#no hate to lewis i love him and i hope he's gonna give good changes at ferrari im just sad that carlos has to pack up and leave | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

olivia091108 · 4 months

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HEYY gal!! Love your stuff, could I req a fic where reader is the guitarist in H.I.M and is Bams celeb crush ( he’s still a celeb ofc ) buttt hope Yk what I mean!! 😭🫶

Yesss I’ve been listening to H.I.M and I’m really excited to write this hope it’s good

Guitar strings and romantic strings

Summary: filming HIMs new mv

Pairing: bam margera x reader

Word count: 1.6k

We are filming our new music video buried alive by love today and I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to meet everyone at some mansion in la so my manager got me on a plane as soon as saying that the others were already there. I hate filming music videos because it’s always some grouchy 60 year old who has never even heard of us before but this time bam margera is actually directing the whole thing.

I’ve met him a few times with the rest of the band but he didn’t really take a liking to me he just wanted to talk to the boys. It kinda annoyed me cos I thought he seemed pretty cool and wanted to get to know him. I’m gonna make it my goal that by the time he’s going back to the states I’ve had at least 1 good conversation with him.

A cab picks me up from the airport and it doesn’t take too long to get to the set. Once I’ve paid the driver I’m quickly rushed in by random people telling me that I need to be quick and some girls come over with an outfit telling me to change. They’ve given me a black mini skirt wich is very mini and a black zip up top that shows of my tits.

I quickly walk over to where the band is greeting them quick. Then I walk over to bam ready to strike up a conversation.

“Hey bam I haven’t seen you in ages how are you?” He stares at me for a sec and I thought he was just going to ignore me but he nods his head

“Yeah Umm Im good” he quickly says before going over to frantz.I turn in my heal and go see what ville is up to. We are taking for a while before bam tells us to play the song the whole way through so I grab my guitar and wait for Jukka to count me in.

Once we finish playing Juliet Lewis arrives since she's going to be the girl playing billed love interest in the music video I was excited to see her I loved her stuff.

Once she had introduced herself to everyone and Joe was setting up the shots and lenses whatnot me and Juliet started talking and we hit it off we have a lot in common and honestly it was nice for the both of us to have another girl around.

but soon she had to film so I walked over to Joe and bam and started to watch what was happening I stood behind bam leaning on the back of the chair and would glance over at him every few seconds. I wanted to talk to him but I didn't know what about so I said the first think that came to my head.

“What colour would you be?” As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it.

Uhhhm I don’t know what you mean he says before turning away from me

“Like yk if you were a coulour what one would you be for instance I’d love to be like a magentary purple but I hate to say I think I’d be like a greeny blue but not the nice turquoise more like a dull boring one” I started to rant by accident and bam just kinda stared.

It was awkward for a sec of me waiting for his answer and if I’m honest he looked bored but thank god Joe was there. “I’d be orange I think”

“Omg yess you so would like a nice tangerine kind” I say getting excited which we both laughed at and I can see bams lip curl up almost like a smile.

“Your’e turn bam” i say putting my attention on him again. I don’t know yellow?

Nooo no definitely not you would be like either a nice navy blue but like lighter by a smidge you are like a nice purple like when I say purple the one You think of but more punk.

“Oh yeah” Joe chimes in before focusing on the camera making sure to follow ville and just like that conversation done and he only said like 10 words maybe I think I’m just gonna give into the fact that not everyone has to like me.

“Cut”bam yells and ville and Juliet walk over listening to what will happen in the next bit before Juliet comes over to me. “What’s got you in a sour mood?”

“Bam doesn’t like me” I say sulking like a little girl with my head in my palms. “Are you crazy of course he does”

“No he doesn’t eveytime I even try to talk to him he just isn’t interested and just shut me down straight away and he can barely even look at me” and do you know what I hear from me telling her my struggles

Laughing

She’s laughing.

I giggle and push her “it’s not funny I’m serious”she’s hysterical now and trying to get a sentence out

“Y/n I love you but your’e really dumb” i look at her confused not knowing what she meant. “He likes you”

“No I just told you he can’t stand me”

“Y/n listen he has a crush on you it’s obvious he can’t look at you and I hear him stutter and fumble his words kudus he would probably implode if you even touch him” I think about what she’s saying but I can’t wrap my head around it

“Nah there’s no way”

“Ok yk what go over there and tell him his hair is messed up and quickly fix it for him and then you will believe me.”

Ok I will I get up and walk over to bam and ville sitting in their chairs pretending to listen to their conversation for a sec before looking towards bam and interrupting ville.” Sorry your hair is kinda crazy” I lean up and mess with it a bit not even realising his face is practically in my boobs. But I rake my acrylic nails through it and ruffle it softly before removing my hands and seeing his face the same colour as my guitar.

I then smile to myself and restrain myself from running to Juliet. Once I get to her I smile and admit she was right followed by an expected “I told you”

“What do I do? Do I ask him out? Wait I don’t even know if I like hi-“

“Oh please cmon y/n of course you do you wouldn’t want him to like you that much if you didn’t. I blush at her words realising she’s right.”

“Please help me” I put my hands together and beg her batting my eyelashes at her. “Alright we’re going to the bar later and you are gonna ask him out their simple”

The rest of the day I am just thinking about bam and how I was so oblivious about his feelings and mine. Want a drink? I snap my head up so fast I heard a crack in my neck I look to see bam standing infront of me waiting for an answer. “Oh um just some water please”

Once the days over we all walk to a bar down the road and straight away get a round in of beers. Im embarrassed to say I’m a huge leightweight so after 2 rounds I’m on the brink of drunk and when I’m drunk I am very touchy so I’ve heard.

Remembering what Juliet told me to do I stumble over to bam allay knocking a table of drinks over but once I reach him I use him to balance myself by wrapping my arms round his neck and staring up at him.

I couldn’t see his eyes as he was wearing his blacked out sunglasses so I reach up and lift them to rest on his hair. I mumble out “I like your eyes I couldn’t see them” and smile to myself

Whoever bam was talking to before had left after my sudden intrusion but I didn’t even realise. “Yknow I’m not meant to be telling you this but” I start giggling at what I’m about to say and whisper in his ear “ I have a crush on you”

He smirks and looks down and says a teasing “really” I nod up at him basically leaning my whole body weight in him and subconsciously scratching at his curls “and I know you like me back so are you going to do anything about it” I ask smugly

He rests both his hands at the undersides of my jaw rubbing small circles making me tigglish and giggling before he pulls my face towards his and I feel his soft lips against mine and I kiss him back and bring him closer and deepen the kiss forgetting we’re surrounded by all our friends and not even aware of Joe filming us but even if I had I wouldn’t of cared as long as I was still kissing bam.

He pulls away with his eyes dilated looking like he took the best drugs in his life before smiling and kissing me again this time letting his hand wander to my bum and giving it a firm squeeze and rubbing it almost causing my skirt to lift.

This time I pull away and take his hand and shout way too loudly a good bye and waving towards Juliet and holding up me and bamd held hands excitedly befire running up the bar stairs and feeling bam hold my skirt down making me not false anybody and asked the first person I saw

“where’s the closest hotel?”

I hope this is ok sorry it took so long

Gonna be honest I thought this was posted like a week ago and I was thinking I haven’t got any notifications or anything and I check and I realise it hadn’t even been posted so sorry about that

Taking requests

Might do a Johnny one soon

-liv

#bam margera imagine #liv’s writing #jackass x reader #bam margera x reader #bam margera #him #h.i.m

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omegalomania · 3 years

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I think tumblr ate my ask or it just didn't sent but what are your favorite Bastille songs / what are some songs you recommend?

i did NOT get this ask im very sorry anon.

it's genuinely hard for me to narrow down cause bastille is pretty up there in terms of favorite artists. i love all their shit, but a special mention goes out to their second studio album wild world since it's the one that made me a Fan

uh so here's a primer i guess i spent too much time on this lmao.

if you wanna listen to their big hits:

flaws - their first single in the uk. if you ever listened to ship playlists on 8tracks in like 2013-2015 then you've probably heard this song or a variant on it at some point.

pompeii - this is the song that really put them on the map and you definitely know it. it dominated the charts all over the place.

happier - the marshmello song that you've definitely heard before too. i think bastille wrote this for justin bieber or some shit but then decided they liked it too much to give it to him? lmao. anyway if you're not digging the version you hear on the radio all the time i recommend trying the stripped down version

good grief - their big hit off their second album. big in the uk, didn't really make as many waves elsewhere, but it's a really solid song anyway. one of those "upbeat tunes that's actually really fucking sad" ones

things we lost in the fire - another one off their first album. if you live in a wildfire area this might not be one to turn to. or maybe you'll find it cathartic idk i certainly do!!

quarter past midnight - a song about escapism, as was fitting when it was released in 2018 and equally fitting now. running away for a night of fucking around with friends, craving any kind of brief departure from the chaos of the modern world

skulls - this one was not a hit or a single and is technically a bonus track but i'm including it because once again if you ever clicked on a ship playlist on 8tracks in like 2013-2015 you've heard this one. and you know what that was justified this one is also good

if you wanna feel existentially depressed:

their whole discography. i mean i kid but i also don't. that's just kind of how bastille does it. BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS ones that hit me in particular would beeee

two evils - kind of a grim, haunting one introspecting about morality of the self.

oblivion - musing about the afterlife, love, and how time changes all of us.

those nights - contemplating what it is we seek when we plunge into reckless escapism, and the inherent loneliness of it; how even when surrounded by people there's still the pressure of the world outside, continuously coming to pieces

the draw - this one was written about the pull of pursuing a career in music vs. staying home with family and friends. in a broader sense, it can apply to a lot of things. i always felt it resonated with feelings of paranoia and displacement

winter of our youth - discusses childhood, nostalgia, and regret. if it feels like everything's slipping away, is it easier to relive the past, especially if the past is tinted rose?

sleepsong - loneliness, desperation, and the cyclical, abyss-like nature of all it encapsulates

if you want discussion of serious topics:

final hour - a bonus track off their second album that also became a bonus track off their third album? anyway this song talks about climate change and gun control. happy stuff

doom days - this one talks about, uh, everything! doomscrolling, political divides, escalating national tensions, climate change again, etc.

the currents - a song centered on political rhetoric and the power that figureheads have over the masses, the way they can orchestrate hate. basically it's not so subtly aimed at donald trump lmao, dan's literally sung it as much in a few live settings

WHAT YOU GONNA DO??? - social media addiction and the way capitalism and corporate interests have annexed our online experiences, fighting desperately for our attention as they seek to monetize every available aspect of our lives

four walls (the ballad of perry smith) - well this one is about uh. perry smith. who was charged with the death penalty for killing 4 people in the late 50's. but it's less directly about him and more a discussion of the morality of the death penalty and capital punishment

snakes - burgeoning anxieties and the impulse to turn to easy outs, like ignorance or alcoholism, to escape the world's global problems

if you want some pop culture sprinkled on top:

icarus - greek mythology. i like this one because it addresses something that i feel isn't addressed enough in discussions of this myth, which is that icarus is a very young lad. less about the pride of the fall, and more about the inherent tragedy of that.

laura palmer - the whole song is a david lynch shoutout. i've never seen twin peaks myself but the song still slaps.

daniel in the den - christian mythology. discusses the biblical tale of daniel in the lion's den and links that up to themes of betrayal and family.

poet - this one's a double feature, referencing both william shakespeare's sonnet 18 and edmund spencer's sonnet 75. also one of my favorites.

send them off! - this is another one of my favorites of theirs. it's also been described by dan as "othello meets the exorcist" and it very much delivers there

if you want something uplifting:

joy - while bastille (understandably) has a bit of reputation as a band that makes sad music about sad things, they've definitely got some happier songs in their catalogue. pun intended cha ching. this one's one of their more straightforwardly happy tunes

survivin' - this was a song they wrote while they were touring and then felt weird about releasing once the panini hit because it felt a bit on the nose. they ended up releasing it anyway and i am so glad they did cause it's a mood

act of kindness - the "happy" part here is debatable but i'm gonna include it anyway. it’s when someone does something nice for you and that impulse Changes you way down deep you know???

warmth - one of those "the world's going to shit but at least we have each other" kinds of tunes

the anchor - one of those "the world's going to shit but you're the one fucking thing that's still keeping me here" kinds of tunes

give me the future - their latest single as of this writing and one of the more optimistic tracks in their catalogue imo! it's yearning, but it's also with a genuine hope for the future.

and LASTLY. because im going to take every chance i can to plug this band. im going to throw some collabs and covers at you because there's one thing this band does SUPER well and it's collabs and covers.

of the night - this is the big one. it mashes up rhythm of the night by corona and rhythm is a dancer by SNAP! and it's so good they still do this one live and it goes off every time.

no angels - a mashup of "no scrubs" by TLC and "angels" by the xx, poured into a strangely mournful tune with clips from the hitchcock movie psycho. doesn't sound like it should work but it does. kinda really does.

torn apart - with GRADES and lizzo no less!!! it's got two parts but they're both excellent listen to them both

weapon - collab with angel haze, dan priddy, and F*U*G*Z and one of my absolute favorites

remains - remix of their song "skulls" but featuring rag'n'bone man and skunk anansie that adds an entire new dimension to the song, really fucking excellent

old town road mashup - lil nas x's old town road meets lizzo's good as hell meets radiohead's talk show host meets talking heads' road to nowhere meets the osmond's crazy horse. "what the fuck that shouldn't work" i KNOW and yet here it is!! BLATANTLY BANGING!!!

we can't stop - one of the few times dan smith subtly changes the lyrics of the song he's covering (most of the time he opts to keep the original pronouns and the like, which is very nice to see). anyway this one mixes miley cyrus's we can't stop with eminem's lose yourself and billy ray cyrus's achy breaky heart. and also the lion king's i just can't wait to be king is there. yes i know it sounds batshit especially because the whole thing is surprisingly melodic and heartfelt and you know what it works.

anyone but me x nightmares - mashing up joy crookes' anyone but me with easy life's nightmares and absolutely one of my favorites.

bad guy mashup - how many songs can they include with the word "bad" in the title? we've got bad guy (billie eilish), bad decisions (bastille), bad romance (lady gaga), and bad blood (taylor swift). bastille even has a song called bad blood and they didnt use it. they used taylor swift's version. also the distinctive guitar riff from dick dale's misirlou is there.

somebody mashup - how many songs can they include with the word "some" in the title? someone like you (adele), somebody told me (the killers), somebody to love (queen), use somebody (kings of leon), and someone you loved (lewis capaldi). seriously these guys take mashups to a new level.

final song - this is a cover of MØ's final song. it also adds in craig david's 7 days and, impossibly enough, europe's final countdown. how does it work. how.

ALL RIGHT. THATS ALL IVE GOT IN ME. HOPE THIS HELPED ANON AND IM SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH

#askin hours #anon #bastille #ill put this in the bastille tag why not #this is predominantly a fall out boy blog but if any bastille bloggers are out there....all like 20 of you....#i see the work u do in this fandom and i love u for it

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horansqueen · 3 years

Text

Stuck With You - Chapter 18

Chapter 18: I Want You

🡪chapter 1 🡪chapter 2 🡪chapter 3 🡪chapter 4 🡪chapter 5 🡪chapter 6 🡪chapter 7 🡪chapter 8 🡪chapter 9 🡪chapter 10 🡪chapter 11 🡪chapter 12 🡪chapter 13 🡪chapter 14 🡪chapter 15 🡪chapter 16 🡪chapter 17

College Enemies To Lovers AU

characters // masterlist // instagrams // mood board

Any time I need to see your face I just close my eyes and I am taken to a place Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings taken shelter In the base of my spine, sweet like a chica cherry cola

I don't need to try and explain, I just hold on tight And if it happens again, I might move so slightly To the arms and the lips and the face and the human cannonball I need to, I want to

Come stand a little bit closer Breathe in and get a bit higher

Ooh, I want you I don't know if I need you But, ooh, I'd die to find out Ooh, I want you I don't know if I need you But, ooh, I'd die to find out

But a look, then a smell of perfume It's like I'm down on the floor And I don't know what I'm in for

click here to be on the update list

NIALL

My phone had been ringing and beeping constantly in the past hour. Every time I checked, though, it was a new call or message from Mandy and I was desperately trying to avoid talking to her. I knew I wouldn't be able to run away from her for too long but I was determined to at least try. I marked all her text messages as 'read' and got out of my car again, getting inside Lewis' apartment building for the second time on that day.

I felt nervous and I was not sure why, but I kept twisted the insides of my jeans pockets as the elevator moved up. My heart skipped a beat when I glanced at the spot where Devon and I kissed but I swallowed my feelings and quickly walked out of the elevator. It didn't take long for Lewis to open the door and when I walked in, I noticed he had cleaned up everything. I was impressed, especially when I remembered the mess we had made, but I didn't mention it.

"You know you don't have to come visit many times a day, mate." Lewis pointed out before his lips curled. "No need for me to get used to your ass in this apartment, your girlfriend messaged me and said it was too expensive for her."

I wanted to point out that she was not my girlfriend and never would be but the words got stuck in my throat and I decided it was better to ignore it and not fuel the fire. I took my hands off my pockets and passed one in my hair with a sigh.

"Look, Devon really needs a place to stay."

"I thought you'd be happy to keep her with you in your room." Lewis wondered with a frown.

I took a seat on the other couch, close to him and shook my head. "She wants out, okay." I explained, shaking my head slightly before sighing again and leaning my back on the couch. "I mean, she really wants to leave."

Lewis stared at me, frowning slightly more, and finally moved his upper body closer. "That's how much you love her?" he asked in a soft tone, making me shrug. "Enough to let her go?"

"Don't say stupid things."

"No, you say stupid things, Horan." he added a bit louder. "Instead to love her enough to let her go, why don't you love her enough to be honest with her? I've seen the way she's been looking at you. She's literally waiting for you to make a move."

"I've hurt her enough already okay?" I replied a bit rudely. "She wants out and if that's what she wants then that's what she'll get."

This time, Lewis didn't answer but he rolled his eyes at me, letting his back fall on the couch. "You're a fookin' idiot."

"Thanks, I know."

"You let one girl fuck you up, and then you fuck the others. Nice move." he replied again with sarcasm.

"Fine, sue me!" I let out, now getting angry. "I'm just here to ask you to send her a message again, and tell her you'll charge her half of the rent you proposed first."

Lewis raised his eyebrows at me, blinking a few times. I knew he was getting annoyed but I didn't care. "Why would I do that?"

"I'll pay you the other half." I explained, closing my eyes. "But you can't tell her! Ever."

My friend stared at me and I knew he wanted to add something about the girl that broke my heart and fucked me up to the point where I rejected any form of romantic love, but he didn't and I felt grateful for that. It's not like I was not aware that it was not a normal thing. I knew people fell in love, fucked up other people, hurt them, got their heart broken... and started all over again. Most people had this urge and this need to love and be loved, knowing they could get hurt but hoping they won't. I didn't have that need, because I felt like the happy times were not worth the pain. I couldn't lie and say Devon didn't make all my principles falter, but I was trying hard not to do to anything about it, despite how bad I was craving it... how bad I was craving her.

"Propose her a ride to school every morning." Lewis finally said, taking me out of my thoughts. I blinked a few times and frowned before shaking my head. "Seriously, do it." he continued. "If you do that, I'm good with you paying half the rent and not telling her."

I stared at him for a few seconds before looking down. I liked the idea but I was not sure she'd agree to it. I also was pretty convinced it was a bad idea. How could I stop feeling all these things for her if I spent time with her every single day? Anyway, the reason she wanted to move out of our room was because she didn't want to be around me anymore, and picking her up for school every week days sounded counterproductive.

"Why does it matter so much to you?" I finally asked, looking up at him as he got up but totally resigned to do what he asked me to do.

"Because even if you pretend the opposite, it really matters to you." Lewis confessed, making something stir in my stomach. "So, we have a deal?"

I got up too, glancing at the hand he was holding out before looking up in his eyes. I would never tell him, but if Devon agreed to let me give her a ride to school every morning, it would make my heart lighter. As much as I hated to admit it, I took so many decisions with my heart recently that there was no doubt I'd end up in deep shit very soon. Did the fact that Devon was about to move out make me change my mind? Would it turn me into the pathetic human being I was whenever she was near? The same one I used to be around my ex girlfriend right before and even after she broke my heart?

"Deal." I just let out firmly, grabbing his hand and shaking it hard once before letting it go.

"I want my money every saturday and you're the one driving here to give it to me, making it your problem."

"Ever heard of bank transfers?" I asked with a scoff.

"I want it cash."

I knew he just wanted me to come over and I understood why but I was too mentally exhausted to argue and maybe it would also give me the chance to see Devon. I should run away from here and break all the deals I had made with Lewis but I couldn't. I was tired to fight, I was tired to repress everything I was feeling in hope it would disappear.

"Okay, but you don't ask for the money in front of Devon."

"Who do you think I am? An idiot?"

I chuckled but rolled my eyes before nodding, grateful for what he was doing. It was tough to push away someone who made me feel so many things. It felt like every fiber of my body, everyone around me, and even fate and destiny made it impossible for me to stay far from Devon. I knew deep down that I couldn't stay physically away from her forever. It felt like my own body was going to rot or die if she'd stay far, and I knew it was a stupid example but those were the only words I could come up with. Perhaps it was not really that. Perhaps it was just that my heart would stop beating, but either way, I was not ready to let go. Not completely.

I wanted to thank Lewis for everything but just as I was about to, someone knocked at the door, making me jump slightly. I moved away to let Lewis pass but when I heard the voice on the other side, I felt my heart jump in my chest.

"Lewis, are you there?" Mandy's voice let out in a soft tone. "I forgot something last night!"

I placed my hand on Lewis' chest as he walked past me and looked up in his eyes, shaking my head. "I'm not here." I mouthed, making him frown and throw his hands up.

"You're gonna have to face her at some point, right now is perfect." he replied in a whisper, walking up to the door and opening it before I could think of something else to do or a good place to hide.

As soon as her eyes met mine, I pushed my hands in my pockets and her face lighted up.

"Niall, hey, tried to reach you all day!"

"Yea, sorry my.. phone was on silent." I lied, sending her a small smile. "I was about to call you back as soon as I left."

"I just feel very lonely today." she pointed out, sending me puppy eyes as she took a step closer, putting her hand on my chest. "Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?"

My eyes roamed on her face for a few seconds as she gripped my shirt. I knew looking at her should make me feel something, but nothing happened. It was not because I was used to her, or because I had had too much sex encounters with her, no. It was simply because I felt nothing for her and probably never felt anything except lust. The fact that i didn't feel any desire for her anymore was a shock and my lips parted as I blinked a few times.

