, or at the very least, process what the fuck just happened.

the deities above must have been pleased with you that day, you guess, 'cause you're discharged from the hospital with merely a wrist sprain and a few scratches on your arms and legs.

though... you reckon they must have been harbouring a grudge on you too... for if they aren't, why is the cause behind your injury such an annoying, obstinate, dumb manchild, hm?

a sigh leaves you, the umpteenth time in the last hour, as you limp back to your home. the whining from the broken bicycle beside you doesn't stop one bit.

"c'mon, sweetheart-" "don't call me that-" "fine, c'mon, babe-" "ew, don't call me that either-" "ooh, playing hard to get, are-" "fuck off!"

reaching an abrupt stop, you whirl on your feet, face contorted in a furious scowl. the stranger takes a step back from you, shrinking; you know you must school your features a bit, this is a public place for heaven's sake—

utterly uncaring, you begin, "listen, mister. i've been telling you for a good half an hour, from the hospital till now, that i don't wanna go on an apology date with you. it was an accident for fuck's sake," your voice grows louder with wilder hand gestures.

the man keeps staring at you in response, rooted to the spot. you don't even stop to breathe, "just say sorry for it and get on with your goddamn life. why the hell you ain't leaving me alone, man? don't you understand the meaning of 'no'? single word – n, o?"

a long beat passes in silence after your tirade, post which the man recedes, shrugging, with a mumbled apology and nothing more, leaving you confused and a little contrite(??).

whatever!

with time and tide and the woes and worries of your daily life, that odd little encounter slips to the back of your mind before it resurfaces, two years later, while you're posted in a foreign country.

"sweetheart!" the endearment rings through the military camp. the cameraman beside you stifles a shocked gasp; sharing a confused look with him, you send your interviewee a small smile before turning your gaze in search of the source of the noise.

the same white-haired goggles-wearing man from long before rushes tumbling down the dirt track, you watch, appalled, bringing unpleasant flashbacks to your mind, then stops, a good distance from you.

brows a tad pinched, you see him brush his bangs away from his forehead and open his mouth to speak; but another person beats him to it. you twist back to face your interviewee.

geto gives you a harmless grin. "aha! so you're the mystery person gojo here fell in love with, huh?" a series of indignant sputters and coughs sound from behind you, accompanied by giggles from next to you. you seriously consider elbowing yuuji.

the black-haired man, meanwhile, continues with a request, "hey, can you please rethink your decision of not wanting go on a date with him? please- it's just one date," he adds in a hurry when you open your mouth with a glare, his grin falling to a helpless look. you close your mouth, willing your glare to go away and return a neutral expression.

"satoru's my best friend and brother-in-arms but at times, at night especially, when he starts lamenting over how he scared you off... y'know, at those times, i just wanna kill him, frankly speaking," the man pleads guilty.

a sigh escapes you as you cast a glance at gojo, noting the poorly hidden apprehension in his eyes. yet another sigh escapes you-

"of course," yuuji's energetic voice pipes in.

you stamp his foot pretty hard; that idiot, undeterred, proceeds to rattle, "this person here too wouldn't shut up after that incident. on how one should be more polite, more considerate, more tolerant, more forgiving. even going as far as to say that one date would've been fine; it was just a date that, that poor man asked for— isn't it so?"

"really?" gojo's voice wafts over to your ears; you squeeze your eyes shut and open them, cheeks feeling awfully warm.

"yes," you grit out, pinning your alleged admirer down with a glare, which softens when you catch the spark of happiness in his eyes. you decide to relent.

"if the two of us survive this, let's go to that patisserie you were speaking of that day. how does this sound to you?"

said man rewards you a dazzling beam with a thumbs-up. "sounds like the perfect way to waltz into my heart, sweetness."

ryomen sukuna as 'the cold chaebol'

[c'mon, are you really surprised?]

utterly cold, utterly ruthless, utterly a monster – is what one might- nope! one 'will' call sukuna.

and they aren't really wrong, you muse as you watch the man in question talk business with two executives from another company, the latter looking one step away from fainting.

you muffle your expression beneath the guise of a cough, earning you two startled looks and a frown. a polite smile flits onto your lips as a soft apology leaves them, and you return to your silence–

which lasts till the second you step out of the room, accompanying the pair of men and one of them turns to you, sheer terror in his eyes.

"take this," he mumbles, pressing something into your palm; you look down to find it's a business card. forehead creasing into lines, you look back up at him.

the other man sighs. "listen, kid, that man sukuna ain't good news. before anything wrong happens, just quit this job and come to our company. we'll pay you well... okay, maybe not as well as they pay you here, but at the very least, an axe won't be hanging over your neck every minute of your working hours there."

you blink, then press the button to the elevator.

gratitude floods your expression. "thank you. i'll keep your words in mind," you say, bidding them goodbye.

the men give you a smile, then with one last petrified look at the closed doors of the ceo's room, file into the elevator and shut it in an instant, too scared to spend even a millisecond more here than what's required of them.

your secretarial smile burns away into a majestic scowl.

"again?"

you click your tongue, closing the doors you opened behind you and go and plop on the sofa. a sigh sounds from next to you, soon followed by the weight of a heavy head on your shoulder. "what do we do?"

"you're the boss here. you tell me."

sukuna makes a noise of disapproval in his throat before nestling a little closer to you. you open your arms a bit, oddly reminded of an overgrown kitten, then bite back your words. the teasing can be for later.

an annoyed grunt reaches you in response. "as the boss, i'm asking you. c'mon, tell me. what do we do?"

the answer arrives from your end within a fraction of an instant.

"we cut our ties with them, obviously," you say. "anyone who can be so insolent as to think they can steal me away from you can do just almost anything. too bold for my liking," you tsk.

"oh, you don't like someone bold, kitten?" a crimson eye opens at you, mischief shining in its depths. your nose wrinkles in distaste.

you shove him away. "firstly- ew, never call me kitten; secondly- careful, mr. ceo or people might think we're fucking."

a deep chuckle with an 'okay' are the only response sukuna gives you as he drags you close to himself and you let him; letting your thoughts too to drown you in them.

yeah, sukuna is the utterly cold, utterly ruthless, utterly monstrous person everyone makes him to be.

yet, what they overlook is that the man's got a leash, one held by the demure personal assistant always at his side–

the assistant being none other than 'you'.

the fearsome businessman's other half in every sense of the term except the fact the two of you have never shared a bed.

[though... you think... if you decide to listen to uraume's advice to get your shit together and make a move on their master – one whose gaze, you note, has been fixed on your lips for a duration too long now to be decent – you reckon the unfulfilled criterion will be fulfilled way before tomorrow.]

▸ masterlist

▸ taglist: @afortoru, @guccirosegold, @heresan, @luckimoon, @megu-meow, @nanamikentoseyebags, @pupkashi, @ritsatoru, @softsatoru, @sweetdreamssatoru, @nkogneatho, @sugies, @poe-daydreams, @sukustar. :))

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mishy-mashy · 4 months

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Anyway I wrote about this in my fanfic notes but I think this is credible

En. He's a One For All user, young, and dies from being cut in half by All For One. He cries, but manages to pass on One For All to Nana with a smile, and hides Nana with his Quirk so she can escape.

So En. Sixth. This cutie patootie guy right here

He's been viewed as cool and collected and I'm gonna call a bit of bullshit on that.

First: he is young. He doesn't have the fullest emotional maturity (brain caps out in the mid-20s), and even if he did, he can still freak out. But that's not what I wanna talk about with him

It's more the time period in which he was born and grew up.

Kudo and Bruce, at the least, die 18 years before En receives One For All. En was born during All For One's rule, and grew up in a society struggling to cope with the new Abilities on top of Japan's crumble.

En was born at an anxious time, and grew up in the flames of it as society tried collecting itself. Since he was born while people were just barely adjusting to Abilities, and were flighty and shellshocked from the events, En was the same: used to Abilities, but quick to jump and flee. He was raised in a world like that, and thus was like the others of his time.

Look at En at his death. His Smokescreen is active. He died with his back turned. He was running away and using his Smokescreen as cover.

He later asks, fearful and stressed, why Midoriya/Ninth doesn't just run away. And Tomura calls him out on this. We'll go back to this later.

En is a product of the time he grew up—a time of trying to pick themselves up in the midst of civil war, shifting humanity, where no one trusted anyone and everyone ran to save themselves.

His Quirk is literally Smokescreen. There's no application to it beyond making smoke from the user's body to hide in. It obscures others' visions.

His Quirk hides him from others. That's its main function. He isn't as brave as the others. He's a coward when pushed into a corner. Nana describes his last smile in ch. 92 as this:

But All Might, who does this smile, describes it in ch. 1 as—

—tricking the fear inside of him. En is a combination of both; he smiled to reassure Nana, but was no doubt terrified, as he died running and got cut in half.

I imagine the reason En was the first One For All user shown passing off the Quirk with his hair was because he was too afraid to reach down and feel himself cut in half. He could've gotten the blood from there, but the cognitive dissonance alone of feeling air where your lower-half should be is terrifying as is.

By hiding her in his Smokescreen and giving his hair, En let Nana run away too, to safeguard herself and the Quirk. En ran, he made Nana run, and later on, he wants Midoriya/Ninth to run, even knowing there's no next user or chance to beat All For One/Tomura.

En knows All For One is powerful. He's scary. He killed Banjo-senpai, and Shinomori-san hid from him until he died of "old age". Everything is mustered in Midoriya/Ninth, but even then, En wants to run away because they realize they can be stolen and really die.

Now, going back a bit to [His Quirk is literally Smokescreen], they would've started calling Meta Abilities Quirks around the time En is growing up. All Might is alive somewhere when Nana receives One For All, and Meta Ability is the first term for Quirks.

Since Quirks are reflective of personality, and En was born in the coming down of the peak of fear that's trying to create some semblance of normalcy, it makes sense that, with his Smokescreen, he encourages Midoriya/Ninth to run. Because he did the same thing.

That's how he grew up, that's what he knows, it's the first thing he thought of when he realized they really were in danger. They were facing death in the eye.

Tomura/AFO even calls him out for this. Look at En's face when he's called out; he's scared of him. En is scared of just catching his attention.

The OFA vestiges know they can see into each others' realms. They wouldn't be surprised by this. They look into AFO's, they know AFO can do the same vice-versa.

Tomura is basically saying he's about to catch all the vestiges (rats) by their tails to make sure no one gets away this time.

Even if En was a vigilante or Pro Hero when he was alive (he's Banjo's kouhai, and Banjo was one of those), he has a faint heart when he feels cornered and running is an option, no matter how bad.

En acts calm and rational, and entered into the Vigilante/Pro Hero scene, but he is terrified when it comes down to it.

Like Kudo and Bruce with the Resistance, Shinomori with society's state then, and Banjo stepping up when Japan was "a lawless land", En is a product of the era he grew up; trying to find stability in a lawless land, where it was everyone for themselves.

#i try making a difference between using the terms Ability and Quirk #older generations like Kudo Bruce and Yoichi would refer to them as Abilities #but also Quirks are both the modern term and a personality thing #i hc En as 19 years old #chapter 411 made me think about his wanting to run away. i wondered before why his quirk is Smokescreen when all that does is hide people #en was the first vestige i really liked #i liked banjo when he first showed #right now im focused on the first Three tho #anyway i like all the vestiges #bnha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #spoilers #en #ofa #afo #one for all #all for one #smokescreen #nana shimura #all might #yagi toshinori #izuku midoriya #anyway en is quick to run and will act on his fear #whats nice about ens quirk is that it doesnt hide just him. then the quirk would be something else like avoiding detection;#he can hide others with him #in the end En still decided to be a vigilante/Pro Hero so he does have a conscience/willingness to help and save others #he only gave up the ghost once Nana got his hair in her hand. once he knew OFA could keep living to win this fight one day #im not bashing en; i really like him and his character. him being afraid of death is something i like too; fear of death is realistic! nice #good job en sweetie youre doing great

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ohmygraves · 2 months

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let me share a bit of my self insert details for cod, since i figured out i can write smth while i think about how to continue the other wips i have

with callsign "rookie", a first generation immigrant. they're the youngest between all the 141, and was recommended by laswell. still, their rank is definitely under both soap and gaz. a non-binary person, though don't mind any pronouns.

here's a few sketches of them (i made it to my likeness because, y'know, "self" insert)

the change in haircut is intentional as it should reflect my continuously changing hairstyle since my hair is a dumbass who can't make up its mind in how it should present itself.

i made a "relationship chart" to explain the dynamics of rookie with the other members of 141

gaz ⇄ rookie

gaz and rookie i'd imagine to be some kind of the ride or die best friend, which unfortunately often happened because rookie has the worst kind of luck, but just good enough that they get out of danger somehow in the last second. the kind of best friend that you could understand being so close because you'd known eachother really well. it's probably the case of them being quite similar in age (rookie is still younger though), so he took pity of them at first and happily accompany them everywhere. he knows how anxious it can be to be around something so unfamiliar and scary, and he understands how it feels to be frustrated knowing that you can't save everyone (he hopes that rookie can be more mature but for now he'd gladly sigh at their naivety).

soap ⇄ rookie

maybe because i view soap to be slightly older than gaz i feel like soap and rookie are more like siblings? i feel like if soap became best friends with rookie, he'd be too much for the poor lad. soap as best friend is a good trope but he's a wild card that he could show up at your doorstep either with a bong or a shovel, and i'm not sure if rookie can handle all that. he's a good friend, sure, but one that gaz hope that won't influence rookie too much because what is he going to do with not one but two soap at the barracks?

that being said, i think that soap treats rookie like somewhat of a younger sibling that he gets to pick on from time to time, but in a nice way. like he'd wear their stuff that he found on the laundry, strutting a booty shorts (and killing it) while he makes some coffee for himself as rookie hunts his head for sports since all their clothes get stretched because of him. or the one that tells them that price likes spicy in his sandwich causing rookie to witness price choke on a sub slathered with hot sauce, getting them in trouble. he takes advantage of their naivety in a funny way and he teaches them weird things. definitely gets him in trouble with ghost though because of that.

price ⇄ rookie

now don't come at me for being so overrated, but i see price as a father figure. if activision don't want me to commit fatherless behavior, then they probably shouldn't make him so dad material in the first place. that being said, i like to think that when price sees rookie's files and do a small "interview" with the lad, he feels like he was responsible for a new teammate. like mama hen finding a kitten and taking care of it like a chick.

he understands that rookie is very, very new to everything, and that's saying it lightly. being the youngest of the group, an immigrant, not to mention very naive made him pity the newbie, which of course made him go "dad mode" and teach them things from time to time. he has definitely been called "dad" by accident a few times by rookie, but he didn't seem to mind. didn't seem to enjoy the fact that soap's influencing them to act up too at times.

ghost ⇄ rookie

now ghost is my favorite (obviously), so this might be long. in general, ghost didn't like how inexperienced rookie is. they're in 141, working as an sas soldier, and they're going to fumble on their guns like an idiot?

preposterous, why did laswell let them in the team?

it's not like he has any say in it, and unfortunately he had to mentor them and make sure they're doing a good job (read: babysitting, as he would say), and it didn't make him feel better about it. sometimes i want to see him just grab the poor newbie and just scream at their face like "what do you want!? i can't believe someone is this bloody fucking incompetent, you might as well be a sea cucumber!" like this man would not hesitate to insult the newbie to the point that they're crying.

and he should be. he's not going to put his life in the hands of some dumbass who can't shoot right half the time.

of course, it'll take a long, long time for him to acknowledge their skill, even getting a small "passable" from him is worth celebrating. literal years to be close to him, share the fact that they're both fatherless people who used to live in an abusive household and maybe he'll start to acknowledge them (anything that's beside work ofc). little affirmation that they've gotten this far somehow even after such horrible things happening to them.

i only ever pair rookie with ghost and soap (or both of them together as a throuple) romantically, gaz is more platonic and price is more fatherly.

i know this is a different post from what i normally would post but if you're all interested in getting to know rookie more, feel free to interact. my askbox are open for requests or something a bit more casual, don't be shy. i don't bite.

#call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #cod #call of duty self insert #call of duty oc #cod oc #cod self insert #self insert #yumejoshi #yume #yumeship

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ashleyh713fanfics · 4 days

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Dazai x Odasaku's Little Sister Ch19 and Ch20

Double Upload:

Chapter 19: "I Want To Be Your Entire World"

Summary: The one thing Dazai craved more than anything was for him to be wanted by someone to be needed until he was the center of their entire world. So when that suddenly goes away, the boy frantically does everything and anything to get it back, even exposing a part of himself that has alway been so impossibly scary. But if it made Odasaku's sister look at him again, then it was worth it.

Chapter 20: "Let's Kiss and Find Out"

Summary: As both Dazai and Odasaku's little sister share in one nightly overindulge, feelings and words become messy, revealing the true intentions of the demon prodigy and the shame that comes with it. And when she trusts the demon with a kiss, Dazai wonders how he can possibly honor Odasaku's wish when he clearly desires to ruin her.

Warnings: pm!sixteen year old dazai, underage drinking, forced kiss talk, consensual kiss, messed up views about touch/sex but not in detail, death, murder, suicide mentions, manipulation on both sides, odasaku death mentions, dazai being a simp and a clingy baby boy, dazai's port mafia black soul is prominent here, dazai is also a little bottom bitch here for real.

(This is chapter nineteen and twenty of my fanfic "Timeless" which is now on A03. I'll link the master list below so you can get the full story. Asagao's ability is to stop time for up to six seconds.)

Master List Here

A03 Here

Work Count: 18k (long one for you)

Chapter 19:

"I Want To Be Your Entire World"

Asagao didn’t talk much on the way back to Oda’s apartment and Dazai could immediately tell the difference between her usual over exaggerated demeanor and this new placid one. And to be completely honest, he didn’t like the latter at all.

Mostly because he was used to the girl talking his ear off about random things and ideas while he dragged her along the streets of Yokohama, the tone of her voice always so happy to be in the moment with him, wherever it was.

She was like a golden retriever in that aspect, always annoying and always eager for his attention. And though Dazai hated dogs, he liked always being the center of her world in every single aspect. It fed into his selfish and self centered desire to be wanted, to be needed by another person.

But right now, her center wavered, the girl not looking around at all in order for her eyes to stay trained to her feet as he dragged her by the wrist and into the apartment.

Dazai felt the loss immediately, the boy’s fingers growing fidgety like the worst withdrawal of his life. She’d hadn’t looked at or acknowledged him once and it was starting to make him feel anxious and twitchy.

He didn’t realize how badly he relied on her attention until it had been taken away like this. Now he wanted to do anything and everything to get it back, to make those eager, waiting, pretty little expressions of hers to focus back on him like the simp she was.

I mean, she said that he was her lifeline, right? He was the reason that she was in Yokohama, looking for her big brother in his stories. So why was she now treating him so insignificantly like any old stranger on the street?

No, he hated that, he didn’t want to be a stranger, he wanted to remain her entire world.

Watching her wordlessly close the door behind her, Asa then quietly slipped from her grip before sitting down at her usual spot by the table in order to lay her head on the surface with a suppressed groan.

The boy then let out a sigh of his own, Dazai knowing immediately where the disconnect stemmed from. It was that stupid slugs fault, he was the one that made her act so out of character and distant.

And the executive had mixed feelings about Chuuya’s stupid reaction to Asagao. Sure, he expected the ginger to not take well to her manipulative tendencies but it seemed like his darling had put too much faith into a guy with barely two working brain cells.

Of course Chuuya wouldn't have understood her, he wasn’t smart enough to do so. Asagao was a unique being, an acquired taste that was rejected by most people in the world so of course the slug wouldn’t be able to see just how special she is.

But it seemed like Asagao expected too much from the idiot, thinking that he could and now she was doomed to live with the inevitable devastation of disappointment that came afterwards.

It was her fault for doing so, for thinking that Chuuya would understand her in the same kind of capacity that Dazai could.

