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auteurdelabre · 6 months

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Something to Fight For (SERIES) Part 11

Word Count: 7.0

Pairing: Dad!Joel Miller x f!reader (no use of y/n, no age or physical descriptions)

WARNINGS: Sexual innuendo, sad angsty shit.

A/N: The story is gonna twist and turn and you may want to jump ship. But I hope you can trust that as your captain I’m gonna get our two leads to a safe and happy shore.

Being with Tess is easy.

She likes the same movies as Joel, drinks the same beer, and has a kid the same age. She hates sardines and black and white movies. She's a nurse, so nothing much fazes her. She fits well with Joel.

Sarah and Daniel don't know Joel and Tess are dating. As far as the kids know it's just play dates more often and the occasional dinner.

Tess has every other weekend free. Daniel goes to visit his dad then, plus half the summer. On those weekends Tess comes over after Sarah is asleep. She stays the night in Joel's bed and leaves before Sarah wakes up. She's aggressive in bed which is a nice change of pace for Joel.

She tells Joel everything. What she loves about her job, her hopes and aspirations. She confides in him when she's anxious about Daniel being at his dad's. There's nothing hidden, nothing secreted away.

It's only been a few weeks but Joel likes it. It feels comfortable. He doesn't worry that Tess will stop calling. He doesn't worry that Sarah is getting too attached.

He just exists in it.

And if he thinks about you sometimes so what? If he stands in the shower, water running down his back in rivulets as he thrusts into his fists and comes holding in the moan of your name, so what?

It doesn't mean anything.

But then last night. The horrible thing he said to you. The way you'd looked at him with such disgust in your features.

"I'm not her mother"

"Damn right you're not."

He wakes the next morning with a stone in his stomach. His bed is full of Tess and her sweet smelling hair and her sleepy smile when she rolls over. But he can't smile back. He can't do anything because he's hurt you. He hurt you in a way that wasn't fair. And you're mad at him and why shouldn't you be? He had so many ways of approaching it, so many ways he could have told you and instead he fell back into what he always finds familiar; irritation and anger. Those emotions are safe, those emotions keep him strong.

But then why does he feel so weak right now?

He wants to phone you but knows how that went the last time.

He presses an absent kiss to Tess' temple as she leaves at dawns first light.

Then he rolls over, curling into himself, hating every moment of the last twenty four hours.

But mostly, he hates himself.

////

"YOU'RE FUCKING ENGAGED!"

"I'M FUCKING ENGAGED!"

You and Maria are jumping up and down in her kitchen, holding hands and giggling like you're teenagers again. She keeps spinning and holding her hand up to look at it.

"Isn't the ring perfect?"

"More than perfect!"

“I didn’t see it coming at all,” Maria enthuses. “I still can’t believe it.”

Your face is hurting from all your smiling. Seeing Maria so elated, so over the moon is making your heart expand bigger and bigger.

"We're gonna do a little engagement dinner in a few weeks," Maria tells you. "With our best man and maid of honor!"

You do a little mock bow. The wedding is going to be a quick one. Maria and Tommy have never been over the top wedding people. Just something simple with family and a few friends in a few months. You know that this will mean more time with Joel and to your credit you don't wince or act horrified when Maria mentions about you and Joel being in the wedding party. You smile and hug her and say that you can't wait.

But memories of that last conversation you had with Joel are seared into your brain.

And while everything in you commands you to run and hide from the conflict, you raised the phone to your ear later that night, breathing shakily.

You're not losing Sarah.

You may have lost Joel in all this bullshit, but you're not losing Sarah.

Your hand is trembling so severely you hit the wrong buttons on your phone and have to redial.

"Hello."

"Joel, we need to talk. I know you're busy so I'll keep it brief," you say trying to quell the panic creeping into your voice at his flat greeting. "It's about the other night."

There's a long sigh.

"It was fucking horrible of me to say. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I tossed the money at you like that, like some fucking asshole.” You can hear him and he’s pacing, the familiar creak of his kitchen floor sounding over the phone. “I’ve been thinking about it since you left last night and I’m fucking sick about it. I just. . . I wanted to call but I thought you’d want me to leave you alone and I just. . . I'm so fucking sorry, please forgive me.”

He trails off and you stare at your phone. You weren’t expecting that. You think you’d been ready for him to be more defensive. So it throws you, causing you to speak stilted and stumble over your words.

"W-well, It’s just… I just wanted. . . yeah, I forgive you. I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

You can hear the delay in his response, the surprise in his voice. "Wait… You're apologizing to me?"

"Yeah," you nod even though he can't see it. "I mean at first I was really pissed off. And I still am about some stuff. But, then, I thought about it and I think I can see why you were upset. I didn't talk to you or Sarah the whole time I was gone."

Joel gives a small hum in response.

“It was wrong of me to do that.”

And suddenly you can't speak because now there’s a knot in your throat that you're having trouble swallowing through. You hear him moving back and you imagine that he's moved to sit on his sofa. The silence stretches on to an uncomfortable length and you hear Joel clear his throat.

“S'okay if I say something?”

You choke out a sound of agreement.

"Michelle said she'd always love Sarah," Joel says in a voice of quiet solemnity. "But if that were the case it wouldn't have been so easy for her to leave."

You find your voice at that. "That was different, Joel."

"Not to Sarah. You know how she is about her Mom. She barely knew her and she’s still devastated about it. The photos, the stories help but there will always be that missing piece in her that I can’t fix.” His voice catches before steadying. “It's easy for some people to say they love a person. It's the sticking around that's hard."

"I know."

"And I know you say you had your reasons and I know you never would do anything to hurt Sarah on purpose but the fact of the matter is you did." Joel sounds like he's taking a shuddering breath. "You know she asked me why you hadn't come around? When I told her I didn't know she asked if you were mad at her."

Sarah had thought you were mad at her? You could not feel worse if you tried. You take a steadying breath, your eyes slamming shut.

"I'm sorry," you say, your throat tight. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Now the tears come, soft and silent. You're so thankful Joel can't see them over the phone. You can hear him sigh gently and it's the sigh of a man whose walls are coming down.

"I know," Joel says soothingly and if he were there with you, you just know he’d be holding you in his arms. "I know you are. And I'm sorry too. It was a knee-jerk reaction. Its just she's my kid and hearing you say you love her was terrifying. All I could think was how heartbroken she’d be when you never came back."

"I understand."

You hadn't wanted to talk about this. Hadn't wanted to bring up the horrible trip back to Chicago. But you can feel Joel slipping away from you and you panic.

"If you give me a chance I'll explain what happened when I was gone. I'll tell you everything."

Pathetic hope flares in you. If you explain maybe there's hope. Maybe he'll --

"I don't want you to do that. Don't want you feeling like you have to talk about something that'll upset you.”

“You wanted to know,” you say with a panic in your chest.

“But there's no real point, is there? Doesn't change anything," Joel murmurs. "What's done is done n' I'm with Tess now. I don't want you dragging stuff up that'll make things hard. I don't want you hurtin'.”

Don't you fucking sniffle.

"Right, yeah," you answer him through tightly closed eyes. "Of course."

Don't let him hear you cry.

He's with Tess. There's no confusion there, no wiggle room. You dig your fingernails into your palm to keep from crying, leaving tiny crescent moons in the flesh of your hand

"Just know that I'll always be there for Sarah," you swear this oath ardently. "As long as she needs me, I'll be there. I know you don't trust that right now and that's okay, I don't blame you. If I was her parent I'd probably feel exactly the same. But I need you to know that I mean it. I love her, I really do. I wasn't lying about that."

Joel is silent and you can imagine him looking off into the distance in that silent, introspective way of his.

“You mean a lot to Sarah and to me too. Even if we can’t be together like I thought, you mean something to me. I don’t want you gone from our lives. You asked if we could be friends and . . .” You hear him inhale sharply. “I wanna give it a shot.”

Is this what heartbreak feels like? This searing pain that goes through a person’s sternum? It sure as fuck feels like it. More acute that anything you felt with Paul, stronger despite the shorter time frame you’ve had with Joel. Well, you had nothing with Joel did you? Not even a day.

"I want that too. I know what it's like to feel abandoned by people you care about," you offer, your fingernails digging into your palm further. "I would never want to do that to Sarah."

"I know that," Joel assures, and his voice holds all the warmth of the world. "I know you never meant to hurt her. And again I’m sorry for what I said; it was a horrible fucking thing to say and I didn’t mean it."