"I'm busy... tonight." I cleared my throat and took a step back, turning to Lewis to hug him lightly and tell him goodbye. I could feel Mandy's eyes on my back and it suddenly made me feel uncomfortable. When I turned back to her, she raised her eyebrows and I smiled. "Do you need a ride?"

"Yea, thank you! Let me just grab my bra really quick."

I frowned, turning to Lewis who just shrugged as Mandy disappeared in the hall only to reappear a minute of two later as she pushed her bra in her purse. I didn't ask because I didn't want to know and as we left, I glanced at Lewis' phone and moved my chin in its direction. He just nodded and I followed Mandy to the elevator.

I watched as she leaned against the wall in the exact same spot Devon and I had kissed but closed my eyes as images invaded my brain, appearing behind my eyelids like a movie I could never get tired of.

"Are you okay, Niall?"

I got out of my thoughts, trying to push away the thoughts in my head where Devon was straddling me and I was kissing her lips gently after a claustrophobia crisis, to turn to Mandy. "Yea, I'm good."

We walked together until my car and I drove in silence. She put her feet up on the dashboard and I felt my lips curl into a small grimace at how annoyed it made me but when I parked, I turned to her with a serious face.

"Look, Mandy, I think we need a break."

"A break?" she let out before chucking. "Niall, we're not dating."

"I know I just.. I can't do this anymore."

She tilted her head to lean it on the bench before turning her body slightly my way. She sighed low and a sad smile appeared on her lips before she licked them. For some stupid reason, it made me think of Devon. Again.

"It's because of that girl, right?"

"No." I lied, shrugging both shoulders and looking away, making Mandy laugh.

"I didn't even name her and you knew who I was talking about." she pointed out, making me grimace again. "It's okay, Niall, I see how you two look at each other. I didn't think she was your type but hey," she shrugged. "I get it."

I stared at her for a few more seconds, just trying to process what she was saying and when I frowned, she started laughing, rolling her eyes.

"Don't make this face! What did you expect?" she asked, an amused smile spread on her lips. "It's not like I was in love with you or anything!"

Without waiting, she got out of my car and I finally did the same. We walked together near the building and when we were about to part, I turned to her and sent her an uncomfortable smile.

"So... bye?"

She laughed again, shaking her head, and took a step closer. "I'm really gonna miss your ass." she let out, pinching it and making me tense immediately. She got on her tiptoe and pressed her mouth on mine, taking me my surprise, before taking a step back and raising her eyebrows. "Bye!"

I stood there, motionless, a sensation of relief washing over me as some of the stress I wasn't even aware I had disappeared suddenly. I pushed my hands in my pockets and when I turned back to get inside, I noticed Devon not so far from me, staring at me. My lips parted and my heart dropped when I realized she had seen what had just happened with Mandy and I was tempted to tell her it was not what she was thinking but instead, I swallowed my words as she walked closer.

"Your friend Lewis messaged me." she explained, glancing in Mandy's direction before looking back in my eyes.

I looked down at her, my eyes roaming on her face and lingering a bit too long on her lips. Why couldn't I get her off my mind? Why was it so tough for me not to grab her and kiss her right here and right now?

I started thinking about my ex girlfriend and the feelings I had whenever she was near, and it made me realize how different the two emotions were. The way I loved my ex girlfriend was needy, pathetic and ugly. The way I would do anything she wanted just because I was scared she would leave, the way she made me jealous on purpose, or simply did anything she wanted without caring if it would hurt me. I fell in love with someone who used me and it was for that same person that I had given up on love. Even now, after months of her breaking my heart, she still had an impact on me. She was still controlling me without even knowing. I was letting what she did to me ruin my life and I had no idea how to get out of it.

"Oh yea?"

"Mmhm, he said he cut the rent in half, and I think I can afford it."

"Alright." I just said, sending her a small smile.

"You don't seem surprised." she asked with a frown, tilting her head.

"No I mean, I know Lewis, he's cool." I shrugged, sending her a sincerely smile that she slowly sent back.

The way Devon made me feel was different. She made me feel good in a way I was not sure I understood yet. I could relate to her, and even if she didn't talk much about herself, she still let me in, somehow, by allowing me to look at her art and tell her how it made me feel. She allowed me to kiss her whenever I wanted and push her away after, as if she was always ready to give me a chance... a chance that I never had the guts to take. I was just realizing that maybe I was wrong and she was leaving.

"Oh, by the way, one of my friends has a mattress he doesn't need, so if you're interested, I can bring it to Lewis' apartment this week?"

Her eyebrows raised and her lips curled on the right. "Really?"

"Mmhm, oh, and since you don't have a car, I propose a ride to school every morning, how's that?"

This time though, she shook her head. "No, I can't accept that."

"Come on, I drive near there every morning anyway for breakfast, so it's all good."

It was not a complete lie but it was not the whole truth either, but I didn't care.

"No really, I can't."

"So you can accept Lewis cutting half the price of the rent, and a mattress from a guy you don't know, but when it comes to accepting my rides to school, it's too much?" I asked jokingly, a bigger smile on my face.

It made her chuckle and roll her eyes. "Fine!" she gave in, making my heart jump in my chest. "But let me pay you, okay?"

"Okay, but I decide the price." I explained, taking an other step closer. Her body was so close to mine now that if I moved, It could brush against hers. "I want that painting."

"My.. my painting? The one I wanted to throw away?"

"Mmhm," I admitted, nodding gently. "I want you to sign it, and give it to me. In exchange, you get rides and breakfast every mornings of the week."

She shook her head slightly, still smiling, and brought her shoulders up, near her cheeks. It was so endearing I almost kissed her right there.

"Niall, this painting is horrible. It'll never be worth anything."

"Deal?" I asked, ignoring her short rant.

Her traits softened and I brought my hand up, running my thumb on her cheek gently. I didn't know why I was doing that, I didn't know why I felt the need to touch her. All I knew was that feeling her skin against mine brought in me a feeling I was trying so hard to suppress, and I immediately felt the need to write a song. I let my arm fall back on my side, realizing she was not smiling anymore. Her lips were parted and she just nodded very slowly.

I suddenly got scared of everything this could imply. Would I just close off again and hurt her? I knew it was a possibility. I knew I could wake up in the morning realizing my mistake and turning into the cold hearted man I was with her only a few days ago. What would happen, then?

"Okay." she whispered. "Deal."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan au #niall horan college au #niall horan enemies to lovers #niall horan uni au #my fanfics #swy

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halpertstuna · 4 years

Text

someone to stay - jj maybank pt.2

summary: an abandoned child who felt unwanted since day one got adopted once again and was required to move to the outer banks to live with a lovely elderly woman, but just as she started to feel happy, something had to go wrong and as a result she took a job where she met none other than the blond busboy, jj maybank.

A/N: this is part the second part of my imagine “someone to stay”, if you haven’t read part one yet you can read it here

paring: jj x reader

word count: 2,171

warnings: angst, some fluff, mentions of cancer, death, mentions of abandonment, almost a panic attack? probably typos

-> masterlist <-

{2/2}

(gif credit: @sebastianstahn )

The next morning you were woken up by the ringing of your phone.

“Hello?” You answered, your voice raspy. “Hi, am I speaking with Y/N Y/L/N?” a woman’s voice chimed on the other side of the line.

“You are” you replied still half asleep, trying to focus.

“I’m calling from the hospital, Dr. Brown has some news to give you about Noreen Lewis, but it’s not for the phone. Can you come here?”

As she spoke you felt your heart begin to pound out of your chest, is Noreen okay? What did she mean when she said it wasn’t for the phone?

“I- I’ll be right there” you blurted out hanging up.

You quickly brushed your teeth, showered without washing your hair, got changed and ran to the hospital.

When you got there you went up to the receptionist’s desk, asking for Dr. Brown.

You were told to go to Noreen’s room, Dr. Brown waited outside the door for you and ushered you to the chairs in front of the room. He signaled you to sit down and you hesitantly obeyed.

You tapped your foot rapidly whilst looking at him anxiously, waiting for him to talk as you played with the ring on your finger, the one Noreen gave you for your sixteenth birthday.

“there really isn’t an easy way to say this...” he started, “the chemotherapy... it wasn’t affecting the way it was supposed to-“ “what do you mean it wasn’t affecting?!” You interrupted cutting him off, your face and body radiating off infuriation and disappointment.

He continued “we did another MRI scan and found out the cancer had already progressed to stage 3B by the time we started treatment”.

You were overwhelmed, in absolute shock, you didn’t know what to say.

An exasperated look spreading across your features entangled with sorrow.

He gave you a sympathetic look, which only irritated you more.

Growing up as a child that was abandoned by their mother, meant always being pitied and looked at with sad eyes and as much as you hated it, you eventually got used to it.

But this time was different.

This time you felt absolutely useless, you despised it.

Him giving you that look only made it worse.

“Where is she? I want to see her.” You seethed through greeted teeth and furrowed your eyebrows once you noticed how much remorse his eyes held.

“Now.” Your voice firm and filled with rage as you got up.

You followed him into the room and rushed to her bed, she was asleep. “When she wakes up, it’ll probably be a good time to bid your goodbyes” Dr. Brown calmly noted exiting the room.

You sat next to her bed until it got dark, crying as you watched her sleep, lost in your thoughts.

It reminded you of that one stormy night when you were 12 and couldn’t fall asleep due to the noise of thunders, so you snuck into Noreen’s room.

You didn’t want to wake her up, but didn’t want to be alone either so as a result you just sat on the small mint coloured sofa chair near the bed, while you watched her sleep.

About half an hour later she woke up, looking at you.

“Hey” she rubbed her eyes “how long have you been sitting there?” You shrugged. “Were you watching me sleep? Cause it’s kinda creepy” she mentioned sarcastically and you snickered.

“Well, are you gonna keep sitting there or join me, muffin? I guarantee you the bed is more comfortable”.

She shifted making space for you and you quickly climbed into the bed, tucking yourself under the comforter.

You fell asleep right away, knowing you were safe.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a cough, her eyes slowly flattered open and you shifted in your seat the second you noticed she was awake.

“Hey...” you whispered with a faint smile.

She mirrored it and you felt your heart swell, even in times like these, her smile still managed to melt it.

“I’d ask how you’re feeling but that’s a stupid question” you tried laughing at your comment but instead a sob escaped your lips.

She lifted up her shaking hand and rested it on your cheek, wiping the fresh tears with her thumb

“d-don’t cry, I want my last view to be your beautiful smile” she mumbled and you giggled, nodding your head.

“Does it hurt?” You asked. “A bit” she replied nonchalantly, as if she had only fallen down slightly scraping her knee and wasn’t on the verge of death.

You reached out and held her hand in yours. You couldn’t help but shed another tear, knowing she was in pain.

“All I ever wanted since the moment I met you, was to make sure you knew how loved and cared about you are. How worthy you are of a beautiful life. I hope you know that.” You sniffed and nodded.

“I’ve lived a spectacular, full life. And I am thankful for every moment. I’ve had the privilege of knowing you, getting to watch as you turned from an inverted child who isolated her heart from all of humanity, into this incredible, caring, not to mention immensely funny and talented young woman. Who is honest, never afraid to say what’s on her mind and is completely selfless. And for that, I am thankful.”

The tears you desperately tried holding back were now streaming down your face.

“It’s ok, everything’s gonna be okay” she said in a calming tone squeezing your hand but you averted your gaze from her, unable to face her. “hey, look at me” her words soft, you turned to her with puffy red eyes, you didn’t want her to go.

“I’m going to be okay. And so are you. You’re going to achieve everything you want. Don’t be afraid to let people in my love, and from what you told me, I better be seeing you with that JJ living the happily ever after you deserve” you chuckled in tears.

She let out a series of loud coughs and you felt your heart sink.

She looked up at you with loving eyes “I’m going to join Jasper now, and I’ll tell him all about the daughter I was blessed with” you held her hand tighter as if it would keep her here, with you.

“We’ll be watching you, making sure you’re okay. I’m ready to let go now. I will always, always love you muffin” she confirmed and you nodded quickly “I love you too, thank you for everything, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you” you sobbed out.

She smiled at your words, then closed her eyes.

You felt the grip on your hand loosen, a few seconds later an audible, long beep came from the ECG.

You refused to believe the scenario in front of you, you had to get out of there.

You sprinted out of the hospital stepping into the cold, dark night.

You started running, you didn’t know where, you just knew you had to leave.

A series of heartbreaking sobs left your slightly parted quivering lips, rocking your body as you felt your heart crumble into a million pieces.

Your vision was blurry from tears and you couldn’t see a thing.

Out of breath you came to a halt, resting your hands on your knees as you tried stopping the tears.

Your chest heaving, your breathing only intensified as you felt rain drops fall on your skin.

You didn’t even notice you were stood outside your house until you looked up. The rain got stronger and the wind blew through your now wet clothes.

You were a sobbing wreck. You grasped the hem of your shirt in pain, balling your hand into a fist and felling to the ground, the other hand tangled in the roots of your hair, pulling slightly.

You felt helpless, cold and alone, that was until two arms wrap around your small frame, shielding you from the rain.

Your eyes darted up in fear, but once you recognised the scent of JJ’s cologne which you memorised from all the times he drove you home, you relaxed in his touch.

“it’s okay, it’s just me” he cooed rubbing circles on the small of your back. you cried into his chest in which you found comfort.

“It’s not fare” you whimper, gasping for air.

You couldn’t breath, you felt your chest heat up.

You started choking, coughing as the air just didn’t seem to find it’s way to your lungs.

“Hey hey hey, look at me” he demanded in a hush tone, holding your shoulders in arm length, “everything’s going to be okay, you just have to breath” you looked at him as if he was speaking a foreign language.

He pulled you back to him, placing your head on his chest which rose and fell in a steady pace “breath with me” he stroked your hair gently.

It was hard but after a few minutes you managed to steady your breathing back to normal.

He helped you up and into the house, then let you shower and change into dry clothes, whilst he sat on the other side of the door.

He was too scared to leave you alone, but still respected your privacy.

When you finished, JJ took the liberty to make you hot chocolate and you wrapped yourself in a blanket plopping down on the couch with him beside you.

“Thank you” you broke the silence, “anytime” he gave you a closed mouth smiled.

“what were you doing here anyway?” you questioned.

“I was really worried after last night and when you didn’t show up for work today I knew something was wrong, so I finished my shift and came straight here to check up on you” you looked at him with a surprised expression as he confirmed he genuinely cared.

‘Don’t be afraid to let people in’ the words echoed through your mind.

You scooted closer to him on the couch and hugged his side. He didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around you and hold you close.

“My best friend died tonight. She was all I had. She saved me but I couldn’t save her. When I was ten she adopted me and a few weeks ago she got sick. I took this job to pay for treatment but unfortunately, it didn’t help. She didn’t deserve this. And now I’m alone again. This is why I don’t let people in... they always leave.” You spoke through unshed tears.

He only held you tighter, clueless of how to respond. He knew how it felt; being unwanted, distancing yourself from others to avoid the ache you feel when they leave.

“I know how it feels, you’re lost and hurting right now, it’s okay” He showed you empathy, “and I promise, i will never leave you”.

And for the first time in a while, you felt relieved, not alone. His words gave you hope and that was a promise he intended to keep.

“Do you want to tell me about her?” He asked squeezing your shoulder gently, you didn’t even know where to start.

You went on a rant, telling so many stories and memories.

“She sounds amazing” he noted “she was” you remarked.

“Too bad I didn’t get to meet her” he regretted his words the second they left his mouth, afraid he said the wrong thing.

“She said the same thing about you!” Your voice slightly louder than you intended.

“Oh so you talked to her about me? What else did you say?” A self-satisfied smirk played across his face as he tried to lighten the mood, succeeding.

“Don’t let it go to your head Maybank” you warned nudging him lightly, an amused laugh escaped his throat.

The two of you talked for hours, it was nearly 3am and you started feeling drowsy.

“Will you stay?” You pleaded “I’m tired of being alone”.

“Of course” he swiftly responded “I’d never leave you” he promised.

You didn’t bother going to your room. He laid down on the couch and you placed your head on his chest.

His hands found your waist and you found home in each others embrace.

He kissed your forehead, lingering for a bit longer than he should, and you dozed off in his arms to the sound of his heartbeat.

The sight of your smaller figure wrapped around his looked so natural to him. He couldn’t comprehend how someone could leave you.

Lost in his thoughts, he barely noticed it was morning.

Your eyes flattered open and you greeted him with a croaky “hey”.

A smile spread across his face as he greeted you back.

“Were you watching me sleep? Cause it’s kinda creepy” you sarcastically marked and he chuckled.

The two of you gazed silently into each other’s eyes for a few minutes before both falling asleep.

He helped you through your highs and lows after Noreens death, always by your side. He was there for you when you needed someone the most, someone to stay.

And he did.

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surrerafics · 3 years

Text

The narrative….

Andy and Robert constantly argue about unresolved issues within their marriage because they don’t practice communication. Their pride and egos get in the way of that. They’re both stubborn, hardworking and strong-minded first responders. They often replace communication for sex for the tension rising in their marriage which has made matters worse. Andy has a lot of decisions to make concerning her marriage and a new unexpected surprise that has popped up to make matters even more complicated than they already were. Now that Andy is furious with her husband about causing Maya to lose her job she’s not so sure she really knows her husband at all. Decisions! Decisions!

ROBERT AND ANDY AT HOME IN BED -DAY

Andy- okayyy it’s not Carinas French toast but it’s the only thing I know how to make for breakfast.

Robert- It looks amazingggg. (Kissing Andy) then pulls her in for more.

Andy- Maya asked me to step in for her for the week.

Robert- step in?

Andy- As acting captain.

Robert- Doesn’t the department usually send a sub for bereavement leave?

Andy- well, due to COVID and stuff they said that one of the lieutenants could do it so she asked me!

(Robert becomes silent) and you’ve gone all quiet.

Robert- No, no, no(kisses Andy) it’s good. I’m happy for you!

Andy- yeah?!

Robert- Yes! You were made for this!

Andy- plus, it couldn’t hurt to be sleeping with the boss right?!

Robert-No special treatment just like when I was your captain.

Andy- well maybe a little special treatment! (Puts hand under the covers playing with his….em hem!)

(Andy’s POV)

Station 19- Night

Locker Room

Robert comes in while Andy is changing

Robert- Andy I have more experience than you. Decades more. It’s just.. Andy interrupts Robert.

Andy- Are you trying to help yourself here?

Robert- Can I finish? I have years under my belt. Okay. And I’m not using them on the job so I guess I thought I could use them to help you. Help you didn’t ask for I get it. *sighing* come on. I just need you to understand where I’m coming from.

Andy- look, I get that you hate being a probie. I hate you being a probie.

Robert- hey, hey. We found a common ground. Let’s just end this another way.

Andy- No, Robert we need to talk about this.

Robert: You’re only Captain for another shift and then Bishop comes back. Then this won’t be a problem anymore.

Andy: yeah, except I’ll still be your lieutenant and hopefully soon, one day after that a captain for real.

Robert: Not hopefully. you will.

Andy: Well, then this is a problem we need to solve.

Robert: well, is it a problem we need to solve tonight?

Andy: I guess not.

Robert gets up to finish taking out the trash and leaves the locker room as Andy looks complexed.

(Andy and Roberts POV)

The SULLIVAN’s Home - Bedroom- NIGHT

Later that night after work.

Andy tries to make an attempt to have the same conversation about him undermining her authority at work in the locker room.

Andy: Baby, *sighing* why do you have an issue with titles and your wife ranking higher than you?

Robert: babe, I thought we weren’t gonna try and solve this problem tonight?

Andy: I know but…. (Robert interrupts Andy by grabbing her and begins kissing her passionately and deep)

He begins to undress her while still kissing her passionately and seductively. Andy falls weak to her husbands advances and gives in. They move over to their bed and they begin to become intimate throughout the night.

A Few Weeks LATER….

Station 19- Day

Andy is in the beanery scoffing down sugary cereal with her hands when suddenly she was hit with a sudden feeling of nausea and started for the ladies room, while met with Travis on his way to the beanery.

Travis to Andy as they run into each other asks Andy if she’s okay.

Travis- oops! Sorry Herrera. Hey, you feeling okay?

Andy- it’s okay. Uumm, yeah! Just got to run to the ladies locker room for something.

Travis looks confused.

Ben and Robert are in the turnout room having a conversation while organizing gear and equipment.

Robert- You know being demoted was no ones fault but my own, but this is hard being a probie. I feel as though all my hard working years as a firefighter has gone to waste. I feel useless now.

Ben- Ey, look man I know it isn’t easy and hearing that you can work your way up seems like dead hope to you, but you’re not useless and despite what you might be feeling you are a great asset to,19. I mean you did help run it before.

Robert- You know I find myself reminiscing about my days back in Montana and how I miss the weather and my days there as Captain. You know I moved there after my wife Claire died.

Ben- Sounds like you’re missing Montana a lot. You thinking of going back there? Maybe a little getaway for you and the Mrs?

Robert- Nah, man haven’t given it much thought,to return there anytime soon but it has crossed my mind a time or two.

The fire alarm sounds. People stuck inside a burning house. Robert, Ben and the team rush to the location. Upon arriving Captain Bishop orders the team to get in for search and rescue inside the burning house. Everyone has been safely rescued except a neighbor realizes and informs Captain Bishop that a little boy is missing and that he could still be stuck inside. The team finds him with 3rd degree burns inside of a closet. Upon bringing him out the commander in chief orders Captain Bishop to wait for an aid truck to come and transport the little boy to Greys-Sloan Hospital, but Bishop goes against the Chiefs orders and orders her team to put him on the fire truck to the hospital instead. Now, Bishops job could be in jeopardy.

Andy and Sullivan were called into the chief commissioner’s office. After speaking with them he asked Sullivan to stay as Herrera walked out. Herrera stood by the door to listen in on the conversation.

Chief- Sullivan. Hold on a minute.(Herrera walks out)Have a seat. You appointed Bishop? What’s your take?

Sullivan- She’s a good captain sir. I basically raised her up myself.

Chief- But she’s gotten cocky. I’ve been hearing things. Taking her team to protests. Defying cops on the scene.

Sullivan-Well, those things are separate conversations…

Chief- But there both indicative of Bishop acting outside the balance of the Seattle Fire department. Ummm…. Your record…

Robert- yea Sir, I know I made mistakes. But I’m clean , sober, strong

Chief- we can’t afford anymore bad press for our first responders

Robert- No, we can’t. This team stood behind me when my job was on the line. They have my back and I have theirs. I can get this house in order sir. You do not want these fire fighters talking to the press saying that FD values protocol over their kids lives. You need someone who can reunite them and that someone is me. Plus with me you get a Battalion chief for the price of a Captain.

Andy hears what Sullivan says outside the door and walks away enraged.