Yet in a sick sort of messed up way, Dazai was happy that this was the result, because that meant that he wasn’t going to be replaced. She wasn't going to go off with Chuuya instead and leave him alone in the dark.

That slugs reaction had helped him in the long run, and even though Asa was sad about it, he was glad. If she was happy about their meeting and Chuuya actually gave her a chance then who knows what could’ve happened?

Dazai didn’t like to think about that, about the possibility of that hat rack taking her away to a place he could never reach.

No, Chuuya couldn’t be her center, he couldn’t be her lifeline.

That was his job.

And Dazai knew he wouldn’t have been able to bear seeing her shift her attention elsewhere, to not be able to see the absolute adoration and attachment he always did whenever she looked at him.

Moving over to the table silently, Asa didn’t stir at all, causing Dazai’s lips to curve down into a bothered frown.

He wanted to help her, mostly for himself so that he could gain that familiar acknowledgment once more, but how? How could he snap her out of her Chuuya based depression?

Making someone feel better wasn’t really his specialty, after all. In fact, the demon only knew how to give the opposite effect so this was new territory. Sure, he knew how to manipulate someone to happiness but Asagao wasn’t one to fall for his usual tricks so that wasn’t going to work. It had to be genuine.

Yet the more he stared at her, the more the sixteen year old kid felt at a loss. What did normal people say or do in this kind of circumstance? He didn’t know. The port mafia didn’t ever educate him on mushy things like this.

Dazai then flipped through his memory, searching for something that could possibly help him. He may have not known how to go about this but perhaps there was someone else's experience that he could steal from.

That’s when his eyes flashed towards the small liquor cabinet to his left in order for a sharp painful grief to course through him without permission.

Ah, that’s right. That’s what Odasaku would’ve done.

Asagao only groaned from under her arms though, the words of rejection pounding through her head over and over again. She made such an embarrassment of herself, and in front of Chuuya also. Now he’ll never want to be her friend.

Honestly serves her right for thinking that in the first place. Asa didn’t have friends and she was foolish to think she could. Who would ever want to be close to a freak like her anyways?

Damn it, she really hated herself right now.

Yet that’s when she heard the small clink of glass together only for Asa to lift her head up in confusion to find Osamu holding two empty cups between his fingers, the objects outstretched out towards her with silent question.

Staring at the clear colored glass, her eyes couldn’t help but soften. He knew she needed this, huh? Was it really that obvious? “Thanks Osamu..”

She then grabbed the glass on the left before placing it on the table as Dazai quickly did the same with his in order to pull out a large bottle of whiskey from the cabinet behind him. “Pick your poison.”

Asa only lifted her glass up in response though. “Just whatever you’re having is good.”

Nodding once, Dazai then popped the top of the bottle before pouring the amber colored liquid into both of their glasses and sitting down beside her quietly as she swirled the alcohol around absentmindedly.

Dazai was the one that spoke first, his voice slightly apprehensive for the personal subject. “Odasaku would always take me out for a drink wherever I had something I wanted to forget.”

He was explaining his actions, it was obvious. Asa could tell, he wanted her to know why he had offered her the alcohol in the first place. This was probably the only method of coping he knew how to do, not that she minded though. The girl was no stranger to this toxic way of dealing with her problems either.

Smiling sadly into the glass, Asa thought about the sentence. Her brother's methods were always so dismissive, weren’t they? He didn’t outwardly talk about his problems, just took himself to a place where he could disappear from it.

It wasn’t the best method out there but because it was Oda’s she couldn’t help but indulge in the same to feel close to him. “Well then, let’s not leave him hanging, right?”

Lifting her glass up towards the liquor cabinet, Dazai’s eyes moved to the sight before his own expression softened with understanding. “Right.”

Then the boy carefully picked out another glass before turning to the spot where his best friend used to occupy between the two kids. It was an unspoken rule that neither of them sat there, for good reason. They didn’t have the right to.

Placing the object in the middle of the table, Dazai then carefully lifted the bottle of whiskey before pouring an equal amount of liquor with a quiet mutter. “Here you go, Odasaku.”

And even though Oda would never occupy in that space again, the slightly full glass of whiskey made it feel like his presence hadn’t fully disappeared from the place.

Dazai was thankful that she mentioned it, because now the air didn’t feel as foreign and empty as before.

Nodding once at the gesture, Asa then took a long sip of her drink before sighting out heavily. “Hey Osamu, what do you think I did wrong back there?”

He knew what she was talking about immediately, their plan to fool Chuuya. “I didn’t see anything wrong, love. Chibi is just an idiot. Ignore him. That’s what I do.”

That seemed easier said than done though, the girl quickly downing the rest of her drink before flopping onto the surface of her table with a loud groan. “Maybe I should’ve acted more normal. He might’ve liked me then.”

Dazai couldn’t help scoff at that though, the words bitter on his tongue. What the hell was she saying? What was the point if she just pretended to be any other bitch?

Sure, maybe it would’ve made her easier for Chibi to digest but then she’d be striping the most enticing parts about herself.

The boy didn’t keep her around all this time because she was normal. Yes, she was Odasaku’s sister and regardless of her personality he would have probably still had some kind of relationship with her but Dazai was absolutely positive that it wouldn’t have been as extensive as it was now if she was boring like all the rest.

Her originality and unique mindset was what kept him entranced and taking that part away from her was like destroying the real Asagao. Who cares if Chuuya and everyone else preferred the water down version of her, that wasn’t real.

Changing herself to be more easily received was the worst choice she could ever make. Then she’d be like everyone else, boring, predictable and easily disposable.

Waving the idea away with disgust, Dazai frowned. “Don’t bend yourself over backwards for a stupid slug. Your non-normality is the best part about you, love.”

And he hated how she couldn’t see it, that she couldn’t recognize the same things that Dazai did. It was obvious from the disconnected look in her face. “Well, I hate to break to you, Samu but I don’t know if you’re the best person to say that. You aren’t normal either.”

Gasping dramatically in response, Dazai then shoved a hand over his non-existent heart before leaning backwards like he had been shot with the worst kind of bullet imaginable. “Ah, my heart! I’m wounded. You’re so cruel, Asa-chan.”

Asa was used to his antics though, the girl simply shaking her head with dismissal. “I’m just saying that most people don’t think like that. I just forgot how they usually react, I forgot that no one else is as understanding as you. Not even Chuuya..”

It was a fact she had chosen to admit from her mind until now. Osamu was a wonder but he wasn’t like everyone else. Besides, his viewpoint and upbringing were just as fucked up as hers was so of course they related to each other.

But everyone else wasn’t the same, and no matter how many times she realized that it still stung all the same. The truth was, she was unfinished project, never good enough to blend in and yet never evil enough to say fuck it and not care about the worlds opinion.

Either way she was an outlier.

She then paused when Osamu spoke back to her, his uncovered eye trained to his drink before taking a causal sip. “You know what I think, love?”

Glancing back to him in return, the boy then added plainly. “Anyone that only accepts the watered down version of you is pointless, because that’s not the real you anyways, and lying to yourself just to be something you aren’t isn’t going to make you happy, is it?”

His words caused a heavy hole to rupture into her chest. He had a point, if she pretended to be someone else in order to get approval than what was the point? That’s not what she really wanted.

Becoming someone fake was possible, sure, but also impossibly exhausting. Soon enough they’d figure out what a freak she was, just like Chuuya did. “No, I guess not..”

Then she watched Osamu simply shrug his shoulders before placing the glass back on the table with a wave of his hand. “Well then, screw them. If they can't see the beauty that I see then let them stay blind..”

At that, Asagao felt her eyes widen as she almost choked on her drink.

Beauty? He saw beauty in her? No impossible, that’s the last thing she was. He was just flirting with her per usual. That had to be it. No one had ever called her remotely beautiful before.

Still, if he was authentic it was a nice sentiment, and the way he proclaimed it didn’t feel like a lie. But if that was true then she still wouldn’t have known how to take it. Then again, this was Osamu she was talking about, the best womanizer in the universe.

Ah, what was she doing? She needed to stop thinking about it so much. They weren’t even in a real relationship. He had no reason to mean that. It had to be just an offhanded compliment, something he said to hundreds of girls.

Dazai then grumbled to himself before lifting his arms up dramatically in order to flare them around in explanation. “Especially Chuuya, screw Chuuya the most. Throw him off a building or something..”

Giving her a small wink and an eyebrow wiggle, the boy then propped his head into his hands before giving her a sly flirtatious smile. “Either way, you have someone much better looking around anyways.”

And whether he had meant it as a joke or not, Asagao’s lips couldn’t help but curve into a smile as a light chuckle escaped her lips for his dramatic flare. He was so silly sometimes, she couldn’t get enough.

Brightening up immediately, Dazai then leaned his entire body closer to her, his waist leaning against the table before pointing in her direction. “Ahh, I hear a laugh! There’s my girl..”

Then all at once, Asagao’s face instantly turned red, her head sharply turning away from him before shaking it to hide the hue.

There it was again, that phrase. That was the second time he called her his girl.

He had to stop doing that, she didn’t know how to take it.

Placing her hands over her entire face in order to calm herself, Dazai only frowned at the reaction, his body practically throwing itself over the table with an over the top gasp. “Wait, you’re not laughing cause you think I’m ugly, right? Cause I’m clearly not, I mean look at my face, how could you call me anything less than the handsomest man you’ve ever met? Way better than that slug, Chibi. Right, right? Come on, tell me that's not it. Asa-channnn…”

He then pointed to his face in question, before watching the girl shake her head under her hands, his whine only making her laugh even more in order to feel the heat throughout her entire face. “No no, it's not. You’re right. I don’t know what I was so sad about. I clearly already found the best guy that understands me.”

Turning his head upside down, to try to decipher her expression, Dazai coaxed. “And the most handsomeee…?”

Asagao then smiled through her laugh, her fingers threatening to slip from her face. “Yes Samu, and the most handsome.”

The boy wasn’t done though, blinking once before questioning again. “More handsome than Chuuya..?”

Finally letting go of her face, Asa stared at the floor only for her eyes to soften. He was playing this off but he was really worried about it, wasn’t he? He wanted validation, reassurance of his place and she had no problem in giving it to him.

So against her nerves, the girl then sighed to herself before turning back to the waiting boy, allowing him to see the flustered and reddened cheeks on her face in order to give him physical proof that he was the only one that could give such a response.

Then she spoke, allowing her feelings of admiration to shine through. “No one could ever replace you in my eyes, Samu. Not even as the most handsome.”

Watching his eyes practically sparkle with validation, Dazai then gasped once more before reeling back from the table, his hand reapplying to his heart, except this time instead of acting like he was shot, he acted like he had gotten hit by cupid himself.

The boy then fell onto the floor unusually before rolling around like a wiggly worm, his voice fast and giddy. “Ah! You agreed, you called me handsome! See, I know you have to down bad for me, Asa-chan. So scandalous. You’re even blushing, Aww how cute! What an adorable little darling I have. I can’t take it!”

His display couldn’t help but cause Asa to smile under her hand covering her lips leaning over the table to get a better look at the boy’s antics. “I think you have it backwards, Samu. Obviously the cute one right now is you.”

Rolling over to her side, the boy then placed his hands on the skirt of her bloodied dress, hosting his body upwards to balance on her folded legs in order to brush a single finger across the reddend spots on her cheeks. “How could that be possible when you’re the one blushing, love?”

Asa’s eyes widened at his newfound touch, her gaze turning away with newfound embarrassment for her the heat in her cheeks. “A-Ah, sorry. It's just the alcohol..”

Dazai only hummed though, tapping her skin playfully before putting his thumb and forefinger under his chin in a striking pose. “Sure sure, I don’t believe you though. It’s obvious, you can’t get enough of me.”

He was flirting again, joking surely. He was doing that alot tonight for some reason which wouldn’t have been strange but it seemed like Dazai’s personality had yet to switch from the fake lover they agreed upon in order to trick those traitors.

No, he was still doting on her and Asagao didn’t know how to take it. Sure, he was suggestive sometimes but it was never like this. But there was no one around to perform for anymore so why was he still acting like this?

And why was it harder to ignore and dismiss tonight? It had to be the alcohol, making her more aware of him in the most dangerous ways. Just like when he fake kissed her in that elevator back at the port mafia apartments, she was starstruck yet again.

Feeling her anxiety suddenly spike, Asa then blinked back to reality in order to find Osamu’s fingers around the rim of her glasses. Wait, what was he doing? No, she didn’t want to see right now, not after Chuuya’s recent rejection.

The truth was, she was terrified, scared of the same thing repeating itself. And sure, Samu had seen her before but the furious look in the ginger’s eye still haunted her memory even now, enough for her to recoil back inside her traumatized shell.

No, she wouldn't be able to bear it if Osu wore even a sliver of that kind of expression. It would break her in a way she knew couldn’t be repaired. He was her safe space and risking that especially now was something he dreaded more than anything.

So much so, her hand robotically grasped onto his bandaged wrist before pleading pathetically under her breath. “N-No..I can’t right now..”

Dazai felt the tremor under her skin immediately, his voice coaxing and smooth, just like it always was when he wanted something. “You don’t trust me?”

Shaking her head, Asa gripped even tighter than before. “It’s not that..it's just..too fresh..words are one thing but seeing again so soon, it will hurt again, I just know it..”

She was being irrational, she knew she was. Osamu wasn’t Chuuya, but even so she couldn’t help but hesitate. Just an hour ago she was thrown into a full on panic and Asa wasn’t completely sure that wasn’t going to happen again just yet.

Feeling his fingertips bring her back to his gaze, Samu’s touch trailed away from the metal barriers before gently cupping her cheek with reassurance. “It won’t be the same, cause I’m not that slug.”

And Dazai hated the retraction that his stupid partner had brought on. Chuuya was careless and cruel, making her apprehensive of her breathtaking eyes once again. He didn’t blame her for the reaction but now it seemed like that ginger had taken away Dazai's privileges as well.

By rejecting her, Chuuya had always caused Asagao to associate everyone with that same horrible reaction, to put them all in the same inevitable box, even Dazai.

No, he couldn’t have that, he refused to be grouped in with every other insignificant idiot that called her a monster. He wasn’t that simple minded, and though it was trauma that was clouding her real judgment, he still refused even to let that thought ruminate even for a second more.

The words had helped but they weren’t enough, he could tell. She still hadn’t returned to him, she was still drifting to a place that he couldn’t reach fast enough. “But..”

Watching her gaze travel away from him again, the boy felt uneasy. Her center was still wavering, flickering in and out of his perception and he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to be associated with everyone else, he needed to be special.

He needed to be her entire world again.

Dazai was desperate, willing to do anything to stand out from the crowds that Asa had unknowingly pushed him into. No, words weren’t enough, she needed to see firsthand that he was worlds better than Chuuya could ever be.

Sucking in a heavy breath of anxiety, Dazai then slipped his fingers from her cheek to her chin, pulling her focus back on him before running his thumb over her bottom lip as tenderly as he was able to. “Come on, pretty. Let me prove it to you.”

And that seemed to spark something within her, the boy’s feeling her lips tense under his touch before finally letting go on his wrist so that he could slip the large glasses from her face without another word.

Almost instantly, she flinched out of his grip in order to close her eyes and sharply barrel them to the floor instead, metaphorically hiding away from herself before she inevitably got hurt again.

The response only made Dazai’s frown deepen though, feeling the rejection through every single one of his veins. No, this wasn’t enough. He needed to do something that would make her focus back on him, and he needed to do it quickly before the gnawing insecurity dragged him to insanity.

But what could he do to prove his distinction? What could he offer to her that would be enough to have his full and undivided attention again? Sure, he could force her to look at him but that wouldn’t do any good. Like he said before, his actions had to be genuine to shake her.

Tightening the glasses around his anxious fingers, the boy then closed his eyes. She needed to see him, just like she had seen Chuuya. She needed to look at Dazai in the same light, only then would her mind truly distinguish the two.

It was easier said than done though, knowing that the one thing Asa needed was also the one thing that Dazai had been hiding from his entire life. But if it got her to turn back to him, if it made her shift back to making him her everything then it was worth it.

Yes, he was terrified of being perceived, but he was even more terrified of losing her completely, and that was enough for him to make a final decision.

Then before he could change his mind and snap back to common sense, the boy reached down, latching on her wrist once before lifting it upwards to the destination unknown to even Asagao herself.

Vaguely feeling her hand move against her own violation, Asagao squeezed her eyes, willing the pounding headache away as past images of Chuuya’s rejection flooded her senses, suffocating her all over again.

It didn’t matter if he wasn’t here anymore, she could still feel it, that skin crawling horror and recoil through every single one of her muscles in a shaky stutter. Chuuya’s hatred, his disgust, his deplorable loathing, it was everywhere, hurting her with invisible claws and sharp horrible talons.

Why did she agree to do this? She wasn’t ready, she couldn’t breathe, she wanted to disappear forever. She wanted to claw out her own eyes with her shaking fingertips and never have to experience such awful images ever again.

Yet that’s when she felt her hijacked hand touch something familiar, the skin brushing against the unseen notion of gauze before she physically gasped and her own eyes snapped open without a second thought.

No, it couldn’t be.

Skin, she was touching skin. And not just that, the top of her nails had seemingly been enveloped by gauze, laying like a blanket over the surface only for the pads of her fingertips to brush against the outline of an eye.

The feeling was dumbfounding, causing Asagao’s head to physically break out of her own prison before locking her analytical eyes to the sight before her.

Her hand was underneath the bandages on Osamu’s face, he had put it there on purpose. But why? He had never allowed anyone to do that before, especially her.

Growing lightheaded, she then felt Samu’s hand fall from her wrist, leaving her stagnant and giving her complete control of the situation as his shoulders tensed underneath her.

Could it be? Was he giving her permission to remove his safety net, to slip the gauze from his eye and gaze at the one thing he had never allowed up until this point?

No, impossible. Dazai never had that kind of trust, he always made her wear the blindfold before touching him.

Taking a shaky breath, Asa whispered. “S-Samu? Are you sure?”

And from the clearly apprehensive quiver of his lips, he wasn’t. This was probably the scariest thing in the world for him to do and yet he was pushing himself for her. But why? Why would he ever go this far?

She got her answer a second later, his voice just barely audible, like an unsure child pleading for something regardless. “I want you to look at me again.”

And how could she possibly say no to that kind of face? She couldn’t, not when her eyes made it impossible to miss every single drop of desperation and disheartened anguish that laid there.

So much so, Asagao forced her shaky fingers to move, sliding the white colored bandages easily aside since they were already fairly loose from his fiddling in order for the boy to tense up even more as the breeze hit his clammy skin.

The ribboned gauze fell away a second later, causing Asa’s fingers to brush away the falling brown strands in order for her mouth to fall open and the words to dissipate from her lips.

There he was, fully right in front of her, both of his eyes on display for the first time in his life.

And they were beautiful, a picturesque hazel that swarmed with so many secrets and feelings that it caused Asa to physically gasp.

So much so, the girl couldn’t help herself, immediately latching both of her hands on either side of his face before pulling him closer to her and deciphering each section like a drug.

The layers of himself that he kept hidden, the parts that he buried under a chamaeleon of various fake actions and words, they all mixed around in his iris’, threatening to be revealed.

There was a darkness there, floating around the circular edges. Of course there was. That was always the first thing her cursed gaze ever saw, the bad. But this version was almost more sorrowful than scary, making her want to cry rather than run away.

She saw the little boy trapped inside, hiding behind a facade bigger than himself but it was still there. Desperate to be understood and yet terrified of the very notion. A child that only looked towards death in every single circumstance.

There was also fear, apprehension and alarm for what she was doing, for what she was uncovering. But even though his shoulders continued to tense and his jaw shuttered with vulnerability, he didn’t avert his gaze, probably already knowing that it would shatter her with that same rejection if he did so.

And though this was the easiest part of him to reveal to her, that still didn’t make it easy. Sure, his eyes didn’t hold any scarred or unpleasant memories but it was still a part that he kept hidden from the world, a function that he did without in order to preserve the ugly parts of him.