All you want is to be there in that house in his arms.

"I'm sorry too. I really am. I hope one day you and Sarah can forgive me."

"Forgiveness was never the issue," Joel replies softly. "You had that the minute you asked for it. It's the forgetting that's hard."

"Yeah."

The forgetting.

///

Time has a funny way of making you remember.

You thought you'd never see him again.

Never see the way his black hair falls into his blue eyes. Never see the shy way his mouth quirks when you say something funny.

And yet here you are at a nearby coffee shop talking to Paul. Paul, the man who broke your heart.

He looks better than you remember. He finally got a better haircut. He seems calmer than before as well, his lithe body leaning back in the chair regarding you as the cafe bustles around you.

You've just finished telling him about the sanctuary and he responded in exactly the way you wanted, with a kind of truthful enthusiasm that made you fall for him in the first place.

"That's amazing," he enthuses shaking his head in disbelief. "Scratch that, you're amazing. Look at how much you've done for that place."

"Not just me," you insist, feeling guilty about taking all the credit.

"Ah yes," Paul takes a sip of his coffee. "How is James?"

"Alex, actually. James resigned."

"Oh wow," Paul looks shocked by this. You consider talking to him about James being a big booger sugar fan but then decide against it. But you do tell him about getting kennels built and how your office has been renovated.

Paul has always had this ability to make you feel like the most fascinating person on the planet. When you talk he really listens.

You've missed that.

When his face grow sober and he puts the mug next to yours on the table, you immediately tense. Paul means across the table, his hand clutching yours. You note this with passivity.

"I'm so sorry for what happened. Your mom told me."

"How?"

"She called me." Paul is tilting his head slightly, a habit that always reminds you of the dogs you see at work.

"Why would you be in contact with my mom?"

"We talk sometimes."

"You do?"

"Of course," Paul replies softly. "Until this most recent one, you weren't returning any of my texts and I was worried. I wanted to check up on you."

Irritation goes through your veins like a drug. You pull your hand back from his, wrapping it around your mug.

"You broke up with me, Paul, remember? Why would I be responding to your texts?"

"Because it's not like we broke up because we stopped loving each other," Paul insists. "We just wanted different things at different times."

You lapse into silence, considering this. He's not completely wrong, you surmise. For you, it had been the bitter end of a relationship, for Paul. It seems it was simply a pause.

"I told you I'd always love you," Paul continues. "And I meant it."

"You also told me we were drifting apart."

"its how I felt at the time," Paul answers honestly. His eyes trace your face in a way that feels tender. “I wanted to go on tour, I wanted to bring music to people. You used to want that too.”

“Yeah, well,” you clear your throat, moving back in your chair and shrugging. “Things change. I changed.”

“I know something about change,” Paul offers with a shy smile. "I got a job teaching music. Doesn't pay a ton but it's reliable."

This shocks you. Paul had been so dedicated to his music, so invested in making it his everyday reality by touring all over.

"What about Jack and the band?"

"Weekends," Paul shrugs. "A hobby."

You’re gobsmacked. A year ago you had needed to split up because of Paul’s unwavering belief that touring with Jack was what needed to happen. That he would live the rest of his life unfulfilled if he didn’t.

And now he sitting here across from you, offering himself up as the exact man you wanted him to be?

Timing is everything.

Fucking timing.

"A lot has changed in a year," you say coolly.

"A year without you has felt longer," Paul confides. "Thought I knew what I wanted. But playing music and touring? It's not the same when you don't have your person to come home to."

You hate the way your treacherous heart lurches at that. Your bruised heart you’ve tried to mend.

"I missed you, baby."

You feel all the hurt from the past few weeks with Joel heavy on your heart. The realization that yet another relationship didn't work out for you. The thought that maybe there’s a reason things never work and maybe it has everything to do with you and being unlovable.

"I missed you too, Paul."

And it's true, you did miss Paul. You'd loved Paul for so long. And even though that love is buried you think that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance for revival if it’s cared for and nurtured.

You talk for a long time. You talk about what it would mean to be back together. You talk about your fears and what it would look like to be a couple again. You talk until the woman who runs the cafe politely tells you to leave.

Paul wants you, even after everything. Paul is here, not Joel. It will never again be Joel.

So later that night when Paul gently guides your mouth to his you let him. You let him hold you and kiss you and you think that this is all you can hope for.

This is all you deserve.

///

You and Maria pull into the parking lot of the restaurant to celebrate the engagement. You're thankful it's not the shitty Italian place you had your first 'date' with Joel. This place is more casual with a pub-like ambiance. Despite this, you've dressed up a bit. Done your hair nicely and pressed perfume to your neck.

Maria thinks you're all done up for her for her engagement party and remarks how beautiful you look, but this isn't true. You did it because as his best man, you know Joel will be there.

The thought of a whole evening with Joel would have intimidated you a week ago, but after your phone conversation you feel excited to see him. Plus he's undoubtedly brought Sarah and she is the brightest of bright spots.

"Over here!" Tommy calls and as you turn your head to follow Maria you see Joel sitting at the table beside a beautiful woman who smiles up at you as Maria and you approach.

He brought Tess?

The minute he sees you, a look crosses Joel’s face. A look that you can’t actually decipher. He murmurs something to Tess and then he’s moving from the table towards the washrooms. You don’t bothering watching him go.

Tommy offers you and Maria your seats next to his at the booth. You’re directly across from Tess and Joel. You want to hold in a groan.

“Hi, I’m Tess,” the woman says with a small wave from her side of the table. You wave back, introducing yourself. Tommy pushes a menu towards you and you busy yourself reading the specials, trying to stop the galloping of your heart.

“Joel says you're the best babysitter," Tess enthuses with a broad smile, determined to talk to you. "And Sarah never stops talking about you. I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity."

"Mmm." You feel sick to your stomach. "Where is Sarah? I thought she'd be here."

"I convinced Joel to let my mom take care of the kids tonight," Tess explains. "Took a lot of convincing though. You know how stubborn he can be."

"Oh sure," you say glumly.

Tess seems to want to say more but Joel has returned from the washroom and slid into the chair next to Tess and across from you. You could be mistaken but his temples look damp, like he splashed water on his face.

"Did I miss anything?" he asks, looking between you and Tess.

"Just saying how my mom is babysitting the kids so we could come solo tonight," Tess smiles at him.

You toss back your drink. "Does she have her first aid?"

"Huh?" Tess is looking at you confused.

"Your mom. Does she have CPR training?" You continue. "Can she drive at night if there's an emergency?"

"Hey." Joel's voice is a low warning, his eyes narrowed.

But Tess's face has broken into amusement and she's laughing in a way that can only be described as musical. She rubs Joel's arm with affection.

"Joel she's kidding."

"Yeah," you say with a forced smile. "Kidding."

"Maria told me you were funny," Tess acknowledges. You don't know what to say to that. You give a polite nod before everyone's attention is drawn to the end of the table. Maria and Tommy are seated there. Tommy has his arm around Maria and she's nestled under his armpit like she was made to be there.

"Thanks for coming out," Tommy says raising a glass. “Just a little something to celebrate us getting’ engaged. Nothing fancy but let’s raise a glass and…Well, except maybe you. You keep your glass on the table.”

Tommy winks at you as he motions to your pint, the meaning obvious and Maria lets out a barking laugh, turning to you and shaking her head.

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“Tommy!’ You defend, your cheeks flaming. “You told her?”

“He couldn’t stop laughing telling me,” Maria informs you. Tess and Joel are looking at the three of you dissolving into giggles, confusedly. Tommy sobers quickly, raising his glass once more.

“To finding the right person,” he says warmly. “To love.”

You raise your glass along with the rest of the table, tapping it gently against Tess’s glass when she leans over with her glass extended. You ignore Joel when his tips towards you. Instead you drink deeply, letting the hoppy ale coat your tongue.

You learn more about Tess because she never seems to stop talking. She's a nurse. She's a beer fan. She's nuts about horses. Of course she is. She probably has a secret collection of flannel shirts too.

With every new detail you find yourself pouring another glass of beer from the communal pitchers. The beer momentarily makes you feel more affectionate towards the group, even annoying ol' Tess who seems determined to talk the entire fucking night.

She's pretty. Closer to Joel's age and very confident. That's the only word you can think to describe her. The way she carries herself, the way she can just interject comments into the conversation all night as if she's been part of the group forever.