The SULLIVAN’s home- Day

Maya’s Wedding Day

Andy walks into hers and Roberts bedroom and throws the covers on their bed after sleeping on the couch.

Robert- You really didn’t have to sleep on the couch you know.

Andy-The only reason I slept here and not at Maya’s is because it’s her wedding day and I don’t want her to know what you did. Not today.

Robert- What I did was save your job Andy!

Andy- This is not a discussion! This is not a discussion! Because today I am a maiden of honor and if we have a discussion I will say some things that are very very not maiden like or honorable!

Robert- This is absurd.

Andy- You don’t get to tell me what’s absurd. (Walks away …. Be there by 5!) slams door!

Two weeks later….

Andy is talking to Dean in the locker room area.

Dean- what’s up , kiddo? You okay? You look …

Andy- I know. I don’t look my best these days. I don’t feel like myself. I’m questioning everything including my marriage and if marrying Robert was such a great idea. I mean sure I married the man I love but I also married the man I love for the sake of my Dad having the opportunity to walk his only daughter down the aisle and give her away before his cancer took control which, in turn he didn’t die of but died saving his family. But after what ROBERT did… I’m, I’m just not… I don’t know what I’m trying to say.

(Robert overhears their conversation outside of the lockers.)

Dean-I’m probably not the best person to talk about this too. I’m not an expert or anything but it appears you two have issues communicating. My only advice is maybe seek therapy and talk it out. Maybe alone , then with Sullivan. My advice? Contact Dr. Diane Lewis and schedule a session with her. We all know she’s really good. I wish you both the best.

Andy- Maybe you’re right. I’ll sleep on it.

After Dean leaves and Robert slipped away so that Dean and Andy wouldn’t know what he had just heard between them. Robert looks really down and depressed because he has no one and the entire team, including his wife aren’t really talking to him.

A SUDDEN REVELATION

Suddenly Andy holds her stomach and runs off to the ladies locker room and pukes in the toilet. Afterwards, she brushes her teeth and swishes with mouthwash to get the nasty taste out of her mouth over the sink. Andy looks at herself and whispers under her breath, “Oh, no! I can’t be! Andy suddenly realized with everything that had been going on in her life from her family secrets, the loss of her dad and best friend to the underlying unresolved issues in her marriage that a few times she forgot to take her birth control pills. There have been plenty of times Andy and Robert were intimate without using any form of protection. Andy looks at her phone to check her app that keeps track of her monthly cycles and realized she was already a few weeks late! Andy hurries out to the nearest pharmacy to purchase a pregnancy test and heads back to the station.

POSITIVE RESULTS!

After taking two separate tests Andy discovers her worst fear of being pregnant! She is anything but thrilled about it as she never really saw herself being a mother or a wife of that matter. Also, with her marriage on the rocks she’s just not sure what her next steps are.

Takes phone out to schedule an appointment with Dr. Diane Lewis.

ANDY’S THERAPY SESSION WITH DR. DIANE LEWIS.

Dr Diane’s Lewis’s office- DAY

Dr. Diane- Welcome Andy.

Andy- HI. thank you for clearing your schedule to see me today.

Dr. Diane- Well, you seemed a bit distraught and troubled when I listened back to your voicemail. You seemed desperate. So, what seems to be your problem?

Andy- (blurts out) I’m not so sure marrying my husband was such a great idea!

Dr. Diane.- Why do you say that? It’s okay. You can say it. It’s strictly confidential.

Andy- I won’t go into details. Ever since Robert was demoted he hasn’t been himself. He thinks I’m ashamed of him because he was demoted to a probie. We don’t communicate. We substitute conversation for good sex to ease the tension of our unresolved issues. He did something to cause someone close to me lose her position just so he can climb back up to battalion chief as if that title defines him.. it’s … DR DIANE INTERRUPTS ANDY….

Dr. Diane- for someone who didn’t want to say too much you just said a mouthful.

Andy- maybe you were right. Maybe I’m with my husband cause he’s like a father figure or someone who could fill my fathers shoes as Battalion chief.

Dr. Diane- Do you love him? Are you in love with your husband?

Andy- I do love my husband and in love but as of late I’m questioning everything. All we do is work, argue and have good sex. That’s a recipe for a disastrous marriage. And, and I’m afraid I won’t be a good mom or end up just like my mother who, had postpartum depression, never wanted to be a mother or married. She only wanted to fight fires. (Andy touches her stomach)

Dr Diane- you’re afraid you won’t be a good mom? Are you expecting?

Andy- (hesitantly) yes. I just found out two days ago.

Dr. Diane- And let me guess. You’re not thrilled about it? Have you told your husband?

Andy- Not exactly. I haven’t told him yet. I realized when I found out my mother was alive and learning why she abandoned me and my father I realized I’m just like her. I was once proposed to by jack before meeting Robert and I remember distinctly telling him I didn’t want to be married or have a family. That I didn’t want something separate because the firehouse was my family and fighting fires and making captain was all that mattered to me. It’s like I’m mirroring my mothers life reincarnated. I never wanted any of this. Yet I’m afraid for him because I’m all my husband has.

Dr DIANE- Let me ask you this. Do you want to save your marriage or get out? Is it worth fighting for? How badly do you want this marriage?

Andy- I love my husband. There isn’t a doubt. I only regret how rushed our marriage was as we really didn’t get to do the dating phase to learn how to deal with each other’s past. I honestly wish we could have a do-over but right now I don’t have the energy to even speak with him. I’m pretty stubborn.

Dr. Diane- seems you’re carrying the burdens of your mother and the burdens of your husband. You’re worried about abandoning your baby and becoming like your mother. And you’re afraid of what possibly leaving your marriage behind due to what it may do to him. Andy, that is a quite a heavy load for one person to carry. I think it’s time you had another meeting with your mom and express these concerns to her so that you may get closure and more clarity on what it is you need to do concerning your life’s decisions.

Later as Andy leaves Dr. Diane’s office she heads back to the Station as she recognizes a familiar face…. Her Mother’s Elena. Andy looks taken a back.

Elena- Hello Mi hija .

Andy- What, what are you doing here? It’s really weird as I was thinking of calling you anyway.

Elena- you were? I, I just wanted to see how you were.

Andy- actually, not good. We need to talk. Let’s take a walk.

Scene intercuts to Robert packing a bag and highlights on his phone that he’s just purchased a ticket to Montana.

Andy and her mom Elena are sitting on a park bench discussing some very pressing matters that’s concerning Andy and the decisions she needs to make about her marriage and the growing little being inside of her.

Elena- what’s wrong Andrea?

Andy- I’m pregnant. Just found out a couple of days ago, my marriage is in shambles and my husband doesn’t know I’m pregnant yet.

Elena- you should be estactic!

Andy- yeah but I’m not.

Elena-why, why mija?

Andy- Because I’m just like you!! I never wanted to be married or become a mother! I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree after all!

Elena- Then why did you marry him, Andy? Do you even love him?

Andy- Robert asked me to be his wife because he loves me and is in love with me, but we knew my Dad didn’t have long before his cancer would take its course on him so Robert and I got married really fast so that he could walk me down the aisle as one last memory of me and my Dad giving me away to Robert. And….yes I love him but I’m afraid I’m mirroring your life with my dad, who would suffer from mental illness, postpartum depression and won’t be able to bond with our child and leave them. What if I’m like you in that aspect? What if I inherited those same traits? but lately all we do is argue and have sex. We don’t communicate. We bump heads a lot. And his recent actions have me questioning if we should even remain married.

Elena- Andrea, considering the mistakes I’ve made what I’m about to say may not carry much weight to you but, from what your aunt Theresa has said about your husband he’s a really loving, caring and kind man and that he takes good care of you. If this is true, don’t make a permanent decision on temporary emotions or doubts. I know I don’t deserve to be in your life and I have no one to blame but myself, but you don’t have to be like me. You are not me. You have a loving heart and you need your husband. You need each other. And that baby you two made out of love need their parents just as much. I know I never said I was sorry but I am sorry nena for my selfish acts and leaving my child. You may not believe me but there were times of regret. Think this through. Talk to your husband. You don’t want to realize you made the wrong decisions and carry around regrets. It will haunt you Nena. It’s haunted me.

THE NARRATIVE

Andy thinks long and hard about what her mother shared with her and decides after their talk to pick up her phone and call her husband but he doesn’t answer and it goes straight to voicemail. Andy leaves a voicemail, then texts him so that he could get back to her sooner rather than later. Andy hasn’t been staying at home with Robert due to the marital issues they’ve been dealing with and has been couch hopping at Maya’s and at Deans. Meanwhile, Sullivan is on a plane to Montana to get away and clear his head. He feels alone at Station 19 and after hearing his wife’s thoughts and concerns about if marrying him was a mistake it broke his heart as he is afraid of losing the only good thing he has in his life and that’s his wife Andy. He couldn’t bare the thought of hearing his wife say to him that she wants a divorce. So, he packed up a bag and headed to Montana. Robert has no one in his life, no other family members that he’s close to or aware of. His only family is his wife. It’s two days later and Robert is on a plane and Any realizes her husband hasn’t returned any of her calls or messages and hurries on to the Station to see if he was there or to ask if anyone else has seen him. This was hers and Roberts day off so she couldn’t imagine why he wasn’t answering his phone. Andy runs into Vic and Travis and asks if they had seen her husband or if he had been by the station. They haven’t seen or heard from him. Vic asks Andy if everything is okay because she looked a bit flushed and frantic. Well, it’s been over 12 hours since I last contacted him and he hasn’t replied to any of my messages. Ben walks into the lobby where Andy, Vic and Travis are and asks what’s going on? Vic tells him how Andy is looking for Robert because he isn’t answering any of her messages and it’s been well over twelve hours since she contacted him with no avail. Andy asks Ben if he’s seen or heard from him and if he thought he’d have any idea where he would be or any strange behaviors with him. Ben tells Andy they had a brief conversation a few days ago and he seemed down in the dumps. Says he’s found himself reminiscing of his old life back in Montana back when he was Captain there. I asked him if he thought of taking the Mrs. well, you there for a little getaway and he said he hadn’t given that part much thought. Andy listens and softly says to the team that she had to go home and check into something and to please let her know anything if they hear anything from Robert.

ANDY DRIVES UP TO THEIR HOME.

Andy arrives at their home and quickly runs upstairs to their bedroom seeking Robert but he isn’t there and in their bedroom she finds his drawers open and begin looking though his old things to see if she can find any clues to where he could be. She soon finds old photos of him as a captain in MONTANA and spotted this photo of and a beautiful stow away cabin he would often resort to during get always or vacations Andy decided it was time for her to take a road trip to Montana to find her husband. In the back of her mind she’s thinking he may relapse because of everything that has transpired in their marriage and at work. Andy calls the station to tell them she’s gonna have to take off for a few more days to take care of a pressing matter and to please cover for her two two shifts. Andy packs a bag, hops in her car and heads for Montana. Before driving off, Andy takes the baby sonograms and places them in her cars glove compartment, takes a deep breath and starts for the road. The drive from Seattle to Montana is about a 10-12 hour drive. Andrea has been driving now for the past 5 hours straight. She’s tired and sleepy so she stops at a nice hotel for a nights stay and will pick up tomorrow and finish her trip to Montana. She grabs the sonogram from her gloves company, stares at it and takes it inside with her as she checks in to a room. She calls Robert one last time still with no avail of reaching him. She sent him another text and no reply still. So Andy settles in, takes a shower and climbs into bed with her baby sonogram on the night stand propped up next to her, while placing her hands on her now growing belly. Still in shock and hasn’t processed the reality that’s she’s pregnant. Andy is watching the tv but soon finds the tv is watching her as she soon dozed off.

THE NARRATIVE….

(Andy’s POV)

Andy is back on the road the next day headed for Montana and as she’s driving her mind wonders back to when she found out she was pregnant a few days ago and how Carina did a sonogram on her to see how the baby is and how far along she was. The baby’s heartbeat is fast and healthy. Andy begin to become emotional of the thought that a little being was growing inside of her. She had fears and all kinds of concerns because this pregnancy wasn’t planned and considering she’s never really wanted to become a mother just like her mom. Carina tells Andy she is about 6 in a half weeks along which shocked Andy but quickly explained her increasing appetite the past several weeks. Carina congrats her and Sullivan on their new addition and tells Andy to come back in six weeks for another check up on her and the baby. Andy comes back into her thoughts and stares at the sonogram in her right hand while the other hand is on the steering wheel. Andy has been driving a few hours now and should reach the address of the cabin she suspects her husband is staying at in about another hour and stops for gas and a nearby gas station and grabs a sandwich inside the store and a drink to carry her over till she arrives at the cabin. To keep from falling asleep Andy turns the radio up to keep her alert. Meanwhile, intercut to Robert settling in and laying up in his bed staring at pictures of him and Andy in happier times. He looks so lonely and broken and feels he no longer has anyone. Not even his wife whom he is so in love with. He puts the pictures down and breaks his thoughts of his wife to take a shower. He takes a nice long hot shower to release some stress and just stands under the shower allowing the water to fall off his head down his back. Meanwhile, Andy finally arrives at the cabin and quickly glances at the picture of the cabin she found in her husbands things back home in Seattle. Andy pauses for a moment before getting out of her car to approach the door, meanwhile, Robert is stepping out of the shower, drying off and wrapping his towel around his waist. Robert walks into the bedroom and suddenly hears a knock on the door. He grabs a shirt to throw on and sweats. He has no clue who it could be because no one would know him there except the owner who knew Sullivan back when he worked as captain back in the day in Montana. Robert creeps to the door to see who it is but it’s too dark too tell, so he cautiously opens the door to find a petite, fair-skinned and soft-spoken little lady standing before him, a little lady he calls his wife. It’s Andrea Herrera Sullivan. Robert has the the biggest , most shocking expression on his face to find his wife standing before him. Andy says hi to her husband and asks can she come in and he steps aside to let her in. Robert asks Andy what was she doing there and most importantly how did she find him?

Robert: Babe, what are you doing here? How did you find me?

Andy- That isn’t important right now. We need to talk.

Robert- I can’t live without you and if you came here to tell me you want a divorce I really can’t handle that right now.

Andy- What? A divorce? What makes you say that?

Robert- Andy, I overheard you talking with Dean in the lockers a few days ago. You’re doubting your decision to marry me. I panicked and took off. I have no one else. Everyone hates me and I just feel, that maybe I just don’t belong there anymore. I needed to come back to the one place I use to escape to when I was here and missing Claire —-this cabin.

(Andy grabs Roberts face and kisses him to assure him that everything is gonna be okay.)

Andy- baby, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you when you tried to explain to me about Maya’s position. I soon learned it wasn’t what I thought and that there were other parts of the conversation you had with the chief commissioner I missed because when I heard you offer up to be battalion chief at the expense of Maya being relieved of her duties I instantly assumed the worse and questioned if this marriage was a mistake. I had a therapy session with Dr. Diane Lewis and my mom and they made me realize some things. That I shouldn’t make a permanent decision on temporary emotions or misunderstandings. I had time to think about it and I realized I had a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make and I knew I couldn’t make those decisions without my husband and the father of my child. Robert’s expression upon hearing the news was priceless. He asked, Are you….? Andy replies, yes! Robert is in shock! Are you serious? He asked. I’m gonna be a father?! Andy says yes! How far along are you? I’m about six in a half weeks along. (Shows Robert the sonogram)Robert exclaims, “this explains your sudden increase in appetite and your appetite for more sex! He picks Andy up and swings her around in excitement and they kiss! He asks Andy, “Does this mean we’re not getting a divorce?” Andy replies, “No, but if we want our marriage to strive and survive I suggest we continue having counseling and learning how to communicate and respect each other at home and in the work place and now as parents. I know having tough conversations are hard but we must if we want this marriage to have a fighting chance. Do you agree on this that our marriage does need work and to seek counseling? Robert, I’ll do anything to keep from losing my wife and baby. I’m sorry for undermining your authority. I was just so use to being in charge and lost my confidence after being demoted to probie. Andy replies, I understand that it was hard and I know you’re on your way back up, so hang in there. I love you, babe. Andy responds,” I love you too baby.

Robert- How do you feel about the pregnancy?

Andy- well, I’m nervous and I feel a bit uncertain.

Robert- uncertain? Why?

Andy- because we only briefly spoke about having a family and with everything going on in both our lives where we weren’t able to catch a break the conversation was never continued. Baby, I was afraid of ending up like my mother. I honestly never wanted to become a mother or a wife of that matter just like my mom, I had fears of having mental illnesses like her or not able to bond with our baby and abandoned her or him. But who would’ve thought that the most unlikely person in my mom would be the one person who gave me hope in my marriage?

Robert- God and life has a way surprising us. Robert screams, “I’M GONNA BE A FATHER”!!!!

Andy and Sullivan kiss and put on some music and Salsa dance together! 💃🏻🕺🏾

Days later Robert and Andy return to Seattle to tell the team they are expecting a baby and that Andy is nearly two months pregnant! Instantly, Maya claims godmother and Ben as the baby’s Godfather! Vic, Travis and the team plan for a baby shower. The Sullivan’s tells the gang to chill for a bit as the baby shower is a long ways off, but he understood everyone’s excitement to have another firehouse baby in the station and a playmate for little Pru! With all of the excitement Andy runs to the restrooms to puke! Morning sickness has been rough on her lately. I guess that’s typically how it is during the first trimester. Robert runs behind her to check on her. Oddly enough after Andy puked she asked her husband for pickles and bananas over vanilla ice cream!🤮 Clearly, his wife’s weird ravings are through the roof. The Sullivan’s are tired after a very long road trip back to Seattle and are headed home but before that Robert stops by a supermarket to get his wife all of the foods she was craving and then they headed home. Once they arrived home they went upstairs and Robert ran him and the Mrs. a hot bubble bath to sit and relax. Andy sat in front of him in the tub while Robert rubbed both his hands on his wife’s growing belly. He whispers to Andy, “We made this baby in love from our love” and I already love him or her so much. Robert takes Andy’s hand and kisses it and then kisses her neck. Andy, I know. We made a lot of love. A baby was sure to pop up at some point. Under her breath she whispers,”I love you, baby.”

THE NARRATIVE….

7 in a half months later Andy is at work on desk and phone duty while the team Ben and Carina is out on a call for an elderly woman whose blood sugar dropped and fainted as her eldest daughter found her lying on the floor unconscious when she called for aid-car and Robert, Dean, Vic and Travis are on the other side of town putting out a building fire for a local business. Intercut back to Andy at the Station 19 was answering a,phone call at the front desk when she said, “uh-oh! The person on the other line was calling for her to answer, but couldn’t because her water broke! Another worker behind her took the phone and hung it up and Called for the aid car to transport Andy to Grey-Sloan Hospital. On the radio they alerted the team that Andy went into labor and her Husband Robert heard it, panicked and rushed to Grey-Sloan Hospital to be with his wife! Luckily, the team was already on they’re way back after completing their duties. With Carina being Andy’s physician and gynecologist she rushed to the hospital as quickly as she could! Robert arrives in a panic asking what room his wife was in and rushed to be with her! He was the only one that could be in the room with her during labor. He rushed by her side as he entered into the room and said, “Baby, “I’m here”! Are you okay?! How far apart are the contractions?! Right now every 5to 6 mins. I had just had one before you burst in the room! Robert took his wife’s hand and kissed her lips and her forehead. Carina comes into the room ready to check Andy to see how many centimeters she is. Carina checks Andy and she is about 6 centimeters so not too long before baby is born! As Andy attempts to say something a contraction hits and Robert tells her to breath it out slowly. Carina says I’ll be back to check you in an hour and that in the meantime she should try to rest during that time. Robert ask Andy if there was anything she needed and she asked for a cup of ice chips because her mouth was dry. Andy was a soldier and didn’t want an epidural but wanted to give birth naturally. So, Robert went and got her a cup of ice chips. Meanwhile, the station 19 crew were all out in the lobby awaiting to hear the birth of Robert and Andy’s baby and what they’re having because they agreed early in the pregnancy that they didn’t want to know the gender and to be surprised. At their baby shower the crew threw for Andy they all bought baby neutral items and loads of diapers of different sizes and phases of the babies growth. They were set for life! The team caught Robert headed back up to Andy’s room and asked how she was doing. Robert replied, My wife is a trooper and is doing well! She didn’t even want to have an epidural! I’ll keep you all posted. The baby should be born tonight as Andy Is at 6 centimeters now! Robert yells , “I gotta go”! Don’t wanna miss a thing! Robert heads back to Andy’s room and shocked to see Carina back so soon with a couple of nurses. Andy Is progressing so fast towards birth. I guess the Pitocin sped up the contractions because She was now at 8 centimeters dialated! Robert quickly washes his hands and puts on his scrubs and rushes back in to help his wife bring they’re child into the world. Only two more centimeters to go and it’s push time! 30 minutes later Andy is pushing for the 3rd time and they hear they baby cry! Sullivan is over the moon and so proud of his wife! Carina announces , “IT’S A GIRL”!!! Weighing in at 6LBS 10 ounces and 21” long! She’s gonna be tall like her father! Welcome to the STATION 19 world baby “TAINA ANDREA HERRERA SULLIVAN”!! Robert is given the honor of cutting the umbilical cord of his new baby daughter! 5 minutes after their daughters birth Robert burst out to the lobby to shout, “ITS A GIRL”!! To the crew! Baby and Andy are doing well. She came in weighing 6 lbs 10 ounces and 21 inches long! We named her TAINA ANDREA HERRERA SULLIVAN!! You can hear 19 ooohing and ahhhing over the beautiful name they chose for their baby daughter! Congratulations to the new parents!

The End

BABY SULLIVAN-COMING SOON!

#fanfic #fiction #surrera #station 19 #Andy and Robert #fantasy

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lovemalecforever · 3 years

Text

Chapter 12

Family isn't always blood

Alec looked at his Parabatai then to his sister then to him again and sighed heavily before speaking. "Because there is something I want to talk about which needs all of your presence."

"Excuse me!?" Jace exclaimed, "Alec, I can feel your nervousness, what is going on? You're making me scared buddy, we almost lost yo-"

"Jace, calm down. I'll tell you when everyone will be here, and it's nothing bad, okay?"

Even after the reassurance, Jace was still not convinced. He could feel how scared and nervous Alec was through their bond. There were so many probabilities running through his mind, minding that Magnus wasn't there with him when that man never leaves his brother alone.

"Jace, stop. I can literally feel you getting stressed up, I told you, Jace, it's nothing, just... wait for a while."

Jace sighed and nodded. He had met his Parabatai, his brother after a long time, and making him upset or angry was the last thing he wanted. "Sorry Alec, but really, you told Izzy that you're coming but not me? Seriously? Am I not important to you anymore?" he dramatically put his hand over his chest. "You have hurt me, dude."