Asagao understood that as well, brushing her thumb on his cheeks in tiny reassuring circles as his eyes shifted into something different, a new layer uncovering from the ether of his many faces.

The fear, the darkness was still there but now there was something else, something that resembled grief, mixed together with a new emotion, flecked in tiny spots but still extremely noticeable for someone like Asa.

He was looking at her with so much admiration, appreciation, wonder, and fixated entrancement. There was no disgust, no rejection or ugly feelings that she had expected. In fact, his face displayed something more on the lines of worship than anything else.

But who could he be worshiping, surely not her, right? It was probably because she wore the face of his best friend and that was who he was admiring. Such strong emotions and feelings couldn't be suited to her in that kind of way.

Yet regardless of the intent, it was nothing like the hot licks of anger that Chuuya had given her. No, Osamu’s eyes held a more solemn air, a desperate and yet calculating aura that contradicted themselves, just like all the parts he forced himself to play.

And whether he had meant it or not, she quickly found herself consumed entirely, unable to think about anything else except the boy in front of her. Any semblance of Chuuya and those horrible feelings was completely gone, replaced by the thousands of stories behind his forlorn hazel expression.

Her head began to spin once again, overloaded by the onslaught of information but not pulling away like before. It was almost like she couldn’t, like she wanted to disappear inside the enigma that was threatening to swallow her whole. It should've hurt, but it didn’t.

For the first time, she didn’t want to look away, she didn’t want the release of her blind barriers in order to decipher every single spec about the withdrawn child that he could allow her to have. She wanted to know everything, to see everything, even the bad.

He had trusted her with such an integral part of himself, allowed her to look into a section of his own insecurities just to make her see that he wasn’t going to reject her like Chuuya had.

It was overwhelming, causing tears to prick the corners of her eyes before finally tearing herself away from the sight in order to bury her head into his shoulder with a shaking breath.

He gave her so much, and she would be forever thankful for it. “T-Thank you.”

Osamu didn’t say anything, his hand simply reaching forward in order to cradle the back of her head silently. But even still, Asa knew what he meant. He was saying your welcome.

Grasping her shaky hands onto his bloodied jacket, Asa then gave a pathetic little sniffle before muttering into the fabric. “Are you staying tonight?”

She then felt his touch disappear from her head in order to pick up the discarded bandages and wrap them back around his eye. “I wish, but Mori will get suspicious if I don’t go back. He’s gonna want a report about tonight.”

Asa could understand that. He had been spending the night more frequently over the last couple months, which meant that eventually the boss would be looking for him, and that was something neither of them wanted.

So she didn’t push it, the girl feeling the sticky blood on her fingers from the fabric of his jacket with a hum. “Okay, but at least let me wash your jacket before you go. Since I know you won’t do it later.”

Sucking in a breath between his teeth, Dazai replied playfully, knowing that she was indeed right. He had a habit of disregarding himself more often than not. “Ouch, Asa-chan. You really got me with that one.”

His body shifted then, allowing Asagao to pull back from the jacket in order place the glasses beside her back onto her face in order to pause at her own appearance.

Ah crap, looks like it wasn’t just Osamu that got messy. Her new dress was also caked with dried blood and dirt from their previous fight. How awful of her to be so careless, especially when Samu had given such a precious gift to her. What kind of fake girlfriend was she?

Forcing herself to stand, Asa frowned at the crimson mess, holding the ends of her skirt in order to try and find each stain and imperfection. “Guess I should probably change also. I’m sorry Samu, you went through all the trouble to get me this beautiful dress and I ruined it. Maybe I could still get some of the stains out though. Let me try...”

Yet that’s when she felt Dazai’s hand grasp her wrist, his voice firm. “Don’t..”

Don’t? Don’t what? What could he possibly mean? What was he trying to stop her from doing? She only wanted to salvage what she could of the dress.

Asa then gasped out a reply, unable to question his strange command as she felt his hand slip to her lower back, pulling her body forward as his un bandaged eye turned towards the tainted teal dress with finality.

And when he spoke, it was deeper, laced in desire. “I like it better like this.”

His tone caught her off guard, suddenly feeling rather self conscious for the way he was looking at her. How could this possibly be better? She probably looked like a disaster right now. Even her hair was all messed up. “A-Are you sure? But it’s not how it’s supposed to look..”

Asa recalled the perfectly placed dress inside of the pink box when she received it. Not a crease was out of place or a wrinkle to be seen. Yet now it was nothing of the sort.

The moment she put on the fabric it seemed to morph into that same messy and imperfect disappointment she had always described herself to be. That by placing the dress on her body, she had unknowingly tainted the normality with it.

Suddenly, all the self doubt seemed to dissipate as Osamu’s hand reached forward, gathering around a wild messy strand of hair before twisting it around in fingers.

Then he lifted the piece to his lips before kissing it softly before speaking with so much honesty that it caused the girl’s heart to tumble with shock. “And that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Feeling her face flush again, Asagao blinked in disbelief. What? What did he just say? He thought this was beautiful, that the imperfect unordinary mess she created was beautiful? No, it couldn’t be. She had ruined it the second it graced her skin, just like she had ruined herself as a child.

And it wasn’t just that, the way he touched her hair and kissed it so gently, it implied that he wasn’t just talking about the dress. But how could that be? Had she really correlated the two things together like she had so easily? Did he see the similarities between her and this dress?

He had to, that’s why he was looking at her so clearly. The bloody dress, the abnormality of her very being, both were the furthest thing from the cookie cutter way that they were supposed to be.

Yet regardless of the expectations, Osamu had just called them both beautiful.

And in a way, it was almost like he was calling her beautiful as well. Just like before, expect this time it was harder to deny the meaning of the phrase.

So much so, Asagao felt her heart pound inside her ears, the heat in her cheeks undeniable as she forced herself to mutter a response. “O-Oh, okay..”

And when he finally let her breathe, Asa’s eyes immediately turned back to the empty liquor glass on the table before internally cursing for the dangerous feelings it had given her.

All of this, the way she was feeling, it was because of the alcohol, right?

It had to be.

Chapter 20:

"Let's Kiss And Find Out"

The plan was only for Dazai to stay until his jacket was dry, yet somehow while in the process of that simple idea the two kids had emptied a full bottle of whiskey and were now giggling like loons on the floor, fully gone from any semblance of sobriety.

They didn’t seem to have a problem with it though, Dazai tossing the empty glass bottle behind him with a drunken hum of dissatisfaction, clearly wanting more. I mean, what else were they supposed to do while they waited? It wasn’t like they could let Odasaku’s good booze go to waste, right?

This wasn’t an unusual occurrence either, the two having indulged in this kind of night many times before. In fact, in the last three or fourth months both Asa and Dazai were no strangers to a drink or two.

Yes, sometimes the location was different, the kids finding themselves on the familiar barstools of Lupin instead of Oda’s apartment but the result was still the same. Yet, this was the first time the teenagers had finished an entire bottle, and the effects were glaringly obvious.

They were usually better about this after all. Careful not to overindulge for fear of what it might bring. But between Asagao’s unpleasant meeting with Chuuya and Dazai’s misjudgement in the plan to bring those traitors down, it seemed both of them had things they wanted to drown out tonight.

Hence, the drunken state they were both in.

One overindulgence, couldn’t hurt right? What was the harm in that?

Righting herself upwards, Asa then flopping the hand of cards in between her fingers on the table before a victorious intoxicated grin slipped onto her lips. “Ha! Got you again! Not so tough now are you, Mr. Super Smart Mafia Man! You’re not as cool as you think you are, huhhh?”

She elongated the last part of her sentence, causing Dazai’s voice to sound in a resonating whine of protest. “Whaa?! No fair, Asa-channnn. I definitely won that one! How did you do that?”

The game was poker, something that the kids played regularly. Dazai had shown her how to play a couple months back during one of their nightly trips to Bar Lupin. It was a game that Odasaku enjoyed, and because of that it was something they picked almost all the time.

Just so they could both feel closer to him.

Asa only hummed though, pushing her hands through her hair in an attempt to look cool.“A winner never reveals their secrets, love. I’m just too good.

Sadly though, the move did anything but that, her fingers immediately getting caught in the wild and messy strands before wiggling them out in an uncoordinated tug and a hiss.

Dazai didn’t seem to care about that though, his eyes narrowing in order to lean closer over the table with an accusatory point of his finger. “Nuh uh. I know what you’re doing. It’s written all over that pretty face of yours.”

Scrambling on his hands and knees in order to crawl over to her, the brown haired dazed boy then sloppy threw his pointer finger straight into the middle of her forehead, his cheeks rosy and flushed. “Righttt there, I can see it. You can’t fool me…even if I keep getting distracted by your stunningly perfect little eyes..it’s still there..”

Yet as soon as he touched her skin, Asa immediately pulled away, leaning back on her folded legs with a pout. “Nooo you dont. You don’t see nothing, Samu.”

Her grammar was completely off but both kids hardly focused on it. It’s not like they could anyways considering they were both unable to recognize the slurs in their speech. Neither one could call the other out to correct it.

And to be honest, Asa was thankful that was the case because it seemed like her mind was far from the malfunction that Osamu had given her while she was tipsy. The self awareness of his flirting didn’t affect her as much now, simply because she couldn’t process more than one thing at a time.

Thank god for that. It made everything so much easier. So much so, drunk Asa tried to make a mental list inside her head before the thought blew away for another. Sober Asagao and Drunk Asagao were fine, but tipsy Asagao, now that was something she needed to look out for.

Because when she was tipsy, she walked the line between reality and fantasy, she was still able to perceive Osamu’s flirty attitude but the loss of sobriety caused her to linger into dangerous ideas, ideas that she knew Samu wasn’t mutual on.

That should’ve grounded her but as soon as the alcohol infused in her system, it fed into delusion, and that was something that she simply couldn’t have. The two were just using each other after all, Osamu’s comments were shallow, she had to remember that.

And although he was still flirting even now, the ratio of whiskey in her system heavily outweighed the ratio of everything else, leaving her in a state of bliss, brushing his sweet nothings off like fluffy clouds of pleasant emotion.

They didn’t process, they didn’t register as much as before, and she was thankful for it all the same.

Wiggling the finger in her face, Dazai waved his bandaged arms in explanation. “Yes I do. I see it. You’re a cheater..a big fat pumpkin eater cheater! Just like Odasaku. You’re swindlin me..”

Asagao gasped immediately, her hands fumbling to her chest before crossing them in fake hurt to what he was implying. “Whaat?! So mean, Samuuu. I would never. I’m playin fair and square. You just suck.”

Sticking her tongue out child-ishly for effect, Dazai’s lips opened with disbelief. “Hey, I don’t suck! I used to beat Odasaku lots of times! Here, I’ll prove it. Deal me another round. I’ll show you this time.”

The grumpy boy then took the cards from her hands before sloppily shuffling them around in order to shove the rectangular deck onto the table next to her with a huff.

He didn’t suck, he’d show her how smart he was, even while being distracted by her pretty face, which was extremely distracting by the way.

Complying immediately, Asa reached for the deck, giving the cards a couple more turns before setting up the game with a drunken hum of a challenge, her tone rather sing song in design. “Aww, looks like Mr. Mafia Man is also a sore loserrr.”

She then slid the two hidden cards over to him before lifting up her own with vague disinterest, more focused on the way Samu’s fingers hovered over the corners in order to turn them towards him.

Asagao then smiled under her breath before wordlessly activating her ability just as the cards lifted up, the girl crawling over and behind the frozen Dazai, trapped in suspended time in order to peer over his shoulder to see his round of cards.

Hey listen, she didn’t say she was honest, okay?

Dazai may have correctly called her a cheater but what he didn’t know didn’t kill him. She was just using what she had to get ahead, just like she always did in life.

Yet it seemed she grossly miscalculated her steps, the auburn haired girl far too focused on his cards in order to completely miss the empty glass whiskey bottle that Dazai had thrown behind him.

Scooting closer to read the suit and color with her blurry lenses, Asagao then fully slammed her knee on the bottle, causing her balance to waver before she stumbled back with a surprised squeak of fear in order to reach her hands out to ground herself.

She then fumbled to the nearest solid object she could find, latching onto the familiar feelings of cotton to regain her footing.

Yet in doing so, it seemed she had regrettably grabbed onto Osamu’s shoulders, causing his ability to deactivate her own as the world spun back to life.

Oh shit, that wasn’t supposed to happen.

Feeling the ominous presence and the feeling on his shoulders immediately, Dazai then sharply turned around on instinct in order to find her red handed in the act.

Well, she was screwed. So much so being clever.

Yet as much as she was in trouble, Dazai’s tense muscles were the one thing she could focus on. It was clear that she had frightened him with the touch, like a flight or fight response and she wanted to apologize for it. “Opps hehe. Didn’t mean to touch you like that. Sorry.”

Quickly taking her hands off his shoulders, Dazai then watched her wordlessly, his eyes scanning from the cards in his hand back to her before she laughed nervously. “Uhhh..it’s not what it looks like?”

It was like the worst excuse in the book but it was the only one that came to mind, the words causing the executive to chuckle under his breath in a dark manner. “Asa-chan. Do you know what you just did?”

He said her name like a threat, like a lethal warning for the dishonest lie that she had blatantly told him. And to most, the shift would’ve been frightening. Not to Asa though.

In fact, she chose to ignore it. “You have no proof and I’ll never admit to anything.”

Going to cross her arms in a huff, Asa then paused as Dazai’s hand latched around her wrist, pulling her closer in order for his un bandaged eye to focus in on her like some kind of prey. “Careful, love. You’re talking to the number one torturer in the mafia. Trust me, I can make anyone talk, especially you.”

She should’ve backed away then, admitted defeat. But unfortunately, drunk Asagao was far more bold, tempting the devil without a care in the world. “Oh yeah? Well then, let’s see it, Mr. Scary Executive.”

And from the slight gleam in his eye, it was obvious that he hoped for that answer, Dazai’s lips curving upwards in a dark and twisted manner before sealing her fate. “Alright, you asked for it.”

Pulling her hand forward in an instant, Asagao’s eyes then widened at her uneven balance before Samu shifted his body away in order for her to fall onto the tatami mats beneath them with a groan.

Then before she could process it, her body was flipped, back smacking against the floor in order for Osamu to appear above her, his fingers moving down to..

Wait.

All at once, Asagao’s eyes widened in response as she felt Samu’s hands lightly brush against her sides, tickling the poor girl as her lips cried open with a sharp laugh of surprise. “A-Ah, wait Samu..hold on..ha ha ha…wait a second..!”

Dazai did not wait though, confined to his torture as he watched the girl wiggle around like a worm beneath him, a sadistic smile plastered on his face. “Ah ah ah, love. First you gotta admit that you cheated. Say it and I’ll stop.”

Doing her best to push her lips together to stop her squeaks of giggles, Asagao lifted her hands up his order to try to unlatch them from her side.

She couldn’t breathe she was laughing so hard, this truly was torture. “N-Never! You can’t...make me..!!”

Turning his head in a vicious challenge, the executive gleamed, his hands traveling upwards with his words. “Now don’t say that, Asa-chan. That brings out a bad part of me, makes me wanna do just that.”

Asa’s body then suddenly constricted against itself as she felt his long slender fingers stop at her armpits, her hands racing to the stop him before Dazai’s free arm caged her down so that she couldn’t reach.

Suddenly, this new spot was worse than before, the air in her lungs unable to function through her high pitched howls of painful joy. “No..not there…I can’t breathe…please..!”

Dazai hummed in response, loving the pretty little tears that pricked by her eyes. “As much as I love to hear you beg, that’s not what I’m looking for, love. Come on, you can say it. Tell me you cheated.”

As if to seal the deal, the boy's hand then traveled down again, shifting from her sides to her ribcage in order for her to wiggle and whine even more in his hold.

And he knew, he knew this was going to be game over.

Feeling black spots seep into the corner of her vision from the lack of oxygen to her lungs, Asa’s loud giggles tore through her own words, knowing that she’d die by laughter at his rate. “O-Okay okay okay..I admit it….I cheated..I cheated to win…I’m a cheater cheater pumpkin eater cheater..!”

Almost instantly, the hands disappeared, leaving her gasping for air as Dazai leaned back, a shit eating grin clear across her lips. “Now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Told you I'd make you talk.”

Blinking away the tears in her eyes, Asa pushed a hand to her chest before falling back onto the ground with absolute exhaustion. When he said he was the best torturer in the mafia he really wasn’t kidding. That was brutal.

She then pouted her lips before whining back. “You’re evil, Samu.”

Her insult had little meaning behind it, causing Dazai’s eyes to soften in order to carefully catch a falling tear from her eye. “Always have been, love. Thought you would’ve realized that by now, considering we’ve been together for over a year.”

The words hung in the air unspoken, and even in his drunken state, Dazai still couldn't understand why someone as good as her had chosen to hang around him so often. Yes, he was the last piece of her brother that she had, but Dazai thought for sure that Asa would’ve run away by now.

That’s what everyone else did after all, they ran away when they got a glimpse of his fucked up soul. His suicidal dreams, his port mafia instincts they were hard for anyone to swallow and he always thought that even a fragile promise like theirs was subject to change.

But it hadn’t. In fact, their agreement had only grown stronger and it seemed like Asagao had stepped forward rather than back. Even now with pretty tears in her eyes, the girl wasn’t shaken by his method of torment.

It was overwhelming and still impossibly hard to believe in every perceivable way.

Flushing in embarrassment for her tears, Asa hummed. “I have, I just don’t mind.”

At that, Dazai closed his eyes with a sigh. Of course she would say that. That was such an Asagao thing to reply with. He should’ve guessed that she had already figured out his monstrous traits in order to bluntly ignore them.

It was her entire ideology after all, to look past the bad in order to search for the good. To acknowledge but never linger on the evil in order to believe in the hopeless delusion of something better, something pure.

Idiot, she was just as stupid as she was a year ago. Nothing had changed from when she had called him a good man. And though he knew her mindset wasn’t true, it still brought a wave of vulnerability to his stomach whenever he thought about it.

No one else but her could think of such a crazy thing after all. No one else would give him a chance like she did, like she continued to do. Because of that, even Dazai wanted to believe her foolish delusions for truth.

Someone had to balance his negative view, and he was glad it was her.

Snapping out of his liquor-filled thoughts, Dazai then watched Asa’s lips open with a loud yawn, her eyes fluttering closed as he teased softly in her direction. “Aww, is my princess getting sleepy? Did I tire her out just now?”

And to be honest, yeah he had. In fact, Asagao’s muscles felt like lead after his tickle torture, like all the energy had been sucked out of her at once. “Mmm a little. I’ll just sleep here.”

Curving into herself like a cat, Dazai then shook his head in disapproval. “That’s no good, Asa-chan, You know princesses shouldn't sleep on the floor like that.”

Asa only groaned though, curling further into a ball before sleepily answering back with a mumble of child-ish protest. “Don't’ wanna...too far...legs are jelly..”

The way she spoke sounded like a bratty little toddler, the sound causing Dazai’s head to turn with amusement before leaning down towards her in question. “You want me to roll you over there, then? Or drag you by your ankles?”

He meant it as a joke. Well, half of a joke, really, the boy expecting her to swat his hand away to grumble something else adorable under her breath.

So he was certainly surprised when she shifted her head to meet him, her hand waving back and forth with a groggy response. “That’s fine..I trust you..”

Trust? She had to be kidding. No one had ever trusted him before, and for good reason. He was probably the least trustworthy kid on the planet, only giving out fragile promises and bold faced lies most of the time.

She should’ve known better than giving out her trust to a demon like that, and in his drunken state Dazai wanted her to know that. He wanted her to take it back before he either knowingly or unknowingly took advantage of her.

So much so, the boy then hummed to himself before standing up completely, reaching down in order to do exactly as he said, grabbing her ankles in order to hoist her lower body upwards like some kind of makeshift human wheelbarrow. “Okayyyy, if you say so! Let’s go, Asa-chan!”