“We’re going to the site tomorrow morning early,” Tess enthuses now. “Can’t wait to see it.”

"Oh, are you a construction worker as well as a nurse?" You don't mean for it to sound snarky, but it comes out harsh and ugly.

Maria and Tommy shoot you a similar surprised look with raised brows. Joel is glowering at you and Tess is laughing awkwardly.

"I just mean," you scramble, trying to salvage your faux pas. "You seem to know -"

You watch as she wraps a hand over his shoulder, resting her chin there and looking at Joel fondly.

"I just wanted to see where my man spends all his time."

My man.

Thankfully the waitress is there with pitchers of beer for the table before you can say something hideous. You throw yours back by the time everyone is just finishing their first sips. Maria is still looking at you incredulously.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Tess asks you politely. And now you can feel so many sets of eyes on you, it causes your skin to crawl. You think about your audience, unsure if you should answer.

But then you feel like there’s this overwhelming air of pity around the table as they look at you. You suppose this is what motivates you to answer how you do.

"Uh, yeah," you nod looking at your dinner. "His name's Paul."

There’s the sharp clattering of cutlery and you wince. You just know that Maria heard you.

"Wait, did you say Paul?" Maria is leaning forward to see you down the table. You can feel her eyes on you. "When did that happen?"

"Maria," Tommy says placing a calming hand over hers.

"Sorry," Maria says blinking rapidly and forcing a smile. "I just didn't know. Just caught me off guard."

"Wait, Paul Paul?," Tommy says now as his mind finally connects the dots. "The guy you dated before? The musician?"

Please stop. Just stop asking me-

"I thought this whole dinner was about celebrating your engagement," Joel says coolly. "So let's talk about it. Mainly, how much do I have to spend on your bachelor party when you did fuck all for mine, Tommy?"

The tension is broken for the moment and the group laughs before it falls into a comfortable pattern of chatting. For a moment you’re suddenly grateful to Joel for diverting the conversation.

You begin to like the beer, even though you've never been a big drinker. You like it because it makes you feel fuzzy and warm.

You try your best not to look at Joel through the dinner. But he's across from you so it's hard. His kneecap brushes yours at one point and you nearly jump out of your skin. It's when he shifts, putting his arm on the seat behind Tess, letting his hand drift lazily against her shoulder that a sudden anger unleashes itself in you.

All the goodwill you have for Joel from that phone conversation seems to be ebbing away with every pint you throw back. He's sitting there practically rubbing it in your face that he's with Tess!

Fuck Joel Miller. Fuck him for thinking its fine to tell you how much he cares about you and then find another woman so easily. If he liked you so much why were you so easy to replace?

The meal is almost over when you get a buzz on your hip. You pull out your phone under the table and see Paul has sent you a message.

C u at home gorgeous. I'll bring dessert.

You swallow thickly before placing the phone back in your pocket. You feel eyes on you and glance up to see Joel studying you from across the table. You pour yourself another beer.

"How many is that?" Joel murmurs in a low voice only you can hear. The rest of the group is chatting at the other end of the table.

"Last time I counted it was..." You adopt a contemplative look, pretending to add in your head before your face drops. "Oh right, none of your business."

You throw the drink back with renewed gusto. Joel watches this silently, his face revealing nothing, before his attention is back to the group.

You start to understand why people love beer so much. It makes you numb to the fact that Maria looked horrified at the thought of you being back with Paul. It makes you impervious to the sight of Tess caressing Joel's forearm in front of you, as if she's purposely trying to rub it in.

"Maria I forgot to tell you, I found the best charity shop by the boulevard."

"Please tell me it's nothing like the last one you dragged me to," Maria says with a chuckle. "I'm still finding glitter all over my closet!"

She and Tess break into high pitched giggles. Your fork stills on your plate at the sound.

Wait. Maria and Tess have been hanging out just the two of them? It's not enough that she's taken Joel, now she's gonna come for Maria too?

A coiling tendril of insecurity and anger starts to move through you and as if she can sense it, Tess turns and smiles in your direction.

"You should come with us next time! Maybe we can find some good stuff for the wedding."

She's coming to the wedding?! She's known Maria and Tommy for what, a month, maybe two, and now she's invading the wedding? A sickening sensation is taking you over. A sensation that has nothing to do with Tess’ offer and everything to do with wanting to slap Joel fucking Miller across his beautiful, horrible face.

"I'm busy," you mutter.

Tess's smile is fading and the rest of the group is now staring at you awkwardly. Except for Joel, he's openly glaring at you. You can see the muscle in his jaw working overtime as he pins you with his gaze.

Tess glances at Maria and then back to you giving a weak laugh. "But, I didn't say when we were going."

Fuck.

Your cheeks burn with embarrassment. You want to be anywhere but here. You hate the pitying look Tommy is sending you even worse than the open hostility that Joel is.

Maria seems to sense your discomfort because she's talking loudly about dessert. Everyone agrees that a tart sounds great.

You take this opportunity to slink off to the bathroom feeling properly admonished. You move with a slight wobble as you stand, finding it much harder to walk now that the restaurant is so packed and the room seems to be tilted.

You stand outside the washroom door, hidden behind the wall for a few moments. Is it too late to just run? No, fuck, your purse and phone are back at the table. Maybe you can tell everyone you got food poisoning?

"The fuck are you doing?"

Your eyes dart to the approaching figure of Joel. He rounds the corner, stalking towards you like a creature of terrifying grace. He comes to stand inches from you, so close you have to tilt back a bit to see his face.

"Whadda you mean?" You say trying to keep the slur from your voice.

"Being a bitch to Tess for no reason? Getting wasted?" Joel replies pointedly. "In all the time I've known you, I've never seen you have more than one drink."

"I'm not drunk," you counter even as you struggle to focus on his increasingly blurry face. "You don't see me all the time Joel. You don't know if I drink or not. You actually don't know me at all."

"I do know you," Joel replies in a voice so dark and low it feels siphoned from the soles of his work boots. "You think all you deserve is that asshole that left you."

You give a scoffing noise. Joel Miller of all people is trying to give you relationship advice?

Joel continues, his neck bending so he can keep your eyes. "Hell, I don't think you even like him. He's just convenient."

You want to scream in his face. You want to pummel his strong chest. And you want to hug him, to have him hold you. It's so complicated being around Joel and it infuriates you that you still feel this way knowing you can't have him.

"What do you care?" You shoot back, holding the door to the washroom to keep your balance. You make sure to pitch your voice low and quiet so the table can’t overhear. "You have perfect Tess and now you'll have a perfect family and a perfect life. How perfectly fucking perfect for you."

You know you sound absolutely crazy as you say this to him, your eyes half closed in a drunken stupor as you sway in place. Joel looks exasperated.

“You said you wanted to be friends.”

"You guys sleep together yet?” you say over him, not hearing what he’s just said. “You tell her the same stuff you told me that night?"

Joel's gaze hardens. His shoulders are shaking as he breathes in and out at a rapid pace. You want to punch something. Mainly Joel’s face.

"You tell her that you want her for your own? That you need to taste her? You probably do. I was such a fucking idiot."

You go to walk away but Joel is stopping you, his hand on your shoulder keeping you there by pressing it to the wall. He does it lightly and you know if you pulled away from him he’d let you go. But his eyes pin you to the wall, keeping you there.

"Tess doesn't walk out when things get tough," Joel tells you in a low whisper. "She doesn't tell me how she feels and then leave and ignore me for weeks."

"Nope. She's perfect."

"She doesn't need to be perfect. She just needs to talk to me, to not run away from me." Joel is inches from your face. "Do you know how I felt when I heard from Tommy that you'd been talking to Maria the whole time you were gone?"

You're surprised by this. You weren't aware he'd known anything about your trip away, including who you talk to.

"I told you how I felt about you and then you pick up and leave," Joel says in a voice that feels dragged from the base of his abdomen. "And I was the one here panicking, calling you, begging for you to call me back like a fucking loser."

"You’re not-"

"You never called once."

"I couldn't."

"You called Maria." Joel defends.

"Maria is like my family," you say with a deep frown, irritated that you have to defend yourself. "I've known her since we were teenagers."

Joel is silent, his face drawn into a cold frown.

"Joel, I couldn't call you. We were so... fresh, so new." You run your hands through your hair, tugging. "I couldn't stand the thought of dragging you down with me."