Alec rolled his eyes. "Stop being overdramatic, Jace. Besides, the look on your face told me that it was worth it."

"Boyzzz!" Izzy interrupted, shaking her head at her brothers for their silliness. "So, big brother, whom do you want to meet first, Clary or Simon?" Out of everyone, Izzy knew really well that Alec considers them family now, remembering the fact that he admitted it when she and Simon visited him.

"It's been long I've seen nugget in training mode. I would like to see her training and meanwhile, tell Simon to come here, I want to talk to you both privately before talking to everyone else."

"What the hell!? Alec, First, stop giving my girlfriend these stupid nicknames, and second what are you guys are up to?"

"Jace, stop." Izzy spoke firmly, "Don't bombard our brother with questions, he just arrived. And, besides, I want to see how Clary's doing so can we move now?"

"Fine, let's go." Jace sighed, and they left for the training room.

While heading towards the training room, Alec didn't miss the changes that had been made at the Institute, especially the weapons room. He knew he made the right decision to make his sister the Head of the Institute when he accepted the post of Inquisitor at Alicante, and she's doing a brilliant job. He couldn't help but feel proud of his sister.

It's been around an hour since Clary started her training, her hair was tied up in a ponytail, she was wearing a perfectly fitted navy blue sports bra with red stripes on it, the back having cross straps with blue-grey yoga pants and red and blue colored sports shoes. Her hands were wrapped in boxing bandages, blowing punches and kicks to the punching bag, which had now started to tear.

"Slow down Parabatai, looks like you're having a bad day, or did you not get it last night, huh?" Izzy teased as she walked towards her soon-to-be Parabatai, a smirk playing on her face, and Jace's face flushed.

"Izzy, Hey!" Clary greeted then held the towel that Izzy offered her. "And to answer your question, both. Bad day because Jace was being an idiot last night, and this morning too." She said, making Izzy burst into laughter.

"Really Clary, discussing our sex life with my sister!? Not appreciated!" Jace said as he walked in.

"She's my best friend, Herondale. I can discuss whatever I want." Clary shrugged and snatched the water bottle that he offered her.

"Oops! Looks like someone screwed up badly." Izzy said while suppressing her laugh, earning a glare from Jace.

Clary almost choked on the water she was drinking and dropped the bottle on the floor in the process when her eyes fell on the third person present in that room, standing by the door frame.

"ALEC!"

"Hello, Carrot!" Alec walked in and laughed when she literally jumped on him. "Get down, carrot, you're drenched in sweat."

"Really! Carrot, Carrot!? Seriously, Alec, I told you to stop giving her names, don't you-"

"I find it cute," Clary said, interrupting her boyfriend and making him dumbfounded. "Alec, when did you come? And where's Magnus?" She asked when her excitement died down and was back on her feet.

"Just now, and Magnus didn't come, I had some work."

"Okay, now I'm jealous, what had Simon done, big brother? Jace? Why do you both treat him like that?" Izzy pouted.

"I like him, but that vampire gets under my skin sometimes. No offense, Izzy." Jace said flatly.

"Izzy, Simon had done nothing, you know I like him, I just don't feel like being like that around him. There's nothing else." Alec reassured, making her sigh.

Izzy's phone buzzed, breaking their chain of conversation. She picked it up to check the message. "It's Si, he'll be here in some time. Your room or my office?" She asked.

"In my room," Alec answered while Jace and Clary kept glancing between the siblings. "I'll tell you both later."

Clary nodded. "I'm going to get a shower, see you later, Alec." With that, she picked up her stuff and left the hall.

"Wait, Clary! Excuse me!" Jace said hurried after his girlfriend leaving the other two laughing at their situation.

"It's good to have her back, you know," Izzy said when they both left the room. "Jace is a different person now, and happier too."

"I know. I can feel it. I'm happy for him, he deserves this. Looking back at how broken he was 3 years ago, I'm really happy that Clary got her memories back. They didn't deserve what happened 5 years ago."

"What's wrong!?" She asked when she noticed an unknown expression clouding her brother's face.

"Izzy, promise me you won't tell Jace what I'm about to say, else I won't hear the end of it."

Izzy raised her brow but eventually nodded.

"You know how much I used to hate Clary when she first came into our lives, she's still annoying, but looking at her now, at them, they are meant for each other, they complete each other. And I'm really happy that they found each other, all over again." He said, having a bright smile on his face.

"You're right, big brother. Jace will never stop teasing you if he'll hear what you just said. And, I agree, they are meant for each other."

Clary came back to their lives almost two and a half years ago. It took her almost a year and a half after meeting Jace at her painting exhibition to regain her memories of the shadow world. When she remembered Jace at the alley of the building where her exhibition was held, Jace frequented their meetings in the hope that she'd remember everything but hid it from everyone else. That was until Simon found out and confronted him, in the process bumping into her becoming the second person she remembered.

Clary always had an empty space in her heart, a void, which kept telling her that something was missing. That was until she met Jace, and she knew that she knew him from somewhere. There were bits and pieces in her mind of a club, bike riding, or some similar events, but they were never complete.

When both boys told everyone about Clary, it was Magnus who advised them to take things slow and not rush her memories. She met everyone, remembered them one by one, Luke being the third one, then Jocelyn, followed by the incomplete memory of her death, which resulted in regaining her memories at a great pace.

What broke the floodgates of her memories was when Jace and Clary were returning from their date, and they were attacked by a shapeshifting demon, which Clary killed with complete ease, shocked at first, but the sudden appearance and disappearance of her runes made her remember that she's a Shadowhunter.

The most beautiful thing which happened between all this was Clary fell in love with Jace all over again, oblivious about their past and Jace's feelings, making him the happiest person in the universe.

When she remembered everything, and stepped into the institute once again, and got all her runes back, she was visited by her mother's soul once again telling her that the Angels had forgiven her, she still has her extra share of powers, but she needs to be careful this time and not repeat the mistakes she made in the past. From that time on she became a completely new person. Better than before, more fierce, stronger, but still stubborn, annoying, and irritating at times.

The most epic thing to happen was Alec and Clary's relationship. From hating each other to frenemies to friends to a weird brother-sister relationship, they came a long way. The bitter comments Alec used to make about her were now more of teasing and mocking in a good way. They had started understanding each other, making everyone around them shocked with their bonding.

***************************

Simon was already pacing in Alec's room when Izzy and Alec entered, making Alec sigh out of frustration. "Stop digging holes in my carpet, Lewis," Alec commented.

"Really!?"

"Boys!" Izzy shook her head. "I can't with you people!" She mumbled, then turned towards her brother. "So, what did you find Alec?"

"Everything!" He answered and explained to them the complete process of becoming immortal. When he was done both of their faces were filled with shock and astonishment.

"So, you have to drink Fray's blood and ask her to talk to Angel Ithuriel on your behalf, that's... interesting. Do you think she'll agree?" Simon asked curiously.

"That we'll see. Are you both okay with this?" Alec asked hesitantly.

Simon and Izzy exchanged a look. "Of course we are, big brother. I'm really happy for you." She hugged her brother tightly. Alec looked at Simon who nodded and smiled at him, he smiled back and mouthed thank you to him.

They broke their hug and Alec sighed with relief. "I'm glad to have your support, but, Izzy, I need advice, I'm confused."

"What is it?"

"Should I wait for everyone to arrive and talk to them tonight altogether, or I'll talk to everyone privately? I don't know how everyone's gonna react, especially Jace and Clary."

Izzy didn't know what to say to that. She looked at Simon than at her brother, trying to form words when Simon broke the silence.

"Um... I don't know what you think, Iz, but I think you should talk to everyone privately, talking to everyone at the same time would mean too many emotions in one place when you don't know how will everyone react which can become uneasy for you. But it's completely up to you." He said carefully.

"I think you're right Simon, thank you. It might take time, but I'll get a fair amount of time with everyone. And I think I'm going to make Jace and Clary wait for the last." He said with a chuckle.

"Now, Izzy, till the time mom and Luke arrive, why don't you and Clary show me what I've asked for!?" He asked with a wide smile.

Simon had a confused expression from his question, making Alec chuckle with the realization that neither of the women had told anyone about the gifts he had asked them to help him make for Magnus.

"Come on then, big brother. It's in Clary's room." She wrapped her arm around her brother's, dropped the silencing rune, and walked towards Jace and Clary's shared room. When they were near their room they heard loud arguments coming from their room making them exchange looks.

"Can we come in Fray? Or are you both going to continue with whatever you were arguing about?" Simon asked while suppressing his laugh, earning a flying pillow from Clary, which he dodged successfully, making Alec and Izzy burst with laughter, and Jace completely embarrassed.

"Are you people done?" Alec asked.

Clary cleared her throat and steadied herself. "Yeah, come in."

"Are you still working on it, or is it completed? Alec wants to see it." Izzy said the excitement was clearly visible in her voice.

"Oh, are you sure Alec? It's not completed yet."

"Completed or not, I want to see both of your's!"

"Okay, it's in my art room."

"Art room?" "What the hell is going on!?" Alec and Jace said at the same time.

Jace was carefully listening to their conversation, making a frown appear on his forehead. He looked at Simon who was mirroring his confused expressions, but no one else, making his nerves rise.

Alec sighed. "Izzy and Clary, may I know why you both kept it hidden from them?" He waved towards Simon and Jace.

"We thought it would be nice to surprise them too, we want to see their expressions when it's done," Izzy said.

Jace and Simon exchanged a look, Jace was about to say something when Alec raised his hand to shut him up. He shook his head in disbelief. "I didn't get my answer, Art room?"

"Oh, my old room, now that I share the room with Jace, I converted that to my personal Art room. Are you really sure, Alec?"

"Yes, and anyways I want it completed before I leave for Alicante."

"Are you sure, big brother? Will you be able to hide from Magnus for that long?" Izzy raised her brow at him.

"Alec, if this makes you relieved, I got permission from Angels to use the portal rune as a permanent rune for me, and anyways I and Izzy are gonna portal to the lakeside to complete all the decorations you've asked for. You can meet us there and take the gifts from us." Clary said.

Alec looked at Clary in disbelief. "You got permission? That's something. Okay then, take your time, but it should be completed by Wednesday."

"We're almost done, big brother. Don't worry!"

*************

They all walked towards Clary's Art room, Alec was way too excited to see what they've done. Clary opens the door, which was filled with the scent of fresh colors, different shapes of brushes were spread in the whole room and a bunch of them were kept in a pen stand with several watercolor bottles and charcoal pencils on a wooden table in the corner of the room. There were different shapes of canvases filled in the whole room.

Clary went forward and removed a red-colored cloth that was covering a medium-sized canvas, only to reveal 3 frame-sized paintings pinned on the canvas, the 4th one was ongoing and one was empty. Alec's jaw fell on the ground seeing them.

"You... you're painting them!?"

"You like it?" Clary asked nervously, biting her nails, and looked at Izzy.

Alec went forward and traced his fingers over the painting of their wedding, both in tuxedos, holding hands, a look of pure happiness on their faces. "Put this in the center, and frame them properly. Magnus is going to love it. And I do too. Thank you, redhead!"

Clary sighed with relief and nodded with a warm smile.

"What the he-"

"Wow, these are beautiful Fray, so that's not the only surprise you're planning for Magnus? It's so lovely!"

"Yes, there's more Simon. I told you and Izzy alre-"

"What is going on!? And why am I the only one who doesn't know anything!?" Jace yelled.

Alec sighed for the billionth time that day. "Jace, are you really not getting it, or are you seriously not remembering!?"

Every eyes were on Jace now. "Remember wha... oh shit!" He gulped when he realized the paintings were from Alec's wedding to all of their following anniversaries. And it's his brother's anniversary next week.

"Sorry, Alec. I forgot about your anniversary. So, that's why Magnus is not here, you're planning a surprise, huh?" He said teasingly knowing that his brother is bad with surprises.

Alec rolled his eyes and smacked Jace on the back of his head, earning a whiney 'Ow' from him while others burst into laughter. "So, Izzy!?"

"It's in the weapons room, come on!"

*********************

They were all in the weapons room, Izzy had vacated the room for some time, and they were the only five present there. She went towards the right side rack, opened the second last drawer and took out a black-colored box, and walked towards the center table where everyone was standing.

"Big brother, it's yet to be completed. The whole engraving is remaining, you sure!?"

"Engraving?" Others said in unison.

"Yes, Izzy! Just show me whatever is done!"

Izzy opened the box to reveal a set of 3 diamond rings, sitting on fake fingers, two on the base and one in the middle of the finger, each connected with silver chains having tiny emeralds covering the whole chain. It was a really beautiful ring. There was a bundle of diamond cuts sitting on the base of the box.

Everyone's jaws were dropped on the floor. The ring was shining brightly in the dullness of the room.

"Why extra diamonds?" Clary asked curiously.

"These are going to be fixed on the engraving. Alec, thoughts?" She asked, her voice filled with nervousness and excitement.

"Wow! I... I'm speechless. You did a great job, Izzy. Magnus is definitely going to fall in love with it."

"I already am," Clary confessed. Her eyes were shining with the lights the diamond ring was emitting.

"I didn't know my girlfriend was this talented!" Simon said. He and Jace were completely dumbfounded.

They all got out of their trance with a loud squeal Izzy made, way too excited and proud of her work. They all exchanged a look and shook their heads at her.

Before Izzy could say, her phone buzzed and her expressions went from excited to soft.

"What?" Alec asked.

"Mom and Luke are here, you're ready, Alec?"

Alec sighed. "Let's get this over with!"

#asaab #angst with a happy ending #angst #fanfic authors #alec lightwood #fantasy #fanfiction #fanfic #lightwood bane family #malec forever #malec fic #happily married #magnus bane #malec

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officialleotolstoy · 3 years

Text

Oh Natasha/Andrei brainrot we’re really in it now, aka Natasha/Andrei playlist annotations!

Honestly the age gap is so inherently uncomfortable it’s difficult for me to really ship this but I think in terms of the REALLY low bar of W&P marriages/almost-marriages, it’s one of the better ones because they at least mutually care about each other. It’s also just devastating on principle!

There are several distinct sections of song on here, this is one of the few I’ve actually put in a significant order, so I’m going to break it down into that.

Part 1: Initial Meeting/Falling In Love The First Time/General

Absolutely Smitten - dodie

“She wants to dance around the room, kiss you until her lips turn blue”

This song really reminds me of their first meeting when they’re both like 👀 at each other. I like how it captures the excitement but also nerves of the girl, which I feel like is an important feature of Natasha’s part of the relationship.

Helpless - Philippa Soo

“Tryin' to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom”

Sorry to all the ex-Hamilton stans I jumpscared with this, but it’s about the Philippa Soo Singing About Falling In Love vibe. Also the quoted lyric reminds me of their iconic dance scene, or at least the bits leading up to that.

To Noise Making (Sing) - Hozier

“Honey, the look of it was as sweet as the sound; Your head tilt back, your funny mouth to the clouds”

This reminds me of the scene where she sings for him and he’s like WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH im in love! I paraphrase, but you get the idea.

Golden Years - David Bowie

“Look at that sky, life's begun”

This is objectively the stupidest song on here. It’s here because I think it’s funny to imagine the iconic Natasha/Andrei dance just being the Golden Years dance from A Knight’s Tale, HOWEVER the quoted lyric is in fact Andreicore.

Stop The World I Wanna Get Off With You - The Arctic Monkeys

“And I know we got places to go, we got people to see/Think we both oughta put 'em on hold”

‘Wren there are several songs that are on this playlist AND your Andrei/Pierre playlist’ Thank you for noticing it’s because if Tolstoy can recycle the same lines of dialogue for these relationships I can recycle the same songs! This song is just. I Hate Everyone Except You :) which is deeply Andrei @ both of them. But also like wanting life to stop so you can just hang out with Your People.

Strawberry Blond - Mitski

“I love everybody because I love you”

I’m pretty sure someone once pointed out how this lyric fit Andrei/Natasha once in a post and I cannot for the life of me remember who but that made an impression on me. Mystery person, thanks <3 Also I forgot this was a Mitski song??

The Anchor - Bastille

“Bring me some hope by wandering into my mind”

One of Thee things about their relationship that sticks out to me is how Natasha is so lifelike and her very existence gives Andrei hope for the world. It’s so. It’s so much!

Something After All - Starry

“You’ve turned my world around”

Like I said above, falling in love with Natasha really changes Andrei’s entire worldview! I also think “I've spent years building up walls” is very Andrei, and Natasha kind of brought them down, like what happens in the song.

Cosmic Love - Florence + The Machine

“A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes”

IT’S ABOUT THE SPACE METAPHORS FOR LOVE. THIS IS NO ONE ELSE FROM GREAT COMET’S FAULT.

Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

“I know I am a cold cold man: quite slow to pay you compliments or public displayed affections”

It’s about being generally not very emotional or expressive but being devoted to the person anyway...very Andrei-ish.

Ophelia - The Lumineers

“I don't feel nothing at all and you can't feel nothing small”

The quoted lyric just seems like a really good summary of their dynamic, but I also think “Heaven help a fool who falls in love” works well for bitter post-elopement vibes, so this song was difficult to place.

Part 2: Andrei Leaving For Abroad

Misbehavin’ - Pentatonix

For some reason this is on both the Nat/Andrei and Natasha playlists and I’m too lazy to change it. Just go look at those annotations.

No One Else - Great Comet

Duh

To a Poet - First Aid Kit

“I got on a plane and flew far away from you, though unwillingly I left”

This song makes me think of Andrei abroad missing Natasha :( Honey you’ve got a big storm coming

Part 3: Post-Elopement Breakup Songs

I Hope Your Husband Dies - Amigo The Devil

“All the distance that we've spent apart will never have to mean a thing”

This song is VERY much Andrei about Anatole. “Now you're with this asshole, you expect me to believe it's going to last” really works because her relationship with Anatole was never going to last, whether or not she knew that. And “I'm not so much afraid of being alone, just kind of feel I've had enough/And time and time again, time reminds me you'll never be my own/We'll never have a house to decorate, a place that we can call our home” as an Andrei thing makes me very sad!!!

Ruins - First Aid Kit

“Ruins, all the things we built assured that they would last”

I think you can safely say their relationship was in ruins after the elopement attempt. I also think “I lost you, didn't I? First I think I lost myself” is something Natasha would think about the whole scenario

Half of My Heart - John Mayer

“Half of my heart's got the right mind to tell you that I can't keep loving you with half of my heart”

I think this is supposed to be more of an “I don’t love you anymore and that’s on me” song, but I like to mentally frame it in the context of Andrei after the elopement refusing to take back Natasha. I also think all the bits about the singer’s love interest changing the singer’s outlook on life before really fits, like “Lonely was the song I sang 'til the day you came, showing me another way”

Love Like Ghosts - Lord Huron

“You don't want me baby please don't lie/Oh but if you're leaving, I gotta know why”

It’s all about the singer being haunted by a love that doesn’t necessarily reciprocate on the same level, and I think that really fits Andrei’s mindset. It breaks my heart to think about him trying to figure out what he did wrong, why he wasn’t enough for Natasha, and so that quoted lyric really makes me just. :(

Cold Day In Heaven - Delta Rae

“Keep thinking bout when we started, so innocent/Your heart was a mess and I was lost in it”

This whole song is so good for them, it’s essentially just a couple being disappointed that their relationship didn’t work out well. The quoted lyric is so. AAAAHHH. because both of their hearts were messes but for different reasons, Andrei was so hopeless and bleak but Natasha was so naive and not ready for it and it’s so. It’s so Much. Also “We watched, the stars fell, and oh you know we let them/We said it’ll never happen, we said it’ll never happen to us/But it’s a cold day in heaven my love” gets me because 1) star/sky references :( and 2) Natasha especially did say it’d never happen to them, she was adamant that she’d love Andrei forever and that uh. I think we all know how well that worked out!

2 Months. - Zach Adkins

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

“I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug”

This is kind of a generic betrayal/breakup/I-miss-you song, but I think it works. Especially with “I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain” and the focus on the singer’s lover getting them through difficult times and then abandoning them.

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

“Take me back to the night we met”

I think people are legally obligated to have this song on any playlist for a couple that doesn’t end well. It’s generic but it’s good! The entire Strange Trails album my BELOVED!

Careless Whisper - George Michael

“I should have known better than to cheat a friend and waste a chance that I'd been given, so I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you”

UNIRONICALLY THIS SONG. I think it’s the focus on dancing as like a significant marker of the relationship for me, especially given how heavily adaptations focus on their dance at that ball. The quoted lyric reminds me of Natasha’s mindset after all of this. Also “We could have been so good together, we could have lived this dance forever, but now, who's gonna dance with me? Please stay” reminds me of Natasha asking him to forgive her. Not to actually get sad over Careless Whisper but. :,(

With Or Without You - U2

“And you give yourself away”

The quoted lyric is in reference to the elopement in my head, and “I can’t live with or without you” is like. Andrei can’t continue on and let her back into his life, he admits that he can’t forgive her, but he also has no real will to live after she betrays him and goes off to die in war.

Atlantis - Seafret

“We've built this town on shaky ground”

“This town” is in reference to their relationship, and I like the acknowledgment that there was never a great foundation to begin with. And “maybe I’m not built for love” as an Andrei lyric is a little heartbreaking! Other than that it’s just a Breakup Song.

I Don’t Wanna See You Cryin’ Anymore - Adam Melchor

“I don't wanna be the reason you can't trust me like before/My head's in my hands as I'm shaking on the bathroom floor”

This reminds me of Natasha’s deep guilt over her betrayal of Andrei. The implication that Andrei would ever let anyone see him cry is a bit much for me, just ignore that HFJAHDHSH

Part 4: Reconciling While Andrei ✨Dies✨

Fake It - Bastille

“We can never go back, we can only do our best to recreate”

This whole is song is about trying to move forward from bad things in the past with your lover which is the whole vibe! But I also think it shows some reluctance on the part of the singer to forget, and a bit of a desperation to be able to leave the mistakes in the past. “Help me turn a blind eye” really captures that. I like this as the early stages of them reconnecting, because I think it’s realistic to have Andrei especially be wary but wanting it to get better.

Bad Blood - Bastille

“All this bad blood here, won’t you let it dry?”

Letting go of a grudge and trying to move on vibes!

Let It All Go - Birdy, Alvaro Soler

“We’re strong enough to let it go”

All their hurt surrounding the elopement is the Thing they’re letting go of in this case.

Flaws - Bastille

“You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground”

The quoted lyric just feels like their general dynamic to me. Natasha is so open about everything and does indeed wear her heart on her sleeve whereas Andrei represses every emotion he’s ever felt. I think this is a post-elopement song because of “Dig them up; let’s finish what we started”. That feels like them reexamining their relationship and what went wrong and trying again.