Then Dazai began to drag the poor girl across the tatami mats, the shorts underneath her skirt lifting up just slightly from the angle he was at. Dazai didn’t pay any mind though, too lost in giving her his own type of punishment for her stupid words of faith.

Laughing to himself, he then lugged the seemingly dead body around the apartment, purposely taking the longest route possible as Asa had no choice but to be manhandled along with him.

Now that he thought about it, Dazai had done something similar before to Chuuya as well when he had passed out after a mission. Oh, how his face was so red and entertaining the moment he found out about his unconscious journey that he had taken back to the port mafia.

And that’s what he wanted from her as well. He wanted her to get angry, to shake him off, to take back her foolish moment of trust. He wanted to show her firsthand the kind of messed up and cruel things he was capable of so that she would never utter that dangerous word to him ever again.

Finally reaching Odasaku’s bedroom, Dazai then kicked open the door with his foot before finally dropping Asa’s body onto the floor by the foot of the bed. That should do it. “Anddd we’ve arrived at our destination!”

Turning back to face her, the boy then paused as he watched as her eyes were closed, almost like she had been lulled to sleep by being a human mop. Huh, he thought she’d at least grumble a bit for his decision. “Love?”

Asa only hummed though, her eyes fluttering open just barely before her body curved back into itself with a mutter. “Mmm thanks..just leave me here..it’s close enough..I’ve slept here before so I’m used to it..”

At that, Dazai’s brow turned down in confusion. He recalled her also sleeping on the floor in his apartment almost a year ago when she was drunk just like this, but he didn’t know it had become a habit. “Why?”

Asagao was silent for a moment, almost like she was debating the words to say out loud before her gaze traveled to the empty mattress above her. “Feels like I don’t deserve it sometimes. Like I don’t have the right to sleep where he was..like I’m intruding..ya know?”

In her drunken haze, Asa then sighed, forcing a heavy pit down into her stomach in order not to think about it. Her brother had slept in between those sheets so many times that when she laid them across herself they felt wrong and out of place.

Someday’s were better than others though. Sometimes she could brush away the feeling, shove it down and pretend it was just like any other bed but sometimes she found it impossible to ignore. Mostly when she had alcohol it seemed to resurface, that uncomfortable sensation of forcing herself into a place where she didn’t deserve to occupy.

She never even got the chance to ask him if living in his place was okay, if sleeping in his bed didn’t bother him. And because of that, in a way, Asa felt like a criminal, stealing something she didn’t even know she was supposed to have or not.

She’d never be able to ask him about it either, leaving her in a limbo of uncertainty forever.

That’s why on some nights, sleeping on the cold hard floor was better. It grounded her, made her remember her place in all of this. She needed to be humbled, to remember that Oda’s things were not her own, and they would never be.

Realizing she was getting stuck in her own mind, Asagao then forced herself back before a tight lipped smile worked its way onto her lips. “S’okay Samu..I’m used to it…when I was a kid I’d sleep like this too…didn’t even know what a bed was…”

In fact, the day she woke up at the hospital after her brother rescued her was the first time she had been given such a luxury. That was another reason she favored the floor also though, it reminded her of a simpler time, of a time when her brother was still next to her and not out of reach.

Dazai only stood there silent though, his mind running a million miles per minute to work against the alcohol in his system. He knew that Asagao didn’t feel worthy enough to call her own brother by his first name but this went far beyond what he had perceived before.

Because it wasn’t just about a last name, it was everything to do with him. This house, this bed, she felt like she didn’t deserve any of it. She was punishing herself, harming herself by taking things away, giving herself lessons, just to make sure she didn’t get too comfortable in her brother's old life.

It was really sad to think about, how she came back to this place everyday feeling inferior, like she was breaking and entering even though she had the key.

And Dazai could relate to that as well, knowing that every time he stepped into his apartment it felt wrong, like something was missing, like he shouldn’t be there without Odasaku’s permission.

He couldn’t even imagine how she felt, to be trapped in these walls with no sliver of the man that once occupied it. How awful it must have felt, to sleep in a stranger's bed every single night, so impossibly close and yet so far from where Oda used to be.

Pushing his hands together into a fist, Dazai’s throat felt funny, like he had just gone weeks without water. Because although he could understand where she was coming from by rejecting the bed, he also hated it more than anything.

Not for himself, but for Odasaku.

How worried and guilty would he have felt to know such a thing? To see his precious little sister chose the floor rather than a comfortable night's sleep simply because she felt as if she didn’t deserve it.

That man definitely loved her more than anything, and he would’ve been so heartbroken to realize what he had unknowingly caused. His friend just wanted to save her and yet in doing so he had broken her in a way that could no longer be mended.

After all, no one but Oda could make her feel better, no one but him could tell her that living in his house and sleeping in his bed was okay. She would never believe it unless it came from him, the poison couldn't be cleared without his voice and now he was dead, taking that antidote with him forever.

The only thing she had left was a sad suicidal boy like Dazai to pick up the pieces, and that was something the boy knew he was absolutely terrible with. He wasn’t Odasaku, he couldn’t be as kind or understanding.

He debated leaving her there, giving up completely as her eyes fluttered back closed. What could he possibly do, after all? He was just a kid, a stupid, fucked up kid. He didn’t know how to ease her pain. Hell, he didn’t know how to ease his own pain.

But something about her figure below him made him pause, his gaze softening as she curved her knees to her chest in a pathetic position by the foot of Oda’s bed. She didn’t seem bothered by her choice but Dazai was.

Odasaku’s hands couldn’t reach her now, the only ones that could were Dazai’s scarred, imperfect and bandaged ones. But even so, he reached them forwards regardless.

Leaning down to meet her, Samu’s fingers then brushed a strand of messy hair from her eyes before sucking in a strained breath. He needed to make Odasaku proud, he needed to try, even if it ended in failure.

Then with shaky uncertain hands, the boy carefully gathered up Asa in his arms, her body turning to lean into his chest as Samu’s shoulder’s immediately tensed from the close contact.

He couldn’t even hold her hand for fear of intimacy, so this was way out of his comfort zone. Asa seemed to realize it as well, her eyes flopping open with confusion. “Samu..you don’t have to..”

Dazai could hardly hear her though, his ears ringing through his entire body far too loud as he carefully cradled her closer, praying that she couldn’t hear his pounding heart. “Like I said before, princesses don’t sleep on the floor.”

This was completely different from the way he had handled her before. When he grabbed her ankles and dragged her around the house, when he slung her over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes last year in his apartment, this was far scarier than any of that put together.

Because right now, he had never held someone or something so light before, so gentle and apprehensively. Like it was the most precious thing in the world, like it was the rarest treasure of all. No, Osamu was terrified to put any more pressure than this, scared of breaking her completely with his poisonous veins.

Lifting back up to his feet, Dazai then shifted his body over to the bed before throwing open the top blanket in order to carefully place Asagao onto the mattress, her body practically melting into the surface like a warm hug.

The boy then reached for the black colored sheet before pulling it over her bloodied dress and quickly turning around in order for his entire body to heat up with clear anxiety.

He couldn’t handle much more of this, he needed to leave before she realized just how frazzled he really was.

Yet as soon as he stepped away, Samu felt a hand latch onto his wrist, her voice pleading and soft. “Samu..wait..stay with me..at least until I fall asleep..maybe it won’t feel as weird if you’re here..”

It still sounded like she was half asleep, the slur of her speech evident through the pauses in her sentence. But the only thing he could focus on was the meaning.

He had never stayed in the same bed as her before. Yes, he slept over more often than not but Dazai would always take a sofa and sometimes the floor if he was too lazy for the former.

It didn’t feel right, so instead, the boy teased her about it, his flushed intoxicated rosy cheeks leaning forward with a hum. “Asa-chan’s so clingy tonight. Told you that you couldn’t get enough of me, hmm?”

Going to pull back once more, Dazai then tried to right himself only for Asagao’s fingers to shift from his bandaged wrist to the white cuff of his long sleeve shirt, pulling on the end with a whisper. “Please.”

And try as he may, drunk Dazai’s resolve was not as strong as sober Dazai’s, the boy freezing with disbelief as her long fluffy eyelashes battered towards him in pure desperation for his presence.

That look, it was so dangerous, it was everything he had ever wanted from her. She needed him, desired him next to her like it was the only thing that mattered to her. She was dependent, viewing him like he was the entire universe, like she’d crumble without him.

How could he possibly resist such a look? How could he walk away from the utter plead in her voice? He couldn’t. He was far too selfish to ever walk away from something so tempting.

It was wrong, it was so very wrong to feed into it and yet Osamu couldn’t help himself, his body instinctively moving to the empty spot on the end before robotically sliding next to her, his head resting on the wall behind him.

His body was stiff, reminding him that the choice he had made was the wrong one and yet his muscles refused to move even so. Why anyone would want to fall asleep with a demon next to them was beyond him, but this was Asagao he was talking about.

This was such new territory for him also, lying next to someone, in their bed. Usually once Dazai got finished with a woman he just left. There was no aftercare or cuddling, or close contact. He never lingered, and he certainly never relaxed.

That would’ve been foolish to do anyways, trusting a total stranger so easily. No, they were probably all just waiting to backstab and kill him the minute he closed his eyes. That’s what the mafioso would’ve done to everyone else after all. It was only natural they would think the same.

So instinctually, he couldn’t relax, the boy’s muscles locked and on edge more so than ever. It’s what he had been trained to do, what had been conditioned into his mind.

Yet that’s when he felt Asagao’s grip on his sleeve loosen, the tips of her fingers traveling back to his wrist silently as he watched with anxious breath.

Careful not to touch the skin, the girl then turned the gauze around so that his wrist was facing upwards in order to trace a line down the middle with her pointer finger as Dazai watched the line.

She did that before at the cafe also, he always wondered what it meant. So this time, he asked her. “What are you doing?”

Humming in response, Asa spoke carefully, her eyes still trained to the moments of her finger. “Tracing the veins, finding the life in them....”

Dazai couldn’t help but pause at that. “Why?”

It seemed like a foolish thing to do. What was so good about life, especially his life to want to catalog the blood in his veins? Surely nothing.

Yet Asa only smiled, the feathery feeling of her touch on his bandages causing the scarred and unseen skin underneath to prickle with goosebumps. “Because I want to remember it, I want to remember this. Everyday I get to trace them, it means that you’re alive, and I don’t want to take that for granted.”

The rest of her words hung in the air, unsaid and yet completely understandable. She didn’t want to take Osamu’s life for granted like she took brother’s. She didn’t want to regret a single second before he inevitably disappeared from this world by his own volition.

And Dazai could understand that well, knowing that he as well took Odasaku’s moments of life for granted. Every conversation, every word, he wished for him back, to have cataloged them to photographic memory just like she was doing right now.

Still though, he didn’t deserve to have this kind of special treatment, Nothing about him was worth remembering, not like Odasaku was. Would Asa truly recall back to this feeling when he was gone? He couldn’t understand why.

Asagao seemed to read his mind though, her hand falling away from his wrist before she flipped her own up to him in order to lightly grasp the covered gauze and place his hand on her bare skin. “Here, try it.”

And he wanted to, he wanted to follow suit, the boy’s finger nervously traveling down her untouched skin in order to follow the purplish blue veins that resisted there.

She was right, he could feel it, the blood that lied underneath the surface, the living spark as he followed it to the end.

The truth was unmistakable. She was here. Asagao was here, she was alive. She wasn’t a fabrication of his mind or a fleeting memory of grief, she was right here beside him, supporting him, believing in him even when he couldn’t do that same for himself.

Once he reached the end of her wrist, Asa spoke. “Reassuring, right?”

And it was. He didn’t know how it was but it just..was. The skin to skin contact, it grounded him like a steak in the ground, anchoring him to reality without a second thought.

He was glad she was alive, that he could feel the veins functioning behind her skin. Was that how Asa felt about him also, was that why she did it so often? No, it couldn’t be. The knowledge of his life wasn’t as important as hers.

Then all at once, he felt his rigid shoulders start to cave in on themselves, allowing his mind to get lost in the motion of his fingers on her wrist over and over again. The motion, it lulled him into comfort before he could even realize it.

Muttering back quietly, Osamu's hand then fell still. “Yeah..”

He became silent then as Asagao fell into the new air easily. She was still really sleepy but the last thing she wanted was for Osu to be uncomfortable next to her. At least now he seemed a little more at ease. That was good.

Sinking further into the sheets to nuzzle under the covers, Dazai finally pulled away a second later before resting his head back onto the wall behind him wordlessly.

He was quite a distance away from her, the girl laying fully down while he sat up against the pillows but Asa didn't mind one bit. He was still closer than he had ever been before, and from this gap she could still hear the gentle intake of breath, of life even so.

Having him stay with her was an impulse decision but Asa was glad she asked because right now that uncomfortable undeserving feeling of being in Oda’s bed was nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps it was because Dazai was always more deserving of such a place anyways. He did know him better, after all. If anyone deserved this spot, deserved to feel comfortable in her brother’s old things then it was him.

Shifting her head to the side, a piece of her auburn hair got in the way, Asa immediately pushing the strand away before her mind couldn’t help but recall the gentle way Samu kissed a similar piece just hours ago, how his lips had traveled to the area without a second thought.

And that brought her back to the events of tonight, of the kiss that the traitor had forced upon her unexpectedly. It wasn’t like she was bothered by it, per say, but the differences between the two interactions did leave her with many lingering questions.

Questions that although tipsy Asagao would’ve been horrified to ask, drunk Asagao had no problem doing so. If anyone would know the answer, it would be Samu anyways. “Hey Samu, you said you’re experienced with women, right? Like with..touching and stuff..?”

She then watched Osamu’s eyes flicker with surprise before a cocky smirk slid onto his face, turning to her completely. “That I am, love. I’m the best there is. Why, you want some pointers?”

Asa completely ignored his comment though, her mind to focus on her own thoughts and too busy to process his meaningless flirting. “So that means you’ve..you know..kissed someone before too?”

Laughing under his breath at her innocent phrasing, Dazai pushed his finger to brush it across his bottom lip in a tease. “Obviously, love. I’ve had millions of kisses before. Makes all the ladies so crazy. Why you askin?”

The last part of his sentence came out slurred as Asagao then mimicked his motions, feeling her lips brush over the pads of her fingers with a mutter. “I guess..I just wanted to know what it’s supposed to be like.”

And that didn’t help with his tease, the boy gasping loudly in drunken surprise before reaching forward in order to squish her cheeks together like a fish out of water. “Awwww you’re so cute, Asa-chan wants to know how to smoochy smooch!”

He was making fun of her, it was obvious and although intoxicated, Asa could sense it as well, her hand pulling him away with a frown. “Well, I only ask because when that traitor guy kissed me I didn’t really see the big deal. Honestly it wasn’t a pleasant experience and kind of overrated to what I’ve read about. So I was just wondering if it’s all like that or not.”

It was something that she had stewed about silently over and over again. The books that she had read and the movies she’d seen framed kissing as this magical experience but her time with that port mafia traitor was anything but that.

And being as inexperienced and naive as she was, Asa wasn’t sure that was always the case, that the media had somehow over exaggerated such a thing this entire time.

At first she thought that the gross and rather unimpressive kiss she had tonight was normal but the second Samu touched his lips to the ends of her hair something felt completely different.

Perhaps it was because she was tipsy back then, but Asa wasn’t completely sure that was the case either. Osu hadn’t touched her lips like that traitor guy and but the sensation of his proximity was far more racing and mind numbing than if he had.

Was it a fluke? Was it only the alcohol that made his kiss more nerve wrecking and strange, or was it something more? She was hoping he could shed some light on the subject since she didn’t know.

Because Samu was experienced with women, he kissed them and slept with them no problem. If anyone knew how she was supposed to feel then it would be him. She didn’t think she could fall asleep without finally getting an answer anyways.

Dazai only narrowed his eyes though, taking in her broken logic before pushing his lips together in a quiet hum of interest. “Hmm. Well, how about this? I have a great idea..”

Yet that’s when the boy shifted his body towards her, his left arm reaching down across in order to place it on the mattress and cage her in so that he was leaning over her sensually.

Reaching his hand down, she then felt his slender thumb brush her bottom lip in a haze. “Why don’t we kiss and you can find out?”

And Dazai meant it was a joke, he put her in this position purposely so that she would flush and push him away with embarrassment. That was what was supposed to happen.

She was asking such dangerous things after all, playing with the topic while he sat beside her, knowing fully well that he could’ve taken advantage of her if he so choosed.

Yet that’s when the girl simply looked up at him before speaking plain. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

Blinking in disbelief for her casual response, Dazai stood frozen, his finger stilling against her lips before immediately pulling back like she was on fire in order to scramble away from the conversation as fast as possible.

Dazai may have been drunk, but he wasn’t that drunk. In fact, her consent only made him wake up, crashing straight into sobriety without permission. Just what the hell kind of response was that?!

No, he needed to leave. He couldn’t talk about this, especially with her.

Pushing his feet to stand on shaky legs, Dazai then left the room immediately, the action causing Asa’s body to sit up with pure confusion. What did she just say? Why was he going so suddenly? Oh no, she didn’t offend him, did she?

Asa then scrambled out of bed as well, sleep now far from her mind as she drunkenly stumbled out of the room to see him standing in the bathroom, his head dipped towards the sink.

Oh no, he looked really upset. “Samu, did you hear me? I said it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Dazai only clenched the sides of the sink even tighter though, feeling Asa’s watchful gaze before he sucked in a heavy breath in order to right himself and flick the middle of her forehead with a tight grin. “That was a joke, love.”

Reaching forward to rub the spot on her forehead, Samu then slipped past her, causing her head to turn in confusion.

It was a joke? But he brought up a good point, a way to prove her theory. “Really? But I think it could be a good idea. That way I’d know or not if it’s the same.”

And to be honest, the idea of kissing Samu wasn’t the worst one in the universe. She already knew where they stood relationship wise so it would be purely platonic and unmessy. Besides, if she was going to test this theory then she would’ve preferred it to be Osu.

Dazai didn’t seem to feel the same though, his steps freezing immediately before a dark laugh seeped from his lips. “First of all, it’s a horrible idea, and I can already tell you that it’s the same. Kissing is only about control, about making the other person weaker so you can take advantage of them. It’s a frivolous activity, a means to an end. That’s it.”

The boy believed that as well, knowing that his experiences with intimacy and sex were always about one thing and one thing only, control. It’s what the mafia had taught him, it’s what had been ingrained into his mind until it was second nature.

He never cared for the action, but it’s not like that mattered. His relations were always shallow at best, never for his frivolous pleasure but rather for a purpose.

Sex and the act of touch were the perfect interrogation tools after all.

They brought women to their knees, they brought pleads and begs to seep from their lips. The actions caused even the strongest willed people to fall victim to him, their own bodies betraying their promises of secrecy to get exactly what the demon prodigy wanted.

Now, that’s not saying that he didn’t make them feel good about it. No, he had plenty of whores and bitches crying tears of joy over his performances, but he never cared about the process, only the result.

No, he broke them in the sweetest way possible, in a way that brought them back on their hands and knees begging for more. But once they had served their use he threw them out, much of their heartbreaking dissatisfaction.

It didn’t matter how many times he kissed them, fucked then, touched them, he always made sure he was the one in control. Dazai alone was always in charge, never once did he allow himself to slip. He always seduced, but never fell victim to the disease.

Not once.

So the fact that Asa was asking him to do the same, to break her sweetly with his touch just like he had done a million times before, it was both extremely alluring and absolutely terrifying to think about.

The girl only nodded her head at his explanation though, taking everything at face value. She had nothing else to go on after all, and his words did fit the way she felt about that traitor's kiss. So he must have been right.

Putting a hand to her chin in thought, Asa replied. “Hmm interesting. That’s different from other things I’ve heard. Then again, it makes sense given my experience. I still want to test it out though, just to be sure.”

At her words, Dazai put his hand out towards the wall next to him for support before trying his best to brush off her comment. “Damn Asa-chan. Do you really wanna kiss me that badly? I didn’t know you felt that way, not that I can blame you.”