His eyes are searching yours. "That wasn't just for you to decide."

"Yes it was!" you insist, your voice wobbling. "I get to decide when and what I share, Joel."

"You do," Joel replies airily. "Just don't expect everyone to be waiting around for you when you finally decide to do it."

"You certainly weren't," you bite back. "How long after you told me about all those feelings did you go running off to Tess?"

Silence.

“C'mon Joel," you demand, your drunkenness feeding your ire. "All those feelings you claimed you had churning up inside you. Where did they go so quickly? Be honest."

If looks could kill you'd be dead five times over. He pulls back, his hand moving from your shoulder and falling to his hip.

"Or maybe they weren't as strong as you led me to believe," you say swaying as you try to keep your gaze focused. "Maybe you just liked the attention, Joel. And now you have someone new, someone easier, someone who doesn’t know that you ran just as quickly as I did."

Joel shuts his eyes and takes a deep, steadying breath, it's slow and even and you are terrified at the sound of it. It's as if he's a giant balloon releasing all the hateful tension of the last five minutes.

“I wanted you so fucking badly. I told you things I’ve never told anyone. Ever. Not even Tommy.”

You feel sick to your stomach listening to Joel because in all the time you’ve known him you don’t remember him sounding this defeated. Then his eyes open and it's like you've been kicked in the gut. All the hatred and the fury you'd been expecting is gone. Instead all that remains is a naked sorrow that makes you do a double take.

“And I get to your house that morning and you won’t look at me and your bag is packed and all I can think is that it’s Michelle all over again. So yeah, I fucked up and left. I’m sorry.” Joel’s breathing is unsteady. “But you don’t get to act like it’s the same as what you did to me. I called you how many times that day to apologize? And I didn’t expect you tell me everything. I just wanted to know you were okay. I wanted to be there for you. And you shut me out.”

Please Joel. Please don’t look at me like that. Not with eyes that sad.

“And you don’t want me. That’s fine. You tell me you want to be friends? I agree to it. I moved on with a woman who has made it clear that she wants all of me and you’re mad at me for it?”

Are you mad? Its what you wanted wasn't it? Less complication? Joel as your friend?

So then why are you this fucking angry?

"I. . . I thought you wanted us to be friends," he says in a voice so quiet you almost don’t hear it.

You stare up at him, blinking as his words register with you. Friends. You can't be friends with Joel Miller. Not when you like him this much. Not when the sight of him still makes your stomach do cartwheels.

But there’s still a fire in your belly, multiplied by the alcohol but definitely not reliant on it.

"I don't want to be your friend," you bite back. "I don't need you using me as free babysitting so you can go off with Tess and get your dick wet."

This is the ugliest thing you've ever said to him. Maybe to anyone. It's such a cruel, twisted thing to say to a man who has done nothing besides not wait around for you to decide whether you like him or not. Joel stares down at you with a look of such disappointment you're convinced you could shrivel away to nothing under it.

"That was a shitty fucking thing to say."

You wonder if he's going to yell at you or slap the wall beside your head. You never find out because Maria rounds the corner to see you both locked in a mutual glare.

"Hey guys, was wondering where you got off to," Maria says eye-balling you both. Its clear there is tension, made even more obvious by the seething glare Joel shoots you before stalking back to the table.

You both watch him leave and then Maria is staring at you with a look of someone solving a very large and very obvious puzzle.

"You like Joel."

You want to shake your head and insist that she's wrong. You want to deny everything and force a laugh. But instead your head drops forward onto your sternum and you're holding in tears.

"Yeah."

Maria brings you stumbling into her arms and guides you to exit the restaurant. She's brought your purse and she holds you steady as you weave out the doors.

"I'm taking you home."

"The dinner -"

"Over anyway," Maria insists as you both buckle in. "The dessert was disgusting."

She lets you sit in silence the entire drive home but inside the suite after leading you to your sofa, Maria fixes you with a stern look.

"So how long? And you better be fucking honest with me now."

"A while," you admit.

You tell her about the butterfly's at trivia. You tell her about the kennels he spent hours making for you. You tell her about the ice cream and the park. The way you’d felt when Joel took your hand in his, driving you home after James. You tell her about his finger tracing your lip. You tell her about the kiss at the party. You tell her about how beautiful he kisses and how he told you how he felt. You tell her everything because she’s Maria and not telling her has been hurting you more than you realized. (You don’t tell her about after the party though because. . . Well, some things are sacred to you alone.)

She holds you and she wipes your tears when you tell her about what you said to Joel at the party.

“I am not team Joel by any means, but why didn’t you just call him?”

“I couldn’t, Maria,” you say with a quivering chin. “I just couldn’t let him know that part of my life. Not yet. And now look how quickly he moved on. I was gone for what, a month?”

“Honey,” she says in a way that feels far too maternal coming from a woman near to your age. She pulls you into her arms again and you cry there, hating everything about that night and how much it has ruined. “Look at it this way, he admits everything to you, you leave and don’t call for six weeks. He thinks ‘oh fuck, she doesn’t want me like I want her. I’m an idiot. Plus I have a kid who’s grown attached. I better get out now.’”

“And get with another woman?”

“Joel is a guy. Guys are simple,” Maria explains flatly. “He has an ego and you crushed it when you left and ignored him. So he found a woman who built it back up. Made him feel good. A woman who he can see without it being weird for Sarah. A woman who, let’s be honest, is hot and cool and doesn’t really demand much of Joel aside from his time and attention.”

Maria is right. You know it. Tess is a better fit for Joel and Sarah.

You think back to your childhood, sometime between the good and bad years. You were no more than seven and you came upon an abandoned kitten half buried under leaves in the park, left by its mother. It was small, a runt, and probably hours away from dying.

You'd rushed home with it in your jacket, your little heart pounding as you brought it to your mother. A wise woman with a sensitive heart to animals. Of course she helped you bathe it, feed it, nurse it back to life. For two weeks you and that kitten were inseparable. You held him tightly to you, warming him. You read him stories and you sang sweet melody's as he slept. And he grew, his mewls turning from sad yips to mighty meow's. He began to follow you around the house, playfully nipping at your heels as you squealed with delight.

You told everyone at school about the kitten who you named Marmalade because of his orange color. And one Wednesday two weeks after you discovered him you arrived home to see his blanket at the end of your bed was gone. The carrier you'd bought was missing from the hall closet and when you ran to your mother terrified she had told you what you would ultimately come to know: You'd thought love was enough and it wasn't. The cat needed more. A family that could take better care of it.

You'd sobbed for hours with your mom rocking you in her arms.

"They have lots of money and room for him," your mom had told you as your face pressed into on her shoulder sniffling. "That kitten is going to have a better life then most people. Letting him go was the kindest thing you could have done, sweetheart."

You think of that kitten now as Maria mentions Tess and you realize that once more your love is not enough. Joel will be better off.

You can't keep him.

He's not yours.

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irb-pascalito-99 · 1 month

Text

I Can Keep a Secret

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader (no outbreak AU)

Rating: 18+ MDNI

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: insecurity, jealousy, smut, p in v sex, oral f!receiving, fingering, multiple orgasms, dirty talk, grief

Summary: The relationship between Joel and Ellie’s older sister is complicated after the two share some tense moments while Ellie is in the hospital. Once Ellie is able to go home the two meet up during their lunch break to discuss where to go from here.

A/N: This is an excerpt from chapter eleven on my fic Always an Angel, Never a God. To read more of this pairing check out my a03.

We eat lunch at a diner nearby. The waitress, a tall woman named Esther with thick brown hair and bright blue eyes, comes by the table frequently. She does her best to flirt with Joel, batting her eyelashes and holding his arm as she refills his coffee cup each time she passes by. I fight the urge to say something, a pit of jealousy growing in my stomach each time she reaches out to grab his arm, but Joel doesn’t seem to notice her attention.

She comes by the table again to top off his cup. I watch her manicured hand grip his bicep as she asks if he needs anything else. He looks over at me, raising his eyebrows to ask if I need anything. When I shake my head he briefly thanks her for the coffee and turns his attention back to me.

“So, sounds like you had a long morning. Is it just about Ellie going back to school?” I take a bite of one of my fries.

“For the most part,” I respond. “I also had this meeting with the social worker this morning so…”

Joel nods, giving me space to continue if I want to but not pushing the conversation in any way. I know I should be opening up more. I’m trying not to fall back into my usual isolation, but I keep the wall there. It’s comfortable on the other side, safe.