Moscow - Autoheart

“All I need’s a fraction of your happy heart”

This song is so 🥺. “We both know what we’ve got to do: head back to where the magic grew” reminds me of them accepting their reconnection and moving on and trying to rekindle whatever was between them. And “Let’s get a dog, an Irish red setter, it’s all we need to get better” feels emblematic of them looking forward to domestic happiness as the solution. And the quoted lyric screams Andrei about Natasha.

The Heart Is A Muscle - Gang of Youths

“I will look at love as more than just an instrument of pain”

Not to be off topic but this whole album is so good every single song makes me feel SHRIMP EMOTIONS god. Also the whole thing is very Andreicore and I had to stop myself from adding every song to his playlist. But I digress. This song is all about having been hurt by love in the past (“I let bad love betray me once”) but deciding to open your heart again which is very them! “I haven't had enough and I wanna love someone” AAAAHHHH. “I am human now and terrified, but want it all the same” Mr. GangOfYouths im going INSANE! “I just ask you to be patient if you’ll have me still” HELLO? Not to quote the whole song but “I wanna be loved, I wanna be whole again, so tuck my hair behind my ears and touch my soul again” as an Andrei/Natasha lyric...I need to sit down. Can you all tell this song makes me go all kinds of crazy. And this isn’t even my favorite song off the album!

Shrike - Hozier

“I couldn’t utter my love when it counted, ah but I’m flying like a bird to you now”

This song feels very “we tried to have a relationship a while ago and it didn’t work out that well but I still love you we could try again” to me which fits this time very well!

Part 5: Andrei Goes Splat :( [And The Aftermath]

Work Song - Hozier

“No grave can hold my body down, I’ll crawl home to her”

I can’t say what it is exactly, but something about persistent love framed around the death motif works for me here.

Dancing After Death - Matt Maeson

“As the sun waits to eclipse and the taste teases my lips, I'm too tired to wrestle with it”

The quoted lyric reminds me of Andrei giving up and shutting down when he realizes he’s gonna die :( oh ALSO my brain always mentally fills in “and no one else” after the “you and I” that ends the chorus which does NOT help with my depression!

One Last Time - Jaymes Young

“Could I feel your skin on mine before I have to say goodbye?”

SCREAMS SO LOUDLY. The whole song is like. Someone dying and wanting to see their person one last time and AAAAAAAAAAA. I am a little incoherent maybe. “I'm leavin' this cold world of mine, no pleadin' is gonna turn back time” really Gets Me in the context of Andrei accepting his own death and withdrawing and it’s so. Anyway.

Oblivion - Bastille

“When oblivion is calling out your name, you always take it further than I ever can”

I don’t think this is exactly what the song is talking about, but the quoted lyric in the context of Andrei dying and Natasha watching him fade and withdraw...good Lord. I need emotional support.

Haunt - Bastille

“I’ll come back to haunt you/Memories will taunt you”

Natasha being haunted by the memory of Andrei!!! Help me!!!! Also “I will try to love you/It’s not like I’m above you” as a callback to Andrei’s feelings for Natasha when they start to reconnect is so mental illness inducing. OOOH and “Questioning why as you look to the sky that is cloudless up above our heads and thoughts come to mind that our short little lives haven't left the path that they will tread” any lyric ever about looking at the sky is Andrei’s now.

Without You - for KING & COUNTRY

“What do you do when you don't get better/Strong arms get too, get too weak to hold her”

:( :( :( :( :( Also “I’m not ready to live without you” I am so sad.

Good Grief - Bastille

“Every minute and every hour I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more”

Pain! Agony, even!

I made myself SO sad writing the entire last half of these annotations geez

#im so sad im so sad im so sad!#war and peace #great comet #natasha rostova #andrei bolkonksy #uhhh whats their ship name?#w&p playlists #my post #figured out how to do a read more bc this post is so LONG

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pixie88 · 3 years

Text

The Sleepover

Chapter 13 - Always the Bridesmaid.

A/N: I wasn’t planning on releasing another chapter so soon but I’m going away for the weekend and I wanted to get one of my drafts out quick! I push myself with the smut scene hoping it actually reads OK! I hope you like it.

If you would like to be ADDED or REMOVED just let me know! I hate to annoy people with tags.

Read previous chapters HERE!

Warnings: Fluff & NSFW

Word Count: 2178

Pairings: Laila x Harry

Enjoy!

2 Weeks later

Poppy had broken her arm when she fell. With her arm in a cast, Laila had promised she could come over for a sleep over. "Are you sure you don't mind me staying?" he asks Laila for the 100th time today "I'm starting to think you don't want to stay?"

"I do, I just don't want to intrude" he stands in the doorway of the guest room as she makes up the bed "To be honest with ya, I think if you don't stay Poppy won't be happy. She wants to meet you," he smiles "Fine, I'll stay, but do we get to have our own little fun once she's gone to bed?"

She shook her head at him, "If you a good boy," she jokes, as she passes him "Oh, by the way, if Poppy doesn't like you, we are finished" she teases him as she walks away "What?!" he questions. She looks over her should at him "Joking!" she laughs.

He is about to get her back for that when the buzzer goes, Laila buzzes them up "Hey, Lolly Pop! How's your arm?" Poppy sighs, "Still poorly, Auntie Laila. Are you Auntie Laila's boyfriend?" she looks over to Harry, who crouches down to her level "I am! You must be Princess Lolly Pop?" she smiles at him.

"Are you sure you two don't mind having her?" Nikki asks her "We will have loads of fun, won't we Pops? Plus will give you a night off with Lewis at Uni and Erica at her mates. Maybe you and Stu might get an early night" Laila winks at her "Oh, stop it! How are you Harry?" he looks up "Great thanks! You OK?"

"I'm good just looking forward to a kiddie free Saturday night so thank you! Both of you!" Laila smiles at her "Harry, Do you like dressing as a princess?" Poppy asks, "And on that note, I will leave you to it. Love you Poppy and behave yourself!" Nikki warns her before she leaves.

A hour later, Harry is getting his nails painted, Poppy has already done his make up and his hair. Laila laugh "I've never fancied more than I do now! That pink lipstick around the lips brings out your eyes!"

"Poppy, I think Auntie Laila needs a makeover" Poppy looks over to her then back to Harry "No, she has make up on already!" Laila laughs, "I'm going to make dinner Spaghetti bolognese OK?" they both nod leaving them to it.

Once Laila is out of the room Poppy looks over to the kitchen door, then to her bag "I made Auntie Laila this for her birthday. Do you think she will like it?" she pulls out a plastic beaded bracelet from her bag "Her birthday? When's her birthday?" he asks.

"Mummy said it's in 6 weeks," he looks down at her bracelet "I bet she will love it" she's beaming "Really?" he nods, they have never really spoken about birthdays he had his a few weeks before the stag do. His mind has gone into overtime trying to think what to get her.

After dinner and a bath the credits roll on Cinderella. Laila looks down to Poppy who is fast asleep "Harry!" She whispers, he looks over to her "I need to get her into bed," she moves trying not to wake her, she's about to lift her, but Harry stops her "I'll move her, you aren't going to be able to lift a 7 year old"

She rolls her eyes at him "OK, Mr Muscles!" He picks up Poppy with ease and walks towards the spare bedroom with Laila following him. Laila tucks her in and kisses her good night before pulling up the door.

"I'm going for a shower to wash off this make up!" She laughs "But you look gorgeous," she teases him, he pulls her towards him so her body is pressed against his. His hands rest on her curves, her arms go around his neck "Do you want to join me?" He smirks.

"I would love to but I better not just in case she wakes up," he huffs "OK, I won't be long!" He wanders off to the bathroom.

Laila loads the dishwasher before heading to the bedroom to change into her PJs. Harry wanders in with just a towel around his waist and another drying his hair "Film in bed?"she asks as she's undressing.

He smiles at her "We can put one on but I don't plan on watching it" he winks making her blush. He's inches away from her, she runs her fingers through his damp curls.

His lips crash against hers, his short beard is rough against her face as she pushes herself onto her tiptoes, his arms wrap around her waist and he rest his hands on the smalls of her back. Her hands move to the wrapped towel pulling it off, she grasps his stiffened member and he groans against her lip.

Her lips trail over his neck, down his chest until she's on her knees in front of him. Grasping the base, he takes a deep breath, her tongue circles his tip making him groan. She engulfed him with her mouth as she runs her tongue from the base to the tip, his hand tangles in her hair, he gently pulls a little moving her to his pace.

Her hands pressed against the curves of his arse, each time she reaches the tip she sucks against it "Fuck! Laila...that's..!" his hips thrust forward. She looks up at him and their eyes lock, she loves watching him come undone and squirm in front of her. Harry grunts, each thrust move further inside her hitting the back of her throat as her tongue presses against him.

His legs are barely holding him up, his pace quickens as he's riding her lips "Laila..I'm..gonna" it's too late, he jerks as he hits his climax. Laila smirks up at him, he pulls her up claiming her lips with his. His hand comes to the back of her neck while his other slips into her underwear and the pads of his fingers skim over her throbbing centre.

He walks her backwards until she falls onto the bed, not wasting another second he pulls down her underwear. Propping her feet on the bed as he crouches down at the edge.

He hadn't staved his face in over 2 weeks because he remembers how she told him she loved how his facial hair felt against her most intimate areas of her body. Now was the time to test out that theory, he gently kissed her apex before he parted her folds with his tongue, she bit down on her lip trying to keep herself quiet.

He move from the bottom all the way up to her clit, making her struggle to stay silent, her back arches so her spine is barely touching the mattress. His beard brushes over her centre, making her tingle as she bucked her hips.

He pulls her further towards him, throwing her legs over his shoulders. His tongue swirling round her clit before moving inside her again. His finger dig into the top of her thighs as he rolls his tongue over her again and again.

"Oh...shit!" She moans, he smirks against her, he knew she couldn't keep quiet for long. She clutches his hair, moves her hips to match his rhythm. He can tell she's close, so he speeds up his pace, he runs his thumb over her clit as his mouth works inside her.

Her breathing is heavy, her movements become faster "Harry!" She falls over the edge, not even down from her high, his body covers hers as his hard shaft pushes past her entrance.

His lips claim hers, she wraps her legs around his hips, he fully claims her not taking any prisoners.

"Ohh Harry!" His thrusts are hard, her nails dig into his back. His hands move to pull her off her bra, he softly kisses her lips before grazing his teeth down her pulse line to her chest. He sucks against her breath below her collarbone, she giggles "Harry, you're going to leave a mark!"

She feels him smirk "That's the whole point!" He moves back up to her pulse line teasing that he's going to mark her there "Not there! I can't go into work Monday with a hickey"

He chuckles "Fine!" He moves his hips harder and faster against hers, her heels dig into his arse. "Ahhh! Baby!" Suddenly he pulls out of her.

"Harry!?" He answers her question by flipping her onto her front pulling her to stand, but bending her over the bed with her hands flat against the mattress, he runs his cock over her core before he pushes into her deep, his hands grasp her hips. He draws all the way out just leaving in the tip before he thrust his hips forward into her again, "Ohh!" she moans.

She clenches around him, his pace speeds up and she begins to circle her hips to match his rhythm. He groans "Laila! Fuck! Keep doing that," she continues her movements, which pushes him deeper with each thrust. He pushes her barriers and hits the right spot.

He leans over as he keeps moving inside her, his hands come between her legs and works against her clit "Oh god!" she moans. "Harry....harder!" He thrusts into her again making her arch her back, his nails drag down her spine "Laila, I'm....gonna come" she smirks and begins to circle her hips. He thrusts into her harder, making her own climax build.

He thrust harder, deeper she cries out "YES!!!! Ohhh!" her moans make him fall over the edge "Ahhh..Laila Fuck!" he jerks as he reaches his high. He collapses onto her and she falls onto the bed, still panting "You don't think Poppy heard do you?" he chuckles "I hope not! We should get cleaned up and check on her" he pulls her up with him.

After a quick shower Laila checks on Poppy who's still fast asleep, Harry pops his head in "Is she OK?" she nods and they make their way back to her bedroom "You were so sweet with her today," he smiles "Well, I do have my own nieces and nephews!" she laughs remembering Mila attacking him with a pen.

~*~*~*~

The next day he's making breakfast, Poppy had come into Laila's bedroom at 5AM, but instead of waking Laila, she woke Harry "Brown sauce or red? Choose wisely otherwise we can't be friends" he jokes. She thinks for second "Brown!" he high fives her "Brilliant choice!" he had made them a bacon and eggs sandwich for breakfast.

A little later Laila wakes and finds them in the living room watching The Little Mermaid as she rubs the sleep from her eyes "Morning, sleepyhead" Harry smiles at her. She cuddles up next to him on the sofa "What time did you two get up?"

"Poppy, woke me at 5" Laila pulls away "You should have woken me. I would have gotten up with her," he chuckles "It's fine"

"Can you pause it? I need a wee" Poppy gets up and heads for the loo, Harry pauses it "Between you and me, I think I made a friend," he smirks "Must be that irresistible charm" she kisses him on the lips "The same irresistible charm that knocked your socks off" he winks.

She pretends to size up his head "What are you doing?" she smirks "Just making sure your head will still fit through the door frame!" he grabs her, pinning her to the sofa as he hovers over her, he begins to tickle her "Harry! Har...rrr...y, S..T..O..P! That...ahhhh..tickles!" he's laughing as she tries to move out of his grasp but it's no use.

She tries to pull his hands away, but nothing works, she cups his face and crashes her lips with his causing him to stop. His hands freeze, he deepens the kiss "Auntie Laila, Look, I blew up this balloon all by myself" they stop and look over to Poppy. Laila's a little confused "Pops, I don't have any ballo...Shit! Pops give that here!" Harry realises what she's blown up and howls as Laila rushes over to her taking the blown up condom from Poppy.

Poppy sits back down next to Harry "Auntie Laila doesn't like to share! There are loads in the bathroom! Why did she have to take mine?" Harry chuckles to himself.

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 14.

@lem-20 @secretaryunpaid @aussieez @khoicesbyk @shewillreadyou @irisofpurple @tea-me-kah @casualpostqueen

#atb #always the bridesmaid #pixie88 #pixie88 original #fiction #fictional story #original writing #original work #harry x laila

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labarboteuse · 3 years

Note

Ill request something!! My favorite is Nixon so of course its about him 🙄😂 with a prompt “Don’t give up on me” angst/ fluffy imagine.

Thanks for your request ! There it is, maybe it’s a little bit too long, sorry for that. 😅 I know I asked you who could be like a big brother/best friend but finally I totally changed my mind, the first idea was too much long, like reeeaaallyyyyyy. So maybe I’ll do it in two or three parts later. 😂 Anyway, I’m not really proud of it, not sure of the quality of the end, but I hope it will be angsty and fluffy enough, and that you will like it ! 😘

Don't give up on me. (Lewis Nixon x Reader imagine)

Once again Lewis forced on the bottle, but this time it’s not just about a hangover.

Strident. The noises of the sirens outside were strident. She had the feeling it was drilling her eardrums. She wanted to ask for it to stop but nothing came out from her mouth. Blue and red lights were dancing in front of her eyes she could hardly keep open. A far away voice was covered by the sirens which continued to ring in her head. Seeming far away but yet very close.

“Sweetheart, stay with me please, keep your eyes open.”

Her gaze swept over the surroundings trying to remember what happened. Unable to make a single move, her eyes stopped on the man next to her. Lew. But once again, nothing came out. Sitting on the driver’s side, his head resting on the headrest he was looking at her, fright in the eyes. Blood had sunk from his eyebrow arch, presumably due to the impact against the steering wheel. She felt his hand take hers and tighten it.

“Y/N !” Lewis called her desperately as she felt her eyelids close before sink in darkness.

One hour earlier.

“I think you shouldn't drive Lew.”

“It’s ok, I’m fine and feel good enough to drive. Plus, I am used to drink, booze doesn't has any effect on me anymore.” He joked.

“Yeah, that's the problem.” She mumbled.

He kissed her forehead and took his place behind the steering wheel before she could add anything. Y/N sighed and sat on the passenger’s side. Both were invited at a retirement party of an old employee of Nixon Nitration Works. Obviously, Lewis hadn’t resisted to drink. Actually, he hadn’t need to be invited anywhere or at any party to drink. As the night felt down outside, Y/N was looking through the window, a way to escape a new argument with her husband about his excessive and frequent alcohol consumption. Finally, he broke the silent.

“Say it.” She turned her head towards him.

“Say what?”

“All the things you used to say.”

“Be clearer Lewis, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Oh don’t you ? You perfectly know. You hate when I drink too much.”

“If you know, so why are you continuing?”

He turned his face towards her.

“Watch the road please.”

“So what ? Are you going to give me one of you life lesson ?”

“Lew I’m not kidding, watch the road!”

“Stop yelling ! I’m fine, it’s fine ! Don’t str-”

Two seconds of inattention. It’s what it took to leave the road, one sharp bend, two seconds and it was over.

It was hard for Lewis to see his wife laying in that hospital bed. Especially because it was his fault. Feeling his heart squeeze, he leaned on the wall in front of him. What had he done? The door opened and a little head passed through it. It opened bigger and he saw his parents enter with his two children. Their five years old girl ran towards the bed while his mother gave him the eight months boy.

“How is she?” His father asked.

“She still unconscious, they don’t know much for the moment.”

With her grandmother’s help, the little girl climbed onto the bed, grabbing her mother’s arm she shook slowly, angst on her face.

“Mommy, mommy wake up.”

It broke Lewis’s heart, his children may had lost their mom because of him. Devastated at the sight of his daughter asking for her mom, he gave back his son to his mother as he began to cry, reaching out his arm towards his mother. Lewis made his daughter go down the bed, knelt down to be at her height and kissed her forehead telling her everything will be ok. The four of them left the room letting him alone with Y/N.

Lewis sat down on a chair next to the bed and passed his hands through his hair, keeping his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. What if she died? What was he going to tell to her parents? How was he going to tell that after he took their daughter from them, after he killed her. Y/N’ s parents never loved Lewis. They knew about his alcohol issues, plus, their daughter moved at the opposite side of the country to be with him and for that they resented him. The machines made alarming noises and quickly doctors and nurses went in, tell him to leave the room.

Sitting on a chair in the corridor he looked at his children in front of him, his daughter asleep in her grandma’s arms and his son in his grandfather’s. How could he did that to them? How would he explain them that their mother will probably never coming back again ? How would he tell them it was his fault? Would his children be taken away from him? How could he live with that on his conscious ? He couldn’t. A doctor came back to tell him her heart stopped few minutes but they had intervened in time and he could go back to her.

Sitting back on the chair he leaned over her taking her hand in his.

“I don’t know if you hear me. Maybe it’s the case but you don’t even want to listen to me. I know you won’t never forgive me for that. And I know you won’t, because I know you’re gonna live. Because I rather prefer you to live and leave me, than you died. Please wake up, wake up and yell at me, tell me I’m the biggest asshole on earth, tell me you’re gonna divorced, you’re gonna take the kids away, but at least you will be alive. I could kill myself for having hurt you.” A tear felt down his cheek. “I should’ve listened to you, you’re always right. Forgive me for being the worst husband on earth. I love you, and maybe your greatest mistake was to love me back. You should’ve listened to your parents, I’m not good for you, you deserve so much better.” He kissed her hand and squeezed it. “Please stay with me, stay with us. They need you. I need you. I promise I won’t drink anymore. Not a single drop. Don’t give up on me.”

After his parents came back to say goodbye before bringing the children home, he stayed here. Staying all night sitting in the same uncomfortable chair beside her, keeping her hand in his. He didn’t fall asleep, how could he? It was his fault if she was laying there between life and death. He was anxious, devasted and angry towards himself.

Finally, when the first rays of sunshine went through the window, she felt their warmth stroking her cheek. Hardly she tried to open her eyes, blinded by the sunlight. As she woke up, all the pain due to the accident and the wounds woke up as well. She winced and slowly turned her head towards the window, subconsciously, she’d never thought see the sun again.

She groaned when she felt the pain which attracted Lew’s attention who was looking through the window lost in his mind. When he saw her opened eyes he almost jumped to the bed.

“Sweetheart ..” He didn’t dare to say anything else, what could he said ? She probably wanted to kill him and he couldn’t blame her.

“Lew …” She tried with a low voice.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“I’m thirsty ..” She continued with a weak voice.

He poured her a glass of water which was on the bedside table and gave it to her. Slowly, like she just woke up from a year sleep, she took the glass from both hands and he helped her to drink. Seeming exhausted she rested her head on the white pillow looking at him.

“Do you remember ?” She nodded. “I cannot say how much I’m sorry. Please forgive me, you were right, I shouldn’t have been driving.”

She reached out her hand toward his cheeks, him expected her to slap him. Instead of that she just stroke it. Allowing himself to do more he bent over her to kiss her forehead, gently caressing her hair.

“I’m so sorry ..” She could feel the pain in his voice.

“I know.” She responded with a soft voice.

“And I love you.”

“I know it too.”

“And I’ll accept every choice you will make.”

Maybe her biggest mistake had been to fall in love with him. That was probably what people around them could thinking. That she was too kind, too innocent for him. Yes, he was an absolute idiot sometimes, but he was her idiot. She would never regret her choice, she loved him too much for that, she needed him as much as he needed her. They were meant to be together.

“Lew ?”

“Yes sweetheart ?”

“I won’t give up on you.”

He smiled as he understood she heard everything he said while she was unconscious. Squeezing her hand near his chest, caressing her hair with the other, he bent down once again to kiss her. Realizing he had almost lost the most precious thing is his life, he was now ready to make all the efforts to give up on alcohol, she and their children deserved it more than anything.

#band of brothers #band of brothers imagine #lewis nixon #lewis nixon imagine #band of brothers fanfic

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naturallytom · 4 years

Text

Before You Go (Spencer Reid x reader)

a/n: this is for @dontshootmespence‘s 8k writing challenge!! i haven’t written for spencer in a hot second so i hope you guys like it!!

warnings (pls pay attention to these): heavy implications of suicide and struggling with mental illness, death, grieving, angst

if you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, i encourage you to call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. please never forget that all of you are so so loved and my inbox and messages are always open if you need a friend or some encouragement💗

prompt: grief + before you go by lewis capaldi

please reblog/leave feedback!!

I fell by the wayside like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself Spencer watched nearly emotionlessly as the casket was lowered into the ground. The casket that held you. His best friend. He stood there for hours that seemed to drag on for days. He stood there until the last person left the service, leaving him alone. It was then that he allowed himself to fall to his knees, hot tears streaming down his face. Anger filled his veins and suddenly all he could think was “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” Who was he kidding? Of course he didn’t hate you. He loved you. You were his best friend. He couldn’t hate you if he tried. But he was still angry. He was angry that you left. He was angry that you felt like you couldn’t tell him what you were dealing with. Most of all, he was angry at himself for not picking up on the signs sooner.

Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say He couldn’t concentrate. Hotch gave him time off to deal with your death but even with his days empty for once, he couldn’t concentrate on any of the books he was trying to read to distract himself. Memories of you and him flooded his mind, but every time they popped up, they were quickly replaced by words that Spencer needed to say, but didn’t get the chance. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t say them when he could. He knew everyone could hurt under the surface of what they present to the world, but he genuinely didn’t think it was you that was hurting. You were so bubbly, so lively, so seemingly happy. No one could have guessed that you were dealing with the worst kind of pain underneath it all.

So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

The thoughts plagued Spencer. Every day and every night it was like a constant cycle of wondering what he could’ve said to help you and the complete feeling of helplessness of not knowing you were battling such awful demons. He kept trying to think back and remember any signs he might’ve overlooked but every time his brain came up empty. Yet every time he couldn’t help but think that if only he had known, maybe, just maybe, you’d still be here today. He wondered if there was anything he could’ve said to make it all better for you. Logically, he knew that wasn’t possible and it killed him knowing that your own mind made you feel as shitty as you did. But he wished there was a magic word that would’ve taken your pain away. He would’ve taken away your pain in a heartbeat.

Was never the right time, whenever you called Went little by little by little until there was nothing at all

The weeks before your death you called Spencer. You called him when you were done with work and it seemed like it was never a good time for him. “Sorry this case is really bad and they need everyone- I’ll call you back, alright?” “Max and I are planning a date for that day, does a different time work?” “It’s just not a good time right now, I’m sorry.” He sighed. “But I promise you, once I get some free time, we will have a day to ourselves, sound good?” You stopped calling after a while. Our every moment, I start to replay “Spence come ‘ere!” You called, sitting on your couch. “The movie’s about to start!” “The popcorn’s almost done!” He replied, the timer going off right as he said that. He chuckled, hearing you groan impatiently. He knew you were dying to see this movie, but it still amused him when he walked into the living room seeing you pouting. “What took you so long?” You grumbled playfully, Spencer rolling his eyes. “The delicious popcorn you’re eating.” He remarked. “Gonna hit play?” “Hell yeah.” You replied, grabbing the remote. “I’ve been dying to see this movie.” “I know.” “Well you should. I’ve been talking about it for ages.” You chuckled. “You have. I haven’t forgotten your rambles about it.” He smiled. “You truly are something special.” Spencer woke up in a sweat, hot tears pouring down his face, similar to the day of your funeral. It wasn’t the first time this happened. Replayed memories of the two of you came back in his dreams. It was bittersweet- he got to see you again. You were laughing and smiling and full of life but when he woke up he was faced with the harsh reality that you weren’t here.

You weren’t with him on your weekly movie nights, rambling about how a movie got something wrong or endlessly praising something they did right. You weren’t at a team party, filling the environment with laughter and telling bad jokes. You weren’t telling Penelope about a cute puppy you saw walking down the street on your way to get coffee before work. And reality was, you’d never do any of those things again. Spencer let the sobs wrack through his body. Loud, heaving sobs filled his room and he cried until he thought he couldn’t cry anymore. And then he cried some more. He knew about the five stages of grief. He had told too many families of victims that it was normal to feel angry or in shock or depressed about their loved one’s death. That the grieving process took time and everyone experiences it differently. He understood all that, but why did it feel so abnormal for him? It felt like he was in a never ending cycle of denial, anger, and depression, but never quite getting to the acceptance stage. It felt like he had been grieving for years when it had only been weeks. Still, he felt like he should’ve been ready to go back to work by now. Yet every time he talked to JJ about it, he broke down and every time Morgan asked him how he was doing, all he could manage was a very weak “I’m fine,” which Morgan knew meant that he was not fine. The team all understood. You were Spencer’s absolute best friend, you were with him nearly all the time when the two of you weren’t working. They understood it was an extremely sudden change for Spencer. Having someone with you all the time to them not being there at all with no possibility of them ever coming back was something they saw happen far too frequently. Spencer tried a couple times to go back to work and each time everyone on the team would ask him if he felt ready to be back and he said yes but every time the case was introduced, he would break down. JJ and Morgan thought it’d be best for him to see the team in a non-work setting. No one could deny that what they do wasn’t an easy job, especially not while you’re grieving. So they organized for each member of the team to pick up a different type of takeout (each kind one of Spencer’s favorites) and they would it bring it by and have dinner as a team- something they didn’t do as much as they hoped. Once they were all gathered outside his apartment, JJ knocked and they all waited patiently for him to open the door (like they hoped he would). When Spencer opened the door greeted by the team, each with a different kind of his favorite takeout in their hands, confusion took over his features before tears filled his eyes and a soft smile formed on his lips. Wordlessly, he opened the door and let each member of the team in, each of them giving him a hug and a small smile. And for the first time in a long time, Spencer felt like the void that was left when you died was slowly starting to be filled.

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid angst #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds fic #criminal minds angst #nicolesalphabetangstfor8k #suicide tw #mental illness tw

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nanbaka-82 · 3 years

Text

No one asked and no one will probably read but here’s songs that remind me of some of my most beloved hypmic boyos (Yes I wrote this at five am and I was being biased) Alert this is very long and shitty don’t read if ya don’t wanna get a brain rot and I advise you not to break your mind before 2nd drb.

Bonus up top:

All Stars + Kotonohoto:

- This Is The Moment - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

CLASSIC LOVE IT KEEP GETTING DRB VIBES

- I’m Ready - AJR

THIS IS LIKE DIVISION ALL STARS VS KOTONOHOTO

Yotsutsuji:

- Three Thirty - AJR

IM NOT SURE ABOUT THIS ONE AT ALL but since he’s a character that we never really got to understand and analyze, or maybe the fact that he was put falsely into his comatose state pains me.

“You start thinking about the clock ticks, you get nervous, you start stressing, so how am I supposed to fit this, in three minutes, and thirty seconds?”

“Listen to my aching heart. Quick before you skip the song. We are human after all. And we. Don’t. Stay. For. Long”

Naughty Dialogue/MCD +:

- Bang - AJR

JUST LOVE THE VIBE

“I’m way too young to lie here forever (IchiKuko) I’m way too old to try so whatever (SamaSasa) so come hang! We’ll go out with a bang!”

- Partners in crime - ft. Ash Costello

The vibe too! Idk I really like it!

- A Bud Like You - AJR

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH IT FITS THEM EVEN MORE HELL YES

Naughty Busters:

- Rope - Kulick

“I keep slipping on down but I can’t let go yet”

Pain

- Kids In The Dark - All Time Low

“They left us alone, the kids in the dark, to burn out forever or light up a spark, we come together, state of the art, we’ll never surrender, so let the the world sing”

More pain but cute

Mad Comic Dialogue:

- I’m Not Ok - Weathers

HHHHH THIS SONG IS ONE OF MY FAVES

“IM JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE FUCKED UP LIKE EVERYONE ELSE”

- Weak - AJR

“But I’m weak, and what’s wrong with that? Boy oh boy I love it when I fall for that” (fall for each other those Lil gay boiz)

- Broken -lovelytheband

“I like that you’re broken broken like me, maybe that makes me a fool?” (sasa)

“I like that you’re lonely lonely like me, I could be lonely with you” (sama)

“There’s something tragic, but almost pure, think I could love you, but I’m not sure” (sama)

“It’s something wholesome, it’s something sweet, tucked in your eyes that I’d love to meet” (sasa)”

- Rose Colored Boy - Paramore

Y e s

- Sober Up- AJR

“Hello hello, I’m not where I’m supposed to be, I hope that you’re missing me, cuz it makes me feel young”

*Cries in SamaSasa*

“Won’t you help me sober up? Growing up had made me numb, and I wanna feel something again. Won’t you help me sober up? All the big kids say I’m drunk and I wanna feel something again. Won’t you help me feel something again... how’s it go again?”

“And I wanna feel something again. I just wanna feel something again. (My favorite color is you)”

“Can I finally feel something again?”

*Cries in SamaSasa again*

Otome (I’m so in it for her):

Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez

Just. Her backstory. Shit.

Fling Posse:

- TMD (Talk Me Down) - R & R

This song just reminds me of the overall relationship between fling posse! I’d make an edit but I’m lazy and sad

- It’s On Us - AJR

(Honestly AJR is my emotional anchor and it’s obvious)

“It’s not your fault you don’t feel safe it’s not your fault so don’t take blame (no it’s on us)”

“We can try together, make it right together, we can fight together, it’s on us, though your trust is stolen, though your heart is broken, you are never broken, it’s on us”

“We know what we need to do we’ll be there it’s not on you”

Now da main course:

Samatoki Aohitsugi:

- Karma - AJR :

THAT PART WHERE ITS LIKE “Where the hell is the karma?” HNGGG

- Can I Get a Witness - Sonreal :

OKAY hear me out:

“I fell in love with you cuz you made me feel, I fell in love with you cuz you kept it real, but you changed up on me, you changed your flow, and now I’ve been hating on you every where I go”

BASICALLY YEAH AND THE REST OF THE SONG TOO

- Honest - Nico Collins

No comment...

- Middle Finger - BOHNES

Oh god I love this song

“But I refuse to let you make me feel like I can’t fly, not only will I soar again, I’ll own the fucking sky”

“Livin like a riot, setting off the sirens, fists are clenched I’m fighting, soul has been ignited, ain’t got time for dying, I’m too busy thriving, more than just surviving, heart is beating violent”

And just so much more, this song reminds of his spirit that no matter how many times it’s been broke down just won’t give up, and I love it

- Little Poor Me - Layto

“I tried hard you know I care, I care, I care, just a little poor me, just a little poor me”

The way he protected what he loved with all his heart, Sasara and Nemu, yet, he still lost them at the end.

Jyuto Iruma:

The Car - Nightly

Idk why it fits him—the feel of it I guess

Ramuda Amemura (maNy but I chose):

- Rabbit Hole - AViVA

Gives me the feel where he drags people down with him but wants to escape

- Hypnotized - AViVA

I DONT EVEN GOTTA FUCKIN SAY IT

“Can’t you see you’re hypnotized? Locked inside those eyes. Now don’t you go out at night, you’ll end up hypnotized”

“Look into my eyes find it so appealing look into my eyes send your body reeling, now you’re hypnotized, drag you down down down”

Gentaro Yumeno:

- The Way - Layto

Not so sure about this one—but

“New Speak, show and tell, this will be my hardest sell, wise men, always say, sadness raps in golden plate”

Reminds me of how he was bullied and unsocial in school, also how his care takers were elders and made him happy

- 100 Bad Days - AJR

“A 100 days made a hundred good stories, a 100 good stories make me interesting in parties”

NSJSBSJJSISS LISTEN IT F I T S

Dice Arisugawa:

- Disaster Party - MAGIC GIANT

FUCKIN-THIS SONG IS SO DICE STFU AND

“You’re a brave heart, but you’re broken, and an Angel, but you’re choking”

THIS REMINDS ME OF HOW DICE SILENTLY ACKNOWLEDGES GENTARO AND RAMUDA BUT DOESNT PUSH INTO THEIR BUSINESS! WHAT A GOOD BOY WE HAVE oh and

“Throw away all your money” hhhhh

- I’m Not Famous - AJR

Reminds me oh how he could have been literal royalty but decided to say fuck it

Hifumi Izanami:

- Echo - Crusher-P

We don’t talk about why I link this to fumi

- Oh oh and there’s this part in Parents - Yungblud, “Hi nice to meetcha! Got nothing to believe in! So tell me when my breathing, stops-“ idk it reminds me of his phobia and past

- Make you Mine - Public The Band

HHHH HES SOFT BBY OKAY

Doppo Kannonzaka:

- Isolate - SubUrban

“Segregated, situated, hanging on, sophisticated, liberated, nauseated, I just want my medication, individuality and blue lights give me headaches, I’m not changing for the better, I’m just changing clothes on weekends”

Need I say more?

- Come Hang Out - AJR

I personally love this one

“Come hang out cuz you’re outta your mind, you’re working so damn hard, you forgot what you like, come hang out, don’t you leave us behind. But, I’ll be there next time”

“Come hang out cuz you’re missing your life”

“Should I go for more clicks this year? Or should I follow the click in my ear?”

I feel like this song is from everyone who cares about him which is also me—

Jyushi Aimono/Hitoya Amaguni:

- Crybaby - Melanie Martinez

ABSOLUTELY NOT SHIPPING but the part where it’s like

“I look at you and I see myself”

Makes me cry because I remember how Hitoya lost his brother to bullying then you have Jyushi so he wants to help the little boy live his life and achieve his goals, unlike his brother, sadly

Sasara Nurude:

- My Play - AJR

Fucking. Just watch the official vid. That’s all. It’s about parent divorce and slaps.

“When I show you my play, will you pretend you didn’t know, if I make a mistake? It’s gonna get really really really really bad, before it’s okay. But maybe you’ll forget it all, while you’re watching my play”

- Rose Colored Boy - Paramore

OHH BOY I WROTE A WHOLE FIC ABOUT THIS ON WATTPAD

- Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

FUNNY FUNNY SONG CLOWN LIKE FUNNY FUNNY

Rei:

- Hushh - AViVA

Fucker got one.

“Hush Hush, keep your pretty mouth shut, hush hush, lose your inhibitions”

- This Ain’t A Scene It’s An Arms Race - Fallout boy

Like HeLL.

“Fitting you with Weapons in the form of words, and don’t really care which side wins, as long as the room keeps singing that’s just the business I’m in”

“I’m not a shoulder to cry on, I digress, I’m a leading man, and the lies I weave are so intricate, oh so intricate”

If you read this then congratulations why the fuck did you waste your time

#hypmic #hypnosis mic #badass temple #mcd #mad comic dialogue #buster bros #fling posse #matenro #matenrou #mad trigger crew #dotsuitare hompo #kotonohoto #naughty busters #party of words

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selfcareparker · 3 years

Note

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ✨✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad’s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

#lovely anon #<3 #ALSO I LOVE YOUR TAGS SM DKDJDKDL #i definitely (accidentally) didn‘t say something about every single thing you said #but this is so long already and i don‘t want to force you to read even more of my shite dldkdjsj #(i dont day shite i say shit but sometimes shite sound funnier)#*say #omg its too mate to speak english what i meant was i‘m sire i forgot to adress some of the things you said but i tried my best iwjwskb #omg adress (address? lmao) sounds so negative i mean i‘m sure i forgot to reply to some things- also *late not mate loool #omg ignore my whole german lesson i cant believe i actually wrote all of that wtf #but it took me like 20 minutes so i don‘t want to delete it 😭#and omg i hope you got to re do everything that your sims game didnt save and that it all worked out the same #😭#I NEARLY DELETED THIS ASK WITJ MY ANSWER OH MYFUCKING GOD MY FUCKING HEART #also i realised i didnt say anything at all about uni but i dont have any news like that Einführungsveranstaltung (😭) I went to was literall #just about schedules and credits and boring stuff mostly lmao #oh and tattoos!!!! it sucks that you might not be able to get the ones that you want/get any :((((( but hopefully you can at least get some #that arent in colour? 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼#so my parents aren‘t that supportive either like they most definitely wouldnt pay for it (even though they pay for a lot of my stuff lmao)#but i think in the end they know that i‘m old enough and they can‘t stop me and they‘d accept it one day so they‘re definitely not THAT bad #maybe your parents will change their mind over time? :(#or maybe youll just get one one day and ig theyll have to get used to it lol #so i want a butterfly (thats the only thing that i‘m sure about) and there are a lot of butterfly tattoos that look really tacky #but speaking of her i actually really like ariana‘s butterfly! but idk if i want that much shading- i have a whole album with like 35 photos #of just butterfly tattoos lol- i‘ll stop here tho. ldkdkd #omg im rereading this all and it‘s so messy good luck dkdkkddl #my tags got messed up and idk how to fix it #wait did i reach the tag limit and you cant even see half of these? 😭😭😭#i‘m so confused about these tags why are they not in the correct order? 😭😭😭 ily snd i‘m so sorry for dropping this post on you none of it #none of it makes sense.

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peeterparkr · 4 years

Text

limits of desire⤳t.h.||16

chapter 16: say i do

story summary: you met Tom a night he was trying to sleep with you, it didn’t work and you became best of friends. Wedding bells might be ringing for when you both realize what you really feel.

summary: the one with the white dress and the big question

pairing: fuckboy!tom holland x best friend!reader

warnings: swearing, miguel, lizzie, angsty, spanish, very angsty, didn’t proof read

word count: 5.6k

songs i recommend listening while reading:

Lay Me Down-Sam Smith

Before you Go- Lewis Capaldi

All I Ask-Adele

With our Without you-U2

I Have Nothing-Whitney Houston

Instead-Blake McGrath

One-Ed Sheeran

apple music playlist

you’re gonna hate me!!!! :)

previous chapter next chapter series masterlist wanna be tagged?

You are never ready to wear white, someone had once told y/n. Even if it’s the thing you’ve wanted the most, you will not feel ready to walk down an aisle to meet the love of your life. It will give you a certain wonder, a certain chill. You’ll feel like there’s a void in your stomach and you’ll feel weak in the knees.

She was sitting in front of her mirror, as she saw the white gown reflecting behind her, hanging on her door, ready to be worn the very next day. As white as the moonlight cascading through the window.

But she knew she would’ve been prepared had it been someone else. Had it been truly the love of her life. Maybe.

It’s such a complicated feeling.

It’s something that should make her feel happy, right?

It was still a decision to make. She had cried all night, and she knew that Tom was probably going to leave in a few hours, probably.

Dawn was hours away and she had avoided everyone. She didn’t want to be lectured by any of her friends, or her mother or Tom’s friends.

Miguel had told her that nobody knew what had happened, no one in his family at least, to keep a good image of her, even if when she was staring at that white gown, it was all covered in dirt. She was covered in dirt. Because she was the one to blame in this situation. Not everyone else, this was on her. Right?

But then she thought about it. How she wished she could turn back time to when she thought she was over Tom and to the time when she was having her first beer with Miguel.

But then she thought about how she could’ve still stopped it. Had she seen the signs.

There needn’t be a wedding, had only Tom been clear before. If he could’ve said it, even in London. If only he had told her everything he felt for her.

But she still could.

But it was just this. Hours before their realization he was sleeping with another girl. And jeopardizing a stable relationship for something that probably wouldn’t last. But hell, it was Tom Holland whom she was talking about.

She gave it a thought, how everything had to revolve around him, and she wondered if she wanted a life where she’d barely have any spotlight, not that it mattered, but she wondered if she could live by Tom’s shadow, and always fearing he’d get bored of her.

Because y/n was boring. Nothing spectacular. And she’d seen it already with her friendship, and she wondered what would be a relationship with him. Would there be one? Or was Tom just actually very scared of losing her?

Because as a friend, she’d been perfect to him. He was perfect to her. If only those feelings had never sparkled.

She stared at the sky, just a day before she had gone to his room, in search of his love, wanting to give up everything. Because he was worth it.

And there was still that splinter of hope, trying to map her emotions, she remembered how she had walked to his room, as the sun was painting the purple sky, shades of pink.

Not like now, that the sky was dark, with only a few stars shining. The moonlight dancing over her shoulders.

A red dress.

She couldn’t go back to him, but she couldn’t live without him. It was like deciding to never see a sunset anymore but choosing an option that involved a storm each day. Sure, she’d be clean, but she’d be cleaned with a storm.

She saw the difference, remembering the first time she’d seen him and how they had laughed all night with milkshakes, and she remembered the time she saw his smile. Whenever he smiled, two quotation marks would find its place on his face, that, that smile he had was y/n’s favourite quote. And she was giving up on it. All those nights. How they would always find a way to laugh and smile at each other. All those nights when they’d cried together. And even after all the fights, how he’d open the door.

And how when she was unsteady after her dad and brother’s accident, he had opened his door, his arms and his heart. No questions asked.

He’d always been there, so to choose a life where she would never see him anymore was too much.

But she couldn’t choose him. Could she?

But without him, she had nothing. And there was a certain fear because she knew he took her for what he was. But, Miguel. She didn’t have to change her colours with him. She didn’t ask for much and Miguel was willing to give her everything.

She heard a knock on her door, and she sighed. Whoever was behind that door, she probably didn’t want to see them. But there was something in her gut, maybe it was Tom. Maybe it would be Tom with an apology, or Tom with only a broken heart.

But she couldn’t be thinking of that. The very next day she’d get married.

Y/N heard yet another knock, and she glared at the door as she was only illuminated by the bright moon. The night was changing.

“Y/N?” And it certainly was a voice she hadn’t expected. Her grandmother.

She decided to open the door. She threw herself into her grandma’s arms, who hugged her with sympathy.

And y/n started to shed tears again, as her grandma closed the door.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispered. “You’ll be okay, you’ll be okay.”

“This is all too...confusing,” y/n admitted.

Her grandma gave her a reassuring smile, as she took her hand and lead her to the bed. She was holding a long book.

“It’s been some… tough 24 hours,” her nana said.

“I’m so stupid,” y/n whispered.

“Now, now, no one is ever stupid for following one’s heart,” Nana said.

Y/N stared at the white dress, unsure where her heart wanted to go.

“I thought we might look at some pictures. I had made this before… well, everything,” Nana chuckled dryly opening the album.

Y/N felt her heart warming up, as if all the pain she was going through was gone.

“It was a gift so you could have a little home even when you were away,” Nana explained, as they looked through the pictures. “There’s you and… there’s Lizzie,” she pointed out. She saw the pictures with a smile“There’re you and Ben!”

Ben. She hadn’t thought about Ben, her brother, and her father. And it hurt, seeing all the pictures. She missed them, too much. And she knew that her brother would know the right answer to all this mess. Her dad, too.

“I miss them,” y/n said as she kept looking through the album, pictures of her and her brother, or her dad. Of them as a whole family.

“Me too,” Her grandma said. “I really do.”

“I bet Ben would know the answer to all of this,” y/n sighed.

Nana chuckled. “We both know he’d be here making you laugh, not letting you shed another tear.” Nana stared at her granddaughter. “Your dad always told you something, y/n.”

“To follow my heart,” y/n nodded. “To follow my dreams.”

Nana nodded. “Seems like you’ve forgotten that.”

Y/N shook her head. “Thing is… My heart doesn’t want to go anywhere right now.”

Nana nodded. “That’s an option, too.”

“My heart wants to go back to when I didn’t have this mess, my heart wants my dad and my brother,” y/n blurted out.

Nana smiled. “I miss them, too.”

Y/N snuggled close to her nana. She guessed she’d lost too much too, she lost a son and a grandson. And she was crying again, and they were holding each other.

“What do you think he’d say?” Y/N asked.

Nana shrugged. “I don’t know, your father was oblivious sometimes, he was convinced you’d end up marrying Tom.”