Asa fired back immediately though, breaking his resolve in a single instance. “Well I mean, yeah. If I was going to pick anyone to try it with, it would be you.”

She didn’t think he would be so resistant to the idea, given his past experiences with women. If anything, Samu loved to brag about the things he did with them, always asking her if she was jealous.

And she wasn’t of course, she couldn’t be. They were just faking dating after all. It wasn't up to her who he slept with or dated so his words and jabs didn’t ever bother her.

But for a self proclaimed playboy, Osamu’s entire body language didn’t seem eager right now. He didn’t look like a trained lover, pouncing on any piece of ass he could get his hands on.

No, he looked kind of…scared.

And that was the last thing she wanted, Asa immediately backtracking with a slurred stumble. “A-Ah, Unless you don’t wanna...I totally get that…I just thought that you’d be up for it since you kiss lots of other girls...and it’s not like I’m different from them so I just thought...”

She wasn’t different either, Asa knew that. They were friends but nowhere near lovers. He didn’t have any obligation to treat her special. Their deal only mentioned his stories and her letters about her brother. She already said they didn’t have to do the mushy stuff.

Him being her boyfriend and her being his girlfriend were just meaningless titles anyways. They didn’t hold any power, nor did they mean anything of weight.

Just then, that traitor's words flashed inside her head, making her face fall.

“What an ugly beast you turned out to be. No wonder why Dazai chose you, only a demon could love a face like that.”

Ah, right. That’s probably what it was. He probably didn’t wanna kiss her because of her unnatural face. That’s what that guy said. Not like she could blame him though. Of course Samu wouldn’t kiss a ugly beast like her.

Yet that’s when Dazai sharply turned towards her, his face full of conflict as he processed her words. And he wished things were that simple, that he could just say he wasn’t in the mood or whatever and leave it at that.

But you see, the problem was that was the biggest lie in the entire universe.

Because as fucked up as it was, he did want to kiss her. He wanted to give her exactly what she asked for and break her so incredibly slow that she would thank him for it later.

And he hated himself for it, for the idea snapping inside his head without permission. He wanted to take her kiss, ravage her lips and claim them for his own, he wanted her to be another notch in his belt of women that fell over him. He wanted it all.

It was a challenge, a sick and pleasing challenge that normally Dazai wouldn’t pass up. To figure her out, to make her cry out by his touch and fall victim to his charms. The sacrificial lamb was right in front of him, practically asking to be eaten and the demon wanted it more than anything.

That’s why he was so pissed when he found out that the traitor took her first kiss before him, claiming her before him. He didn’t understand it at the moment, his hand reaching for that gun without a second thought but right now it all made sense.

His selfish heart wanted her all to himself.

Feeling his voice strain, Dazai shook his head, willing such thoughts from his mind. “That’s not the problem, princess.”

Asa couldn’t help but pause at that, taking a step closer in confusion. Did he just say that he wanted to kiss her? But then what was holding him back? She had already given him permission, hadn’t she? “I don’t understand.”

Dazai only took one back though, not trusting his own actions as his un bandaged eye found the half full glass of whiskey still on the table a couple feet away.

Odasaku’s glass, the one they never cleaned up.

It was almost like the man himself was watching the scene, judging Dazai’s words.

That singular object, it mocked him in every single way, bringing a new realization to life without permission.

Wait, when was the last time he had referred to Asa as Odasaku’s little sister, when was the last time he connected those two things together?

Besides tonight, it had been months.

No, it couldn’t be. When Dazai first met the girl that’s all he could think about, not seeing her as a person but rather an extension of Odaskau himself. She wore his face and that was enough, not bothering to give her an identity other than that.

He admired only the traits that Odasaku shared, the things that made them related. No, a year ago Asa wasn’t a person to him, she was just a vessel to get what he so desperately craved, more time with his old best friend.

But somewhere along the way, things shifted, they changed in the worst way possible. Because now the things that he noticed and admired were different and so far removed from Odasaku himself.

Her eyes, the unique turquoise that her brother didn’t share, her ability to see through him and not ignore his suffering, they had nothing to do with his old friend. They were more than just symptoms of the blood in her veins. They were things that only Asagao could possess.

And in doing so, Dazai had unknowingly started to blur the reality and detached the title of Odasaku’s sister from her very being.

She wasn’t just Odasaku’s unnamed sister anymore. Now she was Asagao.

It was the worst thing he could have possibly done, because now he was looking at her like her own person, like she wasn’t the only person in the world he couldn’t have.

He had forgotten his place, drifted too far into dangerous territory. She wasn’t just some girl, she was the one thing that Odasaku treasured more than anything else. She was untouchable, especially to the demon like himself.

How foolish to have overlooked such a thing.

And that in itself made the boy crumble, a hand reaching up to run his finger through his hair with a bitter laugh. “When Odasaku mentioned me in those letters I’m pretty sure he didn’t do it so that I could kiss his little sister.”

At the sound of her brother’s name, Asa’s eyes widened. Oh, so that's what this was about. He was holding back because of her big brother. Now it all made sense.

Reaching a hand out, the girl softened. “Samu..”

Osamu only recoiled back though, still keeping his distance for safety. “Trust me, love. If he already didn’t want me near you, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have wanted this either.”

The boy knew it so clearly, how horrified his best friend would’ve been to hear the thoughts in his head, to know that the demon prodigy, the mafia’s best torturer had desired his little sister in such an awful manner.

Odaskau would have never forgiven him for such a thing.

And although it was probably futile, Dazai was trying, he was trying so hard to be a good man, to be the man that Asagao and Odasaku said he could be. Yes, he wanted those things but he was holding back, forcing himself to walk away from them so they didn’t destroy her.

But it seemed like Asa didn’t feel the same way, her lips turning to a bothered frown. “But you said that kissing didn’t mean anything, that it was not really that big of a deal, right? Then it’s fine. It’s not like you’re gonna hurt me. I already told you, I trust you.”

Not going to hurt her? How could she say that? Dazai hurt everything he touched, even himself. She couldn’t say that so confidently, especially with these evil thoughts inside his head right now. She needed to stop saying that word, the one that meant trust, the one that made him want to scream.

He couldn’t be trusted, he shouldn’t be.

Not thinking about his next words, the anxiety slipped past the barriers of his facade, his voice frantic and frazzled all at once due to the alcohol. “S-Stop that, stop saying that. You shouldn’t..”

Freezing immediately, Dazai forced his lips shut before taking a long suffocating breath. No, he needed to stay in control, to push past the liquid poison in his system and get his head on straight. Anything to make her understand.

Asa then watched the boy close his eyes for a millisecond before finally taking a step towards her, each move calculating and slow. “You got it all wrong, sweetheart. It is a big deal. Your brother would’ve thought it was a big deal.”

And he hoped that would be enough, that she would back off and let it be. But unfortunately Asagao was never that kind of person, she was never the one to ignore his suffering, even when he so desperately wished that could be the case.

Lifting her head up to meet him, Asa then uttered the most dangerous question of all. “Well, what do you wanna do?”

Suddenly, he was taken back to the events of tonight, when Chuuya had accused him of pursuing her just so she could be coaxed into the mafia. That slug didn’t know about their deal, about her connection to Odasaku so of course he had assumed that.

But just like before, Dazai answered the same. “It doesn't matter what I want, love. That’s not the point.”

That seemed to be the wrong response though, watching Asa’s hazy half lidded eyes sadden into something unreadable before her fingers reached out to touch his cheek.

The motion was soft, far too soft for his liking as Dazai’s entire body flinched for the skin to skin contact. Usually she only touched the spots that were covered, the bandaged gauze always creating a bridge from comfort to discomfort.

But not now. Now it was different.

It was almost like wanted him to feel her, to focus back on her rather than the self hatred that coated his entire head as she whispered lightly. “Yes it does, what you want should always matter. It matters to me.”

It shouldn’t have, it really shouldn’t have. If only she knew how dark it was underneath it all, if only she knew about that alluring pull he felt when she agreed to kiss him. How he wanted to do it, to bend her backwards and find out how to make her fall apart for his own pleasure.

It was disgusting, and Dazai hated himself for feeling that way, knowing that his desire to touch her wasn’t from a romantic or sweet intention. It was simply the allure of a game, of a puzzle that made him wish for it.

He didn’t process intimacy the same way others did. No, what he sought after was much more cruel and vicious. And from the look in her eyes right now it was obvious to tell she didn’t understand any of it.

So he tried to, he tried to hold together that fragile string inside his head, forcing the demon down with the alcohol until it disappeared completely. He had to, or else he’d truly soil Odasaku’s memory and spit on his grave.

Falling into the hand that held his cheek, Osamu stuttered back, that resolve he once had fading in an instant. “D-Don’t..I’m not a good man..I’m trying..I really am but I’m not yet…don’t give me that power..I’ll break you..”

Asa voice was immediate, desperate to hold him together. “You won’t.”

But the boy’s voice replied just as fast, sharp and serious. “I will.”

It was a simple fact. If she kept letting him do what he wanted, if she kept trusting him like this then he would break her. Not only that, he’d kill her with his own selfish heart, and that was something that could not happen.

Asagao was quiet then, seemingly taking in his answer before her thumb lightly brushed a line across his cheek, her movements mimicking the same motion as earlier in the night when he showed her his eye.

And though they were now covered again by gauze, she still saw through him even so. “If I wasn’t Oda’s sister would you still be saying that?”

That question, it was like a nail in the coffin for him, simply because he had his answer immediately. No, it wouldn’t have been the same. If she wasn’t related to Odaskau then there would’ve been no discussion.

He would have already kissed her, the second she casually agreed he would’ve pressed his lips onto hers without a second thought. And not only that, he would've already have chained her by his side in the mafia, he wouldn't have cared at all about her well being.

Because that was just the selfish kind of greedy man he was.

Chuuya was right, he was just a bastard that only thought for himself. The only thing that was even holding himself together right now was that mocking glass of liquor they had given Odasaku’s ghost just steps away on the table.

He hoped that she didn’t see it, the invisible chains that just barely bound him down.

But she did, of course she did. Asagao saw through everything, the look in his singular eye and trembling muscles between her fingers telling her all she needed to know.

He was suffering, Osamu was suffering right now with some much self loathing and hatred. It practically radiated off of him and even though the booze made it hard to focus on more than one thing, this was the only thing that mattered in her hazy little mind.

She didn’t need to think about anything else.

What had her brother done to him? Why was he holding back so adamantly? She didn’t want that for him, she didn’t want him to fall apart and crumble or think he was evil incarnate just because he would’ve kissed her if she was any other person.

They weren't in a relationship, he didn't need to worry about such things. About breaking her or destroying her big brother's last promise. He didn’t need to be terrified of making a mistake because there were no mistakes that could be made.

Stilling the movement of her thumb on his cheek, Asa then smiled softly, wanting him to see through his own darkness. “Hey, don’t think so hard about it. it’s just a test, alright? A one time thing. You aren’t soiling or shaming anything. I already said you could do it. You’d be helping me if you did, then I’d know if it’s the same or not.”

Didn’t he understand that by doing this he would be a good man, that he would be gently assisting her to figure out her own theories? He would help her be able to compare and contrast, to come up with a definite answer by her own volition.

But then again, if he truly was still scared of ruining her, of that kind of thing then she wasn’t going to push. The last thing she ever wanted to do was make him uncomfortable or feel worse about himself.

It didn’t matter if he had basically confessed to wanting to do it, she knew the barriers he faced were great. “I understand if it’s no though. But if it is,I want you to be the one to say it and not just because my big brother thought you should..”

She wanted him to voice it himself, to reject her with his own heart and not the one that her brother had left behind. Asagao didn’t want him to look at her and hate himself, to see the flaws and shortcomings that a good man didn’t have.

No, she wanted him to understand that Oda’s opinion wasn’t the only thing that mattered. That her brother shouldn’t be the one to control every thought and feeling inside his mind.

The only response she received was silence though, causing her hand to lower from his face with understanding.

Perhaps that was too hard to do also. Very well. Then she’d be the one to make the decision. “Okay. I’m sorry I pushed.”

Giving him a small smile of reassurance, Asa then turned around in order to go check on the hanging black jacket out on the balcony, her steps slightly stumbling with her loss of coordination.

Yet just as she left the room completely, Dazai heard her speak to herself, the tone muttered and sad. “Guess my first kiss really was a bust. Ah well.”

Sliding the door to the outside balcony behind her, the sixteen year old boy was left in silence, the feeling twisting around him all at once. She had given him what he wanted, dropping the topic completely and yet Dazai didn’t feel happy one bit.

Because that last comment, the sad tone of it only brought back what he had been trying to forget all night.

And that was that her being kissed was completely and utterly his fault.

He wasn’t smart enough, miscalculated that traitor's intentions and it caused her to lose the one thing she could never get back. It didn’t matter if kissing didn’t mean anything to him, she didn’t deserve to have her first one taken like that, so cruel and unfeeling.

No, Asa deserved better than that, she deserved the best. She was a good person, better than he could ever be and he had let her down so astronomically.

He failed to protect her when it counted and Dazai would never forgive himself for it.

What would Odaskau have said, how disappointed would he have been to have known that? Dazai was too scared to even think about it. His best friend had left his little sister in the boy's care and he fucked it up so badly.

So much so, he wanted to fix it, to go back in time and kill that bastard before he could even get his hands on her like that. But that was impossible, so what other option was there? There wasn’t one.

Although that’s when her words flashed through his head once more. She said that it was a bust but what if that wasn’t the case, what if he could cover up that unpleasant memory with something else, something new?

Dazai’s eyes then began to deepen with possibility, with a way to make his fucked up thoughts and feelings seem okay. It would be okay to kiss her if he was really helping her, right? If he had good intentions, that would be okay, right?

Odasaku would have understood then, wouldn’t he? That he did it to cover up her first bad experience, to make everything okay again, to fix his mistake.

One night of overindulgence, that wasn’t so bad, right?

Just for her sake.

It was a bullshit excuse, a ruse of what he really wanted but Dazai grasped at the straw even so. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew the plan wasn’t really for her, but that facade made everything so much so easier, so much more bearable.

It was a way to still supply his greedy desire, his sick selfish soul.

She returned a second later, the sliding glass door closing behind her as she approached with a sigh. “Sorry Samu, your jacket is almost dry but not yet. How about we deal out another round of cards while we wait? I’m not that sleepy anymore anyways.”

Yet the second she reached down to grab the nearby deck of cards, she heard Dazai’s voice, the air around it growing far more heavy than before. “How did he kiss you?”

Feeling herself freeze at the question, Asa immediately snapped her head up in confusion, completely caught off guard. “W-What?”

Suddenly, she was face to face with the boy, his distance only a few inches away from her as Asa’s breath hitched in reply. The way he was looking at her now, it was different, darker, more demanding of something.

But because of her lack of response, Dazai spoke again, his fingers latching onto her chin in order to control her movements and face him. “I asked a question, love. How did he kiss you?”

Why did he want to know that? What kind of benefit would that bring him? Asa wasn’t sure.

Yet even so, she gave him what he wanted, recalling the night through her drunken recollection. “O-Oh, uhh he took off my glasses and pushed my head against the prison wall.”

There was anger in his eyes then, that same dark pool of fury that she saw when he murdered the guy earlier in the night. Something about her words bothered him, enough for the demon to peek out behind the man.

Yet before she could speak on it, Dazai’s hands disappeared from her chin, moving in order for each one to rest firmly on her lower hips, his fingers digging into the turquoise fabric with some kind of need.

Pushing his body closer, Asa was forced to step backwards, her feet still shaky and uncoordinated as he guided her until she felt her body bump against a wall, caging her into place by invisible chains.

Humming to himself at her flustered reaction, he then tilted his head dangerously close. “Mm..like this?”

Asa could only nod back though, all the words dissipating between her lips before she had a chance to speak them. There was something about this position, this air that made it hard to breath and her heartbeat pound against her chest erratically.

Hold on, now she knew what he was doing. Samu was re-creating her first kiss, copying the way that the kid did it so she could truly see if it was the same or not. Wait, that meant he was going to kiss her, he was going to give her what she asked for. Was he sure?

One his hands then reached forward, grasping onto the ends of her glasses before pulling them off her face in order to slip them into his pocket, her eyes immediately glued to him the second her vision became un blurred.

Perhaps before she would’ve been scared but after his sweet reassurance tonight, Asa didn’t mind looking, seeing him fully. She still couldn’t do it for long periods of time but right now while they were so close, she couldn’t help but dive into the chestnut color and drown in it.

And looking at him now, the old layers were still prevalent but there was also a new one, almost like it had manifested in real time due to their distance. It appeared like a lightning strike, shocking her core immediately.

Desire.

He was looking at her with desire.

She was correct as well, Dazai feeling that overtaking emotion like a poison coursing through every single of his veins. Oh, the things he wanted to do to that pretty little face, the lines he so desperately wanted to cross just from the way she looked at him, it was immeasurable.

So filled with adoration and delusional trust, worshiping him as her center of the universe. It fed into every single toxic bone in his body, desperate to capture it forever.

What did he ever do to deserve such an expression, to have her view him in such an ethereal light? He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve anything she had offered him, and yet he still felt the need to hungrily take it even so.

Moving his hand up to press his fingers against her cheek, he then shifted the muscles in his palm, causing her head to lift in order to follow the command perfectly in an instant, submitting to his selfish request.

How beautiful she was, staring at him with those waiting and hollow eyes of hers. They did something to him each time, sucking him into the eagerness of his touch.

And though he didn’t want to lose such a thing, he knew that in order to recreate that bastard’s kiss, he had to sacrifice them for her benefit. “Close your eyes.”

She did so instantly, her long fluffy eyelashes falling to a close only for his lips to twist up in sick satisfaction. She followed so well for him, obeyed him so perfectly. He absolutely loved it, it was addicting in the worst possible way.

God, he could feel the thoughts in the back of his head, the ones that wanted to break her, shatter her beyond reconciliation and then build her back up to his own design.

He tried to ignore it until now but that was almost impossible after watching her perfect submission to his fingers.

Touch was about control after all, and Dazai was determined to make her see that. To have her realize the power it held so that she would never ask to do such a thing ever again. It’s what she asked for after all, it’s what she practically begged him for.

And he had no problem showing her that.

Bruising a silent thumb over her lips, he watched her breath hitch again, a slight tremble appearing across the surface to his satisfaction. There we go, that’s it. She was reacting just like he had expected her to, how every other woman did when he touched them.

Dazai then leaned closer to seal the deal only for his head to automatically freeze a couple inches away from her touch, Odasaku’s memory drumming in the mind of his head like a death sentence.

No, this was okay, just ignore it. Pretend she’s someone else, pretend she’s not Odasaku’s sister. She’s just some other whore, that’s it, she’s not his best friend’s sister. She wasn’t untouchable.

Yet the more he tried not to think about it, the more it did the opposite as flashes of Odasaku tormented him behind his eyes, of Ango telling him to stay away from her because he knew this would happen, that he’d break her when given the chance.

Asagao noticed his hesitation as well, the girl’s eyes opening in order to see that Osamu was ghostly pale, his hands unmoving from her side as they shook with conflict.

He looked to be on the verge of a panic attack, like he was screaming at himself in his own mind and she hated the sight.

So much so, she softened in reply, before carefully reaching forward in order to remove his hand from her skin, not wanting him to hurt so badly because of her. “Hey, it’s okay, Samu. We don’t have to do it. I promise.”

Pulling away from her spot on the wall, Asa then moved past him, causing Dazai’s eyes to follow her as she went. And there was something about the sight that made him spiral, the demon and his desire for her screaming at him to not let her go.

To devour her completely before she disappeared from his sight.

And with it, the fragile string of control in his mind suddenly snapped as Ango and Odasaku’s words of warning drowned out with the liquor in his system.

Reaching forward like a puppet controlling his movements, Dazai then latched onto her forearm roughly, pulling her body backwards and spinning it around in order to slip his arm around her waist and collide his greedy lips onto hers.