He notes my apprehension toward continuing the conversation, so he moves on. I watch him rub the back of his neck again. It must be a nervous habit of his.

“So, I wanted to talk to you about the other night,” Joel says.

I take another bite of a fry, fighting the blush creeping up my neck as the memory resurfaces. My body feels hot as I think about it. His hands on my hips. His moans in my ear.

“I just wanted to clear the air a little. It feels like things have been a little tense lately, with the kiss and then the moment at the party. I know you’ve had a lot going on, and I don’t want to pressure you or anything,” He says his words slowly, as if examining each one before he says it.

Esther watched us from the counter, her eyes skipping from him to me. I feel angry watching her assess the situation, like she’s trying to make a claim to something that’s mine. Except, Joel isn’t mine.

I try to ignore Esther and focus on Joel when he continues. “I completely get it, if it was a heat of the moment, just want to feel something, kind of thing. We can just leave it at that and never talk about it again, but I want to know what it is for you.”

What is it for me, the big question. I knew I’d have to define it soon. It’s been keeping me up at night. I think about it while I paint. Every stroke of brown reminds me of his eyes. The golden light filtering through tree lines reminds me of the warmth of his arms around mine.

“I don’t think,” I try to formulate my thoughts. I like him. I know I do, but I have baggage that he shouldn’t have to deal with no matter how much he claims he can handle it. “It wasn’t just a heat of the moment thing. I mean, the moment gave me the courage to act, but I meant it. I wouldn’t take it back. I think I really like you.”

A smile tugs at the edge of his lips. My heart leaps at the gesture. “Me too.”

I bite my lip and push some of the fries back and forth on my plate. He wants me too. My stomach is doing somersaults. I nearly jump up to yell my triumph across the room at Esther, but I think back to Ellie and the promise I made to Marlene.

Jumping into a relationship right now, with Ellie’s best friend’s dad, would put everything I’m working toward in jeopardy. What if something went wrong and it caused issues between Sarah and Ellie? What if Ellie found out and hated me for it? As much as I like Joel I can’t afford any mistakes right now.

“I can’t give you what you deserve though. I can’t give you the whole relationship thing. I have to be careful though,” I blurt out. Joel places his mug back on the table. “In that meeting with the social worker, she said some things. I really like you, but Ellie comes first. Ellie always has to come first.”

“I understand that, I’m the same with Sarah.” Joel responds. He reaches his hands across the table and I take it in mine. “I’ll take you in whatever way I can have you.”

My heart sinks at his concession. It’s sweet, and every girl’s dream, but I don’t feel deserving of it. Why should he be relegated to stolen moments behind closed doors? It’s selfish to ask that of him.

Just then Esther crosses back over to our table. I pull my hand back from Joel’s grasp as she approaches. She grabs his bicep again and I got my teeth.

“Everything alright over here, sugar?” She asks Joel, completely ignoring me.

He flits his eyes up to her face and smiles back at her politely. Blood rushes through my ears as I watch her grip on his arm tighten. Screw it, I’ll be selfish. I grab Joel’s hand again and turn my attention to Esther.

“I think we’re good, thank you.” I respond with my best fake smile. Esther’s eyes move back to me and then my hand holding Joel’s.

“Alrighty then,” she says. She lets go of his arm and sulks away.

—

I rush to unlock the door the second Joel texts me to tell me he arrived. Sure enough, he’s standing on the front porch, the glow of the porch light illuminating the waves in his messy brown hair.

We’ve kept things quiet over the last couple days, being careful not to act any different around other people. It seems best to keep things secret for now. We’re not in a relationship, it’s more casual than anything. I’ve waited all week to get my hands on him. There was no good way to sneak in a visit during the school week, but the girls are having a sleepover at my house tonight. I texted him when they finally fell asleep and he came over immediately.

I look at the empty street around him and then grab a hold of the collar of his shirt and pull him into the house. He grips my hips for support as he follows me inside, smiling against my lips when he leans down to kiss me. I’m careful to close the door and lock it as quietly as I can to ensure the girls stay asleep in Ellie’s room upstairs.

There’s an excited energy coursing through me. I’m not sure whether it stems from the newness of this thing with Joel, the building pressure off barely having seen him sided we agreed to see what this is, or the rush of sneaking him around like a secret to be preserved just for me. Whatever it is, my body aches to feel him, to hold him, to be felt by him.

“Somebody’s excited,” Joel chuckles as he pulls my body closer to his. He kisses me again, deeper this time while he holds my hips against his.

“I need you,” I respond when we break away from each other. Joel squeezes my hips tighter, a low moan escaping his chest.

“Say it again,” Joel pleads.

“I need you, now Joel.” I say again. He whimpers at the sound of it. We don’t have a lot of time together tonight. He still has to head home when we’re done so the girls don’t get suspicious, and I can’t wait any longer. I press a quick peck to his lips and then take his hand to drag him up the stairs.

He quickly follows at my heels. I take him to my bedroom and push him back toward my bed. He topples onto the mattress, his hands gripping the sheets at his sides as I climb on top of him. I press my knees on either side of his thighs and lean down to press delicate kisses along the column of his neck.

“Fuck baby, what’re you-“ he gasps when my hands reach down to his belt buckle.

His body is already twitching under my grasp while I slowly undo his belt and throw it behind me on the floor. I lower his jeans next. His hands move from where they had been grasping the sheets to squeeze the sides of my thighs. I make quick work of his shirt next, pulling the buttons open and kissing down his exposed chest.

I press kisses all the way down his body, nipping and licking at the skin from time to time as well. When I reach the waistband of his underwear I press a kiss to his hip and slowly pull the boxers down his thighs as he throws his head back and groans.

His cock springs out at me, hard as a rock already. I’ve felt how large Joel was through his jeans before, when he pressed me down on his lap to grind against him until I came, but to see it is a completely different thing. Joel is huge, his cock easily bigger than any I’ve ever seen before let alone been with. The tip is already leaking a bead of pre-cum which I happily lick into my mouth.

His hips twitch as my lips press against his tip and he makes a quiet hissing sound through his teeth. I take his reaction as encouragement to continue, licking a delicate stripe up the side of his shaft. His hands tangle in my hair as he desperately fights to keep his moans quiet. I take more of him in my mouth and start bobbing my head up and down.

“Yes baby, god,” Joel groans. “Good girl, you’re doing so good.”

I hum appreciatively at his praise, causing his hold body to shiver and his hips to buckn further into my mouth. I choke slightly at first, but quickly adjust to take more of him down my throat.

He’s having a hard time suppressing his noises now. One of his hands adjusts in my hair to hold it in a makeshift ponytail while the other moves to his mouth. He bites down on his hand to muffle his sounds as he watches me through heavy eyes. I pull up for a moment, swirling my tongue around the tip before sinking my mouth back down again.

“Fuuuuccckk,” he moans around his hand. He starts to thrust his hips up, unable to hold back any longer. I welcome his length deeper into my mouth, the tip of his chock brushing against the back of my throat with each thrust. I continue to moan while my eyes water.

I haven’t always enjoyed this part, many of my boyfriends before were so rough with it, and quick to move on once they got what they wanted, but the sight of Joel coming further and further undone as I take him in my mouth makes me clench my thighs to ease the pressure at my core. I could do this all night, enjoying the feeling of him taking what he wants, but suddenly he pulls me off of him.

“Stop, stop,” he says exasperated. He breath comes out in pants while his cock twitches against his stomach.

“I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?” I ask. Joel leans down and uses his thumb to wipe my cheeks off the tears that escaped while he fucked my throat.

“No baby, that was so good, but if you didn’t stop I was gonna come.” I stick out my bottom lip and pout.

“Isn’t that the point?” I ask. I reach my hand out to start pumping him again, but he grabs my wrist.

“Not before you it isn’t. I gotta be inside you tonight.” I whimper and he pulls me onto the bed.

Joel adjusts our positions so I’m splayed out on the bed with my head on the pillows. He slowly pulls my old t-shirt over my head, revealing my naked breasts. He groans at the sight of them and quickly lick over one of my nipples. My back arches into him involuntarily. It’s my turn now to muffle my sounds as he sucks on my nipple, releasing it with a pop before moving on to the next one.