Y/N sighed. “Ben probably would root for Miguel.”

Nana sighed. “No, he’d root for you.”

Y/N took a deep breath. “I wouldn’t root for me in this situation, I’m the one to screw everything up.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know. I think of Tom, and I truly can’t live without him, but I… I don’t want to choose him. And then I think of Miguel, and I feel like I shouldn’t be doing this to him, he loves me too much and I love him…”

“Do you?”

“I love him enough to never want to hurt him,” y/n admitted. “I just don’t understand how after everything he still wants to marry me… You know? How blind love is. How can you love someone who’s hurt you that much?” She asked and then she realized it. She finally saw it, Miguel was mirroring her. And she put herself in his place, and she knew what she’d want. She’d want herself to say yes, to give one last chance to Miguel. She stared at the white dress, wondering if whatever she was thinking was the right choice. The dress that was stained with lies.

But she couldn’t let him go just like that. She stared at the pictures and kept passing through them, eventually, she reached the pictures of her graduation, a big smile while she was hugging Tom. She saw his smile, her favourite quote.

She took a deep breath.

“Do what your heart tells you,” Nana told her. Y/N watched the dress. She kissed the top of y/n’s head and then left the room.

Y/N hugged her knees. There were a lot of things that needed to be done. There was another knock on the door. Y/N felt her heart shatter.

She knew she was right this time. She knew who was probably standing on the other side of the door.

She walked with little hope to the door. And there was Tom. Y/N didn’t say anything. They just stared at each other.

“Choose him,” Tom said.

Y/N didn’t respond.

“Go ahead, choose him,” Tom pushed. “And don’t ever look back,” he said. “I… I thought about it, and it’s the best, isn’t it? Someone who loves you unconditionally.”

Y/N took a deep breath and moved aside as if telling him to come in. He hesitated but walked in.

Y/N stared at him.

“Was there something I could’ve said?” He asked her.

Y/N sat down on the bed and shrugged. “I don’t know anymore. This was on me.”

“No,” Tom shook his head. “It’s on both of us.”

“Are you going to try one last time?” Y/N asked.

“Does it matter?” Tom questioned her.

Y/N shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Because we both know who I am,” Tom said. “But dare I say, he’ll never be able to love you like I do. But if he loves you just half as I love you, then I know you’ll be alright.”

Y/N watched him. “So this means you gave up?”

He bit his lip. “Maybe. But I don’t see it that way.”

Tom took a deep breath as he sat beside her, he stared at the open album, and he stared at the picture that it was opened on. Their smiles, before everything was ruined.

Y/N watched him. She desired him, so so so much. And she looked at the picture, knowing that back then she had desired him too, but back then she had limits. She finally understood, why one never shall cross the limits of desire.

And it was so pathetic, because she had been happy, and loved, and it only took seconds with Tom to tumble all that down.

“I can’t give you what he gives you,” Tom admitted, watching her. “I don’t…Go with him, it’s for the best. I should’ve stayed quiet.”

Y/N didn’t say anything.

“I’m leaving,” he explained. “I… I can’t play pretend anymore. I know it’ll hurt you more if I stay.”

Y/N kept watching him. “I’m sorry, Tom.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He asked. “I’m the one who…”

“But I was used to that, you know? I…” She sighed. “I’m not trying to blame this on you, I’m just saying I’ve been there before.”

“I’m sorry.”

Y/N stared at him, she wanted him to try one more time. She’d say yes. But only if he wanted to.

Y/N watched him as he pushed a hair back from her face. “I wish I could say I hate you,” she said.

“You don’t?” Tom asked.

“That’d make things easier, wouldn’t it?” She smiled. “But maybe I will, in the future.”

He sighed. “You seem calm.”

“I’m not, I’m just…” She took a deep breath. “It hurts. Maybe I want to choose you.”

Tom shook his head. “No, you don’t,” he bit his lip. “You want something perfect,” he explained. “I remembered a few days ago when you were planning this, you saw yourself, with a big smile walking down a long aisle, with that beautiful dress, you wanted the flowers all around. You wanted it to be a fairytale. You wanted to be happy. And I ruined it.”

“You didn’t…”

Tom stared at her. “You wanted someone whom you could marry and not be worried about the guest list and whom he’s slept with, you wanted a wedding where you wouldn’t be worried if someone on instagram would hate on you, you wanted someone whom even if he was out all night, you’d be sleeping calmly without worrying he’d end up in someone’s arms.”

Y/N looked away. He was right, but he was wrong. Because even when he was wrong in all those things, he was still the right option.

“I wanted someone I loved,” she said.

“You made a very bad decision, y/n, you really chose wrong in that one,” he pointed out. “You did a worse job,” y/n explained.

“You think?” Tom watched her. “My only mistake was time, I ran out of it.”

Y/N saw it, then. He really had given up.

“Tom,” she sighed.

“I chose the wrong red dress,” he sighed. “Even when I knew it was the wrong choice. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I blew it up,” he sighed. “What if I never love again, y/n?” He said, dramatically.

She rolled her eyes and nudged him.

“I just,” he sighed. “Can I ask for one more night?”

“What?” Y/N asked with hope.

“This is my last night with you,” he explained. “I just… Can we just hold each other? Make a good memory out of this, you know.”

“Tom… I don’t.”

“Let’s forget about everything, okay? Everything’s that’s happened in the last 7 months, let’s just lay down and forget where we went wrong and forget about him.”

Y/N watched him. “So pretend we don’t feel anything and don’t say what we really mean?”

Tom let out a soft chuckle. “I guess, pretend like we still have a chance.”

Y/N moved slightly, to face him. He was sincere.

“I won’t have any feelings tonight, not good ones, not bad ones, let’s just not… Let’s forget everything, let’s not be scared you know?”

Y/N watched him.

“Don’t get me wrong, I just… I know there’s nothing I can say that will change this, alright? But tonight, let’s… Let’s just,” he leaned over to rest his head on her forehead. Her heart was beating fast. “I know that when the morning comes I’ll lose you forever but right now let me hold you close.”

She stared at his lips, and then at his eyes, begging her to go back to him. But he was only asking her for one night, because that’s how Tom truly worked. One night only and then he’d be leaving the very next day.

“This is a recipe for disaster, and this is already a disaster…”

“You didn’t have your bachelorette party,” Tom pointed out.

She hadn’t, it was supposed to be the night before but she had excused herself from it, however, she had insisted on Lizzie going with everyone else so it wouldn’t raise any suspects.

“Tom but…”

“Don’t you want this, y/n?” He asked.

“I wanted that to be forever, not just for one night,” she whispered, as Tom scooted closer, as his lips were caressing her cheek. “Tom…”

“Y/N, we both know we can’t have tomorrow,” he insisted. “But we can have tonight.”

And she finally connected her lips with his, because at least she’d have the memory of his lips forever, because there were no limits for that night, because she feared it. She’d never be able to love someone as much as she loved him, and she knew that a chance for someone to love her like Miguel would never come back, so she had that night.

And his hands went to travel down her back, and they were holding each other as if they’d never see themselves again. And y/n knew it, she’d have to keep it a secret, there couldn’t be other people who loved each other as much as they loved each other. And she understood, she wanted to have a good memory of him, not the pain she’d felt all those hours.

And their kiss was so special, because in a way, even if y/n knew all the people he’d kissed, she thought that his lips were meant for her and only her. And how she wished that she could actually hate him. But how could she, really?

And he laid down, pulling her with him. And she wondered if she had to say something, but there was nothing to be said anymore, because this was their goodbye kiss. But while kissing him, she could only think of how she was going to hate everything.

How can one ever love again after this? She was going to hate weekends because Sunday would come and she wouldn’t go for brunch with him. She’d hate shopping because he wouldn’t be there when she walked out of the dressing room. She’d hate movies because she’ll fear seeing him on any film. She’d hate instagram because they would constantly ask her about him.

But she had that night, and they were giving all the love they could to each other. Their skin was burning and his fingers were merging into her. But they didn’t go any further, because theyd pause to look into each other eyes. Trying to memorize their features.

Y/N wanted to count each freckle on his cheeks, and she realized she was already missing him, and she didn’t want to keep going because she feared time would go faster. She watched him, laying down as he held her close.

She felt tears wanting to come out, but she didn’t want to cry, not now. She just wanted him to hold her close.

“Want to know something funny?” She asked him.

He looked down.

“Want to know the perfume I was...am planning on using?”

Tom frowned.

“Chanel n°5,” she whispered.

He smiled, slightly. “My eyes still don’t like that perfume,” he chuckled.

He ran his hands through her hair. “Remember that day?”

“I do, perfectly.”

“You said you knew me perfectly,” he recalled. “You did, you still do.”

Y/N nodded. “Yeah.”

“Maybe I should try it again, what I did that night.”

“Try to sleep with someone else and end up with me?” Y/N chuckled.

“No,” he nudged her. “Though that sounds like a dream right now.”

He turned to face her, and she tried to avoid his gaze but he kept turning her to him.

“Destroy me, y/n,” he said.

Her eyes widened with surprise.

“Why can’t I physically appeal to you?”

She closed her eyes, laughing slightly. “Your nose is bent,” she started as pointed to his nose, running it down, tracing it. “it drops down at the bottom, a feature accentuated by the thinness of your lips,” She continued as her thumb rubbed circles on his lips, he kissed her finger. She snuggled closer to him. “You have tiny eyes,” she continued. “And they are way too far apart, your eyebrows look weird, and your hair… is too messy,” she said. “And when you smile,” she said.

Tom frowned. “I don’t remember…”

“Sh, when you smile, there are dimples here, and here,” she ran her fingers through both his cheeks. “Forming little quotations marks.”

He smiled, lightly. “Quotation marks?”

“Yeah,” she grinned. “See? And that… smile, right there, that’s my favourite quote anyone has written.”

He blushed and he kissed her again.

After all, they only had that one night. Even if she knew she wanted to share her life with him. But she had to close that door now, she didn’t want to hurt anymore.

Tom had left her with a teary goodbye, he hadn’t woken her up because he knew it’d be harder for him to leave. Because he’d made a choice. He’d let her be happy. He didn’t want to be at the wedding. He wanted her to be the happiest she’d ever been and he knew she’d be.

He had told Haz, Tuwaine and his brothers that they should attend. Because, he explained, this didn’t mean picking sides. It meant telling y/n that they were picking her side, not Tom’s not Miguel’s. This was about y/n and supporting her happiness.

He was sad, but he knew he would be. And as he was packing everything, he felt like his heart was breaking. Because he had left a note to y/n. One wishing her happiness and one wishing that someday maybe they’d meet and they’d remember each other like old friends. A note which told her that he was glad that she was marrying Miguel because after everything he was there he’d proven her loyalty and he proved to be forgiving.

The last words she’d said to him were: “It was a pleasure coinciding in this life.”

And maybe he had expected her to come running to his room as he was packing, begging him to stay. But she hadn’t.

He had seen from afar people walking into her room, the hairdresser, Lizzie, Anna, Miguel’s mother. And he knew it. The wedding was still on.

He had seen Miguel walk around with his black suit, and Tom realized he hadn’t even brought any suit because he had expected that by now, y/n would be with him.

Miguel had given a second glance at Tom with fear, but then he was calmed right away when he saw Tom was holding his suitcase.

Tom had gone to the place where he and y/n we’re going to have brunch just a day before. He knew probably everyone had already left for the place where the wedding would be held. A paradise.

And he was...calm. He guessed. Yes, it hurt. But it wasn’t like he hadn’t pushed himself to this. But he was alone.

And he thought how funny this situation could be to anyone else, how he had mistakenly tried to get on the wrong bed with the right person and how the right person would end up marrying the wrong one.

He was never a smoker but he was considering having a cigarette. Because he didn’t know what to do. Haz had insisted on not attending the wedding.

Maybe he needed someone. Because right now, he needed a friend.

Because he was broken. He knew Miguel was not good enough for y/n, but he also knew that he was worse. Tom knew that he was probably the worst option out of everything. Because in a way, he believed what everybody said, he believed that he hadn’t changed.

But he knew he had. And there was a part of him that still wanted to crash the wedding, because he wanted her to choose him instead. But y/n hadn’t done anything about it.

But did she?

She had asked him if he had given up trying.

He took a sip of his coffee as someone walked behind him. And there was the foolish part of Tom which still believed that it was y/n.

And he felt some fingers patting his shoulder. He took a deep breath and turned around.

And it wasn’t her.

Tom was very surprised. He saw a girl on a turquoise dress, with perfect makeup, but with her heels on her hands.

Lizzie.

“I really don’t want to talk about it now,” Tom said. “Not with you.”

Lizzie shook her head. “You told her to choose him?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“She was going to do that anyway,” Tom explained. “Saving her the pain.”

Lizzie shook her head. “You’ve got it all wrong, Tom. Your nature is still popping out.”

Tom frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You asked her for a night, a night only and given the situation here, you should’ve asked for her forever,” Lizzie said.

“It’s for the best.”

Lizzie shrugged. “Is it?”

“It’s too late, now.”

Lizzie shrugged. “I just popped here because Haz told me you’d be here, you still have got an hour, Tom,” Lizzie said. “I can give you a ride, you can talk to her…”

Tom sighed. “Why do you care that much?”

“Because she loves you, Tom! I don’t want my best friend ruining her life with a guy who…. Whom I don’t trust, a guy who won’t make her happy. I just… Look at her, whenever she was with you, she was bright, you know? She stopped closing doors, she opened herself to you…. I don’t even think Miguel knows she had a brother.”

Tom bit his lip. “I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”

“I don’t want her to lose you,” Lizzie said. “As much as I can’t stand you, I know that he’s not good for her, and I know that even with all your flaws, you can make her happy.”

Tom looked away.

“Fine,” she sighed. “I just don’t want you to look back, and I don’t want any regrets, because this was on you, Tom. You still had the chance, you chose not to.”

Tom watched Lizzie approach the car, and there was something that was telling him that he could still stop it.

There was a pain in his chest and he swallowed. Maybe Lizzie was right. Hell, he knew she was right. Miguel would never be able to make her as happy. He could choose to stay right now, not do anything. Because it sounded stupid. He was an asshole, an arrogant son of a bitch, but she was kind of a pain in the ass too. And they both knew it.

He knew that if he chose to stop it, their immaturity would win each and every fight. But they still had love. Maybe it was love what made them both fall into the mess.

But he knew how his life would go, her memory haunting at night, that not even cold water would soothe his desire, staring at the phone without any notification coming from her. He’d become pathetic. Because he knew that even if it was a big mistake, he knew it was the best mistake.

It took him more than he wanted but he finally decided to go, and there was a sudden rush as he paid the restaurant and ran out to find a taxi, a car, any type of transportation of sorts. He considered running but he didn’t know where to go.

Until he saw a guy and his son on a bike.

“Hey! Hey! Stop!” He asked him. The guy stopped.

“Qué?” The guy asked him and started rambling in Spanish.

“I need… Yo… I need your uh… Bike… Bicycle,” Tom explained slowly, although he knew that speaking slowly was a very dumb way to try someone who doesn’t speak your language to understand you. He pointed at the bike and then at himself.

“No, qué, este güerito, es mi bicicleta!” The guy fought back.

“Papá…. Es el hombre araña!” Said the kid and Tom was completely sure he understood what those two words meant. Spider-Man.

Tom had an idea. Tom took out his phone and showed him pictures with the suit.

“I’m yes, yes… I’m spider-man!” He grinned. “I’ll…” He took out money. “Please?”

“Tómate una foto con mi hijo, y está bien…” The guy sighed as he took out his phone. Tom was rushing he knew it had taken him long enough to make the decision and if he took any more time, he’d go straight to the reception, too late to stop it. But he leaned over to take the picture with the kid, gave the guy money and started pedalling. He knew it wasn’t far from there, but he still had to use his map on his phone.

“Paraíso… Paraíso Bacalar,” he would tell himself. What he would do to have his motorcycle with him. He wasn’t that far. He got all sweaty, but he arrived at the place. A sort type of beach. He saw the lagoon just as y/n had described it. And he saw it, from afar. The place where the wedding was being held was on the other small island, it wasn’t far. He saw everything was ready, colourful dresses that matched the turquoise water. Everything was bright blue and straight out of a movie. There was a bridge that led straight into the water, where the altar was held, where Miguel was waiting for y/n, he couldn’t see him, Miguel wasn’t facing him. But he saw Lizzie seeing him, and she rushed to Haz and Tuwaine.

He waved his hands at them and he saw movement. Lizzie rushed to the back of all the chairs, where a white folding screen was built. He guessed y/n was there.

“I need to get to the other side!” Tom told the guy who worked there.

“They took the last boat!” The guy said. “You could run all around the place and get there in about 30 minutes…”

Tom shook his head. “No, no, no… It’s about to start!” Tom felt like his heart was crushing, he heard the music start.

“You could… swim.”

Tom stared at the man but then proceeded to run into the lagoon, taking off his shirt. And the music was playing. He started rushing and swimming and he knew that this was the most stupid thing he’d ever done. Craziest thing.

He saw Harry watching him as Sam was freaking out. Tom stopped as he saw y/n step out of the folding screen, but he kept rushing.

“Wait!” He finally yelled from the water. And everyone turned around to see Tom who was about to get to the bridge. People started to record him, take picutrs and yell. The music finally stopped as everyone was watching the stunt the british man was pulling.

He saw y/n drop the bouquet of flowers, but Tom finally arrived and climbed up the bridge.

“No mames!” Miguel yelled.

Y/N rushed to him. “Tom!”

Tom caught his breath as the water was sliding down his body, he was on his knees as y/n watched him.

“Are you insane?” She asked him. People were taking pictures, Miguel rushed with anger but y/n stepped in front of him. “Don’t!”

Miguel stopped, enraged as they turned to see Tom.

“What are you doing here?” She asked Tom. “You promised you’d leave.”

“I have to tell you something,” He said.

Y/N rubbed her face. Everyone was silently staring at them.

“What?”

“Your hair looks awful,” he started. “The flowers, you’re right, they’re not the right ones, the ones they gave you suck,” he continued. “The dress?” He shook his head. “It’s a shame you didn’t choose the one you actually wanted...And really? Pearls? You know wearing pearls will ruin your marriage?”

Y/N frowned. “Is that all? You just ruined my wedding to…”

“You know, I pride myself on being honest with everybody,” Tom said, standing up and taking her hand. “But there's somebody I've been lying to for a very long time: Myself.”

Y/N watched him.

“Because the truth is… Is scary. And 5 years ago, I got in bed with the wrong girl. She turned out to be the right one. They say love is easy when the right person comes,” he continued as he looked her in the eyes. “You said you were waiting for that prince charming, I’ve always thought that I was wrong but suddenly, you became the right answer and I didn’t have to hide anymore, because you had always been there, we don’t have to shield under that label of best friends. I love you y/n, and I want you not for one night, I want you forever, do you want it, too?”

Miguel was about to step in, but y/n pushed both of them away. As a tear started to shed, she looked Tom in the eye.

“You’re the worst maid of honour of all time,” she said. “I want you to leave, Tom.”

Tom stepped back in confusion. “Wha-what?”

“Leave!” She raised her voice, as she then had to step back, holding back her tears. Her mother rushed to hug her daughter.

“What is going on?” Miguel’s mother yelled. And a bustle started again, people yelling at people. But Tom was left there still confused.

Haz ran over to Tom, and he dragged him away to a boat. Tuwaine, and the twins followed after.

Tom was in shock.

She should’ve said ‘I do’. Not this, never this.

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cherrytdatt · 4 years

Text

Sadness Ritual pt. 2

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Word count: ~6k (i really thought it would be shorter)

Summary: Tom wished he was the normal guy you wanted.

Warnings: one panic attack (nothing too graphic), angst, my bad language, and my bad writing.

A/N: Sadness Ritual pt 2 is here! I didn't wanna make a pt 2 but then i received this ask talking about a Tom pov and i thought it was the best idea ever, so i decided to try it. Now that i did it i kind of want a happier end for Tom and Y/N, so PLEASE let me know if you guys want a part 3 to end all this mess. OH! AND THIS IS ANGST AF!!!!!!

Request: SADNESS RITUAL WAS SO GOOD. But what if it was the other way around? What if Tom thinks the reader, a normal girl, would never choose him bc of his fame and how she always says she probably wouldn’t be able to handle it? Thanks in advance!❣️

***Playlist: “This is Lewis Capaldi” on Spotify.

Part 1

Tom looked at himself in the mirror, fixing his hair for the tenth time. "Fuck," he muttered, annoyed. "Fuck this shit!" he said, running his hand through his hair and messing it out even more. Tom was at his limit. He was forcing himself to go on a date just to try to feel something. Actually, he was on his third date with the same girl. He talked to her, he kissed her, they had sex, and nothing. Tom felt nothing. Well, he felt...regret, sadness, anxiety...not what he was looking for.

"Third date?" Harrison asked, leaning on the door, and looking at his friend's annoyed expression.

"Something like that," Tom said.

"This is getting serious?" he asked when Tom started trying to fix his hair again.

"It seems like," Tom said with a weak voice.

"Did you introduced her to any other friend?" Harrison was trying to make his friend talk. Something he didn't do for some time.

Tom glanced at Harrison, knowing what he was really trying to ask. "Not yet. She'll meet Tuwaine and Sam tonight," he said, looking at his reflection again.

"What about Y/N?" Harrison finally asked.

"What about her?" Tom was feeling more and more stressed.

"How long you think you can hide this from her?"

"I'M NOT..." he said, exasperated. "I'm not hiding anything," he defended himself. Harrison knew that Tom loved you, cause he told him months ago. Harrison also knew that you loved Tom, cause his girlfriend and your best friend, Anna, told him months ago. They tried not to force you two to face this mess, but Harrison was tired of seeing his friend struggling to get over a girl who loved him. However, every time he talked to Tom, the boy always said he was okay, and that there was nothing he could do, even if you liked him the same way, to make it work.

"Then what is it?" Harrison asked.

Tom took a deep breath, finally giving up on his hair. He was gonna wear a hat. "You wanna know something I want?" Tom asked rhetorically, leaning against the sink, and Harrison looked at him, hoping his friend would finally talk to him. "I want you to forget that I ever told you I like Y/N. I want you to go hang out with Anna and let me get over Y/N the best way I can," he walked to Harrison. “Please, do this for me," he patted his friend's shoulder and left the bathroom, going back to his bedroom. Harrison shook his head, sad for his friend.

The date was a nightmare. Tom didn't enjoy it at first, then he started drinking so he could start enjoying it. He got drunk, therefore he started talking and being clingy. In the end, his head was pounding, his heart was aching, and his guilt was more alive than ever. When he finally got home, all he wanted was to sleep and forget about the entire night. He laid in his bed, wishing for a short term amnesia. Why did he keep doing this? How long would he keep trying to like this girl and ignore what he felt for you? He looked at his cellphone that was by his side on the bed. He couldn't tell you. He tried. Almost a year ago.