Asagao couldn't help but widen her eyes at the contact, the feeling of his lips on hers causing her head to spin and breath to dissipate in a single second in order to flutter her lashes closed with overwhelming shock.

He held her so tightly, so possessively, caging her into his body and not letting go in order to explore the sweet poison that had been injected into his veins.

And god, was it sweet, sweeter than anything he had ever tasted before.

Dazai didn’t know that could be possible, that someone’s lips could feel this good, his head tilting forward to deepen it immediately like a hungry fool who had been starved for a decade.

And with it came the most beautiful and tiny little noise seeping from her lips, the sound of enjoyment falling into his and bringing him into madness without a second thought.

And just like that, every single past experience, every plan he had before the contact fizzed out of his brain, unable to process anything but the addicting feeling of the gift of her touch.

Her lips, the way they moved across his, so soft, so tender and utterly breathtaking, the feeling of his skin on hers, it was nothing short of otherworldly. His cheeks, they felt like they were burning, his lungs ceasing of all oxygen as the arm around her waist tightened her even closer to him.

Before this started he fully had the intention to control her, to make her submit and whine under his touch but now that he had realized what this could actually be, Dazai’s plan somehow seemed to reverse.

What he had meant to control was now controlling him, and he didn’t even have the strength to fight it.

But how could that be? He was the seducer, he was made sure to be in charge every single time. But if that was the case, why did he instead feel utterly swept away by absolutely everything about her?

God, he was so pathetic. He wanted to worship her, to die between these lips and then never come back. Fuck, he’d even get on his knees and beg if it meant to have this feeling for the rest of his life.

Yet just as it appeared, it was ripped away, Asa’s head reeling back in out to gasp out a breath of air and place her shaky heads on his chest to steady herself.

And almost immediately, Dazai felt it also, his lungs ceasing with desperation as he forced the oxygen back to his lungs and willed the black spots in the corner of his vision to dissipate.

After that, there was only silence, neither of them speaking against the tense air before Dazai finally broke the seal, shoving down all remnants of what had occurred. “Told you, it’s the same.”

Asa replied a second later, her eyes still dazed and distant. “Yeah, you were right.”

Then before he could think about anything else, the bandaged boy quickly raced past her, grabbing his half wet jacket in order to fumble to the entrance and leave completely as Asa followed him up to the door.

Taking a shaky breath, both kids then simultaneously placed their fingers to their burning lips before sliding down on opposite sides of Odasaku’s door in order to cover their faces and think the same exact thing at the same exact time.

The same?

There was no way that was the same.

----

(Really proud of these two chapters. Show some love if you do also!)

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harukapologist · 5 months

Note

Something I noticed about Haruka's change in t2 is that he says he likes the way he is now and supposedly gained more confidence, but the rest of his answers in seasons 2's interrogation are still self deprecating. Saying how no one is like him cause "no one is likehim cause they are all great people, everything (about him) is wrong, etc.". My guess is what he gained wasn't confidence, it was his innocent vote and Muu's influence that temporarily rubbed off on him. Think about it: Muu's personality did a whole 180 when she was voted innocent. She went from being shy and timid to becoming a queen bee which is what her 'true personality' is. Haruka, while he learned to become more social, was still unsure of himself. He couldn't fathom why someone like him was forgiven (what he sings in akaa) but still takes it. But why?

Cause it's what Muu does. They were both given an inch and took a mile

It's pretty clear Haruka is heavily attached to Muu (he even says his current self only exists because of her), but I think Muu influenced him to think that forgiven = what he did wasn't wrong. Since it seems like it is also her own mindset. But before, Haruka knew what he did was wrong and felt remorse, while Muu always thought she was in the right cause (her words: It's your fault for doing horrible things to me)

Also, confident people do not form unhealthy attachments like this and threaten to kts for someone else. Haruka did not gain confidence, he gained temporary relief from someone else

And this isn't to say Muu is abusive or doesn't care about Haruka at all, but it's still so incredibly unnerving to influence someone that's already broken like this

Thank you so much for this. I've wanted to talk about this for a while, I feel like the fandom overlooks just how deeply Muu influenced (and probably continues to influence unless their codependency starts to break in T3) Haruka. Not that shes evil or abusive or anything of the sort, but unfortunately their attachment styles create the most awfully perfectly fitting puzzle piece

Haruka looks down on himself so much, he wants more than anything to be a "smart, strong and interesting person" in his own words. As a result he is constantly searching for someone to latch onto and mirror, trying to create a new identity for himself, because he just doesn't see any part of himself that is worth keeping (BPD Haruka headcanon comes in...) Haruka still believes he's wrong, that he's worthless, but he's desperately looking for any solace albeit temporary or fake. A confirmation bias I think?

Something that comes into mind when proving this point, is that when Muu talked about Kotoko's attacks in her 2nd VD, she mentioned that those who were attacked were "deemed bad people by the Guard" as in they were scary and cruel, but Es, who so kindly believed that Muu wasn't at fault by giving her an innocent verdict, had deemed those people at fault, so they kinda deserved it, in her view. When Haruka was asked about what he thought of Kotoko's attacks, he said something similar, but then we see him in Mikoto's 2022 birthday TL coming to check up on him, showing compassion, wanting to wish him a happy birthday, even though Mikoto was voted guilty in T1, he should be a bad person in Haruka's book as well, but I think that shows he doesn't really believe what Muu was saying, he just doesn't think of his opinions as worthy so he latches onto those of the people he looks up to, the authority figures (Muu, Es) (I could talk about this for a while...). Also, in the newest collab, one of Haruka's lines were "Mikoto-san is a good person" but I'm not sure exactly when in the canon timeline that takes place (as in, before or after T2) (I'M SORRY I JUST HAVE TO BRING UP 0109 SIBLINGS HERE THEIR DYNAMIC IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME)

I do think Muu feels guilt and is just as broken, just in different ways, and she copes with her own issues differently, but I won't go offtopic... but yes I completely agree with what youre trying to say here. That Haruka is largely under Muu's influence, and it's heartbreaking. I often think about how an innocent verdict in T1 without Muu's influence would've helped Haruka gain some actual confidence and maybe even start to develop some sense of identity and independence. When I see Haruka T2, when I listen to his VD, his MV, all I see is... not Haruka. As in, Haruka under someone else's influence, breaking even more. It's not either of their faults, again! But god is this codependency going to take a toll on him for a while.

Like, come on, you can't tell me the boy who gives the most birthday wishes, says that all the prisoners are good people unlike him, says he would forgive everyone but certainly not himself, is a confident, guilt-free person. I don't know if it's just me but even his smile in his T2 sprite feels so... forced...? My poor poor boy.

oops I rambled too much didn't I. but thank you for this ask I hope I'm making sense and I'm so so sorry I took so long to respond eee

#YAY AN ASK!!!!!!!!!#MY FOURTH I THINK? ASK EVER THANK YOU AAAAAAAA #Im so sleepy i wouldve talked more if i was in a better state of mind im sorry eee #but yesyesyesyes the haruka in t2 is absolutely not the true haruka #haruka already appears so detached from himself even in t1 if u think abt it... the EXTENT of how much he hates himself is heartbreaking #bpd haruka real #milgram #haruka sakurai #sakurai haruka #i hope im making sense i get scared of getting attacked when i talk abt muu LMAO #i am but a stressed high schooler

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deathc-re · 2 years

Text

october "♡ᵎ꒱ˀˀ

summary ;; a date in october with your new boyfriend tomura shigaraki

warnings - swearing & slight implications of sex at the beginning ;; 2.9k words !!

wrote this last year in october but i just got to see my man in the latest episode and thought why not share it here ! my writing style is so different from this now tho lmao

you woke up to the sound of a headboard hitting your wall. your neighbor had just gotten a new girlfriend and they obviously couldn't keep their hands off each other. you and your other neighbors had complained about the noise every so often because they did it at the most unconventional times but it never stopped, even though they promised to keep it down.

sucking your teeth you grabbed your phone off your nightstand. 10:14 am, October 23rd.

you loved fall, it was the season of crunchy leaves and slutty Halloween costumes. but also the season of scary movies and pumpkin-flavored everything. the cool air brought you a sort of inner peace that no other season could achieve.

you skimmed through your notifications and smiled at the one from your new boyfriend. though the relationship had just started you couldn't help but feel an intense pull to him. it also didn't help that he was just type. well, not entirely but he fit into a couple of stereotypes that you enjoyed.

sliding your hands down your face you got out of bed and head toward the bathroom. your apartment wasn't that big but it was big enough for you and the very occasional guest.

2 bed, 2 bath, living room with a lovely view of...the building across and a decent sized kitchen. it was close to all the places you needed and not too far from family. your friends lived walking distances away so that wasn't really a problem. well, it was a problem when the weather was being nasty but otherwise not a problem.

You did your morning routine and started your breakfast. you had opened the living room window the night before so there was a nice breeze coming in. staring as the coffee pot did its job you munched on some toast and thought about mindless things.

the thumping from next door had stopped by the time you finished breakfast and you were grateful because you were just about to get ready for your day.

tomura said he had planned a lovely day for the two of you and you were quite excited. it wasn't rare that he planned things for the both of you but you still enjoyed the suspense of what he had planned. it was always something different and you loved the playful glint in his eyes when he denied you the information of your destination.

turning on your speaker you shuffled through your playlist looking for something to get dressed to. you were in the mood for some Steve Lacy. typing the song name into the search bar you picked the song and set your phone down, swaying to the beat as you picked out an outfit.

you got dressed, fixed your hair, and made sure you had everything before walking out and locking the door. tomura had asked you to meet at the park by your house, which was about a 5-minute walk but you didn't mind.

the cool air in your lungs and the sound of your shoes hitting the concrete made you smile. a singular earpiece in you continued to listen to the r&b playlist [preferred music app] created for you.

getting to the gates that welcomed you into the park you searched for your man, only to see him sitting at a park bench; hands in his pockets staring up into the trees. no doubt admiring the browning leaves. he looked so peaceful, so beautiful. you would fight yourself if you didn't capture the moment. moving as discreetly as you could you took a picture of him and quickly made it your lock screen, it was something you were sure to cherish for as long as possible.

you noticed how long you must have been standing there staring at him when an older woman came and asked you if everything was all right. you sheepishly assured her that you weren't planning anything sinister and head over to sit next to him. plopping down and placing your hand on his thigh he glances at you before smiling and returning to looking at the leaves.

"good morning," he whispered, he still sounded tired and you couldn't help but chuckle.

"good morning! shall we get going or is this the plan for today?" you said, pushing him with your shoulder.

"no, no. we have plans I was just enjoying the scenery."

"I can tell."

taking a deep breath he got up and turned to you, offering a hand. you smiled and took it, letting him pull you up. intertwining your finger you and tomura set off for what you assumed to be your first destination.

the two of you walked hand in hand down the sidewalk, ignoring the rude faces and mumbles of passersby for 'taking up so much space'.

you had been to this side of town only rarely so you couldn't do your usual guessing as you made your way. you could tell you were getting closer though by how tomura excitedly swung your hands. he was an intimidating-looking man but he was adorable regardless.

he stopped you in front of a store with a half-burnt out neon sign at the front. you could see from the outside multicolored lights flashing and a fading colorful carpet. the sound of laughter and competitive teasing made you smile as you stepped in.

the arcade.

as much as shigaraki played the newest things he always talked about his love for older games. it reminded him of the good in his childhood. it brought him peace, kind of like fall for you but of course with deeper meaning.

"you know, im surprised you never brought me here before," you admitted while walking to the change machine.

" I've always wanted to take you, it just...never happened I guess." he chuckled airily.

tomura handed you your cup of coins and pulled you in the direction of your first game. the further back you went the older the games got. it was almost like a time capsule, seeing all these games. it reminded you of when you went to the arcade as a kid, racing around the store and yelling about who won with your friends. it brought back so many memories you almost didn't know what to do with yourself.

"...but yeah I think this would have to be my all-time favorite game!" shigaraki beamed showing off the slightly dusty game. yeah, you were totally lost but played it off like a pro.

"great choice! I didn't play it much as a kid but I think I'll be able to give you a run for your money." you pulled up your sleeves and chuckled at the excited smirk on your boyfriend's face.

you both played for a while, laughing and shoving each other like children without a care in the world. when you finally accepted your obvious defeat you quickly searched for another game that you knew you could beat him at.

when your eyes landed on the large structure with flashing lights and tacky music streaming out of it your face morphed into a wicked grin the could put the grinch to shame. pulling a confused and slightly worried man behind you, you marched over to the 'Dance Dance Revolution' machine.

nodding for the kids on it to scarm you hopped on and picked the hardest song you knew you could still win at. you could tell by the small smile on tomura's face that he already admitted defeat and you couldn't help but snicker.

just by looking at him, you could tell that he had little to no coordination and couldn't dance to save his life so you already had this in the bag. moving from arrow to arrow you won with a giggle and kissed him on the cheek to ease the pain of utter loss.

(I'm so dramatic lmfao)

you both went around playing games, smiling and laughing not paying attention to anything but each other and how much you enjoyed the company. you noticed tomura check his phone and audibly gasp.

"shit! we're gonna be late, c'mon!" he grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the arcade.

"but we didn't get to cash in our tickets!" you whined, still trailing behind him nonetheless.

you followed him down the road, hands in your pockets as you talked casually. you tried asking where you were off to in such a rush but of course, he evaded the question skillfully and led you somewhere mysterious as always. you finally had enough of the secrecy though when you got on the subway. you loved the fact that he was always surprising you but if where ever he was taking you was so far that you needed to take the subway you needed at least a vague idea of where the fuck he was taking you.

the possibility of him being a murderer and this just being his method was not high but still not zero.

"fine, fine," tomura sighed, grabbing hold of the railing "we're going to one of those haunted houses but the actually scary ones. like the ones you have to be 15 and older to enter." you raised a brow.

"whattttttt!" his whining made you giggle "I thought it would be fun! bonding and whatnot."

"going to a haunted house so scary that they have to put an age limit? totally sounds like a blast!" shigaraki rolled his eyes at your sarcastic remark and you just leaned into him, making him shake his head in amusement.

once you finally got to the building it was taking place in a woman in about 8 inches heals greeted you at the door.

"yo, welcome to the Mad Mansion. you sign your waivers over by the bloody fountain and get your flashlights over by the headless guy with a crowbar. good luck and make sure you use the bathroom before entering. thank you."

wait-

"now WHY in the ever-living fuck do we need to sign a whole ass waiver!?" now you were actually getting nervous, why did you need a waiver? it was just supposed to be jump scares...right?

tomura simply smiled at you, obviously trying to ease your nerves, and pulled you to the blood fountain. you read the waiver very carefully but still signed it. getting the required supplies the both of you made your way to the entrance.

you grabbed tomura's hand and interlocked your fingers, shaving your hands into your hoodie pocket. he squeeze your hand for reassurance and you walked in. it was dark and had a stuffy smell. the sound of water dripping and other people screaming was all you could hear until someone jumped out of a hole in the wall beside you.

yelling and grabbing hold of your shoulder, they shook their head violently. screaming and stumbling back into shigaraki you cocked your arm back and swung boom! the sound of fist cracking bone made the area silent. quickly realizing what you had done you rushed to make sure the person was ok though their hisses of pain made it clear they weren't. they tried laughing it off but when actual blood came gushing out of their nose they were quickly ushered out by one of their colleges.

you turned to shigaraki and in the dim lighting you could make out his bewildered face.

"I told you this wasn't a good idea." you felt bad, it was of course a natural reaction but that probably ruined your plans! what if they kicked you out? or worse?

"babe," you looked into his eyes while he pulled you guys off to the side. "everything is all right, ok? I'm bet they understand. this is a haunted house I'm sure this isn't the first time they got punched on the job." you tried to hold back a smile.

"there you are! now c'mon, let's get going. if you want I can walk in front, keep you from assaulting any more innocent people." he chuckled, stumbling back after you shoved him.

"innocent my ass! goin' around scaring people...the fuck is wrong with them!"

the rest of the time was spent with you screaming, bumping into tomura's back, running, dodging running men with chainsaws, and of course, swearing like there was no tomorrow.

once you finally got out the other end you sighed loudly in relief.

"i ain't never doing that shit again, you hear me?"

you enjoyed yourself but you were never gonna let him know that. while inside he promised to get you apology food and you weren't gonna miss out on a free meal.

walking out you waved at the woman in the heels and head back into the subway.

"what are you in the mood to eat?" tomura asked.

"hm... maybe some tacos?"

"oh oh oh! I know this great spot that sells the best birria tacos!"

"for real? bro I haven't had birria in so long!" just the thought made your mouth water.

•∆•

after eating and thoroughly thanking everyone that worked in the shop you and shigaraki left, large smiles on your faces. you made your way back to your apartment, deciding on taking the long route and going through the park.

the scene was gorgeous. falling brown and orange leaves, people walking their dogs, and jogging along the concert paths. teenagers laying in the patches of grass reading novels, having a picnic, and talking endlessly with friends. you and tomura walked hand in hand down the path, enjoying the comfortable silence that had fallen over the two of you. the feeling of content and ease flowed through your body and all you could do was let out a sigh.

when you finally arrived at your apartment the familiar smell of home made you smile. tomura walked in a quickly got settled. he took off his shoes, placed his jacket on the rack, and plopped on the couch.

"movie marathon?" he asked.

"um duh? lemme just get relaxed first cause I'm definitely gonna fall asleep." the both of you chuckled as you head into your room. removing your layers of clothes and putting them away you undressed and walked into the bathroom. adjusting the water temperature you stepped in a sighed at the hot/cold water hitting your back. today was wonderful, shigaraki really was an amazing boyfriend.

you hummed a sweet tone as you did your nightly routine. checking your phone as you head into your room you were shocked at the time. 5:57 pm. still pretty early.

damn I was in the shower for a minute tho!

when you looked up from your phone you were shown a view of tomura in nothing but a towel around his waist. water dripped from his hair and down his skinny but muscular arms. it was definitely a sight for sore eyes. he was rummaging through your closet, most probably looking for a change of clothes he'd left here.

"stop staring pervert. you were taking forever so I decided to shower too." his unbothered tone made the embarrassment even worse. you giggled nervously and said a quick apology before slipping into something comfortable.

a hoodie that surely wasn't yours and some random shorts were what you wore while making something to drink for the both of you. black coffee for tomura with an unhealthy amount of sugar and some plain ole tea for you. on nights like these it always made you feel as though you were in a book, living out your childhood fantasies.

cupping your tea in your hands you walked over to your window and stared out. looking past the building across and all those that followed and into the horizon, watching the sunset and the sky change into a beautiful mix of colors.

shigaraki came up behind you, placing his chin on your shoulder and a hand on your waist. you stayed there like that for a moment, enjoying the view and the feelings of having someone to spend these beautiful intimate moments together. you loved him, though it was still early you really did. you wanted to say it, to shout it at the rooftops but you stayed silent and sipped your tea. giggling while he places gentle kisses along your neck, reassuring you of all his feelings regardless of what he said, or of what he didn't.

when the sun finally disappeared and the sky morphed into deep shades of blue you both settled on the couch. mugs placed atop coasters on the coffee table while you pressed your back into his chest, tucking the blanket securely under your arms.

tomura kept his arm around you, glad that you were comfortable, and pressed play on the movie you guys decided. with the curtains closed and all the lights off the only light came from the tv. he looked down at you, watching to colors dance along your face, and admired the beauty that you held.

god, how he loved october.

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letsperaltiago · 1 year

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did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room? |jake x amy|

Some canon-compliant early relationship fluff (aka. one of my all time fave tropes) for you all :') And yes that hand-holding-article is real ahah. Prompt: "you can kiss me, you know." + "don’t mind me. just enjoying the view. " Words: 3.3k Rated: G

Leaving Shaw’s, she’d intended to stay away; the bar, the precinct, the mess, just everything, was to be left behind. Between depressing messages of hope, Yoghurt-mourning speeches, and then Jake’s… weird but also very sweet declaration of intentions on stage, it’d all been a tad too much for her. Primarily the latter. Jake. Gosh, if there was one thing she wanted more than anything it was to be with him. Easily and simply. Alas, the Vulture made it more than hard: impossible. How could she accept Jake be demoted for her? A girl he’d dated for 6 six days. Sure, there’d been almost two years of mutual, however staggered, idiotic pining which gave their new thing, relationship, whatever it was, some sort of emotional precedence, but still it seemed irrational and unnecessary that she’d have to cost him his dream job. No way. Not on her watch.