When he’s satisfied he lowers his lips to nip at the underside of my boob and moves his hands down to push my sweatpants off and onto the floor. He traces his fingers over the center of my soaked panties.

“You’re so wet for me sweetheart,” he says. He moves his lips up to suck on my neck while he moves his fingers in circles over my panties. “She really been needing me that bad?”

I whimper in response, nodding my head in desperation as I squirm underneath him. He flashes a devilish grin.

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll give you what you need.” He promises.

His fingers grip the waistband of my panties and he quickly pulls them off my body as well, leaving me completely bare in front of him. He stands over me, eyes roaming over my figure hungrily.

I move to cover myself, but Joel grabs my wrists and pins them above my head with one hand. His other hand slowly caresses my body while I whimper.

“Don’t you dare cover yourself, you’re too damn gorgeous for that.” He says as his hand moves lower.

He cups my mound and smiles when I buck my hips up for more. He carefully slips one of his fingers through my folds, watching my reaction as I squirm underneath him. I fight to keep my eyes on his face and spread my legs further for him.

His thumb reaches down to gently start making circles on my clit. I throw my head back, panting with my eyes squeezed shut. My back arches and Joel uses one of his hands to pin my hips down.

He slides further down the bed and slips two fingers inside me while his thumb continues to circle my clit. I moan quietly at the new feeling. His fingers are thick. It burns softly as my body stretches to welcome him further, but it’s not enough. I need all of him.

“C’mon baby. C’mon, give it to me.” He says, sending a shock through my whole body as his fingers start to thrust into me harder and faster.

I can feel my climax building. His fingers hurt a spot inside me that causes me to see stars. I bite my lip so hard that I can taste blood. The hands on my hip grips me tighter to keep my ass against the mattress. I climb higher and higher until I break.

I whimper Joel’s name as I come, his eyes never leaving my face while he continues to thrust his fingers in and out of my throbbing pussy. When my orgasm finishes he stops for a brief moment to wrap his arms around my thighs. He pulls his mouth to my core, his breath fanning over my sensitive pussy before he begins licking through my folds.

I thrash underneath him, still sensitive from my orgasm, while he holds me still with his hands on my thighs. He sucks on my clit and then releases it with a pop.

“Knew you’d taste so good,” he groans. He kisses my thigh and immediately goes back to my core.

He thrusts his tongue inside me, swirling his tongue around then going back to sucking on my clit. My fingers card into his hair. One of his hands lets go of my thigh to bring his fingers back to my pussy. I pull on his curls as he slides three fingers inside, immediately finding the spot that makes my toes curl.

He smiles and hums against my clit as my pussy clenches around his fingers. I can already feel my next orgasm building.

“Joel, fuck. Joel.” I chant his name as I feel the edge approach. He moves his fingers faster, his tongue moving in quick motions over my clit as well. When my second orgasm washes over me I rush to cover my mouth to muffle my screams.

He continues lapping my juices as I come down, twitching from the sensitivity. When he’s satisfied he moves back up the bed to my lips and kisses me again. His beard is slick with me and I can taste myself in his tongue.

“You ready for me baby?” He asks when he finally manages to pull his lips off mine. I nod, quickly grabbing a condom out of the nightstand drawer and handing it to him. I need him.

Joel tears the foil open and rolls the condom down his length. Then he reaches down and rubs his cock through my folds. I gasp, tilting my hips against him. He smiles as he rubs the tip against my clit. He notches himself at my entrance and I whimper.

“Please, Joel, I can't wait any longer. I need you, plea-“ he slowly begins to sink into me. “Joel!”

I moan loudly as his cock stretches me open. He moves a hand up to my mouth to stifle my moans, grunting himself as he bottoms out. He is so deep inside me. I’m not sure if I’ve been with anyone as big as Joel before. He pauses once his hips are flush with mine. He reaches down as kisses me as my pussy throbs around him, and then he slowly pulls out almost completely. The breath is forced out of my lungs when he slams back into me.

He sets a steady pace, his cock hitting my g-spot with each thrust. I can already feel the next orgasm building as I focus on his grunts. So good. So good.

Joel moves his thumb down to my clit again. He moves it in small circles as he thrusts into me. My nails rake down his back, sure to leave marks behind, but it just stirs him on.

“That’s it baby, fuck! You gonna come again? You gonna come on my cock?” He asks. I’m dangling over the edge again. I moan out as he thrusts harder.

“Yes Joel, fuck. You feel so good. So fucking good inside me. Fuck! I’m going to come. I’m going to come again.”

My pussy clenches and then I let go, Joel moving his head to bite into my shoulder to keep himself from shouting out while I clench around him. When my orgasm subsides Joel pulls all the way out and flips me around on the bed.

“Hands and knees sweetheart,” he directs. I do as he says, spreading my knees apart for him. He groans as he looks at my glistening folds and then quickly pushes himself back inside me. “Fuck, you’re so good baby. Feel so fucking good wrapped around my cock like that.”

He wraps my hair around his fist and pounds into me hard. Each thrust has his hips slamming into my ass. I’m starting to feel weak after my three orgasms, shaking slightly as my hands try to keep my upper body off the mattress.

A familiar tightening begins in my core. I didn’t know it was possible to orgasm this much in one night, but my next one starts building again. Joel is close too, his thrusts becoming more erratic as he moans more. He leans down to press his chest against my back while continuing his thrusts.

“One more sweet girl,” he whispers in my ear. “Been doing so good for me. Give me one more and then I’ll let go.”

I whimper as I get closer, my fists baking the sheets up tightly as he continues to slam his hips into me. He moves his chest off my back and pulls my hair again which immediately sends me over the edge. My arms collapse and I cry out as the pleasure takes over.

“Good girl, fuck, perfect. You’re perfect.” Joel grunts. He slams his hips into mine once, twice, and then he spills into the condom.

He groans as he lets go, one hand gripping my hips tightly while the other stays tangled in my hair. His body twitches against mine for a couple of minutes until he pulls out, tying the condom and throwing it away. I stay laying on the bed while he slips his boxers on and sneaks across the hall to the bathroom. When he comes back he has a warm washcloth. He gently cleans between my thighs and puts the cloth in the laundry bin before returning to bed.

I immediately wrap a leg around him and put my head on his chest while he lies down. Instinctively, he wraps his arms around me to pull me close.

“If you want to keep this secret I can’t stay all night,” Joel whispers into my hair.

“I know, just a little longer.” I respond. He kisses the top of my head and we rest, listening to the soft sounds of each other's breath until I hear Joel drift into sleep.

—

I watch the clock with bleary eyes as Joel’s chest rises and lowers under my head. He can’t stay all night, despite how much I want him to, so I stay awake.

I memorize the feeling of his hand on my hip, and the rush waving through my hair with each exhale. I draw patterns on his bare chest with my fingertips, lingering on the raised scar tissue in places. I trace the outlines of his sleeping face in my mind, so tranquil. His usual worry lines fade slightly. They’re still pressed into his skin, inevitably they’ll become wrinkles some day, but they’re faint now.

At 5:30 I wake him up. I say his name softly and press gentle kisses to his skin. He stirs slowly underneath me and blinks while he tries to assess his surroundings. His arms instinctively pull me closer to him, causing my body to melt into his.

“They’ll be up in a couple hours, you gotta go,” Joel groans. He buries his face in my hair. I find myself debating if it really would be that bad if they found out. For all we know Sarah and Ellie could love the idea, but now is probably not the time to test that theory.

He presses a kiss to my forehead before he pulls away and sits up. He stretches out his body, grunting at the effort. I slide off the bed and grab his flannel from the floor. Joel watches me put it on with a big smile on his face.

“What?” I ask, blushing. His eyes moved slowly from his oversized flannel hanging on my shoulders to my bare legs underneath.

“Nothin’” he responds, the twang in his voice more evident when combined with the deep tone of his morning voice. “You just look beautiful is all.”

He slips on his boxers and jeans then pulls his socks and shoes back on as well. Before he walks down the hallway I peek into Ellie’s room. Both her and Sarah are still fast asleep, their heads pressed together as they share Ellie’s bed.

Joel looks in on them over my shoulder and then I quietly close the bedroom door. I hold his hand as I sneak him across the hallway and down the stairs. I feel like a teenager again, sneaking my boyfriend down the stairs before my parents can notice.