"Look! I just found another pic!" you said animatedly, and already a little drunk, turning the phone so he can look at it. You laughed at his grumpy face in the picture.

"And that's why I hate LA," he said. "Only there these people follow me and take these pictures," he pointed at your phone.

You two had planned a movie night with Harrison and Anna, at least that was what you thought. What happened was that Tom asked Harrison to make something up and leave you and him alone, so he could finally talk to you about how he was feeling.

Tom starred at you while you scrolled trough stupid sites, looking for 'grumpy photos of Tom.' You always said you like to turn them into memes. "I don't know how you do this. I would die if someone took a picture of me and posted it online without my permission," you said. Tom always knew that you hated unexpected pictures. Actually, you hated pictures in general. Your Instagram feed had thirty pictures, all landscapes from places you traveled to. That was one of the reasons he rarely went out with you, and when you go out, he made sure that more people were around so people won't focus on taking pictures of you.

"You get used to it," he shrugged.

"I doubt that," you said absentmindedly, still scrolling. "Oh! Look at this one," you turned the screen so Tom could see. It was a picture of him, eating, and a girl he was out with, annoyed with something. "Best of luck for your next girlfriend, because this..." you pointed at the screen. "It's a lot to deal with," you laughed, not noticing the sad expression that appeared in his face. Tom just realized he couldn't tell you how he felt. Option one, you would turn him down, his heart would break and he would have to watch you live your life without him. Option two, you would like him back, but as soon as the world found out about your relationship, you would hate him for exposing you.

"You don't think I’m worth the effort?" he asked, his tone more serious than he wanted to. He was incapable to control his own voice.

"Sweetie, don't get me wrong. You're the best person I know, any girl would be lucky to date you. But this girl should be enjoying your company, and she's clearly not," you said. "And I'm sure that she's like that cause you were in a bad mood because of the paparazzi," you gave him a questioning look, making him smile.

"Let's just watch the movie," he changed the subject before you could notice his mood switch.

His heavy eyes opened slowly. The noises coming from the kitchen helped him to wake up completely. He searched for his phone. 10:32. He sat on the bed, holding his head. "Fuck!" he groaned. "Fucking stupid!" He got up, going to his bathroom. He needed a shower.

The shower and the smell of coffee was a relief. Tom put on a black jeans and headed to the kitchen. "'Morning," Anna said, seeing him enter the kitchen.

"Hey," Tom said, going to the coffeemaker and serving himself some coffee.

"Tough night?" Anna asked, spreading strawberry jelly in her toast.

"Drank too much," he said.

They both sat in silence, eating, and drinking the coffee. After breakfast, Tom went back to his room. He was in no mood to talk. He searched in his cabinet for some aspirin and something for his nausea. He laid in bed, turning his TV in some random golf game. But he wasn't really paying attention.

He unlocked his phone, going through his chats. His family chat was blowing up, just like his group chat with the boys. He clicked on your tab, looking at the meme you sent him the day before. He didn't answer cause he was on his way to the girl's house. He couldn't talk to you today. The memories were too fresh in his mind. He just stayed there, laid in bed, waiting for the pills to work. Things could be easier. They should be.

"So?" you asked, looking at him. You two were laid on your back on the floor of his living room.

"I'm thinking," he said, laughing.

"Jesus! It's just a color. Just pick one and I'll tell you if it'll look good or not," you rolled your eyes.

"Blue?" he said more like a question.

"What kind of blue?" you asked.

"I don't know," he shrugged, laughing. "How many there are?"

"At least tell me if it's light or dark," you tried.

"In the middle," he looked at you. You were starring at the skylight. The sun sparkling in your eyes, making them shine even more.

You laughed, shrinking your shoulders, he loved it when you do that. "So, they will give you a car, and you will pick a blue one? Not dark blue or light blue. A middle blue?" you asked turning to look at him.

"Exactly!" he said.

"You know what? Ask for a middle blue one. If you hate it, at least you didn't pay for it," you smiled.

"Good point," he said, and you heard the door opening. You sat, leaning on your arms.

"What are you two doing?" Harrison asked, stopping at the door with Anna by his side.

"Tom is getting a car, and we're trying to decide what color we want," you explained nonchalantly. Tom propped himself in his elbows, looking at the newly formed couple.

"How was your date?" you asked. You knew they would tell the truth no matter what. Your group of friends, that involved another four or five people, was this type of friend, that always tells the truth. If it was bad, they would say that they decided to stay friends, and everything would be okay. If it was good, good!

Anna bit her lower lip, holding a smile. "I think it was good," Harrison said, holding her by the waist, and looking down at her.

"Yeah...it was good," she looked at him.

"They are gonna get married, aren't they?" you whispered to Tom who laughed, shaking his head.

"Friends can do this?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Apparently, they can," you pointed at the couple that was in their own world. "I'm gonna be a shitty made of honor," you whined.

"I'm gonna be a great best man," Tom shrugged.

"We are going..." Harrisons said pointing to his room.

"Yeah, yeah. Go!" you cut him off, and they just left you two in the living room. "So, blue?" you asked, laying on the floor again.

"Blue!" Tom said.

He got the blue car, and you loved it for a while. But then it was so bright and so...blue. Tom started hating too. So much that, after a while, he just gave it to his mom and his brothers.

Tom looked at his phone again. 7:24. The day was getting darker and darker. A knock on his door woke him from his thoughts. He spent the whole day in bed between naps and self-hatred. "Hey, mate. How are you feeling?" Harrison asked getting into his room and closing the door behind him.

"Not great," Tom replied, propping himself up.

"Yeah...It'll get worst," Harrison warned, sitting in his bed. His face was a mix of worry and sadness.

"What happened?" Tom asked in a worried tone.

"Your date, yesterday, it's all over the internet," Harrison said, handing him his phone. A clear picture of him, holding the girl's hand. He didn't even remember doing this, but he was smiling, and the girl was too. He was fucked! He didn't tell almost anyone he was dating. His mom didn't know. You didn't know. Y/N! You crossed his mind. You would hate him for hiding something like this, and you didn't even know why he was hiding it.

"Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck!" He said, getting up still looking at the pictures.

"It's okay, mate. I know it's not what you wanted, but it's okay. You're allowed to date," Harrison tried to calm him down.

Tom was freaking out, his breath was getting shorter, and his chest was hurting, his head was spinning. He fucked up big time.

"Tom?" Harrison called. He ran his hand through his hair. Why was this happening? And at that moment, he wished he wasn't famous. He wished he never did the Spider-Man movies. He wished he was a normal guy. That way these pictures would never exist and he would be the normal you want in your life. He needed to get out of his house. He handed Harrison his phone and left the room, putting on the first shirt and shoe he found.

"Where are you going?" Harrison followed him around the house.

"I'm going out," he said, getting his car keys.

"Tom..." Harrison called, but he was already out.

There was one place Tom could handle now. There was one person who would help him now. He drove the short way to their house. The familiar path. He stopped the car, getting out. He was still shaking, and for a split second, he thought that he shouldn't drive like that. He walked the little trail to the front door. Tom took a deep breath, the deepest he could at this moment, knocking on the door three times. His wait seemed longer than it really was. A noise inside warned him someone was home.

"Hey, mom," he said when the door finally opened.

"Hey, sweetie," his mom said, opening her arms to him. He hugged her like it was the last thing he was gonna do in his life. His eyes were burning, and he already could feel the tears emerging. "I'm sorry, baby," she said, caressing his head. His mom knew how much he hated being that exposed, she knew how much he was struggling the last months, and she had a feeling that the girl he liked wasn't the one in the pictures.

Tom played with the mug in front of him, trying to forget everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours. "Do you wanna talk about it?" his mom asked, looking at him.

Tom looked at her, and then again to his mug. "I...I just..." he was struggling. "How...did I let that happen?"

"It was not your fault, Tom. The pictures were not your fault. You are always careful, but these people are crazy. They stalk you, and never care about your privacy," his mom said.

"Yeah, but if I didn't have this job..." he started, but she cut him off.

"Don't say that! You love your job. A lot of great things come from your job. All the people you help, you just help because of your job. So don't regret having it. You just have to learn how to deal with this part of your job," she said.

"I know. But sometimes I just wished I was a normal guy, you know?" he cried.

"You are a normal guy. You clean the dishes, you argue with your brothers, you go out with your friends. These are all 'normal guy' stuff," she smiled.

"Yeah, but..."

"Look,” she looked at him expectantly, “Do you wanna tell me what's really bothering you?" she said and he looked at her.

"It's... it's Y/N," he finally said. His mom listened to the whole story. How he fell in love with you, but you kept saying that date him must be a nightmare because of the pictures and the stalk, even though he was the best person you ever met. He told her how he tried to tell you a few times about how he felt, but always gave up when you included the word 'normal' in your guy description after saying his life as crazy as hell. How after a few months he just gave up and tried to move on, dating other girls, and that was when this girl showed up. He told her he didn't have the courage to talk to you about the girl, because he rather tell you about how he loved you, instead.

"You may disagree with me, but I think she likes you too," his mom said afterward, earning a shocking and confused look from Tom. "First, I see you two together since you were twelve, and it's annoying how sometimes you ignore everyone else in the room but each other. Second, she says that but never refuses to go out with the boys and you, and this means that she hates the exposure, but she hates, even more, being apart from you. And I will end with the third one, even though I could go on forever. She would never say you are the best person in the world if she didn't think you are worth the effort," his mom said.

"I asked her if I wasn't worth," he said still not convinced.

"And what did she said?"

He tried to remember the night, which wasn't that difficult since he replayed your talk for days after it happened. "She was looking at some paparazzi pictures of me and a girl, saying how bad that girl’s life must be with all the exposure and I asked her if I wasn't worth it," he told her.

"And what did she said?"

"She said I was the best person in the world but the girl in the picture should be enjoying being with me, and she wasn't," he finished.

"Yes? And when is that the same thing that say you don’t worth the effort?" she asked with a smile in her face.

"It isn't?" he asked, a little hope appearing in his eyes.

"Of course not! She meant that the girl didn't like you enough to be happy there," she said. "If you want my opinion, I think she implied that you being 'the best person in the world', the girl was being an idiot for not enjoying your company," she finished.

"Do you really think this?" he asked.

"Why would I lie? By the way, I think you were scared of talking to her, and that's why you got everything wrong," she shrugged.

Maybe his mom was right. He was afraid to mess up your friendship and took him weeks to decide to talk to you. And when he finally decided, the first thing you said made him give up.

Tom went back to his house feeling a little better. Talk to his mom always helped. He still was regretting the night before, and still was afraid of talking to you, but now he didn't hate his job, and he had this hope that maybe you could love him back enough to handle all the bullshit in his life.

"Did you talked to Y/N?" Anna asked as soon as he got home.

"No," he started. But before he could say he was planning to, Anna cut him off.

"She doesn't answer my texts or call," she said, looking at him from the couch. "I think she's upset."

"Did you called her place?" he asked scrolling through his phone.

"No. I think you should go talk to her," Anna told him. She had an idea of why you weren't answering her, and only Tom could solve this.

"Y-yeah, sure. I'll..." he said, picking up his keys again and leaving.

'I talked to her. She's alive. But talk to her! You know what I mean!!!' Anna's text appeared on the screen of his phone, and he felt the air being pulled out of him.

He got into your building, breathing slowly, trying to calm himself. The time in the elevator looked like an eternity. When the door opened and your door came to his view, he thought he was going crazy for doing this. But now he was here, so he was gonna do it anyway. He walked to your door, and he could hear that annoying band you always listen to when you're sad. His heart broke, thinking about you being sad. He leaned his hands against your doorway, trying to calm himself the best he could. He knocked on your door three times. Not a change in the sound that was coming from inside. He looked at the floor seeing a shadow moving behind the door and that hurt him a little. You was hiding from him.

"I know you're in there. Let me in," he tried to sound as normal as he could. "I can see your shadow moving behind the door. Open up," he finished when you didn't answer.

"I'm not feeling so good. I talk to you later. Or text you." you said, but he wasn't giving up that easy. He thought about what his mom said.

"Please. I know you're lying. Your second best friend told me you were upset," he said, exposing her lie.

"Yeah... well, I'm upset cause I'm feeling sick," now he knew you were lying, and your lazy voice was a sign that you were probably drunk.

"You can't lie to me. I'm hearing that awful band you listen to whenever you're sad... and by your voice, I can tell you are drinking wine. No one who is feeling sick drinks wine," he said, feeling a little happy with how much he knew about you.

"Please, Tom... just leave me alone. We can talk tomorrow," he felt the sadness on your voice. He took a deep breath leaning his hand against the door.

"No way. I'm your best friend. I'm here to take care of you and I'm not gonna leave until you let me in," he said concerned. "I'm gonna spend the entire night on the floor, and all your neighbors will talk about how you let a cute movie star spend the night on the floor, and you will be a villain, and they will hate you forever," he joked seating on the floor by your door. He had to talk to you today.

"You're so idiot," you said, so low that he almost didn't hear.

"But you love me," he said, with a hopeful smile. 'I hope,' he thought.

He heard you walking and the song stopped. He did it! You would let him in. "I know you gonna let me in cause you turned off that awful music," he laughed.

"I didn't turn it off, I just turned down," he heard you.

"Why do you listen to such depressive music..." he started. "...when you're sad?" he finished, relief running through his body when he saw you.

"Do you want me to listen to a Barney song?" you quipped with a smile. Even though it looked like a forced smile, he was happy he let him in.

"First of all, tell me why you are sad?" he asked, hugging you, hoping you would tell the truth.

"No specific reason," you lied and he felt your body tense in his arms.

"Why are you so difficult sometimes?" he asked, entering your apartment before you could lock him out.

"I'm not difficult," you protested.

"Sure," he sat on your couch, picking up the glass of wine you were drinking. He was feeling the courage ran out of his body. He needed alcohol. Even if it was that disgusting wine you drank on these occasions. "And this awful cheap wine," he complained, feeling the extremely bitter taste of the wine go down his throat.

"Are you here to criticize me? Cause I didn't ask you to come," you said and he felt the bitterness in your voice.

"I'm joking, okay?" he explained himself.

"Okay," you mumble, sitting by his side. His heart was going crazy inside his chest. "I thought you were out with friends today?" you started before he could say anything.

"Who told you that?" he asked confused, he had no plans of going out tonight.

"Anna," you said.

"Yeah... she was wrong," he said, thinking if Anna told you about him storming out of his house. He looked at the TV, trying to hide the sadness in his eyes when he thought about his panic attack.

"I thought so... since you were out yesterday," you said, and he felt his body froze. How did you know about him going out? He asked Harrison and Anna not to tell you anything.

"How do you know that?" he asked, not wanting to look at you. He was panicking.

"Anna," you said, and an idea crossed his mind. Did you saw the pictures? "Did you had fun?" you asked, cutting his thoughts.

Tom was feeling the panic building in his body. "It could've been better if you were there," he said, trying to hide how dry his throat felt.

"Well, if you had asked me, I could've been there," you said, and he felt his chest tightening. He hummed, incapable of saying any words. He was feeling his entire body hurt. He couldn't think straight.

You got up, going to the kitchen with the glass and the empty bottle. He took deep breaths, trying to stay calm. His body relaxed a little. "You can sleep on the couch if you want," you said, and his heart fell. You were running away from him.

"Can I sleep with you?" he asked before he could think something else. He just wanted to be close to you.

"Sure," you shrugged. "I'm gonna... brush my teeth," you left the room, and Tom could hear his heart beating loud and clear. You knew about the pictures. He saw your notebook close to where you were seated. He looked at the hallway where you disappeared a few seconds ago, and without thinking much about what he was doing, he opened the notebook. The first thing he saw broke his heart in a million pieces. It was him holding that girl's hand. So you saw the pictures, and that was why you were sad.

Wait! His mind started working again. If what was bothering you was the fact that he didn’t tell you about the girl, you would be mad, not sad. And you would scream at him, not hide from him. But you didn't scream. You were sad. That could mean his mom was right. You liked him. He felt his heart beating fast. A confident smile appearing on his face.

He closed the notebook again. A stingy feeling in his stomach when he focused on the picture again before closing. He got up, going to your bathroom. "Can I use the bathroom?" he asked, not hearing a noise from inside.

"Yeah. I'm almost done," you said, and he leaned on the doorway, not able to hide the smile in his face, thinking that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

“What took you so long?” he asked with a smile, the feeling that his mom was right growing inside him.

“I-I’m going… to bed,” you said, and he nodded.

“I’ll meet you there,” he said, going into the bathroom. He was feeling almost normal again. Tom looked at his reflection. His hair was a mess, but he didn't care. You always said he looked good like that. He brushed his teeth with the toothbrush he left at your home a few months ago. Before he left the bedroom he looked at himself one more time, promising internally that, no matter what happened from that moment on, you two would end up together. Even if he had to take classes to learn how to be the normal guy you wanted.

He walked out of the bathroom, going to your bedroom. “Do you still have those sweatpants I gave you a couple months ago?” he thought about how you looked so good in his clothes, that he had to give them to you.

“Yeah, I think it’s somewhere in my closet,” you said. “Maybe… the second drawer,” you instructed, seeing he wasn't finding it.

He opened the drawer finding the sweatpants and the shirt. “Lucky me I gave you this,” he smiled, taking off his pants. You avoided his look. He decided to try again and ask you why you were sad. “So when are you gonna tell me why you’re sad?” he said, putting the sweatpants.

“Uh-hum… I just told you, no specific reason,” you lied again.

“You know I know you too well to believe in that, right?” he tried, taking his shirt off. He felt your eyes on him, and he bit his lips trying not to smile at your charmed expression. After a few seconds, he decided to cough to get your attention back. You looked at him, and he pressed his lips together, that smile still fighting to appear.

“I think it's that time of the month,” you finally said.

“Sure,” he rolled his eyes, knowing you were lying. He knew you had your period two weeks ago, cause he invited you to go to his house and you said no, cause you were on your period. He then sent you food and medicine. “Do you mind if I sleep shirtless?” he asked.

“No,” you said.

“Thanks,” he gave you a small smile, jumping on the bed. Tom felt the urge to hug you. He turned on his side, putting a hand on your waist, and leaning closer to you. You took a deep breath, and for a second he thought you were gonna say something. But instead, you turned your back to him. Tom felt his heart break a little. Those pictures really hurt you. He hurt you. “You know I would never hurt you on purpose,” he whispered. He was really sorry. He would give everything to go back in time, cancel that date and go talk to you, instead. Right now, if it was possible, he would take away all the sadness you were felling, and tell stupid stories until you laugh, that laugh that made you shrink your shoulders. Tom felt you relax in his arms, and your breath was calmer. He looked over your shoulder. You were sleeping. He hugged you tighter and kissed your neck.

Tom woke up with the noise of the door closing and the empty bed. He rubbed his eyes, sighing. He turned on the bed, looking for his phone. 3:07. He got up and left the room. The light on your kitchen was up, and he heard your muffled voice. “Who are you talking to?” he said, still a little confused from his sleep.

“Jesus!” you said, startled. “A warning would be good.”

“I’m sorry,” he chuckled, feeling his dry throat. He picked the glass that was in your counter, filling it with water.

“I’m sorry I woke you up,” you said.

“No problem. Are you okay?” he asked, drinking the water. He was worried about you.

“Great,” you said, but your voice was sad. Tom was tired, his mind was weird and he felt his heart hurt. He couldn't handle this anymore.

“Can you stop lying to me?” he said, not being able to control his voice or the sudden urge to solve things.

“I-I’m not lying,” you lied and he noticed you couldn't even look at him.

“Are you serious?” he put the glass on the counter and tried to control his head.

“I’m s-sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m good… everything is good… I’m sad because…” you started, and he felt stupid for thinking you would tell the truth. “I don’t know. Maybe PMS or whatever,” you blurted out.

He was just tired. He felt his eyes and his throat burning. “Okay,” he laughed dryly. “So, tell me something…” he needed to see the truth in your eyes. “Why were you looking at pictures of me with a girl that I went out yesterday?” his voice was low. You flinched, still avoiding his eyes. “Tell me, Y/N,” he got closer. “Why were you in your 'sadness ritual’ looking at those pics?” he didn't understand why you didn't tell him what was really in your head. All he wanted, was for you to tell the truth. “Do you have something to tell me?” he asked, leaning on the counter. “Anna thinks you do. And Haz too,” he said.

“Tom I…” you started. “I…” his heart was beating so fast. You cleared your throat, and Tom tried to keep himself calm. “I think you should go,” you finally said.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. “W-what?” he asked, confused.

“I really think you should go,” you repeated. “I need to be by myself tonight. I’m really not feeling okay and I need some time,” you pushed him away.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he said, not hiding the hurt in his voice. You looked hurt too.

“Please…” you avoided his look.

“You know that this is not what you really want to say," he cried. He knew more than ever that you liked him. He didn't understand why you were doing this. "You know you’ll regret this. Don’t do this,” he pleaded, reaching for your arm but you pulled away. “Y/N.” he said.

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” you raised your voice. “Really? What do you want me to say?” you were struggling not to cry. “Do you want me to tell you what I felt when I saw the pictures of you with a girl you invited out and didn’t tell me about, God knows why," you said with hurt in your voice. He hurt you, more than he could imagine. He clenched his jaw, feeling his body tensed up. "Do you want me to tell you why I felt so sad that I had to do my 'sadness ritual’ to keep myself from screaming at you or broking my computer?” your voice was bitter. His nails were hurting his palms. “You know what I have to tell you. You can pretend you don’t know, you can mess around all you want, but you know that you are not ready to hear what I have to say,” you rubbed your eyes, holding your tears. “What I don’t know is why are you doing this?” you asked sincerely. “Why are you here? It looks like you have a good thing," you said referring to the girl he went out. "Go enjoy it and… let me be, please.”

Tom was feeling his head pounding. He couldn't take it anymore. “You don’t see it, do you?” he finally said. His voice was low. He felt tears falling.

“What? What I don’t see?” you asked.

“I don’t wanna be with nobody else," he finally confessed. "I’m trying to tell you this for the last year and you keep ditching me," he thought about every time you said you hated his lifestyle. All the times you said you wanted a normal guy. "You don’t listen to me,” his voice was sad. “I love you. I want you. Please, don’t make me go,” he said, feeling that was his last chance.

“You can’t say that one day after you went on a date with another girl,” you were hurt, and he felt the guilt eating him alive.

“Please, Y/N. Don’t do this,” he reached for your arm, pulling you closer.

“I love you, but I need some time to think,” you said without looking at him, and he felt that was the worst that could happen.

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