Which is exactly why she’d fled the scene. Not because of Jake telling her (and every other mourner in the bar) that six days together had been enough for him to know that they had something special, and that he wouldn’t give up on them because all he cared about was being with her. See that actually made her blush like a school girl, a flock of butterflies set free in her belly in the best and most horrible way at the same time, because that was probably when she really realized how serious Jake was about them… about her. It scared her. How did Jake Childman Peralta go from being her annoying colleague to suddenly showing, even publicly declaring (officially to his dead boss, that is) that he cared more about her than his own dream? It scared the hell out of her but in a good kind of way. Scary with Jake somehow felt good, and if it wasn’t for their dirtbag of a boss she’d been grabbing Jake’s hand and jumped off whatever cliff she and Jake were currently standing on.

Dead end. That’s what they were. She could see it in his eyes as he approached her with careful steps, catching her in the midst of packing her things. The hopelessness of the situation, their very own Gordian knot, sucked the courage out of his otherwise always bold and bright eyes as he confessed to being all out of plans and didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t a lot he got to say before Captain Holt had interrupted their despairing deliberation. Nevertheless, unmistakably and clear as day, it was all she needed to know and deep down already knew: Jake really cared about her and she about him… even more than she’d initially admitted to her still somewhat apprehensive self.

After getting their asses saved, quote Holt himself, Amy saw the light and liveliness instantly come back to Jake’s eyes, the darkest dreadful brown shadows of his irises driven away by gleeful hazelly highlights. Having previously felt as if she was the Greek titan Atlas carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, now knowing that nothing would stand in the way of them being together, the immense weight melted away in an instance. If Holt hadn’t been there and they weren’t in the middle of a buzzing precinct, she would’ve jumped into Jake’s arms and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. Relief rushed through her veins, her blood circulating in a surge that reminded her that this was what feeling alive truly felt like. It could in no world, past life or parallel universe be wrong to be with Jake if it made her feel like this.

It was safe to say that Holt had already had his fair share of drama and drinks that day. Thus, after giving the two a nod and discrete look of delight (which by Holt-standards was equal to a blinding smile), he bid them a rest of the evening and trotted off to get a cab home to Kevin and Cheddar.

Then there was two. Just the two of them.

Jake turned to look at her, offering her thoughtful eyes and an amused smirk which let her know he had something in mind. She didn’t care what. Not in the sense that she didn’t care about what he was thinking; in the sense that he could tell her anything, as lame, crazy, boring, weird or whatever it might be, and she would gladly listen.

“Bar?”

“Definitely,” she grinned back, forgetting how she had cursed that place just 30 minutes ago. Amused and damning her blood for so shamelessly running to and ehancing her cheeks everytime he as much as looked her way. Before she could reach for her bag, he’d beat her to it and held the black leather tote by its long handles. His arm and hand came to the perfect length, she thought eyeing how the bag hung just two inches above the ground.

“C’mon,” he uttered, playfully hitting her knee with her bag, then reaching out for her hand with his free one. The skin was soft, warm, perhaps even alien still but in way in which she couldn’t wait for it to feel familiar. His hand held hers, his palm facing downwards into hers, and this very specific article she’d once read in a women’s magazine about what different kinds of handholding meant popped into her mind. This kind of handhold, palm against palm, fingers wrapped around the other’s hand, was often a protective handhold where the person whose palm faced downward had the protective role. It was silly, she knew, but right then as he towed her with him into the now dark streets of Brooklyn, she liked the thought of it being true.

Consequently, the recent return of good news brought them back to scene they’d fled from just 30 minutes ago. The bar was still crowded, mostly occupied by half-drunk officers and higher ranked officials, and the doomsday atmosphere from earlier had disappeared along with Dozermanns framed picture and the mic - which was probably for the best, Amy thought as they made their way to the bar to place their orders.

“Beer?” he leaned against the bar.

“Beer,” she confirmed back, copying his pose and smiling at the sight of him carefully placing her bag on the stool next to him, keeping on hand on top of it meanwhile the other was used to signal two fingers.

“Two beers, Hank.”

Hank nodded in approval.

“I’ll just put my bag in the car, Jake. It’s annoying to have to look after it.”

His head snapped to look at her.

“It’s really no problem, Ames. Really.” He smiled softly and patted the soft, black leather.

“You’re cute.” Gosh, he really was. Especially standing there in his nice uniform, handsome features highlighted by the glow of the bar’s twinkle lights. It sometimes rushed over her like a tidal wave just how cute he was and, honestly, it made her head spin a little. “But I’ll put it in the car.”

She grabbed one of the straps, about to pull, however Jake was quicker grabbing the other. Suddenly stuck in a tug-of-war of sorts, each their own strap with the rest of the bag dangling in the middle. Their eyes locked in with the others. She cocked a dark eyebrow challenging his actions. Jake on his side didn’t speak up and simply kept looking at her, eyes shining with mischief, a certain warmth and dreamy enchantment she wasn’t quite used to handling yet. Thus they stood there, neither of them letting go nor saying anything, one second after the other passing by as the sound of clinking glasses, laughter, music, and popped bottles subdued. Somehow, to her, it was just the two of them at that moment.

“What are you doing?” she chuckled, never letting her eyes slip from his.

For a moment he said nothing, simply keeping his eyes entangled with hers, shining with something so strong it had her blush coming right back to her cheeks - or had it ever really left? How could a couple of brown eyes, a pair he’d known for so long and looked into a million times before, shake her to her core like they did now?

“Don’t mind me - just enjoying the view." He broke his silence. Distracted by the newfound charming smirk plastered on his face (the kind where it was mostly one corner doing the smiling while the other curled playfully) she failed to pay attention to anything else, and to her surprise, she suddenly felt a strong tug on the strap in her hand. Being taken off guard of course resulted in her body being roughly drawn across the space between the two, and she couldn’t tell if it was his plan. Whether or not it was, she, as a result of the sudden tug, felt her chest bump into his. If it hadn’t been for their reflexes telling their necks to yield back to avoid their heads bumping together, bleeding noses would definitely have been served. Instead, chins tugged bak from the yielding, they found themself inches from being nose tip to nose tip. His hands had instinctively flown to grab her hips to save her from tumbling further, and Amy could feel her breath hitch in her throat, taken back by the sudden move and the sudden proximity between them. It was when she was about to look at him and tell him off with a stupid, awkward joke that he noticed his lightly agape mouth and eyes drifting down to admire her lips. So close. They were so close, his always minty breath touching her face.

Her cheeks must’ve been fiery red by now. How had she ever gone so long without giving in to him when her body reacted so strongly to his presence?

She’d been pretty sure he didn’t do it consciously, however, still, she became even more aware of their very suddenly intimate position once his thumb slowly swept across her hipbone

Yup, now she was definitely blushing. Speechless too, which was silly because, during the little less than a week they’d been dating, he’d been doing his fair share of shameless flirting and touching. Yes, that had mostly been in the privacy of either of their apartments. Never out in public amongst their peers which perhaps must’ve had him panicking a bit on the inside. From the look in his eyes she could tell the very exact moment he realized that a flirtatious punchline had slid right off his tongue and into the open air of what could be considered a work event. They’d talked a lot, like a lot, about worries, conserving mixing pleasure and business, pro-fer-sonal, as Jake liked to call it. It was mostly her worrying: she didn’t wanna risk getting in trouble or sabotaging her life-plan with any missteps. Even though he loved teasing her about it, he also respected it, which was now obviously showing on his face. His previously so mischievous smile was replaced by a nervous biting of his lips, a wistful gaze transformed into nervousness, and she could tell he was recalculating everything in his mind at a million miles per hour - or at least trying to. He was without a doubt trying to figure out if he’d crossed a line, and, if so, how he’d undo it.

Any other day in the past she would’ve probably turned to the easy solution: playfully pushed him off and hit him with a tongue-in-cheek comment. Today felt different. After spending a week holding their breaths and walking on eggshells around the Vulture, questioning everything they felt and had now finally given in, it’d feel so wrong to play it off cool and collected, acting as if they weren’t together because… they were. They were finally together for real; it’s what they’d been fighting for so long. Both each had their own respective battles but also their collective battle against the Vulture which only proved that they’re the best team. In more than just the professional way now, and this she had to allow herself to give in to.

She heard hin swallow nervously, eyes switching between the ground, her eyes, and her lips. Around them, no one seemed to notice. The two of them. This was just the two of them, Amy reminded herself, and that was all that mattered.

“You can kiss me, you know?” Tumbled out of her before she could overthink and regret it, which must’ve taken both herself and Jake by surprise. His before fly-swallowing gaping lips shut like a mousetrap and finally, she felt his eyes focus on hers once more. No constant moving, nothing, just his eyes looking into hers. Thump, she heard, as he let her bag fall to the ground. Strong fingers dug into the flesh of her hips with newfound confidence and she could tell that he finally hit that “screw this”-realization as well. He leaned in, covering the tiny bit of remaining space between them, and even then, just her luck, she could see his lips curl back into a smile.

“Oh yeah,” he cocked his eyebrows. “Lucky me,” he whispered just so he could feel lips ghosting against her before he, finally, drew her in entirely and welcomed her lips with his. As if they hadn’t already done a good amount of kissing, they were sucked into a tiny bubble of their own where nothing nor no one mattered. Their lips danced perfectly in sync, shifting between drawing in and fighting for dominance, to a melody that couldn’t be heard but could instead be felt. In that very moment, upon raising herself to stand on the tip of her toes and slide her hands around his neck, Amy had never been happier. Even in a crowded bar of colleagues and superiors, she couldn’t care less what people thought. For so long she’d yearned to know what Jake Peralta what feel and taste like, and now she could finally explore it whenever she wanted. For how long they stood like that, her bag thrown to the ground, his hands on her waist, her hands stroking his neck, she had no idea. It was slow, sweet, caring, nothing urgent or inappropriate, everything she needed and wanted. Each kiss was its own little earthquake.

Sure, they did suffer some teasing, cat calling and whistling from their friends once they found them in a booth in the back corner of the bar. Knowing it was all with good intentions, they laughed it off, and for once, rather than it being Amy, it was Jake’s cheeks showing fifty shades of red. The evening proceeded as always, but better, Amy thought, as they played footsies under the table as Boyle told some absurd cuisine-related story. Two hours later she felt equally happy when leaving Rosa and Charles behind at the bar, not a single care in the world-like, as they made their way to her car parked in the precinct garage. They were joking, laughing at some lame joke he’d pulled out of thin air when suddenly he halted.

“Ames, your bag?”

“My bag?” she frowned at him when suddenly she realized that neither she nor he carried it. “Oh sh-”

“Hey, don’t worry! It’s probably still in the booth. Go ahead to the car and I’ll meet you there. Okay?” ” He smiled, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

Her eyes softened as she offered him a thankful smile back. How did she get so lucky?

“Thank you.”

All Amy could do was smile to herself as she watched him jog back to the bar. She even found herself standing there for a moment after he’d disappeared into the dark, wondering just how she ever lived a life without this version of Jake Peralta in her life. Once reached her car, leaning against the side of it to wait, she took out her phone and gave into the mindnumbing act of scrolling through whatever social media timeline was the hype then and there. That’s when a text notification at the top of her screen caught her eye.

Rosa Diaz: jake overheard a group of beat cops talking about you guys. he stomped out of the bar like an angry child lol

Amy frowned at the message. What was going on and where was Jake? She wasn’t left wondering for too long. The sound of steps came closer, fast, and she just barely managed to recognize Jake’s figure before he’d dropped her bag on the ground next to her and pulled her into a kiss. Not just any kiss. A deep, warm, pushed-up-against-the-side of-her car-kind of kiss that had her toes curled in her uniform shoes. He didn’t seem angry or any kind of mood to worry about, however, something had definitely added some kind of fuel to his fire. The garage was dead silent, only the increasing intensity and loudness of their breathing could be heard. Amy felt swept off her feet, caught in a perfect storm where his body was the hurricane and their lips battled in the eye of it. Hands on her waist, feeling and stroking it with care, nails and fingers caught in his brown locks. She smiled and she felt him smile back, even though the intensity and lust of the moment. Deep down he’d always be a big softie.

He pulled back a bit, breaking them apart, only to gaze into her eye with awe and admiration as if they hadn’t just spent the last couple of days being together. There was admiration, lust, and warmth, shining in them. Somehow the kiss had felt like a milestone, some sort of first kiss, in a way she couldn’t quite put a finger on.

“You okay?” she whispered smiling, bopping the tip of his nose with her own in comfort. “Rosa texted me saying you stomped off.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, but she could tell he felt embarrassed.

“Nothing.”

“That kiss wasn’t nothing, Peralta.” She teased with a grin.

“It was really good, huh? Our first kiss as a non-threatened and non-soon-to-be-extinct couple.” Two could play that game.

“Wow, so dark... and yes, it definitely was really good. Not gonna lie.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “But tell me what it was all about.”

“It was all about me being grossly obsessed with you.” He grinned and jabbed the sides of her waist, causing her to jump and giggle, caught in between his arms and the car.

“Jake,” she scolded softly, impossible to help it when her smile stayed stuck on her face.

He sighed, removing one hand from the side of her car to rub her forehead. “It was nothing, really. Just overheard some clowns talk about how bummed they were to find out that I’d … and I quote, “won you over by sheer luck”.”

Oh… so people had noticed them, huh? Expecting herself to panic, overthinking what people would say or think, Amy was surprised by how calm and rather amused she felt upon hearing what had happened. It was as if it didn’t matter anymore. They were together, after all.

“Oh, okay,” she nodded, not knowing what to say. Was he mad? Annoyed? Was she supposed to comment on it?

“So I…” he bit his lip, pausing to think, “I just wanted to get back to you and really appreciate the luck that got me here.” The smile on his face was back, all restrains and tension about the situation, which he knew was more than silly, melted away. “Like wow, I just had to get back to you and appreciate how I get to just… kiss you whenever and wherever? And get to have these fans slash beat cops cheering us on?”

He smirked proudly and all Amy could do was laugh. “You really are the lucky one, huh?”

“I am, Ames. I really am. Also, so sorry for just jumping you. Should’ve thought that through - Brooklyn after dark isn’t exactly a safe haven.”

“Don’t worry.” She smirked as she snaked her arms around his neck and pulled him into her, leaning her back against the car. Lips just far enough apart to not touch, she whispered “We’re both the lucky ones - that’s all that matters, Peralta.”

#not beta'ed sorry the mess:))))#peraltiago #fic #fanfic #jake and amy #jake x amy #brooklyn nine nine #brooklyn 99 #b99 #peralta #santiago #oneshot #fluff

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baconcolacan · 1 year

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What sort of relationship has the gang now? (Ew stay au) what does Tord think of them?

Okay it would take me wayyyyy too long to make new visuals to explain this au so I'll just write it down. Also keep in mind, this AU IS very self-indulgent so expect some ships I like:

The Stay AU is just a little thing I made for self-indulgence reasons. I wanted to explore the gang's relationships through a softer, albeit complicated, lens.

These designs I have for them are versions of them in their mid to late 20s. They did have a phase where they all wore their signature matching hoodies, but I place that timeline somewhere in their early twenties to late teens. In the Stay au, I'm focusing on them mostly in their late 20s onwards.

Brief summary of their history before my timeline: Edd was friends with Tord first, because during their first day of school he was the only other kid who was drawing by himself instead of outside during recess. Tom and Matt are childhood friends, their parents knew each other but they had a falling out, only later-hesitantly- reconciling when they all became friends with Edd and Tord. They all grow up together afterwards. Since you asked about Tord's point of view, here's his thoughts about his friends throughout the years until his 30s, keep in mind I'm not gonna be able to explain it thoroughly enough without it devolving into a 200k word fanfic: Edd - (childhood to late 20s) Arguably his best friend. He thinks the world of Edd since he approached him first and showed genuine interest in getting to know him. Edd's the first person he made friends with in England, which makes it special since the move had been so jarring for him. Growing up with Edd was pretty easy, despite him being snarky at times he always made sure to include Tord in everything he did, it was touching how much he cared. Tord had never met a person who was as excitable as Edd was, even if it often led to harrowing situations. Edd always seemed to want him to be part of his life for a very long time, it was the first time Tord had ever felt like someone cared and wanted him to be there. It pained him to leave when he did, out of everyone in the group, Edd was the one he couldn't look in the eye when he left. (30s) He had cut off contact with the group, but he still felt guilty the first few years when Edd would try to call or send him emails. He switched his phone number and abandoned his old email to make it easier. (mid 30s) Met him again but on the battlefield. It hurt him a lot to see him there after he tried everything to not get them involved. He never got to explain himself as a bomb, aimed for him, came screaming towards them. He thought Edd had died that day. (late 30s) Found out that Edd was alive, tried everything to reach him, even so far as visit England under pretense of a meeting with the PM. Found Edd after scouring London for a week, got into a fight with him, couldn't explain himself due to being overwhelmed. Edd said he hated him. It shattered him. Hasn't contacted him since. Tom - (childhood to late 20s) He wasn't sure about him when they first met, Tom got pretty attached to Edd when he first met him- mostly to make Matt jealous at the start, but then he started to genuinely like Edd and follow him around like a puppy- this caused Tord to get jealous and insecure, his kid brain thinking that Tom would take away his first friend in a scary new country, thus began what would become a lifetime of bickering and fighting. Tord admittedly feels a bit ashamed that he started their petty squabbling by essentially trying to bully Tom away from Edd. Of course, Tom fought back every step of the way, by the time they were teenagers they forgot why they started disliking each other in the first place, just seemed natural for them to be on opposing ends. Funky teenager stuff happened, and it ended up with them being on again off again lovers up until their early 20s. Then the incident happened, Tom was drunk and he decided to pick a fight with him, but this time he might have pushed too far, Tom managed to injure him with a broken bottle, causing the scar on his eyebrow. It was tense between them for a while, eventually they stopped fighting, sometimes even curling up together on the couch, but they never addressed what happened even when Tord was going to leave. (mid 30s) Met him on the battlefield. The bomb happened. He managed to save him but Tom still got injured in the process, costing his eyesight. Tord had been beside himself and wracked with guilt every time he looked at Tom's bandaged eyes. He broke down crying, apologizing for what happened. Tom didn't speak to him for a while, but later on slowly began to talk to him again. They restarted their relationship, this time "without the baggage" as per Tom's request.

(late 30s) His relationship with Tom is nice, cozy even, but he still feels guilt and shame even when Tom smiles at him and calls him "Elskede". He tries to make it work, but he doesn't know if he genuinely can, Tom wanted to try again "without the baggage" but Tord wanted nothing more than to finally address all of the ugly things they had done to each other. Though, hes scared of losing the only good thing he seems to have at this point. Matt - (childhood to late 20s) He's not as close to Matt than the other two are. When they were kids, Matt didn't seem to really want to be in his company, especially after he made up with Tom and Tord started antagonizing him throughout the years. Tord might have been a little scared of Matt, especially when he would glare at him every time he made Tom cry. He really didn't want to be around Matt for a while, he was a bit intimidating from their childhood to their early 20s. After the incident with Tom, Matt had been the one to approach him first, scolding him for the things he said, but relenting about how far Tom had taken it. Matt admitted he never really liked Tord, but was willing to set his feelings aside because it seemed like he finally got some sense knocked into him (pun intended). Unexpectedly, he would spend sleepless nights out in the backyard with Matt, and just...talk about the things that worry him and make him insecure. Matt is really good at self-love talk, and has helped him through darker moments. Matt had actually been the one to encourage him to leave, not because he didn't like him, but somehow Matt understood he couldn't grow into "himself" if he was just stuck there in London, it wasn't healthy for him to be stagnant, and Matt understood that. He was the only one whose eyes he could meet when he left, Matt had looked sad, but he smiled at him nonetheless. (mid 30s) Met him again but on the battlefield. The bomb hit. Matt had been the most mutilated out of all of them, but Tord managed to save him. Matt was in a coma for a while, leading Tord down a depressive spiral, worried that Matt would never come to. He spent almost every day visiting his ward, just to stand watch for a few hours and talk to him. (late 30s) Matt eventually woke up, but with complications, his memory became shoddy and mostly jumbled. He remembers things sometimes, but sometimes he doesn't. This became something of a heavy point of guilt for Tord, and he became extremely devastated when Matt forgot him. While true that he didn't become close with Matt in their early years, he treasured the moments he managed to have with him later on. Now he was back to being a stranger. It felt like he had lost Matt on that battlefield anyway.