He lingers at the front door, gripping my jaw and pulling me in for another kiss. His other hand grips my hip over the top of his flannel and pulls me close to him. I tangle my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

When we separate he kisses my forehead one more time and walks out the door. I stay on the doorstep and watch his truck pull away, Joel stopping to wave at me before he makes his way out of the neighborhood.

I try to get some sleep afterward, but I end up just tossing and turning in bed while smiling like an idiot. I look at the click on my nightstand and decide I probably still have a bit of time before Ellie wakes up. I take a deep breath of Joel’s scent in the flannel, taking it off to change into my painting clothes.

I check Ellie’s bedroom door one more time before I slip into our parents’ room. The floor crinkles when I step onto the paper I placed on the hardwood in order to protect it from any paint splatter. I pick up supplies and start a new canvas, absentmindedly stroking my brush across the empty space.

I mix different shades of pink, purple, and blue to create a sunrise, but each color also morphs into the shape of him. The dark brown mountain tops shift into the waves of his hair. The golden peach color of the sky adding highlights to his skin. I lose track of everything but the details of the paint until I hear the sound of a knock at the bedroom door. Shit.

I shift the painting out of view from the door and put my supplies back on the dresser. Ellie is standing at the door when I open it. She looks at me confused before she peers into the room behind me.

“I’m so sorry,” I say. I try to leave the room and close the door, but Ellie grabs it from me and opens it wider.

“What are you?” I stand aside so she can see I haven’t moved any of the furniture. She pinches her eyebrows together and looks at the canvases I have laying around the space.

“Nothing, I’ve just been getting back into painting again and I needed some space,” Ellie walks inside while I stand in the hallway. “I know I should’ve told you first. This was their room and it was off limits. If you’re not comfortable with it I can totally move my stuff out.”

Ellie makes her way around the room, looking at the different paintings I have leaning against the walls. It’s not a large collection, but I’ve managed to get a couple done over the last week. She stops in front of the first painting I completed.

It’s a meadow. Wildflowers bloom in the foreground while two girls play in the distance behind them with the evening sun setting under the mountains. Ellie leans in closer to see the faces of the girls, recognizing them as her and I.

“These are really good,” Ellie says with a smile on her face.

I look at the paintings as well. I don’t like to brag, but I truly do feel like this is some of the best work I’ve ever done. I can visibly see the emotion on every canvas. Each piece tells a story. I’ve painted great art before, but there’s a level of vulnerability to these pieces I’ve never attempted before.

“Thank you,” I respond.

I watch Ellie run her hand across the dresser next. She walks to mom’s closet and holds One of her shirts in her hands as it hangs off the hanger.

“She would’ve loved that you’re painting in here.” Ellie says with her back to me.

Ellie walks back to the painting of her and I. I move to be next to her, both of us focused on the painting. The version of us on the canvas are the girls who don’t yet know tragedy. They dance in a meadow of wildflowers with nothing holding them back. They are girls, they are sisters, they are free to live and love without limits.

“I think it’s okay. This space was meant to be lived in.” Ellie says. I bite my lip and nod. “They’re not coming back.”

Ellie turns to me, my eyes watering a bit as I fight tears. I can’t tell if it was a question, or a statement, but she doesn’t wait for my response.

“It’s time for us to move on I think.” She says. A couple of her own tears slip from her eyes. I reach over and wrap her in a hug. She squeezes me tight as she hugs me back.

“When did you get to be so smart?” I laugh, tears escaping my eyes as well. Ellie’s bedroom door opens and Sarah makes her way across the hall.

Ellie and I both let go, quickly drying our eyes before Sarah can notice. She looks at the art around the room as well.

“Wow, this is so cool! You painted all these?” Sarah asks.

She looks at the one I was just working on. I hold in my breath, hoping she doesn’t notice the similarity to her father. She doesn’t mention anything.

“Yeah, I’ve been getting back into it.” I respond. She moves over to the painting where Ellie and I stand.

“You’re really good.” I thank her. It’s actually kind of exciting to see their reactions to my paintings. It feels as though I’ve regained a piece of me.

The girls look at the different paintings, commenting on the colors I used and debating on what is happening in each one. They both ask me if I can show them how to paint which I happily agree to, it’ll be nice to share something with them the way our mom shared it with me.

When the girls are done assessing my work we go downstairs for breakfast. The girls hurry downstairs to start pulling out the ingredients for blueberry pancakes. I open the bedroom curtains before I go, letting the sunlight enter the room one more. When I leave the room, I keep the door open.

To read more visit a03.

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toko-tuesday · 6 months

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Don't Forget Your Keys (Diluc x Reader)

For definitely not the first, but probably not the last time, the Darknight Hero had overestimated himself. After yet another encounter with the Abyss Order, Diluc found himself dragging his feet through the streets of Mondstadt in the middle of the night. He winced as he covered the bleeding wound on his side with his gloved hand. Despite the pain, Diluc continues on, making his way towards Monstadt’s gate. He’s praying to every Archon above that he doesn’t get spotted.

But eventually, he feels too weak to continue on.

“I won’t make it to Dawn Winery in this condition,” he thinks to himself, leaning his back against a wall as his chest heaves.

His break is short lived as he hears the sound of what would possibly be the eighth Pyro Abyss Mage he’s seen tonight. He swears quietly as he begins to walk again, hoping the monster hadn’t seen him already.

His breath hitches as he remembers something. Your house was nearby. In fact, you had given Diluc your spare key just in case he needed it. He silently thanked the Archons for giving him such a caring and thoughtful partner before he made his way to your doorstep. He leaned against your door as he reached into his pocket to grab the keys you gave him. His blood instantly runs cold when they aren’t there.

He defeated sigh rolls off his lips. Your bedroom was on the top floor of the two story house, meaning he would have to knock loudly to get your attention. With the area still being compromised by the Abyss Order, he wouldn’t want to knock and risk being found by them in his weakened state. Plus, he would feel guilty about waking you. The pain from his battle wound courses through his veins like lighting as he thinks, causing him to groan.

He looks around for something, anything, that could get your attention without making too much noise. His gaze falls upon a nearby flowerpot. He sighs, rolling his eyes at the pathetically cliche idea that’s formed in his head. He quietly shuffles over to the flower pot, reaches into it, and pulls out a few small stones. He shamefully shakes his head to himself before looking up to the window of your bedroom.

One by one, he begins to weakly throw the stones. They each bounce off your window with a rhythmic “wa-pap!” sound. He pauses for a few seconds between each one, just in case you wake up and open the window. He begins to lose hope as the pain from his wound becomes more intense with every throw. He looks down at his hand, eyebrows furrowing as he realizes that he’s quickly made it to his last stone. Though he doesn’t believe in it, he kisses it for good luck before throwing it at your window… maybe a little too hard.

The sound of shattering glass jolts you awake. You’re practically panting from fear as you sit up in your bed. You turn your head to identify where the rude awakening came from, only to see your bedroom window has been broken. You light the lantern on your bedside table, and begin to investigate. You make your way over to the window, careful to avoid stepping on any of the glass shards or the small stone lying amongst them.

You cautiously look out your broken window and see a familiar silhouette. You rub your eyes to make sure you aren’t dreaming, but doing this only makes your vision clearer. There, in the middle of the street, stands an embarrassed and extremely guilty looking Diluc.

“What the fuck, Diluc?” you whisper-yell, not wanting to wake up your still sleeping neighbors.

A string of apologies fall from your partner’s lips before he explains, “I forgot my keys, love. I was just trying to get your attention, but it… backfired.”

You sigh and roll your eyes as you make your way downstairs. You unlock your door and motion for Diluc to come in. He quickly enters your partially shared house, quickly shutting and locking the door behind him like he’s running from something. “Diluc?” you begin to ask, surprised by the redhead’s out of character behavior.

He doesn’t meet your concerned eyes, his chest rising and falling heavily as he leans his back against the door.

By now all the color has drained from his face. The bangs of his fiery red hair are stuck to forehead by the cold sweat streaming down his face. Your eyes trail down to his gloved hand which has been firmly planted against his side since you saw him. He winces as you gently intertwine your fingers with his, slowly pulling his hand away so you can see what’s wrong. You gasp upon seeing the long, heavily bleeding gash on his side.

“Archons above,” you whisper as you look up from Diluc’s wound to meet his eyes.

Thankfully, you look up just in time to see Diluc’s eyes flutter shut. You brace yourself as his body becomes limp and falls towards you. You use every ounce of your strength to keep him from colliding with the floor. You begin to slowly guide him to the living room couch.