#asks #ew Stay AU #long post #featuring angst #also holy shit you guys are giving me a lot of asks skjfskdj #ITS ALMOST MIDNIGHT HERE I'LL GET TO THEM TOMORROW OK??#NIGHT #tomtord

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quillyfied · 24 days

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Hellaverse Theories: Hazbin Hotel S1E8

Welcome to Quilly’s Hellaverse Theories, where I overthink the entire Hellaverse! Last episode of Hazbin time, and after this I’ll start on Helluva Boss (which shouldn’t be nearly as long but I am a windbag so who knows). Let’s go!!

Hazbin Hotel s1e8, here we go:

And here we go again with Vox and his complete reasonable obsession with Alastor and anyone who associates with him, love that for Vox, truly. Best life: he’s living it. But it’s also kinda scary how comprehensive a view Vox has of everyone and everything; we know this already, but watching him watching the Hotel just sort of feels…more violating. Because of audience bonding with the characters, really, but still. There’s a reason why the Vees are a terrifying force to be reckoned with and its real-world reflections make me too sad and full of impotent rage to manage so let’s move on.

Charlie wishing her mom could see this! Sweet! Valid! Somehow super sad knowing where her mom is but not knowing why!!

Well. Vaggie straight-up calls them all “sinners.” So for me that pretty handily puts the “are cannibals sinners” debate to bed. For a while, at least; I’m still gonna be double-checking the blood spatter when the battle starts.

Yeah Pentious giving the grand toast to not dying, I’m not. I’m not emotional. I’m fine.

So this little scene with Alastor and Niffty…intriguing. Seems to show a softer side of Alastor, one where he hangs up the scheming for one minute and admits he’s been enjoying himself, enjoying these people (for their interpersonal drama entertainment value if nothing else). It’s funny and it’s sweet and definitely shows why Niffty sticks with Alastor on the off chance he doesn’t own her soul. And it also has me not completely convinced that when Alastor gets the chance to accomplish his goals by betraying everyone at the Hotel, he isn’t going to feel some level of conflict about it. Getting a character who believes so completely in their own infallibility to crack: the ultimate Good Narrative Food.

(nope hang on angel and husk are flirting pause the analysis have to go squeal about it—)

(I’m a veteran of the Good Omens (TV) fandom and got pulled into watching a snake and reptile care youtube, I know about snake hemipenes, why is the mention that Pentious might have them taking me out at the kneecaps)

Lute being Too Much for Adam never ceases to make me laugh. Or remember that she definitely deserves to be a main villain, at least for a little while. (Alright her name is Lute because “lieutenant” but for the longest time I thought her name was Lute as in “guitar-like instrument” because Adam WOULD, that weirdo; I choose to believe it’s both tbh.) Lute is someone who is way more a foil for Vaggie than anyone else right now, and the absolute struggle in her future is making me excited. ALL ABOARD THE STRUGGLE BUS, LUTE.

I’m sorry I just paused to make another note of something but it’s flown OUT OF MY ENTIRE HEAD because I just realized HUSK AND ANGEL ARE BOTH CRACKING THEIR KNUCKLES AT THE SAME TIME AS THE EXORCISTS APPROACH. WHAT WAS I SAYING??

Right. Vaggie. Got her new wings, and it’s interesting to me that she immediately hides them. Even more interesting to me that she CAN immediately hide them; none of the angels ever seem to, if they even can. That seems a little more…demonic in nature. Because Lucifer certainly can. Sera and Emily change their forms slightly, but the wings stay out at all times (mainly bc it seems Heaven is specifically formed around being able to get around with them on, especially the courtroom). Just one more way that Vaggie is embracing her new life, I suppose.

And here come the Vees, safe in whatever bunker they’ve got, and once again I can’t stress enough how Vox seems to be the only one with any interest in the proceedings. The other two are treating it like Vox dragged them to a sports event that he’s super into and they’re just along for moral support at best. The utter boredom of it all is something I can’t fathom. But I’ll try: this means nothing to them. The Hotel means nothing. The Extermination means nothing because they can just hide from it while the rest of Hell gets slaughtered. They’re cold-blooded ruthless manipulators who might be about to give Lucifer a run for his money if they aren’t stopped. I look forward to season 2 very much. Because on a grand scale, the Vees mean NOTHING. Their games are PETTY SQUABBLES. They don’t rank on the cosmic horror scale because the fight is so much bigger than they are. But they can sure throw wrenches into things!

ALRIGHT HERE WE GO THE PRODUCT OF MY MANY THEORIES ABOUT OVERLORD MECHANICS AND ALASTOR SPECIFICALLY: the shield moment. They seem to be expecting it to happen, so Alastor knew he could do it, but it’s my firm belief that he couldn’t until he made the deal with Charlie. He figured out that he can get powerups just from making deals themselves, or else has been doing it better than anyone else if it’s a known thing, and Charlie isn’t a slouch in the power department. So that’s my theory: Alastor is only able to go toe-to-toe with Adam at all because he’s borrowing a little taste of Charlie’s power from their deal. He’s already plenty powerful, and maybe he could do the shield the whole time, but I do think the deal with Charlie was made at a very opportune time, and Alastor probably only agreed to take on Adam solo because of his overconfidence in himself now boosted with having some of Charlie’s power. I only really have a gut feeling to provide as a source for this, because the only one who proves up to facing Adam is Lucifer; Alastor made a good call, possibly recruiting more of Charlie’s power more directly in a deal when he did, but Charlie isn’t a match for Adam, either, so Alastor very much couldn’t be. He has the speed and the skill to definitely give Adam a bad time, but he can’t withstand the power. Charlie doesn’t have the skill, but she could have the power in time. Lucifer…well, he’s an unfair powerhouse, deus ex machina in a top hat and resolving daddy issues, and we love that for him.

Anyway. Shield. Angels finding out in a very nasty way they can be killed. Adam being his usual misogynistic self. And then Adam deciding he’s over it and obliterating the shield in one punch.

I get the feeling that Adam really doesn’t do much during Exterminations beyond laugh and make tasteless jokes while occasionally smiting demons that get too close or look fun to squash. Because he just effortlessly whips out these shows of power that nobody seems to be able to account for, which makes me think it’s because nobody has ever seen Adam actually try and fight in earnest before. Following the theme of the show, they’re hopelessly outmatched (outgunned outmanned outnumbered outplanned I’M SORRY), and manage to pull a win out of their asses anyway thanks to the power of Love (and pulling Lucifer out of his millennia-long funk for at least half an hour), which Adam very clearly doesn’t have. But. Who needs Love when you have whatever terrifying powerup the higher-ups saw fit to give him?

“A mortal soul is no match for me, edgelord.” Okay. Okay. Here we go. So…Adam isn’t a mortal soul…despite being the first human soul in Heaven. He wields divine light and has a divine axe. Lilith isn’t a mortal soul despite being the original first woman, rules as Queen of Hell when she’s at home, and has an inspiring voice and song to grow Hell’s strength. It’s safe to say that someone else granted them these powerups (Sera/the Seraphim for Adam, Lucifer for Lilith). So…let’s look at Alastor again, just for a sec. He demonstrates ability far beyond what we see any other Overlord or demon do, seems to know his way around deals and loopholes like the slipperiest lawyer in existence, and his rise to infamy was meteoric. It’s a popular theory that instead of Lilith, the person holding the other end of Alastor’s leash is Roo, especially given the repeating eye motif that he has in his magic, but I wonder if Roo isn’t giving him a power-up already, and the deal where he’s caged is something else. If the two are separate in some way.

“You should know better than anyone what a soul can accomplish when they take charge of their own fate.” Now THAT…throws a very different spin on the theory, actually. If Adam and Lilith weren’t gifted their abilities, but took them, Lilith drawing from Hell and Adam from Heaven. If nobody gave either of them anything at all, but they found ways to elevate themselves. Or…made deals, perhaps? Either way, Alastor seems well on his way to becoming something Else just like they are, but. He isn’t there yet. Hence the need to make a deal with Charlie and stick close to her and her budding power. Hence why Alastor couldn’t take on Adam yet.

Y’know. I haven’t mentioned or noticed Alastor’s shadow much. But it certainly is a huge part of his power. Just like the microphone staff, which is broken now oh nooooo. But back to the shadow—the combination of the shadow plus the voodoo aspect of Alastor’s powers are a bit too much Dr. Facilier for comfort (which is hysterical given that Keith David is right there voicing Husk), but the tentacles add a nice touch. Although all of that, plus the deer aspect, plus the possible cannibalism and serial murder, plus the radio—does it seem like Alastor might have too much going on? Because I’m wondering how much of that is his, and how much is alternative powerups from other deals. He made his name as an Overlord killer, after all—and as an Overlord himself, owning souls grants power. I’m certain that whatever supply he’s high on, it’s the only way he was able to survive being first hit by pure holy light, and then cut down by Adam like that. So it must be working for him—but not well enough.

There is something so comedically horrific about how Adam just…vaporizes Pentious, war machine and all. It seems to be a pretty effective death; however, I do have to wonder how it would affect Pentious’ ability to be redeemed if it was angelic steel that got him instead of holy light. Either way, confirming that there are multiple ways to kill demons, angelic steel is just the most straightforward, and wow he’s just wholly gone now, huh? Not even any debris or a body or anything.

(Putting this theory up while I’m thinking about it: concerning Charlie’s deal with Alastor, and specifically the “one favor where you harm no one” bit, a part of me thinks that Alastor is going to have Charlie stand aside and let him kill someone…just to prove that they can be redeemed. Whether that’s Alastor’s purpose or not in killing is up for constant debate in my head, but I do want it made very clear that Pentious wasn’t redeemed until he died. Demonic redemption might require double death; maybe the souls are re-judged on double death anyway. Who knows??)

HEY, BLOOD THEORY CONFIRMATION: Dazzle (gosh I hope I got that right) bleeds black. He’s Hellborn. There IS differentiation in blood colors given in this show. NICE.

So why the ENTIRE HELL does Charlie bleed RED?

It’s subtle, it could be written off as her horns, but it’s there in certain shots; she’s bleeding from the head after Adam throws her into the hotel sign, definite drips that aren’t her horns at all, or bloodstains from possibly being close to cannibals who died. And it’s red. Why is it red? Why does she bleed red like sinners, Viv? WHY DOES SHE BLEED RED, VIV?

Because here’s the only thing I can think of: that means one, she DOES have a soul (an immortal soul, like Adam says, mechanic not metaphor), because two, she might be something close to half-human, or at least half-sinner, or half-whatever the actual hell Lilith is. This makes her powerful, but also incredibly vulnerable, just the same as sinners are with their souls. And it puts her more on their level; she isn’t some above-it-all royal that’s something entire Other from the sinners, she’s sort of partially one of them. (Not to say she doesn’t still have her royal privilege and so forth and et cetera let’s move on.)

Alright Vaggie hiding away her wings is kinda worth it for the badass blink-and-you-miss-it tearing open of the back of her battle uniform to let them out. And, uh, can we give Jessica Vosk ALL the credit for that absolutely unhinged Lute scream as she TEARS HER OWN ARM OFF??

(Also, to the legend who wrote the Lute’s Arm/Vaggie’s Eye fanfic: I didn’t read it but I think of you often.)

But: Lute and Vaggie setting up to be tragic narrative foils, most likely complete with Lute spiraling as she completely loses any sense of self or direction while her world crumbles around her and Vaggie going from suspicious to pitying. When the truth about how fucked up the Exorcist legion is comes out, I’m sure there’s going to be signs about how they were both hurt pretty deeply by being a part of it but handled it differently, Vaggie by being lucky enough to find a support group after she was kicked out and Lute struggling with carrying on the legacy alone. Also, calling it now, if Emily doesn’t Fall, then Lute is definitely gonna try to kill her at least once. Anyway. That’s probably super endgame stuff.

LUCIFER, DEUS EX MACHINA! Or. Uh. Diaboli ex machina? Eh who cares LOOK AT HIM GO. It’s such a fun fight, watching him zing around Adam and shapeshift and be all creative and zany. Right up until it matters—and then he’s all business. Fiery, deadly business. Also how did he get his voice to do that (the “you’re in my house now, bitch” part, not the “go home” part). But it’s such an important moment for witnessing that dreamer that Heaven cast out, the creative powerhouse that just wanted to make something nice, something meaningful. Adam can’t fight him because Lucifer isn’t really fighting. He’s playing. Right up until Adam threatens Charlie again. She’s the only thing worth fighting for to him, after all.

So very interesting to me too that when Lucifer is in his demon aspect, the snake on his hat becomes a halo. (Also, unlike the other Sins, he doesn’t get any taller. Bless him.)

Now. Let’s address the elephant—or, rather, the very small cyclops—in the room. Niffty killing Adam. It’s certainly a twist. It’s the biggest, weirdest twist I’ve ever seen. It kind of doesn’t make any narrative sense. It boggles the brain that Niffty, the littlest demon in the group, the bit side character, gets to kill Adam, the big bad of the season. But in a way…that’s kind of perfect? It DOESN’T make any narrative sense. LIFE doesn’t make narrative sense. Not everything is going to fit into a perfect metaphor. Although, if I tried…Niffty took out the biggest cockroach of all :P Alright I’ll be honest I don’t know. I’d love to read other people’s thoughts on why it happened like this. Because it’s not like I don’t enjoy it as a narrative choice, it’s just so jarring and my English major brain hasn’t made it make sense yet.

Such an unexpectedly tender character moment to have Adam’s dying smile be for Lute, though. Yeah, she’s gonna be REAL hecked up next season. And not because she’s way more homicidal than Adam somehow.

(Also, back to my blood color theory: cannibals bleed red. They’re sinners. Stop the debates, it’s canon and I can prove it now. Kinda. Still got the whole. Charlie bleeding red thing throwing a wrench into my everything.)

And we see some of the littler pieces to finish off a lot of my theories—the Vees’ ultimate plan to seize control of Hell going off pretty well despite the Hotel surviving (not that it mattered to them either way, the plan was to throw the other Overlords off their game and take their stuff, not mess with the Hotel at all); Husk and Niffty going about their days but looking surprised with the rest of the group when Alastor shows back up (and still uncertain if they knew he was alive or dead and if they even would know if he died tbh). But let’s take one last little peep at Alastor before I close the book on him for now.

Y’know. They really do make it unclear if it’s Alastor Altruist, or Alastor, altruist.

But more than that, it’s the first time he acknowledges his deal and the fact that his powers are limited—which is why he might use non-soul deals with others anyway, to get around his soul deal constraints. And if he’s LIMITED and he went to bat against Adam and held his own pretty well, maybe I need to rethink my own assessment of his strength and how he’s leashed (unless, of course, the theories are right and it’s a deal with Lilith keeping him constrained from using his powers except in her service, so he really was at maximum potential in that fight and just isn’t strong enough yet). But he’s confident (as he always is) that once he’s out of his deal, he’ll be where he wants to be, pulling strings and manipulating fates and probably strong enough to replace Lucifer (and wouldn’t it be twisty if Alastor used his favor with Charlie to let him kill and replace her father as King of Hell? Wild. Anyway—). But until then, he’s showing back up at the hotel after it’s been rebuilt, sans staff, and while fanon has latched onto the idea of his wound containing angelic essence that’s slowly killing him…I’m not so sure if canon is going to go that route, but his missing staff is probably way more significant than the wound, and I’m curious about that.

Now forget about these losers, let’s go check out the last two scenes and put proper bows on my last two theories.

First: Pentious, redeemed, showing up before the Seraphim and NOT at the heavenly gates. Convenient for keeping something this reality-shaking a secret! I still don’t know that I’m fully convinced that Sir Pentious is truly the first sinner to be redeemed; I still kinda think he’s just the first one that Sera and Emily noticed, but I’m looking forward to exploring that mystery more next season. Maybe with Molly as an actual character this time? The folks who keep drawing and writing about Molly and Pentious being friends, you’re legends, keep doing that; it will sustain me if I am disappointed.

Second: Lute and Lilith on a beach in Heaven, presumably. Alright, wording: “Adam is dead. Your deal is done, and I’m in charge now.” There is. So much to unpack in that. Starting with “Your deal is done.” Lilith…made a deal…with Adam? Adam made a deal with Lilith? Or Lilith made a deal with someone else, like the Seraphim, and Adam happened to be a condition? The most likely explanation is that Lilith made a deal with Adam, but for what and why remains to be seen. It sure looks like Lilith made a deal with her ex-husband to relax in Heaven and let Hell rot, but things really aren’t as they seem in this show; appearances are constantly deceiving. I’ve heard the popular theory that Lilith and Eve share a body (very, very weird implications if so), and it’s shown in some family portraits that Lilith can banish her horns just like Lucifer can his wings (or Charlie her horns, for that matter), but not showing Lilith’s eyes, keeping her shrouded in mystery—is that to conceal her identity as swapping between herself and Eve, is it just to build mystery about Lilith herself (who again is NEVER HECKING MENTIONED EXCEPT BY CHARLIE AND ADAM), is it for lolz? What the heck could Lilith and Adam have possibly traded for, anyway? Letting Lilith crash in Heaven in exchange for…what? The Exterminations have surely been going on for longer than seven years. Lilith could be imprisoned, but Lute’s behavior and language doesn’t convey that at all. Like, AT ALL.

Additional question: does Lute even have the power to take Adam’s place? Or will she get the power as she assumes command?

Anyway, moving forward in this scene, Lute later says “Your brat is threatening the very foundation of Heaven.” Interesting, showing that Lute is just as fearful of a Hellish uprising as Sera is and what that means for the safety of Heaven and the souls they’re protecting. “And if you want to stay here” And if you want to stay here. IF YOU WANT TO STAY HERE. Lilith is definitely there because she wants to be. Or at least Lute believes she wants to be. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if both Lilith and Lucifer are exhausted with their existences, but it is such a contradictory thing, for Charlie to believe so wholeheartedly that her mother is off doing something important, that she loved Hell and cared about its denizens, only to show Lilith on a beach needing to be threatened with leaving it to get up and deal with Charlie. But, then, Charlie also believed her father didn’t want to see her and didn’t really care about her. It’s possible that Charlie is wrong about her mother. But we have so few clues and it’s easy to assume the worst when this is how Lilith is truly introduced.

One thing I keep noticing and keep forgetting to go back and check for: Lilith’s necklace. There really aren’t very many details that don’t have some sort of thought put into them, and her necklace while laying out on a beach is…eye-catching, at least to me. It’s simple, but I just wonder if it’s present in any of the portraits, because I keep forgetting to check for it. Maybe if I write it down, I’ll remember to keep an eye out next time.

I’m sure that there are theories and threads that I didn’t finish, because I have word-vomited something like 24,000 words of theories and reactions and maddened questions; now that I have it all out of my system, maybe I’ll make organized, reasonable posts where the theories are actually separated and presented as cohesive wholes rather than themes carrying across episodes. But I have to get through my Helluva Boss analyses first!

Thanks so much for sticking around and sticking it out, and if any of this made sense, then I’m glad! Later!

#quilly's hellaverse theories #hazbin hotel #quilly writing

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