“‘Mmmsorry…” he mumbles as he slowly starts to regain consciousness.

He groans as you help him sit down.

“Stay here. Don’t move a muscle,” you say, before making your way to the kitchen.

“Couldn’t if I wanted to,” he replies quietly, his half lidded eyes following you.

From your cabinet, you pull out a small box of medical supplies, along with a white cloth. You set the supplies down on your living room table before returning to your kitchen. You then grab the loaf of bread you made earlier, cutting off a slice for your wounded partner. You bring it to him with a glass of water.

You sit down beside him on the couch, bringing the glass to his lips. His head falls back as you help him drink the water. After a few sips, you move the glass away as a drop of water rolls from Diluc's lips. You gently wipe it away with your thumb. You sigh with concern at how weak he's become.

"Let's get these off of you," you say, tugging at his heavy leather jacket.

You're pretty much puppeteering the crimson eyed man as you stand in front of him, helping him out of his blood soaked gloves, jacket, plethora of belts, and his disheveled white vest that was now stained red in some spots. He reaches his weak, trembling hands up to his neck to undo his tie. You gently push them down into his lap, sighing as you remove the fabric for him.

Now for the most emotionally taxing part. You slowly undo the buttons of his torn undershirt, silently praying that Diluc’s wounds wouldn’t be as bad as they seemed once you could see them better. Your prayers unfortunately fall deaf upon the Archons’ ears as Diluc’s shirt rolls off his shoulders. Apart from the bleeding wound, his whole torso was littered with fresh bruises and cuts. Your hand flies to your mouth at the sight.

“Diluc…” you say, barely above a whisper, “Honey, what happened?”

He turns his head to avoid looking into your worried eyes.

“Abyss Order,” he mumbles, causing another sigh to escape your lips.

You grab a small vial of medicine from your box of supplies. You pour a moderate amount of it on the white cloth before gently pressing it against Diluc’s wound. He hisses at the contact.

“So, is it safe to assume that the Darknight Hero got his ass handed to him tonight?” you ask as you carefully swipe the cloth over the gash.

Diluc “hmph!”s in response before saying, “Well, maybe someone has to get a little roughed up to keep this city safe from the horrors of the night.”

He winces again as you continue to clean his wound.

“This isn’t ‘a little’, Diluc,” you say, matter-of-factly.

With help from the medicine and applied pressure, the wound has stopped bleeding. Now that you can see it clearly, it isn’t awful. Still pretty bad, but not awful.

You give him the slice of bread you had cut for him. He quietly takes small bites out of it while you begin to tend to his smaller cuts and bruises, placing small drops of medicine and bandages over them. You then reach into your med box once more and pull out a roll of bandages. You position yourself so that you’re now straddling Diluc’s lap. You place his aching arms on your shoulders. They rest there as you start to wrap the bandage around his waist, covering his now medicated wound.

“You know,” you begin as you continue to doctor your partner, “It seems a little unfair that the safety of Mondstadt is on a single man’s shoulders when we already have guards and whatnot.”

For the first time tonight, Diluc turns to face you. He studies your face, taking in how focused you look while trying to secure the bandages around him.

“Mondstadt wouldn’t need me to protect it if the Knights of Favonius weren’t so damn incompetent,” he retaliates, his voice coated in annoyance.

You scoff at Diluc’s comment as you give the bandage wrap one last tug before securing it.

“Oh, so proving you’re better than the Knights is worth more than your own life?” you ask sarcastically, your eyebrows furrowing in frustration.

“Absolutely. Without a single doubt,” he sternly replies through gritted teeth.

You groan so loudly that it practically comes out as a scream. Before you know it, you’re off of Diluc’s lap and pacing around your living room, while he continues to sit on the couch with his arms crossed over his well bandaged torso.

“I just don’t understand it, Diluc,” you say, stopping in your tracks to face him, “I know you don't see eye-to-eye with the Knights of Favonius, but risking your life every night isn’t the way to go about this! Why do you insist on dancing with death for the sake of proving a point?”

You feel your face become hot with anger when your question is met with silence. You fight back tears as you watch Diluc continue to avoid your gaze by staring at the wall.

“You are so fucking stubborn. Would it be too much for you to just consider your own well-being for once?”

The tears that you’ve been fighting begin to make themselves known as they stream down your face.

“Because you aren’t being careful,” your words become broken as your sentences turn to sobs, “And I’m tired of being scared that you won’t be able to see tomorrow if you step out that door.”

You don’t know how you ended up there, but you find yourself kneeling on the floor, sobbing loudly into your hands. Before you can even process anything else, Diluc is on the floor with you, holding your trembling body against his chest.

“I’m sorry… I’m so so sorry,” he whispers over and over again, “I never intended to make you cry.”

His large, warm hands cup your face as he wipes away your tears with his thumbs. He places soft kisses on your forehead as he continues to apologize to you until you’ve calmed down.

“I… didn’t realize how much this was affecting you,” he says, quietly.

“Clearly not, asshole,” you mumble, but he still hears.

He lets out a soft chuckle at your brutally honest reply.

“Then, I’ll make you a promise. After tonight, the Darknight Hero will no longer make nightly appearances. You’ll only hear about him when the city needs him the most. And I’ll try to be more cautious. Okay?”

You tilt your head up upon hearing Diluc’s proposition. You scan his face for any hint of deception. His tired crimson eyes look back at you, filled with nothing but honesty. Nevertheless, you hold up your pinky, never once breaking eye contact with him.

“Are you serious?” he asks, laughing softly at your childish gesture.

You don’t say anything. You reply by raising your eyebrows and waving your pinky in a slow circle.

Diluc sighs, wrapping his pinky around yours before bringing your hand to his lips to place a soft, apologetic kiss on it.

Soon, waves of exhaustion crash into you, reminding you of how late it’s become.

“Let’s go to bed,” Diluc says as he pulls you into his lap.

He brings you as close as he possibly can to his chest before standing with you in his arms. His weak legs shake as he tries to gain his balance. “Don’t push yourself,” you say, gently placing a hand on your shoulder.

He replies with a soft kiss on your nose as he begins to make his way up the stairs to your, and sometimes his, bedroom.

Once in the room, he’s reminded of how he woke you up in the first place as he gently sets you down on the bed.

“I’ll make sure that gets fixed,” he says, referring to your shattered window.

“I sure hope so,” you reply with a yawn.

He carefully makes his way to the other side of the bed, trying to avoid stepping on any of the glass shards still on the floor. He kicks off his boots before getting underneath the duvet covers with you. You bury your face into his chest as one of his arms snakes around your waist, pulling you closer to him. The sound of his heartbeat and shallow breathing begin to slowly send you back to sleep.

But suddenly, you and Diluc hear a sound that makes both of your bodies tense up. It’s the familiar sound of a lone Abyss Mage still roaming the streets of Mondstadt.

“Shit,” Diluc whispers, recalling the monster he hid from moments before coming to your house.

He gives you a pleading look, knowing he won’t be able to sleep if he doesn’t take care of the problem now.

You sigh, giving Diluc an affirming nod. He gives you a small, thankful smile before he pulls you in for a kiss. He kisses you slowly and longingly, like he’s apologizing for having to leave again.

“Don’t forget your keys,” you mumble sleepily against his lips as he continues to kiss you.

He chuckles softly, thanking you for the reminder.

“I’ll be back before dawn. I promise,” he says as he slowly begins to shuffle out of bed.

He begins to rummage through your wardrobe, searching for some of the clean clothes he’s left behind. He settles on a white button up.

“What else do you promise?” you tease, as you watch him button up his shirt in the moonlight.

“I… promise I’ll be careful?”

“And?”

“And… I promise your window will be fixed first thing tomorrow morning.”

“Atta boy.”

You roll over on your side, snuggling into your warm pillows with a sleepy smile. Diluc hums softly as he makes his way back to you. He plants a gentle kiss on your cheek before saying, “I love you”. You hum back in response, already being pulled back into another dream. Diluc smiles as he makes his way back downstairs. This time he makes sure his keys are in his pocket before leaving the house. He’s going to need them if he genuinely intends to keep his promises to you.

#genshin impact oneshots #diluc ragnvindr #diluc x reader #genshin diluc #diluc x you #accepting commissions #genshin impact #one shot #a03 fic

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